#tw pet bereavement

[goobercorelmao]

Goodnight sweet prince, I will miss you

Noodle, 2013-2023

[hungrytummyprompts]

I’m gonna go on a small hiatus as my beloved cat has just passed away and I just need some time, sorry guys.

There’s one thing still in the queue but I won’t be answering new asks for a little bit, though feel free to keep sending prompts and I’ll get to them when I feel a little better. See you all soon <3

[brighteyedbushybrowed]

Hey yall, just wanted to come on here and let you know that if some point over the next few days I don't post any fics it's bc I received news at lunchtime that my dog passed away early this morning and it's not fully hit me yet. I'm visiting home at some point next week so that I can see the grave my mum and brother have made for him and say good bye, so if at some point next week you don't see fics from me that's why.

Ik that the urge to say "I'm sorry for your loss" may be there for you, but I've found that if it gets said too much to me it can make me feel worse. So, I would appreciate that if anyone feels the need to send their condolences to me on here that they instead send me a heart emoji.

Ty everyone for understanding

[babygrandpatangles]

His final picture.

I didn’t want to stress him out with the carrier so I bundled him up and carried him while someone else drove. He seemed interested in the scenery, and eventually moved to my shoulder.

I can’t believe I’ll never be able to take another picture of him.

I can’t believe he’s gone.

[butterflyinthewell]

Autistic people and grief after a death.

Uncomfortable subject, but an important one. Especially if the death is someone who was integral to an autistic person’s routine.

The autistic person is not being selfish or uncaring if they ask “but who will drive me to school now?”

Their routine has undergone a permanent disruption, made worse if the death was sudden and unexpected. They’re trying to look for something, anything they can predict or make sense of in all the chaos of loss.

Never assume the autistic person isn’t grieving or doesn’t care. Asking about routines or “who will...?” is an act of self-preservation. Getting all mad at them only serves to make them feel worse and more alienated and may convince them that their feelings don’t matter.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t get snippy. Just say something like “I’m sorry, I don’t know right now, but I’ll find out as soon as possible and let you know.”

Don’t be surprised if they perseverate and keep asking about “who will...?” because they may be looking for reassurance that you’re working on it like you promised. (I do this a lot, personally. I know it’s annoying, but the need to ask is compulsive.) This is where you have to be really patient and remind them that you’ll let them know. Then follow through!

But please understand that death is just as devastating for autistic people as it is for neurotypical people, and we may manifest grief differently.

Sometimes I impulsively tell funny stories about someone who recently passed away. I want to help other people think of them or remember them in a funny circumstance, but sometimes it upsets them instead. That isn’t because I don’t care, I just tried to share and it didn’t work.

Grief may also manifest as more behavior outbursts like meltdowns, wandering, losing speech or changes in cognition. There may be changes in appetite and sleeping habits, too, which may exacerbate behavior issues. This is especially true for nonverbal autistic people who can’t make their communications understood-- so don’t hold them to their usual standards of behavior while they’re grieving. 

Expect outbursts and crying and even a lot of avoidance behavior if you’re taking them somewhere that painfully reminds them of the deceased.

It’s also entirely possible for an autistic person to show no outward reaction at all, yet be grieving deeply inside. They may grieve more over someone integral to their routine than someone who wasn’t because of the added stress caused by the change; there is a bit of grief that part of a routine is lost forever and that needs to be respected too.

All these things related to grief can happen over the loss of a pet, too. It’s never “just a / an (animal)” and don’t say that even if that’s how you feel about it.

Expect there to be strong reactions on anniversary dates if the autistic person remembers those. They may react as if the person just died all over again, and they may relive it-- especially if they witnessed the death. Be there for them and be sympathetic. “I miss them, too. I’m sorry.”

(December 17 is the hardest day of the year for me after having my dog unexpectedly euthanized in 2012. It was a month of literal hell trying to find out what was wrong and it turned out to be heart failure that manifested in such an atypical way that it was too late to save him by the time it was figured out. It was very traumatic for me. My behavior tanks so bad on December 17 every year and I have to blacklist / avoid dogs at all costs to avoid meltdowns.)

