#transphobia does not care about the diversity of women's bodies. it just makes us to feel bad about ourselves

[henshengs]

About Rule 63 fanworks

I was asked yesterday to elaborate on my genderbend opinions, as a trans person, which I’m happy to do, and I’ve thought about it a bit today to make sure I’m not saying something off the cuff and not thought through. Still, this is a sensitive, complicated topic, and I’m open to discussion on it.

This also got long, so I’m putting it under a cut.

So, obviously I can’t speak for all trans people. No minority group is a monolith in our opinions and this is particularly the case for the transgender community because our experiences are so very diverse and individual.

I am very rarely hurt or offended by genderbends/genderswaps/rule 63 fanworks. I know people for whom this is not the case, and I believe the pain involved is very real. The thing is... living in this world is inherently kinda painful when you’re trans. This world’s not built for us. All kinds of random things can cause me pain throughout my day. Store mannequins. My own reflection. Lesbian poetry. Pictures of other trans people. When something triggers my dysphoria or feelings of alienation, I have to stop, acknowledge the feeling, and then consider whether the thing is, outside of hurting me, contributing to the ignorance of and hatred of people like me by its very existence.

I don’t think the basic act of asking, “What if this character who is a cis man, was a cis woman instead?” does that. I think if anything, it opens the door to then ask “what if he was a trans man? Or a trans woman? Or nonbinary?”

Asking “what if this story was about a cis woman” lets cis women talk about their experiences and see themselves in stories, something I think is valuable! and also can lead to stories exploring sexism and misogyny, things which affect all trans people too!

In the rest of this post I’m going to use the terms “rule 63″ and “genderswap” to refer to the act of creating a fanwork changing a cis/presumed cis man to a cis or not-specified-to-be-trans woman, because this is the vast majority of the work under that label, because most fictional heroes and iconic characters are cis men, and because people who create cis man->trans woman or cis woman->trans man content, in my experience, usually use terms like “trans headcanon” instead.

(A lot of rule 63 fanworks don’t explicitly specify that the now-female character is cis. We can presume that most artists aren’t even thinking about the possibility of the character being trans, but we can presume that for 99.99% of all art, anywhere. It’s not a unique evil of rule 63.)

The claims that rule 63 is inherently transphobic, rather than just something where it’s good to be extra careful to avoid transphobia, as far as I’ve seen, use two arguments: A) that making the character a cis woman is wasting an opportunity to make them a trans person, and this is transphobic, and B) that rule 63 fan art is gender essentialist and cissexist, because it ties gender to physical characteristics.

Argument A doesn’t hold up for me, 

because couldn’t one then say that reimagining an abled white cis character as an abled white trans woman is racist and ableist? that reimagining them as an abled trans woman of color is ableist? No transformative reimagining can cover every identity. We say “write what you know” and talk about Own Voices, and that includes cis women who want to write about the experience they know. 

It’s also not fair to tell trans people that we must always think about trans experiences, even in our fiction. A lot of the time we don’t want to have to write or think about dysphoria and discrimination and we want to live in the heads of cis characters or even just characters whose AGAB is not mentioned! 

And it is also, imo, not a great idea to pressure people who may not be educated about trans experiences to write about trans characters just because they want to explore sexism or write about lesbians. 

many, many trans people first begin exploring their gender identity through creating cis rule 63 content, because it’s ‘safer’ than directly engaging with trans content.

With argument B, I agree that a lot of rule 63 art looks like this

and this sucks. To me, though, it’s important that it’s not the genderswap aspect that makes it suck. Artists who do this are also designing original characters with sexist, gender essentialist designs. Artists who don’t draw sexist art in general, also don’t draw sexist rule 63.

(yes, I know She-Hulk is not a rule 63 of regular Hulk. But you guys know the kind of art I’m talking about.)

I’ve also noticed a genre of fanfic that’s like, “if these characters were girls, they’d be sensible and conflict avoidant and none of the plot would happen!” or “what if these violent, tragic male characters were Soft Lesbians who braided each others’ hair” and again, I assume these authors write canonical women the same way. The genderswap part isn’t the bad part, the sexism is. 

Non-sexist rule 63 actually, in my opinion, fights gender essentialism and cissexism. When a character is exactly the same except for the ways a gender essentialist world has shaped and pressured them based on their AGAB, that’s a strong statement on the constructed nature of gender! 

But the argument that making /any/ change is gender essentialist, is... I understand where it’s coming from. I am a trans person who presents androgynously and I am a hypervisible freak because of it. I would love to live in a society where visible gender markers weren’t a thing! Unfortunately, we don’t live in that society. We live in one where we are constantly under pressure to conform to one of two profiles. There are almost no gender non conforming male characters in popular media. And changing a gender conforming cis man into a gender conforming cis woman seems to me to be a neutral action at worst. Not to mention characters from historical canons, who would be under a ton of pressure to conform. 

For physical body type characteristics... 65% of all speaking roles in Hollywood are cis and male. It’s harder to get statistics on other forms of media, but it’s undeniable that overall, most stories are told about cis men who do not have breasts or wide hips. Changing the story to be about a cis woman who has those features is introducing more diversity! 

I typed “rule 63″ and “genderswap” into the tumblr search bar today, and I saw a lot of art of women with a variety of aesthetics and body shapes and characteristics, who looked like people I’d see out at the mall.

Again, I sure do wish we lived in a post gender society. But we don’t, and in our society, everyone, myself included, looks at a picture of a person and gender categorizes them based on appearance. It is not wrong for someone to draw “Geralt the Witcher as a hot butch woman” and give her some physical markers generally agreed upon to denote ‘butch woman’ rather than ‘gender conforming man’ to tell the viewer that that is what they have drawn. Just as it is not wrong to draw “my OC who is a hot butch woman who fights monsters” and give her those markers. 

Finally, both arguments against genderswaps are, in my opinion, flawed because they implicitly posit the act of creating fanworks of the original, cis male gender conforming character design, as neutral. I think this is incorrect. I think that if you’re going to argue that drawing a cis male character as a cis woman is transphobic, you have to also argue that drawing the character as a cis man is transphobic. But I’ve only seen people do this when a trans headcanon becomes extremely popular in a fandom.

Again, I’m just one person. I’m also biased, because firstly, as I mentioned, rule 63 doesn’t usually trigger my dysphoria; secondly, I almost always come down on the side of “don’t limit what people can explore in fiction; ask them to explore it more sensitively or with more content warnings instead.” 

I definitely encourage creators to seek out and listen to a variety of trans opinions. But this is mine: I love rule 63, I make a lot of it myself, and I think if no one created it we’d lose something awesome. 

At the end of the day, what I really want is more trans content*, but I’d rather have cis rule 63 than just stories about cis men. 

Also: I personally have nothing against the terms genderswap or genderbend. I don’t think it reinforces the gender binary to acknowledge its existence by saying you’re ‘swapping’ the character from being cis with one AGAB to being cis with the other. But I can definitely see the argument against it, so I don’t blame anyone for going with rule 63 instead.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading; I hope you have a nice day, and have fun creating and consuming the fanworks your heart desires. I’ll end by linking this comic, which is just eternally relevant.

(*by which I mean: trans content created by other trans people, that matches my hyperspecific headcanons, likes and dislikes, and doesn’t set off any of my often changing dysphoria triggers. See what I said at the start, about transgender existence being constantly mildly painful. There are many awesome aspects to being trans! This is one of the less awesome.)

[gremlin-writes-angst]

The Three Kingdoms

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

TW: Homophobia, internalized homophobia, implied transphobia(very brief), religious trauma

If I missed a trigger or if you spot a spelling mistake, please let me know. Feedback is encouraged.

Click here if you want to see more of my work and follow me for even more!

There was so much going on and yet it wasn't overwhelming, it was almost perfect. There were sounds of people happily chatting, wedding bells, and songs slightly louder played in the distance. The colorful glass from the church window shined on the people in the church. The church was packed for a royal wedding and at the altar, there was prince Kaminari but instead of a beautiful bride opposite him, there was a handsome knight from the enemy kingdom. The priest started the ceremony, the two grooms said their vows and kissed. It was anything less than magical. The priest began to announce the kingdoms’ new rulers.

"Lady's and Gent’s I introduce to you, your new Kings. King Denki Kaminari and King Eijiro Kiris--"

Before the priest finished his announcement the large church doors were opened and the...priest who was previously standing next to the kings, had teleported to the church’s entrance.

" I will not follow the rule of sinners like you" 

Suddenly all the happy wedding goers disappeared and reappeared behind the angry priest, joining him in ridiculing of the two kings

"We will not follow the devil"

"Our prince has been tainted by the devil"

The priest raises his hand and the crowd quiets down, Denki questions the priest

"What are you doing? You were just announcing us as the new kings and know you're over there protesting our marriage? YOU’RE THE MARRIAGE OFFICIANT?"

The priest ignored his King’s questions.

" Denki listen to me, the thing you married is the devil, he used his powers to make you believe you love him, but I know that you could never fall for another man. I can help you, just come to my side and I can exorcise that demon." 

The priest offers his hand out, then the rest of the people behind him do the same.

" Denki, they're lying, you know that they are trying to get in your head. I do love and you love me." 

