#turns out when irl is going either better or worse than just fine i don't find much tumblr time

[measuringbliss]

hello friend! what's the pasta story? hope your day gets better (even if you were exaggerating a little). <3

Read the tags.

You know, it's when you cook pasta because it's the only thing you have left (bad sign) and make a curry sauce on the side, but then turns out the sauce has no taste in spite of the curry powder and the salt

So you end up with cold pasta, a useless sauce that makes it worse, and tons of dishes you've got to clean before you can even go back to your bed because you don't live alone

And suddenly I'm fed up with everything I see on here and Twitter because most discourse is asinine and people say a lot of words while knowing next to nothing and why do people still use the word "problematic" in the year 2023 unironically. I think a lot of people should be problematic. Just a bit. As a treat. And get called out–but not harrassed. So they'd finally understand that everybody's problematic and that nobody can hope to be pure and perfect, nor should they strive to be.

I'm also annoyed because my history course on Germany from Hitler's rise in power to his defeat reminds me that time is a circle, that my country is rules by neo-fascists, and that teenagers unironically use nazi talking points fully believing that they're in the right without an ounce of self-awareness, but it's fine because teenagers are gonna teenage, except that I also see actual adults have the same thoughts and I'm just so tired of this

Any discourse I've seen in the past several years has been asinine at best and downright depressing most of the time. Things don't progress, and even though there's nice stuff (the ozone layer either has been fixed or is about to be!!! That's great!), the bad outweighs the good but I can't just say that I'll simply stop going on Twitter and Tumblr, because those dumb stuff also get said IRL and I realize it's almost 11pm and I should go to sleep but. It's annoying!

Fuck, I really have to do the dishes.

Anyway, I love you and I hope you feel better than me 🤡

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[theprodigypenguin]

what do I do if I want to read all of your stories cause I read one a long time ago and love it bUt am afraid of becoming anxious cause you have a lot of them? you kind of captivated me and now I want to listen (read, actually) to all the stuff you say (write) here on tumblr or on ao3, and comment in all of the content just because you deserve the support since you're pretty awesome, BUT I AM SO AFRAID OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU'RE COOL AND I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT CAN'T SO AAA sorry

Anon you’re the sweetest ever and this is the nicest message I could have gotten before going to bed, thank you so much for sending this. If you want to read all my stories in a binge then please be my guest, and I hope you enjoy all of them to your hearts desire, but please don’t feel any responsibility to comment on every single one. Of course I absolutely adore every single comment I’ve ever gotten, and I’ll appreciate every comment you might end up leaving, but I know sometimes it’s difficult to articulate how a fic made you feel. If you leave comments, I fucking worship you, but I’ll be just as happy if you simply enjoy my work.

Don’t ever be afraid to send me messages, and if it makes you feel more comfortable I’m totally fine if you just want to ask me questions through anon. I know sometimes reaching out to people you admire can be super scary, but I definitely encourage you to contact me at least through anon, which would be a lot less intimidating. I love getting questions about my work or just nice anons now and then, and I really enjoy interacting with people who enjoy my fics.

Of course I really have to tell you, I’m not special or really cool in any way. I’m just some trash bag who likes Jeddy. I’m just a normal fan like anyone else, so you don’t have to be afraid to contact me. I definitely won’t be able to reply to every single DM (I’m pretty busy irl because I work full time and just can’t keep up with that kind of thing, please understand), and I'm not be the greatest friend, but I’ll try to respond to anons and messages here as often as I get them.

As for my fics, I definitely see how it might be intimidating that I have so many. If it helps I can put a list of all my Cursed Child/Harry Potter work on my Ao3 (theprodigypenguin) with their word count so it makes things less intimidating:

Love Me Tender (4k words, rated G) “Teddy loved James. Tender and true; and James loved Teddy back.”

Memory, Memory (3k words, rated G) “Teddy visits his parents grave every year on the same day, but he always goes alone. This year turns out a bit different.”

Damages (27k words, rated M) “James wasn’t one to hide things about himself from the people around him. He was brought up to be proud of who he was, every piece of himself. He wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality or his preferences, the gender he was attracted to or otherwise, and his family wasn’t ashamed of it either. No, in the end he was ashamed not for who he was, but for who he loved, and the fear that everyone else would be ashamed and would hate him for the same thing.”

Stargazing (2k words, rated G) “The lack of lighting made his eyes look like glass covering shadows, mirrors that had no discernible color but reflected all the stars that he seemed so entirely enthralled with. He looked like a charcoal oil painting on canvas, and Teddy was starting to become an avid art lover.”

Woke the F*ck Up (10k words, rated G) “When an ex who broke it off because James wouldn’t put out re-enters his life and asks to have lunch together, James reaches out to Auror partner Teddy Lupin, who’s all too happy to help scare away the little bastard, no matter how he has to do it.”

OK (13k words, rated M) “An Auror mission gone awry proves just how essential having a specialized clinic for Lycanthrope-Afflicted witches and wizards is.”

Bones (15k words, rated E) “The Potter’s and Weasley’s had always been Teddy’s unofficial family, he’d grown up with them after all, but in the past he never would have imagined actually joining their family. Till now that is, and there was no one else Teddy would have wanted to share this day with.”

Slow Down Time (6k words, rated G) “It was so domestic, Teddy always found himself in awe of it. That he’d grown up almost entirely alone, and somehow was blessed with this family. There had always been an empty space in his heart that could never be filled by those he grew up with.It was an empty space that ached unimaginably whenever he looked at pictures of his parents, whenever he visited their grave or saw it was May second on the calendar, because what he longed for the most was family of his own, his parents, shared blood, and now he had that.”

Creation Out of Nothing (4k words, rated G) “In retrospect, Lily and Lysander don’t have much in common, but if you can’t bond over feelings of self doubt and the concept of not being good enough for your family, then what else are you supposed to bond over?”

Just a Scary Dream (5k words, rated G) “When they were younger, Albus always went to James when he had a particularly bad dream. He grew out of it, but in light of recent events, the murders of Craig and his grandparents and his involvement with Delphini, the bad dreams had just gotten worse, and only one person was ever able to help him through those nightmares.”

Moon Sick (9k words, rated G) “James is in his final year at Hogwarts, seventeen and thriving, but no matter how long he’d spent in Slughorn’s class over the past few years, he still didn’t much see the point of potions, and he was running out of time to finally get motivated about it. His seventeenth Christmas at The Burrow, however, proves a better teacher and motivator than Slughorn or his father ever were, as a dear friend becomes ill, where the only method of healing and relief is through the brewing of a special tonic. Though James has little to no interest in such things, if it’s to help relieve the pain of someone he truly cares for, he would do just about anything.”

Thicker Than Water (15k words, rated G) “James Sirius Potter loves his family, and he isn’t shy about announcing it. He’ll say it to their faces and say it to whoever is listening, that he loves his parents and his amazing sister, his cousins, aunts and uncles, even his ever frustrating younger brother, Albus. Difficult he may be to talk to sometimes, James still loves him, even if he struggles to make Albus understand that; but when Albus disappears not once, but three times, before the first term back at school is even halfway over, James starts to wonder, maybe he didn’t tell Albus he loved him nearly enough, and worries if he didn’t start saying it sooner, he’d lose his chance to entirely.”

Holiday Dysfunction (26k words in 5 chapters, incomplete, rated G) “People say that if you have a confession to tell, the best thing to do would be to simply rip it off like a Band-aid, but for Albus that metaphorical Band-aid has been stuck in place for the past six years, and it’s hard enough talking to your dad when he happens to be Harry Potter, so it makes things a little more complicated when you’re also in love and married to the son of your father’s former school rival and ex-death-eater. Throw a new kid into the blend and the Holiday Season just gets more festive.”

Stupid Deep (24k words in 6 chapters, incomplete/ongoing, rated E) “October of 1981 came and went, Halloween night left James Potter with lasting mental and physical scars, his wife lost to him and his son marked by a madman who had the audacity to disappear before James could get his revenge. He’d lost so much in so short a time: his loving parents, his beloved wife, his long time friend; a betrayal that stung more than the curse to his chest ever could. He struggled to live, he regretted every breath, only living because he had to, because he had Harry to look after, but he ached in ways that shouldn’t ever be endured by any human. James thought for sure everything was lost, even the things he still had seemed too far away and easy to lose. He doubted anything in the world could make it less painful. Until a chance miracle is brought to light, a former infatuation rekindled into burning flames, and the Gryffindor bravery James thought was long lost roars back to life inside of him. He’d lost so much, but if he could help it, he would not lose this. Not again.”

I hope this helps, love! And thank you for sending in such a sweet message!

[free--therapy]

hello! I've been feeling really sad the last few days because of something I watched online a few times as a teenager. now i think it was wrong (since it was a nsfw video) and yet back then i watched it without thinking about the rights or wrongs. thinking about it now years later, i feel it was very wrong to watch that and feel very bad about watching it because its not something i would personally support in real life. when i searched it up recently to read other people's opinions, there were mixed opinions- some people were disgusted, some were completely okay with it and many other claimed that its okay to watch as long as you don't do it irl which sounds wrong to me.

either way, i feel very bad about it and keep thinking about if it was wrong/okay to even watch it or like it back then especially because i have unwanted intrusive thoughts/images about it now and the thoughts make me feel uncomfortable and anxious. but my mind immediately goes "you feel uncomfortable about these intrusive thoughts now but you watched related content a few times as a teen then why should it bother you now?"

and it just makes me feel worse and kinda like a hypocrite because these thoughts are so unwanted and uncomfortable but the idea that i did watch something related to this back then makes me question "what if i secretly like it?" which just makes me even more anxious in turn because im sure i don't. sorry for rambling so much :(

Hey Anon,

Unfortunately NSFW things can have detrimental effects on our brains, especially when consumed at a younger age. This is why there are age restrictions on these sorts of things, even though they may seem harmless at the time to some people or "unnecessary". There are very good reasons as to why they exist. Some people are able to process it fine, but oftentimes they can warp our view of the world and can even be traumatizing because of the nature of what it is we're watching, even when we don't realize it immediately. A lot of trauma ends up working out that way where you don't realize how bad it is until years later when it creeps up on you, like it appears to be doing for you right now.

