#truly the rizz you need for long distance relationships

[limbobongobingo]

Hey tumblr, hell site, digital void I scream into, the three mice following me. Let's talk about bedbug sex.

Traumatic insemination. What is it and why does it sound so horrifying? Because it is! And you know, I'd assume, I hope, and I pray to my political overlords, illegal for you to try.

Female bedbugs have a perfectly, perfectly fine and functional reproductive system but instead of using this male bedbugs, because evolution has no morality, inseminate female bedbugs with their needle, yes needle like penis.

Here's a schlong pic for y'all.

A bit if a closeup, save it for OnlyBugs jeezs.

Like I said before, they use this fucking nightmare to stab— tramatically inseminate if you will, female bedbugs. You maybe be thinking, "I'm sure they've evolved some kind of hole-orificey-thing down there Bongo . . . right?" NO! NO THEY HAVEN'T! I know if it works don't fix it, but what the actual fuck evolution! Not cool. Well I mean it is pretty cool that is why I'm here . . . Still, what. the. fuck.

I recently learned it causes CRACKS, VISIBLE ONES!

We get what happens, but how exactly? Female bedbugs actually get inseminated through their bloodstream! The fucking circulatory system!

When the sperm is deposited, it'll have antibacterial properties to go with it. Which yeah, makes sense. I wouldn't want blood dick diseases either! And, the real kicker? It doesn't even benefit the female bedbug! Its sole, singular purpose is to protect the sperm.

Now, thankfully, while it is stabbed into the female bedbugs circulatory system it's specifically deposited into this secondary reproductive structure called the mesospermalege. It's entire job? Stabby fucky wuky survival. Yep, that's what it does. It reduces the initial damage and is absolutely packed with shit that actually wards off them blood dick diseases this time! Wild.

Its the home stretch I promise you beautiful hopefully not illiterate mouse children you. We're almost done!

We know how, we know what it looks like, but actually why the fuck? It's apparently quicker then the conventional way, but I think they just wanted to spice up their sex lives. So take note aspiring parents, you could get a kid quicker and go to jail! A twofer! How absolutely positively great. I'm not the perturbed one here, you are.

The last notable section here, they just stabby stabby fucky fucky everything. Other males, other insects, probably inanimate objects on occasion. There is actually a theory about rollover insemination to explain the homosexuality, but really I'm not an etymologist and I choose to believe they just stab from dusk till dawn for no reason other than, you know, it works.

With that sprinkling of homosexuality, this concludes my ramblings on bedbugs. An insect that feasts on, and fucks in blood.

You're all welcome and I'm so sorry.

Let me know about spelling mistakes/stuff I got wrong!

[lynx-1512]

The typa guy who,

>has that supportive older gf who never nags at him or is clingy even in a long distance relationship

>has the best friends one could trust their life on, who'll cook for him, shield his ass, tag along wherever he goes

>has the sickest looking daddy's car

>has inherited unspoken rizz

>is a rich mf, basically the prince

And you're probably jealous or think of him as a spoilt guy. But then boy, does he keep losing all of them.

Makes you think towards the end that his life was truly cut short and he needed to be spoiled more.

(Also that life's unpredictable so make it count while it lasts.)