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sophiethewitch1 · 8 months

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What We Want - Chpt. 3 - Dreams And...

In Which A Romantic Breaks The Universe

(Yandere!batboys x f!reader) 18+ MDNI!

SUMMARY

Another lonely birthday, another empty year. You miss your family. You're late for your bills and rent, and even then, you got robbed last Tuesday.

Still, you buy yourself a cupcake, because you need it. I mean, hey. What's dessert for if not to get over cheating boyfriends and dead relatives?

As you blow out the candle, watching the clock switch from 11:59 pm to midnight of the next day, you make a wish.

And because the world doesn't like to make much sense, it comes true. Your life is suddenly flipped on a dime, and you're stuck trying to catch up with it. Fantasy becomes reality. You're a Wayne now, apparently. Or you used to be. You're loved, you're rich, you're talented and powerful.

Well, sort of. Careful what you wish for, right?

(TRIGGER WARNINGS AND MASTERLIST HERE) - PLEASE REMEMBER TO CHECK, THIS CHAPTER IS DARKER IN TONE!

PREV - NEXT

Your hands are pruned. It’s quiet in the extravagant bathroom, other than the sound of the tap’s running water and your own shaky breathing. This was all a bit much. Your hands are more than clean now, but you absolutely do not want to go back out there.

You kind of just want to go back into one of the stalls and cry. A core girlhood experience, except you were an adult with a job and taxes. Or, you were. You think you’re some rich scion or something in this dream. Which like, cool, who wants to slave under capitalism anyways?

…You wonder if anyone would notice if you slipped out the window. You’d been gone for a while and nobody had come looking for you, since you’d totally gotten lost trying to find the bathroom. Sure, you were on the third floor, but at this point you were willing to risk it. Even if you couldn’t walk in a straight line right now, much less climb the trellises. For some reason, you could not handle your liquor today like you usually could. But once again, this was all just a very vivid dream, so it wasn’t like you could die.

To punctuate that thought, you hear someone scream.

It cuts off instantly, and then there’s quiet again. You pause, then turn off the tap, listening for any more sound. Drip, drip, drip… you press the tap down again and properly turn it off. Still no noise. Immediately, you realise you are standing directly in a horror film. You live in Gotham for fuck’s sake. It wasn’t an unlikely occurrence. You’d gotten mugged just a few days ago.

And you were alone in the bathrooms. So unbelievably drunk, and alone in the bathrooms. You were actually so dead, it was crazy. A dream, a dream…!

Your head bows, staring into the white porcelain of the sink as you focus hard on your hearing. You don’t think you could hear the party before, but you’re not sure. It’s definitely not there now. You swallow the dry pain in your throat, trying to summon a modicum of courage. Your vision spins.

You slap your wet hands to your face and then blink through your fingers. God. Okay, okay, okay. You can do this. You survived a mugging just last week with only minimal bruising. To convince yourself of your badassery, you dig your fingers into the blemishes, hoping to wake yourself up with the pain. It’s a bad habit but you have lots of those.

…Where’s the pain? Oh god, where’s the pain? Wait, don’t panic, it’s a dream! Of course, you wouldn’t have your bruises in a dream. That made total sense. And you definitely weren’t panicking.

You splash more water on your face. Time to face the music, you drunken moron. If you were going to be in a horror movie, you’d be the final girl of all final girls.

One hand on the sink, you take your heels off. They’re going to get in the way, and the sound of them clicking against the marble will give away your location. Massaging your sore ankles, you try and come up with a game plan. You don’t know what’s going on, and it really could all just be a false alarm, but better safe than sorry and all that. It’s a gala full of some of the richest people on earth, and you’re pretty sure you saw a swat team of security guards at the entrance.

So this was probably a hostage situation or a villain attack. You’d hear more noise if it was a supervillain fighting a superhero downstairs. Then you’ll bet on a hostage situation for now. Depending on who had taken you all hostage, that could be a totally fine situation where you all just end up leaving with lighter purses, or it could be the Scarecrow’s shown up and he’s about to mentally traumatise you. Like you needed any more of that.

Of course, this was all probably still a dream. Maybe if you say it enough times you’ll actually believe it. You’ll just plan ahead in case this is real (which it definitely isn’t). Plus you’d proven you could feel pain in this dream anyway, with all the times you’d slapped yourself. You hoped the fucking Tim Drake didn’t think you were too weird. Because he definitely thought you were weird.

It’s cool. You’re cool. You could handle this. You were a Gotham native after all. Totally cool. You have to force yourself not to gag on your own fear. Totally, absolutely, terrifically cool.

A few deep, calming breaths later, and you’re cracking the door of the lavatory open just an inch. You peer through the crevice, taking another deep breath when you don’t see anyone in the hallway. You push the door open a bit wider, peek your head around it to look the other way. Still empty. Another deep breath, you feel your chest rise and fall, and then you take the first step out onto the wooden floors. You wince at the slight noise the bare sole of your foot makes and hurry over to the long Persian rug to snuffle any more sounds.

And then you’re standing in the middle of the hallway in your ballgown, head swivelling back and forth as you try and catch any minuscule sounds, shoulders bunched up to your ears.

The first thing you need to check is the exits. Since you are on the third floor, and the banquet was on the first, you can assume that they’re well-guarded, but probably far away from you. Still, this is the Wayne Enterprises Tower, and there wasn’t just the party happening tonight. It was mostly empty as you’d seen but there’d been a few people you’d wandered past. They’d all seemed like late-night office workers, and the female janitor you’d bumped into was the one who had told you where the toilet was.

Was the janitor okay? Was that her scream you’d heard? Concentrate, dumbass. On airplanes, they tell you to put your mask on first before you do it for anyone else. The idea was the same here. Save yourself before you can hope to save anyone else.

That was… that was if you even needed saving. This could all still just be your own paranoia. Someone hit their knee on a ridiculously fancy side table or something. Like that scream wasn’t of pure terror. Like it didn’t sound like someone on death’s door.

Concentrate! Okay, check the stairs first. Don’t take the elevator, because you’re not an idiot. Maybe. Hopefully. Slowly but surely you creep your way back towards the entrance to the third level, where both the elevator and the stairs were. There was a map, too. You hadn’t been able to figure it out earlier, but you had a bit more incentive this time.

You make sure to place your feet carefully, aiming for the carpets and rugs. Even if your drunken steps miss half the time, you’re still mostly quiet. Every time you have to walk across a crossing you spend a minute listening, and then peer around every corner too. You’re not sure if you should be running, or if you really should try one of the windows.

Deep breaths. Keep moving. That’s the best course of action. Don’t get caught, but don’t just hide either.

It’s when you’re almost at the third-floor foyer when you hear something. There’s a crash, the sound of something breaking. No voices, though. Still, you can’t convince your body to move for a full minute. There’s a part of you that wants to go hide in an abandoned cubicle and wait, but there’s another part of you that is very aware of the rates of fires in this city. You keep going, taking a longer route to avoid the source of the crashing.

Another noise. A scream. Laughter. Spine-chilling laughter.

Shit, motherfucker. Why the hell did you get smashed at a fucking Wayne gala? Everybody knew the rogues of this city were totally obsessively in love with Bruce Wayne. Especially your own personal worst nightmare. You don’t dare even think his name, lest you summon the bastard.

Was he in Arkham right now? He should be. Like you should be at home in the Narrows getting a good night’s rest. Like you should be wearing dorky Flash pyjamas, not a dress more expensive than your rent.

He should be. It’s not nearly enough.

You realise, suddenly, that you have to make a choice here. You can walk away, pretend you didn’t hear anything, that you can’t hear anything. A woman’s cries, you think. You could leave her, save yourself. Hideaway and let whatever fate she’s facing befall her. Could you do that? Could you even stomach the idea?

In the end, the universe makes the decision for you.

“And who do we have here? What’s a pretty little thing like you doing wandering around?”

You hear your doom in his slimy voice, even though you didn’t hear him sneak up on you. Shaking, you raise your hands into the air, and slowly turn around. You see your doom in the twisted clown mask’s grin. For a second you think it’s really him, but then you notice his dark brown hair and the tanned skin under the mask. God, god, god. It’s a Joker goon. Your literal worst nightmare, given flesh. Is he here? No, no, no- You swallow down the urge to scream, to run, and do your best to keep thinking like a person and not a prey animal.

You feel like one. You think he knows that. You hope he doesn’t.

“Hey Travis, I found another one!” the man calls out, raising his gun to point at you. He jerks it, moving forward, and you turn back around obediently. The gun presses against the back of your head, and you move forward, obediently.

“Shithead, don’t say my name out loud!” another voice replies. You get to see its owner when you come around the corner and find the foyer.

There are five other people here, all tied up. Four seem to be exhausted office worker bees, who just stayed too late on the wrong day, and the last is the janitor who helped you. The kind lady gives you terrified eyes, but she’s the only one not crying among the hostages.

“Man, you worry too much. Like there aren’t hundreds of Travis’s in the city.”

“Just shut up, my god! If we leak info and it gets traced back to us, he’s docking our pay.”

Who’s he? Who’s fucking he?! He can’t be here, right? He fucking can’t be. You can’t, you can’t. God, you're going to vomit right here and now.

“Whatever. Anyway, this is the last person on this floor.”

“Check the feed again, dickhead,” the second one commands, obviously the leader between the two.

The one who caught you groans, and then you hear the sound of fabric shuffling. Is he looking at his phone? You wish you could turn around and look. You don’t dare with the barrel against you.

Your teeth dig into the side of your mouth. So did they have the security feeds? That meant you were doomed from the start. The only other option would’ve been to actually jump out one of the windows. They would’ve probably found you anyway. Hunted you down to meet their quota.

Shit. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. This is looking like a big deal. And everybody knew Joker never left out on his big deal jobs, he enjoyed them too much. He’s probably downstairs demanding the Batman come meet him and have tea or something. Shit.

All of a sudden these goons seem like the much better end of the deal.

“Checked, checked, double-checked, triple-checked… There’s nobody else here,” the man behind you grumbles, and the one in front of you sighs.

“Alright, alright. Bring her over, I’ll tie her up, and then we can blow this joint,” the man says, and you really, really hope he’s not being serious about blowing this place. You’d had enough of explosions, thank you very much. Especially ones organised by the Joker.

The gun digs harshly into your skull, “Well, go on.”

Swallow, swallow down your fear. Don’t let it stop you. You walk forward to the other man, arms in the air shaking. When you’re in reaching distance, the second goon roughly grabs you and shoves you to your knees. He pushes your hands in front of you, not bothering to tie them behind you. You don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

The rope cuts into your skin. It’s going to leave marks, and bruises. The man finishes tying the knot and then pulls you back to your feet. Then he shoves you towards the elevator and turns to start picking up the other hostages. You turn so your back is toward the wall, not willing to have your eyes off the monsters for even a second.

It’s when he’s pushing one of the office workers towards you, that the second man speaks again.

“Hey, the boss said we had to kill one of ‘em.”

What? What did he say?

“Oh yeah, oops.”

The gunshot goes off before you can process the words. Before you can process the gunshot, the janitor’s body is crumpling to the floor. Before you can process her fall, blood is starting to seep from the wound in her chest. Before you can process any of that, the man behind you laughs.

He laughs. He laughs and laughs and laughs.

The janitor lies on the floor, blood seeping into her hair and uniform. You squeeze your eyes tight, tears slipping over the lids. You refuse to look at the wound. At the gaping hole in her chest. And despite yourself, you know why they shot her, not you. Not any of the workers either.

Because she wasn’t worth the cash.

Yesterday, that would’ve been you on the floor. You were a fake wearing a fancy dress, who didn’t belong here at all. Still, they didn’t know that. You didn’t think anybody knew that. Not anyone but you, who had woken up in a world a little to the left.

“I’ll be down in a minute, Trav. I wanna play with this one for a bit,” the shooter says, and all of a sudden you’re thrown back into your body, into your frail mortality. You’re cold, your spine gives a shiver, and your horrified eyes find the wretched clown mask.

Like you said, your doom. You wish you weren’t right all the time.

“No way. She’s one of the high-profilers, we need her,” his leader replies, and you’re desperate to stick by his side. You didn’t think a Joker goon would be your saviour, but here you were.

“I’ll give you five K of my split,” he offers, not willing to let go of it. Of you.

The other one pauses, glances at you assessingly. There’s a glint of something in his eyes, something that tells you you’re not making it out of here unscathed. It’s something you recognise, something you even recognise inside yourself.

It’s greed. And it’s going to kill you. You always knew it would, you just didn’t think it’d be like this.

“Make it seven,” he finally announces, the deal for your soul made without any fuss or fanfare.

“You’re such a hardass. Fine, fine, seven it is.”

“Alright, and only thirty minutes, tops. Not a hair on her head, you understand me?” he says over his shoulder, waggling a finger at his coworker.

The group leaves through the elevator. It dings, and you watch in mute, stunned horror as the other hostages refuse to meet your gaze. As they abandon you to save their own asses. You couldn’t really blame them, as much as you wanted to. You were ready to do the same earlier.

“I think not even a hair is pushing it, right?” the creep says, finger reaching out for said hair. You jerk back out of his reach, an instinctual flinch. He grins, and lets his hand fall back to his side. You take a shaky step backward.

You’re trembling with fear. With the need to get away from this terror, this situation.

He gestures with his gun, pointing back in the direction of the branching hallways.

“Well, go on. Run.”

And God help you, you do.

Spinning on your heel, you flee to the echoing sound of his laughter. Your feet fall rhythmically against the marble floors, the sound of your bare soles far too loud. You can’t even do anything about it. There’s no option for stealth here, only the sort of hunt you’d expect to find in the woods.

Not here in civilised mankind’s territory. But this was Gotham, and the monsters often looked human.

You dart into a large room filled with tiny square cubicles. A call centre or something, a maze of low walls that are too small to hide behind. You keep going, teeth-gritting when his laughter cuts off. He’s taking this seriously, hunting you down. You think he’s done this before. ‘Played’ with people.

You can’t worry about those other poor victims, lest you become his next one.

Another crash, this time to your left. Your head snaps to the side, eyes wide, but when you look there’s only a broken lamp on the floor. You have to swallow down the urge to cry. He is. He’s playing with you. He’s having fun with it.

You keep running, passing by halls and offices and don’t stop running till you can’t. Out of breath. You’re out of breath. You bend over, the stitch in your side too much for you to stand. Why are you out of breath? You can run more than this. You often run more than this when you’re late for your morning train.

What’s going on? What’s happening to you?

A bang, behind you. You spin around. Don’t see anything.

He’s nearby. Right under your nose. You need to keep running, you have to. Through your panting you hear his laughter again, and that’s enough fear to get you moving again. Maybe you were in Arkham, arms strapped to your side and screams wailing down the halls.

You didn’t believe it. No, not in this moment. Not right now, as you run for your life. If you lived through this, you’d probably go back to thinking it was all a dream or a delusion.

But with that monster nearby, there’s nothing this could be but real. With sweat dripping down your neck, smearing your makeup. With the feeling of your heart beating out of your chest, in your ears. With the blind, all-consuming panic you’re in.

He’s real. And he’s coming for you.

You lift your tied hands and press them to your lips, muffling the sound of your harsh breathing and soft sobs. Heart beating out of your ribcage, you push your body even as it screams for you to stop. You’re flagging. Vision’s swimming, and you can feel bile creeping up your throat. You can’t keep doing this. You need to keep doing this.

For a moment, you stop to catch your breath. And he catches you too.

You scream, tugging at the rough grip on him. He swings you around into a wall, and again, you cry out. Side throbbing with pain, singing with it. Still, you don’t stop. Can’t stop. Not safe, not safe, not safe. You push back against him, and he pushes back against you. Your drunken state is no match, and you tumble down onto the carpet. When he laughs, you look up at him, and he down at you.

The goon’s plastic mask merges with the Joker’s mutilated face, until you can’t tell the difference.

You aren’t the type to fight back. It’s just not instinctual to you. But when you hear his belt buckle clack, your foot kicks out before you can even think. You hit him squarely in the stomach, knocking him backward, and then you scramble away from underneath him.

“You bitch!”

He grabs you by the nape of your neck, yanking you backwards. You choke, hands grasping desperately at the grip around your throat, but he offers no relent. You’ve pissed him off. That doesn’t mean you can stop, can give up. You can’t stop fighting. Can’t stop struggling. Can’t stop, can’t stop, can’t stop-

The gun clicks. You freeze.

“Yeah, figured you’d be more obedient if I did that. Now, get up,” his voice is breathy, from the high of the chase or the hit you delivered, you’re not sure.

You hope it’s the latter. You hope this fucker drops and dies, right on the spot. You’re not that lucky, though.

Ah, your hands are hurting again. Not just the one, but both. Maybe you touched something. An allergic reaction of some sort. It shouldn’t be distracting you, it shouldn’t even be noticeable in the situation you’re in but god. The itchy heat is nearly as unbearable as the evil cretin in front of you.

“You think you’re gonna get away with that? I’m so fucking sick and tired of you whores who think you matter anything. You don’t, and I’m going to help you realise that,” he rants. His eyes are red through the tiny slits in the mask. Angry, dangerous, on the edge.

“Please, look I’m sorry,” you stutter out, stinging hands in the air. You want to run, but you think he’ll shoot if you do.

“You’re lucky I don’t fuck corpses.”

No, that doesn’t sound very lucky at all, actually. No, this seems like maybe it might turn out to be the new worst moment of your life. You don’t think it can get much worse than this, than the next moments that will pass. And it’s too much. It’s too, too much. Your palms are itchy and there’s a gun pointed between your eyes and the goon’s licking his lips and oh my god you’re going to die from an allergy before the bullet and-

And you just want it all to stop. You want it so desperately. You want the man in front of you to disappear, to never exist again, to go right down to hell where he belongs. You just want him gone.

Your hands stop hurting. The burning heat disappears. It’s quiet again. You can’t hear him laughing, the awful slick sound of him licking his lips. You can’t feel the cool iron on your forehead, the heat from his body so close. You can’t smell his sweaty stench. Your eyes open.

…There’s no gun. There’s no man.

You crumple to the ground with a relieved sob. Fisted hands lift to your eyes, as big blubbery tears stream down your face. Your shoulders shake with your cries. Your heart is screaming in your chest, trying to beat out of it. He’s gone, somehow. You’re alive, somehow. You’re not dead with a bullet in your brain, somehow. Somehow, somehow, somehow.

An impossibility. It’s an impossibility, and you’re so goddamn grateful for it.

As always, you don’t give yourself long to cry. Even as your tears still fall, even as you lick them off your mouth, tasting salt and lipstick and fear, you push to your feet shakily. You almost fall over with your hands still tied, shouldering the wall next to you for balance. You don’t have time to cry. No time to process what just happened. You need to get to safety.

You creep back into the main area, heart pounding in your ears, breath hiccuping. You don’t know how long it takes for you to get there. Ten minutes, thirty, maybe even an hour. When you try the staircase door, it doesn’t open. You yank on the handle, grab a chair and try and smash it in, but it stands strong. Fuck. You try the elevator as a last-ditch effort, but the buttons don’t respond.

You press your overheated forehead to the cool metal. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

You turn around and storm back into the cubicle space, find one at the edge of the room with a clear view of all the doors, and tuck yourself under the desk. Pulling your knees to your chest, you resist the urge to rock yourself like a baby.

And you sit there, and you watch, and you wait. It doesn’t matter how many hours pass, you are not moving from this spot. It doesn’t matter how heavy your lids feel, how the adrenaline leaving your body has you sagging.

You’re not going to sleep. It’s not safe, and you’re not dying today. You’re simply not.\

You’re not allowed to.

A hand touches your shoulder, and you snap awake. Your fist slings out at the would-be attacker, but they dodge it smoothly. When you rear up for another, they move back, hands in the air in a show of surrender. Panting, you don’t lower the fist, your vision swimming.

It’s the Joker. But the Joker wouldn’t back up, right? And the Joker isn’t red, he’s green and purple.

It takes a while for the Joker’s pale, laughing face to disappear. But when you blink and he’s gone, you find someone else underneath. A red mask, a man you think you recognise from TV. A vigilante. God, you hated the vigilantes in Gotham.

Not more than the Joker. Not more than him.

The man stays a safe distance away, gloved hands firmly in the air. He’s tall, really tall. Broad-shouldered, scary. But he’s a vigilante, right?

Is he here to save you? Someone should've by now. The bastard's late then.

He says your name, you think. You can’t hear him properly. Wait no, it’s a nickname, one you haven’t heard in years. You could barely remember your mother calling you that as she tucked you in, as she told you she loved you over the phone, as she disappeared from the world entirely.

You hadn’t let anyone call you that since.

How does he know that name? How does this bastard know your name?

“-hurt? Hey, hey. Listen to me, are you hurt anywhere?” his voice is deep and warbled through the red metal mask, his eyes peering down at you through his domino. You just stare at him, eyes wide, barely breathing.

You need to know how he knows. Unconsciously, your hand reaches up to him, and after a moment, he takes it in his own firm grip. It’s awkward, as you’re still sitting half under the desk and he’s trying to stay as far away from you as possible. Still, his hand is warm through the leather, grounding, keeping you from drifting off into panic and fear. Into your worst nightmares come to life.

