#trucking career autonomy

[artisticdivasworld]

Autonomy in Trucking: Why Steering Your Own Wheel Matters

Today, let’s talk about something that’s crucial to our success out on the open road: autonomy. Now, before you think this is just another buzzword, let me break it down for you in plain old English. Autonomy is all about having the freedom and independence to make decisions that steer your business in the right direction—literally and figuratively. It’s about being your own boss, calling the…

[gemmahale]

Here's the thing. I'm in a red state, in a county that went red.

I knew that when I moved out here four years ago. (Yes, it was April 2020 and no, I do not recommend moving during a global pandemic.) I accepted that that would be part of it. I made my peace with it, and I do what I can to mitigate the effects.

I'm not scared for me (minus the bodily autonomy thing since my state now has a 12 week abortion ban, and the general fuckery of facists in power) because tbh, I'm white and cis-het passing.

I'm nonbinary and bisexual. Can't tell any of that unless I tell you, and I don't make it well well known. I use she/her at work, wear skirts and dresses, and respond to Mrs/Ms Gemma or Hale (actually folks use my legal first or last name 😉); though Dr. is preferred if I get the choice.

I fly under the radar as a quirky white woman. I'm relatively "protected."

In the wake of the election results rolling out, I'm apprehensive for:

Kallen, who is white-passing Cherokee and a disabled veteran. I've been party to how he's treated differently than I am - by the same checker at the store not more than 5 minutes apart. He moved out here after I established my career, so he had little to no input of where we moved to (other than "I want to be with you.")

My coworkers who already face harassment for being POC in the community (including foreign exchange students that come to do part of their PhD here because of the proximity to the university system). People have been chased out of their positions here due to the racism they've experienced.

My coworkers who would seek to have an abortion (I'm included in this myself).

The LGBTQ+ community here (remember - I'm not out out).

The immigrant and POC communities here

And folks beyond my immediate viscinity

A lot of the community operates on a "mind your shit" basis. But I have to look people in the eye with Trump 2024 caps on and answer their questions politely. I have to drive by trucks with religious bumper stickers and greet them and give them scientifically sound information.

I wanted to believe in a world that valued competency and skill; and then I remember: I was the only one that applied to this job in the boondocks, and we've struggled to get positions filled out here. And I know part of it is not because of the low cost of living or lack of proximity to major shopping centers/social options. 🙃

I'm poking around into what local groups I can get into and donate my time to. My job puts me in direct access with food security resources, so that's probably where I'll start. Perhaps tie into the LGBTQ community because I know there's an active group out here. (I want to get more involved in the community anyway.)

I have to swallow this fear I have of being connected to causes while in my position. Yes, my employer is technically neutral ground, but that doesn't mean I have to be. I am allowed to be civically involved, as long as I make it clear when I am working in a work capacity (branded gear, name tag, etc.) and as a private citizen.

I admittedly got spooked when I received a few letters (to my private address, mind you) stating that I was a poor representative of my institution because I didn't maintain my yard like I should when I first started. (It was a whole thing and got escalated up higher than it needed to and yeah. I still have those letters in my office.)

But folks are starting to know me, and I'm starting to know them too. I need to cast this fear I have aside and be true to my values - accessibility, inclusivity, equity, and justice.

[metabolizemotions]

The clinic scene was the best one so far. It told us how the immigrants were dehumanized n ill-treated but showed how they were treated with respect n care at the clinic. Carina was so kind, empathetic n considerate yet professional towards Beatrix. Beatrix's body language was so defensive n insisted she could speak English. She must have met many rude n condescending healthcare workers. Carina chose to speak Spanish to put her at ease n make sure she understood fully. She kept seeking consent, knowing Beatrix's rights n bodily autonomy were so violated. Then personally following up on her too.

Joey was well-incorporated into the diff scenes, esp the father-son duo one. His talk with Maya quickly escalating... Andy asking if they were done, Maya being like OMG yes! 😂.

I love this little scene n the one at the party where they hugged. They seemed genuinely happy. I wished this friendship was portrayed differently but I am excited to see in the next episode where they would be working side by side again. N Andy better be captaining hard. After all that captaincy drama, now we see Ross n Sullivan at the forefront?

I'm actually glad they didn't have Travis jump straight into another relationship n Vic straight back with Theo. Andy n Theo saying the speak Spanish too lol. Also a good contrast of their optimism n Joey's nihilism.

And the re-creation of the truck top scene, of them in the exact same positions. Jack is missing. Dean is gone. It is emotionally manipulative n I approve.

But the Tully part, no... really no...

Ross came in, compromised everything she said she was for Sullivan. After Surrera, they had been really pushing so hard for Tully, esp this season, filling in blanks n retconning details. Sullivan's more like lead now. So much screentime on him n Ross from the mundane to the dramatic. The others got so little. Even Andy's only captain n mostly background? They spent more time developing Beckett's arc than hers.

I wish they had just focused on the OG n wrap up their stories well. Instead of this forced romance n random new characters.

It's clear they really didn't want the longest-standing couple to be the main couple cos it's w|w. Even tho I'm not fully on board with how Beckett's redemption arc was handled, the way they didn't even consider Ross was wrong at all turned me off. Esp with her talk about wanting both love n career. N not wanting to play small n be a chess piece. After what she did that to Maya.

After the divorce, Andy's just been adrift, w random storylines that didn't move her forward. She became everyone's support n was only all about captaincy. Then they punished Maya's ambitions n made her focus only on family (not that she shouldn't n there are life stages but it's the framing - almost implying she should know her place). Why wasn't the show more about these women thriving at their careers n relationships, on top of their friendship? Vic too.

They really want to spin an illicit affair all the way into an undying love story... Like trying to build a castle on mud n kept decorating it...? After Sullivan fell out with Ripley over Claire - supposed love of his life. Then he told Andy that Claire was cold... n Andy was the one, then now...?

So Ross's sis was supposed to be the audience surrogate... I liked her, but sorry, she didn't win me over. Esp when this original truck scene reminded me of Vicley, whom I loved...

[superintendent-b]

If Alpha-Nine had civilian jobs what do you think they would be?

Ooohhg, fun question!! 😁 I actually think about this a lot, although in a very unserious manner. Sorry this took a while too, I struggle with writing (like heavy on the struggle) but I tried my best to give them in-character answers. Anyways! here's what I have for you…

Buck — for Buck, there's the obvious answer of fisherman. He's had a lot of experience with fishing and seamanship in his childhood, plus he has plenty of strength and stamina now as a Spartan. I don't see him being a particularly smart man so anything that requires higher education would not be a great fit for him. He could be a nice athlete coach too. We don’t know if Buck is interested in any sport but if we’re weighing in his role as Fireteam Osiris’ advisor and mentor, it could work.

Dare — if I'm being honest, it's hard to see her outside of ONI but considering she's a Section One agent, I think she’d be a good fit for a career like archivist, data analyst, or researcher. She might also make a good detective.

Romeo — he'd for sure be a business owner of some kind. I don’t see him being anyone's employee since he can be a little abrasive with authority figures. So it goes without saying that being in a position where he has autonomy/independence is best for him – plus I think he’s smart enough. Also taking into account his previous experience as a Merchant Marine, he could become the marketing specialist behind his business.

And a silly answer I will not give context for, Bartender. (Maybe bar owner…?)

Dutch — He could continue pursuing religious studies and philosophy. We know he studied religion and philosophy prior to being drafted, and sometime before then, he was a truck driver. A religious study degree could lead him to do non-profits or social work, but there's nothing directly related to the degree that fits Dutch. It's the same story with philosophy – though it's useful for understanding things like business or economics. That being said, why not become business partners with Romeo? They were pretty attached in Helljumper (tbh that was kind of just Romeo… my poor clingy boy.) Of course, he could always go back to being a truck driver, but according to Bad Blood that wasn't very fulfilling after being an ODST.

Mickey — in my personal opinion, he could be a firefighter. It gives him the chance to help others in his community, which we know he's all for, and it's dangerous enough that I think it could work for someone like him. He could also thrive as a political activist or (less likely imo) a political leader. Regardless, I think making money wouldn't be a big concern for him as he would be way more inclined to work for non-profits than someone like Dutch.

Annnd joke answer: GameStop employee.

Gretchen — unfortunately there's not a whole lot on her so anything I say would be pure headcanon. However, I don't think a desk job would make her happy. Despite her disability, Gretchen is still a dedicated and ambitious woman – I’d love to see her in the automotive mechanist/technician field or even just general maintenance and repair (again, there’s nothing to suggest she would, but there’s also nothing to suggest she wouldn’t.) On the other hand, I believe she'd be employed with Romeo and Dutch in whatever business idea they’ve cooked up. She served with them both for… however long… I like to think they became a family.

The Rookie — professional sleeper. 64k a year. I'm joking, Rooks can be whatever you want him to be :)

[oliversrarebooks]

Flair-Starved: Monica, the Attention-Starved Ball of Compressed Insecurity

Flair-Starved Masterlist

Omega. Her Flair is being able to absorb and copy an alpha's Flair.

Full of ego and bluster that covers up her deep well of insecurities. High-strung and intense. Tends to see people as with her or against her, with few shades of gray. 

Openly disdainful, rude and irritating to those she does not like. Very difficult to get to know.

Unfailingly supportive and loyal to the few that can get past her prickly exterior and endear themselves to her.

Comes from a rich and powerful and very traditional family, with a way too perfect alpha of an older sister who can do no wrong in their parents' eyes.

She is a very desirable omega, so between that and her successful alpha sister, her parents' expectations are for her to seek out the best possible alpha match.

Monica hates this with a burning passion. She can't stand her controlling and emotionally distant parents, is jealous of her sister, and intensely resentful that she was born an omega.

Very smart and is good at school mostly out of spite to her family. She uses her good grades and extracurriculars to get a scholarship to college. 

Her family only goes along with this because college is a great place for omegas to meet high quality alphas, not because they support her career ambitions. They laugh about her dreams, saying that she'll give them all up and settle down as soon as her hormones start to kick in (generally around the age of 19).

Her passion is food and cooking, but she's studying to try to become a dentist l in the hopes that that will guarantee a career with enough money to escape her family, particularly since single life can be difficult for omegas. 

Is open to bonding with an omega as long as she can find one who is tolerant of her no-alphas agenda.

Unfortunately for her, hormones really do hit her like a truck when she comes of age and she ends up being far too attracted to Tanya against her will.

Her hobby is playing acoustic guitar, one of the few things she finds relaxing.

Want: To become a completely independent omega capable of supporting herself, free of her oppressive family.

Need: Her distant and emotionally abusive family has left her intensely attention-starved, affection-starved, and touch-starved. Deep down, she needs to be accepted and supported for who she is and not what others want her to be.

Fear: That if she experiences too much desire for an alpha (or even for the wrong omega!) she'll be trapped forever in a relationship that strips her of her personality and autonomy. She fears that she can't have the relationships she wants without losing herself, and deep inside worries that no one would have her the way she is.

[louismichaelprieto]

Understanding the Challenges and Rewards of Car Hauling

Car hauling, a critical part of the automotive transport industry, involves moving vehicles from one location to another, often across vast distances. Car hauling services are in high demand for dealerships, individuals relocating, or auto auctions. While the job can be lucrative and offer the freedom of the open road, it also comes with its fair share of challenges. Understanding the rewards and difficulties of car hauling is essential for anyone considering a career in this field.

The Physical and Logistical Challenges

Car hauling presents several physical and logistical challenges that can make it a demanding job. One of the primary difficulties is managing the loading and unloading of vehicles. Each car must be positioned carefully on the trailer, ensuring it is secure and balanced to avoid damage during transport. This process requires both physical effort and precision, as improper loading can lead to costly accidents on the road. Drivers must know weight distribution and safety regulations governing the number of cars they can transport simultaneously.

Additionally, navigating various road conditions and weather can make car hauling more difficult than standard truck driving. Haulers must plan their routes carefully, considering low bridges, narrow roads, and regions where certain truck sizes are restricted. In bad weather, such as snow or rain, transporting valuable vehicles becomes even more challenging. Haulers are responsible for ensuring their cargo and themselves's safety in these conditions, often requiring delays and detours to reach their destinations safely.

Managing Time and Deadlines

Time management is a significant challenge in the car hauling business. Like many logistics-based jobs, car haulers operate under tight deadlines. Customers expect their vehicles to be delivered on schedule, so drivers often must adhere to strict timelines. However, the unpredictable nature of road travel can complicate these schedules. Traffic jams, road construction, and unforeseen mechanical issues can all cause delays, forcing drivers to adjust their plans and communicate with clients to manage expectations.

Drivers also have to comply with hours-of-service regulations limiting the number of hours they can be on the road daily. Balancing these legal restrictions with customer demands requires careful planning and efficient time use. Failing to meet deadlines can lead to dissatisfied customers and, in some cases, financial penalties. Thus, time management and adapting to changing circumstances are essential for successful car haulers.

The Rewards of Independence and Financial Opportunity

While car hauling presents many challenges, it also offers significant rewards, one of the most appealing being independence. Many car haulers enjoy the freedom of being on the open road, often working as independent contractors or running their businesses. This level of autonomy allows haulers to set their schedules, choose their clients, and earn more by managing their workload efficiently.

Financially, car hauling can be a lucrative career. The demand for vehicle transport services is consistently high, and experienced haulers who build a solid reputation can command competitive rates. Many haulers earn additional income by transporting multiple vehicles at once, and specialized hauling services, such as luxury or vintage car transport, can offer even higher payouts. For those willing to put in the work, the financial rewards of car hauling can be significant, making it an attractive option for individuals with the right skill set.

Building a Successful Car Hauling Business

For those looking to turn car hauling into a long-term career, building a successful business requires more than just driving skills. Business acumen is crucial, as haulers must manage customer relations, handle contracts, and maintain their vehicles to ensure efficient operations. Developing a network of reliable clients can lead to repeat business, which is key to sustaining a profitable enterprise in this competitive industry.

