#to be fair it IS very very slowburn for the first bit

[sentientsky]

Here, I’m bored and tired, so have an excerpt from my fic, “Until the Bitter End”, specifically a major plot point in chapter 8 because someone bookmarked it as “start at chapter 8” aksjsajsjkskdj

[bbyseok]

at first sight? — GOJO SATORU

pairing: gojo satoru x gn!reader

word count: 10k (idek i was possessed)

banner by @/bbyseok , dividers by @/bunnysrph !!

a/n: um hi. its finally here ! thanks to all who liked the teaser, this is my first jjk/gojo fic ever but i really think everyone needs some comfort after jjk chap 261.. and fuck u gege !!

content: soulmate au, gender neutral reader, minimal use of they/them pronouns for reader but gender is not specified, sorcerer reader, nicknames ‘sweetheart’, ‘pretty’, ‘baby’, fluff, mild angst with a happy ending, slowburn??, several pov switches, suggestive/implied nsfw at the end but nothing explicit, brief swearing/explicit language, brief violence/injuries, alcohol consumption, reader gets mildly drunk but nothing else, implied satosugu as past soulmates: can be interpreted as either romantic or platonic, fic takes place after jjk 0 but before the show starts

analysis: this is a world filled not only with curses, but soulmates—in which you know someone is your soulmate when you first make eye contact with them. but for your case, things can get a bit complicated when someone is wearing a blindfold.

here, in this universe, you can tell that someone is your soulmate by simply looking at them. so with that, the saying of “love at first sight” is actually pretty accurate here. you see them for the very first time and barely know the person and yet, somehow, they’re the one you’re destined to be with.

with that, you’d think it’d be pretty common for two random people to run into each other while crossing the street or something and bam! suddenly you’ve found the supposed love of your life!

and you? well, for you, that hasn’t happened yet.

to be fair, it’s not like you’re actively trying to look for your soulmate. handling curses as a jujutsu sorcerer is difficult enough. (maybe you’ll run into them one day after saving them from a curse or something. how romantic!)

it’s better to leave it up to fate. it’s fate who decided your pairing anyway, right?

your transfer to jujutsu tech had been fairly smooth. after being stationed in kyoto for a while, tokyo was a nice change of pace.

coincidentally, you had been out of the country during the incident known as the night parade of a hundred demons. a scary event that proved the threat of curse users to be formidable.

because of that, your decision to transfer to tokyo seemed like the right thing to do. and so far, it’s been decent.

it’s a nice change of scenery. the students are aspiring; while maki and megumi aren’t the friendliest, they’re warming up to you. toge and panda are gradually improving.

nanami’s pessimistic outlook on jujutsu society and shoko’s overall unenthusiastic demeanor are certainly interesting for the most part, but your coworkers are pleasant to be around.

well. except for one.

gojo satoru knows that you are his soulmate. he has indeed known this fact right from the very start, ever since your first meeting.

even with his blindfold on, he could see your own eyes before him. his six eyes can see everything. the thing is.. he didn’t know he could have another soulmate.

his situation with geto suguru is something he doesn’t talk about with anyone. maybe shoko at times, but even then, it’s rare. it’s not that he doesn’t want to, but it’s pretty hard to talk about.

after suguru defected, gojo could still obviously feel their bond. even though they were no longer together as the strongest duo, did it really matter when their souls were still connected to one another? it was a factor that played in avoiding (and perhaps meeting up with) each other as the years went by.

satoru felt their bond die that day after the events with okkotsu and rika. and it had frightened him. that lingering presence of the bond was no longer there.

so imagine his surprise when he sees you.

a new sorcerer in kyoto, now transferred to tokyo. normally, gojo doesn’t seek out the new recruits, but yaga had dragged him over regardless. besides, he might as well get to know his possible assistant teacher that would be helping him out with the new first years.

“i guess i can check out some new faces,” he relented with a sigh, adjusting his blindfold and looking to the side as yaga’s steps slowed as they approached you.

gojo rolled his eyes–not that you’d see it anyway–as yaga introduced you with your name and your sorcerer grade. he stopped to stand next to the principal.

you extended your hand to offer a handshake, and gojo finally turned his head.

that feeling as his gaze fell upon yours beneath the blindfold was familiar—frighteningly so—and unfamiliar at the same time. as if he could breathe for the first time in ages. your eyes are unaware, but they’re so revealing to him.

satoru stuttered in his movements, reluctantly taking your hand. the skin that touched yours felt like it was on fire. he briefly held on to see if you felt it too.

but you simply smiled up at him.

“it’s nice to meet you, gojo,” you said, blissfully unaware of the revelation currently dawning on the man before you and the turmoil it brought as he abruptly retracted his arm back.

gojo stiffened. he merely offered a curt nod before turning on heel and walking away briskly. he could faintly hear yaga protest about his sudden departure before apologizing to you hastily. satoru shook his head.

how was this be possible? how could the universe give him two soulmates? he didn’t even know that was a thing that could happen. he wondered if there had been a similar occurrence before.

gojo couldn’t help but feel nauseous. was this the world playing some sort of sick, cruel joke on him? or was it perhaps giving him a second chance?

and truthfully, it wasn’t like gojo even wanted another soulmate. not after what he had been through with suguru. he hadn’t given it much thought.

was it really worth it?

what if he couldn’t protect you too?

so satoru had decided on one thing that day: the blindfold stays on. concealing his eyes from the world not only for him, but for your sake too. he was certain in his choice; he would never tell you the truth.

as far as you were concerned, you haven’t met your soulmate yet.

and never will.

your first meeting with gojo wasn’t exactly unpleasant, but it wasn’t something you could describe as good either. you’ve been left with the impression that he’s cocky and indifferent.

and that he doesn’t like you.

it’s been around.. two? three weeks? it’s been a while since your encounter with the white-haired sorcerer, and you’ve only seen a few glimpses of him here and there on campus.

okay, he doesn’t display any outright mean or ill intention towards you. on the very rare times the two of you do interact, he is obviously curt and clipped. seems like he’s deemed you worthy of the only either nods or one word responses.

you’ve yet to actually participate in a lesson or mission with gojo, but you prefer it that way. providing individual training and advice for the upcoming second years has been going great. at this point, you’re sure it’d only be awkward.

besides, the strongest sorcerer alive doesn’t necessarily need assistance in dealing with curses after all. that much is understandable.

you’re currently in the teachers’ lounge room with nanami. even though he isn’t actually a teacher, he pays visits sometimes. he’s good company anyway.

“it’s nice to hear that you’re settling in well,” the blonde says with a nod. he loosens his necktie absentmindedly as he adjusts the newspaper in his lap. “especially with that gojo around. he can be a pain in the ass sometimes.”

you frown at the mention of the sorcerer, crossing your arms. you’re seated across from nanami, watching him idly look through the newspaper.

“oh, well, actually, he isn’t too much trouble. for me, at least,” you reply, brows furrowing, “he barely talks to me.” (in fact, he seems to avoid you like you’re carrying the plague or something.)

nanami looks up, raising a brow. “huh. you should be grateful then.” he then hums, “but maybe that’ll change once there’s actually new first year students to teach. you both are assigned to them after all.”

you lean back in your seat, your shoulders committing to a halfhearted shrug. “maybe. it’s not like i never did anything bad to him though..”

nanami sighs gruffly. “don’t think about it too much.” before he can continue, there’s the sound of footsteps. nanami brings his newspaper back up, muttering, “speak of the devil.”

“nanamiiii!” gojo’s voice sounds from around the corner. it almost startles you how lively he sounds. you realize you’ve never actually heard or seen how he acts without you around.

nanami doesn’t respond, rolling his eyes.

gojo strolls in enthusiastically, blindfold on. “heyy, nanami, we should-” he cuts off when he presumably sees you, falling quiet and stopping short.

you blink, a bit hurt. does he dislike you that much? but you don’t let it show, resorting to greeting him politely like you usually do when you occasionally pass each other.

“good afternoon, gojo,” you muse, offering a little wave.

nanami notices his reaction too, but doesn’t comment on it. he continues to ignore the sorcerer’s presence in fact, eyes still roaming over the newspaper.

gojo clears his throat and resumes his pace. “afternoon,” he responds, focusing his attention back on nanami. he reaches the two of you, giving you no further acknowledgment.

you don’t care if he can see you looking at him, you opt to stare at the black blindfold covering his face. you have a hunch that he can see, or at least feel, you staring at him.

“can i borrow you for a sec, nanami?”

nanami emits an exasperated sigh, but stands nonetheless to follow gojo out of the room for some discussion not meant for your ears apparently, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

do you make gojo uncomfortable? you don’t know what you could’ve possibly done so though. from what you’ve heard from the others, he can be rather eccentric and overbearing.

does he just not like you? perhaps he views you as inferior, too below his level and power to actually converse with you. while it seems a bit of a stretch, you’re sure it’s not out of the possibility also based on what you’ve heard about him from others.

your frown returns. before you can dwell on it any longer, nanami comes back into the room. “well, i certainly see what you mean from what you said about gojo earlier,” he announces.

his words do nothing to falter your frown. “right.” you then shrug once more, “it’s okay. it’s just a bit.. strange.” you then shake your head, trying to be a bit optimistic. “but also like you said earlier, that might change! who knows?”

who knows, indeed.

megumi tucks the cursed tools inside their designated box and closes the lid. he moves on to the next one right as gojo enters the shed, beaming a smile.

“hey, megumi. you almost done wrapping up things here?” satoru asks, undoing his blindfold naturally. there’s a pair of glasses in his hand ready for use.

the teen nods. they had used a few cursed tools during training session today, and the storage did need a bit of tidying up. “almost done.”

satoru makes a noise of approval as he places his glasses on. “great! do you need help setting up your dorm room?” he looks excited at the idea, still grinning.

meanwhile, megumi looks disinterested at his offer. “no thanks. i think it’ll be easy enough. it’s not like i’m decorating it anyway.”

“oh, boo.” but gojo doesn’t insist on it any further. he actually falls strangely quiet, which causes megumi to glance at him curiously.

his teacher looks.. distraught. it’s hard to actually tell, but he seems to be looking at the floor, maybe lost in thought. before megumi can say anything, gojo’s expression changes and he starts talking again.

“you’re, uh, with the new teacher for tomorrow,” gojo then informs. he shoves his hands into his pockets and kicks at the floor absentmindedly. (he’s fidgeting. subtly.) “it’ll just be you two, i think, on a small mission. so they can get used to actually working with students on field. it’ll be good for the both of you.”

megumi nods. he tilts his head afterward. “you can say their name, you know. it won’t kill you,” he says a bit pointedly, “and they’re not technically new anymore. it has been a few weeks now since they’ve joined the school.”

“right, right.” megumi’s face scrunches up as gojo’s hand comes down to ruffle his hair gently. (a habit that has not died since his younger days.) “whatever you say, megumi.”

despite your minimal interactions and his rather closed off demeanor, megumi is actually one of your favorite students. (and yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have favorites, but oh well.)

your mission with megumi, or rather, the mission you’ve been assigned to supervise the student on, is rather simple.

there’s been reports of a low grade curse roaming the premises of a supermarket neighboring a nearby cemetery, so megumi is to obviously exorcise it under your watch. the area has been closed off with a small veil. megumi had decided to check the parking lot first for any lingering traces, so here you are.

“i think we’re good here,” the teenager confirms as his demon dogs return to his feet, seemingly in the clear. you nod and let him lead the way towards the inside of the store.

as the two of you begin to walk down each aisle with one of the demon dogs trailing behind, megumi says your name in an inquisitive tone. “what do you think of gojo-sensei?”

the sudden question has you blinking in surprise. your eyes scan megumi as you both continue to trek down the aisle. “what makes you ask?”

“no reason.” he doesn’t meet your gaze.

you bite down on your lip in contemplation. you’re not sure what brings this question to mind for him, but you’re willing to indulge him for now. “well.. i think he’s.. alright.” you pause. “as a sorcerer, i admire his strength. though, i think a lot of people think that obviously.”

“and as a person?” megumi presses, turning to investigate the next aisle. he still doesn’t glance over to you, still preoccupied with searching for the curse.

(hell, for a teenager, he sure is perceptive.)

you choose your words carefully, thinking it over with a brief pause.

“i’ll admit, i don’t think i know him well enough to be sure. as a person, i think he’s.. self-centered and rude. sometimes, i see him act very carefree in a way. he’s.. obscure, i guess.” you clear your throat and reiterate, “but again, i don’t really... know him.”

you can see megumi go over your words silently. the quiet continues. the conversation seems to be dying, but it doesn’t matter when monstrous gurgling sounds up ahead.

a curse appears in front of you, the shelving of the aisles toppling over as it gargles some unintelligible roar. megumi doesn’t hesitate, using his technique to summon his demon dogs once more to swiftly engage in combat.

the fight is easily handled in three minutes top. (they weren’t kidding when they said it’d be easy.)

after the commotion has settled, you allow megumi to do one more check up around the store just in case. just as you are prepared to exit and bring down the veil, you decide it’s your turn to ask him now.

“and what about you, megumi?” you inquire lightly, giving one of the demon dogs a few head pats for their good work. “what exactly do you think of gojo?”

megumi hums.

“i agree with most of what you said actually,” he answers honestly, causing you to chuckle in amusement. the teenager tilts his head and finally looks at you. “but i also think he’s kind when he wants to be.”

his frontward honesty surprises you once more. this kid sure is something. you believe his words; he has no reason to lie to you, especially about gojo of all things. still, you poke at him teasingly, “really now?”

you don’t really expect him to answer, but then megumi says in a mumble so quiet that you nearly miss it.

“well, he did sort of raise me after all.”

“i just don’t think he likes me, shoko,” you puff out a sigh, watching as she puffs out smoke. “i’ve seen the way he is around other people, and he’s not like that with me.”

she’s on break right now, so you thought you could talk to her about a certain blindfolded sorcerer who’s been plaguing your thoughts.

it’s interesting to hear about the different sides of gojo satoru from your peers. from nanami, you’ve learned that he’s pretentious and troublesome. from megumi, that he can be caring in his own way. and shoko?

“he’s crazy.” the doctor waves her cigarette at you with a shrug of her shoulders. “but it beats me on why he doesn’t particularly like you.”

you groan, slouching in one of the chairs set up in the infirmary. “maybe i should’ve stayed in kyoto,” you mumble. it’s more of a joke than anything; your.. weird terms with gojo isn’t enough to actually deter you.

but shoko puts the cigarette back to her lips and tilts her head. “want me to ask him about it?”

you straighten your posture abruptly and look at her. “what? you don’t have to. he might think i asked you to or something.”

she shrugs again. “your call.”

your brows furrow. “maybe we just got off on the wrong foot somehow. even though all i did was shake his hand.” you snort. “maybe i can get him something to break the ice. what does he like?”

shoko doesn’t even hesitate. “sweets. he likes his sweets.”

oh. oh, okay! you blink and nod. who would’ve thought? the strongest sorcerer in the world likes sweets. “i can handle sweets.”

you, in fact, cannot handle sweets.

why are there so many? you’re at a local bakery staring at the rows and rows of pastries they have on display, looking as if you’re trying the decipher the world’s hardest math problem.

shoko never specified what kind of sweets he liked during your conversation with her a couple days ago. cake? ice cream? cookies? you might as well buy the whole damn store at this point with your luck. the last thing you want is to buy him something he won’t actually eat.

“oh, fuck it,” you mutter and finally decide on a small piece of cake. it happens to be your favorite kind of cake, but oh well. if he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it! it’s the thought that matters anyway, right?

as you exit the shop with your newly acquired dessert, you try to devise a way to give it to him. do you just.. hand it to him? or maybe it’ll be better to leave it in his office. or have shoko give it to him!

ughh, who knew how hard it’d be to give a man a cake? okay, okay. you’ll simply give it to him in person since he’ll know it’s directly from you. problem solved.

well, actually, problem is not solved. how are you supposed to give the cake to gojo in person when you have absolutely no clue where he is right now? after returning to the school, he’s no where to be found, so you eventually turn to yaga for help.

“he’s on a mission where??”

you stare at yaga with wide eyes as he names some city so far away you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to find an affordable ride to get you there in a reasonable amount of time.

“oh, alright,” you say, feeling a little disappointed. the cake suddenly feels a little too big and heavy in your hands.

the principal’s gaze flickers down to your little intended treat for his former student. “these kinds of missions are no trouble for satoru. i’m sure he’ll be back soon, so you can leave that in his office.”

you brighten up at that and nod. “thank you, yaga.” you then dismiss yourself with a polite bow after he informs you where gojo’s office is exactly, and you start to make your way there.

it’s only a few minutes until you get there. you open the door and catch sight of a desk. it looks rather plain, which is understandable since it doesn’t seem like he uses this space often. (though, there is a chair that looks more expensive than your entire rent.)

either way, you walk inside and set the container down on the desk with a small sigh. hopefully the gesture is appreciated! if he really does have a sweet tooth like shoko says, you’re not sure why he’d turn it down. again, you can only hope.

you sigh again and turn to leave when the sound of the door creaking open sounds again. you freeze in place when it swings out fully, revealing the very man you were thinking about.

(yaga was not kidding when he said that gojo finishes his missions pretty fast.)

gojo perks up at the sight of you in his office, and even with his blindfold on, you can tell he’s got a surprised look on his face. “can i help you.. or do you have a reason on why you’re snooping around in my office?” he inquires, walking in.

while not evidently hostile, his appearance and words suddenly have you anxious. “oh, well, i-’’ you want to mentally smack yourself for fumbling over your words. “i’m sorry for intruding. i, uh, just wanted to leave you a little something.”

it’s only then does gojo look past you and makes a small noise. you can’t really decipher it, but you watch as he walks by you to open the small packaging to see the slice of cake meant for him.

and when he makes a small noise again, you can tell it’s one of delight. “you got me.. cake?” he asks, looking to you again questioningly.

“i did,” you clarify with a small nod, summoning a small smile and rubbing the back of your neck a bit sheepishly, “i didn’t know what kind of sweet you would like, so i just ended up choosing my favorite cake. um, i really hope you don’t mind the flavor, but if you don’t you really don’t have to eat it so-”

“kikufuku.”

you stare at him, confused. “what?”

“kikufuku,” satoru reiterates, and it’s his turn to smile. (it nearly catches you off guard because although very small, it’s pretty.) “s’my favorite. or.. one of my favorite sweets. crepes are good too.”

his newfound friendliness has you smiling a bit more evidently, pleased that this interaction is your most pleasant one with him so far in the weeks you’ve been here. “oh, okay,” you chuckle, “noted.”

gojo opens the container and unwraps the plastic fork that had came with it. he takes a bite of the cake and hums in approval. “can see why it’s your favorite. it’s not bad.”

your face lightens up at that. “oh, i’m glad.”

he hums, popping another slice of cake into his mouth. “any particular reason on why you’ve decided to give me cake, if i may ask?”

you falter once more, now nervous in telling that you’re hoping to.. resolve this one-sided tension with you. ultimately, you decide to be straightforward, inhaling deeply and looking at him. (well, his blindfold.)

“well, i’m not an idiot, gojo. you haven’t exactly been.. friendly to me. i’m not trying to win you over or anything, but if we’re going to work together with the first year students, consider this a gift for a truce. or um, a peace offering so we can act somewhat decent with each other.”

the white-haired sorcerer falls silent at your confrontation. you’re half expecting him to brush you off and walk out of the room entirely. especially since he seems to have stiffen up (similarly to the way when you first met, you had noticed).

he seems to contemplate for a bit. you don’t know where he’s looking at; the floor, the cake in his hands, you? it’s suddenly nerve-wracking.

“you’re right,” he finally speaks up, “i.. i’m sorry for my previous behavior towards you. can we start over?” he places the cake aside and walks back over to you to hold out his hand.

“gojo satoru.”

your eyes flicker to his blindfold to his hand, then back to where his eyes are hidden underneath. the rumored powerful and breaktaking six eyes concealed from your ever so curious sight.

against your better judgment, you repeat your name and take his hand.

“it’s nice to meet you, gojo.”

your new relationship with gojo is steadily becoming better. he’s no longer curt with you, and actually engages in conversations even with no other people around.

though, you can’t help but feel like he’d avoiding looking at you for some reason. which is pretty far off since you can’t technically see where he’s looking, but it’s a hunch you have nonetheless.

but hey, it’s progress, progress that you’re somewhat happy about.

like now, as satoru leans over your shoulder to peer at the clipboard in your hands. you’ve just finished wrapping up a lesson with the soon-to-be second years out on the field.

“ooh, what’s on the agenda for tomorrow, teach?” he pries.

“assistant teach,” you remind him teasingly, going over the contents of the clipboard. “more sparring. oh, and the registration for that new first year.”

“the one from the countryside?” gojo hums.

you nod. “yep. a.. kugasaki nobara. we won’t actually get to meet her, but arrangements for her arrival are getting finalized.”

“oh, boo. s’just more paperwork,” the sorcerer beside you whines, kicking at the grass.

“at least megumi isn’t the only one now,” you point out and finally turn to him.

just as you expected, satoru glances away to look at panda and toge finishing up. you squint at him narrowly but don’t comment on it.

“that’s true. not like that kid cares anyway, but it’ll be good for him,” gojo agrees airily, shoving his hands into his pockets.

you eye him. “hey, gojo?”

“yeah?” his head remains turned to the students. (further proving your point! you feel like you’re collecting evidence here; the gojo satoru cannot look at you in the eye!)

you hesitate. “wanna grab some kikufuku?”

he perks up at that. (like a puppy, really. it almost makes you laugh.) “mm, whatever happened to not trying to win me over with sweets?” he teases.

you laugh at that then, shaking your head in soft denial. “no- that’s not what i-”

“well, you did said kikufuku.." satoru interrupts you with a dramatic sigh and heave of his shoulders, “so how could i ever possibly resist?”

satoru doesn’t dare to look down at you.

“care to join me?”

but you smile up at him cheekily, and he hates the way the sunlight is hitting your features just right. it looks like the color of your eyes is glistening.

you’re just.. lying down on the grass of one of the training fields, admiring the drifting formations of white clouds on the blue canvas that is the sky.

satoru keeps telling himself that shouldn’t be doing this. his first mistake was accepting your cake. allowing himself to get closer to you. but when you look at him like that, he feels like he can do anything. which is odd, becaues really, he can do anything. it goes without saying as his status as the strongest.

but with you, it’s starting to feel a bit different.

when he doesn’t give you an immediate answer, you tilt your head and continue to blink up at him. “you can see the sky even with your blindfold on, right?”

he snorts. “yeah, i can.”

you pat the space on the grass next to you welcomingly, a beckoning that he just can’t resist again. “well, come on and join me,” you persist.

he hesitates, shifting his weight on his legs for a moment. against his better judgement, he joins you. it’s surprisingly comfortable, he finds, as he kicks out his legs and sighs.

it’s a comfortable silence that it’s almost startling. how easy it is just to be around you. (which is the exact reason why he had been avoiding you in the start, in fear of slipping up around you. he still might.)

“you get headaches, right? if you don’t cover your eyes.”

he chuckles at your question. “yeah.” it’s a half truth, half lie. he does get headaches, but for another reason now. you can’t get out of his head. (he’s got a suspicious feeling it’s because the soulmate bond is incomplete. but again, that’s just a theory of his.)

“‘m’sorry. that sucks.” you pout subconscously, still looking up at the sky to admire it.

he scoffs fondly, clapsing his hands over his stomach. “it’s no biggie. you think headaches can take down gojo satoru?”

“hey now, tough guy. they can take down me sometimes.”

(he’d fight off headaches from you if he could.) his heart is thudding against his ribcage, warning him. but he doesn’t heed the warning, and continues to lay down with you on the grass.

it’s a nice feeling. he doesn’t feel like the greatest sorcerer in the world with his colleague. it feels like he’s just satoru, pointing out the different shapes and animals you can spot in the sky with his soulmate.

“hey, that one looks like you!”

“hah?!”

“i’m guessing you and gojo-sensei are getting along now,” megumi bluntly comments.

it catches you off guard slightly, and you can’t help but laugh. (of course he had noticed how the both of you interacted from the beginning.) “oh, uh, yeah.”

and as you watch satoru go down the steps of the stairs to head over to you both whilst waving an arm with much more enthusiam than needed, you can’t help but smile.

“yeah, we are.”

this is a mistake. he shouldn’t be doing this.

but satoru can’t help but be so selfish, selfish in indulging in your looks, in your scarce touches. when you had confronted him with your peace offering as you had so called it, he had given in.

and now he’s spending more time with you. be it after lessons with the students, on random days where you have nothing to do, during weekends when there’s no authorities to bother him—he can’t help it.

was it the bond wanting to be complete? you were still unaware of his true identity, of what he could possibly mean to you, so why does he feel like he needs to be so close? he gets antsy at times when you’re not in his sight. it’s starting to affect him.

the soulmate bond, or lack of it—that has to be the only explanation for it. because he knows that you’re his soulmate, he’s subconsciously drawn to you and your presence. (it’s definitely not because he likes the way you smile, or laugh, or-)

fuck.

after a relatively tough mission, you’re obviously sent to see shoko. you’re not fatally harmed, maybe a scratch here and there. and okay, maybe a gash on your shoulder..

it had been enough to sort of knock you off your feet, but you’re fine. totally. exorcising a semi grade two curse at 1 a.m. in the morning was no biggie at this point.

once she’s finished tending to your wound, she dusts off her hands and places them on her hips. “you’re all set.”

you smile gratefully. “thanks, sho. can always count you to patch me up.”

she snorts. “well, it is my job.”

gojo suddenly appears right next to the table and you yelp, startled by his teleportation. shoko, on the other hand, looks unfazed, as if she’s used to this.

