#trucker wizards

[dragonraptyr]

I remembered an old GF AU where Dipper and Mabel were young magic users learning from their Grunkle. With the recent renaissance, I thought of a possible prequel/spinoff where Stan learns magic from a trucker wizard who has an undead raccoon named Street Pizza as a pet.

Why Stan and not Ford? "Magic isn't about brains. It's a scam, a con. You pull one over on reality, and if it tries to object you punch it in the gut and steal its wallet."

The Menagerie of the Transmundane was, contrary to its fanciful name, a one-room building and an outhouse three miles off Route 66, and thirty miles from civilization.

Stan parked the rickety old truck that he'd...acquired... back in Louisiana in the gravel lot, and grabbed the box from the back. Pushing the door open, he looked around. "Hello?" He called. " I'm here for the newspaper ad about the job?"

He looked around. Noon and the joint was empty. With a shrug, Stan turned to go wait in the truck. Maybe he could fix the air.

Before he could reach the door, a loud bang and a puff of smoke filled the small room.

"Sorry 'bout that." A thick drawl said. "Security system's actin' up. Took me a minnit to notice ya."

Stan glared, relaxing from his stance. "Hey, watch it with the hokey smoke bomb trick, bub. Some of us still need to breathe over here."

The smoke cleared, revealing an overweight man in a stained shirt and pants. He scratched his beard for a moment. "Yeah, yeah. Keep yor hose on. You said a job?"

Stan nodded, pulling out the flyer. It was stained, crumpled, and looked to be covered in old cheese, but it was still legible.

"Assistant wanted" it read. "Apply at the Menagerie of the Transmundane. No experience neccessary."

The man took it. "Yep. That's my ad, alright. Surprised you found it though."

"It was in the newspaper! And my burger!" Stan replied. Kinda hard to miss."

"That explains the cheese." The man passed the flyer back. Anywho, you're hired. Name's Bud Gunn."

"Wait, just like that?" Stan asked. "Not that I'm complaining, but isn't there supposed to be an interview, or something?" He paused. "Also, is this place busier on weekends or something? Why'd you need an assistant for this dump?"

Bud rolled his eyes. "The flyer was the interview. Besides, it said 'no experience nessessary'. And I don't need an assistant for this place. This is just for the saps."

"Then what is the job?" Stan asked, intrigued. "Drugs? Trafficking stolen goods? Armed Robbery?"

Bud laughed, and flicked a lightswitch. With a creak, a trapdoor behind the cash register slid open, exposing a dark stairwell. "Nope. Magic."

[gavamont]

[gravy-killerz]

I wish someone could explain to me why my type is mean looking, ugly, fucked up men.

[megabuild]

Why do u hate xisuma 👀 (I love gossip)

it literally amazes me every time i mention not liking x i get asks from people saying oh what did he do like are me and a handful of my oomfs just unfortunate enough to be under a wizards curse that lets us see the dreaded Xisumasays channel like are all of his videos and stream clips where he goes "well i'm not racist but i do fink we should listen to the alt right some toimes" under some candle cove type shit where if i google them right now i won't be able to find clips of him saying he voted for brexit or sympathised with the canadian ""freedom"" truckers because they were all some beautiful nightmare inflicted only upon a choice few bloggers. because if that's the case and i dreamed all of that i hate him because i hate all english people

[beastwithteeththehorse]

game where you are a wizard trucker and must protect your haul

[ckret2]

I assume it's extremely back burner, but has any of the information in BoB given you thoughts for how the Ford Trucker AU would go once Bill is introduced?

I was sort of on the fence about whether Bill would actually try to manipulate Ford into helping him at all in this AU, or if he'd go "eh, this Ford's not useful to me without a pile of PhDs, I'll focus on the parallel universes where the nerd can help me more and maybe just visit this dimension for fun when I have a break."

