#to having it because she's ashamed and feels it's personal

[enderlovez]

Big Secret

Spencer Reid x BAU Reader WORD COUNT: 2100+

Summary: You've tried to hard to keep your daughter a secret from Spencer after her father left, but what happens when this secret finally comes to light?

Content Warning: fear of abandonment, abandonment of pregnant woman, reader gets anxiety

A/N This was requested, and I'm not to sure how I did here. There'll probably be a bunch of mistakes because I'm really tired right now.

────── ꒰ঌ·✦·໒꒱ ──────

The first time Spencer asks if something's wrong, you almost laugh. Not because you find it funny in any sense of the world, but because there is something wrong, and you can't find it in yourself to tell him.

He's studying you with those piercing eyes, like he can read every thought you've ever had. His brow is furrowed in that way that makes him look younger than he is, and for a split second, you wonder if he really can hear your thoughts.

"You've been a little off lately," he says, the concerns in his voice too subtle for most people to notice, but you hear it. "Is... everything okay?"

You smile, forcing the curve of your lips to stay steady. "Everything's fine, Spence. Just a lot on my mind, you know?"

It's the truth. Sort of. Work is, as always, chaotic as hell. But there's something gnawing at you, something you can't make yourself say out loud.

Spencer doesn't push, but you know he's watching, waiting for you to say more on your own. That's the thing about him—he's patient, a quality you greatly admire. But when he wants something, he tends to get it.

You've had a few drinks together after work, spent quiet hours in coffee shops, talking about cases, about books, about life. You think you're starting to let yourself like him.

You think he might be starting to like you, too, even though the lines between friendship and... something more are still blurry, and you haven't yet figures out how to cross them without making a mess.

Then, of course, there is the little secret of your daughter—the very secret that keeps you up at night, wondering if you've already ruined whatever future could happen.

"Is everything really fine?" Spencer asks again, his voice a little softer now, like he's trying to coax the truth out of me without making it feel like an interrogation. It feels like one anyway.

You nod quickly, maybe a little too quickly. "Yeah. Really. Just... personal stuff."

He watches you for a beat longer, clearly not entirely convinced, but also not going to press for more. Spencer isn't like that. He respects boundaries. He respects you, in a way that makes your chest tighten every time he looks at you, like you're something he can lose if he doesn't handle you with enough care.

And maybe that's it. Maybe you're afraid of him seeing the part of you that isn't as easy to love, the part that you're still learning to love yourself.

Maybe that's why you've kept Isla a secret, but you've never mentioned her in passing conversations, or even when he asks about your life outside the job.

You want him to see you as someone who can go out for a drink after a case without having to worry about a three-year-old waiting for her mother to come home.

But that's not you. You've got Isla. You've got your little girl, and one day, Spencer's going to have to know, as terrifying as that thought is to you.

You're not ashamed of your daughter, you could never be ashamed of your little girl.

But the last man who found out about her—her own father—ran for the hills before she was even born. The thought of Spencer doing the same, of him walking away the second he finds out about Isla, has been eating away at you from the first time you went out together.

You tell yourself it's not about him being a bad guy, because he's not. Spencer's kind and thoughtful and he doesn't seem like the type of man to judge.

But it's not like you can help the fear, that he might not want a woman with a child, especially one as young as Isla. She's the center of your world, she will always come first, and you can't risk losing Spencer for the same reason you lost Isla's father.

"Are you sure?" Spencer's voice cuts through your thoughts, soft and insistent. He's still looking at you, like he's waiting for the truth to slip from your lips, like he knows it'll happen eventually. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

You swallow hard, the lump in your throat making it a little difficult to breathe. His words, so simple, so caring, somehow makes the weight on your shoulders heavier.

What would it feel like to tell him?

To let him in, to share this huge part of yourself with someone who could very well walk out of your life when he finds out?

It's easier to just nod and pretend everything's fine. It's easier to lie, to keep him at arms length, than risk him seeing who you really are—a mother, sure, but also someone who's terrified of being left again.

But Spencer doesn't deserve that. You know he doesn't deserve that, to keep wondering what's going on inside your head when he's done nothing but be there for you, day after day.

"I..." You hesitate, your breath catching in your chest. "There's something I should tell you, but it's really... it's going to complicate things."

Spencer doesn't say anything right away. He just watches you, and for a brief moment, the distance between you feels impossible to manage. You take a step forward, closing that space as best you can.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not ready to," he says finally, his voice so gentle that it almost breaks you. "You never have to feel obligated to tell me anything, I just want you to know I'm here if you wanna talk."

And right then, something shifts.

