#too loud and socially strange from isolation and referring to herself as we is like

[sirenemale]

Started watching mlp and it's a great time ,enjoying it massively. Um actually latching onto Luna like a fucking leech rn she's jsut like me

[sinceileftyoublog]

Cassandra Jenkins Interview: What I’m Dealing With

BY JORDAN MAINZER

I’ll always remember where I was when I found out David Berman died: on the highway, driving back from a beautiful hike in Southern Illinois, unable to pull over and look up exactly what happened, instead occupied by my own thoughts. Singer-songwriter Cassandra Jenkins processed his death in a similar mind’s isolation, though she was closer to Berman than many. Set to play in his Purple Mountains band and finding herself mourning and grieving mere days later, she had to make a change. Her old songs didn’t feel appropriate; she had to write about her loss. She got on a plane to Norway and starting writing what would become An Overview on Phenomenal Nature, her remarkable new record out next Friday on Ba Da Bing! Records.

An Overview on Phenomenal Nature is not so much a record about Berman’s death as it is one about processing things that are out of your control. Yes, he’s mentioned by name, and Jenkins’ self-described “diaristic” details refer to her story, like on “Ambiguous Norway”, where her Purple Mountains tour outfit comes in the mail and she looks at it wondering what could have been. But the album’s a document of a period in Jenkins’ life rife with general change and her responses to it. Knowing she’d need some songs she could feel good getting up and singing for an opening tour for The Hold Steady’s Craig Finn, after writing in Norway, Jenkins returned to New York to flesh out the new tunes with multi-instrumentalist, producer, and engineer Josh Kaufman. The songs are rich, but simple, leaving space for Jenkins’ matter-of-fact singing and storytelling with efficient instrumentation. On “New Bikini”, she considers how much immersing oneself in nature as a healing force really helps, thinking out loud about Berman over acoustic strumming and Stuart Bogie’s layered saxophone. “Michelangelo” is an alt-country ripper about the eternal limbo of dealing with trauma, Jenkins comparing it to a virus (“Treatable, not curable”). The epic “Hard Drive” starts with a voice memo of a tour at The Met Breuer as Jenkins reflects on different people in her life that have affected her, big and small, spoken word over Bogie’s sax; “The mind is just a hard drive,” she posits, storing information, unknowing of when a small moment might just turn profound. It’s these small moments--interactions with strangers, birdwatching in Central Park--that pepper An Overview on Phenomenal Nature and simultaneously prove to be further artistic fodder for Jenkins, a sort of symbiotic relationship of inspiration.

When I call Jenkins from her home in upstate New York, it’s clear she’s still embracing these small moments, especially as ways to cope with the push-pull of change. She had just come back from a walk in the woods and was considering going again after we were finished. “Walking has been the thing that gets me through everything right now, especially if you can find a little patch of nature wherever you are,” she said. Gearing up to release an album after being in essential isolation for a year due to COVID-19, Jenkins released “Hard Drive” on January 20th and was surprised by its rapturous response, as it landed on best-of-the-month lists and garnering a coveted Pitchfork Best New Track designation. Now, she’s receiving a slew of interview and live stream performance requests, balancing between being outwardly social and retreating to her isolation. She gets through it with her walks, and talking to friends, including those who work at Ba Da Bing!, fully aware that the significance of any given instant may or may not immediately present itself.

Read my conversation with Jenkins below, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: Is it weird to put out a new record at this moment in time?

Cassandra Jenkins: It is very weird, [but] I’m very fortunate. There’s no part of me that’s bummed out that my record is coming out during COVID. It’s really the opposite--this is the most I’ve been in touch with people this entire time. It’s so nice to be feeling connected to people through my music. I feel like this record is different than my other records. I don’t feel precious about it. It has launching pads for conversations. We’ve put out two songs so far, and it’s reached more people than I thought it would ever reach--it’s been really wonderful but also overwhelming, to go from spending all of my time very alone, in complete solitude, to hearing from a lot of people in my life I admire and who I feel shy around because I look up to them so much. I’m having this very strange cognitive dissonance of being totally alone and getting really comfortable with that, to talking to a lot of people. It’s sort of like being in two completely different gears at once.

SILY: Was it the Pitchfork review of “Hard Drive” that caused a lot of that?

CJ: Yeah. I blame Pitchfork. [laughs]. Those rascals! They’re blowing up my solitude. But yeah, Pitchfork was very unexpected, especially right now. I was set to put this [album] out in the spring [of 2020] on Bandcamp. But I’m thankful that this record is coming out at this moment in time. A lot of the record is about processing a difficult moment in my life. I think a lot of people are in that moment in their lives for a lot of different reasons. Oddly, though it’s very personal, it seems to be resonating with people. Had I talked to you a week ago, I think it would have been a different conversation. But the music stays the same. I’m feeling really excited by it but overwhelmed by any amount of attention, to be honest. Hearing from a few friends would be overwhelming at this point because I’m so alone. [laughs] I can’t underline that enough. We all are. It’s bizarre.

SILY: David Berman’s death was the catalyst for this record, but is it the focal point of the loss that comprises the record? Or did it inspire you to reflect on past losses and trauma?

CJ: That’s a good question. While it’s the catalyst, I wouldn’t say it’s the center of the record. It’s what launched me into this moment in my life, where I thought things were gonna be one way, and then they were not. And then they changed again. And then they changed again. A lot of rapid change in my life, and writing the record was partly out of necessity. I was planning on going on tour with the Purple Mountains band, coming home, and then going on another tour opening for Craig Finn. I was gonna play my songs I had in the bag. Once my tour got cancelled, I couldn’t play my old songs anymore. I’m really obsessed with Tig Notaro, and I heard her talk about what it was like getting a breast cancer diagnosis, and getting up on stage telling [old jokes], she just couldn’t do it. She had no choice but to write about what she’s going through. I’ve listened to her so much through this pandemic because I find her spirit and general approach really inspiring. In a similar way, I had that moment in my life, too, where I was like, “I can’t get up here and play these songs anymore.” So I wrote it all really quickly, partly so I could go on tour and sing songs I could actually sing. I tried--I booked a show at one point a month after [Berman’s death], in September, and I tried to play my songs and ended up completely abandoning them and doing this weird, pseudo stand-up set. [laughs] It was definitely not good, and after that show, I was like, “I definitely cannot get up and do this every night on tour.” I really respect Craig, and I’m not gonna open his shows this way. I had to write new songs. I have this thing, which is a tour, and what I’m doing on this tour is singing songs, and I need that, so I’m gonna make new songs.

