#truly I really need to maintain my sobriety better but it was a long day ok

[care666bear]

Do I want an ice cream sandwich or 50mg of oxy

[mattyfm]

new york’s very own matthew oliver was spotted on broadway street in converse . your resemblance to luke hemmings is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-fourth birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being temperamental , but also benevolent . i guess being a gemini explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be bubbly laughter, the smell of fresh coffee, & long drives to watch the sunset  .  ( cis male & he/him  )  +  ( monique , 20 , she/her , pst . )

my name is monique i’m both the baddest and saddest bitch you’ll ever meet and i have NEVER written a concise intro in my life, so be prepared for a lot of jumping around, incomplete thoughts, and information you didn’t ask for. without further ado let me introduce you to my angel boy matthew oliver.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬

full name. samuel matthew oliver.

nicknames. sam, sammy, matt, & matty (preferred name and most commonly refereed to as).

age. twenty-four.

date of birth. june 17th.

occupation. actor. (i might give him another job eventually but don’t hold me to that)

sexual / romantic orientation. bisexual & biromantic.

birthplace. asbury park, new jersey.

zodiac. gemini.

spoken languages. english.

𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲

samuel mattew oliver was born to two extremely loving parents jeremy and elizabeth marie oliver, arguably one of the most influential celebrity couples known to man, at least that’s what it felt like growing up in the household, everyone was talking about the oliver’s and when they weren’t...well that never happened

as a middle child, preceded by his older brother mason, and succeeded by his younger sister cassandra, naturally he was born with a crave for validation, anything that separated him for his siblings

but naturally in his need to be different he found his closest allies, more so mason than cassie, but eventually she grew on him, and was most certainly not forced upon the dynamic duo of brother by their parents, but believe me he grew to adore her!

childhood was seemingly normal minus the bombarding questions from nosy students who wanted to know what it was like to have celebrity parents or be rich or live in a house with more bedrooms than necessary 

unlike his siblings however matty reveled in the attention way more than he let on, it was nice to be noticed for something, even if it wasn’t quite what he’d been hoping to be noticed for

but by no means was he stupid! he wouldn’t allow anyone to take advantage of him and had an unusual talent for knowing when people only wanted to use his friendship as some sort of gain for himself, and extended this talent to his sister cass, because boy oh boy did she need it

their dad who i forgot to mention was a professor at juiliard, his alma matter, caused a constant bouncing back and forth between their coastal home in new jersey and their urban townhouse in new york

both places felt like home to the trio! they made so many good memories, however matty was extremely preferential to the coast, and to this day maintains a beach boy vibe, swears everything is just better by the beach

going back to his upbringing for a minute high school rolled around for him and mason and he just became even more extremely protective of cassie, he went through things extremely unknown to his family

on the outside he was the model person and student, honor roll, a long glowing list of extracurriculars including sports, even holding down a normal job like everyone else at his high school, and not a single blemish in his criminal record, the squeaky clean olivers remained squeaky cleans

HOWEVER there was some shady stuff going on behind the scenes my guy, nothing too terrible, just the usual teenager with loving parents who raise a troubled teen, not because of any past trauma but a need to feel seen

DRUGS & ALCOHOL TW got into a lot of fight but always told them they had to fight after school, he got into drugs, nothing too hardcore, just weed (is that a weed i’m calling the police vibes).....at first.....but that’s a different story so moving on! he of course drank with his buddies at high school parties, honestly just vibing my guys, just straight vibes always

secret!!!!

CAR ACCIDENT TW & ALCOHOL TW & DEATH TW one day he’s vibing, it’s the summer they’re celebrating another school year complete, and by the end of the night nearly black out drunk at this point, he knows he can’t go home so he decides to get a ride home with a buddy he worked with, tell his parents that said buddy took him home after work, they worked on homework and fell asleep. and honestly had he had a little less to drink, he would’ve realized that his friend was just as drunk as he was, but they drove anyways. this lead to a drunken car accident, that ended in the death of a pedestrian. thankfully his friend’s dad was a lawyer, and they covered that shit up immediately.

after this whole ordeal choose an accelerated course of study to pursue his acting career, finally something people would talk about that would be solely his, like not really, but let him have his moment alright, he was desperate 

lowkey feels guilty about being a hypocrite towards cassie because he’s telling her not to do any of the thing 

ADDICTION TW he almost kicked his habit but getting back into acting and the guilt of having blood on his hands, was too much for matty, and he developed a drug / alcohol dependency, which he recognized was extremely harmful! he went to rehab! and has been very vocal about his struggle with addiction ever since

had an on set romance with a costar that crashed and burned, quite publicly, and was just not good for his mental health one bit! def didn’t help with his constantly teetering sobriety but he managed to get through it with the help of his family and his friends

acting wise he’s starred in a bunch of movies but his baby is the netflix show that he’s been working on, i would like to think it’s kind of a sitcom esque show mixed with the same comedic timing of the office, parks n rec, those kinda self-aware humor vibes

ADDICTION TW he plays one of the main character, and his dipped his toes into directing and writing a couple of episodes, the show truly gives me one day at a time vibes, just brings light to mental health, addiction, important issues you don’t normally see portrayed on tv, and he def plays schneider, the bumbling rich boy who does and says what he’s told, struggles with addiction, has a super childish nature, and just a hint of self-awareness but just a hint as a little treat

this is so ooc but i’m realizing he’s quite literally schneider from one day at a time

MENTAL HEALTH TW & ANXIETY TW has receded from that cool kid persona he once held back in what i refer to as his ‘glory days’ and is now extremely vulnerable to everything and everyone, will literally cry if you even look at him the wrong way. struggles with really bad anxiety, among other mental health issues (which is why his netflix show and he advocate so heavily for mental health!) but is quite literally one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, softness runs in the oliver family ig.

IS LITERALLY SO CHILDISH....where was once extremely mature for his age....he now copes with his trauma by just acting like a toddler, literally mixes chocolate milk IN HIS MOUTH like a heathen, but that still doesn’t stop him from being fiercely protective of cassie, and will fight anyone for her

currently vibing! filming, being his best(?) self, and making trips to the nj coast

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

positive traits. accommodating, adaptable, affable, affectionate, agreeable, altruistic, amiable, attentive, caring, cheerful, communicative, compassionate, considerate, courteous, creative, dependable, easy-going, empathetic, exuberant, friendly, fun-loving, generous, gentle, genuine, gregarious, helpful, honest, humane, humble, joyful, kind, lively, loyal, loving, optimistic, outgoing, passionate, playful, reliable, resilient, romantic, sincere, sociable, tender, trustworthy, thoughtful, understanding, and warm-hearted.

negative traits. anxious, amenable, avoidant, awkward, critical, defensive, disorganized, dogmatic, (over)emotional, evasive, foolish, forgetful, forgiving, gullible, headstrong, hopeless, idealistic, impatient, impulsive, irrational, messy, moody, oblivious, (over)protective, sensitive, shy, thoughtless, and weak-willed.

𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

here’s some basic plot ideas but we can always brainstorm smth! friends, frenemies, enemies, friends to lovers, childhood friends, ex best friend, costars, unrequited crush, bad influence, exes, one night stand, roommates! i have

[fallen029]

Risk and Reward

When he was a little boy, Laxus found that he felt alone. A lot.

Which wasn't wholly true. Gramps was always there. Even when his parents couldn't be. Separated by death from his mother and by mental instability from his father, the man was a rather steady constant in his early life. Not to mention many of the other, now long gone members from the guildhall that had no real, lasting impression on Fairy Tail's new breed, not really, but when he remembered the glory days, the people he emulated and adored, it was always from when he was around the age of five and even the lowliest of mage looked like a master.

Still, for all the people he was around, Laxus always felt kinda lonely. The women in the guild liked to sing to him and giggle at all his fantastical, little child lies and the men liked to toss him up on their shoulders and tell fantastical embellishments of their own.

But they all left.

Eventually.

The life of the mage was hard and not made for family men leading to many leaving it as they aged. It was an unreliable profession, if it could even be called that, that was abandoned somewhere along the way for most. It always stung though, hurt real deep, when someone had their emblem removed because they'd gotten married or found something more productive to do with their time, than drinking and spell casting.

When he was really little, Laxus couldn't wait to have a kid of his own, a son, who'd he teach magic to and come home with gifts from exotic places for, like his daddy did for him. But as Ivan got more deluded and memories of his faded from his mind, it became difficult for him, even as a young child, to desire that.

A family.

Because families eventually were ripped apart. Whether from death, illness, or just the person joining a new guild or deciding the life wasn't for them, there was no constant for him. There was no constant for anybody. It was just better to learn and accept that.

The closest thing you could ever have, ever treasure, were friends and it took him a damn long time, even, to make that concession. But with as loyal followers as the Thunder Legion, it was hard not to. Even as hard as he tried to push them away, as horrible as he was to them at times, they were there for him, to see him through it.

And he had no doubt, regardless what became of the guild or any of their personal lives, that nothing could ever truly tear them apart.

Nothing.

But that didn't mean that he went back on any of his other assertions. No. As he grew, Laxus found little need for a family. Nothing deeper than the guild or the Thunder Legion, at least. He had fine luck with women and when something ran it's course, that was just it.

It was good that way.

For a long time.

He figured it was the same way for Mirajane too, honestly, in the beginning. She told him as much, or at least he felt, one of the nights when they laid together in his bed and tried hard to not consider the ramifications of their relationships recent development.

"My parents loved one another," she recalled softly as he laid beside, seemingly disinterested outwardly, hoping he didn't give away too much how deeply he cared for her words. "Very much. We didn't have a lot, you know, or they didn't, I guess, but… They sick. One right after the other. And then… Sometimes it just bothers me, I guess. To think about. How you can do everything right, bother absolutely no one, and you still end up..."

He agreed.

Wholeheartedly.

Life took things from you. Everything from you. And fine, yes, you had to make some concessions, allow yourself some joys, but to take too much, to indulge too harshly, only led to heartbreak. You didn't need more than a guild and good friends. Anything more just bled you dry eventually.

Which was why he knew that it had to end eventually. He welcomed it, even. He and Mirajane were never supposed to be together, it was a gross overstepping of boundaries and he knew, oh man, he knew, how sticky and horrible guild relationships went, but he just…

They both loved Fairy Tail, more than anything, and knew what it stood for and meant. So when, inevitably, everything in their slowly forming relationship broke apart, he just hoped they'd be able to amicably find peace between them.

If only for the sake of the enigma they both treasured so deeply.

But things never seemed to reach their natural end. He thought they should. Soon. He was gone a lot, on his S-Class jobs, and that was usually what led to women eventually growing tired of him. It made it difficult to build a connection, much less maintain it, and he was reaching an age where the women in his circle wanted some sort of commitment.

Something real.

But Laxus always felt too real.

Mira was always just there though, holding down the guildhall while he was away, and she didn't seem to wonder what took him so long, on jobs that seemed rather upfront. Never questioned his activity or absence.

"I'd travel too," she admitted to him once. "If I could."

When he mentioned her ability to do just this, she only shook her head, made a vague reference to the bar, and, well, he wasn't pushing her into anything. Not when she wasn't doing it to him either.

That was the thing though. She wasn't pushing him. At all. Mirajane seemed just as content with their lack of pace as he was trying so hard to find any sort of issue with it. There was nothing he could find wrong with them, not enough to sacrifice what she did bring to his life at least, and man, he wanted there to be something.

Anything.

But there was nothing.

"Sometimes," Mira told him one night as they walked to his apartment together, late at night, after he stuck around to watch her close down the hall, "I just want to stay in moments. You know?"

He knew.

But he also knew that you couldn't.

Because time went forward and feelings couldn't stay stagnate, no matter how much you wanted them to. They either grew or diminished and he didn't understand it, really, why it was becoming increasingly hard to even picture himself with someone else, to think about what he wanted with Mirajane, their life, their future, and how could he even think about that? A future? With someone who thought the exact same as him, that if you fell too hard into it, gave into the universe too much, it would rip your heart right back out of you?

He didn't think he could be that open. That honest. But one morning as they sat at the kitchen table, over the breakfast she'd prepared, Mirajane only stared at him with quizzical eyes and a curious expression.

"Laxus," she asked softly after he finished, laid it all out there, all his thoughts and feelings, in an honesty on stone cold sobriety could provide, "you think that I don't want that? To fall in love and get married and-"

"Your parents died, Mira," he told her plainly with a heavy tone. "And so did mine. And so does everyones. No matter how much you love one another, you always die. Or end up divorced. Or separated. Or you have a kid and you feel stuck together forever even though you're miserable and-"

"Laxus, that's the point though." And she smiled in uncertainty, reaching across the table to lay a hand over his. "You can't experience real happiness without risk. Theirs no reward without it. I didn't tell you about my parents because I hate how it turns out for them; I told you about it because I think about them all the time and how lucky I would be, even if just for a night, to find myself that in love. No matter how it ended."

