#tonight i will write a very long thing pros and cons and such | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ladylooch · 1 year ago

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What if you and Nico met in NYC through friends in common since you have a very nice job there, and after spending a lot of time together and being flirty Nico asks you to be his gf but you say no, not because you don’t like him but because he is a pro athlete, and that doesn’t mean he’ll cheat but the fact that he’ll have to be away almost all of the time. You can do whatever you like for the end ☺️☺️

You’re Not The One - Nico Hischier

A/N: OHHHH!!!! I LOVE THIS! Also, Nico strikes me as the guy who catches feelings first in a situationship ( did I use that right?? Old.) Also, I kept flipping between I and You while writing this so sorry in advance if there are missed POV edits.

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: Swearing, angst, implied smut/a little bit of heat, probably POV mistakes because editing is still not my strong point.

It’s a Wednesday night in the middle of winter. Snow is coming down in windy droves outside of your New York City apartment building. The white flakes completely erase your normally spectacular view of the rest of the city.

“It’s getting a little dicey out there.” You murmur to Nico glancing away from where you are sweating out vegetables. They are the very beginning of a spectacular chicken and dumpling soup you had growing up on nights like this. Nico is scratching at the back of his head, mindlessly while watching the Rangers and Carolina play on the TV. He looks out the window to his right.

“Yeah, I might have to stay tonight.” He’s nonchalant about it, but a smirk tilts one side of his mouth up at you.

“Like you weren’t already.” You chuckle, tossing in some more salt and pepper.

“Like you don’t want my warmth in your bed anyway.” He says as he stands, grabbing his empty beer bottle. He tosses it into the recycling, then heads to the fridge to grab himself another. On his way, he grabs the bottle of Josh Pinot Noir open on the counter. He tops your wine glass off, dropping a kiss on your cheek as he shoves the cork back into the bottle. “Can I help?”

“No. It’s your off night. Sit down and relax.”

“Well one of us worked today and one of us didn’t.” His hands go to your hips, sliding in behind your body so your butt brushes against his front.

“Nico.” You warn when he presses his hips a bit further in.

“Shhh.” He murmurs, kissing the back of your neck.

You and Nico have, on occasion, hooked up. The first time was a drunken mistake, the second a lonely one, and the third was last week, but you’re still not quite sure how you would describe it. Not with the way Nico had looked at you the whole time or how soft and slow and perfect it all felt. In general though, you would consider Nico to be a friend… with certain benefits, depending on the day and your mental state.

Nico is great, truly, but he’s not the one.

You have a very specific list of what you want in your partner. It includes safety- physical and emotional, someone who is attentive, spends time investing in the things you enjoy. Someone who won’t just meet your parents, but sit down and get to know them. Someone who asks about your past relationship to understand how you got to be you. A partner you can count on to be there when you need them, no matter the obstacles in the way.

Nico Hischier checks every single box on your list. He’s practically perfect, except one flaw. He’s a professional athlete. The list of cons to that are a mile long. You’d rather not be a part of that world. The drama involved with being a WAG, let alone the captains WAG, feels as though you would be on two strikes before anything even started with Nico.

Plus, you’ve been to his games before. You’ve seen the endless temptations that line the glass and the parking lot exits to get a picture or a chance to speak to him. You’ve seen the social media handles with different versions of Mrs. Nico Hischier. You’ve seen the looks shot in your direction when you’re out and Nico puts a hand on your back to guide you through a crowd. You don’t want to compete with all that. And you don’t want to lay awake, wondering if tonight is the night his guard slipped and he picked someone else for a minute.

You scan Nico’s face. No, you couldn’t bare the thought of losing him in such a way. So, you take what you can get and keep your strings as unattached as possible.

“Neeks, I’m serious. You’re going to make me burn dinner.” His lips continue to assault your neck, pausing and nipping at a few places he knows will turn your legs to gelatin.

“I’m starving for something else.” His hands swim up your rib cage then grope each of your breasts.

“Okay, but fast.” You cave, turning the burner off and allowing him to pick you up.

“This tastes better than last time.” Nico says to you two hours later. You are both naked in bed, slurping soup in content silence.

“I used a different dumpling recipe this time. It’s not as dense.”

“Mmm, it’s not that.” His voice is pointed. You hide your red cheeks behind your soup bowl and watch his spoon disappear into his mouth. The same mouth that just spent 30 minutes worshiping between your legs. “So sweet.” He murmurs so he can watch the pink explode across the rest of your face.

“Salty too.” You quip back, flicking your tongue out. Nico laughs, brown eyes squinting into mischievous glistening slits.

“Are you around tomorrow night? We play Ottawa at 7.” You know he is asking if you need tickets.

“I am working the suite tomorrow.” You adjust the blanket further up your chest, feeling a slight chill creep in from the cold night.

Your job as a Client Relations Manager is how you and Nico know each other in the first place. Your employer, Prudential, is a long-time sponsor of the Devils. You frequently host clients throughout the season and interacted with players for meet and greets and tours. During one of those nights, you and Nico began to talk, realizing you had many friends in common around the greater NYC area. It didn’t take long to set up drinks and establish regular happy hours as a big group. Nico bops in and out depending on his schedule, but it’s been two years of consistent, valuable friendship between you two.

“Nice. I think it’s my turn for the meet and greet.”

“Yeah, I saw you on the schedule earlier today.”

“Cool. We can grab some food after.” Nico’s fingers trail along your arm, your soup bowls forgotten on the nightstands during your conversation.

“We’ll see. I get so tired after suite nights.”

“I know. We can just grab something to-go and head to my place since it’s closer.”

“I have to go to work the next day.”

“Okay, just give me your packed bag before I go to skate tomorrow and you can go to work from my place. It’s closer for you anyway.”

You widen your eyes and look away from him. This is sounding very relationship-y.

“I don’t mind.” He fills in, reading your look.

“I know you don’t and that might be part of the problem.”

Nico looks at the ceiling, pursing his lips together to avoid a laugh. Then he rolls onto his side, bringing his hand to your back to pull you into him. His breath fans across your face with how close he is to you.

“We are so good together.” He begins to kiss along your neck, dipping into the part of your throat that meets your chest. “Let’s do this… for real.”

“This feels pretty real to me.” You murmur, tugging at his locks.

“You know what I mean. Be my girlfriend.” He pulls away to look into your face. He licks his lips, studying your surprised expression.

Internally, you’re panicking. He’s ruining this. You were supposed to just have fun. You never expected Nico to turn this into something serious. He’s a professional athlete- they usually don’t want that at your age. But as you think, you remember the changes you’ve seen in Nico the last few weeks. Longer goodbye kisses, more time in bed talking rather than fooling around. Then there was the constant insistence that you’re at every Devil’s home game in his seats, not Prudential’s.

He’s leaning in close, lips almost on yours like he already knows your answer. You wince, placing a pausing hand on his chest.

“No.”

Nico’s eyes fly open and he pulls back, staring at you like a wounded puppy, which makes you feel like shit.

“No?” He tests the word in his mouth, rolling it around on his tongue before the word is complete.

“I like the way things are right now.”

“I do too, so why wouldn’t we make this official?” He swallows hard, removing his hand from around your back. He’s no longer touching you at all.

“Why rock the boat? This is good for me.”

“Why not?” He asks, furrowing his eyebrows. You can tell he didn’t see this conversation going this direction and he’s beginning to spiral. You can feel him creating distance with each passing second.

“You know how I feel about the spotlight on me.”

“Yeah, so? I’ll protect you. We’ll keep it off social media and you don’t have to wear anything with my name on it like the other girls.”

“You know that no matter how careful we are, they will find me.”

“Well, at some point, we will want people to know about us. But it doesn’t have to be right now.”

“It all seems like a lot of work for something that isn’t forever.” You mumble, staring at his bare chest rather than his brown eyes filing with hurt. He says nothing, but you can feel his stare boring into your face. You pull in a deep breath, then gather the courage to face him head on. “You’re going to be a professional athlete for a long time, which is great. I’m so happy and proud of you for living your dream. But I don’t want that for my life. You’re great, Nico.” He begins to pull completely away, rolling off the bed and starting to put his clothes back on. “And if you did anything else for a job, I would-“

“Please stop talking.” Nico insists as he pulls his shirt back over his shoulders. “I get it. It’s a lot.”

He grabs his wallet, keys and hat from the dresser.

“Are you leaving?” You whimper.

“Yeah. What the fuck am I supposed to do after that? Stay? Your words were crystal clear about what this is to you, Y/N.” You’re taken aback by both his tone and the swearing. Nico rarely swears in front of you.

“Nico.”

“Thanks for dinner.” Is the last thing he says before he walks out of your room. You can barely breathe as you sit up, clutching your comforter to your bare chest. The sound of the door softly clicking shut barely registers before you collapse back into your pillows.

Regret begins to nag at the back of your mind.

Did you do the right thing?

Or did you just lose everything?

- - -

It’s your night to host clients in the suite at the Devils game. Normally, these are your favorite nights. Not this one. This one includes a locker room tour and a special meet and greet with Devil’s captain, Nico Hischier. And after your fight last night, he’s the last person you want to see. But also, not? Everything is confusing and you wish Nico had never come over last night to begin with.

Everything would still be normal if he hadn’t.

You stand at the top of the suite seating section, off to the side, away from clients and your coworkers. Your arms are crossed tightly over your mid-section as the Devils begin a power play towards the end of OT. Nico wins the face-off back to Dougie Hamilton, him and Jack Hughes play keep away before Dougie unleashes a shot, tipping in off Nico’s stick.

“Yes!” You scream, jumping up and down with the rest of the arena. You clap enthusiastically, hollering a ‘way to go, Neeks’ before sharing in congratulatory high-fives with others in the suite. Your smile hurts your cheeks from how big it is. You’re so proud of Nico’s two goals and first star reward, despite the distance between you now.

“How amazing is it that our clients get to interact with the captain after his game-winning goal? I sense more investments already.” Your boss high-fives you last, then proceeds to boast about how amazing it is to everyone else.

You don’t feel the same. Instead, you feel anxious and want to curl into a ball, avoiding your job and sneaking away into the cold night alone.

When you walk into the locker room a bit later, it has mostly cleared out. Nico is standing at his stall, dressed, with a stocking hat coverings his wet hair. Normally, he lights up when he sees you. Today, his face is neutral. You drop your gaze to the rubber mats, then stay towards the back of the group, letting your boss take control.

Nico is as sweet and gracious as ever, taking time to speak to each person individually. He’s so good at this part, making people feel like he genuinely is enjoying his time with them. It’s because he does. He loves fans and enjoys hearing their stories. He signs numerous things, even extras for someone’s nephew and his friends, who thinks Nico walks on water, literally.

“Please tell Alex and his friends I appreciate his support.” He smiles, handing back a couple signed pictures to the woman.

“Oh, Nico, Thank you. He is going to be so excited.”

“You are welcome. I hope he has a great birthday next week too.” He smiles. You are at the end of the line, so Nico raised his eyes to you once she moves along. “Anyone else?” His tone has changed being directed at you. It’s monotonous and unfamiliar.

“No.” I purse my lips after I speak, hating the way his eyes immediately move away from me to the Devils PR director, Megan. He’s signaling it’s time to wrap it up.

“Okay all, let’s get a quick picture and then Nico needs to head out.” Megan says, ushering the group back together for a quick snap. I stay to the side. My boss thanks Nico again and he begins to move towards the exit.

“Hey.” I call softly to Nico as he tries to pass me. “Can we talk? I hate how we left things.”

“I don’t think there is much more to talk about. Have a good night, Y/N.”

“We are still friends, Nico.” You mutter in annoyance, keeping your voice low so the rest of the group doesn’t hear.

“No, we aren’t. Not anymore.”

Alarms ring in your head at his words. You never expected your friendship to be over along with whatever benefit situation you had before. This is overwhelming. And your brain begins to race to come up with a way to stop him.

The door swinging shut tells you it’s too late. You can’t follow him. Because you don’t have the right credentials and you can’t leave your clients unexpectedly. Plus, you can’t allow for anyone to know about… whatever this was or is and now isn’t. Your lips purse instead as you slowly step back to the group, staying quiet for the remainder of the tour.

You figure Nico is long gone by the time you are done. You turn out of the locker room with the rest of the group and see Nico standing in the hallway talking to a gorgeous female. You recognize her as one of the Swiss models he follows religiously on Instagram. Well, I guess he’s already over whatever this was. And she would fit in great with the other WAGS. She has a sense of fashion, flawless skin and shiny hair. They look good together. Acid burns up your esophagus at the thought of his hands on her.