Because this was real. It didn’t matter that it was impossible, it was real. You simply couldn’t deny it any longer, this was all real.

You stare at this stranger’s gloved hand like it holds the answers to the universe. It might, in the end. It really just might. It wasn’t like the universe was making much sense at the moment.

“She seems fine. Uninjured, if a bit shocked. Doesn’t seem to have a concussion. Hardly responding anyway,” Red Hood speaks, but not to you. An earbud, you think. Superheroes used wiretaps and things like that all the time, right?

If you could even consider Red Hood a superhero. Everybody knew he had his own gang. Of course, even as your very life is being saved, it’s by a morally grey hero who runs around with crowbars and guns. Ah, you’re crying again.

You told yourself a long time ago that you wouldn’t let yourself cry anymore. And you’d managed it, mostly. You think you’ll give yourself a pass for today, just a little one. You hold this stranger’s hand, and you cry.

You just cry. You cry, and you hold the hand of some stranger you hate, because you have to.

MASTERLIST - NEXT

#Series:WWW #yandere batfam #yandere dc #yandere batfamily #yandere x reader #dick grayson x reader #nightwing x reader #jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #tim drake x reader #red robin x reader #damian wayne x reader #robin x reader

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getitoutofmymindwrites · 5 months

Text

The landing | joel miller x f!reader, 13.2k

Summary: You feel him before you see him. He’s still taking up space in your micro-universe. His sole presence creates ripples through the atmosphere as he walks towards you, softly nudging you to turn your head from your spot to look behind you. Or The one where your orbits finally collide for the final showdown.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, NO SPOILER (read A/N), ANGST, cheater!joel, discussions of infidelity, mention of food consumption, yelling, crying, the briefest mention of smut thoughts, sprinkle of fluff (blink and you'll miss it), as always let me know if I missed anything 👀

A/N: Ok, *deep breath* I know I can't make everyone happy unless I write alternate endings 😅 and I understand that infidelity can be a very triggering concept. I gave them the ending I felt they both deserved, but if you're looking for a story where they are at each other's throats for 13k words, maybe this is not for you and you are more than welcome to kindly move on. I won't spoil the ending in the Warnings, so proceed with caution, you know what the main theme is all about. All I can tell you is that this part of the story is divided into two main scenes because I didn't want to drag it out with one little scene after another. *she says after spilling 13k words🙄sorry about that👀* As always, I would love to read your thoughts on the last part and please keep in mind that writing is almost always self-indulgent.

P.S. I want to thank each and every one of you for the love I received for this mini-series, I never thought it would engage so many people. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You've all been so kind and sweet to me, so this journey filled my heart with joy! I love you all, take care of yourselves and I'll see you -hopefully- in the comments! Oh! My asks are always open if you want to know more about their story. I could even write drabbles or one-shots about anything you'd like to know in particular. Ily, bye 😘

P.S. I deliberately left the last two lines without clarification of who says what, I leave that up to you. 🤍

Dividers by @cafekitsune @saradika-graphics @plum98

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FOUR YEARS AFTER THE FALL

Are you still falling?

You’re not sure anymore. Maybe you’re just used to it. Or maybe you just learned how to fly. It certainly feels like everything has slowed down. Sometimes it feels like floating. As if you’re a feather, so lightweight, swirling around aimlessly. But you can never touch the ground. Gravity can’t quite pull you down. Every time you feel like you’re finally landing, a force of nature pulls you back up.

Maybe it is a soft, warm, summer breeze, a memory of Joel.

Maybe it is a whirlwind, a contact from the lawyers.

Maybe it is a snowstorm, sign the papers, please.

Maybe it is the whispering of a gentle wind, the possibilities of what might have been, or the lack of real closure.

But it’s nice here. Even between the earth and the sky.

You never thought you’d enjoy leaving the big city and making a home for yourself on a ranch. But you loved it. You loved the peace and quiet, you loved this new community of people, you loved taking care of the horses, riding them, being around them. And then there was the house. A place you could almost call home. It was beautiful, rustic, warm, inviting, lacking none of the comforts a modern house needs, because you can’t quite get the big city girl out of you. The entire land had a soft, yellow-golden light enveloping every tree and every rock, everywhere your eyes reached, as if the sun shone differently here.

The days are easy. The chores are more than enough to keep you focused, there’s always something to do around here. It feels good to be busy, to keep your mind from dwelling on the past. You welcome the exhaustion of a full day’s work that accompanies your body when night comes.

Evenings are mostly good. You shower the day off, you cook, you chill on the couch with a good book or a film and more often than not, as the time passes and you feel more comfortable sharing the privacy of your home, you have friends over for dinner and drinks.

Nights though, nights are hard. At night, you pray that you are tired to the point of exhaustion so that you can sleep through it peacefully. Sometimes it works, but most of the time, not so much.

Time has intensified and lessened your emotional burden simultaneously.

The sharp pain that feels like thick acid being poured into you mellows in an inexplicable way. It still hurts, the pain oozing out of your every single pore even in a physical way. Only now, it has transformed into a sweet, slow poison conquering every hollow of your body, every vein leading from your heart to the ends of your limbs.

It’s almost a welcoming feeling, this pain, reminding you that you’re still alive, that he was real, that everything that happened was real. Because sometimes, sometimes, when you let yourself relax, when you let your guard down, all of this feels like a dream. Sometimes, you wake up in the middle of the night, confused, reaching with your hand for the other side of the bed and finding it empty. And for a split second you get that feeling. The feeling of how it used to be with him next to you.

Then you remember.

You know why this is happening and who’s responsible for it. This is a mix-up. This is what your treacherous brain does to mess with your resolve. It blends the bad stuff into the good, creating the strangest of concoctions. The clear image of black and white, neatly and perfectly hung in the center of the walls of your mind is now splashed with colorful memories from your life together, like a Pollock painting. You do your best to resist, to bring back scenes from all the vivid recollections of the night your life changed forever but your uncooperative brain pops another memory up, a good fuckin’ memory, like a projector, illuminating those bare imaginary walls with laughter and touches and whispers and scents and warmth. It’s relentless.

This dichotomy creates an uneasiness inside you, you choose to reject and pretend not to notice. Which in turn leads to self-contempt because, as always you can’t lie to yourself. You may lie to others but deep in your core you have to be honest with yourself. That is something you’re owed. To be aware, present in the reality of your life. So, you know, you know, you just sweep things under the carpet as a copy mechanism. You know what you should do.

You should confront him. You should demand answers and then finally say what you need to say to him. Not for him, not for his sake, but for yours. But you can’t. You've lost count of how many times you've picked up the phone and your thumb hovered over his contact to call him but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. And every time you tried to text him, to start a conversation, it felt too awkward. The only acceptable subject of discussion initiated by you was the progress of the divorce papers. You were unable to even remotely insinuate a more meaningful encounter. And he didn’t make any advances either. Not that you gave him any room to try and talk to you, but still, he seemed more settled with that, rather than not.

Maybe that fact itself was your cue to let it all go. He’s probably moved on. You don’t cheat on someone so blatantly and then want them back. Obviously, this whole delaying of the divorce is a power play, like everything else, it seems.

Good, yeah, that’s it. That’s it.

Now, let go. Move on. You solved it. Let go.

But this annoying little voice is scratching the walls of your weary brain, nudging the limits of the carefully made up serenity that’s hanging by a thread.

You should confront him. For your peace of mind, for your equilibrium.

But it’s nice here. Even between the earth and the sky.

Joel, will you please sign the papers?

It’s early in the evening and you’re in the garden in front of the house near the porch, on your knees, plucking a few weeds from the ground. The fatigue of the day’s work has begun to take its toll on you, your shoulder is slightly trembling as you rest your weight on one palm to dig around with the other. Sweat covers your torso, rolling down between the valley of your breasts and the hollow between your spine, leaving your t-shirt clinging to your skin, your hair sticking to your forehead, which is lightly covered in a thin layer of dirt at some places as you keep wiping your forearm over the little beads of salty water that concentrate over your brows.

You feel him before you see him. He’s still taking up space in your micro-universe. His sole presence creates ripples through the atmosphere as he walks towards you, softly nudging you to turn your head from your spot to look behind you.

There's an overload of sensations before you shift your body around to confirm what you already know in your bones. You can smell him, taste him, feel him on your suddenly tingling skin, all at the same time.

You turn slowly and your breath hitches on your throat. You just stay in place, frozen, time infinitely stretching as you take him in from where you kneel on the ground. He stops abruptly the second his eyes meet yours and you could swear he’s holding his breath, his face completely unreadable.

He looks.. he looks like your Joel and nothing like him simultaneously. Soft yet imposing. Handsome yet battered. Determined yet lost. His clothing is simpler, dark jeans, green flannel over a black t-shirt and laced boots, as if he just returned from a working site. His curls are longer, framing his handsome face in a ridiculously good way, more white hairs nestle in his beard that is not that trimmed. Neither of you speak quite yet, taking each other in.

Your mind, your bizarre, ridiculous mind is working on figuring out what day it is. Why does it matter? Did you have an appointment? This is unexpected and a long time coming all at once, regardless of the day of the week. What comes next? Do you draw up an astrological map to determine if it's a compatible date for you to meet? Get it together.

Your facial expression must be pretty funny because Joel smiles awkwardly while scratching one side of his bearded cheek; hey, it’s me.

No, shit, you mentally respond, as if you could ever forget him. Furious is the word that best describes you because these are his first words? Hey, it’s me? And that feeling escalates into an explosive retort because you now realize that you had expectations. His first words? Who cares what his first words are? Were you expecting a tearful reunion, masterfully staged and executed like a romantic film? The guy betrayed you in your own house, sorry, his house. Wake the fuck up.

“Did you sign the papers?” you spit as you rise from your spot and he reacts as if you have punched him in the stomach. His face falls; you see a series of micro-expressions pass over his features before he settles on the last one. Has he been hurt? Did you hurt his feelings? Did he also have expectations?

“Uh-”, Joel raises his brows in genuine surprise, things probably not going the way he expected or hoped.

“It’s nice to see you, too.”, he replies with mild mockery.

Your eyes snap shut and you laugh in anger, lowering your chin to your chest and then looking back up at him, your eyes blazing, your brows mimicking his previously surprised expression, “Are you serious right now?” you cross your hands defensively over your chest.

You stare at each other for a good minute, both of you taking a moment to compose yourselves and regain your balance.

You break first, dropping your head back to your chest, looking down at the heel of your shoe scraping the ground beneath you, exhaling audibly.

“Hey,” Joel tries again, after speaking your name tenderly, your name on his lips, his head dipping down and to the side to try and get your attention back to him, his gaze filled with a mixture of warmth, regret and fear, “hi.”

You shake your head from side to side in repentance, what a great start this is, you keep thinking, “Hi.” is all you give him, still not looking at him.

“Hi,” he repeats, “it’s really nice to see you, bab-, shit, sorry.”, he winces, covering his mouth with his palm, embarrassment creeping into his features. You let out a quiet laugh, exhaling through your nose. You don’t comment on the slip of endearment that leaves his mouth, you don’t correct him, accepting privately that you liked it, you missed it, you longed for it.

Joel studies your face, but makes no comment on your silence. “You look...” he pauses for a split second before deciding to continue, “you look really good.” He hesitates, he doesn't want his compliment to come across as a feeble attempt to patronize you, because he really means it. You do look good, all sweaty and muddy and human and real. You are real. If he took a few steps forward, he could actually reach out and touch you, feel your skin under his fingertips, smell your heady scent, perhaps discreetly lick the remnants of your sweat from his thumb after carefully removing the strands of hair sticking on your forehead. But he doesn’t do that. He doesn’t do any of that.

You don’t quite know how to respond to that, any answer crossing your mind seems stupid or cheesy or dismissive. How do you respond to a compliment from the man who made you worship in his altar, only to have your faith ripped out of your heart?

His eyes keep roaming over your face, your figure, memorizing everything he can, like a blind man who has finally found his light, while he fidgets with an envelope in his hand which reminds you-

“Did you sign the papers, Joel?”, is what escapes your lips before you can think twice.

“No.” and now it’s his turn to lower his head, his eyes avoiding your gaze, as he looks down at his feet.

“Joel!”, you exclaim infuriated, rolling your eyes at him, knitting your brows together in a sign of frustration.

“No, no, it’s not like that. I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you want.”, Joel raises a hand in your direction to stop you from what seems to be a fair assumption, his palm up, facing you in an unspoken surrender. “I thought that- me, not signing, was a way of showing you how deeply sorry I am, how much I wanted to fix our marriage, but I understand now,” his voice wavers slightly, “that I need to respect your wishes. It’s the right thing to do. If this is still what you want, I’m gonna sign it.”

You don’t reply to that last part, only pointing out that “You didn’t have to come all this way to tell me that.”

“No, I didn’t.” Joel agrees.

“Then why are you here?” you insist, reluctant to entertain the idea that he has actually come all this way to apologize.

“Because I owe you an explanation.” is his honest and direct answer, sending little jolts of electricity through your nerves.

“Joel..” you sigh in exasperation. Not in warning or frustration, not really, but in something else. A feeling you can’t really put a name to, the closest you can come to describing it is that of a burden, woven deep into your heart, blossoming rapidly with each beat. There are so many things left unsaid; it makes you feel helpless, like you’re drowning. You want the dam you’ve built around your soul over the years to break so everything you've been holding back can finally pour out of you, but there’s just so much of it, of everything, that you’re terrified. Will the overflowing tank of emotions be completely empty? Will there be anything left unsaid? Untouched? What if the remnants left behind keep licking around your wounds, their waves pushing, shaping what’s left of you into something new, unrecognizable?

And what if, the tank will indeed be completely empty? What you’ll be left with, then? Nothing? Just.. empty? Will you remain empty? What, if anything, will take its place? Will you recognize your new self? Will you like yourself? Will you be able to live in harmony with this shell of a person? This you; you know. You hated and pitied and caressed and comforted and forgave and nurtured you into some version of a new you. But this? Everything will be torn apart, the wounds will be freshly opened, accessible to be examined in detail, plucked and bled and bruised in an all-too-familiar way.

Joel’s voice snaps you out of your trance, “No, I do. I owe you more than that, actually, but that’s the least I can do. And I wanna do that while I’m still your husband. I want to explain myself as your husband. Apologize to my wife, as her husband. Then I’m gonna sign anything you want me to.”

“And if I don’t wanna hear what you have to say?”

“Then I’ll just sign the papers and leave you in peace.” Joel confesses in all his honesty.

You just nod, looking down on the ground. You take a deep breath to ground yourself. You can do this. You want to do this. You need to do this.

You walk towards the house and sit down on the steps of the porch, as he looks at you awkwardly, not knowing where to stand. You gesture with a tilt of your head for him to come sit next to you. You can do this. You realize that you didn’t invite him into the house and you feel a bit rude for that, but it's beyond your empathetic capacity to deal with him being here and to let him into the house as well. “I just like it out here, it’s calm and-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, whatever makes you feel comfortable; I know you don’t want me here any longer than I have to be..” he interrupts you as he sits down next to you, his one side pressing against the end of the stairs, where the railing begins. He places the contract between your bodies, on the wooden floor.

It makes you uncomfortable, his statement, you always want people to feel welcome and relaxed around you. You internally chastise yourself for worrying about his feelings instead of yours, but you can’t help it, it’s embedded in your DNA. “It’s OK, Joel, I don’t mind, we can talk.”

Joel nods, but he remains silent. You don’t break the silence, giving him time to collect his thoughts. He chuckles defeated, shaking his head while rubbing his hand over his face.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, you don’t look that mighty to me anymore.” you blurt out before you can stop yourself and you immediately regret it. It didn’t sound so insulting in your head. You only meant to say that he doesn’t intimidate you anymore. Which is sort of a lie and a truth at the same time. You used to find him imposing, even his mere presence had the ability to make your skin crawl, your heart flutter and your words get catch in your dry throat, you were in awe of him. Every time you laid your eyes at him, even when you were straddling his lap or gazing at his profile as he slept beside you, you always felt as if you were looking up. You admired him.

His heart loses several beats to that. He can read between your lines now. He has lost your respect. Your admiration. The time when you looked up to him in awe is long gone.

“You know, my therapist warned me about this.”, he chuckles bitterly.

“Your-” you can’t hide your shocked expression from him as you search his eyes for any sign of him joking around, but you find none. “You’ve been in therapy?”

“Yeah, I-, I spent two years hating myself,” he chuckles deprecatingly, “and then I realized it was time for me to stop being an arrogant prick, so I spent another two doing it all over again with the help of my therapist.”

You laugh wholeheartedly at that and it’s the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen in his entire life. “OK, somebody’s off to a good start. Go on.”

“You mean about the therapy?”

“I mean about you admitting you are an arrogant prick”, you say playfully.

He really laughs now, his eyes crinkle up at the sides. You used to love that. You feel your heart warming up. “You can thank Maria for that.”

“For what?”

“For kicking my ass and pushing me to help myself.” Joel admits. “She’s a good friend.”

“Yeah, she is.” you agree through your laughter, the image of Maria actually kicking Joel’s ass is priceless.

“I missed that sound.” Joel is looking at you softly, as if his gaze could break you.

“Hm.” you simply smile at him, not finding it in you to respond with a snide remark. The time for that feels like it has passed, like it’s irrelevant at this point. All you really want is to have an honest conversation, irony be damned.

You both look at your feet in silent consideration for a minute or two. “I thought you’d be mad at me.” Joel reveals.

You exhale through your nose, the edges of your mouth turning up in a gentle smile. “Four years is a long time to be mad at anyone, Joel. Even you don’t have that kind of power over me.”

“Good. I have enough burden on my shoulders as it is..”, he mumbles and you decide to change the subject.

How do you admit that you are still mad at him but in a different way? How do you describe the deep scar his existence has carved into your soul making it almost unbearable to even exist without him? How do you explain that you’ll always carry him with you, no matter what? How do you instill in him that you still believe in the best version of him, the best version you know he can be, the best version of him you once lived with. Yes, you’re not mad at him for the reasons he thinks you are. You’re mad at him because the way he made you love him is stronger than any hurt he’s ever caused you.

“So, what did your therapist warn you about?”

“She, uh- she tried to prepare me for this.”

“Oh? What did she say?”

“That I should not be prepared.”, he laughs in earnest. “That I should not obsess about what I want to say and just be open and have an honest interaction.”

“I like her, already.” you say with a straight face.

He smiles softly, looking down at his boots, while he rests his elbows on his knees, one palm encircling the other. “Yeah… I had some digging to do; I still do for that matter and will be for a long time it seems.”

“Anything you wanna share?” you reply, raising an eyebrow as if you had no idea why he was here.

“Oh, boy-” he squirms in his seat, already overwhelmed by the turn of the conversation, his chest almost vibrating with anxiety, he can barely swallow, small beads of sweat starting to form around his temples. You reluctantly reach for his forearm, trying to calm him down. “Hey, Joel?”

His whole body stiffens at your touch and he wishes his clothes would evaporate so he could feel your skin against his. He fixes his eyes on your delicate fingers lightly squeezing his tight muscles underneath the fabric. “The worst part has already happened four years ago, so-” you shrug, “just breathe.” Joel keeps his eyes on your hand, his heart rate dropping slightly; you ground him. You retract your arm and keep your hands to yourself in an effort to maintain a respectable distance between you. You shouldn’t have touched him at all.

“I think- I think I understand now.” he begins, still feeling the ghost of your touch on his forearm. “How I made you feel, what your words meant. You always did that, you know. And I found it so fascinating and so exhausting at the same time.”

You look at him, confused. Joel continues, “You always chose your words carefully. You had a reason for every single thing you said. In retrospect, I realized that you were handing me everything on a silver platter, but I was too self-absorbed to see it at the time.”

You nod in agreement, gesturing with your head for him to keep going.

Joel takes a deep breath, holding it inside his lungs for a while. His exhalation is controlled, measured. “Fuck. Okay. It was not just the fact itself. It was not just the cheatin’.”

Your stomach clenches violently at his words. The time has finally come and although you know what happened, you where there, when the words come out of Joel’s mouth it's as if you're pulled back to that threshold all over again. It really happened. You feel your hands sweating. “Go on.”, you pronounce carefully, already anxious your voice is going to betray you. You can do this.

“I don’t want to sound all full of myself-” Joel hesitates.

“You won’t.” you interrupt him with conviction. The truth has never frightened you. You welcome it. It feels like a form of catharsis, it feels like you’re finally being seen. Every nerve in your body is on fire. You’re ready for this, for the truth, if only he gives it to you. Please, set me free.

“I was your everything.” he whispers, almost embarrassed, his eyes not meeting yours. You don’t respond to that, not until he looks at you, although the admission shoots straight through your heart. You stare at the side of his face, almost forcing him to turn to you. He does.

“You were.” Simple. True. Clear as the light of day.

“And I ripped that from you.”

“You did.”

“In the worst possible way.”

“Hmhm.”, you don’t trust the stability of your voice.

“And no matter what I say, I can never take back what I did. I humiliated you, our home, our relationship, everything. I-” his brows furrow in an expression of disgust, “I disrespected myself. I burned everything down. I left nothing for you to hold on to, nothing for me to hope for, nothing.”

