#trigger anime have been really good at attracted the most annoying people in the world somehow

[xbuster]

Person whose first anime is Dungeon Meshi:

[applepi1101]

ahahaha wouldn’t it be funny if I sent in a request for Mara asking for all of the questions to be answer, - [|87

oh boy this is gonna be a long one :,)

What is your character's reaction to a minor inconvenience? Such as getting their jumper caught on a door handle?

He'd probably frown a little and just continue on with his day. nothing too dramatic

Tea, coffee, hot chocolate or other?

he loves hot chocolate!! with marshmallows!!

What does their safe space look like?

just anywhere that can also be a good hiding place.. preferably with a friend or something so he's safe and not alone.

What do they consider to be an unforgivable action? Why?

He's generally very forgiving so its hard to think of anything.. he'd have a hard time forgiving anyone who puts his friends in danger,, but unless they try to kill him or something he's fine..

Do they have any nicknames or pet names or other aliases?

not really,, his name is pretty short so there's no need for a nickname (maybe dollboy would give him a special name sign? but that's all i can think of)

What kind of books comfort them? What books help them heal after a hard day?

he likes books about animals/bugs! (especially the ones with pictures) but after a stressful day he just likes to read children's stories,,,,

Are they a naturally assertive person or are they painfully shy?

he's quiet but i wouldn't say he's overly shy,, though he is more on the shy side of the spectrum.

Do they consider themselves a friendly person or aloof?

he thinks he's friendly! he understands why some people would think he's kind of aloof though..

What is your character's trigger point? What makes them angry, sad or makes them go off?

if he believes that he has nothing to lose then he will go apeshit. take that as you will.

What kind of jokes make them laugh?

he really likes stupidly put together jokes, that are actually kind of clever (so.. puns..)

Do they enjoy pranks or do they hate them? Are they likely to fall for a prank?

he would definitely fall for a prank, he doesnt mind them as long as they arent too dangerous.

Are they an overall healthy person? Do they make for a good patient or a terror?

He would be a great patient if he didn't ask so many damn questions (help him,, he just wants to be a nurse,,) an he's pretty healthy!! well.. as healthy as you can be while living in the pale city..

Describe your character's typical wardrobe for the regular day.

he wears the same thing every day.. stinky.. but he really likes his scarf and coat,,, he has nothing under the coat (save for some shorts) so he much prefers to have it on,, even if its a little warm,,

Are they a simple person to please or difficult?

simple, just be nice to him and he will never leave (unless you want him to).

What is the first thing people notice about them?

mmm. short.

What do they look for in a friend? A love interest?

Doll just someone nice,, he'd like to be friends with someone that he doesnt have to worry about all the time bc he,, hes so nervous most of the time anyway,, he needs a break,,

Who are they soft for? Do they find being soft easy or difficult?

hes pretty much the same towards everyone,, he might be a little more affectionate towards his friends but it just comes naturally to him.. its not something he thinks about.

Describe your character through a Brooklyn 99 gif or line.

“I only have one dream a year, always on tax day. In it, I must file an extension. So, yes, it is best not to have dreams.”

- Captain Raymond Jacob Holt, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’.

What does your character consider to be their lowest point?

he went to the hospital to find his sister but when he got there he couldn't get past the mannequins.. he never got to see her before he was forced to run away..

Does your character have a comfort item?

party hat,, and scarf,,

What would be one item that they would hate to lose most?

his scarf!! he's grown really attached to it and its actually really useful sometimes.

What are their eating habits like? Do they snack throughout the day? Or do they eat sparsely?

he eats when he finds food.

What is your character's favourite food and who cooks it best?

he likes french fries!! he steals a few from a fast food chef,,

What are your character's special skills?

hes really good at problem solving!!

What are somethings they find difficult to do? Or say?

sometimes he has some difficulty telling his thoughts out loud.. he's not the best with words so he just has a hard time.

Are they an animal person? Do they have pets?

he loves animals!! they don't love him though :,( so no pets.

What are their opinions on children? Do they view children as sweet angels or evil crotch goblins?

hes neutral.

If your character was in today's world, what social media platforms would they avoid? Or be prominent on?

he probably wouldnt have any, he doesnt really care about that stuff

Are they an organized person? Or more laissez-faire?

hes pretty organized.

Do they dwell better in chaotic situations or more linear situations?

hes a quick thinker but without the chaos, he tends to overthink things.

Your character has been invited to a masquerade ball. What mask do they wear?

hmm,, something simple.. nothing too fancy or expensive bc hes not the biggest fan of parties

Your character is having a prom night/debs. What kind of outfit do they wear?

just a simple suit,, maybe with a funky bowtie!!

How do they act around people they don't know? Are they shy around strangers or dismissive of them?

hes a little shy, but hes also very curious!! hes mostly quiet,, just listening,,

Can your character drive? If so, what kind of driver are they? If not what's their preferred manner of transport?

no. hes a child. he walks. he did find a skateboard one time!! it was hard to actually travel on it because hes so small.. but it was still fun!!

What attracts your character to another person? What kind of person do they do for?

someone he trusts and that he can be buds with,,

Tell us something about your OC that doesn't make it onto the page?

he hums the happy birthday song when he's just hanging around!!

Your character has been kidnapped. Who has kidnapped them and how do they escape?

Probably the jantor,, mara would totally freak out (and play dead for a few minutes) while he thinks of a plan to escape.

How does your character unwind after a long day?

sleep.

What's your character's guilty pleasure?

i don't think he has any,, he just does what he does,,

Your character's friend has just been mugged. What's their reaction?

he'd probably decide what to do depending on what was taken,, for most things he'd try to console his friend but wouldn't want to go after the thief or anything.

Your character has been punched into the face. What's their reaction?

it might take him a second to realize what happened, but after he comes back to his senses he'd stay away from the person and try to get them to calm down.

Does your character celebrate their birthday? If not, why?

He'd like to!! he just doesn't know when it is..

What is the DND alignment?

Neutral Good.

Hogwarts House?

Ravenclaw.

Star Sign?

he's unaware of it but he's a virgo.

Does your character believe in anything? Religion? Superstition?

He doesn't believe in anything like that (he doesn't exactly know about that stuff?).. he might knock on wood or something just because he's seen people do that before.

What is your character's reaction when someone does something nice for them?

pretty quiet,, might blush a little because 'oh!!' he'd be very nice and definitely plan to repay the person in the future.

Is your character easy to make cry? Or angry? Or annoyed?

Not at all, he's usually pretty calm. He's quite easy to frighten though,,

What is your character's biggest fear? Most irrational?

hes so afraid of losing things.. he has very bad attachment issues please do not take his things or leave him

How does your sleep at night? Are they a heavy or light sleeper? Do they dream or have nightmares? Do they find it easy to sleep or are they more a night owl?

he doesnt really have dreams? but he's a heavy sleeper all the way,, he's aware of it though and it scares him so he doesnt sleep too often,, and he only lets himself sleep in places that he knows are safe.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #445

“you’ve got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine”

Have you ever created a fake internet persona for yourself? No. Do you enjoy going to weddings or showers? What is it that you like or dislike about them? Not... really. They're triggering for me. And I don't use "trigger" lightly. They legitimately, deeply affect me. It's part of the reason I've lost a lot of interest in being a wedding photographer. Is there a person in your life whom you support by showing up for the sports games, concerts, or other performances? This question, uh... sucks. Because I'm that awful aunt that doesn't go to her nephew's t-ball games while everyone else does. It's the heat that does it, but still... it shouldn't. How many video games do you have? A lot. We have a big case of them. Why did you take the last pill you took? My heartburn is especially awful today. Has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? A guy? A girl, uhhh... maybe? Idk. A guy, yeah. Do you think guys look good with makeup? Hell yeah. How long would you wait to become sexually active with someone you’re dating? That would just depend on how quickly we deeply bond in a relationship. I wouldn't go that far before I knew I was in love with them, though, so it definitely wouldn't be quick. Do you enjoy a good debate or prefer keeping the peace? klasd;jkla;jfklwdj I HATE confrontation, so I strongly prefer to keep that peace. Debates rarely ever stay civil, anyway. Can you ever see yourself and your ex back together? One, easily. The other... I wish. But it won't ever happen because I fucked that relationship up way too much. Are you thinking about anything that’s upsetting right now? Yeah. My PTSD is being really bothersome. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? Yeah, sounds fun and peaceful. So long as I'm not rowing, ha ha. When did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? Did you speak to them? Do you think you’ll see them again? Two days ago. Yeah, 'cuz he was my personal trainer. I don't plan on quitting the gym, so I'll probably see him around there now and again. Have you ever tasted baby food? How about pet food? Save for when I was a baby, obviously, no. I once tried a guinea pig yogurt treat, ha ha. How many times have you had your heart broken? Once romantically, twice overall. Actually, no, four. Quite a jump, I know, but Teddy and Jason's mom both dying was nothing short of heartbreaking. Think of the person you fell hardest for. How many people has he/she been in love with, besides you? One, before me. I don't know about since. Find 5 people on your Facebook friends list, whose names begin with K. Who are these people, and how did you meet them? Katherine: an online friend. We met on YouTube. Kim: she's my stepmom. I met her through my dad, obviously. Kelly: a high school friend. We met in art class. Katelynn: was Jason's old friend's former girlfriend. We met through said friend when we all hung out together. Kieley: she's the wife of who I call my "big bro," a close gaming friend. We met through Sam, the aforementioned friend. Sometimes do you wish you lived in a fantasy world? Yeah, who doesn't? What would you say if the ex who hurt you the most told you they hated you? "I don't blame you" or something to that effect. Have any of your friends dated an ex/previous crush of yours? I don't think it's accurate to call her my "friend," but Jason's first girlfriend and I are friends on Facebook. I'd love to get to know her better and actually be *real* friends. One word to describe the last person you kissed? Strong. Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? You could say that. Does your hair have layers? No, not anymore. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom. Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? I don't know. Which Disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? Why? Probably Jasmine. I just think she's really pretty. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? I'm terrified to this day to start new romantic relationships. I had so many panic attacks about losing Sara when we first started dating. If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? Absolutely something Frieza-related. If you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? Probably just "oh my god, thank you" and start crying lmao. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I'm sure there's something, yeah. When was the last time you cried? Today. Do you like sausage? Yep. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? Uhhhh maybe? Have you been called a bad influence? Yeah. Like she had ANY room to talk. Do you get stage fright? Yes. Would you be excited or annoyed if your favorite book was being made into a movie? Both of my favorite books are also movies, and they're wonderful. Do you need structure in your life or do you prefer to just go with the flow? I require structure, for sure. Without it, my anxiety goes rampant. Change is something I do not cope with well. Post a picture of you from one year ago. No. Have you ever written a fan letter? If so, who was it to and did you receive a response? No. What trait(s) would you not want your children to inherit from you? My mental illnesses, primarily depression. I have A LOT of reasons for not wanting kids, and my poor genetic makeup is even one of them. I don't want to pass on all the shit I deal with. What is the worst place you’ve woken up? Waking up in a shitty bed at the ER while waiting to be transferred was never one of my favorite things... Are you the type of person who has to study to make good grades or does it just come naturally to you? Aha... I was lucky in that once I heard something in school, it had a tendency to stick. I didn't need to study very much at all - usually. When on YouTube, what types of videos do you mainly watch? Mostly let's plays. What was the last conversation you had with someone about? Sara and I were kinda fangirling over how cute Maieykio and Rumours are, ha ha. Do you have any currency that’s not your native country’s? No. Can you describe your father in one word? Complex. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, I probably tend to prefer them. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? That's living, probably Gabriel Iglesias. What is your strangest phobia? Probably whale sharks. Which part of your state/province do you live in [upper,lower,middle]? I live on the eastern side. Who in your life can you count on the most? My mama. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? It depends on what I'm up for. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, I'm not a fan. Last thing you drank? Pink lemonade. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone? Sure did. The belief was clearly mutual. But I ruined that. Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? Sara or my mom. Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t? See: Girt. Describe the last dream you had that you can remember. It was actually... really fucked up, so the squeamish beware. I don't remember the details, just the shocking part: a little bird flew into me, and I thought it was a bug, so I crushed it in my hand. Heard and felt the bones break and it was just... ugh. It's nauseating to recall. I'm sick and tired of dreaming of only awful things. Any current family issues? Not any big ones that include everyone. The only "issue" that really exists in my family is how my mom feels like Ashley (my older sister) avoids her, and therefore Mom doesn't see the kids nearly as much as she wants. She feels very overlooked. Whose room of the opposite sex were you in last? When? Uhhh, probably my nephew's? Sometime when I visited my sister's house, idk. The last movie you watched with a friend? Elf, I think. Have you ever played with fire? Uh no, because I'm not keen on being burned. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? Art, in some form. Who do you usually text the most? Since Sara and I started chatting mainly on Discord, definitely my mom. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Llamas or sheep? Sheep. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? No. When do you plan on moving out? Whenever I'm in a long-term, stable, happy, and healthy relationship. I really don't at all think it would be healthy for me to live on my own. What’re you going to be for Halloween? I'd actually love to dress up this year seeing as I've really been feeling the holidays, but the money to like... make a recognizable costume isn't really with us. So I'll ust answer as if I had it, in which case it would be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale, but with fake blood splattered over my stomach region. Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? We always do for b-days. Do you like brownies? BITCH I love brownies. Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? Yeah, as a kiddo. Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? Maybe, I don't know. Do you have a second mom? I have a stepmom, if that's what you mean. When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? Ngl, I gtfo. Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? I haven't hung out with Girt in around a year. Really need to change that. When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Fries. What is your winter coat like? ... I actually don't know if I have one? Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school? I did fine. Are art museums interesting or boring to you? Interesting. Inspiring, even. Do you know how to use an ATM? ... No. :x How about write a check? uhhhhhhhhhhh... Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge, no. We don't know my dad's heritage. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? I commented on one of my sister's Facebook posts earlier. Are you interested in photography at all? Very much so. Do you own an acoustic guitar? I don't believe so? Ashley had one when she was waaaay younger, but I haven't seen it in forever. I think Dad might have it. Can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? Because you said "bickering," no. Mom knows how to pick fights on a lot of things... Who was the last person you took pictures with? My sister when she came to visit a few months ago. What is the wallpaper on your best friend's cell phone? I'd be willing to bet it's either her and Jem or Frieza. Do you melt butter to put on your popcorn? No. We get the movie theater butter kind. Do you consider flirting cheating? Sure do. Have you ever been on probation? No. What is normally on your Christmas list (if you celebrate it)? A tattoo and meerkat stuff. Do you like KoRn? They're one of my favorites! When you were little, did you pick up worms? Do you pick worms up now? Ha, I did. I would sometimes dig just to look for them, especially if I knew Dad was going to take me fishing later that day. I don't like touching worms nowadays. Would you ever go see a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I think it would be fun. Do you have any best friends that you only know online? BEST friends, not current ones, anyway. I've met my current best friend. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight? Nope. Do you have a problem with swearing? No. What do you do when you see a spider? My reactions vary. If it's a tiny little thing, I tend to ignore it. In most cases, admittedly, I get my mom to come kill it. :x I really, really want to get on a level where I can just cup the spider and take it outside. I want a few types of spiders one day (tarantulas, jumping, and velvet), after all, so I really should get used to interacting with them. I know in my gut they're nowhere near as dangerous and scary as your head makes them seem, but it's so instilled in you (most "you"s, anyway) from a young age to stay away from spiders, so it's fighting almost like instinct. Do you have big dreams? Meh... When is your father’s birthday? Sometime in April. The 16th, I think? Maybe. Are you interested in anime? Yeah. They can have some great stories. Do you eat three meals a day? Most days. Are you part German? German and Irish make up most of my heritage, yes. Do you dream of being a porn star? Uh, I can confidently say no. Have you ever been on a farm? I have. What is your favorite type of muffin? Blueberry, I think. I like the moisture it adds to the muffin. What is the last type of salad that you ate? Just your normal one with iceberg lettuce and ranch. What do you usually put on your waffles? A layer of peanut butter and then some syrup. You NEED to try it. Would you rather have a cottage on the beach or in a forest? A forest! Name all the people that you talked to today. Online, through texts and in person. Mom and Misty are all, I think. Do you know a schizophrenic person? My half-sister. Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? If so, who is your favorite? I did. I don't think I had a favorite character. Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Sara: she's very loyal. Girt: he's funny as hell. Tyler: he, uh, cares a lot, I guess? When was the last time you felt EXTREMELY depressed? Why is that? Yesterday, actually. I was passively suicidal just over... a lot of things. Would you ever dye your hair pink? I want pastel pink hair anyway.

[monbeauloup]

my love language is quality time, words of reassurance. i'm enfp-t, scorpio, hufflepuff, i'm french muslim pansexual nonbinary they/he/she, i use any pronouns but this is the order i prefer. i have long curly light brown hair, almond shaped hazel eyes and a few beauty marks on my face. i'm 163cm/5'4ft. i have a wide smile with dimples. i'm chubby and will start a diet for myself and only myself. my favourite colours are lavender (or most shades of purple like russian violet and midnight purple), green sage, canary yellow, light grey blue and brick red. i'm open minded, would defend anyone i think is being right but judged. i really hate unfairness even in the littlest things, as well as toxicity in any form, it triggers me. i'm a people pleaser. i'm an affectionate person. i show my love to my friends by making fun of them (i never cross the line though) or of myself. i am funny and creative. if I can make someone laugh even if i have to embarrass myself in the process i get really happy. i am clumsy (trip on air and hit myself against furniture constantly also almost drop anything i hold). i'm sarcastic and humorous. i often quote vine or audios on tiktok i find funny. i am basically a walking meme i guess. i have a funny laugh and laugh a lot. i am a happy person. i can be loud one moment and suddenly really calm. i am an ambivert. i'm stubborn but patient. i'm sensitive and prefer to talk things out, i'm pretty calm but can get scary when annoyed or really angry. my biggest pet peeve is when people talk to me but when someone will try to get their attention they will right away go to talk to them as if i wasn’t talking in the first place and what i was saying is meaningless, so when people interrupt me and don’t listen to me. i have this habit of cracking my bones constantly, it relaxes me.

i am always listening to music with earphones, dancing and making choreographies. i enjoy listening to kpop. i like to write and when i do i like to put in as many details as possible. i have two cats. i like learning languages, i can speak french, english fluently, italian and spanish moderately and i'm starting to learn korean seriously. i dress in multiple aesthetics. i own 'quirky' earrings. i like makeup. i want to experience a lot with my hair, i would love to bleach and dye it in multiple colours. i believe that family doesn't necessarily mean blood for personal reasons and from experience. i am the kind of person who likes to do multiple things though i often stop something and never or later finish it. i'm overly confident yet extremely self-conscious. i often need reassurance because of trauma i have and trust issues with my family with transphobia and homophobia. my favourite series are alice in borderland and the umbrella academy. i like animes. i get scared easily but laugh and scream when i get scared. i speak with my hands a lot and i am really expressive. i use the finger guns too much and the word period too haha. i zone out a lot and talk to myself constantly. i would like to become an english teacher and still dance in the future. the perfect date would be either chilling in my apartment, going out to the amusement park or a picnic. i get slightly shy when i first meet someone but warm up to them fast. i get shy with people who are interested in me romantically even if i knew them for a while.

