#tw ectopic

[cowlicks-and-curls]

Stupid ass health anxiety beat by an actual very painful problem that the hospital twice said idk but you're not dying so I assumed feeling like my stomach was gonna rip out is normal and then getting quite the burning feeling and feeling a niggle in the back of my head but I ignored it because it's probably "nothing deadly" again and I actually had to be talked into going to the er because i was just deadass gonna ignore it until I couldn't and then it ended up being internal bleeding that can easily be deadly and....ugh

[unhingedangstaddict]

Those Things I Miss But Know Are Never Coming Back

The angsty mpreg oneshot I've been working on the last couple days is done! Read below the cut or on ao3

TW: Ectopic pregnancy, pregnancy loss, hospitals. Discussion of blood and alcohol. Brief mention of stillbirth and fetal alcohol syndrome

Tommy could feel his stomach turning with nausea as he maintained his focus on piloting the chopper back to Harbor. For a split second his eyes flicked down to his watch, sure enough, it was 3:40pm, the same time he’d thrown up every day for the past week. It wasn’t food poisoning because that would’ve cleared up by now, so either it was the world’s weirdest flu virus or it was something far worse. Either way, Tommy couldn’t exactly find it in himself to care enough about himself to do anything about it.

Tommy swallowed back the warm excess of saliva in his mouth and got back to Harbor as quickly as he could, and did his best to not look like he was bolting for the bathroom as soon as he touched down. He just barely made it in time before throwing up. When he finished he leaned back against the cool wall and took a second to catch his breath.

Ever since the night six weeks ago that he broke his own heart by walking out of Evan’s apartment Tommy had been unable to find it in himself to take good care of himself. Tommy wasn’t even in his truck by the time he’d realized what a mistake he’d made and what an idiot he was. He should’ve turned around and gone back and begged for Evan’s forgiveness, but at the same time he didn’t feel he deserved it. Evan deserved better than Tommy. Someone who wasn’t broken like Tommy. Someone who wouldn’t break Evan’s heart like Tommy had. Someone who could actually be Evan’s last. Tommy was never meant to be someone’s last. He was too broken, too damaged, too far beyond redemption for that, and the ray of sunshine that Evan Buckley was deserved better.

Tommy hauled himself to his feet, washed his hands and face and rinsed his mouth in the sink and got back to work, and no one had any idea that Tommy had just been sick. Tommy supposed in a way it was a blessing that he and Lucy had ended up on different shifts, she’d notice right away, but seeing as she wasn’t there she couldn’t, and it was hard to find time to hang out as friends when they were always on opposite schedules. Tommy missed her of course, but he was also in a sense glad that he could stay away from her all-too-knowing watch.

Two weeks passed with Tommy having the same weirdly consistent nausea. He never once spiked a fever though. The only other possible symptom he had was fatigue, but his sleep schedule had been a mess since the break up, it wasn’t all that surprising that he was always tired. He’d also been having some mild lower abdominal pain on-and-off, but he’d been eating like shit and going too hard on himself in the gym so that was likely the cause of that. Tommy figured this wasn’t the flu, but he had no idea what it could be.

“Your sister’s pregnant?” Jensen asked Grimaldo at the table they were eating lunch at. 

Tommy was at a separate table, picking at his own lunch and trying to read a news article on his phone. He couldn’t help but overhear his colleagues' conversation.

“That’s crazy.” Jensen continued. “My cousin just announced they’re expecting. I swear man, everyone’s getting pregnant. There’s gotta be something in the water.” He laughed.

Tommy was glad he was eating with a plastic fork and not a metal one because the fork fell out of his hand and surely would’ve gathered attention had it made a noise. There was no way Tommy could be…

No, he was over forty. Male pregnancies over forty were virtually unheard of unless IVF was used. Men over forty who weren’t trying to get pregnant didn’t accidentally get pregnant, right?

The question plagued Tommy for the rest of his shift. There was no way, but it would explain the weird nausea and the fatigue. But also, wouldn’t he have figured it out sooner? He hadn’t been with anyone since Evan. The break up was two months ago now. Surely he would’ve noticed something sooner.

After his shift Tommy found himself at a pharmacy, hemming and hawing in the pregnancy test aisle. He was being ridiculous. There was absolutely no way. He looked at the tests again. Tommy huffed and hastily grabbed a box and marched over to the till. He wasn’t pregnant. He couldn’t be. But what was fifteen bucks to give himself some piece of mind that he was right?

Tommy didn’t even touch the tests that night. He was exhausted by the time he got home and seemed to remember hearing something about it being better to test in the morning anyway, so he decided to let himself sleep for the night and worry about that tomorrow morning.

It must’ve been eating away at Tommy’s consciousness though, because he bolted upright in bed a few hours later, having woken from a nightmare of himself birthing a stillborn while the doctor hounded on Tommy that it was his fault for drinking alcohol and eating things he shouldn’t have been eating early on in the pregnancy.

Five minutes later the timer on Tommy’s phone went off and he flipped the test over to see the results.

Two very clear pink lines. The test line was so dark the control line almost had no color to it, but it was very obviously two lines. Positive.

“Fuck.” Tommy muttered.

Tommy spent the next several hours crying in between breaks to puke and to take the other two tests in the box, which also came back positive.

The universe apparently had a very sick and twisted sense of humor. Why were there so many loving couples who desperately wanted kids and couldn’t have them, while Tommy who wasn’t trying, wasn’t even in a relationship, and should not have been able to get pregnant in the first place able to conceive?

Tommy knew he needed to tell Evan and the sooner the better. Tommy figured he had to be at least ten-ish weeks along already. Roughly a quarter of the way through the pregnancy. He also needed to see a doctor.

Tommy didn’t even understand how he hadn’t lost it already with what crappy care he’d been taking of himself the last several weeks. God he’d been drinking- and a lot. What if he hurt the kid? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was no joke. Tommy found himself puking again at that realization.

Tommy looked at the time and found it was 9am already. He reached for his phone and called his doctor’s office. At first the receptionist said they couldn’t get him in for nearly a month, but when Tommy broke down and started crying while explaining why he needed to be seen sooner, the poor, sweet receptionist on the other line found a spot to squeeze him into next week, and thankfully ended what had to be the most humiliating phone call of Tommy’s life.

He didn’t know how he could wait til next week to tell Evan. It felt cruel to keep this from him. Evan had the right to know. Evan loved kids, wanted kids of his own, wanted to be a dad. Tommy couldn’t keep this from him. He didn’t know what this would do with regards to their relationship. Tommy certainly didn’t expect this to magically fix everything. But Evan deserved the chance to be in his kid’s life. Their kid deserved to know both their parents. Tommy could put his own feelings aside for someone else’s sake, he’d been doing it almost his whole life, he was good at it, and he definitely owed it to this kid to do it again now.

