#to clarify this is probably not. a healthy mindset. but i do think it is a laurent mindset!!

[ninicaise]

it's easy to think laurent would be defensive towards damen's soft posessiveness bc of his whole Thing. but then i remember that laurent is insane and more specifically i remember that one passage in kings rising where damen sorta spreads his whole palm in what i believe he called a 'proprietary' touch on laurent's chest and laurent is so into it he literally has to break the kiss and close his eyes to fully feel it. first of all pacat was insane for that one. second of all that is such a laurent thing to do i feel like if damen did let a 'you're mine' slip at some point he'd rationalize it as well like ok. if i'm damen's i'm not my uncle's. and if i'm not uncle's i can be damen's instead. and that is. A good thing. anyway i love you insane boy

[idontmindifuforgetme]

how do you fall in love with yourself

unlearn the idea that confidence is conceit. i see this belief imposed on women especially, that if they’re very unapologetic about loving themselves it automatically means they’re narcissistic / think they’re better than everybody else. that’s not true at all. you can love yourself while also acknowledging you’re not inherently better than anyone else. you can love yourself while also being kind & supportive to others. it’s okay to be both of these things at once.

let go of the scarcity mindset. women (everyone really, but especially women) get pitted/compared against each other all the time. you see it w female celebrities in the media, but it’s very prevalent in real life as well. this is very much years of societal conditioning & both women & men partake in this behavior. ignore it. rest easy knowing that there can be multiple beautiful women, multiple smart women, multiple funny women in any environment at any given time. there is enough clout to go around; you don’t need to feel like if there’s another pretty/smart girl it means you no longer have the space to also be a pretty/smart girl. instead operate from an abundance mindset: always (alwaysss) be happy for other girls when they succeed, when they’re praised, when they’re loved, whatever. see them not as competition but as inspiration. envy is such a colossal waste of time bc nobody else’s accomplishments have any bearing on your own!!

get to know yourself more. i love the analogy of dating yourself bc it’s true. i went through a rough period of being around my ex 24/7 to the point i didn’t even know myself, and then i spent the post-breakup year hanging around everyone else constantly to numb my thoughts. now i’m spending more time alone than ever & i’m getting to know myself so much. learning about my taste in fashion, music, everything. and i’ve had so much more time to invest in hobbies & skills, which is very instrumental to building healthy self-esteem. ofc there’s a more balanced way to do this, but make sure you’re not running away from yourself!

what do you like outside of everybody’s opinion? don’t interpret this the wrong way—it’s completely fine to be inspired. every single person you know has copied someone else to an extent. but if you find yourself going too far, not trusting yourself to make the simplest decisions, just following trends blindly and nothing else, you’ve left the inspiration territory and started crossing into plagiarism. move from a place of self-direction and really think about what is naturally appealing to you. it doesn’t matter if it’s not popular or nobody else likes it. if you like it & if it makes you happy, that’s all you need.

practice self-love! i had to do this lol but it works wonders. i started intentionally telling myself that i trust my own taste, that i trust my own choices, that if i think something’s cool it’s good enough, talking to myself kindly etc etc. eventually all this stuff will become natural to you & you won’t find yourself having to expend so much energy into simply loving you for you. don’t give up even if it’s hard to believe at times.

don’t give a fuck. seriously. just don’t give a single flying fuck what someone else has to say. there will always be That One Person who tries to tear you down, belittles you, gaslights you etc etc and if you know in your heart you’re not doing anything wrong, just ignore and keep it pushing. you can’t be everyone’s favorite person (nor should you want to be). think of your favorite celebrity. anyone ever. they probably all got subjected to hate. now think of how they’re successful still & how it didn’t take anything away from them. there you go <3

if literally everyone on this planet starts hating you, loving yourself is still the antidote. to clarify, how others perceive us does hold weight. but if legit every single person i know started hating me, and i still loved myself, i’d probably still live a full life bc my perception is all that really matters in the end. i don’t need anyone else to be my #1 fan—i can do that myself just fine. it technically is actually your world & everyone else is just living in it. so enjoy that! stop giving a hard time to the one person who will always be w you through thick and thin (yourself). eat good food & watch good shows & read good books & just have fun. i love u

[faramirsonofgondor]

A great example of ted’s non-confrontational approach is how Ted refuses to correct Trent when he asks if it’s true that they threw a party in the locker room for losing the match in s1. All ted had to do was say “actually that was a party planned for sam’s bday” and it would have changed trent’s attitude to some extent. But no, ted is too stuck in his “people will observe what i do and come around to seeing that i’m right” attitude. There was literally no reason not to correct the record and it made ted look totally unserious about his job!

Yes! Ted is a very non confrontational and I don’t really think he actually understands just how harmful his behavior is. He tends to handle most of his issues by ignoring them and believing that things will sort themselves out. He also acts like people will be able to understand what he wants from and adopt his mindset. Especially when Jamie is concerned. Jamie was harming the teams dynamic in season 1 and Ted just decided to be patient and beat around the bush instead of stepping up and telling Jamie to cut it out.

It sort of reminds of the scene in The Office where Stanley is very openly disrespecting Michael, and Michael tries to take the friendly approach but Stanley continues to be insubordinate and rude. But once Michael actually invokes his authority and tells Stanley that needs to cut it out and respect him, because Michael is his boss, Stanley begrudgingly cleans up his act and begins to respect him.

I think if Ted had done similar, he could’ve seen results from Jamie a lot sooner. The problem is that Ted dances around the topic at first and then gets increasingly frustrated when Jamie doesn’t meet his expectations. Telling Jamie to remember that’s he’s only of 11 and that he should be a team player is truthfully really unclear and shitty advice. Especially considering Jamie has issues picking up on “implied��� messages. So, Ted thinks that he’s being clear and telling Jamie to pass the ball around, but Jamie probably didn’t really grasp that. Then the whole thing with stepping over Sam, and Roy trying to fight Jamie happened. And Ted decides the best course of action is to bench Jamie, and he’s still not communicating clearly on why he’s benching Jamie because he thinks it’s obvious. Then, when Jamie says he’s injured, Ted immediately assumes Jamie is lying and blows up at him. Like Ted’s reaction was extremely inappropriate. And I’ve seen a lot of people say that Jamie deserved it for being a prick and shit, but Ted is his boss, who’s nearly twice his age and who (in Jamie’s mind) is punishing him for unclear reasons. The fact that he NEVER clears any of this up is just so?????

And then the whole thing with Sam’s birthday. Like it’s not the only time that someone outright asks Ted something and instead of answering he just completely dodges it. There are so many things he should’ve clarified, like telling Jamie he never sent him away, or telling the team Jamie was coming back. Not to mention, he just never did shit about Nate’s behavior in season 2?? It’s just so frustrating when Ted is supposed to give the team guidance and be a good coach but then he ends up constantly contradicting his own standards for others. Like he says “be curious not judgmental” and then proceeds to be extremely fucking judgmental with Jamie.

I really just don’t think Ted sees how his mindset is hurting the people around him. He has a responsibility to the team to make sure that things go smoothly and they’re all happy and healthy but instead he avoids their issues half of the time, or gives them half assed advice the other half of the time.

Ted just needs to learn to be more direct with other people. His metaphors are so complex and time consuming half of the time and it’s actually a bit irritating. Like the whole Denver Broncos thing after Colin came out??? Ted could’ve just been like “we support you and care about you and whatever you’ve been going through” but instead he has to turn it into this whole speech. Some of Ted’s speeches are appropriate and well timed, but some of them also just really miss the mark.

It’s just really frustrating to see, especially considering Ted fucks Jamie over the most but he supposedly cares about Jamie a lot (which might be true but he never acknowledges how he’s hurt Jamie or that he’s never really shown him that he cares about Jamie). Like I think somewhere in s3 Jamie probably just came to the conclusion that Ted has a problem with him and only him because it seems like Ted is extremely lenient when it comes to everyone else’s shitty behavior but Ted got super mad at him (and the whole Zava shit). In reality, I think Ted has been getting away with being very indirect with other people because they’ve been pretty decent at picking up on what Ted wasn’t saying, but for people like Jamie it was probably just really frustrating and difficult because Ted was being confusing and then extremely angry.

I think Ted’s general avoidant behavior is where his “forgive him” advice comes from as well. Ted got by with never acknowledging or addressing Jamie’s trauma because other people were there to do it for him (Beard giving Jamie Ted’s note, Beard kicking out Jamie’s dad, Roy hugging Jamie, etc.) So when there’s no buffer, when it’s just him and Jamie and he’s not able to avoid the topic he tries to get Jamie to forgive and forget because it gives Ted an out from having to worry about Jamie and his trauma. In his mind, if Jamie just forgives his dad, then there won’t be an issue anymore. And it’s not just Jamie he does this with, he does it with a lot of the team. When there’s a certain situation he can’t relate to he either 1) tries to come up with a story or metaphor that encapsulates his mindset and perspective or 2) he tries to get other people to let their issues go. I think we see this most clearly when Isaac attacks the homophobe in S3. He is extremely aware of the fact that Isaac is upset about what was said, and not in just a “i hate being insulted” kind of way. Nobody just attacks someone like that because they’re insulted. But Ted is either purposefully ignorant or he just oblivious because implies that he should just let that kind of stuff go and ignore it. Which first of all, I really don’t think the locker room, in full view of the team, coaches, and Trent, was the appropriate place to have this discussion. Secondly, I think Ted just doesn’t get that not everyone has his mindset and some things just can’t be let go of that easily (I’m not saying Isaac was justified or anything). Thirdly, Ted should’ve waited for Isaac to calm down and reign in his anger and his frustration before saying anything like that.

Ted acts like his advice/mindset is perfect for every scenario when it’s really not. And it’s an extremely harmful way of thinking because it’s not just Ted that it’s affecting. Especially considering Ted doesn’t actually follow through with a lot of his own advice and expectations. Like the most prominent example I can of is Jamie, who seems to absorb everyone’s advice and follow it to the letter. He applies the advice he’s been given to his mindset and approaches every scenario with it. He understands the poop-eh metaphor and applies it the quickest and most consistently out of everyone in the team. The issue is that sometimes Jamie over corrects for things and it fucks with the boundaries Jamie has with other people. Like the entire scene where Jamie is expressing his concerns about Zava in a respectful manner, and yet here the coaches are making fun of him, telling him that he’s doesn’t really have a right to be upset, and assuming that it’s just his ego. Zava fucking steals Jamie’s first goal of the season, and nobody says shit. This is so inconsistent to Ted’s ideas and expectations in S1, and it’s just really unfair and unprofessional to Jamie. But Jamie doesn’t know if he’s allowed to address that or not because Ted is the one who’s in power and he doesn’t want to risk upsetting Ted again.