Sometimes behavior is rooted in very strong emotion. If you wouldn’t expect a neurotypical child to be on perfect behavior after someone they love died, don’t turn around and expect that out of an autistic child. Don’t demand an autistic child show grief “appropriately” because it shows different in literally every human being. Some of us get quiet, others cry loud, others withdraw and still more want to talk about the deceased or look at pictures of them. 

That’s what it means to be a person.

Respect that autistic people may grieve differently than a neurotypical, and give us a break, okay?

[nixotinix]

I'm bored so I asked my friend to rate some Greek gods with me based on interest, power level, and asshole level, here's the average and some statements about each

⚠️TW⚠️ Mentions of r@pe, abduction, killing, murder, & death

-Athena

Power level: 8/10

Interest level: 9/10

Asshole level: 6/10

"A bit pretentious and she smited a girl out of spite for having the audacity to be better at weaving than her"

-Apollo

Power level: 6.5/10

Interest level: 7/10

Asshole level: 7.5/10

"Generally too busy trying to get laid and failing to be an asshole"

-Ares

Power level:7.6/10

Interest level: 8/10

Asshole level: 7.8/10

"Love how he simps for Aphrodite, yasss dude worship her"

-Dionysus

Power level: 5/10

Interest level: 10/10

Asshole level: 5/10

"Can turn people into dolphins, which is pretty cool"

-Hermes

Power level: 7/10

Interest level: 30/10 (we both love Hermes aight)

Asshole level: 2/10

"I absolutely adore him, he's a little shit but we love him for it"

-Nyx

Power level: 10/10

Interest level: 9/10

Asshole level: 6/10

"she even makes Zeus shit his pants"

-Demeter

Power level: 9.5/10

Interest level: 8/10

Asshole level: 7/10

"I get that she was bereaved about her daughter but purposefully causing an APOCALYPSE because of it is a little much for me"

-Hades

Power level: 10/10

Interest level: 10/10

Asshole level: 3/10

"He's one of the nicer gods and just wants to hang out with his wife and pet dog"

-Artemis

Power level: 8/10

Interest level: 10/10

Asshole level: 7/10

"Helped apollo kill a bunch of kids because the kids' mom insulted their mom"

-Poseidon

Power level: 10/10

Interest level: 2.5/10

Asshole level: 8.5/10

"the ocean isn't that interesting buddy back it up and pack it up"

-Zeus

Power level: 10/10

Interest level: 1/10

Asshole level: 100/10

"Is a serial rap1st, murderer, and deadbeat dad and never receives any fucking consequences because he's ZEUS."

-Aphrodite

Power level: 7.5/10

Interest level: 8/10

Asshole level: 13/10

"Started the trojan war because she wanted a little boy to admit she was the prettiest goddess"

[bobathirstaccount]

Stars Above

Boba x GN reader, smut, slight soft!Boba


TW: unprotected sex, slight use of Y/N

Tags: @vesperstalksclones

CHAPTER FIVE

The long awaited day arrived. You all load into the skiff you’re taking to Fett’s Palace. You slink to the back and take a seat. The mood is tense. There’s talking on the way there, but it’s only about the meeting. Who will say what and where everyone would stand.

“Y/N is in the back,” you heard Salazar say. At least he came through on that.

Finally you arrive and are met by a droid at the door. Someone else does the talking and after a few minutes, you are admitted. Your group follows the droid to the top of a stairwell.

”He’s waiting,” the droid turned abruptly and tottered off.

Your group makes its way down the staircase, bunching together. Everyone is trying to remain confident, but you can feel the nerves. You are last down, and you purposely hide behind one of the big guys. If you can get through this without being looked at by a crime lord, that’d probably be best. Your group assembles before the throne.

“Great Fett, we’re —“

”Get to the point,” a familiar voice says. It’s a bit pixelated but you recognize the gruff tone. You freeze and your skin gets cold. You feel like you might pass out.

Your group was droning on. You hear nothing. Finally you work up the courage to peer around a shoulder. You are off to the side, and get a side view of the throne. But there he sits. The Great Fett in his moss green armor with red and yellow accents. Boba. He looked impassive with his helmet on. You squeak quietly with shock, and your legs become jelly. Your mind is blank. Your skin is buzzing. Your ears are buzzing. You can’t understand what you’re seeing. Are you even seeing it? You blink several times, panic increasing each time. It was Boba.

