#turdrestrial

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‪The correct way to approach a stranger in your shed. ‬

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E.T. Encounter - Charlie’s Angels (2000)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again (and again and again), E.T. CANNOT be trusted. Just ask someone who knows the turdrestrial better than most of us: Drew Barrymore. 

During a recent rewatch of 2000′s Charlie’s Angels film I noticed an E.T. poster in one of the scenes. Not a shocking bit of set dressing in itself, but consider the situation of the scene. Right before finding herself naked in the backyard of this home, Barrymore’s character is shot out of a window by someone she thought she could trust. She was double-crossed. 

I’m reading you loud and clear, Drew. E.T. WILL betray all you loyal followers. He WILL try to kill us all.

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‪The turdrestrial returns on a day celebrating invaders. Could the truth be any more obvious?

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Off to join the Space Force.

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It’s that time of year again. Be sure to keep an eye out for this “child.”

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#FakeNews

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Do yourself a kindness and don’t befriend E.T.

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My niece was given a new stuffed toy today. Though I was sent this pic to poke fun at my “irrational fear,” it does make a good point: The only good ET is a stuffed ET.

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Dance, Dance. Revolution.

The dream started out as innocuously as any other, making my way to gym class. We were following a prerecorded dance lesson, with the goal to get the steps as close to the video first try. Think the Just Dance games, with points being dolled out per correct move. The more you vary, the less points you get.

Ever the perfect student, but never the dancer, I did my best to keep up with the instructional video. But try as I might, I could not mirror the dancing figures as the rest of my class seemed to. They were perfectly in sync; with the video, and with each other. An army.

Disheartened by my failing deviations, I took a breath to regather myself. And that’s when I noticed it. The images spliced into the video. Of him. Of ET. Blink and you’d miss them. But I’m not blinking.

And neither should you.

So here’s the reminder: Stay focused, stay vigilant. His agents are among us, whether they know it or not. Don’t become one of them. Time to don the tinfoil hats, as it were.

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Why Did E.T. Come to Earth?

Have any of you ever wondered why E.T.’s ship stopped off on Earth in the first place? Maybe they just discovered our planet on a whim and decided to explore, maybe they wanted to observe but were caught unprepared, or maybe it was something more nefarious. 

Could E.T.’s abandonment on Earth been on purpose all along? What if it was a right of passage, much like Spartan boys endured on their journey to manhood? In addition to the goal of building strength in their boys matched by no others, this Krypteia was also used to police the helots (basically slaves) and kill those who were deemed deserving death. 

So what was E.T.’s goal? Study, learn, and kill. We are the helots, we all deserve death in E.T.’s eyes. And one day his race will come for us all.

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Last night’s season finale of Game of Thrones has me thinking about the effectiveness of border walls and Trump’s desire to have one of his own. I don’t understand what he thinks it’s going to do. It won’t keep out illegal aliens. They have ships. They’re just fly over the wall. 

What a doof.

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Solar Eclipse 2017, A Lie.

You know what else is moon-shaped at certain angles? 

Wake up, people!

So what is E.T. really up to while everyone is distracted? I'll be keeping an eye out for the true threat while you all willfully destroy your retinas on a lie.

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“And so that was supposed to be the final scene, it was in the script and everything, and then they would pan up to the roof and you’d see the communicator and it’s still working — in other words, Elliott is still in touch with E.T..”

Gee, wonder why they wouldn’t want us to know that E.T. has a man on the inside? What other traitorous acts are being covered up?

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Kristen Wiig isn’t even on this list, so why use her image? More importantly, why, out of all of the 29 jokes, choose the joke about ET as inspiration for the second image? Why put them next to each other if there is no connection? What is Buzzfeed trying to tell us!?

A fellow warrior warned that this could mean that Kristen Wiig is an agent on the ground for E.T. That maybe he’s formed a bond with her much like he did with Elliott. 

But I can’t fathom Wiig being on the side of evil.

A quick look at her IMDb page shows that she has plenty of history with space and aliens, from Paul to The Martian. Maybe in the coming battle she will be inspired by her Ghostbusters role to take on another very real threat. Maybe she is the leader we need.

Only time will tell. For now I’ll be sure to keep a closer eye on her going forward, as well as any other hints from Buzzfeed. You should do the same.

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Another wonderful message from the family mocking my totally rational fear. (Here’s the previous message.)

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These past couple nights I've been watching alien movies (Alien: Covenant and Life) in which the meeting of the species goes horribly wrong almost instantly, with the aliens showing their malicious intentions early in the relationship. As torturous as being used as an incubator sounds, at least there would be no confusion as to what the intent of the alien species is. Instead of the opening of E.T.: the Extra-Terrestrial we'd have the opening of Stranger Things, and thus, no question as to E.T.'s status as an enemy.

Unfortunately, when it comes to E.T., the world waits for a lesson that they may not be around to learn from. My advice to these people is this: don’t be fooled by the intent of an outstretched hand.