“Thanks again, Nico.” Your boss extends his hand for another hand shake. You resist the urge to roll your eyes at how obnoxious he is after three bourbons. Nico and you regularly make fun of him after these encounters, sharing a pint of ice cream on your couch. He would swear he’s just coming up for a night pint, then you would wake up tangled together on the couch at 3am. Nico would eventually carry you to bed and you would hold each other there instead.

You crave those moments with him tonight. Instead, Nico doesn’t even give you another glance as you walk by.

Megan directs your group to the exit, You reach into your purse for your keys, cursing when you can’t find them in their usual spot. You dig around, not seeing them anywhere. Then you remember setting them down on the counter when you first got to the arena tonight.

“Shoot. Megan, I left my keys upstairs.”

“No problem, I’ll take you back there.”

You rush back upstairs, finding them right where you left them. Megan heads down the elevator with you, thanking you for another great night of supporting the Devils.

“No problem! We love this partnership.” I assure her.

“Yeah. Will we be seeing you next game?” She asks as the doors open.

“Ah, no it will be the other client rep, Adam.”

“Oh okay. Well maybe I’ll see ya in the family section.” You’ve been in Nico’s seats enough that some of the staff members know you’re friends. “You can head out that door right there and should be right outside your parking space.”

“Great, thank you.” You toss her a wave.

You begin to head towards the door across the way. Nico crosses in front of your path, head tilted down towards his phone as he walks down to where his car is parked. You’ve done that walk with him before. He’s alone and you want to try to speak to him again to make this better.

“Nico!” You call, quickening your stride to catch up with him.

“Hm?” He stares back at you like you couldn’t possibly have anything to discuss with him. It’s unnerving. You don’t really know what to say next. You just gesture to the side with the hand that’s clutching your keys, thinking about his words in the locker room not long ago.

“So, we can’t… even be friends now because I won’t be anything more?” You shake your head, feeling your teeth beginning to chatter at the confrontation with him.

“No, Y/N. Maybe being just friends works for you, but it doesn’t for me. I can’t.”

That hurts, and it shows on your face, which makes Nico shift from foot to foot uncomfortably.

“Why?” You snap at him just like he did to you last night.

“I’m in love with you.” He whispers, shoulders shrugging. “How do you not know that?”

Everything slows in your body. Your blood, your heart rate, your breathing. The world begins to disappear until it’s just you and Nico in the underbelly of the arena. You obviously knew Nico had feelings for you, but you didn’t know it was love. And when he says those words to you, it awakens an awareness of what you feel for him.

Maybe it’s not about all the checked boxes. Maybe its about how you feel with him. And how he treats you like a queen while expecting nothing in return. You know there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you. Maybe being a professional athlete’s girlfriend is hard, but you know he is worth it.

Maybe the list simply begins and ends with Nico Hischier.

“Nico..” You start then trail off. How do you respond? How will you tell him about everything that is coursing through your body at his confession. How will you make it look like you’ve known exactly what this is all along. That it isn’t just to appease him or keep a part of him around. But instead, you are so desperately in love with him, even though it scares the shit out of you. He is immediately put off by your pause and shakes his head in misery. He begins to turn. “Please don’t leave.” Your voice quivers, making him still with his back to you.

Your heels echo with each tentative step forward, you reach for his hand, lacing your fingers together so you can pull him to look at you again. Your other hand winds around his hips so you press tightly to the front of his body. When your eyes meet, Nico sees it there.

“Say it.” He whispers.

“I love you.” He devours your mouth the second after the words fall.

“Again.” He begs against your lips.

“I love you, Neeks.” Your hands dash into his hair, tongue teasing against his lips.

“What about this life?” His forehead rests against yours, eyes closed like he’s too afraid of your answer.

“We’ll figure it out… together.”

“I’ll keep you safe. I promise. You’ll always be taken care of. I can’t promise you everything is going to be easy, but we’ll figure it out.”

“I know. Don’t worry about it. I want you. All of you.”

He pulls away to take you in completely.

“Wanna come over? We can eat ice cream and pizza and celebrate my wins tonight.”

“Wins?”

“Yeah, the game and you.” You grin, liking the way he looks at you when he says those words.

“My car is here. I can drive over though.”

“No, we can move your car inside the arena for the night.”

“Um, really? That is allowed?”

“Yeah, baby. You’re dating the captain now. Welcome to your new world.” He chuckles, leaning down to cover your lips with his. “Give me your keys.” You do so, watching as he walks over to the parking attendant. The man nods in understanding, then jogs out the door. Minutes later, the large rolling door slides up and your car comes through, parking beside Nico’s Mercedes.

“I’ll leave the keys with hockey ops. Have a great night.” The attendant salutes us both, then wanders away. You stare at your car, then look at Nico incredulously. He is as unfazed as ever except for the heart eyes beating on his face for you.

“Ready, beautiful?”

“Yeah.” You breathe out, sliding into the passenger seat of his car. The familiar leather hugs your body in luxury. Nico rolls slowly out of the arena, cameras clicking, fans desperate for a peek, calling his name and asking for signatures. “You can stop if you want to.” You say to him, knowing you’ll be seen with him and suddenly finding that not so terrifying with his hand in yours.

“Not tonight.” He brings your hand to his mouth, delicately kissing it. “Tonight is all about us.”

#Nico Hischier x reader #nico hischier fan fic #new jersey devils #my writing #hockey writing #nhl fan fiction #nico hischier #writing request #NHL imagine

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sgiandubh · 8 months ago

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Anon rebelde

Ya era hora de que una persona que demuestra con palabras que sabe de lo que habla, ponga en perspectiva todo lo que realmente rodea a la señorita fitness y a Sam. Una relación de quid pro cuo, ella gana seguidores y notoriedad en un circulo demasiado apretado de influencers y Sam tema para que el fandom escriba el fic sin tener que molestarse en hacer caminatas con youtubers rusos detrás. La ley del mínimo esfuerzo, por lo menos algo han aprendido después de tantos años de hacer ridiculeces. Espero que el anon vuelva con más información, es muy interesante leer a gente que sabe de lo que habla y en ello te incluyo a ti :)

Dear Anon Rebelde,

Para ser honesta, estaba esperando que intervinieras. Siempre tan bienvenida, siempre tan precisa. De todos modos, ahí va la traducción:

'It was high time that a person, whose words prove she knows what she is talking about, would put into perspective everything related to Miss Fitness and Sam. A mutually beneficial relationship, she is winning followers and notoriety in that very tight circle of influencers and Sam would have the fandom writing the fanfic, without having to bother being seen walking around and being followed by Russian youtubers. Principle of minimal effort, really, at least they seem to finally have learnt something, after all those years of ridiculous shenanigans. I hope Anon will come back with more information, it's very interesting to read things written by people who know what they are talking about, you included.'

Aaaaaawww, sweetheart, that was an awfully nice thing to say. But tonight is not about me, it's about Lonely Fitness Girl Anon, who seems to have started quite the conversation, in here.

I agree with you: we need more reasonable people to step in. That would definitely put Mordor between a rock and a hard place. It will be less and less easy to call shippers mental and stupid, I think, as long as we manage to keep things very clean, very square and very clear, exactly like Anon showed us. They can, in return, further ridicule themselves with their little sectarian fanfic, just like today's frantic, yet unsubstantiated, Fitness at Dawn umpteenth sequel. And it might, just might, force Them to see at least things are not that easy, nor quietly predictable, on the fandom front.

Whatever you publish and the moment you are choosing to do so are not details and definitely not for fun, as long as there are consequences to whatever you put on your page. I wish more people would understand that and perhaps then all the vicious circle boredom -> thoughtless posting/writing the script -> doubling down on the Narrative would be at least less predictable, too.

But hey, fingers crossed for Anon not to have been scared by the commotion. I'd really love to see her coming back for more, whenever she'd feel like.

#anon #fandom #shitshow #London Hyrox 2024

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garf-lover96 · 8 months ago

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my long ass elaborate ranking of Will Wood's (and The Tapeworms') albums!! (Everything is a Lot ranking list)

for the purpose of making this i've been listening to this whole album like non stop for the past week. i even made my parents listen to it with me (my mom liked it and said that she'd go to see the songs live if she could!). it was actually pretty difficult to rank all of them but i think the top 3 will remain unchanged forever, they're some of my all time favorites from will wood!! the way i'll do this i think is i'll write down all the things i like about a particular song, maybe a favorite lyric and a favorite moment or something. or just some general rambling. also i split Everything is a Lot into Everything is a Lot and Destroy to Enjoy, like in the remastered album!

———

1. Skeleton Appreciation Day in Vestal, NY (Bones)

first time i heard this song was over a year ago so i can't tell what my exact first impression was but it did almost immediately become my favorite song ever. I LOVE IT SO MUCH IT'S INSANE. also fun fact, memberoflottiescult really likes this song!

my main thing with this song is that it sounds like?? you know, bones?? it sounds like skeletons. the melody is like something a skeleton would've come up with. i can't explain it but it is hearable. best song ever

2. 6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro / Con)

it was one of the first will's songs i've ever liked on spotify. ughhhh the energy, the general mashing of the piano and it sounding like it's about to fall apart any second lol!! the high ass notes. perfect, so perfect. i was listening to this song while purchasing a meter long plush goose. the song is like a brother to me

my favorite part is the spoken "am i being detained? am i under arrest? read me my rights please! I WANT MY PHONECALL" it's uhfhdfhkf. showstopping

3. White Knuckle Jerk (Where Do You Get Off?)

it took me exactly one (1) full listen to this one to absolutely fall in love with it, holy fuck. one of the best things i've ever heard. every time it's on i have to loop it a few times

my favorite parts are the "i wonder how i woke up in the middle of my surgery and i watched them botch my heart. only the second worst thing that i could've thought was 'this won't have to end if it doesn't start'" and "i'll never know what it's like to love you" because ummm???? the emotion in his voice omfg, i love it when this happens. it's so perfect (reminds me of julian devorak..........)

4. Lygerside Daydream

had me hooked after the first listen as well. i love the melody and i love how the lyrics are written here. i, too, want to blow the seeds of dandelions and wish for nothing more. such a sweet sound. one of my favorites as well. nice to daydream to, ha!!!

5. Front Street

idk how to explain this but the pace of the song, like the way the lyrics are sung is so satisfying. just the sentence structure and stuff.. uhhh i really don't know how to describe this, but i love it a whole lot. the piano melody here is amazing as well it so???? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW it's just good

6. The First Step

so nice to sing along to!!! "and i hope i don't choke on my vomit tonight" and "take my anxiety and my sobriety, i'll kill two birds with one stoner. so if you see me please, take my keys i don't wanna be an organ donor" are my favorite parts:3 so satisfyingly said

7. Chemical Overreaction / Compound Fracture

one of my first ones too i'm pretty sure. the chorus really pulled me in. fast and fun. i think i showed it to my godfather once. the spanish part scratches my brain so good

8. Cover This Song (A Little Bit Mine)

very nice to sing along to as well. i love the melody on the very first verse. i love the part with the piano solo so much

9. Everything is a Lot

i love the melody sooooooo much, "all the moments you've lost, all the money it cost" part is my favorite. shouldn't be overlooked!!!!!

10. Red Moon

i had to come around to it a bit but i actually love it. love the "the constellations form infinite paisleys in the sky" part, such a nice sound. satisfying lyrics in general

11. Thermodynamic Lawyer Esq. G.F.D.

nice to listen to when i want to have something screaming into my ears. loooove the fact that liar liar was sampled in the beginning, i really like that movie. i used to be obsessed with jim carrey also. i binged pretty much all of his movies as a little lad

12. Jimmy Mushrooms' Last Drink: Bedtime in Wayne, NJ

the kalimba kind of bothered me initially but i got used to it. i enjoy the melody. don't have much to say about it

13. ¡Aikido! (Neurotic / Erotic)

it's not horrible by any means, it just kind of doesn't do it for me. i usually skip it

14. Destroy to Enjoy

satisfying rhymes, i prefer not to listen to construction work as a past time

———

this took so long to put together, i kept forgetting about it or rearranging it...

#garf lover96 yaps #will wood #everything is a lot #will wood and the tapeworms

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keeponquinning · 1 year ago

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Here With Me, the series — M A S T E R L I S T

Joseph Quinn x Erotica Novelist Latina Fem!Reader.

Summary — You've done pretty good for yourself. You have a best friend and through her musician fiancé, a best friend adjacent. You also finalized your dream since you were a kid, always being a writer, but now a published author. Not a grand success, but you gained a following whether from the books themselves or your presence in BookTok and the weekly podcast you do with your best friend. It's earned you invites to conventions with your fellow authors and...that's where you meet him. You were never a fan of long distance relationships, but falling for a London boy? As if there was any other choice. It won't be easy, but, you were both willing to beat the odds.