You're not entire sure what, but something deep inside wonders if maybe—just maybe—it might be time to tell him about the life you've tried to hard to keep hidden. About your precious little girl, and about her father who she's never known, and about the fears that keep you awake at night.

About the little girl who's waiting for you at home, her smile the only thing that keeps you going when everything else is so shaky.

"I have a daughter," you whisper, the words slipping out before you can stop them. "She's three. Her name's Isla."

He blinks, processing, before his expression softens. He doesn't say anything at first, just watches you with (gorgeous) eyes of his that feel almost like they can see right into your soul.

You hold your breath, waiting for his reaction. You're expecting him to step away from you, to give some polite excuse and walk out the door.

But instead, he surprises you. "I'd really like to meet her, if that's something you'd be okay with."

You blink at him, feeling your heart skip a beat. "You... you would? You want to meet Isla?"

Spencer smiles, just a little, but it's blindingly bright in your eyes. "Of course, I want to meet the little girl who obviously means so much to you."

────── ꒰ঌ·✦·໒꒱ ──────

You stand outside your apartment door, fingers nervously playing with the strap of your bag, suddenly feeling like you're about to do something you can't undo.

Which, you are, but that doesn't stop your heart from thumping uncomfortably, or your stomach from fluttering with anxiety.

Spencer's standing beside you, his eyes scanning the hallway, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He looks calm, maybe even a little curious, but you can tell he's waiting for you to make the first move, to invite him inside where everything will change.

It helps knowing that, if you happen to change your mind, he'll leave the second you ask him to.

The familiar hum of the building's old pipes is the only sound between you. You're about to let Spencer see Isla. You're about to let him into this part of your life you've kept so carefully hidden. And it is terrifying.

It's one thing to share a drink or talk about drinks. It's an entirely different thing to show another person the most vulnerable part of yourself.

The next door over swings open, and your neighbor, Maria, steps out. She looks up from her phone when she spots you, waving with the hand that's holding Isla's favorite stuffed bunny—she probably left it there at some point.

"Hey, just finished feeding her a few minutes ago," Maria says with a smile, but there's a hint of urgency in her voice as she checks her watch. "I was just 'boutta call you, gotta head out. You good here?"

You nod, forcing a smile as you take Isla's stuffed animal from Maria. "Yeah, thanks. She's been good today?"

"She's always good, she's a sweetheart," Maria says before turning on her heel, heading towards the stairs with quick steps. She glances back at you once to make sure you're alright before she's gone.

You watch her go, your breath catching in your throat as you unlock the door.

Every part of you is screaming that this isn't a good idea, that you're making a huge mistake by letting Spencer in, but you push those thoughts away as best you can, forcing yourself to step inside and gently pulling him by the sleeve of his jacket.

"Come on in," you say, trying to sound casual, but the words sound all wrong in your own ears, and they surely sound the same to Spencer.

Spencer hesitates for a moment before stepping through the doorway. The second his foot crosses the threshold, something in the air shifts, though neither of you can name what it is.

Isla's small shoes are lined up neatly by the door beside yours, and you can hear her humming softly from the living room. It's the sound of home.

Some of the anxiety fades away. It's more strange than anything to have Spencer here, where it's all real and in front of him.

You move towards the living room, trying to steady your breath. There, sitting on the floor with a coloring book spread out in front of her and a variety of markers and pencils at her side, is Isla.

Her hair's a bit messy, the way it always gets after a nap, but her wide eyes light up the moment she notices you.

"Mommy!" Isla calls, her little face breathing into a grin as she scrambles to her feet. She's barely two and a half feet tall, one of her little hands clutching her stuffed bunny tightly, the other wrapped around your legs.

You plop down on the sofa and ruffle her hair affectionately, a soft smile gracing your lips.

And then, she sees Spencer.

For a moment, Isla just stares at him, wide-eyed and quiet. Spencer's already crouched down, his hands resting gently on his knees, not moving, simply waiting for her to decide if she'll approach him or not.

You hold your breath, watching the moment unfold in real time—you've never had to share this part of your life with anyone. You've never had to share her with another person. And for a brief moment, you're more worried about how she'll react.

And then, like she's made up her mind, Isla takes a few tentative steps toward Spencer. She looks up at him, her face a picture of innocent curiosity, and before either of you can say anything, she reaches out, quickly offering him her stuffed bunny.

Oh, thank God.

Spencer looks at the bunny, then back at her, his expression softening. "Thank you," he says, his voice gentle, as it's as if a part of you clicks into place. Like he's not only accepted you, but now, he's accepting Isla, too.

