#toss a coin to your stan account

[zenosanalytic]

Yeah. And the reason they're SAYING they want to do it, "Cuz Furrners are SPYING on US CITIZENS!!!" is 1)Pure Undiluted Warmongering about China, and 2)Complete bullshit cuz the consortium they want to SELL IT to, Liberty Strategic Capital, is Funded By Saudi Arabia.

Like: I fail to see how having the most popular social media for USians under 30 owned by Prince Bonesaw instead of ByteDance(and, by extension, partially the CCP since all companies in China must include a CCP oversight board) is SAFER or ~More Patriotic~ or Whatever bullshit line they're pushing on the subject.

And Furthermore, even if they WERE wanting to hand it over to a USian company that company would JUST BE USING IT TO SPY ON THEIR USERS TOO, cuz that's just the business model for social media. And all this is leaving aside the constitutional issue here, which is that passing a law forcing a company to sell itself is A Bill of Attainder, which is prohibited by the US Constitution.

hey since it's coming up again: no it's not a good thing that the government wants to ban tiktok. no you should not be glad that the government might ban tiktok. no you should not respond to this with "good riddance" or "hurry up I hate that app". I should not have to explain this to you but the government banning a social media app is still a bad thing even if you don't like the UI or booktok or having to say "unalive" or how you think it's killing the very notion of attention spans. It's still bad. It's bad.

[awitcheress]

Jaskier's new lamp...

@0dde11eth @thedemonofcat @ahh-fxck @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account @everything-but-the-not-natural @

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

y'know what? yeah. netflix witcher SHOULD just end after season 3. not bc of henry leaving but because nothing they adapt next will ever top the way they fucking laced s2 with the most profound fucking yennskier interactions out of fucking nowhere

[awitcheress]

What if I promise to grind you?

Hmmm

@0dde11eth @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account @thedemonofcat @help-help-i-need-an-adult

I do not respect the grind. Go to bed

[cherryjuicegf]

i'll stay because

Five times Jaskier stays and one time Yennefer understands the reason.

for @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account the bestest birthday buddy in the world, happy birthday hannah!! i wish you allll the nice things in life 🥰 || 3.6k, E, fluff and hurt/comfort [ao3]

i.

The first time, Yennefer doesn’t ask.

She couldn’t if she wanted to. 

The wind blows right onto her face and it feels like a slap, yet somehow deserving. And she sits there, legs dangling over the void, the snow covered ground so far and yet so close. Just a too hard blow of the wind. She may take it though. If there’s one thing she’s used to, it’s hard blows. From everywhere. And yet, oh, it never ceases to hurt.

It’s cold and Geralt has stepped inside with Ciri long ago and she knows she has to go too, help clean up the mess she was the one to cause in the first place. She remembers the blood puddles on the floor, one of them hers. Shivers.

“It’s cold.”

She startles slightly and turns around, and wonders why her shoulders slump at the sight of Jaskier. He’s smiling at her. Staring. There’s something unsettling about his eyes, dark. Wailing with heartache and another little broken piece added that only she can discern, of all people, because she’s so used to counting her own pieces, telling them apart. When something looks different, she knows.

She shrugs, raises an eyebrow. “You can always return inside. Enjoy the…” she huffs, a humourless thing as she nods to him, his worn out clothes, the keep itself. “Luxury.”

Jaskier’s smile quivers and only then she lowers her eyes, previously fixed on his face, and registers a bundle in his arms, a woolen blanket. Of course, he’s taken care. He should. It’s a cold place.

The wind blows and she thinks, a cold place but not just because of the weather.

Yet Jaskier doesn’t return inside. He only sighs, silent, and glances at her. It’s so warm for some reason, his look, and it’s been so long since she felt safe under a gaze. He doesn’t return inside. Instead, he walks up to her, unfolds the blanket and before she manages to part her lips, ask a question she hadn’t even thought of yet, he throws the blanket on her shoulders, and wraps it around her, carefully. 

