#too tired to color the last one DX

[dokupine]

BAH

[maelihi]

give all the balto headcanons. and when i say all, i mean all. dont leave a single one out.

:D!!!

yay!! so these are most if not all of my balto headcanons!

he’s very tall, about 6’7 and he’s also between thin and chubby. i can’t really decide because on one hand big, strong, plus sized werewolf, and on the other since he’s so tall, shouldn’t he be thinner?

anger issues- severe. to the point he punches and throws shit. he did end up harming one of his family members at one point, but when that happened he went to anger management therapy!

he’s scared of thunder and storms in general

thinks werewolves are the ‘superior race’.

liked ivy for a bit since she was pretty, but soon got tired of her bitchy nature, even though he’s also a bitch

a creepy guy- like he really is. talks to girls in a match way, but hates when folks go onto his sister (his sister is another character since i went dumb and made another family lineage- wanna hear about that, dx. anon? <3)

listens to melanie martinez (loves battle of the larynx!)

strong, but not really a working out type? he works at a farm for a little extra cash and he’s pretty good at lifting stuff!

cried at Of Mice and Men (very good book <3)

!!slight warning: this one is a bit more heavy, and this is not to romanticize anything, and it’s simply to give familiarity to my headcanons!!

he has a slight pill addiction. he got it from his mother. he has a pain medicine addiction, and when his younger brother got involved he quickly went cold turkey (that wasn’t too easy.)

!! safe now!!

cold guy. just in general. his hands are always cold, his feet, face- he’s just cold.

birthmark righttt under his right eye

in his full werewolf form his hair is brown with a redder tint, and his eyes are a very deep red (sounds like a cliche factor but-)

when in his most relaxed, human form he has a more natural brown hair color, and brown eyes!

his human name that he uses to get out of werewolf related stuff is something dumb like ‘bruce’ or ‘cole’ (get it?)

loves raw meat (not too much or he gets sick), so medium rare is good too!

total night owl, hates getting up in the morning

loves control over any plans he’s a part of, or he gets overstimulated and nervous

loves to cuddle (mostly because i was just cuddling four of my friends last night)

loves his grandfather, who is the leader of the werewolf population at PDH!

These are some! i’m drawing some blanks right now since i have so many! but maybe ill give more! and thank you sososososo much mx. anon!

[theartoflovingthomashunt]

dx: a Ticking Clock [AU]

Masterlists: [Thomas Hunt x Alex Spencer] [Ethan Ramsey x Ellie Shepherd] [Love & Scotch Crossover]

– – – Characters: Alex, Thomas Hunt, Ethan Ramsey, Ellie Shephard (OH: MC), Naveen Banerji, Baz Mirani, Zaid + other OH characters mentioned Prompt: fear @choicesoctoberchallenge2020 Word Count: +/- 1,400

TW: character death mentioned (same warnings as would apply to OH2 CH11)

Series Background: This takes place in my Hollywood U AU. Alex and Thomas are engaged. Ethan is an old friend whom the couple reconnected with recently. Alex is the biggest shipper of Ethan and Ellie(MC), and is thrilled Ethan finally took  her advice to do something about his feelings

Chapter Background: This takes place after Two Words (Thomas and Alex come to Boston to offer assistance during the crisis and support their friends) and at the same time as Never Let Go (Ethan spends the night with Ellie in quarantine)

Catch up on Love and Scotch

☆  ☆   ☆   ☆   ☆ 

The hallway hummed with the murmur of the doctors collaborating with only one goal in mind—saving Ellie and Rafael. The diagnostic’s office had become overrun with the number of hands that offered assistance. The conversations quickly became a cacophonous ruckus rather than a productive dialogue of possible solutions. They decided to split into groups, in the hope of exploring more ideas in less time by allowing greater opportunities for everyone’s ideas to be shared and tested. Naveen headed the team that remained in Ethan’s office. Tobias led the team stationed in the conference room. Both groups worked diligently, knowing that time was of the essence and a wasted minute could be all that stood in the way of saving their friends’ lives. 

It hadn’t taken Alex long to discover Ethan’s hidden stash of coffee and his secret espresso machine. She caught a whiff of the rich, but subtle notes of the premium blend tucked in the bottom drawer of a cabinet while tidying papers on his desk.

“We don’t touch that,” Baz noted, leaning against the bookshelf behind her. “Ethan doesn’t let anyone touch it. He will tell you he is a connoisseur and no one quite grasps the delicacies needed. He’ll trust us with patients but not his espresso machine.”

A smile played on her lips, the machine buzzed to life under her skilled touch. “Ethan may think he knows coffee, but it’s kind of my thing.”

“On your head be it.” Baz breathed out a soft, skeptical laugh. “When this is over, I’d quite like to see his reaction to you informing him he is not as wise to his coffee as he believes.”

Alex worked her magic setting the machine up and readying it for her first request. “Something like ‘you know nothing, Ethan Ramsey’.”

His hearty laugh overtook the somber tone of the room, even if just for the two of them. "Except, he really would know nothing because that reference would go over his head.”

“True! Anyway, I’m sure he won’t mind. After all, it’s for Ellie—” The words slipped out of her lips in a tone she worried said too much. “What I meant is, I’m sure he’d want his team to be well cared for and fueled to assist any member of the team that could find themselves in mortal peril. For the EMT too. And anyone, not just Ellie,” she rambled trying to cover up for any slip that may have occurred.

“It’s okay, I know.”

“You know?” The last part of the word lingered as Alex dragged it out questioningly.

“I know.” He nodded, quirking a brow at her.

“You know, as in you know?” Her chocolate brown eyes narrowed on him knowingly. 

“I know,” he reasserted, grinning proudly. 

“Do they know?”

“Ellie might. Ethan doesn’t.”

“How?”

A low laugh rumbled in his chest. “How can you not notice? They haven’t exactly mastered the subtleties of being in a secret relationship.”

“By they, you mean Ethan?” Alex grinned to herself. The first round of espresso shots began to drip, filling the office with a warm, inviting scent.

“It’s like you’ve met him!” He teased, the two of them giggled in the corner like schoolgirls sharing a juicy secret.

“I like you, Baz,” Alex decided. “So if Ethan throws a tantrum about me using his coffee machine, I won’t even blame you,” she teased. “Maybe your brother though.”

“As long as I’m there when you tell him.”

“Deal. Now, what can I make you?”

Ethan’s precious supply of premium beans dwindled as the hours passed, Alex kept everyone caffeinated and alert, while Hunt brought food and water to the weary doctors. With each glance to the ticking clock, the lines of worry etched on their tired faces grew deeper. 

***

Hunt’s hand clasped on the older doctor’s shoulders, jerking him to attention and pulling him from his thoughts. “You need rest, Naveen.” 

“I will when we’ve solved this puzzle.” His weary eyes fell once more to the research and medical charts scattered on the table in front of him.

“At least take a walk to clear your head,” Hunt suggested.

He shook his head side to side in contemplation. “I can’t. Not until I have an answer. Not until they’re safe.”

“Naveen, no one will fault you for taking a break. Everyone else has.”

“I will,” he insisted. “But not yet. If something were to happen while I was gone or if we were ten minutes too late because I took a break…” His voice quivered, unable to finish the thought as dread twisted in his gut. The color drained from his face at the possibility of them being too late. 

Hunt nodded in understanding, knowing there was nothing he could do to comfort the man before him.

“Not just because Ellie saved my life last year,” he lowered his voice, keeping the next part between them. “I don’t have any children, I have Ethan. He may yet think that love is a weakness, but it’s not. Whether he’s ready to admit to it or not, he needs her. I don’t know if he could survive losing her.”

“I know what you mean.” Hunt’s gaze fell to Alex busy across the room. “There are some people we’ll go to any length to save, no matter the cost.” His hand found Naveen’s shoulder again, offering a consoling gesture. “If there’s anything I can do.”

***

Ethan’s gloved hand glossed over her tousled, sweat-coated hair, being careful not to wake her. She had finally let sleep overtake her not too long ago, though he didn’t dare join her. Fighting his own exhaustion, he kept a steady gaze on the monitors ensuring no sudden decline in her vitals. 

Alex watched for a few moments, giving him time with her. Her eyes misted over; she’d never seen him so tender before. She recognized that look on his face, if only Ellie could see him now. Luckily for him, the entirety of the hospital was too busy determining a cure that they would be oblivious to the obvious connection between the two doctors in the room before her. 

Her finger lingered on the intercom button for what felt like an eternity. She spoke softly, “Can I get you anything?”

Ethan’s blue eyes shimmered like the glassy surface of the cool ocean. “Anything yet?”

She shook her head side to side. “Sorry.”

He gently rested the plastic shield of his protective suit against the top of her head. His lips pressed against the clear surface. “Hold on just a little bit longer, Ellie.”

Alex sniffled, the pads of her fingers collecting the tears before they could fall. She needed to be brave for him. 

Ethan shifted, inching away from her. “Will you stay with her? I can’t ask you to come in even with protection, but just stay there and let me know the minute she wakes or if any of her vitals change. I know a nurse can do it, but I’d rather it be you.”

“Of course, Ethan. Whatever you need. What will you be doing?”

His fingers hovered once more over her, tracing the length of her arm. “Finding a way to save her.”

“I’m proud of you,” she whispered, as he began the procedure to leave quarantine without spreading the contaminant. 

“What for?”

“You took a chance.”

His tone was harsher, “look how that turned out.”

“This is just a chapter, I can’t believe it’s the end,” she offered, glancing back to Ellie sleeping soundly. “Take the advice you gave her. ‘Just hold on a little bit longer’, you’ll save her. I have to believe it.”

Ethan offered a curt nod, leaving in silence, pausing only for a moment to glance back to Ellie lying helplessly in the small hospital bed.

Alex focused on the steady pulse of the monitors, watching and listening for even the slightest shift in the information. Her hand rested over her phone in her pocket ready to call Ethan within seconds if needed. 

Hunt’s arms snaked around her from behind, causing her body to shake at the unexpected contact. “Hi.”

“Hi, yourself.” Alex leaned into her fiancé, letting the warmth of his embrace calm her racing mind.

“How are you holding up?” His beard tingled against her skin as he brushed a kiss on her cheek.

She spun quickly, wrapping her arms around him. She leaned up on her tiptoes to bury her face in the crook of his neck. 

“I know.” His fingers combed through her dark hair. She didn’t need to say what was on her mind, he knew the weight of what was troubling her. “Just have faith in them. He’ll find a way, I know he will.”

“How can you be so sure?” Alex sniffled into his shirt collar.

“Because he loves her.”

☆  ☆   ☆   ☆   ☆

(tags in a reblog, trying that again to see if it makes any difference in my posts staying in search/tags)

[blacknight1230]

Dreaming of You

Ponyboy Curtis Imagine

Prompt: In this world, you have dreams where you can meet your soulmate. But when you wake up, you don’t remember what they look like, only small things, like the sound of their voice or the smell of their perfume/cologne.  

The sky was the bluest blue imaginable, stretching as far as the eye could see. I was surrounded by the heavens, no ground beneath my feet, yet I stood there as if a god had risen me up to spoke with them in their land. I tore my eyes away from the calm stratosphere, my vision focusing on the figure in front of me. 

I couldn’t see his or her face, but I somehow knew this person was a female. “Can you recite that poem that you like for me again?” she said, her voice angelic and soft. “Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold,” I recited by memory. I could feel her presence get closer, yet her figure was still blurry. “Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour,” she chimed. I wanted to touch her, but I was afraid my hand would go through her, like a ghost. “Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief,” I continued. She was in front of me now, so close I could smell the scent of (favorite perfume scent) on her skin. I felt her wrap me in her arms and I returned the action. The warm of her body, the softness of her skin, the scent of her shampoo, enveloped me as I felt soft lips ghost my own. “So dawn goes down to day, Nothing gold can stay.” Those soft lips touched my own and I pressed back in a sweet kiss. 

The early morning sun woke me up from my slumber. My eyes fluttered close, not used to the bright sunlight shining through my bedroom window and onto my face. I sat up from my bed and rubbed the remaining sleep from my eyes. “Another dream,” I breathlessly said to myself. I could still feel her touch on skin, her body in my arms. I felt like I lost something I wanted - something I needed. 

Sodapop walked into the room as I got out of bed. “Morning, little brother,” he said cheerfully. “Morning, Soda,” I replied and opened up the dresser to gather clothes to wear for the day. “Hey, are you alright, Pony?” Soda asked, frowning at my introverted demeanor. “Yeah. I just had a dream about her last night?” “Your soulmate?” I just nodded as I pulled my sleeping shirt over my head. “I know how you feel, Pony. I still dream about my soulmate,” Soda said gently. 

“When am I going to finally meet her? I’m sick and tired of having her in arms, only to have her ripped away from me when I wake up,” I rambled. I could still smell her scent on me, but it was already fading. “Cheer up, Pony. Maybe you’ll meet her today? And if not today, you’ll meet her one day. You just have to live without her for a little bit longer. Okay,” Soda reassured me. “Okay.” “Good, now go take a shower and grease up that hair of yours. You’ve got school to go to and no way is Darry going to allow you become a dropout like me,” he piped up, ruffling my hair up. “Yeah, yeah, just get to the DX already will ya!” Soda put on his DX cap then left me alone, heading out the front door with a shout to Darry about where he’s going. I went into the bathroom and started my shower up. 

