#today i woke up at 8 tomorrow ill wake up at 7:30 and so on

[nickbutnodick]

trying to get back into healthy, functional-person habits before school starts bc i fucked everything up with my too-much-freedom summer

[nathank77]

5/27/24

6:45 p.m Significantly Added to 7 p.m/ Edited Added to a little and Edited 7:15 p.m

I slept like a baby. I fell asleep around 8 a.m. I was worried I was going to have to take another 25MG Hydroxyzine and take my first 25MG of Benadryl. Cause I wasn't asleep by 8 a.m, I kept my eyes closed for like 17 minutes, used the bathroom and then passed out shortly after. I woke up a few times. At around 1 p.m I took a 25MG Benadryl and went back to sleep. I kinda slept until 5:15 p.m or so it's gross but whatever.

I had a bunch of dreams but a couple of them really stood out to me. I had a trauma dream- I was laying there, "black heading" and I took a hydroxyzine 25MG on top of my other one and a Benadryl 25mg. I actually thought it really happened until I checked my sleep tracker. I remember in the nightmare, I thought maybe I slept for 10 minutes but I kept laying there with my eyes closed accomplishing nothing and then I ended up taking drugs.

If it wasn't for my sleep tracker I actually would have believed I did it. This is how traumatized I am and exactly why I have a sleep tracker. I really thought I did sleep and took another 25mg Hydroxyzine and 25mg of Benadryl. Thankfully that was a nightmare and thankfully I have a sleep tracker. I just wish I would stop having the trauma dreams of microsleep.

I had another dream where my Methimazole was not working and I went hyper I believe. I was freaking out about it. I was on a campus like bully the video game and I was walking with a girl and there was a patch of unknown weeds and flowers and normally I'd walk around it. The girl did. But I wanted to work on my ocd and I walked through it and my thumb got pricked by a weird reddish/green shiny tall weed. I remember looking at my thumb, and seeing the thorn, it was kinda sticking out where I chopped off a small piece of my thumb when I was a teenager bc I was carrying an open razor blade in my pocket to cut myself and I stuck my hand in my pocket and a huge small piece of my thumb came off.. I can still see the scar... it's almost gone though.. anyways the thorn was sticking out of that and it turned bright-ish green... i was freaking out thinking that my ocd protects me and this is why I should have avoided the patch of weeds and then i woke up.

Symbolism- well the dream about the Methimazole was obv I want to go into remission. To be clear that dream was the same dream as the green thumb one. It was a long one. I think the green thumb dream was Symbolic of me wanting to work on my ocd but I do also think it protects me... beyond that- the fact it stuck out of my chopped off piece of thumb scar where the thorn was. And only the scar turned bright green. It prob was Symbolic of how I want to kill myself bc of my mental illnesses.

I don't really remember my other dreams but I wish I did they were significant today and I had a lot of them.

Anyways tonight I'm taking a 1MG of xanax, 2MG of Melatonin and 25MG of Hydroxyzine around 3:30 a.m. I want to fall asleep around 5:30 or 6 a.m and wake up earlier so I can have time before my oil change and potential car wash depending on the weather this upcoming week.

I need a whole car wash but I want the outside clean to last. Although my interior really needs to be clean. So I may not do it tomorrow cause It's raining Thursday. Maybe I'll wait a little but I have a feeling no matter what my car is going to get rained on a few days after the car wash. I don't really need to take a 1MG of xanax this week for anything but- I figured I should do it once a week to keep my circadian rhythm closer to 6-7:30 a.m. And before the oil change makes the most sense cause I'm going to Southington and Maybe I can go grocery shopping before and make phone calls. I prob will do the car wash cause I go to a place in New Britain that hand washes it...

Anyways I'm probably going to watch Dexter all day. I don't really want to game and hallucinate. And yesterday I did a lot despite most of it being a waste of time. I want to get my gym membership ASAP. I'm still trying to wait until the 1st... I'm going to go major grocery shopping Saturday cause it's the 1st...

I'm still hallucinating go figure and my dating sites experience is still trash but I switched some of my photos with the new ones I took last night cause I'm looking good and I don't want to body catfish.

We will see if I am hyper soon enough. I used these photos:

I used the Nike long sleeve shirt on all of them. The other Nike shirt on some. The Adidas on some and the dress shirt with the sleeve down on all and the rolled up on a couple. I have two fb dating profiles, one okcupid and one tinder. I put the jacket one on all of them. I varietized it... I also have these two pictures still up. Oldies but goodies:

Also I got to get water this week I'm freaking out about it bc I saw the guy there a week ago. I still have a case and a half so if he is there Wednesday I'll wait until Saturday.. I guess..

BTW I still believe there could be something there with my potential soulmate. I randomly thought, "I'm outsourcing for a reason and making it obvious." If she's a single mom and I can't provide financially she would need to make more money but then again it's every therapists dream to have their own private practice and maybe I just want to believe. I thought a few days ago around when I talked about how I wish I did icbt with her, "I still have the syllabus." That was weird. I also thought a while ago, "sometimes I worry your ocd will make the relationship not work." Something like that. And I don't blame her if it was her cause I mean she knows how bad it is... but yea I can't be delusional. And although i still love her and I only want her I can't wait forever for her to talk to me. I'm going to message her on her birthday. I suppose for now I got to assume she's happy with her husband. She's got her lips on his face on her Facebook. So I feel stupid even thinking there is a possibility she loves me. I just want her to be happy and I'm looking for a partner.

She's not an egg in my basket cause if she was she would be the only one... and I can't be stupid about it. I don't think she sees me as a client but she's waiting a long fucking time to talk to me even if it is just friendship..

Beyond that, I'm waiting for the Kristen status update it's driving me crazy. I want to know if they are taking my case already, the confirmation doesn't tell you. It's just that they received your documents.. they tell you reasons they might send your report elsewhere on it...

This week I got realistically nothing to do but the oil change/car wash and grocery shopping/therapy. I'm going to have a red bull day Friday. Go major grocery shopping Saturday and then have another red bull day Sunday. The following week I got my T-shot and I got to get my xanax. My schedule has really cleared off...

If I don't do the car wash I might sign up for the gym this week... I'm excited to start working on my body more. I have never dieted and went to the gym. I expect amazing results in a few months, look at my shoulders in the photo below yea I'm flexing but i haven't worked out.. also I put my shirtless photo on a few dating sites but not all cause then I'm out as trans. It could help me weed out assholes. I didnt put it on okcupid but still.

I'm sucking in a bit but I'm going to look amazing. I'm in love with my exterior appearance. Low key cocky. But not really. I'm still a nerd. Despite my self love and confidence I can't find a gf lol but whatever.

Tomorrow I'm going to wear a tank top and my fox shorts. I'm excited. Might as well dress nice to go out.

Once I get into 34s, I'm going to go up to the attic and try to find my old 32 waist line pants. I had a lot of them. I never threw them out. My dream is to be in a 32 waist size pants. And mediums or smalls shirts... I'm really excited.

I figured I kept my fat clothes. And my thin clothes were so expensive they are worth holding on to incase since I've thinned out to 150 twice in my life time. Most of my thin clothes are in my closet.. the pants though are absolutely up in the attic. I will need to replace most of my polo's and buttons ups bc of my shoulders. I'll need some more t shirt but not as many as I thought... def need pants/shorts depending on where I plateau.

I hope I'm not hyper. But even if I am- I'll still lose weight when I go to the gym and I figure out where I plateau and then work with it. Once when I was 145 I wasn't hyper..... and I wasn't going to the gym. Idk what my true weight is but I will figure it out soon. College threw that shit off. I always lost weight over the summer and gained living on campus. Go figure.

The second time I was 145 I had Graves disease but I was working out. I know I wasn't hyper when I was 145 the first time cause I had to do bloodwork every 3 months for my endo for a few years at least before he changed it to every 6 months... so I truly was 145 at 2 years on testosterone and my thyroid was normal. Then I went to college and went up to like 175 or something. Maybe 160.

My hoodies make me look fat cause they are oversized but they are comfy.

My Ray-Bans are still working but I'm going to watch TV all day and see if my eyes strain hopefully they work better than the Arons.

[eilonwiiy]

Bookends ; A Witchlands AU

Chapter 9

An innocent trip to the library takes an unexpected turn.

Summary: Iseult det Midenzi never expected to go to a top university, so when her mother falls ill and she is forced to drop out to make ends meet, life has never seemed so unfair. But when she starts working at the local library and is unexpectedly assigned in the Children’s Room, a certain monosyllabic man and his thrice-damned demon child start showing up and Iseult begins to wonder if the threads of fate have a plan for her after all.

Previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Ships: Iseult/Aeduan, Safi/Merik, and more… stay tuned!

Tags: modern AU, college setting, family, friendship, humor, fluff, slow-burn, romance, eventual smut

Read on AO3: here

Tag list: (please let me know if you’d like to be added!) @lseultdetmidenzi @twilightlegacy13

*   .   *   .   *   .   *   .

When Iseult woke up the next morning, she thought maybe she had dreamed the previous night.  But no.  Aeduan had texted her.  Twice.  First, with an all too unsatisfying Ok while she was still at work.  Then, again a whole hour later as she was getting ready for bed telling her that he’d be coming to the library tomorrow.  Which was now today.  The gap between texts - the “lost hour” as Iseult was now referring to it - was doing an exemplary job of keeping her busy.  She thought about it all through her shower.  While brushing her teeth.  There was a brief pause while she picked out an outfit (sweater, suede skirt, ballet flats), but then it was right back to obsessing over those missing 60 minutes.  

What had happened to cause Aeduan to go from monosyllabic man to someone with a firm grasp of the English language?  Had it been a full moon?

The ruckus of the usual morning hustle and bustle could be heard from Jitters as Iseult descended the stairs, coat already on and a messenger bag slung over her shoulder.  When she brushed through the divider curtain, the sight that met her brought her to a full stop.

“Wow.  Someone woke up in project mode,” she said, taking in Safi - awake and fully dressed on her morning off - and the stacks of books and magazines spread across multiple tables pushed together.

“Yes,” Safi agreed, looking proud.  “I thought I’d finally try turning that weird corner no one likes to sit in into that book nook we’ve always talked about.”  

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

Iseult stared at Safi, expression flat.  

“Safi?”

“Hm?” she replied, flipping breezily through a page in her magazine.

“What are you doing?”

Safi didn’t look up.  “I told you.  I’m making the book nook.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time.  But see, it’s 8:30 in the morning.”

“And?”

“And,” Iseult continued, slowly approaching her mini fortress of books, “there’s a perfectly useful bed upstairs wondering where you are.”

“Well, tell it it might get lucky and see me tonight.”

“Safi,” Iseult said bluntly.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?  And if you say ‘book nook’ one more time I’ll kill you.”

Safi said nothing.

“Spill,” Iseult ordered.

Safi sighed and made a face.  “Is it so hard to believe that I actually wanted to do a good thing and get moving on this project that you’ve been talking my ear off about for months?”

“It is when it’s 8:30 on your morning off.”  Iseult eyed the nearly full mug of coffee on the table.  “Is that your first cup of coffee?”

“Maybe.”  Safi’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.  “Why?”

“Nothing.  Just a concerned citizen, that’s all.”  Iseult pulled up a chair and lowered herself onto the seat, clapping her hands on her knees.  “Look, as tempting as the prospect of playing 20 Questions with you this early in the morning without caffeine in my system is, can we maybe skip to the end of this conversation where you tell me the truth about why you’re really up so I’m not late for work?”

Safi pursed her lips like she didn’t want to talk.  Then, she grabbed a massive tome off the top of one of the piles and held it up in the air.  

“I tripped over this.”

“Ok…” Iseult said slowly, eyeing the book.  “Are you okay?”

“Physically, yes.  Spiritually?  That remains to be seen.”

Iseult sighed.  “Safi, did you miss the part where I said I don’t want to be late for work?”

Safi let the book drop from her hand with an obnoxious thud that shook the table.    

“As you know, I worked until close at The Cleaved Man last night.  When I got home at 1 o’clock, per usual, I tripped and fell over this,” she said, giving the offending book a scathing look.  

The smallest of frowns formed on Iseult’s otherwise smooth face.  “How is that even possible?  That’s my freshmen geology textbook.  I’m not exactly reading up on pyrite in my spare time.”

“Oh, well, I knocked into the bookshelf while I was fumbling through the dark trying to find the light switch.”

“So really you tripped over the bookshelf.”

Safi gawped at Iseult.  “You’re not taking this seriously.”

“I would if I knew what the heck this has to do with you waking up and deciding today’s the day you’re going to be a carpenter!”

“That apartment is too small!” Safi burst, gesticulating wildly to the ceiling above.

“Safi,” shushed Iseult, glancing around at the early bird customers who were now looking curiously at them.

“No!  That place is too small and I’m so tired of barely having enough room to breathe let alone walk through the door without having to map out some sort of detour route to avoid collision!”  She shook her head.  “The books had to go!”

Iseult grabbed for Safi’s hand before she could point a rude gesture at the ceiling and covered it with her own.  “Look I know we got our hopes up for the apartment,” Iseult said, careful to leave out Chiseled Cheater’s name or supervillain moniker, “but you need to let this go.”

“I don’t want to,” pouted Safi, pronouncing each word defiantly.

“I know.  But you’re driving yourself crazy and me by extension.”  She paused.  “Our shoebox does have its perks.”

“Like?”  The word dripped with incredulity.

“Like,” Iseult ventured, “we don’t have to walk far to get to work.  We can even open the bakery in our pajamas.”

Safi’s face remained unchanging.  Iseult went on.

“We don’t have to deal with some seedy landlord.”

Nothing.

“Late snacks are a flight of stairs away.”

Still nothing.

“And there’s always an endless supply of free coffee on hand.”

“Except for that time we forgot to place the order and we went a whole three days having to tell customers we didn’t have coffee,” Safi pointed out.

Iseult shuddered from the memory.  “I thought Mathew and Habim were going to kick us out.”

“Maybe they’d have done us a favor if they had,” Safi muttered.

Iseult made a face at her and, for a moment, they held each other’s gaze.  Then, finally, she folded.

“I’m sorry,” Safi moaned, flopping back in her chair and looking at the stacks of books dejectedly.  “It just kills me that he’s living in our dream apartment while we’re stuck smelling like coffee for the rest of our lives.”

“It won’t be for the rest of our lives.  And besides,” Iseult added as an afterthought, “think of how much money we save living here.  I doubt I would have been able to afford that place now anyway.”

From the way Safi immediately sobered, Iseult knew she had driven the point home.  After all, it wasn’t Safi who couldn’t afford to live wherever she wanted.  She could leave their shoebox apartment anytime she wanted.  But she stayed for Iseult.  

Iseult fiddled with her hands and dropped her gaze, not wanting to look at the somber expression on Safi’s face.  She almost looked ashamed.  

“I’m sorry,” Safi apologized again.  She waved to the piles of books.  “Obviously, I lost my mind.”

“Does this mean you’re not going to build the book nook?”