He's accepting your baby, and you feel like you're going to cry.

She smiles up at him, and for a second, it feels like everything's going to be okay. He doesn't look at her like she's an obstacle, or like he doesn't know what to do.

He looks at her the way he always looks at you—with patience, and something else that you have a hard time naming.

Isla giggles, her small hand still holding the bunny, as then she shyly crawls into your lap, hiding her face against your chest.

Spencer chuckles, the sound low and warm, as he sits down beside you, observing the interaction. You rub your hand up and down Isla's back and press a firm kiss to the top of her head.

After another quiet moment, Isla crawls off you again, sitting back on the floor in front of her coloring book.

"So, uh, do you like coloring?" Spencer asks, his voice carefully light, as he looks over at Isla, who's now holding a crayon like it's the most important thing in the world.

She nods solemnly, but then grins up at him. "I like pink," she says, matter-of-factly, and then she goes back to her drawing.

Spencer's eyes twinkle with amusement. "Pink's a great color," he agrees, and you can't help but smile.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all.

[melrosing]

How do you feel about the JB age gap? Some people feel it is problematic and I wondered what you thought

tbh I once wrote like 500 words in response to an ask like this explaining why I don’t have a problem w the age gap and trying to justify it but atp I don’t think it’s even worth that level of dissection. I don’t need to justify it. Jaime and Brienne are both consenting adults and that’s really all there is to it.

as for the people who say it’s ‘problematic’ - honestly I don’t believe that they’re genuinely sat there troubled by the jb age gap. they’re reading asoiaf, where there are literally hundreds of other things they could be worrying about than two adults having consensual sex.

maybe there are a few people out there for whom the age gap is a bit of a personal ick, and like…. ok go with god if that’s you. but most of these people just don’t like the pairing because they ship a competing pairing/they don’t like Jaime and have made that part of their fandom identity/they enjoy maintaining a ‘Brienne deserves better’ shtick without ever meaningfully engaging with Brienne as a character (probably for one of the two former reasons actually), and the age gap discourse is how they try and make out that actually they’re right for hating jb and you should feel guilty and ashamed if you ship it.

and sorry to those people but I don’t feel bad at all. and I also don’t believe they truly give a shit, it’s purely performative and they’re just making up contrived reasons to make other ppl feel bad, bc that’s what fandom does.

ultimately if there’s any party equipped to be discussing the age gap, it’s jb fandom who are actually interested in the role it plays within the relationship. but really all it comes down to is the fact that Brienne has been an adult woman since she met Jaime (ppl will pretend she was 17 in ASOS to make their point and they’re lying - or what like you say you feel strongly about this but you can’t even check the wiki to see if you have ur facts straight?? lol), so w/e.

[yanderecrazysie]

hey!!

would it be possible to write something about the host club members with a reader who’s pretty oblivious bc she like genuinely can’t believe that any of them would actually like her, and is a commoner that goes to the school on a scholarship? and the boys are just pervs/perpetually horknee lol

if you could just do it for everyone except honey, haruhi and the twins that would be awesome!!! ur the bestest!!

I think it actually would have been faster to say Tamaki, Kyoya, and Mori XD (kidding) I decided to do headcanons since I rarely write one shots with multiple characters and I couldn’t think of how to do it.

Characters: Tamaki Suoh, Kyoya Ootori, Morinozuka Takashi

WARNINGS: yandere themes, NSFW content, masturbation, panty stealing, aged up characters (final year of school for each)

Tamaki

Tamaki is easily the most obvious with his crush, but he’s also the one you’re least likely to believe is telling the truth when he flirts with you. As a princely character who romances girls for fun (and profit) and is adored by the entire female population, you don’t really believe he could fall for a commoner like you. Surely he’d fall for a girl from a richer family and not someone there on scholarship.

You’re not particularly bothered when a pair of your favorite panties go missing- probably just lost in the wash or something. Never would you even consider the possibility that Tamaki would break into your house while you’re at your part-time job and steal your underwear to wrap around his cock while he strokes it, picturing you beneath him or maybe riding him…

He gets frustrated by the way you’re so oblivious to his true intentions, but he can’t find a way to really get you to take him seriously. You just laugh or roll your eyes when he confesses. You’re breaking his heart, you know!

Kyoya

Kyoya doesn’t come out and say he has a crush on you, neither does he flirt or make his feelings known. To be honest, he’s a little ashamed that he’s fallen for a commoner like you. His father would never approve.

