#treating tumblr like a diary now. fuck it

[jichanxo]

back 👍 ended up using tumblr app more than i anticipated so i don't think i was as noticeably absent as i thought i would be 😅 (more under the cut for the curious)

wanted to show my rgg/je mutuals that i went as tomizawa for one day of the con :D my sister was chitose! it was a lot of fun to be matching... i understand how people get addicted to this stuff now.... there were quite a few majimas and kiryus around so we got a few pictures which was fun! got recognised by a few people despite it being a pretty lowkey cosplay. i kept a little notebook on me so i could give sketches to people who said hi! i think i might have to do that again...

touristy stuff + karaoke (my friend made sure to pick a spot where we could sing bakamitai!) my sister's pictures are a lot better than mine are 😅 so i nicked most of these from her. we got a bit seasick on the boat... the open sea really is no joke....

obligatory food post. the colourful person in the back is me lol. so many places to eat over there compared to where i am...

probably going to be less active for about a week or so cause i'm going to sydney (and attending smashcon).

[solacessbc]

Do you ever just read the name of a fic and have to pause to give yourself a moment because Oh god, I know what’s going to happen and I need to prepare myself like fully set down what you’re doing to think it through

I think the name of a fic before even reading the story made me realize something about myself

…

And no I will not be sharing what said thing is.

And future me may or may not remember either.

You forgetful bitch lmao

It was a Johnlock fic btw if that helps

Probably makes it worse but oh well have fun finding this later whoever’s reading this ;)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

truly people with Big Tumblr Accounts who post things about their irl problems and feelings and mental health and stuff are so wild to me. I can barely make a post stating extremely milquetoast opinions without an entire clown fiesta showing up to turn my notes radioactive; truly I can't imagine giving these people access to my vulnerable interiority. thank god I got over the urge to treat tumblr like a diary when I was in my early twenties because I'd be fucking cooked if I tried that shit now.

[wolfish-trickster]

Pen pal

Geto x fem!reader

College AU

Word count: 12,6K

Summary: After your meme post about your STEM studies is noticed by a kind stranger the two of you start a conversation and become internet friends.

Warnings: cussing, typos, grammar mistakes, probably not accurate for all colleges since I'm using mine as a reference, fluff, angst, slowburn, eventual smut (i'm bad at writing it so sorry)

A/N: wanted to write angsty af, but turned to smut.... enjoy and don't get used to it 😂

You hit send and stretch on your chair, your spine cracks after sitting down and hunching over your laptop for so long. It wasn't the healthiest but once you started writing you couldn't stop. Words in your begged you to let them out into the world. Or rather your final essay.

It took a while but it was finally finished. A week in advance, might you add. With this thing off your hands you could finally relax and concider the first year of your college to be officially over. All finals done and graded, no fails or retakes. And you have three months of doing absolutely nothing before you.

You smiled looking at the mail to the professor, your essay attached and secured.

Wait a minute.

The file you saved and attached has a different name than your final version.

You panic, quickly attach the file titled "final draft" and write: I'm sosorry mr prof i acidentally sentd the wrong file, this is the corr.rect one.

Only after you hit send did you notice all the typos but frankly you didn't care. Even this little embarassment was way better than your little what you deem funny notes written everywhere in your essays. It's like a fun excercise for you, using humor to keep your brain from falling asleep and potentionally hitting a block.

"Calm down heart, everything is okay," you whisper to yourself, "look, the correct version is there. Now you can start a summer break. So please, stop beating so fast."

But your heart knew something you didn't yet and kept rapidly beating. You stared at the new mail. The correct file was right there so why-

You didn't copy the conclusion from the draft to the final file. You checked the final draft just in case and sure enough the three paragraphs you wrote ten minutes ago weren't there.

"How can I be this fucking stupid?!" you cussed at yourself while you were pressing ctrl, c and v keys fixing your mistake.

This time you took deep breaths, wrote gramatically correct apology, attached the correct file (which you opened before you attached it) and finally hit send.

You finally calmed down. Now that you think about it the poor professor of yours will be so confused but amused as well. You chuckled to yourself and already formed a meme in your head.

After couple of minutes it was shining proudly on your laptop screen:

Maybe it was the sleep deprived state you were in or the hilarity of your dumbness but right now you though this was the funniest meme you've ever created. You proudly logged on your tumblr account and posted it.

Your blog was relatively small, only reblogging interesting pictures and almost never making your own original posts. And even those you did make didn't get any recognision so you started treating it as your own personal diary. Venting about stuff that went wrong in your life, making memes either about things happening to you or after your brain once again made a weird connection between two subjects discussed in class. Almost no one but you found them funny, hence the lack of notes under your posts but you stopped caring a long time ago. You found them funny and it was all that mattered.

But now all that matter was you finally getting a good night's sleep with no stress, no alarm waking you up early to study, absolutely nothing.

Being dumb as always you forgot to turn off your usual 7am alarm. Groaning you rached for your phone and with one eye still closed you tried turning it off. Only to notice something unusual. You got a notification. From tumblr. Someone liked your post. And commented too!

All sleepiness left your body as you quickly went into the app on your phone and checked the notes.

⬛ black-swallow commented: damn and here i thought i was the only one making dumb mistakes in college 😂

For your first ever comment it was certainly...something. You didn't know whether to comment back playfully or leave it. But out of pure curiosity you commented back.

@ black-swallow yeah nah, there are more of us. Btw what was the dumbest thing you did?

The reply would probably take a while, if ever, so you started your morning routine: skin care, brush your teeth, hair, etc.

As you sat down with your breakfast you checked the notes and surprisingly your new buddy commented back.

⬛️ black-swallow: i basically did the same thing you did with your essay, but i did it with my application. Had to send it four times...

You almost spit out your water. Four times? Poor fella. Must've been so stressed.

@ black-swallow oh that sounds really stressful. But hey you got in in the end!

⬛️ black-swallow: yeah, and got kicked out too :')

Okay now's the time to stop talking, unless you want to embarass yourself even further. Cringing at yourself you closed the app and turned off your phone. First person you interacted with on that god darn app and you embarass yourself like that. Unbelievable.

After finishing breakfast you had no plans for the day. Other than enjoying your fellow freshmen stress about their finals which you since long passed. You just propped up your legs and relaxed. Until you heard another tumblr notification.

But this time it was a dm.

Sorry to bother you like this but can i ask what does bioarcheology mean? Sounds terrifying.

"Calm down," you said to yourself, "it's just a dm, nothing difficult. Besides this person sounds nice. They don't know you, they can't see you, they can't hurt you."

The years of your parents beating your head with 'don't talk to strangers online' went out the window the moment you replied to the very first person reaching out to you through internet.

Nothing interesting really, i picked that class for extra credit anyways 😅

The reply came in imediately. You and this person must be in the same timezones. How lucky!

Come on, don't be so humble. When i passed my first scary sounding class i was talking about it to everyone willing to listen

Well, what was your scary sounding class then?

Biophysics

Holy 💀 physics alone is hell but mixing it with biology as well?

Ikr? Honestly some lectures were really interesting but others were like a lullaby for me 😴

I understand, some bioarcheology lectures were boring for me too. By the way what college are you on?

*were. Medicine.

Sorry, i forgot 😣 and yeah, should've guessed... sorry

Hey it's okay. And don't apologize, maybe things were supposed to be like this

What do you mean?

I wasn't feeling very well on that school, i just didn't wanna quit in the first year. And before you ask i dropped out after second

So you were forcing yourself to stay on a school you didn't like anymore for two years?

Yup. Everyone else had gotten to the schools they wanted and loved it, i felt like i was wasting my time but if i left willingly only after a year i would be a year behind everyone else. So i left it up for fate

And fate decided to kick you out

True to that. But i still like science, just not the medicine part of it...

After studying biophysics i'm not even surprised...

It took your college drop out some time to write a reply so you made yourself a cup of your favourite tea, force of habit since you studied with it too. So far you're starting to like texting with some complete stranger. Getting to know their story. Is this why people casually slide into others' dms?

Your friend finally replied.

Sorry, my roommate needed help with packing. As for your last message there were lots of other classes that were equally if not harder than biophysics, but all of them either dealt with anatomy or physiology which is basically memorizing. When it comes to finding patterns and math and using logic i'm pretty slow

You chuckled and typed a reply.

You'd like it on my college then. Lots of memorizing, very little logic. Which sucks for me because i'm the exact opposite 😂

Well, now that i'm a free man and know an insider i just might apply 👀

So now that you know he's a man. Okay, you can live with that. Even though you felt a tad more nervous now that you know something a bit more specific.

What's your school called?

It's the natural science one. The same city as your previous school

You vividly remember your bus passing by the best medical school in your entire country. You just hope he really was attending that one and not a different, less prestigeus one.

Natural science? So STEM in other words

Basically

Yeah i know which one. Coincidentally after highschool that one was my second choice in case med doesn't work out.

See, maybe fate wanted you in STEM all along

Haha, maybe 😂 My name's Suguru Geto by the way

I'm Y/N, nice to meet you :)

*

Summer quickly passed and the only thing you remember was your talks with Geto. They were shy and reserved at the begining, mostly starting with 'how are you?' continued with 'good, and you?' followed by some awkward silent minutes before it evolved into a deep conversation about the immortality of a cockroach.

You found out lots of things about his life. How he met his best friend in highschool, how the two of them and one other girl used to wreak havoc across the town, how they all got into the same college albait with different intentions. The girl called Shoko genuenly wanted to become a doctor dreaming about it her whole life. Geto's best friend Gojo, being very competitive but also a son of a wealthy CEO didn't need to go to a college but wanted to to be with his friends (later he admited to Geto he got into that school just to show Shoko it's not as hard as she said it was). And Geto applied because he had no idea where else to go. He liked science, biology, chemistry, being in lab, creating something new which would help the world. Med school sounded like the clear answer for him, if it wasn't for the boredom he experienced the first semester.

He told you how he struggled in some classes finding them absolutely unnecessary and beneath him, his professor condescendingly talking to them as if they were less than worm beneath the ground if they didn't know an answer. He went above and beyond to at least pass the class hoping next semester would be better. Oh how wrong he was. No matter what he did, no matter how selflessly he helped his classmates they never showed gratitude. When he upped his grade from barely passing to top of the class no one even bat an eye, as if that was a sure thing.

By the time second year came he was so mentally drained he didn't even bother to show up to classes anymore. Why bother if the teachers are just reading the text off of their powerpoint presentation and he has to learn it by himself in the end anyways?

The more he ranted to you the more you pitied him. For you STEM was the first and only path in your life, dreaming about it since you were a kid. For him though? Thinking you finally found your path only to be this utterly disappointed must've been like a stab to the back.

Getting a letter about him being expelled must've been half relieving to him and half disappointing. On one hand you have your freedom of choice back on the other you have the stress of possibly not making it in.

The entire summer wasn't just about him talking to you, no no, he was also a great listener. You complained about mundane things to him and he always answered in matter of minutes. He was always there for you, but now you were the one to be there for him as well.

