#to sit at my desk. this being said i am happy ive gotten to do what i have the past couple of days

[peninkwrites]

Part IV: Lines Drawn in Sand & Concrete - Ch 1 of ?

Loyalties shift, lines are drawn, and soon to follow, the grand opening of a casino.

But first, Sam loses a little more.

[CW: descriptions of dead bodies, referenced past abuse, c!Dream]

Crossposted to ao3

Mafia AU masterpost

Part III

Ch 2 - Ant

Ch 3 - Wilbur & Tommy

Ch 4 - Tubbo & Quackity

Ch 5 - Ponk & Sam

Ch 6 - Niki & Wilbur

Ch 7 - Sapnap & Quackity

Ch 8 - Bad

Ch 9 - Tubbo & Quackity

Ch 10 - Wilbur

Ch 11 - Sapnap

Ch 12 - Eryn

Ch 13 - Quackity & Tubbo

Ch 14 - A Collective (all chapters going forward will be on ao3)

~ Ponk & Sam ~

Sam hasn’t been outside of his apartment in weeks. He’d had a hard time finding someone to look after Fran. In a moment of desperation he’d tried calling Foolish, who had always been happy to dog sit before. Instead, he had gotten quiet when he heard Sam’s voice and said “I don’t think I can.  I hope you find someone, though,” in a way that meant he was clearly hoping for Fran’s sake and not Sam’s.  It took a while on his list of friends to finally convince Boomer, the person who lived directly below his and P– his apartment.  He’d agreed to do it for a little cash.  Other than that, Sam had no one coming to check on him.  Sapnap had visited in him in the hospital and seemed genuinely concerned, but his concern didn’t warrant house calls.  He’d taken a cab to the hospital for his follow up; graduating from a wheelchair to crutches had felt like a small victory when the doctor had openly laughed when he asked when he would be able to go back to work again.  Still, crutches restored some of his freedom.  He still had Boomer on the payroll to walk Fran, but other than that he could look after her.  Even if he couldn’t manage a stubborn Samoyed, he could at least go outside again.

If he had anyone to talk to, he would fervently deny that his first destination being his workplace was pathetic.  His job is important; of course he would want to check in.  George had given him a less than sympathetic once over before waving him back towards his office.  Dream doesn’t stand from Sam’s chair when he knocks and enters, merely looks up in mild surprise.

“Sam.  You’re out of the hospital.”  Dream doesn’t look especially pleased by the news.  “Um, glad to see it.  We… we weren’t expecting you back so soon.”  He laughs.  “I mean, you’re obviously not here to work.  What can I…” he trails off, puzzled by Sam’s presence, “help you with?”

Sam ignores the persistent sting of his wounded pride and enters the office without invitation.  It’s his office.  “I thought I should check in on my department, see how you all are holding up without me.”  Sam could sit down.  He’d like to, even with crutches it’s far from easy, but he doesn’t.  He’d rather not sit on this side of his own desk.

Dream raises an eyebrow, gesturing to the office and the rest of the bullpen through the shaded windows.  “I hope I’m running the department to your satisfaction?  I mean, we’ve been busy, I’ll admit, but nothing I can’t handle,” he smiles in a way that maybe is supposed to be reassuring instead of patronizing.

Sam is finally inching toward his original goal of coming here, and after a moment’s hesitation, concedes to almost collapse in the chair nearest, doing his best to lean his crutches against the other chair with a shred of dignity.  Dream doesn’t comment on Sam clearly settling in, merely watches him struggle with something scathing in his annoying little smile.

“You’ve been busy?” Sam refocuses.  “With what?”

“Sam,” Dream sighs, leaning forward, resting his elbows on the desk, fingertips pressed together.  “You’re… technically not in active duty right now.”  He feigns a sympathetic grimace.  “It would be unprofessional of me to share current case information when at the moment you’re…” He gives him a once over.  “Just a civilian.”

Sam sits up and hopes Dream doesn’t see him wince.  “Medical leave does not revoke my title as your superior officer.  If I am telling you to update me, it’s your duty to do so.”

Dream doesn’t blink.  “Well, as acting Captain, in that case, I have the same power you do, as an absent Captain.”  Dream’s tone remains mild and professional.  “Why don’t you take it up with my superior officer?”

“I am your superior officer!” Sam hisses.

Dream is still smiling politely.  “Actually, right now I report directly to the Chief of Police; his deputy, if we’re nitpicking.  I think you have his contact information.”

“Taken, you do realize when I return to my post, I’m not going to forget your disrespect.”  Sam doesn’t know why part of him is not merely angry, there’s fear too, this nagging anxiety growing sharper with every passing moment, like this too is going to slip through his fingertips.

It’s like Dream knows, sensing it like blood in the water.  He leans forward, fidgeting with the name plate for Capt. Sam Warden.  “Do you think you’re going to be fit to return to active duty any time soon, Sam?”

“I guarantee it.”  Sam moves to leave, fearing if he stays another moment he’ll swing his crutch across the desk until Dream bleeds.  He stands too fast and has to catch himself on the edge of a chair, unsteady for just a moment as he rights his crutches.

“Careful there, Sam.”

Sam doesn’t bother with a retort.  He’s halfway out of the bullpen when he stops, turning sharply toward another familiar desk.  There, Sapnap is currently trying to balance a pencil on his nose.

“Halo.”

Sapnap jumps violently, the pencil clattering onto the desk as he fumbles with unfinished paper work there, clearly trying to look like he’d been working on something.  “Y-Yeah? Oh!  Sam!  Uh, Captain, how’s it– You’re here.”  He gives up, turning his chair to face Sam, cheeks red and arms folded to stop himself from embarrassing himself further.  “You, uh.  You look… better.”

“Do you have any recent reports?”

Sapnap glances nervously at his unfinished scramble of reports for his own cases.  “...reports?”

“Pull yourself together, Halo, I’m not here to lecture you.  I’m just… out of the loop, and my replacement over there is… too busy to bother,” is how Sam chooses to carefully phrase it.

“Oh, oh yeah, shit, you don’t know about this whole deal, do you?” Sapnap focuses up slightly, gesturing to the busy hum of the rest of the department.

Sam bottles further irritation.  “Whole deal?”

Sapnap nods fervently.  “Bodies, Sam.  Like, a bunch of ‘em.  We haven’t connected them for sure, like, no one’s released a statement using the s-word yet, but like, that’s my theory right now.”

Sam sighs.  “...s-word?”

“Oh, y’know, serial killer.  The press would lose their minds, and like, technically the only thing consistent with the murders is like, 90% of them had a record of some kind.”

Sam processes this carefully.  “How many?  How many exactly since I’ve been gone?”

Sapnap does some counting on his fingers, mulling it over.  “Somewhere between four and eleven.”

“Four and eleven?  Any reason why the range is so ridiculous?”

“Because, Sam,” Sapnap half laughs, like Sam is being dumb on purpose.  “Only one consistent factor.  So it’s hard to tell what’s just usual gang violence and what’s from our mystery-killer.  And more recently––” Sapnap rummages around his desk, pulling out a file from the bottom of the stack.  “––the bodies aren’t just… y’know, stabbed or beaten up or anything, they’re fucking shredded.”

Sapnap opens the folder and holds out a picture of an autopsy table.  Even in black and white, it’s not a pretty sight.  All the worse that Sam finds it familiar.  He stares in fixated dread at symmetrical cuts on either cheek, in rows until they almost looked like morbid whiskers.  The cuts continue to cover the torso of the body, like red vines grown from underneath skin.  Sam finds it familiar because he’s done it before.   He’s almost surprised that Sapnap hasn’t recognized it, but maybe he should know better.  Bad did everything he could to make sure Sapnap was kept away from the more gruesome aspects of the family business; it’s part of why Sam thinks Sapnap didn’t have the stomach for it in the end.

“And… and how many of the bodies look like that?” Sam asks, hoping the tremor in his voice isn’t obvious.  One more aspect that feels like a secret Sam isn’t inclined to share with Sapnap is that knowing it’s Badlands handiwork, he also can connect why.  Skeppy must still be missing.

“That’s…” Sapnap thinks back.  “Number five, I think.  That looks like that.”  Sapnap glances at the photo and winces, quickly stowing it back in the folder.  “And that’s not the only like… marking stuff going on, sort of.  So, like a month ago, this car got blown up!  It was insane, burst a pipe and shit, busted a hole in the storm drains, but it was right after Schlatt’s funeral, and his like… the obituary thing they pass out, it was stabbed into a telephone pole nearby.  I dunno if the guy responsible was pro-Schlatt or anti-Schlatt or what, but it definitely sends a message.  I mean, we know the car owner was one of Schlatt’s boys, I mean the bomber, I guess.” Sapnap rummages through his paperwork again, more excited now.  “And there’s been more of that graffiti all over the East Side!  The… crime boy thing or whatever.  It showed up after the bodies started turning up–– all the bodies, not just the… weird cut up ones––but that doesn’t mean it isn’t connected, and I think some people might just be nervous, it doesn’t have to be part of some big thing, but a couple petty criminals have actually reported them being attacked, by––get this––a dude in a white mask.  Is that freaky, or what?”

“Halo,” Dream speaks up from the doorway of the office.

Sapnap jumps again.  “Uh, yeah?”

“Can I see you?  In my office?”

Sapnap glances between Sam and Dream.  “Sure..?”  He looks at Sam, as if waiting for a response.

Sam knows Dream interrupted very much deliberately, but he’s not planning on picking another fight.  So he gives Sapnap a nod of acknowledgment.  Sapnap stands with a weary sigh and joins Dream, looking like a kid called into the principal’s office.

“Good to see you, Sam.  Come visit any time,” Dream says before shutting Sam’s own goddamn door in his face.

Sam seethes in the cab back to his apartment.  He can’t stand the thought of returning to staring at the same living room he’d been staring at for a month, so instead he takes a walk.  A slow, uncomfortable, unsteady walk, but a walk nonetheless.  The route is familiar, even if he’s not used to walking it alone.

~

Ponk hadn’t wanted Sam hurt, yes, but they’re not above revenge.  It’s a slow growing thing.  Ponk goes back to work as soon as they can, and finds bitter anger easily as they cannot carry boxes or breathe as deeply.  The doctor couldn’t use a hard cast on their arm, at least for the first few weeks, as she had to redress the burns there too.  She had been honest with them, expressing some mild concerns about the healing process, the lack of rigidity meaning the bone may not heal perfectly, but the alternative risk of irritating the burns concerned her worse, hence, she prioritized.  Their arm would need to be wrapped for the next two months.

It’s harder for Ponk to make their peace with when they can name the man responsible.  Still, they don’t plan on acting, on making any move against Sam, until they actually see him again.

The problem with building a life with someone for ten years only to have it end bloody, is that the two of them share most of their local haunts.  They were bound to run into each other eventually, Sam too careless to realize the damage he could cause and Ponk refusing to give up any more of their world to Sam.

As such, for the first time outside of a police station, a month after the arrest, Ponk sees Sam again near a food truck almost exactly halfway between Eret’s place and their old apartment.  They’re surprised to see he is also in a cast.

“Ponk.” Sam seems just as surprised to see Ponk there.

Ponk’s tone is icy, but undeniably there is still a tremor, however hard they try to bury it.  “Sam.”

“You’re here,” Sam has the audacity to sound wanting.

“Yeah.  I am.  It’s a public street, is it not?” Ponk wishes it were only anger stirring in their chest.

“Right, yeah, of course, I guess I just…” Sam gives them a once over he has no right to.  He clears his throat.  “You… you look good.”

Ponk can’t resist a smile, raising an eyebrow.  “Do I?”  They haven’t forgotten, not really, but there is a brief, undeniable moment where they remember how good it felt to make Sam a little shy.

Sam takes a step forward, Ponk impulsively takes a step back, unbroken arm raised slightly.  Whatever reply Sam had been about to make dies on his lips.  He takes a step back as well.

Ponk hates that Sam could see that they’re still afraid.  This is wrong.  It can’t be like that anymore, they cannot make Sam blush and Sam cannot step closer and nothing can be as it once was.  “You look a bit shit, Sam.”

They meant it with at least a hint of sympathy, however blunt the actual comment was, but Sam takes it to heart, jaw set, shoulders squared, as if he’s trying to make himself bigger.  Sam has no need to make himself look bigger.   Even in a cast, even injured, he physically towers over them.  Ponk is not weak by any means, but they know exactly what kind of damage Sam can do.

“Yeah, I wonder why that is,” Sam says coldly.

That very question finally catches up to Ponk.  “Wait, actually, what the fuck?  Were you in a car accident or something?”

Sam scoffs and for a moment it’s like he’s going to step closer again, it’s his impulse, but he reconsiders out of some cruel version of courtesy towards them.  He leans forward, though, words sharp and bitter.

“Are you really going to act like you don’t know?”

Ponk doesn’t pull away, frustration overtaking fear.  “Know what, Sam?  Go on, say what you’re going to say.”

“Really?” Sam scoffs.  “Fine.  Your little mob buddies?  Is that ringing a bell?  You know what, I knew you could fight dirty, Ponk, but really?”  He’s scathing, the audacity to be self righteous toward them of all people.  “Having three different crime rings break down my door and––and attack me?” He hisses.

“What the fuck are you going on about?!” Ponk snaps.  “Who are you even talking about?  I wasn’t working for a mob when you arrested me.  Why would they––I have no idea what you’re talking about, Sam.”  Briefly, Ponk thinks of Purpled all those nights ago, but he had promised he hadn’t killed Sam.  Well, that part was true.  Ponk continues with the truth.  “I didn’t send anyone after you.”

“Right” Sam huffs, aloof on his crutches.  “They said the same thing, but really.  Sending one hit out on me wasn’t enough, but three?  Do you expect me to believe all those people showed up to––to hurt me just because?  I mean, I used to think lying was beneath you, but I guess that’s not true, is it?”

Ponk turns cold, an icy fury at every sacrifice they made for this man thrown back in their face.  Ponk cannot believe that when they first saw Sam for a brief moment they thought he might apologize.  “Maybe it’s because you’re not a good person, Sam.”

Sam doesn’t quite look surprised, more so curious.  “You don’t think I’m a good person?”

Ponk doesn’t look him in the eye, staring past him to the river, to the streets the two of them have walked together for so many years.  It’s never going to be like that again. Ponk wants to tell him they never meant for him to get hurt.  They want to tell him that the doctors don’t think their arm is going to ever be quite the same.  They want to ask him if he regrets it.  They want to go home, properly home, with Sam beside them.  Some part of them also undeniably wants Sam to drown in the river and know it was because of Ponk, for him to know it’s what he deserves.  They don’t say any of it.  “My opinions are biased.”

Before Sam can retort, Ponk turns and leaves him there.  If they don’t look back, they can pretend Sam didn’t almost reach out to stop them.  If they don’t look back, they can pretend they wouldn’t have let him.

When Ponk returns to Eret’s mansion, breathless and definitely not burying tears, the first thing they do is make a phone call.

“Purpled?  It’s Ponk.  I… I think I know what I want to do.”

~

In four days time, Sam will return home to an apartment covered in meticulously made copies of police records.  Dozens of files which were never meant to leave the precinct are now piled on his kitchen counter.  At that same moment, the station receives a call claiming that the Police Captain is being attacked again.  When the squad cars arrive with an urgency few other calls would receive, it is to Sam staring in baffled confusion at the mountains of probable cause shoved into his lonely apartment.  Sam almost can’t process what’s happening when men he had once supervised arrest him.  They arrest him not because he had done something illegal, but because he’s done something illegal against the police.  The way this picture has been so carefully painted makes it clear that Ponk wasn’t the rat.  Ponk was surely a scapegoat, a civilian with no access to police files.  Surely, if Sam had truly been loyal to the department, Ponk wouldn’t have known anything worth sharing.  The real rat had to have been one of their own.  Sam has no idea what to say in his own defense.

Things devolve from there.  There is no interrogation, there is no opportunity for Sam’s old comrades to listen or offer understanding.  They are all cold and unforgiving or they avoid him like the plague.  People Sam had felt responsible for, who he had done his best to protect, shoving him into a holding cell and daring to call him a rat.  It’s almost surreal.  Sam already thought his whole world had fallen apart a month ago, and here the last shreds begin to burn.

Sam dodges criminal charges because those equate press coverage.  Instead, there is a letter of termination.  Sam’s replacement fully supports it, citing Sam’s criminal background before joining the force as clear evidence that he was never fit to be Captain.  Sam would have preferred prison.  He would have preferred a criminal trial instead of being forced to sit across from his own desk, the Chief of Police in his chair, and the man who had once been Sam’s right hand whispering in his ear.

“Mr. Warden here used to work for the Badlands, did you know that, Sir?” Dream doesn’t look at him as he shreds his reputation to ribbons.  Sapnap’s face falls from where he stands to Dream’s right, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Dream,” Sam doesn’t know why he’s trying to garner his attention, what he’s hoping to achieve.  Dream clearly has no intention of helping him.  He can’t help but try.  He’s spent days waiting for the chance to plead his case only to find it had already been decided for him.  “You know this wasn’t me.  You know that.  You know I’m being set up for something, Dream––”

“Please calm yourself, Mr. Warden,” Dream raises a hand as if to placate his old boss handcuffed across the table.  Mr.  That title is as grating as nails on a chalkboard.  Sam feels weak.  “Consider yourself lucky you’re not being arrested.  Former Police Officers don’t do well in prison, you know.”

Sam doesn’t know what to do now.  No one here is going to help him.  He thought Sapnap might have argued on his behalf, but despite his deigning to visit him in the hospital and being willing to chat, it seems for him too that things had inexplicably changed between them after Ponk’s arrest.  Everyone else who might have gotten him out of this, well, he burned those bridges first.  Not to say the Badlands had been any good to someone under arrest.

Sam is escorted from the station by those he had once trusted.  Dream doesn’t bother seeing him out.  Sapnap lingers just outside, unsure and oddly thoughtful.

“Sapnap, you know I didn’t––”

“I’ll call you a cab, Sam,” Sapnap hesitates.  “I’m sorry about all this.”

Sam doesn’t reply.  He watches him leave.  Through the glass, he can see the station proceeding, business as usual, while Sam feels as though someone has died.

Sapnap knows he cannot get Sam out of this and he doesn’t plan to, but once the proceedings are done, the Chief of Police gone, he pulls his friend aside.  “Dream, you know there’s no way Sam did this.  After he was attacked, we searched his apartment, like, there wasn’t anything there––”

Dream cuts him off.  “What were you and Sam talking about, huh?  The other day?  You could’ve given him those records, right?” Dream is almost calm, casual conversation as if every word isn’t a loaded bullet.  Sapnap falls silent.  Dream lowers his voice, a warning hushed and dangerous, “if we’re talking about associates of the Badlands, you of all people should watch your step, Officer Halo.”

Sapnap stares at him, stunned, waiting for some part of this to make sense, to reflect his best friend.  It doesn’t.  Dream does not become someone he recognizes.  “Got it, Captain.”

[multi-lefaiye]

!!!!! multi!!! im glad youre back!! ive missed seeing your icon on my dash! ive been working so much on my silly little stories with my silly little guys, idk if ive told you about them but its my time traveling story, im finally beefing my characters and getting to know them better! ive been using a prompt list for june and forcing myself to write something for this story everyday and its been going really well!! (i can tell you more if youd like) i keep making everything really sad and tragic tho..... dunno whats up with that lmao. is there anything youve been working on recently??

RUNS AT YOU hiiiii!! :D yeah yeah!!! i never like. reallly left but i'm not gonna pretend i haven't been a bit MIA lmao......... have not had the energy to engage with people that much lately. BUT today is a new day and i am beating the sleeby boy allegations.

YEAH YOU'VE TOLD ME A LITTLE!!! oh that's so fucking cool OMG i'm so excited you're having so much fun with them and developing them more! i love your little guys okay they mean SO MUCH to me!!! and OHHH YES YES HELLO??? okay, if you don't mind, can you PLEASE send some of that my way??? or if you want please feel free to tag me in it if you post it! because i love your stuff so so much and i want to go off the shits.

and regardless, you're always welcome to come into my inbox and talk to me about what you're working on. at all times. i encourage you to do it!!!!! also that's so real. something about giving fictional people problems........ intoxicating.

but yes yes!!! so like i said i haven't had much energy to work on stuff lately, but i do have some things i've been bouncing around! a big thing is a tftgs fanfic character study i'm tentatively titling "in case you don't live forever," centered around jack and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend sabine.

sabine is such a fascinating character to me for loads of reasons, many of them being the fact that we learn basically nothing about her. she is the epitome of a character who haunts the narrative, at least in my opinion, and this started as like... me exploring what i think she was like. what kind of person she was. it then evolved into an exploration of what might've happened if sabine had *lived* and gotten to be happy.

so it's an au where she and jack run away together and start a new life in a new state. it's super emotional and tender and sweet and writing it is really cathartic and healing for me. i'm also using it as an opportunity to explore concepts that are tried and true multi-lefaiye classics: mental health, trauma, queerness, and how they all blend together at times. most of all, though, it's about healing.

i'm including an excerpt under the cut!

It’s just after two in the morning on a Saturday night in mid-2007, and for the last time, Sabine Lemoyne stands alone in her childhood bedroom.

She’s had this room since she was eight, and the decorations haven’t changed much in the following decade. The walls are the same soft, muted purple she adored growing up, plastered with posters for old movies and bands she hasn’t listened to in years, and it nicely complements the pink shag carpet beneath her feet. Her immaculate bedspread is bright and cheery, covered in colorful illustrations of grinning flowers and vibrant greenery. Her favorite childhood stuffed animal, a little pink cat named Eevie, sits on the desk across from her bed, watching her with vacant glass eyes.

Her room has always brought her some modicum of comfort, a sanctuary of peace and solitude in a tumultuous world, but now, standing in the mausoleum of times long since passed, it feels stifling. She can’t breathe in here.

Sabine has to leave. And that’s exactly what she intends to do.

The duffel bag on her bed has been packed for days now, and she’s only just finished packing the backpack leaning against it. Inside the duffel bag, she’s packed clothes, books, and an extra pair of shoes; the backpack, meanwhile, holds her toiletries, six hundred dollars in cash, and two laminated folders. Inside one folder are two bus tickets, set for departure in one hour.

[letsasoiaftogether]

Targaryen #13

Word Count: 1,272

Warning: None

A/N: LISTENNNN, I love me some fluff between Daeron the Good and his siblings because I think Daeron would have gotten along with SOME of the Great Bastards of Aegon IV and sadly it gets overshadowed by the Blackfyre Rebellions. Soooo here ya go! I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

(GIF IS NOT MINE)

“Cute butt.” the playful words passed your lips before you had even thought about whether it was appropriate to say them. Of course, you didn't have to worry about the consequences. The King wasn't bound to take insult from your teasing. After all, you had been close to your brother your whole life. In truth, with the gap between your ages he was nearly like a father figure. Still, you enjoyed teasing the Good King because he didn’t take himself seriously enough to take offense at every little thing.

Chuckling, Daeron turned away from the window where he had been watching the city below and glanced your way, “Sister, behave.” it was a half-hearted command. One that would have been taken more seriously if his lips were turned right in a gentle grin.

“Must I?” you hummed, moving to lay down on the lounge chair in the corner, “and here I was planning on causing all sorts of mischief around the castle today. It has been quite boring lately.”

Daeron sighed and shook his head in amusement, moving to sit on the edge of the lounge beside you. “What am I going to do with you?” he teased, booping your nose like you were a child again.

You just laughed and shrugged, “Whatever you’d like. You’re the King.”