“Y/N?” Another familiar voice rang out.

Fennec. Holy fucking Fennec.

Boba’s head snapped to Fennec, who pointed in your direction. Confused, your group parted, leaving you completely exposed. You stand there stupidly as Boba’s head snaps to you. You face the full brunt of his gaze, made all the worse by the fact that you could not see his expression. You feel yourself beginning to flush.

For a moment everyone is confused. There is a stuffy silence. Then, Fennec’s voice rang out again.

“Perhaps your group would like to stay for dinner?” She looked at Boba, who tilted his head slightly in her direction, indicating permission.

“Come then, get freshened up and we’ll continue this conversation over some food.”

Fennec jumped up and walked over to you, grabbing you by the arm. Your group was stunned. “Let me show you.”

You were on autopilot, and followed Fennec where she led you. Everyone else fell into place behind the two of you. You walked down several corridors, and then finally Fennec stopped.


“You men this way, Y/N this way,” she pointed.

You were still incapable of locomotion on your own, so she led you into the women’s area.

It turned out to be a suite. A fantastically large bed sprawled out before you. Large tinted windows allowed you to look out on the sand seas of Tattooine.

“The fresher is over there.” Fennec pointed for your benefit. She squeezed your arm once and then left, closing the door behind her.

You immediately fell into a puddle where you stood. You were trying to process everything that had just happened. One. Boba was back on Tattooine. Two. Boba was a crime lord?? Three. Fennec. Four. Was it really Boba? Five. Your fucking boyfriend was across the hall. Six. IT WAS BOBA. You could scream. What were you supposed to do? Your head spun.

Suddenly a door on the other side of the room opened. It was a secret door, so your mouth hung open in surprise that there even was a door. None other than Boba Fett walked through. You look up at him from the floor, doe eyes wide behind your glasses. He approaches you slowly, as if to not further scare a frightened animal.

“It’s really you,” you murmur.

He stops before you, then kneels down.

“Yes, little one. It’s me.”

You begin to cry. You can’t help it. You hate yourself but you can’t help it. He cradles your face in his hands, wiping the tears away. You sense the deja vu of the situation.

Finally, your tears start to subside. Your body is still shuddering from the force of crying. You inhale and exhale, trying for control. Your exhale is shaky.

Boba’s hands drop from you face. He pulls you up and walks you to the bed, sitting you down on the edge of it. He stands in front of you.

“Why for kriff’s sake are you here?” He asks, the surprise still apparent in his voice.

You look up at his helmet, your bottom lip quivering.

“You’re on Tattooine?” You say stupidly, your voice a hoarse whisper.

He laughed slightly, “Yes, I am on Tattooine.”

You try to finish processing this. He reaches tentatively toward your face, running a finger along your jaw.

You stare up at him with an open mouth, face flushed. He puts a thumb in your mouth. You bite down softly. You hear a slight strangled noise from behind the helmet.

He drops his hand to his side. You’re still looking up at him, eyes wide. Mouth slightly ajar.

You stand up then, suddenly. It surprises both of you. You are less than an inch from touching. Neither of you dares to move. Then, you are reaching up to his helmet. Your hands find the bottom edge, and you start to pull up. His hands grab your forearms, stopping you.

“If you take this off I don’t know if I can control myself. Pet,” he says quietly, lust taking the edge off his voice.

The nickname, unheard for over a year, goes straight to your belly. He removes his hands and you continue your mission to remove his helmet. As you lift it over his head, your eyes meet his dark ones. He grabs the helmet from your hands without breaking eye contact, and tosses it gently onto the bed.

You lean in to kiss him, almost to test if he’s real. He is still as a statue, but as soon as your lips touch his he is crashing into you, arms enfolding you in a passionate embrace. You are dumbstruck, trying to drink him in all at once. He pushes you down on the bed and crawls on top, still kissing you. You whimper and yield to him completely. He kisses his way down to your throat, and then to your collar bones. His hands are everywhere. You are on fire with lust.

“Please, please.. Boba.”

He stills his ministrations, “Please what?”

“Please, I want you inside of me.”

You feel him grow hard against your thigh. He kisses your mouth again, grinding into you. You moan softly, causing him to groan loudly.

