#tumblr better not delete me for being trans bro

[kedakirahei]

Woah. an actual, proper intro/pin post?

Hey! Yeah, I'm finally making one of these. about time, too! ALT ACC: @c4tt41l-the-stupid

I go by LITERALLY dozens of names, but four that I will always respond to are Zeph/Zephyr, C4TT41L, and Keda. im the guy who cant make up his mind when it comes to shipping characters haha, multishipping fun

I am not religious and never will be. When I swear to something or the like, i most likely will replace a word with 'Void' or 'The ancients', 'Three Moons', 'By the stars', 'In the name of THE DREAMER', etc...

I am a yucky little self-shipper (Thats right- I ship my ocs and self inserts with canon characters). If you don't like that, please do not bother me about it. I don't want to hear it. If it bothers you that much, you can just block my account or ignore me. Thank you.

Transmasculine! Please respect my pronouns- HE/THEY preferred!

I accept everyone and anyone, xenogenders, neopronouns, homoflexible, etc.

...well.. almost everyone..

....Except for you disgusting Pro/Com shippers, Ableist, "Super Straights", TERFS, Shota/Lolicons, "MAP"/Pedos, Zoos, Etc, Get off of my fucking blog, NOW. You are NOT welcome here, not now, and not EVER. That goes for all other problematic and disgusting-acting people. if you fall under the general DNI list, do not interact with me.

Despite being English (U.S.A), I tend to be really fuckin trash at speaking my own native tongue. I am trying to learn:

Spanish

Norwegian

Proud shipper of HOURGLASS/SPEEDRUN (SHATTERED OMORI x LICKETY-SPLIT KEL), SHUTTERBOMB (STRANGER X LETTERBREY) and NIGHTSHADE/OREOSUNDAE (STRANGER X OMORI)

Sometimes, I project onto characters i like, so hope that doesn't bother you guys! I mostly project onto my OCs, though. Those posts will often be dark in theme, so be wary.

■ ♡ ☆ I AM A MINOR. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE SEXUAL OR SUGGESTIVE JOKES TO ME UNLESS YOU'RE A FRIEND THAT I'M FINE WITH DOING THAT, ITS JUST COMMON DECENCY, DONT DONT FOLLOW ME IF YOU POST NSFW!☆ ♡ ■

stupid extra words and information under cut

• I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism at a pretty young age, at around 2.

• I have a really bad time reading tone over text. Please try not to be too rude to me, it actually hits a lot harder than you think. Alternatively, use tone tags.

• I make AUs then drop it like a hot potato. please dont expect me to be consistent with anything, especially not AUs and art i make.

• If I like alot of your posts, its because i have no life and constantly check my dash every day. I am chronically online.

• i will have periods of complete inactivity, especially when it comes to my drawings.

• I struggle to control how i am feeling and tend to have outbursts of anger commonly, tending to take that out on my characters and sometimes others. Please know if i say something rude, i do not mean it, and PLEASE TELL ME WHEN IM GOING OVERBOARD.

• My askbox is ALWAYS open until i say otherwise! Don't be afraid to speak to me, i don't bite!

• I am a Multifandomic Mess. I might switch fandoms in a week, then go back or whatever.

• I use "Dude", "Bro", "Homie", etc in a gender neutral way. If you dont like these nicknames, Do tell me and I will stop calling you it!!

• i use "<3" platonically when i am talking to a person. My actual heart goes to my fictional characters aha

• Tag requests are okay, don't be shy!

• I am a big shipper of characters, and i mean BIG, i am SO INDECISIVE.... Artisaint, SolarFlare NIGHTSHADE/OREOSUNDAE, SHUTTERBOMB, and HOURGLASS/SPEEDRUN are my main ones. I do like all other non-problematic ships tho!

• I repeat things on occasion. Do tell if I have repeated something over and over multiple times.

THE AMOUNT OF TAGS I AM GOING TO ADD IS PAIN.