Anyways sorry this turned into a whole rant thing, I just have so many thoughts about all of this!

[alyjojo]

January ⛸️ 2024 Monthly - Capricorn

Whole of your energy: Death

In your meditation was this same tapestry I have hanging on the wall, which made me chuckle, I’ll post it after. I just like it, and it’s staying for the year, I don’t connect it to Capricorn, but still that’s what I’m getting. It’s The Fool card, except on this cliff, it’s Persephone reaching out for transformation (butterfly/seasons)…about to leap, because it’s The Fool, and Hades below, reaching for her. Your preshuffle shows needing to gain some perspective on a romantic partner or relationship, both Wands court cards, you two show up as a divine pair. Probably very different though, opposites even. Or it seems so. In the vision, these two were singing the same song but differently, in their own way, but consciously towards the other person 🎶

I don’t get a bad feeling from this Death card, like most people might, more that you’re ringing in the new year with necessary changes on your mind, probably self judgements for the most part, personal transformations, conscious ones, I get this being a positive release of what you don’t want anymore. Some of you will be more focused on where your money is going, entertainment, tv subscriptions, unnecessary expenses, eating too much fast food. Some of you could start going to the gym, walking your dog more often, generally getting back on a schedule where you’ve allowed yourself to be more lax and enjoying whatever your holiday season is. It’s back to work for you 💯

What’s going on in January:

Page of Cups:

I don’t get you approaching this from a negative mindset, even with 4 Pentacles here. That’s your energy, and here it seems to be about saving money, that’s probably one of your main goals for this year, at least starting off. This Page can be a sweet invite or being asked out on a date, it feels very new if that’s the case. I think when it comes to dating, you’re being totally honest that you just don’t have the money to do anything too extravagant, the holidays could’ve kicked your butt financially and you’re still recovering. Dates, parties, gatherings, are all financial risks you don’t want to take, or can’t, but again I don’t see you being negative about it. Just honest, “I like you, I want to, but I just can’t right now.” For some of you this could be a child or partner that’s frustrated at you for holding back from some event *they’re* invited to, or it’s possible you’re lecturing them about it and they’re being stubborn. Or you are. Page of Cups can also show an apology for something along these lines, if someone has been offended. Some of you are simply creating a second/third/etc savings account where you save up for fun stuff. $20 a week or so, whatever you’ve been giving Hulu that you never watch.

Ace of Swords:

This energy is more harsh, but it doesn’t *feel* harsh, it feels healthy. Queen of Swords clarifies, she holds the Ace of Swords, and there are a whole gang of people at the bottom of the deck being swiftly cut off, because that’s what Swords do. Something is being communicated in an honest & straightforward way, I don’t get any toxic energy or conflicts. Or if there’s an apology involved, there’s clear communication and clarity involving whatever went wrong, what you’re avoiding or dealing with at the moment. You’re not mean, but you are separating from “others”, possibly friends that like to spontaneously go out and spend money, at bars or something. You can’t afford that right now, you hope no one gets offended, but you’re also emotionally detached from that outcome if they do. You know what you need, and you have no issue speaking your truth about what’s what and how this is going to go. Or someone is this way with you.

8 Pentacles:

Your work energy is pretty intense this month, if you had a small vacation or a few days off, you’ll be back at it in no time. Something is going down at work with another person - a Tower, this could be unexpected, and because of this situation, circumstances are currently changing with your own job and where you stand on things. 10 Pentacles rev at the beginning could show work being unstable right now, I don’t get that’s because of you or even regarding you. For now though, you may be expected to take on more responsibility, handle some sort of work crisis, invest a lot of yourself in that area of life. Could be family for someone. As for friends, love or anything else, that’s going to have to take a backseat, not forever just for now, while a situation is “ironed out” because it’s sudden, unexpected, and takes immediate priority. For some of you, your job could have changes scheduled to roll out at the beginning of the year, and someone messes something up - leaving it on you to help get things where they need to be. Or clean up a mess 😬

3 Wands:

Whatever this is will last more than a day, more than a week even, I’m not sure but it’s the heavy time being invested that’s causing someone to be kinda irritable with you - it’s like you live at this place - and I’m getting you have zero control over this right now. You want to leave too, spend time with your person or meet up with friends, you just can’t afford it or are super busy right now. It’s not your fault, I keep hearing that, all there is to do is wait it out, circumstances are shifting and won’t stay this way forever. Something is chaotic at work or home, but I see you more as a grounding force there, than part of any of the issues. You could be hoping that by being so available, you’re rewarded in some way. More money, new position, a gift card to say thanks for working on the weekend to save our asses, something along those lines. I don’t actually see that, just you hoping for it. Maybe, if they do that.

Judgement:

Clarified by your person, or you if this is their situation, whoever isn’t being dominated by work issues right now is getting increasingly annoyed with being brushed aside in the priority chain. They want to hang out with friends, or you, going out together and having a good time. They want romance, passion, attention, and I don’t get a bad vibe from them either. They’ve been patient - Temperance, they know they have no control over what’s going on or what you have to do, but they’re going to let you know how they feel, the longer this continues. Queen of Cups is someone deeply in love, nurturing, kind, they’ve been patient, they’re just tired of being alone, and you come out with long hours, possibly late nights, they’re like “okay but what about…?” Them, what about them? Here we have a loving pair, in the preshuffle it was the passionate, exciting & ambitious pair, it’s a beautiful connection it’s just not the main priority right now. They may expect this Death regarding this situation with you, and you feel like there’s nothing you can do, you could be telling *them* you’re sorry you just can’t right now 🤷 You probably won’t have a lot of extra time, even if you do have the money. I do get you’ll be as ready to be done with this as they want you to be, you are on the same page…eventually 💯

Signs you may be dealing with:

Pisces, Scorpio, Virgo & Aries

Oracle: ✨

32 Struggle 🥴

Struggle is a part of life - so much so that you probably know people who seem to constantly attract one struggle after another into their lives. This is their comfort zone. While struggle is natural, it is natural only so far as it lends itself to learning lessons and overcoming inner personal challenges. Beneath every one of these struggles is the gift of enlightenment. The satisfaction of a lesson learned. Use this knowledge as the light at the end of your dark tunnel. What lesson is this struggle teaching you? Alternately, after a brief setback, this situation will start to right itself.

We enter into January as:

Rose Without Thorns 🌹:

“It is time to face my true feelings.”

You are most fortunate. As we mature, we learn that to enjoy the beauty of a rose, we must occasionally risk getting pricked by a thorn. You are not facing “the same situation”, this is the dawn of feelings being awakened and a new truth being born. You’re being presented with a different way to live. Trust you will know what to do. Stay open. Time changes us all if we’re lucky, it’s time to surrender and make the change. The best incentive to change is often love.

What is to be learned in January:

Salmon Chairs 🌷

“Come sit in my chair and feel my love”.

People, places and events are being drawn to you beyond your wildest imagination. Aim higher, for you will draw even greater experiences into your life. It is time to step up to the next level. All “things” are energy and will be drawn to you when you allow your energy to grow. The Salmon Chairs is being brought to you as a gift, to raise your faith and self esteem. It is a gentle and profound change in the way one relates to themselves, and the world. We create the life we feel we deserve. Often we feel we must do something to prepare, yet Salmon Chairs says “Stay in the light of truth, meditate, and relax - if you drink in the light and allow spiritual wealth, you will be surrounded by material wealth.” This is about subtle action, and receiving is an action. You are being told to sit still and receive the bounty that is coming to you. Salmon Chairs can also signify a love relationship in the wings, it’s your choice to receive it. It may also be a present relationship that’s moving to the next level, both spiritually and physically.

Salmon may be a lucky color 🩷

🍨 Happy Birthday Capricorn!!🧋

[realitycanbewhateveridesire]

Hi sorry I only just started seeing people talk about reality shifting and was curious? What does it mean to you? When did you choose this? What is a DR?

look, i'm like the worst person you could've asked cuz i never really researched stuff much. i'm just vibing with the community. also, i'm tired as fuck and unable to think, so take what i say with a grain of salt. like i said, i'm the worst person to ask cuz i'm just "fuck it, we ball".

DR is short for desired reality, which is the term used for the reality you want to shift to.

as you perhaps already know from stumbling upon shifters, reality shifting is about "shifting" to a different reality. or rather, shifting your awareness to said reality. obviously, there's also belief of countless realities existing alongside ours including the "fictional" universes of books, movies, etc. and the belief of one consciousness kinda, that any of our dr selves (a person you intend to shift as) and our cr (current reality) self is one. everything, everywhere, all at once style.

again like pls, just ask someone else cuz idk shit and can't explain stuff to save my life.

also in regards to shifting, i know many anti-shifters compare it to psychosis. and it may have to do with part of the community normalizing harmful behaviors, especially tiktok and the 2020 shifttok era (which is often kinda ridiculed in the shiftblr community). from my experience with shiftblr it's way less of that (which might be both due to the nature of both social media and/or just simply passage of time). but then again, i haven't seen every shifting account so i can't guarantee you that there isn't any.

many ppl also have this kinda weirdly "moralizing" stance about shifting being a potentially "harmful coping mechanism" inflencing "impressionable kids and minors". which i kinda don't understand why is reality shifting often singled out. there are many other potentially harmful coping mechanisms that are common but not focused on. also personally, i believe that cringe culture and kinda "outlandishness" of shifting makes it easier for haters who just wanna hate (i'm too tired to find a more eloquent term) to do so, cuz we're an easy target.

also personally, while it might be not very moral of me, but i don't care about it being "potentially harmful". like i said, there are many other things that can become harmful when taken to extreme. it's true of basically everything. shifting is no different. which is why, i don't see why is it being treated differently.

just to clarify, i also do not think of shifting as harmful if you have a healthy mindset (which not to be a hypocrite, i probably don't have).

personally, i heard of many ppl for whom shifting helped them in their darkest moments. and i must include myself in that group. it helped me through a tough time mentally.

kinda contradicting myself here, but for me it is a coping mechanism. i discovered and picked it up at like 14-15, but haven't been that much dedicated to it.

for me, it also allowed me to find a community and sense of belonging.

i also believe that others can believe or do anything, as long as it doesn't others. which is in majority the case with shifting. and i wish many ppl had this kind of approach and left our community alone, no matter how "nonsensical" our believes are to them.

sorry for this rant not making any sense.