SILY: Did you do stripped down, acoustic versions of these tracks from this record, opening for Craig?

CJ: Yes. And Craig has a great saxophonist in his band, Nelson Devereaux. Usually, it’s Stuart who plays on the record, but this was this [Nelson], and he ended up joining me for my set near the end of the tour. I usually end up playing things a little differently every night. I’ve never been too streamlined about what I do. I like staying on my toes. Usually, by the end of the tour, I’ve collected a musician or two playing with me. I was glad to have a saxophonist, because these songs have a lot of saxophone.

SILY: There are a lot of biographical moments and specific references to David on here and what happened. In the songwriting, how did you balance those more concrete moments with broader metaphors about what you were going through?

CJ: Except for “Michelangelo”, which was the only song I had worked on before, so it’s kind of an outlier, I was pulling from my journal and from my song journal and voice memos. Things I had written on scrap paper and on the subway on the way to the studio. It was very much a sound art kind of process of pulling together pieces and fragments of a lot of different moments from a very short period of my life. I was really just processing what I had been through, and what I had been through was this brush with playing with a band that was a dream come true and meeting this person I felt immediately attached to. It was strange to only know him for 4 days and have so much of my life really change. Total strangers can have that effect on me. I think that’s what I was taking away from a lot of my observations at the time: You can have very brief encounters with people that will dramatically change how you see the world. It’s a chemistry that can happen if you’re in the right mindset. They [can] say something to you that can be transformative. I’m not always looking for that. I walk into it. It’s really profound, and they’re not really trying to do that. David is one of those people, and he’s so much more than that. It’s very strange to be writing about someone who was such a brilliant writer and feeling, “I don’t feel like I have any business writing about this person, except in the way they affected me.” That’s my experience, and that’s my experience alone. I can write about that experience, but it still felt strange at the end of the day with anything outside of my direct experience of this person, because it feels really silly to think about approaching him or his work any other way. 

SILY: The emotional centerpiece of the record to me is “Ambiguous Norway”. You reference your tour outfit coming in the mail, and you’re never able to use it.

CJ: It was super weird. We all wore our suits to some of the memorials that happened

SILY: There’s a line on there that sounds like something David would have written: “The poetry, it’s not lost on me / I’m left asking how it found me.” I was interviewing someone else yesterday who had an album coming out about various types of loss, and on it, she questions how much meaning there is in loss. At what point do you stop trying to find meaning in it and accept the chaos or randomness of it? Is that something you were thinking about here?

CJ: Yeah! I feel totally inadequate so much of the time with language. It feels impossible to translate the bizarre and exquisite experiences and naturally occurring events in my life that might be brief and fleeting. How do you encapsulate that in language? It feels impossible. It’s just everywhere around me, and it will go just as quickly as it came. Sometimes, grief and loss, which may not have inherent meaning, can activate a certain way of seeing in us that allows us to see meaning everywhere, and it’s this manic, supercharged way of looking for meaning in everything. I’ve had other tragic losses in my life in the past. I remember a high school friend’s mother came to me at a funeral once and came to me and said, “There’s nothing like someone dying to make you feel alive.” There’s that element of it that turns you on to things in a heightened way. I was in that heightened mourning space and also travelling. When I got home, I felt like I was seeing everything through the lens of a traveler, observing my surroundings with so much more open space. It reminds me of reading Michael Pollan’s book on How to Change Your Mind. [When you take psychedelics], your inhibitors are knocked down in this new way. Extreme experiences like grief and loss can have that effect as much as they can also be painful. I think I was just in that space of seeing meaning and seeing connections between things and feeling blown away and not knowing what to do with them. I was like, “I am just gonna let this wash over me.” Only I can really see this harmony, and it’s pointless to explain it to someone else. It feels like I’m the only one that can make sense of it in a particular way and feel tickled by it, for lack of a better word. To feel a sensation of two things coming together in front of you.

One thing I was thinking about was this conversation I had with someone when I was out in Norway. Here I am, sitting on a dock by myself, almost at the edge of the ocean. I was writing my journal about my experience with David--it hadn’t even been a week. This Danish fellow rolls up and starts talking to me about clouds and how in Denmark, the cloud formations there look like mountains, partly because they don’t have a mountainous landscape, so they get to have the mountain feeling from the clouds. He said it in a much more poetic way, but I was thinking, “This guy doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know what I’ve gone through. Here he is talking about mountains turning into clouds, and David’s middle name is Cloud. Like, what?” Then Katie Von Schleicher texted me this cartoon that David had done. It was the drawing of a house that said “Ambiguous Norway” at the bottom. In the middle of having this uncanny conversation with a stranger, and she sends me this cartoon, it’s all this swirling stuff. I was really overwhelmed, but it was really funny, also. I felt like I didn’t know what to do with any of it, and I was writing it all down, but feeling like I was always falling short. It was isolating, but I didn’t feel alone--I was dissolving into whatever atmosphere and landscape I was in.

SILY: Your mention of the stranger reminds me of the line in “Crosshairs”: “All I want is to fall apart in the arms of someone entirely strange to me.” Of course, post-COVID, people might look at that line and think you might miss being around people.

CJ: I thought about that. It could totally read that way now!

SILY: You also have the line about a virus on “Michelangelo”.

CJ: That freaked me out, too. It does feel strangely prescient. I felt squeamish putting out a song like that. Right before COVID hit, the last performance I saw was Renee Fleming singing Bjork’s "Virus” with an orchestra. It was so beautiful and so surreal. It’s not the first time that someone’s dropped a metaphor about a virus in the song, but it’s still weird it’s on there.

SILY: Is it possible to understand this record without knowing the context?

