#to be fair i look like a complete textbook lesbian

[aimseytv]

Europeans lol

[oneshotnewbie]

Maggie and Alex's daughter gets beaten up and injured at school because her moms are gay.

ᕚ---ᕘ

A chilly Friday dawned on this clear day over National City as you said goodbye to both your mothers with a warm smile and a friendly demeanor and headed off to school. But within that peaceful aura of yours, there was an invisible darkness that hovered over your life five days a week, causing you to despair. Your mothers, Alex and Maggie, had been happily married for four years, loved each other deeply and had raised you with love and care. Although their love was strong and real, in this conservative teenage community, where hormones reigned supreme, their relationship was highly controversial and it was not acceptable in the narrow minds of some of your classmates.

As you walked through the school gates of National City High School and put one foot in front of the other, you immediately felt the tense atmosphere that would accompany you through everyday school life. As you entered the building, textbooks clutched tightly to your chest, the corridors and halls filled with excited students as the first school bells rang. Sneaking around people, you tried not to draw any more attention to yourself, but the other students' eyes seemed to be on you.

The whispers and giggles were like poisonous arrows piercing your soul and you tried to make your way to your first class, head bowed, when suddenly a group of classmates were throwing insults at you while they laughed behind your back. For the normal teenagers, you were special. "Look at this, people! The adopted girl brought into a lesbian family is on the move again!" one of the boys mocked, nudging his friends to make them laugh maliciously and you felt a lump forming in your throat. "That is perverted."

The words cut through your heart like a knife, seemed to echo in your ears and settle in your brain, your heart starting to increase it´s beat. You tried to hold back the tears and continued walking to his locker, where you planned to put the third through sixth period books. But as you walked towards your locker, you saw a paper hanging on your door that said "Daughter of the Lesbian Gang" written in all caps. The despair and pain overwhelmed you, but you tried to keep yourself together so as not to look like a weakling and make your situation worse.

Things were not any better in class. Some students made snide and mocking comments about your family, and others laughed at you while sticky paper balls were pushed into your hair through a straw. Your teacher either did not seem to notice anything or deliberately ignored the situation and you felt completely alone.

During the first break, the cruelty of the classmates continued. You sat on a bench in the quiet corner of the schoolyard, tears reflecting in your eyes as you looked at your lovingly prepared breakfast that Maggie had made. You felt misunderstood and hurt, your mothers having no idea what happened during school time. You had never said a word about it in their presence. Your thoughts were interrupted when you were pushed away by another student and landed unceremoniously on the floor, spilling your lunch all over the dirty floor. A hateful aura arose around you that seemed threatening to you.

"Oops, I am sorry about that, freakshow" bystanders laughed at a tall girl's words and pointed a finger at you as you tried to pick yourself up and keep your dignity. More students joined in the laughter, and soon several curious eyes found themselves on you. "I am not a freak show and it is not fair to judge my family!" you shouted, the hurt evident in your eyes as you tried to defend yourself from the harsh words.

The girl, a grade higher than you, laughed scornfully and stepped closer before grabbing you by the collar and throwing you to the ground again, straddling your thighs to keep you beneath her. A blow from the clenched fist that hit you in the eyebrow caused a deep cut into your skin through the ring on one finger, which immediately began to bleed. The other students did not dare to pull the girl away from you and help you, but joined in the mockery and cheered her with wild clapping and whistling.

You felt like you were under a magnifying glass as you tried to protect yourself from her blows, but your hands were pinned to the floor by the wrists under her knees. Your heart was pounding with fear and anger, but you did not dare defend yourself further. You tried to hold back tears as you begged for mercy, multiple insults with each blow cutting into your soul like knife stabs. "You are just embarrassing, just like your weird married mothers. No wonder no one likes you."

At the end of the school day, you did not even dare take the school bus. You would not find any peace there, as a few older students were already making fun of you and blocking your way trying to get there. Instead you walked home for three quarters of an hour in the rain. When you got home, your mothers were still at work and you were trying to hide and explain a solution to the injuries on your face. The wounds inflicted on you would heal. But the emotional scars cut deep and hurt your sense of self-worth immensely.

While you were taking care of yourself, you wondered if you should confess to your mothers so they could place you in another school. You could not continue like this in the long run, it would destroy you.

[transformers-fan-continuities]

Spotlight: Rise of the Radiotrons

Here it is folks, the first fan canon spotlight, showcasing Rise of the Radiotrons created by sleeveev! You can find this over at @riseoftheradiotrons and also on AO3! This is a long post, fair warning.

Q) Give us a run down of your cont! What's it about, what's it called, what's it like?

the cont, despite being called Rise of the Radiotrons, revolves around five main groups of characters, and the mystery that accidentally intertwines all of them. a lot of false identities, undiscovered pasts, mystery that you need to read all the way through to really uncover. it also takes place during the attrition phase of the Autobot-Decepticon war, and Megatron and Optimus are... dead. but... weren't they made immortal by the Eternal Surge? where are they?

Q) What characters take the lead here? Any personal favorites?

characters that take the lead? hoo, boy, there's a lot. and be warned, this is OC-heavy. Wavecrash, Blackarachnia, Sparkplug, Pascal, and Ness make up the Earth detective team, the first to investigate the Radiotrons: Nanotube, Quicksilver, Greenscreen, and [REDACTED] (that is not their name, you will learn it later!).

Starscream, Moonkiller, and Pharma investigate a series of rust-related murders, later with the help of Eclipse and Terraform. the two they investigate? two hulking beings that carry a rust of sheer destruction of anything metal, Turbulence and someone known only as The Crimson Doctor. the third part is mostly with just a few characters. Dial-Up and Absolute Zero are in a cat-and-mouse chase, Dial-Up attempting to capture Absolute Zero and return him to the prison he escaped from. other 'bots come into this story, including Pylon, Airachnid, Suture, and Cyclonus, but they are not the main focus.

Turbulence.  this motherfucker. this moldy bitch.

my personal favorites? i love Sparkplug, i love my little gaming PC gal. The Crimson Doctor has also grown on me quite a bit. i'm gonna make fat robots and you can't stop me.

Sparkplug above, Crimson Doctor (Crim) below

Q) I love how he isn’t crimson at all.

oh you'll learn why he's crimson

Q) Ominous! Is there a bigger point to this, like a theme or some catharsis? Or is it just fluffy fun?

a bigger point to this? well, i have quite my fair share of trauma for being in a military family - being on the home front of a war i never even learned about until i was like 12. i wanted to show the horrors of attrition above all, because attrition is the part of war that everyone seems to forget, but is possibly the most dangerous part of it. everyone's killing each other over resources, dying of preventable diseases, resources are spread thin among soldiers and thinner among civilians. it also lets new, perhaps worse groups arise from the dust.

war was never about who was right. it was about who could live longer. and RotR, with its rampant killings that people can't even begin to investigate until their leaders are toppled from their thrones and complete anarchy reigns among military sites, is a testament to that.

war was the cause for part of the namesake of the Radiotrons themselves - the Great Radiation Crisis. war was where everything went wrong

Q) How long have you been working on it?

now, for the slightly less dark - it varies from character to character! while the official plot of RotR was established on August 25 this year, some 'bots go much further back - Pascal's earliest concepts were made on May 8, Nanotube's were made on April 25, and The Crimson Doctor's roots go as far back as a character called The Crimson-Eyed Doctor, a character created on Dec 11, 2019 (happy belated birthday, Crim!).

Q) You’re very meticulous with your dates!

i lose track of all time otherwise

Q) Give us a behind-the-scenes look! Show us a secret ;))

behind the scenes.

this is a mystery cont.

THERE'S A LOT BEHIND THE SCENES.

i will start with some no-context spoilers, here.

and, now for something a bit more genuinely secret.

whether this is a crimson doctor or a red herring, you decide.

