#truly a manic woman if I do say so myself

[pearlyscribbles]

Women who can(will) kill you

[justcantquinn]

i have a hard time with my sexuality because there are times when i am the horniest woman alive and times, like now, when nothing has stirred me in that way for weeks on end. i can't even get excited when i try. i well and truly feel, in this moment, asexual. completely and utterly. but i also feel weird saying that because i know that it's not an all-the-time thing.

part of it is for sure linked to my bipolar disorder. one of my manic symptoms is hypersexuality. but then, yanno, my hypersexuality is pretty standard for a lot of people. i sometimes wonder if i would feel this asexual all of the time if i weren't bipolar. as it is, i spend at least half my time in a state i would call "almost completely or completely asexual."

i would likely say that i'm at least somewhat demisexual. when i was with my last girlfriend, i was hornier than i thought was humanly possible. yanno, sometimes. not that we ever did anything about it. she had a hard time getting riled up, too, and when i told her i though i might be demi, she said she related to a lot of my reasons.

i have, on occasion, called myself acespec. i always felts dirty about it, like i'm stealing all the ace from the actual asexuals, but it's times like these that make me think i shouldn't feel so dirty. i'm a twenty-five year old woman who hasn't had any sexual feelings whatsoever for two months now. i opened up some ~adult content~ (porn) the other day to see if i couldn't get something started, then i got bored and went back to doing math (ya).

so, idk. i love women and they're beautiful and gorgeous and i want them to kiss me, sure, but, like, idk. if i find a stunning naked woman lying on my bed, the first thing i'd do at this point is give her a sweater.

[vuutarros]

*sigh* Can't sleep...

My brain won't stop, keeps obsessing, in what could be described as a compulsive manner, as if I have some sort of disorder. Am I a good person? Or am I secretly a horrible person?

3:00 am: I lay cradled in her arms, safe, loved and at home. "Love, am I a good person?" Asked desperately, afraid of the answer to come. The truth that, no, I am a horrible, cruel, selfish bitch, wholly irredeemable, completely unlovable. But what comes instead is a sleepy, "my love, you are one of the best people I know. You get so upset with yourself when you are not able to give a homeless person a whole twenty dollar bill. You are a good person." Oh no. How have I lied to her, fooled her so completely that she actually believes that? How could I be so horrible, that I'd convince her of something so obviously untrue? "Okay," I say quietly, "thank you..."

5:00 am: Sleep eludes me still, thoughts churn in the silence, recriminations for heinous, unforgivable actions past: cruel words spilled carelessly; bigotry learned in the church pew, passing through lips as though the gospel truth; insults and jibes tossed by a quick mouth with a wickedly sharp tongue, tearing down "friends" in moments of frustration; petty cruelty upon petty cruelty. Truly, these are sins that will damn me forever, regardless of the fact that I turned my back on a church that taught me so much hatred in the guise of "love" when I grew tired and disillusioned by all the petty backstabbing and infighting that Christ's loving children did to each other weekly, while claiming moral superiority in his name. Damned no matter how hard I try to be kind, caring, compassionate, because now it's all an act, obviously. That cruel boy? He is who I truly am. There is no escaping this truth. The kind woman is a lie.

6:00 am: Still, my mind refuses to quiet. "Love, are you still awake? I'm sorry you're having so much trouble sleeping..." She says this with such a sleepy, caring voice. I sigh as I try to find the words to explain, "it's stuck on a loop. I am a horrible person. I cannot get it to stop." "We've been over this, you are th-" "I know, but, obviously, I must have you so fooled, that you can't see the truth. Oh, I know, that's just my brain lying to me. Again, as it loves to do. I know this. I am screaming this to myself. But it doesn't help..." I need to sleep. Sleep will... for lack of better words, force a reset. Sleep will break the loop and allow me some peace. For a time, at least. But the loop is preventing sleep. I must wait until my body can finally override my brain, until the exhaustion exceeds the insomnia.

My brain has been my worst enemy this week. I'm finally free of the horrible roommate. But each morning I am manic and hyper, yet unable to accomplish anything. Then the mania ends, only here for an hour, maybe two, and then it's the come down and I'm depressed and listless for the rest of the day. I know this is my brain's way of resetting and purging after all the stress and anxiety of living with the horrible roommate for so long (three and half months? That's it?! But it felt like years), but goddess, I am dreading consciousness each day. Yet, I cannot sleep forever. I cannot even sleep tonight. Hopefully, it will be only a few more days and I'll regain an even keel.

[sunnyanddumb98]

FERNANDA

I would love to be a girly girly,

Girl dinner and girl math.

But I'm a chancha woman—

I was born like that.

It's me, the tonkatsu and the prosciutto.

I grunt, I smell, my vagina farts.

I feel disgusted by many things—

You, you Sir; among them.

Reading fiction, poetry nonetheless.

For breakfast: Monster drink and Marlboros.

It's vape to gouache, pretentious brat

Asking for tips in your barista gig,

Never working a day in your life.

I sleep at 9 p.m. or in the morning rain.

There's a cucumber

That I used to please myself,

Collecting dust and mold under my bed.

I eat a lot, fry many things.

And since this is not Stars Hollow,

I'm overweight.

Crazy woman, in the line—

Manic Pixie Dream girls can wait.

I'm convinced I'm not ugly.

In consequence, men are all pedophiles.

I could be weird,

But I don't have the time.

There's an office to attend—

Reality TV won't watch itself.

I could do so and them, participants of fun, scripted play,

Surgically enhanced lover boys and girls.

Truly, child's play.

I would have them working on something productive in a day.

I could pull any of them,

Get them in my bed, make them scream for help,

If the right moment, the right place,

And if I feel like it.

Chancha woman, once a communist,

A liberal and a fighter.

But they are also pigs, so I left.

Mustaches and mullets with a taste

For fiscal paradise and tender meat.

So I just lay in shit all day

And watch my girls.

Angry at them,

I'm jealous and vain.

I don't act upon it—

Critical thinking skills

Just don't go away.

But like an IV drip, I watch, one by one,

All the girl's enthusiasm wash away,

Numbing me, wishing it would stop.

I'm a woman; I like kids.

I just don't like it when they cry or scream.

Mostly, I like their dads—the married ones.

When they eventually break my heart,

I could say how they told me lies.

I just don’t know why life works for them all.

But I would never walk away, I'm too empathetic.

I haven’t had any luck with roommates,

Or partners,

Or girlfriends,

Or parents.

They never appreciated me,

Always abused my kindness,

When all I do is care for them,

Give them my all.

I just ask them to be there

And not talk stupid shit—

Stupid songs,

Stupid movies.

No one is competent, and no one has taste.

And they get to be offended.

I just wish they’d love me.

Why do I have to mourn miserable souls that will never be happy?

Fated

But I was not born a girl—

I was a woman from the beginning.

[boobblog]

The In Between

It was a dark and stormy night, just kidding, but seriously. The storm just wasn't outside, it was in me. Insert feelings here, all of them, at the same time. The time from diagnosis to surgery is a journey. But not a cute one. I would compare this to Frodo climbing Mordor, everyday, from the bottom. Some days he gets further than others, but he always ends up back on his ass looking up at the big scary thing, intimidated, and scared to death. Not figuratively either...

There's a song by Phoebe Star, Lavendar Scars. It's hauntingly beautiful, and one of the lyrics is about the depths of despair. If I had a way of describing my mood during this time, this sums it up.

This is where my trauma comes into play...y'all still won't get the whole tea though. I'm not interested in destroying some of y'alls reality.

The problem for me is that my brain lacks specific chemicals to properly file away memories, this means I have an unrealistic view of situations at times. Knowing I cannot trust my thoughts at all times has been a struggle on it's own. I'm incredibly smart, not to brag, but objectively, so I compensated and created a safety net of sorts. It tells me when I'm safe and keeps me from doing certain things it thinks will be harmful. Unfortunately, the trauma I have experienced came from the hands of people. People I trusted. So how do you learn to trust strangers charged with making sure you don't die?

You give up.

