#tw self harm ideation

[honeybellexox]

Chapter 4

Important TW - this chapter contains strong self harm ideation.

Fear had settled into Khushi’s chest as she bolted from the room. An angry heat flushed through her body, coloring her golden skin a bright scarlet hue.

Khushi chewed the inside of her cheek as she sluggishly made her way back to the kitchen, mentally cursing herself for losing her composure. He just had a way of getting under her skin.

Khushi spent the rest of the afternoon doing odd chores around the home in an effort to avoid him. For the most part, she had been successful.

However, she had caught glimpses of him, here and there. Every time she had seen him she had felt her breath hitch, worrying that he would finally come over and chastise her for the events of this morning. He didn’t.

In fact, Arnav had maintained a polite distance towards her. It was different. Not quite like how he had ignored her previously, which had been icy and harsh. This felt considerably more respectful, kinder even.

The few times they had come across each other, he had held her gaze. There was a softness there that hadn’t existed before. A pensiveness. Not a single word had left his mouth yet his eyes spoke a thousand. Each second had felt like an eternity and each time, the moment would be broken by a curt nod from him before he carried on with his day, leaving a Khushi in a state of deep wonderment.

Khushi found herself in the kitchen, as she began to prepare the evening tea for family. A task that she delighted in.

She murmurs a little thank you to Devi Maiya under her breath, for the simple reason that Arnav had not yet confronted her for the events of the morning. The flicker of relief quickly became apprehension, it was difficult to let her guard down as she had become intimately aware of Arnav’s volcanic temperament and she didn’t quite trust what the night would bring.

Night.

Khushi froze at the thought, her hand retracted from the teapot handle as her eyes dart towards the kitchen wall clock. 6.30pm. A few hours before nightfall.

Khushi’s mouth begins to dry up.

During the period of Arnav’s departure, Khushi’s fear of the dark had manifested into a fear of the night. The culprit behind this change was non other than Shyam.

Shyam.

Khushi bitterly cursed the man in her mind, his vile actions had exceeded what she thought he was capable off. He had taken full advantage of her husband’s absence.

His regular leering and jeering had turned into frequent visits to her bedroom, unannounced and at random hour and then defiling her husband’s shower. As he had slowly taken claim of her marital bedroom, he also advanced upon Khushi. As if she was another possession in the room. He had become alarmingly comfortable touching her and invading her personal space.

A frightened Khushi had let it slide a couple of times, verbally shutting him down until he had insinuated going a step further, she had finally snapped.

She struck him, hard.

Khushi felt a sense of sickness bubble within her as she examined the now faint sallow fingerprints that marked her wrist. The mark felt sinful.

Shyam had furiously yanked her wrist and twisted after she had raised her hand at him, she could still remember how his face had contorted into something that could only be described as demonic. Ugly, rageful and twisted, his spindly fingers had clutched her wrist so tightly she had feared it would break.

His dark promise was still etched in her mind.

“Don’t misunderstand my love for weakness, Khushiji. I have been far too lenient with you, next time I won’t be so kind next time.’’ She had winced as he gave her wrist a harsh twist “Understood?”

Now, Khushi was left with an ugly bruise on her wrist as a reminder, lest she forget. The more she stared at it the more her repulsion grew and so did the desire to rip it or burn it off.

Burn it …

Her eyes flit to the delicate floral teapot that sat prettily on the tray, almost mockingly.

The hot steam that oozed out from the teapot, tantalized her. Her hands reach out to it …what if -

“Khushi bitiya! Come quickly! Look what chote brought back!” Nani called out from the main hall.

Khushi blinked, as horror and shame overcame her. She quickly placed the teacups on the tray and made her way to where the family had gathered around.

The entire Raizada clan had gathered around the main hall, eagerly awaiting their presents that Arnav had brought back from his trip.

He had gotten something for everyone, everyone except Shyam.

Arnav had looked around his bag briefly, and then pointedly announced that he had no idea where Shyam’s present had disappeared. Khushi secretly felt a sense of giddiness, this must be one of Devi Maiya’s punishments!

Anjali shoots Shyam a disheartened look, but Shyam was quick to placate her, saying the best present was to have his Saale-Saab back, alive and well.

Arnav narrowed his eyes at Shyam. There was an angry buzz of energy in the air. Stifling and uncomfortable.

‘‘Don’t worry, Jijaji, I’ll make sure you get your present.” Arnav promised through gritted teeth. Khushi couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow, she felt unease at the tone of voice. Was she imagining this tension or had it always existed?

