#tlou tess angst

[endo-bunny]

His Light in the Darkness

Summary: When Joel finds love ten years into the apocalypse and has a daughter with that woman two years later, he has to deal with the death of his beloved. He had to deal with a child that he doesn’t want, the child that took his whole world. That was, until a couple months after your birth. Now you will have to go with your father, Joel, and “The Cargo,” Ellie. As you go through this traumatizing yet exciting new adventure, you will have to learn a lot of things if you wish to survive in this world.

Paring: Joel x daughter!reader

Series Warnings:Mentions of violence, using both the game lore and show lore, Tess being a mother figure to reader, reader is eight years old, attempted SA, attempted kidnapping, kidnapping, slaves, death, dialogue and actions/scenes not being exactly the same or close to original, nicknames for reader(Little Light, honey, sweetie, baby girl), anxiety attacks, anxiety alluded to but not specified, symptoms of ptsd but not specified, reader is Joel's biological daughter, mother’s looks not specified, reader is a child so she will cry a lot (please don’t complain about this) this is normal for children

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of violence, using both the game lore and show lore, Tess being a mother figure to reader, reader is eight years old, panic attack

Word Count: 3,465

******

Chapter 1 - The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Winter 2015

Cries were what filled the room. A female that looked to be in her mid thirties was laid out on a worn down mattress. In her arms was a baby, the one that was producing those beautiful sounds. Her breaths were shallow, hands bloody as her eyes met those of her lover. There beside her was Joel. He stared lovingly at the woman, your mother. She taught him how to love again, and you were also someone that was going to help teach him how to love once more in the future. The woman had already known there was a chance of not surviving through childbirth. Hell, they were living in the fucking apocalypse. They didn’t have the same materials and medical help or equipment that they had twelve years ago.

She felt weak, she wasn’t gaining any strength back. She had children before the outbreak but upon outbreak day and thereafter, they had died in front of her eyes. That was one of the many things that the two lovers confided in and shared with each other. Her other births had been similar to this birth; but her other times were much different when it came to the time after giving birth. She wasn’t gaining any strength back like she usually would, she was only losing it. She could feel her heart that had previously been pounding in her chest slowly start to slow down to an alarmingly slow speed. Her breaths that had previously been easier to have were quickly becoming harder and harder to inhale.

With just one look, Joel knew what she was about to tell him. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t lose his lover; his light in the dark. Tears flooded his eyes, racing down his face shortly after. He choked out a sob. As carefully as he could, he gingerly held her in his arms. They stayed like that for hours, even after she had taken her final breath. She had been able to breastfeed their child with the help of Joel.

As he continued to lay there, your mother still in his arms, the door was quietly opened. Tess stepped in, grief upon her face at seeing Joel with his deceased lover. She walked over, getting close enough to touch Joel’s shoulder. His eyes snapped up to meet hers. This was the most vulnerability that Joel has ever shown Tess. She saw how much pain he was in, and she couldn’t do anything to help him. He muttered something to her after he calmed down a little.

“Take the baby, I don’t want the thing that took away the love of my life.”

She was shocked to say the least. She never thought that he would ever say anything such as that. He always seemed so happy when talk of the two’s unborn child was brought up. As Tess sighed, she lightly shook her head side to side, rejecting his request; or rather demand. She couldn’t do that. He looked angry, more than angry. He was extremely pissed to say the least. He snarled at her, even more so when she started to talk about burying your mother. The rest of it all was just a blur in his mind. He blocked everything else. He didn’t want to deal with anything else, especially you.

A couple months passed by, Joel hating every moment of it. On one surprisingly warmer day, his view towards you was swiftly changed. He had put you down on the couch, not fully caring if you fell or not. It didn’t feel like it was his responsibility. He was looking over everything that he would need for his and Tess’ next run. Something in him caused him to turn his gaze towards you. There you were, smiling over at him as if he was the greatest thing in the entire universe. In a sense, he was, to you.

Once you saw that his gaze had turned towards you, you erupted into a fit of adorable little giggles. He had never heard that beautiful sound come from your tiny body. The moment he heard it, he was immediately transported to the first time he heard that same noise come from Sarah.

Right then and there, he knew how disappointed and angry Sarah and your mother would have been at him. He was beyond ashamed of how he acted and treated you. You were his daughter, he was your father, he was supposed to love and protect you. He knew then that he needed to change the person that he was, but only for you. He wasn’t going to allow himself to be any different towards anyone else, he couldn’t trust anyone else in this newer world. As for now, for the first time since your mothers death, he picked you up lovingly and smiled.

���Hi, my Little Light. Daddy’s here now.”

******

Autumn 2023

Giggles erupted from you as you played with your toys; your fathers warning to not make any noise while he wasn’t there escaping your mind. All noises stopped however once you heard the front door open, close, and then voices. All you could hear was your fathers voice before you were sprinting out to him, jumping into his arms that weren’t ready to catch you.

“Daddy!”

He huffed, trying to keep you from falling out of his arms. He looked at you with love in his eyes, but he still had his mask up due to the fact that there was a teenage girl being present.The teenager looked surprised to see this man that has been nothing but cold and rude to her, be so loving and even have a child. You finally looked at her curiosity in your eyes.

“Who’s she Daddy?”

Joel cursed under his breath, “She’s no one, just some cargo,” He had hoped that you would simply just accept that she was there for a tiny bit and then just never bring her up ever.

The teen scoffed at him, “Hi there?” Her voice seemed on edge, “I’m Ellie, the cargo.”

You giggled at her, finding the new girl funny.

“Go and stay in your room baby girl, I’m gonna stay out here, ok?”

You nodded your head, perfectly fine with going back to playing with your toys.

Thirty minutes passed, Ellie snooping through Joel's stuff the entire time. She froze though when she heard a door down the hall open. You padded down the hall, trying to be as stealthy as possible, failing however seeing as you are just eight years old and not fully aware of your surroundings. Once you reached the living room, you jumped. Looking around you saw Ellie looking at you. She also jumped, not expecting your reaction. Seeing her jump causes you to giggle, and while she is weary of you, she does find it a little cute.

“What are you doing? Didn’t the old man tell you to stay back there?”

She honestly didn’t fully care what you were doing but she was still at least a little curious.

You stared at her while your child brain worked to try and think of something, “Nothing?”

Before she could say anything else, you ran over to her. You came up to about her waist, a little lower. You’ve heard Joel and Tess talk about how you’re small for your age. They summed it up to being that you weren’t getting the right nutrients and needed to eat a little more vegetables and meat.

“Why did Daddy say that you’re cargo?”

“‘Cause he’s taking me somewhere,” She sounded grumpy and slightly irritated.

“Who are you?” Ellie was quick to ask you a question of her own.

Telling her your name, you looked down at what she was holding

In her hands were dog tags. You looked back up towards her with a perplexed gaze set in your eyes. She looked down at her hands, having completely forgotten that she was holding them.

“Oh, those are mine.”

“Are you a Firefly?”

Your question caught her really off guard. She had no idea that someone who seems as young as you would know anything about the Firefly’s.

“Uh, no, but someone that I loved was.”

You know by the tone in her voice and the look in her eyes that it was time to shut up. You walked over to your father and sat down on the ground. She watched you before returning to whatever she had been doing. You zoned her out as you found some of the crayons that you had left on the coffee table. Joel had found that he could melt down some of the broken crayons and make new ones.

You made multiple drawings, knowing that all of them would end up on something in the apartment. You looked up once you zoned back into reality. It was dark out and Joel was still asleep. Giggling quietly to yourself, you climbed onto the couch and hopped onto his chest. He jumped awake. Both from you and the nightmare that he had.

“Did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

Ellie was looking at something in your hands. Your dad picked you up and sat you down on the couch. As he sat up, he started to say but you found the fraying threads of the couch much more interesting. Although it became much less intriguing once you heard a certain someone’s voice. Tess walked in through the door, saying something to Joel and Ellie. You looked up at her, quickly getting up to go to her.

“Mama!” You somewhat calmly walked over to her, unlike how you did earlier to Joel.

She greeted you and then looked at Joel.

“Can I talk to you in the other room?”

He looked hesitant towards you before nodding, going to his room. Ellie looked at you curiously, as well as you. Once the door closed, you both turned your gazes to each other.

“So, was that your mom?”

“Not really, I just call her Mama. Daddy told me that my real mama was in a better place and that I would never be able to see her again, but that she loved me. What about you?”

“Yeah, same I guess.”

You smile brightly at the older girl. Right once you opened your mouth, beginning to say something, Tess and Joel walked back in. Joel is quick to pick you up and get you away from Ellie. As you got comfy in his large arms, resting your head against his warm chest, your eyes dropped shut.