I don't give up. I have been placed in a car and told to drive across the country with my kid and 3 suitcases, and I still fought. Because at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. But I didn't have a choice and was forced to start over. Again. I did it though, and did it well. I could give it all up everyday for the rest of my life and never feel an ounce of regret. Having nothing allowed me to see how much I really have. And it was so much more than just love.

Sorry, I like talking about my story, it made me. I really didn't start living until we came to Dallas. This was the story I was writing, for me and by me. I stepped into my authenticity and was truly working on just being happy right now.

Back on track- I practice mindfulness daily. For those of you lucky enough to know Luke you will remember his manic phase when he was following Ram Dass's teachings. I picked this up during that period and promptly tossed everything else. However, there is something there. Being present in the here and now and remembering to breathe sounds so simple, but it is quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. Anytime someone is asking for tips and tricks to relax I recommend looking up Mooji on YouTube. His guided meditations, along with his buttery voice touches the most wounded parts of me. Even if it is for a second. Seriously, go look him up, I'll wait.

I've had those gems in my pocket for years, but when I needed them, when I was drowning in my thoughts and tears, I had nothing. Nothing anyone said helped, I couldn't nurse brain this one away. One morning, I say morning but it was 2 am, I was up watching Big Bang (I'll fight you, this show is great) and was laughing. In that moment, I gave up. Surrendered if you will, but to myself. I let go of the reigns and CHOSE to trust the team I was given. Now all I had to do was just show up, and wake up.

I hadn't laughed in weeks. Everyday was the same, wake up, am I crying, yes, stay home. Not crying try to go to work. If I wasn't trying to keep my job I was at another appointment. Labs, MRI's, CT's, Bone Scans, Radiation Oncologist, Medical Oncologist, Breast Specialist, SO MANY APPOINTMENTS.

It was during this period that I learned my staging and prognosis. My breast specialist is the tiniest woman with the most commanding presence. She walked into the room directly to me, took my hands and said, and I quote: " Hey there survivor, this is small and curable, no big deal." What an odd thing to say first, but she's awesome and I'm the worst with words, so what do I know? She told us I was stage 1a, would need surgery and possibly radiation. We had a few good days after this. Things suddenly felt doable.

Then my imaging results came back.

Another break check moment. Bitchhhhhh that boob dude doubled in size in less than 2 weeks, spit out 2 other smaller confirmed carcinomas and grew a nest of calcifications around the OG. It was insulating itself. This changed my diagnosis and treatment plan drastically. I have cancer, cancer.

Luckily, I'm a pro at having the rug pulled out from under me by now. However, I never notice that's what is happening until after all the snot and tears.

My poor boy. He wasn't lasting 10 minutes at school without worrying and having a full blown panic attack. Everyday. He couldn't be away from me. Luke found a hidden superpower to pick up all of our pieces and just hold them. He held them until we were ready to put them back together, as a family.

Here comes the masking, fake smiles, and false reasurrance. Ugh, that feels so fake. But it was neccessary. My boy needed hope, and I didn't have any to offer him. So I faked it. Damnit, if I didn't start to feel better too. Placebo effect, maybe. Who knows? I didn't want to kill myself, so I took off running with it. Hope is thrown around way to easily.

When my grandmother was missing (told y'all, TRAUMA) all anyone said was stay hopeful, keep the faith. But what happens when you never had hope and faith to begin with? So this time, when I'm being told the same thing, just about my cancer, it felt played out. It felt like an inappropriate response to say TO ME about me. You keep the faith, you keep hoping for the best. I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that everything that makes me a woman will be gone, and if I choose to not follow through with the treatment plan, I WILL DIE. Those are the options you are given.

Let's stop here. I had therapy the other day, after my mastectomy, and made some revelations about what makes me a woman, and whooooo buddy it's not boobs and a uterus.

[electricseraph]

ok~ now that i’m im a bit of a better mood, here’s day 2 of proselfshiptember! for the prompt lock and key.

sunday x aventurine x lisette/me.

general cw, nothing too extreme but just proceed with caution! though brief mention of suicide but because of the nature of the dreamscape in hsr there was no real suicide. also pseudoincest. and obsessive behavior. and mentions of aventurine’s backstory, if you know you know, if you don’t you should be fine

also warning for the fact that this is based less off canon and more off of my memory of events (as in, previous life memories) so if details do not line up with canon, that’s why

“So Lisette is alive.”

Aventurine’s voice was laced with venom, her heart racing in her chest. How long had Sunday known that Lisette was alive? Just a few days ago, she had been bawling her eyes out in the Halovian’s arms, opening her heart to the other woman as the agony of having lost her baby sister overtook her. Had Sunday known then? But she had cried too. Surely…

“I know what you are thinking,” Sunday replied, so matter-of-factly that it almost made Aventurine feel ill, in an odd way. “I was not tricking you; I was also in pain. In that moment, I had also truly thought that Lisette had died. No, I only found out a mere few hours ago myself.” Her smile was unnervingly steady in a way that made Aventurine feel itchy. “More importantly, why are you still on Penacony after the stunt you pulled? Surely your job is done?”

Was that Sunday’s way of asking her to leave? “I’m not going. Not until I see Lisette again.”

“Oh, but you know she doesn’t wish to see you.”

“She does,” the gambler spat, trying to keep her expression just as steady. How pathetic that she, who was known for her luck and skill in a casino, could hardly keep a poker face when it came to her little Lisette. “Even if she says she doesn’t, she does, and I know she does. Where is she, Sunday?”

The chuckle that bubbled up from Sunday’s throat sent an uneasy chill down Aventurine’s spine. “We got off on the wrong foot. I do quite like you, Kakavasha. Actually, I have an almost… insatiable fascination with you. Do you know how that feels? To have your every waking thought consumed by another, unable to focus on anything else because you are completely, utterly infatuated?”

“Don’t call me that.” Was Sunday set on getting on her nerves? It was working. Though she had to admit, she understood that feeling, that burning desire. She felt it for Lisette for as long as she knew her, and… it wasn’t entirely inaccurate to say that she might have felt similarly about Sunday as well. “Anyway… sure, let’s say I get how you feel. Why are you telling me this?”

Sunday laughed again, almost manically this time, a warped excitement in her eyes. Aventurine knew that look too well. She took a step back.

“Are you afraid?” the Halovian woman asked, sounding like she wanted her to be. “Adorable. Lisette isn’t very far. She’s right…” She lifted up a hand and tapped her temple a few times, slowly. “…here. Safe and sound, where she can never hurt herself again. Where no one else can ever hurt her.”

It felt like Aventurine’s heart caught in her throat, and she had to resist the urge to reach out and strike Sunday, to grab her by those fluffy, fragile wings and force her to speak. The rage was uncomfortable. “What did you do to her,” she said flatly, coming out as more of a statement than a question.

“You look at me with such anger. Isn’t that what you want for her? To be tucked away somewhere safe where this awful world may no longer taint her purity? Better a dove to be locked away ‘til her dying day than to be crushed to death by man. How can you disagree, when you’ve been with her through to worst of it? Or maybe…”

Sunday took a step closer, a delirious, possessive expression on her face. She cupped Aventurine’s cheek almost tenderly, like a lover.

“…you would like to join her? To be locked away in the depths of my mind where you are safe as well, to have the key thrown away so you may never leave, so that no one may force you to leave? Doesn’t that sound enticing?”

Aeons. It did. To be freed of suffering, of loneliness, to be free of the IPC… it sounded like paradise. But if she had learned anything in her twenty-seven years of life, it was that anything that sounded too good to be true likely was. She jerked away, though the anger in her eyes had subsided. “I’m not as weak-willed as Lisette. And anyway, I promised that I would protect her until the day I die. If you are somebody who could hurt her… then you’re my enemy too, just like anyone else.”

Though Sunday seemed displeased with this answer, she didn’t seem surprised. “Hm. Very well. But you don’t seem to understand that I would rather die than become just another somebody who has hurt Lisette, and despite you calling me your enemy, I am not fond of the idea of you getting hurt, either. I really do like to think that someday, we can become friends.”