Staring heavily down at their hands then, Laxus shook his head as he said, "I just… I don't want to be hurt. Or to hurt someone else like that."

"Then you'll never get to really experience it," she replied simply. "And that makes me really sad for you."

She started to retract it then, her hand, to shift back in her seat, but Laxus was quick then, to grasp her hand, and as Mirajane only stared at him with wide eyes, Laxus found his own avoiding the woman's with a huff.

"I think I love you," he whispered softly, making a disgusted face despite his declaration. "Mirajane."

Grinning warmly, she told him in full sincerity, "I know, dragon."

And he couldn't be for sure, certainly not in that moment, that it wouldn't all blow up in his face in the coming days, much less months or years, but as he let out a breath then, he didn't realize how empty he'd feel, with his admission. But as he sucked one right back up, staring into the woman's bright blue eyes, he felt a fullness he hadn't in a long time.

Laxus hadn't felt alone in a long time. Not since he was a little boy. Not since he'd discovered the sense of companionship that could be derived from one's team, friends, followers, and guild.

But that early winter morning, as Mirajane giggled and he allowed himself to smile, if only a bit, he found that there had been something else missing as well. The indulgence he'd always kept at arms length. For as bitter as he knew it would taste, were it to be taken away, he had to admit, in that moment, there was nothing sweeter.

[adiityav]

End of the Intro Trilogy from Diaries of a Ghost

You got two options now. You either are going to take the easy way out you are going to run away from that damned hell of hours that you only set for yourself. Which one is it because time is ticking and you don’t have much time to waste. Or any time more at all. You might be thinking you choose your own path to make it seem everything is alright but by the end, you come down to this as you do every single day. Which one is it, you aren’t going to be let go until you pick an answer chained in that very seat you wasted hours in. Every single day, every single moment, it’s torture. Do you remember when there was a good time in your life when you were truly innocent, it really must have been the life but that changed quickly for you. If you go die, it’s only going to prove the statistics, you go run away, you know they won’t look for long and you will be back right here in your chair in the very hell you created. Only God can save you now because every single beating you took and every single phrase that you said led to this point. You thought back of fighting back. You led an establishment in your head that they won’t listen to you quiet or loud. They mess with your head. They bully you. They are both delusional and psychotic. You only got two options now. Imagine how nice it would be to not go anywhere and then waiting in the corner just to beat you up. Take every single relationship you have and throw it down the drain. Every word they state is only one part of the big picture. What they haven’t realized is you only pushed yourself harder or so you think. No matter how hard you try they will always be better and no matter what you do they will know how to take you down, again and again, one step ahead. They mess with your head. First, it’s the shell. Then they get to your head with the holes they beat inside of you. Every single moment of your life was you fighting back. You wanted to fight back physically but it only made it worse for you. You couldn’t will yourself to hurt another, could you? I am only sitting in the very chair you will use to help satiate that one truth in your head. The one that you spent countless lifetimes trying to convince people it was alright. Trying to convince people nothing is happening. Trying to convince people... enough of that.

 I don’t see you speaking too much anymore. You’ve given up. Accepted life was just one task done over and over again. You live the next day. You don’t look for another but you manage that. You gave up lying to yourself. But you put that facade another day. And the next... and the next... I think you are done now. Once you lose that mask, the world will see you for who you are. Someone who will end up in the morgue the next day or the next. You are scared, aren’t you? You don’t want anyone to know how you are and how you feel. You keep lying. You know you messed up. Every single step you take. Every single person that you met. You messed up their lives as well now. You're in the doorway. Drop the mask and never find someone to love. Drop the mask and never feel anything. Drop the fucking mask, and you can’t go back. Drop that mask you won’t be you anymore. Drop the mask... I can’t anymore. Who are you and who is I. It’s the same person one and all. Is it time for you yet? Do you think you kept it in yourself long enough? Are you going to will yourself to walk life without any emotion? Stop crying. I hurt myself for far too long. This same voice is the one that helps you read. This same voice is the one that imagines for you. This same voice is who you are. If you do end up dying and no matter how sad you are, please live for another day. I understand how you feel. I beat myself constantly and hate myself. I only set motion everything that was part of the past and kept it replaying in my head again and again until it eats you out like a parasite. Now, look at you. Look at yourself. Fake smile. What’s next. Laughing is something that is real I guess. Fake, every single thing people know or think about you is fake. Because the moment you met them, you were lying. You aren’t happy and truthful and positive. That’s only what you wanted yourself to believe and them. You and I know that we both can’t keep doing this. I am going to sit down now. Going to cry a bit. Maybe take a couple of pills like I usually did and break my streak of pill sobriety. You weren’t happy. You won’t be. Every single thing that gets close only pushes them further away because of me. Your own head fighting it’s self. Your own mind. Your own thoughts and feelings. It kills you such as one getting stabbed. You never wanted to cut yourself because there wasn’t a point for it. I either hate myself to go full out or suffer longer but perhaps cutting myself was really alright to make sure I felt that pain of everyone I hurt and everyone I did wrong. Cutting is better than these pills meant for medication that you abused. I don’t know. You are tired every single moment of your life because I am here like a virus. It got to your thoughts and tries to get to your brain. You never wanted to turn out numb like this. You never wanted to show someone the truth of you. You are the ghost. You sit here watching life as a movie only here for the ride. The third installment for the diaries of a ghost beginning was to show what you really are to the world. You write these stories you convey how you feel and what you think and what you go through. I think it’s time soon. You have been like this for a long time. I think there are now only two answers for you now. Suffer or die.