Additionally, investing in the right equipment is a critical factor in success. Car haulers must ensure that their trailers and trucks are well-maintained and equipped with the necessary tools for safe vehicle transport. This includes securing the proper insurance to protect against potential damages, which can be costly in the case of an accident. By prioritizing customer service and building a reputation for reliability and safety, car haulers can position themselves for long-term success.

The Future of Car Hauling

As the automotive industry evolves, so too does the car-hauling business. Advances in technology are likely to play a significant role in shaping the future of this field. From improved GPS tracking systems that streamline route planning to automated loading technologies that reduce the physical strain on drivers, innovations will continue to enhance the efficiency of car hauling. Electric vehicles are also becoming more common, and haulers may need to adapt to new regulations and handling procedures specific to these cars.

[immensetruckingsolutionsltd]

Unexpected Advantages of Pursuing or Transitioning to a Career in Trucking at Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd.

At Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd., we believe that pursuing or transitioning into a career in trucking can be a life-changing decision. Here are some unexpected advantages that may inspire you to take the leap and join our team.

Flexible Work Schedule

One of the most appealing aspects of a trucking career is its flexibility. Many trucking positions offer varying schedules, allowing drivers to choose routes that fit their lifestyle. Whether you prefer long-haul trips or local deliveries, Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd. offers options that cater to your personal and family needs. This flexibility can work-life balance, allowing you to enjoy your time outside work. 2. Competitive Salary and Benefits

Trucking can be a financially rewarding career. With the demand for qualified drivers continuously rising, salaries are becoming increasingly competitive. At Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd., we offer attractive compensation packages that include bonuses, health benefits, retirement plans, and paid time off. Many drivers find that trucking provides a stable income that can surpass other professions, especially as they gain experience and additional certifications. 3. Opportunities for Advancement

The trucking industry is not just about driving; it also offers numerous opportunities for career advancement. At Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd., we encourage our employees to grow within the company. Whether you aspire to become a fleet manager, logistics coordinator, or safety compliance officer, there are various pathways to elevate your career. Continuous training and development programs are available to help you acquire new skills and certifications, setting you up for long-term success. 4. Travel and Adventure

A trucking career can provide a unique opportunity to explore new places. This job allows you to see the beauty of various regions while earning a living. 5. Building Lifelong Connections

Working in the trucking industry allows you to connect with a diverse range of people, from fellow drivers to clients and suppliers. At Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd., our team is like a family, and many employees form lasting friendships on the road. The camaraderie among drivers fosters a supportive community that can make the job more enjoyable. Networking within the industry can also lead to new opportunities and collaborations. 6. Job Security and Demand

At Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd., we are always seeking dedicated individuals to join our team. As e-commerce grows, the need for efficient logistics and transportation will only increase. By pursuing a career in trucking, you can secure a reliable job with long-term prospects. 7. Personal Growth and Independence

A career in trucking can foster personal growth and independence. As a truck driver, you will develop essential skills such as time management, problem-solving, and self-discipline. The autonomy of driving your truck allows you to take ownership of your work and develop a strong sense of responsibility. Many drivers report experiencing increased confidence and self-reliance as they navigate their routes and manage their schedules.

Conclusion

If you’re considering a career change or a fulfilling job opportunity, the trucking industry—especially at Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd.—is worth exploring. With its surprising advantages, including flexible schedules, competitive salaries, and personal growth opportunities, trucking can provide a rewarding and exciting career path. Join us at Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd., where your journey on the road can lead to unexpected benefits and a brighter future.

[trukademy7]

Is Trucking the Right Career for You? A Road Map to Trucking Reality in Canada

A Road Map to Trucking Reality in Canada

The open road, the freedom, the sense of independence - trucking captures the imagination of many Canadians. But is it the right career for you? 

Before you jump behind the wheel of a behemoth rig, it's essential to understand the realities of life on the asphalt. 

At Trukademy, we believe in transparency. This blog post is your pre-trip inspection of the trucking world, illuminating its pros, cons, and everything in between.

The Beauty of Trucking:

Trucking isn't just a job; it's a lifestyle. You'll witness sunrises that paint the sky in breathtaking hues, traverse diverse landscapes and experience the pulse of the nation through vibrant cities and quiet towns. 

It's a career for those who crave autonomy and thrive on a sense of accomplishment. The satisfaction of delivering essential goods across vast distances, knowing you're playing a vital role in the economy, is unparalleled.

Challenges:

However, the open road comes with its challenges. Long hours, extended periods away from loved ones, and the responsibility of navigating a massive vehicle through unpredictable weather and traffic conditions demand resilience and focus. 

The isolation can be challenging, and loneliness can creep in on quiet stretches of highway. Living in a truck cab and managing basic needs away from home requires adaptability and resourcefulness.

Skills Required:

The image of a trucker gripping the wheel is iconic, but driving safely and efficiently is just one piece of the puzzle. Mastering pre-trip inspections, understanding load securement, navigating complex regulations, and complying with driver logs are crucial aspects of the job. 

Our comprehensive Pre-Trip Inspection Course equips you with the knowledge and practical skills to ensure the safety of your rig and cargo.

Licensing and Training: 

To hit the road legally, you need the right qualifications. Obtaining your Commercial Vehicle Operator's Registration (CVOR) is essential, and our CVOR training provides the expert guidance and preparation you need to ace the test. 

Additionally, a reputable Truck Driving School in Canada like ours offers Truck Driving Programs tailored to your needs, whether you yearn for long-haul adventures or prefer the hustle of local deliveries.

The Financial Landscape:

Let's talk about the bottom line. Trucking can be a lucrative career, with salaries generally well above the national average. However, the income varies depending on factors like route, experience, and company policy. 

Remember, long hours can translate to higher pay but also come with increased expenses like meals and truck stop accommodations. It's crucial to manage your finances wisely and understand the tax implications of this unique lifestyle.

Finding Your Trucking Niche:

The trucking industry is diverse, offering a plethora of options beyond the classic long-haul truck driver. 

Do you enjoy precise maneuvering? Consider specialized hauling of oversized cargo. 

Are you detail-oriented? Tanker hauling might be your calling. 

Refrigerated goods pique your interest, or the fast-paced world of local deliveries ignites your passion. Our experienced instructors can help you discover your niche and tailor your training accordingly.

Making the Call:

Trucking is not for everyone. It demands an independent spirit, a strong work ethic, and a knack for problem-solving. If you crave adventure, are comfortable with solitude, and possess a genuine love for the open road, then trucking could be your perfect fit. 

However, if routine and constant human interaction are essential for your well-being, or if the thought of extended isolation fills you with dread, it's best to explore other options.

Taking the First Step:

If the allure of the road lingers, take the first step! Attend our free information sessions at Trukademy. Hear from experienced drivers, explore our Driver Logs Course, and get a hands-on feel for a truck cabin. 

We're committed to providing you with all the information and resources you need to make an informed decision about your future.

Trucking is more than just a career; it's a choice. Choose wisely, choose honestly, and choose with your heart. Remember, the road will be long, but the journey can be an incredible adventure.

Contact Trukademy today for a free consultation and start your journey towards a rewarding career on the open road. We're here to guide you every step of the way, from getting your license to finding your perfect trucking niche.

[nonegenderleftpain]

It does get better.

My chronic pain didn't start until I was fresh out of high school, getting ready for a successful college career with a full ride to be an actor. Then it hit, couple with chronic fatigue, joint hypermobility, weight gain, and severe psychiatric shit that went treated all through school because I was smart, and therefore couldn't possibly have anything wrong with me. My life fell apart, and it's taken me eight years to fix it.

Prior to the disability, I was a nationally competing martial artist. I was a dancer and an actor and a performer all around, and I never stopped moving. I was going to be on Broadway. I was going to open my own martial arts academy and get my next black belt and be the shining star I was always told I would be. I'll never do those things. That has been harder than the pain, to deal with. I'll never go to the Olympics or act on Broadway or own my own business. But I'm about to go to school in the fall for theatre technology so I can build sets. I've started building a curriculum for disabled martial artists for the organization I competed in growing up. I'm a disability consultant for nonprofits, and I get to spend time sharing my knowledge with others to make their lives easier, so they don't have to go through what I did. I have a support network, and Medicaid, and SSI so I can have some autonomy. Yesterday, my fiance's mom dropped off a vehicle for me so I can get around - a truck, with space for my wheelchair.

It's not perfect. Far from it. Some days, the grief hits me like a truck. But I've built a life around my passions, even if I'm not doing exactly what I wanted, because those things are part of me, and disability cannot take away my passion and my heart. I won't lay down and die, and you shouldn't either. You'll find your niche and ways to do the things you love in whatever capacity you're able, because those things are part of you. Don't give up, kiddo. We're rooting for you. 💙

Chronic pain sucks.

I'm fourteen. I'm young to be here, to be in these communities, to even have fully-formed opinions on things. But I've been here. I've had years to idle and stare at the wall, thinking about all the things I wish I could say in a way abled people would understand. Had years to read blog posts, to quietly seek out disabled role models, to call myself disabled inside my head. Because that's okay. It's who I am.

I hate playing the "Sick Olympics". I've never not been in pain, but it really started when I was eleven. I've been through shit. I have friends who have been through more shit. You can drown in a few inches of water as much as you can in a few feet. I have to remember that.

I'm fourteen. I write. I've been writing since I was eleven. First, it was for fun, to make up little stories to dance in my head. Then, it was to pass the time, sitting in waiting rooms and pre-op and spinning on the never-ending hamster wheel of too much, not enough. Now, it's to express myself. To craft the representation I never saw when I so desperately needed it. To, someday, help others feel seen. I've been told I defy the odds. I'm taking a college class and a high school course load when I should be in 8th grade. I write. I think. I stare at the ceiling. The world passes me by.

There are days when all I can do is curl in a ball. I'll never be normal. I never have been. I'll never have the middle school experience, probably won't have the high school one. I missed two years of school, but somehow stayed grades ahead. My mind is the only part of me that's all mine, and sometimes, I can't talk straight. The fog sets in, and it's like every word has to wade through honey to leave my mouth, to be typed onto my screen. I'm breaking at the seams.

It'll only get worse. This rare disease, what it all stems from, it's degenerative. The glue that holds my body together is faulty. I stretch and I bruise and I hurt, and someday, it feels like I'll disintegrate. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I'm trapped.

I know what I want to do. I know what holds my heart, my interest, my passion. I know I'll never do it. Some things, you aren't selling yourself short. Some things, it'll just hurt to pretend you could until you have to admit it.

I hope it gets better. I really do.

[txemrn]

Stay

Chapter 2: "Ten Feet Under and Upside-Down"

Catch up here!

Word Count: ~6835 (I apologize; it's a long one)

Series Summary: With her family facing deportation back to Auvernal, fun-spirited Reid Ambrose quits college to support her family. But as fate would have it, she accepts a temporary job as a caregiver for the royal family, an experience that will challenge her, break her, and devastate her world in the most exciting of ways.

Chapter Summary: An old face returns to Cordonia to work for the royal family. But even after almost a decade away, not much has changed, and he's more miserable than ever.

Series Warning: ⛔ Please Be Advised: 18+ Only ⛔This series will contain mature material, including foul language, NSFW 🍋, discussion/depictions of war, violence, gun violence, assassination attempts; medical situations, including major character injuries; ethical dilemmas including euthanasia & bodily autonomy; mental health, including depression, PTSD, suicide

Series Music Inspo: “Awake” by Secondhand Serenade

Chapter Music Inspo: "Storm" by Lifehouse

AN: Majority of these characters and some plots belong to our friends at Pixelberry. Special thanks to my amazing friend @kat-tia801 for prereading, and my sweet friend @ao719 for helping me dial-up a scene as well as pre-reading it. Also, you will recognize some items from canon; other items may be completely contradictory to canon. Just got with it, and enjoy the story. 😊

~🖤~

Present (as a reminder: 3 years after Leo's tragic birthday party)

Coasting into the assigned parking spot at his apartment complex, Drake Walker haphazardly downshifts his truck before ripping the keys out of the ignition. All the lights seem to be out in his place, which will work in his favor for a possibly quiet night at home. No talking, especially no arguing. Hopefully with his quick maneuvering, the rumble of his old pick-up won’t disturb his wife and son from their sleep.

Fuck. It did. A lamp in the master bedroom flickers on, a glow illuminating through the window. 

Drake lays his exhausted head on the steering wheel, unsure if he should turn back around and go back to his job and stay the night there. At least then he wouldn't have to hide himself, hide his emotions from his bride, pretend to be the man he promised her he would be.

Jodi doesn't deserve this. Any of this. The silent treatment. The avoidance. The denial of connection. She's too faithful, too fucking loving for her own good. Truth be told, her gentle answers, loving support, and abundant encouragement are the reasons Drake has been so successful both in college and starting his career as a physical therapist.

Why was he shutting down on her now?  

It all started about six months ago, when Drake found the crown prince of Cordonia wandering on their front porch of their newly-built Texas home. 

“Leo?” Drake cocked his head, furrowing his eyebrows in disbelief.  He hadn’t seen the tall blond since the aftermath of his birthday party almost three years ago. 

“Walker!” he extended his hand, striding widely to greet the commoner. “Long time no see, brother!”

Brother? Drake eyes the prince’s outstretched arm before hesitantly gripping it. Taking in Leo’s appearance, he notices a thick file folder under his arm, filled with what looked like a stack of disjointed documents with tabs and post-it notes.

“Jesus Christ, Texas is fucking hot,” Leo chuckled, dabbing his forehead, but his perfect pearly white smile remained on Drake. “Beautiful place you got here.”

Always the charmer. “Yeah,” Drake shifted his gaze to the screen door, seeing a curious Jodi with their son Finn on her hip. He gave her a nod with the notion that everything was okay before turning back to his visitor. “Listen, Leo…” he clapped his hands, “um, what are you doing here?”

Leo snickered. “Straight to the point as always, Walker. Is there some place we can talk?”