He squeezes her shoulders. Just for a moment, just for her breath to hitch. And when he retracts his hands, she realizes they were warmer than the blanket.

She looks at him and he looks back, and the smile is ever present, only a little sadder than she remembered. Or than she ever deigned to consider. It can’t be, the way he stares as though waiting to catch the question ready to spill from her lips and slip it back inside, it can’t be, he knows what she’s going to say.

The wind blows between their silence and the blow is shared. 

The first time, she doesn’t ask, and if she did, she wouldn’t have gotten an answer. 

Instead, she nods, ever so faintly, and tightens the blanket around her. And after some moments, she feels a warm hand creeping up to meet hers, and holding tight.

ii.

The sound of the bottle smashing on the floor rings in her ears and maybe she threw it with too much force, maybe, but her head is spinning and her throat is hoarse from shouting and the way Geralt looks at her. Gods. She wants to hate him. She wants to claw his eyes off.

She storms past him in the hallway and doesn’t even think of looking back, lest she gives in, lest she forgives him once more because yes, of course it’s her fault, all is her fault and she’s not to be trusted and he’s the protector and it’s his duty as though she doesn’t adore the girl, as though she will burn her alive, as though he doesn’t know . 

He knew once. Her.

The door slams behind her with a loud thud and she growls curses under her breath and realizes she walked to the library. The dress is too tight on her, the collar too choking and she wants to rip her own skin off and she screams. “Fucking asshole!”

A deep breath and then she pauses. Movement. She raises her head.

Two blue eyes are staring at her wide and she’s tired, too tired of searching behind eyes, too tired of guessing. “Can you not tail behind our back for this fucking once, bard?” she hisses and the words echo so wrong and it’s not fair but it never is, and her heart is beating so fast she would burn everything to the ground once more if she could. “Why the fuck do you stay here anyway?”

Distantly she registers that she’s shaking. 

A voice. “Yennefer.” Distant.

She closes her eyes. Nails digging into her palm. “Go away,” she hears herself saying and her voice quivers like fragile glass but then she feels arms crawling around her and she squirms violently, punches the air and her fist meets his chest hard. “No, leave!” She punches again, once, twice, and suddenly her knees are giving in and the third time her fist is weak and her voice weaker, no more than a whisper. “Go away…” She realizes she’s sobbing. 

The arms tighten around her and a sigh, shaky and deep. She resigns.

Lets her head fall on his chest and hides her face deep, and her tears deeper. Burning, still. Her skin is prickling where she’s touching him and it’s so tight that she thinks she’ll burst because how dare, how dare he sit to watch her shatter to pieces as though it’s some kind of spectacle. And yet it’s so tight. As though he’s trying to hold the pieces together. Safe.

Her fingers dig into his shirt as she whimpers. He smells of old books and candles. Gods know how long he’s spent in the library. “I’m sorry, Jaskier,” she whispers and her stomach turns as she thinks how many times he must have heard it. How many times she has. Still. The guilt is newfound and she takes a deep, rattling breath. “I didn’t–”

“Hush.” His voice is silent, like the turning of a page. “It’s okay.” Almost hollow. And yet he doesn’t feel cold, instead he holds her impossibly closer and she wants to settle in the crease of his shirt and let it lead the river of her tears away. He rests his head on hers and buries his nose in her hair. Then, softly. “I always stay.”

By the broken tone of his voice she knows she should have never asked.

 

iii.

She wonders, because of course he would stay, he’s never left Geralt’s side. Geralt’s. Even in heartbreak, he stubbornly fixed his feet on his pieces and stayed, even if he wouldn’t admit it, even if they cut bloody into his skin. And she wonders.

