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filipinoizukuu · 3 years

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Pls share about the Gospel of Judas 👀

, im SO glad someone asked because this topic is nigh always pingponging around in my head and the fact i get to ramble about it means the WORLD to me. TW ahead for canon-typical violence, gore, and other such discussions of all that fun heretical stuff!

Now, to preface this, I just wanted to say that I’m not a licensed professional in anything related to theology nor religion nor historical artifacts. I am. as we all are deep down inside, a simple teenager with ridiculous hyper-fixations and a vast ocean of random information that will not be of any importance to my career or home life whatsoever. Easily, many of the things I talk about could either be wrong or debunked, but I will try my best to explain the Book of Judas as I understood it.

Among the many books that make up what we know as the Bible today, there were various seemingly ‘missing perspectives’ and inconsistencies that existed between gospels. One of the reasons for this was the fact that the Bible in and of itself was a compiled work that was originally recorded years after the oral tradition had passed. What is or isn’t ‘canon’ often depended on the rulings of past Popes who worked with historians to determine the authenticity of ancient artifacts that either proved or contested the canonical teachings of the Bible--one of the more popular debunked samples being The Shroud of Turin, which while being ruled as a fake by Pope Clement the VII a long time ago, still has its authenticity being debated until today.

It’s important to remember that the canon status of ancient artifacts. while somewhat reliant on Papal confirmation, can sometimes be contested and interpreted to each individual’s discretion.

And among all of these artifacts, there is my favorite one of all--The Book of Judas. Now, factually speaking, the Gospel of Judas was written in (somewhere between 2 to) 5 A.D., not actually that farfetched considering that only in 1 A.D. was the first version of the Bible we know today written. It was found somewhere in Ancient Egypt but was declared as fiction at some point in 180 A.D. by St. Iranaeus of Lyon. To understand the impact that The Book of Judas would have on the Bible (which, to put it simply, was revolutionary), you’d first have to have a quick review and understanding of who Judas Iscariot was in the gospels that we know today.

Judas was a disciple.

He was one of the 12 disciples that were closest to Jesus and a disciple that most accounts of the story would say actually truly deeply loved him at some point. Judas was, as all memes about Christianity are fond of reminding, also the traitor that eventually chose money and greed over his love for God’s son and turned him in with a kiss in a garden that led to Jesus Christ’s death at the cross.

That is until you read the translations of the Book of Judas.

In the original books--whether it was because he was possessed by the Devil or simply a man who had fallen into greed--Judas was portrayed to be a sinner and a horrible traitor. After his betrayal and Jesus’ eventual death, Judas had then become guilt-ridden and anguished, choosing to end his own life in the Gospel of Matthew and even tarnishing a field with his blood and sins according to St. Luke in Acts.

The Book of Judas, however, CHALLENGES these motives. Instead, it takes what brought all past Christian texts together by changing the portrayal of Judas on its head and putting the previous ‘traitor’ under the light of something else entirely.

According to the Book of Judas, Jesus had asked Judas to betray him.

The 26-page manuscript was a brief retelling of the dynamics we were lead to believe in the story told by the main four books. In the Book of Judas, we were told that the original other 12 disciples were actually quite... foolish. They were described to be sort of arrogant and clueless, constantly misinterpreting and forgetting Jesus’ words because while he was teaching them to be better and to spread the words of God, the disciples were still, at their core, human sinners. The manuscript was believed to have reported that of the disciples that were closest, or at least best tolerated by Jesus--Judas was by far the most understanding of His words.

Judas, in accordance with his book, was the only one who could understand the significance and cryptic lessons behind Jesus’ teachings. Because of this, Jesus knew he was the only capable one to serve him in what was to come.

You see, part of the prophecy was that Jesus had to die. He had to suffer and fall for humanity’s sake so that we would be able to be forgiven. As much as it sucks to even think about it, Jesus had come to expect that someone would need to cause his death and hurt him all so that he could fulfill his purpose.

In the end, he thought that death by the hand of an enemy was far worse than a death at the hands of a friend.

