#to forget my old life it doesnt bother me

[s0fter-sin]

the new ep really reminded me of my disappointment of how completely chill hawks is with endeavour abusing his family. him discovering his personal hero was abusive in the exact same way his father was should be gut wrenching, a betrayal but he doesn’t react to it in anyway other than “i’m sure things are different now”. if they made him destroyed and angry and carried that through the villain hunt arc, it would just bolster the tension and support the distrust society has for heroes and the need to put that aside anyway in the face of a greater enemy

[bileroom]

we're going to have our own safe home again and then we can process the. aughh

[jinbeisluffy]

I see so many posts over different social media platforms about sexuality/gender hcs for the strawhats and i want to add in my own two cents because i believe im very correct (but anyone’s opinion is valid so long as it doesnt go against canon coding)

Luffy - the most aroace and trans guy to ever BREATHE. i dont mean aroace in that hes somewhere on the spectrum where he can still be attracted to people, because he cant. this guy had never grasped the concept of romance and never will, because theres no reason for it to him. hes trans because i say he is, i dont have many reasons for THAT but its just the signals hes sending me. trans to trans communication trust

Zoro - gay. thats it thats the post. no but i dont ship luffy with anyone but zoro is just attracted to literally any man who is strong, thats his criteria and thats all he ever needs. is he aware of it? not at all, he has no idea that its not normal to get bricked up by the thought of other men

Nami - i havent seen a bigger lesbian in media ever, genuinely i dont think any other character is as obviously lesbian as she is. she loves girls unapologetically no matter what, supports all girls at the end of the day (cough kalifa) . i also hit her with the asexual beam because i can, specifically demisexual because i THINK so

Usopp - while i wanna consider kaya, i wanna consider sanji too and thats making me lean between bi or omni even if omni is a label under the bi umbrella. its more a question of if he recognises his preference for men or not, because he does prefer then at the end of the day. the ace beam bounces from nami to usopp because he too doesnt feel anything and doesnt think about it either

Sanji - oh my god where do i begin. maybe just the blatant queer coding of wci as a whole?? of course hes attracted to women, thats not an aspect you can remove or just toss around to being something else. he loves and respects women, but he is so QUEER. all of wci is just queer coding, its a queer story and sanji is a queer character i will die on this hill. he probably has some kind of gender issues too, what specifically? no clue, but he likes people of multiple genders and is in deep denial about it all the time he wont ever truly accept it but he can one day as a treat live with that fact

Chopper - oh hes a reindeer he cant really have a sexuality DID WE FORGET THE FACT HES HUMAN TOO ISNT THAT LIKE HIS WHOLE THING, NOT BEING A MONSTER BUT ALSO A HUMAN. HE IS BOTH? i dont have any specific labels to slap onto him, just that hes a people lover and encourager of literally everything. ace beam bounces onto him too

Robin - trans trans trans trans trans trans trans trans you will accept robin transfem into your life right here right now. she can like anyone, she has no label on it, she just likes people and cant bother with genders or anything like that. the ace beam actually skips her because if they were doing a hear me out cake she’d be the one putting all of the crazy things. freak. (lovingly)

Franky - HOW TRANS CODED IS IT NOT TO REBUILD YOUR OWN BODY TO BECOME A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELF AND TO REBUILD YOUR LIFE IN A WAY YOU WANT, BUT GOING BACK TO WHAT YOU LOVED ABOUT YOUR OLD SELF, AND EMBRACING IT. literally, trans goals. he modified his body and went i might as well give myself top surgery and an awesome dick while im here!! sexuality wise hes a lover of everyone, but he has preferences for women (robin) but encourages all bromances (with brook)

Brook - THIS IS WHERE IM MOST PASSIONATE!!!! people can say that hes the token straight grandpa. but theyll never understand the joy of old gay brook had a romance with his captain, the joy of brook trying to subtlety let the other strawhats know he accepts them (he isnt subtle at all and everyone knows). look at brook in drag twice for no reason and tell me he isnt queer, in some way. the ace beam finally hits someone and its brook, insert skull joke here

Jinbei - very specifically old gay man who didnt really do much throughout his youth, he always knew he liked men but he never had TIME to do anything, too busy being awesome and a father i fear. now that hes with the crew he isnt automatically gonna seek anyone out, but hes also not gonna restrain himself from finding interests in people, hes being more selfish now and thats good for him. finally the ace beam hits jinbei and proceeds to fly off towards other op characters that i might talk about some other time

can you tell im asexual and love projecting onto characters with it !!!!

[sophisticatedgia]

I wrote in my journal. It's an old leather journal of my boyfriends. Sorry I know that's not vegan but it is recycling of a sort. I forget to mention my favorite color is also deep forest pine tree green. My favorite pens are precise point pens and I have the green one currently. I wrote about stressors with my boyfriend. Then I read him what I wrote. I wrote about how I feel he isn't considerate of my mental illness disability, when it comes to him wanting to progress and travel in life. I have my support system here, family, gym, behavioral mental health services. I don't want to travel. Progressing, he wants to get a shop or build a home and have an online shop and travel. I said I can't perform normal job duties due to my psychological inability. But I can love him at home, make food, wash dishes, sweep the floor, organize clothes, take out trash, do laundry, and be his gal. He said he'd sacrifice anything for me. Even his dreams of traveling. He told me, "id sacrifice anything for you. That's what true love is."