First off, don't beat yourself up for exposing yourself to it or even thinking that maybe you enjoyed it at the time. We are all going to be exposed to disturbing things in our lives, whether in our control or not, and will have to process these things when we come to realize how messed up they are. Some of these things are just unavoidable. Start by forgiving yourself for letting yourself see it. Self-forgiveness is an act of self-love and when it comes to processing traumatic things, we have to be loving and compassionate towards ourselves for what we did or didn't do during those times. What's done has been done and nothing can change it at this moment. What you can change now is how you react to what you did so that next time it comes up, you know better. The fact that you recognize that what you saw was disturbing is a sign that you know better now and can start working towards making sure you don't expose yourself to those things again. I know it's hard to make those kinds of decisions when you have people online who don't seem as disturbed as you are, but trust me, your mind is telling you that something isn't right for you and that's okay if it's different than what others are saying. Whatever you do, don't avoid the feelings of discomfort and instead examine them and try not to sabotage yourself in the process. Recognize how they make you feel and find a way to comfort yourself when they seem to intrude on your thoughts. Remember that they are just thoughts and cannot harm you. (e.g. "That was so messed up what I watched, and I can't believe I did that. I feel so ashamed right now, but I don't have to let those thoughts control me, they are just thoughts after all! I am safe.") Another helpful thing to do is try and recognize any triggers. Do you find that your mind goes towards those intrusive thoughts when you see, hear, or think certain things? Try to identify them and prepare yourself when you find yourself headed that way. A good way to help you prepare is by either having mantras or activities you can turn to to fill your mind with something more positive instead of allowing the intrusive thoughts to take over.

Remember that this will take time and lots of practice. It will take time for the thoughts to completely disappear, but they will eventually go away the more you work towards processing them. Good luck! 😊

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Gonna talk about personal here regarding having sex. And etc.

I never had any romantic relationship, but had one experience (like sexting?) when I was teen to someone two years older (we've been pals for years and never do it physically). It was a thrill and I don't think I want to do it IRL, because part of me assumed it as traumatic experience, and I always afraid to look for romantic partner / starting a family of my own.

Aside sexual thing, like basically everything could ruin your marriage. I don't want it. But I'm touchstarving fellow who's weakness is keeping good relation to anyone.

I'm super envy when people goes saying how they love their partner. I want to be / have one, but I'm a coward and couldn't praise anything.

I want to take care of people, but to imagine people does it to me? Give me a break.

First off, I’d like to say I was going to answer privately to that, based on the subject, but, since it’s on anon, I am really sorry I have to post the reply like that. This is something I consider personal, therefore easier for both the person sending and myself to be open to such a conversation without fear who’s watching, judging etc. To your message, now, I too have never been into a romantic relationship before due to various reasons, some of which are based on a couple of same fears you’re describing here so, I totally understand what you mean and it’s super valid to feel that way. People keep mentioning only people who feel better not being in a relationship, or being in one and not having sex, when it comes to that subject, but not much for people like you or me, who do want the relationship part but can’t imagine themselves succeeding in keeping it strong, loving, passionate, or sth else, or even all of the above. People who’ve suffered abuse are also mentioned in such conversations, people who’ve been traumatized to try and then wish for their partners to have patience with them, as not everyone who’s been through sth like that can just “get over it“ or heal by themselves before trying a relationship with someone who shows them they deserve to be loved, or to not be afraid of abuse cause not everyone is abusive, or anything else their trauma has created in their mind and body to feel that fear. The thing is, whether it’s talked about or not, there are various reasons for people not to "feel ”able to get into a relationships or sexual contact with someone, and I use the word “feel“ loosely, because I personally think everyone is able to get into a relationship if they really want it, but fear or trauma or sth else holds them back. I am not talking about those who really don’t want it, here. Relationships are not something everyone wants and that’s okay, so anyone not into relationships here please don’t bite, that’s not what I meant.

I generalize a lot, though. To be more specific: In my opinion (which could be super wrong so please don’t take this as a fact or judgement) if part of you thinks that was a traumatizing experience for you, it is. I have experienced this myself and known people who’ve been through this before. I mean having been through something many people have and find normal, yet when you went through it, it felt scarring or even traumatic. When you go through such a feeling for something considered “normal“ you often end up thinking that maybe you are exaggerating, or that you are being oversensitive, but let me tell you what, not all people have the same limits and sensitivities. If some people are fine doing sth like that, good for them, but it’s not the same for everyone so, if you feel that hurt you, it probably did, so I think you should start from there when you think “when did i start feeling scared of getting into a relationship.“. Like you said though, there is more to that than that experience and like I said, several of these things I have felt too for my own reasons. I suck at keeping friends for a long time so i also understand your feeling unable to keep good relationships with anyone. I’ve only now started to get some balance, the last two-three years and honestly I don’t trust myself that I will manage to keep doing that. I think about it at least once a week. When I am down, it gets worse, I often find myself thinking who I should speak to and how that would affect my relationship with them because I am tired of losing friends. As for partners I have never tried but I’ve also come across people who never managed to keep friends, but have found excellent partners, so I no longer think that your ability to keep your friendships going has anything to do with your ability to keep a romantic partner or have a family. Just bringing that last one up as an example and personal observation.

I feel touchstarved a lot too, sometimes, but due to the fact I’ve also grown to dislike being touched without permission, it doesn’t bother me as much as not having someone to hold, myself. It’s like you want to give a hug but not receive it? xD Sth like that. I want to give a lot, but not necessarily receive as I too can’t imagine someone taking care of me, both due to seeing the kind of love most people enjoy (which is unfortunately not my type, but luckily that equals to me not being jealous of anyone unless I see the kind of love I am looking for, which is rare) and also because I don’t feel I deserve it. So envy is super rare for me but I do get that with all of the social media image, most people like me or like you would feel that way. If it helps in any way, try to think that those posting their love life a lot might not be showing you the bad or even real moments of their relationship. I am not saying that everyone who posts about their love all the time are fake, some people can’t stop talking about their partner when in love (been there, just with my feelings not returned), but a big percentage of them are so tell yourself that when you are feeling jealous and specify the kind of love you want and if you’d really like to have that kind of love or just love in general. It won’t solve anything but it might make you feel better.

Anyway, I am sorry I shared some advice too, I am sure you only wished to share your feelings and you already know the things I said, I didn’t say anything revolutionary anyway but please don’t give up. If it makes you feel better, start with friendships. Find people you got as many things as possible in common and try to get involved. As for partners, I don’t know what to say because I gave up on the idea long ago, but I really believe you can find someone, if that is something you want. Will it heal your fear your marriage could go to waste every single moment? No. I have the same fear, I don’t think it ever goes away. But you can always discuss it with your partner when it shows up. Now, if you are a person who dates men, it might get harder to discuss this frequently as I have noticed men find it a bit annoying when you constantly want to discuss your relationship, but if you’re into girls, I think it’s easier. Even if you don’t put yourself in a box and don’t mind such a thing, I consider women and nonbinary people more likely to discuss this often, than men, I don’t know. I guess I have lost faith in men way too much. ^^’> Again, if you wish to give up on the idea, do it, but envy is there for a reason, so I’d suggest you kept trying to find sb you like and if you do, try to be friends with them at first. You might get friendzoned yes, but in my opinion, the percentage of the possibility to be friendzoned is almost the same as that you’d get rejected at the first or one of the first dates with someone. Get to know the person you like, give yourself space to feel comfortable with them and if it is to happen it will happen. If it happens then instead of focusing on the ways everything can ruin it, focus on the ways you can save it. :) Think to yourself “what does my partner like“ and then which of those things are fine for you to do or try to show them your love. If they still leave despite your being giving, understanding etc, then they just weren’t for you. It’s not always your fault. People can be cruel. And those of them who are broken might give up on something they needed because they didn’t think they deserve it, which is why I said focus on the ways you could save it. You don’t have to force yourself though. That’s a big no. You can choose to heal inside a relationship or before getting into one. You could address to a psychologist to learn to control your fear, as well, I personally refuse to do that, but not everyone is me, so you can do as you please.