During the Last Supper, Jesus approached Judas and placed him into a vision. He placed Judas in a fantastical, wonderful dream where Judas sat facing the house of heaven and saw Jesus. Jesus, who looked at his beloved friend and said: “you will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.” Judas will exceed all of them. And he will sacrifice the man that clothed Jesus.

In this interpretation, Judas was essentially told that he was the one who would finally free Jesus from his physical form. Judas, the supposed traitor disciple, would be the one to fulfill Jesus’ prophecy and thus sacrificed his beloved friend to bring about forgiveness for humanity.

And he understands.

In this manuscript, Judas Iscariot understands the will of God and what he has to do. He understands the weight of his betrayal and what he has to do in order to obey Jesus--so then it isn’t money or fear or anger or evil that motivates him to surrender Jesus to the soldiers but utter obedience and adoration for the Son of God. Judas gives his ‘yes’, knowing that for years and years he will be slandered and labeled as a traitor but at his core, Judas knows that it was not a betrayal to begin with.

So he led the soldiers to Jesus in the garden. He kissed him and let him be taken away and let him die.

This was the official translation approved by BBC and National Geographic according to the original translations done by Stephen Emmel, a Coptic studies professional.

Later on, this interpretation would be challenged by Dr. April DeConick, who claims that the mistreatment and mistranslation of the paper actually told the complete opposite, in the way that the revelation in the Last Supper was not created by Jesus but, in fact, by Judas, who had revealed himself to be the 13th demon of hell. This interpretation, while less popular, served as a direct challenge to the recharacterization BBC and NatGeo had approved of. I don’t really know too much about this debate, but I do know that this second interpretation does exist.

Of course, the original Judas text itself is currently impossible to truly translate to be sure. It was torn and shuffled, put into a freezer, and possibly even missing a few pages (which you can blame Bruce Ferinni for), ultimately making the authentic manuscript really difficult to properly restore.

The takeaway from this whole Book though--whether you accept it as canon or not--is that there were many interpretations and beliefs early Christians and Gnostics had that the time that criticized the way the four main gospels had passed down God’s teachings. People believed what they thought supported their own beliefs and at the end of the day. it's all still just a matter of who we choose to credit.

The real author to the Book of Judas remains anonymous to this day, but I am very glad to have been able to share this with you all :)

not proofread since i did this at like 4 am | x x x

#tw long post #long post tw #gospel of judas #christianity

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tumblunni · 6 years

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AGH IM SO OVERWHELMED WITH LOVE FOR MY GYARADOS

His name is Allegro and he's a shiny i got on pokemon go abd i just got SO ATTATCHED to him cos of the way evolution works in the app. I feel like this is the first time i ever actually experienced the intended experience of magikarp, yknow? Like its supposed to be weak and take a lot of effort to evolve. But in later games simply levelling it up has become much easier and honestly it wasnt even very hard in the original. Just boring,cos you had to keep it in slot one and keep switching it out. Like its exactly the same as just training other pokemon but with a boring thing added. It feels like this poor magikarp doesnt have a part in its own evolution! But in pokemon go you have to catch 400 magikarps to evolve it and its a way more difficult challenge that takes potentially months of real time and encourages you to go out and explore more places to find them. And you can put the magikarp as your buddy pokemon and have it follow behind you to earn bonus evolution candies, so its really like youre earning it together!!!

So thats why im SO PROUD of allegro and i love him so much!! Also i was doing all this running around for magikarps back when i was in a very low mental health state and working on making progress. So i seehim as a personification of my recovery and a big kind happy friend who helped me through it! Going on more frequent walks each week did help a lot, and having this game as a goal was a great way to distract myself from feeling all anxious and awful and staying inside instead of following the doctors orders. And now im more able to go outside on long journeys without the game's help so i think maybe its time to transfer Allegro to the console games? Cos i can see him in full 3D and ride on his back through the ocean!!! Its a shame the latest game doesnt let you cuddle all of your pokemon though, only pikachu. But i can have him follow me everywhere on happy ocean trips and chat to him and just have a grand old time! And find out what his stats would even be in a regular game, lol. I mean even if i get unlucky in the transfer and he turns out to be the weakest gyarados ever i dont give a fuck cos I LOVE HIM! Oh oh oh and he could follow me around in real life again in a different better way! I got the pokeball plus controller so i can upload him into that and do the pedometer minigame exvept this time this one gives him levels instead of evolution. He's gonna be so damn powerful from my love!!!!