“Yes I am. And you seem to think your king has a cute butt?” His cheeks turned a soft pink as he repeated your words from moments earlier. Try as he might, he never could handle your harmless flirting.

“Of course you do,Your Grace. In fact, the Queen and I were talking earlier about how pinchable it looks.” you further teased, reaching out to pinch his upper thigh

“Stop,” Daeron laughed, grabbing your hand and lifting it to his lips, “The two of you have far too much fun together.” he accused with a dramatic sigh and mock-disapproving shake of his head.

“It’s in our nature, Brother, don’t be so shocked.” you shrugged, smiling gently at the happiness on your King-Brother’s face. “After all, Myriah being Dornish and I being a bastard, that is a perfect recipe for flirty fun.”

Daeron laughed a full belly laugh, and for a moment just sat there trying to catch his breath.

Your heart ached at the lightness about him. It was far different than the way he had been when your father was still alive. 

After a minute or two, Daeron kissed your knuckles and asked softly, “How are you? Did you need something?”

You cringed at the reminder of why you were there and groaned, “I am hiding from Ser Corys. He’s determined to court me.” you informed your brother as Daeron stood and moved over to his desk. “It’s the fourth time this week he has asked me to dine with him.” you added, in case your brother wasn’t understanding the full extent of your annoyance.

Daeron shifted through a few pieces of parchment on his desk and then said, “Just dine with him then. What’s the harm in a dinner or two? Ser Corys is of House Royce. He’s a good man. I've known him for years. He’s the third son, yes, but he has a castle, lands, decent wealth, and he can love and protect you.”

You shook your head fiercely and got to your feet, “He is a good man, Daeron. Seven Hells, he’s a fucking great man. He’s sweet, funny, relatively handsome and he’s probably the best I could ever hope for given my station in life!”

To be honest, you had been half in love with Corys Royce since you were both kids. He had never thought of you any differently for being born a bastard. And he didn’t try to use you to get to the King.

“But?” Daeron asked, even though you knew he was well aware of what the problem was. His gaze had turned sad, all amusement from minutes earlier had washed away and instead was replaced with a look of sorrow. Not pity. Just sorrow. Daeron knew better than to pity you, but he had always felt bad for you and the other “Great Bastards” for being born to the King out of wedlock.

You stared at him for a long time, trying to find the words to express the tormenting feelings spiraling around in your belly. “He...Corys is…” tears began to fill your eyes and you angrily rubbed them away with your sleeve. You weren’t the kind to cry, and you certainly weren’t going to cry in front of Daeron! “I’m a…”

Bastard.

I’m a bastard and he’s a Lord. 

We’re from two different worlds, Daeron!

I’m looked upon with scorn and hatred; a reminder of a King’s gluttony.

You sat down at some point in the chair across from Daeron’s at his desk; your hands pressed over your eyes as you cried softly at how unfair the world was.

It hadn’t hit you how much you cared for Corys and wanted a life with him until that moment.

The soft whisper of your name and a pair of safe, strong arms wrapping around you only made you cry harder - your tears soaking the front of Daeron’s shirt.

“You are worthy of him, Y/n.” Daeron whispered, his hand pressed to the back of your head, holding you to him. “You are a Princess of House Targaryen. Whether your mother was wed to our father or not. You are my sister whom I adore immensely. And any knight, lord, common folk would be lucky to have you.”

His sweet words made you tear up once again, but this time out of love not from pain.

“Your Grace.” you whispered, sniffling as you lifted your head to look at him.

“Hush, sister.” Daeron softly ordered as he pulled you to your feet and began to wipe gently at the tear stains on your cheeks with his sleeves. “As your King, I am commanding you to go to Ser Corys and accept his invitation to dine with him.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but shut it as soon as Daeron gave you that look; the look he used on his children to silently tell them the matter was shut. 

“After all,” Daeron sighed as he pulled away and leaned back against his desk, “It would be quite awkward for you to continue refusing your betrothed.”

Your breath caught and you took a small step backwards, “My...my what? Brother?”

He chuckled and nodded, “Corys came to me this morning and asked for my blessing to marry you. I gave it on the condition that the two of you were to remain at court after the ceremony for at least half a year. It will take time for me to accept that my sister will no longer be at court.”

Corys...came to you?

He...he asked for my hand...for your blessing?

“Oh Daeron.” you threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly as you placed a kiss to his cheek, “You...you are...a great Big Brother.”

Daeron’s eyes twinkled and he smiled gently down at you, “You deserve the world, Y/n, and I am determined to help you get it.”

You laughed and hugged him again, overjoyed with surprise and wonder and love.

These were all feelings you never would have gotten if your father was still alive. Out of all his bastards, you were one that he bothered less with. You never minded, really. Because you always had Daeron (and then Myriah once they were married) in your corner.

Daeron the Good.

A well deserved name, Big Brother.

[whatifxwereyou]

The Oncoming Storm Part 29: Into the Empty Storm

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

You have more questions than answers and are starting to think that maybe there aren't any answers. When you wake up, Chen provides you with some but maybe they aren't what you wanted to hear. You have a crisis of faith- but pick yourself back up. Change is coming.

A/N: Change IS coming, on like... Saturday. That's when the choice is! I'm letting you know now that the choice is a weird mundane choice that will change the story! Also, it's almost my birthday, and all I want is more free time to write y/n and these boys LOL. Hope you are all well. Smooches. (title is from a song called believe in nothing, i steal many titles from song lyrics)

Part 28 Part 30 Chapter Index

Your eyes fluttered open.

Your head was splitting but the stone ceiling was at least familiar.

What happened?

Everything was fuzzy. You tried sit up, but your body was too heavy and your arms too weak. Your fingers were tingling and numb, your muscles sore as if they had gone unused for weeks.

“Oh! You’re awake!” Chen’s voice came from your right, but this was not the infirmary. Your stomach was in knots and your shoulder was stiff. You sat up to greet your friend anyway, but your body objected with pain. “Whoa, whoa, hey slow down!” Chen carefully helped you lay back and then propped your head up a bit higher when you tried to sit up again. You were in your room. You hadn’t recognized it immediately.

You were confused.

“Why?” You choked out and then cleared your throat. Your mouth tasted like you hadn’t talked in just as long as your body hadn’t been used. Chen looked nervous and weary, like she hadn’t slept in just as long. “Why do I feel like this?”

“What exactly do you remember?” Chen hesitated. You closed your eyes and tried to remember how you’d gotten there.

That was right. It had been chaos.

“Everything went to hell when I touched the artifacts and…” You knitted your brow and tried to remember. “Oh, god, then Raiden tried to read me and that’s… that’s all I remember.” Your shoulder ached at the memory. There had been nothing else after that. Only pain.

“That was… Y/N, that was three days ago.” Chen braced herself for your panicked response. You stayed silent. Three days? How was that possible? It had felt like both a blink and an eternity of pain and darkness.

“What?” Your stomach dropped and it occurred to you now that there was an IV in your arm. Chen had likely been there the whole time keeping an eye on your vitals and making notes. There was a bedroll on the ground nearby as if to validate your thoughts. Why there? Why weren’t you in the infirmary? You already knew the answer.

You were too dangerous.

Three days was too long to be unconscious.

Your hands were still tingling. That was right. Raiden had shocked you because you had nearly killed Liu Kang and Kung Lao.

“Is Liu okay? Kung Lao?” Whatever had happened to you was less important.

“One thing at a time, Y/N.” Chen tried to urge you to lay back as you tried to sit up, but you shoved her hand away. “Please lay down. You need to take it easy, okay? You had… a little just… don’t panic when I say it, okay?”

“Tell me and then I’ll decide if it warrants panic or not.”

“I don’t want to make you any worse.”

“You not telling me is making it worse.”

“Just try to remember that it’s more complicated than what I’m about to say.”

“Would you just say it already?”

“You had a heart thing.”

You froze. Your ears were suddenly ringing. A heart thing? What kind of heart thing? What did that mean? You let Chen help you lay back down so you could focus on taking calm and deep breaths. Chen was checking your pulse on your wrist and watching you with concerned dark eyes.

A heart thing.

You were young! Healthy! Or at least you had been before those assholes had broken into your dojo and turned your life upside down. This wasn’t fair.

You hadn’t realized you had been holding your breath until Chen was shaking your arm to remind you to breathe. You exhaled and your lungs ached in response. They’d been deprived of too much oxygen too many times now. You finally turned back to Chen whose brow was set in a permanent line of concern.

“Are you okay?”

“You said it was more complicated. How?”

“It wasn’t a heart attack. It was a cardiac incident. You don’t… there are no blockages or anything causing it, but…”

“Isn’t it still the same thing? Heart fails?” You didn’t know much about medicine but you’d seen enough bad Korean dramas to know that the two things were similar.

“It’s different, okay? Your heart is strong, Y/N. You’ll recover. It’s just going to take a bit.”

“I am so fucking tired of my fucking body just… fucking betraying me. Fuck. Just… fuck.” You wanted to rub your hand over your face but you felt so weak that you could have screamed in frustration if you had the energy. Instead, you continued to swear beneath your breath. Chen covered her mouth and laughed, her cheeks pink. Really? That made her blush? She could make dick jokes all day long but swear words made her blush? “I can’t seem to catch a fucking break.”

“It’ll be okay, Y/N. I promise.” Chen had a rare moment of seriousness and offered your hand a comforting squeeze.

“I know.” You heaved a sigh and closed your eyes, taking a few deep cleansing breaths. “I know.” You finally calmed and were able to lift your hand enough to rub over the gauze on your shoulder. It was aching. “I just had to get it out of my system.”

“I get it.” Chen pulled your hand away from the gauze. “Careful with that, please. I’m still trying to get that thing under control and understand what it is.”

“It’s the crack from that godforsaken bell Kung Lao and I found in Japan.” You said in a mocking tone that made Chen laugh again. You should have left the damn things where they were. Things had only escalated far beyond your control since you’d gotten back. You’d felt like you’d made progress before then. “Can you help me sit up?”

“I heard that part of the story. We’re trying to figure out what kind of a connection could cause that. Raiden’s still going with curse. Going with god-curse now actually.”

“Oh. Great.” You let Chen help you sit up and then scooted back against the pillows that Chen adjusted for you. You leaned your head back against the cold stone of the wall behind the bed and breathed a sigh of relief. It had taken tremendous effort to sit upright but you felt better now that you had. If you hadn’t used your body in three days, it would take some getting used to your muscles being used again. Thankfully, it hadn’t been any longer.

“Yeah, I imagine that can’t mean anything good. He didn’t tell me much more, just that it was important to tend to it and report any changes. I don’t think I was supposed to hear everything that I did.” Chen tended to the mess of medical supplies that she had set on the floor by your desk.

“You’re good at that.”

“Sometimes being a gossip comes in handy, Y/N.”

“You didn’t answer me before. Are Liu and Lao alright?”

“Lao’s fine. Not even a scrape. He’s proud of that.” Chen smiled sympathetically. “Liu needed a few stitches but he’ll heal up in no time. He’s resilient. Doesn’t ever complain. It’s sweet how worried you are for them.” You weren’t sure that you would ever forget the way that his blood had felt splattering on your skin. You’d been the one to hurt him. He’d been trying to save you from yourself and it had backfired. He’d tell you not to feel guilty but you felt guilty, dammit. There was no way around it. They had been so angry with Raiden for pushing you but you had volunteered to do what you did. It was important even if it had been the wrong choice. You hoped they weren’t losing their minds over you being out for so long. If you had been waiting on one of them to wake up then you would have been going completely crazy.

You wanted them to be okay.

“Thank you.” You were grateful that Chen was there to reassure you and take care of your health. You guessed that Chen had probably volunteered since you were considered dangerous.

“Happy to help, Y/N.” Chen smiled sympathetically. “I’m so relieved to see you awake, I can’t begin to tell you how much. And not just because Kung Lao has been here about a hundred times. He keeps asking to come in. How you’re doing. If he could take over for me for a while. I told him that I’d let him know when you were awake and he doesn’t listen.” Chen clicked her tongue in amusement. You rolled your eyes so hard that Chen snorted. Sweet but typical of him. “Liu came by exactly once and I told him the same thing. He took my word for it. So, par for the course with those two.”

“Sounds about right.” You leaned your head back against the wall again and closed your eyes. God, this was a mess. A cardiac thing? God-curse? There was a mark on your body that mimicked the crack in a cursed object. You’d been nearly choked to death by some gross pale demon-man and you’d maimed Liu Kang. Again.

Where was the line?

Would there ever be an end to this?

Guilt.

You were so tired of guilt.

And pain.

You would gladly take the pain for the rest of your life if it meant keeping the people that you cared about safe from whatever this was. You held your head in your hands and massaged your temples.

“Don’t get in a funk about this, Y/N. You’re going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah.” You didn’t argue with Chen, but you wondered if this ended in your inevitable death. It didn’t feel like things were getting better. They had escalated violently in the last few days. No matter what control you’d had over your arcana, when you lost control? You lost it to a point where it was dangerous to be around you. Was it fair for you to still be there?

You were putting them all in danger.

Was it fair to consider Liu Kang or Kung Lao’s advances when you were such a danger to them? When it suddenly felt unlikely that you would survive this?

It felt particularly cruel to connect with Kung Lao again after years of having thought he was dead. To have him back only for things to wind up like this. And for Liu Kang, a man you had an insane draw to, unlike any you had ever felt. You’d hurt him now so many times. You knew he was strong but how long until you accidentally hurt him beyond repair? Chen took some vials of blood and you felt almost instantly nauseated at the sight of it. You fanned your face and were grateful to find that your body was adjusting to being used again. Chen helped you stretch and stand and get used to your body again before helping you back down and removing the IV.

“Do you know what will make you feel better?”

“Sleep?”

“I mean, yes, but also… getting you crazy drunk and then having one of those boys come over here to take care of you.” Chen made air quotes and you whined in response. You’d almost forgotten that Chen’s brain lived only in the gutter. “You just have to pick your poison. Kung Lao or Liu Kang.”

“I know that you’re joking but I still feel compelled to tell you that’s a bad idea right now.” If you drank right now, then you would wind up a sobbing disaster of a human being wallowing in self-pity. You didn’t need that right now and neither did either of them.

No matter how you tried to push it away, you couldn’t get it out of your head that this was how you died.

It felt very unfair.

“I need to see you smile, Y/N.” Chen’s voice was dripping with concern. She clasped her hand over yours. “Please?”

“I can’t pretend to do that right now, Chen. I’m still processing that three days have gone by. I’m still processing what happened in there and what any of it could mean. This was supposed to give me answers and all I have are more questions and every fuck up is more violent than the last.”

“We’ll get your answers, Y/N. It’ll be okay. Raiden is going to find a way.”

“Yeah.” You didn’t necessarily agree. Raiden was a God. You were sure that if he knew your existence was putting them all in danger then he would do what was necessary to stop that from happening. Not that you thought that he wanted that for you. He would try to help but there was only so much anyone could do. You assumed he saw a picture bigger than just your life.

“Y/N…” Chen looked to you seriously. “I don’t like this.”

“Wow, really? Because I am having a great time.”

“What an unhealthy coping mechanism.”

“Don’t judge me. It’s working.”

“Is it though?” Chen smiled sadly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I need to get out of bed and get used to my body again.”

“You should rest a bit longer.”

“I’ve been doing nothing but resting for three days, Chen.” You wanted to do something, anything to feel in control of your body. Chen studied you nervously but then offered you a nod. Together you worked your body just enough to help you get used to being awake and moving around. There was so little that you could control that it felt good to have something small. Chen was willing to help you even if she had tried to get you to slow down. You refused and pushed through it. You knew your limits.

You wanted to feel like yourself and break the fog hanging over you.

After some time, Chen forced you to stop and you rested your hand over your sore shoulder. You could feel your heart beating beneath it. Everything hurt but it only made you want to fight harder to get past whatever this was. You wouldn’t let it win. You wouldn’t let that thing win. It had frightened you for a few minutes and, truthfully, it still scared the hell out of you, but the fear no longer crippled you. You were determined to beat it.

You were not going to die because of this.

“What’s this?” Chen pointed to the wilting flower on the desk next to your journal. You thought that you were much like that flower now. An unfortunate parallel, you thought. Chen was cleaning up some of her medical things and putting them into a small bag after rolling up her bed.

“Just a sweet trinket.” You smiled fondly at the flower. It was pretty, even wilting.

“Liu Kang? Seems like something he would do. Finding beauty in things that are even temporary or some nonsense.”

“It does sound like him but it was actually Kung Lao.”

“Is that so?” Chen pulled out the desk chair and sat. “Can’t say that I can picture him giving anyone a flower. And no offense, but I don’t picture you as much of a flower getting kind of girl, either.”

“And exactly what kind of girl do you think I am, then?” You laughed in surprise. Chen perked up when she heard you laugh.

“You seem more like a grand-gesture kind of girl. Not really a material things girl.”

“Nice save, Chen.”

“We’re off topic. The flower. Focus, Y/N.”

“Oh, right.” You picked up the flower, twisting the stem carefully between your thumb and forefinger. It was still hanging on. There was some life left in it. Not much though. “It’s just something from when we were kids. It was the last time I’d seen him. He gave it to me before we said goodbye and then… he died. Well, at least I thought he had died. Still wrapping my brain around that one.” You set the delicate thing on the desk again.

“Yeah, that’s a big thing.”

“Off topic again though. When he returned from his errand for Raiden, he had found me another. I need to press it between the pages of the journal or something.”

“…you are talking about Kung Lao, right?” Chen seemed skeptical.

“Yes.”

“That’s ridiculously sweet. I’m having a hard time associating it with him.” Chen looked to the flower suspiciously as if she thought you were making up stories to tease her.

“Well, presumably the original flower was burned up in the fire so… it was nice of him to get me another. Not that he would have known I kept it. I guess it had been as important to him as it was to me.”

“You still had the original one?”

“Yeah. I had pressed it between the pages of my favorite book and got special paper to protect it. I hadn’t opened it in years but I assume it’s been burned to a crisp.” You felt the weight of your truth settling on your shoulders. Your life was gone. This wasn’t some crazy vivid dream that you’d eventually recover from. That life was over. There were moments where you missed the monotony but you were also grateful that it had happened to you and not to someone else. You had never fit in back home. Everyone else had belonged there. This was a better place for you.

“And you’re sure that this was Kung Lao, right?”

“I’m positive.” You laughed. Kung Lao definitely didn’t come off as sweet to most people, you realized. It was kind of adorable that it was just for you.

“You were really hung up on him, huh?”

“That’s a different life now, Chen. I thought he was dead. I cherished the little time we had.” Your ran your fingers through your messy hair. It was getting too long.

“Have you thought about going back? To see what happened?”

“I have,” you answered honestly. “But it’s a bad idea, I think. I killed people that night, Chen. And then there was the fire. They probably think that I’m dead. It’s not wrong to assume that either. Part of me died that day. I’m different. I can’t go back to being that woman and I can’t risk being seen.” You had put distance between the woman you had been and the woman you had become. You’d had to. It had been the only way to cope. “I’ve been nervous to talk about it. I can’t explain why.”

“You should probably ask Kung Lao to explain what happened.”

“Yeah, he just loves having a serious conversation. But you’re right. I’m ready to find out, I think.” Of all the crazy things that had happened in your life that one didn’t seem so crazy anymore. After what had happened in Raiden’s chamber, after maiming Liu, after having a heart thing, you could handle what had happened in your hometown.

“I didn’t quite understand the hang up that you had with Kung Lao. He’s such a… difficult man to get along with when you do what I do. But I suppose that I can see it now, knowing a bit more about the history between you two.” Chen admired the flower. “That’s a deep connection. He’s sweet to you… which I find difficult to believe so you must be special to him. Where with Liu…”

“Chen…” You turned your gaze. “Can we not talk about this right now? I know that you’re trying to make me laugh but I’m… I’m scared and my brain is having a hard time with all of this. Tomorrow, I promise, that all bets are off. You can tease me as much as you want but for right now, I need a break.”

“I get it.” Chen smiled and then got up, sat next to you on the bed, and wrapped her arms around you in a comforting hug. “I really do, Y/N.” She held you for a moment before you finally returned the hug. It felt strange to be hugged but nice. No romantic conflict involved. No stress about what it might mean. Just a hug. Comfort. You sniffled, not realizing that your eyes were misty with tears until then.

After Chen pulled back, you wiped your eyes and cleared your throat.

“This is only because you’re in such a state, Y/N. Trust me. Tomorrow? I’m back to pestering you.” Chen scolded and you smiled. “Besides, I wanted to bring up something more serious before I left anyway.”

“Oh, good. Serious with you never ends well for me.”

“It’s not anything medical. I gave you all the news there was to give for that. But with… everything that’s happened? People are starting to talk about it. I mean, they already were to an extent but more about how… scary it is.” Chen avoided your eyes and you felt a familiar and unpleasant frustration in the pit of your stomach. Gossip. “I just wanted to brace you for it. You might get some looks while you’re out and about. Raiden wouldn’t let me keep you in the infirmary just in case something happened. I’ve never seen him so worried, Y/N. It scared us a little.”

You figured Raiden was worried that you’d hurt someone and there was the confirmation. You had hurt someone. You’d hurt Liu. Three times now. You nodded in understanding. People usually feared what they didn’t understand. You were afraid of it too but you couldn’t exactly hide from what was happening. “I can’t blame him for being concerned. I hurt Liu.”

“Oh, no, Y/N.” Chen seemed surprised by your assumption. “He was worried for you, Y/N. I’m sure that our safety was part of his concern but he thought that a familiar and comforting space might help you. I think he’s worried that the heart thing was his fault.” Chen wiggled her fingers and made a sound to imitate the crack of lightning. You hadn’t considered that. You also hadn’t taken Raiden for the sentimental type. He’d come across as a fatherly man, you supposed, but your father hadn’t been sentimental so your idea of that was skewed. “I just wanted to warn you about the gossip and reassure you that it comes from a place of concern. We really like you, Y/N. You make time for us when many wouldn’t. They’re scared for you but also for themselves.”

“I get that.” You weren’t sure what to say about it. This was all too familiar. You felt so guilty that you weren’t sure how you were going to overcome it. The gossip wouldn’t help, you were sure. Your shoulder ached at the memory. It wasn’t as bad as it had been initially. Chen had briefly showed it to you while changing your bandages. It was literally a crack. “Thanks for the heads up, Chen. You’re always looking out for me.”

“I’m happy to.” Chen sounded nervous and you felt the woman’s gaze flitter from you to the door. “I’m afraid to leave you alone like this. I don’t… I feel like you’re not okay, Y/N.”

“I’m okay, Chen. I promise.” You reassured her. You knew you sounded morose. “I know I don’t sound it, but I’m okay. I’m so grateful that you were here when I woke up. You’re wonderful, even if I give you a hard time about teasing me.”

Chen smiled and offered you another quick hug. “It’s going to be okay, Y/N. You’re going to be okay. We’ll figure it out.”

“We will. I’m going to be fine.” You did your best to sound sincere. You knew that you tended to come off as sarcastic and while you weren’t feeling your best right now, you had to believe that you would be okay. Belief was an incredibly powerful thing, more so than you had ever realized before coming to Raiden’s Temple. “You can go. I promise that I’m okay.”

“I’m trusting you, Y/N. Try and take it slow today. I’ll be in and out to check in on you. I expect you to rest for a few days before going back to the crazy nonsense you’ve been up to.”

“I’ll do my best but I’m not good at sitting and doing nothing. I’m probably going to stretch a bit more before I rest for the night. Maybe take a walk. I promise that I won’t overdo it.” You bowed your head in respectful gratitude. Chen gave you one more hug before leaving you alone. After she left, you meditated and exercised. You needed to be okay.