But you’re so cute, with your happy little smile as you greet him, how you talk to him like a normal person and not someone intimidated by his cold, manipulative demeanor. Although he would never admit it to anyone, he has daydreams about you. From grandeur wedding fantasies, to wondering how your body would look under your white wedding dress on the start of your honeymoon. He’s not usually a sexual person, so this is really shameful to him.

Don’t worry though, he’ll keep this all to himself. That is, until he’s got you cornered and you have no choice but to submit to him.

Mori

Mori is another one that it’d be hard to tell he likes you. He’s so quiet, but soon enough he’s standing guard over you like you’re royalty. He follows you everywhere like a shadow, but you think nothing of it. Surely he does this to everyone (not that he’d have time to). He even walks you home, but maybe that’s because he wants to be friends! You’re so friendly and sweet to him that it’s no wonder he’d want to be companions.

Mori isn’t really a sexual person, but he gets frequent hard-ons when you’re around. You have such an oblivious nature that you frequently forget to be careful around a man. When you’re outside of school, in a skirt, you don’t think twice about picking up items from the floor, giving Mori a view of what’s underneath it. You jump up and down without realizing it’s making certain parts of your body jiggle. It’s like you’re trying to tempt him!

But you’re poor, a commoner, an outcast- the idea that Mori would want to be so close to you is laughable, or so you think. In reality, he cares least of all what kind of background you have, especially when he can provide for you, if only you’d give him a chance.

[meowshroom1230]

Y’all ever wonder why it’s called the amazing digital circus when no one in the amazing digital circus is from a circus? Well so did I… at 1 am so i’m going to do my best to make sense of my late night ramblings:

Caine- Getting the obvious out of the way he’s the ringleader. Not much more to explain here, keeps the group together, etc.

Kinger- He would be the beast master. I made a point about gloinks in my ramblings but everyone interacted with them in the pilot. My real explanation is just the entirety of episode 3. He was the only one who could calm his wife, he knew how to handle the creature that attacked him and Pomni, and he keep Pomni safe when they were walking through an area infested with demon like creatures. “tHoSe ArEn’T rEaL aNiMaLs!” HIS CONNECTION WITH BUGS THEN. He has an undeniable attachment to bugs and while he might not be taming them I’m sure he could if he wanted to

Gangle- She’s the tightrope walker. She is constantly teetering between being too much and not enough often putting herself at risk often. Depending how you saw the truck scene (either a as a rep for su!c!dal thoughts or just a funny truck-kun reference, goose said those scene was up for interpretation), she could also be teetering the line between life and abstraction. Gangle is in some kind of danger and it is up to her to save herself, until she makes it to the other side.

Ragatha- Now this one you gotta hear me out on, but she is the bearded woman. LISTEN, some interpretations of a beard that aren’t just facial hair are linked to covering up something. A beard in the US can be someone who completes a transaction to cover someone else’s identity. A beard can also be a person who pretends to be in a romantic relationship with a person who they are not attracted to to cover for their sexuality. Using these terms of ‘beard’ as an example I concluded that Ragatha’s ‘beard’ is a cover up for her true feelings. Something’s off about her, and we got glimpses of that in episode 4. She’s not as happy and friendly as she’s made out to be. Now I don’t think it’s something dramatic like she’s evil or a villain, but she’s hiding something and she’s ashamed of it. Bearded women in history were often very ashamed of their beards and some thought the circus was their only way of having some value. Maybe Ragatha finds value in making people happy? Maybe that’s what her ai was programmed to do… but that’s a theory for another time :)

Pomni- Ok after a long one I felt another easy one was in place. Pomni is the clown. Jesters and clowns are often grouped together… but it’s also in how she’s treated. She’s often the butt of physical comedy jokes, she often finds herself in pain because of the circumstances surrounding her. I don’t think she’s trying to be funny but because of the situation she’s in she’s forced to be the clown of the circus. She also keeps everyone ‘entertained’. She’s prevented at least one, if not 2 people from abstracting. I believe that her presence does more than she realizes. Also when first joining the circus i guess who she replaced…

Jax- Now here’s where my ideas are mostly based on vibes and headcanons, so i understand if these are taking more with a grain of salt. Jax is the contortionist. A contortionist isn’t someone you’d think would be in a circus at first glance, i mean they’re just a regular person right? Nothing special about them- JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE YOU BENT LIKE THAT. Now Jax isn’t bending his body into weird shapes… but i think his emotions are. There’s something beneath Jax’s surface of annoying attitude. We see hints of emotion break in only spans of seconds. I can count on one hand the number of seconds we’ve seen a genuine emotion from Jax. I think he’s forcing himself to bend to what others think he should be. People think he’s an asshole? Well then he has to be that way 24/7 or else… something. That’s the only part I haven’t figured out yet. Is he scared of rejection? of vulnerability? caring about someone? That’s the only thing I can’t figure out about him. So just in case I’m wrong about this Im giving him a secondary option… the acrobat. He’s still preforming but he isn’t hiding some tbh in him this version. He’s doing this for himself because either way he gets the attention that he wants. The acrobat is more focused on gaining and keeping attention then hiding anything about himself.