Kirishima stood closer to Denki, also offering his hand to Denki. Denki looked between the two choices, he looks at the priest’s group, he sees his friends and family inside the crowd, telling him that the love of his life is the devil and he knows that they'll leave him if he stays with Kirishima. Could they be right? Did he love Kirishima, or was it just a trick? He meant every word of what he said in his vows, he spent days on his vows, he wanted to make sure Kirishima knew how much he loved him.  So they were wrong, he did love Kirishima, their love for each other was no trick. But if he chooses Kirishima he’ll lose all his friends, family, and his whole kingdom. Denki stressed over who to choose, the mob became louder and more aggressive while he thought but before he could make a choice, Denki woke up.

A dream? A nightmare? Why was I getting married, to a man, to a knight from the enemy kingdom? Why was I married to Eijiro Kirishima? It was a stupid dream, I would never marry a man, the kingdom was right, Eijiro Kirishima was the devil, the dream must be a warning to avoid the knight in the cellar. It can't be that hard, he’s just in the cellar that's in the basement dungeon, the key to said dungeon door was on the wall and the guard was always asleep. Ok, this was going to be hard, it's just too easy not to visit the Red Riot.

The day goes by quickly, but then night falls and I remember how easy it is to get to the cellar, how my dream is just a dream. How handsome the knight is. How sweet his voice is. How he waits up for me. How he stopped me from hitting my head. Before I knew it I was in front of the dungeon door with the keys in hand, but the thought of losing everything I know stopped me from going down. I silently returned the keys and went back to my room and slept, the dream repeated that night, and yet the pressure to choose felt even more stressful.

It was dusk again, I don’t remember the hours before now, but I was back at the door with the keys. I stand there for a while until eventually, I think

“It was just a dream.” 

So I unlock the door and descend down the stairs. Every step I take makes me more anxious, I repeat to myself that it was just a dream, my friends won’t leave me, I won’t be banished. I mean it doesn’t even make sense, I would never marry a guy, especially that brute in our dungeon, I barely even know him, and it's sinful.

“Then why are you going to see him?”

It’s a question in the back of my mind, and I don’t have an answer. It’s definitely not because he has a smooth husky voice or his muscular body, and it has nothing to do with his caring words that match his action. I am broken from my thoughts when said husky voice speaks

“If you keep walking you’ll end up hitting the wall”

I must have been so caught in thought because he was right, I walked right past him and was about to walk into the wall. I stay facing this wall, I wasn’t ready to face him, I mean I married him twice in my dreams, it is disgusting.

“Thanks, I guess”

“ No problem but are you going to turn around, I mean it’s kind of weird talking to the back of your head, especially when the front is so beautiful.”

I forget about the dream and why I was reluctant to turn around and l whip my body around and march towards his cell while accusing him of my dream.

“It’s your fault, you’re the reason, I’m not the evil one, it’s because you’re the devil. You sit there and you spew compliments at me, another man, from a rivaling kingdom, such words should be said to a woman!”

“ Sorry if I offended you, I was just telling the truth and if it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll stop but I thought it was mutual” “What in the hell gave you that idea”

“uh the lustful gaze you keep giving me”

“Lus-lustful gaze, I do no such thing, and especially not to you”

“So then what was that look on your face when you heard my voice, why did you constantly look at my arms like they were turkey legs”

“ it -it - it was ugggg”

“Because that’s the same look the women give me…which is unfortunate for them because I’ve only ever looked at men with such a gaze.”

“ But that’s sinful, you are tainted, I should leave and never return.”

I walk to the stairwell with the full intent of doing what I just said.

“That won’t stop the feelings you are having”

I turn back around, full of frustration, I reach through the bars and pull the hunk closer to me.

“Then take your stupid spell off, I can-cant be . . . I can’t be like you, I just can’t, you understand right. Even as the devil you have to understand what this will do to me, I don’t deserve that, I don’t want god to hate me or my family or friends. I deserve to love who I want without feeling like the worst human in existence!”

I pause and quickly whip the tears off my face. I look up at the knight, his face is full of sorrow, he looks sad . . . for me. I let go and fall to my knees, replay what I said, I try to find justification for it, I think of the dream. I was happy, I was loved and I was loving someone else. What if I am like the knight? The knight leans down

“ I can’t say I understand the mental fight that’s happening in your brain because I came from a palace where this wasn’t something I need to worry about but listen.”

The knight’s hand slowly reaches for my chin, his hands are calloused like most knights, yet his hands are still comfortable and somehow soft. I let him lift my chin up so I’m looking into his eyes, there like rubies, or sapphires

“Or like the pits of hell”

I ignore the thought and continue to stare into the knight’s eyes as he tries to comfort me.

“ The person you love isn’t a choice, it’s fate, and if God hates you for what you can’t control, then he isn’t manly nor does he deserve such a title. Hate is a choice, love isn’t.”

I get lost in his eyes for a little bit, but when I realize it I turn away, a little more aggressively than I wanted to. I move away and take a seat on the bench that is meant for the guards, I don’t want to leave but I can’t find it in me to talk, even though I hate the silence. I sit there staring at the ground feeling awkward, the knight must have felt the same way about silence because he started talking.

“ um back at my kingdom, the Toyomitsu kingdom, there real accepting of such things, like I’m our queen was born a prince”

I’ve heard of a man loving a man or woman loving a woman but this wasn’t something I had heard of. With my eyes still planted to the ground, I asked.

“ What does that mean?”

I could hear shifting from the cell but I refused to lookup 

“Oh uh sorry, I forget that our kingdom is more progressive and more diverse. So basically our queen was born like us, she had our body parts, but she wasn’t.”

“I still don’t understand”

“Ugg this is hard, so she felt like her brain and body weren’t the same, like her brain said, ‘Your a girl’ but her body parts were male parts.”

“So she is a girl but had a body similar to ours”

“ Yeah exactly, but she’s better at explaining it because, well she lives through it.”

“ So she’s your queen, what about children, whos going to take over the throne”

“ Oh her and the king have a kid, he’s just adopted but he’s still their son and still the rightful prince, he's gonna be a great king. Oh, anyways I was gonna say that our kingdom is really accepting and if you need they’ll probably let you in if you ever wanted to leave here.”

In shock, I lift my head for the first time since I sat on this bench

“Even though I'm the prince of the rival kingdom?”

“ We don’t care that much about this rivalry. So yeah you would be fine”

“ If they don’t care why are you here?”

“ Well because our kingdom is so diverse and recently outside kingdoms have discovered that the queen is trans, which is the term for that situation, by the way, I think I forgot to mention that. Anyway, the King is worried about future attack’s so he sent out multiple knights to different kingdoms.”

“Oh so we’re not your only threat”

“Your not even a threat, your kingdom is crumbling”

“Oh wow thanks, I’ll remember that when I become king.”

“ You mean IF you become king”

“What is that suppose to mean ‘Red Riot’”

For the rest of the night, I joked and listened to Kirishima’s stories. I wish to see his home kingdom one day it sounds pretty cool. Before I knew it I was asleep and having another dream. It was different, there were no choices or stress. It was just Kirishima and me out on a hill having a picnic, eating food together, he fed me strawberries and the dream ended with a kiss, maybe falling for the knight wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe my wedding dream was a warning about my kingdom and not Kirishima. I woke up and realized I was still in the dungeon, and that it was almost time for the guards check up on Kirishima, so I started to sneak back up to my room, I successfully avoided the guards on my way there, I acted as if nothing happened, I’m a pretty good actor if I do say so myself.

In the king’s throne room, a royal knight is kneeling before his king, he comes with important information.

“Lord Kaminari, I found the dungeon door unlocked and the keys on the guard bench this morning”

“ Well don’t leave them there”

“ I didn’t sir, I believe someone is sneaking into the dungeon at night.”

“ How would that be possible, we have Shinsou guarding the keys at night?”

“ I believe that he may have fallen asleep on duty.”

“ Well we can’t afford to get new guards or to switch any of the guard’s jobs, just move the keys to a new location along with Shinsou, Shinsou will continue to guard them. I want you to keep an eye out for anything suspicious.”

“Yes Sir”

“You are now dismissed Monoma.”

All characters belong to Horikoshi and his series Boku No Hero Academia

[therapy101]

(1/2) With a rise in young children expressing gender nonconformity being sent to gender clinics, being taught about gender dysphoria and being ‘born in the wrong body’ in schools, being guided towards pubertal blockers and medical transition, I was wondering if I could ask for your more knowledgeable input please. When treating such children and adolescents, why is the underlying assumption that the dysphoric feelings are valid and the body is what needs fixing? Why is APA/psychologists

(”2/2) allowing medical decisions to be made based on outdated mind-body dualism? We don’t affirm anorexia and offer liposuction, or the delusions of schizophrenia for instance, so why is this the only mind-body incongruence that’s treated this way? Does GD in a developing child really warrant medicalizing them for the rest of their lives? Since we’ve scientifically concluded gender is a spectrum, shouldn’t we instead be promoting gender diversity no matter what sexed body we’re born in?”

There are a lot of things to unpack and understand here. 

