#traumas will come back because Arcana wants it to

[the-blossica-fan]

Kakania: what's wrong?

Sonetto: I have a voice in my head telling me to do bad things

Arcana (in Sonetto's head): buurn Walmart.... cause chaoooos... tell Kakania Isolde misses her.....

Sonetto (whispering): I will no do such- wait did you say Isolde misses Kakania?

Kakania upon hearing this: ISOOOOLDEEEEEE

Sonetto (and Arcana) comforting Kakania after the fact

I'd love to picture Arcana getting annoyed by Kakania talking too much, since she's a yapper, and Arcana just tells Sonetto to mention Isolde or she will mention Isolde, so the therapy session is now Kakania-comfort session. Poor woman begins to get depressed and Sonetto has to deal with it, Arcana is laughing at her.

Arcana: She's talking too much, it's getting annoying...

Sonetto, whispering: She's just telling us about ways to get along--

Arcana: We need to make her shut up.

Sonetto: I don't want her to shut up, she's saying something useful!

Arcana: ... Tell her Isolde misses her.

Sonetto: What does Isolde have to do with this?

Kakania: ISOLDE?!

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

📓

My Nanako & Akechi AU! Aka my Justice Arcana AU. I swear I've talked about it before on this blog but I couldn't find the post smh. Well regardless this post goes into p much the entire AU so you don't need to read some other post about it to get the full picture anyway.

After the events of P5R, Akechi tries to get as far away from Tokyo as possible and moves to Inaba where he becomes a recluse who never leaves his house except to get groceries and is known by the locals as that weird outsider.

(Little does Akechi know that Inaba is Akira's hometown. This is a surprise tool that will help us later.)

Nanako is about 12/13 years old and she knows some things about the Metaverse and her big bro's adventures, but not a lot. Most of it they've tried to keep secret, but Teddie has a big mouth. (This is not important to the AU but Teddie goes to school now and slowly started aging the more time he spent in the real world, so now he's the age of a high schooler, younger than the rest of the IT but still significantly older than Nanako. Educate This Boy.)

A strange phenomenon begins to take place where people fall into a sudden coma--and for some odd reason, it seems to be targeting Persona users. This draws the attention of Akechi (who is so far unaffected) and he starts investigating it on the down low because he can't help his insatiable curiosity. If there's someone out there who has the power to kill Shadows like he used to, he wants to know who that is and what their agenda is.

Then, Souji falls victim to this phenomenon, passing out in front of Nanako while he's on vacation to Inaba. She calls an ambulance and he is rushed to the hospital. Meanwhile, Akechi decided to visit the hospital in the hopes of finding some leads about the victims, only to come across Akira among the unconscious bodies. Extremely shaken by this, he leaves the ward only to find a young girl clearly having a panic attack outside. (It's Nanako. She has Hospital Trauma + her big bro is in danger. She is doing Bad.)

Long story short, Akechi reluctantly takes Nanako under his wing and the two of them make it their mission to solve the mystery of these mental shutdown-esque cases and save Souji and Akira. The two of them assemble a team consisting of the remaining PT and IT who have not yet fallen unconscious. The Metaverse comes back, though what form it takes exactly...I haven't figured out yet. They do find the Shadows of the Persona users who have fallen victim to the "mental shutdowns" locked away there. The Shadows are also unconscious, but still intact.

Nanako Awakens to a Persona--her arc is about escaping the "perfect little girl" image that's gotten her trapped and made her feel like she can't be her own person with flaws and desires. Nanako wants to be a detective like her dad (and, incidentally, Akechi) and move to the big city with Souji, but Dojima has got it into his head that she's going to be the perfect demure housewife and live in Inaba forever, and because of how (understandably) overprotective he is, she doesn't know how to express her goals to him and has been keeping her plans secret instead, and sometimes considering discarding them completely so she doesn't upset her dad.

Akechi's arc is relatively obvious--he learns how to live again after the events of P5R, makes friends, and becomes a surrogate big bro to Nanako. The two of them lead their makeshift team together which makes for a strange but fun dynamic. (Akechi gets bossed around by the softspoken tween girl.)

I haven't figured out exactly what's going on with the Metaverse yet, unfortunately, such as why it's back and who's behind it all. (I'm hoping playing the other Persona games will give me inspiration.) However, I do know that as they make progress through the new Metaverse, slowly they each fall victim to these "mental shutdowns," until the only ones left are Akechi and Nanako. Akechi thinks for a long time that he's being spared of this fate because of some cosmic irony--after inflicting mental shutdowns on countless people, now he is being forced to live while people he cares about fall victim to it. But then, Akechi starts to feel the signs coming on--lightheadedness, memory issues, etc--that beset the victims before they finally fell unconscious. And after all this time Akechi and Nanako spent together, after they've gotten so close and have discovered their rebellion and identities alongside one another, Akechi falls into a coma too.

And Nanako has to face the final big bad all on her own.

Aaaand that's about all I have for it. If you're curious, Nanako and Akechi's team consists of Yosuke, Naoto, Chie, Marie, Futaba, Sumire, Makoto, Ann, and Mishima (bc I think it'd be funny to make him and Akechi interact). Though slowly that team gets whittled down to just Akechi and Nanako like I said before.

I will almost certainly never write this, but I would like to be able to figure out what is going on with the Metaverse. I've written a little snippet of it (the scene of Nanako and Akechi meeting), so if I ever do figure out what's going on with the Metaverse, maybe I could write more little snippets, we'll see.

[stari-hun]

Book 5 - Prisoner in the Cave 

1914 - 1913 , (the 1914 marked in the game doesn’t make sense, I’m counting it as a mistake)

This entire new update is based on the myth. The myth of The Prisoner in the Cave is about a group of prisoners chained to a wall in a cave their entire life, and only being able to see shadows on the wall from the outside. Skipping a lot but the point is their entire world is defined by the little fragments of the world reflected back to them.

~ Wiggle Wiggle edit this future me ~

Basically, the TLDR of this story is that the Foundation managed to do something besides cause trauma and brainwash people for once and isolated the chemical? atom? They catch wind of a Manus signal where they find a box with Ms Radio inside and it tells Vertin to go to Apeiron. This ties into Book 5.2 where they learned people in the Foundation had met some arcanists from Apeiron which included Sophia and 37's mother. A big chunk of the side stories with the event followed how 37 was following in her mother's footsteps to predict The Storm before Vertin and Co. had even reached the island. To note, 37's mother had successfully predicted a few storms herself, and with what we saw in Book 6, its a possible thing to do with little error. Vertin meets 37 and she tells her it's actually 2007 since the island had been calculating how many years should've passed. Regulus was immediately arrested for having a chaotic neutral alignment, some humans didn't even get to the island since the arcanists of Apeiron don't consider them as able to comprehend math and logic as they can. Comparing this fact to the other parts of the lore is interesting because typically arcanists are considered the irrational ones. The full system is here.

Plot ensues and Vertin and Sonetto go to their sacred info dump session and debate club. What they didn't know is that Arcana was there so Sonetto rightfully lost her cool and broke the sacred silence. For a huge chunk of the story thereafter they have a huge debate to let Sonetto live since usually after someone breaks the silence they have to drink poisoned wine (it's implied if they live they're free to go). Someone makes the point that while Vertin has a point that Sonetto didn't count as someone even there since she didn't have a soul number, the same applies to Vertin so the debate was void. 37 replied that Vertin does in fact have a soul number, some plot significance was revealed there with some ominous words about how a person's soul number can predict their future. 37's character event also said she finds out people's soul numbers as a hobby which is likely why she stayed with Vertin despite not wanting to be on escort duty. Vertin's soul number is 0, the origin point in any graph which says a lot but I'm not here for that rn. Arcana and Vertin get truce bangles so if one hurts the other side they experience pain and if it goes on they'll die. Manus however really didn't care about that since they recruit ample canon fodder. Plot skip later and Vertin is in the Cave of Truth with 37 to find the answer to the unknown Storm chemical. However it comes at the cost of them taking down the shroud hiding the island, leaving them to deal with the consequences of an unknown island showing up in the middle of 1914.

~ Wiggle Wiggle edit this future me ~

Book 5 shows how while the Foundation as a whole is morally grey at best, Manus Vindictae are merciless in their pursuit of continuing the Storm. Everyone in their ranks who isn't a powerful Arcanist is just a necessary sacrifice to them. This is shown near the end of the book when Manus Vindictae peons would repeatedly attack Vertin and her team despite the Peace Agreement meaning they’d die. Book 2 also showed how Manus Vindictae treats humans and Arcanists who join their ranks.

[veggie9961]

Capricorn: The devil of the Zodiac

It's difficult to write about Capricorn. Maybe it's because Capricorn is the sign of discomfort; the sign that is always uncomfortable, and so doesn't allow others to live comfortably. Capricorn is the devil.

But why is it uncomfortable to write about Capricorn? Why is the devil uncomfortable? Why is it so uncomfortable to be a Capricorn anything? Why can it feel uncomfortable to deal with a Capricorn?

Capricorn is associated with two of the twenty-two archetypes in the Major Arcana. The first is, of course, the Devil. The other Tarot card frequently associated with Capricorn is the World.

I specifically chose this design of the World because of how devilish the woman looks. The devil is the lord of the material realms, the master of the world. The devil is wise; she has an incredible manifesting power to acquire and provide all earthy desires. Even those deemed sinful by the dogmas of politics and religion.

Capricorn has mastered the material world---that's why Capricorn placements are often described as old souls. They have quickly reached an intuitive awareness of how to face the world and deal with its expectations. Capricorns were forced to face the world at an early age, usually due to problems at home. The devil is often described as a fallen angel cast out of heaven. Capricorns are cast out the comfort of belonging.

Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, is a master of the all discomforts that come with asserting yourself against the world. Capricorn puts itself through the discomforts before the world can. It places impossible expectations on itself before the world can. The world is the devil; it has impossible expectations.

If the world is the devil and Capricorn is the devil, then Capricorn is the world. Capricorn contains everything.

Here is a depiction of the World card from a traditional deck. The design is adorned with images each representing one of the four fixed signs. Capricorn contains within itself the most assured and deep-set expressions of the four elements.

Capricorn contains everything, and Capricorns contain everything. I'm talking about emotional repression. The dramatic lack of touch with personal needs and wants is probably one of the most infamous difficulties with this sign. This brings us back to the Devil.

The Devil, in Tarot, is about bondage; it's about disabling. Both the devil and the two individuals disabled by chains are symbols for Capricorn. The chains are loose, and the two have more of a confused, uncomfortable look on their faces than a look of fear or unsafety. They're choosing their bondage, and they're doing it for reasons they can't begin to understand.

To be a Capricorn is to repress yourself in every way. To be a Capricorn is to be both the world and the devil---to contain everything but contain everything. Capricorns have it all and keep it all to themselves. Capricorns have such deep and beautiful emotions but they are unable to be honest with themselves and others. They are overthinkers but are of few words. And they have an aggression which they carefully hide.

Capricorns need everything but like to believe they need nothing. They contain everything but contain everything. They are trauma babies. The devil is a trauma baby because the devil needs love but can't ask for it due to the detachment issues seeded during childhood. Capricorn is craving vulnerability but doesn't know how to ask for it. Getting to know a Capricorn can be a tough process, but once you get inside their walls, they reveal that they can be needy, and that they have a whole world of emotion hiding inside.

The inner fire of the devil is in fact Martian, as Mars is exalted in Capricorn. Capricorn's aggression is what fuels its insane manifesting power. Capricorn is an undertaker, ruthless, hard-working and an effective leader; a boss ass bitch with the energy and will to make things happen. Aggression has other colors---with Capricorn, it can often range between sudden outbursts of rudeness, passive sarcasm and the cold silent treatment. Perhaps the devil makes the mistake of unhealthily attempting to hide his agitation and frustration, so when it does all come out it's an outburst.