Omg I was so not expecting that response from him. I am so... relieved and released from my burden of self shame.

I admit when I was very mentally ill I worked at mcdonalds. They did not have me work with the customers and there was another disabled employee working there in the back too. I was able to prep the apple pies, strawberry and cream pies, prep the parfaits (often added extra berries for the customers) and mop and sweep and do dishes. It was hard work truly lol. it was taxing on me psychologically, spiritually, and physically. I was terrified of the fire extinguisher for some reason. Thought it might explode or signified my head exploding like an atom bomb somehow. At the time I was not on anti psychotics. I often talked to myself out loud there too~while working, I feel like I was a little weird kid inside an adult woman's body. Calling myself "doody" and just making stuff up in my head all the time. I thought people were constantly signaling to me in some energetic or real way, and I had to obey them. How strange am I. I thought I was humanity's dog. I thought I was Harley Quinn. I'm not. I felt deep love for everyone there and thought we were family. I even sent them flowers when I had to quit.

I am happy that I am on abilify now, an anti psychotic. And luvox which helps with depression and OCD intrusive thoughts.

My hands are slowly healing , can you believe it?

do you think I'm autistic?

When I sat at a fancy family dinner for moms birthday last February, I could barely make eye contact or chat with anyone. My hands were trembling and legs constantly shaking. It was my extended sophisticated &educated family and my boyfriend and parents. I am not socialized at all.

I used to be highly sensitive to light and sound. I would wear earplugs constantly at work or while walking to gym or the therapist. I felt the beep of machines or noises from TV or radio go straight to my heart in a harsh manner. Also not to mention people's voices and the click clack of any machine.

That has all dimmed down since being with my boyfriend. I amazingly don't even wear ear plugs to sleep anymore. I've become a better sleeper and accustomed to constant noise in the background. It doesn't bother me, barely at all. Though I do love/adore silence.

My boyfriend is like my mother. She needs background noise to sleep. She sleeps with TV on. I used to think my mom was communicating with heavenly light angels in that way. electricity is intense.

I believe we are each a soul and every soul is in need of healing. I believe manmade electricity helps us communicate...but , it doesnt quite emit the same frequency as our bodies and souls do and our holy innate ability to communicate with all creation.

I believe in light pollution. It's not good for us. We are each light beings and infused with divinity. But there are so many bright flashy lights that overstimulate and overwhelm our souls. Manmade electricity is desensitizing to our sacred wholesomeness. Of course we need to see in the dark though. But wouldn't it be cool if humans could evolve to see better in the dark through our own innate spiritual and scientific ability eventually?

Also before I end this tumblr entry. I wanna say I love pastel colors. All pastel colors. My boyfriend says my aura is seafoam green. I ordered, instead of pale pink, a minty light heathery green cardigan. I feel like it's more mature and suits me more.

Also I love the colors green, pink, and orange together. Something so fitting and summery, almost tropical about it.

I'm really excited my sacred friend on Tumblr may be crocheting me a colorful blanket. That makes me feel so precious and valued and calm. I just want her to know any colors she chooses is a blessing and I am immensely grateful.

Also another mutual of mine said she'd send me something. Her art is so beautiful I am absolutely amazed she is cool with me. I ordered something off her Etsy today. Her art is so gentle and cutesy and she's a bright light in my Tumblr life.

And of course so are you.

[pwblogarchive]

June 2009

June 3, 2009

“fuck it/this/me”

Wake up to despise a world I once loved

Why would you bring me in if you knew what youd become

Curse everyone and everything even the sun, Draw the blinds

I want to be tucked in and put back to sleep only like a dog this time

Set the sails

Drop anchor in the middle of a storm

I've got a conversation

And a bottle to keep us warm

Let's break it on the bow

as it sinks

hummingbird with hammers for wings

the swan doesnt remember the last song it sings

Take what you love most and burn it to the ground

the smoke in the air won't leave me be

All around

Count the embers tell me

They don't look like me

They won't sing to me

If I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to become a saint

Everything I promised everyone I'd be I just aint

Bury me with my friends

At the crossroads of dead end

And oh all my old friends

Oh Yeah I hate them

Why bother make new ones too

Just more for me to lose

Put myself in this prison called life

Got a sentence of a lifetime

But I know the warden is god

And I could get paroled at anytime

the letter begins

Dear old feuds

Don't worry I'm headed

Somewhere new

I just hope they let me in the gates

i hope they dont have a calculator to add up all my mistakes

You can't give me any more time than I already have

And then they sent me a postcard from hell

"Wish you were here"

I'm getting close

The gps says were near

Got a key to a lock that doesn't exist

got a world on my back that i cannot lift

drink the world, til its forgotten about

I never know what I'm talking about

Don't care about anybody

But the ones that are gonna carry my coffin

Will my love be the same as I left them

Will my pall bearers be the same as my bestmen?

