#today we found out that 3 is enough to kick a troll

[knownflyingobject]

the dynamic minecraft villager in bikinis trio (a story for another time) is back and we brought INFLUENCE

@kokoshnjak @knowncrawlingobject

[simplydannie]

The Runaways || The Meeting

Trigger Warning ‼️ Mention of SA and violence

One of many sets of stories that take place in Under Rageous; detailing the lives of the twins before their rise to fame in the upper city.

Veneer discovers that a gang has been eyeing his sister…. And they have no good intentions. He warns them to leave her alone, but they scoff at his words. Anger then motivates him to take matters into his own hands.

Velvet made her from the Pit with the rations she earned for the night. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for two days…. Especially now that they were feeding a third mouth.

“Freaking Veneer.” She murmured. Her brother felt sympathy and grow attached to a little Troll they had captured nearly a year ago now; Floyd was his name. He was set to be sold to the black market, but Veneer couldn’t part with him. So, he stayed. Being so small he didn’t need too big of rations, but it was still a portion from theirs they had to cut. She took her usual route home, something she always did.

“Tables set!” Veneer chimed from the kitchen, well kind of their kitchen. Their home was a rundown studio. Instead of plastered walls, they had unmatched boards as were the floors. The studio was made up of two small floors, one floor had Velcefs bed while the other had Veneers. Right next to the bedding area was a small kitchen and a couch: at the center, a metal raised board that called a table. Today’s rations were to be delicious, at least that’s what the rumor was around the Pit.

“Table clothes? Huh, where’d we manage table clothes.” Floyd smiled as he hopped on the table. Veneer had made Floyd a tiny dark, orange denim vest. When they found him, all he had were his dark, brown worn out pants and a back pack.

“Got them in a trade! Thought it spruce up the place a bit. Don’t you think?” Veneer asked.

Floyd smiled and nodded, “Definitely gives it something. Let’s get the plates. Vels should be here any minute.”

Veneer glanced at the clock. She was only 3 minutes past her usual time…it wasn’t that bad. She’d be walking in through that door any moment…. Right?

Velvet neared her home, she paused when she saw a group of heathens waiting for her. The leader of them saw her and smiled a sharped tooth grin.

“Hey, gorgeous.” He said. He was tall, about a few years older than she was. His burgundy stringy hair fell down his head, making them look like dreadlocks. A dark over jacket covered his pale bare chest, cargo pants and boots fashioned the bottom half. He was known as Scathe around this part of Under Ragous… and he was very persistent of Velvet.

She ignored him and attempted to walk by. His group blocked her way, keeping her from moving any further, “Move douchebag.” She said.

“Ooohh I LOVE it when you talk like that.” Scathe remarked running his finger along her arm. “I love it when you dress like that too.” She wore her usual dark pink vest over her black tight shirt, mini skirt with combat boots…nothing much but enough to turn him on.

“Drop dead.” She shoved his hand away.

“Baby girl, when are you going to give me a chance?”

“When your dead sounds good.”

“God, I love them spicey.” Scathe attempted to wrap his hands around her waist. She shoved him away, kicking him in the groin.

“I said no!” Velvet backed away. She shoved her way and maneuvered herself from Scathe and his gang. Her hand went to her back pocket where she had a hidden shank; if she had to stab someone in the neck to make home to her brother alive, she’d do it.

“Take a hint, dick.” She scowled.

“Oh I can definitely give you some of that…”

Veneer paced up and down the kitchen frantically. She was now 10 minutes past her time. Where was she?

“Maybe the job took longer than expected.” Floyd had been trying to calm him down, but no luck.

Veneer kept biting his nails, glancing at the clock, “No, no, no. She’s never this late. Never.”

“I said no!”

Velvet? It was her voice. He knew his sister’s voice anywhere. Floyd’s ears also perked up.

“You heard that too?”

“I did.” Floyd responded. Veneer ran to the front door… he paused, he dug around a desk and pulled out a knife.

“Ven!” Floyd exclaimed.

“You never know.” With the Troll on his shoulder, Veneer walked outside…. Not far from where he stood, he saw his sister surrounded by five guys, one of them standing near her, a hungry look on his face.

“Hey!” He shouted.

Scathe glanced up to see Veneer headed their way, “Looks like the prick is going to ruin the fun. See you later baby girl.” He ran a finger along Velvets cheek. She spat in his face in return. The boys laughed before walking away. Veneer finally made it by his sisters side, the knife firmly grasped in his hand. Velvet didn’t turn away until the group of boys were out of sight.

“Vels?” She heard Veneer call her.

“Let’s go home.” Grabbing her brother by the arm, she turned him away and walked back.

“Are you okay?” Floyd asked from Veneers shoulder.

“I’ve handled those jerk faces before. Nothing new.” She replied as she headed up the steps leading to their small studio.

“Wait. Before? They’ve harassed you before?” Veneer shook her grasp away and stared wide eyed at his sister. “How come you’ve never told me this?”

“Because I know how worked up you get! It’s nothing Vennie, come on.” She reached out to pull him inside.

“No! You’re walking around with those idiots after you! How can I not be worried?” An anger crossed his voice. How could she keep something so important from him? How?

“I don’t want you doing anything stupid Ven! I know you.”

“That’s not an excuse!”

“Guys!” Floyd intervened jumping from Veneers shoulder and onto the steps below. He looked up at the giant Rageons. “Stop! This is not a matter to be fighting for. Velvet, you really need to tell us about these things! We worry for you. If something EVER happened to you, we wouldn’t forgive ourselves. You understand!” Velvet only crossed her arms and turned away in response.

“Veneer, she’s right. You have the tendency of taking things in your own hands and doing something reckless. So don’t! We’re going to figure this out together. Got that?”

Veneer also crossed his arms. Both twins turned their heads in defeat away from Floyd…. He was right. Ever since his presence there, he had become the voice of reason between the two…. A father figure. They both let out a sigh of defeat.

“Yes dad.” The mumbled in unison.

Floyd sighed, “Good. Now let’s go eat.”

The next evening, it was Veneers turn to go to the Pit to look for a job for the days rations. Though he tried to understand what Floyd had told him the day before, he couldn’t get the thug and his gang out of his mind. The thoughts of how many times they harassed his sister remained. What if one day they took it far? What if one day the kidnapped her? Killed her? His mind whirled and whirled with thoughts.

“Ven. Ven!” He finally heard Velvet call out to him. He looked at his sister in the eyes. “You sure you’re good to go today? You seem… out of it.”

“I just… I just didn’t sleep well.” Veneer responded.

“Maybe I’ll just go…”

“No!” Veneer interrupted her. “I want to do this one.” He said. She fixed up the collar of his red vest and straightened his purple beanie.

“Be careful. If you’re not back…” She began.

“I know. I know. I’ll be back.” He held out his pinky. “Promises.”

“Promises.” She wrapped her pinky around his. Floyd smiled from the shelf by the door.

“Be careful.” He warned. Veneer smiled at both and was out the door.

The Pit was busier than normal. As jobs became less around then under city, more and more Under Rageons clustered for a chance to pick up an illegal job in desperation for rations. As always, Veneer was one of the youngest ones there. He glanced a the listings and listened in to the offers. Veneer heard of one that would lead him out into the Rageous Woods, he began to wonder if that one would be to dangerous when he heard a familiar conniving laugh. He turned his head to spot the jerk who was hitting up on his sister the other night. Veneers blood began to boil, they laughed as if nothing bothered them, as harassing a girl was just part of their normal routine. Before his mind could comprehend anything, Veneer was walking towards them.

One of boys in the group nudged their the leader, the dreadlocked Rageon, the one who touched his sister. He turned to eye Veneer as he walked closer.

“Well look here. The prick who blocked my advances the other night. He graces us with his presence boys.” Scathe chimed, earning a laughter from his crew. Veneer pouted his face, attempting to look more menacing. Everyone around him laughed…. His blood boiled again.

“Stay away from my sister.” He demanded. The boys around him gazed upon him with amusement.

“Excuse me?” Scathe said.

“Y-you heard me.” Veneer replied attempting to hide his stutter. Scathe flicked the cigarette he was smoking to the ground. He stood, walked slowly to Veneer… he was nearly a foot taller. He looked down at Veneer with his red spiraled eyes, a smirk coming across his face.

SMACK!

He hit Veneer square in the jaw. Scathe kneeled down, his knee on Veneers neck.

“Don’t you dare command me.” He spat. He stood up and kicked Veneer in the ribs. The small Rageon grunted in pain. “Who the hell do you think you are!” He kicked him again. One by one his gang joined in, kicking and hitting Veneer on the ground. He attempted to block the blows, lifting his arms, he shielded his face. Pain soared through his body… there was many people around them, but none came to help.

After what felt like eons, they stopped. Pain pulsated through Veneers body. He spat out blood from where they were able to kick him in the face. Scathe bent down and pulled Veneer by his hair to meet his eyes.

“Your sister is mine now. One day, I’ll sneak on over there. Give her the night of her life. She’ll scream my name… and you, well you’ll be there to watch the show. Watch me show your sister a good time, watch her moan in satisfaction. Mark my words douchebag.” He shoved Veneers face back to the ground. Scathe and his gang laughed as the retreated back into an alley. His words echoing in Veneers mind… He threatened his sister. She wasn’t safe walking around the streets so long he was around. He balled his fists, heat radiating through his body, his mind began to blank as anger and hatred for Scathe filled him to the core. With anger in his eyes, Veneer glanced towards the direction the other Rageons went. To his left….a crowbar.

Standing up he wrapped his fingers around the crowbar and pursued the gang. They didn’t make it far before they stopped to smoke again. Veneers foot prints echoed in the alley.

“Back for more? Want your sister to scream my name already…”

CLING!

Veneer swung the crowbar, hitting Scathe square in the head. The Rageon fell over motionless.

“GO. TO. HELL!” Veneer screamed as he bashed Scathes head. The gang around him jumped him, pulling him away from their leader… but Veneers anger surpassed them all. One by one he smacked them in the head with the crowbar.

“YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH HER!!” He cried as he beat each and everyone. He went back and beat Scathe more and more….again and again….Silence then fell around the alley. Veneer tried to steady his breathing as calmness overcame him. Finally, he looked down at the damage he did.

“Oh….my…. God….” He murmured as the lifeless bodies lay around him. The crowbar fell out of his hand with a clang. His clothes had blood smeared all over them… but it was not his own. His body began to tremble… he couldn’t be here… he need to go….so he ran home.

Velvet was sitting on the floor with Floyd, splitting and portioning the rations when Veneer barged through the door.

“Ven?” She turned around in surprise at his early arrival. “Why are you so- oh my god.” She gasped, covering her mouth seeing the blood on his clothes. She ran to her brother as he collapsed on the couch.

“Ven! What…. What happened? Who hurt you?” She demanded. His was lost in thought, his eyes glued to the floor.

“Veneer!” Floyd’s voice snapped him back to reality. Tears began stinging his eyes.

“Oh my gosh… oh my gosh, oh my gosh!…” He whispered.

“You’re not making any sense. What happened!” Velvet demanded as Veneer buried his face into his hands as he cried.

“They threatened you Velvet. They threatened you. I couldn’t let it happen.” He cried. A realization hit Floyd.

“No… Veneer please tell me you didn’t…”

Velvet looked between the Troll and her brother, confusion still plastered on her face. She knelt down in front of her brother, grabbing his face in both her hands she forced him to look at her.

“WHAT. HAPPENED!” She demanded.

“….. I have blood on my hands Vels…. I got so angry….i didn’t want them to hurt you…..I killed them….I killed them all.”

[httpdabi]

AmongUs

Summary: You decided to play AmongUs with your best friend and troll some randoms in there, what you didn’t really expect was to meet an extremely handsome stranger that has to offer you things your ex boyfriends never did.

Genre: smut, romance, No quirks looool

Word count: 7.5k

Warnings: 18+ (minors fuck off kindly), creampie, multiple orgasms, fingering, forced orgasm, daddy kink, dom!Dabi, orgasm denial, praising!

I had lots of fun writing this! Hope you enjoy it <3

,, Girl, you promised that you’ll come over tonight’’ you whined loudly over the phone, as your best friend Nejire told you that she won’t be able to make it, breaking your plans into tiny little pieces. Damn her childhood friend and his whole family deciding to come exactly today over, ruining your perfect evening with your best friend.

,, Yeah, but we can drink and play, doesn’t matter if we ain’t together, I’m sure he’ll like to play with us ‘’ you could almost feel her smile on the other line, and with only that you couldn’t even think about being mad at her, knowing very well how much she loves that guy. Probably in a way that no friends love each other.

,, Yeah, yeah. But girl, if you dich me tonight and let me troll people on my own, I’ll never forgive you’’ you smiled, knowing very well that she won’t do that. The two of you spend too much time playing stupid games together, drinking till you are comfortable enough to argue with strangers online, and troll the shit out of them.

Since it was weekend, and you were spending time on your own, you decided to start drinking a bit earlier. Turning on a movie, you started sipping on your wine, exchanging some texts with your best friend every now and then.

Your first glass was done way too fast, and you were already sitting in front of your computer with your forth glass beside the keyboard, and a cigarette in your right hand, texting a code to Nejire as you puffed on your cigarette.

The moment you saw one familiar and one not so familiar usernames getting into the private lobby , you smiled widely once Nejire started laughing loudly.

,, HAHAHA BITCH WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT’’ she screamed, as her lover boy giggled quietly beside her, probably too shy to say anything.

,, What is wrong with Kentuckycriedfricken?’’ you asked, as you slowly tapped with your fingers over the table. Well, you weren’t so creative tonight, but you could only blame alcohol on that.

,, Why the fuck are you called TURKEY_SANDWICH’’ you added another question, not giving her a chance to answer to your first one.

,,BECAUSE I’M CARVING ONE’’Nejire screamed, and in that moment you knew very well that she drank as much as you did, if not even more. You giggled to yourself, as you watched the room getting full, some people talking, some texting in the chat and some simply waiting.

You rolled your eyes in annoyance, once you saw all the people commenting START In the small chat box. There was something about it that was pissing you off, making you kick or ban anyone who writes it. This time, you were too busy laughing with your friend, and instead doing any of it, you simply started the game.

CREWMATE

You sighed in relief, taking a sip of your wine, as Nejire ran around you with her friend, singing loudly. Ignoring the two of them, you made your way to the Admin room, to swipe the card, not so surprised once you saw a crew of other players doing the same thing.

,,KENTUCKYCRIEDFRICKEN WHERE ARE YOU’’ you heard Nejire once she entered the room. Once she noticed the cyan color hiding in the crowd she hurried with her Pink character toward you.

,,Wanna watch me scan?’’ she asked, making you giggle as she just gave you the secret code, making sure you know that she’s the Impostor.

,,Nah, Imma pass’’ you said, getting out of the room. You were pretty sure she’ll win the game, since she had you and her friend on her damn side, but you did wish you could know who the other Impostor is. Ignoring her, you made your way toward the Weapons, to clear the damn Asteroids and just look for someone to play around with. These people were way too quiet for your taste.

,,Heyyyy what’s up man?’’ you almost screamed excitedly when you saw a dark blue character, hopefully a crewmate, standing there and clearing Asteroids, or you thought so. You forced your voice a pitch higher, giggling to yourself, knowing how stupid you sound.

,,Oh my god, how old are you?’’ the stranger asked. The moment you spoke, all the giggles were gone. That guys voice was so damn deep, you literally had to lit a cigarette before you decided to speak up again.

,,Old enough’’ you laughed, refusing to tell him your real age just now.

,,Older than 18?’’ he asked, as you were shooting those Asteroids, not that focused.

,, Of course’’ you gasped, rolling your eyes, like he might see you.

,, Thanks God.. Do you play Amongus often ?’’ he asked, not even knowing that his fucking voice was doing things to you.

,, Amongus is my favoire game’’ you said, finishing your task. The way he talked to you, you were almost sure that he was trying to troll you a bit there, probably thinking you are one of those uwu pick me girls.

,,Mhmm.. you’re up pretty late.. what’s your bed time?’’ he asked, and with that question you were more than sure that he was messing around.

,, Daddy beats me if I don’t go to bed at 9’’ you tried to hold your laugh, and you could almost hear the stranger doing the same thing you do.

,, Ohh, I could be your daddy and I would never do that to you ‘’ he said. In that moment, if it wasn’t for his voice, you would probably just laugh loudly and just go away. But damn, the way he said that.

,,HAHHAHA YOU CRAZY FUCK’’ You choked out, once you got out of your little dream, liking how he played along.

,, So that’s your real voice’’ he mumbled, small muffed laugh following the sentence, as you ran away from him. You didn’t hear a voice like that for a long time, and you really hoped that the dude will follow you around for the rest of the game.

Which at your surprise happened.

You were about to ask him some stupid question, but in that very moment someone found a fucking body.

,,Pink killed white and just jumped into the vent in front of me’’ some dude accused Nejire, and that’s when you knew that you have to jump in.

,, I saw Pink scan tho, so that makes you pretty sus dude’’ you lied without thinking twice. Yeah, you knew that it’s more fun if you play by the rules, and don’t team up.. but Nejire is rarely the Impostor and she’s always so damn excited when she wins.

,, Yeah, that’s Pretty sus… ‘’ your new friend said, probably believing you, since you two spent some short time together.

At the end of the short meeting, White was voted out.

You made your way to Reactor to do your task, and Nejire and her friend followed you, probably to look a bit clear to others. You hated the task you had to do, so you took your time, ignoring the loud laughs coming from your friend.

Shortly, the voice of Nejire was changed with the deep one.

,, So, what do you do usually?’’ he asked, as you tried to start the reactor. You had trouble with that task without being tipsy, so alcohol wasn’t really helping in your current situation.

,, I’m streets salesman of burgers’’ you joked, making him laugh a bit. Only to end up telling him that you are actually a student, having a mini job at the café near where you live. You weren’t even sure if his voice was making you speak up or the alcohol, but you almost found yourself telling him the story of your life.

,, Where are you going?’’ he asked you, as you made your way toward Electrical, stopping once the lights got off. You didn’t want to look sus to him, but you didn’t want to go there, since everyone knows that the first person that enters the room will end up dead.

,,Well, I wanted to go to electrical, to do my task, but not so sure about it anymore’’ you said honestly, running around him.

,, Come on, I’ll keep you safe’’ he laughed, and you followed him. The moment you were about to do your task, the game finished, showing how the Impostors won.

You heart almost skipped a beat when you saw In the chat box how your dark blue feiend was the second Impostor. You found it extremely cute that he had way too many chances to kill you and he never did. Instead of killing you, he was simply chatting with you.

CREWMATE

Usually you were the one to hate playing as impostor, always feeling the pressure and thinking that you’ll ruin the game for the other impostor, but tipsy like that, you wished you could be one now, and kill some crewmates around.

,, Doll, teaming ain’t nice’’ deep voice told you as you were downloading the data in the Cafeteria.

,, Awh, come on, she needs a bit of support’’ you said, focused on his voice more than on your task. ,,After all you just used me to clear yourself and look less sus’’ you added and he sighed loudly, acting shocked that you could even think of him like that.

You thought that the little play with the stranger will be just one time ‘’experience’’, but at your surprise he asked you for your instagram at the end. Usually you aren’t the one to share your personal information’s with others, and you also weren’t sure what you’re getting into, yet you found yourself giving him your username before you turned the computer off and drifted into a deep sleep.

Once you woke up, your phone was blown up with notifications, every single one from instagram. One text message and the rest of it were likes.

[Touyaf]:

,,Well, didn’t expect you to be this pretty.. super glad I met you there ’’

You smiled to yourself as you read the little message, with one of your post attached to it. Tapping on his username, your eyes almost widened in shock once you realized that not only his fucking voice was attractive. The dude was a motherfucking snack, and you had a pretty big luck that you found him in that silly lobby.

To Touyaf:

,, Heyy, you ain’t looking bad either lol same, let’s play together again ‘’

You replied, before you returned to his profile to like some photos he posted. Being honest, you didn’t know what to expect, but what you didn’t expect was a black haired guy, with piercings and tattoos covering his body. He definitely didn’t look like someone who spends his time on computer playing fucking Among us.

Hopping out of your bed, you made your way to get ready for the day. There were many things you planned to do, so you didn’t really want to waste your time. The faster you’re done, the more time you’ll have at the end.

After you packed all the post you had to send for your work, you headed to the bus station, hoping you’ll be able to catch the next bus. At your surprise Dabi was replying to your messages way too fast, making it one of the conversations where your eyes simply have to stay glued to your phone.

You found it almost funny how you ended up checking up your phone more often than usual, for someone you didn’t even meet yet. Sure, his profile looks legit, but the possibility that some attention thirsty freak is hiding behind that profile will be there till you meet him personally.

Once you finished everything up, you made your way toward the little Game shop, the one you were a well known costumer in. The now not so new Crash Bandicoot game that got out months ago was finally on the sale. You wanted to buy it the same day it got out, but $75 was too much, and it’s not like you’re shitting money.

The moment you bought the game, you wished you could fucking teleport yourself home, but sadly, you still had stuff to do and the game had to wait.

..

Your steps felt heavy, as you pushed yourself in the crowd, trying to keep your balance. Someone’s shoulder almost knocked you out, making your blood boil in just a damn second. Turning your head to the side, more than ready to fight, a smile crept on your face once you realized who you’re facing.

,, OH MY fucking god ‘’ you gasped, pointing every word out.

,, Woww, you’re alive’’ your cousin laughed, once she realized that you were ready to throw some hands. You really wanted to go home, but since ALL OF SUDDEN, both you and your cousin had some time, she forced you to go grab a coffee with her.

The two of you wanted to meet for a long time, but yet none of you could manage to get some free time and meet.

,, Yeah, Kai went to that Music program. The whole town was voting for him, didn’t you know that?’’ she said, talking about your childhood friend that always wanted to become famous.

,, Wow, strong community ‘’ you joked, acting surprised. Even tho he was your friend, you had to be honest. He couldn’t sing for shit.

The two of you ended up spending much more time than you planned to, and you ended up not minding it at all. You actually enjoyed talking about random shit form the last with her.

,, Wow, I didn’t think Bonnie is still alive. That dog could sense us from far away, so weird’’ your cousin said, sipping on her now cold coffee. ,, You think she would still smell or sense me if I would be on my way to your parents house ?’’ she added, eyes almost twinkling excitedly.

,, She can definitely smell your stinky ass’’ you joked, playing with the metal straw in your drink.

,, Oh eat shit, I’m sweating so much that I’m showering two times a day’’ she protested, slapping your arm playfully.

,,And even that ain’t helping’’ you laughed loudly once you saw her disgusted face.

The two of you finally parted ways, once you told her that you have some other important plans, deciding its better not to tell her that you’re dying to go home and play the game you bought.

You almost teared up once you were finally in your pajamas, laying comfortably on your couch and playing the game. You almost teared up, when you chose the retro function of the game, where you can get and loose life, thinking you’re the old school gamer. Oh, how fast you changed it once you realized how hard the game is.

After playing the game for two hours, you realized that you definitely won’t be able to finish it in one night. You were glad that the production was aiming for the old public, but you didn’t expect it to be that hard.

[Touyaf]:

,,The game is dope as fuckkkk, but too easy imo’’

You smiled when you saw that he replied to the picture you posted on the story.

To Touyaf:

,, Are you insane ? I’m on the same level thirty fucking minutes now :( ‘’

You replied, as you continued with the game, only to pause it after one minute of gameplay just to check your phone when you saw the instagram notification.

[Touyaf]:

,, Want me to help you?’’

To Toyuaf:

,, How ?’’

[Touyaf]:

,, Send me your address ‘’

Your eyes widened when you saw what he wrote, too scared to open the message he sent you. Of course you wanted to meet him, but so fast ? And at this time ?

Was that really smart ?

Well, it doesn’t matter if it’s smart or not, you ended up sending him your address, last name and running around in the middle of the night and cleaning your apartment anyway. You found yourself smiling the whole time while hysterically cleaning around. You didn’t know if he is living near or far, yet there was so much to do. It was very visible that you weren’t expecting any guests.

Luckily for you, it took him some time to arrive, giving you a chance to clear everything nicely and throw your clothes that were laying around into the closet.

The moment you heard the doorbell you got nervous like a little teenage girl that was about to go on her first date and the moment you opened the door, you were more than sure that you made the right decision when you sent him your address.

Was is possible that someone could be that handsome ? At one point you thought that he was just photogenic when you scrolled his Insta feed, you thought maybe he knew his angles. But damn, the dude standing in front of you was someone you would spread your legs for without thinking twice.

,,Hey, nice to finally meet you’’ he said, giving you a small hug which you definitely didn’t expect. ,, You look even prettier than on photos’’ he added, smiling at you.

,, You think? Thank you. You too’’ you said awkwardly. Usually you are much more confident, and you don’t have problem with communication, but the fact that this handsome dude you barely know, is in your apartment, made your legs shake.

,, I mean, you are really handsome’’ you added fast, trying to break that creepiness in your voice, giving yourself a mental facepalm once you realized that he was holding back his laugh. You almost looked like fucking Bella from Twilight. Was that necessary ?

,, What do you want to drink? Tea ? Coffee? Orange juice ? Wine ?’’ you asked, preparing the glass. He probably noticed how nervous you are and that made you even more nervous. Everything that could go wrong, is going wrong right now.

,, Well, I’m really up for some wine’’ Touya said as he sat comfortably on your couch.

THANKS GOD. You weren’t sure if you would be able to survive being in the same room with him while drinking a fucking chamomile tea.

,, You can’t beat this level? This one ?You can’t be for real’’ he laughed, as you placed two glasses and one bottle of wine on the table.

,, Are you dissing my gaming skills ?’’ you laughed, pouring the wine in the glass while he was playing the game like it was nothing.

,, Ah please, how many times did you paly it ?’’ you whined loudly, as he played almost perfectly.

,, Oh thanks God, you are a smoker, I was already stressing myself out if I’ll have to go out for every cigarette’’ Touya said once he saw you lit a cigarette.

After your second glass of wine, all the nervousness was gone. The two of you were having pretty much a fun time playing the game and drinking together.

,, What are you doing ???’’ he asked, almost screaming once you died in the game, without getting to the checkpoint.

,, MY BEST, I’M DOING MY BEST’’ You screamed back, throwing the controller to his direction, one again feeling defeated.

After that night, Touya started visiting you more often, and every night he would visit you, the two of you would drown a bottle of wine. You didn’t expect him to be such a cool person actually. In your opinion he did look like someone who’s full of himself.

Also, when you told Nejire that you met the dude from Among us, she immediately started lecturing you about how he could have killed you, totally ignoring the fact that you were standing in front of her alive and more healthy than you ever were.

,, Anyway, they have one appointment free today ‘’ Nejire said, as the two of you walked down the street, going to your usual café.

,, What are you talking about ?’’ you asked confused.

,, About escape room you stupid bitch’’ she said, hitting your arm lightly like she was talking about it clearly before.

,, Nejire, if the two of us go, one hour won’t be enough for us to get out of it’’ you pointed, knowing very well that neither of you is capable of figuring anything out on your own, especially not some scary ass escape room.

,, Ye, but I can ask Mirio to come, and you can ask the Dabi dude’’ she said, rising her eyebrows at you. Well that wasn’t a really bad idea actually.

Both Mirio and Dabi agreed, and while sipping on your coffee the two of you reserved the room. It was pretty much unplanned, and you had around 2 hours until your appointment, but you were really glad it worked out.

,, Girl, you should see my little sister today, girlie is only 3 years old, and she already flirts better than you and me together’’ Nejire giggled, as you gave her one questioning look.

,, She met some boy at playground today. You should see the looks they were giving each other. They even started talking in their baby language, discussing something’’ she said, making you laugh as you imagined her baby sister hitting on some other kid. You were never a person that could deal with kids, but her sister was really special.

Once the Mirio arrived, Nejire got all quiet, which almost made you laugh out loud, since she’s nothing like that usually. She did tell you before, that the two of them hooked up after one of the birthday parties you attended, but you almost forget about that.

,, What can I get you?’’ the waiter asked Mirio, as you and Nejire talked excitedly about escaperoom.

,, One Matte Lacchiato’’ Mirio said, trying to follow what you were talking about, while the waiter was looking at him confused, not sure if he’s joking or not.

,, You mean Latte macchiato ??’’ Nejire asked, trying to hold her laugh. The moment the waiter left, none of you had to hold it back anymore.

,, Dude, Matte Lacchiato ? Really?’’ you laughed loudly.

,, Fuck off, I’m not a coffee person’’ Mirio snapped, his face all red from embarrassment.

,, One Paccuccino please’’ you joked, making Mirio roll his eyes.

,, One Sepresso please’’ Nejire laughed loudly , while Mirio was mumbling something under his breath, hating the both of you in the moment.

,,By the way, I don’t like this thing, tastes like nothing’’ he said, as giving it to Nejire to try it out.