[mildiva]

Against Talking, For Sharing Bathrooms

alright despite three paragraphs of my first draft getting deleted i will Bravely begin again

(Prescript: tumblr has marked this as “mature.” is it because of the word bathrooms? do they think I’m advocating for gay sex? scholars remain divided.)

scene: beautiful, not-quite-lazy not-quite-spring saturday. what else is a girl to do but go out dancing? i’d already missed a great party, perverse, the night before. frankly i expected it to be kinkier than a bunch of gay guys in jockstraps, but who else would pay $40-50 for a night out? or who else could? instead I’d spent the night trying to fit a very nice and hairy boy’s monster cock inside my designer pussy.

what was i talking about? right, dancing. the first thing i saw on RA looked good: A/S/L? at Neptune Room, hosted by Associate. A bar and a DJ I wanted to check out what could be better? I rotated a thousand outfits in my mind, landing on a slutty White Lotus guest look.

Whenever I go to a new bar or venue, I go straight to the bathroom so I can assess the pee situation and begin a preliminary vibe analysis. All gender bathroom? good sign. matrix on the TV? Also a good sign but points towards a nerdy clientele. as I started looking at everybody else in the bar I noticed one mean trans girl I know from around everybody else seemed… can I say this without sounding rude? Very 30- Somethings-bisexual-practicing-ethical-non-monogamy-coded. There’s nothing wrong with being that; I have a wonderful coworker who fits the description. However, not necessarily the group I most want to get down with or that I think will be the most fun to dance with. Unfortunately, my prejudices were right. 

I pee, I down a gin and tonic, and I shuffle my way to the teeny tiny dancefloor. Like, illegal basement Bushwick apartment bedroom. On a dancefloor that cramped, real dancers need every inch of real estate they can get it. So why was it filled with people standing there talking? As an empath, I get that not everybody wants to dance — however, the dance floor has a purpose, and if you don’t wanna dance, make space for the real dancing divas. Especially with music that’s supposed to be groovy as the party was billed! House, six different flavors of disco. hat is things and then switch to groove to die. Even punks need room to skank, and techno bros need room to move like those musical cactuses from animal crossing. Just putting it simply: if you don’t wanna dance, get off the dance floor, you can stand to the side or sit somewhere. Or fuck off! I’m not your mother.

Obviously, the crowding annoyed me to no end. So I get on Twitter and start complaining. This turns my night around. Ms. Gabberbitch69 told me come to Suns, a small theater frequented by film bros and film hoes where DJ Michelle Harvey was throwing For Your Pleasure, an Italo disco party. I chew on this, go to the bathroom again to take pictures (because I looked fucking good!). Aside from that, the only thing that’s really been a plus for me was a house cover (?) of a Björk song (Leash Called Love by the Sugarcubes) which frankly was the only reason I stayed as long as I did. When I came back to the dance floor people were at least two-stepping, so I thought I might stay for a while, but then simultaneously three different heterosexual looking couples started making out. When I saw that, I closed my tab and got my white ass out of there.  

A 10 minute drive and 30 minute parking adventure later, I roll up at Suns. I knew it would be good when I walked in and felt the temperature rise 30 degrees. Both floors were absolutely packed, so I put in my time waiting at the bar, one eye on the bartender wearing a top surgery scar tank. After my G&T is drained, I squeeze into a spot on the dancefloor and groove in my allotted half-square-foot of space. Some Japanese movie about… magical cats?… is being projected on the wall behind the DJ. It’s stunning. I don’t think I’ve intentionally gone dancing with a crowd that straight since the last time I went to Fl@sh (censored as to not invoke its demonic energy), but it was still a good crowd! I felt slightly out of place as one of five people dressed slutty but I made it work. The music was exactly as described: so 80s people should be doing coke off the tables.

