#transmascs if anyone ever tries to out you just make them feel stupid

[nedsseveredhead]

Im never getting top surgery because my boobs are too fun to hold. Sorry if people cant handle my masculine tits, their loss.

[sentientgolfball]

I <3 STUPID MESSY EARTH GHOULS

i dont know why this invoked something in me but here have 700 words of Biggs (Earth) eating out Pebble

For character context: My Pebble is transmasc and Biggs is mute

Pebble didn’t know what time it was. Was it always so dark in here? Have they really been at this for so long? He doesn’t care even if it has been hours. He doesn’t have a single thought to spare. Biggs has taken everything from him with his stupid, skillful tongue. Another painfully slow lick over his little dick makes him groan. 

He loves it when Biggs gets like this. All soft and territorial at the same time. Pebble also loves to push his luck. He likes to think one day he’ll get the big guy to snap and pound him into the mattress. He tried his luck earlier at dinner, wearing an oversized shirt he snatched from Ivy to show off the fresh bruises and bites. Anyone with working eyes would know they were from Alpha, the size of the fang indent is enough. But it is also helped that Pebble insisted on asking Alpha if he ever got his chores finished. Pebble knows Biggs hates how rough Alpha treats him and the though alone is enough to get heat to pool is his stomach. He wanted to see if tonight would be the night he snapped. 

Unfortunately for him, it was not to be. Though, he can’t complain about the alternative. Biggs had come up behind him when he was putting his dishes in the sink, taking Pebble’s hand and giving it two squeezes. I want your attention. Pebble had turned to look at him for maybe a second before he darted off to his room, dragging Pebble with him. Biggs had undressed him slowly, kissing over every scale and scars. Every mark left by Alpha. He didn’t even bother with taking his own clothes off before guiding Pebble back towards the bed. Time became a blur the moment his body touched the mattress. 

He settled between Pebble’s legs and hasn’t moved since. He pressed kisses all over his thighs before he licked a long stripe over his cunt with the flat of his tongue. He swirled the forked tip around his hole before dipping inside. Tasting just to taste. This is for Biggs as much as it is Pebble. He had done that for a while, letting his long, thick tongue prod against every soft spot inside of him. Until slick was dripping down his chin. 

Now he has his lips wrapped around Pebble’s clit, giving it a slow lick or a gentle suck just to keep him hard. Biggs is content with just holding him in his mouth. He loves to feel him twitch, loves the way he drools whenever he gets even a taste of stimulation. 

“Fuck. Will you just suck me off…please?” Pebble cranes his neck to look at him. 

Who is he to deny him? He’s here to show him how much he is loved. How nice it can be when someone is gentle with you. He swipes his tongue over the plump little bundle of nerves and the noise Pebble makes can only be described as wounded. Biggs presses his hips into the mattress when he throbs against his lips. 

“Yeah just like that keep doing that oh shit–” Pebble keens when he feels two thick finger prodding at his slick entrance.

Biggs slides them in with ease. He’s already nice and wet and open from cumming when he first got his mouth on him. He pets against Pebble’s upper wall gently, searching for the spot that will surely make his eyes cross. His cock kicks where its trapped against the mattress with the sound Pebble makes when he finds it. He settles into a rhythm, alternating sucking on his little dick and curling his fingers. Biggs knows he close with the way he begins to rock against him, thighs shaking around his head. 

“Keep doing that yeah fuck let me cum in your mouth please don’t wanna waste it,’ he babbles as Biggs continues his steady pace. 

His words melt into little high pitched uh uh uh’s with every stroke. It doesn’t take much longer before Pebble is arching off the mattress, claws tearing at the sheets. His ears ring with the force of his orgasm and it takes him a moment to reailze he can feel wetness spreading around him, dripping down his ass. Biggs growls low in his throat when the taste of Pebble’s squirt hits his tongue. 

He doesn’t pull away even as Pebble shakes.

[spin-birdie]

kinktober day 8: stuck in a wall/hole/magic portal

prompt list

word count: ~590

pairing: tav (oc)/astarion

rating: mature

additional tags: transmasc tav

"I'll have you know I took a calculated risk, alright?"

Astarion's airy laughter just makes Thorn bristle with shame. He feels a hand pat the center of his back; the closest thing to his shoulders Astarion can reach.

"And it clearly paid off, didn't it?" he snarks. "Squeezing through a gnome-sized hole in full adamantine armour…really, who ever could have foreseen that going wrong?"