The steps leading up to the high school’s main entrance was contested with teenagers. Male and female alike, either stood in certain clique groups, talking to friends, or hurried to homeroom class. A couple of Socs glared at me as I passed them on my way inside, yet I was used to it. I was successfully able to get to my locker, putting in my combination and opening the metal door. Grabbing my books for the next few classes, I shut the locker door and turned around, about to head to my English class. Immediately, I bumped into someone, causing that person to drop their books. “Oof, I’m sorry!” the person cried. “No, no, it was my fault. I should have known someone was behind me,” I quickly apologized. I got on my knees besides them, who I saw a was girl, and helped her gather her books. As I picked up the numerous textbooks and notebooks, I caught a whiff a familiar scent. It was (favorite flowery perfume scent). Can it be? I thought. The mysterious girl had gotten all her things back together, standing up from the tiled school floor. I was finally able to get a real look at her. 

She had (color) hair that fell in (long/short) (curls/straight locks/waves). The natural makeup on her (skin tone) face complemented her (eye color) orbs, they being what stood out to me the most. I noticed she wore a simple (favorite color) short sleeved blouse and (2nd favorite color) knee length skirt, paired with white knee high socks and black & white saddle shoes. I could tell she wasn’t a greaser, but she also wasn’t a Soc, and I didn’t recognize her from the regular faces I see roaming the school. 

When I looked into her eyes, I felt an immediate connection and I hoped he felt it too when she looked into my greenish-grey eyes. We kept eye contact as we both got up from the floor, standing at our full heights. I saw that she was (taller/shorter/the same height) than me. Before I could ask the girl her name, the bell rang for the start of class. The girl realized she was going to be late for class and quickly turned around, sprinting away towards her class without another word. As she did so, I caught a whiff of the familiar smell of (favorite perfume smell). 

Snap out of it, Ponyboy. It might not be her, my conscious told me, trying to persuade me that the girl was not my soulmate. I couldn’t really focus on it as I also had to hurry to my first class of the day. Luckily, I was able to get to class right before the bell rang, symbolizing the start of class. “Mr. Curtis, please take a seat,” Mr. Syme said, turning away front he chalkboard and towards me. I bowed my head down in embarrassment and hurried to a desk. 

Mr. Syme got right into teaching the class, standing in front of a podium and started talking. “Today we have a new student in our class. As per custom, we’ll each read out a favored poem to the class, starting with our new student,” he said. “Come on up, Ms. (l/n).” 

Up comes the girl he ran into in the hallway, which not only caused my heart to stop in his chest, but caused his brain to go haywire. As I mentally shut down, the new girl introduced herself to the class. “Hi, I’m (y/n) (l/n). Um, I really didn’t expect having to do this, so I’ll just read a poem I’ve memorized,” the new girl introduced herself, before she started to recite said poem. 

“Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour.” 

I recognized that she was reciting ‘Nothing Gold Can Stay,’ the poem I shared with his soul mate in his dreams. It’s really her. She’s my soulmate, Ponyboy thought to himself. 

“Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay.”

She finished and the class started to applaud. “Magnificent, Ms. (l/n). Just magnificent,” Mr. Syme congratulated. “I would have never thought you would have quoted Robert Frost. Where did you learn to recite such poetry?” “Well, my soulmate recited it to me in my dreams once. It’s been my favorite ever since,” (y/n) explained, bashfully avoiding looking anyone in the eyes. “Ah, I understand. Please, take your seat now, Ms. (l/n),” Mr. Syme said. The (h/c) haired girl took her seat, which was in the next row over and several seats ahead. 

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes on her, studying her as she gracefully took her seat and got out her materials for class on her desk. (Y/n) seemed to be able to feel me staring at her, for she glanced from the side at me unexpectedly. I immediately put my head down, avoiding the girl’s gaze, my cheeks red at the embarrassment of the beautiful girl catching me staring. Class went on and I felt as if time was barely passing at all, wanting nothing more for class to be over and talk to (y/n), needing to find out if she really was my soulmate. 

Eventually, the bell did ring, class ending, and everybody packing up their things before rushing out of the classroom and into the hallway. I hurried to reach the new girl, but I lost her in the crowd of moving students in the hallway, not a sign in sight of where she was or where she went.  My heart panged in disappointment, as I went to my next class at a moderate pace, no longer caring about it. Hopefully, I will see her at lunch, I thought. 

~ Time Skip ~  

I hoped to see (y/n) at the school’s cafeteria, but I couldn’t see her in the mass of student bodies. So I left the crowded space, ignoring the stares of the Socs as I walked past the teens from the West Side, letting out a sigh of relief when I made it to the open outside. Seeing as I didn’t have anywhere else to go, I made my way to the DX to eat my lunch in peace and talk to Sodapop about my day so far. Eventually I got to the gas station and walked into the garage. 

“Hey, Pony!” Sodapop greeted from behind the counter. “Steve! Pony’s here!” he shouted towards his friend. Said young man was underneath a Camaro, only grunted in response. “So, anything eventful happen today, Pony?” Sodapop asked as I was getting a Coke from the cold drinks display in the car shop, before returning to the counter to pay for the drink. “Yeah. We got a new classmate today. No idea where she’s from, though,” I told him as I paid with change. Steve rolled out from underneath the car, saying, “Is she a babe at least? If she is, then I might just go back to school!” I rolled my eyes at my brother’s best friend, popping open my Coke and taking a swing from it. 

“Mr. Syme made us all read out our favorite poem today in class,” I continued telling my brother. “Oh, really. Did he make the new girl read first?” Sodapop asked as he rubbed his hands with a dirty rag. “Yeah. She read ‘Nothing Gold Can Stay,’ by Robert Frost. That actually got me thinking. I think she might be ...” I was interrupted by the sound a bell jingling, meaning someone just walked into the shop. “Hey, darling. Do you need help with your car or something?” I heard Steve ask the new customer. “I’m just here for a sodapop. Thanks anyway,” they replied. 

My heart stopped, as I recognized the voice, and slowly turned around. Just like I suspected, the new girl, (y/n), was reaching into the drink display for something to buy. My blood rushed in my ears as she started to come to the counter, and I quickly turned back around, a blush on my face as I tried to make it look like I just wasn’t ogling at her. “One Dr. Pepper,” she said, finally standing next to me as she paid for her drink. “Also, do you guys have any potato chip bags?” “Hold on a second. I think we have some in stock. I’ll just go get you some,” Sodapop told her. He left the counter, leaving me alone with the new girl. 

It was silent for a while, as I tried not to have a mini heart attack, when the new girl spoke up. “Hey, you’re Ponyboy right?” (y/n) said. “Yeah. T-That’s me,” I stuttered. “You’re in my English class. And I think you also were the one that bumped into me and made me drop books,” she pointed out. I  really wanted to curl up in a ball of shame, regretting the morning’s events. “I’m so sorry about that. I wasn’t paying attention and ...” “It’s okay! I was just messing with you!” she laughed, a kind smile on her face. 

Soda returned to the register and told the new girl the price, which she silently paid. “Well, I guess I’ll see you back at school, Pony,” (y/n) said. She grabbed the items she paid for and turned around to leave. “Wait!” I cried out before she could leave the DX. (Y/n) turned around, shocked at my outburst. “I ... I ... Do you want to eat lunch together?” I struggled to say. I want to tell her that she’s my soulmate, I was thinking in the back of my head. But not with Steve and Soda around. They would probably ruin it. (Y/n) looked a bit unsettled, taking a moment to contemplate of what to do, before answering me. “Um ... sure, whatever you like,” she answered, seeming a bit unsure. I think I’ve scared her, I thought. I think I messed everything up already. 

I allowed (y/n) to walk through the door to the DX first, following closely behind her. I could hear Steve and Soda snickering behind me, but I ignored them. I would deal with them later. As soon as we got out into the warm Oklahoma air, I found an unoccupied picnic table that was set up for those passing through to eat before leaving town, motioning (y/n) to come sit with me. So there I was nervously fidgeting into my seat with my possible soulmate siting across for me. To say my nerves were frazzled was an understatement. (Y/n) quietly ate her chips,  occasionally taking sip from her pop. Go on, Ponyboy, I silently urged myself. You can do it. 

“So ... sorry for yelling at you earlier. I just didn’t know how to get you to talk to me,” I apologized, sweat accumulating on the back of my neckline. “Oh, um, that’s okay. You just spooked me, that’s it. No harm down,” (y/n) replied, avoiding eye contact. It was awkwardly silent for a moment. “Um, so, where are from? I mean where did you used to live before you came to Tulsa?” I spit out hasitedly. “I’m originally from (hometown). My father got a new job out in this area and dragged my family here for it,” (y/n) explained. “Oh, that’s neat. How’s the town for you so far?” “Well, it's a bit different than my hometown. I mean, we really didn’t have Greasers and ,what do you call the upper class kids, Socs?” (y/n) answered, a little unsure if she was using the proper term at the end. “Yeah, your right. The Socs and Greasers never get along. I advise trying to avoid any of the drama between the two if you’re able to,” I warned. “Duly noted. If you don’t mind me asking, which ones are you a part? The Socs or Greasers, I mean.” “I’m a Greaser. Well, I hang out with lots of Greasers but I don’t really act like them. I’m actually in a lot of classes with Socs,” I tried to explain. “That’s interesting. I’m in classes like that, too, but I’m not a Soc either. At least I don’t think I am. Honestly, I don’t care who’s a Greaser or a Soc and so on. To me it just matters who you are, as a person that is like.” I nodded in agreement, trying not to give away how she was making me feel. My heart seemed to fill up with admiration as I started to become more attracted to her. The way the sun made her shine, giving her an almost angelic appearance, as her (hair length) (h/c) glimmer and her (e/c) eyes light up. 

We continued to eat our respective lunches in comfortable silence. It was only as I finished my Coke did (y/n) say something. “This is going to sound weird,” she began, making me to stop sipping my beverage. “But I feel like I know you. Like, I’ve meet you before and such. Am I just nuts or ...?” she continued, trailing off as she began to second guess herself. “No, it’s ok! I feel the same way!” I reassured her. 

I then looked down and saw that I subconsciously grabbed a hold of her soft (s/c) hands that were on the table. (y/n) noticed, too, and I felt her grasp mine tighter in her hold. “Ponyboy ... I ...” she tried to say, looking deep into my green-gray eyes. “(Y/n), I have to tell you this, even if I’m wrong, but I think we’re soulmates,” I finally admitted. “Soulmates?” she said breathlessly. There was only one thing I could think of that could prove it to her. 

“Nature’s first green is gold,” I started to recite, knowing the words by heart. 

“Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour.” 

Before I could continued, (y/n) chimed in. ““Then leaf subsides to leaf.” “So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day ...” “Nothing gold can stay,” we recited in unison. 

Time seemed to stop around us as we revelled in our shared enlightenment. I could only focus on her and she on me as we finally confirmed that we were indeed each other soulmates. “Pony ...” (y/n) trailed as we slowly each towards each other. “(y/n) ...” I muttered as I closed the small distance between us. Our lips meet in a sweet, gentle kiss and my heart soared. I could taste the sodapop she had before on her lips and a hint of a distinct flavor. (Favorite sweet/fruit) and I longed to taste it more. But (y/n) was the first to pull away, no matter how long I wanted to continue kissing her, we separated. 

I huffed as I felt the electricity shared between us from the kiss, watching as (y/n) settled back into her seat. “Ponyboy, would you ...” she started to ask. But I cut her off, already knowing what she was going to ask. “Yes. I would love to be your boyfriend,” I told her, not being able to hold smile on my lips back. (Y/n) mirrored my smile and she got up from my seat, causing me to do the same. We reached for each other’s hand, holding tightly onto each other as we started to walk back to class. I found her, my thoughts screamed. I found my soulmate!

THE END

[lonelyheartsclubhaze]

We Sold Our Souls to Instagram

September 2020 // Chapter 2

“No, I’m not going to pick you up.” I shook my head, visibly and audibly annoyed. “You know damn well that I’m not getting behind the wheel. I’m hanging up, sorry.”

Converting potential energy into kinetic, the iPhone X left my hand, skimming across the wave-front of my bed. My hands ruffled through my hair as I inhaled then sighed, absentmindedly channelling the virtues of cellular respiration.

Tired of this perpetual bullshit, my fingers slithered across the Ikea desk before me, eventually detecting the apple of my bedroom’s Eden: a lychee ice Puff Bar. My fingers honed in on the device, ensnaring it, raising it to my lips. A deep breath saved me from the agony of sobriety, the nicotine buzz lasting a moment. Then, it was lost.

Six soft, knuckled knocks rapped at the bedroom door. “It’s unlocked,” I shouted.

A creak later, the door swung open, revealing Adam. There was nobody else in the house anyway. With a global pandemic at large and wildfires blazing on deep into September, neither Ajay nor Cam had seen Dwight House since March. Just Adam and me.

“Yo, we out,” he said, pulling a reusable, black cloth mask under his chin. “Can’t see shit outside but we still drinking, dawg.” Ah, the charming vernacular of a Korean-American friend from the elite suburbs of the East Bay.

“It’s good. What’re we feeling today?” I had actually enjoyed the past six months with Adam—it had been a good bonding experience. Despite his rough tone around me and the rest of the guys, Adam was quite versatile in social settings, weaving between upper-class gentility at investment banking info sessions and middle-aged rednecks at gun ranges. With classical Berkeley-liberal ideologies and Wall Street Journal-reading, center-right-leaning, finance friends, Adam defied social realities.

Adam shrugged. “Could go for some Chimay. I’m feeling classy.”

“Not a bad idea at all, my friend,” I said. It had been awhile since I’d had a good beer like Chimay, and I was getting sick of Coors Banquets. “On the other hand, your timing just might be—a bad idea, I mean. Air looks cancerous outside.” Marmalade light cast by the wildfires of a fuming Earth engulfed Northern California, held in suspense by cool, Pacific layers of atmosphere. It was like we were on planet Arrakis, from Dune, or trapped in the world of David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust.

“The air low-key is cancerous. AQI is pushing 180’s right now,” said Adam, raising his eyebrows.