Safi’s expression stiffened and Iseult saw a flicker of hesitation in her eyes.  

“No, I’m going to do it,” she eventually said, sounding resigned to the prospect, but determined.  “You’ve been bugging me about it long enough.”

“You said you liked the idea!”

“Yeah, but that was before I ordered those damned bookshelves,” argued Safi, nodding to the back office.  “Honestly, those assembly instructions are in a different language.  How can they expect the average person to put them together without a contractor?”

“Or an interpreter.”

“Exactly.  It’s all a bunch of gibberish made to con you into hiring a professional to assemble it for you.  It’s a money making scam.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Safi stewing.  Iseult side-eyed Safi.  She didn’t want to break the happy truce they had just struck, but...  

“You know who would be great at putting together those shelves?” she asked.  “The C-word.”

Safi gave a most unlady-like snort of disbelief.  “Cam can barely hold an entire tray of cookies without toppling over let alone a plank of wood.”

“I’m not talking about Cam and you know it.”

Safi shot her a piercing look.  “I am not calling Caden.”  She paused.  “I’ll call Leopold.”

“For what?” Iseult laughed.  “Moral support?”

“Hey, your boyfriend’s more handy than you think.”

Iseult’s stomach flipped.  “He’s not my boyfriend.”

Safi rolled her eyes in exasperation.  “You’re right.  He’s not, but he could be!  If you would stop avoiding him.”

Iseult’s stomach vaulted again, but this time for an entirely different reason.  “Did he say that?” she asked, not sure if she wanted to know the answer.

“That you’re avoiding him?  No, but I can tell by the way he asks about you.”  Safi studied Iseult for a moment.  “Do you like him?”

“I…” Iseult didn't know what to say.  She didn’t know what she felt.  While she had spent a good deal of time telling herself that Leopold’s flirtatious advances towards her were a figment of her imagination - I mean, look at the guy.  He basically waltzed right out of a Disney movie - she knew in her gut that they were real.  She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about what it would be like to date him.  To kiss him.  Would she burst into a puff of smoke when his lips touched hers and reappear a beautiful princess?  It all seemed so ridiculous to her.  They were like night and day.  But even so, there was no denying that they shared a bond.  She trusted him.  With him, she felt safe.

With that thought in mind, she ended lamely, “I don’t know.”

Safi nodded, eyes soft and understanding.  “That’s fair… Maybe seeing him tonight will help,” she said encouragingly.

Right.  Tonight.  Vaness’ little shindig.  Iseult hadn’t exactly been crossing off the days on her calendar in anticipation.  

Safi’s face went serious again.  She hesitated.  “Hey, so Alma called while you were in the shower.”

Shit.  “She did?” Iseult asked, trying to keep her voice light.  It wasn’t like this was the third time Alma had called this week and she hadn’t gotten back to her or anything.

“Yeah.  I picked up…” said Safi, sounding apologetic.  “I figured it could be about something important.”

“I’m assuming if you’re just telling me now that it wasn’t?”

Safi shook her head.  “No.  Just asked if you could call her back.”

“Ok… Thanks.  I will.”  Iseult swallowed the lie and let her eyes wander to the mess around them.  “I take it this means you’re not reading the book for the book club?”  She picked up a copy of Sisters of Sight from the top of one of the nearby stacks.  

“No,” Safi was quick to say, snatching the book away from Iseult and holding it to her chest possessively.  “I added that to the pile by mistake.”

“Of course,” Iseult said without much confidence.  Sierra, one of the baristas working the morning shift, came over and offered a steaming to-go cup of coffee and a paper bag that, judging by the heavenly smell, was her favorite cinnamon crunch bagel.

“Such service” she commended, taking them from Sierra and thanking her.

“This place ain’t half-bad,” Safi chimed in, watching with approval.

“Not half-bad at all,” Iseult agreed, then took a sip of her coffee.  She made a face as she swallowed.  “Well, the coffee definitely falls into the half-bad category.  Real Marstoki coffee my you-know-what,” she grumbled under her breath.

“You can say ‘ass’ in front of me,” Safi goaded, smirking.  “I won’t tell anyone.”

Iseult shook her head and stood up from her chair.  She was officially running late now.  “Well, thank you for an eventful morning.  Your neuroses never fail to entertain.  I’m only working a half-shift, so I’ll be back this afternoon.  Try to be nice to Cam before I get here,” she added with what she hoped was a convincingly stern look.

“Remind me again why we hired him?” Safi asked, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair.

“Because we’re all about helping the little guy,” answered Iseult as she wrapped her scarf around her neck.

“I didn’t realize we meant that literally.”

“You know what I mean.”

“You broke our no high schoolers policy.  I hate high schoolers.”

“Cam’s different.”

“He has no work experience.”

“Everyone has to get their start somewhere.  We didn’t exactly have much work experience when Mathew and Habim hired us.  Besides,” Iseult added, looking around and gesturing to the cafe, “this isn’t exactly a high-stakes operation.  I think Cam can handle pouring coffee.  Just be patient.  Not everyone learns at the same pace.”  She tugged on her beret cap and picked up her coffee and bagel.  “Well, I can’t wait to see you and the book nook when I get back.”

Safi’s face tightened and her smile froze in place.  “Me too,” she said as one of the book piles toppled over.  “Me too…”

*   .   *   .   *   .   *   .

Aeduan was not having a good morning.  

The news that they would be making a trip to the library that day was not received with warm reception from the four-year-old.  At first, Owl just frowned, not understanding why they were going if they weren’t going to see Evrane.  The concept of the library existing even when they weren’t there was a shock to Owl - an unpleasant one judging by the horrified look on her face - and Aeduan did his best to explain that the library was open to more than just the two of them, and that they were welcome to visit any time they wished, even when they weren’t meeting with Evrane.  He thought this would clear up the matter and put to rest Owl’s apparently very serious concerns about the library.  He was so incredibly wrong.

Owl had been possessed by the devil - Aeduan was sure of it.  

The nightmare started with her bath.  Aeduan could have skipped his shower if he had known how wet Owl would get him with all her thrashing, suddenly violently adverse to water.  By the end of it, there was more water on him than in the tub.  He’d had to change - but only after he managed to wrangle Owl into her own clothes (another Olympic feat).  At breakfast, she threw her Cheerios on the floor and the moment Aeduan finished picking up every last O, she spilled her orange juice.  By the time they left the house, Aeduan was so preoccupied with Owl squirming in his arms, he didn’t notice Blueberry sauntering across the porch and he tripped over the damned thing, sending himself - and Owl - toppling into a snow pile.  She’d started sobbing then.  Not for herself or for Aeduan, whose hip was throbbing in pain.  No, no, no.  She was upset that he may have hurt the cat.  It took 20 minutes for him to assure her that Blueberry was ok, another 20 minutes searching for the little cretin when it became clear she needed physical proof of the fact (he was hiding under the porch wedged behind the recycling bin), and by the time her sobs had turned into sniffles, he was so discombobulated that he didn’t even bother to go back inside and change out of his now soaking wet pants.  Again.  He was too worried he’d never get Owl out of the house again if he did.  He wasn’t taking any chances.  He skipped the car altogether, even though it had just snowed and the sidewalks probably weren’t all cleared yet.  Barring performing an exorcism, getting Owl to sit still long enough for him to fasten her into her carseat seemed inconceivable and - with his ears still ringing with her last screaming meltdown - he wasn’t looking for an encore.

Owl was deathly quiet by the time they reached the library.  Maybe she had run out of tears.  Aeduan certainly hoped so.  He wasn’t sure what he’d do if Owl fell apart while they were inside the building.  Possibly breakdown and cry himself.  Evrane would love that.

Shit.  Evrane.  In all the chaos, Aeduan hadn’t even thought about what he’d say if they happened to run into her.  He hastily ran through some quick excuses in his head while he crossed the library’s main hall, eyes darting around the open space for a splash of white hair and listening for the tell-tale sound of clattering of silver… which was precisely the moment he ran into Iseult.  Or rather, Iseult’s book cart.

The cart went toppling over, taking Iseult along with it, and crashed to the floor with a bone-rattling BOOM.  The sound echoed unforgivingly through the voluminous hall.  Aeduan stared at Iseult sprawled out on the floor covered in books, stunned, then snapped into action.  

“Are you alright?” he asked, hastily depositing Owl on the ground and kneeling down beside Iseult.  She looked shocked, eyes frozen wide, like she didn’t know how she had ended up on the floor.  He hastily began pulling books off her.

“You should be more careful,” Aeduan admonished gruffly.  He gathered and stacked the fly-away books into a pile off to the side while Iseult just sat there, silent.  Annoyed, he opened his mouth again when he picked up a tattered volume off her leg.  

His movement stuttered and his eyes locked on a jagged rip in her tights.  The pale skin shone like a tear in the night sky.  He swallowed thickly and he tore his eyes away.  

“Someone could have gotten hurt.”  He got up, leaving Iseult on the floor, and walked over the fallen cart.  He pulled it upright, the wood groaning with the motion.  He braced his hands on either end and gave it a firm jostle.  It seemed sturdy enough, despite its obvious wear.  Satisfied that it was safe, he started transferring the books back on its shelves.  

A strange sort of hiccup from behind him caused Aeduan’s head to snap up.  He’d had enough tears that morning.  This whole day could fuck off into the void if Iseult was going to start crying too.  He jerked around, not sure what he would do if he saw a single tear on her face, then stared.  

Iseult was laughing.  He’d never heard her laugh.  Or truly seen her smile.  It transformed her whole face that was always so emotionless.  Even as confusion shot through him, he couldn’t help but appreciate the sight.

He offered a hand to her.

“Are you alright?”  The question came out more reserved this time.  Less like an accusation.

Iseult nodded, her soft laughter fading to nothing, and accepted his help.  Her hand was cold against his.  She let go when she was back on her feet and offered him a small smile in appreciation.

Aeduan pointed to the tear at her knee, if only to distract himself from the feeling she’d left in his empty hand.  “That looks like it hurts.”

Iseult ducked her head and gave her leg a quick once-over.  Aeduan found himself looking too, but when his gaze began to roam to other places, he quickly looked away.  

“N-no, it’s fine,” Iseult stammered.  “I’m just out a pair of tights.”  

Aeduan frowned, not sure what to say to that.  Iseult bit the inside of her cheek and shrugged.  “I-I have a hundred pairs, so it’s f-fine.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Aeduan asked for a third time.  The tremble in her voice was making him uneasy.

“Mhmm,” was all she responded with, nodding her head.  She fidgeted with the cuffs of her sweater.  “I’m sorry I almost ran you two over.”

Two?  Oh, right!  Owl.

Aeduan looked down at Owl next to him.  The look she was giving them was downright murderous, if that was possible.  Owl had proven on more than one occasion that she was capable of extraordinary things - even if she was only four.

“You didn’t,” Aeduan replied, looking away from her and back at Iseult.  “I should have been paying attention.  I’m sorry.”  He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they were out of his mouth before he could give them any thought.  They seemed to be the right thing to say, though, because Iseult’s face relaxed and he thought he caught a faint smile.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she said, looking up at him shyly.

Aeduan swallowed, heart stuck in his throat.  “You…. are?”

“Mmm,” Iseult confirmed.  She wet her lips, the pink tip of her tongue darting out and capturing Aeduan’s attention fully and wholly.  “I was just about to drop these off and get my things to go.  I have your book.  One of the other librarians would have been able to get it for you, but…”  She trailed off, ducking her head and looking down at her feet.

But, what?  Aeduan thought frantically.  He’d never felt more desperate for someone to finish a sentence.

Instead, she abruptly announced: “I’ll go get it now,” then pivoted on her heel and glided away from him.  He watched her go, eyes carefully trained on the manner of her gait.  If she was hurting, she hid it well.  Every stride of her legs was poised and measured, much like her personality.  However, when she was about ten feet away from him she paused and turned around.  Aeduan noticed how she hesitated when she saw him watching her, but, subtly, she squared her shoulders, and proceeded to make the short trek back to where him and Owl stood by the book cart.  

Oh.  The book cart.

Aeduan made no comment when Iseult reached them nor did she.  She simply rotated the cart on its wheels and ushered it away.  The rickety contraception left a trail of unwelcomed noise, earning her several annoyed looks from nearby patrons.  As if it was Iseult’s fault that that ancient piece of craftsmanship made such an infernal racket.

Aeduan glared at them.

It didn’t take Iseult long to return.  When she appeared, she was buttoned up in a coat and wore an old-timey looking beret on her head.  On anyone else it probably would have looked childish, but on her it was cute.  Aeduan shrugged the observation off by focusing on the book in her hand.  

“I hope you don’t mind that I looked up your account to check it out,” she said as she handed Elmer and the Dragon to him.  A boy in a red and white striped shirt and blue cap playing a flute to a circle of yellow birds looked up at him from the cover.  “We’re not supposed to do that without the patron present, but... well... I figured you’d probably want to get in and get out.”

Aeduan looked up with the faintest of frowns.  “Why do you say that?”

Iseult blinked, and though nothing else moved out of place on her face, Aeduan could tell she was surprised.  “Well,” she said slowly, “whenever you come in you always seem like… like you don’t want to be here.”

Aeduan tensed.  That wasn’t true.  Maybe it had been before, but now… now he wasn’t so sure.

He assessed the facts.  Today was Friday.  He’d defied all logic and come in on a day he wasn’t obligated to.  He’d triggered the second coming of Judas just to be here by facing off with an irritable 4-year-old and a demonic cat.  He’d even risked Evrane’s unsolicited judgement.  All that he had done to pick up Owl’s book.  To make Owl happy.  The wet jeans frozen to his ass were proof of that.  

“I wanted to be here today,” he said, tucking the book under his arm.  The truth of that statement almost distracted him from the pink blush that rose on the apples of Iseult’s cheeks.  Almost.  

She cast her gaze down to her hands and busied herself with pulling on her gloves.  “I have to go to my next job.”  Her voice was muffled somewhat by the thick scarf wrapped so high around her neck it obscured some of her chin.

“The coffee shop?”

“The coffee shop.”  She let her hand fall to her sides - gloves secured - and with nothing left to keep her occupied, she looked at him.  

“Well...” she began.  The suggestion of her departure was obvious in her tone, but Aeduan interrupted her.  

“We were planning on heading there after.  After coming here.”

“You were going to go to Jitters?”  Iseult’s eyebrow actually bounced and Aeduan relished the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of her.  It was becoming something of a game between them - though, he wasn’t sure she was aware she was a player.

“Yeah.  It’s what we do on Fridays.”

Iseult peered from Aeduan to Owl.  Unconvinced maybe.  “You go to Jitters every Friday?”

“Well,” Aeduan backtracked, feeling his insides freeze up a bit, “we have been for the last month.  It’s… a new tradition.”

He hoped that didn’t sound weird.  Iseult was still staring at him with that blank stare of hers, her eyebrows having recovered from their brief surprise.  It was all so maddening.  He never knew what she was going to say.  It made everything he said all the more nerve wracking… and exciting.  