“Maybe,” Aventurine said slowly, choosing her words carefully. “But before that day can come, I’ll have to save my little sister from you first.”

[alara-kahya]

"Things end, that's all. Everything ends, and it's always sad. But everything begins again, and that's always happy." - 12th Doctor.

Self Para: Post break-up, 3 days later. Involved: Jayden Cross (deceased), her mom & Kian. Mentions: Nate Donovan & Emiri Tezel. Location/s: Cemetery & her home. Triggers: Death, grief, heartache.

"So, yeah, that's it. Sorry to come and bring bad news, I just... Well, selfishly I guess I thought it would help." Sighing as she sat on the ground in front of Jayden's grave, she tucked her knees into her chest and decided to just wallow for a minute. It was day three since Nate had walked out and aside from this right here, she hadn't told anyone. Not her mom, not even Emiri. What was she supposed to say? "I don't know how to talk about it with anyone else, or maybe I'm just scared to." Yeah, that felt more accurate. Alara had worked so incredibly hard over the years to shape herself into a strong and confident woman, it was difficult for her to show that she was still capable of being hurt. "I know what you'd say, I even know what you'd do, you would hug me and tell me to call my mom. Actually, you'd probably call her yourself. You can't beat a hug from your mom." She chuckles, saying something that Jayden used to say about her mother. Honestly, he was as close to an adopted child as her mom had, it broke her too when he died.

The soft laugh soon turned into a sniffle and before she knew it, she was choking back a sob and desperately wiping at the tears that spilled over her eyes. "How did I let this happen again," she puffed out a breath, still somehow laughing between crying, though it was far from a place of amusement. "I did what you always wanted me to do and I took a chance. Now look at me, right back to square one and you're not even here for me to say it's all your fault." Joking, but the words only made her miserable. "I feel like a fool, I really thought if I just kept patience, he'd find his moment and talk to me. Now I'm wondering if I should have pushed harder? And then I hate myself for thinking this could be my fault, because it isn't, is it? I gave him everything, and it just wasn't enough, how am I supposed to accept that? How can I when I don't understand." Groaning, what she does understand now is why she chose to come here and talk to a headstone over someone who could actually support her. Emotional and manic wasn't her best look, she wanted to try and vent a lot of it out before she turned to her family and friends. "It just hurts, it... yeah, it hurts."

The ache that swirled all around her insides only rippled outwards until it felt like even breathing in was painful. "I'm so lost without you, Jj, I miss you so much. So much." It wasn't fair. A thought that she seemed to be thinking a lot lately. Nothing was ever fair and she couldn't stand it. "You don't know what I'd give to go back, even if it was just to see you one last time." She lost herself when he had died, that much was clear to everyone who loved her, but what a lot of them didn't realize was that she never truly recovered. A part of her was still lost, still trying to claw it's way back but it never would. There was an empty space there in her heart that belonged entirely to her best friend. Sighing, she swiped more tears away and climbed up to her feet, staying crouched as her brown eyes lingered over his name. "Love you. I'll be back in a couple days, I'll bring beer." With a sad smile and a soft hand pressed against the cold stone, she takes a deep breath and turns to leave. Hopefully looking a little less blurry-eyed by the time she got home to greet her mother.

"Hey," calling out as she drops her bag at the door. "Sorry I'm late, work ran over and then I got talking to Jay," a statement that wasn't out the ordinary, it was never unusual for her to visit the cemetery just to keep her lost friend upto date on her life. "That's ok, sweetie. Little man is all tucked up, he's just waiting for a hug," her mom smiles, though she can't help but eye Alara with mild suspicion. "Everything ok?" Hard not to notice bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks when they were right in front of you, but it wasn't just that. It was something Kian had told her while they ate dinner. That he heard his mommy crying in the middle of the night. "Yeah, I'll go give him his hug," shying away from her gaze, she knew she couldn't talk about it right now, not while her son was waiting for her.

Making her way up the stairs, she does her best to rub the mascara away and go in his room with a warm greeting. "Hello my beautiful baby. Sorry I missed dinner." Walking over to sit on the end of his bed, her smile actually reaching her eyes just at the sight of him. "That's okay, but nanna made me eat sweetcorn," he pulled a blegh face and shuffled out his covers to envelope his arms around her. An action that had her eyes stinging with a fresh set of tears as she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. "I didn't tell her sweetcorn is on the no no list now." Chuckling, she kisses at the top of his head, and holds him tight, finding a warm comfort that only he could ever really provide. It almost made her unwilling to tuck him back in, but she did, somehow resisting the urge to just lay down with him. "Mommy?" Innocent eyes peer up at her as she strokes his hair. "Are you sad?"

The question made her heart hurt, she never wanted to be sad in front of him but she should have known, he was always very perceptive. "I'm a little bit sad, yeah. Missing your Uncle Jayden a lot today." It wasn't a lie, and she obviously wasn't going to tell her four-year-old child about her breakup. "It's okay to be sad sometimes, as long as you know how to make yourself happy again, and I do, so don't worry." Nodding, she wasn't sure that part was quite true, not as things stood. "How do you do that?" He asks, making her laugh softly. "Well, I just look at you and all that sadness goes away. You know what I always tell you, I'm the luckiest mommy in the world to have a baby as kind and loving as you. But it's late, so close your eyes and dream nice dreams. I love you." Leaning forward to kiss his head, she waits for him to say it back and gently leaves the room, door ajar just how he liked it.

As soon as he was out of sight, she has her hands pressed over her mouth, silencing the hiccup and quickly making her way to her room. Washing up and getting into her pj's, she's surprised when she sees her mom still here, waiting for her on the sofa. "Now that your baby is settled, let me settle mine..." Patting a hand on the sofa, Alara looks between her and the spot, wary, almost timid. She didn't want to break, but damn, it didn't matter how old she got, a mother's influence was always the instinctive way to run. And so, she grabs a blanket and walks over, settling herself closely by her side, head on her shoulder and arm around her front, allowing her mother to just be there and hold her.

"Jayden was never wrong about this, can't beat one of your hugs." Smiling as she sits up, she doesn't bother to hide the sad defeat in her eyes, instead, she just shrugs. "Nate and I are done. He'd rather spiral than lean on me. I tried, but... It's pretty impossible to fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for." The corners of her eyes crease as she tries to say it with a calm tone. As soon as she hears her mom say she's sorry, she shakes her head, trying to tell her she didn't really have anything else to say, except maybe... "You know what the worst part is? I never forgot how crap this feels, I broke my own promise never to put myself back in a position where I can be hurt because... I managed to convince myself that this time, it wouldn't end with tears."

And in a gesture to her own, she scoffs a sad half-laugh and tries to swallow the lump in her throat. She appreciates that her mom gives her the time to talk without interrupting, the squeeze on her arm is comforting enough without making her feel crowded. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. Some people aren't, and that's fine. I was happy by myself, I can be that way again." Nodding, "Yeah. It's fine. I'm- I'll be fine." Maybe if she said it enough, she would actually start to believe it. "Alara..." That soft tone of a concerned mother had her sucking in a breath as she shakes her head. "Don't. Please, just don't. I don't need you to say anything." She practically insists, misty brown eyes lifting up to hers only to close with a shaky sigh. "Okay, sweetie. I won't. But you should go get me some pajamas because I'll be staying here tonight." Her mom says, lifting a hand up to Alara's cheek, hoping that she wouldn't protest. Truthfully, she didn't have the energy, and not being alone sounded far better. "Thank you."

[ghost-proofbaby]

DUUUUDDDEEEEE. Fork! (I’m trying to sensor myself. Is it working?!)

HOLY SHIT THOUGH.

So OK BUT THEN HERE WE MAYBE HAVE ANOTHER WEIRD NON-ALIBI if they find Fred. IS Willow gonna say something once they find/identify Chrissy’s body/know that Fred is missing. But also he’s by lovers lake? And then mentally Nancy came across Chrissy’s body…closer to that where they found her necklace and shoe. So does that mean someone or something is moving her body? AND WHERE ARE THE GATES BUT WILL THERE EVEN BE GATES OR IS SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENING.

