#trying to work on different topics so there's a diversity in my readings for all
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Yo! Your PACs are 🔥, would def love to see more 👑
Thanks , I'm working on it !!
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Day 320: The Physical Manifestation Of Cancelled Plans Gets Me Off Because Deep Down I Kinda Didn’t Want To Go
Truthfully, I felt a little defeated when I first thought about what I was going to say about this tingler. Mostly because yesterday, I was talking about how much I love and am trying to incorporate the advice of adding more structure and intention to everything in life, both to work and play. And, here, we have a protagonist who has made an art of that practice, and it isn't exactly treating her well.
However, after sitting with it for a little while, I see what's going on here. This tingler and yesterday's tingler were published just a couple weeks apart. Tinglers impart a lot of life philosophy and advice alongside the erotica. And, a huge constant, nearly as prominent as the overarching idea of proving love, is "everything in moderation". So, yesterday's tingler resonated with me as someone who generally benefits from adding more structure... but that's just one perspective on structuring one's life.
This is why I like reading many tinglers, and ones that tackle similar topics, because they always end up adding up to a complex picture that shows how nuanced it can be to tackle a particular struggle. There is no one-size-fits-all life strategy for Tingleverse protagonists. Like all of us on the top layer of the Tingleverse, they're all individuals with their own circumstances that determine what's best for them. This kind of diversity in tingler protagonists feels just as meaningful to me as the diversity of genders and sexualities that has grown since the start of the Tingleverse. (I'll admit, the sex scene of this one really did it for me as well, so I definitely have also been appreciating the added diversity of lesbian tinglers in my own way, too.)
There's a commonality between today's tingler, and yesterday's, with their seemingly different approaches to adding or subtracting structure to one's life. It should have been obvious to me sooner. Either way, it's about proving love to oneself, by creating the kind of life in which one can experience joy and thrive, whatever that looks like to the individual.
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Allergies
This is a rewrite of one of my oldest shorts. As a writer - especially one who posts online - never worry about redoing some old work and posting the new one. Artists often will show their old work against their new right? No reason writers can't do the same either. Be proud of all your work, but feel free to show your improvement too!
The small station was in a popular shipping lane, so it had high amounts of traffic. Even though the humans had brought their wormhole generator drives, many people were still used to using the Gate system. Retrofitting every starship would be too costly, take too much time, and (some worried) would shift the power balance towards the humans too much. One didn't have to be human to be set in one's ways.
Because of the high amounts of traffic, most of the people on the station worked in the service industry. Providing meals, entertainment, refreshments, repairs and other such things, the population was quite diverse. In their off hours, they mingled and socialized.
Generi stood there awkwardly, still wearing the uniform of the trinket shop he worked in, his tail drooped and his ears low, trying to make sense of it. “Explain allergies to me one more time?”
Meg sniffed and wiped her eyes, but she smiled softly. She was sitting at a table in the resident's lounge. At her feet was a bouquet of flowers “Our bodies have this compound, called histamine. It's released in response to an attack - an internal attack - on our bodies. It's meant to help our bodies expel an invader. You know about itching? I've seen K'laxi do it. It's one of the regulators of our itching response. Mind, you, Histamine does way more than that, but we're talking about allergies right now."
"Wait, what do you mean by attack?" One of his ears perked up. This went from embarrassing to interesting very quckly.
"I know you have bacteria Generi, I also know your bodies digest food for energy. What happens when you get an infection?" Meg said, raising an eyebrow. Her sniffles and tears had subsided now that the bouquet was away from her face.
"Oh, I've never heard it called an 'attack.' Uh, our body temperature lowers, and we go into a kind of torpor. We lay down somewhere safe and stay still. Since the bacteria only can thrive in a narrow range of temperatures our bodies cool until our immune systems can take care of it." Generi puts his paw on the chair opposite Meg and looks at her, questioningly. She nods and he takes a seat.
"Really? Cools? But wouldn't that have put your ancestors at risk for predation- wait you didn't have predators, you were apex in your niche, weren't you?"
"I'm... not really sure. I'm not an anthropologist."
"Me neither, but I think I remember reading something like that. Our bodies are different. They raise their temperature to fight infections. It's more dangerous than your torpor because we can... well, die from it." Meg shrugs. "It doesn't happen too much anymore, but it used to be more of a thing."
"That sounds like a human, yes. In a race between killing your infection and killing yourself." Generi's tail flicks - a grin.
"We're getting off topic." Meg gestures towards the flowers, "in the case of an allergic reaction, our bodies call for histamine to be released when a harmless-" She glanced over and saw Generi's face "Fine, harmless - for us - substance enters our body, but we treat it like an invader."
"And this happens to everyone?" Generi was amazed at this impromptu biology lesson. It certainly seemed like humans were nearly constantly at war with something. Their own bodies, themselves, their neighbors, no wonder they were so good at it.
"No, not everyone, but a lot of people. It's fairly common. Anyway, in some people the body overreacts to the substance and produces histamine which causes the allergic reaction. Sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes and body, congestion, things like that."
Generi flicked his ears and nodded, combing the two species gestures for assent. "Okay, I understand now. So the flowers...."
"Yes, I'm allergic to Roses." Meg blew her nose.
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Generi was despondent. "I read about giving humans flowers as a sign of affection and I...I wanted..."
"Oh, I understand the intent Generi, I'm touched, really!" Meg reached over and patted his paw. She noticed his fur rise just a little bit. "I'm just allergic to Roses. Next time, try a different flower." She stood. "Wherever did you get them?"
"One of the humans over in Little Earth is growing them. He has a whole garden." He voice was filled with wonder.
"I had no idea. I can't believe the station authorities allowed it, some human plants are downright... prolific." Meg stared at Generi for a second. "How about you take me down to see them? I'll take an allergy pill first, and we can look at them together before it's shut down and it has to all go into the incinerator."
"You mean, like a date?" Generi's ears stood straight up, and his fur rippled once.
Meg started to laugh but held it back so as to not hurt his feelings. "Sure, just like a date. It'll be fun."
#humans are deathworlders#humans are space orcs#humans are space australians#humans are fun#sci fi writing#writing#jpitha#humans and aliens#humans are space capybaras
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Okay so I see some people are debating what the monster from Still Wakes the Deep is. I'm inspired by the support from my Death Angel post, so I'm gonna try giving an analysis. Now science is not my strong suit, I'm much better at zoology, but here we go.
Of course, spoilers ahead!
So, the entity comes to light in act one. While Caz is being yelled at by his power drunk boss, Rennick, a worker going by the name Gibbo calls up to say there's an issue with the drill, something highlighted earlier by another worker. Rennick orders the drilling anyway, and thus begins the nightmare, as the drill seems to unearth and awaken a destructive parasite out for revenge. But I don't think that's as deep as it goes, pun intended.
Let's say, the creature is a parasite. A form of near sentient bacteria, though take that description with a grain of salt, I'm no scientist. Parasites simply cannot live on their own. That's an objective fact. They need a host. They exist within another for survival and breeding purposes, and multiply and spread through the body of another.
Parasites, bacteria and even fungi can live underground for years, and have been discovered to do so. Ancient lifeforms have been discovered just under the surface of earth, let alone deep underneath the ground and in the bottom of our oceans, one of the most complex and diverse biomes that our current science has barely scratched the surface of. It's highly likely this creature is a self replicating bacteria or parasite that was unearthed by the drill, and took up new hosts to survive in this change of environment.
But not every host worked. You can see half transformed, mutilated bodies everywhere, and some that haven't even changed at all. These bodies could not support the parasite and shortly died.
However, a few select hosts DID end up surviving; Gibbo, Muir, Rennick, Addair and Trots. It's unclear what sets these people apart from the others, and I don't know enough about this topic to claim an answer. But I certainly do think these folks died soon into the transformation, and are not fully conscious in the body. They frequently repeat terms and phrases, and never say anything you might expect from an entity possessing them, implying it's borrowing words and sentences that have been said by the host before, in other circumstances.
The entity plays with Caz's memories and definitely the others' too, though not all of them good. It wouldn't be a surprise to realise that's where it's getting information about it's host, as it reads the memories inside the brain to learn faces, names, and even the host's personality. Which makes me wonder, does it even realise what it looks like? Does the creature itself actually realise it's a parasite? Or does it completely and fully believe it is the person it's connected itself to? It almost downloads their personality and tries to pretend like everything is completely normal.
Let's talk about arguably the best monster (in my opinion), Muir. Muir moves about the area he frequently worked as what I assume was an engineer. He roams the familiar ground, almost unsure of why he's by himself. He often calls out to his coworkers, wondering out loud why they're treating him like he's different. Sure, this could be the real Muir's consciousness slipping in and out of the seams, but it's highly unlikely he would still be alive. Much like the zombie fungus, as it's often called, the host is not alive when the fungus is controlling it, and is merely a puppet. If the spiders it was corrupting could talk, I daresay, they'd be acting like them. Taking their place in the world, even if they don't realise it.
But every animal needs to eat. And eventually, that body is going to run out of tasty, tasty neurons. Like I said earlier, a parasite needs to spread. It'll breed, then spread to another to keep it's species alive. By infiltrating a 'pack' of animals, it will take anything to spread to the others. Which is exactly what the parasite does whenever it sees another human. Either that, or it will consume them, theoretically to feed the host so it stays alive, while keeping those tasty, tasty neurons for itself. You can almost see this process with Innes, as the elevator ascends without him, and you just faintly see Muir doing something in the distance. Likely consuming him for nutrients, as he was not connected to the parasite yet.
Next, there's Addair.
Addair, much like Muir, patrols familiar ground. Even though Addair himself wasn't even in that area when the drill struck. Now Muir was actively in that familiar space in the beginning, and it's safe to assume that's his place of transformation. But Addair was eating in the cafeteria when the incident happened, not deep down in the engine. Did he go down when the impact happened, while Caz was unconscious? Maybe. But the lights were fine then, and the engine wasn't the problem, so he didn't need a reason to. Plus, he doesn't seem like the type to be work dedicated, more inconvenience dedicated. Considering what I said about the parasite (badly) taking their place in society, did it go to his place of work after detecting that as his 'natural environment', per se?
Plus, unlike Muir, who greets the situation with quotes of confusion, fear and anxiety, Addair is instantly aggressive. Even an asshole like Addair is likely to panic if conscious in this situation, so the nervousness was Gibbo and Muir exclusive. But Addair and Rennick become immediately angry upon seeing Caz, as they actively disliked him in life, and so the parasite processes him as a foe to it's host. I thought that was neat.
Now another take I have admittedly heard from several other people, but I thought was worth mentioning. The monsters are incredibly similar to sea creatures. Which means this underwater bacteria was possibly leaking out already, and transforming our animals, not enough to completely corrupt them, but enough to twist their bodies. Think of the appearances of deep, deep sea creatures, such as the anglerfish. Isn't it possible this parasite was responsible for their uncanny appearance, in this universe? Muir especially looks like a spider crab, or perhaps even a bigfin squid.
Which again, is a deep sea creature. Rennick also reminds me of a blobfish once removed from the pressure of the deep sea. Addair seems very jellyfish-like, but may be something else very... tick-like. And even Trots gives me major merfolk vibes, with how untouched his torso is in comparison to his lower half.
This parasite could have been feeding off the neurons and breeding through our very ecosystem as the ground slowly gave away above it. The drill unearthing the source likely gave it a burst of control as so much energy was released at once, hence why it was so fast to literally spiral out of control.
But Scotland, by all means, is not the only place in the world connected to the ocean. Sure, they destroyed this batch, but other forms of this parasite live on elsewhere on earth. And the explosion may not have even destroyed it. It definitely would've destroyed the host bodies, yes, but certain bacterias can survive impressive damage, even heat hot enough to burn off human flesh. We'd best hope this is not one of those bacterias.
I didn't really get as far with this observation as I did with other horror studies, but I had fun nonetheless! Like I said, I'm really better with zoology (hence the sudden enthusiasm when I started on sea creatures), but I loved Still Wakes the Deep SO much that I just wanted to write down my thoughts. If you have any other theories, feel free to add them!
Also if I used your pictures/gifs and you would like me to add credit, I am so so sorry, I will absolutely add that as soon as you say so, I just got most of these off Google and couldn't find most the original sources. So yeah if you'd like me to add your name and mention, or you want me to remove it in general, feel free to just say and I'll add it, I don't bite I promise. Well... I won't bite YOU.
Sorry sorry, had to make a zombie reference--
#ahhh I was supposed to try sleeping 4 hours ago#insomnia crossed with ADHD is one fun mix#anyway still wakes the deep is an absolutely incredible experience that I highly recommend#here come the tags#still wakes the deep#swtd#muir#addair#gibbo#cameron mcleary#is that how you spell it?#caz mcleary#rennick#trots#long post#game analysis#tw body horror#tw spiders#kinda#muir looks spider-y#tw thalassophobia#for the squid#bigfin squid#zoology#tw gif warning#still wakes the deep spoilers#tw gore
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PAC: What Do You Need to Know About Your Love Life Right Now?
Hello beautiful people. The topic of today's reading will be about love! This is my first PAC love reading that is features photos of the Queen of Love Songs herself, cause why not? I try to vary in topics so that I can deliver diversity amongst my reading topics. I do offer personal love readings as well as financial, career, education, general and readings about the other relationships in your life. Without further ado, please choose the image of Beyoncé that resonates with you that resonates with you.
Top Left-to-Bottom Right (1-4):
Pile 1: Pile One, you’re down bad, girl! I feel like this pile is in a monogamous relationship right now and you may be scared of what is to come. I feel like this relationship is new. This could be your first serious relationship that you’ve been in. And because of this, you feel afraid to mess anything up. Basically, you have high standards for this and don’t want it to end. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. It’s common. But you need to be exerting this passionate energy into other things as well. Your relationship will only fail if you stop putting effort into it. So please… relax. Also, please stop letting any other failed attempts of relationships that you’ve had in the past affect your future. I don’t know why you let this happen but you are not the same person you were then. You have different boundaries and a different sense of self so please go easy on yourself, my love! You are not going to fail, boo. Just keep on moving with your boo! And lastly, ease into this whole exclusivity thing. Don’t rush it. You don’t have to expose your relationship to the public just yet. Do everything when your body feels it is right.
Cards Used: Temperance, Ace of Cups, Ace of Discs, 2 of Swords, Princess of Wands, 6 of Discs, 5 of Cups.
extras: dramatic. singer-songwriter. poet. dimples. big curly hair. big heart.