“Looks like an N95-kinda day. I’ve got a spare, you know,” I said, gesturing to a pile of three or so N95 masks by the lamp on my desk.

Adam waved it off. “Eh, I’m good. That’s some puss shit. Let’s just run over to Crafts and Grapes or some shit, shouldn’t take long.”

I shrugged. “So be it.”

Tossing on a pair of five-and-a-half inch inseam Lululemon shorts, I joined Adam as he hopped downstairs.

“Got keys?” he asked once we reached the door.

“Yer, we out,” I said, shaking my keys out from my shorts’ pocket to lock the front door.

“Fuck,” griped Adam. “It’s actually hot as shit out here.” Smoky, red air obscured him from sight as he craned his neck to see me.

“Hence the shorts.”

Adam squinted his eyes, pursed his lips, and jutted his head back and forth, mocking me. “For sure. Forgot your MCAT-lovin’-ass could predict the future. But really though—it’s the middle of September, dude. This shit is wrong. It’s hot as balls and California is on fire and the sky is red and fools are straight-up dying off this COVID shit.”

“And you’re still an idiot,” I said, flashing a cheeky smile.

“Are you qualified to diagnose me as an idiot?”

“Maddie would say so.”

“Hence the pet names.”

“Precisely.”

“We gotta do something about this, bruh. This shit pains me to see,” declared Adam.

“Let’s start by drinking these brews. We’ll recycle the bottles after.”

We walked east on Dwight toward Telegraph, dodging cars as we skipped across the one way street. Adam was quieter than usual, for the most part, looking up from his iPhone 11 Pro Max periodically to comment on something he’d read in the news, or the glum weather. He wore a khaki short sleeve button-up, Kapital raw denim jeans with smiley face patchwork on the back left pocket, and a pair of slip-on Nike Janoski sneakers. The jeans were nice—quite expensive, from the looks of it—but looked baggy on him. He didn’t seem to mind. In fact, all of his clothes  wore a bit loose on him, akin to a fiery adolescent who’d picked out hand-me-downs from an older sibling. Who that older sibling might’ve been, I’d never know—with his unwavering demeanor, Adam always seemed like the eldest in the room.

Banking right onto Telegraph, we bore the full brunt of the veiled sun, which, though hidden behind dense clouds of smoke, now revealed its penetrating UV rays. We ducked under corrugated foam polycarbonate sheets, which lined the rooftops of mom-and-pop Telegraph shops, fending off the sun’s cancerous radiation. The insanity of the world mingled with the smoky, copper air, making me delirious. I imagined I was Mel Gibson or Tom Hardy in Mad Max, feigning off flashbacks in the Wasteland. At the corner of Telegraph and Blake street, Adam pushed and held open the door to Crafts and Grapes. Nodding my head at him in small thanks, I entered, squinting my eyes as the light shifted from hazy red to bright white inside. It was a tiny store, with two aisles directly ahead lined with candy, nuts, and other inconsequential (unless you ate too many) snacks, followed by two refrigerators: one in the back, the other on the far right. Cool, wispy air emanated from the cold storage, contrasting with the late summer atmosphere only meters behind us. A bell rang as the door squeaked to a halt, prompting the middle-eastern cashier, directly to our right, to rise from his stool and greet us. We nodded back silently, all three of us clad in masks.

Per usual, Adam took the lead, striding toward the fridge directly back. He popped open one of the see-through doors with his left hand, mapping his way through its items with his right pointer finger. Finding my eyes, Adam shook his head, indicating a lack of Chimay.

“Blue moons?” I suggested. “Mango wheats?”

Adam screwed up his face. “Fuck that. Let’s go with Lags.”

“Sure, why not.”

Adam kneeled and looped his hand through the cardboard handle of a Lagunitas StereoHopic IPA six-pack. We walked over to the register where Adam made small talk with the cashier. Eventually, he tapped his iPhone 11 to an Ingenico payment terminal, finalizing our transaction. Drinks acquired.

The bell jingled as the door shut behind us once more. We hurried home, eager to crack open our drinks, intent on droning out the blistered yonder. Adam tried to explain his enthusiasm for hoppy beers while I pretended to listen. He was distracting me, though; we both knew I couldn’t care less.

Arriving home, my keys found their way to the door, and we found our ways to the couch. A tenor beep resounded through our living room as Adam’s iPhone connected to an old speaker via bluetooth. “Street Lights” by Kanye West filled the air, followed by carbon dioxide bubbles freed by an unlikely liberator—the bottle opener.

Let me know

Do I still got time to grow?

Things ain’t always set in stone

That be known let me know

I found myself back in the hand-me-down BMW 330i, with her, the white wire packed into the lightning port of my iPhone, transmitting cosine waves that replicated the robotic voice I was listening to in my living room.

“Stop!” she cried, thrusting herself back against beige, leather seats. She wanted me to press the brakes. I had to stop the car, right, stop the car. Where were the brakes?

She was beautiful, of course.

Dark, brown hair fell over eyes of the same color, guarded by double-lids that I wish she hadn’t paid for.

Hardly anyone would notice the difference, but I did, and it hurt to know that she didn’t love them.

I loved them, unconditionally, but she loved the brakes.

Needed to find them.

We’d shared a large bowl of Marafuku’s acclaimed Hakata Tonkotsu DX ramen. I’d let her eat most of it, sneaking my chopsticks in for bites at intervals.

“Pennsylvania?” I shook my head.

“What, you’ve never been?” She tilted hers. “You’ll love it. Come with me.”

“You’re crazy,” I said, smiling. “My MCAT summer is coming up.”

She rolled her eyes. “Then I’ll help you study for it. Duh.”

“I’m sure Brandon would love that.”

“Will he? All the way from San Francisco?”

“He’ll make the trip.”

“Not if you do,” she said, melting my mind.

I was dizzy, sleepy, lost, a newborn. Vulnerable. And I couldn’t seem to find them.

I’m just not there in the streets

I’m just not there

Life’s just not fair

Life’s just not fair

Sonorant chimes reverberated in my ears as Adam clinked his glass bottle to mine. “Cheers,” he said with a nod.

“Cheers,” I echoed. Leaning my head back, I swallowed, allowing the cool liquid down my esophagus and into my gut.

“You good?” he prodded.

“Yeah,” I replied, my voice cracking a little. I cleared my throat.

“Pretty hoppy, huh?”

I took another sip, licking my lips after. “Quite. I suppose we knew what we were getting ourselves into. You know, given the ‘StereoHopic’.”

“You right.”

“Yeah.”

“Yo,” said Adam. “On another note—might be going in on an addy deal with Grace if you’re tryna hop in.”

I scratched my head. While I wouldn’t have any major exams in the near future (although midterms for my biochem course [MCB 102, for my fellow pre-med students at Cal] were slated for October sixteenth), I certainly had errands that might be eased by a twenty milligram dose of extended-release Adderall. There’s nothing like a thorough room-cleaning session when you’re high on stimulant drugs.

The first time I ever tried Adderall must’ve been during my freshman year, back in 2017. Midterm season was approaching—come to think of it, that was around this time that year—and our generous friend, Grace, was kind enough to grant me a ten milligram pill of instant-release Adderall. Grace and I, along with Adam and perhaps Ajay, too, were partaking in a midnight study session at Moffitt Library, which was open twenty-four-seven—prior to the pandemic. I popped the pill, chased it down with a Javiva drink from Peet’s, and got to work.

Twenty minutes later I began to feel its effects as the amphetamine altered monoamines in my brain, releasing surplus dopamine into my many synaptic clefts. Optimism filled me to the brim and my vision bent inward. I saw nothing but the iPad in front of me, my mind enamored by golgi apparatuses and various protein structures. The stimulant saturated me with a profound appreciation for all thoughts that meandered into my head; a giddiness originated in my heart, spreading down my arms, my legs, and outward across my skull, contracting then expanding once more. It was artificial love.

Eventually, I was distracted. Grace’s dilated pupils stared into mine as she chattered away  about Lin-Manuel Mir-something and a hurricane in Puerto Rico. After a second or two, my attention snapped away from cell membranes, landing instead on her words. The words of a girl from Colorado with a soft spot for the snow. I’d met Grace via Adam during Orientation Week and she’d quickly become one of my favorite people.

Gingerbread specks stippled her face like a George Seurat painting, fractal constellations arising as my eyes outlined her cheekbones. Gaps between long, chocolate locks revealed sepia collarbones, lined with descendants of the freckles on her face. A white Nike Alex Morgan soccer jersey overlaid the loose sweatpants that hung from her hips, held up by drawstrings I almost hoped would fail, concealing proportions that emulated golden ratios. Stained, white, laceless Vans hugged unpainted toes that tapped together when she spoke. Lips that scorned the artificially enlarged mouths of Instagram influencers communicated messages I was only barely beginning to listen to. She was the love interest of a nineties’ coming-of-age motion picture. But she wasn’t mine.

You know, I thought Adam might’ve loved her, but it was hard to tell when he was cycling through hookups with three different girls at a time. Come to think of it, I didn’t know if Adam loved anyone. A talker, yes; a charmer, certainly; but a romantic, I really didn’t think so.

He spent a lot of his time with her, no doubt. And she cared for him—anyone could see it. But she knew as well as I did that his head wasn’t in it. He wasn’t looking for love. He wanted to graduate, make money—to be someone. Sex seemed like nothing more than a physical need to him. I don’t think anyone would’ve described Adam as an emotionally vulnerable guy, and I don’t think anyone thought that emotion was what he kept those girls around for.

But at the same time, anyone could’ve seen what I saw in the way he bounced when she was around. Anyone could’ve heard the way he spoke about her. She meant something to him. But when you asked him about it, he’d brush it off; she wasn’t his type, or he had commitment issues (jokingly—but hey, grain of truth in everything).

Maybe she was his distraction from ambition—his distraction from latex-wrapped, emotionally removed nights and Wall Street Journal mornings, just as she was my distraction from cell structures.

For a good hour-and-a-half, Grace entertained me with conversation regarding natural disasters across the West; Broadway musical comparisons between Hamilton and Sunday in the Park with George; and the latest updates on Cal’s women’s soccer team, of which she was a huge fan. The Adderall certainly kept me focused, although not necessarily on my coursework.

“Let me know,” said Adam, tipping the bottle into the corner of his mouth. “I’m boutta text her back.”

I looked up from my lap at Adam. Right, I thought. “Sure, I could be down. Why not. Think you can pick me up two? I have some errands to run.”

“Twenty milligram XR work?” he asked as he tapped along the screen of his iPhone.

“That’ll do.”

The room went quiet for twenty to twenty five seconds as I was confirmed as an accomplice in the drug deal.

“What’s she been up to?” I asked.

“Hm?” he noised, raising his eyebrows without looking up.

“Grace,” I said. “Haven’t seen her much.”

He shrugged. “Not much, I guess. Drinking a solid amount though, from what I’ve seen.”

“Makes three of us.”

“Yeah,” he said, feigning a smile. “What about yours?”

“Maddie?”

“Yeah.”

I took a deep breath—inhaling, holding to the count of four, exhaling. “Not much of a difference, to be honest.”

“It’s not her fault, you know.”

“I know,” I breathed.

“Then talk to her.”

“It’s not like that,” I mumbled.

Adam paused.

I stared at my feet. “I’m sorry, Adam.”

He squinted. “The fuck you sorry for?”

“You know.”

He waved his hand aside, brushing it off. “I’m not tripping. Talk to her. Before I do it myself.”

I forced a smile. “Maybe it’s better off that way.”

“Here,” he said, handing me a two-foot-tall bong and lighter from under the coffee table. “Take it.”

Couldn’t stay away. My fingers gripped the paraphernalia as he withdrew. My heart quickened as the impending drug interaction approached. When it reached my lips, I lit, then inhaled, holding to the count of four, and then some. Blurry feelings rushed my mind as states of sufferance gave way to sedated nebulas, teaching me forgetfulness.

[annoyed-galaxy]

Torture

Fictober Prompt X

"Listen, I can't explain it, you'll just have to trust me."

Fandom: Enderal

Rating: M

Warnings: Minor language, torture, and gore

---

Clerissa woke up with shackles around her wrists. A chain formed in between the shackles and led to three other bodies that were in other corners of the room. In the middle was a large pole holding the chain.

Clerissa blinked slowly and realized how dim it was inside. She summoned a small ball of light on her fingertips and looked at the bodies.

Chests were rising, very slowly, but the creatures were alive. Clerissa stood up and moved her light over one of the bodies. She gasped as she recognized the familiar brown leather and green underclothes of Jespar Dal'Varek.

"Jes!" Clerissa whisper-shouted. The mercenary didn't move. Clerissa willed her light to move over the other two bodies. She recognized the short haired Tharael and Calia almost immediately. "Calia! Thae!"

Neither of them stirred. Clerissa looked around and saw the length of her chain. It was long enough that she could probably reach Jespar and Tharael who were on adjacent sides of her, but not Calia. Clerissa took hesistant steps towards Jespar, but couldn't reach him with her hands. She nudged him with a boot. Still, he did not move.

Clerissa rolled her eyes and gently kicked him in the stomach. The mercenary groaned and rolled onto his back. Clerissa kicked him again in his side, a little harder this time.

Jespar's eyes opened and he frowned. "Owwwww!" he said, looking at his assailant. His frown went away as he saw Clerissa. He pushed himself to his feet and went to hug her.

"I wouldn't do that," Clerissa warned, pointing to the chain that held Jespar's wrists together.

He looked at them and frowned. "If there was a lock on these things, I could lockpick it open, but there isn't. Shame."

Calia began to rustle and raised her head. "What's all the ruckus about?"