Either way, I really hope this eventually works out for you and you can always get into a relationship without expecting anything, that way you can get less hurt if it turns sours, but it can be so rewarding when you eventually realize someone is actually giving back. ^^ Give it a chance only when you are sure you can trust a person at least at 10%. Your fears won’t allow you trust them completely and your self-sabotage might get in the way so try that, if you really want to be with someone one day. Get to know them, try to see if you’d trust them and then try to make a move oooor discuss it with them, what kind of person you are looking for I mean. They might like you back if they realize what you are looking for is “similar“ to them. :3 Best of luck to you, dear. As hard as life may be and as hard as it might have hit you, don’t let it win. It’s your life, goddammit, if you want sth go after it even if you’re afraid. Courage has nth to do with being free of fear, it is being able to tell your fears you’re doing this even if you’re shaking. If it is what you want (getting in a romantic and loving relationship), then no one, not your fears, nor social media, nor society, not even God, themselves, if they exist, can tell you you cannot have it.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: [Picture of messy Nancy] Buster: Fuck's sake Buster: Is this gonna be my fault too, like? Rio: Nah Rio: Sure she could make a case but School is stressing her, got that info 'fore we got here so you're good Rio: How's your evening going, like Buster: Being hungover's really gonna help her ace all those classes but whatever Buster: I'll be the boring twin for the night again Rio: It's alright, we got it sorted before we went out Rio: she's helping me get my CV out Buster: Yeah? Buster: Proud of you, babe Rio: Maybe I'll work at the gay club, keep an eye on her Buster: The way she's going, someone needs to Buster: Maybe get off my back mum, you know Rio: She reckons the teachers don't really help her out now, since you know Rio: Idk if I should tell your Ma or if Nance will flip if I do Rio: I've told her to ask the others for help more Buster: We should tell her, she thinks she's failed me so she can claw some good parent points back Buster: But yeah, be careful 'cause Nance might not appreciate it as much as mum will Rio: Why does she think that? Buster: 'Cause I had to tell her how unhappy I was, you know, before Buster: So she'd cut us some slack now Rio: Ahh Rio: Yeah, imagine she wasn't buzzing to hear that Rio: I think Nance was okay but she wants to talk to you Buster: You're not wrong Buster: Well, I'll await the drunk texts then Buster: Always fun Rio: Yeah, leave it 'til she's sobered up and make her accountable, like Buster: Yeah Buster: So how drunk are you? Rio: Not even! Rio: How rude Rio: professional Buster: Just checking Rio: 😒 Rio: No faith, honestly Buster: Nance drives the best of us to join her drinking, that's all Rio: I mean, not being a nun about it Buster: Good to know Rio: Idk if I fuck with the vibe of this one anyway Rio: not to be a fussy bitch about it but you know Buster: You're a know-it-all that's your vibe, gotta trust it Buster: You'll find somewhere else Rio: Not that I can convince her to move on just yet Buster: It's like that then Buster: I see Rio: You know Rio: suppose I could leave her to it and pick her up like the 👵 I've become Buster: Ma life Buster: It don't sound like she'd mind though, so do what you want, babe Rio: 🙄 Rio: I'm bored Buster: Me too Buster: It's shit Rio: What are you doing Buster: I got talked into going to the literal worst house party I've ever been at Buster: I'm just gonna leave Rio: Ahh fun times Rio: People stop having house parties when you're out of school, which is weird because it's your house now like, you can do what you want Rio: is there not even decent booze to steal? poor boy Buster: 'Cause they're always shit and not worth the damage cunts are trying to cause to ease their boredom Buster: Nah, not even, I've got better at home, cheers Rio: True Rio: the shit Indie and her mates have wrecked Rio: and that's just 'cos they're clumsy stoners, like Rio: but we sound 100 this is ridiculous Buster: 😒 Buster: Is this what happens when you put a ring on it 'cause sorry, like Rio: Ugh, don't Rio: and we're getting carried away Rio: Gracie is sending me dress options and your sister basically wants her fee now, like Buster: Fuck that Buster: Forget carried away I'm about to run away from all their bullshit Rio: Yeah well take me with Rio: I'm the one fielding most of their bullshit IRL Buster: I'm sorry, babe Rio: It's alright Rio: They're just compensating for how weird it makes 'em feel but Rio: already over it Buster: At the start of this convo I was gonna say I wanna come home but Rio: Baby Rio: I miss it just being us Buster: I wish we could go somewhere else Buster: Fucking school Rio: I know Rio: least when exams start you do most at home right and just go in for the actual tests Buster: Giving me more time to miss you, like Rio: Nah, I mean Rio: we can work with that Rio: you can come here or I'll go there whatever Rio: I just need to get this flat situation sorted for Inds, she's staying 'round the house but it's not ideal Rio: especially when Eds comes back Buster: I can get a flat for you Buster: Probably not Drew's but a better one maybe Buster: Until then could you two not stay in the one over the pub? Rio: I don't actually know Rio: but I should ask Rio: I know the last student they had in there graduated but that was a while back now Buster: Hit up Granddad he'll never say no to you Rio: Worth a shot Rio: Got any other good ideas whilst we're here, babe? Buster: Always Buster: Get a drink first Buster: Catch up to me Rio: Long Island it is Rio: gotcha Buster: At least you ain't in Chelsea, could run through all your funds with a tab like that Buster: A tiny silver lining for you Rio: Is it? Rio: not even gonna buy me a drink now, okay 😜 Buster: I reckon that was another thing going in the vows Buster: 'Cause you hate it when I buy you shit Rio: Yeah I mean, exceptions to the rule though Rio: not trying to bankrupt myself Buster: I love you Rio: Love you idiot Buster: Cheers for looking so good it keeps me on your socials instead of my sister's Buster: That's another reason, like Rio: Yeah? Rio: Good to know you're still interested, like Buster: Good to know that my absence doesn't make you into a car crash, you know Buster: Save that for her Rio: Little harsh Rio: but don't think you need to take responsibility for it either Buster: Don't worry I wasn't Buster: I didn't break her heart like that Rio: Reality always gonna take that shot Buster: Anyway, bit rich to call me harsh when I bet she was saying worse about me Rio: You wanna know or? Rio: Should probably let you tell you herself Buster: I'm sure I'll hear it all firsthand tonight with no filter Rio: It wasn't that bad Rio: I just put her right on some things Buster: You're cute Buster: Defending my honor Rio: You're not mad? Buster: Why would I be? Rio: idk Rio: 'cos I'm emasculating you or some shit Buster: Shut up Buster: I like that you wanna speak up for me Rio: I'm glad you aren't mad Buster: It's hot, babe Buster: You are Rio: Shh Buster: Never Rio: I miss you Buster: I know Buster: I want you here Rio: I wish I was Buster: Me too Buster: I'd even rather be there and deal with the bullshit than be here without you Rio: Yeah? Rio: At least you can come when this kid finally shows Buster: Thank fuck Buster: Even my mum couldn't fault me there Rio: Be in the shit if you didn't put in an appearance Buster: Yeah, Ro loves me so much you can't dull the shine, babe Buster: I'm the fave Rio: Charming Rio: Only 'cos you're such a 🤓 Buster: You love it too Buster: Win, win Rio: 😒 Rio: Oh yeah, we'll bond over that Buster: 'Course Buster: You're welcome Rio: Truly who I want as my new BFF Rio: not got that old and boring, tah Buster: Glad to hear it Buster: As shit as it is to miss you I don't want you to change so I don't, like Rio: 😏 Yeah trapped now dickhead Buster: Charming Rio: 😂 you didn't wanna change me, like Buster: Yeah yeah Rio: Basically in the vows, soz Buster: It's fine, I'll write my own Rio: Uhmmm Rio: Slightly concerning Buster: Rude Rio: You want your ego stroked go to your Auntie babe Buster: I reckon she's a bit busy right now but I'll bear it in mind Rio: Is she tho Rio: we all waiting Buster: Always on the verge of that breakdown, takes time and a toll Rio: Oh my God Rio: speak of the devil, that was freaky Buster: What? Buster: Rio? Buster: Why am I talking to myself? What the fuck? Buster: Babe Buster: Come on Buster: You're freaking me out now Rio: Sorry, sorry Rio: That was a whole thing Rio: Drew was here Rio: first time I've seen him since, first time anyone has but Indie, like Buster: Are you okay? Rio: Yeah, I mean Rio: he was gross as ever but what's new Buster: What did he do? Rio: Nothing, like Rio: he's just always got chat ain't he Rio: though no one asked him Buster: Alright then what did he say? Rio: You're not going to be happy but she didn't hear him, like he wasn't saying it to her Rio: just some shit about being able to turn her, every straight boy ever Buster: Are you sure she didn't hear it Rio: Pretty sure, she was chatting to some girl at the time, like Rio: distracted anyway when he saw the ring Rio: that was fun Buster: Do you wanna go home? Buster: Nance will understand Rio: Fuck that Rio: Only here dealing anyway he's had to go off now, like Buster: Good Rio: How has he still not changed, like at all Rio: he didn't even ask about Indie Rio: or Ro or the baby or any of it Buster: He's a cunt Buster: He don't wanna