#tomorrow I’ll ask my parents to give him his pills I had enough anxiety for a day 😭 kfbskdn

[yoohyeon]

I Didn’t notice what time it was until 3:30am, so I thought I’ll stay up until 4am and give Puppy is pills…it took me 30 minutes 🙃

[undyingskies]

Pregnancy Scare

Request: yes, “Hi! I never ask anyone for an imagine before so here's me shooting my shoot. Could you please write an imagine about the reader having a pregnancy scare? Maybe she's been feeling a bit sick and Owen makes a joke about her being pregnant and reader realize that she missed her period and the whole pregnancy scare while Owen is besides her supporting her no matter what. Thank you 💗”

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this one! I am hoping to have the Charlie fit out tomorrow, I am not sure yet but it is coming. I have a few more Owen requests to get done and I also have an idea for an Owen fic that maybe a two parter?? If people are into it! Thank you to everyone who has been liking my posts, following me, and sending requests! xoxo

Warnings: Brief mention of sex and moments of anxiety, but other than that it’s mostly just some fluff! 

—————————————————

It has been days. Days and days and days of feeling like complete and udder garbage. You couldn’t even turn in your bed without having nausea hit you like a truck.

As many days you haven’t been feeling well is the same amount of days you haven’t left your house and barely spoken to anyone.

You didn’t meant to ghost anyone, especially Owen your boyfriend, but you felt so gross that doing anything but sleep just seemed way too difficult. You just wanted this to end, you wanted to feel normal again.

You hear your front door open and you panic a little but then you hear your boyfriends voice. A smile forming on your face, you did miss him.

“Y/N where are you?? I decided that you couldn’t ignore me if I was here with you.” You hear him chuckle and he makes his way into your room. Practically busting the door open, the sound of it hitting the wall causing you to wince.

Did you mention that on top of the constant nausea, you always had a migraine to just top it off.

Owen notices you wincing and immediately feels bad. He knows you’ve had a migraine for days now and he think to himself that he should have been more careful.

“Aw baby, I’m sorry. I forgot for a second buuuut I do have some medicine for you. I have caffeine pills that will hopefully help with the migraine, as well as advil. I also brought a heating pad for your stomach and some ginger ale too.” He tells you, sitting beside you on your  bed. He leans down to place a kiss on your forehead.

“You don’t feel warm or like you have a fever so that must be a good sign.” He tells you.

“I guess, I don’t know what’s going on though.” You tell him moving to sit up and face him. Which was a mistake, a big one. The minute you moved your whole head started to spin and you felt your stomach turn.

You look at Owen panicked. You push him out of your way, your feet landing on the cold floor, taking you to the bathroom as fast as they could. You reach the toilet just in time as your stomach empties itself into the porcelain bowl.

Your stomach continued to empty itself, which is shocking because you’ve barely eaten anything the last few days. Your throat burning and you’re left sitting by the toilet heaving.

You miss Owen coming in the bathroom and sitting beside you on the floor. He has one hand pulling your hair out of your face and the other gently rubbing circles on your back hoping it would help you calm down.

It takes a few minutes for you to calm down and catch your breath again. You push yourself up a little and your back comes in contact with your tub, offering you some support to lean on. You pull your knees to your chest and wrap your arms around them. You let your head rest on top of them.

You peak up at Owen and give him the biggest smile you could muster. Which quite frankly is pathetic, which causes him to laugh a little.

He moves again to sit next to you, pulling your body into his side. You lean your head on his shoulder. The two of you just in silence for a little.

“Are you feeling any better now Y/N?”

“I guess, still feel super nauseous.” You tell him. “It’s been so many days now; I just want it to be over.”

“Dude maybe you’re pregnant!” Owen says laughing, thinking his joke would lighten the mood.

That’s when it hits you and it hits you like a truck. Pregnant. Oh my god. You didn’t even realize it but you haven’t had your period this month. How could you not realize that? You start to panic; how could you be so stupid? How did you not notice? You feel your thoughts spiraling.

“You okay baby? What’s going on in that head of yours.” Owen asks you now worried because of the look on your face. He moves your face to look right at him.

“I...I missed my period this month. I didn’t even realize until you just said that. Owen, I could be pregnant!” You say panicked, looking at his face carefully and seeing a similar panicked look come across his face.

“What do you mean Y/N? That can’t be, we haven’t had sex in a while. The last time was...”  He trails off and realization hits the both of you.

The last time you guys had sex was on a night out. You both had a few too many drinks and were left giggly and touchy all night. You’re usually both so good at using protection but due to the level of intoxication that night, neither of you were quite sure if you did use it or not.

“Okay, okay. So it is possible.” You say, more panic setting in at this realization. Owen can tell how freaked out you are, between the two of you, you’re usually the one to calm the situation down. This time it has to be him. He grabs both your hands in his.

“Look at me baby. It’s going to be okay, you and I, we will get through this. Let’s just take a breath in and out and calm down first, okay?” He says making direct eye contact with you and breathing in sync with you. You nod and breath with him for a few seconds.

“What are we gonna do O? What if I am pregnant?” You ask, worry setting in again.

“If you’re pregnant then you’re pregnant and we’re gonna be parents. It’s you and I baby. I have your back no matter what.” He tells you with a smile, your nerves slowly starting to calm down.

“How about this, you take a nice warm shower and I will go buy some tests. Do you feel good enough to get in there? I think it’ll help you calm down and feel better.” He asks you. You nod your head yes.

Owen is quick to grab you by your hands and help you stand up. He goes to turn the water on and letting it run so it can get warm for you. He turns to help you pull your sweatshirt, well his sweatshirt, over your head. He leans down to give you a kiss and help you step into the warm water.

Your stress washing down the drain with the water.

“I’ll be right back baby. Take your time and relax okay. I promise it’s nothing to get too worked up over, remember it’s you and I no matter what.” He leans into the shower to give you a kiss goodbye. Then he’s on his way to the store, a blush on his cheeks as he has to purchase pregnancy tests from a stranger.

You let the warm water caress your skin, trying to calm your thoughts down. You can’t help but let them wonder. Owen just started his career, a family would get in the way of that, besides your both still so young, you don’t even live together yet. How is adding a baby to that going to help? Well it’s not going to help, you think.

Sobs start to wrack through your body as you let your intrusive thoughts take over your mind. You don’t know how long you were in the shower or how long Owen was gone but the water started to get cold.

Owen stepped into the apartment and he immediately heard your sobs. He quickly runs into the bathroom and turns the water off. He pulls you out of the shower and wraps the towel around your body, helping warm you up again.

He has your body so close to his, that you couldn’t possibly get closer. He’s placing soft kisses to your head and whispering sweet nothings into your ear hoping to help you calm down.

He hears your sobs quieting down and your breathing start to return to normal.

“What happened baby? When I left you were doing fine.” He asks you worried again.

“I just started thinking about it all. Owen you just started your career, a baby, a family would get in the way of that! Plus we’re so young, how could we manage a family this young? And to top it off we don’t even live together yet, I don’t want a baby forcing us to move in together or force us to move faster than we want too.” You spew out, feeling a little better now that you got everything you were feeling out.

A little nervous at Owen‘s reaction. He places his hands under your chin and has you look at him.

“Baby I told you, it’s you and me. No matter what. None of that stuff matters, my career will be fine. A family and a baby would not ruin that in any way. And yes, we’re young but who cares, we would be able to handle it. A baby would not force us to move faster than we want too, I love you with my whole entire heart Y/N. Maybe it is time to start moving forward.” He tells you maintaining eye contact the whole time. You smile at his words and lean in to kiss him.

“How about you take the test now?” He says placing the box in your hand. He leaves the bathroom and closes the door behind him.

Moment of truth you think to yourself as you open the box and prepare to pee on that little stick.

You set a timer for two minutes and make your way out of the bathroom to sit next to Owen on your bed. Owen has another idea though and pulls you to sit on his lap. You tighten the towel around you and he snuggles his head into your neck.

You breath in and just enjoy this moment with Owen. His hot breath on your neck and his thumbs rubbing small circles on the exposed skin of your legs.

He’s right, it really is him and you, since the moment you guys got together. He has always had your back and never faltered either, you doing the same for him. The love you guys have for each other is that once in a lifetime type of love. You feel your nerves calm down yet again at your thoughts but they spike up once again at your alarm blaring.

Owen lifts his head to look at you.

“Guess this is it.” He says to you, grabbing your hand and you both make your way into the bathroom and to the sink. Your test placed upside down on the sink.

You look at each other and take a deep breath in as you move to flip the test over.

*Not Pregnant*  it reads. A sigh of relief leaving both of your lips. You turn to look at each other and laugh a little.

“Is it bad that I am relieved?” He asks you, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

“No, not at all because same.” You tell him and lean in to give him a kiss. He wraps his arms around your waist.

“Thank you for being so sweet and the calm one throughout this.”

“Of course baby. Like I said the whole time it’s you and me, no matter what.” He leans in to give you a sweet kiss, all your negative and nervous thoughts fading at his words and lips on yours.

You really were so lucky to have him.

“Now how about that moving forward thing we were talking about. Maybe it is time to move in together?” He asks you his tone full of hopefulness.

“I think that’s a great idea.” You say smiling up at him. He leans in for another kiss.

You were now moving in with the love of your life and you could not be happier. The future was bright for the two of you.

[babyflossy]

is this real?

pairing; taeyong x female!reader (my future works are gonna be gender neutral unless explicitly stated otherwise)

word count; 1.7k

summary/requested; taeyong wants a calm birthday but you have important news to tell him. I deleted the request for this and I'm pretty sure they wanted smut but I just want this out of my drafts so I'm really sorry! also this was supposed to be a birthday request rip,,, also another instalment of flossy can’t think of titles

genre/warnings; cringey (I'm so sorry), pregnancy (?), fluff

the day had been simple. taeyong had requested you to keep his celebrations to a minimum this year; a true day for him to relax and not have to worry about anything. it had started just as he had wanted, you had made breakfast in bed for him, waking him up with feathery kisses to his cheeks. regardless of his wishes for you to not get him anything, you couldn’t resist getting a few token gifts you knew he would like.

at first, your plan had been to surprise him in the morning, soon after he had woken up. the little wrapped box had never been far from your reach the whole day, even as you found yourself getting ready for the dinner his members had insisted on. every chance you had to give it to him you lost; shaky hands and sweaty palms not allowing you to simply hand over the box wrapped so neatly, a little silver ribbon tied around it.

as you brushed on your blush, convince yourself you would give it to him before you left the house, at least. that didn’t happen, of course, as when you went to get it the only thing you could think of was taeyong’s disappointed face when he opened it. what if he didn’t want it? what if he wasn’t ready.

sure, you had both agreed you wanted kids, but was now the right time? a few months ago he had suggested you to stop taking the pill and just see what happened, but when his company suggested a solo album you had gone back on it. what he didn’t know, and what he was soon to find out, was that in those few weeks of being off the pill you had gotten pregnant.

it had been hell, as expected, keeping it from him. you wanted nothing more than to tell him the moment you found out, but deciding it was only a few weeks until his birthday you managed to hold off telling him. as the weeks dragged on your anxiety only grew until you weren’t even sure if you were ready, let alone him.

a hand rubbing along the bare expanse of your shoulders shakes you from your thoughts and you meet taeyong’s eyes in the mirror, offering him a smile. a frown settles on his face as he toys with the thin strap of the silk dress you’re wearing. the material is tight on your body and it glitters under the artificial light in your bedroom. you think about how you won’t be able to wear dresses like this for a while and sigh.

“you okay?” he mumbles, hands letting your straps go to pull your hair behind your back, leaning down to trail kisses along your shoulder. the action is so caring, so soft and familiar you can feel the familiar tingle of emotion in your eyes.

the brush drops onto the table with a clatter and you stand, turning around to face him. there’s concern still brimming his eyes and you looking away for a moment to calm yourself.

“of course i am, baby,” the suit he’s wearing fits him perfectly and you let your eyes linger down his body before you meet his gaze again, hands rubbing the smooth fabric between your fingers. “you look amazing, as always.”

“not even half as amazing as you, princess,” his hands grip your waist and you feel a sickening twist of your stomach as you look up at him. this was so perfect, you and him, did you really want to change that dynamic? you had heard stories of couples falling out of love after having children and you weren’t sure you wanted to risk it anymore.

“i love you,” with your words, you let your face drop into his chest, closing your eyes as you listen to his heartbeat. you hear him sigh above you and you can tell he sees right through your mask but you’re grateful when he doesn’t push it further. a reply is whispered into your hair before a ringtone breaks you out of your embrace.

“it’s johnny, we should go.”

there’s a chandelier hanging over your head and the crystals glimmer onto the tablecloth in front of you. the soft glittering is calming and a stark contrast to how you feel inside. the look taeyong had shot you when you denied the expensive champagne from the waiter did nothing to soothe your nerves and as you sip your lemon water you question if this is really a good idea.

around you the conversations move too quickly for you to keep up with and you’re close to grateful when johnny turns to you. this is the first time you’ve seen him since you had spilled your biggest secret a few weeks ago, needing to tell someone about the positive pregnancy test. when you were plannnig the day, johnny had made you promsie to tell taeyong before the dinner, but as soon as you had met eyes in the enterance he knew you hadn’t.

it was your first oppurtunity to talk to him and you both keep smiles on your faces so the others around you won’t suspect anything. ��why haven’t you told him?”

“i got scared,” you take a sip of water in between your words, “every time i tried to give it to him i– i just couldn’t.”

“you’re a fucking idiot. you know he’ll notice eventually, right? that’s how pregnancy works, dumbass.” johnny teases, the polite grin covering his face is almost comical in comparison to his words. you laugh mockingly and nudge his arm too hard for it to be accidental.

“make fun of me one more time, and i’ll kick you in the shins.”

soon enough, johnny is pulled into a different conversation and you focus on eating your food and calming your heart rate. you vowed silently to yourself that no matter what happens, you’ll tell him before tomorrow morning.

in your daze, the dinner passes quickly and before you know it everyone around you is standing, pulling their coats and suit jackets over their shoulders. taeyong pulls your chair out for you and links his hand in yours as he bids farewell to group. as you’re leaving, you catch johnny’s eyes one last time and scowl at the way he raises his eyebrows expectantly, a sarcastic smirk painting his features.

the car ride home is silent, suffocating. taeyong sits in the passenger seat and watches you frown at the road in front of you, deciding to question you when you're not behind the wheel. the walk into your apartment is silent as well, the same confused expression consuming you as you make your way straight to your bedroom to rid your feet of the heels trapping them.

when you sigh for the umpteenth time in front of your dressing table mirror taeyong realises he's had enough. "what's wrong with you?" the words are firm but hold no malice. in the reflection you watch him run a hand through his hair, his eyes focused straight on you. it’s now or never, you think and reluctantly reach for the draw next to you, retrieving the little box with shaking hands.

when you place it in his lap, the face that looks up at you is nothing but confused. "you got me another present? i told you to keep this–"

"just open it," a nod in the direction of the box accompanies your words and your heartbeat leaps to your throat as you watch him untie the ribbon. fleetingly, you think about ripping it back out of his hands and hiding it again but by now, you want nothing more than to get this over with.

time seems to freeze as he picks up the little white stick out of the clouds of tissue paper. his fingers turn it around a few times before bringing it closer to his eyes. you're not sure why, the two pink lines are visible even from where you're standing. for a heart-stopping moment you think he's going to throw it away, but in an instant he's standing. his arms wrap around you tighter than you think they ever have and relief floods you like a dam breaking.

"is this real?" the whisper is soft and child-like in innocence, taeyong's wide eyes staring at you tenderly. the lump in your throat doesn't allow any words out and you can only nod in reply. the next embrace is longer, and sweeter. he hooks his hand under your head and cradle you to his chest, dropping his face to kiss the top of your head. being held like this does nothing to curb your emotions and the tears start falling before you can stop them. "we're gonna be parents?"

you nod and his lips are on yours in an instant, hands falling back to your waist to pull you into him. the kiss is tender and warm and it shows every emotion you’ve been trying to hide from him for so long. “you’re happy, right?” he asks when you haven’t said anything.

“i'm happy– don’t get me wrong, but i'm so scared, taeyong." the words make him frown down at you, the tears in his eyes making him appear so vulnerable. "what if we're bad parents–"

"hey, hey, hey," he whispers against your forehead, fingers rubbing soothing circles into your waist, "we can't think like that, i'm sure we'll be fine." there's nothing you can do except nod into his chest, exhausted after finally letting out your secret. "how long have you known?"

"a few weeks," you can't help but let out a teary laugh at the shock on his face when you pull away. "i wanted to tell you straight away, believe me i did, but i thought it would be a good surprise."

"that's impressive, i have to admit. i can't wait to tell everyone!"

"about that," you pause, knowing he probably won't like the fact johnny found out about your pregnancy before he did. "johnny already knows."

"you told johnny?" there's disbelief in his voice but you can tell he's not angry. "before me?"

"i'm sorry!" you laugh out, the pout on his face being anything except for funny to you now. "i needed to tell someone!"

"their first word better be daddy to make up for this."

[makorragal-312]

Void (Part Six)

We’re back, baby!

Allura sighed as she sat on her bed, exhausted from the events of the night. Lance had dropped her off at her room a few minutes ago, so she couldn't help but to lose herself within her thoughts. A small smile came to her face as she recounted the night she had with Lance's family. They were truly wonderful people and had effortlessly made her feel like she was apart of the family. She was reminded of her mother's kindness during her talks with Lance's mother. She was reminded of her father's quiet yet sensitive nature when she looked at Lance's father. She laughed when she conversed with Veronica, Marco and Rachel and immediately felt like a kid again when she watched Luis and Lisa watching over Nadia and Sylvio. To say that the kids were miniature versions of Lance was an understatement.

Speaking of Lance...

The Altean couldn't help but to think about the red paladin. She noticed the unusual shift in his behavior throughout the majority of the night. She noticed how confused and conflicted he looked at the dinner table while she wasn't looking. He seemed to have calmed down just a little while they walked in the park, though she could feel there was still some tension from his end. And it didn't help matters that way he acted when he dropped her off.

Lance, would you like to come inside?

U-uh, no thanks! I'd like to, but I gotta get me beauty rest, you know? We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow, so kinda need the energy!

Alright. So I'll-

Yup! See you in the morning! Good night, princess!

The princess furrowed her brows at the memory. She couldn't forget how fidgety and anxious he was to get out of there, like he was stuck in a mine field and was in fear of being blown to bits She knew that Lance didn't hate her, but she couldn't shake the feeling that he's starting to avoid her. Just as she thought that, she felt little feet climb up to her shoulder. Allura turned her head to find the mice, happy and eager to see her and squeaking in delight. She couldn't help but to smile.

"It's good to see you, too. Have you been behaving well?" she asked, grinning. Platt turned their head, looking at the door for a quick moment before turning their head back to Allura, asking about Lance's whereabouts.

"He left not too long ago. He came over just to drop me off." Chulatt quickly climbed atop of Platt's head, tilting their head in curiosity before squeaking.

"Oh, he's alright. And don't worry. he was the perfect gentleman." Allura responded with a chuckle. Soon enough, the mice lined up next to each other, heads on their paws and eyes wide in anticipation.

"You want to know how the date went, don't you?" Allura asked in exasperation, already knowing the answer. Sure enough, all four mice nodded their heads in excitement. The Altean let out a sigh before she began.

"Well, it was…nice. We had dinner at his house and I got to meet his family. They're very lovely people. So…close." Allura let out a sad smile, being reminded of her parents and Altea. She let a cough, trying not to dwell on the memory.

"Anyway, afterwards he took me to a nearby park. We talked for a bit and then he decided to take us back to get ready for tomorrow. That's pretty much everything." Allura finished. She watched as Chuchule climbed on top of Platt, puckering their lips and mimicking kiss sounds. Allura blushed in embarrassment.

"A-absolutely not!" she yelled. Allura quickly turned around, trying her best to hide her blush. She wasn't going to go ahead and feed into their teasing. She heard the mice squeak in glee, assuming that their princess was lying and did in fact kiss the red paladin. Frustrated, Allura turned her head back to them quickly.

"I'm telling you I didn't! Well, he didn't." Allura spoke softly. The mice stopped squeaking as they observed Allura, taking aback by her sudden somber expression. They all tilted their heads in confusion. The princess noticed the gestures and sighed before explaining.

"When we were talking, there was a moment where Lance was opening up. He said that he wanted to help me find a family. A home. Something inside me just told me that he meant it and he truly did care for me. He truly loved me. I tried to get closer to, you know. But he pulled away and kissed my hand instead. I guess I got the wrong idea." the Altean recounted.

Allura thought back to that moment in the park. Words couldn't describe how safe she felt in that moment with him. How her heart felt like it was going to beat itself right out of her chest. How grateful she was for him being there for her. So yeah, she really wanted to kiss her and given how he's felt for her all of this time, she just assumed that he wanted it, too. And he did, it just happened to be her hand and not her lips. She felt Plachu climb up her shoulder and nuzzle their head against her cheek in comfort, which Allura genuinely appreciated. For the third time that night, the princess sighed and plopped her chin into her hand as she slouched.