After some social media sleuthing and mental math and eventually calling in a favor to a friend at dispatch, Tommy confirmed that the 118 A-shift was not currently on duty. Evan wasn’t working. He might not be home, but Tommy had to do this in person. He wasn’t telling Evan about something so monumental over a text. Tommy showered and got himself ready and drove to Evan’s apartment.

Tommy nearly turned around about a dozen times, but finally managed to get to Evan’s building and park. He sat in the truck for goodness only knew how long before he finally built the courage to get out and go in. The sooner he did this, the better, and Tommy needed something to feel better right now.

The elevator made him queasy to the point that Tommy got off after just one floor and took the stairs the rest of the way up to Evan’s floor. Taking so many stairs brought back that dull, crampy ache Tommy had been feeling in his stomach for weeks- he supposed that was actually due to the changes his body was doing though. Either way, he preferred that dull achy pain over puking in the elevator, so he pushed through and finally got to Evan’s floor. Tommy made his way to Evan’s door, it took him a solid minute or five to finally gather the courage to knock.

A moment later Evan pulled the door open and when he saw it was Tommy, Evan began to close the door again.

“We need to talk.” Tommy said quickly. “Please E- Buck. Just hear me out-”

“Hear you out?” Evan scoffed as he opened the door again. “I need to hear you out? After you didn’t give me the chance to say anything when you dumped me?”

“You’re pissed at me, and I get that-” Tommy started, still standing in the hallway.

“Pissed? Tommy, you broke my heart. And for weeks, weeks, I hoped you’d reach out- I saw you bubbling me, I thought you were going to reach out and you never did. It’s been two months and you want to talk now?” Evan crossed his arms. “I waited- you had your chance. I don’t want to hear it now.”

“Ev-” Tommy stopped himself and sighed. “Please believe me when I say I am well aware that you deserve so much better than how I’ve behaved, Buck. I’m sick with myself, and I’m not saying that because I’m looking for sympathy- I just want you to know that I’m as pissed at me as you are.” Tommy insisted, truly meaning every word he said.

“If you’re so self aware then why are you here now?” Evan demanded.

“Like I said, we need to talk.” Tommy said simply.

“What? You suddenly realized you made a mistake and want me back? It’s too damn late for that, Thomas.”

“I know that-”

“Clearly you don’t because if you did you wouldn’t be here!” Evan exclaimed.

“Because this isn’t-” Tommy didn’t know how to say what he needed to say and to make matters worse, he was hit with a fresh wave of nausea. “I didn’t know until last night,” Tommy had to pause to swallow hard, trying to keep from throwing up.

“Last night? It took you two months to what? Regret this? Miss me?”

“I missed you the moment I left that night. I regretted it before I was even back in my truck-”

“Then why didn’t you come back?” Evan demanded.

“Because you deserved better.” Tommy told Evan sincerely.

“And showing up two months later is better? No. I’m just finally starting to put myself and my life back together. You- you broke me, Tommy. I loved you and you broke me. You don’t get to show up now and screw me up again. Fuck you.”

“You think I don’t know what I did?! Evan I might be an idiot but I’m not stupid- I know I fucked up and I know I waited a long time to figure this out but I need you to hear me out.”

“I don’t need to do anything for you,” Evan started to close the door again.

“We’re gonna be a family!” Tommy said quickly. Even if they hated each other's guts- not that Tommy did or ever could hate Evan- they were having a kid together which made them family.

Evan stopped and looked at Tommy again. “We could’ve been a family- I wanted us to be a family. But this,” Evan gestured between himself and Tommy. “This isn’t a family. Family doesn’t do what you did to me- what you’re doing to me by showing up now. I don’t know what you were thinking when you came over here but we are not and never will be a family.”

Tommy felt his heart sink. It was understandable for Evan to not want anything to do with Tommy, but to want nothing to do with their kid either really hurt. Evan loved kids, but it seemed Tommy had hurt Evan so badly he didn’t even want to be involved in his own kid’s life. Tears gathered in Tommy’s eyes no matter how much he didn’t want them to. “Evan please, I know you’re mad at me but our ki-”

“No. Not buts. I’m not interested.” Evan stood firm.

“If you change your mind-” Tommy started.

“I won’t.” Evan cut him off. “You need to leave.”

Tommy looked at Evan for a moment longer, before giving in and walking away. He hadn’t expected things to go very well, but he hadn’t thought it’d be that bad either. Tears slid down Tommy’s cheeks as he made his way out of the building and as soon as he was outside he threw up again. Tommy sat in his truck for a while and just cried and cried before he finally managed to get himself together enough to drive home.

Tommy spent the next day at home alone, going everything over and over again in his head. He knew he hurt Evan when he left but he hadn’t been trying to hurt him. It was never Tommy’s intention to be malicious or purposely hurtful. He was just afraid and trying to protect his own heart. At least, that’s what he’d intended. Tommy didn’t know if he was more upset with himself that he hurt Evan so badly that Evan didn’t want to be involved in their kid’s life, or mad at Evan that he couldn’t get over the Tommy of it all to at least try and have a relationship with his kid.

Tommy knew he should be reaching out and talking to someone, but he didn’t know who. He had no one. Lucy was on shift and Tommy could already hear her lecture on how irresponsible he’d been- Tommy was well aware all on his own. He loved her, but she wasn’t exactly the shoulder to cry on that he needed right now anyway. Evan was obviously out of the question, and none of Tommy’s friends from the 118 had said a word to him since he broke up with Evan. In the end Tommy turned his phone off before he could do something he really shouldn’t, and put on Love, Actually and tried to just forget everything that was happening for a while.

The next morning Tommy was woken by his alarm. He had a shift even though he really really didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay in bed and be upset but unfortunately such was not possible. He dragged himself out of bed and forced himself to get ready for work. To make matters worse the aching cramps in his lower abdomen were back again and his shoulder was hurting- he figured he slept on it weird- but Tommy managed to push through.

Tommy didn’t know if he should be flying, so when he got to work he told his captain he wasn’t feeling 100% and grounded himself. Thankfully his captain didn’t question it or make a big deal of it. 

There were a few calls right off the bat, so the crew didn’t do their usual morning line-up and chore assignment until a couple hours into Tommy’s shift. Tommy was feeling nauseous again and was feeling a bit light headed, but he kept pushing through. He was assigned maintenance on one of the helicopters with another member of his crew, and they quickly got to work in relative silence.

By the time they were just about finished Tommy was feeling worse, and cramps were getting stronger. He was dizzy and felt more light headed than before. This felt wrong. Something was wrong. He needed to tell someone. Tommy stood up and the pain in his abdomen intensified as his vision blacked out and Tommy fell to the ground.

“Kinard! Come on, stay with us,” A voice called out an indeterminable amount of time later.