CJ: I hope so. It’s strangely diaristic. I’ve always thought that we should be able to appreciate any art, whether a watercolor or a piece of music, without knowing the context. There are works of art that of course are incredible when you appreciate everything around them, like the footnotes of T.S. Eliot. Reading it for the first time, and how much context there is, this deep web, and how great it is to get into that person’s world and mind. But I appreciate art most when you can walk up to it and appreciate it as is, and learning more about it might deepen your appreciation if you’re curious. The fact that something deeply personal can be appreciated without context, if it’s coming from a real place. I’m embarrassed to think that it would have to be dependent on the context. I hope there’s both a reverence for the experience I went through as well as realizing there’s one of many experiences, and maybe the experience I had of running into someone at the farmer’s market can be at equal weight when thinking about our lives and the way we take things in.

SILY: We haven’t yet touched on the instrumentation of the record; it’s so layered and beautiful. How did you and Josh approach complementing your words with arrangements and instrumentation?

CJ: That was very intuitive. Josh is an incredible musician. We were just playing with stuff in the studio. We knew we wanted to get Stuart Bogie in there on the saxophone, and he also plays the flute. It’s actually kind of a stripped down record compared to my last one. I thought I was gonna go into the studio and walk out with an acoustic guitar and a vocal, and that would be the record. But we started playing with things, and Josh was playing with things while I was on my way to the studio in the morning, and suddenly there’s fretless bass on it! We’re both like, “Man, I love that!” It was never going in with an expectation and working with someone who I really trust. Josh and I really worked on these songs together. It was always guided by a lyric and a lyrical structure already in place. It kind of reminded me of working with soft clay: taking something out, putting something in. Versus walking in with a slab of marble and chipping away at it, which my last record was a little bit more like.

SILY: “Michelangelo” was started before this record, but I really am intrigued by the contrast you pose in it about the three-legged dog in the song: “Looking for what I lost” versus “Working with what I got.” Do you think that dichotomy is exemplary of the entire record?

CJ: That’s funny. I didn’t think of those things as being on polar sides of the spectrum. It’s a metaphor that’s kind of funny to me, because it falls apart when you see a three-legged dog. They’re not looking for what they lost. They’ve adjusted their gait. They’re such a beautiful model for what it is to lose something, work around it, and build balance. They do that naturally in their physiology and psychology, and they’re playing frisbee just like every other dog as if nothing happened. Of course, some of them do have mobility issues--I’ve met a few more [of those] recently. But it’s the human experience to add so much aversion to any feeling of loss. You have that analogy of getting shot with an arrow, and it’s often in our nature to shoot another arrow into the same wound by saying, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I was shot by an arrow,” instead of mending to it.

I have some medical issues, and I often am really frustrated by feeling like I’m handicapped. All of us have to face at some point or another the limitations of our bodies. To feel, “This is what I’m dealing with.” I can either be frustrated that I’m not a perfect specimen, or I can work with it. I can be myself and just enjoy that self as long as I get to live on this earth, amidst all this chaos and imperfection and wonder. That’s what “Michelangelo” is about for me, and feeling similarly about trauma. “Gosh, if I hadn’t had this traumatic experience as a child, maybe I’d be President of the United States by now, but instead I have all these bad habits because I have this deep, limiting self-belief.” But coming back, I’m like, “My trauma is actually a portal for me to connect with people and myself and get closer to a more universal experience. That’s a great gift, and I have to work with that.” That whole song is me being, “God damnit, why am I imperfect in this way?” but it’s actually the thing that will teach me more than anything.

SILY: On “New Bikini”, you sing a lot about the water. Do you find the water to be a particularly healing thing to be in or by?

CJ: Yeah. I was born right next to the ocean. [But] that song is not totally sincere. It’s a little bit of me collecting advice from people that at times brought me solace and at times was frustrating. It’s like, “Hey, get in the ocean, it will make you feel better!” “Yeah, but it’s not gonna bring someone back from the dead, and it’s not gonna fix my DNA, and it’s not gonna heal this person.” At the same time, it’s going to help me. I’m taking mineral salt baths every night and finding them to be really healing for my nervous system and thinking about that song. [laughs] I also ironically got very sick on contaminated water at the very beginning of 2020 and hated that song for a minute, as I was feeling really dejected about water. When I play that song on tour, I love that there were people in the audience who heard it, and came up to me after the show and said, “I never feel better than I do when I’m by the ocean. Thank you. I love being by the water, and that song took me there, even though we’re in Dallas.” This middle-aged woman was able to think about her really good time being at the beach. [And I’m thinking,] “I’m happy this is a space for you that you can access and that we can access together.”

SILY: When did you realize you wanted to release “Hard Drive” on Inauguration Day?

CJ: It was logical timing for when the release date was, and I saw it was on Inauguration Day and questioned whether it was a good idea. But it is a good idea because the song embraces change and struggle and a moment of time where we can pause and breathe because there’s change happening. It’s been a tough time for a lot of people. If we can talk about that, then great! It was really nice on Inauguration Day to have a song come out and not really pay attention to it. I actually felt, “All of America is having the same experience right now.” Really, the whole world is looking on. To get to experience again, very alone, a universal experience, watching the shift of power happen. I’m not really sure I love attention--I think I’ve always been way more comfortable not having attention--so I really loved, “Hey, here’s this song, gotta go, let’s watch the President now!” There was something about that moment. That people got to hear it days after the Inauguration because the type of people that gravitate towards my music were experiencing a collective relief. We could actually take a breath. So it may have reached people in a way it might not have otherwise. I didn’t realize how much it would be felt or how much I’d be feeling that day. I cried a lot that day. I think a lot of people did.

SILY: Is “Hailey” named after the actress you mention in the song, Hailey Gates?