Q) Where did you draw inspiration from? What canons, what other fiction, what parts of real life?

this varies from subtle to shameless.

my cont would fit best in an comic format, so it makes sense that i was inspired by IDW - and that it was my entry into the TF fandom! there is also some TFA bits in there, but the majority of it is personal robot worldbuilding, with a couple sprinkles of headcanons and OCs taken from Afterburn, a cont made by a longtime friend of mine.

other fiction i took inspiration from is mostly in the character designs. Blackarachnia was loosely inspired by Tawna from Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time (you went through such a good revamp sweetie. neon lesbian.). if you can't tell that Turbulence took inspiration from Cioccolata from JJBA: Golden Wind, i don't know what to tell you. Crim took less inspiration from a character and more from a trope - the "ever-obedient villain subordinate". i just sucked all of the homoeroticism out of it, and also decided to give him more of a self than just someone who serves the villain.

here's Tawna (specifically Crash Bandicoot 4), one of the big inspirations for Blackarachnia's design! we don't talk about your past sweetie.

and Blackarachnia headshot to compare, because her fullbody is still in progress.

i am sharing this specific image of cio, one of turb's inspos, because i BASED A TURB PIECE OFF OF IT.

real life? RADIATION, RADIATION. i have radiation and radioactive things and the PERIODIC TABLE as a special interest and it SHOWS. it's all radiation. even the names. Quicksilver comes from mercury, Starborn comes from all elements being created from stars in space, Nanotube comes from carbon nanotubes, and [REDACTED] comes from... well, you don't know yet. there's also the whole attrition war thing, for real life inspiration, too.

Q) Show off something you're really proud of, a particular favorite part of your cont.

this piece of Eclipse and Turbulence('s hand), for one

(the image is at the end of the post under a readmore, as it contains eye trauma, eye touching, and roboblood)

and another thing i am particularly proud of are all my worldbuilding posts! they look like textbook entries kinda but i really really love em. here's one of them, though there are many more on the blog!

lastly, my favorite character introduction post. if you know Afterburn, you may be pleasantly surprised seeing this.

Q) Ah, that guy.

fun fact about RotR Absolute Zero! his color palette is taken from a diagram of a human heart. here is the motherfucker in question,

Q) What other fan canons do you love and why? Would you like to see them interviewed?

Afterburn. my best friend made this i can't just NOT advertise it. go look at it there's murderers and there's an OC that's actually very inspired by not one but two of my creations (the original OC he was a fanformer of, and his altmode - I'd had thoughts of various greenhouse 'bots like that). @transformersafterburn​. please don't simp for Abzero. or maybe do. he's a better option than Turbulence.

Mirror Mirror. found at @transformers-mirror-mirror​, it's got so many epic character designs and realistically sized altmodes despite not having realistically sized altmodes this makes me go happy flappy and is also inspiring a future project of mine, also Shattered Glass!

NEW PRIMES OF CYBERTRON. RITO I LOVE YOUR CONT SO MUCH. i summed it up in "transformers ungunned" but THERE IS MUCH MORE GO CHECK IT OUT AFTER YOU FINISH READING THIS INTERVIEW @thenamesblurrito​

Q) [insert flattered keysmashing from me, creator of New Primes of Cybertron, otherwise known as TF:SNAP]

Thank you very much veev! Everyone go check out Rise of the Radiotrons! Stay tuned for next week, when we’ll get to see some Shattered Glass...

(aforementioned image under the cut, warning for eye trauma, eye touching, and roboblood)

[moistmailman]

Imagine an AU where !CheerleaderRuby has a giant crush the the Sweet !MetalHeadPyrrha, who has piercings, tattoos and has half of her head buzzed for the punk rock look.

She gets extremely flustered whenever they talk together. One time Pyrrha waved to Ruby during one of the games and the poor girl just froze up in the middle of the field, blushing madly, much to Pyrrha's confusion. The metalhead actually started to get worried for the short girl. It was pretty hot outside that day, so was Ruby having a heatstroke or something? What was wrong with her? Ruby's cheer captain, Weiss quite literally had to slap Ruby back to her senses. "Ruby, snap out of it! Everyone's staring at you!!!" "W-WHAT?! I WASN'T S-STARING! YOU'RE JUST SEEING THINGS!" "No, I said that everyone is staring at you! I never mentioned you staring at Pyrrha! So snap out of it!" "O-oh right. O-of course you did. I-I knew that.......WAIT, I WASN'T STARING AT PYRRHA!!!" She still was blushing for the entire game while sending Pyrrha discreet (not really) glances.

Another time she spent a lot of money on some metal concert ticket of a band that Pyrrha loves so she could watch it with her. "Whoa, what are you doing here, Ruby? I never knew you like this band." "What? Really? That's surprising, cause I like, love this band. I have all their albums." "Really? What's your favorite song?" "(Panicking) Uh.......O-oh the uh........t-the one about......sticking it to the man, haha, you know? I absolutely love that one. (Sweats nervously)" "Oh cool. That one is pretty popular. Good choice." "(Sighs in relief)" At one point Ruby was complaining that she couldn't see the band due to her short height and then nearly had a gay heart attack as Pyrrha picked her up and put the shorter girl on her shoulders. "There you go. Can you see now, Ruby?" "(High pitched) Y-yeah, I-I can see n-now." "Hey, are you alright? You sound funny." "YEP! EVERYTHING'S GOOD UP HERE! THANK YOU!" "Okay, if you say so."

Another time Ruby actually managed to muster up enough courage to finally confess to Pyrrha. It took her a whole hour to approach the taller girl, but she still did it though.......kinda. "H-hey P-pyrrha, I need to tell you something. Okay uh...well uh......I-I t-think you're really awesome and stuff. Y-you also look really cool, especially with your tattoos and hair. A-and I-I j-just want to s-say that.......y-you're very pretty and I-I like you a lot. D-d-do you want to go on a date with me?!" "(Taking out her earbuds, causing quiet metal music to come from them) Huh, did you say something, Ruby?" "U-uh....I uh.....(nervously swallows) I uh.....I uh....I said uh........" "Ruby? Is everything alright? Your face is all red right now." "........I-I GOTTA GO! HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!! (speeds off)" "..........okay.....you too, I guess. It was nice speaking to you." Ruby then proceeded to go to her sister and cried on her shoulder. "(Muffled) IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! I ALREADY CONFESSED!!!" "There there, little sis. Just let it all out." "(Muffled) SHE'S JUST SO PRETTY! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!! LIFE IS UNFAIR!!!"

Another time they were partnered up for a school project and Ruby decided to use her weeks of training with the art of flirting that she learned from Yang to her advantage. So the girl took the best pick up line in head. A pick up line that is absolutely smooth and amazing. One that would make Yang proud. "Okay, so what part of the project would you like to do? I'm alright with either." ".........." "Ruby? Hello? I'm speaking to yo-" "I LIKE YOUR TATTOOS!" "..................." "..................." "Thank you, Ruby. That's very sweet of you. A lot of people find them to be intimidating a little. So it's always nice to hear a praise about them." "Y-you're welcome, they're very cool." "Thank you again, Ruby. You're very sweet. My favorite tattoo is probably the one on my stomach though. Look (lifts shirt to reveal abs) see? It's Medusa from the Greek mythologies. I'm kinda of a dork for those sorta things. (Chuckles)" "(Face completely red)..............." "Anywho, let's get back to work, shall we?" "O-okay, yeah. L-let's do that. (Hides her face in her textbook)" "Are you okay, Ruby? Your face is all red again." "(Muffled from the book) NEVER BETTER!" Despite that, Pyrrha kept asking Ruby if any thing was wrong during the rest of the session, since her face was completely red the whole time. Although the shorter girl always said she was still alright, while forcing herself to look her in the eyes. ("Oh god. Her eyes are so pretty too! Oh god!") Pyrrha even asked Yang if her little sister had some sort of skin problem, since her face is nearly always red whenever they talk. "No, she has a thirst problem." "Oh, she gets dehydrated easily?" "Yeah, let's go with that."