He realized something then, something that made the corner of his mouth curl up.  Just like that, he wasn’t afraid of what to say next.

“Shall we?”

*   .   *   .   *   .   *   .

Iseult was getting coffee with Aeduan.

Scratch that.  Iseult was getting coffee for Aeduan.  Or at least, she would be once they got to Jitters.  

They were walking.  Outside, Aeduan had apologized and muttered something about not being able to use the car in the morning.  He did that a lot.  Mutter.  But Iseult didn’t mind.  Especially when there was an apology buried in there - which, there had been that day.  Twice.  That wasn’t so bad either.  (Not that she was keeping track, of course.)

The sidewalks were icy, and several times, Iseult nearly slipped.  Each time she noticed the way Aeduan’s hand shot out to grab her out of the corner of her eye - but only just.  He never quite made it to touching her.  His hand would hover in the air - she could practically feel it - waiting for her to recover, and after, it would fall back to his side, wrist rolling.

The three of them walked side by side, Aeduan in between Iseult and Owl.  There was no way of knowing for sure, but Iseult suspected that he had put himself in the middle to act as some sort of buffer.  The contempt radiating off of Owl back at the library hadn’t gone unnoticed by Iseult.  She could have imagined it, but she thought she even saw a smidgen of smugness on the child’s face after she had fallen.  While Iseult admired Aeduan for fighting for custody of the child, there was no ignoring it: Owl was strange.

Aeduan held on tight to Owl’s hand, setting the pace for the three of them.  Unlike Iseult, she hadn’t slipped once.  So strange.

Nothing was said for the first ten minutes of their trek.  Eventually, Iseult worked up the nerve and broke the ice in a way that didn’t involve falling on her ass.

“You said you started coming to Jitters every Friday?” she asked, giving Aeduan a side-long look.  He nodded, keeping his eyes ahead of him.  

“Before we pick up my sisters from school.”

Sisters.  Interesting.  Iseult instantly latched onto the topic.  “Do they live around here?”

Aeduan shook his head.  “Arithuania.”  

“That’s not too far,” Iseult commented conversationally.  “How old are they?”

“Lisbet’s 12 and Cora’s 8… They're my half-sisters.”

“Oh.”  Iseult mulled over that.  It was a seemingly small detail, but it invited a whole host of questions about his family.  Lisbet and Cora were younger than him, so that meant he had a stepmother… which meant something had happened to his real mother.  The desire to not to lose momentum of the conversation almost pushed Iseult to ask… but then she thought about Gretchya.  If the roles were reversed and Aeduan had asked about her mom, she wouldn’t have wanted to answer.  Her mom was about the furthest thing away from what she would want to talk about, now or ever.

So instead she said, “I don’t have any siblings.  But I have Safi.”

Aeduan’s head turned to her.  “Who’s Safi?”

“My best friend.”  Iseult’s face broke out into a smile like it always did when she thought about Safi.  “She’s the closest thing I have to a sister.”

“That… must be nice.”

Iseult nodded in agreement.  “We live together.”

A pause.  “Do you get along?”

“Most of the time.  But even when we disagree, we’re always in sync.  We’re always on each other’s side.  It’s... hard to explain.”

“Hn.”  That was all Aeduan had to say to that and then silence fell between.  Iseult really felt like it was his turn to pick up the conversation.  She’d done a decent enough job carrying it so far; a two minute run was pretty good, she thought.  A record, maybe, for Aeduan.  But now it was his turn.  Or so she thought.  Because the silence stretched.  And stretched and stretched.  She even heard Owl sigh at one point.  She wouldn’t be surprised if she fell asleep by the time they made it to Jitters.  

“Do you live around here?” she finally asked, then groaned inwardly.  What a stupid question.  Of course, he lived around here.  They walked to the library all the time, dumby.  

“Yes.”

The single word struck a match on Iseult’s nerves.  She might as well have said nothing at all if that all she was going to get back in return.  She wasn’t great at making conversation on a good day, but Aeduan - Aeduan was like a monolith.  There was no breaking through to him.  He just stood there like a constipated brick, not saying a word, with those ridiculously blue eyes and ridiculously long lashes, and just glared at her making her feel like a complete idiot for even trying to talk to him, like she was the one with the problem!  

Well, she silently seethed, it was no secret to the Moon Mother that she was ripe with issues, but she was not the problem here.  She peeked at him out of the corner of her eye, and the white winter sunlight caught on the lobe of Aeduan’s ear.  

“Why do you wear that thing?” she blurted.  

Aeduan’s head whipped to her, his eyes slightly widened, like he’d only just realized she was there.  Before, Iseult might have been scared as to how he would react to such a brazen question.  But her fears had nothing on the deep satisfaction of seeing the crimson blush that fanned out high on his cheeks and crawled to the tips of his ears.  She half expected him to trip over himself for how long he gaped at her.      

“Why do you care?” he snarled - he actually snarled!  

Iseult stood her ground.  In that, she kept walking, head held high.

“I didn’t say I cared,” she said smoothly.  “I’m just curious.  You don’t see a lot of guys walking around wearing gemstones in their ears.  It says alot about a person.”  

Aeduan’s jaw locked so tightly it looked like it might never unhinge ever again - which, Iseult supposed, wouldn’t make much of a difference seeing as he never said anything worthwhile anyway.

But then he did something that surprised her.  He came to a full stop.  He swiveled to face her directly, and when Iseult looked into his eyes, some of the fear she’d pushed aside rushed back.

“This gemstone,” Aeduan said venomously, pointing a sharp finger to his ear, “belonged to my mother.”  He glared at Iseult and she swore she heard her heart stop entirely.  Strangers milled about around them on the sidewalk, but in that moment nothing else existed outside of her and Aeduan.  All she saw were his eyes.  Cold as ice, yet burning with hatred... and grief.  Even though Iseult was petrified of what he might say next, she realized that she felt like she was seeing him for the first time.

“I wear this to remember her.”  Aeduan’s chest heaved.  Icy air puffed from his lips with every labored breath, and Iseult suddenly noticed how close he was to her.  Just another step and their noses would be touching.  And their lips…

“If you’d ever lost a mother, you’d want to feel close to her too.”

This time Iseult’s heart did stop.  With a disgusted look, Aeduan swung away from her and left her standing alone on the sidewalk, staring at the empty space where he used to be.

“I don’t think I would.”  

Aeduan froze and looked over his shoulder.  Iseult stood rooted to the spot.  

“I-I d-don’t know if that’s t-true.”  She shook her head, not sure where the words were coming from.  Not sure how her heart could be beating so fast and not feel like it was working at the same time.  Like it was malfunctioning and pumping out thoughts she would otherwise never say aloud.  Not to anyone.  Maybe not even Safi.  

“My m-mother is sick and I d-don’t call her,” she stammered.  “I never see her.  I make excuses all the time about why I can’t visit her or why I don’t return her calls and even though I know I’m being a horrible daughter, I just can’t stop.  I can’t bring myself to be better for her.  I don’t know who your mother was or what she was like, but I do know mine.  I don’t know what I’d do without her, I’ve never not had a mother, but… I don’t know if I’d want to feel close to her b-because I don’t feel c-close to her now.  I… I don’t know if I’d miss her.”

The weight of everything she just admitted lifted off Iseult and she was able to breathe again, heartbeat retreating under the cool blanket of stasis she kept shrouded around her at all times.  Pumping blood, not feelings, doing its job.  She took a gulp of cold air.  Her limbs felt foreign to her, the tension she always carried ebbing away, and a fierce exhaustion hit her with the force of a speeding train.  She didn’t think she could bring herself to look at Aeduan after everything she just confessed… but she did anyway.

His expression was painstakingly emotionless.  Not even a scrap of red tinged his cheeks.  During her speech she hadn’t really registered him there.  Even Owl at his side was looking at Iseult with something different.  There was no repulsion, not judgement.  Just… curiosity.

Iseult took another deep breath of air.  It didn’t matter what Aeduan thought of her now.  She needed to go to work.  She needed to move forward.  Her eyelids fluttered close briefly.

Stasis, Iseult.  Stasis.  Stasis in your fingers and in your toes.

When she opened her eyes, she was moving.  She was brushing past his shoulder.  And then-

Something stopped her.

Iseult looked down at the hand firmly gripped on the strap of her book bag, then slowly, tipped her chin up to look at Aeduan.  The white winter sun behind him was a halo around his head.

“Can I buy you a muffin?”

*   .   *   .   *   .   *   .

Somehow Iseult ended up on the green couch at Jitters.  There had been scant elsewhere for the three of them to comfortably sit, so while Iseult had made a beeline for the couch before anyone else could snatch it out from under them, Aeduan headed to the counter to fetch them some coffee.  Caffeine was probably the last thing Iseult needed right now - not after what had transpired on their walk - but when Aeduan had asked her how she took her coffee, she couldn’t find it in herself to refuse him.

There was an air of relaxed cheerfulness about the shop, the place bustling with people getting a jumpstart on their weekend, college students done with classes for the week.  When Iseult spotted Cam alone scrambling behind the counter and Safi nowhere in sight, her first instinct was to rush over and give him a hand, but the second Aeduan stepped into her line of sight and instructed her to find a seat, she’d forgotten all about him.

It felt strange sitting and being waited on in her own coffee shop.  It was like being served in her living room.  She sat spine rod straight on the edge of the couch with her hands absently twisting her gloves in her lap.  She hadn’t even bothered to take off her coat or scarf.  They felt like protective armor now, like needing a blanket to fall asleep regardless of whether it’s cold or not.  Right now, it was admittedly too hot, what with the fireplace crackling by the couch.  She could feel herself growing uncomfortably warm.  She resolved to loosen her scarf, but only a little bit.  

Aeduan wasn’t alone when he reappeared carrying two mismatched mugs of coffee.  Cam followed behind him, his face pinched in concentration, moving with caution as he balanced three small plates of pastries perilously along his spindly arms.  Iseult tried not to make a show of watching him as he approached, but she held her breath, praying for him not to fumble.  It would be exactly the kind of thing he would do, the poor kid.  The second hand embarrassment alone would cause Iseult to combust.  

The second the plates made contact with the low coffee table, she was able to breathe freely.

“Cam,” Iseult said, peering over the back of the couch and looking around the shop, “where’s Safi?”

Cam put down the last of the plates and wiped off his brow, relief evident on his face.  “She ran out to the corner store.  The delivery guys must be running late and we ran out of creamer.”

“That’s the second time this month,” Iseult muttered more to herself than to Cam.  She sighed.  “I’ll have Safi give them an earful when they get here.”

“Aye aye, sir.”  Cam gave her a dutiful salute.  He made to turn away, then stopped as if only just realizing that he had just served pastries to her.  “You are working today, right?  Safi seemed to think you were.”

“In another half hour,” said Iseult, checking the clock on the wall for good measure.  “Don’t worry, I’ll be on by the time you need to leave.  You won’t be late for your Big Brother meeting.”

Cam’s cheeks went a little pink and he rubbed the back of his neck.  “Ok, thanks,” he said sheepishly.  “I’m really sorry he called last week.  I told him it wasn’t your fault, I swear.”

A memory of Safi hunched over the desk in their cramped office in the storeroom, red-faced, holding the phone to her ear flashed across her eyes.  Safi’d endured a very heated discussion with some guy that claimed to be Cam’s Big Brother - didn’t even bother to properly introduce himself, the loser - and accused them of letting Cam off his shift late so that he was late for their meeting.  Judging by the 30 minutes hate-rant that followed after she’d hung up the phone, it had not been a productive conversation.

“I believe you, Cam.  It really wasn't a big deal,” she lied.  It had taken forty bucks worth of take-out and a bottle of wine to convince Safi not to fire him on the spot.  

“Ok,” Cam said again, shoulders relaxing.  He surveyed the spread on their coffee table and glanced at Aeduan and Owl seated next to her.  “I just wasn’t sure what this was.”

“Oh ah…” Iseult glanced at Aeduan who was helping Owl peel the paper wrapping off her muffin, not paying the least bit of attention to their conversation.  “We’re just having some lunch.”

“Alright,” Cam said, eyeing Aeduan skeptically, if not fearfully.  But he didn’t pry further.  “Well, I’ll see you in a bit then.  Enjoy your, uh, lunch.”

“Thanks,” Iseult said, watching him leave.  Stealing herself, she shifted in her seat to face lunch.  

Aeduan hadn’t touched his food.  He was too busy fussing over Owl.  She sat between them, contentedly munching on a muffin that was almost as big as her head.  Much like before when they had been walking together, she felt like Owl was acting as some sort of barrier now, like Aeduan had put her there to keep some space between them.  Iseult wondered if she should read into it.  Maybe he was trying to tell her that this wasn’t anything special.  Just two people having coffee.  Nothing put the lid on romance faster than a four-year-old who, as far as Iseult could tell, hated her.  And then there was the issue of the 6 months worth of guilt she’d word vomited all over the sidewalk just 10 minutes ago.

“Is everything alright?” Aeduan asked as he put down Owl’s juice box on the coffee table and picked at his own muffin.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Iseult said, almost breathless.  “Just a problem with our delivery guys.  I’ll have Safi handle it when she gets back.”

Aeduan popped a piece of muffin in his mouth and chewed methodically as he studied her.  He swallowed.  “No, I meant with you.  Your face.  It’s all red and splotchy.”

“Oh,” Iseult breathed, hands flying to her cheeks.  The skin burned under her fingers.  “I… I’m just a little warm, I guess.  The fire…” Aeduan continued to stare and she looked down helplessly at her coat.  “I suppose I can take this off,” she mumbled, reaching for the buttons and beginning to undo them.  She tried to steady her fingers as she continued down the line.  She shrugged the peacoat off and her entire body seemed to sigh with relief at the feeling of being able to breath again.  She chanced another glance at Aeduan as she unwound her scarf, noticing that he had already taken his jacket.  How she hadn’t noticed until was a mystery.  The white t-shirt stretched across his chest made it devastatingly clear that he didn’t need any protective armor for their not-date.  

Iseult had always been so preoccupied with what was going on inside Aeduan’s head that she never really wondered what went on with the rest of him.  His signature leather jacket masked how lean he truly was, but it also hid everything else.  Everything else being, well, everything.  And boy, there was so much to see.

Not being much of a fashion guru, Iseult had never considered what was so special about the plain white tee.  That singular item of clothing had transcended decades of trends despite being, as its title suggested, plain.  Now, however, its reason for persevering was evident.  Embellishment would only distract from the main attraction.  The attraction being, the person who wore it.

Aeduan was, for lack of a better word, stacked.

The shirt left nothing to the imagination.  Iseult could see the contours of his muscles, starting with the hard plane of his chest, traveling all the way down to map the outline of his abs.  His arms were on full display in all their glory, pale and strong looking and - oh my gosh - was that a tattoo peeking out from underneath the hem of his sleeve??  There was nothing unsightly about him.  He was built in a way that told her that he must be well-acquainted with the benefits of hitting the genetic lottery.  This wasn't the work of protein powder.  Somehow he had fallen into Moon Mother’s good graces.  He looked healthy and strong and 100% out of Iseult’s league… It wasn’t until now that she’d ever even considered joining a league.  