The next time that you open your eyes, you’re strapped to your fathers chest. As you start to wake up, you realize that you're not in your home anymore. Were you outside? There weren’t any normal buildings around. Your question was soon answered when you heard guards talking. You were immediately thrown into a frenzy when someone started yelling at your group.

The next thing you know, your father is taking you out of the holder and setting you down directly next to him. Tears were streaming down your face as you frantically grasp onto his pants leg. Everyone’s kneeling and the guard is saying something. Everything happens so fast, your dad is suddenly beating the guard, Tess is grabbing the tester, and Ellie moves in front of you.

You're still crying as all the commotion settles down. You look up at Ellie, who is now sitting next to you with a panicked look on her now dirtier face. She was also looking up. As you reach out for her, wanting to be held to help calm you down, Tess is quick to step in.

“Get away from her.”

You look alarmed, confused why you couldn’t be near her. As you try to understand what's going on, Joel quickly scoops you up, getting away from Ellie just as fast. Tess has something in her hand that you can’t see very well. Tears are still falling from your now red and puffy eyes as your dad curses in frustration.

“Why are you so mad at her, Daddy?” Your small hands grasped onto his shirt, tugging slightly.

Everyone stopped at the sound of your small voice, realization that you were with them sinking into Joel and Tess’ minds. The reality of this situation was making itself loud and clear. Your question goes unanswered as the talking continues on. You were scared, you didn’t know what was going on and everything was terrifying. You just wanted to be at home, safe and sound, being held tightly under a blanket in your fathers arms.

Your breathing starts to quicken as it feels like you're losing control over your own body. Fresh tears sprout from your eyes and your heart is pounding in your ears. Were you dying? You didn’t want to die like this, not now. It felt like you couldn’t breathe. You weakly clutch at your chest as your throat closes up, small whimpers leaving the confines of your overworked lungs. Your tiny body was trembling, beginning to feel very hot in your own skin. Sweat collected on your forehead. Joel noticed very quickly what was happening.

“Hey, baby girl, breathe. You're okay. Look at me baby,” His hand guided your face to look towards him.

He talked you through it, although a lot of it sounded like you were underwater. Once you finally were back, panic attack taken care of to the best of their abilities, you noticed that it seemed like the problem from earlier was completely taken care of. You couldn’t tell when it was taken care of but it was.

Joel seemed to be in a bitterer mood than he was earlier. You stayed quiet, opting to just look around at everything since you had nothing else to do except sit there attached to your fathers chest. As you continued to walk, going somewhere but you didn’t know where, you finally arrived at a new area. It seemed to be a very rocky place. You couldn’t tell if it was a building or not, but it looked similar to one.

You father was the first to go in, holding you tight against his chest despite the fact that you were already tightly strapped to his chest. He looked around a little, making sure that the coast was clear, before telling Tess and Ellie to come in. They soon follow in after him, Tess’ immediate move is to look at you then around the place. As the four of you make your way through the building, the air seems to get tenser, as if something bad was about to happen. That feeling was proven right when Joel and you split up from Tess and Ellie. Your head was covered by the strap, Joel having done that the moment he sensed danger. You could barely move around, all you could do was listen to what was going on around you. You heard growling and your dad grunting every so often. At one point, you get jostled around a little more than normal, a muffled cry coming from your mouth. Joel is quick to put his hand on your back before taking his hand away. You hear a struggle going on before your father and Tess’ voices once again.

As your father uncovers your head, you can finally see once more. There's bodies of the infected all around, and your father is breathing heavily. You don’t get to look around much more before Joel is quickly walking again, trying to get this whole thing done and over with as fast as possible. You’re confused as to what was happening, and it seemed that Ellie seemed to be as well. The two adults however ignored your confused and concerned faces as the supposedly short journey continued on.

******

The trip was much more boring than you had expected. You were finally arriving at the building where Ellie was supposed to be dropped off at, but it seemed to be a little quiet. Joel went into protect mode almost immediately once he realized that something wasn’t right.

As he cautiously looked around, he found that everyone that should've been there was dead. He covered your eyes so that you wouldn’t have to see all of it, trying to keep you safe from the horrors of this world as much as he could. As everyone is looking around, Tess starts talking about where to go next.

“What the hell do you mean? The jobs finished, it’s time to go home,” Joel's ruff voice cuts Tess off mid sentence.

“I mean that I can’t go home,” Tess’ usually strong voice wavers as her eyes land on you.

Ellie gasps, understanding what the older woman meant. Tess pulled the neck of her shirt down to reveal a horrible looking bite. Joel didn’t know how to react, he didn’t want to believe that Tess was bitten. You didn’t understand what was going on, so you tried tugging on your fathers shirt in order to get his attention. He didn’t even look at you, just put his hand on your back.

“You have to get her to Tommy,” Tess goes over to Ellie and grips her arm, showing Joel the bite mark that Ellie had shown them earlier, “She has to be telling the truth. Look at this, this is only a few hours old and it’s already horrible,” She pulls down her own shirt collar once again while talking to further prove her point. Before Joel could respond, groaning and screeching could be heard outside. Tess rushed over to one of the boarded up windows, looking out of it to see outside.

“Get out of here, there's a hoard of those fuckers coming here,” Tess began rustling through her bag, looking for specific items.

She pulled a small object out of a little, purple bag that seemed to still be in good condition. Joel’s breath hitched the moment he realized what the bag was. Tess walked over to you, the small object and bag in her hands.

“Sweetheart, I may not be your real mother but I love you like you're my blood daughter. I’m going to have to go away for a very long time and I want you to have these,” She put the small object in your hand, “Look after your father for me, you’re His Light in the Darkness.”

As you looked at it, you saw that it was a locket. You opened it with confusion, having a little difficulty. Inside the locket were two pictures. One was a picture of your mother, father and Tess all together. Your mother was holding the camera, her arm outstretched as she smiled brightly at the camera. Joel was hugging her, a wide smile outstretched on his face as he looked at her, ignoring the camera. Tess had her hand on her gun, seeming to be on alert, but she still had a warm smile on as she stared at the camera. The second picture was one of your father and mother. Joel had his arm around your mother as she had both of hers on his chest, seeming to be laughing at something. They were in a room that looked similar to the room that your father slept in now, but some of the furniture wasn’t as it was now.

“Daddy look! It’s Mommy!” Your excited voice came out a little too loud as the sounds of groaning and clicking came closer.

Everyone else's eyes went wide upon hearing what was waiting for them outside. Tess quickly began pouring gasoline all over everything in the room, trying to make sure that everything was covered.

“Joel go! Get them out of here, take the girl to Tommy. I’ll lure them in here, then take the building with me,” Her eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she looked at the little girl that she helped raise, knowing that she'd be leaving her.

“Mama? What's happening?”

She couldn't bring herself to tell you. She walked over and kissed the top of your head before handing Joel her backpack. She gave him a silent look before Joel grabbed Ellie to leave. You were crying now, not understanding what was happening and not wanting to leave Tess. Noises could be heard behind you as Joel quickly got out of the building despite Ellies struggles to get out of his grip.

All of a sudden, a loud boom came from behind the three of you. The building exploded. You continued to cry, the commotion overwhelming you. Joel did his best to consol you with what little energy that he had left. As you started to get brought back down to earth, your eyes became increasingly heavier by the second. Joel covered your head as you laid it on his chest, sleep beginning to take you after the exhausting day.

******

Tag list:

@fakegingerrights

@silnebula

I really hope that you liked this! It took a lot of energy for me to actually make this because I've been really procrastinating. I'm currently also working on my other Tech x Reader series but I have no idea when that will be. I'm also working on chapter two for this one. I might also do some romantic one shots for Joel because I love him so much.

@macchiato-dreaming22

[mdawgswizzleinthehizzle]

this must’ve took forever, but it’s really well done.

luv edits.

[darknight3904]

All Too Well

Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Summary: Joel's arrival in Jackson has the past twenty years of memories spilling into his mind like an uncontrollable flood of pain and regret.

Warnings: Langauge in line with the show, child death, Joel has a peeping tom moment, but we'll have to forgive him. Mentions of virginity.

Word Count: 3.5k

Previous Part / Series Masterlist / Main Masterlist

Winter 2023

Joel swears his heart has stopped the moment his eyes meet yours. His name falls from your lips and suddenly he's 35 again, laughing with you in coffee shops and holding you close on his couch during movie nights.

How long had his subconscious wished for over the years? How long had he been yearning like this?

Here you are in Jackson, right in front of him. You're a mere 15 feet from him, dressed in oversized overalls and an old winter coat that's seen better days.