(Okay coming back to this a month later I’ve dragged on far too long, lemme finish this)

I spent the rest of the night partying as I know how: dancing until I neared heat exhaustion, running outside to chat with friends of friends and friends to cool off, debating getting one more drink, sharing a bathroom and a bump with a man i was flirting with whose mouth unfortunately tasted too foul to continue anything with. The last DJ of the night closed with “Waking The Witch” by Kate Bush, a song I hadn’t listened to since starting SSRIS. So unexpected and dreamy.

Was I going somewhere with any of this? Not sure. Looking forward to the next For Your Pleasure though!

[sevdrag]

yo, new ask box rules

ask box will almost always be open for anons because every now and then someone sends me the good shit like "what if crowley and aziraphale became cockroaches to survive the apocalypse" that really make me think, and any number of laughable death threats is worth that glorious level of absolute crack, trust me

but i want to reiterate that i'm not going to be posting every ask i get. if it's worded in a way that might rain some wank on me and mine, i'll probably just delete it. no harm no foul, and i'm not gonna like defriend someone over some awkward phrasing -- but answering some asks that maybe weren't phrased in the woke-est way brought some real shit across the path of my trans and genderqueer followers, and i'm real big done with that.

even though the ASKS were anon and MY answer was as generic as it could get, I got about 7 death threats, and if they hit me they're one step closer to hitting trans and genderqueer friends, fans, and followers who should feel safe here. this isn't about me; it's about them.

so while in the past i might have had a policy of full transparency, aka i'll answer any ask (unless i lose track of time oh no), from now on i'm using my own judgment on whether something is better left unanswered.

if you submit an ask and i don't reply you can submit another one to ask why, or DM me -- and sometimes the answer is going to be "bro i was working" because contrary to popular opinion i'm not on tumblr every minute. (that's my queue at work! is sev live? we just don't know.) but sometimes i may be able to explain gently why a certain phrasing or concept might not be the best thing to say.

and hell, at the end of the day, this is my space. this blog is run by three coyotes in a trenchcoat drinking brandy. most everyone here has their own space too.

as for shitty anons, if you're shitty but funny, you're probably in the right place. TERFs obviously shouldn't be here because i hate your kind, but if you have to interact, i'm going to be very careful about how i respond. not because i care about your snowflake feelings, but because i have a sizeable platform here and i'm not interested in sharing it with transphobes, biphobes, homophobes, racists, or haters in general. i'll respond only if it makes me laugh or if you need to be exposed for some horrible shit that people should add to their block list.

THAT BEING SAID i love crazy stupid asks and we've all had a fucktime of a weekend so while i'm here getting some work done, send me the money, babes

asskssss

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

a fic with brendon dallon and breezy is revolting it’s obvious they don’t like b or at least want to do some serious damage to his reputation

i was talking about vices era fic of them, but ok. for goodness sake, their kids used to call b and spencer uncle. the four (her, b, sarah, dallon) used to joke around together sexually, she’s reblogged brallon posts on her tumblr vices and twtl era, and i’ve no doubt she was (is?) familiar with and at least was supportive of fandom’s shipping of dallon and brendon, including threesome things involving her.

breezy even now has repeatedly said she’s talking about zack, not b eg that she won’t speak for b, when she’s discussing zack and management she’s not talking about b, that she stands by most of the zack allegations but implies she’s incredulous about most of what’s being said about b, etc. breezy has also said she’s got a lot of dirt on zack, some of which she’s hinted at, and she could definitely be dragging down zack a lot more heavily and more explicitly than she is eg i shudder to think about how she knows that zack fetishizes amputees, what zack said and/or showed to her. she’s actually exercising a lot of restraint considering what she knows/has experienced, what evidence she still has access to, and the crap she’s getting from much of fandom.

the closest she’s come to saying b was guilty of any accusations was in a private convo (that was posted for a short time before being deleted because breezy asked for it to be taken down) that she had with a woman who claimed that she was talking with b, and had a friend who was abused by b online eg got her to send him nudes then spread them around, gaslit her, told people she was crazy, the sadistic sexual convos she was subjected to, etc. this is the situation that turned out to be a catfisher (probably chelsey) and breezy seemed to cautiously think those two women were credible. which in a sense, they were, because it did happen to them, but not by b. they were abused, and honestly thought it was him, but it was not him. 