He stands up suddenly. You are nearly bereaved. You prop yourself up to see what happened. He is steadfastly removing his armor. You watch reverently until he is done and the armor is safely on the bed next to the helmet. Then he crawls on top of you again, roughly spreading your legs. He grinds his hard cock against your groin, watching your reaction. You writhe under him, ready and waiting for more.

He covers your mouth with his, greedily taking you in. You are pliant and yielding, wanting all of him that he was willing to give. Finally he pulls away, lifting himself off you. You feel your boots being tugged off. Your skin starts to tingle as you remember the last time he had done this. Finally he gets your pants and underwear off.

“No time to tease you today, pet,” he breathes to you. You arch your back, your arousal driving you crazy. You feel the air hitting your bare skin. You whimper, wanting some friction. You hear fabric rustling and know what is about to happen. Your body tenses in anticipation.

The head of his cock pushes against your entrance. Your entire body is alight. He covers your mouth with his again as he penetrates you, slowly. The pace is partly to allow you to adjust to him and partly to tease you. Once he bottoms out he pulls out fully, then pushes back in up to his balls. You moan loudly, clawing at him. He picks up the pace to a punishing speed, practically rutting you into the mattress. You are both lost to the world as you experience each other. You spread your legs even wider, wanting all of him. Then it happens, he hits a new angle that makes you nearly scream. Noticing, he fucked you in the same manner until you were screaming, screaming his name. You couldn’t help it.

Your are over the precipice before you are really aware of it, your orgasm an all encompassing experience. Boba still fucked you ruthlessly, praising his pet for cumming so good on his cock. Your orgasm continued, stretching to an almost unbearable length. Finally when you felt you could take no more, you felt him stiffen and his cock twitch deep inside of you. He groaned, falling over on top of you.

You both laid there, breathlessly. You become slowly aware that he is still inside of you. And he is still hard. You wrap your legs around him and rock your hips a bit. You hear a muffled moan.

“More, pet?” He asked, still buried in your shoulder. You rocked again, more insistently. You felt him smile against your skin. He started to move, slowly. You sigh and wrap your arms around him as well. He turns his head to face your neck, and nuzzles into you. He continues to fuck you, surprisingly gently. But you can still feel the pressure building in you. He is kissing you lightly on the mouth suddenly, and you open your eyes in surprise. He is watching you, eyes hooded and pupils dilated. You smile shyly and he kisses you softly. He begins to pick up the pace, but only slightly.

You cling to him as he nearly almost makes love to you. You don’t have that much experience with his preferences, but you feel like this is not typical of him. Especially if your previous time was any indication. You think about this in the back of your mind, as waves of pleasure roll over you.

“Boba,” you whisper.

He moans in response, keeping the pace steady. You grab his face and guide his mouth to yours. He groans into your mouth as you kiss him deeply. You feel yourself approaching the precipice. You squeeze your legs around him and rock feverishly against him, in time with his strokes. Boba responds by panting into your ear as he continues to fuck you.

“Y/N...” Boba said weakly. You mmmm into his ear. That does it for him and he is groaning and spilling his seed in you. You teeter on the edge.

”Ah, kriff,” Boba breathes directly into your ear.
You come with a strangled noise, causing Boba’s thrusts to hitch and become uneven.

“Kriff...” Boba continues to mumble obscenities in your ear as you both come down from your orgasms.

You realize that you’re crying. You take stock of the rest of you and yup, you’re totally wrecked. You cling to him, not wanting him to pull away. He stays on top of you, panting and finally stilling. He lifts his head to look at you. You return his gaze hazily.

“You are even better the second and third times, pet,” he says, his voice thick.

You smile at the name as well as the compliment

Suddenly you remember Salazar.

“Kriff,” you mutter, tensing up.

Boba raises an eyebrow. “What’s wrong pet?”

You sigh and cover your eyes with your forearm. How were you going to navigate this?

He pulls your forearm off your face. “What is it, pet?”

You sigh. “The group I came here with... I came here because I got roped into it by my boyfriend.”

He stills.

You continue nervously, “He’s such a jackass, honestly. I’m only with him because... because I couldn’t be alone anymore.”

Boba raises an eyebrow at that. “Why?”