Zooble- Another loose one… I’m pretty sure we’ve had no more than 20 lines from them an episode. Zooble is the oracle. They seem to know so much about the circus despite not going on many adventures. They stay in one place more often than not. They tell you the truth whether or not you like it. They’ve been around for a while and will probably be there for a long time. I don’t know how Zooble knows what they know but they’re quite sure about it. They also stay strong to the ideas that they’ve figured out and refuse to change their mind. Caine is an excellent example, they seem assume things about Caine that most of the members wouldn’t even think of, yet Zooble is very certain in themselves. But because this one is also loose I’m also giving them a secondary, as the contortionist. If it isn’t Jax then it’s definitely Zooble… but for different reasons. Zooble clearly has issues with how they look and often want to change themselves, contorting in every way possible to just find something that’s comfortable. Contortionists suffer pain later in life due to their abilities, forcing them to keep moving their bodies in odd positions just to be comfortable. Zooble could be the same way but in a much more literal sense, forcing to have to try more parts just to find something that works for them.

Here’s the ramblings of anyone else wants to make sense of them lol

[bybdolan]

thoughts on books i read in 2024

This was kind of an abysmal reading year for me ... i did not read a lot, very few books were truly excellent, and most of what I read was written by white guys (which is on me). Let’s hope 2025 is better on all fronts. Anyway, here’s a list of what I read, and about 4 sentences written in 3 minutes trying to summarize my thoughts on the book.

The Autograph Collector (Zadie Smith) – started the year off pretty strong with this one. It’s been a while since I read it, but what I do remember is that smith is an excellent storyteller and I liked how the themes of grief, dreams, and fame were woven together.

Die Insel der 1000 Leuchttürme (Walter Moers) – eh? I was constantly hoping that this would go in a “horror as metaphor for bigotry” or “small communities with strict rules are fucking scary” (think The Wicker Man) kind of direction, and thus was not on board with the way the plot ended up developing. It’s also way too long and Hildegunst’s neuroses are annoying after a certain point.

Faserland (Christian Kracht) – this is as good as everyone says it is. Full stop. I admittedly just love books about sad young men who are or pretend to be assholes (Catcher in the Rye), so this was perfect for me. Very sad and very pale, but in a good way – it felt clear, like nice winter wind. Also: I couldn’t get the boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time. Etc. etc.

Das fliegende Klassenzimmer (Erich Kästner) – a classic for a reason!!! Children’s books are at their best when they take their audience seriously, and this passes that test with flying colors. Incredibly fun, incredibly moving. Made me cry more than once. Eisern!

Call Me By Your Name (André Aciman) – this was a really interesting experience for me because I strongly disliked the movie when I watched it, as I was constantly put off by Oliver’s behavior. I think the book does a better job at making you understand the fragile and confusing back-and-forth between Elio and Oliver, and I found myself really really liking it because of that. I also greatly appreciate how unapologetically horny it is. Being horny makes you act fucking weird!!! I love weird horny representation!!! YAY peach scene! The style was beautiful as well, though a bit imagery-heavy at times, which did fit the heavy summer atmosphere.

Rico, Oskar 1 – 3 (Andreas Steinhöfel) – listened to the audiobooks on my way to uni. A very fun time all around. Similarly to Kästner, Steinhöfel has a lot of respect for his audience and also doesn’t shelter them. What other kids’ books can you name where the protagonist’s mom works at a strip club? The representation may not be perfect but I love that he went there. Mama Doretti you are forever famous TO ME.

The End of Loneliness (Benedict Wells) – always pains me to say this because Benedict Wells legit is so fucking sweet and nice in person and I’d LOVE to have dinner with him, but ... he is not thaaat good of a writer. This one essentially is a John Irving wannabe, and despite the “dark” themes it feels incredibly shallow and cliched at times. The female character(s) are particularly offensive. However: at the very least Wells is earnest about it all?