Thick rubber boots are on your feet, giving you the illusion you're taller than you truly are.

Even as you stand there, a shovel in your hands as you clear a horse's stall, you're breathtaking.

Joel stumbles a bit as Ellie's words fall on deaf ears. You're looking at him, examining the man before you. Joel feels the way your eyes slink across his face and down his body, almost as if you didn't recognize him.

He finds himself doing the same to you. Trying to put two and two together. Joel's brain tries to replace the version of you that stands before him with the one that has been living in his mind for the past twenty years.

You had been immortal in his eyes. Forever fresh in your youth, a spirited twenty-something who'd captured his heart oh so long ago.

But now he sees he's wrong in that aspect. The beginnings of wrinkles have started in at your eyes, he can see the faintest of smile lines on your face. If he squints he can even see the beginnings of greys in your hairline. Yes, you're different, yet still so familiar.

"Joel? Hello? Do you know her?" Ellie's voice has him nearly jumping out of skin.

His tongue darts out from his mouth to wet his lips, guilt wells up in his chest, guilt from the past and for what he's about to say. It damn near breaks his heart, but the words come anyway, like vomit he can't control,

"No, I don't know her."

August 29, 2003

The past week had been a blur for Joel. Running around to different job sites and soccer practices and games had both his truck's gas tank and him running on empty.

He hadn't had much time to talk to you recently. Either you'd been busy or he had been. Be it classes or work, responsibilities were catching up to both of you.

Joel had read all your texts and listened to your voicemails. Your girlish voice filled his ears as you left inhumanly long messages to tell him about your entire day. From annoying professors to the fat squirrel that slept in the tree outside your window, you told him your days as if he'd been there as well.

"My birthday is today! I got pizza coming and cheap beer. See you later!"

Your warm voice fills Joel's room as he listens to your message from earlier today. He sighs and falls back onto his bed, his phone beeping to let him know the message was done.

You were so forgiving. Joel knew so many women who'd wring their man a new one if they'd been half as busy as he was this past week.

Your gentle and forgiving nature only reminded him of your youth. How truly young and impressionable you were turning out to be.

Joel ran a hand across his weary face. What the fuck was he doing? Messing around with some college kid? Taking her virginity and then practically playing house with her and Sarah for crying out loud.

Guilt swarmed in his chest as he jumped into the shower, hoping the warm water would clear his head.

It was going on eight thirty by the time he was dried off and dressed.

Joel sat in the driver's seat of his truck, the engine idling loudly as he willed his hand to shift the gear into reverse.

He couldn't do this. He was sure of it now as his sharp gaze stared back in the rearview mirror.

Joel was certain he'd ruin your life if he stuck by your side, fear of his own feelings had him moving. He pulled the keys from the ignition and exited his truck. Slamming the door behind him, he fumbled with the keys to his front door, his mind only replaying one thing.

This was all for the best. For you and for him.

October 2, 2003

He couldn't breathe. It was as if the entire universe was trying to strangle him alive.

His head throbbed as he tried to block out the loud clamor of the military. The whirl of helicopters and the rumble of tanks filled his ears as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Warm blood filled the fresh bandage someone had wrapped around his head just a few moments ago. The wound on his head burned as he squeezed tighter.

Perhaps if he could just shut his eyes tight enough, the nightmare would be over. The smell of diesel filled his nose as he clenched his fists at his side.

If he prayed hard enough, it'd be gone, all of it, the military, the horrible wound on his head, the snarl of whatever monsters were lurking outside this First Aid tent he was stuck lying under.

Joel wanted to go home, to Sarah. He wanted to eat pancakes and watch movies on his couch until she fell asleep in his lap. He wanted to drink coffee while Sarah read the Saturday cartoons in the paper, laughing at the ones she loved.

He wanted to spin you around his kitchen in the middle of the night again, dancing to music only the two of you heard. He missed the sweet smell of your perfume and how it'd cling to the sheets after you left his side to get up for the day.

Joel couldn't breathe, the universe was choking him, strangling him alive, and all he wanted was to go home, home to his girls.

Boston, Fall 2022

Tepid water ran over his hands as he tried to clean the blood from his knuckles. He could hear Tess, rummaging around their tiny apartment, most likely looking for something to take the swelling out of Joe's right hand.

"We've got Asprin that expired back in 06'." She said, entering the bathroom, "Unless you wanted to dip into our stash."

Joel thinks about the large bag of pills under their bed and he shakes his head, They'll need all of those to make enough to buy that battery they'd been after for so long.

He pops an Asprin and lets her bandage his hand, trying to ignore the way his skin stings when she pours a bit of whiskey over the wounds.

"Next time don't do this." She sighs as she finishes dressing his knuckles.

"I wasn't the one who started it." Joel hums

Tess rolls her eyes at his comment.

"You could just walk away, y'know." She points out

"And let the entire QZ think they can get away with talking about you like that? About any woman like that? Those guys are-"

"They're like 17, Joel. Weren't even alive when the world ended. Beating them to a pulp isn't solving anything." Tess chastizes

Joel lets out a slight grunt before following her out of the bathroom. He knew she was right, there wasn't a point in beating up a few kids who didn't know their manners.

"Gonna go look for a new pair of boots, mine are shot." He says as he wanders over to the door, "Y'need anything?"

Her loud no fills his ears as he shuts the door behind him.

The Boston QZ is littered with colorful leaves as Joel walks along the sidewalk. FEDRA officers walk along "patrolling" the area.

The loud whoop of two young kids has his ears perking up as a loud hiss and yelp of an animal follow.

Joel peers down an alleyway to find two young kids, looming over a black cat. They tug at the animal's tail as it swats at them.

"Hey."

The gruffness of his voice bounces off the surrounding buildings. They turn to look at him before glancing at each other.

"Leave it."

The kids scamper off and Joel is met with big green eyes and a loud meow, as if the animal is thanking him.

The cat pads over and slinks between his legs, rubbing its face against Joel's shins. He sighs deeply and bends down a bit, listening to the way his knees pop as he scratches behind the animal's ears. He tries to think of the last time he saw an animal this gentle, had to have been back before everything fell to shit.

The fuzzy image of a fat black cat with green eyes and a gold and green collar fills his mind, followed by the soft cooing of a voice that haunts Joel only in the middle of the night once Tess has fallen asleep.

Joel recoils from the cat as if it's burned him somehow. It meows again but Joel ignores it. He turns from the alley and back onto the main sidewalk. His head spins as if he's got a bad case of vertigo.

You're everywhere all at once. As if it's magic you've taken over Boston. You take over his mind for the first time in so many years. The cool fall breeze sings your name as the trees dance with the idea of you. His head swarms as he tries to push it all back.

The memories, your laughter, your scent, you, it's as if you're back, back from the dead to taunt him. God, he had buried you so long ago, he'd let you go the way he'd let Sarah go. Back in Texas, he'd left both of you there, sitting in the past, untouched and undisturbed by what life was now.

You were a storm he'd never see the end of.

November 2023

Ellie watches as the warm light from the campfire reflects off Joel's face. They were in the middle of no where and her companion and protector had finally given in to the idea of heat in the cold November night.

"You ever have a girlfriend? Or wife?" Ellie asks, her bold voice filling the silence.

It had been a question nagging at her for a while now. Joel just seemed so solitary. She couldn't imagine him with anyone like that.

Joel shoots her a look from across the fire.

She hesitates for a moment before continuing, "Or boyfriend?"

Joel gives her another look as if she's truly losing it. Maybe she was, after all, she'd been stuck with him for months now, and traveling the country was enough to make anyone go mad.

He takes a deep breath before fixing his eyes on the burning logs in front of them.

"I've...had both. Wife, girlfriend."

Ellie feels her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. The girlfriend thing wasn't all that shocking considering Joel had been alive before the world was fucked.

"Got married young." Joel sighs, "Got divorced maybe a year after that."

"Oh, shit, sorry." Ellie finds herself saying, suddenly feeling bad about asking.

Joel shakes his head, and his gruff voice fills the air, dismissing her worries, "Doesn't matter now."

Ellie slowly nods and her eyes scan Joel's face. She can tell he's holding something back.

"What about the girlfriend?" She asks, the words tumbling out, "Were you and Tess...?"

Joel huffs a breath, still not looking at her, "Tess and I...we....forget about it."

Ellie nods again, figuring he'd want to drop the subject now. Joel didn't like talking about his past with her.

"Only ever had one girlfriend that ever really mattered. Screwed it up though, right before the world went to shit too. " He said staring into the flames as if they'd come to life and jump out to burn him. "She uh...she was really the only relationship that actually mattered to me."

Even above his wife?

