#truly this post belongs more on my other blog but I don’t allow reblogs there and I’m not logged in soooo. here.

[lilythecattt]

“Did I remember to turn off the oven? Hope so!”

-Sprout 🍓

“Ahem- Is this thing on?… Looks like it is.

How do you introduce yourself again-

I’m Sprout the strawberry! pretty sure that was obvious… This is my Askblog, where you.. ask.. the blog. And the Toons on it

You can Ask anytoon, and even the Handlers—just be respectful of boundaries. The Toons running this Blog are Yours Truly, Cosmo, Dandy, and Glisten.

(Not Connie anymore because she took some things too far… But she is still Askable.)

Let’s get some Rules straight…:

-You can Ask whatever (just don’t get too nosey…)

-Don’t get into any NSFW, or Violent topics on this Blog. Not in asks, not in comments, not in reblogs. [*/Ooc: Cartoon Violence? Sure. But no realistic Gore.]

-Don’t bring Political things into this either [*/Ooc: This is supposed to be a goofy roleplay account, with a side of AU Lore…]

-Be nice to Cosmo.

-Bully Glisten for all I care, he hacked into my Account anyway

-Don’t stir up drama. [*/Ooc: Basic Etiquette…]

-Don’t harass anybody (except for Glisten with asks about his glass :) )

-[*/Ooc: Remember Toons will not answer Asks if they break these Rules, or are a Magic Ask they wouldn’t want to happen.]

-[*/Ooc: More Rule details below the RP Intro! Alongside Magic Anon Rules!]

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Hello! Welcome to yet another Dandy’s World AU Roleplay Account!

*Dandy’s World, and Character’s from it, belong to BlushCrunch.

*Any OC’s, and AU Storylines, are the only things I own really…

⭐️Brief Story on this “Shelly’s World” AU!

(Aka the “Reformed!Dandy’s World AU”… Unless I think of a better name.)

This is a Universe after the events of the Ichor turning all of the Toons Twisted. Everyone has long since been recovered, and with new CEO’s and staff being hired—A New Show was started; Shelly’s World!

With the other Mains (discluding Dandy, he was not present for a while…) feeling unable to take the New Role as the Star of the Show, Shelly was chosen because of her Honest, Brave, Kind and Caring Nature!

Quick Note:

-Toons access the Blog through their Phones or Computers, so you don’t send Asks to their brains or anything…

-Asks do not take effect until a Toon or Handler answers one.

Current Status:

(Last updated: March // Might take a bit to answer throughout the next couple months)

-Asks are open!

-^May take a while to answer sometimes… I will be on-and-off throughout March on this account due to stuff. I will still sometimes post stuff on my other account, @lilythecaattt, though…

Extra Notes:

-Every Toon is Askable, so are OC’s and Toon Handlers!…

-If you want to know more about OC’s or OC Handlers you can always ask Ooc or Mod about it! (Just note clearly that you are Asking the actual blog Owner!)

More stuff below! I edit on occasion…

v RULES & Extra Shelly’s World Stuff! v

(Feel free to skimp through some text, it’s a lot I know… xd)

Characters open for Asks:

(In Lore, these Characters have direct access to Sprout’s Ask Blog—so they are the Mod Toons of the blog!)

-Sprout (Of course.. Unless he’s absent for whatever reason.)

-Cosmo

-Sam (Sprout’s Handler - Tries to Moderate the Blog, doesn’t always go very well)

-Dandy…

-Glisten (Wasn’t invited but whatever :D)

-Connie (Somehow has been allowed back as a Mod…)

-! Note: You can ask other Toons outside the ones Listed! (Even Christmas Toons, outside of Christmas.. well, most of them.)

-! Note Make it clear which Toons you’re asking—if you have one in Specific you want to Ask!

! Note: You can ask me about the AU also… If you doubt the Toons will (or can) answer. :)

Ask away! Just follow the Ask Rules please! :D

-Sprout’s Pronouns: He/Him (*For simplicity…)

-Owner of Acc: She/Her

-You can talk about other Fiction/Fandom on this blog! Feel free to ask the Toons which things they know about! (On my other Blog, @lilythecaattt, I note some Fandoms and such I am/was in :>)

-Other Roleplay Blogs are allowed! Or even other AU’s of the same characters!

-Magic Anons are allowed, but there is a limit to what you can do. I’ll note some examples in “Rules for Asks” below vvv

-Sometimes I add extra stuff in tags, so maybe check those on these posts… :)

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!! ASK RULES !!

-No NSFW, or Realistic Gore. (Preferably avoid suggestive things…)

-^That means: DON’T BE “FrEakY” basically.

-Don’t make Diddy jokes… From the little I have heard, it is not funny.

-Please do not rant about really serious things.. If you’re just having a bad day, and need to vent a bit, that’s okay! But if you need help with Mental Health stuff, please find a number or something. (/I don’t mean to come off rude or anything….)

-Do not use slurs.

-Do not send M!A’s (Magic Asks) dumping Water on Vee or anything like that. No plucking Dandy’s petals either—You know who you are.

-Don’t spam the same Ask repeatedly… Resending it a couple times if Tumblr is bugging is fine, but it gets obvious when that isn’t the case.

-Smaller thing but like, don’t go calling Coal, Bobette or Dandy “Fat” or whatever.

Important Note:

Because it is the Toons running the blog in-lore, they will not answer any Asks that go against these Rules.

YOU CAN:

-Swear in Asks; Just *preferably* do not swear at me or the Toons…

-Send characters objects, basically anything (that isn’t against the Ask Rules)… But if you were to say, give them a full on Rifle, they might get in trouble for having that…

-Roleplay as a Toon or OC! Just don’t pretend it’s specifically from the same AU. I I have some specific ideas for each of the Toons… By default. Roleplaying as an in-game Toon will likely make them assume they are a “Cousin” (Clone) of a Toon.

-^No adding to the AU Lore, or making a character bring up nonexistent larger plot-points IN THIS AU specifically—because then you’re kind of painting on another persons canvas. (Just something I felt I should note.)

-Be a little bit mean to *some* Toons. Mostly Toons that are a little mean anyway—Glisten, Vee, or Sprout—Just don’t take it too far! (You could send a goofy threat to make Sprouts family bald, for example… But going into great gory-detail on a death threat is an obvious no.)

-^You can bully them a bit, but do not harass them. So don’t go sending “I grab Cosmoc and smooch him 2 million times :333” or ANYTHING like that.

-Interrogating them with deeper questions is fine. Just pay attention to see if they’re getting too annoyed—because then they might start ignoring those Asks otherwise… (Not that I’m mad at you, but the Toons might be, and I try to stay in character with what they’d do…)

…

! MAGIC ANON LIMITS !

-MAGIC ANONS Can effect up to 5 Asks. But only 2 if it’s a more drastic change.

-Giving a Character an Object can infinite: if the Object itself isn’t physically magical in some way. (Sending Cookies or Flowers can be infinite, but a Magic Wand would only last a few Asks.)

-You cannot change a Character Physically. No changing a Toons Object, or turn them into an Object.

-Don’t go stealing control of an SW!Character. You can’t just; “The Shelly from this AU kidnaps Cosmo, stabs him, and ties him to a heavy object to drop into the Ocean!”

-IF you want to have a longer-lasting effect.. you cooould try and manipulate convince a Toon to do something that will be of interest to them. Or bribe them, if you will… :)

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Tags for things:

(Note: Handlers will be referred to by Name in Tags!)

(Note: “Unknown” is what is tagged when a Toon is secretly posting on the blog. They are either hacking in, or keeping the Blog from making clear who made a specific post.)

-Dandy’s World Roleplay/Askblog/Rp Blog

Toon Tags:

-SW!Sprout Answers

-SW![Toon Name] Answers

-SW!Gang Answers [*Meaning 4 or more Toons answered a question, or were asked a question.]

Roleplay Tags:

-SW![Toon Name] Reblogs [*If anyone @‘s this blog, and mentions a Mod Toon :>]

-SW![Toon Name] Posts

-SW![Toon Name] RP [*Note that this tag may not be directly related to SW!AU lore…]

-SW!Scene [For situations that may or may not be lore related :)]

-SW!Document [Files or Papers that somehow find their way onto the Blog…]

Etc SW!Tags:

-SW!Update Post [Updates on the Blog, Magic Asks, and other SW!AU things!]

-SW!Polls [Polls for stuff :3]

-Not SW!AU Lore Related💔

-SW!AU Lore Related❤️

-Maybe SW!AU Lore Related❓

OOC Tags:

-/OOC💜

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(Note: Below is old stuff, bc I got tired editing this…)

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Etc Stuff:

-This is a Shelly’s World AU/Post Infection Recovery AU!

-I might also call it the “Reformed” or “Rebooted” AU? I’m still deciding… Also, “Rebooted” might be taken- IDK TAKE IT WITH SALT I guess.

-Shelly, Sprout (of course), Astro, Vee, Pebble and Dandy are all around… (Also Bobette, but this isn’t about her :>)

-In the present, “Shelly’s World” is the replacement Show while they rework the old “Dandy’s World” Episodes!: With Shelly Starring in it, her show is a mix of Education and Entertainment! Meaning Finn, and a few of my OC’s, help teach things depending on what the Episode is about. (I am still deciding who else Co-Stars with her)

-After the Ichor-Infection was cured, some (*few) Toons are still conflicted having Dandy back again…

-Most of the Toons have Clones, which have to wear tags with their Clone Number so they aren’t confused for Original Toons… They are not referred to as Clones in front of Visitors; they are called “Cousin’s” or “Siblings” instead. Some Clones have their own unique names and styles, others haven’t found one yet.

-This is supposed to be 13-15+ max, but for the most part, I’d wish to keep this Blog silly!

-^There *might* be existential stuff, I’m not sure…

-This is my Main Tumblr Account, my other is @lilythecaattt! for reblogging and stuff.

-I don’t really swear, so if Sprout starts using words like “Flipping” or “Freaking”, it’s because I tend to do that xP

-I’ll use a “🍓” in tags when Sprout is speaking! In text, I’ll use text “ [🍓]: “Like this.” ” When a Toon is speaking! Same goes for each Toon, in their respective colors.

-When a tag start with n emoji like “🍓”, it was put there by an SW!Toon.

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Shelly’s World Sprout:

-He’s roommates with Cosmo in this AU!

-Thanks to Boxten getting Cosmo addicted to Cookie Run Kingdom, Sprout knows the game exists. Also thanks to Boxten, he has a few Vocaloid songs on his playlists… 👀

-Sprout has long since given up on finding his world’s Cosmo on Tumblr… 😔

-^Mostly since Cosmo gave his Account to another Toon anyways.

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About Blog Owner:

-Call me either Lily, or Kit. (No one really calls me Lily, but I don’t mind either!)

-^Or you can call me Mod, Blog Owner, OOC, stuff like that…

-If there is small text inside of “()” that’s me speaking. If it’s italic, with a “ * ” at the start, it’s something other Toons don’t notice.

-Non-roleplay account: @lilythecaattt

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Sorry if it’s a bit messy, this is my first Roleplay Account…

If anyone can think of something I should add, feel free to let me know!

*Edited a lot of stuff: Jan/24/25, it was WAY too messy and had way too much information… (removed /reordered stuff)

*Edited a lot AGAIN: Feb/24/25: Dayung, only took a month to go “Omg this is dooki” and redo a bunch of things- Note I reordered stuff, and added/removed things this time…

[randum-famdoms]

Y’all I been getting so many asks about donating to people who are in Gaza and I’m like 90% sure they’re scams since none of the people sending these messages have previously interacted with my blog. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but I’m gonna be turning off anon asks as a result. Not all of the asks are anon, in fact most aren’t, but it’s the only thing I can think of to mitigate this problem without restricting asks to not include media, to only be allowed by tumblrs I follow, or to turn them off entirely - none of which I want to do.

I think replying to these asks to spread awareness about the scams will only encourage whatever bots are running these things, since they’ll see me responding to asks about Gaza and donations. So, instead of doing that, I’m making this post.

Is it possible that they aren’t scams? Yes. However, only one of the blogs sending these asks followed me - and according to my notifs they followed me immediately before sending the ask and never interacted with my blog apart from that. Also, these asks only started getting sent AFTER I reblogged a post spreading awareness about a website which compiles real fundraisers for Gaza and its civilians in need of help to evacuate and AFTER I started interacting with more asks on my blog. All blogs which have sent me asks like this have absurdly long lists of blogs they follow all of which are very recently active, and of the ones that I clicked on all of which had reblogged the Gaza donations post in the last month, and none of the blogs sending the asks had any posts not relating to Gaza or their own go fund me (except for one, which only had 2 reblogs not relating to Gaza or advertising their own go fund me) and all of these blogs are pretty new (as in only a few months old but usually less).