"Will you just help me or not?!" Thorn whinges. He's just glad Astarion can't see his face; the intense prickling in his cheeks and the stinging behind his eyes would only fuel his ribbing.

"Alright, alright. Hold still."

"Not like I have a choice in the matter," Thorn huffs, as he feels Astarion's arms around his waist.

Astarion counts down from three, and tries to yank Thorn backwards. It would work a treat, if his stupid shoulder plates weren't stuck on the wall. He should have taken them off, at the very least. Hells, he should have just doffed it all.

Then again, there's every chance that would just mean he got stuck in the wall with significantly less clothes on. Waiting for Astarion to find him with his ass sticking out. The mental image reminds him of his days in Baldur's Gate, when he was going to festhalls almost every night. His imagination quickly wanders.

Astarion's hold on him is a good deal tighter than the way most people grabbed him in festhalls, but the memory of countless pairs of arms manhandling him, groping his ass, lifting his hips off the ground to pound deeper into his inexperienced pussy - it all sends a bolt of arousal straight to his dick.

Then his legs abruptly fall back to the floor, and he hears Astarion swear, followed by a thud.

"A-Are you okay?" Thorn calls.

He hears Astarion groan again, and the subtle crunch of rubble as he gets to his feet. "Yes, I'm alright," he calls back. "But you're very, very stuck."

"No shit," Thorn snips. He wiggles, trying to find a more comfortable angle to stand. "I feel exposed," he grimaces.

After a moment, he hears Astarion scoff. "You'd be a very appetizing sight, if you weren't actually stuck," he admits.

Thorn huffs bashfully. "I feel like I'm stuck in one of those…I don't know the word. What are the glory holes, but for your lower body instead of your mouth?"

"What--? I think those are still just glory holes, darling."

"Wouldn't be the first time I've been in one," Thorn blurts out.

"Really?" Astarion sounds genuinely surprised.

"Yes? I…uh, I spent a lot of time in festhalls, after my surgery. I think I've told you before."

"You-- That's right, you've mentioned it. But not in much detail…"

His hand is resting on the small of Thorn's back. Thorn shifts his hips a little, and that hand slides a little bit lower. He swallows.

"I liked it," he says. "I got to have fun without having to show my face to anyone. It was all…anonymous. I don't know. Anyway…" he giggles nervously. He's giving Astarion a chance to break the tension, to change the subject, if he wants.

His stomach swoops when Astarion lifts up the skirt of his armor instead. "Astarion?" he squeaks. There's a nervous edge in his voice, but he's grinning to himself as Astarion squeezes his ass.

"I mean, if we have the opportunity…" Astarion purrs, "we might as well make the most of it, no?"

Thorn spreads his legs as far as he can, heart thrumming in anticipation. "Might as well."

[bugdogg]

💬🏳️‍🌈 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 💖🍳 ryu and blanch maybe ?😭srry i rly wanna know more abt them

IS FINE, I GOTTA TALK ABOUT THEM MORE ANYWAY! ^W^

💬 - What are some filler/buffer words they use? (Like, um, etc.)

For Blanch, she uses "alright" and "whatever" in her speech a lot, but more often she adds unnecessary cursing to her sentences (she often isn't even angry, it's just a habit). She has a very brash or harsh way of speaking and often times the words she uses implies she's pissed off about something.

For Ryu, they use a lot of "uh"s and "um"s in their sentences and also has a habit of going "eh..." when they finish talking. He speaks in a very slow, laid back way and despite how long it takes him to talk he still tends to not be certain in what he's saying.

🏳️‍🌈 - What do they identify as? What are their pronouns?

(mentioning now: all three my ocs are based on me in some way. For me, identity and labels are very confusing, so all of their identities are kinda undefined as I'm still trying to figure it out myself)

I don't really want to label them right now but Blanch's pronouns are she/her and Ryu's pronouns are he/them.

I'd say for like a basic idea of how I view them is Blanch doesn't like labels really and could be agender but she wouldn't call herself that, and Ryu is transmasc!

(actually a good summary, at least for me, is Mizuki: doesn't know, Blanch: doesn't care, Ryu: does know and does care!)

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 - Do they have any siblings?

Blanch probably had a younger sister she used to care for, I think she'd take the older sister role seriously but would have also been a bully, simultaneously. She lost touch w that sibling after moving out, I don't think she and her family get along at all but I'm sure she'd still stalk her sister's socials to make sure she's okay.

