#trying to post these online because i've enjoyed painting them and i'm still feeling good about them

[partapotso]

Common Eider, for school.

[izicodes]

Hi Loa! You said you started off with HTML/CSS/JavaScript, and you post a lot about your website projects. So I wanted to ask if you have any advice for the process of designing a website and making various graphics. I enjoy coding a whole lot, but I've avoided front-end stuff until now because looking into design and tools for it made me feel a little overwhelmed. What would you do if you were to start learning anew web design for your coding job and hobby projects? Thank you a lot :)

Hiya! 💗

I'd be happy to share some advice on designing a website and creating graphics. It's great that you enjoy coding and want to explore front-end development and design, and don't worry, though I love frontend stuff a lot, I still find some things overwhelming e.g. I'm currently learning Django which I have put off from learning because it looked "hard" but now I love learning it. Just give yourself a little push and you'll enjoy it! 😉🙌🏾

Web Design Inspiration

Two key places I get inspiration for my website designs are Pinterest and Behance!

For instance, when I was, and still am, researching Old Web GUI designs, I made a Pinterest board of images relating to what I wanted to design and I used that as a reference when building the design in HTML and CSS. So, I would look at the picture and think "Okay in terms of HTML elements and CSS styling, how can I replicate this? 😉👍🏾". You can check out these boards: board 1 | board 2

Pinterest is the main inspiration place, and Behance is for more in-depth web design components. What I mean is if I need inspiration for a navbar design or a certain card design, I would use Behance.

Now I don't particularly do this, which is bad, but I do recommend making a wireframe for your web designs. I talked about wireframes in a previous post, but to sum it up; wireframes are good because they allow you to stick to your design plans and not go off on a tangent. These are especially good when working in a team at work, for example.

The reason why I don't particularly do them as often as I should is because I see things in my head vividly enough that I won't forget where everything should be - no super power but that's the main reason I don't make wireframes. As well, I change ideas halfway through so there's no real need for me to keep making wireframes if I will change the design 2 minutes later! 😭💔

But that's just me, but you should totally start designing wireframes. Practising drawing up some wireframes will definitely help with being creative in your designs. Take everything around you as an inspiration. The way I think of it is to think like an artist who is capable of painting anything - all you have to do is look around and paint. You can do the same with web development - everything is an inspiration. I saw a person make a whole webpage with amazing graphics... just about water. You can do the same.

If you need help on that part, definitely look into graphic design. I took extra classes in Graphics (which was just graphic design) when in school which involved looking at graphic artists and studying their work, then replicating something with our own twist. You can do the same with web design - study websites online, some you like or random ones. Look at a piece of the website and try and replicate it. That's why I like projects which are like "make a Google clone" or "make a Netflix clone" because it gives you the chance to study other people's codes and you can keep that knowledge for any future projects!

And lastly, study web design principles. There are some principles that good websites all put into their design that make the user's experience good. Read this article about it and this should even give hints to how you could design your next website! Learn about fundamental design principles such as colour theory, typography, layout, and composition. Understanding these principles will help you create aesthetically pleasing and user-friendly designs.

Web Design Tools I Use

Now, what do I use every time I start a new "project", what online tools do I use? I literally have these on my browser's bookmarks, ready to go!

Pinterest (inspiration) - LINK

Behance (inspiration) - LINK

Coolors (colour palette generator) - LINK

CSS Gradient Generator (because I'm lazy) - LINK

Google Fonts (main source for fonts) - LINK

Font Palace (fonts I want but not on Google Fonts) - LINK

Font Awesome (for the little icons) - LINK

Image Colour Picker (if I have an image and I want to pick the colour from it) - LINK

Optional tools:

Bootstrap 4/5 (sometimes I use this for personal projects, definitely use it at work) - LINK

Pattern.css (creates a patterned background for you, again I'm lazy) - LINK

Storyset on Freepik (people graphic images) - LINK

Pexels (stock background and even fake product images) - LINK

Unsplash (same as Pexel) - LINK

LottieFiles (set animations) - LINK

TinyPNG (makes image sizes smaller so less space) - LINK

CSSmatic (4 cool CSS generators) - LINK

That's all I have to say, if I didn't help with your question, message me to help you further but I do hope this helps you!! Good luck! 🥰🙌🏾💗

[ducklooney]

5, 21, 22, 23 for asking and yes, what do you like to draw in terms of have you been passionate about ducks for a long time?

Oh, hi. Hmm…good questions, although you asked a little too much. Also, the questions have been changed under the ordinal letters of the alphabet rather than numbers, but never mind. I'm going!

