onelastsho-t - Tumblr blog

[onelastsho-t]

i will never forget the day i met you. you became the main character in my story and sometimes i wonder if you might find your way back again. i was a hopeless romantic and you… you were my right place at the right time, my dream come true, my easiest hello and my hardest goodbye.

but what you should know if that i'm so glad you showed up when you did. you and i were the chapter i didn’t know i needed and so many of the pages are folded at the corners because i know i will want to go back so i can always remember how good it was.

the sad truth is, we couldn’t keep each other forever but i think it’s because we both knew there were other people who needed us more in this lifetime.

[onelastsho-t]

Melbourne, 25/09/2022

I took this trip wanting to assure myself that I'm over you. But here I am still feeling the slight ache in my heart, and missing you so much.

I went to the places which have so much memories of us. Carlton. And everywhere in between.

The weather was about the same. Except this time, I did not have the warmth from your hands everytime I walk down the streets.

I stood in the middle of the departure hall like we did 3 years ago. And I can't help but think of how you started tearing when I was about to step inside. 3 years ago. It's really scary how time changes everything so quickly.

I still think we could have worked things out but it's been slightly more than 2 years since I last heard from you. At least you seem happy on social media, I hope you truly are.

I was ready to let you go. But I can't stop crying while typing this and realised I need more time.

Time will definitely take you away, I hope.

It's 6am. I need to sleep and I should stop talking to myself.

Goodbye, goodnight. Take care.

[onelastsho-t]

Escape, 10/01/2022

72 weeks, 504 days, 12,096 hours, 725,760 minutes, 43,545,600 seconds since we called it quits.

Haven’t been on this platform since forever and typing all these feels so foreign to me. In these 72 weeks, I’ve been focusing on so many other things, spending so much time with my family, picking up new hobbies and quitting bad habits. Life feels so fulfilled, I feel like I achieved so many things. But amongst everything, I still think of you.

You were... my form of escape. A shot of espresso. A ray of sunshine. A hurricane. A breath of fresh air. An exception.

Thinking about you doesn’t make me sad anymore. It doesn’t make me angry. It doesn’t make me upset. Thinking about you now feels complicated. It makes me happy. Happy that I met someone like you. Happy that our paths crossed. Happy for all the memories made. Although sometimes, it makes me wanna throw up when I remember you are nothing but a stranger with beautiful memories now.

Throughout the course of 72 weeks, you will not believe how many texts I’ve sent to the number which you are no longer using. There are just some bad nights which I am unable to handle it alone but I know I will always get through them. I just still wish you were here.

Don’t get me wrong. I no longer pine for your return because I understand - if I really love you, I will be happy for you no matter who you are with and where you are. If I really love you, you will always be with me.

I’ve let you go but you are always with me.

Okay so what actually triggered this post today was my phone’s storage issue. Due to low storage, I am forced to clear up my gallery and by doing so, I went through all of your photos. Our photos. Yes I haven’t deleted a single one of them and I reckon it’s time to do so. So after I am done with this post, I will be deleting every single photographs I have of you and of us.

I still can’t bear to but I know that I have to. If I really love you, you will always be with me.

I’m in a good place now and I sure hope you are too. As always, I will without exception, want the best for you because you deserve all the good the world has to offer. Important things must say thrice:

I’ve let you go but I will always love you. I’ve let you go but I will always love you. I’ve let you go but I will always love you.

Take care you!

[onelastsho-t]

Signing Off, 05/02/2021

“Letting go is the easy part. It’s the moving on that’s painful. If I were to go back in time, there are a lot of things I will choose to change. But in the end, I will always choose you, over everything else.” 

It has been almost half a year since we completely stopped talking to each other. No form of communication, at all. It happened so fast yet so gradually. We went from talking non-stop everyday to zero communication. 

During this period of time, there isn’t a day where I stopped thinking about you. There are countless days where I almost wanted to drop you a text but it never happened. I still have our picture in my wallet and whenever I feel defeated by life, I look at it to give me some strength to carry on. You are still so alive in my head and in my heart. You are still, sometimes, the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning.

I think of you when I am commuting and passed by some places where we used to hang out. When I listen to songs such as “Yellow Lights”, “Us” and a lot more, especially “You Complete Me”. I still remember how you sang this song to me and it still warms my heart so much. When I go to a nice restaurant and the food taste great because you are such a glutton. When I watch a nice series on Netflix which I know you will definitely like. When I see cute dogs on the streets knowing you will shriek and wanting to pet them. Sometimes I just stare into space without any thoughts and you will just appear out of nowhere. All these thoughts always make me smile. The thought of you always makes me smile.