CJ: [laughs] Yeah. I had a song called “Halley” on my last record, and I wanted to make a follow-up Halley. Halley 2.0. The other one was written by my friend Ian, and it’s a love song for the comet. So I figured I would write a love song for Hailey Gates. She’s a friend of mine and is someone I’ve often thought of when I’m going through a difficult moment, like, “You know what? That woman is so incredibly powerful in everything she does.” I look up to her so much, and I don’t think she really knows how much I look up to her. When I got really sick from drinking contaminated water, I would think that Hailey was a reporter for several years of her life, traveling, getting food poisoning, and still managing to get her message across with such grace and gusto. She has a real grit to her I admire. Grit is something that I look for in people. The fact that she has that and is also stunningly beautiful and very feminine is a cool model. I also like the challenge of writing a platonic love song and writing about another woman and letting it be about celebrating someone. In the end, it was nice to have this contrast: Mourning, but celebrating people who are alive and inspire us while we’re here. I feel kind of bad: if someone wrote that song about me, I’d be really embarrassed. I felt a little bit of shyness about it. But I hope it’s just a sweet way to celebrate women in general, and she’s sort of my mascot in that moment. Women who are really smart and powerful and have this gentleness about them as well. She’s got all these qualities that are really striking. She’s a really brilliant person. She deserves to have a million songs written about her. I’m probably one of many.

SILY: Has she heard yours?

CJ: [laughs] Yeah, she has. I think she got embarrassed. I finally sent it to her a few weeks ago, and was like, “Hey, I’m putting out a record and wrote a song about you, I hope that’s okay.” She said she was really honored to be on the record. I also reached out to Lola Kirke, and she joked, “Why didn’t I get a song about me? I just got a mention on ‘Hard Drive’.”

SILY: In the lyrics sheet for [instrumental] “The Ramble”, you have a link to a YouTube video of Chris Cooper birding in Central Park.

CJ: The Ramble is a place I went very much every day at the beginning of the pandemic. I was really saddened by the story of Chris Cooper but really impressed by the way that he handled it. I really thought of him as a role model for how we can handle intolerance. There are a lot of ways to handle intolerance and ignorance, and the way that he handled ignorance in that moment I thought was so beautiful. That interview with him is great because it’s really more about him and how he relates to birding and what a great person he is as opposed to the hatred we could walk away from the story with. He really shifted the emphasis away from behavior that was ignorant and racist towards a conversation of tolerance. He exemplified that. It’s rare you see that. I found him to be really inspiring. That’s one of so many things that happens in “The Ramble”. It was added later on. I recorded “The Ramble” when a lot of the protests were happening in New York. I went from being in The Ramble [alone] every day and birdwatching, which is something I do in a meditative way that really grounds me...to me going to some of the protests. I watched Central Park really transform into this place of progress, I guess, but it also has this life at night, known for nefarious things like drug deals, sex. It’s this wild place that I was starting to see as my sanctuary. When I saw the Chris Cooper story come out, it really saddened me, because the birding community was something I thought of as untouched. It’s so pure and beautiful. I’d seen Chris many times, and I was really sad someone treated him the way they did, and to see how in that moment that story became really important because there was a broader story happening in the public eye. He had this moment to be himself.

So “The Ramble” isn’t as much about him as about me wandering. Janet Cardiff is an artist I really love. She has a Central Park walk you can go on. It’s an audio guide that she made. It’s a poetic collage of songs and history. It really transforms the way you hear. I originally recorded my own binaural audio guide to The Ramble and ended up taking it out. I realized, “Ok, this is an album and there might be someone in Australia listening to it. How can they enjoy this walk? It’s probably better without me narrating how to walk in the space.” But it originally had this timed narrative with a start and end where you’d go on a walk with me. The ghost of that narration is there, and it’s ended up instead a spatial experience--hopefully.

SILY: The record ends with these two lighter tracks, a tribute to a friend and to a place. Was it important for you to order the album such that you talk about the loss in the beginning but it ends on this different note?

CJ: Definitely with “The Ramble”. I made every other song before COVID. I wanted “The Ramble” to exemplify how much life has changed for everyone since these songs were written. I wanted to bring it into the world we’re in now. And I want to bring it into a world with peace and hope in it. Those are two big words that are corny sounding, but I want there to be a moment for you to find peace and tranquility in a world of chaos. It is still there, and it’s okay for you to take that for yourself. Not only can we find that peace within ourselves, but we can find beauty in it and admire our surroundings. We can still appreciate everything we’re given, even in a total crisis. The Ramble was a place for me where I’d find that every day. I’d wake up at 5 in the morning every day and look at birds and feel myself vanishing in that landscape in this tiny corner of nature. I wanted to leave everyone on that note: Nature is gonna figure this out. It’s gonna take over and come in through the cracks in the sidewalk. If I can end the record with the dandelion coming through the cracks in the sidewalk, I’d like it to be there.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album art?

CJ: That’s by my friend [Ole Brodersen]. He thought it was an interesting photograph. He’s the one in “New Bikini” that I’m visiting and he left me a post-it note that said, “Get in the water, it cures everything.” He’s a good friend of mine. We visit each other every few years. I love his work; he’s an incredible photographer and has a large-format photography darkroom he created, on an island, off the coast of Norway. In this photograph, he uses long exposures and kites. He plays with light in natural landscapes around where he lives, with this kind of unknown element in a really static environment. It’s hard for me to speak for him, but he likes to have a lot of control over his photography, and this beautiful landscape is his origin, and there’s this element of an unknown variable in all of his photographs. I looked at that photo as a beautiful example of what I’m talking about in “Ambiguous Norway”. It’s almost like there’s this intangible spirit that’s this element of poetry in the air that you can’t quite identify what it is. It’s almost a literal interpretation of that, where you see this floating magical orb in the middle.

He was such a wonderful host. When he wanted to give his partner a gift--he wanted to give her a down pillow--he shot the ducks himself, created the down pillow, and I ended up eating a bone broth made out of the bones of those ducks at some point in his house. I was like, “This is really living in your environment and thinking about the way you interact with people and objects and your environment around you.” If I can touch a fraction of that, I’m doing great.

SILY: Are you planning on playing these songs live?

CJ: I am getting a lot of calls now to do stuff online. I would love to play with a band in real life. I think about it every day. I didn’t realize how much I was going to miss playing live. I can’t wait to put a band together. I have all these different fantasy leagues in my head of which band I’d want to bring with me on tour. If this record has any kind of positive reception, I’d love to be able to pay my band really well, finally, after years of not being able to and my friends coming on tour with me because we like being with each other. I realize I can’t do that forever, and we need to make a living. That would be so great. It’s a dream of mine.