5. (E) My blog started four and a half years ago (next year it will be five years since I've been on Tumblr), mostly out of dissatisfaction, and to join a new collective that has similar interests as me. Interestingly, I joined when it was Donald's 85th birthday. XD Yeah, I already enjoyed the Ducktales reboot back then (even though it disappointed me in a lot of things at the time), I was still sad that no one mentioned the other Duck media, especially when we talk about the comics, Quack Pack, The Legend of The Three Caballeros and I wanted to take that job into my own hands. So I posted various posts about other Donald Duck media and let me tell you, I succeeded in that. Unfortunately, due to numerous obligations related to the university and at home, there were times and often when I was away for a long time. Still, I'm grateful to the Ducktales reboot for reawakening my feelings of nostalgia and re-reading the Donald Duck comics I used to read when I was a little boy.

21. (U) Actually I am, but more that I am a Christian believer and that I believe in God the Creator, as well as in Jesus who saved us from our sins, as well as in the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I study and read the Bible and go to church. But I'm not a fanatical believer, plus I don't force anyone to believe what I believe. Everyone has the right to their own religion. But I don't like it when my faith is abused through bad mockery and attacks on being a believer.

22. (V) I don't know if you mean the person I love or me personally, but I will answer both. I like in a person who is very pleasant and kind, who likes to draw and respect others and someone who is close to me. And I like to draw, read, write, and sometimes ride my bike outside, when the weather is nice.

23. (W) I don't like it when someone copies me without asking me, without me being mentioned, I don't like it when they insult and when they lie, I especially don't like it when someone insults me in dirty ways, as well as abuses my name as something worst. And I don't like sweet-talking people, I don't like it when someone blocks me, just because we have different views, and I don't like it when someone breaks their promises (either mine or someone else's). And I don't like it when someone insults my religion.

And this particular question, to answer you, I've been drawing since I was young, certainly when I went to school, but I didn't like to draw and I often had terrible drawings. I'm talking about when I drew in the traditional way. I think I have the hardest time painting with water colors. As for drawing itself, and coming back to it, I started four years ago, unfortunately I drew mostly very badly, but over time I learned some methods (and now I practice) and perfected it. If you look at my first drawings and my current drawings, you will see a big difference. I try my best though. Now I need to practice drawing and coloring backgrounds as well as portraits. And as for the ducks, well, I've been watching the classic shorts and reading the comics since I was a kid, but when I was in my teens, I stopped. Yes, I watched a lot of cartoons. In return, the Ducktales reboot is ironically credited, and I've come to love the comics more than before, even collecting those comics. Either online or I buy them. However, I prefer the classics the most, because it is still the best that will always remain. The Legend of The Three Caballeros and re-watching Quack Pack and other cartoons made me even more devoted to ducks.

I hope I satisfied you with your answers. And yes, I tell others to feel free to ask me, if you are interested in something. And yes, those are my opinions and sorry if anyone is offended by this, it's not my intention, just stating my views.

And yes, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[blueberry-lemon]

My deepest, most pessimistic fear about art...

...is that it doesn't matter anymore.

That's the anxiety that has been laying like a lump in the back of my throat for a few years now, and has been one of the mental blocks keeping me from wanting to draw.

In this post, I'm specifically talking about 2D art like illustration, photography, and painting, especially cases where it doesn't communicate any sort of immediately obvious narrative or message. In other words, a 2D piece of art that is primarily aesthetic or simply just nuanced or opaque.

I have been trying not to post how I feel about this because it is bleakly pessimistic and depression-ish. I definitely don't want any other artists to read this thought and let it demotivate them, like I'm proposing this as some sort of thesis. It's really just my own personal anxiety, and not a passing judgment on anyone who isn't feeling as down as me. It's not you, it's me. I want to be still drawing like you are.

What do I mean by "doesn't matter anymore"? CW: doomposting, pessimism, venting, ranting

I guess what I mean is that it feels like this type of art (non-narrative, no clear message) feels like it doesn't hold value in people's life anymore. And honestly, I'll include myself in that critique too, because I'm not any better.

The thing that I mostly point the blame at, like a cranky old man, is the way that Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram work.

I don't think that infinite scroll timelines or one-tap Likes have had any kind of positive impact on art. I've been posting my art online for like 15 years.

Spend enough years on the internet and you'll have been showered, practically drowned, in amazing art. Incredible illustrations and paintings made by really talented and hardworking people. In a matter of minutes you can scroll past dozens of stellar pieces, posted by people in real time. They could be works that in any other time or circumstance, you would marvel at and study. Maybe make it your desktop wallpaper. Maybe order to put up on your wall.

But, obviously, the most likely thing you or I will do is enjoy it for 2 seconds and scroll past. At most, maybe give it a Like and a Share.

Again, to be clear, I don't think this is true for all forms of art and expression. Comics, animations, games, memes, even art with a really pointed caption still feels like it can get a emotional and specific response out of people. It communicates and clicks with people, often regardless of technical quality (and that's a good thing!) The shittiest scribbled reaction image or meme comic will speak profoundly to people, and I love that.