“gojo!” you blink, your voice taking a scolding tone soon after, “geez, you scared me! what’re you still doing awake??”

the blindfolded man falters, looking apologetic. “sorry. heard you got back from your mission.” he sounds worried, but before he can voice his concern, shoko rolls her eyes.

“they’ll be fine,” she says.

gojo’s shoulders finally drop down and he plays off his previous display of concern with a laugh. “ahaha, yeahhh, i knew that,” he scoffs with a wave of his hand, “i can’t bless you two with my presence?”

shoko gives him a displeased look before she turns around to tidy up her tools. you chuckle at her annoyance. “thanks for checking up on me, satoru,” you say sincerely. your eyes go over his appearance; he’s dressed more casually: a pair of dark slacks and shirt that expose his collarbones. not that you’re.. particularly looking.

but his shoulders seem tense again at your words and he hums quietly. (huh, strange. at least he’s not refusing to look at you anymore, you think.)

“well, i say this calls for a little celebration,” satoru suddenly purrs in delight, waving his hands in the air.

“celebration? for me getting kinda beat up?” you blow a raspberry at him, only for him to blow one at you right back. even though you had done it first, you can’t help but giggle at his childish antics.

he grins at that, then shakes his head. “heyy, i heard you beat up a semi grade two curse!” he says, “i think that does call for a celebration, does it not?”

you stare at him, unsure on whether he’s joking or not. wait, how did he even know that? well, maybe he had gone through the mission reports and assignments. still, you’re surprised that he knows. “you can wipe those out in less than a minute, gojo,” you point out with a raised brow, “don’t try and humor me.”

his grin lessens. “well, yeah, s’kinda easy for me, but i think that goes without saying. you’re telling me don’t wanna celebrate an accomplishment of yours?”

you look to shoko who is almost finished with cleaning up. she just shrugs. you look back to satoru and shrug yourself whilst rolling your eyes. “alright, we can celebrate.”

gojo fist bumps the air. and here you are again, giggling at him.

eventually, when he leads you out of the infirmary and to the teachers’ lounge. he digs through one of the fridges and hands you a bottle of what seems to be alcohol.

“i didn’t even know this was allowed here,” you mumble, settling down on what of the high chairs near the counter. you wiggle in your seat to get comfortable as gojo takes the one next to you.

you offer it to him but he shakes his head, nose scrunching up a little. “i don’t drink.”

“wasn’t this your idea?” you blink. “suit yourself, more for me.” you shrug and open the bottle to pour yourself a glass. and another. and another. and then another.

(you don’t know what particularly drives you to keep drinking as you talk with him, but perhaps it’s the way you know that satoru’s eyes are lingering just underneath the blindfold. you can practically feel his stare.)

and gojo watches you gradually drink yourself to being mildly drunk.

“okay, no more for you,” he laughs as he takes the bottle away from you and holding it above your head when you try to reach for it.

“awh, man.” you pout and rest your head on your arms on the table, looking at him the best you can. “you meanie. you got me drunk on purpose. give it back.”

he snickers, amused and endeared by your drunk antics as he pushes the bottle aside. “sorry. you’ll thank me later, pretty.”

pretty. he’s never called you that before. you wanna hear him say it again. (amongst some other things.)

“pretty.. you’re pretty. i bet your eyes are pretty too,” you say into your sleeve, your other hand reaching out to his blindfold, “everyone else says they’re v’ry pretty.”

he leans back to avoid your hand, heart pounding in his chest a little too loud for his liking. he wonders if you can hear it. “sure. i guess they are,” he says softly with a small chuckle.

“i wonder who my soulmate is,” you then mumble out. maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s your incoherent slurring, but you sound.. sad.

before he can dwell on it, you’re slurring out another question that has come to your head.

“d’you have a soulmate?”

satoru’s eyes widen under the blindfold. he knows that you’re drunk. that you’re just saying things. but your hazy eyes stare up at him with a glint that makes his heart lurch.

and you won’t remember a thing in the morning, right?

before he can answer, you’re out like a light.

you wake up in the morning with a splitting headache.

with a groan, you sit up in what seems to be a bed that seems way to be to be your own, legs kicking the sheets that had been draped over you in alarm.

you have no idea where you are, but there’s a glass of water along with some painkillers on the nightstand beside you, which you down gratefully. there’s also the smell of food coming from outside the room.

you can piece two and two together that you’re probably in the home of someone you know.. your brain racks for information of what had happened last night but it’s only causing it to ache even more.

gojo.

you shake your head and make your way to what seems to be the bathroom to tidy yourself up. you notice that your’re still clad in your clothes of last night, so gojo had done the courtesy of tucking you in.

after you’re done, you take a deep breath and head outside.

you navigate your way down the hallway and follow the smell of food. as you turn the corner, you catch the sight of satoru in the kitchen. not that you doubted that the greatest sorcerer could cook, but for some reason, he looks so domestic.

he’s simply wearing sweats and a loose fitting shirt, your back turned to you as he tends to the stove, but the mere sight of it has your heart leaping into your throat. you have a feeling that it’s a sight meant for you, for you to see.

you don’t no how long you stand there, but suddenly a laugh rings through the kitchen from satoru teasingly. “take a picture, sweetheart, it’ll last longer.”

you yelp, embarrassed. (sweetheart? you try not to think about it, but you hate the way it makes your heart leap again. he’s just.. messing with you.) “erm.. sorry. good morning, gojo.” you approach the kitchen and take a seat at the counter.

when he finally turns to you, he’s not wearing his usual black blindfold, but instead what seems to be white bandages. you haven’t seen it on him before, but you don’t comment on it though.

he says good morning back before serving you some food, which you thank him for gratefully. “thank you for the painkillers too. i didn’t do anything embarrassing last night, did i?” you inquire, half jokingly.

you try to remember what had happened last night, but your memories are still a bit hazy. all you can recall is talking with him about things and staring at him. (you’re not going to tell him that though.)

“nah,” he waves off, “just told me your darkest secrets, s'all.”

you straighten up. “what?”

“kidding, kidding!” he snickers.

you groan and drag your plate to you. “i didn’t know you could cook.”

satoru looks mildly offended, emitting a dramatic gasp as he waves the spatula at you in a petulant manner. “hey now, i’m no expert. but i can at least make some sort of breakfast.”

(he totally did not look up a tutorial on how to cook for you. definitely not. but he’s a natural at everything, so at least his naturally gifted skill is in his favor this time.)

“thank you, gojo.” a smile tugs at the edges of your mouth.

“satoru.”

“what?”

“c’mon, you’re literally eating breakfast in my kitchen,” he laughs, sliding a mug of coffee (probably with extra cream and sugar because it’s gojo) towards you across the counter. “satoru’s fine.”

you test the name on your tongue, paying little attention to the way it makes the man before you stiffen up as you grab the coffee. “satoru.. thanks, satoru.” you think you can get used to saying that.

(he does too.)

satoru turns away back to the stove. “you’re welcome.”

“hey satoru, what did you say what you wanted again? i’m thinking bubble tea but i dunno..”

he likes the way his name sounds from you.

“uh, satoru? satoru? helloo, earth to gojo satoru? satoru!”

oh.

fuck, he hadn’t realized he had spaced out. gojo lifts his head in a sudden motion, making a surprised noise. he smiles sheepishly. “what’s up?”

“you feeling alright, satoru?” you tilt your head.

keep saying his name.

“awhh, i’m feeling more than alright, sweetheart.” he shoots you a grin, liking the way your eyes reflect the café lights, giving it a warm hue. “i’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“you seem to be in a good mood lately,” megumi points out. ijichi, in the front see, looks at the two of them through the rear view in silent agreement.

(a lot of people have noticed actually.)

gojo pauses, halfway through unwrapping the plastic of a popsicle. it’s the same one he used to consume during his youth, but his taste really hasn’t changed after all this time. “oh?”

the teenager eyes him narrowly. “yeah.”

gojo merely hums and pops the icy treat into his mouth.

“heh, i guess i am.”

you can hear gojo and shoko’s voices coming from the infirmary, causing you to smile absentmindedly. you didn’t think you’d be enjoying their company this much in the recent months—especially satoru’s.

(strangely, it feels so natural to be around him, you can’t help but wonder if he feels the same. you try to write it off as spending so much time together for a while now, but you can’t lie when you say he doesn’t make the stomach churn with butterflies.)

you turn the corner and announce your presence to the two with a smile and wave. you catch sight of them when they glance over to you, noticing something different.

shoko is wearing her usual white coat with a cigarette in hand, but she’s got her hair tied up in a rare bun to keep any strands from her face.

but that’s not what’s different as your gaze strays to the man next to her, the familiar frame of gojo catching you a bit off guard.

he’s wearing his glasses.

you’ve never seen him wear anything but his blindfold.

how does he look even more breathtaking than without it? you can’t see his eyes still, no—it’s a deep, deep shade of blue that still blocks his gaze from anyone else. but it’s a more casual look, seeing as his hair isn’t being help up and a few strands fall down and you can see his sharp facial features a bit more and-

and then he’s gone.

you audibly make a sound of confusion and hurt, because one moment he’s there and the next he’s no where to be seen. he had vanished without a single world.

he’s fucking avoiding you again; the realization of it makes your throat close up. after all you had been through with satoru.

“what the fuck was that?”

shoko stares at the space gojo had just been standing, just as lost as you.

there’s a distance between the two of you again. it’s painstakingly familiar to when you had first met gojo and he had kept himself strictly professional with you.

and you don’t know why.

it’s back to the cold shoulder from him; you’re seeing him less and less around campus, and those times where you did hang out off duty are practically a thing of the past now.

satoru is going to be the death of you one day, you’re sure of it.

and you and satoru aren’t even.. a thing.

then again, you’re not even sure what you are. you’re friends, yes, that’s much more than clear, but why does it feel so much more intimate than that despite the fact that the two of you have never even done anything?

however.. a part of you knows that you want more. more of those days lying in the grass with him, more of those mornings eating breakfast with him in his home, more of those afternoon café runs, more of everything with satoru.

is that why does it hurts so much now that he’s pushed you away again?

satoru is praying that you’re not in there with shoko as he approaches the infirmary a week later. she had called him over, and though he could’ve easily refused, he found himself obliging anyway.

“hey, what was that the other day?”

shoko is blunt and straight to the point once he arrived, striking him with a petulant and expectant gaze with her tired eyes.

gojo blinks innocently, tilting his head at shoko. “what was what?”

shoko then rolls her eyes. “you know what i’m talking about. what was that. you just- walked out like they we’re going to kill you or something.”

that’s the thing. you just might.

the white-haired man frowns and continues to feign innocence. he’s starting to wonder why he bothered coming here. “i have no idea what you’re talking about.”

his avoidance causes shoko to frown as well and she crosses her arms. “you’re doing the same thing that you did with them when they first joined here.”

when he doesn’t say anything, she continues, “avoiding them, pushing them away. i thought you didn’t have any problems with them. at this point, make up your mind because you’re just toying with their feelings and it’s not going to-”

“we’re soulmates,” satoru blurts out.

shoko is cut off, staring at him all wide-eyed for once. “you’re kidding.”

satoru falters. “i’m not. s’why i always wear the blindfold. and that’s why i.. i ran that night. just my glasses was too risky.”

what if he had angled his head the wrong way, what if you saw his eyes, what if you finally realized that you were fated to be together at the whims of the universe? he couldn’t do that to you.

“how long have you-”

“since we first met. i.. i could see it because of six eyes,” he explains, running a hand through his hair. “i don’t know why. i didn’t think i could have another one after-”

the two fall quiet at the mention of suguru, a heavy feeling hanging in the air between them.

“what are you going to do?” shoko asks quietly.

satoru sounds wrecked. “..i don’t know.”

“well.” shoko smushes her cigarette against the surface of the metal table. “you better do something before it’s too late.”

unfortunately, the higher ups have also noticed.

(the push and pull that has been going on between the pride of the gojo clan and a random transferred sorcerer from kyoto. nothing goes unseen by their tight hold on jujutsu society.)

and you are none the wiser when you’re an assigned a mission late so at night, at a secluded edge of tokyo. you would’ve questioned it, but after looking over the details, it seems easy enough since it was a low level curse.

ijichi drops you off near the location and bids you luck. the night is dark, with the shape of the moon only peaking out every now and then due to the clouds to offer minimum light, and then the veil is coming up.

it’s fine though, as you start walking to get this over with. the faster, the better.

what the fuck? the cursed energy here is much stronger than you had anticipated, almost as if it’s suffocating. now uneasy, you continue your search with more caution.

a low growl sounds from somewhere behind you, and you turn on heel to brace yourself in case the curse decides to catch you off guard with an unexpected attack.

your heart drops.

it’s a grade one curse.

something’s not right.

satoru can feel it. he can sense it in the air. something is lingering, a presence that makes even him feel uneasy, and he doesn’t know why. nothing makes him feel uneasy. but it’s a gut feeling, it’s the bond tugging and tugging and-

you.

something’s not right.

and then gojo is teleporting and finding ijichi in record time, giving the poor man a scare. gojo’s voice is on edge and leaves no room for argument as he demands the assistant director where he had driven you minutes prior. the veil still stands, undisturbed.

fuck, fuck, fuck- shoko was right. he should’ve done something before it was too late, because now it might actually be too late as he steps through the veil.

it’s too quiet for his liking, but the lingering silence only lasts for a few heartbeats before he hears you scream.

you’re going to die.

you don’t want to think that, but you’re definitely not going to make it out of this unscathed as you dodge the curse’s scarily accurate attacks, as if it knows where you’re going to move and land.

the curse screeches out something ugly, and you’re too stunned to react in time as one of its malformed limbs swings down with a speed that you can’t comprehend.

your throat cries for help even as the air out of your lungs, but then there’s the sudden brilliant flash of red that blinds your vision.

satoru?

you can’t see and your body aches everywhere while the sounds of the curse fade out. it’s replaced by the sound of someone speaking frantically. it is satoru as he crouches down at you, hands coming to lift you up gently. his infinity is off. “hey, hey it’s me,” he voices, “it’s me, sweetheart.”

satoru, it’s satoru. satoru is here.

you emit a sigh of relief, cloudy vision gradually focusing. you try and focus it on satoru, tracing over his features repeatedly, trying to engrave it into your memory.

“shit. those damn higher ups,” gojo grits his teeth into an angered scowl. the higher ups? were they behind this? you don’t know, but you know that you’ve ever seen him this furious before. “i am going to rip those old geezers apart limb from li-”

“satoru, we need to head back.”

he looks dazed, tufts of snowy hair now hanging a bit loosely over his blindfold compared to when it’s normally pushed upright. he even sounds dazed, the great gojo satoru, when he says, “yeah. yeah, okay.”

he’s holding on to you tight and suddenly everything seems to get blurry for less than a second before you blink. you realize he’s teleported you both not to the school, not to shoko’s infirmary, but to his penthouse.

the interior is at least familiar: white walls, a little messy, a couple of decorations, and—

“my place,” he clarifies, as if he had read your thoughts. he sets you down on his couch, uncaring if you’re staining the color of the cushions. but he doesn’t let go, hands still cradling your form so tight that you don’t know if you’re still shaking or that he is.

“are you okay?” you utter out weakly and scan him for any injuries while clutching at his arms, which is ridiculous because he’s untouchable. but you’re not in the right mind right now, and you have a feeling he isn’t either.

“i should be the one asking you that,” he retorts, and you also have the feeling he’s doing the same thing with you with the help of his six eyes.

“i’m alright,” you try to reassure him with a small shake of your head. it only aids you in wincing, but the pain is the last thing on your mind. especially with him here. “it’s fine.”

“it’s not fine,” he argues, his hold tightening even more on you, if that was even possible. is that a slight tremor in his voice? “you almost died.”

“and why do you care?” it’s not a malicious question from you. it’s more of confusion, of genuine. after all you’ve been through with satoru, you’re not sure where he stands. what he feels.

he seems startled by your question, like he can’t believe you could ask such a thing. “of course i care! why-”

you clench your fists in your lap, eyes tracing over his face repeatedly. “i don’t know what you want anymore from me, satoru! you’re not- you’re not telling me the truth.”

“i didn’t want to hurt you,” he tells you hoarsely. god, you wish you could see what he’s thinking. what’s going on in that head of his.

“you did hurt me.”

gojo trembles. “i know.”

“you seem to know a lot of things.” your voice sounds tired. your hand goes to rest on his chest, where you can faintly feel his heartbeat underneath. (oh, to be the only one who can touch gojo satoru like this.) “what are you hiding from me?”

“i can’t hide anything from you.” he draws a slow intake of breath. he then whispers,

“but how am i supposed to tell you that we’re soulmates?”

your heart skips a beat.

gojo satoru is your soulmate?

astonished, you now stare at him with wide eyes. “why- why didn’t you tell me??” you ask, voice cracking. to think, all this time, your soulmate had been right there, right beside you, right in front of you.

then it all clicks. his off-standish behavior, his reluctant interactions, his avoidance. his blindfold. he didn’t want you to see his eyes.

he’s known all this time somehow—and oh, oh. his six eyes. your lips part in realization as you stare hard, as if you could see his damned eyes beneath the cloth that hides you from the truth.

“i thought that if you knew that we were soulmates, you’d-” satoru shakes his head. “something always happens to the people i love.” he hesitates, “you still have a chance. you can find someone else.”

“what if i don’t want someone else??” you say out softly in protest, gripping the lapels of his uniform.

gojo shakes his head again. despite this, he doesn’t let you go. like he can’t, like he doesn’t want to. “we’re not bonded yet,” he says your name shakily, “please.”

still gripping the collar of his uniform, you tug him closer to you desperately. it’s so clear, so obvious that he wanted this.

“satoru, have you thought about what i wanted?” you breathe out, feeling tears well up in your eyes, “that maybe, there’s a chance that i want to take the risk? that i want to be bonded to you?”

your eyes flicker down to his lips momentarily. “that i want you too?”

satoru’s breath stutters.

“you haven’t seen my eyes.”

you cup satoru’s face in your hands, swiping your thumb under the space where his eye is hidden with a fierce tenderness that makes him listen.

“satoru, i didn’t need to see your eyes to fall in love with you.”

your confession has him stilling.

(all the times he had stiffened up in your presence, he had been falling for you, bit by bit. you know that now.)

his hand comes to cover yours, the one that’s still resting on his cheek, fingers smoothing over your knuckles. and then his hand continues to go up, up, up, and-

he tugs the blindfold up and over his head, revealing his eyes to you at last.

his eyes are gorgeous, a blue that seems to spill into your vision and take over your senses. a blue that you can get lost in, a blue that reminds you of the summer sky, a blue that tethers your soul to his, and you both can feel it.

the bond between you is so electrifying that you nearly forget how to breathe.

and then satoru is surging forward, closer, even closer, until your breath is his and you forget how to breathe for a whole different reason entirely.

he’s kissing you.

he kisses you like you might disappear right before him, his head angling into yours to capture your lips with a force that makes your world spin.

and you return it tenfold, one hand still cradling his face while the other sneaks to dig its fingers into his undercut, and he’s making a noise into your mouth with fervor.

you’re all too aware of his heat against you, the frantic touches he’s now giving into as he draws you closer. the surface of the sofa dissipates into nothingness and then-

suddenly he’s teleporting you both again—or maybe he’s kissing you dizzy. but you realize you’re now in space that’s not overly familiar with you, but you can tell it’s most likely his bedroom based off of the feel of the lush satin sheets underneath you.

less than an hour ago you were fighting for your life, and now you’re fighting for your life on gojo satoru’s bed.

“satoru, s’toru, wait-” you’re gasping for air, for something as he engulfs you with his presence. he’s everywhere all at once, and it feels as if the bond is intensifying everything he’s doing to you.

“nuh uh. think we’ve both waited long enough for this, baby,” he gasps against your lips, like it’s impossible to be separated from you again, “don’t know how much i wanted this, wanted you. drove me crazy.”

his words makes your head all fuzzy. you don’t even know if it’s the bond anymore, or just the way he makes you feel. maybe even both. your lungs feeling like they’re burning, but even then, you manage to get out,

“you have me, ‘toru, you have me.”

“yeah?” when he pulls back, it’s not even a few inches, his nose brushing against yours. his alluring eyes glimmer in the darkness of the room, and you’re almost so mad that you feel like kissing him again because he’s kept them from you for so long.

your hands hook over his neck again. when your fingers run over his undercut again, you can actually feel him shiver, causing you to giggle in delight. “yeah, ‘toru.”

“yeah, pretty,” he sighs out and he’s losing himself in everything that is you once more so willingly. your eyes, your very being, compels him to give you everything, so he does. “y’have me too. all of me.”

his confession rings through your ears before he’s kissing you again, kissing you breathless. it’s a blur on what happens next; feverish touches and passionate symphonies, but one thing’s for sure,

the magnetic glow of his eyes in the dark of that night is something that you’ll never forget.

as your stir amongst the tousled bedsheets, you can feel the warmth of a certain someone creeping over you, like a cozy cat searching for cuddles.

your eyes peer open to meet the blurry sight of the ceiling, along with the sight of messy white hair tickling your chin.

“good morning to you, sweetheart,” a voice says cheekily, followed by cascading kisses down your jawline, prompting you to giggle softly.

you watch sunlight spill over into the bedroom, engulfing the man above you in an angelic glow as he finally pulls back to look down at you.

so maybe you didn’t fall in love at first sight with gojo satoru.

that’s okay.

cause as you stare up into your soulmate’s pretty ceruleans in the morning light, you think you can fall in love with him like this a little more.

BONUS!

“you owe me.”

nanami drags a hand over his face as he digs into his pocket for his wallet. “this is the first and last time i make a bet with you,” he grumbles.

shoko merely smirks. “you have such little faith in gojo.”

“bet or not, can we go back to before they were together?” nanami looks like he’s close to investing in a pair of one of gojo’s glasses that can block any normal person’s vision.

satoru is clinging onto you like a sloth.

“babyyyyy,” your boyfriend whines, resting his chin on your shoulder with his arms wrapped around your torso. you can’t help but giggle, endeared by his clinginess. (he had claimed it was to make up for the way he had acted in the past and for lost time.)

he’s like another part of you now. not that you mind. being his soulmate is everything and more—from the tender touches to the passionate ones, to the talks of everything: to the mundane to the serious. after all, your soul is his, and his soul is yours.

(and then his hands are sneaking off to places they shouldn’t be.)

“‘toru, not here!”

nanami heaves out another sigh as his hand comes to pinch the bridge of his nose. “is it too late to quit being a sorcerer again?”

TAGLIST : @spn-obession , @deepestartisanhumanoidshark , @scarasw1f3 , @kalopsia-flaneur , @90s-belladonna , @peachipeachy , @chrystinaamanda , @kalulakunundrum , @hunnyheavenn , @dekusdante , @dontmindmelove , @cherries-lostgirls , @rv19 , @etherealstarlightqueen

+ a/n: this fic ended up being way no longer than i expected omg.. but thanks to all who asked to be on the taglist !! some didnt work so im sorry about that </3

like this fic? feel free to go ahead and check out my other works here! -> masterlist

[yiangchen]

it's so tragic funny that while i was watching t100, jroth was so adamant that there was nothing romantic there with bellarke, that it literally made me doubt what was very clearly being written as romantic (and it actually was. like, we know this now. it has been confirmed).

looking back, bellarke could have kissed at so many different points in the show, without changing anything else but having them kiss, and it would have made perfect sense. it would have flowed. it would have aligned with their relationship development.

just think about it. 1x09. unity day. is this a bit early? yes. but do they have the chemistry? yes. and have they had sufficient build up for two characters to have their first kiss? yes. honestly more than a lot of ships that happen in the first season of their show. especially since day trip just happened! plus, the flirting during unity day was...not subtle.

listen...she wanted to kiss him here so bad. seriously though. clarke could have and that would have been a very natural progression of this scene. it would have especially fit the early drop ship days vibe.

(or you could add in a scene where clarke finds him later, now sufficiently buzzed, they flirt some more, then she kisses him, and bellamy's like, "woah, woah, princess, what are you doing?" but he's smiling and she just shrugs with a smile and goes in to kiss him again, saying "having fun", and bellamy says, "you're drunk" and clarke is exasperated saying, "well you told me to!" and bellamy laughs, very amused, and from the look in his eyes, you can tell that he is also very very VERY smitten.)

if you still think that's too soon, yeah, i tend to agree. i love the idea of s1 bellarke in fanfic, but for the show, i prefer a bit more of slowburn. so let's push it to season 2. no, that's not a true slowburn, but still, you had to wait a little for it, and a lot of shows do this successfully. so anyway. 2x05. post iconic reunion hug, shot in a very romantic way i might add.

bellamy is watching clarke sleep by the fire, she wakes, we have some platonic gazing with firelight flickering across their faces...

we all know how the scene goes. he reassures her. he confides in her. she reassures him back.

i'm sorry, but the way they are looking at each other here? dude, if they had been sitting any closer, they could have kissed. i tend to think it would be more in character for clarke to initiate a first kiss with bellamy in s1-4, but in this scene, i 100% could see bellamy going in to kiss her after this.

(and yes, i'm aware that octavia was pretending to be asleep this whole time, but honestly, her reaction to them would have added some much needed levity to the situation. octavia is a bellarke shipper, after all. also, some people might say that this would make clarke's "i love you" to finn less believable, but i disagree. you can have feelings for two people at the same time. i mean, she literally kisses lxa very quickly after finn's death sooo yeah...plus, it would have made the bellarke angst of s2b/3 even better.)

maybe you still want more of a slowburn though, and that is perfectly fair, which brings me to s3, which in my opinion would have been one of the best seasons for canon bellarke. alright. 3x05. hakeldama yup! it was prime time for a first kiss. i mean, all the build up of s1/2 obviously, but also...this had just happened:

but anyway...back to hakeldama. this is the peak of their angst. nothing tops it.

but then, after the heat of the moment, the softness comes in. as it always does with these two. they wind up sharing the softest, most romantic scene in this entire show (fight me).

that last gif, man...at this point, i think they would both go in for the kiss. mutually initiated. god, it would have fit the scene so well!