,, Out of 1 to 10, how many points would you give to this Matte Lacchiato?’’ Nejire asked, giggling, giving him a sign that she’ll never forget the silly mistake he said.

,,2 points. One for having balls to sell it, and another one because I’m such a good hearted person’’ he said, pushing the drink to the side.

The moment you saw Touya enter the café, you started waving around with your hands, helping him find you.

,, What took you so long ?’’ you asked, as he took a seat next to you. He looked good as usual, wearing oversized purple shirt, and black pants with nike airforce.

,, I was in the middle of a jog when you texted me’’ he said putting his both hands in the air, feeling attakced.

,, Oh that sounds fun’’ you joked, as you rolled your cigarette.

,, Yeah? I’ll call you next time to come with’’ he said, also rolling a cigarette, while giving you a side look.

,, Not that fun’’ you laughed.

,, dude, the last time we jogged together, she had to call a taxi to bring her back home’’ Mirio said, making Touya laugh.

,, Trueeee, I had to pour water all over her face when we were jogging together’’ Nejire added, remembering the accident that happened back in the days.

,,Oh shut up, I had to put your fucking legs up hoping you wont collapse’’ you laughed. Sure, both Mirio and Touya were in better shape than you, but Nejire ? Girl was on the same level.

,, And stop it, stop dissing me! I’m a victim of a hate crime right now” you whined loudly, as all of them laughed.

When the time came, all of you made your way to the escaperoom. After you checked in and paid, you and Touya went out to smoke one more cigarette since you had some time before the game starts.

,, So, what will you do after this ?’’ Touya asked, placing his arm around you as you puffed on your cigarette.

,, I don’t have any plans yet, why ? Wanna come over ?’’ you asked, mentally holding your shit together once he said that he’ll gladly come.

He was too close, wayyyy too close. You could even smell his fucking perfume.

Once the game started all of you were more than lost, having hard time finding the clues. You were in some basement looking room with tons of books. Touya and you found the first clue, some numbers written on the small closet as a code for opening the box that Mirio found.

Mirio found the second code, that led you to the box with the key that was opening the door.

,, Oh my god guys, there are number on the closet’’ Nejire screamed loudly, making all of you laugh.

,, Sweetie we passed that part long time ago.’’ Mirio said pinching her cheek. You were pretty sure that she was a bit lost, because Mirio was giving her way too much attention.

The next room was even darker than the first one, full of some weird family photos, crosses and blood. All of you were trying to work together, you agreed to use the Woky toky only when needed, yet the person who held it didn’t really give a shit about your agreement.

,, We need help’’ Mirio said, while the rest of you whined loudly since it was probably the third time he’s using it by now.

,, Dude, do you like the worker here ?’’ you asked him, as you took the photo of the wall.

,, No, why?’’ he asked you back, almost confused.

,, Because you are constantly talking to him. I swear you didn’t even talk to your ex that much ‘’ you said, making Touya laugh a bit.

The game continued with all of you in a rush to figure things out. One clue led to another one, and you opened some small room, where someone had to go inside to pull some weird looking rope.

Luckily for all of you, Mirio volunteered. The moment he pulled the rope down, some weird as cockroaches fall down on him, making him get out of the small room faster then he got in there.

,, Fucking shit, I didn’t sign for this’’ he whined, sighing in relief once he realized that those cockroaches are plastic one.

,, I swear, if that shit fell onto me, I would smash the red button without thinking twice’’ Nejire said in disgust.

,, This game is hard as fuck’’ you sighed, as you held some weird box with some knifes in your hand.

,, Wanna know what else is hard ?’’ Touya said quietly, making your eyes widen in shock.

,, Excuse me?’’ you couldn’t believe what he was asking you, here in front of your friends.

,, This cross. Oh my god, didn’t expect you to be that dirty minded doll’’ Touya laughed loudly, making you blush. In your Defense, he sounded like he was talking about his dick. He definitely didSl.

At the end, the 4 of you made it out of the room few minutes before the game ended. The moment you opened the door, you found the worker that explained the game and led you to the room standing in front of the very same door. Probably ready to get you all out.

,, This was so embarrassing ‘’ Nejire laughed as all of you got out of the building.

,, Yeah, imagine if we didn’t figure it out, what would he tell us ? Sorry but yall have to die now’’ Mirio said.

,, Well, maybe if you used the time we had for figuring everything out, instead of talking with the dude over the Wokytoky, MAYBE we would do better’’ you laughed, as Mirio told you to fuck off.

After Mirio and Nejire left, you and Touya made your way to your apartment, still talking and laughing about the whole game.

The two of you played among us, teaming up against some randoms on a whole new level. He was sitting way too close to you, like there was no place on the couch at all. Of course, you didn’t mind that, but you would lie if you said that you could focus on the game fully.

,, You are so cute’’ Touya pointed when you killed someone in front of him, not even hiding the fact that you are teaming.

He was complimenting you and being touchy with you more then usual.

,, So, are you really into daddy kink?’’ you asked, as you remembered the first time you played together.

,,Maybe ‘’ Touya smirked, focused on the game.

,, Naughty naughtyyy’’ you laughed, killing some other crewmate.

Once you had enough of the game, the two of you ended up just chit chatting about some stupid things, still in the same position as you were in before. The only difference was that Touya was slowly caressing your skin.

,, You wanna sleep over ?’’ you asked, once you realized that it was getting really late.

,, Well, definitely not if I have to crash on this couch’’ he said, making you giggle quietly.

,, Ah, you know I wouldn’t let you sleep here.’’ You mumbled quietly, avoiding eye contact with him.

,, Awhh, is my little doll implying that I can share her bed with her ?’’ Dabi teased. His arm was wrapped around you, rubbing small circles on your right hip gently.

,, Maybe ?’’ you said, trying to focus on anything else than his hand playing around.

,, Anyway, doll, I want to ask you something’’ he muttered, stopping his movements suddenly. You changing your position to have a better look of him, was your answer to go on.

,, Do play a lot with other people online?’’ he asked. You blinked slowly, not sure if that’s really a question he wanted to spit out. It seemed like it would be something more important.

,, Uh, I’m usually playing with Nejire. Why ?’’ you replied, confusion written all over your face. At your surprise, Dabi wrapped his arms around you, forcing you onto his lap like you were a small and weightless playtoy.

,, You know, I don’t like sharing what’s mine. ‘’ he expressed, placing his both hands on your tights, moving them up and down slowly.

,, Yours ?’’ you weren’t sure what was going on, and you definitely didn’t expect that silly question to go this way.

,, Doll, you’ve been mine the moment you sent me your address. What I meant was, you’ve met me so easily, I sure hope you ain’t like that with everyone on the internet.’’ His voice was somehow even more deeper than usual, and maybe it’s weird, but the position you were in was lowkey turning you on.

Maybe the fact that his behavior changed so fast, maybe the fact that he wanted you all for himself .

,, Honesty, I never share my personal information online, since you never know who’s hiding on the other side, but there was something about you. I just wanted to stay in contact with you’’ you responded, playing with your fingers like a lost child.

Instead of replying, he placed his hands on your cheek, pulling you slowly into a kiss, which you accepted gladly. It was the first time you felt such huge attraction for someone, and you were more than happy to give him anything he wants.

Maybe it’s weird to feel such a thing for someone you didn’t know that well, but everyone starts somewhere, right ?

His hands were going up and down your waist, lips never leaving your own. The moment you put your arms up, helping him remove the shirt you were wearing, you felt him smirk into the kiss. Once your shirt was off, he leaned back into the couch, having a better view of you, half naked sitting in his lap.

His right hand was playing with the strap of your bra, and the other one was holding you on his lap firmly. To him, you were the most beautiful little thing that he placed his eyes on, and he was more than grateful that you didn’t freak out because of his small confession.

You couldn’t wait anymore. Bending over, you connected your lips with his own again. His hands moved to your ass, giving it one good squeeze, before he got a firmer grip of you, pushing you up with himself and making his way to your bedroom.

Once he placed you on your bed, he took his shirt of, throwing it somewhere on the floor, as he climbed on top of you. All you could do was close your eyes and moan quietly once you felt his lips on your neck, sucking and biting it gently.

His lips were moving down, from your neck to your chest. From your chest to your stomach, leaving wet love bites on his way down.

Once he got so low, that he was almost between your legs, he unbuttoned your pants slowly, pulling your panties just a little bit down to leave kisses down there.

After few kisses, he gave you a sign to push your hips up a bit, and you did so. The moment you did it, Touya pulled your pants, together with your underwear down, leaving you in nothing else than your bra.

,, Take of your bra’’ he commanded, as he got lost between your legs. You wanted to do it, you really did, but once you felt his tongue on your pussy, you weren’t capable to even think straight, yet to remove your bra.

He was sucking and biting your clit, like no one ever before, making you throw your head back into your pillow as you enjoyed what he was giving you. You cradled your hands into his hair, as you felt thousand things at the same time. You’ve never desired someone so much, and the fact that the person you desired like no one else in your whole life was between your legs eating you out, was driving you crazy on a whole new level.

Dabi felt the same, it was the very first time he felt pleasure while he ate someone out, he was craving you like a mad man.

His tongue was doing wonders to you, and the moment you felt his finger slowly enter you, you squeezed your eyes shut, trying to get control over yourself.

,, Gotta loosen up my doll a little bit’’ he mumbled, savoring your pussy. The way he ate you out was getting sloppier and sloppier. Once he added another finger, your grip on is hair got stronger, giving him a sign that it hurts a bit.

,, Baby, how will you take my dick if you ain’t capable of taking ony two fingers ?’’ he looked up, smirking at you. Once you gave him a weak nod, he started moving his fingers in and out of you, slowly, giving you time to adjust.

Once he heard you moan, he started moving his fingers a little faster, as he started to rub your clit with his other hand.

,,Oh god’’ you moaned loudly, as pleasure took all over your body. Your orgasm hit you pretty unexpectedly, making you hide your face with your hands in embarrassment. You never came so quickly.

He definitely knows what’s he doing. None of your ex boyfriends made you cum so fast. All they did was simply missionary sex, with no talk at all. Few humps and done.

,, Open your mouth’’ Touya commanded, not giving you a chance to understand what was going on and why he wanted you to open your mouth for him. You felt two wet and sticky fingers rub your lips. You couldn’t even open your mouth fully, as he already shoved his two fingers in it.

,, Suck’’ grabbing your hands with his own and pushing them down, he had to see you, even tho he knew very well how embarrassed you felt in that moment.

Of course you did as he told you, as he held your chin, forcing you to look right at him as you cleaned his fingers that just pleasured you.

,, Such a good girl’’ Touya said, caressing your cheek gently, before he pulled his fingers out of your mouth, trying to free his throbbing dick out of the pants.

,, Didn’t I tell you to take your bra off ?’’ he asked, smirk forming on his lips. ,, Oh, so you don’t like to follow daddys orders ?’’ he added, climbing on top of you.

,, I ..’’ you didn’t even know what you wanted to say, you honestly forgot that you even had your bra on. Instead of saying anything, Touya only laughed, flipping you on your stomach, as he unclipped your bra in one movement.

,, I really wanted to be gentle with you, but if you are not capable in following small orders what will happen later with the big ones?’’ he asked, kissing the back of your neck slowly. You weren’t sure what to say, for you, that wasn’t a big deal, and honestly you didn’t know much about daddy kink.

,, Sorry daddy’’ you said, closing your eyes. It felt weird to call him daddy, but now that you knew that he likes it, you did it anyway.

,, Sorry doesn’t help doll. Daddy has to fuck you into obedience’’ he said, pulling the lower part of your body up. He took a good look of you, before he started rubbing the tip of his dick around your core. The view of you, with your ass up made his dick twitch, and he couldn’t wait anymore.

He shoved his dick into you with one move, forcing your body to move away from him out of the reflex. But Touya wasn’t buying that, grabbing a fistful of your hair and yanking you back.

,, You good?’’ He asked. You could hear concern in his voice, and you found it really cute how he suddenly changed.

,, Yes, that was hot ‘’ you said embarrassed, glad he was not facing you.

,, Good, because I ain’t stopping’’ with that, he started rocking his hips into you, as he pulled your head back, hand still holding your hair keeping you in the place he wanted you to be in.

So much about the concern.

,, So fucking tight’’ he groaned, as he fucked fast and hard into you, making your bed crack with every move. You found yourself moaning louder then before, it felt like he was forcing every moan out of you with every snap of his hips against your own.

The moment you felt his fingers on your clit, your walls squeezed around him. Once again embarrassed that you are so close, so fast.

,, Oh nah, you ain’t gonna cum yet’’ he whispered in your ear, leaving your clit and grabbing your hips with his both hands.

,, Ehhh pleaseeee, please daddy’’ you moaned, pushing the embarrassment away.

,, Baby, If you cum now, I’ll make sure you cum at least two more times before I finish you want it or not’’ he said, stopping his movements. Usually, when you had sex you were lucky if you could orgasm even once, since the guys only thought about themselves. You weren’t really sure if you could do it for him. You weren’t sure if you were capable to do it at all.

,, I’ll take that as yes’’ Touya laughed, moving his hips suddenly, his hand back on your clit and rubbing it so fast that he literally forced the orgasm he stopped few moments ago.

You moaned loudly, losing the power in your body. If Touya wasn’t holding you, you would definitely just fall down. He moved his hips slowly, making sure your orgasm lasts long enough for you to see the stars.

Once he was sure you are done, he flipped you over onto your back, spreading your legs with his hands, as he gave you one passionate kiss. You were too focused on the kiss, not realizing that he entered you again, only to realized it once he started moving again.

He was fucking you like there was no tomorrow, not breaking the kiss at all. You could feel his dick hitting your cervix with every move. You found yourself wrapping your arms around him, trying to find some comfort while he fucked the light out of you.

,, Come on baby, cum for your daddy’’ he groaned, enjoying how tightly your walls were squeezing him in that moment.

,, I can’t, oh my god, I really can’t ‘’ you whined, digging your nails into his skin, as he once again started playing with your clit. You felt both pain and pleasure while played with it, forcing the third orgasm out of you.

,, Of course you can, look at you, such a good girl’’ This time he didn’t slow down, letting you enjoy it, instead he was fucking you even harder and faster then before, making the orgasm that hit you almost painful, but yet still good and pleasurable.

With every move he did, you dag your nails deeper into the flesh of his back, moaning loudly not giving a single fuck if your neighbors could hear you or not.

,, One more baby’’ Touya groaned, hitting your g spot all over again. ,, Only one more baby, you can do it ‘’ he added as he rocked his hips against yours. You were so fucking sensitive, that you literally felt every vein of his dick rubbing against your walls. Maybe you were imagining, but it felt like you could literally feel the shape of his whole dick inside you, every inch of it.

He was fucking you in a reckless pace, once again rubbing your clit, while telling you how you’re such a good girl for him and how you’re gonna milk his cock so nicely. Once Touya felt that he was close, once he realized that he won’t last much longer, he started rubbing your clit with more pressure, forcing himself even more into you then before.

,, Come on baby, cum all over my cock’’ he groaned, as you moaned loudly. The moment he forced your last orgasm out of you, he groaned loudly as he was chasing his own high, painting your walls white with his seed.

The moment he came, he slowed down, still not stopping his movements completely. Fucking his seed deep into you. Because of the fact that you came fucking four times, and that he shoot loads and loads of his own seed into you, you were almost sure that you were already leaking on your bed.

,, Are you okay?’’ Touya asked, placing soft kissed on your neck, while his dick was still inside of you. ,, Did I go too far ?’’ he added, once he realized that you aren’t answering.

,, Oh god no, this was amazing’’ you whispered, tilting your head to the side. Touya kissed you, not being able to hold his smile at all. After the kiss, he wore his boxers and made his way to your bedroom, only to come back moments later with a warm towel.

After he cleaned you up, he helped you wear your panties, giving you his shirt instead of your own, before the two of you fall asleep in each others arms.

In that moment, you felt grateful for existence of that silly game where you met this handsome stranger. Who would have thought that Amongus can be a better match maker than Tinder.

You sure didn’t.

[rosemaidenvixen]

In the Fullness of Time

Chapter 3: Today

Ao3

Merlin laid perfectly still, not even risking cracking an eye open.

Despite appearances, his foe was no fool, and it would not do to treat him as such.

But even so, he’d been feigning sleep for quite some time, a new strategy may be in order. Slowly, he shifted and blinked, making a show of just coming to wakefulness. Turning his head to the side, Merlin caught his captor’s eye “My good fellow, could I trouble you for some water?”

The troll hadn’t moved from the time Merlin had last seen him, and at hearing the wizard’s request a small smile formed on his face.

“No,”

“Surely you wouldn’t allow an old man to die of thirst?”

“Bah-boo-rah say to watch, so AAARRRGGHH watch,”

It took a great deal of effort to keep the frustration from showing on his face. Normally he wouldn’t bother trying to negotiate, but in this case not only were his still healing wounds waylaying him more than he cared to admit, the brute had been given explicit instructions to sit on him if Merlin tried to move from his prone position on the couch.

“Come now I’m hardly going to get up and run in the few seconds you look away,”

“No,”

“Still--”

Without warning a glass tumbler full of water was placed on the table just inches away from Merlin’s nose.

“Here you are my good Wizard,” the smaller, talkative troll stepped around the couch to stand beside his companion “One cup of water as requested,”

Merlin stared evenly first at the water, then the pair “....I suppose I should thank you,”

Blinkous grinned at him “Think nothing of it, I’m more than happy to fetch you anything you might need while you are on your mandated rest,”

The troll didn’t even bother trying not to sound smug as he said it.

Merlin was done bargaining “Be that as it may, I have been alive for thousands of years and am more than capable of judging--”

“Oh Barbara! I do believe our patient is due for another check up,”

Immediately light footsteps started pattering down the stairs “What’s this now?”

“Your patient,” the troll glanced at Merlin with two of his eyes “Believes he is well enough to get up and start walking around,”

The flame haired physician stepped around the couch into Merlin’s view, frown firmly etched into her face “You most certainly are not, getting a hole punched into your abdomen means a mandated two weeks of taking it easy,”

“But surely--”

“That means no buts except for yours on the couch resting,”

Merlin sighed and settled back onto the couch. Hopefully Hisirdoux and his companions would be back soon. His apprentice may be a bit green around the edges, but it would be nice to be in the company of another Wizard. One who understood that--

The front door creaked as it swung open.

“We’re back, and we have a huge problem,” 

Curious, Merlin turned his head towards the sound. It was the Trollhunter’s voice, but something was off.

“Actually I’d say this is more of a little--”

“Domzalski if you finish that sentence you won’t live to see morning,”

“Geez Steve lighten up,”

It wasn’t just the Trollhunter, all of their voices sounded higher and sharper.

He turned to rise off the couch, only to grunt as he ran into a massive stone arm hovering above him, the troll it was attached to not even looking at him.

Merlin glowered and reluctantly sank back down.

Barbara turned to look at the newcomers, eyes going wide behind her spectacles “Oh my-- what happened?”

“That’s what we’d like to find out,”

The group walked around to the other side of the couch, allowing Merlin to see them for the first time, raising an eyebrow as he did.

“You all went out to subdue a Warlock, so how is it you managed to get yourselves turned into children?”

Hisirdoux gave him a sheepish grin “We had the Warlock cornered, but then they released all of their stolen magic at once, next thing we know, this,” he gestured at all of them “Any ideas?”

“Not really no,”

“Question,” the Akiridion boy spoke up “Are you always aggressively unhelpful or just with us?”

Merlin narrowed his eyes, no respect for master Wizards these days “Based on the extremely limited information you’ve given me, the cause of your condition could literally be anything, now if you give me a few more details I might be able to narrow it down,”

“The Warlock tried blasting us with fire, but we were able to corner him, then he started chanting, I don’t remember what, and then he burst into a ball of white light. Douxie put a shield around him and I tried to funnel some of it away through a portal, but it was too much. He exploded and then…” the shadow witch trailed off.

Finally some relevant information.

“Based on what you’ve told me it sounds like that Warlock was supplementing themselves with Phoenix feathers, some rest and some Aves tonic should clear that right up,”

All the de-aged hunters wilted in relief at the knowledge that their condition was not permanent “Ok, so where do we get some of that?” the Trollhunter’s red-headed friend spoke up.

“Oh I don’t have any,” Merlin leveled his gaze at the massive troll “How could I have been brewing tonics when I’ve been stuck here on the couch for days,”

AAARRRGGHH narrowed his eyes at him.

Hisirdoux pulled out his phone “I’ll give Archie a call, he should be able to get us the ingredients so I can brew it myself,”

The physician stepped towards them, giddy smile on her face and her own phone clasped in both hands “Ok I have to get pictures of you guys while you’re like this,”

They all groaned and made noises of half hearted protest. Except for Hisirdoux. Hisirdoux yanked his sleeves down to cover his wrists, face turning chalky “I-- uh….”

His response did not go unnoticed. The physician glanced down, mouth falling open when she spotted the scars, and immediately slipped her phone back into her pocket, concerned expression mirrored by the two trolls.

“Unless you don’t want to, I won’t take your pictures if you don’t want me to,”

“It’s ummm…” Hisirdoux glanced around, the other fighters turned children sharing his look of unease “I…..”

In an instant Merlin knew what was going on. Hisirdoux had no issue with being photographed in this state, rather he didn’t want his scars captured in an image for all time. And Hisirdoux had already shared this, along with the origins of his scars, with his fellow hunters. And while he didn’t mind the doctor and trolls knowing, he found the idea of retelling the story so soon daunting.

Taking advantage of the diversion, Merlin swung his legs off the couch and pushed himself upright, grimacing as the movement tugged on his half healed wounds, and cleared his throat to gain their attention.

Everyone turned towards him, the large troll glaring when he saw that Merlin had shifted from his prone position to sitting upright.

“I can answer that question,” he glanced towards Hisirdoux “Do you wish for me to give the short explanation or the complete one?”

Hisirdoux looked like he could have melted with relief “Yeah you can...you can just go ahead and tell them the whole story,”

He started shuffling towards the basement, efforts to be discreet hampered by his reduced size “I’ll just be in the basement...getting started on that tonic,”

The young Trollhunter shared a look with his two friends, who exchanged swift nods with him “We’ll go help,”

“We will?”

The blonde boy kicked the Akiridion in the ankle.

“Flishgag what was that for!?”

“Yes we will, we’re all going to brew potions in the basement and leave the grown ups alone,”

Black eyes widening in understanding, he turned and followed the other Hunters turned children down into the basement “Fine, but kick me again and I’m sending you to the moon,”

The last of them filled downstairs, shutting the door behind them. Leaving the human, Wizard, and two trolls alone. 

All eyes in the room were on Merlin now.

“As you undoubtedly saw, Hisirdoux has scars on his wrists that he prefers to keep discreet. As for the injuries that lead to them….” Merlin had to make an effort to keep the rancor out of his voice. This story was not a pleasant one, and even a near millenia later the memories left a bitter taste in his mouth “Those happened well over nine hundred years ago….”

[oldfashionedmoth]

Fred and George do QVC

Find me on AO3

It was a bright, sunny, Saturday afternoon, and Harry Potter was stuck inside folding laundry. He stared longingly at the window, wishing he was anywhere but here. Lately, he had been feeling listless and filled with ennui. His life at the Dursley’s was considerably less exciting than his life at school. Albeit, he didn’t have a crazed, nose-less, master wizard, trying to murder him here; but even that might have been an improvement, to the boredom he had felt all summer. He glanced across the room at his Aunt Petunia, who lounged on the sofa, half asleep. He wondered if she’d notice if he escaped outside, for a breath of fresh air. Uncle Vernon had just left, with Dudley and his friends, to see a professional football match. This was one of the numerous birthday surprises his aunt and uncle had lavished their son with. Harry would have liked to had gone too, but he was told “the laundry wasn’t going to fold itself.”

“If I were allowed to use magic outside of school, the laundry certainly *would* fold itself.” Harry thought bitterly.

The TV chattered away in the background.

“…and just so we’re clear, these are dishwasher safe?”  

“Yes, that’s right, Antonella. The Scrub Daddy is absolutely dishwasher safe.”

“And remember, you’re getting 12 of these! Order code 63528, when you call in.”

“Yes, and just quickly…because I know we are running out of time… I wanted to show you that the design for these is not just a smiley face. These are fully functional. Put your two fingers in the eye holes like so, and it stays on your fingers. That’s going to be fantastic for getting inside of mugs, cups, you name it.”

“Wow! that’s ingenious!”

The presenter turned and addressed the camera directly, holding the item for sale.

“Look! Here is what you’re getting, guys. And this packaging! Ah!  This custom packaging is exclusive to QVC, guys. And, all this could be yours, for 4 easy payments of $7.49. Amazing!”

The camera zoomed in, on the presenter’s face.

“Coming up, we have a couple of young entrepreneurs, showing us their latest confections. I’m sure we all know someone with a sweet tooth. Just wait till you see what these boys have in store for us today. But first, make sure you get your orders in for the Scrub Daddy. These things are selling like hot cakes!”

The shot cut to a pre-recorded infomercial, for Scrub Daddy sponges.  

“Hmmph!” Aunt Petunia snorted “I should order some of those for you, so you’ll stop ruining my pots!”  

Harry muttered under his breath “Well, if you fixed the dishwasher, instead of using me as your personal slave, I wouldn’t have to scrub the pots.”

“What was that?!” snapped Aunt Petunia, “You ungrateful little brat! After all your uncle and I have done for you; taking you in, like we did, after your parents…well…You should be ecstatic that I even offered to buy you anything!”

In a huff, she snatched the remote control off the coffee table and turned up the volume.

Harry put the folded laundry in the basket and stood to bring them upstairs.

“Up next, we have twins Fred and George Weasley, of Weasley Wizard Wheezes, here with us today. Welcome boys!”

Harry froze, gobsmacked. Much to his disbelief, there was his best friend’s older brothers, peddling their wares on QVC. One was wearing an evening tailcoat, which was neon orange with lime green polka dots. His trousers were also neon orange, but with a lime green tuxedo stripe running down each leg. The other twin was wearing the same tailcoat and tuxedo trousers, but in inverse colors to his brother. In contrast to the loudness of their jackets, both boys were wearing black cravats around their necks, giving them a ‘Victorian Regency on acid’ kind of look.

“Thanks for having us, Antonella. We’re happy to be here!” said one of the twins

“Remind us to buy a pack of those Scrub Daddies, before we leave.” said the other, “Our Dad would get such a kick out of them. Sponges with smiley faces. What a concept! Haha!”

His brother leaned into him, and theatrically whispered “We don’t need them ourselves. We can just use Malfoy’s head.” He held up two fingers in a sideways peace sign, and pretended to poke his brother in both eyes. “His hair is great at soaking up grease.”

The twins snickered together, as the presenter, unperturbed, carried on with the sales pitch.

“Fred and George have brought with them some of their Skiving Snackbox candies. Now, judging by the names of some of these, I think these would be perfect as a novelty get-well present, for someone in your life who’s been feeling a little under the weather. There’s something for every ailment. We’ve got ‘fever fudge’, ‘fainting fancies’, ‘nosebleed nougat’ and last but not least, ‘puking pastilles.’ Hehe! Now, what made you boys come up with this concept, for these sweets?”

“Well,” said Fred, “they’re not exactly for someone who’s already sick."

"That could result in some disastrous side effects.” quipped George

Fred turned to the camera and added “Always read the labels, kids!”

George continued, “They make you temporarily ill, if for example, you wanted the day off work. You pop in a fainting fancy. Bob’s your uncle-Fanny’s your Aunt, suddenly your GP has prescribed you a day of bed rest.”

“Oh, but totally 100% all muggle, I mean natural. 100% all natural.” Fred interjected

“Yes, definitely nothing magical about these candies at all.” George agreed, with a sheepish grin.

“Oh, I get it!” exclaimed the host, “That’s just like the Natural Herbal Detox Tea, we had on the show last month. This may be TMI, but I swear I was on the toilet for a week, after that segment! Hehehe!”  

Fred laughed and said, “Now would be a good time for me to tell one of my poop jokes.”

George replied “Nah, they always stink!”

“Hey-oh!” they cried, while high-fiving each other.

“You know what you needed?” Fred asked the host, “The Skiving Snackbox’s companion product, ‘You-No-Poo’. Guaranteed to cause crippling constipation in less than 3 minutes!”

“The constipation sensation, that’s gripping the nation!” exclaimed George

“Well, being conscious of time, lets move right along.” Antonella said, “Our viewers at home are probably wondering ‘but how do they taste?’ Let’s find out, shall we?”

She popped a candy into her mouth, and immediately started retching.

“NOOO!” the twins shouted in unison.

“You’re not supposed to eat the whole thing at once!” lamented Fred

“You’re only supposed eat half!” followed George

“The antidote is in the second half.” continued Fred

The poor unsuspecting host began urging in a rhythmic way, “Blech...Blech...Blech...Blech...”  