Pile 2: Pile Two, you’re quite the cocky one, aren’t you? I feel like this pile is someone that’s really guarded with their heart. You don’t seem to be easily trusting of others in general. I think you’re really focused on making stuff happen in terms of climbing the social ladder and congratulations to you! I feel like you have been tending to yourself, which is great. I’m sensing the energy of an ex. You let go of this crappy ex and everything has gotten significantly better. I’m getting big air sign energy from this pile, some real brainiacs are here lol. I feel like you should continue to focus on pursuing your personal goals and someone needs to here this: Go get your toes done! You’ve been doing an excellent job of calling the shots and exercising your throat chakra. You are not obligated to stay in anyone’s life in order to help them get their shit together so if someone makes you feel guilty for doing so, then fuck them! Pile Two, you owe yourself loyalty for sure. Please give it to yourself. Be generous towards yourself.
Cards Used: 6 of Wands, The Magician, 5 of Wands, 8 of Cups, 9 of Wands, Ace of Swords, Justice.
extras: megan thee stallion. rapper. un poco loco. ashley tisdale. donuts.
Pile 3: Pile Three, are you ready? I feel like you’ve been holding onto this very specific arrangement of love. You want to experience the magic of it all. However, it’s been a minute since you’ve been on the scene. I am getting some inexperience here. Maybe you’ve never really dated like that to begin with or it’s been a minute since you’ve gotten out there. I feel like there is actually someone on the horizon that you will come across. This could be someone that you work with or someone that you are already acquainted with. I think that this person would want to take you out on dates and do things the old fashioned way. They would be willing to do whatever you’d like but at the same time, they will take the lead. But in order for this, you have to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. It’s possible that you could also be divorced/widowed/distrusting of the dating scene (that’s completely understandable). But you need to listen to your gut, Pile Three. You will attract your person by keeping that vision pinned in the back of your mind, and I mean it.
Cards Used: 4 of Discs, The Lovers, The Chariot, 3 of Discs, The Hermit, 9 of DIscs.
extras: fresh prince of bel air. melanie barnett/”med school.” peaches. lint. seamstress.
Pile Four, someone’s getting some good good, but at what cost? Being in a sexual relationship with someone who does not share the same end goal as you is not as fun as you’ve been describing it. It was fun at first, but you know you want something more. So, why deny yourself the love that you want? I feel like you are putting in more energy than this person because you want something serious with them but you are not getting anything in return. Now you just feel drained and that sucks. You need to gather the strength to move past this person and put your sacral energy into something that matters. You will only continue to be disappointed because it is a one-sided connection. That person is stealing your energy whether you want to hear it or not. If you want better/more, then act like it. Know your worth, babe! There’s plenty of fish in the sea and there is plenty of fish that would want to wife you up.
Cards Used: The Devil, 9 of Cups, Princess of Cups, 8 of Wands, King of Wands, 4 of Cups, Strength, 5 of Discs, Prince of Discs.
extras: doormat. bald head. venus in the 12th house. argentina. frankenstein. black and white. southern belle. drones. washington d.c.
#law of assumption#manifesting#neville goddard#hoodoo#tarot#tarotreading#astro notes#pick a card#pick a pile#divination#spirituality#tarotcommunity#pac reading#tarot deck#pick an image#daily tarot#free tarot#pick a reading#tarot cards#tarot pull
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Keep Moving Forwards, Part 35
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Azriel x Reader Fic
Summary: After finally deciding to leave your abusive and manipulative mate for good, you find unexpected companionship with Azriel, the Shadowsinger of the Night Court. As you navigate the aftermath of your traumatic relationship, you struggle to understand where the mating bond went wrong and contemplate your path forward, vowing never to return to the past.
Find other parts here: Master List
To follow this fic, follow tag "Keep Moving Forwards Fic" or comment to be tagged in future parts.
Content Warning: This story contains depictions of extreme emotional manipulation and abuse, detailed descriptions of direct physical abuse, and scenes of men hunting women with implied sexual assault. Please read at your own risk.
Word Count: 7.2K - This definitely could have been split into multiple parts but I started foaming at the mouth and have no self control.
Author's Note: This is a multi-part series. Unlike my previous works, this fanfiction delves deeper than just fluff, exploring complex emotional landscapes. As I navigate this new writing journey, I kindly ask for gentle feedback. The topics addressed are profoundly impactful, touching many lives with diverse experiences. Please be gentle with yourselves and others. Healing is a journey, and everyone processes it differently. Be kind to yourself. Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t.
Please continue reading, being aware of the above content warnings, ensuring you are in a healthy headspace. Give yourself time to process and be gentle with yourself.
Additional Note: You may have noticed that I’ve replaced all the images in previous parts with GIFs or photos linked to their original sources. A friend was helping me with the original images and I later found out they were primarily using AI-generated content. To support independent artistry, I’ve decided to remove those images and replace them with original works that include links to the sources. This decision aims to combat the negative impact AI can have on artists and creators. I apologize for the earlier oversight and will ensure to uphold artistic integrity going forward.
Three days. Three days in the House of Wind with just Azriel. The thought was exhilarating and a little terrifying, as you pondered the possibilities of what those days might hold. Azriel did have his personal home in Velaris, the Town House, but since your return, he had essentially relocated his life to the House of Wind to be near you. Now, you had three days of isolation with him, or so you thought.
Nesta paced about your room, her bare feet whispering against the plush blue carpet. You sat cross-legged on the bed, clutching a pillow in your lap as you watched her braided hair slowly unravel and the tension radiating from her every step.
“Why did I do that? That was so stupid,” she muttered, her eyes flicking anxiously around the room.
“Nesta, you have to tell him,” you said softly, your voice steady but gentle.
“I could have waited longer, and now I’ve put myself in this situation,” she groaned, rubbing her temples as she sank into the chair in the corner, her fingers tracing erratic circles on her skin.
“How long did you think you could hold off?” you asked, knowing the answer was not much longer.
“Longer than this! Longer than this weekend.” She huffed, her fingers now digging into her scalp.
“Do you really not want to go?” you asked, watching as she chewed her lower lip, avoiding your gaze.
“I don’t know,” she mumbled, her eyes darting to the floor.
You leaned back against the headboard, drawing your knees up. “You know, it’s probably going to be a little strange, given you asked to stay at the cabin and now you’re the one backing out.”
Nesta sighed. “I can’t back out now,” she said, her voice wavering, as if she were trying to convince herself more than you.
“You could always figure out a reason not to go,” you suggested, half-heartedly.
She peered up, her brows raised slightly as though the idea were preposterous. “Like what?”
You hesitated, knowing you shouldn’t encourage her reluctance, but the desperation in her eyes made you ignore your better judgment. “You could say you don’t feel well.”
Nesta scoffed, a bitter laugh escaping her lips. “Yeah, like that won’t raise more questions.”
“Or you could say you just don’t want to go. That you’re not feeling up to it,” you offered, rolling your eyes slightly.
She leaned forward, burying her face in her hands, rubbing them up and down as a groan escaped her. “I can’t back out,” she finally sighed, leaning back again, “I need to just get it out there. I can’t hide from it if he’s standing right in front of me.”
“To be fair, he’s been standing in front of you for the last week, and you’ve been avoiding it,” you pointed out, your tone light but with a hint of sarcasm.
Nesta’s glare could have melted stone, her eyes sharp and venomous. “That’s different,” she snapped, before her hand unconsciously moved to rest on her womb, a tender touch to the life growing inside her. She turned to gaze out the tall windows overlooking Velaris, her eyes like reflecting pools of fear, guilt, and perhaps hope.
You observed her quietly, noting the new radiance pregnancy seemed to give her. Despite her worries, her skin glowed with a renewed vitality, her eyes, though filled with uncertainty, shone brighter, and her hair had gained a lustrous fullness. It was remarkable how quickly pregnancy transformed her. Your thoughts drifted to your own mother, wondering if she too had experienced that early glow, if she had known about her pregnancy at four months, or if you had been a secret she kept even from herself for as long as she could.
You tried to pull yourself from that daydream, reminding yourself that your mother was more a figment of your imagination than a memory. It felt childish to pretend she was anything more. “Nesta,” you began gently, “I can’t say I know exactly how you’re feeling.” Her eyes flicked to you, her finger tracing her lips absently. “And I won’t say everything’s going to be okay because, well, we both know that’s a promise I can’t keep.” Nesta’s delicate finger paused on her lower lip, her other hand pressing gently on her stomach as you continued, “But carrying all this stress alone,” you gestured to her, “it’s not good for you or the babe.”
Nesta’s eyes hardened, her throat bobbing as she swallowed. “Cassian wouldn’t want you to go through this by yourself,” you added softly.
Her gray eyes, clouded with grief, locked onto yours. You could see the inner struggle, the battle between her fear and the need to share her burden. Silver began to line her eyes, the tears she fought to hold back shimmering like tiny stars.
“It’s okay to be scared,” you whispered, leaning forward from the headboard. “It’s okay to worry about the worst and try to prepare for it.” As a single tear escaped down her flushed cheek, you added, “But it’s also okay to feel joy about this. To celebrate. This is a big deal, Nesta—this is amazing.”
She sniffled, her attempts to brush away the tears only making them fall faster. You offered a reassuring smile. “Enjoy these moments with Cassian. He’d want to share this with you.”
Nesta nodded, her tears now flowing freely despite her efforts to contain them. She sniffed, her smile watery but genuine. “What about you? Plan for this weekend?” she asked, clearly eager to shift the focus. ”
You looked down, rubbing your hands over your thighs, feeling the heat rise in your cheeks. “Not sure what you mean,” you muttered.
A crooked smile tugged at Nesta’s lips. “Three days alone with Azriel,” she reminded you, her voice laced with teasing.
You nodded, still fighting the blush spreading across your face and, perhaps, a few other places.
“No big plans?” she pressed.
You shook your head, “Nope. Nothing formal.”
“How’s everything going with Azriel?” she inquired, her tone growing more earnest.
You glanced up at her. “You mean with me and Azriel?”
She nodded, her gaze intent.
“It’s good. Things are good,” you said, your voice trailing off as you tried to keep your composure.
Nesta let a silence settle between you, her smile turning knowing, almost cheeky.
“What?” you asked, finally meeting her gaze.
Nesta shook her head, crossing one leg over the other casually. “Just seems like you two are enjoying each other's company a lot.”
“Yeah,” you admitted. “We do like spending time together.”
“A lot of time,” she added, her eyes twinkling.
You glanced at her, your cheeks burning. “We get along.”
Nesta’s catlike eyes gleamed with amusement. “You know, I’ve never seen Azriel look at anyone the way he looks at you.”
You didn’t respond, but her words struck a chord, making your heart race.
“It’s like he can sense when you’re about to enter the room and drops everything just to see you first,” she continued.
You shrugged, trying to deflect. “Isn’t that part of his job? To be observant?”
“Sure, but he doesn’t get that goofy smile for just anyone,” she teased.
You knew the smile she meant—the half grin Azriel couldn’t seem to suppress. You wanted to dismiss it as Nesta reading too much into things, but deep down, you couldn’t ignore that Azriel had confessed his feelings to you. Feelings he said he hadn’t even realized he had until you came along.
“So?” Nesta prompted, her voice light yet probing.
“So what?”
“So things are going very well then?” she asked, her question thinly veiled as a statement.
“Yes,” you admitted. “Things are going well.”
“And things…” she raised her eyebrows suggestively, “down south?”
Your eyes widened in shock.
“Oh come on,” she groaned, her hands slapping her thighs in exasperation. “You read as many of those smut books as I do. Give a girl some details.”
You laughed lightly, embarrassed but amused by her persistence.
“You know the boys have a joke about wingspan being related to… other sizes?” she said, wiggling her eyebrows.
You looked down at your hands, “No, I didn’t.”
“Mhm, and Azriel always goes oddly quiet when they bring it up.”
You giggled, making Nesta’s grin widen. “So… it’s good?” she pressed.
You shook your head, still laughing. “I wouldn’t know.”
Nesta’s face fell slightly, confusion clouding her features. “Wait, you mean you haven’t-?”
You shook your head, meeting her gaze. “We haven’t. Not yet.”
“But he’s been in your bed for months!” she exclaimed, a note of desperation in her voice.
You shrugged, feeling a mix of awkwardness and honesty. “We just,” you paused, “We haven’t gotten there yet.” And now pink rose to your cheeks for a different reason.
Nesta broke her gaze, her own face flushing with embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”
You cut her off gently, “No, it’s okay. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t thought about it.”
Her interest sparked again, though she still looked cautious. “Have you two talked about it at all?”
You pulled the pillow closer to your lap, your fingers nervously tracing nonexistent frays. “Not really.”
You’d shared more of your past with Nesta than with anyone else, down to the painful details you tried to bury. Her voice, gentle and filled with concern, asked, “Are you ready for that?”
You kept your eyes fixed on the pillow. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with,” she began, her tone careful, “but I guess I just want to know if you’ve been intimate like that with anyone other than… him.”
A shudder ran through you at the thought of the 'him' she referred to, memories of past pain and harsh touches flooding back. “No,” you replied softly. “Not fully.”
Nesta nodded, understanding. “Do you think you’d want to try?”
You considered her question. Your body responded intensely to Azriel, your stomach fluttering at the thought of him, and his touch sent electric shocks through you. Physically, you were more than ready for something beyond mild petting. But those memories were powerful, and they had interfered before. They had with Kai, where attempts at intimacy had often triggered terrible flashbacks, forcing you to stop. Now, knowing that moments of vulnerability could open a line to Caelum, you worried if you could ever enjoy intimacy without the fear of what might slip through the bond. You looked up at Nesta, your voice trembling slightly, “I don’t want to go my entire life without being close to someone like that.”
Nesta gave you a gentle smile. “I think we both know that Azriel would understand.”
You returned a tight-lipped smile. You wanted to believe he would understand, that maybe he would even forgo that aspect if you asked. But then you thought of his skin against yours, the longing you felt for him, and the dream of a life you wanted, one that included closeness and a future you couldn’t have if you couldn’t be that intimate.
Nesta’s voice softened, almost a whisper. “I know it’s a little hypocritical, but,” she met your eyes, “just talk to him.”
She smiled softly, and you found yourself smiling back. You chucked the pillow across the room at her. She laughed, a bright sound that echoed through the room, and you laughed too. It felt good to laugh like that, to share a moment of joy with her, a moment that just felt normal.
—
Nesta made good on her word, and when the morning finally came for her and Cassian to set off, she did so with a determined gleam in her eyes. When she hugged you goodbye, she lingered a bit longer than usual. You couldn’t tell if the prolonged embrace was for her or you, or perhaps for both—a silent recognition of a weekend that might have you both coming back changed.