Tommy’s head felt heavy and he couldn’t open his eyes. He’d never felt pain like what he felt in his abdomen before now. He knew what it was but couldn’t bear to think about it.

“His pulse is racing.” Someone else commented. “Get him on the lifepak I need to see what his BP is.”

Tommy let the tug of unconsciousness take him again. Next time he came to, he could tell he was on a stretcher in the ambulance. Again, his eyes didn’t open but he could hear what was going on around him.

“All these symptoms present as major blood loss but he’s not bleeding from anywhere. It must be something internal.” Someone said. “Do you know if he’s been injured at all recently?”

“I’m not sure.” Someone else responded.

Tommy shook his head a bit.

“Hey, Tommy, you with us?” The second voice asked. “Does anything hurt?”

Tommy reached up to pull the oxygen mask out of the way. He needed to tell them he was pregnant. Tommy meant to say I’m pregnant and having stomach cramps but all that came out semi-coherently was “Pregnant… cramps.”

“Pregnant? Tommy, do you mean you’re pregnant? How far along are you?”

Again, the full contents of what Tommy meant to say didn’t match what came out clearly enough to be understood. Don’t know for sure. 10 or 11 weeks maybe. “Don’t know… 10, 11 weeks.”

“Okay, we got you. Just hang in there.” They told him.

Tommy felt the tug of unconsciousness again but he had something he needed to say. Evan’s still my emergency contact. Don’t call him. Call Lucy. Don’t call Evan. Please. “Ev… emergency contact, don’t call…Lucy.  …call Evan. Please.” Tommy mumbled before slipping away again.

---

Buck’s eyes flicked over to his phone as it started ringing. He was at home trying to sleep but he could not stop thinking about the fight with Tommy the day before last. He’d been on shift in the time in between and had put it to the back of his mind while working. The caller ID showed West LA Hospital. Buck swallowed thickly and answered as his mind raced with possibilities. “Hello?”

“Hi, is this Evan Buckley?” A woman’s voice came over the phone.

“Yes.” Buck confirmed.

“My name is Sheila Rollinson, I’m a nurse at West LA hospital. Someone who has you listed as their emergency contact has been brought into the ER via ambulance and is unconscious, which is why I’m calling you now.”

“Who is it? What’s going on?” Buck asked desperately.

“Thomas Kinard,” She said slowly.

Buck was already trying to think of the kindest way to tell this nurse that he was not interested, that she needed to find someone else to call because Tommy was not a part of Buck’s life anymore by Tommy’s own choice.

“We suspect he’s suffering complications related to his pregnancy, the doctor is with him now.” Sheila continued to explain.

“We’re going to be a family.”

Tommy’s words the other day. It wasn’t ‘we are a family’ or ‘we could be a family’. It was ‘we’re going to be a family’. Tommy was trying to tell Buck he was pregnant. That’s why he suddenly needed to talk to Buck. That’s probably what he meant when he said he realized it last night. Tommy had just found out and one of the first things he did was try to tell Buck.

And Buck was so caught up in his anger he hadn’t even listened to what Tommy had to say. Because if he had he would’ve noticed that wording last night. He would’ve understood what Tommy meant. If he’d been listening he would’ve understood that Tommy was doing all this for their kid. God if Buck had just listened to Tommy Buck wouldn’t have said he wasn’t interested, or that he wouldn’t change his mind. Buck was too angry to even realize he’d told Tommy he wasn’t interested in being a part of their kid’s life. Tommy was crying when he left and Buck did that. Buck caused that by saying he didn’t want anything to do with their child.

Buck felt like he could be sick. This didn’t undo all the hurt Tommy had caused when he broke up with Buck. But this did explain why Tommy contacted Buck two months later. Because while he thought Evan deserved better than him, Tommy knew he owed it to Buck to give Buck a chance to be in their son or daughter’s life. Yesterday wasn’t about Tommy’s wants or needs, it was about the baby. Their baby. No matter how hurt or mad Buck was with him, Tommy was trying to do the right thing now, and Buck needed to do the same.

“Sir? Are you still there?” Sheila’s voice came over the phone.

“Sorry, yes, you were saying?” Buck asked.

“Mr Kinard collapsed at work. We suspect it’s due to some kind of complication with the pregnancy. The doctor is working him up now, but as I mentioned before, Mr Kinard has been unconscious. There doesn’t seem to be an official medical proxy in place for Mr Kinard in his medical records, and according to his employer the paperwork is blank. In this case unless Mr Kinard wakes up we’ll need you to make medical decisions on his behalf.”

Buck was already up out of bed and pulling on clothing appropriate to leave the house in. “Com- complications, what kind of complications?” He asked.

“We should have exact details soon, it’s probably best if we wait until we know for sure what’s going on. Will you be able to come to the hospital?”

“Yeah, I’m on my way.” Buck promised and ended the call.

---

Tommy came to again. He was in a lot of pain and felt very weak and cold. His eyes didn’t open yet, but he could again hear voices.

“We need to get him to surgery now.”

“His emergency contact is on the way but he’s not here yet, there’s no one to sign the consent form.”

“He’s bleeding internally and moments away from hypovolemic shock. If someone doesn’t sign paperwork in the next minute, we’re taking him up anyway, we’ll have the surgeons sign off on emergency consent.” The first voice argued.

Tommy finally found the strength to speak. “Consent for what?”

“Mr Kinard can you hear us?”

Tommy gave a small nod.

“Mr Kinard, your pregnancy is ectopic, I’m sorry to say but the pregnancy is nonviable. It planted outside your uterus in one of your fallopian tubes, and the tube has now ruptured. You’re bleeding internally and we need to take you to surgery right away. We will attempt to repair the tube, but there is a chance we’ll have to remove it. Do you understand?”

Tommy had known since he felt that intense cramping right before he passed out that something was wrong with the pregnancy. He hadn’t really thought of it until it was happening but he’d hoped that maybe he was wrong, or that something could be done. He knew he’d just learned about the pregnancy and there were so many questions left unanswered with regards to actually having the kid but Tommy did want to go through with it. He’d never even considered having biological kids, but he had decided he was going to do it.

“Mr Kinard, are you still with us?”

“Yeah.” Tommy rasped. “There’s no way to save…” Given Tommy’s age this was probably his only chance to have a child.

“No, I’m sorry.”

Tommy was quiet for a moment. “Where’s the form?”

“We’ve got it right here.”

Tommy forced his eyes open, took the pen that was being offered to him and signed his name on the form, then let his eyes fall back shut.

They were quick to start moving him to the OR.

“I didn’t know,” Tommy said as they moved him onto the operating table. “Just found out two days ago. Don’t even know how far along.”

“Based on what we can tell we’d guess about eleven weeks.” Someone told him gently.

“I wasn’t eating right, was drinking,” Tommy scrunched his eyes further shut. 