“Oh no!” wailed George “I think she’s stuck in vom-limbo.”

“Both sides of the sweet must be working against each other!” added Fred

“It’s simultaneously trying to make her be sick, and also keeping any sick from coming up.” George concurred.

Panic-stricken, Fred started rifling through his rugsack. He began removing items and throwing them behind him. A roll of parchment; a quill; various bottles and vials; a bowler hat; a cup of tea, complete with saucer; a set of fireworks, which exploded upon impact with the floor; a broom; a Yorkshire pudding; a literal kitchen sink...  

Between urges, Antonella asked “How...blech...did...blech...you...blech...fit...blech...all...blech...that...blech...in...blech...there?”

“Never mind that now! Here, eat this!” bellowed Fred, shoving the found antidote in the host’s mouth.

Finally, the retching stopped, but with it came a lengthy spew of vomit across the set, with such ferocity it rivaled Linda Blair in the exorcist. The show quickly switched to camera angle “B” to avoid broadcasting Antonella’s lost lunch to the viewers.

“I think it’s best we...uhh...take a little break,” the presenter said shakily, wiping tears and vomit from her face. “ugh... Up next we have Ken Oschipok with his beautifully iridescent Ammolite and White Zircon silver rings...ahh...oh...just a second, my producer is telling me something...”

She touched her finger to her ear, turned away from the camera and hissed into her mic “What do you mean you can’t find the rings? A Platypus? Are…are you sure it was a platypus? How did a platypus get in here, and why would it steal our merchandise?”

Fred and George exchanged worried glances.

The presenter looked back to camera, with a wide grin plastered on her face, “Sorry guys, we are just having a little bit of...umm...technical difficulties. We’ll be right back wi...OH!”

Suddenly a red envelope swooped down out of nowhere, flicked Antonella across the nose and stopped abruptly in front of the twins. A loud but shrill voice echoed throughout the studio.

"FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY! OF ALL THE COCKAMAMIE STUNTS YOU’VE EVER PULLED — MUGGLE TV? YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU! IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I RECEIVED A CALL FROM RITA SKEETER, ASKING FOR A QUOTE FROM THE DELINQUENTS’ MOTHER — I NEVER — IN ALL MY DAYS — YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK ~ AGAIN! AS IF THE MINISTRY HASN’T BEEN FACING ENOUGH BACKLASH, AFTER THAT NIFFLER GETTING LOOSE, NOW THIS? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU TWO COME HOME THIS INSTANT!!!"

Once the assault on everyone’s ears subsided, the presenter unsteadily staggered out of shot, with her hand on her forehead, murmuring “I think I need a nap, or a drink, or both”

The screen cut to another pre-recorded infomercial; a cheerful rock jingle began to play.

You wanna skip class, but not look like an ass? If you want an excuse; What have you got to lose? You better show some moxie, Grab a Skiving Snack Box-y From Weasley- Wizard - Wheezes!

Harry stood slack jawed, in the living room, transfixed by what had just played out on the tv in front of him. Clean laundry scattered around his feet, from where he’d dropped the basket.

“Bloody Hell! Those crazy troll bogeys!” He thought with a grin. A shocked guffaw escaped his throat.

Aunt Petunia gave him a scandalized glare and shrieked “I suppose you have something to do with this?”

Harry scooped all the laundry into his arms and dashed upstairs before she could chastise him any further. Although, he imagined any tongue-lashing Aunt Petunia could give him, would pale in comparison to the dressing down the twins were probably getting, from Molly Weasley, right now. She is one fierce boss-witch.

“Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Burrow, right now” Harry said to himself, with a chuckle. “I can’t wait to hear the details from Ron!”

[bush-viper-cutie]

“Shrieking Shack Ghosts” || YEAR 3 – Ch.28 (HP au)

                              Chapter List

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Day posted: 10/16/2020

Word count: 3, 207

Relationship: EVENTUAL severus X oc (slow burn)

Rating: E for everyone

Warnings: none

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A/N: This is my first fan fic I’m writing mainly as a way to practice. This is a retelling of the hp books with an inserted character. Although most every character will be written about, this is mostly for the pro snape fandom. Please do not fear, although this is a severus x oc story, it is an incredibly slow burn as I do not intend for them to get together at all until after the final book events. Chapters will be posted twice a week.

This derivative work follows the events of the Harry Potter books by Jk Rowling and is intended as a fun way to practice my writing. Thank you for reading :D

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“Oh, of course you don’t look suspicious at all.” Heather crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot as Harry and Ron came down the stairs towards her. “Who would ever suspect you, carrying your school bag on a Saturday morning?”

Harry moved his bag to rest behind him instead of to his side. He crossed his arms back at her. “I’m just going to do some studying in the library after Ron leaves.” He looked around at the empty corridor but there was no need, everyone was at breakfast already, eager to get the day started.

She rolled her eyes. “We’ll both ‘go study’ today.”

They sat down with everyone and ate, trying to look somewhere between sad and bored and not at all excited to get down to Hogsmeade. They were careful not to look down the table at Hermione, who had told Harry last night she’d tell on him and get the map confiscated if she thought they were leaving the castle. Ron left, winking at them and saying ‘See you soon’, leaving them to finish eating their food slowly, looking miserable, as everyone else got up to leave and line up for Hogsmeade.

Hermione walked up to them, pushing against the river of students and sat down next to Harry, pushing her frizzy hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry. I really am but you must understand… It’s for your own good.”

“It’s ok. We’re just going to be studying in the library, I guess. Get some homework done so we have more free time.” Harry looked absolutely pitiful as he moved his breakfast around with his fork.

“Alright… I’m sorry.” Hermione got up and hugged Heather before running out the great hall.

The only people left were the second and first years, and a couple of teachers who hadn’t finished breakfast yet. They calmly got up and walked out, making sure to head up the entrance hall stairs before waving down to Ron and Hermione who both waved up at them with very different looks.

They hurried up to the third floor and opened up the one eyed witch. While Harry shoved his bag inside Heather opened up the map and scanned the halls. A tiny set of footprints were heading their way.

“Harry!” she hissed. “Neville’s coming!”

“How close?”

“Harry! Heather!” Neville had spotted them around the corner.

Harry quickly closed the witch’s hump and stepped back. They stood against the opposite wall as far back from the witch as possible to avoid suspicion.

“Neville. You aren’t going to Hogsmeade?” Heather slipped Harry the map and he stuffed it in his pocket. “Oh, I forgot.”

Neville stopped right next to them. “It’s part of my punishment. Hey what are you two doing? We could play exploding snap together! I’ve gotten good… kind of.”

Heather and Harry looked at each other.

Harry nodded. “Oh, that’d be great… But I have that vampire essay to do for Lupin. We’ll be in the library…”

Neville’s eyes brightened. “Oh, could I join? I haven’t done it either – ”

“N-no… oh Harry, remember we did it last night?” Heather put her hand on Neville’s shoulder. “Sorry we can’t work on it together.”

“You could help me with it then!”

It was clear Neville was desperate for company. They must be the only three people in their year not down in Hogsmeade right now. Maybe they could bring him along? Although it’d be hard to hide under the cloak with him… he was a bit larger than Ron and it was hard enough with just the two of them.

“Er – ” Harry was about to respond when Neville gasped and stepped all the way in front of them, looking over their shoulders.

They turned around and saw Professor Snape walked up to them with arms crossed and narrowed eyes.

“And what… are you three doing here?” His eyes slid from Neville to Heather and stayed on Harry. “An odd place to meet up with friends, isn’t it? – Potter.”

Heather watched Professor Snape’s eyes flick to either side of them, to the closed classroom doors, and then to the one-eyed witch a few feet away. He narrowed his eyes at it and raised a single black brow, looking back at them. He looked as suspicious as Hermione had during breakfast, the same doubtful kind of suspicion.

“We didn’t mean to meet up here we just – ” Harry looked at Heather, “…happened to.”

“Really.” Professor Snape drummed his fingers on his elbow and took a few more seconds to cast them wary eyes. “It’s often your habit to turn up in places you aren’t supposed to be in – especially – places you shouldn’t be in.” He looked from Harry to Heather and she looked down. “I suggest the three of you find somewhere else to be, like your common rooms. I believe I should have assigned enough essays to keep you busy this weekend?”

They nodded and turned on their heels, heading away. Harry turned to look back at him as they rounded a corner but Heather pulled him forward. They walked all the way up to Gryffindor Tower when Heather stopped and pulled Harry to a halt.

“Harry, will you drop me off at my common room?”

Neville was holding the portrait open.

“Oh – er – yeah. It’s on the way to the library and… I forgot I left the essay there last night. See you, Neville.”

“I’ll get my textbook down,” he said and went inside.

“I feel bad for lying to him. Can’t we – ”

“No.” Harry pulled her away and took out the map as he went down the stairs. Once they were away from the security trolls guarding the portrait he pulled it up to his nose and squinted at the tiny words. “Passage is clear. Snape’s on the second floor. Why’s he always just walking around?”

They headed down the stairs to the third floor again, examining the map one last time for anyone nearby.

“His office now. And – ” Harry continued. “He examined the statue. D’you think he knows about it?”

Heather opened the witch’s hump and waited for him to clear the map and put it away. “No, or he would have found your bag.” She pushed it aside and walked in, careful not to slip and fall down the incline. She lit her wand the second the statue closed behind her, before they could be cast in total darkness.

The passage walls looked rough where the light hit as they walked, their steps echoing slightly. It was an odd kind of quiet inside, like the whole world was suddenly muffled. Outside the tunnel, walking around even the quietest of passageways, distant talking or laughter or even birds singing and cawing outside could be heard. Inside the tunnel, it was like silence was the permanent state of things and the thought of talking felt rude and disrespectful to the darkness up ahead.

They walked for several minutes before the eeriness set in, and her mind wandered to places it shouldn’t. The same kind of fear that they weren’t alone in the tunnel, and that Sirius Black would be waiting for them some feet ahead crept in more powerfully than the first time they walked through the tunnel. She was leading the way and hesitating with each step she took, holding her wand out as far as she could, willing the light to reach farther ahead.

“D’you think Ron and Hermione will ever be friends again?” she asked, attempting to distract her mind and calm her racing heart as they walked.

“Why would he examine the statue? He must think something.”

She couldn’t believe he was still stuck on Professor Snape. “Harry. He isn’t an idiot you know. All Slytherins know he can smell out trouble a floor away and you’re always getting in the middle of things that get us into trouble. I’m pretty sure I’d be top of his class if he didn’t hold a grudge against me because of you.”

“But I haven’t done anything this year.”

“You’re doing something right now.”

“WE’RE doing something.”

She decided not to respond. They reached the end of the tunnel eventually and, under the invisibility cloak, they emerged out of Honeydukes and looked around for Ron, spotting him sitting on a bench across the street, eating candy.

They walked up to him and Heather kicked his foot lightly. “Here. Finally.”

“What took you so long!” Ron frowned and got up, stuffing his candy back in his pockets. “It’s been an hour.”

They set off down the street walking next to Ron as he tried his best not to look like he was talking to himself.

“Snape was hanging around the statue.”

“Harry thinks it’s weird Professor Snape was suspicious of us.”

“He was suspicious of the statue.”

“If he knew about it he would have told Dumbledore.” Ron tried to keep most of his mouth shut as he talked. “Or he would have hidden in the tunnel waiting to catch you. It would’ve made his day – or life – depending on how many detentions that gets you.”

“Or he’s caught Fred and George around there too.” Heather wondered how Fred and George managed their mischief with him around. She never saw them in the same room together, apart from breakfast and dinner. Maybe they purposefully stay as far away from him as possible… with the map that would have been easy, just taking opposite stairs or walking down different passageways.

“In here,” Ron said out of the corner of his mouth, stopping right outside the Owl Post.

He pretended to look at cards to send to his brother Bill in Egypt while her and Harry looked around. The Owl post was a small looking shop two levels high, except it had only one floor. Walking in, there was a front desk and hundreds of different letter-related things in organized clear drawers all around the first level walls. Then, up high above their heads were hundreds of owls hooting and looking down at them, twisting their heads in curiosity.

Heather had the feeling they could see them under the cloak, but none came down to inspect them, not even when Heather tempted fate and held her arm up under the cloak to see if one would land on it. Harry pinched her and she tried not to yelp, quickly putting her arm back down.

“Where are you?” Ron muttered.

They pulled on his sweater and they left.

“Zonko’s next.”

They followed Ron into the shop and found it incredibly hard to remain hidden surrounded by so many students and children packed all around looking at products. Heather hated it inside, being reminded of the only time they’d been in a toy store with Dudley and his greedy hands touching every toy he could reach. Back then she’d been taller than both Harry and Dudley and was forced to reach up and grab things for him. The fact she nor Harry were allowed to touch anything made the experience much worse.

Harry, however, happily gave Ron coins to buy several jokes and tricks. He stuffed his pockets with Dungbombs, Hiccup Sweets, Frog Spawn Soap, and Nose-Biting Teacup apiece.

“I hope you aren’t planning on using those.”

“Who are you? Hermione?” Ron said bitterly.

What little Hagrid’s talk did for Ron yesterday had been quickly erased by Hermione’s threat and he was back to hating her. The wind threatened to blow the cloak off them and they decided it’d be best to get away from the town. It was a nice day aside from the cold and Ron thought it would be less scary to visit the Shrieking Shack.

“I tried going up here last time with – well you know who – but the snow made it hard to look at properly. I thought there was someone on the lawn but it was just a snowflake stuck to my eyelash.”

For it supposedly being the most haunted dwelling in all of Britain, it didn’t look so scary. It looked like it was swaying in the wind, ready to topple onto itself any second. The paint was a dark cream color and the roof a light grey. The windows were all boarded up and the door had several chains on it. There were surprisingly no visible holes or missing boards but it still looked like it was falling apart. It looked lonely and sad, not scary.

“Creepy,” Harry said.

“What’s supposed to be so scary about it?”

Ron leaned on the fence and swallowed. “No one can get into it – Fred and George tried of course – but it’s sealed shut. But everyone in town swears at one point or another, they’ve heard terrifying sounds coming from inside. I asked some of the ghosts about it and they say they avoid it and warn students to avoid it too.”

It was the only house on the hill and hidden safely behind a forest of short and thin grey trees with almost black looking leaves all dried but still hanging onto their branches. Whatever noises the town heard must come from something incredibly loud to travel all the way down passed the woods.

“It’s getting hot under here.” Harry reached for the bottom of the cloak when he stopped.

Heather heard Draco before seeing him climb over the hill, walking the dirt path between the tree lines towards them.

“ – remind me about the owl I’ll be getting from my Father. I’m sure the hearings going well. He’s telling them I couldn’t use my arm for three whole months.”

Crabbe and Goyle sniggered behind them, a little more winded than him from climbing.

“Imagine that big hairy moron trying to defend that stupid bird. ‘He won’ ‘arm anyone, honest. He’s innocent, he is – ‘ can you imagine?” He shook his head and spotted Ron suddenly. His smile turned into a wicked grin and his quick steps slowed and smoothed. “Ah, Weasley. House hunting, are you? Bit of a dream house for you though, isn’t it?”

Ron’s face went red as he scowled. “Leave me alone Malfoy.”

“I supposed it’d be a big step up. Maybe with this one, your family won’t have to all sleep in the same room. And you won’t be sleeping in a cupboard – oh wait, that the Potters, isn’t it?” Draco laughed and looked at Crabbe and Goyle happily as they laughed too.

Heather felt her own cheeks go red at the mention of their old room situation. Ron took a step forward but Harry pulled on the back of his shirt.

“I’ll take care of him,” Harry hissed into Ron’s red ear.

“No!” Heather tried protesting but there wasn’t much she could do unless she wanted Harry to walk away, cloak and all.

Heather followed Harry around behind Crabbe and Goyle and crouched down with him as he picked up mud.

“Don’t,” she tried again but he didn’t listen.

“We were just talking about that oaf friend of yours. Well, you know him best. D’you think he’ll cry at the mention of that hippogriff getting its head – ”

Harry quickly stuck his muddy hand out from under the cloak and flung as hard as he could, hitting the back of Draco’s head, covering his silver-blonde hair with thick brown muck.

Draco whipped around, looking angrily behind them. “What was that!” His anger melted into confusion when his frantic eyes spotted no one.

Harry and Heather had crept back around to stand to their far left. Harry picked up a moss covered stick and flung it, hitting Crabbe wetly on his neck.

“Argh!” Crabe started punching the air, taking quick steps towards them with every punch he gave.

“I think you made the house mad, Malfoy.” Ron leaned against the fence, pointing a thumb towards the swaying shack.

Draco finished rubbing the mud off him when he seized Ron’s sweater. “You’re doing this!”

SPLAT.

“It’s got me!” Goyle wiped green-ish mud off his uniform.

Draco swirled around, looking at Goyle and Crabbe hitting and kicking at the air. Heather was crouching down, covering her mouth with her hands trying not to burst out laughing. Harry was standing above her, ready to throw a stick when one of Crabbe’s kicks caught a bit of the cloak and pulled it down.

Harry quickly caught it at his neck and pulled it back up but Draco had already spotted him, pointing and screaming at where Harry’s head had appeared and then disappeared. Crabbe and Goyle hadn’t seen but ran back down the hill as soon as Draco yelled. Draco ran after them, looking somewhere between angry and scared.

Ron pointed down the hill. “You guys better run! He’s probably on his way to tell on you! Get to the castle fast – ”

“See you!” Harry yelled and pulled Heather up by her arms.

She had been frozen with dread the second Draco had pointed in their direction and screamed. As they ran down the path to Hogsmeade, she couldn’t help but picture him bursting through the doors screaming at the top of his lungs that he’d ‘just seen Potter in Hogsmeade!’ at everyone.

They got down to the town and the first thing she spotted was the apothecary sign swaying in the wind across from the Three Broomsticks.

“Wait!” She ducked out from under and ran in.

If she was going to get in trouble for going into Hogsmeade, then she had to make it at least worth it. She slammed the list down on the counter and huffed at the old man staring at her red and sweaty face. He took it without a word and started putting it all together in a white cloth bag. She could hardly enjoy the experience, thinking about whether anyone would believe Draco. It wasn’t common to have a cloak, and Draco probably thought Harry or any other non-pureblood wouldn’t have one… but Professor Dumbledore knew they did. And she was sure Professor Snape, even if he didn’t know about the cloak, would be highly suspicious of them.

The old man set the bag of ingredients on the counter and waited for her to count up her coins. He gave her a polite nod as she handed them over and picked up her things, running back out of the store. She looked around wildly but found absolutely no hint of where Harry was. Did he leave her?

Just as her panic began to worsen, she felt something push her into the alley between shops and she ducked under the cloak again.

“You’re mad!” Harry hissed. “Let’s go!”

The apothecary hadn’t taken any longer than five minutes max, but it felt like she had doomed them already. She stuffed the bag strings through her skirt belt loops and tied it closed, stuffing the bag up into her sweater and stuffing the sweater end into her skirt, keeping the bag of ingredients tucked inside neatly.

They ran inside Honeydukes, slipped in the back shop door, and down the stairs into the trap door. Heather could only hope, as they ran as fast as they could, wands lit and extended out, that the tunnel was a shorter distance than the path leading up to the school.

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@lokilover-39

@halcyonrogers

@krazykatkay456

@lady-of-black-roses

@writingmi

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[megamanmodelaaa-fanstories]

Alpharad’s CPUCS - The Novel, Chapter 1: Welcome New Smash Brothers & Sisters! (Part 1)

7th December 2018, long awaited... has finally arrived!

In a Realm far from our reach, a special event called the “Super Smash Bros Games” opens up every few years where the best come together for a series of duels & competitions to reignite relations & create new ones. This particular one is the 5th in the line of many, marking the 19th Anniversary of these games.

Among those games, a particular set of Tournaments are organized to pit the best of the best against each other for supremacy & bragging rights called the “CPU Championships”, fully sponsored by a one “Alpharad”. No one really remembers why they were labelled with the abbreviation “CPU”, but the name stuck out of respect to those old traditions. The first of the CPU Championships (CPUC for short) is about to begin.

The sun rose to a huge crowd converging to see the first of the CPUCs take place. The streets were packed, some conversing, some running stands or shops, others organizing & watching over the festivities. Sometime later, a familiar voices echoes through the speakers to the masses’ ears… it was Mario!

Mario: “Thank you so much everyone for joining us today! We are-a happy to begin these Championships as we have always done for 19 Years! To begin & for a warm welcome, today’s Challengers will be this season’s Returners &-a New Comers! Let’s-a GO!”

The Coliseum Doors open as everyone rushes in to take their seats. While medieval in design, the Smash Coliseum houses the latest in recreational technology, allowing it to emulate almost any Battle Stage with various Hazards & Features. So it begins, the first ever CPUC of this season pits new comers & returning veterans against each other!

CPU Championship No. 1 Rules & Players:-

-Normal Stages

-FSM Allowed

-No Items

-No Hazards

-Tournament Bracket:

With spectators so excited you could hear them cheer thousands of miles away, Mario strikes the Smash Bell signifying the beginning... of the Tournament!

Match No. 1- Pichu vs. Incineroar

The battle started with both Fighters sizing each other up as they tried to fixate their footing on the moving stage “3D Land”, a very odd start for an opening Match. In reality however, one of the Competitors was a little uneasy about the match-up.

Incineroar: “(Is the audience gonna be OK with me pummeling this little guy?)”

Incineroar did his best to keep things even between him & Pichu to avoid any backlash, especially when you consider that most of this fan base are young passionate fans. All this wasn’t helped by the fact that Pichu was doing sloppily at first, and when he opened with a Headbutt Attack, he missed… nearly throwing himself out-of-bounds.

Pichu: “T-That was close… Sorry Mr. Incineroar!”

Incineroar: “Watch your positioning boy! (I need to handle this fight carefully…)”

Incineroar continues to pull his punches on Pichu, literally staging acts like nearly going out-of-bounds himself by falling behind & missing a Lariat Attack on purpose. But much to his surprise as soon as Pichu started landing a few hits, his momentum kept building up & eventually, he started showing acrobatics that are on par with the likes of Sheikh & Zero Samus! Even Incineroar couldn’t keep up with him!

Pichu wasn’t known to be the most capable Fighter many years ago because he never measured up to all the other competitors. But this time, it was clear to Incineroar & everyone else that this is a new Pichu standing before them!

Incineroar: “Have you been training?”

Pichu: “Y-Yes! Every day since I was invited again.”

Incineroar: “Then show me the new fire in you!”

They clashed without hesitation, sparks of fire & thunder flying with every punch, every kick, every grab, showing a passion for competition that is exactly what followers of these tournaments look for! With full vigor, the two unleash their Final Smash Arts, “Max Malicious Moonsault” & “Volt Tackle”! Incineroar tries to hold Pichu with his bare hands, but then Pichu slips right through sending a flurry of electric charges everywhere! Finally, the burning wrestler flies off the stage unable to recover back. The winner is… PICHU!

Incineroar: “N… Nice one boy. *Wheeze* should’ve known you had it in ya all along...”

Pichu: “S-Sorry Mr. Incineroar… & thank you!”

Match No. 2- Ridley vs. Ice Climbers

Nana: “Uuuh Popo, why does this guy look like the Pterodactyl who keeps stealing our vegetables??”

Popo: “Isn’t he the one people have wanted in these games for years? He looks kinda silly up close, haha!”

That last statement… could not be far from the truth; Ridley isn’t just vicious, but also has a troll like demeanor. The battle started out normally with both sides equally exchanging attacks… until.

Ridley suddenly grabs Popo by the face & drags his body on the ground towards the stage boarder… along with himself?! He then makes a hard stop at the last second, walking away from Popo with a wide grin on his face as if holding back laughter…

Nana: “Are you OK Popo?!”

Popo: “I-I-I’m fine… Come on, let’s get this maniac…!”

The two climbers reform & charge on ahead, but it’s becoming clear that Ridley’s earlier act was enough to throw their well-spoken teamwork out the window. Discoordination, miscommunication, losing track of each other, far too often have have they found them selves on opposite sides away from each other, & Ridley was taking full advantage of these missteps to further crush their focus. Even to the point of taunting the duo mid-fight.

Alas, while they were retreating to retrace & regroup, they’ve failed to notice the pit behind them & fell in together… & Ridley laughed & mocked them the whole way through. The winner is… RIDLEY!

Ridley: “RAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!”

Popo: “He played us… the whole TIME!”

Nana: “Calm down Popo, we’ll get another shot next time…”

Both Climbers leave the ring, with Popo clenching his fist in disgrace…

Match No. 3- King K. Rool vs. Solid Snake

Solid Snake: “A giant crocodile?? Is this karma for all the crocodiles Big Boss ate years ago??”

Otacon: “Careful Snake! He may look like a glutton, but he’s strong & also commands an army powerful enough to occupy an entire Island!”

Solid Snake: “OK then… Bring it on Big Croc!”

King K. Rool: “That’s KROC to you, Onesie Man!!”

Snake’s faster & more nimble, so the Espionage Legend had the towering reptile beat in Close-Quarters-Combat “CQC”. However, K. Rool’s body armour was harder than Snake was anticipating. More shockingly, the armour was also flexible enough to deflect & outsight counter attacks.

Solid Snake: “My attacks haven’t even dented that thing?!”

King K. Rool: “*BELLY SLAP!* Do your worst, stick figure! Hehehee!”

Snake slowly escalates towards using firearms & explosives, but could hardly scratch that armour, let alone launch him out of the ground! The Kroc King also started using his own trusty weapon: An unorthodox single barrel rifle that was throws opponents off with its ability to absorb anything into it. In desperation, Snake calls for his biggest gun.

Solid Snake: “Otacon, engage Covering Fire!!”

FIVE Large Missiles come flying in, all hit their giant green target... But fail to send him out. It was all looking futile as King K. Rool sends the Solider off with a single punch, a feat barely tons of Snake’s own were able to achieve. The winner is… KING K. ROOL!

Solid Snake: “Blast… I’m surprised no one calls you ‘Metal Gear Croc’…”

King K. Rool: “For the last time, it’s KROC!!”

Match No. 4- Wolf vs. Isabelle

Isabelle: “It’s a pleasure to meet you Wolf! Let’s keep it Clean!”

Wolf: “Hmph. They paired me with YOU? This must be a joke, I’ll end this quick.”

The match starts with Wolf dashing towards Isabelle as she….. Takes out a Fishing Rod?? Wolf was left confused, what could she be doing? There aren’t any ponds to fish in on this stage. Shrugging it off, Wolf dashes in to steal the opportunity, only for Isabelle to reel in, grab him then swing to the other side nearly flying outside!

Isabelle: “What do you think of this Rod? Bought it myself from my favorite store!”

Wolf: “You insolent little dog! You’ll pay for this!”

While Wolf continued to charge at the innocent looking Isabelle, she kept on playing with her Fishing Rod throwing him off at every turn. Even when he does see though that trick, she whips out something else unusual as a weapon: A Bug Catching Net, a Stop Sign, even some vegetables! It was becoming very hard to read this fragile-looking, yet versatile Fighter.

Wolf: “BOYS, GET IN HERE NOW & FINISH HEEER!!”

Wolf calls his Star Wolf Team to try & put her down the sights, but even that wasn’t working somehow, always missing at the last possible second.

Wolf: “Why. Won’t. You. FALL?!”

Isabelle: “Now now Wolf, anger isn’t good for your blood pressure. Teehee!”

Wolf was not having any more as he switches to a more aggressive approach to cover some lost ground, letting his claws loose as he flies everywhere around the Innocent Secretary. Then suddenly, Isabelle calls Tom Nook & the Nooklings for a plan of attack. But just as they were about to start, Wolf dodges to the other side for a counterattack... That unfortunately will not happen for as soon as he stops, a Gyroid pops out beneath his feet sending the unsuspecting pilot to the sky!

Wolf: “IMPOSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!”

The winner is… ISABELLE!

Isabelle: “Wish you a safe landing!”

& just like that, the first half of the CPUC’s first round of matches have concluded! How will the others fair? Who will come out on top? Will anyone else face the consequences of underestimating their opponent? Come back next time for Chapter 1-2!

Thank you for reading & have a good day! 👋🏻😄

[sorceress-coffee]

Trollhunters Episode 4 Pt. 1

Draal x OC This is based on the first half of episode 4 however, since this is from River’s POV this will be mostly ‘behind the scenes.’ Thank you for reading!

Episode 1 

Episode 3 Pt2 

Episode 4.2 

I watched as Draal stood, growling lowly at Jim. “5 days,” he snarled, “we will fight in the forge.” He turned, huffing through his nose blowing out a cloud of steam. He walked out, head held high, nodding slightly to me as he passed. I tilt my head in recognition, debating on following Draal to ask what happened. As I stepped to follow after him, I was suddenly lifted from the ground and into a group hug with Toby and Jim, Aaarrrgghh had already caught them.