His chin trembles and his voice wavers as he continues. “The words to describe how sorry I am have not yet been invented. And even if they had, they still couldn’t take the pain away; what’s done, is done.”

He closes his eyes and rests his head on the railing. “I don’t know what I wish for anymore. That you had never met me, so you could be spared all this pain? But I can’t. I can’t wish that, because I’m so grateful to have met you. I married you, I had you. That is what has comforted me all these years, what has got me through all those sleepless nights.” He looks absolutely devastated, desperate.

It feels genuine, because he’s not directing it at you, he’s not trying to convince you, he’s not trying at all. “I have not thought about my pain or what I want from all this for a long time. All I pray for is-” his glistening eyes are searching frantically on the ground, his brows knitted together in a painful grimace. You rest your head on the palm of your hand, your elbow on your knee. Watching this moment like an outside observer, you realize that he's trying to live up to your standards, reminding you of a child trying to impress his parents, only to fail regardless of the outcome.

“Look, Joel, couples break up, divorce, all over the world, all the time. And I guess, they all thought their partners were their everything until they finally weren’t.”, you rationalize, putting everything that has happened into some kind of perspective. It is not the end of the world. It is the end of your world. He doesn’t have to carry this burden on his shoulders for eternity. All you need from him is to understand, to acknowledge what he's done to you, how broken you’ve been.

But if he acknowledges that, if he truly comprehends the tremendous pain he’s put you through, won’t all that anguish be transferred to him? Isn't it unbearable for a truly repentant man to know that he has deliberately caused so much pain?

“But, you see; I wanted that, I needed to be your everything.”

“It certainly fed your ego..” you grin at him.

“No, no- I craved that- that look on your face when your eyes were on me, like there was nothing else, no one else around you, but me. You drove me to be better, to move forward; I felt I had a purpose. You were my purpose.”

“Well I didn’t do much of a job then, did I?” you smile defeated.

“No, honey, this-” he’s determined to make you understand that it wasn't your fault, even if it is the last thing he is going to do. He licks his lips trying to formulate his thoughts, “-what happened, had nothing to do with you, I- I was just- I got in my head..”

You shake your head dismissively, “It’s a terrible burden to put people on a pedestal and expect them to-”

“But you see, baby, that’s the thing. You didn’t.”Joel dismisses your comment and if a bucket of ice-cold water was thrown over your head you wouldn’t feel so frozen. You search his eyes for meaning, because deep down it stings to hear that you could give more. Is that what he’s saying? You didn’t love him enough? Joel catches on and rushes to explain. “You-” god this is so hard, he’s struggling, can’t he just rip his heart open and let you examine it? “You loved me so much, baby and you never asked for anything in return. You let me be who I was. You accepted me completely. You set me free.” His eyes are blown wide, burning into yours with intensity. You look so lost, how does all this fit in with what he did then?

“Darlin’,” he expands further, “we live in a competitive world. Everyone aims to control each other, from business partners to lovers and spouses; everyone manipulates, everyone tries to tell you where to look, what to do, how to act, how to fuck, how to love. Except for you. You let me be. You put your heart in my hands and you set me free. And I took advantage of that and I am truly sorry. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. That’s how fucked up I am.” you look at him dumbfounded.

“I can’t connect the dots; I don’t get it, Joel, I’m sorry, I-” you run your fingers through your hair, scratching your scalp in frustration. What does he mean?

Joel winces mid-sentence because he can’t escape what’s coming. This is his last resort. And he knows it is going to sound cruel and he doesn’t even mean the first part the way you're going to perceive it, but for lack of better words, for lack of the better person he could have been, a person who should have never put you in this position in the first place, here goes.

“She made me feel wanted; you made me feel free.”,

he spits out in a hurry, praying to whatever god is listening, that you won’t even catch it, knowing full well that these may be the last words you'll ever let him speak to you.

You are utterly, completely, perfectly shocked.

Then you feel it for the first time in what feels like ages. That old friend consuming you. Rage. It burns your lungs, twists your guts and pierces your heart like a thousand needles. Everything becomes crystal clear. You’re so infuriated, that your mind goes blank. A million words and nothing at all come to your mind simultaneously.

“Let me- let me rephrase that, because actually it was never even about her, I just-” Joel begins, in a vain attempt to stop the tide from crushing you both.

Your palms become clenched fists in front of your mouth, pressing against it, crushing the velvety skin of the inside of your lips against your teeth until you draw blood, in an effort to control yourself. You inhale sharply, keeping your eyes fixed on the land in front of you, blurred by the tears gathering in your waterline.

“She- what?” are the only words you manage to choke out.

“Baby, it doesn’t matter, it was never about her, she was a means to an end and-” your eyes bulge out of your sockets at the statement, “I know- I know how that sounds- just-” his palms come together in a prayerful gesture, begging you to give him a chance to explain.

“A means to an- what the fuck are you talking about, Joel?” the veins on your forehead swell under your skin, creating a map of the river of wrath flowing aggressively through your body.

“It was never an affair sweetheart, but a transaction; one I initiated. She was only a boost to my ego.”

..she made me feel wanted..

..a boost to my ego..

It's all starting to make sense now, and it's the last thing you expect to be confronted with. You've always imagined either a heated affair, a secret love story, him realizing he had found his soul mate in someone else, or him getting bored with you, finding you too much or too emotional or too unlovable. It turns out that you were accused of the one thing you never were.

“Are you-, oh god,” you can hear your heart pounding in your ears now and it takes every ounce of strength not to vomit, “are you saying that you fucked someone else; you fucked your secretary for fuck’s sake, you fuckin’ cliché of a man, because I wasn’t jealous of you?”. Your throat is so swollen, you try to scream your words at him but they only come out in wrenched whispers.

You stand up abruptly, dizziness causing you to close your eyes tightly as you see a million white dots behind the blackness of your eyelids. Your whole body vibrates with rage. You steady yourself on the railing and then begin to pace back and forth, your hands unable to stay motionless, but moving over your face, through your hair, lowering and squeezing the sides of your waist as you lean slightly forward in a subconscious way to soothe yourself.

“Oh my god, oh my fucking god,” you laugh hysterically now, as angry tears run down your cheeks, as if you've been let in on an inside joke. “It’s my fault, everything is my fault-”

Joel is frozen in place, he’s not sure if he should get up and try to reason with you or stay where he is.. or run for the hills. He’s witnessing the unleashing of a caged animal. His tongue feels heavy and numb in the cavern of his mouth but he dares to speak again, “That’s the exact opposite of what I said, sweetheart,” he tries to explain in vain, “I’m sorry if that’s what I-” but you’re not listening to a single word he utters.

“People kept telling me, urging me on, all my life;” and you slap your palms on the sides of your thighs, looking at his direction, but not really looking, “I should be more controlling, more pushy, more..” your voice begins to fade, muttering to yourself through your teeth. “They warned me, you know, that the lack of pressure in any kind of relationship would be perceived as a lack of interest.”

Don't trust completely; hold something back; men like the illusion of power; show them you need them; make them jealous; be jealous, like a manual to a pre-installed setting.

Do you agree to the Terms & Conditions?

Press ‘Enter.’

“But I didn’t listen. I never listened. Because in what world do we choose a leash over freedom?” You turn to look at him now, addressing him as if you were talking to a third party, an outsider, asking for advise or affirmation.

Maria’s words come back to Joel’s mind, words that he had long forgotten about, finally fitting like missing pieces of a puzzle to the bigger picture.

“Maybe the wrong Miller is on a leash..”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Means that freedom is for those who can bear it.”

“I was really stupid, was I not? What on earth made me think that this time would be any different, what made me think that you’d be any different? You’re just- you’re just another man-” you spit your vile angrily as your eyes sweep over him. The look in his eyes is devastated, he feels shuttered, reduced to nothing.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid little girl. When the fuck will I learn? When the fuck am I going to accept that I don't really belong? When?”

Joel is staring at you bewildered, he never felt more helpless in his life. A thousand new thoughts and questions form in your head, things you didn’t even begin to imagine would cross your mind.

“Did you use her?” you ask with renewed vigor, a surge of energy running through your body.

Joel’s cheeks burn with humiliation but he has already admitted it once, what will it do to him to say it one more time? “Yes, I never had any feelings f-”

“No,” you interrupt impatiently, you don't care about his feelings right fuckin' now, “that night, did you use her? On purpose?”

Joel looks lost for a second but the cogs in his head finally turn and “NO! No baby, I wasn’t even aware of you coming home earlier than expected, no. Don’t even entertain this idea; it wasn’t intentional, I swear to god.”

Oh. There’s a new question for Joel. Why did you leave your business trip early? He had never thought about it before, solely focused on everything else that had happened, which now made him wonder, “Did you- did you know?”

“What?” you frown, lost in your own thoughts, not following his line of logic.

“Did you know? Is that why you came back early from your trip?”

You’re still a bit too far gone in your head to think clearly and try to prevent the next question from coming, “Of course I didn’t know, Joel, did it look like I did?” is all you say with a bite, annoyed.

“Then why-” Joel insists, pressuring you for an answer, but he doesn’t get to finish his sentence.

“I- fuck- I need a minute.” you declare and start to walk towards the house.

Joel waited on that porch for almost an hour, watching the sun set behind the mountain, afraid to move, barely breathing in case you stormed out and threw him back where he came from as if him standing still would somehow make him part of the landscape; as if he belonged.

And you certainly delivered.

He hears the screen door open, his back still to the house. You are standing behind him, your arms crossed stiffly over your chest, your face tilted down, to avoid his gaze. He could see the red-rimmed and swollen eyes of yours, despite your efforts to hide them.

“I can’t do this-”

“Please,” his whole face contorts in agony, “please, hear me-” you both speak at the same time.

“-tonight.”

“What?” his voice matching the look of confusion on his face.

“Maybe another time, but not tonight.”

“I-” he doesn’t know how to articulate his thoughts without sounding like an idiot. He drove all this way, four hours straight, to finally get things straight. His brain has short-circuited, unable to put a plan into action. Should he check into a hotel or a motel or whatever the fuck is around here in the middle of nowhere? Should he go back to his place? Do you really want to talk again? You sort of said you did. You said maybe. Fuck. What does he do?

But honestly, what did he expect? That this would be over in the course of one evening? Of course he would have to come back. His eyes are fixed on yours like a deer caught in the headlights. “I came all this way-” he mumbles, choking on the last part, already regretting the words that came out of his mouth.

“Well, too bad.” you spit emotionless as you turn and head for the safety of your house, leaving him stunned on the goddamn porch.

Joel returned the next evening, but you weren't there. He made the four hour journey and came back empty-handed. And you weren't there the next evening, or the evening after that. But he kept on driving the miles, hot wheels under the Texas sun. He didn’t check in anywhere near your small town. He went back home and then back to you again.

The last time he found nothing but a closed door, he finally got the message, so the next time he left the house, before he turned on the ignition, he texted you, as a sign of respect for your boundaries.

Is it all right if I come and see you?

Backspacebackspacebackspace

Is it OK if I come and talk?

And the answer was

Not today.

So, every day he texted you. He didn’t mean to be intrusive, he just wanted to remind you that you were never far from his thoughts, that he was always ready and eager to finish what he started.

You denied him for quite some time. You couldn’t bring yourself to face him again. The confessions he made have knocked you off your axis. Just when you finally felt like everything was falling into place, he dropped this bombshell, making you rethink everything you thought you knew and had sorted out in your mind. You just couldn’t wrap your head around what you’d heard coming out of his mouth. How could he think like that? Why couldn’t he just talk to you? You used to talk about everything; what the fuck happened? How did you not see that coming?

You were sure that he would give up, that he would stop bothering to contact you at all. Was it the monster of self-deprecation? Was it a deep disappointment in human beings and their general lack of persistence in trying to nurture and repair a relationship, or at least trying to give it a proper closure? You didn’t give it much thought afraid of the answer you might get. But you kept saying Not today, until one day, for some reason-

Can we talk?

Yes.

Joel’s heart is beating through his chest so rapidly, he has to cough to regain some of his composure. He almost drops his phone, trying to confirm the most convenient time for you before you change your mind.

That was the first Yes after the day you saw him again. You weren’t sure what you wanted to talk about; if you could pick up exactly where you left off. You weren’t even sure you could look him in the eye again, but you had to see this through.

When you hear the sound of his engine and tires on the dirt road, you take a deep breath and walk out of the house to wait for him on the porch.

“Come on in, I’m cooking dinner.” you announce as you open the screen door for him to enter the house.

“Are you sure?”, Joel is taken aback, he thought the inside of your house was strictly off-limits to him. You were also cooking dinner as if he was an old friend visiting you. He couldn’t help but wonder if he should lower his defenses or not but with the way you looked tonight you didn’t give him much of a choice.

You’re wearing a pair of warm cream jeans, paired with a white front tie shirt, the first few buttons left open, giving him a glimpse of your tanned sternum. It almost looks like a man’s shirt, just messily tied up over your soft skin, revealing bits of your stomach. Could it be another man’s shirt?

You are barefoot. The nails of your toes are painted in a fresh glossy black color. Your hair is casually tied up in a messy bun, loose strands falling around your beaming face. Joel has to restrain himself from pushing you against the wall and fucking you on the spot, by clenching and unclenching his fists. His mouth is salivating at the sight of you, excitement building in his groin. It's been so long since he's felt this way, a different kind of hunger is growing in him at a rapid pace, as if something buried deep inside his masculinity has just awakened from hibernation.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” you quirk back at him, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, what you’re both doing. “I’m starving. Coming?” you leave him at the entrance and go back into the house.

“You have a beautiful home.”, Joel admits as he takes in his surroundings, thinking that this is going better than he expected. He also can't help but prepare himself for the fact that this might not end the same way.

“Thank you.” you laugh nervously.

“What?”, he catches the note of disbelief in your voice. “I'm serious, the light is just right, it’s open and warm; it actually reminds me of you.” he says matter-of-factly.

“No, no, I know you mean it, it’s just- I guess it’s high praise, coming from you.” you admit. You always admired what he did for a living and how good he was at it and him seeing your place for the first time gave you another reason to feel kind of nervous.

“Oh, come on, none of that now.” he dismisses the compliment, his voice wavering slightly at the praise.

“Well it’s true, you are excellent at what you do, I mean, the house you built is a work of art and that’s a fact.”

“Which one?”, although he knows exactly which one, he presses on.

“The one we used to live in, together.” You can’t call it your house. You cannot. The mere thought of it makes your tongue feel like it’s on fire.

“Oh.”, Joel smiles as he presses his lips together in a thin line, “You mean our house. It was built out of love, that's why. It's the one I'm most proud of.”

“Hm.”, is all you give him. Déjà vu brings back memories out of the closet -pun intended- for both of you.

“Ok, now you really have to tell me. What is it?”, Joel crosses his forearms over his chest. He has to know.

“What do you mean?”, you try to buy some more time, cause you’re not so sure you want to go in there.

“You had the exact same reaction when I mentioned that, four years ago.”

“Ah, that.”

“Yeah, that.”

“It’s just- it always felt like it reflected your personality rather than mine. Or at least ours.”

Joel looks at you perplexed.

“I’m not complaining, I mean, how many people can claim that their husband built them a house the size of a small hotel as a wedding present?” you chuckle while you continue as nonchalantly as you can muster, “I would have lived in a cave with you, Joel, you didn’t have to go to these lengths to house two people. If you want my honest opinion, this was an ego project. I let it slide because it made you happy. And I liked you happy.” Joel looks stunned, his eyes darting back and forth between yours.

“Baby, I- I wanted to make you happy, to give you the best I could-”

“Joel, I’m not judging you. I am not. But you didn’t show me a single blueprint while you were designing the damn thing. You didn’t ask me what I wanted or how I imagined it. Sure, you equipped it with all the best stuff money could buy, but you never asked me what I thought about it. Not really.”, you see the hurt in his eyes and it unsettles you, but now the rabbit is out of the hat. “Again, I’m not judging you and I’m not being ungrateful, all I’m saying is that for some reason you needed your shinny new wife to live in a shinny new castle. It was a prestige thing. Just think about it.”

“Jesus..” Joel mutters, pinching the sides of his forehead with one hand, feeling defeated.

“Hey,” you give him a wry look, “I tried to avoid answering that question for four years. You were the one who insisted.” you defend yourself, clearly amused by his reaction.

“What else do I need to know?”, Joel wonders in a desperate manner.

“Well.. for how long can you keep coming back?” you joke absentmindedly.

“For the rest of my life..” Joel answers a little too quickly, not a hint of playfulness in his voice.

Your heart tightens at his eagerness, forcing you to admit a consideration that you have had more than a few times before. “You know,” you look over at him, lost in thought, almost like reminiscing, “sometimes I wish I had met you before your company took off.” You snap out of your daydream and consciously look at him and he looks pained as if some kind of realization has hit him. You change the subject for the sake of both of you. “Anyway, speaking of which, how is work? I heard you closed that deal, after all.” you grin mischievously.

“Yeah, I did.”, his voice takes on a strange timbre, almost like regret. But you’re not so sure about anything these days, so you let it pass. He puts the envelope with the contract on the counter in the kitchen and sits down in the chair next to the table already set for dinner.

“Good, that’s good. Let me guess, you’re all over it? First in, last out? Is it almost done?” you word vomit to cover your nervousness.

“Uh,” Joel rubs the back of his neck, “I wouldn’t know.” is all he gives you, clearly trying to avoid getting involved in the discussion.

“Um, you don’t know?”, you laugh lightly in confusion. “How is that possible?”, you ask stirring the vegetables in the pan.

“I’m not involved in the project and I have no idea about the status of the construction;” Joel answers your question and continues, revealing, “I quit. Sold my shares and got out.”

“Yeah,” you draw the vowels, still not looking in his direction, “right. Big, mighty Joel Miller left his enterprise-” you laugh mockingly, but you are met with silence. “You’re joking, right?” You turn to look at him, not believing what you have just heard. You feel your blood freeze in your veins.

Joel shakes his head in denial, “I’ve actually left the city and the only reason I haven’t sold every asset in my name is in case you want to claim any of them. They’re all yours if you want ‘em.” Your mouth is slightly agape, as you try to process what has just been delivered to you.

You open your mouth to protest but he beats you to it, by raising his hand to stop you. “I know you don’t want anything from me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want them either. Not without you. Just take them. Burn them for all I care, liquidate them and use the money as you see fit.”, Joel insists, trying to find ways to convince you.

“You can do that yourself, Joel.” is all you say; you don’t give a damn about his money. Joel nods and leaves it at that, he knows better than to talk about money right now.

You’re curious where he lives now, but you’re not sure it’s appropriate to ask, so you don’t. You prepare dinner and make small talk about simple things like your lives over the past four years. Joel asks you about the ranch, the horses, the chores; you ask him about Tommy and Maria, their newborn son, whom you haven't had a chance to meet yet. None of you dare to break the bubble of normality in which you have effortlessly found yourselves.

It feels like coming home after a long day, the way you both fall into a comfortable silence. Joel speaks your name softly, drawing your attention and your gaze back to him. “What are we doing here?”

“We’re eating?” Just a little longer, let me have it just a little longer.

“Yeah,” he chuckles, “no, I mean, what are we doing?” he gestures with his fingers between him and you.

You look at him and then at your plate, playing around with your food, lost in thought. How do you acknowledge that? How do you confess that you’re trying to stretch time? How do you admit that you’re scared out of your mind of how it's all going to end? How do you even come to terms with the fact that you’re not sure you want any of this to end? How do you accept how natural it feels to have him back in your life? How do you admit that after four years the pain has never stopped, but the force, the roughness of it has changed into something softer, yet persistent; never quite going away, lingering.

How do you admit that all the good memories are emerging, because that’s what the mind does, that’s how it protects you, that’s how it helps you survive another day, that’s how it tricks you into falling back into a comfortable routine with him. Even if what binds you together now is his betrayal. How do you admit that you’re afraid of what will become of you once you've finished confessing your truths?

Will he cease to exist for you? Will you cease to exist for him? Will he ever bother to contact you again? Do you really want him to? Will you matter to him or will he move on, start again and shake off the last vestiges of your life together?

Or maybe- maybe he has moved on with his life and that's why he's doing all this, putting all this effort into it. Maybe he is preparing a new, clear path for himself and whoever is in his life right now. Is it her? Is it still, her?

You’re spiraling, lost in your thoughts, biting your lower lip anxiously, like a snake eating its own tail. “Baby?” his baritone voice snaps you out of it, he must have called you several times before you heard him, suddenly aware of hot, fat tears streaming down your face, his thumbs gently brushing them from your cheeks.

You let out a shuddering breath; it’s the first time he’s touched you, in so, so long. And here he is again. The familiar, old friend. He’s pounding on your door now, relentless as he is, screaming for you to let him in, lead the way, take charge, take care of you. You can almost feel his maniacal banging, vibrating through your chest, let me in, let me in, let me in.

Let me in, better angry than scared.

Better angry than scared.