Clerissa turned and saw Tharael getting up too. "It appears we've been captured," Clerissa announced motioning to the chain that held them all together. Clerissa moved back to her corner so she could stand comfortably. "Last thing I remember is fighting the Nehrimese."

Everyone seemed to think about what they last remembered and nodded. "I remember us on a ship, but in different cells," Tharael spoke.

Clerissa turned to him. "A ship?!"

The Aeterna nodded.

Calia closed her eyes. "I remember hearing someone say we were close to docking. In Nehrim."

Jespar shrugged his shoulders. "I just remember getting knocked out by a huge guy in full steel armor."

Clerissa was still staring at Calia, processing what the Keeper had said. "Nehrim?" Clerissa whispered.

All three of them looked at the Prophetess with eyebrows raised. Clerissa leaned against the wall, her legs suddenly weak.

"Cler, you okay?" Jespar asked.

She couldn't respond. Memories came flooding back to her and suddenly, the scar on her throat began to burn. She heard the crack of a whip and thought it was just her mind remembering the sting of leather of flesh, but no.

The sound pulled Clerissa out of her hole and she blinked and looked around until she heard the crack again. There was a door in between Tharael and Calia where the muffled sound was coming from. Clerissa heard it snap again and then heard a woman cry out.

Clerissa shook her head and rubbed her eyes. "Oh gods, please tell me..." Clerissa sighed and took a shaky breath.

"What's going on Clerissa?" Tharael asked.

The Prophetess closed her eyes.

She was tied to a pole. Her chest and stomach were bare. No tunic and no undergarments. Her head was laid back, her bodied bruised and bleeding. Her back stung like it was aflame. She heard the whip crack and she cried out again as her stomach was flayed once more. Tears had dried on her face and no more came down as she was beat repeatedly.

Finally, the whip stopped and her slaver stepped inside the little room. He was a young man, maybe in his mid thirties and smiled an evil smile. "Ah, the little bitch that murdered my son and his entire regiment." The man grabbed her face and forced her to look at him. "I have something that will be most torturous for you."

The man snapped his fingers and the guards at the door parted and allowed a small and frail figure to walk in. She thought she was seeing things when the girl looked up.

Her eyes were glazed over, her skin paler than snow, and her hair had lost almost all color. Pieces of her skin were rotten and there was a hole in the side of her face where her teeth could be seen.

"No," the young Aeterna whispered as she looked at the reanimated corpse of her lover.

"Yes," the man whispered back, prowling behind Clerissa. "Your lovely, lovely girlfriend. Once a beautiful thing; now a souless creature of the undead." The man laughed as whispered into Clerissa's ears. "And a profound healer."

Clerissa flicked the man with her ear and he simply laughed before taking the tip in between her fingers. Clerissa whimpered as he pinched down and then cried out as he sliced the very tip off. Aeterna ears were sensitive and so having just a little bit cut off sent a whole wave of pain through her body.

Clerissa shook before allowing her head to drop. The man chuckled darkly and pulled her head back up with her hair. "I'm going to make you suffer as much as you made me with  the deaths of my sons."

Clerissa tried to rip her head out of the man's grasp but couldn't.

She tried to scream when he slit her throat.

Clerissa's eyes popped back open and she choked on the air she had gasped. Everyone was still looking at her, but Jespar was now beside her, overlooking her with a worried glance. "Cler what happened?"

Clerissa looked around frantically at the room they were in, the pole in the center. She knew exactly where they were. "Listen," she said, still staring at the pole. She could now see the blood stains on it. "I...I can't explain it, but you'll have to trust me. I know exactly where we're at." Clerissa took a step towards the pole. She stepped over Tharael's chain and stood in front of the door against the pole.

The chains were wrapped around the base, but Clerissa still put her back against the pole. Her body began to shake. This was the pole she was tied to when her throat was slit. She reached up and touched the scar. "Stay in your corners," she commanded her friends.

They all pushed themselves into their corners and watched as they waited. The door opened and Clerissa straightened herself against the pole. The man that stepped through had an evil smile.

But the smile on Clerissa's face was even darker.

"Hello Corvis. Ready for your torture?"

---

Cliffhangers are my specialty.

Don’t know if I ever specifically mentioned Clerissa’s past or how she got the infamous scar throat but here we are! Not exactly how I imagined I would go about explaining it, but I’m tired and didn’t know what to do for this prompt (which is late again). Now I understand why people don’t do [insert creative thing here]-tober. It’s been hard but I’ve come so far Dx.

[muthaz-rapapa]

A Break Down of All Star Memories: The Good & The Bad

This is ridiculously long so I put everything under the cut.

And I split it into the good and the bad but the good actually outweigh the bad by a lot so no wonder this was the best All Stars movie we’ve had in...wow, 7 years.

On top of that, it really did feel like an anniversary movie and I’m so glad they made that part really count.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD 

Good Points

Story 

Y’know, as much as I loved the DX movies, I admit that their storylines weren’t all that great which is why I suspect Toei tried to change that with New Stage and every other All Stars after. Except when you put new, exclusive characters in the spotlight, you kinda also take (too much) focus away from the Cures, the main reason why I want to watch the crossovers in the first place.

And I can tell they tried to find some equilibrium to that. One where they can develop a conflict and a resolution for said new character while giving the newbie Cures their time to shine. It’s difficult because there are just so many of them that you have to feature, oi. @_@;;;

Not to mention, needing to incorporate those fight scenes and climactic endings...and stupidly nerfing the established Cures to keep them on standby/out of the way until they’re needed for a dramatic entrance later. It’s been pretty formulaic one movie right after the other so by “Minna de Utau”, nothing was interesting anymore.

Then Dream Stars and Super Stars came along with a “smaller” cast but those were also so-so at best because again, it’s hard to break revamp habits and get a coherent flow of events without compromising some things along.

Now we have All Stars Memories and it’s...different.

It’s like any All Stars, the same in many aspects but still...different.

In the good way.

We have a very compelling antagonist this time and the writers did a great job of keeping the mystery about him till the reveal during the latter half of the movie. 

Then there’s Hana/Yell who was absolutely amazing as the central protagonist of this story which I’ll get to in a bit.

Finally, letting Black and White actually share that spotlight with the Hugtto girls. Not as secondary or supporting but, for a while, they were the main characters again. I haven’t even watched their seasons yet but man, did it feel awesome to see them show off their wisdom, experience and badassery as the most senior of all Precure. <3

As for the rest of them, yea, they were nerfed again but it actually makes sense this time because they’ve been turned into babies, for cryin’ out loud, and their Precure memories were taken away.

Naturally, without those memories, they can’t do their Precure stunts.

Very good, Toei. You’re finally learning from your mistakes. *thumbs up*

Anyways, despite them being powerless for most of the movie, we still made the best of their cuteness so all’s good.

Last but not least, the conclusion. For 10 years, 10 years, all the All Stars movies boiled down to almost every Cure transforming to their respective super forms and/or then holding hands together in a circle or something similar to that effect before shooting one gargantuan rainbow-attack at the Big Bad while screaming in unison, “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”.

That didn’t happen for Memories and let me say THANK GOD.

If anything, I felt that gently releasing Miden from his suffering was infinitely more impactful than the combined effect of every All Stars group attack in existence.

It was quiet but it moved the heart. And damn it, if it didn’t made you cry as well! No one was immune to tears as they recalled the times they spent with each other. And not one among them wanted to hurt Miden anymore than how hurt he was already. They all sincerely wished, as they made their way up to the top to meet Yell, to set him free.

Which brings me back to what I said in my earlier post, about what this movie is trying to remind us about Precure: you don’t save people by fighting them, you save them with love.

Compassion, not retaliation.

Wow.

Animation

You can immediately tell that Toei spared no expense in making this movie look as fabulous as possible. Whether it’s a fight scene or a light-hearted moment, everything is not only shiny, colorful and bright. It’s polished to the extent that if there was a mistake somewhere, it’s hardly noticeable to even be existent. At least I didn’t notice any flaws while I was watching it.

Moreover, that 3D.

Actually, this should come as no surprise to those who’s seen all the EDs up to this point. They’ve been steadily making improvements in this area for the past few years and there were even times during the movie that I couldn’t tell whether I was still watching 3D or if it switched back to 2D.

They move back and forth between the two formats so smoothly that you literally have to stop paying attention to the story to notice when they make the shift.

It’s so seamless that it left me speechless, to be honest.

Sympathetic, well-written antagonist 

Like I said earlier, Miden is a very interesting adversary in the fact that he’s just as much the victim as he is the “villain”.

Unlike past All Stars villains, he was not motivated by evil or greed. He wasn’t a manifestation of another person’s negative feelings nor was he manipulated or brainwashed into doing bad deeds.

Miden was just an extremely lonely soul who had no way of communicating to people just how much he was suffering because his true form is that of a discarded camera.

And when you learn of his backstory, how the film in the camera was removed because those memories weren’t his to keep. How he spent what felt like ages in the dark being tortured inside out by that hollowness. How eventually he couldn’t take it anymore and turned into a monster in order to find a way flee from that pain. Don’t you feel sorry for him?

I did. I felt so bad for Miden because most people, in their entire lifetime, are lucky enough to never have to experience this sort of thing. Even if your unpleasant memories outnumbered your good ones, at least you have them and can go on to make good ones.

Miden had nothing but a faint recollection that he used to carry someone else’s memories and for years, he could do nothing to change it.

So it’s understandable he’d been driven insane by that.

Also, the fact that his spirit form resembles a teru teru bozu and the significance of the never-ending rain we see when Yell reaches the core of his heart.

Teru teru bozu are believed to have powers to bring good weather (aka make the clouds and rain go away).

But no matter how hard Miden tried to bring the sun back, by stealing other people’s memories and surrounding himself with their brilliance, it still rained non-stop. The darkness still lingered inside him. He may have the light of those memories but the feelings that come with them are not his. They still belong to the owner of those memories. That’s why he’d never be able to fill the void inside him.

It’s not enough to just have. He had to understand what it means to have them as well.

Truly, the portrayal of his character that encompassed all those troubled feelings of his is one of the things that makes this movie so memorable.

The frantic way he moves about, how his eyes creepily open and close like a camera lens and how he even sounds like a deprived ghost starving for something to make him whole again. How you eventually realize he’s more severely unstable (jumping frequently between moods from childishly gleeful to violently angry) than he is outright malicious...

And just how tired and sad he is when we finally learn the full truth about him.

Miden is pretty much a child himself. A very lost child who really needed a hug from someone and for them to tell him it’s alright now and that he no longer has to hurt.

Miden is not human and he may be fictional... but he certainly felt real (bonus for casting Mamoru Miyano to voice him) and in some moments, maybe even realer than an actual person.

Which is why I was so genuinely happy for him when he got his happy ending. I never felt that deeply or related to that deeply about a movie-exclusive character before so I’m glad Miden has the honor of being the first.

Cure Yell/Hana

I’ll admit it, I don’t think I ever officially warmed up to Hana. I’m always wary these days on whether I can accept the genki girl archetype into my good graces and when Hugtto began, Hana was just a little too cartoonish that she threw me a distance away further.

However, throughout this season, I can see the progress she’s made. I saw her grow from simply being optimistic with little to no basis for her confidence (in fact, I believe most of her early cheeriness was just a lot of bravado) into a person who understands that you won’t get what you want right away just by charging into it. In fact, it takes several tries, several trips and falls, maybe even a failure or two before you really find your footing again to press on.

I mean, she’s still the same Hana from the beginning in many respects. Brimming with energy, loud, silly, and prone to exaggerating.

But her development shows how she’s really matured. Before, her reaction to everything always seemed to be “cheer till your throat gets sore!”. 

Nowadays, she takes time to pause and think before leaping (well, in some cases). She’s learned to accept hardship, no matter how hard it is to swallow, while still retaining a strong belief in the future.

And the movie kinda revisits all that development from the show.

Like the part when her entire team gets turned into babies, Hana broke down from all the stress that came with trying to take care of them.

When Precure are fighting, they actually don’t need to think much. They only have to focus on defeating the enemy in front of them.

But this dilemma was new for Hana and much more complicated than beating any enemy. Not even babysitting Hugtan was enough to help prepare her for getting four (ok, three) very fussy toddlers to just stay in one spot.

On top of that, her dearest friends forgot who she was as well and were constantly trying to run away from her because without their memories, Hana was essentially a stranger to them.

It was all too much for Hana to handle and she cracked because she didn’t know what to do. How to change them back, how to get them to remember her, how to stop them from crying. Hana was extremely overwhelmed.

And this scene and the voice acting felt so raw because of how Hana’s hopelessness was portrayed. Even full-fledged adults would tell you how hard this hits home cuz hey, sometimes even they don’t know what to do when the problem get the better of them.

Moreover, like Nagisa said, Hana is still a middle school girl. Despite having magical abilities that enable her to save the day, she’s still a child. You can’t ask the impossible of her. She can’t be a strong heroine every waking moment. She needs a break to deal with her frustration just like anybody else does.

But once she does give herself a moment to cry it out and witnesses the strength of Nagisa and Honoka’s bond, she realizes that just because the current situation is bad doesn’t mean she’s lost anything. She still has her memories of her friends and she still has powers to protect them. And protect them she will cuz that is what Nono Hana would do. The Nono Hana she wants to be.

As long as she still has a future she wants to reach, there’s no hurdle she can’t overcome. There is no reason why she should ever give up.

This is one of the most incredible things about Hana, really. It’s what drew the Hugtto girls to her in the first place and is essentially what won them their memories back and returned them back to her side.

Then there’s the final confrontation with Miden.

Notice how Hana was the the first among the only available Precure at the time to question Miden’s motives for stealing other people’s memories.

Even when Miden mercilessly launched another attack at them after they discovered his true identity, Hana did not lift a finger against him. And when he swallowed everyone whole, she was still trying to figure out what it meant, how painful it was, to have no memories to call your own.