Oh oh oh and i think his personality is cute! I know gyarados's personality is supposed to be 'angry all the time' but i just picture allegro as a super calm and peaceful one. He's maybe not too outwardly affectionate but he loves you a lot, yknow? Like a kind of quiet and solitary cat whose way of showing love is just to hang out in the same room together and roll over on its belly to show its not scared of you. I think theres probably a communication difference like that with gyaradoses, theyre a mon whose way of being happy isnt as similar to humans as stuff like dogs or pikachus.so they get a bad rep of being evil and scary and always grumpy when theyre just trying to show you how they feel and theyre sad you dont understand. Like, maybe they boop each other with headbutts as affection and dont realise humans are so much weaker than them so it takes a while to learn how to boop their new friend softly. But when they just hear RARR RARR I AM PUNISHING YOU FOR BEING NICE theyre like ??? and learn to be scared of showing their affection. And then you call them emotionless for it!! And maybe theyre also like a mix of dogs and lizards? Like they lay around a lot being "lazy and bored" when really its just that they need to regulate body temperature when outside of the water by sleeping more hours a day than a human does. And they get yelled at for wrecking stuff arpund the house cos theyre trying to curl up in a shady spot and their bigness means they knock over the sofa. And they move around a lot during their naps cos they need to find cold/damp spot to go to sleep and then lay down half awake for a little while in a sunbeam to get energized to start the day. So of course theyre gonna be a bit fidgety if they dont have their own room with a specialized bed, and of cpurse theyre gonna sleep even longer if they get so exhausted finding a sleeping spot! And then i think theyre very hyper and playful when theyre awake and thats the real cause of their reputation as angry evilness. They just wanna play and they dont understand a lot of the human world and its all so small and fragile. Theyre not doing it on purpose!! Oh and i think maybe similar to scorpions theyre not actually dangerous because theyre aggressive but because theyre scared? Most venomous animals only sting you when they think theyre in danger of dying,cos they only have a limited amount of venom and wouldnt wanna waste it unless its necessary. But scorpions are easily scared of humans so they think we're murderous fiends if we just stand near them, lol! Its understandable cos i mean all they can see is a massive foot and some towering infinate shadow and feel all the quakes it makes in the sand as it approaches. People are spooky! So i think maybe gyarados are very curious critters and tend to get spooked by the stuff they stumble into, like that vid of emus poking the ball toy and running away screaming when it moves. And also gyaradoses can only investigate stuff by forehead bumps, taste and sniffing by wiggling their lil mustache antennae. All things that tend to look like OMG SCARY THING IS ATTACKING ME from a human perspective. Also theyre very big and evolve from something very small so they dont know their own strength! And everything looks so new and fun!

GYARADOS DEFENDER FOREVER they are just big fishie babies and i lovv they

Anyway anyway for Allegro i was thinking of a headcanon of my pokemon trainer sona going through the same stuff i did IRL? Like, an anxious adult who used to be a trainer as a kid but went through a lot of abusive parent stuff and lost their confidence and also lost all their belongings in the process of running away. So that led to trainer-me being all depressed and living in a small crowded town having a boring life and feeling like id never be good enough to start my trainer career all over again. But i find a sparkly fishie of cuteness in the pond and i keep him as more of a pet than a battler but through the power of his love i start taking him out on walkies and training myself to be worthy of being the trainer he needs, yknow? Like 'i hate myself but i cant stand anyone else hating themself'. Cos magikarp is the weak pokemon and maybe he heard humans all talking about that and he felt he'd never get a human friend because of it. Also maybe magikarps are like koi fish and they dont get their full colours until teenagerish age, so shiny ones are just regular orange for the first few years and he didnt even know he was special. And his specialness shined through as we were training together but i loved him even before i knew he was special, just cos he was such a kind lil guy!! And then he earned his big fancy sparkly evolution and now we fly majestically thru the skies on the power of self confidence~! Also similarly to how i got my baby photos back from finding my sister after all these years, trainer-me eventually got reunited with their childhood pokemon and now has eighty bazillion powerfulnesses again. And they all met allegro and they love thier lil bro and now we're going on a revisiting kanto adventure together and everything is great.