Blinky clapped two of his four hands, grinning up at us, “Excellent, Master Jim! We should start your trying right away if you are to defeat Draal!”

Aaarrrgghh laughed deeply as he walked out of the bar before setting Jim, Toby, and I down again.

Toby punched Jim’s arm, grinning “This is gonna be awesome! Right River? Oh! Hey River, when did you get here?” he asked.

“I walked in during your confrontation. What made you snap?” I asked Jim, frowning.

Jim was scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, “Well, I got in a fight with Steve, and-”

I raised my hand to cut him off, “No, why did you challenge Draal?”

“He was talking shit about his and Jim’s sparring yesterday!” Toby almost yelled, glaring at the memory.

Blinky clasped my shoulder as he guided us to the forge, “Come now masters, we have much training to do!” He took notice of the metal rod in my hand. “River? What do you have there?”

I lift the rod, looking over it confused for a moment, “Oh,” I held it out and tightened my grip slightly, as I did the rod began to glow blue and the lance I had forged with Vendel sprung to life, the veining in the staff giving off a faint sapphire glow. “Vendel and I found a way to channel my magic, he told me to find Jim to practice, but I think I’ll pass for today, he needs to learn troll fighting, not how hard I can bash his skull in.” I teased, lightly whacking Jim on the top of his head with the non-bladed end of the lance.

Jim laughs, smacking the lance away from him. “Those were the drawings you were working on Friday night, right? It looks amazing River!

“No way! I thought your magic was gonna be your cool superhero thing, now you have a weapon too?” Toby asked, pouting slightly.

I shrugged, “Think of it more as a really sharp wand.”

Blinky held his hands out, “May I?” I smile and place the lance in his hands. He tests the weight, swinging it slightly before looking over the sapphire veining closely. “Incredible Lady River! You made the gems for this?”

I nod, reaching into my black satchel and grabbing the extra gem I took, not the one that looks like Draal’s crystalline back. I hand it to Blinky, taking my lance back. “You should see the one in the center of the Heartstone. I went a little overboard.”

Blinky inspects the gem closely before handing it back. “I will once Jim’s training is finished for the day, thank you Lady River.”

I nod then notice Toby’s eyes are locked on the crystal now in my hand, I chuckle before handing it to him. “I thought you could add this to your collection.”

Toby grins taking the crystal, he starts jumping, listing off various gems, trying to place what it could be. Aaarrrgghh taps the stone, smiling “Not normal gem. Magic.” He explains, letting Toby know he won’t be to categorize it.

Jim shakes his head at his best friend’s excitement, “He’s not going to stop talking about this for a while,” he smiles to me before patting my shoulder. “Why don’t you head home River, you’ve been here for two days straight.”

Smiling, I nod, letting the lance collapse again. “I’ll be heading out soon. Is it daylight?”

Blinky shakes his head, “sunset, actually. You’ll want to hurry home before Bular is out running around.”

Nodding, I hug Jim and ruffle Toby’s hair. “I’ll see you later tonight! Bye Blinky! Bye Aaarrrgghh!” I take off running towards the exit for Trollmarket, keeping my eye out for a certain blue Troll. I frown slightly when I don’t see him, but shrug it off. Draal had a fight he probably wasn’t too worried about preparing for, but still, he was probably getting ready.

I climbed up the crystal steps to the canal exit of Trollmarket, playing with the lance as I walked, twisting it around my hand and back, slowly at first, trying to get the motions down. As I went to flip the lance over my hand it hit part of the stone wall and bounced back, hitting me in the head. “Ow…” I quickly grab the side of my head, trying to dull the throbbing. A sudden burst of laughter ahead caught my attention. I look up to see Draal, bent over laughing, at the canal exit.

I huff at him, giving him a mock glare, “Oh, come one! I’ve barely had it an hour! Did you think I’d be doing backflips by now?” I asked, pouting a bit, still rubbing my head.

He straightens up, slowly getting control of his laughter, “You were just doing well, and then you were bested by a wall.” Snickering, “That’s two walls that have it out for you.” He remarked, referring to my destroying a wall in the forge during his and Jim’s spar.

“And here I thought you were supposed to save me when the walls decided to attack.” I snarked back.

He smirked before opening the exit, walking through. “I remember saying not to launch yourself off of walls when I can’t be there to help you, not that I’d protect you if they attacked.”

I followed him through the exit, walking beside him as we head in the direction of my house, laughing. “Well, I kept up part of my deal!”

“Still bested by the wall.” He smirked down at me.

Rolling my eyes, I collapse the lance, slowing my pace. “Well, I don’t have any training yet, of course, the wall is going to win! That’s like me trying to pick a fight with you!”

Draal slows to match my pace, snorting at the thought. “You’re too smart to try that. Even for a fleshbag.” He tilts his head in thought. “You will be training with the troll hunter?”

I shake my head, “Nah, Blinky’s gonna have all four hands full trying to keep Jim in line, I doubt he’d be able to handle us both. Besides, he has to train for whatever fight you agreed to earlier. Fighting me won’t help with that.”

At the mention of the fight, Draal stops short, watching me. “You don’t seem worried.”

“You’re sparring with Jim again, I’m more worried about falling off another wall.” I joke, frowning when I look back to Draal, a serious expression etched on his face.

“This isn’t just a spar River.” He began slowly, “Honor was questioned. I will answer the call.” He began, “This is a fight to the death.”

I could feel the color drain from my face, going cold at Draal’s words. “Death…” He nods, watching my reaction closely. “He doesn’t know that!” I yelled, throwing my hand in the direction of the canal. “He probably thinks this is just another sparring session!”

Draal huffed, “If his teacher has any sense, he will explain the mistake he made.”

“Mistake?! Draal, one of you could die!” I started to panic, scared for both of them. “Please Draal, I understand there are things Jim and I both don’t know yet of your culture, but please reconsider this fight. If either of you…” I trailed off, hands shaking. I did the only thing I could think of to calm down, I rushed forward, hugging Draal tight, hiding my face. “Please, just… consider it. I don’t know if asking this is acceptable for Trolls, but losing my family or my friend…”

Draal had gone stiff when I rushed him, moving into a defensive stance. When he realized I was hugging him, he didn’t know what to do. After a while of silence, he finally reached up to pat my head, “If asked by anyone else, I would take insult, however, I will consider it. Though if he continues to insult, I will not hold back.” He stated.

I nod my head, still hiding against his chest. “Thank you Draal,” I slowly pull back when the shaking in my arms subsides. “Sorry for rushing you…”

He merely pats my head again, continuing our way to my house. “You need a trainer for that weapon, and I need to train, though I doubt it will be much of a fight to train for. I will train you how to wield your weapon properly, starting tomorrow. You’ve been locked in a forge with the old goat for two days straight. Get some rest.” He paused at the back door of the house, nodding to himself.

I yawned, nodding to him. “I will see you tomorrow then. Good night Draal.” I smile and pat his forearm before heading in.

“Goodnight River,” He called, leaving for Trollmarket.

I quickly grab a granola bar, eating as I head up to my room. I kick off my shoes before crawling under the covers, sitting up long enough to grab the gem I made that resembled Draal’s back and setting it on my nightstand before passing out for the night.

The next morning, I woke up early to do my chores, sweeping downstairs and dusting before Jim wakes up. Once I was done, I rushed upstairs to get ready for the day, I changed into black baggy cargo pants, my combat boots, and a dark purple long sleeve. Grabbing my backpack and satchel, I filtered through everything I needed for school and training. I grabbed my collapsed lance and walked out of my room as Jim’s alarm went off.

Jim was dragging his feet as he was walked out, mumbling in Spanish. Grabbing his book bag off the banister he headed straight into the garage. It looks like we were leaving right away. I quickly stuffed the lance in my backpack and took off after Jim.

Toby was already out front with taco truck bags. “I grabbed breakfast and lunch!” He grinned, handing me a breakfast burrito and diablo maximus for later.

Jim yawned, taking his bag, “Thanks Tobes, next time they’re on me.” We ate as we walked to school, having decided to nix the bikes since Toby’s was crushed by Bular’s, and he was too nervous to ride with Jim or me.

“Thank you, Toby!” I grin taking a bite. “Ironic choice since Jim woke up speaking Spanish.”

Toby, “Yeah, we have that comprehension test this week. Speaking of, any tips, teacher’s aide?” he looked up to me hopefully.

I shook my head, “Sorry Toby it’s a comprehension test, you’re speaking the entire time, no scantrons.”

Jim groaned, rubbing his eyes, “Besides, the last time we asked River for help, she would only communicate with us in Spanish for a week Tobes.”

Toby shuddered, “Remind me never to ask for language help again, I had a killer migraine trying to figure out how to ask for toast!”

I laughed as we walked into the school, “I’ll see you two later, trying not to cause trouble.” I headed off to my art class.

After a long day of classes, I was finally in Senor Uhl’s class, listing to Mary stumble over both her Spanish and English. I cringed, between Senor Uhl’s chalk screeching on the blackboard, and Mary’s terrible story about playing two guys.

“Little did anyone know; Maria was juggling two hombres. Manolo was muy guapo, but Joaquin had muchos musculos.” As Mary spoke, I glanced around the room, glaring as I see Steve harassing Jim. “And poor Maria had a pedoso heart.” I flinched hearing Mary, Senor Uhl’s chalk snapped once she said ‘pedoso.’

He quickly turned around, arms held behind his back, “What kind of heart did Maria have, Miss Wang?” He questioned Mary, walking around his desk.

“Um, a heavy heart. ‘Pe-Do-So.’ Or is it-” Mary was beginning to panic.

“I would hope Maria wouldn’t have a pedoso heart, because that would mean ‘gassy’” He interrupted Mary, lecturing her. “Did Maria have a gassy heart, Miss Wang?”

Mary was embarrassed and almost on the verge of tears, “Of course not Senor Uhl!”

“You were trying to say ‘pesado.’ ‘A heavy heart.’” He stated, “And it is with a heavy heart, Miss Wang, to tell you, that you have not shown the slightest comprehension of the basic Spanish.” He grabbed the tissue box, holding it out towards her. “If you can’t even finish the exam, I have no choice but to fail you.”

Mary’s face fell, she grabbed a tissue quickly as she began to cry over her failing grade. I sighed, writing down the grade next to her name on a spreadsheet Senor Uhl gave me to record the student’s grades as he focused on listening to their exam.

As the bell rung everyone got up to leave, I waited for all the students to exit.

“Mr. Lake, I look forward to your presentation tomorrow.” Senor Uhl commented to Jim as he passed by to leave, stretching.

“Yeah,” Jim chuckled nervously, quickly moving to the door, “I’m ready…”

I shook my head, handing the sheet to Senor Uhl before heading out. I found Jim and Toby by the lockers, Jim looking upset. “What happened? You look like you just failed instead of Mary.”

Toby shook his head, “He just got guilt tripped by Claire for missing rehearsal yesterday.”

“She thinks I’m a jerk!” Jim threw his hands up as we started the walk to the canal.

“Two days in and you’re already skipping.” I shook my head. “How was training last night?”

Toby sighed, “Before or after the gnome stole the amulet?”

Jim groaned, “That’s right, we need one of them gems you made, Blinky said it would help with getting the gnome.”

I nodded, “There’s a few stored in the Heartstone chambers by Vendel’s study, Blinky can grab whichever one he needs.” I pull out a horngazel that Vendel gave me. Opening the entrance and walking through

Jim frowned slightly, “You’re not going to hang out with us? I thought Vendel was giving you a break to train with the lance?” he asked, following me in with Toby.

I smile and nodded, heading down the stone steps, “He is, but you need to train for your fight with Draal, someone offered to teach me how to properly wield the lance.” I state, leaving out the part that I was training with Draal, not sure how happy Jim would be about it.

Toby looked at me confused, “Can’t be Vendel, I don’t think he’s that spry.”

I shook my head, waving them off as the met with Blinky and Aaarrrgghh, “I’ll see you later, good luck with the gnome!” I called, running off to find Draal.

I scoured Trollmarket for almost an hour, asking other Trolls if they had seen Draal, most of which just snorted at me and kept on with whatever they were doing before. I sighed, walking through a part of the market dedicated to different types of Troll cuisine, wondering if Draal had to leave for something important. As I made my way through the stalls, I was suddenly hit by something large and wall like from behind. My feet were swept off the floor as whatever ran into me decided to grab me. I quickly grabbed my lance, angling it so the staff would ram into whatever grabbed me as I activated it. As calculated, once I activated the lance, the staff quickly shot back and I was launched out of the grip, landing on my feet about 8 feet forward. Swinging the lance into a defensive position as I turned, ready to face whatever attacked me, and I was met with laughter.

Draal had been my surprise attacker. Though he was laughing, I didn’t sense that he was mocking me. “What the hell Draal? What if I had stabbed you instead?” I asked, pissed at being caught off guard.

Draal clasped his hand, his laughter had died out, but he was grinning. “You weren’t aiming for anything vital, so it wouldn’t have done much harm. I’m impressed at your quick reflexes though. Good to know you’ve got some fight in you too.”

I groaned, realizing why I wasn’t able to find him, and what the other Trolls were looking at me like I was crazy when I had asked for Draal. “You were following me the entire time.”

Draal nods, placing a hand on my back to guide me as we walked. “Since you entered Trollmarket with the Trollhunter and the other fleshbag.”

“Toby,” I remarked, noticing how depending on who Draal was referring to, ‘fleshbag’ either sounded endearing, usually towards me, or annoyed, Toby and Jim.

Draal snort, “Right, To-bee.” He drawled out on purpose, smirking down at me. “We’ll be training in the caverns since you haven’t told the Trollhunter I was training you, I figured the forge wouldn’t be available.” He stated a slight irritation in his tone.

I sighed, “Sorry, he knows we get along, but with the outburst in the bar, and your fight coming up, I don’t know how he’d react.”

Draal hummed, leading me into the caverns, large dark caves only illuminated by the glowing gems embedded in the walls. “You are worried he will disapprove.”

I snort a laugh, “Hell no, I just don’t want to psych him out.”

Draal smirked at my answer, seeming to be in a better mood. We stopped in a large cave, a little smaller than the forge. It was well lit compared to some of the other caves we had traversed through. Draal motioned for me to face him, pulling out a training staff. “Mimic my movements.” He started out by holding the staff in both hands parallel to the ground at arm’s length. As I took the position and copied his stance, he swung the staff down to the side, then pulled it up over his head, standing on one foot.

I mimicked Draal for a few hours, the movements became fluid, more stances were varied. Soon he was instructing me on lunging techniques and blocking. Around midnight we were sparring fluidly. As Draal curled into his ‘boulder stance’ as I began to call it, he set off to ram into me. I quickly dug the end of the lance into the ground as Draal was a few feet away, closing in fast, and I vaulted myself over him, swinging the lance around to whack his side with the staff end, landing behind him.

Draal landed on his feet and grabbed his side where I had hit, then cheered turning to me, “Well done River! Similar to your evasion of my surprise attack earlier.” He nodded to himself, going over the maneuver again.

I dropped to sit on the floor, chest heaving, covered in sweat. “Thanks, Draal. You’re a really good trainer, I’m surprised how far I’ve gotten.”

Draal smirked and sat next to me, “You need a break. We’ve been training since the sun was up.”

I grin, flopping back on the ground, looking up at him. “Thank Deya! I’m exhausted!” My stomach growled and I groaned.

Draal barked a laugh, “Looks like you’ll need to move or your stomach will keep screaming.” He poked my stomach as it growled again. I yelped whacking his hand away quickly. Draal frown, “You can’t be injured, you never sustained a blow to that side of your torso.”

I huff, hugging over my stomach before he could decide to prod and look for injuries, “I’m not hurt, that just tickled.”

“Tickled? What is tickled?” Draal had a look of utter confusion etched over his face.

I tilt my head to face him, trying to explain what tickling is, “Well, being ticklish means that when you’re touched certain ways, it sets of nerves and you get this feeling under your skin, your skin jumps, but in a really weird way it's not a bad feeling. People’s reactions vary though. Some people laugh uncontrollably, others kick and punch, trying to get away from the tickling.”

Draal’s face was etched in morbid curiosity as he looked from his fingers to my stomach again. “Why do fleshbags have such weaknesses?” He begins to poke at my leg when he doesn’t get a reaction, he pokes my arm. When I fail to react again, he starts poking at my sides that weren’t covered by my arms.

I screech, laughing. Quickly trying to wiggle away from Draal as he continued to poke at my sides. Squirming, tears flowing down my cheeks, and gasping for air, I grapple his arm with my arms and legs, hanging off of it like a sloth. “STOP!”

Draal laughs at my tactic, lifting his arm so I’m dangling in the air. “How is this helping you?”

“Well you stopped, didn’t you?” I stuck my tongue out at him indignantly.

“Careful, you don’t want to lose that.” He smirked as I squeaked, quickly pulling my tongue back.

“Are you threatening to rip or cut my tongue out?” I ask in mock disdain.

He hums in thought, tilting his head slightly, “Possibly…” He suddenly shakes the arm I’m hanging from with a smirk.

I yelp at the sudden movement and let go, landing on his lap, glaring up at him. “How dare you, sir! I was hanging on that!” I gesture to his arm dramatically.

Draal shook his head and stood as my stomach growled again, picking me up off his lap so I was sitting in the crook of his arm. “Let’s get you some food.” He began to head out of the caverns.

Holding my collapsed lance close, I squirm in his hold, not used to being carried. “Um Draal, I can walk.”

He glanced down at me but made no move to set me down. “You trained well past your limit today. I doubt you’d be able to walk far,” he reasoned. We quickly made it back into Trollmarket, stopping at a stall that had food that was safe for humans to eat. Draal handed the food to me, walking through the market. “Eat this, it might taste like rocks.”

I took the food and began eating quickly, tilting my head at the taste, “not rocks, but nothing I’ve tasted before.” I spoke up. I pulled my phone out to check the time, groaning. “I have to get home, it’s 3am, and I have school tomorrow… well, today.”

Draal nods and heads out of Trollmarket to that canal. “Why do you attend this school, surely you are learning well under Vendel.”

“If I had a choice in the matter, I would love to run off to Trollmarket and focus on magic studies, but as I grew up human, well, we are forced to attend learning institutions until we are 18 years old, and if we don’t, we can get into trouble.”

“Bushigal!” He sneered, “Fleshbags and their idiotic rules.”

I shrugged, “Yup, and with mom being a doctor, well, she’s all about getting an education. I don’t think she’d be okay with me dropping to study magic any time soon.”

Draal hummed, “It is best she remains unaware, the fewer humans know, the better.” Climbing over the fence and into the backyard, Draal finally sets me down. “You said you could leave at 18 years of age, how old are you currently?”

“17, I’ll be 18 soon though. I’ve been thinking, Vendel said I would begin to age like a troll, would that mean I wouldn’t be able to stay around humans for long?” I asked Draal.

He hummed, thinking for a moment, “It depends on how long it takes for the fleshbags to notice you aren’t changing as fast. Worried? It's not like you won’t have anywhere to go.”

I looked up at him confused, “Where am I supposed to go? I can’t exactly afford to move around to different cities or states.”

Draal rolled his eyes at my question, “Trollmarket. You’re a sorceress, not a human, you’d be welcomed and respected in Trollmarket. Why do you think the Trolls leave you alone yet go out of their way to mess with the other fleshbags?”

“Because Toby can be loud and invasive and Jim is the first human Trollhunter,” I state with a blank look.

Draal shook his head, “You are more Troll-like, than you are human. You were recognized and taken in by the leader of Trollmarket, you study the arcane under him. The most fearsome warrior in Trollmarket took you under his wing to train you in weaponry,” he smirked, boasting, “and you’ve forged your own weapon in the short amount of time you have been coming to Trollmarket. I’m surprised you haven’t moved there yet.”

I laughed at his boasting, grinning up at him, “Thanks Draal, maybe once I can get away with dropping school, I’ll take you up on that.” I paused, yawning. “I’ll see you tomorrow for training my most fearsome warrior.” I tease hugging him, lifting my head slightly under his chin before heading inside, “Goodnight, Draal.”

If I had stayed a moment longer, I would have noticed that Draal had gone stone still at the gesture, once I had shut the door behind me, his jaw dropped, staring at the door, a hand rose under his chin where my head had been. Draal had to remind himself that I still didn’t know much about Trollish culture and that I most likely had no idea what I had just done.

[fajority]

Five times Caleb expressed physical affection exclusively through his cat, and one time he didn’t

I wrote another thing! This is, by the way, @fraeuleinjuhu‘s new Critical Role sideblog, so anyone who wants to follow me here, hop on board. 

Thank you @hippity-hoppity-brigade for being the best & nicest beta I could have hoped for <3

1- It takes Caleb a while to realize what Molly's problem is. In his defense, he does have a few of his own problems that take up about 90% of his capacity at any given time, and while their group has gotten almost uncomfortably close, Caleb has tried his best to stay on its outskirts.

He only notices Molly getting increasingly sharp and snappish with them at first, countering Beau's jibes with more and more cruel retorts, until Yasha takes him aside for what he assumes must be a more or less stern talking-to.

Caleb watches Molly slink around the bar they've wound up in this time, getting steadily drunker and louder. He sits down on the chair next to Yasha for a minute, placing his feet in her lap and tipping the chair back on its back legs dramatically.

Yasha gives him a few absent pats on the legs and then gently removes them from her thighs, and Caleb can practically feel Molly's mood drop.

Ah.

Of course: the circus seemed like a pretty affectionate bunch, even if they didn't always like each other. Their little motley crew is different, warier. More distant, at least physically.

Molly is touch starved and he has no tools to work with it. This place doesn't have a brothel. There are no strangers around that seem susceptible to his particular brand of charm.

Caleb's first idea is to message Jester to give Molly a good long hug, but when he turns to look for her, she's nowhere to be seen. Fjord is missing as well, so Caleb decides against investigating further just in case.

Molly has slumped on a barstool, elbows on the bar, his face in his hands. There's a grin on his face still, but it's holding on by a thread.

Caleb snaps his fingers, and Frumpkin jumps up onto his knees from under the table as if he's always been there, just out of sight.

He makes his way to Molly slowly, cradling Frumpkin to his chest. His decision is made, but that doesn't have to mean he likes it.

"Mollymauk," he greets and gets into the chair next to him. Molly gives him a grunt and an indecipherable stare.

Oddly enough, Caleb has found that he doesn't mind the red eyes at all: He's not very fond of pupils and irises anyway. He finds it much easier to maintain eye contact if he can't see the eyes fixating on him back.

"You look down today," Caleb starts, wavering. "I'd offer you a hug but I'm afraid I don't really, uh, do that kind of thing." Molly raises an eyebrow.

"I'd figured, or I probably would've tried to drape myself over you at some point this evening."

It has all the components of a confession, but it doesn’t sound like one: too annoyed, almost angry.

Caleb shakes off the image of Molly coming up behind his chair, leaning into his space, hands on his chest in a loose sort of hug. A sharp toothed grin pressed to his cheek. It sounds nice in theory, but in practice it will just feel like being crowded, short of breath and panicky and too much weight on him all at once, Caleb knows this.

"But Frumpkin does. I can lend him to you whenever you - uhm - crave - uh - physical contact, if you'd like."

He holds out a hand, and Frumpkin scales his shoulder and walks along his arm towards Molly.

Molly stares at him some more, or at Frumpkin, precariously perching on Caleb's hand. It's hard to say.

"Okay," he says finally. "Sure. Thank you."

He holds out his own arm, and Caleb grips it firmly, making a bridge for Frumpkin to cross, and then he's a purring scarf around Molly's neck, and Molly squeezes Caleb's hand once, very briefly, before he starts scritching Frumpkin behind the ears, mindful of his claws.

Caleb feels himself relaxing a fraction, and he pulls back his hand. That went well, he thinks.

"You can keep him until morning, if you want," he offers before he's even finished the thought. Molly looks at him again, and this time Caleb thinks he can see surprise in his expression.

"You don't need him?"

"I do, but he's always with me, no matter where he is location-wise." Caleb taps his head.

A grin very slowly unfurls on Molly's face. "Are you telling me you are feeling this?" He reaches up with his other hand to scritch under Frumpkin's chin, and Caleb gets an incredibly weird double feeling tugging him in two directions at once.

He tries for a middle ground, which is neutral honesty. "It's - not directly. I get the secondary impressions, if that makes sense."

Molly hums, thoughtful. "What are those?"

Caleb hates every second of this but he started this conversation to make Molly feel better, so he better see it through. He sighs.

"He feels… comfortable. Loved."

Frumpkin jumps down into Molly's lap and rolls up into a ball, still purring loudly.

Molly hums again, one hand settling on the cat. "I'd kill to have that," he says, sounding half serious. "Okay, I'd love to hold onto him until morning, but only if you don't spy on me."

"What would I even -" Caleb clamps his mouth shut on a memory, too late.

"You remember that I sleep naked," Molly grins.

"Vividly," Caleb confirms, and hightails it out of the conversation.

*

2- It happens while they're fighting a group of trolls attacking their camp at night: Beau is, as always, the first to get into the melée, jumping up and onto one of them and delivering a series of kicks and hits against its jaw - until it gets a handful of her and flings her against the nearest tree. She stays slumped against the trunk for a couple of seconds, enough for everyone to see her but not enough to reach her: Jester is occupied healing Yasha, her duplicate trying its best to get the troll to attack it instead of going after Beau again, and none of the others have healing spells or potions left. It's been a long day.

Caleb fires spells left and right, and out of the corner of his eye sees Beau move to sit up ever so slowly.

She's going to get back up and get herself killed for good, he thinks, and snaps his fingers. Maybe he can't reach her in time, but Frumpkin will.

And sure enough, Frumpkin goes from thin air to pointedly curling up in Beau's lap, nuzzling into her hands as she automatically reaches down to him.

Between two spells, he sees her shoot him a look that doesn't quite say fuck you, but it's a near thing. He motions for her to stay put. "We've got this, don't get yourself in trouble for no reason!"

She looks like she's considering to yell back a few choice words, but decides against it. Her whole body is shaking with the sheer effort of staying upright. She doesn't stop petting Frumpkin.

Caleb feels a wave of affection for her that is and isn't his own. He casts Haste on Nott, who brings down the troll that attacked Beau with three clean shots. He flashes her a proud smile and runs over to Beau, as if he could even shield her from any damage. As if she can't handle herself better than he will ever be able to.

It doesn't matter. He's out of spells, no use for anyone. He might as well get out of harm's way.

He sits down next to her, and she pointedly doesn't turn to look at him, although maybe that's her spine acting up. She did hit that tree pretty hard.

"I don't need you to protect me," she says.

Kiri could knock you out right now, he doesn't say. "I'm not protecting you," he says instead, holding out his hands, palms facing outward. "I'm tapped. If anything, you're protecting me."

Beau starts laughing and then very quickly stops again on a choked outbreath. "Thanks for that, Caleb," she says. It falls flat, like almost everything she says, but he thinks she might actually mean it this time.

They sit together and watch the last troll fall as Molly cuts its tendons and Fjord slashes its throat once it's down.

Beau's breathing rattles in her chest like an old woman's. It's all Caleb can do to wait until Yasha comes running and casts her Healing Hands.

"Thank you," he says in Celestial, sung on a sigh.

She gives him a confused look. "I am healing her, not you. Why are we speaking Celestial?"

"She never says thank you. I wanted you to hear it, but I didn't want to make her feel bad about it."

"Thanks, Yasha", Beau says, exhausted. The rattling sound has stopped, but she's still shaking ever so slightly. "That sounded nice. I hope you weren't talking shit about me."

Yasha gives him a pointed look, and Caleb gets up and offers Beau a hand. "Sorry about that. Do you want us to stop?"

Beau takes his hand. Frumpkin jumps onto her shoulder as she slowly gets up, spine popping. She leans her cheek into him, and Caleb feels a shadow of his cat satisfaction. He hides a smile about her conflicted expression.

"I mean, I don't appreciate being talked about, but it does sound really fucking nice."

"I thanked her for healing you, because you were looking that awful," Caleb volunteers.

Yasha flashes him a discreet thumbs-up.

"You're welcome," she says, and repeats it in Common, too.

"Fuck you too," Beau says, and ironically, it's like insults are the only thing she can make sound affectionate. Frumpkin butts his head up against her chin and purrs loudly.

*

3- When Caleb wakes up, screams still ringing in his ears and the heavy memory of smoke in his lungs, Nott's weight on his chest is just this side of suffocating, and he pries her off with shaking hands. She makes a small sound, turning her head in his direction, and he snaps Frumpkin into existence as quietly as he can.

The cat stretches out next to her, almost as long as she is when she is balled up like this. She settles her arms around Frumpkin as Caleb backs away into a corner of the room, choking on memories both real and made up.