One consequence of Capricorn's aggression is tension. Tension is also ruled by the planet Mars. Since Capricorn tries to contain its aggression it's constantly tense. Capricorn uses its tension to stay on guard and on top of things. But Capricorn also likes to relieve its tension, especially in the bedroom.

Capricorn is an Earth sign---it is associated fundamentally with matters of the physical realm---and it is the final Earth sign. Capricorn is wild in bed; the devil loves sex. Sex and sexual power are also ruled by the planet Mars. Capricorns can be afraid of the uncontained nature of their own sexuality, causing them to develop a repressive character. When trust is built with a Capricorn, she will be a passionate and loyal lover who keeps revealing wilder shades of her sexual imaginary.

Maybe Capricorns have a repressive character because the world represses hypersexuality. Society represses expression in general. Capricorns repress themselves pre-emptively because the world is repressive. Capricorns are the world and so they carry the burdens placed on us by the world. And as the world gets more repressive, Capricorns will be weighed further down.

You can truly go on and on about Capricorn. I still haven't mentioned some of its major indications: authority, discipline, structure, reputation. These indications are summarized by the last Tarot card sometimes associated with Capricorn.

I also didn't mention some obscure interpretations of the sign I've come across or up with: time, dialectic, stages, journeys, hierarchy. More to come.

[hallowmoon-art]

Hiiiii ~ Curious about your MCs 🌱 🌪️ 🌌 if possible!

Hello, and absolutely!!!

🌱What is their most vivid memory from childhood?

For Yzme it would when she first really saw her curse in action so to speak. On one of her first jobs breaking and entering to steal with her guild, she was grabbed by the arm making her bandages come loose, but luckily an older member stepped in and saved her.

For Aelia, I wanted to play off what was said in the TS demo about the unnamed origin finding Kuras familiar. So that one won't be completely fleshed out until the game is out and if it even touches more on that line. But so far I headcanon that she saw him in one of her first visions and his face just really kind of stuck with her. Like out all the premonitions she has had, the one with Kuras was the most memorable.

For Halcyon, it would when they successfully cast their first spell. This one's pretty simple, but Hallie would have been extremely proud of themselves.

🌪️ What is the biggest change you've ever made to them? how have they changed from their original version?

Halcyon and Aelia were one and done. I didn't make any revisions to them. Aside from a possible wardrobe update in the future, I mostly likely won't change them. Aelia took about a day while Halcyon took about a week to make.

Yzme went through the most changes. She started out as the far left char before the devs released any info on the MC and once they did, I decided that what little I had come up with didn't mesh well, but I didn't want to start over completely. Kept some of the base aspects like the skin/eye color and hair type, and worked more around the curse and slightly changed the name- Esme to Yzme. Changed Esme's name recently so they didn't sound too similar. She's just kind of a fanon LI thing in the back of my head now.

Then not too long afterwards, changed Yzme's eyes to blue and gave her more straight hair instead of wavy. And in even newer pieces, Yzme's hair is a bit longer and I've updated her outfit a little.

🌌 What was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

The inspo behind Yzme is my own personality really. Out of all the origins, I feel like the Hound had it the hardest. They seem like a just a person. No special powers beyond the curse while the Unnamed has premonitions/can sense things and the Alchemist can cast magic. So Yzme deals with life like I do- dark humor and a smart ass mouth to cope with the trauma/depression. So the first thing I decided once I got her design down was how she'd snap back at people/have a mouth that got her in trouble, and that really aligned with the MC in the game so I was really happy about that. lol

Aelia's inspo is what I wish I could be sometimes. To be more positive through any hard time. That and I modeled her body closer to mine and her looks to reflect her bright personality (she supposed to reminiscent to a sunrise). I can also be extremely shy and anxious, and that was the first thing I decided for her when reading the Unnamed background. Someone who has social anxiety because they never left what was comfortable to them.

Halcyon's inspo was mostly just making a mage like character around themes I like - witchcraft, galaxies, pastels. I did this with my Arcana MC as well so if anything, I unconsciously pulled from her design a little now that I think about it. Both have pastel colored hair, orange eyes (well my Arcana MC originally had orange eyes), and they both can cast spells. The only more real life qualities Hallie has is the fact that they have mundane insecurities about their appearance. Hallie has shark-like teeth and slightly pointed ears. But they live in world with monsters that have horns, tails, odd eyes, sharp teeth, etc so it's not like it necessary out of the norm at this point, but they know it used to not be normal at all. I was making Hallie for either Leander or Vere and leaned into what Vere said about the MC. "Not quite human, not quite monster." It was something along those lines.

These have been my favorite questions to answer so far so thank you so much for asking!! I talk about my MC a decent amount. but I've never got to talk about the process in making them so this was really exciting!💕

[tigerr-cherry]

HELLO WAITER WAITER SOME CREAM RAMBLE AND ART PLEASE

Evil and fucked up i didn't see the post for fit suggestion

May i suggest something along these lines

I have 0 idea what style Cream would b about so yeahg

Cherry Im shaking yiuy

EVIL AND FUCKED UP INDEED !

Jfgjdsg sorry I took so long 2 answers. I wasn't sure how much info I should spill, so I rewrote this like 6 times. each time a different part of the story lol

¡ info dump !

So! First thing about Cream is that they're a demon! Well, technically part demon. Cream comes from a long family history of demon blood. On their mother's side, it's rumored that the family made a deal with the devil for power and riches but for whatever reason they never uphold the deal and was cursed with supernatural ability that will never give them peace. Basically, they're kinda like mediums.

On their father's, rumored to blessed with the blood of angels. Noble and holy people who lead with strength and wisdom. They’re basically like royalty. But plot twist! Both sides of the family r from demons ! A lot happens (trauma) in their childhood and early life, but I won't get to that

Where the story starts is when Cream is being dragged up from 'hell' after just successfully taking over the throne . She was just betrayed by one of their allies, which she had suspected but underestimated how hard they were gonna hit. Being dragged up to the moral realm means death to demons, but since Cream is part human, it won't kill her because she has a physical form.

Anyways, where Cream was pulled up from was in Judith's late grandma's backyard, who watched the whole thing. Obviously scared shitless she starts freaking out.

Cream needs energy to get back to 'hell' so they take control of the situation and convince judith that they're just an injured poor soul that just wants to go home :(

Judith unfortunately believes them bc she understand how it feels. Cream can easily read Judith right off the bat. Judith is deeply insecure, low self-esteem, and just wants to belong, plus ! She's grieving over her presume to be dead grandma. Cream takes advantage of her vulnerability and tells judith whatever she wanna hear to slowly consume her energy (which will eventually kill her). Girl falls in love with them bc who wouldn't?

This is the part of the story where I'm deciding how cruel Cream will be for her own desires . Is this all just an act to get what they want and secretly actually care about Judith in their weird way? Or does cream simple not gaf ?

Uhhh fun facts!

• Cream goes by they/she/it . No longer really sees themselves as a person more of a thing. No labels on sexuality bc Cream will go for anyone they think is fun

• Cream has Anophthalmia, which is when the eye is didn’t develop . They also happen to get a scar over that eye in a bar fight lol

• favorite bands are MARINA and Studio Killers

• dosen't like wearing clothes lmao they kinda feel like they're above that so Judith has to convince them to wear at least a shirt. It's a good day if she can get Cream to wear a dress at least

• hasn't been it the mortal realm since the 16th century, so it has been a difficult adjustment for them

• when the story takes place, Cream unknowingly has a great (x20) granddaughter roaming around. It doesn't have any importance to the story, tho

•Cream isn't its real name

Here's some songs that fit w the characters' theme/ vibe

•how Cream sees itself

•how Cream sees their relationship with Judith

• how Judith sees Cream

•basically a general view of their relationship

Uhh art next ! Sorry

Old art I have of cream back when they were an Arcana oc. Oh, how much they've changed 🤧(this is from I was like 17-18. I had a LOT more, but I've lost a major of it)

[loftec]

Ooohh ho! not missing my chance for a lil peek into that noggin of yours!! <3

📓

Hah! Sorry for taking ages to do this, I quite honestly decided that I would use this opportunity to tell one of you poor sods brave enough to ask about my epic Merlin canon divergent daydream story I've worked on since 2012, and then I spent 2 days just THINKING through the general plotpoints, nevermind writing them down, and then I remembered I have a big deadline coming up at work and had no time for daydreaming at all.

So maybe let's not do that one… but what else, what else? My problem is that I consider all my Shameless daydream stories to be actual drafts for actual fics (that I probably won't ever write but I simply must still believe!) so I’m not sure… Hang on, I've seen you politely like some of the Dead Boy stuff I’ve reblogged, haven't I? I will take this as an invitation to tell you about my Other DBD daydream story!

Open on Crystal and Charles carefully walking down a corridor lined with doors on both sides, bickering. They're looking for something and Crystal wants to kick down doors and rifle through things, and Charles is doing his LEVEL BEST to be the stand-in think-first guy in their unbalanced kick-first-think-later duo. They're inside Edwin's mind, and Charles is like look, Edwin would hate this, he doesn't even take off his jacket in mixed company (by which Charles means any company besides Charles) and now we're walking through his thoughts and memories and you know what he's like about his books, how do you think he'd feel about having us mucking about in his mind??

Cut back to earlier with some context for how they ended up there. Edwin had just shut down at some point (for magical reasons or some delayed reaction to, you know, all the trauma) and they figure out that he's somehow trapped in his own mind and Crystal says she'll go in and figure him out, and Charles insists that she must not go alone because Edwin's got a great big old mind, right? She needs a guide or she’ll get lost or make things worse or see something she shouldn't. Crystal isn't impressed with his lack of faith in her, but she can see that he's at his wits' end and concedes that he has a point. If anyone can navigate whatever's going on in Edwin's mind, besides Edwin, it's Charles.

It's an endless system of warmly lit hallways, dark patterned carpets and soft worn wooden floors, wallpapers and wall sconces and doors, so many doors. The doors have labels on them, and the hallways connect in octagonal sitting rooms and mind-breaking MC Escher stairways, different wings of the sprawling structure organised after subject. History, Arcana, Language (there's a door in there labelled "English (Charles)" that our detectives won’t see, but which I want you to know about just for fun), and so on.

In a more brightly lit wing of Edwin's mind palace (hah) labelled "Friends and Acquaintances", looking a bit like a new addition to the house, Crystal finds a door with her name on it and finally argues her way into getting to open a door and snoop a little. She's surprised by how nice it is in there, a big comfy chair next to an open window, sheer curtains billowing in a mild breeze, sounds from a distant city below. The walls are lined with bookcases, most of which are empty. She grabs one of the few books neatly placed on one of the shelves, where one would naturally assume the start of an indexed collection would be. She opens the book to a random page, filled with tidy handwritten notes. "Likes Pro Wrestling (Ed. Ask C about Pro Wrestling) Americans, honestly!" is next to "Visibly distraught at mention of Niko (Ed. Offer comfort next time.)" and "Must she be here quite this much?" and ”I wish she would have never darkened our door.” and "Likes coffee (Ed. Look into supplies)”. She closes it again, and carefully puts it back. There’s so much space for more books in this room.

(I meant ”Ed” as ”Editor’s note” but just realised it looks a bit like he’s referring to himself as Ed in his own mind, which is pretty funny.)

Charles leads them through the building, unsure of what they’re looking for but surprisingly sure of where they’re going. He casually mentions the most tender and meticulous observations when Crystal asks for reasoning behind going this way or that, or why they’re not checking one door over another. One door is labelled ”The Dollhouse” and Crystal jokes about wanting to check it out, wondering if it’s something formative from his childhood, and Charles tells her don’t go near it, trust me. You don’t want to know. And Crystal hears him and follows his lead and doesn’t mention the very notable absence of a ”Charles” door, even though she really wants to. Charles is nothing if not observant, he must have noticed too.