hell, when lana (who was casually involved with him in 2007) came out, saying she was talking with b (she later said it was catfishing and not b), that he did the same things to her, etc I went a bit scorched earth on his ass and believed lana, kat, and the others that thought they were talking online with b. because i believed lana and talked to her about it (you can see screenshots online or check out my side of the convo and the parts she didn’t delete of hers after she learned it was a catfisher on my twitter if you want), does that mean i hate b or want to do damage to his reputation? 

lana also says that most of that open letter from 07 was mostly untrue, not written by her, and contained inside jokes that someone who knew both her and b wrote. she did say things with b weren’t great, but isn’t clear on what happened then and wants to let it go. if she did come out with specifics, i would believe her. this is the part of the allegations over this summer that gives me the most pause, i find the most potentially concerning (eg credible, most of the accusations are anonymous accounts that were sometimes deleted the same day or “someone i talked to said this” or from shane morris or things easily debunked or a matter of interpretation/analysis or differences in opinion/politics. there are also some things i find upsetting that haven’t been brought up publicly, aside from me that he’s said) and i wish we did know, but lana’s privacy and life now should be what’s respected over finding out what happened.

i think her views on b are more complicated than people think, regardless of how those people think about her (eg she’s long gotten a lot of flak by panic fandom) or about b (eg if they’re now on the cancel b train or not). the latest dallon has said anything about b afaik is him saying they were still friends, they got along, etc. for one, if breezy hated b she wouldn’t have said this last month. 

(from this screenshot, by a fan of b/panic worried about zack and b’s friendship. i don’t think the original post is up still)

this sounds like someone worried about him, who wished better for him. it also sounds like she’s sad that zack/the situations with zack that breezy and dallon had pushed them away from b. if she wanted b to crash and burn and hated him, she would want b to stay involved with zack, wouldn’t care about the friendships zack had cost him, she wouldn’t think zack was a bad influence on b but just someone who brought out what he truly was or even that b was the bad influence on zack, etc. it also makes me wonder what b would be like had he never met zack and/or have never had him longterm in his life, and i wouldn’t be surprised if breezy wondered the same thing. 

i don’t think it’s as simple as b would be an guileless harmless untouched by internalized masculinity/male entitlement little angel if it were not for zack’s bad influence, but i definitely think b shapes himself, emphasizes certain aspects of himself according to who he is with/is talking to (eg do we think b acts the same with zack vs sarah vs taylor swift vs male friends on twitch. or young female fans vs female fans his own age vs gay/bi male fans vs casual hetero bro-y male fans...? i think not, for better and for worse). and the more one acts like a “typical male” eg sexually violent language, misogynist language, porn, male entitlement, etc the more one becomes one.

also, all sorts of things are being said and spread around now, including the assertion that b regularly exposed his genitals on stage at shows! it’s not breezy’s job or responsibility to go chasing all these accusations down and debunking them. if anything, her doing so would draw far more attention to them. it might even get more people believing he’s done all these things and that these interpretations are accurate eg about g/g/b and how what b and dallon have said about it has been twisted (i don’t think it should be their gay anthem, i think hurricane should be haha, but i can recognize that most of what is said about it by b haters is bunk), how b supposedly fetishizes bi women because he is drawn to them eg openness, knowing what and who they like. (see aside at the end.) i wasn’t going to link to that one and draw more attention to it but it is so patently ridiculous and easily proven to be false i couldn’t resist. this is how easily some people will believe and spread things, and no doubt some people will see that post and believe parts of it, including that one. indeed, they already have.