They finally started dating when Pyrrha asked Ruby out to the movies. But Ruby never realized it was a date until Pyrrha kissed her goodnight at her doorstep. (Poor useless lesbian). "I had a grand time, Ruby." "T-thanks, m-me too. S-s-sorry for jumping in your arms a lot though." "No, it's alright. I should've told you it was a horror slasher movie. It was my fault" "(blushing) T-thank you for holding my hand during it though. I-it really calmed me down" "No problem. You want to go on another date next weekend?" "Most definitely!" "Good. Good night, Ruby." And that was when Pyrrha kissed Ruby right on the lips, sending imaginary fireworks shooting out from her head. Her face completely matched the taller girl's hair and she could barely speak afterwards. She was in a gay mess. "W-W-W-WAIT! T-T-THAT W-WAS A G-G-G-GAY D-D-DATE??!! L-LIKE F-FULL GAY?!" "Yeah, you didn't know?" "N-NO! I DIDN'T!" "Oh, I'm Sorry. I thought I was more clear when I asked you out. "(Lesbian flustered noises)" Look, if you don't want this to be a date then it does-" "N-NO! I WANT THIS TO BE A GAY DATE! A VERY GAY DATE! PLEASE MAKE THE NEXT DATE EVEN GAYER ACTUALLY!" "Oh, okay then. If you're alright with it then-" "YES! I'M A VERY ALRIGHT WITH IT! GO MAX GAY NEXT DATE!"

Yang was listening the whole time from inside the house and teased her for weeks for this. "(Laughing) Please make the next day even gayer. You crack me up, Ruby." "YAAAAAAAANG! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HEAR ANY OF THAT!!!!" "Hello, can I have some extra gay for our next date, Pyrrha?" "SHUT UP!!!!" "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! NOT WHEN I SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM GAY!" "I SAID SHUT UP! (bonks Yang's forehead)" They are an adorable couple though.

[readingwebcomics]

Analyzing Questionable Content: Pages 151-200

High school bully or not, I’d like to reiterate the fact that Dora’s presence is so terrifying that it can repel a trained government agent. That’s a level of badass we should all strive to be.

…I mean like, don’t actually beat people up and steal their cigarettes, lung cancer is bad. But still!

Before getting into things, I’d like to open with a little bit of bookkeeping: First, as was pointed out to me by at least two different people, I COMPLETELY misread #123 – it was Marten who was helping Steve out on a date, not the other way around. This was completely my bad, so I personally retract everything I said about Jeph’s timescale.

Secondly, on my point on Dora’s identity crisis, user Scarlet Manuka had this to say:

For the time frame of Dora's goth phase, I think that Jeph is actually trying to present this as a genuine identity crisis for Dora - but it's also likely one that's been a long time building up. She's probably been becoming increasingly disenchanted with it for the last couple of years, and given that Raven complains that she's missed fifteen or so meetings, it looks like she's already subconsciously let it go quite some time in the past. I think we're seeing more the conscious realisation of a process that's already happened. In many ways that's what an identity crisis is: the realisation that the slow incremental changes we all experience every day have added up into something big while you weren't looking, and that something you thought was part of you really isn't any more.

That’s a perfectly fair point and one I didn’t consider. Thanks for bringing this up, under this light the time frame of Dora’s realization and her gradual shift into a different identity over the course of the next few comics makes perfect sense.

Finally, it was pointed out to me by Marco on the QC Forums that it’s only fair to link to the comic itself in these posts. While I had figured it was really simple to find the comic for whoever’s reading it considering it’s one of the biggest, longest running webcomics out there, they do have a point that I at least owe it to supply links to the site in these posts. So from now on, the dumb intro blurb to each of my posts will hyperlink to the first comic in the batch I’ll be talking about. That way, you can read along with the analysis if you so wish. Cool? Cool.

Now with that all out of the way, let’s move on to the analysis. Agent Turing has nope’d out and Dora saw herself out, letting Marten know that if he buys her dinner she’ll call it even.

This is a weird case of me totally getting WHY Jeph’s going this particular direction – he needs Marten and Faye at an ice cream shop to reveal a bit more about Faye’s backstory, which we’ll be touching on a bit later – but the particular setup for doing this feels… off. This right here reads like a textbook case of a writer going “Fuck, how do I get these characters to do XYZ…” and this being the best solution they could come up with. What’s worse about this is that only a few panels later, Jeph offers a much better alternative:

Literally all he had to do was have Faye be the one to bring this up: Instead of the panel with Marten blatantly asking “So THAT happened, what do you want to do now?” have Faye be the one to bring up that Marten owes her a little something for helping out with the situation, he brings up the ice cream parlor and then the rest of the comic goes on as normal. This may sound pedantic, but it’s a case where just a slight change in wording makes all the difference between sounding contrived and sounding natural.

I have… issues with this comic.

On one hand, Faye is opening up more about her past. A small, innocuous thing spurred her on to open up a little more to Marten, the reminder cracking her mask and showing just how much trauma she’s really containing within. You can tell this is more than just “bringing back memories” – his death had a profound impact on her, there’s something she’s not wanting to bring up or discuss but is being partially dragged to the surface. This is good character writing, and an amazing step in Faye’s character arc. It spurs curiosity, sparks intrigue, makes you WANT to keep reading to see the next time Faye’s mask cracks because you want to see what she’s hiding underneath it.

On the other hand… there’s no nice way to say this – at this point, Jeph is not talented enough at drawing to portray this from an imagery standpoint. The faces are too stiff, the expressions to stock. Faye doesn’t look like tears are escaping from her despite her best efforts to keep a straight face, she looks like she’s mildly disinterested and a blue line to represent tears was drawn on top of her face. Writing can take you far, but the thing about comics is that the written word is only half of the story. Anything you sell with words, you need to also be able to sell with expressions, with physicality and staging.

I’m not an expert in art – not by a LONG shot, I couldn’t draw a comic to save my life – so I can’t exactly offer any advice on how he could’ve made this work better. I’m at least glad to say that with time Jeph came to improve his artistic style, making moments like this feel a lot more natural down the road. He eventually gets comfortable enough with his drawings that he’s able to tell a story using JUST body language, which is admirable. Clearly, we’re not there yet… and unfortunately, it hurts the mood that this comic is trying to sell.

After a week of guest comics, we continue the story with Faye sharing stories about her childhood with Marten, showing just how comfortable she’s become around him that she feels at ease sharing details about her past she likely wouldn’t share otherwise.

Oh, and we’ve got some revelations about Marten’s past here. The Thanksgiving comic where he talks about how his family drives him crazy is starting to make more sense now, isn’t it?

Here, we see three things displayed. First, the fraction used in Marten’s dialogue instead of just saying “half”. I… don’t get why that is. It makes me irrationally angry though. I’m aware that’s fully on me.

Second, this serves to showcase both Marten’s blasé attitude about his strange upbringing and offer potentially an expiation as to why he seems so passive about everything. I’ve offered up the idea in a previous post that when he goes out and makes a choice, it’s enough to completely shift his entire world, so that may have served to encourage him not to not want to rock the boat and keep his head low. This, however, might serve as an alternative explanation, or at least another piece of the puzzle – growing up in a… let’s call it “untraditional” household where his parents were clearly quite open about what they were doing with his son, the fact that Marten grew up to be rather milquetoast serves to make a certain degree of sense.

Third, Marten’s being sassy. I like when Marten’s sassy. As I said, his character kind of… devolves in later comics, so seeing him have a spine enough to throw this out is always fun to read. Plus, it also serves to showcase how comfortable the two of them are with each other that Marten can sling this stuff out without fear of retaliation.

Setup...

The next day, Faye’s leaving for work when a surprise visitor comes to their door.