All of this evidence leads me to believe that these blogs are not made by real people in need. If some are then I am sorry but they aren’t very good at proving they are real people, and it’s sad that they need to do that at all but realistically it’s a part of fundraising. None of them had links to other social media, none of them had varied original posts showing day to day life or personal interests, most of them didn’t even have a non-default pfp or blog banner, and only one of them had reblogs outside of anything immediately relevant to Gaza and even then it was just two probably AI photos of models that belong on only fans which frankly is not promising.

In conclusion, these kinds of scams make me sick. I’m tired of getting them in my asks, and I wish I could do more to stop them but I can’t find anything in my tumblr settings to do so. I don’t want to open my tumblr notifs and every single day see a new bot taking advantage of genocide to scam people out of money that could have gone to someone truly in need.

If someone knows of a way to actually prevent these kinds of scams reaching my inbox I would be grateful. I’m on mobile, so maybe there’s more options to stop this on desktop.

[carpooling-the-internet]

Internet anonymity and the wonders of the sideblog!

Tl;dr, advice! if you are shy to rb or post fandom (or any!) things on your blog bc there are ppl you know irl who follow you, start a sideblog! Or three! I am having a great time! Highly recommend!!

I’ve been on tumblr since I was in early high school or so and now I’m a few years out of college. Though it’s always been my favorite form of social media, I never reblogged much at all in that time, even though I considered myself an active user. That is until a couple years ago when I made my first sideblog. I was swept into the force of nature that was the our flag means death fandom, and the urge to actually participate socially in fandom was so strong that I made an ofmd sideblog! Now on each of my sideblogs, especially this one which I’ve come to view as my general fandom one, i am fearless! I am being myself!

And I’ve come to realize why. It’s because I don’t know anyone irl who follows my sideblogs. (At least I hope not. Irl friends if you’ve found my sideblog please don’t let me know :) )

More rambling under the cut…

That’s not to say that I’m embarrassed about my fandoms (I’ll talk your ear off about them irl!) or that I don’t trust the irl friends that follow me to not judge me. But existing in the tumblr space as carpooling-the-internet rather than firstnamelastname123 has allowed me to truly not worry about how people see me. I can engage with others! I can post my thoughts and not wonder if my boss will see! This friendly anonymity is what’s missing from almost all other social medias and is one of the main things that makes tumblr so special.

I don’t want my irl friends to unfollow my main so starting this sideblog has been an easy solution. I feel like I’m finally experiencing the tumblr I was always too shy to participate in. Of course there’s downsides, like not being able to follow ppl from here, or comment on posts. And I do occasionally wonder if I’m misunderstanding everything and there actually is a way to find my sideblogs from my main without much effort.

Anyway this is just to say, after a decade of being on this hellsite and enjoying the culture and liking posts, I finally feel like I am participating in and belonging to the culture. I am having so much fun. I feel a bit silly for not figuring this out sooner! But better late than never

[acourtofthought]

I don’t think what went down with that e/lriel was fair. I think it was beneath you. I am also using my phone, so I apologise for any weird formatting.

Let me preface this by saying - You made valid points. I just don’t understand why you went to their post, and commented at all? To be honest, I don’t think you were in the right on that, and it makes us look bad. We’ve been accused of baiting in the past, and I’ve always scoffed at it..but you undeniably did go onto their post to seemingly start a fight. I also don’t think it’s a fair claim, that they could stop responding - when it was their post and blog to begin with, and not some random post that invited discussion. That is an unrealistic, and unfair expectation. I would tell someone who came into my space like that to “fuck off” too. That e/lriel you engaged with IS problematic, undeniably so. Everyone knows it. I just feel you gave them something valid to whine about this time. I am genuinely confused and frequently disgusted by our ACOTAR community as a whole. We call each other hypocrites, and yet do the very same thing we accuse our antis of. One of your reiterated points is “you hate when e/lriels say Eluciens lack reading comprehension” - a very fair gripe to be sure! However I’ve seen numerous posts from “our” side of the line, claiming that very thing of E/lriels..I’ve seen much worse claimed of them, by us..Truly, I wish you would have just vagued that E/lriel instead of engaging like that. It was disappointing, and I’m annoyed that today I actually feel bad for them.

I apologize that my responding to something in the Elain tag has upset you to the point that you felt the need to message me.

I LOVE a lot of the people that I've interacted with through Tumblr. I love reading their blogs, their ideas, their thoughts. And I love that there is a collective group who love Elucien like I do.

At the same time, I am still an independent thinker and operate based on my emotions and thoughts. If I feel angered over others being attacked then I'm not the kind of person who's going to sit back and do nothing. If something frustrates me and I feel driven to speak up, I'm going to do it.

Truly, I apologize if that somehow gives the collective Eluciens a bad name. But the Original Poster was ridiculing others under the Elain tag which leaves it open for anyone following the Elain tag to comment on.

I was presenting an opinion to her, in response to a post which I felt did not provide accurate information. If she did not like my reblog response, she could have ignored me. She could have blocked me. But she chose to respond and progressively got nastier. I don't think there is anything wrong with responding to an open blog that has the tag of Elain in it, regardless of whether or not that blog was created by her or not. She blogged something with a tag that would be seen by both Elucien and Elriels. That's like saying when an actor posts a promo for their movie, only people who agree with a certain group of critics should be allowed to comment. The Elain tag belongs to no one in particular which, in my opinion means it's open for discussion. When a neutral tag is used, people are going to speak up. I don't think that means anyone is giving their ship a bad name if it's done in a certain way. What gives certain sides of a fandom a "bad name" is not the back and forth discussion with someone. It's when name calling and belittling others happens. It's when people forget how to have any actual debate and resort to pettiness.

I'm not sure what more to say because while I'm sorry it bothered you to this extent, I'm not going to be the kind of person who doesn't speak out when I feel like it's in defense of others. I know I don't always succeed but for the most part, I try to discuss the book rather than turning into a personal attack. And while I don't enjoy having someone upset with me, I can't promise I won't speak out again in the future.

[rosaguard]

summer waxes poetically about her favorite aeris gainsborough ships:

i never reblogged that five ships meme because...well i don’t have five aeris ships i care about lol. however, i was challenged(tm) so here is something close to it. i do feel like it is fitting to make this post on here since aeris was actually the first muse i truly started writing a ship on after asking someone first ( and i had been writing on tumblr for like...5 years on and off before that for context. anything before that was just..maybe flirting - nothing i felt invested in ).

aeris & happiness.

   the most important ship. the OTP. no other can compare. i think the biggest tragedy of aeris’ death is that so much was taken from her. she had so much to live for, so much to do, and her life was brutally and suddenly ripped away when she was finally getting the chance to figure herself out and rise to her full potential. i don’t want to aeris to die in the remake ( especially because everything about the whispers would’ve felt like a waste of time if nothing significant changes and aeris living is probably as significant as you can get ) but if it happens, it happens - i’ll just be really sad and disappointed by it lol. i’ve always been very clear that aeris’ death is not a bad one despite my blog canon essentially retconning it. there’s a reason she dies and it’s not to further cloud’s man pain ( he had enough of his own trauma already ); she dies because she’s a legitimate threat to sephiroth’s plans. she’s actually an example of a character death, especially a female one, done incredibly well, especially compared to SE’s recent output ( serah, luna, etc. ). also anyone who says she was created just to die is also wrong. barret was originally written to die first and they decided to change it.

    anyway, the point of me bringing all of this up is that i didn’t decide to do away with her death because i think SE sucks and they hate women. i did away with it because a lot of aeris’ character development ( her learning about the cetra at cosmo canyon, figuring out what the white materia does, etc ) is implied / off-screen since we never know her point of view and then well...she dies. i wanted to explore what her feelings would be if she woke up alive after being attacked while meteor is slowly drawing closer to the planet. how would she handle that? how would she feel? would she feel like a failure? would she be angry? what would she do after meteor is destroyed? would she travel the world? join the w.r.o? tell everyone to fuck off and then move to a cottage in the middle of nowhere and live the rest of her life in peace? these are the questions i wanted answered when i thought about aeris living. i don’t care if she ends up with cloud, or zack, or whoever because they don’t matter: aeris matters. she’s her own person with goals, desires, wishes, and more. no one talks about what she would want and do if she had lived. all people care about is what ‘man’ she belongs to as if she’s a prize to be exchanged between them.

   the second reason is simple that she fucking deserves it. she deserves it after living in a lab for 7 years and watching her mother die just trying to get her out. she deserves after having to deal with being stalked by the same company responsible for a lot of her suffering. she deserves to finally be around friends that make her feel loved, accepted, and cared for. she deserves to not feel alone, or like an outcast, or a freak because of her powers. she deserves to be able to go to icicle inn too and see footage of her father for the first time. she deserves to be able to go back to kalm and see her mom again. she deserves to live happily just like everyone else gets to do. her life has been filled with so much tragedy and pain yet she never lets it define her. she blooms in the face of adversity. she keeps smiling even up until the end of her life. she deserves happiness as her end-game and if i don’t get it in canon, i’m going to create it here myself.

aeris & cloud.

    i disliked this ship for a long time. it actually wasn’t because of the ship itself but due to some of my experiences with the shippers. i won’t go into my fandom experiences but i ran an account dedicated to ti.fa for almost six years so i’ve seen how...unpretty both sides of the 'ship war’ can get and it turned me off. a lot. when i decided to write aeris, i immediately started a replay of the the original game with an ‘aeris-lens’ ( analyzing her character, her relationships, making sure i got her date, etc. ). it made me look at her relationship with cloud in a different light since i had never really paid attention to it as heavily before since i avoided the ship tbh. i ended up enjoying their dynamic a lot. they have a natural chemistry with each other but there’s also this unspoken distance between them which is fully intentional - she has her own walls up and he has his. 

    they have a very ‘tragic love’ since well...she dies before anything can fully go to the next level. their relationship in canon is a very ‘what if’ and as a result, i often see people who don’t like the ship claim that they wouldn’t work because aeris wouldn’t be able to ‘deal’ with cloud and would’ve left. to be blunt, this a bad take considering supporting one another is prevalent throughout their relationship: 

aeris: i learned a lot. the elders taught me many things. about the cetra... and the promised land... i'm...... alone... i'm all alone now... cloud: but i'm...... we're here for you, right? aeris: i know. i know, but... i am the only...... cetra. cloud: does that mean we can't help?

cloud: ...i gave the black materia to sephiroth...? wha... what did I do... tell me, aeris. aeris: cloud... be strong, ok? He writhes and clutches his head. cloud urrrrrrgh... what have I done!? aeris: cloud... you haven't done anything. it's not your fault.

cloud: yeah, I hear you. sorry for what happened. aeris: don't worry about it. cloud: ...i can't help it... aeris: oh... then, why don't you REALLY worry about it? and let me handle sephiroth. and cloud, you take care of yourself. so you don't have a breakdown, okay?

    the remake only reinforces everything i like about their relationship: their banter is great, aeris gently takes his hand during one of his ‘moments’ and supports him, she confides in him about talking to her flowers, and he never treats her differently ( which is a big deal when just two nights before, he told someone to ‘get help’ when they claimed they could hear the planet lol ). they have so much in common as well: they both have struggled with loneliness, being an outcast, and not having a lot of friends. i’ll always find it incredibly interesting how cloud is repeatedly not invited to be apart of group functions in the remake ( he wasn’t allowed to celebrate with avalanche and had to sit outside jessie’s house as the others ate pizza ) until he met aeris and she invited him to have dinner with her and her mom. despite the ‘bodyguard’ dynamic to their relationship, they always feel like equals to me.

aeris: today’s special!!! cloud: why? aeris: because i met you, you dumb binch!!!

aeris: *says cryptic stuff and tells him that they can’t fall in love* ( i’m saying they because apparently in japanese / other languages she says ‘we can’t fall in love’, not just ‘you can’t fall in love with me’. ) cloud: uh....how about i do anyway??? also i’m saving you so...see you tomorrow at 11. bye.

me: their relationship never gets to a serious level because the opportunity was taken away from them de to unfortunate circumstances. 

