#truly sad that it was cancelled tho

[barblaz-arts]

I've been following you for years, since the peridot/lapis fanfiction era, and so far, you've always managed to hit the goldmine of shows I'm also interested in (The woes of being a gay girlie and finding every bit of media involving it ig), so it was a nice surprise to see todays fanart of Vaggie/Charlie as first kill, cal and juliette fit them so much, especially backstory wise, vaggie being an exterminator, cal being a monster hunter, Charlie being the princess of hell, juls being the daughter of a very important vampire family, just ughwbrbw so good,,,,, I had such high hopes for that show, especially with all the symbolism intertwined with the dreams, only for Netflix to add it to another pile of wlw graves. But yayyyy to the fanart!!!

Ngl I haven't watched First Kill yet. I didn't even know Juliette was from a noble vampire family. I just thought their dynamic was very chaggie. Yay for happy accidents!

[loisfreakinglane]

#im so bummed about the cancellation but at least it ended with ALL my ships happy and intact#and i get to hc these two getting married and having babies foreverrrrrrrrr

Desmond Chiam and Emeraude Toubia in WITH LOVE // 2.06 “The Wedding”

[niningtori]

the way we were before | oneshot

pairing: choi beomgyu x you

summary: you've been in love with beomgyu for as long as you've known him. deep down, you've always thought that he loved you, too; so when he tells you that he's engaged to another woman, you decide to break it all off after a nasty fight in which he shows you just how little you mean to him. a life-ending accident seems to put your feelings to rest, for good. just when you think it's all over, however, you awaken to a time before everything fell apart; and you're determined not to repeat the same mistakes. it's just that beomgyu can't seem to let you go.

genre: ANGST (literally so much angst it's not even funny), romance, second chance!au, rebirth!au, she falls first but he falls harder, possessive!beomgyu

warnings: mcd (and rebirth), somewhat graphic depictions of death/a corpse, suicidal thoughts, you can interpret a scene at the end as somewhat suggestive but not really

word count: 12.7k

notes: this work contains a lot of angst... and that's coming from ME. this might be too sad to the point of being corny but luckily i was born on the cob. don't be mean to me tho i'm going thru it rn. feedback also means the world 2 me <3

some things are a matter of course. for example, when you were initially paired with beomgyu for a project in your senior year of college, it was a matter of course to fall in love with him. supporting him morally and emotionally while he struggled throughout the rest of the year and well into his adult career? well, that was a matter of course, too. being with him every day, spending every spare second you had with the intention to make him happy, and giving up any concept of self-preservation in exchange for even a morsel of his affection? the answer doesn’t even need to be said. through it all, you’ve suspected that all of the intimacy that you’ve nurtured will inevitably end up with you two being together, of course. 

you haven’t done any of it for the outcome. truly, you haven't. you make him happy simply because it makes you happy just to see him shine. he’s always been such a bright, sunny boy, and it’s always been enough just to be the one who helps maintain his true personality. it absolutely kills you to see him hurting, so it isn’t unusual to drop everything, be it work or social events, just to give him advice, give him comfort, or even just give him company. while he certainly doesn't show his affection towards you as profusely as you do to him, you know he cares about you. you can see it in the way he notices the little things about you, and in the way he listens to you with full attentiveness, even when you have nothing particularly interesting to tell him. when everyone talks over you, he tells you that he wants to hear what you have to say. and that’s enough.  

with all of this in mind, you jump at his invitation to hang out at his apartment. he’s been a little distracted lately, cancelling plans together for reasons unknown. it’s been odd, to be sure, but you know he’ll tell you whatever’s been bothering him soon enough. he always does. you greet him with takeout from his favorite restaurant in tow as a surprise, and he takes it with that smile you love so damn much. he looks a little nervous, but happy, mostly, and you don’t have to wait for very long before he clears his throat and announces that he has something important to tell you.

you try not to get your hopes up, but who can blame you for feeling a hint of anticipation? maybe he’ll finally confess his feelings to you. maybe that’s why he’s been a little weird. naturally, since your mind is racing so much with romantic hypotheticals, of course it comes as a shock to you that he simply says, “i’m getting married.”

beomgyu, notorious for never even having the time nor interest to date around, is not only dating, but engaged. your jaw drops when he tells you that it all happened so quickly, he doesn’t even know how it unfolded. all he knows is that once he met her, a whirlwind romance swept him up, and just a few months have been more than enough for him to know that she’s the one. in fact, as he so fondly declares, he knew it from the very first moment he saw her at the dinner between the company you two work for and her own. the one where you were his “date”. you knew that it wasn’t a real proclamation of love or affection for him to ask you to accompany him, but you can’t say that you weren’t beaming with pride and validation at you being his natural choice. when you arrived at the dinner, you remember some of your coworkers jokingly whispering to you to just make it official already. you spent the night mostly by his side, looking up at him in admiration and love. as it turns out, the time you spent fawning over him was equally spent with him falling in love at first sight with another woman. you weren’t even apart for very long, but apparently he met her when you two broke apart to mingle. 

it’s a kick in the chest, to put it bluntly. you feel the wind being knocked out of your lungs, and you’re struggling to breathe. the first time you caught a glimpse of him, you knew that any attempts to stop yourself from falling in love with him were hopeless. his smile, his charm, his playfulness immediately had you enraptured. you’ve always, always known that he didn't have a similar experience with you, but you just assumed that he simply isn’t the type to be caught up in such childish romanticism. you've always loved him outwardly and persistently, and you've shown him that in every single way you possibly know how. you dared to hope that maybe he was just the type to quietly reciprocate. obviously, with how emphatically he’s professing his love for another woman, you were very, very wrong.

“what's the matter? aren't you happy for me?” you struggle to answer, but he continues as if he doesn’t notice. “you know, i was thinking you could be, like, my best man. i've seen people do it these days—you'd pretty much be my best woman. i really want you to do it. there's no one else i can think of to—well, actually, there's soobin, but you’re my—”

“beomgyu,” you sharply interrupt, wetness pooling in your waterlines. beomgyu may be a little emotionally slow, but he’s not stupid. you know he knows that you've had feelings for him since forever ago. while it hurts, the fact of them being unrequited isn't what really gets you; it’s the fact that he doesn’t have the decency to just tell the truth. he took advantage of your love for him, always calling for you when he needed you, without ever really doing the same for you. “what… what about us?” 

“what about us? you’re my best friend, and i want you to be part of my wedding,” he says smoothly, but you level him with a watery stare. as if realization finally dawns on him, he replies in a way you sincerely did not anticipate.

“c’mon, you know i don’t see you like that,” he chuckles with a wave of his hand, and you really would’ve rathered him say literally anything else. you’d prefer it if he had just punched you in the stomach, actually, because that would feel considerably better than this… this humiliation. you’re silent for a moment before you feel the tears you’ve been struggling to keep in cascade down your face. to his credit, he has the decency to look uncomfortable, and his playful smile drops. before he can reply, however, you speak again.

“you knew how i felt about you this whole fucking time, you were just too much of a coward to be honest with me,“ you declare. “if… if you had just told me, i would’ve understood. i-i would've—you didn't have to do it this way.”

“listen, i’m sorry that you’re hurt, but i really didn’t mean—” 

“are you really sorry that i’m hurt, or are you sorry that i showed you i’m hurt?” you cut in. “beomgyu, you don’t care about how i feel, just as long as you don’t have to be the one to deal with it.” 

“i’m—you're being unfair. i didn't want to hurt your feelings, i just wanted us to stay friends. what's so bad about that? don't you want that?” he seems genuinely puzzled, as if he can't wrap his head around why you'd ever be indignant at the fact that he stayed friends with you mainly for his own comfort.

“jesus christ, beomgyu! a real friend would never do this. you kept me around so i’d keep helping you with work, with life, with what the fuck ever. why can't you just be honest, after all this time? just don’t lie,” you spit.

“i'm not lying! you've helped me a lot, and i'm grateful for that, but you can't expect me to just owe you my feelings,” he snaps.

“that's not what this is about, and you know it,” you tremblingly reply, dignity cut right to the bone.

“seriously? that's exactly what this is about. you're the altruistic angel who does nothing wrong, and i'm just a fucking scumbag who takes advantage of you, right? well, i'm sorry, but it's not my fault that you're acting so goddamn crazy over something so stupid.” your eyes burn with an intensity so great, it feels like they're being seared out of your skull. in this moment, you realize that he will never, ever respect you enough to consider you worthy of being leveled with. he doesn't think you're even worth the time. you're his silly, lovesick best friend who's absolutely delusional to the point of being laughable for suggesting that he actually take you seriously, for once. and that revelation breaks you like nothing else.

you won’t do this anymore. you couldn’t even if you wanted to, and you don’t. 

“i never want to see you again,” you sob, and while it may seem juvenile to say, you truly mean it. before you can hear beomgyu reply, you dash out of the building and to your car. 

everything is a blur when you peel out of the parking lot and onto the road. your eyes are pouring out thick, hot tears, and you try your best to swipe them away as soon as they come, but it’s difficult when they’re seemingly endless. you don’t even attempt to hold in your sobs—they’re far too deep and frequent for that. if someone were to glance at you through their window, they’d think you were absolutely insane. and maybe you are, you don’t know. maybe you’re insane for thinking that things could’ve ever been any different. maybe you were just imagining everything that seemed like confirmation that he loved you back. maybe it was all a delusion because you wanted it so fucking badly. and maybe that’s your fault.

but did he really have to crush you like this? he knew you were in in love with him. he knew you were waiting for him. he knew what he meant to you. why couldn’t he have just been honest instead of stringing you along? to ask for him to return your feelings would’ve been too much, you've always understood that to be the case; but even to the bitter end, he’ll call you crazy before he tells you the truth. 

you try to keep yourself focused, but everything’s a blur with your eyes bleary with a film of tears. you have half a mind to just pull over and have a meltdown on the side of the road, but before you can do that, you hear your phone ringing. you pick it up in a frenzy, silently hoping that it’s beomgyu with an apology, but the number is unknown. you don’t even have time to feel disappointed before you look up and see that you’re barrelling past a red light. in a panic, you realize that you’re about to crash headfirst into another car. you swerve your steering wheel as hard as you can, seemingly avoiding danger, but the sight of a tree coming closer and closer into your vision paralyzes you with fear. you try to brake, but you’re going too quickly for it to be of any use. 

the collision is bone-shattering in the literal sense. you’d think you’d feel adrenaline alone in such a situation, but you can feel pain bursting out of every cell of your body as you still after being thrown back and forth in your seat. every organ, every bone, feels like it’s just been crushed, and not for the first time today, you’re struggling to breathe. 

as you slip out of consciousness, one immovable thought resounds in your head: i wish i'd never met him.

-

the sound of your alarm ringing pulls you out of the darkness. your eyes shoot open and you sit straight up in pure shock. while you pant—just trying to catch your breath—you grab your chest, clutching at your shirt as you feel your heart drumming erratically. did you survive? you scramble out of your bed and look in the mirror. there’s nothing on your face. no fresh wounds, bruises, no scars from what just happened. that can’t be right. you know you were torn up from the collision, and there’s no earthly way you came out of it unscathed. was it a dream? it can’t be; you can still feel the phantom of pain on every inch of you, even when there’s no indication of any material harm. you remember every second you spent before and after wrapping yourself around that tree. does that mean you’re dead? are you in the afterlife? 

that doesn’t seem right, either. you don’t know much about what the afterlife is supposed to be like, if there’s even one at all, but this feels too real and familiar. you reach for your phone, with its alarm still blaring, and as you hit snooze, you notice the date. it’s just a few months before… before everything happened. did you go back in time? is that even possible? you try to reconcile yourself with that fact for a long, long time. so long, in fact, that you don't even realize you're supposed to be heading to work until it's five minutes after you're supposed to be there. 

as if on cue, your phone rings with your boss’ contact displayed on the screen.

“hello,” he says as casually as anyone ever can. this just solidifies the idea that your accident must never have happened, because if it had, he certainly wouldn’t be greeting you as if it’s just another day. 

“h-hey,” you attempt to reply, and your voice is so choked and thick with emotion, he can hear how badly you’re struggling to speak at all. 

“is everything alright?” he asks, concern laced in his tone. that’s enough to make you break, and before you can stop it, you’re outright sobbing into the phone. 