“Right here is just fine,” Drake fired back quickly, not trusting the future king’s intentions. He folded his arms, leaning a shoulder against a wooden post.

“On behalf of the Cordonian royal family, we’d like to hire you.”  

Leo had offered Drake a full-time job to be the prince’s personal physical therapist. This, of course, made the commoner scoff, making it clear that he would never cross onto Cordonian soil again. Not for anyone, not even him.  But when he stormed inside, he was stopped by Jodi who had been listening.

“He traveled halfway around the world, Drake Walker,” she quietly scolded, “at least talk to him. We’re talking about your old stomping grounds, your family… I know they treated you like shit, but… at least hear him out. Maybe it’s time to bury the hatchet, you know? Let go of your bitterness.”

“Jo… I don’t know.”

“Think of the good example you’ll be setting for Finn,” she smiled, batting her puppy-dog eyes.

Fuck, she was good.

Luckily Leo hadn’t retreated too far away from their land.  Drake waved down his driver, and then invited Leo back to the house for a drink and for the opportunity to discuss his proposal. Once the crown prince was introduced to Jodi, the three of them sat down at the kitchen table while Finn took a nap on the couch.

Looking like an episode of Criminal Minds, the documents in the folder were carefully explained and spread out before the young couple’s eyes. It was a medical file, complete with lab test results, written diagnoses and prognoses by doctors, some of which were second and third opinions. Lists of medications, photographs of scarred skin, MRIs of nerve damage, degeneration and muscle atrophy: it was clear that there was a serious need.

But why him? Why Drake?

“We’ve already been through three therapists, and all of them have left us,” Leo answered somberly. “I’m not going to lie; it’s… difficult, and not just because your job is already difficult. But… he’s difficult.” Leo folded his hands on the table, mindlessly fidgeting with his thumbs. Suddenly something came over him, something more honest, something more human. “Please, Walker,” his voice shook before clearing his throat. “We… We need you.”

Drake quietly sits in the driver's seat in the stillness of the night, fidgeting with his wedding band as Leo’s words echo in his head. 

We need you…

He reminisces about his childhood in Cordonia, about games of tag in the hedge maze, fishing trips out on Lake Malus, and sleepovers on the back lawn of the palace with only his sleeping bag, a flashlight and comic books. 

But, along with the fond memories of his childhood came the bittersweet remembrance of his friendship with Liam. He was always there. Always–well, for the most part, at least up until the end. The prince was Drake’s confidant, his greatest support. He gave sound advice, but also knew when to sit, whether it was to listen or because Drake needed silence.

He didn’t turn his back on Drake even after he felt abandoned by his own family.

Maybe that’s why Drake finally agreed to this arrangement; maybe he felt indebted somehow to the royal family, to the memory of Liam being patiently supportive when tragedy struck. The sacrifice probably didn’t seem great to the leaders of a country, but to Drake, it was everything.

Never in a million years would Drake have guessed this would be his life, a selfless life of servitude to the royals, a miserable life putting them first before his own family. Just like his father. When he left Cordonia almost a decade ago, his decision seemed so certain, so clear, and he swore that he would never see any of these horrid people again.

He glances towards the orange glow, pouring from his bedroom window, and he worries about his marriage. The pent-up regret and festering anger has been building since the moment he stepped back onto Cordonia soil. The job was difficult, and it was near impossible to work with his ornery client. Drake returns home late every night with battle wounds on his heart.

But, tonight he suddenly feels an overwhelming sense of guilt as he watches the shadows shift against the ambient lighting.  Has he been silently taking out his frustrations on his wife? He’s trying to spare her his heartache by keeping it to himself; but in doing so, is he neglecting her needs?

Damnit, my family needs me, too.

He reaches into a secret pocket of his duffle bag, and pulls out two cigarettes. Tucking one behind his ear to chainsmoke later, he lights the other one, pulling in the deep burn. He combs his fringe out of his eyes before leaning back on his head rest, exhaling his smoky breath. But still, the haunting anxiety remains.

How the fuck did we even get here?

------

9 Years ago

A sudden loud clatter jolts nineteen-year-old Drake awake from his impromptu nap. Unsure of the time or how long he has been asleep, he intently rubs his eyes with his fists before succumbing to a large, vocal yawn, stretching his sculpted arms over his head. Quickly noticing the darkness outside, he reaches for his phone and notices the time.

1:24 AM

The fuck, Liam?

Last year, the young prince started his rigorous royal training in preparation for his older brother Leo’s ascension to the Cordonian throne. Being separated from his best friend, Drake quickly made himself busy around the palace, mainly serving as a stablehand, until Liam would retire from the evening.  But, with constant travels, the wearisome studies and the long diplomatic meetings, the two men discovered less and less free time to spend together. Liam was forming new bonds and new relationships with fellow dignitaries and politicians while his friendship with Drake was starving for a connection.  After a few short months, they were barely texting one another.

Today is Liam’s birthday, and the two men had agreed to finally catch up with drinks at the beer garden to celebrate. Drake came home early to make himself presentable before heading over to Liam’s quarters early.   He was nervous, not because he was finally going to come face-to-face with Liam, but he was anxious about talking with him.  Drake had come to an important conclusion, and having Liam’s support meant the world.

When he arrived to the room, no one answered the door.  The commoner let himself in with his spare key only to discover a dark room with the young prince nowhere to be found. 

After leaving multiple voice messages and sending off several unopened texts, Drake contacted Lars, Liam’s personal guard.

“Walker, you know it’s against protocol for me to tell you where he is at–”

“Lars, just… c’mon,” Drake sighed, “we had plans. Tonight. I mean, maybe he forgot? Or–or maybe he thought I stood him up?” The silence on the phone spoke loud and clear, giving Drake the answer he didn’t want. “When you find a heart, tell him I was looking for him.” Ending the call, Drake slumped into a leather loveseat in Liam’s bedroom.

Sitting alone in the dimly lit room, Drake was left to his own thoughts.  He remembers his mom lecturing Savannah all the time about the importance of the quality of friendships rather than the quantity of friends she claimed she had.  She would say kitschy phrases, like, “Some people come into your life for a lifetime while others come into your life for a season.” 

But the latter was for other people and their failed relationships; this didn’t apply to Drake and his childhood friend Liam. Right? They grew up together; they became men together. They’ve seen each other at their best and at their absolute worst.  They’ve rejoiced together; they've grieved together. Liam was his ride or die. 

Then why was it all of a sudden so goddamn hard to even be around each other, let alone talk to each other?

Drake rakes his fingers through his hair, finally resting his forehead in his hands as the racket continues.  First, he hears keys pawing at the door, like a cat to a scratch post, followed by poorly stifled giggles and even more obnoxious hushes. Finally busts open with an unkempt, very drunk Liam with lips glued to a shapely brunette, her dress already unzipped.

Drake clears his throat, causing the couple to jump apart.

“Drake!” Liam slurs, “Just the man I was looking for!” He glides towards his best friend, patting him on the shoulder before turning his attention to the woman in the room. “I want you to meet Lady… Lady… Latvia–”

“Actually, it’s Leilani,” she kindly interrupts, “Lady Leilani of Latvia.” She offers a crooked smile to Drake while Liam plays cool, snapping his fingers and pointing to her in acknowledgement that she was correct. She stumbles forward towards the commoner with an extended hand to shake while her other arm keeps her bodice covering her chest.

Raising an eyebrow at the trainwreck in front of him before glaring at the inebriated prince, Drake raises his voice. “We need to talk, Li.”

With Leilani giving Liam a concerned look, he walks up behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist as he nuzzles his nose into her neck. “Can this wait until tomorrow?” Liam calls out, his words nasally and muffled against her skin.

Drake stands quickly with a heavy foot. “No.” 

With his friend’s words shooting through him like an arrow, Liam quickly gives a sober nod.  He whispers something into the young coed’s ear, causing her to giggle as he helps her back into her dress. She makes her exit, swaying her hips through the door, but not before she blows a kiss to Liam.

Liam catches the airborne kiss, touching his palm to his face as she finally exits the room.  “Isn’t she something?”As he turns to face Drake, the prince is met with a cold stare, a lump suddenly forming in his throat.  “Well,” Liam clears his throat as he makes himself comfortable on the side of his bed. “So, what’s up–hey! We missed you tonight, bruh” he jokes, finger-gunning towards Drake.

“‘Bruh’?” Drake scoffs. “I was here, Li… waiting for you… like we had planned.”

Liam gives him a funny look. “We did?” He shrugs off his sports coat, letting it crumple on the ground as he untucks his pale pink oxford. “Well,” the blond lays back on his bed, letting out a hefty exhale. “You should’ve joined us–”

 “Are you fucking for real right now?”

“Drake, relax,” he waves his hand flippantly in the air, closing his eyes. But, when he hears a loud sigh, he sits up on his elbows with one eye open.  "Wait… are you seriously mad at me? For not drinking with you? Last I checked–” Liam extends his arms above his head, allowing his head to hit the plush comforter. “It’s my birthday!”

“Fuck it,” Drake mutters, standing up to head for the door. “I’m leaving–”

“Whoa, whoa,” Liam jumps up to stop his best friend from leaving, tripping over his jacket on the way. “Seriously, dude,” Liam puts his hand to his chest as he begins to sing, “talk to me. Tell me your name–”

Drake pushes Liam out of the way, causing him to stumble to the ground.

“Whoa there, old friend,” Liam pulls himself back up. “That was kinda hard.”

“It wasn’t that hard.” Drake opens the door.

“I thought you wanted to talk,” Liam shouts, a twinge of humor in his voice.

“You’re drunk–”

“And for once,” Liam draws closer to the shaggy brunette, jabbing his finger into his chest, “you’re not!”

Drake sees red as he glares at the shell of the man that he used to consider his brother. When did he become so rude? So flippant? So careless? So… Leo? “You know what, Li?” He raises his hands in surrender, slowly stepping backwards through the door. “We’re done.” He turns on his heel and storms towards his private quarters.

“Drake? Drake, c’mon,” Liam calls out, jogging towards the commoner. He grabs him by the shoulder, turning him around. “Listen, I’m sorry. I–I'm dunk–drunk. Let’s just talk about this tomorrow–”

“No, Li. There is no more time to talk.” Drake shrugs off Liam’s hand as he returns to his pursuit. “Besides, I have a plane to catch in the morning.”

“A plane?” Liam catches up to Drake again, this time cutting in front of him. “Where–where are you going?”

"Away," he grumbles, finally reaching his room.

"Okay," Liam curiously stops, raising an eyebrow, his voice becoming softer. "When are you coming back?"

On cue, Drake unlocks his door to reveal a few packed boxes and luggage. Liam flips on an overhead light, his eyes registering the scene. He furrows his brows, as he tracks his pacing friend. Drake finally turns around, shoving his hands in his pocket before daring to look up at the prince.

"You're moving," Liam states matter-of-factly.

"To Texas," Drake finishes, eyes trained to the floor.

"But… but what about your life here–"

"What life, Liam?" Drake angrily interrupts. "I see the same three guys every day down in the stables. I eat breakfast and dinner by myself," he suddenly chokes on his words, his breath hitching as he turns away to collect himself. He looks back to Liam, his eyes reddening with the threat of tears. "I spend my free-time wondering if my fucking best friend will actually talk to me today."

"So this is my fault?" Liam shifts his weight, putting his hands on his hips. "Drake," he scoffs, "we knew this day was coming, my noble training, my duties. And this is harder, harder than I ever imagined. I’m sorry that we don’t hang out as much. But, cut me some slack."

"I have… For a long time now." 

Liam looks away, his lips twisting.  Every emotion flashes across his youthful, chiseled face. Confusion. Anger. Worry. Betrayal. Running a hand over his stubbled chin, he looks back at his friend.

"How do I fix this?"

Hearing the genuine desperation in Liam's voice, Drake drops his head. He rubs the back of his neck, his eyes still trained on the floor. "Li, I–"

"Just tell me. And I'll make it happen. Anything."

Drake sardonically snickers, shaking his head. "Don't you want better for me?  For me to make something of myself?"

"Is it a job? Because I can get you a better job. Or we can get you into Cordonia U in the Fall–"

"Wow," Drake blows a raspberry with his lips. "Do you seriously think I need your help? That I'm incapable of creating my own life? My own future?" Fuming, Drake catches his breath. “Jesus fucking Christ, you nobles are all the same. You think you can just throw your wealth, your fucking title and get your way–”

“It never stopped you from accepting my help before.”

A dark stillness engulfs the room as the two friends stare daggers into each other. Liam crosses his arms, his physique growing rigid as he towers his extra three inches of height over denim-clad commoner. Breathing madly, Drake’s broad chest rises and falls as his hands grip into fists. They stood there for a few minutes, hurling silent insults at each other, tearing each other apart with their quiet thoughts. 

Finally, Drake shakes his head in disgust, throwing up his hands before heading for the door.  “I’ll send for my stuff,” he mutters under his breath as he intentionally bumps his shoulder into the prince’s arm, pushing him off balance.

Liam scoffs. He brushes off his arm as if Drake had left something dirty on him from impact. He follows him out the door to watch him walk down the main corridor. 

“Like mother, like son.”

Drake spins around, his jaw tightening. He closes the space between him and Liam before launching a wrathful swing of his arm, his fist abruptly meeting a hearty crack against the prince’s chiseled face. 

Liam stumbles backwards, falling to a knee as he holds his cheek. But before he can retaliate, Liam’s guard Lars quickly apprehends Drake, knocking him to the ground as he calls for reinforcements over his earpiece.  With six more guards swarming the floor, Drake is picked up by his pinned arms.

“Stop!” Liam bellows, struggling to stand up. With the help of another guard, Liam steadies his gate before drawing closer to Drake, He wipes at his lip, noting the dark red crimson trickling from his mouth. He locks his eyes on his childhood friend before slowly shaking his head. 

“You ungrateful bastard,” Liam growls before turning to Lars. “Show Mr. Walker out.” Liam turns on his heel, walking back to his quarters before slamming the door.