“Propofol going in now.” Someone else said.

“Pushing myself at the gym. If I’d known…” Tommy felt like he was about to lose consciousness again. “Did I- did I do this?” He asked, and slipped away before he could hear the answer.

---

Buck got himself to the hospital as quickly as he could. The nurse had made it sound like Tommy had no one else and as hurt by Buck was by the break up, he wasn’t going to leave Tommy out to dry. Not when Tommy was alone and needed him. Not to mention their kid-

Buck raced into the ER and towards the desk. “I’m looking for Tommy- Thomas Kinard. I’m his emergency contact. I was called maybe twenty minutes ago.”

“Alright let me see here,” The woman at the desk typed on her computer for a moment. “Can I see some ID please?”

Buck grabbed his wallet, pulled out his driver’s license and showed her.

“Alright. Looks like Mr Kinard was just taken up to surgery. Why don’t you grab a seat for a moment and I’ll have someone come give you some more details?”

Buck nodded slightly in agreement even though he wanted to know what was going on immediately. The several minutes he spent sitting there felt like hours, when finally a nurse approached him. “Mr Buckley?” She asked.

“Buck, please.” Buck told her.

“Buck, I’m Sheila, we spoke on the phone. Why don’t we go somewhere a little quieter to chat?” She suggested. “I can take you to where you can wait for Mr Kinard.”

“Okay.” Buck stood and followed Sheila as they walked away from the busy ER waiting room.

“There’s no easy way to say this, but Mr Kinard’s pregnancy was nonviable. He couldn’t have successfully carried it to term.” Sheila explained. “He woke up for a few moments- long enough to sign a consent form for surgery. He was bleeding internally, he’s in surgery now to remove the fetus and stop the bleeding.”

Buck swallowed hard. 

Tommy lost the baby. Sheila said fetus and not embryo which told Buck that Tommy was at least eleven weeks along. The size of lime. They had fingers and toes and ears and fingernails were forming.

Buck wondered if this was his fault. Had the stress of their fight yesterday caused this? Stress could cause pregnancy loss- Buck had been doing a lot of reading because Maddie was pregnant again and he wanted to be more involved this time. Surely the fight would’ve stressed Tommy out, probably also caused his blood pressure to spike- another thing not good for pregnancy. “Did I do this?” He suddenly asked.

“Oh my dear,” Sheila said gently. “No, this wasn’t your fault.”

“But me and Tommy got in an argument the day before yesterday, the stress-” Buck told her.

“The pregnancy was ectopic- rather than implanting in the uterus, the egg implanted in his fallopian tube. This would’ve happened eventually no matter what. No one caused this to happen, Buck. Unfortunately sometimes these things just happen, and it’s awful and it’s heartbreaking, but it’s no one’s fault.” Sheila explained.

“Is- is Tommy going to be okay?” Buck asked.

“He’s lost a lot of blood, and they may need to remove the fallopian tube if the damage is significant enough, but he’s in excellent hands.” Sheila reassured. “You can wait for him to come out of surgery here. I’ll make sure to let the team in the OR know you’re waiting here for news.”

“Thanks.” Buck mumbled.

“Of course.” Sheila nodded and left Buck.

Buck sat down and put his head in his hands as tears began to fall. Tears for the baby, for Tommy, for himself, for what would’ve been, for what could’ve been, for what should’ve been.

---

Tommy briefly woke up in the post-op recovery area. The doctor explained that they’d taken the fallopian tube and Tommy was still receiving a blood transfusion, but he’d make a full recovery. Tommy didn’t find much peace in that, and quickly fell back asleep.

The next time Tommy woke up he was in a regular hospital room. He was sore from surgery, but that pain had nothing on the heartbreak he was feeling. He finally opened his eyes and saw Evan was sitting next to his bed, fighting with himself to not fall asleep. Tommy swallowed thickly. His throat was sore and mouth was dry, but he managed to speak. “I lost it, you know. You’re off the hook.”

Evan’s head whipped up and he looked at Tommy. His eyes looked red-rimmed and puffy from crying. He sat up straighter and shifted to the edge of his chair, a little closer to Tommy even if only by inches. “I know,” He said softly. “I’m here for you.”

“I tried to tell them not to call you, I didn’t mean to drag you into this.” Tommy told him. “You can leave, I don’t expect you to stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Tommy.” Evan insisted.

Tommy just looked at Evan and said nothing. They were silent for several minutes until Tommy spoke again as tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Evan asked gently.

“For- for losing the,” Tommy had never even called it what it was until now. “The baby. It’s all my fault-”

“Hey, no.” Evan scooted closer to Tommy’s bed and hesitated for a moment before reaching for Tommy’s hand. “Tommy it was wrong from the very start, nothing you did or didn’t do could’ve prevented this.”

Tommy looked down at Evan’s hand, holding his own ever so gently. “I wanted it. With or without you around I- I wanted it.” Tears slid down Tommy’s cheeks.

“I know. I wanted it too- I didn’t understand what you meant the other night until I got the call that you were here. I never meant to say I wasn’t interested. If I’d been thinking clearly enough to understand what you were saying I never would’ve said that, and I’m sorry I did.”

Tommy nodded slightly and they were silent again for a while. “For the record I- I loved you too, Evan.”

Evan looked at Tommy with a sad expression. “I understand that now. I- I didn’t before, but now I do.”

Tommy gave Evan’s hand a small squeeze. He could feel his eyelids drooping as sleep threatened to take him again.

“We don’t have to talk about this right now. Just rest, okay?” Evan told him. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?” Tommy whispered.

“I promise.” Evan confirmed.

Tommy squeezed Evan’s hand again and let sleep take over. His heart was still broken, but he felt a little less awful knowing Evan would be there when he woke up, and for now, that would be enough.

[tangerineneon]

I’m about to be completely vulnerable on main and idc:

in January/February 2023 I nearly died. I have been battling a 15 year long fight with my reproductive system and it came to a head when I wound up in the hospital with an ectopic pregnancy. An abortion is the only reason I’m here to blog with you all on tumblr dot com. Nothing else could have saved me, nothing else could have prevented my death. My existence right now is inherently political because I’m alive solely due to an abortion.

Abortion is basic medical care, yet there’s fucking idiots that are allowed to vote on these topics who don’t understand what an abortion actually is, or its use cases. They don’t know how many women naturally miscarry. They don’t know what an ectopic is (see: “they can take it and implant it elsewhere”). They don’t know what endometriosis is, what adenomyosis is, what polycystic ovarian syndrome is. They don’t know what causes HPV, what medical uses birth control has outside of, well, birth control. They don’t know even know what a period fully is!!! And yet, they’re allowed to damn people in the US to a fate that I only escaped because abortion is federally legal here, which they’re also trying to strip away. They’re allowed to sentence those with a uterus/ovaries to their deaths without a second thought. And that’s just okay!!! That’s just normal!!! We can just decide that a necessary, life saving medical procedure is illegal!!! What the fuck!!! Every single person on this earth should be entitled to the medical care they deserve. Even if that abortion isn’t to save their lives, I don’t care!!! It’s your body, it’s your life, you know what’s best for yourself!!! Everyone should have full autonomy over their bodies!