Marten’s comment always makes me laugh. This comic in general is just hilarious, from Amanda – Faye’s sister’s name is Amanda by the way – triple bomb thrown right into Faye’s lap to Faye’s 404 error to Marten not even missing a beat in his reaction to what’s going on in front of him.

Honestly, I’m with Marten here. And once again, I’m afraid I have to point out the fact that Jeph isn’t quite talented at drawing facial expressions yet ruins the punchline to Faye’s joke in the last panel. At least the writing serves to keep the humor going strong, and don’t mistake me here – these next few comics are gut busters. I fucking love the chaos Amanda causes by just stepping into their lives.

Oh yeah, I guess I should talk about Amanda now, shouldn’t I? Well, uh. Hm. She’s a Lesbian. And she’s a bit of a troublemaker. And like a little bit of a ditz?

…yeah that’s literally all I can think to describe her as. Cut me a little bit of slack here though, at the time of writing we’re on page 4010 and I’d be genuinely surprised if Amanda was in more than 50 pages total. The only real significant things I can think to say about her as a character is how what she says and does serves to inform Faye’s character.

Like right here – we can see the whole “doesn’t plan much further than the very next step you’re about to take” mentality runs in Faye’s family. Also, Jeph’s trying different angles out! Good on him, even little changes like this can serve to make the action feel at least slightly more dynamic!

“Clitoriste” is an amazing word and I hope to find a way to work it into at least one conversation before I die.

Amanda hangs around the coffee shop, swapping sex stories with Dora as Faye desperately tries to claw her own eardrums until Marten comes along. And as I’m saying this, I realize with hindsight that Dora’s being super cool right now, not only letting her loiter around her business but also realizing she was kicked out of her house at least in part because of her sexuality and so is letting her know “Hey, fucking girls is AWESOME, right?” to keep her mind off current events. The more I talk about Dora, the cooler she gets, seriously.

“Aerodynamically curvaceous” is another amazing phrase, this one great enough that Jeph eventually made it into a T-shirt. Seeing as I have as many curves on me as a string bean does, there’s no way I could get away with wearing it myself, but the fact that the shirt exists makes me a little happier to be alive.

Anyway, this comic goes on to show that despite the circumstances, Amanda is taking this rather well all things considered, and Faye has faith that given some time to sit with the information their mom will come around… Also that Faye was a damn good student, which might go on to explain how she was able to absorb so much information about guitars when her ex rambled on about them so much – she just retains information THAT well.

This comic… raises a LOT of questions. The last comic involves characters from another webcomic entirely, making this a fun little Easter Egg/crossover sort of deal. That being said, this raises a LOT of questions about the continuity of QC. Does it take place within the universe of Diesel Sweeties? Or does Diesel Sweeties exist within the universe of QC? The fact that we have a humanoid robot here – does that serve to shed a light on AI development in the QC universe? Did Jeph consider what AI development there would be at this point in writing? I assume not, as thus far the only intelligent devices are Anthro PCs. Is Clango an Anthro PC? Is he a prototype of a more advanced synthetic?

These are questions that were never intended for me to ask, aren’t they? Yeah. That’s what I figured. Considering the fact that Amanda has a girlfriend is canon, and the following phone conversation on the next page is canon as well, the best way to rationalize this is to just pretend that last panel doesn’t exist. Remove it entirely, and this strip fits in perfectly with QC’s established continuity and universe thus far.

Unless you REALLY want to find a way to fit Diesel Sweeties into QC’s universe, which I suppose wouldn’t be that difficult considering it’s a non-plot focused gag-a-day comic, but that’s entirely up to you.

Oh, and speaking of the conversation the two have over the phone:

Credit where it’s due, Dora’s expression on the first two panels is clearly different from the standard set of facial expressions Jeph usually puts on everyone. It’s always nice to see some experimentation! And here’s another situation where Amanda’s main purpose is to drive forward Faye’s character – here we get another hint of something that happened in her past, confirmation that she hasn’t dated anyone in a long time and some kind of source of a reason why she hadn’t. The scar on her chest, the death of her father, the lack of a love life stemming from some event… pieces to the Faye puzzle are falling into place, but we still don’t have everything. We’re given just enough to inspire further curiosity though, which – and I know I’ve said this a hundred times before, but I will say it a hundred times again – is good character writing.

…all that said, I sincerely hope that phone was shock proof. I don’t think her Mom’s exactly going to be in the mood to get her a new one.

Considering Amanda stole her credit card and all, I don’t blame their mom for being furious at her. That said, it’s nice to see that it didn’t take long at all for her to calm down and want to talk things over.

And here, we have specific confirmation that there was a set of “circumstances” that led Faye to want to leave home and move up here. Another piece of the Faye mystery falls into place.

Amanda’s immediately heading off to the airport to return home, leaving Marten and Faye to reel in the wake of an… I’d say it’s fair to call it an intense day.

HAH! If you haven’t read all the way through QC, you don’t understand why that’s so funny in hindsight. Trust me, give it another few hundred comics and it’ll make sense. God, I wonder if that specific reference was intentional on Jeph’s part, or if he just likes Vespas? Then again… he IS an anime buff, it’s entirely possible both events stem from FLCL.

Oh hey, there’s that pink Anthro PC again. We saw them back at the LANPark. Haven’t added them to the character list though since we don’t even know their name, but it seems like Pintsize has friends and a life off-panel. Good for him! I do wonder what ends up happening to these guys later though… Most likely they all just drift apart and move on with their lives.

...Why am I so sad all of a sudden?

And here we see an example of the two of them openly flirting with each other, dipped deep in sarcasm of course but that’s just how these two roll. Their inter-personal relationship has progressed really well and at a nice, natural pace so far. At this rate, something should be coming to a head very soon – either one or the both of them need to acknowledge the fact that they’re getting closer, or something’s going to happen that will throw a monkey wrench into the dance they’re performing.

Ugh. I’m coming to hate whenever Marten says “What do you want to do now?” Maybe it’s just me, I’m willing to accept I’m reading too much into this, but whenever he says that all I hear in my head is Jeph going “I can’t think of a more natural way to transition into this next scene so I’ll have Marten ask this question to push the scene forward.” It just feels like bad storytelling to me, it really does.

Now, I need you to hold onto your seats right now, because what you’re about to read next might just be the greatest comic you’ve ever read in your life. The mere act of seeing this may very well knock you out of your seat. Are you ready for this? I don’t think you are – I don’t think ANY of us are. Brace yourselves.

My man, Jimbo! And yes, he is officially called Jimbo now, so we’ll be changing the name in the character stats screen at the end of this post. And this man, this absolute LEGEND, is living the dream – quitting his blue-collar job to pursue his passion in writing! He’s worked hard to get where he is in life, and now that he’s here, the fruits of his labor are paying off! As a commercial electrician who’s writing on the side, I strive to be like Jimbo one day. God bless you, you absolute PINNACLE of human achievement!

I can’t NOT show off more Jimbo comics, he’s just that great. Also, Faye’s drunken antics are fucking hilarious.

Credit where it’s due to Faye for not only helping Jimbo out with his writing but also doing it as a completely on-the-spot Haiku, while totally piss drunk. Not even going to lie, that takes talent.

Faye’s willingness to engage in behavior like this raises… questions. Questions that I’m not entirely comfortable asking right now considering the author’s own past with alcohol. I’ll touch more on it when we reach the batch of comics 501-550, I’m going to need more time to prepare myself to talk about it in a way that’s as respectful as possible.

And finally… the moment of truth. When long-time readers of QC remember the Pre-500 era, there are two things that come to our mind: The actual conversation that happens at issue 500 that marks the transitional phase of QC into the kind of webcomic it is today… and the headbutt-crotch-vomit comic.

Behold.

I’m not even going to try offering commentary here. Absolutely nothing I could say can be better than what you just witnessed in this comic.