Nott slings her arms around Frumpkin in her sleep, and this time Caleb doesn't feel the suffocation of it, just the quiet reassurance. He calms down in increments.

Forgetting nightmares is hard when you have a photographic memory, but Nott's steady breathing helps. When he strains his ears, he can hear the faintest purring.

I don't deserve any of this he thinks, and as he does, Frumpkin lets out a pitiful mewl, and Nott opens her eyes, glowing yellow in the dark.

Caleb doesn't try to hide anything like he would from anyone else. He just sits there and breathes through it, wheezing until he's panting until he's huffing until he's as quiet as he'll get.

Nott is watching him, and then she very deliberately reaches out a hand and starts petting Frumpkin.

The effect is immediate: Just like that, Caleb knows he's safe. More than that: he's worthy of it, too, just this once. He shrugs off the nightmare like a heavy coat and instantly feels exhausted, ready to fall asleep.

And then Nott’s small voice fills the quiet, and for once, she doesn’t sound skittish or hysterical, just sure.

“I know you think that your brokenness is the only redeeming factor about you, that breaking was the only indicator in all this that you're a good person - and I won't try to change your mind about it, although I think you're wrong - but even if that were the case, that still doesn't have to make it a bad thing if you let yourself heal. It's not a betrayal to your parents if you get better. If you let yourself be a good person in the time it takes to learn what you have to learn, it won't mean you disrespect their memory. I hope you know that.”

In the dark, in the privacy of their room, with nothing but Nott’s and Frumpkin’s glowing eyes watching him, he can almost believe it.

"Thank you," he tells Nott, and gets back under the covers. She blinks once, a cat smile, like he taught her. Frumpkin blinks back.

*

4- The next time Yasha leaves, Caleb sends Frumpkin to go with her.

She tries to hand him back over. "I don't know how long I'll be gone," she says.

"Take him anyway." Caleb bends down to Frumpkin to give him instructions. "Go with her until she tells you to leave. Then come back to us."

Frumpkin scales Yasha's leg, and she scoops him up. He climbs her arm and knits himself around her shoulders, and Yasha reaches out a hand to pet him, automatic.

"Don't spy on me", she says, and Caleb promises. "Friends, remember?" he says in Celestial.

"I'll hold him to it. Kick him in the shins at regular intervals so he can never be off guard here," Beau adds, and Caleb nods.

She nods back at him slowly, and turns away. They watch her leave, her huge form and the bright orange scarf getting smaller ever so slowly.

He feels intermittent bursts of warmth throughout the next days, and only thinks of checking in briefly, not only because Beau is holding up her end of the bargain and kicks him in the shins in the most unexpected moments.

Somehow, he doesn't want to lie to Yasha. Even if when he set out to gain her trust he did so because she is scary and strong and it's always good to have someone intimidating on your side. Something about the word friends keeps him from betraying her trust.

He's getting a signature feeling from each member of the Mighty Nein now, almost, he ponders. He can usually tell who snagged Frumpkin without looking: Nott feels calm and safe, Molly feels like a smile. Beau feels affectionate. Yasha just feels warm.

On the fifth day, Caleb feels small and unprotected and off the way he sometimes does; it takes him an embarrassingly long time to link it to the absence of the faint bursts of reassurance he so quickly got used to.

"Do you think Yasha's okay?" he asks Beau at dinner.

She stares at him for a couple of seconds, the way she does when he addresses her without preamble, and then shrugs.

"Don't know. She can probably handle herself."

She sounds miserable as well.

Caleb snaps his fingers once, and then again. Frumpkin comes running towards him, leaping into his arms and nuzzling his hand. Caleb feels the familiarity and closeness, but this time, it's not enough. They are too close in mind.

Frumpkin jumps back to the floor and starts pawing at Beau's trouser leg until she scoops him up with a sigh. She sinks her fingers into his fur slowly, and Caleb is struck with a feeling he barely remembers - compassion. Pity. Frumpkin attempts to lick Beau's face, and she leans back with a grimace: "No - what - that's weird, Caleb - "

"Oh - yes - sorry - " He calls Frumpkin off, who immediately goes to placidly lying in Beau's arms, the picture of a harmless pet. She eyes him suspiciously.

"Did you - did you, like, tell him to lick my face? Because that's really weird," Beau repeats, and Caleb is sure if he gets any redder his head will just explode.

"I didn't think of it as such," he tries to explain, fumbling. "Frumpkin just felt sorry for you and that is what he does when he feels that way, and it has been a while so I didn't remember in time to stop him."

"Frumpkin felt sorry for me." Beau asks, flatly. Caleb nods, and hopes this conversation will be over soon, so he can lie down and hopefully die and stop thinking of situations in which Beau probably also thought that Frumpkin was a part of Caleb in the same way his hands are. All of the laps and shoulders he's sat on. That time he licked Kiri's face. "Mmmhm." Beau gives him a considering look.

He tries and fails to look inconspicuous.

"So, how, how close are you to him? Can you, like, read his mind? Are you his mind?"

"Somewhere in between those two?" Caleb tries. "It's a connection, but he's still a cat. But I still made him. So he's also a part of me, but just a bit."

"So, before Frumpkin, did you never feel sorry for anyone? That strictly his job?"

Caleb feels the blood drain from his face all at once. He sits up stiffly. In Beau's arms, Frumpkin goes completely still.

"I didn't-"

Beau is already shaking her head, horrified. "Oh no, nope, no, I wasn't alluding to that, can we pretend that never happened please -"

Caleb nods gratefully. Frumpkin, less forgiving, lightly nips at Beau's finger. "I know, sorry," Beau tells him, and Caleb relaxes a fraction.

"I just meant," Beau tries again after a moment of silence. Caleb spends a few seconds wishing he had a God to pray to for this to end. To not loop back to before Frumpkin.

"I just meant, maybe you shouldn't distinguish - quite so much. Maybe you can just say you felt sorry."

"But it was Frumpkin. I am just miserable because he hasn't gotten anyone to pet him today and I'm afraid for Yasha and I am hating how lost I am without him. Then you picked him up and he felt - that."

He pauses for a second. "He's better at the interpersonal stuff than I am. You might have noticed."

Beau laughs, a hearty, bellowing sound that lasts until Frumpkin digs his claws into her thigh and she lets out an undignified yelp.

"I - yeah, I might have some idea," she says.

Caleb grins, just a little.

*

5- When they finally find Kiri's parents and leave her with them, Jester is the one it hits the hardest.

Nott is a little teary eyed as well, but she manages to talk through it. "It's almost like we're good people," she tells Caleb at some point, and he nods.

"She made it easy to be," he says.

Everyone is a little subdued, but it's most obvious with Jester. She's walking a little off to the side, not taking part in any of their conversations. When Fjord splits off to talk to her after a while, she sends him off with a shake of her head.

Maybe she wants to be alone. But maybe she wouldn't say no to some wordless comfort, Caleb thinks, and snaps Frumpkin into existence on top of Jester's head, nestled between her horns.

She gives a quiet yelp and sends him a startled look, but doesn't pry Frumpkin off, so Caleb leaves him there, playing with strands of her hair as they walk on. He makes sure his claws are drawn in.

When he feels a brief burst of satisfaction that isn't his own a few minutes later, he chances another look: Jester has reached her tail up above her head and is using it to scritch Frumpkin behind the ears. Frumpkin has closed his eyes and is dozing in the sunlight that filters in through the leaves of the trees they're walking beneath. She's still quiet, but she seems less sad.

By evening, the strange spell has worn off, and Jester is back to her old self: Talking excitedly, scribbling in her notebook, telling everyone who will listen about the great deed they have done by rescuing this child from a monster and reuniting her with her family.

Caleb realizes for the first time how much they need her to keep them sane and kind and happy, and Frumpkin carefully climbs off her head and onto her shoulder to press his face into her cheek. She sets down her tankard of milk to pet him, and then grabs him around the middle and hands him back. "Thank you for your cat, Caleb," she says, in the drawn out sing song voice she gets when she's trying to remember to be polite. "He was very cute and helped me a lot. But I also think he needs more flowers."

"I know, but I can't make them stick to him!" Nott butts in, "They just fall down when he goes poof. Do you know a spell for that?"

"Oooh, that would be a great spell. Let Frumpkin take flowers to the other realm!" Jester slams her fist on the table, startling Beau, who had been resting her head on it.

Caleb smiles. "If I come across one, I will teach it to you," he promises. Then, on a whim, he leans closer to Jester and lowers his voice to ask: "Are you okay?"

Jester gives him a startled smile. "Oh, I'm fine," she says cheerfully, "Just, you know, I have never made any friends before you guys, so it's hard to leave one behind."

Caleb has the sudden urge to hug her, and quells it by letting Frumpkin jump on the table and push into her hand again.

"Well, we'll stay together, so that's six friends you don't need to worry about losing," he tries.

Jester nods emphatically as she pats Frumpkin on the back a little too hard. "And we'll get those diamonds so I won't need to worry about losing you in other ways, too."

She scrunches up her face and headbutts Frumpkin before he can, and if Frumpkin steps on Jester's plate in the following playfight, it's not like anyone but Caleb sees it, so it can remain his secret.

"Yes", he says. Fjord, who is seated two chairs over, starts sneezing in earnest, so Caleb reluctantly disappears Frumpkin, making Jester almost faceplant into the table.

*

6-  When they reach Erdeloch, Caleb thinks it should make Fjord as happy as he gets: Caleb has never seen a body of water so big that it meets the horizon in the distance, and he thinks to himself that they probably won't get any closer to an actual ocean in their travels.

But Fjord is quiet and withdrawn even when Jester invites him to come swimming.

He gets in the water, but there's no joy in his practiced strokes.

Something is troubling him. From the way Molly is watching Fjord from the shore, Caleb thinks he probably sees it too, or knows more than he does. Maybe Fjord had another nightmare.

He summons Frumpkin, who eyes the water suspiciously, and pets him absently.

"Do you think he might be cheered up by a cuddly familiar?" Caleb asks Molly abruptly.

Molly raises an eyebrow. "Fjord is allergic," he reminds Caleb, and Caleb nods. "I know," he says. "But I still have enough incense."

Molly's other eyebrow joins the first. "Oh, that sounds like an incredible waste of resources. I love it."

Caleb knows he probably shouldn't take that as an encouragement, but he does: He gathers coal from their campfire and starts the ritual right then and there, on the shore of the lake, where they can all watch him - and they do, he's half aware of Nott's curious gaze and Jester's questions, of Molly's quiet answers from his other side. He's briefly swamped by a feeling he hasn't had in more than a decade: he feels at home, for the long minutes that his mind is occupied with the ritual just enough to not be thinking how much he doesn't deserve them, and the others in his peripheral, just enough not to crowd him.

Then it's over, his mind snaps back to alertness, and Frumpkin nuzzles his hand, otter-shaped. His fur is softer and more dense than Caleb is used to.

"What is that?" Molly asks, immediately fascinated.

"It's an otter. Pretty close to a cat, but they live in water," Caleb explains. Molly holds out a hand, and Frumpkin pushes his head into it just like he did as a cat. Molly gives a delighted bark of laughter. "Incredible," he says, smiling bright.

"He is pretty good," Caleb says, in a rare burst of pride. He doesn't feel exposed and lonely the way he did when Frumpkin was a sparrow, and this way he is not wary of the water the way Frumpkin-the-cat was. Caleb nods down at him and smiles. "Go bother Fjord," he instructs.

Frumpkin chirps at him and flits off, weirdly off-balance until he reaches the water, and then he's streamlined and as elegant as the cat was on land.

Fjord is diving when Frumpkin reaches him, so Frumpkin dives after him without hesitation.

Caleb looks away from the stilling surface of the water and catches Molly, Jester and Nott intently staring at the lake. After a second, Jester nudges him with an elbow. "Well, go spy on him! We want to know what's happening!"

Caleb looks to Molly. He doesn't know when Molly of all people became his moral compass, but here they are. Maybe it’s because he’s always sure, even if his moral rules only make sense to him.

"What are you waiting for? And tell us everything!" Molly makes a shooing motion as if to push Caleb into the water, and Caleb goes blind and deaf, with Jester and Molly habitually holding onto his elbows so he won't topple over.

Frumpkin has almost reached Fjord when he gets there, still on his way to the bottom of the lake, which is, as Caleb can see now, littered with little colorful pebbles that seem to emit a faint glow. Fjord grabs a handful of them, and Frumpkin does the same, taking one with little blue swirls on it and holding it carefully as sand muddies the water where they stirred it.

Fjord looks over to Frumpkin, and for a second, Caleb sees surprise on his face, melting into a genuine smile. He slowly holds out a hand as if trying to gain Frumpkin's trust. Frumpkin puts the stone he picked up into it, startling Fjord into a laugh that leaves his mouth in a few bubbles that rise towards the surface. Reminded of where he is, he quickly pushes off the ground and swims up, Frumpkin at his heels.

Caleb relates everything to the others as it happens, and feels Jester's hand tighten on his elbow in response.

Fjord reaches the surface and gulps in air, sputtering a bit.

"Hey!" he calls over to the two colorful globs Frumpkin can barely make out in the distance. "I found a friend!"

Frumpkin chitters and swims around him to clamber on his head.

"Well done, Fjord!" that's Jester's voice, drifting over from the shore.

"Say hi to Frumpkin!" comes Molly's shout, a second later. "Caleb made him this way specifically so you could stop sneezing!"

For a second, Fjord stiffens. He probably doesn't appreciate anything that even remotely resembles a prank, after the kind of childhood he seems to have had. Frumpkin jumps off his head and swims around him in a wide circle to gage his expression.

Fjord gives Frumpkin an appraising look, and then it eases into a grin.

"Thanks, Caleb," he says, quietly, and gives Frumpkin a pat. "'ppreciate that."

"You're welcome!" Caleb yells across the lake before he can talk himself into pretending he wasn't just spying on his friend, and he pulls back just in time to hear Jester cheer and Mollymauk give a big, hearty laugh.

After that, Frumpkin and Fjord set out to collect as many of the pebbles as they can for a delighted but decidedly dry Nott, and between the splashes and the low, encouraging voice Fjord uses to talk to Frumpkin, Caleb feels well and truly appreciated.

It has been a while since that feeling last wasn't associated with murder and obedience.

Caleb leans back on his elbows between the two tieflings and allows it to heal him the tiniest bit.

[imagineaworlds]

(1) brandewyn

summary: Thais Bolton lives in the OASIS. Well, sort of. Her dream is to one day live in the OASIS as Brandewyn with her best friend Wade. But he’s more concerned with the three keys James Halliday left behind after his death. The two of them embark on a familiar journey through the OASIS to save it from corporate assholes who want to take it away.

pairing: wade watts x female!oc

word count: 2,725

warnings: cursing. panic attack. ptsd.

(1) - (2) - (3) - (4)

My nose wrinkled back at the smells of 2045 Ohio. After all of this time, one would think I had gotten used to the rotten food, the spreading rust, and the chemical fumes surrounding me in every step; but, no. Every morning I still wished that I could smell fresh air for once, see the sun as it once was, and run in the grass. My parents would tell me stories of them chasing each other in the meadows, pushing each other on a swing roped to a large tree branch, and watching the clouds when they got tired. But then they moved here. Well, really everyone did. Ohio was the place to be once the OASIS opened.

All of my life I’ve lived in the OASIS. Every day was the same. I got out of bed, got dressed, and headed out for the day. When I walked out of the house, I noticed that Wade had already left, the rope tethered down to the first level. From the ground, he was waving at me, inviting me to join him. Like my parents, Wade and I had been friends since we were born. My parents knew Wade’s before they died, and they even offered to take him in, but his Aunt Alice wanted to look after him. Unlike my parents, however, we didn’t have some epic love story about love at first sight and growing up with your soulmate attached to the hip. Instead, Wade and I were just close friends. And I promised myself that I would never tell him that I wanted more.

I grabbed at the rope, and slowly lowered myself towards Wade. As I got closer, I could see his disheveled dark brown hair more clearly, and his index finger pressing the bridge of his glasses further up on his nose. Another thing we shared, our poor eyesight. Wade had these terribly small glasses with no frame, while I had big glasses with large white frames. He teased me about it, saying I looked like I was from the 70’s. Just a decade shy of what he considered to be the best decade of all time. Wade was obsessed with everything 80’s, and that was mostly to do with his obsession with Halliday. His fascination showed by his badly stained Star Wars: A New Hope white t-shirt. He tried to hide the embarrassing stains under a blue flannel, but I knew that shirt well enough. I had bought it for his birthday a few years ago.

As I tethered the rope, I listened to Wade dig the toe of his shoe into the dirt while he waited impatiently. I rolled my eyes at him. It wasn’t like he had to wait for me. He always chose to wait. I kicked his shin playfully before walking past him. Wade shook his ankle out as he hopped after me. “Morning to you, too, sour pants,” he joked. I responded with a fake laugh. “So, what’s your plan today?”

I looked at Wade, watching as his hands gripped onto his backpack straps to keep it high on his shoulders. In the OASIS you could do anything you wanted. Dancing, singing, racing, sports, shooter games, etc. You name it, Halliday created it. “I dunno,” I told him. “Probably join the race.” That was something I hardly ever did. I left that kind of stuff to Wade and Aech because they were always better at it than I was.

First time I ever raced, I nearly zero’d out; and if it weren’t for Wade, I would have. Thing was, I had just gotten past the dinosaur when an IOI car rammed into mine, sending me spinning into a brick wall. The car was totalled, and more IOI cars were approaching, I’d be hit again, and zero’d out. When I tried to jump out of the car, I found my legs stuck. I couldn’t move. My heart was racing in my chest, and I kept glancing over my shoulder to watch the cars getting closer. All I could do was keep trying to pull my legs out of the wreck, and scream for help. In the craziness of it all, I hadn’t even noticed that Wade turned around to come get me.

Too close for comfort, I would tell Wade every time he encouraged me to give it another try. So, I thought that I would never try the race again. But what else was I going to do to pass the time?

The rest of our walk was quiet— unusually quiet. But it was close to Wade’s parents’ anniversary, so I tried not to pry. When we got to the junkyard, Wade went to his bus, and I went to mine. Wade was first to discover the junkyard as a great place to hide out all day, so he got the bigger bus. Coincidentally, there were only two buses there, but they were on opposite sides of the pile of trashed cars.

I had only been in Wade’s bus a couple of times because he claimed that it was his “sacred place”. I didn’t blame him, though, for not wanting anyone to invade his privacy, I didn’t want that either. The few times I had been in there, iti was to help him look over some new information he found about Halliday. His entire bus was covered with news clippings, magazine covers, posters, pictures— everything Halliday.

We weren’t separated for long, of course. Once I was logged into the OASIS, I tracked down Z, who last logged off at the Halliday’s Journals. A friend of mine named Soyzie passed me, she was wearing her famous Rosalina from Mario Kart skin. Everyone on the track knew her because it was nearly impossible to get Rosaline, yet she did.

“Brandewyn!” she called after me, her blue dress flowing behind her.

I turned towards the tracks to look at her. Alright, I’ll be honest. No one played Mario Kart anymore… unless you were under the age of twelve. The two exceptions were myself and Soyzie. Both of us had a rough time at Halliday’s race, so we found comfort in the little kid’s sport which we dominated. “Hey, Soy,” I high fived her. She asked if I was staying for the next race, claiming that Black Power Ranger, as we knew him, was back. He was our only true competitor, but he loved to troll us. “No, I’m actually meeting up with a friend of mine. I’m gonna give Halliday’s race another shot.” Soyzie looked shocked. “I know, but someone has to get that key, right?”

Soyzie nodded, “Have fun,” she waved as racers dressed in Mario and Pokemon outfits lined up.

When I arrived at Halliday’s Journals, Z was waiting for me at the portal. “Wasn’t sure if you’d actually come.” I shrugged. “You’ll be fine. Just bail if something’s wrong.” Z put a hand on my shoulder, “Aech can fix a car, not a zero’d out player.”

As we jumped through the portal together, we found ourselves in the midst of complete chaos. Sixers were marching in their ordered lines, and there were few Gunters left, so they filled the other spots. At the front we found Aech standing proudly with his monster truck. It was infamous on the race track for squashing other cars underneath its large tires. For the most part, Aech only tried to get the Sixers, but there was always the one unfortunate noob who thought it would be smart to go under him.

Next to his large truck was an empty spot. Him and Z shared a handshake, “I saved a spot for you,” he said to his best friend. Then he looked to me, “Sorry, Brandy, didn’t know you were coming.”

“That’s alright, Aech, I’ll head to the back. Probably safer, anyhow.” Both boys nodded in agreement. As Z was about to set up his car in the free spot, he froze. “What is it?”

Z shook his head, “I have to go in the back. You can have this spot, Brandy.”

“Oh, man, really?” Aech laughed, “You have to steal gas coins from zero’d Sixers. That’s a new low, even for you.” Z hit Aech’s large arm.

Aech pretended to be hurt, whining like a baby, while I set up my car in the front spot. Quietly, Z walked away from us. I only had two cars, the one from my old racing days, and my Mario Kart bike. There’s only one rule amongst my friends at the Kart tracks, bikes only. Everyone knows that bikes are better than cars, only the little kids used karts. But that bike wouldn’t survive this track. That bike was used to dodging banana peels, not wrecking balls; and skidding along paved tracks, not normal streets. There was only one other option.

As the car set up, I thought about how Aech fixed it for me after the wreck. It was totalled, but with Aech’s mods and coins, he made do. The car was a GTA based maroon Jester sports car with the number 53 on the sides, and the number 8 on the hood. The 53 was obviously based on Herbie the love bug, but it also represents feeling free to do what you think is right even when the world is telling you no. That number is on the sides to remind me to stay grounded and level headed. The number 8 represents power, which is why it’s on the hood of the car.

I opened the car door, and jumped in. Every sound set my teeth on edge, the engines revving and the cheering from Gunters were just a few small examples. But the minute the light turned from red to yellow, nothing else was on my mind except getting to that finish line. No fucking this up. I thought to myself just before the light turned green and green fireworks shot into the sky. At the same time, everyone pressed on the gas pedal and we were off. Aech, having a heavy truck, started a bit slower, but sped up.

Off the bat, Sixer cars were crashing all over the place, and we weren’t even off the bridge. Old Gunter friends of mine were catching up to me. And soon I had to start weaving through the sea of Sixer and Gunter cars. I pushed my car as much as I could, eyeing the broken, twisted ramps ahead. Everything was moving fast— faster than I ever recalled. Against the wheel, my hands were shaking, and my palms were sweaty against the leather.

One by one, cars flew off the ramps; and some crashed, while others made it across. My grip tightened, and my foot pressed harder on the gas, and then I just prayed. For a fleeting moment, it was peaceful. I didn’t have to weave, curse other drivers who cut me off, or worry about any upcoming obstacle. I was free flying through the air, and then the car dropped back onto the track on the other side of the jump. I cheered loudly as I made a sharp left turn.

“Guys, are you seeing this?” Z asked myself and Aech. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but Aech did. He described a bike from Akira, a movie I had seen only about a thousand times. And then I realized who he was describing.

My eyes shot wide, “Art3mis is here?!” I exclaimed.

Aech scoffed, “No way is it her.”

“No, I have seen all of her Twitch streams, read all of her blog posts. It’s her.”

“Where are you guys, anyways?” I asked while driving under a bridge. Around the next corner would be the obstacles before where I crashed last time.

Z sounded like he was in a struggle as he spoke, “Just landed off the ramps. Where are you?”

I looked ahead. Swinging from the sky, seemingly attached to nothing, gigantic wrecking balls rained down upon us. To my right, a Gunter got scooped away by one, coins falling from where they once were. I didn’t think twice before collecting the coins. I looked around to see who my nearest competition was, thinking it would be a Sixer, but I saw no one. Just in case, I looked in the rear view mirror. Nothing. Over my shoulders. Nothing. What the hell? I thought to myself.

I jumped the construction sight small ramp with ease, and started to slow my speed. I didn’t mean to, it was just instinct. Ahead, there was China Town, where I crashed last time. If my heart wasn’t pounding hard enough in my chest from adrenaline, it was about to explode from anxiety. In my stomach, I felt a pit growing like I was about to puke. My breathing was short and wavering, and my eyes started to water. “I can’t to it…” I muttered as I bailed. Just before I reached the trigger for the T-Rex, I came to a halt, my brakes shaking under my shoot, and the tires tried to grab the ground as I skidded to a stop.

“What are you talking about?” Z asked worriedly.

A Sixer car zoomed past me, triggered the T-Rex who picked up the grey car and crushed it between its large teeth. “I can’t pass the dinosaur,” I said as more cars started passing me. It hadn’t even occurred to me that the Akira bike had passed me, and then the Back to the Future car passed me. My head hit the steering wheel, the siren sounded like a whisper compared to loud clamor of cars and roars from the T-Rex. “I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Z said, determination now ringing in his voice.

“I had to bail to,” Aech added angrily. Then his voice cheered, “Go! Go! You got it! Go, Z!” The way he was cheering, it sounded like Z was about to win, and I wasn’t even there.

Suddenly, it didn’t seem like I needed to worry about that. “Shit…” Z growled. “Art3mis isn’t going to make it,” he said. “King Kong will zero her out.” Quiet. “Bail!” he shouted at someone. “Bail!”

I put the car in reverse and started slowly heading back to the start where we would always meet up after bad races— and all of them were bad races. I waited for Z and Aech, sitting on the hood of my car, playing on my in-game Gameboy. In the real world you could never find old technology, it was really hard and expensive. But in the Oasis, I had three Gameboy’s, two of which were customs. It was weird to be playing a video game inside of a video game at first, but I got used to it, and it’s how I started passing the time.

More and more Gunters trudged back with low health and their damaged vehicles pocketed. Some were drinking healing potions and putting “bandages” on for more health. Others, who had nothing, slowly let their health come back. In the exodus, I saw Aech’s giant avatar next to two smaller avatars. I recognized one as Perzival, and the other as the Art3mis.

As the neared, I pocketed the Jester after dismounting it, and greeted the three of them with a smile. Z was glowing with excitement, and Aech was rolling his eyes at every other word. “Oh!” Z exclaimed, “This is my friend Brandewyn,” he said it like I was an afterthought before continuing on his nerd rant. I couldn’t blame him, though. Who could? He was meeting one of the greatest OASIS streamers, someone he aspired to be like.

I cleared my throat to grab their attention. “I’m headed out. But I wanted to give this to you, Aech.” I threw the miniature figure of my car at him.

He caught it and looked at me, bewildered. “The Jester?” he questioned with both excitement and disbelief. I nodded. “You’re giving me the Jester? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. My Copper Key Race days are over. I figured if anyone was going to take good care of it, it would be you, Aech. Treat her well or I’ll cut your balls off in the real world.” I laughed as I waved goodbye and took my OASIS visor off, Z saying something about wanting me to stay. I didn’t hear him.

[freakflagbyiana]

Why “David Bowie is god”

As my site turns one year old today, which is also David Bowie’s birthday, I thought I’d try to begin to explain the importance David Bowie has in my personal life and the effect he had, continues to have, on my career.

Childhood influence

My parents had fairly different musical tastes but the one major thing that overlapped was they were both David Bowie fans. My mom was also a Jim Henson fan so I grew up watching Labyrinth with her. I remember it was out of print for a long time and I was the only kid in the neighborhood with a copy that had been taped off of HBO. As a kid I remember being in love with Jareth’s hair itself, asking Mom if I could make my hair do that one day. She replied “Sweetie, that’s a wig, not his real hair” and it was the dream-shattering equivalent of learning that there was no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy all rolled up into one. As a goth teenager I really got into his freaky Ziggy era, finding the idea of being an alien heavily relatable. And when I discovered BowieNet when I was 17, to my surprise my parents agreed to pay my annual subscription... It was $70. I think most parents would be like “Your message board fanclub costs how much? HAH! No.” I won’t go into grave detail of my BowieNet life here, because I could write an entire book, but I’ll summarize it. It began in 1996, and behind the pay wall was lots of exclusive bonus content, access to concert presales and bnet-only events, exclusive chatroom Q&As, and a very active message board. This was before Twitter, before Instagram, before Myspace, definitely before Facebook. David Bowie basically created social media as the everyday form we recognize today. He didn’t post all the time but I would still consider him very active on the message board, for a busy top tier celebrity. His username was “sailor” although there were always whispers about his other secret accounts that he used for trolling. So he basically invented trolling, too. The community itself was close, there were always local meetups and many members would travel internationally to see their closest bnet friends, eventually including myself. I joined this community when I was still in high school and 17 years later I am still close to the friends I made back then. These people are my family, and they vary from all nations, all walks of life, all classes, all ages... The first time I met any of them was at my first ever Bowie concert and that itself was a bnet members-only show to launch the Reality tour, which was eventually known as his last tour. This pivotal moment in my life occurred on August 19th 2003 at the The Chance Theater in Poughkeepsie NY. It was a small general admission venue, arguably a dive compared to the arenas he would play on the rest of the Reality tour. I was 18 years old and was in the process of moving to Chicago for art school. It was surreal to be seeing my first Bowie concert in a GA venue, and yet I knew 80% of the audience. David Bowie himself knew 100% of the audience, and you can hear him speaking to specific people in the bootlegs. I knew more people in the audience than I knew in my high school of 60 kids. A bunch of us were waiting at the venue early enough to catch him coming out to say hello while they were doing soundcheck. I didn’t get anything signed because all the members he knew by name were up in the very front of the group, as it should be. But I could still observe him from afar. He was dressed simply in a crisp white tshirt and white jeans, so the bright summer sunshine gave him a literally radiant, angelic glow. I’ll never forget his slinky catlike walk, and I’ve since never witnessed a creature with more grace.