the truth is a lot more complicated than b is the best innocent angel vs is a sexual predator, breezy is a truthtelling queen vs horrible vengeful bitch dragging even b down, although i think it’s clear i like breezy and find her very credible. hell, if she disclosed things about b i’d believe her, but she has been clear that she’s not talking about him eg the gaslighting post. i’d default believe anyone who put their name and/or face to accusations involving them by default, with an open mind to more evidence coming forth to support or discredit the allegation. it’s sad to see that the only person actually trying to delve into these accusations is really, really wrapped up in b and seeing him as a pure angel. (and i thought i was unobjective and too “my sweet soft innocent lil boy” about b.) most others just... accept them, either to disbelieve it all or to believe it all as The Truth. we don’t even know if someone who is the age they say they are is behind them. for all we know, a 40 year old man mad that his daughter is obsessed with b could be behind those twitter anon accusations. hell, chesley or another stalker/catfisher could be behind some. shane morris could be lying (which is likely), or could have been duped himself. we don’t even know *who* made those accusations, let alone have had a fact checking process to verify them (indeed, we couldn’t have for the most of the assault accusations, eg the anonymous accusers are unknown so can’t verify that they were where they say there were). samantha has done some good work around this, and seems to be the only one trying to do fact finding work, but again, is the opposite of impartial. it would be good to see an impartial, proper fact checking source do what they can around this.

---

(everyone has preferences ffs. i prefer bi men. does that mean i fetishize bi men? i honestly think a lot of teens and early 20s people think having sexual preferences or orientations around others’ sexual orientation, sex, personality, body types, etc is somehow bigotry and fetishization inherently. that a man being attracted to heavier/curvier women over thin is BIGOTRY AND DEHUMANIZING FETISHISM HOW DARE HE. that a woman only wanting to date other lesbians, or fellow butches, or... is BIGOTRY HOW DARE SHE. lesbians are such oppressors!!! that everyone must be open to being attracted to, dating, having sex with, etc everyone, and only maybe gender preferences or hard lines is ok, and gender is understood to be what someone calls themselves, with some fashion thrown in. and of course, phallocentricism, being into dick only, etc is still mostly ok, and males get to have a sexual orientation if they say so eg can only be interested in females not males, eg (to use the lingo so it’s understood) trans women are allowed to say they only want to date/have sex with “cis” women, or men can say they’re only into “cis” women. but females? how dare they. everyone knows females are supposed to be uwu soft subby bisexuals/pansexuals into personality and open to everyone who wants them and not have boundaries or a sexuality, sexual orientation of their own... my dear sweet summer children... 

it’s also interesting that this belief goes hand in hand with being against the evil bigotry of kink shaming. so male sadism is a-ok, no matter how extreme, damaging, injurious, violent, cruel, etc as long as he can get someone to comply, but a woman only being into other females and vulva? genital fetishist!!! suddenly, kink/sexuality shaming is a ok)

[starryrogue]

Hey. Below the cut is a LONG (2 page google docs) rant on being a gay sff book fan and the intersection of being a gay man in m/m spaces and book stuff. Just me ranting into the internet void. probs gonna delete this later so dont reblog/ or @ me or w/e

Before I get started, a disclaimer. This is a series of observations and rants based on my lived experience as a gay man in book and fan spaces. This isn't a formal critique or callout or call for action. Just an expression of confusion, frustration and desire. This isn’t me trying to dictate who can read and write and express m/m fiction. This isn't me saying “How dare women find enjoyment in things” since shaming women for “liking thing” is a long and complicated history. None of this has been checked for numbers and stats. There are a lot of generalizations below. There are probably more lgbt people engaging than I perceive. THERE IS A LOT OF GENERALIZING. This isnt an argument or formal essay.   I emphasize, this is me, a gay man, ranting and reflecting on my experience. Now that we have that out of the way

On a fundamental level, M/M book spaces are predominantly women filled. Starting at the top of the process, authors (check goodreads), Publishing (my industry and the results of a recent survey showing employment stats in publishing), Readers and engagement (harder to say stat wise but checking goodreads comments), and Fandom (more just a lived experience) are mostly women . So as a Gay Dude its confusing. On one hand, I feel kind of if I'm entering a space not meant for me, a man entering a women’s. But on the other hand my identity is the subject of so much work, both properly published and fanwork. Is this a space I can enter? 