Writer’s Note

I debated whether to release this or not because well it confirms it for some people and well for others it’s I think something they didn’t know. The fact that it did start questioning me for others was me noticing that they can tell I put on a mask or that “fake” in me. I don’t look for pity nor do I wish to be talked about constantly because I am the same person you have always known mask or not. I have been depressed for quite some time and this year has been the worst for me and the people around me. Depression is a lack of dopamine which causes a chain reaction effect leading into a lack of serotonin which is main mood regulator and then lack of oxytocin removed the love to certain things that you feel whether that be another or a memory or something of that sort. Perhaps you may know more than what I know if you took Psychology. Depression isn’t something where you are sad one day and happy the next and caused by life events unless you have Bipolar or Manic. It’s constant and prevalent in each person’s daily life. They choose how to get over that constant sadness with a distraction and this is something that can be good or bad. Pill popping, drugs, alcohol, self-harm. But there are always good ones as well, helping people was one I did for 3 years straight and it did help a little by accepting what was happening to me and using those feelings to help guide and promote other people to make them feel good. That feeling that you get from helping others did feel good. But like any other distraction, I don’t know if it’s me getting worse or the tolerance of it which led me to get worse is where it hit this year. This past couple of months led me to go get help after a close friend of mine urged me to go get help and I have been doing quite so. I think I don’t know where I would be without them and I know they are probably reading this and there is my sense of gratitude for them. I kept this a secret because I was afraid of people figuring out. I was afraid of what they will say and what will happen to me. I was afraid what their depiction of me to sort of state. Except for its high school year and in 2 more years college and that appals me. That is two more years, it’s only a short time. I am opening out like stated before I don’t want to be pitied, people who come out for anything and are pitied to make them feel good but I don’t need that. I am talking about this because for people who are like me, this is really to you. I have honestly no idea of what you went through and why you are like this. There can be so many reasons as to why you came out like that and I can’t signify or list the number of reasons and perhaps choose one in particular. If you think you can manage it, you can do so, but the moment you feel like it’s not working I highly advise you to get help. Or if you can’t manage it right now, people say this all the time but just talk to me in any way. Via text or in person if you know me. Even if you saw me or met me once I don’t care. I went online for a while, I have seen people around the world left and right and I help them out under a different persona of mine. I barely know half the people I talk to because that is the beauty and nature of the internet. Though talking online to random people if they are down is extremely risky so in hindsight, I don’t recommend it. In all, I did this for people to see me for who I am because I don’t want people to know me for my facade. I will still keep up the facade and over a couple of months and this might get better for me like how it has before. Now I guess I have said more than enough so I will leave this up to you. Just know that life doesn’t need to end so quick none the less of pain.  I thank you all for everything and since the intro trilogy is now done and one secret over I think we are good for another maintained release of story collections ;). Stay tuned.

[mommavalentinee]

2:54am. Saturday, January 4th 2020 & the idea of moving mountains

It’s been a long couple of days. Honestly it feels like WEEKS. Every time I give myself credit that I’m doing so well. Every time I began to celebrate my small achievements, like not pulling out my hair for 4 weeks I realize my set back was closer than I thought it would be.

Sleep has been so hard for me to find. I’ve taken pills. Nothing. I’ve started finding myself lost in the night wondering where I’m going in this life and constantly panicking that sleep is going to be absent and I’ll just have to figure something to do in its place.

I think I need to start working out again. Which I haven’t and I really want to but I have no idea where to start. I have a baby and honestly I’m going through so much drama right now, it seems impossible to find someone to watch her.

The last time I worked out my mind was so clear and sleep was so easy I was able to sleep every night without a sleeping pill. Now it’s a minute away from 3am and I honestly would do anything to just close my eyes and rest. Insomnia, what are you gonna do?

On another note I have gone vegetarian or I guess the real word is pescatarian. But I don’t eat fish so vegetarian. Quitting chicken was hard but leaving beef behind was easy. I’m not gonna lie I’m going to miss chicken so much. But it’s gonna be better for me to maintain a healthier lifestyle and it forces me to use the kitchen just a little more. Win win.

Being a mom has been so rewarding lately my sweet girl is hitting the 6 month mark in 6 days. She’s over the sleep regression stage and back on track to being my angel baby. Nothing much has changed except she’s wearing a size three diaper now. I just find myself less lost and more excited for my days with her. For a while there I dreaded James going to work and leaving me with her, but honestly I love my days with her. She’s gotten so much more clingy with me, because James is working every day. I know it makes me sound so selfish I just love being her person, and her being mine. I know no matter what I do during the day I got my little side kick right there with me.

James has been doing okay. We had a major set back a couple of days ago and while I would rather not talk about it much it had nothing to do with drugs, so I’m also glad that he maintains his sobriety and is working towards a real future with me. We have decided to push back the wedding, for both of our sanity’s because let’s face it, it was a hard year. With James going to jail back in November a week after he started working his job. And with me dealing with my own demons, moving, figuring out all the crap. we’re lucky we made it out alive.

Family drama remains what it is, family drama. I can’t really speak much on that. Just for the benefit of my mind I have to really keep it laying low.

But as far as the last week goes we had it hard, we had it easy, we found ourselves walking backwards and made it out alive. I spent REAL time with my best friend and found myself smiling again. Which is the first in a while.

I can’t believe it really is a new year with so many different opportunities. I have 361 days in front of me that I can do whatever I want with. It sounds impossible because I say this every year but I truly believe this year is gonna be my year.

This year, I’m moving mountains.

Signing out, E.

[themiddlelayer]

Okay, Universe...I hear you!

When I was in the process of leaving Tampa people would ask me how I was doing. My answer was that I was getting things done but my meltdown was scheduled for February 15th so I’d have enough discounted chocolate to get me through it. I was mostly joking, but apparently Universe was listening attentively and granted my wish.  

Dinner with Puppy on Thursday went well, bad food and crappy service aside. My work day had been productive and I’d initially planned on meeting Subby Soldier for coffee and a movie Friday night but he ended up with overnight duty. I was bummed but decided that doing Galentine's Day with Cookie was a great plan. 

I was craving my mac and cheese... lots of real cheese, milk, all the things that are worth the pain on occasion. My mood was generally okay but I still knew I needed a little extra comfort. I cooked dinner at her house and we got caught up on Grey’s Anatomy with a box of chocolates between us. And then things started to unravel. 

First it was Tampa sending me a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text. That pissed me off to no end. Like, how fucking dare he!?! What did he think I would do given that I haven’t responded to ANY of the messages he’s sent me? Did he think I’d be so weak and sad that I’d finally reply and open that door again? Fuck that! 

And then Byron called me. I love that man with all of my heart and wish I was closer so I could be more of a support. His daughter’s murderer was convicted of 2nd degree murder and a stack of lesser offenses which was good news overall. I think he expected the verdict to make him feel better, but I’m afraid that it’s just taken away the thing he was focusing his anger. I worry about him all the time. 

The thing that broke the floodgates during our call was him talking about how amazing I am... he tells me that I’m the smartest person he’s ever known and how much he loves me. He said that he knows a lot of his issues in life happened because of his own choices...���It’s not that I didn’t want to grow up I just didn’t know how.” Ouch! 