[iraprince]

I draw significantly better on weed for some reason, I think its a combination of calming my shaky hands n helping with the confidence of my brush strokes. and its not good for my relationship with it. I keep it in check but its demotivating when I know I can skip over alot of the things holding me back with a drug, when I really should do it the hard way through practice. basically re: the other anon, I dont think substances improving your art is something you really want.

yeah, this is something that would be my concern for myself as well. (before i talk too much about it, i do want to clarify that i don't think the prev anon was really barking up this tree specifically! my mind immediately rambled toward maintaining a healthy practice re: recreational drug use bc that's something i'm particularly vigilant about, but anon's question was more about handling mindset in those situations, so tbh in my answer i was already veering off topic a bit).

but, on this topic — and as someone who jokes a LOT about frequent weed use i do think it's good from time to time to be frank about it — yeah, as much as things vary from person to person, i think a piece of advice i Do feel comfortable giving a little more universally is if u are ever in a position where u find urself feeling Bummed Out that you're sobering up, that's probably cause for concern and something worth examining/reevaluating. whether that's to do with specific activities or not it's just something it's good to be habitually alert about imo.

(veering to the side again but: anyone who will not shut up about how weed is ALWAYS 100% SAFE U CANT GET ADDICTED NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN EVER!!!! is being childish and irresponsible and u shouldn't listen to them. u can get addicted to fucking exercise. all habits are worth being thoughtful and intentional abt.)

also — and like based on ur phrasing i think ur already aware of this, i'm just making this note bc i'm a stickler for precise wording + potentially for the benefit of anyone who might read this and get something to think about — i would say i instinctively disagree w the concept that u "should" be doing things "the hard way." practice isn't better bc it's harder; and on the flip side that has nothing to do w why the combo of weed + art doesn't work for u, u know? it's not worse bc it's easier or bc it lets u "skip over" parts of the process; it doesn't work for u bc you've already figured out that the mindset it creates isn't healthy for u and u don't like the way it makes u feel, and that's reason enough on its own. idk, like i said i think ur already aware of that so i don't want this to come off like i'm Correcting u on how ur talking abt ur own exp, it was just something that popped up in my mind right away so i wanted to share the thought!

[elriell]

Some jumbled up thoughts about Elain, Lucien and Azriel + Mating Bonds

There have been a lot of conversations regarding this topic and I thought I’d flesh it out a bit myself, but these are facts/observations that as a fandom many have noticed, discussed, analysed. I just wanted to dive in myself fully.

I want to talk about each of them individually as well as, as a whole. Their emotions and mindsets, as someone who loves all three characters and wishes for all of them to get a happy ending. I will preface this with saying I will be discussing why it is very likely Elain will reject the bond and such things, so along the lines of Anti-Elucien. If you are a fan of them, thats cool, just skip this one if you happen upon it. 

We are going to dive in to the following;

Lucien & Elain  (their choices)

Lucien & Azriel  (contrast)

Rejecting the Bond

New Bonds

Fate & THE POV 

and why the writing is basically telling us everything we need to know...

Lucien 

Lucien is noble male, he has a good heart and has suffered his plenty, and this is why people want what is best for him, to be the happiest he can... Unfortunately I think that in this case Elain is not it. 

He is right to feel that way, just as Elain has a right to feel as she does. I think it is incredibly interesting that when we finally see from his POV we see that in a way he feels as though this has been thrust on them. 

That with his last love he had a choice and so did she.

It reminds me very much of this line about Rhysand’s parents, who were an example of an unhappy mating bond.

We will deep dive in to wrong matches further down, but the fact is that mated couples are not always indicators of true paired souls, that they very well could be the couple that do not end up happy together.

I speak on Elain and her agency a lot because I feel like a large portion of the fandom like to discard it as if it means nothing, and even judge her for it but if we actually take a look at Lucien’s behaviour he is not all that more happy.

There are some key differences between them though, Lucien as a male feels their bond to a different degree than she does, and he also has been raised to believe and respect the bond. And thus he feels a certain obligation to honour it in the best way he can. 

This doesn’t mean he thinks she is right for him, any further than his attraction to her (which like same dude same), he hasn’t displayed any signs that they actually aline as a couple. And I feel like SJM clearly highlights this when she sets examples of his gifts not being... well right for her. 

The gloves we know she never wears show us how little they know each other as she loves to get dirty [which Feyre had told him] and the pearl necklace is then contrasted by Azriels which was very personalised to Elain. 

(The rose, the secret beauty of it hitting the light etc...)

These are all deliberate moves by Sarah to showcase their misaligned bond.

And during Elain’s section I will also be pointing out some Lucien moments that really don’t read well for him. I genuinely believe he is much happier amongst the Band of Exhiles than he is when he is seen with The Inner Circus.

Elain

Here is the thing, this situation isn’t any easier on him that’s true but people need to respect Elains feelings, and the fact is she does not like him. Not only does she not like him but she shrinks in on herself, she looses all the progress and confidence she has made since the Cauldron. That is not a good sign of anything healthy.

If this is suppose to be a romance we root for why is she doing everything in her power to make it seem the opposite? If she genuinely was playing the long game she would have at least started to make them comfortable around each other, goodness they don’t even have to talk, but she does the opposite.

She emphasises that he brings out the bad in her. Again, no bueno. She quite simply does not want to be around him and with SJM’s writing I think this is highly deliberate on her part. 

[And let’s be clear there are countless quotes from the other books that do NOT reflect well on their relationship but I am trying to stick to ACOSF, as it is her most recent work, otherwise I would be here all day.] 

Rejecting the Bond

We have almost a two page discussion on why mating bonds are not an exact science, and that they can be more harmful than good. We are given two examples of it, with both Rhys’ and Tamlin’s parents. And then we get a very subtle hit at Azriel. This is all in the book Sarah said she began planting the seeds for the sisters journeys.

We also know from this there is a choice. But that many force it, because they feel it it right, (much like Lucien is probably doing right now, because he feels a duty and hope that it will work out.)  

Then we have the fact thrown at us that a lot of males believe that their mate belongs to them and will challenge the other male, which we now have a call back to with Rhys’ mentioning “The Blood Duel”. 

There is literally not one reason Sarah would put this in TWICE only for it never to happen or come close too happening. How anyone can question at this point that Elriel will happen is confusing to me, she has laid all the groundwork for it.

Now I don’t believe for a second that Lucien wouldn’t respect her choice, I think it will most certainly come down to Beron forcing his hand to wage the war we know he wants.

I think despite what Rhys said in Azriel’s POV under immense stress, TNC will protect Elain and ultimately stand by her decision. 

Not only does ACOSF spend a great deal of time creating a further divide between Elain & Lucien it also add a shockingly large quantity of easter eggs about “Elain choosing bonds” “Other Mate” “What if it chose wrong?” and again in this book like in ACOMAF we bring back up a failed mated pair to remind you of it’s existence.

All possible signs lean towards them breaking the bond.

And frankly from a storytelling perspective having three perfect bonds that are basically the same overarching love story (enemies to lovers) is boring, she would want to shake it up and throw a little curveball.

Lucien + Azriel  &  Why I think Azriel will have a bond with Elain.

“If anyone can sense if something is amiss, it’s a mate” And low and behold it is Azriel who figures out what was going on with her. Not to mention in the reveal SJM further displays that Lucien has no clue what was going on with her.

I don’t know what bridge holds their bond but I wouldn’t trust crossing it personally... :/

Further still, Lucien cannot hear her heart. Their bond is definitely not strong but you could also argue that is not an element of the bond at all but rather of her abilities perhaps. Since we know she could hear the sea too though it was nowhere close by.

But Azriel did hear her, he did pay attention and he figured out what was amiss. 

It is interesting to me that people took such issue with this when I believe very few have issues with Rhys or Cassian fighting for their respective partners. Now I have gone in to it in depth about how I think that this was pure emotion and illogical on Azriel’s part, and I don’t believe he would kill Lucien so carelessly.

I think it speaks to the same blind emotion a lot of them have displayed for their mates, Lucien may have wanted to see if she was worth it but Azriel knows she is worth the fight.

And for all intensive purposes in that moment he was willing to fight for someone he believes shares his feelings.

Now let’s tackle the whole “Possessive” crap.

First of all, all of the male pairings in this series have shown moments like this, so if it is bothering you here why isn’t it bothering you at other points?

Lucien has been just as instinctively possessive from their bond, and let me clarify, I am not shaming him for that anymore than anyone else. What I am pointing out is the double standard, if anything Azriel has more reason to feel like he can fight for her because she has actually shown him care, interest and attraction. 

They have actually bonded a lot more than she has with Lucien thus far.

And if they truly do have an upcoming bond then judging him on three paragraphs when we don’t know what the heck is going on is just ridiculous.

On the same note of that scene, let’s talk about “deserve”

First of all he never said he deserved her, Rhys implied that is what he was gleaning from the conversation and that it is just lust, which we know is not the case. Clearly Rhys perception is not accurate at all so to take his statement at face value and call it fact is a bit disingenuous.

Azriel wasn’t claiming he deserves her, did you read his POV at all?? He didn’t even feel like his hands should touch her let alone deserve her. Please go back and read that chapter again if you can’t see that.

Not to mention I think that the idea of FATE, and believing in hope even when the odds are stacked against you (AKA her having a mate) is actually very consistent with SJM storytelling and Az. Remember this;

The fact that he is hopeful despite the despair of his situation is exactly what people have valued about him. Not to mention after Rhys says this to Azriel he says to them;

So Rhys too believes they were brought in his family for a reason, some sort of fate.