Y/N i'm so stressed i feel like puking

You'll be fine, don't worry about it. If anything there are lots of plant pots on hallways for you to puke in and fertilize them ^^

As if... i'll go to the deanship like a civilized person thank you very much

Very classy geto 🙄 By the way which place holds the entrance exams? Have you found it?

B1 404, standing infront of it. Why? Did you take it someplace else last year?

No, never had to take it, had grades good enough

Show off

I know 😘

You cringed as you realized what emoji you just sent him. Force of habit from sending it to your friends whenever you manage to prank them. To your surprise he sent you back a winking AND smirking emoji. You blushed. He has never sent you anything flirty or suggestive. Why would he? The two of you didn't even know eachother that well or what the other one looked like. He could be a slimy looking weirdo with a pedo-moustache for all you knew.

Okay Y/N, gotta go now, wish me luck

Always Geto, good luck!

*

Can I ask you something?

It was weird for him to start your everyday conversation with this sentence, you thought.

Sure. Is it something about the school mister accepted?

No, don't worry, i'll get to exploiting you later 😏 I wanted to ask, what do you look like?

If the first message didn't make you blush the second one sure did. You never asked eachother about your appearance. You already made an image of him in your head. The longer you knew him the more your imagination turned him from a questionable weirdo to an almost cute nerd.

You'll see once the semester starts

You really think i can wait that long? Do you even know me? If you're shy would it be better if i showed you how i looked like first?

Yeah, that would be better.

It took couple of minutes before your screen lit up with a new message.

You almost passed out. There's no way someone can look this good in just an oversized tshirt and sweatpants. And a man bun of all things! The jawline, you were pretty sure it could cut diamonds. His eyes, narrow and sharp, with irises dark enough to not even see his pupils. And yet they seemed oddly kind to you.

The longer you looked at the selfie he sent you the more heat rushed to your face. There's no way a guy this gorgeous has been texting with you this entire summer.

That's not you

It is

It isn't! You just googled a model or something

A model you say 😏

That damn emoji will kill you one day. Before you could get a hold of yourself you got another selfie from him. This time he had a post-it note with your name on it between his lips.

Believe me now?

*

It's been a couple of days since he sent you that picture and you still haven't replied. Every morning Geto woke up and checked his phone but still no replies from you. Well, aside from a picture of a naked cat and calling it your nude.

"Your girlfriend still not talking to you?" Gojo asked.

Geto sighed. "Stop calling her my girlfriend. And yes, still nothing. I told you that last selfie would be too much for her."

Gojo took a bite from his apple. "Was worth a try," he said mouth half full of his granny smith, "didn't she send you a pic back?"

Geto showed him his phone screen and Gojo coughed out his chewed peace of apple.

"Ew, you're cleaning it," Geto jumped back from the mix of apple and spit that landed next to him on the couch.

"Hey and whose fault it is to bag a girl with an excellent sense of humor?" Gojo reluctantly went to the kitchen to get a wipe to clean up his mess. "And even if she's ugly her being funny may make up for it."

Geto sighed. "She's just a friend who happens to be my future upperclassman, I don't care if she's ugly. I mean, I'm friends with you afterall," he smirked.

Gojo showed him his tongue while pulling one of his lower eyelids down and left the living room. (A/N: what Gojo just did is like giving someone a middle finger but in japanese way)

*

You were more stressed than ever. Which was partially understandable, you're about to enter the second year of university tomorrow. The assignments, the lab reports, the midterms, the finals.... Your head was already spinning from the amount of studying that's infront of you. And they say the first year is usually the hardest.

But other than the usual fears you had another one called Geto Suguru. A guy you've been talking to the entire summer. A guy who has sent you bunch of winky and smirky faces. And his actual face. Twice.

Since then you'd talked sporadically. Not that he was pestering you about your own face reveal, he was oddly conciderate about you not wanting to show yourself to him just yet. Both of you were just busy. You with buying new supplies for all your classes and him with probably the same.

It wasn't that you thought of yourself as ugly or anything. On your best days you even thought of yourself as quite cute. But compared to other girls around you... you just fell into the background. Forever the side character.

Either way, the closer it got to the first day of the semester the more messages from him blew up your phone every day. Stuff as "where is the xyz class" or "does this professor take attendance every lecture?" was on a daily basis now. Gone were the deep talks or good mornings that made your heart skip a beat even before you knew what the guy sending you these messages even looked like. But you couldn't blame him. New environment. New people. If you were in his place you'd probably act the same.

For the last time you checked your phone for new messages from him. Aside from the one thanking you for a map of the campus nothing new. He must've gone to sleep already, you thought.

Checking your backpack for the last time before bed has soothed your thoughts about possibly bumping into your internet friend tomorrow. You finally went to bed.

*

The bus is usually empty whenever you take it to school. Which you thank all gods for because it's a thirty minute drive and with the amount of walking you still have to do to get to the school you were greatful for always finding an empty seat. Sitting by the window as usual, looking at all those different people going about their morning routine. Kids of all ages going to schools, adults either nervously honking at the car infront of them or taking their dog for a walk with no care in the stressed out world around them. You were stuck inbetween these two worlds. Still burdened with school work but also with adult chores. Stuck in your own personal limbo.

The bus turned right. A huge light blue building appeared in the corner of your eye. Outside the window was the medical school you always passed by kn your way to school. The same medical school your new friend attended few months ago. You started to wonder about him for the first time that day and your usual angxiety returned. How will you meet? And when? Would it be today? Should you approach him if you see him? How will he react?

Your train of thoughts came to a stop just like the bus. Outside the window at the bus stop stood a familiar modelylike face. The same face you took a screenshot of and stared at every day since he sent it to you.

Suguru Geto boarded the same bus. Eyes still half asleep never even looked your direction. He took a seat right infront of you giving you a perfect view of his luscius hair tied in a half up bun. You stared at him as if he was a ghost. You weren't ready to meet him this soon. What should you do? Should you tap him on the shoulder? No. Rather not. You remember how he told you about his morning temper and how he can snap at people if he doesn't get enough sleep.

Out of fear of him snapping at you you pulled your hand back and stared out the window again. You'll bump into him later. Hopefully.

You were tense the rest of the drive to your school. When the bus finally came to your stop you practically sprinted to the bus door and out onto the busy street. Not even bother to look back if Geto gave you a weird look you quickly walked up the stairs and up the hill quickly getting surrounded by fellow students. Some were familiar from the previous year, some were complete strangers. You could easily spot a freshman, by their nervous faces and unsure steps. You looked just the same before.

Now your step was more confident, knowing where to go, but your hands were nervously rubbing eachother. Sometimes you checked behind your shoulder and sure enough Geto was right there towering above most of the students. You had guessed he was tall but that tall?

No matter. Pretty soon your paths would drift apart. He already told you he has a virology lecture which takes place in a completely separate building than your biochemistry labs. If you were lucky you could pass by him in a hall today. You hoped not to though. Sitting behind him has already made your heart nearly beat out of your chest, how would it react if he was walking right towards you?

Suddenly your phone vibrated in your pocket as you walked through the front entrance. It was Geto. You exchanged phone numbers in case he ever needed anything and you weren't online to see his message. Which was what you told him. In reality you really wanted to hear his voice at some point. In a safe distance.

You pulled out your phone and checked to see what he had sent you. It was a picture of the front entrance with a caption "i'm on a highway to hell". You chuckled. Of course he would be into that type of music. Before you turned the phone off something caught your eye. It was the back of your head. Right there in the middle of the picture about to enter the school. You blushed. If only he knew he already took a picture of you.

You only replied with a smiley face and informed him you're already on your way to your first class. He wished you good luck as you did him and both of you stepped into the new chapter of your lives.

*

You traitor

Only a week into the semester and he already scared you half to death. Did he already find out what you looked like?

Why didn't you tell me i have to take organic chemistry again 😫

You sighed in relief.

Sorry buddy. But hey, look at it from the bright side: you already studied all of it once before. And i doubt our organic chemistry is more difficult than yours was

The lectures are fine, already had one this week. But the labs. THE LABS

Come on it can't be that bad. Judging by the pictures of your cooking over the summer, you're quite skilled at measuring and mixing ingredients. It just won't be edible

It's not that. The labs are super boring. You don't acomplish anything during them and their only purpose is for you to learn how to behave in labs in general, how to work with the various tools and how to properly write lab reports. They just prepare you for AFTER you already graduate

Isn't that how all labs are though?

Well, yes. But we at least had little competitions during our morgue classes

YOU WENT TO THE ACTUAL MORGUE 💀

No, don't worry. Me and Satoru called it that. It was actually autopsy room

Satoru. Your friend right?

Yeah

Do you miss him?

Sometimes. i mean we are still roommates but since we have different scheudals we don't get to interact much outside of weekends... But on the bright side as you like to say i can finally focus on the lectures 100%. Before Satoru used to always taunt me into playing tic-tac-toe. I miss the winning tho...

You chuckled. He was so goofy, despite looking really serious every time you caught a sight of him. Maybe he just has a resting homicide face.

Anyways, have to go now. Tomorrow is my first organic chemistry lab

Okay, good night Suguru! Good luck!

:)

What?

You called me Suguru

Only then you realized your mistake.

I'm so sorry 😣

It's fine. I like it. Good night. Sweet dreams <3

*

As unlucky as you were while texting Suguru you were lucky in other aspects. Your morning lecture got cancelled. Which meant you had around two hours of free time. Which you couldn't spend in bed unfortunatelly, because the little remnants of bad luck caused you to read the mail about cancelation only after you were already in school. It was fine tho. You could finally get a taste of true college life.

You got a coffee from school café, bought a sandwitch from the diner, found yourself a couch in a chill zone near the chemistry department, which were usually all full of stressed out or relaxing students, pulled out a laptop and worked on your lab report.

Working came easy to you even though you had rushing students all around you. Even through all the noise and distraction your fingertips still dance across the keys, your mind still produced intelligent sounding senteces. You were about to save the whole file when someone tapped you kn the shoulder.

"Yeah-?" you looked up and nearly died right then and there. It was Suguru. Towering above you with his hair fully pulled up except for a small strand framing his face. Has he found you already?

"Sorry but, do you know where the room CH1 409 is? We're kinda lost and only have like 7 minutes to get there," he said sheepishly as he stepped aside revealing what you assumed were his three lab mates. Two of them were girls. You hated how jealous you started to feel.

"S-sure," you managed to stutter out. "I can take you there actually. It's a little difficult to find and I'm not the best direction giver," you chuckled awkwardly while putting your laptop back to your bag.

"Wonderful! Thank you," said one of Suguru's friends.

You nodded and walked ahead of them. It was a shame you didn't get to hear his voice more. You decided to change it.

"So, you're freshmen," you started. As much as you hated smalltalk you really wanted to hear that smooth baritone of his.

Your unluckiness strikes again. "Yeah, how did you know?" said one of the girls.

"You dummy," told her the other girl, "she knows where the lab is, she's probably had to take the exact same classes as us!"

"Oh, yeah you're right."

"And how do you like it here so far?" you tried again.

"It's great here," answered the guy, "though some classes are pretty difficult. I have no idea how I'll be able to pass."

"Don't worry, if you have motivation you'll pass," you tried encouraging him. "What about you?" you directed your question at Suguru who was walking behind everyone.