Your shoulders slump, your head feels unbearably heavy. The world has stopped moving. The world is moving too fast. You savor his features as he leans further in, his intoxicating scent filling your nostrils, his eyes pleading, the brown of his irises inviting you to let him in. Joel’s face is that of a man still in love as he continues to caress your skin and you let him.

You let him, because you are a weak person.

You let him because you have been deprived of his touch, of any touch really, for far too long.

You let him because you want to have something for yourself, selfishly.

You let him, because for once you just want to take. Take, take, take.

You let him because you just want to be held and touched and loved.

And even though your mind knows that you shouldn’t want all that from him, your heart allows you that little moment.

“Joel, I’m tired.” you begin, your voice breaking as fresh tears run down your face and onto his thumbs. “Tired to my bones. All I want is to be honest with each other. Do you think we can do that? Can we talk like two adults with nothing left to lose? Can we just be truthful to each other? I know there’s too much history between us, too much hurt and resentment but we both have to try and put it all behind us. I can’t go on like this.”

There’s a stillness in him, realization and clarity dawning on him. He thinks he understands now and it shocks him somehow, as a fact, that there are still things to uncover, to revel in, to acknowledge. Every time he thinks he’s reached the end of this journey, a new sun rises over the horizon.

You don’t need the specifics of his action, at least not right now, or not anymore. What you need is closure. True, honest closure. And that can only come from him baring himself to you. “Yeah, yeah, we can do that. We can do anything you want, baby.”, he squeezes his eyes shut, knowing where to begin, but resisting the thought. He leans back in his seat, dropping his hands from your face as he lets out the breath he seems to be holding in and begins.

“Remember that night before your business trip when you came to my office?”

“Uh, yeah? I guess.”, what a strange thing to mention, you think confused. “What about it?”

“You came to me for sex.”, Joel says bluntly, no need to beat around the bush. This is it. This is how he loses you. Once again.

You stare at him and then, for some reason, look down in embarrassment. You’ve fucked him in almost every way you can think of and now the very admission of that fact makes you feel like an exposed nerve. It dawns on you, how far away this era has slipped away. You feel vulnerable as if you’re talking to a total stranger about your most intimate moments. At the same time, you still know exactly how to touch him, how to please him and a light warmth begins to shimmer inside you.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it, but- yeah..”, you admit, still nervously picking at your food with your fork.

Joel sees your apprehension but he presses on. This is what you asked for. “And I refused you.” The look on your face betrays your confusion. Where is he going with this? Only now, he sees more. He can finally see more. The hurt. The disappointment. “What happened next?” is his next question and does he really think that you can remember all these years later? Does he honestly believe that you can recall yourself leaving his office defeated and crying yourself to sleep? “I don’t remember.” you lie, shrugging your shoulders as convincingly as you can muster.

“You said you loved me and then you left.”, Joel reminds you.

“You- you remember all that?”, your eyes are wide and the look on your face vulnerable, Joel wants to pause it all and hold you in his arms.

“I can’t seem to forget anything about you,” he reveals, “believe me, I’ve tried.”

“What’s your point?”

“Why did you do that?”

“Uh.. why did I do what?”, you narrow your eyes in confusion.

His eyes are piercing yours, provoking you to figure it out on your own.

“Loved you?” He shakes his head almost imperceptibly.

Your eyes widen again, in surprise this time, as you finally see what he means.

“Walked away?” You’re fucking shocked to the core, your voice choked, you’re not sure you spoke out loud.

“Why didn’t you insist?”

Your mouth is wide open, you’re speechless, you flatter your eyelids in search of the right words. This is your second encounter and once again he says what you least expect him to say.

“You refused” you remind him now, “and I respected that.”, your hand moves to rest on your chest, palm open, to calm your racing heart.

“I didn’t want you to.”

“You know how that sounds, don’t you?”, you mock with a nervous laugh.

“Oh, please,” Joel is quick to respond, his brows knitted in a dismissive frown, “like you could ever force yourself on me.”

You genuinely are at a loss for words, your gaze unable to stay in one place, your mind running a million miles an hour.

Apparently you both are, because Joel is no better at explaining how he feels. “I wanted you to-”, he stops, his eyes still searching yours for the right words, pleading with you to feel him.

Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

It dawns on you. All at once. You see it all playing out. You know exactly how this conversation is going to go. “-claim you? You wanted me to claim you?”, your voice rises, as does your tone. You feel the presence of your abandoned friend again. You don’t want him here. But he creeps in through your veins, nonetheless. He is not giving up. If the pounding doesn’t work then he’ll poison you, slowly and persistently.

“From who? You were supposed to be mine!”, you exclaim exasperated, immediately correcting yourself “-not that I owned you, you know what-”

“That! That’s what I’m talking about!” Joel points his finger at you, “That’s what I needed. To be yours!”

“But you were! Are we really haggling over semantics? Of course you were mine! I just never wanted you to feel suffocated by me. You were not my possession Joel, you were my partner!”

“I swear to you, I would die a happy man, baby.”

“I- I tried so hard to control myself-” you mutter to yourself, rolling your eyes back to your head as you shake it in denial, “-all that hunger inside of me, eating me up-”

“What?” is Joel’s turn to look like a lost puppy. What the fuck is going on here?

“You,” you point a finger at him, “you were my first and last thought every passing day, it wasn’t even healthy anymore, Joel. But- I saw that look in your eyes sometimes, a hunger, one I thought mirrored mine and then it was gone in the blink of an eye and I thought that something was holding you back; I- I was holding you back. I thought- maybe I was undeserving..” you divert your eyes from him, embarrassed at your feeling of inadequacy, “So, I accepted what you gave me if it meant I could have any part of you.”

“Oh, baby..” Joel’s hiding his face in his palms and his heart breaks as he realizes where you both stand. How did the two of you get to this point? How could his judgment be so clouded, how could he be so blind to what was happening under his own roof? How could he be so arrogant as to seek validation, one he didn't even need, from someone else? Someone whose validation he didn't even care about. It didn't matter to him. She didn’t matter to him. How could he not sense the insecurity tantalizing your very core to the point of feeling inadequate? If only you had told him sooner.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” you mirror his thoughts with your voice.

“What should I say to you? I couldn’t put it into words, even now I'm not sure I can. It was an all-consuming feeling, an absolute necessity, an overwhelming need that was impossible to handle. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with it. I loved you with such force that it became an obsession. I couldn’t even entertain the idea that you might not want me back in the same way. I felt helpless, vulnerable. How could I come to terms with this? With the realization that I had fucked someone else just to get a rise out of you or to prove to myself that I didn't need you that much after all?”

Joel’s palms are clenched into fists on his thighs, trying to keep himself from pressing his lips against yours. Feelings and desires that had been buried in his subconscious for too long came back as he tried to make you understand.

“A r- so, you did fuck her on our bed on purpose.”

“You asked me that before, darlin’, I promise you I did not.”

“Then how would you provoke me if you didn’t mean for me to find out?” you look at him incredulously.

“I-” Joel winces, “it wasn’t a conscious thought, I just kept fantasizing about you finding out and burning the house down for me and that single image made me so h-” Joel shuts his mouth abruptly, not the best idea to describe to you how fuckin’ hard he got, fantasizing about you while fucking someone else. You, bursting into the bedroom all raging and furious, turning the whole place upside down reclaiming what was rightfully yours.

Him.

What a sick fuck he was. “I swear to you, no. I’m not that fucked up. It was a gigantic lack of judgment, I was fuckin’ drunk, my mind was a mess at that point. That whole week was-” he’s biting his tongue hard to stop himself while rubbing his forehead with his fingers, “I was just being an idiot.”

“The week I was gone?”

“Yes.”

“What about it?”

“Nothing, ‘snothing.” and he doesn’t elaborate. “Just a bad fuckin’ week.”

The atmosphere suddenly feels suffocating, as if all the words that have spilled out of both your mouths are hovering over your heads like a black cloud. You need some air to clear your mind, so you make your way out of the kitchen without looking back and walk slowly to the porch, sitting on the steps at the bottom of the stairs. You know he will follow. Your bare feet touch the soft soil beneath you and you try to ground yourself through the little patch of earth you call your own. It doesn’t quite work. There’s a beautiful golden glow, a last gift from the parting sun, warming your soul. Everything is going to be all right.

“Strange fantasies we both had.” you say as Joel seats down next to you, the contract once again a barrier between you. “You kept fantasizing about me finding out about your affair-”.

“It wasn’t an affair-” Joel corrects you. “Fine, fine. You imagined that, while I kept fantasizing me holding you so tightly while we fucked that our flesh became one; that’s how deep I needed you inside me, that’s how obsessively I wanted to carry you with me all the time, isn’t that totally fucked up?” you laugh dejectedly.

“I guess we are the same kind of fucked up. If only we could admit it to each other..”

“Did you really feel that I didn’t love you enough?” you whisper, almost too scared to be heard and to get an answer.

“I think we loved each other too much. I think we were both too afraid of losing each other. I think,” Joel pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts and calm his voice, “in our efforts to keep each other we did the exact opposite. More me than you, for sure. I have handled things badly and badly is an understatement.”

“You were always so patient with me. You’d always wait for me to come to you, to take my time. I needed the savage in you, or I thought I did at the time. That desperate thing I felt creeping out of you in stolen glances or bitten lips between your teeth, or when we fucked; no one has ever fucked me like you did. I did see all of you then, you know. And I think you saw all of me. If I made you feel confident or safe enough, you would have talked to me. And if I wasn’t so self-absorbed I would have asked.”

You never thought you’d hear these words from Joel, but all this time of self-reflection has changed him in a way that reminds you of the Joel you fell in love with. The one you could see behind all those layers of self-protection, the one you’d always hoped would emerge for you. And then he goes on, and you wish you knew what was coming so you could protect your heart from being torn to shreds.

“Maybe-” he closes his eyes looking pained, “maybe I was a narcissist. Maybe you gave me all you had and I kept wanting more, maybe I needed every part of you for myself. Maybe I needed you on your knees, on a leash, at my mercy, just to have the illusion of the certainty that you would never leave me. Maybe freedom is for those who can bear it, after all. Hell, maybe I was the one who needed the leash in the end. Maybe you gave me too much credit, my love, when you deemed me worthy of freedom.”

His words are earth-shuttering, obliterating, final. There’s nothing left to be said, at least nothing of substance. Final. The fucking word plays over and over in your head. Final. This is final. You could swear that you have felt every possible kind of pain during these four long years but new depths of agony are being discovered right now. The acid in your stomach makes your throat constrict. You feel petrified.

Joel can sense your distress, his words have been of no comfort to you. Your skin looks pale, covered with a thin layer of cold sweat; you look physically ill. Your forearms rest on your knees and he gently cups your elbow to check in on you. Are you OK? You smile weakly at him, the expression not reaching the corners of your eyes.

“You know I would give anything to take it all back, right?”

Your laughter is more lively now, not with malice or sarcasm, but with a sense of humor.

“Yeah, yeah, I think I do.”, you shake your head in twisted amusement, tilting your head up, to let the last rays of the sun warm your face, maybe bring back some of your lost color. It's getting dark now, the day is coming to an end, the curtains of the last sunlight are almost closed. Your eyes are closed too, your head still tilted back as you laugh to yourself, “You did that backwards, too, you know.”

“What?”

“You have burned everything to the ground, only to realize that you want to get it all back in one piece. I mean it’s- it’s-” you struggle to find the right words but Joel offers one of his own.

“Ridiculous..”

“I was gonna say pointless.. But that’s the thing, Joel. Choosing to be with someone is like faith. You believe because you just know. You don't have to find evidence to prove your choice at every turn, otherwise it’s just exhausting. You choose to trust yourself.”

“Trust me as your partner, you mean, not yourself.”

“Joel, it was never about trusting you..”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand..”

“I’m not sure how to explain it- uh..”, you raise your shoulders and your brows in unison as you shake your head slightly, searching for the words. “Trust is a personal journey. ‘Trust’ doesn't mean ‘trust in you’, I’m not trusting you. No one can be sure of anyone. ‘Trust’ means that I have faith in myself, that even if you hurt me, even if you abandon me, I will not fall apart. And..” you shrug your shoulders, hugging yourself with your hands, “look at me, Joel..”, you finish, suggesting that you’re still here, still standing.

“I am, baby; I am..” Joel replies, taking in the sight of you as if it were the last time he’ll ever have the chance to, utterly compelled by your inner glow.

“I’m not mad at you Joel, not anymore. And I believe you, I really do. But I can’t get that scene out of my head. I just can’t. I can still hear the sounds, I can even recall the way you smelled when you were standing next to me.”

His hands are shaking.

“I’m not trying to hurt you, really.”

“I know.”, his voice is barely audible.

“I think you’ve done enough of that yourself. Maybe it’s time to forgive yourself?”

“Do you?” Do you, really? Do you forgive him after all that has been said? Do all these confessions illuminate the facts from a different perspective? Does it change what he did and what you went through? And if so, does that mean you're letting him go? Are you leaving him behind? Is he leaving you behind? Why is it so hard to let go? Why do you choose the safety of the known, even when it hurts you?

You choose not to answer and instead firmly insist, “You have to forgive yourself, Joel, it’s okay.” Be the better person. If not for him, then for yourself. Let him go.

“I can’t do that.”, Joel is adamant, shaking his head while he rejects your request.

“Yes, you can.” you urge him again. “As I can and do.” Let him go.

Joel never thought he would listen to those words coming out of your mouth. He doesn’t deserve them. He hasn’t earned them. “You forgive me?”, he repeats in utter shock and disbelief.

“Yes.” Loud and clear as daylight.

“I- You can’t- I don’t- I don’t deserve that.” Joel feels like he’s drowning in your so graciously offered Holy Grail, desperately trying to keep his head above the waters of your absolution.

“I can’t be the judge of that, Joel, hell, I can’t be the judge of anyone. The way I see it, you chose your actions and I chose mine. You chose to hurt me and I chose to walk away. We both lost something. Have we not suffered enough, Joel?” you ask him honestly.

“I don’t want to presume, but- isn’t it a great burden to carry on your shoulders when you try to move on? All this anger, all that bitterness?” you search his eyes for an answer but he doesn’t give you one.

You continue, hoping to get through to him. “Your feelings are your burden Joel and it doesn’t matter if I forgive you. That’s why it is you who needs to forgive yourself.”

His eyes still refuse to meet yours, stubbornly glued to the ground. “I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me. We need to move forward, both of us.” is the last thing you say to him, not knowing if he even listened to half of what you just said.

You both fall into a thoughtful silence, but something you said is bugging him. He can’t quite figure it out, so he turns to look at you, to savor you while he still has the chance. He knows that his time is limited.

You’re just sitting there with him, trying to comfort him, you of all people. You seem lighter now, fidgeting absentmindedly with your fingers as if some of your burden has already been lifted. And as his gaze sweeps over you, he sees it again. He sees the white shirt hugging your body and he knows what’s troubling him.

I don’t want to presume, I don’t want to presume, I don’t want to presume.

His heart beats rapidly in his chest, panic rising inside him.

“I’ve been with you for the last four years.”

“Excuse me?” your hands freeze as you turn to face him, clearly confused.

“You said you didn’t want to presume anything and I need to set the record straight. There was and is no other woman in my life except you.”

“Joel,” you blush shyly, “this is none of my business, you are free-”

“No. No. I need you to know this, it’s important to me. I meant everything I said. You have done nothing wrong. My feelings for you have never changed-”

“Joel, please..” you beg him to stop, you can’t have this conversation now, it’s too soon. No, you’re wrong. It’s too late; too soon means there’s a future ahead of you. A future where you both fit in the same universe.

“I don’t want you to think that I came all the way out here just to tie up some loose ends and move on. That is not what this is about.”

“If you expect me to tell you about my personal life..” your what now?

“No, I don’t. And I don’t think I could handle it, anyway. You are a free woman and you deserve the world. Unlike me; I don’t deserve anything and I’ll never be free of you.”

Your chin is now trembling and you bite your lower lip to stop the involuntary muscle contraction. You can’t decipher if it’s from anger for the way things came to be or from deep, excruciating sadness for how Joel feels. For how he makes you feel.

“Free woman, huh?”, you whisper bitterly, looking down at your feet, willing yourself not to cry.

“Yes, free, as you should always have been and I’m sorry I couldn’t see it sooner.”

Joel then picks up the divorce papers from the floor next to him as he’s fishing a pen out of his pocket. He stares at you and then at the blank space where his signature should be, next to yours. He splays his palm over the last page as if to straighten it out, but it almost looks like he’s caressing it. He brings the ball of the pen to the white surface and for a moment his hand lingers over it. He doesn’t dare look at you again, his resolve is not that strong. Finally, finally he signs, filling the empty spot and he hands you the contract. It’s a strange moment, the one before the signature and the one after it.

Everything seems to be the same; it is just a signature.

Everything feels completely different; it is not just a signature.

Your fingertips brush his as you reach out to take it, the touch sending shivers down your spine. Your slightly trembling hands hold the papers gently, not sure you wanna hold on to them or scatter them on the ground. Your thumb swipes softly over his signature.

You feel it, now. You feel the ground beneath your bare feet, the warmth of the earth, the weight of your footing. The falling has stopped. The feather finally rests. You have landed.

Joel moves to stand on his feet, as you keep staring at the drying ink, when you feel something fall from above onto your thumb; but you can’t see anything as it is immediately absorbed by the hungry pores of the paper, slightly smudging his signature. You look up to catch him as he dries his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.

“Free as a bird, baby, ready to fly over the world.”, Joel smiles at you with a look of reverence and devotion in his eyes.

You picture the floating feather in your head and smile back at him with a serenity he hasn’t seen in a long time.

“I think I just want to walk for a while. One step at a time.”

He nods, his eyes still full of emotion and you watch as he begins to walk slowly towards his truck, when suddenly he turns his body to face you but continues to walk backward in the same direction.

“Hey!” he calls to you with a mischievous smile, raising his chin to you.

“Yeah?” you answer, your voice wavering slightly as you try to hide your smile.

“Can I take you to dinner sometime?” he asks as he reaches for his driver’s door and opens it, waiting for your answer, which never comes because you think he’s joking. But he continues to stare at you, with no expectations, quietly, earnestly, sincerely, with a soft, shy smile on his lips. Oh.

Oh.

“Joel..” is all you breathe out, closing your eyes for a moment before you look at him again, because his name is all that is left in your very being right now. Joel.

He seems lighter, too.

“Maybe, one day..?”

“Yeah.. Maybe, one day..”

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austinbutlerslovers · 5 months

Text

Feyd Fantasy 7: The Finale

Label mature 18+

Honor & Heir

Summary

Feyd starts a war on Arrakis to gain final control over the Spice fields. He wants to finally free its massive profits to House Harkonnen and become the wealthiest family in the galaxy for you and his heir.

During your final month of pregnancy you and Feyd are summoned to the Emperors palace on the planet Kaitain by decree. Feyd is upset at any inconveniences to you with his unborn during this fragile time.

You reunite with your Reverend Mother in the palatial gardens and a fated decision must be made. The stress of the decision is so great you go into labor. For Feyd his world stops. He drops all of his responsibilities with the Emperor to be by your side.

Starts off Princess treatment romantic Ends with Feyds reign & birth of your child

⚠️Hard Core Smut⚠️

simultaneous self pleasure•size kink•fingering •handjob•forced orgasms•sex while sleeping•sex while injured•face sitting• submission •cum eating•thigh pinning• manhandling • position switching • body worship•multiple orgasms

⚔️ Feyd Fantasy Series Master List⚔️

Part 1•Part 2•Part 3•Part 4•Part 5•Part 6•Part 7 🗡️ Feyd Fantasy Chapter 1-6 Recap ⚔️Feyd Fantasy Master List ⚔️ 📖 All Genre Masterlist

⏳Extreme Dune Inaccuracies!⌛️ Based on the film Dune Part 2 (Feyd supremacy timeline)

💀 Trigger warnings dark themes: graphic death(s)

⚔️Final Fic Requests ⚔️ -Feyd gentle with you -Feyd Adoring you -Feyd forgoes his pleasure for your own -Faceriding Feyd -More arousal fluid! -Feyd gives you the princess treatment -Bene Gesserit kidnapping plot -Feyd as a father

This series was so fun to make I want to personally thank each and every one of you!! The last chapter is a novel in itself please enjoy this epic finale 🙏🏻

Special thank you to my proofreader @faegoddessog my smut consultant @burnthheparaphilia and my affection consultant @magicovento thank you for jumping on this wild ride with me I am so appreciative of everything you did to improve the series ⚔️

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Honor & Heir

You awaken on the Harkonnen palatial space craft traveling to Arrakis. You are in the beautifully decorated master suite on the giant bed. Resting across from you is Feyd sleeping peacefully in the black silk sheets.

You are enamored with his pale skin at this point especially in contrast with any dark color to enhance it.

You stroke your hand along his handsome face, he is completely out. It is becoming harder and harder for him to awaken in the mornings. Every time you use your ability to mentally inflict him with pain to orgasm it is essentially stealing his life force. He needs time to recover.

You have become infatuated with his pleasure sending severe signals of pain to his temple during sex to make him cum on your command. The way his back arcs as you watch the intensity increase in his yearning eyes always makes you orgasm as well.