also me: they’re just just...dumb and in love!!!! i’m sorry, that’s just the way it is!!!! she literally tells him that meeting him again was special to her and the silly boi doesn’t get it!!!! one of the composers of the game even said a tracks that plays with them is meant to have a romantic vibe!! when she pulls away from him, he reaches out for her because he doesn’t want her to let go!! the lyrics of hollow is literally ‘this time i’ll never LET YOU GO’ AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

    anyway, i’ve also noticed this weird trend in the fandom where it feels like cloud is never allowed to just has his own dedicated feelings about aeris - and i’m not even talking about romantic feelings. i feel like whenever there is talk about cloud’s relationship with za.ck or ti.fa, no one inserts aeris into it. they’re allowed to have their individual relationships with him yet with aeris it feels like you cannot talk about how much she meant to him and vice versa without other characters being thrown in. i don’t know if it’s because of shipping and people don’t want to acknowledge that like...characters can have feelings for multiple people or what but the reality is that cloud did feel something for her. she did mean a lot to him; so much so that he slept in her church two years after she was dead and went to her burial place alone. he missed her.  maybe it was just as a friend, maybe it was because of something more but i really dislike how their relationship and importance to each other, regardless of whether it’s platonic or romantic, is constantly invalidated.

aeris & gene.

     when kas / @castershot first created channels for gene and aeris in our rp server last year, i honestly did not think these two would have a serious relationship at all. i figured maybe they would have a fling or something at best / aeris would be the equivalent of a filler character in a few episodes of the show and then they would go their separate ways. ...that didn’t happen but i’m glad it didn’t! i didn’t know a gosh diddly darn thing about outlaw star but i’m very good at researching and aggressively reading wikis so i was able to whip up a verse ( and someone who watched the show thought i had actually watched it after reading my verse so i guess i did a darn good job! ). anyway, i feel like when writing aeris it’s very easy to...hmm...fall into very certain dynamics and considering gene’s line of work ( doing odd jobs, being a bodyguard for hire, a general jack of all trades ), i didn’t want it to be the ‘he’s a bodyguard, she gets protected, blah blah blah’ dynamic but in space. so their relationship ( at least in my head - there’s a lot going on in there tbh!!! ) basically became somewhat of a deconstruction of cl.erith + ( bad ) stereotypes about aeris in general:

      what if the helpless flower girl that needs saving from the big bad corporation is actually a liar who works for said corporation and was sent by them to retrieve something important(tm) and eliminate anyone that gets in her way? what if aeris, a secret member of the turks, has become so desensitized when interacting with other people since she is constantly wearing a mask and she can’t tell if she’s genuinely falling for someone or if her acting is just so good that even she can’t tell what’s real or fake anymore? what if i took all those bad takes about aeris knowing she would die, flip it, and actually make it so that she does know and still goes alone anyway because she wants to save lives for once instead of being the person who takes them away!!

me: imagine the drama!!! the angst!!! kas, casually: [redacted name b/c of spoilers] would just bring her back to life. me: WHAT?! >:(

apparently one character in the show is casually just GOD and can revive people so they can come back like:

    my bubble was BURST. dreams DASHED. plans CRUSHED. dramatics aside, i still kept the idea of her dying because i do like the take of a more secretly jaded / not as ‘pure’ aeris that works for shinra and has to basically relearn how to trust / care about others again + i live to attack kas and all of her muses. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.  anyway, the point is that i love them and they’re a dynamic i’m very invested in the more times passes. they’re both so stupid and passionate and loud ( the first in character thing i wrote when i remade this blog was them screaming at each other in an argument ) but they’re also sensitive, don’t open up to others easily, and have trauma!! oof x 100.

me: this ship won’t be serious lol the ship, months later: may or may not have a thread with them going on a date. may or may not have gone to ti.fa and cloud’s wedding together ( where kissafist’s tif.a may or may not threaten to smash his balls in if he doesn’t treat aeris right. *smash em, rip em plays in the distance as aeris aggressively laughs nervously* ), they may or may not get married and have twins that may or may not be named ren and rose. me: clown putting on make up.png

so yea, they’ve come a long way(tm).

the end.

[panharmonium]

just some thinky thoughts about fandom platforms and community that i didn’t know what to do with, so i wrote them down.

[tl;dr - tumblr is weird, pan misses (certain aspects of) Ye Olde Days]

tumblr is such a weird platform.

like.  i love my blog as a personal repository of stuff i enjoy, and i’m definitely thrilled to have met the people i’ve met on here - some of them have even become my friends outside the internet, and that’s been absolutely lovely.  but in terms of actual functionality when it comes to trying to engage in a fandom...it’s still weird.

i know people will probably get tired of all the “BACK IN MY DAY” fandom analysis posts that float around on this website, but even having been here for years now, it is still really hard for me to adjust to a place that makes it so impossible to find any kind of actual fandom community spaces.

for me, i didn’t even start using tumblr until i was in my mid-twenties, and that was only because tumblr was where most people from LJ had migrated.  i’d been Doing Fandom for over a decade prior to that, on other platforms (fandom specific sites/archives and then LJ), so i ended up here kind of out of necessity - the great fandom migration was already mostly complete, by the time i moved.  

so i got here, and i got settled, but fandom on tumblr has been so different from fandom as i experienced it anywhere else, and that’s not the fault of any of its users; it’s just an inevitable function of the way this site is structured.

it is SO HARD for us to connect with people on here!

just, as an example from my own more recent life - i’ve been doing a lot of merlin stuff lately, right?  that’s where my head is at and that’s what i’m having the most fun with and i would love to be more interactive with people about it, like - to have folks to geek out with about it, you know, to do the things that fandom is for - and if i were on, say, livejournal, back in the day, i would know where to go to do those things.  there would be specific spaces built for just that purpose.  LJ comms were places where everybody who was interested in a particular thing could go for the express purpose of posting and discussing and interacting about that thing!  people still maintained their own personal blogs, but they also belonged to whichever LJ communities reflected their interests.  LJ comms and fandom-specific sites were fandom hubs - it was so easy to find what you were looking for.

this functionality doesn’t exist in any meaningful way on tumblr.  big, moderated groups/communities aren’t a thing tumblr truly supports.  there’s no way for me to go join the “merlin” comm and just be in community with a large group of people who just wanna talk about merlin.  the limited “group blog” functionality on tumblr is so non-conducive to actual usage that community spaces like those just don’t really exist, not like Back In The Day.

fandom on tumblr is so very decentralized.  the way things are set up here forces all of us to just make posts on our individual blogs, which then might get picked up and put on other people’s individual blogs, maybe.  you can’t like...make something (X) Fandom related and drop it in the (X) Fandom LJ Comm like “hey look, something fun to talk about!”  you could put it in “The Tag,” but anyone who’s been here for any length of time knows how useful doing that actually is.  and you could post it on your individual blog, but it won’t necessarily reach anybody who might want to geek out with you, not if you’re not already followed by someone in that fandom.  

and the only other option is to invite yourself onto someone else’s individual blog, which is a) inefficient, when you’re looking for wider community, and b) not something a Painfully Reserved Person is wont to do.

the analogy that works best for me is this: pre-tumblr, fandom hangouts were community spaces.  they were cafés with a sign hanging out front saying “star wars here!” or “kanan/hera here!” or “X here!”  if you wanted to geek out about a particular thing, you would go to the café and meet a bunch of other people there.

nowadays, if you want to geek out about a particular thing, you have to barge into a stranger’s house.  and not everyone is comfortable with that.

.

the lack of real, threaded comments is also just...i don’t know how to express how detrimental this is to communication and community.  i mean, i understand that tumblr’s entire “reblog” system doesn’t really allow it to be a thing, but tumblr’s entire mechanic as a fandom platform has to be questioned, in that case.

how impossible is it to have a conversation on here, the way tumblr is set up right now?  i mean - let’s say you make a post, right?  one person reblogs it and adds their own text to it; another person reblogs the original version, but says something different in the tags.  a third person doesn’t reblog it at all, but hits “reply” on your original post.  a fourth person “replies” also, but to the second person’s reblog, in response to the additional content.  

NONE OF YOU ARE HAVING THE SAME CONVERSATION.  none of you are even aware that the other conversations are happening.  the idea of trying to build an actual cohesive fandom community like that is just...impossible.  it can’t happen.

when i reblog posts on tumblr, i feel like i’m a dragon collecting a little hoard of shiny things she likes, only i never actually see another person, because i live in a cave.

everybody here lives in a cave.

.

and like...this is just philosophical, i guess, but.  tumblr’s focus on “follower count” and notes is also a thing i don’t really know how to handle.  

having people “follow” me makes me feel weird. seeing that people are “following” this blog exerts a bizarre external pressure, as if my little house here could ever be for anybody who isn’t me.  it prompts a tiny 'but should you?’ in the back of my head when i post about something that isn’t what all those people came here for, which is ridiculous, because this was never supposed to be a blog for any fandom in particular; it was just a blog for me.  i was the only one here when i started, and i literally never did anything to try and get people to come here and join me.  it happened accidentally, because bigger blogs than me picked up some star wars stuff i made and passed it around.

but of course, on tumblr, making connections gets conflated with follower/note count, and understandably so, because besides having a higher follower count (aka wider distribution), how are people ever going to reach the other people who are into the same thing they are?  

.

for instance.  let’s say you’re brand new to tumblr.  you want to get involved in X fandom.  there’s no community space here where a new blog with no followers can go and share their stuff with the right audience and meet all the other people who are also sharing their own work.  unless you start messaging strangers, your tumblr time is pretty isolated.

whereas - i remember on lj comms, back when people would post as a newcomer, it would be like, ‘hey i’m so-and-so and i love xyz and here’s a picture i drew of x character!!!!’ - and people would actually respond to that.  people responded to everything!  like.  tiny 400 word fics would have 30 comments, and all those people were talking with each other, not past each other, on the same page. 

.

just for fun, while i was typing this up, i went through a month’s worth of posts on an old lj comm i used to frequent.  not a single one of those posts was comment-less.  every single post, even the tiniest, most insignificant one-line musing, had some amount of discussion attached to it.  

whereas now - i don’t know if this is just confined to tumblr, or if it’s a general cultural shift, because even on AO3, i sometimes see people who have written massive sprawling epics and the comment field is just a desert.  i once saw the exact same fic posted on ff.net, where it had 20 comments - and then on AO3, where it had zero. 

and like, say what you will about ff.net (there’s...plenty to be said, certainly XD ) but commenting patterns were observably different there.  and that’s all part and parcel of a bigger discussion, which isn’t really within the scope of these notes, except to say that it’s probably the source of my forever grudge match with AO3′s kudos button, which i realize is an absurdly silly thing to say and i’m smiling at myself even as i type this, but - i gotta be honest - i hate that thing!  i can’t stand it!  XD  

i say that in the most good-natured way possible, obviously; this is fandom, after all, and it’s all for fun, and i love AO3 in every other way, so this is more a minor annoyance which makes me laugh at myself than anything else - but i say again - in the most fun-loving, self-deprecating way possible - that little button is my archnemesis.  XD  

i totally get why other people love it!  it’s a completely reasonable way to feel!  but for me, personally, coming out of an environment where the reward at the end of making something was getting to gush with somebody else, make a connection, talk about the thing that gave us So Many FEELS - the kudos button is so.  sterile.  and.  empty.  it doesn’t fulfill my urge to connect with people or share fannish enthusiasm in any way.  i’d almost rather not even see kudos on my account, honestly, because it makes me feel more disappointed than anything else - like, “oh, man.  look at all these missed fandom conversations we could have had.”

and obviously, this is in no way meant as disparaging to people who use the kudos button liberally.  it is ALWAYS lovely to show appreciation for someone who wrote something you liked, however which way you are able, if and only if you are so inclined.  nobody is obligated to leave feedback - lurkers are a perfectly accepted and long-celebrated fandom tradition; i belonged to that tradition myself, for most of my fandom life - so showing appreciation in any form is already going above and beyond.  nobody needs to be harangued with “YOU SHOULD’VE COMMENTED” or “YOU SHOULD’VE REBLOGGED” - none of that stuff is required to participate in fandom; nobody owes comments or reblogs, and creators have to be okay with that.  we can discuss and/or lament the structural factors that encourage or discourage participation, by all means, but ultimately we have to recognize that nobody is actually required to respond to things we make.  it’s fandom.  we’re all here by choice, and people’s participation levels are their own business. 

and anyway, i know that lots of authors actually love getting kudos on their work, so my experience isn’t universal, by any means.  it’s just a function of my own personal background, and the communities i used to run in - i speak for no one but myself and my own fannish life.