He only shrugged. "Don't know, has only been a week. Too short to judge," he answere a bit coldly.

"Oh don't mind him," one of the girls patted your back, "he can be a giant ass sometimes."

Not to me though, you thought. What about all those times he was the sweetest guy with you? Maybe he just hasn't slept well. Yeah, that must be it.

Before you could try to conversate a bit more you arrived at the lab. There were other freshmen already waiting in their lab coats on and their notebooks in hands. Suguru and his friends pulled out their lab coats as well. Disappointed at your very first (albeit unofficial) meeting you turned around to leave when one of the girls stopped you.

"Thank you so much for showing us the way!" she said cheerfully. Behind her stood Suguru. Now that you think about it he was always walking behind her. If you inspected her more closely you noticed she had a miniskirt on with fishnets underneath.

Jealousy is a beast that you usually fight off quite quickly. But today you lost. "Can I give you an advice?"

"Sure," she smiled, her perfectly white teeth stood out against the deep red lipstick she had on.

"Don't wear too much make up to labs, the fumes from chemicals could react with it and burn you. Also tie your hair up," you gestured at her long silky waves while noticing how she tried to hide her big forhead by letting it down, "they could catch on fire."

Hopefully you desguised your pettiness as good enough of an advice. The girl you were talking to seemed convinced as she thanked you prefusely before asking around for a hairtie. The other girl already pulled out hers.

You waved goodbye to the freshmen, mostly Suguru. They waved back, except for Suguru who kept looking at you quizicaly.

Your previous spot on couches was occupied. You opted for a different resting place, near a room where your next lecture will be held in. It wasn't as cozy as the couch but it was free of any people and it had a desk too. No more balancing your laptop on your thighs.

As you sat down you pulled out your laptop, notebook from labs and a phone who was already telling you about one unread message from Suguru.

Met my first unpleasant person in this place

Your heart tightened. Unpleasant?

What do you mean?

However he didn't respond back. Of course he didn't. He had labs. He was probably busy with titration or other bullshit you did a year ago. You will just have to wait.

The waiting took half a day. Right as his labs were finishing your lecture was about to start. And since this professor wasn't one of the kind ones to send you his presentations you had to take notes manually. It took more than two hours for you to finally get on your phone.

We were lost on our way to organic chem labs and i had to ask someone on a way there. The girl was nice, she even lead us there. But then she made some passive agressive comments to my friend

Oh shit. Were you really that bad?

What did the girl say?

Just told her she can't wear that much make up and has to tie her hair back. My friend has acne she masks with the make up and pretty big forhead which she told me she's self conscious of. Whatever that girl was a bitch for saying that to her

You resisted the urge to cry, swallowed the huge lump in your throat and sat down on the nearest bench. You didn't mean to be that bad. Were you really acting like a bitch? Maybe he's just exaggarating. It was only pettiness. It won't happen again.

Those were good advices tho. The fumes from chemicals could mess up with the make up and burn her skin and if she leaned down above a burner her hair could catch on fire

Once you realized how much you sounded like "that bitch" Suguru was talking about you quickly typed another message.

It was the first thing our professor told us and he beat it into our heads every time a girl came in with lose hair

A reply from him came couple of minutes later.

Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just that That girl had a weird look on her face

You had no way of replying to that. Or mood to reply as well. You just wrote him a quick ttyl and went to the bus stop. On your way downhill from the school you felt your face heating up more and more from embarassement. You knew you should've fought with jealousy more. You knew you should've kept your mouth shut. Now that moment will haunt you forever. And not only that, if you ever get enough courage to reveal yourself to him he will instantly remember you as his first unpleasant person in there.

All in all, it was just the first week but you already want the whole semester to end.

*

Couple of weeks passed. Suguru and you texted nearly every day. Mostly after school. Sometimes he teased you by sending you picutres of stray cats near the campus with captions 'this you?' to which you always sent a rolling eye emoji.

Makes me wonder how many times we passed eachother 🤔

Lots, trust me

Whaaa? And you never bothered to talk to me?

We did actually

Your last message made him lean back too much on his chair and fall.

"You okay?" asked Shoko who still visited him and Gojo either out of boredom or nostalgia's sake.

Suguru ignored her concern and quickly shuffled in his memory. He has talked to so many people outside his class already. Mostly asking for directions to different places. But for the love of him he couldn't figure out if he talked to any girls or how many he talked to. Or how they looked like.

Aaaand can you tell me what we talked about?

You were asking for directions to a lab

Do you even know how little that narrows it down? And why are you so talkative today anyways? Did i tell you something rude or?

No. It's biochemistry. I can't figure it out 😭

Aaaw, my poor girl

As much as he liked the flustered reactions whenever he happened to mildly flirt with you he genuenly meant it this time. He remembers his own time figuratively and literally crying over biochemistry. He decided to take a leap of faith.

How about i study with you? I had biochemistry for two whole semesters and passed it by some miracle

You'd do that for me?

Sure. Besides after all the material you've already sent me and how much you already helped me it's about time i helped you back. Otherwise i just feel like a leech

There was no reply from you for couple of minutes and Suguru was affraid he maybe overstepped this invisible line you drew between them.

He heard hushed voices behind his back.

"What?" he snapped a little more annoyed than he intended.

"Is that girl ignoring you again?" Shoko puffed out some smoke from her cigarette.

"She isn't ignoring me," he waved his hand around in the cloud of smoke clearing the air a bit, "it just takes her a little longer."

"Riiight," Shoko put her cigarette between her lips again.

"I don't understand how the two of you haven't met already," Gojo complained. He should be studying along with Shoko but as usual he kept lounging around, dismissing Shoko's comments about him failing this class for sure with that attitude.

"Half of the semester is behind us already and you still have no idea how she looks like."

"She's shy, let her be."

"Aaaw, look how he's defending his girlfriend," Gojo cooed.

Geto glared.

"Soon to be girlfriend," Gojo corrected himself.

"With the way she's talking to me soon to be an ex friend. She's been so distant lately..." he rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Don't worry, maybe she's just busy," Shoko reassured him.

"She did mention something about biochemistry."

"See!"

"Even then, her messages have been rather weird. Sometimes she's her happy talkative self and other days she barely texts back a full sentence," he sighed.

Gojo patted his shoulder. "That's girls for you. Which reminds me," he pulled out his own phone out of his pocket, "there's a joined party for med students and scientists as well. How about we go? You'll finally get to relax," he adressed poor Shoko hovering above her notes, "and you can invite your soon to be slash maybe never be girlfriend and finally meet her! I plan on meeting this one lady myself so we can organize a double date if you're shy."

"No matter how much you try Utahime will still tell you to go fuck yourself," Shoko reminded him.

Gojo turned around at her. "Well first of all-!"

Geto payed no mind to their arguement anymore. His phone buzzed in his hand. You replied.

Okay. But can we study right now please? Through a phone call?

In a speed of light Geto sneaked out of the living room to his own bedroom and searched for his old biochemistry notes. Even though he offered to help he himself was pretty clueless and barely passed the finals. Still the urge to finally hear your voice was bigger than the embarassment possibly awaiting him.

As soon as he found the old dusty notebook he sat down at his desk and dialed you.

It took only two rings for you to answer.

"Hello?"

By god your voice sounded so cute. He wanted to squich your cheeks so bad. Unfortunatelly he couldn't remember a single person he talked to who would even come close to sounding like you. Granted, the phone makes everyone's voice sound a bit robotic but still. Should he start recording every conversation he has from now on?

"Well hello there," he greeted back with a smile. "So, what is it you need help with?"

You hummed. He distantly heard ruffling of couple of papers. Eventually you answered. "Gluconeogenesis."

"Okay, a bit more specificly?" he already started looking for a page about it but couldn't seem to find it. Did they even cover it?

"Well, the whole thing basically. I know it's glycolysis but backwards but in the presentation the professor showed us were couple of reactions that looked confusing and I don't know what else to do."

Even though he found your whine at the end of your sentence cute he was frantically turning page after page looking for any headtitle starting on G but nothing.

Someone opened his door.

"Who're you talking to?" both his best friend and Shoko peaked through the opened door.

Geto waved at them to leave. "Uhm give me a moment okay?" he said to the phone and then pushed it to his shoulder. "Shoko do you have a biochemistry notebook here?"

"Is that your girl?" she asked insted, excitement in her eyes. "Put her on loudspeaker!"

"Do you have it or not?!"

"If I say I do will you let me hear her?"

Geto contemplated. He wanted to keep you just to himself for a while longer. But without Shoko's help...

Gojo came in with his own half torn notebook dangling it infront of Geto. "It's all yours if you let us hear her."

Geto frowned into his best friends smirked face which matched Shoko's. He rolled his eyes and finally spoke to the phone again. "Listen Y/N, my friends want to hear you, can I put you on a loudspeaker?"

"Uhm, sure?"

As soon as he did Gojo started asking bunch of questions. "Heey how are you? Are you the Y/N Sugu won't shut up about? How do you look like? Why didn't you send my boy a selfie? He likes black so go on and buy some nice black lingerie for him yeah?"

By the time he finished his little rant Geto covered his phones's microphone and nearly kicked him in the gut. Hopefully you didn't hear most of his questions.

Shoko punched him as well chastising him for scaring you off. "Don't mind him Y/N, you'll get used to him. Now say something already!"

After a second of silence you peeped out a shy: "Hi."

"Oh my god Suguru she sounds so cute," Gojo gushed.

"Don't let her near him," Shoko pointed at Gojo. "It was nice to hear you Y/N, can't wait for Suguru to introduce you to us properly. Enjoy your study date!" she said as she dragged Gojo away before he could blabber out some more inapropriate things.

Suguru turned the loudspeaker off and it was just you two again.

"What the hell was that," you asked with panic in your voice.

"My friends trying to ruin my life. They mean well though, don't worry. It's just rare for them to see me interacting with a girl."

"But whenever I see you on the halls you're surrounded by couple of girls though."

Geto smirked. "Is that jealousy I hear?"

"Maybe."

Before he could press any further you asked about biochemistry and he quickly found the page he needed. Thankfully back then Gojo was at least trying to take notes in classes so the entire gluconeogenesis was neatly explained. After about twenty minutes you exclaimed you finally understood and thanked him.

"My pleasure Y/N. Was this why you weren't talking to me that much?" he leaned back on his chair.

"This and another thing, but it's okay now."

"Aaaw, what other thing? You know you can always talk to me right?"

"I know, but not this time. Sorry."

"It's fine," he said sadly. In the back of his mind he imagined bunch of different scenarios that could trouble you. Failed test, mean classmates, or worse a crush on a classmate.

"Hey, you have a nice voice," your words pulled him from his thoughts.

He chuckled. "Look who's talking. Even though are you sure it was me you talked to? I swear I never heard such a melodic voice from anyone in school."

"Well, you were kinda in a hurry. And was focusing elsewhere too..."

"Huh? What do you mean?" he genuenly didn't understand. Focusing elsewhere?

"Nevermind. By the way how do you like it so far? It's been almost half a semester now."

"It's going pretty good. Much more interesting than med school. Even though," he rocked on his chair back and forth, "it would've been nicer if we could've met face to face."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"I don't think that's a good idea though."