Amren too thinks they are blessed by fate. Why is it so shocking and offensive that Azriel have a little hope that there is a reason they came in to their lives? Because he isn’t with your fav?

Let’s be honest he didn’t exactly get over Mor in ACOMAF, ACOWAR and then even ACOFAS there are slight moments, thats over a long period. Three sisters didn’t just arrive and he went TAG “I want one.”

No, he genuinely grew to care for Elain, and let go of his past, and in watching Elain not find any connection with her mate he saw it as a sign that the Cauldron was wrong, which we know it can be. 

I don’t know if people are selective readers but if you think that he doesn’t care for her as a person beyond being a “sister” I don’t know what to tell you, we are not reading the same books.

ANYWAYS back on topic.

I think Sarah has laid a lot of groundwork for her breaking the bond and perhaps choosing a new one. I know not everyone is keen on another bond as they feel her free will and choice is enough, that’s fair and I agree to a point. 

I just wanted to analyse the data at hand, and I do believe after ACOSF (I never thought it prior really) that they are mates in some capacity, whether that is because of the Cauldron or something that will occur... I think she has laid enough groundwork for them being Soulmates at the least. Hence why I love the idea of a Carranam bond.

There are so many parallels between Rhys, Cassian & Az that could be taken as little signs but honestly this is long enough I am sure you all want to kill me already for making you read all that hahaha 

One last little morsel, it very well might be nothing but Az shouting after they take Elain is an interesting choice, it’s ambiguous enough that you can take it to mean the pain but it could also be another little crumb.

Basically with all said and done I think she will give Elain her agency back and break it.

And potentially something will occur with Azriel as a result but thats certainly more grey than the rest of it.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk!

Obviously, to each their own opinion, have fun and ship whatever you want these are just my thoughts on the text at hand!

(Also I am sorry I got like 20+ messages to get to in my inbox, yeah I kinda ignored everyone and worked on this today, sorry!!! I’ll be back tomorrow)

[the-courage-to-heal]

How Black and White Thinking Hurts You

(and What You Can Do to Change It)

Black and white thinking is the tendency to think in extremes: I am a brilliant success, or I am an utter failure. My boyfriend is an angel, or He’s the devil incarnate. This thought pattern, which the American Psychological Association also calls dichotomous or polarized thinking, is considered a cognitive distortion because it keeps us from seeing the world as it often is: complex, nuanced, and full of all the shades in between.

An all-or-nothing mindset doesn’t allow us to find the middle ground. And let’s face it: There’s a reason most people don’t live on Everest or in the Mariana Trench. It’s hard to sustain life at those extremes. Most of us engage in dichotomous thinking from time to time. In fact, some experts think this pattern may have its origins in human survival — our fight or flight response. But if thinking in black and white becomes a habit, it can:

• hurt your physical and mental health

• sabotage your career

• cause disruption in your relationships

(Note: There is conversation in the sexual health and mental health fields about NOT referring to dichotomous or polarized thinking in terms of ‘black and white thinking’ as it could be interpreted as referring color and race. More often, professionals refer to it as extremes or polarizations.)

Here, we discuss:

• how to recognize polarized thoughts

• what they could be telling you about your health

• what you can do to develop a more balanced outlook

Certain words can alert you that your thoughts are becoming extreme.

• always

• never

• impossible

• disaster

• furious

• ruined

• perfect

Of course, these words aren’t bad in themselves. However, if you notice that they keep coming up in your thoughts and conversations, it could be a signal that you’ve adopted a black and white perspective on something.

Relationships happen between individuals, whether they see each other as family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, or something else entirely. And because people have ups and downs (to phrase it dichotomously), plus quirks and inconsistencies, conflicts inevitably arise. If we approach normal conflicts with dichotomous thinking, we’ll probably draw the wrong conclusions about other people, and we’ll miss opportunities to negotiate and compromise. Worse still, black and white thinking can cause a person to make decisions without thinking about the impact of that decision on themselves and others involved. Examples include:

• suddenly moving people from the “good person” category to the “bad person” category

• quitting a job or firing people

• breaking up a relationship

• avoiding genuine resolution of the issues

• Dichotomous thinking often shifts between idealizing and devaluing others. Being in a relationship with someone who thinks in extremes can be really difficult because of the repeated cycles of emotional upheaval.

Black and white thinking can also cause people to:

• look at certain foods as good or bad

• look at their own bodies as either perfect or revolting

• eat in binge-purge, all-or-nothing cycles

Researchers have also found that dichotomous thinking can lead people to create rigid dietary restraints, which can make it hard to maintain a healthy relationship with food.

How can you change black and white thinking?

Black and white thinking can really make things difficult for you personally and professionally, and has been linked to mental health conditions that are treatable.

For these reasons, it’s important to talk to a psychotherapist or mental health professional if you notice that thinking in extremes is affecting your health, relationships, or mood.

You may want to work with someone who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapyTrusted Source, because it has been proven effective in dealing with dichotomous thinking.

You may also find it helpful to try some of these methods:

Try to separate what you do from who you are. When we equate our performance on a single metric with our overall worth, we’re going to become vulnerable to black and white thinking.

Try listing options. If black and white thinking has you locked into only two outcomes or possibilities, as an exercise, write down as many other options as you can imagine. If you’re having trouble getting started, try coming up with three alternatives at first.

Practice reality reminders. When you feel paralyzed by black and white thinking, say or write small factual statements, like There are several ways I can solve this problem, I’ll make a better decision if I take time to get more information, and Both of us may be partially right.

Find out what other people think. Black and white thinking can keep you from seeing things from someone else’s perspective. When you’re in conflict with someone, calmly ask clarifying questions so you can come to a clear understanding of their viewpoint.

The bottom line

Black and white thinking is a tendency to think in extremes. While it’s normal from time to time, developing a pattern of dichotomous thinking can interfere with your health, relationships, and career. It’s associated with anxiety, depression, and a number of personality disorders, so if you find yourself hampered by thinking in black and white, it’s important to talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you to learn some strategies to gradually change this thought pattern and live a healthier and more fulfilling life.

[calswildflcwer]

Hi hello, I saw your and @samiiika reblogs and wanna say smth! (I don’t reblog to answer much, that’s why I’m sending an ask! Sowwy tho)

SO! Abuelas/ Latinas grandmothers are rlly prideful HDUSBDUS they RARELY say sorry. And when they do is a shock. Not saying it’s correct or healthy, just saying how the culture created and shaped them.

Anyway, IMO the finale was just a glimpse of that, the beginning of healing. Abuela apologized and they immediately moved on to fix casita (bc damn they do need a house), but I don’t think it was a “oh ok, sorry. Now bye” thing. Alma apologizing is already a HUGE step for her (even is small for us and in the bigger picture), showing she is actually sorry and not just “ay, ok ok, happy now?”, but during the movie A LOT was happening so I think they just didn’t had the time or mindset to think and dig much on the matter, they appreciated it at the time and moved on to reconstructing Casita, which took weeks/ a month (since the whole ass town helped lol)

We all know it isn’t enough tho. It isn’t with a sorry that you break years of trauma, insecurity and anxiety. And it isn’t with a sudden realization/ shock of reality that change old habits and fixed mindsets (caused by her own traumas too, a horrible coping mechanism she created). So that’s why I think it was just a glimpse, bc there’s no way they’d be able to show all the healing and stuff at the finale. I bet during the rebuild of Casita and even after that is where the true healing happened. If there’s a series or a sequel they might show that or smth, like, in the conceptual art there’s a scene with Bruno and Alma talking it out in a bench, with Bruno talking his frustrations (by his expression) and Alma silently listening and apologizing again, hugging him. The old saying “you gotta cure your wounds bc it might bleed on other people” apply here and she realized that, and will try to do better.

In short: I don’t condemn her actions, but I do understand her pain and trauma. I like Abuela bc she’s a complicated character, but hate and disapprove her actions. And healing takes time and the movie got a lot of scenes cut bc time in animation movies is shitty and always gotta stick to 1h20min. (Fuck you d1sney)

I’m so sorry this got so long omg Imma bury myself, bye. *runs away and hides forever*

Ahhh, that makes sense. Sorry, love. I didn’t mean to disrespect or anything, ya know. It’s just that leading up to the apology, Abuela kinda reminded me of my mother and I wouldn’t have forgiven my mother with just an apology yanno? (I say leading up to the apology because my mother never apologised 🙄 and I ended up cutting her outta my life - But that’s a story for a different day) but yeah, I totally get not having time to see the actual making up and forgiving. But really, I meant no disrespect at all and I’m sorry if it seemed that way 🥺

Thank you for letting me know though and for clarifying. But what you said really does make sense and like really does make me realise that more probably happened during the rebuild than what we actually saw.

No need to run and hide, hun! You were just helping us to understand better and that’s okay, don’t worry! I still love youuu 💖

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

I mean in Leonardo's route he mentions Comte used to be a smoker! AND, it's heavily implied Comte used to be a wild child so!

Comte spoilers below, please don’t open if you’d prefer to wait to find out! I know I’m 100% feral for Comte but I don’t want to diminish anyone else’s experience~

Yes, there are indications that he once engaged in smoking, and was implied to be even worse than Leonardo (a chainsmoker of epic proportions, so to speak). As for whether or not Comte was a wild child, I have no way to confirm that with the current information that Cybird has provided, but there are heavy allusions to him going off the rails (at least for a vampire of noble blood). There are several mentions–if I recall correctly he states it himself–that he’s been running from his legacy for a very long time, and only recently settled down and took up the full weight of his aristocratic title. Unfortunately we don’t know much more than that. But I wouldn’t be surprised, he wandered quite a bit around Europe before turning the men of the mansion. In the few glimpses into his backstory we receive there is also plenty of fuel for a so-called teenage or adolescent vampire rebellious phase. Both he and Leonardo have a profound compassion for other people/creatures, and vehemently reject the social hierarchy/power dynamics that other purebloods seem to want to enforce. 