As for Azriel, he missed the departure, having been called to the River House by Rhysand early that morning. He’d roused you slightly as he pressed a kiss to your temple, urging you to go back to sleep, promising he’d return before Nesta and Cassian left. Apparently, that hadn’t been the case. You didn’t know when he’d come back, but as you wandered through the hall, hands mildly dirty from prepping the rooftop garden for overwintering, you paused by the library, rocking back on your heel as you saw the outline of wings.
Peeking through the entrance, you found Azriel at the writing desk, his hand pressed to his temple, his leg bouncing under the table. His boot squeaked softly on the floor as shadows curled around his feet like restless cats.
“Hey,” you chirped cheerfully, stepping into the room.
Azriel started slightly at your voice, turning to you with a surprised smile. “Oh, hey!” he replied, that goofy grin lighting up his face.
You walked over, wiping your hands on the small towel you'd brought with you before tucking it into your back pocket. “Where have you been?” you asked, leaning your hips against the desk, your body angled towards him.
Azriel’s hazel eyes, sparkling with mischief, met yours. “Got caught up with Rhys,” he said, leaning back in the chair, his hands interlocking behind his head, causing his biceps to flex slightly.
“Everything okay?” you asked, arching a brow, noticing the way his eyes seemed to brighten at the sight of you.
He cleared his throat, his posture relaxed yet commanding. “Yeah, yeah, fine.” But his tone betrayed a hint of uncertainty.
Deciding to trust that, like Nesta with Cassian, Azriel knew what he was doing, you chose not to pry into matters beyond your reach. Instead, you nodded, and his eyes flicked to your hands.
“You’ve been busy,” he noted, gesturing towards your fingers.
You glanced down, seeing dirt still peppered under your nails. You began to dig them out, a sheepish smile crossing your face. “Oh, yeah. Elain had me prepping the soil for overwintering, but I might have gotten a bit carried away.”
Azriel chuckled, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “I don’t know how you manage it, but it seems like every time you walk away from me, you come back covered in grime.”
Feigning offense, you scoffed, “Okay, well, every time you leave, you come back smelling like actual shit and death.”
“I’m talking about leaving you alone for five minutes, and you come back like that,” Azriel countered, his grin widening.
You shrugged, a playful glint in your eyes. “What can I say? I like dirt.”
“Dirty girl,” he purred, his tone taking on a teasing edge.
Heat crept up your cheeks as you looked away, biting your lower lip to suppress a smile. “Gross,” you replied, though a laugh slipped through.
Azriel’s laugh was a low rumble as he stretched back in his chair, his wings flaring slightly. His black shirt rode up, revealing the tantalizing V-lines that disappeared beneath his waistband, along with a glimpse of his defined abs. You tried to keep your gaze on his face, but your eyes betrayed you, flicking down for just a moment.
As he straightened, catching the way you looked at him, Azriel’s smirk deepened. “Enjoying the view?”
You rolled your eyes, fighting the blush threatening to deepen. “Don’t flatter yourself, Shadowsinger.”
His chuckle was warm, and his eyes sparkled with teasing affection as he leaned closer, his voice dropping to a soft, intimate murmur. “I think I already did.”
You rolled your eyes as you pushed off the desk, catching Azriel’s eyes trailing your hips as you walked away. It seemed he might have been entertaining thoughts of potential weekend activities himself. Letting yourself flop backward over the couch, you landed with a thud on your back, legs dangling lazily over the backrest. “Plans for the rest of the day?” you asked, casually picking at the dirt caked under your nails.
“Actually,” he replied, “I was wondering if you might be willing to do something for me.”
Your ears perked up just as you pulled a piece of your nail off completely, hissing slightly as a small bead of blood welled up in the tiny wound. “What is it?” you inquired, pressing your thumb to the spot.
“I have to meet someone from the Summer Court this afternoon.” Your heart sank a little, imagining Azriel’s weekend filling up with more responsibilities. “But I was supposed to pick up something from a shop in the city. If I drop you off, would you mind getting it? I can swing by and pick you up on my way back.”
You flipped your legs over the back of the couch, peering up over the crest of the sofa to meet Azriel’s eye. “Sure,” you agreed, though your voice lacked enthusiasm.
Azriel’s face relaxed, and the tension that had coiled around him when you walked in seemed to dissipate. “That would be fantastic, thank you.”
You smiled lightly, “Just let me clean up first,” you said, scooting off the couch.
“Thank the gods,” Azriel replied with mock relief. “I was worried I’d have to carry you down there smelling like dirt and sweat.”
As you walked out, you stuck your tongue out at him over your shoulder. He laughed, leaning back in his chair again, and you had to stop yourself from turning around to admire the view.
“Careful, you might catch flies,” Azriel called after you, his tone teasing.
You snorted, waving him off as you headed to clean up.
—
When you finally finished getting dressed after your shower, you opened the door to find Azriel standing across the hall. You jumped slightly, hand flying to your racing heart. “Gods, Azriel! We need to get you a bell or something.”
Azriel smirked lightly. “Ready to go?” He seemed anxious, perhaps pressed for time, though he hadn’t exactly given you any.
“Now?” you asked, blinking in surprise.
Azriel glanced around in confusion. “Yes?”
“Oh, okay. That’s fine.” You opened the door wider as Azriel crossed the hallway, tossing you your jacket from the front entry hall.
It seemed he’d been waiting on you���how long, you had no idea. He threw open the balcony doors, letting the cool air rush in, a sharp reminder that winter was on its way. Azriel smiled over his shoulder, extending a scarred hand to you. “You haven’t told me what I’m getting for you yet,” you noted, taking his hand. He scooped you up under your knees, cradling you close as his wings took a few powerful flaps, lifting off the marble floor. Your stomach flipped at the quick descent down the mountainside.
“I wrote the address down for you. Just give them my name,” he said, the wind biting at the tips of your ears.
You furrowed your brow. “You’re not going to tell me what I’m picking up?”
Azriel glanced down at you, his smile widening. “What? You don’t trust me?”
You gave him an incredulous look. “Not even a hint?”
“Okay,” he responded, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “Just trust me on this one. It’s nothing bad.”
“I’m not collecting the head or fingers of your enemies?” you joked.
Azriel chuckled, the sound reverberating through his chest. “That would be an errand I’d want to handle myself.”
“So it’s you who doesn’t trust me?” you countered playfully.
“I wouldn’t want to miss out on the fun,” he replied, smirking.
“Gross.”
“You love that word today, don’t you?”
“When I look at you, it’s the first word that comes to mind,” you shot back, your face breaking into a smile.
Azriel landed gracefully on a deserted sidestreet. “I’ll be back in about an hour,” he said, pulling a piece of parchment from his pocket. “Here.” He handed it to you, leaning in to place a light kiss on your temple.
You opened the paper, squinting at his neat, thin handwriting. No name of the building, but you recognized the street. “So I can’t know what I’m picking up or where I’m going?” you asked, looking up at him.
He rolled his eyes. “I’m going to be late. Consider it a trust exercise. Do you know where it is?”
“Well, I don’t know what ‘it’ is, but I do know where it is,” you replied.
“One hour. I’ll meet you there.”
You watched as he shot back up into the sky, wondering why, if he was meeting you there, he dropped you off a good fifteen-minute walk from your destination. But again, trust. So instead of calling out to question him, you sighed and began your trek through the city, shaking your head with a bemused smile.
Local shops were already setting out items for Winter Solstice gifts, the streets adorned with twinkling lights and festive decorations. Your heart ached a bit, reminded of how different your life had been just a year ago. For a moment, you wondered if you had moved on too quickly from everything that had happened. You shook the thought away; dwelling on others’ perceptions of your healing wouldn’t help. Or at least, that’s what you tried to remind yourself.
You knew the shortest route to this particular street cut through the city near the entry gate, but the memories there were too sharp to face today. So, you opted for a longer, winding path, adding about ten minutes to your walk. The detour gave you a moment to breathe, to let the festive atmosphere seep in without the weight of the past pressing down too hard.
When you finally reached the correct street, you followed the numbers until you stood in front of a small bakery. The sweet scents of fresh breads and pastries swirled out from under the door, mingling with the crisp winter air. You rechecked the address Azriel had given you. This was definitely the place. Stepping up to the front door, your mouth watered at the sight of cranberry tarts with their crystalline sugar gleaming in the window, boxes of dark chocolates overflowing with cream, ganache, and fruit, and cakes delicately frosted with winter themes of ice and snow.
The bell above the door chimed softly as you entered, the warm, cozy interior a sharp contrast to the chill outside. Your eyes adjusted to the dim, inviting light, and you noticed a few other patrons standing in front of the large glass counter, debating their purchases. You approached the rather plump, cheery-eyed male at the register.
“Hi,” you greeted as he smiled down at you. “I’m here to pick up something for Azriel.”
“Oh!” The male’s eyes lit up with recognition. He nodded and disappeared into the back of the bakery. You must have been in the right place. While you waited, you watched a female baker behind the counter delicately package pastel macarons into a cellophane box, her hands flying yet precise as she tied a pastel blue ribbon over the top.
The male reappeared, holding a small white box secured with red twine. He handed it over the counter with a broad smile. You thanked him, looking down at the box with curiosity, slightly disappointed that you couldn’t see its contents like the macarons on display.
Given that the sun was beginning to set, you figured you didn’t have much time left before Azriel would come to retrieve you. With the mystery box in hand, you crossed the street and sat on a bench, pulling your jacket tighter around you as you watched fae bustle by.
A few small children barreled down the street, chasing each other and giggling wildly. They stopped in front of the bakery, pressing their noses to the glass, their eyes wide with longing for the delectable treats inside. You watched as the female baker inside noticed their hungry faces. She smiled warmly at them, exchanged a few words with the male baker, and then disappeared into the backroom.
Moments later, she emerged with a white paper bag and stepped outside, beckoning the children closer. They approached cautiously, eyes alight with excitement. She handed them the bag, her smile radiant as she reminded them to share.
The children eagerly took the bag from the baker, nearly ripping it as they peered inside. Their eyes lit up with delight as they distributed various cookies and candies among themselves. You smiled, remembering how, when you were young, the baker Henri used to give you scones that hadn’t sold the day before. A memory that once included your mother, now replaced by Titania. There was something comforting about these children, nearly a century later, still engaging in the same rituals. Adults continuing to offer sweets from the kindness of their hearts, expecting nothing in return but a smile and the hope that these children might someday pass on the same acts of kindness.
You heard footsteps crunching on the sidewalk next to you and looked up to see two large, winged shadows approaching. Azriel’s face was partially obscured by the late afternoon sun. He took a seat next to you, crossing his legs casually and draping his arms over the backrest of the bench, one foot jostling slightly.
“Hey,” you greeted, moving the box to the other side of you.
“Hi,” he replied, his warm smile melting away the chill in your bones.
“All set?” you asked. He nodded. “How did it go?”
His face conveyed a sort of nonchalance, his mouth twitching slightly downward but not quite frowning. “Fine,” was all he said, shrugging. “How was your little errand?” He cocked an eyebrow, glancing at the white box.
You handed him the box, feeling its light weight in your hands. “Fine, I think.”
Azriel took the box from you, untying the twine and turning slightly away to examine the contents. You strained to see over his shoulder, but one large wing blocked your view.
“If all you wanted were pastries, why be so secretive?” you scoffed, amused, as he replaced the lid and turned back to you with a cheeky grin.
He rolled his eyes. “Can’t a male have a little fun?”
You huffed, your eyes scanning his face. There was something about his presence you couldn’t quite place. The look of hesitation behind his eyes, the continuous bouncing foot, and the odd secrecy made you think Azriel might be nervous about something. But what, you couldn’t quite figure out.
“Ready to go?” he asked quickly, standing and adjusting his jacket. You watched him, taking the hand he extended to you, agreeing quietly while complaining slightly about the cold. He just called you a crybaby in response.
The two of you walked through the streets, searching for a quieter sidestreet where Azriel could fully stretch his wings for takeoff. When you finally found one, he picked you up gracefully, asking you to hold the pastry box, which you obliged. The entire flight home, you debated just opening the lid for a peek inside.
As you landed back on the marble balcony, Azriel gently placed you on your feet. You adjusted your top, smoothing the fabric with a quick tug, while he reached for the double doors and swung them open, reclaiming the white pastry box from you. The warm glow of the fire beckoned from within, its gentle crackling drawing you closer. You shrugged off your jacket, tossing it casually onto the bed as you entered the room.
“Thanks,” Azriel’s voice followed you. “For doing this for me.”
You gave a nonchalant shrug, flopping down onto the plush bed, your arms stretching upwards as you tried to ease the ache in your muscles. “No worries.” You expected Azriel to make a swift exit, eager to tackle the next task on his agenda, but he lingered. Standing near the double doors, his eyes stayed on you, a quiet intensity in his gaze.
Lifting your head off the bed, you noticed his prolonged stare. Feeling a bit self-conscious, you asked hesitantly, “Everything okay?”
Azriel snapped out of his reverie, his scarred finger tracing the twine of the pastry box absentmindedly. “Yeah, it’s fine,” he replied shortly, a touch of awkwardness in his voice. “Dinner?”
At his offer, you sprang up from the bed with eagerness. “Yes! I’m starving,” you exclaimed, your voice edged with a playful whine.
Azriel’s lips twitched into a soft, fleeting smile, the sound of a light laugh escaping him. As he started towards the door, you stumbled over your own feet, trying to kick off your boots in a rush. You fell into him, face-first against his chest, his warm laughter rumbling through you and making your stomach flutter. “Careful,” he chuckled, steadying you with a gentle hand.
“Sorry,” you murmured, pushing back slightly, your hands pressing against the hard muscle of his chest. You glanced up, your chin hovering mere inches from where your fingers rested.
Azriel’s gaze softened, his other hand still clutching the pastry box. With a slight nod, he led you out of the bedroom and down the hallway towards the kitchen. Normally, you and Nesta or Azriel would eat casually around the kitchen island, but tonight was different. Azriel walked past the kitchen doors, his pace quickening with a hint of excitement.
You paused in front of the kitchen, a confused look crossing your face. “Aren’t we eating?” you asked, glancing towards the familiar island.
Without stopping or turning back, Azriel urged, “Come on,” his tone carrying a trace of anticipation.
Puzzled but intrigued, you followed him, your stomach rumbling in sync with your growing curiosity. As you trailed behind him through the sunken living room and past the cozy library, you realized he was leading you towards the grand dining room. A room you had only seen used for formal family dinners hosted by Nesta.
Azriel reached the doorway, his imposing wings nearly filling the large frame. Turning to face you, his smile broadened, a spark of mischief in his eyes.