You would keep fighting until you had nothing left.

[fidothefinch]

maybe it's enough (to know that we were here together)

For Dick & Damian Week 2021, day 2: "He's my son!"

I wrote this over the last two hours. Fair warning, it is not proofread. Title from Kina Grannis's "For Now," for fake-deep reasons.

(More warnings: this story strongly features hospitals and difficulty breathing (and poison). Please take care of yourselves and skip it if it will hurt you, especially because of the last year we've all shared <3)

Nightwing woke up with a gasp like it was the first breath he had taken in a long time. He floundered for a moment, instinctively worried he had just surfaced from Gotham’s harbor (it wouldn’t be the first time), but it only took one hard smack of his wrist to recognize the very solid ground beneath himself.

Panting, he leveraged himself to his side to empty his stomach onto the concrete.

Something was wrong. He tried to check his surroundings, but he was only able to make out grey blobs that may have been buildings and wildly swinging lights.

No, they weren’t swinging. That was just his vision.

He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he could just will vertigo away. It wasn’t a feeling he was used to; growing up swinging from a trapeze conditioned him to enjoy the swoop in his stomach. But right now, he was either on a boat or drugged.

Sirens doppler-ed towards and away from him, somewhere down below. Definitely drugged, then.

He lifted one hand to his pounding head and was happy to find his domino was still in place. So were his gloves. But when he checked, he was missing an Escrima stick and a handful of wingdings. He grappled with his memory, trying to pull up some idea of what could have happened. A fight, obviously. But was he in Gotham? Blüdhaven? Somewhere overseas?

He flipped to his back and stared at the sky, still breathing like he had just run a marathon. Drawing in air was like drinking through a silly straw. Above him, the sky was a mottled green-black, the wind rolling the clouds inland. The motion threatened to make him sick again. He considered the merits of rolling to his side, just in case, when his eyes caught the flicker of a familiar shape against the clouds.

The Batsignal.

So, he was in Gotham. Now that he thought about it, that felt right. He could recall riding in earlier on his bike, the wind whipping through his hair, weaving through wild traffic. But traffic had been going the wrong way? Everybody had been leaving the island. . .

He sat up suddenly. “Robin!”

Sitting up was a bad idea. He pushed through his temporary blindness to wobble to his feet, anyway. “Robin!” he called again.

Damian didn’t answer. He was nowhere to be found.

More sirens rang down below him, passing in the same direction the last set had. Dick scrambled to the edge of the roof to watch the ambulance pass. What he found took his breath away. Cars lined both sides of the road, all headed toward the bridge that led off the island. All empty, abandoned. There didn’t seem to be a soul in sight, except the emergency response vehicles speeding down the clear sidewalks.

Everything snapped into focus, and Dick’s memory returned. Somebody had called the Gotham PD with a thirty-minute warning before releasing an aerosolized drug into the sewer system. Nightwing had sped into town as quickly as he could, and Batman teamed him up with Robin to cover the south quarter, and they had gotten separated—where was Damian?

Dick leapt off the building, shooting his grapnel as he fell to swing into a perfect arc to the ground. His bike wasn’t within eyesight, so it was too far. He took off, running after the ambulance.

Toward the hospital.

-

“Sir, you can’t be here.”

Dick had never seen the hospital so busy. Patients were lined up along the walls and hallways, crammed into the rooms like sardines. The staff actually ran between beds, looking haggard and exhausted already. Dick stood out like a sore thumb in his Nightwing gear, but nobody had the time or energy to move him.

Except the head nurse, behind the desk. “You have to leave,” she said. “We don’t have room.”

“Is Robin here?” Dick asked. He had scanned the pinched faces of the patients he passed on the way back into the ER, but nobody was familiar. He was almost thankful; the victims of the poison were sweating profusely and gagged on their own breath.

“I can’t tell you that,” the nurse said.

“I need to know that he’s okay,” he pleaded, leaning into his palms. They had been planted on the desk for stability, but now they were the only thing grounding him in his panic. “Please.”

All of Gotham was supposed to be evacuated, but there were still so many people too slow, too many people without a way off the island. When the threatened poison hit the city, there were too many people left behind. Nightwing had rushed over from Blüdhaven as fast as he could, but by the time he had joined the rest of the Bats it was too late. Half of Gotham was sick. Dying.

And somewhere in the panic, as noxious steam shot from the sewers and spilled from the vents, he had lost Robin.

The nurse studied his face, her lips pursed. “Robin was admitted two hours ago.”

Dick’s knees nearly buckled with relief (it had nothing to do with his legs feeling like jelly). “Where is he?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not?” Maybe the words were clipped, but he didn’t have time for this.

“No visitors. Hospital rules.”

“He’s just a kid!”

“Then maybe you should have helped him evacuate,” she said, levelling a glare at him that could melt glass. “Instead of encouraging him to run straight into the line of danger.”

Now Dick growled. “You don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

“I think he’s better off here than with you.”

“He’s my son!” Dick slammed his fist on the counter between them, making the nurse jump. He would have time to feel guilty about it later. “If you don’t tell me where he is, I’ll find him myself.”

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, not getting any words out.

“Nightwing!” somebody else called. Dick spun around (too quickly), and another nurse was gesturing quickly behind herself. “I’ll take you to him.”

“Moira—” the head nurse started. But she wasn’t fast enough to catch Dick as he weaved through the maze of gurneys.

The nurse had dark circles under her eyes, and her bun was frayed. “Pediatric wing,” she huffed, already jogging down a wide white hallway. Dick followed, heart racing. “His oxygen was too low. He must have gotten a face-full of the stuff.”

“What does that mean?” Dick asked.

Her face screwed up. “He’s on a ventilator.”

Dick’s heart squeezed in panic at the words. He began to mentally prepare himself for what he would find.

The nurse he was following stopped abruptly, almost making him run into her. She flipped a hand at a set of double doors. “Stairs,” she explained. “You’ll have to go up to the third floor. Room 329.”

Dick didn’t question why she wasn’t coming; she had work to do. He nodded as he pushed through one of the doors. “Thanks.”

By the time he reached the third floor, he could tell that he had been dosed. Maybe not as badly as the other patients there, but three flights of stairs should have been child’s play for him. He arrived to patient hallway sweating and panting too hard, jelly legs making their displeasure felt.

There were doctors and nurses in this wing, too, but they were also scrambling too quickly to give him more than a passing glance. The crammed hallways on this floor were even more disconcerting, because the flushed, moaning faces were those of children.

None of them were the one he was looking for.

He forced himself to slow down, not able to bear the idea of passing Damian’s room and missing him accidentally. When he found room 329, he steeled himself before barreling through the door.

There were two beds crammed inside the small space, made possible only because the beds were child-sized. The smiling clouds painted on the ceiling were a harsh contrast to the dark, noisy machines wound around the beds.

Damian was in one of them.

Dick rushed to his side, sparing barely a glace toward the other child. Damian looked tiny, dwarfed by the size of the gurney and the mouth of the ventilator. His domino was in place, but somebody had flipped the screen over the eyes back, so Dick could see that Damian was asleep. The IV in his elbow connected to several bags, and Dick had no doubt at least one of them was a sedative. They would have to, to put him on the ventilator.

Dick snaked his gloved fingers into Damian’s bare ones and squeezed lightly. Even through the gloves, he could feel the smallest pulse.

He legs threatened to give out beneath him again.

And, well. Then they did.

A passing doctor saw him just as he had sprawled on the floor like a starfish. “Nightwing? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Dick shook his head, gesturing to his chest about the tightness still persisting htere. “Just dizzy.”

The doctor clucked his tongue, reaching out to the chair wedged into the corner. “Think you can get in this chair?”

Dick nodded (a mistake), and with the doctor’s help he was able to slide into the seat. The doctor flit out of the room and returned less than a minute later with a nasal cannula and oxygen tank.

Dick waved it away. “I’m fine.”

The doctor rolled her eyes. “Uh-huh, and I am, too.”

Dick didn’t fight it when she applied it. The steady stream of dry oxygen through his nose was a relief, and his head began to clear again almost immediately. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” the doctor waved.

Dick stopped her on her way out the door again. “Wait.”

She paused, obviously a little irritated at being interrupted.

Dick blushed in apology. “When will he be taken off the ventilator?” he asked, gesturing toward Damian, in the bed.

The doctor only shrugged. “When he’s ready.” And she left, hustling toward her next patient.

Dick pulled his glove off and ran his free hand through Damian’s hair, brushing back the strays. It was still damp with sweat.

However long Damian was asleep, Dick would be there when he woke up.

[sunsetlixie]

Take Care of You- Felix/reader smut

Felix wants to try being dominated, and you’re more than willing to indulge.

sub!felix and dom!female reader

word count: 4,759

warnings: none? just typical smut things (language, generally dirty shit) and also this isn’t really a warning but Felix has a mommy kink in this lol

A/N- this is my first time ever posting on tumblr so the layout may be kind of weird?? this is also the first skz smut ive written so hopefully it isn’t terrible!! also i’m thinking about turning this into a multiple part thing if people actually like it!!

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。

Felix had gotten done with a long day at the studio and he was in a weird mood. You two were lying in bed watching a show, and Felix was cuddled up to your side, playing with one of your hands distractedly. Now, your boyfriend was always very affectionate, even with his friends. That’s just who he is, he enjoys physical contact with people. But tonight he was being downright clingy. From the second he got home he was all over you, hugging you from behind in the kitchen while you made dinner, following you everywhere you went, sitting right next to you on the floor while you worked on school work at your desk. Now that you’d settled in for the night, he was trying to be as close to you as possible, every time you shifted positions he’d go with you so you kept touching. Now he readjusted himself so his head was on your chest and one of his legs was thrown over yours, and you sighed as he nuzzled his head into your chest, obviously wanting your attention.

“What’s up tonight Lix?” you asked, bringing a hand up to run it through his hair. You felt him shiver as you pushed your hand through his blonde locks, and he shut his eyes for a moment.

“What do you mean?” he asked quietly.

“You’re being very...affectionate tonight, more than usual.”

“I just want to be close to you,” he said, opening his eyes again and looking up at you. You smiled back at him when you saw his cute little face, his cheeks slightly red and his hair disheveled from you messing with it.

“Okay, just making sure nothing’s wrong,” you said, leaning down to rest your head on top of his. Sometimes when Felix was upset, he would be extra cuddly and clingy.

“Nope, nothing’s wrong,” he said, turning his attention back to the tv. You weren’t convinced though, because after a while you were starting to notice Felix getting fidgety, shifting his position frequently and squirming a bit. You noticed his discomfort and thought for a second that maybe he wasn’t feeling well, which made you worry again that something was wrong.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting a little strange,” you said, turning down the tv and looking down at your boyfriend. Felix brought a hand up to wipe tiredly at his eyes, shaking his head.

“I’m fine, I just,” he started, ending his sentence with a sigh.

“Just what? Did something happen today?” you asked worriedly.

“No! No, today was fine.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“I’m not upset, y/n, it’s just,” he started, looking away from you. You grabbed his hand to reassure him. “I just wanted to talk to you about something,” he said quietly. You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Why didn’t you just say so?” you asked.

“Well it’s kind of...it’s kind of embarrassing,” he admitted, bringing his hands up to hide his face.

“What do you mean?” you asked, reaching up and pulling his hands off of his reddening face.

“I don’t know, it’s just embarrassing to talk about,” he said, shifting uncomfortably.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed talking to me about anything, baby, I’m not going to judge you.” you said gently.

“I know, it’s just...I don’t want you to think I’m weird,” he said.

“You’re starting to freak me out, just tell me.” you laughed. Felix smiled nervously.

“I saw something and I want to try it,” he said, playing with his hands anxiously.

“What was it?” you asked. He bit his lip and looked down at his hands.

“Well it was a video, like a...you know,” he said. You smiled at his confession, he was so cute when he was nervous.

“What did the people in the video do?” you asked quietly, looking at him as he continued not making eye contact.

“Ugh, I hate talking about this, it’s so embarrassing,” he said, yet again burying his head in his hands.

“Why don’t you show me the video?” you asked. Felix’s eyes widened.

“You mean like, we watch it together?” he asked. You nodded.

“How am I supposed to know what they did in the video if I haven’t seen it?”

“O-okay,” Felix said, reaching over and grabbing his phone off the bedside table. Anticipation rose in your chest as he opened his browser and typed in the url to a very nsfw website. He eyed you nervously as the website loaded and you nodded to him, telling him it was okay to continue. He typed in a few words and pulled up a video titled “mommy takes care of her baby boy.” Your eyes widened in shock at the title, it was not at all what you were expecting him to pull up. Felix noticed your expression and threw his phone down on the bed, bringing his hands back up to cover his face in embarrassment.

“I knew you were going to think it’s weird. Forget about it, nevermind,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by his hands. You reached up and pulled his hands away from his face, not wanting him to feel embarrassed asking you to try something new.

“Hey. Look at me,” you said gently, tilting his chin so he was looking you in the eye. “I don’t think it’s weird. I never said that. I was just surprised is all. If this is something that you really want to try then I’m more than willing to try it with you,” you assured him. He swallowed harshly and broke eye contact again.

“I don’t know, this is so awkward, y/n. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’ve told you before, anything you want to try is fine with me. I don’t want you to be embarrassed about what you’re into.” You reached over and grabbed his phone off the bed, the video still on the screen. You looked at Felix, asking silent permission to press play. He gave a small nod and you tapped the screen to play the video, holding the phone so both of you could see. It began pretty slow, and you tried to pay close attention to everything happening in the video so you knew exactly what your boyfriend wanted from you. In the video the girl was in control, which was something new. Usually sex with Felix was pretty tame, neither of you were more dominant or submissive, it kind of just happened. The idea of being a dom both scared you and thrilled you, making your chest tight with anxiety and excitement. The girl in the video worked slowly and teasingly, making her sub whine underneath her. The idea of having that control over Felix awoke something inside you that you’d never felt before, and you were suddenly so so glad that he brought this up. Felix again looked at you nervously out of the corner of his eye. You didn’t look back, too busy observing what was happening in the video. The way that the sub was squirming and begging by the end of the video made you feel something indescribable. You mindlessly trailed your hand up and down your boyfriend’s thigh as you watched the video. It should have felt awkward to just sit and watch that with him, but you were so encapsulated by what was happening in the video that it didn’t feel weird at all. You finally looked over at Felix towards the end and saw how red his face was, his hands shoved between his thighs and his eyes focused on the screen in front of you. He looked up from the video for a second, making quick eye contact before diverting his eyes again.

“I never knew you were into this kind of thing, Lix” you said in a low voice.

“I honestly didn’t know either until I saw this video and then I couldn’t stop imagining she was you,” he admitted. You smiled at his words, looking back to the video just as it was ending. You closed out the app and set his phone down, tightening your grip on his thigh.

“I don’t know anything about this so I might not be very great at it,” you warned him.

“I’m just so happy that you’re willing to try it, y/n, I don’t even care,” he promised. You smiled and shifted your position so you could look your boyfriend in the eyes, nervous energy building up inside you. You reached up and brushed Felix’s hair away from his red face, smirking while holding eye contact with his desperate eyes.

“So you want to be taken care of baby?” you asked, running your fingers through his hair. He leaned into your touch and sighed quietly.

“Yes,” he whispered, cheeks still burning red from embarrassment. You pinched one of his cheeks and he flinched a little.

“I think I can do that,” you said, trailing your hand from his face down to his chest and tugging at the collar of his shirt. “I’m gonna need you to take this off for me,” you said. He nodded and hastily sat up to pull the shirt over his head. You sat back for a moment and admired his body, his flat stomach and small frame glowing in the light.

“You’re staring,” he giggled, crossing his arms over his chest. You shook your head and reached out to grab one of his arms and pull it away from his chest.

“You’re just so pretty, let me look at you,” you cooed. He blushed as he set his arms to his sides and looked away.

“Why are you being shy? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” you questioned.

“Just feels different, I dont know,” Felix replied, shifting his position.

“Relax, baby. Let me take care of you.” You scooted closer to your boyfriend so you were in front of him and you pushed gently on his shoulders, giving him the hint to lie back on the bed. You watched him fall slowly and smiled at how pretty he looked all laid out for you. You sat next to him and ran a hand over the expanse of his chest, sending shivers through his body with your gentle touch. Your hand grazed lightly over his sensitive nipples and he arched his back, leaning into your touch. You knew this was a weak spot for your boyfriend, and you were going to use that to your advantage. You ran your hand back over the spot, lightly squeezing one of the buds between your fingers as Felix let out a soft whine. You were already enjoying the feeling of having him squirm under your touch, and you think you could definitely get used to this. You slowly leaned down and licked gently over one of his nipples, pulling away and blowing air on the spot you had just wet. Your boyfriend shivered at the cold sensation and you smiled at the look of lust and frustration building up in his face. You were never this slow with him and you knew it was killing him. You repeated your actions on the other nipple and then lightly bit down on the sensitive skin, causing Felix to let out a surprised “oh!” that quickly turned into a soft moan. You moved your lips again, kissing up his chest and onto his neck, before you swung a leg over him so you were straddling his lying body. You sat on his lower stomach, paying no attention to the buldge in his pants. He slightly shifted his hips up, looking for friction, but you weren’t giving it to him yet, you were making him wait. You leaned down and continued kissing up his neck, sucking a mark behind his ear.

“Y/nnnnn... you can’t do that,” Felix said, shifting away from where your mouth met his neck.

“Why not?” you asked innocently, although you already knew that he got shy about the boys seeing him marked up.

“Don’t want people to see...embarrassing,” he whined. You leaned down and brushed your lips against his ear, whispering in a low tone.

“You don’t want people to know who you belong to? You don’t want them to know that you’re here, lying down for me and letting me have my way with you?” you teased. Felix groaned at your words as you moved down, sucking another mark below his collarbone. You’d done this before, so you knew he wasn’t actually going to get upset- you would never do anything he wasn’t okay with. Felix’s breathing grew ragged, inhaling shaky breaths and exhaling quiet whines. The little noises he was making were turning you on incredibly, and part of you wanted to stop the teasing and just go at it. But this is how they did it in the video, and Felix seemed to be enjoying it, so you continued. You continued to leave wet kisses up and down his neck and chest area, moving up to his face but avoiding his lips. He bit down on his bottom lip, and you could tell he was trying really hard to hold himself back and be patient. You decided to reward him, finally pressing your lips to his. He relaxed into the kiss and immediately tried to push his tongue into your mouth, causing you to pull away for a moment.

“Eager, are we?” you smirked. He whined again at the loss of contact.

“You’re teasing,” he said, a small pout forming on his face.

“I get to do that, baby, I’m in charge,” you said, trailing a finger down his chest. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” you smiled sweetly.

“Can you please just kiss me?” he asked, his tone desperate and slightly bratty. You raised an eyebrow at his sudden change in behavior.

“I will this time, but cut the attitude in the future.” Felix gulped at your dominant tone but couldn’t reply as you pressed your lips back to his. He let you set the pace this time, and as much as you wanted to go agonizingly slow, at this point you were already too worked up to keep teasing. Deepening the kiss after a moment, you brought a hand up to tug at Felix’s hair, something you’d recently discovered he really enjoyed. He moaned softly into the kiss as you pulled at his blond locks, holding his head in place. Your teeth bit down and dug into his bottom lip gently, enough to draw a quiet moan from his mouth but not enough to draw blood. You pulled away, a string of saliva hanging between your lips. Felix looked up at you, blown out pupils filled with desperation.

“You look so pretty, baby boy,” his hips bucked up at your words, his face growing impossibly redder. “What is it? Do you like it when I tell you you’re pretty? Or when I call you baby boy?” you said, a teasing tone lacing your voice. He mumbled something quietly, but you couldn’t make out what he said. “Speak up Lix, I can’t hear you.”

“B-both,” he whispered. A smile crossed your face as he looked into your eyes longingly. You would never get over how cute he was when he was embarrassed.

“Awe, my baby boy likes to be praised, how cute,” you cooed, tracing your hand down the side of his face. Felix smiled shyly at your words, not breaking eye contact.

“You’ve been so patient for me, baby, do you think it’s time for me to reward you?” you asked. He nodded excitedly, but you weren’t giving him anything unless he used his words. “Words, sweetheart, tell me what you want.”

“Want you to- to reward me, I’ve been good,”

“How should I reward you?”

“Just touch me, please,”

“Touch you where? Here?” you asked, dragging a hand down his chest, which was now burning hot. He shook his head. “Here?” you asked, running your hand over the hickey you had given him, pressing your finger into the darkening bruise. He let out a soft whine but shook his head again.

“You’re going to have to tell me where, I’m not sure what you want.” You said, knowing damn well what he wanted from you but wanting to hear him say it himself. He groaned in frustration but spoke up.

“Down there, please, you know what I want,” he begged.

“Ohhh, you want me to touch you down here?” you asked, scooting down so you were now sitting on his thighs and bringing your fingers to the waistband of his pajama pants. He nodded eagerly as you toyed with the drawstring on the front of his pants.

“Beg.”

His eyes widened nervously at the dominant tone you were taking, it was something he definitely wasn’t used to. But this is what he wanted, so he had to play along.

“Please touch me, I need it, I’ve been so good for you mommy,” your breath hitched at the name, when you’d heard it in the video you thought it was a little weird, but now that it was coming out of Felix’s mouth it was the hottest thing in the world. He noticed your sharp inhale and looked at you worriedly. “Is it...is it okay if I call you that? I won’t if you don’t like it-“ he rambled.

“No baby, I love it. I really do.” you assured him. He smiled in relief as you leaned down to pull at the waistband of his pants. He lifted his hips so you could pull them down, repositioning yourself so you could pull his pants all the way off. His hard cock sprung up and smacked against his stomach, red and already leaking precum.

“So needy for me, aren’t you baby boy?” you said, taking in the sight of his naked body but not touching him yet. The power you felt was exhilarating, Felix fully nude and trembling under you, while you were fully clothed and in control. He nodded and you brought a hand down to his neglected member, but he reached out and stopped you before you could touch him. You raised an eyebrow and he used his other hand to grab at the hem of your shirt.

“Can you take this off? Please, wanna see you,” he asked, tugging gently at your soft cotton shirt. You smiled and reached down to grab the bottom of the shirt, beginning to pull it up over your head.

“Only because you asked so nicely,” you replied, tossing the shirt to the side, your top half now bare as you hadn’t been wearing anything under the shirt. Felix eyed your chest, taking in the sight of your breasts that he loved so much. You thought about continuing to tease him by not letting him touch you, but you thought he’d had enough teasing for tonight. Besides, you were supposed to be taking care of him.

“You want to touch, baby boy?” you asked, already knowing what his response would be.

“Can I?”

“Go ahead,” you gave him permission, leaning forward to give him better access. He reached up and gently caressed your breasts, thumbing over your nipples. You arched your back in response to his touch, slightly grinding down where you were sitting on his legs. This was the first time you had been touched all night, and you hadn’t realized how much your body was aching for release. You didn’t let it go on too long, because tonight was about Felix. You leaned down once more to press a quick kiss to his lips before sitting back up and finally bringing a hand to his member. You slowly wrapped your hand around his girth and began to move it up and down at a teasingly slow pace, Felix arching up into your touch.

“Patience, baby boy,” you said, using your other hand to press his body back down into the mattress. “Let mommy take care of you, okay?” you said. Felix whined again but nodded in compliance, relaxing his body and placing his hands down at his sides. You slid your hand up over his slit, collecting the built up precum and using it as lubricant for your hand. Felix let out soft breathy moans every time you touched the head of his painfully hard dick, and you knew your pace was torturous for him, but you were going to see how long you could keep it up. As you stroked him slowly, you reached your other hand down and dipped it below the waistband of your sweatpants, dying for some relief of your own. Your fingers found their way to your clit and you rubbed slow circles at the same pace as your other hand was moving on Felix’s length.