He also doesn’t seem phased when they find the whole-ass Charles wing. Door after door after door after door, ”Charles (Jokes)”, ”Charles (Open Cases)”, ”Charles (Closed Cases)”, ”Charles (Unsaid)”, ”Charles (Secrets)”, ”Charles (Daily)” ”Charles (Pre-Afterlife)”, ”Charles!”, ”Charles?”, ”Charles (Smiles)”, ”Charles (Scores 1993-1999”) and on and on. Charles peeks into one or two, suddenly unsure if he knows what he’s doing or where he’s supposed to be looking, and the rooms all look like the office. Some at night, some flooded with sunlight, some muffled by snowfall, some rattling in a storm, all of them filled with a homely warmth and absolutely stacked with shelves upon shelves of books and archive boxes stuffed heavy with files. In ”Charles (Scores 1999-2010)” Charles can’t help himself and pulls out a file from a dusty box close to the doorway. ”November 11, 2009. Pictionary. Win: Charles.” The ghost of a lump forming in his throat, Charles looks through the attached appendices, smiles at the memory of Edwin’s outraged ”Charles! That is not a penguin, in what world is that a penguin?”, his fingertips tracing the beaked blob on one of the wrinkled papers.

At the end of the very long hallway there’s a small door, looking more like a janitor’s closet than another room, and there isn’t a proper plaque on this one, but a handwritten note stuck to it with tape. It says ”Mr and Mrs Rowland”. Charles can’t even comprehend what Edwin knows about Charles’ parents that wouldn’t handily fit in the ”Charles (Pre-Afterlife)” room, but would need the extra closet space. Curiosity gets the better of him and when he opens it, he finds it just stuffed to the brim with scribbles, actual cartoony scribbles that fall out in a big pile over his feet and up to his knees, ”Mr and Mrs Rowland” written over and over and over and swept into a dark closet. Like, you’re not a 14 year old girl with a crush, but you’re gay and you’re a ghost and you’re from 1916 and you’re in love with your best friend who has made you watch enough modern media to influence some tiny annoying and persistent part of your mind to subconsciously do an abjectly silly thing you know makes no sense, but will only do it more if you try to reason with it.

Crystal very kindly doesn’t comment on it as she helps him kick the bouncing scribbles back into a pile they can shove back in the closet. Charles is a little red around the ears, but he doesn’t seem surprised, so this is yet another thing Crystal has underestimated about him. Charles for the first time since Crystal got them in there, feels lost. He followed his instincts and he was so sure, until he ended up in the Charles wing and maybe got a bit distracted? Does he actually think Edwin is somewhere in this part of his mind palace (heh) or is he just being a massive self-absorbed knob wishing he could go back in one of his rooms and just go through memories until Edwin would find him, instead?

Then Crystal notices one of those fold-down ceiling ladders above them. Even this is labelled, a neat little sign saying ”Uncategorised”. He pulls the string and folds down the steps, carefully climbing up and sticking his head into… an attic. The attic. As cluttered and dusty as he remembers it, the first rays of early dawn shining through the dirty window and filling the space with shadows and twilight.

So this is as far as I’ve gotten, I’ve mostly just enjoyed having Charles and Crystal walk around in Edwin’s mind, exploring and talking about things (Edwin, and hell, and feelings). Also I more or less finished my deadline yesterday and told myself to go to bed early to finally get a full night’s sleep, and instead I stayed up until 1 am and wrote this and I don’t know if it makes any kind of sense, but there it is!

(On a sidenote; I genuinely couldn’t tell you how it is that the opening to Dreamcatcher at some point became foundational to my personality, when I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually watched all of Dreamcatcher.)

[arcplaysgames]

If the Fortune Arcana is literally a fortune teller, I am going to slash some tires. Especially since, like, the point of the fucking Wheel is that you are not in a position to see where it will turn.

Some journalist I've seen for like five minutes makes a deal with Reverie. She'll give a name of the criminal running the scams in Shibuya but she wants access to someone at Shujin who suffered under Kamoshida's abuse.

Which is a shitty deal, so calling it: Devil arcana.

Morgana suggests Mishima for the deal, so, uh

I hate Mishima but this feels terrible. 8C Come on, he's gonna think it's a date and instead someone is gonna ask him about the volleyball coach beating him. This sucks, Persona 5 Royal!!!! I hate this!

And Ryuji gets accosted by... drag performers??? Or are they just queer people? I am literally looking through my screencaps of this scene and I frankly don't get what it's trying to imply here???? I feel like it's a joke at my people's expense but I'm missing context, so. SHRUG.

Kaneshiro's palace seems to be the entirety of Shibuya's central street. Which made me think they just didn't want to make new assets but I'm proven wrong in a bit.

Seeing people as walking ATMs doesn't make sense to me, like, you withdraw from your own account with ATMs, not from the magical ATM fairy. I don't get this metaphor. Whatev!

TURNS OUT THE ACTUAL PALACE IS A FLYING BANK. Alright. That's sure a thing.

I feel like this was an incredibly valid question. Unfortunately, Morgana cannot turn into non-car things. Which really begs a lot of questions about why he can become specifically a van.

Ryuji when was the last time you were useful, homes, you are the one who got us into this fucking mess with Makoto because you kept screaming about being a Phantom Thief, you absolute dunderfuck. Don't insult Morgana.

Dinnertime at the Nijima Household.

This is a totally inappropriate reaction but I started laughing in disbelief because like. This turn is SO hard and SO sudden and came out of nowhere???? Sae, bruh, what the fuck, are you having a bad day?

OH MY GOD SHE IS LMAO THAT'S HER EXCUSE. And then she says she's going to stop coming home for dinner from now on???? Holy shit?

lmao as the main caretaker of a very frustrating person who drives me batshit, I am judging Sae so fucking hard right now. Remember the halcyon days when we first met Sae? God, I barely remember. Now she's interrogating our card collection and making Dojima look like Parent of the Year.

The Thieves meet up to talk about how to reach the Palace and Makoto just invites herself along again, and Ann happens to call her "useless" and oh my god is this like her trauma trigger?

ATLUS

WHO THE FUCK WAS YOUR SCENE COORDINATOR FOR THIS SEQUENCE

AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?

YOU JUST FLASHED BACK TO A SCENE THAT LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED 40 SECONDS AGO.

Makoto completely loses her shit and is like "okay fine I will go find you Kaneshiro" and storms off

Gets shoved into the back of an unmarked car by two thugs

Everyone very reasonably flips their shit too and chases after her, including Ryuji throwing himself into the path of a speeding car to make it stop

which: is the most Chariot shit any Chariot has ever Charioted, but also if he got hit doing this, I would have deleted the game in a rage-blackout, i'm so furious with Makoto

and oh she leads them to Kaneshiro! and he immediately snaps a photo of them all for blackmail purposes. he wants 3 million yen in 3 weeks.

HEY YUSUKE?

THANK YOU

Everyone gets a shot of sympathy for Makoto because she's like super sorry that she flipped her shit and ran off and confronted some mafia dudes and got in their car and wound up needing a rescue and then got everyone on the hook for 3 million yen, which is about what I make in a fucking year (roughly)

whatever, they bring her into the Metaverse, she pops her Persona, it's a motorcycle, which is way more fucking cool than she deserves

you know what, same here. same here.

I think I feel comfortable saying, yeah, this is worse than Ryoji. If anyone is hoping I turn on Makoto later, do not hold your breath, because this is a staggeringly bad prolonged introduction to this character. I am to a point I want to sit down with the writers and just ask them to explain to me what impression they intended to leave on the player, taking a character who has thus far only been a stalker and harasser of the protagonists turned outright blackmailer turned into oh now someone else is blackmailing us bc of her? and then handing her off like "here's a new teammate"

what

the actual

fuck

thank you and good night. I'm going to bed.

[thepioden]

for the tav asks, 3, 4, 15, and 25?

THANKS I'D LOVE TO

Since you didn't specify, all extant Tavs' answers under the cut

3: Race and subclass?

Themistocles: Tiefling (Devil's Tongue Variant) Conjuration Wizard. He's also technically 1/4 dragon for '3rd generation adventurer' reasons but this is mechanically a nonissue because see above re: Tiefling.

Xilkalyn: Drow Twilight Cleric (thanks, Cleric Subclass Mods!) In the Vanilla game, he'd be a Light Cleric, but he's also my PC from Waterdeep Dragon Heist, where he is a Twilight Cleric of Selune.

Revka: Brass Dragonborn Open-Hand Monk. She's my only girl who wasn't a 5e PC I'm re-using and therefore she gets No Modded Special Privileges or Background.

4: If your Tav was a companion, where would they be found?

T: You probably have to rescue his dipshit tail from that adventuring party in the temple ruins. "Talk fast eat ass" does not get you very far in the wilderness, turns out.

X: Has contrived to get himself to the druid grove and is probably hanging out with Wyll and making himself insufferably useful. Doesn't feel great about the Drow cadaver on the slab in Nettie's chambers though I'll tell you what.

R: You have to break up a fight between her and Astarion, because she wandered into him first, he tried the knife thing, and they got into a STR 8 DEX-off stalemate.

15: What NPC's do they like? Which one's do they dislike?

T: Likes - He has latched on to Rolan like some sort of nerdy leech. Wants to talk Wizard shit and also smack him upside the head also maybe smooch his dumb face? (This is a problem Tim has with a lot of people, including favorite NPC number 2:) Dammon, who he wants to come live in their camp and make them cool magic items. He likes that Dammon is competent but also a fucking weirdo. Tell Tim about the Hells, Dammon. Spare no detail. Dislikes - Lorroakan. That dude is a disgrace to Wizardry, what the fuck. Headcanon that he has Professional Wizard Beef with him from before the game timeline. Raphael. You're just a Cambion, motherfucker, calm down. Same to you, Mizora. You could do better, Wyll. Enver Gortash, because he dicked over Best Girl Karlach Cliffgate.

X: Likes - Xilkalyn actually recruits Minthara (now that you can do it without committing atrocities), so Halsin is his favorite! They get along, being relatively well-adjusted. He's extremely fond of Alfira, because he has a terminal soft-spot for Bards and she's very Nice. He feels religiously obligated to like Dame Aylin but she's. Intense. He's mostly intimidated by Dame Aylin. Dislikes - Holy shit on a stick but Viconia DeVir. She is a microcosm of so much generational trauma and also so much Kalyn Is Actively A Selunite and so much This Is Why People Don't Like Us. The Emperor. Xilkalyn extended so much benefit of the doubt and for what, man. For fucking what.

R: Likes - Has big-sisterly feeling towards Mol that are probably unwarranted and are certainly unreciprocated. Simps for Nine-Fingers because her taste in women is "dangerous." Much like Tim, also think Lucretious is Neat. Blurg and Omeluum! They're chill dudes, she respects what they've got going down, calm down, Lae'zel. Dislikes - the Zhentarim. Rugan didn't deserve that, probably. Orin, because, Jesus Christ, also, give Lae'zel back >:(

25: What arcana major best represents your Tav?

T: Wheel of Fortune

X: The Hanged Man

R: The Chariot

[cookinguptales]

wwdits tarot: the moon

We’re drawing close to the end now… Only three more Major Arcana after this one, The Sun, Judgement, and The World.

This weekend, I’m planning on opening my inbox up to asks for tarot readings again to celebrate finishing this project, so keep an eye out! I’ll probably be making a poll for which deck y’all would like me to use shortly.

Today’s card is XVIII. The Moon, and it’s probably the only card that I wanted to use two different characters for so badly that I wracked my brain trying to think of the best way to do it.

I think I’ve settled on a good solution. We’ll see what you guys think.

The Moon is about fear, insecurity, and illusion. It’s a card that cautions you against giving into self-doubt, and advises you to try and see your situation with unclouded eyes.

The Moon is one of those cards that feels compassionate but at the same time lightly chastising to me. There is a sense here that you might be feeling afraid because of things in your past. There has been past trauma or your self-esteem has been systematically broken down. You have reason to feel afraid, The Moon acknowledges, but that doesn’t change the fact that your fear is illusory.