Omg. My synapses are firing!!! Cruel of you to release this first thing in the AM when I have a day full of meetings. I might reread tonight. I definitely have ideas but I DONT HAVE MY NOTEBOOK. I’m gonna scribble some on a napkin. Hmmm too early to tell

Poor Eddie and poor Willow. But they’re together and have one another. I think…you know I joke about my theories and everything but truly that’s what we’re all here for. The love they have for each other and their willingness to endure countless nightmares for each other. I can’t wait to see THEM RUN AWAY TOGETHER WHEN THE TOWN GOES ON A MANHUNT AND THEY JUST CUT AND RUN AND START OVER. TOGETHER (👀👀👀👀👀👀) Damn I thought that was gonna work.

And Wayne. I’m here for actual Dad Wayne Munson. Because he goes through so much to make sure his boy is safe. Omg. “Our boy” I’m freaking tearing up.

Congratulations on another great chapter and yet another strand in the grand web you are weaving. Aghhh. You’re the best but you’re the worst but you’re the best. You deserve a medium place. *forehead smooches*

FINALLY replying because i was trying to give everyone time to read but i want you to know this made my day when i received it this morning 🖤

first of all, as always, i love your mind. you're thinking big (even if you're not right) and i adore it <3 also the image of you scribbling down your theories on a napkin just has me cackling i love you jo 😭😭😭

and oh yeah, there's quite a bit going on, quite a lot to cover, but i think that's why even amongst this "angst", i find so much comfort in continuing their story. it's just as much their love that makes me giddy to write this story as it makes you all to read it (which still blows my mind, btw).

dad wayne munson is everything to me. him and hopper are the town's resident adoptive fathers, and both of them just bring me so so much comfort. if i find a way to insert hopper's return into this fic, you already know i am. just give me a day or two of planning i'm a determined woman on a mission

thank you so much. i know i'm a broken record, i know all i ever seem to do is thank y'all and tell you how much i appreciate you guys and your support, but i do. i truly mean it so much that if i think about it too much, i'd cry. when i started all this, i thought this was going to be some silly fic i'd post and have to celebrate even having one reader, something i'd have to manically talk and plan out with my best friend and that at the end of the day, would only really mean something to me. you guys have been so endlessly supportive, so achingly sweet, and i just. gah. i don't know how to repay you all. i love you guys. you guys let me have my cake, and eat it too. that's probably the greatest gift i've received in all my years of writing fics.

also... side note.... has someone been rewatching the good place? 👀

[thebigshotman]

(Before continuing on to the movie review this week of “Annie Hall”, I feel I need to state this. Yes, this is a Woody Allen film. Yes, he is, without a doubt, a scumbag of a human being. However, I throughly enjoyed the movie. This is because separating the art from the artist is a very real thing people can do, no matter how influenced by the artist’s life the art was. I and everyone else in my class did the same thing.

As my professor said before the screening: “This is a film class, not an ethics class; take your scorn elsewhere”. So please do not come to me with anon hate about the fact that I enjoyed this movie. It will be immediately deleted as if you never sent it. (I know most of the regulars around here know not to do that, and know what kind of person I really am, but you never know who might see this 😬)

Anyway! With that disclaimer out of the way, the review is under the cut for those interested! Thank you all for being respectful and chill 😊)

Another week, another movie in film class! Last week’s “Godfather” didn’t give me much to talk about, but good golly did this one! This week we watched “Annie Hall” by Woody Allen, and it was a romantic comedy. Romantic comedies are something I usually don’t watch very often, with the sole exception of “Pretty Woman” and a couple of others. But this one had a lot of tricks up its sleeve to keep me interested!

The movie is about the relationship between Alvy Singer-Allen-and the titular Annie Hall-Diane Keaton-as it rises, falls, rises again, and eventually breaks up amicably. Alvy’s other relationships are also explored briefly to hammer in the point that he seems to be unlucky in love no matter what. We see this relationship out of order, with their awkward first meeting only coming about a third a ways in. We also break the fourth wall pretty frequently, with fantasy sequences woven in here and there by all characters and frequent asides to the camera by Alvy. In the end, they meet each other one last time for dinner, and the whole thing ends surprisingly poignantly with a metaphor involving love and eggs. Trust me, it was way better than it sounded 😂

The screenplay definitely deserved to win an Oscar, as it’s very tightly written and very funny, if odd and cringe worthy occasionally. What didn’t win an Oscar but was amazing, though, was the cinematography, done by the same dude that did “Godfather” funnily enough. It really captured what it must be like to fall in and out of love against the backdrop of a big city. The fantasy sequences and asides, very unusual for a romcom, also make it stand out from a crowd and keep you guessing what strange-but-realism-driven thing would happen next. The movie line scene with a cameo by Marshall McLuan (you can look it up if you want) was a highlight!

I’d say it’s a combination of what “Scenes from a Marriage” and “Ferris Buller’s Day Off” must be like…but I’ve never seen either lol

Keaton deserved the Oscar for playing Annie, bringing just enough of her real self into the role to make her realistic but enhancing everything when needed to make her the prototype “manic pixie dream girl” she is. Some of my classmates thought Alvy was annoying, what with his constant griping and distinctive voice, and I can definitely see why, but…I saw parts of myself in both of them. My positive qualities in Annie’s free-spiritness and definitely my negative ones in Alvy’s anxieties and overthinking. So I can’t bring myself to hate either, or their performances. They truly captured the “nervous romance” of the tagline!

So, yeah! Overall I really liked this movie! It did a lot of things I didn’t expect a romantic comedy too, and in a good way, too. The burden of how horribly its writer/director/lead actor forked up over the years weights heavy on it, make no mistake, but I think despite that it’s aged decently. If you can find it for free somewhere I recommend watching it! Just, y’know, do what I did. As for me, I will be watching it again as soon as I can find that aforementioned free source lol

Next week is “Network”, the origin of the famous “mad as hell” rant! Definitely a very big change from a romcom, but as someone going to school for media and a news reporter myself I can’t wait to see how it is! I’ll be sure to let you all know. In the meantime, hopefully I’ll be on in a few hours to get to threads.

La dee da la dee da…seriously I loved Annie. See you all soon!

My mission if there’s ever a 70s day at college is to dress like her in this gif 😁

[blissfulseptember]

For such a silly little impulsive decision, this tattoo holds a lot of meaning for me. To hear my partner say "Yeah babe, go for it. Treat yourself." Is such a breath of fresh air. In a previous long term relationship I was conditioned to believe that anything I did for myself was inherently selfish and wrong. I minimized my entire self to appease someone who didn't respect or value me as a person, and working up the courage to leave took years. But I did it. It was ugly and painful and wretched in every way, but it gave me the freedom to breathe on my own. I was convinced I'd remain single the rest of my life to avoid ever being put in a box again. I was content working hard to provide for myself and building a life I could truly enjoy. I returned to my old friend groups in the music scene and was embraced in the community with open arms. The family jams made me feel whole again, and I built a bond with an incredible musician, Joj, who went out of his way to make space for me to let my heart out in song. I moved 2 hours away to put distance between me and my pain, but I found myself returning to my musical misfit gang as often as I could. I have one dejavu moment, when I visited the food truck Joj worked at in the dead of winter last year and ordered a smash burger. He lit up when he saw me, and took his break upon delivering my food so we could hang out and chat. I never knew why that moment was so significant until this summer, when we finally got together. He told me he remembered that day clearly, because the moment he saw me walk up, he turned to his coworker and said "that's the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, so I'm gonna take a break and chat her up when her food's done." I had no idea I was ever on his radar as anything more than a friend until we kissed at a concert in August. As soon as it happened, I knew it was right, and in navigating our feelings for eachother over the next few days, I knew that I could trust him with my heart.