Ryu would've been the middle child I think, they keep in touch w their family and I think have a good relationship w their older sibling but a hint of resentment for the younger one. I think if Ryu introduced Ichimatsu to his family they'd all just go "Oh good, you found someone to connect with." and Ryu would just look so tired.

💖 - How and how often do they try to impress their partner(s)? How and how often do their partner(s) impress them?

Blanch doesn't care for other's opinions on her and never sets out to impress anyone, but I think Choromatsu at least is impressed by her ability to be both insanely hostile and still smart and successful. He'd probably see her as a cartoonish-brute at first but is surprised to see she's actually pretty smart and grows to respect her more, as she also does w him (somewhat).

Choro would often try to impress her I think by trying to one up her in arguments or anything. At first it'd be to try to feed his own ego or feel better about himself, then he'd fail and would actually start trying to impress her. Unintentionally, I think Choro would impress Blanch by being very resilient, something every matsu sorta has but she'd still admire his stupid persistence at trying to win a constantly losing battle.

Ryu tries to impress people by spewing worthless facts... (not really) they don't have any interest in a partner, and, w Ichi and Oso, doesn't feel the need to impress them. Ryu is used to being considered mediocre and has sorta accepted it, he doesn't care to impress people who he doesn't think will ever care so he just talks about things he likes and see's who sticks around to listen.

Ichi and Oso wouldn't care to impress him, I'm pretty sure. All three's dynamic is mostly based around being very chill and just existing together. Maybe occasionally, Ichi would try to do something to get some kind of approval from them but that's about it.

🍳 - How well can they cook?

Blanch is a good cook, she isn't the kind to make some new recipe on the spot or anything but she's memorized how to make some things and is very good at being precise w it. She mostly learned the skills as she started traveling w her bandmates. She already had some skills from making things for her sister back home so she volunteered to make meals when they couldn't afford to eat somewhere and got better as they went.

Ryu can't cook, at all, he can cook things in the microwave, and somewhat follow the directions on the back of the pizza box. But besides that, he doesn't know how to do a lot, and I think they would somehow burn a salad.

[boydiisaster]

hi !! I really liked what you wrote w/ trans mc coming out :DD (im trans myself and reading it made me cry happy tears at 1 am) could I request more trans mc- but after they've come out? Like during their transition or something? Thanks a bunch!! <3

trans MC my beloved

reader: transmasc, male, he/him

tw/cw: dysphoria mention

author's note: yay!!! i'm so glad you liked it- i'm trans, too! i hope you like this, as well- i'm not sure if you wanted a ftm MC or just a trans MC in general, so if you'd like me to rewrite this i'd be more than happy to! i love writing trans MC content, it literally makes my day <3

lucifer

So romantic with you when you first told him you wanted to transition. Offered to pay all your bills, and unlike Mammon, he can actually afford to.

"What, are you like my sugar daddy now or something?" you joked, poking him in the chest.

"If that's what my boyfriend wants me to be," he replied with a smirk.

(I'd burst into tears if Lucifer ever called me his boyfriend. Gender dysphoria: poof, gone.)

Makes an effort to always call you by your name, even if he doesn't have to.

"Can you go grab MC for me? I need MC right now so we can discuss his current grades."

If you take shots of testosterone, Lucifer will gladly inject them if need be. But if you want to do it by yourself, he's fine with that, too. Just allow him to stand by, in case something goes wrong. He really cares for you, and doesn't want you getting hurt.

mammon

When he first heard you wanted to transition, he was ecstatic. His love language is gift giving, and he wants to buy you everything that you need for your transition.

He was also the first person you told about this, and it really boosted his ego.

"Of course you'd trust the Great Mammon with this! I'm so trust worthy, it's obvious why you chose me-"

"Shut up and kiss me, oh 'Great Mammon.'"

Mammon tries daily to give you masculine compliments. Like, he tries so hard it hurts. You could be putting up groceries or something and he pops up out of seemingly no where to tell you that "You put up those groceries so masculine-like, MC."

He doesn't really understand, but he's got the spirit.

He'd pay for your transition if you'd let him. How, exactly? He doesn't really know, but he'd find a way for you <3

He's definitely like a supportive mother who doesn't really know what to do, but wants to do something to show that she supports you when you come out. You catch him sneaking mini pride flags or those cringey Amazon pride shirts into your room at 3 in the morning.

