#triggeredlove

[phantom-ghost-girl]

You won't know what I mean, till you've walked in my shoes.

He was my friend, my shoulder to cry on, my go to for a hug when I had a bad day, he was the person I trusted, he was my first kiss, he was always at the other end of the phone, he was my comfort, he was the first person outside my family to make me feel beautiful, he was my brother's friend, he was my friends friend.

He was alot of things, now he is only one.

He IS the man that assaulted me and that is what he will forever be.

After seven years, all the cells in your skin renew, that means that scientifily come September 28th of this year, I will have skin that he never touched, and on a small scale that makes me happy, to know I will have lips he never kisses, skin he never bruised.

But why doesn't that feel enough?

Because I can never get back my first kiss, I can never forget the smell of his aftershave, I can never unfeel his touch, or forget the sound of his voice.

My skin may not remember but my mind will, always.

And that is what keeps me awake at night.

It's been seven years and I still fear him, seven years of nightmares, seven years of getting sickened by the smell of a certain aftershave, seven years of flinching when someone says that name, seven years of blaming myself, seven years of never feeling safe.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

Theres only one way up when you're at zero

It took me a while to realise but now I know;

I've been through some rough shit, alot of tough shit.

and when it was all done I had two options;

I could let it make me or break me. so I chose to do both.

I let my past break me into millions of pieces.

and I made myself back up again after.

I didnt fall victim to it, I didnt want pity or sympathy, I didnt need a hero

I saved myself, I became my own hero, I became the savior of my own story, and that is what I plan to be for myself every day for the rest of my life.

I will be my own hero, I will always save myself

I will always pick myself up when I fall

and I will always fight for myself

I will always be a survivor and no one can take that from me.

I do not need a prince charming or a knight in shining armour

this time,

The Princess Saves Herself

[phantom-ghost-girl]

you were my cup if tea, but I drink vodka now.

before you, I didnt know much, I didnt know anything about love, loyalty, trust, happiness, and heartbreak.

before you, I drank tea, wore pink and loved lace.

now I drink vodka by the bottle, wear black and crave leather.

some people could say you broke me,

I say you made me.

people say the things in life will either make or break you.

because of you, I know who I am now, I know who I've always meant to be, who I can be and who I will be.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

"you'd be pretty if you smiled" OH REALLY?

so someone, I barely knew took it upon themselves to tell me the three things you should never ever tell a girl.

That i would be prettier if i smiled a little more.

I'd be happier if i laughed a little more.

and I'd have all the boys round me, if i tried a little more.

well here's the sitch bitch;

I don't want to smile a little more.

I don't want to laugh a little more.

I don't want to try a little more.

maybe I don't want to be prettier, or happier, or have all the boys. Maybe I like who i am, maybe I like eating my body weight in chocolate, maybe I like wearing clothes that are too big, maybe I like dancing around like no one is watching.

maybe I am happier, just not when your around?

maybe it's you who make a me unhappy.

maybe it's only you who sees me as you see me.

I don't care about meeting your definition of perfect, I'm perfect to me!

[phantom-ghost-girl]

the winning game of losing.

As we to through life, we all lose someone, we all lose something,

maybe a personal effect or maybe even a person, and with every personal effect, and every person we lose, we lose a little part of ourselves.

When we lose that piece of us, we find away to build up 3 more pieces.

sometimes in losing, we end up winning, winning at making ourselves better, and getting better.

Our generation has mastered the art of making a winning situation out of a horrible loss.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

he had that devils look in his eyes.

like I said he was 17 I was 14,

I was so infatuated with the idea that a boy wanted to know me, not just any boy, an older boy, and he made me feel like I should be grateful for it, because his attention could of been anywhere else, with anyone else but for some reason,

he wanted to spend his time with me, he wanted to spend his nights with me, and for me, being 14, insecure, feeling lonely,

and never having had a boyfriend girlfriend or any kind of relationship or any kind of kiss before, to me, being who I was, an insecure girl who was being bullied at school, this was the beginning of the romance that only happened in books.

or so I thought.

over the next few weeks, we shared many sweet moments, and many sweet kisses, we laughed, we talked, we walked, be became close, I trusted him, and for those hours each day after school I was with him, I didn't feel so alone, I didn't feel anything other than happy and butterflies, I had given this boy my trust, my secrets, and my first kiss, we sat under the stars and I told him my dreams, and he told me his.

until one night.

when walking, talking, laughing and sweet kisses weren't enough for him, he wanted more, more than what I was ready for, I had just given up my first kiss, I wasn't ready to give up anything else.

now I won't go into the details because I'm sure you dont want to read them and I dont want to share them, lets just say he chose not to hear the word no that night until someone walked by, stopping him before his hands could get any lower.

and he left me there, in the street, in the dark, broken zipper on my Jack's, bruises on my wrists, trousers undone from just before he stopped, and tears streaming down my face.