WARNINGS — There WILL be smut, all sorts of filth going on as typical in a relationship, especially a long distance one. Cursing. Like, obviously I'm writing this for adults. And also, it is RPF so if not you're thing... Understandable, I respect it, just respect me and others that write it to not be a dick about it. ✌️

The Pros and Cons. It's your birthday! You don't feel like celebrating at all, despite your best friends' efforts. What's worse? You're working through the weekend, a guest at a convention with your fellow writers, signing your books and...absolutely no news or content on your anticipated next book that everyone, including your publisher, keeps asking you about. It's all a bit stressful, and then, you meet him. Tall, English, chocolate button eyes and warm smile. Perhaps there would be something to this birthday weekend after all.

Part One - Two ( WIP! )

Close Shave. After growing so accustomed to his beard, it's time for the working actor to shave it for a role and you're the first to see him.

One Shot ( WIP! )

Take Care Of You. You're about to fly to London to spend two glorious weeks with your boyfriend. You both can't wait, to the rolling eyes of your friends. And it starts out lovely....until you come down with the worst cold you've ever had. You're miserable, tired, and hating that you ruined the time you have before you have to fly home. But Joseph doesn't mind, insists it's not ruined because you're still together and he'll just have to nurse you back to health.

Part One ( WIP! )

Yes, Professor. You're Joseph's secret, writer, girlfriend who you met amidst the start of his convention tours, things are hot and heavy between you two, though strained for the inconvenience of not living in the same city and not being official. You're forced to spend a week apart but plan to meet up with him back in London on the last day of his Con appearance, and after teasing him for his Professor type choice of outfits, well, you just couldn't resist showing up dressed as your professor's favorite student, now could you? We thought not.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three ( WIP! )

Get You Alone Tonight. The secret's out, you and Joe are a couple. The Venice Film Festival proves to be your first real outing as a couple, both dressed to the nines and by his side with the premiere of his film, HOARD, and you couldn't even be more proud of him, despite the nerves rattling you both. But once it's said and done and you're both alone again... The nerves get settled the only way you two can think of.

One Shot ( WIP ! )

Almost Made It. You both r e a l l y wanted to make it to that club opening one of Joe's friends of a friend invited him to. But... Oh... You both almost made it...

One shot ( WIP! )

Proud of You. Another festival, another fitting, another chance for you to be so proud of your boyfriend and not afraid to show it.

One shot ( WIP! )

The TikTok series. Your boyfriend isn't very savvy into the whole social media game like you are. But has appeared on your lives, sometimes popping into your videos from time to time, but now has warmed to the idea of doing them officially under your careful direction. He can't seem to say no to you, and you don't take that lightly.

Mini-series ( WIP! )

Notes — These are just the fics I've started, there are plans for loads more. So here is a masterlist for EVERY FIC / blurb / one shot I have planned in this verse. I thought having one big masterlist instead of thousands others would be easier!

Also? Requests are so open for these two, because I love them and honestly any excuse to write them.

We'll start over with the tag list too, just to be fair. So -- !

LIKE THIS POST TO BE ADDED TO THE TAG LIST! ( also reblogging and keysmashing into my inbox / DMs would be cool, too... )

Taglist — 46!

( actual tags will appear on the chapters! that would probably make sense. thank you! )

#— masterlists #writings — here with me #joseph quinn rpf #joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn fanfic #joseph quinn smut #joseph quinn x you #joseph quinn x fem!reader smut

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masterwords · 10 months ago

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Yo! I love reading these, you’re putting in the MOST.

1. Who would end a heated argument by defending their actions with ‘because I love you!’ ?

2. What would they do if the other woke in a manic state after a nightmare? (You know I’m eagerly still awaiting that nightmare fic, so I’ll have this as an appetizer)

26. What are their vices? (Specifically in their relationship)

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts !!

Heyyy, I'm happy to put the hotchgan vibes out there! A lot of my regulars have moved on to other fandoms or are taking much needed breaks from these spaces so it's feeling very lonely out here. I need the hotchgan like I need air. lol Thank you for indulging me! And always being there to shove me into a fun story!

1. Who would end a heated argument by defending their actions with ‘because I love you!’?

Man, I could really see it going both ways but god...just imagine it's Hotch. They haven't said I love you yet. There are plenty of things he does that just piss Derek off (and rightly so)...things that they're ready to go to blows over, even. And Hotch makes a decision that Derek doesn't like and finally, in a moment of pure desperation, Derek just says "WHY?!" and Hotch without even thinking says "Because I love you" and that's it. There's no more argument. Because what can Derek say to that? Mr. Repressed just verbal vomited in the sweetest most pathetic way.

2. What would they do if the other woke in a manic state after a nightmare?

Okay. That fic needs to happen ASAP. I'll work on it tonight with a glass of wine and see if I can make it happen. I really love it, but my writing has been trash lately. BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. Derek is hands on, he's going to try and soothe Hotch. He's going to hold him or run his hands through his hair, he's going to be physical as long as Hotch wants it. (And he does. I think we've established that this man is touch-starved.) Hotch on the other hand, he's more of an acts of service kind of guy. He's going to ask Derek if he wants to talk about it, he's going to get him a glass of water or a snack or ask if he wants to talk. I don't want to get too much more into detail because I'll dip into the story I'm writing for you. I will say, the direction I took is unexpected I think...which is why I'm struggling. I can't just fall into my usual comfort zone. And that's a good thing but harder to write when words are a challenge.

26. What are their vices? (Specifically in their relationship)

Ohhhh...I love vices. LOVE THEM. First of all, they're both so similar so one thing I think they both do is try to be in control at first. I can see Derek thinking he's helping, Hotch has to be in control at work so much that he feels like he's helping if he plans the date night or takes charge of weekend plans. And it isn't that Hotch minds that, he's totally fine with it, but if they both think the same thing? If they both try to plan the weekend without talking to the other? Things can get a little hairy. Lots of mixed up plans, rescheduling, apologies after hotly debated pros and cons for each plan and a big calendar posted on the freezer to help keep them on the same page.

Now, as far as different vices - I think Hotch is an over planner and Derek is very spontaneous, which can cause some friction. Vacations especially could be problematic. At home, I think that Hotch is a little messy and Derek is a bit of a neat freak (though their cars may tell a different story). Hotch is reserved and doesn't speak up when he's sick or hurt or might need to talk, which drives Derek insane. Hotch will suffer in silence until his insomnia kicks in, until he's awake all night, until Derek notices that he hasn't come to bed. "Do you need to talk?" he'll ask when he smells the coffee at 4am. Meanwhile, Derek takes his frustrations out on household projects instead of talking, so Hotch has to find out that Derek is struggling by coming home to the kitchen sink being ripped apart because of an irritating little drip. "Did you have a bad day?" Hotch asks as Derek rips the p-trap out from under the sink...the p-trap that has nothing to do with the little washer that needed replacing in the faucet to stop the drip...because he's moved on to a clog or something else now.

Communication is not a strong suit for either of them, which is a hilarious thing to say about a couple of FBI Agents with law degrees. LOL At work they're masterful, but with one another? Well...it's a learning curve. But the kissing is good and everything else can take its time, they have their whole lives to figure it out.

want me to talk about hotchgan? i will...at length...and hey, if you don't vibe with those questions, ask some of your own. i'll talk about them all day.

#otp asks #hotchgan

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freakingoutthesquares · 2 years ago

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THE PULP INTERVIEW 1987

So where do Pulp fit into the scheme of things, Russell? "There's a big gap between the sugary horrible pop charts and the ugly spiky indie sludge and there aren't too many bands in the middle though that's where our future lies I reckon. I think what we do is normal and healthy and what a lot of people are looking for - music that sounds beautiful but doesn't insult your intelligence isn't that absurd a thing to do."

Unknown fanzine (via PulpWiki)

Along with the equally excellent Blue Aeroplanes and Colenso Parade, PULP have formed a crucial part of the Fire records tour-de-force. Originally treading the boards back in 1983, the Sheffield-based group have re-emerged this year with only Jarvis Cocker remaining from the previous line-up, and have to date offered us 3 splendid 12-inch singles, with an album coming v. soon. No strangers to controversy, Pulp's first release for Fire, the haunting 'Little Girl (With Blue Eyes)', had a BBC ban slapped on it due to the direct nature of the lyric. Were the band surprised by this?

Jarvis: "Not really I suppose. There seems to be an attitude that anything is acceptable in pop music as long as it's never put directly; e.g. it's all right to say 'Let's make love tonight baby I wanna feel your body' but not 'There's a hole in your heart and one between your legs'. I wasn't too surprised."

Guitarist/vocalist Russell puts the other side of the coin: "I was very surprised seeing as we'd been playing that song live and on local radio for years and nobody had ever passed comment on it. I suppose that we thought it was pretty tame really. What really cracked us up was that Jane Solanas, a feminist writer for the NME, gave it the biggest slagging off."

As Sheffield has a fine track record for producing groups, I wondered what Pulp saw as the pros and cons of hailing from the city, and how important it was not to be seen as 'just another Sheffield band'.

Jarvis: "we'd rather not even be thought of as another band, let alone another Sheffield band. We play music so obviously we're seen as a band, but music is just our chosen form of communication really. Nice tunes are all very well but a song should get something across as well. As for Sheffield, it's big and smelly. There's no scene - just lots of people trying to outshoot each other."

Russell reciprocates this view: "In Sheffield the 'local' stigma is a pretty difficult one, i.e. there's an image of what Sheffield music sounds like (A cross between New York funk and a steel factory) and we don't sound like it. What pisses me off is that the tag doesn't fit Sheffield at all. We're proud to be part of the varied and very healthy scene that is Sheffield music. For the record I feel that Pulp stem very much from Sheffield's industrial culture, but that doesn't mean we can only appeal to Sheffield people or that we sound horrible. Something to do with having to make your own beauty because the sights and smells around you all offend the senses. Now the 'scene' is entirely different and there are a lot more bands like us (i.e. with songs rather than noises or textures) doing interesting things."

I make mention of the song 'Will to Power', to be found on the 12" of 'Little Girl', which attracted some criticism due to its (ahem) right wing connotations. Russell, who wrote the song, expands: "To be honest, I wasn't too surprised at the Nazi flak we got. It is in fact a real commie anthem dedicated to Arthur Scargill, and Nelson Mandela and the I.R.A. The reason it got flak is: 1) it mentions 1933 (the year Hitler came to power) 2) the title is also a book of Nietzsche writings compiled by the Nazis and taken out of context to try and prove their race theories. 3) I look very similar to Adolph Hitler(!). On a couple of occasions I've had to dash out of my local when yobbos started chanting 'Zieg Heil!' and taking the piss."

To their eternal credit, Pulp shun any attempt to look self-consciously hip (or indeed self-consciously unhip) in their appearance. For despite Jarvis' own admittance that "we are usually told that we look like a party of inmates from an asylum on a day trip", Russell is quick to point out that Pulp's image is important the more so because it's not a chosen or contrived one. Jarvis agrees: "We don't attempt to avoid current trends", adding "we can't help it if we're 2 years ahead of everyone else!"

Russell thinks that there are too many easy reference points in most bands, to the extent that people will tend to fashion their lifestyle according to the types of bands they go to see, citing batcave music as a prime example. So where do Pulp fit into the scheme of things, Russell?

"There's a big gap between the sugary horrible pop charts and the ugly spiky indie sludge and there aren't too many bands in the middle though that's where our future lies I reckon. I think what we do is normal and healthy and what a lot of people are looking for - music that sounds beautiful but doesn't insult your intelligence isn't that absurd a thing to do."

Overall I reckon Russell has every justification for saying this - listen particularly to the first 2 Fire singles, both truly tender but with a lyrical twist in the tail, or the eerie, relentless 'Aborigine', or the tranquil beauty of 'Goodnight', featuring Jarvis at his gravest, if you don't believe me.

If I had to compare them with someone, I suppose The Velvets spring to mind, but really, trite comparisons do Pulp no favours at all, and more importantly they can never hope to communicate the many facets of Pulp. The best way to find out is to buy one of their records, and find out for yourself. Enlightenment is just around the corner.

#russell senior #jarvis cocker #pulp #1980s #interview #printed interview

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agirlwritingthingsforgirlstoread · 1 year ago

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The Dizleys Chapter 1: Meet Roy and Cas Dizley

Cas walks in on Roy, sitting by the piano, hair disheveled, eyes burning with passion, one shoe kicked up on the piano bench, furiously writing, rapidly thinking.

She chuckled to herself. Her husband, the brilliant billionaire Roy Dizley, owner of the largest entertainment company in the world, artistic genius, hopeless romantic, was no less than three seconds away from throwing his pen across the room and hiding in his office for a few hours until he figured out the song.