1. The underlying assumption is not that “the body needs fixing.” Medical transition is not the first step for children, adolescents, or adults with gender dysphoria. From 2004-2016, only 92 total children and adolescents out of six million total patients younger than 19 seen in the sample received a hormone blocker for a transgender-related diagnosis. Even among adults, current estimates for the United States are that between 25-35% of trans and non-binary adults complete any kind of gender affirming surgery (this means, even enough those who have surgery, it may only be one type of surgery and may not impact all relevant body parts). Getting access to trans-affirming medical care is very difficult, and structural inequalities like racism impact access to care, leading some trans people, especially Black trans women, to have to buy hormones from non-medical sources. That’s one of the reasons why the APA has come out to support trans folks and gender affirming care: because otherwise, these folks don’t get any care, or they get mistreated. The point here is to ensure that everyone gets equitable access to high quality medical and mental health care. That includes hormones, hormone blockers, and/or surgery for some people, but not everyone. 

2. All feelings are valid- dysphoric or otherwise. Sometimes feelings don’t fit the facts, or acting upon them doesn’t make sense, but that doesn’t take away from their validity. The question is not whether the feelings are valid for kids with gender dysphoria, the question is how to understand that dysphoria better and how to identify what to do about it, both in terms of gender identity and in terms of coping, support and improving overall mental health. This is a great place for a therapist with expertise to step in and help the child and their family figure it out. 

Sometimes the child or adolescent has known literally or essentially their whole life, and that may mean no dysphoria (which is great!). From Katz-Wise et al., 2017: 

For some youth, primarily but not exclusively those ages 7–12 years, indication of transgender identification occurred early and was described as “immediate.” One father of an 18-year-old trans boy from the Northeast noted, “It was so immediate that it was just, you know, it wasn’t like he was seven and he said, ‘Oh my god he thinks of himself as a boy.’ It was just kinda always like that with him.”

For other youth, it is a more gradual process, and may take some time to sort out. Some youth also don’t have dysphoria while they are doing that so there may not be a reason to seek out therapy unless there is some other mental health issue they are facing. But if they do have dysphoria, or are otherwise experiencing mental health symptoms related to their gender identity, then seeing a therapist can help. 

3. Supporting a child to identify as trans or nonbinary or some other non-cis gender is not “medicalizing them for the rest of their lives.” Hormone blockers can be removed, and hormones can be stopped- but I disagree that these are “medicalizing” in any case. A person cannot be reduced down to the medications they take or the treatments they receive. Is a woman with cancer “medicalized” because she undergoes a hysterectomy? Are the children on puberty blockers for medical reasons “medicalized” (>2000 of them in the study I cited above, but no one seems concerned about them)? What about those people with delusions who are put on antipsychotics, which are known to have severe side effects including higher risk of diabetes and heart disease, seizures, tardive dyskinesia, overwhelming sleepiness impacting ability to work or drive, weight gain (I’ve seen clients gain >70 lbs in 3 months), and more? 

I would encourage you to read either of these great studies by Katz-Wise et al: 1 or 2 to understand this better. When you ask trans youth about themselves, the medical aspect is such a small part- they are talking about their whole selves, their hopes for the future, their families and friends, and their wishes to be able to be loved and accepted for who they really are. Some of it is about their bodies, sure, and that can mean that some decide to use hormones and/or hormone blockers or undergo surgery (although we’ve seen that those rates aren’t super higher ). But they’re also just talking about being called the right name and pronoun, getting to wear the clothes that make them feel authentic, getting to date and marry and have sex, and: getting to live. Not being ostracized and assaulted and killed. Like this 8 year old who identifies as a girlish boy worrying he’ll never be able to get married AND be his true self (from the second Katz-Wise et al):

An 8-year-old youth participant who identified as a “girlish boy” similarly worried about other people's reactions related to gender norms in the long-term future, as told by his mother,

He said [to me], ‘But I'm not going to get married, because if I married a boy I'd want to be the bride...I would want to wear a dress and people would laugh at me because I'm marrying a boy and I'd be wearing a dress.

He is 8 years old and these are his worries. As a mental health professional, my immediate thought is that he deserves any and all support that makes sense to him and his family so that he doesn’t have to worry like this. So that he can be 8. 

4. Finally, and probably most importantly: gender dysphoria is different because treating it with hormone blockers, hormones, and surgery is literally life saving. 

As high as 42% of trans people have attempted suicide at least once. For comparison, the lifetime prevalence of suicide attempts in the general population is 3%.  

Study after study has shown that there are three primary factors that reduce suicide risk: 1. Timely medical and legal transition for those who want it; 2. Family acceptance and general support from friends and loved ones; 3. Reduced transphobia and internalized transphobia. (1 2 3 4 5). 

Psychologists want to help people live, and live well. Living well means having a life you enjoy and find meaningful. If medical transition means someone’s suicide risk decreases and their mental health improves, then they can pursue the life they want. Being affirmed in their gender means they can have that part of the life they want. It might also help them get to other things they want (like having the marriage and wedding they envision, like that example). These are things we as psychologists prioritize. Period. 

It’s not the same as anorexia because providing a liposuction for two reasons. One: It would not resolve the dysphoria. People with anorexia who lose weight do not feel better about themselves and their bodies. That’s the dysphoria: people with anorexia (and other eating disorders, sometimes) often cannot see their bodies as they really are. Changing the body won’t help. Unlike in gender dysphoria, where changing the body- either in presentation or actually medically -actually does help. Two: Liposuction for an underweight person with anorexia could kill them. As we’ve discussed, gender affirming surgeries for trans people can save their lives. These are not comparable. 

The comparison to delusions doesn’t work very well because there isn’t really a “medical” intervention you would do to affirm someone’s delusion. But, since you may not know this: we sometimes do affirm people’s delusions, and it’s not necessarily psychologically helpful to try to change someone’s mind about a delusion. Delusions are not bad all on their own, and: sometimes things we think are delusional, actually aren’t, so it’s super important not to assume we know someone’s life and experiences better than they do. (Just recently a nurse assumed a patient was delusional, but actually they were quite rich and owned several expensive cars. People can be rich and have a significant mental illness.) So anyway- I don’t know how that applies. 

Overall: we as a field are still understanding the full spectrum of gender identities and how to do good treatment and good science in relationship with that. But what’s clear is that medical transition is sometimes a part of a good treatment plan for both youth and adults, and that it can save people’s lives. It can make their lives better. I am 100% about saving people’s lives, so I am 100% about a medical transition when appropriate and gender affirming care in general. 

References: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

(email me at academic.consultant101 gmail.com if you need full texts)

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[indige-zine]

Spotlight Series: Creative Disruption

Making noise, redefining language, wielding raucous imagery—these things serve an important role in our collective quest to decolonize relationships to our oppressors, our lovers, ourselves. Sometimes, you have to destroy and rebuild from the essentials.

indige•zine caught up with three Indigenous creatives who use their art to disrupt the boxes   that dictate the way Natives love.

Tatiana Benally

Age: 24

What she does: Hailing from the Diné Nation in Shiprock, New Mexico, Tatiana lives in New York City as a working-class student of anti-colonialist practice, resiliency, and movement. When she’s not freelancing as a media artist or barista-ing in Flatbush, she’s helping to organize events like the Indigenous Creatives Festival with Manhattan’s American Indian Community House, making interdisciplinary art and music, curating the meme page Asdzaaproletariat, frequenting a Diné communist reading group, and much more.

How do you define love?

Love is an organic and necessary connection between human beings. Love is also complex, powerful and is certainly not perfect. There are many notions of love, but the most important love is one that is conscious and respectful of the conditions we are living in.

A noteworthy quote by [political theorist and philosopher] Hannah Arendt addresses the power of an anti-colonial love as:

“Love, by reason of its passion, destroys the in-between which relates us to and separates us from others … Love, by its very nature, is unworldly, and it is for this reason rather than its rarity that it is not only apolitical but anti-political, perhaps the most powerful of all anti-political human forces.”

I find this quote so beautiful in recognizing the power of love in building solidarity and its nature to be anti-colonial. The only thing I would argue is that love is absolutely political in our time. Destroying the “in-between” that [Arendt] writes about, things like individualism and social constructs, could be read as bi-products of capitalism and colonialism. Love is anti-colonial strength in our times.  

In which ways do your concepts of love and creativity meet in your life?

For me, this is mostly observed in the healing process of expression. I often turn to creativity as a way to grapple with feelings of ennui or as a tool to explore the roots of my feelings in times of confusion. Other times, I am just plain happy and the art that I make is then a document of a time that I felt full and warm. The healing power of creation is medicine for the maker and hopefully for people who connect with the art. That’s love.

What’s one toxic thing about romance and relationship you’ve had to unlearn?

The idea that it is cute or normal to be owned by someone (i.e. “She’s mine,��� “You belong to me,” etc.) Language and behavior with possessive logic are only another vehicle to integrate colonial notions of property and other outward rippling capitalist-centric lifestyles into practice. From the many recognized and unrecognized Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women (MMIW) cases, to everyday practices of consensual intimacy being breached in relationships.

Love should be founded on mutual respect and compromise, and exist without power dynamics. The purpose of love is not to be used to cushion one’s oppression, nor as a tool of coercion into capitalism. We need to do better.

What is your most potent practice of self love as an indigenous woman?

Existing unapologetically. There is so much joy in embracing who I am and what I do without fear. It is wholesome and pure and everyone needs to do so much more of it.