And i just think allegro is very kind and soft and peaceful and curls around everyone in a big hug when he goes to sleep and I LOVE HIM and he flies majestically and he really loves it after dreaming of it for so long. I named him a music word cos i was thinking of 'what would you call Splash if it was actually a powerful move?' Splash = jumping = ballet? So he is a graceful squiggly weird wind kite snake worm dragon koifish and i love him and i cherish him and HE IS THE REASON HE IS SPECIAL NOT THAT HE'S LITERALLY A RARE POKEMON. cos the rare coloured gyarados is a gyarados thats the same colour as a.magikarp! Its such a good symbol for the same thing you were self concious about being what everyone appreciates about you, yknow? I love him and he is peaceful and happy and shy and i bet if you hugged him it would be so weird cos its not like you often get to hug a fish that isnt wet. And i mean he's like a half fish half dragon? So it must be like a.lizard but with very prominant scale texture and a leathery whale blubber body or something. And big pointy elephant tusk teeth and the forehead horn thingie! I wanna cuddle him so much aaaaa

SO IN SUMMARY I LIKE MY BIG GRUMPLEFEESH

#bunni plays pokemon go #bunni plays lets go #sweetie pie.. boople doop... big fremd...

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 6 years

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i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything. I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage.

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo. Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though.

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of. Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all.

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though. For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued.

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it. Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted. Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me. Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out. Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner. At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him.

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice.

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after. The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult. I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much.

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well!

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks.

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.”

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond.

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends. Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now. My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it. I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes. It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things.

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there.

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret.

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too.

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret. Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it.

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could. Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things. It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends. Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am. One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me. I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have.

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when.

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do. Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.

#extremely personal #longest fucking post I've ever written #long post #like FUCKING long post #I hope the read more worked for you

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glass-ladybug · 8 years

Text

this is fan this spark into a flame, but im going on this acc so it doesnt show up on my main