Ellie kept that thought in, contrary to popular belief, she did have a filter.

"What happened to her?" She asks instead, curious as to where this mystery girl was now.

"I don't know." Joel says sadly, "She uh...I haven't seen her since before the outbreak. Just always presumed she was y'know...gone."

Ellie nods sympathetically, "Maybe it's better like that...you've only got the good memories of her then."

A beat of silence passes between the two of them before Joel's eyes finally leave the fire and meet Ellie's.

"Yeah...maybe." He sighs

Winter 2023

You watch from a crack in your curtains as Maria shows Joel and the girl to their home. How convenient it was that she had placed him right across the street from you.

Maria knew your history with Joel. Tommy had spilled the beans after arriving in Jackson a few years ago. God, he was annoying sometimes.

You remembered the day Tommy had walked through the gates of Jackson. You had nearly fainted when you saw the younger Miller brother alive and well before you.

You had always hoped he and Joel had survived. Of course, the new world was unpredictable and you never truly knew what happened to them.

The news of Sarah had shattered your heart into a million pieces. Tommy had told you over two steaming mugs of coffee in your house one day. Her name fell from his lips like it was some forbidden word, he'd get in trouble for saying. You couldn't bear to ask how Joel had handled it, you knew how much he'd loved his daughter.

Tommy had slowly walked you through how he and Joel ended up in Boston, and then eventually how he ran off to join the Fireflies and how he'd ended up here.

So many times he'd tried to beckon you to the radio to talk to Joel, who still thought you were dead. You'd pleaded with Tommy not to tell him you were still among the living.

So many years had passed yet you still couldn't process the enigma that was Joel Miller.

Joel couldn't sleep. The soft fabric of the mattress should've lulled him right off yet here he was, tossing and turning beneath the soft sheets.

He slipped out of bed and past Ellie's room. He could hear her snores through the closed door. At least one of them was getting rest, and frankly, she deserved it more than him.

He sat on his front porch step in the cold night air. Across the street, he could see the upstairs lights glow from your home. Tommy had told him you were across the way if he needed anything.

Joel had wanted to kill his brother for not saying anything about you. Tommy had just raised his hands in innocence and told him to talk to you before pointing the accusation at anyone.

Joel watched with wide eyes as you suddenly appeared. One of the illuminated windows turned out to be your bathroom.

He felt a nervous trickle of sweat roll down his back. He should go inside yet it was as if someone had glued his ass to the porch step.

He watched as you stepped out of the shower, a towel wrapped around your body as you brushed through your wet hair. It was longer than it used to be. Joel recalled that you'd had it tied neatly back earlier but now it was free, framing your face nicely. He couldn't help but wonder if it was still as soft as it was so many years ago when he used to card his fingers through it after you fell asleep beside him.

His brain once again urged him to go inside, were you even aware that your bathroom curtains were sheer? He'd have to tell you, after all, you deserved to have privacy.

Joel felt his heart squeeze as he watched the way you went about your nighttime routine. Brushing your hair and your teeth before reaching for some small pot of what looked like homemade moisturizer.

You were as beautiful as he remembered in all of the dreams that had visited him over the years. It was as if you were a ghost returning from the dead and back to his life, breathing fresh air into it.

He turns away in shame when you drop your towel to dry off. What the fuck was he doing, staring into your window like some creep? He's lucky you didn't spot him and shout out your window to all of Jackson that their newest edition, Joel Miller, was a pervert.

By the time he's gathered the courage to look back up, the light is off and you're gone. Joel lets out a long sigh, his breath mingling in the cool air.

What the fuck was he going to do now?

Next Part

Joel: Woah someone needs to tell reader about her sheer curtains!

Also Joel: I should sit and watch...right???

Comment to be added to the tag list. This tag list is not chapter by chapter, I carry the tags over to each part.

Tags:

@lunaticgurly @orcasoul @snowlycanroc @freythecrazyfae

@person-005

[lokischocolatefountain]

Joel Miller Masterlist

Series

For The Right Man

Joel x Trad wife!reader

Honey, I’m Home Summary: Joel comes home to freshly baked dessert and a good little wife eager to serve in every way possible. Words: 4.8k

Men Like Me

Joel x virgin!Reader

Warning Summary: Joel's warnings about what men like him would do girls like you only makes you want him more. Words: 6.2k Denial Summary:  After your steamy encounter, Joel ignores you out of guilt, leaving you feeling unworthy. But you make a discovery that makes you turn the tables on him. Words: 10.4k

Mister Miller

Boyfriend's dad!Joel

Secret Summary: Your shameful secret you keep from your boyfriend is not such a secret after all. Your boyfriend’s dad Joel Miller knows what you do…very intimately. Words: 1.3k Picture Summary: Joel knows he shouldn’t, especially with the guilt of his shameful secret sitting heavy in his chest. But there are so many pictures of you and he is just a man. Words: 1k

Neighborly Thing to Do

Joel Miller x Reader x Javier Peña

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. Simple rule to follow, you’d think. But it’s not so simple when your neighbor catches you coveting his girl, fucks her in front of you and tells you that you can help yourself to her anytime you want.

Yellow Bikini Summary: The new neighbors throw a pool party and Joel is invited. Words: 0.8k

Taken Care of

Predatory!Joel x Naive!Reader

You are as sheltered as can be in a world that has fallen apart. Realizing the errors of his ways, your father has his friend Joel take you outside the QZ to teach you how to survive in the real world. Unfortunately for you, Joel is interested in teaching you more than basic survival skills.

Comfort Summary: You and Joel find comfort in an unconventional way. Words: 1.8k

One-shot

Savior

Summary: Joel saves you from the horrors of the world only to inflict his own horror upon you. Words: 1.7k DDDNE

Mercy

Summary: Stranded alone in the woods and left to die, all you can ask of Joel Miller is the mercy of a quick death. He is willing to give it to you, but he needs something for himself first. Words: 2.8k

Hurt and Protect

Summary: In a world where politeness wasn’t part of trade, it helped to have someone like Joel Miller as your protector. But to be his to protect also meant being his to hurt. Words: 2.3k

Our Normal

Summary: You and Joel find a new normal with touch Words: 1.8k

Monster

young dad!Joel Miller & baby!Sarah Miller

Summary: Maybe the real monster was above the bed all along. Words: 700ish

Purpose

Dad!Joel Miller

Summary: “I think if he (Joel) could do anything or be anything, he would be a dad, raising his daughter. Whether it’s Sarah or— he can’t quite get there yet to say it’s Ellie but that's what he was put on this Earth to do. That’s why he’s been wandering around a little like a zombie himself for 20 years. He’s trying to find his purpose because it was taken from him.” -Craig Mazin. A fic exploring Joel's journey as a dad. Words: 12.7k

not to feel the way i felt—

Joel Miller x Tess Servopolous

Summary: “I never ask you for anything, not to feel the way I felt—” Moments in their lives where Joel felt something, if not they way she felt. Words: 3.9k

[penvisions]

gone to the dogs {chapter 7}

Pairing: Boston QZ! Joel Miller x F! Reader

Summary: Tensions run high as you can't seem to recover from your bout of sickness even though Tess is back on her feet and helping the newest member of your pack sort out some things. Neither of you had told Joel yet, bidding your time until some things are taken care of but you have a feeling it's more than just that if Tess's determined silence is anything to go by...

Word Count:

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical language, canon typical gore, outbreak fic, mean joel miller, degrading language, violence, heated interactions, adult language, fighting, references to injuries, blood, sexual content, rough sex, p in v, smut, unprotected p in v (it's the end of the world, y'all), sexual propositions, oral (f receiving), talk of pregnancy, angst, reference to off screen assault, medical jargon, mentions of nausea, mentions of past trauma, mentions of canon death, mentions of past childloss, i think that's it for this one!

Fic notes: we are officially 10 years into the apocalypse! joel is 46 at this point and cane is early 30's, but please imagine her to look anyway you want! these are just rough estimates and descriptions that are not set in stone as per the x reader tradition. simply a way for me to get the story fleshed out a bit c:

A/N: this fic really just got so big and it can't possibly be contained to the original ten chapters when i first started it. these two have really taken the reigns and i am all for letting them develop and flourish as they wish ♡♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || navigation || ko-fi

Joel scrubs a hard hand over his face, brushing away as much of the ash and dirt as he can as he lowers the bandana wrapped around his head as a mask. It’s not much, but it eases his mind enough for him to keep using it.

He’s been pulling more shifts, as many as they could give him. You and Tess both being sick was something that worried him, stressed him out. The dangers of the end of the world were rampant, too many to count and keep track of. A weakened immune system brought on by fever and sickness was something from Before that he had completely lost the notion of.