Dio Ganhdih

Age: 31

What they do: Dio is an Akwesane hip-hop artist with brash, bold flows packed with humor and wit. Born and raised on Haudenosaunee Territory in Upstate New York, they’re also an educator and speaker whose work centers their experience as a queer, gender non-conforming Indigenous artist seeking community amongst their intersections. They’ve made music with Anishinaabe electronic artist Ziibiwan, Peguis First Nation producer Exquisite Ghost, mestiza hip-hop artist Chhoti Maa, and many others.  

How do you decolonize your love?

With reflection and accountability of my own toxic behaviors. I take my own internal spiritual temperature and sit with self to process past traumas and explore new paths of healing. The impacts of colonization are thick and dense. Without question, colonization confuses the love that I want and contradicts my intrinsic ability to love. I work to unpack and unfold the whitewashing and heteronormative culture I was surrounded with and inevitably influenced by growing up in a small town and Native community.

As a queer indigenous musician, how do you protect your spirit?

I protect my spirit by trusting my intuition and using my powers for good. I use smoke, sweetgrass, tobacco and prayer. I attend ceremonies and carry with me traditional medicines from my people. I work with teas, herbs and plants which offer external protection and vitality as well.

If you could tell your teenage self one thing about self-love, what would it be?

Teenage me: Believe it or not, you have everything within you to provide yourself with the love, attention, and the validation you are seeking. You will never actually fill that void until you learn how to embrace yourself fully. Dig deeper and push past that binary—you got this! Konarronkwa!

Gwen Benaway

What she does: Gwen Benaway is a trans girl of Anishinaabe and Métis descent. She has published three collections of poetry, Ceremonies for the Dead, Passage, and Holy Wild. Her fourth collection of poetry, Aperture, is forthcoming from Book*hug in Spring 2020. Her writing has been published in many national publications, including CBC Arts, Maclean’s Magazine, and the Globe and Mail. She’s currently editing an anthology of fantasy short stories by trans girl writers and working on a book of creative non-fiction. She lives in Toronto, Ontario and is a Ph.D student at the Women and Gender Studies Institute at the University of Toronto.

How have you used language and poetry to decolonize the institution of love?

I don’t know that language or poetry really can decolonize love. For me, poetry and language are an embodied reflection of a living, not an artifact nor a tool as commonly used by Western mentalities. Language and poetry arises from the love and the living, but can’t liberate us in and of itself. I use poetry and language to explore and narrate my embodiment and intimacies, but decolonization happens through what you do, not what you say. I think people get tripped up on that point, thinking that their language will be their liberation, when it’s their relationally and doing/living that is the revolution.

What is one misconception about desire and relationships you wish you’d known when you were younger?

I wish I had known that it was possible to live inside multiple intimacies and not focus so much on monogamous intimacy as the ultimate relational bond. What I’ve learned is that non-sexual intimacies are very powerful and important, as are polyamorous intimacies. I have several intimacies that I’m present in which are love affairs, but none of them supersede each other. That feels really comforting to me.

I also have several deep intimacies which are non-sexual and fill a lot of spaces for me in terms of kinship and care. I think when I grew up, I just saw abusive monogamous relationships and internalized that as normal. Now, I look at extended networks of kinship, care, and multiple intimacies as my safe normal. I also wish I had embraced my bisexuality sooner but I guess some things take time to grow.

What advice do you have for fellow Indigenous trans people trying to tell their story?

My advice to other trans Indigenous folks is to stand in your language, traditions, and kinships, but also embrace your own sense of selfness.

Transness is complex. It doesn’t have to be one thing. It can look and feel like many different paths or ways of being in the world. I think it’s important to see your ancestors in your transness, but to know that you can innovate around yourself as well.

There is still a lot of transphobia around us, but we are going to find a way through it towards a different future. Never be afraid to be traditional, but never be afraid to not be traditional (or adapt traditions).

Sometimes, I think Indigenous trans people get pressured to take up a certain space in the world. But like all Indigenous peoples, we’re diverse and not all of us need to be activists, writers, healers, leaders, etc. Some of us can just chill and support other folks who want to take on those roles. I want to see more trans NDN voices and bodies in the world doing a bunch of things, from every nation, and in their own ways. That’s my dream for us: a future where we are vibrant, visible, and varied.

[sighxxscream]

Ramblings on gender

I started on one topic and then it became a bunch of loosely connected thoughts so I’m keeping it all and putting it under a cut.

I know there’s a lot of social pressure for men to conform to toxic masculinity, I see it in media all the time, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it first hand. I’ve never seen anyone pressure a boy to be “a real man” or anything like that, and the men closest to me have always been very compassionate, kind, generous people. I’ve never had experiences that led me to think of men as categorically bad, or as anything at all. I’ve never thought that all men are the same, or that there’s anything that “defines” men or masculinity because to me, men have always seemed very diverse. Just like women. Yes, I see gender stereotypes play out in stores and media, but when I look at actual people, I see so much diversity that I can’t reasonably lump all men or all women into one group. It just doesn’t make sense.

And that’s why I don’t understand terf “arguments” about men being evil or whatever because I’ve never met a man I thought was evil. I know they’re out there (you just have to look at the government), but my personal experience tells me there are plenty of men who aren’t evil, and I can’t define men by that even if it’s true of some men (also, evil can’t be an exclusive defining feature of men when there are plenty of women who are evil).

And this is also why I can’t even wrap my mind around what “man” and “woman” are. There’s nothing that all men and all women have in common, so what exactly does it mean to be a man or a woman? Except that you say that’s what you are? Women and men all present and express themselves in such diverse ways, and not every woman or man has the same biological body (even if you only consider cisgender people, which I’m not), so it seems to me like being a “man” or a “woman” is a matter of label and not much else.

Because it’s certainly not a matter of being “feminine” or “masculine” since we see people mix those up to various degrees, which also leads me to reject those descriptors since they don’t correspond to natural categories, it’s decided by social standards. Maybe on some level they’re supposed to correspond to someone’s sex, like, in some ideal a “man” is “masculine” and a “woman” is “feminine”, but not everyone agrees with that ideal and so “masculine” and “feminine” feel pretty separate from biological sex and there’s no reason to expect that it would naturally map out that way so cleanly. Things are assigned as “masculine” and “feminine” and are only attached to biological sex by social construction, not inherently by nature. And maybe on some level they are still mapped that way since if you have a “masculine woman” or a “feminine man” it’s considered gender non-conforming, so they’re doing the opposite of what they “should” be doing. But I think there’s a growing understanding that this is all artificial construction that is open to change if we choose to change it as a society, and I think it’s possible that we could eventually we get to the point where such mixing is not even considered non-conformity anymore. It would just be people following what feels right to them as an individual (which for me means an ideal world without gender, no designating personality traits and aesthetics and behaviors as “masculine” or “feminine” at all; I know that’s not the ideal for everyone, but that’s just what makes sense to me personally).

I know what other people label me as, so I know in their minds I have a gender and sex identity, but in my own mind, I don’t have either of those things. I don’t have a gender when I think about myself because gender is a social thing, so it disappears when it’s just me, and I don’t feel much association with my body, so it doesn’t feel like an “identity” as much as just a fact that I have x y z characteristics in my body that affect the way I live. My body is something I have to work with, not something that feels like a central aspect to who I am as a person. I know I can’t separate myself from it, I know it’s part of the whole package that is “me”, but I don’t feel like it should be anything that defines me. There are other features to me that I prioritize way way more. The only reason my sex would matter is because society creates an atmosphere that puts value on it as an aspect of identity. And I reject that. So I live with the knowledge that socially, I have labels in other people’s minds that affect the way they see me, but when I think about myself, I don’t have those frameworks for identifying myself. They’re meaningless to me. So there’s always a clash when I’m in public between how I see myself and how I know others see me, and that’s frustrating. But I know I can’t do anything about it because society is still far from letting go of its gender construction.

I don’t at all think me saying I’m agender makes people actually stop seeing me as the gender and sex they believe I am. I know it doesn’t. And I know sex and gender frameworks can still affect me and I know they cause a lot of harm to a lot of people around the world. I would never deny that and I would never say that the solution to something like FGM is for all the women in those countries to just identify as agender or something else. I don’t know why terfs and such think that’s an argument anyone is making. I’m saying that things are contextual, and in some contexts, physical violence is a serious threat and requires aggressive activism to fight, and in some contexts, there isn’t a threat of physical violence and a person has more freedom to identify how they want in their environment, and both are valid, neither one invalidates the other. No one is denying that discrimination and violence based on sex, gender, and orientation are real, but that doesn’t mean that if someone is in a context where they can play with their identities outside of strict binaries they’re not allowed to because sex-based violence happens somewhere else. Someone can identify as agender because their immediate context has room for that even while the larger context has oppressive sexism (like criminalizing abortion) that affects them.

I can empathize with people who do identify with their body because of the way society treats it. Because it is a political site, they feel deeply connected to it, and I can understand that. I’m not that way. I don’t feel obligated to identify myself the way others identify me, with a framework that feels irrelevant to and unnecessary for my own self image. But I can identify myself in my own way while still being aware of how external frameworks affect everyone’s lives, including my own.