The sun is peeking through the window and cold lips on her stomach bring her back to reality and yes, perhaps it’s not time to wonder, only to savor. Because, oh, the way he looks at her as he trails his lips on her skin, as though he’s worshiping Melitele on his knees, pulls a sigh out of her. He huffs a laugh, kisses lower until he’s nuzzling on soft hair. His tongue is teasing her clit slowly like he’s doing it on purpose and her breath hitches. “Get on with it, bard,” she hisses and if she doesn’t actually want him to get on with it, he doesn’t need to know.

He hums and smirks up at her, and firmly laps at her folds. She moans. Bastard. He already knows too much.

His hands are wandering as he trails his tongue on her, warm, circling her clit, sucking it gently, teeth barely scraping over it and she pants, his hands on her hips, her thighs, everywhere. “Gods,” he whispers and she feels his breath warm on her wet skin, “I could sing a thousand verses for you,” and, gods be damned, he means it. 

She grips at his hair, burning. “Put that tongue of yours at better use for now.” Pushes him closer.

He chuckles, kisses the inside of her thigh so tenderly it’s no more than a breath, and shoves his tongue inside her. She flinches, moans breathlessly. “Fuck, Jaskier.” She tightens her grip, writhing, and pushes him deeper, feeling his tongue curving hard inside her as warmth gathers at the base of her stomach. His mouth goes limp, lips wet and soft, letting her guide, forever letting her guide, and she leads his tongue inside her feverishly, pumps herself on it until it almost hurts, chases her orgasm. Then his thumb presses on her clit and finally she trembles and arches, comes with a broken cry, shaking through it and keeping him steady, letting him devour her whole.

As she comes down from it, her hands are trembling.

Jaskier rests his head on her lap and gazes at her, a wide smile on his face, smeared with her cum glistening under the morning sun. The corners of his eyes are crinkling and there’s a haze in their blue, as though drunk in her sight. He looks happy.

There’s a flutter inside her chest. She raises an eyebrow. “You said you’d stay for the night. The sun is up.” It’s a statement. No requests, not even implied. Only, she wonders, and it’s enough for his hand to trail on her hip to have her let everything out, come undone. He stays. But why stay for her?

Yet, he doesn’t answer. He only huffs silently, smile impossibly wide like a child’s, and crawls up to her, presses his lips on hers, gentler than any caress. She doesn’t protest. She sighs and tastes herself off his tongue, and he’s so warm on her, like a blanket to hide under. 

He doesn’t answer. Only, when they part, he gazes at her for some moments longer as though unable to drink enough of her sight, and nuzzles in her neck. Settles there.

With a short breath, she wraps her arms around him, and stares at the ceiling.

 

iv.

“Are you doing your potion reading again, witch?”

Jaskier sinks gracelessly into the armchair beside her and smirks at her, as though he holds any hint of dignity before her eyes. His current position, one leg draped over the armrest and the other spread on the floor, doesn’t favour him. Why are this man’s legs so long anyway?

Yennefer hums and raises an eyebrow at him. “Indeed.” Then gestures at the book in her hands, leaning towards his side only a little. “Look, I even found an incredible bard extermination potion.” He gasps at her, hand flying over his heart in pretended hurt. She holds back a laughter, betrayed by her shaking shoulders, and shrugs. “Pity,” she sighs, snuggling into the blanket on her lap and turns the page, “I have no volunteer to try it on.” 

With a huff, Jaskier sits in an upright position and leans closer, eyes fixed on her. “What will it take?”

She squints, stares at the distance. “Agony.”

“Ooh.”

“Torture.”

“Uh huh.”

“Pain beyond human comprehension.” She smiles content. “But most importantly–”

“Do tell.”

“My immeasurable delight.”

Jaskier laughs loudly and rests his chin in his hands, eyebrows raised. “Where do I sign up?”

She turns at him then, the smile still on her lips, and as she meets his silly face, it widens. Unwillingly. Perhaps. The fire on the hearth is playing on his eyes, tender like sunbeams on the sea, making them seem somehow even brighter, even wider as they stare at her. There’s something else too, something that makes her shiver pleasantly, as though her skin is burning from sitting too close to the fire, a welcomed numbness. Something fond.