Tell my friends to forget about becoming famous

Not that it matters this junk is so goddamned contagious

Losing it and I love being lost

Dad, tell me which is worse

Your last breath in the worst city on earth

Or your last kiss from the lips you were built to love from birth

I'm so sick of the neon lights

But every dog will have its day

And when I get mine

I'm gonna paint this world gray

[echoesofadream]

sparkle sunflower leaf bow

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

hmmmm good question. circling bodies? some people liked it and were lovely in the comments as always but idk if it has found its right audience. maybe also all in love is fair, im not super proud of that fic but its still personal to me...

🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?

reading other peoples excellent writing, it makes me feel like my writing is absolute trash and want to delete all my fics and hide forever. but at the same time it can also make me feel so inspired, I guess it depends on my headspace. and then it makes me want to keep going and be better! I love it, getting lots of ideas and realizing there are no rules on what to write or how to write! thats the best. and also when I get in a flow and come out of it so satisfied, that makes me want to keep going.

another thing that makes me wanna give up is when a scene doesnt come naturally and I have to force it, because that feels like faking it and doesn't feel real and honest and I dont like doing it and wanna stop writing

🌿how does creating make you feel?

excited! and sometimes hopeless because writing is HARD even if its a silly fic. its easy to underestimate the task but it can be a lot honestly. so then I try to find the spark that inspired me in the beginning and made me start the fic but that can be almost impossible sometimes, like its not there anymore, but the fic is still unfinished, help? but then I remember that im writing for myself, because its fun and makes me happy and nothing else. and what I love is all the possibilities, they are literally endless, from the first idea to every phrasing of a sentence, like you are God! its the adult version of playing with dolls and you are a god deciding their fates. thats amazing, and sometimes it makes me cackle like a villain when I make them suffer. but I wont lie to you, I have also cried from my own writing, while writing, tears streaming down my cheeks like the words are literally pouring from my own heart. but lets not forget what we are writing is self indulgent fics, of course it makes me feel hot and bothered or flustered too. giggling in my room like ??

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

okay i will try. I guess that I am never trying to follow some formula, using the same old metaphors, etc, like im always trying to write like I am there, living in it and experiencing it myself, so everything I write is original in that way? okay its not like I dont have tropes or clichés in my writing but yeah.. complimenting myself is hard.. I try to live in to what the characters are feeling but thats more like a writing tip than compliment, like idk what people would feel in a situation so I try to feel it myself like im the character. I also think I have improved! this is a compliment to current me, not past me, my old fics make me cringe hard. but yeah, I think my writing is honest.. and also I think I characterize taekook well, because obviously im going to like the way I characterize them because im writing my fantasies for them so hehe. so I can put in my favorite taekook tropes and personality traits. but like I dont just rely on stereotypes

[kerberosstyxnixcharonandhydra]

I would wish to see

OK OH LORD THIS IS GONNA BE LONG, some is stuff discussed w/ my pal @idiotv2 and some is just mine (we each have our own versions but there's some stuff shared so!)

without further adieu: These are kinda old lol. I'll be doing an eventual post about their USC interpretations

ALL:

yeah theyre all related in this one.

They're also all italian immigrants!

There is a front related to each one (Charon's Ferry - clothing store | and i cannot remember the others tbh. kerby's was a trampoline park tho. they go feral in there)

ALL SOME FLAVOR OF NB (they/them) and all of them aroace...except hydra who is the token allo /hj

all our cogs have some slight basing on animals so. furries the lot of them (affectionate)

All have some form of bone/joint/frame/shell issues (The head attorney does too) <- that's their Zizi btw (italian gender neutral for aunt/uncle figures)

All lost their shells but in different ways

(Left is relationships, right is an old reference with their shells + my friend's oc joey. hes funney i like him.)

Charon:

the oldest and tallest

got put into a leadership position but would rather not TM

I'm pretty sure that with their shell Charon was considered to be pretty attractive

Wolf based, i believe they're a timberwolf but we may not have been that specific

Our designs and HC's diverge around when they all lose their shells so -- Charon (to me) becomes a spotlight thing

(Based on the light almost looking like a moon and how wolves howl, and them not wanting to be IN the spotlight)

legal surname is Christy

Gorgon thing also, can reflect damage back at you. maybe also turn you to stone if you step into the beam of light and theyre MAD)

SO SCARED OF BUGS THEY CRY AND GAG AND THROW UP IN THEIR MOUTH (i joke but they are terrified)

COFFEE SNOB

Lost shell due to illness (from their Zizi)

Styx:

Second oldest/second tallest

The affair child TM (this is unfortunately true!)