I wonder a lot if you think about me too. 

I still wish we didn’t have to go separate ways. But I understand that’s what was best for us at that point in time. You had too much on your plate and I had so much frustration with the situation I didn’t know how to handle it myself. I understand you did what was best for us and I think that’s the way you chose to love me. You saw what I couldn’t see. And for that - please know that I will always be grateful to you. For being so brave and for choosing this path to allow us both to heal properly. 

I will never be as brave as you. And maybe that’s why you will always be one of the strongest person I will know. Maybe the fact of you being so stubborn is good in this regard. You never give up no matter how tough the road ahead is. You never even flinch. You just continue marching on and choosing to fight the battle, even when you had to do it alone. I am so fucking proud of you and I will never stop saying that. 

I wish I wasn’t so afraid to wish you a proper “happy birthday” last year. I think love always makes me do stupid things. I recorded and uploaded a 25-minutes long video just to wish you a happy birthday weeks before 2 November 2020. But in the end, the video was never made known to you or to anyone. I even went to the Apple store wanting to pick up an Apple Watch for you because I know you have always wanted it. I replayed a lot of scenes in my head - how will you react? Will it stress you out? Is this doing more harm than good? It’s such a stupid idea. It was a tough battle and then at some point I realised I had no place in doing all of these. So, in the end, nothing was said and all these will forever remain as scenes played in my head. 

I think after all these time, you still care for me in your own way. Maybe watching my Instagram stories is one of the ways to let me know you still care, or maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t know and I think maybe I won’t ever know. 

To me, it doesn’t really matter that much anymore if you will ever get to read all these posts. Because I know, you are slowly achieving your goals. All I ever really wanted was for you to be happy and to have your inner peace. And I know you will have all that - slowly but surely. Remember? You appear to be happier and truth to be told, I am so so so happy for you. My heart still gets this tingling feeling whenever I see you smile and that’s when I know I will take a very very long time to get over you completely. Why do you still melt my heart?

Never thought you will have such an impact on someone right? You do. You are such an amazing person and I hope you will never stop telling yourself that. You brought me so much peace and happiness among the chaos. You taught me how to love myself better. And the list goes on. So please do know that you are not a bad person for hurting me because I know I hurt you too. It didn’t matter who hurt who and how much who fell short, a relationship is a choice to commit and I love you, that’s why everything else didn’t matter. There’s always bound to be hurt in a relationship and I quote the song “The Black and White” - call it what you need, but don’t blame yourself for me. 

You are so special and don’t you dare for one second think you are not. You are so precious. You always make me want to take care of you no matter how strong you appear to be because I know deep down, you are not. I ended up hurting you even though you are truly the last person I would ever want to hurt. I've always always wanted to protect you from this world, from anyone who wants to or who will hurt you. You will always be that special person in my heart holding that special place. And you will always be worthy, no matter how bad a person you think you are. Just so you know, you were never the bad person in my story and you never will be. Maybe I will forever have this regret of letting you get away but as long as I know you are doing well, everything’s going to be fine. 

I will probably always carry this hope of you coming back, no matter how much time has passed.

But for now, maybe this is the last thing I can give to you and also to myself. I forgive the long distance. I forgive the lack of communication. I forgive the pandemic for taking away the last chance I had to spend quality time with you. I forgive myself, I forgive us. Most importantly, I forgive you. 

I will always choose to forgive you because this lifetime is too short. Even though we were together for 2.5 years, I still feel like I wasn’t given enough time with you. I could have spent forever looking at you and not get bored because you will always find ways to either make me roll my eyes hard or laugh real hard. I could have spent forever getting lost in your eyes and the warmth of your hugs. I could have spent forever getting to know you - each and every version of you throughout this lifetime. 

But I know for now, greater things are waiting for you to achieve. I hope you will continue to be you. Never let anyone and any thoughts of not being good enough bring you down. Continue growing, continue scaling greater heights and continue fighting life. The future will always be daunting, perhaps it will overwhelm you and leave you doubting yourself. But please don’t ever give up, okay? Take a break when you are tired and continue to soldier on. I will continue to work hard and aim to achieve more too. And I can’t wait to hear good news about you in the future. I know I will be so happy for you for finally getting into the place in life where you always wanted and deserved. You deserve happiness more than anyone else.