He quickly stopped rocking and sat up straight. "What? Y/N..." he couldn't even find words. Why wouldn't you want to meet up with him? "Y/N, have I been rude to you? Have I scared you off while we talked in real life?"

"No."

He sighed in relief.

"You barely even looked at me."

His heart tightened again.

"It's just that," you paused for a second trying to put together a whole sentence, "I've seen the girls you hang around Suguru and all of them are really beautiful. Standing besides them I look nothing special. You would be disappointed if we met and you knew it was me. Isn't it better this way? I bet you imagine me as this model or something," you chuckled but he could hear the sadness in your voice.

"Y/N, first of all my imagination is pretty bad so I only imagine you as a girl with your name written across your face," you chuckled at that which made his heart swell, "and second of all those girls hang around me, not the other way around. Most of the time we travel in groups and look for places together which is way more efficient than getting lost alone. Besides, none of them can even hold a candle to you intellectually. Once in a virology lab this one girl gathered a sample of bacteria on that wire thingy and put the whole thing into the burner. She was very surprised why she had nothing grown on her petri dish a week later"

"Oh my god," you laughed out loud. "How will she pass?"

"Maybe she won't. I heard some other upperclassmen say the first year is usually treated as a sorting out year."

"It's possible. But her effectively killing all her bacteria sample is something else."

"It is," he chuckled at the memory. "Now that I think about it do you remember that unpleasant girl i told you some weeks back?"

"Yeah," you said emotionlessly but he paid it no mind.

"The girl she gave advice to was the same girl who burned off all her bacteria. Maybe she was right about advicing her like that. Maybe she could smell the stupid on her."

"Maybe."

There it was again. The one word answers.

"What is it now?" he asked concerned.

"Nothing, I just," you paused. He could sense a hesitation from your side. Eventually you spoke up again. "I just think I know that girl."

"Oh? Is she your friend?"

"More or less."

"Then I'm sorry if I offended her."

"Nah, it's fine. Do you still think of her as a bitch?"

"No."

"Then all's fine," he could hear you smile and he smiled as well.

"Well Suguru, as much as I like hearing your voice I have to go to sleep now. Thank you for explaining it to me again. I don't know what I would've done without you."

His heart sped up at the praise. "It was fine Y/N, that's what friends are for right? Oh and one more thing!"

"Yeah?"

He hesitated but finally he gathered enough courage. "Satoru told me about an upcoming party for scientists. Are you coming?" he asked hopefully.

"Maybe. It should be after a midterm from embryology. Let me check."

He patiently waited while you checked your calendar. Even if you wouldn't be going he would still find a way to meet you. Now that he knows what you sound like he could just walk around and listen to people talking.

"No, unfortunately it's the night before the midterm. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he tried masking his disappointment. Even though he admired how dedicated you were to your studies he really wished you could make an exception.

"Hey, maybe next time, okay?"

"Yeah, maybe fate will arrange my life again," he joked and you chuckled.

"Yeah. You never know. Good night Suguru. Sweet dreams."

*

Your midterm was around the corner. As was the party Suguru mentioned. You still see him in halls here and there, often surrounded by a group of people. There didn't seem to be a time where he was alone. Unsurprisingly so, since he looked like... well, like him. To sooth your jealousy there didn't seem to be any prominent lady hanging around him all the time. The faces in his close circle were always changing. Even the famous dummy from virology seemed to disappear. Maybe his words about merely traveling together were true.

Today however you payed no attention to him or his newfound friends. The only thing on your mind was your midterm. Other groups have already taken it and you heard them say how life draining it was. Their words were confirmed after you passed by a group of your friends who just finished it. Well, friends was a strong word. As freshmen you often relied on eachother but now that you know your way around and you were sorted jnto different groups you talked less and less.

"Hey," you greeted them. "How was it?"

"Run for your life girl," the one who had most prominent eyebags replied.

Some other people who you didn't know nodded, their faces equally as tired. Eveb the biggest know it all you've met in this darn buidling was mumbling something about retaking it.

From there your legs took you straight to library. It didn't look like those in movies you watched growing up. No fancy decoration or tables with green lamps. Just basic library with books stacked up to the ceiling, basic wooden uncomfortable looking chairs and tables with chipped edges. A pleasure to study there.

With a list of helpful books in your phone you walked around not looking for a particular one. Just procrastinating. If you managed to find one off your list you just flipped around and put it back in. All terms in there were already familiar to you. You doubted you could learn anything new by now.

Few rows bahind you something fell to the ground, the loud noise making you jump. A pretty loud 'fuck' along with a very familiar scolding from librarian soon followed. Amused you peeked into the corridor to check the poor guy's first experience with the dreaded librarian. It must be a freshman. Everyone else already knows to not even breath when in closed proximity of that witch.

It really was a freshman. But your freshman. Suguru stumbled from the alley into the corridor and quickly hid in the same row you were in, running by you, barely sparing you a glance.

The librarian calmed down and returned to her usual spot, a spawnpoint as you liked to call it. Once she did Suguru sighed and leaned back, a small smile tugging on his lips.

You admired him for a bit. It's been a long time since you've seen him, let alone been this close to him. Once he calmed down his head fell back to its usual level and he finally noticed you. His smile faded and your heart cracked. "Hi," he politely greeted. You only nodded back aknowledging him and opened the book you held on a random page. The whole book could be upside down and you would never even know, the only thing you were focusing on was his figure. Which was moving slowly towards you.

"Uhm, excuse me," his melodic voice made you look up at him. Your cheeks got heated as you waited for his next words. "Could you move?" he asked and pointed at the shelf you were leaning on.

"Oh, sorry," you whispered back and quickly moved. Your legs itched to walk away completely to not embarass yourself even further but something stopped you. A sudden urge rose inside you. 'Talk to him. Tell him.'

He flipped through his book, completely unbothered by his surroundings. Thank god for that. It gave you some time to psych yourself up. Twice you opened your mouth and closed it again. He took out his phone to snap couple of pictures of the pages in his hands. An idea.

You pulled your own phone out and messaged him.

Hey, you there?

After hitting send it only took couple of seconds for his phone to vibrate. He glanced at it again with annoyance but after a while a smile creeped up his face as his fingers danced across the screen.

Well hello, how was the study session?

Good. Listen, where are you right now?

Butterflies flew around your insides as you watched him type.

In library. Why? Wanna meet? ;)

This is it. It's now or never.

Look left.

With hope filled eyes you watched him and waited. The message finally got delivered. He read it. Then he turned his head. Your eyes finally met.

"Hi," you said carefully.

"Hi," he repeated, a dumbstruck expression on his face.

You expected a lot. Everything actually. But not what he did. It was just a small movement, some would write it off as just a spasm of muscles. In split second his eyes drifted from your face to someplace behind you and back down to you. As if checking if you're really the only one there.

Your throat tightened as tears slowly clouded your vision. "You're disappointed, right?"

That brought him back to reality as he shook his head. "No, no, of course not. Just surprised, that's all!"

How you wished you believed him. A tear has already escaped your eye and you cursed yourself. Not wanting to embarass yourself even further you turned around ready to leave.

"Hey, wait up," he stopped you by putting his large hand on your shoulder.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTHS," came an angry voice of the librarian. Both of your hearts stopped beating for a moment.

"Outside?" he mouthed to you.

You nodded and both of you practically sublimated out of there. Standing outside he finally took a good look at you. His eyes resting only on you, despite people walking around. Feeling selfconscious you tugged on your coat. It was supposed to snow today so you took the fluffiest you had, making you look three times your size.

"Ehm, so," you broke the silence, "it was nice meeting you and all but, I have midterm to study for sooo..."

"Oh, but we only just met," he pouted. It was cute, seeing a hunk of a man like him pouting like a kid who lost his favourite toy.

"Sorry," you apologized genuenly meaning it. Even though you'd love to stay time was pressing down on you.

Suddenly his eyes lit up. "Do you remember the party I mentioned to you?"

"The one in two days? Yeah, I remember. Why?"

He grinned. "My roommate is going there so my place will be free. And I need to study as well so we can study together. What do you say?"

His suggestion was tempting. But then again, being with him, all alone, possibly even staying the night? But you always studied much more efficient when you had someone beside you.

After few moments of pondering you nodded making his eyes even brighter.

"Great! I'll text you the address," he held up his phone and winked. "See you later kitten."

*

"This was probably a bad idea," you tell yourself as you check the address one last time. You were already standing under the building. A pretty fancy one. Didn't look like dorms at all. Maybe it wasn't. He did mention his roommate is unholy rich though so maybe this is one of the perks of being his friend?

First snowflakes dropped on your phone screen. You looked up. The clouds didn't even look dark enough to start snowing. The weather forecast didn't mentikn it either. You pulled your coat tighter around you a regretted not putting on another layer just in case like you use to.

The front entrance opened revealing Suguru in black sweatpants and black knitted sweater. "There you are! Come in before you freeze," he stepped aside and held the door open for you.

His place was on the eighth floor. The ride in the elevator wasn't long but for you, being so close to Suguru, it seemed like hours. Finally the elevator dinged and the doors opened. A white haired man wearing a pretty expensive looking shirt stood infront of it. You looked up and him and gulped. What kind of a man wears shades in the building?

"Sugu, is that her?" the man asked pointing a finger at you not even looking in your direction.

Suguru pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes, this is her. Y/N, this is-"

"Satoru," he took your cold hand in his and leaned down, "pleasure to meet you."

Before he could kiss the back of your hand you pulled it from under his nose and held defensively against your chest. Suguru's shades slid down his nose slightly, revealing surprised blue eyes.

Giggling came from behind him. "I like her," said a brunnette in dark blue dress. "I'm Ieri."

"I'm Y/N," you smiled.

Suguru cleared his throat. "Okay now that we all know who the other one is," he placed his hand on your lower back making your blood quickly travel to your cheeks, "we better go study. Enjoy the party you two," he gently pushed you inside the open apartment door.

"Fine, fine," Satoru rolled his eyes. "If you need condoms I put some of mine in your bedside table."

"We are really going to study though," you said but he only chuckled.

"Yeah I know. Embryology," he winked under his shades and pulled Ieri along with him leaving you and blushing Suguru behind. Alone.

"Ignore him," he said and offered you Ieri's soft slippers. "Tea?"

"Yes please," you took of your coat and hanged it. Their place didn't look like it belonged to a pair of students at all. Everything looked expensive. The ridiculously giant aquarium in the living room wasn't helping at all. Upon further inspection you only saw two fish in there, one black the other white.

Suguru came back from the kitchen. "Those were Satoru's idea," he tapped the aquarium glass.

"It's cute. To represent you and him?"

"Yeah," he put his hands in his pockets and stood beside you. In the glass' reflection yout two almost looked like you were on a date in aquarium. You smiled at the thought. "He also wanted Ieri to have one as well but she refused. I have a feeling she's shipping us."

You chuckled. "Then my presence must be ruining her ship."

"Hmm, are you suggesting something?" he smirked and leaned in closer to you.

"Ehm," you averted your eyes and pulled your backpack off of your shoulders, "we got work to do."

"Right," he straightened back up, his expression unreadable. "Do you want to stay here or go to my bedroom?"

"We can go to yours," you say without actually thinking how it might make you look. Thankfully Suguru found no deeper meaning behind it and lead you to a decently big room. You could tell he was preparing for your visit. No man is this tidy. Even though it's Suguru.

"Make yourself at home, I'll go finish the tea."

"Thanks."

You walked around a bit. There were some pictures of his youth. Some were with people you didn't recognise, some with young Satoru. On all of them he looked extremely cute. Puberty must've hit him like a truck. You also took notice of the dumbells and other training equipment hidden in the corner. You always assumed people like him just went to a gym, or better yet had their own personal gym. Guess he's more of an introvert than you gave him credit for.

Without any further inspections you sat down on his bed, so soft and welcoming. You resisted the urge to lay back and drift off to sleep. It would be perfect. Big soft warm bed, picking up snowstorm outside, a handsome man laying by your side. You shook your head. You're just friends. You're just a friend.

"Tea is here," he walked in with two mugs in his hand handing one to you.

You just held it, wamring up your cold fingers. "Thanks."

With a small smile he nodded and sat right across you on his gamer chair. Did he play videogames as well?

"So, how does the whole studying in pair go?"

You sipped on your tea. Actually you had no idea. The only collective studying yoj ever did was with him through a phone that one time. It was more him explaining things to you rather than mutual teaching. In the end you shrugged. "We'll have to figure it out as we go."

"Guess we will," he leaned back.

He gazed at you so long it made you selfconscious. "What?" you giggled nervously.

He shook his head. "Nothing, just," he moved to lean forward on his legs, "never thought I'd have you here."

"Weren't you the one to beg for a meeting?" recalled all the times he asked on which floor of the school you were or asking for your schedual to surprise you after class.

"I didn't mean that," he said and pointed at his bed. "I meant here."

You looked down and blushed. "Oh."

He chuckled at your flustered expression. "Don't worry, I'm not like Satoru."

"Like Satoru?"

"Horny."

You choked.

"C-can we start studying now?"

He nodded.

*

The clock on his bedroom wall slowly ticked away. You revised everything yoh needed and now was just helping Suguru. In the past hour he restlessly moved from sitting on his chair, to sitting on the parapet to now sitting on the ground right between your legs while you were playing with his long silky hair.

"Come on Suguru! I know you know this!" you tapped his scalp.

"Even if you threatened to shoot me I wouldn't know," he groaned and flipped through his notes again. "Maybe it won't even be on the damn midterm."

"The last time I said this I had to retake it. Besides if you don't pass on the first time then you'll have to retake after Christmas along with your finals. Do you want that?"

He leaned into your hands and closed his eyes. "That won't happen," he tilted his head back and looked at you, "because I have you now."

You chuckled and somehow didn't get flustered. Maybe you were desentisized after spending multiple hours on end with him? "Like I will sit there with you while you take it."

"Why not? I could squeeze you up," he got up from his spot and hugged you real tight against him, "and put you in my pocket like a talisman."

You giggled at him hugging and squeezing you. Without even realizing it he fell down with you in his arms on his massive bed, laughing along with you. When you opened your eyes you were met with his bare neck and long hair framing it. You looked up and realized how close the tow of you are. And how dark it has gotten outside.

He noticed how awkwardly you held your hands infront of you and losened his grip. "I'm sorry. Do you want to go?"

You shook your head and shushed the butterflies in your stomach. "Nope, I just-" you looked away from him, "maybe you're used to it but I've never been this close to a man before..."

He smiled and brushed your hair out of your face to get a better look at you. "I'm not used to it. I told you it's not often I'm close with a member of the opposite sex, and that's why Satoru and Ieri acted so weird. Besides," his hand fell from the top of your head to your neck and rested there, "you're the first girl to lay in this bed."

Your eyes went wide. "Really?"

"Yeah, really."

You had no words. How do normal people even react to something like that? You just hummed and let your eyes roam around his face. He looked really cute right now. Like a cat. Even before he always reminded you of a cat. One of your hands rose up from your chest and with the lenght of your forefinger petted him under his jaw, like you would a cat.

"Meow," he said and you chuckled. But your finger didn't stop petting. Hiw own thumbed rubbed the back of your neck, his palm heavy on the side of it.

"I like bwing around you," you confessed."

"Me too. You're so calming."

You hummed and closed your eyes. "Would you mind if I stayed the night?"

"Not at all. I"ll even drive you to school tomorrow so you won't have to freeze in a bus."

Your eyes shot open. "You have a car?"

He shook his head. "Satoru does. He owes me for so much already. And he forgot his keys here too."

You swatted his shoulder lightly. "You're the worst!"

"Only for you."

There it was again. That damn smirk you imagined every time he sent it in an emoji form. Now it was right infront of your face. You readjusted your head. Now it was on the same level as his face as opposed to before when it was underneath it.

"Why did you message me that first time?"

He thought for a while. "Out of boredom mostly. But I'm glad I did," his hand moved from your neck up to your cheek.

"And why did you keep messaging me?"

"Why did you?"

You weren't sure yourself. "I don't know. You were nice I guess."

"And?" he moved closer to you, the tip of his nose brushing your own.

"I don't know!" You whined and moved your head to brush his nose. "What do you want to hear from me?"

"A confession or something," he mumbled. "I really want to hear you say you like me."

Your movement stopped. He wanted what? "Why?"

"Because," he brushed his thumb on your cheek, "I like you and I want to hear you say it back."

"You like me?" you asked not believing him.

"I do."

"Why?" some self-hating tears burned your eyes. There's no way you were this lucky. There's no way he's serious. Someone like him won't just start liking someone like you.

"Because I felt like it. Will you let me?" he asked and quickly glanced down at your lips. His question was about more than him liking you.

You closed your eyes and let the fate play out this scenario however it wanted. It was its fault he came into your life in the first place.

Suguru smiled and pulled your head towards him. His lips were soft. At first it was just a snall peck, filling your chest with warmth much sweeter than the tea he made you. When he pulled back you kissed him again. He locked your lips together, enjoying the way you moved against him. His other hand pulled your waist towards him and you sighed into his mouth. No one has ever touched you like this before. You could get used to this.

When sweet kisses weren't enough for him anymore he rolled you on your back while stradling you and deepened the kiss. You were surprised, sure, but certainly not dissapointed. You pulled on his lose hair, making him moan into you. This amount of power over a man wasn't so bad. Your hands snaked around his neck while his lowered to your thighs propping them up to lock around his waist. Something hard poked into your center.

Your eyes shot open and you gently pushed on his shoulders to give you some time to breathe.

"Do you want to stop?" he asked. From this short of a distance you could finally see his pupils agajnst his dark eyes. They were blown wide with desire.

You gulped and shook your head. "I'm scared."

He smiled gently and stroked your cheek. "Shh, it's okay. I'll be gentle."

His other hand played with the hem of your shirt, silently asked for permission. Which you gave.

He pulled your shirt of exposing your bare chest to him. You don't even know what you thought that morning not putting on a bra. But right now you were kinda glad you didn't. Less time wasting.

He immediatelly started kissing a path from your neck down to your chest. Sucking a hickey on your sternutm while both of his hands squeezed and massaged your breasts, thumbs flicking across your nipples. You whined at the foreign feeling. The hardness between your legs got even more prominent. Your legs locked around his torso and lifted your upper half to be close to him again. While your ass was off the bed he tried to pull down your warm trousers. Eventually they joined your shirt on the floor.

"Not fair," you whined and pulled on his sweater.

"Lemme fix it," he mumbled into your skin and sat up to pull his clothes away.

Of course he had a six pack. Of course he did. He leaned down and continued kissing your chest. You saw his back muscles. You swore he had muscle groups you thought were a myth.

Once his mouth got to your panties you came to a horrifying realization: you didn't shave.

"Sugu, stop," you tapped on his back making him look up at you.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry, I-I didn't," you looked away in embarassment.

"You didn't what, sweet?" he caressed the inside of your thigh and you shivered.

"It's a mess down there," you finally admitted hiding your face in your hands.

He tsked and pulled your hands from your face giving you a soft kiss. "No good man is affraid of a little forrest," he winked at you and dove right back where he stopped.

"Oh my- Sugu~"

He made out with your lower lips just as passionately as he did with your upper ones. Not used to the new sensation your legs tried to close but he held them wide open, even folded them up against your chest giving him better access. You moaned and whined, everytime you did he tried something new. New speed, new preassure. He spelled his own name on your clit with his tongue before sucking it, making sure to make you feel as good as possible.

Suddenly something poked your entrance. You shot your eyes opened panicked but quickly shut them closed when his long finger stroke your insides. No one has ever touched you in there. Not even yourself. Once he made a 'come closer' motion you were done for.

With a final kiss he pulled out his glitening forefinger. "Well, that was fast," he commented.

"Shut up," you hid your face once again.

He chuckled and moved up again, your legs found their home around his waist. He kissed your hands hiding your face. "It's cute kitten, don't hide away from me," he tapped your wrist. You pulled your hand away revealing your flushed face. "There you are," he smiled and kissed you. He licked inside your mouth and you tasted something more than just his saliva.

While he made out he pulled down his sweatpants and the hardness you felt before sprang free now. Too embarassed you didn't even attempt to glance down. Feeling how big he was down there was way more than seeing it.

"No way that will fit inside," you sighed into his mouth.

"We'll make it," he kissed you before straigthening up and leaning to the side of the bed.

"What are you-?"

"You wouldn't want to study embryology in practice now, would you?" he winked and opened his bedside table.

Embarassed you looked away from him and studied the arm that was still resting beside your head. His bicep must be bigger than your face. And the veins on his fore arms! A wet dream of every nurse for sure.

You mentally slap yourself. Why must you always think like a scientist?!

While you were scolding yourself he quickly slipped on a condom and his tip was now poking at your entrance.

"This will probably hurt," he whispered into your ear.

You found his hand and held it tightly, his fingers interlocking yours. "I trust you."

Slowly, inch by inch he moved inside. If his finger was way too long you weren't even ready for his nether region. He stretched you out in all directions, but mostly forward as he disappeared inside you more and more. You whined here and there but he kissed your cheek and told you how well you're doing and how it will feel good afterwards. His thumb kept rubbing the back of your hand as he moved his hips thrusting up into you.

Then, you didn't even know how but he was all inside. Once he was he groaned. "Fuck," he breathed out and his head fell into the crook of your neck and kissed you there. "You're so soft."

He breathed against your neck and you felt shivers run down your spine. He pulsed inside you and by the way he was breathing you knew he was trying to control himself to not hurt you. Oh how you loved this man.

Your other hand, the one not holding onto his, got lost in his hair. "Y-you can move."

You felt him grin against your skin. He pulled out, making you feel awfully empty, but quickly filling you up again making you gasp. "Oh~"

His arm moved from beside your head to hold your ass in place as he thrusted inside. Slow and steady. His tip always caressed that one spot his finger previously discovered. Every time you moaned he kissed yet another hickie into your neck and you feared you won't be able to last long.

A new feeling grew inside you. Much more powerful than the one before. "S-Sugu~" you breathed out, not being able to finish your sentence.