“i’m—i just—i don’t think i can come in today.” you fumble for an excuse, but it’s difficult to think straight as you feel your mind breaking down. “i, um, i—” 

“hey, it’s okay. you can take the day off, alright? don’t worry about anything, just focus on feeling better.” his words, so comforting in nature, do nothing but make you cry even harder. it feels nice to be cared for like this. if you had the coherence to think so, you’d wonder how baffled he must be at your behavior. luckily, you’re far too gone to care. you think you end up stammering out something similar to a thank you, but you’re not quite sure. either way, the call ends, and you collapse onto your bed. you curl yourself up and tuck your knees to your chest as you grip yourself as tightly as you can. this is real. you’ve gone back. thank god, you’ve gone back. 

you cry and cry until no more tears will come out, and while you try to keep yourself awake as the hours pass by, the relief you feel coalesces with the enticing nature of your soft bed, so you can't help but drift off. it’s different from the way you drifted off mere hours ago. it’s a lot warmer and kinder, and you're so, so fucking tired, you don’t even want to fight it anymore. 

a knock on your door wakes you from your sleep. it’s a good thing, too, because you were having a nightmare. rejection, devastation, primal fear, mind-numbing pain, then total darkness repeated incessantly in your head for hours on end. you swipe away your tears, but they continue to flow as you practically drag yourself to your door. you’re so disoriented, you don’t even think to check to see who it is before opening it. what a mistake that turns out to be.

“hey! whoa—are you okay?” he asks, and who else could it be besides beomgyu? your heart pounds in your chest, and even more tears stream down your face as you let out a sob. his mouth contorts into a frown. his face, previously so endearing to you, makes you feel absolutely repulsed. you lost everything for the figure standing before you, and he has the nerve to ask you if you’re okay. a fire is ignited in your stomach, and you feel yourself on the precipice of carnal rage. while you’re trying to suppress that feeling, he speaks again. 

“i heard you called in, so i thought i’d check on you. do you have a fever?” he questions, reaching out his hand to check your forehead for abnormal warmth. without even thinking about it, you smack his hand away.

“don’t touch me,” you all but growl, but beomgyu is undeterred. 

“what’s the matter? i don’t care if you get me sick; i could use the time off,” he teases with a grin, but your face remains twisted up in pure anger. 

“get out,” you mumble between clenched teeth.

“what?” he asks, and it's unclear if that's because he's confused, or because he simply didn't hear you. either way, you don't care.

“get out,” you repeat, louder this time, but not lacking any of the previous anger. your erratic behavior is enough to finally irritate beomgyu. 

“fine, whatever. forget i even bothered,” he scoffs as he stalks out of the door. you slam it behind him before falling to the floor. this is your chance. you came back too late to avoid ever meeting him again, but it’s still good enough for you. from now on, you two will live completely separate lives spent being nothing to each other. owing nothing to each other. again, you find yourself sobbing in relief. 

-

when you return to work the next day, the first thing you do is head to your boss’ office. he looks relieved to see you for a moment before he notices the envelope in your hand. with the way his smile drops, you know he immediately knows what it is. 

“what’s that?” he asks, though the tension in the air is more than enough confirmation that he has no doubts about what the letter reads.

“my resignation,” you tell him. 

“may i ask what this is about?” he probes. no, he can’t, because even if you told him, he’d never believe you.  

“i just don’t think this position is right for me,” you deadpan, and the look on his face shows that he doesn’t really buy it.

“you’ve worked so hard for so long, and you want to give up now?” he has a point. your company is on the brink of a major deal with another company, which will result in a financial breakthrough like none other, if successful. as fate would have it, said company is the one in which beomgyu’s future wife works, and the dinner where the two of them met is the celebratory party for such success. you’d laugh at the circumstances if you could. “whatever the issue is, we can work it out. just don’t leave before we do this. we need you, and even if you want to leave after we close the deal, you’ll still be rewarded for everything you’ve done. don’t you want to see that happen?” you do. you really, really do. you’ve given so much of yourself for this opportunity, and you really want to see it work out. you guess, in a way, you already have seen it; but if you leave now, that’ll never happen. this particular project needs you to get off of its feet.

but can you really stand to see beomgyu for a second longer? have his mere presence fuck with your head? is it even worth it? you’re about to declare that it most certainly is not, but you stop yourself. the money will be good for you to start a new life. maybe you’ll move buildings, maybe even to a new city, maybe across the country, who knows? you’ll be more than comfortable with this potential payout, and then you can start a new life somewhere where you know nobody, and nobody knows you. 

“i want a new partner, at least,” you counter, and his face morphs into a grimace. he’s undoubtedly confused at your sudden aversion towards beomgyu, but he doesn't mention it to you. 

“that’ll be difficult. i need you both for this to work.” you’re about to flatout deny him, but he continues. “if you can just make it through this, i promise that you can go wherever you want to go, and i’ll even give you a bonus for your trouble. deal?” you purse your lips as you mull it over. if you can suffer through being partners with beomgyu, your move will be considerably easier. still, you’re undecided before you have an epiphany: in just a few months, beomgyu will meet his future wife and fall head over heels in love with her. all you have to do is ignore him until then, and he’ll inevitably leave you alone once he meets her. so what if beomgyu’s here? you don’t want to care about him anymore. and once everything’s settled, you’ll pack your life away and start somewhere without the bad memories. 

“okay,” you reply, and his face breaks out into a grin. 

-

beomgyu is very visibly ruffled today, which you would immediately notice if you just spared him a glance, but you do no such thing. your lack of attention towards him serves to only rile him up even further. he wants to be stubborn—act out until you apologize to him, but once he realizes you have no intention of doing so, he finally relents and approaches you.

“hey,” he says coolly, still a little annoyed, but prepared to forgive you. you look up at him blankly, and he’s unsettled by just how empty your eyes look, so he nervously asks you, “are you… are you feeling better?” you look at him as if he just spouted the most asinine question of all time, and for the first time ever, he feels small under your gaze. he shifts awkwardly on his feet before you break the silence. 

“i’m fine,” you tell him. he waits for you to ask him how he is, but the words never come. in fact, you turn away and bury your nose in your work as if he’s not standing there, waiting dumbly for you to respond as you usually would. well, whatever. you’ll have to talk to him, eventually. especially since you two are working on such a big project. 

you don’t really talk to him, though, aside from what’s absolutely necessary. for most of the day, you silently slide papers over to him without even deigning to look at him while you do it. when you do have to speak to him, your words are cold and detached, as if even speaking to him is a chore. it’s like you’re looking past him, almost. like you don’t even really see him, and he’s never felt as unsettled by a gaze in his life. 

at lunch, you quietly remain at your desk instead of joining beomgyu like you usually would, and you can't quite bring yourself to eat. you just feel sick by this entire situation, and while you know you need food to survive, you’re sure you’ll vomit if you try to eat anything. 

beomgyu, on his part, leaves you alone, though he desperately wants to try to get you to eat with him. he won’t admit it, but he’s actually afraid that you’ll reject him again. he doesn't know why, but the thought of you doing so slashes at his heart. this is a mystery to him. he shouldn’t really care if you reject him or not, since he’s been quietly rejecting you for years, but he can’t help it. still, as he watches you space out at your desk, he tries to will himself to bear the brunt of a possible denial before a coworker he recognizes approaches you.

you don’t even notice mingi walking up to you, so you jump in surprise when he greets you. you’re pretty familiar with him, but you’re not particularly close, so you’re a bit surprised by his arrival. 

“can i sit with you?” he asks, grinning as he asks it. you nod in response, and he grins even wider before he pulls up a chair and seats himself in front of you.

“are you going to eat?” he questions, and you shake your head.

“not hungry,” you reply. he frowns.

“you still need to eat. you need energy, especially since you’re working so hard.” you’re actually a little sheepish because of his words. so he’s noticed how hard you’ve been working? it feels nice to be appreciated. is he worried about you? 

“i’ll eat later,” you lie. he seems a bit reluctant, but he eventually nods. 

“make sure you eat, okay? i’ll—i’ll text you and make sure you have. is that alright?” you’re stunned for a few seconds before agreeing, and he ends up sliding you his phone so you can put your number in it.

beomgyu watches it all from his desk, and he feels a sense of loss. is it because you’re directing your attention elsewhere? that has to be it, right? it can't be any deeper than that, but somewhere nearly unreachable inside of him, he feels an unfamiliar sensation scratching at his heart, begging him to  acknowledge it. but he shakes away the thought. you’re acting really weird, but that’s okay. you love him, and you’ll get back to normal really soon.

that’s what he tells himself, but you remain as cold as ever throughout the rest of the week. you don’t look at him with those adoring eyes, and you don’t even crack a smile at his attempted jokes. he feels like he's going insane, as if he's on the brink of understanding something really important, but he can't quite make it there. 

it all comes to a head when beomgyu shows up late back from grabbing lunch. he's done this a million times before, and he's always been greeted by your insistence that his tardiness isn't a big deal. in spite of the tension between you two, he still assumes that you'll be as forgiving as ever.

“hey, sorry i'm late. i got caught up with eating and didn't realize how late it was getting,” he says casually. he searches your face for any traces of leniency, for the indulgence you used to give him, but there is none. only anger, and maybe even something like regret, though he can't quite understand the latter.

“don't be late again. we don't have time for this,” you say coldly before sticking your nose back into your computer, effectively ignoring anything else beomgyu could say to placate you.

you two work late into the night. beomgyu gets so caught up in his work, too afraid to draw your ire again, but when he realizes he hasn't heard any noise coming from you in a while, he peers over to see you staring blankly at the wall. your face seems expressionless, but your eyes are what horrifies him. dead, empty, hopeless. “a-are you okay?”

the sound of his voice does nothing to break you out of your trance, however. in fact, it seems to have triggered something in you, decimated a dam that was already leaking. your eyes still look blank as tears begin to leak out of your eyes. they fall slowly at first, then incessantly. it's hard to reconcile the steady stream with the way your face remains completely devoid of emotion. 

tentatively, he places a hand on your shoulder. suddenly, you're jolted awake, eyes now looking as composed and indifferent as ever.

“are you okay? w-what's wrong?” he asks anxiously, 

you hurriedly wipe away your tears before you say, “nothing. just thinking about something.” you redirect your attention to your work, just trying to fully shake the way you were just locked into the memory of you dying alone.

“what could you possibly be thinking about to make you look like that?” he asks concernedly, his voice unintentionally rising in frustration. your eyes harden before you turn to him.

“none of your business,” you say firmly. before he can say anything, you're packing up your things. “i'm going to call it a night and go home.”

“wait! talk to me! what's been bothering you so much lately? you've been weird for a while now, so just tell me what's going on with you. i'm here. i'm listening,” he says as gently as he can.

“you're here? you're listening?” you sneer. “i'm so honored that you finally give a fuck about how i'm feeling,” you say sarcastically. he frowns at your words.

“what are you talking about? i'm always here for you,” he says, and he looks so genuine, it makes you even angrier. he sincerely thinks he's telling the truth. so fucking clueless and selfish.

“are you? do you think offering up your ear once in a blue moon makes you an altruistic angel or something?” you know he can't understand that you're throwing his own words back in his face, because he can't even remember saying them, but you don't care. it just feels too damn vindicating to stop yourself. “beomgyu, you're only as available to me as is convenient to you. you'd never put yourself out of your way to comfort me. meanwhile, i've always been ‘here’ and ‘listening’ at your will. i don't need your pity, and i certainly don't want it.” he's stunned into silence. you're absolutely correct, he realizes with a sinking feeling. before he can formulate the words to defend himself, you pack up your things and leave the office.