“Roy you’re going to give yourself a hernia.” The words barely registered to Roy as his arms wandered up and down the keyboard, as if they were praying for some sort of inspiration.

Cas walked over over to Roy, and gently wrapped her arms around his chest. “Oh hey baby. How long have you been there?”, he asks, grabbing her hand with his while the other still wandered around the bass notes of his piano. “Long enough to see that this ain’t happening tonight babe.” Roy laughed in an amused sense, his eyes still focused on the uncooperative ivory and black keys. “It’s so easy for you. You solve problems that actually have answers, Cas.”

Cas laughed at the thought. She’d just finished the schematics for the newest roller coaster at their company’s amusement park in Texas. “Hey, what happened to our no negging after 9 PM rule?” Roy laughed at looked up at Cas for the first time during this conversation. “How do I do it Cas? How do I write a song that perfectly memorializes my Dad? How do I find the strength to go to that vulnerable place where I can really say something poignant and important about father-son relationships?”

“I don’t know babe. Maybe make a pros and cons list of all the things you loved and hated about your Dad. Or maybe even a simple Liket scale and then run a logistic regression and-” STOP. Oh my God you are such a freaking nerd and I just. Ya know I really really love you. Who else on the planet would suggest a logit regression for writing a freaking ballad at the end of a musical.”

“Oh I just thought-” “You’re always thinking. that beautiful mind of yours. The one that builds the world we live in. Its great. You’re great.” “You know you gave me the ring like 20 years ago. I’m already yours. No need to butter me up now.” “I’d like to butter you up real good,” Roy closes the piano and moves mischievously towards his wife. “I don't know what’s weirder, you suggesting a mathematical formula for a love song, or me being turned on by it.”

“Does this mean you’re coming to bed?” “Oh yes. Very quickly.” He grabs Cas’s hand and pulls her in for a deep kiss. As he guided her into their luxurious master bedroom, he glances back at the piano and thinks to himself “Dad can wait. He had no trouble making me wait after all. In fact, that was kind of his speciality.”

#love stories #chick lit #dizleys

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angelamajiki · 4 years ago

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PARINGS: Pro Hero! Dabi x Sister! Reader

TW: yandere, incest, no con, voyeurism, choking, burning, unprotected/no prep sex, breeding/creampies, snowballing, public sex, degradation, lots of dirty talk

AN: WHEEWW my first fic in a while, so excited for my first join intro collab!! thank you to the lovely jo for writing it <33 enjoy

A BNHarem Server Collab! Check out the other works here.

Breaking news: We have yet another report to add to the slew of attacks this month, this comes just days after we broadcast rumours of villains running rampant over the city. This spate of attacks has put the entire metropolitan area at a standstill, road closures and damaged property making it difficult for commuters to get to work in the morning. Road maintenance endeavour to do its best to keep the city running, but it seems futile when these attacks continue to increase. The entire city was brought to a standstill by the mysterious villain who has still not been named, but reports show they are nothing like we have ever experienced before.

Where are the heroes now? Who will save us from the terror overwhelming our city?

Every day the crime toll continues to rise and we have no one here to protect us. The Hero Public Safety Commission assured us earlier in the week that the crime rate would go down, that the top Heroes are out there protecting our city, but if so, where are they? Is it really safe to go out anymore, who can we trust? Would you put your life in the hands of a Hero today? When they have proved our streets are no longer safe. We still have no information on what is going on, or who is involved but we must remain observant. We will continue to report the latest news as we receive it, but for now, we must implore you to heed the warnings of the city-wide curfew that is soon to be implemented. If anyone has any information on these occurrences in the city please send them to us or contact the police, you can remain anonymous. The safety of our citizens is what is most important, stay vigilant and don’t go out unless it is absolutely necessary.

Christ, what a load of bullshit the news was nowadays. Constantly whining and squealing about what heroes did and didn’t do, promoting fear-mongering like it was the hottest trend. Between your father and two older brothers dedicating their life to the cause of justice, the world always felt just a little safer to you, the naive little thing that you were. And tonight was no exception.

Despite the rapidly increasing crime rates, your judgment to grab a couple of drinks in the city with your friends was hardly swayed. The stress of it all was getting to you and you’d love nothing more to drink your heart out at one of the few spots still left open. It was a sleazy place, but it was fun. If anything, you found a bar in the area where your eldest brother was currently stationed patrolling.

Touya had always been protective of you ever since the two of you were children, and he carried that same possessiveness well into your adulthood. Always chasing off any potential suitors, keeping you out of trouble, and generally being a menace to anyone who thought they were good enough to be around his favorite little sister.

By the end of the night, stumbling around drunkenly was the only thing keeping you upright as you made your way out of the club and onto the street, looking for a taxi to get you home. Sirens wailed faintly in the distance, a mess of blue and red lighting up the darkened streets.

“Hey sweetheart. Need a hand?”

Grubby hands met your arms the same time the cool air of the night did, tugging and pulling at you to come closer, wherever that may be. Jaunts and laughter echoed off the buildings, only adding to the haziness the alcohol induced. “What’s a pretty little thing like yourself doing out here all on your lonesome?”

Weak attempts to push the group of assaulters off you were in vain as they groped and squeezed your body at their pleasure. “Come on, we’re just trying to keep ya company. Right, boys?”

“Stop..”

Your whine came across much more pathetic than you could have ever hoped, only earning more chuckles from the men. “Just relax, sweetheart. We’ll take good care of you.”

Blue flames danced around the group of you, closing the lot of you against the building wall in a small circle of fire.

“Will you now? Last I checked, I'm the only man suited for that.” Touya was less than amused to have found out from Fuyumi that you traveled into the city given its state, even more so when he saw how drunk and disorderly you were being.

“T-Touya-nii!”

The men untangled themselves from you with ease, tossing you into the arms of your expectant brother, who was more than glad to pull you into a tight embrace. “Shit! It's the number three, Heatstroke!”

The comforting warmth of his body and scent of his cologne settled your frantic nerves, tucking yourself closer into his arms. “Honestly, it’s like you're asking for it at this point.”

Your heart sank low in your chest, but you couldn't find the strength to move away from him as he scowled down at you.

“Look at what you're wearing, you little tease. Bet you would have loved to have them violate you, huh slut?”

Never has Touya been so venomous with you before; it made your heart hurt, even more, to see your beloved nii-san be so cruel.

“Don’t you worry, that’s why your big brother is here to show you who you really belong to.”

Shoved against the wall, he pinned your trembling form with his right knee in between your legs and his hands wandering over your skimpy dress.

“You boys can stick around to watch; let a real man show you how it's done.”

Flames singed at your dress, burning it to ashes to expose you in the cool wind of the night. Hot fingers pressed into your skin, littering marks in their wake before they wrapped around your throat. “You were just begging for nii-san to come to save your slutty ass, huh, princess? I know you checked my patrol schedule before ending up at this dive.”

His hand tightened around your neck, his lips at your ear. “Wanted nii-san to come put you in your place, yeah? After fuckin’ teasing me all these years, you finally cracked me. Are you proud of yourself, little girl?”

A whine slipped from your constricted throat, your smaller hand gripping at the large one squeezing you with everything it had. “And now you've got an audience to witness my ownership over you. You're mine, little girl.”

Finally releasing your throat, his hands traveled down to your chest and groped at your roughly, pinching and pulling at your soft, sensitive nipples. Bile was rising in your throat as you drowned in your own fear, feeling him drag you into the depths of depravity.

“What’s the matter, imouto? I thought you said I was your favorite. You're hurting my feelings, y’know.”

“Touya, please-”

A scoff slapped you hard in the face as his knee jerked up against your cunt. “Don’t start with me. I know who you really are and what you really want, even better than yourself.”

His words stabbed at your heart, and his wandering hands only seemed to pour salt over the wounds. “You’re nothing more than my whore, little sister.”

Hips ground against your backside in a slow, teasing manner, groans pushing past his lips as he did so. “You have no one to blame but yourself.”

His erection was pressed flush against you, straining in his pants before he unzipped himself. At this point, you were more than sobered up running on fear and adrenaline alone. Your panties were ripped clean off with his free hand while the other stroked his hardening cock. “Look at me.”

The tip was aligned with your hole, rubbing slightly to gather the minimal wetness between your lips. “I said look at me.”

Teary eyes peaked up at him through wet lashes, silently pleading with a man who was not known for mercy.

“Good fuckin’ girl, so obedient for your big brother.”

With one snap of his hips, Touya fully sheathed himself inside of your tight cunt, groaning at the way you squealed for him. “Aw, you like that, huh, princess. Feeling good?”

A warbled moan was the only response you could give him as he slowly began to pull out. The alcohol had you buzzing enough to block out the pain of the stretch, and damn did you feel filled to the brim.

“Can’t wait to breed this greedy little cunt of yours.”

His pace was slow, agonizingly so. Touya couldn't help but savor every second of the first time having been inside you, especially after dreaming about it for so long. God, if it didn't turn him on to have an audience, knowing that these men knew he was fucking his sister.

What would the media think? God, the news cycle would be ripped to shreds tomorrow over this breaking story. But hey, no PR is bad PR.

The thought of finally having staked his claim in you almost had him coming prematurely, but he had to hold out for your very first time together, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

Heh, your crying face was so cute. Those tears weren't shy by any means and neither were your sobs. It's alright, you’ll learn to love being Touya’s cocksleeve.

“Say you love me.”

An impossible request when you're being violated by the person you held dearest to your heart.

His pace had picked up brutally, slamming into you without care for his flames spreading wildly nor the group of assaulters who seemed to vanish once they had the opening to.

“I-I love you, nii-san! I love you!”

Your cries were shrill and whiny, echoing into the chaotic night. The grip on your hips was heating up, so much so that his handprints were burned into your love handles.

“Good girl, good little slut.”

His breathing was erratic, hot against your neck as he growled and grunted into your ear. “Gonna let nii-san breed this pretty little pussy? Yes, you are. I know you are because you're fuckin’ mine, bitch.”

Moaning out your name, Touya came deep inside your womb, thick ropes of his cum painting your insides. You were soon to follow thanks to his thumb against your clit, causing you to writhe and whine in his arms.

Utterly spent, you rested against the brick wall you were pinned to, feeling the cum drip out of your still filled hole.

“Let’s get you home and into my bed, princess. I gotta go have a chat with Dad and Shouto, let ‘em know you’re fully off limits now.”

— tagging: @libiraki @bonesoftheimpala @tomurasprincess @sightoru

#yandere dabi x reader #yandere dabi #dabi #dabi x reader #yandere my hero academia #yandere boku no hero academia #yandere mha #yandere bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha #bnha #yandere x reader #yandere

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bi-bard · 2 years ago

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I Say to Myself, 'I’m in Control of It’ - Simone Imagine (Sweetbitter)

Title: I Say to Myself, 'I’m in Control of It’

Pairing: Simone (Sweetbitter) X Reader

Based On: Sweet Heroine

Word Count: 521 words

Warning(s): make out scene, hint to sex

Summary: Simone and (Y/n) have an interesting arrangement to help (Y/n) on their worst days.

Author's Note: I can acknowledge that someone is unhealthy and acknowledge that they're hot. Pros and cons, y'know?

YUNGBLUD WRITING CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

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I let out a groan as I slammed the locker door shut.

"You alright?"

I looked over at Simone, letting my tiredness and frustration show clear on my face.

"What happened?"

"Some asshole," I mumbled. I felt tears building up as went through the events again. "Nothing I did was right. I'm pretty sure my breathing wasn't to his liking. I mean, come on, if you hate everything in the restaurant so much, then why stay? Go somewhere else! I do not make enough money here to deal with someone dragging me through hell like that and leaving me no tip when all I could do was attempt to live up to their ridiculous demands. It just- God! It pisses me off!"

Simone reached out and touched the side of my face, running her thumb along the skin. "You poor thing."

I let my eyes close for a moment as my shoulders finally lowered and I managed to get control over my breathing. Her hand moved to grab my chin, turning me to face her. She stepped closer to me.

"I should come over tonight, huh," she asked.

I bit my lip. I nodded.

She would offer me that when I had a particularly rough day. It was an act of kindness truly. She took care of me in all the ways that truly mattered.

I could barely keep myself calm enough to unlock my front door.

She lightly pushed me through the door and locked it behind us. I dropped my keys and stuff on the counter in just enough time for her lips to find mine.

I let out something close to a squeak as my back was pushed into the doorframe that led to my bedroom.

She led the kiss. I was just trying to frantically keep up. I grabbed at the fabric of her shirt. Her hands were doing much more exploring.

My breathing was labored when she finally pulled away from the kiss. She moved straight to the skin of my neck. My mouth fell open as I leaned my head back.