(some people might say that this would invalidate clarke's love for lxa, considering everything that happens two eps later, but again, i disagree. like i said before, you can have feelings for two people at the same time. people might also say that this would undermine bellamy's relationship with gina, but you know what? the whole fucking narrative undermined that relationship, so i really don't care. i loved gina, but if clarke can kiss lxa right after finn's death, then bellamy can kiss clarke right after gina's death. this show is messy, okay? and bellarke are messy as fuckkkk.)

still think it would be too early? okay. season 4 then. very recently, i realized how easy making bellarke canon in s4 would have been, holyyyy. starting off in 4x03. bellamy is sleeping on the couch and clarke watches him sleep with the softest smile on her face (i'm still crying about this btw). i can't find the right gif, but you all know the smile! then clarke is struggling so bellamy wakes up and is there to support her, making a declaration that has romantic undertones, it just does!

and then clarke lowkey makes a move on him lmao. for real though?? what was this???

i would only change one thing here. he takes a seat beside her first and then puts his hand on her shoulder. so that way they are eye level (aka kissing level).

when she lifts her head off their hands, their faces would be so close. maybe bellamy would tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, not realizing how intimate that kind of thing is until he does it. i could see them kissing here. clarke would initiate. although, i think it would be so much better if it was just an almost kiss. bellamy tells her she should get some sleep right before it happens.

and then in 4x06...

it's actually so funny how she says that and then she's like 'oh no. that sounded like it implied something. i did not mean to imply.'

and bellamy's over here like 'omg she's implying.'

which leads to him literally about to confess. i'm sorry, but there is no other way to interpret....

and of course clarke interrupts, but this is the moment, you guys! this could have been the moment.

right after this, before roan's interruption, there's a pause, and then clarke kisses him. it's a quick one. the kind of kiss where she has both of her hands on his face and he's so stunned by it that his eyebrows raise in surprise and before he can even process that it's happened, she's pulled back and they're looking at each other, a bit in awe, both surprised that she just did that.

then in 4x09, we actually get to see the reunion!! and it's the running kind. just like 2x05. only this time, after they run to each other and hug, bellamy pulls back and takes her face in his hands to examine her for injuries, and once he realizes she's okay, probably after she reassures him and puts a hand on his face, then he kisses her, but they both go in for it (and i cry).

in 4x13, i would change the location of the head and heart scene. somewhere more private...a bedroom (!). so, after this moment:

and bellamy turns away, upset, clarke pulls him back to face her and takes his face in her hands. his eyes are watery. so are hers. she kisses him. one thing leads to another and we get the sex scene we deserved!! then they're lying in bed, cuddling. bellamy's head is on her chest and clarke's playing with his hair. that's when she decides to ruin the moment lmao and continues the head and heart convo with "we've been through a lot together, you and i." i can just see it so well. they would shift so that they're laying on their sides, facing one another. maybe clarke's fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck now. when she says he has a big heart, her palm rests on his bare chest. when she says he has to use his head too, her fingers of her other hand shift from his neck to his temple. when bellamy says, "i've got you for that," clarke kisses him. their foreheads stay touching for a few breathes, then she pulls back to look at him and says that raven's premonition came true. like...am i crazy or would this have worked so well?? literally the same dialogue but...they're together.

(plus, this could have led to clarke raising bellamy's kid--august--along with madi over those six years they are separated, i'm just saying!)

maybe you still think that season 5 was the ultimate time for bellarke to go canon, and you know what? i honestly might just agree. the set up was there with clarke calling bellamy every day for 2,199 days. the potential was there. madi was the biggest bellarke shipper i swear. she wanted them to be together even more than all of us combined i think. for a bellarke kiss though, you would almost have to drastically change the course of events...unless you go with 5x13 and blecho have broken up earlier in the season. after clarke wakes bellamy from cryo (still crying about this moment, yeah!), i could see them having a moment.

before jordan walks in, maybe clarke helps bellamy out of the pod, and once they're both standing, bellamy would finally make his move. instead of bellamy asking why they're the only ones there, clarke does. bellamy tells her, "we'll figure it out, clarke, but first, i have something i wanna say." maybe he does something soft, like take her hand or brush her hair behind her ear. clarke is staring at him, not quite believing what is happening right now, but deep down, she knows. he tells her, "those six years without you were the worst of my life and i don't wanna waste any more time." clarke is wearing a watery smile, still not quite sure she believes what she's hearing. she tells him, "i radioed you every day you were gone." bellamy's whole face lights up and he tells her, "i know." their foreheads touch. both of his hands are cradling her cheeks, her hands are cradling his wrists. she whispers his name. it's the kind of kiss where the time before the kiss is excruciatingly long, but once they kiss, it becomes much more urgent as they finally give in to all of the feelings. god. would have been ICONIC.

plus, they both looked absolutely gorgeous in this scene. hello???

would have been one hell of an aesthetically pleasing first kiss holyyyy. then jordan interrupts and makes some comment about how his mom and dad were right all along :)

if not season 5 though...moving onto season 6. 6x10 to be exact. i know i've said that other times were the ultimate time for canon bellarke, but this episode is too! or right after it in 6x11. there are two scenarios that i see playing out here. (in both, blecho have broken up previously.)

in the first scenario, it's 6x10. as soon as bellamy saves clarke and she wakes up, instead of going in to hug him, i swear when i was watching it that i really thought she was going in for the kiss. that was the one and only time where i legitimately thought they were about to kiss while watching. it had never made more sense than in that moment. even with all of jroth's attempted brainwashing, my mind was stronger in that moment. it saw it coming. or at least i thought i did lmao. i know they didn't actually kiss.

but listen.

they really should have.

clarke is literally looking at him like this:

come on, man.

i usually say that bellamy should be the one initiating post s4, but in this moment, it would have been clarke.

and if not then, the other scenario is that they hug as usual. clarke gets some rest as usual. but when she wakes up in 6x11 and bellamy is at her side, they are in a separate private tent. they have that same conversation that they do. they argue about clarke risking her life again. but then...

he tells her, "hey, i just got you back." he says it firm but soft. i see bellamy initiating the kiss here, especially since he's almost lost her twice now, but once clarke realizes that this is really happening, that after all this time he wants her just as much as she wants him, she would for sure be the one initiating everything else. she would be sitting in his lap making out with him so fast jfsldkjfaslk and you know what? good for her!! they either just kiss a lot here, laying down on the bed, all tangled up together, and then they're interrupted, or maybe, just for once, they're allowed to be happy, uninterrupted, and they sleep together. either way. natural progression.

that's really the point of this longwinded post. so many times it could have happened. all of them a nature progression of the story that was being told.

then comes season 7...

there are no words.

6x13 left them off in a perfect place...

the set up was literally right there! they should have kissed in 7x01!! they should have lived happily ever after with madi in a seaside cabin situated in a field of gold!!

[eepyuii]

frostbite — pt. 10

pairing ; childe x gender neutral!reader

content ; childhood friends to “rivals” to lovers, slowburn-ish

cw ; none. idiots in love

notes ; ITS YEARNING HOURS BAYBEE ‼️ for the first time ever, a bit of childe’s POV, wowie zowie!! also a bit of a cheesy chapter LMFAO, it’s just these two dinguses “reaching” the realization that they want each other so bad, it makes them look stupid.

also a smidgen hint at the end towards the next phase of this dumpster fire of a fic >:3

ok and finally- i know i already made a post abt it but like. would u guys still love me if i posted a luke castellan fic? it’s SO self indulgent bc i’m brain rotting from the percy jackson show so idk yet :>

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old wooden planks creak with each step childe takes.

he’d long lost the count of the days he’d spent in this peculiar inazuman domain— the mystic omnyou chamber, his companions called it. though what a fascinating domain it was, ever-changing and ever-puzzling but most of all, ever-deploying more enemies for him to fight his way through. he feels like only now he truly knows what teucer must’ve felt like in front of all those mr. cyclopses all those months ago.

he felt as though he was given a little too much breathing room by the motherland, still being stationed in liyue with you whoever knows how long his mission was finished, so it was no less than perfect to hear the news of scaramouche’s disappearance from inazuma after taking the gnosis for himself. as much as he disliked to have to leave you in northland bank with the promise of the two of returning together still at hand, he dully needed to take up on his responsibilities as one of her majesty’s harbingers.

still, he could fair by through the remembrance of you and his love for combat.

it’s amusing how freshly burned into his mind the memory of your time together at dottore’s lab was, even when he was half-conscious and at his physically weakest. how you soothed away his wounds with the cool breeze of your cryo powers, how you kept him company while he recovered, how you called him a pret-

“psst— you’re doing that thing again.”

“h-huh..?”

the harbinger is snapped from his daydreaming by paimon naggingly whispering to him. as childe finds himself back in reality, he registers the sight of the traveler, xinyan and shiki taishou walking ahead distractedly through the narrow dusty hallways of the domain, while paimon had fallen back alongside him.

“are you back now? ok good.” the travel guide snides, hands sassily placed at her hips.

childe chuckles sheepishly. “i-i’m sorry, paimon, but i’m not quite sure what you’re talking about.”

“oh, come on, it’s so obvious! the entire time we’ve been here, you’ve been doing this thing where you either doze off thinking about y/n! y’know as someone so passionate about fighting, you really need to get your head in the game right now.”

he feigns an offended scoff. “that is entirely untrue, comrade. my focus is solely on figuring out this domain’s mysteries and defeating its monsters.”

there’s a brief pause, where childe thoroughly reevaluates what paimon just said.

“wait, how did you know i was thinking about y/n? i-if i were dozing off and possibly thinking about them!”

she scoffs. “puh-lease, you’ve been babbling about them since we got here! almost everything you’ve said has somehow trailed off into y/n, so much so that even shiki taishou is caught up on what’s happened with you two!”

paimon was someone known to be a bit eccentric and overreactive at certain moments, but she also had her moments of being very bluntly honest in other situations. this was one of them. the harbinger deliberates for a moment, out of all the time he’s spent venturing this domain with the paper doll, just how much information had he unwillingly retained about you.

suddenly, a moment of clarity washes over childe and he vividly recalls all the moments during his venture in the domain where he’s talked about you. saying things such as ‘i wonder how y/n is doing right now…’, or ‘hah, y/n’s cryo attacks would demolish these enemies.’ or even ‘oh! that reminds of this one time, when y/n and i were kids…’. lest we mention the multiple times he’s said ‘i can’t wait to return to inazuma with y/n and show them this.’ whenever he’d been exploring the electro land’s scenic locations.

poor shiki taishou.

but then again, is it truly his fault that the mystic omnyou chamber had so many moments and details that were so clearly reminiscent of you? o-or maybe… maybe this was just a domain and everything reminded him of you regardless. but that’s the more unlikely possibility.

he curses scaramouche in his mind for a brief moment. it was all because he decided to go rogue that childe had to leave so abruptly— just when he’d made amends with you, just when the two of you were restoring your friendship. just when you’d started to flash him that devastating smile of yours again, instead of the standoffish snarl you’d presented during his mission in liyue. gods, he could feel his heart pang against his chest. surely it was just the adrenaline of battle, though. even if the group hadn’t faced enemies in more than ten minutes by now.

an even further tucked part of childe’s mind curses paimon next, for pointing out how much he speaks of you, because now he truly cannot stop. he looks ahead towards the end of the corridor and he can’t see what’s next, can’t see the next tatami matted arena where he’ll face a new wave of enemies, something he thinks he wants— no, all he sees is you.

it’s like your face is burned into his retinas, your fond laughter burned into brain and the warm feeling of when he slept against your shoulder burned into his skin.

childe doesn’t doesn’t fight as well as before in the next battle, he’s sloppy and distracted. after the arena is cleared, he’s left with a scratch across his bicep— which, thankfully, the domain grants a healing sigil to mend.

but it’ll never cure him like you do, never soothe the very core of his being like your powers do and it’ll never look at him the same way you did, caring and attentive.

he remembers how he felt lookup up at you then— like you were the stars in the night sky. he needed to get this mission over with as soon as possible.

—

you could almost hear your mother’s nagging tone telling you to not play with your food. as delicious as liyuean cuisine was, you’d lost your appetite halfway through your meal- as well as interest in the tale the restaurant’s storyteller was telling.

it’d been probably the dullest week you’ve had in a while, no new assignments from the motherland, no events happening in the city and… admittedly, no childe.

you can’t find the effort to lie to yourself and say it’s fine that he’s gone, that it’s for the tsaritsa’s noble cause— you don’t care about it. scaramouche could screw off with the gnosis and live his life, as far as you were concerned. in fact, you’d say he deserves it, given all he’s gone through with the doctor, even if he could be an astronomical asshole at times— well most of the times.

and now you can’t decide who to blame for childe’s absence, the balladeer or the tsaritsa. either way, it’s affected you more than you’d ever admit out loud. it’s been such a monotone week not just because of the distinct lack of anything to do in liyue lately, but also because of a distinct lack of… someone to worry about. yeah, that’s what it was, just an unusual sense of calm and nothing to stress over, that’s all—

“even in all my years, i’ve rarely seen someone stare at an unfinished bowl of dragon beard noodles with such intensity.”

a rumbling, baritone voice quips jokingly from across your small table and you’re startled away from your thoughts. looking up, the comment is revealed to come from mr. zhongli, the consultant from wanshe— oh, who were you kidding, the now former geo archon.

you hadn’t formerly spoken to him since the mission to take, well, his gnosis. after the situation with osial was diffusd, you beared witness to an unsettlingly diplomatic exchange between mr. zhongli and the fair lady, where he gave away the very culmination of his divinity like it was spare change. of course, you’ve spotted him countless times around the harbor— merely enjoy the little things the city had to offer. you can’t truly fault him for making the decision that he did, six thousand years is, unspokenly, too much time to not peruse the fruits of his labor from up close.

“a-ah, mr. zhongli! it’s been so long since we last spoke.” you scramble to politely greet zhongli and briefly wonder if you should stand up to bow to him, which he seems to notice.

“my apologies for startling you, doctor— may i?” he gestures to the seat in front of you and you nod.

“yes, it has been some time. i recall you being there for the completion of my contract with the fair lady, but the last time the two of us had the opportunity to meet casually was the very same night we first met.”

you nod curtly— you’re tense, you don’t know why. you know he’s not an archon anymore, you were there to see it, but perhaps the real weight of being in the presence of someone so powerful, not just an archon but the oldest of the original seven, seems to have only settled in now. you feel almost as choked as when in the presence of the tsaritsa, which you know all the same that you shouldn’t be. zhongli chuckles amusedly.

“i ask you to treat me as though you would’ve that night in liuli pavilion, like any other acquaintance. chatting with a mere consultant of a funeral parlor requires no formalities. now— have you been well, doctor?”

you can still only bring yourself to nod wordlessly in response, there’s no need for zhongli to know how royally miserable you’ve been lately.

“and.. may i ask why you held such a glare towards your meal? is it not your liking?”

“oh, no the noodles are just fine, amazing even! i was just… contemplating wether to finish it or not.”

great cover.

“hm,” zhongli hums with playful suspicion. “while a reasonable topic of contemplation, it did very much seem as though you were rather staring through the bowl, as though there is something on your mind. i would not mind hearing what is it that vexes you, doctor— if you’re comfortable to share, of course.”

yeah there was no fooling a, again, six thousand year old divine being with a half-assed excuse like yours. you sigh.

“well— yes, you caught me. the last few days have been, uh… less than peachy for me.”

“what exactly is it troubles you these days?”

“i wouldn’t say it’s trouble but, there hasn’t been much to do at northland bank lately. and childe has been out on a mission for some time now— b-but it’s mainly the lack of assignments!” you stammer.

“is that so? i did hear of childe’s sudden departure for inazuma but it is curious that you’re being kept stationed here with essentially nothing to do. but, if i may— has childe been absent for as long as you’ve felt dull at work or would you say there is no relation?”

already at so few words out of sheer nervousness, zhongli managed still to render you completely and utterly speechless. what are you even supposed to respond to this?

“i-i uhm, i… alright, i won’t even try.” you sigh in defeat and zhongli looks coyly pleased. he patiently awaits for you to gather your thoughts and actually say more than two stammered sentences.

“i truly can’t tell what it is. i feel like i’m supposed to be worrying for him— as if he’ll get injured again or injure someone else o-or even worse, do something stupid but there’s just.. nothing! it’s like i’m so used to being aware of his presence and now there’s nothing and it’s- it’s frustrating.”

“you miss him.”

you pause. do you miss him? no, it can’t be so simple— you have a medical degree, it is most certainly improbable that you’ve been trying your brain over just missing childe. well, sure it was great that the two of you were starting to make amends and stopped being so on-edge around each other but… there’s no objective reason for you to miss him.

right?

“i would not say i even near the level of an expert on matters concerning relationships between people, but i’ve seen a lot in my time. enough to tell you with confidence that it’s most likely you just.. miss him, doctor. and that it is okay to feel this way. the two of you do not stand at odds anymore, you never have— it is reasonable for you to be affected by his absence.”

you furrow your eyebrows. “how do you know if… childe and i stand at odds, mr. zhongli.”

“well, i have witnessed it. both directly and indirectly— the tension and misunderstanding between the two of you during our meeting at liuli pavilion was quite evident and i’ve heard of how you opposed him in battle at the golden house. but that is all it has ever been, misunderstandings and disagreements, but you’ve never truly disliked each other.”

“h-how do you know-“

“he speaks quite highly of you, doctor.”

“wh-what?”

“childe has only ever spoken highly of you— i recall mentioning that had been looking forward to meeting you in person during our dinner, it is all because of how grand his description of you was. plus, during our eventual meetups, you’re mentioned at least once every time. and you, as we’ve discussed, do seem to hold some care towards him, to the extent that you first concern is his health.”

your heart aches and you hate it. it’s a terrible, void sensation that frustrates you to no end. why? why did childe have to make it so difficult for you? why can’t you ever feel simple feelings when it came to him? why couldn’t you ever just feel one way towards him with no smaller part of your brain saying something else? even worse, why couldn’t your brain ever think about anything else— literally anything, instead of just constantly orbiting around the mixed emotions you felt when it came to childe?

you just constantly, restlessly and unendingly seem to care about him.

“you know what, mr. zhongli, i think y—“

“ah, there you are, sergeant!”

a less familiar voice calls out from behind you and you turn around with a bit of surprise— it’s a man clad in fatui uniform, who you recognize as mikhail, one of the officers stationed at northland bank. he’s not exactly someone you interact much with, just a mere coworker you greet every other morning, so you’re perplexed as to why he’s seeking you outside the bank.

“mikhail, what is the occasion?” you ask, briefly eyeing zhongli to find that he remains with a neutral expression awaiting the exchange.

“i am deeply sorry for interrupting your lunch, sergeant, but ekaterina urged for me to find you as soon as i could. a letter has come in from lord dottore for you specifically— she says it is of utmost importance.”

—

the wharf is unusually crowded today.

an untimely flux of either tourists or returning immigrant citizens, perhaps it is an important time of year in another nation— although, childe could truly care less at the moment. he’s doing his best to politely push his way through the sea of people leaving their respective ships while almost unconsciously seeking you out within it. he knows you wouldn’t be here, as his return to liyue was unannounced, but his eyes fly to latch onto your likeness anyway.

childe ends up finding you right in the center of the harbor’s main street, practically right below the catwalks that lead to the bank. you’re slowly pacing back and forth, a piece of paper clutched in your hands and a vacant expression on your face— childe can’t find himself to clutch to those details right now, he just needs to get to your side. he makes large, determined steps towards you, big grin invading his features, and while he’s still approaching you, you spot him and your eyes widen even more. once childe is a mere two steps away from you, he stops.

“y/n! oh, it’s so good to see you!” he heaves out gladly.

“ajax—“ you reply in a quiet voice and his heart swells at the use of his real name. he truly can’t contain himself anymore and tackles you into a tight hug, one so strong that stumble back a bit.

his arms snake tightly from under your arms to above your shoulders and his head lowers from being against your own to reaching your shoulder blade— it is as close as he physically get to you, while trying to be respectful of your space, of course. you’re still in shock for maybe five seconds of the hug, but eventually you just let yourself slowly wrap around him and squeeze ever so slightly. both of you have your eyes closed to sink into the moment.

the hug is long, maybe twenty seconds so, and as childe becomes satisfied with its duration and pulls away, he remains with his hands to your elbows in a gentle hold. he sighs with said satisfaction and beams towards you.

“i have so much to tell you about inazuma! unfortunately, i couldn’t find scaramouche there but i managed to see so many beautiful places, so many amazing experie- wait.. what’s wrong?”

the harbinger pauses mid sentence when he notices the numbness in your expression and his bright grin falls into a concerned frown— you feel like the most terrible person for making him lose such excitement. your mouth opens and closes as you find what to say, but you eventually whisper it out.

“ajax, i-i… i have to go to sumeru.”

taglist ; @kentply @osaemu @rain-and-a-nice-nap @koichirana

[wetcatspellcaster]

I saw you respond that you a very much not an SJM fan 😅 fair enough but I did want to ask what books/series you did like or would recommend that are of a fantasy/romantasy vibe!

lmfao, i am destined to become known for my parasocial enmity with the wingspan lady on this hellsite.

I don't read stuff with the same vibe as SJM all that often anymore. I used to read a lot of paranormal romance but the heteronormativity of SJM clones was upsetting me, so I've turned more towards the romance genre or just straight up fanfic these days.

So these recommendations might not be the perfect overlap but-!

Books with Fey Romances that are good

Holly Black, for all your fey needs. Tithe is the OG (and if you like sad men with white hair, have I got a blorbo for you!) but The Cruel Prince is her most popular series, that most people have read. The Darkest Part of the Forest is also an amazing standalone novel with a bit more creepiness than the other two. Not very explicit sex.

Olivia Atwater's Half A Soul and Ten Thousand Stitches are regency romance novels with fey associations, the first book is about a girl under a fairy curse and the second is about a fairy himbo trying his best at being a fairy godmother. No sex, that I can remember.

Heather Fawcett's Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Fairies. I've talked about this book a lot. If you like my fanfic, you will like this book, because this book was written for Me specifically. Not very explicit sex.

The Falconer series by Elizabeth May. This is the closest in this list to what SJM writes, only this is. um. better. Much sex, but also just... 'what if we started an apocalypse together, and the guilt meant I was scared to touch you, but we've got nothing else to live for now so why shouldn't I just do it?'

Fantasy Books with Good Romance

T Kingfisher's Swordheart and Nettle & Bone - both standalone novels. Swordheart is just Howl x Sophie dynamics, if Howl was a martial class, and also. A sword. Some sexiness.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik (if we count the love interests as both the hot sexy wizard man AND the protagonist's gal pal). Some sexiness.

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. If you like your immortal/mortal romances, this is a pretty stellar read tbh. Some sexiness.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan. This is such a fun book just generally but the slowburn of a 7 year high school romance sent me a little feral actually. Some sexiness.

Daevabad trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. Now, this one is a little bit evil bc its an epic fantasy trilogy that is quite dense, and the romance is amazing but it takes a WHILE. *I* can write an evil slowburn, but there is nothing more evil than what happened in these books bc everyone is so fucking repressed. Alternatively, The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by the same author, which cut to the chase a lot quicker, romance-wise.

Fantasy Books that are 😌😌 sexy 😌😌

The Dark Days Club by Alison Goodman. This is my favourite paranormal romance I've read in recent years, and they don't even have sex but I'm putting it here because um. they did. to me. That's what happens when you write a regency romance where if a woman takes of a man's coat they have 37 horny thoughts about it in real time. Imagine if Darcy and Elizabeth for P&P were also fighting demons at the same time as falling in love (not metaphorically. literal demons.)

Mating the Huntress by Talia Hibbert. Talia Hibbert's books in general fucking slap but I wish she'd written more paranormal romance than just this ONE story bc um. This was. um. Good.✌️

A Marvellous Light and A Restless Truth by Freya Marske. Freya Marske is also a popular fanfic author, and it shows with the way she writes sex.

That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming. This author is the one who went briefly viral bc she accidentally has a book cover with Astarion on it lmao. This book was the first in that series, and unfortunately it wasn't for me (dragon shifter porn, I did *not* know going in) but the sex was really, really well-written, if that's something you could be into.

[raayllum]

I just finished Book 5, and do you think that Ezra’s arc will have him learn that words aren’t enough? Some fans do think that he’s the least emphasized of the Dragang

I don't think Ezran is going to learn that words aren't enough (they have been, often times in his life, and trying non violent routes are important) but I do think he's going to be presented with more and more situations where it is, as he acknowledges, "Not that simple" (4x03).

In Arc 1, you had the transformative trio of characters (Callum, Rayla, Soren) who were rapidly changing as people versus the more "circumstances change and drag out certain personality traits either more or less" stagnated trio (Ezran, Viren, Claudia). In Arc 2 thus far, it seems that Soren, Claudia, and Ezran are the 'stagnant' ones and Viren, Callum, and Rayla are the transformative ones. That being said, I do think S5 focused on Ezran as much as S4 focused on Rayla, so it's not surprising there's a bit of a trade off (especially with Janai very much being a Main Character in arc 2) with Callum (always our main Main protagonist) getting a decent amount every season. There's definitely a lack of Ezran in the first four episodes (he gets about one scene a-piece) but I do think it's over quality > quantity, in some ways. (Bow from She-Ra for example is in every single episode of that series, but gets very little by way of arcs or conflict or interiority, y'know?)