-

in the following weeks, you realize that mingi is… nice. really, really nice. you’re not used to prospective romantic partners actually seeming to like you, so the feeling is foreign, but not unwelcome. do you have feelings for him outside of appreciation? well, not really. in the back of your mind, you honestly doubt that you’re even capable of having feelings for other people anymore, but you try not to think about it too much. if you seriously search for an answer, you fear you won’t like what you find.

mingi is diligent, though, and you like that about him. now that you’ve made it clear that you’re not involved with beomgyu (and never want to be), he’s pulling out all the stops to charm you. lunches you would previously spend with beomgyu are now spent laughing with mingi. in the same way, downtime at work, which would normally entail catching up with beomgyu and maybe helping with a few of his assignments, are now reserved for chats with mingi. as beomgyu watches you two giggle with your heads together, he wonders what you two could possibly be talking about to ever be that funny. his jaw ticks in irritation at the scene. most notably, though, is the fact that instead of spending your off days with him, you flatout reject him with no explanation. not even with a perfunctory “sorry”. he doesn't have to wonder what you’ve been doing when he hears your coworkers gossiping about how you're always hanging out with mingi. 

beomgyu feels you slipping away, and it brings a sense of panic he’s never known before. but why? he shouldn't care about your romantic endeavors. granted, you haven’t had one during the entire time that you've known him, but it’s only natural that he supports you as your best friend. best friend. does that term even apply to him anymore? he wants to insist that it does, but as the weeks turn into months, your disgust for him becomes clearer and clearer. as he sits across from you and mingi at an after-work dinner with your department, he watches as mingi flirtatiously whispers into your ear. when some of your coworkers tease the two of you about it, he realizes with sickening certainty that he doesn't just want to be your best friend, he wants to be the one who sits next to you. he wants to be the one your coworkers joke about being your boyfriend, and he wants them to be right about it. the time you two have spent apart has shown him that he can't imagine anyone else occupying the space beside you. with an overwhelming sense of clarity, beomgyu realizes that this feeling, so deep and all-consuming, is love.

how could he not love you? regardless of everything you've done for him, you're still so perfect to him, for him. he finds himself appreciating things he previously took for granted. you're beautiful, caring, funny, and smart. he loves your smile, your laugh, your company. he loves the way you look when you're focused, the way you look so innocent when you sleep. you're the first person he wants to tell any time something happens, good or bad. you're the face he wants to wake up to in the morning. you're the only person he trusts to be his partner for the rest of his life. and now, it's clear that he can't just let you go without a fight.

as everyone begins to leave the restaurant one by one, he follows you out into the parking lot, determined to make his feelings known. even if you don't reciprocate them anymore, he's willing to put in the effort to make you love him again. and even if you don't… even if you can't… the desire to simply be next to you supersedes the need to be loved back. 

you don't realize that beomgyu is trailing after you until you get to your car. he calls out your name as you're about to pull the door handle. with a sigh, you turn around.

“what is it?” you ask flatly.

“are you serious about mingi?” he asks firmly, but he already knows that you are not. the way you look at mingi is laughable compared to the way you looked at beomgyu before your sudden change in behavior.

“yep,” you say.

“no, you're not. i can tell,” he argues with conviction.

“oh, and you know me so fucking well, huh?” you snark.

“i do,” he tells you, stepping closer. “i know you, and i know you don't really like him. not really.” damn. he caught you.

“just because i don’t like him now, doesn't mean i can’t like him later,” you insist.

“so what? you’re just going to string him along while hoping you’ll like him someday? are you just going to spend the rest of your life never really caring about anyone? you can't live like that.” his words leave no room for argument, but you’ll be damned before you don't at least try.

“you’re right, i shouldn’t lead him on, but what’s it matter to you? even if it doesn't work out with him, maybe i’ll meet somebody who i can tolerate, and who can tolerate me. i don’t think i need anything more than that.” beomgyu flinches at your bizarre words, but he's already reconciled with the idea that even if you don't want him anymore, he'll still take whatever you want to give him with a smile on his face.

“then what about me? i… i can be that person.” he's so nervous, you can tell that it took all of his courage to say that. but who cares? 

“you can’t,” you argue.

“why not?” 

“that would mean i’d have to be able to tolerate you, and i don’t want to do that.” not anymore.

“why are you acting like this? you’re acting like i’m so fucking horrible, but you used to lo—” he stops himself, but you both know he was going to bring up the love you had for him. “i just want to know what changed.”

“i did. i changed.”

“but why? i mean, i didn’t realize it before, and i know i wasn’t always the best, but i’ve always had feelings for y—” 

“don’t even bother finishing that sentence. you don't like me at all,” you sneer, “you just don’t like seeing me move on.” this makes him pause, and even you don’t have the heart to pretend like you can’t see the hurt in his eyes.

“why can’t you ever just believe me?” he asks quietly. “i’m telling you i love you, but you don’t even care. i’m saying that it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, but you’re acting like… like i'm disgusting to you.” he looks like he's about to cry, and it makes you all the more frustrated.

“you don’t understand,” you reply in between clenched teeth. 

“then help me understand. i just want to know why. i just want to know how to fix it. how can i bring you back?” 

“you can't. look, i’m—” and you’re about to apologize, but you just can’t make yourself do it. “you’ll get it really, really soon. you won’t even remember feeling this way, i can promise you that, and you’ll forget all about me.”

“what are you talking about?” he says exasperatedly. beomgyu may not have always been the best of friends towards you, but he can recognize when you’re holding yourself back. “what aren't you telling me?” you purse your lips in response. 

“nothing. there's no point in saying anything, because you wouldn't understand even if you tried. you wouldn't remember—fuck, never mind. just let it go, beomgyu. i have.” but he can't just let it go. this whole fucking thing as an enigma to him. but your words are… odd. what do you mean he wouldn't remember? there's nothing to remember, no matter how much he tries. before he can respond, you get into your car and drive away.

-

“c’mon, you know i don’t see you like that,” beomgyu tells you, forcing an awkward laugh. your expression immediately crumbles, and he begins to shift uncomfortably when he realizes that he must’ve said the wrong thing. your silence is deafening, ringing in his ears, but he still tries to maintain a smile. maybe you’ll lighten up. maybe you’ll go back to the way you were before. maybe you’ll even crack at smile at this ridiculous situation when you realize that he’s right in his assumption that you’re just being emotional. your feelings for him can only go so deep, right? you can go back to being friends after this, just the way he likes it. 

his smile is wiped clean off of his face when your eyes redden and well up in pure, unadulterated hurt. hurt he’s never seen before. he fumbles for the right words, but before he can find them, you break the suffocating silence. 

“you knew how i felt about you this whole fucking time, you were just too much of a coward to be honest with me. if… if you had just told me, i would’ve understood. i-i would've—you didn't have to do it this way.” any delusions beomgyu has that you’ll just let this go are promptly flushed away at your biting tone. jesus christ. you’re right, and he knows it. he flounders for a response, but nothing he can possibly say could really be enough. 

he spends the duration of the argument mainly trying to defend himself. honestly? he doesn't want to remember everything you two say, but he knows he's being nasty in an effort to keep himself from reconciling with the fact that he is, indeed, a coward. he knows he’s never been the greatest friend to you, though he’s always justified it by recalling the times where he did do thoughtful things for you. when you tell him that your resentment isn’t about the fact that he doesn't feel the same way, but because of the fact that he won’t own up to his actions, he feels a stab to his pride. before he can stop himself, he lashes out. 

“seriously? that's exactly what this is about. you're the altruistic angel who does nothing wrong, and i'm just a fucking scumbag who takes advantage of you, right? well, i'm sorry, but it's not my fault that you're acting so goddamn crazy over something so stupid.” he regrets the words as soon as as he says them. every syllable seems so vile as they leave his lips, but he can't stop himself. when he sees you crack at his words, he really wishes he had just kept his fucking mouth shut. 

“i never want to see you again,” you choke out between sobs, and he feels a piercing pain shoot through his body, all the way down to his bones. you don’t mean that. there’s no way you mean that. you care about him. you love him, and even if he doesn't feel quite the same way, he loves you, too. but one look at your resolute face is enough to tell him that you mean it. he wills himself to say something—anything—but you rush out of the door before he can quite muster up the courage to speak.

he stands in a stunned silence for longer than he could ever rightfully justify, but a call from an unfamiliar number eventually pulls him out of his daze. usually, he’d reject it and chalk it up to spam, but something tells him that he should—needs to—answer it. with shaky hands, he accepts the call. 

“h-hello?”

the response mostly sounds rather clinical in nature, really. there’s a perfunctory greeting before the monotone voice detachedly states that there’s been an accident, and he will need to come to the coroner’s office to accurately identify the corpse, which had been declared deceased at the scene. as it turns out, he was your first emergency contact. 

“we are deeply, deeply sorry.” the final words are the only ones that seem to hold any hint of an emotion in them, but beomgyu is too preoccupied to hear it. in a daze, he gets in his car and makes his way to the coroner’s office. hoping, praying, needing for this to be a bad dream. as he comes to find out, it is not. 

-

beomgyu’s head whips up in horror, and he’s panting like mad in between whimpers. tears incessantly pour out of his eyes, wetting his flushed cheeks. was it all a dream? there’s no way; it was too real to be a dream. he was there—he lived it. no, no, no…

“beomgyu?” a voice says, somewhat breaking him out of his panic. his bleary eyes snap up to the doorway to see you standing there, your eyebrows knit with concern and confusion. you two have been working late again, awkwardly alone together once more after his confession. you saw that he had fallen asleep, but he looked so tired, you couldn't bring yourself to wake him up. “are… are you okay?” he's absolutely frozen as you tentatively approach him, pausing a bit uncertainly before approaching him to get a closer look. he grabs you and tugs you towards him, wrapping his arms around you in an almost bruising grip. he nuzzles his wet face into the crook of your neck, inhaling your familiar scent in between shudders. 

“beomgyu, are you sick? did you have a bad dream?” you ask. his heart would flutter at your concern, concern you haven’t shown him for so long, in any other context; but as it is, he’s far too distraught to appreciate it. 

“i… i remember,” he croaks, trying to get even closer to you, as if doing so is the only way to keep you safe. you’d like to break out of his embrace, but he’s so distraught while you’re so off-guard, you don’t do it just yet. 

“remember what? something about the project? we can—” 

“no. i’m—i remember… i remember losing you.” he can’t quite bring himself to be any clearer, but you seem to understand him, anyway. you stiffen in his arms before prying him off of you. he fumbles for you, just to touch you again, but you push him away. you exert very little force, but it’s firm and unrelenting. 

“oh,” you reply, looking a little lost, but mostly just cold. he's basically wailing now, but he tries his best to answer.

“i’m so, so fucking sorry. i didn’t—” 

“what, you didn’t mean to? you’re sorry? maybe so, but  does it matter?” you cut in, almost snarling. now that he remembers, all of the feelings, all of the resentment you’ve kept bottled up come tumbling out of your mouth. “what's the point in telling me this now, after everything? you’re not sorry, beomgyu. you only care because i’m—because i was gone. i don’t want to hear about your regrets; they’re worthless to me.” he recoils as if you just punched him. his eyes turn even redder than they were before, too, and he’s silent at your words. 

he wants to tell you that you’re wrong, because he really is sorry, but can he truthfully say that he’d realize his feelings if you didn’t… go? he can’t. for all he knows, he’d have rejected you forever. he's so ashamed, he'd rather die than feel this way. even so, he wants to attempt to explain himself; you deserve that much. before he can reply, however, you rise and stalk towards the doorway. it’s reminiscent of the way you left when everything happened, and he desperately tries to follow you, grabbing your arm before you can make it out the door. 

“don’t touch me. don’t you ever touch me,” you seethe, ripping yourself out of his grip as if the mere feeling of his hands on you burns through your skin, and he staggers backwards. he keeps his arm somewhat outstretched, though. just in case you change your mind.

“don’t leave like this. i-i don’t want you to get hurt.” not again.

“what’s it matter to you?” you sneer. “you didn’t care before, so i won’t waste my life on you ever again.” his eyes widen in terror, and tears fall even more profusely than they already were. you begin to leave, but to your regret—and to his anguish, the angriest part of you forces you to turn around and face him again.

“do you want to know what my last thought was?” you ask, face mostly blank besides the slight traces of disdain in your eyes, and he’s too terrified to move or even speak at all. he knows whatever you say will be something that breaks him, so he tries to shrink himself to be as small as possible; subconsciously praying that doing so will make him disappear in the face of your anger. still, your eyes remain locked on his face—narrowing in on him regardless of his efforts. “it was of you, actually. i was wishing i’d never met you.” he visibly flinches as he gasps sharply, feeling like you just knocked the air out of his lungs. he feels like he can’t breathe. it would have felt better if you had just ripped his heart out of his chest, because as it is, it’s aching so badly, he wishes you had. 

his lips tremble, and he looks like he’s just heard the worst news of his life. and he has. you hate him that much? you regret all of the time you had together to the point of wishing it had never happened? he’s never, ever regretted a moment he’s spent with you, but he guesses your company has always been better than his. how could it not be? you’ve always given him more than he could ever reasonably ask for, and even if you hadn’t, you’re still a much better person than he is. better to the extent of making him realize just how unworthy he is.

he lets you leave, but his anxiety makes him frantically pace about the room. he tugs at his hair, willing himself to calm down, but he just can’t. after a few minutes, he texts you and asks if you made it home. to his relief, it says that you’ve read the message, so he knows you must be okay. still, you don’t respond. 