Thanks to TBOB, we know that there's a much broader range of expertise levels Bill's willing to pursue to try to get a portal—he doesn't JUST focus on scientific geniuses; he'll go after wizards, priests, rich businessmen, dumb muscle, military bases, musicians, crocheters... so now I'm tilted more toward "yeah, he'd find some way for a long haul trucker with an enormous-but-understimulated brain to help him make a portal."

I'd thought that if they made a bargain, it might be to help Ford work more—he can drive 24/7 if Bill's Bord-ing him and if he figures out a way around the laws made to prevent that—but now we know Bill could also help by directly affection Ford's physiology (like, improve his alertness when he gets weary).

That's all that immediately comes to mind, although I'm sure if I brainstorm more on the Trucker Ford AU details from TBOB will naturally work in.

[critrolestats]

Media References and Puns of 3-076 A Gathering of Heroes

Thanks to @floweroflaurelin for this art piece!

Media References

(0:00:06) Liam: sings “Concerning Hobbits”

(0:04:08) Matt: I’m pretty sure Stauf’s mansion is a little more involved.

(0:05:45) Laura: Dom’s voice is very low… (Dominic Monaghan)

(0:05:56) Ashley: Hey, give me some Old Toby!

(0:08:55) Liam: Bread makes you fat? (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World)

(0:09:14) Matt: I’m dressed as Hagrid.  You’re a wizard, Frodo!

(0:09:59) Travis: Scottie.  Sam: Pippin. (Scottie Pippin)

(0:10:03) Liam: I’m Mickey Dolenz from The Monkees.

(0:10:11) Sam: Gangnam Style? (PSY)

(0:10:22) Sam: Pippin-- (sighs)  Travis: Longstocking. (Pippi Longstocking)

(0:10:43) Liam: And you’re Ice Road Truckers, right?

(0:17:48) Liam: (like Gollum) It burns, it burns!

(0:18:42) Liam: (like Gimli) My axe!

(0:21:20) Travis: Only I can hide from my destiny. (Lord of the Rings)

(0:21:36) Sam: He’s a Plane Strider.

(0:21:37) Travis: singing Sail away, sail away. (“Orinoco Flow” by Enya)

Read more at critrolestats.com

[ratazom]

Wizard trucker. Motherfucker. Sour orb makes my eyeballs pucker.

[skelegun]

One thing I love about live action scifi/fantasy movies is seeing a serious actor you recognize from some dramatic role, but now they are dressed as a goofy wizard or space trucker and talking about crystals

[limerental]

limerental's themed self-rec lists

read my old fics, you cowards! these are majority witcher fics, because i have an illness.

silly goofy modern au

how long we were fool'd - jaskier/yennefer(&geralt)

married neighbors yennskier, suburban dad!geralt, modern witchers, little kid ciri, aroace geralt, relationship misunderstandings, borzoi roach, supernatural mystery, some canon-typical violence, found family nonsense, and my own clairvoyance in writing yennskier husband-wife but it was spring 2020

(don't) poke the sleeping dragon - jaskier/yennefer/geralt

a retelling of bottled appetites but it's a nerdy fantasy music festival, copious drug use, yennefer's sick wizard van, unicorn edibles, golden dragon dildos, outdoor sex, geralt getting pegged and double penetrated, a dialogue only threesome, accidental yearning old friend geraskier tenderness, and someone once told me they wouldn't read this fic because yen had her tits out in the summary and i will always remember that criticism for the rest of my life

as if you were a mythical thing - yennefer/geralt

old married couple, dom/sub dynamics, sex unicorn mention, geralt is very vanilla but loves his kinky wife, and he's too autistic about horses not to ruin ponyplay with horse facts

this one might hurt

long on the road & how light carries on - geralt/jaskier (eventual geralt/regis in the sequel, plus many platonic relationships)

the 80s trucker/hitchhiker au that got away from me, vietnam vet trucker geralt, aging hippie musician jaskier, AIDS crisis, terminal illnesses, dealing with mortality, falling in love, road tripping, copious american geography, period-typical queer community issues, and then... life after loss, aging, grief and mourning, queer and traumatized family dynamics both found and otherwise, finding love again, and watching the sun set on a life well lived