There’s also a sense to this card that things are not always as they seem. Either you are tricking yourself due to your anxieties, or someone else is tricking you and you need to see through their lies. Maybe there’s just a miscommunication and a misconception, or maybe there is active deceit afoot.

The Moon tells you to have faith in yourself and step out into the moonlight regardless of your fears. It tells you to see through the illusions holding you back and stop being so darn anxious. While your fears are not entirely unfounded, you are the only person who has the strength to push past them.

With all that said, there are two characters that fit this card well for me but in very, very different ways. Put simply, I had one character in mind who represented the fear — and one who represented the fearful.

And then I remembered: The Moon has two dogs on it, a domesticated one and a wolf.

So I think… yes, this dog certainly has room for my puppy and the wolf.

First, let’s talk about the dog. The first character I want on this card is Jenna. Jenna is a small quivering dog of a vampire, let’s be real. She does overcome this, to some degree, but I think her overall vibe really, really suits this card.

Jenna isn’t a weak person and she never has been. She’s bright, she’s curious, she’s capable, and she likes to try new things. But… her self-esteem is terrible and she lets people walk all over her. She’s so, so timid. The world scares her mainly because she believes that she’s too weak to live in it, whether that’s true or not.

Jenna does seem to have been systematically browbeaten by her peers (something that sets Nadja off and makes her want to liberate her) so you can kind of see where her timidity comes from. People have told her she’s not good enough, and people have treated her like she’s not good enough, so you can see where the fear that she’s not good enough has come from.

She allows people to treat her the way she believes she deserves to be treated, and she thinks she deserves to be treated that way because of how they treat her. It’s a vicious cycle.

But, like The Moon tells us, it’s also an illusory one. Jenna is not weak, and she grows into herself and her powers very admirably. We’re really only seeing the first few baby steps of her journey (mainly because Beanie Feldstein started getting other work) but it’s really lovely to see her grow past her fears and shatter the illusions that’s been laboring under for years.

That’s symbolized even more heavily by her unique power, which is invisibility. She is able to take advantage of the exact illusion that’s been used against her for all these years, and now she’s able to use it against others.

When it comes to the base idea of a person cowed by illusions and needing to take control of their own destiny, Jenna is a very, very straightforward representation of The Moon.

So when it comes to the dog — or rather, maybe still just a puppy — I want to have Jenna.

But… on the other hand, there is also the wolf... and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. The other character I want to have on this card is Gail.

As far as wolves and illusion go, it’s not very hard to see where those things come in when we’re talking about a literal werewolf. She was hiding that she literally turns into a wolf here. Like… it’s not a stretch.

But I want to go a lot deeper than that and talk about how Gail functions in the narrative and how she has nurtured both fear and illusion in Nandor.

Now — let’s get one thing straight. Nandor is an idiot who creates his own problems. Gail has never promised him forever, and a lot of his angst involving her really revolves around the Gail that he has invented in his mind, not the one who has always been pretty honest about her intentions.

But at the same time, she does not treat this guy well. She knows he’s head over heels for her but still keeps coming back to string him along whenever she gets bored. She doesn’t respect him and doesn’t seem to like him that much and certainly doesn’t want to be loyal to him. And while she never exactly promised him loyalty, it still seems rough to be fucking another guy without even telling him. If you don’t want a monogamous relationship, that’s fine — but it seems like she didn’t even tell Nandor or Anton that she wasn’t being faithful to either of them. They deserve that information.

And she drives Nandor mad. He’s always had insecurities, but Gail always seems to ratchet that up to 100. Every time she leaves him, or insults him, or cheats on him, he starts to fall into a deep depression about whether he can ever be loved. She encourages his insecurities and feeds him lies to keep his illusions about her intact.

I don’t mean the werewolf thing, to be clear. It seems like she was actually fairly honest with him about that. But he definitely didn’t know she was also sleeping with a werewolf, whom she let turn her, and that illusion, that of affection and loyalty, was one that deeply hurt him. More importantly, she really does seem to encourage this illusion that there could be a real, lasting relationship between them.

A normal person who just wants something casual with someone will break up with them or at least be super, super clear with them once they start getting in too deep. The smart, kind thing to do would have been to make a clean break with Nandor the first time she dumped him. But this apparently happens all the damn time, her showing up, her getting his hopes up, and then her leaving again. While Nandor should have gotten the memo by now (no pun intended), she is far from blameless in this toxic relationship.

It kind of feels like she shows up every time she needs an ego boost, or maybe a temporary playmate, and she’s willing to manipulate Nandor in order to get that. Sometimes it seems like she enjoys feeding into his anxieties and having men who will tie themselves in knots over her while she dangles the illusion of affection over their heads. It's just unkind.

Gail is certainly feeding both his illusions and his insecurities, but like The Moon always tells us — Nandor is still the only one that can actually fix his own problem here. He needs to rise above his fears and see through the illusions she’s fed him so he can move on with someone who actually loves him.

(Speaking of Memos…)

So I think that Gail and Jenna really show both sides of this card, the fear and the creator of it, someone blinded by illusions and someone who makes a meal of them. And both of them show the importance of facing your fears and tearing down illusion.

I think having both the dog and the wolf on here in their most metaphorical senses is probably the way that I want to go forward with this one. I want both the fear and the fear itself, if you get me.

To show that, let’s go into the imagery.

Like I said, The Moon is a card that has both a dog and a wolf baying at the moon together, who looks down at them both. The dog and wolf represent the tamed and untamed parts of our mind, and the crawfish emerging from the water and starting on its path represents emerging from illusion and beginning your journey away from it. (It also sometimes represents the emerging enemy that you need to watch out for!)

I would have both Jenna and Gail on this card, a puppy and a wolf at their sides respectively, each with one hand resting on the canine assigned to them. The dogs are both looking up at the moon, but Gail and Jenna are both looking down their path, clear-eyed and knowing what they truly want.

(The crawfish can… stay, I guess. lmao)

wwdits tarot masterpost

[saemi-the-dreamer]

I hope it isn’t too much but:

1, 7, 8, 12, 16, 18, 25

It can be any fandom :D

Thank you very much! I think I'm going to go "fandom general" or what comes to my mind spontaneously then :D

Now, let's get down!

The character everyone gets wrong

Two characters come to mind for this:

Nadia from "The Arcana", and Kristoph from "Apollo Justice".

Okay "everyone" is an exaggeration of course, but most of the popular takes and characterisations I stumbled upon don't seem right.

Nadia is way too often softened and shown as this Goddess who can do no wrong although her whole premise and route (partly) says otherwise!! And even the creators and narrative go and write how nothing is her fault and everyone quickly forgives and loves her even though it doesn't make sense! Nadia is a wonderful, very interesting character, but her flaws are way too often overlooked!

Kristoph, just like Godot, suffers from the bad English translation (or rather interpretation of the translators and players) and gets a lot of hate for it. Is almost always written as an abusive brother/lover and a sociopath and his black psyche locks get swept under the rug as "his paranoia" when it's obviously not! Canon gave an explanation for what these locks are, stop finding excuses because you don't want to see that Kristoph is actually more complex, not so rotten as you'd like to!!!

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

Not "hate" but... I really got fed up of these two at one point:

While I've calmed myself about Sans and (fortunately) started finding more satisfying fanwork with him, and less multi-universe Sanses who are the creators and absolute core character of the story didn't you know; I'm still salty about Elsa, and not just because of the fandom, but also because of how CANON. The blatant favouritism and neglect of Anna because of that bitch her gets on my nerves so bad!!

And while I don't hate or despise, I am getting saltier with this one when it comes to how fandom portrays his relationship with Phoenix:

Don't get me wrong, I still like the character, but my enjoyment of WrightWorth has dropped quite a lot lately because I am SO SICK of how fandom is most often making Phoenix the "irresponsible one", ridiculing him and his traumas, or worst! Like, if these people are biased AF for Edgy and projecting on him; then I must say that I relate a lot to Phoenix, especially his experience with that letter, yes THAT ONE! DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING IDEA OF HOW HARD IT IS TO RECEIVE THIS KIND OF MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT ONLY FOR THEM TO JUST THEN WALK BACK AND ACT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED?!!! I had a similar experience in the past and IT STILL HURT THINKING ABOUT IT!! And stangely, if you look up with tags like "Edgeworth critical", "Edgeworth salt" or anything where you want some catharsis or just see if there's a story where Edgy's mess catches up to him and he isn't miraculously forgiven or anything and he must live with the consequences? Like many fics do with Phoenix, where he's either an asshole or authors insist on how "his actions are CONSEQUENCES!!", but there ARE NONE (to my knowledge!) for Edgy?! At best, it's a "the wrongs are shared"; Phoenix can get some bashing, but Miles cannot. How is that, I wonder...

8. Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

In general: when a character isn't good at school, or interested in it or something like that = they're dumb (and vice versa). No, JUST NO! Just because someone doesn't get good marks or doesn't like school doesn't mean they're stupid or won't get anywhere in life, that's just plain propaganda we've been hammered for too long! You want a fictional example? Chloe Price - from "Life is Strange; Before the Storm" - loves chemistry and is quite knowledgeable about it, but she doesn't get good grades because she doesn't put any effort into her studies or is bravading. As for her "dumb" decisions and life choices, it's not linked to her academic results, full stop.

On the same category: naive and/or innocent =/= dumb, please!!

12. The unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

I think I like too many unpopular characters to pick one and I don't want to persuade anyone. I just wish people would respect people who have a different opinion, and accept that what they see in a character, others don't but they see something in the character they don't like. No one has to justify why they like this or that.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Very salty version of a character or story, while I can get the catharsis aspect and use a character as a mouthpiece sometimes, pushing it so far that said chara is unrecognizable and just gratuitously mean/rude to others? Nope.

The "Y character was raped/sexually abused by X" with basically nothing in canon to support that theory. Not everything is about sex! And it's mostly used as an excuse to pile more traumas on a character, but then they never explore or really address it afterwards.

The "homewrecker" fake friend. I know fake/bad friends can be interesting to work with, given how it can affect someone (both irl and fictional), but I'm freaking tired of seeing girl/woman being reduced as petty and whose ultimate goal is to steal the MC's bf/fiancé. (Even if I admit that there are stories that have this trope that I like a lot, mostly because it's well-developed and has a good contest for it!)

18. It's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

Princess Peach's origins!! Where are the theories?! Any story? Any concept for her parents or family?! And I'm not just talking about the movie! I remember seeing people having theories about Rosalina being the future daughter of Mario and Peach, but what if the two were (distantly) related another way? I mean, Peach has special powers no one else has in her world, and is very close to the Stars in general, what if one of her parents (her father in my HC) was from the Stars?

25. Common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

In Miraculous: "Chloé deserved redemption and it was robbed from her."

Even without taking season 5 into account, no. She didn't "deserve" it. It would have been nice and/or interesting, but Chloé choosing not to change or change for the worse could be interesting too.

Do I have a problem with the writing of the show in general? YES. With Chloé, even if I'm not a fan? Yep. But I'm sick of people whining and going on about how everything would have been better if she had been a heroine (reminds me of Malfoy in HP fandom) and saying she's a poor abused baby girl when she's not. Abuse is a cycle, full of various manipulations, and neither André or Audrey used this on her! Unless you mean "abused" as in "suffers for bad parenting/poorly raised from André and negligence from Audrey", which I agree with.

[midnightprelude]

Major Arcana: Strength

Written by @oftachancer and I for the @30daysofdorian event!

Masterpost | First | Previous | Next

CW: conversion therapy (aftermath); successful blood magic ritual; recovering from trauma; adopted children; SEXUAL CONTENT

In the ensuing black, Dorian found Rilienus standing still, his expression a careful mask, his harpist’s fingers curled into fists. Silent. Rilienus had a number of different kinds of quiet, Dorian remembered: reading quiets, napping quiets, pondering quiets, adoring quiets. He had only one kind of silent, where he lost the curves and softness that made him him. 

And Dorian could not blame him for this one. This dark vengeful piercing fury that roared inside his very, very carefully contained shell. 