I love abortions. I love birth control. I love gender affirming care. I love hysterectomies and oophorectomies. I love my fellow women, and every single person who has/had a uterus/ovaries in their lifetime. Today fucking sucks, but we will take our time to grieve and cry, and then we will keep fighting. We will not take this lying down. We will not sit back and accept that this is our fate we are doomed to. We will persist. We will survive.

[canadian-snow-queen]

I love Elder Uchdorf, but this talk is being hard for me. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy rupture a month ago and as such I loss my pregnancy and a fallopian tube. So this talk about parenthood is making my heart cry because of the fact I loss my baby and my heart and soul is still yearning for them. I know parenthood is important but it still stings

[chocobochaserstories]

Omega Heat Cycle Physiology

So, funny story, I'm a Pre-Veterinary Major in university, which means I know way, way too much about reproductive A & P and I thought about Omegaverse too hard and here we are. Totally didn't write this in livestock nutrition today, Not like we had a lecture, Dr. A was momming us because half of the class (me included) had our biology professor call us failures. I love Dr. A she's the best :) Anyhow, here's my take on Omega Heat Cycle Physiology. TW: I don't think there are any, maybe just warning for mildly in depth repro talk?

Omega Anatomy and Physiology

Presentation

Occurs around 12-14 years of age, typically genetically predictable, meaning that for the most part omegas of a family will present around the same age. For example, if multiple generations present at 12 years old, this trend will continue for several more generations. In addition, heat cycle lengths and frequencies are also genetically linked. A mother’s heat cycle, assuming she is omegan, can be used to predict a first heat length. Typical symptoms of presentation include heightened body temperature, cramping in the abdominopelvic and lumbar regions, soreness of the breast tissue, bloating, headaches, nausea, and typical symptoms of arousal. An omega who as not presented by fifteen years of age is considered to be late blooming. This is generally not harmful, but may shift the other stages of development by however many years beyond the normal period of development the presentation heat occurred. 

Pseudoheats

Typically occur between 14 and 18 years of age. During this period, an omega will experience heat cycles, however they are not mature heat cycles. During this period, omegas are capable of conception, however the reproductive organs are still in development, which can result in the pregnancy causing damages that can be permanent. Pregnancy during this period can lead to higher rates of miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, and stillbirth, as well as higher instances of gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, and excessive strain on other non-reproductive organs. Pregnancies carried to viability have higher risks of preterm labor, low birth weight, childbirth complications for both the mother and baby, increased infant mortality within the first week, and increased rates of birth defects. The damages risked during this period also have significant potential to irreparably damage an omega’s future fertility, as well as cause temporary or permanent sterility due to reproductive damages and traumas. 

At this stage, the pseudoheats share many of the same symptoms of presentation heats (heightened body temperature, cramping in the abdominopelvic and lumbar regions, soreness of the breast tissue, bloating, headaches, nausea, symptoms of arousal), but at this point in development, hormonal-related arousal is more common due to hormone values during this period. During pseudoheats, omegas generally mature further towards their secondary gender’s characteristics. Areas of development include widening of the hips, deposition of fatty tissue in the lower abdominal cavity, and overall development of a more feminine silhouette, all under ideal conditions. In cases of inadequate nutrition, the development isn’t as obvious, but the body will still attempt to redirect resources to the development of areas of importance. As opposed to the presentational heat, pseudoheats are characterized by a steady climb in an omega’s hormones. In particular, estrogen, which is essential to the proper development of the reproductive tract and accessory structures. Heat Cycles will still be fairly irregular.

Transitional Heats

Typically begin around 18 years of age and continue until about 20 years of age. At this point in development, the hormones from the pseudo heats peak and stabilize. By this point, physical development is wrapping up and heats that occur during this period of development are very similar to mature heat cycles. Fertility during this period improves steadily, but it is still in development. Heat cycles begin to occur more regularly and stabilize in terms of frequency, length, and intensity. Symptomatically, transitional heats are typically more intense than pseudoheats, but not as intense as mature heat cycles. At this point, the symptoms are the same as the prior two stages, although arousal is greater in intensity in strength. In addition, an unmated, unbred omega may experience cramping or an increase in body temperature (up to a temperature of 101.5°F). During heats, the cervix is also softer and more malleable, aiding in the breeding process. For mated omegas, the breeding instinct is stronger and tends to be one of the few things on an omega’s mind during the peak of the cycle (active heat= ~7 days, so day 3-4). An omega being intimate with an alpha during this stage can expedite this stage and cause mature heat cycles, which is not necessarily good as this can lead to reproductive issues due to hastened development.

Mature Cycles

Occurs from age 21-22 and until the menopausal stages around age 50. At this point, it becomes legal to take heat suppressants, scent blockers, and other hormone medications, which can otherwise mess with development. The only major difference between mature heat cycles and transitional heat cycles is the intensity of cycles increases and the cycle frequency, which stabilizes. 

[vlrghoes]

What Once Was | Roman Reigns

Author’s Note: I know I was meant to post Legal Affairs first but this idea has been in my head for so long and I wanted to take the plunge into writing it as I felt I could connect with the characters and the storyline more and managed to already write my first chapter (currently editing.) In future I will finally post Legal Affairs

Pairing: Roman Reigns x Black! Oc

Status: In progress, first chapter to be posted by 25/8/24

TW: Death, grief, overall dark chapter, pregnancy complications (?)

Let me know if you want to be on my tag list and I’ll tag you in future chapters

Joseph Anoa’i is at the peak of his career, his wife Ayanna, dies suddenly during childbirth on the night of his greatest victory at WrestleMania. Overcome with guilt and grief, Joseph is left to navigate the challenges of single parenthood with their newborn twins, struggling to balance the weight of his loss with the demands of raising his children alone.

Years later, Joseph has stepped away from the wrestling spotlight to devote himself to his sons. When he enrolls them in the daycare run by Kimora, a dedicated teacher battling her own health issues—PCOS and the aftermath of an ectopic pregnancy that left her with one fallopian tube—he finds himself slowly drawn to her. Kimora’s compassion and resilience offer a glimmer of hope for both Joseph and his children.

As Kimora helps Joseph’s son with a potential dyslexia diagnosis, she and Joseph begin to form a deep, yet tentative bond. Both must confront their past wounds and navigate their fears about the future.