"I just wish I knew what happened. If I did something to make him change his mind, I at least want to apologize and make things right."

And that's when it hit her. She quickly sat up straight, face filled with anxiety and horror. The mice looked the same.

"Do you think it's because of Lotor?" she asked in fear. The mice looked at each other for a second before shrugging. That certainly doesn't help matters, she thought.

But the more she thought about it, she honestly wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. When Lotor came along, she had completely brushed Lance aside, aiming to focus on her alchemy and helping Lotor whatever the cause. And somewhere down the line, she started to fall for the prince, and he for her. And sure enough, she let him kiss her. She wanted to let him kiss her. And everything was great…until it wasn't. She was exposed to his true colors and his true motives and let him go. And it hurt, because she wanted to believe that he could never do such a thing. He would never go ahead and kill innocent Alteans. She let him onto her ship. She let him near her paladins. And what's worse, she let him near Lance. He warned her of his intentions, but she chose to stand by Lotor.

He thought he was going to betray them. She chose Lotor.

He thought he was after Voltron. She chose Lotor.

He was in love with her. She chose Lotor.

The guilt she felt was immeasurable. It was bad enough that Lance had to witness her getting close to Lotor. But she knew that if he ever found out about their kiss, it would destroy him. And the last thing Allura wanted to do was put him through any more pain.

"He can't know about this."

_______________________________________________________________________

"You know you don't have to stay here, right?"

"I know, but I'm doing it anyway. But don't worry I'll be on my way out soon enough." Keith walked towards Lance, whom was laying down on his bed. He was about to leave Lance's room a few minutes ago until the red paladin began suffering from a tear-induced migraine, so he decided to hang back and look after him until the migraine showed signs of passing. Hence why he was currently walking towards the blue-eyed man with an aspirin pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

"Ugh, who made post-cry migraines a thing?" Lance wailed, accepting the pill from Keith's hand. He sat up and popped it into his mouth before taking a huge gulp of the water.

"I don't think the person who was crying intended to get a migraine in the first place." Keith chuckled, walking to the kitchen counter and sitting on its corresponding stool. Lance swerved his head at him to give the half-Galran a scowl as the latter merely smirked. Lance let out a defeated sigh, knowing he wasn't going to win the argument and plopped back onto the bed. Eventually, the room went into silence.

"Hey, man. I'm sorry you had to see me like that." Lance said somberly.

'Lance, you don't need to apologize. You're going through conflicting emotions with Allura. Anybody would break down over that." Keith replied reassuringly. Lance kept his gaze to the ceiling. Even though he already somewhat broke down in front of him earlier, he refused to let him go back to that place again. He was also trying to get to sleep without his head feeling like it's been hit by a sledgehammer.

"Yeah, but-"

"Lance. You're human, You feel what you feel. Don't feel like you have to keep everything down while everyone else brings theirs up." Keith said firmly. He refused to have Lance feel ashamed for breaking down. He may not have been with the team all that time due to him being with the Blades, but he already felt that Lance was the one who was going through the most shit on the ship and would most likely keep it to himself as to not annoy anyone. And Keith would be damned if he had him act the same now that they're back home.

The red paladin was speechless. He didn't expect the leader of Voltron to say something so profound and comforting, especially to him. And in all honesty, he felt as though he had said the words that he had hoped someone had said to him back in the castle when the latter had left and he was left to his own emotional devices.

"I guess you're right." Lance sighed, signaling the return of the original silence that plagued the room. A good ten minutes drifted by before Keith spoke.

"Lance?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to ask one question, and you totally have the right to not answer. Just wanted to let you know." Lance finally turned his head at Keith, intrigued and nervous at the statement. He gazed at Keith, whom was looking back at him, grasping his hands together firmly.

"What is it?" Keith took a breath before he dropped the bomb.

"What are you scared of?"

Lance's eyes widened in surprise. He had almost forgotten that him being scared caused him to not kiss Allura, but he had no idea that Keith was still dwelling on it. He knew it came from a place of genuine concern, which he was grateful for. But he really wished that he had left it alone so that he didn't have to go through those waves of thoughts and emotion again. The thoughts of not doing the one thing he's wanted to do for ages. The feeling of confusion and sheer relief when he didn't go through with kissing the princess. The guilt he felt in going for a kiss with someone when he already had someone else on his mind. And more importantly, the weird longing of the purple eyes that made his chest tight and his heart skip. The same eyes he was looking into now. Hesitatingly, he looked away from Keith as he connected his eyes with the ceiling once more.

"Everything."

[southboundhq]

MEET HARLOW,

FULL NAME › Harlow Vulpecula Belle AGE › twenty two GENDER › Cis female (She/Her/Hers) FROM › Upper West Side, New York LODGING › Copper Cactus Motel PRIOR EMPLOYMENT › Ballet Dancer (Soloist) NOW PLAYING › ‘Non, je ne regrette rien’ by Edith Piaf

BIOGRAPHY,

trigger warnings: death, injury, mental illnesses, suicide / contemplation of suicide, substance abuse, implied abuse and emotional manipulation

The rise of the curtains meant the show is starting. When they fall for the last time, it means the show is over.

A life in four acts (and counting), one for each loss.

ACT I. BELLE

She was her mother’s daughter; the same laughter, the kindness, the eyes.

The gentleness of her mother’s touch, the honey of her voice. Her delicate fingers brushing through Harlow’s hair, the warmth radiating through every room in their small home, right in the heart of Paris. The smell of the evening wind. The sight of it all. Harlow, in her best dress, her legs swaying, as her mother took her to watch Swan Lake. The first time she had ever held onto something.

An angel loved and doted on.

Memories of her golden childhood, from a time she wishes had never ended. It was the only thing that Harlow Belle could do: cling to the innocence and the wonder that her mother blessed her with— even as her mother’s health quickly deteriorated. For they were things she could not understand; she had never known loss. A ghost in the night, taking away the color from her mother’s cheeks. Her mother whispering I love you, but it had sounded so much like Farewell. The man standing by the door the next morning, one she did not really know, but was familiar only because it was his face in her mother’s cherished photograph. He wept at her side and her mother ran her hand through his hair, planting a kiss on his head. His hand was warm, his voice gentle, leading Harlow away.

The universe had shown her paradise, and it burned it down infront of her.

You’re not coming with us? Harlow had asked.

Her mother smiled, I will be with you, my love.

But her mother never came, no matter how long Harlow waited. She was alone.

ACT II. LACY

She never really understood why her mother never came. Or why she had to leave. Was her mother dead? Did her mother not love her anymore? There wasn’t an answer that Harlow wanted to hear, so she simply never asked. Entangled in her own little world, where she blurred the lines between her reality and her memories.

On some days, it was as easy as breathing. It meant formally studying ballet. It was the white dress she wore on her father’s wedding day. It was listening to the affection in their voices as they spoke to her. As if she belonged. It was her hand on her stepmother’s belly, waiting for their unborn son to kick from the womb. It was a future where the ache left by her mother was the size of the pendant of Harlow’s dainty necklace.

It was easy, too, when she was twelve, one the eve of her first real performance.

You’re coming to watch, right? The excitement in her voice.

Her stepmother tucked hair behind her ear, Wouldn’t miss it.

It was the heartbreak and the fear, a distant memory replaying in her head. Harlow, watching the empty seats her parents couldn’t fill. The tears that followed, the apologies, the sobbing. The car accident that happened that night, claiming the lives of her stepmother and her unborn child. Her father, paralyzed, spending his days in a wheelchair and looking out into the window.

Sometimes, Harlow thinks he’s asking to be taken, too.

He did not look at her. He did not speak to her. Not that he could.

Harlow found herself alone again. And this time, it was her fault.

ACT III. PRIMA

Her grandmother, as she had learned, was an esteemed and respected Principal Dancer, known for her completely control over her body and the tantalizing performances she brought. She was eloquent, with a dignified walk, the air around her had always seemed so.. perfect. But Amanda Lacy, in Harlow’s experience, was a distorted mirror—her reflection was crooked, and every inch of her cruel.

The first time Amanda Lacy used violence on Harlow was a week after the accident. Harlow had refused to dance so adamantly, and she remembers the thunder and lightning that sounded as Amanda Lacy’s hand collided with her small face. It was my fault, Harlow would repeat her grandmother’s words, It’s because I didn’t want to dance. It’s because it was my fault that dad can’t dance anymore.

It was easy, too, to fall back inlove with ballet. Too easy.

Dancing as the sun rose in the morning, until late at night. Under fluorescent lights. Her body in full view. Drenched in sweat. The tears on her eyes as she pushed her body to its limit, to bend until she almost breaks. Almost. Until every muscle ached.

Until her grandmother was satisfied.

Harlow, who had loved ballet, grew afraid of it. It was a constant game of hide-and seek. A push and pull between her passion and her fear. Escaping. Craving. The chill that ran down her spine, the way her blood ran cold. Amanda Lacy would only ever call her “Prima”, followed by the ache of a wish that she would one day be worthy of being called such a name.

It meant drowning out the praises of strangers, growing blind to the eyes that landed on her, the expectations they had. The anxiety that drowned out the adrenaline brought by the stage lights and the music. The numbness. The collapse and the caving in. Attempting to put an end to it all. The doctors she had to meet with, who only ever gave her pills. though none of them ever really fixed her, a hollow porcelain doll. The slashes on her wrists.

More pills.

More, more, more, until she couldn’t count them anymore.

The empty seat she wished her father would fill, if somehow reality had been kinder to him. To them both.

At the age of twenty-one, Harlow had laced her shoes for a production of Swan Lake. It had been her dream, her turning point, her one last hope to be freed from her mother’s memory, of her grandmother’s presence. There she was, a mess of blood and tears, hunched over the sink, her consciousness fading, the strength leaving her body. Amanda Lacy stands by the door, though Harlow couldn’t gather enough of her thoughts to think about how she had gotten in. There is a look of anger and disgust as she pulls at Harlow’s clothes, her palm coming down on her face in a hard slap.

Compose yourself and dance, Prima. Do not embarrass me. Words, stone-cold.

Stellar form. Control. Grace. Precision. An expressive, electrifying performance. One could not look away.

Harlow Lacy, the prodigy.

IV. HARLOW

The smell of his cigarette followed Harlow even hours after they had parted. The mischief in his smile. His hand, taking Harlow’s own. His fist colliding with a stranger’s jaw, the one who touched her. The way they made a run for it after that. The kisses they stole from each other. The skies when she and the other lost kids snuck into the city pool, the way it painted everything purple. The kisses they gave back.

He called her Prima, too, but it did not carry venom when it left his lips. She should know, he had always tasted sweet for her.

Harlow was fifteen when she met him. The childish trouble they would get themselves into, she and all the other kids who she learned was just like her, the hungry and the desperate.To numb the ache, or to take away the numbing.

Over the next few years, Harlow would have gotten herself through all sorts of troubles. Disappearing for days without so much as a word. She had learned that Amanda Lacy did not really care about her whereabouts, just that she was able to deliver a performance. Harlow made sure to make full use of this knowledge. She would end up coming back, anyway.

It didn’t matter to her at twenty-two, when she put all of her belongings into suitcases and a backpack, and a suitcase filled with all of the money she had made from dancing, and every transaction in the backwaters, everything she could steal from her own family, and all of the money her mother had put in her name (which, Harlow had learned, was a lot).

Her pointe shoes. The necklace her mother gave her. Photographs. Memories. Saying goodbye to her father, though he did not really answer. Even though he may still despise Harlow, she knew he would understand. An apology. And then another. Lying with a straight face, every alibi and every answer perfectly crafted. Pulling all of her strings and sneaking out in the dead of night to find herself on a flight from New York to California, then driving to Las Vegas.

Or anywhere, really.

Anywhere was fine.

She would end up coming back, anyway.

She had been hung-over when she drove into Boot Hill, going straight to a motel to sleep off the exhaustion, stay for a few days, then head back on the road. But there was something endearing about Boot Hill that Harlow couldn’t pinpoint. The way it was everything she never thought she wanted, a remote place where Amanda Lacy would never even imagine her to hide in. Where she was not haunted, seemingly plucked off from the grasps of her grandmother. The poison that dripped from every word that left her mouth. The sharp pain on her body as it collided with the wooden cane. The bruises. The ache.

But right now there is only Harlow, and her three-legged pug, Poppy.

Occasionally, she watches the town’s sign and the open road ahead, thinking she’ll have to go soon. She’ll have to come back sooner or later. She cannot keep running away.

Then there is the heaviness.

I’ll leave tomorrow, she says, but tomorrow never really comes.

❝ i wonder what’s in store if i don’t love it anymore; stuck between the having-it-all and giving-it-up. ❞

CENSUS,

FACECLAIM › Zendaya Coleman AUTHOR › Fey

[writingsbyshay67ss]

Possible Mistake

Characters: Sam x Reader

Summery: You and Sam had been dating a while and he had tried to work things out with you over and over but he couldn’t help wonder if you ever wanted to be with him which ended up turning into a fight, and it ends up with you breaking up with him.

Warnings: Heartache. Fighting. Tears. Cursing.

Beta: @pocketsizedsamwinchester

—>

Dean let you use baby for a case while he was getting over the flu. You and Sam went out on a lead Dean had found but the two of you had gotten into a real rough argument and you had enough. You don’t know why you did what you just did to him but you couldn’t come up with anything else to help. You guys have had chances going on with your relationship but neither of you knew if had gotten this bad. Your depression and anxiety have hit high records the past few months and had no control over your emotions. It was like your body was breaking down and your mind was screaming for a way out. You couldn’t take the pain anymore or the constant reminder that you were never going to be able to look into a mirror without wanting to put it not being able to look at yourself. The car ride was quiet as usual but Sam had enough of the distance and needed to understand why but you couldn’t explain well enough for him to truly understand.

Sam- “Y/N?”

Reader- “Yeah?”

Sam- “What’s wrong?”

Reader- “What do you mean?”

Sam- “You’ve not been yourself for months and every time I try to ask you or try to get you to open up yo–you just lock down and it’s almost as if you just shut completely down.”

Reader- “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sam- “See! You do this every time I just want you to talk to me dammit!”

Reader- “This is personal. The way I am is because of a million reason I can’t explain to you Sam.”

Sam- “Well you need to explain something because this right here is unbearable.”

Reader- “Are you serious right now? I never question your actions or why you leave me out of things. You have secrets Sam I know you do! I never question you!”

Sam- “This is different Y/N these are your emotions and it’s always affecting us in the negative way. It’s getting so bad that we don’t even sleep in the same bed or even in the same room. I go to one room you go to the other, whether we’re studying for a case or just relaxing. We don’t kiss or hold hands. I miss you. Damn it Y/N I miss us.”

Reader- “You seriously want to know what my problem is?”

Sam- “I want to know what is going on with you yes. I care deeply about you.”

Reader- “Fine but you wanted this. Sam I hate everything about me. I hate my hair, my lips, my body, my personality, my depression, the anxiety, the way I walk, I just hate that I am alive. I go around saving people and I think that this is my way of changing who I am but in my eyes this is just a way of keeping myself going on. I don’t want to live. There isn’t anything anyone can do to help me Sammy heaven knows I’ve tried. I want this to end, I want my life to end. You deserve someone who is happy and who enjoys life and everything it has to offer. I’m nothing and God will tell you that. I grew up in this shitty ass life hunting the very things that parents tell to their children to get them to eat their food and behave. I hate that when I wake up every day hoping that this is the day I will let it get me. I hate feeling like there is no hope for me. You and Dean push on me that everything will be okay when it’s clearly not. You guys always say you’re there for me but yet why do I feel like I am so alone? Huh Sam? Why do I want to just push people away from me? Why am I this person?” Tears streaming down your cheeks trying to get all the words out.

Sam- “Y/N, I had no idea you felt that way. I’m so sorry but everything will be okay please stop crying, I promise I will–”

Reader- “What Sam what will you do? There’s nothing you can do! God why do I even bother trying to explain this to you.” You pull the Impala over to the side of the road and continue with tears pouring from your eyes like waterfalls.

Reader- “I can’t do this anymore Sam I’ve tried everything. I even went to Crowley even he couldn’t do anything! These pieces of me and the pieces of you just don’t fit together like they use to. I can’t stop thinking that I am the reason for all the blood on my hands from hunts gone wrong. It was never my intention to hurt you. I don’t regret any of this time we’ve spent together and I think so highly of you. I just can’t do this anymore Sam. You may be thinking this isn’t fair to you and you’d be right, this isn’t fair to you. I’m so very sorry. You will never understand me or what I have been through. You have every right to hate me. I love you I do but I need to be away from this. All of this.”

Sam- “You honestly feel like this? Why the hell would you feel like this Y/N. We give you everything. I give you everything. I give you my clothes, my love, my respect, my appreciation. You need help and we can find it for you. Depression is hell. Cass and Dean have been there for you and I since the beginning. When you needed someone of needed help who’s been there for you? We have. You don’t have to hide or run away from us or yourself Y/N you’re beautiful. When you love someone you sacrifice things for them no matter the time, place, or situation. This was all so unexpected from you. Your paranoia is all in your head. I just want to make you happy. I love you.” His eyes filled with shallow streams ready to fall any moment.

Reader- “Just stop!! I can’t do this. My mind is foggy I’m so confused and this world is so cruel. This world doesn’t need me, it would rather see me in a ditch or worse. I don’t need someone shoving pills down my throat to keep me under control. I need to get away and that isn’t with you. Don’t you know i’m not good for you? Once we’ve said our goodbyes just let me go.”

Sam- “Don’t do this.” Sam’s face shocked at the words coming out of your mouth. 

Reader- “There’s no point to waste the blame, I should have known fresh dirt won’t wash old stains away Sam. In my psychotic self-defense I’m just wasting energy fighting with you about what you can’t see. I don’t know about tomorrow but tonight I’ve got to take the leave. I’ve got to let you and everyone go. Just let it be!” You wipe the tears from your face kiss his cheek and say, “Goodbye.”

You step out of the car and start walking away but Sam wasn’t having any of that. He gets out and chases after you. Tears streaming down your face again as it began to rain.

Sam- “Don’t do this. I need you. You took my heart along time ago and you can’t just throw it on the ground and forget about it. You can’t forget about everything we’ve all been through. Cass and Dean won’t allow this.”

Reader- “Allow this? This is on me. Everything I am doing is from my own free will. Dean and Cass will have to just understand.”

Sam- “What like I’m supposed to?! Well I’m sorry I don’t understand. I don’t want to go into this life without you.”

Reader- “You don’t have a choice. I’m leaving and I don’t need anything to take with me. I want to start a new life. I want away from all this. I can’t take this pain anymore. If I go somewhere with a new name and new back story and a new state and city maybe I can finally end it all. All the pain that this life brings to me. If not i’ll end it another way.”

Sam- “Just come home we will get through this together as a family.”

Reader- “What family Sam you guys are all bad for each other! We are all in a toxic waste bin. How many times do we have to give up our life to help someone else? How many times do you and Dean have to die because you jumped in front of someone else fate? How much more do we have to sacrifice Sam? Because I can’t do it anymore. I’m out I’m done. I hate you, I hate Dean and I hate Cass! I hate it all!”

Sam- “You don’t hate us. Your reflecting and I understan–”

Reader- “Then understand this and don't follow me this time. Don't look for me or have someone keeping an eye on me.”

You turn around and walk away. Sam being hurt by the words you had just said he froze in place until you had disappeared from his sight. Once you were gone he realized he should have stopped you but he also knew you needed time and that you didn’t mean any of the things you had told him. 

Sam- “She’ll be back. She always comes back. She has to.”

[aliensforleaders]

Tell Me Again Tomorrow: Part 2

Pairing: Rami Malek x Female Reader

Summary: The reader lives in LA and her friend Alisha begs her to go to a party for the weekend at the beach. She really doesn’t want to go, but Alisha convinces her and she meets a captivating man.

Warnings: some swearing and so much fluff ugh he’s so sweet.

A/N: Okay so I’m gaining confidence with this series. Also I have never actually been to the place that is mentioned at the end (no spoilers) but I went on the website and did my best. If you want to read part one I’m tagging this as (tell me again tomorrow fic) because I have no idea how to link it lmao..Enjoy!

I woke up the next morning feeling more energized than usual. It took a second for me to remember Rami, but only a second. A smile spread across my face as I rubbed my eyes. I rolled over in the big fluffy white bed I had all to myself and saw that Alisha’s head was partially hanging off the bed. She must have had the spins last night. She was very drunk when I found her and passed out before her head hit the pillow, literally.

I grabbed my phone on the side table. 7:43 AM and one text message. It was from an unknown number, but I knew who it was.