.

and besides, the entire debate about kudos/comments and like/reblog disparities doesn’t come anywhere near the underlying issues.  it’s sometimes framed as “people not participating in fandom appropriately” (and that’s completely unfair; there’s no wrong way to do fandom when you’re not hurting anybody) as opposed to “what is it about our platforms that encourages or discourages participatory fan culture.”  like - the only reason we even need to talk about the importance of reblogs vs. likes is because tumblr makes it so darn hard for a person’s stuff to be seen by the “right” people!  reblogs are the only way for someone’s work to spread, and even then it’s kind of like throwing a handful of darts at a board and praying one of them will land in a well-connected spot.  if a platform like tumblr were set up differently, we wouldn’t even need to have this conversation - there would be places to post your work where people would be specifically looking for content like what you were making.  you could make those fannish connections more easily.

*** important to note, too - it’s always worthwhile to remember when reading these “back in the old days” nostalgia posts that pre-tumblr spaces had drawbacks of their own.  livejournal was not some fannish utopia, by any means.  there were, however, a few structural things from that era that i think were helpful influences on fan culture, and their absence here makes me miss them.

but anyways.  those are just some thoughts.  and now i’m going back to my regularly scheduled posting, because i DO enjoy this place, even if the platform can be somewhat lacking sometimes - we still have to find a way to have fun, right?  that’s the entire point of being in fandom in the first place.

[theirprofoundbond]

Fandom and FOMO

I haven't participated in fandom for a few months now, and I've been feeling a few different ways about it. This is the first afternoon I've had off in a very long time, so this personal post is my attempt to sort out everything that's in my head, and maybe connect with anyone who can relate.

First of all, I miss being here. I miss having the time to be here.

I'm in my second year of university--just over the halfway point, now, with my undergraduate degree. I knew it was going to be challenging--that's the point, and it's what I signed up for. But second year is kind of kicking my ass, and it doesn't feel very good!

On top of being in school full-time, I've got an internship this year, I'm moderating an in-person writing group I set up on campus, and in December my boyfriend and I purchased a small e-commerce business so now I also have a part-time job. There's... a lot going on.

And I can say honestly that all of it is going well! Which is great. Except I'm in the position where all of the above is a delicate balancing act that does not allow room for anything else, really. Which is not great. It feels like my life doesn't even belong to me right now. And as a Super Mega Introvert, it is not an exaggeration to say that I'm suffering.

I've been able to keep up with the episodes, but that's all. I think, actually, that watching the show is the only thing I've truly been able to do just for myself, for months. I can't justify logging on to Tumblr, even to peek at my dashboard or shoot someone a quick message because I just have no time.

It feels terrible. I miss talking to people. I miss everyone's great content--the latest commentary and meta, the fic, the artwork, the gifs. I miss participating, even in the smallest ways like discussion and reblogs.

Normally, I resist FOMO with all my might. I try to keep these things in mind: We only get one life and all we have is limited time. You can't do everything. Be content with what time you do have and what you choose to do with it.

HOWEVER. It's the final season of Supernatural! This is it!! So my FOMO levels are, understandably, pretty high.

I think feelings within fandom are running high in general. I've heard about how fractured fandom has become. I think people are afraid of what the end will and will not give us. I think we're afraid for the people (characters) we love. I think we're afraid to say goodbye. These things are also understandable. In the face of this, though, a part of me just wants to curl up inside myself and enjoy the ride on my own, in an independent, no-discord-to-worry-about-here kind of way.

I feel pulled in both directions. And I feel like I'm in an especially difficult position, because I ship Dean and Cas with all my heart... but I don't think it's canon now and I don't for a second believe it will become canon. And I can be okay with that, but I know a lot of other people can't and won't be, and I'm just... not looking forward to the fallout.

More than anything else, though, I think the thing I'm afraid of is this: being left behind.

I haven't been here for very long. I arrived in the fandom at the start of season 12, I found out about and fell in love with Destiel shortly thereafter, and like... that's it for me, folks. When I say Dean and Cas are my OTP, they are my OTP.

I know that Supernatural as a fandom is singular. It is deeply and incredibly unique and special. I know that many of us are going to be here ages after the credits have finished rolling on the finale. But inevitably, there will be a decline.

I'm not ready for it! I just got here! You had better believe that I'm going to be digging through Tumblr and AO3 for years, checking out all the stuff I missed from back in the day, and revisiting all the things I love. So I'm scared about people moving on, about people deleting their blogs or their art or their fic. I'm scared about pieces of fandom disappearing.

And then there are these two fics that I desperately want to write.

Hopefully there will be more after that, but these two are currently taking up so much real estate in my heart and my head that not a day goes by where I don't think about them. These stories are the last thing I think about before I fall asleep at night. Nothing will stop me from writing them, because I need to write them. Even if it's only for myself, I want them to exist somewhere outside of my own heart and head. But, you know--of course I hope there will still be other people around wanting to read them, by the time they make it into the world.

So... this is what's been swirling around in my head, for months now. I don't how to wrap this up, other than to say it felt good to write this, at least. And I hope you're all well, and I hope I can hang around more often, really soon.

Enjoy yourselves, and be good to each other ❤️️

[promisedyouforever]

A Reader’s Plea

*disclaimer: This is @promisedyouforever, and I’m speaking only for myself here, not @chiaroscuroverse or @skyler10fic.  I’ll be reblogging this to @doctorroseficreclists.  :)

Most of us have probably already read a “PLEEZ DON’T DELETE UR STUFFS” post before, but I would like to put this out on the interwebs from the point of view of not only a reader, but an archiver.

Since I do all the CodeMonkeyThings™ for us at @doctorroseficreclists, and I really want everything to run smoothly for both you and us, I complied and do frequent maintenance on a database we use of Every. Single. Fic. we’ve recommended… title, author, links, which of our lists it’s on, and so on.  And I don’t want our lists to contain broken links.

So, every few months (if not more often) I run this database through an external link checker. And every time, my heart cracks just a little as I have to go back to our lists and delete recommendations for a fic an author has taken down.

Here it is, then, ‘cause you knew it was coming: PLEEZ, PLEEZ, PLEEZ!!  If you are an author and, for whatever reason, you’re thinking about deleting your fic… please don’t.  Please leave it behind for others to enjoy.

Please don’t make us do the ugly-crying!

    Don’t misunderstand me: this is a plea, not a demand.  Readers have no entitlement to keep reading your fic. Of course it is your work, and of course it belongs to you, and of course you have the sole right to determine what happens to it for whatever your reasons are.  (And for the record, this doesn’t include fic taken down to be rewritten and reposted.  That’s entirely different!)

And yes, sometimes an author may need to delete their works.  If the author is a professional or has become professional, they may need to remove their fanfic from public view before signing a publishing contract.  (Self-publishing is becoming more common, however, and that usually does not entail this need.)  Some other pressing personal or professional problem might arise.  But a good percentage of the time, I don’t think these are the reasons fic gets deleted.

Often, fic gets deleted because some cruel, asshat troll made a rude remark about it.  (That can really be hurtful!)  Or an author gets fed up with fandom entirely and decides to leave.  Or an author re-reads a fic they wrote five years ago and decides it isn’t very good or they just don’t like it anymore.  Or an author finds themselves moving away from one fandom into another area and wants to stay current. Or… well, there are probably as many reasons as there are authors!

And I understand all of them.  I really do, and I would never presume to judge anyone who’s taken down their work.

Alternatives!!!!!!!

But there are alternatives!  Archive of Our Own allows authors who are having troll problems to screen comments. They also allow users to orphan works. (This and the “kudos” button are some of the best things Ao3 has ever done, IMHO!)  The link to the fic stays the same, but instead of saying “by FantasticAuthor”, it says “by orphan account,” and any link between the author and the fic is severed.  This lets writers distance themselves from work they may no longer want to claim, while still allowing the rest of fandom to enjoy it.

And that’s the thing – we do enjoy it!!  No matter how old it is, no matter what other jerks may have said, even no matter what the author themselves might think – someone loves it!!  And if it’s on one or more of our lists, that’s just a guarantee: at least one of us read it and loved it so much they took the time and trouble to add it to our rec blog.

Even if it’s not yet on our blog, we may just not have read it yet.  There is so much good fic out there I’ve been able to go four years in this fandom and I’m still not at a loss for new reading!

As for tumblr, leaving can be as easy as no longer posting anything.  Blogs don’t have to be deleted in their entirety.  This goes for most blogs, as a matter of fact – I can’t tell you how much fic I’ve read that’s only found on LiveJournal, and fandom left it years ago!

Even changing your tumblr name doesn’t have to break links or entail that the old account be deleted. I changed my name once, several years ago, and I just left my old blog where it is and used a small redirect script. No broken links!

So, in summary: please, find it in your heart to leave your fanfic with us unless you truly must delete it.

TL;DR: Please don’t delete your fanfic!  There are Other Ways!  We love all the stuff, and we love you!!

[irenesfemme-blog]

Hey everyone,

I joined a server centered around the Star Wars franchise in late 2018, and I was a moderator there for a significant amount of time. Tonight I left it. And I’d like to explain why, and where that leaves this blog, going forward.

First of all, I must ask that you do not reblog this post, and I’m really going to ask that you refrain from commenting on it as well. Honestly, I need to heal from this experience. It’s been actively harmful for me for weeks because it’s been such an incredibly toxic environment.

I do want to thank the people who reached out to me, however, during all of this. Who expressed that they wish that they had done more for me, stood up, said something. I don’t blame any of you. I completely understand not wanting to make yourself a target. I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best.

This blog, as well as REVANSFEMME and BINALAARA, are going on hiatus. I don’t know for how long. I’d like to feel okay enough to come back one day, but that remains to be seen. Until then, I’ll keep on keeping on.

Cheers, -- Irene.

Here’s my letter to the community: 

Hey guys,

The original discussion began when a conversation about biphobia, and transgender woman’s contribution to that conversation, was interrupted and derailed. And honestly, guys? No one involved in that interruption and derailing, when confronted with the fact that it was harmful and hurtful, asked if their fellow community members, and in particular the transgender woman who was interrupted, were okay. No one has expressed any acknowledgement or regret for having been a part of that. It’s been completely ignored in favor of airing other grievances. And that’s not fair in particular to the transgender woman who was interrupted, who brought up with the mods that she had been feeling uncomfortable in this server for a long time, and who helped me identify the rhetoric used as trans-exclusionary radical feminist. And this entire conversation about the things I’ve done has come about right after I took a stand, as a mod and as a friend, to support this transgender woman in our community. That timing has not escaped my notice.

I hear that a lot of you have felt guilty, alienated, or angry by me speaking about my experiences and discomforts as a bisexual woman. I haven't meant to make you feel this way; it hasn't been an agenda of mine. I am sorry for bringing you pain. But I am also hurt in turn because it feels like so many of these accusations are in bad faith at best. To be honest, if I had known that sharing my negative experiences as a bisexual woman would have contributed to the difficult climate of this server, I would have kept them to myself. And that’s what’s getting me here: I shared these because I felt safe with the people in this server. I shared these because I considered so many of you friends. And knowing that being silent would have made me less of a target is really painful.

The idea isn't that "discussing solidarity and struggles as lesbians reminds bisexual women of their struggles and difficulties they themselves face, some of them caused by lesbians and lesbian communities, and therefore these discussions shouldn't be held." It's that these discussions can co-exist. You're allowed to express solidarity and support as lesbians. But I'm also allowed to feel hurt and discouraged because so often I and other bi women are excluded from queer spaces in particular, or invalidated as people or as a community, and yes, sometimes this is done by lesbians. The latter conversation isn't a rebuke of the first. It's just a part of the ongoing series of dialogues in the queer community.

What’s particularly difficult about many of the complaints is that they express a standard I cannot meet. I spoke about my discomfort with a conversation in the channel that it was held in, indicating that it’s a good conversation but one that I feel I can’t be a part of because of my personal experience, and that was objected to. I moved to a separate channel to express my sorrow at the biphobia in this server and how it’s made me feel hurt and uncomfortable, with the intent of having a separate space where I could talk without disrupting another conversation, and that was objected to. I silently left a third conversation and brought up my point of view a while later, in a different channel, in a conversation about biphobia, and that’s been objected to. I’ve been told that when and how I’ve been talking about my experiences is a definite part of what’s making people feel guilty and targeted, but in literally every way I’ve tried to talk about biphobia, someone has objected. It’s a losing game: the only winning move is not to play at all.