Joseph and Kimora must face the challenge of reconciling their pasts with their present. As they find solace in each other, they must decide whether they can let go the pain of what once was and embrace the hope of what could be.

Chapter One | Chapter Two

[heian-era-housewife]

Going North

This is not a fic. But it is a story. My story. Or at least, part of it.

When I started this blog I wanted to maintain as much anonymity as possible. Six months in and here I find myself publicly journaling my most guarded secrets. Funny how things change.

Warnings: ⚠️⚠️⚠️ Please proceed with caution. I have done my best to put the appropriate tw/cw tags in place, but be aware this post mentions nonconsensual sex, SA, suicide, mental health, mental illness, grief, and loss.

I'm writing to you from the depths of a very severe depressive episode and hoping that, in doing so, I may start to find my way out.

So...where do I begin?

For those who don't know I am, regrettably, American. This election has affected me more profoundly than I could ever have imagined.

I recently discovered that my entire family, including my parents- who have always been my best friends, voted for the man who represents everything I reject. Everything I despise.

This comes during a time I find myself exploring and redefining my gender identity. During a time where the healthcare system has repeatedly failed me in treatment and diagnosis of a reproductive condition. During a time when I am learning that ectopic pregnancy is a potentially fatal reality for me. While living in a state where abortion and life-saving reproductive care have been made illegal.

I was 13 the first time I was raped. With 8 months of continuous and repeated rape and sexual assault to follow. The only person I told was my family doctor. A Christian. Who told me sexual activity was an act against God. I never spoke of it again.

Not until I was 18 and had my first "real boyfriend". In explaining why I wanted to wait to be intimate, I told him my story, unaware he would weaponize it. Once again I found myself an unwilling participant in an act called "love". Only this time it was years, not months. The day I escaped I was punched in the face and thrown down the stairs. I still have a scar on my leg from fleeing my boyfriend assailant.

I ran to the safest person I knew. A friend from high school. A kind and gentle person. Someone who, in time, would show me that love and intimacy can exist in a non-toxic capacity. And though our eventual relationship would come to end in mutual respect as he came to explore his own sexuality and gender identity, I still credit him with playing a role in saving me.

Unfortunately, I was unable to return the favor when, just two months ago, he took his own life on the eve of his 30th birthday. I can't say for certain why he chose to end his journey, but I can only imagine that his race as a POC and sexuality were attributing factors as we stare down a future of continued systemic hate and bigotry.

In some ways, I still consider myself lucky. I never became pregnant. I never lost hope in finding love. I am married to a wonderful man who supports my every endeavor. His kindness is unrivaled, and his empathy knows no bounds. He meets me in my darkest places. He reminds me why I must continue to fight- to live. Even on the days I no longer want to...

And now, with the recent election, and the terrifying days ahead, I can't help but feel sometimes that it really is me and him against the world.

My family has chosen to stand behind a man who promised to lower the price of eggs, while creating a country wherein my life and those of countless other are at risk. Where it seems our validity as human beings is in question.

I am not even sure how I am supposed to continue a normal job, when every waking moment I am revisited by the traumas of my past with people shouting "Your body, my choice". Or fearing that another friend may take their life in the wake of the hatred that is blooming here.

I miss my parents. I used to call them every day. Now I am unsure how to even speak with them.

I am unsure of a lot of things.

In large part thanks to friends I have made here, I have begun the process of seeking further psychological support and evaluation.

Moving forward, I also plan to put more time and energy into my art. I am currently seeking ways to support myself financially in a work-from-home capacity as my deteriorating mental health is making working a regular job nearly impossible at the moment.

I'd like to remain active on this blog and continue building friendships over the love of JJK- something that, as silly as it is, brings me so much joy.

I hope that, if you've read this far, you'll continue this journey with me. And if you have read this far, thank you so much for being part of my life, sharing in my memories, my grief, my struggles. Thank you for listening to this story. Hopefully the next few I post will be more cheerful, and fictional, of course.

Thank you also to my international friends who have shown so much incredible love and support. You have no idea how much it means to be extended a friendly hand in a time where the world is justifiably furious with and untrusting of Americans.

I want to fight for a brighter future. I want to see what happens if we don't give up. I am determined to find peace and to one day look back on this post and be glad I chose to go North.

With love and gratitude,

Yuri 🩷

[a-d-nox]

web of wyrd: the outer numbers and the types of death / near death experiences you may have that year

tw: drugs/alcohol, murder, suicide, war, and other incidents where death may occur.

the outer rim of the wyrd web foretells the themes of our year ahead. today i will be covering some types of deaths that may occur around you or to you! i know that's scary (feel free to scroll), but i was asked in my discord about death markers in the outer rim. 13 isn't what we are looking for when it comes to death; i can make an argument for every single number/card and what type of death may occur. i would like to also say that i believe death is possible any given day. to predict death and believe you know exactly when you will die is flawed thinking because nothing is certain - no one can 100% know when and where. this is hypothetical - that being said, these are basic premises; in no way does one number mean a single thing. each number can mean different things - multiple things. your lack of a number correlated with an experience below does not mean to minimize your experience with the topics; these are simply my observations (observations are not destined/fated to be true, they are simply possibilities / increased odds).

so let's get to it!

1: the magician

coercive activities / peer pressure

house fire

poison

2: the high priestess

coercive activities / peer pressure

3: the empress

childbirth

ectopic pregnancy

4: the emperor

battle/war

physical assault

5: the hierophant

a plot against you by your own people

ritual sacrifice

6: the lovers

surgery

7: the chariot

battle/war

car accident

8: strength

animal attack

illness

old age

9: the hermit

frostbite

illness

old age

suicide

10: wheel of fortune

freak accident

suicide

12: the hanged man

hanging

suicide

13: death

death row

execution

14: temperance

hypothermia

poisoning

15: devil

during a sex act

house fire

murder

old age

overdose / asphyxiation

surgery

16: the tower

a fall from a high heights

head trauma

in a storm

17: the star

hypothermia

illness

surgery

18: the moon

animal attack

suicide

20: judgment

being resuscitated

near death experience

suffocation

21: the world

watching someone close to you die / nearly die making you realize the fragility of life

22: the fool

dangerous recreational activities

a fall

on a trip/traveling

like what you read? leave a tip and state what post it is for! please use my "suggest a topic." button if you want to see a specific pac/pile next. if you'd like my input on how i read a specific card or what i like to ask my deck, feel free to use the ask button for that as well.

click here for the masterlist

click here for more web of wyrd related posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

© a-d-nox 2023 all rights reserved

[cowlicks-and-curls]

I lived bitches! Took our baby to the reptile show yesterday and one booth allowed us to hold a ball python so she could touch it and take pics. Also look at this dragon fruit turtle!