Long distance hasn't been easy, and I find myself constantly counting down the hours until the weekends we get to spend together. I got two extra days with him this week because I needed to take care of some really heavy stuff that left me anxious and manic. Last night, I told him I would probably get a discounted tattoo for Friday the 13th because I needed to feel something. He held me and told me to do what felt right for me. Today I found an all female tattoo shop with affordable flash options and landed on this cute lil mushy friend. Last spring, I wrote a poem about beautiful things like fungi and foliage growing out of death and decay. It's a poem I'm actually really proud of that was intended to help kids understand loss. I may post it soon, but that's what this tattoo is for me. Loss and pain making room for healthy growth.

[crisisbyacat]

to be a woman is to perform

My face is two unlit cigarettes long. I’ve been breathing the same smoke and air for days now. My bones are weak and I wish I could snap them like a cigarette.

 I’ve made my room a prison cell and I haven’t left it for days. I breathe the same air because I’m in a panopticon world and I don’t know when the danger’s eyes are on me. So, I live in the constant fear of the unknown.

When we talk about the concept of gender performativity, we talk about how, in Judith Butler’s words, “gender proves to be performance— that is, constituting the identity it is purported to be. In this sense, gender is always a doing, though not a doing by a subject who might be said to pre-exist the deed”

Society lit the cigarette of gender when I was born. I smoke it out and leave no ash. I breathe the ash and become a woman.

It was when I started to cough, I realised that I am performing even for myself. I have internalised this act so well that I don’t even realise that I am unconsciously adhering to all the stereotypes and maybe somewhere forcing myself to adhere to them so that I feel like a lady.

Remove me from the theatre and I don’t know who I am anymore.

If I am not a reflection of what I see in the media then who am I? Media has created boxes to fit in women and have left the possibility of those boxes co-existing out.

‘The manic pixie dream girl’, ‘the cool girl, ‘the femme fatale’. These are all characters I grew up watching and tried to reproduce them.

It is truly a wonder to think about who I would be and what my limits would be if I didn’t try and duplicate these characters.

Pinocchio got lucky to have been a real boy at some point and have no strings. And that always makes me wonder when I will be able to cut off the strings of gender that I am more often than not holding myself.

It is suffocating to have to do this and just like the cigarette box says- it is injurious to health.

[maester-of-spreadsheets]

Okay, despite being gleeful all week, I do have some thoughts/musings on IWTV and fandom commentary on ableist tropes. Probably will get a little spicy idk

So pretty much since the episode dropped on streaming platforms, I’ve seen people hoping Daniel still has Parkinson’s despite being turned and that it will be ableist if most or all of the symptoms are ameliorated (the terminal illness aspect is already gone.)

And well….. I really fundamentally and completely disagree with this.

I get why people are wary about miracle cure storylines. Truly I am. I love FMA but I think it’s obnoxious that everyone gets their disabilities wiped away at the end of the plot.

But … but but but but. I have an invisible illness myself. Started up late 2017, is mostly just annoying, but it interrupts my sleep every single night without fail. The cumulative lack of sleep leads to constant fatigue and the subsequent brain fog. It’s had a cascading considerable ripple effect across my whole life. Through a lot of trial and effort I’ve come to build a life I’m increasingly happy with. I’ve come to be very proud of how much I can do despite it all. I have greater internal strength than I realized.

And if someone offered me a miracle tomorrow even with a terrible trade off I’d take it. I’d take it even if it was only 3 full nights of sleep a week instead of 7. I’d take it in a heartbeat.

Now, Daniel……… clearly didn’t get to make that informed decision lol. Knowing what Armand is like. But he is super hype at the end of the show and I get it. I get it.

The worst symptom (which, again, is DEATH) is gone. Even if he has some of the other symptoms the worst one is gone gone GONE. Of course he’s ecstatic. Throughout the series he’s loudly and repeatedly said he wanted a cure. Hell, he explicitly says as much to Armand. His manic joy at the end is just so…….

Also it’s not actually a cure. He’s largely traded Parkinson’s for a host of other terrible things I.e. now the sun will kill him, he’s eventually going to see his daughters die (which he’s worried about before). He can’t taste nachos anymore for Christ’s sake.

If the quality of the writing remains up to par than this isn’t going to be the story of someone who had a redo button pushed on their disability. The trade off is enormous and we’re bound to see the negative side of vampirism with him.

In addition, this isn’t a like … Glee-tier style portrayal of a disability. Daniel isn’t sequestered from the main plot except for a few special episodes about how sad and inspirational he is. He has a lot of other things going for him (I wrote a whole post about this.) He’s also very vocal about how much it all sucks and he wants to feel better. You also see a lot of the mundane stuff you have to do with doctors and meds etc. The only thing we didn’t get was a depiction of the fairly common experience of him crying and screaming in a car because nothing exists that will make him feel better and confronting that yet again after being on the 15 minute conveyor belt in and out of the doctor’s office.

Not that I’ve been there or anything.

(I also thought I was alone in this until I started reading personal essays about invisible illness and kept coming across scenes like it.)

There’s a lot of reasons to be wary of disability rep in fiction. Right there with you. Totally get wanting to see stories of disabled joy.

But … I’m not there yet. I might never be. For me, the disability rep that currently resonates with me most is a miracle cure narrative. It’s the biblical story of the woman who can’t stop bleeding. Who touches Jesus’s robes to try and get a cure. And she does. But the cure is secondary to me. It’s what comes before; the desperation, the isolation, the mention that she spent all her money on doctors that didn’t help. It’s bleak, but it’s also an emotion I recognize in myself. That parable was clearly written with very real emotion involved and I can feel people in similar straits over the millennia reaching out to me through it. This too is yuri a disability narrative.

And yes it gives me comfort. Invisible illnesses can be very isolating, and many people have dark nights of the soul where you wonder if it’s going to be worth it carrying on like this, what you’d trade to get your old life back (if I do get it back…. I won’t actually because these years have changed me.) You learn a lot about the depths of your desperation and the heights of your strength. And yeah, that’s what I’ve felt through Daniel’s narrative.

He’s a weird fucking dude with a different illness than me but (not to use this word again) a specificity to his depiction that actually makes him feel way more relatable to me than inspiration porn or corporatized Pride ™️. And I can’t stress how much I apparently needed that. The care in his character has me curious to see what comes next. There’s a trust there that they’ll continue mining this side of his character even if the symptoms have changed. I just really highly doubt we will get something as blithe about it as FMA. Future Daniel will probably have moments as harrowing as All’s Well by Mona Awad (which I haven’t finished yet despite plodding away through it for years because it’s so accurate about chronic pain it makes me cry. But it explores miracle cures as an unsettling fever dream. The excitable anger that comes along when you have Good Days and can really contemplate how much goddamn bullshit you’ve been through.)

And yeah I …. Don’t know how to end this. Maybe I’ll just quote Pain Woman Takes Your Keys:

This raises the question of which woman is a better writer—me in pain or me without. The pain-woman speaks in a pared-down voice; she is a dreamy laser. You can’t tell her a single thing. She has room for only one emergency. She has to creep slowly and hold onto the backs of chairs as she moves, but she has a strange superpower. She cares more about the vulnerable soft flesh of everyone than my normal busy pre-pain self. She aches in slow motion for everyone’s crumbling life. She sees dead bodies wrapped in skin, sees the present moment as death in reverse. She is in a kind of ecstasy—not the way we understand the word as joy, but the older definition in Webster’s Dictionary: “an emotional or religious frenzy or trancelike state, originally one involving a mystic sense of self-transcendence.”

And then there was a day, a quiet landmark on the couch: the first day that I realized I wasn’t depressed because I was in pain. I realized my mood could separate from the bad news broadcasted by my nerves. I was okay in here, in terrible pain, but alive and watching it. Pain explodes, over and over. It’s also super tiring. And then I need food and sleep.

Later tonight I’ll get depressed because I have lesson plans to do, and I want to be more than this ecstatic, shattered, staring beast looking at the swirls. But for now, I see swirls, and I feel the weather in my bones. And I am two bodies, and one is the history of me. And the other is a lava-lamp Ghost Girl with a new voice I have to listen to—no, more than listen to. She wants the keyboard, and she doesn’t care about the life I had before she was born.