The keep has gone quiet, except for the crackling of the fireplace and the beating of her heart echoing in every wall and closed door. She realizes she’s been staring too long, silent. Swallows. “It’s late,” she says as if she cares, and lowers her eyes on the book again, straightens in her seat. “I will sit a bit more but you should sleep.” Something in the way she started caring so much slips away from her memory, but her palms are sweating and she’s gone too deep already. She doesn’t look at him, only bites her lips. A final attempt, perhaps. “You don’t have to stay.”

A final plea. Please don’t stay. Please don’t settle into the cave you’ve carved inside me. It’ll only hurt empty if you leave.

He will leave. Everyone does.

Instead.

“I want to.” Abruptly, she looks at him. His face has softened like a painting she can’t see behind, or doesn’t want to. He’s smiling. Oh, he heard. He always does.

With a sigh, he relaxes back into the armchair, and turns his gaze to the fire, somehow with less alarm than any other time. But she’s closer than any other time.

Everyone leaves. And the reason he stays slips from her grasp like a truth she’s too afraid to face. And he’s too patient.

Soft humming accompanies her as she reads, and she wonders how long it’s been, how long since she heard him sing like he did, loud and free and careless. Always annoying. She even misses that. 

After a while the humming gives its place to a soft snoring and she glances at him. Smiles. He looks peaceful, young despite his years, despite the pain. But tired. Still, he didn’t prefer his bed, as though the turning of her pages was a more comfortable mattress. 

Quietly, she stands and takes off the blanket on her knees, distantly registering it’s the same he’d given her then. Quietly, she throws it over him, tucking at the sides.

 

v.

This time, she doesn’t ask. She demands.

He’s shaking under her, wheezing as she gathers all the chaos she has, everything. “Stay with me, Jaskier,” she says, orders, ignoring his whines, “ stay with me.”

The blood is staining red on the white show under him and for some moments she stares because there’s nothing else she can do. At the two deep gashes on his stomach, wolf claws gained with pure idiocy, gushing with every hard breath, at the unnatural way his chest moves, at the blood dripping from his lips down his chin as he stares down at his insides in horror, as he rests his head on the tree behind him and cries, sobs, whimpers.

“It hurts Yennefer am I dying fuck am I dying Yen–”

“Shut up!” Her hands hover over the wounds and she wants to press them on her ears, stop listening to his pleas, to the wet sound of flowing blood as he breathes what feels more like dust than air. She takes a deep breath, focuses. And starts working.

It would be easy. It would be, that’s what she liked to tell herself, to mend the pain. But the way he screams as she moves everything back into place, as she heals whatever threat she can grasp although she knows it’s still not enough, the way he screams and thrashes and begs as though she’s hurting him on purpose feels like a stab to the heart, and she should know, she’s had many, but none hurt like now.

Another cry, hoarse, and a hand on her wrist. “Yennefer stop please stop–”

“I can’t–”

“Please.” The grip on her wrist tightens almost painfully and she holds her chaos back, turns to look at him. She wishes she hadn’t. Jaskier stares through tears and his lips quiver in all the sobs gathered at the back of his throat. “Just for a moment, please.”

If crumpled paper had a human form, it would resemble his face, wet with sweat and tears and blood and distorted from pain. And yet through his shaking he keeps his gaze on her steady as though it’s the only thing keeping him awake.

She feels her arms aching to hold him. “I need to heal the deep damage before–”

“I know,” he breathes, shakes his head and lets it fall back again. “I know. Just…” He stares at her. Now unfocused.

He whimpers and before she realizes it his eyes roll to the back of his head and she jolts. “Jaskier!” Holds his face between her hands, desperate, “Jaskier, come on,” slaps him and then takes a fist of snow and spreads it on his lips, his neck and he gasps with the sudden cold, eyes popping out of their sockets. He meets her eyes, whines but she holds his face between her hands firmly and pins him with her look. “If you fall asleep I will kill you myself, you hear me? Stay. Stay now that I need you.”