You wear them, just to make him happy, and his brothers most definitely tease you for it.

leviathan

Another one who doesn't really know what to do. He's had friends online that were trans, sure, but what if he messes something up with you?

(You're not gonna mess anything up, don't worry, Levi)

I want to say that he'd unironically buy you that Miku binder, but Levi has been online for so long that he knows that he probably shouldn't.

... He'd still ask to, though, just for the meme, followed by a swift punch to the arm by his ever-so-loving boyfriend.

"OW!"

"You're such a nerd.... I love you."

Not very off-brand for him, but Levi definitely recommends you anime and manga that have good trans representation.

satan

Satan is trans too, idc what you say. Am I just projecting onto my favorite fictional characters? Probably so, but it's fine.

Remember when I said Mammon buys you cringey trans pride stuff? Yeah, he did that with Satan, too. Satan still has all of the cheesy posters and tee shirts stuffed in the back of his closet, away from where anyone can see.

... When he's alone though, he definitely lounges around in the shirts and laughs to himself.

"We can form an alliance, MC. 'Trans Guys Suffering From Mammon's Stupid Gifts.'"

Much like Levi, Satan recommends you books with good trans rep. He also bakes you cake or anything else you want if you're feeling especially down.

(I headcanon that Satan loves baking okay, shut up-)

If you ever want to go to Pride with him, he'll be a little antsy at first, but buy him a couple of trans pride cat pins and he'll love it.

asmodeus

Two words: shopping spree

Takes you to all the hottest clothing shops to buy you clothes that make your dysphoria better

If you don't experience much dysphoria? Still takes you out shopping, anyways.

Hey! Shopping is fun, okay? >:(

Calls you lots of masculine compliments that give you gender euphoria. "Sir" and "Mister MC" are his favorites, just cus of the way you roll your eyes and giggle at him when he does.

Asmo loves it when his boyfriend smiles, it's the cutest sight in all of three worlds. Minus him, of course.

beelzebub

He's also trans, fuck you.

He's apart of you and Satan's alliance.

More subtle than his brothers: he doesn't do anything extravagant when you tell him you'd like to transition, just nods his head and pulls you in for a bone-crushing hug.

"I have work out routines we can try to build up muscle, if you want?"

"That sounds great, Beel, but please let go, I can't breathe-"

Another one I think would buy you trans stuff he finds online, except way less cringey, like pride pins or flags.

He also buys the two of you pride themed food to eat together <3

belphegor

You were so nervous when you told him, like, to the point you were stumbling over words. When you finally got it out that you'd like to transition, Belphie just blinked at you.

"That's all? Well, okay. What pronouns do you want me to use for you from now on?"

Catches onto everything very easily. He'll sometimes nuzzle his face into the crook of your neck and just mutter masculine praises so quietly you hardly hear him, but you catch a "handsome boy" and "darling boyfriend" here and there.

He'll still call you a dumb fucking loser though, but lovingly, I swear-

[disabled-bnha-abandoned-blog]

BNHA “cringe interest” headcanons:

Hehe we’re back onto the “cringe” headcanons again. I love these so so much so please don’t mind my headcanon dump. (also half of these are just me projecting so- )

- Mina loves Littlest Pet Shop. When she was younger she’d pretend she could talk to her stuffies like the one girl could talk to the actual animals. When she’s older she still does this when she’s overwhelmed or just feels like it!

- Bakugou and Izuku have a beanie baby collection! Their grandparents had them and passed them onto the two of them. They’d trade and play with them, and honestly when they’re older they’d most definitely trade half of their fortunes for one of those rare ones.

- I was telling you earlier how I enjoy watching “childish” shows because I enjoy the simplicity of them, so would Tokoyami and Shirakumo and Midnight. Tokoyami’s favorites would be Daniel Tiger and Tangled: The Series, Oboro’s would also be Tangled: The Series, and Micky Mouse (he was a Disney kid apparently), and then Midnight’s would be some random shows from channel 34.6 (heh, numbers vary ig) or something.

- Aoyama would use glitter pens. He’s also really like scratch and sniff stickers, probably because there’s so many different things you could stick them on! She’d also use scrunches and hydroflasks. They’d also have a bunch of flip-sequins.