Among the few scenes I have seen that can testify to his more wild behavior is an event that is likely headed to the english app very soon. There was a story event that featured the suitors–as a pair–enjoying a drink and often reminiscing about the past. Comte and Leonardo are seated at a bar, and they’re drinking their own weight in alcohol and bewildering nearby patrons. Leonardo asks if Comte remembers when it was that they became good friends, and Comte is all “I have no idea what you’re talking abt MORE BOURBON.” Spoilers: he likely knows, or at least has an inkling, and doesn’t want to remember his own punk ass going feral. Anywho, Leonardo goes into it anyway, and describes a situation in which he and Comte attended some kind of social event. Upon exiting the venue, they see/hear a young woman being assaulted in an alley by several men. Now, Leonardo is already cracking his knuckles, excited to unleash a can of whoop ass–but Comte actually beats him to it. He goes stone cold and starts knocking out the people hurting her, asking them how they like being on the receiving end of violence. He then gingerly lifts the young lady and asks Leonardo to get the carriage, since it’s raining out and he would hate for her to catch a cold. This is the moment in which Leonardo learns that–for all of Comte’s adherence to his noble title’s customs–all of that ceases to matter when somebody is in need of his help. And that’s why they became friends; because all of Comte’s money, all of his prestige and social recognition doesn’t mean shit to him. He would give it up in seconds if it meant doing the right thing. His principles and his convictions outweigh any of his perceived materiality, no matter how he conducts himself or seems to others.

One of the greater issues Comte seems to struggle with–and could very possibly have been the reason he distanced himself from his own family–is the way that vampires drop humans like flies. Even if they aren’t engaging in a predatory relationship, in some ways humans are deemed expendable regardless. He had the privilege of being born into a family that treats human beings with respect and perhaps even affection, but every single one of his teachers, caretakers, and the servants in the house he grew up with were fired long before he became an adult. But he was just old enough to understand why they left, and it crushed him. Getting too close was deemed dangerous, for both parties; it would hurt the purebloods more to leave somebody they were attached too, and the humans in their employ would grow suspicious/fearful, perhaps even violent, if they noticed that they didn’t age. But like Leonardo, Comte loves the company of all kinds of people, and to be forced to cut ties for the sake of his own emotional and physical health was shattering for him (death is impossible as far as we know, but that doesn’t make vampires impervious to pain).

I think he spent a very long time rejecting that mindset, until he started to live life on his own and saw how difficult it was. To love people fully, and watch their lives end what felt like hours later. Over and over and over again. Four hundred years is a long time to love and lose people, and while it can be easy to believe that all grieving really requires is letting go, such a thing is much easier said than done. Leonardo wrestles with it just as much as Comte does; the only reason Comte fairs a little better is because he exercises considerable restraint. He’s been burned before, and he’s edging the flames more carefully now. Even so, we see several moments in which this self-control collapses; he will never stand in the way of MC’s happiness with someone else–but the attraction is always simmering beneath the surface, never fully realized. Literally the entire crux of his own route is that he’s trying, trying desperately not to just move where is heart is taking him, but failing anyway because MC has the courage to meet him halfway–wants to meet him halfway, despite their differences. 

One of the hardest things Comte is probably forced to contend with is that, no matter how vehemently he feels that his family was wrong, life proves that in some regards they were right. It is extremely difficult to engage in the kind of life they live without a modicum of self-restraint, or at the very some kind of healthy grieving process. Eternity isn’t going to wait for them to feel better, life isn’t going to stop taking the people they love just because they were born under different circumstances, or are another species altogether. Life doesn’t have any mercy, in that regard, and so they must be merciful and understanding with themselves. In the course of his lifetime he’s forgotten how to be gentle with himself, and he’s forgotten how to look forward to each day to come. For better or worse, his answer to the pain of forever was to shut himself down as swiftly and powerfully as he could to stop the growing whirpool of poorly resolved grief, or perhaps better described as melancholia. He was able to survive the first downspiral, but that doesn’t mean he’s confident he’ll survive another. And survival doesn’t necessarily entail living well, it means doing what you must to forge on–no matter how much it hurts.

(I will say that I can clarify what I mean by the specific term melancholia, because I don’t mean it in the colloquial sense. But I’ll give the disclaimer here for the sake of sparing everyone a technical argument they might not care about lol keep reading after the dashes for the conclusion)

—

Essentially, Freud contends that people process grief in two distinct ways, as I will loosely summarize. Mourning is the reaction to some kind of loss (whether a person, a concept, an opportunity, etc.) that inspires a short-term level of discomfort and unhappiness. Most people heal on their own over time, and it’s something that most people have experienced before. Melancholia, on the other hand, is more or less mourning that has never ended. It is described as a prolonged state of dejection in which all the color in life has dissolved and left, in which one’s self-regard often diminishes (not usually a side effect of mourning, but specific to melancholia) and they lose their will to go on slowly but surely.

In Comte’s route he literally says that MC eases the void in his heart, makes him look forward to every single day; that “his time” starts moving again. That the reason he reciprocated her feelings at all instead of stifling them was because he just fell into the comfort and joy of her presence, couldn’t help himself in wanting to see and talk to her. He describes her love as an irresistible “magic,” something with the capacity to transfigure the fragments of his experience into a de facto life.

Sound familiar?

—

And that’s the whole point, that’s what we as the player are here to do. We’re supposed to help him find the magic in the little things again, hope for better again. Make it so that when he does open his heart and lets himself feel freely again, anguish isn’t the only thing that finds him. We’re supposed to help him stop living in the hellscape of anxiety that he’s been forcing into silence, a depression so wide and deep it’s a wonder he never went mad. 

So uh, this kind of became ridiculously meta, but that’s why I love Comte? And that’s as much as I know about him, as of now. Hoping for more details in the jpn app in the future! I know I got a little sidetracked, do forgive me–I get really in it when I discuss Comte LOL

[beevean]

Spinel and the Diamonds

because no it’s been almost a week and I’m still not over the SU movie help me

The ending of the movie, with Spinel getting happily adopted by the Diamonds, feels a little too neat of a conclusion, and it comes with sad implications - are they using each other as replacement goldfish? Would they have a healthy relationship? Why hasn’t Spinel stayed on Earth?

I can agree that the end felt slightly too “fast” and convenient, but I, as I like to do, over-thought about it, and tried to understand why the movie felt the need to conclude Spinel’s and the Diamonds’ subplot like that.

Has it ever happened to you, that you looked back to how you were two, three, five years ago, realized you are a much different person now, a better one, and that the people who knew “you” knew a different version of you and that distorts the perception of the new you? So you think it’s a better idea to cut the bridges and start anew with people who have no idea of who you are and were? People who ended school on a slightly sour note and went to college in another place might understand what I mean.

This is what happened with Spinel. It’s made very clear that she doesn’t like herself - she talks with scorn and resentment about her “younger” self, the one who was so eager to please Pink that she wasted 6000 years of her life*, but she’s also ashamed of her “new” self, asking multiple times “who would want me like this?” and even crying that if before she wasn’t good enough for Pink, now she’s no good at all. Understandable, as her first actions after leaving the Garden were to find a giant injector filled with poison, go on Earth and viciously attack Steven and the CGs out of jealousy. This was their first impression of Spinel: a madwoman singing how swell it was to beat Pink’s friends and with plans to destroy the Earth. Of course she feels like she’d forever be the odd one if she stuck around, maybe she even feels like they would never truly forgive her.

Now, we know Steven is no stranger to include former enemies in his friends circle - the movie itself jokes about Bismuth’s, Lapis’ and Peridot’s “turnarounds”. But Spinel’s has such a little sense of self-worth, she probably couldn’t handle to form her own small circle of acquaintances in a corner of Little Homeworld. We see her looking with teary eyes at Steven going to greet the CGs after everything is over: she’ll always be the fifth wheel in her mind, and being the fifth wheel is still a deep trigger for her.

This is why Spinel is overjoyed at the idea of going to live with the Diamonds. They knew that she existed, sure, but only vaguely (you can bet your ass that otherwise Blue would have busted in the Garden to rescue Spinel and put her along with the bubbled Rose Quartzes) - they don’t really remember how she was thousands of years ago, and they don’t know what she had tried to do to the Earth. They were instantly smitten with her, and ready to shower her with love for who she was. ... and who she represented, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

So what about the Diamonds themselves? Now, I’d never dare to say that Steven dismantling Homeworld was a bad idea - HW was an awful system and it deserved to be destroyed. But it left the Diamonds lost and without purpose, and we know there’s nothing worse for a Gem than to feel purposeless, even more so for the Diamonds. It’s no wonder they cling to Steven: not only he’s what’s little is left of Pink, as much as he reminds them many times that he’s not her, but he’s also their new guide, the only one who could make sense of their new existence.

There’s also an important fact: Steven is trying to teach the Diamonds how to be better people. They still have... a long way to go, but they’re putting the effort at the very least. This likely means that by this point, all three of them are aware that they had treated Pink like shit, maybe know what exactly they did wrong, and regret that it’s too late for them to apologize to her.

Enter Spinel. She’s just like the Pink they remembered: small, pink, cute, playful, funny, and in need of love. Like her, Spinel was abandoned and made feel like she was unloved - and ironically, it was Pink herself who did that to her, and we can speculate the other Diamonds are indirectly responsible for Pink’s callous behavior.

The Diamond can’t apologize to Pink anymore. Steven isn’t willing to indulge their needs, because, unlike what some crits think, Steven isn’t buddy-buddy with them - he’s cordial, and willing to help them, but the show and the movie have made quite clear that he doesn’t like them that much. But Spinel is a small Gem who was wronged by all the Diamonds and is in a desperate need of a new place to live, so the Diamonds can start anew with her, and give her all the love they didn’t know how to give to Pink. They can learn how to be even better people with her, with a person who’s willing to love them.

Now, with all this said, I am a bit afraid that the four of them would fall into a co-dependent relationship. Their needs click together like a puzzle, but this is the problem. Would they push each other to improve themselves? Can the Diamonds teach Spinel to be less afraid of being left on her own? Can Spinel teach the Diamonds to be less attached to Pink’s memory? I don’t know. Maybe this is where Steven can help, because no matter who you are, Steven is more than willing to teach you the amazing power of change, as long as you accept it.

I hope we see them in the future, even just an episode. The Diamonds have all the potential to break free of their toxic mindset, and most importantly Spinel deserves to be happy.