Ever so faintly, a smile curves his lips. As though, it laughs, as though you didn’t need me all the other times . He’s right. And she wants to strangle him. But he doesn’t speak.

Instead, he lets his expression fall, and nods, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. She wipes them away, realizes her bloody fingertips left smudges on his skin. She swallows. “Ready? You’ll stay.” A warning. A plea.

He doesn’t speak. Only, he leans and presses their lips together, just for a moment, bloody and wet and warm despite the cold promise and the sweetest heartache, just for a moment, just for the snow in his mouth to warmly melt and their eyes to flutter. And then they gasp apart and she gathers her chaos again or it’s just his blood in her mouth, and he screams again, and never goes quiet until they’ve crossed the portal.

 

vi.

“You’re staring again.”

Yennefer flinches faintly and tears her eyes away from the finally clean bandages around his torso. Looks at him. There is a smile on his lips, careful and silent as though whispering a secret she’s not yet allowed to hear. Or avoids nonetheless. The bandages are white and clean and it’s been two days, he’s healed now but so weak, and the blood staining his otherwise bright form is engraved in her mind ever since.

It doesn’t make sense. She has seen so much blood in her life.

His eyes are soft and she lets her shoulders slump, defeated. She’s been staring again.

The last rays fall red and spill inside the room, illuminating his face like a painting and she realizes she has memorized the lines of his shoulders, perhaps when he was sleeping. 

He catches her gaze, gently like catching a floating feather. “You’re thinking too loud. Wait, does magic healing involve chaos transmission?” He squints, thinks about it, the idiot. “Oh, I know exactly how useful this would be–”

“Oh, you’re insufferable.” She scoffs and stands and her lips are tight from restraining a smile she hasn’t even allowed to creep up her lips in the first place. Her hands feel useless on her sides. She spent too long holding his while he shook. “I’ll go,” she clears her throat, head kept high, “fetch some water. The jug is emptying.”

She forces her gaze away and turns her back at him. She can’t tell if staring ahead is worse than looking at him and remembering all of it, all the blood and agony and helplessness. Both his and her own. A sigh. She takes one, two, three steps, reaches for the door handle.

Then.

“Stay.”

A breath, nothing more. As though he’s afraid to be heard. He . But she hears him and one would say it’s a debt paid, for all the times he heard her too when she held back. A shiver runs down her spine and she swallows.

Turns around.

The look in his eyes is guilty and pleading all the same, hiding and knowing. She clenches her fists. “Why?”

And isn’t that a question! Why should she stay? What thread is tugging her back? Why did you stay? Tell me, for I have only learned from those walking past.

Everyone leaves and she told herself she would be fine with it one day. But Jaskier chuckles low and she watches as he doesn’t let his lids droop, as though he wants to catch up with her. His voice is quieter now. “Because I love you.”  

And then, a pause. 

She should freeze, perhaps. Be surprised because alas, those are big words. And she’s so used to big words. But habit is not the reason she doesn’t freeze and the realization is what takes her breath away.

It’s the fact that she knows. 

She knows better than she has ever known herself and suddenly, this is herself, that same love, and something in her chest blooms and aches and a lump forms in her throat and her eyes well with the warmth and Jaskier gazes on, as though he can’t get enough of her, as though he wants to savour her and quench the thirst of ages. His hand is outstretched to her, calling. Asking, gently, kindly, and if she says no he’ll still be here, he will still stay, because how absurd, how beautiful, he loves her .

But oh, her hands are so empty without his.

Slowly, afraid as though she’ll stumble on her own hope, she approaches and sits on the bed beside him. If her hand is trembling as she reaches for his, she doesn’t admit it, and he doesn’t ask her to. Only, he’s smiling, gods, he’s smiling so wide as though he’s gazing at the most beautiful sea, drinking her in. 