He then said that it’s super shitty because I’ve had to keep rebuilding my life because of other people’s choices and behavior. That’s one of those things that’s almost harder to hear. I honestly thought that I was always the good guy in my own story because I couldn’t see what I was doing wrong. That’s human nature. We need to believe we are doing things right even if we aren’t. Having someone outside of it all telling me that I wasn’t wrong except for loving the wrong men and giving too much of myself away... fuck...  It really is harder to hear that I am worthy, I am loved, I am fucking amazing and that it’s truly their loss. Just ouch. 

Saturday morning I woke up around 6am in a lot of pain, physical and emotional. After crying for a little while, I dozed off again and slept until well past 10am. Even then, there was more crying and lounging in bed until almost noon while I messaged Puppy and chatted a bit with Subby Soldier. 

I made plans to pull myself out of bed and meet Subby Soldier at a local park then go to a movie. It was a slow morning and he said he was helping a friend with his computer but he’d keep me posted on timing. I was dressed and ready to go when he said he had gotten in the shower. And that’s when the bubble burst. Subby Soldier had told me that he and his wife were in an open relationship... that she would be so excited to hear about his stories as that’s what their thing was... Nope! 

I was the one to do the blocking... And it wasn’t about him by any means. I was genuinely just looking for a band aid... for temporary relief while I’m putting myself back together. But I felt really stupid. I pulled my boots off and cried away all of my makeup. 

Byron called me in the midst of a crying jag which helped me simmer down a bit. He was just checking in on me again, but he opened with asking if I’d heard about the trial. When he called on Friday night he sounded... tired... and I do worry that he isn’t maintaining his sobriety after all. I wouldn’t blame or judge him in the least if that was the case, I just want him healthy and safe. 

It was also in the throes of it all that a communication breakdown happened between Juno and Puppy about him coming down today. One of the things I’d been thinking about when I woke up was that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have Puppy stay overnight. Sex is one thing, sleeping together is a whole other level of intimacy. 

Juno had asked Puppy to talk about things, not because she isn’t comfortable with me but because she’s owning her own feelings and growing pains around practicing polyamory after their history of monogamy...I seriously adore her! 

I expressed MY feelings to Puppy and he assumed that Juno had said something to me that prompted it. He lashed out to her and she called me crying. 

I reassured her the best I could that I was not going to allow Puppy to behave like that and that if he didn’t get it together and take proper care of her emotional needs that he would lose me quick. I’m not about to cause any more pain or stress for her. As much as I adore Puppy and am looking forward to seeing his D-type side it’s not worth it to me if everything isn’t fully above board and healthy everywhere. I ‘laid the law down’ with Puppy I got a short reply, then nothing for several hours until he messaged later with an apology. 

I pulled myself together eventually, had a bite of sativa fudge and made myself some air-fried buffalo tofu. From there I pulled out a Frida puzzle and started sorting it. 

My phone rang a little later and it was Spartan Man from Texas. He’s been on facebook a ton lately and I’d just been thinking about how much I missed having the kind of relationship he and I had. We were on and off for about 6 years. When we were free we had amazing sex, made videos together and were generally fuck buddies with emphasis on buddies. 

When we were involved with others and doing the monogamy thing we still enjoyed hanging out, watching documentaries and having long talks about the nature of life, humanity, and all things deep and esoteric. He did kinda fall off the deep end awhile back with his affinity for Alex Jones and all things 2 steps too far into homeopathic land, but over-all he’s a good guy and we always had drama-free fun together. 

We talked about the good times and the ‘blue screen moments’ as he called the really good times, especially the one when I came over to trip sit while he and his roommate were shrooming. We are both single but I know that actually getting romantically involved with him would be out of the question, even if we were in the same zip code. However, I wouldn’t rule out a weekend together at some point. 

After we hung up I realized that my fudge had kicked in and I was a little high. I sent him a text apologizing if I’d been extra chatty and telling him why. More flirty texts were exchanged before I melted into the couch for more Letterkenny until I was ready for bed. 

Overall Saturday was exhausting so I didn’t feel bad crawling back into bed less than 12 hours from when I’d crawled out. I slept this morning until 9am and have been chatting with Juno all morning. 

She and Puppy seem to be doing a little better this morning and she sent me a pic of them curled up in bed with their new little fur baby. It made me smile lots. 

Ultimately, I get it that the Universe is just keeping me out of trouble. I’m trying not to be resentful of the fact that I’m clearly not allowed a band aid and that I have to do all of this the hard way... again... but in the end I know it’s just another round of serious growing pains. 

I’ve got my tattoo consult in a few hours. I’ve decided on a phoenix to cover the bad ink on my shoulder that I got 25 years ago. The artist won’t be available to do the work until Sept/Oct but but her work is worth waiting for. That, and depending on how many sessions it will take I may get it done on or near my birthday. 

I’m on my do-over 40 and skipping to 42 this fall because, as we all know, 42 is the meaning of life! 

Off to start the day... or should I say afternoon. We’ll see how things go with Puppy and how I’m feeling tomorrow. I’m hoping that things will go well and I’ll have a big smile on my face soon enough... but I know that whatever happens it really is for the best. 

I hear you, Universe! I really do! 

[violetsgallant]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241844 https://ift.tt/2ONA39c

[bobbiejwray]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241842 https://ift.tt/2ONA39c

[alyssamanson5]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from https://www.spiritualriver.com/holistic/what-defines-you-in-long-term-addiction-recovery/

[haileyjayden3]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from https://www.spiritualriver.com/holistic/what-defines-you-in-long-term-addiction-recovery/

[alexdmorgan30]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://ift.tt/2ONA39c

[pitz182]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

[emlydunstan]

What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery

When you are first starting out in early addiction recovery it can be difficult to imagine what your life is going to look like in a few years.

What we think is important and critical at that time may not be what ends up being ultimately important to us later on. So it can be good to talk to people who have accumulated some time in the world of addiction recovery, people who have gained that perspective.

I am lucky enough that I have been clean and sober now for over 17 years continuous and I have been working towards improving my life and my recovery during that time. So what I thought was important back then and what I know to be important to me today are definitely two different things.

My life today is defined by what I do, for the most part. I have my routines and I have certain things that I do on a regular basis and these are a big part of what defines my life. Another thing that defines my life today are my relationships and the people that I have that are close to me. My family and my circle of friends and my coworkers are a big part of who I am today.

The job that I am doing is an important part of who I have become. I am lucky enough to have two jobs that involve carrying a message of recovery to people who are trying to turn their life around. This was an evolution of course because when I first got into recovery I started working a job that was not exactly recovery related. Later on I was able to transition to more meaningful work, work that allowed me to directly help struggling addicts or alcoholics.