Dorian stood with him, in the void, the ghost of red still lingering behind his eyelids. 

His father had done it.

Had taken every part of Dorian and smoothed out all of the edges that made him into a cold, uncaring statue. Molded in Halward’s own image. Even in those last moments, Dorian had hoped that his father would stop. That some last minute regret would have changed everything. That perhaps there could have been some sort of forgiveness. That Halward would have extended his hand, as he had on the cliffside, and offered him another lesson.

He had been wrong. Dreadfully, dangerously wrong. So wrong that it had nearly cost him everything that had ever given him joy. His love. His family. His entire personality.

Erased, like they’d never been a part of him at all.

Like he’d never been, at all.

But here he stood, not whole, but trying, all because of this man who looked as though he might light the entire world ablaze.

So he wrapped his arms around Rilienus, kissing him hard, because it’s precisely what Halward Pavus wouldn’t have wanted. 

The pain didn’t plague him. Not when he lifted Rilienus up and kissed him again, pressing his back to the marble wall, black as ink.

Rilienus gasped against him, breaths ragged, nothing but air and wind and heat. Pressure. Fingers digging into Dorian’s shoulders, as if he could sink claws and hold him there.

“I love you,” Dorian whispered against his skin, repeating the phrase over and over again. “I don’t know how long we have, but I love you and I need you and I want you.”

“You-“ Rilienus quaked, scraping his fingers up into Dorian’s hair, searching his eyes in the shadows. “You do?”

“I do. Here. Now.” Dorian held him there, pressing kisses to his collarbone. “I don’t know if it will last, but I want you now, while I can.”

He did not have to ask again. Rilienus’ fire could create just as easily as it could destroy, especially here, roaring so that each of his touches warmed Dorian’s skin, sizzled away the memory of linen and thread. Them. Only them, in the emptiness. Flesh and blood and bone. Rilienus raked his teeth across Dorian’s collarbone. He stroked his hands down Dorian’s sides. Rage replaced temporarily by hunger. Ache. Loss. Love. 

Love that poured out of him in waves, soothing Dorian’s cracked and aching heart like a summer rain during a drought. Dorian drank down his love, letting it wash over him as they twined, gasping and groaning in the darkness. 

What use was light, when Dorian knew every inch of Rilienus’ skin, the sight and feel and scent and taste etched into his mind indelibly? Memories rushed back, like old friends, as though they’d never been lost. Nights spent mapping each other’s bodies like expert cartographers, days spent vacillating between studying their texts and each other. Dorian watched them come to life then, joining, past and present and future melding together. Laughter and merriment. Frustration and sorrow. The joy of homecoming. The fumbling fear of parting. In hedges and high-ceilinged libraries, in brothels and bedchambers. Arguments dissolving into tongues and tender kisses. That time they’d somehow ended up in an argument about aubergines in the middle of lovemaking: Rilienus scowling up at him with sweat sticking his tender curls to his brow and Dorian’s pleasure still caught on his lip. 

Rilienus wasn’t scowling now, though he was sweating, grinding, trying to swallow Dorian whole in every conceivable manner.

He loved this. Dorian hadn’t entirely believed Rilienus a few short weeks ago, when he said as much, but now he knew. Now he remembered. Visceral and invigorating and alive. He felt so alive, he nearly wept, kissing Rilienus each time he felt the stinging return. 

Loved. Loved. Loved in a way he never thought was possible, was meant for him.

He felt it now, his lover’s body pliant and stretching around him.

“Intima mea,” Dorian breathed, drawing him closer. “Philomela mea. Maritus meus.”

“Yours,” Rilienus panted between kisses, holding him tightly inside and out. “Yours, my dawn light, my sunrise, my Dorian-“ He dripped. Melted. Resolve and melted anew, brow pressed to Dorian’s, limbs tangled. “Always. Always. Maritus meus.”

“Gods, that phrase on your tongue,” Dorian hummed, stroking Rilienus steadily in between where their bodies pressed. “It makes me want to hold you until the stars wink out and do… oh, the very most deviant things to you at the same time.”

“I have missed you,” Rilienus kissed the words to his jaw, licking his earlobe. “I have missed your hands and your skin and your tongue and your brilliant, devious mind. My whole beating heart. Rise and beat inside of me again.”

“I will,” Dorian promised, heat pooling in his belly. “My heart is yours, as am I.” 

“Yours and mine. Mine and yours.” Rilienus’ breath hitched; his body shuddered as Dorian squeezed him, thrust deeper- “Stay, stay, stay-“

“I’m with you,” Dorian agreed, Rilienus’ ricocheting pleasure threatening to send him over the edge. “I’ll always be with you.”

Rilienus kissed him then, again and again, moans sliding into each taste like wine, like sweat, like apricot juice on rooftops and cherries straight from the branches and lyrium by the thimbleful, like the way Rilienus had tasted under fireworks and mana worms the nights they’d run rampant through Minrathous and Dorian had told him he loved him for the first time. The taste of those words. The taste of him. 

Light bloomed like a sunrise, like an illumination spell, crystallized and refractory, sending colors cascading every which way over their skin as they crested one after the other. The sound of thunder and sighs and the warm, wet slap of skin. Rilienus’ beautiful green eyes rolled back in his head as he spasmed and collapsed on Dorian’s chest, breathless, gasping, slippery and sated. 

The wall became the floor, became the soft, silk sheets of the bed, and they were lying together, tangled and grinning, when they awoke to a summer sun, streaming in through sheer curtains.

“I’ve missed you,” Dorian mumbled against his forehead, the evidence of their metaphysical tumble gone, save for the sheen of sweat on their skin. “I didn’t know how much I’d lost.”

Rilienus met his gaze, his eyes damp with unshed tears. “You never lost me. Only misplaced.” He glanced between Dorian’s eyes, blinking back the evidence of his emotions. “You’re… Are you okay?”

“I will be. I am.” Dorian kissed his chin. “I’m here, finding myself again, because of you. You. I’m not certain there are enough words to share how grateful I am. I’d like to spend the rest of my life showing you, though, if you’ll have me.”

“I’ve already said that I would. We just need to reschedule the Chantry.” 

He ran his fingers over Dorian’s brow. “…Dorian. I’m going to go to Qarinus. In a few days, but… I’m going to go.”

“No. I don’t want you going there.”

“I know you wouldn’t want- I need to see the room… I need to.” There was a flicker of something dark and livid inside of his eyes before he blinked it away. “I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t leave you. But you’ll be safe here; you and Felix can figure out the rescheduling and the priest. I’ll be back before you know it.” Rilienus touched his chin. “I'll go during the week, while the manor is empty. I’ll be fine. I promise. No one will know I was ever there. But if there’s a clue to how to unwind this mess from you, it will be there.”

“If he finds you, he will kill you.” Dorian took his hand, holding it to his chest. “I don’t want you to go alone.”

“I-“ Rilienus sighed deeply. “Alright. I’ll bring… someone. I’ll think.” 

“I want to go with you,” Dorian said softly. “I want to make sure you’re safe.”

He brought Dorian’s fingers to his lips. “We’ll think. And plan. But, darling, I am going to break you free of this come Void or Deep.”

“I know you will.” Dorian traced the curve of his Cupid’s bow with his thumb. “I fear he may have laid a trap for you, particularly since I’ve been missing for weeks now.”

“Dorian,” Rilienus chided softly. “I am sure he’s laid a number. The difference is- I’ve never trusted that man as far as I can spit.” He kissed Dorian’s thumb, watching him. “We needn’t worry about it just yet. I won’t fly off in the night. I only want you to have time to prepare.”

Dorian took off the amulet he’d worn since birth, offering it to Rilienus. “To help with the wards.”

“Please. Your father’s wards are good, but they’re not that good. The Archon had me reinforce them for him at the Senate. I know how he thinks.” Rilienus kissed his chin. “I’ll be fine.”

“Even so.” Dorian traced the golden serpents, frowning. “You can return it for me, then. I believe… when we finally get around to visiting a chantry- I’d like to take your name, if you’re willing to share it.”

His lover gazed at him, solemn and quiet, gears turning behind his eyes for a long moment before he inclined his head. “If that’s what you want, of course.”

“My own surname has brought me nothing but misery.” Dorian cupped his cheek. “Yours, though- Yours is full of life.”

“It isn’t your name that’s hurt you. It isn’t mine that’s healed you. It’s people.” Rilienus laced their fingers together, holding Dorian’s hand in place. “They’ve failed you. They’ve-“ He cut himself off, grimacing. “This isn’t helping you. You don��t need me to tell you what I think of them.”

“I don’t,” Dorian agreed, squeezing his hand. “I still would take your name.”

“You would honor me. You would honor us all.” Rilienus kissed him warmly, leaning so that he could press the lines of their bodies tight together. “Let’s wait to make lasting decisions until you’ve all your memories firmly back in place. There are… There are a lot of things we need to discuss. Later.”

“You’re saying you don’t wish to plan out the courses of our lives in this bed tonight?” Dorian chuckled, nudging his nose. “Suit yourself.”

“I-“ He offered a slight attempt at a smile before he closed his eyes, holding Dorian close. “I’ll leave the planning to you. I trust you.”

“And I, you.” Dorian sighed, smoothing curls back from Rilienus’ brows. “We’ll make them together when you return.”

“A hundred thousand plans,” he agreed quietly. 

“I look forward to it,” Dorian murmured, closing his eyes and enjoying the simple act of being, here, now, where they were both safe.

[heartlites]

i had a dream where a mushroom grew under my skin, i did a tarot reading, my inner self is collapsing, and the therapist ive been seeing for approaching a decade is looking to retire from public facing/work with clients in the next one to two years.

back to using my blog as a little bit of a dairy these days, i suppose

there's just so much on my mind. im aching from the inside out, like i need to throw up to get all the grief out of my body.

in the last week, i had a dream that felt poignant. ive been dreaming kind of vividly the last couple weeks, things that have stress bleeding into them. normal dreams turning into what i do for my job, benign things becoming mild forms of body horror.

the dream in particular im referring to was one where i felt like i had a kind of sore on my left armpit. i went to 'pop it,' like perhaps it was an ingrown hair or simple black head. as it came out, the mass slowly got thicker and larger, a milky white and genuinely gross. i was shocked and appalled something so seemingly large came from such a small place, just a pore in my skin, and slowly rolled it between my fingers in bewilderment. as i did, parts of the white cylindrical shaped mess that came from underneath my skin started to unfurl and i began to recognize the the unfurling cap of a mushroom and eventually the gills underneath the cap. as soon as i recognized that, i immediately felt insanely ill inside my own body and like i was rotting from the inside out. i woke up not long after that with the need to tear my skin off my own body. the dream sat with me for a long time with its vividness and how grotesque it made me feel inside my own body.

that weekend, i did a tarot reading. five cards. it began with a major arcana, strength, upright. a strong beginning and one that gave me comfort; strength is a tarot card im very partial to in general because its depiction is one of gentle, inner strength and wisdom. i felt assured- but then the reading from there got more and more complex.

ace of coins, upright; seven of cups, upright; seven of swords, upright; six of swords, reversed. the cards all feel very connected given the bridge of sevens, and the next link being sword into sword. there are parts of the reading that confuse me still, but ultimately i think it meant that inner change is coming, or trying to happen, but im fighting it and it wont be easy.

monday came. a woman screamed at me over the phone at work. i spent the day so overwhelmed with grief, emotion, and distress my eyes were puffy and burning from crying. my nose was sore. my throat hurt. all i could think was i needed help. i needed help. i needed help more than twice a month. i wanted to admit myself to a psych ward.

before all of this, i saw my therapist last week. we talked. i usually lead the conversation a lot and i end up just rambling, sometimes crying. usually crying. i've been seeing my therapist for so long that i know a little about her life, too. i mentioned that i think i wanted help with someone for my thoughts and feelings wrt my gender and gender expression. its not really her area of expertise (hers is grief and trauma). we talked a little more and we discussed a little about how she is considering retiring from the public work of working with clients. she'll still run her business, but probably won't take clients.