change Buster: Or deal with any of it Buster: There's only one type of dealing he knows how to do, like Rio: Christ Rio: it almost makes you feel sorry for him Rio: what's it gonna take, man Buster: Maybe on his death bed when no fucker cares he'll have an epiphany Buster: I doubt the next stint in prison will do anything Buster: Are you gonna tell Indie you saw him? Rio: What's the point Rio: Poor bitch Rio: she don't need to know Buster: Yeah Buster: You're right Rio: It ain't giving her any false hope by not she still hates him Rio: but I don't need to drive home a point she already knows too well, like Buster: It's so fucked Rio: Yep Rio: and I'm the one feeling like the fucked up one Rio: thanks, Drew Buster: Fuck that Buster: Don't Rio: I'm trying Buster: I know, baby Buster: I'm sorry Rio: Not your fault Buster: But you shouldn't have to handle this on your own all the time Buster: I should be there Rio: It's nothing I can't handle Buster: Still Buster: I wanna handle him for you, the cunt Rio: So cute Buster: I'll find him when I'm back it won't be hard to do Rio: No you won't Rio: you'll be too busy Buster: Promises, promises Rio: You know you will, golden boy Buster: Fuck off Rio: Rude Buster: It ain't my fault you're not selling this Buster: Do you want me back or do you want me to run in the other direction from everyone else, like Rio: Sorry Rio: I'm being a bitch Buster: Don't say sorry Buster: Talk to me properly Rio: I don't know, I just feel gross Buster: Are you sure you don't wanna leave? Rio: I just want to be with you Buster: I know Buster: If you can get somewhere you can hear me, I'll call you Rio: Alright Rio: I feel like a party pooper Buster: Don't Buster: I wouldn't be faring any better if I saw that cunt out and about Buster: You know I wouldn't Rio: It's so stupid Rio: why do I even care Buster: It's not stupid Buster: He gets under your skin, he's always been good at it, with everyone Rio: Yeah Rio: Gotta be good at something right Buster: Exactly Buster: You know you'd tell me he ain't worth it, babe Rio: Yeah but what do I know Buster: Please Buster: You're a know-it-all and I love it Rio: Don't take the piss babe Buster: I ain't Rio: I have no idea what I'm doing Buster: Who the fuck does? Rio: At least you all have plans Buster: We have plans together, don't we? Rio: Yeah but I can't just piggyback off yours can I Buster: You won't be Buster: You can do anything you want Buster: When you decide what that is Rio: This is exhausting Rio: I should've finished School Buster: Shit that's worth having doesn't come easy, babe Buster: and you still can, if you want Rio: Well it'd be nice if it did Rio: just for a change, like Buster: You're telling me Rio: Fuck it Rio: I'm going somewhere else Buster: With Nance or without? Rio: She's busy Rio: I'll give her my location if she cares, like Buster: You can't say fairer than that Buster: Or do more, like Rio: Yeah Rio: she don't need a babysitter Rio: and not the job I'm after Buster: Where are you going? Rio: Not decided Rio: see where I end up Buster: Just try not to end up where he is again Buster: That's all I'm thinking Rio: Wow Rio: like I'm that stupid Buster: Calm down Rio: Nah you know what, I'll go back find him, see if he wanna get high again Rio: for fuck's sake Buster: How about you leave your attitude in this club and walk out Buster: Jesus Rio: Fuck off Buster: Don't take this out on me Rio: Go away then Buster: You're an idiot Buster: No Rio: I know, you've made it abundantly clear you think so Buster: Bullshit Rio: Whatever Rio: I don't wanna talk Buster: Stop doing this Rio: What Rio: Doing what Buster: Shutting me out Buster: It's shit that you couldn't keep avoiding Drew, fuck knows I wish you could, but how is giving me the silent treatment gonna help? Rio: Look, it ain't personal Rio: I don't want to think anymore Rio: I'm just gonna go get fucked up Buster: Fuck you Buster: It is personal 'cause I love you Rio: I know you do Buster: Just talk to me Buster: Let it go that way Rio: I've got nothing good to say Rio: everything is just Rio: not even shit Rio: just mind-numbingly meh Rio: I'm back in my childhood bedroom, for fuck's sake Buster: So do something about it Buster: That isn't getting fucked up Rio: I fucking am Rio: but I'm pissed off because I sank so much money into making his place decent and he's probably trashed it already Buster: Let's get it back then Buster: Or somewhere better Rio: How Rio: Ask him nice Rio: it's not like it's his Rio: it's done now but it just makes me realise how much time I've wasted Buster: It's not a waste Buster: You did it to help Indie Rio: Yeah well Buster: Yeah well nothing Buster: We'll figure this out Rio: You're being disgustingly optimistic, you knos Buster: Shut up Buster: Let me help you Rio: I'm just being dramatic Rio: must be catching Buster: Hilarious Buster: I've texted Granddad as soon as he texts me back I'll let you know Rio: Why have you done that Buster: To see if the flat's free, obviously Rio: I could've done that myself Buster: It's done Buster: If you want something to do make me a list of anything you actually want from Drew's so I can go get it when I'm back home Buster: I know they only got your bedroom shit, I remember you saying Rio: Why are you even bothering right now Rio: I've been nothing but a dick to you all night, never mind being useless with it Buster: Do you actually need me to answer that? Buster: Come on, Rio Rio: I'm sorry Rio: I'll do better Buster: Don't Buster: I don't want it or need it Buster: And you're allowed to have a bad night, especially after seeing him again Rio: What do you want or need Rio: salvage this night from being a total write-off, like Buster: You Buster: That's all Rio: You've got me Rio: I'm here now, honest Buster: Yeah? Buster: Good Rio: [Selfie] Rio: See? Buster: You look so fucking good Buster: I see that Rio: Send me one back Rio: I miss your face Buster: [selfie] Buster: Feel better? Rio: 😊 Yes Rio: You're so pretty Buster: You and me both, babe Buster: God, I miss you so much Rio: I miss you more Rio: defending you just made me realize how much I actually love you Buster: Well good, 'cause it'd be a bit awkward if you didn't at this point Rio: Shh I'm being sincere Buster: Carry on Rio: 😏 Rio: I don't know, think the moment's gone Buster: [Sends more pics] Buster: Are you sure? Rio: Fuck Rio: you are oh-so convincing, aren't you? 🤤😻 Buster: You tell me Rio: You are Rio: you really fucking are Buster: That definitely felt sincere Rio: I'm more than down to prove it to you, babe Buster: Yeah? Rio: [Bathroom nudes] Rio: Believe me now? Buster: Fuck Buster: Okay I believe you Rio: Good Rio: I love you so much Buster, don't forget Buster: I won't Buster: You know I can't Rio: Don't ever wish you could Buster: Never, baby Buster: You're so fucking perfect I have to keep you forever Rio: Please Rio: that's all I want Buster: You're all I want Buster: And I want you so much Rio: How much Buster: I heard your name in class, meaning the place, obviously, but I was so distracted I literally heard nothing else all lesson Buster: If I could have gotten away with touching myself at my desk I would've Rio: Baby Rio: I get you in so much trouble, don't I? Buster: I get myself in trouble Buster: You're an angel Rio: No, you're a good boy Rio: you didn't touch yourself once/ Buster: I wanted to but I didn't trust myself to stop if I did Rio: Just because you heard my name Rio: what did it make you think of? Buster: I couldn't stop thinking about how much you like hearing me say it Buster: That's how it started at least Rio: I do Rio: It sounds better when you say it Buster: You say my name like you're tasting it and me Buster: I think I'd do anything if you said it in a certain way, like Rio: I wish Rio: I know you would Rio: but I'm never gonna ask you to do anything you don't wanna do, trust me Buster: There's nothing you could ask me for that I wouldn't wanna give you Rio: Interesting Rio: I'm going to have A LOT of fun testing that Buster: Me too Rio: Now I'm distracted Buster: I'd say sorry but since you left I've woken myself up 'cause of dreaming about you so many times that I'm actually not Rio: No fair Rio: you know that's my favourite Rio: I'd help you get back to sleep, your dreams would be so sweet, like Buster: The other night I had to watch a video of you begging me to cum to make me so I could go back to sleep Rio: Fuck Rio: I love making you cum Rio: it's my favourite thing to do Buster: If I don't get to really see you soon I'm gonna go insane Buster: It's so much harder than before Rio: I know Rio: I can feel you touching me and holding me and kissing me all the time but it's never enough it's the worst kind of teasing Buster: Yeah same Rio: You'll be here soon Rio: and you only have to be a little bit social Rio: I can keep you the rest of the time Buster: I don't care if none of the others get to see my face Buster: I just want you Rio: Motivation to get a place, we can be as loud as we need Rio: 'cos I need to tell you how much I've missed you over and over Rio: and over, like Buster: I really fucking need that Rio: I know baby Buster: Whether the pub flat is occupied or not, I'll find you somewhere perfect, babe Rio: I love you Buster: I love you Buster: Everything's gonna be okay Rio: Yeah? Buster: I promise Buster: Whatever we have do to make it happen Rio: Okay Rio: I believe you Buster: Good Buster: 'Cause you know I mean it Rio: You're so nice Buster: Shh Rio: You know you are Rio: I wish everyone else knew it too Buster: It's for you Buster: I don't care what anyone else thinks about me Buster: Unless you wanna tell 'em Buster: 'Cause like I said, that's hot Rio: You're silly