SILY: Have you thought about how you’re adapting the songs to the stage? Or is that dependent on the configuration of the band?

CJ: I think the songs are pretty flexible. “New Bikini” is only 2 chords. The songs themselves are really simple. My last record has fancy stuff. This one is “A” and “B” and that’s the whole song! I love songs where it doesn’t matter who is there and what instruments are playing, as long as we listen to each other, the song will just flow. It’ll depend on whether I’m opening for someone, how much I can afford, what feels good in the moment. I think they’re gonna take their own shape.

SILY: Is there anything else next for you in the short or long term future?

CJ: I have to be honest. I’m having a lot of anxiety because I feel like when I’m able to do things again, I’m not really ready for that yet. But I’m going to be. I feel like there are certain dreams I have about getting to play music. I’m working towards being capable of seeing those dreams come true. I hope that my health is in a good place and my mental health is in a good place. It’s been a really hard year for all of us, and I want to make sure I can be easy on myself as I ease back into the world. As much as I want to go to a party, I actually will need a lot of gradual time to ease back into the world again and process the path. We’re all going through a lot right now.

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to or reading or watching lately?

CJ: I’m reading a book called The Peregrine. It’s one of Werner Herzog’s favorite books. It’s really cool. The author is English, and he’s studying birds to the extent that he almost becomes them. He talks about transmutation of landscapes and clouds and birds in a way that I was like, “Oh my god! He’s drinking the same tea I am.” But he takes it to an extreme degree where he’s questioning his sanity--and you might be questioning mine, too, at this point. [laughs]

I was just listening to Caroline Shaw. I’ve been listening to Tig Notaro’s podcast. I wait for it every week. It comes out every Wednesday, so today was my lucky day. [laughs]

[ayopro69-blog]

Trick or treat!

Treat! My first draft of Hell!

Hell

There are days when she’s happy, the highest she’sbeen in years. It’s those times that she wears the biggest smile on her face,pale cheeks flushed to a rose red. Her beautiful lilac eyes glisten in theshining sun, brightening anyone’s day; her silver, short hair gracefullycatches the wind, tamed and elegant. She has her pride and confidence on hersleeves, prepared for the expected and unexpected to be tossed into herdirection. It’s the best qualities of her that spring from her personal darkness,the way she’s supposed to feel around her best friends. This beautiful side ofher is the reason that when she’s unaware, he gazes into her genuinely, andfeels nothing but love for her. She’s the person everyone knows her as. She’salways fine. Nothing beats her down.

           It was just the way she was thatFriday. She was smiling wider than ever before, and she was feeling as powerfulas a super woman in a manga. The rising sun rose only to get a glimpse of thisbeautiful work of art standing quietly by the stop sign of a four-wayintersection, the very same one she’s been waiting at for the school bus eversince she can remember. Her skin looked silk smooth, softer than ever before,revealed clearly by her purple and violet stripped, off-shoulder, elbow-lengthsleeved shirt. On her hands she wore black leather, fingerless gloves with apatch to reveal the backside of her hand. Her knee-high, denim blue skirt gentlyfollowed the breeze which chilled her legs, only covered by black and whitestripped tights and a pair of black leather flats with a thin, small strap onher feet.

           The fall weather was nice, but notall the time. It was uncomfortable and felt like a season one just sort ofdealt with for the sake of not complaining. Yet, it did share it’s moments ofjoy, like the pleasing moment when the leaves change, and the crisp air pilesthem up on the cool ground beneath the tree trunks. It was this kind of weatherthat she enjoyed and dreaded, but it was better than summer’s scorching heat.

           “Hey! Rei!” a familiar voice calledout to the teenage girl.

           She turned and smiled brightly tothe owner of the voice, a teenage boy with messy, short brown hair and gleaminggem green eyes. He wore a blue tank top underneath a white collared,button-down, short sleeved shirt, a pair of tight fit grey jeans, and a pair ofblack and white sneakers. On his wrists, he wore black and white checkeredbands. She nodded lightly before greeting him with a warm, “Good morning,Mitchell… How are you?”

           “Good.” Mitchell answered as hewalked up beside her. His smile grew on his face as he admired her positivedemeanor. “You feeling okay today?”

           Rei nodded once more. “Yes,actually.”

           “Wow, that’s a first… in a longtime.” Mitchell gave her a thumbs up. “I’m proud of you.”

           She couldn’t help but look away.“Thanks…”

           “You’re welcome.” Mitchell clearedhis throat. “So, do you have any plans for the weekend?”

           “Um… no, actually.” She paused. “Whydo you ask?”

           “Um,” he began, burning red face ashe spoke, “I-I, uh… I-I was j-just w-w-wondering s-s-something…”

           “Go on.”

           “I-I-I, uh… I-I mean-… Y-y-you-….”

           She blinked.

           Stumbling over his words, hesuddenly wasn’t able to form even a single sound that formed a word or phrasethat logically made sense. His mouth just shut down like a power plant thatjust lost electricity. Unable to snap out of the trance, he stopped attemptinghis words, staring down at the ground in shame.

           Rei curiously reached out to touchhis shoulder, but stopped herself immediately. What was he going to ask thatmade him so flustered? Whatever it was, it had to be serious. Mitchell alwaysshut down when he had something important on his mind, unable to express histhoughts into words. She wished she could give him the strength to speak, butit was nearly impossible.

           “…I’m sorry.” Mitchell finally brokethe silence.

           “N-no, it’s not your fault,” she reassuredhim, “It’s okay.”

           “Maybe one day, I’ll stop being asocial freak.” He forced out a laugh.

           Before Rei could make a response,the school bus arrived. The bus driver opened the doors so the two could enterbefore speeding off. The bus driver was always running late, so he drove fastand didn’t care if the students sat down in time. Rei and Mitchell gripped ontothe seats tightly to catch their balance before finding the adrenaline to sitdown beside each other. They mostly sat in silence, watching as the familiarfaces got on. The nerdy boy that is obsessed with comic books. The jock thatadores his muscles more than women. The tiny punk who looked like he’d beatyour ass in a minute. The silent Japanese kid that had huge glasses that willfall off his face one day. The skinny bitches that think they are so beautifuland perfect, all whom which have to travel in groups of three.