She didn’t own a bat.  

She didn’t own a ball.  

She’d never made it to first base before, nevermind hit a homerun.  

She was so woefully unequipped in every way for the living Michaelangelo statue sitting across from her that it suddenly hit her that no wonder he didn’t talk much.  Who needed words when you had a body like that to do all the talking?

Except Aeduan was talking for once.  Now, in fact.

“Are you going to leave that on?” Iseult barely heard him ask.

“What?  Oh-” She followed his line of sight to the beret on top of her head.  She hastily peeled it off and awkwardly tried to smooth out her hair.  She was uncomfortably aware of Aeduan’s eyes on her.  She wished she hadn’t worn the silly thing.  It had been a gift from Leopold a couple Christmases back.  He had insisted that it was chic and retro and, no, it wouldn’t make her look like Mary from The Secret Garden, but now she would have liked nothing more than to toss it into the fire and watch it shrivel up into a pile of ash.

“Thanks,” she forced herself to say as she reached for the mug on the table.  “For the coffee and- oh.”  She examined the muffin beside it, then tilted her head questioningly at Aeduan.  “Did you know cinnamon was my favorite?”

Aeduan, who was mid-sip, paused.  Iseult caught the corner of his mouth curled up behind his mug.  Then he tipped his coffee back and it was gone.  “Lucky guess.”

Iseult allowed herself to smile, a little one, before ducking her down.  She began to break apart her muffin… but there was only so much eating and drinking she could do before there would need to be some exchange of words.  She decided to take a stab at it.  

“You said you come here every Friday?”

“Pretty much,” Aeduan said, reaching for a napkin and dabbing a smear of what looked like blueberry off Owl’s cheek.  She looked like she wanted to resist but didn’t.

“You do know there’s a Starbucks right around the corner, right?”

“So?”

“Well, why come here when you could go there?”

Aeduan thought about it, then shrugged.  “I like the coffee.”

Iseult snorted into her mug, sending a couple errant droplets of coffee flying.  Both Aeduan and Owl stared at her.  Iseult surreptitiously wiped her mouth, but when she noticed that they were still staring, Aeduan clearly confused by her reaction, she sent the same nonplussed look right back.

“Are you serious?” Iseult asked deadpanned.

“I believe I am,” Aeduan replied, a little defensive, which made Iseult want to laugh again.

“It’s not actually real Marstoki coffee,” she said, gesturing to his mug.  “You know that, right?”

Aeduan peered into the contents of his mug.  “It’s not?”

“Not even a little.”  Iseult gave him a bemused look, enjoying the curious way he was examining his mug, almost indignant.  Eventually he accepted the truth and put it down.

“You said hazelnut makes it better.  I guess you were right.”

Iseult’s heart skipped a beat.  He ordered his coffee that way she had brewed it for him the first time she saw him in the shop?  She didn’t know why that made her feel all gooey inside but it did.

A soft chime sounded and Aeduan reached into his back pocket.  The movement stretched his already too tight shirt even tighter across his chest and Iseult launched into an aggressive excavation of her muffin as to avoid ogling him.  When she eventually got a grip and looked back up, Aeduan was frowning at his phone.  

“Something wrong?” Iseult asked, hoping that he didn’t have to leave.

He shook his head.  “It’s nothing.”  He started to put it away, then stopped.  “Well,” - he shifted again and slid it back out - “do you know what this means?”

He leaned across Owl and showed the screen to Iseult.

“My sister likes to send me these… things,” he explained, watching Iseult carefully as she looked at the picture on his phone.  “I never know what the heck she’s talking about.”

“Oh!” Iseult exclaimed with a laugh.  “It’s a meme.  See, that’s Kermit the Frog.  Kermit is-”

“I know who Kermit the Frog is,” Aeduan ground out like it pained him to say the goofy green muppet’s name out loud.  “But what does he have to do with her trying to decide whether or not she wants to sign up for the school’s annual spelling bee?”

“Well,” Iseult began and boldly took the phone from his hand and pointed to the Kermit hooded in a black cloak.  “That’s Kermit’s evil persona.  He’s like the devil on his shoulder whispering in his ear and egging him on.  Your sister-”

“Lisbet,” provided Aeduan.

“-Lisbet said she doesn’t want to sign up because she has too many other extracurriculars going on right now and doesn’t want to overload herself.  But she also wants the satisfaction of wiping the floor with her peers’ asses because she knows she’ll win.”

Aeduan frowned at her.

“My words, not hers,” she clarified.  She handed the phone back to him.  “She was using that picture of Kermit talking to his sinister self to emphasize her evil instincts.”

“I wouldn't exactly classify competing in a spelling bee as evil,” Aeduan said, studying the meme again.

Iseult plunked a bit of muffin in her mouth and chewed.  “Sounds like she's a pretty outgoing kid.”

“She is,” Aeduan said, clicking his phone off and tucking it away.  “But she’s quiet about it… Humble in a way the most overachieving 12-year-olds aren’t.  To her it’s not overachieving, it’s just her being her.”

Iseult watched the faint smile that spread across his lips, warming his usually cold face.  “Cora,” he continued without prompting, “is a lot like her, but sillier.  She’s younger, of course, but she’s always been a little more mellow than Lisbet.  More carefree.  I don’t think school means the same to her as it does to Lisbet, but she’s a good girl.”

“They both sound like they’re good girls,” Iseult said.  

“They are,” Aeduan nodded.  “They are.”

A comfortable silence passed between them in which they both indulged in a few bites of their muffins.

“So what are your plans for this weekend?” Iseult asked.  

Aeduan stiffened, looking slightly uncomfortable.  “Uh, sorry, but I’m busy.  I have the girls all weekend.”

She blinked.  “Right, I know... what are your plans with them?”

“You weren’t...?”  Aeduan’s face went red and he absently tugged at his pieced lobe.  “Oh.  Well.  Uh…” He tried to mask his embarrassment with a cough.  “Nothing special.  Lisbet likes to get her homework out of the way on Fridays and Cora likes to do what Lisbet does, so we usually spend the rest of the afternoon doing school work.  Saturdays are a mixed bag.  Lisbet’s does a lot of extracurriculars, so depending on what she has going on, Saturday is our day to just hang out and relax.”

Iseult had a hard time picturing Aeduan “hanging out” and wondered what that would entail.  Before she could ask, a noise sprouted between them and they both looked down.  Owl sipped on her straw like she was sucking the life out of her juice box.  Aeduan gingerly pulled it out of her mouth and placed the exsanguinated carton on the coffee table.  

“What about you?” Aeduan asked, like nothing had happened.  “Do you have any fun plans?”  It sounded like he struggled to say the word ‘fun’.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call my plans fun.  Or call them plans at all,” Iseult confessed, tucking her hair behind her ear.  “I mostly work.  And read.”

“And hang out with Safi.”

Iseult smiled, nodding.  “And hang out with Safi.”

It took her a full 5 seconds to realize that Aeduan was smiling back at her.  Not just with his mouth but with the little dimple that winked out from his cheek.  It was the most brilliant thing she’d ever seen.  

“Actually,” she spoke, looking down at her hands, “we’re hanging out tonight.  Our friend Vaness is having a little get-together with some people.”

“Vaness?”

Iseult’s ears perked up, catching the sharp familiarity in the way he spoke her name.  “Yeah.  Do you know her?”

Aeduan opened his mouth to respond, his smile and the dimple noticeably missing, but at that moment, the bells over the entrance door jingled and in walked Safi.  

“Iseult,” she breathed, nose and cheeks rosy from the cold.  A paper bag was clutched to her chest with what Iseult guessed was creamer.

At the sound of her name, Aeduan’s head instinctively turned to look over the back of the couch.  Safi froze as the door closed behind her.

“S-Safi,” Iseult exclaimed, taken aback by the stutter over her best friend’s name.  That was a first.  But Safi didn’t seem to notice.  Her feet seemed glued to the floor with her stare pinned on Aeduan.

“This is Aeduan and - oh!” - Owl was turning in her seat and pulling herself up with the back of the couch to see what the fuss was about - “this is Owl.”

Owl gave Safi a shrewd look that lasted all of 5 seconds before sinking back down onto the cushion and returning to her muffin.  Clearly, she was unimpressed by Iseult’s choice in best friend.

“Aeduan, this is Safi,” Iseult told him, nearly choking on Safi’s name when she saw the frosty look he was giving Safi.

Neither of them said anything.

“We were just eating lunch,” Iseult explained, grappling for words.  She looked from Safi to Aeduan waiting for someone to explain why on earth she’d been transported to the arctic tundra.  They seemed to be locked in some sort of Vulcan mind meld; she had a feeling her limited knowledge of Star Trek trivia wasn’t going to do much to break it.

Thankfully, Aeduan was the one to do the deed.  He sent a downward jerk of his head to Safi in acknowledgment that might as well have been a punch to the face for all the friendliness it had, then turned to Iseult.

“We need to get going,” he said, his voice carrying none of the warmth or depth it had had in their conversation moments ago.

“S-sure,” Iseult faltered.  She was unable to ignore the sinking disappointment buoying in the pit of her stomach.  “I w-wouldn’t want to keep Lisbet and Cora waiting.”

Wordlessly, he pulled on his jacket and helped Owl into hers, then bundled her up in her hat, scarf, and gloves.  He started to stack the mugs and plates.

“You don’t have to-” Iseult tried to stop him, but he continued anyway.

“I got it,” was all he gruffed out.  When everything was piled up, he stepped around the coffee table and transported it all to the counter by the waste bin.  When he came back he held out his hand to Owl, who slid off the couch and placed her fuzzy mittened hand in his, then glanced at Iseult.  She couldn’t read his expression, but she didn’t have much time because the next second he was turning his back on her and leaving.

Safi, who hadn’t budged, didn’t say a word as he sidestepped around her and pushed through the door.  The second it rattled shut, her head whipped to Iseult.  She whizzed over to the couch like time had stopped and was suddenly speeding to catch up.  She threw herself down where Aeduan had been sitting and carelessly let the paper bag drop to the floor, barely giving it any mind.  Disbelief was written all over her face.  Iseult was glad that her expression was finally readable, but was still very much bewildered as to the reason behind it.

“What was that all about?  Are you crazy?” Safi whisper-hissed.

Iseult blinked rapidfire in response.  “What are you talking about?”

“Him!” Safi exclaimed, shooting a look over her shoulder.  “That guy!  Why on Earth would you hang out with him?!”

Iseult was so confused.  She was barely able to form words.  “He’s just a patron at the library.  We’re friends.”

Safi gave her a flabbergasted look.  “He’s not just a patron.  Iseult,” - she leaned forward and brought her head close to hers - “do you seriously not recognize who he is or do you not remember anything from that night?”  She pinned her with a stare, eyebrows high, as though waiting for a response, but Iseult shook her head smally, her mouth clamped shut.  Nothing Safi was saying was making any sense and it was making her more and more nervous.  

Safi sucked in a breath through her nose and her hand covered Iseult’s in her lap.  She squeezed it bracingly.  All it did was send another shot of fear through Iseult.  She stared into Safi’s blue eyes.

“Iseult,” she said in a low voice, “that’s the chief of police’s son... the cop that crashed Vaness’ end-of-the-year party.”

*   .   *   .   *   .   *   .

The moment Aeduan stepped outside, he felt like he could breathe again.  It had become too hot in there.  And then when Safi walked in…

Of course - of course - Iseult’s best friend had to be the impossible barista.  But she wasn’t just that.  Because just before she’d interrupted them, something that had been out of place had slid home and he’d realized something: he knew Iseult.

A memory of a hot summer night that started with a noise complaint rushed back to him.  Being in the Domestic Violence Unit, it wasn’t something his squad typically covered, but staff was stretched thin that night, what with the non-stop partying shaking up the college city, and Aeduan didn’t have much choice to turn his back on the call.  It had been one of the last runs he’d made before turning in his badge.

Iseult probably didn’t even remember it.  But he did.

Owl tugged at Aeduan’s hand and felt her curl into his leg.  He peered down at her questioningly.

She lifted a mittened hand out in front of her.  “Dog,” she said.

Aeduan looked to where she pointed and, sure enough, there was a dog leashed to a lamppost, most likely waiting for his owner to return from getting a coffee.  At the sight of the two of them, he lifted his shaggy head from his front paws, attention piqued.

Annoyance tugged at Aeduan’s gut.  He hated when dog owners just left their pets tied up unattended.  It was just notch below leaving them in the car.

Owl let go of his hand and clutched herself to him, hiding behind his leg.  Wide brown eyes peeked out from behind him at the dog, who looked cold and miserable.

“Tail not moving,” she said, her words muffled by the fabric of his jeans.  Aeduan nodded and gave the dog a pitying look.

“That’s right,” he told her.  “He’s probably not happy being left out in the snow by his master.”

Owl tucked herself even closer to him and a small whimper bubbled out of her.  Aeduan moved to sidestep away from her to show her the dog wouldn’t hurt her, but she only whimpered again, more loudly.

“It’s ok,” Aeduan shushed her, gently extricating her from his leg and lifting her up in the air like she weighed nothing.  “I got you.”  

Her arms wrapped around his neck the moment she connected with his chest and the warmth of her enveloped him, anchoring him, pushing thoughts of his old life his mind.  He held her close, humming soft comforting words to her and rocking her gently.  

From the snow-covered sidewalk, the shivering dog’s watery, mournful eyes watched him and Aeduan stared back.  He thought about Iseult and her sick mother.  He thought about Owl’s tear-stained face from that morning and her arms around him now.  And then he thought about what it would take to lose a child and what it would feel like to not be missed.

[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[superbolt]

Quiz Eps.

— 11:03 pm // 02.16.2022

I started a quiz today at 11:30 am with classes in between. It took me almost 12 hours to finish it but I guess I could have passed it an hour early only if I did stick with my idea on a 3-point question. Not the stressest yet, I dont think so hahaha. But todaaay, it’s the “Peace tayo, peace” HAHAHAHAH

— 1:45 am // 02.19.2022

It’s a pre-quiz craming time. How can i even fit all these 31 vidlecs in a night? hahahah galing half way to go. Ok tuloy tuloy.

The quiz was so awful, I can't even...

— 11:48 pm // 02.21.2022

Okayy so, I am currently reviewing for our sepa exams tomorrow and duuude my answer in my recent quiz was so bad, like supeeer bad brooomam. Tipong nakakahiyang ipacheck, its beyond disaster HAHAHHHA. UGHHH. K tuloy tuloy. 🙃

—9:13 pm // 03.04.2022

not quiz-related pero funny. So i assumed na there is no class kaninang 4:30 and nagpost din yung prof ng assignment. Okay, so aware ako na may gagawin but then i didn't even have the plan of checking the due date kasi naman sanay na day/s ang duration hahaha pero pagkabukas ko ng around 7:50, due na pala nung 7:30. Edi i told my friends, thank God we really are friends. Walang nagcheck ng due date hahaha. Yung lang hihi.