------

Present

An abrupt knocking on the glass breaks Drake’s reverie. He anxiously sits up, but his troubled heart instantly takes comfort at the sight of her, his bride, his person. It was his Jodi. Even in a ratty old SFA t-shirt and an old pair of his boxers, she was still stunning. Her hair reflects the moonlight, turning her usual golden strands into ethereal white. Her warm caramel-chocolate eyes hold the universe, Drake’s whole universe, as they sparkle and dance just for him.  She delicately presses her fingertips against the pane, her heart-shaped lips offering a pleading smile.  Baby, please. I’m here.

Drake furrows his brow at the sight of her. His lips can’t help but frown as the pricking of tears sting his eyes.  He finally drops his head into hands, shielding his face from her view.  He knew the dam that was holding back his emotions would eventually break, and his heart would bleed out as the unbearable weight on his shoulders came crashing down around him. But, he didn’t want to do this in front of Jodi, not in front of the woman that trusts him to be her rock and strength.

“Drake?” She softly calls to him. “Drake baby?” She gently taps her fingertips against the window again to get his attention, but he doesn’t answer her.

Jodi quickly rounds the truck, climbing in on the other side while shoving his duffle bag into the back of the cab.  “Baby? Baby?” She slides her arms around Drake’s broad shoulders, pulling him snuggly into her embrace, resting her chin in his tousled hair.  Her face etches with worry, but she’s not a fool; she knows her husband, and she knows that this–whatever this is– has been building like a cancer inside of him for a while now. 

At least since they moved to Cordonia.

“I’m sorry,” Drake whispers, but Jodi quickly hushes him endearingly, combing her fingers through his hair and behind his ear. “I promised you a better life than this. I promised you a better husband than–”

“Don’t you dare talk about my husband that way, Drake Walker.” She playfully scorns, planting kisses on the crown of his head. 

Drake sits up, giving his wife a half-crooked smile as he quickly dries his eyes with the heel of his hand. He then wraps a strong arm around her, pulling her to his side, their lips tenderly meeting.

Jodi reaches over, lacing her petite hand with his large fingers. Her eyes find his glassy stare, but he quickly looks away from her, clearing his throat.

She squeezes his grip before casually looking out the window. “Your mom used to say, 'He's just like Jack.'  

Drake's eyes widen, turning back to his wife. "What?"

The corners of Jodi's mouth turn up as she continues. "Apparently your dad was incredibly strong. Tough. Hard-headed–"

Drake guiltily chuckles under his breath. "Sounds slightly familiar." 

"And yet… very emotional. Haunted even." She looks up at her husband, their eyes locking on one another. As silence fills the truck, Jodi's attention falls to their laced fingers. Gently letting go of his hand, she begins twirling his platinum wedding ring.

"Listen, Jo–"

She holds a finger to his mouth and sweetly grins. "I love you, Drake Walker," her eyes twinkle, "just the way you are, even when you feel like being quiet and I know,” she chuckles, “I know. You have to mull things over before you can talk about them." She cups his face, gently stroking the coarse hairs of his bearded jaw. “But you married me. You don't have to shoulder the pain alone anymore. You don't have to worry about tomorrow or about decisions or about life alone anymore." Watching a tear swell and threaten to drop from his long lashes, Jodi gently rubs her thumb across his lower eyelid. "You can be quiet, that's fine. But you eventually need to talk to me, Drake. Please–" she sniffles, "don't shut me out. Don't–don't shut us out–"

"Oh, baby," Drake exhales, his arms enveloping his wife. He leans in, resting his forehead against hers as he closes his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry… I–" he sighs, "I never meant to do this to you. All I want to do… is protect you, be a man that you are proud of–”

“Drake–”

“Jodi Walker… you are the most precious thing this life has ever given me… damnit–” his breath hitches as he presses his face intimately into her hair, "I need you. God, everyday. I need you every fucking day. More and more." 

"I need you, too, baby," Jodi sweetly whispers in his ear, her voice hoarse from tears. She presses a firm kiss into his hairline, her fingers tangled tightly in his hair. “And I am proud of you.”

For the first time in almost six months, Drake suddenly understands what it means to be supported, to be heard and to be loved. It's not that his wife failed to do these things for him. But he realizes it's easy to feel comforted when he feels positive about himself and rewarded by life. He promised Jodi happiness, and he is bound and determined to ensure she always has that.

Even if that means hiding himself and his own demons.

But he had forgotten one very important detail: Jodi made the exact same promise of a happy life, to love him, and to comfort him through every curve ball thrown at them. He’s not that little boy anymore, suffering through his father’s death and mother’s abandonment alone. He has someone now, his person, his better half, his forever.

After spending some much needed time in each other's arms, whispering sentiments of love and sharing sweet kisses, the couple is interrupted by a tiny voice on the baby monitor.  They both stare at the device intently, finally raising an eyebrow to one another, holding their breath as they try to decipher the message. 

"Damnit! Okay! Fine. I have no idea,” Jodi confesses, throwing up her hands as a guilty expression paints across her face. “I have no fucking idea what the hell he is saying half the time."

"Shit, I thought it was just me," Drake snickers, rubbing his forehead.

Jodi slowly furrows her eyebrows. “You think he’s normal?”

“Meh,” Drake shrugs his shoulders, “I don’t think we’ve fucked him up too badly just yet–”

“Drake!” Jodi swats at her husband’s arm as he pretends to shield himself.  They tumble into a fit of snickers as Drake puts his arm around her shoulders, hugging her tightly.

"Well, I better go check on him," she gives a sorrowful smile before pressing her lips to Drake one last time. "Take your time… but don't dare keep me waiting alone for too long, Mr. Walker," she winks as she begins to slide out of the truck.

Drake grabs her elbow, pulling her back to his side as their mouths meet again. A soft moan tumbles from her chest as he strokes her hair back. 

"We're in this together… right, Mrs. Walker?" he kisses her nose, making her scrunch it up.

"Always."

------

By the time Drake makes it upstairs, a lone kitchen light illuminates his path in the open-concept layout of his apartment. He quietly sets his bag down next to the front door before kicking off his tennis shoes. He strips down into his white undershirt and boxer briefs, gathering his dirty scrubs to throw into the wash. 

Softly padding to the kitchen to warm up some dinner, he notices a certain little 3-year-old’s upside-down handprint on a piece of construction paper.  As he draws close to the craft, Drake’s smile begins to grow as the gray blob of paint begins to take the shape of an elephant, complete with a googly-eye glued near the base of the tiny thumb and his ear, toes and tail drawn on with a permanent marker, no doubt drawn on by Jodi.

To: Daddy

Drake traces the hand print, a sense of pride billowing in his chest. My boy. Feeling the tight ache in his cheeks from smiling, he glances towards Finn’s room and notices the door is ajar, his night light pouring through the crack out into the hallway. He quietly moseys to his son’s room, peering in to see his son, sleeping soundly with his chestnut strands sprawled out carelessly on his pillow. With a secure grip on a toy firetruck, the young child’s arm is relaxed over his head while the thumb of his other hand is tucked barely into the waistband of his dinosaur underwear.

Drake chuckles to himself, admiring the adorable vision when he suddenly looks down, noticing that he had his own thumb tucked into the waistband of his boxers.

And it hits him: what else am I unknowingly teaching him? 

Drake has fond memories of his father: camping, fishing, learning how to tie a tie, grilling the perfect steak, tuning up a car. But one thing he doesn’t like to think about are the times his father wasn’t there–especially since those times outnumber the moments he was present. 

And it was all for the sake of the job. Drake remembers phone calls in the middle of the night, impromptu international trips, interrupted holidays. And then when his dad was home, he wasn’t always present with them. Often times, his mother would shoo Drake and his younger sister away to allow for Jackson to rest by the fire with a bottle of scotch in his hands.

But Drake has nothing, but admiration and gratefulness for his dad, for all of the good times, the life lessons and pep talks. Because of the early, pleasant experiences, Drake always imagined raising his children the exact same way.

Only now that he’s in Cordonia, he’s not.

But that stops tonight.

Drake tenderly picks up his son, Finn’s head instantly nuzzling back to sleep on his dad’s shoulder, gripping tightly to his shirt. He knew that Jodi was probably going to kill him for getting the little one out of his bed, but at this moment, holding their boy, reminding him that Daddy is always there seems more important.  

Drake strolls into his bedroom with a snoozing Finn in his arms, wrapped up with his patch-work blankie.  With her eyes growing heavy, Jodi is mindlessly scrolling through TikTok in the dark when she hears her husband’s heavy steps. She sits up on her elbow, and then notices her son.

“Drake?” She turns on a lamp, slowly sitting up in bed.  “What are you doing? Is he okay—?”

“Yeah,” Drake looks down at his son, nestled in his arms, “everything is perfect now.”

------

The next morning, Drake feels renewed, like shackles have been broken off of his hands and feet, setting him free. There’s no sense of dread or anxiety. He doesn't feel agonizing guilt or slithering voices of self-loathing. Rather, he's at peace; he's comforted. He has a swelling of confidence in his chest and a new lease of determination in his soul. And when he wakes up next to his wife and son, his heart almost aches from the overflow of love for them. 

He contacts his work, notifying them that he would be present for his client at the regular scheduled start time in accordance with his contract. He took a very excited Finn to the kitchen for breakfast, knowing that his early-bird of a wife would be in shortly.

Only she wasn’t.

After bribing his son to take five ‘big boy bites’, Drake cleans Finn up before securing him inside a baby gate with his blankie and a new episode of Dino Ranch.  Returning to the kitchen, he pours a mug of piping hot coffee for Jodi while preparing a short stack of pancakes with spiced apple butter, his wife’s new favorite topping since moving to Cordonia.  Arranging the meal on a rustic, wooden tray, he carries it, tiptoeing carefully into the bedroom.  He finds her already up, rinsing out her mouth before returning to bed.

“Morning, Mrs. Walker,” he smiles, presenting her breakfast like a trophy.. 

“Mmmm, morning, Mr. Walker,” her voice is raspy. “I see you’ve been cooking–”

“Jo–” he interrupts, putting the tray down and cradling her face. “You okay?”  He gently strokes his thumbs across the dark, purple circles under her swollen eyes.

“Yeah,” she reassures, putting her hands on his wrists. “I–I’m just tired. Someone invited a certain little boy into our bed that I swear is going to be the kicker for the Cowboys someday."

“A kicker instead of a… walker?” he mischievously raises his eyebrows, ensuring his wife got the punchline. 

Oh, she did. Jodi playfully glares at her husband. "You know? Just because you're a dad now doesn't mean you have to tell dad jokes."

"You love my jokes," he badgers, his voice growing heated as his mouth grazes gently across her lips. 

"Mmmm… I love you," she croons. 

Their mouths meet again, but the intimate touch is gone too quickly. Jodi playfully pouts, the adorable sight coaxing Drake to kiss her again. And then again. And then once more. “Greedy girl this morning,” he growls, handing her the coffee before pinching her ass.

“Baby," she yelps. "Hey, wait… shouldn’t you be at work?” Jodi furrows her eyebrows before sniffing her mug and stealthily setting it down.

“Technically my contract says I have to be in by 8:30 AM. The only one that wants me there at 6 is my fucking client–”

“Drake,” she warns.

“What?” He shrugs his shoulders, feigning ignorance.

“Are you going to always refer to him as your ‘fucking client’?”

“That’s all he is, Jo,” he spits back. He watches his wife calmly push her loose tendrils behind her ear before she dips her finger into the apple butter. Drake sighs, “I’m sorry, okay? It’s just… it’s different. He’s different.”

“I guess I don’t understand. What about all the phone calls and facetimes?” She licks her finger. “I mean I know that all stopped when… uh, well… after everything happened, and–and–and you and I had Finn, then the wedding. But I thought surely you two would go back to–”

“It’s not like that anymore, Jo,” he sighs.  “I know you were hoping that somehow moving back here would be like some magical family reunion. It’s not. We’re not family anymore.”

“Have… you… talked to–?”

“No. And we don’t talk about her either.” He bites back, a silence falling between them as he stares at his twiddling thumbs. He finally sighs. “Look, Jo, I’m sorry. I know I’m being short with you, but this?  This is my nightmare. Every-fucking-day. I spend my entire day trying to save him, and he’s a stranger, as if we have absolutely no history. He’s… just a fucking asshole.”

Jodi places an endearing hand on his upper back. “I know, baby. But, you’re doing the right thing–”

“Right thing?” Drake blows a raspberry with his mouth.  “The only reason why I’m even here in Cordonia is I was a last ditch effort. He wants to move on, and they thought I’d be the cure,” he sarcastically snickers, “he doesn’t want a fucking cure.” He looks away from his wife, taking a moment to think.  “You know? They are actually considering hiring another ‘caretaker’,” he air-quotes, “but she has to be a young female–”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Who knows? Maybe that will interest him in wanting to stay.”

“Will she have big tits and dollar bills hanging out of her g-string?” Jodi jokes. 

“They can’t hire you,” Drake winks, earning him a swat from his wife. He gets up and retrieves her plate and mug. “Which… how is the training going at your new job?”

“It’s good,” she brightens, as she follows Drake into the kitchen where they can see Finn playing with his toy cars in the living area. “I start at the embassy on Monday, and then I’ll go to the satellite campuses for interviews after that—”

“Jodi?” He interjects, his voice becoming worrisome as he observes her untouched plate. “Aren’t you hungry? That’s fresh apple butter.” 

“I can tell it is,” she grins. “I’m just not hungry yet.”

Drake nods in understanding, but suddenly notices her untouched coffee, an early morning staple for a fully functioning Jodi Walker.

“So,” she continues, “I found out some good news.”

Drake sits down to put on his shoes, turning his ear to her. “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“A spot opened up at the employee daycare, so I don’t think we need Sav afterall.” 

“Jo,” Drake runs his hands down his face, “we talked about this. Sav is family–”

“And this is the start of our son's education. Did you know that they use the same programs that the nobles use for private lessons–”

Drake grumbles. “Weren’t you just asking me if I thought he was normal?”