~*~

i ship you with dorcas meadowes! ♡

power couple.

leo and scorpio. when you put these two together sparks will inevitably fly.

you met for the first time, while she was on her way to the great hall and you bumped straight into her.

having been writing, you weren’t watching where you were going and bumped into her on complete accident.

she sweetly assures you, that everything’s fine and that she’s glad, you didn’t hurt yourself.

you meet again through a mutual friend and she asks you out.

having a lovely picnic at the black lake, while the sun is beaming down.

you’re both the happiest when you’re together. never ending laughs, glistening eyes and smiles.

same sense of humor and sarcasm.

when she asked you to be her partner, she follows it up with “should i call you my partner? significant other? do you have a personal preference?”

the black lake is your favorite place. just you and her slowly stepping down to the soft murmur of the water, the smell of flowers, picnics, braiding each other's hair and just spending some quality time together.

“i have something for you,” she says and holds out her hand, revealing a large shell. the spirals are perfectly formed and colored in lavender and all possible shades of purple. “a gift,” she continues.

you take the shell, fingertips brushing against dorcas' palm as you do. “thank you” you say. “it's beautiful.”

gestures like that to show you how much she cares.

deep talks about everything there is in life. she’s the one who understands, listens and gives you lot of reassurance.

feels like she needs to protect you and be with you always.

you dye each other’s hair with spells you found in a book from the library.

the magic seemed to flow fairly naturally, quite instantly beginning to yank at your hair, slowly recoloring it.

being bilingual and interested in languages, she loves that you’re french.

“what means doe (her nickname) in french, love?”

from that moment on, you're calling her "ma biche" and she gets all teary eyed.

the ESFJ / ENFP-T match is an interesting one.

attracted to each other's warmth, sensitivity and kindness to each other’s needs.

many subjects to discuss, a common sensibility, humanity and a very big envy to share and talk.

invites you to dance parties in the gryffindor common room and she regularly comes over for the monthly hufflepuff sleepover and helps you loot the kitchen for midnight snacks.

when she looks at you, she really looks at you.

always makes sure to make you feel you have her full attention.

loyal to a fault. she will stand by you until the very end and she'll do the same with what she believes in.

you both have a soft spot for the younger black brother regulus and make it your personal mission to befriend him.

“he always looks so sad y/n, his eyes hold so much pain.. is he okay? i mean obviously not, but is he good?”

like the gryffindor she is, she finally takes up the courage and approaches him, with you at her side.

taking the right approach being slow and letting him set the pace.

you three slowly become friends, even though you have a closer connection to him than dorcas.

his smile was something remarkably extraordinary to you bc you had not seen him reveal much emotion since the very beginning.

it feels as if some deeper connection has been established now - a closer one and it made you return his smile.

right now, the world seems okay. every moment, you love and support the people close to you.

⊱ ──── ˗ˏˋ✧*♡*✧´ˎ˗ ────⊰

for the lovely @chishiyas-backstory ! 💫✨

thank you for your request. it was a genuine pleasure to write this for you!!

[cherry-valentine]

Fall 2019 Anime Season

Here’s what I’m watching:

Stand: My Heroes is an otome series that’s pretty and refreshing in that it stars an adult lady protagonist who has a career - she works as a “scout” for a new program that works to gather talented individuals (all handsome single men, of course) from various fields to solve drug-related cases. The art is nice and the music is above average, with really cool opening and ending themes. My biggest issue with the show is that it has way too many characters, many of whom look very similar. Honestly, for the first few episodes I could only tell some of them apart by their voice actors. Luckily the show has some very well known voice talent. It gets a bit easier as the show becomes a little more episodic, dealing with small groups of the men at a time. But still. If all of these guys were in the game, it must have been hell trying to get all the endings! The overall plot is a little vague but I do like that the heroine is independent and respected by the men on her team. There are a couple of the usual tsundere guys but they mellow out pretty quickly. The show is interesting and attractive to look at, but it would have benefited a lot from narrowing its focus and cutting down on the number of hot guys (now that’s something I never thought I’d type).

Ahiru no Sora is a new sports anime about basketball. It actually follows a similar plot setup to Hinomaru Sumo - a talented player starts at a new school and goes to join the club of his favored sport, only to find it overrun by violent delinquents whom he’ll have to defeat (via his sports skills) in order to officially join the club and start a team. The protagonists even share the same problem of being considered way too short to participate in the sport they love and also the fact that their ill mothers gave them encouragement. The biggest difference, however, is that Hinomaru was already a very accomplished and even somewhat famous sumo wrestler when the series begins, whereas Sora is talented but has never even played in a real basketball game, making him very much an underdog. He’s a likable character, as are the delinquents that gradually come around to playing basketball with him and cleaning up their acts. I was a little annoyed by the fact that there is a peephole the guys use to watch the girls changing into their uniforms. Not by the fact that it existed, because it’s actually kinda realistic that delinquent teenage boys would do something like that, but by the fact that Sora is shown this peephole in the first episode and is never seen doing anything to close it up despite becoming friends with one of the girls and him being presented as a moral, upstanding guy. I hope they address it in the future because it kinda bugs me. On the plus side, the main female character (there’s always one in any sports anime) is a very talented player on the girls’ basketball team, rather than the team manager or whatever. I like that she’s a player of the sport rather than just a fan or support character. Also, the fact that Sora’s main source of inspiration is his mom, who was a famous basketball player herself in her youth, is pretty cool. Overall, the show is enjoyable even if it feels a little overly familiar.

Hoshiai no Sora is a revelation. It feels like a very important moment for anime that will no doubt be talked about for years into the future. Be warned that I venture into possible spoilers territory here, though I don’t share any plot details. I started the series because I saw boys holding tennis rackets in the artwork, fully expecting “just another sports anime” (which is fine, because I love sports anime). What I got was a very big, very nice surprise. Hoshiai no Sora is a sports anime, in that it follows a sports team and spends some time showing training routines and matches with rival schools. But it’s also a realistic, nuanced, heartwarming, and often painfully traumatic coming of age story about the boys on the tennis team, most of whom have compelling back stories or home lives.  Almost every parent in the show is an absolute nightmare, to the point that when a non-terrible parent shows up, every commenter on the episode was immediately suspicious of them. It should be clear by now that there are some massive trigger warnings to apply to this show. There are rather graphic depictions of child abuse, from physical to verbal to emotional, and all of it is horrifying (and kudos to the show for recognizing that there are so many different forms of abuse and all of them are traumatic). Thankfully, the show is not all doom and gloom. In fact, the show is one of the sweetest, most uplifting, most touching series I’ve seen in years, mostly due to the fact that these traumatized kids are all so supportive of each other. They’re kind to each other, even if they bicker here and there about silly stuff. They defend each other from bullies. One character in particular goes to some rather extreme lengths to look out for his friend. It’s also very important to note that the show tackles issues I’ve legitimately never seen addressed in anime, at least not in such a respectful and tasteful way. One character in particular is first presented as gay (and it seems all the other characters are aware that this person is gay, and the tennis team will NOT be having your homophobic bullshit, thank you very much) but then is revealed to be non-binary/questioning their gender, and the show seriously spends almost an entire episode talking about this, about gender identity, with one character relating the story of the transgender man who practically raised him. An anime series actually, seriously, discussed these issues. As a straight, cisgender person, I can’t speak for how accurate all of this was, but judging by the reaction to the episode by folks in the LGBTQ+ community, I’m willing to assume the show did a great job. I’m also willing to bet that somewhere in Japan, there are young people watching this that desperately need to see it, that desperately need to hear the positive messages presented (protagonist Maki kindly gives encouragement and support to his non-binary friend, and at times it feels like he’s speaking to the audience). I know some of this stuff would be considered spoilers, but honestly, I feel like more people would give this anime a shot if they knew it featured all this awesomeness. The art is lovely. The music is great. This is a series that needs to be watched by as many people as possible. Don’t sleep on this one, please.

Boku no Hero Academia Season 4 is more of the same. I’ve already talked several times now about my issues with the series (how female characters are handled in general pretty much sums most of it up) and I’ve already talked about how much I enjoy the show despite those issues. This season introduces an interesting and imposing new villain in Chiaki, who has a cool design and power. I’m also pleased that the show seems to be making an attempt to actually let the female characters DO STUFF, as well as introducing some cool new lady heroes who actually have interesting powers. So... yeah. A good show got better. Special mention goes to new character Sir Nighteye, who is a perfect example of how voice casting can really make or break a character. I would have found him pretty boring if he wasn’t voiced by the supremely talented Shinichirou Miki, who brings all his various characters to life in such a vivid way, I’ve never come across one I didn’t like.

Special 7 falls into the “urban fantasy” genre, the kind we see a lot of in anime lately, with supernatural elements mixed in with modern life. In this case, we have races like elves and vampires living peacefully alongside humans in the modern world. The story follows a certain police unit made up of various fantasy races and humans formed to deal with a terrorist group called Nine who aim to bring back dragons (something about dragons used to rule the world or maybe terrorized the world, I don’t remember). There’s a nice mix of characters in the core team, many of whom will feel familiar. They’re still fun though, and their chemistry as a team and as friends is one of the main reasons to watch. I’m particularly fond of the vampire lady named Shikisai who uses a samurai sword and is, from what I can tell, the most physically badass member of the team. She also appears to have an adorably sweet home life with her husband (or boyfriend?) and is just generally a cool chick. The animation is okay and the music is above average. The plot has several mysteries that are slowly being revealed, but has enough humor to keep from getting too serious. Fairly low on my watch list, but still has a solid spot.

Psycho-Pass Season 3 is a show I was looking forward to. I still think season one was one of the best anime seasons in the past ten years. Season two was good but couldn’t really contend with season one. The movie was great. The OVA’s were great. I was pretty hyped for season three, and so far... eh. It’s okay. Honestly if it were a new show I’d probably rate it much higher, but as a continuation of a story like this, I’m finding it a bit lacking. At times it actually does feel like a new show. There are two entirely new protagonists, who are both interesting and likable, but neither immediately gripped me the way Akane and Kogami did in previous seasons. Some elements of the show seem to contradict, or at least stretch, the world-building that had already been established. New protagonist Arata has an ability that verges on supernatural (in a show that has never had supernatural elements at all). They try to explain it away as something “anyone can do” with enough practice, but that sounds ridiculous when you see his ability in use. We also see “abandoned” areas where there are apparently criminal groups just... living there. Doing whatever. I guess they’re supposed to be like Yakuza, which makes zero sense in this series. If you can escape the oppression of the Sibyl System by just walking across town to an abandoned area, why did a character in season one have to flee the country? It just seems to fly in the face of all the setup that came before. Overall, this season has a general feel that doesn’t gel well with the rest of the series. That being said, taken on its own, it’s still entertaining, with high production values that afford it smooth animation and excellent music. The stories so far have been fairly engaging, but they give off a vibe of “really well done fanfiction”. But whatever, I’d watch paint dry to get an occasional glimpse of Kogami.

Carry Over Shows From Previous Seasons: Black Clover Diamond no Ace Dr. Stone

Best of Season: Best New Show: Hoshiai no Sora Best Opening Theme: Black Clover Best Ending Theme: Diamond no Ace Best New Male Character: Toma (Hoshiai no Sora) Best New Female Character: Shikisai (Special 7)

[infjabberwocky]

imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[shamaste]

Discrimination and Spirituality. Often it is to see yourself as a victim. But asking yourself is: why and what makes you feel that way. Often made by circumstances, or you got in the way or by others imposing that feeling on you either; by their way of speaking, thinking and doing. Things that make you think and feel differently about yourself, and even starting to bring yourself down. And if you are unsure about yourself, partly because of your past, you feel quickly: disadvantaged, not belonging, discriminated and more.

A group, feels disadvantaged and left out, will be triggered even more in these days, and that will be fueled with Corona as an unwanted ally to use for his own business/purpose and also by using what happens in Europe, especially from the USA, as an excuse overhere.

In the USA rests many deep feelings or are close to the surface, waiting to let it be freed. That is happened, old things. And now people react because of these old feelings. Only now they attach a name to it, it is called ....: discrimination and / or racism. If shops are looted, it is justified? Kristallnacht, ww2, but now the American way.

Social injustice is not yet discrimination. But it is now being brought forward. Everything is suddenly seen as discrimination or explained like that, even when it isn't. Rage, is making blind for judtice and is just for preserving self-interest. Only for a certain group, but I am for everyone, don’t get me wrong. And exclusion is making distinctions, that is, discrimination. Then I also have something for those people and groups who are now so hard on others with regard to discrimination. But .... I don't because I accepted myself years ago, not being a victim. And because of that...I don't live in or am i my past now. Of course it could have been different or turned out differently. But I chose. I have chosen not to judge, to condemn, to discriminate. And you?

Because that is discrimination, a choice! And your life is also about making choices. Just like mine.

Either you choose: to hang around in the past, to be a victim, or to choose to make a distinction, or to choose to blame someone else as usual, or to choose to discriminate. Or whether you choose not, not to be, to do what makes you guilty of that what is written.

Tolerance. Tolerance is tolerating, but no acceptance yet. Often is tolerance to here is not there: not in my street, house, village, town or country. Are you getting too close, then ..? Everything is allowed, as long as I am not confronted with it, you, your kind.

I also don't have to tolerate everything, such as: being left out, discriminated against, ignored and hated for who i am. I won't allow. That is called... free will. It's a piece of humanity to yourself, a form of selfcare. But it should not turn into hatred, disgust, envy, anger, violence and more. And anger is, in this case is... a bad destructive emotion, fueled by fear of?

I was often (as a gay) only tolerated by others. Acceptance, that was only possible if I started to accept myself, and decided not continue to see myself as a victim or as a failure. But just thought myself that I am successful, valuable and a sincerely improved version of my old hurt self, i started to get free as i learn to see who i am. I find myself and I found out ...: I have something to offer!

But if you have something to offer that is successful, you attract people who want it too, a part of it. -in which the other person can quickly make a big improvement, progress and making a lot of money. These factors playing the main role and the tolerance level is because of selfish reasons suddenly higher. Then you can take your place in their circle. But watch out! This is still not an acceptance of you. But make use of you. Its temporarely. Until they get it, and then ..? Then you are pushed aside, thrown out again. This is called social injustice.

Abuse, or call it social injustice, that is to use someone or a situation for personal (ego) purposes and well-being. This has nothing to do with race, religion or whatever the preference are. It's just an ego thing in that other person. You are, have something, and they want to have that something, anyway ... is to benefit themself, because that's what it's all about. Gimme Gimme Gimme!

But sometimes it fails, and then ...! And sometimes it fails more often and suddenly society seems to turn against you and then the terms are used, such as: this is discrimination, racist etc. But forgetting that them selves are the cause of their own disadvantaged. That is forgotten, and which is also not fair to the other. But karma is a bitch. Get the gueste?

Well, sometimes it's not your path. And if your intentions are not pure either, then there is such a thing as karma. Cause and effect. When I do things, I am responsible for that, not the other person. And there I think, it goes wrong. Everywhere. De People do not want to take responsibility for their own actions, or life.

Is it due to this crisis, the coronisation of this society? Beware, don't forget, but everyone is responsible for their own thinking, feelings, behavior and also health, and yes: you are also responsible for what you pass on, and you are responsible for that, not the other person, what you have given and gotten also unwanted - that is without their approval or knowledge also. Like giving covid19 to someone else. Or secretly giving an STD or worse? And thats happening now, are you going to put the blame on that, to them too? Shame on you. Poor human being! So with that, youre building up bad karma. From now on you need al the luck in the world.

Spiritual people cannot afford to do that at all, because they already have a knowledge, its called consciousness. But if you still want to act like that as a perpetrator, without conscience, or responsibility for yourself, you will be thrown back .., confronting all your fears. Then you start complaining and winjng about everything and everyone. Too bad (s).

Injustice or discrimination? There will always be injustice, because it is also determined by other things, like ego and fear. Naturaly, as mentioned before, you possess that the other person don't or that person has something that you do not have, or the other way around, giving and taking, or it is still out of your reach, such as a well-paid job, that car, a beautiful house. But it's also te be in control or decision-making, those rights. Birth rights, such as being happy, free, the right to have a free will and more. But it should not be at the expense of others. Then you are wrong.

That can trigger something in the other, or evoke such things as: envy, jealousy, anger, fear of repetition from the past, that all play a role. This way you get groups facing each other. A kind of (ego) war.

Spirituality is about: to create unity, equality, not to use it to want to (over) rule, (to) judge and yes, even to discriminate. Because now your coming across that line, stepping over that thin line. Really! Spiritual people seem to take the lead in this. When someone is righteous and against everything at the same time, (judging) ..! Discerning, you good, you bad. Shit it is. There is no good or bad.

Spirituality is not meant for that, to upset others, or put people down. But fear has also to struck there. But whether it is real? No. This is called: we are not the past. It is not our war, whatever happened then. This is not us! Because slavery was born in a time of progress, this through discovery, prosperity and domination. They knew no better. Now we do.

This in an laat part of an era and it is still called: the age of pisces. And it stops at 2100. Power, ego and money. We are still in and part in that. This is called the transition phase. And is 100 years long. From 2000 until 2100.

Mother Earth's future depends on this period. That is why everything is discussed and relived again, and before new things emerge, that when the wheat is separated from the chaff. Dutch saying. Get the bad things out. Let the good things in. How annoying it may be. But to enter an era of higher consciousness and spirituality, you must first create space. And humans has no longer natural enemies. Except them selves and diseases. Viruses belong to us, to humans, plants and animals. Therefore, new ones are added all the time, and they mutate. And what do they teach us if you want to learn?

The other and me? Racism and discrimination ar originated from fear, fear of losing something that is valued, such as freedom. Your loved one. And unfortunately it is now often linked to white people. But history also teaches: the Indians also robbed people, especially women, she was called squaws, from other tribes, for their own good;

African chieftains also had their slavery practices, they also had slaves from other countries and / or tribes and traded with white shipping companies for profit;

the Japanese wanted to subdue the Chinese;

in Russia you were or are still murdered because;

and Turkey is still doing it. From power.

Leaders in different countries keep racism / discrimination alive, even TRUMP. But it stays alive as long as your ideas allow you to distinguish them and to justify them. It is good / bad, it is this, it is that ...! Than... ?

See Qatar? And so it is also to watch out for you and me and that an opinion is not a wrong thought, because you make distinctions so quickly.

