#tumblr upload quality treats me better than instagram ever could

[3atcr0w]

[onelastsho-t]

Signing Off, 05/02/2021

“Letting go is the easy part. It’s the moving on that’s painful. If I were to go back in time, there are a lot of things I will choose to change. But in the end, I will always choose you, over everything else.” 

It has been almost half a year since we completely stopped talking to each other. No form of communication, at all. It happened so fast yet so gradually. We went from talking non-stop everyday to zero communication. 

During this period of time, there isn’t a day where I stopped thinking about you. There are countless days where I almost wanted to drop you a text but it never happened. I still have our picture in my wallet and whenever I feel defeated by life, I look at it to give me some strength to carry on. You are still so alive in my head and in my heart. You are still, sometimes, the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning.

I think of you when I am commuting and passed by some places where we used to hang out. When I listen to songs such as “Yellow Lights”, “Us” and a lot more, especially “You Complete Me”. I still remember how you sang this song to me and it still warms my heart so much. When I go to a nice restaurant and the food taste great because you are such a glutton. When I watch a nice series on Netflix which I know you will definitely like. When I see cute dogs on the streets knowing you will shriek and wanting to pet them. Sometimes I just stare into space without any thoughts and you will just appear out of nowhere. All these thoughts always make me smile. The thought of you always makes me smile.

I wonder a lot if you think about me too. 

I still wish we didn’t have to go separate ways. But I understand that’s what was best for us at that point in time. You had too much on your plate and I had so much frustration with the situation I didn’t know how to handle it myself. I understand you did what was best for us and I think that’s the way you chose to love me. You saw what I couldn’t see. And for that - please know that I will always be grateful to you. For being so brave and for choosing this path to allow us both to heal properly. 

I will never be as brave as you. And maybe that’s why you will always be one of the strongest person I will know. Maybe the fact of you being so stubborn is good in this regard. You never give up no matter how tough the road ahead is. You never even flinch. You just continue marching on and choosing to fight the battle, even when you had to do it alone. I am so fucking proud of you and I will never stop saying that. 

I wish I wasn’t so afraid to wish you a proper “happy birthday” last year. I think love always makes me do stupid things. I recorded and uploaded a 25-minutes long video just to wish you a happy birthday weeks before 2 November 2020. But in the end, the video was never made known to you or to anyone. I even went to the Apple store wanting to pick up an Apple Watch for you because I know you have always wanted it. I replayed a lot of scenes in my head - how will you react? Will it stress you out? Is this doing more harm than good? It’s such a stupid idea. It was a tough battle and then at some point I realised I had no place in doing all of these. So, in the end, nothing was said and all these will forever remain as scenes played in my head. 

I think after all these time, you still care for me in your own way. Maybe watching my Instagram stories is one of the ways to let me know you still care, or maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t know and I think maybe I won’t ever know. 

To me, it doesn’t really matter that much anymore if you will ever get to read all these posts. Because I know, you are slowly achieving your goals. All I ever really wanted was for you to be happy and to have your inner peace. And I know you will have all that - slowly but surely. Remember? You appear to be happier and truth to be told, I am so so so happy for you. My heart still gets this tingling feeling whenever I see you smile and that’s when I know I will take a very very long time to get over you completely. Why do you still melt my heart?

Never thought you will have such an impact on someone right? You do. You are such an amazing person and I hope you will never stop telling yourself that. You brought me so much peace and happiness among the chaos. You taught me how to love myself better. And the list goes on. So please do know that you are not a bad person for hurting me because I know I hurt you too. It didn’t matter who hurt who and how much who fell short, a relationship is a choice to commit and I love you, that’s why everything else didn’t matter. There’s always bound to be hurt in a relationship and I quote the song “The Black and White” - call it what you need, but don’t blame yourself for me. 