in dark and twisted braids - fringilla &/ yennefer

aretuza school days slumber parties, girlhood crushes, pining, unrequited love, i shook a sorceress and intergenerational trauma fell out, the inherent adolescent horror of making lasting decisions about your future when you are barely 18 but even worse because there's war and violence and permanent alterations to your body and forced sterilization and your little schoolgirl crush on someone you thought was a friend ends in betrayal and bloodshed and you end up on opposite sides of the war and she never even looked your way or thought about you and--

then send down the storm - aiden/lambert, lambert/geralt(/yennefer)

witcher roadtripping, just guys being dudes, horse stuff, winter at kaer morhen polyamory but different, ~trauma~, the mortifying ordeal of accepting you deserve more from life and also of being known, but it's too late (or is it?), grief and mourning and loss and love that was worth its loss, and also, the character death(s) are largely temporary.

aw that just ain't right :/

the witch in her tower - eskel/yennefer(/geralt)

dark fic, fairytale elements, hurt no comfort (mind the tags), morally dubious heartbroken yennefer, pining and years of yearning for geralt eskel, unrequited love, non-consensual mind control during sex, flashbacks to messed up witcher child abuse and violence and cruelty, the inherent horror of mutated and manipulated little boys becoming men who think they can't or shouldn't love paralleled with the inherent horror of enchanted and manipulated little girls becoming women who-- you get it.

the flesh calmly going cold - geralt/jaskier

this one's gross for real, a hunt gone wrong, hurt NO comfort, major character death and it's gross and tragic, gore, necrophilia, organs lovingly described (and jizzed on), basically it's just like that scene in twn where filavandrel exploded but if francesca humped his goo after. sorry.

blood of the covenant (water of the womb) - geralt/&renfri, geralt/stregobor

supernatural pregnancy body horror as revenge, ......pregobor, black sun princess trauma and curses, apocalyptic monster fetus imagery, it's about women and violence against women and evil men suffering for inflicting that violence mostly, and also the evils of standing by and watching evil happen. also, yes stregobor is magical yucky bella swan pregnant and then bad stuff happens to everybody.

[batrachised]

Your turn to gush about Star Wars! What do you love? Who are your favorite characters? Do you have a favorite era?

Favorite character? Where do I even BEGIN?

It's funny because I completely recognize that Star Wars came up with interesting worlds and uniquely creative concepts and that Disney somewhat continues that effort - Jedi Knights are rad, the Force is fascinating (if nebulous), the idea of a rebellion fighting an Empire compelling - but to me what's interesting is that (1) Luke Skywalker is Vader's son and (2) Luke saves Vader. Star Wars could have been about long haul truckers for all I cared about the other aspects of the story. I like them; they make it all the stronger; but to me, those two points are Star Wars magic sauce and what distinguishes it from other sci-fi action shows.

As far as fav characters, to self-plagiarize a little, it's my man himself, Uncle D (as that one long-lost legends character would say). I love Darth Vader to a point that is probably concerning. Haven't we all been tempted to snap an incompetent coworker's neck? (okay, okay, maybe that's going a little far). He's the most powerful person ever except when it comes to emotional boundaries or boundaries in general. He's capable of leveling planets but he's not capable of having a normal conversation with someone. The comedic potential is endless. The tragedy is depthless. You can make him ridiculous. You can make him terrifying. You can make him twisted. You can make him too honest. All of these characterizations are true to who he is yet somehow don't contradict. I think almost every star wars fanfic i've ever written (and I've written over 357k words of sw fanfic) has him in it in some way shape or form. He's one of the most iconic figures in cinematic history for a reason.

My favorite eras are shrinking more and more as retconning keeps pulling the rug out from under the fandom's feet, but I'll go with the OT and TCW. i also am increasingly wistful for the time of Legends - sure, half those stories were weird as hell, but it was in a knobbily charming way versus the slick blandness that characterizes a lot of media today. Also, I loved the legends grandkids so much, especially Ben Skywalker. He and Anakin Solo are two characters that I really wish had more of a fandom presence.