I needed this.

I needed her lips on my neck. I needed her hands on me. I needed to be able to kiss her and grab her. It was freedom. No more stress or worry. Just her in front of me. I could focus on nothing but her.

She leaned away from my neck, moving so her lips brushed mine. She smirked at the look on my face. Hooded eyes and parted lips and very clear desperation.

"Are you okay," she asked quietly.

I nodded at her.

She chuckled at me.

She was a drug. That was the best way to describe it. This job, this city dragged me face-to-face with some of the biggest assholes I had ever met.

She was the escape that I needed. A high to wipe my memories for long enough to get me through the night. And if that was all this arrangement was, then I was okay with that.

And as she shoves me backward onto my mattress, I knew that she was okay with it too.

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Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

#simone imagine #simone fanfiction #simone x reader #fanfiction #imagine #x reader #sweetbitter imagine #sweetbitter fanfiction #sweetbitter x reader #simone sweetbitter imagine #simone sweetbitter fanfiction #simone sweetbitter x reader

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sfb123 · 4 years ago

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The Final Goodbye - Chapter 1

Book: The Royal Romance, Book 2

Pairing: Liam x Riley

All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Description: In a slight canon divergence from book 2, Riley reaches her breaking point with the engagement tour and decides to restart her life when the court gets to NYC. Can the rest of the group clear her name, and convince her to come back before it’s too late?

Rating: PG (I think there are a few swear words in there, very angsty, but otherwise pretty mild)

Word Count: 1,496

A/N: So, I did a thing. This started as a one shot that I half wrote like a month ago and gave up on. Then I got haunted by Whitney Houston (and later, when she got sick of bugging me, she moved on to @jessiembruno, I’m assuming to send her to harass me about finishing). This week, inspiration struck and I finished it...and it became a mini-series. So look forward to this over the next 4 Wednesdays.

A couple of quick shout outs I wanted to get out there: @callmeellabella, thank you for being so sweet and taking a look at the snippet I provided. @queenrileyrose, thank you for taking the time to chat with me, I hope the story lives up to the hype I gave it.

A not so quick shout out to @jessiembruno, I pretty much annoyed you every step of the way in writing this one, sharing screenshots, and letting you know every time that damn song showed up in my life. Your notes when you read it for me gave me so much encouragement, you were invaluable in helping me get through that last emotional push at the end. Hell, you even titled the thing! I don’t know why we hurt Liam the way we do, but I know in the end, we’ll always give him a happy ending (wait...not like that...well, maybe sometimes like that).

Tags: Listed below. If you’d like to be added or removed, just let me know!

Riley sat on the rooftop overlooking New York City, Maxwell rattling off the different images he saw in the stars as she got lost in her thoughts. They were in New York as the last leg of Liam and Madeleine’s engagement tour. Soon, they would be going back to Cordonia where she would be expected to sit in a cathedral and watch the love of her life marry another woman.

They had been investigating the scandal that came out at the coronation for weeks, and didn’t seem to be any closer to finding Tariq. As the time ran out, Riley’s hope of a cleared name faded further and further away. Could she really go back there and watch another woman steal her happily ever after? She was already in New York, it would be easy to just stay and try to start her life back up again. Honestly, if she wasn’t going back there to marry Liam, what was the point of going back at all? Sure, she had made a couple of great friends, but there were a million and one ways for them to stay in touch. Or ghost them, to avoid hearing about Liam and his wife. She wasn’t quite sure which option she would choose once all was said and done.

She weighed out the pros and cons, and finally decided that she would not be returning to Cordonia with the rest of the court. But she wasn’t going to tell anyone, she wasn’t going to give them the opportunity to team up on her and talk her into going back. And she certainly wasn’t going to tell Liam, he had already talked her into being the other woman for this entire tour, a moniker she swore she would never take on in her lifetime. She knew she wouldn’t be able to say no to him, and would be convinced to come back to Cordonia and be miserable. She would do it tonight, once they returned to the hotel, she would get her things together, and sneak out while everyone else slept. Daniel had an extra room, conveniently, he was using it to store the stuff she didn’t bring with her when Maxwell whisked her away.

“Earth to Riley. Are you even listening? I’m dropping some of my A+ material right now.” Maxwell waved his hand in front of her face, snapping her out of her thoughts. “Where’d you go?”

“Sorry Max, I was just thinking. Must have zoned out a little.”

“It’s ok, I get it. There’s a lot going on right now.” He replied empathetically, suddenly jumping to his feet in excitement. “I know, let’s go out!”

“We are out.” She looked up at him.

“No, not boring UN Gala out. Fun out! I’ll grab everyone, the dream team will cheer you up!”

Riley paused to think about it for a second. If she wasn’t going to give her friends a proper goodbye, maybe one last adventure would be the perfect way to remember them. They could do it up big, and then she would start over in the morning. She smiled softly at her friend before responding. “That sounds really nice Maxwell, I’d love to.”

“Yes!” Maxwell raised his fist in the air and pulled her into a hug. “You go back to the hotel and change, I’ll get the gang together and text you where to meet.”

Riley went back to the hotel and put on some more comfortable clothes. Something she would typically wear on a night out in New York. She didn’t want to start packing yet, in case Maxwell offered to walk her back to her room. She reached out to Daniel to make sure she could stay with him. Of course he said yes, while also trying to get the details. She promised to fill him in on everything when she got there. The more she thought about her plan, the more she started to worry. Maxwell said he was going to get everyone together. Did that mean Liam would be there? Would she be able to keep herself composed, and keep her secret, knowing that this would be the last time she would ever see him? She started second guessing her plan, she should have just left. Tonight was going to suck.

She entered the bar, and immediately noticed Maxwell, Drake, and Hana in a corner booth. No Liam. She took a deep breath and approached them. “Hey guys!” She put on her cheeriest face.

“Thank God, Brooks. Maxwell can harass you now.” Drake rolled his eyes and patted the seat next to him.

Riley slid into the booth and put her arm around Drake, giving him a side hug. “Aww, poor Drakey. I’ll save you from big bad Maxwell.” Hana and Maxwell laughed, and Drake rolled his eyes. “So Maxwell, why this place? You know I’ve lived here for like ever, I could have picked.”

“No, this is your cheer up night, so I needed to find the perfect place, and this is it.” He gestured to the stage. “It’s karaoke night!”

“So, if this is to cheer me up, and it’s karaoke night, does that mean Drake is going to serenade me?” She turned to face Drake, smiling sweetly and batting her eyelashes.

“Fat chance.” Drake looked at Riley with a stern expression. “I’ll buy you drinks, that’s as cheery as you’re getting from me.”

“Sold!” She put her hand out and shook Drake’s. She signaled for the waitress to come over, and ordered a round of shots for the table, and a drink for herself.

As the night went on, the group laughed and sang and told stories. Riley was having a great time, and wasn’t letting on in the slightest that this would be the last time they were all together. Maxwell had just come offstage from his third performance of the night, as he walked toward the table, his smile grew and he waved his hand to greet someone. “Liam, you made it!”

Riley’s breath caught in her throat, and she could swear she felt her heart stop. She closed her eyes briefly to compose herself before standing and turning toward the door to greet him. “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming.”

Liam’s eyes started to sparkle the second they met hers, his smile lighting up at the sight of her. She looked just as beautiful as she did the night they met, he loved when she was dressed casually. Sure, she was stunning in ballgowns and expensive designer clothes, but this was her. Authentic Riley. The Riley that had captured his heart. “It took me some time to get away, but Maxwell said you needed cheering up, so this is where I need to be right now.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek gently.

Suddenly, Riley was frozen. She wasn’t sure what to do, or what to say. Everything had been going so smoothly. Why did he have to show up? She couldn’t be there anymore. Not as long as he was. Now that she was faced with the reality of her plan, she didn’t know what she was thinking just leaving Liam without saying goodbye. Without telling him how much he truly meant to her. But she also knew she couldn’t give him a chance to talk her out of it. She decided she would use this opportunity to sing her feelings.

“I have to go. It’s my turn to sing.” She turned away from Liam abruptly, pulling the shot glass out of Drake’s hands before it could reach his lips, bringing it to hers and throwing her head back. With that, she walked to the front of the bar.

After a quick conversation with the DJ, she walked to the microphone and looked down. As the music started, she looked up and locked eyes with Liam. She proceeded to sing ‘I Will Always Love You’ while keeping her eyes locked on his. Their friends looked back and forth between the two of them, seeing the pain in both of their expressions. As the songs continued, Riley was finding it harder and harder to keep her emotions in check. She started to avoid Liam’s gaze, only glancing up at him occasionally. To most of the room, it sounded like she was leaning heavily on her vibrato, but her friends all knew that was her emotions getting the best of her.

Once the song finished, she placed the microphone back on the stand and quickly ducked into the crowd, before any of her friends could catch up to her. She carefully made her way to the door and left the bar. She walked a few blocks before she lost the battle she was fighting with her tears. After taking some time to gather herself, she continued on her way to Daniel’s apartment. There was no way she would be able to go back to the hotel, she’d figure out how to get her stuff later.

Permatags: @anjanettexcordonia @athena-penrose @chemist-ana @cordonia-gothqueen @cordoniaqueensworld @gabesmommie1130 @gkittylove99 @hopelessromanticmonie @iaminlovewithtrr @jessiembruno @kat-tia801 @khoicesbyk @kingliam2019 @lucy-268 @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @mile9213 @mom2000aggie @pixie88 @queenrileyrose @secretaryunpaid @sweatyrysconnoisseur @theroyalheirshadowhunter @twinkleallnight @txemrn

Liam X Riley:

@jared2612

@choicesficwriterscreations

#choices #play choices #choices stories you play #pixelberry #choices trr #choices trh #trr/trh #trr fandom #trh fandom #trr fanfic #trh fanfic #the royal romance #the royal heir #choices the royal romance #king liam #King Liam Rys #choices fic writers creations #liam x riley #liam x mc

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imagine-darksiders · 4 years ago

Note

I hope you feel better soon! When you're feeling better would you be able to write something about jealous Strife? That ask made me curious

“Do you really have to go?”

From your seat at the vanity, you heave an exasperated sigh and set down your lipstick, swivelling around in the chair to face the Horseman who stands sulking at your bedroom door.

“Strife,” you begin patiently, “I'm afraid my answer still hasn't changed since you asked me ten minutes ago.”

“Yeah, I know. It's just -” Averting his gaze, he crosses his arms and grumbles, “I thought we were gonna hang out tonight.”

“And I told you two weeks ago that I wouldn't be around tonight.”

You can't see his expression, hidden as it is behind the silver helm he wears, but you're fairly confident in guessing that there's a pout on his lips.

“And besides,” you add, “We hang out all the time. You practically live here. Hell, you've already turned my spare bedroom into your own personal den.”

'Den' is an understatement. Your spare room is now less of a bedroom more of an Earth museum, filled from floor to ceiling with all of the things that Strife has picked up simply because they took his fancy. For the most part, it's all junk. There's an obsolete gaming console that no longer works, a skateboard, a horse figurine made of glass, no less than three Nerf guns and not a foam dart between them...

Honestly, you're loathe to tell him to get rid of any of it, though you fear you might have to soon if you don't want the mess spilling out into the rest of your house.

Giving your head an exasperated shake, you check the time on your phone and stand up, throwing your bag over a shoulder. “Listen, it's just one evening with an old friend who I haven't seen since before the apocalypse. We can hang out tomorrow, I promise. But now, I really need to dash, he'll be here to pick me up any minute.”

Pausing to stuff your phone into the pocket of your trousers, you head towards the door, hardly noticing that the Horseman is still standing in front of it with his arms folded neatly across a broad, armoured chest. It's only because you glance up right at the last second that you manage to avoid a painful collision. “Um...Strife?” you ask, halting in your tracks, “... Move?”

In response, he simply leans back against your door and begins to inspect the claws on one of his gauntlets. “Nah... I'd rather hear about this friend of yours. You've never mentioned him.” Pausing, he shoots you a sly smirk that you can sense more than see, his golden eyes flashing, “You guys close?”

With a roll of your eyes, you mimic his posture, crossing your arms and giving him a glare that would make Death proud. “Strife, what's gotten into you? I just said I'm going to be late for my friend.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he returns coolly, “Just wanna know that my friend isn't walking into a trap.”

“Oh wow – a trap? Really? Of all the-” You cut yourself off and raise a hand, massaging at your temple. “Okay. Now you're just being ridiculous. It's not a trap.”

“Why don't you let me come with you, just in case?”

“Because!” you cry, throwing your arms up, “It'll be awkward! You remember what I taught you about third-wheeling?”