“Drake.”  

“--about how if we’ve fucked him up yet?”

“Drake Walker.”  Jodi crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow. “Please don’t start with that noble shit right now. I’m only wanting the best for him. I love Sav, but I want him doing more than just playing with cars and watching television. Not to mention that drive? Everyday? Especially in Valtoria traffic?” 

“You also don’t have to go back to work,” Drake mutters. When he notices the room is silent, he turns around to see a glaring Jodi with her hands on her hips.  He nervously clears his throat. “Sorry. Continue, sweetheart.”

“He needs structure–”

“Have you met Bertrand?”

“Drake,” she rubs her head as if she is developing a headache.  She quietly saunters towards her husband, slowly snaking her hands around his abdomen. “Please. This will be really good for Finn. I promise.” She tightens her embrace, pressing her forehead into his broad chest. “They have an open house in a few weeks that we can go to. Would that make you feel better?”

Drake gently runs his hands up and down his wife’s back, milling around the information he just learned. He takes a deep breath, finally looking down and meeting her pleading gaze. “Fine. Open house, but Savannah until then.”

“Deal.”  Their lips meet briefly, eliciting a soft moan from Jodi.

“Any other benefits I should know about?” Drake sasses.

“Actually…” Jodi bites her bottom lip, “remember how I only got eight weeks off after I had Finn, and only six of them were paid for?”

Drake huffs under his breath as he pulls out his lunchbox to pack. “Don’t remind me… fucking school district is a bunch of crooks.”

Jodi widens her eyes, placing her pointer finger on her mouth as she shifts her eyes to Finn. Drake retracts his head like a turtle before mouthing the word sorry. 

“Anyway,” Jodi jovially rolls her eyes, “so get this: even as a part-time employee, I still get six months of paid maternity leave. Guaranteed.”

“O…kay.” Drake titters, opening up the refrigerator, “is this your subtle-not-so-subtle way of bringing up the baby conversation again?”

“No–I mean… sortof?” She cocks her head, her tongue pressed to the back of her teeth.  

The moment Drake hears the inflection in her voice, he freezes. Then whirls around to face his wife, noticing how extremely tired she looks. Then he turns to face the sink, glancing at her untouched plate and mug of coffee.

“Jo?” His eyes shift suspiciously towards his wife.

“Drake?” She smiles sheepishly.

“You’re… not…” he tries hard to stifle his smile, but the joy in his gaze betrays him.

Jodi shrugs her shoulders before nodding her head enthusiastically, biting her bottom lip. Within seconds, her husband scoops her up in his arms, lifting her off the ground as their lips melt in a tender kiss.

“Are you serious?  Wait… are you sure?”  He whispers. “You’re not fucking with me? We–we’re really having another baby?” Watching her husband fumble with his words, Jodi is consumed with giggles, her cheeks pinking with joy. Before she can even answer a single question, Drake pushes his mouth back into hers, tracing a trail of heated kisses to the back of her neck before finally embracing her tightly, burying his face into her gold locks. Wrapped in each other's arms, they fall into a pleasurable silence as they gently rock each other back and forth, basking in the blessing of turning into a family of four. “I love you, Jo.”

“Love you, Walker," she echoes hoarsely, sharing one last peck on his lips. Suddenly, she bounds to the baby gate where Finn is watching intently, reaching for his parents.  Jodi picks him up, saddling him on her hip as she spins him around. “And… I love you!” She squeals, grabbing his belly, tickling him lightly as he throws his head back with giggles.

“Oh, damnit.”

Jodi abruptly stops, growing concerned as her husband’s face drops. “What’s wrong?”

“I just realized… I’m not gonna have any extra dollar bills for that new stripper–”

Jodi scrunches up her face. “Let’s get Daddy,” she whispers to Finn. They begin to tickle Drake as he shields himself, all the while laughing hysterically. “No strippers, ya hear me? Y’all are going to hire a sweet girl with manners…  that can keep her clothes on during working hours.”

“That’s what strippers do during working hours,” he snorts, enveloping his small family, planting a kiss on Finn's chubby cheek. As Drake tries to smooth down his son's inherited cowlick, he grows quiet, his expression pensive.  “You’re right, you know.”  Drake exhales, becoming more serious. “I do still care… And if I can’t make him feel better, then I hope this crazy plan of hiring a nice girl works.”

“I hope so too, baby.”

“I just hope she can break through to him,” he sighs, “and that it’s not too late.”

~🖤~

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[youjustwaitsunshine]

Sebs interview with Der Spiegel, 26.6.2021, Part 2

as with Part 1, there might be some typos or small translation errors

Q: Formula 1 team bosses like Toto Wolff from Mercedes say that the Grand Prix circus has a communication problem. It hadn't worked to explain the grand efficiency of those hybrid engines to the audience.

A: The problem of Formula 1 to me isn't a question of communication. It's a question of relevance. We ask ourselves if we're allowed to shoot fireworks on New Year - because that also produces fine particles and emits CO2. In a time like this it's fully justified that Formula 1 has to fight for its place and its right to stay. So it should again become a development ground for the sake of the series production and - because we need mobility - for the sake of the environment.

Q: What does serial production owe to Formula 1?

A: Innovations like the ABS, for example,kr traction control. Driving has gotten safer for the individual person, accidents get avoided. That's what I call relevant. If you look into my race car today, it has none of that.

Q: Why?

A: Because it's about putting the driver's performance into the spotlight. And with it the sport and the entertainment. Which is correct, but it took the relevance from Formula 1.

Q: How can Formula 1 become a development ground for the car industry again?

A: A great chance could be the development of synthetic fuels.

Q: The German car industry is steering strongly towards electric engines. And you want to save the dated combustion engine?

A: On this world, there's about a billion cars that burn diesel or petrol. Those can't be replaced from one day to the next. It would also be desirable to find a way to operate those cars without damaging the environment. I know that synthetic fuels stand only at the beginning of development, that it still takes time, that it's expensive. But if nobody pushes that development, it will always stay that expensive.

Q: Do you think the switch to electric drive is a mistake?

A: I wouldn't say a mistake, no. But like with everything in life, you shouldn't just bet on one horse. We can't just look at Germany here. We have to look at this globally and look at regions where the switch away from the combustion engine can't be completed that quickly. Who's going to build a useful charging infrastructure in Africa or South America in a time that short? And what about trucks, about ships and planes? It's not foreseeable with those when they can be operated electrically. So we need alternatives. And Formula 1 is perfect for that.

Q: The FIA has frozen all engine regulations until 2025. The manufacturers invested hundreds of millions into the engines. Those should amortize first.

A: I understand the argumentation. Only, if the FIA announces to force more environmentally friendly engines from 2025 onwards, I'm asking myself why we delay such an important development. It needs the courage to not hold on to old things anymore. Not to treat the interests of individuals with consideration but act in the interest of us all.

Q: After your five years with Ferrari you didn't end your career and looked for a new job in F1. So you decided to stay part of the system.

A: Please assume that I give my opinions openly to the decision makers who make the rules. And as a driver I'm probably listened to more than as a retired driver. Again: if the rules dictated to maybe mix 50% synthetic fuels in for the transition and then drive with 100% non-fossil fuels in a few years, that would be exactly the challenge Formula 1 needs - quickly bringing technological innovation on the road.

Q: The Grand Prix circus leaves a massive ecological footprint. There used to be 16 races, mostly in Europe, today its 23 races and all the people and the material gets flown from continent to continent.

A: Absolutely. The race calendar doesn't make much sense. At the moment it's following too much the interests and wishes of singular countries and sponsors, same as the pointless waste of resources at plane shows. Those are things that can be worked out quickly and where the change would have a big impact. I hear from other sports trying to reduce their travel efforts. The ski circus wants to avoid the commute between Austria, Switzerland and the other Alpine countried in the future and plan a sensible route through the winter instead.

Q: Would Formula 1 be willing to do that?

A: It's talked about at least. The Formula 1 management have invited me to a round table discussion about environmental issues last time, where there were talks about the race calendar as well. I hope this get worked on now.

Q: The sport has a far reaching autonomy, should politics give more impulses in environmental questions?

A: Firstly, it's important that people understand that protecting the environment concerns everyone. Then I would wish for a change in Germany, to lead with a good example. That there isn't only talking but action. The Bundesverfassungsgericht (federal constitutional court) upped the pressure with the decision for climate protection. I think there needs to be a change at the top.

Q: So you want the Green Party in power?

A: I know that the Green Party often get called a 'prohibition party', but we have to move away from words like prohibition or sacrifice and from the fear, everything would develop into a bad direction. We should recognize the chances.

Q: You're going to vote green?

A: At the moment, almost every party has climate protection written on their banner and in their program. The question is, where will actually something happen. We should vote for a government where we're convinced that they stand for those values and principles most authentically. Yes, I will vote Green.

Q: Isn't it shocking to you that the Green Party in the case of their government participation will want to plead for a speed limit on german motorways?

A: The times where you could really step on the gas on the motorway are long gone anyways. It feels like half the motorway is under construction all the time and the other half has so much traffic that you can't drive fast. I actually believe we'd be better of with a 120 or 130 kph speed limit, just because the traffic would flow better.

Q/End: Mr Vettel, thank you for the conversation.

[anonymityisfunwriter]

THIS IS SO GOOD. To be honest, I saw this late last night and I just needed to sit with it for a minute, this is an amazing analysis and theory.

And I think you've touched on a really important point about the car's symbolic meaning. I think the car is partly symbolic of her own autonomy and the maturity that comes with claiming/not claiming your own autonomy.

In Debut, she's never driving the car. Ever. At that point and in the duration of her writing the album (from 12 or 13 to 16), she's not driving. It is very casual. And she isn't yet mature enough to claim that autonomy (in this case drive). It's even a little scene in Picture to Burn when Taylor and Abigail are in Abigail's car spying on her ex who's letting his new gf drive his truck, something that he never let Taylor do.

In Fearless, you've got plenty of examples, too. In Fifteen, when she's out on her very first date and she's just giddy about this boy and talking about all his amazing traits. One of those traits? He's got a car. It's a very young, immature mentality. Having a car does not make a good boyfriend/partner, but in high school it's really cool. The car is symbolic of all those little things that entice you when you're younger.

And Speak Now era, was probably the first era that Taylor went from being Taylor, aspiring country singer, to Taylor Swift, and the whole famous exes thing, the VMA thing. She's in the spotlight, and she's very aware of it. For all intents and purposes, she's lost all her autonomy. She can't go wherever she wants, do what she wants, date who she wants. She's not in control. And I think that's compounded by the John Mayer thing, because yes, a 32 year old dating a 19 year old will very likely strip you of your autonomy. Being publicly humiliated at the VMAs by a totally different 32 year old man. The narrative that is slowly being built around her. She's not driving the car anymore. She's just the passenger watching as her life and career just races forward.

And I think in Red, she's talking about the car, a Maserti, which is a really nice car, don't quote me though I know very little about cars. Anyway, this very nice car is going down a dead end street. It's very blurred because in most songs, she isn't talking about who's driving the car, just that the car is being driven. She's once again with an older man, who from what we've heard in the story isn't that great of a guy, and she knows it's a doomed relationship from the start. She's not sure who's driving the car because she had no idea who was actually calling the shots. She's at a very confusing stage in her life and she's not sure if she's the one making the choices to get in and drive the car or if the car is being driven for her down a dead end street. Am I going too far with this car metaphor, I don't know? This is the case for everything except All Too Well. She's not driving the car, she's looking back and realizing that this relationship was not really the romantic, whirlwind she thought it was. She wasn't driving the car, he was "And you were tossing me the car keys" "You almost ran the red because you were looking at me" She looks back and remembers him driving the car, him tossing her the keys, him taking and giving that autonomy as he pleased.

And this is getting really, really long because I loved this theory so much, like so, so much.

So I'll just say one more thing.

In 1989, we learn that Harry Styles can't drive.

I would love to hear that essay, because THIS WAS AMAZING 💛

13/13

@anonymityisfunwriter

I have a new Taylor Theory, lemme know if you want the deets.

[immensetruckingsolutionsltd]

Independent Truckers: The Long-Term Benefits of Commitment to Your Business

In the ever-evolving landscape of the trucking industry, independent truckers face unique challenges and opportunities. Along the road, those who commit to their business often reap significant long-term benefits.

Building a Strong Reputation

For independent truckers, reputation is everything. Committing to delivering exceptional service helps build a strong reputation within the industry. Satisfied clients to recommend your services to others, leading to new business opportunities. By providing reliable, on-time deliveries and maintaining open lines of communication, you establish yourself as a trustworthy partner in logistics. 2. Customer Loyalty

Long-term commitment fosters strong relationships with clients. When customers need it, they are more likely to become repeat clients. Building customer loyalty is essential in the trucking industry, where competition is fierce. 3. Increased Earnings Potential

While the initial stages of independent trucking can be challenging, a long-term commitment often leads to increased earnings. As you establish yourself and build a network of loyal clients, you can negotiate better rates and contracts that reflect your expertise and reliability. Additionally, long-standing relationships with brokers and shippers can lead to more consistent loads, reducing downtime and increasing your overall income. 4. Enhanced Skills and Expertise

Committing to your business allows you to invest time in developing your skills and knowledge. Whether attending workshops, participating in industry associations, or seeking mentorship, continuous learning enhances your expertise, making you a more effective and competitive trucker. 5. Greater Flexibility and Control

A commitment to your trucking business allows you to create a flexible schedule that meets your lifestyle needs while maximizing your income potential. This autonomy enables you to choose the types of loads you want to haul, the routes you prefer, and the clients you wish to work with, giving you greater control over your career. 6. Networking Opportunities

Long-term involvement in the trucking industry opens doors to valuable networking opportunities. Engaging with peers, industry leaders, and potential clients through conferences, online forums, and local events can expand your professional network. Building relationships within the industry not only provides support and camaraderie but can also lead to referrals and partnerships that benefit your business. 7. Resilience During Challenges

The trucking industry can be unpredictable, with fluctuations in demand, fuel prices, and regulatory changes. However, a commitment to your business fosters resilience. Commitment helps you stay focused on long-term goals, even with short-term setbacks. 8. Personal Growth and Satisfaction

Running your own trucking business is not just about profits; it’s also a journey of personal growth. The challenges you face and the milestones you achieve contribute to your development as a business owner and individual.