Their animal was a hyena and boy they laugh like one

THEY ARE ALSO A DHAMPIR (male vampire and human woman) or the rough equivalent. the trait of fucked up bones appears in frame issues x2!

used to do ballet for fun in italy, fell and fucked up their foot/leg so bad they had to stop (it also required a transtibal amputation)

they have a wheelchair for bad days, but often use forearm crutches, or a cane + prosthetic (styx and graham and the foreman in the prosthetic legs club)

NO ACCENT BTW. i cannot stress this enough their voice is a dead monotone with no accent or inflection

Surname is Showalter, despite relation to Charon

DOES IN FACT DRINK BLOOD SOMETIMES. and has a life drain ability (i think it should be through their voice and this is my HC list even though i share many w/ my friend)

Showed a few symptoms of the same illness and skipped right to "get this thing off me NOW before it gets worse"

Nix:

The forgotten middle sibling (REAL) who has a passive cheat that makes people unable to sense their presence (They are a cognitohazard)

This can be rectified if you're around them a lot, but it fucks up your brain forever pretty much. They can also amplify the effect to sneak around if they want (but machines like automatic doors and cameras also forget they exist)

Almost perfectly identical to the head attorney, even when they had shells

They use this to fill in for Nyx (originally when Nyx was too ill to work even after using sick days) and they now intend to go to law school

They're why everyone hates lawbots bc they would give fake CnD's and court orders

Weird bird/cat/bat hybrid thing. cat with feathery wings (and they have white patches which are remnants of their freckles)

Surname is Christy

my freak child with an eating disorder (due to derealization and the feeling that "well im not real why bother" yeah cosmos doesnt take kindly to that.)

Weird luck powers. once made buck roll BAR 7 times in a row just by looking at him weird

Also lost shell bc of illness.

Kerberos:

doberman pinscher (parents weren't going to straighten their ears but i assume another family member did under the guise of getting their ears pierced. sickness and despair in the world

SO PROTECTIVE OF HYDRA FOR REASONS THAT ARE SO FUCKED

conspiracy theorist (but not in a fucked up way, in a funny way. like cryptid hunting) (theyre also so oblivious. we had a joke about them asking THE PERSON THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT about... well themself, without knowing)

One time Hydra got dumped on their doorstep at 8 years old and they never got a moment of peace since (they were like idk 10? 11??)

can obtain messages thru electronic signals ("MOOOM THE TV CALLED ME A BITCH AGAIN" "lol youre so imaginative")

Surname is Showalter

GOT HIT BY A TRAIN AND THEIR SHELL BROKE APART

HYDRA:

IDIOT BLACK CAT ENERGY

The shortest and youngest, but oh so feral

talked to god once we dont need to focus on that

IMMIGRATED ON ACCIDENT I CANT STRESS THAT ENOUGH

kind of a brat but in a PTSD way (neglectful/abusive parents)

"mommy why do you have beef with me im 4"

had 2 imaginary friends growing up, a greek fish who's name translated to Jabberwocky, and a talking house (both are in fact real dw about)

their parents didnt wanna immigrate but they were 8 and didnt understand so after a tantrum their parents packed a suitcase and dropped them with kerberos

they also didnt get a chance to learn english for for like the first few months they only spoke italian (and some greek)

vessel of fate sort of.

Surname is... well they legally changed their name to be.... hydra Hydra. after the mario movie (the live action one) where mario's surname is also mario. theyre wacky.

lost their shell in a drunk driving accident (the designated driver was drunk and drove them right into another car head on)

anyways have some funneys

[4arconinoma]

And on the topic I just have to rant about Bruno's characterization in this fandom. Listen uusually i dont give a fuck about mischaracterization for the simple fact that I am so used to it and it will happen inevitably. So i dont let it bother me But there are some examples in which its so egregious, that it feels like people watched a different show or something...

After rewatching Vento Aureo it just blows my mind how the fandom got to this, weird, "mommy bruno" thing this state for his character that is hardly even present in canon. Its strange because when I was younger and i first watched it I kind of subscribed to it too, i think just by seeing people act that way it cemented itself in my mind as fact But rewatching it now, its so obvious that its just MISSING his entire character, and so many little details and aspects of it that the show makes quite Clear!

Its not just the fact that he is so young. But that bothers me too I wish people acknowledged that hes barely an adult. People act like hes 30 or something HE'S TWENTY he's BARELY AN ADULT okay and I Know he acts older than he really is and maybe that's why people mix it up, maybe people haven't seen his age on the wiki, but don't they state it in the show ?!?! Either way, the thing is that's Literally a canon element of his character, he DOES act older than he is because he HAS to he HAD to grow up so much earlier than everyone else he has to act more responsible than even the 22 year old on the team because that guy just cant step up like he does And hes had no other reliable figure to guide him ever since he was young it was only Him and he had to become entirely independent at what fucking 12 years old.