That said:

I talked about this a bit more in a podcast review I did for the season / this meta, but I think Soren and Ezran are having slowburn arcs that will come to fruition in S6. Soren, after all, hasn't really changed as a character since the end of S3 - he's on team good guy, he's reaffirming his choices and love for his friends, he still cares for Claudia and still views his father as a cruel villain (which, Viren is/can be).

Ezran, likewise, is dealing with his own well, slowburn of problems. In a lot of ways, Ezran has to hold it together when everyone else is falling apart (Rayla is MIA, Callum is a mess; staying level headed even when they're arguing; being the main negotiator seemingly between the Pentarchy and the dragons of Xadia; and ruling is own kingdom). He takes his duties seriously and wants to broker peace further, if maybe a tad faster than people are ready for. Like Janai says, I think, his priorities have changed since becoming king. His duty first and foremost is to his kingdom/the world. (Not that it wasn't his mindset before, but it wasn't his responsibility before pre-series, y'know?) Which is very Rayla of him, I think ("I let them all down" in 3x04 / "I just feel like I'm letting everybody down" for Ez in 3x03).

And we see how much this weighs on Ezran based on how heavily he takes responsibility for his perceived and or literal mistakes. Whether it's speeding things up too fast / not giving enough room for his people's, or his own anger...

E: I had a speech planned for today. It was about peace and love and hope. But I think I left something out. I ignored something that was true. I denied something that is undeniable.

or in doing the right thing in saving the Baitlings, but putting his friends in danger.

And Soren acknowledges that this isn't really fair for Ezran, either:

Soren: This is all too heavy. It's not fair you have to struggle through this alone. You deserve time to do kid stuff. If you spend all your time doing adult stuff now, you'll grow up weird, like your brother and Rayla.

Now, on the certain level, Ezran is alone because he's like - he's the King, and that's its own unique position. However, if you look at how close Viren and Harrow, and Harrow and Sarai were, in their decision making, they did everything together. In spite of being a single dad, Harrow was never alone in what he did as king (for better or for worse): "I accept that tonight I may pay the price for our mistakes."

So I think it's interesting this emphasis on loneliness/alone in the same season we have Amaya and Rayla's conversation about it too:

A: My big sister Sarai was the smartest, strongest, bravest person I knew. When she died, I felt lost and weak without her.

I hated feeling that way, so I learned to be strong alone. Stoic, strong, and lonely. [...] To have that kind of strength, it is not enough to love someone. You have to trust them to share the burdens you're carrying.

So who does Ezran depend on to carry that burden with him? Because Ezran isn't supposed to be alone as king, and Harrow spelled it out for us:

When I am gone your brother Ezran will become king, and you will be his partner, his defender, and his closest advisor.

So the question is... has Callum really fulfilled his role for his brother? Callum isn't crownguard, so actually protecting Ezran is primarily in Soren and Corvus' hands, exemplified by Soren being the one to get angry over the ruined painting in 4x03, to run to Ezran in 4x09, and for Callum to be absent from the Dragon mission in S5. And when Callum is there to have a duty to fulfil:

Then we see the brothers - not Ezran and Rayla - disagree on how to proceed forward with Aaravos, getting momentarily a little heated before they both turn to Rayla (and remember those Rayla parallels I mentioned earlier?):

Now, it's not surprising that Ezran wants to take the diplomatic / least violent route. He's the one primarily appealing to Akiyu rather than barrelling onwards, and expresses great concern for her (even after she tried to kill them). Claudia thinks she can appeal to him in 5x09 because of his empathy. A more compassionate, reasonable route is what he's always done, trying to reason evenly with Finnegrin and with Rex Igneous, even if it doesn't precisely work out... simply because they, like his brother, don't exactly Value the same things Ezran does.

Alright, so the broyals disagreed once, and Callum is a little flighty as a High Mage. So what? Well: Callum now knows, and has already committed himself, to helping Rayla free her parents from the coins, including Runaan.

And Ezran's short story going into S5 hints that this may not exactly be something he's happy about:

Ezran gripped the arrow tight. The thing in his hands was a terrible letter, the ribbon its message: the king of Katolis was dead. King Harrow. His father. Something cold lurched inside him. He fought against it. He’d fought it before, that same hurt, years ago—when he’d found out what really happened that night in Katolis. Still, it haunted him. He couldn’t help but imagine the scene, all of it playing out like grim theater before him, as though he’d been there, as though he’d stood by and watched it happen. That Moonshadow elf upon the castle ramparts, skulking toward his father’s chambers. 

It stared up at him. Ezran felt a coldness twist its way around his heart. It took his lungs, too, and for a long moment he could not breathe, could not feel anything but an unfamiliar anger so potent it seized the whole of him, inside and out. Ezran stepped towards the arrow— —and stomped down on it as hard as he could. He wished he were bigger, stronger, he wished his boots were made of iron and not something soft. Still, it was enough. When he pulled his foot away, Ezran glared down at the arrow’s hawkish head, flattened and broken. Its ruby eye slipped from its socket, its black metal bent like frayed feathers. He left it there in the dark.

Full short story here.

So Ezran is going to find out, or possibly feel, that Callum and Rayla are keeping a secret from him (again, just like S2, which didn't make him happy then, either). Callum is going to side with Rayla over him if he mandates that Runaan shouldn't or can't be freed, giving into his anger and grief much the same way his father did. He may pull rank - and Callum is going to disregard it. A very similar fallout repeating itself...

Ezran being increasingly isolated (especially if Callum and Rayla are working, or leaving, to find the Starscraper), his disapproval and grief, trying to manage the possible fallout of Zubeia being injured/MIA, feeling undervalued and disregarded by his brother... There's little doubt in my mind that Callum and Ezran (and Rayla) will reconcile and find their way back to one another, healing their hurts, but Ezran has a lot of potential anger and angst to express and a lot on his upcoming plate, steadily added to and set up by the previous seasons.

Which in a lot of ways, makes sense. Ezran as king and Callum as high mage, and as brothers, have to prove they won't fall apart the same way that King Harrow and Viren did, more necessary than ever now that Callum has done dark magic again. Ezran was there to pick up the pieces after Rayla left, but he may still have anger over that and their joint secret keeping from him / feeling like they're treating him 'unfairly' like a child. We've also never really seen Ezran have this type of conflict before, nevermind for the trio as a whole (most of the time it's been Callum and Rayla disagreeing, a couple brief instances of Ez and Rayla, and Callum and Ez a few times in S1 / 5x05) so for Ezran to be what starts falling apart would really rattle all three of him, and seems to be where he's headed, character wise.

And I for one cannot wait to see it.

TLDR; Ezran's slow burn arc, much like Soren's, is being steadily set up and is going to likely be a big focus in the next two seasons, pushing him and other characters in brand new directions and with some really emotional, powerful storytelling to upstage our previously held status quo in all the ways.

[kikyoupdates]

Changing Plotlines ⭑˚💞⭑ 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑠𝑜 𝑖𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑠

yandere!ocs x f!reader

yandere, reverse harem, yandere reverse harem, original characters x fem!reader, slowburn, isekai

A desperate cry on your deathbed leads to you being given a fresh start at life. You're overjoyed at having finally obtained a healthy body and a real chance at living normally, only to discover that you've been transported into a yandere game, where danger lurks at every corner. Determined to protect your new life at any cost, you vow to stay as far away from the major characters of the game as possible. But things don't always go as planned.

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Thus far, your second day of classes seemed to be going much better than the first. Your unfortunate run-in with Cassius had made you feel extra nervous about everything, but you begrudgingly made the effort to act as normal as possible. No more ducking under bushes or spying on people, even if your mind was running a hundred miles a minute at pretty much every moment of the day.

You were aware of the fact that you were being paranoid—perhaps too much, actually—and you had to consciously remind yourself that so long as you blended in with the crowd, no misfortune would befall you.

With the intent of acting as if nothing was wrong, you spent the day on campus like any other student would. You attended your lectures, took notes, and enjoyed a warm meal in the so-called “cafeteria”, which was really underselling it quite a bit, since it was just about as lavish as the dining rooms you had back in your manor.

Everything was going well. You were keeping your head down and making sure that your expression didn’t betray the storm of emotions you were repressing.

It was actually quite fun, if you were being honest. Well, so long as you deliberately pretended like the yandere love interests didn’t exist.

The person behind the mysterious voice still had yet to reveal themselves to you, but it felt like they were chiming in more and more lately. Perhaps it wouldn’t be much longer until you could finally get some answers.

With a campus as beautiful as Central Academy’s, it was hard not to revel in the amazing opportunity you’d been given, even if it did come with its fair share of difficulties. You were almost tempted to stay behind after your classes ended, just to wander around and visit different buildings that you hadn’t gotten the chance to see yet, but it was probably best that you get home as soon as possible. You were at your most vulnerable when you were all alone, not to mention that the carriage driver was expecting you.

Which is why you made a beeline for the academy’s front gates once you were done for the day. And as you did, you happened to hear something.

Something... concerning.

“Please, stop!”

“Haha. Aw. I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings? I didn’t realize commoners were quite so sensitive. I suppose I thought you'd be sturdier after tilling fields and waiting tables for a living.”

You flinched. It wasn’t the first time you’d heard that before. In fact, it was a word-for-word reenactment of the game’s dialogue. You didn’t even need to turn around to know who’d spoken it.

It could be none other than the villainess who’d had it out for Flora since day one, Theresa Simmons.

Still, you did turn, because it was strangely bewitching to watch the scene unfold in real life. The event took place very early at the start of the game, only a day after Flora’s meeting with Cassius. Flora’s circumstances were rather unique since she’d been recently adopted and granted her noble status. Many of the other nobles didn’t openly express their judgment towards her, but the fact was that the majority of them looked down on Flora and still considered her a commoner, regardless of her new place in society. And Theresa was the worst of the bunch. She was notoriously arrogant, which is why the second she’d found out that someone like Flora was meant to attend the same academy as her, she’d made it a point to start tormenting her.

“Please,” Flora repeated, whimpering slightly. Theresa wasn’t the only one harassing her. Several of Theresa’s lackeys had surrounded Flora and were chuckling at her miserable expression, unwilling to let her leave. “I don’t mean any trouble. I just want to go home...”

“Go home?” one of the other noblewomen sneered. “Why in Zodin’s name would you want to do that? We’re having fun now, aren’t we? You’re new here, and we’re being considerate enough to spend time with you. Shouldn’t you be thanking us for our hospitality?”

“Not only is she of low birth, but she doesn’t know any shame either,” Theresa tutted in disappointment. She then kicked Flora across the ankle, making her trip and fall to the ground, getting a face-full of dirt in the process.

You found yourself wincing. Flora’s pretty white dress was now covered in grass stains, and she was crying while spitting up clumps of dry dirt. You’d already seen this entire scene before, from beginning to end, but now that you were actually here, as a real person with the means to interfere and make it all stop...

Yeah, it didn’t feel so good.

“Oh, heavens,” one of the other women giggled. “Miss Theresa, look at her! She’s actually crying! I can’t believe it. She’s such a child!”

Theresa stared down at Flora’s dirty, tear-streaked face and bit back a grin. “Oops. Pardon me. I’m a bit clumsy, I must admit. Sometimes I struggle to control my limbs properly. You won’t hold it against me, will you?”

The group of villainous women began to cackle harmoniously. The worst part wasn’t even the bullying. You hadn’t taken much notice of it back when you’d been playing the game, but now that you were actually here, you could see just how many people were passing Flora by, completely ignoring her suffering. So many people could have stepped in when something was very clearly wrong, but none of them so much as batted an eye. It was different for you, at least. You were avoiding interfering with the plot because you knew just how insane some of the characters in this world could be, but they didn’t have any fear or paranoia that was preventing them from lending a helping hand.

They just didn’t care. And it was always like that. No matter the place, no matter what world you lived in, people always seemed to be perfectly content to go on with their lives, even when a few moments of their time could be the difference between night and day for those in need.

Nobody was going to help her, and you felt guiltier by the second just standing by and watching it unfold.

Grimacing, you averted your gaze.

No, I have no reason to interfere. I really wish I could, but I need to look out for my own skin. It’s not my fault. There’s nothing I can do.

The academy’s gates weren’t even that far off. All you had to do was face straight ahead and march away, putting all of this behind you. This was an inevitable part of the plot. Besides, Theresa’s bullying was really nothing in the large scheme of things, not when the yanderes were capable of so much worse.

Your body was screaming at you to get a move on. Slowly, reluctantly, you moved a few steps forward. The guilt was a painful, unpleasant feeling, but you could do this. It was fine. You weren’t a saint, and there was no point in pretending like you were.

You were walking now.

Unfortunately, you were walking in the wrong direction.

“I hate myself sometimes,” you groaned, pulling at your hair. Your stupid conscience had gotten the best of you, but your reasoning was that Theresa herself wasn’t actually dangerous, she was just a massive bitch. Apart from the bullying, she’d never conspired to kill Flora or give her any serious injuries. Unlike with the yanderes, you could easily handle an unpleasant encounter with her.

Probably.

Just this once, you were going to speak up. And it was really more to ease your guilt than anything else. You could go on knowing that you hadn’t totally turned a blind eye, and your safety wouldn’t have been compromised either.

How exactly were you going to put a stop to this? Well...

Throwing your shoe would probably do the trick.

“OW!”

As luck would have it, you somehow managed to hit her right on the face, and she immediately doubled over from the pain, while clutching at her nose.

“Who did that?!” another one of the noblewomen cried out. It didn’t long for them to lock eyes with you, the only person missing one shoe, and grinning cheekily, to boot.

“Ah, sorry,” you blinked. “I was aiming for her head, not her face.”

Theresa let out a nightmarish howl. “My face! You hit me right on the face! I-I must be bleeding! I’m bleeding, aren’t I?”

She turned towards one of her lackeys, who merely shook her head. “Uh, no. Don’t worry, Miss Theresa. Your face is just a bit red—”

“I am bleeding! I can feel it!”

Well, she was damn good at being dramatic, that was for sure.

It took a few moments, but she eventually collected herself and straightened up, although she was still pressing a palm to her nose and sniffling pathetically.

“J-Just who in the hell do you think you are?!” she hollered, doing a terrible job of being intimidating. When you thought back to what atrocities the yanderes committed, she really was small-time. Actually, she even ended up dying in some of the endings.

After spending twenty years battling illness and chronic pain, handling a bully wasn’t such a big ordeal.

“That’s beside the point,” you sighed. “Seriously, you do realize how lame it is to harass someone for no reason, right? If word got out to higher members of the faculty, it could be really embarrassing. I don’t think it’ll do your reputation any favors.”

Theresa’s eyes widened. “What are you...? Is that a threat?”

“I don’t know, is it?”

“You’re threatening me!”

“Sure, I guess so. But really all you need to do is act like a decent person, so it’s hardly that big of a threat...”

“Miss Theresa, perhaps we should get going,” another one of the noblewomen said, looking a bit spooked by your declaration. Bullying seemed to be totally on the table for them, so long as nobody with authority got involved. Cowards.

“My nose still hurts,” Theresa whined, repeatedly wiping at it, even though it was very much not bleeding. They’d been insulting Flora and calling her a child earlier, yet here she was, incapable of taking what she was dishing out.

“I still have another shoe,” you warned, reaching down towards your foot.

“You’re a villain,” Theresa gritted out. This time, you were certain you caught a stray tear rolling down her cheek, but coming from someone who’d just hurt another person and delighted in their suffering, you really didn’t feel bad about it.

“Okay, hypocrite.” You smiled brightly while waving her and the rest of her posse off. “Bye-bye!”

Phew. That felt good.

The guilt from earlier had officially cleared. Violence was never really the solution, but you hoped you’d scared her off a bit. Theresa’s involvement in the plot was nothing super major; she was just there to be a pest and give Flora a hard time, which had the potential to rile up some of the yanderes. There was certainly nothing to be lost if Theresa eased up on the bullying a little, even if it unfortunately didn’t change Flora’s terrible fate.

Anyways, this was it. The last time you ever got involved, in any way, shape, or form. You wished Flora nothing but the best, but you had too much to lose by becoming her knight in shining armor.

As soon as Theresa and the others were gone, you put your shoe back on and scurried away.

Except Flora was following you.

“Um,” she called out nervously. She really was a sweet, innocent thing. Even more so right now, covered in grime and with puffy red eyes. “T-Thank you for helping me. I really, truly appreciate what you did.”

You strained a smile. “Uh... don’t mention it. Seriously.”

“I’m Flora,” she introduced, completely blind to the fact that you knew practically everything about her. “What is your name? I’d like to repay you for your kindness, however I can.”

Ugh, this was awkward. You weren’t planning on sticking around and chatting afterwards, especially since you had no intention of ever seeing her again.

“I just did what anyone else would’ve done,” you brushed off. “Hopefully those women will think twice before bothering you again. Anyways, don’t worry about it. It really wasn’t a big deal.”

You tried to leave yet again, but Flora kept on trailing behind you like a little lost puppy. “It is a big deal,” she insisted. “I only just started at the academy yesterday, and they latched onto me the second I got here. They didn’t bother to hide how they were treating me because they knew nobody would try to help. Perhaps the others are actually happy that I’m being bullied like this...”

“Right,” you swallowed. “People suck.”

Seriously, they did.

“Will you please tell me your name?” Flora asked again, her eyes twinkling like pale blue jewels.

I shouldn’t tell her my name. A fake name would be better. It’s not like she’ll ever find out that I’m lying, anyways.

Right. You could do that. You could definitely lie. Lie to this sweet, kind lady, with a smile so bright it was almost criminal...

“[Name],” you blurted. “I’m [Name].”

Fuck me.

Flora’s smile somehow got even brighter. “Oh, how lovely. It’s a beautiful name. [Name]. Hehe. Just saying it aloud is already lifting my spirits.”

It wasn’t fair that she was so cute. This was cheating. She was hacking the game. And seriously, you needed to get going. This couldn’t happen again. You’d helped her once and told her your name, but there would be no further interactions.

“[Name], if you don’t mind, would you like to—”

“I’m sorry, I’m in a rush and I really need to leave! Bye!”

You proceeded to run faster than you’d ever run before, in heels, no less. That familiar guilty sensation was prickling you again, but you couldn’t keep dwelling on it. You weren’t a bad person. You just needed to look out for yourself.

Sorry, Flora. It’s nothing personal. I hope that you’ll at least end up on one of the best routes.

You obviously knew that actions had consequences, but at the time, you had no idea that Flora would never forget this moment, not for the rest of her life.

Oh, balls.

The next day, you awoke to Lizbell excitedly telling you that you’d received a present—a large gift basket filled with sweets, tea, and an assortment of other treats. In the basket was also a letter, addressed from none other than Flora herself.

“Dearest [Name], 

I hope the suddenness of this gift doesn’t surprise you too much. I thought it was the least I could do to thank you for your kindness. I just hope that you will not take offense at such a meager offering. You have no idea how much I appreciate you standing up to those cruel women for me. You interfered even when you had nothing to gain from it. Something like that takes bravery, and character. One day, I would like to say that I have saved you the way you saved me, but perhaps I am being naïve by hoping to become as great of a person as you are.

Either way, I wanted to thank you once more, and to take this opportunity to ask if you might be interested in meeting up for tea together sometime soon. I would be immensely grateful for any opportunity to speak to you again.  

Warm regards,  

Flora Tillberry.”  

Well, uh, this wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all.

Your parents were beaming at you the whole time as you read over the note. “Isn’t this lovely?” they hummed. “It seems that you’ve already made such a good friend at school. As expected of our daughter.”

“We’re not friends,” you said sadly. In truth, you very much wished you could be friends, but it was just far too risky.

“Oh? But she’s even gone out of her way to send you a gift, and she speaks about you so fondly in the note. We know we shouldn’t have peeked, but curiosity got the best of us...”

“It’s fine. But we really aren’t friends. We only spoke for a little.”

“Acquaintances, then. But soon to become friends, no doubt.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

You nibbled on your bottom lip. Obviously, they wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t the sort of thing you could explain. Your parents were amazing, but even they would think you were batshit crazy if you told them the reality of your situation.

“I just think we’re a little too different to get along,” you lied. “She seems nice enough, but I’m sure there are plenty others I could hit it off with better.”

They exchanged confused glances. “Well... if you say so. Just do whatever feels natural.”

“Yep. Will do.”

“Alright, then. Will you still be keeping everything that came in the basket?”

“I mean, there’s no point in wasting it.”

“Haha. That sounds like you,” they chuckled. “In that case, we’ll leave you be. But be sure to at least send that young lady a letter back thanking her for the gift. It’s the polite thing to do.”

“Of course,” you reassured, smiling brightly.

The second they left your room, your smile dropped.

You felt absolutely horrible about it, but there was no chance you were going to respond to the letter. Clearly, Flora was hoping to become friends with you, and that would put you right in the middle of all the chaos that would ensue. This is where you really had to put your foot down. You needed to actually live selfishly and focus on your own problems.

You crumpled up Flora’s letter and threw it away, ignoring the tightness in your chest.  

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[spicerackofblorbos]

Chapter 5: March

☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world

☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence (to be continued as writing is ongoing)

☾ Author's note ➼ Hey guys! So uh, this chapter is a lot. In a lot of ways lol. There's some fluff, there's some slight angst. Overall, there's finally some explanations that I hope ties the whole story together. I hope y'all like it because I've been kicking myself over this chapter ALONE.

☾ Word Count ➼ ~9.1k (please don't hurt me)

You can’t help but tug at the thin fabric that scratched at your skin as you pull yourself out of the driver’s side of Hange’s car. The red dress trailing down your figure sat pretty loose, but it was not comfortable to you in the slightest. Come to think of it, it wasn’t just the fabric that made you uncomfortable, it was the fact that Hange had talked you into dressing up in the first place.

While Hange spent many days gathering the things needed for her costume, you opted for something you already had shoved in the back of your closet from a Halloween party a couple years ago. And now, you were about to meet Erwin and Levi in said costume when you didn’t even know if they were into this kind of thing. You pull on your flowing sleeves in anxiety as your sister gets out of the passenger side, fixing their eye patch to sit better on their face.

“We made it!” They shriek in the cool, early spring air. They were donned in a casual pirate get up with a loose brown tricorn resting on their ever-frazzled hair. A fake cutlass hung from their hip as well as other colorful bits and bobbles. They look confident and energized as they look over to you with a wide eye.

“Well, let’s go find them! Erwin just texted me that they’re waiting by the admission booths.” You both close the car doors at the same time and you make sure to lock the car with the keys before shoving them down into your small cross-body purse.

Your heart flutters as you're reminded again of the two men waiting for you, of the specific one you were nervous about seeing again. Or was it excitement? You weren’t certain. Yanking on your dress again, you follow on Hange’s heels as they trek to the front gates of the Jinae Renaissance Faire.

Not long after do the admission gates show themselves to you both. As you step up to the line, you start to open your purse to pay when Hange grabs your arm and tugs you out of it, muttering something about it already being taken care of. When you give her a disgruntled look, she’s looking off to the side as she screams.

“There you are! I barely recognized you two!” They start pulling you in that direction as you struggle to zip your bag up through the rough bouncing of your running. When you look up, you see two figures, one tall and one short. Erwin and Levi. Your heart practically stops as you realize why you didn’t recognize them at first.

Erwin is dressed as a knight, his helmet tucked under his arm. You’re not sure if the silver reflecting off the sun is from real metal or not, but it’s quite the look regardless. He’s grinning down at you, and it made him look like a very handsome, well, knight in shining armor.

Levi stands next to him, arms crossed over his chest and he’s staring straight at you with a look you couldn’t discern, you don’t notice the way his eyes widen in recognition for a second. His stark gray eyes are covered by a black mask. He’s also wearing a solid black pirate-esque costume, gloves included. You gasp because you knew this costume. You knew it because you had dressed up as his character’s counterpart.

“Well, well, well. Look at what we have here!” Hange exclaims as they stop short in front of them. You wave to them with a wavering smile and then point to Levi’s get up, flicking your finger up and down his body with a furrowed brow as a way to ask, ‘Did you know?’

“I did not choose this.” Levi states briskly. He curls his right hand around the sword hilt that rests on his hip, the sound of leather squeaking as he does so.

“You can blame me for that,” Erwin’s deep voice cuts in, amused. “He wasn’t going to dress up, or even come for that matter, but I finally talked him into it.”

“Oh yeah? What did it?” Hange’s eye widened in faux surprise, a smirk playing on their lips.

“Are we going or not?” Levi starts walking in the direction of the entrance, not bothering to look behind him to see if anyone was following. Erwin chuckles and goes after him, and you and Hange are quick to follow.

The fair took place in a campsite deep in the forests of Jinae. The afternoon sun peeked its way through a canopy of tall evergreens. Fresh early spring air breezes through the trees as well as your flowing hair and you can’t help but breathe in deeply. What a gorgeous day, you think. Fallen foliage crunches underneath you as you all make your way deeper into the festivities. Plenty of people mill past, many of them dressed up to the nines and chattering away happily. You pick up the pace in excitement as your eyes wander.

The smells of smoked meat and various vegetables filled the air as you drew closer to the heart. There also lie a variety of stalls selling trinkets, fake weaponry, and leather goods that lined up parallel to the path you walked on. You couldn’t keep the grin off your face as you stare at it all in awe. An elven woman with antlers covered in sparkling gems bounces up next to you with a big smile and holds out a white lily for you to take.

You hesitate but take it from her fingers delicately and sign a ‘thank you’ at her with your other hand. Her eyes go wide and enthusiastically signs back ‘You’re welcome.’ You can’t help it, you giggle in delight. She waves goodbye and flounces away, the assorted chains that littered her body twinkling in the sunlight as she does. When you turn back to your group, Hange and Erwin are already far ahead, but Levi has stopped and is staring at you.