Conclusion

For independent truckers, long-term commitment is the cornerstone of success. At Immense Trucking Solutions Ltd, we recognize the dedication required to succeed in this industry and are here to support independent truckers in their journey. Whether you need resources, advice, or partnerships, we are committed to helping you achieve your long-term goals. Embrace your commitment, and watch your trucking business flourish!

[finalfantasyviiofficial]

Callout Post for Nautilusopus/The Number I

For those of you that don’t know, I am bringing to light the actions of Tumblr/AO3 user Nautilusopus, who wrote the extremely harmful fanfiction The Number I, which openly condones racism, misogyny, animal cruelty, and abuse. 

Problematic elements of the story:

There is a scene towards the latter portion of the story where Cloud kills and eats four guards. Not only is this behaviour extremely abusive on his part for reasons that should be obvious to anyone that isn’t a freak, but is a gross appropriation of cannibalism culture. 

Abuse apologists will be tempted here to point out the behaviour of the guards that “provoked” this response. This is typical victim-blaming at its worst, especially when the guards were creating a sex-positive environment, which Cloud rejected without even engaging the subject.

This also very clearly violates the guards’ bodily autonomy, as they did not consent to this.

Cloud is white, and exploits his white privilege to force a POC minority character (Zack) to perform tasks for him (carrying him while unconscious).

In this fic, the character Aeris frequently and repeatedly engages in animal abuse, in the form of calling her pet cat Cassiopeia “Shithead”. 

This is never condemned by the story at any point. 

Cloud is treated as an ethnic and cultural minority within the world of the fic (a la the Irish, the Romani), but is violent and has a criminal record, conforming to negative stereotypes about minorities.

The character Hojo is awful most notably for having a more prominent role than Lucrecia, the female character whose work his career was supplemented by. Once again, the narrative does absolutely nothing to condemn him for this in any way.

Tifa at one point ingests another character’s blood. This is media that is deliberately creating an unwelcoming space for Jews and Muslims, who are by law forbidden from consuming blood. 

This is especially unforgivable considering the presence of a Jewish character within the story. 

Cloud illegally crosses a highway when he is hit by a truck. This is directly the result of him speeding, endangering everyone around him. 

This is never condemned by the narrative in any meaningful way. 

Apparently this whole thing was supposed to be poly but the author was too lazy to follow through on a fully developed 4-way romance and scaled it back to all the main characters being bi, thus denying everyone more overt queer representation. 

Problematic behaviour on the part of the author/affiliates:

Associates with known art criminal @waifujuju who did not draw her last few pieces with backlit characters, thus openly gaslighting her followers. 

WaifuJuju has further sullied her reputation by creating fanart for the fic.

Other tumblr users to willingly associate themselves with the author and their content via art include @tofuthebold, @kaiju-dragon, @masquerabe, and @fury-brand, (receipts: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]) They have failed to openly condemn Nautilusopus in any way, and instead have offered their enthusiastic support.

fury-brand also further openly glorifies the unethical consumption of peanut butter in her art submission, a point of view also flaunted by Nautilusopus in the fic in question.

Especially egregious is Tumblr user @themateriodictable, who plagiarised famously problematic cartoon show Rick and Morty for the sake of creating fanart. 

Please, do not support Nautilusopus or their fic, which can be found here!

[sourbat]

top 6 writing influences?

This is a long one, so here's the short answer (in no particular order):

1. Exploitation Films

2. Reoccurring trauma

3. Literature by POC

4. Socialism

5. The Beats

6. Traditional Horror

And if you want the longer version, read more underneath.

Exploitations Films- So before I went and majored in literature, I wanted to direct film. More specifically, I wanted to direct exploitation films that centered on extreme violence and government oppression. I was majorly influenced by the “Torture Porn” era of exploitation films (early-mid 2000s- early 2010s), but since delving into the world of SAW I’ve taken the plunge into other works such as Pasolini’s Salo, or Greenaway’s The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover and looked at the hidden meaning behind these messages. I quickly learned that these obscene and extreme films all had some underlying message: that violence is justifiable in certain circumstances (ex: if you’re wealthy). I wanted to make films that discussed these “justifiable” excuses, reasons that we as a society make up. I used to write more of these satires, but since then have taken the next step to theorizing solutions, or means to subvert our oppressors.

Reoccurring Violence/Trauma- I mean this was my whole MA career right here. I studies films, games, and other media centered on violence and past traumas. This is sorta where I gained a real appreciation for intergenerational trauma, and when I started to discuss and explore my own. Again, much of my older works discuss the trauma to an extreme extent, whereas these days it’s less about the suffering, and more about finding the root cause and beginning to heal. I wanna give a shout out to my girl Slyvia Plath, whose works still haunt me to this day. You were done dirty, girl, and you deserve to be taught in public school to help those who need it. (and before you ask; yes, my own trauma does fall under this category. but that's a more private conversation)

Literature written by non-white, POC writers, scholars, etc.-It was my second year of college when I was finally met with such narratives as “white people did not colonize the Americas and Hawaii. They invaded these lands, and still are to this day.” I finally had names of well established writers who LOOKED like me. Who grew up Catholic like me, and felt lied and betrayed like me. You never realize how bad you needed to read a book where the only people who are described are white (making them the outlier), and all the defaults are brown, like me. Like anyone whose read some of my wordier stories seem to presume I got my influences from writers like Shelley, Dickens and or King (and to some extent, they’re right), but it’s actually Viramontes, Diaz and Alexie that inspired me to keep on trucking with my writing.

Socialism/Socialist Theorists -I’m not gonna delve to deep into this one since I’d rather not raise a discussion on politics on this website. If you’re curious to know more, you can ask me personally how this affected my writing/viewpoints. I can say that many early modern writers (especially black) were socialists… you just don’t get the pleasure of learning about it until much, much later….

The Beat movement- The best way to describe this movement is “transcendentalism+ modernism and naturalism, mixed with all the worst drugs). This does partially tie with the socialist portion (though more communist if we look at our writers). Admittedly, I got into these guys thanks to Naked Lunch, a text I would only recommend to hardcore enthusiast, and the Beat movement is heavily saturated with mentally ill, drug addicted white men. There are some lesser known female writers, but I can’t name any off the top of my head. That said, a lot of the works are incredibly sardonic, sarcastic and designed to enact discomfort (gee, sound familiar). If you are curious to know and learn more, hit me up. I can recommend some of the less controversial writers of that time (or the big baddies if you wanna explore assholery at its worse).

Horror Stories-It all started with me picking up Goosebumps, and went from there. After that, came Scary Stories, spooky 80s choose your own adventures, King, Poe, Radcliffe and more. Gothic Literature gave me a window into women writers, early themes regarding body autonomy, feminisms, exploitation, etc. More importantly, it gave me a real good outlet to explore the women’s voice in literature. But really, let’s all take a moment to thank R. L. Stine for getting kids like me to read in the first place. Also, K. A. Applegate, because although Animorphs was technically Sci-fi, that shit fucked me up as a kid.

[feline17ff]

Shiko Doi!

Shiko = stone

Doi = Mountain; earth

Sakura = cherry blossom tree

She befriended multiple rivals during her idol career.

I like this :)

hoping legal adulthood would grant her more autonomy in her career.

I doubt that.

Her excessive need for control is overcompensation for the lack of it she had as an idol.

Oh!

She’s ashamed of her death, because she threw her life away by not taking the care to look both ways before crossing the street;

Baby girl no :(

She’s also more generally ashamed of having been so burdened by consequences of the career she chose and strove to be successful in.

I get that

as in an X-ray, showing the damage the truck’s collision did to her skeleton

Yesssss 🤩

Her limbs split apart along the complete breaks, the pieces floating near each other (by default) with pink light shining out of their severed ends.

Oh gosh, that's freaky cool!

I liked how you highlighted her switch from earth flowers to earth rocks -- both are called earth powers in fiction but both are so different, and I've never seen them together in the same magic system. It's either/or -- earth either means flowers and plants like W.I.T.C.H. or rocks like A:tLA

The emphasis on cracks at first did make me think of Humphrey Dumpty at first XD But that was put to rest almost immediately

I can just imagine her freaky cool Phantom Pain Form, her transformation scene will make heavy use of inverted colors because X-ray (I'm hesitant to add pictures here because permission stuff, but this one seems to be part of an optical illusion so maybe fair game:

Just google inverted colors and you'll get what I mean :))

With the dark and inverted color X-ray theme, and her limbs separating, and her horror-stricken face -- she'll have one awesome transformation sequence!

Phantom Knight Afterlife Club: Part Two

Part One

Characters

Name

Akane Gushiken, aka Phantom Blood.

Age

Nineteen.

Appearance

Akane has a tall, muscular build with no excess fat and a gaunt face. Her tanned skin bears a multitude of scars, some of which are hidden, but that apart from the stab wound that caused her death she doesn’t mind being seen. Her thick black hair is back-length, unwashed and matted, in a scruffy ponytail to keep it out of her face. She has light brown eyes with blood red scelera. Her weariness makes her look older than she is.

She wears a black leather jacket with silver studs on the lapels, a red heart symbol over her heart with an anatomically accurate pattern of major blood vessel lines branching out from it across the jacket; a dark crimson top; a thick, study bright red belt with a silver buckle; asymmetrically ripped black trousers with red hearts on each hip and knee; and black leather boots with more silver studs on the toes. Her living magical girl costume was similar, but had orange instead of red. Eight steel pint canisters with vertical glass windows are securely attached to her belt, four on each side, containing a metaphysical facsimile of her lost blood. The belt also has a loop for her knife. Her shackles are around her wrists with short broken chains from over the inside, where she would be able to feel her pulse if she still had one (symbolic of her active, pugnacious, hands-on nature).

Power and Weakness

She can manipulate human blood and any other liquid containing so much as a drop of it (though more blood content means greater ease and finesse). She can freeze it into any shape and make it a vapour. Losing all her blood would make her cease to exist.

Weapon

A machete with a black hilt.

Backstory

Akane was born into a low-income family in an impoverished inner city district with low education and high crime rates. Her parents were loving and did their best, but her mother was a career thief to provide for her family and went to prison when Akane was seven, pushing her father Hikaru to work so much to keep them alive that he could hardly spend time with his daughter. Feeling invisible and unheard even if she was loved in theory, she spent lots of time playing on the streets and looked to children her age and older for belonging. Make lasting friendships was easier said than done. She ended up entangled in the area’s gang politics and her bonds with her peers were strained by their frequent separation for months at a time to go to court, correctional facilities or hospital. She’s been carrying a knife to defend herself since she was ten. Sometimes people she’d called friends actively abandoned and betrayed her, sometimes they lost touch, but either way friends soon felt like more trouble and heartache than they were worth. She also almost consistently struggled at her poorly funded and run school, except one year where she had a considerate and nurturing teacher she made real progress under. Then that teacher had to move and Akane dismissed her progress as a fluke. She dropped out when she was fifteen to have more time to take care of Hikaru, who had fallen chronically ill, and make money for them.

It was at this low point that a fire spirit, Farei, offered her the chance to be a magical girl warrior with fire powers. She jumped to take it. Magic seemed the perfect escape from her miserable civilian life. It gave her a sense of purpose and slaughtering demons was a highly cathartic outlet for her previously aimless anger and disaffection. For the first time in her life, she felt like she was good at something. Like she was good enough to make a difference. A magical girl duo in a neighbouring territory were impressed by her skill and invited her to join them several times. She rudely declined, believing she could handle anything herself and unable to trust them.

Two years ago, Hikaru passed away. His illness had worsened, and he hadn’t been able to get a diagnosis until it had progressed to be untreatable. They’d grown a lot closer since she was little and he was the only person in her life she cared about, Farei more of a colleague. She was absolutely devasted. She got more and more reckless and self-destructive, chain-smoking, drinking more and picking fights she knew she couldn’t win, and these patterns of behaviour persisted up to her death, after she’d begun to come to terms with losing her dad.

Her insistence on going solo backfired when following her takedown of almost fifty demons consecutively one night, the last demon standing stabbed her in the back. Too exhausted and in shock to call an ambulance, she bled to death alone. This was coincidentally and the same night the Tenebrous Emperor was killed.

Personality

Akane is pretty disillusioned with humanity, caring little for the good of the many and quick to assume the worst in people. In physical combat and social interaction, she believes the best defence is a good offence - and she’s used to needing to perpetually defend herself. She’s easily irritated and belligerent. Anger is the emotion she’s most comfortable expressing. She possesses a sharp tongue, habit of being verbally aggressive and grim, sarcastic, irreverent sense of humour. She relishes the thrill of a good fight, to the point of drawing battles out and provoking strong opponents on purpose when she’s desperately bored or or desiring distraction. Or feeling she deserves to be punished, as she did in the initial throes of her grief. Even if she’s in a good mood and getting along with someone, she likes to playfully tease them. A sign that she’s extraordinarily upset is her not having the energy or engagement to mock or insult anyone, and responding to things that aggravate her with resignation or overt hurt, not snapping.

The other side to this relentless passion and drive is a valiant heroic spirit. Her courage and resilience is unshakable and she will never back down from a challenge, even knowing she’ll lose, if she believes it’s right. Once she sets her mind on something, she will not let it go. And by the same token, she won’t give up on her friends either. She may not have had it as a primary motivation until her teammates roped her into it, but she finds she does earnestly enjoy helping others. It’s so much more satisfying to have a significant positive impact on the world than a significant destructive one. That was a forgotten aspect of the rush of her early days of service. It’s just she believes hurting is what she’s best at and will probably end up doing anyway by her nature, so it’s less wasted effort not to try to do anything else. Harming the already downtrodden or mistreated really infuriates her, most of all children being hurt, manipulated or exploited the way the adults running her old gang exploited her.