During the evening he gave you a tour of the Harkonnen palatial space craft. When he saw you were impressed he could no longer contain his urges for you. As soon as he showed you the elaborately decorated master suite and saw the bed he wanted to claim you on it.

His hands slowly stripped your gown from your body as his lips ambushed your mouth. “I need to be inside of you” he panted staring into your eyes. You readily agreed and he kneeled before you pulling your gown and panties down as you stepped out of them.

“Have you ever fucked on a spacecraft Baroness?” He asked looking up at you with a knowing grin as you shook your head no. He picked you up in his strong arms bracing his hands beneath your thighs and kissed you sensually as he carried you to the black silk bed laying you down.

You rested back on your elbows to watch him stand from you and undress. He removed his regal top first revealing his perfectly chiseled physique.

His muscular chest and abs we’re on prominent display as his strong arms flung his tunic. When his fingers unclasped his pants you watched how his erect cock with his pink tip swayed as he stepped out of them.

Once his pale muscular body was naked he climbed over yours. His long thick cock dragged and touched against your thighs as he took his time pressing passionate kisses across your neck. He held your nape making you tilt your head back to gain more access to your throat for his wanting mouth. He sucked love marks across the entire front.

Once he had finished his trail of bruises he softly whispered against your ear “What would you like Baroness, how would you like me to please you?” it sent chills all over your body that he would let you decide.

His hand trailed down your abdomen resting at your core as he kissed your neck awaiting your instructions.

You had snuck into his kink cabinet before the trip and brought the arousal fluid. You knew he would be preoccupied on Arrakis and planned to use it to pleasure yourself while he was away.

Now when he offers himself for your desire you want him to use it on you instead . “In my things I have brought the arousal fluid, I want it Feyd” you say looking into his eyes. A smile forms on his lips as he helps you to get up. “If you have kept it hidden until now, did you plan to use it without me?” He questions as he spanks you before you leave his proximity. His dominance rising that you should ever be satisfied without him.

You smile shyly as you stand back in front of him with the vial. “Yes I planned to use it on myself” you admit. He rests back on his elbows with his muscular thighs spread apart, the size of his erect cock intimidates you. He gazes up to you with a deviant look in his eyes. “Show me” he says with extreme interest wanting to know how you pleasure yourself. It makes your heart skip a beat.

You become timid as his eyes look over you with such lust. You know once the fluid touches your folds you will be overcome with the need to pleasure yourself and will no longer by shy.

You apply a liberal amount to your fingertips and set the vail aside. As you reach between your thighs he mirrors your movements reaching his hand to take a firm hold of his cock. A small sound of pleasure escaped your lips. He will make you watch him as you do the same.

He tilts his head to the side studying your movements to match his own. You rub the fluid onto your entrance swirling your fingertips through your folds and letting out a breath.

The arousal fluid begins working instantly as the blood rushes to your core making your folds begin to pulse. With your clit and entrance throbbing you slip your fingers inside of yourself and let out a pleasurable gasp. Your eyes close as you enjoy the immeasurable feeling of calming the dull ache forming inside with your fingers.

Feyd begins to stroke off his cock eyes fixated on your hand between your legs. You begin making light sounds of pleasure and he pumps his shaft faster on his cock.

Your fingers become slippery from your over arousal and you try to reach deeper and pull down harder. You want to satisfy the dull ache increasing within but you can no longer gratify it, you need Feyd.

Your eyes open and gaze down at his changed condition. His hand is working feverishly on his shaft slicked with spit. His abs are flexing as he pants heavily in pleasure looking at you with an insatiable desire for sex in his eyes.

“I need you” you plead to him as you withdraw your fingers. He is on his feet and immediately claims you. His hand goes to your waist holding you steady and he plunges his two fingers deeply inside you.

You cry out from the pleasure of his larger fingers as they push through your tight walls. You clutch his shoulder with one hand and reach your wet fingers to his wrap around his cock with the other. He breathes a heavy sigh against your ear as you glide your fist around his shaft.

As you use each other for sexual gratification you reach your peak. His fingers are no longer enough, the arousal fluid has made you insatiable “Feyd I need you more please take me.” you beg him. He withdraws his fingers and lifts you onto his chest carrying you to the bed and forcing you down on your front.

He knows the arousal fluid makes you crave sex as he does, ruthlessly.

As he spreads your thighs apart you grip the sheets. When he presses his throbbing tip to your entrance you tense your body in preparation for his large size. He spanks you then and you cry out in shock “you want this cock and yet you tense?” he spanks you again on the same cheek shocking your body and making you moan “give yourself to me” he commands. You nod laying your head to the bed and relax your body.

He holds his hand firm on your lower back and pushes his large cock head inside of you followed by his thick shaft. You moan against the sheets from the overwhelming sensation of his size. He spanks you again to feel you clench on him “You were …made for ..me ..-Baroness. You are so tight …-on my cock… it drives me insane.” He pants out as he slowly rocks you on his length getting you used to his size.

As he increases his pace his thrusts become violent. He begins pounding you against the mattress splitting you open between your legs. You make small pathetic whimpers as your eyes roll up feeling the deepest part of your core completely satisfied.

He spanks you twice and you clench on him hard as you moan. “I want those pretty sounds Baroness” he commands. You begin to moan as he tucks his hands under your hips lifting them up and pulling you back to him on your knees with your chest to the bed.

He grips his hands around your hip bones and impales you onto his large cock. Your high pitched moans fill the air.

He impales you again and again pausing on the each of each thrust. When he feels the way your walls begin fluttering against his cock he knows you will cum.

He spanks you as he begins clapping his hips into you repeatedly and your body tenses overwhelmed with pleasure. You scream out yes in unending praise for him as you orgasm.

He pulls back his hips to withdraw from you and quickly grabs your waist. He easily flips you over to face him and plunges his large cock back in. “Feyd Rautha!” you moan out as your eyes gently roll back. Your body rocks violently from his thrusts.

“Make me cum!” He yells as his strong pace falters, his orgasm is imminent . You place your finger tips to his temple and inflict him with pain at the highest intensity making his body go rigid. He cries out in pleasure as he instantly cums filling your core with warmth painting your walls with his seed.

You release your fingertips and he regains control of his body almost collapsing on top of you. He breathes heavily as he looks down at you with a psychotic look in his eyes “I want more “ he says.

You give him what he desires and his orgasms increase with intensity. He makes depraved sounds as his cock pulses with no sperm left to give. With the arousal fluid working in your core you keep his pace.

On his fifth orgasm as you release him from pain he pants above you staring into your eyes mystified. You knew he can not handle another even though he wanted to.

With all his of his energy drained you collect him in your arms making him rest down on you. As you caress his head he fell into a deep sleep on top of you without withdrawing his cock.

In the morning when he doesn’t awaken after your gentle touches, you softly kiss his forehead and allow him rest. You plan to cease using your ability on him until he is fully restored.

Beginning your day you use the decontamination chamber,cleanse your mouth and face, then get dressed to eat breakfast in the dining room of the spaceship.

You walk through the large craft finding it eerily empty and cold. Once you locate the dining room there is a servant who attends to you and brings your meal. As you eat she informs you that one hour remains until you arrive on Arrakis.

When you finish you walk back to the master suite to inform Feyd. You place your hand in the designated finger print reader for the master suite door.

It registers your identity and the doors slide open allowing you inside. You find Feyd in the master bedroom. By this time he is awake and smiles as you enter the room.

He is putting the finishing touches on his gear dressed head to toe in his Harkonnen combat armor for war. You kiss his waiting lips.

“Did you sleep well?” he ask pushing his hand into his fingerless combat glove.” You smile enamored looking at him, eyeing his blades and how dangerously handsome he looks in his armor. Your attention finally returns to his handsome face.

“Yes I slept well and you?” You pry playfully because he could not even awaken. “I dreamt of you full and round with our unborn “ he says facing you smiling and placing his fingertips on your abdomen .”I felt complete“ He says as he gently pulls you close.

His words stir your passion for him and he holds you in his arms keeping you in his space as his eyes wander your face in the intimate moment.

”When I destroy the Fremen it will make us the wealthiest family in the galaxy. What would you like to do then?” He asks bringing one hand to softly hold the nape of your neck while caressing your jaw with his thumb.

Your heart swells realizing how powerful he could become “I would want you to be emperor.” You admit gazing up into his eyes. He traces his fingertips along your jawline to your chin caressing it affectionately with his thumb “So be it“ he says smiling back at you with his hypnotic blue eyes gazing into yours.

Through the small master suite window behind you he can see the glowing orange planet of Arrakis approaching in the distance.

“Come I want to show you something” he says and takes your hand. He leads you through the ship to the large and ornately decorated lounge. He brings you to stand in front of the floor to ceiling viewing windows.

Turning you to face them he wraps his arms around you to gaze at the planet together. At first you are only looking back to his face admiring him as he holds you in his embrace. You place your hands over his as he holds your close.

When you finally look out of the window a gasp escapes your lips. You are approaching the planet so quickly the enormity of the glowing orange world obscures the entire view of the window. It is an awe inspiring sight to behold.

Small bursts of light begin surrounding the ship until it sets ablaze glowing in flames across the window. You tightly grip Feyds hands frightened. He smiles pulling your closer against him as he kisses your ear “Don’t worry we are only entering the atmosphere” he says gently.

He admires how your eyes search over the landscape of his second planet once the atmosphere is breeched. He has fallen for you entirely he will give you everything, anything for his Baroness. You are his world.

The ship descends above an enormous palace structure built into a rocky mountain scape.

A heavy thud resounds the craft as it lands on its destination and the engines fade to silence.

Servants enter the lounge with two of Feyds advisors with your Doulah from Giedi Prime. They escort you to the exit of the craft.

As you descend the gangway the sweltering heat consumes you both. You squint your eyes from the brightness of the planets sun as you walk under a structured awning lined with guards into the cool depths of the palace.

Once inside Feyds assigned Menant greets him with a bow. “Welcome to Arrakis Baron Feyd Rautha your brother awaits you in the greeting hall. Baroness I hope you will find Palace Arrakeen to your liking. There are two female servants awaiting you in your chambers should you need anything during your time of greatest fragility.” You slowly understand his words they are concerned for your pregnancy.

Even though you have your doulah there are two more servants to attend to you. Feyd smiles at you realizing you haven’t even noticed the assassins trailing you for your protection from the ship yet. You are his top priority here. “Come let’s go see Rabban” he says taking your hand.

You are escorted to the greeting hall. As you walk through the palace everything is ancient sandstone with large pillars and supports. There are hand carved etchings on every wall showing the deep rooted history of the planet. Beige is the prominent color of every furnishing and decoration.

You arrive to the greeting hall and as the large doors open Rabban is already walking down the room to greet you “Brother!” He exclaims to Feyd. Rabban is dressed very casually in a simple black silk tunic. He looks relaxed and carefree as if he is not even in the midst of a planetary war.

Arrakis was Rabbans retreat away from the Baron he has the palace set up to his liking and with his uncles passing each day he has become more goal oriented to impress the new Baron, his younger brother.

Rabban bows to Feyd and smiles at you. “The colors of Geidi prime suit you well Baroness ” he says noticing you fully dress in black now to match Feyd. You smile and simply nod.

“I have much to share with you Baron Feyd Rautha” Rabban chides his brother who tries to disguise his pride at the new title. “Come let’s all eat the meal I have had prepared for you with the delicacies of Arrakis.” Rabban says excitedly.

You follow him to the dining hall. The room is very large with vaulted ceilings, yet very beige and minimalist. There is a huge scale rug the length of the table and sun protecting the long windows which let light inside. You sit to Feyds left at the sand stone table in a hovering chair.

The meal is placed in front of you. Dried fruits, roasted meats, cheeses, and seeds. You are intrigued by dessert food.

As you eat Rabban and Feyd discuss the ongoing war efforts with his two advisors.

“When you ordered the annihilation of the Fremen I knew it would be a difficult war. We keep them at bay but they return with more forces like rats! If we find their strongholds in the north we can finally subdue them and continue south. I have much to discuss with your calculated mind brother.” Rabban conveys as he eats

Feyd nods and reaches for your hand which you hold as they continue to speak on the matter. He traces his thumb across your knuckles as he discusses war strategies. He is so resolute and cunning as he speaks it makes you desire him.

After lunch Feyd bids you farewell with a kiss on the lips and leaves you with your servants. He heads to the war room infatuated with what he has planned over lunch with Rabban. A surprise attack on the Fremen this very evening.

In the center of the war room is a table which projects the live locations of all Harkonnen war crafts near estimated Fremen strongholds. The military strategist give Feyd the records he requested of the heaviest attacks on the harvesters and uses them to point where the Harkonnen war vessels should attack.

They wait and watch as the crafts shoot live rounds into pinpointed locations. Next they order the ground troops to search the hidden cavernous structures during the cool of the night after the destruction.

They locate several more hide outs annihilating every being within. The Harkonnen ground troops then signal the war crafts to completely destroy the structures knowing far more are hidden beneath.

The collapsing rubble kills thousands more who hid deeper inside. The unsuspecting Fremen who planned to attack at day break when the Harkonnens were weaker and more susceptible to the climate are thwarted.

The Harkonnen destruction sets the desert ablaze glowing with fires that fill the night sky of billowing smoke and the cries of the few scattered survivors who plan to retaliate with their last dying breath.

It is the early hours before sunrise when Feyd finally returns to you in the palace bedroom. He will be leading a charge in the morning to dispatch the remaining survivors in the rubble of destruction from the hours of raids.

He wants to ensure first hand he has taken the north from the Fremen for good.

After he strips of his armor he uses the decontamination chamber. He tilts his head up as the water sprays over him smiling that he has done what his uncle could not. Free the north to harvest spice at will. He has even crueler intentions set for those tomorrow that oppose his reign on this planet. After the hot air dries him he walks through the darkened grand room naked.

He climbs into bed with you and rests his hand on your hip. Feeling you safe finally calms his thoughts of war and bloodlust. He pulls you to him and tries to fall asleep.

After several moments shifting with his eyes closed he is unable to. The nights on Arrakis are too hot for his body. He is used to the colder climate on Giedi Prime. He lays closer to you and begins caressing your waist to distract himself. It makes him desire you and perhaps he thinks once physically satisfied he can sleep in the heat of the desert night.

You lay with your back to him as he slips his fingers over your neck to clear your hair from your shoulder. His lips make contact with your skin as he inhales your scent. He plants soft kisses but you do not sir.

He brings his hand over the front of your core sneaking his fingers between your folds and swirling them against your clit. His cock begins pressing hard against your thighs but you still do not move sleeping soundly. He decides then to use you gently enough for his pleasure without disturbing your rest.

He sucks his fingers and pushes them into your entrance as he lays behind you. Feeling the heat inside of you hardens his cock solid. He works his fingers slowly until you become wet for him. He aims his cock to your folds and presses into you as slowly.

His heart rate increases as he feels the tightness of your walls take each inch of his cock. He finally settles you on his base and lets out a breath of pleasure. He pushes his cock into you deeply to feel the friction of your walls without awakening you. He concentrates to remain himself and stay at such a slow pace.

When you finally awaken and Feyd is already thrusting between your legs making you begin panting and moaning shocked into arousal at already being penetrated.

Your brain strives to catch up with your body as your heart beats wildly. You hear his heavy grunts behind you as his hips pound against your thighs. He works his thrusts holding your waist to him keeping you steady on his cock.

He grins at having to last a little longer now that you are awake to make you cum with him. He cups your breast pinching and pulling the nipple that makes you cry out for him as you clench on his length.

You moan his name as he thrusts into you harder and he knows you will cum. He brings his hand to your clit slipping his fingers over the wet nub to make you orgasm. “Feyd I’m going to cum” you moan out. “Cum for me” he commands. His lips press your neck sucking more love mark into your flesh.

Your back arcs as you orgasm and he flicks your clit faster with his fingers as he paints your walls with his cum. His head falls back and you hear him groaning in pleasure at the euphoric feeling of your walls milking his cock. He slows his thrusts to a stop when he is empty and you both pant as you come down.

You suddenly smile as you laugh in the darkened room “Why didn’t you awaken me?” You ask as he withdraws his cock from your body. “I couldn’t sleep and you were resting so soundly.” He admits.

You turn over to face him. The room is dimly lit with moonlight but you can see him smiling in satisfaction. His body is glistening in sweat and he is still panting. You press your hand to his forehead and his chest feeling he is hot all over.

You sit up and pull the sheets from him. You eye his body the way he is still labored breathing. “Feyd It is too hot for you here.” you discern getting up from the bed to help him cool down.

Though the planet is scarce with water the Arrakeen palace rests on an aquifer, structured above its cavernous system of fresh water.

You run a bath for Feyd in the sand stone basin. You call to him when it has filled. As he rests in the cool water you bring a cloth and soak it to pat on his neck and chest before placing it on his forehead. He grabs your wrist and pulls your hand to place a kiss there as he looks into your eyes.

He has never been cared for in this way and his eyes plead for more. You smile at him and kneel by the basin. You rub his face and neck with the cloth until his eyes close and he relaxes.

Once he is settled you cover your mouth and yawn. He sees you are tired “Go rest I will join you soon” he says and you place a kiss to his forehead.

You return to bed exhausted and fall back into a deep sleep. When Feyds body cools down he joins you in bed soon afrer and holds your waist kissing behind your ear enamored. He finally closes his eyes and falls asleep.

Only Pleasure Remains

It is the morning of Feyd’s battle reconnaissance on Arrakis.He will be going to the front lines to kill the remaining Fremen and rally the troops. His heart beats wildly as he prepares. Once fully in his armor he kneels down to caress your face. He might die today from a strategic attack, so he makes sure you see him leave “See me off Baroness” he says smiling as you open your eyes.

You reach up and cup his face and he pulls you from the sheets into a hug. His hard armor presses into the softness of your body. You hold his head around his ears making him lock eyes with you.

“You will prove your honor and then you will come back to me” you command him and he smiles giving you a chaste kiss. You know he is going to love every second of murdering today. He is in full military gear this time with a flowing regal cape.

You quickly cleanse your mouth and get dressed. You leave with him to the greeting hall where his top military advisors and brother are assembled and waiting.

You walk hand in hand trailed by your servants. You stop the procession and pull him into a kiss before he enters the greeting hall. He accepts your passionate kiss and pets down your hair. When you release his lips as your heart beats wildly youare terrified for him. “Do you feel nervous?” You ask feeling the uncertainty of warfare second hand.

He smiles staring into your eyes “I was born to be this” he confesses. It give you some reprieve that his words are true, his bloodline was bred for centuries to create a supreme being.

The servants open the greeting hall doors and you watch Feyd join his brother and his men. He looks back to you and smiles his cape unfurling as he turns with his commanding walk leaving to the underground warships cargo of the palace.

You stand at the greeting hall floor to ceiling windows and wait. After a moment his armada can be seen emerging from the base of the palace. The ships hover in place before setting the course to their destination and jettisoning off.

As the ships trail over the horizon your heart aches with uncertainty as you await Feyds return.

Flying south across the desert Feyd sees several structures in rubble with smoke billowing from them. “The death of our enemy by your hand brother “Rabban yells to Feyd over the loud engine of the craft. Looking into the horizon Feyd sees hundreds of billowing stacks of smoke.

They approach a large intact rock structure at the barrier of the north territory and the craft lands. Feyd exits the craft as his military strategist informs him they have rounded up the remaining Fremen who are most likely spies left behind.

Feyd plans to kill them all.

“Where?” He asks as they enter the structure. It is a cave with several rooms, one of them filled with messenger birds that a Harkonnen soldier crisps to death with a flame accelerator.

The military strategist escorts Feyd to the Fremen spies who are lined up on their knees in a single row. The large cave is overcrowded with Harkonnen soldiers for Feyds protection.

Feyd walks approaching the Fremen spies slowly. He eyes each of them in the line. “Are there more of you?” He asks. None of them respond, instead they hold their heads up in defiance.

“These are all that could be found alive Baron Feyd Rautha” his military strategist confirms

“Then I already know everything that I need to know” Feyd says staring at the first spy on his knees.

Feyd unsheathes his blade. The first spy sensing his certain death stands and lunges Feyd who easily slices him across his throat. The spy collapses to the ground gurgling on his blood as he expires.

The other spies begin to panic breathing rapidly looking to each other in fear knowing death is imminent.

Feyd gestures a solider to bring him the flame accelerator. His Harkonnen soldiers step from behind the spies and gather around Feyd to behold the mercilessness of their new Baron.

“Only pleasure remains” he announces clutching the trigger. It douses the spies in flaming liquid making them combust. The accelerant ignites their bodies into glowing torches illuminating the cave. All the soldiers hear the Fremens screams cut off as they burn alive disintegrating into char.

Feyd knows this is one of the most painful way to die. Once the other Fremen find these charred remains it will strike fear and respect into the inhabitants of the planet for the entirety of his reign.

This is the first of many strongholds they must clear today. Killing all who remain and securing control of the north.

Two Ways to Die

As you settle for bed you still have not heard of Feyd’s return. You feel anxious and slide open the balcony doors to view the desert for any signs of incoming crafts forgetting the rules set in place by Feyd. The night air is swelteringly hot as you scan the horizon.