We might never talk to each other again. Today could have been our 1000th day together. You are not mine anymore but I'm still a little bit yours. And I know after all these months, it’s probably time for me to move on from us. It’s time for me to move on from you. It was a privilege to love you, and it was a privilege to let you go. You are a tough act to follow but I gotta follow through.

I will try my best not to scream in my head “cute” or “beautiful” the next time I see your picture on social media. I will try not to pause for a short while the next time I come across your profile because trust me, I still do. If you happen to read this someday down the road, please just know that I still care so much for you but I think this is the best I can do for you. I will always care for you in my own way. I will always keep you so close to my heart.

I still love you and I am aware that I am still very in love with you. But I know if you felt the same way, you would have spoken to me because the ball has always been in your court ever since we stopped talking. 

Maybe someday we will meet again as better versions of ourselves and the time will finally be right for us.

But for now, as of this moment, here’s me signing off from this platform and taking baby steps to move on from you. It will take a lot of self-awareness, a lot of effort and a whole lot of time. Maybe I will spend this lifetime moving on from you. Or maybe I won’t ever move on from you but I know I gotta try. 

I don’t know what is waiting ahead of this road but I know, you will always be living somewhere inside of my heart and this I promise - nobody can ever take away. 

If along the way you meet someone who treats you well, from the bottom of my heart - I truly wish you well and I hope the person will know how to cherish and love you because you deserve all the good in this world. 

Please don’t tolerate bullshit again, okay? Don’t be stupid hor please (so singlish on Tumblr I know but it’s ok no more aesthetic after all these wordy posts). Grow up already so must know how to protect yourself please. Don’t be so stubborn also. I know your love hate relationship with cats but please do not get your allergy triggered by petting them especially at your void deck. Stock up more cooling water at home in case of emergency headache or fever. Also try not to scratch the spot on your head whenever you are in deep thoughts if not later really become baldy (HAHA)!! And lastly, avoid your black hole at all costs. I repeat - avoid at all costs. If you ever fall into it, just know that those thoughts are not real and get out of that place asap, okay? 

Go be weird, go be you, go conquer your demons and the world. I'm so thankful I met you in this lifetime you have no idea.

Important things must say thrice: 

I will always miss you and I will always love you. All ways. I will always miss you and I will always love you. All ways. I will always miss you and I will always love you. All ways.  

Till we meet again, take care.

Signing off,  Jes 

[onelastsho-t]

Are You Happy? 02/02/2021

“Another fight where no one wins again Cause we don't care if we're careful anymore So you hurt me, and then I hurt you back Do you remember how tangled we got in our feelings? Caught up on the small things And I know I thought that pain's part of love But I think I broke you, though I didn't mean to But are you happy looking back at us When you met me? Would you go back and tell yourself to leave it Knowing what we know? Or are you happy that we happened in our 20s? So you know what you want isn't with me Would you go back and tell yourself to leave it Knowing how it goes? Or are you happy that we happened? You taught me how to let somebody in And how to let go of someone you love To fall apart and then get up again Cause I remember how deeply we fell in our feelings Head first without reason And I know I thought that pain's part of love But I think you broke me, though you didn't mean to Are you happy that we happened? Are you happy Looking back at us When you met me? Would you go back and tell yourself to leave it Knowing what we know Or are you happy that we happened?”

[onelastsho-t]

Pretend, 01/02/2021

“Breaking up with someone and ending a relationship when you still have so much feelings and love for that person is one of the strangest and hardest things I’ve had to endure. I’m honestly not sure how people get through these sorts of heartbreaks. I thought I’d loved before but you showed me what true love was, what it is. 

We’ve both said right person, wrong time. However, I’m not sure I believe it so much anymore. I couldn’t have loved anyone more than I love you. You’ve taught me so much, you’ve helped me grow in ways you will never know - and for that, I am eternally grateful. Right person, right timing. We found each other at one of my lowest points, you pulled me out of a hole I wasn’t sure I’d ever get out of. You’ve shown me love, and you’ve shown me how I deserve to be loved, appreciated, respected. And for you, I can only hope that I’ve done the same. You’ve had such a great impact on my life, and I will forever cherish the time we had. 

Even though we didn’t work out, thank you so much for loving me. More importantly, thank you for allowing me to love you. 

Please remember the times between then and now, and how many good memories there are. I wish you nothing but the best in your next, and I promise I will always be here no matter what. 

You’re my forever. 

A part of me will always love you. 