I think as i get older, what interests me about star wars are the people behind the scenes. I love thinking about what it must be like to be the maintenance man for Vader's med-droids, or Palpatine's tax accountant, or an intern for the Empire. It must be ridiculous to have to live in a universe run by murderous space wizards that switch out the government as often as changing a pair of socks. Imagine having to change all the forms from saying "Galactic Republic" to "Empire" (what, I'm really fun at parties). They're ideas I love kicking around my brain a lot!

[anonymous-character-tournament]

Round 1, Match 54

Character ba:

Trucker

Butch dyke

Builds a death ray

Engineer

Runs a drug ring

Character ed:

On probation for wizard crimes

Comes up with improbable murder theories

Pretends to be able to talk to goats

Hates cops

Uses words like “exactamundo”

Want to know more? Go to this post for Character ba and to this post for Character ed and peruse the notes.

[asskylosaurus]

Winning an epic fortnite battle royale while wizard high makes me feel like the demon trucker pizza delivery girl I'm playing as.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 61-69

the existence of Colonel Sassacre is 1 of the more bizarre parts of early Homestuck. I guess 1 day Hussie really wanted to do a riff on Mark Twain of all people, except he’s some prankster god with a wizard hat.

yeah I don’t get Hussie’s thought processes a lot of times.

the text itself is kinda amusing, old English fuckery about japing people with “The Creepy-Crawlies” because you just really hate your aunt or some “gent” who-

wait what does that say?

listless- OH! that’s a slur! hi everybody!

Did You Know? Homestuck Has Slurs.

the uh... “discourse”???? around slurs in Homestuck sure is something because people like to fight tooth and nail for their existence in the comic, but in a way that is simply... odd.

most of these shitfests about derogatory language in media involve people who publicly advertise how fucking Cool they are because they Like Things That Are Offensive complaining about how the Liberal SJW Snowflake Democrat Tumblrite Triggered Buzzword Buzzwords are mad at words so they will Cancel Culture the media and they should something something Grow A Spine Man Up Go To The Real World something something.

but in Homestuck’s case you’ll have fans who really want to defend the slur usage as some sort of fight to preserve the work. the discussion of how Homestuck is preserved is a good one, but like

the slurs????

what are you losing with the slurs????????

sure, the language, much like anything else in the comic, is a part of this period piece the work exists as, a very much at the time sort of thing. it’s the late 2000s, Hussie hangs out in forums with edgelords, they’re also Some White Guy who grew up in The Slurs Part of America.

Homestuck Made This World actually goes into this pretty well:

Michael: Old internet history, there's a lot of bad and offensive stuff in there, and some of that comes through into the comic.

CMRN: It was mainstream humor, that's what's kinda weird about it, and that's something that's easy to forget now, right? Y'know there was a popular film in the early 2000s where Johnny Knoxville cons his way into the Special Olympics, and every prank TV show from Jackass to The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, everyone remembers that, people get into X, to uh-  Gosh, what was the Ashton Kutcher one?

Michael: Uh, Punk'd.

CMRN: Uh, yeah, trucker hat, you're right. And that, right? So there was this kind of like general, just like, extremely virulent anti-disability, you know anti-disabled people, element to humor, which I don't really know that was such a prominent thing. Maybe it was at the point where, you know for example, certain forms of race based humor just didn't play anymore, so mainstream comedy had to find a place where it was acceptable to, you know, hate certain people essentially? I don't quite know one or another, but I actually associate Hussie quite often, of course the R-word was used constantly and regularly by basically everyone, I mean it was a huge kind of corner stone of both internet and real world meatspace culture. But for whatever reason, I have this, in mind, Hussie relationship to particularly that form of humor.