There is a sudden knock at the main chamber door as you close the balcony. It is one of your assassins who knocks on your bedroom door. “I’ve been informed you’re not allowed on the balcony Barnoness ” he relays after you open it. You nod in agreement and close the bedroom door back . You are being watched at all times while Feyd is away.

You awaken a few hours later when there is activity in the main chamber. You hear Feyds voice speaking to the guards. You rush from the bedroom to the main chamber and see him. His eyes are emotionless as you run to hug him.

He is covered streaks of blood and it makes you gasp. He releases your hold on him “Wait for me in the bed chamber” he says clutching your wrists to keep your hands unsullied. He releases your wrists and you go to wait. He continues speaking with your assasind before dismissing them to the hall for the remainder of the night.

You pace looking to the bed chamber doors waiting. He finally enters and you notice the dark blood on his neck “You’re hurt!” You exclaim.

He is exhausted and keeps you at bay holding his hand out “Sit and wait for me I have already been treated by the palace healer ” he reassures you as he gestures you to sit. He walks to the decontamination chamber room and closes the door.

You wait anxiously until he emerges. Once he is clean you rush him again to check his body.

You see the bruises on his back and abs but the worst is the lengthy cut on his neck.

You trace your finger along the line, it is sealed shut. “Feyd what happened?” You ask finally looking into his eyes full of concern.

He walks you to the bed and sits pulling you onto his lap conserving his strength. He brings your hand to his temple to comfort him with your energy.

He closes his eyes and you observe his stressed face relax as you transfer calmness into his mind. He opens his eyes to gaze in yours and you see the softness return to them as he slowly begins revealing what happened.

“We were ambushed at one of the final strongholds” he admits. Your eyes widen in disbelief that he was attacked.

“The Fremen I fought to the death kneed me throughout as we struggled to gain the blade. I angled to allow him a slice to my neck and regained the handle once he extended his wrist. A small sacrifice to secure victory“ he admits with a weak smile. Your heart spirals knowing that he was in life threatening danger.

“In that moment just as in the arena when I felt death was near I laughed because I already have everything set in place to keep you safe forever should I die. I have always known I will not live long in this lif- - .”

You hug him to your chest to stop his morbid words. You don’t want to hear him say another utterance of his death it makes you emotionally fall apart.

You remove your robe from your shoulders and settle on to his lap. Both of you naked as you clutch his jaw and kiss every thought out of his head.

He relaxes into your kisses and lays back flat on the bed holding you to him never breaking the connection of your lips. He trails his hands up your spine settling them to the nape of your neck.

An idea returns to his mind of the only two ways he wants to die; one is in ultimate submission to you.

He pulls your face from his and gazes into your eyes. “I want to submit myself to you” he says sliding his hands to your hips lifting them up. He pulls you forward until your pussy hovers over his face. “I want to give myself only for your pleasure” he confesses

He trails his hands up to your waist and eagerly pulls you down onto his wanting mouth.

Once you settle on his face between your legs you tilt your head back and moan his name. He has never submitted to you in this way before and it completely ignites your sexual passion for him.

You fall forward and grip the sheets as he begins eating you mercilessly lapping your folds sucking them and jutting his chin up with every flick of his tongue. You are shaking and screaming in pleasure as your core tightens overwhelmed with his skill.

He groans against your folds and replaces his hands to cup your hips guiding you up and down on his mouth making you ride his face as he pushes his tongue into your entrance.

You grind against his mouth until your thighs tremble as you moan and orgasm. Your core releases the clear liquid arousal of your cum directly into his wanting mouth. His eyelids flutter in obsession lapping up your arousal in pure bliss. He licks you clean and pushes his tongue into your entrance prodding for more.

The only two ways he would choose his death; Being fatally stabbed by an expert fighter or being suffocated between your thighs devouring your sweet cunt until he expires.

Once you orgasm and have no cum left to give he grips the back of your thighs and quickly rolls on top of you. He climbs your body and settles between your legs. He lines his cock and plunges into your soft wet entrance. You are completely primed for him and he sinks deeply inside of you as he groans in pleasure.

You moan at the stretch of his large his size before you cry out at the way he fucks you.

He pounds into you grunting and spreading your thighs apart with his hands. He holds them back to increase his pleasure. He is so high from submitting to you and having you ride his face until you came that he is relentless.

His cock is painfully hard as he thrusts into your tight walls. He clenches his thighs to push himself even deeper. You two pant and moan in unison as he quickens his thrusts going harder wanting to cum.

He looks at your face full of passion beneath him and you see the intensity in his eyes of how much he loves you. It is immeasurable.

You reach up grab his neck pulling him down into a kiss. You lock your lips with him as he rocks into you with his thrusts. His hips falter and he deeply moans into your mouth as he begins releasing his warm cum in to you. He breaks the kiss but you bite his lower lip making him stay and he cums even harder.

You wrap your legs around his waist to prevent him from slamming you into the bed and it intensifies his pleasure even more, keeping him fully inside of you as he empties his pulsing cock. He finally slows his thrusts to a stop.

He shudders as he stares down at you catching his breath. It was one of his most fulfilling sexual experiences he’s had with you and you both smile at each other in recognition.

He lifts his hips and slips out of you rolling on to his back trying to slow his breaths.

You are both covered in sweat your sex making the room increase in temperature.

You know he is hot and leave the bed to fill the sand stone basin. Once it is full you stop the valve. He hears it and comes to get in the cool water. As he steps he holds your hand to join him, helping you over the ledge.

He settles down in the water and has you lay your back against his chest. As he holds you firm to him, you both of you rest your eyes enjoying the intimate moment.

He trails his hand along your shoulder before finally breaking the silent moment. “Ask your Doulah how soon after the first can I fill you with a second.” You laugh at his eager request and how much he wants to have more children with you.

Flipping over in the water you rest on his chest with your arms around his neck. You gaze into his impatient eyes as you answer resolutely “Feyd Rautha first you must have this one” he grins and flips you over to rest your back on his chest again. His hands slide down around your womb beneath the water cradling you with his first unborn. He can not wait to have his children with you.

The Final Days

Feyds powers increase exponentially. He begins bombing raids on large structures in the south of Arrakis killing hundreds of thousands. The inhabitants of the planet submit to him completely to save what remaining ancient holy structures they have left.

They believe no matter who controls the planet that one day their Muad’Dib will rise and avenge the catastrophes Feyd Rautha has caused their people.

Without interference from the Fremen the Harkonnen army begins to run the harvesters untouched increasing Spice production exponentially.

When Feyd frees the hold on Spice his wealth soon surpasses that of the emperors. He uses his excess riches and status to coerce and bribe other members of the great houses. The calculating Feyd Rautha becomes untouchable.

Feyds upgraded quarters are substantially luxurious on Giedi Prime. The bed frame is carved from the black Harkonnen stone of purity.

There is a seating room, a sauna, a spa, and a room to entertain guests with a balcony that stretches the entire length of the suite.

Due to his constant concerns of your safety he requested you remain there for the final weeks of your pregnancy ensuring everything you needed was provided for.

When Feyd returns after his Baron duties he always seeks you out embracing you like he hasn’t seen you in days. He is running several interplanetary campaigns as well improving the world for his people. He cherishes the calm quiet moments you can spend together.

He wants the same thing each time after he bathes. He hugs you from behind running his hands over your full breasts and your womb whispering gently in your ear about how beautiful you look carrying his unborn until he makes you smile.

Then he would help you lay on the bed and place his ear against your womb. At first he would thump it with his fingers it summon the unborn until you told him just to use his voice instead and placed his hand were you knew he would feel the kicks.

He was infatuated feeling his unborn respond to him. He would pull your hand to his head forcing you to send him calming energy and would often fall asleep exhausted in your lap with his hand resting on your womb this way. Other nights he wanted more.

The first instance when you felt the dull ache that wouldn’t dissipate during sex you grabbed his arm begging him to stop as you tried to recover from the pain. The penetration of his large cock became too painful. He immediately withdrew himself and held you in his arms caressing you until you felt the pain subside.

You still craved him but in a much softer way and he understood. You were sacred to him and he couldn’t get enough of you but he would forgo his pleasure for your own.

Having you sit up he would stack pillows behind your back and worship your body trailing kisses down your neck to your chest sucking each of your nipples into his mouth.

He would continue down your belly massaging the sides before gently settling between your legs. He would pleasure you slowly and carefully sliding his fingers in and out of you coaxing the swollen firmness within that made you fall apart for him within seconds.

His favorite part was your new taste his breathing would become heavier waiting for the exact moment you clenched on his fingers as you came. He would lap up your arousal which was so sweet to him like nectar.

His cock would painfully harden as he made you cum and he tasted it.

When he pleasured himself for you he would always let you watch. Often he would squeeze one of your full breast in his hand as he came or have you press your fingers to his temple and illicit him with pain to release his cum.

After he orgasmed he would clean his hands and take the pillows from behind your back turning you on your side. As he lay behind you he would kiss the back of your head and place his hand on your womb as you slept.

He knew anyday the unborn would be arriving. When it was dark in the stillness of night he would be awakened by the unborns firm kicks against his hand. They were so powerful now.

A Royal Decree

When Feyd is summoned by royal decree to Kaitan to meet with the Emperor he is enraged at the timing during your most fragile state of pregnancy. As you load onto the warship he fears for your safety and health on Kaitan but he can not leave you on Geidi Prime he knows you will birth his heir any day and he will not miss it. He brings his best militants and assassins with your Doulah.

The Emperor assures him they have the most skilled midwife in the galaxy should complications arise. He knows that the child is protected by the Bene Gessirit as one of the most highly sought after bloodlines to create a supreme being in history. He welcomes Feyd with open arms.

As you arrive to Kaitan you are mystified. You look at the expanse of the lush green planet in all directions as you fly to the palace. The craft descends at its destination and you see the infamous palatial waterfalls similar to the ones were you used to study.

You become excited and squeeze Feyds hand as he rests next to you in the space craft lounge. You haven’t seen your home world in almost a year but it feels like a lifetime.

You and Feyd exit the craft together escorted by two advisors, three assassins, and a flank of his most skilled Harkonnen warriors stationed behind him.

The palace greeter is shocked by Feyds entourage it is like an Emperor’s“ Greetings Baron and Baroness Harkonnen I am Pitri” The greeter says as he warily eyes your full pregnancy “The Emperor apologizes for requesting your presence at such an inconvenient time but some rather alarming accusations have come to light that must be addressed in person. I’m sure you will come to understand. I will show you to your quarters.” He announces.

You walk through the grandiose palace to reach the guest suites and are shown to your accommodations. Two of your Bene Gessit sisters wait at the door to welcome your arrival they approach you in jubilation. They are pushed back by the assassins ready to unsheathe their swords.

Feyd snaps his fingers and smiles as they release the startled females. Exactly the protection he wants for his Baroness. “May we approach Baroness Harkonnen” they bow and ask correctly the second time. You nod and smile as they come to hug you. They marvel over your garments and your rings.

Feyd leaves one guard with you and waits as the assassins clear the room of any threats.

Once they clear the room you are permitted to enter. Your sisters pull your hands gently guiding you inside. Your eyes widen at the extravagance of the room is like its own small palace. Pillars in the entry way make you look up to a hand painted mural of the palatial gardens

The room itself is open to a palace lake. Round awnings are decorated with curtains that billow in the wind. The room is completely open to an outside garden.The theme is turquoise and gold decorations throughout the colors are bright and fanciful every room is filled with fresh fruit and decorative bouquets of flowers.

You are quite exhausted from the trip but your sisters beckon you to sit with them in the enormous living room and you oblige.

As you rest on a sofa together they can’t help but caress your belly. “When does the unborn kick?” Your sister Freya asks feeling the round firmness pressing her ear to your womb “Very often at night” you say wearily.

“How has Baron Feyd Rautha been during your pregancy. The rumors of Giedi Prime men and their treatment of females is atrocious.” Delphine says making a wary face toward Feyd while he is speaking with his advisor.

You smile looking down at your belly trailing your hand around it “He has surprisingly been obsessed with me and his unborn” you admit as you blush. They smile with you. ”He has even broached the topic lightly in meetings with his advisors about the evolving roles of females on Giedi Prime. I fear if he isn’t careful some will assume a female might be in control of him” you tease making the three of you giggle together in secret.

Feyd’s advisor informs him the Revered Mother has requested your company in isolation. He immediately dismisses it. “I do not know this female. The risk is too great here she can come to Giedi Prime where I can guarantee the safety of the Baroness” he says in a set tone. His advisor bows and arranges to send the correspondence.

The Emperor has requested a private meeting with Feyd over dinner that evening which intrigues him more. As you speak to your sisters he prepares for the occasion.

When you notice he has retreated to get changed you bid your sisters farewell.

Once they leave you head to the master suite joining Feyd and close the door. You rest back on the ornate canopy bed with your arms splayed at your sides The garden breeze blows through the room bringing the sweet scent of florals. You feel heavy and physically exhausted you can no longer get up and use your remaining energy to turn on your side instead.

Feyd emerges from the wardrobe room dressed regally in a black high collar shirt with a cape. Pinned to the front is his Baron Medallion.

He walks over to you and smiles, seeing you are unable to remain awake he caresses your face. “I will call your servants to attend to you I want you to rest until I get back” he says gently as your heavy eyelids shut. This is normal behavior for you now. He knows his powerful unborn is harvesting all of your energy he caresses your womb before he leaves to have dinner with the Emperor.

The Emperor

Feyd walks the enormous palace to the throne room with two of his Harkonnen guards. They are stopped at the doors by the Emperial solidiers, only Feyd is permitted to enter.

He looks around the large dome space of the throne room in its impressive grandeur. There is no one in sight. He eyes the throne of the Emperor and takes a few paces toward its golden steps before a familiar voice stops him.

“Baron Feyd Rautha my how you’ve grown.” Princess Irulan says as she approaches him.

She swishes her elaborate silver gown as she walks over to study the mystifying man before her with appealing interest.

She pleasantly smiles as they greet. “The last I’d seen you was ages ago. I remember it distinctly…you were so excited to show me one of your new blades…of course my servants ushered me away. ‘He’s a dangerous child they warned me, but I found you to be very sweet.” She says fondly smiling from the memory looking at how handsome he’s become.

“I have no memory of this “ Feyd admits

“You were but a boy about this tall” she measures to his chest at his Barons medallion then looks into his striking blue eyes. “But you’ve grown much bigger since then.” She admits with an alluring smile, she slowly encircles Feyd looking over his regal clothing and his strong physique before standing in front of him again with a mysterious smile.

“I was dismayed I couldn’t attend your gladiatorial event I would’ve loved to see you wield the blades you are so fond of.” she sighs “From what I hear you performed valiantly and then had quite the time at your birthday celebration….before……your uncle unexpectedly expired the next morning...” she shares.

Princess Irulan approaches him closer to check his eyes trying to discern if he actually killed his own uncle.

“It must have been bitter sweet” she says gazing deeper into his eyes as she presses her hands to smooth the front of his cape. Feyd takes a small step back due to her comfort in his proximity.

“Your father had me summoned here why are you the one who greets me?.” He asks tilting his head in curiosity.

She studies his stoic demeanor wondering how she can crack him to bend to her will. She finally pinpoints a weakness and ignores his question to interrogate him.

“Knowing your infamous lust for power it seems all too convenient doesn’t it? Your uncle falling ill as soon as my father deems you the worthy Baron of Geidi Prime?” She says tracing her fingertip around his Baron Medallion.

Feyd can no longer stand her incessant talking and veiled threats “Where is the Emperor?” He snaps. His dominance excites her and she stares at him with an unwavering intensity having never been talked down to.

She tries to gain his favor with sympathy .“My father is frail. He wasn’t feeling well this morning. He and I were supposed to meet you in the throne room together but look he is still at the out door dinner table set up for us, just there” she points and Feyd sees the frail old man being helped to sit back down at the head of the table in the palatial gardens.

“My father is a very proud man he will walk to you eventually but let’s make it easier and walk to him together through the garden shall we?.“ she requests looking at Feyd with kind eyes.

He cares nothing for the old man but walks to make the meeting faster.

Princess Irulan slips her hand around Feyds arm as they walk, he immediately releases her hold stepping aside as they continue on their path. “It is impolite for a guest to refuse an escort to the Princess in the palace” she corrects him.

“I do not entertain the wishes of a princess” he responds clasping his hands behind his back as they walk together. She smiles enjoying the way he challenges her.

“Typical Harkonnen male unassuming of the power a female can weild“ she says pulling his arm and replacing her hand around it.

“My title holds more power over yours in every way possible Baron Feyd Rautha you will do as I say” she commands. It burns Feyd on the inside to be talked to in such a way but he does not show it.

He clearly sees through her veiled attempts to control him for her benefit. Her dress her mannerisms the way she continues to stare longingly at him holding his arm. All signs the Emperor is desperate to arrange a marriage between them.

Feyd knows the mysterious leak of Vladimir Harkonnens documentation of the ordered Atreides genocide must have reached Kaitan by now.

With the correspondences traced directly from the palace ordering the attack on Caladan, the Emperor must be aware his reign is coming to an end.

As they both approach Emperor Shaddam smiles. He is a frail old man with white hair and a stoic face. He wear an extravagant shimmering white tunic with gold adornments.

“Feyd Rautha! Ah my mistake Baron Feyd Rautha I haven’t seen you since you were a boy” he exclaims “I’ve already told him father “ Princess Irulan says flatly. ”You look very handsome with my Princess Irulan on your arm why did you ever go back on that proposal negotiation! I would adore to call you my son in law.” The Emperor reveals.

“You both know why” Feyd Rautha admits shooting them glances and removing Princess Irulans hand the final time before he continues.

“What I want to know is why you can’t even bring yourself to acknowledge her, my Baroness.” he says eyes glaring between them. It enrages him that they think of him without you.

The Emperor puts his hands up to calm the situation “Baron we are aware of her yes and her condition we are just confused. Your uncle informed us you needed her to procure an heir but due to high incompatibility you would be sending her back here to Kaitan.” The Emperor reveals. Feyd tries to hide the impact of the shocking blow of the Emperors revalation by shifting his jaw.

Princes Irulans passions increase for Feyd seeing he is truly in love, this is his weakness. She watches him fidget with his signet ring clearly distressed and thinking about his Baroness. She is used to cold political marriages and power dynamics. Seeing a Harkonnen male with his heart strung for a female stirs something inside of her.

She thought him to be masculine and domineering which excites her. But the handsome man who stands before her is also intelligent and loyal with extreme wealth and honor. She must have him.

“The Baroness is my wife and her child is my heir” Feyd proclaims.

The Emperor puts his hands up in acknowledgment “I see that there has definitely been a misunderstanding. Irulan my lovely daughter, you will not be joining us for dinner” The emperor informs her. Princess Irulan lifts her chin in frustration, she is used to getting her way.

She approaches her father and kisses his cheek bidding him farewell. She smiles to Feyd “My father is a kind man unlike your uncle, what a shame, House Harkonnen could have held such a powerful union.”she says alluringly.

Feyd lifts his chin with a sinister gaze “ If you so desire to be betrothed into House Harkonnen so be it. Emperor Shaddam set forth the arrangements to marry Princess Irulan with my brother Rabban” her eyes widen in shock. Rabban is a brutal impulsive butcher she does not desire him at all.

Feyd enjoys the fear in her eyes and holds back his smile as the Emperor actually mulls it over.

Before he can utter a word Princess Irulan cuts in. “Father we must speak with the Reverend Mother on such arrangments” she says quickly.

Her father nods in agreement. “You are correct as always on these matters my precious daughter” he says taking her hand and patting it. She looks to her father and then longingly at Feyd bidding them farewell for the evening.

The emperor rests back down in his chair at the head of the table clearly tired from the exertion of merely standing. He gestures Feyd to take the seat at his right as a servant pulls the chair for him.

A meal of fresh herb filet is plated infront of them. Feyd cuts into the fish and brings a piece to his mouth. He enjoys the texture and the soft flavor he has never had fish before.

The Emperor gets straight to the topic at hand seeing Feyd is swift and precise at cutting through conversations.

“It has come to light that the atrocities committed on Caladan that wiped out the Atreides were premeditated .” He sighs.

“You mean the affairs of my uncle?” Feyd questions with his hands clasped already distancing himself from collusion.

“Yes unfortunately so, as you are aware it was ordered by my hand and now I will be tried in front of a tribunal of the great houses…..” the Emperor puts down his fork and looks into Feyds eyes.

“Baron Feyd Rautha my reign has come to an end, my sins have caught up with me. What I have done I chose to do. Every sacrifice I made led me to the path which I was foretold would benefit mankind. Do you understand the weight of such a decision?” the Emperor implores.

“Do I understand the weight of ordering a genocide to suppress the power of a competent rival ?“ Feyd asks throwing the Emperor’s sins directly back in his face.

“Yes …yes that is why you have been summoned you will be as I am, you will have what I have in leadership. The decisions I made were all guided by the Bene Gessirit. Have you met the Reverend mother yet?” The emperor asks with piqued curiosity

“I have not“ Feyd admits. The Emperor thinks on his answer. “If you have come this far without meeting her, then she already controls you” the Emperor says with a warning glare that falters Feyds confidence. The old man says it with such a depth of sincerity it cannot be false.