— 1:18 am // 03.07.2022

grabe im taking so so long already with this SA. ive manipulated the formula pero di ko parin makuha kuha huhu. Maglab na yata ako.

— 5:29 am // 03.10.2022

discorded from 9 pm to 5:27 am. kinda felt productive, really. tho im not finish yet. zZz. dont wanna have my 7:30 class later- hopefully none.

— 6:28 am // 03.15.2022

discorded from 8:30 to pass 6 and cooked some rice before going to sleep. all my dues are done except for lab, tho im done answering but i didnt turn it in yet

— 2:30 am // 03.17.2022

was planning to finish my el62 and start with my lab computation tonight kaso I just couldnt think straight and fast so tulog nalang muna hihu. My el62 prof is so extra lang in making our quizzes, it makes you work really hard for your score haha. night!

just to share sumthin about this^... so it was around 5:15 pm already when i asked my friend how many pages she was able to do, and out of surprise she told me that she was STILL about to do it. lokang loka si ghurl, our due date is 6:30 that day, and how can u even think and search that fast within approx 1 hr 40 mins. time left (ang hirap kaya magsearch and all knowing that it requires a "detailed" output daw) hahahah grabe samantalang if Ill calculate how much time i spent to finish it, dude thats half day for me hahahha baka more pa. Plus, I was able to fill up full 5 pages including references hahhaha. I cannot with that kind of risk and pressure lang. Power to my friend hahaha. IBA.

— 10:51 am // 03.18.2022

finished video A, did half of the lab computations last night and slept at 6:18 am kanina. i woke up around 9 to eat my breaky and now im back to bed, planning to wake up by lunch or 1 so i can immediately start reviewing for my quiz tomorrow < so sad that i cant make it to the province with my mom huhu > k, l8ers. " 2:44 pm -- woke up at pass 1 to review and kakaend ko lang since i feel sleepy na. im left with 3 vids for video B and another 3 from video C grabe ang hard to understand :€ nakakastress, idk if im still gonna finish it all or just push thru on practice probs. im literally having an absorption crisis. 💀

— 12:38 // 03.18.2022

stopped reviewing already, sleep is more important especially when u know that there is nothing's going inside your head na. haays. hoping for the best or atleast better tomorrow. thank u Lord agad ~.~ gnight and best of luck!

— 3:31 am // 03.25.2022

had a research night with my besties, it was a productive and a fun one. these baes never failed to be so cool. I kinda laughed a lot too and even discorded alongside it. :>> waiting for dad to wee, so i can immediately paint the ceiling part after hahahaha, tibay yarn. ~ seg lang, i really want to eat shawarma from the sharwarma in bloom bukas or sa sat. Di pwedeng matapos nang di ako nakakakain ng tinda nilang shawarma hmm lets see.

— 2:48 am // 05.16.2022

answered our solution thermo quiz ng 11:30 am and submitted it pass 9 pm. After dinner, I immediately started with my PhychemLab quiz and natapos ko naman din by pass 12 then reviewed sobrang a little lang on CRE. Ang sakit parin talaga ng back ko huhu. goodnight. Buy ako ballpen tomorrow.

— 12:25 am // 05.18.2022

no naps for today. Quiz whole noon to evening. Im more of tired than drained? anw ill get things done tomorrow na hopefully all. And go buuuuy ballpen refill for real na tomorrow.

[lifeofchellz-blog]

Speaking Into your own life !!

Now and days people tend to judge you just by looks alone but when you speak into your self and believe in what you say it makes you feel 100xs better

The Huffington post states that "Affirmations are proven methods of self-improvement because of their ability to rewire our brains. Much like exercise, they raise the level of feel-good hormones and push our brains to form new clusters of “positive thought”

So here's a Few Positive affirmations tht I hope will help you fell better in your day !

1.) Today, I woke up ! I am blessed !!

2.) Today, I am brimming with energy and overflowing with joy. 3.) My body is healthy; my mind is brilliant; my soul is tranquil. 4.) I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions. 5.) I have been given endless talents which I begin to utilize today. 6.) I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them. 7.) A river of compassion washes away my anger and replaces it with love. 8.) I am guided in my every step by Spirit who leads me towards what I must know and do. 9.) (If you’re married) My marriage is becoming stronger, deeper, and more stable each day. 10.) I possess the qualities needed to be extremely successful. 11.) (For business owners) My business is growing, expanding, and thriving. 12.) Creative energy surges through me and leads me to new and brilliant ideas. 13.) Happiness is a choice. I base my happiness on my own accomplishments and the blessings I’ve been given. 14.) My ability to conquer my challenges is limitless; my potential to succeed is infinite. 15.) (For those who are unemployed) I deserve to be employed and paid well for my time, efforts, and ideas. Each day, I am closer to finding the perfect job for me. 16.) I am courageous and I stand up for myself. 17.) My thoughts are filled with positivity and my life is plentiful with prosperity. 18.) Today, I abandon my old habits and take up new, more positive ones. 19.) Many people look up to me and recognize my worth; I am admired. 20.) I am blessed with an incredible family and wonderful friends. 21.) I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring. 22.) Everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good. 23.) I am a powerhouse; I am indestructible. 24.) Though these times are difficult, they are only a short phase of life. 25.) My future is an ideal projection of what I envision now. 26.) My efforts are being supported by the universe; my dreams manifest into reality before my eyes. 27.) (For those who are single) The perfect partner for me is coming into my life sooner than I expect. 28.) I radiate beauty, charm, and grace. 29.) I am conquering my illness; I am defeating it steadily each day. 30.) My obstacles are moving out of my way; my path is carved towards greatness. 31.) I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind. 32.) My fears of tomorrow are simply melting away. 33.) I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening, and will happen. 34.) My nature is Divine; I am a spiritual being. 35.) My life is just beginning. You can utilize any of these affirmations alone or create your own unique combination based on your personal wishes and needs. What is most important is to establish a profound communication with the universe — so say it with conviction, say it in your own unique voice, and make it happen in the real world.

[soysaucevictim]

Week 4 + SNOWFIGHT 2019 shenanigans, in this one.

-

Dec. 14

Again, I woke up a bit before 1PM. :P

Did a bit of the former usual (I had been participating in the YouTube Walkout, the past few days), before getting in some exercise.

First, today’s DD. 20 superman stretches with EC. Wasn't sure about my clothing choices while doing it, but this wasn't an issue. This was pretty doable, all around.

Second, Day 14 of the ‘19AC. 30″ alt arm/leg raise hold. It was a bit sloppy and I took at least one false start before doing “good enough“, to do it in one go.

Third, Day 7 of the FCP. Endurance, Level 3. I wasn’t sure if this workout meant to specify any rest times in between exercises, so I decided to spend the allotted 12′ keeping the arms lifted. That was certainly tough, but I felt I was capable of doing it!

(After moving in the new recliner, which may or may not be counted as “planned exercise”, and laundry and cleaning... part of which was because bro was clearly unhappy about some stuff and I kind of wanted to take some slack for him. I got this all done rather late.)

Fourth, and intermittently, as mentioned - SNOWFIGHT 2019. This time, it’s squats, not burpees, so I think I may be able to properly stick this one out (if I can manage my time well). This day, I had 8 snowballs thrown at me, and I dodged all of them (before midnight rolled around).

Fifth, Day 18 of the KMC. 160 side kicks, switch legs halfway. My right hip has been acting up the past few days (possibly aggravated by ill-fitting PJs), so I think this was reasonably helpful. Was a bit challenging to get in in one go - but still very doable.

Sixth, Day 18 of the DHC. 1′ dead hang. Hit failure at about 50" again. Did make up the time, very soon after. But I'll keep trying my best. If I can improve my first set times much before the challenge is done, I’ll be happy enough, at this point.

Last, Day 18 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That Dad seems to be happy about the recliner.

That my plan for furniture placements worked out.

For these fun Fitstivities from DAREBEE.

One of the last things I did today was drafting this post and watching my bro game, before turning in too late again.

-

Dec. 15

I woke up closer to noon today.

I got started on exercise pretty early, today.

First, and intermittently, SF‘19. This day, I had 79 snowballs thrown at me, and I dodged 74 of them (before midnight rolled around).  After the first 15, I also started to do the rest of the event’s squats with 3.5 lbs wrist weights for ech hand. That was a pretty enjoyable decision!

Second, today’s DD. 10 circle push-ups without EC. I just felt my form was too sloppy - a bit too sore and tired.

Third, Day 15 of the ‘19AC. 1′ O-pose. I still very much enjoy this exercise - it’s very meditative.

Fourth, Day 8 of the FCP. Cardio, Level 3. I rested a bit under 1′ in between sets to make it a bit more challenging. Did get a bit winded, but I think my feet didn’t appreciate the slight abrasion built up during it all. Still, it was quite fun!

Fifth, Day 19 of the KMC.120 turning kicks + 120 turning kicks. Did it in one go on 60/60 + 60/60. Pretty doable work.

Sixth, Day 19 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hangs. I didn’t do a separate warmup this time, since those jacks did p good to accomplish that. This was pretty manageable - as expected.

Last, Day 19 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That the Impossible Whopper is so good? I know it’s got a lot of salt in it, but as long as BK offers it, my enthusiasm for that restaurant would remain relatively warm. (Other offerings are p underwhelming.)

That Grandma will be able to get me to my appointment tomorrow.

For how useful applications like Excel are (it makes tracking stuff like SF’19 manageable.)

(I realize a lot of these items have been food-related... but they’re pretty easy to think of. :P )

After showering, more SF’19, and YouTube - I went to bed. In the red zone, which was not the best decision - since I had to be up early.

-

Dec. 16

Because I had appointments, I got up around 8AM. And it definitely could’ve been a far smoother experience. My alarm either didn’t go off or I didn’t hear it or whatever - but I woke up to some honking outside.

I didn’t expect the county transport to come get me to the facility - having arranged to get picked up by Grandma. So I opted not to get into the van and started scrambling to get ready. I then buzzed her phone a few times, getting increasingly distressed about if she forgot or was held up.

Thankfully, she did get me to the facility on time, and I regret frustrating and waking up my brother from all my pacing and loudness. I had to spend a few hours getting an assessment and service plan done with the therapist - which was pretty productive work.

Got home, I noted feeling unsettled at some point when home. I think it was because of feeling some sympathy for my brother and what’s going on with him. Other than that, YouTube, and Twitter, I did my exercise.

First, and intermittently, SF‘19. This day, I had 164 snowballs thrown at me, and I dodged 149 of them (before midnight rolled around).

Second, today’s DD. 10 jump squats with EC. This, plus some dodged snowballs, helped some of my frayed nerves, today. :P

Third, Day 16 of the ‘19AC. 2′ side splits. This was a pretty fun challenge.

Fourth, Day 9 of the FCP. Challenge, 100 climbers. Done in 1 set. This was also doable.

Fifth, Day 20 of the KMC. “12 balance kicks side & turning both each leg, no putting your foot down.“ I just remembered that I was able to meet this requirement.

Last, Day 20 of the DHC. 1′10″ dead hang. I managed it in ~55"+15". My first failure time is definitely improving - so I know I'm making progress! :D

Despite needing to get up early again tomorrow, hit the red zone again. orz

-

Dec. 17

I woke up a bit after 8AM, today.

First, and intermittently the last day of the SNOWFIGHT ‘19. This day, I had 149 snowballs thrown at me, and I dodged 169 of them (including some catch-up from older posts).

I dodged all 400 snowballs thrown at me, for this event (if it were burpees, I might’ve dropped out earlier!) I let a lot of my stock melt by the end... but, I managed to spend more than half of the ammunition I had on other Bees (434/802)! Yay for spreadsheets, my dudes.

Second, today’s DD. 1′ plank punches with EC. I counted 44 punches thrown in the time given and enjoyed that punching part the most. I definitely could've used some more sleep, though! :,D

Third, Day 17 of the ‘19AC. 1′ knee balance hold  (back arch balance hold). Not much to say other than I love this exercise!

Fourth, Day 10 of the FCP. Abs & Core, Level 3. I think “keep the plank throughout” was a typo, since there was only one plank in the whole sequence. But overall, it was pretty fun.

Fifth, Day 21 of the KMC. 100 double side kicks. Did it in 50/50, in one go... more or less, a computer alarm did go off and interrupt it for a few seconds. But that was largely a consequence of doing it way too damn late.

Last, Day 21 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hangs. Pretty manageable work. Even though I don’t like disrupting my schedule so badly - this was merciful given my energy levels.

I was so exhausted by the end of it, that I didn’t get around to DGC but did get to bed in the yellow zone again.

-

Dec. 18

I woke up proper about 1PM, today. :P

Mostly wound up  on the unusual business... and getting back on Steam. So I wound up not getting around to making dinner and exercising very late. Maybe it’s from some jet lag from having to run on too little sleep 2 days in a row. T_T

First, today’s DD. 15 diamond push-ups with EC. Still think my form for this variation is consistently better than standard grip. Have no idea why, but I'm not complaining! :P

Second, Day 18 of the ‘19AC. 1′ one arm plank, 30″/30″ in one go. Tough, but largely because I chose not to put the timer on the floor. :/

Third, Day 11 of the FCP. Tendon Strength. This was pretty challenging too, but that’s tendon strength work for you. Did feel pretty nice afterwards, though.

Fourth, Day 22 of the KMC. 140 turning kicks + 140 turning kicks. Split the kick types into 2 sets, with a pretty short rest (probably about ~20″.)

Fifth, Day 22 of the DHC. 1′20″ dead hang. I'm at a point where I know I can't expect to keep one-shotting things. But I am noticing progress. My first set was a full 1'! Those last seconds were pretty tense - as my left hand was failing before my right - I managed to beat my PB!

Last, Day 20 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That Grandma got me to that appointment in time, earlier this week.

That my therapist managed to take a bit of time to check-in before we went into the assessment and service plan work.

[Retroactively, from Jan. 1 - ] for how good peppermint is in coffee.

After jotting most of this down, I went to bed, a bit late.

-

Dec. 19

I woke up around 8AM, today.

Got to the facility, socialized and worked on some more art before going to WRAP and Grounding Grps. Also while there, I did today’s DD. 50 squat hold side bends with EC. Did this one wile I was out at the facility, today. I had fun with it! 

Got home, did a lot of the usual for some hours until getting the rest of my exercise taken care of.

Second, Day 19 of the ‘19AC. 2′ side leg raise hold. This took some doing, but I’m just glad I got through it.

Third, Day 12 of the Fit Christmas Program. Challenge, 200 high knees. I split this into 2 sets of 100, after a warm-up of a few march steps. Manageable, if a bit winding.

I’m pretty happy with my foray with this short and sweet program. It was nice to be able to Level 3 (for the relevant days), one-going the Tendon Strength, and doing most of the Challenge Days in no more than 2 sets (jumping jacks and high knees).