But simply a piece of art that looks good and is well made?

It feels like it's losing the power to click with people or demand their attention.

I feel like I've disrespected hundreds of artists by scrolling past or Liking their posts and not engaging with their work in any meaningful way.

My timelines are simply way too saturated with amazing art. It all blurs together until "amazing art" doesn't mean anything at all anymore. It doesn't spark any sort of emotion or curiosity in me. It's simply nice window-dressing in my digital life. It's basically the same thing as a banner ad, except it creates 2 seconds of subconcious joy instead of 2 seconds of subconscious annoyance. Towards something that a person put their heart and soul into.

To try to combat this numbing experience, I've started unfollowing artists to try to keep my timeline trim and keep myself sane. Not artists who I love and click with on a deeper level, to be clear, but artists who I follow because they "drew some nice Marios" or they "drew a cute frog" or they draw "incredible lush anime illustrations" and I wanted more of them on my timeline over the years. Now I scroll past their work and feel nothing at all, it feels like visual noise and distraction, and I feel guilty for even thinking that way.

It feels like we are a far cry from galleries, art magazines, or honestly even just the old way that DeviantArt and Livejournal and Oekaki Boards functioned as ways to gather and find art. Circumstances in which you might treasure a particular piece for aesthetic and nebulous vibe reasons, and really study it and interact with it and let it grow in your heart. Online, maybe you'd be much more likely to leave a comment. Now, I think visual "content" has just lost value by how much of it we see every day. Specifically because of smartphones.

Yes, maybe I'm just getting older and losing my childlike joy for sharing art with others. Maybe I'm just disillusioned with social media. Maybe my interests are just changing.

But it makes me feel like all this incredible work, which takes hours to create from years of dedication, doesn't matter and isn't forging any sort of link between artist and viewer.

I want to draw more and improve at the craft but when I do, it's just some dumb frog or cute girl or Mario or anime character and I feel like what's the point of even posting this? I scroll past it like it's spam on my own timeline, why the hell wouldnt anyone else do the same to me? And god forbid if I post something and it doesn't get a lot of Likes, I get that childish embarassment that you've probably felt if you have let your brain get hooked on metrics.

That sensation stops me from drawing, or studying form and color and anatomy, or improving. It makes me want to pivot to something else, like gag comics or writing prose or making games, where the viewer is FORCED to spend more than 5 seconds on it simply by nature of consuming it.

I see artists who I love and support with all of my heart make amazing stuff and it just gets drowned on the timeline and nobody on the internet ever seems to see it. Because they're already looking at too much art from the people they already follow. I try to mitigate this feeling by trying to support the artists I love as much as I can. Through comments or through money.

But I still feel hopeless sometimes.

And now...people are using fucking machines to type in text prompts and get the Beautiful, Amazing, Aesthetic art that is meant to be Looked At without even having to make it themselves. It just gets spit out and they post it. And they wait for Likes, just like artists do. And if they can make pin-ups, landscapes, portraits, and characters...why the fuck should I even pick my pen up and keep doing it?

I know this is grumpy and depressed and it's sour grapes. There will never be "too much art" and the solution isn't "post less drawings." The solution is not "give up." I know it's just a me problem.

But when I see the internet drowning in years of pleasant or cute or aesthetically pleasing art pieces that we all just scroll past with barely a thought, it makes me wonder what the hell I'm even bothering with.

[nightswithkookmin]

I'm not aware of any boundaries Jimin has that JK doesn't respect- ok that one time he picked him up and spun him around till he bit his neck?🤔

May be the breathing down his neck when he's trying to bond with other members- this one is actually deserving of my red flag. hold

Here you go. Happy now?

'Jimin is not filling a void with Jungkook'

Well then he must be filling the void with something or someone and I refuse to believe it's not Jungkook or V to a lesser extent or even BTS. Cos clearly he's not filling it with people outside this group.

We all have voids inside us. We all lonely my guy and that includes ALL BTS MEMBERS. They are human too.

Suga: Anxiety and loneliness seem to be with me for life.

Hell Jimin hasn't kept it a secret that he dealt with loneliness. He's simply sharing with us how he's coped.

Don't know what you mean by he's not filling a void... does that phrase make you uncomfortable to hear?

Loneliness is a void. An emotional void. We all have it in one way or another. Some drink to fill the void, some have sex -all the time- to fill the void, some do coke, meth, some throw themselves into their work, some become chronic daters, chronic exercisers,

Some come online and chat with strangers 24/7 some throw themselves into online games, or shopping OR FOOD- damn some do it all at once.

There are various ways we all deal with loneliness or emotional void.

When he says he didn't want to be ALONE because he's scared of his own thoughts- he's addressing the very topic he's so often addressed in himself: LONELINESS.