Rio: What's so special about me Buster: I'm gonna have to work harder if you're still asking that question Rio: I wouldn't say no to you working me out right now Buster: I'm not gonna say no to that Buster: Where are you? Rio: Different club, same shit Rio: Where do you want me to be? Buster: You can stay there, we can make it work Buster: Tell me how you want me, you've had a shit night, you deserve everything you want Rio: 👑 right? Buster: You know it, baby Rio: Hmm, there's just so many ways I want you Rio: It's hard to choose Buster: Public or private? Start there Rio: If I don't get to be alone with you I want you public Buster: I like the way you think Rio: As if seeing him wasn't bad enough, every boy out here tryna prove how much they aren't you Buster: Forget them Buster: I'm right here Rio: I want to Rio: Make me Buster: [sends a video] Rio: Daddy Rio: How do you get me like this so easy Buster: 'Cause you're mine Rio: Yes Rio: Say it again Buster: You're all mine Buster: Forever Rio: Fuck Rio: I can't wait 'til you're here Rio: and we can be together all the time Buster: Me either Buster: It's the only thing keeping me sane here right now Rio: Everything is gonna be so good and so right Rio: I promise Buster: I know Rio: Not to mention you can fuck me everyday 😋 Buster: All day Rio: Well Rio: Might have to do some work baby Buster: Shh Rio: 😏 Okay Rio: all day every day Rio: I'm going to make you cum more than you've cum in your whole life Buster: I can't wait for you to prove that Rio: You won't need a video no more Rio: I'll be begging for your cum at your feet baby Buster: Jesus Rio: I want it so bad, it's all for me, isn't it daddy? Buster: You can have everything Buster: Anything Rio joined the chat 10 hours ago Rio: All I really want is you Rio: that's just how it is Rio: I wanna live good with you Buster: That's easy Rio: For you, 'cos you're the best Rio: no one has ever been this good to me Buster: It's a good thing you said yes to marrying me then Buster: 'Cause I always will so you don't need to worry about anyone else anymore Rio: I guess so Rio: How did they expect me to say no? Buster: My mum thinks I'm too young to know what I want Buster: Both hypocritical and hilarious Rio: Just one of those parental things they feel they have to say, probably Rio: when they don't know what they actually reckon Buster: Yeah Buster: Nobody in this family can just let there be a silence about anything Rio: Yeah, unless it's about Drew Buster: Literally Buster: It pisses me off,  I have to be held accountable for everything when I'm not doing anything wrong but he can do whatever he fucking likes Rio: It's a joke Rio: not even a good one Rio: I don't know why Grandad didn't fuck him up ages ago, he's far from being a kid now Buster: 'Cause he's the kind of petty cunt who'd take you down for making him look a mug Buster: Granddad's got too much to lose Rio: Yeah Rio: I know you're right Rio: I wish someone would though, Christ Buster: You should've let me Rio: What, like you've got nothing to lose? Rio: You got to break his nose, more than I did, like Buster: You could too, or worse Buster: I won't stop you, I'll help you Rio: You're funny Rio: but nah, that ain't how it goes down Rio: I just freeze Rio: I don't know why, him, Ryan, always happens Buster: Baby Rio: Don't be sad Rio: Like you said, I don't have to worry about anyone else anymore Rio: especially not them Buster: I just hate that all that shit happened to you Rio: I know Rio: I feel the same about the things that have happened to you Buster: I should have got my shit together and told you I loved you sooner Buster: I'm sorry Rio: Maybe it would've fucked shit up, who knows Buster: Okay yeah Buster: I'll take that Buster: I was a twat Rio: Awh baby 😂 Rio: I mean yeah Rio: we were all on our bullshit, just the age, idk how both our parents stayed so about each other Buster: They were both as bad as each other Buster: You were above me Rio: Please Buster: Come on Buster: Deny it Buster: You can't Rio: How good could I be Rio: I was such a hot mess, letting boys like that treat me like shit, like Buster: Shut up Buster: That wasn't your fault Rio: No one made me go out with wasteman Rio: I can own it Buster: It's not like you signed up for it Buster: You weren't there like let me find the shittest fucking prick in the 24 to get with Rio: Obviously I didn't know everything, I mean, I still thought he was alright, just a bit of a lad Rio: but there were plenty of warning signs I was happy to ignore like an idiot Rio: all his 'crazy' exes, for a start Buster: As someone who literally has a crazy 'ex' if we can give Chlo that much credit, it's not always that simple, babe Buster: You wanna see the good in people, don't let him think that's a mistake just 'cause he used it wrong Buster: make you* Rio: It's such a fucking catch 22 Rio: he knows how to play it, give him that Rio: 'cos now if I try to warn his next, I'm just one of those crazies who's actually obsessed with him, prick Buster: Yeah Buster: It'd be impressive if it wasn't so fucked Rio: You've got better game Rio: More fun Buster: Cheers, babe Buster: I'd fucking hope so, like Rio: Not high praise, fair Rio: but you already know you're the best I've ever had baby Buster: Tell me again though Buster: I love hearing it Rio: No other boy knows me like you Rio: so no other boy can turn me on like you because it's you, everything you do is my fetish, my fantasy, you're so Rio: Jesus, I need you Buster: You know no other girl knows me, yeah? End of story Buster: You're the only one Rio: So lucky Rio: seriously Rio: I'm so glad I know you, Buster Buster: I'm glad you wanna know me Rio: Of course I do Rio: I always have Rio: Why wouldn't I? Buster: I haven't really sold it before now, like Buster: Nobody else is trying that hard for a reason Rio: You were never as bad as you're saying, or think Rio: I want you to know that, no bias Buster: Shh Rio: I mean it Rio: You were just a kid Rio: it's ridiculous to judge yourself by those old standards, never mind anyone else still doing it Buster: I know what I was Buster: I can own it Rio: I'm just saying Rio: Maybe it's time to let it go Buster: Stop being right all the time Buster: So annoying Rio: You love it Buster: I love you Rio: I love you Rio: I'm gonna look after you Buster: I wish you were here with me now Rio: Me too Rio: My poor baby Rio: You need to destress Buster: We both do Rio: We're going away as soon as we can Rio: Somewhere hot and far away and it'll just be us Buster: That's all I want for us, babe Rio: First, gotta flex your brain and get those A*s Buster: On it Buster: I've been getting decent feedback in spite of the rest of this bullshit going on Buster: It'll be easy Rio: I know, you work so hard Rio: I'm proud of you Buster: I'm proud of you too Rio: I'm not doing anything to be proud of right now but I'm gonna make you Buster: Bullshit Buster: I see you working hard, baby Buster: You've even been helping Nance do hers Rio: Anyone else would do the same Buster: Nah Buster: You're an angel and you know it Rio: Baby Rio: you make me melt Buster: Prove it Rio: Ah, so daddy wants to see how hot he's got his baby girl, yeah? Rio: Hold on, can't upskirt myself here and now for you in this outfit, sadly Buster: That's what happens when you go out with my sister Buster: Priorities, babe Rio: I'm sorry 😔 Rio: I didn't know how badly I'd need easy access without you here but I should've known you'd have be needing to touch myself Buster: Lesson learned Rio: I don't know, I still think I'll need you to really show me when you're here Rio: [Snaps] See? Such a big wet patch, so messy Buster: Christ Rio: I know Rio: You see how much I need you, daddy? Buster: I'm this close to getting on a flight so I can fulfill that need for you that's all I know Rio: Such a good daddy Rio: loves his baby so much Rio: but you can take care of me from there, that's how trained you've got me Buster: If you keep talking like this I'm not sure I'll be able to do anything Buster: You're so fucking hot Rio: That's okay, I can do it Rio: I'm a big girl, let baby do all the hardwork and you just lie back and enjoy the show Buster: How do you not know that you're perfect? Rio: I know you think I am Rio: and that makes me so happy Buster: I don't think it, I know it Rio: Every time you say that, it makes me tighter Rio: I wish it was your cock inside me instead of my fingers so you could feel how good I feel Buster: Soon baby Rio: I know Rio: I try to be patient but you know I'm bad at taking my time when you're not telling me to Buster: It's okay, I feel it too Buster: I just fucking need you Rio: You've got me Rio: I'm fucking myself for you so hard Buster: Yeah you are Buster: You're gonna cum for me so hard too Rio: Is that what you want, daddy? You want me to make an even bigger mess for you?  