You couldn’t help but smile back, still trying to decipher his peculiar behavior. Azriel pushed open the door, stepping aside with a radiant, cheeky grin that made your heart skip a beat.
As you stepped through the doorway, Azriel trailing behind, your breath caught in your throat. In the center of the grand dining room, which typically housed a vast, imposing table fit for large gatherings and entertaining, stood a much smaller, more intimate table, set elegantly for two.
The table was adorned with an elegant lace tablecloth, its intricate patterns catching the flicker of candlelight. Candles were placed strategically around the room, their soft, golden glow dancing off the walls. The centerpiece was a lush arrangement of flowers, the key flowers being purple hyacinths—your favorites.
Your eyes were immediately drawn to the exquisite spread laid out on the table, a feast of your favorite dishes, each more mouthwatering than the last. Golden roast chicken, perfectly seasoned with a medley of colorful, caramelized vegetables, parsnips, and baby potatoes crisping in the tray. A bowl next to it held bright, emerald-green steamed asparagus drizzled with a cream sauce, a favorite that Titania used to make for you as a child, you had recently learned. Sautéed mushrooms and wild rice pilaf made your mouth water, and a few freshly baked rolls, still warm from the oven, rested in a basket lined with a blue towel.
You stood there, momentarily stunned by the sheer meticulous effort placed on each part of the room and table. You couldn’t conceive of any other food on the table that wasn’t one of your favorites, as though someone had crawled into your mind, into your childhood, and handpicked out the moments you held with reverie. Azriel came to stand next to a chair, pulling it out slightly as you approached.
“Az, this is—” you stammered. “How did you—?”
Azriel merely chuckled as you took your seat, sliding it in behind you, then crossing around, pouring a sparkling purple wine into a crystal-clear glass and passing it to you.
“This is,” the words couldn’t even come to your mouth as you took the glass, staring down at the food in front of you. “This is insane.”
Azriel poured himself a glass, swirling it lightly as he gazed across at you, his eyes twinkling with amusement as you tried to get your mouth to close from awe. He took a light sip from the cup, the first taste hitting his palate as his face scrunched up, eyebrows drawing together and then widening in surprise before narrowing into discomfort. He peered into the glass, mildly confused, and then slowly processed the unexpected saccharine assault on his taste buds, followed by a sharp exhale through his nose. “This is so sweet,” he said, shoulders and wings rising in an involuntary shudder.
You looked down into your own glass, the sweet aroma of blackberries filling your nostrils as you took a tentative sip. You were greeted with an intense burst of blackberry flavor, as if a handful of the plumpest berries had been freshly crushed, the taste rich and succulent with small hints of dark chocolate and vanilla coating your throat. You almost moaned in sensual delight. Your eyes shut as you melted into your chair. You finally managed to moan out, “This is delicious.”
Your eyes fluttered open to see Azriel swirling the wine in his glass, peering into it with his mouth pulled up in a sneer as though a fly had landed in it. “Oh come on,” you said, taking another sip.
Azriel’s eyes flicked back to you, his sneer growing more exaggerated. “You actually like this stuff?”
“What about it don’t you like?” you asked, your tone slightly accusatory.
“It tastes like pure sugar,” he responded flatly.
“No, it doesn’t! It tastes like blackberries.”
“Blackberries that have been coated in sugar.” He glanced into it again, “There’s probably one blackberry for three cups of sugar.”
You rolled your eyes, leaning back against your chair as you took another delectable sip, eyes shutting again as you felt the warmth of the wine trickle down your throat. You hadn’t had this kind of wine since—
Your eyes shot back open as Azriel tried another sip, the same reaction flying from him. “How did you know I liked blackberry wine?”
Azriel seemed to pause in stillness as he gulped down his drink. “Lucky guess?” he offered.
You shook your head, leaning forward. “You were spying on me,” you said, eyes narrowing.
Azriel’s own eyes went hollow as he considered the best way out of this situation. “I wasn’t intending to.”
You laughed lightly, “So your shadows just followed me around on their own accord?”
At that, you felt the cool breeze around your ankle as one shadow skirted past you. “To be fair,” Azriel offered, “they are fond of you.”
Your gaze turned into a glare as Azriel tried to dig himself out. He placed his glass on the table, leaning his elbows onto it, eyes lined with sincerity. “Look, it was right after you left, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“So how long were you watching me?” you asked, slightly more forcefully.
Azriel’s palms faced upward. “Only until it seemed you and Kai were getting more serious.” He paused. You scanned his face for any sign of deception but found none. Only pure sincerity. “Once you seemed like you had someone to rely on, I stopped.”
You leaned back, calming yourself again. In truth, you weren’t too upset that it seemed Azriel had been pining after you much longer than you had thought. Not to mention that knowing there was someone watching over you who wasn’t your mate allowed you to breathe a bit of a sigh of relief. You picked up the glass, swirling it so the sweet wine scent hit your nose again, breathing it in deeply.
“So you’ve seen me drunk?” you asked, taking another sip, eyes heavy as you cocked a brow at Azriel.
Azriel chewed his lower lip, trying to contain a slight smile playing at his lips. “Perhaps,” he offered back.
You quickly tried to sift through your memories, wondering about the things you had said or done that might now cause some embarrassment. “You’re giggly when you’re drunk,” Azriel remarked, a playful glint in his eye.
You set your glass down on the table, leaning forward as he carved a piece of chicken for you, placing it on your plate. The warm juices from the pan flowed onto the dish, tantalizing your senses. “And what are you like?” you inquired, arching a brow.
Azriel let out a breathy laugh as he served himself. You grabbed the tongs, dishing asparagus onto both your plates. “I haven’t gotten drunk in a long time.”
You handed over the tray to him as he passed you the rolls. “How long is a long time?”
Azriel pondered for a moment, setting the pan back down on the table. “Half a century?” he responded, sounding like he was questioning his own memory.
You picked up your fork, eyeing him with a smirk. “Sometimes I forget you’re ancient,” you quipped, taking a bite of the chicken. The savory sauce melted in your mouth, making you moan with delight.
Azriel rolled his eyes. “It stops being important once you turn one hundred.”
You opened your eyes again, taking another greedy bite. “That’s what someone who’s too old and boring to get drunk would say,” you teased.
“I got my days of heavy drinking out of the way before I took on one of the most important roles in the Night Court,” he countered, leaning back. “It’s not exactly a good look to be falling all over yourself in front of those in power.”
You scoffed, “Cassian seems to have no problem with it.” It’s true, Cassian seized every opportunity to get absolutely sloshed at formal events, often challenging other warriors to drinking contests.
“Let’s not use Cassian as our standard for formality,” Azriel replied with a chuckle. “But when I used to get drunk, I’m told I got rather chatty.”
You almost choked on your food. “Chatty?” you questioned, wide-eyed.
Azriel flicked his eyes at you from under his brows as he took a bite. “Is that surprising?”
You shrugged, chewing a bit more carefully this time. “Chatty with everyone? Or just the people you know?”
Azriel leaned back in the chair, his wings casually lounged behind him. “According to Rhys and Mor, everyone.”
The thought of Azriel being the life of the conversation somewhere in a bar in Velaris, chatting it up with strangers, almost made you laugh out loud. “I’m sure you were fun at parties,” you offered, swallowing down your bite with another glass of wine.
“I would say I still am,” he replied, a hint of mischief in his eyes.
“You think fun is brooding in the corner?”
“You’ve only ever seen me at Night Court events,” he countered.
“But you’re a party animal at the tavern?” Azriel rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s why you don’t like sweet wines,” you teased, leaning over the table. “You’re too old to enjoy something so youthful. You’d rather have a dry glass of white wine or some liquor that burns like firestarter.”
Azriel scoffed at you. “Am I going to regret doing all this for you?” he joked back.
You smiled at him sweetly, looking back down at your plate. “No,” you replied, a touch quieter and sincere. “This is amazing. Thank you.”
Azriel’s face lit up slightly at your response. “I just thought you deserved a nice night,” he said.
You gestured to the table, “You really got all my favorites, even the ones I haven’t told you about or eaten in front of you.”
Azriel glanced toward the ceiling. “I’ll admit, the House did provide me with some insight on things you ask for late at night.”
You followed his gaze up, whispering in a hiss, “Those moments were supposed to be secret.”
Azriel laughed, “That and Titania helped fill me in on the rest.”
You ran your finger around the rim of your glass, heart and belly slowly filling with a feeling of deep adoration and joy. “This is really nice,” you finally whispered.
Azriel reached a scarred hand across the table to you, taking yours. “You deserve to enjoy the things you love,” he offered, his voice filled with quiet sincerity.
Azriel shared with you that, unlike what you might have considered, he actually prepared all the dishes himself. He prepped the meal early in the morning with the help of Nuala and Cerridwen at the River House and then took the hour he had misled you into going to the bakery to set everything up. He really had thought of everything.
As you settled back in your chair, the plate nearly licked clean, you let out a sigh of gratification. Azriel, who had indeed brought out some nasty liquor you refused to try despite his imploring, swirled his glass across from you. His eyes lit up suddenly as he jumped from the table. “I almost forgot!”
You straightened slightly as he brought out the white box from the bakery, setting it in front of you to open. You glanced up at him, smiling. “You made me get my own dessert?” you teased.
“Oh yeah, I’m so sorry,” he replied sarcastically. “How foolish of me to ask you to do one thing so I could do all of this for you.” He gestured around the room with a dramatic flourish.
You smiled back as you undid the twine, peeking in at two delicately crafted tarts. The rhubarb, lemon, and berry compote glistened up at you, the crust perfectly crisped. Your mouth fell open again as Azriel looked down at you, joy in his eyes. You peered back up at him, “These are the tarts that Elain made when I first came here,” you said, breathless.
Azriel shrugged, “Not the exact ones. But they’re as close as I could get to the real thing without cluing Elain in.” In fairness, Elain couldn’t keep a secret, and for something of this nature, which included romance and food, she would have spilled every detail the second Azriel told her.
You found your hand seeking Azriel’s as you marveled at the beautiful little desserts, eyes welling up with emotion. This entire dinner was a three-course journey through your life, from childhood to now, all prepared for you, all a reflection of who you were and the things you had experienced. You felt a tear start to fall, but Azriel caught it, tilting your head up to face him, his own eyes filled with a sincerity and care you don’t know if anyone had ever had for you before. “Thank you,” you whispered lightly.
Azriel leaned down, his lips meeting yours, the oils from the chicken mingling with the sweet wine on your own lips. While you could taste the fiery hint of his drink, you didn’t pull away, lost in the soft caress of his lips as his thumb drew a lazy line down your face, his other hand coming to cup the other side. The kiss held no intensity other than pure adoration, care, and unbridled joy. When he pulled back, Azriel smiled down at you again, and you giggled lightly when he reached into the box, pulling out one of the tarts with his hands and taking a crumbling bite from it.
“Hey!” you protested, laughing as he chewed. “That’s mine!”
Azriel shrugged, a teasing glint in his eyes. “Consider it a toll for the perfect evening.”
To my readers, I'm hot, bothered, and need to be put back into my enclosure. We about to get wild: @thatacotargirl @mcuamerica @lilah-asteria @florabelll @fightmedraco @marvelbros-oneshots @mariahoedt @quinzzelx @romantasyreader28 @minnieoo @mysteriouslydeafeningwerewolf @annabethgranger123 @krowiathemythologynerd @scatteredstardustt @caroline-books @slytherintaco @sevikas-whore @sidthedollface2 @sleepylunarwolf @acourtofbatboydreams @quiettuba @julesofvolterra @skylarkalchemist @darling006 @loglady00 @caninnes
#azriel x reader#azriel fanfiction#azriel fic#slow burn fanfic#acotar slow burn#azriel x reader fic#azriel x you#acotar#acotar abuse#acotar fanfic#acotar azriel#azriel#azriel fanfic#azriel imagine#azriel angst#azriel x y/n#acotar fanfiction#acotar reader fic#acotar fandom#Keep Moving Forwards Fic#azriel slow burn#acotar fic#acotar reader insert#acotar reader imagine
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sorry im not sure if anyone has asked this, but how are the npc characters in twst? are they mean? they seem like they would be mean.
also how are the overblots talked about? are the people who overblotted ashamed because of it or does it not effect them? thank you for reading!
The "NPCs" are hit or miss. Obviously, they're actually people over there so they have lives and actual personalities other than asshole pfff They tend to fall into different personality types tho
Savanaclaw students tend to fall into either stereotypical jocks (douchy gym bros), or surprisingly decent but takes their sports seriously.
Heartslabyul students are really scared of Riddle half the time so I haven't gauged their personalities very well but they do come to me for a pink shirt to take care of the flamingos a lot. It's to the point I actively have pink shirts just for them pfff.
Octavinelle students are hard workers and are surprisingly respectful. Really cocky though. They have a reason so I'm not that mad lol There's also a lot of guys who come from old money in there.
I was too busy trying to get out of Scarabia to actually get to know any of the Scarabia students but they seemed chill for the most part lmfao
Pomfiore students are such prissy and pretentious assholes I stg. They all have talent yeah but have some god damn humility. Vil keeps them in check for the most part. He's of the belief that you can take pride in your work but your work should speak for itself rather. In his words "How good could your work be if all you ever do if prance around campus blabbing about it but never provide a proper portfolio and examples of it." Anyway I love Vil and he's a great actor and singer. My superstar /aff
I haven't met any Ignihyde students but one can assume its full of a bunch of hermit, gamer boy twinks /j I really don't know shit about them tho lmfao
Diasomnia is full of very regal people but it's surprisingly diverse. There's the snobs of course, there's those who are very respectful, a very small group of people who act similar to Sebek but are just quieter about it lmfao, but they all really respect (and fear) Malleus. A lot of Fae and half fae are in that dorm. I rarely see them though. Kinda illusive lol It's really chill in the dorm tho.
As for the overblots.. No one wants to talk about it. It's a very hush hush almost shameful topic for the whole school. Which makes sense but is unfortunate. I've gotten an apology a total of twice but that's as far as anyone has actually talked about it after the fact.
#shifting realities#shifting to desired reality#reality shifter#shifting antis dni#shifting blog#shifting community#reality shifting#shiftblr#reality shift
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Hey! I'm relatively new to the Austin fandom, and first of all, I just wanted to say you really opened my eyes about the Kaia situation, so thanks! Second of all, I wanted to know your opinion on something: judging by his sister's follows on instagram, and his grandmother (I think it's his grandmother)'s posts on Facebook, Austin seems to have been raised in a conservative family. I know it's none of my business and that "stalking" his family like this can come off as disrespectful, but the thing is: as a leftist, I try to be very mindful of the people I dedicate my time and attention to. Austin never discussed his political views publicly, right? Do you think this is maybe because he is afraid of a certain backlash he might receive if he "came out" as a conservative/republican? I really avoid putting famous people on pedestals and idealizing them too much, and I know some people think it's stupid to care about artists' political views, but I'd still be kinda disappointed if I found out his values are so different from mine. Anyways, thanks for reading, and have a nice day!