Maybe we can pretend we didn’t break each other’s hearts.”

[onelastsho-t]

30/01/2021

I miss you. I just honestly miss you so much.

Why can't I just send you a text or FaceTime call you? Am I complicating things in my head and just making up stories that maybe, just maybe, with the slightest bit of hope - you are waiting for my text? I guess not.

I hope you are well. You will be and you have to be. It's 4am now and I really just miss you.

Goodnight.

[onelastsho-t]

ilym, 29/01/2021

I wrote you a letter And I threw it away No matter how small I write it There's always so much more to say I'm not saying it's a competition all I'm saying is  I love you more than the bad days ahead I love you more than the nights that we ended with slamming doors Oh I love you more There will be times when your heart will forget But I'll say it over and over again So you know for sure Darling I love you More than my bad jokes That I take too far You roll your eyes and then smile Cuz you know that that's just who we are I'll love you more as the years pass us by If you ever doubt it just look in my eyes And you'll know for sure I love you more than the bad days ahead I love you more than the nights that we ended with slamming doors Oh I love you more There will be times when your heart will forget I'll say it over and over again So you know for sure Darling I love you more

[onelastsho-t]

Even If I Knew, 28/01/2021

I wish I wouldn’t have been so afraid to just talk to you.  Afraid of taking away your inner peace. Afraid that I will make you upset again.  Maybe if I wouldn’t have been so afraid, I wouldn’t be writing the same words over and over again, just to try to find the reason why. Maybe I would just accept that sometimes, we will never find our answer, I could finally move on. Maybe everything would be different. 

Or maybe it would all be exactly the same. 

We both knew that what we had was different. We both decided that what we had was worth the pain of knowing it could never be permanent. We both took a chance, and we both got hurt. And still, I think that is was so worth it. 

Even if I knew how things were going to end between us, I would still choose you. I would still choose you knowing that you would choose to leave my life in the end. I will not hesitate and I would still choose you over and over. And that I know I would have to live with that choice forever. That is what you really meant to me. 

You taught me both the beauty and pain of living in the moment. You showed me just how beautiful the word could be if you just opened up to it. You made me feel loved in your own way. With you, I felt more alive that I was ever. 

You were like coming up for a breath of fresh air when I was drowning. 

From the day you crashed into my world to the day you so silently walked away, you showed me how much things can change in an instant. Sometimes these changes are everything you could have ever wanted in life, while other times, they are your worst nightmares come true. Life will never be all good or all bad. Changes will come into your life, whether or not you are ready or willing to receive them. 

I will always be so glad that I took a chance on you. From you, I learned that sometimes the best things in life really do come when you least expect them, and that sometimes, the things we least expect are unfortunately the things that come true. 

I don’t know what you are doing now, but I hope that you are truly happy. I hope you are less angry a person (which is cute by the way) and I hope things will go the way you plan soon. I hope you are fulfilled and doing all of the things that you have always wanted to do.

And even if our paths never cross again, know that you will always have a home here in my arms. 

[onelastsho-t]

Try To Remember, 27/01/2021

I wouldn't say too much If your heart don't know the truth Take me for who I was A boy so in love with you Let's take this from the start Before you became this girl I miss you so goddamn much Just like I knew I would So I'll go, go, go Yeah, I'll go, go, go So why don't we drive to that old blue house Show me exactly where your heart found out That you were in love with me Knew that you wanted me Now try to remember how I guess I might as well go Pack up my shit and just go home I wish you ask me to stay for a day Oh, we both know that you want So I'll go, go, go Yeah, I'll go, go, go Go right down the street to that old blue house Found out exactly where your heart gave out Forgot what you had for me Thought we would always be But you can't remember now So try to remember Try to remember Try to remember Try to remember how Just try to remember how I'll always go back to that old blue house To find out exactly where all fell out Cause we were in love At least I was I can remember.