Michael: We are going to see what happens when the internet specifically drifts away from this, or not even drifts away, that's putting it too softly. Internet culture, sort of fan culture, is going to pivot away from that type of humor pretty hard. And we can so those tensions bubble up into the comic when we get to those points. Cause of course, you mention, you know, the R-word, it's used, not liberally, but regularly I think throughout kind of the opening acts of Homestuck. And it's one of those things that really jumps out to me looking back, because it did not jump out at me in 2008-2009, right?

CMRN: Yeah.

Michael: Like, I am not free from this, I was never like, y'know, above all of this. I too am a product of culture, and it is bizarre to kind of go back and notice things like that and be like "Oh yeah, we were just like, dropping that, and that was kind of messed up!"

CMRN: Yeah, I think one thing that is important is to even have like a short historical kind of memory about this kind of thing, because yeah, like I was just saying. The R-word and making fun of people with intellectual disabilities, just broadly, was a corner stone of comedy, I would say that maybe one third of jokes, period, from stand up to- I mean, this is obviously a little bit of hyperbole, it's not straight up a third, but if you look at sketch comedy from the time, from its mainstream to whatever obscure, you're gonna find a huge amount of that, that's a massive part of it. And it was just part of our comedy culture, I mean, that's a historical reality, and it's a historical reality that we live through. And I guess the beneficial thing, or the good thing, obviously there is no good thing about doing that, but the good thing of living in the moment that we do now, is that we seem to have, as a culture, completely gotten rid of that, or at least in parts of culture who were not interested in just trolling other people and purposefully offending other people. I think for the most part everyone, or people were in involved in cultural production have realized "Yeah that was- that was pretty bad. Like, why are we engaging in that." And that's heartening. But yeah, it was just a part of it. And I agree, while reading this kind of section that we read for episode one, it really sticks out when it shows up. But also, if you're reading Homestuck and you're like "Ah, that's kind of a bummer that that's showing up." Or "That's awful that that's showing up." The way it's just peppered in and used normally in conversation is the way it was used in 2008-2009 by many many people, obviously not everyone, obviously some people realized how bad that was, but I would say the majority of conversation. Certainly the people I went to high school with, and even when I was in college was when this was kind of moving out, and certainly when I got to college is when I was like "Oh, this, you shouldn't say this. This is bad."

but many arguments about how humor and language was back in that context is often used to absolve Hussie from any sort of blame. they didn’t mean to do it, it just seemed fun! what’s a little slur usage between online besties? however, you see, not everyone who lived in the 2000s was a massive bigot and/or liked dropping slurs. I can tell you that because I was there and I was not racist, actually. at the same time as 4chan and Something Awful users were spewing whatever you could find in the depths of the Wikipedia page for every racial slur in existence, you’d have high school to college campaigns, TV PSAs, informative pamphlets, and whatnot yelling in your face that you should probably not say slurs because slurs are kind of bad. it was “acceptable” in some areas to throw around an r-word, but there was certainly a pushback.

it’s not even like Hussie just suddenly stopped using these words afterwards, because they gladly repeat the r-word a million different times in a paragraph of commentary for Act 2 in its Topatoco book print, which was published in 2012.

I'd paste the entire thing word for word but:

I am not really comfortable considering how bad this gets.

it’d be easier to have the original panel itself for context.

so here’s a screencap instead:

bare in mind this was kept for the reprint by Viz Media in Book 1.

in other words, no, Hussie was not an innocent victim of the Big Internet Hivemind that decided that people should say slurs as a form of greeting, they were a human being who made a conscious choice to add these words to their work.

they don’t add anything, they’re only in the comic because that’s how Hussie spoke at the time and for some reason they couldn’t keep them out of their mouth.

and I’m serious on that last bit because some are thrown around from Rose and in the narration of Jade’s perspective and... no... they wouldn’t say that.

the goth girl who tries her hardest to look highbrow and the ray of sunshine herself would never utter such foul language that’s literally just Hussie speaking through them.