Seeing you beaten up and bruised from fights or shows of power, from hard days working whatever shitty physical labor the zone needed done or from crawling your way through the rubble of the fallen city around them in search of things to trade and sell- it was different. Different than seeing you wrapped up in all the thin blankets in the shared apartment, that he could get his hands on only to still see the shivers that rack your body and chitter your teeth together. It was different than seeing you barely manage to keep water down to take the pills he paid far too much for only for you to gag on the weight of it settling in your empty stomach.

The scraps of chicken and bone he managed to trade for had cost so many ration cards. But the medicine, the stock he was able to pull from the bone- all of it was worth it for you and Tess to start to get better.

Well, Tess was better. You were…you were…are still sick. No longer plagued by fevers, cold spells, and heat flashes. But your stomach was unsettled, and your appetite was borderline gone, the weight you dropped a little concerning and the color drained from your skin.

He’s been playing caretaker to whatever extent you’ll allow him when he’s in the privacy of your shared apartment. Even if it’s as simple as refilling your mug with hot water for a second cup of tea, of collecting the bowl you had used to try and eat something with before he got home. He’s willing to do it, to do more. But you won’t let him. Determined to hold onto your independence in a way that both makes him proud and feel a little useless.

So he works. To provide. To make it easier. To give you space. Doing the long standing trades, showing his face more on that side of things while you’re unable to do so. Tess now, too, is back at it and it seems like you’ve given her clear orders on who to trade with and who not to as the weather grows colder.

But right now all he can focus on is the sprawled out form of you on the bed. Sheets and blankets tossed and kicked to the end of the bed and nearly crumpled on the floor as you pant heavy breaths while trying to find a comfortable position to fall back asleep.

The baser instincts in him rise at the smell of sweat and the sounds your making, the slight groan of the mattress beneath your wiggling form. it’s not that he wants it for himself, well, not just that he wants it for himself. But your body is stressed, it’s fighting, mind and nervous system out of whack. He’s on you the second he steps over the threshold into the room, determined to give you some sort of relief. To give you something else other than seemingly endless days of sickness and being unwilling to leave the building.

“Joel, ‘m still sick.” You mumble halfheartedly, that tug in your navel letting you know that despite everything, your body still sings for him- because of him. And it’s intoxicating, the immediate reaction as you feel plush lips against your skin, feel the weight of his body so close.

“Don’t matter, want you.”

His kisses are like fire, trailing down from your chin where he nips hard to your neck and chest. Tank top pulled up as carefully as he could manage, ridding you of the thin fabric. His lips close around hardened peaks to pull out desperate sounds from you, so sensitive to the soothing swipe of his tongue after biting teeth. His nose skims across your skin, the sharpness of it driving you wild as his hands make quick work of removing the pants you had fallen asleep in.

His teeth nip gently at the swollen lips of your cunt through the fabric of your underwear before he breaths in deep. “Gonna get you outta your head for a bit.”

And like a switch, your mind and body only focus on him.

The drag of his nose over the same place, the tug of his fingers pulling the now damp fabric down. The hot, thick line of his cock against your legs as he pulls them up to bend into your chest. His tongue swipes flat over your folds, delving between them after, shockwaves of pleasure so intense after experiencing nothing but aches and pains for the last couple of weeks. It pulls a moan deep from your chest, the responsive chuckle earning him another as you feel the vibrations of it skitter across your skin.

He's pulling pleasure from you like he was made for it, his knowledge of your body all he committed to memory and you’re crying out within minutes. His fingers grip the backs of your thighs, spreading them to make room for his body to line of with yours and then he’s pushing in slowly. Through a crack of your eyelid, you see his focus on where the two of you connect, brown eyes dark and hair slicked back save for one stray curl folded over his temple. Teeth gritted and breath hissing as he fills you, slowly, taking in the sight for what it is, feeling it for what it is, living up to his promise to get you out of your head as he bottoms out and your mouth goes slack.

“Theeeere we go, huh, darlin’?” One of his hands snake up to grip your chin gently, pulling your thrown back head toward him. Thick fingers caress the too hot skin there and his eyes soften as your own fly open when he leans forward to press a kiss to the tip of your nose, the obscene sound of him pushing in deeper and your walls clenching around him. “Look at those pretty eyes, starin’ up at me with nothing behind them, that’s exactly what we wanted, wasn’t it?”

All you can do it try to nod, his hand so large cradling the side of your face, his lips so tantalizingly close but your body is frozen, the breath caught in your throat as you pulse around him, pleasure rippling through your body as he throbs deep inside you. He must see the way they tremble and he closes his mouth around yours, giving you exactly what you wanted without you needing to ask. When he pulls back, his teeth glint in the faint light seeping in through the window.

“Don’t gotta think about nothin’ else but how full you feel. Deserve to turn your thoughts off and just focus on gettin’ fucked.”

He’s pulling back a bit, his knees caging you in as they squeeze around your hips.

You can barely take a breath before he’s slamming back in and it’s pushed from your lungs.

Over and over again.

The day starts off normally, a plan in motion to tell Joel once he returns from one of his shifts. Tess spends the day helping to move most of Jean’s stuff out of the shitty apartment she had been given alongside two other single girls. Not enough room for her to even have her own space. But Tess was willing to give up her bedroom and move into the living room to provide some semblance of privacy and control for the young girl. You had taken her to the clinic, as well. Dropped her off and were due to pick her up any moment now, but you’re kneeled down in front of the toilet.

Your own sickness seems to linger while Tess is back in good health. Her color coming back while yours remains pallor, hot flashes and cold spells waring underneath your skin and making you nauseous. You were doing your best to hide the worst of the symptoms from Joel, not wanting him to feel like he needed to use the stock of goods and cards for more medicine that only worked at first. You’re just grateful that awful cough that rattled your brain and hurt your throat was gone, the phlegm that seemed to either clog up your sinuses or run far too freely gone as well. It had been a bad chest cold, same as Tess and you didn’t understand why you were better, but you weren’t…better.

You had given blood at the clinic, just to be cautious.

Because you were beginning to get worried. Between the new responsibility of caring for and protecting Jean, the rather startling reach out from Bill concerning new habits from Frankie he’s developed and the increasing scarcity of things to find in the city, you were feeling a slow simmering panic begin to form in the back of your mind and weigh down your mental and physical resolve.

The cold chill settling in the air wasn’t helping, telling you that it was about to get a while lot worse as the temperature dropped and winter weather became a daily struggle on top of it all. Snow and ice in Boston was normal this time of year, to begin falling from the sky and form on the ground.

Picking Jean up from the clinic was supposed to be a simple task. But you honestly don’t remember much of it. The ringing in your ears had started once the doctor had turned to you and read the results of your own testing. Effectively pulling the entire god damn earth’s crust from beneath your feet. You don’t remember the trek back to the apartment, nor the way that Jean was glancing at you out of the corner of her eye. Bottom lip between teeth as she contemplated commenting on same diagnosis that was read to you.

Shock. You were in shock. Mind reeling from the fact that now there wasn’t just one pregnancy to navigate, but two.

All you know is the startling cold of porcelain seeping through the towel you had placed over the top of the lid as you knelt in the bathroom once again. Stomach heaving and throat burning, heart beating far too fast as you struggled to regain your breath. Tears prickled at the corners of your eyes, a sharp contrast in how hot they were compared to the tile that surrounded you.

Just as you managed to stand up from your rather humbling position in front of the toilet again, you hear it.

The boom of Joel’s voice through the thin walls.

He was home early.

And Tess must’ve just told him what you two have been handling the past few days.

Keeping as silent on your feet as possible, not wanting to sound the creaks of your aged flooring, you inch into the living room and move into the kitchen. His voice is clear as a bell and angry.

“It’s just another fucking human being that’s going to be subjected to a shitty life and even shittier people. How do you think that kid is gonna feel when they learn about how they were conceived? You think she’s gonna be able to sit her kid down and explain to them the shit she had to endure? That she was raped and it was either go through with the birth or risk her life ending the pregnancy? You think that’s any kind of thing to put on child in this god forsaken world?”

“Joel, she’s scared. She said you told her to come to you for help. And Cane and I are an extension of that-“ Tess’s voice is raised, an attempt to wrangle in Joel’s own but its fruitless. You’ve only heard him sound like this when he deals with less than savory trade partners. You’ve only heard him when it was that first year of knowing him. When he didn’t trust you or share your bed. Before the shadow of a life you two slowly and carefully curated together.

“Just cause y’all are women doesn’t mean you know better about this than me. Don’t you try to pull that sexist bullshit with me, Tess. You know just as well as I do that bringing a new life into this world is a mistake. The risks of pregnancy before were deadly, with the help of machines and medicine. But now?”