WW1 / 2. Just before the outbreak of the WW2, the Jews were suddenly victims of violence. That because they were prosperous. Because most of them had shops, they were learned, they were successful because of their drive and hard work. The underprivileged 'German' population, which was abandoned as lowlife and in poverty by 'Der Kaiser' after WW1, was looking for a scapegoat. A deep world recession of 1929-39 followed the WW1. It was poverty against wealth. If you come to me, it will be better. Making promises to the people, the Kaiser was deposed and left for the Netherlands. HITLER rattled at the door of the 'Regierungssitz'. The outcome is still remembered? And in that place, Hitler found his chair and played nicely on that old pain. He found a scapegoat! What have we learned from this? How are you now?

Social discontent. This discontent manifests itself especially at times, when something global happens and that has become this virus Corona, the big motivator. Without this virus, the Floyd case would have turned out quite differently. I know for sure.

Group discontent, group fear, being insecure about themselves and the future, certainly death and life knocking on the door. Suddenly life, it has a different meaning for a certain group. They woke up rough and immediately, because those people realize ..., they are mortal and it suddenly comes very close. Suddenly people started to appreciate and feel their life differently. More prescious then others, now with that fear arose: "I first ...!" Feelings. A lot to deal with and In addition, others quickly forgotten. Survival first. Can you manage it alone? Now and later? No. You need people.

Corona. It suddenly seems like a green signal, of something that was already on orange. The previous economic recession is still fresh in the memory. - My company did not survive that and that is my blessing now. Don't think about having a gym ... at this time. It seems as if anything is allowed to do and must be possible, by a group that feels discriminated against, excluded or limited, and which also limits others by their actions. Who limits who actually, who discriminates?

What is the spiritual lesson of this? That it will last forever when it is fed by ego and fears.

But is that also discrimination? It has to do with fear. You can decide for yourself, and worst of all, you know about yourself when you are a racist or when you discriminate. All colours. And you also know quite well when it is your ego and fears, what you project onto others. This is called self-knowledge. Spiritual people have enough awareness, provided their egos havent got in the way of their fears. And that has already been proven that it is. No wisdom in there, because knowledge is still in their heads and it is not yet in their heart, and wisdom is from the heart. We will go there. Anyhow.

Where there is fear (heart), wisdom cannot rule there, can it? And you are caught. That's where your freedom is. In you. That's why it is important to stop this madness now. To stop scaring yourself, to feed it. It throws you back. There are probably more you can stop doing that. Now! Some tips for you. I wrote them for this moment. These are things to stop saying to yourself.

1. "I'm not good at ..."

Instead, say, "It's just a skill and something I can learn."

Personal affirmation: I am okay!

2. "I'm such a failure ..."

Instead, say, "I'm wrong, and everyone makes mistakes."

PA: I don't make mistakes, I learn.

3. "There's no point in trying ..."

Instead say, "It can be difficult, but step by step I will reach my goal in time."

PA: If the first one fails, then the second time it will not. I can do it.

4. "Everyone hates me; I have no friends ..."

Instead, say, "It doesn't really matter what these people think of me.

There are others who will recognize my worth and true self. "

PA: I appreciate myself just the way I am.

5. "I hate myself. I deserve to be rejected ..."

PA: "I am beautiful on the inside and I have enough self-esteem and self-esteem. I deserve to be cherished and treated well."

Your new life begins here. The better you is how you thinking about yourself, positive, then you feel more powerful, staying strong in your shoes, the less victim you feel. Because you determine how you deal with it. I have let go of my victimrole a long time ago, when will you?

This way you regain and remember your power and strength.

And give yourself the space and space is freedom that you were looking for. No more outside going to your search freedom, it is in you to enter the future correctly. Go inside.

And say, I'm okay. And that is enough.

I'm Hans, Dutch and I'm okay. In every way.

[snarkandsarcasmftw]

tag games, ftw

I was tagged by both @rampagewriting and @heelsamizayn to answer this and it seems like a fun time and my brain’s being a bag of dicks rn, so whhhhy not... Here we go.

0) Name/Nickname? If ya wanna share it.

Ashley, AA, Snark - mostly on here. Oh and lil bit, but... family only.

1) If you could bring any two fictional characters (from books or film/tv) into the same world who would they be, what world would you put them in, and what would their relationship to each other be?

Uhhh... Uhhh... Okay, alright, hm... This is going to be an unconventional answer but.. I’d take Bucky and Cap and I’d drop them right into the middle of The Walking Dead. Hear me out.. They’re both military trained / enhanced superheroes and they can walk that line of having compassion and being totally ruthless if they must. I think it’d be neat. They’d be friends / psuedo brothers, of course.

2) If you could drop yourself into any fictional world from books or film/tv, which would it be?

Oh god, oh noooo.. Every part of the fifteen year old trapped within my old woman body is screaming at me to answer Harry Potter -cos magic.. But.. I’m going with The Walking Dead. Just for the simple fact that I could smack both Lori and Dale Horvath in the back of the fuckin head.

Alternately.. I’d really wanna hunt vampires with Edgar and Allen Frog, and the eighties were my shit, so.. That too.

3) What’s your spirit animal?

A cat or a raccoon. I have under eye circles, stay up late, eat only junk and I’ll bite if you take my food plus kinda chonky ( raccoon) and I like to take naps, I’m... adamant about cleaning / grooming plus, I like to sit around and give people side eye when they’re doing dumb shit. ( cat.)

4) What is the most unpopular opinion you hold?

NO. NOPE. NOT ANSWERING. ISSA TRAP.

Okay, since I obviously have to put something here, I’ll say it. And I’ll start with wrestling:

Seth Rollins is vastly overrated and I don’t get the whole.. Attraction to him. And the same goes for Cody Rhodes. Also, is it just me or are his fucking intros too long? Idk, maybe that’s me and my lack of patience. If you like either of these, sorry, continue to do you, but.. I’m not a fan and I honestly don’t particularly care about either and this is my own personal opinion. I’m allowed to have one. I’m not saying bad shit about either guy here, if you take it that way, it’s your own damn problem? I’m not telling you not to like them. I’m simply saying I do not.

As far as media goes : Fifty Shades of Gray is fucking dumb. I mean.. 10 page contract.. to get what has to be mediocre dick, at best? And it’s not even written with any regards to true BDSM concepts for the most part? Nah. I’ll pass. 

And now, for one about our current situation: I think the idiots who hoarded TP at the beginning of this should be allowed to return things.. Provided it’s unopened, they have a receipt, and they don’t see a fucking dime of the money they spent and that the money from the returns goes to masks / other methods of protection for front line workers or straight into the unemployment packages and the stimulus thing. Like literally, the hoarder gets nothing, people who need TP / sanitizer / etc get UNOPENED NEW PRODUCTS and the front line workers get the proceeds of the voided returns. We all win here. (I realize this probably cannot happen, but. It’s one way to kind of... help this current shit show we’re all trapped in.) 

5) How do you like to style your hair most often?

Uhh.. Down. I’m too goddamn lazy to be bothered.

6) I always love this overdone question - you’re allowed three books on a desert island, what do you bring? (Note: Survival Guides don’t count).

The Shining, The Dark Towers series - Stephen King, The Client - John Grisham and The Outsiders - S.E Hinton

7) Something new you’ve learned in quarantine/lockdown/corona times?

That no matter how hard I try, I cannot apply false lashes. That more than two noisy things going in the background is TOO MUCH. Oh and I’m pretty damn good at baking when I bother to try / don’t toss out the directions.

8) Favorite alcohol? (Or non-alcoholic beverage if you don’t drink!)

Haven’t drank in... a while-ish. But my favorite thing to drink when I do is vodka or tequila. Occasionally White Claw ( i know, i know.). Favorite non-alcoholic beverage is water lately.

9) Music you can’t stand? Music you love?

I’m gonna get torn the fuck apart for this but yolo.. I can’t get into K-Pop. I’ve tried. It’s just.. It’s up there with new pop for me. Older boy bands / pop stars? Not a problem. I just don’t like a lot of pop music and I can’t get into K-pop. If you like it, awesome. It’s just not for me personally. Beyond that? I love literally any other kind of music. I have a veeeery varied eclectic listening preference but my all time favorite? 80′s glam / pop or country.

10) Have a favorite herb?

FIRST OF ALL.. GARLIC.. yeah, it’s not a herb buuuut... yeah.. Anyway, for actual herbs..Basil, Rosemary and Sage.. Oh and cilantro. Cilantro will save your ass in a pinch. 

11) What kinds of cups/glasses/bottles do you prefer to drink out of?

My big tol cold cup. Or.. my stemless plastic wine glasses, of which I have apparently lost.

12) Preferred mode of communication: texts, phone calls, emails, letters?

Text or email. I’m not... fond of making calls, but I will if I have to. I prefer texts or email. Oh, I do enjoy writing letters now and then.

13) What is your favorite weather?

Not too hot, not too cold. Not too sunny but not overcast and gray either. A light breeze. NO POLLEN.

14) What kind of lighting do you like?

Softer lights, for the aesthetic.. Overhead lighting, so my blind ass can... yannow... see. If I had my way, I’d have candles and string lights every where though.

15) What is the best thing you cook?

Honestly, I feel like it’s my chili or my stew. Alternately, husband seems to ask for chicken / bacon / ranch pasta casserole a lot, so... Idk.. I guess pretty much anything (except fucking hamburger helper, i can NEVER get this shit right, despite directions, sacrifices to the culinary gods and pleas/promises of my first born. It always turns out icky so I never cook it.) 

16)  Do you have a favorite font to write in?

Handwriting or typewriter fonts for the most part. Roboto when I’m writing / editing my own fics and such.

17) What is something you’ve always wanted to write in a fic, but you’ve been too afraid to? Or, what is something that you were afraid to write, but then you did and it ended awesome?

Honestly, I’m scared to death to write smut. Which is why I’ve been trying to write more of it lately. I won’t say it’s going awesome ( I’m pretty sure some of you sit and read it when I post and are like what the fuck... this isn’t realistic and this is so bad.) but it’s going.

I’ve wanted to dip my toes into writing for more obscure fandoms too. Like ones that I personally enjoy. As far as something I’ve always wanted to write? Horror. But I’m scared to death I’d fuck it up.

18) If you were in your favorite fantasy world, what would your weapon of choice be?

A sword or a knife. Machete, maybe?

19) Is there a commonly used expression/saying that you can’t stand?

While I agree with the answers J and K put to this “It’s in God’s hands, etc” - sometimes things are GOD AWFUL. The last thing I want to hear is what the reason God had for doing it is. So don’t tell me. 

Triggered is a useful term.. if it’s used right. And I’m starting to realize that 95 percent of people DO NOT know the proper use. They think that being triggered =‘s a reason to bitch and tear someone apart over some miniature thing they’ve done. So now, when I hear it being misused, it fucking annoys me.

20) What is something that you would like people to know about you?

I’m a grumpy ball of rage. I’m petty as fuck and saltier than all the oceans combined in the right circumstances. But.. I can be a nice person and I love getting to know people and helping people or talking to them. Even if it’s hard for me to start it off bc I’m fucking awkward as fuck also - hence the reason it takes a while for me to actually... attempt... conversing with new people both IRL and on here.

I’m gonna leave this open to anyone who wants to do it bc Idk who has or hasn’t already and I don’t want to annoy people. 

This was a blast!

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hi I hope this is ok to talk about here sorry if not. I don't know if I can say I was abused as a kid because I got hit and stuff but it wasn't that bad and I'm autistic which made me a difficult kid to deal with so that makes it ok. I told my partner about it and she was upset about it, she said it was wrong what happened to me but I couldn't tell her everything. I keep getting scared a lot sometimes out if no where like I did when I got locked in my room and my dad was gonna do bad stuff. 1/5

My partner says a lot of things I dont understand. She says it’s ok for me to talk about and express how I’m feeling. But that usually makes me scared because before it got me hurt. With my partner the rules are different I know this because we stim together but I’m not allowed to do that elsewhere otherwise people will know its ok to hurt me. And also because sometimes I infodump and then realise and say sorry and wait for her to hit me but she never does and says it’s ok 2/5

I know I am very lucky and don’t deserve to have a partner like her. She is nice to me and I like being close to her I thought I didnt like touch but her touch is nice and makes me feel safe. My mum says I am not good and will scare her off soon. I don’t want to do that but it makes me sad and scared that I’m gonna lose her eventually. I don’t like the scared feelings all the time. 3/5

I don’t understand a lot of things but my partner says thats ok and she says its ok if I get scared and want reassurence but I think asking for reassurence is a bad thing and that makes me very confused. She has her own stuff to deal with and i feel bad she’s has to deal with me. I want to support her and make her feel good but she always seems to have to be supporting me. She shouldn’t have to support me I should be able to support her. She said she loves me and I really don’t deserve that 4/5

And I’m scared I’m not good for her. Because shes ace and I’m not and I don’t want to do the thing anyway because it is scary and doesn’t sound fun but my body does and that makes me think maybe I’m bad and dont actually respect her. I don’t like that my body reacts in that way it feels horrible. But I want to respect her and I really want to support and make her feel safe like she does for me. But what if I’m like my dad and hurt her? I love her and don’t want to hurt her 5/5

Hi Anon,

It is 100% ok to send us askslike this.  There is a lot here so I’m goingto try to address just one thing at a time, and hopefully I won’t miss anythingin the process.  If anything seemsconfusing, feel free to write back and ask questions.

About whether or not you can say you wereabused: If you were hit sometimes, it’s considered abuse.  I did a search to check, and abuse is definedas the cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.  The example is "a black eye".  Even being hit a single time is enough to call it abuse,if you want to.  If you would rather notuse that word because of how other people react to it, or you just don’t likeframing the experience that way, that’s okay too.

About being autistic andits influence on your parents: Being autistic does not make itokay to hurt you.  Being a difficult kid withor without autism does not make it okay. I assume your parents have tried to justify their abuse of you bytelling you how difficult you were as a kid. Please know, that is just an excuse and nothing more.  It is not justification.  They know it’s not a good reason, but theywill fall back on it because it makes them feel better.  It is never okay to hit children.  

About what you can orcan’t tell your partner: Why could you not tell your partnereverything that happened to you?  Was it likea real-world time constraint that prevented it, or more like you weren’tready?  It’s okay to take as much time asyou need to open up to people at your own pace, and hopefully you will havemany more chances to talk in the future.

About getting scaredwithout having a clear reason to be scared: You might want toconsider seeing a counselor or therapist, if those services are available inyour area.  Or you could call ahotline.  It is possible that you’reexperiencing spontaneous flashbacks or that something is triggering you withoutyou realizing what it is.  Aftertraumatic events like what you described, it’s common for people to take a longtime processing it, and those feelings can be as strong today as they wereyears ago.  This is a normal response.  

About being scared totalk about and express how you’re feeling, and the rules for differentrelationships: It is understandable that you would feel afraid to do things thatusually ended up getting you hurt.  It’s okayto feel that fear and recognize it, while at the same time understanding that,at least with your partner, you are safe. It’s great that she’s able to give you this open place to talk aboutanything.  But also, it’s okay if you don’twant to talk about everything just yet. You can decide what to share, and how much you share, when you’re ready.

About where you are andare not allowed to stim: Unless you are seriously harming yourself or beingparticularly disruptive, it should be okay to stim in most places.  Also, you are allowed to stim anytime, anywhere,no matter what age.  It is notillegal.  People may find it annoying,but you are still allowed to do it.  Of crouse, it is usually less awkward to find a place you feel more comfortable.

About signaling topeople that it’s okay to hurt you: Stimming is not a signal thatwelcomes abuse.  There is nothing youcould do to signal to someone that it’s okay to hurt you, short of telling themword-for-word that it’s okay, or making a sign that says it and showing people that sign.  I will assume herethat this is another thing your parents taught you, to try to get you tocontrol your stimming more.  The vastmajority of people would never even think of hurting someone just forstimming.  Bullies and teenagers are theexception.

About expecting to behit: When you are used to being hit in the past, it makes sense thatyou would expect that to continue with different people.  It will take time to get used to the new wayof doing things, and hopefully you will get to the point where you don’t expectto be punished for things like infodumping. You can take cues from your partner and work on apologizing less for talkingabout your interests.

About being lucky andbeing deserving: Your partner does sound great and I’m so glad you’ve been luckyenough to find them.  It’s wonderful thatyou feel so safe with your partner.  But Iwant you to know that being lucky and being deserving are two completelyseparate things.  You are absolutelydeserving of a great relationship and partner. There may have been times in the past when you were single and not solucky, but you were always deserving.

About your mom’snegative comments: It is really unkind of your mom to say things like that toyou.  You are good enough.  This seems like another way that your parentsmight be trying to control your behavior. It is also a form of verbal abuse. Your mom should be happy for you having this good person in your life.  Trust that your partner will let you know ifsomething’s wrong.  Everyone outside ofthe relationship gets No say in whether you are or are not enough for yourpartner.

About asking forreassurance: Asking for reassurance is hard for a lot of people, because wearen’t used to seeing it happen, don’t know how to go about it, or just feellike we should be more independent.  Somepeople confidently go through life never doubting themselves, and good forthem.  But for the rest of us, it’scommon to wonder if we’re doing the right thing, saying the right words,behaving ‘correctly’.  And it’s just ascommon to feel self-conscious about voicing those concerns out loud, because then we’redrawing attention to the behavior we’re self-conscious about.  But asking for reassurance is a great way tobuild your confidence, and your partner has given you an open space in which todo it.  Each time we ask, and get thatpositive reinforcement that things are okay, we can put good points towardwhatever behavior it was that we were concerned about.  Over time they will build up until we feelconfident that it’s okay to keep doing it without feeling so much doubt andanxiety.

About guilt and support:It’s great that you want to be there for your partner, and you’reprobably doing things that make her feel good that you don’t even realize.  It’s true that everyone has their own issues todeal with, but it sounds like she’s got a good handle on things.  The best thing you could do for her wouldjust be to let her know that you’re available to talk to about whatever shemight be struggling with.  And then lether come to you when she’s ready.  Likeall of us, she is making her own decisions, which means that if she didn’t likebeing there for you, she could choose to stop. She doesn’t ‘have’ to deal with you. She chooses to, because she cares about you and wants to invest timeinto your relationship.  Hopefully she isalso taking care of herself, and that might be one way you can return hersupport: ask her if she needs anything, or if she’s taking enough time to restand eat.  If she says she’s doing good,trust her.  You don’t have to check onher every day, but just occasionally checking in can still mean a lot.

About deserving love: We kindof already went over this but here’s a friendly reminder: You DeserveLove!  You have always deserved love andyou always will deserve love.  One goodway to respond to being told that someone loves you is to let that person know how you care for them as well.  Loveshouldn’t make you feel guilty or like you aren’t good enough.  When she tells you she loves you, it is agift purely to make you happy and reassure you of her feelings.  You can accept the gift without worry.  