“You’re so beautiful, seeing you like this made mommy so wet,” you whispered, making eye contact with your boyfriend as you pleasured both of you.

“Want to touch you too,” Felix whined, reaching out a hand towards your sweatpants that you still hadn’t removed. You took the hand off his length and swatted his hand away, as he whimpered at the denial and the loss of contact.

“Not now, baby, this is about you,” you hummed, grabbing his hand and placing it down on his stomach. You put your hand back on his dick, staying at the same pace. You knew it was killing him, but you weren’t going to speed up until he asked you to. The request came sooner than later, though, as Felix almost immediately groaned in an obvious attempt to tell you something was wrong.

“What’s wrong Lixie?” you asked, stopping your hand’s movement. He looked up at you with pleading eyes.

“Need more, faster,” he whined.

“Oh, is this not enough? You need more than what mommy is giving you? Good boys aren’t greedy, you know,” you said, resuming again at the slow pace. Felix’s eyes widened at your words as he scrambled to speak.

“N-No! No, I promise I’m a good boy, it just hurts, I’m sorry,” he pleaded. His voice tugged at your heart, you weren’t actually upset with him, you just wanted to tease him a little more. You suddenly sped up your pace without any warning, and Felix let out a strangled moan at your actions.

“Is this what you want?” you ask, stroking him at a quick pace and occasionally thumbing over his sensitive head. He nods, but you want to hear it.

“I said is this what you want?” you repeat, and he gets the hint.

“Yes mommy, fuck, so good,” he cries, the hand you placed on his stomach moving up to roam over his chest. He looks at you as if asking permission to touch himself, and you nod. His hand ghosts over his nipple before he brings it back and pinches it lightly, rolling the nub between his fingers and clenching his eyes shut. The sight is incredible, you can’t help but stare at the look of bliss and slight frustration on his face as he’s being touched by your hand and his own. You speed the pace of the hand you’re using to pleasure yourself, feeling yourself getting closer to release as you watch Felix bring his other hand to his chest, using both to lightly touch his sensitive nipples. Your hand on Felix stutters as you bring yourself to release, arching your back and moaning lowly. The relief washes over you and you enjoy it for just a moment before remembering the task at hand. You open your eyes to see Felix, eyes wide and staring at your blissed-out expression, mouth slightly open- which gives you an idea. You remove your hand from Felix’s member for a moment, and you also pull the hand that you’d been using on yourself out of your sweatpants, feeling Felix’s eyes on you as you bring your fluid soaked fingers to his mouth.

“Wanna taste?” you asked. He didn’t even bother to answer, eagerly taking your fingers into his mouth and sucking languidly. His tongue swirled around your digits for a moment as he looked straight into your eyes. You smiled brightly at him, pulling your fingers out of his mouth with a popping sound.

“Good boy,” you cooed, wiping the wet fingers on your sweatpants and leaning down to gently place a kiss on Felix’s forehead. “Now it’s all about you, okay? You’ve been so good for me, I think it’s time you get some relief too, do you agree?” you asked, sitting back up in the position you’d previously been in. Felix looked up at you, and you couldn’t help but smile at the look on his face, his naturally innocent appearance corrupted by his swollen lips and lust-blown eyes.

“Yes mommy,” he said, swallowing hard as you moved down in between his legs so you could lean down and give a small lick to the tip of his length. He shivered at the contact after you hadn’t touched him for a while, and you spit into your hand before wrapping it around the base of his dick. you lowered your mouth down onto his length, taking only the head into your mouth at first and sucking lightly. You slowly moved down his length, your hand working the part your mouth couldn’t reach. Felix moaned quietly, covering his mouth with his hand to muffle it. You pulled off of his dick with a lewd popping noise, sitting up to look him in the eye.

“Don’t hold back baby boy, i want to hear how good mommy makes you feel,” you said, and he let out a small whimper. You lowered your head to take him into your mouth again, this time setting a faster pace with your hand and your mouth working at the same time. Felix was overly sensitive from all of the teasing you’d put him through, so you knew he wouldn’t last long. You could really tell by the way he was trying his best to keep from bucking up into your mouth. You occasionally pulled up to suck lightly on just the tip, knowing how sensitive he was there. Felix let out a high pitched whine, signaling to you that he was about to finish, when you remembered how the video had ended. Usually, you would just let Felix finish in your mouth, but you had a different idea.

“Oh fuck, mommy, I’m gonna-“ he started, and you pulled your mouth off of his length, bringing him to his climax with only your hand, letting him spill all over his stomach with a loud strangled moan. Felix came down from his high breathing heavily, eyes closed and hands above his head. You smirked as you used a finger to scoop up the cum from his stomach, and he looked down at you confused for a moment before he realized what you were doing. You brought the finger up to his mouth, parting his lips with your thumb and sliding the digit between them so he could taste himself. This wasn’t something you’d done before, but it was how the video ended, so you thought you’d try it. Felix hummed around your finger as he sucked the liquid off it, swallowing his own fluids. When your finger was clean, you pulled it out of his mouth, again wiping it on your sweatpants and then bringing your hand up to caress Felix’s face before placing a gentle kiss to his swollen lips. You could feel him smile into the kiss before you pulled away, grabbing his discarded shirt and using it to wipe the rest of the cum off his stomach.

“Was that good, baby?” you asked, moving off of his legs so you could cuddle up against his side.

“Holy shit, y/n, that was amazing,” he said, his breathing still heavy and deep.

“I had no idea my baby boy was so kinky,” you teased, Felix’s face flushing red again as it had just calmed down.

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Felix mumbled, causing you to raise an eyebrow and sit up to look him in the eye.

“Really?” you asked. He nodded in response and you got excited just thinking about all the new things you’ll get to try with him. “You’ll have to show me sometime, but for now I think it’s time for you to sleep, you look exhausted,” you said, but by the time you finished your sentence, Felix was already drifting off into sleep.

[fragmentedink-archived]

Hell to Pay: Chapter Fifty-One

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XVIIII, XXX, XXXI, XXXII, XXXIII, XXXIV, XXXV, XXXVI, XXXVII, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XL, XLI, XLII, XLIII, XLIV, XLV, XLVI, XLVII, XLVIII, XLIX, XLX

cowritten by @lux-scriptum

A/N: Happy Holidays fuckers

A/N: also trigger warning for Nik's pos dad, and,,,,, nah i think that's it. Enjoy <3

Not a day after Lev was officially banished, Biela showed up. She was brisk, not even giving Lev the chance to acknowledge the two people she’d brought along. He was to be on house arrest, enforced by a spell that the witch she’d brought along would place on him. The fact that he was allowed up to fifty feet away from the house caught him by surprise; he’d fully expected to be confined to the inside. At least this way he could follow the kids in the pool or out into the yard, though Biela had made it clear he wasn’t to be outside alone.

She’d concluded this meeting by warning Lev that the house arrest would last until he proved he wasn’t a security risk. That meant Lev needed to learn how to defend himself, to Biela’s standards.

Lev understood. There was no third chance. If Lev got killed by a demon, it’d be detrimental to Cameron’s functioning. Not to mention Lev wasn’t sure how he’d handle being kidnapped by one. All of that aside he did want to know how to protect his children.

Biela had left with the witch when it was all done. The man she’d brought, who Lev learned was her brother Caius, stuck around long enough to exchange a few words with them, though Lev got the feeling it was more to get a good feel for who Lev was as a person than anything else.

Once all that was done and over with, Lev realized he still had a full day. Cameron had Eden, and Lev didn’t have the energy to fight him while Cameron reestablished his schedule. Instead, Lev ventured downstairs, something else on his mind.

He found Sazra in her room, like he’d expected. He knocked on the doorway when she didn’t look up right away, but having her silver eyes pinning him in place didn’t exactly put him at ease.

“Hi,” he said lamely, unsure of where to start.

“Can I help you?” she clipped out.

“I hope so,” Lev said, trying not to fidget. “I wanted to ask you about suppressants. I don’t know if demon suppressants will work for me, or if I need to get angelic suppressants, but-”

“And you’re asking me why?”

Lev blinked. “Because you’re a healer?” He said hesitantly. “I figured you out of everyone in the house would know about the way I’d react to demonic suppressants.”

Sazra lifted a brow. “Why would you think that when you think your healing is superior to mine?”

Oh. Lev fidgeted for a moment, before, “I’m not versed in medicine,” he started, and then hesitated. “If I’ve offended you...” He trailed off, looking for the right words. “It’s what I was taught,” he finally said, honestly. “And I never stopped to check my bias. I just parroted what I've been told for my entire life. I didn’t think about it at all.”

“I can see that. It’s rather arrogant of you.”

Lev didn’t think he’d ever been called arrogant before in his life. She wasn’t wrong though. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “It was.”

“Hm.” She thrummed her long nails against the wooden table, but didn’t offer any more words other than that.

Lev stared at her for a long time, unsure of what to say. In the end, he said simply, “Can I try to make amends? I was out of line.”

Her nails clicked on the table. “I’ll help you. Not because you apologized, but because Cameron is my boss and I owe him my life. Anything else?”

“No,” Lev said. “Thank you.” He paused halfway out the door, and turned back. “I haven’t had a heat in about a month and a half. If that helps anything?”

“I am aware. You can go now.”

Lev took that dismissal and slipped back upstairs.

---

After some searching, Lev found Nik in the back with Eden. He had her in the pool, in a cute black swimsuit with pink polka dots and ruffles. Eden was screaming happily as she splashed Nik. Lev padded to the edge of the pool, sitting down and dropping his feet in the water.

“Hi,” Lev said, smiling slightly.

Nik paddled over, dragging a giggling Eden with him. “I had to put sunscreen on her,” Nik said solemnly. “She probably burns faster than Cameron does.”

“Probably,” Lev agreed. He reached out, patting Nik’s hair. “Nik... do you want to talk about it? Any of it?”

“What part of dragging a screaming infant out to the pool suggests I want to talk about anything?”

Lev shrugged. “I thought I’d offer. We probably should eventually.”

Nik dunked under, though he kept Eden above the water. “Sure.”

“Are you okay?” Lev asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be? I have you, I have Eden, I have Cameron. Everything is going back to normal.”

“You’re pregnant, I’m exiled, and I told you I lost my pregnancy in the worst way possible.” Lev hesitated. “A lot has happened. And... it’s easier to worry about you than it is to deal with everything right now.”

“Well as you can see, I am the picture of health.”

“Physically, sure,” Lev agreed. “I don’t think anyone in this house is mentally healthy.”

“Hm. Well.” Nik moved Eden to his hip, not even blinking when she smacked his face. “Is that your professional opinion, Doctor Lev? I had not realized you had gotten a psychology degree in Ghost Land.”

“Nik, please,” Lev said softly, but he really didn’t have it in him to fight. In the end, he just gave a small sigh. “Fine. We can talk about it later.”

Nik went back to playing with Eden, so Lev splashed a foot lightly and watched Eden grabbing at the water. Lev would have been content to watch, but Nik grabbed his ankle. “Nik, don-”

Nik yanked Lev in the pool, clothes and all. After sputtering at Nik while Eden shrieked, first in surprise and then in delight, Lev glared at Nik. “I’m dressed.”

“Oh?” Nik said innocently.

Lev swatted his shoulder gently. “You could have let me go find a swimsuit. Now I’m soaked.”

Nik simply hummed. “Yeah... Oh well. Better luck next time.”

Lev huffed, and reached for Eden. “Give her over. I want a turn.”

“Mm. My baby,” Nik said, kissing Eden’s cheek. “Isn’t that right, baby?” Eden shrieked, grabbing at Nik’s hair. “See? All the ladies want me.”

Lev huffed, wading closer. He grabbed Nik’s sleeve when Nik tried to pull back, but was distracted by Cameron appearing.

“Phone,” Cameron said, looking annoyed.

Lev patted his pocket, and then held up the waterlogged device. “Nik pulled me in,” he offered apologetically. He set it down on the side of the pool. “I forgot I had it in my pocket.”

“I’ll get you a new one,” was all Cameron said. “Don’t do that again.”

“Tell Nik to not to pull me in,” Lev mumbled, before looking up at Cameron.

“I’m not his mother. You do it,” was all Cameron had to say before left.

“Yeah,” Nik parroted. “He’s not my mother.”

Lev splashed him and Eden both. Eden screeched, slapping the water herself. A laugh bubbled up, real and genuine. Lev turned away long enough to take off his sopping sweater and drop it beside the ruined phone.

This was worth it, he decided, dropping a kiss on Eden’s cheek. It was worth all of it.

---

Nik spent the next few hours getting a restless Eden under control and unconscious while also wandering around the house. Cameron seemed to be off in his study, doing Cameron Things and Lev was doing Lev Things. He was about to go see if he could bully Cameron into making stuffed peppers, when there was a knock at the doors. He was this close to ignoring it, and letting one of Cameron’s lackeys get it themselves, but he was closest to the door.

When he pulled the doors open, he felt his stomach drop. He had no idea why his father of all people decided to stand right in front of him, with that irritatingly neutral look on his face, especially in Demonic Territory. But he was. “Papi.”

Az’ril looked Nik up and down slowly enough Nik folded his arms over his chest, trying to hide his stomach out of sheer self-consciousness. Though it was completely useless and they both knew it. “You are pregnant.”

Nik felt heat rise in his face. “It’s Cameron’s,” he said, instantly.

“Hm.” He looked past Nik for only a second before saying, “Are you going to let me in?”

Nik took a wordless step back and to the side. There was no point in arguing, not when he was pregnant and he wasn’t going to risk the safety of either himself or his baby just when he decided he was going to keep the little leech who decided to continuously steal his food.

His father wasn’t even two steps in the house before both Cameron and Lev decided to come into the hallway from two separate directions.

Well that was just fantastic.

“Az’ril,” Cameron said, mildly. “To what do I owe this unannounced visit?”

Az’ril’s golden brown eyes flicked Cameron’s way. “I was not aware that I needed an invitation or to announce myself to visit my youngest.”

Cameron lifted a brow and stopped right behind Nik, close enough Nik could almost feel Cameron’s body heat. “How would you be aware when you do not ask? Or visit in the last year or so, but I digress.”

Lev stopped next to Nik and tried to take his hand. Nik only shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets and said nothing. Az’ril’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but completely dismissed Cameron and turned his full attention back to Nik. “Let’s speak. Alone.”

“Nik,” Lev said, quietly.

He could feel Cameron’s gaze on him, letting him take the lead on however Nik wanted to move forward. Nik only lifted a shoulder. “Yeah, sure. I think we can find a room.”

He shouldered past Lev, without so much as a glance, aware his father was right on his heel without needing to be told to follow. He found the nearest office space and went in, immediately going to open the windows when he heard the door click behind him.

“So,” Nik said, leaning against the wall, with his arms folded over himself once more. “You wanted to talk…?”

Az’ril made himself at home by sitting in the desk chair. He glanced around the orderly office, taking note of the very sharp, immaculate furniture. “He seems to have inherited a great deal from his former station,” Az’ril noted.

“Yeah,” Nik said. “I imagine being raped every day for five hundred years, a fancy house was the least they could give him. But what do I know.”

The vaguest look of distaste crossed his father’s features. “Your crassness is bound to lose its charm,” he said, leaning back. “Especially now that you are pregnant. Even if it is with a demon’s spawn, and an illegitimate one at that. That cute attitude isn’t going to get you far much more.”

“I’m sure my cute looks will make up for it,” Nik said.

“We’ll see.”

The tightness in his chest didn’t let up a single bit, if anything it just reached further into his throat, making it that much harder to keep an unruffled appearance. The razor sharp look in his father’s eyes suggested Az’ril was more than aware. And he was unimpressed.

“How does the demon feel about your pregnancy,” Az’ril said. “Doesn’t quite seem the paternal type. As far as I’m aware, demons tend to eat their young.”

Nik chewed on his lip piercing. “He’s fine with it.”

“Is he?”

“That’s what I said,” Nik said, not able to keep the irritability out of his voice. “If you’re wanting a birth announcement, I’ll be sure to ship you one in the post. Is there anything else you wanted?”

“Actually there is,” Az’ril said.

Nik waited expectantly, trying to not squirm under that golden look.

“I do not think your demon is equipt to adequately care for a pregnant angel,” he said. “And I do not wish for a disgraced outcast to be caring for my child.”

Nik blinked. “I- what? Then where, exactly, do you expect me to go?”

“Your rooms are being set up as we speak,” his father replied. “A nursery as well, as you’re obviously keeping the child. Even if it’s part demon, your status is of mine, and I will not be having it or you here any longer. It’s about time you stopped playing house and returned to where you belong.”

“...I belong with Cameron and Lev,” Nik said.

Az’ril stood fast enough that Nik’s spine straightened on sheer instinct. “You need to stop with these convoluted fantasies of yours,” His father said, sharply. “You will come home, even if I have to drag you by your ear to do so. It’s for your own good, Nikolas.”

“But- what about them?”

“They are not my concern.” He crossed the desk. “This is my own fault,” he said. “I gave you too much freedom and left you unchecked and now your inability to take responsibility for any of your actions has led you unmarried, unmated and pregnant. So now, you will be coming home, and you will be letting me take care of you. End of discussion. Are we clear.”

Nik’s eyes trained to the ground. “Yes sir.”

“Better. Now go get your things, because we need to be leaving.”

Nik pushed off the wall and left the office as fast as he could go without sprinting out of the room. He shoved open the bedroom doors and went for the closet. He stopped dead in his tracks outside of it, anxiety clawing at his throat, but he forced himself forward to get his shit so he could get out of here.

“What’s going on?” Nik heard Lev ask from the doorway.

Nik stopped dead in his tracks before resuming once again. “Going home,” was all Nik said, going to toss a few of his jackets onto Cameron’s bed.

“This is home.”

Nik chewed on his bracelet and went back into the closest for more clothes. “Yeah, and so is Tullum. Papi is insistent on me coming home so he can take care of me while I’m pregnant.” He tried to keep the irritability out of his voice. It wasn’t Lev’s fault that Nik’s omega decided to kick into self preservation mode now.

Horrible timing, really.

“He won’t take no for an answer,” Nik said, dropping the rest of his clothes on the bed. “So I’m going home.” He fixed a smile in place. “That’s what’s best for the baby, am I right? Got to get the special angel healers and- and it’s a family thing. I’m sure you wouldn’t get it.”

Lev stared at him for a moment. “You can’t go with him. It’s not what’s best for the baby and it’s not what’s best for you.”

“And you devised that in what, the five minutes of interaction with him?” Nik asked, sharply. “Family clearly does not mean the same thing to you as it does to me and mine. There are traditions and- and I just.” Nik exhaled sharply through his nose and muttered under his breath in spanish and went back to packing. There was no point. “I don’t have a choice and it’s not like you can stop him.”

“Nik,” Lev said softly. “I know people scare me all the time, but... not like him. Not like that.” He crossed the room, trying to take Nik’s hand as he said, “I won’t let him take you.”

Nik shoved his hands in his pockets. “Do you want to die again?” Nik demanded, voice cracking. “You seem to forget that I am the only one in my family without magic. My family deals and trades in death and he has the power to absolutely obliterate anyone. Especially someone with no ties or protections offered by angels anymore. You literally just defied the laws of nature. Don’t get between us and ruin it for nothing.”

Lev’s face was the fiercest he’s ever seen from him. “You’re mine, and I’m not going to let him take you from us.”

Nik bit into his lip so hard he could taste the honey sweetness of his blood. He didn’t have an argument for that, especially when Lev’s head was annoyingly big when he was being annoyingly protective. It clearly meant he couldn’t listen to reason or fact. His father was just… he was death.

He put his head on Lev’s shoulder, not saying another word.

Nik was snapped out of his trance the moment he heard the sharp order in spanish to hurry up. His head lifted and sure enough his father was standing in the doorway with his arms folded over his chest. “We need to get going.”

Lev looked at Az’ril. “He’s not going with you.”

Cameron appeared like a wraith in the doorway behind his father, eerily silent and perfectly unruffled as he sidestepped Az’ril as if he were little more than a stool in his way. “Nikolas can take his time,” he said, coolly. “As much of it as he wants.” His pale eyes slid towards Nik, looking for his stance.

Cameron was going to follow Nik’s play, no matter what he wanted for himself. He’d let them all make their decisions and damn themselves, but it would always be their decision. He’d have no part in shaping it.

When Nik looked down at the ground, Cameron then said, “Of course, if I wanted, I could keep him here. He’s pregnant with my child and as it would be my property, so is Nik.” The sheer, so very faint distaste in those words in Cameron’s tone didn’t go unnoticed by Nik. “I’m sure you, someone of such high political standing, would understand that.”

Nik didn’t dare say a fucking word, even as Lev positioned himself between Nik and Az’ril.

His father locked eyes with Cameron. Cameron was several centuries younger than his father, even if Cameron felt eons older in the icy, composed stance he was taking. “My son is not your property,” Az’ril bit out.

“By demonic law,” Cameron said, mildly, “he is. The moment you decided to send your son into spy on me and mine forfeited your right to Nik, and made him mine.” Cameron looked over at Nik and Lev, gaging the both of them with calculated stillness. “Come here.”

Nik was frozen in place for a split second before Lev gently took his arm and nudged him over to Cameron’s side. If Lev hadn’t made him move, Nik would have been torn between standing still and being at Cameron’s side in a split second with the sheer Alpha in his tone.

Cameron fixed his eyes on Nik, and then Nik’s throat. “Of course,” he said. “I am speaking in demonic terms, and not angelic terms. So let me be very clear about this.” A chill rippled down Nik’s spine when Cameron's very sharp teeth sunk into Nik’s throat.

Lev ushered out of Cameron’s way, but Nik could sense his eyes were still trained on Az’ril as Nik instantly went limp at the claiming bite being branded into his flesh. Cameron caught him easily before he collapsed onto the ground from the amount of hormones being flooded into his body.

Nik whimpered when Cameron’s teeth came out of his skin. He caught the golden sheen of blood still on Cameron’s pale lips before pushing his face into Cameron’s chest. Cameron’s arm held him firmly in place as Nik reached for Lev’s hand.

Lev took it but didn’t take his eyes off Az’ril.

Cameron didn’t blink at the way Az’ril’s eyes narrowed. Angels held mating bonds to one of the highest standards in their lands and Cameron knew it. “You know where the door is, yes? If not I’m sure someone can show you out.”

Nik didn’t dare look up from Cameron’s chest, but he heard his father retreat from the room, and hopefully the house. “I’m sorry,” Nik mumbled against Cameron’s chest.

Cameron tugged on his hair. “Quiet,” he said, not harshly. The order did mellow the anxiety curling in his chest.

Lev lightly bit Nik’s shoulder. “You’re staying with us,” Lev mumbled against his skin. “You belong with us.”

---

Breakfast the next morning was quiet. Though, admittedly, most of their breakfast lately were quiet. Nik couldn’t drink coffee and so it took even longer for him to wake up. Cameron rarely had much to say in the morning, and Lev was always tired nowadays so quiet it was.

However, this morning, Lev had something on his mind. “Cameron?” he asked. “I had a question.”

“Hm?”

“Can we start working on a nursery? I imagine it’ll take some work, and...” He shrugged.

Before Cameron responded, he walked out of the kitchen. Lev stared after him, and looked to Nik. Nik was still staring at his decaf coffee, face blank and definitely not awake. Cameron reappeared, book in hand. Lev lifted the cover as Cameron went back to fixing breakfast.