He scoffs loud enough for you to hear it through the walls. You don’t flinch, though you know you would’ve once upon a time. There’s truth in his words, no matter how he’s weaponizing it to prove his point. To deny getting involved in the situation.

“Now she’s as good as dead if she goes through with it. And what if she does manage to give birth to a healthy baby and she’s the one stuck paying the price? Bleeds out or needs to be cut open, then there’s just another orphan the system is gonna abuse and use for their twisted sense of righteousness.”

“Joel-“

“She’s gonna be stuck with a kid, do you realize how much time and effort and work is gonna go into that and it’s all gonna fall on us. On me. And I am too fucking old for this shit.” You can hear silence that greets his harsh words, the raw and unfiltered emotions he feels on the matter. You knew Tess had a kid before all this and it must be hard for her to grapple with the reality of the situation. Especially as it brings up memories and her own past emotions. “There is no way in hell this is going to work out.”

“She came to us for help, Joel. You instilled in her that you would look after her, no matter what. And guess what? This is something big! She can live here with me, I can…I can help her through the rough patches, I know what it’s like to have a less than smooth time of it.”

“Tess…”

“I’m going to help her, Joel. From one mother to a prospective one. As a parent, I would think you feel at least a little connected to the issue at hand.” That gave you as much pause as it seemed to Joel. The silence that permeated the air was heavy, crackling tension palpable even through the walls.

“This is dangerous, this is stupid and reckless. Children aren’t a blessing, they’re a curse.” His even but thudding steps could be heard as he makes his way to the door. You’re still in shock a few moments later when it doesn’t slam shut, it doesn’t even open. He must’ve turned around and you can almost picture him looking over his shoulder. All broad and brooding, angry. “This is a mistake.”

With no other outlet for what you’re feeling, you shove your hands into the sleeves of your jacket and grab your keys from the nails they hang on beside the door. Glancing on the sleeping form of Jean on the couch, you’re relieved that she’s in a deep enough sleep to not hear the harsh words of the man who she had sought out for help.

You don’t even dare glance at the end of the hallway, not knowing what you would do if you glimpsed Joel at this moment.

And that scared you.

That you didn’t know if you would curl up into his chest, wrap your arms around his neck or waist and burrow your face into him. Inhale his scent and be comforted by the way he holds you back. Or if you would scold him for his choice of words, for the way he’s backtracking suddenly as the situation turns now to something he doesn’t have the patience and energy to deal with.

That you didn’t know if the words would immediately fall from your lips or stay lodged in your throat and suffocate you.

He had given Jean his attention, his protection, his word that he would look out for her. And he’s standing there determining the course of her future that would best benefit him. That would work in his favor, to not have to deal with something so monumentally important. The news isn’t the best, it isn’t born of a decision between two consenting adults who are determined to nurture and love. Hell, you aren’t even sure if Jean had ever admitted to wanting to be a mother beyond not feeling right with doing away with her condition. But it was something, it was someone.

Hope. It was hope you were feeling as you sped down the hallway and away from the harsh words that hang in the air.

Hope for a future that isn’t the same damn thing day in and day out. Fighting and hustling for supplies, for food, for water, for space in a crowded zone. That isn’t protecting your territory and your smuggled items, that isn’t holding fast to your going rates as people challenge them and clamor for them because even if you did want to provide things that were hard to find or considered contraband, you still needed to benefit from the effort and skills that go into supplying them.

The news Jean brought to you, born of devastation and immoral means, could be the universe’s push of urging you toward something else. Your own news born of a moment of passion under the influence with someone who you found rare solace and genuine companionship with. The naïve notion of taking it in stride and shifting everything for the better, for the hope of making something of the situation you’ve landed yourself in is a painful one. Cultivating and nurturing goodness back into the world where you could, back into your life that had become so violent and overwhelming in its eat or be eaten nature.

You’ve been violent for so long, have had to be violent for so long. The world demanding it of you if you wanted to survive, to breath, to live to see another tortured day. And all those days that it seemed like too monumental a task, too hard a thing to commit to once again. A flicker of your old, weaker self rising up and arguing that there was no point, that it was useless to survive a hard day and the only reward was another string of them. But now you know why it was imperative that you stuck with it, defending yourself, protected yourself, used teeth and nails and haunting violence to make sure you saw the sun rise each morning and set each night over a world that was decimated beyond help.

And that reason was a phantom weight low in your belly. The new reason you would fight even harder from this point on until the moment you drew your last breath. Your child would know better than you were thrust into, would know better than this broken world and mockery of what was once city life.

You would bite and claw and fight, shoot or slash anything that threatened the life you were determined to give to your child, to give back to her. That younger version of yourself lost piece by piece as things quickly fell, as people gave into temptation and damnation the second civilization crumbled.

You don’t realize the heavy words in your mind are coming out as snarled sounds every time your boots hit the ground with your fast pace. The man Jean had described was walking home, you on his tail and none the wiser about what fate was about to deliver. What you were about to deliver.

Crazy bitch. Depraved dog. Ruthless.

His insults don’t mean anything, as you stalk him through the streets and down the hallway that leads to his apartment. His pained groans and stuttered breaths mean nothing to you as you land hit after hit, they don’t give insight to anything but satisfaction that curls your lips up at the corners.

His words, Joel’s words, ring in your ears as you feel the impact of your knuckles on the man’s face. Each punch, each hit landing as the echo inside your head gets louder and louder. Those are the only ones that mean anything, the only thing that fuels your violence. The man crumpled beneath your knees deserving of every last bit even more so and you’re convinced he would feel the exact same way. He would see his own actions as righteous, taking what was his, what was deserved- the consequences not on his mind nor something he would feel like needs his attention. An afterthought, the result of an assault he forced on someone.

All of it, everything in the entire world was just- mistake, mistake, mistake. After goddamn mistake.

But this? Delivering retribution on the man who is weaker than you ever were, it feels right. It feels like something you’re meant to do. Despite the depravity and brutality of the sentence you’ve given him, it’s a step in the right direction. It’s a step toward a better future.  

Please. Stop. I’ll do anything you want. Take anything you want. Please- no…no!

And then he’s no longer breathing the air he doesn’t deserve.

With bruised hands, swollen knuckles and aching fingers you gather everything in his apartment into his own duffle bags hidden beneath the bed.

You leave the apartment, ignoring the cracked doorways as people peek through them to see what the scuffle was about, who had been target this time- the only thing left inside besides dirty linens and dishes is his body with a note stabbed into his chest with his pocket knife.

Don’t mess with my people.

Signed off with a stamp of ink in the shape of a paw.

And though it’s far too early to feel the weight in your belly, something settles there and you feel it the entire walk back to the apartment building, even as you stand at the sink and wash the blood from your hands. The stain of it lingers even with the aid of soap and cold water.

His figure used to be refreshing, a comforting thing to see at the end of every tumultuous day. But now, your eyes track him, take him in as if he posed a threat. As if he had done anything other than simply walk into the room, his muscles rippling with the action of removing his jacket. His scruff a dark shadow in the low light that glitters when the gray there catches the light. He’s so broad, the entire doorway filled by the width of his shoulders, the breadth of his chest. The same body you found comfort in when it curled around you or pressed down upon you. But now, it’s as if a stranger has strutted into your home for all that had happened recently.

Large, calloused hands reach for his belt, remove with a simple pull through the fabric holding it in place and you feel nausea rise at the spike of desire that pools between your legs. Feelings and urges war with each other in your mind and heart, body reacting to his as he approaches. Your head tilting into the cradle of his palm even as your mind screams at you that he doesn’t care. This is the same man who had declared loudly and determinedly that he wanted no part in the situation at hand. The one that involved a child. He hadn’t known his words were not only for another woman but for you too.

“You okay, darlin’? You look a little waxy there. The meds workin’ alright or do I need to go and get some more from the infirmary?”

“Fine, Joel.”

“Hey,” His eyes search yours as he tips your chin up, locking onto them and trying to find out what you’re not voicing. But he can’t seem to, because his brow furrows and the corners of his lips pull down. “You sure?”

“Had to take someone out, is all. Muscles weren’t used to being used like that.” The admittance doesn’t lift any of the weight in your chest, but the words are out. No longer caged between your ribs with the other secrets you now carry.

“Tell me you didn’t.” He takes a step back, and he’s not upset…but he’s- something. How were you supposed to know it was fear, when you swallowed yours down so long ago?

“I’ll tell you I did, because it needed to be done. He didn’t deserve to breath anymore. He forced her, Joel. He manipulated her long before that and then when she was finally free from him, he goes and-“

“You shoulda let me handle it.”