-

the deal is tied up exceptionally smoothly; you’ve done it before, after all, so that comes as no surprise. on the night of the celebratory dinner, you take mingi as your date. you’ve already told him that you don’t see things panning out, but he actually takes it really well. maybe telling him that you’re planning on moving helped smooth things over. still, he insists that you accompany him to the dinner, just as friends. you oblige. 

it’s mostly the same as you remember. you spend the night mixing with your coworkers for the last time, and it’s bittersweet. they don’t know that this will be the last time you see them, as your two weeks before resignation have already passed in secret, and you’ll spend the next few weeks just packing and finding a new place to stay far, far away from here. it’s freeing, in a way. 

at some point, your manager announces that he’ll be making a toast, and the room quiets as everyone’s attention is placed on him. 

“firstly, i’d like to celebrate the success of this collaboration. everyone has worked hard to make everything come to fruition. secondly, i’d like to recognize two of the people who made this possible.” he specially thanks you and beomgyu, which is normal, but the unexpected happens when he voices his regret that you’ll be resigning. 

your coworkers look at you in shock, but one person in particular is especially stunned. beomgyu. your manager probably thanks employees of the other company, too, but he doesn’t hear it. other voices, other people, are drowned out by the buzzing in his ears. you’re leaving, and it's all because of him. 

he tries to drown his feelings in alcohol, stomach burning with every round, but the regret never seems to numb. the room seems to be spinning, and he looks visibly ill. eventually, a familiar figure takes a seat next to him. ah. his previous fiancée.

“hey,” she says, somewhat coyly. he doesn't respond. “wow, are you okay? you look a little green. how are you getting home?” again, he doesn't respond. she actually appears to be embarrassed, but she tries one more time. 

“i actually—i came over here because you're really… cute. if you don't have a way home, i can take you. i won't try anything on you, but i can't just let you go home alone. and maybe, you know, when you're sober, we can—”

“beat it,” he snaps. he knows it’s not her fault, and that she hasn’t done anything, but he still can’t help his resentment, even when it should all be directed towards himself. but his recognition of his unfairness isn’t enough for him to care. she blinks in surprise and embarrassment, rising from her seat in defeat. 

beomgyu continues to drink until he’s on the verge of passing out, putting his face in his hands. he draws attention from everyone, but he doesn’t have the mind to care. people try to approach him, but he flatly rejects everyone who attempts to offer their help in order to ensure that he gets home safely. 

“should you… should you take him home?” mingi asks. it’s obvious who he’s referring to.

“it’s not my problem,” you reply, a bit more curtly than you intended. 

“you’re right, it’s not. but you’re the only one he’ll listen to, and i think you know that.” mingi argues. you sigh. he’s right. as much as you want to blame beomgyu for everything, you’ve come to realize that after the conversation—more like confrontation—you two had, you’re not angry anymore. it was hard to see in the moment, but you’ve begun to question your merciless stance towards him. isn’t it partially your fault that things turned out the way they did? he didn't make you check your phone that day, so isn’t it unfair to completely blame him for everything? 

with this in mind, you approach him. he initially bats you away, assuming you’re just another one of his coworkers, but your voice pulls him out of his drunken stupor.

“c’mon. i’ll take you home.” his head whips up in surprise, and he almost thinks you’re joking, but your face is completely serious.

“o-okay,” he replies, sounding extremely docile. you don’t respond, but you begin to walk ahead of him as you head to the exit. he’s having a hard time even following you as he clumsily staggers through the crowd, following you like a lost puppy. hesitantly, he reaches out for your hand, though the fear of you telling him not to touch you remains. you turn back to see his fingers hesitantly outstretched to your hand, and with a look of resignation, you let him grab it as you lead him out.

the ride to his home is a silent one. beomgyu rests his head upon the cold window as he stares at the scenery outside. he doesn’t really take anything in, far too dazed to appreciate the view, but he looks, anyway. 

when you enter his apartment, begrudgingly letting him lean on you for support, you take him to his bedroom. he plops down onto his bed in an unnaturally clumsy manner. 

“th-thanks for taking me home,” he says meekly. 

“mm,” you reply, no inflection of emotion in your tone, getting ready to leave and head to your apartment. 

“w-wait! can you… can you stay here tonight?” you look at him doubtfully, but before you can resolutely deny him, he begins to retch. with widened eyes, you pull him up and drag him to his bathroom. he hunches over the toilet and lets everything go. he’s trembling after he’s finished, and you clean him up as best as you can. he melts into your touch as you gently wipe his face. you’re not soothing him with your words like you would’ve a few months ago, but your care, no matter how unwilling you seem to give it, is something he revels in. he brushes his teeth, but he keeps his eyes on your pensive reflection in the mirror. after he's finished, you speak.

“i’ll stay,” you tell him. 

“w-what?” he questions, eyes watery.

“i’ll stay for tonight. i’ll take the couch. i just don’t want to leave you when you’re feeling like this. it’s dangerous.” 

“n-no! you can stay in the guest room.” 

“i need to be able to hear you if something happens,” you argue. 

“th-then i’ll sleep on the couch. i don’t want you to—” 

“beomgyu, you need to properly rest. if you don’t sleep in your room, i’ll leave.” his face crumbles before he acquiesces with a strained nod.

“good,” you say with a ghost of a smile at his blind obedience, but he's too drunk to notice it. if he had, he would’ve clung to it like a man drowning. 

“thank you,” he solemnly whispers.  

“goodnight, beomgyu.”

“goodnight,” he says, and you rifle through his drawer for some clothes before heading to his living room and changing. you pull out spare blankets from his linen closet before sliding onto his couch.

you sleep rather peacefully, but beomgyu has no such luck. instead, he's pulled into a dream—one he comes to realize is a memory.

-

when beomgyu arrives at the coroner’s office, there is a moment, albeit brief, that he sickly hopes that it’s literally anyone else in the world, but when he sees you—body mangled nearly beyond recognition—he realizes that there is no such mercy. apparently, you didn't even die on impact, but by the time somebody reached you, you were already gone. he doesn't want to imagine how you must've felt, being alone in your last moments, but he feels like he should. against the warnings of the coroner and surrounding police officers, he demands for your face to be uncovered. he can surely identify you based on frame and clothing alone, but for reasons he doesn’t dare to dwell on, he feels like he just has to see. he just has to be sure. he just has to know what he did to you. 

and he does come to know it. to his eternal regret, he begins to know it at that moment, and consequently, every moment after. as it turns out, they suspect that you were looking at your phone before you swerved off of the road. he doesn’t know how, but he’s instinctively sure that it’s because you were waiting on his call. one  resounding thought thrums incessantly in his head: it’s all his fault, all his fault, all his fault.

your face is bloody, barely even showing any of the underlying skin, and marred from shattered glass. he swallows thickly as he reaches out to touch you, running his hands over the gashes on your face as softly as he can as to avoid hurting you, and he can’t help but wonder if it’s at all possible for him to tend to your wounds. he would go over single one, softly patching you up back to normal; but you're already cold to the touch, and though you definitely can’t feel anything, his mind imagines how much it must hurt to have him caress the gaping wounds on your face. he snatches back his hand, as if his touch is poison to you. 

“s-sorry, i’m really sorry!” he panickedly exclaims. “i-i won’t—i didn’t mean to hurt you.” he’s unsure if he means that in the current physical or the previous emotional sense, but does that really matter? he already has. besides, you can’t feel anything anymore. all of your muscles are relaxed, leaving you devoid of any expression as your eyes hollowly stare up at the ceiling. for a moment, he wishes the hurt he saw in them a mere hour ago was still there. anything would be better than the current blankness of your features. 

the blankness remains, however, even after all of the makeup and superficial repairs done to make you look like you’re only peacefully asleep. to him, you just look dead, no matter how badly he wishes the former were the case. as much as he wants to speak at your funeral, he does not. he doesn't deserve the dignity to speak, much less to properly mourn you. not after what he said to you. not when everything that's happened is all his fault.

the breakup with his girlfriend—or fiancée—is more bothersome than he can handle. in between her pleas and attempts to reason, all he can do is coolly recite the constant refrain: “i’m sorry, i just don’t want to be with you.” she tells him he’s just grieving, that he’ll get over it with time, and she wants to support him while he does it; but he montonously repeats his words as if they're the only ones he knows. in her anger and desperation, she tells him he’s making a mistake, and that he’s just feeling guilty because of your unrequited love, which ultimately proves itself to be the categorically worst thing to say. he finally explodes, telling her that she was the mistake, that he doesn't know what he ever saw in her that even closely compares to you, and he'd take every moment with her back if he could. she's the biggest regret of his life, which previously felt like it had only just begun, but now feels like it stretches far beyond what he can tolerate. 

in the days, weeks, months that follow, he struggles to understand how something so unjust could occur. it doesn't make sense. really, it just doesn't make sense. eventually, even his initially patient friends grow weary of his neurotic harping upon how unfair it is, how sudden and wrong it all is. he should be punished. you shouldn’t have had to be the one to suffer, but you were. what kind of justice is that? what kind of universe allows something so cruel to happen right under its nose?

when everyone finally tells him that it’s time to move on and let go, he resorts to speaking to the only person who can’t argue back. you. he visits you every day, bringing you gifts on christmas and your birthday, and even just when he sees something he think you'd like. in a way, they’re almost like sacrifices to you to atone for what he did. his contrition. he spends many of his visits by raving like a man gone mad at a stone slab. he likes to think that you’re agreeing with him, that you see the unfairness for what it is. he’s realized that he loves you, has always loved you, but he was too self-absorbed to notice. as hypocritical as it is, he’s only noticed after you… left, and he’s more disgusted by himself than he ever thought possible. still, he thinks you deserve to know. you deserve for him to be brave and tell the truth, but who cares? what’s the use of only recognizing it after everything he’s done? 

he apologizes to you while crying about how much he misses you. he tries to tell you about other things, too. about the things he thinks you would’ve liked to hear. about current events he decides you’d find funny or interesting, about life updates on your friends that you’d want to know, about how a new album has been released by an artist you really liked, and that he can't quite bring himself to listen to it yet. he’ll definitely listen, though, someday. he’ll give you his opinions after describing each track in great detail, once he’s able to bear it, that is. you always look(ed) forward to their releases, so it’s the least he can do to repay his debt to you. 

but if you owe someone a debt as deep as their life, how can you repay that debt when they’re no longer here to collect it? if he really thinks about it, there are a lot of things he owes you. he owes you the years you spent caring about him when he couldn’t be bothered to reciprocate a fraction of the same courtesy. he owes you every thoughtful action, every encouraging word you wasted on him. he owes you the time you dedicated to make sure he always felt seen, felt understood, felt loved. yes, he owes you a lot of things—too many to properly account for, actually. and now, he even owes you your life. his debt is so heavy, he crumbles under it every day, squirming pathetically beneath the crushing weight of it all like an insect. the worst part is: he owes you more than you ever asked him for. all you wanted in return was honesty, but it appears that even that was too much to ask from him.

he wishes you were here to punish him, to scorn him for being such a fucking bastard. yell at him, hit him, kill him. anything would be fine—he’d tolerate it all—just as long as you were still here. he’d be perfectly content with your hatred, he’d revel in it, even; but he supposes that he doesn’t even deserve that much. as it is, your silence is the most punishment he can receive, but that doesn't feel like it's even close to enough. he finds himself praying for mercy, for some bizarre, cosmic event to put him out of his misery once and for all. he indulges in the idea that if he plays his cards right, if he begs and pleads enough, he’ll find you again. such a notion is initially enough to placate him, but it is to his horror when he realizes that he’s more afraid of that than anything else. what if he finds you, and you tell him, “i never want to see you again,” just like before? such a terrifying outcome is enough to keep him from snuffing out his own light with his own two hands for good. he’d rather live as if he were dead than hear those words again.

so he does. he lives like that for years, decades, until death mercifully takes him. he lives quietly and utterly alone. no wife, no children, and hardly any friends. if your life was robbed from you by his actions, then it’s only right that he lives as if his own were robbed from him, too. it’s the least he can do to atone for what he’s done. what keeps him up at night, though, is the possibility that it’s just not enough. if you do meet him again, what will you say? will you still tell him that you don't want to see him? that the lifetime he spent regretting everything he's ever done pales in comparison to the price you paid for caring about him? as the darkness overcomes him, however, he realizes that you deigning to say anything at all to him is better than your unbearable silence. his final thought before he's swallowed whole is: please, just let me see you one more time.