And these individual experiences – where a bisexual woman’s voiced experiences and feelings are objectionable, derailing, unnecessary – parallel a larger theme in queer communities where bisexual women are told, explicitly and implicitly, that we aren’t welcome. That we take up space intended for the more valid, more queer, members of the community, just by being here, and being hurt, and giving voice to our struggles.

And the concept, reiterated over and over again, that my pain as a bisexual woman was intended to make lesbian women feel guilty feels to me like so, so much more than an assumption of bad faith. It feels like a deliberate act of willful misunderstanding. It feels like silencing through shaming.

And all of this is so much of the reasons why I and so many other bisexual people don’t feel comfortable in queer spaces. Our discussions about our struggles with gay and lesbian members of the queer communities are turned against us as proof that we are dangerous, that we are harmful, that we do not belong. I’ve seen it over and over in IRL spaces. I just didn’t want to see it here. And I really see no way how I could ever talk about my experiences as a bisexual woman in this server again with any degree of safety or assumption of solidarity.

And this isn’t even getting into the long, chastising private message I received from a community member not so long ago about my personal failures. That was … above and beyond.

I had a long conversation with my spouse about these events. He brought up that, paraphrased, “You do realize that these people berating you publicly for miscommunication, when you’ve stated before that you are on multiple spectrums, comes off to me, at least, as ableist?” And I don’t want to realize that. That makes this all feel so much more targeted and horrifying.

As I said at the very beginning of this server, and on my tumblr, and earlier today, I am on both the autistic and the schizophrenic spectrums. I have severe ASD symptoms and Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I have a really hard time reading social cues, situations, and tones, especially over the internet, and that's been a constant struggle in my life. But participating in discussions has always been hard for me, and it's been hard for people who don't know how to deal with my particular neuroatypicality. It’s a wholly foreign concept to me that any of you would have read my expressions of my own struggles and interpreted that as me setting out to make you feel guilty. I just … don’t understand. I never have. It’s why I’ve always asked people to please talk to me at the time of the miscommunication, because it’s almost impossible for me to judge how someone is going to emotionally respond to anything I say.

And that brings me to my last point: I’m leaving. I’m leaving this server, and I’m leaving tumblr, and I’m leaving the Star Wars fandom as a whole, for now at least. Lal’s mother is right when she said, "If you were getting paid for this job I'd tell you to quit and get another job.” This has been an impossible job for a number of reasons, and I’ve stuck around because I loved Lal and Io, and I wanted very much to help them and this community. I’ve been trying to do this work as a mod atop work managing hospice care for my terminally ill mother, the full-time work of running and maintaining a household, and my personal work as a writer. And the longer I spend in this community, the worse I feel. All of this feels … horrifying, in a very visceral and targeted sense.

I am sorry that many of you felt hurt by me. I truly have never meant to cause any of you harm. But that’s accompanied by a very real and very painful sense of being physically ill right now.

I’m going to close the religious server that I moderate. The dungeons & dragons one, and the writing and worldbuilding one, will both remain open, but I’m going to ask that no one bring any of this discussion to those spaces. That’s a boundary that I’m going to have to insist on at this juncture.

I guess I’d like to close by saying that I’m not angry. I’m really not. I just feel really, really sad. I’d like to believe that the timing of this is just unfortunate, that the implications of ableism are an accident, that the pervasive biphobia in this server has been rooted in ignorance and not malice. But after today’s discussion, honestly? I’d always wonder, and I’d never feel good here again.

There’s a line that’s been crossed here into the grounds of active cruelty. Lal’s been hurt, Io’s been hurt, and you guys have just kept going and going and going at these two, who have really tried their all for you. And as I said to Lal and Io earlier, on a personal note, dragging out my admissions of pain and hurt as "receipts" is the point where there's no going back for any relationship.  

And that’s the time to move on.

[aspiedistra]

I Am Autistic

I was intending to message @butterflyinthewell​ about this, after reading their responses to an anti self-dx post, but as it happens, my reaction felt too strong, too personal, and too emotional to put that all on one person. So instead I was going to reblog the post and add this on, but it spilled out of all control, and now what we have is an essay of my experiences, triggered by an anti post and a few throwaway comments that have created this. 

Let’s call it an open letter to anti-self-dxers. 

Upfront, I am saying all of this as a self-diagnosed person, but this is my perspective on this topic. Maybe some of you feel like I don’t have the right to weigh in on this topic, but this is my blog, and these are my feelings regardless. 

I have seen the support from autistic people with pro-dx who have stood up and supported people like me, and I want to thank them for it, I appreciate that deeply, I do. And I understand the weight and meaning that their voices carry, perhaps more than mine. But I also want to make my voice heard. Because I will not allow myself to be silenced on this matter any longer. I have done that for 22 long years, and I’m not doing it for another fucking second. 

I am autistic.

At first I was going to quibble, I was going to question, I was going to ask the permission of those who have a professional diagnosis if they believed I was allowed to say that. But, quite frankly, fuck that.

I will call myself autistic. I will say that I am autistic. I will tag posts upon my blog as ‘actuallyautistic’ because this is who I am.

It took a very long time for me along the path of self diagnosis to have the courage to say those words, even to myself. At first I whispered them in my mind, something that was just for me, that no-one else would ever hear of or know. And I felt guilty. I felt guilty, even after months and months of intense, detailed, continual, literally daily research, and 22 years of experience, I felt guilty even whispering those words to myself.

I do not feel that way any more. I can say those words to myself now and I do not feel guilty. Instead I feel proud. I feel comforted. I feel right. Because I finally understand myself. I finally know who I am, after 22 years of hiding it, of hiding from it. I know who I am. And I am autistic. I finally belong.

I have no words to explain that emotion. I cannot tell you how it felt. It was not a sudden lightbulb moment. Oh, in many ways it was. In many ways, from the moment I heard the word ‘autistic’ something snagged in the back of my mind. Something whispered of familiarity, of a community, of a place where I might be understood, accepted, where I might feel at last like I fit.

But I was denied that lightbulb moment, because of ideas like this. I rejected that community, I rejected that rightness that I felt in my soul because I felt I had to earn this. I had to earn what I am. I had to be sure, I had to be certain, I had to do things properly*.

And I did. I researched. I researched every day. I looked up lists of traits and symptoms. I dug inside my self, more deeply than I had ever done. I began to piece together my fragmented reflection and constructed it around these ideas, these fabulous ideas, these words I now had to explain my experiences.

Social deficits.

Sensory sensitivities.

Meltdowns.

Shutdowns.

Stimming.

Each one felt like a friendly little wave, a gentle pull towards a place that already knew me, even if I did not yet know it. 

I read blog post after blog post by autistic people. I crawled through their tags. I read question after question after question sent to wonderful ask blogs. I listened to those voices, and I heard echoes of them within myself. And for the first time I made sense. The world made sense. My entire life, that had always seemed just slightly wrong made sense. 

Yet still it took time. In my heart, I knew I was autistic. I knew it, but I still couldn’t say it, still couldn’t acknowledge it. It was a secret, now. My secret. A secret I intended to carry with me and never let anyone else see or know. 

But that damages a person. There are countless posts about how being a closeted queer person is damaging to that person, how it is not a positive experience, how it scrapes away at a little more of you each day. And it does, from my perspective on being a closeted queer person, it absolutely does. But so does this. 

I slowly began to make my voice heard. I dared to whisper the words aloud to myself. I dared to allow myself to reblog a few, very general, very subtle posts about autism, the kind that any socially conscious allistic blogger might reblog. I began to say the words a little more firmly to myself, and with each repetition, they felt more right. 

Finally, months after I had reached that internal, unassailable conclusion within my heart that I was autistic, I felt able to say it, to truly say it. I told the people closest to me, and while there have been some negative reactions, some cases I wish I had never entrusted them with this knowledge of me, in the most part, they reacted well, and each time they did I felt like crying with the relief. Each time I felt more free. I felt more like me. And it was wonderful. 

That was my journey to being able to say those three words. ‘I am autistic.’ They are all I have, right now. And they mean the world to me. 

I do not have access to a professional diagnosis at the moment, for many reasons, and may not have access to one in the near future, either. But from my perspective, I AM autistic. My ability to consult a doctor and have this put down on paper right now does not, cannot, fundamentally change who I am.  I was autistic when I was born. I was autistic all those years growing up where I fell through the cracks, where bias and prejudice and ableism meant I was missed. I was autistic all those years bullying and abuse suppressed those traits and forced me to hide who I am, to the point that even I didn’t recognise it. I was autistic all the long months I struggled with myself to find the courage to say those words: I am autistic. 

I am autistic now. I will be autistic tomorrow. I will be autistic every day of my life.

This will not change if I some day manage to see a doctor and have them confirm this to me. I will not suddenly become autistic on that day. The truth of that statement will not suddenly become real only upon that day when a professional nods in agreement with the words that I bring to them, the knowledge I have carried with me all my life: ‘I am autistic.’ 

Maybe I’ll receive hate for making this post. Maybe I’ll even deserve it. But I do not believe that anyone has the right to define my experiences, or to deny me the words and the courage to speak them that were kept from me for too long simply because a professional has given them a formal confirmation of their experiences. 

This is long, and messy, and emotional, but the bottom line is that I don’t think a professional’s opinion defines or creates a fact. I am autistic is a simple statement. It is either true, or it is not. I do think that I should consider myself ‘allistic until proven autistic by a doctor’ because that feels ridiculous to me. That feels like the lie I believed for more than two decades due to internalised abelism and various other insidious factors. So, now you know my feelings on the matter. 

*I don’t think I should have to add this, but just in case: I do not believe in on-the-spot diagnosis, either self or professional. Brains are complex things, and they require a good bit of digging around in to wring the truth from them. Research is absolutely necessary, fuck knows I did a lot of it while working things out. Which I feel like any person who has self diagnosed and says ‘I am autistic’ knows and has done. But I thought I should just put a little footnote in here just in case. 

[sapphicscholar]

Supergirl, the Bechdel Test, and Critiques of Critiques

Because asks–ranging from fans who have been made to feel guilty for not liking the current season of Supergirl, though many are still watching and hoping, to angry anons who cannot believe I would dare criticize any aspect of a show–keep popping up in my inbox, I’m addressing the issue once here and deleting all those asks clogging up my inbox (because dammit I like order, and my inbox no longer has it). So hold on tight (and ignore/don’t read if you don’t care…really fucking simple rule) while we hit a few of the points I see appearing over and over again on my dash and in my inbox.

First of all, regarding the post about the Bechdel Test (that I’m going to assume was written by someone with the best of intentions and has been misappropriated to yell at other fans and tell them they’re wrong–blanket statement, no wiggle room). Yes, the scene did end up passing the Bechdel test, but that original post to which you refer was written and reblogged by most folks before the episode ever aired, making it an accurate enough assessment with the limited knowledge we had. The fact remains that the way the episode/that scene was marketed and promoted did not pass the test, and that says a lot about the kind of audience they’re hoping to attract (if you don’t believe me, feel free to go read the research about marketing). 

Furthermore, please dear god stop talking about how you know the rules better than anyone else because once upon a time your Intro to Women and Gender Studies professor gave them to you or mentioned them in passing. Bechdel herself has written about sometimes wishing she wasn’t associated with that test (not that she often is these days, just her last name…) because it sets such a fucking low bar, gets plucked out of context, and held up as some gold standard for representation without any thought about the woman who created it, the context of its creation, and the motivation behind it. (Also, if you’re not going to read the blog post by Bechdel that I linked to, just know that the test is inspired, in many ways, by Chapter 5 of Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own on a chapter that talks about the invisibility of lesbian representation, and Woolf’s work as a whole is all about criticizing the “Angel in the House” and men’s writing for reducing women’s lives to their attachments to men, children, and families, which is literally what that scene is Supergirl does.) And I’m so tired of seeing straight feminists reblogging these posts calling LGBTQ fans of the show anti-feminist for daring to complain about it because this test does not belong only to you, and it is the brainchild of an early-twentieth-century bisexual and a group of self-identified “dykes” from the 1970s and 1980s who wanted to talk about why the state of current media (both the novels of Woolf’s time and the movies of Bechdel and co’s time) failed them as women whose concerns weren’t tied to traditional narratives of what a woman’s life looked like (marriage to a man, followed by children). 