“Why? Because I’m too weak?” The snarl in your words has him removing his hand from you, giving you space. He lets out a heavy breath as he realizes the way you had taken his worry, his fear.

The room is crackling, the energy flowing from you having built up for days, weeks now. It hadn’t bothered you at first, it hadn’t bothered you at all. Until someone had made a comment that you had been made to heel, fucked into your rightful place. Just as you had been leaving the clinic earlier that day. You had been preoccupied, yes that’s true, but that didn’t mean you had taken a step to the side and allowed for authority to shift. You had simply begun to focus more on finding things that would not only benefit the anticipated needs of the zone’s occupants, but of Bill and Frank as well. Then you had gotten sick, all of that paired with the reality you were facing alongside Jean and no one could blame you for the whirlwind that had replaced your heart.

“You’re just tired, is all. Not weak, I could’ve been there for backup.” He tries to keep calm, but you can see the way the muscle in his jaw twitches. He looks from the collection of items on the dining table, to where you had made up a nest of sorts on the couch as you had tried to get some time out of the bed you really should be swathed in to recover. “Let’s get you another dose of meds and maybe a shower.”

And you know he isn’t trying to belittle your emotions or step around them. He’s seeing them for what they are, as least as best he can. He knows you’re overwhelmed, that small things grow into big things over time, and this is one of those moments where you realize that they have and it’s completely out of your control.

“‘M fine.” You can’t help the snap of your teeth as you clench your teeth, head pounding and stomach turning. You hadn’t left for days but you had heard the rumors going around as you and Tess all but disappeared from the scene when you both fell sick. Determined to get out and reclaim some semblance of control, you reach for your coat. The clack of plastic makes you freeze, worried that the object got shoved from the depths of the inside pocket it’s hidden in.

Joel takes the moment to come up behind you, his arms wrapping around your middle. Grounding himself and attempting to ground you too, knowing there was no stopping you if you wanted to get some space. You know he wouldn’t take that from you, try to control that part of you. He needed space sometimes too, even on the good days. But this wasn’t one of them, this was a bad day. A monumentally bad one. And it’s made even heartbreakingly worse by the confession he breathes into the back of your neck, his forehead pressed to back of your head as he inhales your scent. Don’t go. Love you. Need you safe while you’re sick.

You freeze, processing.

Love you. Love you. Love you.

It echoes in your mind, his voice caressing and soothing despite everything. It calms you enough to take a deep breath, to try and center yourself for the barest of moments.

And it sounds so good, his voice quietly voicing the warmth and affection that had developed, that had been carefully cultivated between you two over the years. But as good as they sound, they don’t bring you the comfort you know he hopes that they will. Because he’s already undermined the sentiment, he’s already crumbled the very foundation of what you two stand on. It breaks your heart a little to not return the words, even as you feel them harden and catch in the middle of your throat.

“You gotta know that, by now.” He fills the silence as your body tenses in his hold.

But the timing of it, the words he had spoken so devoutly just the previous day are like shrapnel stuck in your skin, burning and stinging. No amount of picking at them will take away the damage they’ve done, clear the burns and the irritation, the pain.

“Didn’t know you were the type of man who cast aside a pregnant woman who came to you for help. A woman who you’ve done nothing but try and watch out for until this point.” Your voice is a whisper, anger bubbling up, heartbreak spilling your chest open, body almost numb from the way everything was so poetically fucked.

“You’re right, I’ve done nothing but try and watch out for her. And guess what? She still got hurt, she still got assaulted, she’s still in this goddamn situation that has no good outcomes!” He’s pulling away, you turn to face him. The darkness that had fallen as night settled is not longer comforting against the onslaught of photophobia you had been experiencing all day. Now it feels suppressive, it feels like you’re in a cage that you can’t escape from. The words Joel had said and is now saying are like locks, connecting together in a twisted way to make you feel the weight of how they can’t possibly be coming from the same person.

“Is it really that bad of a situation?”

“Is it- for fuck’s sake, Cane.” He scrubs a wide palm over his face, the scruff of his neck bristling at the action and causing goosebumps to sprout all along your arms. “I think I get a decent read on you and then you go and ask somethin’ like that. Do you not see how this will affect us? Affect everything we try to do to survive?”

His voice has shifted from anger to something that rings warning bells in your head, it’s not desperation and its not beseeching. But there’s something in the deep timbre that alights your nerves and makes you feel as if everything between you will be determined in the next choice of words. Despite how you feel, despite the way things have been going, the groove you’ve found with him and Tess. Despite the smuggling getting harder but still holding a majority of the supplies and power, and how Joel returns to you every night. Despite it all, the phantom weight you feel low in your middle compels the words that leave your lips next.

“I’m not even sure if I know what love truly is but if it’s not what I feel for you then I have no clue. It’s never simple and perhaps it just speaks to how I’m meant to be alone.”

“What’s more simple than telling me how you feel?” His eyes are narrowed, though you see the way his irises are blown out. You wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s panicking, but he’s not…he’s hadn’t expected anything other than reciprocation. And it breaks your heart, the chasm in your chest deepening as you realize you can’t gift them to him as easily as you would’ve been able to just twenty-four hours prior.

“Because I heard you, Joel!” Your words leave you in a shout, an angry frustrated cry that bursts from your chest. Unable to quell the spike of emotions, this wasn’t just about Jean anymore. “I heard you talking about how that girl you’ve taken under your wing suddenly means nothing to you the second you can’t handle the situation. The things you said, the fucking vitriol in your voice when you talked about an innocent, a baby.”

“That’s what changed your mind? Affected everything I’ve done in the past four years, we’ve done in the past four years.”

“Yes! Because you- it- because it was so hateful. Like, I get it, Joel, really. You’re a big scary man, you’ve got the brooding scowl down and the razor sharp glare, but she needs our help with this. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but I’m not about to tell her what to do with her own body. You cannot be so daft to not think that that’s not going to alter the way I think about you at least a little.”

He doesn’t seem to know how to respond, his full lips pull down into a deep frown and his brow furrows, but he doesn’t say anything else. His eyes hard, sharp on you as he watches the way you shrug your jacket on and stand in front of the door. With a hand on the knob, you look back over your shoulder with a set expression, not willing for him to see any glimpse of what’s going on in your head.

“I’m going to take Jean to Lincoln. It’ll be safer for her there, better place to raise her mistake.”

The instinct to run, to protect, to build for not one but two mistakes settles deep in your bones as you realize the notion was a solitary one. Joel’s own instincts clashing with yours. Preservation and protection flare up and make you defensive, make you willing to walk away from the life you created with someone you love, to deny them the last true thing that makes life worth living- of loving and being loved in return, they allow you push through the heartache of leaving it all behind.

“I’ll be staying there to help her through everything.”

You don’t hear the whispered plea to not leave that falls from his lips, eclipsed by the sound of the slamming door. Or you do, and it push it from your memory for all the pain it brings to recall it.  

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lovely graphics created by @/saradika-graphics and @/cafekitsune

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

A heart that hurts is a heart that works - Something Rotten sequel.

first part can be read here

Pairing: Dark!Joel Miller x afab!reader x Dark!Tess Servopoulos

Words count: 3829

Rating: Mature, absolutely NSFW and again, this shit is triggering. Please, read the tags carefully and if you're a minor don’t interact.

Tags/warning: This happens the morning immediately after the events of Something Rotten, pov second person, no use of y/n, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, heavy degradation, angst, smut, DUB CON/NON CON, reader is barely described, she has breasts and vagina, no mention of her skin tone, she doesn’t blush, she has hair but it’s not described, it is mentioned that Joel's clothes are too big for her (pics are just for aesthetic and don’t represent reader), the only thing is that reader's father died of lung cancer (like mine), depressive thoughts, as said in the first part: reader is held prisoner by Joel and Tess, on her leg is carved the word “pet” (Tess did it), use of a knife, groping, a large amount of bites, mention of wounds, mention of bruises, no kindness whatsoever towards reader, Joel and Tess are both EVIL, fingering (Tess receiving), oral (Tess receiving) spitting, nipples sucking and biting (it's not my ff if there is no attention towards nipples OKAY), unprotected p in v (both f receiving, wrap it up IRL), pussy slapping, cum eating, Joel comes on reader’s face, pissing, a little more scissoring, a little bit of chocking, squirting, brief insert of reader's thoughts in italics… I think it’s all 😅 If I notice I've forgotten something important I'll add it right away.