She actually loves being a ghost and prefers it to being alive. She can still fight demons, the only thing she lived for; she has cool new powers; she doesn’t need to worry about survival besides the blood thing (it does annoy her that she can die of the exact same thing she already died of); and no human can hurt her ever again. Dying a war hero was honestly the best future she had hoped for in the last two years of her life. It beat going to prison. What does she have to mourn? Lost opportunities for a better life? What happiness and good relationships she did have? She was mourning those already. Being a magical girl was all she had and now it’s all she is. Telling herself she had nothing left to lose anyway and enjoying the perks of her new existence is how she deflects from processing her grief for a) her cruel death young, alone and unloved, b) the true injustice of the hand she was dealt in life and c) her parents, especially her dad. Her personal desire is to find Hikaru’s ghost, or if he isn’t a ghost, figure out how to get to this higher plane he’s on. She struggles the most out of the four to turn visible and tangible, because of her refusal to let herself feel emotional connection to the living world.

Akane is fiercely independent and afraid of vulnerability. She’s deeply averse to self-reflection because of her self-hatred and instead externalizes her turmoil through lashing out. She deliberately pretends to be stereotypically stupid and simplistic muscle to so she can trick enemies into underestimating her, but more negatively to consciously stay or try to stay in ignorance of difficult, distressing insights and not have to unpack her feelings. Besides, school always made her feel stupid; she probably is, right? The truth is she’s sharper and more cunning that even she gives herself credit for and often wins using pragmatic tactics. If she would realize her mental strengths and apply herself to improving them, she could achieve much more. She lacks the social skills to be a good manipulator, however.

Over time she comes to care profoundly for her teammates and defend them loyally. People beyond her family showing her kindness like she’s worthy of it is a novelty, but even if she can’t comprehend what value they see in her they’re the best friends she’s ever had and she tries to show that she appreciates it in her own indirect manner. She develops particular protectiveness and affection toward Tomoko and Miu because the obvious pain and injustice in their lives before their deaths resonates with her. She used to disrespect Miu, but her new goal is teaching her to challenge people and express anger. Meanwhile, she thinks Shiko is a spoiled snob and has a rivalry with her. Shiko likes clever plans and leads most of the time; Akane usually thinks brute force would get the job done more easily and sometimes takes the lead in combat since she has the most experience killing demons.

Phantom Pain Form

Spilt Blood. She gets glowing, solid red eyes. Her canisters open and her blood engulfs her in a roiling orb, then freezes into a shell and cracks apart. She emerges with tracks of blood streaming down her cheeks like tears. Her hair bursts out of its ponytail and grows to reach her ankles with crimson streaks. Her clothes’ red and black are inverted with her heart symbols broken in two, the rips her old costume had when she died manifesting in them. The studs are now spikes. Her chains extend and join together, but are pretty loose and she can deftly wield the giant, two-handed sword her machete becomes.

She has Akane’s anger issues and love of violence taken to the extreme and all her inhibitions removed, manically revelling in brutality and willing to hurt anyone, even her friends, who gets between her and instant gratification. She’s essentially feral. She isn’t evil, but amoral and savage, consumed by primal instincts just as Akane has been in survival mode for most of her life. Not thinking critically and engaging her higher thought processes in favour of following her surface emotions is Akane’s main unhealthy coping mechanism, so her Phantom Pain form takes that and runs with it.

***

Name

Shiko Doi.

Age

Seventeen.

Appearance

Shiko is a fair-skinned girl with a curvaceous figure and long legs, fit beneath her plumpness because her level dancing of is strenuous exercise and she’s been doing regularly it for years. Her wavy, glossy dark brown hair hangs loose to her shoulders, neatly brushed and coiffed with pink streaks (that interestingly have returned from her old magical form despite her dying as a civilian). She has brown eyes with white sclera. She wears soft, feminine pink lipstick and eyeshadow and her fingernails are painted the same shade.

She wears an elegant white and pink minidress with crack patterns on the white sections; high white heeled boots with crack patterns; and a flashy gold necklace, earrings and twin bracelets with rhombus-shaped rose quartz gemstones. She has shackles around her upper thighs with chains hanging down to her knees (symbolic of her dynamic, strong and proud nature, always standing tall and striding forward).

Power and Weakness

Geokinesis, based on the mineral component of bones. She can also more intuitively control bone itself. She will die if her spinal cord is disconnected.

Weapon

A poleaxe with an indestructible ghost-bone head that she can reshape and add to at will, e.g. giving it an additional curved spike at the back for grappling, two blades or a flat bludgeoning side. It has a rose quartz rhombus on each side of the bladed end of the handle. When not in battle, she enjoys casually experimenting with new decorative designs once she gets over her squeamishness about it being bone.

Backstory

The sole child of a wealthy family, Shiko grew up pampered. She was popular at school too. She always loved music and became an incredible singer, as well as a talented dancer and actor. She became a magical girl three years ago at fifteen, gifted the power to cleanse locations, objects and people’s souls of runaway dark magic’s spiritual corruption that was rampant in her town’s area, and heal any damage it wrought. She found it easiest to channel through song, when she was totally in tune with her positive emotions.

In a matter of weeks an idol company scout latched onto her. Seeing singing on a larger scale and going on tour as a means of widening her magic application to do more good, she accepted the job and took the stage name Sakura. She had a flower theme with pink as her primary colour (drawing parallels to the Greek goddess Persephone with her theme changing to the inorganic earth when she is suddenly ripped away from life to become a being of the afterlife, and in tandem her trading a cute childlike look for a more mature, regal one). While Sakura was an admired, beloved rising star, over time the stresses of idol life got to Shiko. Her manager was strict and dictatorial. Between training, performing and cultivating and maintaining her image she was so busy she eventually could hardly fit in the magical girl duties not sublimated into her performances. She had little to no quality time with her family and friends. Keeping up with the pressures of sudden fame slowly switched to being her top priority.

She died a week before Akane by accidentally running in front of a fast truck without checking the road for oncoming traffic at night. This was panic, not plain foolishness; she was in a hurry to get to the privacy of her home because she was being stalked by paparazzi. The collision gave her many injuries, but a broken spine was what killed her. Forming the team was her idea.

Personality

Shiko is a professional in everything, realist and generally levelheaded. She likes discipline and structure, one reason she always thrived in school and could hone her artistic talents so well. She doesn’t like to dwell on negatives and wallow in feeling bad, but does account for present and potential problems in order to fix them. She has a strategic, analytical type of intelligence, willing to sacrifice and take the long path to satisfaction, and trying to use every available advantage. Her fighting style is calculated, deliberate and a balance of graceful and forceful. Because of her more grounded nature, she finds making herself visible and tangible intuitive and has fun blending in with the living, grateful that her eyes look normal if the green blood vessels go unnoticed. She deeply resents dying when she had her whole life ahead of her and knows she could have had such great success in adulthood.

She’s very socially skilled: confident, charismatic, a reassuring listener and persuasive speaker. She can intuitively recognize people’s individual strengths, flaws and insecurities and put them to good use, making her as highly effective a leader as she is uplifting and dependable a friend. She’s also prepared to challenge and call out her friends when they’re behaving irrationally. Being respected is more important to her than being liked. She still makes an effort to be liked, of course, but not trusting her, listening to her or valuing her skills will offend her much more seriously. To her ranking them the other way around would be frivolous and petty. For example, if she had to choose between the greater good and a friend’s feelings, she would sacrifice the friend’s feelings, telling herself the friend would understand why she was right and thus no longer be upset when they talked it out. That requires her to be very adept at the art of talking things out. She befriended multiple rivals during her idol career.

Although her motivation is genuinely wanting to help people, it is partly rooted in a subconscious sense of superiority - she doesn’t need help, she’s the one who helps others! Shiko has a lot to be justly proud of but goes too far into vanity. She can be attention-seeking and demanding. The trend of her serving as the voice of reason means she’s quite self-righteous and haughty, and so is awkward, shaken, defensive or downright in denial if it’s pointed out that she’s being irrational or in the wrong, and she can’t receive criticism and correction with nearly the amount of grace with which she expects others to accept hers. As a living magical girl and idol, she was constantly playing to a crafted persona and that mindset is initially her default. She’s inexperienced dropping her perfect walls and allowing people to understand and connect with her true self, and vice versa. The result is her sometimes lacking empathy. Without it her kindness becomes condescension and her inspirational confidence sheer arrogance.

She’s afraid of vulnerability in that she wants to seem like she always has the situation, or at least herself, under control and wants to be treated like an adult when she just isn’t yet, and infallible when she can’t be. She likes to remind her teammates that she was only a couple of months away from her eighteenth birthday. She was looking forward to it, hoping legal adulthood would grant her more autonomy in her career. Her excessive need for control is overcompensation for the lack of it she had as an idol. She’s ashamed of her death, because she threw her life away by not taking the care to look both ways before crossing the street; and because to explain why she wasn’t careful would mean admitting that she didn’t enjoy and control every aspect of her idol life. She’s also more generally ashamed of having been so burdened by consequences of the career she chose and strove to be successful in.

The liberty from life’s concerns and her new friends’ influence are encouraging her to live in the moment and let her guard down more. Shiko is increasingly comfortable acting like a normal teenager. For all her and Akane’s differences, she does begrudgingly recognize her insights as valuable and wishes she would use her brain more, and bows to her and the others’ greater knowledge of demons. She encourages Miu to be more confident and tries to accommodate for her voice and ideals in her plans, and be a reliable rock for her to lean on. She has a sisterly bond with Tomoko. She’s actually mildly flustered by the depth of Tomoko’s admiration for her, wanting to live up to it and having never been this personally close to a fan before.

Phantom Pain Form

Shattered Bone. Her eyes glow solid white. In her transformation sequence we see her as in an X-ray, showing the damage the truck’s collision did to her skeleton. Her poleaxe gets new spikes and the blade fractures and becomes serrated due to the smooth edge breaking off in shards. Her chains extend into the earth to restrain her legs. Her limbs split apart along the complete breaks, the pieces floating near each other (by default) with pink light shining out of their severed ends. Small bone fragments and rocks float loose in midair around her. She can use them as projectiles. Her outfit turns whiter with the pink relegated to the inside of the wider, longer and more numerous cracks. Her hair turns fully pink and styled in low, thin, waist-length pigtails, each mostly contained in a white tube with a rounded puff of hair at the end. Her default expression is of shock, terror and horror, the exact one she wore in the second between realizing the truck was about to hit her and being hit. She mostly manipulates her poleaxe telekinetically like a fifth limb.

Shiko tries so hard to keep her composure; Shattered Bone is what happens when that composure is obliterated. She runs on pure emotion. The upside is, she can recognize her friends and is very protective of her friends. The downside is, she’s volatile and unpredictable, normally in a blind, frenzied state of rage and anguish that she takes out on her enemies or at worst whoever else available in hopes of some measure of catharsis. Shattered Bone has none of Shiko’s technique in how she uses her power and is messy and imprecise.

***

Name

Miu, aka Phantom Breath. She doesn’t have a family name.

Age

Sixteen.

Appearance

Miu is a slender, lean, average height girl with dark skin. She has thick, kinked black hair tied by yellow bows in high, intricately braided pigtails that imitate wings at the side of her head, the rest in wavy cornrows. Her warm brown eyes have sunshine yellow sclera.

She wears a canary yellow knee-length A-line dress with fluffy matching feather trim on the short puffy sleeves and skirt, a black belt and bows on the skirt. She also has forest green tights and black patent leather Mary Janes with gold buckles. She wears a shackle around her neck with the chain section hanging from the front (symbolic of how her voice and spirit were stifled long before she died, and reflecting her strangulation).

Power and Weakness

Aerokinesis, including the ability to sense the chemical composition of air she touches. Unlike other ghosts, she needs to breathe, though the content of the air is irrelevant - she just needs to have some kind of gas to inhale or she’ll suffocate.

Weapon

A fine, light indestructible golden net of shimmering metal wire that can shrink or expand as much as she wills it to.

Backstory

A little over three years ago, when the Demon Empire first recognized the original magical girl team as a serious threat, the Emperor decided to fight fire with fire and had a healthy human girl kidnapped without a trace. Surely it would throw these pesky vigilantes off to have to face an enemy so similar to them. Her biological family eventually presumed her dead. Her memories were erased and for the next year she knew nothing but her new guardian’s indoctrination (he told her he’d saved her life because he saw potential in her) and abuse until she was deemed ready to fight on the frontlines. She had no magic of her own, but was trained in espionage, combat and the use of magical tools. As a dark magical girl, her canary motif was linked to the idea of a canary in a coal mine via specializing in weaponizing gases - knockout, poisonous and enchanted varieties, the latter having a range of effects, from filling people with irrational rage to standard mind control to affecting the environment with mystical corruption (she wore a grey titanium gas mask over her mouth and nose, stiff and pointed like a beak). She also wielded feathers throwing blades. The yellow and black in her dress were inverted and the green was more prominent and murkier, conveying toxicity. For stealth and intimidation, and to avoid saying anything wrong, she tended not to talk. She didn’t talk much at ‘home’ either, her ‘father’ making it clear her input and opinion wasn’t wanted and didn’t matter.

The first people to take interest in her personality and treat her like a sapient being were the heroes she was pitted against. They realized she wasn’t happy or loved, so they reached out to her in friendship. Though obviously she didn’t instantly trust them, but when they repeatedly proved their cared more about her than the Emperor and vice versa, it led to her questioning her indoctrination, the justness of the war and whether she could have an identity outside of a soldier in it. Her investigation found plenty of evidence she was on the wrong side, but directly disobeying her abuser seemed impossible. A year ago the team leader was captured. Miu was her only chance of salvation. In this critical moment she chose what was right rather than what was safe. The new friends escaped together and Miu officially joined the heroes.