[bleedingmyway-blog]

Une Introduction

Hello everyone, and welcome to my tumblr blog; where you shall find an assortment of schoolboard chalk scented nostalgic rants on things which have no incidence whatsoever on our lives, pseudo-intellectual ramblings on certain social phenomenons and trends that i would honestly be better off adopting myself (giving them deeper thought makes me feel legitimate in my manic bouts of isolation) as well as semi-literate attempts at sounding like a witty accomplished writer; when in reality I am just a am no more than just a 23 year old man trying to make his way into the world.

I am not a woman, although not devoid of womanly features -do thin lips count as womanly features ?- , not jewish -albeit a strong believer in numerology-, a decently good gambler -i only gamble using my friend's money once they leave the table, i like to think of it as investing their money in risky assets-, and a mercenary at the service of broken hearts.

I happen to have a lot of pass-times and centers of interests, that I shall list here :

role playing games, which naturally excludes a majority of fps games and includes lesser known games that do involve shooting like jagged alliance and the earlier Fallout games

music, i pride myself in the legitimacy of my i-listen-to-everything claim, my favorite band being king crimson (their 80s era, nonetheless)

philosophy, occult and psychology; i thought to lump them together as my personal mental mosaic paints them side by side, as these subjects are interlinked and learning about them is a daily goal of mine

literature, and ironicaly i've not much to say about this one, i can't pride myself in being a voracious reader nor have i read the classics, but i greatly value literature in general. i'm also a big fan of the beat generation authors, as you may have noticed

i also ought to add that i have been a weeaboo for most my life; and while i am absolutely not ashamed of it, i frankly haven't indulged in japanese culture for quite some time. so, do not expect too many posts containing references to anime, manga and such, but there may be the occasional focus on a piece of japanese media that i like

cinema ! marlon brando, sean connery, de niro,charles bronson and such are my own heroes

there seems to be little i could add that would serve you more, dear reader, than I in the stroking of my weak ego by going on about my oh-so-dear hobbies. i hope you'll have a good time reading my posts and interacting with yours truly nevertheless, as i hope my introduction wasn't too boring to read !

[lochsides]

If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power Review

Where do I even begin with 'If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power'? It is such a good album, it's almost criminal. If I had to pick the best album to be released this year, IICHLIWP would be it. Halsey has always been an excellent songwriter, that was never even in question, but it has been proved once again, in case anyone wasn't paying attention. IICHLIWP is an album that covers so much depth in sound and in lyric. The dichotomy of the Madonna and the Whore, as they said in their announcement of the album, is an overarching theme of IICHLIWP and it is articulated so consummately. The references to pregnancies and childbirth are more subtle than I expected but that's what makes them so genius. This is an album where every lyric is intentional.

My favourite songs are ‘The Tradition’, 'Bells in Santa Fe', '1121' and 'Ya'aburnee'. More detailed thoughts on each track are below the cut. Trigger warnings for sexual assault and miscarriages.

The Tradition — This is the first song on the album and Halsey had already fucked me up so there's that. I got full-body chills listening to 'The Tradition'. The production is masterful. There is this darkness that settles in early and ebbs and flows beautifully, not only throughout the song but the album as a whole. 'The Tradition' already sets up so many of themes of this album, but what a way to talk about sexual assault. I am in love with the entire chorus line but I think my favourite lyric is ‘she got the life she wanted but now all she does is cry.’

Bells in Santa Fe — The transition from 'The Tradition' into 'Bells in Santa Fe' was so smooth I didn't even notice that the songs had changed until I looked at my screen. I don't think I could actually describe how much I adore this song if I took up the rest of my life doing so. The production is absolutely God-tier. Everything from the way it keeps building throughout the song to the percussion to the piano on the second chorus and the distortion towards the end is so perfectly done. You will never hear me rave about production this much. What a fucking song! On top of all that, you have the lyrics that are so powerful. When they said 'cause who the fuck would chose this?' it reminded me of my favourite Manicsong, 'Forever... is a long' where they sing 'how could somebody ever love me?' so that stood out to me. I love the cadence on 'secondhand thread in a secondhand bed with a second man's head' but the lyric 'better off dead so I reckon I'm headed to Hell instead' is probably the one that hits the hardest. My escapist, runaway tendencies felt very exposed by the entirety of the pre-chorus.

Easier than Lying — The way she emotes on ‘you lair, you don’t love me’ is fucking everything. I needed to start with that. It’s my favourite aspect of the whole song. And then there is that obvious callback in the bridge. ‘Easier than Lying’ is the punk sound we were promised of IICHLIWP and they delivered. The Grungy electric guitar, the bass, the production!!! This one goes hard and it makes no apologies of it’s anger.

Lilith — ‘I’m disruptive, I’ve been corrupted, and by now I don’t need a fucking introduction.’ I mean what could I possibly say after that??! Honestly, I love the duality of how this line could be about Halsey but it could also be about Lilith, herself. There is a selfishness to 'Lilith' that I love. When you connect that to the mythology of Lilith preying on pregnant women and the context of this album — it's just got so many layers. Halsey's mind!! I love the sound of this song. The production has a classic rock flare to it. Those drums are so clean and the bass accompanies it perfectly. The smoothness of their vocal on this track is very pleasing to listen to.

Girl is a Gun — I'm not going to lie, this song isn't for me. I get it. The message is right up my street but the overall sound of it just isn't what I personally like. I do love their little laugh at the start! The lyric 'it's a shot in the dark, I'm not a walk in the park, I come loaded with the safety switched off' is my favourite.

You asked for this — This song is really interesting because they gave us a pop punk sound, pushed it to the back of the track, really grungey guitar riffs and all, but their voice is so light and delicate almost, very airy in a way that stands apart from the backing track. I really like it. To me, it's like an emphasis of the message of 'You asked for this'. Young women are oftentimes forced to grow up too soon and 'be a big girl.' Society forgets, I would even say purposely overlooks, that they are 'still somebody's daughter,' one of the few things that is used to give value to a woman. We've all heard people throw the phrase "but what if it was your daughter/sister?" into the conversation when discussing women that have somehow been abused by the patriarchy. 'You asked for this' also calls attention to how when we're younger, all we want is to be grown up but how unaware we can be of what it means to be a woman in this world, the trauma that comes with it.

Darling — The guitar in this song and it’s almost-country sound are what sets this song apart from the rest of the album. ‘Darling’ is a lullaby for their child, but it tells a story of their struggles. It is honest in a way that feels private. Motherhood sounds so good on them!! This song is just a collection of things I love in music. 'Darling' is soothing and it sounds like comfort, in both melody and lyric. 'Foolish men have tried but only you have shown me how to love being alive' is perhaps the softest lyric on the whole album.

1121 — I expelled a heavy sigh when I heard ‘1121’ it absolutely took my breath away*.* This song is a truly moving ode to an unborn child. So many people talk about how they had never known what unconditional love really meant until they had a child. Halsey tells it as such: ‘you could have my heart and I would break it for you.’ I love their vocal styling on this song so much, going between their lower register and those beautiful falsettos in the chorus. The overlapping on the bridge of ‘please don’t leave, don’t leave me in the shape you left me’ and ‘I’m running out of time to tell you, I’m running out of things that I regret’ and ‘you’d never, you told me’ really capture all the wide array of emotions felt by pregnant person upon finding out they are pregnant when they’ve dealt with miscarriage. Her voice emotes the fear of losing another child, the regret of the ones she's already lost, the promise, almost desperate, of the opportunity they have right now. All of these feelings are brought to life further by the production of the song. There is so much depth in '1121'.

honey — Pop punk wlw anthem check. Halsey suits this sound so much. This track, the production, the instrumentation, all of it catered to their voice so perfectly. The sound is so refreshing and yet so classic. I adore the melody. It’s unsuspectingly catchy. I wonder if there are links to ‘Lilith’ with ‘she’s mean and she’s mine’ or if I’m just reaching. Either way, a song about a love that is a little chaotic and wild, sign me up!

