#transracial adoption is a curse

[tariah23]

I hope that white gay couple who adopted that adorable little black child goes to hell so fast ohhhhh

[swarmkeepers]

a asian diaspora half-orc manifesto including but not limited to

gorgug’s experience as a transracial adoptee goes beyond just “this kid is different from his parents” to one of navigating solace’s still canonically human-centric culture + gnomish culture that digby and wilma have their own estrangement from (see also: cutting ties with most of their family, having few friends outside each other) but that he engages with more by becoming an artificer like his parents + orcish and half-orcish culture which might exist in elmville and which being a barbarian connects him to a little bit but it’s not a hundred percent the same

what becoming better friends with ragh might mean for gorgug, getting to know the barbarian’s barbarian with a half orc mom who still has his own complicated relationship to who he is and what he does. what dating zelda and becoming an honorary eighth maiden might mean for gorgug, getting to know katja cleaver the half-orc who’s not a barbarian, who wields her greataxe with precision and calls herself a battlemaster thank you very much

lydia barkrock commands mordred’s kitchen with one of those giant chinese cleavers (she used to use twin machetes back when she was a barbarian full-time. do not mess with this mom and her blades) that she uses for everything no matter how small + a massive wok. she’s got those asbestos hands and does not fear hot oil or flame or knives of any kind

i just. food as love is such a profoundly asian/asian diaspora sentiment to me (food crosses the language barrier when you can’t say i love you in so many words) and lydia barkrock who enters mordred manor after her house got burned down in a shadowcat murder attempt and immediately starts offering to make dinner? that’s some asian auntie behavior!

that famous chili? actually an absolutely amazing curry, spicy enough to make everyone except ragh and lydia cry. lydia takes one look at the number of kids in mordred manor and immediately undertakes a bunch of projects that require a ton of people like making lumpia or potstickers or stocking the freezer with pho broth in deli containers. (ragh folds dumplings with big gentle hands and years of practice. every other kid in mordred manor curses and makes lumpy ones. gorgug tries his best.)

i say asian diaspora in general but personally i headcanon gorgug as specifically vietnamese (an experience with a complicated relationship to adoption and migration; my own personal experience of what happens when the community is alive and there but when you are a little distanced from your own diaspora; a language i used to know more of than i do now; an experience that in my family is messy with regard to war and anger and grief). 

the dnd language mechanics are a little weird to me and that’s changing with tasha’s but frankly there’s no way/reason for gorgug to know orcish even though that’s a half-orc language proficiency. but he speaks and reads gnomish, and the alphabet is the same but the pronounciation and the words don’t fit right in his head. gorgug looks at words he should know but doesn’t and it makes him feel dumber than he has in a while and he wants to learn but he hates not knowing

gorgug and his imposter syndrome and all the different things he does (sig figs. artificer. barbarian. bloodrush.) and it feels like trying to connect back with this is like being asked to pick again (to pick if he is a barbarian or an artificer; to pick if he is an orc or a thistlespring; to pick if he can be all these things or if he’s still the kid who catches backpacks) 

the thistlesprings making more of an effort to go with gorgug and ragh and lydia to more of the orcish cultural events in elmville when they happen (orctoberfest, anyone?). they wave hi to the cleaver family gorgug eating lydia’s food in mordred and thinking this is like home and it’s not just because most of his party lives there and he’s over every day.

lydia fills the freezer with pho broth; ragh’s shoulders push at the seams of ao gam at new year’s; gorgug takes zelda out for che now that basrar can make things that aren’t ice cream

ragh’s glaive is a yem nguyệt đao, with a dragonflame blade which after fhfy is a reminder to him of how much his junior year changed him for the better. when gorgug gets his new gravity axe it’s one of those super heavy dong son pediform axes, heavy with history but also just with just bronze! 

[panickedshrieking]

As a black person who is transracially adopted who has lived in the suburbs all my life. I have a taste for that good good diet racism. I saw it all over in the Star Wars fandom before I started avoiding it like the plague. Now I see it again in Cursed.

It tastes familiar, like plain soggy cereal and bland chicken.

[canaryatlaw]