Right and wouldn't it just be really cool if people actually took that into consideration? That he's so young he's tired that maybe he's JUST as scared as everyone else on the team and he feels lost and confused too but he just CAN'T let that show because he's the ONE person who is keeping the team glued together? And Giorno yes he stepped into his place — Which is its own sort of tragedy to me, that the 15 year old had to follow in Bruno's same steps of growing up too soon because no one else could manage things like he does and he has only himself to depend on now while running the Entire Italian Mafia — but either way it's just the way this attitude of his is brushed off as Mommy bruno mama bear hes such a mom 🥺🥺🥺 Is almost insulting? And i wont even get into the gender role aspect of that, some people have discussed that before too, that in contrast with Abbacchio who is the "father" (nevermind that he can barely even take care of Himself, and is cold to his entire team, not a great example of a father is it) is mischaracterized too for the sake of woobifying Bruno! Also hate this as a Bruabba enjoyer but thats another discussion entirely

And the last thing that puzzles me is just, that he doesn't even act close to being motherly in canon. Maybe save for the Trish thing, and the thing with Narancia's backstory, which is indeed him caring for younger people But due to what i stated previously, he HAS to and Id bet he feels compelled to. I wont deny that he is kind and he doesnt want kids to lead a life like his, because that's literally a part of his character that they show. But I think people are forgetting that he fucking beat up a 15 year old immediately after meeting him, then didn't even invite him to his gang: GIORNO did that HIMSELF, Literally went "you Will let me join your gang. I will join it' now." and bruno was like Okay. And the thing from my previous post, is that they literally canonically show that Bruno does act detached to his gang, not... not the other way around. See why this characterization misses so much. He doesn't have TIME to build any particular bonds with his gang Yes he is kind to them of course he is But like the scene of Abbacchio's death where he orders everyone to just go on because they don't have time for this even though he's just as distraught, or Trish feeling frustrated that he acts so cold, he puts some sort of wall between him and the gang even if it's subtle. Narancia even says he knows this about Bruno, that he knows him because of his past with him he noticed that Bruno PUSHES people away because he doesn't want them to go down the same path he did, not because he is their "mommy" it's because his life is fucking MISERABLE and he is a kind person so he doesn't want that for others, especially not younger people because HE was in that same spot too so YEAH okay he cares about kids WHO WOULDN'T What kind person would want to let a child down his lifestyle... This displays his kindness and virtue as a leader, not his. """"Motherly instincts"""".

Okay. I don't know, I just wish the fandom left room for this sort of nuance to his character. I have never seen anyone bring this up. It's always people just making up this completely different Bruno than the canon one, I understand why people confuse this. I used to as well, when I was young and many people in this fandom are, but fuck, it would just be nice if people took this aspect of him into account, because I think it's interesting! Its so much more interesting than going Aww Mommy Bruno he loves his kids (ugh) and completely ignoring the rest of his character! Just... a thought !!!!! Or several !

[fluffyseal322]

Sat, oct 26

Today was agonizing. My mental state was on a straight decline throughout the day, nothing was getting better. My mind was on a constant run about how selfish and fucked the world is and the people in it. If anyone bothered asking me "What's wrong" or "are you okay?" or even a "how are you doing.... no like, HOW ARE YOU DOING?" If anyone in the world even batted at eye towards my soul, i'd tell them I feel like im being tortured. I'm at a work place where I should be focusing on work. Not, oh do i handle a situation of a homeless guy touching me inapropriatly or how do I respond after I get cut off and literally yelled at in the back by my manager. And watching the world just spiral in a declining slope right in front of my eyes at a place as simple as my own workplace. Two men were literally about to go at it as im trying to help customers. A customer tells me "You arent going to do something about that?" bro, no.... do you obviously see that i am a woman who's a lot smaller than the two? And even if i did confront them.... I'D CRY JUST TRYING TO BE BRAVE.... I TOLD HIM THAT AND HE RESPONDED WITH "how old are you?" and continues to say... "youre an adult and you still cry?" UR FUCKED. HOW SMALL CAN YOUR BRAIN BE, SIR? I AM NOT YOU, I DO NOT HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCES AS YOU OR ANYONE YOURE AROUND. i hate people, i hate people, i hate people so much!!! i couldnt even mask today.... all i could do was dissociate and forget. pretend things didnt happen. why is everyone mad at me that i left, no one bothered to ask me why i was leaving or is in any concern. yk.... its hard being a girl who dislikes the sun and is constantly sexualized outside of my own home. just being a woman is sexualizing enough and there is nothing i can do. WHY CANT ANYONE FEEL FOR ME LIKE I AM ABLE TO FEEL FOR THEM. WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE IN ME. and the homeless guy that touched me inappropriately, he got yelled at by a customer and ?humiliated and i confronted him like "why couldnt you just let him live?" and wen he was talking to me i wanted to cry. i felt for that homeless man and i wish he never had to go through that. i can see through to his pain like it's a clear peice of glass. that man who yelled at him, he doesnt understand that life is hard. his mind is too narrow too. i couldnt expalin myself without getting overwhelmed. i couldnt even keep eye contact anymore. life is so extremely corrupted and people dont care. people dont care to make a change within, how can i expect society to become better or even the health of our own planet. All we do is destroy and corrupt. all we care about is power. they dont care about the wellbeing of anything unless its something of value that they love. FUCKED. THIS WORLD IS ALL FUCKED. HOW CAN I DO ANYTHING WHEN I AM SO WEAK. HOWWWW?!