He remembers it well, in fact. Just like he remembers everything you teach him, committing the moments to memories that he'll carry with him until the day he snuffs it. He only has you for less than a hundred years, after all, and he's determined to remember every last bit of it. The Universe must have thought itself pretty hilarious when it placed you in his life. Of all the creatures in all the realms, the one he ends up caring about most just so happens to be the one with the shortest lifespan. It makes him want to hunt down the Creator and shoot a hole where a heart might be.

Shoving down his contempt for the omnipotent bastard, Strife returns his attention to you and lifts his shoulders in a shrug. “I don't mind tagging along. You know, just in case I have to watch your back.”

Your response hits him harder than a crack from Fury's whip. “I don't need you to watch my back every second of every day! Stop being so paranoid.”

The Horseman is too proud and obstinate to ever let the stab of hurt show in his eyes, but he can't ignore its presence in his chest.

He is not being paranoid... He's being a good friend - watching your back, looking out for you, all the things a friend is supposed to do. Not that he's had much experience being friends with a human. Or anyone, for that matter, who isn't a horse or his siblings. It's been a learning curve for both of you, though more-so for him, and so far, the most prominent challenge he's faced is balancing the line between being a friend and being an overprotective nuisance.

It perhaps hasn't helped that, ever since humanity was resurrected, the pair of you have been nigh inseparable. He's grown used to your presence – is dependant upon in, according to Death; a fact that Strife had vehemently tried to deny, at least until he learned that you'd made plans. Plans with someone else. Plans that didn't involve him.

It was only once he'd taken some time to reflect and found that he had indeed been glued to your side for months, that he realised the awful truth.

His older brother was right, after all. The smug ass.

A shudder rolls over the Horseman's body and he blinks, realising that in the few seconds he's been lost in thought, you've managed to reach around him to push open your bedroom door.

“Hey!” he complains as you all but shove past, and he – being the soft-touch that he is – simply allows himself to be moved aside. Grumbling, he follows you across the landing and down your sweeping staircase until you reach the front door and stop beside it.

From outside, the thunderous roar of an approaching, automobile's engine thrums in his ears.

“That's him!” you chirp, and Strife hates the way your face lights up at the mention of whoever 'he' is.

Throwing open your door, you head outside and try to pull it shut behind you, yet find your efforts abruptly halted by the Horseman sticking close to your heels. He ducks through the low doorframe and moves to stand beside you, his viciously keen gaze raking over the vehicle that idles at the end of your driveway.

By his own admission, Strife has always had a weakness for those 'motor bikes' the humans like to ride, with their shiny gaskets and noisy engines. But this one – the one upon whom sits a tall, lanky human – Strife does not care for.

“Anton!” you call out, flying down the driveway, splaying your arms out wide in anticipation of a hug.

'Anton' laughs brightly and kicks down the bike's stand as he leaps from the seat, his own arms only just opening in time to receive you when you crash into him with a whoop of delight.

As soon as those long, stringy arms wrap around your shoulders, the Horseman's hackles raise like a feral beast's and the sudden presence of Anarchy begins to claw at the confines of his ribcage. For a few moments, he wrestles with himself, weighing the pros and cons of letting his most primal form take over for a while, but after envisioning the disapproving frown that's sure to adorn your face should he pull such a stunt, he bitterly shoves a reluctant Anarchy back down and settles upon prowling down the gravel drive after you, glaring hard at the stranger the entire way. Admittedly, he is a little surprised at himself for the animosity. On the whole, he's always maintained a good rapport with other humans. He likes the species, a lot. So to suddenly be filled with such a strong disliking for this particular human strikes him as odd and out of character.

Then, Anton's hands slide down to your lower back and another bout of indignant fury flares up in the Horseman's belly. After what he thinks is, quite frankly, an obscene amount of time, the stranger releases you, holding onto your shoulders and leaning back to get a better look at your face.

“God, it's good to see you, Y/n,” he drawls, eyeing you from head to toe in a way that makes the Horseman's skin crawl, “I can't believe it! You've changed so much!”

Grinning shyly up at him, you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and reply, “Hopefully for the better?”

His own smile widens. “You were always at your best, even before the apocalypse. Still, being Humanity's Hero seems to be really suiting you, huh?”

At once, your expression falls and you pull a face, extracting yourself from his grasp. “Oh god, don't call me that. I've told the media till I'm blue in the face - the Horsemen are the ones who deserve to be called heroes. Oh, speaking of whom...” You turn to face the looming presence at your side and gesture up to Strife. “I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.”

Anton's gaze leaves you long enough to flick over towards the Horseman and you watch as he does a very comical double-take, his eyes bulging for a moment before he manages to compose himself again and lifts his hand in greeting. “Hey! You must be one of those Horseman guys. Death, right?”

Noticing that the Nephilim's hands curl suddenly into tight fists, you interject, “Uh, actually, this is Strife, Tones.”

“Tones?” He really does try to keep the disdain from his voice when he switches his burning, golden glare between you and the other human. “I thought you said his name was Anton?”

How many other friends do you have?

“It's a nickname, Strife,” you reassure him quickly, “This is Anton.”

A nickname... Of course. The Horseman's stomach twists itself into a knot and he can't stop himself from blurting out, “How come you've never given me a nickname?”

The human concept surrounding abbreviated names was a fairly easy one for him to grasp when he first learned of them. They're terms of endearment, meant to signify familiarity and friendship.

He's your friend. He's familiar. Why doesn't he have a nickname too?

"Ugh, I'm sorry. We'll brainstorm nicknames when I get back," you huff, "But the restaurant will give our table away if we don't hurry. So -"

Turning to usher Anton onto the bike, you hardly manage to take one step before a large, metal hand is sliding around your forearm and tugging you gently to a halt. Biting back a groan, you glance over your shoulder, ready to scold him, but one look at his slouched stance and averted gaze stops you in your tracks.

"Uh. Hey, Tones?" you call, never taking your eyes off the Horseman's mask, "Can you give us a sec?"

The human behind you is careful to check that Strife isn't looking when he rolls his eyes and grunts in acknowledgement before he turns and saunters over to his bike, leaning up against it and pulling out his phone.

Once Anton has turned his attention elsewhere, you raise a brow at the Horseman and wait, patient, expectant. After working his jaw for a moment or two, he finally looks at you properly and tightens his grip on your arm, not until it's painful, but enough that you understand what he's trying to convey in the gesture.

He really doesn't want you to go.

"Strife?" you prod.

Reluctantly, he lets out a rough exhale.

Although he's far better at it than his siblings, watching Strife try to openly express emotion isn't unlike watching someone pull their own teeth out with a pair of pliers. The process is slow, and it's best to sit back and listen to him rather than try to encourage him to speak. So, that's what you do, and eventually, your patience is rewarded when after another few seconds of silence, he offers a strained chuckle and says, "This guy isn't my replacement, is he? I know the bike is cool, and all, but..."

"Your replacement?" you laugh, incredulous, "Strife. I don't know how it worked with Nephilim, but for humans, having another friend doesn't cancel out any existing ones."

He knows that. He's not some whelp who never learned how to share. Frustrated with himself, the Horseman huffs and turns his head to the side, glaring hard at nothing in particular.

"Hey..." An old habit kicks in, and before you can stop yourself, you reach up to trace your fingertips along the underside of Strife's helm, tipping it back towards you and smiling at the bewildered look in his yellow eyes. Confident that he's paying proper attention, you pull your hand away again and state, "I could search the whole universe from top to bottom for the next hundred, thousand years, and I'd never find a friend who could replace you, okay? So stop worrying. Your ranking as 'my best friend' is not under threat."

"M'not worrying," he grumbles, but inside, his heart is aglow with the warmth of your words. At the back of his mind, Anarchy rumbles happily. You said best!... He's your best friend? He tries to recall you ever calling him that before. Then he realises that, no, you can't have done. He wouldn't forget a moment like that. Not in a million years. Just like he won't forget how he feels right now after hearing those two words.

Oblivious to the fate you've just sealed for yourself, you clap your hands together, bringing the conversation to what you hope is an easy conclusion. "Good. In that case, will you please let me go with Anton now?"

The Horseman's mood sours almost immediately, but at least he peels his fingers off your arm.

"Hey, kid?" he address Anton, packing his voice with all the menace and threat that he can muster, "If I find out she gets hurt on your watch, I'll introduce you to a couple'a friends of mine..." His hands fall less-than subtly to his holsters, where the silver handles of Mercy and Redemption glint in the sunlight.

Anton's face pales upon seeing the Horseman's legendary pistols.

"Stop that," you scold him, smacking the back of your hand against the armoured chest plate before turning to your other friend and calling, "Come on, Tones, let's go."

Anton all but throws himself onto his bike, kicking the stand back and jamming his keys into the ignition whilst you climb on behind him, albeit far more gracefully. The man tosses you a helmet and you shove it onto your head.

Strife's eyes remain settled upon your hands that wrap snugly around Anton's waist and it takes everything in him not to grab you, haul you off the bike, drag you back to your home and lock you inside.

“I'll be back late tonight,” you call over the roar of the engine as you begin to pull away, “There's food in the fridge if you want to eat! And my Netflix is still logged in! I'll see you later, okay!?”

Strife doesn't respond, not because he can't think of what to say, but because there would be no point. Anton has already peeled away and pushed the bike to a reckless speed. All the Horseman can do is stand there at the end of your driveway, his shoulders drooping dejectedly.

After you're nothing more than a dot on the far horizon, he tears his eyes off you and lets them fall to the tarmac near his boots.

He never notices you looking back.

#darksiders #darksiders genesis #Strife #reader #jealousy

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kashimos-hajime · 4 years ago

Text

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas!

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

517 notes · View notes

127-mile · 4 years ago

Text

Love as poisonous as flowers.

Pairing: Vigilante Renjun x villain reader.

Genre: Vigilante!au, superhero!au, flower shop, strangers to lovers | Fluff, angst.

Warnings: Blood, injuries, fighting scene, strong language, manipulation.

Plot: Renjun became a vigilante when he got tired of obeying the laws of heroes, he also began to seek the approval of villains when being good and helpful became too much.

Word count: +7k.

A/N: This is part of the Neo hero academia collab hosted by @badwithten.

Tag list: @peachjaem00 | @colpen

"Poor vigilante, what did they do to you?"

Renjun looks up, but his vision is blurry, so much that he sees nothing but a misshapen shadow before his eyes. His whole body is in pain, and he cries loudly when he fees a hand resting on his shoulder and when the hand sticks to his torn shirt from the blood flowing from the gaping wound.

"What is happening?" he hears another voice, and it brings chill down his spine. The voice is low, and threatening but laced with something a tad addicting in a way he could never explain. "Flower boy is bleeding out on the pavement." you answer and if the way you move is anything to go by, you are crouching down in front of him. "What should we do with him?"

He hears the stranger hum. "We need him, so I guess we are going to do our deed of the day by helping him." you agree and you put your hand right on the wound and a sob hitches in Renjun's throat but the pain slowly fades until it becomes nothing but a throbbing in his arm. "What have you done?" he whispers, voice rough and gurgling by the amount of blood in his mouth.

"I just saved your life flower boy, so try to remember that the next time we meet, alright?" he would love to say that yes, he will remember you, but he has no idea what you look like. "Oh, oh, easy flower boy." you say when he tries to stand up, but he sits back down when his head starts to spin and bile rises in his throat. "If you want to go home, you will have to wait a little longer."

"Who are you?" he asks in a small voice, and you chuckle softly. Even if he doesn't know what you look life, he knows he will be able to remember you by the way you laugh. "I am your sweetest nightmare, flower boy." you lean down and kiss his cheeks with a softness he was not expecting. "You owe me one for saving your life." you whisper close to his ear and he shivers.

When he looks up, he is alone in the dark alleyway.

Renjun wakes up tired.

He grabs his phone on the bedside table and he notices that it is almost 2 pm, which means he slept for over 11 hours and he is still just as tired as if he had not slept for an entire week. As much as he would like to stay in bed, and make the world forget about his existence, he has to get up, and he has to open the shop, not that he has an higher up ready to kick him out for being late, but he does have a bunch of bills pilling up on the table.

When he stands up, the first thing he notices is that he is still wearing last night's bloody shirt and that from the ripped, he can't see any trace from the wound he suffered from while playing the vigilante in the middle of the nastiest, scariest area in town. He walks to the full body mirror and he takes the shirt off. Nothing. Just dried blood, but no scar, absolutely nothing.

What did you do to him?

When he steps out of the apartment, something feels off. He does not know what it is, but something is different from the other days. But he tries to brush it off as he walks to the shop which is two blocks away from his apartment. He has walked this path every day for the past three years, and never has he felt so unsafe. He tries not to look over his shoulder, because he knows if he starts he will not stop until he is locked in the store.