Hey girlie! 👋
Welcome to my blog! 🥰❤️ Also, welcome to the Austin Butler fandom. 💕 It's good to see some new fans on here.
I'll be honest, I don't usually like getting into political topics or views here on my blog. But since your ask seemed genuine, I'll try to give you my honest opinion.
Take a seat 💺
Honestly? I think you should just take Austin for face value and not worry about what political party he might (or might not) belong to. As far as I'm aware, he's never really mentioned any real political views, and hasn't even identified himself with any specific political party. (Someone can correct me if I'm wrong)
I think one of the reasons why our country is so divided right now is because people have stopped seeing people as individuals, and they just see people as from one party vs from another party. 🥴 Personally? I don't think that's really fair.
I prefer to base my opinions about someone on a case by case individual basis. I have met some wonderful people from all various walks of life and different political views. I think it's also good to keep in mind that even people inside of a political party may not always agree with everything the party believes or represents.
Going back to Austin --
I choose to look at who Austin the man is, and everything that I've seen of him so far over all these years have been nothing but positive. I see how he treats both men and women. I watch how he treats people from various diverse backgrounds. I saw how he boldly spoke out about racism and "White Privilege" during the murder of African-American George Floyd back in 2020. I have also paid close attention to how he talks to others, how respectful he is of everyone, and how he doesn't treat anyone differently (not even his fans) no matter their position in life.
I have seen how he gave a homeless man food in the streets, how gentlemanly he is with women (i.e. opening up car doors, helping older women up on stage, etc.), and how kindly he speaks of everyone (don't think I've heard him speak badly about anyone tbh). I've also seen how gracious and loving he is to his fans. Friends of mine who have met him in person have echoed the same thoughts that he really is a sweetheart to everyone and how wonderful it was to meet him. I've also heard how everyone in Hollywood who meets and works with him describes him as being very "kind".
I've even looked at his old tweets and Tumblr posts! You can even find his old tweets and Tumblr posts online from when he was a teenager to a young adult, and all of them are so wholesome and adorable. 🥰 While some celebrities are out here getting canceled for their old scandalous Tweets from years ago, with Austin, even as a young guy, you never found him saying anything misogynistic, racist, fat-phobic, mean, or just plain rude online. He's usually always been very positive.
All of these things combined go on to paint the picture of a man who really truly is just genuine, kind, down to earth, and good-hearted. 💕 🥹
I know some people might not feel the same way that I do, and I know that Austin isn't perfect, but based on what I've seen of Austin, he really does seem like just a good guy.
I don't really follow closely what celebrity family members post or who they follow, but I think it's very important to realize that just because your family member has a particular view, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have that same exact view also.
Just something to think about! 😊
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hello hello mystie 🩷 bon has decided to visit you once again.
i am recently going through quite some turbulence with my writing. i have been working on a aot reiner piece for quite some time but it's been feeling rather... unfulfilling? i guess i just want to open up a bit.
as a black woman, i've seen a number of posts on here of other woc having takes about how we should 'embrace our blackness' and write our fics in a way that reflects that. i always understood that this is a valid opinion, as we are often pushed by society to 'calm' ourselves down and water down our personalities and our way of speaking (often not to fall subject to a number of disheartening stereotypes.)
but i've come to a more different, personal conclusion over the past few months. i am a black south african girl who grew up watching british cartoons in order to learn english. my mother took me to a catholic school where english was the language of instruction and we had a similar education system as most british schools (colonisation has a role in this system but that's a discussion for another day.)
i've always been called 'whitewashed' as i am fluent in the language. there's still heavy racial tension where i'm from, so ever since i was little i was compared to speaking as a white person. a 'coconut' if we want to go that far, lol.
besides this, we've become more westernised and my peers around me began to see the struggle of african americans as our own (since we're all experiencing the same biases and discrimination as poc.) now for some reason, seeing the takes of other woc made me feel as if the way i write and speak was incorrect. i felt like a phony, like someone who was dodging away from racism by writing like a 'white person' to stay unattacked.
to cut this short (as this has already been quite long), your writing put things into perspective for me. it might not be 'that deep' but seeing another black woman write and speak similar to myself has healed a small part of me. not only is your writing excellent, but it makes me feel as if that i don't have to pretend to be the stereotypical black writer all the time.
that my way of writing does not make me any less 'black'. i now know exactly how i want to create stories and write them down, as i always could've done.
thank you for being the talented individual that you are. love you lots.
-Bonnie 🩷
Hello my beautiful, Bonnie 💕
I apologize for the delay, I’ve been traveling for work so my activity on Tumblr has been low recently.
It’s a weird sensation of fate to read your post, because I resonate with your thoughts deeply. Growing up as a military child, I moved frequently, so I never really had a “home” like others. The friends that I had were all military children too and made up a melting pot of race, diversity, and background. I did not have a primarily black friend group and because of this, others often made fun of me for not being “black” enough. The way I spoke, wrote, dressed, and my mannerisms were all representative of a “whitewashed” version of a black woman. The concept of whitewashed is a topic for another day 😒
I’ve dealt with being called an “inside out Oreo”and constantly heard the annoying micro-aggression of “talking really well for someone like myself.” And for years it bothered me more that I wanted to feel and act like others, instead of embracing myself. Thankfully, I got over that.
Joining Tumblr and finding a community of black writers has been a great experience, and I definitely agree that we should ‘embrace our blackness’, but embrace it in a way that represents YOU. Not everyone else.
For myself, I embrace with what I write about, not necessarily how I write. Because I write how I think and talk, but I try to share plot and experiences that normally resonate with who I am as a black woman. Cookouts, extended family mannerisms and traditions, how I do my hair and take care of my skin, etc.
You are not a phony and you are not ‘whitewashed’. You’re Bonnie, and Bonnie writes how Bonnie speaks, acts, and feels. Period.
In my opinion, trying to write a certain way to appeal to someone else only takes away from your own authenticity. This isn’t to invalidate someone else’s experience, but you shouldn’t have to pretend to embrace your ‘blackness’. Being able to overcome this feeling is such a strength that you should continue to hold close 💕
Girl, look at me rambling LMFAO. THE POINT IS, I’m so happy that I was able to help you embrace more of who you are. I’m happy that you enjoy my words. I’m happy that you have the strength to create how you want. And I’m just…really happy for meeting you 🥹
Create your stories however you want. As long as Bonnie is happy and Bonnie is enjoying it and Bonnie is not intentionally hurting others, that’s all that should matter.
Love you lots as well. Thank you for being the beautiful mootie that you are 💕😘
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I'm just starting to get into marine bio, and I found your blog today and I love it so much!! Do you have any recommendations of where I can learn stuff? (I hunger for fish knowledge)
It's always wonderful when someone else starts getting into marine bio, I'm honored to share resources!
Texts:
I personally learned a lot of what I now know from a series of textbooks I've picked up over the years, here some of my personal favorites!
Biological Oceanography An Introduction by Carol M. Lalli & Timothy R. Parsons: I personally found this textbook wonderful! Written very clearly and easy to understand, and contains summaries at the end of each chapter. Here is my favorite used&new book sellers results for this book. Here is the book on internet archive.
Marine Ecology: Processes, Systems, and Impacts by Michael J. Kaiser, Martin J. Attrill, & Simon Jennings: Covers much of the same things as biological oceanography, but valuable on its own. Here is the link to buy a copy for cheap. Here is the book on internet archive.
Limnology: Lake and River Ecosystems by Robert G. Wetzel: I personally found this the most dull textbook of my life, but, it is written very well. The chapters end with summaries also, which makes it easier to study, and this book is rather well renowned in freshwater studies. Here to buy a copy on my favorite book website. Here to read on internet archive (I'm relatively uncertain that its inaccessible) so Here is a preview on google books. (maybe I'll find the time to scan my copy and put it in a google drive)
The Diversity Of Fishes: Biology, Evolution, and Ecology by Douglas E. Facey, Brian W. Bowen, Bruce B. Collette, & Gene S. Helfman: I adore this textbook, it is easy to read and comprehend, a personal favorite. Not only that, it is wonderful for understanding fish. Here you can buy it (it's a bit pricey, so I recommend just using the internet archive). Here you can find it on internet archive.
Methods for Fish Biology by Stephen Midway, Caleb Hasler, and Prosanta Chakrabarty: A bit dense and hard to read, but it's a wonderful text on understanding how to do research, and how a lot of farming and understanding of fish is done. Here to buy it. Here to read it on internet archive
All the other textbooks I own are about marine mammals, so I'll recommend them if asked, but you seem more interested in fish and aquatic environments.
Audio:
I personally struggle to listen to informational audio and podcasts, so this section is a bit threadbare
The Marine Mammal Science podcoast by The Society for Marine Mammalogy here
Marine Biology in 5 minutes podcast here
Oceanlovers podcast here
The Deep-Sea Podcast here
Video:
I have some great recommendations I'm a personal fan of here!
I personally really enjoy Natural World Facts, he has some wonderful playlists and documentaries on the deep sea, different environments, animals, and ecosystems there.
MBARI (the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute) Has wonderful videos with their discoveries and research,
The Nautilus live, which does frequent live streams as they're exploring the ocean with ROVs and a running commentary from the staff!
The octopus lady does some good work, I haven't watched the most of her but she's relatively fun to put in the background to just generally learn about things marine
I also enjoy the work of AVNJ Fish Biologist, who does a lot less serious scientific videos, but he also has a video series on ichthyology I'm fond of so, check that out here!
Other:
when doing fish of the day, some sources have continually come back again and again, I'll list these off first.
Wikipedia: I personally find the wikipedia is a good resource, but it never gives the full picture when your trying to learn. Do not base your knowledge only on wikipedia, i recommend trying to read through some of the sources that wikipedia has listed on a topic, and if you are new to a subject I suggest trying to find introductory textbook before plunging in head first. I find that wikipedia is wonderful at convincing you that you know what its talking about, as it's very easy to just read without knowing the definition for a small handful of words. But, you will quickly come to realize at some point or another that you understood less than you think. As much as it is a wonderful tool, don't use it exclusive well learning
WoRMS- World Registrar of Marine Species has basic info and distinguishes between species, along with some good research, I'd recommend checking them out!
Fishbase! contains good information on most fish
.gov websites, and websites that align with governments across the world can be trusted for fish purposes mostly, the NOAA is a great resource for learning and searching info on animals, as is the Monterey Bay Aquarium
If you're looking to find a scientific paper, I recommend searching on google scholar, as it will show you which you can access the pdf of without paying.
And, if your looking to come into contact with papers you just cant seem to find the pdf of, I would recommend Scihub other than scihub, you can also look for any number of things locked behind a paywall with this niffty website I found ! A lot of resources there.
That's everything I can think of! Have a good time learning ! :)
#marine biology#asks!#asks#anon ask#marine#aquatic#I was literally bragging to my partner about this ask#im genuinely so honored that youve come to ask me for resources! :)
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I just wanted to say I think you're really cool in the way you defend your own boundaries while also trying to see the best in people (e.g. off-topic Wednesday asks / etc.). Like you make your ask box feel like it's okay to ask questions or not worry too much about how something might come off wierdly if it's read a certain way but also you don't let people walk over you, and that balance is a fucking skill which takes effort and work.
Thank you. 🧡 I definitely do go to a lot of effort to be clear about certain things I'm cool/not cool with while also assuming the best of people's intentions if I ever get comments or questions that are phrased poorly or seem . . . well, questionable, to make an unintentional pun there, haha. I just don't wanna start shit that doesn't need started or slather bad vibes all over some poor well-intentioned random soul who just doesn't have the most immediately up-to-date/informed language or certain experiences to inform their perspective, AND all over all of your dashes on top of that. Like, we were all confused about shit and awkwardly attempting to figure out what the magic question that would explain that shit to us was at SOME point in our lives, if nothing else. You gotta remember your internal stupid kid and how bad they wanted to figure shit out without having the tools for it!! You just gotta!!!!
Like, I literally did not realize gay and bi people were a thing until I was FOURTEEN, man, I just did NOT have that context/experience as a kid. And then, like, four months later I was . . . uhhhhh I'm pretty sure literally the first kid who was publicly out in my entire very tiny "quaint lil' small town full of well-off retirees with gorgeous lawns and literally nothing for a teenager to do outside of school" high school, and at least as far as I ever knew there wasn't another one until my friggin' senior year. And I didn't figure out what asexuality was OR my gender identity until I was in my thirties, despite actively TRYING to figure those out! I just didn't know! I didn't have the word for it for so long I didn't even GET it was a thing that should have a word!
Though to be honest, I really do get way, WAY more people worrying that they're overstepping and preemptively apologizing about it than I ever do people who are actually doing anything I'd personally consider to be overstepping, and I get even fewer people who are INTENTIONALLY overstepping on top of that. Like, I've been very lucky in the audience I've managed to snare/cultivate in my internet times, I very rarely encounter anyone coming into my inbox in bad faith. "Don't like/don't read" seems to be generally respected and I appreciate it, basically, hah.
Also, like, not to get too extra or serious here, but a lot of the reason I write fanfic is because it can contain a lot of things that standard publishing is less immediately open to releasing--like, especially back when I started, it was just NOT a thing to have explicitly queer kids in mega-popular mainstream YA series or all that much gender/racial/neuro diversity past, like, token presences that were at MOST only diversity-CODED half the time anyway and "didn't like labels". And like, that bugged me a LOT as a kid and as a young adult, and still kinda bugs me sometimes these days. I wanted, you know, that SEEN feeling, and I didn't want to only get it from hyper-niche genres/authors that were only writing about being queer and sad about it. I wanted that shit in my dang sci-fi and fantasy and all the FUN stuff, not just, you know, the tragedy-porn cautionary tales. So I want people who are reading my stuff to feel that way, even and ESPECIALLY when they're some totally different flavor of whatever we are from me, and so I REALLY try to be inclusive and welcoming and assume the best of people, at least to the best of my ability.
. . . okay I got kinda carried away with this answer, maybe, haha, but tl;dr: literally everyone has got enough bullshit going on in their lives, I can at least be nice about weird kinks and random gender/mental/physical/???? issues that I don't always necessarily understand the full nuances of on the internet.