[in-decisivo]

hi it was my 25th birthday

it was April 2018 and all i know is i couldnt get you off my mind

like you have occupied my mind so much i just want to be near you all the time

i wasnt looking for anything serious it just that i have never felt this pull toward any person that isnt you

and you made that happened

so its my birthday and you happen to be laying beside me

i swear i didnt drink heavy that night

but why are you looking at me like that

why did you looked me in the eye

why did you held my face

i think thats my queue and thats my fault

for some reason i know you wanted me too and it made me feel happy and confused and all the flutters

it was in tagaytay and its my 24th happy birthday i know you carried my bags for me and its just the two of us alone

i havent told you that i wish we didnt have to see our friends that day it felt so nice to be around you like an embrace like whatever i do i will not be in danger because you are there it felt like for a long time that i just made it seem like im eternally annoyed at you

roll my eyes, bite you, pinch you whatever

i know its my birthday that day tho i havent told you i wanted to be alone with you and not go in the pool but all i know what we did the night before was a blur i dont know how to speak on it

i know that day i wont be able to forget you i know my heart wont because when we parted ways that day at Taft i wish i get to hop on another bus ride home with you but i went home by myself

and for some stroke of unfortunate events we stopped talking nothing from you nothing ever filled my mind but that just one night and thats my birthday i think im done with manifesting i think this is wrong i think this is not good for me

im not sure anymore but all i know is that im floating my soul left my body somehow i was looking for answers i am merely astral projecting i was looking for you

i thought to myself that same year in 2018 if it doesnt work in December then i should forget you forget about you forget you for the rest of my life

i am not sure why i am retelling this memory again it feels like i cant dodge my thoughts and have to dump it somewhere

we became a thing before the year ends right all is right in the world it kind of felt like that somehow everything was nice everything was clear

sadly that old me died along with you leaving me

i am not the same person anymore

i became everything and nothing all at once

i am too much and not enough

i am too loud and too quiet

i became everything you ever think i was by that however you define it im not bothered anymore

i am meant to experience this wasnt i?

i havent forgotten

i will never be able to

i cant forgive you

that was really unfair

im not sure i can

i dont know how

i know you died

and so am i

you dont know how many funerals i held for you

i know you died i swear you died

above anything else

i think its my fault for kissing you on my 24th this wouldnt have happened and we could be friends

but we can never be friends now, we cant be

its been 2 grieving years from 2022

the traces of you are fading i am glad that it is

please dont reappear in my dreams so often

please dont visit me in my dreams

it leaves a hole in my chest everytime i wake up

ill never get used to it

i dont know how many more goodbyes i have in me

but goodbye

im just really really really disappointed at this point

just really sad and disappointed

the scar you left after striking and twisting the knife at my back still aches from time to time

one day you will see

[cyanlastride]

i just had a very odd dream.

fuck you, this is my blog, ill write a full length essay on my dreams if i want to.

in the dream, i was in a class or lab with an old friend of mine. she asked if i wanted to go on a date. i was confused, but said yes. i was confused because i have asked this person in real life if they would ever consider a relationship with me and they said no. in the dream, i had never asked that question, but i did start asking why they wanted to be in a relationship with me.

"what, youve never considered it?"

"no, no, ive thought about it a lot! and i really want it. but it just doesnt make much sense for what i know about you, yaknow? youre not interested in the same things that i am, and honestly im not sure how interested you are in me as a person. its not that i dont want you. i just dont get it."

so i successfully fucked up my shot with even the dream version of this friend, because my brain is incapable of coming up with reasons why someone would like me other than *shrug* we spend a lot of time together.

fuck. you know what i just realized? the dream continued with me getting close to another girl, while the friend was still in the scene. which is exactly what i did in real life. it didnt seem to bother dreamfriend. i dont know how realfriend felt about it.

ive written this before, but the last time i saw the friend, they said they dont think theyd been a very good friend to me. i dont think thats true at all. i think i wasnt a very good friend to them. i never learned how to be.

i miss her. i miss all of them.

i destroyed her world, didnt i? i invited people into her space and destroyed the one place she felt comfortable.

i really suck at being friends with people.

i want to be better. i want a second chance that exists while im awake.

im forgetting the good times. i know i am. my memory sucks ass and makes me out as a villain every time. its hard to tell when its being truthful.

i miss them. i miss them all terribly.

i want to be able to say i love you without things being weird. and i want them to be able to honestly say it back.

if you ever read this, i love you. i hope that i am worthy of your forgiveness.

[destinybcnds]

"You're not originally from this time either, correct?" He didn't bother introducing himself, or asking if they could talk. According to the other people he'd met in this time, she didn't seem very approachable, but that was why Emmet approached her like he did. It was better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. Though he wasn't very likely to ask for the former, either. Regardless, if he didn't ask for permission, she couldn't say no. Whether she dignified him with a response or not was anyone's guess, but either way he'd make it further down his track by skipping the pleasantries. Hoping it would help convince her to answer, he put his hands up, both palms facing forward in an attempt to show her that he didn't harbor any ill will.

"If you are not, I would just like to ask how much you remember from of your original station- I won't ask anything of you beyond that if you rather I do not. I am just trying to make sense of something." But he wasn't going to get into his own personal issues with her unless she asked. He figured it was best to keep this as short and concise as possible. "Anything you do- or do not- remember would me very much."