Years ago, he didn't want to sleep in separate rooms, didn't want to leave Hobi as a roommate because he didn't want to feel lonely. His own words not mine.

"Jimin though, he enjoys spending time together. Jimin once said, he thinks he’s fortunate being roommates with me. That he’d have been lonely at the dorm. After hearing that, I thought I should be there for him. But when staying at hotels, it’s kind of nice, gives that sense of freedom. But it can still get lonely at some point. Since you’re alone."

— J-Hope

Make of this what you will PJMer in denial.

Good thing is now, he says he's not like that anymore and actually prefers to be by himself. AND IS OK sitting with his thoughts.

I'm sure he made his therapist happy with that one. It's a breakthrough and we give God the glory.

Also...🤔 yes he can be hard on himself but this time I don't think he's being hard on himself? He's being honest with himself. I think he knows himself better than we do. Sometimes just because we see him do things don't mean he enjoys doing it or that he gets from them the things we think he gets from them.

That's what Kook said about developing his interests isn't it. Just because he's good at something don't mean he's interested in developing it.

Jimin used to be dispassionate about working out. Now he says he loves it. I think when he talks about his Hobbies he implies the things he loves or loved to do.

You can excel at something, be good at it, work every day at it, keep busy with it yet absolutely hate it. Case in point, my job🤣

I don't consider blogging as a hobby. I'm actually surprised I've kept this long at it because I fall out of love with things easily. Sometimes I think it's actually the subject matter I enjoy discussing more so than being a blogger.

I started a YT to make videos and not even getting monetized motivates me to make videos and post there. I've been thinking of deleting that channel even lol.

There's a guitar somewhere in my house I bought years ago and never learned to play because I fell out of love with playing it right before it arrived on my door step.

I tried learning to paint- guess how that went.

I was actually in the choir. They swore i sing good but there's nothing I hate more than singing. I only do it because I want to go to heaven when I die chilee.

I actually play the flute. I love playing the flute but I'm not good at it. At all. And when I'm alone, it's watching stuff, writing, and drinking.

My friends tell me, 'you need to find interests beyond BTS and shipping.' But I'm sure if i told them i have no hobbies apart from bts and shipping they'd say it's not true- you write, you play instruments, you make videos, blah blah blah

I have a lot of hobbies and interests but only a few of those are things I actually love to do consistently and sometimes I do things because I'm not good at doing nothing.

Anyways, he best knows what he is talking about when he says these things and a lot of the time I believe him.

I purple you💜💜����💜💜💜💜

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.

[super-kristuff]

Ok, so this looked nice enough that I wanted to make a nice looking, professional, low text post, but obviously, here are all my rants about everything.

So, I'm still continuing to learn how to digitally paint. In my now deleted ramble for the last post, I talked about how I was kind of unhappy with how my Decanter of Endless Water art turned out, so I decided to follow some online tutorials to improve my art.

I'm taking it lowkey seriously by taking notes and giving myself assignments. I really wanted to paint something today because obviously drawing consistently and building up mileage is better than anything I can do or practice. And like, you would not believe how many things I had to do today. Like, obviously the time change happened, so getting to work on time was a struggle. I stayed an extra hour because I'm super behind on grading, and staying longer is basically the only thing I can do to catch up. Then I went to get groceries because I didn't get groceries over the weekend, and also, cooked a big multiple course dinner to give me leftovers throughout the week. I took a shower so that I could do my laundry, and finally, I was able to start drawing around 8:30. Like, I've basically been awake and working for 13ish hours before I could even start this painting.

Anyway, it's a bit rough, but I hope you can forgive me because I could only really spend an hour on it before getting ready for bed. Naturally, I watched this video, the continuation of the last video that I watched, and I tried applying a bunch of the techniques it mentioned. Honestly, I'm not sure I followed everything, but I'm trying to do more colors and limit how much I use soft brushes. Like, the video was super adamant about no soft brushes. I only used soft brushes for the background and the facial shadows, which were examples in the video of when soft brushes were good to use.

Obviously, I'll need to do a bunch of paintings and get my own feel for what is right and wrong to do, but this was a nice exercise in following some instructions and trying to implement them as written. And like, I still have a lot of work to do on this painting. I'm kind of knocking all my paintings out in one sitting, so I'm not sure if I will actually come back to this to do all the "rendering" work but it might be nice to try out.

Anyway, really happy with this. Honestly, I don't feel like I can do any kind of 'I really like this' or 'I would try to improve this' because it still feels like a rough draft to me. I honestly might work on it again tomorrow, so any critiques I have are just spots I might touch up. Actually, scratch that, I do love the soft blending. I think the shadows on the face really highlight the difference between hard and soft brushes. And like, how they are both necessary.

Anyway, it is super late. I should have gone to bed a while ago.

Enjoy.

Daily Doodle - Everything