Khushi discreetly takes in all the faces around the room, the Raizada’s were all merry and smiling, seemingly oblivious to the exchange between the two men. Were they blind or was it Khushi? The last face Khushi fell on was her sister, Payal’s.

Payal returned the look, she had noticed it too. An unspoken question lingered before the two for a brief moment.

Anjali breaks the tension.

‘‘Chote, you forgot someone else!” Her voice was full of mirth and sounded like twinkling bell chimes.

Arnav raises an eyebrow at his sister, a quizzical look in hie eyes. Anjali offers him nothing but a cheeky grin.

Nani sighs, shaking her head in amusement.

‘‘Chote, you forgot your wife!’’

‘‘I didn’t forget, Nani, Khushi will be receiving her present in private’’ Arnav replies, his gaze was solely on Khushi now, who had started to redden. Anjali playfully nudges her, finding delight in her brother’s rather bold declaration.

Shyam, however, had tightly clenched his fists.

Khushi doubted he was being honest about a present, not that she cared much for one.

After everyone had dispersed, Payal latched on to her younger sister. Guiding her to a secluded cubby area that they had discovered in their few months of living within Raizada mansion. It was rather odd reflecting on it, despite being such a large house there was never a sense of true privacy. There was a sense of something omnipresent in the air, a feeling of being watched. Both Gupta sister’s had felt it and had still not fully adjusted to it.

‘‘Jiji, is everything okay?’’ Khushi asked, suddenly concerned.

“I wanted to ask about Arnavji … is there something going on between him and Shyam?”

Khushi paused, taking in the question.

“I’m not sure…Arnavji hasn’t mentioned anything, I wonder if something happened between them.”

Payal frowns.

“ Do you think he knows?…about Shyam?” Payal asks, her brows knitted together.

The question pierces Khushi, dread builds up as she imagines the worst case scenario, if Arnav indeed knew about her link to Shyam. No it couldn’t be…it just couldn’t.

Khushi shakes her head.

“No Jiji, if Arnavji knew wouldn’t he ask me first? Wouldn’t he do something? I don’t think it’s that …it can’t be”

Payal nods, her expression still unsure.

“Hmm you’re right Khushi, perhaps it was something else. Not hard to imagine given how repulsive that Shyam is” Payal snorts as she continues. “But as we are on the topic, I want to ask you if you’re okay Khushi…if everything between you and Arnavji is fine? I thought you would be happy when he came back …but you still don’t look yourself..’’ Payal’s soft voice trails off.

Khushi gently grabs a hold of her older sister’s hand, giving it a tender squeeze.

‘‘I’m perfectly fine, Jeeji, I wonder why everyone thinks I’m not!’

Payal raises an eyebrow.

“You don’t look well, Khushi.” She says, as she checks over Khushi - examining her and even placing her hand over her forehead and cheeks to check her younger sister’s temperature.

Khushi breaks away from Payal.

“Jiji, I swear on Devi Maiya I’m fine, I’m healthy. Why don’t you believe me?”

‘’Because this isn’t you, Khushi, I don’t like seeing you like this…you look colorless and frail, you barely ate anything at dinner again, don’t think I didn’t notice!’ Payal states sternly.

Khushi shifts around, nervously. She lets out a rather exaggerated giggle.

‘‘Oh, That! …it’s just that I-I’m dieting! I want to lose weight for Arnavji’’ she blurts out, Khushi realized how stupid her words sounded as soon as they left her mouth but it was too late.

Payal shoots her an incredulous look, her jaw dropping at the revelation.

‘‘Arnavji thinks you should lose weight? You?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!’’ Payal exclaimed.

Khushi didn’t know how to respond, knowing that she would only further dig her own grave if she opened her mouth, so instead she offers Payal a slight shrug.

Payal’s mouth sets into a firm line and Khushi inwardly cringes as she recognises the fierce, tenacious look that had come over in her sister’s eyes.

She braced herself for Payal’s next words.

‘That’s it, I’m having a word with Arnavji’

There it was, the final blow.

Payal had started to make her way towards the stairs as Khushi leapt into action.

‘‘Jijiiiii! Noooo! You can’t talk to Arnavji!!’’ Khushi desperately flailed after her sister.

Payal stopped and turned to face her.

‘‘Khushi, I have to talk to him, he needs to realise that it’s not okay to say these things’’ Payal states.