You glare at him, “Can’t you guess why by now? Kriff!”

He looks down, “Little one. The life I lead is dangerous and hard. I am not a kind man. I am not a good man.”

You look at him in confusion. “You helped me when I needed it.”

”Because it was advantageous to me.”

”You saved Fennec.” You are not happy to bring her up, but it was true.

He smiles at this. “Why do you dislike her?”

It’s your turn to look away. He waited patiently for your answer. You squirm under his gaze until he finally draws it out of you, ”I was jealous. She appeared out of nowhere and suddenly was a resident of your ship.”

He laughs at this “She owes me a life debt. I can’t refuse it so she had to stay.”

You remain serious, “But not me.”

He became serious as well, “Not you.”

There was a silence that fell over the two of you. You bite your lip nervously.

He attempted to rise up off you, but you still had your arms and legs wrapped around him.

”Please, Boba, please.”

“Please what?” He meets your gaze, a strangled look on his face.

“Please let me stay with you this time.” You whimper, tears forming in your eyes.

He looks down at you, an unreadable expression on his face. He grabs your arms and breaks the lock you have around him, and then your legs. You begin to cry in earnest, large tears falling from your eyes. Strong arms picked you up and cradled you.

“You must realize... staying with me you would see many terrible things. You would see another side to me. You will not see mercy.”

“But I’ll see you,” you breathed.

He stiffened at this. “Yes, you would.”

He sighed. “I can’t make you leave.”

You whip your head up to look at him.

“This can be your room. Or really any room you want.”

“I want your room,” you say slyly.

He smiled, brushing your hair off your forehead, “What if you don’t want to see me some times?”

You thought about the past year. “Not likely,” you murmured.

He sat you up then.


“It’s time we entertain our guests. And I think you have a relationship to sever.”

You wince. “He was a mistake...” you begin, feeling guilty.

Boba snorted, “Do you think you were the only one distracting yourself?”

You look up at him, the thought dawning on you.

“Not Fennec,” he stated emphatically.

You smile softly, and snuggle up to him.

He holds you to himself gently for another minute. Then he pries you off of him.

”There will be more time for that later, pet.”

You hum happily, then realize you probably look a mess. As Boba puts his armor back on, you clean yourself up in the fresher. You don’t want to look like you were just fucked by a crime lord while you were breaking up with Salazar. It was bad form.

When you come out of the fresher, Boba is waiting for you. He puts his arms around your waist and pulls you into a light embrace. You try not to swoon but find it impossible.

“You’re getting glassy-eyed again, pet,” Boba murmured, amused.

You blush deeply and bury your face into his neck. He leans his head onto yours for a moment, then drops his arms and backs away. He turns to grab his helmet off a table. You remember the task at hand.


“I will see you shortly, little one.” With that he donned his helmet and left via the secret door. You watched him go in a bit of a daze, the previous events feeling like somewhat of a fever dream. A dream you’d had before.

But it was real now. And yours for the taking. All you had to do was drop some dead weight. You would try to do it gently, you thought. After all, he was a comfort to you in your loneliness, and he had brought you here. You marveled at the fact that you almost didn’t come.

You push those thoughts from your mind and return to the present, walking out of the suite and across the hall swiftly. You buzz the door and one of Salazar’s cronies answers. He eyes you suspiciously, but moves to provide you access.

“Can I talk to Salazar? Alone?”

“Salazar, your partner wants you,” he bellows. You cringe.

He appears in the doorway, and also eyes you suspiciously. After a missed beat, “Yeah babe? You want to come in?”


You grow impatient, “No. Let’s talk alone.”

”Where? Just in the corridor?”

”Why not? No one is here.”

He steps out of the room and the door slides closed behind him.

He has a wild look in his eye, “Babe what’s going on? Why didn’t you say you knew Fennec? How do you know Fennec?”

You brush those questions aside, “I met her awhile ago. We need to talk.”

He is still stuck on Fennec; you can see it in his face even before he says conspiratorially, “We can use this to our advantage! You already got us a dinner with Fett!”

“Yes, I know,” you glower. This is not going according to plan. You try to regain control of your emotions, and close your eyes momentarily.

He takes the moment to grab you by the neck to pull you into a kiss. Your eyes snap open and you pull away, pushing back at him in a fit. He stands there, confused.