Someone can identify as agender and still support women fighting sexist oppression in other areas. I don’t know why terfs think that parading out women being forced to wear hijabs and victims of FGM are trump cards against people in other places taking on neo-gender identities. What do the two have to do with each other? The contexts are different. But they love to say that neo-gender people are oblivious to “real world” problems as if neo-gender people actually live in internet bubbles and never go outside. We all absolutely know that there are serious problems in the world. We know there are problems in our own contexts with regard to gender because we encounter people everyday who don’t understand our gender identities. We’re very aware how uncomfortable and harmful societal norms are, but we live in our own contexts and respond to them in ways that make sense to us and for us, and we can do that while still caring about problems that are different from our own. I can be agender and struggle with the discomfort of being interpreted by outsiders through sex and gender constructs that I reject and still recognize and care about the fact that a lot of women (cis and trans) suffer horrible, horrible physical violence thanks to misogyny and transphobia. I can care about more than one issue. And I can do all that without generalizing all men as evil.

[thesydneyfeminists]

“Queer Eye” Breaks Down Toxic Masculinity Culture

Since its release in February 2018, the Netflix reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” has been all over the media. Like any pop culture fad, the show has received both raving reviews and ruthless criticisms. On its surface, “Queer Eye” is a fun, feel-good show with just the perfect amount of “edge” for its target audience. There’s a heavy focus on personal transformation, teachable moments, community building and self-love/ care. The cast is comprised of five gay men who each handle one aspect of these transformations: fashion, food, home, culture, and personal grooming. Personally, the show strikes an emotional cord for me. I’m a sucker for the exact kind of sappy, optimistic messages the show portrays. Plus, I’ve enjoyed watching the show and its main cast grow and adapt over three, short seasons. “Queer Eye” is easily bingeable, takes my mind off the doom and gloom of the world and fans a small flicker of hope that whispers, “we can change the world by helping one another.” Still, in researching this article, I found plenty of articles illuminating flaws in the show I never would have seen otherwise. These faults range broadly but include the capitalistic and materialistic basis of the show, the mistreatment of cast members, and the general “unqueerness” of a show with the word “queer” in its very name. All these points are valid, and I will link some sources at the end of my piece that flesh out these criticisms in more depth and nuance. Today, though, I want to apply a feminist lens to one particular aspect of “Queer Eye,” and that’s toxic masculinity.  

Image Description: Photo of the Fab Five against a plain, white backdrop. Tan is on the far left, wearing a black, long sleeve, collared shirt with large white polka dots and dark blue jeans. His arms are crossed in front of his chest and he is looking into the camera with a very slight smile. Bobby is standing to the right of Tan, wearing a black tshirt, black pants, and a light grey blazer. His body is angled towards Tan and his right hand is in his pocket. He is also looking directly at the camera with a neutral expression. Jonathan is in the center, wearing a white tshirt, dark blue pants and a blue jean jacket. His back is to Bobby and his hands are wrapped around Antoni’s arm. He is looking into the camera with a neutral expression. Antoni is to the right of Jonathan, wearing a grey tshirt, white jeans and a dark brown leather jacket. His left arm is wrapped around Karamo’s shoulder. He is looking at the camera with a neutral expression. Karamo is on the far right. He is wearing a dark blue tshirt and dark blue, velvet blazer with dark wash jeans. His right hand is in his pocket and he is also looking at the camera with a neutral expression. Image Source:  https://variety.com/2018/tv/features/queer-eye-emmys-reality-conversation-contenders-1202843269/

“Queer Eye” takes place in the deep south of the United States, a place with a reputation for racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia and ableism. The show and its cast attempt to grapple with many of these topics. Sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail. Some of the failures are teachable moments. Others aren’t. One of the structural issues “Queer Eye” confronts fairly well and directly is toxic masculinity. Unlike the original show, not every episode the reboot features a cishet man. I very much appreciate how the Fab Five branch out to include more diverse people in the second and third seasons. For example, “Black Girl Magic” is probably one of the most memorable and well done of the episodes on the show. Another personal favorite is when the Fab Five help a young man “come out of the closet” for the first time. However, in many of the episodes, “Queer Eye uses gay men to unleash traditionally feminine qualities in masculine blokes to redefine what all of those things even mean” (https://www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/a531752/laura-jane-williams-queer-eye-feminist/). In doing so, the Fab Five actively deconstruct toxic masculinity and embody feminist activism. They show up, communicate with their fellow men and make them question what it means to “be a man.” And, for the most part, the men listen. Partially because it’s a TV show, of course, and they have to listen. But also, partially because the Fab Five have access to and constructively use their male privilege. They show how all prospective allies should use their various privileges: to call out toxic behaviors and help people who are willing to unlearn them.

Image Description: Photo of someone holding a sign up in front of some city buildings and trees. The sign reads “You can be masculine without being Toxic bro. #truthtopower.” It is written in mostly black letters on a white background. The words “you can” are outlined in bright pink. The word “masculine” is underlined in red. The word toxic is written in green, outlined in bright orange and underlined in red. “#truthtopower” is written in red. You can’t see much of the person holding the sign, except the top of their head and their hand/ forearm. They are wearing a grey baseball cap and a camouflage shirt. Image Source: https://theconversation.com/the-real-problem-with-toxic-masculinity-is-that-it-assumes-there-is-only-one-way-of-being-a-man-110305

Over the course of a week, the Fab Five teach the cishet men on their show fairly basic life lessons – how to properly groom themselves, cook a meal, decorate their house, etc. They very clearly don’t believe in the “one size fits all” model and thoughtfully tailor their lessons to the individual. The underlying moral of these interactions is the value of vulnerability. For example, in one episode, Antoni teaches a widower how to prepare a proper meal for his two young sons. Since the death of his wife, Rob Elrod struggled to prepare healthy meals for himself and his family. So, Antoni’s cooking lesson is a learning moment about food, but also about how to be the best possible parental figure to young boys. Throughout this episode, viewers see a tender, loving, yet flawed father. By the end of the episode, we are left hoping his continued relationship with his sons will be better because of the Fab Five. As another blogger suggests, “That’s the thing about toxic masculinity — it’s not just the unconscious belief that having your own style and enjoying refined pleasures of the senses makes you less masculine, it’s the belief that vulnerability in any form makes you less masculine and, therefore, less of a valuable human being” (https://medium.com/s/pop-feminism/queer-eye-for-the-male-victims-of-toxic-masculinity-cdcdad02730d). And if I had to choose one word to describe the very heart of “Queer Eye,” it would be “vulnerability.” Not only do the Fab Five cultivate this vulnerability with the men they makeover, but they show it themselves as well. And, in doing so, they invite the audience to share in these moments of opening up.

Image Description: Screenshot of a tweet by user andi zeisler (@andizeisler). Tweet  reads “general periodic reminder: the term ‘toxic masculinity’ does not mean ‘all men are toxic.’ It refers to cultural norms that equate masculinity with control, aggression, and violence and that label emotion, compassion, and empathy ‘unmanly.’” The tweet has been liked 20,166 times and retweeted 7,792 times. It was published on the 15th of February, 2018. Image Source: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1348005-toxic-masculinity via @andizeisler’s twitter account. 

I wish “Queer Eye” could be mandated viewing for all cishet men. But that’s one of the main problems with the show. The audience it attracts is not the audience that truly needs to watch it. There isn’t much hard data to support my hypothesis. But, if you tune into internet conversations about “Queer Eye”, it’s clear the majority of viewers are not cishet men. The show seems to attract a large LGBTQIA+ fandom, probably because wholesome representation of any kind is so difficult to come by for us. Otherwise, the target audience appears to be young(ish), upper middle class, white people. It definitely does not include the very demographic of men that so desperately needs to hear the lessons “Queer Eye” teaches. The result is a warm and fuzzy TV show catered very specifically to people who already know the dangers of toxic masculinity. For the length of an episode, we get to sit back and be proud of ourselves for simply understanding that deconstructing toxic masculinity is critical work. Furthermore, “Queer Eye” so often puts the burden of transformation on those with marginalized identities. As one writer quotes, “Queer Eye suggests we can all get along, if only half of us would just be super-duper nice and patient with the other half” (https://slate.com/culture/2018/02/netflixs-queer-eye-reviewed.html). The Fab Five are thus both a beacon of hope and a reminder that the darkness is still ever so present. Still, if nothing else, “Queer Eye” reinforces the importance of representation and suggests the possibility of a world without toxic masculinity. The Fab Five very clearly care about people, and their palpable labors of love alone make the show worth watching.  

By: Brittany L.

Sources

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/why-queer-eyes-common-ground-message-fails-in-2018.html

https://slate.com/culture/2018/02/netflixs-queer-eye-reviewed.html

https://theestablishment.co/the-not-so-secret-materialism-of-queer-eye/

https://www.indiewire.com/2018/03/queer-eye-netflix-not-queer-1201932107/

https://www.them.us/story/skyler-jay-reveals-his-true-feelings-on-queer-eyes-trans-makeover-episode

https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/queer-eye-cutting-room-floor

https://www.bustle.com/p/queer-eye-season-2-exposes-the-fab-fives-flaws-but-thats-the-point-9394381

https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/06/queer-eye-season-2-review/562883/

https://www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/a531752/laura-jane-williams-queer-eye-feminist/

https://medium.com/s/pop-feminism/queer-eye-for-the-male-victims-of-toxic-masculinity-cdcdad02730d

[colorisbyshe]

Linking to this post where @officialcisblog​ and I were speaking. I’m creating a new post because it got too long.