About being attracted to,and respecting, someone who is ace: The attraction your body feelsis completely independent of your ability to respect your partner.  We cannot control feelings of physical attractionany more than we can control feeling hungry or tired.  It’s all hormones and chemicals in thebrain.  It’s okay to have thosefeelings.  What matters is what you chooseto do about them.  You are respecting herso long as you always communicate before doing something together.  When it comes to physical acts, consent is #1.  Anything short of an enthusiastic ‘yes’ is nota good enough answer, because if they aren’t enthusiastic about it, it’s probablynot going to be enjoyable.  Talk to herand find our what things you both would enjoy doing.  You might discover that even with her beingace, she could enjoy doing a whole range of different things that aren’t sex.  Everyone is different.  If those aren’t enough, you still have a lot of options.  You might consider learning about ways tosatisfy yourself, or polyamory, or changing the relationship to a platonic oneso that you can search out a partner who wants the same things.  It’s clear that you don’t want to lose her,so look at ways the relationship can evolve. People change all the time, and if we want relationships to continue, weoften have to communicate ways to change the relationship too.

About behaviors we learnfrom our parents: You might have picked up on a pattern throughout all this, aboutthe choices we make.  You care so deeply,and you’re very aware of the ways in which your parents hurt you in thepast.  The fact that you are so concernedabout not repeating their mistakes shows that you’re going to work hard to makesure you do the right thing.  If you havenever hit anyone in the past, you’re unlikely to start now.  And if you begin to see your behaviorbecoming more like your parents’, pause.  Take a step back and think about what you cando to change those behaviors.  You get todecide what kind of person you will be in the future, and what kind of partneryou’ll be.  You are capable of makingdifferent choices than your parents did. I fully believe you will choose to be lovingand kind.

Good luck!

-Miss Fay

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why was this january at least 3 months long

unequal affections, lara s. ormiston (audio) this is jane austen fanfiction about an alternate version of the story where lizzy does accept darcy’s first proposal - their ensuing engagement, which (because lizzy doesn’t go off about how she feels about darc in this one) is full of unspoken conflicts and tensions & hella awks. the initial premise needed some suspension of disbelief but once i got over that i found it super enjoyable, pretty believable in terms of character interactions and interiority (darcy is a dick), funny & sweet. i don’t think i will necessarily start getting into JAFF now (tho goodreads rly thinks i should), but this was just. nice. wholesome. also now i want to reread p&p..... 3/5

lincoln in the bardo, george saunders (uni) ya know what i really liked this. this is about abraham lincoln mourning his young son willie during the civil war, not exactly a topic i’m particularly (at all) interested in, but the execution is so cool - it’s told partly thru fragments from historical records, books, letters (both real and imagined) and partly thru the voices of the many ghosts stuck in a kind of limbo in the graveyard, who are trying to get willie to move on, while they themselves desperately try to stay in limbo, bitter about what went wrong in their lives and in denial about their state. & it’s done really well, the polyphony and contradiction of the historical record (one chapter has a bunch of quotes about how ugly lincoln was & then the last is like ‘idk i thought he was kinda handsome’), and the ghosts are so sad & bitter & desperate & hopeful. 4/5

the steppe & other stories, anton chekhov (tr. from russian) bunch of short stories from 1880-1890s russia. to be honest, i found most of them pretty boring, although ‘the duel’ is pretty good, an interesting look at how sticking too closely to your worldview/ideology/morality will probably either make you a useless disaster person or a eugenicist douchebag. some of the other stories were okay as well, but overall: 2/5, i’mma stick with his plays

perfectly preventable deaths, deirdre sullivan  teenage ocd witch book! this is a pretty good YA witchy horror book about twins who move into their new stepdad’s castle (yeah he has a castle) in a weird irish village where girls have been going missing for decades. creepy magical-ish things start happening (of course) & our narrator isn’t sure whether her sister’s new age-inappropriate boyfriend is just creepy, or creepy. i love the concept of ocd witchery & the atmosphere is really good as well, but the pacing is off, with slow build-up & a climax that happens way too quickly. also like can someone please say the word ocd it’s not gonna kill ya. 3/5

the priory of the orange tree, samantha shannon gonna be controversial here & say... yeah this should have been a duology. give the world some room to breathe, give the characters some room to breathe (give me another book w/ a cover this spectacular). anyway, this is a bigass book about eastern vs western dragon lore, a holy queendom (go sabran of inys!!), dragonriders, lesbian sword mages, how religion & historiography marginalises women, and magical trees. & like, okay, i wrote a lil thing right after finishing it about how i had some quibbles with it but enjoyed it overall but you know what? the more i think about it/let it sit the more complaints i have and the more annoyed/disappointed i get. 1) i liked all the characters fine, but none of them feel like they have any depth - i feel like i could sum all of the main characters up in like 3-4 words, and while i was rooting for ead/sabran, even this, the most central relationship of the book felt... surface-level. like, there were some big emotional moments but generally all i felt was like ‘good for her’ or ‘that sucks i guess’, 2) this world & its mythology is very much inspired by eastern vs western dragonlore so i understand the need to ground the fantasy world with real-world parallels but the extent to which some of the countries are literally just fantasy versions of real countries was... frustrating? irritating?? this is especially grating as, while inys is very clearly fantasy!britain, there is a lot of cool world-building (religion, aristocracy, history/myth) to make it more than that, while fantasy!japan and fantasy!china are literally just ... ‘what if japan but with dragons’. i did like fantasy!netherlands because at least you don’t see that a lot. 3) so much of the plot is just people travelling to different locations to get and transport different items but most of the travelling is cut short by some magical animal/being turning up and just transporting them in a cutscene.. 4) considering that this is all about dragonlore the dragons sure aren’t as important in the end as the three macguffins of power. 5) i loved so much about kalyba but not where it led, that said i want a kalyba-hawthorn-nurtha backstory.   okay that’s it for now but like. idk. this had a lot of potential but the execution was just severely flawed. 2/5 

trust exercise, susan choi this was super hyped, especially for a game-changing twist of some kind, but has a rather low rating on goodreads (3.18!) so y’all know i was intrigued. i’m not going to give away the twist because it is genuinely really cool if not really all that original, but this is a really clever & cool book about theatre kids, teenage dramatics, constructing your own narrative and what that excludes, elides, changes, and most of all consent & abuse (some very triggering depictions of sex/sexual abuse here). i really liked this, and am considering buying a copy so i can reread it. 4/5

soldiers of salamis, javier cercas (tr. from spanish by anne mclean) very meta novel about a writer called javier cercas writing a book (tentatively called soldiers of salamis) about a (real) falangist poet who escaped a mass execution & survived in the forest for a while with a group of republican deserters. ‘cercas’ researches, speculates, despairs, talks to roberto bolano (who compliments his previous books lol), and finally tracks down the man who he believes/imagines/hopes to be the soldier who let said fascist poet go, leading him to consider who really should be remembered & written about. made me think about that one poem about reading ezra pount that ends w/ a veteran saying ‘if i knew a fascist was a great poet, i’d shoot him anyway.’ interesting book altho i far prefer his book anatomy of a moment, one of the weirdest & most fascinating nonfic books i’ve read. 3/5

the stopping places, damian le bas (audio) damian le bas comes from a settled british romani family and, feeling somewhat unsure about his place in & connection to the community, he decided to go on a roadtrip through britain (+france) in a van to seek out the atchin tans or stopping places, starting with the ones his great-grandmother remembers from her childhood before the family became settled. he combines the travelogue with insights into romani culture(s) (mainly british) and history, as well as his own family history. it’s really interesting & engaging (the history&culture more so than the travelogue) and le bas narrates the audiobook himself & sounds like a cool dude. 3.5/5

confessions of a bookseller, shaun bythell  bythell records a year of working as a second-hand bookseller, with an entry for every day. he talks about the impact of amazon, rude & weird customers (but also nice customers), his weird staff, and some of the books he’s reading. the look into bookselling in the age of amazon is pretty interesting but much of this is banal & repetitive, & if it wasn’t the perfect thing to read in little bits while at work i probably would have dnf’d it. 2/5

giacomo joyce, james..... joyce  super short story by my man jamesy joyce that never made it out of manuscript (literal). not much to say about this - it’s interesting to see jj play around with themes while still working on portrait & thinking bout ulysses & the prose is nice, but the whole english tutor feels attracted to his student is a bit... eh. 3/5

[tenscupcake]

Kingdom Hearts 3 - An Honest Review

I’d like to preface this review by saying I am an unabashed Kingdom Hearts geek. Like, through and through. I played KH1 when I was just a tween, and have picked up a copy every installment since (in some cases, even bought the entire console just to play that one game). I still have CDs of the game soundtracks, a few discs which have nearly burnt out on replay in my car. Sanctuary After the Battle will forever make me cry, whether or not I’m watching the cutscene that goes along with it. I’ve replayed most of the titles multiple times. Wasted away hours on YouTube watching Story So Far recaps and funny commentaries about the games in preparation for KH3. Like millions of other enthusiasts, I have been eagerly and patiently (all right, sometimes not so patiently) awaiting the arrival of KH3 since the moment I first finished KH2 – 13 very, very long years ago.

At around eight o’clock on premiere night, I took my place in line at my local GameStop wearing my Kingdom Hearts t-shirt and pajama pants, brandishing the miniature Kingdom Key clipped to my lanyard. Finally holding that blue case in my hands was absolutely surreal. One of those natural highs it took me hours to come down from. Tears welled up in my eyes at the first few somber piano keys as the title screen faded into view.

Lots of people asked me, in the weeks and even months leading up to the release (because believe me, at any opportunity, I would not shut up about how excited I was about this game), if I thought it would live up to the hype. Pfft, I thought. People outside the KH fandom never understand. Of course it will. Sure, the series has had its weak links, its hiccups (the battle system in COM and the perpetual re-releases of old games with minor tweaks, to name a couple). But with the compelling cinematic storytelling and uniquely delightful gameplay of the main series’ smash hits - KH1, KH2, and BBS – in their repertoire, I knew the team at Square was capable of pulling this off. To me, it was just a given that it would be epic. That playing it would be worth all the years of waiting. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind this game was going to be lit. As. Hell.

I’m only saying all this so as not to give the impression I went into this game looking to find flaws, to nitpick it. Or with the expectation of being disappointed. In fact, quite the opposite.

I wanted to love this game. To me, loving KH games is one of very few constants in my life. I was supposed to love this game. I needed to love this game.

But the truth is, I didn’t.

That statement has been pretty difficult for me to come to terms with.

In what few early reviews and videos I’ve found of people discussing their thoughts on the game, I’ve found fans to be quite split: with some unreservedly loving, others downright hating the game.

I fall somewhere in the middle of the polarized fandom. I did NOT hate the game. It was actually a good, if not great game. But putting it on a sliding scale of satisfaction and disappointment, I would say it’s tipping toward the latter. And as it’s taken me hours of mulling, reading, and discussing with other players to characterize and articulate precisely why, and because I think I owe it not only to the series and the characters therein, but also my younger self to leave no stone unturned, this review is going to be a long one.

I’m finding it easiest to break it down by category:

Graphics.

This game is beautiful. It was sort of a dream come true to meander around in real time with the gorgeously, smoothly animated versions of Sora and the gang that we’d previously only been able to see in the rare cinematic cutscenes at each game’s beginning and end. Most of the Disney and even Pixar worlds and characters are rendered to nearly the same quality as their film counterparts. I often found myself just standing in place for a while, admiring it all. The vivid green landscapes of Corona, the beaches and sprawling sea in the Caribbean, the towering cityscape of San Fransokyo. And walking on water where the sky meets the sea? Stunning.

Gameplay.

All in all, this game is pretty damn fun to play. It was all I thought about during long days at work: I couldn’t wait to jump back into the action. Pounding on Heartless still brings me back to the good old days. And who doesn’t want to run up the side of buildings as Riku and Roxas demonstrated so epically, so long ago, in the World That Never Was? Soar to sky-high Heartless as easily as you can lock onto them? These new movement aspects brought an almost superhero-esque quality to the game, reminiscent of Spider-man’s wall-crawling or Batman’s grappling hook, that, if a bit unrealistic, I found to be immense fun. And compared to previous games, worlds are no longer cordoned off into many separate areas, and with the sheer scale of them, KH3 experiments with a quasi-open-world style that is rather freeing.

I also really appreciate that the character interactions with your party and with NPCs felt much less clunky. For one thing, they FINALLY did away with the press X-to-progress text-only conversations that were so prevalent in previous games, with all the dialogue left to voice actors. Even minor NPCs that only show up one time were given a voice, making every interaction that much more immersive. Transitions from cutscenes to the action were also much more fluid, and Sora and his current teammates talk to one another as you pow around. Even if it’s just a warning from Goofy you’re going the wrong way, or a heads-up from Donald there’s an ingredient or lucky emblem nearby, it was still a new feature I was glad to have.

Combat-wise, this game has a lot going for it. This installment brings nearly all the combat styles we’ve seen up until this point: magic, combos, form changes, flowmotion, shotlock, companion team-ups, and links. And it even introduces a few new ones on top of all this: the ability to swap between three different keyblades at will, and the new Disney parks-inspired attraction commands, where you can summon roller coasters, tea cups, and spinning carousels to your heart’s content. What this enables is for the player to never get bored during a battle. With so many options to choose from in each new enemy encounter, you never have to stick with the same combat style or get stuck in a rut of just mashing X to hack and slash everything. All things considered, Sora’s got some pretty sick moves this time around. Whipping out Thundaza, watching lightning explode across the screen and zap all the enemies in sight with it? Wicked. Floating above the ground, wreaking ethereal, glowing havoc with the Mirage Staff? Awesome. Surrounded by a sea of Heartless, locking onto 32 different targets at once and unleashing a flurry of lasers to slash through them all? Amazing. Thumbs getting fatigued fighting the third maddening iteration of Xehanort? Give yourself a break from the chaos in a giant, technicolor pirate ship, watching it thwack your adversary on every rock back and forth.

On one hand, the hefty damage most of these combat options deal gives the game an almost Ratchet and Clank-esque ‘blowing shit up’ vibe, which is undeniably fun. But, this array of choices does become a double-edged sword. With grand magic, attraction commands, form changes, and team attacks all fighting for space atop the command deck, they tend to pile up quickly. It’s not at all uncommon to rack up three or four different situation commands after only about 30 seconds of fighting. Sometimes, the constant need to make a choice, especially in a busy battle, can be more of a burden than a blessing. Having to shift between situation command selections on top of attacking, blocking, and accessing your shortcuts can be a bit cumbersome.

Unlike in previous games, there also aren’t many consequences for over-using special attacks. In KH2, your drive gauge ran out and needed to be slowly refilled. You also ran the increasingly high risk of morphing into the near-helpless Anti-Sora by relying too much on drive forms. But here, no matter how many times you’ve used a special attack, your MP will reload in a few seconds, and you can easily just ignore the situation command for Rage Form when it pops up. In BBS, it felt like it took a good while to power up to a form change, whereas in KH3 it seems like you can spend just as much time in a powered-up keyblade form change as in regular combat.

And, because so many of these situation commands are so powerful and frequent, they tend to dominate the entire battle, making the combat in the game much easier than previous games. Bordering on too easy. Where in other entries in the main series, I usually had to die several times on each boss in Proud mode before I devised the right strategy to defeat them, I rarely died at all in this game. On the surface, that isn’t such a bad thing. As I like to say a lot of the time, when I play a game “I’m here for a good time, not a hard time.” But there comes a point when the combat is so easy that it no longer gives you that sense of accomplishment when you progress past a tough batch of heartless or a particularly merciless boss – you know, that punching the air, whooping to yourself sort of pride. I was definitely missing that, at times.

Believe it or not, I think the Disney attraction commands, though powerful, and at first hilarious, were a bit too extra. After only a few hours in they just became annoying, and I was doing my best to ignore them when they popped up, even wishing I could turn them off. Now and then, I’d accidentally trigger the Blaster or the raft ride and just roll my eyes while canceling back out of it. Because it doesn’t really feel like you’re doing any fighting, let alone the real-time keyblade-style fighting uniquely special to this series. And forget trying to effectively aim while you’re in one. After a while the only thing I found them useful for was, as I mentioned earlier, taking a break from a fight when you’re fatigued, as they give your thumbs a break and cause you to take much less damage. While they were cool at first, my final impression of this addition to the combat was all flash, no substance.

I was one of the few who actually liked and took advantage of flowmotion in DDD, and was excited to see it brought back here. But this, too, turned out to be mostly another annoyance. I’m not sure if it’s because the actionable objects are so much more spread out in KH3, or because they actually built in restrictions on combos here, but I was unable to keep a flow going at all. After only one successful strike after leaping off a wall or pole, the blue glow of momentum vanished. It didn’t feel like “flowmotion” at all, just a one-and-done special attack that tended to kill any rhythm I had going moreso than facilitate it. So while conceptually and visually it was promising, I unfortunately no longer found it very useful.

Also, and I realize this is completely subjective, but I found the form changes to be stylistically underwhelming overall. I thought the drive forms in KH2 (especially Master and Final) were visually and stylistically cooler, and seemed to have more finesse.

Worlds.

When I was whisked away from San Fransokyo and landed in the final world of the game, I found myself disappointed by the number of worlds I’d been to, expecting there to be a handful more. Though, when I counted the worlds up, the tally was at nine. So I asked myself why it felt like so little, when nine didn’t seem like a small number. But, tallying up the worlds in previous games, KH1 had 13, KH2 had 15, and BBS had 10. Which does put KH3 on the low end of world count. Also, in all three of these previous games (especially KH2 and BBS), you had to return to these worlds more than once, usually unlocking new content and/or areas each time, leading it to feel like there were more worlds than there actually were. Though KH3 has a comparable length of gameplay to complete the story, it definitely does feel like it comes up short in terms of variety of worlds you get to visit. As a result, some of the worlds where you spend 3 or 4 hours at a time can start to feel like they’re dragging on a little bit. And on the flipside of that, there are certain worlds that you technically do visit in KH3 I did not include in the world count, because you are there for such a fleeting amount of time, or in such a tiny portion of the world – e.g. Land of Departure, the Realm of Darkness. Worlds that would have been awesome to get to actually explore! And perhaps the biggest letdown of all, though you get to visit Destiny Islands and Radiant Garden via cutscenes, there is no play time in either. Serious bummer.

As far as the worlds they did choose to include, the selection admittedly left me ambivalent. I was really glad to see Toy Story, Monsters Inc., and Big Hero 6 included, but wasn’t over the moon about any of the others. I was really counting on having a Wreck-It-Ralph world (I mean, how perfect would that be?), and would love to have seen them tackle Zootopia, Wall-E, Meet the Robinsons, or the Incredibles. I’d even settle for a return to Halloween Town (shameless NBC fangirl, what can I say). The Emperor’s New Groove could have been pretty damn funny. Even A Bug’s Life or Finding Nemo could have offered some unique gameplay opportunities. Certainly better content to work with than Frozen, at any rate.