She clung to him, refused to leave his mind even when every other Cure went back to normal and withstood all his resistance to reach the depths of his heart.

In the end, Hana could never understand that emptiness Miden felt because she always had her memories. She never lost them like Miden did.

But if there’s one thing she does know, one thing she can relate to, it’s this: Miden wasn’t satisfied with who he was so he tried his best to become what he wanted to be.

Once she knew that, there was no more reason to fight him. What she needed to do was save him. And that wasn’t by using magic.

It was by easing Miden’s anguish. Hugging him, talking gently with him, sharing with him the warmth he lacked and which she had plenty to give, and letting him know that he can get a second chance. That he can be the Miden wants to be.

Miden can do anything. Miden can be anything.

And she’ll be with him every step of the way.

By now, everybody should understand the reason why Cure Yell was designed like a cheerleader.

It’s not only because Hana shows enthusiastic, outwardly support for the person she’s rooting for but also because when they can’t be at their best, she’ll still be there for them. If you need to cry, she’ll be there to hold you. If you’re in doubt, she’ll try to think of a way out with you. Even if she can’t give you exactly what you’re looking for, she’ll always, always be there for you.

And she’s done a fantastic job at being the heroine she was meant to be.

Good job, Hana. All of us cannot be more proud of how far you’ve come.

Emotional scenes

It’s pointless to describe these moments in words as you really need to watch them to get that resonance echoing throughout your chest and the waterworks flowing.

But this probably being the best All Stars in history (I’m really getting to that point where I can firmly say it is), I think I’m required to list a few. Namely...

Nagisa standing up against Miden, saying all the reasons why he is NOT Yukishiro Honoka and how only Honoka, her Honoka, can be Yukishiro Honoka, and demanding that Miden return the one she loves most in the world.

FutariWa fans, are y’all still alive? 8D

Then of course, Hana saving Miden from his despair.

And the tear-inducing finale.

Again, it’s quiet but profoundly beautiful in a way Precure hasn’t been before.

And you have no soul if you didn’t feel even the least like crying during this part. *sniff*

Insert Song “Rewind Memory” 

This song is beyond awesome and every bit of it pretty much screams “PRECURE!” all the way across the globe.

I mean, lyrics-wise it’s just like a lot of the Precure insert songs before it. Idealistically and generically beautiful with it words. And frankly, when it plays in the movie, you kinda almost don’t hear it with all the action going on.

But the melody and instrumentals? Andand those vocals by the first and most recent Precure OP singers?! The emotions it evokes when you do listen to it by itself?

It’s okay, I’ll cry with you. *hands you a tissue* (;w;)

Baby Precure

Need I say more? I didn’t think so.

Humor

Well, this one’s a given because you can’t make an All Stars entirely dark and sad.

However, I found I was more receptive to the funny bits this time around. Maybe because I really needed a good laugh after all those serious moments? Maybe because it was combined with the cuteness of the babies? 

I dunno but I really enjoyed it, nonetheless. (^ ∀ ^)

Everybody got speaking lines

YEA-HUH.

Everybody.

I mean, not everyone got a full sentence. A lot of them were limited to only one line or even one word and most of it was either yelling out their attacks, their catchphrase (mostly the Pink Cures), their group call, some other Cure’s name, or just a kiai shout.

But yea, EVERY Cure present, for the first time since DX3, spoke at least once in this movie!

Woohoo~! ✽-(ˆ▽ˆ)/✽ ✽\(ˆ▽ˆ)-✽

Interaction among Cures in their civilian forms

Ok, so the last part didn’t have any of them talking with each other but we do see them mingling outside their usual groups and that’s all I can ever ask for.

*sighs happily* I need to go over this again when I do that funny/cute/awesome moments compilation which will also be ridiculously long but hey, can you blame me? This movie is just that good.

ED dance

Dancing and singing in the ending credits are such a staple of the Precure franchise (as much as the fighting elements is, I must add) that any season or movie without them feels wrong somehow.

Perhaps that’s why I didn’t really like Dream Stars or Super Stars outside of the few things I did like in them. Because even if the rest of it is sub-par or even downright awful like Haru no Carnival or Minna de Utau, I can always count on the CGI dancing and singing to be the saving grace for the movie.

Yea, it’s narmy and the songs are cheesy and corny and will give you diabetes and all that stuff but that’s what makes Precure utterly charming.

Without that, it’s just something I want to skip to see if there are any post-credits scene.

?

These are the points I have unsure feelings about. They’re neither good nor bad. They’re just stuck in the middle and I just wanted to get them out for the sake of it.

Panty shots - Granted, I think every Cure is wearing either bloomers or shorts under their skirts anyway but it was so awkward to see it from this angle multiple times during the movie that the silly child inside me was compelled to go “Mommy, look! I can see her undies!”

(;; ^ ▽ ^)

Fourth-wall breaking/Deus Ex Machina (aka Miracle Lights) - Arguably the weakest aspect of every Precure movie in general but since these are primarily aimed at children and the fact that they positively love these gimmicks, I’m not in a position to say anymore than that.

*zips my trap shut* :x

Bad Points

These are just based what I felt were bad. No need to get personal or offended as that was not my intention. These ARE NOT facts, they’re just my opinions.

That one line from Harry - The one where he told Hana to pull herself together when she broke down crying and Nagisa chewed him out for it.

Yea, ok, canon!Harry would NOT say such an insensitive thing like that to any of the girls when they’re down. Harry is NOT that type of guy.

Especially not after he’s been with them for so long so this OOC-ness was quite a shock for me.

I don’t know why the writers seem to hate him but Harry’s always been on the end of somebody’s criticism for the dumbest things. Except this time, it’s not dumb, it’s just plain stupid mis-characterization. 

The fact that Nagisa immediately scolds him right after he says that makes me believe they were just itching to give Nagisa something to say during this situation.

But did you really have to use Harry as a verbal punching bag? Couldn’t you have done it a little more nicely?

Harry’s role was already reduced to being stuck as the talking mascot for 99% of the movie so why you have to write him in a way that would get him bad rep?

Stupid Toei.

Violence against defenseless girls/shock factor - When Miden attacked an untransformed Hana and Nagisa, I really could not believe what I saw with my own two eyes.

I mean, it’s not unbelievable. It’s just that attacking the Cures in their civilian forms rarely ever happens. In fact, I can’t recall a time it ever happened???

So when it happened, I was like “WTF?!!!?!”

ARGH, I’m talking in circles.

But seeing the girls get physically hurt in a way where magic cannot protect or heal them from serious damage afterwards reminded me of when I watched Pocahontas for the first time in theaters. 

That moment when Kocoum got shot? Scared the shit outta me that I couldn’t go anywhere by myself for months. That was the first time I ever saw someone die on screen and it left a scar I could never forget.

So I don’t have to imagine how scary and upsetting it was for the babies when they saw their temporary guardians get blown off their feet right in front of them.

Yea, sure, nobody died here and it triggered Honoka getting her memories back but I’ll always be asking “Did they really have to take it that far?”

...good god, I don’t even want to think how many little kids cried in the theater when they saw this. I hope none of them did. I hope they’re all okay.

...I may be overreacting but I still hope they’re okay.

It’s finished. I’m done. Please don’t let me do this again.

*falls over dead* ◎☆（♯××）┘

[dannilea]

The Masks We Wear

The next fic for These Fragile Things We Build

Rating: G Summary: Bozer is the one person in his life he never had to hide any part of himself from, until now. OR; the first time Mac has to lie to Bozer. Word count: 1,177 Also can be found on AO3 and FFN

Mac was exhausted. He and Jack had been moving non-stop for the better part of a week and Mac felt like he was a walking bruise. Boot camp and basic training was exhausting. EOD training was exhausting. Training with Jack after they’d been recruited by the DXS made Mac feel he’d been ground into paste and mashed into the floor. What Mac felt now was something similar to that.

All he really wanted to do was collapse into bed and sleep for a week.

First though, he had to get past Bozer. Bozer, who had a finely honed ‘my best friend is spewing absolute bullshit about being fine’ radar that was built on thirteen years of friendship. If Boze even suspected Mac was half as sore and bruised as he was, Bozer’d tie him down to the couch and never let him leave.Mac stared down at his doorknob, keys in hand, and vaguely wondered if just passing out on the porch until Bozer left for work was an option. Maybe he could just call Jack and have him come back to pick him up and just crash in Jack’s guest room (though Jack would really only let him get away with it once before he forced him to actually deal with his problems, but whatever).

Mac sighed before pushing his key into the lock and opening the door. Mac hefted his duffle bag higher up on his shoulder and did his best not to limp as he walked toward the kitchen, where he could hear – and smell – his best friend cooking breakfast.

“Mac!” Bozer grinned when Mac came up by the counter, dropping his bag and nudging it out of the way with his foot. Boze dumped some batter into a pan – looked like he was making pancakes and eggs. Mac hadn’t really been hungry before, but it seemed like his stomach was changing its mind, which was fair since Bozer made the best pancakes.

“I was starting to think you were never getting home man. Didn’t you leave the airport hours ago?” Bozer continued talking as he cooked.

“Yeah,” Mac replied as he eased himself onto a bar stool, “Had to swing by work first and file some paperwork. I have the rest of today and tomorrow morning off before I have to go back to the office and finalize everything, though.”

“Man, who knew a think tank would require so much paperwork.” Bozer started grabbing plates and utensils, eyeballing Mac.

Mac knew Bozer (and pretty much everyone else they knew) thought Mac was too skinny. Boze had been determinedly been trying to get Mac to put on weight since they were ten, and it never worked. Every time Mac had returned to Mission City to visit while on leave, Boze never stopped throwing food at him. Bozer would swear up and down at every leave that Mac had lost weight (though he was a little less vehement about that after he was paired up with Jack. Probably because Jack would physically drag him away to eat if he had to rather than let Mac skip eating to work on his projects).

“It’s probably because of all the government contracts,” Mac replied, swiping the syrup as soon as Bozer sat Mac’s plate in front of him. Unfortunately, the reach for syrup pulled on Mac’s sore ribs, and he wasn’t quite able to hide his wince from Bozer.

“You okay, Mac?” Bozer asked as he leaned on the counter across from Mac.

“Yeah,” Mac said, “just sore from sitting in the plane so long, I guess.”

Lie, Mac thought. The soreness was from the bruises running down his ribs in a rather spectacular rainbow of color. The plane ride probably didn’t do him any favors in the soreness department, really, so not a big lie but…

Mac still hated lying to his best friend. Ever since he joined the army, there were times he couldn’t give details about what he was doing to Bozer, and Bozer understood that. But even then, Mac had never outright lied to Bozer. He knew, when he had been looking over the employment paperwork with DXS, that it would be different; Jack had warned him that working as an intelligence operative would, at times, require lying and deceit in his personal life towards the people around him that didn’t and couldn’t know where he was or what he was doing.

Despite Jack’s warnings about the life of an intelligence operative largely being one of deception (especially around the people you love), he hadn’t really had to lie to Bozer so far. Jack told him it was because the DXS was starting them off lightly, seeing what they were capable of as a team, but he’d been hoping it would last.

Lying about how sore he was minor, but…

Mac’s stomach rolled, and he poked at his eggs with his fork.

“Want some ibuprofen then? Or the heating pad?” Bozer frowned and nudged Mac’s plate when he noticed Mac had stopped eating.

“No,” Mac answered. “I’ll be okay. Probably just going to go to sleep after you go to work, honestly.”

Mac swirled his fork through his eggs, not looking up. Bozer finished his own plate, dropped it in the sink, and grabbed his keys off the counter.

“You sure you’re feeling alright man? I know you love my pancakes and eggs and you’ve hardly touched them. I can stay home if you need me, dude.”

“No,” Mac said again. “I’m just tired.”

“Okay Mac, if you’re sure,” Bozer said. He walked over and threw an arm around Mac’s shoulders, giving him a quick side hug. “Call me if you need anything bro, see ya in nine hours.”

Mac weakly smiled at Bozer. “See you later, Boze. Have a good day at work.”

Bozer left, and Mac kept staring down at his plate, not really hungry anymore. Pancakes and eggs; just like Bozer made every time Mac came home over break at MIT or for leave in the army, and, recently, work trips. Mac knew it was Bozer’s way of welcoming him home and reminding him that, even with his family dead and gone (or in his dad’s case, just plain gone), that he still had people to come back to, that there were people who still loved him and worried about him.

Mac wrapped an arm around his bruised ribs and wondered how many more times he would come home with a bruised and aching body (and maybe, one day, worse) and have to lie to Bozer about why he was hurting or even how. Eventually, Mac knew, he would even have to lie about where he was going. So far Mac has gotten away with the truth, but he knew he wouldn’t much longer. Even just that tiny kind-of lie of why he was sore now left a bad taste in his mouth and a pit in his stomach.

How many more times was he going to lie to Bozer while sitting in front of Bozer’s special welcome home breakfast?

[wallas-dinston]

Hello! So this is another excerpt from the fanfic I wrote a while ago. For context, the POV is from Sunshine Curtis, middle child of the Curtis siblings, who had a relationship with Johnny Cade. This is the end of the story as she is working through her emotions. Please let me know if you like it!

I passed Darry as he walked through the door, stepping outside for fresh air. The sun was setting. The intricate swirls of orange and pink seemed to set a golden blanket across the town. It was beautiful. I wished I could stay that way forever. I cried silently, until Pony saw me and stopped me. He sat down next to me silently, but had an expectant look on his face. I didn't know how to put how I was feeling into words. It was almost too much for me alone.

“It's over. They're gone. But I can't stop fighting it! I'm tired. I'm tired of letting all the emotions overtake me. But I don't know how to stop. I can never just stop. I always have to push everything.” I wailed. I was frustrated and desperate and dejected. Pony grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes, calming me.