- Kiri. Everything about him screams Disney kid. (don’t mind me slipping in some transmasc Kiri btw) He’d adore Mulan for being so strong and “manly”. He’d sit and wish that he was brave enough to make himself look more like a boy, but then his moms noticed and let him do what he wanted with his appearance :D. He went to Disney land when he was a kid, and he was so confused by all the English but no matter. He still considers it the best day of his life!

- Todoroki and Denki and Sero radiate fidget spinners energy. They probably thought they were stupid when they first came out, but they tried them once and refuse to ever leave without one.

- Ochaco and Tsu were Gacha kids. And they were good at it too. They spend hours on their OCs and hyperfixate on making their videos to the best quality they can. Anyone who tells them they’re “cringe” get a nice king flight or a frog thunge sling shot.

- Also, Uraraka wears flip sequins as well.

- Also since people seem to consider Danganronpa as “cringe” I’m going to make it where the Rooftop Squad loved it. And, to make it better, they each liked one of the games more than the other. Aizawa liked THH the most, Midnight liked UDG most, Oboro liked the second most, and Hizashi liked the last one most.

- Izuku, Tokoyami, Hagakure, Ojirou, Kouda, all like to RP.

- And then, ofc, I can’t leave out the best one:

Class 1A with their Wild Kratts marathons

Leslie I am speechless

this is FUCKING AMAZING OH MY LORD

Please- your headcanons are so good

[latter-day-saint-nick]

Transmascs and the Not-Like-Other-Girls Syndrome

Much has been said about the Not-Like-Other-Girls Syndrome already. We as a society seem to have largely accepted that it is a sexist attitude, and I am not here to dispute that. Hating on girly girls for the way they perform femininity doesn’t help anyone. That said, I’ve seen a few posts recently pointing out that girls with NLOGS tend be gender non-conforming teens and young adults who were bullied and ostracised by other girls, and so have a hard time trusting traditional femininity, as they connect it with their abusers. Therefore we should be spending just as much time, maybe even more, telling girly girls to accept tomboys as we do vice versa, and the fact that we don’t shows how much we still cling to society’s ideas of acceptable femininity.

This got me thinking about my own experiences, which I suspect other transmascs will be able to relate to. See, I definitely had a phase as a teenager when I hated most girls and things connected to femininity, including aspects of myself that I considered girly. This was misogynist and wrong and kind of unhealthy. I’m not going to pretend differently. That said, looking back, I can see that much of this hatred came from being a trans boy who hadn’t been given the tools to understand that he was, in fact, allowed to be a boy. Being grouped with girls who I seemed to have so little in common with often made me feel lonely and miserable. To be fair, chances are I wouldn’t have been all that happy being grouped with the boys either, since I wasn’t interested in sports and cars and boobs (that’s what straight teenage boys are into, right?). Even if I’d been raised as a boy, I was still queer and neurodivergent, so that coloured all my childhood experiences.

Anyway, many of my gripes about girls were unfair. I shouldn’t have been annoyed by them for being obsessed with make-up and dieting, even though I found these things stupid. Instead I should have reserved my ire for a patriarchal society that teaches women from a young age that they are worthless unless they are thin and cover up their natural faces. Yes, I realise all that now. But, and this is an important but, my experiences had shown me that it is a short step from “I’m a girl and I care about make-up and dieting” to “all girls should care about make-up and dieting, and the fact that you don’t means there’s something wrong with you”. While there were times I have been shamed by cis men for being insufficiently feminine, most of the shaming came from cis girls and women. Usually it wasn’t even done in a mean-spirited way. Most of these girls and women genuinely thought they were helping me by instructing me on how I should dress or what I should do with my hair. Like we were characters in a teen rom-com, and I was the ugly duckling who is given a make-over by her friends and finally gets to dance with the cute guy.

As always when I discuss transmasculinity, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here. I am fully aware of the fact that to many people make-up and pretty dresses are fun and empowering. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with being a woman, just because I decided that it wasn’t for me. But the fact that I even feel like I have to give this disclaimer all the time shows how much more we seem to value the feelings of cis women who embrace femininity over those of women and afabs who reject it. Even when I’m including trans men in my writing, I always have to make sure to show them having positive relationships with the women around them, sometimes in ways that don’t really match my own experiences, lest readers think that these characters just choose to be men because of internalised misogyny. Yeah, that’s a terf rhetoric, but it seems to be common enough that I actively feel the need to combat it at every turn.