“I said. We need to talk.”

“Okay sure, I’m just saying we have a real opportunity here-“

”I doubt that,” you mumble before you go on to say more loudly, “Stop talking. Stop. Talking. Stop.” With that he finally quiets.

You take a deep breath. What was it you were doing again? Your mind panicked momentarily until Boba materialized in you mind’s eye.

“We’re through. I mean, we’re done Salazar. I’m breaking up with you. This is it.”

He is stunned and confused, but then he grows angry. This surprises you.

“We get all this way and then what? You meet your old friend and throw us to the side? Everything we’ve been through?” You snort at this melodramatic question. He continued, “What kind of friend is she? What’s going on here?”

You smile at how he was simultaneously correct and incorrect at the same time. This seemed to further upset him, and he grabbed your upper arm sharply.

“Listen here, fuck, after this is over, I don’t care, whatever you want to leave and go back to fucking Fennec, leave. But you will not fuck up this dinner with Fett.” He shook you by both arms for emphasis, fingers squeezing into your flesh.

You realize he is trying to intimidate you. You grow bold, knowing the truth of the matter.

“Get your fucking hands off me, Salazar,” you say coldly.

He doesn’t move. You glare at each other, until you say, “If you don’t let me go, I will fuck up your meeting with Boba. You see, I know him too. I just didn’t know his surname.”

Salazar’s eyes narrow, “You’re insane. Who would say that? How would you have ever come across him?”

You smile, remembering. It’s fleeting, before you feel Salazar squeezing your arms even more sharply.

“Let go!” You shriek, shocking him into complying. You take a step back when he drops his arms.

“We’re through. Don’t talk to me anymore. That’s it.” You turn to walk away, towards the throne room. You are not sure where else to go.

Salazar grabs your wrist and twists it, “You’re insane; you’re not going back in there.” He attempts to drag you into the his suite, but you somehow break free, a ferocious streak roaring to the surface. You run down the hall, fleeing from him and your old life. Fleeing towards Boba. You start to cry but tamp down on your emotions. There’s time for that later.

You arrive at the throne room to find it empty. You walk slowly to the center of the room, wondering what to do now. The throne looms in front of you. He had looked like another person up there on it. Someone to be feared. You smiled slyly at this. But you knew how soft he could be in a lover’s embrace. It was a strange juxtaposition. Suddenly you wondered how it would be on the throne. Would he be hard and unyielding? Or softer? You bit your lip, making a guess.

Suddenly you realized you weren’t alone. Fennec appeared to you left.

“We’ve ejected them from the palace,” she stated calmly. You turn to her in surprise.

“We made sure everyone knew why - there are cameras in the hallways,” she said knowingly.

You looked down at your feet, then back at her.

“Now what?”

She smiled, “Boba said you would be staying in his suites. Let me show you where they are.”

[spoopyanimalwitch]

I did a lot of recovery stuff today i worked on my cptsd workbook for the 2nd day in a row, i journaled when my feelings became overwhelming TWICE which i havent done at all in forever i went to a nice AA meeting this morning and am going to another in a few minutes and since im in a good place id like to offer to make sigils for anyone suffering out of my blood (i personally think blood magic is very powerful and dont worry i didnt get it from self harm i got it from practicing to be a phlebotomy tech even tho i quit my class) so just lmk if you want a sigil and for those of u that dont know what that is its basically a symbol that represents a sentence or multiple sentences and im totally open to that it doesnt work but it helps me to make them regardless of if it's magic or just ritual intention building this offer is to anyone thats suffering from any mental illness or pet loss so send me messages while im at my meeting if youd like anything!!