           And then there was the strangelesbian and Satanist. She had cold brown eyes that would kill a man if helooked too close, the snarl of a panther, a black, laced fedora that sat on topof her violet-dyed bobbed hair with eyebrow-length bangs. She wore a blackshirt with shoulder-length sleeves, a purple and silver glitter design ofchaotic, abstract lines on the front, the back of the shirt laced to reveal herpale skin. On her arms, she wore long fishnet gloves, pointed to wrap aroundher middle finger. She had baggy black slacks and a pair of knee-high, black,leather boots, buckles and straps decorated around it. She was a girl thatwould bite your eye out with her single move of a growl her lips might dare toutter.

           When she entered the bus, being thelast stop the driver had to make before reaching the school, she darted on witha lustful rage, like a model on a runway. She always made quite the entrance,everyone making notice and giving her the undivided attention she deserved.Mitchell clung to Rei’s arm like a warrior with a shield as she passed throughthe crowded bus to sit in the very last seat in the back of the bus, as herusual routine would hold. Only today, she broke the norms.

           As the goth entered the bus, shestopped as she passed by Mitchell and Rei’s seat. A sinister smile grew to herlips as she chuckled lightly.

           “W-w-what’s so f-f-funny?” Mitchellhad to ask, afraid to hear her answer.

           Her soft voice cooed, “You look sopathetic sitting there with your girlfriend like that.”

           “G-g-girlfriend!?”

           “Yeah… and I feel so bad for you…”

           “D-do you?”

           “Yeah…. What’s your name, kid?”

           “Uh, M-mitchell. T-this is myfriend, R-rei,” he motioned his head towards the silver haired girl beside him.

           “A true pleasure to make youracquaintance, my darlings,” she laughed again before introducing herself. “Thename’s Hana. Hana Overly, but you may feel free to refer to me as Satan’sdaughter if you’d like.”

           “N-no thanks. H-hana is good enoughf-for me…” Mitchell murmured, just loud enough to be heard.

           “Would you like to sit down?” Reioffered, scooting closer to Mitchell to make room for the violet hair girl tosit.

           With a nod, Hana smiled. “Sure.Thanks.”

           Mitchell’s eyes widened as hewatched the spooky Satanist sit down beside his childhood friend. What on Earthwas Rei thinking?! Hana was a crazy girl that would probably cause them Hell ifshe desired it even for a minute. Why was it suddenly an obligation to talk tothis chick?

           “So… Hana,” Rei quietly asked, “Whatdo you enjoy as a hobby?”

           “Besides reading and practicingworshipping our lord and savior? I’d have to say listening to music or pushingaround punks.” Hana laughed at the thought of ruining some kid’s day, pushinghim into a garbage can and watching the humiliation plaster onto his face.

           “The devil is not our lord andsavior. God is.” Mitchell chimed in. “He is the holy light that brought us lifeand will bring us peace on Earth in the near future.”

           “Pfft! Please… you expect me tobelieve some homeless bum in a toga is going to wave his hands and bring joy onEarth? How is he supposed to stop war or end violence by waving his hands? Arewe supposed to be silenced by his jazz-hands just because it’s the homeless bumin a toga waving his hands?!” Hana laughed viciously once again.

           Mitchell glared at her. “God is nota homeless bum. He is the almighty, powerful creator-…”

           “Who wears a toga and waves hishands.” She interrupted.

           Rei frowned, listening to the restof their debate the rest of the ride. Once they arrived at the school, she feltlike she could breathe as everyone left the bus, following behind the brunetand violet in silence. Maybe if she was quiet, she could inch in a word tochange the topic. With how much Hana and Mitchell were bickering back andforth, Rei wasn’t sure that would be easy. Still, she patiently waited for herturn as the three walked into the school building, through the hallways untilthey each reached a long set of lockers. Rei respectively went to hers,isolated from her other two friends by approximately fifteen lockers apart.Hana’s and Mitchell’s ironically were placed beside one another’s.

           At this point, Rei couldn’t hear theconversation her friends were having anymore, allowing her mind to travel asshe opened her locker, taking out textbooks from her locker and replacing themwith the ones in her backpack. It was like she could feel rain clouds formingin the sky, brewing up a storm as they began to scatter. Trying to shake thethought, she closed her locker and returned to her friends, who were stilltalking about their religious differences like one was better than the other.Finally, Rei snapped.

           “It doesn’t matter whose God isbetter than whose!” Rei spoke up, “What matters is that you both have faith ina figure of spiritual status that motivates you to reach your goals and succeedin life.”

           The two grew silent, not sure how torespond. Mitchell and Hana must have been quiet for about a minute before theyfinally broke the silence.

[swagyano]

Casually dating a werewolf

Pairing: DiaRiko

Word count: 2,764

Hello so this is based on the diariko werewolf au in which dia is dating a big woof!riko I’ve mentioned a couple of times and spoke about a lot on twitter! This kind of like an experimental oneshot, I guess? I just wanted to write something really badly and it ended up being....really fluff. Anyways I’ve been thinking about writing somewhat(?) linear short stories for it and have this like an introduction or something, so ya! The au itself is still being polished. Big thanks to Michelle and Robin for taking time of their lives to proofread and help polish it up I owe u a lot

Anyways hope u guys like dia being a furry

The evening was especially peaceful for Dia Kurosawa, seeing as it was one of few rare occasions where she got to relax. Mixing between college classes, part time job at the pet store, and social life she miraculously has is more exhausting than she ever expected, and that’s not including the studying and work around home she did in between.

It felt like she finished high school only yesterday, excited about her independence and everything that came along with being an adult. If only she could turn back the clock and have at least one day where her biggest worry was finishing homework on time. Now she’s here at 20, living alone with her younger sister. Despite it all, there was nothing she could find to complain about. As messy as it could get, her life felt fine the way it was.