*related to this, I’ve seen people talk as if Pink placed a Geas on Spinel in the same way she did on Pearl. This is also something that was brought up when Now We’re Only Falling Apart aired, with people “realizing” that Pink forbid Garnet from ever asking questions with her great Diamond powers. It’s been confirmed that Pink could only place such a compelling “spell” on her Pearl, as she was her personal servant and as Pearls are more “robotic” than other Gems. This means that Spinel could have left any time, which just adds yet another layer of humiliation and frustration on her ordeal. Just to clarify

[nedeljkovicsaysno]

*TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS*

This clip broke my heart and hit home in 25 different ways from Saturday.

God. He’s paying so much attention to her. People with eating disorders have an eccentric mindset. It’s like we’re trying to pull sleight of hand: we want you to think we are eating, and fine, and healthy, but we’re also constantly drawing attention to our unhealthy obsession with food — often without even meaning to — so this negates all the work we put in to make you think we’re normal. We play with our food, break it up on our plate and move it around constantly, mash it up so it looks like we ate more than we did. “I’m not hungry.” “I already ate.” “This is so good but my stomach hurts.” Excuses, excuses, excuses.

He means so well. He does. But when I was in the midst of my eating disorder — no desire to change, consumed with my weight loss, enmeshed in the complicated superiority complex of anorexia — I would either deflect (“oh yeah, I guess I’ve lost some weight, I’ve just been trying to eat healthy and work out more!” “Really? I don’t think I’ve lost any weight.” “I know, I’m probably too thin, I’ve been stressed because of work/school/etc and it’s been hard for me to eat regularly”) or bite your HEAD off if you called me out on it, depending on the mood. I didn’t want to hear it. I subconsciously knew something was wrong with my mindset, but I’d normalized it for so long that I could ignore it.

Again he means well...but this isn’t usually the way to go about it. To clarify, it’s definitely fine to go to others for help, especially after trying to talk to the person you believe to be struggling, but to be approached about this when we aren’t ready/don’t want to hear it, it’s likely we’ll react the way Daphne is. People with eating disorders have to actively want to get help to recover. I was down to 107 lbs (I’m 5’9 & 1/2 — my BMI was something like 15.8, severely underweight) and in constant pain before I even considered that something had to change. My doctor wanted to admit me for inpatient treatment. I refused. I weight restored slowly, slowly, slowly on my own (and with regular check-ins) and it took me close to two years. My mindset had not changed enough to make a true difference; I was back to a healthy weight, I was always at risk of relapse. When I went to eating disorder-centered therapy my counselor was shocked at how long I’d made it without speaking to someone (in early university I’d tried; the therapist was horrendous and made things worse). This counselor changed my life. I owe much of my mental freedom to her.

This got quite long and personal but bottom line is this: if you are struggling with an eating disorder/disordered eating/any sort of harmful thoughts around food, please feel free to inbox me. I have been in recovery for many years and I consider myself as close to healed as I will ever get, so I am happy to relay the things that helped me. I recognize that my ED will always be a part of me but by now I know my own voice and I know the voice of my eating disorder (Ana; sometimes Ed). They are hateful things that cause nothing but destruction. I cannot work closely with eating disorders because they are too triggering, but I can listen, and I will do my best to help. I have been there. You are not alone.

[seyaryminamoto]

Thank you for your blatant answer. I would not write sex realistically too because it is much better that way sadly. I thought since it is important for you to make everything and relationships real in Gladiator.

Well, what I try to do isn't quite “realistic” in the usual sense of the word... what I focus on is developing the relationship and characters as believably as I possibly can, so their growth and development brings them to where they are now :’D Nothing quite screams top-tier couple as taking a spicy ramen challenge together (?) But anyways, I try to keep characters IC within the development I’ve given them, which means that yes, they change and may eventually act and react differently to certain things than how they acted and reacted in canon, but as long as that change follows the growth I’ve given them up to date, I’ll be satisfied.

Believability and realism aren’t the same thing, I’ve mentioned it many times in this blog, and what really concerns fiction is believability. I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would likely accuse me of writing excessively idealistic relationships, impossible and unattainable in real life... and frankly? *shrug* There’s a lot of worse things I could be writing, in all likelihood :’D if anything, I’d think people could/should look to genuinely healthy relationships in fiction as examples to follow rather than instinctively scoffing at them for being impossible. Whether what I write is 100% healthy or not, well, it’s not up to me to decide that. But the idea that romance in fiction “should only be realistic because otherwise it creates expectations you can’t find in real life” only ends up feeding into some messed up belief that toxicity or mediocrity are the norm in real life romantic relationships... and that’s just an awful mindset to have. Feels to me that if that’s how someone perceives romance, they’re probably better off not getting involved with anyone at all, both for their sake and the other person @_@ it hints at more problems with the person who’s spouting that kind of belief than with the content they’re complaining about, in the case of healthy stuff. Because yeah, I’ll clarify that if someone criticizes toxic relationships because they’re teaching awful things to young people, it’s a more acceptable complaint... though I’m not of the mindset that it’s fiction’s job to educate anyone on what acceptable behavior should be, despite yes, it can have a strong influence on people’s morals and values. Fiction and reality are entirely different things, and people do need to distiguish between both things, especially when dealing with serious subjects in fiction that they blindly assume means an author is “condoning” a certain kind of behavior/belief/ideology/insert anything here, when merely exploring specific themes in fiction isn’t the same as supporting them.

Aaaanyways, big digression :’D Gladiator’s relationships are crazy and diverse and sometimes complicated, why lie? But I can’t see any benefit to writing them “realistically” if that means featuring unpleasant clashing between characters, such as with arguments where people stubbornly refuse to listen to each other, that won’t promote growth (whether at the time of the conflict, or through the conflict’s consequences), enhance characterization or deepen the emotional bond between the characters. When I feature genuine strife and conflict between characters it usually has something to do with the plot or it serves a purpose for character growth. Doing it gratuitously because it’s “realistic” honestly only harms stories for me, and when done in excess, it even makes me question why I’m reading the story, or why I’m supporting the relationship in question... :’D

And the same logic applies to the sex scenes. I can’t say I know why we’d need realism in those regards when what this so-called realism entails is merely not making the characters so happy, or not writing them in synch with each other, or making up some sort of melancholic distance between the characters as postmodernist writing would have it... .___. honestly, I can’t see why I’d want to write that. I really can’t. I didn’t particularly enjoy reading it in school xD I see no purpose in emulating that writing style.

So, yes, smut that gives unrealistic expectations about sex is where it’s at for me. And it’s where my brain will stay, as far as I can tell :’D

[evakuality]

Even and David comparison, season three, episode five.  You can find the other comparisons in this series starting over here, and the Isak and Matteo versions starting here.

I’ve been procrastinating on this one a bit simply because these next few episodes are so difficult emotionally.  They were hard when it was Isak and Matteo and they’re even harder with Even and David.  These boys really take a dive at this point, from some giddy heights to some very hard lows.  There is a lot to be said about their own internal thought processes here, and I’ll try to do a bit with them, but I will try to limit myself to things that are likely based on other things we know about both characters.

The most interesting thing about the start of these episodes, of course, is the difference in how Even and David deal with discussing their issues.  Even is so jaded about it, which makes sense given his experiences.  To him, becoming fatalistic is just part of growing up (“I forgot how young you are”) rather than actually understanding that it’s a reaction to the trauma that he’s experienced.  To Even, Isak doesn’t have the dark swirling thoughts, the fear of being alone with his brain etc the way Even does not because that’s actually a perfectly reasonable and healthy mindset, but because he’s too young to have got there yet.  There’s an assumption that it will come eventually.  Even’s protective method for himself is to live life to the fullest while you can, grabbing every opportunity when it arises and deal with the consequences later.  Life is short, the only way out is death and therefore he goes after beauty and love when he can.  He’s going to get what he can out of his life.  He only runs away when something hits too close.  

David, on the other hand, has a firm plan worked out.  He’s not going to put down any sort of tie if he can help it and if anything happens that threatens him again he’s going to run.  He’s very explicit about this.  “I run.  Hide.  Then I wait.”  And he’s explicit about doing it alone.  His definition of ‘alone’ is interesting, though.  To him, being alone is being away from your family.  Therefore his ‘hiding’ was always likely to happen with another person, just one that he sees as his family (and we will get there, but his suggestion that Matteo come with him when he runs in episode 9 reflects this: by that time, Matteo is his family).  He believes that Matteo, living in a shared apartment, is actually living alone.  It’s quite different to how Even reacts to Eskild, who he does see as sort of Isak’s family (after he clarifies that it’s not sexual).  We don’t know much about David’s family except Laura, but we can already see that those bonds are very important to him.  Even’s family remains a mystery, so it’s safe to assume he doesn’t have the same sense of need around them.  Which makes sense; the things both boys are struggling with are different.

These two boys are both desperate for control of their own lives, but it comes out in such different ways.  Even wants to grasp everything, do everything, and chooses to retreat only when his secret is threatened.  In some ways, David feels this too, but his secret is threatened much more often and is more easily exposed.  That’s probably why his need to be in control of his own life and story is so much more rigid.  Or rigid in a different way.  Even masterminds an image and projects it, but even here where he’s letting his guard down a little he still has the need to be in control.  It’s just that his control is to minimise his experiences and what they mean, and suggest that everyone will feel this way when they grow up a bit.  David’s rigidity is around the way he lives day to day, and his ability to remain aloof from everyone to enable a swift departure when he needs to again, the need for ‘free will’.  He stays small, hopes to be unnoticed.  This conversation with Matteo is probably more threatening to him than Even’s is with Isak.  Because David is opening up, being seen and known.  He’s laying down a connection, one he desperately wants and needs, but one that drags his secret much closer to the light.