@officialcisblog​ said:

Wow you completely ignored the fact that I stated asexuality and aromanticism challenges societal norms!

Also the fact that I’m aspec yeah, but I’m trans/nonbinary and not straight.

You leave out the fact that being asexual doesn’t mean a person is straight. But society has a huge pressure on people to BE overtly sexual and to WANT sex. Which, on one hand is okay, but on the other hand is toxic/harmful to not just ace people.

And trying to compare ace people to just normal straight people is sort of… gross. Asexuality is an identity within itself that has unique characteristics. It’s not comparable to “some person focusing on their career” because that person will probably still be sexually attracted to people and other things that a lot of asexual people wouldn’t. In fact, as an aspec person your blatantly WRONG explanation of asexuality is.. pretty offensive.

Asexual people still have sex. Some do, some don’t. A lot of times it’s just a lack of sexual attraction WHICH IS A FORM OF SEXUALITY.

Part of the LGBT community is that we challenge the norms of society. I mean, look at the drag movement- not the modern one, but the one that occurred during the Queer Revolution/LGBT movement in the 1970’s-90’s. Trans people like Marsha P. Johnson were put out into the spotlight.

Why? Because she challenged a part of society’s construct.

And please don’t act like the LGBT community is “SGA only” because A) you’re throwing bisexual, pansexual polysexual and so on people under the bus- wether it be people who are one of these labels but are primarily attracted to/currently in a relationship with their opposite gender (if they have one) or people who feel like SGA doesn’t fit them because they’re not just attracted to one gender. I mean last time I checked, me being pan doesn’t mean I’m attracted to my same gender. I’m attracted regardless of gender and I don’t want to get lumped in with being “SGA” because it’s not the same experience.

And B) if that was the case Straight trans people need to leave the community. Sorry y'all. Nonbinary people aren’t allowed either.  

((Not to mention the term itself, SGA, is a term which has roots in conversion therapy))

The aspec community is fighting towards having what a lot of others want- like nonbinary people, pan people, and other marginalised identities want.

To be seen. To be seen as more than just a joke or a freak. To educate people on our identities and what they are and what they mean to us. We fight for acceptance and awareness like a lot of the lesser-known marginalised identities of the LGBTQIA+ community do.

And yknow, the community is supposed to pride itself on diversity and acceptance. It’s a COMMUNITY. Shoving your head up your asshole and spending more time screeching about “SGA” people as if they’re superior to the rest of us kind of defeats the purpose, and honestly gets you nowhere. Aspecs aren’t doing any harm to the community by being apart of it, just like how bi/pan/poly people who are with their opposite gender and straight trans people aren’t causing any harm by just simply existing in the community.

I want to begin by saying, no, I’m not ignoring you saying that aromanticism/asexuality challenge societal norms. I’m saying they don’t challenge societal norms. Thanks.

Rest of my response under a read more:

I don’t know why you’re listing off your identities as if they’re relevant? No one in this thread said you can’t be ace, trans, and non-straight. We’re just saying that the cis and straight aces aren’t non-heteronormativie. Neither are cis aroaces. It’s... that simple. If you can be trans non-straight and ace, someone else can therefore be... cis straight and ace. Mind boggling concept, I know.

Society really doesn’t give a fuck if you want sex. Society just cares if you have sex and if the sex you have is the right sex (between two cishet people, typically intraracial, typically everyone involved has no visible disabilities, and it should be procreative unless it’s all about the man’s pleasure). And even then?? Society stops caring if you’re dating. No one looks at elderly couples and is like “ah, there’s a chance you’ve stopped having sex. Society frowns on this.”

So, like, cis straight aces are just as straight as straight non-aces. Especially when you remember, there are aces who have/want/enjoy sex and non-aces who don’t.  There are some people so sex-repulsed they consider that an integral part of their sexuality but would not call themselves ace. They’re still straight if they only want to date the “opposite” gender or are only attracted to the “opposite” gender. Every relationship you can have to sex/romance is incorporated under “straight” if you are solely attracted to the opposite gender. (This is an abstract you, I’m not saying you are straight.) Just like if you are only attracted to the same/similar gender, it does not matter how you are attracted to them or what you want to do with them, you are gay.

I have a question for you--how is a single woman who never wants to date and doesn’t have time for sex treated differently in society that a straight woman who doesn’t feel sexual attraction and doesn’t date? What does society do to differentiate these women? How does the latter woman challenge gender norms in a way the cishet non-ace woman doesn’t?

How do cishet  ace people who have sex challenge gender norms in a way that cishet non-ace people who have sex don’t?

Gender norms aren’t based on whether or not your behaviour is motivated by attraction or not Gender norms are just based on your behaviour, motivators be damned.

If aces can have/want/need sex, what about asexuality is inherently non-heteronormative? What norms are they challenging?

To address your Marsha P Johnson statement, a. fuck you for comparing cishet aces to bisexual trans women and b. did you forget the original post?? We’ve already talked about how transness and gayness are both gender nonconforming and that’s why our activism overlaps.

Where did anyone say the LGBT community is “SGA” only?

Pansexual means “attracted to every gender,” so like... if you aren’t attracted to your own gender... that’s not pan. The only exception being if you don’t have a gender because then... yeah... you can’t be attracted to your own gender. You don’t have one.

Straight trans people are hurt by homophobia and transphobia no shit they belong. We’re talking about cis straight aces and cis araoces. Why do y’all derail posts like this????

SGA doesn’t have roots in conversion therapy. It’s root is “attracted to the same gender” which is an extremely common phrase. It IS used in conversion therapy and it stems from SSA in that case. But it also comes from SGL which is AAVE. Again, same gender attraction is a very common phrase, so it has multiple “origins.”

The ace community A. Isn’t fighting for anything. Seriously can you name a single ace organization that does activism and B. Isn’t fighting for LGBT causes.

Visibility isn’t an LGBT issue. People know LGBT people exist. The LGBT community currently suffers from something called “hypervisibility.” We suffer because people know about us and use that to oppress us.

LGBT people aren’t fighting to not be seen as jokes/freaks. We’re fighting to exist in public and not have our love, lives, sex, bodies, health be legal. We’re fighting for legal protections which we don’t currently have. We’re fighting to not be killed, assaulted, abused, and rejected.

ANY social group can be said ot be fighting for the weak shit you’re listed. LGBT activism has specific goals. Yeah, if you decontextualize it, it sounds just like the ace community’s supposed goals!!

But AGAIN, fighting against coercive sex and romance is actually a FEMINIST issue, not an LGBT one!! In a world where LGBT people are killed for fucking and loving, our goals cannot be also reminding the world “yeah but sex and romance aren’t important.” LGBT people are literally forced into conversion therapy to make them sexless and loveless.

No, we don’t share goals with the ace community.

Aces aren’t doing harm to the community by being part of it. But cishet aces, cishet aros, and cis aroaces are. Because they oppress us.

Bisexuals and straight trans people don’t oppress the community. But thanks for comparing cishets to bisexuals and trans folk. Real nice.

Fuck off.

[chestnutpost]

Self-Care For Women Is More Work Than Buying Products

This post was originally published on this site

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I think about self-care more than the average person. I’ve been a wellness writer and editor for more than half a decade, and in that time I’ve published probably hundreds of stories on managing burnout, stress, self-esteem and anxiety. I can recite data on mental health more easily than I can recall my mom’s cellphone number. I’ve tried my best to help people live better, happier lives. However, I’ve also noticed ― as a journalist in this space and as a consumer in general ― how oversimplified self-care guidance really is.

Self-care isn’t some new concept (although Americans have Googled the term more in the last three years than ever before). Hell, it was discussed long before I was even born ― first medically, and then, during the civil rights movement, more politically. But the concept of self-care has shifted toward the notion that improving our well-being is only a product away. Take one look at Goop, with its suggestion that adding moon dust to your morning smoothie can help boost “your spirit.”

That’s not nearly adequate to help us survive in the world today.

A bubble bath may help my muscles relax but isn’t going to wash away the dirtiness I feel after a man brazenly gazes at my breasts on the subway. A face mask may remove my blackheads but it isn’t going to extract the shame I carry over my student loan debt. Going for a jog may take my mind off my to-do list for a little while but it isn’t going to help me outrun the emotional labor I have waiting for me at home.

Self-care shouldn’t be reduced to a fleeting activity or dispensable product. It shouldn’t even just be considered a wellness phenomenon. For women, it’s a difficult but necessary act that helps us survive in a world with work demands, family pressures, duties at home, rampant incidents of sexual harassment, a relentless news cycle, financial worries and more. Inner reflection takes time and energy ― resources we’re already lacking. Self-care is hard work.

This is rarely acknowledged. There’s something missing when we talk about self-care, both in the media and on our own. So I asked several women what they find problematic with our collective discussion about the concept ― and what taking care of yourself actually means to them. Below is their advice. Consider it a real guide to real self-care (no purchases necessary).

Self-care is… ‘not attending some extravagant spa day with the girls, but rather being able to identify when I need to slow down and perhaps cancel that spa day.’