its not a change that scares me too much, but it is a little nerve-wracking. ive been seeing her for so long, since i was about 19 or 20. my dad was the one who sought out help to help me find her. i havent had to search for a therapist entirely on my own. its hard to know where and who i want to try to search for cause i do have this background need of wanting help with my queerness and id love to have a queer therapist, but in general, i am plagued constantly by grief, trauma, and loss. idk how to find someone who does both. im worried. im scared.

my life feels so out of my control. i feel so isolated from everything, everyone. lost in my own head. i just ache ache ache. i dont know what to do with myself. all i can think is that i need help, i need help, i need help and i dont know what to do to get it, who to go to, how to get it. ive been going through the throes of ptsd episodes the last few weeks, maybe month.

this doesnt even dig into my concerns and worries about my physical health, too. ive had pretty normal menstrual cycles my entire life minus one point in time where i didnt have a period for several months, i believe due to stress. the beginning of this year, though, i didn't have my period for a while too and then i started having light bleeding that went on for around two weeks. then, all of a sudden, this week, ive had the heaviest period ive ever had in my life.

my mom had the same issues around my age. i think its probably ovarian cysts which are ultimately pretty common and not terrible to deal with. my mom had them too- but then she later had cervical cancer. i have to finally give in and have an exam done for my health, but my god am i scared. i dont want to. i really dont want to. i know im going to have a ptsd meltdown when i do. i know. and i dont know how well i can manage having these ptsd episodes where part of them are due to emotional and psychological trauma, and then more episodes rooted in my sexual traumas. idk what im going to do. im so scared and i feel so alone facing all this on my own. i dont know who to turn to or talk to.

im so tired and broken. thats all i can think. i need help. im breaking, im breaking, im broken.

[neonacity]

ARCANE : INIZIO | CH.7 | NCT DREAM X READER

Summary: When human deviants granted with the abilities of the legendary Arcana cards find themselves racing against devious forces, they are left to make a choice that might change the fate of the world itself: be the victims of the game, or become the masters of it themselves.

But will this war end with a crowned hero?

Or will it just create another mad villain?

*****

Note: This is the second book of Arcane. The happenings in this story is a prequel to the first installment which you can check in my Masterlist. Since the lore is highly dependent on the first book, I highly suggest you check it out first—otherwise, new readers might have a hard time understanding what is happening here. Expect lots of time jumps and flashbacks throughout the chapters.

Pairings: Dream 00’ Line + Mark x Reader

Trigger Warnings/Themes: romance, violence, torture, trauma, poly dynamics, suggestive themes, language, psychological, mystery, sci-fi. The concept of the tarot or Arcana cards will be loosely used throughout the series. Note that I am not a trained doctor so there may be some slips here and there about medical things. Again, this is a work of fiction and I am not implying any likeness between the characterization here of the boys to their real life counterparts. I also reserve the rights to all my work—I do not post anywhere else other than tumblr. Minors DNI. Please do not repost. I only publish my works in Tumblr.

© neonacity, 2022

Chapter Song: Before the Dawn | Evanescence

Previously > CH. 1 | CH.2 | CH.3 | CH.4 | CH.5 | CH.6

The soft, soulful notes of the grand piano teased the edges of your consciousness like the whisper of a lover. 

You have no idea what time it is when you managed to open your eyes, but the first thing that registered to you as you stirred from your sleep were the beams of moonlight that pierced the darkness of your room. It took you a couple of quiet seconds to prop yourself up from your bed, eyes drifting towards the direction of the music as you tried to gather your bearings. Beside you, the glowing handle of the clock on your desk struck 2AM.

The cold feel of the floor seeped into your skin when you pulled the blankets off of you and finally swung your legs over the side of the bed. The hymn floating in between the cracks of your door was beautiful, but there was something about the way the notes danced around each other that made the deepest parts of your chest throb dully. For some reason, it stirred great sadness in you, so you didn't give it a second thought to pull on your night robe and step out into the hallway to find its source. You know exactly where to go… And in a way, who you will find at the end of it.

His back was on you the moment you stepped into the room. It was dark, with only the light of the moon peeking from the high window providing illumination to the almost empty space. It was enough for you, however, to make out his strong back contrasted by the graceful features of his profile. His lean fingers continued dancing across the piano keys and you decided to stop just on the edge of the hallway to watch him from a distance.

"Aren't you cold?"

You weren't surprised at all when he addressed you, his low voice braiding through the notes of the hymn he was playing. He still hasn't looked at you, but you still gave a slight shake of your head in answer.

"That's a very beautiful piece you are playing."

"Did I wake you up?"

"You did. And I think you did it intentionally, too."

The way the corner of his lips slightly curved into a small smile made you tighten your fingers around yourself. You wanted to reach out to him, touch his face, and pull him over to you all at once. You might as well have screamed your thoughts out loud because Mark finally turned to look at you, his gaze gentle and open.

"Come here?"

Your first instinct was to keep your ground, but the side of you that wanted him close got the best of you in a heartbeat. Stepping away from the shadows, you went straight to him, his arms already opening for you before you even settled beside him. You melted into his embrace, fingers treading through his hair as he pressed his nose against the crook of your neck. You frowned and closed your eyes at the contact, the heavy feeling that you didn't even know you've been lugging around for the past couple of days leaving your chest like smoke. 

"Don't do that to me again. I thought you left me," you half whispered to keep your voice steady. You felt him sigh against your skin.

"I'm sorry… I needed some time alone."

"Do you hate me?"

Mark shook his head before letting you go just enough so he could see your face. You didn't even realize the tears brimming in your eyes until he reached out to catch them before they fell with his rough fingers.

"I could never hate you."

"But I…"

His smile fell a little as he gave a slight laugh.

"I admit the rejection hurt. I needed time to compose myself again. I wasn't really at my best when we talked so I had to distance myself a little."

"Mark, I'm sorry…"

The way his gaze probed your face now made a twisting tightness bloom in your chest again. It was the same way he had always looked at you, but now with a shade of honesty that he never had before. 

"You shouldn't. You made me realize something after all."

Your throat felt tight, but you managed to speak.

"What?"

"That you love me. And that the way you also love the others doesn’t change that."

Your heart squeezed in your chest.  You wanted to answer him, give him confirmation, but the way he looked at you told you that he didn’t need any of that assurance anymore. Instead, you leaned your cheek against the hand he raised to cup your face, eyes never leaving his. When he smiled at you again, you knew right then and there that the two of you will no longer be able to go back from all the pretending that provided you safety before. This was a man who had stopped himself from holding back because for the first time, he was finally standing in the same spot you’ve always been at. 

For once, none of you are afraid.

“Are you back for real this time? I asked the others and they said you were gone for days. Nobody knew where you went.”

A look of recall quickly crossed his features at your question. He almost seemed a bit guilty, but you knew there was more to it than he was letting on. You could feel dread at the back of your throat, but waited for him to take his time to answer.

“I didn’t really leave because of our conversation. There was something I was trying to figure out.”

“What?”

“Who the traitor is behind all of this.”

You paused. Mark's gaze never wavered from yours and you could see the clear frustration from the set of his brows.

“Did you find out anything?”

“Not much. I could have done it easier with the help of my father but I—” he stopped, a hard look flashing in his eyes momentarily. “I know he is supportive of the Headmaster’s decision for all of us to go into hiding. He wouldn’t help me even if I beg him to. I was able to get access to some reports of the investigation that our family have been doing though. Whoever is coming after us must come from an advanced technology corporation. They—”

“It’s Cypher Institute, isn’t it?”

Mark froze in his seat, his gaze one of surprise before it morphed into confusion.

“How did you know that?”

“Jaemin and I snooped around in my father’s office while he was gone and someone called him about it. It was a coincidence. Was it the same Institute that you were able to confirm from your father’s side?”

The way Mark’s expression changed in just a matter of seconds slowly made an uncomfortable feeling bloom in your gut. It was what he said next, however, that really threw you off.

“My father is not aware about Cypher Institute.”

You frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“He had leads but none of the files I cross-checked had any mention of Cypher. And I looked at everything, I am sure of it. Whoever gave that information to your father is not from our family.”

The silence that wrapped the two of you was brief but heavy with meaning. There were so many questions that came to mind but it was Mark who managed to voice out the most pressing thing you couldn’t bring yourself to say.

“Do you know any other family that your father could be working with?”

You shook your head slightly.

“He does work with everyone. The Kim’s are one when he asked Mijeong to watch over me while I was in university, and I’m sure he also had agreements with the families of the other Masters. I’ve always thought that he shares a lot of his plans to your father though… Especially anything related to this threat. It was the Lee's who saved him from the latest ambush after all. It wouldn’t make sense for him to ask another family to look into things over your father…”

It took a while for Mark to finally say something as he processed that. Your throat felt dry, and you could almost feel your hand locked with his slowly grow cold.

“It would make sense. If he doesn’t fully trust my father.”

His words hung thick in the air. You didn’t know what to say, especially with him saying what you couldn’t put into words. There was something about Junho Lee that has always bothered you, but he is also Mark’s family and for that, you still provided the man a level of respect even from a distance. Still, you knew that one of your father’s reasons for trusting him stands on shaky ground—you just didn’t expect for the distrust to run this deep.

“Do you think… He can do that?”

Mark’s jaw tightened at the question. You could see the fight going inside of him so clearly that you almost felt bad for asking.

“He's a very ambitious man. I was still very young when I lost my mom, but I remember enough to know that he was never really the same after what happened. Still, he is the only other family that I have and…”

“And it is absolutely alright if you want to believe in him,” you gently interjected by giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Mark pursed his lips and he shifted his gaze away from you, his expression torn and pained.

Just like you, Mark’s life was greatly affected by what happened in the past. Fate dealt him bad cards, and for that you can’t really blame him for wanting to stand up for things he wants to believe in. You would do the same if you were in his place; choose to stand by your father before anything and anyone else. 

It took a moment before he finally seemed to break from his thoughts. Gaze following him, he reached out for something in his pocket before finally offering his open palm to you. It was dark so it took you a moment to realize what you were looking at, but your lips were soon enough parting wordlessly as he moved to open the small blue velvet box he was holding carefully. 

Lying nestled in black satin, catching the light of the moon, was a deep blue diamond ring framed with smaller clear gems on its sides. It looked ornate but well-loved, like a star that had fallen in the middle of a dark night. Your eyes widened as you stared at it, Mark’s silence in contrast to the sudden loud beating of your heart.

“What…”

“It’s my mother’s wedding ring. My father gave it to me when he told me about his plan of us getting married.”

“Mark… I…”

Your voice sounded so full of guilt, but he gently cut you off by pressing the box against your palm.

“Relax, I am not proposing to you,” he said in a tone that made you pause. “I told you that I understand where you stand now. I am not going to force you to do anything that you’re not comfortable with.”

You swallowed, but let him continue. 

“But we can’t deny how dangerous it is right now. There is a traitor in our family and it could be anyone, including my father. I won’t blame you if you can’t find it in you to trust us right now, but my family can give you protection, regardless of who is the person who betrayed us. Even if it was him, I think he will spare you if we make him believe that you’re engaged to me.”

“What makes you think he will make an exception for me, Mark? If it really was him, and he was willing to sell the rest of the Masters, then he can betray anyone.”

“No. Not you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

The way you paused gave Mark the chance to really look at you, his eyes roaming your face. You were at a loss for words, and he used that as his window to continue with a gentle voice that made your chest hurt.

“My father can be ambitious and cruel, I admit that, but he knows how to honor love when he sees it. He was hit hard when he lost my mom, but I don’t think he is going to punish you and me for what happened. He will also gain nothing if he hurts you over us being engaged and making our bloodline stronger.” 

“I hate to say this, but it’s the reality we’re living in right now,” he continued. “I can protect you if you choose to continue your life as a Master. It’s that or you move away and cut off all connections with us. Follow what your father has always wanted for you and live like a normal human.”