This page right here… it has an interesting dynamic between its first and last panels. Panel one, again, Jeph takes the time to make a new facial expression for Faye as she’s waking up, one that looks nice and works with the dialogue to communicate how she’s feeling. And then in the last panel… well, I don’t think it’s exactly controversial to say that her face in the last panel doesn’t communicate the confusion and rage she’s supposed to be feeling as expressed in the dialogue, is it? Jeph is getting there, his artistry is clearly evolving, but he’s not quite talented enough to pull it all off quite yet. Still, little improvements should be applauded!

And here we get another character confirming suspicions raised back in #172, that being Faye clearly has some relationship hangups stemming from something happening in her past. This raises some concerns considering their more flirtatious behavior around each other and their developing inter-personal relationship. At this point, SOMETHING has to happen to inspire a reaction or change out of one of the two, or they may very well find themselves trapped in stagnation… keep that in mind for a little while longer. On the art side of things, something to note that I just realized… Steve has a shine in his eyes to make them look more natural and full of life, but Marten’s doesn’t. Is there any particular reason for this? And why am I noticing it just now? Actually looking back a few comics, the “shine in the eyes” detail only started with #186… again, in all characters except Marten. Is there a significant reason for this? Or is it just a detail that’s easier to do with the shades of color in people’s eyes except for Marten’s for whatever reason? I don’t have an answer, but it’s something to keep in mind at least while we watch the art evolve.

Also, one more thing?

Either Marten’s a liar, or Faye’s ass is just THAT good that it converted him. My money’s on the latter, considering people routinely talk about how baller Faye’s ass is.

Yes, I did just use the word “baller” unironically. No, I don’t have any shame, thanks for asking.

…payoff. 

And again with the fucking contraction thing… It’s not subtle if other characters are pointing it out! I know, I’m the only person willing to die on this hill, and I KNOW it’s long-passed and nobody’s concerned about it anymore, but it genuinely bothers me! This is a stupid character traits that… bah, I’m not going to repeat myself again. On a lighter note, this particular comic showcases how much better Jeph’s gotten at drawing faces. It’s not much, but it’s better than the stock expressions that most characters usually wear, and you can see some subtle actions and thoughts expressed in the way Dora or Faye’s eyebrows move, in which direction their eyes are facing… it’s nice stuff.

I won’t show everything in these next three comics, but I wanted to showcase this series of events at least because this is some good character writing that says a lot about both Steve and the new girl Jeph introduces.

Setup…

Payoff…

…and subversion of expectations.

Sorry Marten, but I’m with Steve here 100%. That was clever, well-played, and EXTREMELY hot all at once. It’s too bad we don’t end up seeing much of Ellen after this because she has SUCH a strong established introduction.

And what fortunate timing – we have another collection of guest comics, which ends RIGHT at #200:

And here we go – the spark of conflict in the relationship dynamic between Marten and Faye that I predicted we needed. How’s Faye going to deal with this? How’s Marten going to deal with this? What if on this date it turns out he’s actually, seriously interested in Dora? Would this push Faye to action? She’s made it clear, at least to the people around her, that she’s not interested in pursuing something with Marten… so what if someone made her put her money where her mouth is? Well, we’ll find out one way or another come the next batch of comics.

While we’re still talking about this batch however, let’s do our usual deal of comparing the art shift between the first and the last comics in the batch:

This is a clear-cut example of a lot of small, subtle tweaks happening over the course of a long enough period of time making a clear, distinct difference. The biggest change, of course, being the faces of everyone as I’ve been bringing up all throughout this post – everyone looks so much more EXPRESSIVE. You can get a proper read on someone’s mood based on just how they look alone now, and I find that super impressive… admittedly, it also makes me wish that Jeph could/would re-do the ice cream comic in this newer art style to properly capture the expression on Faye’s face that he wanted to capture, but you know. Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

So what did I think of this batch of comics so far? Personally, I think it’s the best batch yet – the best improvement in art, the most introduced on Faye’s character, the best sarcasm from Marten… a LOT was improved in this batch, and that deserves praise. I like where the plot is going, I want to know more about Faye, and I am hooked on the will they/won’t they story, especially with the newer developments in the complexities of their relationship web coming into play.

All that said, let’s take a look at the data analysis for this particular batch:

Marten: 34/50 – 68%

Faye: 33/50 – 66%

Dora: 12/50 – 24%

Amanda: 12/50 – 24%

Steve: 6/50 – 12%

Pintsize: 5/50 – 10%

Jimbo: 3/50 – 6%

Ellen: 3/50 – 6%

Turing: 1/50 – 2%

Grand Total:

Marten: 166/200 – 83%

Faye: 163/200 – 81.5%

Dora: 51/200 – 25.5%

Pintsize: 50/200 – 25%

Steve: 22/200 – 11%

Amanda: 12/200 – 6%

Sara: 7/200 – 3.5%

Jimbo: 5/200 – 2.5%

Turing: 4/200 – 2%

Raven: 3/200 – 1.5%

Ellen: 3/200 – 1.5%

Scott: 2/200 – 1%

Miéville: 1/200 – 0.5%

Ell: 1/200 – 0.5%

Do note that in this last batch, 12 of the 50 were non-canon guest comics, so I didn’t count any characters showing up in any of them. Either way, it looks like Amanda was in enough comics to create a barrier in the stats between main and major supporting characters and minor characters as far as amount of time they’ve shown up in the comic goes. I don’t know if anyone else finds that as interesting as I do, I just think it’s neat.

In any case, tune in next week for the exciting conclusion to the double-date story! And a trip to the hospital!

…the two things aren’t related, I swear. See you then.

[virgogh-away]

Not the First - Cheryl Blossom x Reader

A/N: Hey so I wrote this a while ago and just decided to post it, so the whole struggle for Kevin to get over Joaquin is pretty much already over in the show. Anyway, I love Cheryl a bunch and I hope you like this!

Ever since B and V became what they were (a beautiful friendship between two girls supporting each other) they threw slumber parties every other week. The location switched between their houses every few weeks or so and, while the first few get togethers only consisted of the blonde and raven-haired girls, eventually the invitation was opened to both you and Kevin.

Since that fateful day, you spent most (if not all) of the week leading up to those sleepovers in eager anticipation. It’s not like your time at school wasn’t fun, you were a straight A student and had a great group of friends to spend the days with, but de-stressing with the girls was a great way to end the week and let loose. Nobody ever got exceptionally wild, in fact, the only person who was ever really itching to go out was Kevin, and he always got shot down.

You were now at one of those slumber parties, jamming to some bubblegum pop while sitting on Betty’s bed, filing your nails. You understood how cliché of an action that was, but you also cared about your nails and needed to be doing something with your hands, so it just worked. Kevin was lounging at the end of the bed, pouring over some trashy gossip magazine (you constantly remind him about how idiotic those things are but then he starts dissing your guilty pleasure, Twilight, and you shut up real quick). Betty and Veronica, meanwhile, are sitting on the floor while the latter braids the former’s hair.

Your conversations typically revolve around school and everything that’d been stressing you all out. Kevin had already vented emotionally about Joaquin leaving, to which you listened to intently and gave him your best motivational mini-speech. You knew that Kev really liked him, so you understood why the serpent’s absence was so heartbreaking for him. He finally had someone who liked and understood him. You had never known that kind of love, but you wish you had.

You all also talked about lighter subjects, like upcoming assignments and tests that were making you worry about your grades slipping (yes, these nerves were mostly coming from you, but you had a GPA to keep up). The other three always reassured you that you were doing completely fine and, so long as you didn’t let procrastination strike, you would be fine.

The topic inevitably always turned to guys.

Kevin zoned out during this segment this time around, which you all understand and didn’t let affect your gossip. In fact, you wished you had an excuse like Keller did, but instead you had to nod and act like you were listening as closely as you would if Michelle Obama was standing in front of you.