Khushi racks her brains, praying for Devi Maiyaa to intervene.

‘‘You can’t talk to him! You can’t because…because I l-lied. He never said those things, I was just pulling your leg Jiji!’’ Khushi admits, adding a loud obnoxious laugh at the end, for good measure.

Payal gasps and lightly whacks Khushi on the arm who in turn pouts.

‘‘What am I going to do with you, Khushi?’’ Payal sighs, rubbing her temple.

Giving up Payal leaves, not before adding ‘‘make sure you get something to eat before bed!’‘

Khushi was once again alone with her thoughts.

That was a close call!

Khushi mentally thanks Devi Maiyaa as she makes her way towards the bedroom once again .

———————————————————————-

Notes:

I’m so sorry for the long, long delay! I’m still not happy with the chapter and my inner perfectionist is flaring up (I’m cringing posting this knowing I’ve probably misread/missed something) but i sincerely hope this is still enjoyable. I have rewritten this chapter so many times and I’m like screw it, posting it now lol.

There were a couple of points I wanted to touch on such as an emphasis of the sisters having an otherness to them when in the company of the Raizada’s … I thought it would be fascinating to touch on their obliviousness, which I imagine being caused by a mix of family familiarity and a sense of upperclass blindness, which is completely my own headcanon but notice how people savvy Khushi, Payal and Shyam are compared to the others? (Idk if that makes sense) ….but also thought it would be interesting to mention lack of privacy again, like living in a fancy fishbowl, a little nod to Shyam’s cameras (dw that’s not actually in the story but just Shyam being present in the home is creepy!)

The self harm description was graphic and uncomfortable and I hope it wasn’t too much but I felt compelled to include it in.

Please enjoy!

Honey 💖💖

[problematic-alters-unsilenced]

TW: sh, trauma, ideation, delusions

Hi, I'm the host of a questioning system (we're pretty sure we're a system, though. The jokes are too real now, and it's been years.)

Uh.. I was labeled problematic in my system for a good while due to being a trauma holder. There was a while where I was dealing and processing the trauma that I'm holding, not only from source but from irl, too. My experience with it was terrible. The others would avoid me and hardly speak to me because of how often I'd burst out screaming and wailing and causing harm to myself and my surroundings.

For a while, I think our brain kept me front stuck, and the homey front room turned into a dark and cold void. I struggled with SH and ideation, as well as paranoia and hallucinations/delusions. Every now and then, I'd see the others, but I'd feel so guilty because I knew I was making them uncomfortable.

I could feel how often they held back from snapping at me, which im grateful for, but it also makes me feel terrible knowing that they felt that way. It added fear to my mind to think and believe that they'd hurt me for being in pain.

It's gotten better now. Our irl partner has been really supportive, and I'm no longer front stuck. The other alters and I are communicating better, and the front room has gone back to normal. But it's still in the back of mind of how... inconvenient I was towards the others. I guess I'm still trying to heal and to actually come to terms with the delusions and paranoia I had and how they aren't actually true...

-Cinny

I'm so sorry you went through that, struggling with mental health sucks. I'm so incredibly proud of you for pushing through <3

[l1ttl3-l0tus-fl0w3r]

vent

tws in tags

i am so barely hanging on

i have bottled up so much

yet my feelings get pushed deeper by my failure of parents

mainly mother dearest (she/her)

she wonders why i debate stopping trying to form a relationship w/ her????

the only reason i haven't self harmed or killed myself is because i'm a pussy

and that in her eyes makes me a liar

a liar about everything

besides physically injuries she can see

am i having a panic attack on the bus?

no i'm not, i'm lying

been feeling sick for the past 4 days?

lying again

i'm going no contact the moment i can move out

i'll even move into homeless shelter if i need to

i'm fucking done with my feelings being belittled

while she props up my sister (they/it) and says she's not having favorites cuz she does nice things for me

WHICH MY DAD (they/them) SUGGESTS SHE DOES?!

AND THEN WHEN I REFUSE TO TALK TO HER WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT MY CAT BEING FREAKED OUT

I'M A NEGLECTED PET OWNER!?

I. DO. NOT. OWE. YOU. SHIT!

I. DO. NOT. OWE. YOU. SOMETHING. YOU. SHOULD. ALREADY. KNOW!?

SHE KNOWS I LOVE MY CAT YET SHE STILL WANTS TO IMPLY I'M NEGLECTFUL!?