Dave would totally though he’s just that kind of guy.

on the other side of the coin I’ve seen fans recommend new readers to download the Homestuck Slur Replacement Project mod to make the experience more comfortable, that’s good.

but also a lot of them act like it’s just the slurs that make the comic a hard sell in terms of controversy, and

buddy,

there’s still a lot of fucking weird shit. the entire work is not suddenly completely accessible because you get rid of a bunch of r-words and an f-word. we’ve all seen the fucking content warnings people make for new readers, this comic is fucked.

what is a new reader gonna think when they go through the comic thinking nothing worse than some slurs will pop up and then this guy makes a grand fucking entrance.

yes I am singling Kankri out, fuck him.

but then, flipping back to the side I was originally talking about, I’ve seen those who decide that mods such as the Slur Replacement Project are cardinal fucking sins against Homestuck itself. and

why???

what does it matter that someone’s personal copy of Homestuck is slightly edited???

again, really interesting stuff could be discussed about how Homestuck was being consumed at the time and how it should be consumed now, but this is just petty.

basically in summary uhhh this video:

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[lilietsblog]

Tagged by @gellavonhamster ^^

Last song: "Та, що танцює з вітром” (She Who Dances With The Wind) as sung by some volunteers and sent me by my friend who’s one of them! I don’t actually um. know or listen to this song? i dont dislike it i just. havent been doing music a lot lately. but it was on my desktop named whatever Viber names its files and I was like “wtf is this” and listened to the whole thing so it counts ^^

Last show/currently watching: uhhhhh. Little Demon I guess. haven’t been doing a lot of watching either, but I have a tab for that one optimistcally open, so. It counts.

Currently reading: oh boy my royalroad follow list is. long. and that’s not even all i’m reading. Anyway let’s fucking go - Practical Guide To Evil re-release on Yonder - Pale Lights by the same author - Summus Proelium on ceruleanscrawling.wordpress.com - Pale by wildbow - (now for the royalroad stuff) Quill and Still - Battle Trucker - I Will Touch The Skies - Dungeon Tour Guide - The Type Specialist - When Imortal Ascension Fails Time Travel To Try Again - The Path Of Ascension - Cheep - Edge Cases - Reincarnated into a Time-Loop Dungeon as a LVL100 Catgirl Chef! - Fated to Fall - The Level Zero Hero - Millenial Mage - Stray Cat Strut - This Used To Be About Dungeons - Demesne - Apocalypse Parenting - The Girl with the Fishbowl Head - Nowhere Stars - The Hedge Wizard - Trace - Borne of Caution - Ar'Kendrithyst - The Heart Grows - Double-Blind - Singer Sailor Merchant Mage - System Error - Delve - Azarinth Healer - Fantasia - Beware of Chicken - Doing God’s Work - Borne of Caution - RE: Trailer Trash - Villager Three - Tower of Somnus - Pokemon Trainer Vicky - Accidentally A Shrine Priestess ...ok I’m dipping into some serious optimism about what I’m “reading in an ongoing way” vs what is solidly on indefinite hiatus, let’s cut off archeology at this point... still, this is after filtering for stuff I actually respect >.> the list of webcomics I follow should be shorter, being as how I don’t have a centralized follow page for them so it’s just what I remember to check - Dumbing of Age - Questionable Content - El Goonish Shive - Freefall - Selkie - Sister Claire - Ava’s Demon - Girl Genius ...yeah, that’s Normal

Current obsession: I’m actually sortaaa inbetween? and not in a nice way? PGTE is serving as a decent placeholder though

Tagging @theothin, @triviallytrue, @seguun, @auraphantom, @vaspider, @fipindustries, @yd12k, @normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke, @wumblr, @gwennafran, @void-of-many-colours, @wardencommanderrodimiss, @rizaoftheowls, @st-just, @nonasuch, @nonanalogue, @hellmasterphibrizo, @the-goblin-cat, @charlesoberonn, @bookhobbit, @luvbloggingandreblogging, @zenosanalytic, @dahniwitchoflight

went on a trawl through my “following” list for this one. i know a normal amount of people on this website. anyway i love yall and hope as many of you answer this as possible ^^