I'm so fucking needy and helpless right now, your baby girl is whimpering your name, anyone can come in hear how fucking much you own her Buster: It's exactly what I want Rio: Good, I wanna be your good girl, I wanna make you as happy as you make me Rio: and I feel like I'm gonna squirt, so it's going to be loud and messy in here Buster: Fuck Buster: I wanna see you so badly Buster: You look so fucking beautiful like this Rio: I'm recording for you best I can Rio: so you can enjoy it whenever you miss me Buster: Oh god Buster: The sound I just made then Buster: I've never been happier about the layout of this house 'cause I swear if you turn me on anymore I could still wake my dad up Rio: I can't be sorry Rio: the way you moan could make me cum by itself Buster: I'll record it for you 'cause I know even with all the others you have of me you can't get enough Rio: I can't, I wanna hear every time I get you off Rio: it's only right Rio: You're moaning my name, fucking yourself to the thought of me and my body Buster: Every word you say gets me closer, I can't get over it Buster: You're so Buster: I don't even have any words, like Rio: I don't wanna waste a single one Rio: if I'm not telling you how good you are and how good you make me feel, what's the point? Buster: You're too good Rio: It's all for you Rio: No one else Buster: Good, I need it all Rio: My whole body is yours, daddy Rio: nah, all of me, heart, soul, whatever the fuck else, me, I'm for you Buster: Rio Buster: I don't know how this happened but I'm so fucking glad it did Rio: Me either Rio: it just did Rio: but it feels right, like it's how it was always meant to be Buster: It does Buster: I don't have any fucking clue how I ever got this far without you Rio: I know Rio: I barely function without you now and it's like Rio: I hadn't seen you properly for so long before, then there was so much waiting and wanting before anything even happened Buster: Yeah Buster: Stay with me, okay Buster: No matter what Rio: Of course Rio: I need to Buster: I love you Rio: I love you so much Buster Buster: Say my name again Rio: Buster Rio: My Buster Buster: Every time I reckon I can't moan any louder you do something to prove me wrong Rio: Good, be loud with me Buster: For you Rio: You're such a good boy Rio: know just what to say to make me go harder Rio: deeper Buster: I need you to cum Buster: Do it for me Rio: Yes, keep going Rio: Tell me what to do, I'm so fucking close Buster: Stop being a tease and go harder Rio: Oh God Buster: You know how you want it Rio: I do, I want it to be so good it hurts Rio: I love it when I make you lose control like that and you fuck me like the whore I am Buster: I need you to feel it tomorrow when you're back home celebrating with the fam Buster: Don't forget about me Rio: Baby that's so fucked up Rio: I fucking love it Buster: Do it then Rio: Yes sir Rio: I'm not as good as you but I'm really trying Buster: You're so good baby Buster: Don't stop trying Rio: Can I leave bruises Rio: as I'm pretending to be you Buster: If you can Buster: I want you to Rio: I don't know how I haven't been kicked out Rio: I'm nearly screaming Buster: Maybe they're all enjoying it too Rio: I like that, Jesus Buster: Or maybe they know you couldn't stop even if they tried to make you Rio: Seriously Rio: There's no way I can now Buster: Don't Buster: Finish what you started Rio: I promise Rio: I'm not going to do you like that daddy, I know you need your baby to cum so you can too Buster: Please Rio: You've earnt it Rio: If you were here I would reward you with letting you cum wherever you want Rio: before letting you clean mine up, of course Buster: Oh fuck Rio: Where do you wanna cum, daddy? Buster: You know how good your tits look tonight dressed like that Buster: Easy decision Rio: Mmm, I like that one too Rio: means I can look you in the eyes when I lick up every drop Buster: Baby Rio: Yes daddy? Buster: You've got me so desperate Rio: Is your cock leaking precum for me? Buster: Jesus, I'm so close right now Rio: Please cum for me, I want it so badly Rio: I'll do anything to make you cum, daddy, anything Buster: I'm making so much noise for you Buster: I just wanna cum Rio: Let go, baby Rio: I bet your Dad has already heard you Rio: it's okay Buster: I bet half the street has heard me by now Buster: Lose control with me Rio: Fuck Buster: You make me feel so good Rio: You're my favourite person Buster: You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Rio Rio: Marry me Buster: You're gonna be the best wife Rio: Yeah? Buster: Seriously Buster: I can't wait until you are Rio: Baby Buster: I can't believe you want that as much as I do Rio: Really bad Rio: to be honest, the way everyone's gone on made me wanna do it now just to piss them off Buster: I'll marry you now Rio: I know Rio: but fuck doing it for anyone but us really Buster: I know you're right Buster: Again Rio: We'll do it whenever we want though Buster: 'Course Buster: You're the only one who gets to tell me what to do, babe Rio: I'm not gonna spring a wedding on you though Rio: even if I want your name Buster: You do? Rio: Of course Rio: You know I do Buster: That's so hot Rio: Yeah? Buster: Yeah Buster: Fuck it, let's get married now Rio: You're so cute Buster: You are Rio: I want to show you off though Rio: don't reckon our turn-out would be all that hot right now Buster: We can have more than one Buster: Your parents did Rio: Well, their first didn't count but Buster: Still Buster: I'll marry you every year if you want Rio: You're killing me Rio: and making it sound like a good idea Buster: We have to do something for our anniversary, yeah? Why not, like? Buster: You can have a different dress for every one, that'd kill me Rio: and bankrupt you 😏 Buster: You wish, babe Buster: I'm gonna be a rich hot shot lawyer soon Rio: Yeah, I think I wish that more, babe Rio: 😻 Buster: So will you? Rio: Are you asking me to marry you again? Buster: Marry me now and then marry me again Rio: Can we? Buster: I want to, so if you want to Buster: Don't say yeah just 'cause I'm an impatient prick though Rio: I want to Buster: Just me and you? Rio: Yeah Buster: Where do you wanna go? I'll take you anywhere in the world Rio: I'll start looking Rio: This summer is going to be perfect Buster: It will Rio: I love you so much Buster Rio: I don't know how to say it in a way that explains how much anymore Buster: I know Buster: I feel the same about you Buster: And I always will Rio: I miss you Buster: I miss you too Buster: I'm sleepy and I want you here Rio: Baby Rio: if you can stay up a little bit longer, I'll facetime you when I get home Buster: Alright Rio: Nance already left off for home apparently so I've just gotta get a cab myself now so I won't be long Buster: I'm not gonna ask if she's alone, I don't wanna know Rio: I didn't ask for specifics Buster: If she tells you, don't tell me, like Rio: 🤐 Rio: 'Course Buster: I'm worried about her Buster: Don't tell her I said that either, obviously Rio: I'm not stupid, or that much of a blabbermouth Rio: You are? Buster: Like, okay worried might be a strong word but Buster: Going out, drinking, hooking up that isn't her, that's me Rio: I know what you mean Rio: but I think it's a case of, look where being me got me Rio: she's just trying things out, she's still her, she's sensible enough not to get too lost in it Buster: I don't want her to have more regrets just 'cause she reckons with all the shit that happened she has to be someone else Buster: I don't know Buster: Maybe I'm the stupid one, yeah? Rio: No, no Rio: It makes sense, I'm worried too but Rio: I don't think there's anything you can do, or any of us Rio: it's something she's gotta do, you know? Buster: Yeah Buster: At least she can't get pregnant Buster: Thank fuck for that Rio: I know Rio: The gays truly have that working in their favour Buster: And Indie's single now, right? Buster: I like our odds at keeping everyone out of too much shit Rio: Yeah Rio: Thank fuck again Rio: Bless 'em Rio: Heartbreak's a bitch Buster: Do I need to add him to my list of people to sort when I'm back home? Buster: 'Cause you know I will Rio: Stop being so hot Buster: If it matters to you then it matters to me Buster: We're a team, babe Rio: You're so daddy rn Rio: but seriously Rio: he's just a stupid kid, like a cunt but he didn't really do anything wrong you know Rio: it just weren't what she thought it would be Buster: Been there Buster: Not that I was ever leading girls on but you know Rio: It happens Buster: And sometimes being as honest as you've gotta fucks them over still Rio: Yeah, that's what I don't wanna ask her Rio: Sometimes you just want a thing a certain way, he might not have been selling it as that ever, idk Rio: like Nance really thinking her teach might be into it Buster: Yeah Buster: And my mum thinking I'm gonna wake up and realize I'm just not that into you Rio: Gotta get you worked up when she's in, clearly Rio: then she'd get it Buster: Probably not a good idea Buster: But I wouldn't be mad about it personally Rio: 😏 Buster: She's just obsessed with uni that's all Buster: Not like she can put pressure on Nance to go to Havard or Oxford or wherever so Rio: I'd get it more if I was stopping you from going, like Rio: show me where I said that Rio: I wouldn't Buster: She's losing her mind that I'm going to Trinity 'cause its not top for Law Buster: I've never cared about that Buster: I can succeed anywhere Buster: You're not the only 'distraction' she wants me to walk away from Chlo's kid too even if its also mine Buster: That's just how it is with her Rio: She knows it ain't that easy Rio: No offence but you wouldn't be here if it was that cut and dry Buster: Everything was a fight for her, it's easy for me so I have to do even better than she did Buster: Dad too Buster: Not make their 'mistakes' Rio: Damn Rio: does she realise how cold that sounds or? Buster: Have you met her? Buster: Babe she is cold Rio: Yeah but to say that to your face Rio: Jesus Buster: Maybe you don't get to go through all the shit she did and stay warm Buster: Or maybe that's just how she had to be to handle it, I don't know Rio: Probably Rio: I'm not trying to talk shit on her Rio: I just care about you too Buster: I know how it sounds, but it's not personal, she'd be like this if it was any other girl too Rio: Yeah Rio: I know Buster: And like it or not, I'm her only living son so Buster: I'll thrive under the pressure like always Rio: I know you will baby Rio: but you're allowed to not be perfect when you're with me, you know that, yeah? Buster: Please, you know I am perfect Rio: Yeah Rio: even if you weren't, I'd still stay Buster: You're gonna make me cry Buster: Behave Rio: That's allowed too, like Buster: Shh Buster: You're so nice to me Buster: And so cute Rio: Because you're nice Buster: It's so weird sometimes Buster: Remember when we weren't Rio: I know Rio: even then though, I knew you weren't as bad as you were fronting Rio: 'cos know-it-all first and foremost Buster: 'Course Buster: You had me all figured out, didn't you, babe? Rio: What, you think you were such an enigma? 