Fourth, Day 23 of the KMC. 3x 20 slow side kicks + 20 fast side kicks. Also doable work - takes a bit more focus to deliberately do slow kicks.

Last, Day 23 of the DHC. 2x10″ dead hangs. Given lack of sleep, I liked the timing for an easier day. Not much else to really say other than that.

I think because tired and distracted... didn’t do the DGC stuff. Again. And I STILL got to bed too damn late again. :I

-

Dec. 20

I got up  about 2PM, today. Oops.

Did a bit of the usual as well as some errands, trying on a binder, and doing a bit of impromptu sewing, before exercising.

First, today’s DD. 1′ flutter kicks with EC. I'm pretty sure I managed to hit 100 reps by the time was up. I made the effort to keep lower back flush against floor - so that engaged my abs so much more and took some willpower by the end.

Second, Day 20 of the ‘19AC. 1′ get-up hold. Did the 30″/30″ in one go. Definitely a challenge, I did get to trembling and had to be mindful of how much tension occurred in my hamstrings. But I got through it, without leg cramps or anything.

Third, Day 24 of the KMC. “14 balance kicks side & turning both each leg, no putting your foot down.“ This took a bit of focus, but I’m still doing pretty well for these days of the challenge.

Fourth, Day 24 of the DHC. 1′30″ dead hang. I managed it in ~4 sets (55"+20"+10"+5"; give/take a couple seconds.) That was pretty intense! Though I didn't meet my PB, I'm just happy I was able to hold on for at least 50" in the first set. Left hand keeps failing a bit faster than the right and my forearms felt like jelly afterwards. Pffft!

Last, Day 21 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

For the recent days my bro has been doing the dishes for me - I have been more distractable lately.

For iced coffee drinks, like those from Dutch Bros.

For guacamole. Because that is the shit in burritos and sandwiches. :U

I’m going to go ahead and post this now, draft the next week’s post, and attempt to wind down. It’s almost 5AM. 8I

[thehiddensemicolon]

Kacchako fanfic: New Prey Chapter 5

The two teens finally stopped kissing, when they noticed the sun was going down. Both decided it was time to head back to the dorms before it was dark. ~~~Outside the dorms~~~ "Bakugou thank you for taking me out on a date. I really enjoyed myself today." She smiled. "Yeah well fucking get used to it." He said. Her eyes opened wide and smiled. "When I decided to take you out on a date. I told myself that I would force you to go on one date with me. If you liked it then I would ask you on another fucking date. If you didn't like it, will atleast I fucking tried right. But I knew that you would fucking love it, cause who doesn't want to fucking hang out with the number one future hero." He said. "Oh am sure hundreds of girls would be crawling on their knees for a chance to be with you. " she joked. "But I only need one girl by my side. A girl like you. What do you say Angel face? And don't give me a fucking unsure "I'll think about it" answer! I won't have it. Just give it to me straight. Be my girlfriend. " he told her. His red eyes was filled with determination and was serious.  He gulped and the silence was killing him. It was starting to make him lose his confidence and a pounding feeling in his chest was going all crazy. Fucking say something. She began messing with her fingers and her naturally pink cheeks felt red. Her eyes filled with confusion. Like she was in a battle against herself. I do feel something with Bakugou. I know that he is mean to others and has a huge ego. But some part of me doesn't mind it. He acts differently with me than he does with everyone else. She thought. She noticed how he was scrubbing his palms on his clothes. Which was a sign of nervousness. He was glaring a hole through her head and looked like the suspense was killing him. "Yes... yes I would like to date you." She said with a voice filled of innocence. She walked up to him and gave him a hug. He hugged her back. "Fucking finally, the suspense was kicking my ass." He smiled. ~~~the next day~~~ Ring ring ring her phone was vibrating 12pm in the evening Uraraka woke up to her cell phone ringing. She looked to see who was calling and it was Deku. Deku?? Why is he calling me? Did he figure out about Bakugou and I? She thought. "Hello?" -Uraraka "Um hi Uraraka! How was your morning?" -Deku "Uhh let's see I suppose it was great. Haha I just woke up. " -Uraraka "Oh am sorry I didn't mean to wake you up! I was just wondering something." -Deku "What is it?" -Uraraka Silence "I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with Iida and I. We thought we should all hang out and take a break. Before school is back tomorrow." -Deku "Oh ookay well I'll get ready. Meet you outside the dorms?-Uraraka "Yes that would be fine." -Deku "Okkie dokkie! See you then." - Uraraka. Beep! The phone call ended. Deku POV It's so hard to talk to her. Girls in general are. She even made me sweat and am not even around her! I wonder what happened with Bakugou and her on fridays party. They never came back. And yesterday too I didn't see her or him. What happened at that party? Did Kacchan say hurtful words to her? Is she upset. Is that why she didn't come back to the party? I guess I'll ask her about it. I don't like it when she is sad. He thought. Bakugou POV He woke up at 8 am sharp. Did his normal routine until he got a text from Kirishima. "Yo Bakugou do you wanna go to the movies today at 12. The guys and I got tickets. What do you say?" - Kirishima Bakugou read the text and grunted. He responded. "Fuck off redhead. " - Bakugou "Aww come on enjoy life every now and then. I bet you're not even doing anything. Come on dude. You never know you might meet a girl 😎" - Kirishima. "Fuck you I ain't going to hang out with extras." - Bakugou. "Come on you scared to show your face because your worried people will recognize you. You know the 'boy who was attacked by a slime villain'. It cool then." -Kirishima "I AINT FUCKIN SCARED OF NO BITCHES. FUCK YOU FINE ILL GO TO THE FUCKIN MOVIE ASSHOLE. NOW STOP BOTHERING ME BEFORE ILL KILL YOU." - Bakugou "Alrighty then! Meet us at the movies at 12ish 😂" - Kirishima. Man fuck these guys. I ain't no pussy. I wonder how Uraraka is. Fuck these guys are gunna be snooping into my fucking life again. Fuck them. They don't need to know about us for now. He thought ~~~Time skip to 12 pm at the theaters ~~~ "Yo Bakugou glad you could make it." - Kirishima "Shut the fuck up." - Bakugou said. "Whoa Bakugou chill out! Today is going to be awesome!" - Kaminari Uraraka POV I met up with Deku and Iida outside the dorms and we started to walk to the theaters already. "Uraraka how was your evening this weekend. I admit I was worried about what happened to you at the party when Bakugou made you against your will participate with him with his dare. What happened if I may ask?" - Iida "Oh nothing happened. We were just quite the whole time. Then I felt tired and went home to sleep." - she lied. "Are you sure? You have been acting different Uraraka. If Kacchan did anything to you or said anything you can tell us." - Deku "Yes am sure nothing happened. " she remarked "Okay than. Will just for future situations, if he says anything to you don't take it serious okay. That's just how he acts towards people." - Deku "Really am fine Deku don't worry about it. " - Uraraka said. "Well all that matters is that your fine Uraraka and that you-" Iida stopped. His phone rang. "Please excuse me." - Iida. Everyone stopped right in front of the theaters and watched as their friend returned. "My apologies everyone. There seem to be a family matter I must attend to immediately. Go on to the movies without me. Maybe we can come another time together. But please don't let me affect the rest of your day." - he said. Then left the two teens by themselves. "Okay then have a good day Iida." Both of them said. "Well.. the movies doesn't start till about 20 minutes. We can just wait inside. " - Deku "Alright!" She said. Then her phone vibrated suddenly. It was a text from Bakugou. The text read. "Hey." From her new boyfriend. Hey? Haha maybe he isn't used to texting a girl. She giggled. "Hey Katsuki! How was your day?" She texted. "... it sucks. Am out with the guys today. How about you." - Bakugou texted. Deku POV "Um Uraraka do you want to start finding seats already?" He said. But he didn't hear a response. He looked over his shoulder to see his friend texting. This is awkward. Am alone with Uraraka. A girl. Going to watch a movie. Alone. Like a... like a date. He gulped. She is making me nervous. Especially cause she is texting. What am I supposed to do? "Yo Midoriya! Funny seeing you here what's up man." - kaminari said. Uraraka POV I was about to respond to Bakugou's text when I suddenly saw my classmates. Including Bakugou. As kaminari and Kirishima walked their way to talk to Deku. A frowning Bakugou followed. Looking pissed. No ones POV "Hi kaminari and Kirishima. Are you guy going to watch a movie too?" -Deku "Yup were in room 7 at 12:30." -Kirishima "Really same as us. Uraraka and I were going to watch that movie too." -Deku "Just you two? So you're on a date? My man!" - Kirishima From the sidelines a very angry Bakugou hissed and looked like he was trying to contain himself from killing someone. Bakugou looked at Uraraka with a confused and pissed off look. She immediately texted Bakugou. ~~~Text: ~~~ "Am sorry! I was going to tell you I was going to the movies with my friends. Iida left on us on the last minute!" -  Uraraka Bakugou looked at his phone and his face softened up- just a little bit. He texted her back. "Okay but next time fucking tell me sooner. I almost beat up The nerds ass." - Bakugou "Okay I will. Will I'll try my best to not make it obvious we're dating." - Uraraka "Okay good. I don't want those fucking extras know we are dating. Then I'll never hear the end of it. " - Bakugou. ~~~Back to conversation~~~ "No this is not a date! I mean I know it looks like it but it's not. You see there was three of us, but then Iida left and then it was just the two of us and we got here and..." - Deku stumbled. It was clearly obvious he was shy about the dating topic. He was shaking and his face was as red as a tomato. "Okay okay we get it. Will do you wanna sit next to each other in the movie! We can share snacks." - kaminari "S-sure!" - Deku "Uraraka I hope you don't mind watching the movie with the guys." - Deku "I don't mind at all."  Uraraka said. She smiled briefly at Bakugou. The teens went walking to get their seats to watch the movie. The order was Kaminari, Kirishima, Bakugou, Deku, and Uraraka. That was until someone changed it. Does Deku fucking believe that I'll let him have angel face to himself! Fuck him! That nerd better back the fuck off. She is my girlfriend. Bakugou thought. "I always fucking sit on the last chair in the row losers. Because if the movie is shitty then it's easier to fucking leave and do something more productive of my time. Got that Deku." Bakugou growled. Bakugou red eyes looked like he was serious and wants to explode someone. He was cracking his knuckles and grinned. "O-okay Kacchan! You can have the last seat." - Deku The order was now Kaminari, Kirishima, Deku, Uraraka, and Bakugou. The movie began and the room went pitch black. The movie they picked was a scary movie. Deku's eyes were wide open looking at the blood. He was nervous but tried his best to contain himself. I don't want Uraraka thinking am a wimp! He thought. Fucking loser. Bakugou thought when he saw Deku. Bakugou wasn't affected by this movie what so ever. He looked at it with a straight face in boredom. So looked at his side to see his girlfriend eyes opened wide. Ha is she a chicken when it comes to scary movies? To looked at her again to see that she wasn't scared. In fact she was actually looking like she was really into the movie. A girl who isn't scared of scary movies? Nice, my girlfriend isn't a sissy. She is full of surprises. He smiled. The movie was at a climax. The whole room was silent but anxious to find of what happens. It was a suspenseful scene of life and death. And he felt a Warm hand grab his. He immediately knew who it was as gripped her hand harder. He moved her hand to his mouth and quickly kissed it and put it back down. He looked to his side and noticed Uraraka's smile. Trying to have a secret relationship is fucking hard. I hope next time it's just us. Better take note to make that happen next time. He thought.

[stemcelltransplant-blog]

Sunday, March 27th, 2017

Was gonna start at around 8pm today. After spending like 3-4 hours on the first entry yesterday, I definitely wanted to start earlier. Alas, I was too tired and slept some more but now I'm awake so I'm hoping to just focus and write my lovely scrambles.

 Got lots of good reactions to my first entry yesterday. I have three versions of this now but I want to do a project to make a just personal website (not with my overdue website).

Nurse just came in! Done for tonight! No random interaction sayings for tonight. Sad. :( 

Daddy about to sleep. Love him <3 

Today. Long yet short. It's weird. I'm trying to think of things to say but it's such a blur from sleeping on and off.

It's a weird kinda feeling. When you sleep on and off all day, it just feels like a dream. Everything's faded, foggy.

 So today, I woke up. Lol. Such a boring being. 

Well, really I didn't wake up. I actually was awake all night. Stupid awake brain. I wouldn't stop thinking all night. Tried EVERYTHING. No electronics. Watching a show. Reading an article. Then I made the mistake. I opened my computer and started working. I was obsessed with trying to format a blog online (which would have been fine to just do over a few days). You can actually tell I was awake from all of my posts on Facebook. Then, there was this thing on Facebook I was trying to fix. I wanted my link in my post to show in the link preview box thingy so it would look organized. Spent a few hours just trying to fix it on my iPad which would have been easier on my laptop but for some reason I was too lazy to pick up my laptop. Felt that working on iPad gave might make it easier to go to sleep.

So then Nadine came in the morning.

See, now I'm starting to remember my day. Let the rambling begin!

Nadine is my nurse. So actually the nurses change a few times a day here. i get old and new nurses. It's annoying in a way. I'd rather just have a personal nurse because then they don't have to ask the same questions everyday, constantly check vitals, check heart rate and lungs, etc. On the bright side, I get to meet new people. But occasionally you'll get a the nurse who keeps you up all night or keep forgetting to do things.

Did I mention that I'm on contact isolation? Any time a nurse comes in, they have to gown up in protective gear. Also on respiratory isolation so they have to wear a mask. And then there's this special hazmat suit thingy they wear for my hazardous drugs. It doesn't bother me but I feel bad for the nurses. If they forgot something outside the door, they have to take off their gown to leave the room. And then put another one on when coming back it. Often, they'll just shout out the corridor to have another nurse get something for them. Now the door keeps opening and closing. Lots of noise.

Ugh. Papa forgot to get me a drink for the night. Wondering the quietest way to call for a drink without waking up papa. Is it better to just call the nurse now  O.o? or to just have water and call when I need more? See, we have call buttons in our rooms for when we need something. Problem is, they're loud. It'll wake Papa up in the morning. Right now, I'm probably bothering him with my typing and the light from my laptop (he'll occasionally move or ask if I'm ok or tell me to sleep). The only way I know he's really asleep is when he snores. 

Pee. Thinking I have to pee. Don't want to get up. Lazy. Papa will definitely hear me. 

Ok, getting up now. Be right back.

Nurse just came in. Have to renew my blood type and screen. Blood draw. Luckily have a triple lumen central line. No poking, prodding, sticking.

Loving this nurse. She scrubs the hub for thirty seconds. Central lines get infected easily so when the end is left open, there's always a chance for infections. Nurses are supposed to scrub the end with alcohol wipes for thirty seconds for optimal sanitizing. 

See, I'm very cautious and aware of my own health care. People take health for granted. Having an illness changes your perspective on almost everything. After having colitis for more than four years now, my life has changed significantly in small ways that I've become thankful for the weirdest of things. Restrooms around every corridor. Standing straight. Strong bones. Stable hands. Strolling through places. Being able to hold my potty. Etc.