Inside the book was... plans. Color swatches and crib options and even a sketched layout or two. Lev traced a picture of a crib made of dark brown wood and with little sea stars carved into the headboard. “You already started planning without me?” he asked, trying to not sound petulant.

Cameron flicked a look in his direction. “You were sleeping.”

A low blow, but a fair one. Sleeping had been preferable to being awake. “Point,” Lev finally muttered. “Well can I help with the rest?”

“If you want.”

“I do,” Lev said, flipping back through the book carefully. He would have called it a scrapbook if it hadn’t been so brutally efficient. Besides. If he had, Lev had the feeling Cameron would have been offended. “I’m guessing an ocean theme?” he said, peering at the options Cameron had deemed acceptable for baby mobiles.

Cameron placed a plate of bacon down in front of him. “It seemed to fit Nik’s tastes.”

“This isn’t my coffee,” Nik suddenly complained, rubbing his face.

Lev looked over. “Looks like coffee to me?” He wrinkled his nose. “Gross.”

Nik frowned. “This isn’t. My coffee.” This time he sounded more irritable.

“You’re not supposed to have caffeine, if that’s the problem,” Lev said, taking a bite of bacon.

“Says who?”

Lev offered him a piece of bacon. “Ash, probably. But also every pregnancy health book I’ve ever read. And I’ve read a lot.”

Nik slammed his mug down. “Well Ash isn’t here, and you’re not my boss.” He pulled out his phone, muttering in Spanish. Lev only got another piece of bacon before Nik startled him by shoving the phone in his face. “See? I can.” He was practically yelling, mostly from excitement from what Lev could tell.

Indeed, Ash had typed out a terse, “1.” Period included.

“Somehow that feels coerced,” Lev mumbled, before pointing out, “You have to convince Cameron too.”

Cameron sipped his tea calmly. “No,” he said. “Sit down.”

Nik plopped down, defeated. He stared at the counter sadly. “You’re all monsters.”

“Well, four more months and you can have caffeine again,” Lev encouraged.

“This leech is taking everything from me,” Nik mumbled.

Lev reached over, brushing his hair from his face. “Soon,” he promised, kissing Nik’s cheek.

Nik wrinkled his nose. “So what were you talking about before you decided to ruin my life?”

Lev closed the book carefully. “Nursery plans. Which- Cameron, do you think Nate would come paint the walls for us? I bet he’d do something pretty.”

Cameron put a plate of eggs and fruit down in front of Nik. “I already called him. He’ll be here tomorrow to start working on it.”

Lev huffed. “You’ve already thought of everything, haven’t you?”

“It’s easy. You’re both predictable.”

“What the fuck is this?” Nik demanded. “You give Lev bacon, and I get rabbit food? I’m a growing boy. I deserve bacon.”

Lev decided not to comment on the fact that he’d offered Nik a piece and Nik had decided to bemoan his coffee instead. “Eggs aren’t rabbit food,” he pointed out instead.

Nik took Lev’s plate. “Well fine then, you eat it. I’m eating your bacon.”

“Hey!” Lev reached for his plate. “Nik! Give it back.”

Nik just put his hand in Lev’s face, but Cameron switched the plates anyway. Nik whined, and all he got in response was a baring of Cameron’s teeth. Despite that Lev put a single piece of bacon on Nik’s plate.

Before any more bickering could start, a knock sounded. Lev peered over his shoulder in time to see a sentry leading a short woman into the room. She was hauling bags with her, though she set them down when she set eyes on Nik.

Nik had been in the middle of grumbling as he picked at his food, but when he saw her, he dropped his fork. “Mami?”

Lev watched them, mystified. He’d never met Nik’s mother, but when he looked to Cameron, Cameron just shook his head subtly like he knew what Lev was thinking. That left Lev even more confused, but he just looked back to see her cupping Nik’s face and fussing at him in rapid Spanish. In Nik’s defense, he looked pleased.

“Hello,” Lev offered when she seemed done. “I’m Lev?”

“I’m Mami Coco.” She looked to Cameron. “You can call me Socorro. I’ll be sleeping in a room next to Nikolas.”

Lev could see the annoyance flickering in Cameron’s face, but Nik looked happy, dark brown eyes shining as he got a hug from Mami Coco. Somehow Lev doubted Cameron would be irritated enough at the disruption in his plans and schedule enough to upset Nik over this. Instead, Cameron filled a plate for her too, and said, “Sit.”

There was a certain look to her that promised much headbutting in the future, but she sat beside Nik with a simple, “Okay.”

Tagging:  @incandescent-creativity @solangelo3088 @lil-miss-red @halstudies @littleyellowdinosaur @caelisis @idreamonpaper

[agentsoftie]

Chasing Cars ( C.M )

summary: you have a full on mental breakdown and penelope is there when you have it. her being the expressive person she is tells everyone leading for emily to get mad, and you to understand some feelings

a/n: this is a whole thing. so prepare yourself. also thanks elle and @anepiphany for helping out with this one!

warnings: mental breakdown, swearing (a lot of it), angry emily, heartbreak, basically angst

pairing: hotch x (fem) reader : emily x (fem) reader : rossi (platonic) x reader

song: chasing cars

tagging: @thestrawberrygirl, @marshmallowtraver, @ghostly-angelic, @criminalmindsmoodrn, @yesimaunicorn​

Remember to like and reblog!! And leave feedback!!

Today was not the day. Not the day to have fun, not the day to mess around, not the day to do anything, and yet here we were. Walking into the FBI, a place filled with bad things. And in that sense, enough horrible, terrible, and mortifying things to make an angel frown. This whole week was not going well for you. In fact, it was like your life just decided to turn on you when everything was going just your way. First, your dog died, then it was the 5th year anniversary of your brother’s tragic death. And not to mention your anxiety had been getting worse and worse ever since your best friends Emily’s death, and then resurrection. Oh and the fact that you’re 99% sure that the guy you love, hates you. Yeah, that doesn’t help your case either.

“You’re late.” You hear someone say in a very demeaning stern voice while you rush through the 2 glass doors that protect the outside world from all of the horrors. “Oh shit, sorry Hotch,” You murmur while quickly stumbling to your desk as if you were late for class. You spilt all your files on your desk and then plopped down in the chair as if it were nothing. You put down and debated on falling asleep, but then remembering that your boss would scold you more than he already has, and who would like that.

Penelope happened to be walking by your desk at this time. Everyone else was to busy to notice you, but she did. “Hey Y/N! Can you come with me real quick.” She said while tapping your desk. “What, I- yeah.” You say after jolting your head up and getting up. You followed her into her so-called “bat cave” until you asked why she called you in here. “So, why did you call me in here?” All she did was point to an extra chair and say sit, which you gladly did.

“You’ve been acting strange lately, almost like a different person. So spill.”

“Spill what?”

“Your feelings Y/N. Tell me everything. Because clearly no one cares enough to ask, except me of course. And it’s good to get your feeling out, no matter what they are. And that means I want you to lay everything on me. Make me your free therapist. Tell me all of your problems, all of them.”

You were trying to hold back your tears, you really were. “Penelope”' You said trying to catch your breath. “I just cant anymore. Everything is getting, so hard, and I just. I don’t know what to do. I can’t think straight anymore. And it’s like every day I’m failing, miserably. No matter how hard I try, or will ever try, Hotch will always resent me. I mean, he HATES me Penelope, HATES!! And you know what, I love him. I love it so much and he hates me and I just don’t know what to do. I try to be good enough for him, but everything I do is just, it’s not enough!”

At this point, you were balling. It was like a waterfall. “And did you know that my dog Honey dies 2 days ago? You didn’t do you. No one did! No one does! No pays and fucking attention to me, and I know that that’s pathetic but I am a human being too, I need attention and affection! And I understand that I shouldn’t get my personal life mixed up in work, but literally everyone fucking does it!! In some goddamn way, in some goddamn time, we’ve all fucking done it! But if I do it, I’m being a bad person, an attention seeker, a brat! I’m not a fucking brat Penelope! And you know what, I’m done with people treating me like a fucking doormat! Just because I smile people assume they can treat me like absolute garbage! LIke trash! And you know what! I don’t even know why I smile! I’m not fucking happy! I haven’t been happy for a while! You see this smile, ha, yeah its fucking fake. It’s all fucking fake! Ive gotten at a point where this stupid fucking smile is a reflex, I don’t want it to be a fucking reflex, Penelope!”

At this point, you didn’t even have full control over what you were saying. It was all just coming out, and you just couldn’t stop. “God and my best fucking friend died! Haha, and then she came fucking back like it was nothing! And of course, I didn’t say anything, but oh my fucking god! People just leave, and when they come back, they act like it's nothing. Did you know that today is the 5th year anniversary of my brother’s death? Yeah, this is why I’m late. BUt did Hotch give me a second to explain that I was at his grave, no, he fucking did-”

You were cut off by the door opening. “Hey! We heard some yelling here, is everything okay?” JJ says while looking at the mess that is you.

“Uh, yeah,” You say while wiping all the tears off your face. “We were, just um watching The Notebook, and well you know,”

“Oh okay,” She says in a sense of relief, “Also Y/N, everyone is asking for you to bring some coffee since we ran out of it here.”

“Uh, yeah okay.” You get up and leave like nothing just happened. Penelope was still processing everything you said so she was not paying attention to the fact that you were gone. You quickly grab your coat, purse, and keys and head out.

Penelope was still in shock due to everything that just happened. “Penelope, are you okay?” JJ asks.

“Yes, but no! But yes, ahh, okay. You know what, just get everyone in the briefing room.”

“We have a case? Shouldn’t we wait for Y/N to come back?”

“Yes, well no. God! Just get everyone in there, I have some very important news.”

“Babygirl, why are we here?” Derek says after everyone’s in the briefing room.

“Yeah Garcia, if this isn’t a case, you guys need to get back to work,” Hotch says.

“Oh but this is a case. A very severe one. How much time do we have?” she says while looking at the clock, “Okay 12 minutes should be enough.”

“Enough for what?” Spencer asked, trying to understand what was going on.

“Hush my sweet child let me talk. Uh, okay how does one do this?”

“Do what?” Emily yells.

“Let me think Emily! Okay, our dear friend and teammate Y/N, has been going through some shit and you guys, we, us, are not helping. The poor girl goes through shit every day and we don’t see a thing. Some profilers you all are. And I mean Emily, you’re her best friend! You should have known this!”

“Babygirl calm down. Why are you getting so mad?” Derek asks.

“I’m not mad! Well, I am, but you guys are not seeing the main point here! We’ve all been treating this poor helpless innocent girl like crap! And she can’t even go to her boss because he hates her!”

“I don’t hate Y/N!” Hotch yells trying to defend himself.

“You kinda do Hotch,” Spencer says, causing Hotch to give him a death wish.

“You guys!! I’m scared of her! She needs us! Her dog died yesterday and her brother's death anniversary is today! She’s hurting and we’re making her get coffee for god sakes!! And speaking of coffee, she’s most likely getting out of her car right now, so everyone acts normal, but not. Now scatter!” Penelope says while urging her hands. And with that everyone was out.

Everyone went back to their offices except for Rossi, he went into Hotch’s office. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Hotch yells at him. “Because that’s something for you to tell everyone. That’s something you tell her Aaron! You’re gonna have to accept the fact that you feel this was sooner or later, and I’m hoping sooner. And when you do, you’re going to have to tell her. And then apologize for all the shit you’ve done to her, and then if she wants, comfort her. And with that, she’s here. So for god sakes tell her.”

“But what if she says the opposite?” Hotch asks while Rossi is halfway out the door.

“You deal with it, and move on,”

“Here you all go!” You say while walking up to them. “One hot chocolate for Spencer. An iced coffee for miss Garcia and Jareau. One pumpkin spice latte for Mr. Clean, and a-” You were cut off by a very mad Emily. “Y/N we need to talk. Privately.” You couldn't tell why she was mad, but she was definitely pissed about something. Honestly everyone was off but you just couldn't tell why.

You both walked into the briefing room and before you could say anything she yelled at you, well not yell, but expressed loudly. “Why!” She asked. You were confused, as anyone would be. “What?” You answered not understanding anything. “Why did you tell everything to Garcia! Am I not good enough for you! Am I not your friend anymore? Because I swear Y/N if that's the case then I don't know why I even came back.Because you what, when i\I came back I thought that you out of everyone would trust me.”

“Oh really! Emily, you left! You were gone! And didn’t even bother to tell me, your best fucking friend!!”

“Okay, you know what Y/N, yes I was gone! But I did for my safety! I did it four all of our safety!”

“Emily, we could have helped you! You didnt have to go halfway around the fucking world!”

“No Y/N you don't understand, and never will!! But you what, all that time that I was in France I couldn't stop thinking about you! About what you were doing! About how you were! And you know what I still feel that way! I want to be with you! You’re my best fucking friend! But you don't tell me SHIT!! WHY!! You're gonna tell Penelope but no me!! Me!! And Penelope out of all people!! Y/N if you’re hurting you should have come to me!! I've been through this!! I am going through this!!”

“Why cant you realize that you can fucking come to me!!! I mean did do something fuking wrong?! Y/N, I'm asking you. “ You didn’t answer, how were you supposed to. You were still taking everything in and honestly none of it made sense. Was she mad, was she concerned. All you could tell was that there were tears running down your face and you didn't know how to stop it. You tried to breathe but you just couldn’t. “Y/N! God, whatever. Just know that you probably hate me right now, but I'll always be there for you.”

And with that she was out. She walked out of the room without looking back, or maybe she did, you just didn't see. This was too complicated for you to understand. Ha, and you were a profiler for god sakes. You wanted to run out but before you could you heard the door open. You didn’t look up because you were too ashamed to face Emily with all the tears running down your face. But suddenly you felt an arm on your shoulder. You turned around to see that shadow of a tall man that glared over you.

“Hotch?” You asked quietly. “Y/N,” he said looking down at you. You still hadn’t faced him in the eye. You couldn't, you were a mess and you couldn't let him of all people see you like this. Although when you think about it, if you like him, shouldn't he see you like this. You being the real, true, authentic Y/N. “Hotch, I, can explain.” You say while snifiling, his hands still on you. “No, let me explain.”

“Ever since the day you came here, I’ve been a terrible friend, boss, and all around human being. I’ve treated you like a child, and you're not one. You’re an exceptional agent and I'm so proud and grateful to have you on my team. And the fact that i keep making your life probably miserable, yeah, ha, im so fucking sorry Y/N. It’s just that, I'm scared. Scared of truly accepting my feelings of you. After Haley, I just can’t risk it. And that means I cant have feelings for you.”

“So, I thought that if I treated you worse then I wouldn't feel for you, but I was wrong. You are an amazing, brilliant, gorgeous woman who I just can't not not. The way you act with Jack just, it just makes me wanna marry you! But I was too scared to tell you. And I regret that everyday. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you and that I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

Did your boss, Hotch, just say that he loves you. Were you dreaming, was this real? Did you love him back? Of course, I mean you've been pining over him since you came to the BAU, right. He stopped talking for a few seconds, but then he did something unspeakable. He kissed you. And it was in this moment, when you truly realized. You didn’t love Aaron Hotchner. You loved someone else. Have you ever even loved him? You didn’t know. Maybe, the only reason you liked him was because he, well, there was something about him. But we will never know, or at least for now that is.

You pulled away after realizing that you weren’t kissing back. He didn’t seem to notice that small detail. “Hotch, no I can't.” You mutter while looking at him. “What do you mean?” He says confused. “I mean, you can't waltz in here saying that you love me and you’re sorry for the way you treated me and expect everything to be fine. Everything you did, everything you said, all those time and days, yeah they hurt. And you just can't say those 3 words and expect everything to be okay!” You hadn't realized it, but his hands weren't on you anymore, instead they were slowly retracting from you.

“That’s not how this works okay, you really hurt me. And I loved you. If you told me that you had any interest in me in a non-planonical way. I would have said yes. But instead you chose to hurt me and I can’t really forgive you for that.”

“Y/N I… I understand, I'm sorry. I truly am, I hope you can forgive me.” He says while in shock.

“I hope I can too Hotch.” And then suddenly you were out the door. Running down the stairs as if your life depended on it. “Where are you going!” Hotch yelled from the door of the briefing room. “Somewhere over the rainbow!” You said while quickly grabbing your coat from your desk. You realized that she would most likely be getting in her car right now since she wasn't at her desk. So with that knowledge, you sprinted down the stairs since you thought it would be faster, it wasn't.

And look, there she was. Right by her car trying to find the key to unlock it. “Emily!” You yelled while running over to her as fast as your now jelly legs could carry you. “Emily, wait up!!” She heard you this time and looked up to see you running over to her. “Y/N, is everything okay?” She was cut off with a kiss. A soft, tender, sweet kiss, right on the lips. It wasn't too big, but it was big enough. You pulled apart when you realized she wasn't kissing back.

“Y/N I-”

“No, wait, let me. Emily it took me so long to finally understand. Understand that it was you along. You were always there for me when I needed you the most, and I was stupid for not telling you, or realizing. You’re the one who’s opinion I care about the most, not Hotch! You’re the one i wanna see first when i get hurt, not Hotch! You’re the one I wanna see every morning I wake up, not Hotch!! I wanna be with you Em. Because you make me happy like that. You make me wanna be a better person everyday and I need that in my life! I need you in my fucking life Emily! And so I love you! I love you! I fucking love you Emily!”

“Y/N I- what are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I love you! I love you so much! I love you the way Romeo loved Juliet and the way the sun loves the moon!”

“Y/N, I love you too. But not in that way. Um, I'm dating JJ.”

Your heart dropped. You couldn't breathe. All the air was still there, but you couldn't take any of it in without dying. Was this real. For how long? Was it really too late? Why would this happen? Was everything not enough? After everything you had been through, did you really need this. And why did it have to be this? Why couldn't you just be happy for once? Just once!

“Oh,” You say not sure what to say. “That’s um, that's great Em. I’m really happy for you.” And with that, you started heading to the building. “Y/N wait!” She yelled. You just turned around and smiled a half assed smile, but she didn't have to know that. She probably did. How could you have not known. I mean you were a profile for god sakes! That was your job! This is what you do and you can’t even figure shit like this out!

You walked with a moping look and the personality of a dead person. You kept your head down as you dragged your legs up into the BAU. Keeping your head down fearing from someone who might accidentally see your waterfall of tears. You made your way up into the only place where you knew you could go for a hug and comfort. Well, besides the batcave. Rossi’s office. The door was open so you made your way in and immediately shut it causing him to look up in fright.

“Y/N you scared me. Are you okay?” He said while getting up as a reaction of seeing your crying face.

“No Rossi, I'm not.” You say while snifiling. He sat you down on his couch and placed a blanket over you. “What happened my dolce colomba?” The tears started spilling again when you told him everything. You couldn't help but not to. It was impossible. “My sweet sweet child, this looks hard. This is hard. But I want you to always know that I am always gonna be here for you. No matter what. I love you. We all love you.”

“Rossi, what do I do?”

“You just live. Try and see the good in every moment. For instance right now, youre talking with me instead of working on some boring paperwork so think about that. Think about your brother and all the memories you shared. But for now, just live because before you know it all of this will be over and you'll wonder where everything went. So no matter how just live in the moment. Even if it's hard, do it.”

“Living is hard.”

“I know mia dolce colomba, I know. But we do it anyway, It is not like we have a choice. But just alway rember that I will always be here for you. So if you ever wanna go chasing cars, make sure to call me.”

[abm111815]

Bad feeling: JJ x reader

Part two

Summary: will JJ be ok? How will he take the news about everything? Will y/n’s plan work out or ruin everything?....

“Hi, could you tell me what room JJ maybank is in? I’m his girlfriend.” You asked the nurse at the front desk. You had gotten up way earlier than you usually do but you were anxious to see your boyfriend. “Yes, he is in 212 its right down that hall last door on the left.” “Ok, thank you!” You called over shoulder as you sprinted towards his room. However, when you got to the door you froze. Were you ready to see him like that again? Slowly, you opened the door and you couldn’t contain the gasp that escaped your lips. He looked so fragile and pale, the machine helping him breathe and all the wires attached to him were overwhelming. Still, you made your way over to the side of his bed and pulled the chair up beside him. Grabbing his hand in yours, you traced around the many scratches and cuts on his hand trying to find the words to say. “Hey you, its me, y/n. Baby, I don’t know if you can hear me or not but I’m here ok? I know you don’t feel good and you need to rest but i sure would like to see you open those eyes soon ok? Ive got a lot to tell you, please don’t be mad at what i did, its the best thing for you i promise. I know you always say you have to protect me but now its my turn to protect you so you just have to let me ok?” You ran your hands through his hair with one hand while you tightly squeezed his hand with the other. His heart rate got faster making the monitors react. “JJ? Sweetie can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me honey.” You squeezed his hand again and waited to see if you got any response. You were starting to believe it was just a false alarm until you felt the slightest squeeze of your fingers and the slight jump in his heart rate. “There you go baby, that’s good! You just rest ok? I am not going anywhere, you rest and ill be right here when you wake up.” You placed a kiss on his forehead and his cheek until you placed one final kiss on the corner of his mouth.

You had been sitting at his bedside for a couple hours playing on your phone and keeping one hand holding his when the rest of the group knocked on the door. “Hey hey, hows our guy doing this morning?” Pope asked as the crew squeezed into the room. “He’s been good. I talked to him a little when i got here and he squeezed my hand and his heart rate jumped so that’s a good sign!” You said feeling a lot better now that you weren’t alone. You sat around in the room with the group playing card games and talking to JJ. John B had gotten him to squeeze his hand once but he only seemed to really do it for you, you hated to admit it but that made you feel good that he reacted like that with just you. Kie’s mom brought us all lunch from the Wreck and came to check on JJ. The crew left after a few more hours. You were still there just talking to JJ and running your hands through his hair when you heard on knock on the door. As you looked up you see your dad peeking into the door. Soon, your mom and dad are on the other side of JJ’s bed. “Hey, what are you guys doing here? Visiting hours are over in like 30 minutes so i was going to be home soon?” “We know honey, we just wanted to check on him, he doing ok today?” You told them about him reacting to you and john b. They were both very excited to hear that. “Well, that great to hear sweetie. Actually, we were here because we just got done at the sheriffs office. Luke has been arrested and wont be getting out anytime soon. The sheriff had no problem with us being his legal guardians so we just had to come down to sign some papers here saying that he would be coming home with us once he is discharged.” They had actually done it, they had gotten JJ out of that hell hole he called home. “You hear that babe? You don’t have to deal with him anymore, so you can wake up anytime now so we can go home ok?” “That’s right buddy, we got you now. Don’t think i wont be watching you two though! No funny business when you come home!” Your dad grinned as he tried to get a reaction out of JJ. “We gotta go for now, I’ll be back in the morning ok? We love you baby.” You placed a final kiss to his forehead and right before you let his hand go, JJ gave your fingers one last little squeeze. “I know, you love us too baby, i know.”

Opening the door to JJ’s room, you froze at what you seen and heard...or better yet, didn’t hear. There was no longer the sound of the machine breathing for him, no more tube down his throat. Your boy was laying there breathing. All. On. His. Own. His doctor came up behind you as you made your way into the room. “Well, i wanted to meet you before you came in here but you ruined the surprise,” he said with a grin. “Overnight, JJ started breathing a lot better and was doing just as much work as the machine so we started taking it down hour by hour. He was able to keep his oxygen levels up on his own so we took out the tube a couple hours ago. The sedation hasn’t fully worked its way out of his system yet so that’s why he isn’t awake. I would say he should wake up in the next couple hours.” You could not contain the smile on your face, you thanked the doctor and sent a text to your parents and the crew. You did tell everyone not to rush down there though, you wanted to let him wake up fully before people starting overwhelming him.