"Yes kitten?" He lifted his head. God he looked amazing. With his black hair framing his face and little beads of sweat forming on his forhead, like a crown of dewdrops.

"I-I-" he hit that spot again and you moaned seeing stars.

"Oh, you like it here," he angled his hips and poked that spongy spot again.

"N-n-n-" in this new position his pelvis rubbed just perfectly against your clit and it was damn near impossible for yout to even think.

"You're close?"

You nodded.

"Right behind you," he moaned and kept hitting that one wonderful spot unditl both of you fell apart. You first, him following closely after, filling the condom to the point of it leaking around his base. His head fell back into the crook of your neck, leaving soft kisses and catching his breath. Your own chest went up and down, touching his toned one with every breath. He stayed inside, staying nice and warm. You came to love being stretched like this. Unfortunately, both of your bodies would soon grow cold and would have to separate. He pulled out making you hiss.

"Sorry," he chuckled.

"Nah," you caressed the side of his face, "I loved it."

He smiled and kissed your palm. "Sleepy?"

You nodded and as if on cue yawned. Damn he was only with you once and he already knew your body better than you.

He got rid of his condom and threw covers over both of you, pulling your bodies together in the process. This was great. Exactly as you imagined. You and him together after a good and thorough study session, nice and warm while winter went crazy outside.

How could one stay awake?

*

Suguru stroked your naked back. Up and down, then back to your head again, scratching you like a cat. He woke up in the middle of the night and had been caressing you ever since. Usually he would curse this sudden wave of insomnia but now he was greatful. Who knows when will the two of you be like this? With how seriously you take school and his own hectic schedual mixed in? Better to enjoy this while he can.

Sun began to rise when he heard noises outside his bedroom. Satoru must be back.

Sure enough the white haired man stumbled through the threshold, his shades aslant and shakimg from the outside cold.

He made his way into kitchen but stopped once he got a peek into his bestfriend's bedroom. Thankfully you were laying chest to chest on him and most of you was covered by his blanket anyways but still Suguru tried to cover you from unwanted eyes.

Satoru grinned. "Just study?"

Suguru threw a pillow at him.

[cityan1mal]

Vent below cus Tumblr is my diary

I feel so fucking lonely and betrayed. I dunno why I expected better from someone who insists they're always the ones who's attention is on and not me. Who keeps hurting me and I keep coming back to. You aren't any better. You're just like all the others. If it wasn't all I had I would have fucking cut you out of the picture too. You're not even aware you're anything other then what you used to be. I've done nothing wrong and I'm left like a stick in the mud for a new shiny toy. Is a little bit of recognition too much? Do you even like me anymore or are you just keeping me around because you haven't got the new one in your physical hands yet. I'm not asking to be your all I'm asking to be treated like I'm on the same par as you. I may older and not as with it. I may be "ugly" to you now and more secure and not as shiny and cool. But Jesus Christ I am a being just worth of being respected and loved as everyone else. And you fail to fucking realize you're just using me and dumping me.

[rkisdead]

THINGS WE KNOW ABOUT GAVIN IN MY AU SO FAR // or, things I'm willing to share that do not spoil the plot of Devil Town (because I just started writing Devil Town. yikes)

for general info on the au, look up #devil town on my blog

1. He's trans.

2. He has ADHD.

3. He has undiagnosed PTSD.

4. He has a cat, whom him and Nines rescued from the streets back when they used to date.

5. Him and Tina have been friends sinxe they were 6.

6. He used to have quite a popular blog on Tumblr (don't tell me he wouldn't. Man's a fucking gen Z.) and, in my mind, he'd still post updates sometimes because he treats it like a diary.

7. He plays guitar really well and he used to be in a band back in high school.

8. Him and Elijah Kamski are half-brothers.

9. His mom was an alcoholic but he lived with her until 13. His father took custody of him at that age.

10. Him and Elijah were practically best friends since their childhood. His father cheated on his mother (hence Elijah), yeah, but she forgave him and they got back together. He kept supporting Elijah's mom, though, and, when things started going south with Gavin's mom, he divorced her and reconciled with Elijah's.

11. He used to be friends with Connor despite hating Nines.

12. He was one of the last people who saw Connor (firther info about what happened to him will be shared in the fic itself.)

13. He has a mild allergy to dust. That's why his house is always really clean.

14. He lives in his mother's house since she passed away a while back due to liver failure. He does have some traumatic memories about it, but they dim a bit as time goes on.

15. Him and Nines used to live in the house Nines' parents bought him when he was 16 but, when they split, Gavin moved out. He could not stand to live in a place that reminded him of someone who betrayed him as much as Nines did.

that's it for now! i might update this in the future because more info will be presented with the updates and i do not wish to spoil anyone<3

[tokyogruel]

@deicidefull tumblr wont let me answer your ask properly, im depressed. so i will have to do it in a fucked up way

"

i was going to sleep but how many chances does one get to throw 875 songs&artists at unsuspecting mutuals?

"before you do anything you need to listen to this is love by air traffic controller and think of sakurai haruka. relatively easy. done? try listening to kodomo no shikumi by pinocchiop. okay, slowly, try thinking of momose amane. it doesn't have to make sense, this is for fun. keep your train of thought and start listening to milk crown on sonnetica now. take a break. listen to some nanawoakari and don't think of anyone in particular. this one's a bit difficult...listen to carnivorous plant. get up and walk around a bit. sit back down and listen to it again, but think of kusunoki muu this time. that was tiring, take another break. listen to some frederic. again, you don't need to think of anyone in particular. try thinking of sakurai haruka again. then, listen to kotoba no obake ga mado kara miteiru by frog69. watch the mv, too. this is important. if you still need more rest, listen to some flowerface. alternatively, if you can handle it, listen to i'd like to die at about 40 years old by aoya and think about kashiki yuno. you can keep listening to aoya even if you don't think about her. you can even listen to jan and think about sakurai haruka. it's your life. okay now you're finally ready... listen to killer spider by pinocchiop. think of kusunoki muu. do it again. do it again. do it again. do it again. do it again. do it aga (im so normal about spider muu im so normal) you're done!! for a treat, listen to some yorushika or yoasobi, whichever you have at home! remember you're the one who asked for song recs...okay...sorry...goodnight snork mimizzzz"

youre starting off soooo fucking gooooddddd GODDDDDD,, i love air traffic controller. and im gonna be honest it's hard not to think of hamnet from the underland chronicles,,, but hamnet is a haruka-type anyway so i got over it LMAO. YOUR MIND IS SO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS ONE DO YOU MIND IF I THROW IT ON MY HARUKA PLAYLIST?

this is a very good amane song i like where youre going with this. lets check out the next song! .... "The innocent emotions, so much that I clean and dispose of them. For what grounds does "pure" and "impure" become the labels I brandish?" ... you would willingly hurt me like this

i ended up listening to this one. i think its cute & im definitely interested in hearing more!

im assuming you mean this one, in which case,, WOW,,, THIS IS A REALLY FUCKING GOOD SONG,, the "i hate you" being "i wish all you had was mine"???? SCREAMS INTO A PILLOW. ok. im normal

i ended up listening to oddloop and IM OBSESSED. THEIR SOUND IS SO FUN? i saved a few of their songs to my spotify likes to listen to later and im so excited. the lead singer has such a fun voice. AHHHH (also i know you said not to think of anyone, but oddloop is a shidou song to me now)

THIS SONG IS REALLY GOOD. and the mv is so simple, so effective. very haruka. at this point i am going to run off and take a shower (also, i have watched the mvs for all of these :3 very good stuff)

ok i am back i am fresh, im sparkling. kurari kurari. i ended up picking baby teeth to listen to, and im a fan, though very sad now. i might have to gather some similar songs i have in my spotify to send back to you sometime. hm. had a hard time finding the aoya song so heres a link to it for others. very sad, very yuno i agree. i also couldnt figure out where to find songs by jan, so i ended up listening to the diary of jane instead which is absolutely not what you told me to do (if you could send me some jan songs though, id love that)

VERY GOOD SONG. i can totally see it for muu. unfortunately, my brain immediately pushed it onto shidou (i dont think thats sinful,, theyre technically partner prisoners,, 0405,,) but to make up for this grievance ill share the lines that make me go "OH YEAH, MUU" .. "Because you're really no good, Because you can't do anything without me, I'll bite you softly, poison you a tiny bit, And teach you a lesson" "And put a leash on you. Is this him? Or is that him?" "While kissing the corpse, your instinct searches for the next prey."

ive heard yoasobi before, so ill give yorushika a try! ... only to realize that ive listened to this song once before! and then to go hm,, that artstyle ive seen once more in the past,, and i know this one too!

goodnight (or now i suppose, welcome to a new day ahahaha) thank you for sharing your music with me!

[noortjelanterfanter]

Stressy depressy empty update yay.

Has anyone listened to the 'last resort' cover falling in reverse made. It is so good and so sad and exactly how I feel right now. I miss a support system. Well.. the toxic thing is that at 16 I made my then boyfriend my safe space and support system. And because of that if I don't have a partner I will not have a support system. I haven't heard from my highschool crush in over a week. Mr silly walks is stressed dealing with an ex and doesn't text me at all. Mr bird is sweet, but will never function as a support system because although he is sweet he is not emotionally mature enough to offer me anybsort of support. Well, he probably would be able to, but I feel slightly judged and therefore unsafe with my emotions with him, which is fine since it's a situationship at best. I Just miss feeling safe and getting a good hug when I'm this distressed. I hate life right now.

I'm usually pretty good at hiding it at work. One of my students noticed though, well, probably more did, but he tried to cheer me up by joking around with me telling silly stories. When he saw me staring into space roughly 15 minutes later he asked me if it was that bad. I asked him if it was really that obvious. It was. To be fair, it fucking was. I'm a wreck. I'll miss the students once I don't have a job anymore.

I'm so fed up and depressed. Like, extremely so. So much so that I feel like I need to ask someone for help but I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm definitely treating tumblr like an online diary.. which I probably shouldn't do... but I have to vent somewhere and tumblr is a niche and dead platform to a lot of people.

[frzngrapes]

30/07

My dear Keycie,

I spent the night unfollowing eating disorder and self harm related blogs on here, I logged out of my edtwt account and I deleted my thinspo Pinterest boards. I deleted MyFitnessPal, my weight tracker app and my fast tracker app. I came across a lot of triggering content at once and it was very long but it was necessary.

I have 500 followers on that twitter account, which isn't a lot but is more than my main Instagram's follower count. So it technically used to be my biggest social media platform. I started it two years ago and I don't think I logged out for more than two or three weeks ever since then, but now I'm gone for good. I'm not deactivating it even though I know I should, I feel there are too many important things there. It was like a diary to me, and I would share literally everything. Sometimes looking up words like "friends" "mom" or "crush" on it is fun, because I can find all kinds of different and contradictory stuff I posted during the past two years. I just feel like I should keep this archive.