You inhale the flower’s scent as you saunter up to where Levi stood; he hadn’t moved an inch as he waited for you to catch up. His eyes are dark as they study your face. His mouth opens like he’s about to say something but then immediately closes it, turning away from you swiftly and starts off in the direction of the rest of the group. You purse your lips as you trail behind him, slightly annoyed.

Ever since Hange’s Valentine’s party last month, Levi has been really strange around you, even through your text messages. It’s not like how it was after the gala, it felt more isolating. Like he wasn’t allowing you into his space. Which granted, is pretty normal for anyone trying to get to know him better. But it didn’t really feel like you were just anyone, at this point. After that night on the patio at his apartment, it really felt like you two were getting along better. But now it felt like he was shutting you out again. It was all so frustrating.

Your group spent the next few hours bouncing around different activities; Everyone took turns deciding. Erwin had chosen a jousting match to kick things off. It wasn’t really your thing, but Erwin was captivated the whole time. Even Levi’s eyes never left the rough sport for a second, but his face didn’t give off a single emotion. It ended when one of the riders got knocked off so hard that they didn’t even get up from the dirt. Considering the lack of urgency to get him off the field, it must have not been a life-threatening injury. Still, you can’t help but feel bad for the guy.

After that, it was Hange’s turn and they decided on a play that was showing in the amphitheater. They were doing some sort of homemade play about a princess being held hostage from bandits and a knight that goes on a journey to save her. It wasn’t half bad, you thought.

Your favorite part was when the savior got their almost doll-like blonde-haired princess to safety, they took their helmet off to reveal it was actually a lady knight; She has choppy brunette hair that was pulled into a low ponytail and freckles that dotted along her nose. The way the knight and the princess stare toward one another makes you really feel the love that they held for each other, and you had to admit the ending got to you because of it. You applaud loudly as the cast takes a bow, the knight and princess both holding onto each other with wide smiles.

A half hour later, you all find yourselves standing outside of the amphitheater trying to think of what to get for a late lunch. There were so many food stalls that it had started to overwhelm you. You fidget with your sleeves as you watch Hange and Erwin talk, while Levi stays quiet as always.

You glance at him with a side eye in hopes he would meet your gaze. However, he keeps it averted from you, appearing to people watch instead. It’s not like he had ever ignored you in the past month, but his abnormal stoicism towards you was really starting to get under your skin. His guard was up, and you didn’t know why. What had changed from that night of the party to now?

“I think we passed a stall back that way that sold pizza. I want that!” You hear Hange say in excitement, pointing down a dirt path to your left.

“You are more than welcome to do so but I think I’ve decided on one down there. I saw something about meat pies, and I’m intrigued.” Erwin stares down at a map of the grounds as he speaks.

“What about you two? Does anything stick out to you?” Hange spins on you and Levi.

“Whatever.”

You just shrug with a small smile.

“Great input, guys.�� They roll their eyes at you and go back to looking over Erwin’s shoulder at the map.

“Well, we could all split up for a moment to get our respective lunches and reconvene at the axe throwing and archery area in about an hour or so? I think you wanted to do that for your turn?” Erwin pipes up as he looks behind his shoulder at you. You nod vigorously at it all, mainly at the choice of activity. You’ve always wanted to try both sports and were ecstatic when you saw it on the list of available stations.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea. There are a couple of other booths I wanted to check out earlier, this is a good opportunity.” Hange says as they stare down the path where the supposed pizza stall sat. You wave to get their attention.

‘I’m going to wander around myself then, if that’s cool with you?’ They give you a skeptical look and purse their lips.

“Will you be okay alone?” Levi’s head jerks up to Hange’s question then to you.

“She’s going alone?”

“She asked if she could.” They shrug their shoulders and Levi scoffs but says nothing else.

“Make sure your phones are on you and we’ll meet up in an hour.” Erwin cuts in, nodding to each of you before turning on his heels and disappearing in the crowd. So businesslike, you chuckle to yourself. Your sister grabs your hand then squeezes it before running off down the other way. Then it’s just you and Levi. You both look at each other. You’re about to offer if he would like to walk with you but he turns his back to you before you can get his attention.

“See you in an hour.” He says and walks into the crowd without looking back, leaving you alone. You blink hard at the empty space. Even after spending hours together, he’s still distant with you. You can’t help the hurt from seeping into your chest. You bite your cheek as you turn and start off in a random direction with no idea of where you’re going.

.

See you in an hour? Levi couldn’t stop the cold words from sliding out. He almost asked if he could tag along with you but he forced himself to walk away because he couldn’t dare to look you in the eyes. He’d been so careful around you in the last month but it’s like he couldn’t hold back anymore.

If he put himself in a position to be with you alone, there’s no telling what else might come out of his mouth. Levi was afraid it wouldn’t come out the way he wanted. He needed more time to figure out how he would approach you about the past, your past. And how his guilt was suffocating the life out of him.

Levi shoves his hands in his pocket as he weaves through the crowd in the direction of their rendezvous spot. There wasn’t anything he needed at this place so he decided he would give his leg a break while he waited for everyone else.

That is until something sparkling in the late afternoon sun catches his attention. His good eye snaps to it immediately and he can’t help but take a couple steps closer to get a better look at what it was. There hanging on a small jewelry stand is a delicate gold necklace. It was simple and modest despite its shine.

“Ah, I see this has caught your eye.” A soft voice rings out from behind the counter, belonging to an older lady that he had not noticed before. She has short blonde hair that had started to gray at the roots and light, kind eyes that crinkled in the corners. A warm smile lights up her face.

“No, I was just going.” Levi’s eyes trail back to the necklace before turning around to leave.

“It’s my last one for the day. Since it caught your eye, I’ll let it go at a special price. Who is it that’s on your mind?” Levi’s steps falter then he looks back at the woman with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry?”

“Forgive me, but you seem to have that look on your face that only someone gets when there’s a person on their mind. So, who is it?” The lady leans over on the table she sat behind, propping herself up with her elbow and stares at Levi with earnest.

“I- that’s not any of your business.” He clicks his tongue and starts off in the direction behind him again.

“Whoever it is, they must be causing quite a storm inside you!” She shouts out.

“You don’t know anything about me.” Levi digs his heels in the dirt and stalks back over to the booth where the lady sits, his hands clenched into fists as he stares hard into the accuser’s eyes.

“Oh, no? There isn’t someone in your life right now digging up your past?” Levi reels and opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

She continues, “Humor me, son. This old woman is getting bored of the hustle and bustle out there. What’s on your mind? I’ll give you the necklace as payment if I find it entertaining enough.”

“Ma’am, not to be rude but I literally do not know you. And my life story isn’t some story for you to gawk at.”

“Strangers make the best confidants I find. And you look like you’re about to burst at the seams.”

Levi considers this for a moment. He hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about what’s been plaguing him all month. Since that night in your bedroom, seeing those picture frames. It had shaken him to his core and the only person he actually wanted to talk about it with was you, and, well. This woman was indeed a stranger, what could it hurt? He’s never going to see this woman again, he hopes.

“Tch, fine.” Levi sighs heavily and starts from the beginning.

.

It had been about an hour since your group broke up when you found yourself trekking to the rendezvous spot. You had a great time wandering around by yourself, making sure to double back to a couple stalls you had passed earlier in the day. While you focused mainly on window shopping, you couldn’t help but buy yourself a tiara inlaid with the most spectacular fake gemstones.

They glimmered off the late afternoon sun as you passed underneath the spotty shaded canopy with a cup of hot liquid in your hand. Even though Levi had brushed you off earlier, you were not going to let that bother you. Maybe he was going through something right now and wasn’t ready to talk to you about it, you hope.

When you make it to the clearing, you smile as you see Levi sitting at one the benches massaging his leg. There’s a small paper bag next to him. As you get closer, his gray eyes look up to meet you and pinches his lips together into a thin line.

There was something different about his aura now, it didn’t feel as hostile as before. Though you could tell there was something still bothering him. When you’re right in front of him, you offer him the cup. He raises an eyebrow at you before taking a tentative sip. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Is this black tea? Where did you find this?” He takes another drink the way he does with his fingertips. You hold up a finger to him and grab your phone out of your purse.

‘A stall all the way on the other side. I did a lot of walking in the last hour.’

“I couldn’t find a drink stall that had anything I wanted. Thanks.” You give him a nod and drop yourself down next to his side on the bench to wait for the rest of your party. Levi says nothing else, but he does give you a side eye and glances up at the shining headpiece you adorned. You can’t help but smile widely at him and strike a lazy pose to show it off. You really did feel like a real princess even with the itchy dress. He turns his head away quickly and you fold your hands onto your lap, your smile slowly fading. You wish you could read minds.

“Ah, there you two are!!” A voice shrieks out. Hange comes practically skipping over with a grinning Erwin right behind her. “Sorry we’re so late. I have no excuses.” You can’t help but roll your eyes and laugh as you stand up to meet them. You hear Levi shuffling to do the same, the paper bag crinkling in his hand as he grips it tightly.

“I hope you all ate well because it’s time for some axe throwing and arrow nocking.” Erwin says with a slight chuckle. You nod vigorously and start off under the archway leading into your next activity.

Archery was not your forte, you quickly find out. You couldn’t stop holding the bow in a way that would keep the string from snapping back into your forearm. You had to stop after a couple tries because you feared if you tried any more, the bowstring would slice right into your skin. There will most definitely be a bruise there by the end of tonight. Erwin was phenomenal with the bow, and you could not help but stare in awe as he basically achieved a bullseye with every other arrow.

Axe throwing on the other hand was cathartic in all the best ways. You were not very accurate at it, but you achieved hitting the hard wood and that was an accomplishment all in its own right. Everyone had taken several steps back when it came to Hange’s turn. The wicked gleam in her eyes was enough to warn every one of her potential.

Fortunately, she was actually fairly good at the sport. One of her axes only bounced back once. Levi, of course, was great at both sports, hitting the targets with deadly precision. You shudder at the thought of anyone on the receiving end of Levi’s wrath given the opportunity to use weapons like these.

The sun was just starting to lower in the sky when it was time for Levi’s choice. Like you, he went with something a little more physically exerting. He opted for sword fighting. You could tell that Erwin was just as excited for it as well because his smile had not left his face the entire time you all made your way down to the field. Hange wasn’t exactly thrilled about it because she worried what might happen even with wooden swords, so both of you decided to sit on the sidelines to watch them closely.

They must have been sparring partners in a past life because the way they moved around each other in the field was mesmerizing. Every hit was met with a perfect parry. There were dodge rolls and feint attacks. Even with Levi’s physical limitations, he was still keeping Erwin on his toes, neither one going easy on the other. You had to admit that it was fun to observe them go at each other.

In the blink of an eye, you watch as Erwin twists his body in a way that grants him access to punch Levi in the face with the hilt of his sword. You stand up quickly, about to jump over the guardrail to make sure Levi was okay but he doesn’t even falter. He staggers back for a moment but goes right back into a defensive stance. From here, you can see the left side of Levi’s face has a small dribble of blood running down it. It’s coming from a cut above his left brow, and he’s not even batting an eye.

Levi comes at Erwin so quickly that you’re barely able to keep up with it. In a flash, he’s right behind Erwin and about to kick his legs out from under him but Erwin throws himself into Levi to knock him back. And then they’re at it again. You lean over the rail in anticipation, glancing back and forth between them and the sword instructor in hopes that they would come over and make them stop before things got too rough. But they did nothing, in fact they were staring at them in awe just as you were at their movements.

“Shit!” You hear along with the clattering of a wooden sword against the hard dirt. You stare in panic as you see Erwin holding his right wrist as he grimaces in pain. You and Hange immediately start running to them.

“Oh fuck, Erwin I’m sorry. I didn-“

“No, no. We were both going too hard. I should have seen this coming.” He says through gritted teeth as he holds his hand to his chest.

‘Are you okay? What happened?’ You sign to him quickly, your face no doubt flushed with anxiety. Levi is horror stricken as he stares at his best friend, who as always remains calm. The instructor is nowhere in sight when you need him, of course.

“A simple disarming maneuver. It’s just twisted is all.” Erwin nods down at you in reassurance, adding a warm smile with it. You’re most definitely not reassured.

“Alright boys, let’s take you both to the infirmary.” Hange sighs as she grabs Erwin by his other arm and tugs him along. You take a step forward to follow but Levi just huffs behind you, no sign of movement comes from his direction.

“You all go ahead, I’ll be fine.”

“Levi, you’re literally bleeding from your head.” They snark back.

“I’m fine, just go.” Levi turns and walks back to the benches where your and Hange’s things sat currently. You look over to Hange with bewilderment but they just give you a cheeky grin.

“Stay with him, we’ll be right back.” They shout as they continue to pull Erwin away in what you guess is the direction of the medical tent. You click your tongue, a habit you accidentally picked up from Levi, and spin back around. Levi’s trying to dab at his wound with the bottom of his black costume shirt, his lower abdomen peeking through and you force your eyes back up to his face as you make your way towards him. You grunt to get his attention, cocking your head to the side when he looks up.

“What?”

Sliding your phone back out of your purse, you type quickly, ‘You’re not doing a very good job at that.’

“Tch, I can’t exactly see what I’m doing.” He looks away as he lets go of his shirt. You pull yourself up the stairs to where he sat and straddle the bench so you’re facing him. Grabbing a couple of napkins from Hange’s bag and a water bottle you had purchased at the start of the activity, you then wet them carefully so as not to spill too much. Levi’s staring hard at you.

“What are you doing?” He asks in apprehension.

You only stare back at him, softening your gaze as you lift your hand up slowly to his face. He doesn’t flinch back, which you take as a good sign of him trusting you. You use your other hand to pull his hair back a little and start dabbing at the cut carefully with the wet napkin. The gash isn’t bleeding anymore, thankfully. Most of it had already started coagulating. The spot had also started to swell with heat and when you press back down on it gently, you feel him wince with a hiss.

You then rub at the dried blood that had trickled down his face. When you do so, your eyes flicker over to him and he’s staring at you in such a way that makes you falter. He looks away quickly after you both lock eyes for a second. It was only for a moment, but it was such an intense look. You’re suddenly aware of how close you are to him, so you sit up straight and scoot back.

‘Be right back. I’m going to get ice for your welt.’ You type as you pick yourself up from the bench. He clears his throat and sits back as well, nodding in acknowledgment. Tossing the blood stained napkins into a trashcan on your way out, you pick up your pace as you feel your face warm up. He was so close to you; you could smell his signature fresh laundry and body wash. And it was almost as if his stormy gray eyes were a magnet, drawing you into them. You shake your head at the thought as if to clear them out of your mind.

When you finally find a stall that would give you a cup of ice without charging, you make your way back to where you left Levi. It takes you a minute, but you finally spot him pacing back and forth frantically. When he sees you, he stops in his tracks then sprints over to you. His black mask is all forgotten and you’re able to see his full features; His face is full of fear, eyebrows knit and eyes wide.

“I- we need-” Levi breathes out. Even his voice is wavering with panic. You set the cup down and type faster than you ever have before.

‘Levi, breathe. What happened?’

“I need to get out of here, but I don’t know where Erwin and Hange went. Erwin is my ride. But I need to go.”

‘Go where? What happened?’ You grab onto one of his hands in hopes to ground him. His eyes are darting around wildly. When you squeeze his hand hard to get his attention, they finally land on your face and you take a deep breath, hoping he would follow. He attempts to but it’s fairly shallow.

“Sh-she’s back at the hospital. Something happened and she’s there and I…” Is all he manages to get out. His eyes are frantically looking around for the others. She? You grab all of your belongings as well as the things left behind from Erwin and Hange and tuck everything under one arm. With the other, you pull out your car keys and reach for Levi’s hand. He jolts back, staring at you with alarm. You reach for it again and clasp it with keys tucked in between both of your palms, then you start running for the entrance of where you all came from.

With the evening drawing near, there were not nearly as many people here as there was before, but it was still enough to be a nuisance to run through. You gripped onto Levi’s hand so tightly, afraid of losing him in the crowd. You don’t notice but at one point, he starts to hold on with both of his hands for dear life. When you finally break out, you dash down the aisle where your car was.

There was no time to let Hange know where you two were going, you would have to do that when you got to where you were heading. Just as there was no time to ask Levi what the hell you two were doing, you would get answers later. All you knew was that he was panicking, and you had the power to help him.

When you eventually find the car, you toss in the things under your arms into the back seat then throw yourself into the driver’s side. Levi does the same on the passenger side and you don’t hesitate to back out before checking to see if he was buckled in. In mere moments, you’re zooming down to the only hospital in town.

.

The car ride was filled with Levi’s panicked heavy breathing as you did your best to weave around the end of day rush hour. Every once and a while, you would hear Levi cursing at a red light or a stop sign, his hands gripping the dashboard so tight that his knuckles turned white. One of his knees was shaking up and down so fast you’re surprised the car doesn’t bounce with it.

Without thinking, you reach over with one of your hands and place it on top of his knee gently. It stops. You spare a glance at him and he’s staring straight ahead, but he makes no move to throw your hand off him. You both stay like this for the rest of the ride.

After what feels like an eternity, you drop Levi off at the front so you can find a place to park. It takes a couple minutes but you’re able to find a spot near the back, though you don’t get out of the car right away. Instead, you take this time to send Hange a quick text about your situation as well as collect yourself. Levi’s panic is not something you’ll soon forget. It hurt you to see him so distraught. Multiple heavy breathing exercises later, you unbuckle yourself and head out into the now cool evening, the Emergency entrance in your sights.

You deal with communication issues at the front desk but finally you’re able to find where Levi headed off too. It was the waiting room of the surgery wing and you felt your heart sink to your stomach. What happened? When you make it through the doors, you find Levi pacing back and forth with his hands tightly knitted in his hair. He looks up to you with hollow eyes but says nothing. He maintains his pacing so you decide to sit in a chair near him, watching him as he does. This continues for a bit until a woman in gray scrubs comes out of the surgery ward, a clipboard in hand and a neutral expression across her face.

“Ackerman?” She calls out. Levi stops dead and he’s quick to bound over to her with you right behind.

“What’s going on?” His voice is gravelly and dripping with anxiety. She eyeballs the two of you and only then do you remember that you both pulled up in matching costumes, now sticking out like a sore thumb in comparison to the white, sterile walls. You wrap your arms around you self-consciously and shoot her a weak grin.

“She’s in stable condition right now. But I’m afraid your mother suffered an extreme heart attack earlier this evening. We had to perform an immediate PCI. The blockage was found and taken care of in time, fortunately.” The nurse states calmly. Mother?

“How did this happen?” His words come through gritted teeth.

“I was not told of the specifics, I’m sorry.”

“Can I see her?”

“You may but she won’t be awake for a while. She just got out of surgery.” She murmurs as she takes a close look at her clipboard.

“I don’t care, I need to see her.”

She looks up from the board to take a look at Levi’s face closely, her eyes trailing up to the cut on his eyebrow before asking, “Would you like us to take a look at that wound while you’re here?”

“No. Can we go now?” Levi clips impatiently.

“Very well. Come with me.” And she starts off to the double doors behind her, pulling her badge out to unlock them. Then she sees you following Levi’s steps and stops to speak to you. “I’m sorry, are you family as well?” You don’t see it, but Levi’s eyes narrow at the nurse.

“She’s with me.” Is all he says but his choice of words makes your stomach flutter. With me. The nurse just sighs and taps her badge to the scanner causing the doors to open with a beep. You’re led down a maze of halls until you get to a room with a big glass window. As you pass it, you’re hit with a fleeting feeling of familiarity at the face that belonged to the woman in the bed. After following Levi into the room, the nurse then closes the door behind you with a click.

The room is silent all besides the beeping of the monitors next to the bed. Levi is already at the woman’s, his mom’s, side. He’s holding her hand and his expression has already gone from dread to worried relief. Your eyes trail over to the woman’s features, and you gasp audibly because this face was indeed familiar. But your mind feels like it’s hitting a wall because you can’t recall exactly why she was so familiar and it frustrates you.

Taking a couple steps forward, you eye the beautiful face trying to rack your brain still. Nothing. Levi’s staring at you like he wants to say something but thinks better of it and shifts his gaze back to his mom. Not this again.

You pull your phone out of your purse and type a quick message to him. A notification ping goes off, but he makes no effort to check it. You wave at him to get his attention and when he looks over, you point to your phone and then towards him.

‘I’m glad to know your mom is okay. Are you?’

“I’m fine.” Short and to the point, as always.

‘You looked like you wanted to say something a minute ago. What?’

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

‘Don’t shut me out. What is it?’

“I’m not shutting you out.” His voice straining.

‘You are. What’s going on with you?’

“There’s nothing going on. Leave it alone.”

‘No. Ever since the party, you’ve been distant with me, and I deserve to know why. What happened that night? Did I do something wrong?’ You stare hard at Levi, but he continues to stare down at the screen. His grip on the phone is tight.

“This is not the time for this right now.” He mumbles coarsely. You huff loudly and slap your hands down to your thighs. His gaze finally cuts over to you, his eyes dark and tired more than usual. Both of you lock eyes for a moment, and you can tell he’s thinking of something else to say to you but then the room is filled with the noises of your stomach growling violently. Your cheeks are quick to flare up and you’re the first to break away from the staring contest.

“Hungry?” Levi quips in a dry tone. You’re quick to frown at him. But you are, you’re severely hungry. In the hour that you were supposed to feed yourself, you ended up window shopping the whole time. Even when you stopped to grab Levi that tea, you didn’t buy yourself food. You were just too engrossed with your surroundings.

“Just go get some food, you’re not useful here.” He’s right, but you can’t keep the hurt look from flashing across your face at his words.

‘Neither are you. Besides, I don’t want to leave you.’ Only after you hit send are you aware of what you just said and you quickly type out, ‘Since I’m your ride, and all.’ Nailed it.

“I can call Erwin.” He could, but you wanted answers and you had him cornered for once.

‘Just come get dinner with me. I’ll take you right back here after. The nurse said she’d be out for a while anyways and that she’s stable. You know they’ll call you if anything happens.’ You glance back over to his mom to study her face again. She was just as beautiful as his son, her features just the same as his. Her familiarity still itched at you.  When you don’t hear a response, you look over to Levi and see that he’s eying you with thought. You offer a small smile, and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine. But here right after.” You swear you hear his stomach rumbling as well.

.

After a brief drive, you both find yourselves sitting in red booths at a diner down the street. The smell of greasy food permeates your senses and you’re drooling already. The multitude of options were too overwhelming, so you went with a simple burger and fries. Levi orders the same without even looking at His menu. His mind was clearly far away at the moment.

‘Spill.’ You shoot at him.

“Really, right here?” He clicks his tongue and looks out to watch the cars passing on the street.

‘Yes, really. Why are you being so distant with me? What did I do?’

“You didn’t do anything.”

‘You could have fooled me.’ You use your straw to stir at your soda mindlessly.

“Tch, it’s nothing you did, okay? I mean it.” He mutters as he takes a sip of his water, eyes still focused on the street.

‘Okay, then what is it?’

There’s a pause.

“How much of your childhood do you remember prior to the fire?” Out of all the things you thought he would say next, this is not one of them. It was so out of left field; it takes him staring you straight in the eyes to be able to respond. You blink down at your phone.

‘Not much. Just warm feelings, an older brother and two parents. Why?’ You can’t help but frown.

“There’s no way to say thi-“ He’s cut off by the waitress coming over to set down your plates of food with a wide grin. You don’t miss the way she looks at Levi. There were practically hearts in her eyes.

“Anything else I can get y’all?” She asks, looking between the two of you.

“No.” Levi remarks dismissively, not even bothering to look up at her.

“Oh, well. Holler if you need me!” She chirps then walks away leaving the two of you to stare at each other. You nervously pick at your fries as you send Levi another text.

‘You were saying?’  

“We used to be neighbors when we were kids.” The fry you held in your fingers drops back to the plate as you process what he just said. Neighbors? No, you’re certain you’ve never seen him before. You look up at him and shake your head.

“We were. I used to come over and play with your brother every day. My mother adored you.” Levi mumbles as he pokes at his burger with a fork. You suddenly feel dizzy as you feel that wall from earlier start cracking. Is this why…? A memory of warm cookies and long raven hair zooms through your mind.

“I’m sure all the trauma you’ve endured for years erased many of your memories. I know for certain you don’t remember me, but I guess that would make sense. I’m not the gangly kid you once knew.” He chuckles darkly. You’re still having a hard time processing what he just said but you definitely can’t recall many memories prior to the time you were with the Zoë’s. You continue to blink hard at him, your dinner all but forgotten. After a moment, your fingers start typing again.

‘I’m sorry I don’t remember you.’

“Tch, that’s your takeaway here?” He rolls his eyes and drums his fingers on the hard table impatiently. He was still holding back.

‘Just say it, Levi.’

“I just didn’t know you were alive, is all.” Alive? Did he think… how did he…?

‘How did you find this all out?’

“The pictures on your desk. I did some searching when I got home that night and found the articles about your family. Mom and I heard about the fire about a year or two after it happened from a stranger in passing.” He leans back in his seat, eyes now falling on your pallid face.

“You know, we moved when I was around nine, so it was strange to hear about something so far away. We assumed the whole family died, no one knew about a survivor. So that’s why I didn’t think anything of it. Also, because, well, you look different now compared to when you were six.” He averts his gaze and takes a drink of his water as he thinks. You’re glad for the pause because this was enough to make your head go reeling. You sit forward and shove your head in your hands to keep yourself from falling over in the seat.  

A couple minutes pass before you’re able to form coherent words, ‘Is that why you’ve been so distant? Because you remembered we had a past together?’ You look up at him through eyelashes, his gaze soft on you. He shifts in his seat uncomfortably. There’s more.