“What exactly does the Reverend Mother want” Feyd asks with a newfound curiosity.

“What they all want power and control. One will replace the other but they all twist fate to their benefit to create the ultimate being. A human able to see past present and future. Even the highest Bene Gesserit, the Reverend Mother can only see the past.

Baron have you known you carry the superior bloodline? Your Baroness is in fact a Bene Gesserit as are the multitude of women who infiltrated your family for centuries to breed…do you understand that this is why they want your child?

Feyd sits back in shock he cares not of what the Bene Gesserit want. “What will happen to my child?” Feyd asks leaning back in fully invested with his only concern.

The Emperor thinks it over before coming to his conclusion. He leans in closer to Feyd as he speaks. “Baron what I tell you can not be interfered with. They have ways to make men do unspeakable things if you turn against them. Before I knew you had an attachment I would have willingly told you, now that I know you love the mother and child… Baron I must be honest, with your traumatic family history I fear for your mental sanity when I share the news.”

Feyd takes a deep breath and asks resolutely

“What will happen to my child”

The Emperor looks to the sky and then stressfully relents

“If your infant is female she will be taken from her mother at birth indoctrinated in the ways of the Bene Gesserit. She will be completely ignorant of her parentage and will be raised in complete secrecy. Ultimately she will become ..a bedding concubine … a pleasure slave for the male who will impregnate her with a son to secure the bloodline. The Bene Gesserit breed only to have females. This would make your grandson the rarest male Bene Gesserit of all, the Kswis Haderach that has been awaited for centuries”

Feyds breathing increases wondering if you know they will take the newborn at birth and if his uncle designed every detail of this plan with the Bene Gessirit. He remembers his uncle never thought he would be invested in marriage and wanted you sent away during your pregnancy. His heart pounds rapidly at the complications now.

“You say the Bene Gessirit favor the birth of females what if my unborn is male?”he asks. The Emperor thinks back before he responds.

“There was such an instance directly linked to you Baron Feyd Rautha. Your compatible mate was to be born in the House Atreides.You would have fathered the Kswish Haderisck you were meant to have a son.”

Feyd is shocked by the admission and listens to the Emperor further.

“Lady Jessica defied the order and birthed a boy named Paul with Duke Leto Atreides making your union incompatible. This is the center of it all the Bene Gesserit will have to wait another generation for your daughter to birth the Kswis Haderach which should have been your son.”

“Now what will happen if my unborn a male?” Feyd requestions.

“He will be an abomination to the Bene Gesserit just as Paul Atreides they will want nothing to do with him” the Emperor reveals.

Feyd sits back in silence realizing his cursed Harkonnen lineage continues. If he has a daughter she will be ignorant of her parentage just as he never knew his father and mother.

The painful memory of Feyds childhood floods his mind entirely. He clutches his head in mental anguish no longer able to contain the agony and stress he’s carried deep inside for so long. He rocks back and forth and squeezes his eyes shut in dispar, his bloodline has already cursed his unborn.

That fateful day on Lankerville when Rabban killed their father Feyd Rautha was there.

Matricide

The ship carrying the Baron with Rabban and Feyd landed on the planet Lankerville.

The Baron remained in the craft with the young Feyd while Rabban went to speak with their father.

Feyd was seven years old, a very quiet and clever boy. Vladimir had Feyd rested upon his lap holding him closely petting him affectionately.

The Baron knew the day would come when he would need to punish his brother Abulurd for renouncing the Harkonnen name and tying to hide away with his sons.

What better way to deliver justice on such a dishonor than to have his brothers sons raised as Harkonnens to return and deliver it.

Years prior he easily tracked down his fleeing brother Abulurd with his Bene Gesserit wife. The Baron generously offered his brother the planet Lankerville to show no ill will.

But soon as Arbulurd arrived on Lankerville with his wife and sons the Baron ordered his Harkonnen guards to clutch baby Feyd out of his mother’s arms and collect the teenaged Rabban.

He took his brothers sons for his crime of renouncing the Harkonnen name.

Their mother screamed at the Baron for interfering with the plans of the Bene Gesserit and how he would pay for his actions. The Baron hated the woman she was the reason his brother fled in the first place, she had poisoned Abulurds mind. He wished to dispatch of her in that instant. But he knew letting her live with the fact her sons, birthed for the Bene Gessirts, weretaken would be a fate worse than death.

The Baron adored Feyd from the instant the guard placed him in his waiting arms.The babies eyes were crystal blue and he smelled of fresh powder. The Baron bonded to him instantly. He snuggled baby Feyd and offered his pinky for the small outstretched hand to hold. A son not of his loins but a Harkonnen he would raise as his own.

He called out to the fourteen year old Rabban who was still struggling against the guards with all of his might.

With his father and mother surrounded by Harkonnen soldiers as he spoke to the young Rabban and held baby Feyd “Your father is a traitor to the Harkonnen name and for his dishonor you will be raised with me to learn your heritage. This is the only reason I spare your parents lives today.” the Baron admits.

Rabban stopped his struggling then to look at his parents. Both of them never favored him and his head hung low as they did not even go against what was happening.

The Baron smiled seeing Rabbans dismay “I will make you a brave warrior Glassu Rabban you will command the respect of hundreds of thousands in my army and perhaps even rule Geidi prime” the Baron offered.

Baby Feyd made a small sound then and the Baron cood at him snuggling him closer. “What is it my little prince” he said petting the softness of Feyd’s crown.

Rabbans voice spoke up “I will go with you and I will do as you ask” he was teary eyed as his parents remained silent. The guards released him and he willingly followed the Baron from his home looking back at his parents who stood with their heads low.

As they entered the space craft he finally heard their cries of agony. “Have you killed them!” Rabban asked stunned “No no for what they have done being alive is a fate far worse than death” The Baron informed Rabban while adoring the sleeping Infant Feyd in his arms.

Seven years later Abulurd began defying the Baron at every instance as the governor of Lankerville.

The correspondence he was using the planets tax money to help the poor was the final act of disobedience that brought swift action. The Baron announced he would be arriving personally on Lankerville to punish his brother.

Abulurd had been waiting for this instance. He was not helping the poor with the tax money but instead had purchased a small army to kill his brother for taking his sons in an attempt to rescue them back.

When the Baron landed on the planet their crafts were heavily ambushed. The Baron had brought double his armada already sensing it was a trap his craft was quickly protected.

Rabbans anger was at its peak looking at the Baron who sat in his chair waiting for the lasgun fire to cease. “How dare he defy you! “ Rabban yelled hearing the beams blast the hull of the craft. Rabban growled as he paced waiting for the doors to unload to take his father’s life as the Baron requested.

Feyd sat calmly on the Barons lap watching his brother and six guards charge out of the craft once the gunfire had ceased.

A solider reported to the raging Rabban that the two traitors they were asked to detain were bound inside. The rest of the rebels had been slain. Rabban charged into the governors mansion.

“You are a traitor to the Harkonnen name “

Rabban had yelled as he punched his kneeling and bound father knocking him to the ground in the throne room.

His mother wailed seeing Rabban had become what she always feared, an impulsive raging monster “where is Feyd Rautha let me see my son”she begged.

Rabban ignored her and as his father tried to explain why he defied the Baron Rabban cut him short and strangled his father to death.

When his mother saw her husband killed at the hands of their own son who was trying to save him she couldn’t bear reality anymore and went insane. She bolted trying to escape the throne room but was quickly caught and brought back by on of the Harkonnen warriors that surrounded her.

“Do you want to see your favorite son?” Rabban asked taunting her knowing what the Baron had in store for his most hated Bene Gesserit. ”Gag her.” he ordered before she could speak and the guards bound her mouth shut having her kneel again.

As the screams of his mother grew louder from the mansion Feyd climbed from his uncle lap to see the commotion. “This is what happens to traitors of the Harkonnen name who dishonor their ancestors the very blood that runs through your veins Feyd Rautha.” He told the boy as he took his hand to bring him into the mansion throne room.

Feyd did not recognize his own mother bound with her mouth gagged and kneeling on the ground. She gasped when she saw him and struggled to speak with her mouth obstructed.

The Baron handed the boy his favorite new blade. Feyd approached the woman yanking her head back by the hair. She was calm and did not scream or fight like the others, she willingly gave herself to him staring into his eyes as he slit the blade across her throat.

“Feyd that was our mother” Rabbans voice announced as he stood over the body of their father watching the lives they knew be severed forever.

The Baron quickly tried to pull Feyd away but the boy broke from the Barons grasp and began screaming as he dropped to his knees clutching his mothers dying body.

For the first time Feyd cried. It was so loud and tormenting his brother kneeled by his side and squeezed his frail shoulders not knowing how to calm him.

Rabban began rambling all of the rhetoric engrained in his mind by the Baron “Our mother and father betrayed everything Harkonnen do you realize the sacrilege our father committed. He dishonored our very blood line he tried to steal us from our birthright. Even today he planned an ambush to kill Uncle Vladimir!” Rabban yelled.

Feyd had gone catatonic with his arms clutched around his mother’s neck. Rabban shook him hard yet he did not stir from her body “She never cared for us Feyd let her go. She was Bene Gesserit.... Look at how she tricked our father.” he gestured to the body of the dead man behind him.

But Feyd having been traumatized for the entirety of his young life was mentally gone. After all of his training this is the death that shattered his frail mind.

“Come with me and uncle we have served justice for our ancestors today. We will pray for their forgiveness in the old manner, we can leave this place the traitors are gone brother” Rabban pleaded.

Feyds were black as if his spirit had left from his body. He stared straight ahead motionless as his chin rested on his mother’s head. Rabban rested his hand on his brothers neck to check his pulse, he was alive. Rabban then looked to the Baron

”He has gone into shock.” Rabban said once he realized why his brother could no longer react.

The Baron sneered at Rabban

“I trained him so well for this moment and you had to tell him it was his mother?”

Rabban was confused. “I thought he should know as I know for our Harkonnen honor.” he confessed.

“He would have known in time until then she would have been just another female. Your Impulsive ignorance has always greatly disappointed me Rabban. You have caused a fracture in his core persona that can only be filled with more depravity, or he will be the most sympathetic Harkonnen the planet has ever seen. Carry him to the ship” the Baron commanded and Rabban scooped up Feyds limp body taking him to the craft heading back to Giedi Prime.

Now in the presence of the Emperor Feyd has a full mental break down. His head is clutched in his hands as he breaths wildly feeling unable to replace the air in his lungs. He suffers in pain as his mind flashes through the horrific memory that he wants to make stop. He cries out in agony rocking back and forth in his chair unable to regain his mind as the memory has a visceral response.

The Emperor sees the young man is so tormented from his words that he tries to comfort him “Baron Feyd Rautha I warned you with your family history that I feared for your mental sanity. You were only a boy then how could you have known” the Emperor says with sympathy placing his hand on Feyds shoulder.

Feyd smacks the Emperors hand from his shoulder standing up abruptly from his chair and staring at the old man wildly. Feyd stares at his hands in complete disbelief of who he really is and fears he is going insane he flees the Emperor to find his guards.

He finds them at the entrance of the throne room out of breath as he tries to hold himself together. He is covered in a cold sweat shivering and nauseous as he command them weakly “Take me to my Baroness.”

You hear the short wails of Feyd in the hall before the palace suite doors slam open. The guards bring Feyd holding his arms and guide to sit on the couch. He is in severe mental distress holding back tears unable to speak going catatonic.

You rush to him and immediately press your finger tips to his temple as the guards watch. He clings to you then and you stare into his wild eyes as it takes him several moments to calm down. “What is wrong with him? Was he drugged?” You frighteningly ask his captain of the guard. “No Baroness the Baron was not himself after h met with the Emperor he ordered us to bring him directly to you.” They relay.

Your heart sinks as you tend to him. He endured severe mental anguish for quite some his eyes are now trembling as he looks at you. He can never bring himself to say what he has done. Tears begin falling down his cheeks as he loosens his grasp on your arms your calming energy finally taking effect as he relents into unconsciousness.

In the morning you tend to Feyd on the bed where the guards helped place him. He had severe nightmares throughout the night screaming for his mother. You held him comfortingly and transferred calming energy as you whispered to him that he was safe in your arms.

Now as the day beings and sunlight creeps through the suite you are exhausted.

You ask your servant to arrange a meeting or written correspondence with the Emperor. He is the only one who knows what happened to Feyd during the evening.

When the Emperor denies your request you begin to suspect that Feyd is the son that committed matricide and the Emperor will not betray his confidence.

As you look over Feyds sleeping form you hold his hands. A wave of fear and sadness fills your heart. You you wonder how he did it and why.

Your servant knocks again and hands you a second letter that arrived just after the Emperors. It is from your Reverend Mother requesting an urgent meeting within the hour at the atrium of the main palace garden.

You have your servants help you to get dressed for your meeting with her. You transfer more calming energy to Feyds mind as he rests in bed and whisper in his ear that you will come back. You plant a soft kiss to his forehead as you leave him.

Reverend Mother

The palatial gardens are beautiful as the morning light streaks through the trees. Butterflies guide your path as you walk to the location the reverend mother requested. You are trailed by your Doulah and three assassins. Due to her order that you meet in complete privacy you have them wait just out of earshot.

You walk to the garden atrium where you see the Reverend Mother seated in a stone chair with the one across from her open. She gestures you to sit.

She is covered head to toe in black her face hidden behind a beaded veil. She wears the traditional Bene Gesserit headpiece adding to her stature.

These are the same the gardens you used to frolic in as you trained for the order when your loyalties were at the strongest for the Bene Gesserits.

The Reverend Mother looks at you now covered head to toe in black elaborate shimmering fabrics. Your face covered in a sheer veil unable to hide your stunning beauty beneath. The skin on your hands are a paler shade from the toxic conditions on Geidi prime and gold rings cover every finger.

“You are not the innocent I thought would be defiled. You have transformed the defiled into his highest potential.” She finally speaks as you sit across from her.

“Your husband has become quite powerful, as you are aware. His genetics were bred for centuries to create such an excellent specimen, as is his child in your womb.” She gestures at your full pregnancy knowing the time is near.

“Feyd Rautha has changed the course of his destiny, there are very few who can have alternate timelines such as this. With your child we will soon know with precision the outcome of every single shift in time .”

She pauses her words knowing her next piece of information is vital.

“Feyd will be Emperor.”

She proclaims

You let out a sigh of relief. His life ambition will be fulfilled.

“Do your loyalties lie with the Bene Gesserit?“ she asks you with intent shocking you as you try to answer correctly.

“Yes Revered Mother.” You answer quickly

“Then I tell you this in the upmost confidentiality. The Emperor will be dethroned in seven days at the tribunal of the great houses for his war crimes. He will be exiled to Salusa Secundus.

With Feyd Rautha to be Emperor you are now his right hand you will be our direct link to him. Will you follow every command of the order?” She asks directly.

“Yes Revered Mother” you rush to say in agreement.

Your answer sounds uncertain to her ears so she begins to test your loyalty further.

“When you are asked to evoke the Pranu Bindu and paralyze him will you say the word?” She says studying your body for any hint of description.

You squint your eyes to prevent them from showing your fear. “Yes Reverend Mother” you lie.

She has a skill to read description and knows you have lost your loyalty. She realizes Feyd Rautha must have fractured your mind with coercions of his own.

She tests a theory

”When you are pregnant with the second child of Feyd Rautha will you sacrifice it to ensure the success of your first.

The question makes you grip the chair

“Yes revered mother” you quickly lie. Feeling a lump form in your throat.

She looks closer through your veil.

“Your eyes well with tears.” She says poignantly.

You have an emotional outburst due to the stress of the situation “I will serve and continue to serve the order to the best of my ability Reverend Mother” you recite the call to the order but it is too late

She uses the voice on you for the final test if your loyalty.

You feel your head tighten as you answer with pure truth “No revered mother” She releases you from the voice dissapointed.

You take a deep breath and she sees the sadness in your eyes realizing you have fallen in love with him. Her eyes convey her strong disapproval.

The Revered Mother has gathered enough information from your sisters and throughout your pregnancy to know Feyd Rautha will flee and hide you away with his heir just as his mother and father tried to do for him and just as your mother and father tried to do for you.

You will be repeating the cycle of insanity that brought the downfall of both of your family’s and she can not allow that.

Your parents had renounced the royal status of their great house and collected their assets and gold from the treasury fleeing to another planet one month before you were born.

When the Order found you hidden away you were well past the age to be taken, you knew your parents and had formed your own identity.

As they trained you your rebellion was rampant wanting only to be with your mother and father. Your mental and physical abilities were far underdeveloped from the others until adolescence when your gift to control your bodies sexual abilities advanced to a level beyond your training. You could control every cell of your body to induce ovulation, you were unmatched.

In your youth however you were a problem child until the fateful day you were given the news your parents had been poisoned and you would never see them again. From that day forth you had been the most obedient of all.

The Revered Mother stands and leaves your presence to make arrangements to have you taken after the birth of your newborn which she knows will occur on Kaitan.

She can not risk a disruption to secure the bloodline of the Kswis Haderach. She plans to bring you back to the sisterhood and have you indoctrinated to control Feyd and have your newborn to be raised as a Bene Gesserit.

When you are certain she has gone you weep uncontrollably. You are shaken to your core at her words of killing Feyd Rautha and sacrificing your second child.

Once you collect your self. You reach the entrance of the garden and are escorted back to the Palace with your three assassins and your Doulah.

You clutch her arm and hold your womb with care because as you walk you continue to feel sharp pinches of pain in your core which you try to ignore.

Harkonnen Heir

When you reach the palace suite Feyd is dressed and sitting in a chair at the out door awning viewing the lake. The surface shimmers brightly due to the hour and the dancing reflections distract his weakened mind. When your arms slip around his neck he relaxes into you holding your forearm. He tilts his head up to gaze into your eyes and he smiles.

He feels complete now that your have returned to him and stands to hold you. He removes your veil and pulls you close planting a kiss on your forehead and holding you to his chest for a length of time centering himself.

“I thought youd been taken from me” he admits breaking the silence. “Never” you say smiling up at him. “Where did you go?” He asks gently. “I met with the Reverend Mother in the garden.” you confess and his heart sinks as remembers the words of the Emperor. “She will take our unborn and I can not allow that” he confesses.

“She will not.“ You say with confidence. Suddenly you feel a sharp pain in your core and cling to Feyd. You cry out as it intensifies and he helps you to the floor cradling you in his lap as the pain radiates stronger.

You feel the ache travel to your abdomen and you clutch your womb as you wail. The pain is agonizing and Feyd grabs ahold of your hands trying to calm you. He alerts the stunned guard who rushes in to to get your Doulah.

You look into Feyds eyes ”the unborn” you gasp out. “yes our child is arriving soon” he says with a smile to comfort you as he caresses your jaw. He quickly thinks of a way to protect his newborn from being taken.

You arrive in the brightly lit birthing chamber of the Emperial palace. It is a circular room with a large dome roof. Light shines down from a skylight in the dome with windows spaced every few inches apart to allow in the most light. There is only one entrance which is heavily guarded by Feyd soldiers.

You are moved from the transport bed to the birthing bed and propped with pillows to sit upright with your legs apart by the medical assistants. Feyd never releases your hand and remains by your side. Your practiced breathes fill the room doing just as your Doulah trained you.

As your contractions continue to worsen Feyd looks over your body in concern before finally gazing into your eyes. You have never witnessed his striking blue eyes exhibiting such fear before. You want to comfort him but you are in too much pain.

The midwife enters the room clad in the finest fabrics of Kaitan wearing masks with her healers. She conducts her inspection guiding her team with calming authority. Her assistants cut your gown from your body and covering you in a white sheet.

Seeing you are ready she gestures you to push and as you do the pain intensifies. After several pushes the air in the birthing chamber becomes thick with tension there is a complication.

The midwife requests to speak with Feyd separately in the crowded room and he momentarily leaves your side.

“Baron Feyd Rautha her labor is too intense the unborn will not stir” she conveys. Feyd for the first time feels pin pricks of fear all over his body “What can be done” he asks with urgency “We will be able to save both but we must have your permission to ….cut the flesh of the Baroness” she discerns. Feyd is relieved he finds it only fitting a Harkonnen should be cut out as if in combat. He readily agrees.

The palace healers comfort you as the and turn you on your side. They numb the skin of your back and gently place a needle in your spine to dull the lower half of your body from pain and movement.

When they remove the needle and gently lay you back on your pillows you are dizzy and high unable to feel your lower half. There is no more pain and Feyd holds your hand again. He looks down at you and smiles seeing your face is so calm.

“They will cut the unborn out” he says squeezing your hand tighter. You nod feeling the intense high in your body making you feel as if you are floating as you stare at him “Did you give them one of your blades to cut the unborn out.” you ask drugged and he smiles as he shakes his head no and pets back your hair.

The room is stagnant as the midwife applies more injections to the site she will cut. She pricks your belly hard with the knife drawing blood when you do not feel it she continues her incision.

Feyd’s breathing intensifies and his eyes widen in bewilderment as he watches her cut you open. The assistants place their hands on your belly once the incision is made and begin to push the unborn out.