Whispers — Whispering on a song called 'Whispers' might be obvious but I'm a basic bitch so leave me alone, I loved it. Lyrically, 'Whispers' was the song that I saw myself in the most. When she said 'camouflage so I can feed the lie that I'm composed,' I just felt far too exposed for comfort. Same thing with 'I do not know me.' And that's what art is supposed to do. The instrumental is haunting and dark. The way they create tension by adding in one instrument at a time. The production is amazing. Top 5 shit right here!

I am not a woman, I'm a god — Not only does this song have the catchiest hook, it’s literally ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god. I am not a martyr, I’m a problem. I am not a legend, I’m a fraud so keep your heart ‘cause I already got one.’ That hook right there tells you everything you need to know about this song. ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god’ acknowledges that one needs not be a woman to create life. They are claiming power to their gender identity through relation to Godliness. Even in the other lyrics, they talk about being ‘a different human in a new place’ or ‘a better human with a new name’ (this line in particular draws direct parallels to trans experiences). Both times, they specifically use ‘human.’ The production of this song is designed to be a single. It’s got the signature darkness of this album, tells the listener where Halsey is at sonically, and it’s a total banger.

The Lighthouse — The way this song just comes in swinging right away with the distortion and the heavy guitars is exactly what I expected from this album going into it for the first time. Very modern punk rock. And the lyric doesn't pull any punches either. 'From a tender age I was cursed with rage,' like c'mon!! I love the melody and her vocal inflations throughout the song. This is the longest song on the album but it doesn't drag. The change up right before the outro really helps with that. I find that outro so interesting. The contrast between the instrumental constantly building but their voices staying so far in the back on the track creates so much tension that is relieved in the best way possible with 'Ya'aburnee'.

Ya'aburnee — ‘Ya’aburnee’ is the perfect conclusion to this album. Halsey said in their Apple Music interview that IICHLIWP is about the power to choose and by the end of the album you realise that they choose love. This song perfectly embodies that. It’s familial. The entire chorus talks of seeing yourself in your kin and the circle of life. The second verse is a clear love letter to their partner and it makes me emotional, knowing their romantic history as we do, to hear them sing ‘wrap me in a wedding ring.’ I love how the lyric ‘you will bury me before I bury you’ is not only a statement of their hopes that they don’t have to live in a world without their loved ones, a statement of how parents should never have to bury their children, but it almost sounds like a protective promise that they will do anything to ensure their loved ones are kept from harm so as not to need burial. The softness of the instrumental on ‘Ya’aburnee’ is feels like unwinding from the rest of the record. It’s such a beautiful song.

[iamnotawomanimagod]

If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power - A Reluctant Ranking of Every Track

Disclaimer: This entire album is incredible, truly no skips, and I also think it’s an album that is hard to separate into individual tracks, because it all goes so well together. But I still wanted to try! This is just my personal opinion, and it’s subject to change. (Also I surprised myself. And I bet I’ll change my mind by tonight.)

Please feel free to do your own and tag me in it!! I wanna see!!

13. Girl is a Gun

It’s not that I dislike this song, it’s just a sound that I didn’t expect on this album. I think it would’ve fit in better on Manic. I don’t love how it kind of just repeats over and over again, especially on an album so full of complex, intricate lyrics. But it’s a really upbeat, sexy song and I bet it’s going to be so fun live.

Favorite lyric: 

Time is a blessin', to me, it's a lesson And I can't be stressin' to give you attention 'Cause, oh, it's never enough, so I'm givin' you up And you'll be better with a nice girl, darlin'

12. Lilith

Similar to “Girl is a Gun,” I simply wasn’t expecting this kind of sound on this album - could’ve seen it on Hopeless Fountain Kingdom though! The bass is amazing and I love the rhythm.

Favorite lyric:

You know I get too caught up in a moment I can't call it love if I show it I just fuck things up, if you noticed Have you noticed? Tell me have you noticed?

11. Darling

This song is so sweet and charming, especially if you compare it to “More,” which I think it acts as a sort of sequel to. Something about the melody hits me just a little wrong. When they start singing, I can’t help but hear the verses of “Hopeless.” That might’ve been intentional, but I can’t get past it to hear this song as its own thing.

Favorite lyric:

Never knew the feeling of a stable home Been a couple years of living on the road Couldn't really tell you where they'd leave a stone To visit me when I am dead and gone

10. The Tradition

I love the haunting piano and vocals. It feels like a song that was written for the film specifically. (Was it even in the film, lol?) I really love the sound of it, but the lyrics don’t do very much for me.

Favorite lyric:

And I hope what's left will last all summer long And they said that, "Boys were boys", but they were wrong

9. The Lighthouse

This song reminds me the most of a Nine Inch Nails song - fitting that Trent Reznor provides backing vocals on the final verse. I love the grimy guitars, and and discordant beat, and the way it builds up. The melody is cool and liquid. The final verse really feels like waves crashing. It’s a well-written song that really shows off Halsey’s alternative side.

Favorite lyric:

Well, that should teach a man to mess with me He was never seen again And I'm still wandering the beach And I'm glad I met the devil 'Cause he showed me I was weak And a little piece of him is in a little piece of me

8.  Ya’aburnee

This song makes me really emotional. It makes me think of all the people I love the most and it makes me want to cherish my time with them even more. That’s an incredible feeling for an artist to create. It’s such a bittersweet song. I wanna cry but it also makes me smile.

Favorite lyric:

But what's worse? Telling you my feelings or to die without revealing That you crawled inside my head and set a fire there, instead Letting all my insecurity Devour me with certainty

7. honey

If you’ve ever felt this way for someone, this song stings in the best way possible. I love the rhythm and the drums and the guitars - this is peak pop punk and Halsey fits right in. I love the honey imagery, especially that she included some imagery about bees and the way honey clings.

Favorite lyric:

And now she's impatient and I'm complacent With just a little taste of wasting time Looking for honey But she stings like she means it She's mean and she's mine

6. 1121

Now this is the sound I expected from this album. Cinematic, dark, dramatic. The piano is so haunting and so beautiful. It evokes so much imagery through sound alone, even with the lyrics being relatively simple. And their voice is so incredible. The song overall reminds me a lot of Evanescence, which is high praise. And I really appreciate the “self-loathing in love” theme, I can relate to it a lot. I’ve already been singing the chorus at the top of my lungs whenever I play this song.

Favorite lyric:

Take one in the temple My tongue is a vessel I try to be careful with The thing inside my chest You shoot for the memory So you can forget me I'd leave if you let me, oh

5. Bells in Santa Fe

Ever since we heard a snippet of this song in the first film trailer, I’ve been desperate to hear the rest of it. It didn’t disappoint. I love her lower register vocals, the tinkling piano and the frantic rhythm. And I relate too much to the message of the song - loving someone so much but refusing to accept that they want forever with you, insisting that they’re better off without you, warning them that you could slip away at any moment. It hits me where I live.

Favorite lyric:

Jesus needed a three day weekend To sort out all his bullshit, figure out the treason I've been searching for a fortified defense Four to five reasons But, Jesus, you've got better lips than Judas I could keep your bed warm, otherwise I'm useless I don't really mean it, 'cause who the fuck would choose this?

4. I am not a woman, I’m a god

This song fucks. Claiming their power to create life - recognizing that as godly and divine, while also insisting this is not a power that makes them a woman. I can’t wait for it to become a smash hit and for people to be singing about a nonbinary/trans experience without even knowing it. I honestly have trouble even articulating why this song is so awesome, it just is. I’m pumped every time I hear it.

Favorite lyric:

Oh, I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go 'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know So I'll stay right here cause I'm better all alone Yeah, I'm better all alone

3. You asked for this

I really like the 90s alternative sound of this one, it reminds me of Alanis Morrissette and certain No Doubt songs. I think it’s a very realistic depiction of how settling down in life can be very bittersweet, and the things that we ask for are sometimes not what they seem to be. But we also come to realize that settling is a part of growing up. Still, Halsey sings about wanting everything, knowing there are contradictions in that. The chorus is fun and easy to sing to, and the final verse is so amazing.