Why is this the case? Why are women writing about this? Why is it finding an audience with other women? Is it a result of all of the above aspects just being woman heavy and it's a statistical result that most genre fiction being written/read by women? Fandom, shipping and M/M zines and fic are historically not led by men? Why? At the inception of fan culture, were there gay men engaging in shipping and using that as an avenue to explore male sexuality? Why have I only heard of fandom moms and not dads? 

Please read none of these as acuistory. I am generally inquisitive and would like an answer with historical context and data. Again, it's hard finding a balance between being a man commenting/genrailizing on a genre/hobby predominaltey for women and also being gay and wanting to engage in M/M content since again, its part of my identity being reprisented and commented on. Obviously not all the people i'm generalizing are straight, or cis. There are probably a lot of wlw, trans and nb people in these circles but I can't imagine it's the majority.I’m worried this might come off as misogynistic?

But then comes the real life scenario where I go to Scifi/fantasy book events that feature mlm leads and relationships and at a glance) I’m like one of 3 guys in a room of straight women? (again, generalizing) and I think, “why are y’all here? I'm here b/c I’m gay, and this book is gay? What are you getting out of this relationship? Where are my Gay SFF bros?”

A lot of YA SFF M/M content seems to be coming from author moving out of fan spaces, using fic as a way to practice their craft. Is this an equivalent of stright bro enjoying lesbian porn? Maybe not in YA SFF but BL/Yaoi has alway been pretty for women, by women? What about all the Mass Market romance? Straight up romance and smut between guys? Is it enjoyable b/c its two dudes making out and the author and audience are attracted to men so why not make it two men? Is it the “cultural taboo” around gayness that makes it hot? In all fairness I’ve only read 2 or 3 Mass Market/Ebook gay romances and they were Okay (like 7/10ish?) but that's not a good sample size. Again, why are women/ straight or otherwise getting to depict and dominate a market about gay men? I really suspect that women who are into men drastically out number MLM and also women being into men has been less stigmatized (Generally) than men depicting gay romance and sex. 

I wrote a post about being a gay man and liking love between men for a masculine. A kind or romance and intimacy seeped in masculinity kind of  thing and a lot the likes I got (or could identify) were women. As a gay dude i want to intereact with other MLM about M/M media since like this is suppsoed to be depiciting our kind of sex and romance but it hard to find any? (I'm not looking craaaazy hard but it's frustrating that its not a default) but where are the mlm talking about gay relationships on tumblr and goodreads?

I’m not trying to dictate who can write and read and publish this stuff. It's just isolating. There are a couple things I could go on about like depictions of mlm in shipping culture or like why all the top Tapas comics are BL but I think that's a separate issue. 

And now for some content rant 

As far as canon m/m content in books, up until recently it came in 3 flavors. Literary Tragedy, YA coming out Angst, and Mass Market Romance. Comics are a little better but not by much. Growing up I had like Magnus/Alec in that C.Claire series and Wallace Wells from Scott Pilgram and I think that was it. There has been a recent move in Sci-fi Fantasy (SFF) to be more diverse but generally its a lot of YA with a little less coming out angst. All my faves are still genreally written by women but I think the queer women and NB authors do it best IMO. 

I love SFF, but also I’m an adult so I am aging out of YA. Also YA coming out stuff especially contemporary is an easy way to get me anxious AF. Long story short, being a gay teen is tough and Id preferer not to relive coming out. I wish I had things like Carry On and How to repair a Mechanical Heart as a teen, but alas, I did not. Not that these books have no value, just there is still a gap in the market fot gay adult genre fiction(also why are straight women depicting coming out stories? Altruism?)