He opens the door, and he is immediately assaulted by the different scents of flowers but it makes him feel good, it allows him to relax and take a deep breath without the weight on his stomach and the lump in his throat. Here he feels safe. Maybe he should not because he remembers the words you had said to him last night, but he knows nothing will happen in the confine of his flower ship.

Maybe he should not have spoken so fast.

He has barely finished putting down the fresh flowers he received earlier in the morning, when the door to the store opens with the soft ringing of the doorbell. "Hello, how can I help you?" he asks in his sweet customer service voice.

"Hello, flower boy," the customer says, and he stops, almost dropping the vase on the ground. "how are you feeling on this fine morning? Not too sore? Not too tired?" he turns on his heels and he is met with a smile he has never seen before, maybe because he couldn't see anything last night, but he does recognize the voice. "I'm fine, I guess." he answers, hesitating.

"That's great." you say as you walk around the store, smelling the flowers and smiling at the colors it brings to the place. "Remember when I said you owed me one?" he nods, walking back behind the counter, nervously playing with the hem of his hoodie. "I know, I should have waited a little longer to come ask for a favor, but unfortunately, we do need your help right now."

"We?" he tilts his head to the side, and you join him to the counter. "My friend, you met him yesterday. If it was not for him, I would have let you bleed out on the street, but he is nicer than I am." oh, this brings an unpleasant chill down his back and he tries to remain stoic, but with you so close and smelling as good as the flowers, it is quite difficult.

"What do you want from me?" he asks in a small voice, and you coo. You almost reach to pinch his cheek, but you refrain yourself, but can anyone blame you? He is absolutely adorable with his doe eyes shining with fear and something else. Adoration? Excitation? Who knows. "Do you happen to have a paper and a pen?" you ask as weird as it sounds when he was expecting some sort of explanation or death threat, but he gives you what you asked for.

You write down an address and you give him the paper. "Come here tonight at midnight. Knock four times on the door, stop for three seconds, and knock two more times so we know it's you." he looks at the address and he did not even know this place existed, but by the look of it, it is some sort of underground apartment. "Why would I do that? I don't know you, I don't know your friend!"

"Oh, my sweet, sweet vigilante. You do not have the choice, if you do not come tonight, we will find you, and we will make sure you bleed out in your store like you were supposed to last night." you explain in a voice that is way too soft for a death threat. "And don't try to have someone follow you, we'll know even before you step inside of the place, and the police will find two dead bodies instead of one."

You lean over the counter, and much like you did the day before, you kiss his cheek. "You don't want to know what would happen to the people you love and care so much about, and to this store if you do not come tonight." you wink at him, and with that, you are gone as quickly as you stepped inside of the store.

Renjun is once again left alone, but this time he is not hurt, just shaken up. But in a good way, if that's even a thing. He feels the adrenaline slowly slipping through his body and as scared as he is, he looks forward to the night. To know more about what they want from him. And especially, to know more about you.

He almost wants to close the store early, and to get ready for the little rendez-vous, but he doesn't know what he should get ready for. Maybe this is just a trap, and he will end up dead no matter if he shows up or not, but he has to know.

Curiosity killed the cat, that's what they say, but he is ready.

It is a quarter past midnight when Renjun arrives in front of the address on the piece of paper and he is out of breath. He was so sure he knew the place, but he was wrong, and he had to ask some weird person for directions, a person who he is sure would have beaten up if he was in his vigilante costume. But tonight, he is just Renjun, the flower boy whose stress is playing on his quirk.

He finds himself stupid in front of the door, because he forgot how to knock. He shifts from one leg to the other and he wonders why he decided to let his curiosity attract him here since he is clearly not capable of respecting the two simple rules that were given to him. "Fuck it." he whispers, and he knocks on the door. Three times.

Nothing happens for several minutes, so he gives up and turns on his heels. But when he gets ready to leave, the door creaks and he hears a small giggle. The giggle. "So, flower boy, are you not able to abide by the rules give to you? It's a shame, because we've placed a lot of hope on you." he faces you, and he tilts his head to the side. He looks genuinely sorry, but you can't accept it until he opens his mouth. "I got lost on the way, and I forgot how I was supposed to knock, I am really sorry."

"You got lost? It is a shame, especially coming from a vigilante, but you are young, so I think we can make an exception, but only for today, okay?" he nods, but stops, frowning. "What do you mean, only for today? I thought I was only supposed to do you one favor!" you laugh softly. "Saving your life is going to cost you a lot more than just one little encounter, flower boy. Saving you life has cost me a lot, you have to pay me back."

"It was not the deal!" he exclaims, and you let out a long sigh. "You don't have to honor the deal, if you do not want to, but you know what is going to happen to you and your friends if you don't. The decision is yours to make." you rest your shoulder against the doorframe, and observe Renjun who seems to be weighting the pros and cons. Finally, he nods. "Very well."

"Perfect, follow me." you open the door to let him in, and he closes it behind him. The hallway is long and barely lit, so he has no idea where he is heading, he just follows the sound of your footsteps. Eventually, they come to another door, and when you open it, he has to squint his eyes to let his vision get used to the brightness of the room. "Guys, he is here."

When he looks around, he notices that several people are present, either sitting on the leather sofa, or standing by the window. "Let me introduce you. This is Johnny, Taeyong, Ten, Kun and Doyoung." Renjun observes each man, nodding although he doubts he will remember their names. "So what is your name?" he asks in a small voice, and your mouth opens in a small "o". "Oh yeah, I never introduced myself, I'm Y/n."

"Are those your real names?" he asks and you laugh softly. "Who knows? Maybe we trust you enough to tell you who we really are, or maybe we are just waiting to see how you obey to tell you the truth." you answer and he rolls his eyes, not the answer he expected. "Sit down, we'll explain everything to you."

He sits on a couch, and two of the men sit on either side of him, and he feels a lot less confident. You sit down across from him, crossing your legs. "It's not for nothing that we saved your life yesterday. If you were not helpful to us, we would have left you to die in the alley." you start, and he feels something unpleasant doing up in his stomach. "A little birdie told us you were growing some special flowers in the back of your store."

His eyes open wide when he realizes what you just said. "What? Who told you that?" only one person knows about his special plantation, and there is no way that person has told them anything. You are bluffing, he thinks. "Before I answer you, I have a slightly more important question for you. Do you trust all of your friends? Do you think any of them would be able to betray you in return of a little power?"

He shakes his head vigorously. "No! My friends are trustworthy, and they would never do anything to disobey the law!" you sink deeper into your chair, your hands resting on your thighs. "It's funny to hear that, especially from a vigilante who clearly does not obey the laws imposed on superheroes." he bites his lower lip, it's true that it does not make sense.

"Come on, think a little bit, don't you have a friend who is dying to have more power in this world, who always wanted to have a little more?" one of the men asks, and he recognizes his voice, it is that of the man who convinced you to save his life. And if he remembers correctly, it's Johnny. "If you know about what is going on in the back of my store, you already have your answer." he mumbles.

"Yes, but we want to hear you say it. If you do not say it, you will not believe that one of your friends dared to betray you." you immediately add and he lowers his head. His heart hurts, of course, because he confided in thinking his secret would be well kept, but now he has to question everything he had ever said or done with his friends. If one betrayed him, what about the others? "Haechan knew that," he says in a voice so weak that you find it hard to hear him. "he was the only one who knew that."

"Do you want to know something about your friend?" you ask, but you do not really give him a choice. "He was the one who came to see us. We did not know anything about your store, or your little backyard business, but he somehow knew about what we were looking for, so he found a way to mee us." he cannot believe what he is hearing. "You are lying. Why would he betray me? He has nothing to gain from hanging with people like you."

"People like us? What do you mean by that?" Ten asks in a strained voice, and he regrets opening his mouth, you see it in his face, and it is so much fun. Just for that, you want to keep him around a bit longer. When he does not respond, Ten nudges him, hard. "Tell us. Wo do you think we are."

"Villains?" he answers in a small voice and you get up from the armchair, stretching your legs.

"You are not wrong, but you are not right either." you explain, turning around the couch in which he is installed. You put your hands on Renjun's shoulders and bend down so that you can speak directly into his ear. "We have not killed anyone, so technically, we are not villains. At least, not yet. That's where you are going to come in handy."

Before he can start to panic, you keep talking. This time, a little louder so everyone can hear what you are saying. "Your flowers are special, Renjun, because they are extremely rare. It has been years since no one has managed to grow them, and yet, you have succeeded. Your flowers can be used to do so many things. Good things, like saving the lives of sick people. And bad things."

Renjun already knows all of this, he has spent years researching which flowers can be used, and although he knows you are going to explain more about why he is here, he already has an idea of what you are going to say, but he lets you talk, he doesn't want to upset you.

"You see Renjun, we think the heroes take, and don't give anything in return. Yes, they keep our streets secure, and our stores away from break-ins, but they do not do it because they want to help their neighbors anymore, but because they know that the money that will be given to them will be enough for them to have a good life. Heroes are wicked, they are obnoxious, and they act like we should revere them for their service."

"You understand us, right? After all, you were the one who decided that being a vigilante was better than being a hero. You know the laws are stupid, and they are not obeyed because heroes think they have all the rights, and that they are better than that." Renjun remains silent, but in a way, he agrees with you. He never thought he would agree with a villain. A villain not so villain apparently. "We do not want to kill them, it's not our role, but we want to show them what it's like to live without powers."

"We want them to have to live in fear that a hero will not be around the corner to save them in case of trouble. We want them to have to experience what it feels like to be saved by a hero, having to show yourself grateful in front of the cameras to appease their egos. We think vigilantes can do the work like it needs to be done without the reward." Renjun nods and when you turn to face him, you can see so many emotions in his eyes that you can't help but smile. "And you need my plants to do that." he concludes.

"We need some of your flowers, but we also need a few plants that we are sure you can grow." he looks at you and he frowns. "What tells you that I will succeed in growing the plants you need?" you shrug as you straighten up, burrying your hands in the pockets of your jackets. "I don't know why, but I trust you Renjun, and if you've been able to do something that no one has done for years, I'm sure you can do that."

Is it weird that he feels something warm all over his body when you say that? He is not sure, but he puts that feeling aside, for now he has to focus on you, and your friends. "I can try, but what if I can't? you pout and you meet the gaze of one of the boys. "Well, we'll find someone else to grow what you don't have. But you will always be of use to us."

"And when you have everything you need, will my debt be paid?" you appreciate that he calls it a debt, even though that's not really the word you would have used. "If you do not give us fake flowers, and if you do not try to denounce us, then ues, you will be free to return to your little vigilante life, flower boy."

"I will help you then." you laugh, because he talks as if he had a choice to decline, but you let it slide, for now. "Perfect! I'll come find you with the list of what we need. In the meantime, I forbid you to talk about any of this little meeting." he gets up, nodding, he is not stupid enough to talk about this meeting with the villains. "What about Haechan?" he suddenly asks, and you turn to face him. "Haechan knows what we are up to, well, he knows a bit, as we don't want him to use that information to get something as well. So you do whatever you want with him."

You lead him back to the front door, and when he comes out into the dark, you take his hand to pull him in and once again, kiss his cheek. "See you soon, flower boy." and the door closes in front of his face.

Three weeks go by, and Renjun still hasn't heard from you.

Every day he goes to the store, and every time he expects you to shop up, but no, nothing ever happens, and he comes home almost sad that he has not seen you. Or even one of the men. He craves something he can't explain, something he never knew he needed to live.

Today is a day like any other, Renjun thinks as he pushes the back door open with a thrust, his arms laden with plants. "Hello, flower boy." you say and he jumps, to the point that he drops a plant, but before it breaks on the ground, a vine shoots out of the ground to catch the pot. "Of, that was a very nice catch!" you exclaim with a certain admiration.

"Is that your quirk, or do you have traps in the store in case someone tries to break into your store overnight?" you ask, curious and he puts the pots on the counter, shaking his head. "I can't tell you, or I would have to kill you." he immediately closes his mouth, regretting his words, but when you start to laugh, he huffs with relief.

"I'll be careful not to go inside without you then." you answer and start to walk around the store, the shadow of a smile on your face. "Your shop is really beautiful, you know?" he nods, even though you can't see him. "I worked hard to get there." you hum, you supect that it did not happen overnight. "I thought you would come sooner."

"Oh, flower boy!" you coo, and you turn on your heels to observe him from where you are standing. "Did you miss me? It is absolutely adorable, but don't worry, we are not going to part for a while. You will not have time to miss me, I promise." Renjun smiles thinly, but he doesn't know if he should be happy or not.