Also it's a kind of "box situation" like I wrote about some time ago. I know a few months after writing about this I opened the box again. And it's still somewhere in my room even if I don't feel like using it at all. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to completely let go... But I think not having the account and the tumblr tags and the calorie counting apps on my phone is a good first step. I hadn't done anything as significant for my recovery as this in the past two years. Which, come to think of it, is a bit ridiculous. I've attempted to "recover" in the past, but never deleted the weight loss related apps from my phone before, maybe without admitting it to myself I was kinda lying about being dedicated to getting better. But maybe this time is the one right time where everything works out and I heal for real. The day I wrote about in my first ever blog post under the cherrysletters✿ tag.

I was listening to music when unfollowing the edblr accounts and Teen Idle by Marina came on and I fucking cried. Because it hit me, the fact I was suicidal, making myself puke and phased out all the time at age 16. I should have been, idk, having fun. Why did this all happen to me ? This was all so unnecessary. I remembered the fact I didn't think I would turn 17. I went back to what I wrote on here on my 17th birthday and I cried. It's not often I feel sorry for how I treated myself, but rn I really do. I guess I finally really snapped out of it. Not saying I will never be destructive to myself ever again, or that I am completely cured of whatever problem I used to have... It's just that I somehow only now realise I'm not sixteen anymore. And that me proudly fueling my ed was a long time ago, me actually planning on taking my life was a long time ago and now I'm eighteen and this is pretty much over, so I can sit back and think "Shit, that was a lot".

My mother being abusive towards me is over as well. Two months ago she apologized, admitted it was all very unfair and that I didn't deserve it. This is such a huge change in my life, feeling comfortable at home. Because since I started high school, I think what made me cry the most was my mother's word to me, or remembering them or remembering that she used to hit me. And I cried in front of her for it, a lot, from when I was 15 when I started realising it was messed up, to not long ago. But she never apologized before that day. In conversation I brought up the fact that the first time I opened up about being suicidal, she told me to go ahead and kill myself, and she said she didn't remember saying that. It really sent me spiraling I snapped yelled and cried and told her everything I had on my chest, and later she told me she was sorry for everything.

It brings me a huge sense of relief, for her to admit that she did something wrong, just like when during the 2021 gay pride some guy from my high school I seemingly didn't know came up to me and apologized for bullying me. It's like- a proof it actually happened and actually was wrong and not just me making shit up in my head.

I'm saying all this because now that I don't feel pain at home, don't self harm and try to eat normally, I can almost say I'm finally free ! "Almost" because I don't want to jinx it, and because I know my wellbeing works in waves of ups and downs. But like for now I feel like I can enjoy life without having to worry about a big dramatic thing. And I guess that gives me the space to reflect on what life was like not long ago, and that's why I cry. I don't have to cry about whatever's happening right now so get to cry a bit about how hard high school was, then I can move on and be happy for a bit.

xoxo, cherry 🌸

[comfortunit]

literally just found you today thru those rants and 100%. ive talked about it with friends but we keep it to ourselves bc fandombrained people are so vitriolic & reactionary but you get it. fandoms as they are now are simply a function of capitalism and i wouldnt even say most are fans of the media they say they are but of the roving dudeslash fandom who NEED to see characters forced into their static cookiecutter trope pairing/mirroring themselves and fuckin or theyll die. fandoms in general also tend to be a cesspit of racism & terrible attitudes towards sex work despite their fascination with/fetishization of both race and sex work in general and its like the smaller the fandom is the more of a toxic microcosm of let people haaaaave funnnnn it becomes (idk why i wrote this i was just super surprised to see another mbd fan who was also a sex worker, hiii same hat i am waving to you from across the street)

i went off about this in a mutual's personal server even more than i posted/ranted about here on tumblr because it really pisses me off, especially when you visit low-rating reviews of any mbd book, extra especially fugitive telemetry (like "how Dare this author whose work i love give me a novella after a full-length novel release?!" it's so fucking ungrateful! and it demonstrates such a disgusting lack of basic reading comprehension).

here's one review i saw posted the month i picked up the book and happened to be using goodreads to track my progress at the time, for example:

out of ideas?! it's one of the more tonally different stories in the series. when i finished the book for myself, i came back to this review and i just did not know how someone could ever say something like this. did we even read the same book?! is she "out of ideas" or did she give people another short-form story that was packed with concise and exacting language, tackling a multifaceted web of brand new interactions that make murderbot's personhood that much more dimensional, and they turned their nose up at it because "ugh 🙄 why can't we just have more full-length novels full of stuff that i can pretend is evidence of my fantasy OTP ship being canon"? the idea that a story is "low-effort" to "produce" simply because it's short is such a fucking insult to writers who know anything about writing, especially short-form masters like martha wells. these books are raw concentrated emotion.

to use a food comparison, because i've been getting emotional about the bear recently, it's like comparing a family/holiday feast to an 8-course meal from a star-ranked restaurant. they are both incredibly valuable, in different ways. the novellas are basically 'the perfect bite', they are incredibly well-written, they're rounded stories about rounded characters. intricate, delicate, plated to perfection, and at the end you realize that you've had enough of these small courses (chapters) that it's like. wow, you realize how fulfilled you are; every 'level' engaged is maxed out... and a feast made to feed an entire family like the full-length novel(s) (since the next book is a full-length novel, too) is hearty, it's quantity from a quality-minded author, it's nourishing, it's fulfilling, it's going to get a lot of mileage from every character included. these are different experiences prepared by the same chef. trust that she's going to treat you well. you know?

but you don't let diners into the kitchen to make changes to the food everyone else is going to eat. i might be going a little far with the metaphor but i swear to fucking god if tor.com does the fanservice shit to mbd i'm going to lose my fucking mind.

but again. i have faith in martha wells, i have hope and i know she would never do that to us.

edit: oh my god where are my manners HI FELLOW SEX WORKER WHO LOVES THE MUDERBOT DIARIES! THANK YOU! HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY!

[guangchuans]

it’s been a while since i treated tumblr as a diary so here it goes.

a while back i was giving advice to mom on a thing she was upset about and after i did she said to me “how can life be so easy for you?” and it keeps rubbing me the wrong way. i now she didn’t mean it with malice, more like “how can you see things this simply in life”. even then, i somehow feel vastly misunderstood on this. it’s not that life is easy for me. it’s not for anyone. but i think through the course of this last year and therapy and much self reflection i came to know what is worth losing your mind over and what isn’t. it’s not a question of life being easy, it’s more how i choose to approach life and all that comes with it. i think my suicidal past has given me a broader view on life and things that used to seem like the end of the world no longer bother me. i won the i don’t give a fuck war

edit i forgot the conclusion. basically what i’m trying to say is that life isn’t easy for me, i make conscious decisions each day to make it easier for me, and all those around me

[mt07131]

*cracks knuckIes*

katrina, pIs:

1, 2, 5, 12, 13, 16, 48, 49

Katarinaaaaa my beloved bitchy warlock. One of these days the campaign she's SUPPOSED to be in is gonna start but until then I have my own vivid imagination and tumblr. Answers under the cut bc I'm gonna ramble I know it

Ask me detailed questions about my OCs

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

So her full name is Katarina Petrova. I'm gonna be honest, I chose it completely randomly, like with a random name generator and it stuck. I made her quite a few years ago and it wasn't until recently that I was informed by a friend that there is a character with a very similar name from the vampire diaries (which I've never watched) but it's too late now bc I got attached to it <3. The name "Katarina" specifically means "pure", which is fitting giving her story, and the last name was random

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

As of right now, she doesn't have any titles. That might change once the campaign starts up and I actually get to develop her beyond her backstory, but for now there's nothing

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

OH BOY DOES SHE. Okay so, she had a younger brother named Dimitri. He was born when she was 10 and due to their parents' "job", she basically raised him all on her own. This made them extremely close, and frankly he was the only one in her family that she truly cared about. I can't talk on their relationship as kids vs adults because,,,, well,,,, he kinda died (or she at least assumes he did) the same day she got her pact (and y'know, she was supposed to die to but didn't <3 the horrors are unrelenting but so is she)

12. What is their favourite food?

So I don't have anything specific for this, however I would say it would be some sort of fish dish. She grew up in a fishing village, so that was obviously a prevalent part of what she ate, so I imagine that would be somewhere present

13. What is their least favourite food?

Again, a more general answer since this isn't something I've fleshed out, but I'd say she doesn't love anything sweet. I think sweets were always used by her parents to kind of brush away them being gone for so long, but she's bitter about that so instead of seeing it as a treat/reward, it's just a reminder

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

So the collection is small right now (i.e., she has one), but she is planning to collect the medallions that belong to the members of the cult that her parents were secretly a part of and that subsequently ruined her life. She only has one right now as a lead to finding members of this cult, but she uses it as iconography to track them. She keeps it in a small pouch at her side, and it essentially never leaves her because it's the ONLY lead she has

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend?

She does not enjoy parties, she really doesn't enjoy people. She's more of,,,, they're a means to an end type of person. If she HAD to go to some kind of party, she would probably just turn up and stand in the corner and brood and glare at people. Basically the biggest "do not fucking talk to me" vibes she can muster, she's giving them off

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

So I've already talked about the cult medallion, that sort of always stays with her. In a more sentimental way, however, she has a fishing lure that Dimitri made her when he was younger. She pretty much cut herself off from her previous life after making the pact/his death, so this lure is really all she has left of him

[toxicthotsyndrome68]

Spoilers of Pamela’s doc (sorry for grammar error)

I honestly love how Pamela took control/narrative over her story from the ‘Pam and Tommy’ series. I think Pamela doing that made the ‘Pam and Tommy’ series more of a lifetime biopic then a serious biopic that the creators were going for. I wouldn’t surprised if it was Brandons idea to do the documentary (it would be iconic if it was). I love how candid and honest she was. Some parts of her diary/journals being read out loud gave a different feel, it truly made it feel more like a love letter to herself and as someone else said to her sons. I’m glad I never watched the ‘Pam and Tommy’ show but only saw screen grabs from tumblr. Pamela not shading the actors is something I wouldn’t be able to refrain from had it been me but her sons being upset about made me respect her sons. Their defensiveness over her and how she was treated, especially Brandon, is admirable.

Onto something not related to Pamela, I think it’s very fucking weird and annoying how Brittany (Tommy’s wife) can’t keep Pamela’s name from her mouth. I never particularly liked Brittany, especially during her vine era, but I never hated her either. The way she shades Pamela on TikTok with ‘Pamela if I died’ and it’s the soundbite of Wendy Williams “oh she passed” and some thing about so many people being with Tommy and how one in particular keeps messaging Tommy how they miss him. When she got mad that HelloTefi on TikTok did a Pamela and Tommy series. I do believe that she loves Tommy and maybe by extension Tommy loves her too but why does she keep coming for Pamela. If your as secure as you keep saying you are why are you threatened by a woman who doesn’t think about you. My respect for Tommy was gone when he talked about how his kids with Pamela are spoiled and it was because of Pamela. Then Brandon coming from a place of protectiveness and hurt from a child (something I know about because my dad was just as shitty towards my mom) talks bout how it’s not Pamela that’s the issue it’s him and it’s him who is an embarrassment to the family. Damn! This is also info I should’ve known about or should’ve been made public all because Tommy always had to be a victim and have someone woe-me him.