Rami: hey it’s Rami from yesterday. I know it’s super early but I woke up thinking about you and idk maybe we could get breakfast?

I smiled so big and threw my phone down on my chest, trying to refrain from squealing. I loved that he was up early and already thinking about me. We were too enveloped in each other to drink too much last night, so we escaped the hangover that seemed to wash over the whole hotel.

You: oh yes I remember. I would love to get breakfast with you:) just have to get ready…and check if Alisha is still breathing lol

I jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom to start getting ready. As I brushed my teeth I let my mind wander. I wonder what Rami sounds like in the morning. Or what he looks like when he brushes his teeth. Or what he thought of when he thought of me this morning. But then I stopped myself and pushed those thoughts away. I pushed them away because this is what I did before I started dating my ex. This is what I do.

The second I meet someone that I really like my mind goes crazy and if I let it go far enough I start visualizing what our wedding would be like on the second date. I don’t love many, but I love few too easily and very deeply. It’s dangerous and the reason I alienate myself from everything. I tell myself I’m enjoying the single life, but it’s really just me putting myself in a prison. But now’s not the time for those thoughts, so I put them back in their folder and save it for later when I can’t sleep at 3am and no one is relying on me functioning.

I’m almost finished getting ready when my phone buzzes.

Rami: great! maybe not for Alisha tho. I can pick you up at 9? we can go to that diner across the street if you'd like?

You: sounds perfect! 9 works for me

Rami: okay cool:)

I walked back into the room Alisha and I shared and started to get dressed.

“Uhhhhh fuck my life..” I heard a loud groan from under the pile of blankets on the other bed.

Alisha had woken up and from what it sounds like, gotten hit by a bus.

I grabbed a glass from the dresser and filled it with water from the bathroom sink. She was so lucky I had to carry migraine pills with me all the time. I walked over to her bed and pulled back the covers.

“Well hey there gorgeous!” I said in a chipper, sarcastic voice.

“Shhhhh jeeeesus why are you yelling?” she whisper screamed at me. 

“Oh it’s because I love you. Here take this and drink some water. Give that poor liver a break will ya.”

She sat up, brushing the hair from her face and downing the pills.

“Whoa why are you so done up this early?” she raised her eyebrows.

“I uh met a guy last night sort of..” I trailed off grabbing a shirt from my bag and pulling it over my head.

“Oooo and you slept here last night? Are you crazy? Hasn’t it been like a year since you got some dick?”

“Always so eloquent.” I mumbled while pulling up my jeans.

“He must be something a little extra then huh?” 

“Yeah I mean, we just talked for a long time and he listened. You know really listened. You know how I am with that.”

“Well I’m glad you had a good time yesterday. I was worried you were going to sulk by the bar all night.” she smiled lazily and then fell back into the pillows, closing her eyes. I rolled my eyes at her comment. 

“Oh and would you please do yourself a favor and hop on that? You are wound way too tight for a weekend beach party.” 

I hurled a pillow at her, “I’ll show you wound too tight.”

“No! Show him!” we both laugh hard. I really loved moments like this with her.

I had just finished putting my shoes on when my phone buzzed again. That must be Rami. I walked over to the now sleeping Alisha and kissed her forehead, leaving two more pills on the side table for when she woke up next. I left, shutting the door quietly.

———

Rami pulled up minutes after I came out of the hotel doors. He got out and walked around the car to open the door for me. He looked different than last night. He wore jeans and a fitted t-shirt with a bomber jacket. He looked comfortable and casual and it was so cute.

“Good morning, dear!” he said sweetly. I can’t remember the last time someone called me dear, but I am not complaining.

“Morning!” I smiled at him and climbed into the passenger seat.

He drove us to the diner, and when we walked in the smell of pancakes and bacon filled my nose and made my stomach growl with hunger. The server seated us at a booth in the corner next to a window. She gave us menus and left.

“So did Alisha survive the night?” he asked jokingly.

I looked up from the menu and laughed, “Oh yeah just barely. She woke up just long enough to give me shit and then go back to sleep.”

“Give you shit about?” he inquired, doing that thing with his mouth that I found incredibly endearing.

“Just about yesterday. You know…and you.” I cleared my throat and looked back at my menu, knowing damn well where this conversation was going.

Rami put down his menu and folded his arms on the table, leaning forward a little. I wasn’t looking at him, but I could feel the grin on his face.

“Oh? Why would she do that?”

There was no way to get out of this subject, so better just get it out of the way.

“Well I mean, I don’t exactly meet people all the time.” I put down my menu and sat back against the booth. 

“Oh come on. I don’t know if I believe that.” he said, biting his lip.

“It’s true. I put blinders on and I go to work and come home and that’s that.”

“Well I get that. I get stuck in that all the time with what I do. But you mean no one ever tries to ask you out ever?”

“Nope. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with how I carry myself, but it really doesn’t bother me. I’d rather not go through the motions with people.” I shrugged.

The waitress came over to pour us some coffee and take our orders. I proceeded to pour nearly all the creamer in my coffee. 

“So you’ve been hurt.” Rami stated, clearly not forgetting the conversation.

I sighed. “Hasn’t everyone?”

He sensed my feelings toward the subject. “Hey I’m sorry if this is too heavy for Saturday morning breakfast with a strange guy you just met.” That lovely smile returned and warmed me up again.

“No it’s okay. I just don’t ever get to talk about this. Alisha is usually there for everything and witnesses it so I don’t have to tell her, and well she’s sort of all I got.” 

“Well you can talk with me about anything you want. You fascinate me.” he sipped his coffee, gazing off in the distance.

“How could I be fascinating?” I ask watching his every move.

“How could you not? I don’t know it’s so many things. The way you talk about things. The way that you basically put me in my place when I approached you yesterday.” I laughed. I did didn’t I? “When you are listening to me talk you chew the inside of your cheek. I don’t know it’s just you. I want to know everything about you.”

I blushed and grabbed for my coffee. No one finds me fascinating. Well I guess that’s not true now though is it?

We ate our food and talked. I told him the story about me and Alisha riding our bikes around on the weekend when we were kids. How she fell and broke her arm so I put her on my bike and took her home as she sat on the handle bars and cried. I got to sign the cast first.

He told me about the time when him and his brother Sami put on a concert in the living room for their parents when they were 6 years old. He told me that he insisted on being the lead singer and how Sami always let him have the spotlight.

You both finished up and Rami took the bill. “Hey do you um, and you can totally say no, but do you want to spend the day with me?” he asked shyly.

I smiled and grabbed his hand as we left the diner. “I would love to, Rami.”

———

We got into Rami’s car and got on the highway. I wasn’t quite sure what the plan was, and usually that would make me uneasy, but the mixture of the warm sun on my skin, the wind blowing through my hair, Duran Duran coming through the stereo, and this gorgeous man that I’d somehow stumbled upon sitting next to me made uneasiness seem impossible.

“Are you wondering where we are going yet?” he asked somewhat mischievously, glancing over at me. He had this way of always looking like he was up to something. It was captivating.

“I don’t mind where we go or what we do.” I beamed.

A few minutes later we pulled up to the Grammy Museum. My mouth dropped open. I look at him, suddenly filled with uncontrollable excitement.

“Are you serious?! Do you know how long I’ve wanted to come here?” I began looking out all the windows. All I could feel was the uncontrollable urge to jump out of the car and run inside, but I kept my composure because I didn’t want to scare him off with my hyper fixations.

I hadn’t quite expressed to Rami my love for music, but I guess he was going to learn today. Ever since I moved to this city I have wanted to come here, but there was always work or anxiety or sleep deprivation. But here I am. 

“I didn’t realize this was such a big thing for you, but now I’m glad I chose this one. Well come on let’s go see it all.” he said quickly. We got out of the car and I grabbed his hand pulling him along inside.

Rami’s POV

I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so excited to be somewhere than her right now. She grabbed my hand as soon as we got out of the car. My heart skipped as I watched her scan the whole place head to toe as we walked in the entrance.

We walked through and came to the Songwriters Hall of Fame first. She would gasp and squeal at the things that caught her eye. If she knew about a particular thing she would go off on a tangent telling me every detail of what she knew. The spark I saw in her when she talked about it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I can’t imagine ever tiring of it.

At the Music Epicenters exhibit she showed me how music jumped from Muddy Waters and Chuck Berry to Elvis and The Rolling Stones. She explained how each section influenced the next and it was fascinating. 

We skipped through the museum like children in Disneyland and I honestly couldn’t remember the last time anyone made me feel like this. She made me let everything go and just hold on to this moment we were sharing. She was incredible. Where has she been all these years?

Your POV

We finished looking through every bit of the museum and it was an amazing experience. At times I worried I was talking too much, but when I’d quiet down Rami would ask me a question. He was the only person who made me feel this comfortable talking about what I loved. He never rolled his eyes, never sighed in boredom. He would smile as I’d explain things and watch me intently with those beautiful eyes that I couldn’t escape.

We decided to go for a walk around a few blocks.

“You really enjoyed that then?” he asked, reaching for my hand which began to feel normal.

“I did. Very much, Rami, thank you for that. And for listening to me ramble.” I giggled.

“Well no need to thank me I loved every second of it.” he grinned and nudged my side.

I took a deep breath and let it out closing my eyes for a moment as we walked.

“You know I almost didn’t come here this weekend.”

“Oh yeah? Why did you decide on it.” he questioned.

“I couldn’t tell you. I just felt like I wanted something to change in my life and doing something I wouldn’t normally do might be a good first step.”

We stopped and sat on the bench along the path we had been walking.

“I want to see you again. I mean after this weekend. I don’t want to continue with real life unless I know you’ll be with me. I mean that is if you want to be with me, of course. I would never force you.” he took both my hands in his and looked into my eyes, hopefully.

I began to tear up a little and I saw his smile turn into worry. I wiped the tear away quickly, trying to hide it but knowing it was too late.

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-“ I cut him off before he could blame himself for anything.

“No, no please don’t apologize. You’ve given me the best day I’ve had in a very long time. I promise I’m not crying because of you it’s just-“

He brought his hand to my cheek and wiped a tear away with his thumb.

“God that’s unfair..” he trailed off, a soft smile forming.

“W-what’s unfair?” I asked confused.

“How gorgeous you are when you cry.” he said sadly.

I giggled, which then turned into a laugh, which turned into me grabbing my sides laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe for a moment.

I looked up at him now looking slightly confused but in an amusing way.

“Oh come here.” I said softly, grabbing either side of his face and pulling our mouths together. It was a sweet, warm, but passionate kiss. His lips felt amazing against mine, and I’d almost forgot the feeling. I broke the kiss and leaned back slightly. His eyes stayed closed for a moment as if to savor it and then they opened as beautiful and gleaming as ever.

“A lot has happened in my past. We can talk about it another day, I promise. Just be patient with me.” I reassured him.

He nodded indicating that he understood. He brought his hand up to brush some hair out of my eyes studying my face lovingly.

“Oh and just because you told me to say this today, you are absolutely stunning.” he laughed and pulled me into his side.

[imakemyownworld]

When The Party’s Over pt.2

Part One

This is longish.

It is only a second part and Im setting some foundations for the fic therefore there’s not much of Ethan here but more of my (Bellas) struggles and relationship with Lucas. Somewhere in the middle of this I realised it was half biographical. I always had the strong urge to write about my own life and experiences as I never talk about them (as Bella) irl. I promise the next part will be all about E. :)

Also, if you do read this, please give me some critiques. I know it’s not nearly perfect and I would love to get some feedback. I just recently made this tumblr after being a fan of Gray and E for a good while now and I’m so happy I did. All the people I see here seem so genuinely interesting, funny, creative and nice. Thank you ! xx

Exactly one week has passed since I last saw Ethan. He sent me some messages but I didn't reply, I knew he was busy making a video and that he is going home tomorrow to visit his family for Thanksgiving. My family group chat was going crazy though. My sister who is living in Europe couldn’t book a flight and I wasn't replying to any messages. I just couldn't find the strength to do so, so I figured I'll just show up tomorrow morning, get through the weekend and come back.

I spent the rest of the day studying and scrolling through every possible social network then went to sleep ignoring every text I got.

I'm there in an hour. Xx I texted the group chat as I sat down in my car and turned the engine on. I skimmed through other messages. Ethan was complaining about something Grayson did and Ivy had boy issues. Did I want to see a text from Lucas? Sure, but I never expected one. It's Thanksgiving and everyone is with their families.

I met Lucas two years ago at a film festival in Los Angeles. I was there because I love cinema and Ethan managed to get me some tickets and Lucas was studying film at university near by. At that time I was probably at worst with my depression and anxiety as I just started taking classes at my university. He asked Ivy and me if we wanted to go to the after party and we didn't think twice about it. I never thought I would be someone who does drugs, I was always strongly against it. But he made it seem so normal. He was handsome, to me. He was skinny and every shirt was too big for him. Later I realised those shirts were fine before, but he lost weight. Still, there was something about him. He was mysterious, he loved photography and he talked about movies non stop. He acted cool but I could tell how passionate he is about things he loves. Both of us had something dark in us but neither one of us wanted to talk about it and we understood that about each other. From the moment we met and our friends started hanging out each other everybody already thought we were together. We would tease each other all the time while dancing and hanging around but since we were both kind of distant when sober we were scared to do anything about it. All until one night he kissed me. He kissed me like it was something we do all the time, but it wasn't. He didn't acknowledge it the next day and I remember freaking out about it with Ivy. Next time I saw him it took me every singe atom of bravery in my body to ask him about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I called him and we separated from our friend group, we walked along the beach in Venice on a chilly summer night.

“Do you remember that we kissed?” I asked him in the middle of his sentence. He froze for a bit and then he made the grimace I couldn't decipher. 

“No” he said quietly “When?” he was looking at me and I could tell that he felt horrible. I tried to look as if I don't care and I was ready to brush it off.

“At the club, last weekend. It’s fine, I just wanted to clear that up. I wasn’t sure if you didn't want to acknowledge it or just don’t remember” I turned around to get back to where our friends were.

“Stop” he took my hand and I felt relief “Im really sorry. You know how I am, I go overboard sometimes and I do things...” he stopped talking. Do things he usually wouldn't? If so, I didnt want to hear about it. I pulled my hand from him.

“...do things I would usually be scared of doing” he said almost painfully. Knowing him today, I know how hard that must have been for him. After that things started heating up between us two. We were never together, we knew that would never work out as we couldn’t communicate normally when sober. But we silently cared about each other, even though we never said it out loud.

At that festival after party we were dancing when he handed me half of the pill and kissed my cheek. I looked at it for a while then looked at him. He was dancing and smiling, seemed so carefree. If someone told me a month ago I would be holding that in my hand I wouldn’t believe them. Even then it looked so wrong in my hand. And then I took it and it was the best night of my life.

We kept on partying like that every other weekend. We didn’t know much about each other but we also knew everything. We would take something then hook up and sleep for what seemed like hours, or minutes. Sometimes I was so out of it I didnt know if I was dreaming or not. We shared those times together, he was the only one I wasn’t ashamed to be around like this. He understood.

My dad opened the door for me and we hugged.

“Hello beautiful”

“Hi dad” he smelled like mom's cooking. I did miss them. “Smells nice in here”

“I feel like there's enough for the whole neighborhood”

I got in and the table was already set up. My mom hugged me and instantly started talking about my sister. How sad she is that she isn't here. I said something back quickly and sat down.

My parents were an unusual kind. They always had my back and supported me through everything as far as school and university go. But I was always the one who had to be home by midnight or not go out at all. I had to lie that I was having a sleepover so that I could go out and have fun with my friends. My mom still believes I never tried alcohol in my whole  life and Im twenty. We were also never the kind of family that talked a lot about feelings and things going on outside of school. I could never talk about boyfriends with my mom or fights I had with my friends. This caused bottling a lot of emotions through my whole life. Ethan had to beg me to talk with him to find out why I was miserable at times. He was the one person I would actually tell what was going on. I never got along with my sister either, we were just two very different people and I always thought: If I met her randomly I would never want to be her friend. Seems harsh, but she was selfish and stubborn, always only looking out for herself and not giving a fuck if she was hurting someone else in the process.

Lunch was actually amazing, my mom made my favorite meals. They crashed on the sofa soon after and started watching some terrible movie and I went to check in my old room.

I must have fallen asleep while watching youtube because it was dark when I opened my eyes. I came down to the living room and heard mom and dad talking in the backyard. I took my moms phone to check the time.

I miss you. It said. William.

My head felt blank for a second. I quickly turned the phone back off.

William was my moms ex boss. I sat down and my head started spinning around. I combined the pluses and minuses, filled in the blanks. Things started making sense. My mom became very sensitive to anyone touching her phone a while back. Before, she never cared about it. I gathered strength and opened the message. It was the only one in the conversation, everything else was wiped clean. I quickly marked it as unread and put the phone back. Fuck.Is my mom cheating on my dad? My head started spinning even more. Poor dad. Should I tell anyone? I can’t tell anyone we can’t even say I miss you to each other let alone Are you having an affair? My poor dad loves mom with all his heart, he does everything for her and she was never truly in love with him. My sister and I realised since we were teenagers that mom acts cold with dad. She doesn’t like it when dad shows her any kind of affection.

“There you are!” mom barged in and I almost jumped in my seat. “You okay? Mike and I were just talking about going for a walk, you’re coming too”

“Ugh, I just woke up” I wasn’t sure I’m mentally ready for that walk.

“Exactly, you need to stretch”

The whole walk I was thinking about my mom. The time when I thought my mom was always in the right was long gone, but this was on a whole new level. How can I take her seriously ever again? She lost all the credibility. How can she pretend to be happy with my dad? If I told him about this it would ruin him. If I told her...Nothing seems like the right option. I don’t want my family to fall apart. We are a bit dysfunctional, but this seems like a scene from a movie and I cant take it. I had to get out of there.

When we got home mom brought us pie and turned on the TV.

“Guys, I’m sorry but I need to get back today. I have a seminar to write” I was nitpicking the pie on my plate.

“Write it here?” dad proposed and it seemd like a reasonable idea “You can take my laptop”

“Yeah but I don’t have my books. Sorry. I might come by next weekend if Emma books that ticket” I smiled at them. It was so natural for me to act like this around them. I was hiding things from them my whole life.

My mom argued with me for a while but she soon realised my mind was set. When the movie finished I took some clothes from my old closet and said goodbye to them. I felt so sorry for my dad, I hugged him tightly and he even said I love you to my ear. I haven’t heard that sentence in months.

I dialed Lucas’s number while driving down the highway.

“Hey danger” he answered almost immediately.

“Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. What are you up to?” I tried to seem chill but my voice was almost cracking.

“Uh, not much. Classic Thanksgiving laying around”

“You up for a sesh?” I was always afraid of him declining me which is why I was rarely the the one to ask him stuff like this.

“What, now? What’s wrong?” he asked that in the most monotone voice but I knew it meant a lot coming from him.

“Lucas.” I sighed and my voice broke down at the end of his name. He was silent for a moment.

“Pick me up. Im sending you the location”

I felt relieved. We haven’t hung out alone in a while and I missed it. I needed an hour to get to him, he was at his parents place. The house was actually very pretty. I know his parents are divorced and his mom remarried, he doesn’t talk about them much but I get the feeling she is worried about him and he doesn’t like that. And now I’m dragging him out on a Thanksgiving weekend. Suddenly I felt even more terrible.

Lucas sat in the car and I was just looking through the windshield.

“Bro, what happened?” he took the aux cord and connected his phone.

“I just realised I dragged you out and you were with your family and it’s Thanksgiving.”

“Yes. Because I love spending quality time with my perfect family. Come on, there’s not a lot of dealers working on Thanksgiving you know that?” Soundtrack 2 my life started playing through the speakers. He loved that song and it made me depressed. After that, he never once asked what had happened, he knew better and I appreciated it.

“Dealers? I have everything in my flat”

“Not this” he smiled devilishly to me and typed in the address in his phone.

“So in one hour you managed to find the guy? Seems to me like you were just waiting for my call. What are we taking?” I was driving down his neighborhood. We were the only people on the street.

“Been waiting on this for a while. You’ll see”

The address wasn’t that far away. I parked and he left, came back two minutes later.

“Church?”

Church was the most trashy techno club in the area, it was a dump but it was always open and the atmosphere was always great.

We parked near the club and started drinking rum that he brought from his place. I was doing my makeup with the help from his flashlight and my front camera. I took the cropped top from the back of the car and put it on. I felt wrong to be happy at this moment but I was. I was with him and I knew we were going to have fun.

“You gonna tell me what it is now? You know I’m not doing heroin or anything like that”

“Jesus. Of course not” he pulled the baggy out of his pocket. “Ketamine”

I had zero clue what that is. Everything I knew about drugs came from Lucas.

“You’ll see later.” he says and I can’t believe I have so much trust in him to just get on with it but at this moment I don’t care. He takes out a pill from his pocket and breaks it in half.

“You have a whole pharmacy out there” I say and swallow the pill.

“Shut up” he laughs. We are both pretty tipsy by now as we start walking to the club. I pay for the entrance and we’re finally there. This is where I felt at home. How weird is that? The lasers, lights, annoyingly loud house music. The music I could never listen to sober, it drives me insane.

I opened my eyes to see Lucas sleeping next to me, sun was shining through closed curtains. I fell asleep again and I dreamt about last night. Dancing, kissing Lucas and him kissing me. I dreamt that I woke up and walked around the apartment. I showered. Was that a dream? I was asleep again. It was nighttime. Lucas and I were rolling around the bed desperate for each other, desperate to feel something, anything.

It was night when I finally definitely woke up. I checked the time on my bedside table. It was 3am on Sunday. Lucas was sitting on the window next to the bed smoking.

“Hi” I wanted to say but all I said was a weak I

“Morning” he turned his head to face me “Magnesium next to your bed. Drink it”

I took the glass from the bed table and wasted a good three minutes to take two sips. Lucas was looking at me the whole time with a massive grin on his face.

“I need to shower”

“You showered three hours ago” he said and I looked at him confused.

“So I wasn’t dreaming?”

He shook his head.

“Did we have sex? Like, in those three hours?” I asked not looking at him.

“What? No. Did you dream about that?” He threw the cigarette in the ashtray and went under the covers. I just looked at him and he smiled again.

“When did we get home?”

“Around 7AM. We slept through the whole Saturday. As far as I remember” he removed all of my hair from my face and made a bun out of it.

“I don’t even want to know what I look like”

“Do you remember the night out?” he prompted himself on the elbow to face me.

“I don’t know. We were dancing?”

“You..” he stopped and lied back down “I didn’t want to give you any more, of anything, because you had too much” coming from Lucas this meant something because I’m usually the one to stop him from going too far “So you just disappeared and..”

“What?” I hated not remembering anything.

“I dont know. You took something and you came back after ten minutes totally out of it. We stayed for and hour after that because you didn’t want to leave. After that I got us in an uber and we came here.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Look, something obviously happened during the weekend, I won't ask but you should know better than take something from strangers. You scared me” he glanced at me. I remembered the moment. I was acting like a brat. It must’ve looked ridiculous. I left him and found some girls snorting something in the bathroom. We talked for a while, I think one of them was coming on to me. I said that I was here with a friend but he didn’t want to give me anything so they offered. I had no idea what it was. What was I thinking?

“Im stupid” I told him about what happened “Im sorry. I found out that my mom is having an affair. But, I also suspected that for a while now. My mind was spiraling and I guess I overdid it”

We were quiet for a few moments.

“I’m sorry” he turned to face me and we stared at each other for a while.

“Is it bad that I love the high so much that I’m not at all regretting any of this? It’s the only time I feel happy”

“I don’t know” he answered “If you think I’ll reason you, you asked the wrong guy. I’m in the same spot” we both smiled, but his eyes were filled with sadness. I wonder if mine were too? We would only talk like this high. Our sober conversations didn’t exist, they were empty and meaningless. We hid behind walls that would come down every once in a while, and I cherished those moments. I kissed him softly and fell asleep in his arms soon after

I woke up at noon, Lucas was still sleeping and Im pretty sure he was missing a class, as I was. I wondered if he stayed because he wanted to or because he was taking care of me. I rarely got to see the sensitive side of him that I longed for. I would try and push his buttons sometimes asking him ridiculously touchy-feely questions and he would just laugh it off and tell me to shut up. But I saw in his eyes that he wanted to tell me things but didnt know how to. I knew for a fact that he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents ether, they didn’t speak about things and even if they wanted to I can’t imagine Lucas opening up to anyone, especially his parents.

I remembered almost all of last night. Lucas wasn’t having fun, he was mostly looking after me. I was usually the one giving him water, asking him if he was fine because he would look like a zombie. Sometimes I would only go out because I was scared that no one would be taking care of him. When we started hanging out we were both fairly knew to all of this but I could see how fascinated he was with all of it. I was too. My world went from black and white to technicolor. My, usually, messed up head that was overthinking everything and anything felt blank. It was just living in the moment, swaying on the dancefloor with the people you love.

But seeing him at his worst was painful to watch. It wasn't fun anymore, it made me see the dark side of things. When the high wears off you feel ten times more depressed and ten times more eager to go to the next party, and then the next one. Until your life just becomes waiting. Waiting to get high and drunk and feel things.

Realizing that made me never want to do drugs again, but that would last a couple of days. What scared me was that I knew that even after last night, when Lucas saw me at my probably lowest, he would never think about leaving it. It was captivating, appealing to him. It didn't scare him at all.

I was taking a shower when he knocked at my door.

"Bell, you have a visitor. I’m going out okay?" I soon heard a door swing shut. A visitor? I had come up with at least ten people who would come here after me not looking at my phone for three days straight and I was scared to see every single one of them. God, I hope it wasn’t Ethan meeting Lucas.

I dressed and got out of the bathroom to see Emily standing behind my kitchen counter. She wouldn't even be on the list of fifty people to come here. What was Ethans girlfriend doing in my apartment? And why didnt I clean up a bit?

[coughupmoney]

Dead On Arrival

Awakening to a sharp pain in your chest is scary, but also it’s really really funny. It was funny even at the time. I had started my first antidepressant about a month before this incident; Viibryd. I hate to say that I love doing drugs but I love doing drugs.

When I was diagnosed with depression, Viibryd had just hit the antidepressant scene, a new drug that would dramatically decrease the latency period before the antidepressant would take effect. The day I was prescribed, I was told the effects would be immediate. As soon as I took the drug, I didn’t even feel happy--I felt balanced. It wasn’t an “upper”: a perky, pleasure pill. It was a secret ingredient that provided my brain with some homeostasis. As immediate as the effects were, so were the adverse effects; but that is the trial by fire you face when you relinquish yourself to the world of pharmaceuticals.

The stability I was finally feeling was wonderful, but was it worth the cost of waking up everyday at four in the morning with a searing pain in your chest? I’ll tell you two truths: one, that this deliciously, delectable drug exacerbated my anxiety and two, I secretly enjoyed waking up everyday at four A.M because it was something I could count on. I’ve always been comforted by stability even if it came in the form of torment. All I craved was some structure. However, the pain started to worry me.

At the time I hadn’t recognized that this searing pain was an anxiety attack. That diagnosis came later, in the hospital. Day after day, I awoke in pain, my hypochondria sighing in sorrow. For the sear, for the burn, for the meeting of tomorrow. Every attack was greeted with overwhelming fear. Fear that I was dying. That I was having a heart attack. I went to sleep thinking that every night would be my last. Eventually, after I had let this fear build up in my chest, the fear overwhelmed me. So naturally, I turned it loose on my parents. I allowed my screams and cries to fall upon their sleeping ears. I desperately knocked on their bedroom door.

I hear muffled voices and footsteps creaking on the hardwood floor. “What’s wrong?” Father answers through a crack of the door. I’m not sure how to explain the pain that I’m in.

“My chest hurts.” I say, with efforts of sincerity. My fear is that my plea will be disregarded. Luckily, I was first held at the will of my overbearing Father.

For him, my plea was an immediate call to action. “Do you want to go to a hospital?” He responded. “I think I have to.” I said. Here’s where the water works start. How pathetic. I mean at this point, couldn’t you have just quietly driven yourself to the ER? Here we go, become a burden on all those forced to love you.

Father and I were panicked, quickly collecting ourselves and carrying our urgent vessels into the vehicle. Mother, on the other hand, was at ease. What a fucking bitch. She slowly made her way out of bed and into the shower. While she soaked herself in relaxing hot water, I waited in the car clutching my chest. Like, way to make me feel like shit, I’m sitting in this musky-ass car possibly having a heart attack and here you are taking your sweet time probably awaiting my possible death. She took her time, drying her hair, putting her face on, and adorning herself in a beautiful outfit. I was clearly no cause for her concern. Not like I’ve ever been...are you kidding? She finally made her way out of the house and into the passenger side of the car. Fuckin’ bitch. As soon as her door shut, Father hit the road and said nothing. How could he just sit there and say nothing to her while she treats me like nothing?

The closest hospital was only 10 minutes away. The ride halted at a red stop light. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I would assume if anyone gave a fuck about me they would have flown through that stupid stop light to get me some proper medical care. On the outside I was cold, stern, and stoic. WHY HE WASN’T RUNNING THE FUCKING RED LIGHT? It was five in morning, there was no other car in sight. The silence was broken by my Father who needed my Mother’s permission to run the light. Of course she made us wait. For a moment I couldn’t believe it. Until I could. It made so much sense. No ticket was worth the potential danger my life was in to this woman.

When I had finally realized that, I laughed my fucking head off. In the car, my explosion of laughter was grounds for mental insanity. My Mother questioned the validity of my pain-of course-but I just couldn’t stop laughing even as I clutched onto my chest. The pain had not subsided, even when the light turned green, even when we had made our way into the emergency room. The pain remained, but the irony was not lost on me. It was truly funny to me. This was the first time I had the full realization that I meant nothing to her. I meant absolutely nothing. I had also seen my Father for the coward his is. I realized that there was no one that could protect me from this environment and at that point all I could do was laugh. My laughter was rooted in disbelief, even though I had an entire lifetime of evidence that convinced me that this experience was completely plausible. I found this cognitive dissonance hilarious.

I guess with some introspection I realized that the alternative reactions wouldn’t have served me well. This is difficult to describe to people. Like, how am I going to tell you that depression and anxiety has been the worst challenge of my life? That it has given me insurmountable pain, and yet it has saved my life on multiple occasions? I revere mental illness as the miracle reaper of life. It has challenged every molecule of my being to give into death, yet has allowed me to navigate traumatic situations with ease because, of course, with anxiety, I expected all this to happen anyway.  

The rest of the trip wasn’t as eventful. The first course of action included attaching stickers onto my chest to monitor my heart’s rhythms. I remember two things about this scene; I had to take off my shirt, and I was afraid. What does it say about me that I was more concerned with the fact that I would be taking me shirt off rather than being concerned with the probable cause of my lurid chest pain? The technician was sweet. Tasty even, his skin looked soft and I wanted to touch it. From what I remember, I had made it clear to him that I was uncomfortable. I fear that I secretly wanted his pity. I realized that this would be the first time I was going to take my shirt off in front of a man. Honestly, it was hard to not be a little turned on.  I had spent about two years trying to avoid this moment and here my life was depending on it. I took off the white cotton sweatshirt I had fallen asleep in. Sexy right? I laid myself down on the thin, noisy paper availed upon the hospital bed bust. Pieces of my skin stuck to the leather peeking from beneath the tissue.

I knew this was standard procedure, I knew he did this everyday to all sorts of people. It still felt intimate for me. He and I made eye contact while he slowly stuck cold plastic stickers all over my chest. It made me embarrassed. I was a little wet. I was self conscience about my body. He assured me that I was doing great. The technician had no idea that I was slightly turned on and that’s okay with me. But honestly I thought we had a connection. He turned to me and showed me my heart monitor. The technician said that my results were normal. Normal heart rate, regular rhythm and if I remember correctly, he said I had a beautiful heart rhythm. What did I tell you? He loved me.

After we had ruled out that I was in fact not having a heart attack, we moved on to see if there was any damage to my upper body organs. I walked with another technician to get a chest x-ray. For this I had to change into a fabulous white hospital gown that showed off the spine line that led to my glorious plush pyjama pants. This technician was different. He was more personable. He left the room while I changed and when he stepped back in, he lifted my chart from the box above the door. I studied his face as he read my chart. I was looking for hints and tone. How was he going to address me? When he finally looked up at me, he smiled and asked, “How are you liking Viibryd?”

I was surprised but I responded slyly, “It’s pretty immediate actually, I’ve heard that other antidepressants can take up to six months to take effect.” When two people with mental illnesses get into a room together, there's an immediate sense of comradery. As long as someone is brave enough to out themselves first, the bond of emotional strife, taking drugs, and going to therapy is pretty immediate.

“I’ve been taking Zoloft for a while now”, he added.

“How long have you been depressed?” I asked. I was really hoping he’d say “Not very long! It was a temporary thing for me.” That was not the answer I received, of course.

He told me he had been depressed his entire life. That’s it. That’s always it. No one ever just does a stint with depression, it’s always a life sentence. A struggle that starts but never ends. At least, not until you end. He went on to tell met that it’s been an ongoing struggle for him and that he’s only recently been properly medicated. This is another thing that bothers me. Anytime you talk to someone struggling with depression They suffer for so long before they seek treatment. I am curious to know whether this is a folly on culture and institution or just a hazard of the illness.

He interrupted my thought, he had to ask me some health related questions before we did the chest x-ray. The technician jotted down some quick information about my age and medications I was taking. He also shyly asked if there was any way I could be pregnant. I said, “There’s no possible way.”

He responded “You’re not practicing huh?” I quickly wanted to change the subject but instead replied with a stern “no”. I don’t know why I was embarrassed to be a virgin. Maybe I was just embarrassed, about being a virgin and about my body. Two singularities existing in the multiplex of life. Whatever. He lead me to the machine. He placed a heavy lead cover on my chest. I knew this was to protect me from ray scatter.

“Just like the dentist” I joked. He told me that he was going to step into the small boxy closet in the corner of the room to take a few pictures. I stood still. I never thought anything could be wrong with my chest organs, yet my hypochondria sense was tingling. He left to take the pictures. It was painless. When he came back, I wanted to probe him with questions. “So is my chest okay?” My organs? My lungs? Was I slowly but surely dying? Was this the end of life as I knew it?

He spoke casually, “Only the doctor can really tell you that, I only take pictures.”

“That doesn’t help me.” I said.

He turned to me, not as a technician but as a person, and said, “I really think you’re fine.” I smiled and nodded. That is honestly all I’ve ever wanted anyone to say.

He walked me back to a regular hospital room to wait to speak with the doctor. I sat on the bed while both my parents sat in chairs in the corner of the room looking at their phones. Eventually, Father looked up at me, the gleam of screen still in his eyes, and asked how it went. I replied “It was fine”, so that he could get back to his phone.

Soon after, the ER Doctor knocked on the door and walked in. She looked at me hopefully. I feel like a sigh, like deflated air. She was carrying my chart, she flipped a few pages and said that my heart and lungs looked perfectly healthy. She deduced that my chest pain was an adverse effect of my new antidepressant and should subside over time. Of course at this point, Mother chimed in to say “I told you, antidepressants are bad for you.”

The ER Doctor responded, “Actually these symptoms are common while the body acclimates to the new drug.”

I’m not sure if Mother listened to one word that came out of the doctor’s mouth, she only replied, “I just believe that they’re bad.”

The doctor wasn’t sure how to respond. She told me that she was going to give me some Klonopin and beta blockers to subdue the anxiety. I took them both before we left. Within 30 minutes, my chest pain subsided. I felt lightheaded in the best way possible. We walked out of the ER and I listened to my parents talk as I slid back into the car. The only thing Mother had to say to Father about the experience was, “I can’t wait to see how much that bill will be, she shouldn’t even take antidepressants.” And maybe I would’ve cared, if I wasn’t so fucking high.

[canaryatlaw]

alright. it’s 9 pm here. I’m obviously trying to get to bed early since I have to wake up at 5:30 am and go take the fucking bar exam. Predictably, I’m a ball of nerves right now. But I’ll be fine, I always am. I’m good at tests, it’s easy for me to recall information, and though essays always give me anxiety initially once I get there and start writing them I actually like them, and tomorrow is all essays. 10 of them total. 1 where they give you a whole packet including law in the jurisdiction and write your analysis totally from that, which will probably be the best one for me. Then there are 3 Illinois specific essays and 6 multistate essays. it’s a lot. but anyway, today. I did get up when my alarm went off at 10 because I didn’t want to sleep in too long and not be able to fall asleep tonight. I had decided I would skip showering this morning and shower tonight so I wouldn’t have to shower tomorrow morning, but upon waking up I found I really wanted to shower, so I did, and now it’s night and I really want to shower again lol but I won’t and I’ll do it after I get back tomorrow. So, woke up, showered, made oatmeal which only resulted in one kitchen disaster (I was trying to get the brown sugar to go into the pot a little at a time but then it shifted and all of my brown sugar was now liquified in my pot, so that was fun) and was looking on my computer for stuff when I saw an email from the health insurance company that does our prescriptions, upon which I remembered oh fuck, I need to call my doctors office like today and get this figured out. Basically, I was at the doctor like two weeks ago, and they gave me the prescriptions, which I mailed onto the health insurance company I referenced above, but they haven’t sent me the meds yet, and I’m running out of one of them, and I was set to run out Wednesday afternoon, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that until like, Wednesday evening, so I needed to call my doctor’s office and ask them to call in an emergency supply for like two days, and like, I love my psychiatrist so much he’s great and I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but god I have his receptionist staff so much. Whenever I call for anything it turns into such a production, at least this time they didn’t tell me he can’t call in prescriptions to Illinois like he does every time I call, but they had me call the insurance company to find out when the meds would get to me so they could then give me enough of the meds, and the insurance company people said it’s set to come on Wednesday in the mail but like if that didn’t happen I would’ve been screwed so they called in like 2 days emergency supply of it but I don’t actually take it at the dosage he prescribes so I have more than 2 days worth lol but I don’t expect to need to use them, I’m just glad I’m covered. but yeah, I did other things around the house and started getting ready for a bit, then took an uber to target that was somehow like $2 because of some promotion they were running, and grabbed the prescription plus some candy because I needed candy to bring with me here. I have pretzels and potato chips, various candies, granola bars, and these microwave muffin things that has the dry mix in a little cup and you add water and microwave it and it’s like this awesome chocolate muffin, which are super good except you have to be really careful to get all of the mix wet or at the bottom it gets grainy and really gross but otherwise it’s good lol. I also have some of the Starbucks via refresher packs that I’m gonna add to a water bottle tonight and stick it in the fridge so it’ll be good to go in the morning because that’s my method of getting caffeine, which will obviously be much needed. I ubered back from target but it took forever to get to me which was obnoxious, but oh well. I continued getting ready and eventually didn’t have much else to do, so I just kinda hung out for a bit. The school bar people told us not to study today because we wouldn’t remember anything anyway, but like, I know that’s not true for me lol so I did a little. The hotel didn’t have check in till 4 so I was basically just killing time at this point. When we eventually got there I got yet another uber, but I put it on pool and nobody ended up joining so I only paid $10 for the same ride I would’ve had to pay $24 for (#winning). The hotel is kinda small, but it’s nice, the bigger hotel that’s actually at one of the test sites (not the one I got assigned to regardless) but all their rooms were booked because I had to book late since we didn’t know which bar I was taking for like, fucking ever. But yeah, I checked in, easy enough, came upstairs and settled in a bit, figured out how to get the wifi to work and turned on the tv then subsequently broke the tv and had to figure out how to make it work again. I ordered pizza from the same chain place I normally get it from except this was different and I didn’t really like it very much, idk what the difference was but it just wasn’t doing it for me, plus my tongue was being really obnoxiously sensitive so I really couldn’t eat anything other than like, the crust, so that was also irritating. But I sat here on my computer and looked over the mini-outline book (and by mini I mean some of them are like 70 pages). It’s funny to look over the secured transactions material, because at the end of the semester I already had the bar books and used them to study because they had a comprehensive summary of everything I needed to learn, I actually printed one and brought it with me to the test (which was open book, obviously) and it was very helpful and I somehow got an A- in that class that I had no idea what was going on in for a solid 5/6ths of the semester, and when I listened to that lecture yesterday I retained a good amount of it, so I was happy about that. But I went through the ancillary subject outlines that were generally more like 20 pages, so much more manageable, and made sure I had all my mnemonics down, including the one for the hearsay exceptions which is like, 20 letters long lol. I then did go over the Illinois distinction section for the main subjects, because if I get an essay on one of those in the Illinois part I obviously have to answer under Illinois law. I watched the office on comedy central while doing all of this because I couldn’t find the channel guide and the office is always a solid choice. It’s funny to see Ellie Kemper as Erin because she looks so little there as compared to how she is on Kimmy Schmidt now. but those were very entertaining. So I got to the end of the outlines, turned off the tv, took my pills so there would be a little time for the more sleep causing ones to kick in, then started writing this, and now here we are. I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything going on tomorrow. I know I’m smart, that’s never been in question, I’m just worried I didn’t spend enough time preparing and I feel ill-equipped, because it’s just so much information....like you could get a question on the lesson from one day of class, for all of your classes, for three years. it’s a massive amount of information. I’ve also been acutely aware of just how alone I am. My brother never moved out, so he was with my parents every step of the way through this, but I chose to stay out here and do it myself because that’s always been who I am, the independent one who can’t wait to get out into the world. And I’m here, but it gets lonely some times, especially being that I’m super-extroverted so not being around people for this whole studying period was not doing well for me (one of many reasons I was all to eager to get ice cream whenever Jess wanted to). Even now, it’s just me here. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a hotel room completely by myself before, except for that awful night when I got stranded overnight in Philadelphia and had to go to that awful creepy hotel where I didn’t sleep a wink, just stayed up reading, because I did not feel safe at all (and I was only 19) but obviously this is a very different situation. And I mean, I am more or less a proper adult now, I’m 26, which feels like ages older than 25, because now I’m in my late 20s, and I don’t know how I feel about all of that. I mean, these are all choices I made, and they’re not ones I regret, not at this point at least. It would’ve been nice to have someone here with me, but I made the decision to leave those people in New York and come out here and do it myself, and I am doing it. I want my legal career to be about the things I did, the prestige I brought to my name, not following in the shadows of my dad and brother, I want that name to be known for me and what I’ve done, what I will do. And I know I can do it. Got all the way through law school, this is just one more hurdle I gotta jump over before I can actually be a full blown lawyer. I don’t know if my parents are gonna come for the swearing in, it hasn’t come up yet, I mean it would be nice to have them there just because I would feel very, very lonely if I was all by myself surrounded by people who had their families there with them.....because they didn’t move halfway across the country from their families. Sigh, I know I’m rambling at this point. Just a lot on my mind. But tomorrow I’m going to wake up confident and ready to crush this test, because I know I can do it, I KNOW I can, and I will, and I’m going to be a total kickass lawyer who is instrumental in instituting reforms in the child welfare system that will increase adoptions, decrease foster kids getting bounced between homes, better prevent kids from being brought into foster care when it is preventable by providing parents with the right resources, better support to keep foster teens in high school and bridge them into college (the college rate for foster care kids is something dismal like 2%, not even exaggerating), decrease the number of children in residential facilities who do not really need to be there, increase the number of foster homes nationwide, provide resources for the teenage mothers in the system so they don’t end up having their child taken from them and continue perpetuating the cycle, and so many more, I could go on all day about all the things I’m going to change. And I’m going to do it. I know I can, so I will. 

Just you wait. 

Goodnight babes. If you want to send prayers/good vibes/whatever my way for tomorrow, it’d be much appreciated. Thank you. ❤️

[nerdierholler]

When @apoloniaa asked for reluctant bed sharing, the first thing that came to my mind for my Shepard, Marie, was on the sad and angsty side so I wrote the fluff first. This is the much less fluffy fill.

Background: Marie develops a drinking problem at the beginning of ME2. Post Horizon, Dr. Chakwas and Garrus lead the intervention. This takes place shortly after that when Chakwas and Garrus are alternating keeping Shepard company in the evenings, her hardest time of day. It’s Garrus’ turn the night before they go to Ilium. Pre-Shakarian when they are still just very close friends.

Insecurities

Tomorrow they would go to Illium and look for the assassin. Tomorrow she would go back to being The Commander Shepard, not that it was ever possible to really stop. She would be a hero and a villain, a curiosity, an opportunity, a ghost brought back from the dead. She wanted a drink. Or five.

Instead she got up, carefully ignoring the spot where Garrus sat on the couch, and went to the bathroom. She grabbed a glass and filled it from the sink, drinking it in just a few gulps, then filled and drained it again.

“Shepard?” Garrus called from the the across the room, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

If she repeated the lie to herself enough, maybe eventually it would be true. She turned the tap on again, letting the cold water run for a moment before putting her hands under it. She ran them down her face and through her hair. The coolness gave her something to focus on, air from the vent blowing against her damp skin, the flush she felt on her cheeks slowly fading.

She could do this. She’d been a more than capable soldier and commander for years. It was just another assignment. She might hate her boss, but this needed to be done. Stopping the Collectors was the right thing to do and she was the only one who could do it. So much depending on her, as always. Failure was not an option. But what if… what if she couldn’t do it this time? What if she wasn’t the same person who was the Hero of Elysium?

“Marie?”

Shepard jumped at Garrus’ voice. He was standing in the bathroom doorway, watching her. She’d been so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard him get up. Her hands were gripping the sides of the sink, knuckles white, arms trembling. She took in a deep breath and tried to relax, loosening her grip but still holding on.

Taking in another breath, she tried to fight the tightness forming in her chest, worried she might burst into tears. Garrus had seen her worse than this, drunk and rambling, but for some reason, she didn’t want him to see her cry. He wouldn’t judge her or think less of her, but she still felt like she would be letting him down somehow.

Garrus stared at her patiently, not pushing or prodding, just waiting for her to collect herself. Turian expressions could be hard to read, but there was no mistaking the sadness and concern in his eyes.

“Maybe I should go lay down,” she said finally.

He stepped aside to let her pass then followed her past the fish tank and into the main room. “Do you want anything?”

Dr. Chakwas had prescribed a few things to help Shepard with her anxiety, or to sleep, but stubborn as ever, she refused to take them unless she had to. After Mindoir, there had been doctors who gave her the same kinds of drugs and she could still remember the stupor they left her in. Had it really been for her benefit, or had it been just another way to sweep her under a rug while colonial affairs did damage control on their image? She trusted Dr. Chakwas though, and she knew this was different, but Shepard still hated the way they made her feel.

“I…,” she frowned, squeezing her eyes shut, “I might need something to help me sleep if I’m going to be of any use tomorrow.”

“Sure thing.”

She heard Garrus go back to the bathroom, the sound of a cabinet opening, a bottle rattling, the tap running. A few moments later he was back with a single pill and glass of water.

“Thanks,” she said, taking them from him.

Garrus sat on the bed beside her, “Do you want to talk?”

Shepard thought for a moment, then shook her head, “I don’t think so. Maybe later.”

They sat there, together, for a long time, each lost in their own thoughts, occasionally broken by the sound of the fish tank bubbling or one of them shifting their weight on the bed. Slowly the sleeping pill began to kick in and Shepard’s head and limbs started to feel heavy. She leaned against Garrus for support, still fighting the urge to sleep.

Out of his armor and in regular clothes, Garrus was full of hard surfaces and sharp angles, but the firm muscles of his upper arm were comfortable enough for the moment. Shepard could feel him look down at her, but he didn’t say anything or otherwise move. The steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed lulled Shepard further to sleep until she slumped forward, Garrus catching her before she fell off the bed.

He helped her straighten up, a large hand still resting on her arm, “I think this battle’s lost, Mare. Time for bed.”

“I know,” she sighed.

They both stood and Shepard began to pull back the covers and climb beneath them. Garrus started to turn out the lights as he made his way to the door, but with each one, an uneasiness grew inside Shepard. Even in this state, the old fears and worries would work their way back, giving her strange dreams and nightmares.

“Wait, don’t go.”

Garrus, was at the door, only the glow from the tank illuminating the room. “What is it?”

“Just, don’t go. Stay.” She swallowed, trying to choke back the shakiness to her voice, “Please.”

“Alright.” Garrus’ silhouette moved back into the room, “I’ll be right here on the couch.”

Shepard thought back to the moments just before, her mind untroubled as they sat together. She’d never been good at letting people get close, but she couldn’t deny the comfort she felt at the physical contact. Her mind flashed back to being a little girl on Mindoir and getting scared by the storms. She’d run to her parents room and sleep between them until the worst was over.

“Garrus, would you mind, that is…” This was ridiculous, she was a grown woman, she should be able to sleep on her own. “Would you sleep here with me?” The words came out of her mouth as a sudden impulse. Her brain overriding the part that wanted to be cold and logical.

There was silence in the room and Shepard began to wonder if she’d offended him somehow. All she could see was his outline and the soft blue glow from his visor.

“In your bed?” Garrus cleared his throat, “With you?”

There was no mistaking the uncertainty in his voice and Shepard realized how strange the proposition must have sounded to him.

“Yes, but not like that,” she was speaking quickly now, “just as friends.” Another long silence followed before Shepard finally spoke again, her voice soft and quiet this time, “I just don’t want to be alone.”

“Okay.” Garrus started the cross the room, to the other side of the bed, “I can understand that.”

Shepard felt the covers move and the bed shift as Garrus laid down. He stayed on his side, letting her control the space between them. In the dark, a small hand came to rest on his forearm, just below his wrist.

“Thanks,” Shepard mumbled and a few moments later she was sound asleep.

Watching her in the dark, her face finally peaceful and untroubled, Garrus whispered, “You’re welcome.”

[uptown-cloud]

Unforgettable (Eremin) Youngsters

~Armin POV~ I was 5 years old when the day came. A new family with one kid my age moved in across from me. The father of the family, Grisha Jäger, wanted to speak to my parents so he could acquaint with the neighborhood. That was when I saw him. A boy with brown hair and green eyes wearing a red scarf that blew flawlessly with his hair in the wind, leaning against a wall, kicking the dirt below him. We made eye contact just as my parents pushed me back into the house. I looked at him and waved with a faint smile. He did the same back at me just before I lost sight of him. (I haven't seen him around here before. Maybe I could talk to him.) I looked back at him through the window. Dr. Jäger led him into his house as well. I rarely saw him after that, but when I did, he was either telling other people to leave him alone, or the neighborhood bullies were nearby. I finally got my chance to talk to him about two years after he moved in when we were 7. He was walking along the path alone, his scarf blowing flawlessly in the wind like it always did. I ran over to him and grabbed his shoulder. "H-hey! Heh heh..." I said. "Uh... Hi." He replied. My hand slid down to his bicep which was surprisingly tough. "Y-you're the doctor's son, r-right?" "Er... Yeah, I am." "W-well, I'm Armin." I said holding out my other hand for a handshake. "Eren." He replied and shook my hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said. "Likewise." He replied. I then realized that my hand was still on his arm and pulled away. "So... Where are you headed to?" "Nowhere really. Just going for a walk." "Would you mind if I joined you?" I asked. "You know... I'd enjoy the company." He said with a small smile. I smiled back. "Thanks. I don't really have anything else to do." "No problem." He said with a slightly bigger smile. (Strange... Just a minute ago, he looked kinda out of it, but now he seems happy.) I thought. "So... I see you wear that scarf a lot." "Oh, this? My mom made it for me the Christmas just before we moved here." "It looks good on you." I completed. The smallest amount of blush came to his face. "Thanks." He said. "Do you have any siblings?" He asked. "No. I'm an only child." "I don't have any either." He said. "How do you deal with the loneliness?" "Eh... I spend most of my free time reading. If I'm not reading, I'm running from bullies." "Why do they bully you?" "I guess I seem vulnerable." I said and slumped my shoulders. "Hey Armin." Eren said, grabbing my shoulders and turning me to face him. "Next time they try to intimidate you, I swear I will kick their ass so hard, they won't know what hit them." I chuckled. "Thanks. That's good to-" "EREN! TIME FOR YOUR CHORES!" Eren's mom called out to him. He grunted. "I gotta go." "Oh... Okay." "But we'll meet up tomorrow okay?" "Yeah. That sounds good." "I'll see you later Armin!" He said and waved. "Bye Eren!" I said and waved back.* *(A/N: I know this isn't how they actually meet, but this was based off a dream I had, and that dream is really the only reason why I started writing this.) • • • • ~Armin POV~ A few weeks passed. We spent the majority of every day together and learning more about each other. He dreamed about joining the Survey Corps. I told him about my fascination with the world beyond the walls, but he didn't see the passion I truly had for it. Again, we were planning on seeing each other in the morning one day, but I was having trouble finding him. "Eren? Eren!" I called. (Where the heck is he?) I turned a corner bumping into one of the neighborhood bullies. One of them stopped me in my tracks. "Where do you think you're going?" He yanked my sleeve to make me face them. My heart beat hard against my chest. Hard enough to feel it without my hand being over it. "I-I'm sorry!!" I said in a panic. One of them had a stick in his right hand. It had a many small and sharp branches growing out of the tip. Seeing that only made my heart race faster. (Come on, Armin. You haven't had an attack in years. You're not going to have one now.) I looked up at their faces. Their eyes had a bright red tint to them. "What the hell?! Are you guys high?" They didn't respond. They only got closer to me. (Come on, Armin. You're fine. You're going to be fine.) As my breathing shortened, I pulled out my medication from my pocket. (I can manage without water.) I opened the bottle and one of them hit my hand with the stick. I dropped the bottle and held my bleeding hand. "God damn it! No!!" All the pills spilled everywhere on the ground. My eyes darted back to their faces. (No... Not now... We haven't seen the world... I haven't told him yet...) ~Eren POV~ "Come on! Come on!" I told myself as I raced down the alleyways to get to Armin. I grabbed him and pulled him out of sight. He gasped for air when we stopped. "Are you okay?" I asked. "I-I... I-I...!" He wheezed. His legs shook as they tried to hold his weight. I slowly lowered him to the ground. I felt for his heartbeat. His heart felt like it was ready to burst out of his chest. Still wheezing, I grabbed one of his hands and brushed his hair out of his face. "Hey... It's okay." He tried to slow down his breathing. I pulled him into a hug. "It's all right..." I whispered. I felt his heart again. It had slowed back down to normal speed. "You okay?" I asked. "Y-yeah... I uh... think I dropped something back there though." I took his hand and led him back to where he was attacked. I checked to make sure there wasn't anyone around. The bullies had left. There was an empty prescription bottle on the ground with white dust surrounding the opening. He sighed and put the bottle in his pocket, sitting back onto the ground. "I'll have to get more later." I sat down next to him on the ground. "Do you have asthma or something? You were wheezing a lot." I asked. "Uh... No. It's... Anxiety." He said. (It gets that bad?) "I get random panic attacks here and there. When I was 4, I had one that got really bad. I nearly passed out from hyperventilation. After that happened, I was given these pills. I only take them if a panic attack gets really bad." He said. "I-I'm sorry..." "It's okay. It rarely happens." He said. "How did you find me?" "I heard you shouting, and it really caught my attention 'cuz you cursed." "Oh... I don't do that very often do I." "Well, we should patch up your hand before it gets infected. My dad should be able to do that." I said. I helped him off the ground. Still holding his hand, I took him to my dad. ~Armin POV~ Pulling me into his house, he led me to his dad. "Dad, Armin scraped his hand. He's bleeding." He said. "Okay. Let me take a look." Dr. Jäger got up from his desk and Eren led me over to the bed and sat down. I showed him my bleeding hand. "How did this happen?" He asked. "My hand slipped while climbing a tree." I lied. "Well, I can get this patched up in no time. Eren, why don't you bring our guest a glass of water." He replied. I then realized Eren was holding my hand the entire time once he let go of it. I stared at him as he left the room. Why was he holding my hand? My attention shot back to my hand when he rubbed Neosporin over my cuts. "Um... Dr. Jäger. I think there might be a splitter stuck in there." I said. He took a closer look and saw what I was talking about. He grabbed some tweezers and fixed his glasses. "I need you to hold still, okay?" He said. I nodded my head and let him do his job. In total, he found four splitters in my hand. He again rubbed Neosporin on my hand and bandaged it up. "There. It should be fully healed in a couple of days." "Thanks." I said. Eren then came back with the glass of water he was asked to get me. He handed me the water. "Thanks." I said again and took a sip. "Anything else you need?" Dr. Jäger asked me. "Actually, can I bother you about something? I need a refill of this medication." I gave him my empty bottle. "You take these for panic attacks?" He asked. I nodded my head. "I would recommend dissolving tablets instead of these." "Would you know where to get that?" I asked. "Well, I'd have to talk to your parents first before giving that to you. In the meantime, if you wish to go, you may leave, but I have a recipe I'm working on." "I think I'll stay for a little while longer." I replied. "We could hang out in my room." Eren offered. "Ok." Eren grabbed my hand again and led me to his room. We sat down on the bed, our hands still clasped together. I took another sip of the water and put the glass on his nightstand. "How are you feeling?" He asked. "I'm doing better." "I'm sorry I couldn't do more. Is there anything I can do to help?" "You don't have to." I squeezed his hand and rested my head on his shoulder. "You already are." I said. He seemed shocked by the sudden action, but relaxed and rested his head on mine. I shifted closer to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. He did the same. We just sat there, and nothing happened in between, but I felt something I had never felt before. For once in my life, I felt safe. My heartbeat started to race, but I wasn't scared. His body temperature rose and he held me closer. That feeling, I wanted it to last... Forever. • • • • ~Eren POV~ A year passed. Armin looked like his anxiety was starting fade. The neighborhood bullies also showed up less often than before. But things in my household weren't as easygoing as before. I never saw my dad because of all the recipes he's working on, and I fought a lot with my mom. I also got a new sister, Mikasa, who we took in after her parents died. The only problem is she was complaining about the cold and since she watched 5 people get killed in one day, I thought it was only considerate to give her my scarf, but now she won't give it back. I fought with her as well. Arguments sometimes got so bad, I ran outside and didn't come back until nightfall. On those occasions, I would often go for a walk or stare at the sky until Armin found me. One time, after a fight with Mikasa, I sat outside waiting for Armin to find me. It didn't take long for my mood to shift back to neutral. Armin came at me shouting my name. "Eren!!" "What is it, Armin?" "My grandpa was hiding this. It's a book about the outside world." "The outside world?! That stuff is illegal! The Military Police will arrest you!" He dropped down to my level, his eyes bright and his smile wide. He looked really happy. I liked seeing him like that. "Who cares?! There's a huge body of salt water so deep you can't reach the bottom! It's called the 'ocean'!" "That can't be. Salt costs a fortune. The merchants would take it all." Despite the mood he was putting me in, I denied what he said. "It's too big to take it all!" "No way!" "...There's more!" He opened up the book. There were photos of huge beautiful landscapes and notes about what they were. "Flaming Earth! Frozen Earth! Trees as far as the eye can see!" Seeing the photos blew me away. "It does seem pretty interesting..." I murmured. "Also! This is still a secret so you can't tell anyone. But my parents are going to go outside of them soon." He said. My face lit up with curiosity. "Eren!" He called my name. I looked up at him. His face was shining with joy. Looking into his eyes, I realized I wasn't free. "Do you think maybe we could go explore the world together? And see the ocean, together?" I took a particular notice when he said 'together'. He looked up at me with the biggest smile he had ever wore. (I'm not gonna die until I see that. Until I see it with you.) • • • • ~Armin POV~ It was Mikasa's 10th birthday. Eren had told me that he would have to stay at home to celebrate her birthday, but he was sitting outside of his house. I approached him. "Hey, Eren. Where's Mikasa?" I asked. "Aren't you celebrating her birthday today?" "That was the plan but we had to post pone it to next week." "Why? Did something happen?" "My mom said she's going through something called "Girl changes". I don't know what that is." He said. My eyes widened a little bit. "O-oh! That-that's nice..." "Wait. Do you know what it is?" He was more than a little curious. "I... Might have an idea..." He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, his face inches away from mine. "What is it?! Is it a secret weapon?!" "Why would it be-?" "I saw blood on her bed this morning! I think she killed someone with it!" He said his eyes averting to his side in suspicion. I was silent for a moment. (I can't actually tell him. His parents would kill me.) I didn't know what to say. "What is it?!" "Yeah, it is a secret weapon and "Girl Changes" is just a code name." "What is it really called?!" "It's called "The Monthly Rage". Don't get her mad and you'll live." I said. "But, what happens?!" "If you want to know more, you should talk to your dad. Or your mom... Not me." I said taking his hands off my shoulders. As soon as his hands were off my shoulders, he ran back into his house. (He actually believed that...?) After about 10 minutes, he came back outside his face completely drained of it's color. I laughed, "Did you talk to your parents?" He slowly nodded his head. I laughed again, "And, how'd it go?" "At least I never liked bees..." He said in complete monotone. • • • • ~Armin POV~ Eren's birthday later came in March. I was on my way to wish him a happy birthday, but I was suddenly stopped by Hannes. "You're Armin, correct?" "Yeah...?" "Armin Arlert?" "That's me..." "Where are your parents?" He asked. He knew it, didn't he? I had to lie to him in an attempt to avoid a Military Police investigation. "They're traveling... I wasn't told where..." "What are their names?" "A-abigail... Abigail and Abraham..." I replied. "I knew it..." He said looking down. "Knew what?" I asked. He kneeled down to my level. "Armin, the Survey Corps found your parents outside the walls. More specifically, their remains." Those words hit me hard. "Wh-what?! My... My parents are dead?" I asked. "How could you know they're my parents?" "Your mother was wearing this necklace. We used it to identify them." He handed me a necklace with my family crest on it. I was still in denial. "W-well, there are many Arlert families. How do you know it's mine?!" I started to tear up. "We have photos in our documents. We are certain that they're your parents." He said. I ran out of things to reason with. I just stood there silently, clutching the necklace. "Do you have a legal guardian taking care of you?" "Yeah... My grandpa..." I whispered, to shocked to move. "Where does he live?" "Just... A couple houses down... On the left..." I said still motionless. "Thank you for speaking with me. I'm very sorry." He got up and started walking towards my grandpa's house. I tried to shake the shock off of me and started walking again to Eren's house. He was already outside waiting for me. He saw me coming and smiled, running to me. I put on a smile to fit the mood. "Happy birthday!" I said. "Thanks! Do you wanna-" He suddenly paused. "Armin, are you alright?" He asked. "No, I'm fine. I-I don't want to ruin your special day." I said looking away. "Armin." He put his hand on my cheek and brushed my hair out of my face. "What's wrong?" I couldn't hold it back. Tears bursted out of my eyes and I dug my face into his shoulder, squeezing him tight. "They're gone..." "Who?" "My mom... My dad... I'll never see them again..." No matter how hard I tried to stop, the tears kept coming. Eren held me closer and fingered his hand through my hair. Gently holding a lock in his hand, he leaned down to my ear. "Hey, it's okay..." He whispered softly. I broke apart from him and pulled out the necklace. "They were able to identify them through this. My mom was wearing it." My hand shook just by looking at it. Eren took my hand that was holding the necklace. "Turn around." He said. I obeyed and turned around. He unhooked the chain and placed it around my neck. He turned me to face him and held the pendent, resting his hand on my chest. "It looks good on you." He said with a smile. The corners of my mouth slightly perked up. "Here, you should come inside." He said, taking my hand. I followed him into his room. He opened his window. He had a window sill planter filled with flowers. He pulled one and put it in my hair. "You look nice." He said. I chuckled and blushed a little. I picked one and gave it to him. He smiled, "You chose a pretty one." He said, putting it in his hair. It wasn't usual for him to drop so many compliments on me. I thought he was just trying to make me feel better. I turned and looked at the clouds. "...Thank you." I said. He looked surprised. "What did I do?" "I'm feeling better already." I said. He smiled. "Armin, I need to tell you something." He said. "What is it?" "Have you ever noticed that my mood tends to... shift, a lot?" "Um, in some cases, yeah, I have." "Well, Armin, there's a reason for that." "What is it?" He grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face him. "Armin, I... I have Bipolar Disorder." "What?!" Yet another thing that hit me in the face with shock. "Look, I don't want you to feel bad for me. I can still live my life like I always do." After a moment of silence, I calmed down. "When were you diagnosed?" "When I was 4, just before we moved here. In fact, it's the only reason why we're here. My dad heard that there was different resources for medications in this area, and he was hoping to make me some to combat the disorder." He explained. (Was that the recipe he was working on when I scraped my hand?) I thought. "As of right now, he hasn't been able to make any medications." "But, Bipolar depressions are so hard, and to think, you thought my Anxiety was getting in the way of my life." "Armin," He brushed my hair out of my face, "I've had one depression in my lifetime, and it was just after we moved here. When I started talking to you, it started going away. Not only that, my mood swings weren't as severe around you." He said. I stepped forward and hugged him. "Do these help?" I asked, resting my head on he's chest. He hugged back and ran his fingers through my hair. "Yes." He replied. For a while, we just stood there. I could hear his heartbeat and surely he could feel mine. I pulled away and looked back outside the window. "Eren." "Yeah?" "Remember when we first met, you asked me why I got bullied?" "Yeah, I remember that." "There's a bigger reason for that..." "What is it?" "Promise you won't judge me for it?" "I'd never judge you for anything." "I'm.... I like boys... and only boys." I said looking down. He stood silent, then started laughing. "Hey! You said you wouldn't judge me!" "No, no! It's just, I'm just like you." He said, still laughing. I also started laughing. "Have you ever liked someone?" I asked. "I actually do right now." "What's he like?" "Well, I met him when I was five. He always talks to me about the ocean. He has eyes bluer than the sky. And his name is..." He left a light kiss on my nose. "Armin." He said smoothly. I faced him. "Really?!" I said. He averted his eyes, blushing. I wrapped my arms around him. His body stiffened for a moment, but soon, he hugged me back. I buried my face into his chest, crying a little. All this time, I thought it was one sided. I soon started laughing. Eren fingered through my hair, laughing with me. I pulled my face away and looked at him. We then came together for a light kiss.

[writtenwordsoffic]

In Your Head - Part 4

Jughead Jones x Reader

Reader: Y/N

Brother: Y/B/N

Word Count: 2,129

Summary: You are almost 3 months into a relationship with Jughead Jones. You are going through a tough time being too much in your head as the anniversary of “that night” comes closer. Jughead can sense something is wrong.

Warnings: Features sexual content, as well as a rape flashback and parental abuse. Please don’t read if easily triggered.

….“I’m going to kill him…”.

Jughead sprung up after uttering the words and made his way out of the library. “Jughead!”, you screamed after him.

Jughead paused in front of Betty with such a stern look, Kevin looked in awe and in fear from the kitchen. “Where is he?!” You had never heard Jughead really shout before, not out of anger at least.

Abruptly answering while looking at you, “He left after you knocked him down” Betty answered.

“Jughead!”, you tried calling to his attention again.

Archie and Veronica had joined in the kitchen by now, still trying to determine what had happened outside.

“I need your keys!”, Jughead pushed out his hand giving a look to Archie that practically scared the ginger out of his own pale skin.

“Maybe we should go…” Veronica interjected grabbing Kevin’s elbow.

“Forsythe!” You finally caught his attention along with the rest of the kitchen.

Veronica sat back down on her stool, “Never mind….” while amazed at what name just came out of your mouth that commanded Jughead’s attention.

He paused, looked at you, and within a split second his whole face softened. While moving his eyes to his feet, “Sorry”, he mumbled.

“Can we just get out of here?”, you walked up to him and reached for his hand.

Archie looked at you once again reaching for his keys out of his pocket, you stopped him. “No, that’s alright, we’re walking”. Archie gave a reassuring smile.

“Can I get my stuff at your place?”, you turned back to Veronica.

“Okay, but we’re talking about ALL of this later”. You gave a nod in answer. 

“Do you want us to come with you”? Betty had interjected, knowing more what was going on than anyone else in the group.

You shook your head while giving a reassuring smile. “There’s a key to the front under the smallest potted plant”.Veronica looked back at Kevin who still seemed astonished by the use of the name Forsythe.

“I’ll see you all tomorrow, and have a good rest of your night, okay?”, you looked to everyone’s eyes and they either let out an agreement or a nod. While still holding Jughead’s hand, you led him out the front door.

He was quiet for a few minutes until you broke the silence. “Sorry for using a name you loathe back there”.

“It’s okay, it was warranted”. Still holding your hand he was looking at his feet while mustering up his next second statement. “I want to kill him”.

“Part of me still does too”, you confessed.

“Why didn’t you tell me Y/N?” He finally looked to you with his silver blue eyes.

“I was scared, for lots of reasons. For one, THAT reaction”. One thing you shared with Jughead was a similar exaggeration to certain words in your speech. “Another…before Betty today, only my therapist has known”.

“You’ve been seeing someone then? About this?” While a little surprised he understood why.

“Not just for that reason, but yes. Before you, even before everything with Chuck last year, I’ve had a lot of issues. I mean mostly my life just being that, but none of it exactly typical….“ Your words once again, started to fade from you. 

You made it to the front of Veronica’s house. Found the key and opened the door to the very large home. You walked with Jughead to Veronica’s room, looking for your bag and the rest of your stuff you had laying around. You opened your bag and saw your pill bottle. You knew you were finally going to tell him everything. As nervous as you were, you just threw everything in your bag, unconsciously sighing. “Come on”. You grabbed his hand again, and with a determined look you made your way to Archie’s house. 

He waited a few minutes before stopping you on your rather fast paced walk. “I know I’ve asked this a lot today, but are you okay?”. He grasped a side of your face with his palm. 

 “Yeah I’ll be alright, I just want to get to your place”. 

He gave a surprised look. One as to calling it his place as he still very much saw it as Archie’s. Two, he retorted vocally, “I thought I was walking you to your house?”. 

 “No, I don’t feel like being there tonight. I want to be with you. I need to talk to you about all of this and it’s probably time”. You said it more determined than intentioned. 

 He could tell you were getting nervous. “If you don’t want to tell me, Y/N, that’s okay. There’s not any pressure of me putting any of this on you". 

 “No. Ever since you told me about your parents a few weeks ago, what happened with your dad and everything, I’ve wanted to tell you. It’s kind of a lot I know in one night, but I need to get this out and there is no where safer than when I’m with you. I know that”. You hadn’t ever told him before of what being around him truly meant to you. 

 He gave that great smile again. He pulled you in to hug you first before laying on a very heavy kiss. This time it was his turn to say it, “come on”.

 You had made it to his house and he unlocked the door. Fred was out of town for the weekend and Archie probably knew better than to be back yet and it being only 10, it seemed plausible he wouldn’t be back until Valerie and the Pussycat’s were done playing at Cheryl’s. He led you to his room. 

You had been in the kitchen and living room a few times whether it be to watch a movie or to make Jughead and Archie something that couldn’t be found at Pop’s. And while he had been there a little over a month, you still hadn’t seen the upstairs. While being present in the moment that Jughead had punched out Chuck had sobered you, you were still a little tipsy and took every step carefully.

 You entered into his room. He didn’t have much around, but you could tell what posters were his as well as stash of cds and old records. You looked to the right side of the room and saw a bookshelf, practically filled to the fullest like your own. And on one of the shelves was a stack of books you yourself had let him borrow. One’s with new pages cornered. You smiled, seeing how whenever you usually saw Jughead in his free time, he was on his laptop writing versus reading something you gave him. “You read them all huh?”. You turned to him with a smile.

 “Of course. I already loved reading, you just enhanced the genres”. He gave a loving smile while leading you to the bed to sit down.

 1….2…..3…..you opened your bag while saying the first thing you wanted to tell him. “Well here’s one thing”. You gave him the pill bottle. 

 “What’s are these for?”. He was reading all of the label now. 

4…5…6… “I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression and I’ve been on them since this”. You took off your cardigan, while you could tell he was mentally noting that he had never really seen your bare arms before. You yourself had almost forgotten you were in a full crop top from Veronica. He touched your somewhat healed scars from years back, one a bit more recently than the others. 

You went into the story of that one. How after last year, after Chuck, you didn’t feel like you belonged anywhere. That you had honestly never really fit anywhere. About the breakdown you had, how long you were in the hospital for and then you went into your family. 

How your mother didn’t really understand the point of “mental health”, and while she gave a good fake face to those who didn’t know her - that sometimes the worst monsters, were those found at home. You went into how she acted mentally, in and out of anger spells. And how when it was really bad, there was more than just emotional abuse. You went into why your confidence as a person was so down, and how it always started with her. Never thin enough, never smart enough and never pretty enough. You said all this while looking away until then end when you turned your body and moved your hair to probably the worse thing your mother had ever done to you physically. And on the side of your shoulder, you showed the burn marks. Still somewhat heavy in skin healing over as you could still easily feel the raised scars. You turned and explained that while it had been years since that one, that it came from the time you last told someone what it was like at home. 7th grade when you had told a teacher. But with your parents facade on the outside, no one had really bothered to believe you. You finally looked back to Jughead’s eyes. He locked his eyes on to your back. 

Before, when you had told him about Chuck, he was heavily angered while feeling something horrible for you. And while he had experienced a more than less perfect parent, and had some instances with his father of his own, he hadn’t expected this. 

 “I’m sorry it’s a lot. I know, we haven’t been dating that long. Heck, you’ve only known me for about 6 months…but with everything else that happened tonight, I needed to tell you everything. I couldn’t lie to you about all of this anymore…”. You looked away from his face, ashamed of your life’s scars. 

 His concerned face was brought back. “How long since the last time she….”. 

You cut him off, knowing that this would be a question. “Once in the last 9 months. Around my birthday, she’s never really okay around any holiday”, your mind thought back to certain instances in your life. “She found out she has a severe heart disease and since the amount of medications they put her on, she’s been better. Still distant as a parent…but better to us at least”. 

 “Your brother..?” 

You cut him off again “Yeah, but I always tried to make sure if something was happening, she’d focus on me instead. I’m easier for her to get at…”. You paused again and started hearing your mother’s voice and what she would scream at you. 

 Instead of if you were okay or going out to now “kill” your mother, Jughead looked at you again. Holding your hands with tears in his eyes. “Is there anything I can do?”. 

 “My mother wise, no. My Dad stays away from it himself, he leaves on “business trips” a lot. And again, she’s been better. As for me…you could just hold me”. 

 “I can do that, but first I need to tell you something”. You looked at him with questionable eyes as he put his hands around your hips. “You are the most caring, intelligent and most beautiful woman I have ever met and will probably know in my lifetime. You are more and deserve more than what you have been handed. You are amazing, and I plan to show you that whenever I can”. He grabbed the side of your face again and brought your mouth into his. He stopped to realize you were crying again and lifted his head looking into your eyes making sure you were okay. 

 You smiled and gave a small laugh while wiping your tears. “It’s okay, they’re happy tears”. You brought him back to your lips while moving his body back to the bed. You held him by his neck kissing him deeply. You really hadn’t felt like anyone in your life was home before. Not before him. Your body was on top of his now. Your legs over his. You kissed him harder and a little faster.  He could feel the tension in your body, it wanting more. He paused and pulled your head from his. 

“We don’t have to do this now. I love you Y/N, without all of this”, he motioned his head down to both of your bodies. It was the first time he said those words yet you had thought about saying them 20 times by now, 5 times in instances just that day. 

 “I love you too. And I want this. I have a connection to you more than anyone else and”, you paused as you were a bit nervous “I want to show you how much you mean to me”. 

 He smiled, “I already know how much”. 

 You gave a gleeful smile back, “but now I want to show you”.

[allmymisters]

For the Love of China

I just woke up. That’s a lie. I woke up around 2 hours ago. I awoke from a dream I can’t remember and a peacefully sleeping Mister who does that snoring that sounds like he’s whispering “poo”. I used to do this thing in my head, when I was about to go to sleep. It was to calm me and clear my thoughts, but I would imagine this little Iggy like character in my head, climbing through my brain to the top of the stairs. He had a little room there and he would turn on the light and there would be a very large blackboard full of doodles and writing and he would literally erase my thoughts. When he cleared the board, he would turn the light off and I would go to sleep. When I was a child, I never sucked my thumb, nor did I sleep with my parents. Across the hall I slept in my crib and then that crib turned into a bed eventually, but I was not the type of child who was uncomfortable being alone and my parents were not the kind that would coddle me. When I was a kid, I’d play with my hangnails to get to sleep. Strange I know, but I’d start at a quick pace and as I would slow the pace down to go to sleep. Some people count sheep, I played with my hangnails.

I wasn’t a nervous child. I was shy, but not nervous. Anxiety was something that occurred the night before a trip or the night before the first day of school. I never was affected by it the way my friends say they are crippled by it. Something has happened to me recently and I don’t like it, actually I hate it. The older I’ve gotten the more stressful my life has become. Job stress, money stress, relationship stress, health stress…what was invisible before has now ravaged my nervous system like a freight train. Why has this happened? What did I do that my mind and my body have decided to betray how I compute.

When you scroll down Facebook posts you’ll notice a pattern with people. It goes from “My kid said/did this” to “I have an opinion about the current state of the world” to “My (insert family member) died” to “Look how much fun I’m having on said vacation”. We know every anniversary, birthday, death, birth, new job, new partner, etc etc. Look, I’ve read and listened to a lot of psychologists and experts talk about how social media affects us and I think it affects us in different ways. For me, it’s more of a strange place where you can’t disagree with anyone or I’m reading about some pretty personal stuff for the world to see or I’m realizing how sad I am that I don’t have a cute baby to show everyone or a cute dog for that matter. As of two days ago, it was acknowledging that the two guys I dated in high school were arrested for some pretty serious sexual misconducts.

I have emotional OCD. I can’t help it and noticed my mom is the same way. We lash out in two different ways. We get angry and tell the world to fuck off and then we cry in the shower at how hurt we are. My family was always big on the “suck it up and move on” or “don’t ever let anyone see you’re weak, be smarter”. I think I’ve lived a majority of my life like this. I care way too much about things. Being a natural empath can be rewarding, but can also turn on you in a most wretched way. I fixate on things bothering me. I will go through scenarios, the why, the what, the how. I will talk to that person in my head and say exactly what I want to to them and then see them as though I have no complaints. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m bold enough, I just don’t see what it would really do but become my problem.

I’m trying not to care. I’m actually trying not to notice what’s happening to me. My body is falling apart. I thought I’d be one of those cool ladies you see memes and documentaries about. The ones that are growing old gracefully with designer bifocals and purple hair. My mind has grown and continues to do so, but my body is being an asshole. When you start to see the transition it gets scary. The grey hairs, the aches and pains, the weight gain (for some), the lethargy and most of all the crushing anxiety. I’m having serious issues with anxiety recently and the only thing that has helped are my new acupuncture appointments. But as with all things I experience, I don’t want to have to be helped or ask for it for that matter. It’s challenging, but I’ve always seen myself as someone who can handle her shit. So, I thought.

“Iggy where are you!?”

My mind races in the middle of the night. I go to bed fine, but if I awaken, it’s a nightmare. I try to get Iggy to come out and he’s there but he either erases the board and it refills instantly, or he just stands there looking at it, as though he’s stuck in some video game prompting me for his next direction.

What do I have to work on tomorrow? Can I sell this woman’s house? Am I doing the right thing with my life? Why does he have to work tomorrow? Am I going to lose my hair? I need to go to the gym. What should I get my parents for Christmas? I’m so angry about my camera! Why haven’t I heard from her, do they just not like me anymore? I want to go somewhere. I miss my dad. I hope my dad is ok. I wish my brother would come visit me. I wish I could afford to go see them, i hope those fires aren’t too close to him. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Ok, relax, deep breaths. Why is my heart beating like this, am I dying…fuck…fuck…am i ever going to lose this weight. I need to just go to the gym. Oh my god, stop snoring! I need new glasses, shit I need to reschedule the dentist because I don’t have money right now, how am I going to pay for the window…..

And it goes on and on and on and on. From me thinking I have cancer to wondering when the next tragedy in my life will occur to am I going to have a job tomorrow. I get it, I’m not alone, there are other people who have this stuff going on, I just don’t like it. It’s physically tearing me apart. I’m about to turn 47 and I’m wondering where my womanhood has gone because let’s face it, I’m 22 forever. It’s disorienting and for me, very frightening. I don’t want to have a heart attack in my fifties you know?

I used to love being an empath, recently I hate it. There’s an emptiness I’ve been carrying around with me and what used to be a simple brush off the shoulder and has now become some colossal underlying stress ball of unimaginable proportions. My doctors have told me that they are quite surprised I’ve gone this long without completely losing it. When I look at them with “tha fuuuck?” look, they explain going through that much trauma in one sitting can put most people over the edge, but two therapy sessions in, after a suicide, an excruciating end to my marriage, the death of one of my best friends, the news that my ex boyfriend and friend had died while at mentioned best friend’s funeral, the loss of my close knit circle and the loss of my job due to all of the above was good enough for me. I moved forward. Moved forward in a very zig zaggy, drunken fashion making no stops for breath while being accused of being unforgiving, angry and abandoned. Yep, seems about right. It’s been nine years and I’m afraid it’s finally all caught up with me, like a tsunami from hell.

“Take a Xany”

I don’t do pills. I will fight to self heal before having to take something for it. No offense to you who have found resolve in it, I’m just not that person. I just wanna feel better! I want to sleep. I wanna enjoy my morning instead of walking straight to my computer. I want to figure out a workout routine. I want to tell people no. I want to not feel like my heart is in the Kentucky Derby. I want my body to slow down. I want time to slow down. Slow the fuck DOWN! Why am I so apt to be that overachiever? I think because for so long I’ve been overlooked in my duties, and now, I’m finally getting recognition and to be honest it feels fantastic. My therapy comes from helping others, that’s my selfish reason for doing the things I do. So, how do I make it stop? I don’t have an answer. Right now, being in a dark room for one hour every week with pins sticking in me seems to be the only thing that’s been working. It’s sad that, it is the only place, I can breathe and not think of all the things, even though the cost gives me its own anxiety.

It’s not greek to me

A few hours ago I couldn’t finish writing this piece. I wanted to write something because writing is my catharsis and to be honest, I was upset. It helps me work it out in my head. Instead, I started talking about it while my man comforted me and asked what he could do. I broke down. Blubbering like a fool, telling him how disappointed I am in my life right now, how I don’t know why I can motivate others and not myself and how alone I feel a lot of the times. I just want to shut it off sometimes. My brain that is, not my system. I don’t want to be fearful because that’s not who I am, yet I feel like I’m fearful everyday with everything I do and say. When did that happen?

I just want to sleep like the dead again so I can feel alive. Remember in our 20’s? Bed at dawn, sleep til work, repeat. I want to eat a piece of chocolate without feeling like I’ll need to buy new jeans next month. I want to tell people to eat a dick every time they tell me what I should feel and what I should say. I’m not feeling very punk rock these days and that’s what it comes down to. All these feelings I have about the world, the non-reciprocated relationships I have, the allowance of urgency everyone needs from me, and the disrespect I’ve received in certain situations are an implosion waiting to happen, all because the one emotion I owned, anger, has become some sort of disease. Are we no longer allowed to express our discontent for anything except what has been deemed acceptable and determined by some invisible sensitivity police? I think not. It’s not just about being consumed by anger, it’s more about being able to express and release. You know, throw some plates against the wall and then have a martini after. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but for me, I think it is part of the reason why I feel so handicapped recently. I wanna mad. I want it to run through my veins and shout it out! It doesn’t make me crazy. It doesn’t make me unable to cope (fuck anyone who says I can’t cope with shit) and it surely doesn’t make me non-confrontational. I don’t like this new, “Don’t let them hear you” mentality. It’s my right to embrace my humanity and that includes being angry and having my own perspective. So, I’m getting my plates ready, because I’m tired, so very, very tired, and there’s nothing Greek about that.

[sassyhottubstrawberry-blog]

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"Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

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I am 15 looking to start saving for a first car in in the UK by the way. Also I'm talking about insurance for when im 17/18 year old my guess would be around 5-8k for a first car plus insurance? Thanks

Insurance after a crash motorbike!?

My Son has a motorbike crash last month. The police managed to look at CCTV footage and tell me the crash was not his fault. It was the fault of the motorbike in front that swerved in front of him. Anyway my sons bike was insures 3rd Party With no legal cover The bike was so badly damaged it was going to cost over 2k for me to fix it up but 4k to get it looking new. The bike was brand new 4 months ago. I had nowhere to store it so let the garage keep it for 600 My question is as he was only 3rd party where does the claim lie. The insurance company tells me I have no legal cover and they do not seem to be advising me of what to do. Ive heard nothing from them The bike has 4k outstanding on it as a family member loaned my son the cash, which he still has to pay back. What can I do to get some of the cash back for the bike?""

Why do underage drivers have to pay more insurance?

I'll be eligible for a learner's permit as of next year after I turn 16. However, my parents refuse to get me a driver's license until I'm at least 20. They tell me that when you add an account of a driver under somewhere around 20 yrs old (can't remember the exact age) the insurance rates go up. I don't want to be taking public transit forever so someone help! Why do the insurance rates go up? How can I avoid making them go up?""

Health insurance?

i am 22 years old and i have no health insurance and a LOT of health problems. does anyone know any affordable health insurance plans that would cover pills or partial of the pills, doctor visits, or most of the doctor visit, and hospital bills. i live in new jersey""

Quick question about car insurance?

I've been with a car insurance company for 3 years now and have been lucky enough to not have to file any claims with them, I just had my policy renewed and the premium went up about $100 from the previous year. Prior to this it had always gone down and when I called to ask why it went up they said because of an increase in claims in my area, now I know insurance has many factors such as the area you live in, and even if that is true I feel as if I should call and mention that I've had no claims in my three years with them, no tickets on my record and always pay my 6 month premium at once, would this be a useless attempt at getting them to lower my premium or could this possibly help me? I just don't want to seem like a fool on the phone.""

How much does is cost to insure a motorcycle?

i am a 21 yr. old female in so cal. it is a ninja 250r, never been in an accident, & it is kept in the garage!""

Auto insurance question?

I am looking into financing a 2007 honda civic coupe ex. It is a 1.8 liter inline 4 motor. Front wheel drive and automatic with almost 68,000 miles on it. In florida, you have to get full coverage until you finish paying off the car. I am 23 with 2 traffic tickets. One for a stop sing violation and another for no proof of insurance. Both tickets were given to me at the same time almost 3 years ago. Thats the only 2 tuckets ive ever had. I live in the country as well because i know that matters for a quote. But with this information, what would be a good estimate on how much full coverage insurance would be on this vehicle? Thanjs in advance.""

Where can i find affordable health insurance ??

I am a single mother of two daughters. I make too much for medicaid, the kind my job offers is too much for me to pay, $332 per month. Is that good or bad, the $332??""

How long do you have to file a claim with car insurance?

I hit a lady on january 25. I made a little crack on the inside of her car. She sais to just give her money to fix it and she won't claim it. How long does she have to claim this with her insurance?

What is the best health insurance plan for my husband and I?

We're age 20 & 22. In school. Don't receive insurance through work. Live in Michigan. No health problems right now (that we know of) lol. We can afford about $50 to $100 per month. Looking for dental and a visit or two per year to a physician (checkups) for each of us and a deductible that can work around that and decent co pay.

Local Car Rental Brooklyn NY No license/insurance to practice?

Local Car Rental Brooklyn NY No license/insurance to practice driving I will have a licensed person in the passenger seat, but i need a car just for one hour, to practice my skills and prepare for the exam this is very simple, i need a car to practice driving, i have about 15hrs, need mroe any local car rentals in Brooklyn NY? I do not care so much for the cost, as much as just simplifying the process of renting a car for a measly hour. Thanks""

My insurance is running out?

I am 19 years old and my insurance is running out in two days because i have a job and are not going to school. I have a pretty bad medical history of anxiety problems and low immune system. When i was younger i was in the hospital every year for something like phneumonia or stomach virus of strep throat. I have agoraphobia pretty bad. It is very hard for me to go to wal mart and i cant travel out of town because my anxiety kicks in. Now my insurance is going out and i don't know what to do. Its driving me crazy. Any suggestions to a way of getting medical care for cheap without all the thousands of dollars in bills would be greatly appreciated.Thank everyone so much for answers:)

What is the difference between group health insurance plan and individual health insurance plans?

What is the difference between group health insurance plan and individual health insurance plans?

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

Would your name show up on car insurance papers if their were to be two people on the insurance?

My dad is the main person on the car insurance and if he was to put me on it, would my name show on the car insurance papers?""

Who has the cheapest renters insurance in california?

Who has the cheapest renters insurance in california?

Car Insurance HELP? which would be cheaper?

im not asking for a PRICE,but which out of these 3 cars do you THINK would be cheaper on insurance for me. I am a new driver,I have good grades ( good student discount ) and Im going under my moms insurance. -2004 pontiac grand prix -2006 chevrolet impala -2006 pontiac G6 I dont need any websites to find cheap car insurance i just need opinions on which you think will be cheaper and why thanks! = )""

Affordable health insurance?

I am a married woman and am looking for health insurance just for myself. My husband does not want to get it for both of us just yet. I get birth control every month and I have contacts, so I would like affordable health insurance that would include vision and lower my yearly visit to the gynecologist. It should also be good for the possibility of my birth control failing and I get pregnant. I live in Alabama. Do you have any ideas? I'd like it to be under $100 a month.""

Which way is the cheapest for car insurance?

Im 17 in december and once i pass my test im gonna buy a small car 1.1/1.2 etc. I have heard that if i put my mum as the primary driver and me as my secondary driver it is very cheap (with directline this is) Is there any other cheaper ways?

Buying insurance online?

If I buy a Progressive insurance plan online, would I be able to print out the proof of insurance online as soon as paid for it with my credit card?""

Is Believing in God Similar to Having Car Insurance ?

Believing in God is like having Car Insurance Lls HOPE is Beautiful If you get in an accident you are covered (safe) If not you just short and out of luck ...You can not rule out that God does or doesnt exist....I have Faith that he does so when I die hopefully I meet him...For the rest that dont have Faith they're just cool with the idea that death is just the End and that's their opinion They're not dumb to me at all

What does this quote about Health Insurance mean?

(The Headline - 2 Calif. health insurers to pay $13M for dropping clients ) This fine sends the message that if you come into California to sell health insurance, YOU MUST PLAY BY THE RULES, said Cindy Ehnes, the director of the state's Department of Managed Health Care. [caps mine] http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-18-insurance-settlements_N.htm""

Auto insurance question in Michigan?

i am making monthly payments on a brand new 2008 colbot that i got in dec 2007. I have shopped around for cheaper full coverage auto insurance, that what i already have. I can't seem to find no car insurance cheaper than what i have. My car insurance is more than my car payment. I have talked to a few insurance companies and we went over different things that could make it cheaper. But, they can't beat the price that i already have. My credit isn't the best, but shouldn't a car payment be more than insurance? Anyone have any ideas where and how i could get a cheaper car insurance policy?""

Insurance rates going up?

If there is a licensed driver in a home where ppl have auto insurance would the rates go up? I really need to know.

What is more important? Health Insurance or House/Car Insurance?

If you could only afford one. Which would you pick? Health insurance or House and Car insurance.

""Someone hit my car, do I have to report to my insurance company risking the rate increase?""

Few months ago somebody hit my rental car in their rental car during vacation. Other party's fault, he admitted, police report confirms this is his fault. Both me and the other party were insured. The other party seems to be reasonable. Now I have a repair bill, few thousands. I am reluctant to report this to my insurance company, since I heard over and over again that even though it's not my fault my rate can and probably will still go up (read here if you don't believe http://www.carinsurancecomparison.com/does-your-auto-insurance-go-up-if-someone-hits-your-car). I think this is ridiculous, but that's the way how things are. So is it possible, and is it a good idea that I contact the other party insurance myself without involving my insurance since my case is a clear cut case? Are there any pitfalls that I should be aware of?""

Getting car insurance under parents name (Ontario Canada)?

I am 19, and I want to buy my first car, how ever I cannot pay 600 dollars a month for insurance. My dad does not want me on his insurances because he does not want the risk of his insurances going up if I get in an accident. So I was thinking, would my dad be able to insure my car under a different insurance company than the one he has now, and then just put me on the insurance. There for if I get in an accident, the insurance for the new car would rise, but the insurance for his car which is under a different insurance company would stay the same?. Theoretically speaking, if the above is true, and I do get in an accident, and the insurance rises to a price where I could not afford the monthly payment. Would my dad be able to just cancel the insurance?""

Car insurance question?

how much will it cost for a 21 year old single female per month? i just recently got my drivers liscense and i have never had a car or insurance..i have no credit and have never had a ...show more

Does a two door Honda accord have a high insurance rate than the four door Honda accord of the same year?

In general, is it possible that two door or coupe cars will have higher insurance rates as compared to the four door car of the same type and the same year?""

Ticket for no insurance?Car insured but Name not on it?

i got stopped for speeding no licence and no insurance in Texas. can i show proof of insurance without my name and get it dismissed?

Does my parents insurance still cover me?

I'm 19(turning 20 on Dec 1) & I live in California(southern CA) Not in school right now, still looking into trade schools will attend school in spring '11. My parents have health insurance but since I was 18 it stopped covering for me. Insurance covers almost all costs though sometimes we have to pay a small percentage. Now this new bill has passed & I was wondering if it will cover me? Or should I apply for Medicaid? Currently looking for my 3rd job. Previous jobs did not give me health insurance. Thanks""

Cheap cars to insure for 17 year old male in the UK?

What are the cheapest cars to insure for a 17 year old male in the UK. Also if you know any cheap insurance companies that cover Northern Ireland that'd be great. Thanks

Do you have to get car insurance?

I live in England, i am not getting an car yet. I don't want to pay a lot of money & i am in my teens and i heard it is quite a bit of money for insurance, so i don't want to ...show more""

Insurance company won't cover me because my wife is pregnant?

I'm on a 90 day waiting period to get insurance by my employer, so I tried to get a short term one to be covered in the meantime one but they wont cover me because my wife is pregnant. can they do this what are options... i'm in Illinois. Thank you""

HOW CAN I CLAIM THE car INSURANCE to REMPLACE MY CAR?

I had a car accident and my car insurance covering third party only and them found me that was my fault I need to know how can I claim if there is any dealing, thank you""

""My Daughter starting driving lessons, { she 17 } where is the cheapest place for insurance for when she pass?""

I drive , could she go on my insurance ? would that go up? I have 7 years no claims. Thanks .""

""Would you buy a health insurance policy if it was not required of you, yet affordable?

a. I'll wait until I'm required to b. No way c. Absolutely e. I want one for free because I don't have a job and I live in my mom's basement

What happens if you lie to a car insurance company about your traffic violations?

My husband wants me to hide my violations because we are trying to get a new policy right now. I figure why wouldn't everyone do that then?

Car Insurance?

I am a foreign student and I am about to drive a car!!!!! I am so excited, but there's a problem: Car insurance. I do not have any family in United States, so I have to get my own insurance. Thankfully, I am 18 years old, so it is possible. But however, I am going back to my home country in summer which means I don't need to drive. Is it possible to cancle the car insurance over the summer?""

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

College student and no health insurance?

For all of my high school years, I was on state heath insurance. I am turning 19 at the end of this month and will begin college classes this summer, but I am really worried about not having health insurance (my services end when I turn 19.) I have bulimia and I go to therapy once a week and see a physician once a month, so it is pretty imperative that I have health insurance. I am just wondering if I will just have to be without health insurance until I'm an adult and can afford it? Or is there something out there for college students? Thanks""

List of cheap auto insurance in Georgia $40-$50 a month?

cheap auto insurance in Georgia .looking for where I can pay btw $40-$50 a month

""What, in your opinion, is the cheapest auto insurance for a full coverage sports car?""

Hey guys, I need some serious help! I bought a 2005 Mini Cooper convertible last year and have always been on my familys insurance but I was dropped and I need insurance ASAP. What can I expect to pay monthly? I want to put it in my name, but I have tickets and a DWI (still havent gone to court for, so idk if it makes a difference, yet...) and a suspended license so I bet my insurance would be ridiculous! My fiancee also has too many tickets to be a candidate. I'm thinking about using my 63 year old Godmother who's the original signer on the car because she doesn't have any tickets or accidents so I figured the full coverage would be cheap in her name. She's the one who signed for my car anyway. I'm the cosigner, but she's totally cool with putting the insurance in her name if it saves me money. So, four questions... 1) How much would insurance cost for me? 2) How much would insurance cost for my Godmother? 3) What's the cheapest insurance carrier? 4) What's the average for a full coverage sports car? So yeah, I'm FULL of questions :D Feedback is appreciated, merci! BQ) Who do you have insurance with? BQ2) What kind of vehicule do you have? <3""

""First time car buyer, whats the best kind of insurance?

Im 23 years old and im buying my 1st car from somebody. What would be the best kind of car insurance to get and how much a month would i be paying because i heard the younger you are the higher your insurance will be. By the way i live in virginia

Is Liberty National Life Insurance is a good company to work for?

Ok, like a few days ago i've scheduled an interview with National Life Insurance company and was really excited 'bout workin' there until today, but tomorrow (8/05/09) i have my interview...anyways, while i was making some more researches about the company so that i could present my questions to the interviewer (u know when he/she will ask me if i have any questions...) and then i stumbled upon some acclaimed Liberty National Life Insurance scams ...u know how people can be HORRIBLE on the internet. so anyways people (customers or employees, especially EX employees) were saying really bad stuff about the company. Like, LNL insurance doesn't pay people fairly, and that if you just wanna buy a pair of shoes to wear then it's a fitted company to work for, and all the bad things u could imagine...in fact, the ex employees were really crucial about the company. So now, i'm really nervous about working for them you know? I mean what if what those ppl are telling the truth and that i'm just heading toward god knows what?! What if i get the job and realize then that everything that was being said on the internet was true? What if they don't pay me fairly? or i don't know.... All of this has gotten me very frustrated...so if any of u guys can be any help with reliable sources, or just helpful suggestions would be more than great! Thankx and oh lol i didn't realized i wrote so much...sorry 'bout that though....""

""I'm living in Japan, looking for private health insurance. Can anyone recommend a good *affordable company?""

I'm an expat, planning on spending most of my life here in Japan. The national health insurance is good but a bit expensive. So if anyone knows a good expat health insurance company that is somewhat comprehensive, please send the information my way. I only have to cover myself and I have my own business.""

Landlord's insurance in NJ?

I have few rental properties in NJ and looking for an insurance company that provides landlord's insurance policies. I will appreciate if you could arrange to send me few names of insurance companies. Thanks

Where could I find health insurance that covers these things?

I'm a very healthy person, I've never had any major illnesses and don't do anything that would risk a major hospital visit (of course I know that things do happen), I just want the health insurance that covers: Doctor visits and Medications I have been diagnosed with GAD by a general psychiatrist and he recommends I take medication for it, I don't typically visit a doctor but I felt I needed to see one asap. I've never had health insurance, I'm 19 years old and I live on my own, I'm about to be married in a month and I just would like to know where I can find affordable health insurance where I won't have to pay too much for a doctors visit and for medication. Thank you""

What is the average cost of teenage car insurance in illinois?

I am a 16 year old girl. I am getting a car for christmas. We are looking for a Honda Civic or Honda Accord, probably around a year 2000 or so. I get good grades, mostly A's. I am a girl. I need to know pretty fast how much this is going to cost a month. Thanks.""

Where can i get complete information about business insurance ?

where can i get the complete data for business insurance ..

Do I pay the excess on my car insurance when a claim is made against me?

I know that I have to pay when I make a claim on my car insurance, but im not sure if when someone makes a claim against me if I have to pay the excess in that instance?""

Cheap car insurance!!!?

hello i am a 17 year old boy looking for cheap car insurance what is the best car and the best company to go with with to get the cheapest prices.

Health insurance for full time college student?

I realllyy need to see a doctor about some issues im having with my health, but the onlyproblem is i dont have insurance... Are there any affordable insurance plans i can get??.. im a full time student and i really need it.""

Best place for car insurance? (uk)?

I passed my driving test a couple of days ago and i need to insure my car. I realise the insurance is going to be 'through the roof', but can anybody reccomend places worth trying where i might get the best quote? thankoooooou""

Low income health insurance in Missouri?

hi, I'm a 25 year old, male, non-smoker, full time student. I don't make a lot of money therefore I can't afford to pay for health insurance. what should i do? Is there anyway I can apply for low income benefit for health insurance? is there anything You can recommend for me to get health insurance cover? Thanks so much if you can answer me.""

Information on car insurance coverage?

I was being driven over to a friends house to pick up some paper work, I do not have a driver liceance but my friend does, when another car passed us they came to far over and forced us in which resulted in us side swiping a parked car in the street, The car belongs to my fiance and myself, I'am on the insurance as iam in the process if obtaining a permitt, she drives the car very few times, only when I need to get somewhere and her son has her car, I filed the claim and when the claim adjustor got back to me she was saying our friend may have to run a claim through her insurance instead, we have full coverage collision and all, limited tort, in a no fault insurance state, PA, ive talked with many people and been told my insurance should cover it with no problem, she cannot claim this her son literally wrecked her car 2 months back, seeings how we are fully covered and she is a very occasional driver, I was told its the first thing they will try naturally as an insurance company is try to have everyone else foot the bill first, I'am curious as I'am certain we should be able to cover it, even though she was driving it was me on the passenger side who had said she should be able to move over as I was certain there was clearance which guess not as we were pretty certain the other driver would have hit us, will a full coverage policy cover this if the car in question has the policy on it and one of the insured on the policy was in the car at the time as well? we have Infinity auto insurance, thanks!""

18 Year Old car Insurance?

I'm 18 turning 19 this April. Passed my test last November and of course looking for a cheap car insurance. I've been quoted for around 3-600!! I know I shouldn't be shocked. Researching, I've read that some 18yr old girl got a car insurance worth around 995 a year. Driving a Peugeot 106 1124 cc. Both parents drive. This is really cheap and I'm wondering how she got the quote?? DO U THINK SHE USED HER PARENTS NAMES?? like fronting perhaps?? Thanks""

How would you haggle the best car insurance in this situation?

cheapest quote on comparison website:Admiral quotes, 919 apr 8.9% access of 750 Key Info: Car Vw Polo 1.4 1yrs no claims i do not want to pay no more than 500 accesss what I would like to know is the difference ways in how you would approach this matter, how would you haggle the insurance company to go cheaper and to how much would you be targeting from the price stated above.""

Does Pass Plus reduce the insurance rate if the young driver with it is the second driver?

I'm 17 and want to get a second hand car but the insurance is too high. I plan to get the car, put it in my dad's name and then drive it myself. Will that reduce insurance premiums?""

""17 yr old in uk, looking for any tips to get cheaper car insurance.?""

looking for helpful tips to legally lower the price of my car insurance ie what company to go with, whether i should put my mum on my policy etc.""

""Car accident no insurance no driver license, what can I do about it?""

I got into a car accident last week, and it was the other party's fault. however, the guy doesn't have car insurance or a valid driver license. The cops came and did a report, but never made the guy show his license or give him a ticket (according to the report I got from the police). What can I do about the damage that he did? Can I sue him to get the amount? Shouldn't they impound his car and arrest him? It was a huge accident, my car is messed up in the back now. btw, I'm from Northern California""

Can someone explain how car insurance works?

Specifically, how do you pay for auto insurance? Do you make monthly payments or do you pay it at one time?""

ABC news did a #realmoney story on How to find affordable dental insurances or plans; Baton Rouge?

How can people save money and still get the best dental care in Baton Rouge. What insurance is best for a family of 5? ABC news did a segment on #realmoney and I am wondering more ...show more

How much is car insurance?

I know it depends on a lot of things, but whenever I mention me getting my license, they have the same excuse over and over... So what's an idealistic amount for a young teen w/ 3.0+gpa and a sports car be? In california.""

Getting into a car accident with a 16-year-old uninsured driver?

I live in San Diego, California. I recently got into a car accident with a 16-year-old uninsured driver, who was using his mother's car at the time and had two underaged passengers. I was in a business area (25 MPH) and I was switching lanes into the right lane. I had my right hand blinker on and was in the process of switching lanes. The 16-year-old driver was speeding and quickly hit my front right end. I had a witness - who reported two things - with the police, he reported that the 16-year-old tried to avoid me by getting into the bike lane, but then reported with my insurance company that the 16-year-old ran straight into my car at 50 MPH. They are currently finding me 80% at fault because of the police report. The police report was obviously misrepresented. What steps can I take to fix this?""

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

125CC bike insurance for 17 year old?

I will be able to learn to drive nxt year, i have ruled out buying a car, as the incredably high insurance cost would force me to sell of most of my vital organs. I think i could afford a bike, but how bad would the insurance for that be????? pls give me some kinda rough amount plsplspls thx""

What Car Insurance Company will offer the Cheapest Insurance for an 18YO Male?

Looking for the least expensive.

Can i get my MOT done without insurance?

My car needs an MOT and right now its on a SORN because im waiting for my paycheck so I can get insurance, my question is as follows: i know that you need an MOT before you can insure your car but to get my car to its MOT I would have to have it insured? How does this work? can i drive to the garage without insurance and get away with it or is there some special policy I need to take out? Please help.""

Car insurance question about my 17 year old.?

I want to get a second car and let my 17 year old drive it. I am trying to find a car insurance company that will let me have every thing in my name and have her as the principal driver of my second car. The problem I am having is she is moving down the street. I can not find a car insurance company that will let me have what is called a different garage adress on the car I am wanting to let her use. I am in the state and I have tryed all most all the car insurances companys around here and online. I have even tryed to have things put in her name but it would cost her around 300$ dollars a month to insurance it. And that is just the basic insurance. That is why i want to just keep everything in my name Any idea's would help. And not I not going to lie and just have her drive it and move and not let the insurance company she is driving it.

Senior life services insurance company?

Has anyone ever dealt with senior life services insurance company, and if so , Good Or bad results. Some insight please?""

Health Insurance - 31 days after Birth?

Here is my question: Me and my wife currently have health insurance (Carrier A). Effective 6/1 I plan to get into different health insurance plan with different insurer (Carrier B). On 5/23 my son was born and as per Carrier A, I have 31 days to enroll him under my current health insurance. Since I am changing eff 6/1, will he still be covered with my current plan (even I don't add him) until I add him to the new plan? So, basically from the time he is born until he gets added to Carrier B, would he have a coverage for these 7-8 days? Thanks""

How much will it cost to add a 17 year old female to my insurance plan as a driver with the car in my name?

I'm supposed to be added on my 38 year old sister's insurance with Nationwide tuesday. I have to pay for my part, I hope its not over 150 but definitely not 200.""

How much would my insurance most likely cost?

I am 16 years old, do not have a license yet, but I am trying to find a good insurance company first. I have had my learner's permit for 14 months, I live in North Carolina, and I get pretty good grades (As&Bs) I would be on an insurance plan with my mom and sister. My mom got a DWI back in July (No one was hurt, but she was originally pulled for reckless driving). My sister got a small speeding ticket a few months ago, but it was dismissed. I would be sharing a car with my mom to drive to school (she works at home). It's a 2004 Hyundai Sonata, and she owns the car. I would be driving every day (probably 3x a week) and no more than 15 miles to school and back. Please help! any any car insurance company recommendations would be great too!""

Need advice concerning a comprehensive insurance plan...?

I will be getting married in December. Both my fiance' and I are still on our parents' plans (as we are below the age of 24 and have not been forced off yet). This includes car and health insurance. I am lost when it comes to how much I should pay, what kind of coverage I should aim for, etc. We will both need car and health insurance as of 12/20/09. We are looking for an all-around DECENT plan that will fit in a limited budget. Any advice/tips on what we should be doing or looking for would help a lot! Thanks!""

Insurance on a ford fiesta 1.25 GHIA?

im 17 and will be having my full license at the very latest January the 1st just wondering the average price for cheapest cover, 5 door 1.25""

What is the best company for cheap car insurance?

I am doing my lessons, I am a 19 year old female and a mother of 1. I have just bought a renault clio 1.4 and need to get the cheapest possible insurance. To start i need insurance so that i can drive with someone in the car on my provisional but i also need quotes on how much it will cost me when i have past my test.""

Car and Insurance for Teen driver?

I'm 16, turning 17 this year living in Houston, TX I have had my license since August of 2009 and Insurance twice from August to November I think, and from January I believe, until now. I never had any accident, finished Driver's Ed., and have 3.6 GPA. I'm getting my own car now, and I'm looking for low price car with good reliability and low insurance cost. Which car and which insurance company would be the best for me? I'm looking for something cool, sporty. I can drive manual.""

Changing insurance from car to van?

I have a multicar policy with admiral at the moment. I have bought a vw van to drive for pleasure, not for work. I am selling one of my cars in the policy and am replacing it with the van. The car insurance runs out in december. What will I do? Will I have to pay more and not get any money back. You can't have vans in the multicar policy!""

Can i list my vehicle at another adress for insurance?

hi, i own a 2006 acura RSX-s and i live in the philadelphia suburbs. my insurance is quite PRICEY! any how, my father owns property in northern PA which is primarily farm land, and insurance would be alot cheaper if listed there. tho i dont live there, can i list my insurance there? is there anything illegal or could it hurt me? i see alot of people with New Jersey tags who live in PA to get cheaper Insurance. what do you suggest, and what would i have to do, change adress on D/L etc?""

I need affordable and reliable health insurance. 23 yrs old.?

hi I am a 23 year old foreign student currently studying in the US in a student visa..I am thinking about getting an affordable health insurance that covers emergencies and any sudden diseases that might occur in future.. also may be a yearly doctor visit etc.. i do not need dental.. i just want to make sure i am covered in case of emergency.. i am just a student and do not have a stable job so i cant afford a lot.. i have heard about medicare and medicaid but they are not for foreign nationals.. i have also heard about blue cross blue shield i was thinking about going with them but what do you guys think?? and what should be the monthly price?? thank you in advance .. no advertisements or spam please!!

When do insurance rates on your vehicle go down?

I'm 22. In my 5 years of driving, I have NEVER been in an accident and have never gotten a ticket. My parents are paying around $60 a month whereas I'm still paying $117. I don't drive a fancy car neither. Just an older 2004 Camry. Is it because of my age bracket is why my insurance still hasn't lowered any? I'm with Allstate and in California if that matters.""

""20 years old, considering seeking psychological help but have no health insurance and low income?""

I'm a 20 year old college student who works part-time at Best Buy. I consider myself intelligent and talented but I've had difficulty focusing for as long as I can remember and have struggled to self-motivate, or maybe just to see a point to anything, for at least the last 4 years. I'm tired of feeling this way and I want to do something about it, in the form of seeking professional psychological help, but I have no health insurance and very little income. I guess what I'm looking for is any government program that might throw me a bone, any kind of budget therapy, somewhere that might give me a free consultation or diagnosis so I'd at least know what I was dealing with, or just general empathy from people my age in a similar boat.""

Insurance for International Student in US?

I am an international student and right now i'm looking for an affordable health insurance for interntaional students, since the insurance they offer at my school is too ...show more""

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What is a good cheap insurance companies in Calgary, Alberta?""

Will my insurance skyrocket after this ticket?

I got my first speeding ticket the other day.. 70 in a 50. I'm 20 and only a few months away from turning 21 (when rates go down a little). I know there are other things that factor in to this but how much can I expect my insurance rates to go up? Should I pay the court fines and just request supervision to keep it off of my record?

Where can I get the most affordable/cheapest sr-22 insurance at?

I got a dui last year, live in CA, I'm 21, and about to be elgigible to get my license back in 2 weeks. Where can I get the most affordable sr-22 insurance? Also, I know I need sr-22, pay a fee, and proof of AA classes completion. Is there anything else I need to show the DMV when I go get my license back?""

""I will b learning to ride a bike soon, if i get a Ducati 500cc 2ndHand bike howmuch insurance it will cost me?""

I will b learning to ride a bike soon, if i get a Ducati 500cc 2ndHand bike howmuch insurance it will cost me?""

USAA Insurance Questions?

I'm thinking about switching my auto insurance from GEICO to USAA, but had a few questions. And since it's the weekend, they're not open when I called. I purchased a used vehicle about 4 months, so my insurance went up, and have heard great things about USAA, so here goes,,,, Question #1 - From all of the research I've done on auto insurance, USAA is approximately $125.00 dollars cheaper for a 6 month premium than GEICO. This sounds too good to be true, but I did the free quote steps over and over again on the site, if you have have USAA auto insurance, does this sound right? Question #2 - I submitted a quote for property insurance as well, and that quote was $10.00 a month, does this sound about right? I did this quote with website assistance on how much my property is worth. Question #3 - My 6 month auto insurance premiums gets paid in 4 monthly installments in a 6 month window, does USAA do this as well, or do they do it by monthly deduction? Thanks to all in advance""

Cheapest estate cars to inusre?

hi, im a 18 year old male looking for a new car, im looking at estates as i surf and need alot of space for boards etc. my last car, a clio 1.5 diesel was super cheap to run and tax (60mpg +) and insurance group 9 so didnt completely bust the bank. im looking at cars like the skoda fabia estate (1.2 and 1.9 Diesel) and the peugeot 307 and 207 1.4 diesels as they are also cheap to run and insure. the problem is i live in devon and any cars that are reasonably cheap are scarce. I average around 8-10 thousand miles a year. and am still in education so cant afford to run a 30-40 mpg car. any ideas? thanks""

""Can I buy a car, Insure it under my moms name, and have myself as another driver on the policy?""

Basically I totaled my car, and my driving record already is bad. So I'm wondering if its possible to buy a car cash, insure it in my moms name(she doesn't drive) put the bare minimum aloud by state law(massachusetts) insurance on it. And also put me as another or secondary driver. Thank you""

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

Corapeake North Carolina Cheap car insurance quotes zip 27926

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-does-insurance-cost-16-year-old-andrew-solomon/"

[theboardwalkbody]

47, 42, 37?

37. What’s your relationship with religion like?

The short version: Complicated

The long version: I was brought up Roman Catholic at my paternal sides VEHEMENCE. The same forcefulness that forced a Jewish woman to convert and baptize her children unless she force them and herself to face ridicule their entire lives at the hand of their own family members. My mom, a Methodist, was never too religious and mostly celebrated the Major Holidays and called it a day. The Roman Catholic side ALSO celebrated the Major Holy Days (added Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday) but were never the ‘grace before meals and church every Sunday variety’. But for some reason the ALIGNMENT or DESIGNATION of Roman Catholic was/is a DEFINING CHARACTER TRAIT. This I do not understand. Anyway - my mom refused to convert despite their protests.

Still - I attended a Christian Pre-school (location was a factor) and before/after classes we would say the Our Father. I was baptized as Catholic, I was enrolled in CCD (I still have no idea what that stands for) and attended every Sunday during the school year. I made my Holy Communion and my Confirmation. My mom picked out Cecilia (saint of music) for my Confirmation name because of how much I liked music. My sponsor (the person who is with you when you make your confirmation and is ‘responsible for guiding you to jesus’ or something) was one of my Aunts. I was my sister’s sponsor for her confirmation as at the time my parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce and my mom did not want my dad or his family to be there (as a huge FUCK YOU because THEY are the Catholics) and because my mom and her family are Methodist they can not be sponsors. So I was the only option. 

But what does this mean? I have no idea. 

1. I hardly understand any of my own religion. I don’t know the difference between Catholic and Christian. Why are fucking FB notifications popping up on my computer all of a sudden I did not authorize this what the fuck. I learned NOTHING in CCD despite the fact I was SUPPOSED to be taught about the Saints and the various religious texts. I never paid attention because I was bored the fuck out of my mind. I never really cared.

2. But I was scared. Catholicism, in my own personal experience, is based on FEAR a lot. NEVER DO THIS AND NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200.00. I have been to church only when FORCED for someone’s baptism or communion or confirmation (or my own) or marriage. Here’s the three things you experience in church: a) lovely music that is kind of warming to the soul, b) SINNERS GO TO HELL c) your family members yelling at you to sit still, be quiet, do not embarrass us, be a perfect little angel all while you are UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK in a starchy dress because apparently when you go to church you need to be dressed like you’re about to meet God himself.

I was always scared I would go to Hell for one thing or another growing up: swearing, lying, stealing an eraser from a classmates desk in 2nd grade and feeling guilty so ditching it in a different classmates desk a few feet away, and masturbating. LOL During your confirmation you’re supposed to go into a confession box and confess all your sins so you can start your Confirmed Life free of sin - I didn’t tell the priest about my masturbating and when he asked “is that all you have to confess?” I said yes. So I started my Confirmed Life with two sins: a) chronic masturbating, and b) I fucking lied to a priest. So I assume I am going to Hell in a hand-basket. 

I was fortunate enough to be invited to a synagogue a few times by a friend. I remember I was TERRIFIED the first time I went. I assumed, due to ignorance and my only experience thus far, that I would be yelled at and dammed - the norm at church. I tagged along anyway, to make my friend happy, and borrowed some clothes to attend (black skirt and shoes, white shirt). I was even more scared after learning there was an even stricter dress code than Church. As I sat there, trying to understand the words the rabbi was saying for a SOLID TWENTY MINUTES before leaning over and asking my friend “wait - is he speaking English?” only to have her look at me with WTF written all over her face and reply “no....”, I was so paranoid I’d be “found out”. What I mean is - I felt like an Outsider. Like I was Intruding. Like I had “Catholic” stamped all over my forehead and everyone could see it clear as day and that someone, eventually, would stand up and shout at me to leave and curse me for desecrating a holy place with my presence. None of that happened, naturally, but when my friend and her family went to the rabbi after the service to discuss with him plans for her bat mitzvah I was shaking with fear because HE’S LIKE IN CHARGE AND WE’RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE’S DEF GOING TO KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. Anyway - I was never kicked out, I went back a few more times and the anxiety went away. My mom was like ‘that’s cool - it’s a new experience’ and when my GRANDMOTHER found out... well, she flipped. “DO YOU STILL LOVE JESUS? YOU’RE GOING TO GO TO HELL IF YOU EVER GO BACK THERE. YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH TOMORROW. YOU NEED TO BEG JESUS FORGIVENESS”. I went back a few more times and just didn’t tell her. 

I think I actually liked it better than Church. 

And other side note: whenever Jewish people happen to ask me my religion (not often but it has happened a few times working in the hospital and once during nursing school) I always feel really bad about telling them I am Catholic. I become ashamed and feel like I need to apologize. I never quite understood that, until I met a Jewish Classmate who explained that “all the Catholic’s I have met in the past have been really antisemitic”. And then I remembered my grandmothers treatment of Jewish people, including my aunt and cousins - her own grandchildren - and I realized. I feel like I owe everyone an apology on behalf of people like my grandmother.

3. Here’s my Adult Feelings. I don’t have a problem with religion. Any of them. I also don’t have a problem with anyone’s lack of religion. As long as you’re NOT AN ASSHOLE then you and I are good. I don’t go to church - I don’t care to. I do not want a religious wedding ceremony. I will PROBABLY baptize my children (unless perhaps I go the route of my uncle and marry outside of my religion in which I will allow my children to get older and DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES what they would like to do/which religion they want IF ANY - this was what my aunt and uncle wanted to do before my grandma and some other family members got involved). I will teach my children what I know - Jesus is a dude I guess - here’s easter and christmas and here’s your presents. But it’s never going to be a Big Deal. Because it’s not a Big Deal to me. 

4. Why It’s Complicated. Do I believe that God exists? I want to say yes, but I know I say it out of FEAR. I believe “I may not go to church, and I may curse like a sailor and masturbate like my fucking health depends on it, but fuck - I know I am a morally sound person and God knows this, too, therefore He can judge me in the way I conduct myself with other human beings. I don’t need to get on my knees and send him postcards for him to know I’m Good™.” However - recently I’ve had some Jesse Custer level moments of “God, I am reaching out and I really need some fucking help here” only to be met with NOTHING in response. I prayed during my Nursing School Grade Appeal meeting. Just praying for ANYTHING so I could get back into the program. What happened? Reality happened - I did NOT get back into that program. In that moment I thought: That’s it - there is no God at least not one who GAF about me. I cried harder.This month I went to a University to try and get into their nursing program. Upon arriving at my meeting I was told I had been misinformed and the school did NOT offer a Nursing Program. As I waited for the woman at the desk to grab the advisor anyway to discuss options I tried praying again - just for things to work out. They didn’t and I got angry - Of course they didn’t work, I thought, because it’s all a bunch of Bullshit.

SO yeah - it’s complicated. I verge on “It’s all bullshit” after spending about 10yrs thinking “well MAYBE it’s not - maybe it’s real - but I’ll be judged on my treatment of others, not on my practice of going to church and shit”. And even still all of it was based on FEAR. Also the sky outside has gone from green to red. What a storm.

42. What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?

I am afraid that I am capable of fucking my entire life up. In two ways: 

1. Suicide2. Self-Sabotage. 

In terms of Issue 1 - I have gotten close with a lot of thoughts in the past. Three times I almost actually carried through with it. Twice spontaneously, and once was a “if no one answers my next phone call for help I am going to just give up and go swallow all those pills”. Someone did answer that phone. I called 5 people because I think deep down I didn’t want to give up, but every phone call that went unanswered I got closer and closer to ending it. My stepbrother answered call #5 on what I am almost convinced was one of the last rings. In the past I maybe had something to stop me - something saying ‘you need to live because XYZ needs you or because you need to ABC’. I’ve got none of that left anymore.

In terms of Issue 2 - I talked about it a little the other day, but my therapist isn’t wrong in regards to the fact that all my behaviors are destroying myself. I complain about being broke and yet I spend every dollar I have on garbage and food. I complain that I am unattractive and overweight and yet I continuously eat nothing but fast food and go out to restaurants by myself. I am out of shape and have high cholesterol, I continue to sit on my ass and shove fried food in my mouth. I want to get back into Nursing School but I spent all summer moping about not being in Nursing School and Having No Money and Being Depressed that I made 0 fucking effort to get back INTO it. I want to be hired as a nurse for the company I work for and yet I call out of work constantly and now have gotten FUCKING IN TROUBLE for it. It’s like I have two lists in my head. Good Wants (nursing career, weight loss, health increase) and Bad Wants (immediate satisfaction: clothes, food, vacations, etc.) and the ONLY wants I give into are the BAD ones. 

Yes, it’s hard - I’ve got the Anxiety and the Depression. I have no motivation, think everything is pointless, and have 0 hope for the future. 

But I am also lazy and impulsive and both of those things need to stop. I have coddled myself all summer and said it was OK to lay down and Give Up. Hell, LAST NIGHT I laid in bed and thought “but what if I did just give up? what if I quit my job, stopped going to school, and just decided to lay down in bed and never move again. I could be 800lbs and shit myself and then probably go to jail for never paying any of my bills - maybe I could say I’m insane and be locked up in a psych facility for the rest of my life - I could go through the motions of just existing every day.”. Of course it isn’t what I WANT with my life - I want to LIVE it and I want to be HAPPY - but this is the way I function anymore. 

I am single-handedly destroying my OWN life. And that I KNOW I am capable of now.

47. Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?

I understand this to mean “take blame for you” and not “have you ever pushed someone down” but yes - I have actually pushed someone and they fell down. I shoved a friend of mine back when we were like 14 and he tripped over a log behind him and fell on his ass. He was very upset and didn’t want to talk to me for a bit until I apologized. I feel bad now because I know what inspired the push and it was REALLY SHITTY of me to do it. But yeah.

Anyway - the real question: The only thing I can remember is that time I stole that eraser from my classmates desk back in second grade but then I felt guilty (and also knew that they would recognize the eraser as theirs if I took it out) and ditched it in a different classmates desk. 

My logic there was: they wont think it was me because they’ll see it in THEIR desk and not MY desk and they will thing THAT PERSON stole it and get mad at THEM instead of me because they won’t know I did it. I honestly don’t remember the outcome of it. But I don’t think anything happened. I think, if I remember correctly, the person pulled it out of their desk and was like “how did this get in my desk” and handed it back to the proper owner and said “i found your eraser in my desk I don’t know how it got there, but here you can have it back” and the owner said “ok thanks”. and it was 100% not a big deal because they were both confused as fuck.

I KNOW I GET REALLY IN-DEPTH WITH THESE I AM SORRY BUT DO PLEASE ASK MORE.