#moriartea42#rintalk#so yeah thank you for noticing my efforts I do SO much work to keep that balance for us all hah#I do my best!!#our best is all we can do!!!!#also lbr healthy boundaries help with the 'tisms so much 'cuz healthy boundaries means RULES to follow yaaayyyyy#best cheat sheet for human interaction ever!!
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Same anon as before. Anon due to security reasons. I know you have to be aware that take is not well liked. It sounds like you're trying to say you support it without being irreparably canceled. A frankly disappointing sentiment. I agree those that those who use it shouldn't be harassed but they also shouldn't be given a voice or a platform which is unfortunately what you offer them. It speaks to a lack of integrity. I have seen evidence in your server very recently that suggests you outwardly support it. If I'm reading that wrong then you have not said anything to convince me to the contrary. In fact I asked the question to begin with to give you the benifit of the doubt. I would rather you come out and say that you support it and face the conciquences then poorly playing both sides.
Thank you for taking the time to answer the question, god speed in your days. Proverbs 11:3 and Luke 12:15
(Conversation continued from https://www.tumblr.com/shantismurf/764912386766503936/)
I am painfully aware of how unpopular my stance on this issue is with a subset of our fandom. Believe me, it would be a lot easier for me to just say exactly what you want to hear and rail all day about the evils of this big bad technology and how anyone who breathes a word that isn't hateful about it is morally defunct. It's actually precisely because I am a person of integrity that I cannot do that. I say what I mean. If you can't read my words without twisting them to your preconceived notions, I cannot help that.
I'm just not capable of boiling an issue as complex as this into simple black and white terms. AI is too broad, and the applications too diverse. I believe my position on this topic is that of an informed and reasonable adult (I am 46) who recognizes that the world is complex and that life is an unending process of trying to make the best choices that you can given the information and energy available to you.
So, what is your ideal outcome in all this? Would you like to see all Al eliminated? Do you expect no one to use it, ever? Who decides what's okay to use and what's not, and what gives them the right to make that determination? Where should the priority of fanfic writers using AI tools sit alongside abortion rights and genocide and, you know what, I don't have the energy for this. I have cancer. And I have four young children. The only reason I am investing my precious personal energy into this issue is because I cannot abide the fact that a certain group of individuals feel it is their right to gatekeep and impose their morality on others, to bully young writers whose first experience in fandom was being singled out when their writing tripped some ai detectors (but not all, because they are useless...and why are people going around policing other people's work like that anyway?)
I just want to read, and maybe sometimes write, stories about a fictional Hobbit and the fictional dwarf he loves. And I want to tell people who share their creations of those characters how amazing they are. And I want to talk about how much I love this fandom with other people who love it too. But you don't think I should have any of that because I won't say that people who use a certain technology in a certain way are immoral and should be shunned.
You threaten me with being "irreparably canceled" and I personally find that practice completely repugnant. Witch-hunts where people run other's work through faulty ai detectors is what should be canceled. This intolerant culture of unilateral humiliation and scorn for that which does not fully align with one group's personal worldview is what is immoral.
Oh, and regarding the discord conversation you referred to, it occurred between an actor and screenwriter who has been directly impacted by the infringement of Al in the industry, and a fanfic writer who has learning differences, and myself. The person with learning differences expressed how they wept with joy and relief when they saw how an Al tool could correct thousands of errors in their writing in a tiny fraction of the time it would take them to do so manually. It makes writing more accessible for them. The actor expressed frustration and despair over the future of their career and also has shared the ways they use Al tools to support their creativity and their career. I was supportive of both of their experiences and celebrated their bravery in speaking openly when it could leave them vulnerable to harassment. We each talked about our experience with and questions about the technology. It's precisely the kind of dialog that I value; uplifting, non-judgemental, and informative.
These issues are complex. You can't cut it down a line and say yes this and no that. You don't know where other people are coming from or what their reasoning is, and you don't have the right to judge them. You are most welcome to join our community and participate in our discussions in good faith, but if you are only there to lurk and spy and look for dirt on people, you should take a good hard look at your motivations for that behavior.
By the way, I understand why you would make the assumption that I am Christian based on my previous statement about Jesus. I admire the ideals that Jesus represents, but I put no special weight on the words of the Christian Bible over any other historical text. I am choosing to overlook the references you made that seem to imply I am duplicitous and greedy. My formative experience in a non-denominational Christian cult left me with a deep need to reject absolutes, and respect individuality. I am agnostic, which means I don't think it's possible to know what is and is not true, but I am always learning and always seeking that truth. That's actually a good metaphor for this whole situation. I'm agnostic about Al too.
Say it's playing both sides, if you must. This is who I am. I do not pander to anyone. I can't spend any more energy on this. I'm not going to judge or punish people for the software they use, and I'm not going to stand idly by when people around me are hurt by this senseless vitriol. Intolerance and discrimination are never okay.
I believe we've said what needs to be said, but I'm not going to turn off my anonymous asks. If you feel the need to offer a private rebuttal, feel free. I will not respond publicly again. You can dm me here or on discord if you really want to have a sincere conversation. I'm not interested in holding a grudge. I just want you to leave people alone.
Scripture references:
- Proverbs 11:3 NIV - The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.
- Luke 12:15 NIV - Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”
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hi it's my first anon ask ever so I'm nervous but just wanted to vent briefly about a couple of popular jimmy ships. I might be lacking some information / outdated topics but I work with what I know for ig
I'm so glad flwerhsbands is dead. I loved watching their POV in third life but not because it was a dreamland cottagecore relationship, and it was mildly off putting when others thought of it as such. Jim being belittled all the time behind his back wasn't cute. it was interesting cause of how they liked eachother enough but misunderstood the other and their alliance in many ways. If they ever realigned it would probably be the same, maybe worse, and that would not feel good.
Next rachers. I haven't fully watched their povs so I may be wrong abt this but. They weren't romantic in DL but they were good to eachother. Yet it feels like m/m for the ship is like equal to every other fic they are major in, romo or not. I don't get it. I have read and enjoyed a few, but it unnerved me when fics would make them the same age / wouldn't acknowledge the age difference. Idk why it's popularity creeps me so much. I love how supportive they are but they read as just friends to me.
Lastly and completely unrelated, it's great that jim's had more times where he's not the butt of the joke this year (between skrnachers plate up and Joel cooling it on the bullying), gives him opportunities to explore different roles and it makes the teasing more enjoyable (to an extent and at viewer's opinion) when there's that diversity. Oh my god this was not brief I am so sorry.
This is very brief by my standards anon don't even worry LOL. Absolutely agree with the FH segment. I've said this twelve thousand times but I can never reiterate enough that I don't inherently dislike their dynamic in the Life series and instead find it really compelling. I don't think Scott is just straight up evil (he is not one of my blorbos but is at least in the top 3 of most interesting traffic characters without a doubt) and I don't want Jimmy to suffer but regardless the narrative isn't up to me, only my interpretation based on what I see
With ranchers, I think I can understand you feeling this way but I'll be blunt in that I personally couldn't care less about the age gap even if people choose to abide by it whilst talking about characters and not CCs, so I'm not bothered if it isn't brought up, god knows I haven't either in my rancher art or writing. In addition, most creatives within the fandom from my judgement keep these characters as kind of ambiguous players in a game without real life counterparts and within this game world, as many other things associated with real life, specific age could be obsolete, which I think is perfectly fine as far as HC and Traffic at least go as they're all adults. I could very easily see ranchers anywhere on the platonic-romantic spectrum (and it is a spectrum to me, not a scale) because two adults, I don't care, but I can see where some people take discomfort with it, and the age gap could frankly be something interesting to comment on within their dynamic, if, again, people chose to keep it strictly true to the CC ages. I have heard of people trying to counterbalance "toxic FH" with "toxic ranchers" in retaliation and using the age gap as the reason which has probably contributed to me not being able to give a fuck, because that's just kind of funny to me
And yes, ahh Jimmy's competency... it never went anywhere, it's just the environment that enforces this anti-Jimmy pretence so it's no surprise that he's able to shine more when surrounded with people supportive of him. Or not even supportive, just not belittling. That's why smallidarity gradually became my favorite little thing because Joel's relationship with Jimmy I think is really interesting in how it's changed and what it offers in commentary of the Jimmy ecosystem that Joel has been a strong contributor to before. Like unironically I think about that tweet Jimmy made in passing all the time where he replied to Joel talking about his attempted sacrifice to him in Limited Life and how the idea was illogical, and Jimmy went "That's the point, that you tried, no one's ever done that for me"
#blabber#trafficshipping#Im trying to use this tag for filtering purposes for people who do that I really hope no one bothers reading this if they find it accidenta
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In your latest post about regulus (asking why people like him) someone told you to check the anti regulus tag and you expressed confusion, because you never heard about the tag.
so like...I don't know if you're still confused? Because you have to use "anti (character)" tags when you're posting (character) critical content. People who love (character) can filter the tag out, that way they wouldn't have to see that type of content.
(it's fandom etiquette, also there are anti (ship) tags as well, if you don't like Jegulus or something else)
So when you answered that anon ask about Severus with criticism under only the "Severus Snape" tag without the anti Severus tag, I'm wondering if you realize this was going to come across as attack? Because it's entering Severus fan spaces, bypassing the filter?
Which means Severus fans will respond to you...hence why you're getting attacked?
Did you mean to start the argument? Or was that you not knowing how tags work? It's fine if you didn't know btw, this whole thing is just confusing me.
- 🎀
hey i'm gonna try to be nice here but this is sort of getting on my nerves.
this whole thing is confusing me so much.
i made a post about severus snape. so i tagged severus snape. because severus snape is mentioned in the post. that's how you categorize. if a book talks about cooking, you put it in the cooking section. regardless of favor, that's how you categorize. for example, people write books about thomas jefferson. one book may talk about the good things thomas jefferson did, and another may talk about the bad things thomas jefferson did. regardless of this favor or lack of favor, both books will be categorized by the topic being thomas jefferson. i don't understand why it isn't the same way here?
i love a great many fictional characters, and when i see a critique of them, i read it carefully, and then i either respond to it with my opinion, make my own post discussing my opinion, or i scroll past it. and it's great! i got to see someone else's opinion, and regardless of whether or not i agree with it, i've learned a new perspective on a character i love. why wouldn't people want the same? don't people want to learn everything about their favorite characters? don't people want rich and diverse perspectives on worlds that they adore?
besides, i think the notion that i "asked to be attacked" by posting and tagging snape is simply ridiculous. it's like me saying "i hate bread because it tastes bad and it has a funky texture." and then someone responding with "you are so stupid for hating bread. bread has all of these benefits. you're reductionist and simple for hating bread". like i didn't ask for those insults at all! all i said was that i hated bread! it would be one thing if i said "everyone who likes bread is disgusting and slimy and will never get married". but i didn't say that. i just said that i hated bread.
also if you know me (which you don't, so it is fine), then you know how i feel about censorship. i refuse to engage in censorship of any kind unless it has to do with shielding children from danger. and this is not shielding children from danger. it's having a differing opinion from my fellow man, which is one of the largest stepping stones in the pond of humanity. i refuse to hide my opinion behind an "anti" tag when someone reading it can simply stop reading it. i find the notion of trying to avoid any nuance or anything that pops your ignorant little internet bubble absolutely ridiculous and i refuse to contribute to that culture.
do i like that snape defenders are up my ass and targeting my intelligence and being horrifically rude to me for expressing an opinion? no! i despise it wholeheartedly. but at the same time, it's an engagement, a discourse, a conversation with my fellow man in which i learn more about the world. like for example, i learned that there hasn't been a single snape defender i've talked to about snape who is actually mature and decently kind. and if i had to choose between hiding the post and getting no rude replies or showing the post and getting rude replies but also an interesting perspective on something that can be interpreted in many different ways, then i'll choose the latter every time.
i have thick skin, i can take a bit of internet harassment, though i won't hesitate to complain about it, because again, it is unwarranted!
not to be rude, but i personally don't care what fandom etiquette is. i don't have to do anything. i don't care that everyone else is doing it. i'm going to do things my way, and if people don't like it, they can block me and stay in their bubbles.
#marauders#the marauders#marauders era#marauders fandom#hp marauders#severus snape#because i'm funny like that and i'm just gonna keep tagging it because well#like i said#categorization#fandom#fandom etiquette#is kinda stupid#omg omg who said that
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Enter the Casinoverse: Why I Don't Like Multiverse Stuff.
I probably should be resting instead of writing, or at least writing stuff that actually counts towards my writing goals, but dammit, this is how I relax, and I finally found a way to tackle this topic properly.
Over the last decade or so, I've come to loathe all the multiverse fare in pop culture. This is probably because it's gotten so overexposed in media, but also because comic books were running it into the ground well before I was born. When I actually got into comics in the 90s, a lot of the older fans used to pine for the "good old days" when DC had a multiverse, and everybody was constantly teaming up with their Golden Age self to fight their Evil Universe self. DC keeps teasing bringing the Multiverse back, and sometimes they even go through with it, but it's like they can never get it quite right or something, but they refuse to just commit to anything, and that's one reason I don't read DC comics anymore.
These days the Marvel Cinematic Universe keeps horsing around with the idea, and even using "Multiverse" in one of the movie titles. I haven't watched the Dr. Strange movies, but my idea of a good Dr. Strange story is Doc traveling through a dimension that looks like a Salvador Dali painting, battling Lovecraftian horrors by uttering spells that rhyme. Then he goes home to hang out with Namor and the Incredible Hulk, and Queen's "It's a Kind of Magic" is playing the entire time. But sure, have Benedict Cumberbatch screw around with AU Reed Richards and revisit some of the dirt-worst Scarlet Witch stories ever written, all for the sake of setting up Phase Five. Sounds good.
Here's the problem: The whole premise of a multiverse story is that none of it matters, because somewhere out there is another set of universes where everything turned out differently. There's a DC direct-to-home-video cartoon about this, where the Justice League battles their Evil Counterparts, and the Evil Batman is named Owlman. His plan is to destroy the entire multiverse, including himself, because he he's a nihilist. Faced with an infinite reality where every possible decision has already been made somewhere else, he wants to blow up the entire thing, because that's the only choice that can actually matter.
I like Owlman's speech, but he's a dope. Batman stops him before he can go through with his plan, but it still doesn't matter, because even if it worked, there would still be an alternate reality where Owlman didn't destroy the multiverse. At best, he can only wipe out parts of it, because it goes on forever. Owlman believes there's some "Prime" universe from which all the others originated, but he has no way to know for sure. I guess he doesn't need to actually be capable of destroying reality to be a good villain. His frustration and willingness to try is sufficient.