Stomach rumbling but not feeling hungry. To drink calories or not.

Warning: gross illness technicalities. This is actually really important in this transplant right now. Calories. Intake and output (amount of stool and urine for output and what I drink for input).. Since getting GVHD of the gut, I've been on a bowel rest. I went about four weeks without any food. Doctors measured stool output to check on how bad the GVHD is. Really bad gut GVHD has four liters of stool  output a day.  Without eating. I came back to the hospital with over a liter of stool. My doc says that's about a 6 on a 1-10 scale of how bad the GVHD is. No idea what a normal output is.  So then they started to add medications. Spent three weeks just adding different drugs. With no food. Just water with medicine. Having alternating good and bad stool days. Docs are looking for less than five hundred stool before adding anything to eat or drink. Worst days during the three weeks were when stool got to goals and I started weening off of steroids (to lower my drug with it's bad side effect of a higher rick for infection)

Supposed to be asleep right now.

 Warning: more gross technicalities. What happened? Went from 200 mg to 150 mg a day. Was fine. Goes down to 50 mg per day. FLARE. Pooping more than a liter of stool again. From less than five hundred mg stool to over a liter in a day. Absolutely horrible.

 Took another week to recover after increasing steroids to 150. First two days of pooping every 30 minutes. Finally, stool was at goals for a couple of days after another week. Weening off steroids again. So scared.

Tomorrow starts day 94 post-transplant. Was supposed to be going home at day 100.

Weening of steroids again:

Day 1:Went down 10 mg.

Day 2: So far so good.

Day 3: Add a clear liquid item. Chose cherry Italian fruit ice.

Day 4: Down 15 mg. Goes well.

Day 5: One clear liquid. Chicken broth.

Kept asking if I could have one or two items, does it matter if they're the same item. So excited to finally be eating! :D

Day 6: Two items. Broth and fruit ice to be cautious.

Day 7: Down 15 mg.

Day 8: Add another item.

Basically now, down 15 mg and adding items every 1-2 days.

Point was? To explain why it's important how many calories I intake. All because I'm deciding what to drink now that I can finally eat. 

Ok, so back to today. Nadine came in for morning blood draws. Asked how was my night. Said I slept well. She had come in the middle of the night to check up on me. Tots knew that something was up. My dad started to wake up and asked how my night was. I tell him the truth. Don't know why. Stayed up all night. Brain wouldn't turn off. Now, Nadine says, "I knew something was up when you said you slept. I could just tell that you didn't sleep." LOL. Guess who's in trouble? Haha. No, we were just joking around. Fun memories.

The rest of the day is a blur again. So, it's a Sunday. That means not too much medicine wise. Also, everyone is gone so not too many visitors. I get my morning meds and everything. Still on clear liquids diet. I think I just caught up on sleep until going on pass.

Went to apartment. Was trying to go see the wonderful cherry blossoms. SO EXCITED. It's peaking right now. But we got a call from the photographer we really enjoyed that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday afternoon would work to go and take pics. Hard decision. Decided to stay at apartment and just chill.

Sleep. Wonderful. That's all I did. Back to NIH.

Then we see one of my favorite nurses. NEED MOE for night nurse. Too late to request. Why???? I need to request her for tomorrow.

Still tired. Needed to start earlier on writing. Told myself to nap for an hour and write. Slept until about 10. in and out until 11. Tots awake. 11:45 dad wants to sleep. Tells me to sleep. Secretly keeps journaling until 2 am.

Now closing laptop and sleeping. Wish I had more to say. Good night.

[alicedoessurveys]

110 Questions

1. Are you “with” the very last person you kissed?

nope, never was

2. Ever kissed a someone with the name Casey, Tyler, Ryan, Jordan or Colton?

Nope

3. Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or lying down?


sitting in a car

4. Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? nope nope nope

5. Are you excited for anything?


Seeing impractical jokers next week

6. Do you hate the last person you kissed?


not hate, just indifferent I guess

7. You’re stuck in an elevator with one of your worst enemies, what do you do?

don’t really have any enimies but if I did id just pretend they don't exist

8. Will this weekend be a good one?


Hopefully

9. Do you have a friend that is a complete and total flirt around everyone?


Not anymore

10. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?


HA! Nope

11. Are you mad at someone right now?


nope

12. Do you like to listen to the radio in the car?


Yeah I don't like driving in silence

13. Do you sleep with a fan on?


nope

14. How is your hair right now?


alright, I washed it today so I’m in a good mood with it  

15. Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?


My sisters dogs

16. Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else?


nope

17. How many windows are open on your computer?


two

18. How tall are you?


5 ft something

19. Is something bothering you?


my skin is itchy

20. Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before?


Ew no

21. Have you ever laughed at something that wasn’t meant to be funny?


A lot, I laugh when I'm nervous which is most if the time

22. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex “Fuck you”?


yeah but he's my best friend so he just laughed at me

23. Do you like to cuddle?


Yah! :)

24. Have you done anything sneaky lately?


nope.. o.O

25. Is your hair clean?


yup

26. Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?


Idk I was asleep

27. Were you happy when you woke up today?


I'm never happy when I wake up :’) though I did wake up laughing

28. What are you drinking right now?


water

29. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?


yes

30. Did you reject or accept your last friend request?


reject cause it was a random

31. How many people have feelings for you?


NONE

32. Have you ever been cheated on?


never been in a relationship so nope

33. Are you hard to please?


Don't think so

34. What are you craving right now? Cherry coke

35. How are you feeling right now?


thirsty, and my head feels cloudy

36. What are you sick of?


Me haha

37. Are you missing anyone/something? 


yup, but I know its just cause this survey made me think about them and if I did start taking to them again I would regret it

38. Do you love the last person you called?


yeah

39. Could you date someone taller than you?


Yes please

40. Is there anybody you just wish would fall of the planet?


a few yeah  

41. Did you hold hands with anyone today?


no

42. Do you wear glasses?


yes

43. Where did you sleep last night?


my bed

44. Do you straighten your hair?


When I can be arsed yeah

45. What color shirt are you wearing?


Burgundy/purple

46. Do you have a best friend?


yup

47. Do you wish you had the chance to tell someone something right now?


a little bit idk

48. Who is the last person you got a text from?


my sister

49. Are you texting anyone?


I just sent a text to the group chat

50. Are you excited for winter?


It's only Spring so not yet

51. When are you at your happiest? 


when I'm asleep

52. Do you find that you’re attracted to people who aren’t “right” for you? 


yeah cause they're always people who don't know I exist

53. Is there anything you wish you did today? Why haven’t you done it? 


Had a life. Because I'm a moron.

54. Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? 


indoors

55. What were you doing before you started this survey? 


doing a different survey

56. Can you honestly say that you love yourself? 


no way

57. Apart from family how many people have you kissed? 

Apart from family.. One. But i didn't want to

58. Do you just feel awkward when you dance? 


yeah but I love dancing

59. Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset?

 
yeah for sure

50. Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?

not particularly

51. Do you own a pair of uggs?


nope

52. What are your plans for tomorrow?


get my nails done

53. Has the person you have feelings for ever told you that you’re attractive?


i don’t have feelings for anyone atm other than celebs so nope

54. Can you get over people easily?


depends who it is and how I feel about them

55. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?

nope nope nope

56. How was your weekend?


its the weekend tomorrow

57. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?


Yeah like 3 people

58. How do you feel right now?


tired

59. Do you hide your feelings or show them?


hide them

60. Do you like to have long hair or short hair?


short, use to be long but I had it cut shoulder length last week & its so much better 

61. What is the last thing you cooked today?


beans and sausage on toast  

62. What do you always take with you?


my phone

63. Have you dated the person you texted last?


nope

64. Is good grammar attractive?


not really but bad grammar is unattractive

65. Last person you drove around in a car with?


parents

66. Do you think relationships are hard? 


I wouldn't know

67. What color pants are you wearing?


pants as in knickers or pants as in trousers..? Knickers are black and trousers are grey

68. What are your plans for tonight?


Sleep

69. Any friends who are constantly venting about their boyfriend? 


nope

70. Have you ever been ice-skating?


yah

71. Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? 


Yes!! Its so cosy and relaxing, especially in a tent or caravan or when I used to sleep in the loft

72. Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? 


yeah I went to school with someone who was albino

73. Do you like Fuze drinks? 


A what?

74. Did the end of Public Enemies make you sad? 


not seen it

75. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? 


What's that?

76. Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm? 


no but I'm very particular about my lipstick

77. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? 


nope

78. Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself? 

Idk I think so yeah if it were life or death situation and definitely if they were threatening my family or pets

79. What’s your most noticeable flaw? 


Me in general

80. And what’s your best feature? 


Eyes

81. Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? 


don’t think so, thank God

82. When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it? 


maybe, depends who or what the situation is

83. Have you ever hallucinated? 


Don't think so

84. Do you find serial killers fascinating? 


Nope

85. Do you like Young the Giant? 


don’t know what that is

86. Is your hair damaged? 


it was only cut last week so nope

87. Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs?


no

88. Who was the last person you threw out of your life?


Idk

89. Are you wearing socks?


for a change nope, I normally do

90. Do you regret something you did yesterday?


nope, I can’t actually remember what I did yesterday

91. When was the last time you cried?


last time I remember crying was Christmas Eve

92. Why were you crying?


in a lot of pain

93. Whats the last thing you ate?


Chocolate

94. What kind of bottoms are you wearing?


grey jogging bottoms

95. How many windows are open on your computer?


I swear I already answered this..

96. What do you hear right now?


the tv

97. How many hours did you sleep last night?


9 ish

98. Is something bothering you right now?


just me

99. Who’s the last person you talked on the phone with?


grandad

100. In the past week have you gotten sick?


nope, I don't know how I've managed to avoid it cause pretty much everyone is ill 

101. In the past week have you felt stupid?


Don't think so

102. In the past week have you got your hair cut?


yeah

103. What were you doing at 9 AM this morning?


sleeping

104. In the past week have you felt sad?


yeah

105. Has someone disappointed you recently?


nope

106. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?


Yup

107. If you could pack up and move, would you?


Yes. If I could move to bournemouth yes

108. Do you hate when people smoke around you?


Yeah

109. Who have you texted in the last 24 hours?


sis, and Addison & Rhys

110. What are you going to do now this survey is over?

 probably do another one haha

[wonderlusting16]

Dec 25-30

Dec 25 MERRY CHRISTMAS. weird why are my clothes soaked. Weird why is my purse wet. WEIRD WHY IS MY PHONE WET. oops. Off and on working. Ish. FaceTimed the family to open Casey’s presents she gets so excited about presents. Cutest thing in the world and hated not being there. Then I got ready and said goodbye to Koh Tao. Insane rough ferry to Koh Phangan. Sat in the wrong seat outside and got soaked. Soooooo wavy it was awesome. Taxi to treechart hostel. As I’m pulling away I see Lisa walking around heeeeeeeey!!! Get to hostel and meet up with her there. So good to see her. We met some people there, and our roommates. Went to the bar and met a bunch of people. Played some games and let me tell you. Still reigning champ at the box game hello free bucket. then went out with them to a huge beach party it was amazing. Sooooo much fun. Got back with the few last people who stayed out around 8 am ahhh!!!!!! Shit. Swam at pool cuz that’s what I do. Then went to bed. Merry Christmas.

Dec 26 wow. I slept until 530. PM. Jesus mother Mary. Wtf. Finally slipped out of bed around 8, Lisa and I got the best burger of our lives then back to bed. That was that. Rough night. (Still no phone but currently in rice)

Dec 27 today I woke up pretty sick. Not hangover sick, but like flu sick. Really really ill. No idea what was going on... I didn’t sleep longer than 20 min. It was awful. I felt so bad Lisa wanted to explore the island. I took a nap, my friend coaxed me out of bed to play some cards, Lisa came back from beach and as I felt a bit better we went to the night market for dinner with my roommates. Yum yum yum love night markets. We attempted to get some beers at the bar but both still felt exhausted and me sick... tried to stay up past 10 but nope couldn’t do. Back to bed. Watched movies. Again. Absolutely no sleep

Dec 28 & December 29 fuck. Didn’t sleep again at all and felt so much worse. Pulled myself out of bed at 7 and walked to the hospital. Good thing it’s close cuz it was raining. Checked myself in. Hospital was brand new, very nice. Some Europeans. Everyone spoke good English. Was very quick to get me in. Tests done. I started crying after those tests my god were they rough. Laying in a hospital bed not being able to breathe talk eat sleep for 48 hours. Took over me. Especially after fuckinf up my iv, shoving qtips up to my brain. Yuck. Hit me and I broke down. Didn’t have wifi at that time couldn’t tell Lisa where I’d left or say bye to some roommates. Finally tests come back I have strep throat, tonsillitis and low potassium meaning very dehydrated. I get moved around a bit. Not really told how long I’m here but once they put me in this 4 star private room I’m guessing not leaving soon. I start getting pumped with meds and IVS and everything. Find out three free meals a day and the food is GOOD no lie. Room is so nice. Better then most my hostels I’ve been in lol. I pass out ASAP. Wake up to try and figure out the insurance shit... spend the next 2 days 2 nights sleeping eating med changing reading watching tv. Then decided since my plans are now fucked I need to do some travel plans. Spent 6 hours on that!

Dec 30. Wake up early hoping praying begging I can leave today please. I need to catch a boat to Koh Samui I need to book tickets and hostels and agh I’m stressed out. Currently 9am laying in bed waiting for breakfast. Then I can shower and talk to the dr. I am waiting for two things before I can leave. Drs ok and the ok from insurance to their billing department that they will pay. I can’t leave the hospital until these happen and I am stressed the fuck out it won’t happen til tonight or tomorrow. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve...... I am so restless. More updates soon

[carmenhekima]

Arrival: I arrived late around 8:15pm. I was picked up by Alex (the taxi driver). Alex is 22 and believe he is aspiring to be a planter or something. But for now he is a driver.The drive from the airport to kisieran was about 30-40 minutes. I passed Mama Ndinda house and it brought back so many memories. I am excited to see them soon. From Ngong to Kiersian is about 20 miles give or take I’m not sure. When I approached the green gate, I believe it was Steven that was there at the gate ready to greet me! He welcomed me with a huge smile and a Karibu. I then met Jenny, the incoming director who was waiting for my outside in the cold. She was very welcoming and gave me nothing but smiles. Once I entered the guest house I met three ladies from Erie. Stacey, Katie, and Jennifer. They are in hopes of starting their own Non-Profit. They are donating tablets to the girls for educational purposes. This is suppose to help them with their studies and accesses where they need help. Hekima Place is the first home they visited. Day 1:

I was given some personal time so my body could adjust to the time difference. I woke up to Katie, one of the volunteers, cooking us breakfast. After that we walked around the compound and I met baby hope and baby Mercy Medivia. Mercy has never seen white people before so when they approach her she begins to cry. I introduced myself to her she liked me and let me hold her. The mum said I was a lucky one. Then Katie and stacie showed me their tablets that brought over. They brought over 25 tablets for grades 5-8 to play on and get help tutoring. I played the games and they seem great. I think the dilemma is two things: 1. We cannot push western culture onto a group that has not asked for it. And 2. Kate the director does not want to introduce a new element to the program that might deter the girls from the goal. In the US I believe girls and boys in low income neighbors and even unemployed neighborhoods could use this program. But after watching them be engaged with it they loved it. I hope that it goes well. Today I got to meet most of the girls. They are extremely friendly and well mannered. At dinner they danced for us. I believe it was a Somali dance. They sung a prayer too. I hope to better my Kiswahili while I am here.