As far as the plot/experience within the worlds, I also found it to be a mixed bag. I did enjoy all of them, even ones I did not expect to enjoy too much (i.e. Frozen and Pirates). Honestly, though, I found myself a bit bored in worlds where they followed the plot of the films too closely, to the point that it felt like an abridged re-hash of the movies. I know they’ve taken this approach before with earlier Kingdom Hearts games, and I may sound like a hypocrite for only critiquing it now. But I think even in stories where they did do this earlier, like Tarzan or Aladdin, they executed the re-tellings more successfully. The plotline was altered just enough to ensure Sora was a part of the action through and through. After playing those games, Sora was indelibly inserted into those films in my head. To where the next time I watched them, I was jokingly asking myself “Where’s Sora?” But that was not the feeling I got here. In worlds like Corona or the Caribbean, Sora was just sort of jammed into the plot where he didn’t really fit. In many of the longer cutscenes, I actually forgot Sora was even there – even forgot I was playing Kingdom Hearts. Sora didn’t really feel needed. I definitely found it more enjoyable to be part of a new adventure with the characters – like what was done with Toy Story and Big Hero 6, where Sora was able to play more of an active role in progressing the subplot. It was nice to feel like I mattered!

Extras.

These were hit-or-miss for me. I actually screeched with excitement when Sora and the gang ran into Remy, and enjoyed the scavenger hunt for ingredients. And while cooking with little chef was a treat I wouldn’t want to see cut from the game, I found most of the cooking mini-games to be simultaneously too short (less than 10 seconds each!) and needlessly hard to master (especially cracking that egg).

Admittedly a Disney and Disneyland fanatic, I also got a kick out of the lucky emblems (aka hidden mickeys). I thought they were one of the most fun collectibles we’ve seen to date in the franchise.

Which brings me to one of the more controversial extras in the game: the gummiphone! While a lot of people are ragging on the inclusion of this dynamic, I enjoyed it. The Instagram loading screens were a little jarring at first, but they really grew on me. And being able to point the camera at Goofy, Sully, or Hiro and watch them pose for a picture in real-time was nothing short of adorable.

Another thing that surprised me? The game’s occasional self-awareness. I almost included a separate category for this, because I’ve never seen another game do this, and did not see it coming! But the “KINGDOM HEARTS II.9” title screen gave me a good chuckle. It doesn’t make up for all the 1.5, 2.8, 0.2 nonsense we’ve had to put up with, but it’s at least nice to see they can poke fun at their own ridiculousness. And when Sora laments how long it’s been since he’s seen the folks in Twilight Town; then Hayner, confused and even a little creeped out, says “It hasn’t been that long”. Simply acknowledging the vast disconnect between the short time that’s passed in-universe since KH2 and how egregiously long the fans had to wait – well, it had me in stitches. It was morbid laughter, sure, but refreshing nonetheless.

Um, the folk dancing in the square in Corona? Literal funniest thing ever.

One thing that I really missed? Closing keyholes. Finishing worlds wasn’t the same without them.

At this point in the review, I’ve covered basically every aspect I can think of save for one: the story. I’ve purposely saved it for last, because it’s the most important aspect of the series to me, the one that can make or break a Kingdom Hearts game.

From the categories I’ve judged thus far – content, visuals, gameplay, extras – I’d probably give this game a solid 8 or 9/10. I had some issues with the overly cluttered combat, the difficulty level, and the slight disappointment with which worlds were included and the ways they chose to play out the subplots in each. But in the grand scheme of things, all these complaints are minor, and don’t detract from the fact that it’s just plain fun, in a new league with some of the most entertaining and most beautiful titles out there.

But that’s exactly it. Beautiful graphics are the new bare minimum for this generation of console gaming. If a game released for the PS4 or Switch isn’t visually outstanding, it runs a real risk of faltering behind the competition. There is no shortage of beautiful games on the market in 2019.

And if I want a fun game, I can pop back into Mario Odyssey or get a group together to duke it out in Super Smash Ultimate. I can easily download a dozen fun platformers on Steam for less than 50 bucks.

Yes, KH3 is really beautiful, and really fun.

But that’s not why I was so excited to play it.

A legion of kids and teenagers stuck with this series well into their twenties and thirties, never giving up on the release of the next installment. Trudged through handheld games and blocky graphics and clunky battle systems and convoluted plot lines. Why? Well, of course I can’t speak for all KH fans, but for me, and all the ones I know personally, it’s because of the story. It’s always been what, in my mind, sets KH apart from any other video game I’ve ever played. It’s the only game series that’s ever made me cry. The only one I’ve ever owned merchandise for. The only one I’ve ever been so invested in that I can discuss it with friends, even acquaintances, for hours on end. The only one that’s made me care so much about the characters that they feel like my friends. With how much time has passed since I started, maybe even my kids. No pun intended, the series has heart. It contains the same sort of magic that going to Disneyland as a child did. Or, it used to.

Kingdom Hearts 3 didn’t need to just be a great game. It needed to be a Kingdom Hearts game. One that built a wove a compelling story filled with intrigue and emotion from the first hour. One that did justice to all the characters (and by now, there are a lot of them) that we’ve grown to love over the last 17 years. One where a prepubescent kid can yell a speech up at a threatening villain that makes you believe, harder than you’ve ever believed, in the power of friendship. One that instills a childlike optimism that no matter how dark the world gets, as long as someone keeps fighting, good can still triumph over evil. One that tugs on the heartstrings in just the right ways, at just the right moments, to manage to make you cry – repeatedly – over a gang of outspoken, angsty kids with clown feet.

The thing about the story in KH3 is: it’s not inherently a bad story. Sure, it’s a mess, it doesn’t make much sense, it leaves you with more questions than answers, it’s incredibly cheesy, and it retcons a good deal of lore from previous installments. But many of these things could be said of other Kingdom Hearts games. The fact that these descriptors apply to KH3 isn’t what disqualifies it as a worthy entry in the series, in my mind.

For the most part, it’s not the story itself I found disappointing. After all, think about how a summary sounds on paper: reunions with long lost characters, long-awaited battles, conclusions of lengthy character and story arcs. 

The biggest problem wasn’t so much the concept of the story, but rather the execution.

First of all, the pacing. The pacing was terrible. Almost nothing happens the first 20-25 hours of the game. I can think of maybe two scenes that got me on the edge of my seat, gripping my controller in the hopes it would advance the plot further: the scene with Mickey and Riku in the realm of darkness where you get to play as Riku for a few minutes (sadly the only time in the game that you do), and running into Vanitas in Monstropolis. Nothing. Else. Happened. Sure you run into Larxene in Arendelle, and goof around chasing Luxord in the Caribbean, but none of this is actually relevant to the plot we care about. Certainly not the plot the story is telling us to care about from the beginning.

And that leads me to the second issue – how vague your objective actually is. The ultimate objective of the game seems clear enough: rescue Aqua from the realm of darkness, maybe worry about the other two Wayfinder trio once we’ve found her, and defeat Xehanort. But this is not Sora’s given objective. Rather, it’s to find the ‘power of waking.’ Which is not explained, either to Sora or the player. Sora, on the other hand, appoints himself to another mission entirely: contemplating the unfairness of Roxas’ disappearance, he seems to mainly be focused on finding him and restoring him to a physical existence. However, this mission is starkly at odds with the canonical explanation of Nobodies in general and Roxas, specifically. The last time we saw Roxas (chronologically speaking) he reunited with Sora, and as far as we know, he’s still part of Sora. So, the mission to “find” Roxas as if he exists as an entity in the real world is perplexing. Second, lacking hearts, Nobodies can’t exist as a whole on their own. So even assuming we can “find” him in Sora, how far we going to bring him back without splintering Sora into a Heartless and a Nobody again? Even according to the series’ own complex lore, it doesn’t make sense. Therefore, the first half or more of the game seems aimless, not really knowing what we’re meant to be doing, or how. It’s hard to be invested in a story with no clear objective. Not something we can easily get on board with like “Find Riku and Kairi” or “Track down the Organization.” Just “Go find the power of waking.” Okay.

And while a lot (and I mean a lot) happens in the last 4-5 hours of the story to tie up loose ends, it’s crammed together in such a jumbled rush that it’s almost impossible to appreciate any of it.

After collecting Aqua and Ventus, long lost characters reappear on screen one right after another assembly-line style, to the point that none of them feels special or poignant anymore.

Not only that, but the characters who are brought back, many of them beloved protagonists from earlier installments in the series, are not given any time to shine.

It was promising when they let Aqua fight Vanitas in the newly restored Land of Departure. Ven is her friend, her responsibility; it was her fight. But with this taste of getting back a playable character from the franchise, I expected that as the plot progressed, it would open up plenty more chances for past protagonists to take the stage. That we’d be able to step back into the oversized shoes of other playable characters we’d missed. That when (or if) others returned in all their glory, they’d get to strut their stuff.

But that is precisely the opposite of what happened.

I mean, Ventus didn’t get to steal the spotlight for the final clash with Vanitas? By definition, his natural foil?

Terra didn’t get to exact his revenge in an epic showdown with Xehanort, the guy who stole his body and enslaved him for more than a decade?

Roxas and Axel, reunited, couldn’t team up to pound on the Organization members that tormented them? Instead, after his surprise entrance, Roxas got hardly any screen presence at all, and Axel’s epic new flaming keyblade got destroyed, making him sit out most of the fighting after all the build up that he was training to fight?

Oh, and you know who else was utterly useless through the final battles, demoted once again to a damsel in distress despite years of hype that she’d wield a keyblade in this installment, and multiple cutscenes indicating she, too, was training to actually fight? Yup. I don’t even need to say the name.

And to only get one small boss fight as Riku, when in the previous installment he had half the screen time?

The heroes we’ve missed for so long and longed to return to the screen are not resurrected with the dignity and respect they deserve. They are relegated to side characters, who are either completely sidelined for the final battles, or else just hacking away mindlessly in the background as you marathon one ridiculously easy “boss” after another Olympus Coliseum-style.

Speaking of resurrecting characters: the manner in which they brought some of them back was so nebulous it was impossible to understand, let alone experience any sort of emotional reaction.

For one: Roxas. For starters, it’s pretty lazy writing to have Sora be the one pursuing his return (however that was supposed to happen), only to have that pursuit peter out completely, and for Roxas to just appear at the final battle with no resolution or explanation of how. (Nor the satisfaction of fleshing out how Sora achieved it.) But more importantly, where did he come from? There was no scene in which he emerged from Sora’s being. So, where was he? Also, I get that they must have used the replica Demyx/Ansem brought Ienzo as a vessel for him, but how does he have his own heart now? There was no evidence to indicate Sora or Ven lost theirs again. This is a pretty glaring plot hole.

Second? Naminé. This one really came out of left field. No one had even spoken about Naminé the entire game, save one throwaway line. Then all of a sudden, near the very end of the game, everyone cares about bringing her back, too? Even Sora, despite his hours-long obsession with bringing back Roxas without a word about Naminé, sees a newly empty vessel and asks “Oh, is that for Naminé?” All I could do at this point was laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

Even more confusing? Xion. She was a replica, with no heart, no personality... a walking vial for Sora’s memories. How on Earth did she get brought back? What was there to bring back? And what was the point? Xion always felt far more like a plot device than an actual character.

At this point, so little made sense and so many characters had appeared in a row with no regard for continuity or maintaining canon that my heart was really starting to sink. It all felt like it was meant to be fan service. Bring back everyone’s favorite characters: they’ll love that, right? But the issue is they did it no matter what rules they had to break, or canon they had to ignore. Sure, I wanted a lot of these characters back, I think a lot of people did. But not at the expense of good writing.

Even if one completely excuses the hole-filled poor writing that got us there, it didn’t even feel real that we had these awesome characters back. Because they just sort of existed, as high-def cool anime hair and porcelain skin and not much else. Not only did they not get to show us what they’re made of in epic fight sequences, but there was no meaningful dialogue from any of them. Where was Terra giving his friends any sort of recollection of his time as Ansem’s guardian? Riku and Roxas making amends? Aqua thanking Sora for keeping Ven safe? A brofest about protecting their friends between Riku and Terra? Axel saying anything at all meaningful to his best friend when he finally saw him again? For all the reunions we got, it was shocking how little substance there actually was in any of them. 

It was an insanely rushed ending, with stunted, shallow dialogue, and awkward tears that felt forced rather than genuine.

KH3 is to KH1&2 what Moffat Who is to RTD Who. A lot more flash, a lot less substance, and hollowed out characters that no longer provoke deep emotion.

Characters’ emotions were not handled well in this game. Like when Sora, notorious for being a persistent optimist, dissolves to hysterics and claims he’s “nothing” without his friends. But we never get to see this sharp departure from his M.O. (because he has lost his friends over and over throughout the series without reacting this way) really wrestled with. It’s just swept under the rug after a single line from Riku. It’s okay for characters to hit rock bottom: in fact, it’s good for them. But such episodes have to be properly fleshed out, or they won’t have an impact.

Also, just my two cents? Making your characters cry is not a shortcut to get your audience to cry. It’s a lazy way of demonstrating feeling. In the writing world, there’s something called “show, don’t tell.” Making characters cry left and right with hardly any time devoted to the proper dialogue and action is the equivalent of telling, rather than showing. This series is unique to me precisely because it’s the only video game to make me cry (repeatedly). But I didn’t shed a tear in this game. And I think that is so telling. I always think of this behind the scenes video I watched for Doctor Who, in which they filmed different versions of a (very) emotional scene. In one of these versions, the Doctor properly breaks down and cries. David (the actor) upon seeing this version played back to him, said: “I worry if you see him breaking down, it stops you breaking down, as well.” He was onto something there. They didn’t end up using that take in the episode, and I think everyone would agree it was the right call. I’m not saying crying is inherently bad and always to be avoided. In fact, the opposite: it can be very powerful if used sparingly, and at the right moments with the right build-up. But overusing it, with no apparent regard for characterization nuances, basically making it your only method for tell your audience a character is emotional? It’s a little insulting. You also need good dialogue, good acting (or in this case, good animation and voice acting), and proper timing if you want to strike a chord with anyone.

Which, speaking of, I thought both the dialogue and the voice acting in the game as a whole left something to be desired (and seemed almost painfully slow?), and I think a big reason why emotional moments tended to ring hollow.

Onto another aspect of the story: how it ties in to earlier installments in the series. There was a fair amount of speculation going into this game whether or not smaller, handheld-console based installments and extra nuggets from mobile games and re-releases would be relevant in KH3. But regardless of which side of the argument fans fell on, the fact remains that many fans had only played KH1 and KH2, possibly BBS, prior to playing KH3. Many people don’t have the money or the interest in playing on multiple handheld consoles (me being one of them, though I toughed it out in this case) or cell phones, nor the tireless dedication and yes, more money, to purchase games a second time for Final Mix versions and secret endings. This is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean they are bad fans, or less deserving of playing or enjoying KH3. Someone should not have to be a zealous super-fan to be able to enjoy a video game, or any form of entertainment. If you show up to Avengers: Endgame without having seen some of the previous major installments in the film franchise, you are probably going to be confused. I don’t recommend doing that. But is it necessary to have re-watched them all 20 times, speculated for hours on blogs and message boards, and read decades worth of Avengers comics to be able to understand it? Of course not. Though some insufferable comic book elitists insist they’re better than everyone else because they know more about the Marvel universe, the fact is you don’t have to be a Marvel super-fan to enjoy the films. That’s how it should be. Because it’s okay to be a casual fan of something. Content creators normally recognize this, and respect all of their audience. But here, there was critical information from pretty much every spinoff handheld game that you needed in order to have any idea what was going on. There wasn’t even any recap system like in KH2 (the static memories) to get you up to speed on what had happened in the series up until this point. Not to mention the location of the final boss fight, as well as the very last cutscenes centered around a mobile game/movie that I had never even heard of until I was in the middle of playing KH3. Now I am something of a KH geek as I said, so I’ve sat through Union Cross now and done my best to understand some of the more obscure lore. But, call me crazy, I don’t think it’s fair to expect every single person who plays the game to do that in order to understand it. Games are supposed to be fun, not homework.

Which brings me to my last point: this game was supposed to be the end of the saga as we know it. Whether it’s the end of the series or simply the end of this story arc and subsequent games will follow a villain besides the many iterations of Xehanort is yet to be seen (as of me writing this), but it was established this game would be the end to the main trilogy so far. And, to have that end be the main character swanning off on his own (as some have speculated, possibly to his death)? With everyone else from the series partying on the beach like someone important isn’t missing? As someone who came into this game expecting closure, I felt completely blindsided by this ending. After all he’s been through and all the sacrifices he’s made, Sora deserves better.

Kingdom Hearts 3 was visually and mechanically a blast, and credit should go to the developers, artists, and designers where credit is due. But as a fan who plays this series not for graphics or flashy gameplay, but to immerse myself in the story, I’m left feeling cheated. The way the plot unfolded and the way the characters were handled did a disservice to both long-time fans of the saga and to the characters themselves.

I always have a hard time with this, but if I had to put a number to it? I’d say maybe 6/10.

It hurt just to type that.

I’m not giving up hope in the franchise. If there’s ever a KH4 (which still seems unclear right now), I’ll probably still play it. I’m trying to give the creators the benefit of the doubt: they were under a lot of pressure to create a great game, and had too much time in development on their hands and too many sprawling ideas and tried to do too much at once. I’m all for second chances. But if they want the trust of fans like me back, they’re going to have to earn it.

Over the last couple months as I’ve put together this review, I’ve found myself in doubt. Even, dare I say it, like a bad fan, though in principle I vehemently reject the notion someone is a bad fan for disliking an installment of any franchise they love. Am I just too old for Kingdom Hearts now? I wondered. Was I romanticizing the series the whole time, and it’s not as good as I’ve built it up to be in my head? After all my time spent waiting, am I being too critical? I tortured myself over it. So, a couple of weeks after finishing KH3, I popped in the 1.5/2.5 HD compilation into the PS4 and restarted KH2. I had to see if it even came close to the hype I’d built in my head in the 8 or 9 years since I played it last. Almost 60 hours of gameplay later, I can say with confidence that I had not romanticized it at all. This game is amazing. I didn’t mind watching 30 minutes of cutscenes at a time because everything is so compelling. So the graphics are dated, but who cares? The combat is FUN without ever being cumbersome. It’s just the right level of difficulty that there are still some battles and bosses that require multiple attempts and the journey continuously instills a sense of pride and accomplishment. It has so much heart. I still teared up in the same places I used to as a teenager.