Nevertheless, the multiverse concept is deceptive because it seems to raise the stakes. Instead of fighting for one world, the good guys have to fight for many worlds! What could be better? But ultimately it lowers the stakes by presenting too many shortcuts and loopholes. Instead of defending one home which is precious and irreplaceable, the heroes have to live with the knowledge that there are infinite copies, and they could just as easily switch over to one of them when things go wrong. Instead of getting to know other characters with diverse backgrounds and histories, they wind up bonding with alternate versions of themselves.
I'm trying to be careful here because I've heard the Spider-Verse movies are quite good, but I haven't seen them yet so I can't comment on how they might have gotten the formula right. My best guess is that they focus on very different versions of Spider-Man. Miles is different from Peter who is different from Miguel, etc. They seem more like the Green Lantern Corps than a multiverse concept. A fraternity of superheroes with the same powers, that just happens to be operating across multiple Earths instead of outer space. "No Way Home" went the opposite direction, with three Peter Parkers all being amazed that they each had an Uncle Ben who told them about great responsibility, like this is some big revelation.
The multiverse premise also suggests a broader canvas for greater creativity, but in practice it always seems to mean repeating the same ideas over and over. Hence the Council of Cross-Time Kangs, or the Flash teaming up with himself to fight... himself. Or the MCU revealing that Dr. Doom will be played by the same guy who already featured heavily in nine of their previous movies. You'd think an infinitude of universes would open the door for all sorts of bizarre ideas, but instead they just use it to bring back dead characters like Loki, so he can join the Time Variance Authority, which in the comics was a bureaucratic organization made up of identical men who all looked like Marvel Comics editor Mark Gruenwald. Loki's job in the TVA was apparently to apprehend... another Loki. Brilliant.
I'm not saying these projects can't be successful, or even well-told. Again, a lot of people were high on the Spider-Verse stuff, and it looks pretty cool. I need to check it out. But I've seen lots and lots of stories that get it wrong, or use it as a crutch, or present it like some novel concept that hasn't already been going on for decades. The TV show "Sliders" aired from 1995 to 2000, and its opening credits had to explain the premise, probably because general audiences weren't familiar with the concept. That was a quarter-century ago. And I got bored with "Sliders" after the first season.
You might be wondering how Multiverse Stuff is different from Alternate Timeline Stuff. And you're right, the two ideas tend to blend together a lot. My personal definition is that an Alternate Timeline depends on some sort of time anomaly or time travel to exist. For example, in "Back to the Future II", Old Biff goes back from 2015 to 1955 and gives his younger self the sports almanac. This creates the "Hell Valley" timeline where 1985 Biff is rich and powerful. When Doc and Marty go to 1955 and destroy the almanac, the "Hell Valley" timeline is prevented and it no longer exists.
By contrast, the parallel worlds seen in "Sliders" or DC's multiverse appeared to be permanent fixtures. They may have been spawned by decisions made in some "prime" reality, but they couldn't be un-made like "Hell Valley". DC's Earth-2 was a place you could just go to whenever you wanted, but "Hell Valley" only existed for as long as the future almanac was in the past.
This was something I liked a lot about Terminator 5. It had its problems, but the movie's premise was kind of fun for a fourth sequel to a time travel movie. Both sides of the conflict have been using time travel to win their war, but there's only one world, so all of the characters remember events from timelines that no longer exist because of all the tampering. They each have ideas about what was supposed to happen, but all bets seem to be off.
So, with all that said, let me talk about the 1995 film "Casino". It's based on real world events involving the Chicago Outfit's skimming operation in 1970's Las Vegas. The names were changed for the movie, and some events are retooled to work better for the movie, but I started reading the book this was all based on, and it's interesting to me how closely the movie matches up so far.
The story is the same, though. I'll stick to the movie version, since I know it better. The mob installs a trusted bookie (Sam "Ace" Rothstein, played by Robert DeNiro) to run their casino, the Tangiers. Ace's job is to run a tight ship and make the casino as profitable as possible, so the Outfit can send a guy into the casino's count room every month to steal a bunch of money. The "skim" is a bit more complicated than this, from what I understand, but the point is to avoid paying taxes on the profits. A made man, Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci), is sent to Vegas to protect the Outfit's investment.
But by the early 80's the whole operation goes wrong. The FBI uncovers the skim. Ace screws up his marriage and career because he's too stubborn to compromise and too greedy to cut his losses. Nicky defies the Chicago Outfit by trying to become his own boss in Vegas, and the Outfit fails to deal with any of these issues until it's too late. I guess you could call it a tragedy, in the sense that everyone is brought down by the same brutal and venal talents that made them successful in the first place.
What makes the movie so awesome is how inevitable this is. There is no Plan B for any of the characters. Ace's wife Ginger (Sharon Stone) tries to find a way out of her abusive marriage, but every path leads to her demise. Nicky screws up so badly that he can't even go near Las Vegas by the end of the movie. He thinks he still has prospects in the mob, but instead he gets executed for all the trouble he caused for the bosses. Ace gets so focused on running the Tangiers that he loses sight of what he's really there to do: Supporting the skim operation. He survives the events of the movie and ends up living in San Diego, but he'll never again be the big shot he was in Vegas.
The point I'm trying to make here is that there isn't a "Las Vegas 2" these characters can go to and start over. This is their big opportunity in life, the only one they'll ever get, and they all blow it. And it's not just one or two big mistakes that bring it all crashing down. It's lots of little blunders and unforced errors that happen over the course of the movie. It's a beautiful thing, because when you rewatch the film, you realize just how many chances they had to save the thing, and they kept zigging when they needed to zag.
For example, let's talk about Joe Bob Briggs. The host of TNT Monstervision got a small part in "Casino" as this Nevadan Slot Manager named Don Ward. I'm not even sure what his job was in the movie, except to watch the slot machines and make sure his area was clean. Ace says he had to hire Don Ward because his cousin-in-law Pat Webb is the county commissioner, and they need support from local officials like Webb to maintain the mob's control of the Tangiers.
Later in the movie, Ace fires Don Ward for general incompetence. It's not clear what Don did wrong, but someone won a bunch of money on his slots, so Ace is sure there was cheating going on, since the odds of winning that big are astronomical. Don was either stupid enough to let it happen, or he was in cahoots with the cheaters, so either way, Ace wants him out. This upsets Pat Webb, who tries to talk Ace into hiring Don back as a personal favor. But Ace refuses to budge.
And this is a big mistake, because throughout the whole movie, Ace has been running the casino without a gaming license, and relying on a loophole that lets him do the job as long as his application is still pending. Before, everyone was willing to look the other way, but now that Ace has angered the county commissioner who handles those applications, Pat Webb fast tracks the application and it gets denied, making Ace's position even more tenuous.
And from there Ace becomes more worried about vindication and getting his license than his actual job: Supporting the skim. If he had just kept Don Ward on the payroll, and tolerated his incompetence, then maybe things could have been different. Maybe some of the other dominoes in the movie wouldn't have fallen. But he made his choices and the movie played out the way it did.
So when you watch the movie, it's tempting to play What If and imagine things going a different way. This is what Multiverse stories try to do all the time. Ace Rothstein meets his AU counterpart who still runs the Tangiers and patched things up with Ginger and Nicky. Then they team up to fight an Ace who ratted everyone out to the FBI, which I guess is just Lefty Rosenthal, the real life guy Ace Rothstein was based on.
The problem is that the alternate scenarios don't make sense. Multiverse stories love to present ideas like "What if the Nazi's won World War II?" but they neglect to consider whether such a scenario is even possible. The whole "infinite worlds from infinite choices" concept presumes that every scenario is equally possible. The Nazis didn't win World War II, and they probably never really had much of a chance, since their strategies usually involved taking badly needed oil resources from countries they hadn't finished invading. It's more complicated than that, sure, but when you learn more about the war, you begin to realize just how steep the odds were for Nazi Germany.
But I didn't want to get into all that historical analysis, which is why I'm talking about the movie "Casino". Joe Bob Briggs' role in the movie is a little easier to discuss. What if Ace rehired him? Ace wouldn't re-hire him, though. He was too stubborn and arrogant to go back on his decision. Pat Webb warned him of the consequences, but he stuck to his guns. Whatever money loss Don Ward caused for the Casino was surely a pittance compared to the eventual loss of the entire skim operation, but Ace couldn't see it that way.
Well what if he could see it that way? What if hats were ants? Look, if you rewrite the story where Ace Rothstein always does the most logical thing, he never would have gone to Vegas in the first place. He never would have gotten involved with organized crime in the first place. He wouldn't have been a bookie in the first place. He would have become an accountant or something.
Or take Nicky Santoro for example. He got too big for his britches and started doing mafia stuff in Las Vegas because no one else was doing it, so he had no competition. Great, except the reason for that was because the Outfit purposely suppressed that kind of crime in Vegas in order to encourage tourism. More tourists means more gambling, which makes the casino more profitable and the skim even greater. Everyone wins, as long as Nicky stays quiet and does his actual job: Protecting the skim.
But Nicky couldn't do that, because he was too ambitious and aggressive to just sit around waiting to respond to trouble. And all the bosses were 1700 miles away, so he could start robbing jewelry stores and hotel rooms and dating Ginger behind Sam's back without any consequences. Well what if he just... didn't do all that? What if he stopped and realized how badly that would mess things up? Because if he didn't make those kinds of mistakes, he wouldn't be Nicky Santoro! That's why!
The simple fact is that Nicky is a violent, ambitious man. When he wants something, he takes it. That's the character. He can be reasoned with, but only to a certain extent. Early in the film, he shakes down bookies for money. Later in the film, he tries the same thing with an investment banker, as if that's the same thing. To him it is, because he thinks he's invincible, but to the rest of the world, its ridiculous. The bookies can't stop him because no one in law enforcement would care if they got whacked, but an investment banker can go to the authorities. There is no alternate universe where Nicky Santoro is a chill guy who only does bad things when his superiors tell him to. Because that guy wouldn't be cut out for the mafia in the first place.
This is why alternate timeline concepts work better, because there has to be an inciting incident that creates them. Trunks goes back in time and warns Goku about the androids and the heart virus, so now we have a timeline where Goku lives and one where he died. And we don't have to trouble ourselves with 500 other universes where Goku doesn't like to fight, or 37 realities where Goku is a porn star, or that one AU where he got the bit role in "Casino" instead of Joe Bob Briggs.
This is why I got sick of "Sliders" back in the 90s, because they would find themselves in an alternate universe where women overthrew the patriarchy, or the British won the Revolutionary War, but they would never adequately explain how those things happened. The one where the women run everything was especially insulting, because one of the characters reads a history book and explains that the women just got fed up one day and took over. Like, that's it. It's that simple. It's the most interesting aspect of the show and they don't even bother with it. If it was a time travel story, then you'd have to show a character going back in time and actually doing something to cause history to change, and then explain why that one change worked.
This is why "Back to the Future II" works, because it's simple enough to understand that if 1955 Biff knows the outcome of every sports event for the next fifty years, he can win big by placing bets with bookies, like the Earth-7 Ace Rothstein, who never went to Las Vegas and became a bookie in Hill Valley instead. It's the same Biff, with the same wants and desires and flaws, but now he has an advantage that he didn't have before, and we can see the character taken to the logical extreme.
I suppose this is the gripe I have with that animated movie version of Owlman, becuse it's kind of silly that an ominverse-killing nihilist just happens to still be similar enough to Batman that he throws knives and ropes and such, and he dresses up in a Batman costume even though he's supposed to look like an owl. It would all work a lot better if he was just a whole new character without any ties to Batman at all.
I don't really have a neat little conclusion to put on this. Studios are probably going to keep milking mutliverse fare until it stops making money. The idea will never entirely go away. It's not the worst thing in the world or anything like that, but I do sort of wish everyone else was getting just as bored with it as I am, so that we could move on to some other cliche, like boat chases, or sexy assassins.
And this is where it's nice to just write my own stuff, because at least I can make my own stories where the Time Patrol doesn't get bogged down with Goku-on-Goku action.
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Keep Moving Forwards, Part 16
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Azriel x Reader Fic
Summary: After finally deciding to leave your abusive and manipulative mate for good, you find unexpected companionship with Azriel, the Shadowsinger of the Night Court. As you navigate the aftermath of your traumatic relationship, you struggle to understand where the mating bond went wrong and contemplate your path forward, vowing never to return to the past.
Find other parts here: Master List
To follow this fic, follow tag "Keep Moving Forwards Fic" or comment to be tagged in future parts.
Content Warning: This story contains depictions of extreme emotional manipulation and abuse, detailed descriptions of direct physical abuse, and scenes of men hunting women with implied sexual assault. Please read at your own risk.
Word Count: 2.2k
Author's Note: This is a multi-part series. Unlike my previous works, this fanfiction delves deeper than just fluff, exploring complex emotional landscapes. As I navigate this new writing journey, I kindly ask for gentle feedback. The topics addressed are profoundly impactful, touching many lives with diverse experiences. Please be gentle with yourselves and others. Healing is a journey, and everyone processes it differently. Be kind to yourself. Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t.
Please continue reading, being aware of the above content warnings, ensuring you are in a healthy headspace. Give yourself time to process and be gentle with yourself.
The world felt soft around you. You took a deep breath in through your nose as you curled deeper into the softness of the blanket. You gripped it and felt a hard frame dig under your fingers, and a soft rise and fall. You curled your head in and felt a heavy hand resting on your hip, a welcome pressure and warmth as you yawned slightly, wiping your face onto the blanket. You opened your eyes and became aware of where you were, and when you looked up, you saw Kai, his mouth slightly open, breathing slowly in and out. You shot up, awaking Kai as you did, accidentally pushing into his stomach and he let out a grunt as the air left his lungs.
“Well good morning to you too.” He wheezed out, rubbing the back of his head.
“I’m so sorry.” You said, rising up, brushing the front of your dress down. “I shouldn’t have stayed. I’m sorry.”
Kai only looked at you, his brows furrowed in confusion. “What?”
“I shouldn’t have stayed, I’m sorry.” You repeated, trying to gather your shoes you’d taken off.
“You don’t need to rush off.” Kai said, and then added, “And you don’t need to apologize either.”
“I just-” you started, “I shouldn’t have done all of this.”
“Y/N, it’s okay,” Kai repeated.
You tried to calm your racing thoughts as you dug in the blankets for your other shoe.
“Y/N, just stop.” Kai ordered, “Just calm down.”
You stopped, your chest heaving.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“I just-” you started, “I shouldn’t have told you all of that last night, and I shouldn’t have stayed.”
“You would have left in the middle of the night? And then what?”
You stammered out, “I’m sorry Kai, this was a mistake.”