[onelastsho-t]

Alaska Sea 阿拉斯加海湾, 26/01/2021

上天啊 Oh god  难道你看不出我很爱她 Can't you see that i love her very much 怎么明明相爱的两个人 Two people who love each other clearly 你要拆散他们啊 Why do you want to separate them

上天啊 Oh god 你千万不要偷偷告诉她 Please don't tell her secretly 在无数夜深人静的夜晚 In countless nights 有个人在想她 Someone is thinking of her

以后的日子你要好好照顾她 You have to take good care of her from now on 我不在她身旁你不要欺负她 I'm not by her side, please don't bully her  别再让人走进她心里 Don't let people walk into her heart 最后却又离开她 And leave her again 因为我不愿再看她流泪啦 Because I don't want to see her cry again

上天啊 Oh god 她最近是否不再失眠啦 Has she stopped having insomnia recently? 愿世间问情化作一缕风 May the world's love turn into a ray of wind 代替我拥抱她 And take my place to give her a warm hug

希望我的努力能够赶上她 I hope I can catch up with her 可若你安排了别人给她 But if you’ve already made arrangements for someone else to come into her life 我会祝福她 I will give her my blessings 上天啊 Oh god 你别管我先让她幸福吧 Please prioritise her happiness 上天啊 Oh god 这些晚上我对你说的话 Whatever I said to you these nights 你别不小心漏嘴告诉她 Please don’t tell her accidentally 我怕会吵醒她 I’m afraid it will wake her up

上天啊 Oh god 你千万不要偷偷告诉她 Please don’t tell her secretly 在无数夜深人静的夜晚 In countless nights 我依旧在想她。 I still think about her.

[onelastsho-t]

If You See Her, 25/01/2021

“Just look at us You'd never bet against our love Got that kind of thing that lasts Table for two She said "for life" so I'm confused How'd she turn it off so fast Don't know what she left me for She won't talk to me anymore So if you see her Tell her I'd do anything, I need her I know I'm not perfect but we were She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her If you see her Maybe today My phone will ring, I'll see her name Trying not to hold my breath It's all a blur But I remember holding her last Time that I was in her bed Woke up with her head on my chest This doesn't make any sense So if you see her Tell her I'd do anything, I need her I know I'm not perfect but we were She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her If you see her Does she remember The night before goodbye she said forever And made me swear I'd never leave her She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her If you see her Yeah So if you see her Tell her I'd do anything, I need her I know I'm not perfect but we were She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her If you see her Does she remember The night before goodbye she said forever And made me swear I'd never leave her She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her If you see her If you see her Tell her that she's fucked it, I can't read her We both know she's not perfect either But if she says she loves me, let me see her Let me see her”

[onelastsho-t]

You, 24/01/2021

I always hoped you were the one, but I was never sure. One day I woke up and I knew it was you. You I wanted in my corner, you I wanted to fight for. It’s always been you, it’ll always be you.

I just wish so badly I can just call you up and tell you everything's gonna be okay and if all else fails, I'm still here for you. I will always be here for you.

It will always be you.

[onelastsho-t]

Time, 22/01/2021

I always thought time will take you away. But instead, it brought you so much closer.  What am I supposed to do When I got so much of you with me yet you are so far away.  Can you hear this?  Can you hear me shouting into the space?

I miss you so much. 

[onelastsho-t]

Maybe Someday, 21/01/2021

“I’m trying to get over you. I’m trying so god damn hard. And some mornings I wake up and think, yes, maybe I finally am free. Free from my echoing thoughts of you. But then other mornings I wake up and all I can think about is how your eyes look with sunlight in them and how your face looks just before your break into a smile. Maybe we aren’t meant to be together, maybe not now, maybe not ever. And I don’t wanna have a single grain of hope, because blessed are those with no expectations. But sometimes, I think against my own will that what if we break all the laws? Maybe we will forget each other soon but what if we meet again someday in the future, and in one look we will feel the ache in our hearts of our incomplete love. And maybe then, I will be right for you and you will be right for me? Maybe we are meant to be together, maybe not now. But maybe someday.”

[onelastsho-t]

stay4ever, 20/01/2021

See your scars, I know just how it feels Left abandoned by what you thought was real It's okay if you don't win every fight Know the darkness only comes in the night But I'll be here forever I think about you all the time, throughout my daily routines You might think you're nothing special but you're special to me I hate it when I see you always put yourself down Please don't worry if you lost, there's always a way out I know it's easy for me to say I'm not in the same spot But I'll stay with you forever, we can stare at the clock Let's have a party for two until our eyelids close People change but I won't leave this path You're the girl in my heart, you're the X on the map Come inside, it's too cold for an angel Take things slow, won't move till you're stable Like you a lot, but I'll keep that a secret I'll kill the ghost that is in your dreams

[onelastsho-t]

Kata omoi 片思い, 19/01/2021

"Last night I dreamt that I spent a whole day with you, again. Maybe it was supposed to feel like something special, but it didn't.

It just felt like the way things should be. And the way things just aren't."