At one point my sponsor in recovery suggested that I go back to school and pursue more education. I took that suggestion and I went back to college and that has proven to be part of what defines me in my life journey.

So there can be some big and significant decisions that will come to define you: Job, school, family, living situation, and so on. And ultimately you want to be putting in the effort so that you make good decisions when it comes to these major life choices.

If you are just starting out in recovery then you may be overwhelmed at the thought of all of these major life choices. I would urge you to take it very slow, to relax, and to just do the next right thing (as they say in AA meetings often). You do not have to solve all of the world’s problems in a day. If you make it through today without taking a drink or a drug then that is a very healthy start. If you keep maintaining sobriety on a daily basis then you have the foundation for a better life in recovery.

To some extent you are going to be defined by your growth experiences. In other words, if you look at your life and figure out what you need to do in order to improve who you are as a person, and also figure out what it is that you truly want in life. Those two things will hopefully drive your decisions and allow you to become a better version of yourself.

Let me give you some examples. When I first got clean and sober my therapist and my sponsor were helping me to see that I needed to make certain changes. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly creating all of this drama in my own head, and I was trying to position myself as the victim in various life situations. Why was my brain doing this?

I realized that my brain was setting up excuses so that I would have a reason to drink or take drugs. If I was the victim and if I had been “done wrong” then I had an excuse to relapse. My brain was doing this proactively, in advance, in case it decided that it needed to drink or take drugs.

Now this thought pattern was happening even without my permission. I genuinely wanted to remain clean and sober, and I had made the decision to stop drinking “for good.” But my brain did not seem to realize this, and it just kept right on going with the justification and the rationalization.

So I had to realize this, first of all. I had to notice that it was even happening. Then I had to figure out how to shut it down; how to correct the behavior. My therapist and my sponsor were able to give me suggestions to be able to figure out how to do that. I eventually trained my own mind to stop making excuses to drink or take drugs.

What has defined who I am today in long term recovery is a series of decisions that I made along the way. Those decisions followed this format: Identify the problem, gather information about how to conquer the problem, make a plan to overcome it, execute that plan.

So my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers in AA were able to help me identify the issues and the problems that were potential hang ups for me in early recovery. Then they were able to make suggestions as to how to go about overcome those issues.

So I started to do this one at a time. I would identify my biggest stumbling block, then make a plan to overcome it. Then it was “rinse and repeat”: find the next stumbling block, the next hang up, and figure out what that was so that I could eliminate it.

This worked well for me and it slowly began to transform who I was in early recovery. At some point I realized that I was happy in my life in spite of the fact that I was sober, and this got me really excited. In fact this motivated me to keep doing more and more in terms of personal growth, because I could see that it was working and that it was leading me to a better life.

Today I can identify pretty quickly when there is an opportunity for personal growth. It is typically an area of my life in which I am experiencing some level of discomfort. That is where the opportunity is. Every time that I make a leap forward and grow in my recovery I gain a little bit more freedom.

I can remember when I was in active addiction, I was drinking every day and I had a group of friends and drinking buddies, and I was afraid that if I got sober that I would lose all of those friends and that it would change my personality. And people argued with me and said “yeah, but it will change your personality for the better if you get sober, and you will have new friends in sobriety, and everything will be so much better.”

I did not believe them at the time because I was scared. I lived in fear. I wanted to stay drunk forever and have my little circle of friends and just be who I was at the time, stuck in a cycle of drinking. I did not want to believe that I could change, that I my life would be so different, and that it would be better. I did not want to have to meet a whole new set of friends and go through that scary process.

But eventually I got so miserable in my drinking that I surrendered, went to rehab, and did exactly that–I got a whole new circle of friends, I built a new life for myself in sobriety, and I started challenging myself to identify my fears, my hang ups, my anxiety–and to push through it. This is what has defined my life, and this is what has led to the success, freedom, and happiness that I have today.

Recovery is scary and it is hard work. It is also wonderful and has an amazing payoff.

Meanwhile, addiction is just sad and boring, and it keeps getting worse.

The price you pay for recovery is that you must face your fears.

Are you ready to take the plunge? Come join us!

The post What Defines You in Long Term Addiction Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://www.spiritualriver.com/holistic/what-defines-you-in-long-term-addiction-recovery/

[jaylazoey]

How to Handle Your Sobriety with Care

Most of us who get a taste of the good life in sobriety do not want to screw it all up and relapse.

So how exactly do we go about handling our recovery with care? How do we insure that we not screw up and go back to our old life of misery and chaos?

How do we make sure that we stay the course in recovery and maintain our sobriety?

I have a number of suggestions for you based on two things: One, what was worked for me personally in my 17 plus years of continuous sobriety. But also two, what I see working for others who are on the path of recovery. I happen to work in the field of substance abuse treatment and I continue to try to help people to recover on a regular basis. So I am constantly observing and watching people struggle to overcome addiction, to find a new path in life, to turn things around for themselves.

So here is what I have learned, and here is what I see working for myself and others.

For starters I think it is super important to begin your recovery journey with a strong foundation. Now there are exceptions to this that you can find out in the world, where a struggling alcoholic may have overcome their addiction without really using a strong foundation at all–they just sort of found their way into recovery without too much outside help, and they were lucky enough to figure it all out on their own somehow.

This doesn’t seem to work for most people, including those who consider themselves to be very intelligent people. For the most part it seems as if the typical addict or alcoholic cannot really outsmart their disease. In order to get clean and sober successfully you must humble yourself a great deal, and that means asking for help. The more help that you seek out the greater your foundation will be in early recovery.

What I am really suggesting with all of this “foundation talk” is that the struggling alcoholic go to inpatient treatment at the beginning of their sobriety journey. My recommendation is that they call a treatment center, make an appointment, and go through a 28 day program in order to get their recovery started out in the right direction.

As I mentioned, there are exceptions to this idea. People have sobered up without going to a 28 day program–sure. That has happened before. However, I am in the field of substance abuse treatment and I see people struggling to get sober every day and I get to see a lot of what is working for folks and what is not. So what I am telling you is that, given the opportunity, any struggling addict or alcoholic should opt to go to rehab if they can hook that up for themselves. Skipping treatment just makes the journey harder and more challenging. Part of giving yourself every possible advantage means that you will seek out inpatient treatment and be willing to attend it. That is really the best way to get started in recovery.