Kai gestured around, “Where is the mistake? We had dinner, we drank, we talked, we fell asleep.”
You tried to reason through your feelings. Why did you feel so dirty, so foul. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” You said.
“What idea should I not be getting?” Kai asked.
You stammered again, “That I’m like, leading you on.”
Kai chuckled. “Ah, I see.”
You looked at him, slightly confused by his response.
“We had dinner,” Kai repeated, “And then you fell asleep. I don’t see where me offering you dinner and then us spending time together is you leading me on.” You looked at him, unsure of what to say, “And even if I felt those feelings towards you, I’m a grown male. I can handle rejection.”
You tried to speak but couldn’t get anything out other than, “I’m sorry,” you dropped your face to your hands, “I’m being stupid.”
Kai chuckled, “Yes, but that’s nothing new.”
You shook your head. “I shouldn’t have told you all of that.”
Kai rose to his feet, slightly taller than you and approached you, pulling your hands down, “I asked.” He said, “You told me.”
You shook your head, “It’s not your concern.”
“You’re right,” Kai responded. “It’s not, unless I want to think about it. Which I may. And I may feel sad you have to deal with all of it, but it’s not life changing for me. And I don’t regret you telling me.”
You shook your head again, Kai pushed your chin up to look at him, “I don’t think less of you. I’m not upset and I don’t feel burdened with this information about your life.” He joked, “And I’m also not falling in love with you, since apparently you think so highly of yourself.”
You smiled and chuckled slightly.
Kai stepped back, “So let’s move on. Let’s call it what it was, a fun night between friends.” You nodded slightly. Swallowing back your fear. “Nothing more.”
“Nothing more.” You repeated.
________________________________________________________
You helped Kai clean the cottage up, folding the blanket back, and rinsing plates in the well behind it. The whole time Kai made idle chitchat seemingly normal in comparison to your own mind which continued to race with regret. This male, so kind and pure, so unburdened and the second you felt a moment of comfort you may as well have slit your stomach open and let the contents fall out in front of him. You cursed the ease at which you allowed yourself to share all of that. You tried to justify it being the wine, but you had feared for a while getting too close to anyone again. You couldn’t fully figure out why you felt so against letting people in, but you felt an inherent need to distrust whoever you could, as if in any moment they might turn on you.
Kai helped you load the rest of your things onto Clover, who seemed annoyed that you were intending to still make the journey home. He seemed content to live the rest of his days on Kai’s lawn.
When you tried to say a speedy goodbye Kai turned you to look at him. “Hey,” he started, “I’ll see you later?” He asked.
You nodded slightly, and wished him well, turning to walk back into the woods. As you retraced your steps, you replayed the scene in your mind—the happiness and peace you felt wrapped in Kai’s arms, how quiet the world had seemed to be. Your mate was absent last night and eerily silent today, leaving an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. Days turned into nights and back into days again, a routine of solitude and fleeting shadows that seemed to drift behind trees and under bushes, always keeping you on edge.
When you returned home, you released Clover into his pen and unloaded your bags onto the table in your cabin. Taking a deep breath, you tried to steady yourself. The world wouldn’t end just because you’d opened the door to someone. You kept repeating this to yourself, knowing Kai held no ill will and had no ulterior motive. He had laughed but had sworn to keep your secrets.
You tried to busy yourself, but your mind kept flitting back to the conversation, distracting you to the point where you accidentally sliced your finger while cutting vegetables. You watched the blood seep from the wound, dripping onto the dirt below as you tried to focus on the searing pain.
You wouldn't ruin this for yourself. You wouldn’t run from this.
---
A few weeks later, as summer faded into autumn, you found yourself running low on sugar and flour. You were also growing stir-crazy from being alone, so you decided to take a trip into the village, opting to leave Clover behind. The entire journey, you rehearsed what you would say to Kai, trying to sound normal, which just made you feel more strange. You did the entire journey in a day, propelled by your own anxiety.
When you crested the hill, peering down into the village, you gulped down your fear. You ran your usual errands, not sure if you were hoping to see Kai or not. After getting what you needed and exchanging pleasantries, you found yourself standing in front of his cottage door. Your hand hovered above the door for a good minute as you raised and lowered it, debating whether to knock. Finally, you built up the confidence and knocked, your heart in your throat.
From behind you, you heard, “Thank gods you finally did it.”
You whipped around to see Kai, his linen shirt slightly unbuttoned, casually leaning against the banister of the stairs. “I thought we’d be here for another hour before you finally got around to it.”
“You ass!” you yelled. “How long have you been standing here?”
“As long as you’ve been considering knocking,” Kai chuckled, shaking the loose hair out of his face.
“You really are an ass, you know that?” you threw at him.
Kai stood from the banister, walking up the stairs to you, opening the door. “Only when you remind me,” he said, flashing you a cheeky grin.
You stood in the doorway as Kai entered, throwing down his satchel full of tools and kicking off his boots. He turned over his shoulder, “You coming?”
You stepped through the door, standing awkwardly near the entrance as you pulled it shut behind you.
Kai busied himself unpacking his bag before he looked up at you from where he squatted on the floor. “You gonna say something or did you just come here to stare at my glorious physique?” he asked, gesturing to himself.
You stammered out, “I- I don’t know why I’m feeling so nervous.”
Kai furrowed his brow, standing up, rubbing his hands on his pants. “Why are you nervous?” he asked.
“I-I just have been feeling really off these last few weeks,” you said.
Kai rubbed his hands over his face. “Gods, Y/N, are you still thinking about what happened? Or what didn’t happen?” he asked.
“No!” you said back, slightly too loudly.
Kai chuckled, “So then what’s got you so jumpy?”
You swallowed, and Kai looked slightly concerned. “Y/N, what’s wrong?” he asked, taking a few steps towards you.
Your eyes widened as he closed the gap between you. “I-” you started until he was in front of you, peering down at you with concern in those green eyes. Those beautifully green eyes.
“I-” you stammered again, and then you were up on your toes, your hands wrapping around the back of his neck, fingers curling into that stupidly unkempt hair, your lips pressing into his with a desperation you didn’t know you had in you. Kai seemed taken aback slightly, his arms wide before he melted into your kiss. He leaned forward, bringing you back down onto your feet, his arms wrapping around your back and waist as you tasted each other. He tasted of sun and sweat, and you pressed yourself deeper into him, your hand clenched in his hair, eliciting a groan from him. Kai pressed you against the door, his body curling against yours, one hand firmly against the wood. Your tongues danced, the sound of your breathing echoing between you as you explored each other’s lips. You gripped his shirt as though you were dying of thirst, and Kai lifted you slightly, his hand pressing into you.
When you finally pulled back, you kept your eyes closed, your lips slightly parted as you breathed heavily. You opened your eyes to see Kai smiling slightly down at you.
“That’s what you were nervous about?” he joked.
You scowled at him. “No.”
Kai laughed, “Then can you tell me, or can we kiss some more?”
You rolled your eyes. “You’re an idiot.”
“A handsome, irresistible idiot that you couldn’t wait to kiss?” he asked.
You pushed your hands into his chest, giggling slightly. “I can most certainly resist you.”
“Mm, doesn’t seem like you can, given you debated for about an hour about knocking on my door,” Kai said as you pushed past him into the main room. He turned to look at you, leaning casually against the door, eyes glazed and his hair tousled where you had run your hands through it.
“You certainly think highly of yourself,” you mocked him, crossing your arms.
Kai smirked, “I have to admit, I do feel like a winner.” You rolled your eyes as Kai looked at you. “Let it be told that you kissed me. You started that.”
You looked to the floor, rubbing your forehead slightly. “I know,” you laughed out. “I-I don’t know why I did that.”
Kai gestured to himself, “Irresistible charm and charisma.”
“Sure,” you responded. “I’m sorry.”
“You love that phrase,” he said. You glared at him. “I’m just saying, you say that every other sentence.”
“I do not!” you scowled at him.
“You do too,” he said back. “You look at me when I’m talking to you and apologize for it.”
“Well I’m-” you caught yourself.
“See! You were about to do it again,” Kai said, pointing at you.
“I was not!”
“You absolutely were,” Kai immediately said back.
“You’re so annoying,” you groaned at him.
“Annoyingly handsome?” he smirked back.
“You know I had plans to come here to tell you I needed some distance and time,” you said, leaning against the table.
“And then you attacked me and kissed me.”
“I did not!” you shouted.
“Mm, kind of did,” he said, shrugging. “Seems a little counterintuitive.”
“Look,” you started. Kai looked at you, but you ran out of words to say.
“I’m going to be honest,” Kai said, “I’m not sure I can so easily just pretend that it didn't mean anything. But if you need that to just have been an overcome moment of emotional vulnerability, and you don’t want it to mean anything, I can try to act like that,” he offered.
You shook your head, unsure what to say.
“Or we can move on like that didn’t happen.”
You considered the options, but with Kai standing across from you, so casual, so easy to be with and talk to, so close—you didn’t want to just act like it didn’t mean anything.
You crossed closer to him. “I think it doesn’t not mean anything.”
Kai furrowed his brow, looking up slightly. “So that means...?” he said.
“Shut up and kiss me again,” you growled at him. And he did.
Everything inside of you felt as though it were on fire. Every sensation became heightened as you were enveloped in the kiss, from your fingertips down to your toes. You took him in, tasted him, and devoured him. For the first time in a long time, your mind went completely silent. Kai gripped your hip, hoisting you onto the table. Your legs wrapped around his waist as he ran his hands down the small of your back, while your hands explored his shoulders and neck, firm from years of hauling downed trees. The only sounds in the cottage were those of kissing and heavy breathing. Kai’s touch was tentative, his hands gently grazing your skin, as if he were fighting himself from gripping you entirely. You brought your hands to his cheeks, pressing firmly into them as your tongue danced with his.
You hadn’t felt this much uncontrolled passion in years, and your body seemed desperate for more. Anything more that could be offered, you would take. You yearned for someone to touch you, to run their hands over your sacred skin without it burning in pain. You wished night after night for someone to savor your kiss, for you to want to give it without fighting. And here was Kai, hands searching for comfort, moving with your own as if in a dance where you led. His rhythm matched yours as you enveloped yourself in him, your chest pressing into his as you urged him closer, deeper into yourself.
This male, this glorious male who had listened to you, watched you bumble through the history of your life with nothing but a smile on his face, was now fully yours in this moment. Between your legs, you felt the heat of your own anticipation, a longing you hadn’t felt in a very long time. In pressing your hips into Kai’s, it became clear that he too wanted more than what lips could provide. You reached your hand down between the two of you, running your hand up and down the length of him, eliciting a moan from his open mouth.
“Y/N-” he started, the sound of it like ecstasy leaving his lips.
You gripped the back of his head, pulling him closer as you moaned in response.
Kai shifted a bit, pulling back, and you groaned in protest. Your body suddenly lacked the warmth of his, and you felt an immediate emptiness where he had been. You opened your eyes to meet his, slightly downturned, not nearly as glazed over as you were sure your own were.
“Y/N,” he said again.
You sought answers within his eyes, wondering if he was not enjoying this despite what his body had told you.
“What?” you asked, breath barely leaving you.
Kai shook his head, throwing the hair from his eyes. “We need to slow down.”
You shot him a quizzical look, feeling the weight of the world collapse onto your shoulders. “What?” you repeated, pulling the hem of your skirt back down your thighs.
“I just-” Kai started, refusing to meet your gaze. “You’ve been through a lot, and I just want to make sure that you want this.”
You tilted your head slightly, the blood rising in your cheeks. “What do you mean? Of course I want this. I kissed you.”
Kai shook his head lightly, finally meeting you with his green eyes. “I’m just worried that you’re moving quickly, given you haven’t been with anyone since...” He paused, stammering a bit.
You felt a flicker of flame in your stomach as you furrowed your brow, your voice slightly laced with confusion and anger. “What do you think I’m doing?”
“Nothing!” Kai responded. “I don’t know.” He paused, looking towards the floor as he wrapped his hands around the back of his head. “I just don’t want you to rush into this because you think it will make everything better.”
You shook your head in confusion, as though trying to shake those words from existence. “No,” you whispered. “No, that’s not at all what I’m doing.”
Kai looked at you, his eyes focused and hardened. “Am I the first male you’ve been with since him?”
Your eyes frantically searched his face as you paused, considering what answer he might be looking for. “Yes,” you finally answered.
Kai swallowed, and you watched his throat bob as he lingered on your answer. “Am I the first male you’ve told about... everything?”
You took a deep breath in, the flame in your stomach rising higher. “Yes,” you firmly answered.
Kai softened slightly, taking another step towards you, taking your hand in both of his, pressing softly into it. “I just don’t want you to throw yourself into this because I’m the only one you’ve shared this with.”
You pushed back slightly. “Kai, I’m not just throwing myself at you because you did that.”
“I wasn’t saying you were,” he started, but you continued.
“No, no. You’re saying that you think all anyone had to do was listen to my sob story, and I would just fall into their arms?”
Kai’s mouth parted slightly as his eyebrows fell, hardening in defense. “That’s not at all what I’m saying.”
“What? Do you think that I can’t control myself? Or that I haven’t considered all of this?”
“No! I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
You almost yelled out, “Then don’t hurt me!”
Kai stopped, his face softening again as you bore deeply into those green pools. Your own head shook slightly as you sucked your lips between your teeth.
Kai stepped closer, wrapping his hand around your cheek, weaving his fingers into your hair. “I wouldn’t hurt you,” he promised as you slightly turned your head away. He pulled his other hand up to meet the other side of your face, turning you back to him. “Hey, I would never, ever, ever want to hurt you. I don’t even think I could.”
You scanned his face, so innocent, so willing to make promises with so little understanding of their gravity. Kai’s eyes closed as he leaned into you, his lips grazing yours as you let your own eyes close, leaning back into him. His lips softened as you did, as though he pulled the tension from your body through the connection of the two of you and disposed of it. Your body melted back in slightly, but you intended to still hold on to some of the rising displeasure in your stomach.
When he pulled back, you gave him a feigned scowl. “I don’t like that you have that as an option now,” you declared.
Kai only smiled and gave you another soft peck. “I just want to enjoy this with you.”
You rolled your eyes. “Sure.”
“I’m serious,” Kai gripped your face. “I just want to make sure that this is good for you.”
You shook from his grip. “I’ll be sure to give you a performance update,” you smirked.
Kai’s eyes rolled as he let out a soft huff of exasperation, then smiled genuinely at you. “Just don’t shut me out,” he pleaded slightly.
Your face fell slightly flatter as you just responded, “Don’t give me a reason to.”
To my readers, I'm sorry for what you are about to witness:
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