But let me make things perfectly clear: to me, personally, traditional femininity was a prison. I hated so many things about it, and I hated the way girls my age and adult women alike were pressuring me to look a certain way and be a certain way. Even now when I see YouTube videos of women talking about the importance of a good skincare routine, I just feel exhausted and wonder how anyone could find joy in that. Once I was old enough to realise that it didn’t matter what other people thought, that I could just cut my hair short and wear fun, comfy clothes, the pressure didn’t stop. And, yeah, that’s how I came down with a serious case of NLOGS. But it’s important to bear in mind that for one thing, of course I wasn’t like other girls - I wasn’t a girl at all. And for another, I had in fact had many negative interactions with girls. Even ones that were perfectly fine one-on-one could turn insufferable in a larger group.

So, yes, those of us who are trans or gnc shouldn’t characterise traditionally girly girls as stupid and shallow. We should all respect each other’s life choices in how we express our genders. But remember that the pressure to perform femininity in a certain way only comes from one side. You don’t get baby butches telling their classmates things like “I don’t know why you keep your hair this long. You’d look so good with an undercut!” or “How do you expect to get a girlfriend dressed like that? Have you ever tried wearing flannels and Doc Martens?” So why should gnc girls and transmascs have to put up with constant comments and criticism on our appearance and then pretend that feminine cis women have never been our oppressors?

[rafaelsonny]

akdkskd could you do a fic with Trans!Sonny and Barba finding out, and Sonny ends up super scared and has a panic attack, but Barba is super duper supportive and loves him so much anyway? :D

you got it homie. thanks for the request!! It took awhile cuz i consulted with like 2 other transmasc people kdjdjdj but i also just went basic so I hope you like !!!

Summary: Sonny goes back to the station after he is assaulted while undercover at the homeless shelter. He needs to change and does so in the locker room, Barba walks in on him changing and yeah I said basic lol. 

Sonny’s entire body ached. The people who hit him with a bat had really fucked him up. His ribs were sore, and binder felt just a little too tight. He had an emergency sports bra in his locker, but he really needed to get back to the homeless shelter.

He let out a hiss as he pulled the oversized hoodie off. His bruised back and sides making it difficult to lift his arms. The binder was going to be awful to get off since it was much tighter than the hoodie, but he needed to get it off.

Standing in the middle of the locker room, he felt the cool air hit his skin providing some relief to his aching body. He took a moment to just stand there in the cool room, sinking down onto a bench and just allowing himself to rest and breathe.

He was so wrapped in his relaxation he didn’t hear the faint knock, (who knocks it’s a communal locker room) and the door swing open.

“Detective, I’m sorry to interrupt but I was hoping to catch you before–” Sonny instantly swiveled his head, eyes widening as much as they could, hands instinctively reaching for his hoodie and pulling it to cover his binder. Sonny knew Barba had seen, and knew the man wasn’t stupid.

Barba froze in his spot, taking a step back, reading the situation and Sonny’s expression of fear.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were changing. I shouldn’t have come in so suddenly. Come find me afterwards when you’re ready.” the professionalism slipping on so easily.

“Sure thing, Counselor.” he forced the words out in hopes of having him leave quickly. The lump in his throat making it difficult to speak. There’s no way Barba didn’t know now.

The worst thing is that he liked Barba. He was going to tell him, eventually, maybe, probably never. What if it ruined things between them? What if Barba looked at him differently? What if he treated him differently?

The thoughts ate at Sonny so much he forgot to swap out his chest binder and just putting on his hoodie as quickly as possible. His heart pounding against his chest as he was counting his breaths knowing he was close to a panic attack.

It took him a few minutes to calm himself down. Barba wouldn’t tell anyone would he?

He had forgotten Barba still wanted to talk to him. His hands clammed up. He would just need to get it over with. The tone of the conversation would be set by the earlier interaction he just knew it.  

Taking a deep breath, he mentally prepared himself for the impending conversation. He fixed up his hair a bit and straight himself out, pulling at the front of his hoodie to make sure no lumps or bumps could be seen, a thing he does subconsciously now.

Opening the door, he sees Barba standing a few feet away on his phone texting or answering an email. His mouth goes dry and Barba’s beautiful eyes flick up at him. He gives him a polite smile. Oh God, why is being so nice, he pities him. He feels bad for him.

“Good, you’re here, I wanted to talk to you.” Barba starts off, as if nothing happened.

“About what?” he tried to hide the shakiness in his voice.