Now another very important principle as far as taking care of your sobriety has to do with follow through. When a person is at inpatient treatment it is very easy for that person to remain sober, because they are in controlled environment. When they actually leave rehab and go back out into the freedom of the real world, that is when the real test of their sobriety begins. So at that time they need to be pushing themselves to follow through with any meetings, therapy, treatment, or suggestions that were made to them while they were in professional treatment services.

In other words, you have to do the work. You can’t just go through a 28 day program and then say “I’m cured!” and move on with your life. It doesn’t work that way. You have to be “in this” recovery thing for good now. It has to become your life, it has to become your priority, and you need to complete dedicate yourself to working on your recovery every single day.

When I was stuck in denial, this all sounded like a whole lot of extra work and effort. I wondered “but how long do I have to dedicate my life to recovery?” The answer is: Forever. Just assume that you will always have to focus hard on remaining clean and sober, on pushing yourself towards self improvement, and so on.

This is what I am really suggesting: Just go “all in” when it comes to recovery. Assume that you are going to have to dedicate all of your effort and energy to personal growth for the remainder of your life, and then act accordingly.

Once you start to live your new life of sobriety and you start to reap the rewards of doing so, you will not regret this “all in” decision that you are making. Once you see just how good your life can become in sobriety, you will not regret the decision to dedicate your life to the cause.

Now in order to truly be “careful” with your sobriety you have to make sure that you are not becoming complacent. This is the main long term danger in addiction recovery–that you get lazy at some point and think that you have the disease beat for good.

So in order to avoid complacency you need to somehow stay motivated to keep on learning, to keep on growing, and to keep on pushing yourself towards next level personal growth. The key is that you have a growth oriented mindset and that you stay open to new possibilities.

One way to do this is to have a therapist, a recovery coach, a sponsor in AA, or some sort of mentor that is helping to keep you accountable. What you really want is for someone to be guiding you through the process of personal growth, through the process of becoming a better and better person.

Why is this important? Why do we need to have a mentor to help hold us accountable in our recovery journey?

The reason that this is so critical is because of the tendency in addiction recovery for self sabotage. We can be our own worst enemy in recovery, and it is very easy for us to talk ourselves into a really stupid idea. This is not because we are stupid people but because our addiction is so powerful. Therefore it makes sense to reach out for help in the form of added accountability through a mentor, a sponsor, a therapist, a coach, or whatever the case may be. Having this extra level of professional guidance in your life can make the difference between success and failure, between sobriety and relapse.

If you really want to work a strong recovery then you need to accept the idea that you are going to need some help in your journey. This starts with the idea of going to inpatient treatment, but it should not stop there. Follow up with IOP, with counseling, with therapy, and with heavy recovery program involvement (such as AA). This is how you truly care for your recovery in a way that is empowering. Good luck!

The post How to Handle Your Sobriety with Care appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241844 https://www.spiritualriver.com/alcoholism/how-to-handle-your-sobriety-with-care/

[roberrtnelson]

The 3 Critical Milestones You Must Pass in Early Addiction Treatment

In order to get clean and sober you have to do certain things.

Sobriety does not just fall into your lap because you wish that your life was different. For any real addict or alcoholic, there is actual work involved wtih the process of transforming your life.

But that work cannot just be ordered from someone who is unwilling to comply. Instead, we all know today that any struggling addict or alcoholic has to actually want to change their life. They have to want it for themselves on a very deep level if they are going to overcome a real addiction.

That willingness has to come from surrender.

So the first milestone in a struggling addict’s journey to sobriety is the moment when they surrender to the fact that they are, in fact, a very real alcoholic or drug addict.

I can remember when I was much younger and less experienced in my own journey, and I can remember seeing others who were alcoholic, and I wondered to myself “Why don’t they just stop drinking?” I had not yet experimented with drugs and booze myself so I had no idea what an addiction was like. But back when I was still a “normie” I believed that any addict or alcoholic should, in theory, just be able to walk away from their substance of choice and get on with their life.

Little did I know….

Years later, I picked up my first drug (which was marijuana by the way) and I was instantly–and quite definitively–off to the races. I later picked up alcohol as well and that caught on for me too. Without even giving my own permission about the matter, I had suddenly become an addict and an alcoholic. It caught me completely off guard.

So for a while I was in outright denial of the fact that I might have a problem. I figured that I was smart enough to lock it down, to cut back if and when I really needed to do so. And that worked for a while. But eventually my disease spun me further and further out of control, and I started to have blackouts while drinking and going through all kinds of chaos.

At some point my family convinced me to attend rehab, which I did. Now here is the key point, though: I had only surrendered to the fact that I was a real alcoholic. I went to rehab and I said “yeah, I guess I am a real drunk with a real problem, I am addicted, I know that I have a serious problem with it. Yes, I admit that.”

However, I left rehab that time and I drank again and went back to drugs. What was going on? Had I not broken through my denial? Had I not admitted to my problem?

Yes, I had surrendered. Partially.

But in order to really turn your life around you must also pass this second, and perhaps more important milestone, which is to surrender to a new solution in your life.

In other words, it is not enough to simply admit–and even to accept fully–that you have alcoholism or drug addiction. That is not enough. You can accept that label all day long, you can go shout it from the hilltops that you are a real alcoholic, but so long as you are not yet accepting a solution into your life, you will remain stuck. You will keep spinning your wheels and dancing between addiction and “being half sober.”

The second milestone, therefore, is to surrender completely to a new solution. To say to the world “yes, I know that I need serious help, and I am ready to do whatever it takes in order to turn this around.”

This is quite different than a simple admission of your disease. I would say that I was admitting that I had a problem with alcoholism and drug addiction for years before I finally made that final leap past my denial and realized that I needed real help.

One of the problems with most addicts and alcoholics is that they are not, in general, stupid people. They are actually fairly intelligent, which works agaisnt their ability to surrender. In order to really succeed they have to essentially “give up” and ask someone else how to live their life. This is not something that comes easily to most people. Therefore we have to bang our heads into the wall for quite some time before we reach the point at which we become willing to humble ourselves to the point necessary.

What does this look like, when a struggling alcoholic has finally broken through their denial and they are accepting of a new solution?

It looks like the person asks for help, and they actually mean it.

Sometimes an alcoholic can ask for help and they are still trying to manipulate their situation so that they can continue to self medicate. This is not really asking for help–they are just trying to keep their addiction fueled. They want to stay on the hamster wheel that is their addiction, rather than find a real solution.