She can’t help it, not as her eyes meet his like the sun never getting tired of greeting the morning sky warm and familiar. She smiles back.

It feels so easy.

She raises their hands, entwined, on her lips, and presses a kiss on his knuckles. Then nods, and allows a stray tear to find its way down her cheek. “I’ll stay.”

Everyone leaves, and she wants to laugh at their face, shove them further away still. His hand is warm as fingers stroke down her skin and she knows Jaskier will stay. Because Jaskier is not everyone.

And because, unwillingly and absurdly and with her whole heart, she loves him too.

[archies-litterbox]

me finally (close to) being healed from what r*tt did to douxie after two months.....

......vs me getting smacked with shots of jaskier getting hurt in witcher s2 today

[blaidd-gwyn]

I leave tumblr for an hour and I suddenly get 5 new followers. Which means...

I’ve reached 200 followers! Thank you everyone who chose to follow me! I still don’t really know why you would but thank you all the same!

As I mentioned a while ago, I made a header which I will finally add to my blog. Warning, it’s terrible lmao

[sci-the-superb]

@toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account

i'm like a stack of unread books but a girl

[bamf-jaskier]

So I know plenty of people are new to tumblr from twitter and also with Blood Origins coming out on December 25th it might be time to rec some wonderful Witcher creators in this fandom that would be awesome to follow if ur looking for more Witcher on ur feed!

Some fabulous artists to follow:

@ehay @mersephesie @thence-we-came-forth @hehearse @greenfinch-garden @mercisnm @minar-artwork @spielzeugkaiser @felrija @mayasooong @lavodkin @pokeberry5 @bluedillylee @brothebro @pixlatedvampire @shutupsycho @lookingforcactus @silvipeppers @bennearte @fioblah @hobbart-art @herbatahleb @ohciq

Some fabulous writers:

@clydethistles @limerental @cycian @ghostinthelibrarywrites @greyduckgreygoose @sargassostories @handwrittenhello (also an amazing artist!!) @fangirleaconmigo @likecastle @wanderlust-t @lambden @dunroamins @some-stars @blaidd-gwyn @whatkindofnameisvolta @drowningbydegrees @lothlaer @xyberry @holliday-inn @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account @jaskierx

This is by no means a comprehensive list and it’s just artists and writers right now. I am not nearly as great at knowing other media fandom creators, the gif makers, etc so if you know any other awesome creators of any sort in this fandom please tag them to let others know!

[thanedd-ball]

Welcome to #ThaneddBall2022 The Council solemnly requests the pleasure of your company at the annual Thanedd Ball.

We welcome you to the first ever Witcher event that focuses on the banquet hosted by the Brotherhood of Sorcerers on the Thanedd Island! With season three of the Netflix show rapidly approaching and with it the confirmed Thanedd Coup, we thought it would be a good idea to throw a ball of our own. 

The main purpose of this event is to showcase the fashion and envision what the characters would wear by making art/edits/gifs/fanfic/etc. Maybe you want to be the one to design Yennefer’s dress? Or maybe you want to see how Triss would look like in the latest Alexander McQueen collection? We invite you to be bold, creative, and have fun in your creations! 

Of course, fashion isn’t all that there is to the Thanedd Ball. If you wish to write fan fiction where Geralt does get to kiss Yennefer in front of everyone or draw Philippa covered in blood, you are more than welcome to do so! It’s Thanedd, baby! All mediums of expression/characters/ships are welcomed as long as the work is connected to the Thanedd Ball/Coup in some way.

All the characters from all canons are invited to the banquet, but we urge you to remember this event mainly focuses on the sorceresses, so please keep them in the spotlight first and foremost.

Our ball will be held on the 1st of July, as that is the canon date when the actual banquet takes place in the books, and the posting will begin around 3 pm CEST.