Barba seems to notice his anxiety. “Would you like to talk about this in private?” he asks. Sonny nods. Barba leads them to the room they use when talking to children. Sonny has no clue what it is he wants to speak to him about. There’s no banter on the way there. No quick quips and Sonny feels the disappointment ebbing away at him.

They get there an Sonny can’t handle it.

“Counselor.” Sonny starts. Barba looks at him, “about earlier.”

Barba nods, “Yes, I apologize for walking in on you, I did knock but I suppose you didn’t hear me. However, I should have waited for a response. You have a right to your privacy.”

Sonny doesn’t know why he’s so polite all of a sudden.

“I don’t want you treatin’ me any differently now that you know. I’m still the same Sonny. You don’t have to be walkin’ on eggshells now.”

Barba looked confused, “I’m not treating with my endearing sarcasm because you’ve just been physically assaulted at a homeless shelter. I’m treating you how I would treat anyone I’m defending, with some care and tact. I want to know if you wanted to press charges.”

Sonny was taken for a loop. Relieved that Barba was treating him with the kid gloves because of the assault and not because of who he is.

“I see no other reason to treat you different. Don’t worry, this special treatment isn’t permanent, you’ll go back to being harshly criticized when you’re back from undercover.” he gives him a reassuring smirk.

Sonny blinks in surprise because this is not how he thought this conversation would go. This is not the reason he thought he’d potentially be treated differently by someone he respected and admired.  

“I appreciate that.” Sonny replied; his voice laced with gratitude. “But nah, I don’t wanna press charges.”

“If that’s what you want.” Barba nods, his face softens and looks around before stepping closer and saying, “Please, try and be careful. I know a lot of the time it’s out of your control but…”

Sonny felt his heart beating faster for a different reason this time.

“Well, it doesn’t matter.” he shrugs and begins to leave and stops at the doorway turns his head to say, “If you ever want to talk, stop by my office. I will say, you’re not the only one.”

It took a moment for Sonny to realize what he was talking about and his eyes widened and before he could say anything Barba was gone. A whirlwind in his life. Sonny was left alone in the room absolutely smitten.

[barzum-and-baizli]

1,2,3,4?

1) I’m aroace and agender. he/him are my pronouns.

2 and 4) It took me so fucking long. I have probably thought i was every letter anyone has ever put in the acronym before finally settling. I first thought I was a lesbian in middleschool because I mentioned I had never had a crush on any boys and a girl I was friends with said that meant I was a lesbian so I identified as that for a while.

When I went to highschool, I sort of realized I felt the same for everyone, so I started identifying as “demisexual”(which…. i thought meant what pansexual means because someone i met at camp ided as demi-pansexual and i got them mixed up LMFAOOOO).

After that, I stopped thinking about my sexuality and kinda just was like “no i’m cishet” because I was in a really shitty position surrounded by a bunch of “ironic” lgbtphobia.

Then I learned about asexuality on a forum my friend at the time ran. She immediately started mocking and laughing at the person who was asexual in the mod chat and talking about how it was fake, how it was a disorder, and how people were so stupid that they can’t realized how fucked up they are and shit. 

Despite her reaction, I started considering that was what I was. But I also started iding as a lesbian again, instead of aromantic or just asexual, because I didn’t want to be “completely fucked up” in my own words because of her reaction to it.

This was also around the time I first tried to come out to someone. It was to her. We were getting lunch together and I only subtly hinted at my orientation and she immediately started mocking me and telling me I should ask a doctor about it. That was when I stopped iding as asexual again and kind of forced myself into a few bad situations online to try and “help fix” myself. Don’t force yourself into sexual situations, kids.

After a while, I stopped talking to the people who where this toxic and left the school club I was in that was filled with them. A few months before I left, I started IDing as a lesbian again, not asexual this time. Once I was finally out, I started questioning my gender. The first thing I Ided as was agender, but I was kind of still “testing the waters” with it and still used she/her pronouns and didn’t tell anyone about it for several years. I also started IDing as demisexual again(I had the right definition this time) because I still considered asexuality to be “fucked up”.