Eventually, both Veronica and Betty noticed that you weren’t paying much attention, and weren’t speaking up at all. They realized that they were being somewhat selfish and gushing solely about their respective boyfriends. That wasn’t fair to you and, as Betty racked her brain to talk about something that would interest you, she remembered a juicy conversation she overheard a few days ago.

“Oh my god, Y/N! I can’t believe I never told you,” she announces as she begins to tell her story, both you and Veronica waiting with bated breath to hear something amazing (hopefully), “Well I was in Biology this past week and I heard Reggie telling Chuck how cute he thinks you are!”

You deflate somewhat as you realize that this is what you were momentarily excited about. You knew you shouldn’t have gotten too hopeful, since you tended to be let down when these conversations occurred. And now, thinking back over what she said, you turn red, fairly embarrassed about it all.

“Aww, B, she’s blushing! That’s so adorable, you so like him!” Veronica squeals as she no doubt starts to imagine multiple humiliating ways of setting you two up. And, honestly, you can’t wait to burst the duo’s bubble.

“No, that’s not it I just, uh…don’t really roll that way,” you begin to trail off as you expose your long-held secret (which you thought was pretty obvious but whatever).

“I knew it!” Kevin nearly yells as he throws the magazine that he was previously so enthralled in across the room, “My gaydar is pretty impeccable so I expected as much, but I didn’t want to assume anything or out you.”

You smile gratefully at him, but quickly turn back to the two girls sitting in front of you, since they haven’t reacted at all yet.

This wouldn’t be some kind of friendship deal-breaker, would it? Sure, Kevin was gay, but lesbianism was a whole ‘nother ball game (in fact, no balls were involved at all). Maybe this would be too much for them to handle.

“Y/N!” Betty exclaims as she sits beside you and Veronica follows her lead, sitting on your other side, “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

You let out a breath that you didn’t realize you had been holding in. Slightly scolding yourself for thinking so little of your friends, you think up some reason for withholding such an important part of your identity, “I don’t know I guess I just…wanted to feel things out? Riverdale isn’t the most welcoming place, despite the town motto, so I just wanted to be sure I would have people nearby who will always have my back. And now I know for sure that I do, you guys are the best.”

Both girls wrap you up in a hug as they simultaneously “aww” and Kevin dives from the end of the bed to join the Hallmark moment. Your heart swells as you realize that you’re exactly in the place you belong, until you feel a hand slap your shoulder.

“Next time you have some major secret eating away at you, tell us! We don’t bite, and I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, but sometimes that kind of openness pays off,” Veronica says as she stares at Betty in a way that you are very much familiar with. Her speech comes across a little hypocritical as you witness this, but you keep your mouth shut.

“Well, unfortunately you’re not the first woman who likes women at Riverdale. Cheryl Blossom beat you on that one,” Kevin says nonchalantly as he goes to retrieve his riveting reading material.

Your eyes widen despite yourself and you aren’t fast enough to stop yourself from hopefully emitting, “Really?”

Kevin stops in his tracks and turns around to look at you in shock, while two other pairs of eyes shortly join his. Veronica is the first to get out her surprised reaction.

“Oh my God! I thought I saw you checking her out the other day at practice, but by the time I looked at you again you were tapping away on your phone. You sneaky minx!” She hits your shoulder again, but this time it’s much more playful and you blush in response. You try not to make your ogling so obvious, but sometimes you just can’t help it. She fills out that River Vixen uniform very well.

“Go for it, Y/N! There’s no logical reason why Cheryl would reject you, I mean, you’re smart, you’ve got a smokin’ hot bod, you’re insanely nice,” he stops momentarily as he processes what he just said, cocking his head to the side, “Actually, maybe she won’t like you.”

B and V giggle at this but you proceed to throw a pillow at the sheriff’s son. Naturally, he dodges your shot and smirks at you, knowing that he’s won once again. The spry bastard.

***

When you walk into school on Monday things seem to be going as normally as usual. You wave at a couple of people as you make the trek to your locker and have a short conversation with Juggie about some movie he’s gushing over, before he leaves to go do whatever it is that he does. You’re grateful that you haven’t run into any of your friends that were at the sleepover, until you catch sight of your locker and see B and V standing there, looking like they just murdered your dog.

“Okay Y/N, before we tell you what happened just know that we had nothing to do with it and we don’t know how she found out,” Betty nearly shouts out at an extremely fast pace, so fast you almost miss it. She.

You cross your arms and glare back and forth between them, letting them know that you’re not happy with whatever it is that’s happened. Hopefully it’s not what you expect, but you tend to think of the absolute worst-case scenario.

“Alright, what happened? Who knows?” It’s clear that your little secret is out, you just need to understand if the person who knows will keep your secret.

“Um, Cheryl?” Veronica says meekly, waiting for you to blow up and turn into a nervous wreck. She doesn’t have to wait very long.

“What the hell! Oh my god guys I trust you with one of my biggest secrets ever and you immediately spread it!” They begin to open their mouths in protest but you scowl at them like an angry mother would and they both stop, “And even if it wasn’t either of you that blabbed, there was only one other person at that slumber party and you could’ve stopped him.”

You open your locker, find the textbook you need for first period, and slam it closed. The two girls standing behind you jump and you almost smile, but you’re still upset and witnessing your scared friends isn’t helping anything. You begin to storm off before either girl can say anything to try to calm you down, and after a few seconds you realize that they aren’t trying to stop you.

Good.

***

When you arrive outside of your English class room you let out a few breaths of air, attempting to cool down and look nonchalant before facing the dramatic redhead. You try not to think about how the whole school might know something about you that not even your parents did. You thought of Cheryl highly, but not so much that you expected her to hold onto a piece of gossip like this. It was in her nature to bring chaos everywhere she went (in fact, it was one of the things about her that intrigued you, just not today).

You walk in, bracing yourself for grating stares and awful slurs to be thrown at you, but for everyone else today is just a normal Monday. Those who never noticed you before don’t bat an eyelash now, and those who do like you simply wave like normal. You make the walk to your desk in silent shock, but still have your defenses up. As you sit down and begin putting the necessary materials on your desk, you realize that Cheryl typically doesn’t show up until a few minutes before the bell rings.

You busy yourself by scanning over the required reading for the weekend (which you already read twice but decided to brush up on before having to discuss it) until the Blossom girl walks in. Of course, this takes quite a while as she’s someone who likes to make an entrance. But soon you catch a glimpse of her signature color and your heart starts to beat faster than it ever has.

You make eye contact with her and expect to see disgust but instead find amusement and…happiness? She struts directly up to your desk, which is certainly unusual as you sit directly in the front and she sits all the way in the back. She’s going out of her way to talk to you, which is both terrifying and exciting all at once.

“Um, hey Cheryl I just wanted to explain what you might’ve heard,” You start to tell her but she shushes you shortly after you start to make your speech. And, since you’ve been wrapped around her finger for a while now, you immediately close your lips and become the best listener the world has ever seen.

“So, Keller told me something very interesting a few minutes ago,” She sizes you up and cocks her head to the side, one hand already resting in its natural place on her hip, “Is it true?”

You consider telling her no and that you’re super straight or whatever, but you know that would only push you further into the closet and away from a happy, open life. So, instead of saving your ass and preventing eminent heart ache, you nod your head and prepare for the inevitable onslaught of embarrassment.

Her reaction is something that you never would’ve expected in a million years: she smiles at you.

“Sweet! So, do you wanna come over to my place tonight? We can watch movies and eat popcorn, the whole shebang. I hear you love getting chatty at sleepovers,” She says smugly as she smirks at you, punctuating her statement with an exaggerated wink that makes you laugh and blush simultaneously.

“I can’t be spilling all my secrets on the first date. That would be no fun!” You smirk right on back as your typical confidence returns to you, now assured that your feelings are reciprocated.