Lessons I learned from Him

Freakflag began when my last salon closed, suddenly, due to #Austinproblems. As a fantasy color specialist, what I do is so specialized that not many places are going to do it well. The most stable environment for it, on short notice, is a mini salon.  As a hairstylist, this makes sense.  As an artist, this was (still is) terrifying.  I have literally painted myself into a corner where I am my own microcosm, a terrarium of rare creatures emerging covered in sunset locks and lavender hairdust...  None of this would have been possible without David Bowie. I very sincerely celebrate him as a god of my profession. For I am a witch and my profession is transformation magic. In many ways it is the magic of one’s true form, their true Identity. For example, I have many transgender clients who visit me in the early stages of their personal transformation. Sometimes they know what they want but a lot of times they don’t. I accept this task with great reverence for the importance of what I’m being asked to do. If they are not completely comfortable with the hair I’ve given them, it’s more than “a bad haircut will grow out if you don’t like it” - it can shape their confidence and that shapes the way people treat them. David Bowie is the Patron Saint of No Labels & Don’t Tell Me What To Do. The Patron Saint of the Gender Fluid & the Non-Binary. His iconic Ziggy Stardust mullet is the perfect example as to why I don’t attribute gender to my haircuts. Tell me, is a Ziggy mullet a men’s haircut or a women’s haircut? The answer is Yes. He taught me you can walk around with no eyebrows, a pale skeletal alien, and still feel your oats. It doesn’t matter if people “get it” because you “get it.” And you are the only person that really needs to “get it.” This is the lesson of aesthetic integrity. He taught me the importance of artistic integrity. At times he was a starving artist that created beautiful, profound things that no one quite understood or appreciated. But eventually he had a period of being a sellout that pandered to the crowd; it made him so sick of China Girl that he didn’t play it live for years after. I think it’s the period after this, from the 90s onward, where he found his true creative power. He knew he could achieve either end of the spectrum and balanced on that line thereafter. Blackstar being his best achievement in this regard. He taught me you can find your truest love later in life. Many goths say they aspire to a love like Morticia & Gomez, but I aspire to a love like Iman & David. Theirs is a real life love story that endured, and it didn’t happen overnight, she made him work for it! This is the big one... He saved me from flirting with suicide. I could write a lot about this too but I won’t right now. Here are the broadest strokes: As a sensitive, emotionally neglected, eccentric teenager I listened to a lot of angry music; Punk, Goth, Industrial, etc. The summer of age 16 was a tough one, I had been kicked out of one parent’s house and the other one completely left me to my own devices... So when I began flirting with self harm, the only person that noticed and snapped me out of it was a close school friend whom I will always consider a brother. This was about the time I discovered Bowie’s glamorous Ziggy era and it was the first thing that showed me “Truth, Goodness & Beauty” in my darkest hour. He showed me that being a great artist took time to cultivate your skills and not only would suicide mean I was achieving nothing, but self harm was a weakness that would eventually fester and I had to nip it in the bud. Bowie’s brother suffered from schizophrenia and eventually committed suicide so many of his works touch on the theme of your own worst enemy coming from within. A lot of goth music discusses it too, warning against rather than encouraging, but no one can make something relatable quite like Bowie. (For the record, a lot of that angry music is still my favorite! It has its place in the world) A lot of rock stars drank and drugged their way into an early grave but David Bowie was the one that survived and still managed to stay artistically and culturally relevant in the end. This is the main reason I celebrate him as a role model and a god amongst men. If he survived the 70s, made a clear decision to sober up, and could maintain sobriety throughout the 80s, he could achieve anything.

“Just a mortal with the potential of a superman” David Bowie, Quicksand

How I celebrate Him

For the last four years, I’ve been a DJ at Elysium’s New Year’s Eve party, a Labyrinth-themed Goblin King’s ball. And for the last three, I’ve co-hosted as Jareth himself... which means I’ve achieved my childhood dream of wanting to be Jareth with that fabulous hair and bedazzled tailcoat! This prepares me perfectly for celebrating his life a week later. There are a few “Bowie Weekend” events here in town. Drinks Lounge always has a Bowie Birthday Bash and Elysium usually has an 80’s night tribute or some other event in his honor. Then on the day itself I will take the time to clean my Bowie Shrine and think about all the times he helped me get out of a bad place in my life. Here you can see Instagram highlights of my Bowie Shrine. A few months ago, I got to work on a truly special project that is still super secret. But I can say that it involved recreating a famous David Bowie image and it was a great honor to be asked to do the makeup and hairstyling for this. It took all day, longer than expected, and we got about 300 shots... This weekend we got together again to edit them and in the end only 3 shots were picked. I can only imagine the process for the original shoot! I thought I was just invited along to edit because I was a Bowie nerd that wanted to be there and was ridiculously stoked on this project. But I was grateful to witness us work together as group on this tribute in its entirety, the three of us are perfectionists and we all had high standards but we also had methods of editing our standards for the sake of being practical. Unlike the shoot itself, this time a lot of discussion was had on the different elements that composed the original image and all three of us paid great attention to those details in the recreation. None of us expect to profit from it, this was hours of work that we each volunteered out of love of the art form, and reverence for David Bowie himself. The role I played in this image is a minor one compared to the other two people involved, but I am so terribly proud of us. I think He would be, too. Since I can’t post that image, I will instead leave you with my Aladdin Sane selfie tribute from this weekend:

★

[fatetrollsblog]

Purqun Tiahin Introduction!

fHello everyone and welcome to another introduction! We haven’t posted in a while because we are very lazy, but now that school started I will be looking forward to write more, as some kind of reward for my hard work :P I know none of you are actually reading us, but if one day we get well known maybe you will see how bad we are. Anyway, today I’ll be presenting the biggest nerd but also the strongest girl of the session, our purple blood Purqun Tiahin! As always I’ll be presenting according to the following with just a little change:

Basic informations and life stuff

Personality

Miscellaneous content and stuff about sburb

1.Basic Informations and life stuff:

Starting off with the basics of basic informations, Purqun Tiahin is a purple blooded troll, and as her blood caste shows, she’s a tall girl with long black hair. But who cares about appareances? Artists most probably, but I’m divaguing. This time, Purqun doesn’t mean aything I know of, as it was an oc I got by adopting her. Only her sprite and a few facts about her, and here I went creating her! 

Unlike other purple bloods, she despises violence, and is always looking for a calm place to stay. Thankfully, her hive is everything she could have ever asked for, it being an incredibly large castle, with about a fourth of it being a library. Indeed, Purqun is the kind of person you see either with a book, a lack of sleep, or their legs hugged to their chest. Since her life has been surrounded with books her whole life she not only like reading and staying up at day (???) to finish a book, but she also lives in a world of Pure Imagination. She likes fantasy books the most, with a cute romance between the hero and the princess. But she was put in such a place for obscure reasons. 

When her lusus picked her, she was forced to go live in that castle with her new grub. Vulturemom (purqun’s lusus) tried to keep her grub away from the world she was fated for, which is being the official writer of the Purple Chronics, a 24 volumes series, each about a purple sign, counting the adventures and prowesses of the Clown Church’s followers. Through the sweeps, after her lusus gave up on keeping her away from her destiny, she writes 3 of them, her ancestors, Chahut’s and Gamzee’s. But before finishind all of them, in her 9th sweep, she gets into sburb and she’ll understand how stupid this whole thing was, though she might tell you about the purple chronicles if you ask about it! 

Purqun is Namurr’s matesprite, and she met her thanks to her moirail who will be presented next by mod ral! Her kismesis has also been presented, and it is Mutirr! Indeed, through the game, Mutirr discovered that her descendant was dating a purple blood, and because of her own matesprite, she got to dislike highbloods, and as she got to really like her descendant, she couldn’t help but hate Purqun for dating her, so they both agreed to get into a kismesissitude.

2. Personality

First, I’d like you to imagine your life, away from any other life forms out of cockroaches and your bird mom, in a large castle you can’t explore. Purqun grew mad at this situation and decided to explore it all when she was just a kid and ended up getting lost where she was forbidden to go to: the library. After a few days in there, and after her lusus found her again, she became very curious about all of this, and started reading. Thanks to all the fictions she has read, she  has become a very open and kind hearted person, as it is told in adventures novels or love stories. She is a huge fan of love fictions, and she herself likes to write some in her free time.

The said free time is pretty small. Indeed, after finally getting interested in her duty as the writer of the Purple Chronicles, she was forced to spend at least 16 hours a day in her library to learn about different writing styles to be the most efficient possible while writing the different volumes. This also created some parts of her personality, like the fact that she is open but can also be very rude if she’s being interrupted in her work. Because of that she became paranoid, and her mental state was detoriating with time. But one day, as she was already managing the library, as a lot of highbloods were interested in her collection, a teal blooded girl came to ask about some book, and from this day, she kept coming times to times, and the two girls kept in touch and at one point much later, they got into a matespriteship, and maybe you’ve got that the teal blooded girl is actually Namurr.

Actually, a few weeks before, Purqun met a bronzeblood, and became moirail with him, and he saw that she didn’t have enough time to have friends so he decided to send one of his friends there for her! What a great friend really, he is so cute. But thanks to those two people, she got new friends, and came back to her original self, the open and kind hearted self. 

However, through the years, Purqun was like any other purple blood, very hot tempered. Even if she is nice to the people coming to get some books, she despises rude people, or very noisy people. In those case she could also be rude, but most of the time she’ll go straight for the kick in the butt out of the building, but given that her feet are covered by iron boots, I don’t think it would just leave a few marks. But like some people, she could either break things or take a bath, it would make her feel much more relaxed and calm her down $, releasing her from all the pression that’s put on her shoulders. 

3. Miscellaneous content and stuff about sburb

In sburb, Purqun was of great help to the team, as she was probably the tankiest of all the 12 trolls, and the closed range fighter. With her notebook&pencilkind as her strife specibi, she can combine both of them for defense and offense respectively, as she can make the pen as long as she wants or as hard as she wants with a bit of crafting, which helps when her favorite way of fighting is through throwing both of her weapons really hard at people. When they all entered their mediums, she got in the game thanks to the Fushia blood of the team and got the rust blood in, the two that you will see soon probably. I

 never mentionned it here, but she’s our sylph of life, as she’s literally a story teller. In a basic way, sylphs can tell you about their aspect and heal through or the aspect in particular to others. As a sylph of life, she is able to “heal life”, which means she can revive anyone, make someone old young again, cool stuff like that. Her medium is the Land of Snowdrops and Crowns (LoSaC), and surprisngly enough, there’s literally no crowns visible at the surface of the planet, which is covered in snow. Her quest is to find a way to get all of those crowns out of the snow, by either makig them all come at the surface or make all of the snow melt, at the price of disrupting the cold ecosystem for the consorts. 

Her fetch modus is pretty annoying, but quite interesting in my opinion. To retrieve an item out of her inventory, she needs to tell a story about the said object without saying what it is, and the most related item to the story will be taken out. 

Her whole look is inspired of coats gentlefolks used to wear in europe (and probably in america idk), and since I don’t want to add more pics in there, look for Julian from the Arcana game, he wears something like that. She also wears very big boots, kind of looking like equius’ but more of a steel and kicking hard type. 

I think that’s it folks for today, I’ll try making more content from now on, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to repost and like of course :P see you soon, next time i’ll introduce a character it will be my olive blooded fortune teller! 

[thetradeway]

Session 38 27 Mar 2021: The Flesh Ripper - “We can salvage this!”

The world is a massive bollocking twat this week, so nobody is super happy. Luckily it’s D&D day! Ed reminds us that Melaina did 46 damage in one hit last week, making us all feel inferior. Foul noises are coming from roll20, worrying all of us. Maybe it’s a chest opening noise!

Joe suggests a different noise, one that sounds like a very large beast doing a cross between a belch and a roar, and this one kills Matthew’s sound card. Too much gain on the monster noises.

Matthew heard a news story about a baby shark getting swallowed whole by a crocodile. Tiktok is going to go nuts for that one, they love baby sharks. Ed says he heard about how sometimes baby sharks eat each other in the womb, and it’s the most metal thing he’s ever heard of. There’s a verse for the baby shark song. (We all conspicuously do not sing it, for the sake of Sophie who has never heard it.)

There’s some waffle about the clocks changing while we wait to see if Mina is joining us; she hasn’t been on the group chat today. I send her a message but it doesn’t seem to get delivered. We wait a few minutes to see if she’ll get back to us. Just as Joe gives me control of Kessler, she pops in. lol.

There are some Ever Given memes on the group chat, and then we get started. We are in the Flesh Ripper’s lair…

The arcane casters (except Melaina, who doesn’t have a high enough spell slot yet) all get the Woundbind spell, which they can add to their spell lists.

The doorway on the other side of the canal where we defeated the Black Puddings is blocked with carcasses and bones. Does it look like the flesh has been ripped off them?

DM: “Yeah.”

Ahleqs: “ohhhhh noooooo……”

Kessler rolls Investigation on the pile of... stuff and gets a 15. It’s made of bones and gristle and fat from all manner of creatures from rats to trolls or ogres. The limbs look torn off. (It’s a wookiee - we just need to make sure we let it win.) She can see it will take some strength to shift the bones if we want to get through that tunnel. The roar comes again; we see the back of Ahleqs’ head as he makes a break for it. We could go back and say it wasn’t in…?

We go around the other corner instead and Melaina is immediately attacked by something, finding herself suspended in… something, and her flesh begins to burn.

(Sophie, reading the description of the attack: “‘Engulf’. Bollocks. That sounds awful.”)

She makes a DEX save and escapes. It is a gelatinous cube, AKA, the Dungeon Roomba! (This would explain why the rest of the sewer is so immaculately clean.)

Tarragon Thunderwaves it but it makes the save. She backs up a little. Grease Wizard is up next. He moves closer. “Oh! That thing’s horrendous, look at it.” He throws some acid at it, believing it to be not very dexterous. He is correct - its save is -3, so that is a fail. (Ahleqs, seeing this, warms up a Fireball - forgetting about the gas pockets Shanks warned us about. DM says he can make a Perception check as a free action to see if he smells gas. He rolls a 13; he doesn’t smell anything flammable and is very pleased about this.)

Kessler is up. She is reluctant to punch it, in spite of the potential to make it wobble like a jelly. Ahleqs suggests eating her way out if that happens. She opts for the crossbow instead, and hits it for 5 points of piercing damage. She reloads and fires again for another hit and 10 damage this time. She makes a hide attempt as a bonus action, but she’ll be doing it at disadvantage because she’s trying to hide in nothing. (Cue the Bumblebee gif again.) She rolls two tens and is not hidden. She decides she IS hidden, because she has her hands in front of her eyes. “Close enough.”

Melaina moves and makes a hide attempt, as she is on the other side of the cube now. Nat 20 for a 30 total, she is now in the ethereal plane. She shoots with Sharpshooter, rolling a 21, for 21 plus 13 damage. It wobbles like dropped jelly, and cracks start to form.

Like a blancmange when it goes bad? Well, blancmanges are MADE bad, they don’t GO bad, but yes, like that.

Brother Carl can’t do much. Does he have any paperwork he needs to catch up on? He needs to safeguard both his hit points anyway. He rolls bad on his DEX check to get out of the water and can’t manage it, so he sits down in the water like a toddler having a tantrum in a paddling pool. Not having enough movement to stand back up, his turn is over.

Matthew: “Poor Carl!”

The Cube moves to engulf Ahleqs and Brother Carl - no wait, we’ve missed Ahleqs in the order. Okay, it’s his turn. The cube moves politely back to allow him to go.

The roar comes again and we all immediately panic. Is the ripper approaching?

Ahleqs makes a DEX check to get out of the water on the opposite side to the cube - the same side we found the pile of bones and limbs. He rolls a 21. He scampers up like a gazelle and administers two Eldritch Blasts to the Cube, in short order. “Zap!” A 12 and a 17 for 4 damage total. “Yeah, he better wobble!” Does he sense that it fears him? (Probably not.)

Brother Charity gets a go. Does anyone need any making less poorly?

Us: “You, maybe?”

He slams a potion, regaining 16HP. He holds a healing spell in case something awful happens.

DM: “Okay…. Wheeee!” Oh no. ‘Wheeeeee’ is never a good sound to hear coming from a Dungeon Master.

The cube zooms forward and engulfs Tarragon and Brother Carl, but we both make our DEX saves. It throws a pseudopod at Tarragon but whiffs badly with a nat 1.

Tarragon has had enough; she Rages and hits it with her quarterstaff for 11 damage.

We can see lots of splits in the cube now; it looks in a bad way. Like a chewed Haribo. A sad sight to see stuck to a window in town. Gideon is up - with a little manoeuvring he can throw a Thunderwave at it without hitting Carl or Tarragon. It seems to have a high CON score though so it will likely make its save again… He decides to do an Aganazzar’s Scorcher instead. He stretches out his hands and a big flaming line flies out of them like a flame thrower and burns the shit out of the cube, and Gideon chuckles to himself.

“Engulf this!”

It fails its DEX save and takes 11 fire damage. Woohoo! Does he want to move? No, Gideon is no coward, he’s a stalwart Dwarf dammit.

The small folk are putting the bigjobs to shame today. Kessler gets the how-de-do-dis with her Firebolt. Hey! The bolt penetrates the cube and blows it apart from inside “because I love that kinda shit.”

Melaina is up - wait, what? I thought we did-dis?

There will be a Reason, Duncan is sure. Melaina is AFK so Matthew shouts to the kitchen to ask Sophie what she wants to do. She is cooking ribs. She can’t see what’s going on so she moves forward to attack the cube, not knowing it’s dead. and Joe asks her to show him the path she took. Oh no…

She stumbles into another gelatinous cube. She can make her DEX save, and glides right out of it on the other side to do a backflip and taking no damage. She gives it a stabby with her rapier with a ten, which hits for 7 piercing damage. She yells to let the rest of us know what’s happening around the corner.

Carl stands up and makes another attempt to get out of the water. Really focusing now… a 7. If he goes up to the plank the DM will let him make a STR check to climb up the plank. He rolls a 17! Yeahhhhhh.

It’s the second cube’s turn. Melaina must repeat her DEX save - Matthew will click it for her. a 24!

Brother Carl still gets an attack, so he swings with his mace for a natty 20! Crit table says “Bonk on the noggin. Max damage and roll the damage dice again.” And the mace dissolves…? No, it’s fine. Phew.

DM goes to get more wine, but Ahleqs is up next after that. Would he like to do some spells and shit? He doesn’t want to waste any slots though… Flesh ripper and all…

He will Eldritch Blast again. Zap! Just a hit, with a 20 and a 21 for 13 damage total. Nice.

Charity: “Carl, be careful!” With that, can he scooch past Tarragon? Good luck, she’s raging and all elbows, and will probably do an opportunity attack on him. He slides down the side of the canal instead and goes around her. He clambers back up - well he tries, but rolls a 9 on his DEX check. He goes through all his spells. “That won’t work… Nor that…” He opts in the end for Eldritch Blast and 12 damage total, insisting that it’s ‘divine energy’. Hmmm.

Tarragon rushes forward, still in her red mist, and smacks it with her quarterstaff for 9 more damage; she would move back out of the way to let everyone else get in, but it doesn’t occur to her so she doesn’t.

Gideon does a Chill Touch: “Hyahhh! Ohhhh…” He hits with an 11 for 3 damage. “I’m helping!”

Kessler shoots another Firebolt. 25 to hit and 12 fire damage “to old Blobby.” Kill it with fire!

Melaina backs up and hides, and shoots. She is literally the only competent one among us. 15 hits and 29 damage. Howdy Doody! “It implodes on itself like a nasty custard.”

We beat the dungeon! Yay!

DM: “Nope - not even close.” Aw beans.

Melaina moves forward and finds a loot chest. Too excited to check for traps, she tears it open to find a carved ivory lion with gems for eyes.

Brother Charity scoots around, avoiding Tarragon’s eye line. She growls at him as he goes by, but no-one hears that.

Gideon finds another chest and tries to kick it open but it just rocks back and forth. It doesn’t seem locked upon inspection, so he flips it open to find a blue gem and a sheet of parchment (first level spell scroll). He rolls a D6; a 3. It is a sorcerer spell. He has a bunch of spells so he offers it to Ahleqs.

Gideon rolls a d20 - he gets a 9. It is a scroll of Feather Fall. “Ah! That’s useful!” If he copies it into his book instead of casting it from the scroll, he can learn it. He’ll stuff it into a pocket. He checks on his flumph; it is safe in its pocket-aquarium.

Does Ahleqs want to interact with the chest he’s found? He’s seen others do it; he will try to remember what Melaina does after she says “I’ll check for traps”. He rolls a 17 and doesn’t find any. He can’t find the macro to roll for treasure at first; he gets it together and opens the chest to find 140sp.

Have we looted this part of the dungeon already - oh shit there’s some kind of slurping, gurgling growl. Melaina runs back to hide behind the pillar. We might have to deal with them bones, the ones blocking that pathway... 

Brother Charity sweeps dramatically down the stairs toward Tarragon and attempts an ode - Matthew plays the worst audio I’ve ever heard. It’s a very badly sung song, ending with a marriage proposal.

Tarragon: “Does 23 hit you?”

Charity: “23 hits the fuck out of me.” She does 9 bludgeoning damage with her quarterstaff.

DM: “So you were actually singing that?” Ohhhhh nooooo. This is DM speak for ‘good luck fuckers, the Flesh Ripper heard you.’

We all immediately shit ourselves, but nothing happens straight away. We are all still digging in the bones. Kessler moves forward to Goblin Smash the pile; not the most stealthy tactic. We persuade her to wait a moment before going ham on the bones.

Melaina thinks she could squeeze through the little gap at the top. She and Tarragon make Stealth and Dex checks while Brother Carl helps Brother Charity up; Charity takes a health potion.

Melaina can’t quite get through the hole, but Tarragon scrambles up and through it - not quietly, however.

She finds the Flesh Ripper.

Tarragon presses herself into the wall on the other side - she makes a stealth check with Guidance and manages to keep out of its sight. (Notes are a little spotty from here as I am panicking.)

Tarragon makes a Minor Illusion of the thing on the other side of the pile of bones so the others can see it.

Ed: “Put that away! Put that back in the monster deck!”

Ahleqs casts Mage Hand to cover his eyes, only then realising that its translucent.

Can we fit the armoured goblin through the gnome hole?

Charity asks if he can cast a proprietary spell; Gideon wants to know how many musical numbers are involved. None, his solar plexus has learned his lesson.

He scrambles up and tries to follow his true love through the hole. He’s doing great stealth, but his DEX isn’t going so well so he is struggling to scramble through. He manages eventually, and joins Tarragon on the other side.

Tarragon whisper-apologises for hitting him but says she doesn’t want to marry him. He presses his finger to his own lips, and then to hers; she bites him. He rolls CON to keep from yelping with pain but fails, and we roll initiative.

FUCKkkkkkkkckKKKKCKKkk!

Joe mutes his microphone so he can laugh, and the Flesh Ripper descends upon Charity and Tarragon.

It does something called Whirlwind of Claws which forces a DC19 DEX save. (DC! 19!!!) Tarragon and Charity both fail and take 44 - that’s FORTY FOUR - points of damage. The attack pushes the rest of the bones out of the tunnel, letting the others in behind us thankfully. Charity also does some cold damage to the thing when it hits him.

They all roll initiative and join us.

Joe: I will say one word to you before we start: Primara. (The unicorn!)

Gideon goes first and busts out the big guns. He can cast Fireball at the thing’s head and miss us, because it’s so huge. He also thinks the stonework will take a blast, so he goes for it. It fails its DEX save, ha HA! That means that it takes 27 fire damage and anything flammable in the area also bursts into flame. “Take that, you big monstrosity - die!”

Can it see those of us on the other side of the little tunnel? Yes, because it’s crouching down and looking for us.

Ahleqs also does a Fireball.

Tarragon, panicked, Rages and goes Brown bear.

Melaina shoots with her bow, with a 22 which hits. She does 28 damage. How de do dis??? Please??? She moves back into the water.

Kessler runs at the thing and smashes it with her Thunder Gauntlets. Dirty 20 to hit, for 11 Thunder damage. She uses Fury of the Small to do another 6 damage on top, and goes for another punch. 22 to hit, and ten more Thunder damage. Good opening salvo. As she’s using Guardian armour, she can force disadvantage on the Flesh Ripper if it attacks anyone other than her for the next round. Noice.

Brother Carl is up. He prepares himself for another round of combat in a water trough, as Matthew forgot about him. He makes a DEX check to climb up the side and rolls an 8 which is a failure. He uses the rest of his movement to stand up and look sheepish.

Brother Charity, and the Flesh Ripper is on deck. “I think we may have got off on the wrong foot here…” he casts Magical Glove, aka Shillehglghlbhgllehhlahh. 23 hits, and he does 12 bludgeoning and 2 fire damage. Fire damage? Huh.

The flesh ripper makes a multi attack which gives it FIVE ATTACKS. It misses Kessler with its bite and goes for a slash with its claws, so she reaction-shields. It claws again and misses, and goes for another which also misses.

It does Whirlwind of Claws again. Charity and Kessler go down, and Tarragon is almost re-gnomed.

Gideon calls us back, hoping that those of us still up can hear him. He then does a Ray of Enfeeblement on the Flesh Ripper. He misses. “BALLLLLLLS!”

Kessler, raising her unconscious head for a moment for a spot of sass: “I really dislike that dwarf.”

Gideon: “At least I’ll be alive next round.”

(Savage. lol.)

Ahleqs calls Primara, who rolls initiative to join us.

That was his bonus action. He apologises to Primara for getting her killed, then does another fireball. It makes its save and Ahleqs rolls low on the damage, so it only takes 8 fire. Ahleqs, to himself: “Do I run away?”

Primara moves forward to do a Healing Touch on Brother Charity, who regains consciousness and 11HP. He assumes it was something he did. She then casts Shimmering Shield on Tarragon, which gives her a +2 bonus to her AC.

Bear-Tarragon makes a multi attack and hits twice; the thing is starting to look ‘mildly wounded’. She’ll take it.

Melaina tries Hideous Laughter. “Bazinga.” It fails its save, yay! It falls prone, and incapacitated. We have a choice here - we can cut and run or marmalise it. She rolls to see which way it falls - it collapses on bear-Tarragon, who is trapped underneath it and takes 9 damage.

Kessler makes a death save and rolls a 7 - a fail.

Brother Carl tries to get out of the stuff again. (Maybe he and Popcorn should babysit each other.) He rolls a 4.

Brother Charity is up next. He takes a risk and uses a bonus action to use his healer’s kit. He has to roll 13 or more - and gets a 24. (He injects himself with adrenaline. “I’M ALIVE!!!!”) He Cure Woundses the living shit out of Kessler with a fourteen and shlblgheghldsdllghhs the Flesh Ripper with a Nat 20! Stunning blow - Max damage and the target must make a DC14 Con save or be stunned. (If this fails, it’s back on its feet as it has saved from the Hideous Laughter now.) He lucks out - the Ripper rolls a 7 and is stunned!

It misses its turn as it’s stunned. (It automatically fails saving throws now.) Boom for big fireball damage from Gideon - but no, it only takes 21 fire damage.

Ahleqs is up. “Okay. Um. Do I have to climb out?” (of the bone rubble). Yes, a DC10 DEX check to get out. “It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, check this out. Yay! Just enough.” He rolls an 11. He stands behind Charity and casts Burning Hands at level 2 for 14 fire damage. It looks a bit bloodied. Huh. Ahleqs gets a nosebleed and takes a few steps back.

Primara is up next. She comes up to Tarragon and does a Healing Touch to give her 11 HP back, and then Shimmering Shield again, and darts back out of range. Me, OOC: “Thank you, I say in Bear.”

Bear-Tarragon does another multi-attack - one hits the other misses, doing ten damage total.

Melaina takes aim with her bow, with encouragement from Goose. 28 damage! (Sophie, OOC: “That’s actually pretty disappointing damage.”)