What’s really interesting is that in this first cuddle clip we never see Even ‘alone with his thoughts’ because Isak is awake for the entire thing, whereas David is shown in his own head for quite a while at the beginning with Matteo cuddled up into him.  This puts both of them into different headspaces and makes a lot of sense of the reasons why Even, who is so obsessed with how difficult being alone in your own head is, doesn’t actually get sucked in too deeply in this bit.  David, who doesn’t have those hangups, is however put in a place where he has to think about everything this might mean for him.  Even so, the tone of the Skam clip is very different to the Druck one.  While both deep conversations are serious and both Even and David are very open about their issues there, the surrounding stuff is different and shows up the differences in their personalities.  Even and Isak, when they aren’t talking about serious stuff are either kissing or just as seriously talking about random entertainment stuff (Nicholas Cage or making movies about boys with drops of water in their throats).  David and Matteo, on the other hand, are wrestling, biting, shoving, being total idiots as well as some kissing etc.  There’s a lightness there that isn’t the same as with Even and Isak.  This all makes sense for our boys.  Even has wanted this for such a long time that he’s revelling in being able to touch and hold Isak and keeps him close to enjoy that, whereas David has fallen into this thing the same way Matteo has.  They’re both young and silly and overwhelmed and so this stuff is natural to them (and also, this characterised their time the day before even though we didn’t see that yet; they mess around and do stupid stuff together and that’s part of who they are).  The connections they built over the previous weeks helps here, too.  They’ve had a lot more one on one time than Even and Isak have and so David is more used to being like this with Matteo.

The ending of the clips shows the differences too.  Isak and Even are interrupted by Eskild which shows Isak’s ‘fears’ of being caught, but it’s over quickly without the secret being exposed, but then the intrusion from Sonja is bigger because the threat to their togetherness that she represents is more real.  David and Matteo are interrupted by both Sara and Leonie (presumably they have been together and decide to contact the boys together), and so there’s much more of a sense of ‘we’re in this together’ as the moment is more secure for both.  Isak has reason to believe still that Even is messing around with him because of Sonja, but Matteo isn’t in the same boat, despite his own connection to Sara.  Even’s ‘I’m so fucked’ becomes David’s ‘we’re so fucked’ and his ‘can I stay in here with you?’ becomes ‘we’re staying here’ and so there’s a much surer sense of togetherness.  Obviously, David needs this at this point.  He’s been the one who’s more reticent about it all and so he needs that reassurance that Matteo is part of it the same way he is.  Even wasn’t likely to back off at this point, having finally managed to get what he wants.  David still has some big decisions to make about how, when or if to tell Matteo he’s trans.  If this is to work for him, he needs that closer sense of togetherness and companionship.

Both Even and David leave a picture behind for their boy when they leave the next day, but Even’s is much less specific than David’s.  Even’s suggests connection and refers to the parallel universe.  It’s a little melancholy, but displays a desire to be together if the universes align.  David’s again makes it clear that he would leave Matteo behind, but he would take with him something that reminds him of Matteo.  It’s a start, but it reinforces (in a way that Even’s talk and picture don’t) that David still plans to be alone.  If ‘disaster’ strikes, he still isn’t sure enough of what’s happening to really let Matteo in, and this becomes very important at the end of the episode.  While Even tries to draw Isak closer with this picture, David is still keeping Matteo at arm’s length.

Having said that, Even then goes mia for a while and Isak has to try to hunt him down.  David sends coordinates and is the one to make a connection with Matteo.  I get the feeling that he was considering what to say to Matteo here, and whether to tell him, but things got a bit too real for him when Matteo told him he finished things with Sara for him.  When they were in Matteo’s bedroom it was still a fantasy and sara was still there as a buffer.  Even pulls back here at a moment when Isak makes a comment that cuts him to his core when he had been all-in, whereas David is suddenly confronted with a Matteo who is clearly all-in himself and who wants a real relationship.  For Even, the knowledge that Isak doesn’t want people like him in his life is devastating but he holds it together and gets out of the situation as gracefully as he can.  David doesn’t hear anything like that, in fact what he gets is the opposite but it’s just as terrifying for him.  He has to decide whether to open up or whether to try to hide again.  We see effectively the moment that he decides he has to hide and pushes Matteo away but like Isak, Matteo doesn’t realise this is what’s happening because like Even, David hides the way he’s feeling.  It’s easy to tell that something is up, but Matteo doesn’t really pick up on how serious it is.  

That’s partly because Matteo is so head over heels, and so deeply into the way he feels, that he can’t really see the different places the two of them are at.  But it’s also at least partly because The last two times he’s spent with David have been characterised by a lot of fun and silliness and a lot of bonding behaviour.  They’ve spent literal hours together over this week and David has definitely made it seem like he’s as into this as Matteo is.  Of course, that’s actually true.  David is into this, but the problem is that those moments that seemed like a growing budding connection to Matteo are filled with one major road block for David.  The closer they get to each other, the less secure that secret becomes and the more likely he is to feel like he needs to run.  By now they’re very close, Matteo is making it very obvious how open he wants to be and David feels backed into a decision.  His picture was a major clue that he’s not ready to be that open, but everything he’s done is opaque enough that there’s no reason for Matteo to pick up on it.  

Even, too, makes something of a snap decision and in a closer look we can also see with him when that decision happens.  His reasons are very different, but the effect is just as devastating (for him and for Isak).  They both feel a need to protect themselves and they both indulge their own tendency to pull back.  For Even, this must be worse tbh.  After the weekend, he would have been giddy.  The boy he’s been into for so long kissed him and spent a lot of time with him.  It felt like they were at the start of something big and exciting.  He then speaks to Sonja, tells her about Isak and then goes to him.  It seems like things are really about to start, there’s so much promise.  And then Isak says he’s better without the mentally ill in his life and Even’s world crashes around him.  To David, the promise of a new start is the terrifying thing, but to Even, the terrifying thing is the knowledge that he is or could be unwelcome in Isak’s life.  The boy he’s been so connected with, the boy he broke up with his girlfriend for, will reject him once he knows the truth.  While David runs because everything becomes too real and too likely and too much, Even runs because everything he finally thought he was getting was smashed to pieces and what had seemed to be real and promising turned to dust.

That affects how they each deal with Isak and Matteo as the episode comes to an end.  Even sends a text that things are going ‘too fast’ and then goes back to Sonja.  As much as he doesn’t want to be with her anymore, she knows about his mental illness and she hasn’t pushed him away.  He obviously leaves things open with Isak by saying he needs time, which suggests he hasn’t entirely closed the door.  Even so, he goes back to Sonja and the soft comfort of her understanding.  It’s not what he wants but it’s safe.  David sends effectively the same text with the addition of ‘don’t be angry’ but instead of being the nice final thing it was for Isak, Matteo comes to his home.  There’s no girlfriend for David to shield his feelings behind, and Matteo is once again making it very plain that he’s going to do what it takes to be with David.  He’s made his decision, sent his text, but Matteo isn’t sticking to the script so he sends another message in a panic.  This one is as harsh as David can make it because he needs to push Matteo away.  Again, he’s left in no doubt as to Matteo’s intentions, and again it’s too close for comfort.  So he does what he needs to in order to be safe, even though it’s not what he wants.  They both leave the door open, but Isak doesn’t step through yet.  Matteo does and it’s so scary for David how fast that happens that he immediately lashes out.

So there we have it.  By the time the episode comes to an end both Even and David have retreated into a safe space.  Their reasons may be different, the things that drove them there are different, but they are in the same space.  David’s is entirely self imposed.  Matteo has made it clear what he wants and it’s too scary.  Instead of allowing himself to trust in Matteo, which is completely understandable given his experiences before, David has chosen to hide.  Even feels like he’s going to be rejected if he takes things further with Isak, so to him this feels like it’s coming from the outside.  It’s not really; it’s his own hangups but they are exacerbated by Isak’s words.  So again, he retreats and hides from having to be vulnerable.  Both boys are too scared of the reactions they might get so they pull back into a space they perceive as safe (Even with Sonja, and David with his family) instead of having to deal with what they each fear.  In both cases, it’s totally understandable but in both cases it’s not necessarily the most satisfying or healthy option for them.  They do it not because they think it’s good, but because they’re scared.  What’s interesting is that from here on out, the way they deal with that fear is even more different than the ways they’ve dealt with other things, so that’s going to be good to look at over the next few episodes.

episodes six and seven can be found in this post

[truthaliar]

aiiiiiiight so here’s a post about mental health representation in media; or in other words: my mental health and apparently, the umbrella academy.

ps i am in no way, shape or form a mental health professional - this is just retelling an experience i had

sooo okay i was talking to my therapist. i’m gonna paraphrase this but basically she was like ‘do you watch umbrella academy’ and i was like ‘yea my friends are trying to figure out who is who in my friend group’ and it basically went ‘oh did they put you as diego? good, let’s talk about your hero complex.’ 

now to clarify i’m not typically like super open about it, but i have ptsd & anxiety. my panic disorder is mostly controlled at this point (ie i can now pinpoint triggers). a few weeks ago i finally told my mom i had ptsd after several years and she just responded, ‘i know.’

anyway, i ended up learning that there’s peer reviewed articles about umbrella academy in psychiatric journals, highlighting the show’s potential as a mental health tool. also i never really saw myself in any of tua characters but vaguely recognized my obsession w/ justice in diego, and also saw myself in five’s caffeine addiction. so the fact that a medical person... saw diego - weirds me out a little. more on that in a sec.

so my therapist, i guess let’s call her fran, said that diego’s behavior & habits are tied to his inability to introspect and manage his own emotions so he externalizes & fixates on justice, this external thing that has clear, logical right & wrong, something that he can take into his own hands bc he feels that the system is broken. it’s easier for him to focus on that than on fixing himself.

to be clear she said it’s fairly common for ppl in diff branches of medicine to feel this way to a degree; you’re trained to be more detached from your emotions so it’s not unusual to (slightly-moderately) go either the diego route or the luther route if you begin to lose it (and hopefully not the five route cuz that’s a whole diff story). of course these are extremes (and she said i have parallels to diego, not that i have anywhere near his level of hero complex)

even still when she said that -- it hit different. like when my friends cast each other, it’s something we’ve been doing for years right? it’s just fun, and yea you often poke fun at yourself/each other in the process -- but it’s not the same as a professional saying ‘look at this extreme characterization of what could happen if you don’t take a step back‘. honestly my response was, ‘wow that doesn’t seem healthy.’