After a couple hours you were sitting there on your phone when you felt a squeeze of your hand, you eyes shot up to see JJ’s eyes trying to open. “Hey baby, take your time, you’ve been sleeping for awhile now.” You sat up onto the side of his bed and ran your fingers across his cheek. “Y/n..” he tried to talk but you could tell his throat was extremely dry. Slowly, those beautiful eyes opened and you’d never been so happy to see them in your life. “Here lets get a drink. Here, take small sips baby. Small sips, you gotta be careful.” You helped him sit up and drink, he winced as he sat up and grabbed at his ribs. “I’m sorry! You wanna lay back down?” He shook his head no and slowly eased back down on the bed. “What happened? How did i get here?” He looked around frantically and you could tell his was starting to panic. “Hey, hey look at me.” You grabbed his face with both hands and slowly turned him to face you. “I’m not 100% on what happened but we went to meet at the docks and you weren’t there. No one had heard from you since the day before and i had a feeling something was wrong. We split up to look for you and me and John B went to your house. I-i found-I found you on the floor of your living room JJ. You were covered in blood and unconscious.” You were trying to stay calm while telling him but it was not easy to hold back your emotions, he grabbed your hand to calm you. “We- we called 911 and t-they had to put a tube in to help you breathe...I was right there when they did it, JJ it was terrifying. I thought you weren’t coming back.” You couldn’t hold it in anymore, he gently pulled you into the bed and you laid your head on his chest as he played with your hair. After a few minutes, you calmed down, “Anyway, they told us what all injuries you had, concussion, broken ribs, cuts, bruises, you had been choked and it messed up your throat that’s why you couldn’t breathe. They wanted to keep you sedated for a few days to let everything heal, but of course you’re too stubborn to do that. You only lasted a day under sedation.” You chuckled and you could feel him slightly laugh at that as well. “There’s something else i have to tell you though JJ and please before you yell, just let me get it all out first ok?” He gave you a confused look for a second but eventually he nodded and told you to continue. “Ok....well after the doctor had told us everything, i-i got so angry babe. I have never been angrier in my whole life. Angry that a “father” could do that to their own kid?! So....i left the hospital and went home. When i got home, mom and dad asked why i was upset and i had to tell them JJ, i had to. Once i told them you were hurt, they had to know what happened and i wont protect him anymore. And before you butt in, I know you don’t keep it hidden to protect him but hear me out. Once dad knew the truth, he was livid. He said that he was going to tell the sheriff and i told him no because they would take you away. He said that was why he was going to tell them that they are going to be your legal guardians. I didn’t ask them baby, it was there idea, i swear. You know dad loves you. So anyway, they went yesterday while i was here with you. They arrested your dad baby, he wont be around for a long time. They let mom and dad be your guardians, so when you get to leave here, you are coming home with me, to your new home, our home. Please don’t hate me, i had to protect you. I wont let you live with him again.”

[calumance]

LA Devotee - Part XII

Warnings: smoking, cussing, some mentions of anxiety, insecurity

Word Count: 4.2k

Summary: Emily has agreed to move in with Calum, although she doesn’t necessarily regret that decision, she does come to a horrible realization on just how small her life actually is.

A/N: I’m SORRY this took so long!! I have most of this story written and when I go back to reread and edit, I end up hating my writing. So, I ended up rewriting pretty much this entire part. The next part I promise will come sooner than this one came! Happy reading!! Feedback and requests are always welcomed!!! (Want to be tagged? Let me know!)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI

Masterlist

           The weekend came, and my mind had absolutely reeling since I agreed to move in with Calum. Not that I didn’t want to, but what in the actual fuck was I doing moving in with a guy I met nearly a month ago? Calum agreed to meet me at my apartment so he could help me start packing. The boys were supposed to follow behind him, and I invited Mikayla and Trevor to come over and help as well. More people means the faster it gets done. I sat on the stoop of my apartment complex with a cigarette between my fingers. The last cigarette I had was three years ago, right after Nathan and I got into an extremely verbally violent fight. I hated smoking, but sometimes the nicotine just felt so good. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes and blew the smoke from my lungs. “I didn’t know you smoked.” Calum said.

           My left eye opened and looked at Calum. His hands were in his pockets and his sunglasses were placed perfectly on his nose. I opened my other as he sat next to me and I looked at the cigarette. “I don’t usually, just been on edge today.” I offered him the cigarette, remembering he had been smoking the night we met.

           He took the cigarette from my fingers and looked at it before delicately wrapping his lips around the butt. “Haven’t smoked since the night we met.” The smoke released from his lungs and I looked over at him. He handed the cigarette back to me and I took a drag as he dropped his head, “Why have you been on edge? Everything okay?”

           I finished off the cigarette and extinguished it before dropping it in the cigarette can the apartment complex had set up right outside the door. “Yeah, everything is fine.” I squinted my eyes and looked out towards the street. “Can you promise me something?” I choked out dropping my eyes to my hands which were physically trembling. Calum’s eyes stared a whole in the side of my head through his sunglasses. My fingers balled into a fist and then flexed as my mind fought to get the words out. “Can you promise me that you’re in this for the long run, that this isn’t some type of PR stunt, that you’re with me because you genuinely like me.”

           “Emily, I thought we’ve gone over this—” he tried to speak but I quickly cut him off.

           “The public loves a good sob story. I’m a great sob story, I came from nothing, I have virtually nothing. If people found out about my personal life, they’d be all over you and the career. I don’t want us to destroy your career, and as selfish as it sounds, I don’t want your career to destroy us.” I continued to stare at my hands, not wanting to see his expression.

           He dropped his own eyes to his hands and shook his head. “We’re not a PR stunt, I can promise you that. I can also promise you that I am with you because of you, I’ve told you that. I can promise that being with you is not going to destroy my career, I wish I could promise you that my career won’t destroy us.” I finally looked at him through squinted eyes, and he looked at me, his face expressionless, “My career is what destroyed a good majority of my past relationships. However, I do believe you and I can be strong enough to not let my career come between us. Is this what’s been bothering you today?”

           Just as I nodded, Ashton, Luke and Michael came rounding the corner. Ashton holding some beer, Luke and Michael holding a large amount of boxes. “We’re here for the moving party!” Ashton exclaimed while lifting the beer above his head.

           I smiled and stood up, wiping the dirt off my pants. “Go ahead and head inside, Mikayla said she’d be here in just a couple of minutes.” I handed Calum the key to my apartment. Ashton, Luke and Michael walked past us into the building and I grabbed Calum’s hand before he walked away. He looked at me, not even his normal smile sitting on his lips. “I don’t mean to be self-conscious. I’ve just been through too much shit in my life to make this, us, feel real. I do want to move in with you and I do want to not let your career get in between us.” The right side of his lips pulled up into a soft smile and he dropped my hand and caressed my cheek. My eyes closed and I leaned into his touch. His lips pressed against mine for a sweet second before he ran his hand down my arm and followed the boys inside.

           After Calum walked inside, I sat back on the stairs and waited for Mikayla. When Mikayla showed up, the look on my face gave away everything that I was thinking. She sent Trevor ahead of her and sat next to me. Once Trevor was out of ear shot, I spat out, “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”

           “Yes.” She didn’t even hesitate, she barely had a second to blink before she responded. My eyebrows stitched together as I looked at her. “Look, you and Calum really care about each other. Maybe you even love each other, I don’t know. It’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and move the fuck on from your past. Calum’s good for you, even if you don’t think he is.” She laced her arm with mine and laid her head on my shoulder. “Plus, we’ll still have sleepovers, especially since your new place is a hundred times bigger than this dump. Also why do you smell like an ash tray?”

           I pulled my eyebrows together in fake offense, “Hey, I like this dump.” I laughed before I could get the whole sentence out. “You’re right, it’s a dump, and I definitely hate it here. Also, I used to smoke, and I’ve been really anxious today, so I bummed a cigarette off my neighbor.” Mikayla shot me a look and I held up my hands, “Last cigarette ever, I promise.” Mikayla smiled before letting out a laugh. She then stood up and offered me a hand to lift me off the ground. We walked in together, arms laced together.

           When we walked in, the guys had already gotten most of my living room and kitchen pulled apart. It tugged at my chest a little that in that little amount of time, half of my apartment as already been pulled apart. Calum was pulling books off my shelf and I walked over to him. He smiled at me and I wasted no time to wrap my arms around his waist and press my head to his chest. He placed his hand on the back of my head and bent his neck to place a kiss on the top of my head. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled, my cheek still pressed to his chest.

           “For what, sunshine?” His fingers scraped across my scalp as his finger ran though my hair, his other arm squeezing me just slightly.

           “For being so stupid.” I wanted to apologize for being a piece of shit, but saying that I was stupid sounded a little nicer.

           He chuckled, causing his chest to vibrate under my face. “You’re not stupid, it’s okay to feel the way you feel. Everything’s fine, sunshine, don’t worry about it.” He placed my chin between his thumb and index finger and tilted my face up to his. His lips pressed to mine and I melted into his kiss. Every time I kissed him, it was there were tiny little fireworks going off in my stomach. It was like I would never be able to get enough of the feeling of his lips against mine. He inhaled slightly as he pressed harder into the kiss and I thought about what Mikayla said about us. She had suggested we loved each other, and feeling my lips tingle against his, I think that maybe her suggestion was right. Remembering we had people in my apartment, I break the kiss and pull my bottom lip in to continue to taste his lips on mine. Calum’s eyes had darkened, and he stared into my eyes in a way that my body heat up, “I’m going to go pack up my room now.” I said, running a single finger under my bottom lip. Calum nodded and I practically ran into my bedroom, closing the door behind me.

           It took almost no time to pack up my entire apartment, and I could not decide if that felt good, or incredibly horrible. Ashton and Luke took everything I didn’t need to the donation center, which was the largest load. Trevor and Mikayla had their car packed with boxes, and so did Calum, Michael, and I. After the cars were packed up, I stood in the middle of my empty apartment and looked at my fingers. My whole life, what was left of it, took seven people a few hours to pack. A new weight suddenly found itself on my shoulders; was my life really that pathetic? After one more visual scan of the room, I turned on my heels and left behind the place that I called home for the past four months.

           Calum was waiting outside the leasing office for me, leaning against the wall and his hands in his pockets. As I walked toward him, I unwound my key from the key ring and gripped it tightly in my fist. Calum pushed himself off the wall as I walked past him into the office. The woman behind the desk smiled and held out her hand asking for the key. I tapped the key with my fingers a few times before finally handing it over. After paying the ridiculous fee for breaking my lease early, which Calum had offered to pay, but after I shot him a look, he backed down, we left. As we walked away from the building, I reached over and grabbed Calum’s hand. This was a new start, and I was not going to look back.

           Trevor and Mikayla followed the line of cars to Calum’s house, Calum in the front, then Michael, then me. It was finally dark out and I was becoming increasingly more exhausted as we got closer to Calum’s house. While driving, I held in the want to cry. My thoughts swimming back to how sad it was that my entire life took only a couple of hours to pack up and discard. It was like I had nothing to show for. I’ve been on this earth for over twenty years, and everything I own is packed up into thirty boxes, if that. The anger boiled through my veins and my knuckles turned white from the grip I had on my steering wheel.

           Just as the emotions were about to boil over, we all pulled into Calum’s driveway. Before getting out of my car, I took a long deep breath and shook my hands out. Michael, Trevor and Mikayla had starting taking boxes inside, but Calum stopped and looked at me. Something on my face must’ve given away that I was about to cry or scream because Calum grabbed my right hand then pressed his other hand to my cheek, “Are you okay, sunshine?” Without looking at Calum’s face, I nodded. He knew I was lying, “Tell me the truth.”

           A sigh caused my shoulders to fall, “I’m a little overwhelmed. It took zero time to pack up and move my entire life. I knew I lost everything, but I didn’t realize how much I actually lost, and how little I have left.” I looked down at my feet and swallowed down the anger. My hands started to tremble and I balled my fingers into fists, squeezing Calum’s hand, “I don’t even have anything to show for myself.” I shifted my feet and looked to my left to watch Mikayla walk through the front door with a box in her arms.

           “Sunshine, you have plenty of things to show for yourself.” He put his finger on the side of my chin, turning my head so that I had to look at him. “You have an amazing job, you have an amazing best friend, you have probably the best wardrobe I’ve ever seen,” That made me smile, I loved my wardrobe too, “And you’ve got me, don’t you?” A shit-eating grin stretched across his face, “I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty great.”

           I couldn’t help but laugh. He dropped his hand from my chin and I reached towards his chest to play with the fabric of his shirt. As I eyed the material I shook my head, “No matter how long we’re together, I don’t think I will ever understand how I got you.” My eyes met with his, he smiled and a twinkle in his eyes lit up the brown ring around his pupils. I wanted so badly to tell him I loved him, but what if he didn’t feel the same way? Instead, I swallowed and shook my head again. He took that as a sign to press his lips against mine, a needy kiss that made my entire stomach light on fire. I pushed against him slightly, pushing his lips off mine, but keeping them close enough that they grazed over mine as I spoke, “Our friends are still here.”

           Calum looked at our friends coming out of his house, “I supposed that means should wait, huh?” He looked back at me, the smirk on his lips quickly fading and concern washed over his eyes. “Are you going to be okay?” His right hand reached towards my cheek and gently caressed my face. I nodded before splitting away from him and helping our friends carry the rest of the boxes into the house. As soon as the last box was dropped, Mikayla and Trevor bid their goodnight and headed out. Calum offered Michael and beer, which he excitedly accepted after the long day. “Do you want a drink too, love?” My eyes were glued to the small amount of boxes that were stacked just inside of Calum’s front door.

           Calum grabbed my fingers and it took everything in me to pry my eyes away from the boxes and look at him. I blinked away the glaze in my eyes and shook my head, “No,” A smile stretched across my lips, I tried to not make it look fake, but I could tell he knew it was. “No, I think I am going to go to bed. It’s been a long day.” He nodded, pulling me into his chest to kiss me one last time. After he told me he’d come to bed right after Michael left, I headed down the hallway to our, now, shared bedroom.

           The door clicked shut, and I turned and looked around the room. Duke was laying on the bed, his tail wagging. I smiled at him and reached down to place a gentle scratch to the top of his head. Even though I was familiar with it now, it was different knowing that my things were going to have their own space. His and mine was going to turn into ours. He’s lived such a fulfilling life thus far, and I’ve just lived. My eyes shut and I sat on the end of the bed, tears finally falling, not out of sadness, but out of anger. Anger that I felt completely and utterly about myself. The only thing I could think of making me feel better was going to bed. I kicked off my shoes and stripped down to my underwear, not having the energy to find anything to sleep in. After I crawled under the covers, Duke took his spot next to me in a ball. The warmth of the blankets took over and I gave into the desire to sleep.

           I woke up when Calum finally made his way to bed. As the door shut, I wiped my face, not realizing I had cried in my sleep. He was taking his shoes off when I pushed myself up into a sitting position. When he saw me sitting up, his face softened, “Hey, sunshine, I didn’t mean to wake you up. Go back to sleep, I’ll be right back.” He ran the pads of his fingers across my jaw line as he walked into the bathroom. The sound of the faucet running allowed my body to relax and I laid back down, my back facing Calum’s side of the bed. My eyes closed, but I listened for Calum’s movements. When he finally laid in bed, I turned and pulled myself into his side, placing my head against his chest. He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me, “Goodnight, sunshine.”

           When my eyes fluttered open, I immediately grabbed my phone to look at the time. It was only six in the morning, but I was wide awake. My phone made a slapping noise as I dropped it back onto the side table and cursed under my breath. As great as it was to have a finely tuned body clock, it was absolutely horrible when you have every intention of sleeping in. Calum was still fast asleep, but Duke lifted his head and wagged his tail furiously seeing that I was awake. I carefully climbed out of bed, trying my hardest to not wake Calum up. The only time he stirred was when Duke jumped off the bed. Before leaving the room, I grabbed my phone off the table and pulled on a pair of Calum’s sweat pants and one of his t-shirts. As Duke and I walked out, I shut the door as quietly as possible, the only noise being Duke’s little claws on the wood floor.

           Duke ran ahead of me, towards the back door, I hesitated when my eyes landed on the boxes that we had stacked up the night before. My insecurities knocking in the back of my head wondering if should just throw everything but my clothes away. I held my breath as I turn to look behind me, towards the bedroom and try to shake the thoughts out of my head. Duke whimpers slightly, pulling me out of my thoughts and I keep walking through the house. As I open the back door, he does a little dance and goes running towards the patch of grass in the corner of the backyard. Feeling the cool morning air, I step outside and listen to the birds while keeping a side eye on Duke to wait for him to finish his morning duties. As soon as he comes running back to me, I turn and we both head back inside.

           My mind continues to race as I prepared a pot of coffee. To keep my thoughts quiet, I reach down and pick up the little black and white dog at my feet. He licks my face and I laugh, giving him a chin scratch back. The coffee maker gurgles signaling the end of the cycle. I lean down to put Duke back on the ground and pour myself a cup. I took a sip of the coffee after putting my normal amount of cream and sugar in it and looked towards the backyard again.

           A thought pops in my head and I grab my coffee and head through the backdoor. Duke follows me and I watch him run around like the happy little dog he is. I find a shaded corner to sit in and place my coffee cup on the table before taking a seat. My fingers absent mindedly tap at my phone, thinking about the person I want to talk to the most. My finger slides up on the screen, unlocking it, then tap my mom’s contact. When she answered I told her about everything that has happened since the last time we talked. Some of it was a lie, some of it was the truth, but the only time I lied was so that she didn’t think I had absolutely lost my mind. Which, I was pretty certain I had, but she didn’t need to know that.

           We talked for a while, until I decided to go back inside and wait for Calum to wake up. The house was quiet as I scrolled through my phone while sitting on the barstool in his kitchen. I stared into the void and tapped the edge of my coffee mug. The sound of the bedroom door opening pulled me out of my thoughts. Soon enough, a sleepy Calum was coming into the kitchen. He was rubbing his eye and yawning, all he was wearing was a pair of light grey sweat pants that were hanging low enough to make my stomach do a back flip. I swallowed and forced a smile so I would stop staring at him. “Good morning, sunshine. Why are you awake so early?” He asked, his voice raspy, still fighting the sleep.

           As I thought of how I wanted to answer him, he closed the space between us and planted a kiss on my forehead before turning towards the coffee maker and pouring a cup of coffee for himself. “This really stupid thing happens in your mind as you get older, and it makes it so that you can never sleep past a certain time.” Calum chuckled as the coffee poured into his cup, a plume of steam escaping out of the top of the mug. “My body is so used to getting up at the same time every day that I can’t sleep in. It’s really annoying.” I took a drink of my coffee and Calum chuckled again.

           He opened the fridge and pulled the milk out, “How long have you been awake?” I stared at his back muscles while he poured the milk into his coffee and stirred it with the spoon I had left out. He turned to me and raised his eyebrows waiting for my answer.

           My voice got caught in my throat, “Oh, uh, a little over an hour. I talked to my mom, I hadn’t talked to her in a while.” Calum took a drink of his coffee and raised his eyebrows. “I told her about you, she seemed pretty excited that I was finally climbing out of my rut.” I put the lip of my coffee mug to my lips and raised my eyebrows, “Those were her exact words.” Calum smiled and I took a sip from my coffee.

           Calum chuckled then rounded the corner stopping at my side long enough to place another kiss on the side of my head. “I’m going to go sit outside if you’d like to join me.” My eyes watched him as he walked out the back door, Duke following close behind him. Just as the door closed, I turned and hopped off the barstool to follow the same path.

           The warm breeze blew across my face as I made my way towards where he was sitting. The thought of sitting in his lap crossed my mind, but I took my seat in the chair next to him. He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, the sun glowing against his tanned skin. Every sense in my body telling me to get on him, but I swallowed the thoughts and looked away from him. “Do you want to unpack now, or do you want to wait?” He asked, his eyes still closed.

           My eye focused back on him, his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. Maybe it would be the right idea to unpack quickly and just get it over with, but as I stared at him, the lust inside my body grew. His chest slowly rising and falling with every breath he took, the sun dancing across his skin causing it to almost glisten. I could no longer help myself, I set my coffee mug down on the little table in front of me and slowly made my way over to straddle his lap. My hands gently resting on either side of his face, I pull him towards me and kiss him passionately. He pressed his lips harder against mine and his hands ran up my thighs and up and under my t-shirt until they were firmly placed on my back. His hands started to trail further up my back and I pulled my lips off his. He opened his eyes and let his hands rest where they were. “Can we wait, there’s something else I’d rather do?” A smirk pulled at the side of his mouth before he nodded and crashed his lips back onto mine. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

[writing-is-escapisim]

Our Future. Our Family. - A Poe Dameron Pregnancy/Baby’s Daddy FanFiction  (1)

Synopsis: It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this. Not now. But the force and fate had other plans for Poe Dameron and I.

Disclaimer: I do not own Poe Dameron or any of the Star Wars characters to appear in this story. They belong to Disney and Lucasfilm. 