“Also,” Cheryl says loudly before she turns to walk to her seat. It’s clear that she wants the whole class to hear this, “If anyone gives you a hard time, send them my way. I’ll give ‘em hell.”

You watch her walk to the back of the class in complete awe. The girl of your dreams likes you back. If it wasn’t for some stupid slumber party and your loud mouth of a friend, this moment wouldn’t be happening. Kevin Keller is gonna rub this in your face for the rest of your life, but as your eyes land on Cheryl once more, you realize that it’ll all be worth it. She’s worth it.

[strawberry-jules]

the fourth

hi again. it’s 10:41pm.

today was a fucking shit show. like appallingly so. my schedule was supposed to roughly look like this:

6-7am: get up, get ready, go get coffee

8-9: vet appt

9-10: breakfast, clean the kitchen for mom

10-11: post office, quick target run

11.30-4pm: read 2 chapters from textbook

4-5.30: run, shower, etc

5.30-7.30: read half a chapter, take some me time, idk

9pm-11pm: vibe time baybee

here’s how it turned out, roughly.

got coffee, it was very fun. barista is making it very hard to not have a crush on them by simply existing. how rude! took belle to the vet, everything was fine and dandy, as i figured. came home, had a bagel with spinach and eggs, cleaned the kitchen, it was fantastic. my brother ended up needing to ship out his christmas gift to his friend in croatia, but his classes weren’t over until 1:30, so i was like no worries! i’ll just go study for my final till your classes are over, just let me know. i ended up reading absolutely nothing and getting sucked into whatever fucking dumb shit exists on the internet. i also picked 3 therapists from our network and emailed them, introducing myself, and asking for quick interviews next week to see if we’re good fits, because i want to start going to therapy. 

i was very excited by this development. it’s taken me over a year of saying i would go to therapy for me to finally get the courage to reach out. at about 12, i went into my parents’ room and said “guess what? i’m finally starting therapy!” and my mother, without missing a beat, says “oh, sorry we did such a bad job raising you. why do you need therapy? i thought we did a great job.” i was fucking stunned. i was like, “woah, no! this isn’t a reflection of you. this is me finally taking care of myself, i have personal things i need to work through. however, i do think that therapy is useful to anyone, and i think everyone should try therapy, at least once,” to which she had the brilliant insight, “there’s nothing wrong with me. should i just make something up about my family and go talk to a stranger about it? is that what you’re doing?” and my dad was like, “hey, that’s not what she’s saying” and my mom basically went off saying that i was weird for thinking that everyone should try therapy, and that i didn’t actually need it, and that it’s weird that i’ve been to therapy twice now, wasn’t complaining to that high school counselor that my parents were so strict enough for me?

those quotes are as close to word for word as i can get, i’m pretty sure it’s exactly what was said. the conversation lasted less than a minute, before i said “i think i need to excuse myself,” and walked away. i came and sat at my desk for i don’t even know how long. i looked at myself in my phone camera, and my face had become so translucent, it was almost green from my blood veins. i walked up to my window and contemplated trying to take the screen out to climb out, but i realized that if i did jump, it would be in my neighbor’s driveway, and that felt really insensitive, so i walked away. i sat back down at my desk and contemplated all the reasons my mom was right, before i realized that she wasn’t right. i have finally realized that i’m not fine. 

i’m a depressed, suicidal 20 year old with undiagnosed adhd and ocd, a diagnosed eating disorder, and i’ve been a closeted lesbian for 13 years. i have every right to feel not okay. i didn’t need my mother’s permission to go to therapy, i have my own health insurance and i’m an adult who feels the need to ask for help, and that’s okay.

so i did what i do best, and spewed verbal diarrhea onto my private snap story about what happened and how i’ve been feeling these last few days. my brother’s classes ended early, so i took the opportunity to leave the house as soon as possible, and we took as long as possible to get to the fedex drop box, before i dropped him back at home and kept driving around, trying to process how i felt. i didn’t return either of my textbooks. i think i’m just going to send the one i bought in october after christmas, idk when it’s due but i can’t deal with the fucking lines at the post office anymore. i walked up to the post office, looked at the winding line into a building where the lovely hicks in my hometown refuse to wear masks, decided i wasn’t ready to get covid yet, and went to deposit cash so i could buy weed. i’ll just bite the $40 and buy the one that was due today, maybe i’ll give it to someone next semester. 

i got home and responded to my friends’ responses to my story. i got an overwhelmingly positive and loving response from my friends. every single one stuck up for me, supported me, and shared that they’ve been feeling similarly. which is heartbreaking, i can’t believe that all of us have been dealing with this so privately! but anyway, that’s a tomorrow issue. 

after i did that, i was ordering my weed when barista texted me, saying they had a question for me, which, when you have a major crush on a coworker with a girlfriend, is a very concerning text to receive. turns out, they just made me earrings! they walked their dog to my house and delivered the insanely cool polymer clay snake earrings. when i greeted them with a hug, they pulled me in so close, literally every part of their body was pressed against mine and my cheek rested on their head so perfectly. they’re on the shorter side, probably 3-4 inches shorter than me, but so strong. the way their arms felt around my back was wild, it was so tight but so gentle but so firm but so, so warm and soft. their hair was soft but frizzy and smelled like them and a little bit like an argan oil shampoo and a little like coffee. their eyes are so much more intensely ice blue in the sun. they hugged me the same way goodbye, and we chatted for a good portion of the evening, about our coworkers and being homeschooled and being nerdy high schoolers and the earrings.

i finally got one chapter done before dinner was ready at 8:30pm, which is late, even by our standards. after dinner, as i was decorating a sugar cookie named gerard, my parents kept making snarky comments about me being a stoner, and i was like yes, bold statements coming from the parents that just used my account to buy a tincture and edibles. anyway, i came upstairs and tried to read more but i’m too emotionally exhausted. eve ended up giving me a call, finally, and filled me in on her life, which is always crazy but i love to hear her voice, so it’s okay. then i learned a tiktok dance, which left me concerningly out of breath, considering it’s only been like 4 days since i ran and i can’t be that out of shape? but i showered and did my skincare routine and made sure my laundry was in the dryer before i sat down to start this. 

it’s now 11:20pm, and i’m very proud to report that i am no longer angry with my mother for what she said to me. i’m sad that it’s how she feels, but i recognize that what i’m going through is something she will never understand, as a straight woman who, while prudish, has a healthy relationship with drugs and sex. i love her, and i forgive her, but i’m going to talk to her tomorrow and hold her accountable for gaslighting her already unstable daughter. what she did wasn’t fair, and it hurt. i know she probably feels insecure because she definitely does have things she knows she should go to therapy for, i know for a fact that she faced a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma and i would personally love to make sure she’s in a healthy place with it. but i can’t force her to, obviously, so i have to just hope that she doesn’t project on to me too much in the coming weeks.

i’m exhausted, and i think i’ll go to bed. i feel good about how i handled today, i caught myself in time to think through my actions before i did something completely unwarranted and unhinged. i know that at the time, my brain was in flight mode and i couldn’t cope immediately so i just followed the “i want to die” instinct because it was the strongest, but i still had enough of my logical brain in gear to have forethought. look at you go, prefrontal cortex! knowing that the part of me that is still healthy and wants to live is strong enough to put the kibosh on that maneuver is enough to give me hope that i will be okay someday. i never thought that i would be someone to be experiencing things like this. i really thought that people were being dramatic, if i’m being totally honest. now that i’m experiencing it, i understand. i’m sorry that i didn’t have more empathy.

[ybyg]

久しぶりでしょうね？ Let's catch up.

I haven't been diligently studying Japanese due to... just life. Some unavoidable things happened and I had to live through the nightmare. It's all right now. I think. I'm here to update you about how miserable it's been trying to catch up with what I've missed and maybe talk about the time I spoke to JO1's Sho who can speak English and I wanted to make an effort to speak to him in Japanese but failed (without sounding like a twat who's showing off).