KH2 is still a perfect 10/10, and playing it again with fresh eyes only made me realize just how disappointing KH3 actually was.

There’s an old adage that it’s the things we love most that hurt us the most. I wouldn’t feel so let down, or compelled to write 6800 words why, if I didn’t love this series with all my heart. I’ve seen a lot of fans insulting and belittling anyone who dares to criticize the game online, and frankly I’m baffled by that. I critique and discuss all forms of entertainment I enjoy: and that includes both the strengths and weaknesses, the successes and flaws. And I guess I tend to associate with people who do the same. It doesn’t make us bad fans, but passionate ones. I’m not sending hate mail to Square telling them the game unequivocally sucks. I don’t have any ill will towards them or think they’re irredeemable writers or developers. I’m simply recording and posting my honest thoughts to help myself process how I’m feeling, and perhaps others if they choose to read them.

I’m genuinely happy for the fans who loved the game and felt it worth the wait – I don’t want to pick any fights with them (so please don’t pick any fights with me, either). I’m sadly - believe me, no one is sadder than me to admit this - just not one of them.

[cringeater]

imagine if she was on something...

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since. 

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return. 

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[nagichi-boop]

KH3 Review / Opinions

So some people wanted me to post my thoughts on KH3 and I'm super bored rn so I'm gonna try to do it.

Please keep in mind that this will have spoilers in it, so if you don't want that, don't keep reading this. Without further ado, here are my thoughts:

Pros:

The game included a lot of fun new mechanics, which made attack choices more varied. Some of these were awesome in my opinion - such as Anti Form, the different Keyblade forms and having more new team members in different worlds - and others were...not so great, but I'll get into that.

For the most part, the worlds were very fun to explore. Olympus, while not my favourite world, certainly did have one of the biggest areas to explore. This sometimes meant that I got lost, but it was nice to be able to roam freely without having to wait for sections of the map to load whenever I went into another area. The Kingdom of Corona was such a pretty place to explore and being alongside Rapunzel and Eugene was so fun.

The background music in this game was amazing. I don't tend to pay attention to background music and such, but I noticed that the music fit each area very well. For example, Toy Box had an instrumental version of "You've Got a Friend in Me", which was very fitting and Arendelle had a very upbeat and enchanting song, though hearing it over and over on things like the Kingdom Hearts trailers and adverts did kind of exhaust it for me.

The cutscenes. Oh boy, were there a lot of cutscenes. My dad even came in at one point and asked me why there was more cutscenes than gameplay, and I suppose some people may have found it annoying to beat one round of enemies and then have a 5 minute cutscene, but for someone like me who isn't necessarily the best at games and is more interested in the story, I quite enjoyed it. Plus, unlike other games, I didn't think any of the cutscenes were lazily animated. Each character had unique movements in each scene and it was very charming to see the characters interact with one another.

Being able to play as different characters was nice, even though it was only Aqua and Riku. I heard that they did have other characters sorted with move sets and stuff, so I'm low-key hoping that as a DLC, you'll be able to go back to the worlds and play as different characters. Like imagine Ventus visiting Corona and maybe having a small cutscene of him and Rapunzel being all soft and stuff, hhh.

Some of the characters were treated to some nice development this game. Sora still had his cheerful tone and determination to help his friends, but he was also given a few other traits that I liked. I loved how sarcastic he was at points such as in Arendelle when he falls down the mountain after X amount of falls, which perfectly reflected how I felt at that point in the world. He also showed that his reliance on friends cut into his own self worth a little, and so being alone trying to save everyone must have been confusing to him and certainly very difficult to find the resolve to keep fighting. Another character I thought was treated well was Roxas. I don't know what it was but he really stood out to me. He came at just the right moment to save his friends and had an assertiveness towards Xemnas that was much appreciated. He also ran towards Xion when she started crying, which was very cute. Ienzo was also really cute, my goodness. I didn't care about him when he was an Organisation member but he was such a sweetie in KH3.

The animation in major cutscenes was also gorgeous. The ending cutscene has such pretty animation and lighting, I loved it.

Although it's only a minor detail, I thought having NPCs talk their lines instead of having to read them yourself was a nice subtle touch that was much appreciated.

That Donald upgrade tho. He had a much more proactive role in this game which was awesome. I also felt like his and Sora's interactions and having them insulting each other were a very nice addition.

I don't know if I got lucky or if I'm secretly okay at video games, but I didn't find any bosses to be so difficult that I was stuck on them for hours. I think the most I died was the final fight, where I died 2 or 3 times? But even then, it didn't take me very long to defeat Xehanort and generally throughout the game, even bosses I thought I'd die to didn't kill me, or if they did, it wasn't more than once. Unlike in KH1 where I spent an hour the Wonderland candle thing and in KH2 where I spent two hours on the Demyx boss.

XION'S, LEA'S AND ISA'S OUTFITS AT THE END, OH MY DAYS!!

Don't hurt me but I ship Sora and Kairi and so having them be shown more as lovers than friends was just the fangirl fuel I needed.

Favourite world in Kingdom Hearts 3: probably the Kingdom of Corona for me. I love Tangled and being able to play through that world was amazing. The small interactions between Sora and Rapunzel were also super sweet and pure. I also liked San Fransokyo because it had an original story and I love that movie, too.

Cons:

As much as I loved most of the worlds, there were a few issues with some of them, one of which being some of the stories. Worlds like Arendelle really annoyed me as it didn't really feel like you were part of the story. You just went up and down the mountain observing Elsa. You also didn't get an ally until right at the end of the world's story which was a bit annoying. Arendelle wasn't the only one though. The Kingdom of Corona also felt like you were just a spectator to the story, though to me it didn't feel as intense because only certain cutscenes felt this way (such as the boat scene and the scene where Eugene "dies"). I wish each world had a unique story instead of focusing on the events of their respective movies.

Another issue with the worlds was the exploration. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy exploring, but some weren't as fun as others. I hated the boat mechanic of the Carribbean world and when looking for lucky emblems, I found myself trying to escape fights because I didn't want to go through with them. I didn't hate Monstropolis like a lot of people, but I do see why people would hate it as a lot of the rooms do kind of look the same. And as much as I enjoyed San Fransokyo, I do wish you could explore a bit more. The city was also quite hard to navigate as everything looked the same. Even just opening up the bridge would have given us a bit more to explore.

I literally forgot that the 100 Acre Wood existed until I looked up worlds just now for wiring this post, oof. I did go there but you literally did different versions of the same mini game for about 30 minutes and that's it. I did like the cutscene when he leaves the book though because it foreshadows later events. (He says something about not wanting to lose his friends, I don't remember the exact quote tho.)

While I appreciated having so many different ways to fight, I did find a few things quite annoying. Like I did have a few moments outside of battle where I just wanted to open a chest but I'd accidentally trigger an attraction or form change. Apparently, there was also a button to switch situation commands but I literally found out about that after someone read this review so that’s fun. I remember being so annoyed because I couldn’t use the command I wanted to use but apparently that was just me being stupid. Attractions also weren't always appropriate to the situation, which sometimes meant using an attraction and not really dealing a lot of damage or having difficulty trying to aim and attack enemies. Or maybe I just suck at video games, idk.

Because there were so many different mechanics, I never felt the need to be creative with my battle strategy. I never really went to cook with Remy because I didn't feel the need to and I also never really touched magic unless it was needed, either. I guess I just enjoyed being able to hit A and Y to get through the battles. Yes, I played the Xbox One version, don't kill me (A is X and Y is triangle to you PS4 people).

While a few of the characters were treated well, a lot of them were done pretty dirty in my opinion, probably because of having to bring together ALL of the characters. One of these is the infamous Kairi, who severely suffered from a lack of development, which caused a lot of people to hate her and also meant a lot of people hating the portrayal of Sora and Kairi's relationship (I still love her tho because of how people in the fandom characterise her). Another character is Naminé, and while she's not really my favourite, I can see why people were upset. If you missed a certain cutscene in the Final World, you would only get to see her in the end cutscene. The fact that you could miss a whole cutscene with her is kind of strange. I missed it when I played it. Also, I thought Lea sort of suffered a bit, too. He did have some scenes that showed him off nicely, but people forget that he was also quite weak like Kairi for some reason (but now isn't the time to go into that debate). He had his Keyblade destroyed very easily and struggled to protect Xion. I don't know if he just lost his other weapon but I would have thought he could have at least yeeted them at Xemnas, at the very least to distract him.

I thought the labyrinth section of the Keyblade Graveyard was very...strange. I did appreciate that the fights weren't particularly hard (because I'm not a particularly great gamer imo) but what I did find weird is how everyone except Vanitas was redeemed and how quickly everything happened. Like Luxord and Marluxia suddenly became super chill like "I know we tried to ruin your life, Sora, but you're actually pretty chill". Like...what?? (I know Marluxia is in Union X but I haven't gotten to that yet and in the main games, he wasn't a particularly interesting character to me, so I didn't really care that he became "good".) And while I do appreciate Xehanort getting some sort of redemption, it felt a bit off. He tries to destroy the universe and also murders a bunch of people, but then his bff comes along and says "yo, stop that" and suddenly he's good? Like he doesn't even apologise to everyone or help bring Kairi back or whatever, he just poofs away.

Speaking of things being rushed, I felt like I was getting whiplash nearer the end of the game. One second Aqua is bad, the next she is in the realm of light. Ventus is asleep, Sora suddenly gets the power to wake him up. Terra tries killing his friends and then he comes back. I love my children and I'm glad they're happy but it felt like a lot of it happened so quickly that I couldn't process what was happening.

I feel like the game would have benefitted from a bit more character interaction. I know that's asking a lot from a game with so many characters, but even small things would have helped. Like @chachacharlieco suggested in a recent post, even having the characters coming into Yen Sid's tower for a small interaction could have helped, like Kairi and Riku quickly talking about what had happened, then having Sora come in and complimenting them both on their clothes or whatever. Also, maybe having her give Sora her letters would have made their relationship a bit easier to swallow for people who don't ship them because it did feel somewhat underdeveloped at times.

Why was Kairi sitting alone in the end cutscene? Like I get that she was having a sentimental moment of reflection for what Sora had done and wanting him back, but I feel like even having Riku stand near her and share some understanding eye contact or him putting his hand on her shoulder would have been reassuring. It just felt weird for everyone to be having fun while she seemed to be the only one to remember Sora.

I thought the game would be a nice closing point but it wasn't. I would understand just having the cliffhanger of Sora being gone because not all stories have a happy ending and it still would have closed that chapter and we would assume maybe the next arc would be saving Sora. But also having the whole Luxu reveal and having there be uncertainty about that? If this is setting up the next arc, so be it, but it did feel a bit weird to have the end of a story line but still have so many loose ends and questions.

This isn't to do with the game in particular, but I feel like some things in the trailer should have been left out. Like showing Saïx meeting up with Lea, showing Scala Ad Caelum or showing Sora screaming and being mad in the Keyblade Graveyard. Could you imagine playing the game without knowing about Scala As Caelum and just seeing it for the first time? And could you imagine hearing Sora scream for the first time in game and feeling that raw emotion blind? Plus, I felt like the trailers built up that scene in particular a lot and I remember feeling underwhelmed in that scene because everyone just...died.

Least favourite world in Kingdom Hearts 3: The Carribbean. I wanted out. The pirate life ain't for me.

So I know I sound like I'm one of those people who hated the game, but I really didn't. I enjoyed the game quite a lot actually. I think I mostly enjoyed the cutscenes, which there was a lot of. Being able to see the characters interact with one another and having them be animated and not just standing still made the game feel a lot like a movie for me, which made the cutscenes more fun to watch and pay attention to. I do feel like the game could have done with just a couple extra cutscenes to address some character problems outside of a couple shots of chess and some paopu fruit but I understand that there was a lot to cram in and I'm sure this isn't the last game that we will see all these characters in. I didn't think that everyone would survive Kingdom Hearts and they didn't, but I thought we would lose more characters tbh. Plus this isn't the end - I'm sure Sora will come back.

I can't wait for the next Kingdom Hearts game and the start of a new chapter in the story!! Coming to store in 2158.

[crafiet]

1-50 OC questionnaire !!

ill use ary

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?anyone else paranoid about people stealing their unpublished work or ideas or name bc me. her name is ary and i found it from a generator [lmao so original] and i thought it was cute. her last name is like pretty standard for fantasy and it inspired me to have everyone elses last names in a similar vibe2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?WELL lmao shes had a lot. prisoner #22876, the wraith, princess ary. ive scrapped all except the prisoner one and u can guess how she got it3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? she was raised among royals and nobles so she has a lot of good memories with her parents and other kids her age running around doing dumb shit. most of her bad memories happen once she becomes a teenager4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? she has an overwhelming love for her parents, she idolizes them heavily and is grateful for how much they taught her. a good memory is probably them teaching her how to use magic for the first time and she being unable to control it and almost burning her eyebrows off lmao5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?no siblings6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?tbh i havent thought much about their education system as young kids, since its not really relevant and i dont tend to worldbuild stuff that never shows up. however she did attend an academy specifically for her magic caste and she had a fun time up until some shit went down and she deserted. shes pretty competitive and liked versing her friends7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? she was one of those weird kids who preferred hanging out with her parents over everybody else. so she had one good friend in the academy whos still her friend today, but otherwise she would race home and annoy her mum lol8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? no pets. she has a soft spot for horses though, because she has had so many in her “career”9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? horses like her, i guess they can sense shes good with them. at one point in the novel she sees some jackals and is afraid of them so shes probably not a dog person10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?she doesnt have anything against kids, but shes not very good with them, shes never been one for baby talk or dumbing herself down. in one draft she takes care of some adolescents and lets cyri take over bc he loves kids lol11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?nahh12. What is their favourite food? uhhhhhhhhhhhhh13. What is their least favourite food?uhHHHHHH14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?man idk, its not like my characters arent well rounded realistic people but im not gonna know her favourite fucking colour bc it doesnt matter in the story lmao15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?i would say shes ok, she doesnt burn anything but shes not a gourmet chef [despite having lessons as a child]16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? ohh i used to have an answer for this but she probably doesnt now just bc shes pretty nomadic and usually only has the clothes on her back lmao17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?cameras dont exist in her world my dudee. but if she lived in modern day which ive thought of, shed be the type to take a bunch of pics of her friends and stuff she likes bc she likes having the memory in a solid form, her actual memory is shit lol18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything elsehmm i suppose shed be a horror fan, and shed love making fun of stupid characters19. What’s their least favourite genres?man idk. romance? shes kinda #2edgy4me20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?hmm i think shes more a soft music fan, just something idly playing in the background. ex. a bard playing something for the crowd while she kicks back w friends21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?she has a short temper. shes easily triggered with any emotion so shes quick to argue or whatever22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?id like to think shes witty, and she always says stuff to peoples faces bc a bitch has rabies and wants to fight apparently23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?bad memory, shes gone through physical torture and isolation [wew] so. shes better at names, growing up with royals she got to learn a bunch of family names etc24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?a light sleeper. crazy light. and she can sleep anywhere, so she has no problems sleeping on the ground unlike others25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?she pretends to be stoic but when u get to know her her humour’s pretty lame, shell laugh at anything if just to make u feel better26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? she tends to hide them under an indifferent mask27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?despite being able to hide her emotions, she does succumb to fear a lot and cries openly, but will continue to do whatever shes doing through tears so shes scary in that regard28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?abandonment is a huge one. shes not a fan of predatory animals. shes brave though, and will do whatevers necessary, kinda like unwilling exposure therapy lol29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? she doesnt like exploiting people so shell never use someones fear against them. for friends, shell protect them and warn them if something like that is gonna happen30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?lmao she walks or goes horse riding everywhere and is severely malnourished31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?i just wrote a scene like this!! shes louder in general, laughs more. her guard comes down more and more with every drink. she can hold her liquor pretty well but when shes blacked out shes pretty much useless32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?she prefers comfort and mobility over everything else. she tends to dress pretty masculine, and never does anything with her hair. does she know what a brush is?33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?...................ask her lol idk. probably just basic comfy ones34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?she is 5′9. when shes healthy, she has a willowy figure but more on the boxy side than curvy. she doesnt really attribute much to her body [imagine living life without dysmorphia mfg]35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? i dont she counts anything as a ‘guilty’ pleasure. she just enjoys what she enjoys, fuck whatever people think36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?she loves fishing! she used to do it a lot with her dad. i dont think shes a particularly good singer37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?yeah she likes reading. she reads pretty fast and prefers nonfiction. she thinks poetry can get too pretentious lmao38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?#deep but i think she admires kindness and care in others. she wishes she was a better person at times and wants to be able to express how much people meant to her39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? lmao letters are the only thing in her world. if she lived w us shed probably be all about texting 600 in a row and then calling when u dont reply “what do u mean you cant answer. its called INSTANT messaging for a reason!!”40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?she stays awake through sheer willpower shes a beast41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?shes bi/pan. not really a thing about labels in her world. she loves long hair and soft personalities42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?plot spoilers!!43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?shes not religious. there is a heavy theme of religion in the novel [which i need to write better in the second draft] but she was kinda skeptical as a child and probably lost faith entirely after she went through some harrowing stuff 44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? winter. she prefers the cold and hates heat45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? i think people see her as scarier than she is. shes a formidable opponent and does not give a fuck what you say, but her reputation precedes her a little bit, a lot of things she did out of fear or force are seen as ‘badass’ and ‘brave’46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?shes a compulsive liar, and a good one at that. so she tends to show herself differently to almost everyone she meets, but usually its a false potrayal47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?ugh she haaaaaates formal stuff and parties. she grew up royal and had to suffer through many a dinner and gathering. at this point in her life youd never get her in a dress that impeded her movement. shes ok with dresses but really big poofy ones she refuses to wear48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? in our world shed be one for a chill house party. show up with a case of beer, sit outside by the barbie, listen to music and talk shit. shes not good at organising so she doesnt tend to host, and if she were dragged by a friend itd probably be to a formal event or with people she didnt know so shed just sulk in the corner49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?she abandoned her material possessions before the story a. bc she was forced and b. they bring back way too many painful memories50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials? food, change of clothes, weapons. thats about it. she tries not to be super nasty and find an inn to shower and stuff but shes also poor af

[iliketowrite1996]

Seasons

Okay-I tried with this imagine, but I thik I pressured myself a lot. This is the sequal to ‘That being said, I hope you like it. If it seems a bit of at times, it is for a reason! Thank you to everyone who read College Days! Here is the sequel. College Days’‘ 

Mostly in Reader’s point of view as she navigates what this relationship means.

Trigger Warning- Mentions of heart break, one night stands, pregnancy scared, commitment issues, self-doubt and fear of commitment.

Seasons.

We know that seasons will change. With them, new things will come. In the spring, we see birth. Flowers bloom, baby animals are born, the snow melts away to let the new things come in.