After a little while, and one of my new friends mentioning asexuality in a positive light, I started IDing as asexual again, and mentioning it to them. That was the first time I ever heard someone say something positive about asexuality. I was still iding as a lesbian at this time.A couple years passed, and I slowly started Iding as a biromantic asexual because I felt the same for men and women and was still terrified of being aro/ace and fucking ace discourse was picking up which definitely contributed to this lmfaoooooo. There’s a very specific kind of dread that comes with never having seen any positive mention of your sexuality, being given one sliver of hope, then being thrust back into the cold hard reality that even the people you hoped would understand fucking hate you that definitely can cause you to misidentify. I also started using he/she/they pronouns at this time, still IDing as agender. I call this the “natter” phase because this was when fucking natter was popular.

Anyways, after that, I slowly started Iding as A trans man for a while because I realized a lot of my body and social issues were SEVERE GENDER DYSPHORIA(transmeds fuck off that’s not what made me trans. I knew I was NB before I realized how bad my dysphoria was) lmaooooo. I came out as one to my dad, picked a name, etc etc etc. All of THAT stuck, I’m still going by the same name, pronouns, etc. For a while then, I also started considering myself aromantic and gay. because I was okay with sex and for some reason, aromanticism felt ‘safer’ than asexuality.

Then finally, started IDing as Agender again, still transmasc, he/him pronouns, still on T, still ‘medically transitioning’. Plus, I pulled my head out of my ass and stopped trying to label my sexuality on what I think is ‘less fucked up’ and actually label my actual orientation.

I still definitely struggle severely with hating my sexuality. My nervous system and cardiovascular system make sure that whenever its even mentioned my heartrate spikes and chest physically hurts and it doesn’t appear to plan on getting better any time soon. So that’s that. But at least I’m not trying to put a bandaid on feeling fucked up anymore.

tl;dr: I ided as everything but aro/ace for a long time because I thought aro/ace was bad and broken and fucked up because i first learned about it through someone calling someone who ided as aro/ace as bad and broken and fucked up.

3) This is kind of a short one after that massive fucking rant but I get misgendered a lot and usually I just fucking ignore it lmao

[ileaveclawmarks]

thank you for the very sweet response, it’s definitely immeasurably worse when other dykes reflect lesbophobic shit at you or otherwise project their own insecurities regarding their lesbianism onto you. this girl had also told me she kind of felt butch/femme roles were “reductive” so i guess it figures but of course it still hurts and makes me feel stupid. i think there’s just a sect of femme dykes who haven’t properly dealt with their own internalized shit and as a result end up projecting a lot of that onto mascs/butches… so i really have to thank you too for being so candid about your desire and love for us. seriously

Really quick, my thoughts on the butch femme discourse: u can really only consider it to be “reductive” if u believe that masculine women = men. Like i know that there can be a lot of nuance to this topic when it comes down to individuals, u cant deny that hetero porn and dynamics influence us to such a pervasive degree that there must be some lesbians out there who do emulate it in their sex lives. But at the end of the day if ur gonna equate butch femme to heterosexuality then ur coming at it with the belief that butches are men, want to mimic men, and draw their character from men. Simply not true especially since butches r some of the most anti-men people u will ever meet (obvi trans men may have a different relationship with this but ultimately the trans men and transmascs i know + luv are generating their own sense of what it means to be a man, not what im talking about above). And in the same breath ur saying that femme lesbians want to be the subject of male-esque objectification and relationship dynamic.

However. Just like u said, a lot of femmes r so ensconced in patriarchal practices that they can lose their bearing on what this is all about. I personally cant stand the whole “femmes perform femininity in a lesbian way/not for men but for women/u can tell when a feminine woman is a lesbian because she does femininity ~differently~” sort of thing. Im sure uve seen this rhetoric before in some way or another. Its bullshit. Femininity is femininity, full stop. Men dont care who ur wearing ur short skirt and pink platforms and cherry earrings and waxed fckin baby legs for as long as youre obeying their rules. And you are. I mean, we r lesbians for fucks sake but ur perceived sense of beauty still rests upon the standards of men as a crutch. once u realize this its easy to see how some of them might never really get over that internalized shit … if thats whats in ur head as a femme lesbian how r u gonna be able to understand and interpret ur relationship with a true dyke? How r u gonna know what she wants from u?

Obviously i still have a lot of life experience ahead of me and a lot more understanding to do but it took me a really long time to realize who and what exactly i was put on earth to love and appreciate, and even then ive never felt desire for anything or anyone but dykes + butches. I couldnt pretend otherwise if i tried. So to me the candidness comes easily … if that makes sense. I wish i could extend the sentiment 2 u and all other masculine lesbians whove been hurt by someone elses internalized conditioning. Im glad u know my feelings r sincere