“Sunshine Curtis, It is not over. Things will get better in the end. If they aren't better, it isn't the end. Don't beat yourself up. They wouldn't want to see you like that. Now smile. You look better that way.” I grinned at him and wiped my eyes. He was right. Things would change, and things will crush me and burn me and bring me down, but I had to fight through it. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. And I might not be able to see it right now, there might be fog hindering the glow, but the storm will calm and I would make it there. I hugged him strongly, smiling.

“Thank you.” I whispered, walking away. I stepped back inside of the house, reaching my bedroom. I put on the jacket, Johnny’s jacket, and began to exit the house. I knew where I was headed. I walked down the sidewalk, remembering Johnny, his smile, the auburn strands that mixed in with his hair, the way he smelled like earth after rain. His face glinting in the moonlight, the way his eyes sparked when he looked at me. I remembered the feeling I got every time I talked to him, the way his arms felt along my shoulders, the feeling of the grass tickling our feet as we danced under the stars. I remembered the faint golden freckles that dotted his face. I passed the house he cursed and cared for, the house that trapped him, and formed him into who he was. I passed Bucks house, the temporary home of Dallas Winston, a role model, a hoodlum, a friend. A breeze blew past me, circling me. The wind whispered in my ear, filling my head with the sound of Johnny’s laugh, Dally’s quick remarks. Even the officers would miss seeing Dallas. He weaved his way into your life, making it interesting. I walked by the Nightly-Double, feeling the soft denim of Johnny’s jean jacket lying upon my shoulders, the warmth of Johnny’s loving and cute remarks. The gum wrapper notes I stuck in his pocket. I recalled the sound our shoes made as we raced down the pavement, and the way you could hear the smile in his voice when he was happy. That was the way I would remember Johnny, because I was the only one that could get him to open up and talk. Other people would remember him as I saw him in the hospital, as timid, skittish and weak. They would see a puppy that had been kicked too many times. But he was so much more than that. I wanted to remember the side of him that was almost exclusively saved for me. The one that laughed wildly, and was sweet and kind. I passed the empty lot, where our friendship had begun so many years ago.

Me and Darry walked onto the gravel strewn grass of the empty lot. We used it as a shortcut to get home from school sometimes. I passed through the area, noticing a kid, he looked around my age, five, and he was badly injured. I took Darry’s hand, who was responsible for walking me home, and lead him over to the boy. He was slumped up against a tree, with a black eye and multiple other bruises on his body.

“Are you okay?” I asked sympathetically. He looked up at me with large puppy dog eyes, tears lining them. He shook his head no, and I rushed over to him. I looked up at Darry expectantly.

“Im Sunshine. What's your name?” I asked lightheartedly.

“Johnny Cade.” He mumbled.

“Johnnycakes? That's a funny name. I have brothers with funny names too. Sodapop and Ponyboy.” I laughed. He laughed too.

“No. Johnny CADE.” He pronounced. I flushed red from my error. Darry looked concerned, and he was pondering something.

“Maybe you should come home with us. My parents can fix you up.” Darry offered. Johnny looked hesitant, but accepted the offer. He smiled at me and I smiled back as we started down the road towards my house, also known as the Curtis’s.

I smiled from the memory. I looked up from the ground and realized I had reached my final destination. I sat down on the swings we had shared so many talks on. We stated our worries to each other, and always left laughing. The sunset was the richest I had ever seen it, the colors popping from the sky. It felt like Johnny was sending a message, saying hello. A single tear rolled down my cheek, as I held myself. I looked up at the sky, watching the clouds swirl and mix. My heart flooded, and I saw him and all he was in that sunset.

“I love you too, Johnny Cade.” I whispered to the sky, the breeze carrying my words away and through the town, down the roads I knew so well. And as soon as they were spoken they had disappeared, taken away and gone with the wind.

When I was younger I would always try to escape the world; close my eyes and create a dream world, a fantasy. I was caught up in my bedtime stories. Nobody was ever hurt. Nobody left you. It was unrealistic, but I didn't mind. Life was simpler. The whole world seemed to be one block wide and our problems were so small. Goodbye only meant, ‘See you tomorrow!’ And we lived our lives without a worry in the world. I grew up with dirt on my knees and cuts on my elbows. We thought we were cool, smoking and sitting on the curb, trying our best to act tuff. We were full of youthful vigor. We felt invincible. And I liked it that way. It was blissful inside my ignorant mind. I felt so sure of myself. And I never wanted to grow up anyhow. I was sacred to.

Well, I’ve made it to ‘older’ and I understand. Life is unfair, and it hurts you, but you have to take the good with the bad. I have lost people, but gained so many things. Friends, knowledge, a better understanding of who I am. Life is one big lesson, one big chance to learn and grow. But sometimes it catches up to you. Time is less expendable than it is thought to be. I know the real meaning of tough now, too. Dallas strived to reach it his whole life, but he was far off. He was looking in all the wrong places. Being tough was living through hard things and not letting it break you, but letting it make you stronger. Dally broke. He had lost. But I hadnt, and I never would. I used to be scared of the dark and the things that lurked in it, but now I find comfort in the night. It reminds me of the people I lost along the way, and the stars of how they lit up my life. Johnny still lives in the quiet black, and the wild and free things of the night bring Dally along with them. My parents live within the love and wonder of the cool air. And they aren't really gone, they never will be. Their words formed me into the person I am today, and continue to shape me and affect me. I don't force things anymore. Whatever happens happens. Deep down I am still a child, but I know more now.

A sudden feeling of closure overtook me, and I knew it would all be okay. My whole being felt lighter as I stood up from the swingset, taking one last look at the sky before heading on my way. I was ready. Not to move on, but to move forward. I knew I would never move on. Nobody would. But that was alright. I walked back through the town, retracing my steps. I kicked stones on the sidewalk, smiling to myself when I spotted the dandelion growing from a small crack in the pavement. I bent down and snapped the stem, picking up the flower gently. The oncoming fall had turned the once yellow petals to small puffy skeletons of their former beauty. My mom used to laugh when I picked them. “They are weeds, Sunshine.” She would say. And I would always reply, “Beautiful weeds.” I suppose that some saw a weed while others saw a wish. I took a moment to blow on the fragile flower, my conscience speaking a small wish as I did. I disregarded the green twig from my now sticky fingers and continued walking again. The emotion I was feeling was so oddly unexplainable. It was almost . . . light orange. I passed my house as well as the Shepard household, where the grass doesn't seem to grow. I passed the small drugstore in the center, and the DX gas station. I walked and walked, dreaming the whole way, until the road seemed to slowly get smoother and the houses larger. Reading the street signs carefully, I realized how even they sounded more extravagant. Seminole Street, Birmingham Ave, Grand View, Fostoria Street. I had to catch my mind from drifting off again, making sure I didn't miss the one I was looking out for. I turned onto the street once I found it and read all the house numbers. 367, 398, 405, 426. And then I was there. 431 Cedar Street. I knocked on the door, which after a moment slowly opened to reveal a familiar face. A pair of green eyes greeted me.

“Hey.” I smiled. “Are you still up for that movie?”

[darkspellmaster]

E3 2018 Thoughts on Nintendo

So Nintendo over the years has learned to show only what’s coming out soon rather than bait fans with a teaser for a game that is way out in production (Looking at you Sony and Microsoft). In addition, they used their direct this year to push forward the versatility of the Switch as well as give a huge show of appreciation to the Smash Pro community that pretty much built itself from the ground up.  I will give Nintendo this much, their booth this year, while not as cool as the Mario one last year, did have a lot going on and the game lines for just Smash and Let’s go Pokemon were over 4 hours long. They had to cut them off on all three days and set up areas for people to watch others play on big screens.

Also both of their tournaments did strong numbers this year, showing that Splatoon and Smash are still hitters in the E-sports area. Though now I hope Arms gets in there because that game is fun.

Dameon X Machenia reminded me a hell of a lot of the Super robot Wars games that come out for Gundam and other series. Yet this was very different. Flying robots to fight what looks like monsters/mecha seems like a fun way to pass the time. Also, based on the Tree house showing, there’s a customization element going on not just with the avatar (which you can chose your gender) but also the robot itself and it’s weapons. There’s also an area that looks to allow online play along with a single player campaign. Again, mixed feelings, unless you can invite people into the server that you want playing with you so that you know no jerks will just jump in and ruin the game. Over all I like what I see, but it’s a ways out. Nice of them to start with something exciting.

Super Mario Party looks amazing. So apparently we can have four players to one switch via the tv set up, but also two switches can be made to change up the board, which brings up the question, can you have more than four players playing if you have three or more switches? It’s Mario Party so most people know the drill for this one. I do like that they kept in a lot of things from the older titles and apparently we’re going to have Bowser as an option to play. This should be interesting to see, and probably will be a buy for me once I’m done with my back log of games.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 Torna the Golden DLC. This could practically be a game in and of itself given the way that the story is taking shape here. It looks really interesting and is certainly filling in gaps in the story that we had from XC2. What I’m wondering is if Xeno will rival FF, Tales and DQ in the future with the story telling and now the world building. I should note too that the Challenge mode brought back in Shulk and Fiora from the first Xenoblade Chronicles story. Visually the game looks amazing and really got me excited to buy the DLC, and, apparently there is a second edition that let’s you get both the DLC and the original game. Similar to the FF XV Royal edition.

This one is the one that I’ve personally been waiting for. As a Fire Emblem Fan since way back from the Game Boy Advanced Version, it’s exciting to see an new FE show up on the Switch. Fire Emblem Three Houses showed up and wow. Since this is clearly an incomplete game there’s things that need to be worked on, but from what we saw I would say it’s really visually amazing. Reportedly the artist that did the art for the Uta wa no Prince Sama series is providing the art here. Though I don’t know because others are saying it reminds them of the artist from the Persona Series. I will say though that the character’s look amazing, and the fact that it’s not an Avatar in this game means that a lot of the story and depth of the story will rely on the characters interacting with one another. Another cool thing was the system where you can train the characters in different triangle weapons, which can become useful. From what we’ve seen there appears to be an open world aspect of this, and you can run around. Also units now have warriors with them and can create formations based on what you need. Over all this looks fun and the animation for the cut scenes are top notch. I won’t lie I’m a bit biased on this one.

Fortnite was a good move on the switch’s part, and the fact that they showed it in a way that is different than how Sony, Microsoft, or PC shows the game means that they can pull in players that normally may not want to play this. The vibrant color had me going “Wait…is that Fortnite? What the hell? Is it really that goofy?” as most version I’ve seen have had people wearing serious clothing rather than the goofy stuff that you can get. Honestly, if I was good at shooters and liked them, this trailer would have made me pick it up. I hope that people playing on PC and Xbox are having fun with Nintendo players…Sony, I know you were burned in the past by Nintendo, and have issues with Microsoft and for some odd reason hate PCs, but come on…stop locking people out of playing with others. Sheesh!

Hollow Knight, another interesting showing here. Hollow Knight I heard was a good get for the switch, given that it’s a fan favorite. Mix of platforming and fighting will work well on the switch. To be honest while it’s cute and all I’ll have to see if I want to get it.

Killer Queen Black is a surprise for some people, as it was a small arcade game that had a loyal following but was believed to not be able to be put on a console system. Apparently they did it. It seems to be a timed exclusive so it may not stay just on the Switch. Looks like fun, but I’m not a bee fan honestly. But it looks nice and I’m sure that other people will love to play it.

Overcooked 2, I can’t wait to get. It seems like an awesome game and one that I will be playing a lot with friends. Reminds me a bit of dinner dash but with puzzle elements and strategy. Should be a good buy for people that want to have something a bit more relaxing to play in it’s own way.

Octopath Traveler showed up again, and mentioned a new Demo. Square later went on at E3 to say that they’re going to make a division for the Switch so that’s a promising thing. The game’s demonstration at the tree house has made this a day one for me, which is rare outside of again, Fire Emblem. So this has me very excited and I hope to see more games like this and others from Square Enix on the Switch.

Let’s Go Pokemon: Pikachu/Evee. Pretty much seemed like Pokemon Yellow. I mean, you play with Pikachu following you around rather than in the ball, and it combines elements of pokemon go. On top of that you can transfer pokemon from go to the game, and you get a mew in the new pokeball add on...although I wish the price was a bit lower for that pokeball. Sheesh! 

They had a quick run down of games coming out including: Octo Expansion, SNK Heroines Tag Team Frenzy, Dragon Ball Fighter Z, Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate, Ninjala, Paladins: Realm Royale, Roller Coaster Tycoon Switch, Starlink: Battle for Atlas, Tales of Vesperia: Definitive Edition (may have shown this it went fast), sushi Striker. 

Smash Brothers Ultimate, I know some were disappointed that this took up so much time, but there’s something that has to be said. This is really, outside of maybe the bigger tournaments, that Nintendo has shown that they have been paying attention to the pro scene for their fighting game. With all the tweeks that they did to this game, and allowing the characters in there the way that they did, they’re going to be a contender at larger game tournaments like Evo and the like. Back when the switch was first show in 2017 there was the whole E-sports section, and I think that Nintendo is actually looking into that with some of it’s games. The various things, like the one on one fighting being made to be more devastating when you have solo fights means that, for pros, the game will move faster. Having the different stage styles also means it’s better for the competition scene so that the game can be played there.

I’m glad to see Ice Climbers back, all my Fire Emblem characters are still there, Wii Fit is back, the amazing Pit is there still, I love that we now have Daisy –my girl –as a character to play as, and we finally got Ridley –after all this time… Now Sakurai, please put in Takamaru from the Mystery of Muramasa castle as not an assist and I will praise you to the high heavens. Oh yeah and Proto and Base (Bass?) are in Megaman’s smash now. (Proto as an echo fighter please? Or Zero?)