Give me that adult genre fiction with a gay romance b-plot please. (shout out to TOR for being market leaders but i need to do a deeper dive into indie presses). Shout out to things like Witchmark and Amberlough and The Last Sun. All great SFF stories in other worlds and full of magic and plot but also, dudes kissing. The one thing is gay authors have a tendecy to make thier books have darker topics like abuse, sexual assult/rape, homophonia, hard core drugs and violence, which i’m not going to deny. Let authors navigate the waers of gay culture in thier art. But I just want to read things like Juno Steel, queer AF but none of the homophbia and trauma attached. These asks are purely self interested, but I know there is a market for it.

(Also, there is this weird trend of Homophobia-Lite ™ where we arnt going to have the characters be bullied or outed or beaten/disowned but they need to “grow up” and get wives and families. Which on one hand is not great but on the other hand I like the way it reflects the lived experience of being ashmaed of your secuality but without the harsher traumas of the world. Its like me being gay in NYC in an artsy inudsrty. No one realy cares I’m gay and out but there are still little things that give me pause and some shame b/c interlized homophbia is a think. I think the SFF book makes it the best of both worlds of exploring homophobia without the darker themes. Ok end sidebar)

I have more thoughts on podcast content and fan spaces/shipping culture but this rant is already long. So I’ll leave it here. 

Probs gonna delete this after a day or 2. This was mostly an exercise for screaming into the void at some gay nerd frustrations. This rant is not without flaws or critique. But again, just a rant. A gay dudes nerdy rant about fantasy books. 

[archmage--khadgar]

Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah.  But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog”  and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”.  And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy.  I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy.  (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer.  :T

[the-night-puncher]

So my original plan for tonight was to rewatch Knives Out, but since the movie theather near my house hates me its only showing two movies, a sequel to a comedy ive never seen and the stars wars. And since my friend refused to watch the comedy i actually watched ros and wow is it something.

Seriously ive seen so many posts complaining about this movie, from so many people, i thought i knew what to expect but i was not ready.

I was expecting to be annoyed and bored, wich i was at times, but i was not expecting it to be this funny

So since i’m trying to post more in my little space in the sinking ship that is tumblr i wanted to share the things that made me actually laugh out loud in rise of skywalker:

- not only they bring palpatine back in the opening crawl but the way it happens is just... amazing. Palpatine apparently just sends everyone a voice mail being like “i lived bitch” and promising revenge... like thats it, no more explanation needed.

- Snoke clones, they actually had snoke clones. we were so close to having the snoke clone army in the throne-like seat... we could’ve had it all.

- c3po going along in the adventure, i mean after the snoke clones cameo i was ready for the true otp c3prey to finally became canon.

- the little alien girl that just needs to know rey’s last name.was she filling a form or something?

- that part where the movie expects me to care in any way about c3p0 losing his memory, seriously i don’t care... please stop with the dramatic speech i don’t.... no really it could actually kill him and i stil.... oh my god why is the music acting like this is something.

- Did the makers of c3p0 made it so he would use his evil eyes and voice when translating sith, or did the little rat man decide it would look cool?

- the scene 3 hours later(why is this movie so long) where r2d2 brings the golden-waste-of-time’s memory back making everything in that previous scene even more pointless (why was c3p0 in this but rose had to stary behind again?)

- Poe is straight. Did you guys know that Poe is straight? Here is  a female human he had sexual intercourse with. Because he likes woman. BECAUSE HE IS STRAIGHT!!!!!.... Anyway here is Poe hugging Finn like his life depends on it.

- “They sold you to keep you safe.”