Words: 1,228 

Warnings: None 

Taglist: @galaxy-of-stories @shydragonrider @x-wingwarriorbbpoe8 @agalaxyofselfships @carietrekkie

Chapters: 

(1) - You Are Here 

(2) 

Masterlist

~~~

I groaned as I stirred in my sleep, this was the second or possibly third morning I’d been awoken like this. Each morning was the same, I’d awaken with overpowering nausea, only to have to dash to the toilet of the wet room style en-suite bathroom of the room I shared on the resistance base, with my boyfriend, the resistance poster boy x-wing pilot, Poe Dameron.

Yep, Poe ‘I can fly anything’ Dameron was my boyfriend. How I’d gotten so lucky was beyond me, and Poe would say he was the lucky one, but what mattered was we were together and were very much in love with each other.

Nausea in my stomach once again got the better of me, as I sat up, swung my legs over the edge of the bed and burst into the bathroom, just making it on time as I emptied the contents of last night’s dinner into the toilet.

“Ugh,” I thought to myself, as I stood in front of it bent over. My head felt like it was swimming and I really did not feel so good.

It was at that moment that a hand placed itself on my back and another pulled my long bed head look, brunette hair back from my face.

“You alright there baby?” Poe’s voice came from behind me.

“I don’t feel so good my handsome flyboy” I whimpered. Feeling like I might faint at any moment.

Poe and I had many nicknames for each other, baby for me and handsome flyboy for him amongst them.

I then vomited some more, Poe holding my hair back and rubbing my back lovingly whilst I did so.

Thankfully it didn’t go on much longer, and when I was convinced that the sickness has passed, I attempted to step back only to stumble and be caught by Poe’s strong arms.

“It’s ok, it’s ok. I’ve got you” He reassured me.

With gentleness, he cleaned me up before guiding me back to the bedroom and sitting me down on the edge of the bed.

“Emma sweetheart, this is the third morning you’ve been like this. I really think you should go to the med bay.” He suggested, “If I’m honest I’m worried about you and I hate seeing you like this.”

“Ok, I’ll go. Just let me eat first”

Poe rolled his eyes and smiled that smile of his at me.  

“Good to see you’ve still got an appetite”

I managed to smile back, and being the all-round amazing boyfriend he was, Poe made us some breakfast which we ate in-between bits of conversation. The two of us then getting ready and going off to get on with our day afterwards.

My job on the resistance base was being a personal assistant to none other than General Leia Organa herself.

Leia had been the one to introduce me and Poe and held us both in high regard, seeing us almost like a son and daughter.

On my way to her office, I head to the medical bay to get my sickness checked to, only to collide with someone on the way.

“Sorry!” I quickly apologised. Guilt washing over me like a tidal wave when I realised it was Leia.

“General, I am so so sorry. I was…otherwise mentally engaged there.”

She chuckled

“It’s ok Emma, you’re on your way to the med bay I see and quite right too.” She told me.

“How..how did you..of course, the force.” I realised

“If you need me I’ll be in the comms room and don’t worry, everything is going to be alright.”

There was a glint in her eyes to say she knew something I didn’t, I watched her walk off before I went to the medical bay.

It was at the medical bay that I got seen to by one of the medical droids that worked there.

I explained about the vomiting to it, it asked me a series of questions but one of them shocked me.

“When was your last bleed?”

That was when it dawned on me. I hadn’t had my monthly yet. In fact, it was abnormally late.

Not only that, but Poe and I had taken our relationship to another level mere weeks ago.

As I lay on the medical bed, contemplating what all this meant the droid ran some tests on me.

The results came back not long after, and all read the same thing.

I was carrying a child within me.

Poe’s child.

Our child.

No, no, no! This was not how it was supposed to happen. The evil tyrannical regime that was The First Order was supposed to be destroyed. Peace and justice were supposed to be restored to the galaxy, before Poe and I could settle down together on his home world of Yavin IV. Then the two of us could try for a family.

I ran a shaking hand through my hair as I tried to come to terms with this. I was scared and I felt sick.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I wanted children and I wanted children with Poe. Just not now.

The medical droid then dismissed me and said a scan appointment would be made for me in due course.

I quietly thanked it and left the medical bay to find Leia. I would, of course, have to tell Poe, but right now I needed Leia for female and motherly like support more than anything.

I found Leia in the comms room with one of her advisors going through some intel one of the squadrons had bought back from a recent mission.

She smiled at me when she saw me

“Ah Emma there you are, you got some answers in the med bay I take it?”

“General Organa, I really need to talk to you…alone.”

Handing back over a data pad she was holding to a nearby officer, the two of us headed to her office.

She sat me down at her desk and made me a tea, before sitting opposite me.

“Well Emma, first of all my congratulations are in order to you, and to Poe of course.”

“I..I don’t even know how to process this General Organa, let alone how to tell Poe.  This. This is all so…”

“Sudden. Yes, given the timing and circumstances we find ourselves in. Though if you will allow me to speak to you, openly. Woman to woman. From a mother to a mother-to-be.”

“Of course General.”

“I sense many things through the force Emma. I sensed Ben in my womb, just as I sense the child in you now. So I knew you were with a child when we met earlier, and I stand by what I said. Everything is going to be alright. I know you’re scared right now, but trust me. Poe can have all the time off he needs so he can be there for you, and when the time comes you’ll have a safe place to give birth to your child. Besides I’m always here for you. As is Poe and your friends here.”

She squeezed my hand in hers.

“You can do this Emma, I have every faith in you and try to remember…the force will be with you…always.”

Leia’s words brought me comfort, and I felt somewhat better about my newly discovered pregnancy.

But one thing still remained…how to tell Poe.

[tcfkag]

Spoonie Life: My Last Week (fun with complications)

So, I’m having a really rough week. It feels like literally the second I get a break from one thing or a handle on another, then another thing pops up. I never get a break and it is exhausting. And sometimes it just makes you feel so alone because even those that support you - and I have a hugely supportive community of people in my life - just can’t understand. I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed and anxious and alone and my therapist does not have any availability to see me...possibly for months. So I wanted to just write up everything I’m going through because sometimes that helps but also because hopefully some of you may have gone through some similar things (esp. blood clots and ovarian cysts) and could give advice and/or just support. 

Here’s a (not so) short summary of shit that’s been going on lately (in list form because why not). Don’t feel like you have to read it all. I know everyone has their own things going on. But I just needed somewhere to vent and while I shared some of this on FB, I also feel freer to be honest and just fully disclose how hard this is for me here. Sometimes that’s one good thing about this hell site - less reason to self-censor and try to sound positive/hopeful/happy when I really truly am not.

Last Monday (the 15th), I finally finished three months of IV antibiotics I was on for an intra-abdominal abscess (an infected collection of fluid that was right underneath my diaphragm which meant that, for a while, it hurt to even take a breath). 

Good news right? Stopped it about a week ago which is awesome because the antibiotics were infused two hours x three times a day (i.e. six f*cking hours a day that I was connected to an IV bag).

But, I knew I would need a follow-up CT scan that was scheduled for this past Wednesday....and who knew what that would show.

Towards the end of last week, I started feeling very tired all the time. And then my physical stamina just suddenly....decompensated abruptly. I would get tired doing anything. Monotasker and I went to the grocery store and halfway through, I had to sit down (or risk passing out). After a few minutes, I told him “we need to get out of here” so we rushed through the rest of the basics we needed. And then while he checked out, I sat on a bench near-by. My heart was racing, I was out of breath, I was dizzy and light-headed, and just generally felt like I had run a 5K. 

The first couple times this happened I thought “well, maybe I’m out of shape, I *haven’t* been working out at ALL lately. But then I remembered, it was what - a week ago that I attended NYCC where sure, I got tired sometimes and had to sit down once in a while, but it was nothing like this. And I knew that fitness doesn’t decompensate like that....it’s sad that when confronted with such a serious health issue that my first reaction was to just....blame myself. Right away.

So last Sunday (a little over a week ago), I went into the ER to get checked out. I hoped it was something SIMPLE, like dehydration or maybe my anemia had gotten worse or low levels of some kind of electrolyte imbalance. Anything that could be handled in a single evening. Three guesses about whether that was really the problem (though if you’ve followed me for more than a hot minute, I’m sure you know that the right answer is...because of course, NOTHING is ever simple).

At the ER, they decided to do the CT scan I was supposed to have that Wednesday just to make sure there wasn’t anything they were missing. And while the abscess they had been treating was largely unchanged (so they are going to stop the antibiotics), they also found that I had a blood clot in my pelvis. This is my third blood clot but the other two (a DVT in 2008 and a PE in 2015) were both post-surgical. This is my first blood clot that happened “spontaneously”. The admitted me to the hospital for about 48 hours and put me on a heparin drip until they could get a blood thinner arranged to release me and send me home. 

A few observations and factoids about blood clots and their treatment for those who are interested.

People with Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis (i.e. IBD) are more prone to blood clots. If you have IBD (or any autoimmune disease actually), you should be aware of this risk and know the signs of blood clots (esp. after surgery) and make sure to take preventative measures like standing up to walk around on long flights.

 Traditionally, blood clots were treated with the blood thinner warfarin (Coumadin is its brand name). It takes a few days to get to the correct level in your blood, so you have to be on injections of another blood thinner Lovenox (twice a day, at home, injected yourself) until your “INR” reaches the right level in your blood. While on warfarin you have to have regular bloodwork to check your INR - every few days at first, then weekly, and if you’re on it long term the tests become less common.

This is very challenging for me - after ALL the health issues I’ve had, my veins are completely shot. Even basic blood work is a challenge.

There is a newer genre of blood thinners out there called DACOs - you’ve probably heard of them (they include Xarelto and Elliquis) which are better for a couple reasons, I guess, but the main one for me is the lack of required blood thinners. Three guesses on whether my health insurance approved them? NOPE. They sent me into pre-authorization hell (which frequently means “nope never going to happen” but in this case I hope means “well if your doctor pushes hard enough, we’ll give in eventually).

Question: has anyone gotten one of the DACOs approved? Is there anything specific that you had to prove? How did it end up working out?

If you are someone who menstruates, just be aware - going on a blood thinner can cause your period to start early (mine started less than two days after starting them - at least a week or two early) AND it will make your period longer and heavier. 

P.S. - the GYN I saw yesterday said that Xarelto would make that even worse which leads into a later part of this post, but basically she said it was really important that I get my IUD replaced if I was going to be on Xarelto long term.

Since this is my third blood clot, it may mean that I will have to be on blood thinners permanently, which I’m not looking forward to AT ALL. Because really, do I need another medical complication? The answer is no. No, I do not. WHICH MAKES THE NEXT PART OF THIS POST IRONIC.

So this is the part of the post that I could actually use some advice on. 

So for a while, maybe as long as a year, every CT or MRI I’ve had has included a note from the radiologist saying that a benign ovarian cyst was seen on the scan (or sometimes it was called an “inclusive cyst” from the ovary into the peritoneal area. It would sometimes “recommend follow up with a GYN”. Okay....fair enough.

When I asked my GI and my PCP about it a long while ago (maybe even two years ago), they both sort of just said “sure you should see an OB-GYN about that at some point” but really didn’t follow-up on it. And then time passed because I had a LOT of other health issues that took precedence.

Sometime nine-months to a year ago, I started having pain in the area where my rectum used to be, especially when I was sitting at my desk at work. There were days it was so bad that I could not sit directly on my butt at all and had to constantly find different positions. And on those days, I would frequently also have pretty severe pain in my pelvis. For months I basically ignored it...again, I have chronic pain and I had bigger fish to fry. Again, it got put on the back burner. Until one day it was so painful I was crying at work. So I called my PCP who also called my GI and he looked at my scan and said “it’s probably that cyst, you should see a GYN....” Still no urgency (and my PCP even said “I don’t know i it’s that - sometimes doctors like to blame cysts when they just don’t know what else is wrong.”) Again and again, this cyst was acknowledged but treated as no big deal - a nuisance to be dealt with eventually.

Side note: at no point in this did my PCP or my GI bother to ask me about pain with sex, despite that being a somewhat obvious question.

So nine months ago (or so), my PCP finally did get me a referral to see someone in the minimally invasive surgical OB-GYN office. I called to make that appointment and was told “you cannot see a surgeon until you’ve seen one of the GYNs” so I got an appointment for several months later with a GYN in the office. 

Then, I had to cancel two different appointments with her because I kept being sick and/or in the hospital...and of course, each new appointment was two-three months later. 

So my appointment with the GYN (who was lovely) was yesterday. She told me that my cyst (which is in both the ovary and the peritoneum) is now the size of a GRAPEFRUIT! It is almost certainly to blame for the pain I get sometimes in my (former) rectal area and the pain I have when I have sex. She said that even if it’s “benign”, if it’s symptomatic like this, I shouldn’t have to live that way. For the first time, I had a doctor who I felt like was taking this issue seriously even though it wasn’t related to my IBD and was “just” a lady issue. (Though to be fair to my PCP, she has taken it seriously in the past, but it’s just not her specialty).

This GYN also said she’d be willing to take me to the procedure room and sedate me to put an IUD in, whether I have surgery or not because I had such a bad experience getting it last time!!! I really loved that she took my concerns about that seriously. Bless her.

So the (very extended) upshot is that I made an appointment with the minimally invasive surgeon who I was supposed to see SIX-NINE months ago (who, amazingly enough, had an appointment available MONDAY) and I may need to have another surgery to take care of this cyst. This cyst that wasn’t always the size of a grapefruit....but years of being told that it was benign, to “check it out” eventually, and having all of my other health needs take precedence has now left me here. With a huge cyst that has ruined my sex life and is starting to seriously impact my everyday life too.

TL;DR? I have TERRIBLE LUCK. ESPECIALLY this week. And I’m just feeling absolutely overwhelmed, lonely, and frustrated. And if you’ve had experience having surgery for an ovarian cyst, especially one that’s “including��� on something outside the ovary, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the procedure and whether it helped and was worth it.

[teenremus]

meeting sirius black / asking you out would include...

a/n: idk why i’m having so much trouble writing lmao oopsies it’s been a hot minute. i’ve had 0 motivation for 0 reason anyway here u go request something pls :)

gryffindor!reader

- he had his eye on you since the sorting hat ceremony

- he thought you were. so cute. and you being placed in the same house was him was just all the better

- while he had had interest, he didn't see you much after that first day and forgot about you

- until fifth year

- you were in the same potions class

- of course, it had been a while

- it wasn't until the middle of first term when he recognized you

- after dicking around with remus in the back of the class, the two of them were separated

- and your usual partner, severus, had gotten replaced

- you didn’t really know severus, besides the snide comments you’d received from him on more than one occasion

- but you weren’t too ecstatic about sirius either

- you prepared yourself for the most excruciating annoyance for a lifetime

- but it wasn’t that bad ??? surprise surprise

- it took a moment for him to piece together where he knew you from

- but when he placed it, he smirked to himself, although you didn’t seem too keen on talking to him with your head in a textbook

- he found it uncomfortably silent

- “i’m sirius, love.”

- “y/n.” you didn’t look up

- “love sounds better.”

- you hated that you blushed, but you did

- you told yourself it was just some pickup line

- but he had genuine interest in you

- it showed every day

- he’d keep talking to you

- and you started to warm up to him more and more

- not only metaphorically, but physically

- his constant compliments made your stomach do jumping jacks

- remus sat behind you during all that time

- and was getting increasingly annoyed at the slow burn

- “you going to ask her out, mate, or are you sitting around waiting for someone else to?”

- “oh, piss off, moony”

- that made him nervous though

- and he started to notice the lingering gazes from some ravenclaw fellow in your class

- when he watched him graze your hand to reach a jar of dried bat wings, he was fed up he got jealous a little too easily

- when you came back with the jars of ingredients, he spoke immediately

- “what do you think about going out with me?”

- “pardon me?”

- “what would you think of you and me getting together?”

- “i think it would be nice”

- “good”

- “so are you asking me or not, wanker?”

- “well, yeah. i thought that was clear enough.”

slytherin!reader

- you knew who sirius was

- of course you knew who sirius was

- the blood trailer your house mates had shit talked into oblivion

- and while you weren't a believer that he was a blood traitor, you did believe he was complete and utter arse

- you'd been witness of him every day leaning against one of the doors to the great hall, with a different girl

- when quidditch season started up, you had joined the team

- and after an interaction on a training field, you had learned he was on his team as well

- it was a screaming match between your team captain and his

- you had to diffuse the situation

- “michael, come on, we still have time later. we don’t have a match for a few weeks. let it go.”

- you quite literally had to pull him away

- you made eye contact with sirius and james as you turned him away, and did your best to ignore the arrogant smirks that blanketed their thankfulness

- you saw him up close again at the match against gryffindor, standing across from each other and not breaking eye contact as the ref read out the rules

- once in the air, the game had been going swimmingly

- gryffindor - 7, slytherin - 10

- the game had traveled up farther in the sky with each point gained, the crowd could barely see you anymore with the amount of clouds

- it was a struggle in getting the quaffle

- “woah! guys, look out!” someone screamed

- you stopped your broom in its place and looked to see that everyone else had done the same, and you wondered what was going on

- you looked up, and saw somebody falling

- “holy shit, that’s sirius!” it was another gryffindor you couldn’t place

- no one was making any moves to save him, some continuing on with the game and snatching quaffles again— he kept falling

- “ah, bloody hell”

- you dropped the quaffle that had been tucked under your arm and quickened your broom’s pace as you dove down to catch him

- he was just beneath your grasp, your fingers barely touching his uniform

- when you finally got ahold of the fabric, he almost pulled you down with him

- you moved your grip to his forearm instead, and stopped your broom from diving down any further, or in just a few seconds you’d end up hitting the ground

- you were sure he’d be passed out

- but apparently not

- he brushed his hair out of his face with his free hand, then held onto the broom as he looked up

- “seems ive fallen for you, y/n.”

- “that is,,, absurdly lame, sirius.”

ravenclaw!reader

- it was through detention, of course

- you’d never noticed him because you’d been sleeping

- but he knew you

- or at least, he knew of you

- he thought you were so beautiful and he truly wondered how you kept getting into detention like this

- but he wasn’t complaining

- he rarely saw you outside of whatever classroom confined the two of you, so he knew what you were doing wasn’t as much of a spectacle as his pranks were

- could’ve been cheating, he considered

- but you were a ravenclaw, he figured it was doubtful

- sirius has never spoken a word to you, by the time he had reached detention each day you were already asleep. when it was time to leave, you were one of the first to escape

- until detention was held by professor binns 

- he took wands, homework, any sources of happiness or busy work for the students to do

- including sleeping

- he wanted you to suffer in boring, magic-less silence with nothing to do but stare at the walls

- sirius was not having it

- when he got bored, he got really annoying

- he just kept asking questions

- “what’s the capital of the moon?”

- “do you reckon dumbledore keeps quills in his beard? as well as all the crumbs, of course.”

- it went on

- the continuous detentions was worth seeing you smile, even if it was beneath your hand

- you wondered if this was what you were missing out on all the times you slept

- when sirius wasn’t looking at you, you were looking at him, taking in his features

- he had almost caught you

- james definitely caught you

- but didn’t say anything, just winked in your direction to let you know he knew

- when james didn’t show up one day, sirius was alone

- or would have been, if he hadn’t sat down next to you

- “so, what’re you in for?”

- “would you believe me if i told you filch doesn’t like it when his office is broken into for fireworks?”

- he leaned back in his chair, almost impressed “hm. impressive............... but-“

- there was a long pause, and he pulled himself up again and rested his elbow on the table as he looked at you

- “i know a place you can get them for free. hogsmeade with me this weekend?”

- mcgonagall’s shushing broke the conversation

- silence again, just for a moment before she looked down at her desk

- “i’d love to.”

hufflepuff!reader

- he had run into you on the courtyard

- or rather, spotted you

- yelling unintelligibly at someone

- which is not what he expected from a hufflepuff

- a crowd was formed around you, occasional flinches as your wand waved around

- he weaseled his way through the crowd with his mates with a smile on his face, ready to spot some action

- he spotted the back of your head, arms flailing wildly as you yelled at an annoyed, but taken aback, severus snape over his continuous racist and arrogant comments about everyone and everything in the world

- which just made it even better

- sirius was losing his mind

- he had to hold onto james and remus as he laughed

- with an off insult saying "your nose is more inflated than your ego" and the accidental wave of your wand, a white spark had come out of it

- the rooting and howls of laugher had stopped all around the formed circle

- james, peter, remus and sirius has stopped as well and froze where they stood

- severus looked beyond your shoulder in shock and a smile crawled up his face

- you turned around quickly, mouth drawn open when you realized you had cast something

- a boy with dark hair was behind you, hands over his face

- when he pulled them away, his eyes were crossed in awe as he looked down at his nose

- it was twisting and turning, as it grew bigger and bigger and took up more of his face

- severus was laughing now

- “shut it” you said quickly, a short wave of your arm his lips were gone and replaced with nothing but skin

- his shouts were muffled and ignored

- “oh, my merlin. i am so, so sorry-“

- he started to laugh

- so hard he had to close his eyes

- his friends laughed with him

- “you’re laughing? you alright? that spell didn’t get to your head, did it?”

- he looked at your face for the first time

- oh, merlin, he didn’t expect you to be so pretty

- he was not ready

- this beautiful girl so worried and pampering him

- “is that your nose or are you just happy to see her, mate?” peter whispered, trying to hold back his laughter

- james was quick to speak when sirius couldn’t find his voice

- “oi! i think he deserves an escort to madame pomfrey, yeah?”

- “yeah, he’s not looking too well!” remus chimed in

- you began to walk him to the nurse, trying your hardest not to stare down the elephant on his face in the room

- “i’m y/n.”

- “i’m sirius.”

- his voice was more nasal than usual

- madame pomfrey was annoyed more than anything, but the trip lasted no more than a few minutes before his nose was back to normal

- you looked at him

- he was cuter without an absurdly large nose

- it was easier to see how the light caught in his eyes now

- “i’m so sorry-“

- “don’t worry about it, love. make it up to me with a trip to hogsmeade?”

- you were caught incredibly off guard

- “yes, i mean, yes. of course.”

[featherymalignancy]

Great. Perfect. Nice. Fuck this for elriel

PART I—Navy Suits and Chelsea Boots: An Elriel Story

Summary: On the eve of Rhys and Feyre’s nuptials in Big Sur, California, Az decides to end two years of pining by finally telling Elain how he feels. The only thing standing in his way is Graysen, Elain’s selfish, on-again, off-again boyfriend.

PLEASE BE ADVISED: As with everything I write, this story is *not* appropriate for children, WHICH INCLUDES TEENAGERS UNDER 18. If you a teenager under the age of 18, please be advised this story’s mature themes were NOT intended for your consumption; please consider seeking more age-appropriate media.

This is part I of IV. Click HERE to jump to the Navy Suits Masterlist!

Part I: The Rehearsal–Day 

If there were two things Azriel Macar hated, it was asking for favors and people prying into his personal life, so as he sat in front of the shi-shi resort in Big Sur, the irony of his purpose for being there was not lost on him.

Not only was he about to ask that irritating prick Vanserra for help, Azriel was all but inviting Lucien into him private business. Under any other circumstances, either one of those things would have been enough to dissuade Az from going inside. However, the wedding was tomorrow, and he was out of options. If ever they were an occasion to swallow his pride, he was pretty sure it was now.

He remained in the car for another minute, drumming his fingers on the wheel as he debated. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, though; he didn’t get up at six am and make the drive from LA just to sit here and twiddle his thumbs.

Finally, he glanced at his watch and got out, wondering for a moment if the hotel bar would be open yet before fetching the carefully wrapped chandelier from his trunk and flicking the keys to the valet.

The place was full of what were clearly preparations for the ceremony tomorrow, and he was glad for it; it made his showing up here less suspicious. Though, he supposed, it didn’t really matter. The minute he started asking questions, he knew Lucien would puzzle out why he’d come and tear the mickey out of him for it.

“Can I help you, sir?”

Azriel pushed his sunglasses into his hair and glanced at the girl bobbing behind the reception desk.

“Lucien Vanserra?”