RULES:

Tag #ThaneddBall2022 (make sure you put it within first five tags)

There is no limit to the number of works one person can make, write/draw/edit/gif/etc. as much as your heart desires!

NSFW content is allowed

Works containing such things as drugs/alcohol/abuse/etc. are allowed

And most importantly, have fun !!

If you have any questions, please don't be scared to drop them into our inbox, and we’ll gladly answer everything!

Tagging a few blogs to spread the word:

@anya-chalotra  @wanderlust-t  @bards-rights-activist @yenvengerberg  @yennefxr  @yeraskier  @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account @something-more @greyduckgreygoose @bluedillylee @lamberts @valdomarx @pokeberry5 @sargassostories @hobbart-art

[onceuponawdymitsnotcannon]

its the reunion tour

idk who first came up with the idea of yen and jask bonding in prison but i love it very much and i am going to tag @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account cause shes making some real big brain posts about it. I just want them to be friends 🥺

also sort of a prequel to my first long hair timeskip jask post

[all-hail-the-witcher]

geralt ramsey

I've been screaming about this with @toss-a-coin-to-your-lesbian and @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account for like days so you've heard of chef!geralt, now get ready for geralt ramsey because I've been watching way too much hells kitchen and kitchen nightmares

-so geralts a witcher. been alive since like the middle ages.

-but the monsters got few and far between and he dabbled in some careers before going to culinary school

-jaskiers especially surprised that he's good at it cause he remembers geralts tasteless campfire rabbit from 1238 thank you Very much

-also no one knows how old he is

-someone asked him on twitter once

-he said “852″

-everyone thought he was joking

-but anyway geralt somehow becomes this Really Good Chef

-hosts hells kitchen, masterchef, masterchef kids, kitchen nightmares, all of them and owns all the restaurants has his fancy lil michelin stars okay he's Good

-everyones scared of him

-he wears his hair in a bun, pen behind the ear

-arms crossed, usually scowling 

-wears a black jacket instead of chefs whites cause jaskier says it makes his “hair pop”

-intimidating To The Max

-but he's secretly the biggest softie

-but no one really knows it

-cause if you undercook his scallops? oh man you're gonna get it

-jaskier kinda thinks its hot

-speaking of jaskier

-hes one of the hosts on great british baking show

-valdo marx is the other

-No One Knows That Jaskier And Geralt Are Together Much Less Married

-jaskier makes them get married in a new place every time it becomes legal there

-geralt hates it but he puts up with it cause it makes jaskier happy

-but anyway

-no one knows they're together

-jaskier cant cook to save his life

-hes essentially the joey batey baking video irl

-every time he cooks geralt says a prayer that he won't get food poisoning

-like gordon does on kitchen nightmares

-jaskiers specialty is dino nuggets

-geralt pretends to hate them but he loves munching them after a long day

- “if word got out that a 16 michelin star chef liked dino nuggets id be done for julek, how dare you even suggest such a thing”

-one time on kitchen nightmares he lets it slip that he has a husband

- “even my husbands food is better than that!!” 

-and immediately goes “fuck”

-the whole internet is like you're MARRIED???? you're GAY??????

-cue hunt for the elusive husband

-jaskier thinks its fucking hilarious

-lambert teases him relentlessly

-there are many theories

-but alas, no one guesses the host of gbb

-one time

-its one of their many anniversaries 

-geralt forgot cause by this point they have at least 150

-that night on hells kitchen he goes “listen up. my husbands here tonight. its our anniversary. don't fuck this up.”

-everyone (including contestants) tries to figure out who the husband could be

-but they cant

-the only person of any remote significance is that hist of gbb sitting in the red kitchens vip booth

-eventually tho it Does come out

-in like

-the most ridiculous way possible

-theres this big fire in one of geralts restaurants 

-on the night he happens to be there

-everyones pretty much fine

-but geralt (along with most of the other kitchen staff) inhaled a fuck ton of smoke

-jaskier shows up just as geralts hacking and trying to sign the waiver to refuse care

-cause hes a “fucking witcher, jaskier. ive survived way worse with your slapdash first aid and back room healers i don't need modern medicine” 

-jaskier is Beside Himself

-meanwhile everyones like tf is the host of gbb doing here

-jaskiers arguing with geralt and everyones like :o cause you Don't do that

- “dear heart. you can’t breathe. you are GOING to the hospital if i have to drag you there myself!”