You slowly shook your head as the weight of his words fully sunk in. You’ve always known this… Everything Mark is saying right now have always been the choices given to you. Not once have you accepted them though, especially with your only other option being to exile yourself from the Family and never see any of them for the rest of your life again.

“So are you saying that we should… tell everyone that we will get married?”

Mark’s gaze dropped before he gave a slight nod.

“Yes. At least while we haven’t figured out who the real traitor is. If they see that we’re both onboard, I don’t think they’ll rush us to it. We can buy ourselves some time.”

You were quiet. Your eyes found the ring again, a testament to a different promise made years ago. After a moment, Mark reached over and closed the box before guiding your fingers to close around it.

“You don’t need to give me an answer right now, but I want you to keep it. Even if we won’t get married, you’re the only woman who I want to have it.”

Your thumb ran over the soft plush of the velvet cover. A few seconds passed before you felt him gently hold your chin to guide you to look at him again.

“I’ll do anything and everything just so we could get to the bottom of this. Whatever happens though, I want you to know…”

“That I will never ever betray you. My life is yours.”

Time seemed to have stopped, the same way your heart did. He looked at you with nothing but bare honesty laid out and you received it, unafraid this time. A cloud shifted outside, and the next moment, you two met in the middle, lips soft against each other. It was a simple kiss, but one that you knew was long overdue. When you pulled away, you whispered softly against him, only loud enough for him to hear.

“I know. I believe you.”

******* “Come in.”

You have barely raised your hand to knock when your father’s clear voice sounded from the inside of his office. The antic would have been amusing if this were any normal day, but instead you found yourself slightly hesitating before finally pushing the door open. He wasn’t looking at you when you stepped into his room, his gaze set instead on reviewing a stack of documents laid out across his table.

“Are you busy?”

It was a rhetorical question at this point, but still, the man’s lips twitched into a small smile as he finally looked at you from over the rim of his wired glasses. He looked unhurt, but the dark shadows under his eyes betrayed how his last couple of days have been.

“Even if I am, I will always have time for you, Princess.”

You didn’t want to immediately soften after that, but you couldn’t help the way your eyes shifted sideways as a reaction. Your father, of course, noticed, and chuckled as a response.

“So? Is there anything wrong?”

Your shoulders slumped a little before you answered. To be honest, you didn’t really plan for anything when you decided to see him today. All you know is that you’re glad to see him again after he had been in and out of the Academy for the past few days, especially since you haven’t really talked after your argument. The way his eyes sparkled behind his glasses now made you think that he already has an idea why you’re here, but the man kept his silence to give you the room to open it up yourself.

“I wanted to apologize… For some of the things I have said last time.”

“Apology accepted. I want to do the same, since I have realized why my decision warranted that kind of reaction.”

Immediately, it felt like a part of the heaviness in your chest lifted. You remained standing in your spot though, your gaze open as you searched his face.

“Did you change your mind? About me and Mark?”

A pause.

“No, my dear. My stand remains the same. And you?”

You didn’t hesitate to answer.

“No… I am still against it.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything else to counter you. Your father can be as headstrong as he is, but he also knows how to draw boundaries, at least temporarily. What you said next, however, is something he definitely did not expect.

“Mark and I talked though,” you added as you tried your best to work through the lump in your throat. Ever since that night with him, you’ve sat with your thoughts to consider every angle of the situation. You still don’t have a decision, but it would be unfair to lie to your father about what has happened since.

“We… still do not have an answer right now. But we are considering things.”

It was quite hard to gauge whether he was relieved about it or not, but he gave you a slight smile after his pause of silence.

“That’s enough for me. Thank you, darling. Now, do you want to sit? I know you came here to tell me more than just that. At least try to relax a little.”

You hesitated only for a little bit before finally giving in and settling on the chair across his desk. Now that you’re closer, you could better see the lines on his face, proof that the last few days haven’t been easy on him.

“I found out who was after us. I heard it from a call… While you were gone.”

“I know.”

You shot him a guilty look.

“Are you mad?”

The question made him laugh. “Honey, I would be even more surprised if you didn’t snoop around to find out things on your own. Let me guess, did Mark come with you?”

“No. Jaemin did.”

“Mm. As expected from Mr. Na. That young man's loyalty to you is fiercer than his strongest fear.”

“Why is Cypher after us, Papa?”

You didn't know if he was taken aback by your straightforwardness or not, but the moment you asked, a shadow of emotion you couldn’t quite understand flitted over his features. It was fast, but it was enough for you to understand that he knows something more than he is letting on. At first you thought he would avoid the question, but then the light in his eyes shifted again, almost as if he was looking inward to himself.

"It's human nature to crave power. Cypher, unfortunately, is one of those willing to meddle with it."

"Do you have any idea what it is that they want from us? Even with what they have, it is impossible for them to tap into the abilities of the Arcana. Manmade resources have no chance against us."

The pause from him was loaded. The man leaned on his desk now, shoulders slightly slouched as he took off his glasses and pressed the bridge of his nose. You almost wanted to reach out to him, but he seemed on the verge of breaking at the slightest touch. A flash of uninvited memory took over you, and it was then you realized that you've seen him like this before. Once, a long time ago when you were younger…

Back when your mother died.

"I wish I knew. It's hard to go against an enemy without understanding how they could possibly hurt you, but I am sure of one thing. They're dangerous. If there's something even more powerful than greed, it's hatred, and  Cypher… has both towards us. Whatever happens, we can't let them get to us. To any of you."

His words slowly sank like dull blades into your skin. There was something lurking behind his statements, a confession hidden in plain sight. You hated how you're piecing things together slowly, how you're realizing that there is possibly more to this than just going against an enemy.

"What do you mean about them hating us?" You asked softly now, your eyes set on him. Your father's gaze hardened as he continued staring at a spot in front of him. His silence was enough of an answer that you need.

"You… know these people. You know why they are doing this," you continued slowly. Your words seemed to have struck something in him, a look of pain overtaking him for a solid second before he finally reached for your hand.

“When the time comes, you will understand.”

“No, I don’t think I will. Why won’t you tell me everything?! I can help. You don’t have to carry this on your own.”

“Darling, you don’t understand. They are not like anything we have faced before. I’m doing this to protect all of you.”

You were quiet as your mind ran a million different things at the same time. You could see the cracks in him, the dawning realization shaking your core in a silent, terrifying way. There are a lot of moments in your life when you don't agree with your father, but you love the man, and he has always been the epitome of someone you can rely on ever since you were young. It doesn't matter how big the problem is, he will always come swooping down to save the day. As you look at him now across from you, shadows and light bouncing off his tired face, you felt your heart break as you realized one thing. He is afraid just as you are. Unlike you though, there was an air of resignation in him, as if he already knew the fate waiting for him.

“Then why… does it feel like you are saying goodbye.”

The way that he looked at you made something in you break. You shook your head slowly, and he cupped your face with his hand to keep yourself from trembling.

“You will understand it soon. For now, all I wish is for you to trust me. I know it might be too much to ask, but I hope you can give me this.”

You were terrified. In that moment, you felt like a little girl again, afraid to lose the only family that you have.

“Only if you promise me one thing.”

“What is it?”

“You will not die.”

He paused for a bit before finally giving you a small smile.

“You have my word.”

You weren’t entirely convinced, but you took it, at least for now. Your father may not be perfect, but as much as he is flawed, he had always tried his best to never break his promises to you. You nodded now, your eyes falling to the piles of papers in his desk.

“What are we going to do now, Papa?”

His hand on your face lowered and your gaze landed on his ring as it caught light from the lamp on his desk. It was an ornate piece made with what looked like bronze, the simple band carved with intricate-looping patterns that are reminiscent of snowflakes. It was the only piece of jewelry that he had worn for as long as you could remember, on top of his wedding band that he never took off despite the death of your mother. For some reason, the ring looked different now as it shone against his skin. It looked regal in your father’s hand, yet at the same time... lonely.

When he spoke again, his voice was melancholy.

“When the time comes, you will know exactly what you have to do.”

******* “You know the view of the sunset looks best on the other side of the rooftop, right?”

Your head only slightly turned towards the sound of the voice that broke through your thoughts. Shrugging a little to yourself, you turned your gaze once more to the burning sky, eyes not really seeing the deepening colors there. You have no idea how long you’ve been sitting in the cold, but the freezing chill clinging to your skin gave you an idea of the hours you’ve lost track of. 

“I know. I didn’t really come here for the view though.”

Soft footfalls started moving towards you in answer. The next thing you felt was the warmth of a cardigan going over your shoulders as your visitor dropped to the spot next to you.

“That makes one of us. I do like the view here. Can I join?”

You raised a brow but grabbed the edges of the jacket to wrap the material tighter around you. “You’re already here. Will you leave if I ask you to?”

“Nope~”

The way you could almost hear his smirk in his voice couldn’t stop you from smiling a little. You gave a light-hearted sigh before finally turning to look at him.

“Why are you here, Haechan? Shouldn’t you be resting in your dorm? You just finished training with the others, right?”

“When I can finally have some alone time with you? You do realize how hard it is for some of us to get your time, right? Either you’re sulking on your own or you’re being hogged by my cousins—”

He wasn’t able to finish what he wanted to say as you raised your hand and knocked your fist on top of his head. Haechan jokingly flinched and massaged the spot you just hit, a smirk on his face.

“Did you just come here to harass me?”

“Did I lie? All I’m saying noona is that I’m a Lee too. What does Mark and Jeno have that I don’t have?”

You looked at him dead-panned before giving an answer.

“Height.”

The way his face dropped made your lips twitch. It was taking you everything not to dissolve into laughter with how hard he scowled at you.

“Okay, Princess, listen here. Mark-hyung is literally a centimeter taller than me. Don’t be mean.”

That was the last that you could take. Unable to help it, you finally gave in, your laughter bursting as you curled in on yourself to keep yourself from snorting. You could almost feel his frown deepening without even looking at him, the awareness of it only making you wheeze harder.

"I do know what I can do that those two dorks can't though," you heard him say quietly after he let you have your moment. When you finally gathered yourself again—cheeks pink from the cold and the laughing fit—he was looking at you softly. The sunset was kissing his skin, making him look as if he was glowing. The corners of his lips lifted as he angled his face a little to the side to watch you.

"I'm the only one who can make you laugh like that."

The way your heart jumped made you immediately forget what you thought was funny just seconds ago. Your relationship with Haechan has always been different… Mark is loyal, Jeno is secretive, Renjun is subtle, and Jaemin is passionate. Haechan has always been straightforward with what he wants, but unlike the others, his intensity can sometimes be impulsive, like an open flame ready to spark into a larger fire at any moment. It was in his nature—The Magician, as the master of chaos, is the one force in the Arcana that constantly straddles logic and madness, next to The Fool itself. He is designed to want you in a different intensity from how others feel ever since the Arcana chose him as its Master. 

It's because of this that you have always tried to hold back more when it comes to him. And so when he pushes, you pull back, not because you feel any less for him, but because the idea of you two meeting in the middle has always terrified you.

That, and you know that whatever feelings Haechan has for you at the moment might not be his own, but his Arcana craving for yours.

"You make me laugh just as hard as you can make me mad," you admitted finally, allowing your walls to break down just a little in front of him. Something flickered in his eyes though his smile remained.  

"You always run away from me, noona. Why?"

"You already know the answer to that."

"What I know is that you like me just as much as you like the others."

"I do. But do you feel the same about me? Or is it your Arcana telling you that you want me?"

Your question made him stop. You watched as the smile slowly bled from his face, his well-kept mask slipping for a moment. Haechan is a good master of his own emotions, but this time you knew you hit a chord. 

"I can do anything for you. Destroy worlds… and build new ones if you want me to,” he said, his voice serious. 

"I know. But that is not answering my question."

"Then what—"

"Will you feel the same if I am not the IL Matto, Haechan? Will you still like me if I’m just a regular human?"