The Bechdel test as we know it today comes from a niche comic strip, Dykes to Watch Out For, which documented the lives of queer women (primarily) from the 1980s through the Bush era and the struggles day-to-day life during that time period entailed, and that context gets ignored far more than your precious rules. And yes, the test (though god that word is infuriating because it implies the same sort of inflexibility that is already rampant in fandom and internet culture) is about movies as a whole (so by your own logic, we shouldn’t even go near a TV show with it), but it’s not incorrect to talk about a scene passing or not passing it, nor is it wrong to use the test as a kind of signpost or easily recognizable language with which to discuss the shortcomings of a given scene (if you want to know more, and I mean this quite earnestly, not to be a jackass, go read linguistic, structuralist, and poststructuralist theorists and find out all about signifiers, then come back when you realize that the meaning of words and phrases isn’t confined to the letters on the page, but encompasses all of the cultural signifiers to which they are tied, which is actually what makes so much of communication as we know it possible).

To insist that fans cannot be upset because a scene featured 5 whole women together and that’s “unheard of” in television forces us to settle, forces us to praise a scene that’s setting up the poorly written demise of a couple that many of us showed up for, upped Supergirl’s ratings and viewing numbers for, because we saw a woman whose journey toward self-realization, acceptance, and actualization looked like ours, found in Sanvers a couple whose story wasn’t perfect but felt realistic in a way many same-sex relationships on television still don’t. And yes, I’m calling this breakup poorly written. As I’ve written before, yes, not having the same idea about what your family should look like is a good reason to end a relationship. Not having had that conversation months into a fucking engagement when both participants in the relationship are adults who have been shown learning about how important communication is and recognizing why it’s a bad idea to make assumptions about what partners want and who apparently have incredibly strong opinions on the matter is beyond unrealistic. And for a show to know that they’re going to break up a couple after just a few episodes makes featuring the proposal and demanding praise for “groundbreaking” television irresponsible marketing–it sets fans up to be disappointed and disillusioned. (And now, because they’ve written Maggie’s absence as this kind of a breakup, rather than the myriad other ways they could have done it, if they do want to bring Maggie back, it’ll be far more difficult and will entail a fundamental reevaluation of what either Alex or Maggie wants in life, which we likely wouldn’t get to see depicted at length or in any kind of realistic way.) 

I’ve seen so many posts criticizing those who have critiqued the show and insisting that they clearly haven’t watched the show or that they ignore all the good it has done. Does that kind of post exist? Yeah, of course it does. It’s the Internet/fandom/Tumblr; there’s anything you can think of here. But these posts demanding appreciation for the show reek of the attitude that has, for decades, told LGBTQ people to sit down, shut up, and be grateful for what we’re given. Shows don’t have to listen to our critiques (and I’m not here defending folks who get violent or spout vitriol directly to the actors who cannot control their storylines, though let’s remember those folks exist on both sides of the issue), but to try to tamp down the rights of fans to be upset and express that frustration is, to be quite frank, embarrassing to see in 2017 from self-ordained progressives. 

I’m still here and watching and producing content that I like to think does right by the show Supergirl could have been (and may well become again), to the kind of nuanced, complex characters and storylines the first season and writers like Ali Adler gave us. But don’t tell me I have to like every second of it. Don’t tell me that I’m not allowed to feel misled by a show that created an endgame narrative for a couple only to break them up in such a way that the reconciliation they continue to lure in front of us as a possibility is nearly impossible (or, at the best, decidedly unrealistic). Don’t tell me that I should accept the flirty subtext between Kara and Lena or a one-off hook up between Alex and Sara that will never hold the same potential for representation as a multi-season lesbian relationship as “equal to” or possible of making up for the loss of Sanvers. And most importantly, don’t ever tell me to shut up when your username includes the words “white” and “conservative” because, oh, honey, nothing gets a liberal academic going quite like the possibility of showing you just how little power you truly have.

[apagansjourney]

Welcome to my blog.

Hello! I’m starting anew. I’ve been around tumblr off and on for years now. I just had to delete all my old ones, as none of them were working for various reasons. You may remember me as lilredridingbook, or apagansjourney from a few years back. I decided to keep the name as it’s fitting! I tried this blog under octopodoccultist, but a dear friend told me it sounded too villianous to be taken seriously. I agree. 

So, for those that don’t know me - and a refresher for those who do remember - I’m living in Winnipeg, Manitoba. I used to work at Wal-Mart, but five months ago I graduated to become a Health Care Aide! I’ve been working four months now, and I love it. I work in a long term care facility, and it’s brilliant. I enjoy all my residents, and helping them. I’m very passionate about the elderly. I don’t think they get the recognition they deserve. I adore them, I truly do!

As the blog name suggests, I’m on a journey of the pagan persuasion. I’ve always been pagan, before I knew there were real witches! It started in the 90′s, when the New Age movement hit. I was absorbed with all things crystal, and coveted my amethysts that were always gifted to me by family. (Being a February baby, it’s my birthstone. I’m also a Pisces.) 

I was fifteen or sixteen when I was browsing Chapters, looking in the New Age section, debating on what to buy. I was gobsmacked when I came across the now famous (and controversial) Teen Witch by Silver Ravenclaw. I bought that book so fast, and devoured it over and over again. 

Ahhh, yes. The idiocy of youth, right? I’d stare at the cover for hours, imagining power that I would obtain through the book. The usual crap that teens dredge up after watching The Craft too many times. It took me years to realize Hollywood magic and real magic are two separate entities! After that, I really started to live the pagan lifestyle, not by conscious choice. I wore the ‘witchy’ clothes - long flowing hippie skirts, and peasant tops. I started taking more interest in the environment, speaking up for animal rights, trying to be a better person. I was enamoured with all things occult. I slowly grew out of the New Age phase, and more into Witch Age. If that’s a thing ... 

It wasn’t until my early thirties, where I was able to find a teaching circle, in Calgary, Alberta, where I was able to really delve deep into becoming a pagan. After nearly two years of lessons, lessons that I absolutely loved, lessons where I shared energy, and light and love, lesson that had me leading huge rituals with up to fifty people!!!, I had a huge faith of crisis and withdrew into myself. 

This was five or six years ago. I’m now living with my parents, where I’m really  not allowed to practice, leaving me feeling left in the dark, and abandoned from the connection I had steadily built prior. The last few months, I’ve had this insane pull to start up again. I really miss my community, my connection, my feeling of utter belonging. I’m hoping that by utilizing this blog, I’ll be able to gain some of that back. 

I went to a workshop the other week, lead by someone I really admire who owns a shop. I’m frothing at the mouth for more, but am patient until the next one, and have in the meantime looked up some resources to read to tide me over. 

So, I decided to start a tumblr, yet again!, to chronicle my path and my way. I’ll be posting my own spells, rituals, and findings, along with reblogs. This will be my online grimoire, and book of shadows, so to speak. 

[cartoonbeatleskilledme]

Hello I'm new to this whole lore thing and it looks REALLY confusing, can you give me a summary of what's happened?

aLRIGHT lads strap in cos this is gonna be long as shit. before i get into this i want to give a disclaimer, theres a 100% chance i’m going to miss at least one thing and i can’t give you a definitive timeline, so i encourage other people to reblog this and add anything i’ve forgotten/overlooked. im gonna put this under a read more, cos like i said, this is gonna be long

so the name “beatles cartoon lore” popped up a little bit after everything started - it was either an anon (as i remember getting an anon using the phrase for the first time that i personally saw it) or @icasms​ used it first, as they’ve stated such. either way, the actual storyline starts before that point. I am 99% sure @beebleborps​ is the root cause of all this, and I wasn’t actually there for the very start, but I was there before everything exploded. I’m not sure exactly what happened before I dove headfirst into the void, but I know that the castle from the first episode was already the main scene, and that Beebs had already been dragged into the cartoon beatles’ universe, was forced into occupying dead George’s body and became a vampire during the process. You see, at the end of the very first episode, the Beatles all die, for no reason. So at this point, there were four ghost Beatles, four dead Beatle bodies, and the characters in play at this point were Beebs, @beatles-fan-13​ , and possibly others. I’m not sure, but I know there were far fewer cartoon beatles blogs back then, and most of them weren’t part of this (at the time) little storyline.

still pre-lore, I made my blog and beeble sent me an ask on how i’d died (see my username for reference) and I detailed that I’d been brought to the cartoon beatles universe by force, had witnessed the cartoon beatles’ final form, and that they’d killed me for it by inviting me to a concert, bringing me backstage, and dismembering me using George’s chin like a knife. Since there were mainly the ghost beatles at this point, that brought more attention to a second set of Living Beatles that were in the castle, which were also keeping beatles-fan-13 stuck in the dungeon. So right now, as far as I remember, it was me, them, and Beeble in the storyline, with two sets of Beatles - ghost Beatles and living, second generation Beatles. These aren’t the Eldritch Beatles, but are instead basically the same characters from the cartoon post episode 1, but crueler. A lot of the characterisation and early inspiration comes from @wtfbeatlescartoon​ , who often points out how needlessly cruel a lot of the Beatles are in the episodes. The lore has mostly spun away into its own beast at this point though. 

so pretty soon after I made my blog, like within a few days, other beatles cartoon blogs began popping up to join in on the fun. around this same time, i’m fairly sure @spookycryptidgeorge​ aka Grey began to get in on the story, and that’s when I got the ask/icasms coined the phrase, “beatles cartoon lore”. (In case you are curious, here is the ask, dated July 8th) Now around here I’m likely going to become more of an unreliable narrator, because a lot of things were happening at once. @cursedbeatlescartoon​ and @crypticbeatlescartoon​ came into inception, with the latter joining the madness of the story, and not long after that, @vampiregeorgeharrison​ and @eldritchgeorgeharrison​ appeared and the eldritch beatles became part of the story. It was also around this time that everything started to get more crazy and everyone was becoming a cryptid/inhuman/etc. The main players at this point that were making most of the threads were me, Grey, George, and Beeble, but the others were also contributing, and I might have missed some other story points.

The story so far here was that it started with Beeble (?) when he was transported to the Transylvanian castle in the first episode by the ghost Beatles, also known as the original Beatles. They were trying to recruit him to join the band, and George was trying to teach him the guitar, but Beebs refused cos they were forcing him into it. Eventually, George shoved Beeble’s ghost into his dead body (the other corpses are still in the same place and haven’t decayed at all) which caused him to forcibly possess George’s corpse, which also became vampiric, probably because he was dead for so long. Beatles-fan-13 was brought to the castle somehow and ended up trapped in the dungeon, was subjected to experimentation, and Beebs was trying to get them back when I became part of the story. I was a ghost which, story-wise, had been wandering the castle, but was mostly tethered to the Beatles and couldn’t go far. I met Beeble first, I believe, and relayed my story, as well as the fact that the second generation Beatles had tethered my spirit to them so that I would preform menial tasks for them, and that one of the experimentation processes they had people undergo was cartoonisation, and that they’d done as such to me, which was a process that allowed someone from outside of the cartoon beatles universe to assume a cartoon form in their universe and switch out of it when leaving. (it was later discovered that only I would need to go through this process, since it was not a Roger Rabbit situation and everyone else turned into a cartoon automatically. I was a special case because of what species I am, which was not known at this point and assumed to be human) Most of our time was spent trying to find the dungeons and get beatles-fan-13 out of there, and at some point they’d stolen some of Beeble’s blood and given it to beatles-fan-13? I’m not entirely clear on if that worked, but I know soon after they became a ghost and now reside in Beeble’s tophat.

When Eldritch George appeared, we all learned that there were an even higher class of beatles, and the second generation beatles were more or less pushed to the side story-wise. The most powerful beatles are the True/Eldritch Beatles, but there were only two True Beatles - John and Paul. They had converted Eldritch George and an (unseen) Eldritch Ringo to become like them, but they weren’t truly like them, which was why they were defecting. the True Beatles were waiting for True George and True Ringo, who at this point have not shown up yet. Soon after Eldritch George appeared, @eldritchpaulmccartney​ , the first True Beatle, came into existence and began to pull the strings. Nobody’s sure exactly what their plan is, but Paul (typically referred to as Luap so as not to “summon” him, in a voldemort-esque situation) revealed that most of the people in the story aren’t human. Me, Serena, was never human to begin with and is instead some sort of powerful being called a Star Child, but events I’m not aware of resulted in me losing my memory and assuming that I was a human. I’m not even actually a ghost, but assume the form and abilities of a ghost because I thought I was dead. Grey was human at some point I believe, but they became corrupted by the True Beatles and the Cartoon Beatles Universe itself, which slowly corrupts anyone who doesn’t belong. Grey has mostly unseen powers/abilities, and so far, True Paul has let slip that he and True John need me and Grey for some sort of ultimate plan because of the power output we can give.Vampire George (separate from Beeble, who is also, somewhat confusingly, a vampiric George in appearance) is typically seen doing True Paul’s bidding and trying to find the full extent of Grey’s abilities and keep me/Serena in check.