(bothering katsumi <3 lmk if this doesnt work for any reason)

Though her expression was unreadable, even without the mask, there was a spark of something behind her cold eyes as they fell over the talkative man. Expression aside, he looked just like Ingo... Already that put him in better standing than most strangers she came across. As long as she'd known him, Ingo seemed to get lost in broken memories, trying to recall someone or something.

If this was that someone, then she was more inclined to trust him against her better judgement.

"You're right." Though you'd never be able to tell at a glance from how she'd integrated herself into the fashion and the culture.

Normally she didn't entertain questions about her past.

But she'd make an exception here.

"I don't remember much of anything, actually. Even my family are a blur in my mind." She shakes her head. "I've been here so long that my old life feels a million years away. I remember that I came from Johto... and battling against a series of strong trainers to collect... something. The world felt smaller in a way with all of the towns. Pokemon were easier to deal with too..."

She shakes her head.

"Sorry to disappoint you. I think the longer you're here, the more you'll forget."

[criticalbennifer]

"My wife is here, she'll confirm that!" why do they always have to advertise their relationship? Do they think we're going to forget they're married or something? 99% of the time now when they're making any sort of public appearance they're together or talking about each other or both, I don't remember it ever being this way with their previous partners. Also, as a side note, this is just speculation, but I really get the feeling that they miss the kind of media and public attention they got when they were first together and really want to replicate that now, but unfortunately the public doesn't seem to really care. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

I thought I was being “bitch eating crackers” about this so I left things alone. But I guess others have noticed. This one in particular didn’t bother me but there was something in the Variety video that bugged. He mention Jlo when telling MBJ he watched the Creed movie. That was ok - it seemed off hand, but then he was mentioning her “impact,” and i thought “why bring that up?” Did he have a “mention Jlo is inspirational” quota to fulfill? It felt disingenuous.

But you know what? I prefer when Ben brings her up, than when Jlo brings him up. She always sounds like a 12 year when she talks about him. She seems…vapid.

When Ben drops new info about her it’s cool. She watches Yellowstone?! Oh, she saw the Creed movies! I prefer that to the “she’s so impactful!” In reverse she’s never dropping info that I want to know. What’s his favorite movie this year? What book is he reading right now? Why doesn’t she post some of his photography -that she’s not in!- on her instagram?! It’s always just “I put Jlo Beauty on him **tee hee**” WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?! IT DOESNT EVEN WORK! HE LOOKS AS DRY AND ASHY AS EVER!

Do they want the same attention they had back then?

I think Jlo does. The majority of her projects in the next year revolve or are associated to him. Which I don’t like. She’s always mixing her professional life with her personal life and it always comes back to bite her (AND HER KIDS!!!) in the ass. You’d think she’d learn by now to keep the two separate.

Maybe Ben does too but only the good parts (whatever those are). He doesn’t want to look ridiculous, which, good luck. You’re married to Jlo, there’s no escaping that. She’s like Donald Trump, aiming for glamorous - always ending up at tacky. I think mostly Ben is using this relationship to look stable so he can get insured and get more jobs. Does he love her? I don’t even know if he likes her. He’s not helping himself with all these grumpy cat pap strolls. He always looks miserable and like he’s about to bail - which always means a spiral. It’s like he’s trying not to be too associated with her. All those “happy” family farmer’s market pap stroll pics still exist on the internet, to remind people of the “normal” “suburban” boring life Ben used to have and some people still want for him. Is he trying to keep that door open? But the “marriage is work” speech is still up and around too so…

I think he’s “behaving” right now because he’s campaigning in award season and he doesn’t want to rock any boats. I want to see what becomes of them after awards season. Are the paps with the ex wife going to start up again? Or has he finally set up some real boundaries (I doubt it)?

I don’t think they’re as big as they were back then but I think they’re still a big deal. If they had better resumes, they’d be THE golden couple but they’re out here coming out with bullshit like this “album” and Marry Me (she’s too old for these roles and needs to hard transition to straight drama) and Hypnotic (which was fun and had some nice abs but was so dumb). At least they’re more interesting together than they are apart. TBH I wouldn’t care about either of them if they weren’t together right now.

[mahpaiam]