Favorite lyric:

I want a beautiful boy's despondent laughter I want to ruin all my plans I want a fist around my throat I want to cry so hard I choke I want everything I asked for

2. Whispers

This one hits hard, but god, it’s so good. The way they whisper certain phrases. The simple piano under the first verse, the way it becomes more complex, the way the beat comes in. You want to dance and cry at the same time. The lyrics - I know so many of us can relate to them. The themes of self-sabotage and self-loathing are so strong in this album, which definitely hits me right in the chest.

Favorite lyric:

I've got a monster inside me That eats personality types She is constantly changing her mind on the daily Think that she hates me I'm feeling it lately Might have to trick her and treat her To 70 capsules or fly to a castle So at least we could say that we died being traveled

1. Easier than Lying

I’ve had this one on repeat since the album came out, and that surprised me at first, but god, this song is addictive. The crunchy guitar at the beginning, the driving rhythm, the way her voice contrasts with that. The scream-singing on the chorus. It’s the kind of song you want to drive way too fast to. The bridge!! Aaah! It’s just so badass and listening to it now gets me too hyped!! Also the way it can kind of be seen as a sequel to “Lie,” - the growth of going “if you don’t love me no more, then lie” to “losing you is easier than lying to myself” is so meaningful and so empowering.

My heart is massive but it's empty A permanent part of me, that innocent artery Is gasping for some real attention Some undivided hypertension I tell it "quiet down, you're being loud" But it beats harder every time you come around But do you love the sound?

I’m gonna tag some mutuals, just to share, and also to see if anyone else wants to do this! Also you don’t need to go as in-depth as I did if that’s intimidating or too much, I’m just wordy.

@demonzplay @easiersthanlying @ttpane @yoursalwaysleo @anarkyandmadness @feelingsiwontforget @tolerateit @tommyhardyx @elysiems @imacreepygirl @finallybeautifulstranger @inthenameofloveforthesakeofpower and I know I’m forgetting some folks, I’m sorry! Please feel free to steal this and also tag me in yours!

[carinyms]

I've scrolled through a lot of discourse on episode 4 of Loki and I need to talk about it

(good lord its a whole essay im sorry)

I gave myself a headache from crying while watching this. (I joined the Loki fandom post-IW so I’ve never had to see him die before while emotionally invested and boy!!! Is it doing things to my fragile psyche!!). But now I’m rehydrated and more stable and ready to party so let’s go

Right off the bat, I loved this episode — loved it loved it loved it. Silly, manic in-shock Loki is gone and shit is getting real. My thought while watching this was truly “wow this is my favorite episode so far” and damn am I in a minority with this opinion lol.

So here’s my perspective on some of the discourse flying around, and just general thoughts

On the whole ‘Narcissist’ thing:

IMO, Mobius saying this means nothing: he’s mad and he’s spouted lies at Loki to push his buttons before (see: every interaction they’ve had since episode 1).

Loki saying this to Sif-- well, Loki is and always has been an unreliable narrator on himself. The major theme of this show is that he doesn’t really know who he is, deep down, and he’s trying to figure it out. The TVA is taking advantage of this, and even though he’s trying to stay above it all throughout the series, he's still in a really impressionable spot and absorbing what others tell him about himself. (not to mention this scene is literal torture and he’s already proven that he’ll say whatever he needs to to get out of it.)

But he does admit one true thing when he says “It’s because I’m scared of being alone.” (And like wow okay same don’t mind my tears) but here’s a big brain idea!

Sif pulls him up and says ‘You are alone, and you always will be’, which is like, WOW that’s cruel after what he said, but it makes me ask wonder: Sif is sentient in this scene, but obviously it’s not really her. Who’s controlling her? And why is it so important for them to make sure Loki thinks he’s alone? I’d go as far as to wager that Sif never even said this to Loki, the big bad made this up. (he admits he forgot about this ever happening, I doubt he’d remember what she said.)

I think the nexus event on Lamentis that caused the branch was two Loki’s joining sides. Or, Loki no longer being alone. Loki insists while talking to Mobius that “she’s not my partner!” but she was, and they were partners from the moment they grabbed hands on Lamentis — right when the timeline broke off. I think Loki variants teaming up is the biggest threat to whoever is pulling the strings here — that’s why the post-credit scene is so significant. (Is Loki the only person who has multiple variants of himself who've escaped the TVA?)

And here’s where I’m gonna get salty--so I apologize but i need to rant about this-- but it’s seriously pissing me off that so many people are intentionally reading this as Loki/Sylvie and then being mad about it when that’s clearly not what’s happening and why is everyone acting like Mobius with one angry jealous brain cell and no critical thinking about the context of the characters.

If people ship it that’s chill, but for the people who are against it—it’s clearly supposed to be platonic, and it’s so upsetting that in the year of our lord 2021 we still can’t have a man and woman hold hands without people saying it’s proof they want to f*ck each other, like what in the misogyny??? STOP. This show was written by a bi woman and Tom the-most-emotionally-sensitive-man-on-this-planet Hiddleston — let them display an intimate loving friendship goddammit. This isn’t romance, this is Loki learning how to admit he cares for someone who cares for him in return — something he hasn’t experienced a whole lot of and clearly doesn’t know how to navigate.

(You have permission to personally come at me if it actually turns out to be romantic by the end of the show—but as of right now I will die on this hill.)

Him putting his hands on her shoulders to me was a clear indication he wanted to hug her, and I’d like to think he would have told her he cares about her, and that they can figure it out together. Because these are two characters who’ve never had anyone else to rely on and trust, and for the first time they’re not alone.

And I have to think about what prompted this from Loki. He just lost Mobius the moment after he called him friend. The way I see it, he’s just realized the true gravity of what they’re up against, and Loki is suddenly very afraid of losing Sylvie too before he tells her cares about her, of dying truly alone because he never told anyone what they meant to him. (Don’t think about this in the context of him also having watched his entire family die knowing he never told Frigga or Thor how much he loved them either don’t think about it—) He’s realized, finally, that he has doesn’t have to be alone, that he can choose to be close to people and have friends. And god it’s so heartbreaking that he never got to hug her or have that moment with her. I really hope they get that in the end. I hope he gets it with Mobius. I hope they have a group hug. I'm upset again.

Okay, deep breath, ANYWAY.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as attacking anyone else’s opinions.

Personally, I love this character so much, I’m just so happy to be seeing him in his own storyline that they can’t go wrong here. Objectively I think the production is amazing, and personally I love they way Loki’s character has been explored so far. (Yea yea, was I HOPING that the bad-memory loop would morph into Sanctuary and Thanos and like a full exploration of his true worst memories? Yes but let’s be honest my whump needs will never be met in canon and I have to accept that lol.)

Honestly I left all my own meta about this character at the door when the series started, because for me the opinions I’ve formed from the hundreds of (amazing) fics and meta I’ve read on this character and what’s true in canon are basically inseparable at this point, and no portrayal is going to live up to the way Loki exists in my head. Canon Loki and fic Loki are two different characters and I can enjoy both at the same time :) I’ve just loved seeing the character get given the different dimensions he deserves, and written by people who care about his story.

Also, it’s not over! If he was dead and this was it I’d be very upset, but this is the rock bottom of the storyline, and I think the whole next two episodes will be the build back up. I trust it’s gonna be worth it. SO hyped for flaming sword Loki. I would die for Sylvie, but I’m excited to see him on his own again.

My current most pressing questions are:

-what was the fallout of Sylvie’s bombing the timeline? (Have we seen that yet, am I just dumb and missing something?)

-Obviously, who’s behind it all? (Kang? Is there a head honcho Very Evil Loki at the top?)

-How much does Ravonna actually know, and to what extent is she just a pawn too? She asked Sylvie to prune her— she’s probably also been duped here.

-Is everything we learned about the sacred timeline BS? How much of what the TVA workers believe is real?

-my favorite theory so far is that the war of the timelines miss minutes talks about hasn’t actually happened yet, maybe making setting that into motion is the true endgame, leading into Multiverse of Madness?

(Side note: holy HELL im so excited for this soundtrack to drop on Spotify. It’s SO AMAZING I had CHILLS in the end credits.)

Open invitation to discuss anything with me if you feel inclined! :)