The way his eyes hardened a little at the very thought of you living a life as a normal mortal admittedly made your heart break a little. You've always known this, of course… but hearing his answer now in his silence did not make it easier. When it seemed like he didn't know what to say next, you took it upon yourself to take his hand gently. He immediately wove his fingers with yours, his hold tight that it felt like he was giving you his reply through it alone. This time, it was you who smiled at him to try and give him comfort.

“I know how much you like me, but I can’t accept those feelings if you’re not even sure yourself that they’re your own. It’s unfair for me to give you an answer and take your free will from you, Haechan... I can’t do that, at least while you still can’t answer that question.” 

He looked so lost and in pain that for a moment, you could see the chubby-cheeked boy who had always ran after you when you were younger. It made you want to pull him in for comfort, but you settled on giving his hand a squeeze instead. 

"Hey. Don’t feel bad about it, okay? It’s fine. I like having you around, just like this. If you want to do anything for me though, then just promise me one thing."

He still seemed torn, but he managed to give an answer anyway.

"What is it?"

"Never stop making me laugh. You're right. You’re the only one who can do it."

******* Kun kept his eyes steady on the flickering flame of the candlelight in front of him. The room was quiet, but there was a different tinge of melancholy that was lingering in the air as the Headmaster sifted quietly through the papers in front of him. The ticking sound of the grandfather's clock in the room was deafening to him, like a death call waiting for its final drop. It was a reprieve when the door finally creaked open, revealing Taeyong on the other side of it. Kun waited for him to join his side, giving the man the liberty to break the suffocating silence.

"We just finished the final round of trainings, Sir. We’re gathering all the data before giving them to you."

"How are the kids?"

"They have improved a lot. They’re not at their full potential yet, but they can definitely control their abilities better now. They will be able to hold a fight… should the need arise."

"They don't have to. They only need to defend themselves,” the man said evenly. “Have you heard word from Doyoung?"

Taeyong paused before giving an answer. 

"Yes. He has confirmed that it is most likely Junho Lee who is working with Cypher."

The man's hand froze ever so slightly as he moved to pick up a paper from his desk. His face was calm, but there was something about the set of his lips that made Kun and Taeyong surreptitiously exchange glances.

"I appreciate you working with the Kim's, Taeyong. He's probably watching me very closely, so I needed you to do the job."

"Do you want us to get rid of him?" Kun's voice was quiet but steady when he asked the burning question. The Headmaster shook his head, his eyes hooded by the shadows from the flickering candle.

"No. Not yet."

Kun's jaw clenched ever so slightly at the answer. His morals tell him to take the man's word with no question—follow him with blind loyalty like he has always done—but he couldn't bring himself to do it now, not when everything seems to be crumbling around him. From the way that Taeyong was holding himself beside him, shoulders stiff and face set, he knows that the other Legacy shares the same stand.

"With all due respect, Sir. I would like to understand why," he finally decided to ask after gathering enough courage to speak again. The man peered at him from behind his glasses, curious, but not seemingly surprised by his question. He didn't know if it was just a trick of the light, but he thought he saw the shadow of a smile on the other's lips before he finally moved to cross his hands together.

"You and Taeyong always had the right to ask. The pair of you just do not give yourselves the full credit you are due."

For a second, Kun felt oddly like a child being gently reprimanded by a parent. Gathering himself again, he decided to press more to get answers.

"We do not understand why you're protecting Junho. He betrayed you. He betrayed all of us."

"I am not protecting him. I am protecting the Family… From him."

The look of silent confusion from him and Taeyong was not lost on the Headmaster. The man, on the other hand, seemed set and collected as always.

"Cypher is already a formidable enemy on their own. They will wage war on us soon, there is no doubt about it. Going after Junho now will only split the Family more—and we are currently at a disadvantage of not knowing who else within our network has decided to side with him. If he finds out that we know, we'll just be pushing ourselves in a corner. The Lee's have resources, and having those used against us is the last thing we need."

"So we will just let him do whatever, then?" Taeyong asked this time.

"No. When the time comes… And you will know when—you will have to take him down. Even his own son should he decide to betray my daughter."

The way the man said that so evenly without batting an eye made Kun and Taeyong's blood run cold. The Headmaster is a kind, rational man that oftentimes, people forget how cunning and ruthless he can be in his own ways.

"For now, I want to keep him alive. After all… He might still become useful in the future."

Both men stared at him, though none decided to speak up this time. Wordlessly, he picked up a thick brown envelope from his table and offered it to the two. Kun and Taeyong looked at each other before the former took it silently from his hands.

"When that time comes, my daughter will be the first person to know what best to do with him," the Headmaster continued as he leaned back on his chair. "Just the same as she will know what to do next once things start to unfold. When the moment calls for it, give her that envelope. It will help her."

Kun's fingers tightened on the edges of the bundle he was holding. There was a heavy feeling that had started to weigh on his stomach, similar to the one he had when the man talked to him first after his quick absence.

"Are you leaving, Sir?"

A shadow of something quickly glossed over the man's expression. It was so brief, but it was enough to give Taeyong and Kun the answer they hoped they wouldn't have to hear ever.

"There are things that only I can do in this fight. So yes… I would have to leave my daughter. For a while," he said, his eyes moving from one young man to the next. Maybe it was the darkness and the shadows dancing in the room, but in that moment, the Headmaster saw in the pair two other young men who stood shoulder to shoulder in this room once, many decades ago, promising their allegiance to the Arcana. The memory made his chest constrict with a mix of emotions—pain… longing… and sadness for what was and what will never be again.

He let the memories linger for a few more seconds before finally giving the two a small smile.

"I know I have already asked for too much from the both of you, but if I can have one last request… I hope you two can put her and the Family's best interests at heart while I am away."

"Consider it my last request as IL Giudizio."

******* Your footsteps echoed softly in the hallways as you made your way back to your room. Tucked loosely by your side are a couple of hardbounds, titles you decided to sneak out of the library in this unholy hour because you were already out of reading material. It's been weeks since most of the student body have been sent back to their homes, leaving Rosewood silent and vacant. Since then, you’ve tried to take comfort in the stillness surrounding you by keeping mostly to yourself and out of everyone's way.

You have already turned the last corner to your room when your phone suddenly vibrated in your jeans pocket. By the time you managed to pull it out and check your messages, you were already at your door, one hand wrapping around the knob while you tried to open the message notification. You have barely caught Mark's name on your screen when a gasp was suddenly torn from you as someone grabbed you by the arm, the motion causing the books you were holding to tumble to the floor. Your eyes grew wide as your back made contact against the wood, your elbow grazing the cold knob of your door as you were pushed against it. Your first thought was that you were being attacked, but a different kind of shock gripped you when you realized what exactly was happening.

You didn't really need to see him to know whose lips were pressed against you the next second. Even in your confusion, your hands automatically gripped the front of his shirt as he held you close to him. He was holding you so tightly that it took you a moment to guide his face back so you could see him better. Dark eyes met yours, hooded by his windswept, messy hair as you searched his face. The warmth of his breath fanned your lips and his fingers only dug deeper on your hip bones as if he was afraid that you will push him away. 

"Jeno, what—"

"I need you. Now."

Four words. That was all it took for you to pause and for your heart to stop in your chest. You held his gaze for a second longer before grabbing his hand the same time he reached out to turn the knob behind you. Wordlessy, you pulled him in, leaving nothing but the sound of your door closing in the empty hallway.

*******

A/N: This took a while because I simply could not put my thoughts into words properly. Enjoy!

Taglist: 

@effulgentfireflies, @kasperneo, @lostlovesoul11, @byunniebaekhyunnie, @smolpeyy, , @dearj43, @bettyschwallocksyee, @babyksworld,   @yongboksfreckles,  @user103843, @lovehowdream, @glitching-wren, @jhornytrash, @coconuttiez8d, @negincho​, @stopeatread​, @ellatizw​, @huangberryyy, @wonyofanclub​,

Untaggable for some reason: @renjunsflower, @coconuttiez8d

[anthropoplexy]

Back to drawing the X-men tarot cards again. This time, the one arcana you don’t want coming up: The Tower. Catastrophe, accidents, danger, and destruction. Dashed dreams, foiled plans, chaos and change? Who better than La Bruja de Escarlata herself. One of the things I wished the marvel writers explored was the Scarlet Witch’s processing of her trauma and her relationship with those she traumatized as well. Her hair here represents her state of mind and the falling figure represents the mutants who she depowered (some in midflight). The sky is blue because catastrophe comes even out of the bluest skies while the black lightning you see isn’t lightning at all but reality cracking and shattering.

[madllamamomma]

To all that it may concern:

Hi. It’s me, ya Mad Llama Momma.

Yes. It’s been a very long time, and I am sorry.

Since the start of this year I have been unfortunately going through, well, a lot. Mentally and physically.

Now that I am where I am today, in January of 2023, I see that I was at an all time low and just didn’t know it. 2022 was a year of me kick staring my healing journey of my mind, body and soul. And let me tell you it has NOT been easy. Between new multiple physicians and even going through two therapist (holistic therapy was kinda a joke for me personally), a liver surgery scare, coming to realized that I had an eating disorder, and stopped drinking because of said liver surgery scare, it has been a fucking exhausting year. (Note: I had a kind of contusion on my liver from some unknown trauma 🤷‍♀️. Yeah, my doctor didn’t even have a clue.)

Turning 30 also was very mind boggling to me, and I literally mourned my 20s for almost half the year and was crying about the fact I wasn’t where I thought I’d be by now.

I wanted to be knee deep in a blossoming career and making the world brighter and better. As last month, I officially quit my job and do not have plan to go back to the medical field at all.

I wanted to be wearing a size 12-14 and somewhat fit. But I’m currently a size 22 and the biggest and most out of shape and unhealthy that I’ve ever been.

I wanted to be a mother by now. But due to my overall health, it just wasn’t in the cards at that point.

I feel like all of our young lives we are told that we are supposed to be in a certain place by a certain age or we are failures, freeloaders, lazy, etc. But I’m coming to terms that this isn’t true and that 20s aren’t the official end of my fun youth nor the end of my life.

This entire year also sparked something in me. Sometimes we need to think hard about where we are at in our lives and evaluate if it was even worth it. Sometimes, things happens and makes us question who we really are and makes us think if we really are truly happy.

I realized I was using the Arcana and my fanfics to heavily disassociate and a way for me to escape our crazy world and in a very unhealthy way. It was great when it was working, but when it wasn’t, all my depression and anxiety came flooding in without any remorse, and I couldn’t even muster myself to write anymore despite having so many ideas.

I am happy to say that I’ve been in regular therapy session, I started ceramics again (where I make a lot of crazy sub par mugs and other functional pottery), my liver is almost all the way healed, I started back to yoga, and I’ve been losing weight safely for my health.

After being restricted all of my young life, I am feeling like I have been able to be my most authentic self than I have ever been and I feel like for the first time in my life, and I am finally thriving. I was afraid of entering my 30s feeling lost and feeling bad that I wasn’t a hot young 20 something year old, but instead I’m entering an era where I am focusing on me. And it feels great. It feels amazing.

I have a lovely husband who is my best friend and soulmate and that loves me and supports me, I have a wonderful set of found family that loves me for me and never ask me to change or to be anyone else other than myself, I feel like I can be creative without being restricted. And it feels great. I’m figuring myself out and I am so happy I am able to do it.

(TL;DR) For all the people out there who feels stuck, who feel like they can’t be themselves, who feel like nothing is ever going to change—please just know, it does get better. People are out there to help you, people who want you to be your best self. Sometimes it takes medication, sometimes it takes lengthy therapy sessions, sometimes it takes putting up boundaries with your family and limited the time you spend with them, and sometimes it takes just you admitting that you need help.

Please don’t give up on your healing journeys even if you family doesn’t support you. Please don’t think you are alone.

Please. Please. Do not give up.

Happy New Years my lovely hungry trash pandas,

❤️

Your Mother Llama.