Im so tired i had to walk the whole day today and think agout my life. I hated it. J kept thinking about B and slipping into delusions and escapism. None of it is real. It’s old. So old. He doesnt feel the same way anymore or probably thinks of me. When he comes back i wont let him. Because I spent this whole summer trying to recover and forget him. He doesnt deserve all of that. I hate how i fell for it. Now i cant think of anything but delusions with him, he’s in my thoughts all the time, even when I’m with my friends I feel myself dissasociati bc. I know it’s not him I want, but just someone, and he is the current placeholder. I kept thinking about him for so many hours and I’m so disappointed in myself. What do people think about in their heads? Do i think too much? Why dont i derive the same pleasure from less romantic rhoughts? I hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my relationship with my parents. My mom got mad at me for not sitting next to her but rather 3 feet away. I said sorry but in the end blurted out that all she did was criticize or fuss over me if i was near her. How was i supposed ro crave or want to be near that if it was always negative? But she counters with the fact that shes trying to teach me. What’s the point in teaching if you have no relationship with someone? I’m 20 years old now. It feels too much. I feel like i’m 12 around her and my father does nothing but enable it. I dont bother defending myself anymore, he’s lived off this skewed vision of me for years and I won’t bother trying to prove myself. I hate myself. So much. I feel like when I talk to God he doesnt answer or when I pray, so many things I ask for goes completely opposite. I just want to be happy but I cry all the time. At the walk i was in hysterics. I couldn’t stop crying and blubbering and hoping other people wouldn’t see. I also lost my voice. My mom went off to cry at the church and i apologized (even if the situation is unfixable and skewed from the start. She told me she wished someone shot her so she wouldnt have to look at us, her children. That made me want to die. We’re so successful and so many other parents envy us. I’m a successful engineering student and I volunteer everywhere and I have so many accomplishment. My older sister is an accountant and got a job right out. My little sister is studying to become a nurse. We all have made paths for ourselves but all my mother cares about is if I’m pretty, go to church, or make her look good. It’s like she cares about the idea of having children. I feel sobad because she feeds us and takes care of our family but i cant help feeling like she does it for placeholders, the role of having a family, but not about any of us as people. I want to cry. I feel so alone. I feel like i have no one to support me. I wanted a boyfriend for the longest time, to have someone to share this burden with but now all i think about is how it would encumber me. I think i just want to be loved and appreciated

[limetimo]

in terms of family dynamics I'm Regulus but boy do I wanna be Sirius so badly

[jung-koook]

let me talk about something here please.

every time I open my inbox I saw hates messages. I prefer to block these messages, ignore them completely but this time I think I need to reply to these ones that left me extremely offended.

stealing from twitter??? what?? whenever I go on twitter and see a photo or video and post it here I always put the credits. I also check their twitter account to see if there are any messages from them asking us to not repost their videos and photos. and after so many controversies and fansites wrong behaviors, i also stopped supporting fansite fantakes. when I go on twitter to look for translations for my gifs I always put the credits in the description of them. when I post only the translation I take a screenshot of their account and post it showing their username. I also use twitter for news and I always post a screenshot showing where the new came from. and I use twitter to see other instagrams uploading members photos, but do i need to put credits where i got these photos? please, I didnt steal anything from anyone!

now this one.. gosh :/ being called a sasaeng is so offensive, I’m really shook right now :/ let me reply to this message :////

first of all, I am a 24 year old adult, thank you. “has major saesang behavior”??? what do you mean by that?? if you call me something like that you have to give me proof of what you're talking about! I never posted anything from their private events and schedules. nor pics of them just enjoying their lives. i document every moment of jeongguks life?? I cant understand what you're talking about because i dont to that. I never posted anything private about his life!

i already posted some pics of jeongguk that his brother posted on his instagram and his brother talking about gureum. his brother always interacted with army on instagram. he already posted some pics of jeongguk and some bangtan fanarts on his instagram. his brother never told armys not to interact with his account. but after some people asked me not to post these photos/pics here anymore, i deleted them.  (i dont see anything wrong with posting these since his brother doesnt see a problem with it. different from hobis sister who already said she doesnt like her instagram posts beind shared. )

when jeongguk was to film the ‘left and right’ mv. I saw a translation account translate to where he was going. I had read the kmedia news but I didnt realize that the two accounts were talking about different places. so I completely wrongly shared what the translation account translated but that account translated the place bighit was trying to keep private. a nice person here saw it and came to warn me about it and after that i deleted my post and apologize for sharing that here. I think unfortunately these are mistakes that anyone can make. but that doesnt make them saesang. please search on saesang term first.

if i cared about ony notes i wouldnt make gifs anymore. I make gifs because its a hobby that helps me to relax, to forget about the things that are bothering me in my personal life, to show a little bit of my love and admiration for bangtan by making my gifs. but notes are something important and caring about notes is nothing wrong! everyone wants to have their work recognized in some way right? and here its through the notes. so yes, I will self-reblog my posts whenever I want, thanks. :) 

I dont know why but there seem to be a lot of people who dont like that I've been here since 2013 lol and they think I dont deserve the support I got since the start of my blog. been here since the beginning helped me a lot and its something important for me. please dont try to take that out of my story. my blog is a beautiful part of my history as a bangtan fan. please dont try to hurt this part of my story. I went on hiatus for a while because I'm studying architecture and I had to focus only on my studies :)) when i came back tumblr was completely different. the people I knew from before werent here. even though i still had a lot of followers i felt like most werent here anymore either. so for me it was like starting my blog all over again. most of the people who support my blog here dont know it from the beginning, most are new people. so the reason I have support here is not because I've been here since 2013. the only ugliness I see here is you and your messages. you tried to ruin my day and you succeeded. :)

I'm tired of people trying to make things up about me! leave me alone! I'm not hurting anyone. I just post my gifs, support the work of other talented people here and scream for bangtan. stop trying to make up extremely dangerous lies about me! if you dont like me and my blog, stop being pathetic please do something for yourself. blocked my blog so you will never see me here again.

P.S. I’m sorry for my bad english but i needed to answer these messages. and I answered that way because I needed to block these people or the same person from my blog.