Katie McCartney

Katie McCartney had practiced what she thought was self-care for years, sometimes turning to articles on how to have a better life. But the Michigan resident said she had a terrible sense of self-worth, often not extending herself compassion or respect.

That finally shifted about two years ago, when she decided to go to therapy and learned the way she was treating herself undid anything she did for her well-being.

“For me, it was a learning experience that took a brutally honest self-assessment leading to awareness, which led to motivation for change,” McCartney, 33, said. “It is often falsely assumed that as women we should know these things, but in truth … there is a tremendous need in this country for a reassessment of what it takes to take good care of ourselves.”

“It is often falsely assumed that as women we should know these things, but in truth … there is a tremendous need in this country for a reassessment of what it takes to take good care of ourselves.”

– Katie McCartney

That means ignoring alluring ads and articles promising a better mentality could come from an expensive product or day out.

“In my opinion, self-care is not attending some extravagant spa day with the girls, but rather being able to identify when I need to slow down and perhaps cancel that spa day,” she said.

McCartney also said an hour of mindfulness meditation and getting adequate sleep each night is critical for her.

“I’ve never needed these skills more than I have currently with global morale seemingly hitting an all-time low,” she said.

McCartney said she hopes women ― especially those with a public platform ― continue to discuss what self-care habits work for them as a way to normalize the subject. She pointed to the discourse around women in politics and how they publicly talk about what eases their stress.

“I don’t want to see our president make fun of Elizabeth Warren for being herself and putting out a video where we see her genuinely happy at home with her husband,” McCartney said. “I want Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to be validated by the media for being able to recognize that she needed a break.”

“Life is hard,” she added. “It is high time we drop the glittery facade and accept that, while happiness very much is a choice, it is dependent on our individual understanding of ourselves.”

Self-care is… ‘based on age, demographics and lifestyle.’

S. Angelique Mingo

S. Angelique Mingo is tired of reading the same narrative.

“I find mainstream media doesn’t speak to women of color about self-care,” said Mingo, a 40-year-old from New Jersey. “Self-care is a broader conversation based on age, demographics and lifestyle. … Our stressors are different and we are constantly burning the candle at both ends like, ‘You can do it all, #BlackGirlMagic.’ So finding ways to take care of ourselves when we’re usually taking care and putting others before us doesn’t feel very realistic.”

“Our stressors are different and we are constantly burning the candle at both ends like, ‘You can do it all, #BlackGirlMagic.’”

– S. Angelique Mingo

It wasn’t until about a year and a half ago that Mingo realized she was burning out. She said she had adopted unhealthy habits due to a busy schedule, which included working on new projects as the creative director at a lifestyle and communications agency as well as serving as a part-time caretaker for her grandmother.

“My mom had been nagging me to take care of myself for a long, long time. … She sat me down for a frank conversation where she said, ‘Where is my daughter? I no longer recognize you,’” Mingo said. “That evening, I looked at myself in the mirror and did not recognize myself either. It was at that moment I had to re-elevate how I was treating myself and do something about it.”

Mingo started by examining her relationship with food.

“I was always eating on-the-go, having something delivered or dining out,” she said. “When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could physically see the problems with living that way.”

She began cooking more regularly, which became a self-care ritual she can no longer live without.

“I spoil myself by indulging in my flavor cravings or trying a new recipe I see on my social media feed,” Mingo said. “It is my time to pay attention to what type of fuel I am giving my body to nourish my insides and satisfy my tastebuds.”

Mingo hopes there’s more diverse public information on what it means to take care of yourself, including advice on “how to squeeze in self-care as parents, caregivers, entrepreneurs and as we age in our retirement years.”

“More importantly, [we need] a more inclusive conversation so black and brown people no longer feel like the media does not speak to them,” she said.

Self-care is… ‘about mitigating what harm cannot be avoided.’

Stella Sacco

For Stella Sacco, self-care is a taxing act that requires being aware of ugliness ― both in personal habits and in society.

“It’s being cognizant of feelings or behavior that harm you in some way ― overwork, self-hate, conflict avoidance, etc.,” said Sacco, a 33-year-old American now living in Denmark. “Of course, in everyday life, some degree of harm is unavoidable. I will always be tired after a week of work, for example. Self-care is about mitigating what harm cannot be avoided. As a trans woman, I recognize that I will never be free of the psychic harm that transphobia causes. I cannot avoid it, so through self-care, I have to try to mitigate it.”

“As a trans woman, I recognize that I will never be free of the psychic harm that transphobia causes. I cannot avoid it, so through self-care, I have to try to mitigate it.”

– Stella Sacco

She does this by tapping into a supportive community and reframing damaging thoughts when they pop up.

“If transphobia has made my dysphoria particularly bad one day and I start zeroing in on things that are ‘masculine’ about my appearance, I recontextualize it [by reminding myself] almost anything I could hate about my body, a cis woman somewhere is feeling too,” Sacco said. “If I see the government using its power to diminish and frighten me, I recontextualize it [by thinking about how] black folks have been dealing with these kinds of monstrous laws for centuries. … History tells us there is power in solidarity, so finding it and taking it seriously is my self-care.”

Sacco said the concept of self-care “has been co-opted and marketed mostly to well-off white women” and she detests the idea that it implies avoidance ― especially when that can be more harmful in the long run.

“I hate that it tends to be portrayed as just doing whatever you feel like doing,” she said. “Part of self-care is understanding your own patterns of behavior and trying not to do things that will feed into negative patterns.”

“For example, opting not to wash the sink full of dishes today might feel like self-care when you’ve had a long week and feel like you need a break. But will those dishes sitting there contribute to you feeling bad tomorrow?” she said. “Sometimes, self-care means doing the dishes.”

Self-care is… ‘typically more difficult and less glamorous than treating yourself.’

Emily Bilek

Emily Bilek is on a mission to have her patients ― and herself ― view self-care as something greater than the “treat yo’ self” mentality on social media.

Bilek, a clinical assistant professor at the University of Michigan’s Depression Center, said the Instagram version of self-care and what it actually means to take care of yourself are two very different things.

“Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with treating yourself, and it has an important place in the priorities I set for my own time and money. However, conflating self-care and ‘treating yourself’ is misguided and potentially harmful,” Bilek, 34, said. “When self-care becomes a competitive and performative ritual on social media, it defeats its purpose.”

“When self-care becomes a competitive and performative ritual on social media, it defeats its purpose.”

– Emily Bilek

Bilek, who is also responsible for helping others come up with strategies to protect their mental health, personally chooses self-care in the form of enforcing healthy lifestyle habits. (And then breaking or adjusting as necessary.)

“Good self-care is typically more difficult and less glamorous than treating yourself,” she said. “It means doing things like having good sleep hygiene, getting a little more exercise, staying hydrated, taking medication as prescribed, eating at regular intervals, creating healthy boundaries and taking a break from social media.”

Ultimately, Bilek has to remind herself and the people she treats that self-care is hard work that’s only going to be rewarding in the end. No clever status, flattering photo filter or hashtag is going to enhance it.

“Self-care isn’t glamorous. It’s the everyday work you do for yourself to make you a little bit happier and healthy,” she said. “If I had a self-care Instagram account, it probably wouldn’t be very popular ― there are only so many creative ways to take pictures of a water bottle or broccoli ― but self-care isn’t for other people, it’s just for you.”

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Creating Welcoming Gym Environments for Trans and Gender Nonconforming Athletes

It’s no secret that working out and strength training can have positive effects on our mental health. Exercise can reduce anxiety and depression. 1,2 It can also contribute to increased self-confidence and help us feel more at-home in our bodies.

Transgender individuals tend to struggle with depression and anxiety at higher rates than the general public, due to the increased discrimination, stigma, lack of acceptance, and abuse that they often face. 3, 4 So it should follow that transgender folks are eager to come into the gym as part of their self-care and wellness routines, to reap those same benefits so many people enjoy, right?

Yet… it’s not quite that simple.

Harassment and Discrimination

A lot of people worry when they first visit a gym, and at the root of much of that worry is their fear of judgment from others.

Will everyone else be super fit?

Will it be obvious that I don’t know what I’m doing?

Will my body be ridiculed, or will my body type be noticeably different?

Am I going to be the only woman in the weight room, or the only person of color?

Do I belong here?

Daye, a trans woman, experiences a lot of anxiety going to the gym. She is only comfortable going with a friend, and avoids the locker rooms and bathrooms due to fear of being outed.

Going to the gym, says Daye, brings with it “the intimidation and fear of entering a space that doesn’t feel like it’s for me.”

Transgender and gender nonconforming folks may have even more anxiety about training in a gym than cisgender people do, and lot of that anxiety centers around locker room and bathroom access. (If these terms are new to you, please see this article for some basic information about gender identity.)

According to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey by the National Center for Transgender Equality, the majority of transgender respondents reported facing frequent harassment when using bathrooms in public places. 5

More than half (59 percent) avoided using a public bathroom in the past year due to fear of confrontation, being denied use of the facilities, or even physical or sexual assault.

Nearly one-third (31 percent) experienced discrimination, harassment, or assault while trying to access a place of public accommodation, meaning places that provide services to the public like stores, restaurants, hotels, and yes, gyms.