After we got home i got a pretty sudden and moderately severe burning pain in my right hip that just really didn't let up. For like 3. Hours. It wrapped around my back too. Mom and uprizon convinced me to go in because I wanted to skip it and it turns out that my tube ruptured from the ectopic pregnancy I had, despite the meds. My hcg went down from 2200 to 50, and it still ruptured at 50. I'm doing good now, they removed the tube and cleaned up all the internal blood so I'm just a bit sore and waiting on breakfast. I already feel better than I did after my bypass

[perfektblau]

tw- rant, health care related, rant , politics, don't read if you don't want to get mad, work rant

I was at my patient morning rounds as usual and the 6 physician assistants(SIX OF EM.) i have to round with said "shouldn't we celebrate for the election?" and agreed with another

and they just all start talking shit about how glad trump got elected.. my day was so ruined.

yall.....These are women in healthcare saying this.

im feeling sick.

I really thought they knew better.

imagine having ectopic pregnancy but because it's against the law to have abortion, the patient is left to die..

[hotheadrednecksimmer]

Ceilings - Struck by Love Legacy Challenge - Season 2, Episode 30

TW: Pregnancy Loss

The months go by as Naomi progresses in her pregnancy. She found it difficult to work with her growing belly, the piano and the guitar uncomfortable to play. She eventually had to resort to just singing, but even that was starting to be uncomfortable as she reached nearly 30 weeks.

Her cravings were strong, including wanting cereal at 3 am most nights.

Leo: Just a couple more weeks and we'll be a family of four.

Naomi was coming around to the fact she was going to be a mother and their family was going to change. She starting to love the babies that she was growing inside her. Naomi: I can't wait until they're here.

Leo: Let's get you some cereal, I know that's why we came down here in the first place.

Naomi: Yes please!

The next few days Naomi started to feel off, she chalked it up to just being uncomfortable. Her body was carrying two precious babies who were stretching her skin and making her unable to see the lower half of her body. She had an appointment coming up, so no need to worry right?

As she and Leo slept, Naomi woke up in a lot of pain. Naomi thought this was it - it was early but it wasn't unheard of with twins - she was in labor. As she sat up in bed the pain got worse, but it wasn't going away. It was constant, which from the pregnancy books that she read, labor pains came in waves. As she started to get up, she noticed the large amount of blood that pool around her legs.

Naomi: Leo, get up, somethings wrong with the babies.

Leo: Huh? What?

Naomi: Leo somethings wrong!!!

Leo rushed Naomi to the hospital, her pain growing.

Dr. Waldorf informed them that they lost the babies, Naomi had an ectopic pregnancy. Those words confused the both of them.

Naomi felt like it was all her fault, she willed this into existence. She didn't want them at first and now they were gone. All she could do was cry and blame herself.

Naomi: I'm sorry this is all my fault.

Leo: My love, it's not your fault. Even Dr. Waldorf told us that there was nothing that we could've done differently to change the outcome. Sometimes this happens, even with modern medicine.

Naomi: I didn't want them at first. I wasn't ready.

Leo confused: But, you were so excited?

Naomi: I faked it so you could be happy. You wanted them, I was still trying to figure out what I wanted.

Leo: I- I need some time Naomi.

Naomi: Okay.

Leo left her downstairs while he went upstairs to shower the day away and lay in bed while he let many tears fall.

Naomi made her way towards the living room to lay down, not bothering to change or do anything but lay there staring at the ceiling. This was all her fault.

╭┈◦•◦❥•◦ Season 1 | Season 2 First | Previous | Next

This episode was really hard for me to write -- mainly because I wasn't expecting this, I play with several mods that have chances of this happening to my sims and I didn't think to turn them off for Naomi, but I decided to roll with it for storytelling purposes. This was also hard for me to write because I experienced this myself, I've had two miscarriages and dealt with the grief of losing unborn babies (not as far along as Naomi was, but still). Sending love and hugs to all who have experienced a pregnancy loss no matter what stage you were in, losing a baby or babies, is not an easy thing. ♥ - Ash

[a-very-sparkly-nerd]

Snake Boi Callum Week - Day 3: High Mage/But Rayla Was In Trouble/Mirrors/Magic

(heads up, possible TW for pregnancy complications; I know they can hit close to home, and better safe than sorry!)

I'll Become the Monster, Like None They've Ever Known

Silence was not a good thing. Silence meant grasping for words, words to soften the blow. Or, worse, a kind lie.

“Well?” Rayla prompted, and Xan finally moved away from her stomach.

He straightened his glasses, slowly writing and checking off boxes on his clipboard he not-so-subtly held out of the couple’s view. “I…”

Out of nerves, Callum squeezed Rayla’s hand so hard that she hissed. Immediately loosening his grip, he murmured an apology before turning his attention to the doctor. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Your baby…” Xan began, and now he wouldn’t look at them, and that was not a good sign. “Well, they’re malpresented. That means the fetus isn’t correctly positioned. In this case, your child’s head is at the top of the womb, near the heart, rather than near the birth canal.”

“What does that mean?” Rayla asked nervously, glancing to Callum as he felt her heart rate speed up. “Can it be fixed?”

“Well, no,” Xan said. “There are chances of both the mother and child surviving the birth, but those are rare. The chances of one of you surviving rather than the other is about 50/50, given that most result in the death of both.”

Rayla leaned back against the chair, somehow paling even more as she let herself go limp onto Callum. He put an arm around her and rubbed slow circles into her back.

Xan wasn’t done. “However, your pregnancy is also ectopic.”

Callum sharply looked up at him as Rayla buried her face in his shoulder. “And what does that mean?”

“It means your child can’t be carried to term because it is growing outside of the uterus. To be frank with you, I’m shocked you haven’t come to me with concerns of, at the very least, extreme discomfort.”

Rayla… even all these years later, she still didn’t complain when she was mildly uncomfortable, or even in debilitating pain. She still never wanted to burden anyone, and now it could cost her her life.

He shot to his feet. “And why didn’t you tell us sooner?!”

“An ectopic pregnancy can be diagnosed anywhere from the first trimester to quite literally during labor. And malpresentation usually shows up at thirty-six weeks pregnant on average. We actually got quite lucky, finding it as early as we did.”

“You call this lucky?” Callum spat, pacing now as his voice came out strangled. “My wife and child are both going to die!”

“Well… not necessarily…”

Rayla tugged his hand, and he sat back down, tucking her further into him. “What are the survival odds?” he asked in a low voice. “For either of them?”

Xan took off his glasses and wiped them off with the hem of his shirt before repositioning them on his face. “Near zero for even one of them surviving. I think it’s safe to assume both Princess Rayla and your child will die if the birth continues as planned.”

Rayla threw her arms around his neck, her sobbing loud and clear despite being muffled by his shoulder. His shirt was quickly soaked, Callum pulling her into his side and rubbing her shoulder.

Still, he had to ask. “And if the birth doesn’t continue as planned?”