“No.” His hands that sat on top of the table are clenched in fists so tight that you wouldn’t be surprised if his nails drew blood from his palms. You reach over with shaking hands to hold on to one of his to get his attention. With pleading eyes, you stare up at him. He doesn’t shake off your touch, in fact he clasps his fingers over yours and holds on tightly. They were soft and warm and very much needed.

“My dad was a drunk, a very mean, abusive drunk. My mother worked hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table while he stayed home and drank the day away. I always had to clean up after him since he wouldn’t do it himself, leaving half-drunk liquor bottles and lit cigarettes all over the place. And my poor mom, she was already so tired when she came home that I couldn’t bear to see her do more work.” He grips your hand tighter as he looks away.

“One day, my mom came home while I was gone. I didn’t clean that day because I was out so late. So he starts yelling at her, screaming that she was lazy and never picked up around the house." Levi swallows hard.

"When I came home, I see this fucker slapping my mother in the face so hard that she fell backwards, and I snapped. I threatened him with a knife and everything, telling him if he touched me or my mom ever again I would kill him. The bastard laughed in my face. My mom was afraid I would follow through with that threat so that’s why she made us move. God, you were so sad that day.” He takes a deep breath and fixes his gaze back to you. His expression is pained and so full of guilt.

“I’m the reason your family is dead.” Levi’s voice is so soft, it was almost a whisper. You knew that to be a lie considering everything he told you. He moved away before the fire even happened, so that’s not possible. You scan his face, your eyes searching for anything other than remorse and guilt but that’s all there was. You shake your head at him furiously. It’s a lie, you know that.

“I am. I don’t know how it happened, but the dirty bastard died in the house fire of his own doing. But then it caught onto yours and… I just,” He pauses, thinking about his next words. “I can’t help but think that if I never threatened him then my mother and I would have stayed. And I could have been there to clean up after him. I could have stopped the fire from ever happening. I could have kept your family safe, and you would still be with them.”

There’s a very physical pain in your gut as you slowly understand why he was so distant with you, why he was shutting you out. Levi blamed himself for everything. The speed at which you snatch your phone and type away would have been impressive, had you cared at that moment.

‘Not your fault.’

“Yes, it is.”

‘You did not start the fire. He did. Nothing you could have done.’ You reach over even more to look straight into his stormy gray eyes.

“You don’t understand, I could have stopped it.” Levi repeats.

‘Levi, listen to me. There’s nothing in the world that you could have done to stop it. I know more than most how much I wish it didn’t happen but it did. And knowing that even despite my unfortunate circumstances, you were able to get out of such a shitty situation. And that makes me happy. No one deserves someone like that in their life. Especially not you. I’ve made peace with this. You should too.’ You squeeze his hand tightly and stare up at him with what you hoped looked like a reassuring smile. He doesn’t say anything from behind his phone screen.

‘I don’t blame you for anything and that has to count for something.’ He glances up at you again. It’s like the life had deflated from his body and he looked so small. A part of you wished you could hold him and tell him he was okay.

“Thank you.” His voice is hoarse, causing him to clear his throat. “I should have said something sooner, but I was afraid.”

‘Afraid of what?’

“That you would get mad at me or stop talking to me.” He mumbles. You’re not sure if it was the dark talk or the suffocating tension but you laugh, really hard. It feels foreign to you since you do your best not to laugh out loud usually but you don’t care, his simplicity was so funny to you. He furrows his brows at you and starts to pull his hand away but you grab onto it and don’t let it go.

‘I would never. There’s nothing to be mad about.’ Levi’s shoulder’s slump and you can tell a lot of the stress he held in his tiny frame had finally dissipated.

“That’s not funny.” He complains, but a small smirk twitches at the corners of his scarred lips.

‘Thank you for telling me. Really.’ You squeeze his hand once more before letting go of it, the warmth of his skin lingering on your fingertips. A moment of silence ensues, and you take this moment to take a bite of your surprisingly still warm burger. It was delicious and you’re reminded again of how hungry you really were. Levi hesitates but does the same. It’s like this for a while. Comfortable, yet again.

There was no room in your heart to be mad at Levi, especially for something he was not responsible for in any capacity. You were not lying; you really had made peace with it all years ago. If anything, it was reassuring having answers of what had happened that night. And you were grateful for Levi, even if he didn’t believe it. Something else stirs in your chest but you swat it away.

A couple bites later and you can’t help but ask the most important question yet, ‘What was I like back then?’ His scoff and eye roll intrigues you right away.

“You were such a troublemaker. A little shit, if I might say.” You choke on your soda and stare at him with a dumbfounded expression. “It’s true. You got your brother in trouble a lot. Always having to chase after you. There were a lot of times I had to carry you home kicking and screaming because you didn’t get your way.” He exhales in what almost sounded like content. Something flashes in your mind.

‘Was there a frog?’

“Good god, out of all the things you remember, it’s that incident?” He bites into a fry but there’s a smile behind it. It’s not big or anything but it’s enough to warm you from the inside.

‘Well now you HAVE to tell me.’

“There was a pond down the street that you loved to play in. It had started storming and your brother couldn't coerce you into coming home so I picked you up and flung you over my shoulder while you kicked and screamed. All because you wanted to take a frog home to be your new pet.” A visual of pouring rain and staring down at the wet pavement crosses your mind. You can’t help but smile at the memory.

‘Mr. Froggy.’ You giggle at the memory.

“Yes, I believe that’s what you called him.” Levi wipes his mouth and sits forward to look at you, his mouth open to say something else but he closes it just as fast. You tap your finger on the table and shake your head at him, as if to say tell me.

“Okay, okay. I saw something at the fair that I thought you might like.” You sit up quickly and gawk at him. You then point to yourself to make sure that he meant you. He pulls the small brown bag you saw earlier out of a pocket you didn’t even know existed. Clapping your hands together, you smile brightly at him. He places it in front of you. You waste no time tearing into the bag.

Inside is a thin and dainty gold chain necklace with a small pendant hanging off it. It’s a pink, crystal cherry blossom surrounded by the same gold metal. It was simple and elegant and perfect. You stare up at Levi with wide eyes and he has the brightest pink flush dusting his cheeks. He’s not looking at you.

Without even thinking about it, you quickly stand and move to slide into his booth with your back to him, holding the necklace up behind you. You don’t see it, but he is flustered to no end. Though, he understands because he takes it from you and carefully reaches around your neck to clip it on. It sits perfectly and you can't help but turn to him with a wide smile. He's a lot closer than you thought he would be. Silver eyes stare into yours and your smile falters.

“Will this be one check or two?” A chipper voice rings out, making you both jump away quickly. Your face is matching the same flush on Levi’s.

“One, please.” Levi says after clearing his throat. You look back at him with your most offended expression. He just clicks his tongue and pulls out his card from his wallet to hand to the waitress. She runs off to charge it but not before making a face at the proximity of the two of you.

“It’s easier this way.” He mutters quickly. You jump back over to your side, still feeling the heat of your face radiating.

‘Thank you so much, Levi. I love it. How did you know I liked sakuras?’ You cock an eyebrow at him while you fiddled with the small pendant in between two fingers.

“Your bedroom door. It’s a fitting flower for you.” He’s fidgeting with his long sleeves.

‘Something else bothering you?’

“Not really. It’s just, the necklace reminded me of something that’s happening next month and since you love cherry blossoms so much I thought maybe you’d be interested.” He flicks his eyes over to yours quickly before looking down at his phone for your response.

‘Well, what is it?’ It feels like your heart is about to burst out of your chest. Is he asking you what you think he’s asking…?

“It’s a cherry blossom festival. You know, carnival rides, food stalls, rubber duck racing. Would you… like to go w-with me?” He pulls at his collar nervously. You pinch your lips together in hopes it would keep the gigantic grin from forming. You start typing a response but then he quickly cuts in with, “Hange and Erwin are invited of course.” Oh.

‘Yeah, that sounds like fun. Let’s do it.’ You offer him a small smile instead, afraid your disappointment would show.

“Well. Great, that sounds… great.” He sighs.

Yeah, great.

You spend the rest of the evening recalling the last couple of hours in your head over and over again. Hange and Erwin ended up meeting you both back at the hospital and after a quick overview of what happened, both parties went their separate ways with Erwin and Levi staying at the hospital for a little longer. He said he would update you on news of his mom’s status when he got any. It was a very awkward goodbye, to say the least.

Thankfully Hange had not asked any questions of what had transpired but you notice their not-so-subtle glances at the new accessory adorning your neck. You had spent a couple hours of tossing and turning in your bed as you replayed every word that was said tonight until finally you were lulled asleep into the late hours.

☾ Previous Chapter: February ☾ Next Chapter: April

[a-random-hsr-sideblog]

A complation of my favorite HSR fics in sections of ships:

AvenCaeTio

A Mundane Life is a fic series that is very very fluffy! AvenCaeTio is already an established ship with a lot of domestic fluff in the first fic with implied references to coitus.

AvenCae

Golden Sands by Konbini_Kitty is my favorite AvenCae fic! The way they protray the ship is really really nice! Fair warning this fic is rated M so please please please mind the tags. This fic protrays AvenCae with them as childhood friends with Aventurine finding Caelus abandoned by Elio on Sigonia! This fic also updates every couple months so it doesn’t update often.

Another Konbini_Kitty fic! New Outfit is pre-relationship fic with Caelus feeling bad about not having more outfits, and after finding out Aventurine was texting him; he decides to ask Aventurine where he can get some new outfits for himself! TLDR: Caelus gets spoiled by Aventurine

Code Blue by Monohid is about Caelus inviting Aven out to drinks so he can comfort him; in the descriptions own words “after the entire Penacony mess, Aventurine sends Caelus a whole lot of very vulnerable and surprisingly honest messages. Caelus, feeling that Aventurine might need a nice relaxing evening, invites him for drinks” It is based off of Aventurine’s text messages! Sadly the second chapter of it is not out yet.

DanCae

A Dragon’s Mark by Zaphyrus is a DanCae soulmates au! It is set during Herta Space Station, Belobog, and the Xianzhou. It is relatively fluffy but more slowburn than anything.

Secret Admier by Pharaohbean is a DanCae fic with Stelle as the TB; Stelle is in a relationship with March but that is very much a side ship. In this fic Caelus is an Emanator of Destruction and hiding it as long as possible from everyone. When Dan Heng and Caelus met it was before Dan Heng joined the AE. The fic IMO is a 10/10 but everyone has their own tastes.

Home In Your Arms by SaltedPossums is a hurt comfort fic going a bit over the fight with Cocolia, and mostly focuses on the aftermath with the fight against Cirrus. I can not express this enough with this fic but MIND THE TAGS ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THE FIC GOES OVER THE TOPIC OF DEATH

Ravager Restrained, Doubt Unchained by Riverpuppy is a fic that takes place as the aftermath of 1.2. It has Caelus going Nonverbal to be able to process everything that has happened on the Xianzhou up to that update. The fic is a hurt/comfort!

CaeTio

Home is where the Family (Heart) is by Liulangzhe is a pre-relationship fic of Caelus realizing he has feelings for Ratio; high spoilers for the 2.4 Update.

The cons of owning a warp trotter by Do_Ray_Mi is a fic in its own words “4 times Bubbles got in between Caelus and Dr.Ratio and the 1 time it brought them together” it in its tags has a lot of made up lore and honestly was a pretty funny fic. The fic is Not Rated so please mind the tags.

Please give me decent to good AvenTio fics because I have been struggling to find one I like.

[vellaphoria]

for the ask game!! 6 (obvi!) and 25 for tim? or dick

Hi anon! Thank you for the ask <3

(ask game prompts are here)

25. What's your least favourite thing [character] said or did?

For Tim, I really like his duel with Shiva in the last issue of the post-crisis Robin run. Aka she challenges him to a fight to the death and he sneaks a paralytic into the chocolate offered by her hotel that will knock her out if her heart rate rises. I think this fight is a pretty good summation of everything that Tim is by the end of Robin. He fights smarter rather than harder. Shiva is an opponent who he knows he can't beat in a fair fight, so he doesn't fight fair. But also, the fight shows off his more audacious side. Because the paralytic only activates if Shiva's heart rate rises, he's banking on her heart rate rising at least four beats while facing him. Given how easily Shiva could wipe the floor with him, that's a huge risk. And, as his internal monologue says, it's very presumptuous of him.

tl;dr: Tim's fight with Shiva in Robin #183 is short but excellent

Edit: I just re-read this and realized it says least, and apparently I can't read lol. Anyway, my least favorite thing Tim said would probably be the sexist comments from when Dixon was writing him. And some of the other viewpoints Dixon used Tim's comics to make. There's an especially stupid metaphor about having sex being like going through a door, because once you've gone through it you can't go back. That's not how doors work?

ANYWAY.

6. An excerpt from the DickTim slowburn I've been working on:

Some of the safe houses are little more than a mostly secure area in which they can patch up and eat something without as much of a risk of being attacked. This one is different; the one room on this level to remain mostly intact happened to be someone’s bedroom, once. 

When Dick first found it, he’d shoved the mattress into a corner of the room and piled it with all the blankets and other insulating fabric he could find in the general vicinity. It still isn’t much, and there’s part of Dick that sorely misses the heavy down comforter in his Blüdhaven apartment, but it should be enough to get them through the rest of the night.

He's out of the Nightwing suit and under the covers before the cold has a chance to sleep through the shirt and spandex that he wears under his uniform. 

Tim just stares at him for a moment. 

When Dick risks moving an arm out from under the blankets to pat the space next to him, Tim looks away.

He resists the urge to grumble about the fact that Tim wouldn't be Tim if he didn't hesitate a little before engaging in interpersonal contact. Even now.

But they’re in the middle of Gotham’s ruins, in a safehouse that is far less insulated than he’d like it to be, and the temperature is only going to keep dropping.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” Dick asks. “Because if you haven’t noticed, it’s pretty cold out. And I’d really rather not be the one to tell Bruce that you froze to death on your feet.”

Tim tenses and suppresses what was probably supposed to be a yawn. He looks like he really would rather huddle up in the corner of the room and slowly turn into a Timsicle overnight. 

But, in the end, rationality wins out. With Tim, it usually does.

Dick rolls onto his back and closes his eyes. 

The room echoes slightly with the sound of security mechanisms being disarmed, metal clasps detaching, and the rasp of kevlar on cotton. Then, there’s a moment of silence before the corner of the layered blankets is pulled back. The mattress depresses slightly as Tim crawls beneath the covers, throwing them up as high as they’ll go without impairing his ability to breathe. 

It leaves him about an inch away from Dick, close enough that the blankets start to do their job by trapping as much heat as two bodies can reasonably generate in these conditions. 

Tim shifts around a bit. To some, it might seem like he’s trying to get comfortable. 

To Dick, it seems more like he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s still shivering. 

Outside, the sun has fully set, taking the last of the warmth with it. And the last of the light.

“Hey,” he says. “Come here?” 

He didn’t quite mean it to be a question. But physical contact is always a bit of a gray area with Tim, so it’s probably better to err on the side of caution.

Tim stops moving. He doesn’t stop shivering.

It’s gotten dark enough that he can’t quite make out Tim’s expression, but he can see the way that he turns his head to look at him. 

“I can give you the list of logical reasons why sharing body heat is a good idea right now,” Dick says. “But I’d be lying if I said my motivations were purely selfless.”

Tim’s laugh is short and quiet, but it’s there.

“Please, Tim?” he asks. 

That earns him a quick, sharp inhale. It’s the sort of thing that Tim wouldn’t let slip unless under great duress. 

He’s pretty sure the current state of Gotham qualifies.

“Conservation of warmth,” Tim mutters. It’s half a non-sequitur and half sounds like he’s trying to convince himself. It probably doesn’t help that he says it in the same way that he’d say “collateral damage” or “Bruce is looking for you.”

The way that he shifts closer isn’t quite awkward, but it isn’t quite natural either.

Despite the darkness, he unerringly finds Dick’s shoulder and prods at it until he moves his arm enough to create a makeshift pillow. There’s a deliberateness to the way that he wraps an arm around Dick’s chest and presses his hand against his side, pulling the two of them close enough that there isn’t space between them. 

He wraps his free arm around Tim and tries not to think about how he can feel the definition of ribs through skin and too-thin cotton. 

Tim sighs against the skin of his neck. His exhale might be the warmest thing Dick has felt in days. 

They’re close enough that he can feel Tim’s heart in his chest. It’s beating much quicker than the general torpor of the rest of Tim’s body would have suggested. 

“You okay?” he asks, eventually.

“… Yeah.” 

When he moves his head, the tip of his nose brushes Dick’s collarbone.

“Are you?” Tim asks.

“Ask me again tomorrow,” Dick mutters. “But, for the moment… it’s better with you here.”

Tim moves his head until his forehead is in the hollow between Dick’s neck and shoulder. He tightens his hold and Dick pulls him closer in response.

Dick doesn't know what will try its best to kill them tomorrow. If it'll be the gangs or the hunger or the ever-present cold. 

They don't have enough medical supplies for their injuries, or enough food to keep them full, or even enough semi-insulated bases to keep them warm while they sleep.

But they have each other. And, somehow, that's enough.

[orcelito]

orcelito's self-rec trigun fics

Another Post for @trigunfanfic's trigun fic appreciation, but this one for my own trigun fics! there are only 3, all vashwood, and i would love if ppl checked them out if any seem interesting!

First Spot in my heart goes to:

In the Next Life - 101k words

this is The trigun longfic for me. it's a trimax time travel au where Vash travels back in time from near the very end of the manga to try to save as many lives as possible (including Wolfwood's). it's a real slowburn, since my primary focus is following Vash's journey to make a change, despite the difficulties & his residual trauma from last time. and who knows! maybe he can make some new trauma and friends along the way :')

it's been on a bit of a hiatus for Life Reasons, but ive been gearing up to get that next chapter out & return to regular updates! so if trimax vash falling in love with wolfwood all over again while still grieving his prior iteration appeals to you... then this fic may be for you!!!

& for the Next One...

Sentido - 19k words

this one's my most popular trigun fic, based in tristamp canon. it's a character study i wrote about Vash following how his inhumanity affects all of his 5 senses, one chapter per sense. it was Also meant to be just a little writing dabble, not something i expected many people to read, so its quality isn't as good as i'd maybe prefer. but plenty of ppl still seem to love it, so i feel like it's only fair to include it here! it's also vashwood, though pre-relationship vashwood during canon's duration. just a fun little fic thinking about how Vash interacts with his world. ALSO. it's complete lol, if that matters to you

& the THIRD AND FINAL...

I know I'm gonna die of this - 12k words

my singular smut one-shot. honestly there's really no plot to this one, just 12k words of Top Vash with a strap railing the brains out of trans Wolfwood. this is for those t4t & top Vash lovers out there! just some good horny fun heheh

and There's The Post. thank u for reading this far!!

[illfoandillfie]

Hi, I'm so glad you are doing the advent calendar again!

I think someone (or maybe it was me 😅) requested this before but I would love a little blurb related to ADKOE but from Roger's point of view, could be something of a continuation of where the story is now, or one of the previous scenes from his perspective, or even a bit of a introspective moment of reflection when 'y/n' is not there.

Of course no worries if this is not something you would be interested in writing, I'm so looking forward to whatever you post 😊

Thank you! 💕

Blurb Advent 2023: Day 25

ahhh amazing, I was hoping someone would ask for this again lmao, it was the push I needed to actually finish it!

It's set in during the munch chapter. Mostly fluffy with maybe a little angst just from some of the thoughts he's having. It was a lot of fun figuring out and writing so I'd defs be open to doing more of these in the future! Also, it's officially Christmas Day for me here so for those who celebrate, merry christmas! I hope this is a decent sort of present lmao.

Warnings: Modern AU, smut, professor x student, slowburn romance, dom/sub dynamics and discussion of them, munch, conversations about bdsm/kink, body painting, mentions of Dylan, a mention of sexual abuse/rape but nothing graphic and only in a theoretical way.

Roger had been a little reluctant to leave you on your own, but you’d seemed to be doing alright talking to Daisy and Jo and he knew he couldn’t hover around you all day. So he asked Mike to join him in the kitchen, a little curious to see what the other man had made of you so far. And he didn’t have to wait long to find out.   “Well Y/N is just as lovely as you said. Bit shy but that’s understandable.” Mike said as he watched Roger crack eggs into the brownie mix, “How’s it going with her?”  “In one word, surprising.”  “Oh?”  Roger decided how best to elaborate as he mixed the batter, “I don’t want to go into too much detail-”  “Right, cause you’ve never been the sort to kiss and tell,” Mike laughed.  Roger laughed too but shook his head, “No it’s going well I think. She’s still learning, but she’s getting there. Like we played around with some dirty talk recently. Partly just cause, y’know, it’s hot, but also because you’re right, she can be a bit shy. And I’m trying to get her to feel less self-conscious when vocalising what she wants. She was hesitant at first but once she got into it some of what she came out with was...” It was impossible to explain so Roger opted to just gesture emphatically with his hands.  Mike just laughed, “That certainly does sound like fun.”  “Oh, it was.” Roger swallowed thickly as he remembered how you’d sounded admitting that you think about him. He hoped Mike wouldn’t ask too many questions because even just thinking about it now was making his cock twitch and he didn’t want to be too distracted during the munch. But it was hard when he kept hearing your whiney confessions replaying in his mind. When you’d confessed to masturbating more often than ever before. When you’d admitted that he, Roger, made you feel better than anyone else had. If he said any of that out loud Mike would assume it was just the ego boost, which he supposed was fair. He’d have thought so too if someone had told him. Heck, he’d been with women where the ego boost was nearly all he was running on. But not with you. The way you’d said it all, how hesitant you’d been to start, how you’d blushed afterwards. It wasn’t a performance with you. You meant it when you’d said it. And that’s what was turning Roger on. 

But thankfully all Mike said was, “I’m glad it’s going well. She seems like a sweet kid.”  “Yeah,” Roger chuckled, “Mostly.”  “What’d you mean?”  “Look, she is a lot of things – dedicated, intelligent, curious – but she’s also very....” he paused as he tried to find the right word, “You ever have a sub that just wants to rush into everything?”  Mike nodded sympathetically.  “She wants to know it all now, not later. And she’s always questioning the importance of what I’m trying to teach her.”  “Yeah I’ve known one or two subs like that. They think they know best even though they know nothing.”  “Yeah, exactly. I mean, we’ve had arguments about it. I try explaining why I’ve picked what I’ve picked to teach her and usually I get her to accept it even if she disagrees but last week she just wouldn’t let it go. So I got pissed off, probably snapped at her more than she deserved and basically told her it was my way or the highway.”  “I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much, everyone has moments like that.”  “Yeah but that’s not really how I want this thing with her to be. I’d just been saying it was okay if she wanted to say no to learning something or to alter kinks to suit her better, and then I turn around and tell her to suck it up and do what I say or else. That’s not the lesson I want her to learn from all this.”  “Rog I think you’re being a little harsh on yourself. I’m sure she understands the difference.” 

“I know, you’re probably right. I just....She approached me to teach her so she could impress this other guy and he is...” Roger paused again but only so he could take a steadying breath and unclench his hand from his wooden spoon, “I don’t know him, but he sounds like a real piece of work. But she is determined to have him. I just want to make sure she’s prepared and knows enough to protect herself because I worry what could happen to her.”  “You sure you’re not jealous?” Mike asked with a raised eyebrow and a joking grin, “I saw how you were watching her before.”  “I was making sure she wasn’t too overwhelmed by everything.”  “Mmhmm sure.”  “Oh shut up, it’s not jealousy. No, this guy is into some really hard stuff – CNC, free use, somnophilia. She told me he’s even joked about pimping her out to his friends. I’m genuinely worried that if she goes back to him he’ll drug and rape her and she’ll think it’s kink. I need to make sure she understands the difference.”  The smile had fallen from Mike’s face as he took Roger’s concern in, “Fuck, really?”  Roger nodded, “I’m so conscious that there’s a time limit.”  The was a pause as Mike considered what to say, “You’re a good dom Rog. You know your stuff, and I’m sure you’ll be able to teach her how to recognise danger signs, even if she gets stubborn about it first. I mean, you say something enough times it has to sink in eventually. And if she’s as smart as you say she is then she will work it out. Plus, now she’ll have more people she can go to for help if she needs it. Tina will’ve taken one look at the kid and got very mother hen about her, and you know Jo and Daisy’ll look out for her too.”  “Yeah,” Roger sighed, some of the anxiety that had started to build at the thought of Dylan easing off. He pulled a smile onto his face and changed the topic, hoping he had enough time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When he came back into the main room, Roger immediately looked for you, even as he was laughing at Mike’s stupid joke. Seeing you sitting with the other women was a relief. It was like Mike had said it would be, they’d all taken a shine to you and he could already see that he’d be constantly fielding questions about you from all of them. But then you looked up, and there was something in your expression that made his eyebrows furrow. He forced himself to look away as he announced dessert.  “Ooo brownie? Yes please,” Daisy sounded so excited by the prospect Roger couldn’t help but laugh.  “It’s just a packet mix, don’t get too excited.”   But Daisy hurried towards the patio all the same, closely followed by Jo and then Tina who grabbed Mike as she went, perhaps sensing Roger’s desire for a private word.   It was hard for Roger not to be concerned when you rose slower than the others and reached him after they’d all disappeared. He felt as if you’d have walked right past him if he’d not caught your arm. You seemed almost surprised to see him.  “Hey, how are you going? He asked softly, hoping he sounded normal, “Not too overwhelmed? I know they can be kind of loud but-” 

You moved quicker than Roger was prepared for and he staggered back a little as your lips met his, but nothing was as surprising as how purposeful the kiss felt. Your lips pressed hard to his, your arms wrapping around his neck and without thinking Roger tugged you in close, not sure what had brought on the sudden display of affection but not wanting to interrupt it either. He liked kissing you and it felt too nice to question it much. Thankfully you seemed to want the kiss to continue as much as he did, though that did mean the end of it was just as unexpected as the start.   “What - uh – what was that for?” Roger asked, trying to blink some sense back into his brain.  “For looking after me.”  It took a moment longer than it might have before you’d kissed him, but eventually the pieces all fell into place and he nodded his realisation, “I take it you heard about Daisy’s ex then?”  “Yeah, and some other stuff.”  Before Roger could even begin to wonder what the other stuff could be or to reassure at all, you continued.   “Sorry I’ve been so stubborn about things. I made it harder for you. But I think I understand now.”  “Understand what?”  “About why it’s not all about what Dylan wants.”   That was the last thing Roger had expected to hear and for a moment he considered whether you might have overheard his conversation with Mike. But he couldn’t deny that he was pleased with your admission, and he found himself smiling as he took you in again, “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Do you want to talk about it later, after everyone goes?”  “Maybe.” 