😉 Buster: Well, yeah Rio: Awh baby Rio: shoulda left you living that fantasy Buster: Nah Buster: I prefer this one we're in Rio: Got to agree Buster: Good Rio: Town is so busy tonight, only just got a cab Buster: Do I need to get a coffee, like? Rio: You can go to sleep baby Rio: don't stay up on my behalf Buster: I'm just playing Buster: It's okay Rio: Hate to be distracting, you know Buster: Obviously Buster: I'm always saying that about you Rio: So you should be Rio: Very serious about your education Rio: who taught you how to kiss, like Buster: Damn I should have led with that argument when I was chatting to mum Rio: Missed a trick Rio: Keep it PG though, she ain't need to know everything I taught you Buster: Not with my competitive streak 'cause I'd have to let her know I've taught you just as much Buster: A very unnecessary convo Rio: Truly Rio: but I'm enjoying reminiscing very much Buster: I'm glad I kissed you that day finally Buster: I'd wanted to for ages before it Rio: Good thing you got dared to then so you couldn't bottle it Rio: I can't even remember who dared you now Buster: That annoying fucker who was always hanging around us Buster: What the hell was his name even? Rio: Oh I know who you mean Buster: He so reckoned I wouldn't do it Buster: He only dared me 'cause he was too scared to tell you that he liked you himself Rio: Awh Rio: he was probably gutted Buster: An irresistible heartbreaker even then, babe Buster: I know he was gutted 'cause he stopped hanging around, remember? Rio: Now I feel bad Rio: Would track him down but like, not got good news for you lad Buster: What so you'd have rather kissed him? Buster: Rude Rio: Obviously not Rio: could be the one that got away though Buster: 😒 Buster: If you wanna go marry him, like Rio: I'm tryna facebook him but I really can't remember his name at all Rio: I keep thinking J something but maybe that's just 'cos he was a twat too like a certain someone Buster: We all called him that same nickname but I can't even remember that Buster: Unlucky for you Rio: I'm gutted, like Rio: You cockblocking me forever Buster: You will only go to gay club lately Buster: Can't blame me for that Rio: Yeah, know you wouldn't stand in the way of that, babe Buster: I'm considerate like that Rio: You're a pervert like that Rio: it's okay, save you from the male gaze rant/your sister Buster: Cheers Buster: I've already had some drunk texts from her Rio: Maybe she did go home alone after-all Rio: anything worth hearing? Buster: They're hard to read Buster: I honestly don't know how that girl understood enough to wanna hit her up way back when Rio: Not gonna go there, you'll only get grumpy Buster: What is that meant to mean? Rio: There's plenty of ways to get wanna fuck understood, like Rio: ☛👌 Buster: It's Nance I don't reckon she went about it like that Rio: You reckon she sent her a poem Rio: She didn't even like her, like Buster: Shut up Buster: She's so awkward she can't even order her own coffee if we go out to breakfast Rio: Yeah, not drunk Nance though Buster: I'll take your word for that 'cause all I've seen her do then is wanna fight me Rio: You know Buster: Did she even fuck that girl though? Like you're saying she could've all but sent her nudes but like Rio: Apparently so Buster: She told you that or are you using your skills? Rio: Yeah, she told me Buster: Alright Rio: I didn't ask if that was her first time but sad if it was because she wasn't into it Buster: It would've been I know that much about her life, like Rio: Oh, that's shit Buster: Like I said, I'm worried Buster: But she ain't gonna talk about this to me Rio: I can try again Buster: I don't know Buster: Like you said, it's sad Buster: Do we wanna go there? Rio: Yeah, she might not want to Rio: I'll keep an eye best I can and be there how she wants but you know Buster: Yeah Rio: I'm sorry I didn't clock it Rio: I should've Buster: Don't Buster: You don't need to blame yourself for anything Buster: We don't even know the full story anyway, like Rio: Yeah Buster: Talk to her if it'll put your mind at ease Rio: I'm alright, just Rio: No one ever has a good time, you know Buster: Yeah Buster: Are we all cursed in this fam or what? Rio: I think it's weirdly standard, I don't know why Rio: impatience strikes again, probably Buster: True Buster: I know it did for me Buster: I had a good time until she dumped me after though Rio: Yeah Rio: Bit like Indie Rio: It's not the worst, I guess Buster: Had Indie not been with lads before him? Buster: I thought she had Rio: Not all the way Buster: I just assumed, I guess Buster: She's always got them around her, like Rio: Nah, those are just her mates Buster: Makes sense Rio: Yeah, she's not really one for other girl's company in general Buster: You'd never know it to see her with you Rio: Yeah well I'm great Buster: Obviously Buster: That's why I miss you so much Rio: Duh Buster: How far from home are you now? Rio: Not far now, promise Rio: 5 minutes Buster: I don't wanna go to sleep without seeing you Rio: I know baby, I can't do it either Buster: How did we ever? Rio: I've never slept well Buster: Me either, honestly Buster: It's hard to switch off Rio: Yeah Rio: Same Rio: I've never slept like I do when you're there Rio: not just because you've worn me out too Buster: If that worked I would have always slept well, like Buster: I used to drink and fuck so much Buster: It's always been different with you Buster: Remember when we fell asleep together before any of this Rio: Yeah Rio: Trying to look after me even then Buster: I've always tried to do that Buster: Wanted to Rio: I know Rio: even when I didn't appreciate it Buster: I behaved worse to you Buster: I don't know why you ever talked to me after some of the shit I said Buster: Well, I do, but Rio: You know, heard it all before Buster: Rio Rio: Hm? Buster: I hate that anyone has ever talked to you like that, me included Rio: It's alright Buster: It's not Rio: Well, I don't care now Rio: it is what it is Rio: easy target Buster: I'm never gonna hurt you again, okay Buster: Or let anyone else either Rio: I believe you Buster: Good 'cause I mean it Rio: You didn't mean any of it, did you? Buster: Baby Buster: Of course not Rio: Okay Rio: Good Buster: Did you really think I ever did? Buster: Seriously Rio: I wouldn't blame you Buster: Fuck Rio: Don't Buster: I have to Rio: Forget about it Rio: you didn't mean it, it's fine Buster: No Rio: Babe Buster: What? Rio: Sorry Buster: Don't apologise Buster: I should be Rio: You have and it's okay Buster: It's not good enough Rio: I say it is Rio: but what do you want to do to make it okay then? Buster: You don't have to do anything Buster: This is on me, not you Rio: No it isn't Rio: it's my bullshit Buster: I still have to own what I did and what I made you feel like Rio: It's not like this came from you, is it Buster: That doesn't mean I'm fucking excused, like Rio: You didn't mean it, you apologized Rio: I'm not asking for more Buster: You never do Rio: Are you judging me for that now? Buster: I'm not judging you for any of this Rio: Then accept my acceptance Buster: Fine Rio: I wish I'd not brought it up now Buster: You never wanna bring it up Buster: Have we even talked about any of this since you were high on Drew's mystery stash, like? Rio: Why would I want to? Rio: You wouldn't wanna sit here and talk about your flaws Buster: I'm not saying you have to Rio: Yes you are Buster: I was just asking the question, Christ Buster: Don't get mad at me Rio: Whatever, I want to drop it Buster: Like I said, fine Rio: It isn't fine if you're gonna be pissy is it Buster: Fuck off Buster: I'm not pissy I'm upset that you're carrying this bullshit around with you Rio: We've all got our own shit Buster: Obviously Rio: Just please can we forget about it Rio: I'm home now Buster: I'm not trying to upset you that's literally the opposite of what I was trying to do Buster: So yeah if you want Rio: Just Rio: you can't fix everything for me, babe, especially not tonight Buster: I know Buster: I'm just tired, alright Buster: I'm being dramatic Rio: Just taking off my makeup and getting comfy then I'll call you Buster: You still want to? Rio: Of course Rio: don't you want me to Buster: Of course I do Buster: But I get if you're pissed off at me Rio: Shh Rio: I'm not Rio: You're only trying to be gentlemanly and noble, as per, I'm not mad at you Rio: just myself Buster: I don't want you to be mad at yourself either though Rio: That's okay, I'll feel better when we snuggle Buster: I love you, Rio Buster: I'll be less of an annoying prick when we're together again Buster: I swear Rio: I feel it Rio: There'll be no room for miscommunication Buster: I'll do my best to make sure its hard for you to talk Rio: Promises promises Buster: You can hold me to it Buster: You know I really wanna hold you Rio: I know Rio: I want that so bad Rio: you make me feel so safe Buster: Soon Buster: I'm gonna look after you, baby Rio: You always do Buster: I try anyway Rio: You do Rio: Don't question it Buster: Okay Rio: Promise? Buster: I promise Buster: I believe you Rio: Good Rio: Okay, I'm in bed Buster: Good Buster: Call me Rio: 🧡