Summer is hot, filled with hot days, rising heat, and the promise of the fall is imminent.

Fall brings changes. It’s in the air, in the trees, and in the circumstances. The wind shifts gets colder, the days get shorter.

Winter is cold. It’s cold, and the snow leaves everything in a blanket of white. It’s a beautiful as it is annoying.

Your relationship with T’Challa is like all of these things- there are fights  that heat up, promises of new beginnings, endings that are bittersweet, and it is as beautiful as it is frightening, as frightening as it is nerve-wracking, but it is all still beautiful.

It is like the seasons in that you can predict some things that will happen…

But you can’t be sure of everything.

Spring

   It’s two years to the day that you graduated that T’Challa visits you in the town that you are now living in, sharing a quiet week together and shutting out the rest of the world.

   ‘’I wish this would last forever,’’ you sigh, snuggle further into his side, and relax into his embrace.

   ‘’I do too. I never want to leave,’’ T’Challa says and you know he only half means it.

   As much as he loves you, you can never replace his first love- Wakanda. He has a duty to his people, despite his commitment to you, and you respect that. He is as good man, with lots of love in his heart for all areas he loves the most- his family, Wakanda, and you.

   ‘’Well,’’ you roll over so that your legs are entangled with his and you are half way on top of him, ‘’I think that you and I should enjoy what precious time we have together.’’

   It’s June when you’re packing up your classroom, just having finished a phone conversation with T’Challa. You’ve said goodbye to your students to your work friends, to your second year of teaching. The walls are bare, the disks have been emptied, and their little presents for you are lining your almost clean desk.

   ‘’Hey, Y/N, do you need any help?’’

   You look up to see the other second grade teacher, Mr. Stevens, staring at you.

   It’s not that Danny Stevens is not attractive. He is. He’s tall, dark and handsome. He’s great with the kids, and you enjoyed the times when you were able to get your small classes together in able to co-teach a lesson.

   ‘’Hey, Martin. No, I actually think I’m good,’’ you sigh, looking around your classroom, ‘’I’m gonna miss my kiddos next year, that’s for sure.’’

   ‘’I know that feeling. I’ve been teaching for five years now, and I still sometimes get emotional on the last day.’’

   ‘’Too bad you won’t be my classroom neighbor next year,’’ you fake out, and he laughs.    

   ‘’I am definitely going to miss co-teaching with you, Y/N. But I think kindergarten will be a new adventure for you. You are great with kids. They are going to love you.’’

   ‘’I hope so,’’ you sigh, and you two continue your playful banner before he admits that he should be getting back to his classroom to finish cleaning a little bit before leaving for the summer.

   ‘’Wait,’’ you stop him, ‘’Deena, the music teacher, and I are going for drinks and dinner later. You should come along.’’

   ‘’Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to impose on your girls’ night.’’

   ‘’You Aren't. I invited you. Plus, she has this massive crush on you. Don’t you dare tell her that I said that.’’

   He laughs then and agrees to go before returning to his room.

   It takes you about an hour to load everything into your car to take back to the apartment you share with Deena. You do, and everything seems so final.

   With one final look, you turn off the light and close the door of the classroom, reveling in the bittersweet feeling.

   It’s the end of one thing, but the birth of something brand new.

   It’s two weeks later when T’Challa is sitting next to you at Anthony’s graduation, clapping and cheering as he finishes a two year program, deciding to go back and get an Associate’s Degree in photography.

   ‘’Anthony!,’’ you squeal, launching yourself into his arms as soon as you meet up with him outside.    

   ‘’Y/N,’’ he squeals back, teasing you, ‘’And her main squeeze, Mr. T’Challa Udaku, KING of Wakanda.’’

   ‘’You are still annoying,’’ T’Challa chuckles, teasing your friend good naturedly before giving him a hug, ‘’Congratulations, Anthony.’’

   ‘’What, how come Anthony is getting all of the love?,’’ you hear a familiar voice, and turn to see Alyssa standing there.

   Two months after you graduated, Alyssa and Anthony got together. Now, she is pregnant with their first child, about seven months along.

   ‘’Of course I have to hug you and my godchild. How’s my little niece or nephew doing,’’ you coo, being careful of her stomach as you embrace her.

   ‘’He or she is sitting on my bladder.’’

   ‘’Little one,’’ T’Challa begins, ‘’Get off mommy’s bladder. Uncle T’Challa can not wait to spoil you.’’

   Alyssa looks up with wide eyes, ‘’Dude, the baby just kicked. The baby already likes you more than they like Y/N.’’

   ‘’Hey!’’

   ‘’Kid has good taste,’’ Anthony jokes pressing a kiss to Alyssa’s lips.

   The playfulness and teasing continue through Anthony’s dinner, and you enjoy catching up with old friends.

   Later, you find yourself back at your apartment, glad that Deena is out for the night as T’Challa rubs your back.

   ‘’You are so tense,’’ he says as he kneads a knot in your back, ‘’Are you alright?’’

   ‘’I am,’’ you nod, relaxing into his touch with a sigh, ‘’Just sleepy.’’

   T’Challa presses a small kiss to your shoulder, and you can sort of feel the tension leaving your body.

   It’s quiet for a while, until you feel his hands stop.

   You look at him, and he is watching you with a strange facial expression.

   ‘’What’s wrong, baby?’’

   ‘’Have you ever thought about having what Anthony and Alyssa have?’’

   That throws you for a second, because you don’t know what he means. You two have what Alyssa and Anthony have: a stable and committed relationship, respect and trust, and you are so very happy with T’Challa. The only difference is…

   ‘’You want to have a baby?’’

   ‘’I do.’’

   And, for the first time in your two year relationship. You’re the one that freezes.

   ‘’T’Challa, I don’t think that I am ready for a baby,’’ you explain honestly.

   ‘’Oh! Not right now, my love. Not when I am so far away from you. I meant one day. I would like to marry you, and have kids with you. One day. If that is what you want as well,’’ he explains, and you sigh before sitting up to face him.

   ‘’T’Challa, you know that I love you, and I know you love me. But marriage and a baby? There’s so many reasons why it wouldn’t work.’’

   ‘’What are those reasons, my love?’’

   ‘’For one thing, you live in Wakanda. I live here. For another thing, you told me that everyone is very wary of outsiders in Wakanda. I am not from Wakanda. How will this work?’’

   ‘’People change, Y/N. I am sure that we could make this work.’’

   ‘’How long have you been thinking about having kids with me?’’

   ‘’A while. Since January, I believe. However, I didn’t think I should say anything. I am not trying to pressure you, my love. I need you to know that. I just… I would like to know where this relationship is going. I can not date casually.’’

   ‘’I didn’t think that we were causal,’’ you quip, ‘’I thought that this was a committed relationship.’’

   ‘’Do not do that. You know very well what I mean,’’ he tells you, and you can see it n his face that this conversation is starting to frustrate him.

   And as the temperature goes down on this June night, the argument inside your apartment is just heating up.

   Voices break.

   Resolve shake.

   It’s just like your first fight two years ago, when it seemed like the end of the friendship.

   You accuse him of moving too fast, of not giving you enough time.

   He accuses you of stalling, asks you are you sure that you want a relationship.

   You retort, yelling about how you never get to see him.

   And you know it’s a low blow, especially when he blinks twice, eyes shifting to portray his hurt.

   He tells you he feels like you don’t even want this anymore, because why else would you come up with reasons you knew this would be tricky when you knew it all along?

   ‘’I apologize if the question made you feel uncomfortable. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. But what I do not apologize for asking it to you. I just want to know where we are going. That being said… do you see a future? With me, Y/N. Or are we both just wasting our time?’’

   You flinch at his words, because you both know you’ve said things you regret.

   And, for so long, you never thought about the future. It was understood that you’d be together in some way. What you hadn’t thought about was marriage and a child, moving to Wakanda, or him being gone all of the time. Not really. You never analyze the pros and the cons.

   But he does. He does that to everything. He is the future king of Wakanda after all- he has more than just himself to think about, and you have always subconsciously known that you come second to Wakanda in many ways. But T’Challa loves you. And when he loves, he loves with his whole heart. So this is really him asking two questions- are you two going to progress pass long distance to be with each other permanently, or should you just end things right now before you get your heart broken?

   And you get it. Of course you do, you have known each other for six years, and you have been officially dating for two of those years. So now you have to decide what could be best, knowing that either choice is going to have a long lasting impact on both of you.

   Summer

It’s a rainy July day when you’re sitting at your favorite little restaurant and waiting for your order of grilled cheese and tomato soup and a bottle of soda. You have just finished visiting Alyssa and Anthony. They are happy, telling you about the job offer he’d gotten that would make them move across the country. You hold your Godchild.

You help them pack the next day, surprised by how quickly his new boss found them housing.

Help them load up a moving van three days later,

You wonder how Alyssa and Anthony make this look so easy the  whole time.

   It’s a rainy July day as you realize that it’s been three weeks since you and T’Challa decided to ‘’see other people’’, and that you haven't spoken to each other much since.

You’re not broken up, but you’re on the fence. It scares you and pleases you because you don’t want to lose him, but you’re not sure you’re ready to commit in the way that he wants, and that scares you.

It scares you as much as it hurts him, which is why he initially suggested this. He realized that he is your first long term relationship He’s been busy, you know. You’ve seen him on television with his dad, attending different events as he prepares for the day that he will be king.

   With sadness in his eyes, he’d told you he may be too busy to call or message you every day. That he had meetings, lunches, raining and events to attend back in Wakanda. You’d told him that you’d understood, that you’d be busy as well.

   With Alyssa and Anthony deciding that they want to get married in a small ceremony in four months, you’ve been helping her plan it. And since Mr. Melrose has taken off to be with his wife during her maternity leave, you’ve taken over teaching English to the fifth graders for summer school.

   ‘’Well, if it isn’t Mss. Y/L/N.’’

   You look up to see your co-worker, Mr. Stevens, staring at you with a warm smile, a glass of milk and cookies in his hands.

   ‘’Hey, Mr. Stevens. Um, would you like to join me?’’

   He does, and you talk.

   And talk.

   And talk.

   You talk for three hours until a young barista with braces and red hair tells you that they are coming, and you’ll have to come back tomorrow.

   So he invites you  to his apartment and you talk/

   And talk.

   And talk some more.

   He tells you that he’s kind of stressed lately, taking on a second job over the summer to pay his rent. Tells you that he just broke up with his girlfriend of three years.

   You tell him about you and T’Challa. That you’re not sure you stand with the prince.

   ‘’It was so good, but so stressful. When we are in my apartment one on the phone with each other, it’s just him and me. We can be. But when we step outside, we have the paparazzi, and all of these people writing nasty ,hateful comments,’’ you sniffle, revealing things to him that you didn’t tell T’Challa, ‘’And he’s a prince. A prince, dude. And he’s a good man and he wants to marry me. I’m just.. There’s a lot of pressure with that.’’

   ‘’What kind of pressure?’’    

   ‘’I mean… I don’t know. I would be the queen of Wakanda when T’Challa becomes king. I would have all of these duties and have to help run a whole country. I can barely control my classroom sometimes.’’

   ‘’I think that you are being too hard on yourself, Y/N. You would be amazing. That must be part of why T’Challa would want to marry you.’’

   ‘’What if I’m not, though? What if it is all just too much? I’m not T’Challa. He’s been groomed and prepped for this his whole life. I have not. Wakanda deserves someone that can rule with T’Challa, side-by-side, and make the best decisions.’’

   He doesn't know what you know about Wakanda- that they are the most technologically advanced and wealthiest nation.

   You wouldn’t tell him. T’Challa trusted you with that information, and you can’t betray him.

   ‘’You are being too critical of yourself. He cares about you. You’d make a good queen, Y/N. You are smart, kind, intuitive, beautiful…’’

   ‘’What does being beautiful have to do with being queen,’’ you laugh, wiping more tears away, laughing despite yourself.

   ‘’I mean,’’ he gently caresses your face, and your breath catches in your throat.

   Hazel eyes are trained on yours, and your mind feels like it’s moving through mud.

   ‘’You’re so beautiful,’’ he leans in then, and your mind then starts moving as fast as our heart is beating.

   You could kiss him. You want to. Besides, if you and T’Challa aren’t exclusive, it’s okay, right? He is attracted to you, you are attracted to him, and this is the most you’ve felt for anyone since you fell for T’Challa.

   His lips are almost on yours, and you’re holding your breath the way that your mind is telling you to hold on to the moment, and…

   You turn your head.

   His face is inches away from yours, but the side of your face is to him.

   ‘’Maybe I should go,’’ you whisper, and you hear him sigh before he presses a kiss to the top of your head.

   ‘’I’m sorry,’’ he tells you, running a hand down his face, ‘’That was uncalled for.’’

   ‘’It’s… I mean, I’m kind of uncomfortable. Not gonna lie. I’m gonna go,’’ you grab your keys, phone and wallet, heading back into the night.

   You’re not sure what happened.

   You could have kissed him, and you wanted to but it didn’t feel right.

   It didn't’ feel like it should have happened- not with him getting over his ex and you still not sure what you and T’Challa are anymore.

   It’s August.

   You’re not sure where you stand with T’Challa. And as summer begins to draw to a close

   It’s summer and the storm outside of your apartment is raging inside of you.

   It is summer and you’re missing T’Challa, the warm and bright sunny weather fo the next day becoming a stark contrast from your mood.

   It’s summer and pictures of you and your co-worker hugging at the restaurant the day after he tried to kiss you, of you and him laughing together in that restaurant, are surfacing on the internet.

   It’s summer when you read ‘’Prince T'Challa’s EX??’’ and ‘’Well at least now Prince T’Challa can do better lol not surprised’’ and ‘’Gross!’’ and ‘’Who cares’’ surface.

   It’s summer and you are ignoring T’Challa’s

   It’s summer and you desperately need to talk to T’Challa.

   Before it’s too late.

Fall

   The leaves change colors, as does the temperature, and with it, your relationship status.

   You and T’Challa broke up three weeks ago, and it still feels like it was last week.

   You agreed to be friends, but it’s hard when your miles apart and both hurting.

   And it’s even harder when the pictures that suffer of him attending events with Nakia hit you harder than the cold wind that slaps your face.

   ‘’Miss Y/N, are you okay?’’ Brandon, one of your kindergartners questions.

   He’s looking up at you with bright brown eyes, his cute little afro topped with leaves.

   ‘’I am fine, Brandon. I take it you had fun at recess,’’ you giggle, helping him get the leaves out of his head.

   ‘’I did! Kassidy found a quarter in the lunch room, and Brady and I jumped in all the leaves!’’

   His infectious laughter warms your heart, and makes you feel a bit better.

   ‘’That sounds awesome, buddy! Okay, boys and girls! Gather at the carpet! It’s calendar time.’’

   You’re in line doing bus duty, making sure all of the students get on the right bus at the end of the day, when Danny approaches you.

   ‘’Hey,’’ he smiles tiredly, ‘’How’s my teaching buddy?’’

   ‘’Exhausted. The kids were all over the place today,’’ you groan, running a hand through your hair, ‘’I mean, I love ‘em. But I am definitely gonna need to recollect myself before open house tomorrow.’’

   ‘’Well, I’m going to get some take out and watch some bad television. Do you want to come,’’ he asks m and before you can protest, he interjects, ‘’Just as friends!’’

   You mull it over.

   Shift back and forth.

   Decide to take him up on it.

   That’s how you find yourself sitting on Danny’s floor as he makes a lesson plan for the next day, and you grade the kindergartner’s self portraits.

   ‘’I told these kids to put the correct number of eyes and noses,’’ you groan, ‘’This one didn’t even draw himself. He drew a cat.’’

   Danny chuckles, takes a sip of his water, and looks over at you.

   ‘’You’re cute when you get nervous.’’

   ‘’I’m cute no matter what,’’ you raise an eyebrow, ’’What you mean?’’

   He laughs again, the stretches, letting out a yawn.

   ‘’It’s pretty late. I can walk you home if you’d like. You don’t live that far from me. ‘’

   You look at the clock and realize that it’s ten. You’re normally asleep by now.

   ‘’Geez. Um, yeah. That’d be great,’’ you nod, packing up your things as he wanders off to get his shoes.

   The walk to your apartment building is quiet, the only sound being the leaves crunching under your feet.

   ‘’So… I guess you and T’Challa broke up?’’

   ‘’We did,’’ you nod, ‘’Um, recently.’’

   ‘’I’m sorry to hear that. I know how badly you wanted it to work out.’’

   ‘’I did, but this is for the best, I suppose. And there are no hard feelings- we are still friends.’’

   ‘’I’m glad to hear that. You’ll find someone someday,’’ he tells you as you reach the door of your apartment building, ‘’So, uh, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.’’

   ‘’I will see you tomorrow. Good night, Danny,’’ you turn to head up the stairs.

   ‘’Hey, Y/N?’’

   ‘’Yes, Danny?’’

   ‘’Would you like to get drinks on Friday?’’

   He’s asking you out and not asking you out at the same time… testing the water to see if he should dive right into asking you on a date.

   And you think it over right then and there.

   You’re single.

   It appears that T’Challa has moved on.

   In short, you’ve got nothing left to lose.

   So, for the first time since you said yes to being T’Challa’s girlfriend over two years ago, you dive right into the dating scene.

   What have you got to lose?

November comes around quicker than you can imagine, and you’re getting the students ready for the fall play.

You and Danny have been together for two weeks, there is a new student in your class, and you've ever found a weekend job teaching arts and crafts at the community center.

   Just like it does with nature, autumn is bringing new changes into your life.

   Perhaps the biggest one is the one in front of you.

   ‘’I have missed you. I am so sorry that we have not been speaking as much,’’ T’Challa begins, lighting up your screen as you two video chat.

   You’ve caught up, talking for three hours.

   He’s so busy with meetings and such, and you tell him you understand.

   You tell him that you’ve moved on, that you’re dating again, and he tells you that he’s happy for you.

   And he is. You are both still getting over each other, but he is happy for you. T’Challa doesn't say things that he doesn’t mean. It’s not in his character.

   You say your goodbyes, agree to meet up when he is in town.

It’s fall and you’re feeling warm inside despite the chill in the air. It’s fall and the leaves are falling to the ground and you are falling in love again . It’s fall and you’re not over T’Challa yet but you will be. It’s fall and you’re hoping that falling in love this time won’t leave you running away and regretting it like you did with T’Challa. Not that you’ll ever say that out loud. No, you’ll store it away. Hide it deep down inside of yourself the way that freshly fallen red and golden and orange leaves hide the pavement of the sidewalk. It’s early December, still fall and you’re trying not to second guess the decision that you and T’Challa made in August or July or whatever month you broke your own heart when you broke up with him.

Try not to think about second thoughts.

Try not to think about what you'd do differently if you got a second chance.