He reached for your hand but thought better of it, switching instead to rubbing your arm in what he hoped was a comforting way. The last thing he wanted was to make you feel pushed into talking before you were ready and yet he was dying to know more. He wanted to send everyone else home right then so he could ask you about what made you understand. He wanted to kiss you again, kiss you a lot, too, just to show you how glad he was. And he wanted to tell you what hadn’t felt right to say the previous week. That he thinks about you too, much more often than he should. That he worries for you and wants to keep you safe. But it would have killed the mood during the last session, and it felt like too much to admit now. Too big of a conversation for right then. And besides, he’s not even sure how to say any of it properly. Mike had assumed jealousy and he doesn’t want you to think the same thing. So instead all he said was, “C’mon, you look like you need some sugar, let’s go eat dessert,” as he gently lead you outside.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

But he did get his chance later. Once again, you’ve surprised him. In a good way, of course. For someone who was so against sensory play to start you’d sure taken to it like a duck to water. He would have felt terrible if you’d found it boring or uninspiring. But instead he got to enjoy a fairly relaxed evening with you. And relaxing was what he needed after how tense he’d been throughout the munch. You needed it too, he decided. Not just because of how draining it was to meet new people and come to world shattering realisations, but also because he’d asked a lot of you over the past few weeks. You’d tried so many new things and been pulled out of your comfort zones. It felt right to offer you an intimate experience that was less intense than what you might have been expecting. He let you just enjoy the sensations and quietly process the day as he prattled on with all the stuff he’d planned for his lesson. And each time you squirmed or giggled when he painted somewhere ticklish, he felt especially pleased. Although, not quite as pleased as he felt when you asked if you could paint him. That was a good sign if ever he’d seen one. Not just that you were enjoying the moment, getting out of your head, but also that you could be interested in taking more control. Of course, wanting to paint on him was not the same as wanting to be dominant in a more explicitly kinky scene, but it was a step in that direction. He watched you closely as you painted his shoulder, wondering if he could ever interest you in testing the waters further. He could feel himself getting harder at the idea of you domming him and tried to focus on what he had to tell you about different paints. It was hard though when you were so close. He could feel your breath as you leaned in, focusing on getting the shape right, and you were so close. You’d been closer, of course, but not like this. It made him shiver as he supressed the urge to pull you into a kiss. And then you leaned back and he mentioned Margo and suddenly things had dissolved into something much sillier. He was nearly breathless from laughing but seeing his finger prints on your arse made him giggle again and something about it pleased him greatly. But then he looked down and saw his cock covered in blue, the paint more evenly distributed where your palm had been, thinner under your fingers. He swallowed hard when he realised he could see your fingerprints in the paint. 

After that things quieted down again. He liked watching you while you painted him, content not to say too much. There was nothing more he had to teach about sensation play, he’d given you all the important information. You were quiet too which was understandable. There was a lot to process from the munch and he supposed dwelling on it while mindlessly painting was as good a time as any. He was just glad to be with you, playing with paint, able to make sure you were okay. And then suddenly, apropos of nothing, you asked how he’d gotten into BDSM. It was a surprise but Roger was happy to answer and he liked that you’d asked the others too, that you’d been seeking out other perspectives. Without meaning to he started telling you about his father. It wasn’t something he’d intended to share, it wasn’t something he really talked about ever. But he wanted you to understand what an affect it had had on his approach to doming, especially now you seemed to have grasped what he’d been trying to teach you about submission and power.    “The line between kink and straight out violence can become very thin at times and there are a lot of people who don’t understand the difference, and some who do but ignore it anyway.” He wanted to tell you that maybe Dylan was one of those people, hopefully the first group more than the second. He wanted to let you know that thinking about what Dylan could do to you, what he fears he would do to you if given the chance, makes him more anxious and worried than anything else. But he didn't want to scare you. And he didn’t want you to think he’d overreacting because he doesn’t actually know Dylan at all. It’s all just assumptions based on what you’ve said. So he keeps that bit to himself, hoping that telling you what he has is enough to keep you mindful about who you engage in kink with.  

Quiet falls again but it’s comfortable, despite the heavy topic. Roger could say more but he gives you time to think about it, absorb it all. So it’s not until he takes the brush back that he asks his own question.   “Did you mean what you said in front of the mirror?”  It had just slipped out. He was going to ask what else you’d discussed at the munch, if there was anything else you wanted his perspective on. But the mirror scene was never far from the top of his thoughts at the moment and it had pushed through just as he opened his mouth.   You were clearly embarrassed to talk about it and Roger tried not to focus on how cute you were when he flustered you. He can feel your warmth when he rubs your thigh, trying to comfort you a little. He gets why you’re uncomfortable. He’s your professor, you’re his student. You’re not meant to think of each other in these ways. But he does. You’re bewitching, how could he not? And he thinks maybe if you know those thoughts you’ve been having are mutual, you won’t have as much reason to be embarrassed by them. So he admits the thing he’s not supposed to.   “I think about you too.”  This time you’re the one who looks surprised and Roger can’t help but feel a little pleased that he’s got you back, just a little, for how frequently you’ve surprised him of late. He wants to say more – that he doesn’t just think of you, that he dreams of you. That after you leave he’ll spend the next night replaying the sex in his mind, jerking off thinking about you. That he spends longer than he should planning your lessons, longer than he spends on his real lessons sometimes. He always gets caught up imagining how you’ll react to things, how you’ll respond, hoping you’ll enjoy what he plans to do to you. He wants you to know that he loves teaching you this stuff, loves how you approach everything with curiosity. Loves....your enthusiasm. But he can’t admit that. You’ve already had to absorb so much today and it’s been such a nice evening. He doesn’t want to overwhelm you. So he asks you more, just to keep himself from saying too much.  

[tigtree]

I’m really sorry if this comes across as rude at all, but I’m curious about the next chapter of your Raven Cycle apocalypse fanfic. Do you have an estimate for when or if you will update? (I know this sounds so pushy, but I mean no pressure or anything! I just love the premise (I’m a big TLOU fan) and I’m interested in where you’ll take it!)

i don’t take this rudely, don’t worry!!!! if anything it’s really motivating to know someone is invested enough in something i’ve created to ask about updates LMAO <33

chapter 2 is about halfway done— unfortunately i fell victim to the Ao3 Writer Curse everyone jokes about and life has gotten MASSIVELY in the way (most pressing being the general chaos of the holiday season, the loss of a relative and my bitch ass chronic pain). it’ll be out this month hopefully.. if exams and work don’t kill me off first.

some little bits i’ll share about the second chapter so far: it’s blue perspective this time, and she’s very tallahassee from Zombieland (instead of twinkies, it’s yoghurt. someone get this girl some yoghurt.) adam takes his fair bit of the spotlight here so far, and i’m doing my absolute best to accurately represent his single-sided deafness with the aid of my HoH friend. we also get the first pynch dregs (and. i mean DREGS. it’s minor but it’s there) and some silly blue/gansey antics because they’re my absolute beloveds and i couldn’t resist. the slowburn is not very slow apparently LMAO

(chapter one here)

[greatprotector-if]

How would the ROs reacts if the MC is totally oblivious to their feelings?

all my oblivious mcs out there i love you so much <3

Kallias - Genuinely bewildered, because if they want to drop hints they are not subtle about them. "They're for sure trying to let me down easy, right? It's impossible that they don't know. Right?"

After a bit of this, they'll give up on trying to let MC figure it out on their own and pull out all the stops to give MC the greatest and most romantic confession the world has ever seen!! They'd benefit from a teleprompter for sure, but maybe part of their charm is having a silver tongue in all other situations but becoming tongue-tied when they're trying to talk about how much they care <3 Congratulations to Kallias for being the only one who has the guts to come out and tell MC what they want 🥳🥳🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊 (other than slowburn route V but they're gonna be a whole different entity at that point)

Galen -

Take out the "I knew it!" and replace it with "What the hell am I doing" and that's Galen.

So sorry to all my Galenmancers but it is very likely that they aren't going to be the one making the first move LMAO. If your MC is oblivious to Galen's feelings (which is fair because we all know Galen isn't the most expressive person. I don't think they're above trying to communicate their affection telepathically), I hope that they're at least aware of their own and willing to act on them because if not? Things will be... very slow going. Very slow. Galen doesn't expect reciprocation, so they will see little point in confessing. They're perfectly content to pine forever, thank you very much. Nothing could get them to budge but MC themself being direct about their interest.

V - I think, at least initially, V would be thankful for MC's obliviousness. They're still trying to grapple with their feelings themself, after all. They don't want any distractions from their job and they're not used to actively seeking out people's company purely because they... enjoy it. Like who does that lol... so weird... so yeah, they'd need a period of self-reflection first.

As much as they like to think they're always 100% put together, V's a total mess when it comes to MC. Especially if there are feelings involved. Especially if there are romantic feelings involved.

Enemies With Benefits Route V will try to make their feelings known in their own way, and they'll be so frustrated if MC doesn't catch on, but they'll instantly backtrack and deny everything if they do. No matter what the outcome is, it'll be the wrong one. MC's about to be the victim of the world's worst situationship! They're going to have to notice what's going on and take things into their own hands if they want to put a stop to V's weird hot and cold thing.

Slow Burn Route V would have their shit mostly figured out already so they'll be much more straightforward about their feelings. They'll just tell MC what's up and leave them to deal with that LMAO??

[wiltking]

hiya wilt! I have not read cs poe's other works but I look forward to hearing your thoughts about them 👀 may check them out if they're good!

I actually have a rec request from you: do you happen to know any fantasy/sci-fi books like the steel remains where MC is a gay man versus the world but he tears his way thru it all anyway? I know that's a pretty specific concept but that book is one of my favs (sadly the other two books aren't as great) and I've been chasing that feel the first book gave me

i know the feeling you're talking about and agree that ringil is a very special character and if i could take him out of that series and put him somewhere more deserving of him (or more like the first book, even), i would.

a few characters come to mind that i think you might like, that touch on some of that same unapologetic faggotry and anger, but disclaimer that your mileage may vary.

Chess Parteger from the Hexslinger trilogy by gemma files - the most angry and faggoty on this list by a mile, chess is one of the characters of all time to me, and he definitely spends a lot of time fighting against the world and everyone in it, and raising hell wherever he goes. heads up that the series contains a lot of disturbing content, more so than usual, as its part horror.

Felix Harrowgate from the Doctrine of Labyrinth series by sarah monette - not a series i recommend much, because i think it has a lot of weak points, especially in the middle. but in the end i found it very worthwhile with a strong, thoughtful conclusion. felix is a very flawed man, and a large part of the story deals with him working through the unsavory effects trauma has had on his behavior and thoughts. but i enjoyed the rage, and the grief, and the healing that came along with it.

John from The Rifter by ginn hale - less outwardly angry and unapologetically gay than the others on this list, but still fits the bill and is worth a mention for the colder vibe of the story itself, which reminds me a little bit of the steel remains. and he's just an incredible character who definitely does his fair share of tearing through the world.

Vanyel from The Last Herald-Mage trilogy by mercedes lackey - i have issues with this series (mostly the conclusion which i found to be insulting. among other things) but vanyel himself is a great 'gay hero' type character who prevails against all odds. much of the story deals with his gay loneliness and grief and his journey of healing while also saving the kingdom. less fire and more slowburn though, hence his position here at the bottom.

[chaotic-on-main]

Chapter 5: March

☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world

☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence (to be continued as writing is ongoing)

☾ Author's note ➼ Hey guys! So uh, this chapter is a lot. In a lot of ways lol. There's some fluff, there's some slight angst. Overall, there's finally some explanations that I hope ties the whole story together. I hope y'all like it because I've been kicking myself over this chapter ALONE. If you missed the last chapter, you can catch that here!

☾ Word Count ➼ ~9.1k (please don't hurt me

You can’t help but tug at the thin fabric that scratched at your skin as you pull yourself out of the driver’s side of Hange’s car. The red dress trailing down your figure sat pretty loose, but it was not comfortable to you in the slightest. Come to think of it, it wasn’t just the fabric that made you uncomfortable, it was the fact that Hange had talked you into dressing up in the first place. While Hange spent many days gathering the things needed for her costume, you opted for something you already had shoved in the back of your closet from a Halloween party a couple years ago. And now, you were about to meet Erwin and Levi in said costume when you didn’t even know if they were into this kind of thing. You pull on your flowing sleeves in anxiety as your sister gets out of the passenger side, fixing their eye patch to sit better on their face.

“We made it!” They shriek in the cool, early spring air. They were donned in a casual pirate get up with a loose brown tricorn resting on their ever-frazzled hair. A fake cutlass hung from their hip as well as other colorful bits and bobbles. They look confident and energized as they look over to you with a wide eye.

“Well, let’s go find them! Erwin just texted me that they’re waiting by the admission booths.” You both close the car doors at the same time and you make sure to lock the car with the keys before shoving them down into your small cross-body purse. Your heart flutters as you're reminded again of the two men waiting for you, of the specific one you were nervous about seeing again. Or was it excitement? You weren’t certain. Yanking on your dress again, you follow on Hange’s heels as they trek to the front gates of the Jinae Renaissance Faire.

Not long after do the admission gates show themselves to you both. As you step up to the line, you start to open your purse to pay when Hange grabs your arm and tugs you out of it, muttering something about it already being taken care of. When you give her a disgruntled look, she’s looking off to the side as she screams.

“There you are! I barely recognized you two!” They start pulling you in that direction as you struggle to zip your bag up through the rough bouncing of your running. When you look up, you see two figures, one tall and one short. Erwin and Levi. Your heart practically stops as you realize why you didn’t recognize them at first.

Erwin is dressed as a knight, his helmet tucked under his arm. You’re not sure if the silver reflecting off the sun is from real metal or not, but it’s quite the look regardless. He’s grinning down at you, and it made him look like a very handsome, well, knight in shining armor.

Levi stands next to him, arms crossed over his chest and he’s staring straight at you with a look you couldn’t discern, you don’t notice the way his eyes widen in recognition for a second. His stark gray eyes are covered by a black mask. He’s also wearing a solid black pirate-esque costume, gloves included. You gasp because you knew this costume. You knew it because you had dressed up as his character’s counterpart.

“Well, well, well. Look at what we have here!” Hange exclaims as they stop short in front of them. You wave to them with a wavering smile and then point to Levi’s get up, flicking your finger up and down his body with a furrowed brow as a way to ask, ‘Did you know?’

“I did not choose this.” Levi states briskly. He curls his right hand around the sword hilt that rests on his hip, the sound of leather squeaking as he does so.

“You can blame me for that,” Erwin’s deep voice cuts in, amused. “He wasn’t going to dress up, or even come for that matter, but I finally talked him into it.”

“Oh yeah? What did it?” Hange’s eye widened in faux surprise, a smirk playing on their lips.

“Are we going or not?” Levi starts walking in the direction of the entrance, not bothering to look behind him to see if anyone was following. Erwin chuckles and goes after him, and you and Hange are quick to follow.

The fair took place in a campsite deep in the forests of Jinae. The afternoon sun peeked its way through a canopy of tall evergreens. Fresh early spring air breezes through the trees as well as your flowing hair and you can’t help but breathe in deeply. What a gorgeous day, you think. Fallen foliage crunches underneath you as you all make your way deeper into the festivities. Plenty of people mill past, many of them dressed up to the nines and chattering away happily. You pick up the pace in excitement as your eyes wander.

The smells of smoked meat and various vegetables filled the air as you drew closer to the heart. There also lie a variety of stalls selling trinkets, fake weaponry, and leather goods that lined up parallel to the path you walked on. You couldn’t keep the grin off your face as you stare at it all in awe. An elven woman with antlers covered in sparkling gems bounces up next to you with a big smile and holds out a white lily for you to take. You hesitate but take it from her fingers delicately and sign a ‘thank you’ at her with your other hand. Her eyes go wide and enthusiastically signs back ‘You’re welcome.’ You can’t help it, you giggle in delight. She waves goodbye and flounces away, the assorted chains that littered her body twinkling in the sunlight as she does. When you turn back to your group, Hange and Erwin are already far ahead, but Levi has stopped and is staring at you.

You inhale the flower’s scent as you saunter up to where Levi stood; he hadn’t moved an inch as he waited for you to catch up. His eyes are dark as they study your face. His mouth opens like he’s about to say something but then immediately closes it, turning away from you swiftly and starts off in the direction of the rest of the group. You purse your lips as you trail behind him, slightly annoyed.

Ever since Hange’s Valentine’s party last month, Levi has been really strange around you, even through your text messages. It’s not like how it was after the gala, it felt more isolating. Like he wasn’t allowing you into his space. Which granted, is pretty normal for anyone trying to get to know him better. But it didn’t really feel like you were just anyone, at this point. After that night on the patio at his apartment, it really felt like you two were getting along better. But now it felt like he was shutting you out again. It was all so frustrating.

Your group spent the next few hours bouncing around different activities; Everyone took turns deciding. Erwin had chosen a jousting match to kick things off. It wasn’t really your thing, but Erwin was captivated the whole time. Even Levi’s eyes never left the rough sport for a second, but his face didn’t give off a single emotion. It ended when one of the riders got knocked off so hard that they didn’t even get up from the dirt. Considering the lack of urgency to get him off the field, it must have not been a life-threatening injury. Still, you can’t help but feel bad for the guy.

After that, it was Hange’s turn and they decided on a play that was showing in the amphitheater. They were doing some sort of homemade play about a princess being held hostage from bandits and a knight that goes on a journey to save her. It wasn’t half bad, you thought. Your favorite part was when the savior got their almost doll-like blonde-haired princess to safety, they took their helmet off to reveal it was actually a lady knight; She has choppy brunette hair that was pulled into a low ponytail and freckles that dotted along her nose. The way the knight and the princess stare toward one another makes you really feel the love that they held for each other, and you had to admit the ending got to you because of it. You applaud loudly as the cast takes a bow, the knight and princess both holding onto each other with wide smiles.

A half hour later, you all find yourselves standing outside of the amphitheater trying to think of what to get for a late lunch. There were so many food stalls that it had started to overwhelm you. You fidget with your sleeves as you watch Hange and Erwin talk, while Levi stays quiet as always. You glance at him with a side eye in hopes he would meet your gaze. However, he keeps it averted from you, appearing to people watch instead. It’s not like he had ever ignored you in the past month, but his abnormal stoicism towards you was really starting to get under your skin. His guard was up, and you didn’t know why. What had changed from that night of the party to now?

“I think we passed a stall back that way that sold pizza. I want that!” You hear Hange say in excitement, pointing down a dirt path to your left.

“You are more than welcome to do so but I think I’ve decided on one down there. I saw something about meat pies, and I’m intrigued.” Erwin stares down at a map of the grounds as he speaks.

“What about you two? Does anything stick out to you?” Hange spins on you and Levi.

“Whatever.”

You just shrug with a small smile.

“Great input, guys.” They roll their eyes at you and go back to looking over Erwin’s shoulder at the map.

“Well, we could all split up for a moment to get our respective lunches and reconvene at the axe throwing and archery area in about an hour or so? I think you wanted to do that for your turn?” Erwin pipes up as he looks behind his shoulder at you. You nod vigorously at it all, mainly at the choice of activity. You’ve always wanted to try both sports and were ecstatic when you saw it on the list of available stations.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea. There are a couple of other booths I wanted to check out earlier, this is a good opportunity.” Hange says as they stare down the path where the supposed pizza stall sat. You wave to get their attention.

‘I’m going to wander around myself then, if that’s cool with you?’ They give you a skeptical look and purse their lips.

“Will you be okay alone?” Levi’s head jerks up to Hange’s question then to you.

“She’s going alone?”

“She asked if she could.” They shrug their shoulders and Levi scoffs but says nothing else.

“Make sure your phones are on you and we’ll meet up in an hour.” Erwin cuts in, nodding to each of you before turning on his heels and disappearing in the crowd. So businesslike, you chuckle to yourself. Your sister grabs your hand then squeezes it before running off down the other way. Then it’s just you and Levi. You both look at each other. You’re about to offer if he would like to walk with you but he turns his back to you before you can get his attention.

“See you in an hour.” He says and walks into the crowd without looking back, leaving you alone. You blink hard at the empty space. Even after spending hours together, he’s still distant with you. You can’t help the hurt from seeping into your chest. You bite your cheek as you turn and start off in a random direction with no idea of where you’re going.

.

See you in an hour? Levi couldn’t stop the cold words from sliding out. He almost asked if he could tag along with you but he forced himself to walk away because he couldn’t dare to look you in the eyes. He’d been so careful around you in the last month but it’s like he couldn’t hold back anymore. If he put himself in a position to be with you alone, there’s no telling what else might come out of his mouth. Levi was afraid it wouldn’t come out the way he wanted. He needed more time to figure out how he would approach you about the past, your past. And how his guilt was suffocating the life out of him.

Levi shoves his hands in his pocket as he weaves through the crowd in the direction of their rendezvous spot. There wasn’t anything he needed at this place so he decided he would give his leg a break while he waited for everyone else. That is until something sparkling in the late afternoon sun catches his attention. His good eye snaps to it immediately and he can’t help but take a couple steps closer to get a better look at what it was. There hanging on a small jewelry stand is a delicate gold necklace. It was simple and modest despite its shine.

“Ah, I see this has caught your eye.” A soft voice rings out from behind the counter, belonging to an older lady that he had not noticed before. She has short blonde hair that had started to gray at the roots and light, kind eyes that crinkled in the corners. A warm smile lights up her face.

“No, I was just going.” Levi’s eyes trail back to the necklace before turning around to leave.

“It’s my last one for the day. Since it caught your eye, I’ll let it go at a special price. Who is it that’s on your mind?” Levi’s steps falter then he looks back at the woman with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry?”

“Forgive me, but you seem to have that look on your face that only someone gets when there’s a person on their mind. So, who is it?” The lady leans over on the table she sat behind, propping herself up with her elbow and stares at Levi with earnest.

“I- that’s not any of your business.” He clicks his tongue and starts off in the direction behind him again.

“Whoever it is, they must be causing quite a storm inside you!” She shouts out.

“You don’t know anything about me.” Levi digs his heels in the dirt and stalks back over to the booth where the lady sits, his hands clenched into fists as he stares hard into the accuser’s eyes.

“Oh, no? There isn’t someone in your life right now digging up your past?” Levi reels and opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

She continues, “Humor me, son. This old woman is getting bored of the hustle and bustle out there. What’s on your mind? I’ll give you the necklace as payment if I find it entertaining enough.”

“Ma’am, not to be rude but I literally do not know you. And my life story isn’t some story for you to gawk at.”

“Strangers make the best confidants I find. And you look like you’re about to burst at the seams.”

Levi considers this for a moment. He hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about what’s been plaguing him all month. Since that night in your bedroom, seeing those picture frames. It had shaken him to his core and the only person he actually wanted to talk about it with was you, and, well. This woman was indeed a stranger, what could it hurt? He’s never going to see this woman again, he hopes.

“Tch, fine.” Levi sighs heavily and starts from the beginning.

.

It had been about an hour since your group broke up when you found yourself trekking to the rendezvous spot. You had a great time wandering around by yourself, making sure to double back to a couple stalls you had passed earlier in the day. While you focused mainly on window shopping, you couldn’t help but buy yourself a tiara inlaid with the most spectacular fake gemstones. They glimmered off the late afternoon sun as you passed underneath the spotty shaded canopy with a cup of hot liquid in your hand. Even though Levi had brushed you off earlier, you were not going to let that bother you. Maybe he was going through something right now and wasn’t ready to talk to you about it, you hope.

When you make it to the clearing, you smile as you see Levi sitting at one the benches massaging his leg. There’s a small paper bag next to him. As you get closer, his gray eyes look up to meet you and pinches his lips together into a thin line. There was something different about his aura now, it didn’t feel as hostile as before. Though you could tell there was something still bothering him. When you’re right in front of him, you offer him the cup. He raises an eyebrow at you before taking a tentative sip. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Is this black tea? Where did you find this?” He takes another drink the way he does with his fingertips. You hold up a finger to him and grab your phone out of your purse.

‘A stall all the way on the other side. I did a lot of walking in the last hour.’

“I couldn’t find a drink stall that had anything I wanted. Thanks.” You give him a nod and drop yourself down next to his side on the bench to wait for the rest of your party. Levi says nothing else, but he does give you a side eye and glances up at the shining headpiece you adorned. You can’t help but smile widely at him and strike a lazy pose to show it off. You really did feel like a real princess even with the itchy dress. He turns his head away quickly and you fold your hands onto your lap, your smile slowly fading. You wish you could read minds.

“Ah, there you two are!!” A voice shrieks out. Hange comes practically skipping over with a grinning Erwin right behind her. “Sorry we’re so late. I have no excuses.” You can’t help but roll your eyes and laugh as you stand up to meet them. You hear Levi shuffling to do the same, the paper bag crinkling in his hand as he grips it tightly.