She was alone on this Saturday evening, phone ignored on the side whenever she’d see Mari’s name pop up with a new text message, assuming it was yet another on of her “ wish you were here with us :( “ selfies that she keeps sending in a poor attempt to still convince her to come out of her home. Dia however, decided hours ago to spend this time in silence with calming music and a good book in her hand.

Her moment of peace was broken by ruckus outside, loud enough to catch her attention. She gazed towards the small yard, brows furrowing. Ruby returned from her date about an hour ago, and it was easy to assume by now she was asleep in her room. Maybe she’d shrug it off, if the clanking on the trash bins didn’t happen again.

Of course, this was Dia, so going out there to check wasn’t happening without caution. In a rushed moment, she decided to grab a frying pan before making her way to the glass door that lead outside. Her eyes squinted by reflex so her vision could adjust to the pitch darkness, and when she heard rustling around the bushes she spent her free time tending to, she raised her pan higher. However a few steps was all it took for her to spot the familiar tuft of dark fur…  yes, fur.

Her shoulders relaxed, and she released a relieved sigh.

“Riko-chan.”

As soon as she called out, a big wolf-like head perked up from the bush along with a pair of large round amber eyes shining with excitement. The game of hide and seek was over, and Riko pushed her way out of the bush and paced over to the one who cautiously found her.

They were now eye to eye, Riko tilting her head down in order to do so. Dia smiled warmly. It was almost like she wasn’t facing a furry, pointy-snouted, sharp toothed monster that was taller than her by almost a head; the sight of which would make any man run away in fear.  Especially in the dark.

And why would she do so, when this was none other than her adorable, sweet girlfriend?

Dia herself wasn’t sure how it happened either. It was a while ago that she learned the truth about the shy, flustered girl that became a regular at the pet store she worked at is in fact a werewolf. It wasn't easy to take it in, but it wasn't as hard to accept as she thought it would be. Like anyone she was aware of monsters’ existence due to the town’s (sometimes) friendly attitude, but had only actually known one prior to meeting Riko.

There were many things she still didn't know. She didn't understand why it was when the moon was full that the transformation was unavoidable, or how she grew taller whenever it happened (though it did explain why she wore clothes a size or two bigger). But one thing she did know; somehow she had developed feelings for Riko over the course of the time they’d known each other.

She gingerly extended her hand, and Riko immediately buried her snout into the warm touch with a nuzzle. The brunette frowned upon realization she must've been lonely, as it was Riko’s own decision to isolate herself during the full moon for reasons she never spoke about. Although Dia was willing to bet it was due to her insecurities.

Pulling closer, she rested her own forehead against Riko’s fuzzy one, and the the amber orbs blinked in content as she nudged forward affectionately. This elicited a rare chuckle out of Dia that only Riko had the honors of hearing. In the corner of her eye she spotted the smallest tail wag.

“What were you thinking?” The question was scolding, but her voice calm and loving. “Worrying me like this…”

There was an apologetic huff followed by pointy ears flattening against her head.

“It’s fine, but next time at least call me. Even Yoshiko-san didn't have an answer to provide when I asked her if she’s seen you today. Alright?”

The solemn nod should be enough of an indication that Riko truly did feel bad for worrying her and that she plans to work on her mistakes. This whole relationship stuff was still new to both of them. And even in this monstrous wolf form, Dia could recognize the softness of Riko’s genuine smile. She returned it and grabbed the gigantic paw-like hand into her own, tugging her much stronger girlfriend back inside like it was nothing.

“Come, now! In we go before we get too cold. Don’t think that all that fur of yours will stop you from sneezing tomorrow if you're not careful.”

Riko of course happily obliged and followed, embracing the warmth of Dia’s home with a sharp inhale. As soon as they entered she took a crouching position and without giving Dia a moment to process what was about to happen, she took an inhuman leap across the living room and landed on the couch. It creaked and the brunette cringed both visibly and audibly at the thought of it breaking, but hey at least the carpet was untouched. And Riko had already made herself comfortable. You should feel lucky you're so cute.

While Riko was busy burying her snout into the cozy pillow, Dia headed to the kitchen. She shortly returned with a box of dog biscuits in her hands, something no person without a dog would own. In this case, she didn't mind spending extra money on them. It still felt weird seeing Riko eat them on daily basis. Even when she was told the reason she liked them was because they were like brownies to her (a comparison Dia had trouble wrapping her mind around but it did almost tempt her to try them), she had settled on treating Riko to her favorite snack. Only after a couple of failed attempts to satisfy her cravings with something more normal, like cookies.

At the sight of the brunette Riko scooted over, allowing her to sit back into her previous spot - only to flop on top of her, earning an ‘oof’ and disapproving look from fragile looking Dia.

“I don't think you're aware of your own weight.”

But Riko showed no care about it, finding enjoyment laying on top of her girlfriend and already preoccupied with crunching on the dog biscuits that were meant for her, leaving Dia to sigh helplessly. Not that she minded completely, because Riko was warm.

Now that she thought about it, it wasn't much different from when they'd cuddle when Riko wasn't in this form. It was silent, cozy, comforting.

With a smile Dia returned to her book, every now and then moving her free hand to stroke the top of Riko’s head. It wasn't long before the werewolf in question drifted off to sleep.

“So much for the creature of night, huh..?”

When she said she wouldn't change anything about her current life, she meant it. That included her odd looking relationship she never expected, nor planned to have. If a year ago someone told her she'd fall in love with a scary looking, soft natured werewolf she'd laugh in their face. It was strange but Dia was content, and friends of both parties had been nothing but wonderful and supportive. Riko seemed more happy as of late too, which truly mattered.

A single ear twitched when Dia placed a soft kiss on her snout.

The first thing she felt upon gaining consciousness was the horrible headache that could be easily described as having her head split open. Which was something one grew used to the morning after a full moon. The next were the rays of sunlight that were bothersome even through her closed eyelids, making her shut them even tighter as soon as she felt tears forming in the corner of her eyes. After releasing a big yawn, everything else slowly started  coming to her.