-

beomgyu awakens in a cold sweat, panting heavily as he struggles to understand where he is. is he still alive? that can’t be right—he clearly felt himself slipping away. but what if he can’t die? what if that’s his punishment? the thought alone is enough to elicit a guttural, “no, no, no!” out of him as he realizes that his nightmare is not yet over, and may very well never be. tears pour down his face as he wails like a child.

“beomgyu?” you say as you walk through the doorway, looking somewhat sleepy and disheveled in clothes he subconsciously registers as his own. when he looks at you, he's relieved, but the regret he feels is what overwhelms him.

“oh, god. i'm—it's all my fault.”

“what?” you ask, still a bit disoriented from just waking up, seeing as how it's still the middle of the night.

“it's all my fault. it's all my fucking fault. i did that to you.” suddenly, you realize what he’s saying, and your heart clenches at his words.

“beomgyu, no. i was distracted. i didn’t see—”

“you were distracted because of me. you thought i was calling you, i just know it. you were there because of me. because i’m a fucking coward who couldn't just tell you the truth.” you don’t know what to say. did he really blame himself for everything? even after all of this time? before you can answer, he speaks again.

“i saw—you just looked so small. i've never—i didn't even think anyone could bleed that much. you were so cold, a-and your face was—” 

“hey, hey, hey, stop it,” you say firmly, but gently, “you're not—” 

“they said you died at the scene, all… all alone. and i know i was the one who did that. if i had just listened to you, if i had just been honest with you, you would've been alright. but i called you crazy. i said you were being stupid. w-why did i say that? what did i do it for?” 

“look at me,” you say firmly, which makes his unfocused eyes zero in on you. “listen, listen to me. it's not your fault, okay? i used to feel like it was, but now i understand that you were scared. i know you couldn't control how you felt about her, and you were right about you not owing me your feelings. you could've been honest, but that doesn't mean you killed me.” 

“no, i did it. i did it. i did that to you. if i had just—”

“gyu,” you sigh, and his heart can’t help but stutter at the nickname you haven’t called him in months. “i’m telling you it’s not your fault. i used to blame it all on you, and i was wrong for doing that. but you get it now, right? you're supposed to be with her. you love her.”

“no, no, no! i don't. i really don't,” he desperately exclaims, trying to convince you in the only way he knows how.

“maybe not yet,” you concede, “but you will. once you get to know her, you'll want to spend the rest of your life with her. that's how it's supposed to be, just like before.”

“there is no before,” he cuts in pleadingly. “i lived and died alone, just like i deserved. i just—i love you so much, i couldn't stand to let you go.” you frown at his words—they make you actually feel guilty. even so, you guess that it's time to let the purgatory you find yourselves in go. besides, maybe he needs an apology to finally put it all to rest. 

“i'm sorry that—” his heart drops to his stomach. please don’t say it. he’s begging you not to say it. not to someone as unworthy and filthy as him.

“don't. please, please, don't apologize to m—”

“—i made you feel that way. even when i hated you, i never wanted you to live like that; but you can't mistake guilt for… something else. maybe this is another chance to get it right. you can be with her guilt-free, and i can live without regrets.”

“no, i-i didn’t break up with her because of guilt! i did it because i realized that if it’s not you, i don’t want it to be anyone else. it can’t be anyone else.” 

“you don’t know that,” you sigh. “you think you feel that way, but you’re just sad that things ended how they did.” 

“you’re wrong!” he exclaims. “i didn’t realize it—i was too stupid to realize it. and i know it’s disgusting of me, but i only… i only understood it after i lost you. i-i’m sorry i didn’t realize it before, but please don’t tell me how i feel. i spent every day wishing i would just fucking die so i could see you again. i just couldn’t stand living without you. that’s not normal—that’s not how friends feel, no matter how guilty they are. i just wanted to die.” you purse your lips at his words as you feel dread pooling in your stomach. at least when you died, you didn’t suffer for long, but he suffered for the rest of his life. in the same way, you didn’t want him to hurt himself, no matter how angry you were. 

beomgyu has begun to hyperventilate, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of you—too afraid that you’ll disappear if he does. he’s probably having a panic attack as tears stream down his face, and he ruthlessly tugs at his hair in pure distress. all he can do is repeat that it's all his fault and how sorry he is, and any lingering resentment you may feel dissipates like smoke at his absolutely shattered state. it seems like he really can't live without you, so are you sure you can abandon him like this? you don't think so. although it may not be right, you still think that it's worth a shot. you don't think he has the capacity to hurt you ever again, and you realize that even after everything, you don't think you can love somebody the way that you love him. so, you're willing to let him try again.

“hey, hey. stop it,” you coax, seating yourself on his bed. but he can’t stop it, he physically can’t. he’s whimpering now, like a wild beast with a mortal wound. you don’t hesitate to take him into your arms, holding him tightly as you shush him. “shh, it’s okay, i’m here. don’t cry. i’m here, and i won’t leave again. i promise. just breathe, in… then out. that’s it, just like that. good job.” 

eventually, his breath begins to even out, though his body is still racked with shudders. you’re here. you’re okay. you promised that you won’t leave him, and you always keep your word when it comes to him. he finally feels like he can breathe, and even though he’s in so much pain, he still wishes this moment will never end. he wishes he could stay in your arms forever, never letting you leave his side. always staying where he can reach you.

“better?” you ask, pulling away to get a good look at him, but he shakily grips your sleeve in sheer desperation. he just has to be touching you, somehow. he forces himself to nod.

“good,” you say, eyes soft and lips slightly upturned in relief. he almost loses it again at the sight of your smile, no matter how small. he never thought he’d see it directed towards him again in this life or the next. “do you want to start over?” 

“s-start over?” he asks. he doesn't dare to let himself hope that you mean what he thinks you mean. 

“start over,” you nod. “we can try again, okay?” 

“oh, p-please,” he begs. he’s so pathetic. he doesn’t deserve your mercy, but he supposes he’s too selfish to reject it. you look at him for a long, long time with soft eyes. you’re not angry anymore—he’s suffered more than enough, and you finally believe that he loves you just as much as you love him, and maybe even a little more than that.

“you promise you won't hurt me again?”

“i promise. i swear to god—” 

without a second thought, you gently cup his face in your hands, which makes his words catch in his throat. his eyes widen as you lean in while pulling him towards you. when your lips meet, he’s electrified to his bones. he melts into the kiss, whimpering slightly at the feeling of your lips against his. when you break apart, you rest his forehead on his own, closing your eyes as he stares at you before he does the same. he clutches the hand you have on his face and grazes his thumb over it as he lets out a contented sigh. nobody has ever made him feel this way before, and if he could go back to the first day he met you, he’d tie you to him immediately. 

“thank you, thank you so much,” he whispers. with a smile, you press your lips against his again. he falls into the feeling just as easily as the first time, and you push him down before continuing to go even deeper. before completely giving in. 

you spend the night loving and being loved in a way that you never thought you could. you feel cherished to a degree you previously considered impossible. beomgyu reveres you as if you’re his god, and he shows you as much with how loving and gentle he is. when you’re finished, panting heavily against each other, he holds his hand against your cheek as he stares at you in awe.

“i missed you so much. i love you so much. i promise that nobody will ever love you as much as i do. i promise that nobody will ever treat you as well as i will. just don’t leave me, okay?” and when the time comes, even if you do leave first, he’ll be sure to follow you. he won't let you be alone ever again. but he definitely can’t tell you that, or else you’d yell at him for not caring about his life enough.

“okay,” you tell him with a sleepy smile, and he beams before kissing your forehead and letting you drift off. he stares at your peaceful face, resolving to always give you what you want, no matter what it costs him. even if it kills him, he'll gladly do whatever it takes to ensure that you're happier with him than you could ever be with anyone else. he'll prove to you how much he loves you, and he'll pay back the debt he owes you a million times over. you'll see. he’ll marry you, start a new life with you, and chain himself to you forever; which may sound selfish, but he’ll make up for his willfulness by being everything you could ever want and need. and finally, before he joins you to sleep, he thanks the universe for having mercy on him—for letting him see you again.

notes pt. 2: ... so? LMAOOOOO i hope this was worth the wait bc this work was so hard for me to get through it was making me so sad to write it. anyway, love yew. please don't be mean to me tho like if u don't like it just close your eyes n scroll 🙏

permanent taglists: (sfw only) @defnotleee @yaoizee @tubatukimoa ([n]sfw/sfw) @lonelybutterflytae @cherrycolaberry @everythingvirgoes @midwinterblizzard @sooberryworld @20-cms @hyueika @boba-beom @vicurious28 @blossommi @lickingan0rchid @katsukis1wife @binniebakery @notevenheretbh1 @shymexican @that1sadgrl @archoive @paegesoobin @buttercreamerie @ifwtxt @softesyoongi @serenityism00 @fairfootedflekk @kyanmeai @definitelynotherr @hyunj00 @taehyunluvrs @m00gyu @denleave1088 @hwanghyunjinismybae @bmo-bri @todorokiskitten @choikanghuening @naoristerling

join one of my taglists here!

[mxtantrights]

Hello there, ‘tis I again! Soo happy you enjoyed the boxer!jason request!! I know, i love him too :)))

Today i bring forth another boxer!Jason ask, maybe you introduce him to your friends and they can’t see past the fact he kinda looks like a brute (even tho he’s such a big softie, i truly believe this man reads romeo and Juliet while waiting to get on the ring), and so at the end of the night he’s feeling insecure cause he could see how your friends looked at him and he starts wondering if they are right and you deserve someone who’s softer and more approachable. And obviously reader shows him just how amazing he is!!

Today i yearn for some good hurt/comfort, if you couldn’t tell lol

Hope you have fun writing this one!! Marvellous works 🩷🩷

Everything goes right before the two of you get there. Thats how Jason knows something is gonna go wrong at this hang out. You told him all week that if he felt like not going, you could cancel. But he didn't want it to seem like he was blowing your friends off. So he trudged through.

He trudged through and is sitting side by side with you in a booth. And three of your friends are crowded into the other side of it. They've had a couple of drinks before you came. You weren't really in the mood to play catch up so you stick to your one while Jason goes dry because he's driving.

They have conversations about the recent news, the latest gossip, and then they ask about your life. Particularly your life with Jason. You start gushing about him, as if he isn't there, and tell them about how you met and how he treats you.

"This guy? This six foot tall, three hundred pounded brick wall?" one of them asks.

You scoff, "How he looks has nothing to do with how he treats me."

"Yeah, but doesn't he-don't you box?" another one of them asks him.

Jason clears his throat and sits up straight. But you notice it. You notice how he is trying to make himself smaller. He did it at the very beginning of your relationship, to make you less scared. You talked to him about it when the two of you got closer, and you haven't seen him do it since. Until now.

"I'm a boxer, yes. But I don't bring any of that home with me." Jason answers.

"Isn't it hard though? When you're angry? I mean who's to say you won't-" the third friend starts.

Hell. This has to stop.

"Enough." you speak.

They all look at you, at a loss for words. While it's true the four of you grew up looking like people who were afraid to tell others no, and looked like doormats, you were far from that person. Those days are over.

"I'm not gonna let you speak to him like that. He has been nothing but kind and open with me, and not that it's any of your business, but he has never laid his hands on me, or raised his voice." you say.

Then you're getting up from the booth, holding your hand out for Jason. He looks between you and your friends and then he's getting up from his seat. He takes your hand in his.

"He's my boyfriend. I want him in my life and I wanna be a part of his. So either you get that or you get lost." You put finally.

You turn around and walk right out the door with Jason. Jason who hasn't said a word yet. Jason who is holding onto your hand in a way that tells you he's not completely paying attention.

When the two of you cross the threshold of the doors, you squeeze his hand.

"Baby?" you ask him.

Jason looks at you then. Like everything is coming back into focus for him. He has a sad smile on his face.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"Don't ever be sorry for being you. If my so called 'friends' couldn't see past what you look like and what you do for a living then they don't need to be my friends." you explain to him.

Jason shakes his head, "You've known them longer than me. It's not fair that-"

"Jason Todd, I am not willing to give you up. For anyone. Ever. You got that?"

Jason lets out a small sigh. "Okay."

You let go of his hand to hold out your arms. He pouts a bit before stepping closer to you and wrapping his arms around you completely. You nuzzle into him more.