“Well, if we act now, one of them can be saved. We can perform a surgery to remove the child, and your wife’s chances of survival will skyrocket; I can near assure you she will live and be just fine in due time. Or, given how far healthcare has come due to the use of magic, we can force the birth and an Earthblood and Sunfire elf can heal the child and give them the nutrients and growth needed to simulate a normal pregnancy, an incubation if you will, to keep them healthy until labor would be induced in normal time. But Princess Rayla will not live.”

Callum let those words sink in. Rayla or their child, probably both, would die if a decision wasn’t made at this very moment. It didn’t feel real. It felt like a nightmare, a cold dread wrapping around him, like a cruel trick because the universe could never get enough of fucking around with his and Rayla’s lives. It’d been difficult enough to conceive, only able to do it at all because of magic, and now this? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair.

Read more on AO3!

←Previous - Next→

[prettyhawkward]

TW --- surgery talk/medical trauma/descriptions.

Surgery tomorrow 😬

I'm relieved I have to be there so early in the morning (7.30) because that means I don't have to hang around waiting. Waiting to do something/for an appointment is the ND killer. You can't do anything else because your brain cannot be involved in any other process but you're understimulated, anxious and can't focus on anything so every single minute just draaaaags along and it's horrid. By the time the appointment happens you're almost relieved because at least you aren't in the Waiting State anymore.

Anyway I need to eat lots of good things before 6pm but I feel like my throat is a tube with a sock in it.

I think... this is actually the first time I've had a surgery that has been pre-planned and isn't a sudden rushing emergency?

My first surgery was in 2015 I think? Or was it end of 2014? Uncertain... either way. I had my appendix out. And then I had another surgery right before moving house. This one was meant to be a keyhole surgery but when I woke up after they had done a new incision because apparently I had a big cyst that they hadn't seen originally (????)(i was there for an ectopic pregnancy) So they opened me up and took that out and LEFT the damaged fallopian tube behind after apparently trying to 'repair' it which then led to me having a life threatening tubo ovarian abcess the size of a large mango that put me in hospital for 2 weeks much later.

Anyway... since that time when I woke up and the pain hit me all at once and like... you just sort of know? Your body hurts in this specific way and there was a nurse next to me and he was like... you really can't move yet and I was like bro I had keyhole surgery they said I would be fine?? And he gave me the yummy morphine button and I had fun clicking away at that until I maxed it out obviously and then I was still in pain and completely dissociated and the dr came and she takes the dressing off but I was lying flat and couldn't see properly and they spray this cold thing on and I'm like... it wasn't keyhole surgery and she was like oh did they not tell you we opened it up and I struggled to lift my head enough to see and started panicking a bit and she's like it's okay you had a cyst on your ovary that we had to remove and like jokingly makes the size of it with her fingers.

Later on following that surgery I was rushed back to the hospital after fainting because I was packing a house whilst taking care of my 9 month old baby. (Pulled 2 stitches) At that time they thought I had internal bleeding because I kept... um shitting blood? And my stomach was like purple and grey?? So they put me under again to do a colonoscopy to find the source of the bleed. Which apparently they never did find. 😖

Anyway I survived that too and we eventually did manage to move house and I healed but now I'm just shit scared of going under and I can try to tell myself it's going to be fine and I'm not overseas anymore and it's just a small surgery to fix - and thats when I remember I wouldn't need this fucking surgery in the first place if they hadn't been useless and negligent and damaged me and now I'm back to being terrified cause what's to stop someone making a mistake again and this time it's not in my stomach or whatever its my fucking head and that in itself is so scary like they're doing surgery in my face and my brain is there and my eyeballs and what if something goes wrong and I go blind or there's a bleed in my head or something.

Going to like grovel until Sebastian puts me in a box cause I'm not doing this.

Yes I have alters who take care of these things for me but I still remember it and I still have to live with the lead up and the anxiety of knowing something is going to happen to my body again and I have to recover again and I have to endure pain again.

[kingsnack]

I’ve had a real crappy time.

tw: pregnancy, loss of child, ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage

So June 13th I found out I was pregnant. I already have two kids, so this was definitely an adjustment but happy nonetheless. I wasn’t feeling good but chalked it up to just being pregnant, though my gut told me something wasn’t quite right I tried to ignore it. A couple days later, I started spotting, which set off some alarm bells with me since I never spotted with my two kids, but I called my OB’s office and they said to try not to worry, sometimes spotting happens and to keep an eye on it. So, I did. By that Saturday the spotting still has not tapered off and wasn’t getting better (I also started cramping) and that bad feeling in my gut had not gone away either. I just knew something was wrong. So, I went to the ER, they ran some blood work and confirmed my pregnancy but said I was likely having a miscarriage. My HCG levels were 46, not a good sign for a new pregnancy, combined with the bleeding. Monday I went to my OB’s office, did more blood work, hcg levels were 44 by now and they confirmed my miscarriage.

I was devastated and gutted, to put it simply. More appointments ensued, doing more and more blood work. Hcg levels stayed about the same, never dropped below 40, the hospital sent me to a better hospital about 45 minutes from me because they could not figure out why my hcg levels were dropping. They do more blood work, etc, and finally an ultrasound. There they see no in-uterine pregnancy and some cysts on both sides, okay sometimes they happen but they’re concerned about what’s on my right side, and from there they tell me I’m ectopic, judging by the blood work previously and the ultrasound. They can’t tell if it’s a cyst or the pregnancy but they don’t want to take their chances. Blood work at this point is 96. He wants to wait a few more days before taking action, he wants to give me a shot of methotrexate to stop the cells from growing further. We wait a couple more days, he calls me with blood work— it shot up to 115 or 120. He’s like hold up, MAYBE this is a brand new pregnancy we caught and not ectopic like we thought? Let’s wait a few more days, see what new blood work shows before we give the shot in case it’s a viable pregnancy. Great, whatever, get our hopes up. So we wait and wait.. to yesterday.

He gets my blood work back, tells me my levels went straight down to 36. Tells me I can wait until next week for more blood work or I can just get the shot, it’s up to me, but it’s NOT a viable pregnancy either way. I think on it— do I take my chances of if not being ectopic? Do I risk my fallopian tube bursting and lose a tube? I call back and decide to do the shot, I’ve had enough. I want this to be over. I spent thirty minutes of being in the infusion center bawling. The nurses were so sweet, gave me some water and blankets and talked with me before they went to give me the shot. The side affects haven’t been too pleasant, im nauseous and feeling very meh but also.. I can breathe a bit easier knowing this will be over, as horrible as this sounds. I’m trying to heal both physically and mentally, but it’s not been easy. I was planning on coming back but honestly, after this? I may take longer, I can’t muster the energy. Just wanted to give an update, I miss you all.

Take care.