-”THEY SOLD YOU TO KEEP YOU SAFE!!”(I don’t know if that is the actual line, i watched it dubbed but seriously WTF)

- “She is not on Jakku so don’t even bother looking there. No really bro, i know we were there with her, and then we left without her... but she’s not there. Would i lie to you? Jakku is the last place i would hide my daughter on, so don’t ever look for her there.”(I’m 100% certain this is the actual line)

- PALPATINE FUCKS. HE HAS FUCKED BEFORE AND SHALL FUCK AGAIN.(who was the mother by the way?, who was the unsung hero that climbed this everest) 

- Palpatine doesn’t know about the jedi love connection. His puppet knew, his puppet who he controled even claimed to have created the connection, but Palpatine didnt know. Is this because he is an old, old man? Is his mind just not what it used to be? did he just kinda forgot about the iron fleet?

- Rey blowing up Chewie...sorry

- Hux being the spy. the pettiness...mood.

- Hux just dying like a background character, so we can focus on the real secondary villain... general old guy.(Is he from the old movies?was jj expectin me to recognize that guy?i can’t even remember his name and i’m pretty sure they say it a lot, but my brain just stopped listening after general) 

-The random former stormtroopers that just... show up and then we all pretend to have a connection with this lady for the last five hours of movie.(Why is it so long?)

 But really the idea of other stormtroopers being inspired by Finn to break out of the first order would have been a cool story to actually explore, instead of just “we all just magically good cause force, rip to all brainwashed stormtroopers but we are different.” 

- Leia just dies because.... she knew they had run out of deleted scenes with her i guess.

- Alien Lupita explaining Leia has to die cause... she needs all her power to... do stuff. important stuff.

- JJ’s friends that get more screentime than Rose.(not really funny but...)

- Glados Palpatine. Eveytime he appeared on screen i would start laughing, to the point my friend got mad at me. Am i the only one who can see this? Why is he Glados? Whatever the reason this made me laugh the most, i literally got out of the theather singing still alive.

- Kinda heartwarming that palpatine’s plan was to build a evil empire for his grandaughter. He really loved her T.T

- it took a while for me to realize, because it was so dark. but rey and palpatine were surrounded by evil bleaches filled with evil minions rooting for palpatine, and i thought that was really wholesome, to show they were all there cheering him on.

- every sith is inside palpatine... hehe

- “If you give in to your anger and kill me you’re evil. if i force you to kill me you are also evil.”

- Palpatine can possess people who kill him i guess?

- every jedi is inside Rey... hehe

- Also since he voldemorted himself to death, did palpatine possess himself?

- Leia’s body just disappears because.... reasons. I guess alien Lupita knows why but she’s not even gonna bother explaining this one, cause it’s so obvious.

- The gay scene... i’m gonna be honest, i teared up when the slug and jj’s friend hugged, this is the representation we need.(but really i almost missed the kiss, and i’m certain i never saw those women before, and im also sure they got thanosed the moment the camera left them)

-POE IS A STRAIGHT MAN WHO LOVES KISSING WOM... oh my god is that finn?

- The last scene, I actually liked that she ended up in Tatooine. Bringin everything full circle by showing Rey in the same planet baby Yoda and his cool mercenary dad once visited was a great way to end the trilogy.

- Rey, her two ghost parents, and a robot that i guess she stole from Poe. truly the happiest ending.

- Why is everyone so obsessed with last names? I bet that old woman was a tax collector.”Oh you’re a Skywalker? your relatives left the planet withou paying their light bill, it’s you debt now loser.” and luke just awkwardly fades away while rey stares at him.

Honestly there were parts of the movie i genuinely enjoyed: the han solo scene, pretty much every Ben solo scene, pretty much every trio scene(the whole thing with poe wanting to know what finn was going to say makes it seem like he is jealous of rey and i hate that it goes nowhere) and i actually love the part where rey puts her lightsaber behind her, and ben taking it from behind his. 

But overall the Snoke clone army would have been a better plot. I mean no one in this movie even told Rey she looks pretty with her head cut open.

Also fuck JJ for what he did to Rose, seriously if you didn’t watch the last jedi you wouldn’t even know her name.Fuck him and this cowardly movie for doing this to Kelly Marie Tran.