Asking for help from a place of genuine humility means that the person is going to do whatever they can in order to succeed in recovery. Being truly humble means that you are no longer trying to figure out sobriety on your own, but instead you are ready to listen to others tell you what to do.

Being in a state of true surrender means that you are willing to accept someone else’s solution as your own. It means being ready to learn and willing to listen.

And it means being not just willing to do these things, but to be downright desperate for change. To be willing to do anything, whatever it takes. That is the level of willingness that is required to succeed in recovery.

So the third milestone is the moment that you realize that you must go “all in” on recovery. The moment that you realize that you must follow through and do whatever is necessary.

I can remember when I had a few months of recovery in, and I had surrendered fully and I was working a real program. And I can remember being amazed that things really were getting better for me, and that I was starting to see improvements in both my life situation and in my own personal growth. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, which really meant that I was realizing that I could actually be happy in sobriety. Somehow, this recovery thing was working for me, through none of my own talent or effort, but simply because I was following directions and doing what I was told.

And that was the secret, for me at least. I was doing the work. I was following directions. I was doing what I was told to do, and my life was getting better and better.

I wanted for this to continue, and so I can remember having this moment of insight in which I realized that I just had to maintain the course, to stay humble, to keep learning, and to keep following directions. The only way I could really mess it up was if I suddenly decided that I was a super genius who no longer needed the advice of others. That would be the only way I could somehow meet my downfall and relapse. But if I kept doing what was working for me, if I kept listening to my therapist, my sponsor, and my peers at AA meetings–then things would continue to get better and better.

I can remember having that revelation, and feeling grateful that I had finally found the path. It was strange that the path involved letting go, it involved surrender. But that was how I found success in my recovery journey.

The post The 3 Critical Milestones You Must Pass in Early Addiction Treatment appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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The Key Factor in Reinventing Yourself in Long Term Sobriety

The key factor in truly changing who you are as a person in long term recovery is if you are willing to test new ideas and experiment with your life based on the suggestions of other people.

In other words, you need to take advice. Over and over again.

Most people do not realize that recovery is a long, drawn out process. It does not happen in just 28 short days or less. It happens over the rest of your lifetime. And even if a person goes into treatment and they successfully transition out into the real world and they are maintaining sobriety, there is still a lot of work to be done yet.

This is because the biggest threat in long term recovery is that of complacency. The biggest problem that recovering addicts and alcoholics face in the long run is that they might get lazy and complacent in terms of their personal growth.

We always have a choice in life, at any given moment: We can coast along and maintain, changing nothing. Or, we can challenge something about ourselves and seek to change it. When we seek to change for the better this is the process of personal growth. When you improve yourself through this process then you have, in essence, reinvented who you are as a person.

When we make a temporary change then we really haven’t changed at all, because we quickly go back to our old ways. However, if we establish a new habit, then the new change becomes a part of our lifestyle, and this really defines who we are as a person. You are what you do every day. You are a product of your actions, and therefore you are defined by your habits. This was certainly true for all of us in our active addiction–our daily behavior defined the person that we were becoming, and obviously it wasn’t good because of all the crazy behavior we engaged in due to our drug of choice.

In recovery, the key factor is that we trade out our bad habits for healthier habits.

The extension of this idea is that, instead of just changing out our drinking or drug use for AA or NA meetings, we also trade out other unhealthy behaviors for more positive habits.

Now here is the key: We have to do this. It cannot just end when we trade out our substance abuse for group therapy. Sure, that may be the foundation, and a necessary step. But recovery is about much more than just not using drugs or alcohol. We have to reinvent ourselves, continuously, or we will eventually fall back into our old patterns of behavior.

So how do we do this? We listen and we learn and we take advice from people who are successful in recovery.

The process can begin most easily if we attend inpatient treatment. Going to a 28 day program is one of the best choices that you can make in early recovery. There you will get a chance to at least get a solid month of abstinence, and you will also get introduced to a support system that will be able to help you in your early recovery. Actually you will probably encounter multiple supports, such as AA meetings, counseling, therapy, IOP groups, and so on. It is up to the newcomer to tap into these support systems and take advantage of them so that they can sustain their recovery after they walk out of that 28 day program.

The question you need to ask yourself is: What happens on day 29? Sure, you checked into a rehab facility and you are going the 28 day program in the safety of a controlled environment, but what happens on day 29? You need to have a really good answer to this question.

Luckily, while you are in inpatient treatment, the therapy staff and the peers there will be helping you to form a good answer to this question–of what happens on day 29. On that day you need to be set up to attend meetings, to go to follow up therapy or counseling, to be in IOP groups, and so on. If you drop the ball on all of those things then your recovery is in jeopardy.

It is at those follow up support systems that you can really start to learn about recovery “in the real world.” Truth be told, it is pretty darn easy to be in rehab and make it to day 28. But what happens on day 29 when you leave treatment is a whole new ball game, and you have to be prepared for it. You do this by following through with all of the support systems you learned about in rehab.

My sponsor and my therapist made about a half dozen crucial suggestions to me over the course of my early recovery. I took those suggestions and I turned them into positive lifestyle habits. Suggestions such as “Go back to college” and “quit the cigarettes” and “get into shape physically.”

I actually took a lot more suggestions and advice than just these–but some of the suggestions that I took turned out to be life changing for me, because they had such a powerful and positive impact.

But the thing is, you really don’t know exactly which suggestions are going to be life changing for you. For example, there are some people who got into early recovery and started doing yoga after someone suggested it to them. Now yoga has become the pillar of their recovery program and it is essentially their main solution for recovery. It works for them and it helps them to maintain sobriety–good for them.

Will yoga work well for every single person in recovery? Probably not. And so we need to explore, we need to experiment, and in order to do that in a safe and efficient manner, we should take advice from our mentors, our therapist, our sponsor, and the peers in recovery who have the kind of life that we want to live.

So the key factor, the real skill that you want to adopt and practice in your recovery journey is this idea of taking advice, of experimenting in your life, of letting others dictate a suggestion to you and actually putting some effort into the idea.

We need direction and new ideas in order to thrive in recovery. Some of those ideas are going to come from outside of ourselves. We need to learn to trust in other people so that we can take their advice and apply the lessons that they are teaching to us.

Some of these suggestions will turn into duds–we will try a few things that don’t really work out for us. That’s fine. Stop looking for the perfect idea and just do what you are told to do for a while, see if it helps. This is the only way to really test out recovery tactics and strategies–you must live them for yourself. Only then will you know if it is a habit that is worth adding to your lifestyle. Good luck!

The post The Key Factor in Reinventing Yourself in Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.