Kessler is next. She gets up and clicks her neck. She goes right for the groin with her Thunder Gauntlets, 18 to hit and 6 Thunder damage. The second below the belt shot is only a ten so it misses. She dodges around it and disengages as her bonus action.

What does Brother Carl want to do? Splash around in the water? Play with a rubber duck? He decides to try the plank to help himself get out and rolls an 8 STR check. He punches the wall. DM is feeling charitable; he can make a DEX check as well if he likes. Nat 20! He basically levitates out of the water. Ahleqs holds up a little placard with ‘9.5’ on it.

Brother Charity is up. “Ohhhhh balls.” He sighs and does shillebblhlghsfflgjhheh. “Twelvesies?” That’s a miss. “I gently pat him on the shin.” Bonus action - healing potion. Wise. He regains 5HP.

It does the whirlwind again - Tarragon is gnomed and knocked out, and Charity also goes down. The flesh ripper crawls over him to get to the others.

It then hits Brother Carl with a 30 and a 19 - 49 slashing damage total. He goes down, no duh.

Gideon is next, and he casts Haste on Melaina. More speed, AC, DEX and attacks. Woo! He’s basically turned her into a superhero.

Kessler: “Or a super villain.”

Melaina hurriedly: “Shut up…”

Ahleqs is up. He doesn’t need to be in melee with it so that Melaina gets advantage, right? Cool, then he will cast Misty Step and not needlessly throw his life away. For his action he can do a cantrip, so he does Eldritch Blast and uses ToC. “Is that a good idea…?”

Chorus of “Do it do it do it.” Big money, no whammies. Two hits! 7 damage, plus 3. ten total, and he rolls on the old chart. 51: A spectral shield hovers near him for the next minute, granting him +2 to AC and immunity to Magic Missile attacks. He’s protected from Kessler if she goes more rogue than usual, sweet.

Primara moves forward to gently nuzzle Tarragon and brings her back with 11HP. She gives her a quizzical look, and says “teleport?” in her head in Elvish. Tarragon is good in here, but thanks. She politely declines and prepares to do some more battering.

She casts Greater Shilldhbbblhlshggewehh, and hits with a 21 for just 9 damage. “What? This spell is BALLS!” (In addition to the ‘DM win’ button, Joe apparently has an ‘offer false hope’ button.)

Melaina rolls to hide with a 23. “Hidden?” Yes. She shoots twice; thanks Ed. She misses twice. “Sorry, Gideon, I’m wasting my gift.”

Kessler is going to - let’s see… Magic Missile…? Would need to cast it at level 2… That would be four darts… (Ahleqs from the back, sounding pleased: “I’m immune to that.”) No, she thinks her crossbow will do more damage, so she takes aim once at each head. the first misses, as does the second. Bonus action she drinks a GHP.

(Matthew OOC: “Can I just point out that Magic Missile would have hit four times.”)

Brother Carl makes a death save, and passes with a 14. Charity rolls a death save and passes. He gets HP back… It’s a thing he can do. Hmmm.

He is still under the flesh ripper though. He casts Vampiric Touch on it. Can’t miss, as his face is pressed against its undercarriage. Can he have ADV on the roll? Yeah, okay. Oh, apparently he can miss. 

Tarragon and Kessler see, to our horror, the wounds on the hide of the thing start to knit back together.

Tarragon: “Ah, fuck.”

Kessler: “That ain’t right.”

It turns around and does the whirlwind thing again; Tarragon goes down. It crawls over her and attempts to eat Primara. It attacks with a 22 and does 14 slashing damage, then attacks again with a 30 for 19 damage. Then attacks AGAIN with a 22. Then it bites her with a 23 and does 10 piercing and 2 poison damage.

Primara casts Heal Self - phew! Then she teleports herself and Tarragon out of there. Gideon’s turn.

He can see the flesh ripper’s weird grey bits, so he has line of sight. He doesn’t have an awful lot of time for this creature so he burns it again, hoping that the burning prevents the regeneration. DEX save! He is running out of spell slots though. It rolls a 19 - “Ah, that bitch!” It’s still engulfed in flame though. He might have a scroll here somewhere… He has invincib - no, invisibility. (Invincibility would be pretty fuckin’ useful.)

Gideon may cut and run, it depends how the rest of this goes. For the time being, he will hang around. How generous. “Use fire!” he directs us all.  

Ahleqs spends some time calculating distance before casting Eldritch Blast with ToC. He rolls a dirty 20 and a 17 for 8 total Force damage. “That’s a small number!” Creatures have Disadvantage on saves versus his next spell for a minute. That’s good.

Now comes the sad moment where we see the unicorn removed from the turn order, probably. She has a legendary action and uses it to heal herself. So not dead just yet, but she can’t do much else this turn.

Tarragon passes a death save. “Yeah. Winning at life.”

Melaina has been watching the ripper with her beady little peepers. (Ed returns from somewhere. “Is it dead? Did we win?”) Can she hide, on the basis that she can see it but it can’t see her? Yes, so she rolls a 27. She is hidden! She shoots with a 21 for 27 damage, and takes her second attack. She risks using Sharpshooter again, but misses. She has extra movement from the Haste spell, so she uses it to step over Brother Carl’s body and move a little further away from the Flesh Ripper. 

Kessler rolls a death save - an 18.

Brother Carl rolls a death save - a 2, so a fail.

Charity rolls a death save - a 5, so another fail.

The Flesh Ripper takes a turn, and uses it to do whirlwind of claws against Ahleqs and Gideon. Even if he passes, Ahleqs is going down. Oh, also Melaina gets to roll versus this attack as well, Joe says. Gideon, predictably, fails the save. Less predictably, he is still up after the attack. Melaina makes the save so she only takes 22 damage. Only! No wait - she has Evasion. No wait, no she doesn’t, we’re only level 6. She has Uncanny Dodge though, so she takes quarter damage, so 11. “No thank you! Not today!”

It’s still got four attacks. Aw, fuck.

It bites Gideon. “That modifier is monstrous, I hate it.” He goes down. “I should have run away, no!!! Oh, what a horrible place to die!”

Melaina is the last one standing.We could legitimately be looking at a TPK, here...

At least our bones will all lay together.

The only thing Primara can do is resurrect us if we die, and she can only do that once; she darts away and tries to hide so she can emerge and save us if we actually die.

Gideon rolls a death save (ten - pass), as does Ahleqs (also a ten). Then Tarragon (18).

Wait - Gideon’s Haste spell in Concentration. When he goes down it drops. Ed, reading the spell description for the first time - “oh no! Oh fuck! Ohhhh…” In his defence, he wasn’t expecting to get mullered in one round.

Melaina can’t move on her turn now, or take actions until her next turn because the Haste has dropped. Can she go limp and slide into the water like an octopus? The DM - very generously - lets her take a bonus action to hide. “I can feel a natural 1 coming on…” She rolls a 14 total - the thing’s Passive Perception is 12, so she is hidden. Skin of our knickers.

Kessler makes her next death save with a 17. The Brothers also make saves; Carl rolls an 8 and Charity a 19. Ahleqs rolls a death save and gets a 9 - a fail.

Ed, OOC: “We can salvage this!”

Primara has a go at Entangling the flesh ripper; she thinks it’s probably pointless to try, but it rolls a 13 to save versus the spell and is entangled! Yay!

Tarragon fails her next death save. Melaina is up. Can she get past it? She can dash as a bonus action… She shoots at it while hidden first, using her ‘everything-I’ve-got’ button. 18 hits, but she only gets 27 damage. DM tells us not to run - we are SO CLOSE to killing it. Melaina runs to join Primara, whose space she can share because the unicorn is Tiny.

Kessler makes her death save and stabilises. Brother Carl rolls a nat 1 - and dies.

Fuck.

Brother Charity rolls a success on his save with an 11. The Flesh Ripper tries to break free of the Entangle - and fails! Yay! It regenerates some HP though.

Gideon makes a death save - and gets a 19. He’s closer to being alive than dead - but in a death save sense, not a general sense. Ahleqs rolls a ten - another success.

Ed realises he missed a death save, and rolls it now - he succeeds, and Gideon stabilises. Yay! That was a good decision.

Primara is up. Joe checks some spells… She can’t do anything to help so she stays put. Tarragon fails a death save. (Next turn, either way...) 

Melaina sneaks to the door and hides, and shoots - but misses with a ten. She recedes back like a turtle into her cave.

Kessler stabilises.

Brother Carl is dead, so Brother Charity rolls a save and he stabilises too. Phew.

Flesh Ripper goes next, and tries to break free but is still Entangled! Here’s our Hail Mary.

Ahleqs rolls another death save - and succeeds, stabilising. “In a number of hours, I can crawl my horrid carcass…”

Tarragon fails her last death save - and dies.

Fuck.

Melaina rolls a 13 to hide. She shoots with an 18 and hits, for 28 damage - how-de-do-dis!

The arrow goes into one of its’ horrible heads, which looks at the other head and goes “what the fuck!” And it dies. Joe plays some horrible audio. Final Fantasy Fanfare!

Primara comes out and says she has the power to bring one of us back - but only one. They have to choose - Brother Carl, or Tarragon.

Gideon thinks it’s not a hard choice. Melaina doesn’t want to say it too quickly.

They wait an hour while Primara goes about raising Tarragon from the dead, by casting the spell Raise Dead. Some of the others regain consciousness over the course of the hour. There are no more monsters around, so we can take a rest if we want.

We very much do want.

On the plus side, we can level up - yay!

[sconeboi]

don’t slip away

part 1

part 2

part 3

AU where Simon went to go looking for Baz and found him with the numpties, only to get captured and thrown into the coffin with him

(the fluffiest fluff comes in parts 2 & 3)

part 1 length: 0.8k

type: angst & fluff

warnings: mention of blood and death

BAZ

And as I feel myself slipping away, I hold on to the one thing I’m always sure of.

Blue eyes.

Bronze curls.

The fact that Simon Snow is the most powerful magician alive. That nothing can hurt him, not even me.

That Simon Snow is alive.

And I’m hopelessly in love with—

All of a sudden a small (but large enough to wake me) amount of light streams through the coffin, and I look up to see the lid rising completely off.

Fiona. Please let it be Fiona.

Instead another body is thrown in forcefully, right on top of me. A numpty grunts and slams the lid back on.

The body on top of me yelps, an all too familiar sound I know.

“IS THIS A DEAD BODY, YOU FUCKING TROLLS—” He puts his hand on my forehead and feels the coldness resonate. “AHHH, FUCK, IT IS!”

“Snow, it’s me.”

Simon Snow screams again and thrusts his head onto the lid of the coffin, immediately falling back down and groaning, rubbing the back of his head.

“BAZ!” he yells suddenly as rolls off of me, crashing into the side of the coffin.

“Here, let me scoot over…” I say calmly.

“Holy fuck, Baz. I thought you were a—”

“Yes, I know, I was right there.”

Snow settles in right beside me so that we’re pressed together both on our backs, shoulder to shoulder.

I can’t see his blue eyes or his bronze curls. It’s pitch black, so much so that even with my night-vision it’s hard to see his outline.

“Why are you here?” I ask tiredly. It seems to come out snarly, and I regret opening my mouth almost instantly.

“I was…” Snow begins, stuttering a bit. “I was looking for you. I was worried you were…involved in a scheme or something. So the Mage let me leave Watford since he didn’t think it was safe, and instead of catching a bus to the safe-house he found for me, I started searching.”

I snort. “Well, surprise. I’m not plotting, I’m kidnapped. By fucking numpties.” I pause. “How did you even find me?”

“Penny enchanted your pillowcase with Finder’s keepers and it lead me straight here. But then the numpties grabbed me and before I could get out my sword they poured something they called ‘humpty dumpty juice’ down my throat. Now it feels like the Humdrum is…like…inside me.”

I smirked. “They did the same to me. Even if I tried to do wandless magic, I can’t even light the match.”

“Light…the match?” Snow repeated, confused.

“It’s how I draw up my magic. I think about lighting a match. I’ve told you this before, you bloke,” I tell him.

“Oh. Right.”

After about a minute, Snow lifts his feet up and pushes them onto the coffin lid. He keeps pushing and kicking until I finally reach over and put my hand over his chest to stop him.

“It’s not going to work. They put big stones on the top to keep us in.”

“Well, can’t I at least try?”

I sigh and take my hand off his chest. “You’re powerless now, Snow. Human strength isn’t going to do anything.”

We both go silent. After a little while Snow finally says something.

“So, you’ve been here, like, the whole time?”

I nod, but then realize he can’t even see me.

“Yes.”

A slight “Merlin” slips out of Snow’s mouth in a whisper. “How do they even…you know…feed you?”

“I’m brought water and animals.” Fuck. That might give me away. “Y-you know, for…food…eating.”

“You’re forced to eat dead animals?” Snow exclaims.

“Crowley, Snow, with that amount of surprise I’d say you’re vegan.”

“I’m not. You’ve literally seen me eat roast beef. Besides, you probably need the blood anyway.” He notices my silence. “You know, with all of the vampire stuff.”

“Do you honest to god still believe that? The assumption you’ve had since you were 12?”

“Wholeheartedly. Just need you to suck the blood out of a rat in here for my theory to be true. Penny says vampires can’t go over a week without sucking blood or they wither away.”

I think about telling him right then and there. What’s he going to do? It’s our last (optional) year at Watford, and the worst thing that would happen would be expulsion. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Mage already knows secretly, anyways.

But then again, after I told him, there would be absolutely zero chance of Simon Snow ever loving a monster. And a monster with the Pitch family name. I could have .01% where I stand now.

I guess that’s an issue for tomorrow, when I’ll probably need to feed.

I thought I wasn’t going to last until then. I thought today was my last day. I could finally just…just slip away. Practically no one would care if I was gone.

But then Simon bloody Snow had to come along to give me hope.

Continue on part 2 here

[clubpenguinkiller]