Despite all her growth like learning to trust people and understanding that the abuse she experienced wasn’t her fault, she never forgave herself for her crimes or fully internalized that she was innately worthy of love. But she pretended she was further along her recovery than she was for her friends’ benefit. This barrier strained her side of those friendships to a degree and she would secretly wonder how secure her place on the team truly was. After all, they’d been a perfectly balanced well-oiled machine before and she worried she’d disrupted that. This doubt was never resolved.

The climax of her redemption arc came when she confronted the Emperor alone in a heroic sacrifice to protect her friends. She rejected his manipulation and denounced him to his face, and damaged his armour, which would later enable the rest of the team to defeat him; but he fatally strangled her. They swore to avenge her and validate her sacrifice. After watching over them for the month until they killed the Emperor, beating herself up for not living to help them, she made new friends and saw she was unhealthily torturing herself. She agreed to join their team and travel to make the most of her afterlife.

Personality

Miu is selfless and empathetic to a fault. She’s caring, patient, polite, respectful and intensely loyal, recalling how invaluable her living friends’ persistence in supporting her was. On the surface, you could believe her to be everything you’d want in a friend. That’s what she aims to be: exactly what she was missing. She’ll always put your wants and needs ahead of her own… always. Her sincere kindness is conflated with a pathological fear of conflict and compulsive people pleasing. She has the habits of swallowing or downplaying her opinions to avoid clashing with anyone and evaluating every question, even casual ones, to figure out the desired and ‘right’ answer. It’s taken her a while to internalize that every disagreement or fight won’t rip the group’s friendships to shreds. She’s still uncomfortable and anxious during arguments. She does her best to keep the peace in the group, but may ignore or be complicit in relationship problems to avoid addressing them, preferring to change the subject if a solution or compromise can’t be efficiently found. Being so agreeable and passive is her main social survival mechanism.

The severe trauma of the Emperor’s parenting style has fundamentally shaped her character. She has low self-esteem, does not think that she deserves unconditional love and struggles to grasp that concept itself, and is excessively humble and self-deprecating. She apologizes reflexively and inordinately, used to being declared to be in the wrong anytime without warning. Feeling completely safe is very difficult for her and managed the easiest with her friends all around her, in a secure shelter with good visibility - but depending on how close to okay she is internally at that time, may still be impossible. She’s hypervigilant, timid and jumpy at. She needs to believe so ardently in her higher ideals and causes because her belief in herself is so frail. She used to be terrified of how her friends would react to her dark past. Even now that she’s told them a vaguer, abridged version of her life and they didn’t love her any less afterward, she can never quite shake the concern that they might leave her. Because really, how worthwhile could she be? Stuttering and losing her speech are telltale signs that she’s afraid, upset and specifically triggered. On the worst days she’ll barely say a word.

Her driving motivation is to atone for her crimes and put enough good into the world to outweigh them. Having clawed her way to morality out of hell, her code of ethics the one thing besides her love of her friends she’s unwilling to compromise on. She tries to see the best in everyone and believes firmly in redemption; she’ll even attempt to reason with the more humanlike demons, and with every ghost and human antagonist they meet. She isn’t naive. She knows all too well about irredeemable evil. But she knows you can’t change unless you know that it’s possible and have the opportunity first. Her discomfort with violence, still associating it with her abuser, means she seeks diplomatic solutions and has a merciful, indirect fighting style focused on restraining the foe, tiring them out and other nonlethal methods. Her net comes in handy for this. She’s also very generous with second chances and will put her personal grudges aside to uphold her ideal of forgiveness to a surrendered or reformed enemy. These pacifistic policies are impractical sometimes, yes, but they’re Miu’s way of keeping herself inside the lines of her redefined identity and preventing backsliding.

Miu isn’t traditionally intelligent and in her memory hasn’t had much of a formal education, but she’s good at working with what she has. She’s highly resourceful and adaptable, and more perceptive than you might presume. Hypervigilant, remember? While she doesn’t have a good head for plans, a far better follower than leader, she possesses strong lateral thinking skills and can solve problems and win battles creatively and unpredictably. It helps to offset the practical cost of her strict moral code. After all, demon society was rigid and oppressive and she escaped it by broadening her mind to think outside its boxes. Let’s put it this way: she’s talented enough in this way to admit that she has some talent.

She may not trust herself much, but she does trust her friends. She and Akane had the rockiest relationship at first - Akane dismissed her as a wimp and Miu was on edge around her and disgusted by her combativeness. Since learning the basics of her past and getting to know her better, Akane has connected with her over their shared experience of being in survival mode in dangerous, precarious, traumatic situations for years on end and greatly respects the inner strength it took to betray the Emperor. Shiko in contrast is almost unfailingly nice to her, but doesn’t understand what she’s gone through at all and can inadvertently be insensitive to her C-PTSD. Miu is avoiding this issue and is the first to bow to Shiko’s assertions of authority. She has the clearest view of Tomoko’s own low self-worth and relates to it. Her sensitivity and caution ground Tomoko and in return the younger girl teaches her most prominently how to have fun and live in the moment.

Phantom Pain Form

Last Breath. A miniature tornado whips up around her and when it clears, she’s wearing her old villainous outfit, the tip of the gas mask broken off. Her eyes glow solid yellow. Bruises are visible on her neck where they extend above and below her shackle. The chain extends to join a new loop on her bodice positioned at the bottom of her trachea. Large black bird wings that are lung-shaped when folded grow from a curved green ridge imitating a trachea going down her spine and have visible green bones in imitation of air passages. Her hair lengthens, gains yellow streaks and the braids of her pigtails, though not the pigtails themselves, come loose to better flow and lash in her wind. They’re always being blown around, even if there isn’t any wind that anyone else can feel at the moment. Her net turns black.

Representing Miu’s fear that she’ll never overcome her dark past, she makes people very appreciative of her peaceful nature in her right mind. In fact Miu’s behaviour as an agent of evil was dispassionate and efficient, but her anxiety and trauma has exaggerated her own evil in her self-perception. The result? Last Breath is nothing short of sadistic. She will pull enough air out of your lungs to make you experience nearly dying before she puts it back, repeatedly, for fun. She likes using her net to strangle her enemies and restrain them in painful positions. She can be bargained with and directed, but only if your proposal or plan still involves someone suffering, preferably at her hands. That she maintains Miu’s sweet, pleasant mannerisms and attitude adds to her creepiness.

***

Name

Tomoko Fujisaka, aka Phantom Nerve.

Age

Twelve.

Appearance

Tomoko is thin with youthfully round cheeks, and small by the standards of her age. She has pale skin, a shock of white hair in a pixie cut constantly spiky with static in an exaggeration of her messy living hairstyle, and pink eyes with light blue scelera.

Her clothing is a form-fitting purple speed skating outfit with light blue interconnected neuron motifs on the trunk, and darker blue knee pads and rollerblade boots with three pink wheels each. She wears a pink safety helmet, which resembles a brain with light blue hemisphere outlines, wrinkle and fissure lines, her chain on the back connecting the ‘hemispheres’ (symbolic of her intellect and obsession with knowledge). It can be taken off, but if she tries to leave it behind it’ll teleport back onto her person. She also wears dark purple glasses with bright blue lightning bolts arcing along their arms.

Power and Weakness

Electrokinesis. She can generate electricity (coloured faintly bluish white) through her body and rollerblades, the wheels of which crackle and spark when spinning, letting her skate on a stream of her own lightning. Later she discovers the ability to change her body itself into a bolt of lightning briefly. Even when she isn’t literal lightning, she can move about as fast. However, she is vulnerable to strong magnetic fields like electricity, the more so the more she uses her power. Unlike the others, magnetism won’t kill her unless it’s extremely intense, but before reaching that level it can disrupt and temporarily deactivate her electrokinesis.

Weapon

Her weapon is a purple handheld catapult that fires ball lightning.

Backstory

Tomoko was born to a loving middle-class family in a big city. She was bookworm and excelled in school, said to be a pleasure to have in class, and an athlete, especially loving roller skating and then rollerblading. Her sister Rai, six years older, was her hero and they were very close.

Rai and her four friends were one of the earliest magical girl teams to spring up. Her parents remained oblivious, but Tomoko soon found out and begged them to let her help and accompany them. After impressing them with her courageous assistance defeating a powerful demon - mostly through diverting his attention - her wish was granted. Her competence got her promoted from a part-time member to a permanent one in a few months. Life was amazing.

The problems began a year into this merry status quo. Being albino, her vision was naturally poor, so her parents thought little of it when she needed stronger glasses. But then her motor skills started to regress and she grew uncharacteristically forgetful and confused, forcing her to reluctantly, bitterly resign from skating and being a magical girl. She and her family realized something was badly wrong. Tomoko was diagnosed with childhood dementia, the symptoms of a rare neurodegenerative disease she’d had the horrible luck to inherit. Her health rapidly deteriorated. She began to have seizures and they just got more frequent. She forgot how to write, read, speak and walk in an agonizing decline, until five months prior to the Emperor’s passing she died abruptly during a seizure.

Her death rent the Fujisaka family apart. Her parents’ relationship has grown dysfunctional; her sister fell into depression and quit being a magical girl, breaking the item she transformed with to seal it; and without their leader or ray of sunshine, the team disbanded, their morale crushed. In their absence the city has become a burgeoning dark magic hotspot. Tomoko doesn’t know any of this. She darted out of her old neighbourhood immediately to explore Japan and isn’t ready to see her living loved ones again.

Personality

Tomoko never does anything by half. She’s overflowing with energy and intense, bubbly cheer, slow to lose hope but quick to grow restless if unstimulated. She can find fun, or at least engagement, in almost any situation. Her hyperactivity, impulsivity and impatience have only increased since getting super speed; she’s using her powers more often than not, and activates them for the sake of it by far the most of the team. Being so optimistic, she typically expects the best of endeavours. She also has solid confidence in herself. But that makes her cocky, foolhardy and stubborn, hesitant to admit to her miscalculations, as often as nobly bold.

She is very precocious and intelligent in terms of vertical thinking. She has an insatiable appetite for knowledge and understanding, apparent through her habit of questioning everything and knowing stories and concepts notably above her age level (let alone the one she was in when she stopped attending school; and a knack for breaking complex things down to their most important parts. If Shiko devises a clever plan, Miu does something creative or Akane employs a cunning tactic in a fight, Tomoko will rapidly recognize what they’re going for and be able to explain it well. She’s talkative and surprisingly sophisticated in speech, having a reader’s accent (mispronouncing words she’s read but not heard). Her memory is sharp and specific. She consistently learns from her mistakes in the sense that she won’t make the same practical one - e.g. taking on an enemy too powerful for her or attempting a mission with elements that aren’t her strong suit solo - twice. However, her naivety impedes her reckoning much with the underlying flaws that lead to her those decisions.

Tomoko wants to be capable and useful more than anything. This stems from the combination of wanting to make the people she loves proud of her (even more than in life, thanks to believing she let down her parents, sister and old team), and loathing and fearing the feeling of lacking skills and knowledge that she should have, especially compared to the precedents she sets. That’s all she felt when she was slowly dying. Feeling it again triggers her traumatic memories of that period. (She hates hospitals.) Her worst fear is is being a failure, useless and worthless and helpless. This obsessive craving for competence is the root of a lot of her behaviour, like her tendencies to overachieve, leap into danger, bite off more than she can chew and go against her protective teammates’ wishes to try prove herself.

Her insecurities are part of why she values knowledge so much: it’s simultaneously ammunition to prove her worth and a distraction. Information can be understood objectively, clarified, organized and articulated in ways emotions can’t. The fear beneath her bravado also explains why she’s, if she can help it, always either thinking about something external, doing something, or finding something to do or think about. As long as she never slows down, she never has to process her trauma. That and it feels so incredibly, addictively wonderful to have not only normal levels of ability, but actual superpowers after the level of motor skills she was reduced to. Yes, they and superhero antics are more distractions.

She is determined to be if not necessarily a great hero, at least her teammates’ equal - and the more they bond, the deeper the worry that one day she’ll let them down irreparably burrows. Shiko is the most similar to Rai and soon takes the place of a second big sister in her heart. Seemingly incongruously, her authoritative presence either has the best results in making Tomoko stay out of trouble because Tomoko can’t stand to disappoint her, or incites the most rebellion and shows of independence from her. This is due to Tomoko’s subconscious guilt that she’s dishonouring and replacing her sister by loving someone else the same way. It urges her to throw in fits of conflict and distance between them to try to prevent them getting that close. Where Shiko and Miu’s measured approaches balance her out, Akane is similarly action-oriented and reckless, if more pragmatic and brutal, and they get up to a lot of chaos together.

Phantom Pain Form

Raw Nerve. Her whole eyes glow blue and so do the nerves nearest to her skin. Lightning surges through her from her heart outward, disintegrating her glasses, helmet except the chain, and clothes and replacing them with the grey T-shirt, blue shorts and purple socks she was wearing when she passed away in her hospital bed. The chain extends and stiffens slightly to be a whole loop encircling her head. Her hair spikes grow into long locks branching in all directions that resemble the dendrites of a neuron and link to the inside of a cerebral cortex-shaped construct of crackling electricity surrounding and above Tomoko’s head, her body representing its brainstem. The wheels from her destroyed boots float horizontally around her waist and channel and direct lightning bolts.

In stark contrast to Tomoko, Raw Nerve is joyless, quiet, blunt and coldly, ruthlessly logical and she usually hovers in place or moves so fast she practically appears to teleport. She attacks purely remotely with lighting strikes and blasts (no longer needing her catapult) rather than also incorporating hit-and-run tactics like Tomoko. She’s so emotionally overwhelmed inside that she externally shuts down. Part of the personality shift is also wanting to be mature, since Raw Nerve is the embodiment of her unhealthy response to her fear of being weak and useless. When she does express emotion, she quickly gets distraught and risks zapping everything and everyone in the vicinity, friends included.