[timeforbeing]

tw: pregnancy & pregnancy loss, & mention of therapy/trauma/abuse/rape

Been having a bit of a… not totally terrible but like? stagnant? backwards? meh? and generally upsetting kinda week :/

The trauma work I’ve recently started doing with a new therapist kinda stalled when we started on sexual trauma and the abuser/rapist from when I was 20-22 :( It’s too confusing and dissociated and unspeakable and uggghhh. Certainly too much for an hour long session… she suggested going up to 1.5hrs if I can afford it because we’re going so deep. So that left me feeling really lost and fragile the rest of monday…

And then someone in my choir sent round a pregnancy announcement and it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks and I was just frozen and numb and dissociated… well, ever since. Turns out I’m reeeaaally not done grieving the baby I lost in January, and I still had so many emotions just waiting to be triggered by an event like this. My last pregnancy would be just over 23 weeks right now. I can’t help but feel so much grief and anger and frustration and fear and bitterness and worry and pain and sadness and envy and guilt and shame and IT’S NOT FAIR, all along with a massive sense of loneliness - because only other people who’ve carried beloved pregnancies and suffered losses, with no living children yet, can really understand this.

My partners love me and of course give me hope and reassurance and emotional support in whatever way they can, but they just can’t understand that my miscarriages weren’t just an abstract loss of something that could have been; for the person whose body is already changing from implantation onwards there is a literal physical connection, it feels so much more real and ‘happening’, and it’s so much easier to feel immediately emotionally invested. And then with my actual miscarriages I was the one literally experiencing a birth of sorts (mine were definitely not 'like a heavy period’… more like days of contractions and active birth positions and breathing and noises and bearing down), and literally seeing and holding my embryo-babies who could have been so much more. That’s not abstract to me.

I think maybe I glossed over my loss earlier this year because it was at 6 weeks unlike my first at 12 weeks, so it was a massive relief in that sense, thinking that if I had to have another miscarriage at least it was sooner rather than later. There was less pain and gore, no complications after, and it happened spontaneously at home rather than discovering it as a missed miscarriage in the scan room. So I minimised my emotions and my grief quite a lot because I was glad it wasn’t as traumatic as my first. But the grief is still real, and they were just as much my lost baby who I already loved unconditionally and wanted to meet so much.

I still think about them. Maybe not always every day, and it doesn’t dominate my life or anything. But I’ve lost two babies during pregnancy, and I birthed them and held them and named them and I’m apparently still grieving them. It feels like I’m the only one who does think about them like this. The only one who knows, or cares, who felt this as a deep, personal loss rather than just a setback or something to chalk up to statistics. My miscarriages are undoubtedly two of the greatest losses in my life. I can’t think of a relative, pet, or childhood hero who’s died and left me with grief even remotely approaching the grief of my pregnancy loss. It’s a fucking big deal to me. But no one else wants to see that or hear about it. How come the joy and celebration of a healthy pregnancy can be shared so easily but not the sorrow and bereavement of an equally-cherished pregnancy that was lost?

So is it any wonder I can’t bring myself to go to choir this week :(

[butterflyinthewell]

Hey there! Just wanted to let you know that I'm also autistic and that my great-grandmother passed recently as well. My family is really close-knit and it was very difficult, because I went into a deep depression, but I don't like hugging/bonding/looking through photos as much as the rest. But grief affects everyone a little bit differently anyway! Give yourself and your family a bit of wiggle room for weird behavior if you can; you won't be yourself for a bit and that's OK.

I think I’m doing better-- I guess I was just in really bad shock. I might have had a longer, more intense reaction if she lived closer and I saw her everyday. It’s weird, but I tend to be okay a lot sooner if the person who dies isn’t in my house all the time or isn’t a mainstay at a place I visit. I’m already able to see her face in my memory again. It took months after I lost my grandma (expected passing) to see her face again in my memory, and almost a year after losing my dog Bernie (very unexpected loss) to see the color of his fur or his little dark brown eyes in my memory again. It still hurts to remember Bernie, though, so I don’t do it often. I go to pieces every December 17th because that’s his death day.

You hate the “pictures and remember” stuff too? Oh geez, right after a loss is when I hate that the most. I don’t want reminders in my face. I kept Bernie’s leash and collar with me right after only because I was not ready to lose him and putting those down meant letting him go for real. I stayed up until 3am before I finally put them into a bag (to keep dust off), apologized to God for swearing at Him and asked Him to please take care of my dog.

You’re so right, grief is different for everyone. I’m sorry about the loss of your great-grandma. It’s really hard in a close-knit family. You’re sad, everybody in your house is sad and it’s like the sun will never come out again.

But when the pain becomes bearable, you may still be sad that it’s over, but you will also crack a small smile through tears because that person happened.