all my copypastas up to date

Copypastas You don’t have to be a parent to understand the horror of walking into a room to discover that the baby crawled out of his crib and onto that pottery wheel you forgot to turn off. And while the baby is spinning around and around, the dog is sitting there all calm, like a person, gently using his paws to fashion the baby’s soft cartilage head into something a little more modern. It might be the classic tale of bad parenting, but let’s see where the dog is going with this. somebody once trolled me, successfully rickroll’d me im not the sharpest n00b in the thread… just took another one of my signature “dust baths” it’s like a regular bath only i roll around in a bunch of dust and sand and start screaming when it gets in my mouth and eyes. anyway don’t trust the government Oh, purple-moustached clever Waluigi. Thou art such a genius when it is thy time to attack Mario and Luigi! How thou attach springs to thy shoes, know I not! Why dost thou not have thy own video fame? Art thou enraged that thou dost not have one? Why dost thou fight the Mario brothers? Thou art negative and wicked when shooting fireballs at thy green plumber, thy foe! Why art thou always cranky? Art thy purple knickers in a knot? Perchance Alvin Earthworm annoyed thou with his Youtube video. Why art thou so tall and slim? Perchance a Power Flower fell in you mouth when thou wast a baby. Why dost thou wear a purple suit? I like thy violet outfit for its unique hue. Shouldst thy brother Wario and thou fight so repeatedly? Is Bowser the Dragon-turtle you fiendish companion? I dost wonder what it wouldst be like to be friends with Bowser and thou. Dost thou own the Vicious Petey Piranha Flower? Dost thou like the kind Princess Peach? If thou couldst own a Yoshi wouldst thou? Thou art so sly and crafty our slippery Waluigi. Dost thou fight Geno the Explorer dangerously? Why art thou not in Super Smash Bros Brawl? Perchance thou art sad for being excluded from that rough game. Why art thou so nimble when thou escape the police? Thy symbol is an upside down L. Oh, thou art sneaky, secretive and tricky, mine own Waluigi! Ohhh my god. Ohhh ,y god. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh THERE IT IS THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. OH MY GOD. EAYEAYEYAYEAHEYAHEY EYAEAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAS. I FOOUND IT. I FOUND IT. I FOUND IT. I FOUND IT. YEAH. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I FOUNDI IT FINALLY!!!!! YEAH!!!!! OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD I FINALLY FOUND IT. OH MY GODO. HOH MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. TAKE A LOOK AT HTIS EVERBODY. A LIVE SHINY PONYTA IN MY LEAF GREEN VERSION. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I FINALLY GOT IT. OH MY GOD my heart is beating 100 miles per hour. i was listening to my favorite band once again. Sum 41. No Reason. Live in Ontario 2005. after 25968 encounters I HAVE FINALLY GOT IT OH My god corre al gol, lo va a patear yyyy GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOoOoOoOoOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL!!!!!……QUE GOLAZOOOOO!!!! *churns butter very quickly I hope my last words are "see you in hell" spoken to my grandchildren at age 99 right before I cut out my tongue and live another 401 years 私は究極のミームだ I love everything about you Boy, do I love chicken strips. Sometimes, when I’m home alone, I’ll take some chicken strips fresh out of the oven and rub them in my scalp. It doesn’t do much for my hair health, but I like the way they feel running through my strands of hair. The flakey coating, smooth white meat, and warmth. Yum. stuffing your face as usual. I gotta have a good meal Garfield, you fat cat. You are so big and fat. Why are you so fat? I eat, Jon. it’s what I do it’s time to kick odie of the table dont do it garfielf, that’s our pet dog odie you’re going into orbit, you stupid mutt GAAAAARRRFIIIELD!!! time for a nap. I’m a cat who loves to snooze (echoing) garfield you lazy cat I hate alram clocks I’m am hungry I want some lasaga you’re eating us out of house and home, GARMFIELD enough with The Chit Chat let’s get some grub going GRUB TIME… where Are the 3-cheese pizzas I ate those food where Are the tacos shells ? I ate those food where did all the hamburger helper go *brup* You’re such a bad kitty that’s it I’ve had it with you that does it I’m done that’s the last straw grarfileld Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow [Chorus:] Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait 'til you get older But the media men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. [Chorus 2x] Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas I need to get myself away from this place I said yep what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow. [Chorus] And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uU_eaXsPxOY "You'll never stop me!" I shout, running away. My body transforms into a small bee, and as I fly off, I turn around and shout, "You can't stop me! No one can stop me!!" I hit a glass door and fall to the floor. As I lay there, withering in pain as my small bee body dies a slow death, I whisper, "But I never said nothing could stop me." My body looses all movement as my lifeless corpse lays on the cold floor. A single tear runs down your cheek as you whisper, "Godspeed, honey man." HAPPY fourth of July! Hello! My name is Jeremy Frederick Wilson, but you can just call me… Bombittyboo! I know, yet again, I have not been dedicating, enough time to my vlog. However, today, I’ve created a new interpretive dance and poem routine! I hope this is the climax, the outcome, of all my creative juices, since my last interpretive dancing vide which was from over a year ago. Well anyway, this poem is in the format of an english sonet. I hope you really like it, and I hope you like it as much as me. Again, HAPPY fourth of July! I hope you all celebrate it carefully, and wisely! Well, here goes nothing! I hope you enjoy it! Oh so, so many years before today, our founding fathers with their many signatures, sculpted the greatest nation, as some say, one that too this day, still grows, and matures. This, our home. This, our country that we love. That we still celebrate, July fourth. The men who made us completely free of… British tyranny. Which reined south and north. Free from this! We join together in bliss. To honor all those, who came before us. But we do not just sit and reminisce. We look to the future, as we discuss. The bright prospects of our nation so dear. Which much proceed with strength, and lacking fear. Hey guys its Sam hi here with more tips for your everyday life, helping you out, bringing you wisdom. Hey im 27 I’ve been there I’ve done that I’ve been around the block. This next tip has to do with relationships. Love, romance, whatever you wanna call it. I’m gonna give you a surefire way to get her, your special someone, wrapped around your little finger. I mean they’re gonna be just.. Ooohh thinking about you all day. Here’s how you do it. You have to awaken the motherly instinct. You have to get your sweetie, your sweetie pie, to awaken her biological, uh, genetic motherly instinct. and it’s very easy to do. I’m gonna show you how to do it. Kay? You ready? Here we go. (gets on hands and knees) Mommy! Mommy! (smacking lips)Baby Sammy want milk! (slurping) Gimme milky! Mommy! Mooommy! Mommy mommy!! Mom! Mommy! Mommy Sammy want milk! (slurping) Baby Sammy hungry! Baby Sammy Hungry!! I want milk!! WAAAAAAH!! Gimme milky! Gimme milky! Gimme milk! Wah wah wah!! Baby want milky! Here comes the baby! Baby Sammy hungry! (crawling) Baby Sammy want milky! (approaching) Gimme milky!! Gimmy milk! Here I come! I want milk!! GIMME TIT MILK! GIMME TIT MILK!! BABY SAMMY WANT TIT MILK!! BABY SAMMY WANT TIT MILK!!! BABY SAMMY WANT TIT MILK NOW! GIMME THE TIT MILK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯ I came here to have a good time but I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now. It’s a metaphor, see? You crave that mineral, but you don’t give it the power to have an extra hour with the ball pit. Oh sad frog, if only there was someone out there who loved you, but my anaconda don’t noot noot unless you talk dirty to me and make me squart across the room. Even if the girl kissed the boy, your fave is problematic – John Green is the zodiac killer, Luigi is giving the death stare, and it’s actually blood orange. Free him! Not all starter kits are for stealing her look, but sometimes you have to eat Lay’s chips during peach time and submerge unnecessary color palettes in bluespace, covering them in text posts for the aesthetic. I told my bae to come over because my parents aren’t home, but girls don’t like boys, they like the selfie olympics. the way they just [clenches fist] olympic all those selfies. According to the science side, “The average skeleton fights in war for 31 days” very factoid, much statistical error. The average skeleton fights in war for 0 days. Skeleton Georg, who uses tumblr pro, wears a fedora, and has fought in the skeleton war for all eternity, is an outlier and should not have been counted. You’ll never see the last meme of 2014 the way Garcia Lopez de Cardenas saw it, but that’s none of my business. Anyway, here’s Wonderwall. [Muffled Flappy Bird Music Plays in the Distance] neopets is honestly a horrifying and disturbing look into the faults of late capitalism and the unfettered exploitation inevitable in unregulated economic systems like first you have the ridiculous inflation rate caused by the ease of which you can generate new neopoints. it’s like the post-WWI germany thing—if you keep printing money, it loses its value. similarly, as people play games, play habitarium, use the stock market, (basically any way of earning neopoints that doesn’t involve rsing from the NPC shops) they’re not actually exchanging currency cyclically like economies rely on—they’re just making it out of thin air. 10,000 neopoints today was 1,000 neopoints a few years ago. even avatar items that have been around for a while have soared from 300k to 3 mil. inflation is further worsened by a few things. one is that there are very few neopoint sinks (only notable examples are the main shops, wishing well, paid dailies, and slots) and only ONE that works even remotely efficiently. they had the save the wheels neopoint sink a few years ago to try to combat the problem, which only fucked things up worse. in order to incite people to sink their neopoints, they offered prizes to people who donated a lot. but the prizes themselves, both during the event and after, just encouraged people to generate more neopoints to donate and get prizes. it’s also awful because kids don’t play neopets anymore. in a capitalist system there’s always relative poverty, but the poor are disappearing. do you want to play a game where anything worth doing costs more than you could ever dream of earning? how is an 8 year old going to learn how to restock draik eggs? poverty in neopia is earning, like, 33k a day, and richness is incomprehensibly huge. we’re talking billions, trillions. wealth disparity is huge with no regulatory system helping out the lowest tier, and the rich get richer with bigger interest, bigger stocks, and more wiggle room with auction sniping the supply/demand is so integral to everything you do, buy, or take part in. you have things like codestones that generally stay constant (in the 3-7k range, with some inflating 20-40% around war time when people are training more because hello demand!) and things like junk items that you think could NEVER inflate because the supply is so high suddenly inflating 1,000,000% or more in a day due to a site event. and the staff actually have NO IDEA how to fix it. save the wheels? fucked up. portal plot? hilarious. there are rules against hoarding items just to raise the price, but how do you control that? bread costs less than rotten tomato salads. if you earn 16k a day (about average if you’re casual) it would take you 59 years to save up for a dark faerie wand. hell will eventually be sucked into the vortex of neopets.com and we will all despair and i will be richer than all of you In ancient Greek mythology, Pygmalion was a highly accomplished Cypriot sculptor. Though skilled at imitating the human form, and well acquainted with it's subtleties, he became disgusted by it when he witnessed the Propoetides prostituting themselves. These women were punished by Venus for their lack of worship with a coarseness of skin and a crudeness of nature, and were then forced into prostitution. Seeing this, Pygmalion the sculptor was repelled and could no longer appreciate women. Seemingly alone, Pygmalion sought to create for himself a perfect, pure, unsullied companion. He used his particular skills to this end: he created a statue bride. What you are about to watch is a mysterious video. It's origin is attributed variously, and almost certainly spuriously, to various abstract artists or surrealists. The truth is that what we are seeing, and what we perceive to be strange and disturbing, is actually beauty to it's creator. Perhaps what we are viewing is the work of a modern Pygmalion. To him, her toneless voice, the paleness of her skin and the comparative vibrancy of her lips may indeed be the very embodiment of a perfect woman... Consider the mind-scape of the creator. In whose mind does this appear beautiful? In whose mind is this pure, near worshipful? Are we missing out on his perspective? Who are we to be afraid or to judge them? He may well love her fully, perhaps more fully than any of us could ever hope to be loved. In the mind of her creator, she is a near goddess; the perfect representation, not just of femininity, but the peak of human potential. A perfectly satisfactory being. How does that kind of unconditional love feel? Well, how does she feel? Fantastic. The "Swing Daddy" of the piano, Artie Antlers was one of the early cabaret characters at Pizza Time Theatre. Artie sang with a deep soulful voice, and his style of music ranged from boogie-woogie, to swing, to early Rock and Roll. He often referred to himself as "moose-ical" and also played up the moose theme by making quotes such as "this Moose is loose". Artie was used in the early 1980s, and was the final culmination of the characters of Elkton John and Glen Camel who were mentioned in the original 1977 PTT Program but never put into production. He was originally announced in 19793, and debuted during the first half of 1980. He originally appeared at three of the earliest Pizza Time Theatre locaions - San Jose (Kooser), Concord, and Sacramento, replacing Dolli Dimples in the Cabaret (then known as the Piano Bar Lounge). Artie Antlers was voiced by Jim Cunningham, a jazz artist whose band "The High Time Octet" had been written up in national papers. Jim was hired by the ad agency of Foote, Cone & Belding and flown from Denton, TX to do the recording at Wally Heider Studios in San Francisco. The piano player on the tracks was a man who played for the Pointer Sisters, and the entire recording session happpened over the course of only four days. Artie dressed in a flashy blue tux, and originally had a black nose which was later removed. Mechanically, Artie was identical to Dolli Dimples (minus the breast movement) – the duo can be seen together at the factory here. Shortly after his introduction, Artie required a retrofit for his antlers which were originally made of wood and broke easily. A styrofoam version was created that was more durable and did not break from the characters movements. During the very early 1980s, Artie was used widely on PTT merchandise, appearing in print on items such as calendars and annual reports. He was also featured on items such as the “Chuck E. Cheese Cube” and other redemption items. Despite his prominent exposure and usage, Artie was never given a second showtape - in 1982 when Dolli Dimples was renewed for a second tape, a new character was introduced named B.B. Bubbles instead of new material for Artie. Aspects of Artie Antlers were used in ideas for new retrofits, such as a Davy Crockett style retrofit for Artie, and a lumberjack character retrofit for The King, however neither materialized past the concept art stage. sweetie, you are literally so out of line it’s fucking unbelievable. i could drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it. chances are you’ll just say i bullied you because you’re gay and have different skin. talk shit get hit, you don’t wanna mess with me kiddo; i’ve got a black belt. i know threats are fucked up but that’s all i’ve been receiving all day, probably from her royal hoodrat olive and all of her nasty friends. but you can gang up on me and make fun of me for being goth all you want. i’ve been hurt a lot. my first boyfriend cheated on me, my dad screams if i forget to do my chores, and there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. i’m a jaded teenage girl. i’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. you think your life is hard? try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. you don’t know my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. life is a battlefield and it looks like i’ve already won. i’m a jaded teenage girl👸. i’ve been through shit💩that you wouldn’t even dream☁️🌜 of. you think💭 your life is hard?😁😣👿 try asking💬❓ the cutest😙😻 guy👱in your grade👦👱👧👩👸👲 out in the middle of the cafeteria🍔🍟🍕 only to find out😨 he has a fucking girlfriend👫💏💔. you don’t👎 know my life or my story📖📚 so keep my name👸 out of your nasty mouth👅💩. life is a battlefield💣🔫🔪 and it looks👀 like i’ve already won👌 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit I AM GAY! GAY! GAY! I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. I’M A SUPER SUPER GAY I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. Now once again, I would like to make this very clear. I AM GAY! GAY! GAY! I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. I’M A SUPER SUPER GAY I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. Thank you for your attention and I hope for your support. Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hana…Hanama….Hana, Hana, Hanamura. Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hana…Hanama….Hana, Hana, Hanamura. Teru! Teru! Teruteru! Hana…Hanamura! Hanamura! Hanamura! He’s a cook. He’s a cooooook. He’s a cook, cook, cook. Hanamura! Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Teru. Teru. Teruteru! Teru. Teru. He’s the cook. He’s the cook at the Super High School Level. Cook! Cook! He’s a cook. Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! It’s Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hanamura! Hanamura! High School Level Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! He’s kinda plump, plump and round. Flirts with everyone. (guys and girls) (guys and girls) (guys and girls) He flirts with them all. Flirts with them all. And he loves his mom! Mom! Mom, happy mommy’s day. Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hanamura! Hanamura! He’s Super High School Level Cook! He’s the cook at Dangan Ronpa! Super Dangan Ronpa 2! Goodbye, goodbye, despair academy! Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye to despair! Des-des-despair academy! Academy on a tropical island. On a tropical island. Trop-trop-tropical island of hope and despair! Hope and despair, it’s Teruteru Hanamura. Hanamura. The cook at Super High School Level! Cook, cook, calls himself a chef. Cook, cook, calls himself a chef. At the highschool, at the highschool, super highschool, super highschool. Super Dangan Ronpa 2! 2! 2! 2! 2! It’s Teruteru Hanamura! Hanamura, he’s a cook. He’s a chef. He’s a cook who calls himself a chef. Chef, at the Super Highschool Level. Level! Level! Level! It’s Teruteru, Teruteru, Hanamuru. Teratera Hanamuru. He’s the cook, the cook, at the Super Highschool, Super Highschool, Super Highschool. I'M WITH STUPID (TRANSCRIPT) SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick's houses are seen. Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning frantically. He featherdusts SpongeBob] Patrick: NEED...FURNITURE! [makes a lamp post model out of the sand; he then makes a sand drawer, television, stool, and a couch. The whole time he is still frantically mumbling] SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? [Patrick barks like a dog and continues to clean]Hey, Patrick! Patrick: Oooooooh, sweep sweep!! SpongeBob: Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing. But I can see you're busy having an episode. Patrick: [Stops cleaning. his face turns mad] You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. [imitates SpongeBob] "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! Or fabricate!!!" SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. Patrick: [Patrick snaps out of being angry and starts crying] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob. You gotta to help me! SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel. Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob; it's worse. SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it, then? Patrick: Look! [Takes out a rolled-up piece of paper from his belly button] SpongeBob: Hey, a note! [A sixteenth note is shown] Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over, there's a letter! [The letter B is shown] SpongeBob: You're right! Patrick: And, I got this message from my parents! [Hands out a smaller letter] SpongeBob: Your parents? [Reads the note out loud] "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy". Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers. SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! [pushes Patrick's nipples and his eyes elongate]Nauuugh! Patrick: [Laughing] That always cheers me up. [His eyes go back to normal] But not today. SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is. Patrick: But don't they watch television? SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat! If your parents got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are! Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people. SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever! Patrick: Math is power! [Bubble transition to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror] Patrick: A, B, C, D, E, F, G... [Doorbell rings] Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...! Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty? Patrick: W, X, Y and Z! [Marty doesn't realize the door has been opened and knocks on Patrick's head] Hi Mom, Hi Dad. Marty: Son! You recognized us this time! Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents? Marty: You never were a bright one. [Patrick groans. Marty laughs] Well, aren't you gonna show us inside? Janet: He probably forgot where it is. Patrick: Well I know where it... Marty: Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost. [Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands] Huh? Hold hands now! [Inside the house] Ok, we're almost there! Let go on three. One...two...three! [Marty and Janet let go of Patrick's hands on three] Janet: Good job! Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! [Both laugh as Patrick looks annoyed] Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. [Patrick leaves, then comes back with a tray with three drinks on it] Marty: Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must've been working all night to put these together for us. Janet and Marty: We love you! [Both kiss Patrick as he looks even more annoyed and groans] Patrick: [Doorbell rings] Hooray, the idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it! [Outside, SpongeBob is putting on his karate helmet] SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check. Gary: Meow. SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary! Gary: Meow? [Goes back to SpongeBob's house] SpongeBob: What could go wrong? [Patrick's rock opens] Patrick: What a surprise! SpongeBob: Hi. Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Hi. Marty: Hello there! Janet: How do you do? SpongeBob: Hi. [Walks to Patrick's parents] Marty: Put 'er there. [SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand] Doll: Mama! Mama! Patrick: He means "shake". [SpongeBob shakes his entire body]No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! [SpongeBob shakes both his hands]No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. [Puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand] Grab it with only one hand! [Puts his left leg and hand down] Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! [He moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles] Janet: So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby? SpongeBob: Hi. Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show them your house! [SpongeBob pulls up his pants and reveals a blouse]No, not your blouse! Your house! [SpongeBob screams and runs over to his house. He runs into the shell and gets stuck] Janet: He lives in a fruit? Marty: That's unhealthy. Patrick: [Giggling] Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner? [SpongeBob babbles like an idiot. Later, Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners] Marty: Does he always do that after he eats? Patrick: Only on Wednesday. [Pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles] Marty: [Starts giggling with Patrick]Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken. Patrick: Yeah. And it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy. [SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck siren sound. Makes other various sounds] Marty: Whoa! Is he gonna be okay? Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. [Dolphin chirping] You should see him in the morning prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm rea!" [Rooster crows] He drives all the neighbors crazy! [Horn] Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was--- [SpongeBob jumps backwards over Patrick, Janet and Marty while making an elephant trumpet sound, then he crashes on the floor]. ---was really no help for him. [SpongeBob makes imprints of himself on the walls while making horn sounds] I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape! I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, but never box-chested! [Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns]Hey, SpongeBob do you have any mascara I could borrow? [Makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands] Marty: [Chuckles] The boy wears make-up? Janet: What a card! [Everyone laughs, except SpongeBob, who's now very annoyed] SpongeBob: [Confused] Hey, Patrick! Patrick! Patrick: Aw, he said my name. Marty: Wow, how'd you train him to do that? [SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger] Patrick: Ow! He bit me! SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen! Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. [Janet and Marty laugh] A dumb one! [They laugh again, as SpongeBob and Patrick enter the kitchen] So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! [Patrick laughs very hard] See, that's funny. 'Cause your dumb! SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit? Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumbing them down a bit. SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! [glances at Patrick's t-shirt, "I'M WITH THE DUMMY" with an arrow pointing towards SpongeBob] Patrick: That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [Patrick drools] SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember! Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now, with your talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've caught me at a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone. SpongeBob: Ok, I will! [Takes off his helmet] Patrick: [Puts on helmet] And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya! SpongeBob: [In front of Janet and Marty, clears throat] I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So what do you say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy. Marty: [laughs] Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. Oh, good work, son! Patrick: It wasn't easy, dad. SpongeBob: [sputtering] But... but, but, but, but, but, but... Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man! SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [He shows them a small picture of his brain] Patrick: That must be actual size. [All laugh] SpongeBob: No! It's normal size and fully functional, watch. [Writes on Patrick's chalkboard] 2 plus 2 equals 4. Marty: Hoho, son! You taught him math too! SpongeBob:Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Marty: And you taught him to sing! [SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering] Oh, now he's short-circuiting! You must have taught him a little too much. [SpongeBob imagines them all laughing hard. Marty and Janet look at each other and laugh; then they all do the can-can. He imagines the three popping out of SpongeBob's pores. SpongeBob is inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye. SpongeBob screams and runs through the wall outside, running all the way back home] Marty: You know, son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But this guy! He's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart! [clears his throat] But more importantly, son, he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. [Hugs him] Ha! I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet? Janet: You bet, Marty! Patrick: [His eyes widen] Janet? Marty? Who are you people?! Janet: Marty! I'm scared! [Doorbell rings, then the rock opens up. Squidward, Herb and Margie are outside his rock] Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts! Patrick: Mom! Dad! Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time. Margie: And you remembered to get dressed today! [Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh] Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son. Janet: Oh yeah! [Both walk away. Patrick and his parents laugh as their rock closes over them] 👀👀👍👍👍👀👀 nice 👌👌stuff 👀👀👀 ✔️thats some ™™™ nice 👨🏻 stuff 👨🏻👨🏻 ® (cool ) 👌👌👌👌👌 niiiiiiiiiii👌ce 👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌 stuff that is some nice ✔️ass✔️stuff👀 ya got there ✔️ congrats 🎉 on the nice👍👍👍STUFF👍👍👌✔️👀✔️👀 👍👍 👀✔️™ nice 👌 shut the FUCK up 👎👀👎👀👎👀👎👀👎👀 bull SHIT bülł sHit 👎 thats 🚫 some bull shit👎👎 right👎👎th 👎ere👎👎👎right🚫there 🚫🚫if i do say so my self❌ i say so❌ thats fucking horrible right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ fucking ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) UGHHHHH❌ 👎👎 👎B0ОଠＯOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👎👎👎 👎 ❌ 👎 👀 👀 👀 👎👎BAD SHIT DO IT, just DO IT! Don't let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday, you said tomorrow. So just. DO IT! Make. your dreams. COME TRUE! Just... do it! Some people dream of success, while you're gonna wake up and work HARD at it! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, and you're not gonna stop there. NO! What are you waiting for? ... DO IT! Just... DO IT! Yes you can! Just do it! If you're tired of starting over, stop. giving. up. >le maymay arrow is this a le new epic meme? screen kapped for dat sweet karma xD. FUS ROH DAH!!!!!1 i used to be a christmas but then i took an arrow 2 da knee :^( BAZINGA BAZINGA ZIMBABWE. top kek, toppest of keks. le nyan cat? hahahaha le mayonaise. fucking epic ass meme i love that fucking meme so much man wait let me just *gets crack pipe out* smoke some of that good 420 shit :) *rips a bong* AHHHHHHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that sure hit the spot ok now repeat that fucking epic ass M E M E WHATA FUCK MAN xD i just fall of my chair cuz i couldnt and i CANT stop laughXXXXXX DDDDDD OMGOSH DDDDD XXXXX DDDDD DDDDDD LOOOOOOOLLLLL FUCKIN HOLY SHITTTT I CANT JUST STOP LAUGHING CAUSE HE HE HE HE HE JUST TO FUNNY MAN!!!1!11! GOOD MEME SORRY I MEAN GREAT MEME EPIC MEMEING /b/ro BAZINGA BAZINGA BAZINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ZIMBABWE is this a le new epic meme? screen kapped for dat sweet karma xD. FUS ROH DAH!!!!!1 i used to be a christmas but then i took an arrow 2 da knee :^( BAZINGA BAZINGA ZIMBABWE. top kek, toppest of keks. le nyan cat? hahahaha le mayonaise. fucking epic ass meme i love that fucking meme so much man wait let me just gets crack pipe out smoke some of that good 420 shit :) rips a bong AHHHHHHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that sure hit the spot ok now repeat that fucking epic ass M E M E I'm Squirting Pure Mio Water Flavoring Into My Mouth And Walking Around With Swiffer WetJets Taped To My Shoes I Don't Give A Fuck Damn About Society You Know What? I'm Going To Write A Song About How Bad I Want To Fight You, And Once It Makes A Lot Of Money, I'm Going To Buy A Plane Ticket And Come To Your House And I'm Going To Break All Of Your Electronic Devices, You God Damn Pincushion. Okay, first of all, FUCK your fandom and FUCK your bullshit fandom politics. I know you’re not going to like this but I don’t care and before you start thinking about flaming me my ask box has anonymous off so you’re going to listen to what I have to say. Monica would be a firebender, I think that’s one thing we all agree on. Now is where you’re going to hate me. Phoebe and Joey would both be airbenders. Now before you start flipping a shit let me just say this: go fuck yourself. Ross would be an earthbender and Rachel would be a waterbender. I KNOW THIS INTERFERES WITH THE SHIP. I DON’T CARE, FUCK YOUR SHIP AND FUCK YOU. And Chandler? Chandler would be a nonbender. I know it hurts but it’s true. I have watched every episode of the show and all of his actions lead me to believe the creators envisioned him as a nonbender from the start. Disagree? FUCK YOU. What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!! DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!! love and waffles, Getting salt from gamer boys in my inbox. Listen up turd turrets, I WANTED to just play video games, I WANTED to just have fun, I NEVER wanted my gaming to be political or a struggle, I just wanted to play. But you wouldn’t fucking let me, you brought up my gender, you judged me based on it, YOU made it political. So now I WILL wreck everything with my fucking feminism, I am the feminist nightmare you fucking created. Witness me. you guys we gotta hurry i just got back from walmart theyre selling nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale plus every time you buy one you get a $50 gift card brings the total price down to $110 after tax NOW LISTEN we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks a piece EASY they’re all limited edition zelda ones! HURRY hurry come with me! We can be rich and also i’ll get to keep one and we can play NINTENDO GAMES nintendo give me free stuff 14 years ago ⬅️📅today⬇️, the episode 📺✨”Band Geeks”✨📯🏉🇺🇸🎸🎷🎺🎤 of spongebob🌕▫️🐙🐚🐳 👔👖🍔🍟 squarepants came out😱📡. Our hero spongebob 🌕👔◽️👖 and his squad 🐙🐞🐚🐠🐟🐬🐳🍁 valiantly turnt up 🎉💥🔥💃 the bikini bottom bubble bowl 👙💘💭🍜🏉. Send 📲 this to 1⃣4⃣ other band geeks 👓👔. if u get 5⃣ back⬅️😄, it’s sweet 🍦🍩 sweet 🎂🍪 sweet 🍫🍭 victory 🎉🎊🎆 . If u get 0⃣😩 you are a #squilliam 🐙💢👎😰 Bring Tooth Ghost Pipe Hell Tooth Man To School With You. You Have No Other Choice. Bring Him. Feed Him Lies. He Will Crush The Nonbelievers. Listen To His Voice, Do You Hear His Song, O? Does He Cry? No. He Is Laughing. He Is Only Laughing. His Voice Is Fire. His Laugh Is Thunder. His Existence Is Forever. Fear Him. Love Him. He Is In Us all. Believe. Believe. Believe My OCHIN is gigantic, O.T.N is it's abbreviation It is mainly handled with things such as △○□× it serves combined use for men and woman Recently, a portable style that disassembles became possible All kinds of OCHIN have come into circulation Remove the portable-type OCHIN, so there aren't a lot of lost cases I advise you keep the lock nice and tight Furthermore, be careful because OCHIN as a so-called sex symbol is completely different Again, the above text is completely appropriate I actually met Guy Fieri at a restaurant once - we’d accidentally been given his table. Apparently he was fond of the restaurant and had a specific table he liked, and the management had messed up and gotten their days wrong, (it was Tuesday and they thought he was coming on Thursday or something like that). Anyway, the manager, completely embarrassed (this is a pretty nice restaurant) comes by and says “I’m so sorry, but we’d like to move you to another table if you could be troubled, and we’ll gladly compensate you for the cost of the meal and any other meal you’d like while you’re in town.” My sister and cousin were both like “Yeah that’s cool.” and I kind of played the asshole a bit. “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. We’ve been here for 15 minutes - we’ve just ordered. Can’t we finish our meal here?” Then out of nowhere Guy Fieri shows up next to the manager and says “Paul, these guys can finish. We’ll be at the bar. I got some time.” And I (being a big Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives fan) said “Oh wow, uh… I had no idea. Please feel free to give them the table.” Guy was grateful, shook my hand and said thanks, then gave me a card with his number on it and told me to give him a call later. After working up the nerve, I gave him a call that night, and to make a long story short, we had a glorious 11 month love affair, man on man, that I shall never forget. Our bodies intertwined as one, and from the beauty of Morocco, to the French Riviera, to the snorkeling in the Galopagos, Guy Fieri and I made glorious gay love to each other on six of the seven continents. Our MURDERCUBE, who art intangible,
hollow-pointed be your name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thine will be Gun,
on earth, as it is in /k/
Give us this day our daily Nugget,
and forgive us our 9mm vs .45 threads,
as we also have forgiven our Nogunz brethren.
And lead us not into Taurus,
but deliver us from Kimber.
For thine is the ‘PING!’-gun,
The Mauser,
and the Glory
Forever, and ever
Amen Ave Nex Alea; War is the way of Man; Man is the means of war; the Murder/k/ube allows us war; our worship is our readiness. Saluto Nex Alea. You know who/what is “on fleek?” Jesus. My Savior. My Love. My Ultimate Hero. Jesus is on fleek. The Catholic Church is on fleek. It is on point. It points us to our True North – Heaven – Jesus. Our Blessed Mother is on fleek. She is on point. Her ultimate job is to bring us to her Son – Our Savior – Our Love – Our Ultimate Hero. Thinking of the slang, “on fleek,” I started to think about as a working Catholic wife and mom, what things are on fleek in my life. I came up with a top 5: 1. Father. Son. Holy Spirit. They are on fleek. 2. My Family. So extremely grateful to be the wife and mom in my family. Straight up on point. 3. My job. Even with some of the difficulties I have balancing it with being a momma, I am extremely GRATEFUL to the Lord that He has entrusted me with this responsibility. Definitely leading to my holiness – so, yes, on fleek. 4. The faith community to which we belong. First, the Catholic faith in general – 2000 years old. So on fleek. Then, the particular parish we belong to – St. John the Baptist Catholic Church in Brusly, Louisiana. It’s a small little Cajun town right outside of Baton Rouge. The people are real, filled with love, and completely community centered. On Fleek. 5. The Saints. Those who have gone before us, filled with the Holy Spirit, the faith, and an incredibly awesome love of Christ and His precepts. They are like my “on fleek” gang of intercessors! On point, on point, on point. Мы начинаем наше космическое путешествие в те времена, когда трава была зеленее и музыка прекраснее, когда еще не было плохой музыки, дабы вернуть давно утерянную формулу хорошей музыки. Рассекая пространство и время, мы слышим звуки божественной музыки, в которой каждая нота находится на своем месте. Кажется нечто подобное испытывают люди когда слушают альбомы Sigur Ros, некое блаженное чувтсво. Это состояние невозможно описать, трудно уловить и легко потерять, но удивительно, на всем протяжении нашего путешествия оно все усиливается и усиливается. В окне иллюминатора пролетают все самые значимые музыкальные и исторические вехи в истории. Важна уже не конечная точка прибытия, а само путешествие, потому что стремление - вот самое главное в нашей жизни, достигнув определенной точки нам обязательно захочется продолжить путешествие дальше. Честно говоря я уже не знаю где мы находимся, достигли мы того самого места? И где это место? Скорее всего мы улетели намного дальше, за пределы пространства времени. Неужели мы так и не нашли формулы? неужели все напрасно? Наше путешествие - вот та самая формула, точнее одна из ее композиций, собранная из обрывков воспоминаний. Вычислить ее невозможно, но нам крупно повезло и мы стали редкими счастливчиками которым открылась одна из идеальных музыкальных композиций. Сможем ли мы когда-нибудь повторить это путешествие… возможно не скоро, но когда-нибудь обязательно, а пока нужно вернуться на землю и передать человечеству данные собранные нашими датчиками. Мы не настолько умны чтобы из полученных данных вычислить формулу, но зато у нас появилась одна из композиций сгенерированных этой идеальной формулой. Так правильно, ведь если бы человечество обладало “ключем” ни к чему хорошему это не привело бы. My baby he don't talk sweet, He ain't got much to say But he loves me loves me loves me, I know that he loves me anyway And maybe he don't dress fine, But I don't really mind 'Cause every time he pulls me near, I just want to cheer Let's hear it for the boy Let's give the boy a hand Let's hear it for my baby, You know you gotta understand Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, But he's my lovin' one man show Whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's hear it for the boy My baby may not be rich, He's watchin' every dime But he loves me loves me loves me, We always have a real good time And maybe he sings off key, But that's alright by me, yeah 'Cause what he does he does so well, Makes me wanna yell Let's hear it for the boy Oh, let's give the boy a hand Let's hear it for my baby, You know you gotta understand Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, But he's my lovin' one man show Whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's hear it for the boy 'Cause every time he pulls me near, I just want to cheer Let's hear it for the boy Oh, let's give the boy a hand Let's hear it for my baby, You know you gotta understand Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, But he's my lovin' one man show Whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's hear it for the boy Let's hear it for my man (Let's hear it for my babe) Let's hear it my man (Let's hear it for the boy) (Let's hear it for my babe) (Let's hear it for the boy) Let's hear it for my man (Let's hear it for my babe) (Let's hear it for the boy) Pull yourself together (Let's hear it for my babe) (Let's hear it for the boy) Whoa let's hear it for my boy (Let's hear it for my babe) Let's hear it for my man (Let's hear it for the boy) (Let's hear it for my babe) Let's it for my man There lived a certain man in Russia long ago He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow Most people looked at him with terror and with fear But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear He could preach the bible like a preacher Full of ecstacy and fire But he also was the kind of teacher Women would desire RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on He ruled the Russian land and never mind the Czar But the kasachok he danced really wunderbar In all affairs of state he was the man to please But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze For the queen he was no wheeler dealer Though she'd heard the things he'd done She believed he was a holy healer Who would heal her son RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on [Spoken:] But when his drinking and lusting and his hunger for power became known to more and more people, the demands to do something about this outrageous man became louder and louder. "This man's just got to go!" declared his enemies But the ladies begged "Don't you try to do it, please" No doubt this Rasputin had lots of hidden charms Though he was a brute they just fell into his arms Then one night some men of higher standing Set a trap, they're not to blame "Come to visit us" they kept demanding And he really came RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen They put some poison into his wine RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine He drank it all and he said "I feel fine" RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen They didn't quit, they wanted his head RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine And so they shot him till he was dead [Spoken:] Oh, those Russians... I had this friend who used to brag to us all the time that he could catch his cum in his mouth without fail every time he masturbated. He actually wrote down how many times he successfully did it. 327. I’ll never forget that number. And every day at school, he would talk about this. It was always during lunch my sophomore year of high school, too..so it was extremely unnecessary. He used to always try to demonstrate his techniques with packets of mayonnaise but we’d always threaten to move tables so he’d stop. He was really one of those people who needed attention constantly. Aside from those times at lunch, he was a completely normal dude. Like…even after class we’d ask him about that stuff and be like “dude, what was with that cum stuff at lunch,” and he’d always look at us like we were crazy and say “what the hell are you talking about?” I’ll never forget that classmate. His great personality will always be remember but his perplexing obsession with catching his own ejaculate in his mouth will live on forever at my previous high school. He was a one of a kind guy. His name was Norman Reedus. Don't u ever ever fucken send me any thing like this again. U r so ignored. U will be so sorry one day. But u don't even know it yet. That pride of yours u think u know everything but u know shit. Your have really pissed me off. One day u will say. Wow Mom was right but it will be to late for u then. Fucken no all. I will not help u with ur hair or anything else so done ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to throw u out off my property. You r the most disrespectful little bitch I know. Don't ever disrespect my 'Lord' to me again. U and Chris will be able to talk to each other in Hell. Hey nightcore-ers. This is Mod Angel. Recently I have gone through a complete change of lifestyle and want to be referred to Mod Priscilla Valkyrie the Fallen Angel. Anyways, I’ve decided that nightcore isn’t enough so I will also be posting breakcore and dubstep remixes that sound nightcorey Yep. This right here is probably one of the best things I've ever heard. Honestly, it is. Every song i listen to now in my waking moments is nightcore remixes, full albums especially but its hard to find mixes for them all so sometimes i speed things up myself, I admit, because I just really like it so much better when its sped up 3000x. I usually do it in my offtime and it also helps me be more creative and inventive in my musical style as an artist. It really adds something different to the music and makes it so much better. So yeah. That's my two cents as a proud nightcore listener/artist

[dancekickboxcardio]

I like my morning ⏰ alarm songs 🎶 today. I got up after one full tune. Taylor taught me how to feel. Wawames is already knocking at my door 🚪. He has all this longing curious innocent look 😺. I went to pick him up he ran away from me. I didn’t fall asleep 😴 right away after cooking 🥘. I couldn’t find my rings 💍 and that was enough to cause me to panic. There I was, water 💦 exhausted 💤 from the pool 🏊🏻‍♀️ only to get riled up by my inattention. I had no clue where I placed my jewelry. Usually, I have an idea 💡. I traced back all the possible places and looked for 🔎 them more than twice. No luck. I found it by happenstance in a place I would not thought 💭 about. I am excited 😆 for new pants 👖. Lululemon like or Zella’s. I call Zs. I better check for quality 🛍.

I am actually in my best behavior. I was able to keep it together. But Saturday afternoon I just lost it. I couldn’t take my Mom’s little things frustration. I had it. I am going to tell it as it is. You might not believe me. However, I didn’t have my phone 📱 to take pictures 📸 of every sordid moments I had faced in jail. I took it like a real pro. I had a lot of time for myself and I do what I do best think 🤔. I took it a serious business. Yes, it could crush your spirit. I came out after two days crying 😭. I had to make a quick decision to be stone tough or let them know how it feels. I sobbed 😢. It wasn’t even bad.

It might not change how you see me and know me. But it’ll be used by my detractors to make me feel bad 😔 about things and about myself. Heck, I thought 💭 to myself can I take the heat ♨️today without an outburst. I shall not think 🤔 about it. I was pretty tough. I wasn’t scared 😱 getting arrested because the police 🚔 is your friend but in the holding cell you feel like mosquitoes 🦟 bite you. You change into an outfit worn by other inmates. It was gross. I could have been in a rougher prison. My fellow inmate was rowdy from the hood. But we treated each other with respect. I wasn’t terrified of her. The bed 🛏 was so uncomfortable 😣. That is the main reason I don’t want to be back. You might forget and look over the reason for your loss of control. However not having your life’s luxuries 🤩 makes you ask yourself “what the heck am I doing here? I have a good life.”

I threw a temper tantrum on my parents. I spilled the salad 🥗 on the floor. My Dad threatened to call the cops 👮🏻‍♂️ and my Mom did. It wasn’t really bad until I acted up and showed the officers how angry 😡 I am at my parents. They let my fit rip and I knocked off the vases 🏺 towards the wall. I told them my Dad was going to clean the 🧹 salad 🥗 mess and I kicked all the kitty 🐱 litters. I was like a spoiled brat having a temper bout which in all reality that was what it was. I couldn’t get what I want. My needs were withheld.

I was cuffed for Domestic Violence. My main concern was how this shall affect my future prospects. It’s not too bad. Yet, it is a record. My farsightedness was working and I decided and told the jailer I would not shower 🚿 while I was there. It was a two day sit. The stuff were shabby. Who wore this? You have no privacy there. When I laid down I didn’t cover my entire self to remind me that I shouldn’t get use to or comfortable if you may being there. I said to me, “Welcome to your extended family’s delinquent list 📝. What an achievement.” #almostconvict I said I would not go to California 🐻 because it’s too shameful. I don’t want to show myself. Nah. I should tell them the story of how I felt like I was my cousin Dooo who used illegal substances and that messed up his ability to reason. I maybe dogged with trolls for doing exemplary. However, it is no excuse to act criminally. I am a person held liable for my actions just like everybody else if not more and I get that.

I shall never forget the bad smell and taste 🥄 of food 🥘. My feet 🦶🏻 were cracking from lack of moisture 🧴. Washing your face was a treat. The cold water 💧 was soothing. Drinking it 🚰horrible. I did things there that shall give the best results coming out. I ate my meals 🍽 and paid attention at my diet. I brushed my teeth 🦷. I stayed out in the common room to remind me of what I do when I am not there. The air and lighting there was torture. It’s difficult to fall asleep 😴 with the intense light 💡and sometimes lack of air. Oh, the walls are porous. You can hear 👂🏾 every door slams. For the most part the guards were nice. It could be dehumanizing. I wondered what the Jews felt being locked 🔒 unjustly for who you are. I kept them in mind and feel what they went through for years. Excapo. The dread. I talked to the judge 👩🏼‍⚖️. I liked her. I explained myself. I don’t want to be back. Yeah, it changes you. I am tough in spirit. I am happy 😃 that I used that mental toughness to take it like a startrooper.

I never thought 💭 of it humorous at all. It was not to be taken lightly. When I got back home 🏡 I felt the fatigue of being there and I need that shower 🚿. I spad it 🧖🏼‍♀️. I scrubbed and shaved and perfume. I should get ready for morning work out 💪🏾 🏃🏼‍♀️.

Things I learned:

(1) Voice out anger 😠 and not let it destroy you inside BUT in an appropriate way.

(2) Hold yourself together in the most emotional situations. Yeah, I am not entirely marble.

(3) Think 🤔 yourself better to actions that gets the best outcomes.

In one word, self- regulation is a good thing to have.