Continue reading under the cut.

Note: I barely edited it, so if it sounds out of place, or my Japanese sounds awkward... tough luck, I'm probably not going to edit it.

1. Wanikani update

レベル１０に入ってでした。正直は、まだレベル9ですね。This thing levels up as soon as you learn everything there is on the level you formerly in, without taking into account if you have complete at least a round of revision on the last thing that you've learned (they call it 'review' on WK).

The SRS thing is proven to be the best method to recall phrases and kanji. I'm paying for Wanikani (okay, the thing is good. I like it) and have Anki installed and haven't reviewed anything since I created my decks. But it works alright. I may have the worst memory/information-retaining brain and it might've taken me forever to recall what 予 is (it's beforehand, apparently), but I can still remember the ones I've learned the longest; basically from levels 1-4. (I'm learning 予 in the latest level, that is level 9. I'm still suffering turbulence here.)

I haven't seen my stats. Let's have a look, shall we?

I live by the words 'it could've been worse.'

My percentages used to be at least in the 90% across the board, but I just jumped straight into reviewing and clearing over 900 radicals, kanji, and vocabulary without revising, hence why I've done terribly and now it's bringing my stats down.

Radicals I can't believe I fucked up my radicals. They were supposed to be the easiest. I have no words.

If you need a single tip to start learning kanji, you can start by learning its components, and that is the radicals. It'd be easier for you to create stories for mnemonics. Other than that, try Heisig's Remembering the Kanji.

Kanji I am aware I could've done better at this, but kanji itself is just confusing. It's sometimes easy to predict some of the words, like ち that's used for earth or soil (地) and pond (池)--and not to mention the difference is just the radicals soil and tsunami--but I deduced that some aspects of nature fall under the ち umbrella.

And then there are devils like 他 and 地. Ugh. I'm going to leave it here.

Vocabulary

I know what the word 交じる stands for, and then you have 交わる which is thrown into the mix just to confuse me, and that just pisses me off every damn time.

I honestly know the meaning better than the pronunciation... which is dumb because if I were to speak in Japanese, I'm supposed to say the words majiru or majiwaru, not to be mixed or to intersect.

One thing about WK: you might understand the meaning differently. For example, they may offer the word substitution, but I would think of another word, replacement. Unless you input the word 'replacement' into the system, it would still be wrong in your reviews, and you're expected to remember substitution instead. And as an ESL, well, sometimes I'm just expected to drill the word substitution into my brain. I barely use the word daily anyway. So, you're expected to do extra work in order to learn, which is not a bad thing, but it can be annoying sometimes.

To recap, I don't do terribly despite not doing WK for a few months, but I could've done better. It's still in the okay territory, but I'll do my best to improve my reading skills and expand my lexicon.

What's next? I still have to clear up 92 lessons which include the level 9 that I've yet to cover and the entirety of level 10. On top of that, the tens and hundreds of reviews need to be cleared out daily... it's still going to be a rigorous routine when it comes to this one.

2. Grammar (and Reading)

In order not to spend my own money on learning materials, I persuaded my mum to get me みんなの日本語 (MNN); both workbook and notes for Level 1, and I chipped in with my Kinokuniya discount card. Yes, I am 26, but my finances haven't been the greatest as of late, so if anyone needs to hire a writer/social media manager, please send me a DM.

I digressed. Anyway, I've reached the 4th chapter, and it's been great so far! The workbook is completely in Japanese, and as someone who can read hiragana, and to some extent, katakana, it's definitely a great book that helps me improve my reading skills. I wish WK and MNN were at least streamlined because the kanji on WK has the tendency to be more scattered due to the complexity of certain kanji despite them being N5-N4 kanji.

[I edited out a paragraph on Kanji levels and complexities but would like to highlight the inconsistencies in the kanji levels that's shared on the Internet, including in WK. I suppose you will never find the one true answer as to which level does 傘 (umbrella) belongs to: is it N5 per stated in Jisho, or is it N1 as stated in WK? I guess you will never know...)

I prefer MNN over Genki as Genki explains points in English and annotates translation/furigana as bright as day underneath the Japanese texts. As a high-functioning English/romaji reader, my brain isn't doing the hard word; it's just reading the English and romaji. MNN forces me to read in Japanese and makes me translate the sentences on my own, so I am actively learning from the activity. Whilst it has a separate book that explains the chapters in English, I find it very helpful for me to immerse myself in Japanese then flip through the English version of the book just to see how well I understand the lesson. I would suggest Genki for absolute beginners and MNN for those who are in the lower-intermediate level.

I've been reading JO1's mails and articles related to them with varying degree of successes. The shorter ones are simpler and more manageable, but reading longer ones make me quit halfway. I should be reading more so it'd be easier for me to recognise the ones I've yet to learn and strengthening those I've learned.

3. Active learning (Speaking, Listening and Writing)

I've tried to speak in Japanese to myself, and it's mostly え、なんだろう今。。。、ヤッバ、マジ？、いいですね！、ほんまに？ and the latter being 'really?' in Kansai dialect (関西弁), thanks to half of the members of JO1. Since I'm learning 'textbook', formal Japanese, I'm still finding it extremely difficult to communicate in vernacular/colloquial Japanese. Not that I'm familiar with 敬語 (keigo/honorific language) either, just trying to fit the よ, ね, です, します, ません et cetera have racked my brain and I'm at the precipice of trying not to lose my mind. Perhaps, if I tried harder, I'd be able to use it comfortably. But for now, please let me suffer from my stupidity.

Since I wanted to 'try harder', I'm currently going through Making Out in Japanese (it sounds crude, but so far it's been very mild and helpful)

I haven't been writing in Japanese, which is horrible, because what's the use of reading when you can't write. I tried making my own flashcards which ended up taking too much time so I turned to digitalised SRS instead, which can be both annoying and unhelpful sometimes. I'm not a fan of learning through the screen as it takes too much space on the table and plays a part as my focus destroyer. But I can't complain as these devices do make things infinite times easier for me.

For the past couple of weeks, I've interacted with more Japanese JAMs (that's what JO1 decided to christen their fans) and have made the effort to type in Japanese, albeit broken Japanese. I employed my brain, Jisho and the untrusting Papago and Google Translate (the translation sites merely help me check if my sentences make any sense). I bet they're reading my tweets and messages thinking, 'What the fuck is this person on about?' Well, I don't know either.

And here comes the horrible part.

I won yonton (용통 in Korean, basically a video call) and had the chance to speak to the JO1's leader. Which is awesome, yes? I had a week to prepare and that particular week leading up to the event had given me multiple heart attacks. Some dramas happened, an interview happened... and I had only a few days left to prepare. Towards the end of the week, I decided I was going to do 自己紹介 (self-introduction) in Japanese. I know enough to say *キラです。クアラルンプール出身です。マレーシアJAM です, though that sounds super awkward. What I did on the day was the exact opposite.

Well, it's a known fact that the leader speaks English. Heck, it's an open secret that we know he went to a school that had an English department, whatever that means. As the owner of this brain who've spent approximately weeks and hundreds of hours on Japanese, I think know enough to say those words. But what did I do?

I spoke to him in English.

Of course, like everything, it takes a while to set in. That evening, it occurred to me that not only I had spoken to him in English, I also didn't let him speak. I didn't let him finish his sentence.

To be fair, it was only for 30 seconds. I don't need him to speak, and I wanted to, for once, assert my dominance. (The running joke here is that he plays the character of a freaking flirt, and as a lesbian whose compulsory heterosexual crush is him, I have the inclination to get the man to sit down and shut up for once. I guess I did?)

It's not me if there's no faux pas. Anyways...

Today's the 290th day since I started using WK, basically the beginning of my journey to relearn Japanese. Will I be able to communicate at least on a conversational level by the time I'm 30? We will see.

If you're reading this and needs recommendations on resources that are free, hit me up!

またね。