22 Bahnen (Caroline Wahl) – Caroline Wahl who had 2 books on the bestsellers list for over a year now recently complained that she wasn’t nominated for the Deutscher Buchpreis, which is partially meant as financial support for authors whose a) books do not sell well because b) they are good and complex pieces of literature, so I hope that she’ll be at least a bit consoled by receiving the “Book That Made Me Seethe With Hatred 2024” award <3 the writing is ass the story is shallow it’s all just a big fucking cliché and the depiction of poverty and addiction is appalling. I’d be ashamed to put a book like this out into the world.

HOOL (Philipp Winkler) – this still is THE book about violent men to me. I read it 5 times in the summer of 2018 and I am happy to report that it has lost none of its appeal and grit and ugliness. Simply a 10/10 and deeply formative to my taste.

Emil und die Detektive (Erich Kästner) – everything I said about Das fliegende Klassenzimmer is also true for this one. Ultimately I do prefer Klassenzimmer though, simply because the themes of friendships and camaraderie appeal to me much more.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson) – As a thriller this is near perfect, I could not put it down for two days. Larsson manages to do the whole “intersection of faith and violence against women” thing without it feeling exploitative (I’d be inclined to believe he may have started this trend), and I am glad that he allows his female characters to take gruesome revenge. Howeveeerrr unfortunately the narration still has a very chauvinistic edge to it and Mikkel feels like a male mid 40s wish fulfillment fantasy.

The Goldfinch (Donna Tartt) – I bought this in the Mauritshuis after seeing the Goldfinch so :’) it has a nice little sentimental edge to it. And this is another one of those “it really is THAT good” books. Looking back now, I am surprised that relatively little has stayed with me though – I never was that invested in Theo, and I also didn’t love Boris a ton, so a lot of the novel was just me hanging out with characters I didn’t like reading about that much. What stuck with me the most was the love for beautiful things that comes pouring out of every pages. Especially the parts in Hobie’s shop were just awe-inspiring. I’m planning to do a reread where I just focus on the descriptions because they were so unbelievably rich.

Bluebeard (Kurt Vonnegut) – I don’t remember a ton about this. What comes back to me most is my fondness of Vonnegut. He has a lot of humor and warmth in his writing, and I always find myself deeply moved by him writing about people loving one another, as funny or dark or even sad it may be.

The Virgin Suicides (Jeffrey Eugenides) – IT REALLY IS THAT GOOD. I could go on about the genius of that narrator perspective (the boys who watched the Lisbon girls as this big shapeless faceless conglomerate of first person plural) for ages. The prose is embroidery-worthy and the amount of detail and specificity do not only bring the Lisbon girls to life, but also the entire small town ecosystem around them. A beautiful capsule of stifled adolescence. And yet a horrifying read. (Bonus: I read this at the time when my boyfriend was reading Lolita, so when we were reading in public we looked like Mr. + Mr(s). Coquette.)

The O’Henry Prize Winners of 2024 – I love a good short story collection what can I say? I highly recommend these collections to everybody, as they present an array of innovative, diverse, well-told short stories that you may have not heard about before unless you are a literary magazine afficionado. My favorites were “Roy” and “The Soccer Balls of Mr. Kurz”.

Everybody Jam (Ali Lewis) – listen. Nothing hits like a good middle grade book. This one is veeery heavy at times and I was honestly not ready for some of the stuff that was happening, but it still was an engrossing experience and I just love coming-of-age stories that get into the mess of living. I also learned a lot about Australian cattle farming. Yay.

Fighting Ruben Wolfe (Markus Zusak) – another book about men and violence, yay! Finished this one today (it technically is only the first half of my German joint edition of this + “When Dogs Cry” but shhh). The writing was really good for the most part (I read it to get a feel for slightly gritty and simple vocabulary-wise yet rich in imagery narration for a project of mine, and it definitely delivered), however, it is very cut-up and not very subtle at times. I also felt like it was just missing. Something. I wasn’t really satisfied by the end of it.

so uuuh I think my favorite new reads of the year were The Virgin Suicides and Faserland. Maybe I should lighten up.

[4lexnilsen]

“why wouldn’t it be allowed?   is studying together forbidden in illinois now?”   playing dumb because it’s easier than admitting their friendship may not be as innocent as they insist,  alex can’t help but wonder how harry feels about all this.   sarah usually just rolls her eyes and gives him the silent treatment for a few hours.   they rarely fight because of his friendship with helena.   “thank you.”   blushing faintly,  he’s not really used to people complimenting his name and so it means even more.   “and that’s very sweet of you.   i,  personally,  really like it when you call me alexander.”   it makes him feel special,  like he means something to her because she can spend the extra seconds and actually call him by his full name instead of settling for the more common option —   alex.   “have you ever asked your parents why they went with helena?   i’m only asking because my parents,  for whatever reason,  decided to name us all in alphabetical order.   alexander,  bryce,  cameron and david.   that’s kind of weird,  isn’t it?”   he laughs,  shaking his head,  but figuring all families have their little quirks.   “is alfred like…   your dad’s uncle?”   he remembers her telling him,  the very day that they first met,  that she wanted to help others like her late grandfather.   he was a doctor,  she’ll be a vet.   and so he knows that alfred isn’t her grandfather as his name has popped up in several of their conversations,  and he’s very much alive.   but she always refers to him by his name so he has no idea whether they’re related by blood or not.  