“I hope you all ate well because it’s time for some axe throwing and arrow nocking.” Erwin says with a slight chuckle. You nod vigorously and start off under the archway leading into your next activity.

Archery was not your forte, you quickly find out. You couldn’t stop holding the bow in a way that would keep the string from snapping back into your forearm. You had to stop after a couple tries because you feared if you tried any more, the bowstring would slice right into your skin. There will most definitely be a bruise there by the end of tonight. Erwin was phenomenal with the bow, and you could not help but stare in awe as he basically achieved a bullseye with every other arrow.

Axe throwing on the other hand was cathartic in all the best ways. You were not very accurate at it, but you achieved hitting the hard wood and that was an accomplishment all in its own right. Everyone had taken several steps back when it came to Hange’s turn. The wicked gleam in her eyes was enough to warn every one of her potential. Fortunately, she was actually fairly good at the sport. One of her axes only bounced back once. Levi, of course, was great at both sports, hitting the targets with deadly precision. You shudder at the thought of anyone on the receiving end of Levi’s wrath given the opportunity to use weapons like these.

The sun was just starting to lower in the sky when it was time for Levi’s choice. Like you, he went with something a little more physically exerting. He opted for sword fighting. You could tell that Erwin was just as excited for it as well because his smile had not left his face the entire time you all made your way down to the field. Hange wasn’t exactly thrilled about it because she worried what might happen even with wooden swords, so both of you decided to sit on the sidelines to watch them closely.

They must have been sparring partners in a past life because the way they moved around each other in the field was mesmerizing. Every hit was met with a perfect parry. There were dodge rolls and feint attacks. Even with Levi’s physical limitations, he was still keeping Erwin on his toes, neither one going easy on the other. You had to admit that it was fun to observe them go at each other.

In the blink of an eye, you watch as Erwin twists his body in a way that grants him access to punch Levi in the face with the hilt of his sword. You stand up quickly, about to jump over the guardrail to make sure Levi was okay but he doesn’t even falter. He staggers back for a moment but goes right back into a defensive stance. From here, you can see the left side of Levi’s face has a small dribble of blood running down it. It’s coming from a cut above his left brow, and he’s not even batting an eye.

Levi comes at Erwin so quickly that you’re barely able to keep up with it. In a flash, he’s right behind Erwin and about to kick his legs out from under him but Erwin throws himself into Levi to knock him back. And then they’re at it again. You lean over the rail in anticipation, glancing back and forth between them and the sword instructor in hopes that they would come over and make them stop before things got too rough. But they did nothing, in fact they were staring at them in awe just as you were at their movements.

“Shit!” You hear along with the clattering of a wooden sword against the hard dirt. You stare in panic as you see Erwin holding his right wrist as he grimaces in pain. You and Hange immediately start running to them.

“Oh fuck, Erwin I’m sorry. I didn-“

“No, no. We were both going too hard. I should have seen this coming.” He says through gritted teeth as he holds his hand to his chest.

‘Are you okay? What happened?’ You sign to him quickly, your face no doubt flushed with anxiety. Levi is horror stricken as he stares at his best friend, who as always remains calm. The instructor is nowhere in sight when you need him, of course.

“A simple disarming maneuver. It’s just twisted is all.” Erwin nods down at you in reassurance, adding a warm smile with it. You’re most definitely not reassured.

“Alright boys, let’s take you both to the infirmary.” Hange sighs as she grabs Erwin by his other arm and tugs him along. You take a step forward to follow but Levi just huffs behind you, no sign of movement comes from his direction.

“You all go ahead, I’ll be fine.”

“Levi, you’re literally bleeding from your head.” They snark back.

“I’m fine, just go.” Levi turns and walks back to the benches where your and Hange’s things sat currently. You look over to Hange with bewilderment but they just give you a cheeky grin.

“Stay with him, we’ll be right back.” They shout as they continue to pull Erwin away in what you guess is the direction of the medical tent. You click your tongue, a habit you accidentally picked up from Levi, and spin back around. Levi’s trying to dab at his wound with the bottom of his black costume shirt, his lower abdomen peeking through and you force your eyes back up to his face as you make your way towards him. You grunt to get his attention, cocking your head to the side when he looks up.

“What?”

Sliding your phone back out of your purse, you type quickly, ‘You’re not doing a very good job at that.’

“Tch, I can’t exactly see what I’m doing.” He looks away as he lets go of his shirt. You pull yourself up the stairs to where he sat and straddle the bench so you’re facing him. Grabbing a couple of napkins from Hange’s bag and a water bottle you had purchased at the start of the activity, you then wet them carefully so as not to spill too much. Levi’s staring hard at you.

“What are you doing?” He asks in apprehension.

You only stare back at him, softening your gaze as you lift your hand up slowly to his face. He doesn’t flinch back, which you take as a good sign of him trusting you. You use your other hand to pull his hair back a little and start dabbing at the cut carefully with the wet napkin. The gash isn’t bleeding anymore, thankfully. Most of it had already started coagulating. The spot had also started to swell with heat and when you press back down on it gently, you feel him wince with a hiss. You then rub at the dried blood that had trickled down his face. When you do so, your eyes flicker over to him and he’s staring at you in such a way that makes you falter. He looks away quickly after you both lock eyes for a second. It was only for a moment, but it was such an intense look. You’re suddenly aware of how close you are to him, so you sit up straight and scoot back.

‘Be right back. I’m going to get ice for your welt.’ You type as you pick yourself up from the bench. He clears his throat and sits back as well, nodding in acknowledgment. Tossing the blood stained napkins into a trashcan on your way out, you pick up your pace as you feel your face warm up. He was so close to you; you could smell his signature fresh laundry and body wash. And it was almost as if his stormy gray eyes were a magnet, drawing you into them. You shake your head at the thought as if to clear them out of your mind.

When you finally find a stall that would give you a cup of ice without charging, you make your way back to where you left Levi. It takes you a minute, but you finally spot him pacing back and forth frantically. When he sees you, he stops in his tracks then sprints over to you. His black mask is all forgotten and you’re able to see his full features; His face is full of fear, eyebrows knit and eyes wide.

“I- we need-” Levi breathes out. Even his voice is wavering with panic. You set the cup down and type faster than you ever have before.

‘Levi, breathe. What happened?’

“I need to get out of here, but I don’t know where Erwin and Hange went. Erwin is my ride. But I need to go.”

‘Go where? What happened?’ You grab onto one of his hands in hopes to ground him. His eyes are darting around wildly. When you squeeze his hand hard to get his attention, they finally land on your face and you take a deep breath, hoping he would follow. He attempts to but it’s fairly shallow.

“Sh-she’s back at the hospital. Something happened and she’s there and I…” Is all he manages to get out. His eyes are frantically looking around for the others. She? You grab all of your belongings as well as the things left behind from Erwin and Hange and tuck everything under one arm. With the other, you pull out your car keys and reach for Levi’s hand. He jolts back, staring at you with alarm. You reach for it again and clasp it with keys tucked in between both of your palms, then you start running for the entrance of where you all came from.

With the evening drawing near, there were not nearly as many people here as there was before, but it was still enough to be a nuisance to run through. You gripped onto Levi’s hand so tightly, afraid of losing him in the crowd. You don’t notice but at one point, he starts to hold on with both of his hands for dear life. When you finally break out, you dash down the aisle where your car was. There was no time to let Hange know where you two were going, you would have to do that when you got to where you were heading. Just as there was no time to ask Levi what the hell you two were doing, you would get answers later. All you knew was that he was panicking, and you had the power to help him.

When you eventually find the car, you toss in the things under your arms into the back seat then throw yourself into the driver’s side. Levi does the same on the passenger side and you don’t hesitate to back out before checking to see if he was buckled in. In mere moments, you’re zooming down to the only hospital in town.

.

The car ride was filled with Levi’s panicked heavy breathing as you did your best to weave around the end of day rush hour. Every once and a while, you would hear Levi cursing at a red light or a stop sign, his hands gripping the dashboard so tight that his knuckles turned white. One of his knees was shaking up and down so fast you’re surprised the car doesn’t bounce with it. Without thinking, you reach over with one of your hands and place it on top of his knee gently. It stops. You spare a glance at him and he’s staring straight ahead, but he makes no move to throw your hand off him. You both stay like this for the rest of the ride.

After what feels like an eternity, you drop Levi off at the front so you can find a place to park. It takes a couple minutes but you’re able to find a spot near the back, though you don’t get out of the car right away. Instead, you take this time to send Hange a quick text about your situation as well as collect yourself. Levi’s panic is not something you’ll soon forget. It hurt you to see him so distraught. Multiple heavy breathing exercises later, you unbuckle yourself and head out into the now cool evening, the Emergency entrance in your sights.

You deal with communication issues at the front desk but finally you’re able to find where Levi headed off too. It was the waiting room of the surgery wing and you felt your heart sink to your stomach. What happened? When you make it through the doors, you find Levi pacing back and forth with his hands tightly knitted in his hair. He looks up to you with hollow eyes but says nothing. He maintains his pacing so you decide to sit in a chair near him, watching him as he does. This continues for a bit until a woman in gray scrubs comes out of the surgery ward, a clipboard in hand and a neutral expression across her face.

“Ackerman?” She calls out. Levi stops dead and he’s quick to bound over to her with you right behind.

“What’s going on?” His voice is gravelly and dripping with anxiety. She eyeballs the two of you and only then do you remember that you both pulled up in matching costumes, now sticking out like a sore thumb in comparison to the white, sterile walls. You wrap your arms around you self-consciously and shoot her a weak grin.

“She’s in stable condition right now. But I’m afraid your mother suffered an extreme heart attack earlier this evening. We had to perform an immediate PCI. The blockage was found and taken care of in time, fortunately.” The nurse states calmly. Mother?

“How did this happen?” His words come through gritted teeth.

“I was not told of the specifics, I’m sorry.”

“Can I see her?”

“You may but she won’t be awake for a while. She just got out of surgery.” She murmurs as she takes a close look at her clipboard.

“I don’t care, I need to see her.”

She looks up from the board to take a look at Levi’s face closely, her eyes trailing up to the cut on his eyebrow before asking, “Would you like us to take a look at that wound while you’re here?”

“No. Can we go now?” Levi clips impatiently.

“Very well. Come with me.” And she starts off to the double doors behind her, pulling her badge out to unlock them. Then she sees you following Levi’s steps and stops to speak to you. “I’m sorry, are you family as well?” You don’t see it, but Levi’s eyes narrow at the nurse.

“She’s with me.” Is all he says but his choice of words makes your stomach flutter. With me. The nurse just sighs and taps her badge to the scanner causing the doors to open with a beep. You’re led down a maze of halls until you get to a room with a big glass window. As you pass it, you’re hit with a fleeting feeling of familiarity at the face that belonged to the woman in the bed. After following Levi into the room, the nurse then closes the door behind you with a click.

The room is silent all besides the beeping of the monitors next to the bed. Levi is already at the woman’s, his mom’s, side. He’s holding her hand and his expression has already gone from dread to worried relief. Your eyes trail over to the woman’s features, and you gasp audibly because this face was indeed familiar. But your mind feels like it’s hitting a wall because you can’t recall exactly why she was so familiar and it frustrates you. Taking a couple steps forward, you eye the beautiful face trying to rack your brain still. Nothing. Levi’s staring at you like he wants to say something but thinks better of it and shifts his gaze back to his mom. Not this again.

You pull your phone out of your purse and type a quick message to him. A notification ping goes off, but he makes no effort to check it. You wave at him to get his attention and when he looks over, you point to your phone and then towards him.

‘I’m glad to know your mom is okay. Are you?’

“I’m fine.” Short and to the point, as always.

‘You looked like you wanted to say something a minute ago. What?’

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

‘Don’t shut me out. What is it?’

“I’m not shutting you out.” His voice straining.

‘You are. What’s going on with you?’

“There’s nothing going on. Leave it alone.”

‘No. Ever since the party, you’ve been distant with me, and I deserve to know why. What happened that night? Did I do something wrong?’ You stare hard at Levi, but he continues to stare down at the screen. His grip on the phone is tight.

“This is not the time for this right now.” He mumbles coarsely. You huff loudly and slap your hands down to your thighs. His gaze finally cuts over to you, his eyes dark and tired more than usual. Both of you lock eyes for a moment, and you can tell he’s thinking of something else to say to you but then the room is filled with the noises of your stomach growling violently. Your cheeks are quick to flare up and you’re the first to break away from the staring contest.

“Hungry?” Levi quips in a dry tone. You’re quick to frown at him. But you are, you’re severely hungry. In the hour that you were supposed to feed yourself, you ended up window shopping the whole time. Even when you stopped to grab Levi that tea, you didn’t buy yourself food. You were just too engrossed with your surroundings.

“Just go get some food, you’re not useful here.” He’s right, but you can’t keep the hurt look from flashing across your face at his words.

‘Neither are you. Besides, I don’t want to leave you.’ Only after you hit send are you aware of what you just said and you quickly type out, ‘Since I’m your ride, and all.’ Nailed it.

“I can call Erwin.” He could, but you wanted answers and you had him cornered for once.

‘Just come get dinner with me. I’ll take you right back here after. The nurse said she’d be out for a while anyways and that she’s stable. You know they’ll call you if anything happens.’ You glance back over to his mom to study her face again. She was just as beautiful as his son, her features just the same as his. Her familiarity still itched at you.  When you don’t hear a response, you look over to Levi and see that he’s eying you with thought. You offer a small smile, and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine. But here right after.” You swear you hear his stomach rumbling as well.

.

After a brief drive, you both find yourselves sitting in red booths at a diner down the street. The smell of greasy food permeates your senses and you’re drooling already. The multitude of options were too overwhelming, so you went with a simple burger and fries. Levi orders the same without even looking at His menu. His mind was clearly far away at the moment.

‘Spill.’ You shoot at him.

“Really, right here?” He clicks his tongue and looks out to watch the cars passing on the street.

‘Yes, really. Why are you being so distant with me? What did I do?’

“You didn’t do anything.”

‘You could have fooled me.’ You use your straw to stir at your soda mindlessly.

“Tch, it’s nothing you did, okay? I mean it.” He mutters as he takes a sip of his water, eyes still focused on the street.

‘Okay, then what is it?’

There’s a pause.

“How much of your childhood do you remember prior to the fire?” Out of all the things you thought he would say next, this is not one of them. It was so out of left field; it takes him staring you straight in the eyes to be able to respond. You blink down at your phone.

‘Not much. Just warm feelings, an older brother and two parents. Why?’ You can’t help but frown.

“There’s no way to say thi-“ He’s cut off by the waitress coming over to set down your plates of food with a wide grin. You don’t miss the way she looks at Levi. There were practically hearts in her eyes.

“Anything else I can get y’all?” She asks, looking between the two of you.

“No.” Levi remarks dismissively, not even bothering to look up at her.

“Oh, well. Holler if you need me!” She chirps then walks away leaving the two of you to stare at each other. You nervously pick at your fries as you send Levi another text.

‘You were saying?’  

“We used to be neighbors when we were kids.” The fry you held in your fingers drops back to the plate as you process what he just said. Neighbors? No, you’re certain you’ve never seen him before. You look up at him and shake your head.

“We were. I used to come over and play with your brother every day. My mother adored you.” Levi mumbles as he pokes at his burger with a fork. You suddenly feel dizzy as you feel that wall from earlier start cracking. Is this why…? A memory of warm cookies and long raven hair zooms through your mind.

“I’m sure all the trauma you’ve endured for years erased many of your memories. I know for certain you don’t remember me, but I guess that would make sense. I’m not the gangly kid you once knew.” He chuckles darkly. You’re still having a hard time processing what he just said but you definitely can’t recall many memories prior to the time you were with the Zoë’s. You continue to blink hard at him, your dinner all but forgotten. After a moment, your fingers start typing again.

‘I’m sorry I don’t remember you.’

“Tch, that’s your takeaway here?” He rolls his eyes and drums his fingers on the hard table impatiently. He was still holding back.

‘Just say it, Levi.’

“I just didn’t know you were alive, is all.” Alive? Did he think… how did he…?

‘How did you find this all out?’

“The pictures on your desk. I did some searching when I got home that night and found the articles about your family. Mom and I heard about the fire about a year or two after it happened from a stranger in passing.” He leans back in his seat, eyes now falling on your pallid face. “You know, we moved when I was around nine, so it was strange to hear about something so far away. We assumed the whole family died, no one knew about a survivor. So that’s why I didn’t think anything of it. Also, because, well, you look different now compared to when you were six.” He averts his gaze and takes a drink of his water as he thinks. You’re glad for the pause because this was enough to make your head go reeling. You sit forward and shove your head in your hands to keep yourself from falling over in the seat.  

A couple minutes pass before you’re able to form coherent words, ‘Is that why you’ve been so distant? Because you remembered we had a past together?’ You look up at him through eyelashes, his gaze soft on you. He shifts in his seat uncomfortably. There’s more.

“No.” His hands that sat on top of the table are clenched in fists so tight that you wouldn’t be surprised if his nails drew blood from his palms. You reach over with shaking hands to hold on to one of his to get his attention. With pleading eyes, you stare up at him. He doesn’t shake off your touch, in fact he clasps his fingers over yours and holds on tightly. They were soft and warm and very much needed.

“My dad was a drunk, a very mean, abusive drunk. My mother worked hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table while he stayed home and drank the day away. I always had to clean up after him since he wouldn’t do it himself, leaving half-drunk liquor bottles and lit cigarettes all over the place. And my poor mom, she was already so tired when she came home that I couldn’t bear to see her do more work.” He grips your hand tighter as he looks away.

“One day, my mom came home while I was gone. I didn’t clean that day because I was out so late. So he starts yelling at her, screaming that she was lazy and never picked up around the house. When I came home, I see this fucker slapping my mother in the face so hard that she fell backwards, and I snapped. I threatened him with a knife and everything, telling him if he touched me or my mom ever again I would kill him. The bastard laughed in my face. My mom was afraid I would follow through with that threat so that’s why she made us move. God, you were so sad that day.” He takes a deep breath and fixes his gaze back to you. His expression is pained and so full of guilt.

“I’m the reason your family is dead.” Levi’s voice is so soft, it was almost a whisper. You knew that to be a lie considering everything he told you. He moved away before the fire even happened, so that’s not possible. You scan his face, your eyes searching for anything other than remorse and guilt but that’s all there was. You shake your head at him furiously. It’s a lie, you know that.

“I am. I don’t know how it happened, but the dirty bastard died in the house fire of his own doing. But then it caught onto yours and… I just,” He swallows hard. “I can’t help but think that if I never threatened him then my mother and I would have stayed. And I could have been there to clean up after him. I could have stopped the fire from ever happening. I could have kept your family safe, and you would still be with them.” There’s a very physical pain in your gut as you slowly understand why he was so distant with you, why he was shutting you out. Levi blamed himself for everything. The speed at which you snatch your phone and type away would have been impressive, had you cared at that moment.

‘Not your fault.’

“Yes, it is.”

‘You did not start the fire. He did. Nothing you could have done.’ You reach over even more to look straight into his stormy gray eyes.

“You don’t understand, I could have stopped it.” Levi repeats.

‘Levi, listen to me. There’s nothing in the world that you could have done to stop it. I know more than most how much I wish it didn’t happen but it did. And knowing that even despite my unfortunate circumstances, you were able to get out of such a shitty situation. And that makes me happy. No one deserves someone like that in their life. Especially not you. I’ve made peace with this. You should too.’ You squeeze his hand tightly and stare up at him with what you hoped looked like a reassuring smile. He doesn’t say anything from behind his phone screen.

‘I don’t blame you for anything and that has to count for something.’ He glances up at you again. It’s like the life had deflated from his body and he looked so small. A part of you wished you could hold him and tell him he was okay.

“Thank you.” His voice is hoarse, causing him to clear his throat. “I should have said something sooner, but I was afraid.”

‘Afraid of what?’

“That you would get mad at me or stop talking to me.” He mumbles. You’re not sure if it was the dark talk or the suffocating tension but you laugh, really hard. It feels foreign to you since you do your best not to laugh out loud usually but you don’t care, his simplicity was so funny to you. He furrows his brows at you and starts to pull his hand away but you grab onto it and don’t let it go.

‘I would never. There’s nothing to be mad about.’ Levi’s shoulder’s slump and you can tell a lot of the stress he held in his tiny frame had finally dissipated.

“That’s not funny.” He complains, but a small smirk twitches at the corners of his scarred lips.

‘Thank you for telling me. Really.’ You squeeze his hand once more before letting go of it, the warmth of his skin lingering on your fingertips. A moment of silence ensues, and you take this moment to take a bite of your surprisingly still warm burger. It was delicious and you’re reminded again of how hungry you really were. Levi hesitates but does the same. It’s like this for a while. Comfortable, yet again.

There was no room in your heart to be mad at Levi, especially for something he was not responsible for in any capacity. You were not lying; you really had made peace with it all years ago. If anything, it was reassuring having answers of what had happened that night. And you were grateful for Levi, even if he didn’t believe it. Something else stirs in your chest but you swat it away.

A couple bites later and you can’t help but ask the most important question yet, ‘What was I like back then?’ His scoff and eye roll intrigues you right away.

“You were such a troublemaker. A little shit, if I might say.” You choke on your soda and stare at him with a dumbfounded expression. “It’s true. You got your brother in trouble a lot. Always having to chase after you. There were a lot of times I had to carry you home kicking and screaming because you didn’t get your way.” He exhales in what almost sounded like content. Something flashes in your mind.

‘Was there a frog?’

“Good god, out of all the things you remember, it’s that incident?” He bites into a fry but there’s a smile behind it. It’s not big or anything but it’s enough to warm you from the inside.

‘Well now you HAVE to tell me.’

“There was a pond down the street that you loved to play in. It had started storming and your brother couldn't coerce you into coming home so I picked you up and flung you over my shoulder while you kicked and screamed. All because you wanted to take a frog home to be your new pet.” A visual of pouring rain and staring down at the wet pavement crosses your mind. You can’t help but smile at the memory.

‘Mr. Froggy.’ You giggle at the memory.

“Yes, I believe that’s what you called him.” Levi wipes his mouth and sits forward to look at you, his mouth open to say something else but he closes it just as fast. You tap your finger on the table and shake your head at him, as if to say tell me.

“Okay, okay. I saw something at the fair that I thought you might like.” You sit up quickly and gawk at him. You then point to yourself to make sure that he meant you. He pulls the small brown bag you saw earlier out of a pocket you didn’t even know existed. Clapping your hands together, you smile brightly at him. He places it in front of you. You waste no time tearing into the bag.

Inside is a thin and dainty gold chain necklace with a small pendant hanging off it. It’s a pink, crystal cherry blossom surrounded by the same gold metal. It was simple and elegant and perfect. You stare up at Levi with wide eyes and he has the brightest pink flush dusting his cheeks. He’s not looking at you. Without even thinking about it, you quickly stand and move to slide into his booth with your back to him, holding the necklace up behind you. You don’t see it, but he is flustered to no end. Though, he understands because he takes it from you and carefully reaches around your neck to clip it on. It sits perfectly and you can't help but turn to him with a wide smile. He's a lot closer than you thought he would be. Silver eyes stare into yours and your smile falters.

“Will this be one check or two?” A chipper voice rings out, making you both jump away quickly. Your face is matching the same flush on Levi’s.

“One, please.” Levi says after clearing his throat. You look back at him with your most offended expression. He just clicks his tongue and pulls out his card from his wallet to hand to the waitress. She runs off to charge it but not before making a face at the proximity of the two of you.

“It’s easier this way.” He mutters quickly. You jump back over to your side, still feeling the heat of your face radiating.

‘Thank you so much, Levi. I love it. How did you know I liked sakuras?’ You cock an eyebrow at him while you fiddled with the small pendant in between two fingers.

“Your bedroom door. It’s a fitting flower for you.” He’s fidgeting with his long sleeves.

‘Something else bothering you?’

“Not really. It’s just, the necklace reminded me of something that’s happening next month and since you love cherry blossoms so much I thought maybe you’d be interested.” He flicks his eyes over to yours quickly before looking down at his phone for your response.

‘Well, what is it?’ It feels like your heart is about to burst out of your chest. Is he asking you what you think he’s asking…?

“It’s a cherry blossom festival. You know, carnival rides, food stalls, rubber duck racing. Would you… like to go w-with me?” He pulls at his collar nervously. You pinch your lips together in hopes it would keep the gigantic grin from forming. You start typing a response but then he quickly cuts in with, “Hange and Erwin are invited of course.” Oh.

‘Yeah, that sounds like fun. Let’s do it.’ You offer him a small smile instead, afraid your disappointment would show.

“Well. Great, that sounds… great.” He sighs.

Yeah, great.

You spend the rest of the evening recalling the last couple of hours in your head over and over again. Hange and Erwin ended up meeting you both back at the hospital and after a quick overview of what happened, both parties went their separate ways with Erwin and Levi staying at the hospital for a little longer. He said he would update you on news of his mom’s status when he got any. It was a very awkward goodbye, to say the least. Thankfully Hange had not asked any questions of what had transpired but you notice their not-so-subtle glances at the new accessory adorning your neck. You had spent a couple hours of tossing and turning in your bed as you replayed every word that was said tonight until finally you were lulled asleep into the late hours.

☆AN ➼ This chapter was so long that I won't be surprised if I missed anything lol. Anyways, I hope y'all liked it despite it being so long (my b) and I appreciate you taking the time to read my delusions. ALSO We're getting closer to the end. I'm aiming to end it on June but we'll see how it goes. The next chapter is going to be all fluff and I am SO excited. Have a great day/night and as always, please like and reblog so I know I'm doing something right. Love y'all k bye. ☆

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