Tre, a transgender male, shares an experience he had while transitioning: “…there was an aggressive, muscular guy utilizing three weight benches on a day when the gym was very crowded,” he says. “I cleared away his weights so I could get a set in while he was using another bench. He started yelling transphobic and homophobic things at me, making a scene in front of all the gym patrons, and eventually threatened to follow me home and beat me up.”

Besides the threat of physical abuse, Tre’s worries largely centered around locker room and bathroom access. “Most of my gender-related issues at commercial and semi-private gyms have involved locker room access,” he says. “In the early stages of my transition when I still self-identified as female yet I was presenting and often perceived as male, I felt generally unwelcome in the women’s locker room.”

“Women… would ask me what I was doing in there, why I was in the women’s locker room, or they’d flat-out tell me to get out. When I started hormone therapy and identifying as male, I stopped going to the gym altogether because I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable in the women’s locker room, and I was afraid of using the men’s locker room.”

Mirroring Tre’s experience, one in five transgender people did not use at least one type of public accommodation in the past year because they feared they would be mistreated. 5

While these statistics are quite high, this data was collected before transgender restroom use became the subject of intense and often harmful public scrutiny in the national media and government.

Transgender people are not pretending to be something they’re not in order to victimize women and girls in public spaces.

The reality is that anti-discrimination protections allowing transgender people to use the facilities that correspond with their gender identity have been around for years, and there is no evidence that this leads to attacks in public facilities. 6

In fact, transgender people are more likely to be the victims of assault in restrooms. 7,8 Really, they just want to use restrooms — and the locker rooms — in peace and anonymity like everyone else.

Caleb, a transgender male who trains in a university gym, shares: “I am always low-key worried that I may get harassed in the locker room. I do change openly… and though I realize it’s incredibly unlikely, I fear somebody may notice and recognize my top surgery scars and question my right to be in the men’s locker room.”

Even Janae Marie Kroc, world record-holding powerlifter and bodybuilder, sometimes experiences discomfort with accessing gym bathrooms and locker rooms as a transgender female and genderfluid/nonbinary person.

Though people usually know who she is in most gyms, she still experiences “lots of stares and some level of awkwardness or people being a little uncomfortable.”

Janae describes how she changed her routine to avoid using gym locker rooms: “Typically I had to change before heading to the gym and couldn’t shower until I returned home. I tried hard to use the restroom right before leaving for the gym, because I did not feel comfortable using either of the restrooms designated as male or female due to fear of complaints from other patrons.”

She said that small “Family” locker rooms were helpful, and mostly used by individuals who needed the privacy.

Trans-Friendly Gyms Do Exist

Some gyms are making an intentional effort to be welcoming to people who span the gender spectrum. Having at least one gender-neutral private bathroom or changing area is key, but that’s just the beginning.

Morgan Vozobule is a full-time coach at CrossFit Center City and Owner of Liberty Barbell Club in Philadelphia. She describes the gym as being “a haven for members from all walks of life.” Says Morgan: “Regardless of previous athletic experience, our gym recognizes that trying the things you’ve never done before can be a deeply frightening experience. We have built this gym knowing that healthy people are defined by not only their bodies- but their relationships, their minds, and their sense of belonging.”

Asked how the gym is trans friendly and competent, Morgan says “Not only do our gym members represent the wide spectrum of LGBTQ athletes, but our staff does as well …We are moving away from the conventional idea of gendered weight recommendations, we host a free monthly trans-friendly CrossFit class called Strength in Numbers, and above all, we have created a welcoming and incredibly diverse group of members that are ecstatic to share their safe space with everyone else.”

In addition, the entire coaching staff at CrossFit Center City completed an introductory education program. “The training covered trans-inclusive language and practices, with a specific focus on the challenges that trans athletes may face,” says Morgan. “As a result, we as a collective staff can better understand the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation, appropriate language and definitions, the disproportionate marginalization the trans community faces, and how to be a better allies.”

The response to CrossFit Center City’s Strength in Numbers class has been positive. “The attendance from our own members, other affiliate members, and people who have never stepped foot in a gym before has been tremendous,” Morgan says. “Strength in Numbers has been an attempt to cultivate something much larger than a place for people to work out.”

Liberation Barbell in Portland, OR rejects the common fitness industry message that “our bodies are never enough — or more commonly — that they are too much.” Lacy Davis, who co-owns Liberation Barbell with Christina Cabrales, shares: “We are founded on the idea that physical fitness should be accessible to any body regardless of age, race, ability, gender identity, sexuality, current health, or size.” She adds that Liberation Barbell approaches fitness “through a lens of anti-oppression and with an aim to always grow and better serve the various communities that thrive in our space.”

This means that at her gym, they take the time to ask trans clients what they might like to see, and to continuously educate themselves about the actual experiences of trans people. “It is extremely important to take a moment to educate ourselves and listen.” Assuming that she and her co-owner will sometimes make mistakes, one of their core policies is “to constantly be teachable.”

“Trans and gender nonconforming people deserve to feel at home in their bodies, just like the rest of us! To me, it seems if we are excluding people from the opportunity to strengthen themselves, then we are actively screwing up,” says Lacy.

Nathalie Huerta, owner of The Queer Gym in Oakland, CA, would agree. Her gym is “a body-positive gym space free of homophobia, transphobia, and fatphobia.” Like Lacy Davis, she describes learning as an important part of her gym’s process to be transgender competent. “We genuinely wanted to learn,” she says, “and celebrate all of our queer community, not just parts of it.”

“We are the first [queer gym] in the industry… so it took us being proactive about seeking the answers to our questions and learning what was important for people under the entire queer umbrella to have in a gym space,” Nathalie says. “We spoke to members and different organizations and got the staff trained.

From there, we realized our membership base also needed this information, so we created a workshop called Queer 101. We require the staff to attend, but also open it up for our members and the community to come learn.”

Nathalie says the response to her gym has been overwhelmingly positive.“I thought someone would smash my windows or tag up our gym, but luckily [knock on wood] none of that has ever happened!”

Creating a Trans-Inclusive Gym Environment

A few key points came up repeatedly among trans gym members and the owners of transgender friendly gyms.

It is imperative that gym owners educate themselves and their staff on the discrimination trans people may face in general, and especially on the discrimination they may face in a gym environment.

Provide single stall or gender neutral bathrooms, locker rooms, and changing areas. At least one private changing area goes a long way to making trans folks feel that they can change safely at the gym.

Avoid delineating “men’s” and “women’s” workouts or weights.

Have a zero-acceptance policy against harassment that includes harassment based on gender identity. State this policy explicitly on your gym’s website.

Don’t be afraid to learn from your mistakes. “I think people believe that to invite trans and gender nonconforming people into their gyms they must be perfect, but I disagree,” says Lacy. “I think we must take care to learn and be humble when we screw up.”

Creating a gym that is welcoming to transgender athletes is not about providing special rights and privileges to a group of people. It is about leveling the playing field so that people can come into a gym environment and not worry about experiencing discrimination or difficulty specifically because they’re transgender.

“I think that starting a gym routine can be intimidating for anyone,” says Morgan, “and the pervasive, systematic isolation that members of the trans community face every day make it that much more daunting… it is our duty as wellness professionals to give each individual the tools necessary to pursue their own fitness journey.” Morgan feels strongly that gym owners can be the pioneers of “creating more inclusive establishments that broaden our community and strengthen our connections to each other.”

“It’s every person’s right to have access to a space where they’re not concerned about being physically, sexually or emotionally harassed while they’re just trying to get healthier,” adds Nathalie.

“If we limit the access of trans and gender non conforming members, we are essentially denying them the right to health, wellness, and fitness.”

References:

Paluska SA, Schwenk TL. Physical activity and mental health: current concepts. Sports Medicine. 2000;3:167-180. https://link.springer.com/article/10.2165/00007256-200029030-00003

O’Connor PJ, Herring MP, Carvalho A. Mental health benefits of strength training in adults. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. 2010;4(5):377-396. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1559827610368771

Schreiber K. Why Transgender People Experience More Mental Health Issues. Psychology Today. December 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201612/why-transgender-people-experience-more-mental-health.

Robles R, Fresán A, Vega-Ramirez H, et al. Removing transgender identity from the classification of mental disorders: a Mexican field study for ICD-11. The Lancet Psychiatry. 2016 Sep. 9(3):850-859. http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(16)30165-1/abstract

James, SE, Herman, JL, Rankin, S, Keisling, M, Mottet, L, & Anafi, M. Executive Summary of the Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality. 2016. http://www.transequality.org/sites/default/files/docs/usts/Executive%20Summary%20-%20FINAL%201.6.17.pdf

15 Experts Debunk Right-Wing Transgender Bathroom Myth. Media Matters for America. https://www.mediamatters.org/research/2014/03/20/15-experts-debunk-right-wing-transgender-bathro/198533. Published March 19, 2014.

Brady J. When A Transgender Person Uses A Public Bathroom, Who Is At Risk? NPR. Published May 15, 2016. http://www.npr.org/2016/05/15/477954537/when-a-transgender-person-uses-a-public-bathroom-who-is-at-risk

Herman, JL. Gendered Restrooms and Minority Stress: The Public Regulation of Gender and its Impact on Transgender People’s Lives. Journal of Public Management & Policy. 2013 19(1):65-80. http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Herman-Gendered-Restrooms-and-Minority-Stress-June-2013.pdf

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