Riko became aware of soft breathing beneath her, only then realizing that no, she was not laying on the soft mattress of her bed, but rather on a person. Blood rushed to her cheeks when she finally remembered that in a moment of loneliness she decided the best thing to do would be to show up at her girlfriend's place at such a late hour. Still in a haze and struggling to open her eyes, a tender feeling of fingers threading through her hair with caution prompted a whine out of her. She finally did after blinking a couple of times to adjust to the light, and she was met with emerald hues. Serene, yet in a way mischievous.

“D-Dia… good morning.”

Of course she'd be awake already. Dia had always been an early bird, at least as long as she’d known her. The older girl shifted underneath her, chuckling when Riko hid her face in the crook of her neck out of pure embarrassment. The comforting motion of fingers combing through her messy auburn hair did not stop.

“Are you always a heavy sleeper when you fall asleep like that, Riko-chan?” ‘That’ of course referring to her other form.

She pouted, glad that Dia could not catch a glimpse of her embarrassed expression right now. Being teased first thing in the morning wasn't the ideal way to wake up, but it worked.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude like this. I just wanted to see you for a little, but then… ah, I kind of kept you on that couch all night, didn't I?”

“You're fine.”

So she said, but was Dia fine? Riko sometimes had weird habits of falling asleep anywhere, but even she imagined being stuck on the couch with someone a little heavier all night must be extremely uncomfortable. If she really did have any complaints, she didn't voice them. It was almost unbelievable how patient Dia was with her, and had been since day one.

The empty box of biscuits was nudged with a noise when she moved her hand that was hanging off of the couch to rub at her tired eyes. The headache was still present, and it must be obvious enough by the way Dia's brows furrowed in worry.

“I could go look for some painkillers if you’d like.”

“Mm, I’ll be fine.”

Dia still seemed skeptical, so Riko gave her a sleepy but reassuring smile. The first time Dia witnessed her like this she threw an entire fuss, and Riko found it hard to explain why exactly she ended up feeling this way every single time. The best way she could’ve really described it as being hangover. Not that she ever experienced one, but it sounded about the same when she was reading up the symptoms online once.

Moments of silence passed by as the two lay there. Dia was familiar enough with how long it took Riko to fully wake up in the mornings after such nights, and Riko was greatly appreciative of the time she’d give her. Especially knowing the brunette liked to stay on her schedule. Sometimes she couldn’t help but to worry she was a little bit of a burden because of it. Her arms wrapped around the other with a tight squeeze, earning a curious glance from Dia.

“I’m sorry for not telling you anything yesterday.” The sudden rubbing on her back caused her to shudder. Dia said nothing and allowed her to continue, “I wanted to pay you a visit at work but I wasn’t feeling too well. I didn’t want to cause any trouble for you when you already have your hands full.”

“Riko,” A little sternly, Dia tilted her head up so they could speak face to face.

“You should know by now that’s absolute nonsense, have I not told you so already?” Riko felt a pang of guilt strike as her girlfriend frowned. “I understand why you prefer to hide. But I want you to learn to trust me. I’m here for you.”

“I know.” Murmuring softly, Riko snuggled in closer. “You always have been… sorry.”

“No more of that, okay?” With that topic out of the way, Dia’s voice regained the softness that made Riko feel all fuzzy inside.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Guiltily, she pouted and cast her gaze aside. “It’s why I’m here now, after all…”

Dia chuckled and shuffled around more, now focusing on fixing up Riko’s blouse as it hung loosely, covering up her exposed shoulder while Riko let out another big yawn. She forgot to cover her mouth and left her sharp teeth out for the world to see. Luckily, only one person was here to witness it.

They were both in the sitting position now with Riko on her lap and cheeks cupped in those tender warm hands. Carefully, as if making sure she wouldn’t break something fragile, Dia placed a soft kiss on her forehead and the blood instantly came rushing to her cheeks again. For all she cared this was much better than any gross tasting medicine.

“Allow me to make you breakfast. Your stomach has been rumbling for an hour, it’s a surprise you haven’t woken up sooner.”

“No it hasn’t!” Right on cue Riko was exposed by a loud grumble coming from her own body. She ducked her head in embarrassment as soon as she caught a glance of the wry smirk. “Food sounds nice…”

“Wonderful. It’ll make up for not seeing each other yesterday, right?”

Amber eyes glowed as she nodded excitedly, shyness pushed away for the moment to lean in and steal the first morning kiss.

However, as soon as their lips connected, they got distracted by a click.

Riko’s head jerked up in a wary manner, Dia’s gaze following her’s across the room.

“Ehe... morning Sis, Riko-chan!”

Ruby, Dia’s little sister, stood at the doorstep. Phone decorated in cute keychains in her hand and a bright smile on her face. The two she addressed lacked the same enthusiasm she was showing in this moment, not finding time to even get embarrassed for getting caught.

“Hope you slept well! Ah, Riko-chan,”

The younger girl hummed with her gaze now focused on the phone. Riko broke eye contact as well, trying hard to ignore the blood boiling in her ears.

“Yoshiko-chan asked if you were here. I’m sure she will love to see for herself-”

“H-Hold on-”

“Ruby.”

It was Dia who interfered with their conversation. If there was one person Dia rarely spoke so sternly to, it was Ruby. Yet here, seeing her with that deadpan expression as Ruby did nothing but continued to smile innocently, even Riko felt a shiver run down her spine.

“Delete that.”

“I’m sorry sis, I’m afraid I can’t do that… not after all the dishes I’ve had to do last Friday. Sooo, did I overhear something about breakfast gathering?”

“Ruby!”

Like wind she was gone. Already chasing the twintailed girl out the window shouting something that quickly became inaudible when mixed with Ruby’s laughter, even to someone with great hearing like Riko.

Still feeling loopy, Riko finally got up with a groan that resembled a growl and stretching out her limbs. It was too early for a game of fetch, so she’d let Dia enjoy it on her own. She really probably should give her roommate a call and see if there was a way to blackmail her to never mention that image.

Why did it feel like days after the full moon were always the wildest ones? Humans must be affected in a way too. Riko shook her head with a pitiful smile at the thought. They still had it easier.