Other parts of the story that didn’t really fit into that summary are that icasms can be possessed by a John, not sure which, and she stays away from the castle for that exact purpose. There’s some sort of rune on her arm(?) that allows John to possess her more easily, and keeps other ghosts/beings from being able to take her over. Beeble, after a while of keeping in George’s body, became unstable, and Eldritch George “fixed” this by merging Beeble with George’s ghost, so now only three ghost Beatles roam the castle. Ghost Paul typically hangs around Beeble and will sometimes possess him in order to get attention, though i’m not sure if there are any other reasons for this. More recently, @elemental-icee-cattt​ , some sort of doctor who may or may not be from the cartoon beatles’ universe itself showed up and has been helping keep Grey and me from basically dying, since certain events (like Grey somehow becoming irradiated after being possessed by Vampire George and Eldritch George letting me/Serena read from the book on Star Children in the Eldritch Library) almost led to our deaths and, due to our abilities, possibly the destruction of the castle and/or universe. 

NOW, that’s the story part of the Lore. The other half of the Lore has to do with the Cryptids, which are born from finding screenshots where the animators fucked up and everyone spins a story from it. I already made a post on the origin of the First Cryptid, Glitch John, and there’s a whole blog dedicated to the cryptids that’ll tell you their history, @glitch-john-and-friemds​ . At the mo, there’s Glitch John, Glitch Paul, Glow George, Octoringo, Eyeless John, Supereye John, and I’m sure there are others I’m missing. People who contribute to this part of the lore include @abandonedstage , @404bot , @lenshitposting , @beatles-cartoon-analysis , @constantcascades , @ringodidnothingwrongo , @foolishgrippy , @agesnotyetwritten and anyone else who produces art and fics for it, as I’m sure I’m missing people and I’m sorry if I missed you!!! If you’re curious, yes, the cryptids ARE technically part of the lore story, but none of them have really appeared (aside from a few asks from Glow George) so they don’t play much of a main part.

SO that is a Quick and Probably Incomplete summary of The Lore, and it’s really long but here it is and I hope you can understand it! if i’ve missed anything, again, feel free to reblog this post and add things, and if you have any further questions, just ask beeble or anyone else you see contributing a lot!!! :::)

[mamaredd123]

Welcome to Mama’s 100 Quotes of Supernatural Challenge!!!

Wow! I am truly amazed at all of you wonderful people in Tumblr land. After 1 year on here I have 2000 followers!!!! (OK, so I know my blog is not a big ole bomb of excitement the majority of time but I am still tickled pink!)

So to celebrate my 1 year blog anniversary, I am going to do a 2-part thing. I put a poll out a few weeks ago to see what all of you would like and the 2 popular responses were a challenge and for me to do some more blog promo’s. You asked so shall you receive!!

I have searched and searched for some of the most memorable, funniest, best quotes from our beloved characters of Supernatural. Below the cut you will find the list. I have tried to include at least 1 quote from just about everyone (well, from a whole bunch of them anyways) but the majority of the quotes do belong to our sexy Dean, Sam, and Castiel! So keep on reading to see the list and the rules for this challenge!!

(And feel free to hop on over to my other part of this challenge, Mama’s “Spread The Love” Blog Promo’s and shoot me some suggestions!)

I have to give a HHUUUGGGEEEEE shout out to @atc74 for her help with my challenge image and for her assistance with some of these quotes!!!! Couldn’t have done this without you!

The rules are about as basic and easy as I can make them:

*This is a follower celebration so obviously, I would need you to be following me. However, if you have stumbled upon this challenge and would like to join, it is so super easy…. Just go click that follow button up there on the right!

*I need you to send me an Ask with your 1st and 2nd choice of quotes. It will be first come, first serve. BUT if by some holy miracle all 100 get taken, I am sure I can come up with some more to add to this list. AND you can chose up to 3 quotes if you would like to work ALL THREE into one story. (As a side note, if after a week I still have a ton of quotes not chosen, I will modify the challenge a little and allow you to send in your choice of quote/character)

*As for you fic, just keep it in the SPN fandom and make sure to highlight your quote(s) wherever you place it in the story. Just in case there is any confusion, the person you chose a quote from does NOT have to be the main character in your fic. For example, you may just really like a particular quote listed here from, say Balthazar, but you have a Dean x Reader fic in mind. That’s perfectly fine. Just make sure to have Balthazar in your story (with the quote) somewhere.

*This challenge is open to any and all ships and genres. I want y’all to write whatever inspires you when you see the quote of your choice.

*As usual, drabbles all the way to series are welcome. Just remember, anything over 500 words, add the KEEP READING line or, and I’m sorry, but I won’t reblog it. We all need to do our part not to overcrowd everyone’s dashboards.

*Deadline will be September 30th. I am giving everyone 2 months to do this. Beginning in Sept, I will occasionally start posting reminder posts to try to help everyone remember about their challenge deadline. I am well aware how we all take on a little too much sometimes and things get lost in the shuffle.

*When you get ready to post, make sure to tag me in your A/N and use the #mama’s100quoteschallenge in your tags. As usual, if I haven’t liked/reblogged within a day or two, please feel free to shoot me a message and let me know you posted it. I truly do try to go through all my notification everyday, but, well, you know, life gets in the way of all the fun things sometimes.

Ok, that’s it. Easy peasy, right? Well you made it this far with me so come a little further and read the quotes, pick your favorite, and send me your Ask! Most importantly, enjoy yourself and have fun writing your next masterpiece!!

1. I wanna punch something in the face. (Sam)   @destiel-addict-forever 2. Straight “Shawshank” this bitch!  (Dean)    @myloveforyouxx 3. I may be many things, but I’m not stupid. (Mr. Ketch)   @capsheadquaters 4. I gave everything for you! And this is what you give me?! (Cas) 5. I kinda always wanted to punch the devil in the face. (Mary)   @justanotherdeangirl 6. This is what you do when I'm not here. Type? (Crowley)  @percussiongirl2017 7. And after awhile... that starts to weigh on you. (Benny) 8. I am not someone that you should put your faith in. (Castiel) 9. I believe you're drawn to danger. (Mr. Ketch)    @uniquewerewolfsuit 10. Dude, don't compliment the bad guys. (Dean)   @docharleythegeekqueen 11. Things are not just black and white out here. (Dean) 12. I’m still gonna peel off your skin and eat your soul. (Lucifer) 13. It's your professionalism that I respect.  (Alastair) 14. We'll just tie up the bonny lad. Could be fun. (Rowena) 15. You idiots. You’re all going to die. (Crowley) 16. Things like “cosmic consequences” have a habit of biting us in the ass. (Dean)     @maximumkillshot 17. If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know. (Castiel)   @skyedoes-things 18. I am doing all I can, to slightly lessen the spread of... of genital herpes. (Sam)   @samwinjarpad 19. Okay if you don't like, uh, reckless I could use insouciant maybe? (Cas)   @beccafgs 20. You've just been Garth-ed. (Garth)    @wayward-mirage 21. Weird, creepy, off-the-grid "Children of the Corn" people? Yeah, I’m in. (Dean)    @deanandsamsbitch 22. For me, having you here, it fills in the biggest blank. (Sam) @sea040561 23. I want to stop losing people we love (John) 24. Damn right, REO. Kevin Cronin sings from the heart! (Jo) 25. Yeah, and Hannibal Lecter's a good psychiatrist. (Ellen)     @maximumkillshot 26. Don’t make things needlessly complicated as you humans tend to do. (Castiel)    @sea040561 27. I’ve been tortured by the devil himself so you, you’re just an accent in a pantsuit. What can you do to me? (Sam) 28. I don't think you can handle my rod. (Crowley)   @roxy-davenport 29. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I’ve ever seen. (Lisa) 30. Your unclean… in the biblical sense. (Billie) 31. I'm tired Sam. I'm tired of this job...this life. This weight on my shoulders. Man I'm tired of it. (Dean)     @deanandsamsbitch 32. I told you that roadhouse chili was a bad idea. (Sam) 33. You can't save everyone. (Rufus) 34. You're like a walking encyclopedia of weirdness. (Dean)    @skyedoes-things 35. I'm worried about my boys. (Bobby) 36. As long as everyone wears a condom we'll be fine. (Jody)     @queencflair 37. I don’t sweat under any circumstances. (Castiel)    @beccafgs 38. I suggest we imbibe copious quantities of alcohol... just wait for the inevitable blast wave. (Cas) 39. Get the hell out of hell. (Crowley) 40. I mean, clearly, I have a type, but no, thank you, ma'am. Won't be once bitten, twice Doug'd. (Donna)

41. We talking misdemeanor kind of trouble? Or, uh…’squeal like a pig’s kind of trouble? (Dean)   @maximumkillshot 42. Do you have any idea how much stuff I had to steal, then pawn, to pay for that? (Metatron) 43. Fatherhood changes a man. (Crowley)    @roxy-davenport 44. I lie. I don't get lied to. (Benny)    @docharleythegeekqueen 45. We’re far from perfect. But we are good. (Sam)   @impalaimagining 46. I'm not a witch. I'm a nerd. (Charlie)   @wi-deangirl77 47. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. (Bobby) 48. Kick it in the ass. (Bobby) 49. Wanna try that again like you mean it? (Sam)    @atc74 50. Maybe one day. But today you're my little bitch. (Cas) 51. You got me here now.  (Benny) 52. You Winchester boys and your talk. Blah blah blah repressed feelings. Blah blah blah passive aggression. (Charlie) 53. Come on in darling, the water's warm. (Sam)   @impalaimagining 54. I’ll give you a pass on account of the whole ‘raised by monsters’ thing. (Jody) 55. Why not go get washed up for the orgy?... All is so beautiful. (Cas) 56. You mean 'protection against a demon' salt or 'oops I split the popcorn' salt? (Dean) 57. But for your own good I strongly suggest you get a life. (Chuck) 58. You can't take the trick out of the trickster. (Gabriel)   @wideawakeandwriting 59. Is there such thing as a monster magnet? (Charlie) 60. I lied. I do that. (Crowley)    @winsister91 61. Please, accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity. (Cas) 62. You realize I'm not asking. (Benny) 63. Your password is "winning" with two "1's"? Fail. (Charlie) 64. Everything is supposed to end. (Dean)   @captainemwinchester 65. I will not apologize for being a career woman. (Rowena) 66. So which one are you? Grumpy, Sleepy, or Douchy? (Sam) 67. It's just.. I just want this over. (John) 68. You look like you got attacked by some PCP crazed strippers. (Dean) 69. You know, you pitched this whole dewy-eyed bromance thing, but the truth is, I'm on lockdown, aren't I? (Adam) 70. You boys have serious abandonment issues, don't you? (Meg) 71. Where'd you get the holy oil? (Gabriel) 72. Yeah well, there's one thing you have that he didn't. You're a Winchester. I forgive you Dean. (Charlie) 73. You fudging touch me again, I'll fudging kill you! (Dean)  @captainemwinchester 74. I got your message. It was long your message. I find the sound of your voice grating. (Cas) 75. I should be asking you the same thing. (Ruby) 76. You don't know me. You never did, and you never will. (Sam) 77. Did someone slip a mickey in your power shake? (Gabriel) 78. No doubt - endings are hard. But then again... nothing ever really ends, does it? (Chuck)     @hannahindie 79. Sorry you have me confused with that other angel. You know the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you. (Balthazar)     @skyedoes-things 80. Shouldn't trust run both ways? (Castiel) 81. Unleash the Kraken. See you tomorrow morning. (Sam)   @4401lnc 82. I don't usually drink beer. It messes with my depth perception especially when I'm skinny dipping. (Garth) 83. No. Sweetheart, if this is our last night on earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self-respect. (Jo) 84. I think you're a hero. (Rowena) 85. I can't live in the desert. I'm applying to Princeton. (Kevin) 86. This is my voicemail, make your voice … a mail. (Castiel)   @goofynerd-67babylove 87. You give a girl all sorts of nasty ideas. (Abaddon)   @lucilepiewhiskey 88. Was that your Batman voice? (Charlie) 89. Your life is one big poop storm isn't it? (Donna) 90. I guess because every woman I've ever had relations with... it hasn't ended well. (Sam)     @goldenolaf25 91. Dragons? Those are a thing? (Jody) 92. We’ll always be bound. You helped me. We will always help each other. (Amara) 93. Wait a second. Did he drunk dial you? (Sam)   @mrsbatesmotel53 94. I'm a man of my word. (Dean)   @deanwinchester-smut 95. I mean nothing ever really gets deleted from the Internet. (Sam) 96. This is a den of iniquity. I should not be here. (Castiel)   @thecuriouscrusader 97. Dude, she wants me to meet her parents. I don't do parents. (Dean) 98. Wow. I must be the star of this thing. (Sam)   @melbelle45 99. I’ve never seen so much porn. (Chuck)     @winsister91 100. Well, call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless they're talkin' about their own family. (Dean)   @chaos-and-the-calm67

Tagging any and everyone I can think of cause I’m just so excited about reaching 2K!!!!