Mae stepped out onto the creaky porch, throwing her arms into the air. "Well, that was fun!" Bea, crouched on the step, ever-present cigarette hanging from her mouth, gave a non-committal hum. They'd just made a daring escape from the basement of an odd old woman, aided by Bea's expertise in fixing machines, and Mae's experience in smashing the crap out of them. Even though Bea had apparently had to re-fix the furnace before they left, it was still Mae's powers of destruction that saved the day, /thank you very much/! Geez, and Bea said she was along for the ride. Mae half-tripped down the steps to plop beside Bea. "She gave us lemonade!" She beamed, raising a near empty plastic cup of over-sugary lemonade. Not that Mae cared, lemonade was lemonade. Unless it was that sugar-substitute stuff. /That/ was unacceptable. "Yeah." "You.... Not like lemonade?" Mae needled. Bea snorted, brushing a frizzy strand of hair behind her ear. "It's faaaaantastic." She drawled. Mae shot her a concerned look. Bea should be happy! They fixed a furnace, broke a furnace, then fixed it again! And now they had /lemonade/! "So what's up?" Bea turned away, angling her face to the moon. "Nothing. Just... Tired." She sighed, "Worked all day." "Hey!" Mae exclaimed indignantly. "I worked too!" "You tied a gnome to a plastic fan and spun it around. I don't typically consider that /work/." "Ex-cuuuse me, it was an elegant long-term solution and it would've worked!" Mae laughed, watching Bea's expression for any reaction. Bea's mouth turned up at the corner, a half-smile settling on her face. "Whatever you need to tell yourself at night." Mae scooted into a more comfortable position, setting down her now empty glass, and hugging her knees to her chest. From this point of view, everything seemed ethereal. She and Bea sat in silence on Mrs. Miranda's front porch, the moon illuminating her front yard, the only sound a few crickets chirping in the tall grass. She was almost afraid to talk, worried that it might break the peaceful spell hovering over them. Mae found herself studying Bea. Her dark skin, sharp eyeliner, and frizzy curls hastily pulled back into three knobs. The lilt of her mouth when she was happy, her piercing brown eyes, black lipstick, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and her now oil stained and calloused hands. /Oh my God./ Mae thought. Out of all her friends, Bea was the most mysterious. After seventh or eight grade- Mae couldn't really remember which anymore- they'd stopped hanging out anymore. It was gradual. No fight, nor argument. Every day, she just saw Bea less and less, until they were more like strangers than best friends. They stopped talking altogether when Bea's mom died. But now, Mae was back! And she finally had the chance to make things better. Maybe it'd be okay, coming home so suddenly like this, because they were here together. If they were stuck in Possum Springs, they were stuck with each other. And now, one of those perfect eyebrows was arched questioningly, and Mae could only think of how glad she was to be spending tonight smashing up old furnaces with this girl, and- "Do I have something on my face?" Bea monotoned, abruptly snatching Mae out of her daydreaming. "Huh? I-uh, uhhhh, wha?" Mae stammered. "My face. You were staring, so I could only assume you'd finally lost it, or something dripped on me. I guess it was the former." Mae's skin tingled with embarrassment, her veins still coursing with adrenaline and excitement from the furnace escapade. She stood up abruptly, the porch step creaking under her sudden shift. "I'm all hyper." She said, tapping her fingers erratically on her arm. "Good for you." Mae huffed, throwing her head back. "Ugh, you are /zero/ fun." Bea nodded certainly. "Yup." Mae waved her hands in front of her excitedly, "You need some, some magical shit, to like give you a new perspective." "Ah. Let me know when that happens. Wouldn't want to miss it." Bea took another puff of her cigarette, staring off at something in the distance. Mae looked at her. How could someone sit still and just /think/ for that long? Not Mae. She couldn't remain in the same place for more than 5 minutes at a time. Unless it was thinking about Bea. Mae thought she could probably stretch that out for a while longer. Mrs. Miranda really was weird. It didn't look like she ever cut the grass, and her lawn was covered in all sorts of weird shit, from garden gnomes to the giant-ass windmill near the driveway. Whatever- it was still a pretty cool house anyway. The whole yard was tinged with blue, and the cold moonlight made everything look silvery, like something from a dream. Mae decided she liked it. Mae stepped off the porch. "I'll be back in a minute, I'm gonna go climb the windmill!" Bea sighed. "Please try not to break that too." "No promises," Mae grinned, and then trotted down the yard. The long, dry grass brushed up against her jeans, and found its way to her ankles, tickling her. It was kinda uncomfortable, but she bet it looked awesome. The lone hero, standing majestically in her faded orange t-shirt and waving grass, facing the beast that was a great iron windmill that looked rusted to to one position. Out of the corner of her eye, Mae saw a teensy lightening bug glow