You are so special and don’t you dare for one second think you are not. You are so precious. You always make me want to take care of you no matter how strong you appear to be because I know deep down, you are not. I ended up hurting you even though you are truly the last person I would ever want to hurt. I've always always wanted to protect you from this world, from anyone who wants to or who will hurt you. You will always be that special person in my heart holding that special place. And you will always be worthy, no matter how bad a person you think you are. Just so you know, you were never the bad person in my story and you never will be. Maybe I will forever have this regret of letting you get away but as long as I know you are doing well, everything’s going to be fine. 

I will probably always carry this hope of you coming back, no matter how much time has passed.

But for now, maybe this is the last thing I can give to you and also to myself. I forgive the long distance. I forgive the lack of communication. I forgive the pandemic for taking away the last chance I had to spend quality time with you. I forgive myself, I forgive us. Most importantly, I forgive you. 

I will always choose to forgive you because this lifetime is too short. Even though we were together for 2.5 years, I still feel like I wasn’t given enough time with you. I could have spent forever looking at you and not get bored because you will always find ways to either make me roll my eyes hard or laugh real hard. I could have spent forever getting lost in your eyes and the warmth of your hugs. I could have spent forever getting to know you - each and every version of you throughout this lifetime. 

But I know for now, greater things are waiting for you to achieve. I hope you will continue to be you. Never let anyone and any thoughts of not being good enough bring you down. Continue growing, continue scaling greater heights and continue fighting life. The future will always be daunting, perhaps it will overwhelm you and leave you doubting yourself. But please don’t ever give up, okay? Take a break when you are tired and continue to soldier on. I will continue to work hard and aim to achieve more too. And I can’t wait to hear good news about you in the future. I know I will be so happy for you for finally getting into the place in life where you always wanted and deserved. You deserve happiness more than anyone else.

We might never talk to each other again. Today could have been our 1000th day together. You are not mine anymore but I'm still a little bit yours. And I know after all these months, it’s probably time for me to move on from us. It’s time for me to move on from you. It was a privilege to love you, and it was a privilege to let you go. You are a tough act to follow but I gotta follow through.

I will try my best not to scream in my head “cute” or “beautiful” the next time I see your picture on social media. I will try not to pause for a short while the next time I come across your profile because trust me, I still do. If you happen to read this someday down the road, please just know that I still care so much for you but I think this is the best I can do for you. I will always care for you in my own way. I will always keep you so close to my heart.

I still love you and I am aware that I am still very in love with you. But I know if you felt the same way, you would have spoken to me because the ball has always been in your court ever since we stopped talking. 

Maybe someday we will meet again as better versions of ourselves and the time will finally be right for us.

But for now, as of this moment, here’s me signing off from this platform and taking baby steps to move on from you. It will take a lot of self-awareness, a lot of effort and a whole lot of time. Maybe I will spend this lifetime moving on from you. Or maybe I won’t ever move on from you but I know I gotta try. 

I don’t know what is waiting ahead of this road but I know, you will always be living somewhere inside of my heart and this I promise - nobody can ever take away. 

If along the way you meet someone who treats you well, from the bottom of my heart - I truly wish you well and I hope the person will know how to cherish and love you because you deserve all the good in this world. 

Please don’t tolerate bullshit again, okay? Don’t be stupid hor please (so singlish on Tumblr I know but it’s ok no more aesthetic after all these wordy posts). Grow up already so must know how to protect yourself please. Don’t be so stubborn also. I know your love hate relationship with cats but please do not get your allergy triggered by petting them especially at your void deck. Stock up more cooling water at home in case of emergency headache or fever. Also try not to scratch the spot on your head whenever you are in deep thoughts if not later really become baldy (HAHA)!! And lastly, avoid your black hole at all costs. I repeat - avoid at all costs. If you ever fall into it, just know that those thoughts are not real and get out of that place asap, okay? 

Go be weird, go be you, go conquer your demons and the world. I'm so thankful I met you in this lifetime you have no idea.

Important things must say thrice: 

I will always miss you and I will always love you. All ways. I will always miss you and I will always love you. All ways. I will always miss you and I will always love you. All ways.  

Till we meet again, take care.

Signing off,  Jes