@megansescape @madamelibrarian @chelsea072498 @jayankles @feelmyroarrrr @docharleythegeekqueen @crowleysdemonknight @motleymoose @sumara62 @mrstheorossix3 @evansrogerskitten @waywardjoy   @dwaynii @jensen-jarpad   @deathtonormalcy56 @ruprecht0420 @charliebradbury1104 @relmi-llorrac @wonderange @sandlee44 @tom-is-in-my-tardis @kmb99t @summer-binging-spn @posiemax @ohmychuckitssamanddean @thedevilinthedetails @bohowitch @tmccarney @dragon-tail @suli155 @mrsbatesmotel53 @petrovadixon @thewalkingmombie @mogaruke @spontaneousam @uniquewerewolfsuit @firstlady36 @goldenolaf25 @lunarsaturn88 @spn-hetalian-from-hogwarts @carribear31  @captainemwinchester’ @babypieandwhiskey @impala-dreamer @frenchybell  @idreamofhazel @nichelle-my-belle @moonlitskinwalker @redlipstickandplaid @taste-of-dean @avasmommy224 @you-are-not-in-my-contacts-list  @p-b-and-cas @supernatural-jackles @treasurecastiel @calicat79 @beccafgs @mysteriouslyme81 @chaos-and-the-calm67 @sis-tafics @benjerry707 @impalaimagining @sdavid09 @meganlpie @whispersandwhiskerburn @authoressskr @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @beccatigger @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @buckysmetallicstump @breeannhausler @sazrahlovesbooks @unfortunately-a @clinicalkayla @maddieburcham1 @ilostmyshoe-79 @roxy-davenport @eve05glee @jensenacklesfuckmeyes @ladyxdezi @catackles16 @wi-deangirl77 @dang-meddling-winchesters   @donnaintx @jdhillons @tiffanycaruso @pureawesomeness001 @notateenbeachmovie @deanlovespiebabyandmeloljkiwish @omgspnfanfiction @leonepanda @grimes-ft-winchester @thatshellfiredean @deanandsamsbitch @straitsupernaturalmalefan @farewell--sanity @lauramerrell1 @trustnobodyshootfirst @doro7winchester @mariairwin666 @tankcupcakes @atc74  @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @iwantthedean @paintrider13-blog @d-s-winchester @death2thevirgin @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @ellen-reincarnated1967 @just-another-busy-fangirl @waywardjoy @winchesterprincessbride @sea040561 @my-favorite-fanfiction67 @watercolor31 @nichelle-my-belle @kittenofdoomage @clairese1980 @shamelesslydean @dean-winchester69 @disconnectedartist @destiel-addict-forever @samwinlover @capsheadquaters @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels  @not-moose-one-shots @notnaturalanahi @hopeewilsonn @fanfreak07 @juanitadiann @captainemwinchester @imgetting2old4diss @hollygopossum @impalapiegirl67 @percussiongirl2017 @kael-the-author

[flyingcatstiel]

Hey I'm the anon who used the phrase "positive about cas's death" and uh, I probably should've explained better. I've been a fan approx. two years, I am not very good at analysis, and I don't claim to be reasonable about where the character arcs will actually go. I am positive about cas's death because I see that it is an opportunity (not saying they will take it!!!) for cas to confront himself and maybe, maybe really figureout where he belongs and who he is, truly. Outside of influences

Same anon pt 2) also, your response was a bit hurtful to me because I am over sensitive! My own issues make me feel very insecure when people, especially people who like the same things I do with the same amount of passion, have wildly contrasting opinions. It was unfair for me to pin that on you. This is stupid, it just honestly felt like I couldn’t love cas ~enough~ if I didn’t feel the same way about what his death will mean.

(Same anon pt 3) forgive me if this is annoying, asking three questions in a row lmao. I just want to clarify that I am also sad and mad about cas’s death and I’m not trying to suggest that you shouldn’t express that. This is your space to speak your feelings abt spn just as much as it is mine. However, it’s frustrating to see this kind of conflict, especially when it deals with how much somebody loves a character Bc that often isn’t the most straightforward thing to tell abt someone. Thanks

Thank you for coming back! 

Well, see, we are looking at Cas’ death from different angles. Now, after 12x23, I agree with you that (hopefully) Cas death will bring some positive changes to him as a character and won’t be used solely for the purpose of keeping Cas away from the main plot.(Lol, new spoilers came out today) This is how we reason after the fact and when we know that Cas is coming back. 

But we have been here before, you know? He had died already 4 times. Cas was mind controlled (s8), human (s9), seriously sick (s10), depressed (s11), suicidal (S12). Every single time Cas’ fans hoped to get some kind of resolution to his issues, and all we got was 12x23. When I say that I’m not positive about Cas death, I mean it was not necessary for him to achieve some change. I look at everything that happened to him before and don’t trust the show to do better this time. And talking about the opportunity for Cas to confront himself - it could have been done in any other way? Without killing Cas and plunging his fans in 5 month of sadness and possibly more Cas less episodes of s13. 

Imagine if after 12x12 when Cas almost died there’s an episode with Cas in the bunker, the Winchesters being nice to him. Then, one day, suddenly there’s a some magic thingy and the Winchesters are frozen in time - Dean while watching porn, Sam Skyping to Eileen, Mary with a cup of coffee and typing report to BMOL. Only Cas can move around, so he switches of Dean’s porn to save him money, tries to calm down Eileen, reads Mary’s report to BMOL. Then Cas confronts whatever magic there’s was, gets help from Eileen (more ASL on the show!). During this case Cas is alone, and scared, and confronting his deepest fears. Maybe he is offered something that is hard to refuse. Maybe he’s showed a future that looks terrible. All I’m saying is, IF the show wanted to explore Cas’ state of mind, it could be done in many ways without killing him. Instead, it seams that we will be getting some scenes of Cas in other realm while Dean makes PB&J for Jack. 

As a fan, I’m allowed to criticize the show even when there are fans who think that everything is great. SPN is originally scripted show, they’re not bound by a book like Game of Throne or say True Blood. And even in those cases, if the show hit jackpot with perfect actor for the role, they kept the character instead of killing him like in the book (Lafayette in True Blood). So, when TPTB say that their original character Cas is great but too powerful to be involved in more eps, they’re lying liars who lie. Cas has been human, sick, seriously damaged and he was kept away from the main story every time. The show writers have full control over Cas’ power levels and it is up to them to keep him in the story or to chuck him away. This is why I think Cas’ death happened for the convenience of the show and not Cas’ personal story. 

Speaking about being positive about Cas death. I think the divide is among fans who have been in fandom longer and have their hopes crushed every season, and more recent fans like you, who still have hope that Cas will be treated right by the show. And you know what? You may be right! If the show ends soon, they may give Cas something nice. Maybe a friend in other realm?

Anon, I understand that you’re over sensitive! So am I, and many other fans. The best cure is to keep talking to each other. And I absolutely understand what you mean by wishing that all people who love Cas could also have the same opinions about him. I was in your shoes when I was new to fandom! I thought that all destiel shippers want the same because we agreed on so many things. With time, I’ve came to realize that that is not the case. It’s a learning curve, my dear anon. Every year, with each new season I found out that some of my favorite blogs didn’t react to major Cas’ scenes the same way I do. It always hurt. Every time I felt that I went deeper and deeper into a bitter Cas girl territory. And even here, a lot of Cas’ fans have wildly different opinions about Cas as a character! Even now, my closest friends and bitter Cas fans just like me can have wildly different opinions about angel Cas vs human Cas, bamf Cas or softer Cas, top or bottom Cas. The key here is to respect your friends and not talk to them about issues you disagree with. 

Our love of Cas does not depend on agreeing on everything. 

/I reblogged Cas’ death positive meta just before this post, check it out!/

[animus-wild-magic]

Let’s get naked: failure and shame in art

We’ve talked previously about the power and pain of feeling vulnerable, but today I want to invite you to not only allow yourself to see and think about your vulnerability as an artist, but to share it. I invite you to undress whatever embarrassment or shame you might have over a failed project, an ignored campaign, a story nobody liked.

First and foremost, I think it’s worth to address the fact that we might not see a lot of those stories in the art community, and in general we humans don’t really enjoy sharing our stumbles and falls, mostly because we feel embarrassed by those episodes, demotivated by those failures, and it can be truly hard for us to expose ourselves like this. So why should we? My personal answer is: the more you share about your struggles with honesty and compassion, the less alone other artists and creatives will feel, by knowing you’ve been through something similar. More than that: you are here, which means you were not defeated by those failures, and that is inspiring to know too. 

Another thing about sharing is that it doesn’t only strengthen the community and enhances our self aware of technical problems, it also relieves a great pressure from self judgement and perfectionism, which is something many artists agree is one of the causes of art block.

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

(Brené Brown)

It’s encouraging to see other people’s success, but we can also get a deep sense of belonging, as a community, by sharing what did not go right, and we can learn so much from observing how our fellow artists managed those bumps on the road. You can learn and teach so much by simply acknowledging this.

So today I wanna prompt you to think of some of the times things went wrong for you and your art, and remind yourself of how you overcame those obstacles. Sometimes it’s good to remember your failures so that you can realize you are still here, in spite of them. I’d love for you to be able to share them, and I’ll start by sharing some of my failures with you.

Quick reminder, though: this is not a complaint section. I invite you to list your hardships in the most factual way you can, and so will I, with the least detail about personal information and emotions attached to those occasions. The goal is to reflect upon our stumbles and falls so we can learn with them, even though some of them embarrass us. Here are some of my naked failures and shames:

At the beginning of my career, I’ve worked for very low rates, and in order to compensate for this, I’d work for way too long hours trying to make a decent daily income. I got very sick, and realize now that if you have to choose between an unfair paid rate and not get any gig at all, you’d be better off working on your portfolio and studying instead of supplying a demand for underpaid work. I am very embarrassed of how low were those rates, really.

I’ve accepted unpaid work with the promise of return on sales percentage. Never heard of it and feel really silly today about going for this. Again, if you have to choose, just work on your own portfolio and personal projects. Since you’re not gonna get paid anyway, might as well work for your own benefit.

I’ve got confident about how I was able to build what seemed like a fan base in a specific platform, and decided to ask these people for a type of support (not financial, btw). I got crickets, and learnt that only a small percentage of people who consume your work is actually engaged on it, and that is completely understandable looking in retrospect. Know each platform and the expectations of your public, as well as the expected level of commitment from them.

I’ve once spend a fair amount of money building a prototype of a comic I was creating at that time. At a local event, I met an editor from that city, and was so excited about the possibility of reaching out for them that I handed my one and only prototype. It got tossed in a box with a bunch of other stuff, and I never heard of this person again. Ouch.

TW: Harassment. I was once heavily harassed by a client, and pretend not to notice it because I wanted to keep the gig. I feel really embarrassed of this episode, even though I also feel proud of later on confronting the situation and ending both professional and social relationships. Ethics at work is priceless, and if you ever get into this situation, confront it immediately.

Some other recurring failures you might get as an artist:

Campaigns will fail and be ignored, even with paid ads.

 Your e-mails won’t get replies.

Your portfolio might be tossed aside at a con.

Your crowdfunding might not reach its mark.

Your business cards might get dumped on the floor or nearest trash bin.

None of this is a reason to stop, I promise you. At the time I experience those failures, I felt like my heart would break and that I couldn't breath, that I was utterly defeated and would never succeed in art after that. But I’ve made a turn around every time, and I’m sure so many people did, and I truly believe the more we share those experiences, the easier it is to recognize this truth: rejection is part of the deal.

Recently a dear friend of mine made a video  that expresses some parallels between rejection in art and in social life, and there’s a very important point to this. Dismissal is part of our lives, both in art and in our daily relationships, and the more we talk about it, the more we naturalize it and undress that mantle of shame and silence around it.

I want to inspire and connect with more people, so if you enjoy this blog post, please share, reblog and tell your friends! (: As always, you can also support this project on Patreon!