She opened her mouth before closing it, her eyes going over his shoulder in answer.

“Macar, you must need a new watch. You’re…” Azriel turned on a booted heel, trying not to react as Lucien consulted his own sickeningly-lavish timepiece “Six hours early.“

He gave Azriel a lazy grin, the kind that always made Az want to punch him.

Reminding himself to keep it cordial, at least to start, Azriel shrugged and said, “I was dropping off the arbor.”

Azriel had built Feyre and Rhys a bespoke arbor from California cedar for their rustic—if wedding held at a resort that cost $1,300 a night could ever be considered rustic—nuptials in the redwood forest that yawned out behind the hotel.

“What?” Lucien said dryly. “In your two-door Benz?”

Azriel only pursed his lips as Lucien eyed him gleefully. The younger man had an uncanny knack for spotting a lie and a seemingly insatiable thirst for gossip, both of which set Azriel’s teeth on edge.

“You’re full of shit,” Lucien observed, eyes still keen. “Your guys dropped it off yesterday.”

Azriel held up the chandelier—which would be attached to the arbor for the ceremony— in answer, and Lucien rolled his eyes, though he was still smiling faintly.

“You drove six hours through LA traffic to drop off a glorified lamp?”

“This thing is baccarat crystal, you uncultured dick,” Azriel snapped, and Lucien rolled his eyes again, gesturing to the left with his chin.

“We can store it in my office until the light guy gets here tomorrow morning.”

Azriel followed Lucien up the grand staircase, helping him to carefully get it settled in the walk-in safe before watching Vanserra slouch into the chair behind his desk.

Not sure how to go about finding out what he’d come here for, Azriel braced his hands on the supple leather chair across from Lucien, surveying the view of the pool and forest beyond that was visible through the large window.

”I can’t believe you own parter of this place,” Azriel remarked, aware that his tone was a little south of friendly.

Lucien only laughed.

“It’s an equity investment,” Lucien said. “I don’t even have the controlling stake. And this is all pretty rich coming from the dude who build Beyoncé’s dining room table.”

Azriel flushed. Maybe it was a consequence of growing up poor in a part of the country where flashing wealth was considered a mortal sin, but name-dropping and talking about money always made him uncomfortable.

He’d certainly acquired a taste for the finer things since his design shop had gotten successful, but he didn’t see what joy there was to be gained from bragging about it all the time. Besides, there wasn’t really a need: the orange Lamborghini Aventador parked in his garage back in LA was more than happy to do it for him.

“What’s this about?” Lucien said, the shadow of that knowing smirk still faintly visible on his face, even though he wasn’t currently smiling. “No offense, Macar, but I really don’t have time for your ‘Man of the People’ routine today, and I know you didn’t get here half a day before the rehearsal dinner just to drop off that stupid chandelier, bacca-ra-ra crystal or not.”

“Baccarat,” Azriel corrected, and Lucien rolled his eyes. “And I didn’t get the frame finished before my guys left with the truck yesterday. I just wanted to make sure it got here okay.”

Lucien surveyed him with a critical eye before shrugging.

“So we’re good? Great, I’ll get Jessica to check you in, then. I assume you’ll want to go to do push-ups or scowl in the mirror or whatever it is you do for fun, considering you have six hours before the rehearsal starts.”

Lucien started out of his chair, and Azriel tensed, making the former smirk.

“I thought so,” he crowed, dark eyes glittering. “I know what you want to ask me, so go ahead: ask me.”

Azriel only clenched his jaw in response. Jesus, this was such a dumb idea. He should have just taken his chances and gone to Palo Alto. Hell, even gone to Feyre, annoying as her meddling could sometimes be. Anything to avoid that smug, shit-eating grin that had begun to spread across Lucien’s face.

“Fine,” Lucien said, clearly enjoying every second of Azriel’s discomfort. “I’ll go first: you want to know if Elain’s bringing someone tonight.”

Azriel only crossed his arms, and Lucien laughed.

“I knew it!” he said, banging his fist on the table. “I knew you had the hots for her! Man, you are so fucking transparent.”

Azriel rolled his eyes.

“What do you want, a medal?”

“That’s alright,” Lucien practically cooed. “Watching you squirm is prize enough.”

“Cut the shit,” Azriel said, patience waning. Please god let her be single again. He wasn’t sure he could handle having sacrificed this much of his pride for nothing. “Is she bringing anyone?”

Azriel hadn’t seen Elain since she’d gone back to grad school at Stanford a month ago; that was more than enough time for some other guy to slide in and try and sweep her off her feet. His only saving grace was the fact Elain was not easily wooed. It was one of the many things Azriel found so alluring about her; she was quietly but fiercely independent, and self-possessed in a way most twenty-four year olds weren’t.

Lucien only shrugged.

“How should I know?”

“She’s your best friend; don’t pretend she doesn’t tell you everything.”

Lucien pursed his lips this time, clearly slipping into his long-held role as gatekeeper to Elain’s highly-sought after affections.

“Say what you really mean: you want to know if she’s back with Graysen.”

Okay, yes, that was what Azriel wanted to know, though he didn’t admit as much out loud. Graysen Van Baas, for all this faults, always seemed the dog to beat in the fight for Elain’s attention. None of their friends could really figure out why—he was a grade-A douche—but Elain had been dating him on-and-off since college, and had even turned down a scholarship at the Department of Art History at Yale to follow him to Stanford instead. Graysen was a second year law student there, a fact he felt the need to remind them of with sickeningly frequency.

For the three years, Elain and Graysen had been in a constant cycle of breaking up and getting back together, much to everyone’s chagrin. The last time she’d brought him down to have dinner in LA, Cash ended up having to drag a snarling Nesta out of the restaurant to avoid a scene. According to him, it had taken dirty sex in the back of their Land Rover and a new Michael Kors handbag to convince Nesta not to drive up to Palo Alto and kill Graysen in his sleep.

“Well?” Azriel prompted, giving Lucien a deadpan look that Lucien rather impressively matched.

“Not that I know of.”

“Not that you know of?” Azriel repeated, and this time, Lucien did stop smiling.

“Elain and I had to make a ‘No Graysen talk’ policy for the sake of our friendship.”

“So you have no idea if she’s bringing him or not?” Azriel said, and Lucien gave another shrug.

Well wasn’t that just fucking fantastic.

Azriel waited for Lucien to continue, but he didn’t, much to Azriel’s mounting annoyance.

“Vanserra, I don’t have time for your dramatic timing or your bullshit. Just tell me if you think she’s going to bring Graysen or not.”

“I don’t think so. She’s pretty garbage at hiding when she’d seeing him again, and I haven’t heard her mention him even in passing, though—” Lucien paused to give Azriel a vulpine smirk.  “She does seem to find plenty of ways to casually bring you up in conversation.”

Lucien put on an affection of Elain’s sweet, sing-song voice and continued, “'How’s Az doing? Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow bought one of those reclaimed accent tables Az makes? What day’s Az coming up for the wedding, do you know? Did you read that article about Az’s designs in—’”

“You better not be fucking with me,” Azriel interrupted in a low voice. His heart was beating so hard he could feel like in his throat.

Lucien’s mouth tightened.

“Look, I know you and I aren’t exactly friends—though please know I would take you over Cash or Rhys any day of the week—but Elain has been my best friend for ten years, and I love her more than anything. I would never fuck with her happiness, and I certainly wouldn’t send some surly dude after her if I didn’t think she wasn’t at least open to the possibility. Do with that information what you will.”

“A charming sentiment,” Azriel said, already miles away from the conversation. He needed to call Cash. He and Nesta were meant to pick Elain up from Palo Alto on their way down from San Francisco. It was nearly impossible to convince Nesta Archeron to change her plans once they’d been made, so Azriel would need to buy Cash as much time as possible to bribe her into agreeing. Hopefully this time, Cassian would leave out the logistics; Azriel had heard enough details about their sex life to last a lifetime.

“Excellent,” Lucien said. “Well now that that’s settled, I have actual work to do. Are you going to stay here, or—“

“No, I’m leaving,” Azriel said, check his watch. It was noon already—he needed to get on the road.

“Are you seriously driving down to Palo Alto right now?” Lucien said, seemingly amused. “Damn, son, I hope your boss is reimbursing you for mileage.”

“Stay out of my business,” Azriel said curtly, seeing no point to being polite now that he’d gotten what he came for. “And don’t ever call me ‘son’, again.”

“No?” Lucien goaded. “What about Daddy?”

“Vanserra,” Azriel said, squeezing his eyes shut and praying for patience. “Don’t make me kill you.”

“Oh please,” Lucien said, kicking his feet off the desk. “You’d never do that to Elain. And you owe me, by the way. Maybe you could tell Mor—“

“She has a serious girlfriend,” Azriel cut off, “But I will put in a good word with her friend Vassa—apparently she’d got a thing for gingers.”

Lucien rolled his eyes, though Azriel could tell he was secretly pleased with the prospect of Jes’s attention.

“See you this evening, then,” Lucien said in dismissal. “Please, do not feel the need hurry back.”

Azriel flipped him a foul hand gesture and sauntered out, reminding himself not to seem to eager on the trip back to his car. Once in it though, he put the petal to the floor, letting his new E-Class purr into fifth gear and linger. It was then he called Cash

“What’s up, brother?” came the answer after three rings.

“Hey, have you and Nesta left to pick Elain up yet?”

“No, she called earlier and said she’d had some breakthrough on something with her paper, and that she’d just meet us there. Why?”

Azriel gripped the wheel a little harder, bracing for impending impact with Cash’s needling wit.

“No reason.”

Cassian only laughed in response.

“You’re driving up to Palo Alto, aren’t you?” he said mirthfully. “Man, you have it bad.”

“Fuck off.”

“Damn, Feyre’s gonna be so smug; she bet you would make your move before the rehearsal dinner. I had you waiting until the reception! Where’s the heads-up, handsome?”

“Feyre knows?” Azriel demanded, feeling his cheek warm slightly. “I told you not to tell her. And stop betting on my love life; it freaks me out.”

“I didn’t tell her, Nesta did. And before you bite my head off, I didn’t tell Nesta, either. She just figured it out. Also, don’t be so uptight; stress can cause impotence, and trust me, you don’t want to start this Elain thing off with a limp dick.”

“Christ,” Azriel said, rubbing his temple with his free hand. “Please stop. And just keep Nesta’s phone away from her for a few hours. I don’t need Feyre waiting on the front steps like a welcoming committee.”

“Tough ask, my man. The only way to keep her that distracted is to—“

“Goodbye Cash,” Azriel said with emphasis. “See you in a bit.”

“Go get ‘em, champ,” Cash cooed, and Azriel grit his teeth in annoyance before ending the call.

It was about a two hour drive down to Palo Alto, and Azriel spent the entirety of it wondering the best way to handle the situation.

It felt rather abrupt to simply confess himself the minute she opened the door, but given how well—or rather, how poorly—the subtly angle had played so far, he didn’t feel like he could rule it out entirely.

By San Jose, he’d run through ever possible iteration of their conversation, ranging from doing nothing to just kissing before she had a chance to speak. He found all the speculation was just making me more agitated, so he permitted himself to daydream about what she might wear instead.

Unlike her elder sister, Elain wasn’t usually one for dressing up, but when she did, it was always to devastating effect.  Azriel thought of the tantalizing little cocktail dress she’d worn to Cash’s 34th birthday in July and bit his lip; she’d looked good enough to eat that night.

Though, Azriel mused, that wasn’t the Elain he liked best. He preferred her usual style, her quirky overalls and graphic tees, that long braid forever swinging behind her as she laughed or talked animatedly about Cinquecento Rome and the artistic milieu of the Papal Courts—the topic of her Masters thesis.

Fuck, he should have done this months ago. He should have done it the moment she broke up with Graysen at the beginning of the summer, or that day they’d watched the sunset together over Golden Gate park after the dinner to celebrate Nesta’s latest win in court.

Sitting on the hood of the Benz that night, he’d wanted to, so badly. But watching her with her knees tucked to her chest like she was a little girl while she explained all the constellations as they emerged, he hadn’t wanted to ruin the moment. Besides, she’d only just broke things off with Graysen the week before, and he hadn’t wanted her to think he was taking advantage of her.

He should have just done it, though; should have explained that it wasn’t about her breakup, and that he’d fallen for her the moment he met her, and had  continued to fall with every new thing he learned about her. It was true she was gorgeous, but somehow, that was the least alluring thing about her.

Swearing to himself, Azriel pulled up in front of Elain’s quaint bungalow and parked, drumming on the steering wheel again to try and dispel the nerves. He really wished he still had that bottle of Jamo in the glove box; he really could have used it right now. Instead he just took a deep breath, glancing in the rearview to inspect his hair and run a hand through it before getting out of a the car.

Right, he could do this. As Lucien had so tacklessly pointed out, he’d been personally invited into Beyoncé’s house before; if he could keep his shit together for that, he could be cool about this.

He would just be casual, friendly. They had the whole drive up to chat—there was no reason to blurt it all out now. Besides, why explain he was basically in love with her on her front porch when he could do it as they drove down the breathtaking California coast?

He blew out another breath and knocked, fumbling a bit for what to do with his hands before leaning in what he hoped was a casual way on the doorframe. Women liked when guys leaned on things, right?

He listened to the door click, and he pressed his nose to his shoulder to quickly insure the cologne he’d put on that morning was still fresh before the door swung in.

Elain appeared, and his heart stuttered a step. She looked as gorgeous as he’d ever seen her, and it honestly made it hard for him to breathe.

“Hey Ellie,” he managed, pushing sunglasses into his hair and grinning the way he only ever had an urge to when she was around.

“Az,” she said in delighted surprise. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, grin widening a little.

“I was in the neighborhood,” he said, and she laughed, her teeth bright against her rose pink lips.

Az tried not the check her out as she did, but she was perfection in the pink tulle cocktail dress she wore, and my God did her tits look amazing. He’d promised himself before he got here he wouldn’t look at them, but the dress was cut nearly to her sternum, and there was truly no not looking. Az had always been—if such a thing wasn’t too ungentlemanly to admit—a breast man, and hers were without equal. Still, they had nothing on the intelligent, merry glimmer in her doe brown eyes, which had him falling just that little farther in love when she met his eye.

“From LA?” Elain teased, craning her neck to grin at him and fisting a hand in his shirt at the hip as she did.

Ordinarily he didn’t like to be touched without provocation, but Elain was a tactile person, and he’d come to crave her calming touches, even knowing they were completely platonic.

He flicked her nose in answer, and she batted him away, laughing.

"Cash mentioned that you were driving yourself down,” Azriel explained, wishing he could invent another reason to touch her again. “And since we all know there is only about a fifty percent chance Jafar can actual make it that far, I’d thought I’d see if you wanted a ride.”

Jafar was Elain’s embattled ’87 beetle, so-named for his villainous predilection for losing A/C in the summer.

Elain laughed again before biting her lip, her expression going penitent.

“I wish you’d called,” she said, frowning now.

Oh no. Azriel knew that look; it was the one she always gave saps at the bar when she wanted to let them down easy.

“Are you that deadset on taking Jafar?” Azriel teased, desperately trying to right the ship. “You still haven’t replaced the radio from when it got ripped out.”

Elain laughed.

“No, fuck Jafar. You know I’d much rather ride in the Benz and hang out with you. It’s just—” she broke off, wincing a little now, too. “Don’t be mad.”

“Why would I be mad?” he said, but he knew what was coming next, and he was already so mad her could barely keep from blurting a very impolite swear word, one that rhymed with both “duck” and “truck”.

“Graysen’s on his way to pick me up right now.”

Azriel felt his shoulders falling in obvious disappointment, and he caught them with effort, his traps aching with the stain of not letting them slump.

“You’re seeing Graysen again?” he forced out, still straining to sound conversational.

She blushed a little. At least she wasn’t oblivious to how much they all disliked him.

“We got back together last week.”

“Great,” he said, running a hand through his hair for something to do. “Well that’s..perfect. Nice.” 

He glanced down at her, at the sweet dolefulness in her expression, before squeezing his eyes shut and blurting, “no actually, fuck this. Ellie, please don’t bring that dick to your sister’s wedding.”

Elain pursed her lips and turned away from the door, and Azriel took it as a silent invitation, following her in and closing it behind him.

“Please,” she said, biting her lip again. God, he wanted to do the same so badly in hurt. “I’m already going to get enough crap from Nesta and Luc; I don’t need it from you, too.”

“Well tough shit, because you’re getting it.”

She crossed her arms somewhat defensively, and he softened.

"C’mon, El, we all know how this ends, and honestly, you could do so much better.”

“You don’t even know him,” she said. “And I realize you and Cash and Rhys love playing big brother, but I’m not some little teenager you have to look after. I’m a grown-up, and I’m fine. ”

He groaned in agitation, wondering how this had gotten off the rails so quickly.

“You’re not like a little sister,” he said, wanting to be sure it had been stated for the record. “At least not to me.”

He hoped in vain she would read between the lines and get what he was trying to tell her. Understandably, she didn’t, and she just rolled her eyes.

“So you’re telling me you drove two hours out of your way just to see if I wanted company?”

Yes, that was exactly what he was telling her. Before he could debate the merits of saying this out loud, she narrowed her eyes and continued.

"I know my sisters sent you to spy on me after I cancelled on Nesta.”

He groaned again. They had to get out of this “family drama” zone before he got branded as an overbearing older brother for all eternity.

“Jesus, Ellie, that is not what this is.”

“Okay,” she said somewhat hotly. “Then what is it?”

Azriel fumbled for the words, but he’d always been more a man of action than eloquence, so he advanced to gently cup her cheeks instead, hoping she didn’t slap him as he kissed her.

Her lips were so soft he wasn’t sure what to do with himself, and at this close distance, he found himself inundated with her pretty floral perfume. However, after a second her lips were still tight under his, and hating himself for forcing the kiss on her, he jerked back.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry,” he began in a panic, beginning to back away. “Ellie, I—“

He didn’t get far in his doleful retreat. She had a hand in his t-shirt before he could even blink, and suddenly she was the one kissing him. He thought to question it, but didn’t, simply wrapped a hand around her back to steady her so he could get a proper taste. She’d obviously just brushed her teeth, and her breath was fresh as she opened her mouth so her tongue could touch his.

The left-brain part of him was distantly screaming at him as they continued to kiss, demanding he parse through the events that had lead them to this point so he could make sense of it. The rest of him didn’t care. He didn’t care that her dumb ass ex boyfriend was still on his way over here, or that he had no idea what it meant that she’d kissed him back. All he cared about was that she had.

He moaned when her hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and down his bare back. Not to seduce, he realized, but simply to feel his warmth against her own and ground them more solidly in the moment. He melted into her touch, suddenly struck by the feeling that after 29 years of wandering the Earth like a nomad, he’d finally found a place safe enough to call home.

The dizzying delight of it made him slightly unstable, and they careened backward, his hand bracing on the wall and caging her to it as they continued to kiss. He groaned as she let her hands slip out of his shirt so she could run her fingers through his hair, knocking his sunglasses to the ground as she tugged on the strands, her teeth echoing the motion on his bottom lip.

He was so wrapped up in it that he didn’t hear the annoying bugle of the camero’s engine as it trumpeted into the driveway, and it was only when someone knocked on the door that he realized Graysen had arrived.

“Babe? Are you ready? Let’s go.”

Elain stiffened, and she and Azriel shared a look.

“Just don’t answer it,” he mouthed, but he felt his stomach twisted into a grotesque double windsor as she flashed him penitent look, pushing gently on his chest and eying her overnight bag where it sat packed near the door.

No, this could not be happening. There was no way this was actually happening.

Except it was.

Elain slipped from beneath his arm and called, “Umm, be right there!”

“You said two,” Graysen called back. “It’s 2:07. Hurry up, please.”

Azriel watched in horror as Elain smoothed her hair before gathering her things.

“Elain,” he whispered, but she shook her head, still looking—despite the royal screwing she was about to give him—like the girl of his dreams, the one he’d been in love with for two years.

“I’m so sorry, Az,” she said in the same tone, giving him a sympathetic frown as she touched his cheek. “I just can’t.“

“Wait, Elain—“

He reached for her wrist to hold her there, but it was too late. She was wrenching open the door, and Azriel had no choice but to listen as she kissed Graysen, still flattened to the wall like a teenager trying not to get caught. He only dared move when he heard the Camero pulling off down the street, taking a staggering step back before hearing a crunch and glancing down to see his sunglasses snapped in two.

What a fucking joke.

Part II: The Researsal Dinner

[doctorlaelia-ffxiv]

Rambles

It’s been a most peculiar day, an even stranger couple of weeks. 

 I write this from within the Autumn’s Solace. Earlier, I received an emergency call that its proprietor had come in injured, paralyzed. There was no hesitation. Out of the dusty cottage that I had kept and to the nearest aetheryte crystal to make my way to La Noscea I went, making my way to the Solace as quickly as I could. Two Yellowjackets stood guard outside of the door. When I walked inside, Paradyme was laying silent and still on the bed with a nervous Ashla murmuring beside him, eyes full of tears. 

 The man was conscious, and to make a long story short, seemed to have gotten in the middle of some sort of rather violent family scuffle. A paralytic poison had made its way into his bloodstream, and his spinal cord had been injured, which is where I came in. It was not, somehow, the most makeshift surgery I’d ever done, but it was less than ideal. Regardless, it was a success. Now the man sleeps one bed away from me while I pen this journal. I’ll be staying here until he’s healed enough to move without help or monitoring. There’s nothing wait for me at home anyway, now.

 One of the windows is cracked. The scent and sound of the sea is soothing. Outside, people are talking and laughing. I saw women in pretty dresses and gentlemen in suits walking down the road. A cocktail party that’s bleeding late into the night, I figure, glamorous and elegant. I even find myself missing those parties, ones I’d attended multitudes of back home in Garlemald. 

 In truth, I feel quite pathetic. There is a gaping hole in me where a lover once nestled. Differences in plans and ethics drilled it into me and drew us apart. The one familiar tie I had in this foreign land is gone, and I feel... lost. I have nothing. My bed feels too big, even the small cottage we lived in together feels too big. The room where his desk and bookcases stood is empty, and I cannot face it. I want to scream, I want to cry, but nothing like that comes forward. My connections here are few and far between - really, limited to the three people I saw today at the Solace. The establishment lives up to its name, at least. It is the only solace this sad sack of a hyur has at the moment. 

 The closest I came to screaming and crying all of this hurt out was earlier, when Kete argued with a man that had come with another doctor to help with Paradyme. Fire, an explosion... It frightens me still. I was reduced to a trembling mess of tears and violent flashbacks to the day the Castrum fell at just the trace of embers, a single set of scorch marks, and a ‘boom!’ outside of the Solace. Kete has the same power Misaki had, one that nearly turns them to fire when they find themselves angry or upset or cornered. In a strange turn of events, it was the Xaela who came and comforted me, something like gentleness in his demeanor and speech and touch. I don’t know how the two of us even meshed as two people that get along, but I won’t question it too much. 

 Paradyme sleeps heavily, possibly due to the medication I administered. In truth, I don’t know where Ashla is, and he seemed quite upset and worried that she was leaving. I admit I missed what transpired between her and the man who had brought the doctor, but she seemed rather upset as she left. Kete said that she’d teleported away. I hope that she’s alright, wherever she’s gone off to. I envy the ability to just teleport away when I don’t want to be somewhere anymore. How convenient that would be. 

 The crushing sense of loneliness weighs heavy on me, now. I suppose this is my deepest fear, isn’t it? Being alone. Left behind. Having no one. But it is not my place to voice these fears. I am the caretaker, not a person who gets taken care of. All my life, I have shouldered the burdens of others while not lending anyone mine. It’s a small wonder that I’ve not exploded yet, to be perfectly honest, journal. The one person I trusted is gone from me. What they say about shared trauma is bullshit. It didn’t bring us closer. We still had to go our separate ways and live our separate lives. Now my trauma is mine to bear, alone, in a place I hardly know at all. I wonder if Misaki is anywhere close, even if Xiu is anywhere close. I’d be happy to let them curse and hit me if it meant I could feel something other than sadness. 

 The dinner I cooked is sitting too heavy in my stomach. It aches, and so does my throat, though I suspect it’s from choking back tears all day. The bed is comfortable. I wish for anything to do other than sit. I can’t focus on reading, and I’ve gone through all of the medical records, done all of my checks on Paradyme, organized my papers once and then again. I wished for a piano to appear somewhere in the Autumn’s Solace. That was how I used to work these things out. I’d play for hours, until my fingers were numb and until everything in me felt lighter and more manageable. 

 You love with your brain, not with your heart, contrary to the popular belief. It would explain my splitting headache, but not the ache in my chest. I wonder if I’m getting sick. It’d be a nice distraction, but then who would tend to Paradyme and whoever else ends up injured? Tomorrow I’ll have to go to the black market in La Noscea, a place I’ve only been twice, but my contact told me that the medicine I need had been transported there. No need to tell anyone here. I don’t want Paradyme to worry, and Kete would probably call me stupid if he knew. 

 I suppose that I’ll try to sleep after doing one last check on Paradyme’s IV. I’ll light a candle in the window for Ashla. Hopefully she comes back quickly, or that the odd man who was here earlier is with her, ensuring her safety. Or arguing. Either one, as long as she isn’t suffering a spinal injury, too. I won’t have more morphine until the morning.

(( mentions: @paradymeshift, @lance-of-fury, @melodies-in-moonlight ))