“i’ll dedicate it to you.   for helena wayne,  thanks for suffering through the very first draft,  and all the other ones that came after it.”   it doesn’t even occur to him that he should probably dedicate it to his girlfriend.   why would it?   he hasn’t even told her that he’s writing a book,  afraid she will ridicule him.   “how do you know these things?”   very much impressed,  he gently squeezes her hand.   eyes twinkling with happiness.   harry is one lucky guy.   “have you ever been to italy?”   maybe he could save up enough money to take her there one day.   but she’s not his to spoil with trips to italy,  a voice of reason reminds,  causing his cheeks to flush an even darker shade of red.   “you have so little trust in me,  helena wayne.   i’d never let you face plant into the ice.”   he shakes his head,  holding her hand as she begins to skate on her own,  chest brimming with pride.   he even whistles in approval,  beaming at her.   “look at you go!   the next olympics are yours,  little cat!   where do i sign you up?”   teasing,  he’s grinning up until he hears someone call out her name.   they both freeze.   a wave of shame crawling up his neck.

he shouldn’t feel ashamed.   after all,  it’s not like they’re doing anything wrong.   can’t two friends go ice skating together?   are they not allowed to hold hands when letting go means one of them might get injured?   it’s not like they’ve been making out underneath the mistletoe.   sarah knows exactly where he is and with whom,  and so does harry,  right?   then why does he feel so weird?   his heart lurching into his throat,  blood buzzing so loudly that he can barely hear his own thoughts…   and since helena isn’t dropping his hand,  he only tightens his grip,  giving a reassuring squeeze.   he doesn’t join in on the conversation,  not up until his name gets dragged into it.   then,  he awkwardly lifts his other hand in a silent hello,  puts on his best smile and calls out,   “alex nilsen.   nice to meet you.”   actually,  it’s anything but nice,  but he can’t really say that.   relief washes over him when the guy doesn’t throw a fit and they can skate away,  faces flushed and hearts thudding.   he only laughs when helena speaks up again,  their hands still locked.   “what’s weird is,”   harry has friends in the first place,   “chicago is such a big city and sometimes it feels so small.   are we in trouble with harry now? does he know... you know, that we're here? without sarah? but yeah,  churros sound real good,  with dulce de leche sauce.   it’s the best.”

"oh, sure. if that's allowed." with his girlfriend, she discreetly points out yet again. because she isn't so certain how SHE would feel about that and it kind of bothers helena. "alexander is beautiful. i like refer to people as their full names... that's what i was taught by my dad and alfred. it's a habit just instilled in me now." her family's butler, but she won't say that in fear it makes her sound too pretentious. he's more than that, he's family, but no one outside their family is going to understand it. fearful of being judged for it, despite how much alfred means to her. he's like the grandfather built in best friend she didn't get to have by blood. "and it's just unfair, to have such a beautiful handsome regal name and to not be referred as such." raven haired girl adds. "that's amazing. of course i want to be the first." that's incredibly fascinating, the fact he's taking off writing books of his own. his girlfriend must be so proud and enamored, if she cares. "mhm, there is actually. sfusato amalfitano and the limone di sorrento. they're highly prized lemons." helena grins, letting her hands go from his forearms, moving herself away to resort to skating freely on her now while holding his left hand. "and what? face plant into the ice when you over speed and throw me off?" this is a challenge she, for the first in her life, isn't so eager to take on. listening to him talk, about to respond until the sound of her name has her distracted.

"helena?" turning her head as they're passing back by the front entrance. the face belonging to harry's best friend. "colby? um, hi. what're you doing here? shouldn't you be at the lounge with harry?" feeling so awkward, caught, holding alex's hand... but unable to bring herself to let go in fear of faceplanting in front of everyone. "no," his voice slow, like he notices that too, the weirdness of the girl who is his best friends girlfriend holding another guys hand, "i'm here with my new girlfriend maisy. we're on a date. she's coming. so who's that?" not afraid to just openly come out with it, purposely trying to put her on the spot as he gestures to the guy next to her. none of your business, her first instinct to grumble; but quickly thinks how that'll make her sound guilty. "oh! my best friend. because harry didn't show, he was supposed to be here." putting it back to him with attitude, so in case he wants to go back telling him, then he can see it's his fault she's holding another guys friend. "anyway, we're off now. have fun, bye," waving goodbye as she's looking back forward to concentrate where they're going. "that was weird... i wonder if we should go try these churros, now?" before he rouses harry up and gets him to come over and ruins the rest of their night.