"No," he mumbles, but you can see the way his cheeks are turning red, and it's adorable, you hate how weak he makes you by doing nothing but by being himself. "but I could have started growing some of the plants you need if you had come sooner." you tilt your head to thes ide and you shrug. "We needed a few more details before we came."

"But since you seem so eager to start working with us, here is the list of what we need." you put a notebook on the counter, and Renjun takes it t oread the list of flowers and plants. The list is much longer than he had thought, he his eyes widen as he nears the end. "Do you really need all of this? It's huge, and it's going to take me a while!"

"That's why you don't have a deadline to get us all the plants." you explain in a slow voice, and when the door opens, you push yourself aside to let the customer speak with Renjun. You take advantage that he is busy to go through the door he came out of when you arrived, and you are surprised to only see a storeroom, but when you take a step forward, you notice another door.

"Oh flower boy, you are hiding a lot of things." you say when you enter the second room. Lots of plants and flowers are growing, some are examined through a microscope, and tons of books and scientific journals pile up on a desk that looks ready to break. Some flowers smell divine, other smell like death.

A plant seems to be singing on your left side, and the sound if so sweet and beautiful that you have no choice but approach it. The leaves are purple and you had no idea that plants could be so beautiful, and when you move your hand to touch a leaf, a vine wraps around your forearm. "Do not touch it. It will kill you in a matter of seconds."

"Is that a poisonous plant?" you ask, and he answers. "Yes, one of the most poisonous I have." you frown when the vine disappears from around your arm, the contact was not unpleasant. "As poisonous as love." you whisper.

Before Renjun can say anything, you speak again. "Shall we get started?" Renjun is taken aback, he was expecting to be given a few more days to plan everything. "I need some more stuff, for the plants I don't have." you hum, rubbing your arm where the vine was. "Make a list, flowers boy, of everything you need, and we will make sure to give you everything." oh, that's nice, he thinks.

"Some of the plants you need are really interesting, do you reckon I could keep what is left when you are done? I would love to look more into them." Renjun asks and you nod. "If you are still alive by the time we are done, of course, the plan will be yours to study and use." the sentence doesn't settle well with Renjun who suddenly feels extremely cold despite the warmth of the room.

When you leave the flower store, it is with a list in hand, and a lot of work to do before actually getting started.

"Oh my god, Renjun, you look terrible!"

Renjun squirms behind the counter when you cross the store to join him, dropping what you came to give him in the first place, putting your hands on his cheeks. His lower lip is swollen, red and split in half, he has a black eye starting, and a bruise is forming on his jaw. "What happened?" you ask, and your worry makes his heart beat a little faster.

"I had a surprise visit last night when I left the store." you frown. "What do you mean?" it's worrying, you can't say otherwise. "Are you in pain anywhere else?" you ask, tilting your head, and when he points his wrist which has a very ugly dark color, you put your hand on it, and as with his shoulder, the pain subsides, and the bruise becomes almost nonexistent. "A villain I took care of last month found me."

"See, being a vigilante is good on one hand, because you take care of the dirty work, but on the other hand, you take risks when you can't get the villains arrested." you comment, more to yourself than to Renjun, but nonetheless, he nods. He agrees with you, but to be perfectly honest, he would agree with anything you say to him.

"You have to believe that I won't be able to leave you alone anymore." you laugh, and he shrugs. "I think it's safer for me if you are there." oh, plus he is flattering you. "You are adorable flower boy, I hope you know that."

"I guess I am."

The next month insteresting, to say the least.

Renjun is constantly in the back room, trying to grow the requested plants, and taking care of his own flowers. And when he is not tearing his hair out when one of the plants dies before its ripe enough to be used, he is in the store, serving customers. But no matter what he does, he is never alone. No, you are always by his side, making sure no one mes with him. And he gets used to it. He doesn't jump anymore when you appear out of nowhere in his shop in the early morning hours.

Sometimes you even accompany him to his apartment, and you stay until late at night after cooking and chattong for hours about anything and everything. And honestly, the more he spends time with you, the less he can assimilate you to a villain, because you are not. You are kind, attentive, but he knows that if something were to go wrong, you would not be as nice anymore.

He took the time to learn a little more about your healing quirk, and he also showed you the used of his vines. Most fascinating to you was the moment he pulles vines out of his hair, and he knows he will never forget the way you smile at him then. And he certainly will not forget how his heart started pounding in his chest when you smiled.

He knows he shouldn't feel anything for you, but he can't help it.

Unfortunately, he does not know if what he is feeling is love, or just the urge to receive more compliments for what he is doing, and that he is going to help them change the world. You make him feel all type of things.

This morning, when you walk into the store, you look in a good mood, he notices the second his gaze lands on you. And although the customers have been quite rude since he opened, he instantly feels better. "Renjun, I have some good news for you!" you exclaim, and a weight falls on his stomach. He has been dreading this day since he started working with you. Well, with them to be precise.

"We tried the plants extract you brought us last night, and it worked! You did it!" Yes, this is what he really didn't want to hear but he smiles anyway, because yes, he managed to do something he was not sure he could do. It took very long weeks, crying spells and intense frustration, but he succeeded. "Oh, it's cool!"

"You don't look very happy, why is that?" you ask, and you pout. You thught that after having worked so hard he would be happy with the result, but he looks more disappointed than anything else. "I am, I am very glad you did." you sigh. "So why are you looking so sad?" it's going to be embarrassing, he thinks, lowering his head. "I liked it when you were there, even when you dropped the flowers, but now it's over."

You coo loudly and you take a step forward to gently cup his cheeks. "Look at me, flower boy." he hesitates, but he does so after a moment. "What you did for us is incredible, Renjun, and we will be forever grateful for everything. It is not the end except if you want it to be. Do you want it to be the end of this, of us?" he shakes his head with a certain vigor and you chuckle. "Then it won't be the end. Could I kiss you?" it is sudden for Renjun, but he nods nonetheless.

You lean in, and you press your lips against his for a short, but sweet kiss. And Renjun is so busy trying to control his thoughts, and his heart rate, that he does not kiss back at first, but then he does, and you smile. "Would you," you say after breaking the kiss, lips grazing over Renjun's. "would you like to see it being used for the first time on an actual hero?"

"What do you mean being used on an actual hero? How did you know it was working then?" he asks, taking a step back and you heave a long sigh. "We have our ways to test products, flower boy. We couldn't take the risk being caught before we were sure the product was perfect." you answer simply and he frowns. "I don't like that."

"I'm not asking you to like it, Renjun. You agreed to help us, you should have known about the consequences. We had to test the product out, and you are lucky we did not use it on you!" you exclaim, a little more sternly this time. "We could have done it, Renjun, some of the bous asked for you to be used as the guinea pig, but we didn't, because we understood how well you worked, and how easy you obeyed, never disagreeing with anything we asked for. You became one of us."

"One of you?" he asks in a small voice, and you nod. He knows he should feel any kind of pride, but he does, and it feels amazing even though he still has mixed feelings about the use of the products on non-heroes. "Yes, one of us, Renjun. If you do not want to assis to the first official use, you can, that will not change how we feel about you. But if you start doubting us, or to be offended by our way of doing things, then we are going to have a problem."

Renjun hums softly and he finally looks up. He looks more determined this time, and it warmth your heart a little bit. "Alright, I'm in." that simple sentence is enough to make you break into a bright smile, and Renjun can't help but smile too. "We are doing this at night, we'll come fetch you here, alright?" he nods, and as fast as you came, you leave. He is always surprised how easy it is for you to just disappear.

When midnight strikes, Renjun is waiting in front of the store when he catches movements in the corner of his eyes. "Let's go, flower boy!" he jumps when he hears you right behind him. How did you do that, he wonders, he did not hear anything before that. "You okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost." Johnny asks and he shakes his head. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

You take his hand in yours, gently squeezing it before walking away from the store. They are not walking too far, just enough for the store to not be affect by what is about to happen. "So, do you already have a target?" he asks in a small voice, scared that being heard would make him the actual target. "We do, and he is right here." you show him a man, a hero whose flame are surrounding his body.

"Ember?" he asks, dumbounded.

"Yes, he is the worst of all the heroes." Johnny answers before you can, and yes, he kind of agree. "He thinks the streets are his, and will chastise any hero stepping in front of him to save a citizen." Johnny adds. "Stay here with me." you say when he tries to follow the others. "My quirk is not good for fighting, and we wouldn't want anything to happen to you as well, as I can't use my quirk on you a third time."

"Why?" you like to hear so much curiosity in his voice. "Because you would die. Regenerating your cells take a lot of your energy, and it can only be used to many times on someone who is not properly trained." he hums, but before he can answer, he hears loud voices.

Johnny threw himself on Ember, and started to fight him, which cause the hero to fight back. The fight is long, and prety hurtful for both parties, but in the end, they succeed on pulling Ember into an alleyway, away from the citizens's eyes. "Come on." you walk into the alleyway and you smile when you see Ember trying to free himself from the restraints.

"Could you maybe use some of your vines to maintain him to the ground?" you ask sweetly, and Renjun can't say no, he is too weak for that. A few vines appear from the ground, and wrap around his wrists and ankles. "Thank you!" Johnny says when he can finally let go of the hero, but he doesn't stay far away from him, just in case something goes wrong.

From your bag, you take out a syringe filled with green liquid. The result of so many plants and flowers being used. You crouch down next to the hero, where you can have the best access to his neck and you pierce through the skin with the thick and long needle. "What the fuck are you doing?" Ember yells. "Preserving the world from people like you." you answer before injecting the product.

What you were not expecting was from Ember's flames to take on intensity and dangerously lick the skin of your arm and you hiss at the sudden burn. You fall to the ground and put your arm away from his reach. "Fuck! That was not supposed to happen!"

Everyone's eyes are on the hero who they think is stronger than the product, but after a couple of minutes, his flames start to disappear until the alleway he nothing but dark, and smelling like ember. "What have you done to me?" Ember grunts when he can't use his quirk to get rid of his assailants. "I told you, we are preserving the world from people like you."

You brush your fingers against his cheek with a soft smile. "This is for the greater good, isn't that what you always wanted?" then you stand up, and the pain in your arm almost make you fall back, but Renjun is quick to catch you. "Eh, easy. Can you heal yourself?" he asks in a low voice and you nod. "Yes, but later."

You wish you could celebrate this small victory, but you have to heal yourself before it is too late for your cells to regenerate. So you let the boys take care of Ember and Renjun lead you back to the flower shop, and once you are inside, in safety, you drop to the ground. "That's going to hurt." you mumble more to yourself than to Renjun and you put your other hand on the wound, and yes, it does hurt but you bite your lower lip to muffle a scream.

Renjun looks absolutely panicked on the side, unable to do anything to help you. "It's fine, Renjun." you whisper when he starts to pace around the store. "I'm fine." and you are fine, it does not hurt as much anymore, just a small tingle. "Are you sure?" you nod as he helps you back on your feet. "Yes, I promise."

"Thank you for helping us back there." you kiss him softly on the lips, and he smiles. He does not know if his heart ever missed so many beats like this before he met you. But he doubts it, you are the first person to make him feel like that. Like what? He doesn't know.

Love? Power? He wishes he could answer.

"Would you like to spend the night at my place?" you asl sheepishly and Renjun's cheeks flush furiously. "I would like that." if you came here, and even at his apartment, he never went to your place. Maybe because he already went there, he realizes, when you stop in front of the door where he had to meet you for the very first meeting.

"You live here with the others?" he asks as he follows you through the long hallway and you nod. "Yes, it is easier to keep track of everyone and to make sure we are all safe." this is sweet, he thinks, they are actually a family. A weird one, but still a family.

You stop in the living room, and it looks way more comfortable without all of your friends there, looking at him like he is ready to run away and scream to the world that they are about to stop the heroes from existing in the city.

"I wanted to thank you Renjun, for everything you have done for us. For me." you start, and he cocks his head to the side, burrying his hands in the pockets of his pants. "You did way more than what was expected, so you deserve our eternal gratitude. Mine." he is about to answer but instead, you kiss him, yet again, and it feels like the first time.

He kisses you back, one hand wandering on your waist, and he doesn't hear the door open. He doesn't even notice that someone has stopped behind him, but when a hand lands on his shoulder, and lips that are not yours come up to his ear, he tenses out, and his eyes close when words are spoken without him being able to fully understand them. "Thank you for everything, flower boy, and I'm sorry for that." you say.

When Renjun opens his eyes, he is alone in the shop. He frowns when he notices that the front door is ajar and that the sun is rising. Didn't he close it when he arrived this morning? It's possible, he thinks. Wait, why is he here so early in the morning? Did he spends the night here? He can't remember.

When he looks around, he feels like something is different. Not in the shop, but inside of him. It feels like something is missing, but he doesn't know what.

The answer is simple, but he'll never find it.

You.

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