Winter

   Winter comes in with a bang, a giant snow storm trapping Danny at yours and Deena’s apartment for a whole weekend.

   It’s in that weekend that you learn new things- he likes to paint, likes to make candles, likes to watch reality television. He’s more artistic than you ever knew. He likes to write, too, and it’s nice.

   But he’s not T’Challa, and he can never be.

   You know he sees you’re not into this, sees that you’re trying.

   Wonders if he can ever be what you want.

   ‘’I guess what I’m saying is… maybe we rushed into this. We’re, like… I don't know. I’m not over Caroline, I feel like I’m trying to make you replace her, and I don’t wanna deal that.’’

   ‘’I’m glad you said something,’’ you let out a relaxing breath, ‘’I feel like I’ve been doing the same with you and T’Challa.’’

   ‘’Geez, no wonder we’re perfect together,’’ he says sarcastically, ‘’I care about you. I just think we’re better off as friends.’’

   You pause.

   You nod.

   Then, you find that you agree with him.

   Now, you marvel in the way there seems to be a weight lifting off of your shoulder.

   You say goodbye to him when he snow melts enough for him to leave, and find yourself on the couch with Deena, watching reality television and news stories.

   ‘’So now that you and Me. Hottie-Teacher-who-has-an-extensive-bowtie-collection are broken up, what do we do now?’’

   ‘’I don't know. I’m pretty sure T’Challa’s dating Nakia. I mean, she’s been pictured with him at every event. We even just saw that story about them. I need to move on.’’

   ‘’Girl, you need to talk to T’Challa.’’

   ‘’And say what? ‘I’m sorry I ran from this. I want you back’?’’

   ‘’We could so totally do that. I'll even stand behind you and sing back up.’’

   ‘’Girl, you’re a hot mess.’’

   ‘’Takes one hot mess to know another hot mess, hot mess.’’

   You laugh then, the first genuine all weekend.

   Maybe she’s right. Maybe you should talk to T’Challa.

   Maybe you should let go.

   Maybe you waited too long, or played our cards wrong.

   A million thoughts run through your mind now: What would you even say?

   Do you even want to get back together?

   Or do you just want things to stay like they are right now?

   And, most importantly: What does T’Challa really want?

   December 31 finds you at a banquet hall in New York City at a New Year’s Eve party hosted by Tony Stark. King T’Chaka is there, his wife Ramonda being his date. Shuri stayed in Wakanda. But who did come?

   The prince of T’Challa himself: T’Challa.

   It’s the first time you’ve seen each other face-to-face, in person, since August.

   ‘’You look stunning’’ he tells you as he twirls you, your black, floor length dress kissing the floor, ‘’Thank you for being my date.’’

   T’Challa had messaged you two weeks ago and asked you to attend this event with him. With it being short notice, he even offered to buy you a dress and pay for your ticket and everything.

   ‘’’’Thank you for inviting me. I’m surprised,’’ you tell him as he escorts you to your seat, your arm linked through his and a glass of champagne in your other hand, ‘’Where’s Nakia?’’

   ‘’Oh, I am not sure of her actual location. He's probably somewhere changing the world with her boyfriend.’’

You let out a hacking cough, coughing superheroes and dignitaries and celebrities and T’Challa to look at you.

‘’Are you alright?’’

‘’Her boyfriend?’’

‘’Yes. Despite what the media tries to paint, Nakia and I are no more together than you and I are.’’

You can tell he’s trying to joke about it, that he still feels awkward around you, that he wants to not make you feel uncomfortable.

‘’Okay… we never actually talked about the break up. We can if you want.’’

‘’Not here. But we can go back to my hotel suite and talk if you would like. Just friends?’’

‘’Just friends.’’

You believe that as he passes you glass of water to replace the glass of champagne that you snorted out of your nose.

You believe it when he teases you about it for the rest of the night.

You believe it when he treasures Ramonda and T'Chaka that you two are just friends but civil.

You believe it when he twirls you on the dance floor, holding you close and laughing as you both dance.

You believe it until you're back at his hotel suite, his hands on your waist, and you’re tasting his mouth against yours.

‘’I thought we were going to talk.’’

‘’Letter, Y/N. We will talk later,’’ he brings his lips back to yours, and the kiss is hungry and ravenous.

But you’re not sure he’s over her.

‘’But Nakia-’’

‘’Not tonight. I do not want to hear her name tonight. Please,’’ he cradles your face in his hands as he leans his forehead against yours, catching his breath the way you’re touching yours.

The way that you’re catching this moment and trying not to let go.

‘’Can I kiss you again?’’

‘’Yeah,’’you don’t even give him a chance to move before you’re kissing him again, letting go, diving in, not thinking about anything but his lips against yours and your arms around his neck.

It’s the next morning, and you’re waking up with his arm around your waist, the sunlight streaming in.

‘’Good morning,’’ he presses a kiss to your forehead, ‘’Happy New Year.’’

‘’Good morning. Happy New Year.’’

You stay like that for fifteen more minutes, soaking in the sunlight.

‘’I know we just kissed last night, but I really,really missed you. It wa nice to feel close to someone again.’’

You don’t lie, and tell him that it was nice to feel that intimate with someone again.

‘’T’Challa? Where does this leave us?’’

He blinks once, twice, and again.

‘’I am not sure.’’

‘’I still love you,’’ you admit, ‘’I'm scared though.’’

‘’Scared of what?’’

‘’What you want. I have thought about marrying you so many times since we broke up. Even when I was with Danny, I thought about you. I thought about having children with you. I regret my decision for months after we broke up.’’

‘’I did, too,’’ he admit, ‘’I wondered if I maybe came on too strong.’’

‘’You didn't. You didn’t, but I was afraid, so I pushed you away. I’m so sorry for doing that.’’

Silence.

‘’I love you, too.’’

‘’I want you back,’’ you tell him, deciding to dive right in.

‘’Do you? Because nothing has changed, my love. If we are gonna make this work, things have got to give. On both of our ends.’’

‘’I can do that. Give a little, take a little. That is, if that’s what you want.’’

He pops back onto his back then, the fluffy mattress letting out a huff of air as he does so. Brown eyes stare up at the ceiling, and you take a minute to look him over.

T'Challa is just as gorgeous on the outside as he is on the inside. The smooth, brown skin is warmth. HIs eyes hold the galaxies in them, the way they change from copper to dark brown to amber in the sun. His hair is a landscape of ebony curls, coarse and beautiful.

‘’T’Challa,’’ uo ask after another beat, ‘’Is that what you want?’’

Spring

   Spring comes back around again, as you knew it would.

   With it comes a new job opportunity, one that you take without question.

   With spring comes a new onset of tears as you say goodbye to your students, promising to visit the school if you can.

   Spring brings rebirth,

   With spring comes Anthony and Alyssa’s actual wedding, since the other got postponed. You found yourself dancing with your now boyfriend, laughing and thinking about the way you want your wedding to be when you inevitably marry him in a few years.

   Spring brings rebirth.

   WIth spring comes new beginnings.

   Spring brings rebirth.

   Spring brings a new relationship, built on trust and understanding and taking chances but also calculating all of the risks. It brings shy kisses, holding hands, late night conversations.

Spring brings rebirth.

One year from now, spring will bring the man that you love more than anyone on the world asking you to move in with him.

A year from then, he will propose.

A year from that day, you will become his wife.

   A year from that you welcome your first child with him, and recognize that sometimes you have to let go of what you wanted to welcome the best things in life.

   You'll have a second child the following spring.

   And this spring, five years later, you stand in front of a mirror, staring at yourself as you are dressed in a purple gown with a matching headpiece.

   ‘’My love, are you ready to become the Queen of Wakanda?’’

   With one last look and a rub to your four month pregnant stomach you nod, taking T’Challa’s hand in yours.

   ‘’I am. I am ready.’’

   Spring brings rebirth.

   It brings second chances.

   It brings rekindled relationships.

   It brings returned love.

   Seasons change.

   People change.

   Nothing is for certain.

   But one thing will never change: T’Challa Udaku, the new king of Wakanda, the dad toy for children, the love of your life… you two will always find your way back to each other. That is given. You will always be thankful for the day that you kissed him in your dorm room, and the day that he kissed you in his suite.

   Your love story was full of ups and downs. It was hard to follow at times, but there was an order to the madness- it wasn’t meant to be easy after all. It was meant to show, that, yes, this thing is hard. You and T’Challa had to fight for what you have. You had to change, like the seasons, be flexible, like the seasons. He had to change, too. You both had to weather the storms and bad decisions for something new to be born.

   And you don’t regret a single moment of your chaotic love story, because you could never argue with the results. They are wonderful, and you know that.

   And that is one thing that will never change.

Disclaimer- I do not own any of the Marvel Characters or their fictional universes, Those belong to the rightful and respectful owners.

@kumkaniudaku @airis-paris14 @theunsweetenedtruth @halfrican-heat

[eurekq]

got my full fanganronpa designed with names and backstories and personalities and everything... character info is under the cut! all the bios took about a week to put together so i hope you give them a look <3

basic premise: 16 fresh-out-of-highschool prodigies are invited to star in well-respected and widely-watched reality tv show, which takes place on a cruise ship. what they weren't expecting was for the show's 25th season to be a killing game! the students: TOMOKO KAITA: a peppy and outgoing astrology guru who can read your deepest flaws and strengths with just your date and time of birth. known worldwide for her extremely accurate personal horoscopes. despite this, she strongly believes in the ability of an individual to defy their fate through hard work and self improvement. she dislikes giving negative horoscopes, and does her best to focus on the positives that the stars hold in store. her smile brightens the whole room! she is intensly loyal to her friends, to the point of self-sacficing emotional labor. KENJI MINAMOTO: a formal and eccentric olympic fencer whose strange insistance on not wearing protective gear during practice (he believes it makes him better by giving him a stronger motivation to not get hit) has earned him many a scar over the years, and has left at least half of his joints in braces at any given time. he follows his own bushido-esque moral code, although he will not put himself above whapping the occasional really annoying person in the ankles. his épée is his best friend and he carries it most everywhere. most of the scars on his face and hands are actually from trying to put in his very sharp industrial piercings while drunk. despite his oddities, his lightfooted and elegant fencing has been compared by many to a graceful dance. HAZUKO KAGENO: a secretly sweet and polite orphan who took up puppetry as a child in an orphanage to amuse the younger kids. years of retreating into her puppets' personas has left her unable to communicate normally, and she prefers to talk through her puppets, her favourite being lady ravensdale, a proper lady in victorian fashion. she doesn't take very good care of her actual appearance, with long, tangled, split-ended hair and rips in her clothes. the only exception is her hands, which she keeps meticulously maintained and manicured, since they're the only part of her body visible during shows. her creepy smile and wide, glazed-over eyes are offputting to most she meets, but she is a truly kind and passionate person whose animated and lively puppet shows can bring a smile to any childs face. EISUKE ITOU: eisuke grew up sewing clothes for his younger sisters barbie dolls, and he particularly loved dressmaking. he gained exposure in his first year of highschool by handmaking gorgeous outfits for his class's booth at the school festival, and, through application to various junior fashion competitions, he was eventually noticed by a big-name designer in paris. however, he found learning french next to impossible and has spent the year prior to the game in relative isolation, unable to have any real human conversation. his pyschological state was fairly severely impacted by his long hours spent sewing and designing on internship with no company to get him by, and he is now debilitatingly socially anxious and finds conversation difficult and awkward. SHIN TOKUGEN: a silver-tongued and charistmatic human interest and general news reporter who specializes in getting personal accounts from those affected by newsworthy events. growing up billingual in english and japanese due to his american mother, language comes as easy as breathing to him. in addition to his mother tongues, he fluently speaks chinese, korean, arabic, spanish, and russian. news outlets pay hefty prices for his emotionally provacative and insightful interview stories, which covers all his travel expenses. he has a unique talent for getting complete strangers to reveal to him things that they might not even tell close friends. actual casual conversation with can be a little offputting, since it always feels like an interview, even when he's trying his best to not. MARIKO MIKAMI: mariko was a sickly child, and spent a large part of her elementary school years in hospitals. around the age of seven, she began folding paper cranes as something to do, and wished to live normally after she folded her 1000th. she soon recovered, and feels that she owes her life to origami. she is precise and calculating in everything she does, which shines through in her art: every delicate, artful piece of origami that she makes is creased and folded perfectly. she also dabbles in wet-fold origami. she's most famous for her dry-fold though, and her pieces are well known for their complex, precise, mathematical beauty. she refuses to fold paper cranes anymore, feeling that they are too sacred for her to touch after they saved her life as a child. a calm, slightly disconcerting smile is always on her face, no matter the circumstance; her manner is consistantly cool and polite. YUU IROIKE: yuu iroike isn't even his real name, and it's a mystery as to how show staff even tracked down his mailing address to get him on the show. he's a well-known public figure for painting huge, sprawling, colorful murals in tokyo, yet who he really is remains unknown. he paints faster than his murals can be scrubbed away, and has somehow never been prosecuted for vandalism because his graffiti is generally considered an improvment. he's sly, mysterious, and teasing in person, and gets a bit of an itchy trigger finger when he hasn't painted in a while. His skill with spray paint is so great that it seems as if the paint bends to his very will. MARIYA HAN: born and raised in rio de janeiro, mariya moved to her father's home country of japan at the age of eleven. inspired by the more vibrant trends in brazil as opposed to japan, mariya broke out of her mold at the age of 13 by experimenting with dramatic makeup and dying her hair blonde. she has adopted a delinquent-ish persona over the years due to general disapproval from teachers because of the looks she presents. her impeccable sense of all-around style has made her one of the very few half-japanese models to appear on the covers of magazines like kera and zipper. she has an uncanny sense of color and structure and is able to create attractive and stylish looks for almost any face. HARUMI HAMANAKA: harumi is a sweet and bubbly girl, if almost cloyingly so. her good luck is a fairly stable force (nowhere near as chaotic as komaeda, for example), generally acting in the favor of wishes of people around her. her mother intensly wanted for her to be on the show because of the exposure it provides, and this is what harumi attributes to her being selected. despite the way her luck operates, shes no doormat and in fact has an overwhelming force of personality, and her sweet demeanor can become rather passive aggressive if challenged on pretty much anything. MOMOTAROU KOBARA: momotarou, born into a rich family that fufilled his near-every want, made a name for himself in the world of collecting at the age of just eleven by, through luck and love for the series, collecting every pokemon card. from then on he set onto collecting just about anything non-perishable: pins, collectors set bandaids, vinyls, etc. he has exceptional luck in finding deals on ebay and other sites. he cant really be called a hoarder, since he likes to have just one of everything; he resells, gifts, or uses any duplicates. his mood swings between a dreamy, chilled out, flirtatious persona and periods of numb depression when it hits him that his whole life revolves around material possesions and that he has no real human connections. CHOUMI YUKIYAMA: exceptional among even her fellow shsls, choumi made her historic mark on ballet by becoming the world's youngest ever prima ballerina at the age of 13 and japan's first ever prima ballerina assoluta at 18. fans flock to her ethereal, angelic grace on stage as well as to the percieved sense of otherworldlyness surrounding her albinism. on the darker side of her popularity, repeated sexual harassment from fans and male dance partners alike has hardened her world view to make her not quite cold, but definitely reserved in her emotions. she adapts fairly easy to stressful situations and pushes through pain with almost no visible outward struggle due to her all too common experience with dancing through foot and ankle injuries. because of this she usually ends up taking initiative in difficult scenarios if no one else steps forward. she is also a quite talented hobbyist figure skater and is fluent in both english and russian. REN KIKUHARA: a fairly odd florist in that instead of ordering flowers to arrange into bouquets, every flower he sells is grown himself. although this means that his selection is seasonally and fairly regionally limited, he has an incredible talent for working with plants and can even sometimes coax out-of-zone flowers to grow. he's fluent in hanakotoba and is surprisingly good at flirting through flowers without it seeming cheesy, although he doesn't do it very often. people often remark that his bouquets often seem to have more love and life in them than store-bought ones. ren is a calm and kind soul and prefers listening to talking, with what he does say always seeming to be just the right words for the situation. JUN TENSEI: born jun harada, many believe that his spiritual connection is the real deal, but a few critics hold that he is most likely just an incredibly talented bluffer. the real truth about him is unknown, but many say that his seances do accurately reflect the personalities of their deceased loved ones and help them feel at peace. he is deeply religious, but not to any one traditional faith (although he does use traditional christian symbols such as crucifixes and items such as holy water on occasion). he believes strongly in the power of the soul and its ability to exist beyond death. his voice is soft and low, and he has a penchent for gentle teasing and riddles. he comes off as pretty shady to most, but he's fairly harmless. SARA KUROKAWA: a talented young woman from a long line of popular backalley tattoo artists. she combines traditional symbolism and youthful influence in her designs to make something new and more appealing for the younger generation, and is a huge proponent for tattoos being shown off for fashion rather than hidden away in the traditional style. sara does have (illegal) tattoos done by her older siblings on her arms despite the minimum age being 20, although her being homeschooled, looking older than her actual age, and having a tendency to wear long sleeves year round has led her to encounter few problems. she and her family are among the many who simply choose to ignore the statute requiring a medical license to tattoo. sara is a fairly rude person in a backhanded way, acts stereotypically catty, and enjoys making herself the center of attention, whether through her appearance (dyed pink hair and white contacts) or the things she says. the only two things that can break her shell and make her excited and genuine are tattooing and piano, which she has played from a young age and loves. SHOU KATSUKI (PROTAG): pushed to succeed in the game from a very young age, shou is japan's reigning chess champion, a FIDE-certified grandmaster, and went to international competition the year before the killing game. he played through to the finals with influenza, which worsened through the matches due to lack of treatment and culminated in debilitating pneumonia that left him in the hospital and unable to play for first. because of this, he's cultivated a sort of inferiority complex that he tries to cover for with self-confidence, which actually comes off as condescending rudeness. he has a natural talent for cause and effect analyzation and is good at planning ahead. he gets flustered easily over trivial things and is a sore loser, but tends not to crack under actual pressure. shou doesn't like to be associated with his family due to the intense pressure they put him under only to steal his winnings the second he began to succeed and thus prefers to be referred to by his given name, even by near-strangers. he does genuinely love chess, but his favourite board game is actually risk. (no one ever wants to play with him, though.) MIKI SHIMAZAKI: a child prodigy from a family of cheerleaders, miki learned to love the sport over years of family pressure. famous for winning back to back nationals from age 13 to present, she's well aware of the image of unintelligence and sexualisation that comes along with being a young girl in cheerleading, and these two topics are sort of trigger points for her. after a while she grew tired of people telling her that they were suprised she was nice and were expecting her to be a bitch, so she adopted a fake-nice, popular girl type persona to basically give people what they were expecting. miki trusts very few people due to the many creeps shes encountered, but her few friends are the most important thing in her life and she would stop at nothing to protect them.