"I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you. I hope you know that." you add on.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"I swear it." you answer.

a/n: thank you so so much for sending this in! <333 I love some good hurt/comfort too!! I hope you like it!!

[afterglowsainz]

august | pedri gonzalez

summary: in which pedri was never yours to begin with

fc: sophia birlem

a/n: quick short fic that has been in my drafts for so long you have no idea. anyway, what month is it?

—

liked by pedri, bffusername and others

yourusername cruel summer 💗🌊

view all comments

friend1 prettiest girl in barcelona!

friend2 gorgeous gorgeous girl

friend3 omg mine 🥰

bffusername truly a greek goddess that came to bless us with her presence

yourusername omg 😭😭

friend4 all the beautiful girls support barcelona

yourusername so true

liked by yourusername, ferrantorres and others

pedri this is what we do during summer break

view all comments

username mate is in summer break and he’s still working at the club 🤡

username he’s definitely committed!

username boyfriend material idc

pablogavi invite me next time to build flower legos and eat donuts

pedri 😬

username who’s the girlie on the last pic 👀

username okay i didn’t thought anything of it but now i can see he was totally on a date 😭

liked by bffusername, friend1 and others

yourusername home-cooked meal served by us🍝

view all comments

bffusername tell me the truth did you set the kitchen on fire?

yourusername surprisingly i had a very good sous-chef 😁

friend1 lowkey wanna try your home-cooked meal

yourusername i’ll cook something specially for you🤭

friend2 “us” as in…

yourusername 😇

liked by pablogavi, _rl9 and others

pedri working hard 💪🏽

view all comments

username i was not prepared for a thirst trap

username respectfully looking at that second pic

alejandrobalde or hardly working? 🤨

pedri so funny 🙄

username football players have no need to be this hot

fcbarcelona our golden boy🌟

username unfortunately i am down bad crying at the gym after watching these

yourusername ☺️

liked by bffusername, lamineyamal and others

yourusername hot summer nights 🫧

tagged bffusername and friend1

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friend2 hotter than the summer nights 🥵

yourusername stop it 🤭

bffusername see how much fun we have when you don’t cancel our plans 😁

yourusername i said sorry !!! and yes we have fun 🥰

friend1 beautiful pic but you lost all the pool games

bffusername it was sad to watch really

yourusername stop bullying me!

friend3 it’s giving hot girl summer

yourusername 😀

liked by gfusername, ferminlopez and others

pedri back to the routine ⚽️❤️‍🩹

tagged gfusername

view all comments

username he has a girlfriend what 😭

username they broke up for a couple of months but it seems they’re back together now 🤨

username this is so cute 🥰

sergiroberto back at it 💪🏽

username ohhh so that was the girl he was on a date with earlier

username i still like him 😔

username his girlfriend is very pretty tho

username am i crazy or did he called his relationship a “routine” ???

liked by friend2, bffusername and others

yourusername you weren’t mine to lose.

view all comments

bffusername men ain’t worth nothing 🔪

yourusername i might have to agree with you on that one 😔

friend1 nooo what happened to hot girl summer :(

yourusername more like sad girl summer 🤪

friend2 i hope his team loses every title and he gets fired 😁

yourusername first part is already kinda accurate 🤭

friend3 august is our favourite month anyway 💗💗💗

yourusername 😔

[hornydilfsinyourarea]

Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter x Yandere! Male! User

Author's note: Took me a while to make, sorry guys, I made two endings because why the fuck not, the bots are in the same setting, just different out comes and point of views, the Will bot is more focused on you kinda, and the Hannibal bot is more focused on what Hannibal felt through it (there is also a scene where you find out what Hannibal actually said to Will if you look at the Hannibal bot), I was also listening to 'Red Sex' by Vessel while writing both bots- there are a lot of trigger warnings in both bots, so be warned. This is pretty long.

(Will Graham) Scenario: "You… never felt seen, not even once in your life, the kid with eye bags under their eyes, who looked both sad and empty at the same time, quieter than the quiet kid themself, barely even speaking- some didn't even know if you could. After completing high school, and nearly a decade of therapy, you questioned why you even bothered with everything, there was nothing wrong with you. You have seen many therapists, none never saw you… you were sitting in the waiting room for Hannibal- he offered to hold therapy sessions for you, you came early though- While you were looking down, thinking about canceling the session maybe- you suddenly saw too feet come into your view, making you look up- and then… you felt your world stop when you saw him" (Hannibal Lecter) Scenario: "Hannibal saw you, he really did- how could he not? When he heard about you from a colleague, he knew he had to have you as his patient. A poor lonely child… never once feeling seen in their life- with one parent in jail while the other hanged themself, truly tragic, you didn't look like you wanted to die, that much was clear to Hannibal, but he could see… that was a route you were willing to take. Having been alone since you were sixteen, went to a boarding school, no other family left, went to different therapists for almost 10 years, you were getting tired of it, he could see, it was why he was so… fascinated with you, he's surprised you haven't turned out insane after everything- but Hannibal thought too soon, he saw the way you looked at Will Graham, another client of his, the way you barely spoke to him, looking off to the side… a lovesick expression on your face. It saddens Hannibal, why waste your time with someone who only talked to you once? While he was there, trying to make you see that he saw you first, it confused Hannibal. Hannibal even once caught you taking a picture of Will- what else were you doing? Something had changed in you that day you met Will." Warning: NSFW in both, stalking, breaking and entering (implied, but not actually mentioned, I mean, how else did you get inside of Will's house?), taking non-consensual photo/s (nothing sexual- well, depends on you, if you want to be that creepy), User is a Yandere but is written to be more fucked up in the head because of mental illnesses (like Joe Goldberg), User is written to be both possessive and obsessive, user is kind of written to be around mid or late twenties (or 30's, depends on you, user is just not younger than mid or late twenties, that's all), Accidental love confession (Will bot, user receiving), kidnapping (willingly though, Will bot), Hannibal is strangely supportive of your behavior (He even praises you, such a sweet guy), praise kink (Hannibal bot, user receiving), ridning (Hannibal bot), Hannibal dies in the Will bot, but Will dies in the Hannibal bot (You can pick which one you end up with, unfortunately you can't end up with both... yet), Hannibal might just take advantage of your possessiveness and eagerness (like subtly telling you about someone he hates, basically manipulating you into thinking they need to die), Soft/Gentle! Dom! Hannibal? (He still a bottom tho, so is Will), user is written in a style that they are socially awkward (or have social anxiety) and have attachment issues (meaning they can easily attach themself to someone who shows them basic affection, like what Will did), I think this is all, please do tell me if I missed a warning- Please remember I do NOT condone in this kind of behavior nor the acts done in these bots

Who do you think sees you?

Will- "I see you" Hannibal- "He never saw you, did he?"

^link to bot^ ^link to bot^

[momaphobic]

Random thoughts about Aphmaus Fanbase circa 2015-2018ish, MCD & Mystreet,internet culture around that time

Like most people on the internet I want to share my thoughts on something I am very passionate about

My thoughts on MCD

When it comes to MCD I truly love the story and was upset when she ended it in 2017 but know that i look back on it i understand why people were upset with the aph x garroth or aph x laurance because it did seemed very rushed thru/incomplete and due to aphmau recieveing mass amounts of hate im sure that didnt help either ,which i understand why someone would be upset about a ship they very much enjoy and it not being canon but what i dont understand is why people were saying horrible things to aphmau for their ship not being canon ( i mean srsly was it ever that big of a deal?) , but i feel like people got so focused on the ships in MCD it completely overshadowed the main story

Aphmau Fanbase 2015-2018ish

i always see tons of people online saying they were huge fans of mcd and mystreet and dont understand why she cancelled it/huge change of content and I have a theory about this kind of. I feel like the fandom at this point was split really into two main age groups 8-12 and 15-18, I know that doesnt seem like a huge age differnce in groups but I was around 7-10 When i first started watching aphmau and was not really aware of the situation going on (probably due to the fact that most of it was address on platforms like insta,twitter and a maybe few live streams on yt and i didnt rly know how to have a social media like back then) so when all the rumors that aphmau had dealt with in the past had resurfaced recently this was my first time hearing about them despite being in the fandom since 2014-15. Hearing about how Aphmau had to deal with all that unnecessary hate absolutely broke me knowing how a few people probably ruined a fandom and how we might never actually get a finished story is very sad but also Aphmau’s content now is very targeted towards children and understanding why she changed her content is her way of still being able to do what she loved and while avoiding hate

Internet culture around this time

I know internet culture sounds weird but i would say 2010-2019/20 i feel like the internet was still kind of like a town in the middle of the midwest like slightly deserted but enough human life to have small communities around ( most the time communities involving alt fashion,video games, just “nerdy” hobbies, also,unfortunately,a bunch of very triggering stuff being highlighted and glamorized(this was probably more around 2007-10 tho)) the most recent example i can think of is tiktok when tiktok first got put in place i very much remeber furry,gamers and cosplayers getting along and their being a social consequences when someone was outed for being a not so good person or just being a bully. Nowadays I cant imagine someone saying those things to aphmau and getting away with it considering how people will dig thru a influencers past internet history and find things from 10yrs ago im sure people would be able to find some random leaving hateful messages towards her and telling them to stop or sending a bunch of comments n messages to them

This is totally a rant post lol Ive just been thinking alot abt the whole situation since they have announced mystreet season 7 and im very excited for the future of mystreet and aphmaus roleplays and im hoping for a little bit more accountability in the fandom so we dont repeat the past. if u made it this far sorry if nothing makes sense its 4am 😭 and i needed to write out my thoughts or i was gunna go crazy. Goodnight yall 🤩🤩😛😛

[nipahnan]

What was it like moving from Germany to Japan? Did you ever travel to Japan before the move?

What are the cultural differences like?

Im so sorry, I only saw the notification for this ask now! T.T

The move was awful, i contacted around 11 different moving companies that send stuff overseas and none of them replied at all... So I still have 80% of my stuff in my parents apartment in Germany because I couldn’t send any of it here and now I’m currently trying to send whatever I can via mail. It’s sad because all my furniture just won’t be able to get send so I have to buy everything new which is just such a hassle (-_-｡)

I was about to visit Japan in 2019 and even had the flight booked, but then the pandemic happened and everything was canceled. And in 2022 I felt the most depressed I’ve ever did and just decided to quit my job and move into my, at the time, fiancés apartment because nothing I did in Germany was working out or making me happy. And I just really wanted to live with my partner. But to be honest I would have never made such a rash decision like that if I wouldn’t have felt like what I’m doing is the correct thing. But even so, I truly regret doing it out of the blue without any serious preparation and know-how. Everything was very confusing and I had missing documents for the marriage, so that was a very stressful time. I can only recommend always researching everything you need to do before moving and not being like me xD

The cultural differences are insane!

People are way kinder than in Germany, especially in the last few years I’ve noticed just how melancholic life in Germany is and how everyone is just always in a bad mood. You barely hear a „hello/good morning“ or „good day“ or a „sorry/thank you“ but here it feels mandatory to be as respectful as possible. Now I do have to say tho that it also definitely depends on where in Japan you live. I currently live in the Kansai region after having lived in the Chūbu region, and the differences are also like night and day. Two weeks ago I had to travel back to Nagoya to pick up my new visa and I immediately thought to myself „Jesus, I want to the back in Kansai…“. Like the whole vibe was completely different and the energies were so off! So far I definitely believe that Kansai people are the most energetic, open, kind and happy looking people I’ve seen in Japan. One thing I noticed tho, is that no matter where, it’s very common for people to just push you to the side or walk in front of you instead of asking you to make space which annoys the hell out of me. Idk what’s the reason for that but it seems like that’s the only time people aren’t polite and just don’t care. The amount of times especially men and older people have pushed me to the side is not even countable with both hands (＾＾；)

But overall I definitely prefer how people behave in Japan, living amongst each other just feels so much nicer and more like a community to me.

Hope I managed to answer your questions as good as possible and thank you so much for asking these things! (´∀｀)♡

[nugulover69]

Hello! Hope you’re having a great day ✌️

Came to say thank you for your tokupostings, always fun and incredible, definitely storing a lot of stuff in my memory vocabulary salad and some pictures to my phone.