The insecurity was especially proven for me when Trisha Paytas did that Pamela and Tommy inspired photo shoot. The fat phobia and verbal abuse that came from Tommy and Brittany’s mouth made me so uncomfortable. Mostly because Pamela would never and hasn’t at all criticized Trisha and they ( Brittany and Tommy) feel so insecure and threatened by a slight mention of the past. I don’t like how Tommy berated Trisha and said how you don’t look like her (which Trisha did look like Pamela) and said she was too fat or something along those lines to be her. I think the extreme defensive over Pamela really upset/made her insecure. It’s fucking weird how they watched the video and criticized Trisha because Brittany posted it. Now Brittany trying so hard to make it about her saying how she’s fine even though the ironic part is that Brittany was never mentioned in the documentary at all. I know she was hurt and is hurt that Pamela doesn’t want to meet her nor want to be friends with her.

[selamat-linting]

continuing my last liveblog, this time focused on the characters.

-vriska is. amazing. she is THE CHARACTER EVER. i enjoy her a lot but when it comes to morality, she's... i dont know what to make of her. like, from all the fandom drama i heard secondhand, she was made to be this mass murderer. like yeah, she is responsible to a lot of fuckups in plot, she is ableist to tavros and used aradia's boyfriend sollux to kill her, and sabotaged jade's attempt to get into the game but i think at her core, she's just a 13 year old bully. if she was in a normal human environment, raised by an ordinary family, at worst, she'd be the kind of girls who spread mean rumors of the outcast kids at school. still bad but, garden variety shittiness that can be fixed with age and growth. its the condition she's in that drove her into such terribleness. alternia let kids kill and maim each other, eliminate people who defy the law and customs. its a tyrannical empire and of course the kids produced in that kind of environment are vicious to each other. its not wrong the other kids dont want nothing to do with her and seeing her gets her shit kicked by aradia was cathartic but. man, i still feel very sympathetic to her.

-also, if im not wrong, her romantic relationships now would be :

nicholas cage - one sided matesprit(?)

kanaya maryam - moirail / auspistice (?)

tavros - the most unhealthy kismesis i have ever seen

-also, poor tavros. im waiting for the scene where he gets to kick the shit out of vriska like aradia but alas. its nice that he and vriska seems to get on better terms later on. i have to admit, vriska taking the time to dress up and set the mood to kiss tavros is kind of endearing while also being yikes what the fucking fuck my guy. but anyway, tavros being disabled as only a fodder for stair jokes, and then getting his legs forcibly replaced when the wheelchair jokes gets old, and then making him the butt of the joke again, good god. i want tavros's narrative arc to be treated more seriously. andrew hussie you are an ableist piece of shit you know that right?

-and kanaya! its so interesting how space aspects players are all very aesthetic-minded. they always have the cool pretty stuff. also she had a crush on rose isnt she? the way she admired her gamefaqs playthrough guide reminds of that tumblr fairytale where cinderella reads aurora's diary and fell in love. haha! right after i have that suspicions, i check tumblr to see if theyre a popular ship and apparently theyre also canon? cool. its so nice to be proven right. theyre both unhinged weird girls but in a very subdued way. also, i think karkat have been underestimating how much she helped on cooling down the group's animosities. not just between tavros and vriska, but eridan and feferi too, to an extent.

-speaking of feferi, ugh, i feel so bad for her. i cant believe someone as positive as her could be corrupted by the horrorterrors. one moment, she's the only one preventing a trollnazi and a doomsday lusus from destroying the shit out of everything, and suddenly shes twisting squibbles into cthulhu. "dont you get it, im dead," baller fucking quote but im so sorry girl. she has always been someone who is resigned of the fate of everything, but she never stops trying to make the best of it, unlike aradia.

-Also, why is equius so horny all the time? my god he is so fucking rapey.

-terezi!!! terezi!!! she's my favorite troll. her friendship with dave is so adorable. i like how they start out as enemies mocking each other but end up as (shitty) art buddies. but man, she is just as extreme in her trolling effort like, she did kill john in a timeline. anyway, back to dave and terezi. they both think theyre so cool but theyre actually cringe. also, is the drawing of the guy above the his tyranny writing in her room, meant to be karkat? ugh, i wish im her.

-i dont have much to say over sollux but as a gemini, he has the coolest design. literally the coolest shade ever. twin signs represent!

-karkat is... *grits teeth* self recognition through the other (derogatory). i hate that i shared his classpect. he ruined an objectively awesome title just by being himself. but i never really know what kind of guy he is, just his notoriousness as a grumpy anime boy slash tumblr sexyman. i hate him even more after knowing him btw, because he really is just like me! on the surface, he's just a 13 year old version of jean vicquemare from disco elysium. but seeing his memos, seeing his... everything. oh my god. i hate myself. his constant bitching is my inner voice everytime i have to deal with [redacted] and [redacted]. only that im now old enough to know i shouldnt unleash that to everyone indiscriminately. also, i too did the future writing thing. like, i would actually look at my old diary entries, and wrote a response as if speaking to my past self. but, is it weird that seeing him makes me a bit more confident in my own leadership skills? I dont know. anyway, he's funny. god even him just living his life and breathing is hilarious. i want to see you suffer little man (not in a whump way i want to see him get mad, eat shit, and react to ridiculous shit)

-JADE!!!! i miss her a lot. finally she's in the game. she's one of the nicest and the coolest of the beta kids. and i envy her house a lot. im sick of her being out of the loop. also, just from her science alone, she's pretty OP. she dont need powers to defeat the imps. she's very much my favorite out of the beta kids

-i cannot believe dave resorts to ruining the stock market. he would have liked nfts. cant believe that plotline exists and it was actually an elaborate troll plot. i cant wait to see him blossom to his cool future selves. caw caw motherfucker was impressive as hell despite being ridiculous. i have no idea how his sprite make that cool. also, his bro's dead? its kinda sad. like, i know the training and the smuppet shit wasnt exactly healthy and sane but, its still a tragedy that he never really get the chance to understand his parent or get closure. bro's dead. thats it.

[frostygutar]

Depression is so fun :3

I sure do love when basically nothing happens, but my brain is taking it as "Holy shit your friends aren't your friends and they're talking behind your back and are going to leave you soon lmao!!" But I genuinely cannot convince myself they aren't, especially when they're getting slowly more and more toxic. That could be unintentional, maybe I'm just overthinking, but I've been through so much that I default to worst case scenario.

I wish I wasn't like this, but my brain has decided to always assume the worst in any event, because as much as I hate it, what I fear happening is what usually happens 80% of the time. I hate being right, y'know? I also hate the complete lack of friends I can just vibe with, not having to worry every second, but here I am, worrying about everyone. Then I try to meet more people, and they make me worry too. I can't escape.

And here I am, staring at my Discord friends list, contemplating the first purge of the year. I have 33 friends, and I can say with 100% confidence that if I unfriended 7 of them right now, I would feel nothing. There are 7 people who have broken my trust so badly, that I can't even say why I keep them on my list. And that's just the guaranteed bunch, there's still plenty of others who've treated me badly enough to where I would have to think for a few minutes on if I'd consider them a friend or not. They were my friends at some point, and I want to consider us close, but can I..?

I hate this. I hate thinking this about my god damn friends. I want to just be happy. But if I let my guard down, guess what fucking happens? Everything bad. Just another horrible person I talked to on a horrible day that leads to the entire illusion of a friendship we were keeping up, crumbling with one, two, maybe three messages between us. Because every time we reach that point, I spent months trying to get them to stop whatever it was, and they continued, and I'm fed up. So despite my logic making perfect sense, I still replay it over, and over, and over, and get mad about it, and have days like today where I just can't get the voice out of my head.

And then, for some reason, instead of writing a diary entry about it, I make a Tumblr post. Why did I do this? Why did it take me an hour to convey the words I wanted? Who am I talking to? Who am I posting this for?

Do I even need to post this?

No, I don't. But I already typed it out, so...

[bluescreened-heart]

You know what, while I wait for my hot cocoa to finish heating up I’m gonna just.. ramble. Also I feel like Iceberg would call me slurs if he knew every time I drink hot cocoa I thought of him. 💀.. he probably would. Bright thinks the same though sooo I’d just tell him to yell at bright instead of me. :}

I honestly miss him. And Glass. And just everyone. Brights gone, including all versions of him and it’s heartbreaking honestly. That manic ginger freak.. luckily Gears is here sometimes. Fragmented, but he’s here enough to talk to me. He let me hug him the other day and honestly I enjoyed it. Probably because I’m touch starved and I miss all my friends… 💀.. I feel like if Iceberg knew I even TOUCHED gears he’d have me dead in 12 different ways. Speaking of iceberg, my hot cocoa is done heating up. I make mine fancy. I love adding cinnamon and vanilla to it with whipped cream and marshmallow. God that’s like some white cunts Starbucks order now that I type that out but literally whatever it’s delicious. I think bright mixes like extra sugar in his with like vodka.. he always said the holidays were the time to be constantly fucked up, so… 💀.. I kinda miss his whole “forever 21” attitude. Honestly, no one tell him I said this but I’m jealous as fuck over him. Like, being physically in your prime forever? I wish I had that. I mean I’m physically like 40 and gears is like what.. .. 200. THATS A JOKE I KNOW HES ONLY LIKE 60. 💀.. whatever back pain is great. I loveee back pain and random rashes and randomly realizing chocolate makes me sick as if I’m a fucking dog. 40!! Yahoooo.. soooooooo fun… .. read that in a really sarcastic drawn out tone. Anyways I’m like pacing around waiting for my drink to cool off so I can actually enjoy it without burning our fucking mouth.

I hope I don’t have to be depressed for much longer.. I hate this. I want my man back. I want my friends. God. I wonder what Glass would say if he saw this account. I mean I’m never this open, I’m treating this like a diary. I have no one else I can go to with these thoughts anyways.. our friends have been told that we aren’t a system and that it was a really bad episode!! Yeah. Thanks for making me feel less real. Reallly love that. I mean it’s obvious we’re a system, but oh well. Sure yeah we aren’t it’s just an episode you guys! I wouldn’t be surprised if V makes is function like a singlet again like they did in the past. I wonder if we’ll go as an “irl” again though.. oh speaking of our past when something similar like this happened, I was able to talk to the “cringe” anti about our past. And yeah, it’s like the same steps. He said how I’m feeling and this account I made is exactly like how PJ made our star eyes account yeaaaars ago where he did like the same shit. The only difference is it was on Instagram instead of tumblr. 💀..

Whatever. I’m confident nothing will happen and I’ll be fine and I’ll hang on and stay an alter here. I mean I’m fragmented but not by much!!! I’m sure I’ll make it through this. God our headcount now is so low.. the only people I’ve seen today have been Anti, Reaper, Gears, and Raven. At least I think it was Raven?? Idk there’s too many of them right now and they all look the same.. besides one of them. The Slenderman with the mutated body and guts pouring out of his stomach will forever be in my nightmares! He’s shorter than the others though so HAHA 💀

Anyways. My hot cocoa is cool enough to drink. I’m gonna go back to playing Sonic forces and giggling every time I see Espio on screen.

If you read this, I love you Konny. :}

Sincerely, Dr. A.C.