[dearestsilhouette]

sobbing bc I can’t go anywhere without crying

I went to a race track and

It was cold

i dumped my hot chocolate onto myself and now I feel super uncomfortable (my dad shook it off)

I complained that I wanted to go home (I’m pretty sure my dad got mad at me)

now I’m sitting in the car

fml I’m gonna scratch at myself 100% bc I’m so upset

[playingplayer2]

Lmfao you ever get that feeling where if it were an option you'd stick your own hand into your chest and grasp your heart where it beats and then just clench your fist until it stops until you stop until everything stops for you because it's too much and not enough and everything hurts despite feeling like you've already carved yourself out and now there's nothing left but it still hurts because you've been scraping yourself raw for longer than you can literally remember because your first memories are of hearing screaming and crying and begging from your mother because your father has been violent for as long as you've ever known and it's like a fundamental truth by the time you're fully able to retain memories the sky looks blue grass grows green and your father is violent and aggressive and locked you outside or in hot cars or or or and so you grew up knowing that but no-one wants to acknowledge it outside of you and your family besides your father so you grow up hurting and hurting and aching and you're terrified so you give put your trust sparingly but you still get stabbed in the back over and over again so you just try to act like your fine and like you haven't been wanting to die since you knew what death meant and most of the time you can ignore it but sometimes it overwhelms you sometimes it just overtakes you and you can't breathe because it hurts and it isn't even a physical pain and nothing you do seems to ease it so all you feel you can do is want want want to take your heart in hand and squeeze until you can't and you know you completely know that you're totally emotionally stunted but you've always had to be hyper-aware not just of others but also yourself and you're so used to feeling empty and raw that you can't even imagine anything else? No? Oh.

[inkwellspoems]

I hate this time of the month

Right after fertility

Right before I bleed

I hate what I become

My body shifts

A monster like visage

Stomach bulging too far out

Mini bumps that get picked over

Every flaw looked at with scrutiny

I hate what I become

My mind is worse

Wanting to kill me for existing

The thoughts get so bad

That I cry myself to sleep

I hate what I become

I want so badly to cut

So it all shuts up

I want to starve

So I can look beautiful again

I hate what I become

This time is hell

But it’s temporary

Because when all is said

And all is done

I don’t hate who I was

[iwillnotseeheaven]

[nobodybutnova]

everyday is another battle to not fucking end it all

[magg0t1nfested]

“where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

dead.

[wavyypeachyy]

I don’t think suicidal thoughts actually ever go away.

[chiyeko-kurea]

My last breath will be a sigh of relief.

[zadkielvents]

This is gonna be a long one folks

I made a TikTok the other day...it was funny...some could call it cute even

And I want to preface this by saying...I was already thinking about hurting myself badly, I was not thinking good, or healthily...

But almost 2 hours after the video posts, I get 1 little hate comment. That I try to brush off by being funny, thinking. He can't want to insult me that badly if I make a joke about it.

Wrong

He proceeded to not only insult me but have an entire crew of heathens insult me. I got called fat. As fat as an ocean. That I should really change my diet. That I should watch what I eat. That the everyone including the scales hate me.

I have an eating disorder ....you'd probably never guess looking at my weight that it's anorexia. You'd probably never guess that if my parents hadn't come that exact day to hang out with me and stabilize my mood a bit that those comments may have just sent me over the so called edge. You'd probably never guess that not only have strangers on the internet been calling me fat for years, but my own parents have been too. From 10 up. From before I was even old enough to control what food I intake.

But now you see me....an almost 30 year adult having some fun. And you want to break me down more? ....and for what. What do you personally gain from it? Does it make you feel better inside to make me hurt? Would you like it better if I stopped eating completely just to look better? Or would you rather I just end it all for you now? Would that please your dreadful souls?

Fuck off

[a-hospital--for-souls]

"Your scars will stay there forever." - Thanks Karen for enlightening me. I didn't know.

[dearestsilhouette]

my wrist hurts

i keep banging it onto different hard surfaces bc im upset

today was so long

and yet i still have tmr

im gonna have a fucking mental breakdown istg /srs

someone needs to run both of my wrists on sandpaper bc atp i deserve it for being such a bitch

i hate this

[birdsribcage]

Just a silly little girl with silly little thoughts of suicide

[hardcoregayanalsegx]

"Why would you do that to yourself" I'm trying my best to soothe the pain, trying to cradle it so that maybe just maybe it will stop crying out