As for the other games that are coming out to Switch, while they didn’t show them all…here’s the list from E3 2018 of the games that are coming:

Adventure Time: Pirates of the Enchiridion

Bomber Crew

Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy –Rumors are going around that Spyro may also be coming too

Dead Cells

Defender's Quest: Valley of the Forgotten DX

Dragon Quest XI –apparently yes it is coming for the switch.

The Elder Scrolls: Legends –tired of this being on your phone…use it on the Switch on the go.

Fallout Shelter

Fate Extella Link –Hey what do you know…the Fate series is now on the Switch

FIFA 19

Freedom Planet

Gal Metal –music game that has an interesting story

Galak-Z: Variant S –You like Gundam? You like arcade games? Well this is right up your alley

Harold Halibut

Just Dance 2019

Kingdom: Two Crowns

LEGO DC Supervillains

Little Dragons Café –What if you could raise dragons in the world of Harvest Moon, same creators

Mario + Rabbids DLC

Mario Tennis Aces –This was kind of interesting to see in the Tree house, making me consider getting it.

Mega Man 11

My Friend Pedro –Yeah the gag game that is coming to PC from Digital Revolver, it’s on the Switch.

My Hero Ones Justice –For those of us who want to smash things with Lord Murder Explosion (Bakugo)

NBA Live 19

Planet Alpha

Raji: An Ancient Epic

Shining Resonance Refrain –Kind of wish this one was shown, but Sega does what Sega does…

Spintires: MudRunner –basically you want to play with all terrain vehicles…then here you go.

State of Mind

Super Meat Boy Forever

Team Sonic Racing

Trials Rising –wish they would have shown some of this

Valkyria Chronicles 4 –Sega….you should have had your own direct…seriously

'V-Rally 4

Wargroove

Arcade Donkey Kong

That’s a lot of games coming out for the Switch…most of these would be fun to play…and that’s not even listing the ones that were already out prior to E3.

Over all, for presentation regarding the use of the Direct, I’d say A- to a B mostly because of the variety. Though I do think that they could have elongated their direct to give more showings of the games that weren’t Smash that were coming to the Switch. 

[merriammusicinc]

Yamaha P515 Digital Piano Review & Demo

Introduction

In this article, we're going to be taking a look at Yamaha's P515, the flagship of Yamaha's P series. We'll be looking at the action, the sound engine and obviously talking about the rest of its features and what other instruments you could be looking at in parallel to the Yamaha if you are on a search for a portable instrument in that $1,500 to $2,000 price range.

Yamaha P515 Digital Piano Review Video Transcription

Sound Engine:

We'll start by discussing the sound. The P515 happens to be equipped with a pretty advanced tone engine, with 256 maximum note polyphony. For people out there who aren't too sure what polyphony is or why it's potentially important, a given digital piano's polyphony count represents the maximum number of individual tones that this can sort of simultaneously play at one time. We have detailed video on our YouTube channel explaining polyphony in more depth if you're interested. 256 note polyphony means you could technically hold the damper pedal down, sweep all the way up and down the piano voices three times before the processor starts dropping notes. Under any normal playing circumstance, 256 notes polyphony is plenty and has become the standard for higher quality instruments, starting around the $2,000 price point and going and up from there.

In terms of the sound engine itself, the main acoustic piano samples Yamaha has used here is their Yamaha CFX concert grand piano as well as the Bosendorfer Imperial concert, both 9 ft concert grands. Yamaha refers to their sampling process as Binaural Sampling, which is then enhanced by Stereophonic Optimizer technology for headphone use. These samples sound quite distinct from one another with the CFX sample bring quite colorful, bright and very dynamic, whereas the Bosendorfer Imperial piano sample is a darker natural sound with a more compressed dynamic experience. There's of course some other acoustic piano samples as well making up a pretty good variety of tones to choose from.  Overall, the acoustic piano sample here offers an all around authentic piano playing experience, especially with the CFX and Bosendorfer Imperial piano samples.

There's this function called Piano Room, which operates very similar to what like the Roland's Piano Designer, Kawai's Virtual Technician apps. The piano room app allows for intelligent acoustic control of some of the finer nuances of piano tone. For example, some of the parameters you can edit are lid position height, the brightness of the hammer, touch response curve, reverb depth, metronome, master tuning, damper resonance, string resonance, virtual resonance modeling(VRM), and aliquot resonance. As you can guess, that allows the user a lot of control to customize the piano tone, which is something that's essentially becoming a standard feature on most digial pianos at this price point. It's nice to see that Yamaha is also doing a really nice job with this here. I enjoy the graphic nature of the user interface here, as some instruments leave it up to shortcut command and you can't really visualize what's happening, so having the display makes the whole process more intuitive.

The onboard speakers are rated at 40 watts in total. There's 15 watts per side for the main and then it also lists two 5-watt tweeters. The main speaker is basically a two-way speaker system with a main speaker inside the cone. Embedded on top is an additional tweeter and they rate those separately. 40 watts is enough to fill a small room, and certainly enough that you don't need an amplifier to enjoy private playing. It's probably not enough to gig with, but likely fine for lighter rehearsals.

Other sound categories here include the standard E piano stuff, including a nice Phaser EP. There's also a patch that sounds like a Wurlitzer, as well as a "Disney" patch, labeled DX. Once you get into the clav, the vibes and the strings patches there's a little bit of hit and miss in how well these sound come across, but the acoustic piano and E. piano tones are definitely very well executed. The Yamaha tone is quite specific - a totally different experience than playing, for example, a Kawai which tends to be a little thicker in terms of the tone and maybe a little warmer. Roland's generally have wide selection of sounds and once you get to the FP-90, there's sound modeling which is a totally different experience. Some people really like that, and others don't. For people who are a fan of the Yamaha style of tone, I think they've done a really great job and the piano should work in a variety musical genres.

That's basically a wrap up of the discussion of the tone engine, and a quick review of the types of sounds that are included on-board, and a few other thoughts as well.

Piano Action:

Let's talk about the action on this P515. There are things about the action that I like, and then there are things about the action that I would say is important that you be aware of it. I'm not going to necessarily categorize these aspects as positive or negative, but rather a buyer beware. We'll go through these observations one by one.

The action Yamaha has put into the P515 is what they call the NWX(Natural Wood X) action. This action is a wooden key/plastic key hybrid and both visually as well as in a tactile sense gives you a smooth release and greater feel of an acoustic grand piano. Many digital pianos in this price range offer a featured referred to as escapement or let-off. Escapement is the sensation on a key that is caused by the jack slipping off the knuckle on a grand piano. Basically, you've set the hammer in motion, it swings up, hits the string, without being physically connected to anything so it can bounce back freely, and reset the action. On a real piano this sensation is readily apparent, and within the last 5 to 10 years, digital piano manufacturers have started including that sensation in the portable design of their keyboards to make it feel a little bit more like an acoustic grand piano. I was always puzzled by this because I always thought that this sensation was an unintended sensation on an acoustic piano, to begin with. In any case, it does make you feel more familiar when you're in front of digital technology if you've got some experience playing an acoustic piano.

While Yamaha advertises that the P515 has escapement, I actually double-check that with the specs because after I first played one, I didn't really feel the escapement sensation at all. For people who are looking for a keyboard where that escapement is a little more prominent in terms of the sensation it gives you, this action may fall short of the mark. For people who don't like the feel anyway, just ignore the specs and carry on.

The key surface on the white keys is basically a polished white plastic. This is a very different approach than what most high-end digital pianos have taken within the last few years, which is to go with with a pretty porous white surface to give a greater sense of texture. In the case of Roland or Casio, they've actually gone with a full ivory keytops texture, so Yamaha's choice here is a little bit unusual. The drawback with a polished key surface is that they tend to be quite grippy anytime you're in a more humid environment which can make it a bit more difficult to play intricate music that requires precision of finger position. Otherwise, it's just a personal choice that's neither good nor bad,  just something to be aware of.

The black keys on the other hand have a very grooved, deep texture. The feeling is similar to that of a new Mason & Hamlin acoustic piano from the last 10 years or so, for anyone whose had a chance to play one. It sort of feels like an unfinished ebony wood type of texture. Again, this quite a bit different than what you get on most digital pianos, and it's something that some folks will love, and others will not. The NWX uses a triple sensor which means you're going to have very accurate MIDI output, which is great.

Coming to the last subject and probably the one that needs to be addressed most directly is the weight of the keys. Before I'd played the P515, I'd been on a number of forums to read about other people's impressions, and the weight of the keys is a topic of discussion quite often, as several people had made the comment that the keys were heavy. I come from an acoustic piano world originally, and an acoustic piano should have a key weight (meaning the amount of weight that it takes to put the key in motion) anywhere from about mid-40s at the very lowest up to about 60 grams at the very heaviest. Most concert technicians usually try and weigh the key depending on whether it's at the bottom of the piano or the top of the piano, anywhere from the low to high 50 grams. These keys on the P515 are considerably heavier than that. In that respect, it's consistent with some of the larger Yamaha stage pianos of the past like the CP300. I played one of those for years in a pit band and it had really heavy keys as well. This is something that Yamaha's user community may be used to and appreciate, but for somebody who's not used to it, playing on this instrument for an extended period of time is somewhat fatiguing. I'm someone who's used to playing multiple gigs per week and having those gigs be three to four hours long, so  my playing muscles are well conditioned and I find this action tiring.

I hope this isn't coming across as necessarily a negative, as some may love it and It may be exactly what you're looking for. For people who are looking for a strong sense sense of depth to the key, perhaps this action exactly what you're looking for. But it's something to be aware of that the keys are in the 70-gram range, heavier than a grand piano action.

Features/Accessories/Connectivity:

The Yamaha P515 is comes standard with a few extra accessories, and offers some optional add-on's as well. With wooden accents and polished details, the P-515 looks as good as it sounds. This is consistent with what you generally find in the market from your major manufacturers. Good comparisons to the P515 would be the Roland FP-60 or FP-90, as well the Kawai ES8. The first thing that's included with the P515 is a very solid sustain pedal unit (FC4A). I really like the inclusion of a robust sustain pedal, and it's really frusterating when digital pianos come with those little plastic square pedals that just skid all over the place. This pedal is much more stable and it offers the ability to perform half-pedaling.

The P515 also comes with an integrated music rest, as well as a standard PA-300C power supply. In terms of optional add-on's, you've got available a matching keyboard stand for the keyboard itself, which compliments the furniture and makes the instrument look a little bit more like a stationary piano. There's a triple pedal system that you can be added on as well, and the inclusion of both the stand and triple pedal essentially turns the P515 into a home digital piano.

In terms of connectivity on the back of the instrument, the P515 features an independent 1/4-inch aux outs and aux in, a mini-jack audio input and a Bluetooth radio for quick connection to an iPad or other device. I have to give kudos to Yamaha in terms of how easy it is to turn on and off the Bluetooth audio function. On many digital pianos this feature can be somewhat hidden and require a look at the manual to switch on, so the ease of use of the feature here is most welcome.

Last but not least, there's USB connection that heads out to the computer that also acts as a USB audio connector. This mean the Yamaha P515 is going to work really well if you've got some external software instruments that you're using, such as Ableton, with the P515 functioning as a MIDI controller. There's no need for any of this external mixing as it all goes in and out through the USB connector, so this is super handy. On the front of the P515, we've got a USB device port. This is for things like audio recording, so you can plug that in and you can record WAV straight to here - another super useful feature.

When it comes to features, the P515 has all the standard kinds of digital piano features that you would expect. There's transpose, split, dual mode, sound boost, and EQ. Navigating all of the features is very easy via the user interface. One last function I'm going to highlight here is the rhythm function with onboard accompaniment. There's a lot of control here, and this function would work great for fun at home or light professional applications.

Yamaha has also made available the Smart Pianist app for iOS, which creates a remote control touch screen interface, super cool. The Smart Pianist app also has the ability to access the songs in your iOS device's music library and create chord charts to make for easy play along with your favorite songs.

Conclusions:

This pretty much wraps up our review of the Yamaha 515 - an instrument that is definitely focused on delivering a high quality, authentic piano experience. I'm very impressed with the acoustic piano sounds, the E piano sounds and how easy it is to use the piano editing module. Be aware that this is a heavier action featured here, and somebody who isn't accustomed to that or isn't expecting that this might feel a bit of buyer's remorse if they purchase the instrument before trying it. Otherwise, this is a capable instrument and certainly anyone who is in the market for a high-end all-in-one portable digital piano, should have this instrument on your wish list to check out, along with the Roland FP60, FP90 and Kawai ES8. Thanks for reading!

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[lightspren]

Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for.  so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital  Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.

[cutiecrates]

Cutie Reviews: Gacha Gacha Crate Dec 19

It feels like it’s been way over a month since I was last blogging. I’m sorry for anyone who comes by wondering what happened, with all the Holiday stuff going on and my mom’s health declining, I’ve been having to do a lot more than usual. I had every intention of resuming my reviews sooner- but then by the time I could finally do it, I was usually too tired DX

BUT, I’m hoping with this one I can finally get back into the groove of things, or at least post a little more normally <_<

Faceball

By Yell, our first item is this adorable ball made to look like a face sticking its tongue out, or blowing a raspberry :P They are bouncy and come in 6 various facial expressions and colors (I think mine is very cute, but I also like the purple and pink ones), and they light up (they flash between red and blue). The tongue is a rubbery piece.

I think this is a cute and fun little toy x3 when I was younger I loved collecting bouncy balls (among everything else), so this hit a soft spot for me. I also just really like how fun it looks, and it bounces really nice too, my cats really like it.