so the diego route is feeling like the system has failed you. therefore you want to act against or destroy the system that let you down, that didn’t care about you, that didn’t nurture you, and build something better -- on your own because the whole damn thing is unjust and it isn’t fair. the emotion you use to cope with is anger. and to build a new system you need people to back you. to get people to back you, you need to save them. kill the system, fix the broken. you might think you’re doing it on your own, but your success is still contingent on there being problems to solve.

the luther route -- based on my understanding bc she didn’t think i did this -- is more adhering yourself to the system and saying ‘good or bad, it’s by wedding myself to the system through which i will succeed, and i must be important because the system let me in to begin with.’

ofc any person can begin to display traits of any of those characters or of multiple characters, and to repeat they’re all in rough shape. and just bc she implied those are the two fairly common ways to feel in doesn’t mean you can’t be a klaus or a vanya or an allison or whoever you see similarities with.. like that’s the point. everyone responds to trauma differently. and it’s also a one-size fits all. she didn’t mean to and i do not mean to represent the siblings as perfect representations -- only that it does happen to match my behavior.

fran told me that to snap out of the hero complex, at least sometimes, you have to be able to separate yourself from the injustice that surrounds you n understand that people aren’t helpless and you are not here to save everyone. bc first of all - that’s a lot of fuckin’ work and second of all - that’s kinda rude to assume that people can’t fix their own problems. and unless they ask us for help, it’s our job to let them. after all, i’d be pissed if someone thought i needed saving.

so then comes the part i struggle with which is detaching yourself from the work you inevitably choose that focuses on solving problems. i’m shit at it; i’m always fucking problem-solving. i can’t turn it off. i can’t make it stop. and it carries over from my youth bc i felt like i was the only person that could see the solutions to the very real problems in my life. like diego, i’d zoom in and fixate (helloooo jfk plotline) and try to do something about it. turns out i got pretty good at this, and that spurred my career path. i never wanted to see myself as the victim. ever. even after i endured certain traumas that i don’t want to disclose. in my mind, i was never broken. the situations were just injust; and i couldn’t fix... the people, but maybe i could fix the situations.

so what did justice look like to me? i love my family, so i mostly focused on my career - something i could undoubtedly shape on my own. developed a list of people whose jobs i wanted to steal. out of revenge, feeling i could bring justice to the field by bringing my mindset to the table. sound vaguely familiar?

also probably not the healthiest fictional character to relate to. worse still, even arya was able to let go of her vindictive streak at the end of the day (at least in the show) -- something i am still working on. (also probably a good time for a reminder that the plan is to get good enough in my field to ‘steal jobs’ so that i can mold the field into what i want it to be, not actually physically hurt people). i did take up fencing tho.

soooo now it’s 2020. and i’m 28. and something important happened.

i was talking with my mentor and as we were chatting i realized that there is a job out there that i want. and not because i want to steal it out of a sense of ‘revenge’ -- but because i really like that person’s job. that i could see myself in that position because i love what it entails. and i think it’s the first time i ever saw that.

in eight months of constant therapy, i’ve realized that i do have a dream vet school; i do have a dream job; that my life is more than just trying to fix the world.

complexes don’t go away overnight and i kept things purposely vague - i’ll always have a little bit of ‘save the world’ in me.

but i can now say that tech school finishes in 10 months. it’ll be over in less than a year. i submit my vet school app in a week, with a much more refined & steady focus. i’m kind of ready to pursue happiness again. i’m much more confident that i’ll get where i want to be.

and whatever ya know? i’ll figure it out as i go

but tada there’s the story of my therapist seeing me in diego hargreeves, what the fuck.

[funkymbtifiction]

Fe or Fi?

Hello there, how are you doing? Sorry to add one more submission ion flooding your blog, I’m not sure this will be of any use but I’d have a little question… The other day, I had a conversation via texting in a group chat, when this guy started taking me apart and we had a nice chat about MBTi but the thing is it completely destabilized me… To contextualize, a girl said something about ISFPs being the most honest type and got a shitstorm of offended people calling her out (not really relevant to the whole story but that’s related to the first answer I wrote) and I started chatting with her. Then the guy came in and here is what we said (Sidenote: I use a fair amount of emojis when I write… I’m not sure how important it is to the whole wooly booly but “he” mentions me being “bouncy” in the beginning so I thought I’d clarify what he means by that since we never met in real life ^^)

Me: sorry but the « we’re thankfully not that miserable » SOUNDS like trying to put ISFPs on a « special snowflakes » position :/ I’m not saying that’s what you intended, just that’s how it sounds to others and I think it’s important to understand what’s wrong in how you deliver a genuine good message and causes you to be misunderstood ^^’ Him: offtopic but I’ve been thinking for a while, are you sure you’re not ENFP ? You’ve got that emotional enthusiasm a lot of times, where I just wouldn’t bother (like… here ^^). Could be mobilizing Fe, but I’m starting to think it extends beyond that and includes Fi views (of being inclusive and enthusiastic). Me: I thought for a long time I was a Fi user too (and I still have moments when I question my type…) :) But after asking people who knew better than me, read about all those differences and basically, I care way too much to fit in and be accepted at the price of being my “true self” to be a Fi, even more a high Fi user. The person I show in this group is far from being the same as I am in real life :) The contrast with my sister, who is ESTJ and one of my ENFP friend is shocking (that’s when I started wondering if I was really one ^^). Even what you point out could be a proof I have Fe since Fe tries to actively impact others’ opinions and mood while a healthy Fi would be more “as long as you don’t hurt me or someone I like, I don’t care what you think :) ”. This quote for example, I used to think I had this mindset, that I wouldn’t mind what someone else believes or does, but the sad truth is I do. I will never violently shut someone off because of that but I’ll try to convince them what they believe or do makes no sense, and become extremely obnoxious in the process… Recently I started wondering if I’m not an FJ, maybe my Fe is actually higher than I first thought, but again, when I meet my ESFJ friends, my ISFJ step mother and my ENFJ best friend, I can see I’m clearly not as easy going with my emotions and feelings as them. I can be expressive and even fake emotions to adapt to the people around me, but in comparison, they’re way more enthusiastic and upbeat than I am, and know exactly how to respond to someone in distress when I would just stand there, awkwardly… ^^‘ I don’t know, of course I could be wrong and I’m still constantly learning but anytime I doubt, I see someone posting about ENxP and ExTP and I just feel a punch like “that’s so relatable it hurts” x) But I’m interested in all comments and advice ^^ I’m still trying to stop constantly questioning if I’m not an ISxJ or any other type, anyhow… Him: mmh, Fi users can be as much concerned with what others think of them. Fe vs. Fi is rather a question of how/why :) At least, I’m pretty convinced you’re not an ISTJ (and I don’t think I know when ENTP that could have doubts being ISTJ… doubts usually revolve around ENTJ, INTP, stuff like that, so this one is weird ^^). Me: Haha I’ve been through every single one of them x) I think the only types I was sure not being were INxJ and ENTJ since I don’t relate to high Ni at all :)

Now I guess it’s all a little confusing and really, if you don’t have an answer, I won’t expect you to bother thinking too much about it, but my only real question is if anything I said showed I’m a Fi user? :/ I won’t ask about my exact type, it’s just somehow, I “absorbed” this person’s opinion like a sponge, as if it were mine… and the more I think about it, the more I think maybe I was wrong all along… Also, the people I mention (friends, family…) are people I tried typing myself, so it could explain my mistakes, since I used them as comparisons. If any of you have the patience going through this, thank you a lot (thank you a lot anyway ^^) and have a nice day/evening!

There’s misconceptions about the judging axis from both of you, here.

Fi is not “emotional enthusiasm.” Fi is subjective judgments. A Fi user will judge that as fine, and this as not fine, in an inconsistent manner. When a Ti user points out, “But that is inconsistent,” a Fi will shrug and say, “That’s how I feel. I care about this, and I do not care about that.” It has nothing to do with emojis, or coming across as :) in conversations, it’s a process of self-filtering that ultimately comes down to, “I do not like this. I would not like that to happen to me. I have no experience with that to pull from, so I cannot tell you how I would act in that situation…” in an uncompromising manner. That’s why people call Fi “selfish.” It goes through SELF.

Fe is others-referencing. It needs no personal experience to care, it does not filter through self, it mirrors other people’s feelings, and it often “forgets” self in defending others and/or seeing through their eyes. “You should not do that, it is inappropriate / it offends others / it is an ill-informed opinion.” That is why Fe can be called “overbearing” or “interfering,” because it tends to police people who are not behaving appropriate to the situation. Fe thinks there are appropriate emotions in this context, and inappropriate emotions, and it’s better to express the right ones.

Just about everyone cares what other people think, just on a sliding basis. I care very much what people think of me… but it is all tied to my core Enneagram. I have no doubt your caring is also tied to your Enneagram, and that you have a social stacking, which further makes you AWARE of what others think of you.

Your comment that you “fake feelings to fit in” makes me think you are not high Fi, but then why are you doing it? It’s the why that matters, not the what. It’s why you think as you do, and feel as you do, and react as you do, that makes up your type, not what you are doing. People of different functions do the same things for different reasons. Other people being enthusiastic and upbeat really has nothing to do with you, because you may not be an enthusiastic or upbeat person, and neither of those things are “necessary” to be a Ne-dom. All you need to be a Ne-dom is... well, dominant Ne and inferior Si.

Several thoughts:

1)     The fact that you others-reference so much in your argument could be one or two things – you are an extrovert or you are a Fe. An extrovert is not inward focused, it looks to the outer world first. A Fe is so busy thinking about other people’s behavior, it’s not thinking about itself. Which one are you doing?

2)     Your inability to find your type and “constant questioning” does suggest high Ne, because they are universally the people who find it hardest to settle on a type and who are prone to picking out minor details to support a ridiculous self-typing (I say this from experience, I look back on typing ISFJ with angst). This comes from Ne’s tendency to believe things without any proof, and inferior Si’s inability to come up with specifics to ground their thinking in reality.

3)     “I absorbed this person’s opinion like a sponge.” If you are running with other people’s ideas because they seem rational and reverse your thinking process to incorporate this new idea (despite having no proof), then you are probably a Ne-dom – they are inconsistent in their thinking because other people’s ideas stick to them like flypaper. It makes them adaptable and open-minded but also prone to pursuing absurd ideas about themselves, because that’s what this other person said about me!!

- ENFP Mod