Day 2.

I woke up at 6am to get ready for 7:30am prayer and staff meeting. I made myself a sandwich and cleaned the dishes. I don’t like bugs so if the kitchen stays clean that means less bugs. I went to the staff meeting. We began with a bible verse from James 3:1-4 afterwards we prayed and started the staff meeting. Mum Kate said today will be going to Smith Hotel with the Mums and the Laura and her daughters will be left behind to take care of the children. Baby Mercy does not like Muzungus (white people) so I would like to see how that goes. I hope that the Smith Hotel has wifi so I can in contact with my family and friends here in Kenya. I talked to Lucy and she said she would come by on Sunday.  

Day 3:

We did not go to the Smith, but we did go out to the Hub. Which is a really expensive mall for tourist and people who have money (so not me). Yesterday I was frustrated because the visitors here from GW keep asking the girls to speak English. This frustrates me because one: the language of the country is Swahili. And they are mad when they girls speak the language of their country like I think when visitors come they should try to learn their language.

Day 4:

We taught the 4-8 how to use the LeapFrog tablets.  I normally get up at 7am for the staff meeting then I ask the mums if the need help with chores. On weekends the girls wake up later and start chores for the house. They do things like clean the kitchen and bathroom, sweep the floors etc.  Like today I washed the dishes with the red house. Then I played soccer with some of the girls. Then in the afternoon I pealed and plucked corn my thumb started to bleed. The other volunteers did not come until the chores were finished. The girls expressed to us how they were bored. Laura one of the members on the board suggested a dance party. This was especially nice because all the girl were home. Some of the girls from university were here and most of the girls from high school were on break. It was a Huge celebration! We had a chocolate Party everyone danced and laughed. Day 5:

Today was long, It began with mass at 11am. we set up the cafeteria like a church and the priest flew in from Tanzania. The sermon itself was not long but the formalities were long, like prayer and the songs. After that we had some time to relax but not much because we had to transform the cafeteria into a celebration ceremony. Some of the Kenyan board arrived and almost all of the staff was there. Once we began, it lasted until dinner time. all the house sung songs and the older presented speeches. They even choose me to speak and I've only been her for five days! I was really nervous. After the ceremony we had dinner and finally went to sleep. Day 6:

I woke up early to teach preschool. Todays lesson was about recognizing number. After that we had to train the house mums on how to use the tablets and set the child protection settings. At the end of the night Laura and her daughters left there were only here for about 3 days it was not long. But they have been to Hekima before.

Day7:  

Today was relaxed, I woke up late then went into town to one of the local malls. I had KFC which probably wasn’t the best choose for my digestive system but at least I had a taste of home (sort of). Then I came back to prepare the actual tablet pilot to allow the girls to see them. One of the volunteers had an emergency at home which caused her a lot of stress. Jenny friend also had an emergency which caused her to leave the compound. But Laura (Hekima board member) said she would write me a recommendation letter so thats nice. I’ve learned that networking is not that hard. Ms. Laura just saw my work ethic and pulled me to the side and told me how impressed she was with me.

Day 8:

I went into town with Edith and Ruth we took about 6 Matatu altogether. Things I noticed was that gas is 99 cents here but really lower than that because of the conversion. Once we arrived into town I got touched like 3 times, once I was called a Muzungu then one guy tried to touch my arm to get my attention. It made me quiet angry because I’m use to having my own space and for the most part being respected. In town we attended a play.Of course we missed the one in English so I watched a Play in Swahili, I was surprised because I understood some of it. I managed to follow along. It was really intense. It was about abortion, domestic violence, college. Several pressing issue that plague this country. Afterward it started to rain and we needed something to eat. So we went to Big Square. I got Fish and Chips (fries) . The others got chicken and chips. After, while walking in the rain we Sam (the driver) and he didn’t pick us up, that was unfortunate because I was cold and it was raining. But Jenny picked up us in Ngong at the mall. This morning I taught Preschool and they are learning to spell their names. Since that cut short because of the trip to Nairobi. I gave them biscuits. They were so happy.

June 23-25:  

This weekend I went out with some friends I met from my last trip we went to a rugby game. I ran into some of my friends I made last year. It was like a reunion. There's some days, I never want to leave this place. Its truly a paradise. The only things I would change is the convenience of little things like reception wifi everywhere. Knowing the lay of the land. But I love Kenya. Im learning more Swahili everyday. I could see myself living here. Sometimes I consider it. The other girls. Katie, Stacey and Jess left for Uganda but there are coming back! June 26:When I returned to Hekima Place I was. Welcomed with many arms. I also met Aku and Bravon they are Jenny friends! Afterwards Maddie, myself and the girls went on a hike and you could see EVERYTHING even the city. It’s so nice. I also braided Tracey’s hair everyone was impressed I knew how to cornrows here they call shiku or something like that.

June 28: 

Today is really cold and rainy, I was to work in the office but because Jenny is working on policy paper work and mum Sophie is gone it looks like I will be doing my own thing today. Dilemma, I really want to make a trip to Mombasa! We shall see I’m not sure the next time ill be able to come back. Time goes fast here I only have 3 more weeks. It was uneventful today. I mostly colored. It was also very cold like winter almost. I might work in the kitchen. Today they have slaughtered chickens. But I did not want to see. Tomorrow we are suppose to do the inventory for clothes and donations. Which should be all day, at least it’s not the shamba or animals so I’m kind of happy. Although I was suppose to have personal time Friday we are going out to elephants and bead factory. Id rather just be allowed to roam myself.  Sometime you can get such tourist aspect of Kenya. I also felt like the house mum I helped with homework made sure some of the littles ones were to bed. Little grace and I even did homework that was ahead so she is free tomorrow.

June 29: 

Today was FUN. First I sorted clothes, there were so many clothes then I helped Maddie cook vegetable pasta. I do not think I introduced Maddie she lives near Pittsburgh and goes to Penn State she is an aspiring doctor and has traveled a lot. After Pasta I read Sisters Solidjah Im at the part where winter loses everything and is pretty much alone. Reading has been so exciting when you have nothing else to do but kill time, I feel like such a book worm. After I read I took a nap. Thought about the movie La La Land and how the couple did not end up together but it was for the best because they would not have lived out their dream. After Rabin, Bravon and Maddie we all cook chapati with egg. Rabin and Bravon are around 27 and 28. It was probably the best thing I’ve had in a long time. It was not soon after the girls were home and we ate dinner. I have pimples, and everyone asks me what's wrong with my face. I think for the most part everyone's skin is here pretty much perfectly smooth like no blemishes. The know what pimples are but I guess they don’t show often. They ask are they mosquitoes bite is it rash. At this point I don’t even get angry over it. I just play it  off. Soon Ill be helping with homework again! Last night I was not feeling well. My stomach was very upset from all the food I ate but it turns out it was just gas

[otherpeoplefeelthis2]

Read this when: you feel like you're failing more than usual at doing life

What I was supposed to do / planned to do today: 1. Wake up early(ish) 2.finish painting the room that I planned to finish painting yesterday 3. Shower and get ready (aka do the bare minimum nessacery to not look homeless in public places) 4. Update my to do list 5. Cash my paycheck 6.Go to the store to find the few remaining things that I need to finish decorating said room once the painting is dry 7. Put together some furniture 8. Finish cleaning the floors 9. Spend time with my girl when she gets home from work (which ideally would be after all of this was done since I should have plenty of time right?)

wrong.

What I have accomplished so far today: 1. Woke up 2 hours later than planned 2. Layed in bed convincing myself to get up for half an hour 3. Sat in bed debating what I wanted for breakfast for another half an hour 4. Drove to McDonald’s half awake to get a smoothie (because their mango pineapple smoothies are everything, just sayin.) 5. Cancelled my plans for tonight and felt bad. But in my defense I really don’t feel well and I have definitely not been very fun to hangout with lately 6. Smoked 3 cigarettes while sitting in my car watching Rose and Rosie videos on YouTube. 7. Decided I needed to take an adderall to get my butt moving 8. Proceeded to sit in my car for 20-30 (definitely 40) more minutes waiting for it to “kick in” and watched one more video while smoking one more cigarette to “pass the time” 9. It is now 1:45pm, I have accomplished nothing, I very well might be in the early stages of developing lung cancer, my girlfriend might be coming home early, and I need to force myself to start my day.

Moral of the story- Mental illness is a bitch. But one time i got a fortune cookie with my chinese takeout that said “be a winner” (yes, seriously) so based on that I am choosing to try to see the positives about today.

Here are a handful of good things about me: -Based on my choice of YouTube content I have a solid sense of humor. -I am possibly the worlds best procrastinator I know of (like world record holding potential) -If you ever want McDonald’s I will always have a good coupon and I pretty much know the menu by heart. So hangout with me and you will save money while developing clogged arteries. (You win some, you lose some) -There is never a dull moment if you date or know me because my days never go as planned (aka at least I’m spontaneous) - Since I always have a to-do list, and I procrastinate so well, and I have such poor time management skills, I will always have more to do tomorrow. This means that I will always be here. I will always have a good intention of waking up and doing better, I will always have hope for a better tomorrow. I will never give up on life, no matter how much I suck at it sometimes. No matter how much it sucks at me sometimes. When I feel like I’m not going anywhere, I remember that I can say it in a different tone that makes it sound more like a good thing Like Hey life, I’m not going anywhere because I will always keep fighting the good fight.

[dont-sneeze]

all of them

[gem-marie-blog1]

Pain and Guilt

I fear that this blog could potentially turn into a whiney, whoa is me fest as I attempt to be as upfront as possible regarding the nuances of my plight.  This is NOT my intention.  I do want this to be a place in which I can be very honest and pull no punches when addressing what I encounter day to day.  I feel at this point I need that if I am to keep my sanity.  However, I do not, in any way, want this to come across as negativity or just a listing of complaints.  If that ever appears to be the direction we are heading, someone PLEASE call me out on it.  I wouldn't want to read that and neither should you. That being said... One of the most difficult symptoms of this disease are the mental tricks I play on myself.  The guilt factor is no joke, y'all!  When you can't do things you want to or should be doing because your body won't cooperate, it can really do a number on you emotionally.  Take today for instance, it is Sunday, a day I both look forward to and dread.  I look forward to it because I love church!  I love seeing my friends and listening to uplifting messages, teaching my primary kids and singing hymns.  I dread it because in my faith we attend church for 3 hours.  No.  You did not misread that.  3 hours!  So, we are a little different.  The problem with this 3 hours of church is that when my pain level is off the charts as it was today, there is just no way I can endure sitting upright on hard chairs for 3 straight hours.  I simply cannot.  Therefore, on a day like today, I have to ask someone else to sit in for me with the children I teach in Sunday school.  Fortunately it was not my week to give the lesson.  But I still needed a sub so that my sweet teaching companion wouldn't be left alone to wrangle our cute, hyper little people.  So I only attended the first hour of church today.  Disappointing. Not ideal.  But, what's a girl to do?  Somedays I just have to concede and know that Lyme won. But.... only this particular battle.  NOT THE WAR! Ok.  A little more about today..... Today was rough.  There is just no other way to put it.  I struggled with pain so intense it wouldn't even show up on that little scale they show you in the doctors office.  I was in tears all morning and then took an uncomfortable and unsatisfying nap this afternoon.  I am just plain exhausted.  Constant pain can really tend to wear a person out. One would think I would be looking forward to bed since I feel as if I could fall asleep while writing this blog post.  However, lying down at night is another action that creates mixed emotions.  Do I want to lie down more than almost anything to take pressure off my joints and not have to move around anymore?  You bet!  Unfortunately, the catch 22 in this situation, is that although my body is telling me to lie down, I will not receive any relief from the pain by doing so.  To the contrary, when I lie down it is as if every nerve ending in my body suddenly goes into overdrive, sending a million little pain messages to my brain.  EVERYTHING starts to hurt.  For the most part, this pain was already present.  It was simply masked by other pain or other things my mind was focusing on.  After all, I am used to being in constant pain.  So, in some ways it becomes like background noise throughout the day.  When I finally lie down with no other distraction it all comes to the forefront and there is no escaping it. Of course, all of that makes sleep a real challenge.  Last night I woke myself up at least 5 times whimpering.  Whimpering y'all!  What am I, a puppy?!  For pete's sake!  I even startled myself awake once because in my dream state I thought I had sat straight up in the bed and screamed, "I can't take this anymore!"  LOL!  This did not really happen but obviously my brain needed to scream.  So it kind of did. I really hope that the rigorous training and detoxing I am about to put myself through starting tomorrow will help me to have less days like today.  I do believe that things will get worse before they get better.  But that is ok with me as long as there is progress. So... Tomorrow's Plan 1) Wake up at 5:00am 2) Morning Juice, Ibuprofen, B12, EmergenC and PH Water 3) Read while kids get ready for school (Failing Forward John C Maxwell) 4) 6:00am Family Scripture Study 5) Work on blog while kids practice piano 6) Drive kids to school at 7:30 7) 8:00am prepare to workout      This will be quite a preparation.  I will need to take with me, to the basement, everything I will possibly need for the next few hours after my workout, as I will likely be stuck down there for a while. When my body temp rises from the workout the lyme bacteria will begin a massive die off.  When they do this they release toxins into my blood stream, which not only make me feel really ill, it exacerbates my lyme symptoms. Typically,  my leg goes numb and I have severe muscle spasms, they are basically like a seizure, causing me to lose control of the right side of my body.  In a nut shell, this girl cannot walk immediately after working out.  Stairs are not happening.  LOL!   So, I am planning ahead to get as comfy as I can, hanging out in the basement floor untilI can control my body again.  I will elaborate further and tell you how it goes in tomorrow's post. 8) Work out (T25) 9) Recovery Drink, Benadryl, Alkaseltzer Gold and Glutathione to help with herx 10) Cold shower as soon as I can physically get in.  This is also for the herx. 11) Water, Water, Water! This is just the morning plan.  I will have to see how the rest of the day plays out as far as dealing with herxheimer reaction and detox methods.  I also have my weekly coaching meeting with my Broker at 1:30.  So hopefully I am in the physical condition to drive into the office for that.  I may show up in sweats.  LOL!  Not sure how that will go over. But we will cross the rest of tomorrow's bridges when we get to them. I am both excited and nervous to start this new program. I really hope it helps and does not kill me!