-everyones like....dear heart????

- “julek-”

- “no! you're my husband!! i fucking care about you, you oaf! modern medicine was invented for a reason!!!”

-everyones like oh. oh my god. that's him. that's the fucking husband.

-and geralts just like

- “i used to fight monsters i can survive some sm-” and then he just starts coughing

-and jaskiers like. instantly soft as heck. 

- “cmon dear heart, lets go talk to the emts, alright? I know you can survive without their help, but it would make me feel so much better if you listened to them.”

- “....fine”

-and jaskier gives him a forehead kiss and wraps his arm around him

-everyones Shocked

-cause it was bakeoff dude all along????

-geralts kinda annoyed 

- “now i gotta share you, julek”

- “there's enough of me to go around”

- “hmm”

- “if you're so annoyed we could always stage a divorce. we can afford one, we are legally married in like 16 countries”

- “no, jaskier”

-lambert teases them about it

- “really geralt? no one had Smoke Inhalation on their betting list for how the world find out you were together! now what are we supposed to do? the pool was like a million bucks!!”

-geralt ignores him

-but after it comes out

-jaskier occasionally surprises geralt at work

-and everyones So Shocked that grrr mean chef geralt is actually so soft with his husband??

-and jasper also talks about geralt on bakeoff 

-he tells cute stories

-i just love this au and i could talk about it for hours okay

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

welcome to toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account where instead of saying anything even remotely related to witcher I liveblog my nearly 5 am breakdown over finding the fuck out that Willem Defoe played gill in finding Nemo while I wait for the coffee my dumb ass drank at 1 am to wear off

[sci-the-superb]

@toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account

torture that beautiful brunette man a little more. YEAHHHHHHH.

[cherryjuicegf]

2021 witcher fic recs

i wanted to do a rec post in a while so i gathered some of my favourite fics i read this year and which stayed with me in a way. thank you to all these wonderful writers that made my year brighter (or sadder, occasionally) with their little masterpieces <33

geraskier

The Silence of the Spider's Thread by @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account

A Debt Paid // Like an Autumn Breeze by @samstree

don't think, become by @torynickles

Paths that lead me home // If You Were // Make me Breathe by @a-kind-of-merry-war

the brightest shade of sun by @arthur-apologist

I'm glad you are here // You will heal, I will keep you safe // Silent Sea by @dapandapod

You and Me by @moonysrz

without me in the sentence // this lovely fic by @julek

Epilogue of a Love Song by @wren-of-the-woods

Three Little Lies by @greyduckgreygoose

neon lights at 1.30am by @norationalthoughtrequired

yennskier

all our fear and the fire of the end of the world by @fioblah

gentle meet the hands that hold water // Grip to Stay by @lothlaer

at night when light is fading by @toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account

champagne problems by @yoursummerfrost

A Marriage of Inconvenience by @ghostinthelibrarywrites

made of love by @restmyheadatnightcontent

the longest night by @witchertrashbag

mason jar moments by @horsedadgeralt

The Other Side by @handwrittenhello

yenralt

The Win by @samstree

Yenralt in Yearning, Act I by @reveniemus

Sleeping Baby by @alllthequeenshorses

playing with their hair by @limerental

geraskefer

Light of My Life by @peppers-writing

All That's Mine is Yours by @unremarkablegirl

other

soak by @indelibleposies

[fanby-fckry]

@toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account you’re right and you should say it.

It's a het ship to YOU. To ME, they are both incredibly bisexual.