sigh, it’s late (it’s always late) and I’m tired, so let’s get this done. shouldn't be too long because I was a bum today and shirked all my responsibilities, again, because I wanted to sleep, and it’s so not good, but oh well. I did eventually wake up at like, 1:50, and actually did the rest of my adoption law reading since there was still quite a bit I needed to get done before class tonight. So I did that until about 4, at which point I got ready and then headed to school. I got there a bit early, and ended up doing some research for a friend in another state who was looking to file an order of protection and needed to know about the process, so I got that info for her (not the first time I’ve researched the subject for someone in another state). Class was somewhat less than entertaining, we were talking about transracial adoption for half of it, and we had to split into groups and argue before or against it, I got in the for it group which was good because for me it’s always gonna come down to if it’s between being with a family of a different race or languishing in the child welfare system and never finding a family, the first option is always gonna be preferable. The second half was about the finer details of the adoption process, and was significantly more boring because of the technical nature of the subject, so I had a bit of trouble paying attention. Thankfully we got out a little after 8, so I headed home and got here just in time to turn on designated survivor, which, man, I love this damn show so much. they continue to just take on heavy subjects and absolutely knock them out of the park every single time, and tonight was no different. Kirkman is a total boss of a president, and proves that week after week. and man, I love Hannah Wells so damn much too. She’s just such a kickass character and she’s so good at getting the job done. and she’s perfectly sassy too, so of course that helps. After that was over, I stayed and watched the news for a little bit because I was waiting on the Yankees game to finish. I don’t get the channels that would play it and couldn’t find a free livestream, so I ended up just following the live updates on Facebook. But I’m happy to announce the yankees with be proceeding to the ALCS to face off with the Astros to win the pennant. The Cubs, unfortunately lost tonight, but I really don’t know what I would do if there was a Cubs/Yankees world series. Like, my primary loyalty will always be to the Yankees, nothing is going to change that, but Chicago feels very strongly about it’s baseball, especially when you have a team that just broke a “curse” and won the world series for the first time in 100+ years only last year. So I fear if that happens I may have to keep my Yankee support on the down low, lol. That’s about it for today. Tomorrow we have the CFLA speed networking event, which we’re hoping goes well. We ended up with a ton of students signed up and not all that many lawyers, which could be an issue, but we’re hoping it’ll work out. I sadly won’t get there until the last half hour (the event runs from 5:30-7:30 and I have class from 5:30-7) but hopefully I’ll get to scope out the end of it at least. Okay, that’s it for now, sleep is calling my name (even though I slept late today, because my body just loves sleep apparently). Goodnight cuties. Have a restful sleep.

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 6

i dont know what to do or why i still care. well i CARE and i get ao FRUSTRATED bc i guess i still love my family? and it hurts like a motherfucker when they dont understand and i want them to but they just keep disappointment me and i just keep getting more and more distant and i low key want to cut them off and start my own life and get myself a new family but who am i kidding im super insecure and dependant and vulnerable i feel like im imprisoned

i really feel like im improsined like my adoption is a curse. everything was taken away from me, not only my mom and my culture and people and belonging and shit like that but...... my mental health?? im sure theres smth wrong in my brain im just too lazy and social anxious and paranoid to let some white therapist diagnose me or smth. my therapy is literally writing these posts cus i dont wanan talk to a white. i feel like ive never been happy in my whole life which is sad cus i obviously was happy before this ”awakening”, back when i was still a oblivious whitewashed kid, repressing my feelings. im glad im not that anymore tho honestly i’d rather let myself commit suicide than like.... stay like that. cus i need a purpose i need to help other adoptees of color, other poor woc, other victims of racism, classism, colonialism and misogyny.

i really am cursed. i will never find peace or understanding. no matter how much i’ll try i’ll never become chinese or asian enough to be a part of them. i’ll always have to live with the disgusting fact that i grew up 100% white. i’ll never be able to decolonize or run away from that, no matter how many languages i’ll learn, no matter if i change my name and even citizenship. i feel like ive been violated. i feel DIRTY!!!! i feel like someone has attacked me, touched me with their dirty white hands and now im too embarassed and sad to face my own people. thats EXACTLY how i feel. i seriously feel like a victim like ive been straight up assualted, thats how disgusting i feel. and i feel like my assualters are everyone around me, including my adoptive parents.

wow no wonder why im always feel so sick all the time and constantly feel like i have to run away and scrub myself clean from them. its feels like im living, imprisoned together with my oppressors, my assaulters

i’m cursed and im embarassed telling poc im adopted cus i know what they think, i know they think im privileged and white and i hate it. i hate non-adoptees so much, i hate adoptees too cus we’re all so fucking whitewashed man i just hate everything

if ppl sleep on racism against (east) asians cus they consider us to be less poc, white-worshippers and racist........... then ppl are literally in coma when it comes to transracial and international adoptees rights. like even the fiercests feminist-lgbt-vegan-socialist-anti ableism-anti ageism woman of color dont know and dont care a shit about us. no ones listening to us, not even other adoptees. and its so frustrating especially since we dont have our first mothers narrative but have to blindly listen to our white adoptive parents and agencies stories. we’re always going to be ”the poor children that needed to be saved”, we’ee always infantilized or mentally ill or ”a tragic case of abusive adoptive parents”

i feel bad for thinking like this cus even i got a rational side thats telling me that i have a good life. people always expect me to have some sick background with abuse or smth and yes, my background is kinda messy but like......... there arw so many other ppl will messy backgrounds and even messier lile its not that big of a deal, irs not only about that

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time,  abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations,  guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this. 

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy