#tommy would definitely want one and maria would definitely be like fuck off

[mariatesstruther]

okay wait im obsessed with the idea of chihuahuas surviving especially well in the apocalypse

[guess-my-next-obsession]

the alchemy | iii. the first time

pairing: no outbreak!dbf!joel miller x fem!reader

chapter rating: Explicit [18+ only, minors dni, dbf/secret relationship, age gap (joel is 34, reader is 24), alcohol consumption, one douchebag of a man interacting with reader, jealousy, angst, oral (f!rec), soft dom!joel, unprotected piv, not proofread—may contain some typos but i can’t be bothered to check]

summary: you go out to the bar with your friend Maria and run into the Miller brothers. jealousy arises, feelings are made known, joel shows you just how badly he wants you.

wc: 4.4k

the masterlist | next chapter

You never did get the chance to sneak over to Joel’s place. Most nights, your dad found himself over in Joel’s backyard or in his living room, the two of them tossing back beers while talking work or watching whatever game was on. 

You tried to tag along, if only for the sake of seeing Joel, but it quickly became apparent to you that Joel had no intentions of slipping up around your father. He hardly looked your way, save for a few longing glances whenever your dad left the room. So, instead of sitting there like a third wheel, you busied yourself with hanging out with some old friends at the bars downtown. 

Tonight, a Friday night, would have been the perfect opportunity to try and spend some time with Joel, except that he was busy celebrating Tommy’s birthday. Tommy had invited you out, too, but the thought of hanging out with both Miller boys seemed a bit too awkward. Tommy had no idea about you and Joel, and Joel had heard every detail about you and Tommy. It didn’t seem fair to Joel to force him into watching his brother flirt with you all night, and vice versa. 

But you weren’t about to let Friday night go to waste by locking yourself up in your room and reading. 

You decided you’d head downtown with one of your old roommates from sophomore year, Maria. You could always count on her to turn a bad night into a drunken memory, and that’s exactly what you needed. Slipping into one of the few mini-dresses that you’d kept from college and a pair of chunky heels—you were not about to be wearing stilettos to the club—you called yourself an Uber and headed downtown. 

The bar she picked for drinks before the club was more of a dive, leaving you feeling a bit overdressed in the dim lighting. A couple frat boys tried to catch your attention as you walked past them to pull up a seat by Maria at the bar, but you ignored them. After your date with Joel, you had no interest in flirting with anyone, let alone a couple of little boys. 

You could only hope he was just as faithful to whatever this thing was between you as you were. 

“Look at you!” Maria let out a squeal and pulled you in for a hug before giving your outfit a once over. “I see you came out tonight on a mission.”

You laughed and rolled your eyes. “Yes, to get as drunk as I did freshman year.”

“I can get you there,” she assured, giving you a wink before grabbing the bartender’s attention. “We’re gonna need a couple shots. Tequila, maybe?”

You groaned but nodded your agreement. Tequila turned you into a drunken mess, but wasn’t that exactly what you were aiming for tonight? 

“So,” she said, smirking at you. “Tell me more about your older man.”

“Stop,” you said, laughing. “He’s not even a decade older than me.”

“Old enough to be scandalous,” she said, shrugging. “And no judgment, by the way. I love an older man.” 

“He’s so…ugh,” you groaned, rolling your head back. “He’s perfect. And totally off limits. And god, I just want to ride the wheels off him.”

“You talking about me?” A man entered your conversation from beside you, forcing you to give him a scrunched look of disapproval. He was older, that much was true. But he was also sleazy, smelled like cheap beer, and looked to be the same age as your father. 

Not Joel in the slightest. 

“Definitely not,” Maria said, gagging. “Turn around and fuck off.”

“Cunt,” he spat, as if he expected the two of you to cower. Instead, his insult was only met with laughter. 

“Anyways,” you said, turning back to Maria. “His name is—“

“Is that who I think it is?” This time, the voice hitting your ear was familiar. Too familiar. 

You carefully turned around, a faltering smile on your face as you met Tommy’s eyes. “Tommy, hey.”

“Thought you said you were too busy to come out for my birthday,” he said, arching an eyebrow at you as he smirked. 

“Yeah, she’s busy with me,” Maria replied, mimicking his stance. Tommy eyed her with amused shock, chuckling at her refusal to back down. She turned to you, nudging her chin towards him. “Should I tell him to fuck off or no?”

“No,” you said, chuckling. “Tommy, this is Maria. Maria, Tommy.”

He held his hand out for her to shake, which she accepted after making him sweat for a few seconds. “Nice t’meet ya, Maria. Pretty name.”

“Wish I could say the same,” she said. “Tommy’s a little boy’s name.”

“I keep tellin’ him to change it.” 

Oh god. That voice. You knew it like the back of your hand. You heard it in your dreams, you fantasized about the way it would sound when he was moaning your name. 

Joel. 

“There you are,” Tommy said, patting Joel on the shoulder as he joined your group. You turned around to face the bartender as he set your shots down on the counter. “Maria, this is my brother, Joel.”

“Nice meetin’ ya, ma’am,” he said, polite and southern as ever. “Y’all takin’ shots?”

Maria looked your way, curious over the fact that you had yet to do so much as acknowledge Joel. “You good?”

“Yeah,” you muttered, nodding your head absently before picking up your shot of tequila and downing it. 

“Bitch, we were supposed to do that together,” she said, laughing as she reached for hers to do the same. 

“Next round is on me,” Joel offered, squeezing in beside you in the empty space the sleazy guy from earlier left. His arm brushed yours as he settled his elbows on the bartop, the sensation warm in a way the burn of tequila could never replicate. You trailed your eyes up from the contact he made, slowly lifting to meet his. He smiled once you locked eyes with him, a look of relief washing over his handsome face. “Didn’t think I’d run into you.”

“Yeah,” you chuckled, a soft sigh of a thing. 

“Y’alright?” he asked, lowering his voice as he leaned in just the slightest. 

You glanced over at Tommy, finding him in the midst of a debate with Maria. Turning back to Joel, you twisted your mouth and shrugged. “I’m good. Just…fighting the awkwardness.”

“What’s awkward?” he asked, turning to face you better. “Are you…regrettin’ things?”

You were quick to shake your head, your eyes softening as you noticed the brief look of panic in his. “No. No, not anything like that. Just…you know. Tommy.”

He let out a sigh, nodding his head. “Don’t worry ‘bout that. I told you, I could care less about what went on between y’all.”

“And what happens when he tries to flirt with me in front of you?” you asked, smirking as you tipped your chin to look up at him. 

“Someone’s got an ego,” he teased, his smile enough to make you weak in the knees. “I don’t think we’ll have to worry ‘bout all that. He seems awfully interested in your friend.”

You turned to check the two of them out, and just as Joel said, Tommy looked as smitten as a schoolboy over Maria. “Well, look at that.”

“Mmhm,” Joel hummed in agreement. “Stars in his eyes and everything.” 

“Why don’t you look at me like that?” you asked, just to tease him. 

“I do,” he countered, drawing your attention back to him. “Just not when you’re lookin’.”

“Is that right?” 

“Mmhm.”

“Then how come you act like I’m not in the room whenever I come over with my dad?” You crossed your arms over your chest, pushing your cleavage together just to watch his eyes fall to it. 

“Because I like bein’ alive,” he said, chuckling. “But don’t think for a minute I’m not lookin’ at you every time he stops payin’ attention.” 

You smiled, rolling your eyes at him to hide the fact that inside, he was burning you alive with his words. Melting you to the fucking core. 

“What’re y’all talkin’ about?” Tommy asked, ruining the moment. 

“Just brainstormin’ ideas for y’all’s weddin’,” Joel said, the lie smooth as silk on his tongue. “I’m assumin’ we’re gonna be the best man and maid of honor. Only right given that we were here the first time y’all laid eyes on eachother.” 

“Shut up,” Tommy said, chuckling as he tried to hide the flush in his cheeks. Maria, however, didn’t bother to deny it. 

“I’m thinking Vegas for the bachelorette party,” she said, looking at you. “Hire as many strippers as you want.”

“Y’all are stupid,” Tommy chuckled again, shaking his head before leaning over to counter to order another round of shots. “You’re payin’, right, Joel?”

“Mmhm.”

“Then make it top shelf,” Tommy said to the bartender. “Gotta treat my future wife.”

“Technically, it’s Joel who’s treating your future wife,” you said, earning a laugh from Maria. 

“Yeah, why don’t I go talk to him instead?” 

You bit your lip to keep yourself from declaring him taken, the jealousy brewing in your chest foreign and entirely baseless. 

“Come on, Joel,” Maria said, walking over to loop her arm in his—the entire time keeping her eyes on Tommy just to watch him bite his tongue. “Come have a cigarette with me outside.”

“I don’t smoke,” Joel said, his eyes glancing your way. 

“Then come watch me smoke,” she said, tugging him to follow her. 

You could only stand there and watch as she dragged him off into the back patio of the bar, leaving you alone with Tommy. 

“I’m gonna marry that woman,” Tommy declared, watching her sway her hips as she walked off. 

“Joel might beat you to the punch,” you muttered, folding your arms over the counter to stare blankly ahead at the wall of liquor in front of you. It beat watching Maria walk off with the man of your dreams. 

“Nah, he’s seein’ somebody,” Tommy said. “Won’t tell me shit about it, but he seems into her.”

You smiled to yourself, feeling a bit of relief. 

“I think it’s that girl that moved in a few houses down from y’all,” he added. “Ava, I think. Pretty blonde, has a daughter around Sarah’s age. He was actin’ flirty when we went over to help fix her water heater a couple of days ago.”

Well, there went the relief. 

Ava…the name was unfamiliar, as was her description. But it wasn’t like you made a habit of going around to meet your neighbors. Joel, apparently, was more than happy to do just that.  

“What about you?” Tommy asked, nudging your side. “Still not ready for the whole datin’ thing?”

“No,” you managed. “Thought I might be, but…I don’t know anymore.”

“You’ll find somebody,” he assured, the words that were meant to be comforting only sounded patronizing. “Just gotta keep your mind open.” 

“Hey, I’m not feeling good. Could you tell Maria that I decided to go home?” You weren’t about to just stand here and fake a smile when jealousy was tearing through you, alluring your mood and stomach. 

“Yeah, you alright?” He furrowed his brows at you, concerned and confused. 

“The alcohol’s not mixing well with my dinner,” you lied. “Just gonna go home and lay down.”

“Alright, well, I’ll call you a cab.” 

Twenty minutes later, you were back at home, all alone. Your dad had gone off to Vic’s place again for the weekend, and though you’d normally be glad to have the place to yourself, it just seemed so dark and lonely now. You wanted him around to distract you with boring conversation, to throw on one of his old action movies so that you could tune out your inner thoughts. But now, all you had to cling to was silence. 

Somehow, you found yourself out in the backyard eating the burger and fries you had delivered to your door, the night sky clear overhead. You sipped your soda and chewed mindlessly as you stared up at them, praying that a shooting star would streak across the sky just so that you could wish on it. You wouldn’t ask for much. Just for Joel to finally be yours. 

You’d come so close, your date with him fooling you into believing that the stars had aligned. But tonight threw that all off. 

Even if he was being flirty with you, even if he did look at you with the same twinkling brown eyes Tommy had fixed on Maria, that wouldn’t help the fact that you’d never get to claim him like you wanted to. Be it Tommy or your dad, someone was bound to get hurt if they found out about the two of you. Not to mention this Ava that Joel was apparently flirting with. 

Hope slipped through your fingers like water, leaving you with nothing but the chill of your reality. You’d never have him. Not completely. Maybe not at all. 

It was nearing one in the morning when your phone began to ring on your bedside table. You scrambled for it in a half-conscious haze, blindly accepting the call in case it was Maria. 

“Hello?” you said, your voice groggy with exhaustion. 

“Hey.” The sound of Joel’s voice shooed away any hopes of going back to sleep. You sat upright, pulling the phone away to check that it was, indeed, Joel who was calling. 

“Joel? What—what’s going on?” 

He sighed, the sound drawn out. “Well, one minute I’m standin’ outside with your friend, givin’ her Tommy’s entire life story, and the next, Tommy’s walkin’ over, tellin’ us you’d gone home. Didn’t say goodbye or anythin’.”

You let out a breath through your nostrils and sagged your shoulders. 

“I just wasn’t having a good time,” you admitted. “Didn’t want to ruin everyone’s fun with my bad mood.”

“You weren’t in a bad mood before I left,” he countered. “So what happened? Tommy say somethin���?”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes at no one. “Yeah, he said something about you flirting with a girl named Ava earlier this week. Ring any bells?”

“I wasn’t flirtin’ with her,” he argued. “Tommy might’ve thought I was, since he doesn’t know the difference between bein’ polite and tryin’ to get into someone’s pants, but I was just bein’ neighborly.”

“Yeah, just like you’re only being neighborly with me.” You shocked even yourself with your tone, the clipped bit of attitude that you’d never once given him.  

Another sigh slipped from him, along with a muttered curse. “Can you come downstairs and let me in so we can talk about this face to face? I’m not doin’ this over the phone.”

“There’s no point,” you said, though you found yourself doing exactly as he asked. “You have every right to flirt with other people. Just wish you would’ve told me about it so that I could move on.”

“Honey, I promise you, I wasn’t—“ You cut Joel off by opening the front door, finding him pacing on your doorstep with one hand rubbing his temples. He let it fall as he took you in, your old sleeping shirt and bare face, your frown and your arms crossed. Joel slipped his phone into his pocket and shook his head, his eyes softening. “I wasn’t flirtin’ with that Ava lady. Believe me or don’t, but I take this—“ He gestured between the two of you. “Seriously. I’m not lookin’ for anything else. I don’t want you to move on. I want…”

“What do you want, Joel?” 

“God, I want you.” He took a step towards you, and you allowed it. You might’ve even leaned in when he lifted a hand to cup your face. “I know I can’t give you what you deserve. You’ll have to hide and lie, sneak around and make excuses, but honey, I’m ready to do all that, too. I’ll lie to whoever I have to lie to, I’ll make the excuses so you don’t have to. Whatever it takes to have you, because I’ve wanted you from the minute I saw you.”

You knew this wasn’t going to end well. That be it you, or Joel, or Tommy, or your dad—someone was going to walk away upset. But god, when he looked at you like that…nothing else seemed to matter. You’d lie, too. You’d do whatever you had to do, just like he would, because despite all the roadblocks, your heart had chosen him. And it would continue to choose him, no matter the cost. 

“Joel,” you sighed, tugging him close by his shirt until he was pressed against you. He tilted your head back to slant his lips against yours, slow and careful at first before both of you grew too needy to care. 

He walked you back into the house, kicking the door shut behind him, all the while continuing to map the curve of your lips with his. “Tell me you want this, baby.”

You moaned against his lips, nodding your head as he pressed you against the wall. 

“Uh-uh,” he tutted with a smirk, pulling away with a shake of his head as he held your face in the palms of his hands. “Tell me. I wanna hear it from these pretty lips.”

“I want you, Joel.” You lifted your hands to the back of his neck, pulling him in again to kiss him slow and deep. One of Joel’s hands slid down to your waist, squeezing you tight against his body as he pinned you to the wall. You let a hand wander down his chest and stomach until you were cupping him through the soft denim of his jeans. “I want this.”

Joel groaned, pushing his arousal into your palm as he trailed his lips down your neck. You canted your head, giving him room to suck a mark against your thumping pulse, a soft sigh escaping your lips. “Better take me upstairs, otherwise I might just fuck you here against the wall.”

You liked that idea. 

So much, in fact, that you took it upon yourself to pop open the button of his jeans, tugging his zipper down to emphasize your point. 

“Fuck me,” you purred, slipping your hand beneath the cotton of his briefs to grasp the warm velvet of his cock. “Right here.”

“You’re gonna kill me,” he sighed, pulling away and taking the warmth of his body with him. But before you had the chance to pout over it, Joel was crouching to the floor in front of you, his hands roaming up your bare legs. “These fuckin’ thighs…want ‘em wrapped around my head ‘til I suffocate.”

You giggled, combing his hair back. “I prefer you alive.” 

He smiled, leaning in to kiss the inside of your thigh as he hiked your leg to rest on his shoulder. “Least I’d die a happy man.” 

You grinned down at him as he trailed his lips across the soft, sensitive skin of your inner thigh, inching closer and closer to the area that throbbed with need. You lifted the hem of your sleep shirt to watch as he pressed a kiss against your clothed seam, his nose brushing against your clit. “Fuck, Joel.”

He hummed at the desperation in your voice, hooking his fingers into the side of your underwear to tug them to the side, exposing your wetness to the cool air around you. Dragging his thumb against your arousal, he pressed and circled it when it reached your clit, sending a heavenly strike of pleasure down your spine. “Look at that. Such a pretty fuckin’ pussy, honey.” 

His words and ministrations had you tossing your head back against the wall with a dull thump. 

This man was going to kill you, and god, you would go gladly.

“Look at me when I eat your pretty pussy, baby,” he commanded, bringing your hooded eyes back to him. “That’s it.”

He kept his eyes locked on yours as he leaned in, dragging the flat of his tongue up your seam and moaning at the taste. Your face scrunched up in pleasure, your fingers tightening their hold on his chocolate waves. “Fuck, y’taste so good, baby.” 

“Shit, Joel,” you whined, your hips bucking instinctively every time he swirled the tip of his tongue over your clit. 

Oral had never felt this good before. It had always been enjoyable, but never enough to bring you to the edge. But Joel kept you there the moment his tongue touched you, as if he had a special, sinful superpower he was keeping to himself. 

How on earth did his exes want anything more than this, right here? This beautiful man, his warm hands, his skilled tongue, those eyes that screamed adoration? 

You shoved them out of your mind. You wouldn’t waste a minute of this pleasure by giving them any attention. They’d made their choice, and now you were reaping the benefits of it. 

Joel’s lips molded around your clit, sucking the swollen bud into his mouth between swirls of his tongue, the tempo driving you closer to the edge with each switch. When he guided two thick fingers into your fluttering cunt, the dam inside you broke. You writhed against him, fucking those fingers deeper as your hips bucked against his mouth, curses and praise filling the silent room along with the wet sound of him drinking down your arousal until you felt boneless. 

“So fuckin’ sweet,” Joel murmured, kissing your sensitive clit softly before rising to his feet. He held your face in his hands, sharing your taste with you as he kissed you, his tongue dancing with yours. 

“Joel,” you whined, tugging at the waistband of his unbuttoned jeans. “I need you inside of me.”

He growled at that, turning you around to face the wall. “Yeah, you want my cock, baby?”

“Mmhm,” you moaned. You listened as he slid his jeans down to his knees before feeling him do the same to your underwear. 

“You want it inside?” he purred, slapping the heft of his thick cock against the flesh of your ass. “Want me to fuck you nice and deep?”

Shivers covered your arms in goosebumps in response to the beautiful filth slipping from his lips. “Yes, please.”

“Love it when you say please like that,” he murmured against the shell of your ear, his hips thrusting as he sandwiched his cock between the globes of your ass, teasing you with what was to come. “Wanna hear you say it again.”

“Please, Joel,” you whined, arching your back to meet his thrusts. “I want it so bad.”

“Good fuckin’ girl,” he groaned, one hand leaving your hip to grip his cock. He slid the fat tip of it across your wetness, coating himself in it before pressing lightly against your entrance. “Want you t’use your words when I’m fuckin’ you, baby. Alright? Tell me what you need.”

“Okay,” you managed, biting your lip as you turned your head to the side to watch him through your periphery. 

“So fuckin’ good,” he mumbled, shaking his head as a smile brightened his face. 

He didn’t keep you waiting long, his cock pressing into you slowly to give you time to adjust to his size until you’d swallowed him down to the base. Joel let out a ragged groan at the way your walls squeezed him in welcoming, his grip on your hips turning rough as he dragged himself out to the tip before slamming back in. You held onto the wall for purchase as his thrusts came on sharp and deep and deadly accurate. 

“Fuck, it feels so good right there,” you whined, clawing at the wall as he snapped his hips against your ass, the room filling with a lewd slap. 

“Yeah?” He narrowed the aim of his thrusts to target that spongy soft spot deep inside, making your stomach clench and thighs tingle. “Right there?”

“Fuck, yes,” you cried, reaching one hand back to rest on his hip. “Don’t fucking stop.”

“Uh-uh,” he promised, drilling into that spot like his life depended on it. “Not gonna stop ‘til I feel you comin’ all over me, baby.”

“Shit!” Your knees buckled so much that Joel had to wrap an arm around your waist just to hold you up, his free hand moving to your clit to rub circles into it. “Joel, I’m so fucking close!”

“That’s it, baby,” he growled, pressing a kiss to the side of your face. “G’on and come for me.” 

You let out a strangled sob and went lax in his arms, your climax spreading from the tip of your head down to your toes as he fucked you deep and slow, drawing it out until you were sure you’d blackout. 

“Where d’you want me?” he asked, his chest heaving against yours. 

“Inside,” you panted, only half-there, the other half lost in bliss. 

“Fuck.” Joel moaned into your ear, the sound sending another pulse of pleasure down your spine, making your walls squeeze him as he spilled deep inside your cunt. “Fuck.”

The two of you stood there, leaning your weight against the wall as you caught your breath, a comfortable silence washing over you. Your thighs were weak and trembling when he slipped out and pulled away, forcing you to cling to the wall for support. Joel turned you around to face him, a grin that spread from ear to ear on his face as he took you in. 

“Fuck, you’re pretty when you’re fucked out,” he said, leaning in to kiss your lips. “How was I?”

You laughed, shaking your head. “Too good. Suspiciously good.” 

He helped you over to the couch after buttoning his pants and helping you slip back into your underwear, plopping down beside your pleasure-limp form. “I’m gonna get addicted to watchin’ you come like that.” 

You rolled your eyes at him and snuggled into his chest, breathing in his familiar warm scent. “Not to do the whole ‘what are we’ thing, but—“

“I’m yours if you’ll have me,” he said, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “It’ll be hard to figure out, sure, but I’m committed to this.”

“Well, then so am I,” you said, tilting your head up to look at him—his flushed cheeks, his hooded eyes, that satisfied smile. 

All of it was beautiful and addictive and ruinous. 

And the best part was that it was all because of you.

[blushstories]

you hide an injury from joel after your patrol shift | hurt/comfort, slight angst

i had two versions for this and they will be split with a —— so please enjoy either or both!

five runners. five bullets. the run down store’s only light came from broken windows and missing roof tiles, and you’ve backed yourself into a corner so that nothing can sneak up on you. your torch casts shadows behind them and they approach in a line. you send a bullet through a head, a kneecap and its head, a neck. you duck one clawing at you and shoot up once from the floor. the screeching doesn’t end, and you pull the trigger again to hear an empty click. your heart stutters, your breath hitches, and you kick at the runner’s leg to send it to the floor, and aim another at its head as you scramble to your feet. you holster your gun and reach for your flipknife. but your pocket is empty. you dig into it a bit more, stepping backwards as the runner recovers, but it’s not there.

you want to scream. not in fear, in fury. a glint catches your eye and your torch has caught the blade of your knife on the floor. the runner charges, and you launch yourself next to your knife, slamming into the floor at full force. you grab it, roll onto your back and catch the incoming infected as it jumps on top of you. gripping it at its shoulder, you stab the knife into its chest, its neck, its temple, until it ceases its movements. its blood seeps through your fingers, dripping onto your chest. with a cry of relief you shove it off of you and wipe your knife on your jeans before pocketing it. its only when you try to sit up that you feel it. a sharp, hot pain in your side, forcing you to lie back again. you glance at the lifeless runner next to you, a distant pang entering your heart at the person they used to be.

you wince as you try to sit up again, inhaling sharply as you peel your shirt away from your side. and there it was, a neat shard of glass wedged into your skin.

—————— track 1 starts here ———————

“oh, fuck.” you sniff, blinking up at the sky. deep breath. removing it might make you bleed out, and you know maria could help you. not tommy; he’d blab to joel, who’s already not keen about you going on patrol on your own. but he has things to do in jackson, you couldn’t let him risk his life out here. it only takes one wrong move.

you lie back, and gently roll over until you’re on your knees, trying to keep your torso as straight as possible. using a nearby shelf, you pull yourself up. it’s fine. it’s not bleeding too much, just leaking here and there. you check again and swipe it up with your thumb. you’re not too far from jackson, you think as you reach your horse. riding on horseback would definitely fuck up your insides, so you decided on a gentle walk. you don’t have much daylight left though, so you try to get a move on.

the sun is kissing the horizon by the time you see jackson again, and the doors open as you approach, as if they had been waiting for you. your feet feel numb, and you’re trying to stand up as straight as you can without wincing. the intruder in your side causing a deep, aching throb. you let go of the reins and let your horse run off towards the stables, right before you hear your name echoing across the courtyard. tommy slips down the ladder from the watchtower like it’s slick with grease, his boots barely touching one rung before it’s met the other.

he bounds towards you, forehead glistening, and slams into your good side with his arms around you. you bite your tongue at the force, feeling the glass slicing into you more. but you mustve let some sound out, becaus tommy pulls away and holds you at arms length.

he breathes your name, eyes assessing you. “jesus. you look— joel’s been about to send a search party for you.”

“it’s not my blood,” you lie. then you sniff, briefly breaking eye contact. “not all of it. where’s maria?”

tommy freezes for a nanosecond, eyes boring into yours. he knows, but he doesn’t ask, using two fingers against your forearm to nudge you into following him. he doesn’t pay any extra attention, as you walk past jesse, dina, and ellie, he probably doesn’t want any sort of rumour to find its way back to joel. and for that, you’re grateful. you smile at ellie on your way past, hand hovering over your wound to hide the bloodstain that was yours. she smiles back, you think. you’ve turned the corner before you and tommy are alone.

“you can’t tell joel.” you say. just then, your foot lands in a hole of land a lot deeper than you’re expecting, sending a painful jolt through your right side, exploding into the wound. you catch yourself on a nearby porch as your knees respond poorly to the shockwave through your body.

“woah,” tommy grips your arms carefully, avoiding your wound. “you’re kidding. he’ll find out when you tell him.” he helps you walk the little bit further to his house.

“no way. he’ll never let me patrol solo again!” tommy looks at you, eyebrows raised.

“is that such a bad thing?” he pushes the door open and shouts for maria to clear the table for an emergency. you hear a clattering and tommy shifts beside you. “sorry, darlin’,” he murmurs, swooping beneath your knees to pick you up and place you on the table. you wince and swallow your cries of pain, hearing his whispers of “i know, i know. shh.” in your ear.

you feel a soft towel beneath you and maria’s supplies are spread on a small table nearby. she’s quick to business, slowly pulling up your shirt just enough to reveal the glass, which to your horror has dug itself deeper into you.

“it’s not that big, right?” you breathe lightly. but you eye tommy in the doorway, whose hand is covering his mouth, raking through his scruff.

“christ.” he says into his palm.

“i need your shirt off,” maria says calmly, and with that tommy spins on his heel and leaves, the door closing quietly behind him. you hold your arms up and allow maria to pull your bloodsoaked shirt off of you, before you hear a flannel being wrung into a bowl of water. it’s warm against your skin, the blood and dirt disappearing. but she’s delaying the inevitable.

she has a pillow under your head, and passes you a dry flannel.

“put it in your mouth,” she says. “i don’t have painkillers.” you do as she says as she readies two pairs of medium tweezers, a lot of gauze and some thread. you feel sick at the sight of it and prefer not to look. so you watch the ceiling as maria counts down, and on two, your skin feels as if it’s being ripped through by a chainsaw. you have to bite your scream into the cloth in your mouth, slapping a hand on top to muffle the sound even more. you’re gripping your own face with such force that you know you’ve left marks behind when maria pauses. she wipes at your forehead with the wet flannel and says she’s giving you a break. you shake your head as a tear slides down your temple and dissolves into your hairline.

“just do it, don’t care. hurts enough,” you mumble, head feeling as if it’s floating away.

“you could pass out. i am not having joel at my ankles for that,” she says, with care. she strokes your head lovingly, and purses her lips. she asks you if you’re ready and you nod.

“the whole thing,” you say, not daring to glance down. maria doesn’t reply, but she readies the tweezers. she takes a breath. and the pain returns. your body shakes as maria tries her best to steadily extract the glass, and you feel something dislodge. maria swears, and somewhere far away, you hear an argument.

the door slams open. the jolt in the room sends a searing pain through to your head, and your throat feels shredded.

“shit, joel!” maria shouts. he’d heard your screams due to the open kitchen window, and fought tommy while he was standing guard at the door.

“what the fuck happened?” joel shouts, stalking towards the table. tommy slips in front of him, hands on his chest shoving him back.

“wait; let her finish. you don’t want this to be worse. trust me.” there’s something serious in his tone that would even make you shut up. joel freezes, and watches maria dump the shard onto the table before starting on plugging the gushing of blood that’s just left your body.

with a deep throbbing ache remaining, you’re too tired to keep your arm up, dropping the cloth away from your mouth as you try to catch your breath. you consciousness is floating away, your eyes unfocused, breaths fractured. joel bats tommy’s arm away and he’s on his knees next to your head, smoothing the hairs away from your sticky forehead. you hold your breath as maria increases pressure on your wound, and joel takes your hand in his.

“that’s it, sweetheart, take it out on me,” joel mumbles into your temple. you squeeze his hand and groan in pain, feeling nausea creep into your throat.

maria’s recruited tommy. he opens a bottle of alcohol and douses a clean rag in it, muttering an apology as he sets your wound alight. joel watches in horror as your body convulses, sees the oozing wound and hoping the blood is only making it seem worse. your forehead is slick with sweat, and you’re only half conscious, murmuring his name while existing on a different planet.

“oh, baby,” he whispers, shoulders hitched high. you’ve started breathing heavily, and he doesn’t relax until maria begins stitching, then eventually wrapping your body. joel helps to hold you up enough, cradling your head and keeping your shoulders up. when maria cleans you up as much as she can, joel whisks you from the table to the couch, pulling up a blanket to your chin to protect your dignity.

when you come to, he’s on the floor, back to the coffee table. he’s kept his head up with his arm braced on his knees as he dozes. you stir, and he snaps to attention. your breath catches in your throat, and you can’t stop yourself blabbing, “joel, it was an accident, ‘m fine, please don’t worry.”

he wants to be mad, he really does. he wants to hit you with a “what were you thinkin’?” but you’re so tired, and your voice is all pebbly, and he doesn’t have it in him. he’s soft on you.

so all he says is, “i know. but i will. and we gotta talk about this soon.” you swallow the rocks in your throat, but you nod. maybe it’s time to stop being a lone wolf. an extra gun could save your life, after all.

———————— track 2 starts here ————————

you stare at it for a few moments in disbelief. heat pools behind your eyes and you take a sharp inhale. the runner twitches next to you and your heart flies into your mouth. you think your wound isn’t hurting as much as it should do, but you’re putting it down to adrenaline.

“fuck me, i guess,” you mutter to yourself shakily, pulling yourself onto your knees and hauling yourself up. should you pull it out? maybe it will fall out itself, it doesn’t seem lodged too deep. you wince with each step you take, and consider using your walkie talkie to call for backup. but you want to deal with this yourself.

the route back has a noticeable lack of infected, which you’re grateful for. your horse, gale, nudges at your shoulder when you seem to slow down, but the pins and needles in your feet can’t be reasoned with.

“‘s fine, gale. we’re almost there,” you say blearily, watching jackson appear dead ahead.

your feet drag against the ground, and your hand is slick holding onto gale’s reins. there’s a strange smell in your nose. pain. it’s metallic and stale, and your eyes feel too heavy for midday.

you don’t know how you find the strength to shout for the gate to open, but you do, and you slide in — they only open it a crack for patrols. you jolt slightly, thinking you’ve nicked the shard on the side of the gate, and with your next step you realise you have. your smile turns wonky, and instead of greeting tommy as usual, you settle on a wave.

you leave gale with the rest of the horses and stumble towards your house, where joel is working in the front yard. his muscles flex underneath his flannel as he moves a bucket of something to one side. he catches a glimpse of you approaching as he sets it down, and you try straightening up. heat rushes from the wound to your face, and you sniff away any cry of pain.

“hey, sweetheart,” he says, voice dripping with honey. he pulls off some heavy gloves and turns around with a smile, wiping his forearm across his forehead. it drops as soon as he sees you. his eyebrows set and his eyes narrow.

“what happened?” he asks, the words stale. you shuffle forwards, aming to dodge him.

“a successful patrol, if you must know. ganked a bunch of infected. i want a shower though,” you say, a little too fast. joel chucks the gloves to one side and doesn’t break eye contact.

“you’re standin’ funny,” he says. you try to play it off.

“you think i stand funny?” you feign hurt.

“knock it off. are you hurt? i need to know, baby,” his mask cracks. there’s a stab in your heart, and your side.

“i’ll get back to you on that,” you begin, sliding past him and climbing the stairs of the porch, using your arm more than your legs to pull you up. but you’ve crunched your side too hard, and you feel the shard begin to pop out. you’re glad you’re facing away from joel as your face crumples in agony, the electric hot wound sending prickles through your entire body. “but right now—“ you wince halfway, “i need a shower.”

the toe of your shoe catches the tip of the last step and you fly forwards, onto your hands and knees. you hear your name behind you and then you feel him. hands. on your shoulders, on your hips. you’ve frozen as the pain rockets through you, stealing your breath and your composure.

“fuck. jesus, fuck.” he’s turned you over and has spotted an angry red patch on your shirt. and it’s growing. he’s so mad. but your eyes are drooping and your eyebrows are all creased. so he bites the inside of his cheek in panic. he taps your cheek with his fingers. “stay with me, now. hold on sweetheart,” he says. you’re whimpering because you need to bite your tongue in case you scream. “you gotta—“ he sniffs harshly through his nose, “you gotta let me help you.”

his hand grasps your shirt and pulls it up. with wide eyes, he whips his head around to scan the immediate area, spotting ellie and jesse emerging nearby. he shouts for help even though his tongue feels numb. he can’t put pressure on the wound — for obvious reasons — but blood’s pooling onto the porch and he feels sick because if you don’t pull through, and the wood is stained forever…

footsteps thunder through your head, and there’s a murmuring that buzzes through your consciousness and you’re falling from joel, further and further.

you wake up in your bed. the sheets are soft and you feel clean. even though joel sleeps next to you routinely, he’s now slumped in a chair, arms folded tightly across his chest and chin falling into his neck. you lift up the sheet covering your body and eye the neat bandage around you, with only a faint patch of red seeping through. your throat is dry, and you feel so tired; a dry crackling at the back of your throat sends you into a coughing fit. the action jerks your wound which in turn remixes your coughs into cries of pain.

joel stirs, then, and his head snaps up. his eyes are bleary until he realises that you’re awake, so he reaches for a glass of water on the side and stumbles over to you. he slowly tips it into your mouth and the cool liquid tastes like gold. you tap his wrist twice so that he doesn’t accidentally waterboard you, and he listens. your coughs die down and you put pressure on your wound in case it makes it hurt less. and then he settles next to you.

“how’re ya feeling?” he says. you nod.

“‘M alive.” you aren’t sure what to say. there’s an elephant in the room, and you’re too scared to address it. joel isn’t, though.

“i don’t know why you’re so reckless. why you try to hide it from me.” he averts his gaze, but it’s clearly planets away. “i’m not putting you on patrol again,” he says. your jaw falls.

“what? but it’s the only job i’m good at!” you insist. “i didn’t say anything because i knew you’d say that.”

joel runs his hand down his scruff. “you could’ve died. hell, you almost did and it wasn’t even a fuckin’ infected.” you know he’s reliving something that you can’t remember.

“exactly, it was an accident. c’mon joel. next time—“

“there won’t be a next time. don’t you get it? next time, a clicker eats your throat. next time, runners take you down. next time, a bloater rips your jaw open—“

“joel, stop—“ you cringe at his graphic monologue.

“no, i won’t stop. you’re a smart girl; why aren’t you acting like it? i’m not letting you out of my sight,” his voice cracks imperceptibly, “m not gonna lose you.”

oh. that’s why he’s lashing out.

“you won’t. okay? you won’t. can we please work this out later? i’m very good at compromising,” you say, your hand finding his jaw and pushing him to look at you. he does, and there’s care in his eyes. he squeezes your hand and inhales steadily, blinking back something.

“okay, fine,” he says. “do you need anything?”

you shake your head, biting back a smile, “just you.” you pat the bed next to you and wait patiently for joel — now suppressing a smile — to stalk around the bed, toe of his boots, and lie next to you. you lean up against him as much as possible, already drifting again into sleep. there’s a soft kiss to your head, and you’re smiling in your sleep.

[viridescent-din]

benevolence

you always imagined it your first kiss would be... softer, than it ends up being. but it’s joel. you probably should have known.

smut, 18+. age gap. joel is a grumpy old man who hates himself and reader is down bad.

~

The first time Joel kisses you, it isn’t romantic.

It’s angry - he’s angry. The clicker that just had its hands on you lies motionless a few feet away, mouth frozen in the open position it was in when Joel shot it. Joel is checking you over relentlessly for bites. He’s running his hands over your waist, flashing his light on your neck... fuck, he’s even tugging up the cuffs of your jeans to check your ankles.

“You don’t do that,” he pants, fuming once he knows you’re okay. You’re adrenalized, shaken up and not working off your best judgment. You meet Joel’s eyes.

“Don’t do what? Be on the wrong side of the room? Have the batteries run out of my flashlight? This wasn’t my fault, Joel.” Joel shakes his head, pissed, and he grips the nape of your neck. You didn’t even realize his hand is still there, sturdy and calloused. You bite your cheek. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Shut up,” Joel growls, and it makes you even more upset.

“I didn’t - stop blaming me. Stop making me feel like a dumbass, because I’m trying and I’m tired but I’m still better than half the people in the Q -”

Joel cuts you off before you can keep egging either of you on, his lips connecting with yours in a harsh and almost painful way. Your teeth clash, and Joel kisses you with so much force you almost fall, the only thing saving you being his strong arm wrapping around your back. You open your mouth, probably from shock, and Joel’s tongue does a quick sweep around the cavern when you do. Your hands fly up to Joel’s chest instinctively for balance, and you can feel his racing heartbeat under your palm. It makes you falter. You didn’t realize he was so worried.

You’re just starting to ease into it Joel stops.

His teeth catch your bottom lip as he pulls away, and you both taste blood. Joel steps away, the both of you just staring at each other, panting.

“Do you get it?” He asks, voice gruff. “Don’t fucking do that.”

You blink, years of pining and want pouring over you. You swallow, tasting just a bit of what you think is Joel.

“Yeah,” you tell him. “I get it.”

~

The second time isn’t any more passionate. It’s done to prove a point, just like the first.

You’re leaning against the counter as you drink at the bar, still trying to wrap your head around this actual town Tommy is living in. It feels so real - like the flashes of memory you have of the world before the outbreak. You’re shivering a bit, your hair still wet from the shower you took. The shower with warm water. Joel is back at the house Tommy and Maria gave you to stay in. He insisted you shower first - he wanted to make sure that if there was hot water to use up, it was you who got it. He sent you off to the bar with the promise of meeting you there soon.

You’re drinking a whiskey neat, not because you like the drink, but because it feels warm in your chest and you know Joel will finish it. You’re sipping on it as you talk to a few men that are locals. They’re a bit older than you, but definitely younger than Joel. They seem nice, better than the lecherous creeps you keep managing to find on your journey (infected or not). One of them works in the stables, taking care of the horses. You smile as you listen to him talk about them. You think you can remember a few girls in elementary school who had farms and horses before everything broke down.

A hand slides around your waist as you’re talking, and you have to crane your neck to see Joel appearing next to you. He’s much taller without a backpack: less weighed down. His shoulders are relaxed and broad. You forget how to breathe for a moment, utterly taken by him.

“Hi,” you say softly. Joel doesn’t acknowledge it. You can feel the anger permeating off him, it’s more present than the hand he has that’s now gripping your side. You blink. “Joel.”

Joel looks down at you, his eyes flickering back and forth between you and the men. He brings his free hand up to your face, cupping your jaw. This time you know, you aren’t surprised when his lips meet yours.

You’re pissed at Joel - you’re furious that he’s doing this again, touching you without any indication for months that it’s something he wants. You know Joel feels for you, but when he only confirms it so damn scarcely, it’s easy for you to doubt. You try to steel yourself, only let him in so deep, but Joel is already with you, whether he’s touching you or not. The two of you are permanently connected, just like anyone else who’s ever survived together. Despite your best efforts, you melt into him, holding onto the lapels of the jacket Joel told you he got from trading with Bill.

By the time you pull away, your potential friends are already muttering among themselves, making up excuses to leave. They exit, giving you and Joel the entirety of the counter. You shake your head, turning so you aren’t facing Joel. You give it a few minutes, then walk out in the direction of the house. You’ve barely made it out the door of the bar when Joel pulls you into the little alley next to it.

“Joel, stop. It’s snowing. I didn’t bring a coat.” Joel pulls his off, wrapping it around you. You scoff, but don’t turn it down. “Joel -”

“Didn’t want them getting the wrong idea.” He interrupts you. You stare at Joel, incredulous.

“And what wrong idea is that, Joel?” You ask, then don’t let him answer. “They were nice. Just welcoming one of the new strangers to town.”

“They weren’t just being nice.”

“Yes, Joel, they were. Have you already forgotten about that ambush that happened when we got here? This place isn’t about to let in any assholes. Not the type you’re accusing those guys of being, at least.” Joel sets his jaw, taking a step towards you. You back up as he approaches until you hit the wall of the bar. You let out a breathe, one you can see. It’s fucking cold. You don’t know how Joel isn’t shivering, his freshly showered wet hair glistening in the light of the few street lamps.

“They needed to know,” Joel says. He’s so close to you. You smell the shampoo and soap that Maria has given him, but underneath that, he’s still Joel. Musky and experienced. Territorial. You can’t help being mad at him, but you’re terrible at committing to it.

“They need to know what?” Joel doesn’t answer. He places his hands on either side of you, caging you in. He won’t look at you. You raise your arms, placing your hands on Joel’s. You slip your thumbs under the long sleeves on his shirt, rubbing at Joel’s lifeline. His lips part as he exhales. “Joel, nobody can know about this when you won’t even say anything about it to me.”

You expect Joel to fight, maybe chastise you, but he doesn’t. He slumps against you, head buried in your chest and arms wrapping around your torso in a crushing bear hug. You blink, caught off guard, but you recover quickly, throwing one hand around Joel’s shoulders and bringing the other to massage the nape of his neck. You can feel the fight leaving Joel, just for a moment. You wonder what’s softening him: the shower, the almost normal town, finding Tommy.

You.

Joel doesn’t do this. You don’t know anything about his life before the outbreak, but you know he hasn’t loved many people. He’s approaching this in all the wrong ways, but he doesn’t know any better. He has to re learn, and you have to learn for the first time.

All Joel needs right now is a little reassurance.

“Joel. Joel. Baby,” you whisper in his ear, pressing your lips to his temple. “They didn’t want anything from me. And it wouldn’t matter if they did. They’re nothing.” Joel’s fingers dig into your ribs, and you can tell you’re going to bruise. You don’t care. “They’re nothing. I don’t care about them. I don’t care about anyone here.”

You close your eyes, burying your nose in the side of Joel’s neck and inhaling. You let Joel surround you, take up all your senses. You posture up, taking Joel with you. You take his face in your hands, your lips brushing over his forehead, cheeks, nose. You kiss the patches in his beard where the hair doesn’t grow, and his eyelids when his eyes drift shut. You’re overcome with affection, the feelings you push down every time you see Joel forcing themselves up. You almost want to cry. “Joel, you’re so handsome.” Joel tenses, praise unfamiliar to him, but you watch as he forces himself not to reject it. His fingers find the loops of your jeans, pulling you flush against him so there isn’t any part of you that isn’t touching. You let him. You ask for it.

“They’re not you,” you promise him. “Nobody here will ever be you.”

~

The night at the bar doesn’t magically fix everything. But it does make it harder for you and Joel to let go of each other - metaphorically and literally - so you start to sleep with him. Every night, Joel tucks you under his arm, letting you use his steady heartbeat to fall asleep to. Every morning, you wake up with the positions reversed, cradling Joel’s head to your chest.

The first time Joel has a nightmare, you think someone (something) has broken in.

You wake up to Joel thrashing, drenching the covers in a cold sweat. You grab his shoulders and shake, putting any worries about hurting Joel aside.

“Joel,” you say, your voice shaking but firm. “Wake up. Wake up,” Joel sits up, his eyes flying open. He blinks, gathering his bearings and realizing he’s safe. You pant, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. Joel flinches, so you draw it away. “Sorry,” you apologize. Joel turns, looking at you like he didn’t realize you were there. He says your name, sounding broken.

“You’re -” he says, then pauses, trying to figure what he’s trying to say. “You’re here.” You stare at him.

“Yeah, Joel.” You say. “I’m here. I’m with you.” Joel reaches for you, tugging you close and then pressing you against the sheets. He grunts, like he’s trying to make sense of everything.

“Can I - Will you let me -” Joel searches for the words, but can’t come up with them. You just nod.

“Yes,” you tell him. “You can do whatever you need. I trust you.” Joel freezes above you, almost glaring. His hands begin to toy with the hem of your shirt, and your heart begins to pound against your rib cage.

Joel slowly pulls your shirt up, dragging his mouth over every inch of skin he reveals. His chapped lips explore every curve and softness of your belly, and when you raise your arms so he can rid you of the article of clothing completely, he does the same to your breasts. It doesn’t even feel sexual, Joel isn’t licking or biting. He’s just feeling, touching. You feel dizzy, arousal pooling between your legs. You grip the sheets between your fingers.

“I’m only good for you in here,” Joel says against your skin. It sends vibrations throughout your body, you feel his voice everywhere. You shake, but you’re not cold. He sits back on his knees to look at you, so you prop yourself up on your elbows. You blink.

“I don’t know what you mean,” you admit. Joel shakes his head.

“I’m good for you here,” he gestures to the room. “And here,” he jabs a finger to his chest, over his heart, then mirrors the action on you. It kind of hurts, but you don’t show it. “But out there? I’m not a good man,” you open your mouth to protest, but Joel shuts you down with just one look. You stay silent. “I’ve done... I’ve done some bad things. Bad enough I don’t think Tommy really wanted to see me again.” Joel shakes his head. “And I - I would do those things for you. I even want to sometimes.” Your eyes widen, and Joel sees it. He sours. “Bein’ good for you means that I’m bad for everyone else. Do you get what I’m tellin’ you?” Joel’s drawl comes out as he gets more emotional. “You need to know that. And if we’re gonna keep doing this, you need to accept it too. It might not be fair. I don’t know if it is. But this is the way things are. You understand me?”

You stare at Joel, watching him bare himself to you in a way you don’t think he’s done for anyone else in a long, long, time. You suck in a shaky breath, and swallow.

“I understand you.” You pull Joel over you, looking up at him. “I still trust you.” You tell him.

Joel lets his head drop, not letting you see him. He works his way down your chest, from your collarbone to navel until he reaches the button of your jeans. Glancing at you to tell him to stop, he strips you of the pants when you don’t. You watch as he looks at you, staring at your most intimate area, and then presses his face to the inside of your thigh. He strokes your calf.

“You don’t what you’re gettin’ yourself into.” He murmurs, almost absentmindedly.

“Yes I do,” you protest. “I’ve been with you for years, Joel. I know you as much as you’ve let me. Let me know more. Let me decide for myself.”Joel holds your gaze. You pant, throbbing. “Let me give something to you. If you don’t think I know you, or us, that’s fine. It makes me sad, but it’s fine.” Joel presses an open mouthed kiss to the meat of your thigh, and you whimper. “I know myself, though, Joel. I know what I want. It’s you. I promise. I’m trusting you, Joel. Can’t you just trust me too?”

Joel looks at you in awe, and then gives you an affectionate frown. He doesn’t say ‘okay’ or anything like that. Instead, he just ducks his head, thrusting his tongue into your sex like a starved man, and holds you down as you keen and shake.

~

Joel used to refuse to give you any sort of heightened affection, any type of intimacy. He’s getting better at that. Joel strokes your cheek when you wake up in the morning, offers you bland but hearty oatmeal when he notices you haven’t eaten. He drops to his knees the second he sees that your shoe’s come untied.

He doesn’t like it when you try to do the same. Joel’s self-hatred is so deep seated he thinks the very act of you loving him is equivalent to any act of service. When you finally convince him to let do something for him - helping him undress, washing his hair, taking his cock down your throat - you have to promise him you want it too. Only once it’s happening will Joel let himself take. He’ll stay in the shower for hours, fuck your mouth until you can’t speak.

Joel is greedy when he lets himself be. That’s why it hurts so much that he won’t have sex with you.

“It’ll change things, baby.” He tells you, trying to ease the blow. You just don’t get it.

“We’ve already changed them.” You respond, looking away. “I don’t... I don’t want to pressure you, Joel. Just tell me if that’s not what you want.”

“Hey,” Joel grips your jaw, forcing your eyes to meet his. “That’s not it. Don’t you think that.” You swallow, but nod, accepting Joel’s words. He releases you, then begins petting your side. It’s spring now. Joel looks good under the morning light from the window. “You’re sweet. You couldn’t pressure me into anything.”

He’s right. Joel is his own man. His days of being easily influenced are long gone.

~

You learn to live with it, this tiny piece of rejection. You accept that there’s something about sex that’s too much for Joel. It’s strange, because it almost hurts more than it did before you and Joel got closer. Like you’re close enough to grab what you want, but can’t quite. It’s okay, though. You want him enough to accept whatever he’ll give you, and parts of Joel is better than none of him.

You wonder if the two of you have settled. You’ve been in Jackson for six months - but it feels like years. For the first time since you can remember, you’re living instead of surviving. It’s exhilarating. You and Joel are both showing signs of domesticity: the callouses on your hands have almost entirely disappeared, and Joel’s face has gotten a bit rounder. A couple extra pounds looks good on Joel. You like knowing he isn’t running himself to the bone.

With all this extra time, Joel has started taking you out of the town so you can perfect your shooting. He sets up targets, adjusts your grip, and watches you for what seems like hours. You’re getting better, but the process is painstaking. Everyone back in the QZ knew you were much more adept with a knife.

“Knife ain’t good for infected. You have to get too close.” Joel tells you, his lips brushing the shell of your ear. His hand snakes around your hip, pulling your knife from your front pocket. He tosses it to the side. “Now you don’t have a knife. Just the gun.” Joel points over your shoulder and at the target. “Shoot.”

You hit the target five times in the row.

You squeal in excitement, jumping up and down and dropping the gun. You turn around and practically jump into Joel’s arms. You’re grinning, and Joel is almost smiling, which for him is a huge victory. He cups your face, thumb stroking your cheekbone before he kisses you.

You’re still smiling into Joel’s mouth, and he’s swallowing your moans as one of his hands drops from your face to your chest. He finds the hardened bud of your nipple even over the material of your shirt - you never wear bras anymore, you haven’t felt the need since coming to Jackson - and he pinches. You whimper, pleasure shooting through your veins. Joel is hard, you can see the tent in your pants, feel it against your belly. When he breaks the kisses, Joel keeps himself pressed to you.

“I need this too, baby. I need it too.” You can hear the fight in Joel’s voice, the inner turmoil. You try to say okay, but can’t find the words.

~

Joel picks you up, throws you onto your shared bed. He’s being reckless - he literally tossed the gun on the couch in the living room. It’s not loaded, but still.

Joel stands back, breathing slightly erratic, and stares at you. He eyes you hungrily, like a starving man.

He’s about to indulge.

Joel pulls his shirt over his head, and you do the same, shimmying out of your jeans. You freeze when when Joel takes off the last item of his clothes, staring. You swallow.

Joel is beautiful.

You push yourself up, crawling to the edge of the bed. You place your hands on Joel’s sides, looking up to meet his eyes. He gives you an affectionate frown, stroking your cheek. He’s so broad. You press your lips to Joel’s collarbone, then cover him in your kisses. You kiss his neck, shoulders, chest, belly. Joel groans, his hand tangling in your hair. His cock is hard against his stomach, and you give the head a quick lick, cupping his balls. Joel’s eyes fly open, and before you even know what’s happening, he’s pressed you flat against the sheets, pinning your arms above your head.

“Don’t,” Joel warns you. “It’s been too long. And you’re -” Joel cuts himself, dragging his tongue over your throat to catch a bead of sweat. He presses his length against your hip, and you gasp. “You touch me like that again and I’ll cum.”

“Joel,” you whisper, but he just shakes his head. He holds his palm out in front of your face.

“Spit,” he commands. “You’re gonna want to make it easier on yourself, darlin.’” You take a breath, your chest brushing Joel’s. You squeeze your legs together, searching for any type of friction. Your face burns. “C’mon,” Joel says, softer this time. “I’ve seen you sweatin’ with blood caked in your hair. I’ve seen at your worst. Right now I’m seein’ you at your best.” A small smile manages to crinkle the edges of Joel’s eyes. “Nothing to be embarrassed about here.”

You blink up at Joel, and realize you feel exactly the way you always do around him: safe. Free, supported. You don’t have to worry about anything, not looking pretty or being good enough. It’s Joel.

You’re with Joel.

You spit in his hand, then watch as he strokes his cock with it. He spreads the beads of pre cum on his head down the shaft too, and then runs himself through your folds. You keen instantly, the feeling unlike anything (anything) you’ve ever felt. When Joel’s head brushes your clit, you feel like you’re dying.  He lines himself up, teasing your entrance, and when Joel slides in, he keeps a careful watch of your face for any signs of pain. He takes care of you.

Joel stays still to let you adjust, and you feel him everywhere. Your body, your brain, your heart. Joel is all encompassing. He’s inescapable.

When you give Joel a small nod, he starts to move. He thrusts in an out, setting a steady pace. You grip the muscle of his arms, arching your back to get him deeper.

“That’s it,” Joel tells you. “Good job,” you clench around him at the praise, and you think you hear Joel let out a chuckle. He keeps working you open, each thrust a bit deeper until he’s buried to the hilt. You and Joel stop, both feeling. He lets out a breath, drops his face in your shoulder. Joel pulls out, then enters you again, burying himself once more. “I missed you,” he says into your skin.

For a moment, you don’t know what Joel’s talking about. You’ve been traveling with him for years, and since living in Jackson, you’ve hardly left his side.

Then you realize this is Joel’s way of telling you you’re familiar, and part of him.

You wrap one of your arms around Joel’s shoulders, link your ankles behind his hips. You pull Joel impossibly close, so close he has to abandon his idea of rubbing his thumb over your clit. He does the same to your nipple instead, pinching and pulling and driving you closer and closer to the edge. You feel sensation building in your stomach, the edges of your vision blurring.

“Joel,” you gasp. “Joel, I think.. I think I’m close.” Joel shushes you, brushing baby hairs off your forehead.

“It’s alright baby, let it go. Let me make you feel good.” He tells you. All it takes is a few more sweet nothings before your shuddering against him, riding out your high. Joel’s eyes roll to the back of his head as you clench him impossibly tight. He curses. Without a word, Joel pulls out before he can climax inside you, spurting on both of your stomachs. He collapses next you, his hand finding yours and squeezing it.

“I’m sorry it took so long,” Joel murmurs, dragging  his lips across your knuckles. You can feel his cum begin to dry on your stomach. You hum.

“Worth it,” you manage to whisper back. “You’re worth it, Joel.”

Joel turns his head, meeting your eyes, taking in all of your sincerity. For know, he doesn’t know what to do with it. But he’ll learn.

He’ll re learn. All of this - these ideas of love and mutual partnership - he’ll make it familiar again. All so he can stay close.

[minustwofingers]

exoplanet p.6 (ellie’s journals)

summary: you’ve won the life lottery as one of the few people on earth with parents who gained admittance to the most prestigous safezone in the world after the outbreak. but after a lab accident sends you out to jackson, wyoming, real life hits you fast. it’s a good thing that a hot lesbian finds u. (lol). mean ellie at first, slowburn, enemies to friends to lovers, fem reader asf

warnings: a significantly different writing voice! this is going to be a very different vibe from the other chapters since i had to write it as i imagine ellie would (which is a lot different than i do). slight nsfw content (mdni), language, mentions of violence/gore, angst, ellie’s pov is actually really depressing

a/n: soooo i know it’s been almost 3 months...and i’m really sorry about that! a lot of stuff happened in my life and i kind of fell off writing for quite some time. but i finish series, so i’m going to get through exoplanet in its entirety so i can finally give you all closure. some preliminary notes: know that these are modeled after how i imagine ellie would journal if she did journal this much. canonically she didn’t do that much writing that follows a narrative like it does here. i think it’s honestly a little ooc for her to be emotionally responsible enough to talk out her feelings, but given that there’s no other way to tell her side of the story (save for legit rewriting it from her perspective, which would take another 6 months or so and be horrifically repetitive), i decided to just suck it up and write it. i’m sorry if it sounds awkward, since she definitely doesn’t write in a voice that i have much experience with. the next chapter will be better!

word count: 5.5k

tags~ @intrnetdoll @dazedshoon @lovecaraya @pctcr @sariyaflowr @loser-keiji @prettyplant0 @666findgod @sawaagyapong @rystarkov @buzzybuzzsposts @addisonnie @galacticstxrdust @elliesbabygirl​ @pinkazelma @ariianelle @lu002 @blairfox04 @sparkleswonderland @elliesflower @muthafuckingstargirl @elliewilliamsissubermommyoml @eviestevie-14 @quicksilversg1rl @guacala @crtcrp @overtrred28

(i haven’t updated this yet bc my tags aren’t working)

a special special SPECIAL thanks to both @roarriita and @elliesflower​ for being soooo sexy and betaing for me. you both are so wonderful and helped me sm in feeling good enough to post this :)

without further ado, enjoy ellie’s journals!

January 20th, 2038

Today’s been…fucking…

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t get why this sort of shit always happens to me. First it was being bit and somehow surviving. Then it was getting carted off across the country. And now some girl basically falls out of the sky, claiming that she comes from some sort of paradise up North?

I’ll spare the immediate details. I don’t think I’ll forget the basic stuff—her name, the way she looked clutching at her knees in the clearing and shaking. That stupid shirt she had on and that expensive scarf.

I still want to believe that she’s just a liar who happened to get lucky with running into us, but even without Joel vouching for her story, I don’t think I’d ever be able to buy that she’d been living in the same world as us. I’ve never met someone without scars before. I didn’t know that there were people out there who didn’t have marked up arms and faces. Or people without calluses. Did you know that hands can be totally smooth?

Anyway. Tommy says that he’ll try and reach out across the contacts he has. Joel has her living right down the hall from me in the meantime, so now I have to share my bathroom. Hopefully the Terranovan authorities are good at finding people. She takes so fucking long to shower. It’s a wonder the whole compound still has hot water.

[One page of drawings follows: Dina smiling in the snow on her horse, Joel playing his guitar]

January 25th, 2038

Maria says that they’re thinking about breeding Shimmer soon. I know she told me because that means I’ll need to ride another horse for a little until she recovers and I know that we need another generation of foals, but it still made me cringe for Shimmer’s sake. She’s too free-spirited to be a mother. She doesn’t deserve that.

I went stargazing last night. It was pretty. Lots of shooting stars. I ran into the girl while I was coming back from the meadow. She gave me a weird look, and I could tell she wanted to ask me where I’d been but kept her mouth shut. Sometimes I regret dropping off that bag of clothes. I really fucking liked that gray sweatshirt, actually. I’m not even joking. It looks weird to see it on someone else.

[Half a page of drawing follows of the night sky with labeled constellations]

February 5th, 2038

Long time no see. I’ve been pretty busy with patrols and helping Maria with securing the walls. Joel made me try some of that coffee that our new house guest brought. It was just as awful as I remembered, but he seemed happy. So one point for the space girl. I guess.

Dina’s been hanging around more. She just broke up with Jessie (yes, again). She swears that it’s for good this time, but I’m not so sure. She also talks a lot about Y/N and what little detail she’s gathered about her life back in Terranova. I thought teasing her by asking her if she had a crush on Y/N would make her talk less about it, but it just made things worse.

I miss when things were normal.

[One page of drawings follows: one of Shimmer in cross-ties, another of a girl’s face, half-finished with the face scribbled out]

February 12th, 2038

Today I’m sad. I’m in bed with that book about astronomy that Joel nabbed for me on patrol a while ago and there’s a section I wanted to read that’s completely waterlogged. It shouldn't be a surprise. It’s decades old and has survived through an apocalypse. Normally things like this don’t bug me much because I’m so used to it. Half of my Savage Starlight collection is damaged. I don’t think I’ll ever find the first book to actually complete the series, and that’s okay, because I’ve never expected anything more. But now that I know that there’s a world out there where I’d never have problems like this, stuff like this hurts. It’s so stupid. I’m lucky to be alive. Compared to what’s left of the world population, I live a much cushier life than most. But for the first time in a while, I’m wishing for more.  

“Greed is the enemy of happiness” is what Maria would say if I ever said this kind of shit out loud. But is it really? Or is it just realizing what life can be?

[Half a page of a drawing of the solar system, with each planet labeled]

February 22nd, 2038

Maria let me pick the sire for Shimmer’s foal. It felt kind of gross, to be honest. I asked Maria if there was any way for Shimmer to choose and I was only sort of joking, but she just laughed anyway and patted my back. I won’t have to worry about finding a new horse for another two seasons or so, she told me. It’ll be weird not having her for a little.

She also told me that there was still no word from anyone who knew anything about Terranova. She said this to me in this placating voice, like she thought that I was going to punch a hole in the wall or something after hearing it. That seems to be common when it comes to people talking about Y/N and me. I don’t know why so many people think I don’t like her staying with us.

I don’t, by the way. Let me be clear. But I mostly feel indifferent about her now. She doesn’t bother me as much anymore, not since she started getting out of the house. I think she might be helping in the gardens, but I’ve never actually asked. We don’t talk a whole ton. I don’t think she likes me all that much.

[A drawing of Shimmer’s head poking over her stall door that takes up one page]

March 2nd, 2038

Today was finally our first nice day of the year. I would’ve enjoyed it more if the bird that lives in the tree outside my window hadn’t blown me out of bed at 4 in the fucking morning. I’m exhausted now. It’s been a long day. Joel says I need to take Y/N out on patrol soon. Why, I have no idea. Maybe he just wants me to actually befriend her or something, and I do nothing but patrols now. He can’t possibly expect her to be a good patrol partner.

Thankfully, I checked the logs when I came back. The route he wants me to cover with her has been the quietest all season. I doubt we’ll run into anything. If we do, I’ll probably be able to handle it. Hopefully.

[Half a page of doodles, mostly of nature and wildlife with the exception of a half-finished doodle of an arm clad in a fabric that drapes like silk and a hand with polished nails]

March 3rd, 2038

Many surprising things were learned today. I can’t believe it’s illegal to be gay in Terranova. Sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just—out of all the things they could be bothered by, it’s that? Really?

March 12th, 2038

I haven’t been good at journaling recently. I don’t really want to talk about why. You know why.

[Six pages of drawings, with many unfinished doodles of Y/N—including but not limited to her on her horse, her reading on the couch, and one with her sitting in what is a very loose interpretation of a classroom, taking notes]

March 13th, 2038

I will feel more normal tomorrow. Hopefully.

[Two pages of drawings, all of Y/N. One is her bent over a book, the other is her smiling up at you]

March 14th, 2038

I did something really stupid. I think I should probably just document this here so I don’t accidentally drunkenly spill it all out to Dina at the next bonfire. This is so embarrassing. I don’t get why I feel this way. It’s so stupid, you know? To feel anything towards someone who’s so…I don’t know. Different.

She gives me the weirdest looks sometimes. I can’t tell what they mean. It feels like she’s judging me. And why wouldn’t she be? I bet all the girls she spends her time around back home are just like her—perfect, orderly, pretty, proper. The day before I took her patrolling she gawked at the shorts I was wearing. It was borderline offensive. Actually, fuck that. It wasn’t borderline. It was offensive. You don’t just stare at people like that. She should know that.

Anyway, I invited her over to my room last night. Normal, right? Because we’ve been doing that a little since I took her on patrol, by the way. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. But this time I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m…I don’t know. Creepy? Strange? Scary? She told me that she thought I was intimidating. And then I called her “untouched”, like how some old-timer devout Christian wackjob or whatever would describe virginity. It was so fucking weird of me. I don’t know what got into me, but she kept doing this thing where she kicked my foot with hers or touched my knee and it just threw me off. It took me forever to fall asleep last night—I kept replaying what I’d said to her, especially how I’d told her that she wouldn’t have made it if she were me like I was some sort of hardcore survivalist. I think I embarrassed her. I’m never doing anything like this again. I’m going to be dead sober every time I see her from now on.

I’ll stop talking about that. Y/N did come back after I’d made a fool of myself and showed me her collection of movies, so maybe it wasn’t so bad. I haven’t watched any movies since I was with Cat. When we first started dating, I’d invite her over and she’d sit right where Y/N did last night. I’m trying to not think of the implications, because it’s space girl, and she’s going home sometime soon.

[Three pages of drawings follow—some nature drawings of ferns and moths, others of Y/N with wet hair, her knees tucked up to her chin like she’d been in Ellie’s bed that night]

March 19th, 2038

It’s the Spring Equinox. That’s the first thing Y/N told me this morning when she saw me in the kitchen this morning. She gave me a mini lecture on what that meant for the planet’s axis tilt and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I already knew, since she seemed really excited to tell me.

I made a horrible discovery yesterday, by the way. Maria came up to me and told me that Tommy had decided to reach out to some of his other buddies up North to see if they had any connections to Terranova, and for the first time, I felt myself hoping that it wouldn’t work.

It’s awful. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Even in Jackson, where things are comparatively much better than the rest of the world, there’s risk. Just this winter, one family had to be kicked out when they were found hiding an infected son. No one here is completely safe, just safer. I shouldn’t be selfish. Y/N needs to go where she’s meant to be, where there’s no chance of infection or invasion. I’ll be fine. I just need to get over whatever this is.

Speaking of her, I need to go get her to tell her that we’re heading out on patrol in just a few minutes. Fingers crossed she doesn’t accidentally shoot me, but Joel swore up and down that she knows how to handle a gun now. Sure. Haha.

I’m back. It’s the middle of the night and she only just left my room. I don’t know how much detail I need to go into—chances are I won’t forget this. But for bookkeeping purposes: patrol did not go so hot. I had to give her stitches without any local anesthesia. I’ve never given stitches to anyone nearly in my lap before. I was really nervous, too. I don’t think I’ve ever had to focus so much on keeping my hands steady when it came to stitching someone up before, not even with Joel.

I’m starting to think that maybe I was wrong about thinking that she didn’t like me. I still can’t tell exactly what she thinks of me, and I know that it’s a really bad fucking idea to be entertaining thoughts like these, but tonight she did something that made me reconsider. She got under the covers with me, and instead of moving away to keep us from touching, she rested her head next to mine on the pillow.

I hope she couldn’t hear how much my heart was racing. People can’t hear that kind of stuff, right? Even if they’re close?

I’m being ridiculous. There’s no way she—No. She doesn’t see me like that.

March 21st, 2038

She rested her head on my shoulder today. I don’t know what to think of it. If she was normal and grew up like the rest of us did, I would know exactly what to think. But she’s not normal, and it’s not fair of me to treat her like she is. Maybe this is, like, a culturally acceptable thing back from where she grew up. Maybe rich people just cuddle each other all the time. I wouldn’t fucking know, and unfortunately no one in this godforsaken town can help, because there’s a distinct lack of what Maria calls the “bourgeoisie”. They’re all either dead or back where Y/N grew up, doing whatever rich snobs do.

Even if it is normal for her, I feel like I can’t stop analyzing everything she does. She seems more nervous around me than she does anyone else, but she lingers like she can’t help herself. I’ve noticed that she stumbles over her words and touches me much more than is really necessary. Or at least I think she does—maybe I’m just imagining things.

But even if it means what I think it does, I can’t let myself think like this. It’s not fair to her. No one deserves to live here if they have the choice. At least the people out here know how to handle it. She doesn’t, and I don’t want her to turn into the type of person who does.

When I stitched her up and teased her about being weak and sensitive, I think she thought I was insulting her. I try not to think about it, but if I let myself wallow too much, I’ll wonder what kind of person I’d be if I wasn’t so jaded. Maybe I’d draw more, or read more, or write more. Maybe I’d be an easier person to love. I didn’t get to choose how I turned out. It just happened to me.

So if she has the choice, I’m going to do everything I can to help her make the right one. I don’t want her to be like this.

March 29th, 2038

I had a dream about Riley last night. I haven’t had one of those in years, not since I was traveling with Joel. We were back in the mall, and Riley had just turned the lights on as a surprise. I had this feeling then, like I was being given a second chance. That I could set things straight and do what was right. I woke up before I could insist that we leave.

[A drawing takes up half of the next page. It’s a crude depiction of the mall Riley turned in.]

April 4th, 2038

It’s the middle of the night again. I can’t sleep. I’m so disappointed with myself about what I did tonight with Y/N. At the time, it seemed like a really good idea. She likes me back, apparently. I was right about everything that I wrote about earlier, I guess. But it certainly doesn’t feel like I thought it would.

It’s not like there’s no part of me that isn’t thrilled that she feels the same way. That’s why I gave in and slept with her. But even when she told me how she felt, even before I completely lost my self-control, something heavy was already hanging over me. Regret, maybe. Or guilt. I don’t know. What I do know is that this can’t last. I can’t make this good for her like I want to. She needs to go back, and she needs to be able to feel like she can make that choice without feeling like she’s leaving anything good behind.

I’m not a spiritual person. but even so, I can’t help but feel like that dream of Riley was a sign. This is my second chance. I’m not going to fuck it up this time. I’ve already been an accomplice of so much suffering. Y/N is going home, and I’ll never see her again when she does. That’s that.

It took all I had left in me in the end to kick her out. She looked so hurt, and the fact that she tried to hide it made it even worse. I wish I could tell her why this can’t work, but I don’t think she’d understand.

[A drawing of Y/N kissing Ellie’s palm follows, her hair slightly mussed]

April 6th, 2038

I need to stop making rash decisions like knocking on her door late at night and asking her to come over. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, because whenever I see her now, I can’t help but freeze up. Like last night, when she kissed me and touched my face and told me she thought I was a good person. I panicked and told her—well, nevermind. I don’t really want to repeat it here. It was mean, but I didn’t know what else I could do to get her to stop.

She was already tearing up by the time she left. I had to sit down and breathe deeply for a few minutes before I was sure I wasn’t going to be sick. I don’t really think I want to write more about this right now. It just makes me sad how unfair this all is. Of course the one time after Cat that I meet someone I really like it just has to be in one of the cruelest scenarios possible. I just have no idea what to do.

[Five pages of drawings follow of Y/N in bed, her head tilted back against the pillow, her eye’s half lidded, and her mouth slightly agape. Ellie redraws this multiple times, x-ing out parts that don’t seem quite right]

April 10th, 2038

I know this is none of my business, but she’s been spending a lot of time with Dina lately. She nearly got herself killed getting a gift for me with Dina yesterday, which feels like some sort of especially cruel joke. The universe isn’t being very fucking subtle right now.

If what I’m worried about is right, at least Dina has the option to come with her up North. She’d test negative.

April 20th, 2038

I would really like it if I could have one short break from the misery that’s my life right now. I turned 20 yesterday, accidentally introduced Y/N to my ex, proceeded to get much drunker than I meant to, completely fell off my rocker and asked Y/N to stay the night, and then discovered this morning that not only has Terranova found Y/N but that my strategy of keeping Y/N at arm’s length completely failed.

She wants me to come with her, and she’s threatening to stay here otherwise. I did the only thing that I could think to do and snapped at her.

I’m so tired of this. I hate having to act like I don’t care. This is the third time now that I’ve had to say something nasty to her to keep her from getting too close. I just want to get in bed and sleep until she leaves and I can pretend like nothing ever happened and that everything is normal.

[One page of drawings of Y/N passed out in her bed and Y/N grinning while holding a lopsided cake]

April 28th, 2038

I know I haven’t been writing much again. Sorry about that. I just can’t bear to think about my life right now. I know I should be relieved—this is what I wanted. I wanted her to go where it’s best for her.

But there’s still that selfish part of me that keeps me up at night. Y/N is going to leave this place never knowing how I feel about her. Logically, that should be what I want. This way I won’t need to say a real goodbye. I know I won’t need to now, since she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s really fucking immature of me to be so hurt by what she must think of me now, but I can’t stop.

I wonder how long it will take for me to stop feeling sad about this. I’ve never had to process anything like this where there’s nothing I can do. With Riley and Sam, I at least got to heal from the knowledge that I was going to help make the vaccine to save the world. But losing Y/N just because of where we come from is totally meaningless. I can go forward knowing that I made it easy for her to make the right decision, but that only goes so far.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I’m going to practically live with Dina so I don’t need to be alone for the first few weeks.

I wish May 8th would just come already so she can go away and I can get on with my life.

May 1st, 2038

Things have changed some. Joel cornered me in the kitchen last night and told me that I needed to grow up and just appreciate the rest of the time I had left with Y/N. I was going to agree and try to walk past him, but he stopped me and told me that he needed me to escort Y/N. I guess he’s right. She can’t go alone, and Joel and Tommy are getting a little too old for week-long expeditions into the wilderness.

He also told me that I need to apologize to her and make things right, saying shit like I’d regret it forever if things ended between us like this. I don’t want to admit it, but I think he’s right. When I told him that she’d originally threatened to stay if I didn’t go with her, he blinked, hard. Then he told me that he had an idea.

I’m faking it. I’m telling her that I’m going, even though I’m going to leave her when she gets picked up. I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off. When I told her in the meadow last night, she was so happy. I know it’s really sappy and cliche to say this, but I felt my heart shatter, bit by bit. I’m not a very good liar, not to people who are important to me. But I suppose I’ve been lying to her all this time, kicking her out of my room and telling her that I didn’t want anything more with her.

I can do this, I think. I have to do this, or else she might threaten to stay, and I don’t think I have it in me to be cruel again. Not to her. I guess I’ll just trick myself into feeling like I’m actually coming with her, like we have a chance of actually being together. I don’t know. We’ll see.

[One drawing of Y/N laying down in the meadow that takes up half a page]

May 3rd, 2038

It’s easier than I expected. Y/N sleeps over in my room at night, and if I don’t think too hard about it, I can pretend like things will always be like this.

I’m getting to be such a sap, though. I almost broke down in the bathroom today while I was getting ready. It was over the stupidest thing—a toothpaste bottle. Y/N always folds it so neatly, making a perfect, tight spiral of plastic near the end. It used to really bother me when I first had to share with her (because who does that—it’s weird and doesn’t do anything since she doesn’t manage to squeeze out the extra in the bottom anyways), but the thought of throwing it out when it finally emptied and having to find another one that’ll never be folded again hit me and suddenly I was counting my inhales and exhales. I don’t really give a shit about toothpaste. It’s just that it was the moment that I realized that she’s really going to be gone soon, you know? Slowly but surely, the evidence of her stay here will be wiped away and replaced. Someday I’ll forget all the little details about her.

She’s knocking on my door. I need to stop being so depressed and go see her before she picks up that something’s wrong.

[One small doodle of Y/N smiling and rolling her eyes while brushing her teeth]

May 6th, 2038

Dina’s coming now. Y/N told me this morning after she went to say goodbye. I feel really shitty about this. I guess I should tell her that I’m not going now, because this way Y/N needs to go home to get Dina the help she needs, but I just can’t bring myself to. I’ll have to escort both of them to the pickup spot anyway since Dina’s weaker now that she’s pregnant, and the thought of having to spend a full week with Y/N after she knew I lied to her makes my skin crawl. I can’t tell who I’m trying to protect by doing this—me or her. Maybe both.

I’m losing my two favorite people here, and they don’t even know it yet. But this is the best option. This is my chance to finally do some good in the world.

May 7th, 2038

I’m about to go stargazing with Y/N for the last time. I don’t think I’ll be writing in here again until I get back. I don’t want to risk losing this while I’m out in case something crazy happens. Which it probably will, but I canonically happen to be really good at living when shit hits the fan. Also—I don’t imagine Y/N to be a particularly nosy person, but if she ever came across this and thought it was a book or something, it would make things really awkward. So, you’re staying tucked carefully under my bed until I come back later this month.

I don’t know how to handle this sort of goodbye. I don’t really know how to handle any sort of goodbye, I guess, but at least I’ve been through them before. I may not do it well, but I know how to live when people I love die. But this isn’t like that. No one is dying (hopefully), and more importantly, I know it’s a goodbye this time. I see it coming on the horizon and I can’t even tell anyone about it. How does anyone deal with that? How does anyone cope?

Y/N’s knocking on my door now. I need to go before I start thinking even more and do something stupid like start crying or whatever.

I’ll be back in about two weeks.

June 1st, 2038

Sorry for not writing. It’s been pretty shitty, actually. It took me 5 extra days to get home because some scavengers gave me trouble. I hardly slept for most of them. I ran out of ammo about 4 days out and had to use my knife for everything I ran into until I was able to raid the cabinets of this abandoned cabin. Nearly got taken out by a clicker, too. It was not fun. It was especially not fun because I was not feeling super great to begin with, for obvious reasons.

Things haven’t gotten any better since getting back to Jackson. Y/N didn’t take her stupid Exoplanetary Systems textbook and now I’m struggling with whether or not I should throw it out. The rational side of me says to keep it because it was published after the outbreak and probably contains updated information that isn’t anywhere else. The rest of me doesn’t even want to look at the stars anymore because it reminds me of her.

It’s really hard not to blame her for ruining everything. I can’t go out and ride my own horse without thinking about the first time we went on patrol together and she dropped my gun and nearly killed one of us. And I can’t even relax in my own home, because I’ve spent almost every night with her since March in my bed. Sometimes when I hear a creak in the middle of the night I assume it’s her walking down to the bathroom or getting water until it hits me again that she’s never coming back.

I know I’m being melodramatic. There are many other worse problems I could be having right now. But I don’t even have my best friend anymore. I wonder if Dina and Y/N are angry with me for lying. I wonder if they’re settling in okay. I hope that Y/N manages to fix whatever her research was and that Dina gets better.

[Twenty pages of drawings of Y/N and Dina together. Some are snippets of them on their expedition to the pickup site. Others are pictures of Y/N and Dina walking around with smiles on their faces in what looks to be a city]

June 21st, 2038

It’s been over a month since I’ve last seen her. I had a breakdown while getting ready for bed when I realized that I didn’t remember what her voice sounded like anymore.

[Ten pages of half-finished drawings, each with its face scribbled over]

June 28th, 2038

I don’t think I really remember what she looks like—not exactly. I’ve been trying to draw her because I’m still in the habit of making decisions that are definitely not good for my mental state. I just can’t do it, and it isn’t for the lack of trying. Every time I get to her eyes I keep drawing something that looks wrong, but I can never tell why. I compare it to my earlier drawings of her from when we first met and it feels like meeting her for the first time again.

Joel says it’ll pass and that he’s proud of me for doing the right thing. Jessie and I have been hanging out more. Even if he won’t admit it, I can tell he’s miserable without Dina. But he understands why she had to go—just like how I feel about Y/N. And Dina too, of course. Jackson feels like a ghost town without her.

July 17th, 2038

I haven’t been writing or drawing in here for a while, I know. I was going to just go ahead and start a new journal—you know the one that Maria gave me for Christmas with the dark blue cover—but it didn’t feel right to just stop without explaining. Otherwise I’ll feel like an asshole for wasting so much paper.

I don’t want to move on from what happened with Y/N and Dina. I really don’t, but I don't think I have a choice. If I keep going on like this, I’ll never be able to live normally again. I’m just sick and tired of being sad all of the time. So I’m not going to write here anymore. I don’t think it’s realistic for me to forget all about it, because I don’t want to forget her. Not really. But I guess if I want to get better, I’ll need something different. So, here’s that. The beginning of my fresh start. “Fresh start” and you call me overdramatic!! haha. Y/N was here!

(You left this on your nightstand. I promise I didn’t read too much. I opened it because I thought it was your sketchbook. I’m going to put this back since I hear you walking down the hall now.)

ok as an aside my blog is broken so my stuff isn’t notifying people when i tag/showing up on dashes or in tags. please reblog if you’re comfortable so people can actually find this! thank you!

final a/n: i totally get it if this wasn’t quite your cup of tea this time��i just really wanted to iron out ellie’s pov before their reunion in the end. which is happening and not a spoiler because i have always promised a hea! this was a change in pace for the story and i promise you that the next chapter will be more normal/align more with my normal writing style. i have also changed my mind (probably) and have decided to stick with writing an epilogue! so two more chapters are coming before this is totally over. thank you so much for waiting and being so patient! i love you all dearly ok bye bye now

[nobedofroses]

October 30th

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

warnings: beginnings of smut, grinding

words: 1.5k

a/n: Prompt for today is "The power goes out on Halloween, leaving A & B to find their way to each other in the dark" from this list by @goldenroutledge. final sequel to the jackson!joel blurbs!!

Directory, previous Joel blurb, Day 29

🎃🎃🎃

The community-wide Halloween events in Jackson were over by Halloween night, but some families were doing things on their own in their houses with whatever they had managed to cobble together. Trick or treating had happened earlier in the day with homemade treats (although yours were salty and savory, not sweet as sugar was nearly nonexistent). With people needing to go on patrol, it just made more sense to do it in the early afternoon than at night. 

Ever since your kiss at the costume dance party, you and Joel had shared a few more (private) kisses and spent some evenings together at his house, talking, reading, and playing board games with Ellie. You were surprised to find out how much more casually touchy Joel was when your feelings for each other were established. His hand was always on your back, around your waist, or on your thigh if he wasn’t holding yours. It was making you a little antsy because you hadn’t done anything very sexual yet and you were… very excited to. 

On Halloween night, it was just the two of you. Ellie had plans with some of her classmates and was off with them. Tommy and Maria were on a patrol date, so you weren’t hanging out with them. It was the first time you were going to spend hours alone together at Joel’s house since you had kissed and you couldn’t tell if you were more excited or anxious. You didn’t think you had any specific plans although you were definitely hoping for something specific. 

After you ate dinner together in the canteen, you and Joel walked back to his house hand in hand and you asked, “So what do you want to do tonight?” 

“I got a couple mystery books from the library. One’s actually Halloween themed, if you’d wanna read?” Joel asked slowly. 

Even though it wasn’t the activity you were hoping for, you didn’t think a southern boy like Joel would come right out and say that you should fuck. And it’s not like you were doing so either. Plus, it was maybe the sweetest suggestion of a date that you could think of. 

“Yeah, I’d love that,” you told him earnestly. 

An hour later you had read a couple chapters of the book, switching off so you each read one at a time. You enjoyed reading aloud but you maybe enjoyed listening to Joel more, his deep voice and slight twang making everything he said sound good. It was perhaps getting to you, listening to him like that, and you had to shift in your seat a couple times during the last chapter. 

When Joel noticed your movement, he thought it was because you were cold and suggested a hot drink to warm you up. You figured you might as well, to give you a little break if you were still going to have to wait longer for sex. 

“Yeah that’d be great,” you told him with a smile. 

Joel stood up, disentangling himself from you on the couch, but bent down to give you a quick kiss that left you warmer than a cup of herbal tea ever could. 

When Joel left the room, you flopped back on the couch and sighed deeply but quietly. Maybe you should just jump him when he got back with your tea. Well, after he set it down on the coffee table of course. 

You were contemplating the best course of action when suddenly the wall sconces that lit the room went out. It had only been a little bit of light but it was the only light there was, the sun having gone down a couple hours ago, so you were plunged into darkness. You waited a moment because sometimes the power flickered in Jackson, especially in the winter when everyone was using their lights more, but they didn’t come back on. 

“Um, Joel? I’m gonna come in there with you, it’s a little too dark in here for my liking,” you called out to him, standing up and walking to the kitchen. But when you got in there, he wasn’t there. All the lights were off, but the streetlights were on outside and let some light in through the windows. And other houses on the street still had lights, so that was confusing. 

“Joel?” you called out again, not liking being alone in the dark and especially not liking not knowing where he was. You couldn’t hear him and you wondered why he hadn’t told you. 

Maybe he went to check the breaker? That seemed plausible. But where the hell was the breaker box? The garage? The basement? You knew there was a utility room somewhere in the hallway, would it be in there? Since that was the only option that wasn’t going to be cold and possibly creepy, you decided the hallway was the correct place to start and walked in that direction. 

When you got to the hallway, you couldn’t see anything anymore, but you knew there were five doors. Ellie’s bedroom, Joel’s bedroom, the bathroom (at the end of the hallway), a closet, and the utility room. But you hadn’t been in any of them but the bathrooms, so were the bedrooms at the front of the hallway or at the end? You just had to try them all, you guessed. 

You walked blindly down the hall and reached for the wall to guide you. The first time you tried to touch it, you weren’t even in the hall yet and your hand just swiped through the air. So you took another couple steps forward and then felt the wall under your hand and slid it along until you found a doorway. The door was partially open, so you pushed it further and called out, “Joel? Are you in here? I can’t see a thing.” 

Stepping further into the room, you could smell him, which seemed weird because you wouldn’t think your senses would get that much better after a couple minutes in the dark. You heard his voice then, responding to you, but you couldn’t make out what he said. You kept moving forward, about to call out to him again, but instead you yelped as you started to fall. 

Joel heard your outcry and hurried after you into the room. He wasn’t sure why you had gone into his bedroom, but he could ask after he knew you were okay. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” 

As Joel and the light of the candle he was holding came into the room, he could see you, turned over on your back on his bed and laughing. You sat up, resting your weight on your elbows and said, “I- I didn’t know your bed was here— I f-fell,” and then dissolved into giggles again. 

Joel smiled, relieved you were okay and thinking you were really cute when you laughed. He set the candle down on his dresser and walked over, standing in front of you. “I think the power went out because I was using the stove and the heat and the lights.” 

He held out a hand to you, ready to pull you back to standing so he could get you that tea and get you warmed up. He had fixed the breaker right before you fell, so everything should be fine now, the water would be ready in a couple minutes once he turned the burner back on. 

But when you took his hand, you tugged on it instead of using it to help you stand. Joel hadn’t been expecting it and tripped forward, his free hand coming to catch his fall and landing on the mattress right next to your hip. He was just a couple inches away from you now, his knee pressed against the mattress between your legs. 

You were breathing a little harder, your chest moving with each one, and you were close enough the two of you were sharing breath. The knowledge made Joel feel heady, drew him towards you so that connection could be more tangible. 

After a second, you dropped his hand and reached up to his shoulder, tugging him towards you the last couple inches and fitting your mouth to his. Once you were kissing, Joel became just as enthusiastic as you felt, maybe more. He moved and helped move you until you were pressed against each other, his warm, strong, broad chest against yours and your hips so tight to his that your core was pressed to his thigh. 

As his tongue pressed into your mouth, you rolled your hips against his, the friction of his thigh on your clit making you moan. One of his hands came to your waist and he encouraged you to do it again and again. After a few more moans, he pulled back to kiss down your neck so he could hear you better. 

“Oh, Joel,” you moaned, threading your fingers through his hair to keep him close. Everything about him felt so good you were worried that somehow it would stop. You were determined not to let that happen and said, “How ‘bout I don’t need the tea and you just keep me warm, yeah?” 

Joel pulled back, chuckling, and even the feel of that felt good. He looked up at you and the candlelight was enough to see his warm brown eyes. “Yeah, let me keep you warm, sweetheart.”

🎃🎃🎃

[peterparkersnose]

Christmas Vibes

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

word count: 1.3k

warnings: nostalgia, age gap, horrible attempt to capture joel’s accent (fuck), just christmas fluff :)

a/n this kicks off my joel stories in preperation for tlou show on hbo max starting jan 15! enjoy and have a happy holidays. please tell me you understand the vibe aspect (triangle, purple, thursday, the number 4, blueberry pie) bc if not i am just really undiagnosed. 

summary Joel tries to make Christmas special for Y/N once again

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read time: 4 mins 59 seconds

“It’s snowing,” you sighed, looking at your reflection in your window. The street lamp lights outside were plagued with the falling snow.

“Never liked winter,” Joel shuttered, taking off his jeans. You heard his belt clank as it hit the hamper. “Really? Not even Christmas?” you asked, playing with a strand of your hair with your gaze still locked outside.

“Sarah always loved it. I liked seeing her happy so I tolerated it.” Joel sighed. You could see the reflection of his flannel pajama pants in the window. You were touched that he mentioned Sarah. He rarely did. Even if you slept in the same room with that eerie photo of the two of them together staring at you, you never dared pushing the subject.

“What did she like?” you asked, testing the waters. “Hmm,” Joel thought. “When she was real young she loved Santa. Her grandpa would come around every year dressed up as ‘em. I’ll never forget her face every year when he would come.”

You nodded, not sure what to say. “I miss Christmas.” you sighed, sitting down next to Joel in the bed. “How many did you get? Before…”

“12.” you sighed. “My mom would always go out and cut us down a tree. I sometimes think about the smell of a real tree. It’s much different when the tree is in the woods versus your living room. I miss it. Every time it gets cold like this, my memories come back and it makes me hate this damned broken world even more.” you sighed, laying down on your back and staring at the ceiling.

“We always had fake trees,” Joel commented, flicking off the lamp. He was unsure on how to respond to you, so he tried to take your mind off the bitterness of the memories.

“You give fake tree vibes.” you told Joel, reaching for his hand in the sheets. “How can one give fake tree vibes?” “You just do.” “Explain?” he asked, grabbing your hand tightly “There’s no explanation. Just like how Maria gives off former yoga teacher vibes,”

He stopped and thought for a moment. “Well I’ll be damned, she really do.” “Told ya.” “Go to sleep,” he sighed. “She most definitely had a pixie cut when the world wasn’t shit,” you added.

“Where does your mind come up with these things?” Joel chuckled. “Ellie and I had a very intense conversation about it on patrol a few days ago. Just like how Tommy gives off cinnamon raisin bread vibes.”

“Stop that,” Joel insisted, shuffling in bed. “It’s too accurate. Freakin’ me out.”

“Maybe she has a dragonfly tattoo too. Somewhere special where only Tommy knows. Very yoga teacher-ish.”

“Go to bed Y/N.” Joel huffed, slamming his eyes shut.

Joel didn’t even know why he was doing this. He didn’t even like Christmas when the world was still normal.

But he liked you sure of a hell lot more than he hated Christmas.

His back ached as he dragged the tree through the gates of Jackson. He had picked out the greenest tree he could find and cut it down. The horse would have been useless with a close to 120 pound tree (he estimated).

“Need some help?” Tommy chuckled, arms crossed amused watching his brother lug in a tree. “S’pose I could,” he hissed at him, dragging the stem of the tree against the dirt ground. “All this for a woman?” Tommy asked, lifting the muddy end of the tree. “Your tellin’ me you wouldn’t do this for Maria?” “Maria wouldn’t want it,” “Well if she did?”

Tommy paused for a second to think. “Hell no,”

The tree barely fit in the door to your house. Joel cringed at all the needles he was going to have to pick up after this.

“Got her in?” Tommy asked, entering the house with the end of the tree still in his grips.

Tommy saw the makeshift tree holder and set the tree in the metal hole. Joel propped it up, holding the tree up for Tommy to bolt the tree to the metal plate.

The two of them now out of breathe took a step back to see the enormous tree.

“I think you may have underestimated the size of your house, big brother.” Tommy said, patting Joel on the back.

Joel’s eyes were glued to the top of the tree pressed against the ceiling and jutting outward.

His arms were crossed with one hand rubbing his brow. “She’s gonna hate it,” he muttered. “I think it’s rather cute. Quirky if you ask me. She likes that shit, don’t she?” Tommy re assured his brother.

“Should I cut it?” Joel asked. “Nah. You went out and did the dirty work. If she doesn’t appreciate it, she doesn’t deserve it. I always got a lighter if you need it.” he suggested.

Joel swept the needles up from the ground in preparation of your return. You had spent the day distracted by Ellie. The kids were having a winter festival down in the square and you two were volunteering.

Joel most definitely owed Ellie one after this.

He found the red and green blankets from storage and placed them on the couch. Holiday decorations were rare to find (minus halloween) and he was trying his best.

He was in the middle of fluffing the pillows when he heard the old door creek open.

A sudden gasp came from you as your hand clasped over your mouth. “What is this?” you asked, a smile widening on your face.

“I know it ain’t perfect, I didn’t measure right but it’s…”

“Joel, it’s perfect.” you insisted, wrapping your hands around the man who was cowering in embarrassment. “It’s too tall, the tree ain’t right.”

“Shh,” you shushed him, wrapping an arm around his rib cage. “I love it,” you muffled into his chest.

“Oh!” you said, suddenly realizing what you had done that day.

You and Ellie had made strings of snowflakes all day with the kids.

The white paper cut outs strung perfectly around the tree.

“Careful there,” Joel said, balancing you as you stood on your tippy toes to reach the top. “Ready?” he asked.

“Ready for-”

Joel hoisted you up by your waist erupting a squeal from you. “Joel!” you laughed, squirming in his reach.

“String…‘em,” he demanded with his raspy voice, struggling holding you in his grip. As you strung the paper around the branches, needles dropped down. Specifically on Joel.

“What are you doing?” you asked after hearing the noise of Joel spitting. “Them damn needles- in my face.” he grunted, finally letting you down.

A tiny laugh came from you as you faced him once again. “What’s so funny?” he asked. You carefully plucked the stray needles out of his bushy eyebrows, making sure they didn’t fall in his eyes. “All better now,” you smiled, kissing him on the cheek.

“I’m surprised your not covered in sap,” you commented, sitting down on your comfy couch in Joel’s arms. You handed him his cup of coffee. “Showered ‘for you got home,”

“What if I wanted you covered in sap?” you asked, staring up at the tree. “What?” Joel asked, confused. “So I could have washed it off of ya.”

Joel sucked his teeth. “It’s a damn shame,” he sighed, taking a sip of his coffee.

“And you brought this in all by yourself?” you asked, grabbing Joel’s bicep. “Mhm,” he lied, taking Tommy’s credit. “My strong man,” you said, folding closer into his body.

“Thank you, Joel.” you sighed, remembering the previous night. “It’s just like old times.” “Well, I’m glad you like it,” he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

“It gives off Christmas vibes,” Joel said, very proud of himself. “Yes Joel, sure. It gives Christmas vibes.” You chuckled, enamored at his attempt to understand your humor.

“Just like how Ellie gives off the vibe that she can only wear red socks on a Friday.”

“Stop that shit already,”

“And how when the world wasn’t like this, Tommy probably had shit credit.”

“He did,” Joel laughed. “Stop it now, your still freaking me out.”

“You brought it up!”

“Yeah, because it was funny when I did it.”

“Yes Joel. Hilarious.”

-

tag list: @dani5216 @uwiuwi @alohastyles-x @samanthacookieone @maddieinnit0 @alexxavicry

[nonexistent-introvert]

Fears

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 1.1k

Summary: Joel's biggest fear.

Content: Vulnerable moments, fears, late night talks with Joel, angst, TLOU spoilers, takes place in Jackson after events of TLOU 1

A/N: Upcoming weeks are exam weeks for me. So i will definitely sadly be more inactive :( Enjoy these one shots which I'll write when i can but updates on Paper Stars may be slower.

   “Is there something you’re afraid of?” Joel looked at you, caught off guard by your sudden question. You had a blank look on your face but the tight grip you had on your own hand and how your thumb rubbed against your skin in an attempt at a soothing gesture gave you away. Joel had learned over the months of knowing you that you were awfully skilled at hiding your emotions away, a skill the apocalypse had taught you no doubt, a skill that he too possessed. 

    “Nightmare?” Joel questioned, leaning over the side of his chair to grab the water bottle. You instinctively shook your head, too used to brushing people’s concerns off. Joel looked at you with a skeptical look, handing you his water. He always seemed to see through you. “Just answer my question, Joel.” You insisted, taking the bottle from his hands and drinking it. Joel looked out to the darkness, being on night watch was tiring but there was something oddly reassuring about the peace at night. 

     “It’s just- you just seem to be fearless. Nothing seems to strike fear into Joel Miller.” You laughed weakly. Joel pursed his lips, deep in thought. In the apocalypse, fear clouded every corner, and every action is driven by fear. Joel could easily come up with a list, he just wasn’t sure if it was still considered a fear anymore, he had grown so numb to these fears. “The dark?” You scoffed at his answer, knowing that he was nowhere close to being afraid of the dark. “Is there really nothing?” You wondered out loud. He folded his arms over his chest, going down the list. “Being infected, dying.” He replied. “Yeah, no shit Joel. That’s probably the reason why we lasted this long in this shit world. Fear drives us.” You deadpanned. “Well, I don’t know what you’re expecting from me.” Joel shrugged. You sighed, maybe Joel wasn’t the right person to be having this talk with. It was like Joel sensed your walls going up again, he panicked. “Tell me yours then.” He suggested instead.     “I-I don’t know either. That’s why I asked you.” Joel rolled his eyes at your answer. “Just tell me bout your nightmare.” You bit your lip, it had been a while since you had such a conversation with someone. No one in the apocalypse wanted to be burdened with useless information, a nightmare, it was common here, people would just ask you to deal with it, no one would want to hear about it when they go through it every night themselves. Some may even argue that the world now was a living nightmare itself. “Fine. I’m terrified, terrified of losing people.” Joel noticed how you trembled, he was unsure if it was from fear from recalling the nightmare or the cold. Joel shifted closer to you anyways, hoping that his warmth may help. “I dreamt that I lost you guys. Tommy, Maria, Ellie and you. All the small moments of normalcy we had, all gone. I was alone again, in the cold. Having to kill and hunt just to survive another day. Fuck Joel, I was so scared. Before I came to Jackson, I was perfectly fine with being just that, another fucked up survivor, but now that I had a taste of what normalcy feels like, I don’t think I can go back. I let myself get attached again after decades, I wanted to spend time with you, wanted to get to know you better. I just can’t fathom not having you and everyone else in my life.” A painful feeling arose at the back of your throat, and you were blinking back tears. “Fuck, emotions.” you cursed, laughing at how pathetic you were, crying over a nightmare. You felt like a kid again. “Hey, it's ok.” Joel turned to face you completely, cautiously placing a hand on your shoulder. When you leaned into his touch, he took it as a sign to pull you into his arms and lend you his shoulder. “I’m afraid of losing people too. You know, I lost people too. We all did, but no matter what. We keep finding something to fight for.” He whispered softly into your ear. 

    “Is there something you’re afraid of?” 

    Your question hovered around in his mind even as he laid on his bed, eager to catch up on sleep after the nightwatch. He tossed around on the bed. A fear. His eyes fell onto the drawer on his nightstand, the one that contained his trusted revolver. One of his biggest fears is losing people that he cares about and like you said, fear is a driving force. It finally surfaced onto his mind, his deepest darkest fear. The answer you were probably hoping to learn more about. 

    Joel knew exactly what he did that day when he decided to save Ellie. He knew the consequences of his actions. He knew that he had single-handedly erased the hope of a cure for humanity. He knew that he is the villain in many people’s stories. How could he not when the weight of his actions burdened him every day? Joel does not regret his actions, maybe that makes him more of a bad guy. The fact that he would do it all over again, erase the fireflies from existence, the chance of a cure, just to save Ellie. Realistically speaking, the chances of a cure were low even with Ellie, at the very most, Ellie would contribute to their research of a cure and that’s it. Ellie was more than just a chance of a cure for Joel, as much as he does not want to admit it, Ellie had become his world, the person he fought and live for. He was not willing to sacrifice his world for the world that seemed to have already met its end. Joel had his reasons, reasons that he wasn’t sure others would understand.

   His deepest darkest fear, Joel finally knew the answer. 

   His fear is that you will see him the way he sees himself.

   A monster, a killer. The villain who erased all hopes for humanity for his own selfish reasons. The killer who had murdered innocents just to give a warning, to survive. The monster who had ruined millions of lives because he had killed the only person that was capable of finding a cure, the one capable to put an end to all this suffering. 

    The horrified look on your face, staring at him as though he would ever hurt you. It would be enough to haunt him for the rest of his life. He couldn’t lose you either, the woman he had come to care about. Although he was still relatively unsure about how he felt about you, he knew that he felt enough to know that his life would become hell without you.  

   If one day you saw him the way he saw himself, he knew he would lose himself to the darkness of the world. 

   And that was what struck fear into Joel Miller. 

  That is Joel’s biggest fear. 

"I wish I was more like you. Brave and fearless." You had told him, Joel chuckled darkly in reply.

If only you knew.

[soulofapatrick]

Never Leave Me Tommy - Tommy Miller x Reader

Summary: Part 5 of the Instant Attraction series. Tommy and Y/N spend your first day apart and well... Tommy realises he never wants you to leave him; the feeling being mutual

Words: 2.9k

Warning: Smut (p in v); overstimulation

Y/N’s POV

The bed is empty when I awake to the sunlight streaming in but there’s a messy scrawl of a note on the bedside table. Tommy got called on an emergency patrol as there’s apparently a bunch of infected that the original patrol need help with. I can’t not smile at the way he thought about leaving me a note even if he was in a rush as time is of the essence when patrol goes wrong - it was one of the first lessons Maria taught me. 

Tommy won’t be back for a while so it’s probably a good time to explore Jackson and try make some friends as Maria told me I should try and settle in, not just with the Miller brother and Ellie. She’s right. Annoyingly. So I pull my aching body from the soft sheets, finding my worn bra and some jeans to add to the boxers and shirt so I look somewhat decent and keeping my modesty. There’s socks in the top draw so I borrow a pair before trudging down the stairs, slipping into my boots before grabbing a jacket. It’s Tommy’s fleece lined jean jacket again, he must have left it for me. He’s such a damn sweetheart, I hope he’s okay out there. He better come back to me alive or I’m going to raise fucking hell. 

The settlement is loud and bustling despite the outbreak and I envy the community feel to it all, knowing they stare and whisper. The canteen is still open, luckily, so I grab a plate and help myself to a portion of breakfast before turning to find an empty space but every table has at least one person. Someone’s waving, he seems a little older than Ellie but I’ll take it as he’s not judging but offering me the empty seat opposite him so I weave through the tables until I’m there. 

“Y/N right?” His voice is oozing with southern charm but it’s not flirty like most and it definitely doesn’t fit his appearances. He’s obviously Asian American, I expected an American just not the amount of southern lilt to it and he seems to understand my surprise, “I was raised in South Carolina before my mum brought me and my younger brother here for sanctuary.” 

“Nice to meet you…” I trail off, he hasn’t said his name. 

“Jesse,” He holds out his hand politely so I reach over the table and shake it before digging into my food, “I’m seventeen if that’s going to be your next question.” So three years older than Ellie and three years younger than me. Exactly between our ages. He’s so easy to talk to, I love it, and I can just tell we’re going to be best friends. From the lopsided smile he sends me, he can sense it too, “So you and Tommy hit it off pretty quickly. I think everyones glad as he was starting to drive us all crazy.” 

“They seem more judgemental,” I reply quietly and he laughs lightly, a musical sound, “I guess that’s a given as I’m new?” 

“You did arrive with the famous Joel Miller that Tommy could not shut up about and that mouthy girl, Ellie.” Jesse points out and yeah, he has a fair point. I didn’t arrive to Jackson quietly, the way Joel and Tommy reunited in the town square and the way everyone could finally put a face to the name seeing as Tommy would not talking about Joel it seems. He really does love his older brother, Joel should know all those fears he had about Tommy not wanting to see him again were stupid and Tommy painted him like a hero. Joel is a hero even if he doesn’t see it. 

Jesse and I fall into a comfortable silence, eating breakfast and drinking the sweet orange juice that makes me think of before the outbreak. I haven’t hadn’t half of this food since the outbreak, the QZs not being generous with their food and then on the road, it was a miracle when we found canned goods like ‘Chef Boyardee’. It takes a lot of self-restraint not to eat like a starved animal as I don’t want to make more of a scene than I already am by being in the canteen. I want to spend every day from here on out, the sense of community a little overwhelming but it’s definitely something I could get used to. 

“Come on, I have inventory to do, you can join me.” Jesse stands once our plates are clean so I just nod and follow him, putting my plate and cutlery in the designated racks. It’s cold outside, Tommy’s jacket putting up a fight to keep me warm as we walk through the settling snow. It’s pretty, the snowflakes clinging to every surface as we head towards the small hut I saw a few days ago, curious about what it was. Guess I’m about to find out seeing as Jesse is pulling keys from his pocket and unlocking the door, holding it open for me to go first. As much as I trust Jesse my nerves are still fried so I just stand there, staring at him until he shrugs, “Understandable.” Stepping in first. I follow him to find myself in a small shed that is full of all types of weapons and ammo. 

Ellie would lose her fucking mind if she saw this room, the same reaction she had when seeing Bill’s armoury. Fucking nerd. She’s right though, all this is so fucking cool, I can’t help myself as I run my hands over every gun. The cool metal familiar under my rough fingertips, having been brought up to fight with any available weapon but the one thing I want the most is hidden away in the corner. A bow and quiver of arrows, they’re tucked away as if not touched for years which is fair enough as you’d have to be faster than a clicker grabbing the arrows and firing them. Guns are the ideal weapon for this post apocalyptic world but they’re calling me so I’m picking up the bow, feeling Jesse watching me. It’s a little old but still strong, the string still taut as I pull it back as if firing an arrow, it sings when I let it go and the sound is beautiful. I don’t know why people wouldn’t use bow and arrows when able to anymore. 

“Is it true you’re the Ghost?” Jesse asks, sitting on the table as he watches me with those dark eyes, no judgement or any emotion in them really, “I’ve heard stories but I don’t think you’re the antihero people paint you as. I’m guessing you did it out of love or loss. Only those two emotions can cause a reaction like…” He trails of, shrugging lightly. 

“Loss,” I mumble back, setting the bow back down and joining him at the table, eyes skimming over the notes laid out with the amounts of ammo and guns and what types there are. People’s names are next to some of them so I guess that’s for whoever they belong to or who uses them the most, “My older brother got infected and I had to look after my little brother.” 

“I’m sorry.” Again, no judgement or sympathy. Just words, “We should begin counting everything or Maria is gonna be annoyed. She’s already stressed about the recent influx of infected in the area recently. You can keep the bow and arrows by the way. Take them home with you.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Nothing to thank me for.” 

*

It’s almost dark by the time Jesse and I are emerging from the mini armoury Jackson has. The bow and arrows are secure on my back, the weight of them being familiar like a weight I’ve missed. I wait for Jesse to lock the doors before we head towards the residential area of Jackson, the snow heavier now and ankle deep. It’s refreshing, the way it clings to Tommy’s coat and my hair and the way Jesse’s voice carries my way with the soft breeze. He’s telling me about his arrival in Jackson and making friends with Dina who is his girlfriend, she sounds like the girl Ellie yelled at when we arrived. Jesse laughs at it and confirms it is her, I must tell Ellie that then. 

“See you tomorrow Y/N.” Jesse hugs me when we stop outside of Tommy’s, surprising me so I barely have time to hug him back before he’s disappearing into the night with a grin and a wave. The lights are on in the house, meaning Tommy’s back from patrol, he’s probably tired as well so I try and be as quiet as I can when slipping inside. 

Tommy’s passed out on the couch, still in his patrol uniform so I take extra care with being silent. It comes natural to me, all those years creeping up on clickers and bloaters so he doesn’t even stir as I take my shoes and jacket off, setting the bow and quiver next to the door. I decide it’s my turn to cook so I lightly pad to the kitchen, stretching my tired shoulders until they pop before raiding the fridge. There’s bacon, milk, cheese which could be made into cheesy pasta if we have pasta and flour. Not infected flour. 

He stays asleep until the aroma of sizzling bacon and creamy cheese sauce fills the air, causing him to sit up with a soft groan. The sauce is bubbling happily away enough for me to leave it for a few minutes to check on him, having not seen him all day. I’m kneeling between Tommy’s legs, holding his face in my hands as I memorise the freckles smeared across that sun kissed skin, bringing my lips centimetres from his, “I missed you.” 

“Missed you too baby girl.” He mumbles back before closing the gap, his kiss soft and delicate, rough pads of his fingers holding my jaw in place. It’s different compared to other kisses we’ve shared and I could definitely get used to this, “I love you.” 

“I love you too Tommy,” I can’t hide the smile when I stand, him trailing after me to the kitchen. His arms wrap around my waist as I turn the bacon and stir the sauce and pasta, making sure nothing is burning, “Why don’t you get changed sweetheart, it’ll be ready by the time you come back down.” 

“Missed you.” He numbers into my neck again and I can’t stop the light laugh escaping me, even when he lets out a whine of protest, my heart melting even more. 

“I will be right here when you come back down.” I turn in his grip, holding his face in both hands once again and making him look me the eyes, tiredness and fear settled deep in the cognac of his gaze, “I promise.” 

He stares at me for a few seconds more before nodding once, pressing a kiss to my forehead and disappearing upstairs so I can grab us bowls and mix everything together before serving it up. By the time he comes back down I’m sat on the sofa with my bowl in hand and his on the table, waiting for him. He practically dives into the seat, sitting almost too close to me but I’m not gonna complain, I want everything Tommy has to offer me and it’s obvious the feelings are reciprocated. We don’t talk while we eat. We don’t have to. Each other’s company is enough until our bowls are empty and his lips are on my neck. 

Tommy’s grabbing my hands and guiding me upstairs, hands on my hips and lips leaving scorching heat over every bit of bare skin he can find walking me backwards until my legs hit the bed. I pull my shirt over my head, him doing the same before I lay back, watching the way Tommy climbs over me and his fingers trail up and down my body as if trying to map it out and remember it for future, just in case, “You’re so beautiful baby girl.” He murmurs, lips trailing down my stomach to the waistband of my jeans, popping the button with his nimble fingers and I lift my hips for him to slide them down, his boxers going with them until I’m bare. He kneels above me, taking me in and I try hard not to squirm away or cover myself as he seems to need this after the patrol today, the featherlight touches and bags under his eyes say it all, “How did I end up getting so lucky.” 

“I think it’s the curls.” I joke, watching the way his eyes crinkle in an amused smile before he’s leaning down and capturing my lips in a kiss that has me trying to follow his lips with my mind but his hands holding my shoulders down stops me. 

“If it’s my curls then no touching.” He growls in my ear, drawing a whimper from my parted lips before he’s sliding down so he’s between my legs. He wraps his arms around my thighs before burying his face in my weeping mound with no warning, my hands going for those curls but I have to stop myself, wrapping the sheets in my grip as my back arches into the thrusts his tongue begins. If he continues at this brutal pace I’m not going to last much longer, he’s dragging me closer and closer to the bliss with every moan he lets out against my sensitive clit as he eats me out like a starved man. My body acts on it’s own as I ride out the bliss but it stops suddenly, dragging an anguished cry from me and my eyes flying open to see my hand is in Tommy’s hair. 

Fuck. 

He’s got a smirk on his lips, glistening with my arousal as he pulls my hand out of his hair and stands. I whine, hips rocking down onto nothing, needing him to get me there. He just watches, eyes almost black and blown wide as his voice comes out low and strained, as if he’s struggling to hold himself away from me, “What did I say baby girl.” 

“N-no touching. Baby please.” I’m practically a blubbering mess, needing him, and I should be embarrassed but the way he licks his lips has me far from it, “I need you.” 

It’s like his restraint snaps as he’s climbing back over me, lining himself up and pushing to the hilt in one quick move. It has my nails dragging down his back as he catches that sweet spot with the first thrust, my back arching up and my eyes rolling into the back of my head. My mind blanks out and I’m chanting his name like a prayer as I clench around him as I ride out my orgasm, the shock of it tensing even muscle in my body. Tommy just holds me close, thumb soothing over my cheek and hips twitching as he tries to stay still until I’m coming down, voice soft and wrecked as he practically begs, “One more baby girl.” 

He’s waiting for my consent despite being balls deep and I’m nodding, not trusting I’ll be coherent if I try and talk. My body can’t decide if it wants to try and scramble away from the quick thrusts or move into them, a cry escaping me when he begins to circle my now oversensitive clit. It has me trying to scoot away from him as my body reacts with both pain and pleasure but his tight grip on my hip holds me in place as he grazes his teeth across my neck and collarbone. I’m letting out dirty sounds, barely able to hear them as all I can focus on is the way he fucks me raw, another building orgasm making itself known, my walls fluttering around him. My ankles lock up around his hips as he lets out a beautiful sound, my name falling between it and he’s filling me up. The feeling alone has me clamping tightly around him, milking his dry as I practically yell in pure ecstasy. Tommy’s caressing my hair as I slowly come back down, whispering about how much he loves me and how good I am just for him. It has me pulling him closer, blushing furiously at the chuckle rumbling in his chest. 

“Bed.” He nudges me up, neither of us wanting to part, having been one after a long day apart. He manages to roll us onto our sides so we’re facing each other, my legs unwinding from his waist as he pulls the duvet up. I should care about the sweat or the mess leaking out around his softening dick but I can’t because it’s Tommy and he’s all encompassing and everything I’ve ever wanted or needed. This is the future I want.  

“Never leave me Tommy.”

“I won’t if you won’t.”

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Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five

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[buriednurbckyrd]

Nothing Stays the Same Forever: Chapter 1

***author note: I have not played either one of the games. I loved S1 and I’m trying to keep from potentially spoiling the rest of the show for myself so I thought I’d focus my energy on writing a fic. Plus, like the rest of the world I’m absolutely feral for Daddy Pascal rn and since I haven’t felt like writing anything in a hot minute and I do now I’m seizing the moment.  As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated and will definitely help inspire me to keep going with this. Cheers!

Every single step was agony. The air was so cold it burned in her throat and lungs, and when she forced one leg in front of the other her muscles screamed and spasmed from the old hunting knife lodged in her side. She gritted her teeth and swallowed down her screams of pain. Stopping now would mean death, if she paused to chase a moment of relief she would lose the strength to continue. After everything that had happened… There was a part of her that desperately wanted to drop in the snow that very moment and let the darkness finally consume her, putting an end to the struggle and suffering. 

You promised. 

Was that steam rising from the hot tears rolling down her frozen cheeks? Or was it just her labored breaths forcing their way into the waning sunlight? 

The settlement exists. It has to. Don't you dare fucking stop moving! 

Her hand grips the handle of the knife, trying to somehow stifle the pain. It had been a brutal mental battle to not try and pull it out like her instincts demanded she do. It would only make her bleed out faster, leaving it gave her at least a small chance to find help and survive. 

Was she losing her mind or did she hear a dog barking? And… footsteps in the snow? She tried to move faster, fear turning into a lead ball in her stomach. In her haste, she slipped, and only just managed to turn her body so she didn't land on the knife. The fall knocked the meager amount of air from her aching lungs. She tried to be quiet but couldn't help the loud wheezing as she tried to catch her breath. 

The footsteps crunched closer, and she heard a voice call out. She strained, attempting to push herself up on the arm that wasn't still holding onto the knife, but all of her remaining strength had abandoned her. She started crying in earnest then, and shame washed over her. After everything, this was how she faced the end? Sobbing in the snow, unable to fight off whatever new hell was about to find her?

She felt the cold, wet nose of a dog prod her cheek. Her eyes squeezed shut and she waited for the animal to tear her throat out. Instead she heard a low whine and the dog laid down and rested its head on her chest. She opened her eyes as it began to snow again. The edges of her vision were starting to go fuzzy and gray but before she succumbed to the dark embrace of unconsciousness, the face of a woman looked down at her. She was talking, but she couldn't make out the words. 

…

That was a year ago.  And if she was being honest, she had no idea how she survived. Even though the woman and her group managed to get her back to their settlement, which definitely existed, she had been in terrible shape.  Hospitals were a thing of the past, they had disappeared along with the rest of the civilized world twenty years ago.  But somehow, the residents of Jackson were able to nurse her back to health and welcomed her as a new member of the community.  Maria, the kind but no nonsense woman that had been the first person to find her after the dog, had been an angel.  She was married to a handsome man named Tommy and the two of them were expecting a baby within the next few months.  He was a sweet guy, perhaps a little rough around the edges, but who wasn’t after an apocalypse? 

A while ago another man and a teenage girl had passed through.  Y/N had stayed away when she heard that the man was Tommy’s brother.  Maria always insisted that she was practically family, but there was something about the reunion between the two men that felt fragile and like the presence of another person would be the thing that pushed them over the cliff.  The two hadn’t stayed long, but afterwards Maria and Tommy had a lot of hushed conversations.  She decided it wasn’t her place to ask questions, telling herself that Maria would bring up the topic if she wanted a friend’s ear.  

So she continued her little routine.  Before cordyceps, she had worked in alterations at a wedding dress boutique.  Jackson didn’t have many people who knew how to sew much past mending a seam or taking up a hem.  Somehow they were able to find a sewing machine that still functioned and she became the seamstress of their little village.  There was nearly a daily stream of repairs for her.  When it was no longer possible to pop over to the local Walmart when your jeans ripped, clothes were kept and repaired for as long as the garment could still be worn.  But she did have down time, and would often take scraps of old clothing and make quilts for residents or stuffed toys for the children.  

She never gave things out herself.  The old taunts from the QZ still played on repeat in her mind whenever she didn’t wait long enough for the dining hall to empty out.  Maria and Tommy were the only two people she could bring herself to trust, and no amount of reassurances from the other woman had convinced her to give the others a chance.  

…

Joel and Ellie were back.  Both alive, with a plethora of new scars both visible and invisible.  Tommy was obviously relieved to see his brother in one piece again, and thankful that he still had Ellie with him.  The bond between the two had strengthened, neither one of them the same person that had originally walked through the gates.  Maria sensed an underlying tension in the air but chose to let it lie.  Why disturb the peace when it was so damn hard to come by these days?

Now that they were there to stay, the little house they had used on their first visit was their official home.  Y/N saw Joel and Tommy talking on his and Maria’s porch on her morning walk to work.  The girl was fidgety and clearly bored.  Her hands were stuffed into the pocket on her hooded sweatshirt and she scuffed her boots against the ground, muttering to herself.  

“Can I go see the horses?”  She called out to the men.  They turned to look at her, Joel’s face annoyed, Tommy’s amused.  

“Can you just wait for five goddamn minutes?”  Joel growled.  Ellie snorted.  

“You said that five minutes ago you grouchy asshole.”  Y/N wasn’t awake enough to stifle her laugh at the girl’s sharp words.  Ellie whirled around and narrowed her eyes.

“Something funny?”  Y/N felt the mirth dry up in her throat.  Did the girl think she was laughing at her?  

“N-no, I’m sorry.”  Ellie looked her up and down and Y/N found herself absolutely terrified at what the child might say next.  

“Y/N!”  Tommy pushed his way past his brother and strode up to her with his arm outstretched, taking a gentle hold of her arm when he reached her.  “This is my brother Joel and his uh…  This is Ellie.”  She felt her face get hot as she was led closer to the house.  “They’ve decided to stay this time.”  

“Oh, um.  Nice to meet you.”  She looked down at her shoes, wishing she had started out earlier, or waited another ten minutes to walk over to the commissary.  

“She’s lived here about a year, and she’s practically family.”  Tommy told them with a smile, clearly happy to have found a way to shift away from whatever he and Joel had been discussing.  “If you ever need any o’your clothes fixed up she does it all.  Don’t know how we managed before we found her.”  

“Huh.  Could have used you when I had to sew his guts back together..”  Ellie said flippantly.  She crossed her arms and kicked at a loose stone.  

“Jesus, Ellie.”  Joel scrubbed his hand over his face in exasperation.  

“I um, didn’t mean to interrupt you all.”  Y/N said quietly.  Tommy swung his arm around her shoulders and side hugged her.  

“Don’t worry about it.  We were just talking about when Ellie might join the other kids at the school.”

“Without Ellie’s input!”  The girl rolled her eyes.  

“There’s no point in stalling, kid.  Might as well go over there today.”  Joel told her.  

“I already know how to read and write and shit,”  Ellie spit out.  “I can do other stuff, help hunt or patrol or something.”  

“And I think maybe she could take a few days to get settled before she starts going to classes.”  Tommy was trying to be the voice of reason.  Ellie was frustrated with both men.  Joel looked like he was ready chew glass.  

“I should really get going,”  Y/N started, trying to pull away from Tommy without it being too obvious that she wanted to bolt.  “I think a group went out during the night and they always come back with tears…”  Maria chose that moment to open the door and see what was going on.  

“Hey, lady!”  She smiled at Y/N.  “You wanna come in for some tea before you start your to-do pile?”  She felt trapped.  Tommy wanted her as a buffer between him and the school argument, and it felt like Maria was giving her a silent plea to accept the invitation.  

“I… Sure.”  Resigned, she started towards the porch.  The closer she got to Joel, the more it felt like there was a group of frogs jumping around in her stomach, he had an intimidating aura around him.  To her horror she stumbled on the first step and he caught her by the arm.  His grip was far more gentle than she expected.  

“Okay, there?”  He asked her in a quiet, gravely tone. Not trusting herself to speak, she only nodded in response.  He looked at her, and she felt an uncomfortable sensation, like she was about to give a speech in front of a large group of people.  He gave her a sharp nod and let go of her arm, striding down off the porch.  “Let’s go see the damn horses.”  He muttered to Ellie and the girl’s face broke into a triumphant grin before she scuttled after him.  

“You two enjoy your tea.  I’ll meet you for lunch at the dining hall, yeah?”  Maria waved.

“I should be there around one.”  Tommy saluted the two women and started on his way towards the center of their little town.  Maria ushered Y/N into the house and took her coat to hang up by the door.  

“I’m glad you wandered by, the three of them would still be arguing.”  She walked into the kitchen and took out a slightly chipped mug, dropping a tea bag into it.  

“You don’t have to go through the trouble, I probably have a pile of stuff to start working on.”  Maria shook her head and pointed at the table.  

“Everyone here’s got a spare pair of pants, you can sit for a few minutes.”  Y/N knew better than to argue and settled into a chair.  Maria poured hot water into the mug and slid it over to her with a spoon.  “I still have some of that honey we harvested, help yourself.”  Y/N smiled to herself when she noticed the swell of Maria’s abdomen as the other woman cut herself a couple slices of bread.  There was already a soft flannel teddy bear squirreled away in her house, and she was collecting scraps to make a quilt for the baby.  She hoped that they would like them.  The couple had already done so much for her, and she wanted nothing more than to somehow pay back even a little of what they had given her.  With a quiet sigh, she scooped up a spoonful of thick, golden honey and stirred it into her tea.  The morning sun shone through the kitchen window and reflected off the liquid, and she felt foolish that it made her think of Joel’s eyes when she had looked up at him after almost falling on her face.  She rubbed at her arm where he had saved her from total embarrassment.  Maria sat down across from her and spread some of the honey onto her toast.  When she looked up at Y/N, the almost dreamy look on her friend’s face made her wonder for a moment, before she smiled and took a bite of her breakfast.  

next

[mariatesstruther]

Stay with me,,,, (I'm half asleep so everything I'm saying is nonsense. Forgive)

Tommy and Maria being similar to Jake and Amy, right?

HOW DID TOMMY AND MARIA PROPOSE TO EACH OTHER?

cause I'm thinking of how Jake proposed to Amy and how it was the best thing ever, which made me think of tommy and maria, which made me think they should have a similar vibe

BUT IDK!!!!

OKAY OKAY OKAY I HAVE IDEAS ON THIS

first of all im kicking myself bc i read a tumblr post or fic or SOMETHING online somewhere before that inspired a small bit of how i imagine tommy would propose, and now i can’t find it??? so if this*** sounds familiar it’s definitely based on something i’m just blanking on what it is and will give full credit to op or whatever fucking thing im forgetting. this is also partly based off of how my dad and my mom became official

similar to jake and amy, i imagine them having a really goofy and sweet proposal story, like tommy has to ask maria a million times or sometimes does fake-outs like jim from the office, and maybe it’s something the entirety of jackson is invested.

im also thinking maybe maria wouldn’t want to reallyget married again, not necessarily because of her late husband but more because jackson just makes such a fuss out of weddings and she does not have time to plan that shit and she had a big wedding for her first marriage for the sake of her mother and hated it, so yeah no. she’s just maybe not big on getting married, and for the first bit of time she’s with tommy, she know he really likes her but isn’t surely thinking he wants anything serious. so for a while, maybe a year and a half to two years in, it’s just them being in love as tommy and maria, more partners than anything else to eachother, and that’s just fine with her

so imagine her surprise when one day her and tommy are eating dinner in the dining hall and one of jackson’s biggest gossips comes over and is like “y’all are just too darn cute—now tommy, when are we gonna see a ring on that finger?? it’s a shame this lady aint tied down” and tommy, cool as a fucking cucumber, just goes “oh don’t you worry, i got plans for that” because ??????????? huh????—?

she has to hold back choking on her fucking drink, she’s so taken aback. she waits until whoever that was goes on their marry fuckin way and then blinks, going “um????? you’ve got plans???” because maria is always the one with the plans. tommy hates plans. he says he loves that she loves them, but in a life an unpredictable as this, they often just get in the way; she doesn’t always disagree. but now, apparently, his plan for marriage is sure as his shooting aim, because he just smiles at her a dashingly and winks, murmuring out a smooth and flirty “yes, ma’am. i do i have plans.” for the rest of the dinner, her left leg bounces shakily under the table as he smirks as her from across the way.

because suddenly marriage doesn’t sound so bad, not when it’s marriage to her handsome cowboy goofball; the wedding she would still definitely rather just skip, but she’s sure she can convince tommy of that later. so for the rest of the night and week and month, she is on Red Alert to be proposed to, and unfortunately it just wracks her nerves

but because tommy is Tommy, he lovingly teases and fucks with her just perfectly enough to settle her mind down. he starts mixing in fake-out proposals (he does the shoe-tying one from the office while they’re hiking and watching a sunset during a romantic preproposal date two-person patrol, and she threatens to kick him off the cliff) with joking little asks for her hand in between mundane requests (hey baby, could you be a dear and marry me, then pass me the salt? im kiddin, just kiddin, i aint gonna ask like tha—what? what?? maria! come back!), also mixed with genuinely breathtaking little notes to declare how much he loves her one every few days (a note left on her dresser for her to wake up to one rare morning where tommy was up and out before her: “hey baby. just wanted to let you know how much i love you and how lucky i am to be here with you in my life. you guide me toward a greatness i never thought i could even achieve. i want to make you happy everyday. i can’t wait to call you my wife. seeya at lunch, mi vida. yours, tommy”) until eventually the pressure of being asked The Big Thing isn’t something she’s so anxious for anymore, until thinking about it just makes her smile. she’s looking forward to tommy being her husband more than anything

@bearrycool tysm again baby i got to go to sleep and wake up thinking abt this and it puts a big big big smile on my face

[thatawkwardmoth]

Part two of the Last Of Us normal au headcanons:

Age gap is definitely ignored. They're (Ellie and Sarah) like a year at most apart.

Joel can cook. It's rare that he goes all out with new recipes especially before Tommy got married and quit coming over all the time. But he can cook and he and Sarah love bonding over cooking and baking.

Ellie can and will only eat Chef Boyardee for a week until Joel finally puts his foot down.

Hes not fond of "Fend for yourself" nights. He'll usually make sure there's something easy to make, even if it's microwave Mac and cheese and sandwiches and a veggie tray to get all the food groups needed. That or he'll leave money and take out menus.

Ellie has a bunk bed. Most people think it's for Sarah to stay in when she gets nightmares and only wants her older sister. But its actually for Riley. When she stops by and needs a place to crash, she has a comfy bed and a section of Ellie's closet.

Joel will fight every homophobe in the world for Ellie. There's no one he can't take down and he's proud of it.

Ellie has beaten people up for trying to make fun of Sarah for being so girly and 'nerdy'.

Sarah learns how to drive first, Joel teaching her in his truck. He's holding off teaching Ellie because he's scared for the other people on the road.

Sarah's everything is pink. It's her color. Every gift, every load of laundry, every little thing in the house, if it's pink, it Sarah's.

Joel buys the girls flowers when he's working long weeks when he doesn't see them except for early in the morning before school. It's not an apology entirely.

Definitely takes them out on father-daughter dates.

Joel almost cried explaining to a young Sarah what happened to Ellie. It was just so sick and made his stomach hurl. He never wanted Sarah anywhere near people like that.

Ellie was a leash kid. Obviously.

Main family outing place is the zoo. Or the planetarium.

Ellie is very serious about going to the Moon, even if she hates math with a passion.

They don't have a dog but they do have two rabbits. One is Sarah's, named Dewdrop, and it's very sweet. Ellie's is named Anarchy because it has it out for Joel. Will fuck him up if he walks into Ellie's room while he's free roaming.

Riley doesn't die. She moves away after her parents die.

Ellie still kept the bunk beds in her room. Except now it was for all the friends she made at school as well as Riley if she ever came back.

Sarah and Ellie have matching butterfly necklaces they got for each other. Ellie's is blue and pink, Sarah's color and her signature blue butterfly. Sarah's is red and black, because Riley told Ellie she looked good in red and Ellie internalized it.

Ellie and Sam are constantly posted at the comic book shop, waiting for new releases or just to reread issues.

Joel is considering getting Ellie a service dog for her PTSD, because her therapist recommended it. But they're expensive.

Joel has never once yelled or scolded Ellie for fighting back during an episode. When she's remembering what happened to her before she got adopted, she starts swinging on Joel when he's trying to get to calm down and do the exercises her therapist taught her. He usually congratulates her, telling her that "it's what I want you to do. Fight back till the end, till you're safe."

Sarah is constantly asking for Joel and Tess to have a baby.

Ellie once joked that she was going to give Sarah a baby for Christmas if Joel didn't. That was the first time Joel ever grounded her and she still laughs at the way his face dropped and the instant threat that followed.

Sarah and Ellie's favorite thing is getting home from anything late, dinner with Maria as a girls day thing, basketball game ran late, whatever, and there's Joel sitting on on porch, light on outside and in the living room, eyes peeled on the road to the Cul-de-sac.

Joel only listens to country and he would rather die than admit to anyone that, after Ellie and Sarah showed him how to make a Playlist, he made one for them.

The Playlist that has songs reminding him of both of them are all very sweet and sometimes on long, bad days, it's the only thing he'll listen to.

Ellie has a record player she loves more than life itself.

Ellie is a horse girl and joined the 4H club for that reason alone. Joel laughed when she'd come back and complain about no fucking horses being there.

Sarah is a straight "A" student. Ellie is a low A-high B student. She doesn't really care for sitting in a classroom all day.

Joel homeschooled Ellie until 4th grade (9-10 years old) just so she was caught up and really prepared for public school.

Both girls enjoy the old westerns they watch with Joel. They'll just never admit it and will make fun of them while watching.

Tommy thinks he's safe from the snark of Joel's kids entering his own until Ellie teaches his toddler, who is already going through the terrible two's, how to say fuck and reasons to be mad at their parents.

Ellie is no longer trusted to babysit Tommy and Maria's kid.

The fridge has a white board on it that Joel uses to write notes out for shopping, the schedule of the week. It has since evolved to Sarah and Ellie writing notes for him.

Example:

"We're out of milk, put that on the list."-S

"You need to shower when you come home from work, I can't stand the smell of whatever chemicals you're using. :)"-S

"I'm gonna add a box of black hair dye to the list, for all your little grey hairs."

Ellie only calls Joel "Dad" when it's serious or she's really sick. She's still scared he doesn't see her as his actual daughter.

Sarah learned to bake cakes because Joel would always forget to grab one for his birthday (not the girls', never the girls'). It's now tradition for her and Ellie spending the day before decorating his cake with stupid things. Like really bad sheep drawings and cowboy hats in bright pink and green icing on a chocolate cake.

Ellie will have as many screaming matches with Marlene and Maria as she wants, she doesn't like what they think about Joel.

Ellie finds it really embarrassing but hidden in her desk, a drawing of her and a giraffe lives. It's all shitty stick figures and only the names tell you what is happening but it's the first good memory Ellie had. The day Joel took them to the zoo to open Ellie up some and break the ice.

A giraffe stuffed animal from that same Zoo Trip lives on a shelf next to her first ever basketball trophy. It's kind of like a keepsake shelf.

One side of the fridge is covered top to counter in Polaroids of Ellie and Sarah and Joel. Mainly of Ellie and Sarah.

First time Sarah lost a tooth, Joel freaked. He was young and Tommy just laughed at him.

Neither girl has met Joel's parents. One parent is dead and the other lives states away for a reason, as Joel always puts it.

Joel is a personal purse for both of them. He's constantly got Ellie's chapstick, Sarah's hairtie, something of someone's in his pockets, on his person because they don't have any pockets or space.

Ellie has a garden she's very passionate about. Sarah helps her with it but Joel isn't allowed to. He stepped on one to many plants and he's banned.

Sarah and Ellie have scrapbooks of each other and then one of all their travel plans when they get older.

Sarah's good at art, and painted a mural on Ellie's wall of different flowers Ellie mentioned she loved.

Ellie's not so good at art but she is good at building and DIY things so she built Sarah her own little hangout space in the attic.

The attic is used to be storage but Sarah and Ellie use it as a hobby space and a hangout zone when Joel kicks them out of the living room for grown-up talk time

[friendly-neighborhood-kinnie]

The Last of Us- Kin

⚠️MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE LAST OF US EPISODE 6 AND ALL EPISODES PRIOR!!⚠️

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oh boy did this episode make me cry. I was not fully prepared when I started it. But like I said before this episode was amazing. This is mostly mentioning my favourite parts and my opinions and read into one things.

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We start it off with a three month time skip (which yay we get an official semi timeline) it's winter and they're obviously in the cabin. You see how the bond between Joel and Ellie has grown between that time. And it's such a great thing to see. Joel being annoyed at Ellie seriously reminds me of my dad when he's annoyed with me. Also the lady made them soup and I love that.

These two were definitely some of my favourite side characters.

I also love how you see Joel beginning to struggle, beginning to fear. And you see Ellie worried and scared for him and she tells the honest truth, she's fucked if he's dead.

They're still teasing each other, and Ellie is pushing to learn to hunt and shoot the rifle and help out.

The two talk about their plans for after the cure, and it's such a sweet moment between them. Joel wants to be a sheep farmer and Ellie wants to be an astronaut. They have such a great conversation in this scene and I love it.

Ellie tells Joel about how she tried to help Sam, she feels bad. Joel tells her it's more complicated and tells her the fireflies would be able to do it.

"Dream of sheep ranches on the moon" "I will" was literally adorable. Just thought y'all should know.

Joel having fallen asleep and the first sign of his nightmares. Ellie prepared to protect them both, and Joel upset that she didn't wake him up because he's supposed to protect her.

Her trying to whistle and the dam scene are just great. And Joel being like 'I don't have a clue' when he knew she was going to ask how it worked making electricity and Ellie telling him he could have just made something up and she would believe him 👀

The horsemen coming suddenly and Joel immediately grabbing Ellie and having her get behind him. His clear panic as he tells her she'll be okay and to listen. The moment they both realize that while Joel isn't infected so the dog can't smell it Ellie they don't know if the dog will smell it. The look of fear she gives Joel and the clear fear he has to the point he panics. Joel is frozen and doesn't know what to do.

Ellie's giggles were adorable though.

Tommy and Joel reuniting is such a bittersweet moment. The two are happy, but if you look at Ellie's reaction it seems sad. Might be reading into that one.

Joel trying to keep up his manners and Ellie just being her usual self.

HI DINA! Oh my god I loved that little detail.

Ellie is very clearly on edge, and much more passive aggressive.

Then finding out the two are married and Ellie being like congrats 🥳 than Joel say congrats 😠

The small tour we get of Jackson. And Ellie asking if Tommy can teach her to shoot. Joel's immediate protest.

The sheep!

Tommy realizing he's a communist is so fucking funny.

Shimmer!!!!

Ellie's reluctance to be away from Joel.

Tommy and Joel's talk and finding out Maria is pregnant?! Seeing how Joel is still struggling. Oh my godddd

Joel having another panic attack and seeing the girl that looks like Sarah is so heartbreaking.

Ellie's reaction to the Diva cup makes me giggle it's so cute. I love her.

Seeing that Maria had a kid and than Sarah's death date. That memorial made me tear up.

Ellie doesn't seem to like haircuts, but agrees to Maria trimming her hair.

Ellie immediately coming to Joel's defense.

Ellie is very defensive and on edge in this episode because she's clearly scared.

Tommy and Joel conversation 2.0. Joel telling Tommy she's immune.

Joel feeling at fault for not helping more at the motel with Henry and Sam and when the dog was sniffing them. Even though he couldn't because he was held at gunpoint point both times. He still balmes himself and it's heartbreaking.

I was sobbing as soon as Joel began to express his fear. Ellie is his child. And he can't stand risking her life. His dreams about failing her. (I genuinely think he was talking about both Sarah and Ellie) him crying just seriously got me.

Him so scared to get her killed that he wants Tommy to get her there. But even more scared that someone else will find those bite marks and kill her.

Ellie walking around, likely looking for Joel because she probably hasn't seen him since they separated.

Ellie and Joel's argument being almost exactly like the game made me cry more. I feel like the scene was much more impactful in the show than the game. It still hurt, but somehow it hurt more.

The clear betrayal that Ellie feels in this scene because Joel has been her ONLY constant for months.

The flashbacks of Sarah. Hurt. Joel is so scared of failing another kid.

Tommy and Ellie going into the stables just to see Joel. And Ellie immediately choosing to go with him.

Tommy and Joel saying goodbye :(

Joel teaching Ellie to shoot!!!!! This scene was so cute and funny. Joel getting the shot the first time and Ellie just being appalled. It's so funny.

Ellie just asking about life before and 'the contractor' is so great.

Ellie placing her head on Joel's back!!!

Joel explaining what I'm assuming is football to Ellie.

Ellie imitating Joel and 'the contractorrrrr'

Ellie still just teasing Joel about him wanting to be a singer and her asking to hear him sing.

The monkeys! Which honestly loved, also I've scene a few people mention the giraffe scene from the game and that doesn't happen until after winter. So we might still get it. I hope we do.

Joel not hearing the radier coming and Ellie having to warn him. Than her reaction to him being stabbed. And rushing him to get on the horse and when they're far enough away Ellie being relieved just for that relief to be crushed a few seconds later when Joel falls of the horse.

Her begging him to wake up because she needs him. She can't do it without him.

I've also scene a lot of people commenting how the university scene was a bit rushed and how the fight was rushed as well and honestly I think it was pretty good still. The scene was sudden and the realization that he was stabbed is shocking because it happened to quick.

Also I've scene a lot of people mention how they don't get how Joel didn't feel himself get stabbed and it was likely adrenaline. And if he'd gotten impaled like in the game than he would not have made it. That was unrealistic on the game.

Also I love the way they present Joel's panic attacks. It's so perfect. The ringing in the ears and the muffled voices. God it was brilliant.

I truly loved this episode and it seriously exceeded my expectations. And I stopped going into each episode blind after episode 5 because I watched every cut scene from the first game. But I'm going into the next episode blind because I haven't scene the left behind cut scenes.

I loved all the bonding we got between Joel and Ellie! And I'm super excited to read what other come up with between the three month time skip we got.

I am so excited for the next few episodes and so scared at the same time!

[teacupcollector]

A Helping Hand - Chapter 3

Series Masterlist Summary - As a woman who is pregnant you are doing anything if it means survival. Even so you found yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, or was it the other way around? Now you are in the community of Jackson and you can’t help but attract a certain pair of hazel eyes.

(Hello! I would like to note that this is much longer then what I usually write for a chapter so I hope it doesn’t come as a bother. I hope you all enjoy!)

From then on those thirty minute talks became a regular thing between the two of you. You and Joel would meet up, mostly at night on each other's porches and just talk or maybe just sit in silence. He seemed to be very rough around the edges in the beginning especially when it came to questions about his past. All you really knew about Joel before the outbreak was that he was a divorcee and was a carpenter. You decided not to push it and talk about other things. As of right now you both were currently sitting on a porch swing on your porch. He had his guitar in his lap playing a soft little tune and humming.

"You ever play?" He asks out of the blue. "What? Oh no I have never played." You say. "Would ya like to?" He asks. "I couldn't even if I tried." You laughed. "My belly is almost the size of a full grown watermelon. The guitar wouldn't fit in my lap." You say and he chuckles. "But I will say this little sucker likes hearing you play." You say rubbing your belly. "He looks between you and your belly. "Does he?" Joel asks. "Yes definitely! They wouldn't give me a break until you started playing." You say with a warm smile. "And how do you know they are a 'He?' How can you tell?" You asks and he chuckles. "You're carrying low." You give him a confused look and he chuckles. "That means the weight is lower. With a girl it would be more elevated." He says setting the guitar against the railing of the porch. "And how would you know that?" You ask. He pauses for a moment before saying. "I had a daughter before all of this happened." You try not to have a reaction. You place a comforting hand on his arm. "You don't have to talk about it Joel." "I uh... I'll tell you one day okay sweetheart?" He asks and you nod with a blush.

There is a silence before Joel asks. "If you don't mind me asking. What happened to the father?" You sigh and look down removing your hand from his arm. "Well it is kind of hard to explain." You let out a nervous laugh. "It was mainly a friends with benefits thing..." You says looking ahead. "... But he did step up when he found out I was pregnant. I would be dead if it wasn't for him." You say with a quiver present in your voice. "There were these fucking hunters that attacked us. We were talking about baby names." You say with a laugh as tears fill your eyes. "We were best friends from the start actually. It was just us against the world." You sniffle. "He sacrificed himself to save me and I have to live with the thought that I got him killed." You say wiping your eyes as tears begin to fall down your face. "You didn't get him killed (Y/N)..." "Yes I did." "You didn't." "I did!" You cry out. Joel immediately wraps an arm around you bringing your head to his chest.  "All I can think about is that he got chopped up into tiny pieces!" You say into his chest. "I-I went back even though he told me not to. I went back to see if he was dead and... And all that was left was his head!" She sobs into Joel's chest grabbing onto his jacket. He wraps his other arm around you, one cradling your head and the other rubbing soothing circles on your back. He stands up with you and guides you inside to your bedroom. He makes sure you lay down and tucks you into bed. "D-don't leave! Please..." You whimper and he nods bringing your desk chair over and sitting down. "I'm sorry..." You murmur as your eyes drift close.

Ever since that day Joel made sure he did his best to make himself available to you. When he isn't on patrol or with Ellie he is with you. The early tells of Spring has just arrived so as a small celebration everyone decided to get together in the square of Jackson. Kids were playing and singing, there were streamers and fairy lights hanging off the buildings, there were small fold up tables with drinks and food on them, and then there was you. You were in some black flats wearing a beautiful maternity sun dress and Joel couldn't keep his eyes off of you. Your hair was styled differently, or maybe it was the same but never have you looked so beautiful. His eyes traveled from your smooth exposed legs, to the swell of your stomach and hips, to the fullness of your breasts, up your neck, then finally your beautiful side profile. When they say that a woman is glowing when she is pregnant, that would be an understatement when it came to you. He was convinced that you could outshine the sun if you wanted. He is nudged to the side slightly breaking him from his trance. He looks beside him to see his little brother next to him. Tommy had a shit eating smirk on his face. "What?" Joel grunts. "She's beautiful ain't she?" Tommy asks looking to see his brothers reaction. Joel only grunts and looks away. "Why don't ya just tell her?" He asks and Joel sighs. "She is to young for me Tommy..." Tommy sighs. "She isn't that young, she is in her thirties." Tommy says trying to reason with his brother. "She is going to have a baby Tommy. She shouldn't have to deal with an old man like me..." Joel says with sadness filling his voice.

"You know she talks a big deal about you right?" Tommy asks. Joel looks at him curious urging him to continue. "She boasts about ya. Sayin' how helpful you are to her and stuff." Tommy says before continuing. "You both were the talk of the town when you went off on Seth. You have been spending a lot of time with her." He says then nods in your direction. "Ellie seems to like her as well." Joel looks up and sees you smiling and laughing with both Dina and Ellie. Dina seemingly can't keep her hands off you bump and the two teens eyes widening with excitement when they feel a kick from the little life that is inside you. There was currently music playing as couples begin to pair off with each other. He sees you place both hands on your belly and go to sit on a bench that was placed near the square for this event. Joel sighs and continues to admire you. "You deserve to be happy brother... Now you go ask that pretty lady to dance." He says elbowing Joel's side gently and Joel nods and begins to make his way over to you.

Despite all the ruckus in the square you have never felt happier. This was your first town event since you have been here and you couldn't be more excited. When it came to the preparation and set up of this event you wanted to help in any way you could. Maria decided it would be best if you didn't do any hard labor since you were coming up on eight months now. Maria thought it would be a good idea to distract the children so they wouldn't get in the way and you gladly accepted. You spent all morning coloring, reading books, and playing with them. They all were very curious about your stomach and you allowed them to feel. All the kids decided to color you and the baby when he or she arrives. They all also made a book of names for you to choose such as: Hotdog, Teddy, and Sprinkles. You giggled and laughed all morning until one of the mainly residents came to let you know that the kids are allowed to go to the event. You had them walk in two single file lines all the way to the square and to say that the parents as well as Maria weren't impressed would be a lie. Maria went up to you immediately and offered you a spot for helping and or teaching the kids. You accepted but only after your baby was born to which she agreed.

As of right now you just got out of a conversation with Dina and Ellie. You were happy to be talking to them despite the fifteen or sixteen year age difference. You decided it was best to sit down and get off your feet for a bit. You let out a sigh of relief as you sit down on the bench. You roll your ankles in circular motions in order to relieve some tension. You close your eyes and hum along to the music when there was suddenly a tap on your knee. You open them to see one of the kids standing next to you. He had brown hair with many freckles and brown eyes, he was maybe around  eight years old. "Would you like to dance Miss (Y/N)?" He asks and you smile. "Of course good sir I would love to dance with you." You stand up and walk to a free space where people weren't dancing. You had to lean down  slightly in order to hold his hands as you both sway back and forth. The child went on and on about how his day was going, what his friends were going to do at the sleep over, and even how you were his favorite teacher. The conversation was interrupted when Joel tapped on the young boys shoulder. "Mind if I cut in?" He asks with a small smile and the boy shakes his head before going to run off with his friends. Both you and Joel stand there for a moment before he reaches out his hand. "Hi..." He says seemingly gazing at you. "Hi..." You say taking his hand. He brings you as close as he could despite your belly getting in the way. He places his other hand at the small of your back and begins to sway from foot to foot. "How are you?" He ask. "I couldn't be better." You say smiling. You look him up and down to see him in a button up flannel of sorts. His sleeves are rolled up to expose his forearms and to say he looked good was an understatement. " You clean up nice. " You say with a smile before releasing his hand wand wrapping both of them behind his neck. "I try and look nice every once and a while." He says with a smirk. "And you dance too?" You ask. He nods before taking your hands off his neck and slowly twirl you to where your back was against his chest. You let out a joyful laugh and look over your shoulder to smile up at him. "You've got moves huh Mr. Miller?" You says smiling. "That I do." He says looking down at you. Your eyes are locked in a trance as you both can't seem to stop. You were sure you could feel his heart beating out of his chest against your back. You find yourself glancing down at his lips and he does the same. You begin to lean in and up slightly closing your eyes when suddenly you feel him pull away. "Sorry..." He mumbles before walking away from you leaving you on the dance floor by yourself. To say your heart didn't ache would be a lie.

[joelsowlmug]

I want to talk about the fact that both Tommy and Maria don’t wear their wedding rings in the second game. He definitely has one in the first game. It would make sense for Tommy to take his off while out on patrol but not when he’s coming by to visit Ellie after Joel’s death.

Did they fight about going after the WLF? She still wants Ellie to go get him and bring him back so she clearly wants him to come back safely but I think it’s possible they both might have said some things in the heat of the moment when she was telling him she wouldn’t allow him to go get his justice. We know they talked about it and that, while he was half-heartedly trying to get Ellie to reconsider going, I do think it meant just as much to him as it did to Ellie. Joel was his big brother, his one last connection to the old world. He likely feels guilty for everything that went down and the fact that he wasn’t able to stop Abby and the others.

I kinda think it’s probably just not something the devs thought to put in but I am headcanonning that they fought, means words were said, maybe some threats, and maybe after that they both removed their rings. Maybe just to prove a point. That if Tommy went, if he left her and Jackson, that maybe she was like Dina and told him she wouldn’t just be waiting around to see if he lived or died. And maybe when he went to see Ellie he was still mulling the whole thing over but when she kept pushing, he decided to try his best to keep her safe by going out on his own and writing that letter to Maria. He would have wanted to keep Ellie safe for Joel. I think he might’ve left the ring behind to make sure it was safe. Also we know he knows he’s in deep shit with Maria when they get back so he goes through the trouble of finding her a necklace.

When they finally came back, Maria was probably still upset with him but also so fucking relieved that they made it back that they did try to patch things up. But then it became clear he was still stuck on everything that went down in Seattle and I think it came to a point where it was either keep obsessing about the past or choose to move on and Tommy just wasn’t able to by then.

[writing-imagines]

Jackson’s Favorite Trader // An Ellie Williams imagine

Request: Since you said you wanted more ellie requests I thought I send one in so how about a Reader x ellie where R is like the one every girl likes and they're really cool and confident and ellie is just head over heels for them it's cute and fluffy

Warnings: none, just fluff and some angst if you squint hard enough

Saying you were tired was an understatement. Your eyelids felt like they weighed a hundred pounds each, taking a single step felt like running a marathon, and your shoulders felt like they had the literal weight of the world on them. Even though you were exhausted you still put on a happy face for everyone.

The trading trip hadn’t gone as planned, resulting in you coming back nearly empty handed and fully experienced in being caught in a life or death situation. The freezing cold temperatures and seemingly endless amount of snowfall didn’t help either. You replayed the trip in your head, wondering what Tommy and Maria would say about the lack of supplies.

“Y/n is back!” A high pitched voice called out the second you walked out of the stables, effectively pulling you out of your thoughts. You looked up from the snow covered ground to see a small group of children sprinting towards you. You instantly smiled when you saw the kids running towards you, knowing exactly what they wanted.

“Did you get us any candy?” A little redhead girl asked while excitedly jumping up and down.

“Yeah, did you get us any candy, y/n?” A smaller boy with green eyes asked while tugging on your jacket.

“What about crayons?” A little blonde girl asked and tugged at your jeans.

“No candy or crayons, kiddos. But I did manage to get you these.” You reached into your jacket pocket and pulled out three small wooden race cars. The kid’s eyes all widened as you held the cars out for them to take. They each grabbed one and smiled as if they had just received a puppy.

“Thanks, y/n! You’re the best!” The little boy threw his arms around your legs before quickly running back towards town. The little girls also gave you a quick ‘thanks’ before following the little boy. You felt a warm feeling form in your chest as you watched them run away. There was something about seeing people smile in the terrible world that made you happy.

You continued your journey to Main Street, practically following the kid’s footprints. As you rounded the corner of the tailor’s shop, an oh so familiar voice called out for you.

“Y/n!” You quickly turned your head towards the sound of the voice to see Jesse making a beeline towards you. His smile was bigger than all of the kid’s smiles combined.

“Well, well, well. Look who decided to come back to Jackson. The whole town thought you abandoned us for Rockwell.” Your best friend pulled you into a hug and lifted you off the ground for a moment. You would never admit it, since it would only grow Jesse’s ego, but you actually really missed him.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily. I would have been back sooner, but things went a little haywire once I crossed the river outside Charlottesville.” You pulled away from the hug and immediately noticed Jesse’s furrowed eyebrows.

“What happened?” You looked away from your friend’s eyes and nervously bit your lip. You really didn’t want to relive that part of the trip, but you knew Jesse would pry if you didn’t.

“A horde came through and I had to hide in an abandoned hunter’s cabin until it passed. It took two days I think.” Jesse’s face fell before he let out a sigh.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone, y/n. I should have gone with you.” Your best friend dropped his head, obviously frustrated that he didn’t go with you on the trip. Not wanting him to feel bad, you placed a supportive hand on Jesse’s shoulder.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. I came back in one piece, didn’t I?” Jesse raised his head, his sad expression was replaced with a slight smile.

“Yeah, you did.” You allowed your hand to drop back to your side as Jesse’s smile grew a little more.

“Then there’s nothing to feel bad about, Jesse. If anything, discovering the horde is a good thing. I’ll tell Tommy about it and he can warn the patrols to stay away from that part of the river.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’m definitely tagging along next time, okay?”

“We’ll see about that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Tommy.”

“No, I’ll find Tommy and tell him. It’s the least I can do.” You opened your mouth to protest, but allowed your lips to press together again. Normally you would protest and insist on telling Tommy yourself, but you were growing more exhausted by the minute.

“Okay. Remember, it traveled-”

“On the other side of the river outside Charlotteville. I got it, y/n. Now, go home and get some sleep.” Jesse playfully slapped your shoulder, effectively bringing smiles to both your faces.

“Thanks, Jesse. I appreciate it.” You waved goodbye to your friend and spun around on her heels to continue the journey home.

You only made it a few steps down the Main Street before people started noticing your return home. Constant strings of “Y/n is back!”, “look who it is!”, and “welcome home!” rang out as you made your way home. Of course, you gave every passer by a smile and wave to let them know you appreciated their warm welcome home.

By the time you reached your shared home, technically garage, you were running on fumes, your whole body feeling ready to give out. The moment you stepped through the door you took your coat off and kicked your boots off, fully prepared to climb into bed.

“You’re back.” An almost shocked voice said from the other side of the room. Your head shot up from your feet to see your girlfriend standing in the kitchen area, fully dressed in her usual patrol clothes. The sight brought a smile to your face.

“Yeah, I am.” You barely got the words out before Ellie strutted to you and threw her arms around your shoulders.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again, y/n. I thought something bad happened.” Ellie pulled away just enough to cup your face, her thumbs running over your cheek bones.

“I’m sorry. I got caught up with...some stuff.” Ellie’s face fell at your words. She knew whenever you were “caught up” with something it wasn’t good.

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay. I was really fucking worried.”

“I know and I’m sorry, babe.” You tightened your hold around her waist, effectively pulling Ellie flush against you. You two stood in silence for a while, simply enjoying the feeling of being back in each other’s arms. The peaceful silence was inevitably broken by a deep yawn that slipped out of you.

“Someone sounds tired.” Ellie said with a small laugh. She pulled away, making you instantly miss her touch and warmth.

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired though. I did only travel from one side of the county to the other and back. No biggie.” You shrugged your shoulders and watched as your girlfriend rolled her eyes at you.

“Okay, smart ass. Go change and lay down.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

You quickly placed a soft kiss on your girlfriend’s cheek before making your way over to the dresser. With little care, you picked out a fresh pair of clothes and quickly discarded your cold wet ones. As you changed you looked over your shoulder, wondering if Ellie was watching you. Usually after you returned from a long trade, Ellie would watch you like a hawk. Sure enough, she was watching you, but from the comfort of the bed.

“What are you doing?” You asked as you slipped an oversized shirt over your head. Ellie watched contently as you slid on an old pair of sweatpants.

“Waiting for you to get in bed, duh.”

“Don’t you have patrol this morning?” You asked before climbing into bed and facing your girlfriend.

“I do, but I can be late.” Ellie draped an arm over your side and pulled you closer to her. You raised your eyebrows with a questioning look.

“Can you now?”

“I think Maria will understand this time.”

“If you say so. Just don’t blame me when she lectures you about responsibility.” You chuckled as your eyes threatened to flutter shut.

“I won’t. Now, get some sleep.”

You didn’t respond, instead you nuzzled your face in Ellie’s neck. Before you fell into a very much needed deep sleep, you felt Ellie hold you a little tighter and place a soft kiss on your head.

“I love you.” She whispered, unintentionally keeping you awake for a few moments.

“Love you too, El.” You mumbled before finally succumbing to exhaustion. While you slept peacefully all Ellie could think about was how relieved she was that you were finally home, in the safety of her arms.