I was 14, I'm 21 now I still have that nightmare most nights, and because of a time he made me feel less alone, now I'm more alone than ever.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

we're all damaged, we're frightened, we're all freaks but that's alright.

are you free tonight?

let's clear our chest get everything out in the open, let's make a mend, build some bridges let's maybe be friends?

when high school ended, all those petty wars came to an end, but we never resolved anything, we all just disappeared from eachother eyeline, we were eachothers lives for 4 years, locked in the same building 6 hours a day 5 days a week, for 10 months out of a year.

and just like that, when we closed those final exam papers, that was it, a wave and bye bye don't let the door hit you on the way out, and we all disappeared from eachothers mind, and when we pass eachother it's like we never met.

there was maybe 100 people in our year maybe more, and we all knew eachother, at some point we all talked to eachother, we all spent time with eachother, we were bonded for 4 years. now we're strangers.

I guess high school really is just a blip in the books of our lives. the people don't stay with us but the memories do?

we all grew up at the same time, sat the same exams,

we didn't exactly experience the same stuff.

some of us were villains

some of us were heroes

some of us were good

some of us were bad

some of us were saviors

some of us were lost causes.

but i guess now, 5 years on, the only difference is just who is telling you the story, all I know is

we are all damaged, we were all frightened, at one point we were all freaks.

but we are all alright.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

I'll find myself back to... well me, I guess

after my ex ditched me for for well, I refuse to even waste brain cells to think of a name to call her.

I felt alone, more than alone, I felt abandoned and lost, and I couldn't go back to her. I suppose my only option was to find my way back go myself.

but could i find my way back to myself?

or could i maybe find a new version of myself? a better version?

I hoped for a better version, I needed a better version of me.

after my nightmare had faded from me, the memories remained but the smell of her, the touch, everything faded, quicker than I thought, maybe I had fallen out of love with her sooner than i knew.

and I found myself back to me sooner than i ever thought I could, a month maybe two, I was happy, and fulfilled, and enjoying life, and my friends,

we were staying up late, we were dreaming our biggest dreams, we were trying different things, we were drinking funny drinks, telling funny stories, and sharing our embarrassing memories, we were teens again, almost like none of had ever known pain heartache or loss.

with the help of my friends, I found my way back to myself. half my old self, and half a new me, a better me.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

the truth about the beauty of your first time

okay okay so let's just jump right in,

everyone has seen in the movies the romantic and beautiful first times? with your one true love, rose's and candles and the perfect music?

well I call bullshit! and I know from experience, yes okay I know that there are some girls out there than plan everything perfectly and it goes like a dream, but for most girls, yours truly included, it's a painful experience, and I'm not just talking physically painful.

so I guess let's start, at the beginning,

so the basics are;

childhood friends

friends through primary school

drifted in high school but still spoke

got close again in 4th year aged 15 (junior year)

so we had been hanging out, and well getting to each others mouths very well, and one day we started getting carried away, so I stopped it and we ended up talking about it and we decided wouldn't it be perfect to lose our virginities to eachother? since we've known and trusted eachother for so long. so we made the date, and when it came I was excited and nervous and everything else.

when we got to his house, everything started as usual, getting to know each others mouths, then things started to get hot, and by this point I was so ready for it. i was ready to no longer be a virgin, and i thought i was prepared for the pain, i wasnt.

tears gathered in my eyes because of the pain of it, I swear with no lie, it lasted all of around a minute while some eminem song played.

it was awkward, it was short, it was weird. and I didnt feel any different after, not like the girls in the movies, it was far from what I expected...

no romance, no sweet kisses, no roses no good music

and I wont say I regret it because I dont.

but the aftermath of it suckkeddddd I became the slut of the high school for having sex with ONE GUY, yet a rumour spread that I spelt with the football team? um please

[phantom-ghost-girl]

Get your porn somewhere else.

He was 17, I was 14,

and no this isn't some forbidden romance, romeo and juliet movie worthy love story.

when the guy I trusted, turned into my nightmare.

I know most people can't sympathise with rape and sexual assault survivors unless they know all the gory details, but please get your porn somewhere else;

and when I make jokes about about my assault I just want to know that you are laughing with me, I can make jokes because it is my nightmare to joke about, they same way they are my bruises to poke at.

but don't worry, I'm a good victim! I won't cry too loud, or demand your attention, or ask for trigger warnings.

because I'll victim, and I'll stay quiet and I'll smile, and I'll carry on with my life like nothing happened, because that's what good victims do right? we stay quiet.

But no dont ask me to give you every detail of what happened, this is not your inspiration for a book or a song or a poem, this is not a story to tell your friends when one of you's get cat called so they understand how bad it can be! I am not your victimised friend for you to look at with sympathy when someone mentions assault or rape!

I am not your kink source!

get your jerk off somewhere else!

I may be a good victim, but I will not be an ignored victim!

[phantom-ghost-girl]

It's all in the lips

His Kiss: he has me at his every whim; everything starts with him. 

To all the boys I used to kiss— everything stops with his.

everything precious starts with the lips:

a kiss

a word

a laugh

a song

a speach

everything we hold dear can be sealed with the lips.

everything will start and end with the lips.

[phantom-ghost-girl]

it's all about the devil you know

I could choose to love you

I could choose to hate you

I could choose to miss you

man,

I could choose to kiss you.

but above all that, above all else i choose to numb you, to numb the thought of you, the touch of you, the kiss of you, I choose to remember to forget you, everyday.