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tess

A nice pre-Christmas argument

Tess joined the chat 2 hours ago Ali: Mamacita! How's tricks? Did you manage to get the gum out of Rocky's hair in the end or is he rocking a no.1 rn? Tess: It's hat season he'll be fine. It's your da you need to worry about if he doesn't get those bloody Christmas decs out Ali: At least you'll be saved the toxic fumes of the nit shampoo, like. I'll make him some earmuffs, ears like that, he'll get frostbite. Ali: Aww, leave off, he's got a bad back, like 😜 Ali: Caleb can come help with the heavy shit, he's like an ox, I'll be creative director, obvs, I've got the eye, he's got the body Ali: 😉 Tess: I hope you've got plenty of wool 'cause the dog got to ours and its a bloody state. He'll have a bad head to go with it in a minute. Nah you're alright bab Tommy's offered and Drew might as well make himself useful now he's sniffing round again. Ali: Well, there goes your classic jumper presents! Have to brave dem crowds, fight a bitch for the last...idk, what do kids even want these days? Last I heard from Rock mutant turtles and power rangers were back in vogue but they're probably out again, its been a week or so 😏 Contrary fuckers, eh? I was NEVER that bad, was I? Bet you wish you could relieve those easy years raising me, the dream child 😇 Ali: Alright then, though I wouldn't recommend confining Tommo and Drew to a space as small as the loft, T is gunning for him Ali: aren't we all? but hey 🤷 see if those muscles are just for show ay Tess: He's still on about that slime bollocks. Supposedly this stuff blows bubbles and expands or whatever. All I'm bothered about is that it says it ain't sticky. Better sodding not be. Ha! If you weren't being a little demon you were trying to raise them. Easy ain't the word love! Tess: I'll put Drew at the bottom of the ladder. Maybe some of the boxes'll land on his head. Knock some sense into the lad. Ro too seeing as she's never far. Ali: That shit is such a rip-off though, I could make him some dead cheap, tell him he can have it whatever colour, whatever random shit he wants in it, and no one else will have the same at School Ali: Save your money for the feast 💃'cos I won't be absolutely stuffed from my first xmas dinner, like, nah Ali: and demons need love too, ma, just ask Ro Ali: will he be joining us for meal numero dos? cos i don't think i can stomach 2 helpings of him in one day tbh Tess: Tell him yourself. I tried to make some with him in the summer and the ungrateful little sod wouldn't even come sit up the table. His loss. They loved it at work. Tess: Don't. That girl'll do me in one of these days . I'm surviving on spite by now 'cause he'll be eating with us over my dead body. Caleb's lot are welcome to keep him. Ali: I'm tellin ya get the kid some prescription speed, it'll do him wonders 😂 Well, that's another idea fucked...tis the season! Ali: I know, it ain't even funny at this point. Ali: You know she's gonna wanna go see him, yeah? You'll never get her to sit through games and shit telly once she's picked at her veg Ali: Its like kid swap up in here Tess: If I can get some what's on her plate into her instead of just the dog I'll be laughing. Fuck's sake. Kids who'd celebrate 'em? Grandkids on the other hand. Mary'd have been proper buzzing for that. Ali: Oi, woman! I'm right here Ali: and the giver of majority grandkids, so, think on, love Tess: You're even stevens kiddo. Keep it that way 'til you're done with uni yeah? Call that the xmas gift that keeps giving. Ali: yeah but a twofer ain't the same, is it? 😜 don't make promises i can't keep, ma Ali: engineering students are so fit, how will i resist? Tess: Tell that to Bea. I'm sure she'd have plenty to say back. Ali Mckenna don't test me there's plenty of room in the car when we go for Tommo's new specs I can get you in too. Ali: Yeah, yeah, she can lord it over me with her efficient vagina, getting it done in one, I'll be many bucks fizzes deep by then, give a shizzle Ali: Gurl, my vision is 20/20, in my third eye too, ooOOoOoOOOo Ali: Maybe Beatrice will prove again why she's your favourite daughter by distracting Ro so much with this London visit she won't have time to pine over Drew at all, happy days Tess: That's the spirit. Save your dad's back. He still thinks he's a brawler. Tess: Shh I don't have favorites I'm not one of your teachers. Tess: I'm sure Drew'll stay one text away throughout. Never off her phone now is she. Ali: Ahh, old man could still take him, Drew's a pussy Ali: I'll get Marlene round again lmao Ali: Suuuuuuuuuuuure ya don't 😏 Ali: We can only assume texting is a medium in which he really shines, 'cos seeing them IRL, doesn't make sense, so... Tess: Now that girl is a fave, thinking 'bout it. Yeah I like her. Tess: He must know his selfie angles or some shit. Tess: You tell me I'll never see the appeal. Ali: oh, sweet mama, if only you'd voiced your preference sooner, maybe i'd of married her and had lots of gaybies instead Ali: alas 🤣 Ali: you sound 100, do you feel it? 😉 Ali: he's a vessel for her hopes and dreams, init, but he ain't, he just needs to man up and move the fuck on so she can too Tess: Like you've ever listened to your ma. Double it and you ain't close, bab. I'm in those vampiric numbers here. Tess: Yeah. Maybe try telling her that. Ali: You wish you were a vampire. Which, tbh, is telling of how old you is. Ain't nothing cool about being a basement dwelling weirdo who can't sample the wonder and joy of garlic bread. Ali: Why don't you? Oh wait, cos it ain't for either of us to say it so we'll just sit here like bitter old lemons Ali: You're a bad influence, lady Tess: If that's what you think about vampire lore then I ain't gonna even waste my breath young'un. Tess: I have, cheers. I ain't sitting on my arse doing fuck all for you lot even if that's what you reckon. Tess: Exactly. Learn a lesson. Ali: Mhmm, go tell it to the lost boys 'cos I don't give a damn, I'm getting doughballs baby Ali: Pshhh, well fat lot of good its done, why you setting me up to fail then?! Ali: I know when to bow out gracefully Tess: I don't need to 'cause we'll all be snacking. If you'd watched that movie when I offered you'd know garlic don't work in that verse. Tess: There's nothing graceful about tapping out with a fight left to finish. I thought you'd been set up to go 'til the final bell but do what you've gotta do. Or don't. Tess: There's plenty of other shit stuck to the fridge singing your praises like Ali: No thank you, there's watching some lame for jokes, then there's forcing yourself to endure kiefer sutherland and co Ali: That's sadism. Ali: Well, there's nothing graceful about kicking a girl when she's down Ali: going blow for blow ain't always the right approach, is it? not with someone like Ro so don't start alright Tess: Lame? And you wonder why you ain't my fave. Tess: Helping your sister up is always the right approach if you don't want her to stay down. Tess: I'm not starting anything. I've said my piece. End of. Ali: C'mon, I know even Joe couldn't pretend to like it, like Ali: That's my point, she ain't fell yet, she's on a Drew-related high so pardon me from not trying take the rug from up under her Ali: not that I could if I tried, like I said, what good has you 'saying your piece' done? Ali: sometimes all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces after, that's just facts Tess: You all take after your da is why. No taste none of ya. Tess: It's done me a lot of good being able to get it on the record each time, cheers. Tess: sometimes that's a cop out 'cause you want a easy life Tess: Fact is there's plenty that could have been done before he did his reappearing act. Ali: Oh, yeah? Like what? Changing her entire worldview in time for tea? Ali: If it was that easy, you would've managed it by now Ali: Don't be so hard on yourself, your not doing her, or any of us, a favour with this shit Tess: He's a dealer it is that easy. It ain't my job to manage it though. You all wanna be treated like adults and have me wipe your arses for you at the same time I think not. Do yourself and her, a favor and use that big brain of yours. Ali: You think she doesn't know? Now who's being thick Ali: She doesn't care, so unless you're planning to cop shop him that means sweet fuck all doesn't it Tess: It ain't about what she knows. Last I checked he's not the only dealer in Dublin. There's still some honor among scumbags and more than one way to get caught out. Ali: Aww, such a softie at heart, ain't ya? Tess: Takes one to know one. Ali: That is one small step above 'I know you are but what am I?' Ali: No one wants Drew to get kneecapped or Ro to be collateral but he wants to be treated like an adult, so we can't wipe his arse, can we? Tess: Speak for yourself I'd spend my reddies to see that. However bad he thinks he is there's always someone worse and the sooner he learns it the better for all of us having to watch him play silly beggars Tess: Ro's worth a million of him maybe when she's grown up she'll know it. Ali: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're such a hard bitch. Maybe if he'd got proper help from people like you he woulda turned out better when he was grown too. Ali: It ain't too late for either of them. Tess: I'm what I've had to be. I can't save 'em all. Not even close. You'd be well to stay away from him if you've still got the sense you were born with. Ali: Yeah but you still try, don't you? Read back your previous wisdom for your answer there. Ali: Bit hard when we live in the same gaff isn't it but I can assure you I'm not going out of my way to be his bestie, mother Tess: I ain't about to flog a dead dog. He ain't a stupid kid anymore and what happened when he was a little 'un ain't an excuse either Tess: Nobody's got it easy. Tess: It's up to him to work out if his turning point's come and gone or if he even reckons he needs one. Ali: You don't have to but you can see the pretense Ro is working under, yeah? She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong and, arguably, she ain't. But sometimes all you get for your efforts is a kick in the teeth. Ali: Nobody's got it easy. Ali: It's up to HER to call time, not us. Tess: Who says? I've been there. Thinkin I had it all and knew even more about my future with my dream boy. Nobody came to clue me in but even now I wish they fucking had done. Ali: Like you'd have listened. Tess: If I had someone who gave a shit maybe Tess: She'd listen to you. Ali: Say you had, would you have done anything differently? Even if you knew how it'd go, if you didn't have Ronnie, you might still be with Josh now Ali: It changes everything about you Ali: I don't think she would. There's no reasoning because there is no reason, or rhyme for that matter Tess: Of course I would. I'd do everything differently. I'm not trying to romanticise who I was. Or am. Tess: Change ain't no bad thing when it comes to this. Or me Tess: Because you don't wanna think that she would and deal with all the shit that comes with her doing that. I don't blame ya but that don't make it right Tess: it's still a cop out. Ali: Well, I hope it soothes YOUR soul villainizing yourself because as someone who's half you, it's not something that is helpful, at all. Ali: Who's been there for her after every break-up? Who has to listen to every fucking detail? It ain't been you. And I can assure you I didn't spend those times when he was out of the picture singing his fucking praises. I HAVE told her. Everyone has. It just pisses you off that you can't fix this, or her. Tess: You're all you. Your own person. End of. Tess: And it should help you to know the truth. I was a bad person Ali and I ain't exactly sainted now. I do my best that's all any of us've got. Deal with it. Tess: I'm sorry you want a gold star or pat on the head for doing what you're supposed to for who you love. You're not getting it from me. Try your luck with your da maybe. Tess: And yeah it does piss me off so what? Ali: That isn't close to being true. There's no such thing as an individual, sorry to burst your bubble. Ali: And no one is one or the other. Christ, you're so fucking old testament. Ali: If your going in for all that shite, you should look at how revered a knocked-up teenage girl is whilst you're at it Ali: No one gives a shit about your war stories, they don't help anyone but you so you keep all that anger and hold it tight 'cos none of us are here for it any more Ali: Good luck trying to get Rocky to sit still so you can tell him all about damnation to scare him straight, good fucking luck Tess: You're not gonna change my mind. If you were anything close to being half of me we wouldn't be having this conversation. Tess: Life's black and white for me. That's what happens when you don't have choices. Call it what you like. Tess: And there's nothing to be preached to me about being a knocked up teen by you or anyone else. I ain't trying to either you just think it's that onesided 'cause you never listen Tess: There you go again speaking for everyone else when you mean yourself. But whatever. Tess: Get your own stories and leave mine out of it. Tess: Grow up, Ali. Ali: Now there's a copout if I ever heard one. Ali: Listen to what? What are you spouting but hot air? Ali: Oh, yeah? What one of your sainted children has benefitted? Ronnie hates you, Joe's a junkie, me and Fraze did exactly what you did. Ali: Tommy is passable but he's unhappy as fuck so, well done there. You've only got one left. Ali: What's the point? No one can ever match up to your infinite wisdom, I'd rather stay young so I knew what the hell I was talking about instead of making myself look like an old fool