softly, then flit to her shoulder. "Ohhhh, hey little guy! You coming with me? Yeah, don't worry, I'll take good care of you." When a second flocked to her she felt special. When a third landed on her forehead, she felt as if her heart was about to explode into tiny shiny pieces. With a solid jump, she landed on the first blade of the windmill, feeling accomplished when it did nothing more than emit a rusty groan beneath her. She hopped from one to another, then to the upper most blade, not noticing that a small gathering of fireflies were now trailing behind her until they all lit up. "Wow..." Mae breathed, surveying the street from her vantage point, watching as a few lone cars lit up the street as they drove on to more busier sections of town. She reluctantly hopped down, metal creaking beneath her as more and more fireflies began to join her crusade. She walked steadily through the gently blowing grass and navigating the various lawn ornaments, re-arrived at the porch steps with a throng of fireflies. Mae couldn't help but grin, putting on her best, "this was perfectly intentional" face. Bea's jaw dropped, her cigarette nearly dropping from her mouth. "Wow." And then, to Mae's delight, she began laughing. Bea shook her head a few times in disbelief, before dissolving into chuckles. It was beautiful. Her eyes lit up brighter than her entire firefly mob, and she just looked so /happy/ that it made Mae happy too. Bea lifted her head again, looking at Mae. "Haha.. Hah. Are you some kind of firefly whisperer or something?" Mae shrugged. "They just like me, I guess." Bea looked at her with something akin to wonder. "That's..." She shook her head. "You're an interesting person, Mae Borowski." Mae nodded sagely, a few fireflies drifted towards the porch light. "Granddad said being interesting is all you can ever hope to be." Mystified, Bea hummed in agreement. "Well, mission accomplished." "Woohoo!" Bea's mouth seemed to be upturned in a permanent smile now, and Mae's heart was speeding into overdrive. Bea smirked. "Y'know. I have to say, this would've been a much less exciting evening if you weren't along for the ride." "See?" Mae offered helpfully. "I'm good to have around." "I mean, you can certainly beat the shit out of a furnace." "I can beat the shit out of /anything/." Now, it was Bea's turn to study her. She took a long drag of her dying cigarette, and murmured, "You should, like, channel that aggression you always have into something useful." Mae shrugged again, but this time her shoulders felt like someone had dropped a rather large weight on them. "Eh, Dr. Hank said way back I needed to repress it." Bea's smile quickly vanished. "'Repress'? Not, like, 'learn to deal with it'?" "Nope. He specifically said, 'repress'." "Uh, okay. Hm." Bea seemed troubled by this, and sensing a shift in tone, Mae sped onto another topic. "My firefly powers aren't for me only, y'know." Bea raised an eyebrow, and the ghost of a smile reappeared on her face. "Oh?" More emboldened now, Mae kept talking. "Yeah, they can be, y'know, transferred." "Is that so?" Bea snorted. "I'm telling the truth! Close your eyes." "That sentence makes me far more inclined to get up and run now." Mae shook her head emphatically. "No, no! Close 'em." Bea huffed, but obediently closed her eyes. "And no peeking!" "Uh-huh. Got it." And with that, Mae leaned forward and planted a kiss directly on Bea's mouth. She pulled back quickly, and rubbed the charcoal colored lipstick off with the back of her hand, her heart beating frantically, and her nerves coursing with excitement. Bea stared at her with wide eyes, a silhouette in the porch light. "See? Now you have them too. We can be masters of the fireflies together." Finding her voice again, Bea shakily muttered, "You are really something else, Mae." Mae clapped her hands loudly. "So, do you think Mrs. Miranda, like, pulled her husbands guts out? Isn't that what you do with mummies?" "I dunno, Mae." Fueled by elation, Mae pushed forward. "Do you think you'd have the stomach for it?" Bea snorted. "Nope." "It probably took a lot of heart." She was laughing quietly. "Yup." "I wish she would /ex-pleen/ it to us." Mae giggled. "I get it, Mae." Every word was punctuated by giggles now. "She really /rectum/." Bea burst into a fit of laughter. "Okay, now that probably stayed in place." "Yeah," Mae agreed, "that should stay where it be-lungs." Bea stood up, and began walking into the calm blue night. "I'm leaving." "Hey!" Mae crowed out, smile stretched wide, "You gotta liver your life!" "Bye." Bea yelled back, words interrupted by involuntary spouts of laughter, "This is me, gone." "Hey, wait up!" Mae sprinted behind her. "You're walking back to town." "You've got a lot of... haha... Gall to say that!" Bea looked back, and Mae almost stopped dead at how beautiful she was. Her eyes crinkled up at the corners, her hair was wild and rumpled, her dark skin almost glowed silver. She laughed, wiping the corner of her eye. "I'm gonna call the cops." And as Mae sped after her, a lone firefly trailing behind, she thought about how for the first time since she left for college, she was happy where she was. And maybe- just maybe- this was where she belonged.

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