Have nothing substantial to ask but really having “there should more kusakapostings day”. Saw the screens from that Movie I’ll probably not watch and “Kusaka” saying he and Takumi were friends which is a theme sometimes. For some reason. The intricacies of a relationship that are so beautiful and fucking stupid. Tbh I’m always wondering if Takumi hated him as much as fandom says he did, I blacked out whole Faizwatching. Frankly tho, don’t care that much and thinking about this from your reblog instead:

That one promotional series where moe hag Takumi is obsessed with new fish Mari found and Kusaka who just pours water on him… the worst domesticity known to man, incredible actually? And no one will talk about it. Haven’t watched second part so the thought of Kusaka killing new fish Takumi actually likes and then gaslighting him, idk, something something domestic toxic yaoi something something need more funny takusaka jokes in my life

Also I find the fact the person behind Kusaka Evil Rap original song is trans so amazing, the full circle of life

Thank uuuu I like knowing my posting can change someone’s speech irreparably lol

Everyone should be thankful that I’m more of a sentai guy than a rider guy and that Faiz is a bad shitty ass show instead of a good show. If either of these scenarios were the opposite, you’d all unfollow me for yapping abt my ugly-hot cancelled wife too much

I’ll admit my memory of Faiz isn’t the best either bc I binged it in a week while on spring break. My college-fried brain wasn’t in the best condition to try and absorb the utter nonsense that unfolded before my eyes. That and I watched it with the shitty TVN subs bc the better updated subs didn’t exist at that time. Even when I rewatched a bunch of episodes for “finding good clips to make gifs out of for Kusaka Day purposes” (with the better subs too), I still could not tell you the plot. incomprehensible show but it is funny bad for the most part

It’ll never not be weird to me that every subsequent piece of Faiz and Faiz-related media keeps INSISTING that Takumi and Kusaka are besties actually bc ???? no they weren’t? Like okay they warmed up to each other a lil bit by the end of Faiz, Takumi was sad when he found Kusaka’s soot remains after all, but I’d sooner define them as “begrudging allies against the same threat” than “friends”. All of this is def bc Kento Handa and Kohei Murakami are shoot besties irl, sang a gay ass duet of Justiφ's and everything. they willed their incorrect yaoi into existence, fudanshi gods I think

Maaaaaybe I could buy that Takumi thinks of Kusaka as a friend after a lot of time has passed, having matured out of his edgy emo teenager phase. EXCEPT Paradise Regained went “Takumi is still a whiny brooding lil baby even at 40” so fuck my drag ig (these two literally share like 2 minutes of screen time together in PR btw)

Also in PR the fact that KUSAKA is the one saying “oh we were such good friends weh” is even more egregious. This man, had he lived just a lil longer in the og show, was this 🤏 close to inventing a new slur for Takumi. He would NEVER call that bitchass wolf his friend

I didn’t watch the Murder Case two episode bonanza bc Paradise Regained winded me. I just saw someone else post caps of Takumi cooing at a plastic fish and thought “man they just let Inoue do whatever the fuck, he’s truly living the writers dream”

Honestly though I’m up for fully ignoring established canon bc the concept of bitter old married couple Takumi and Kusaka is in fact very funny to me. When Takumi jokes abt the old ball and chain, Kusaka comes up from behind and nails him in the cock with an actual ball and chain. Faiz has always been comedy actually Inoue has been playing 5D chess with us for two decades now

It is so funny how that rap perfectly suited Kusaka, like it wasn’t made for him but it just feels like it was. paper-mario-wiki truly the best to ever do it on this webbed site

[gaykey]

Hello!!

i'm not wildly invested in this whole key situation(s) but i've just seen so many posts about it and i was curious about your response as you've been very vocal within this discussion haha (pls read this ask in a nice chatty tone, not an argumentative one!). and sorry for the massive text below, you don't have to answer this ask if you don't wanna <3

But, i feel like a lot of the things ppl have gotten angry at key for lately are to a degree unavoidable for him. Like the m*donalds thing: i thought he'd signed an exclusive contract with them way before people starting caring that the chain was in support of isrl. He can't exactly back out of it? i also heard the general opinions of ppl in korea are pretty apathetic towards the current conflict (tho that is it's own conversation) and are unlikely to consider how supporting a brand would impact the situation. it's a lot to expect the average person to display overt political reactions when the conversations they're hearing don't influence their respective communities. Take us, for ex: we wouldn't be as opinionated about this if the spaces we occupy online weren't as vocal as they are. i know the ppl i meet irl don't really talk about it much, who's to say the ppl he knows talk about it? Just a general observation, not an "excuse" for their apathy rly. I just don't see a possibility of him cancelling his contract with them, to sum things up.

As for the Hyuna thing: he's still a person and a celebrity. It's not really like he can just suddenly go public at exclaim to the world how little he wants to associate with her. A response from him would only make the matter worse really, no? He would offend a lot of personal and public people whom he needs to associate with regularly. It would impact his group (shine as a whole) and all the people he works with (like I live alone/amazing saturday casts/etc) and the multitude of brands he is the face of. It's a huge cost to take a stance on a conversation he didn't start (cause hyuna brought it up, not him right? -- sry i don't know much i could be wrong!!). i feel his silence on the matter makes more sense then acknowledging the issue - as sad as that is. and if they have been close firends for years, is it not alot to ask him to drop all contact forever? <perhaps a controversial question, but i would not so readily throw away my own friends. I would hope they come to their senses and/or i'd find a way to make them lol

as for the colorist comments... yeah, that's a long conversation. i'm glad he apologized and has decidedly not said anything like that since..? bare minimum, but don't have much to say on this aspect. he said something truly nasty, but acknowledged it and the harm it did at least.

Just in general, i feel a lot of what he's getting slack for are out of his control and not necessarily indicative of who he is as a person. There is so much ambiguity to how he must behave given his career, it feels like his lack of response(s) are fairly justifiable. Shinee has been trying so hard lately to become as relevant as possible so they can compete with newer generations of kpop. I don't see him realistically putting that at risk. But, perhaps i'm wrong! who knows!

i've thought long and hard about this ask, which is why i left it a little while, because tbh, i do think you have some points. i'll be so real with you though, i've had some wine tonight, so this might not be the best time to reply to this, buuut here i am

so.

kibum is the kind of person, though incredibly professional, has always spoken out when he thinks something is wrong, or if there has been injustice. he's not the type to hold his tongue. he, on many occasions, has spoken out against the company HE IS STILL CONTRACTED WITH.

i get not being able to brush off hyuna on national tv-

i get maaaaybe be tied to a contract you can't get out of (though it was established that he very much could have if he wanted to)-

i even forgave him for his ignorant & shitty colourist comments-

but what about his behavior since?

key, who is well-known for not giving a fuck about the 'idol image', who has spoken out against his company, the industry...has had nothing to say.

he could have NOT signed up for more contracts with shitty israel supporting companies, he could have given a statement in regards to hyuna, he could have been outspoken about donating to charities and fundraisers aiding palestinians, and the cause?

and yes, i know the other members have not either, as well as many other idols, but, i don't think it's crazy of me to think that DUE to the shit he's done over the last few months, he should be held MORE accountable in a way?

i don't think it's a wild concept to expect these people to have basic good morals?????

non eof this was out of his control. these idols are more than gold enough at controling their image when they want tl.

[mchiti]

The American black and white thinking is so crazy and the worst part is that it seems like it’s infecting every online space. Like even for minor things like football opinions or music/film reviews you see it. It’s even worse when it’s serious things like what’s happening with Liam. I’m 100% convinced that if Britney Spears were going through her breakdown today, young “progressive” Americans would try to find some problematic thing she said or did to justify bullying her. They like to pretend that they’re better than previous generations but they’re not, they just their cruelty under a progressive veneer.

right? ... just to give you an idea one of my fave korean artists had a minor incident months ago, he fell off an electric scooter by himself (was proceeding pretty slow on the cycle lane and all). he had drank something tho (not much but right enough to exceed) and so had his license revoked and a whole mess followed. now you would expect south korean media to be quite harsh on it because artists there are supposed to be perfect 24/7 (it's ugly but it is what it is) but if you go on certain dominantly american sites (redd*t, ohnoth*ydidnt, any other gossipy-starbiz dedicated forum like that) is full of american lashing their cruelty because "well doesn't matter it was an e-scooter, still ugly, still fucked up, still messed from him, so fuck him, there's no excuse for..." and fuck him fuck him fuck him etc.

like bruh at some point we need to address this toxicity for real and when I say it is embedded in their culture it's because it truly is. USA literally created a bipartisan system, they only have two political parties competing, they divided the whole world into the good side (them + the west) and the bad (ussr + allies) and they keep doing it now (christians vs muslims, west vs east, capitalism vs communism, conservatism vs progress...). it's a very pragmatic culture after all, always has been. you either do good or you do bad, you're either socially acceptable or you're fucked. one single mistake, one single word said wrong and you're fucked for life. this punitive thinking dressed as being progressive and woke... when in fact it sounds pretty fascist to me. extremely fascist.

of course not all americans are like that but in general I don't think usa (and in a minor stance the brits tbh) ever got rid of their inner catholic puritanism tbh. Human beings are complicated and complex and nuanced and deep and sometimes contradictory. they can be beautiful, they can also be terrible, but they are still humans. Cancelling someone over one single word out of place or one single mistake...of course in the case of LP he did way more than that. Of course he had to pay. but what part of me showing some sadness for a young life ended like that means siding with the "oppressor" ? all these big words pronounced and not an once of empathy towards anything or anyone. what world is this really? might work in the individualist capitalist bubble they live in but I'm not into that.

[nikrei]

November Comics Round-Up

Lets goooo!! Starting out with the Fourth World we love to see it!!

Action Comics (409-443) (1972-1975)

Action is starting to use characters and events from Superman and vice versa! Exciting to see. Attention! Issue 440 has Krypto & Green Arrow backup! Important! He's lost his memories and Dinah names him Demian! He's extremely cute!

Superman (248-283) (1972-1975)

They really doubled down on the "every six years on their birthday kryptonians go thru The Agonies due to cultural sadness reasons" But! We do now know that Kal's kryptonian birthday is the 35th of Eorx, and Clark's earth birthday is June 18th! Also we've gotten more into the significance of headbands on krypton, but it is specifically noted as a gender neutral origin (this is important for future reasons).

Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen (140-163) (1971-1974)

Holy shit they revived Lucy Lane as an old lady with like three issues left to go what. Okay two issues to go and they deaged her again (but kept the silver hair) (but she still dumped him). Also, there's a "Jimmy had doubles" storyline and it's like everyone has forgot that there was quite a large storyline just two years ago about Jimmy and and his clones. Luthor is explaining what a clone is all over again. The end of the Jimmy Olsen run! They deffo were not expecting it, there was a blurb for "find out in future issues". Overall I'd say that it's a pretty unnecessary read, except for the Kirby bits, unless you really want a Jimmy deep dive. You get a good view of Jimmy as a man of action which isn't really obvious in the main super comics.

Forever People (1-11) (1971-1972)

I have solidified Forever People as my fave part of fourth world (I love u Scott and Barda, but!) Like, sure the storylines are sorta disjointed, and there's an odd little Deadman detour, but I love these kids so much, they are my children!

New Gods (1-11) (1971-1972)/Even Gods Must Die! (1984)/The Hunger Dogs (1985)

Last time I was reading the fourth world, I didn't realize that the 84 run was just reprints with the concluding chapter at the end, so I read it a couple of months after the rest of new gods. It does indeed make more sense when you read it as a part of new gods. Also this is the first time that I've read hunger dogs, and it was fun in that apocryphal way. It is being sad about Essak hours tho!

Mister Miracle (1-18) (1971-1974)

A little after I read this i was watching a truly iconic piece of 90s television that explains how magic tricks work, and everytime they did an escape trick I was like "escape trick?? Like my boy? This is just like my boy!" Of course Barda and Oberon are better assistants than all of those dancing skinny goths combined, so there is that. Shilo is my baby boy, and it got me excited all over again that he becomes Mr Miracle in the early 90s.

Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane (119-137) (1972-1974)

I'm really liking the thorn and rose backups and how they often cross over a bit with lois's own adventures. 1972 sees Lois quitting the planet to be a freelance writer after Lucy is revealed to be working for the 100 (!!) and dies (!?!?!). They also put her into a roommate situation with three other women which does have its moments (and also it's bads, 70s stop being fatphobic challenge). There's something really fucked up about Lucy being brought back to life in Jimmy and never showing up in Lois. And with that its the end of the Lois Lane solo! For this one at least they new the end was coming, with a note for lois showing up in the super family mag.

Supergirl (1-10) (1973-1974)

Kara goes to gradschool! She's got into a drama program at a place near San Francisco! This makes sooo much more sense rereading it after reading the rest of supergirl's history!