Mini Canon Camera

Our next item is perfect for fans of photography, or if you have a cute little display or some big dolls. These gacha camera are based on the actual Canon brand cameras, the Canon EOS Kiss M.

What’s fun about this is that not only does the rolly piece (I’m sorry I’m not a photography expert) off and roll around, but it also makes a sound when you press the button on top. It feels like you’re using an actual camera.

I’ve always liked photography (I love taking pictures of things like nature, animals, decorations or cute looking items) and taking pictures, and anything replicated to resemble a real thing in this kind of form is really cute and fun! It has a lot of detail in its design, if it wasn’t so small I’d think it was a real camera until I tried using it.

Pokemon Capchara

These DIY chibi figures are super-popular as of late, I think in almost every box lately we keep getting one. I don’t mind them because they’re pretty cute, and this series is no exception :3 Besides my slowpoke, there was also a cute sleeping Pikachu, and sitting Squirtle and Psyduck.

These figures are super-easy to assemble, and they come in many cute series for any interest, like Disney, Pokemon, Sanrio, etc. The painted details are simple, but really nice and accurate. I never really noticed any major problems with these.

Squishy Hamster

This gacha is also by Yell, featuring a kawaii hamster available in 6 forms (2 poses, 3 possible colors). Don’t let the name fool you though, they’re not actual squishy toys- these are made from a thin rubber, sort of like some dog toys or squeaky balls. It’s very cute and fun to squeeze, but it’s not really satisfying for me or anything.

It would make for some cute displays though, and the painted details are pretty good. I noticed a couple tiny little touch-up spots but nothing too bad.

Animal Flower Pot

This box feels very decor heavy to me, like a lot of items would be great for decoration or displays (almost all of these are also by the brand Yell). This one is no exception, a cute and simple series of animals holding fake plants, ranging from flowers to simple greenery. They all look really cute, but I wish I would have gotten one of the flower ones, I really like flowers (I can’t have them in the house though because cats).

Anyway, the plant can be removed so you could probably put in various other items too, like a pen or pencil if you wanted. The plant pieces feel really nice an are perfectly cut and formed- but the animal base paint job is pretty messy upon close inspection. Like from here I can’t see anything wrong with it, but when you look really close it’s very obvious.

Detective Cat

Our last item is this really cute detective accessory for cats or small dogs :3 There are 6 items in total from this gacha, in pairs of 3 (a hat or shawl), coming in this check pattern, a simplified blue check, or plain brown.

Of course you know, I had to get a picture of one of my cats wearing this, so here it is:

It’s Detect Peaches!!

Doesn’t the hat look adorable on her~?

- - - - - - - -

Lately I think the Gacha Gacha Crate has been improving :3 I really liked our previous box, and this one was a lot of fun too. I’d recommend any of the items in here, and the quality is pretty nice (with the little exception of the messy mouse paint job I mentioned above).

Sorry I’m cutting my review part a bit short here, I’m in a hurry and I have to run to the store before the snow sets and makes the ground slippery :P

[saucywenchwritingblog]

What kind of bipolar do you have? What is like being medicated? Manic? Sorry if this is intrusive but I don't know anyone to ask. You spoke about it before so I hope it's OK.

Sorry it’s taken me so long to answer, Mous.  I am open about being mentally ill, but I don’t usually go into a lot of depth about it. 

NAMI and DBSA have some general info on bipolar disorder.  They explain the differences and criteria for the types without a ton of technical jargon. 

Uncomfortable personal details and real talk about mental illness behind the cut. It also got kinda long.

I’m bipolar type one with psychosis with rapid cycling.  I also have a lot of secondary diagnoses, but let’s stick to the BP for now.  A lot of people tend to freak out over the psychosis thing, but it isn’t like you see in the movies.  In my case, it means I tend to have a hard time figuring out reality if I am having a particularly bad episode.  BP one means that I have full blown manic episodes, compared to BP two which has hypomanic episodes.  The main difference between one and two is the severity of mania.  I can still have hypomania, but I also get the full ride.  Rapid cycling means that sometimes these episodes - manic or depressive - come and go fairly fast. It can get exhausting.

Mania is sort of a pet peeve for me.  People see a hypomanic episode in some TV show where the BP person is full of energy and having a great time, and then they tell me they wish they could be manic too.  No, trust me, you really don’t.  I mean sure, hypomania can be fun if it works out to be a mild euphoric hypomania.  It doesn’t always work out like that, though. 

There are different types of manias.  There’s euphoric, and the opposite end of the spectrum is dysphoric.  Ask five different BP people about them, and you will get five different descriptions, but right now you’re stuck with just me.  With either type, you have a lot of energy and get very little sleep, your eating habits will change so odds are that isn’t helping, and you have a lot of reckless behavior.  You also get a lot of intrusive thoughts.  The best way I can describe that is imagine standing in the middle of twenty people.  All of these people are yelling at you, wanting your attention, wanting you to do what they say and listen to them and they want it all right fucking now. Except all of these voices are inside your head, and there is no way to turn them off or make them stop.  That’s mania.

Euphoric mania is on the happier end of the spectrum, but that doesn’t mean it is fun.  This is where that reckless behavior really comes into play, because everything is interesting and fun and you do not ever think of the consequences.  Hypersexuality is a common symptom, and I don’t want to admit to some of the one night stands I’ve had.  Or I’ll pick up a guy while manic and date him until the mania goes away.  When he figures out that I am not the party girl he met, he breaks up with me - that’s what happened to my last long term relationship.  Euphoria also means that I get all sorts of great ideas like painting my house, or putting in a garden, or some other big project, except I can’t stop and concentrate long enough to actually finish it.  I have all this energy, but can’t ever get anything done because I am exhausted, can’t focus, and literally cannot stop moving.  So when people laugh and tell me how they wish they could be manic so they could clean their house, I just roll my eyes.  Trust me, your house won’t get clean, and you will probably ruin any relationships you have and lose your job while you are at it. 

Dysphoric mania has the same problems, except instead of everything being fun, it just pisses you off or makes you cry.  A doctor told me that a dysphoric mania is the most dangerous to a bipolar person because you can get suicidal and depressed, and you have the intrusive thoughts yelling that you don’t deserve to live, but because you are manic you have the energy and recklessness to act on those thoughts.  It’s not uncommon for a BP person to attempt suicide during a dysphoric mania.  It’s also common for them to do things that, while not an overt suicide attempt, may still result in death.  When I am having a dysphoric mania, I flip between being angry at everything and depressed and angry at myself.  This is where that psychosis can come in, and I get really paranoid sometimes, too.  Is that person in the store staring at me?  They are on their phone, are they calling the police?  Do they think I should be locked away?  Is that person driving behind me following me to my home?  When you add in a couple of my other dx like panic disorder and PTSD, life can turn into a real shitshow. 

No matter what type of mania you get, it is draining both emotionally and physically. 

Bipolar people have a complicated relationship with medications, and I am no different.  It’s usually a cycle. 

Realize that life has become intolerable and you cannot function as a human being anymore.

Find a doctor who prescribes you medications.  This is usually complicated by having to try several different meds and combos before something starts to work.

The meds are working, and you feel like a real person again.  Huzzah!

Get tired of having to take handfuls of pills every day, and having to see that doctor, and having to get your blood drawn every couple of months because the meds have side effects like liver failure and diabetes. 

You’ve been doing just fine for a while.  Maybe you are cured?

Stop taking your meds, usually without a doctor’s supervision.

Coast for a little bit, but then you start feeling bad.  This is where a lot of people start to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. 

Have an episode.

Go back to the beginning.  Rinse and repeat. 

There’s also a little secret that a lot of BP people won’t admit to someone who does not have it.  We get used to the crazy ups and downs, and the intensity and drama.  Being medicated, being stable and ‘normal’ and just like everyone else?  It’s safe, predictable, and boring.  I know there were times when I felt like I was going to scream if I had to keep doing the same old routine for one more day.  There were other factors that fed into that, but I blamed it on the medication and quit taking them.  Bipolar might be miserable and dangerous, but it is anything but boring. 

I’ve heard people describe being medicated as feeling like they are wrapped in cotton, or feeling like a zombie.  I don’t know if I agree with that totally, but I can understand it.  When you are medicated, you don’t feel emotions as sharply as you do during an episode.  Things aren’t as important or urgent.  It can make it feel like your emotions are muffled.  Don’t get me wrong, because that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Crying in the grocery store because they are out of your favorite yogurt isn’t exactly healthy behavior.  But having everything be dulled down can be awful if you are not used to it being like that.  You know there are bold, vibrant colors out there, but all you can see are pastels. 

I hope this was of some help, Mous.  Feel free to hit me up if you have any more questions.

[augrev]

Tagged by @angeloffyre thank you ^^

Nicknames: augrev (my friends call me that irl and it’s annoying ;-;)

Height: about 165 cm? I can’t remember

Time right now: 1 am, I should fucking sleep ;-;

Last thing I googled: Warframe Market :v

Fave music artist: Pfff... You’re asking me for too much... Papa Roach, Rise Against, Starset... also Imagine Dragons, Green Day, Downplay, Cage the Elephant, Nickelback, Linkin Park, some electro, trap, synth, game/film soundtracks. In summary, I listen to everything besides shitty pop and disco polo ;-;

Song stuck in my head: T H I S

Last movie I watched: Passengers (uh)

Last TV show I watched: The Expanse 

What I’m wearing now: Pajamas :v

When I created this blog: Pfff... One and a half year ago?

The kind of stuff I post: Bullshit, cyberpunk, games and memes

Do I have other blogs?: No (but I’m wondering about creating my OC’s rp blog)

Do I get asks regularly?: Nope

Why did I choose my URL?: It accurately describing me in DX Universe. Augmented rebel fighting for augs rights (augrev --> Augmented Revolutionist)

Gender: Female

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Pokemon team: Valor (but I’m not playing since some time) 

Fave colors: Black, red, grey, yellow, orange

Average hours of sleep: 4-8 (depends)

Lucky number: 11 and 512 (don’t ask me why, I like these)

Favorite characters: Adam Jensen, JC and Paul Denton (and huge amount of other DX characters), Jack Joyce, Aiden Pearce, Commander Shepard, Motoko Kusanagi, Joe Miller, Rick Deckard

Dream job: Graphic designer

Number of blankets I sleep with: 1 

Following: 277

I’m tagging no one, because I’m tired asf, sorry (still you can do it if you want)

[youre-on-a-starship]

I got tagged by the lovely @starshiphufflebadger!

A - age: 23

B - biggest fears: falling and by extension heights.

C - current time: 7:31 p.m. MST

D - drink you last had: Smoked Butterscotch Frappucino. Actually pretty good!

E - every day starts with: Me going through the short list of things I have to do before leaving the house: brush my teeth, get dressed, make a tea and breakfast to go, turn off the lights/lock the door, and DON’T FORGET TO UNPLUG YOUR CAR, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE THE HOUSE TO SCHOOL WITH YOU

F - favorite song: Right now I think it’s Take it Easy by the Eagles

G - ghosts, are they real?  I’m willing to believe it. I think my grandmother hangs around with me occasionally.

H - hometown: Calgary, Alberta, Canada

I - in love with: Gusto (so many new cooking shows to love <3)

J - jealous of: The rich lawyers I’m going to be working for one day. I want to afford nice clothes, too DX

K - killed someone: Outside CoD, no.

L - last time you cried: I was crying while vomiting last week when I had food poisoning...

M - middle name: Fuck are you kidding me? *sigh* that’s actually my darkest secret. It starts with an F and rhymes with “axis.”

N - number of siblings: 1. He’s pretty alright.

O - one wish:  Never to have to choose between gas, electricity, and food.

P - person you last called/texted: Both answers are my mom.

Q - questions you’re always asked: “When are you home tonight?” (hint, Mom, it’s right after class because I don’t have anything better to do than sit here in my PJs while I do my homework.)

R - reasons to smile: Star Trek, music, dancing, nailing a new piece on the piano, food, my family.

S - song last sang: Desperado by the Eagles

T - time you woke up: 5:45 a.m.! 4/7 days of the week DX

U - underwear color: Black as my soul :P

V - vacation destination: Usually I’d go for something like Germany or Iceland, but honest to God all I want is to go to, like, Cancun or something. Warm. All-inclusive. Just be a generally shitty entitled white tourist. I’m cold and tired and I just want to be comfortable and drunk for a week or two. #sorry

In all actuality though, I’m going to Banff for a day in a week or two for Reading Week <3

W - worst habit: Eating literally all the time. Never working out. Avoiding doing actual work.

X - x-rays had: I actually just burst out laughing. Do we really wanna do this? Okay.

I’ve had 17 confirmed fractures in my life (in case you’re new to the party, I’ve got Osteogenesis Imperfecta). That’s not counting the false alarms or the near misses. My family just mathed it out and we think somewhere between 50 and 75. And that’s just sessions, usually a session has 2-4 angles that we’ve got to take. It’s a fun time.

I remember when they introduced the one that they could move around your limb. I used to have to turn over on the table with a broken leg because the x-ray machine could only slide back and forth along the ceiling. These new, movable models are a gift.

Y - favorite food: Oh my... you know, of all the wonderful things I could say, there’s really nothing that beats a real Alberta steak, loaded baked potato and a nice salad on the side. Beer. Sweet potato pie afterwards. Mmm.

Z - zodiac sign: Aries, can’t you tell?

Alrighty, I hope you enjoyed that/learned something about me somehow. I’m tagging: @kilismaiden / @spacethewritingfrontier, @rae723, @fandomheadrush, @stargirlhorse, @tiberivs-kirk, @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse, @outside-the-government (although I think you tagged @starshiphufflebadger, didn’t you?), uh... @yourtropegirl, @imaginestartrek, and whoever else wants to do it :)