The midwife easily collects the baby and due to its distress quickly cuts the umbilical cord and hands it to a healer.

Feyd sees the motionless grayish blue baby and his heart drops. When he doesn’t hear the cries he grips your hand even tighter in dispair. The healer begins to pat the baby’s back and shift it to clear its lungs as the midwife works to sew you shut.

Finally the cries of the newborn loudly fill the chamber and he sees the baby turn a pink color. Feyd releases the breath he didn’t know he had been holding as his heart swells with emotion.

The healer quickly cleans and wraps the newborn in a black gossamer blanket and places the baby into Feyd’s waiting arms. His eyes widen in awe as he looks at his new baby for the first time.

The infant is magnificent the nose the lips the soft cheeks, he has never seen anything so perfect.

"Our newborn” he whispers looking at the beautiful face feeling the happiness wash over him. He knows you must see right away too and places the baby in your arms but he never removes his hand. You feel the soft head lay on your skin and a wave of love and protectiveness washes over you.

As soon as the newborn feels your skin it reaches its tiny hand out of its bundle. Feyd places his pinky in the newborns grip as it opens its crystal blue eyes. You both let out a gasp at how well the color matches Feyds. The baby stares at you with an intense gaze. “He carries the blood of House Harkonnen." Feyd smiles seeing the resemblance in his son.

"What will you name him?" You ask gazing at the handsomeness of the Harkonnen heir. Feyd waits for the idea to form in his mind momentarily stunted by the enormity of the decision.

“I want him to carry a formidable name that honors mine and begins a new chapter for our lineage.” He confirms placing his hand around the babys soft head holding it lightly

He looks to you as he names your son “Rautha -Dimitri Harkonnen” he declares. It is the name of his maternal grandfather Rautha and his paternal grandfather Dimitri combined. Feyd feels it carries the essence of strength and change befitting of the future ruler.

You tuck your finger under baby Rauthas chin “A worthy name for your son” you smile as Feyd looks to you in agreement.

The news has already spread througout the palace. The reverend mother is dismayed that a second Bene Gesserit has defied the birthing order to have a male. With the Harkonnen genetics in tact she will now search for a compatible female to create the Kswis Haderach.

You knew on that fateful night as you held Feyd sleeping in your arms you wanted to finally escape the Bene Gesserits. You felt they had poisoned your parents all along to keep you and you never forgave them.

You realized having a son would guarantee the safety of your child and to be a Baroness meant your son would one day rule as Baron. All you had to do was keep Feyd pleased.

When you bound him with the Pranu Bindu you chose a word from a pleasant memory in your childhood. One only you would know, and If necessary under dire circumstances would give to the Bene Gessirits.

When Feyds cruelty softened to care on your wedding night you inherently knew he yearned to be nurtured. You strived to care for him and heal his broken psyche ultimately falling in love with him.

Now as the two of you rest together holding your infant you created that night you are overcome with a sense of love and serenity. Feyd presses a kiss to your forehead

"You've given me everything I dreamed of and more" he says marveling at his son’s tiny hand which holds his thumb. You look to Feyd in adoration “You have given me a life I never thought possible. I cherish every moment I have with you Feyd ” you admit caressing his hand which the baby holds.

Baby Rautha slowly drifts to sleep in your arms as you both dote over him “Let me hold him again “ Feyd says with his voice full of compassion.

He slides his hands around baby Rautha and cradles him in his arms. Feyds eyes shine with love as he watches the infant yawn. He presses his face against babies cheek inhaling his sent of sweet milk. You look over at the two of them and smile.

"I love you" Feyd whispers as his eyes briefly look over to yours, his voice is barely audible as he says the words for the first time.

"I love you too, Feyd.“ you finally tell him as your heart overflows with love.

He returns baby Rautha to your arms pressing a kiss to the sleeping infants hand.

Then he stares at your eyes and smiles. He holds your jaw and plants soft kisses on your forehead and on your cheeks finally resting his kiss on your lips.

He leans back and gazes into your eyes with deep devotion as he caresses your jaw. He realizes the three words do not come close to expressing how he truly feels for you but he will say them again and again to express what he can not convey. He is eternally grateful that you are his wife and the mother of his child. He will cherish you for eternity.

War Crimes

After five days of constant care you are strong enough to walk and carry baby Rautha around your palace suite. Your Doulah is nearby remaking the babies cot with fresh gossamer linens, you go to sit on the patio in a newly placed soft arm chair to gaze out at the lake resting baby Rautha in your arms. It is the first morning you have woken up without Feyd.

Before you would open your eyes each day Feyd was already up sitting in the rocking chair with Rautha telling him stories or softly humming Harkonnen war songs to him with his raspy voice.

He preferred you sleep and regain your strength and would dote on the baby at all hours of the night. Anything he couldn’t handle or had yet to learn be would retrieve the Doulah and climb back into bed with you.

He surpassed your skill when it came to swaddle or burp the baby. His technique was flawless as he wrapped baby Rautha into a perfect bundle in the gossamer cloths each time.

After feeding was the only time baby Rautha would make sounds of discomfort. You would try several methods to make him burp before Feyd would signal you to hand him over.

He placed a cloth on his shoulder and picked up baby Rautha gently resting him against his chest. He would pace the room rubbing his small back until the air trapped escaped from his tiny mouth.

He enjoyed fatherhood and as you watched him walk around shirtless holding Rautha it set you at ease. Being a father suited him well and you enjoyed how comfortable he was with his first baby, it made you yearn to fulfill his desire and give him more.

The only reason Feyd was not with you caring for Rautha on this morning is because he was summoned for a meeting with the Emperor.

Feyd sat in the elaborate Emperial office awaiting Emperor Shaddam. He looked around at all of the decorations of conquests for current ruler Shaddam Corrino the IV.

There are books up the walls in shelves as high as the ceiling. A large globe and a telescope are placed near the windows with a view of the palatial waterfalls. Hundreds of trophy’s and relics decorate display cases and pedestals around the room. The planet has been ruled for decades by one man and the magnitude of accumulated objects in his office reflect his reign.

Feyd hears the doors open to the office and stands as Emperor Shaddam enters holding the arm of his daughter Princess Irulans arm for balance.

He gestures Feyd to sit as he is ushered around his desk. He is helped to sit in his gilded chair by Princess Irulan. She kisses her fathers cheek then look up to Feyd “Congratulations on the birth of your son Baron Feyd Rautha “ she says pleasantly with a smile.

Feyd nods in acknowledgement and the Emperor kindly pats her hand “ Thank you my dear that will be all “he says. She smiles at her father and then to Feyd before gracefully leaving the room and shutting the doors.

“How are you feeling “ the Emperor asks with a light smile seeing the tiredness in Feyd’s eyes. “ I am well” Feyd responds briskly “ and the Baroness?” The Emperor implores more. “She is fine” Feyd answers feeling a joy in his heart at your acceptance. “And last but not leastthe excitement of the palace Rautha Dimitri Harkonen!” He says happily clasping his hands together with a jubilant smile. Finally Feyd smirks beaming with pride. “ he is my honor and heir” Feyd remarks fondly.

“Well I don’t want to keep you from them during such a precious time so I will get straight to the point” the Emperors smile fades as he opens his desk drawer retrieving a metal inscribed cylinder. He places it on the desk in front of Feyd.

“I received this on the day your son was born as if it was destiny. Even though I knew the say would come I could not bear to read the words and dropped it to the ground in front of of my daughter and my advisors in the garden. Princess Irulan retrieved it and was also in shock seeing the words” the Emperor relays.

Feyd picks up the metallic cylinder reading the first line

-The Tribunal for War Crimes of Emperor Shaddam Corino IV- stand out with the biggest lettering. Feyd sets the cylinder back down.

“The day after tomorrow I will be tried and convicted. The amount of evidence is substantial and kept so meticulously by your uncle. Most of the correspondences come from his personal office which must’ve been near impossible to retrieve for a spy.” Feyd clasps his hands and presses his fingers to his lips hiding the smile of his cleverness.

“With my final Emperial decree I wish you make you Emperor Feyd Rautha. I am old and frail and my daughter was unable to join with a compatible house.

The great houses all respect you and your generosity they will have no problem with this change. With the improvements you have made on Giedi Prime and Arrakis my people will have no resentment either.”

The Emperor then looks Feyd in the eyes with severity. “Will you allow me to officiate the coronation in two days time and hand over my Empire to you in a small ceremony before I am dethroned . It would give me great honor and restore the dignity I have lost in my old age during my reign.”

Feyd rests back in his chair and thinks on it before speaking “What does the ceremony entail?”

The emperor reaches in to his desk with a prepared list and summarizes its contents

“In the throne room you and your wife will be seated in front of the entirety of the Emperial court in a private ceremony. I will kneel to you and relinquish my power .”

He explains as her places the paper on Feyd side to study further.

As Feyd looks over the list the Emperor makes a request.

“When I relinquish my power to you I would ask of you two things;

First take care for my daughter Irulan and ensure she is safe. I will be exiled to Salusa Secundus and she may choose to join me there but her life here will be far better as a princess of Kaitan.

Secondly please show me leniency I will never plot to diminish your reign in any way.” He relents.

The Emperor slowly stands to see if Feyd will make the agreement final. Feyd stands with the Emperor and bows honoring his wishes. The Emperor weakly smiles understanding the gravity of his current situation and dismisses Feyd to return to his new family. He believes Feyd will make a fine Emperor in his stead.

Feyd finds you on the suite patio and quietly watches as you nurse his son. You look so serene and natural to him your eyes sparkling with joy as you coo at his infant latched and drinking milk.

Feyd's feels a wave of emotions watching the tender moment between the two of you. He steps out onto the patio making his presence known and comes to kneels down in front of you watching as you continue to nurse baby Rautha. "You're such a good mother," he says with his voice soft and filled with admiration. He trails his finger on Rauthas soft cheek watching him drink.

You look up at Feyd as a warm smile spreads across your lips. “ We missed you here this morning” you tell him lovingly.

“ I missed both you you as well” He admits as his heart swells with the feeling of being loved. He had never imagined he could live like this and marvels at how far you two have come together.

Baby Rautha finishes nursing and unlatches his small mouth. You tuck your breast away and snuggle him closer. He begins to wiggle and his face pinks slightly as he makes a small sound of discomfort.

“Let me have him” Feyd says knowing what he needs. You hand him over and Feyd stands swaying with the infant in his arms. The baby squirms feeling uncomfortable from the trapped air until Feyd pats it free.

The baby spittles on Feyd’s shoulder making you laugh. “Oh Feyd I forgot to hand you the cloth!” You say giving it to him late. ”It’s fine” Feyd says with a smile looking over at baby Rauthas chin wet with escaped milk.

He gently switches the baby to his left shoulder and dabs his chin clean. Then drapes the cloth over his right shoulder and replaces Rautha there

“How was your meeting with the Emperor” you ask already having an idea of what was discussed but wanting to hear the answer from his lips.

Feyd sits in the chair next to you on the patio and holds the sleeping infant Rautha to gaze at the beautiful baby in his lap.

“It is as you wished I will be Emperor. I will rule all of the great houses and control the two greatest armies in the galaxy. We will be free to do as we wish.” He looks over at you and smiles.

You smile in return as the reality sets in and you look out over the lake . You will own the entire palace. You sink back in your chair stunned, your son will be the future emperor now and Feyd made it all possible.

“I am eternally grateful for what you have done Feyd” you admit in astonishment. “In two days time we will be coronated here by Empeor Shaddam.” He says now staring out at the lake realizing the impact of his actions. You stand from your chair to be infront of him and place your hands on his armrests. You lean in and kiss his lips seeing how lost in thought he is. “ Emperor Feyd Rautha” you say seductively making him smile.

Emperor Feyd Rautha

You all awaken in the early morning as the sun rises and are helped by several servants to dress. It is Feyds coronation day as Emperor.

Feyd forgoes the traditional Kaitan white tunic and wears a velvet black high neck long sleeved one instead. It is lined with black Harkonenn gemstones.

You wear a black corseted grown with golden appliqués covering your neck and shoulders as well as your cuffs and hem. Baby Rautha wears a black baby tunic matching to his father’s and is wrapped in a shimmering gold swaddle.

The procession is led by Emperor Shaddam wearing a silver tunic. He enters the throne room first carrying a golden scepter. The three of you follow him inside to see the room is filled with dignitaries and leaders of the great houses as well as the imperial court. Every golden seat is filled on either side of the white and gold precession rug leading to the thrones.

You clutch Feyds arm tighter and hold the baby closer as your nerves rise. Rautha sleeps bundled peacefully in your arms.

The thrones on the raised ruling platform are surrounded by pillars of palatial garden flowers. Two orchestras are seated at the ground level of either side and wait on queue to play.

The emperor carefully climbs the golden steps leading to his sacred ruling space for the final time.

The stairs are lined with garden florals in a beautiful display. He stands at his ruling space smiling and gestures Feyd permission to enter as the new ruler. Feyd takes your hand from around his arm and helps you climb the stairs.

The room is silent as you both stand infront of the Emperor and bow. Shaddam slowly bows to Feyd unable to kneel as customary due to his age. A round of applause begins from the rows of guests in attendance as they witness the exchange of power. The sound awakens baby Rautha as the next part of the procession begins.

Count Fenring bows at the base of the stairs and is permitted to bring a pillow with the golden Emperial signet ring. He carries it up and bows to Feyd again before standing next to Emperor Shaddam.

The Emperor takes the ring and holds the weight of it for the last time. Feyd slips his silver Barons ring from his pinky and instead of placing it on the ceremonial pillow he turns to baby Rautha placing the ring in his infants reaching hand “Hold this for Uncle Rabban” he says sweetly as the baby grasps it.

He then turns and accepts the ring from Shaddam which has already been fitted for his pinky.

Shaddam then lifts his golden scepter placing it across his hands and bows his head offering it to Feyd who accepts.

Rounds of applause begin to fill the room as everyone stands in jubilation for the momentous occasion. The orchestra begins to play a rousing classical Kaitan melody.

You and Feyd take your thrones as Emperor and Empress with your son Prince Rautha.

Shaddam Corino is helped down the stairs by Count Fenring they both turn and bow in reverence.

You look over to Feyd smiling, you are so proud of him. He grasps your hand placing a kiss on your knuckles and looks over your beautiful signet ring as Empress. “So be it” he says smiling remembering your conversation as the force which pushed his decision.

He caresses Baby Rauthas soft head and gestures to hold him. You hand over the baby to Feyd and the cheers erupt even louder from the audience that he already has an heir.

This is only the private ceremony for his coronation there will be a banquet following in the evening and within a few weeks time the public parade in celebration of his reign at the capital.

A Holy Shrine

Six moths after Feyd’s momentous coronation on Kaitan you arrive to the planet of LankerVille in the much larger Empirical Space craft. It has every amenity possible with servants throughout.

Feyd has summoned his brother Rabban to join who arrives from Geidi Prime in his palatial ship as the new Baron. Both space crafts land adjacent to the courtyard of the former leaders home.

As you approach the former governors mansion carrying Rautha not a word is uttered as you follow Feyd and Rabban to go inside.

They push open the large red doors and you enter into an enormous abandoned throne room. Everything is bare and gray.

“I want it made into a Holy Shrine” Feyd finally says to Rabban once he explores the vacant room. You and Rabban watch as Feyd walks to the center and kneels on the floor in a certain place.

You look to Rabban in curiosity. “Why does he kneel here?” You ask under your breath unsure if it is a Harkonnen custom. Rabban stares blankly ahead. “ His mother was slain there…our father and mother were killed in this very room“ Rabban corrects himself.

The air is sucked out of your lungs you had no idea. Rabban peers over at you realizing you were never told because Feyd will never tell you. He understands then that he should. But he struggles to find the softening words so he just tells the truth.

“Years ago when he was a boy and I was a young man our uncle ordered us to kill our parents here”

Your eyes widen in shock as you clutch your chest and become dizzy with the devastating information. It takes you several moments to collect yourself. “But…Why?” Is all you can weakly get out.

“Our parents hid us away and changed our last names to Rabban. This was the punishment for betrayal of the Harkonnen lineage” Rabban admits.

You try to calm your breathing as baby Rautha becomes fussy on your hip sensing your distress. Then you realize his grandmother and grandfather were slain in this very room by his father and uncle.

It becomes too much for you to bear and you flee from the throne room heading out into the fresh air of the courtyard. You take deep breaths trying to calm yourself.

Baby Rauthas carer and Feyd’s guards watch as you try to collect your self. Rauthas carer comes and gently collects him from your shaking arms.

“Empress perhaps you should rest I don’t like the looks of your condition“ she says with concern watching the way you blankly stare at the ground shaking. You wave her back “Take Rautha to the ship I will only be a moment.” You command her. The carer takes Rautha to eat and play while you gather yourself.

You shudder realizing this day would come and how little you know of your husband. The fact he would bring your child here shakes you to your core.

His brother was so callous in the way he told you and it makes you realize how cruel the Harkonnens are and that Feyd is the one with the most emotional intellect.

Both men emerge from the mansion. You put on a brave face though your eyes are sad, you feel a rise of pity in your chest as you look at them. You cant even begin to imagine the torment they went through.

Feyd beckons you to come to him and you take his hand as you join his side.

“Rabban will stay for dinner on our craft to spend time with us before he heads back to Geidi Prime” Feyd conveys as he studies your eyes. He sees how sad they are as you gaze into his . You feel a wave of emotion and softly hug him then start sobbing against his neck. He pets down your hair to calm you.

“Empress do not fret I know you are overcome with emotion now but everything will be made right.” He says gently and places his hands to see your tear streaked face. He uses his thumbs to wipe the tears from your eyes. “Go and prepare for dinner you need to eat” he says gently.

You nod and realize this must be very hard for him and he just wants to enjoy a dinner with his family, perhaps even in honor of his parents.

You quickly wipe your eyes and enter the Emperial space craft. You clean your face in the main suite just in time to join in everyone at the dinner table.

As you enter the dining room Rabban is seated at the foot of the table with little Rautha on his lap. Rabban is smiling and teasing little Rautha speaking gibberish before tickling his stomach. Rautha shrieks of laughter make you smile.

You sit at Feyd right and he takes your hand tracing his thumb across your knuckles “Are you alright now Empress?” He asks with a warm smile, you gently nod.

Dinner is placed in front of everyone. Herb seared filet from the lakes of Lankerville.

Little Rautha is sat upon his careers lap to the left side of his father as she feeds him his first bite of fish.

“Do you like it?” Feyd asks him gleefully and Rautha nods smiling with his gums making Feyd chuckle.

“And you Rabban?” Feyd yells down the table. Rabban lifts his fork still chewing . “It is good“ he says once his mouth is free.

Rabban looks at your plate seeing it is all vegetables and laughs. “ What the Empress does not like it?” He teases and you smile.

“Ask her how many children she plans to have” Feyd says grinning.

Rabban drops his fork to the table. “ NO! It is not possible brother !” He exclaims.

Rabban stands up and charges to Feyds side of the table making Feyd get up block him playfully “Don’t you dare touch her!” Feyd says pushing him back. Rabban laughs maniacally “I wouldn’t dare touch your female especially with your unborn.” Rabban confirms.

He looks to your abdomen as Feyd helps you stand. Rabban bows his head in reverence “congratulations Empress“ he says and is too stunned to say anything else just staring at your abdomen in disbelief.

You speak up breaking the silence “Thank you Rabban now please eat and enjoy this lovely dinner.” you say kindly. He smiles to you and then Feyd returning to his seat happily shaking his head at how quickly his brother already has you pregnant again with a second unborn. You all eat together with jovial conversation for the entirety of the meal.

After Rabban leaves your ship the Emperial craft ascends from the planet of Lankerville heading back to Kaitan.

You stand over the crib of sleeping Rautha and caress his soft cheek before pulling his blanket higher on his chest, there is a chill in the craft as it heads through space and you want him to be warm. “Will you fetch him a gossamer blanket” you ask his carer and she readily nods preparing to watch over him through the night in his room.

You head back to the main chamber and place your hand in the reader to open the doors. It is darkened but an enormous window illuminates the large room with starlight.

Feyd stands looking out of it with his hands clasped behind his back. When he hears the doors he knows you are there and looks over his shoulder offering his hand to you.

He is shirtless even though the craft is so cold. You take his hand and he places you infront of him to gaze at the stars together.

“I’ve asked the controller to slow the ship so we can see the stars for an hour before we go to trans light speed” he says against your ear as he holds you closely to him. “They are beautiful” you say already mesmerized by the billions of flickering lights.

He pulls your hair over your shoulder planting a kiss there “Emperor and Empress” he says placing another kiss your neck “wealthiest family in the galaxy” he says pulling you closer against him. “What would you like to do next” he asks smiling against your ear.

You turn over your shoulder to look into his eyes as you answer “Raise our children on Kaitan” you confirm with a loving gaze. “So be it “ he says planting a soft kiss on your lips. “And what about for the next hour?” He asks seductively as he grins with a knowing smile.

The End

Thank you for completing the series! Here is my Upcoming Fics List if you enjoy my writing and the Feyd Fantasy Series Masterlist to read all over again

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