Superman Family (164-174) (1974-1976)

Okay I am eating my words re: Jimmy getting canceled, this superfam run takes up where his left off at issue 164. Also, I am getting slightly annoyed about everyone jerking Kara around meta-wise. She went to undergrad for ??? (never revealed) got a job as a camera operator for a news show, then they dropped that for her solo, putting her in a graduate drama program and now that her solo's over she's getting a job as a highschool advisor??? And wanting to quit being supergirl with absolutely minimal lead up. Like... have even an ounce of consistency for her! Lena is back though! So she still exists! Then, extremely confusingly the issue after her issue Jimmy has to deal with a small blond psychic boy named Val, who, despite all these traits being exactly the same, is Not Lena's son Val. (Btw Lucy has not showed back up)

World's Finest Comics (210-227) (1972-1975)

I'm generally pretty lukewarm about the imaginary superman jr and batman jr stories... but man.... 222 was one of the grossest, most racist things I've ever read. Its like. Bad bad. Bob Haney when I get you.....

Superboy (182-206) (1972-1975)

Superboy has become comboed with the Legion! Very fun, I like that the members are actually calling each other by name now, too. Also I love Luornu's wedding outfit it's awesome. They just killed off Lyle, what?? Hey. Hey hey hey. As long as we are talking about cloning ethics. What the fuck. Superboy 206 what the fuck.

Adventure Comics (415-437) (1972-1975)

This has gone from Supergirl to an anthology once more! Got to see the origin of black orchid, then it went to Spectre stories with aquaman backups. The Spectre is soooo fun these days he's murdering anyone in horrifying new ways all the time! Garth is still nameless, but the artist is also drawing him like he's 30 (I'm so sorry buddy go back to Scotland).

The Brave and the Bold (100-116) (1972-1975)

Batman gets shot in the heart and is inches from death in one issue and it literally is never mentioned again that's the biggest issue i have with this series is that they know it has a low readership compared to the flagship titles so basically nothing that happens in them matters except maybe to the supporting character with no regular mag appearances. Okay, now a few issues later he's been shot in the chest AGAIN and also has sold his soul to the devil?? And the devil is maybe Hitler?? Buddy.... comics.... what.

Teen Titans (38-42) (1972-1973)

Okay, Garth is at college near Loch Ness and he's wearing a kilt as part of the uniform and i don't care if this is never ever mentioned again this is a cornerstone Garth moment for me. I've made it to the TT hiatus! Things don't quite line up right timeline wise, but I actually put snowbirds don't fly here as far as TT goes. It just makes sense for me that there is just one more support system ended as part of Roy's spiral. I sorta sorta head cannon that he started with painkillers a while back, and then after the peace prize winner is killed that spiraled into more serious use and maybe even starting the heroin, then things get a little better in the Jupiter era when they give themselves their uniforms back, but then they fall apart/drift away and he super falls apart, cause Ollie has gone off at the same time.

The Phantom Stranger (18-34) (1972-1975)

Love that Cassandra and the Stranger have adopted Tannerac as their pet villain and he's just like ??? ??? about everything they do, like hold his hand and save his life. I cannot believe that not one issue after I was getting all excited about this polycule they killed off Tannerac and sent off Cassandra believing that the stranger was dead too. Can't have shit in DC. Now its more and more it's falling into "satanic panic was right" bullshit I'm so tired.

All-Star Western/Weird Western Tales (10-33) (1972-1976)

Little known fact, ever since I first saw the Jonah Hex episode of BtAS I have been low-key obsessed with him, so now I'm picking up the Hex run! Jonah is the OG tsundere it is absolutely ridiculous I love him. I can't believe they have him a wolf buddy and then killed him off not two issues later, so rude. Also, El Diablo is here too, but this ain't about him. So Jonah wears the confederate uniform but also it was teased for a while that he betrayed them in a big way, leading to a large union victory, but honestly I thought that the reveal of what actually happened was pretty.... lukewarm. I know mainstream opinions on the civil war were way more forgiving back then but it was still disappointing.

Shazam! (1-16) (1973-1975)

Excited for Billy time!! V amused that the 20 year break in comics is an in-universe 20 year break as well, with the Marvels and the Sivanas on suspended animation. It is disappointing that it's aimed at younger audiences and is determined to ape the golden age storytelling as well as art.

And that's that for November. Did I think that I had an extra day? Yes. And I Do Not, so here's how the spreadsheet is looking now:

[lollytea]

Today, on SoBBoB (I guess???? I’ll think of a better term for the AU):

Willow, literally experimenting to see if a boy likes her and thinking about kissing him and essentially rubbing her scent on him: Yeah no I don’t have a crush on him anymore this is just for funsies

Incredible as always, the crushing yearning is really good for my mental health 🥲👍✨ Love your work!!!

THANK YOU!! I appreciate it!! So very very much!!

Agsvdjnk I don't tend to use acronyms much so I've just been calling it the beast fic. Tho YEAH I did realize a few days ago that it's Sob Bob. That's so funny, who is Bob? Why must he sob?

I love Willow in this fic, she is truly going through it. She prides herself on being able to control her emotions. It's one of the main things fueling her confidence. She decided to be like "Okay!! No more yearning!! Crush cancelled. Hunter who??" because it was making her sad because she wanted to prove to herself that she could. That she was strong enough to switch off emotions that she thinks are pathetic.

But....she can't...but if she acknowledged that to herself then she would have to admit that she doesn't have as much control over herself as she thought she did. And that's a very concerning realization. So she's just subconsciously ignoring it so she can have some peace of mind.

[hangesextra]

I remember I was laying on the couch in need of a new thing to love. It was January 27th 2023, and I was bored. I was going to go to my school's play in a bit before. I was on Instagram and saw some poster for a new show. I didn't think much of it, but looked again. I was like "Hmm that looks interesting." and I went to look it up. I found the idea more interesting. So after the play when I got home, I went and started the first episode.

Somehow, I automatically grew to love the series. It was that one thing I didn't know I needed. And I was so into the series, I loved every part of it. After watching the show, I know I had to read the books, and I did. I LOVED the books. I was so excited for the rest of the story in the show, I was so hopeful for a 2nd season.

But just today we got the news. The show was canceled, and I'm so sad about it. Like seriously, this series idk, I loved it and still do. It snuck up on me, Creeping straight into one of my favorite series ever.

I'm so mad at Netflix for this. They canceled such a good show and I despise that. But I do want to say, I'm so glad I had the chance to find the show. There was so much love and passion put into the show by Complete Fiction and their crew. The set, all of it. The casting was AMAZING, Ali, Ruby & Cameron just stole the show. They brought these wonderfully written characters to life. And Jonathan Stroud, who wrote this incredible series. I was blown away by all of it.

This has become my comfort series and it will stay my comfort series. It feels like a home somehow? I love it so much. <3

I just want to say tho, please I don't want to see this fandom die. It's an incredible fandom with such amazing people, who I'm so glad I met. You all make me smile and laugh. I love talking to everyone and sharing my ideas with fans who get it.

I want to still continue to do that, I've never really felt like I've belonged, but this fandom has been so welcoming, and truly I feel like I belong in this online community.

Let's continue making content and not die out, just bc stupid asf Netflix canceled it, doesn't mean we can't still love the series. Also let's hope another service can get the rights to show so we can MAYBE get another season.

[soft4gguk]

hii tessa <333 if you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with anxiety (i hope you don't have any tho just curious)

hiiii <3333 I don't mind you asking at all!! also I do have it. I have it a lot! lmaoo. I think my first advice would be to go to therapy if you have access to it. it truly does help. but! even if you do go to therapy, there's so much that you do end up having to deal with on your own so I have my little list of thing i do to ease it so here u go :)

journaling. I cannot stress this enough, my journal has saved my life. I like to do morning pages, which basically means that I write three pages of uninterrupted stream of consciousness upon waking up. before screen time, before coffee, before I can even pee sometimes lol.

writing down the good and the bad and the in-between. this is an extension to journaling but my therapist tells me this all the time. sometimes I feel like only certain things are worth writing about (i.e. being very happy, being very sad) but the truth is that anxiety is a side effect of a trigger, and triggers don't always come with a warning, or even an explanation, but the more you dissect your thoughts, the more you get to know yourself and so the better you becoming at soothing yourself when faced with anxiety, panic, depression etc.

sour candy and cold showers. anything that sends a shock to your brain and distracts it lol.

but also!!! sweet treats and warm showers. self care!! anything that makes you feel like you're giving yourself time. even doing your makeup in the morning, if you do it consciously enough not just like another thing you have to do, can feel extremely loving and kind to yourself. and it distracts you from the bad and makes you focus on the good. I hope this makes sense!! I know sometimes its hard to even get out of bed, let alone do your makeup!! but if it's something you enjoy then try and remind yourself why it is you enjoy it so much when you don't have anxiety blocking you from doing it!

exercise. I HATE THAT THIS IS TRUE LOL. now listen. I've always loved running. I've always been a runner! I did track in high school, I went on runs for fun on a Saturday morning, like running was always my thing. but in the peak of my anxiety I strayed away from it so bad. I don't know why? I started going to pilates... now this is the thing. I don't hate pilates. pilates is great but it's basically strength training. and you often have to follow a class. and it used to make me so ACHY. like when I tell you I often hated being in class and doing the exercises and it never ever became like satisfactory. lmao. and I felt like it wasn't really releasing the dopamine running used to and so that's when I learned about a little thing called CORTISOL and how high intensity training can RAISE IT and make you feel EVEN MORE LETHARGIC because you're putting your body through STRESS. when I tell you I gasped. I was literally giving myself more anxiety lol. so I cancelled my pilates subscription (this was so badass and liberating) and I got a gym membership and I started walking on the treadmill (WALKING IS GREAT!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RUN LET ME EMPHASIZE THIS AND MAKE IT LOUD AND CLEAR!!!) (matter of fact! walking can be even BETTER for lowering cortisol, specially if you have a uterus and crazy hormones!! lol. and it's such great exercise that helps you body and mind!!!!) and then... I started running in intervals. like I would walk for 15, run for 15, etc. and now that's my workout!! I walk/run in the gym. or outside if the heat allows!! and it's really helped. I think the reason why this helps with anxiety is because I am left alone with my thoughts, yes. but my body is releasing the famous "feel-good-hormones" everyone talks about when it comes to exercise and, you guessed it, sex! so I think happy, giddy thoughts. lol.

lists. whenever I have anxiety I make one of two lists. a gratitude list (sometimes I have anxiety because I think life is bad and that something bad is going to happen and its all bad, bad, bad) so a gratitude list helps me remember that it's not all bad. and that there's a lot of good to rejoice in. and then the second one is a to-do list (sometimes I have anxiety because I have so much to do and I get overwhelmed and feel like doing NOTHING because I don't know where to start) so a to-do list helps me get my thoughts organised. also the feeling of ticking the boxes off is so satisfying. I am driven by reward lol.

everything's going to be okay. we get so caught up in feeling bad that we often don't like to remind ourselves this because we're used to suffering. and in its discomfort, we find it comforting. but everything's going to be okay. I never know how, but all I know is that it always is.

I love you!! be kind and soft to yourself, however that looks like for you. xo <333

[mayasdeluca]

I've been getting into 911 lately and it's a good show I dont want to hate it even tho I might be a little bit bitter and I really dont appreciate some of the fans dissing st19 but the show from what I've seen is really good. I've only seen parts of it but maddie's sl abt her abusive husband was so sad and intense and the tsunami episode OH MY GOD that was INCREDIBLE I have no idea how they managed to film all that but it looked amazing (even tho i didnt know you got tsunamis in california)

Yeah I've had very mixed feelings ever since the cancellation happened because it truly was one of my favorite shows before this whole mess started and I still very much enjoy it. It's just hard not to feel a certain type of way about it coming to ABC and taking Station 19's time slot and getting all this attention and getting renewed while Station 19 gets treated like shit. But ultimately that's not the show's fault specifically and moreso ABC and in my opinion Ryan Murphy and his connections to people at ABC so...I'm still trying to enjoy it because it was something I truly enjoyed beforehand. The fandom is definitely pissing me off though but I only follow a few people and try to stay removed from it as much as possible.

They've had some really great storylines and amazing calls. The tsunami arc is my favorite!! (I do have a weird fascination with tsunamis so that's also part of it lol) I thought it was so well done. I think it's rare for tsunamis to happen in California but it's possible!