[commsroom]

I hope you’re doing well with the storm. I wanted to ask about your thoughts about the Hephaestus crew and getting tattoos. (Mostly because I was getting a tattoo and thought “i feel like Eiffel wouldn’t be able to handle the pain of a tattoo… I should ask commsroom for her thoughts on this” lol)

oh, congrats on the tattoo!! what'd you get?

i'm definitely with you about eiffel; he's got low pain tolerance and isn't exactly patient. i think he's the most likely of them to want to get a tattoo just because he finds it cool / for no particular reason, but he would wimp out at the process, and he wouldn't spend the money required for a good one. i wouldn't be surprised if he's got a bad tattoo he doesn't remember getting (but he definitely remembers dealing with the infection afterwards) though, and / or a weird squiggly line somewhere from a time he insisted a friend of his should give him a tattoo and then he flinched and yelped and generally made it impossible to actually tattoo him.

i think minkowski would get a tattoo, but it'd be something she finds tasteful, small and easily concealed, that she considers a private reminder of something important to her.

lovelace probably has a couple of tattoos - at least one that she got socially, maybe she went to get tattoos as a bonding experience with some of her friends from the air force, and i could see her getting one as a memorial for her crew.

hera... i've been going back and forth on. she seems like a person who would need a tattoo to be meaningful in some way, but i don't know if she'd ever settle on something and actually get one (assuming she even could, of course.) i've been thinking that, if hera got a body, the relative permanence of physical changes would probably freak her out for a while (she would have such a bad time the first time she got a haircut she didn't like) and i think she'd be extra sensitive to physical sensations; it's all new to her.

[devilsskettle]

i’ve seen + heard people say that they thought norman bates was creepy from the beginning of the movie but that’s not my interpretation at all, i think now that that everyone knows the plot of psycho as pop culture trivia, it’s impossible to watch psycho the way it was meant to be seen (hitchcock basically changed how movies were shown in theaters so that audiences would see the whole movie from beginning to end and wouldn’t see the plot twist first, for the sake of suspense! now there’s not the same kind of suspense because every single person in the audience knows who the killer is). i think there’s clear foreshadowing and the whole vibe of the motel is creepy, but norman himself, while a bit awkward, i think comes across as endearing and kind but extremely lonely. obviously as certain things are revealed, he gets creepier, but imo the truly bad thing that he does consciously is cover up his “mother’s” crimes but ofc he has to try to protect her. none of what happens in the movie is premeditated or malicious or even intentional on his part. he’s not even a good liar. idk i really think you’re supposed to see his narrative alignment with marion and feel sympathy for how completely trapped he is in his life, while also being scared of him, at first as someone potentially predatory, then as an accomplice to murder, then as a murderer himself. but not until AFTER his conversation with marion!!

[to-be-a-dreamer]

And if I make a full post talking about how Abby, Shannon, and Taylor were actually really interesting and compelling characters that were just wildly mishandled by the writers and weren't allowed to fully explore their own motivations or personalities outside of being a love interest then what?

This is a threat.

[genderqueerpond]

amyeleven fivenyssa crossover

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.

It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????

[cerealbishh]

"I feel like God's having a good laugh because I thought I was gonna get out of Wabang."

[h3rmitsunited]

I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.

But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back

And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.

And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit

[elvain]

tired of always feeling guilty bc i get good grades but my peers do not get the ones they wanted and therefore start throwing tantrums... what do you want me to do about it bruv get a grip youre 30

[badcountryofficial]

I'm so lucky I realized all I did after my first long term relationship and not like...multiple in

[explode-this]

Just glimpsed the cover of People magazine (I can read it free with kindle unlimited, sometimes I like to see what entertainment the old folks and straights are into, don’t @ me) and it’s Prince Harry with an inset picture of King Chuck and the headline The Real Reason They’re No Longer Speaking. It really sums up the sincere readership as the kind of folks that write advice column letters asking why their ungrateful adult children (and most of their peers’ adult children) have gone no-contact, as though it’s a trend and something their offspring do to spite them that has absolutely nothing to do with them and their parenting in any way, shape or form.