A/N: Title comes from a Placebo song called Bright Lights. It seemed right to continue with them since "Something Rotten" is also one of their songs. Anyway, I leave you the entire playlist that I listened to while I was writing both this and the first part and again thank you very much to those who recommended songs to me ♥️

There is something of my experience and pain in this so please be particularly kind. English is not my first language and I have no beta, I apologize for any mistakes. I hope you enjoy it, thank you so much to anyone who reads it.

[I started a tag list, if you want to be added let me know, I never tag people because I don't want to impose anything on anyone but if you like it I'm happy too ♥️ ]

Archive tags: @pedrostories ♥️

Your mind is completely clouded. You open your eyes and for a moment you don’t remember where you are, you rub your eyes, feeling your aching body awaken, the pain of every joint coming back to you. You reach out and press a spot on your stiff neck, a stab of pain shooting up your brain like a gunshot and then sliding down your spine, making you grit your teeth to stifle a moan.

You shut your eyes as images of what happened flash before your eyes, a piercing pain taking over your head.

You don’t know how much time has passed but when you manage to sit up, biting the pain between your lips, you see a bright light coming in through the dirty window, a speck of dust stirring in the beam of light that illuminates the messy bed, the crumpled sheets and the two people lying on it. Tess is on her side, her arms folded, her hands resting on the pillow, near her head. There is always a kind of tension in her, you see it even when she is sleeping, in her huddled body that seems ready to attack and unleash its claws on anyone. She is wearing nothing but panties and Joel’s shirt left open, revealing the outline of her breasts. 

She should disgust you, but instead as soon as you see one of her nipples poking out from under her shirt salive pools into your mouth. You put a hand to your forehead, overwhelmed by yourself, by what you feel and by a shame that creeps up inside you and makes your temples throb.

This is so wrong. Yet you would like to lace your lips on that little button and suck it, if only she would let you do it, if only she would let you lie next to her gently, allowing you to be the good pet she expects you to be.

Shifting your gaze to Joel doesn't help soothe your twisted mind. He’s on the other side, lying on his back, in his boxers, your eyes wander on the defined muscles on his chest, the softness of his belly, and a strip of sunlight hitting his abdomen highlighting hair leading to his groin. 

He seems carved out of a block of marble, skimmed by scars, exuding power and sex, the tips of your fingers graze your swollen lips and you still feel his taste, the weight of his cock on your tongue, his relentless thrusts, his hungry eyes on you. 

They must have fallen asleep, which gave you some respite even if you don’t feel rested at all.

You look at your thigh and it's still there, the pulsing sign that you should leave, just run while you can, sneak out of this place quietly and look for somewhere to hide. But you feel like a mouse in a cage, your body not moving an inch. You’re still untied; it would take nothing to reach the door and close it behind you. But what if they woke up? If they felt the bed lighten with your weight? You know they'd have you back in an instant. 

Your brain, you can't decide whether very stupidly or very wisely, thinks that it is better not to make any risky moves to stay alive. 

Helpless and desperate you lie back on the bed staring at the ceiling, the silence broken only by Joel's soft snoring.

Your arms spread across the bed as you sink into your thoughts and your fingers casually graze the knife abandoned on the sheets. The coldness of the blade sends a chill down your spine.

You have to do something for yourself. At least try. You cannot be so spineless. You move one leg off the bed, your eyes fixed on your captors, seeming not to notice anything so you move the other leg as well, letting yourself slide cautiously along the edge of the bed, finally resting both feet on the floor. You pick up the closest garment you can find on the ground, it's a Joel T-shirt, wide and long enough to cover your butt. You just have to get up, you can do it. Leaning your weight on your legs feeling your knees crack in the effort, you wonder what in your body is not sore. You are on your feet. Joel and Tess are motionless in the same position as before. You walk on the floor resting your toe and then your heel, silent and terrified like a prey trying to evade before falling into the lion's jaws, hoping that the wood will not creak under your gait. You reach for the door. You almost make it. Just rest your hand on the handle and lower it. A moment and you're out of here. As soon as your hand touches the cold metal you hear a voice behind you, “Where do you think you're going?” 

You feel your heart falling out of your chest, freezing where you are, your eyes at the door, your breath getting heavy.

“Turn around”

You do it slowly, praying you don't feel a blow immediately afterward. Joel is standing in front of you. “Please” your voice is a barely audible whisper ”please.”

Joel reaches out, grabs you by the wrist “no fucking way” 

He doesn't add anything more, he takes you back to the bed, forcibly lays you down and lies on top of you. His eyes look at you fiercely, he drops down next to your ear “maybe I was wrong about you, you're not the good pet I thought you were. Let me teach you your priorities straight“ he growls, his voice low, sharp. 

His body weighs down on you, completely overpowering you, his legs blocking yours, his hands resting on the sheets on either side of your face. 

"I give you credit for that. You were brave to think you could sneak away. But also incredibly stupid." His voice vibrates close to your ear, it is eerily calm and controlled, sounding as if it came from the darkest part of him, straight from his gut.

A lump rises from the pit of your stomach to your throat, sickening. "I'm sorry," you stammer, Joel's eyes lighting up with that sinister hue you now know like the back of your hand. 

He retrieves the knife from above the bed and places the blade under the fabric of the T-shirt, cutting through the sleeves and tearing it from the neck to the hem, reducing it to a shred of fabric lying beneath you. You tremble when the icy blade touches your skin.

His boxer-covered erection presses against your thigh, against your wound. 

Again you wonder what substance your mind is now made of because feeling him against you, demanding, claiming your body, makes your pleasure slide down your legs. You can feel it on your skin, a shiver, a wetness, a trickle of you leaving you to become his. You mold under him, relaxing your muscles, ceasing to resist, submitting to his stern eyes nailing you to the bed. 

He takes your hands and intertwines them possessively with his own as his legs push between yours, forcefully spreading them apart.

He crawls on you like a rabid dog, inhaling your scent on your neck, down to your sternum, reaching your breast, licking the skin above your ribcage “You were Robert's, weren't you?” 

His teeth close on one of your nipples, biting it, your back arches pushing against his mouth, demanding more. “This? It's mine now.” he whispers in a rough voice ‘This is mine too.’ he adds, twisting the other nipple, he moves one hand to your mound, grabbing it ”What about this wet pussy? She's mine too. I own you now. Make sure you don’t forget that, you little cock slave”

And you feel it again. The desire coursing down your body, clinging to your nerves, flowing into the middle of your thighs. 

It lingers on you deeply. And you’re pleading at that. Before you sense your own voice saying it, like it doesn’t belong to you, coming out of someone’s else body “Please” you babble “please, more” as he run a single finger through your folds.

Everyone you knew died. Every person you loved is gone, ruined by the spreading epidemic. Except your father, who passed away a few years before the pandemic broke out, obliterated by lung cancer. You still remember his jagged, exhausted breathing getting more and more labored, small and thin, until it died out completely. You still remember the smell of the hospital room, the dimness, your gripped heart, your silent tears. It was something you never wanted to see, the moment when death takes someone.  It stays inside, digs deep into you, rattles in the walls of your brain until one day it subsides and remains a creeping awareness you have to live with. A brick in your pocket that will forever weigh of absence, of pain, of lack.

And when you thought maybe you could make it, one day when the brick seemed lighter, pandemic came and your mother turned into a monster. From a fragile woman, still bent by your father's absence, to a ferocious beast with bloodshot eyes that tried to break your neck.

You had had to tear it down yourself, with your own strength, that thing your mother had turned into. And you couldn't explain it for days, or how you had done it, or what had happened. People were running around terrified, not knowing where to take refuge, not knowing if it would ever end. Until they came and loaded you onto trucks, promising to escort you to a safe area. What you were not told was that there was no solution, for some of you there was not even a place in the QZ. The epidemic took away not only the people you cared about but also your dreams, every hope you had for your future, every plan to become a good teacher, to accompany young minds in creating a better world. There is nothing left to create, only destruction.

You could have offered yourself as a teacher in the Qz but you had decided not to bow to a system that spread only government propaganda, instilling in kids that there was nothing else to believe in but FEDRA. 

And even in the face of desperation the cruelty had not stopped, some soldiers had tried to take you at night, traumatized and without strength, you had been saved only by the good heart of one of your neighbors who had defended you. You had jumped out of the truck, along with him and some other people, looking for an alternative that would never come. They had fallen like skittles, one after another. You were tired of seeing it, the cold hand of death reaching out to everyone around you. 

Your heart still aches horribly, but after all, a heart that hurts is a heart that works. And you're still alive. 

He takes the finger away and shoves it in his mouth, enjoying the taste of you and then he’s close to your ear again grazing you with his beard and graveling “I knew you were a little slut,” Joel's heavy breath warms your skin, driving your being back into your body. “When I'm done with you you'll want nothing more than to be my brainless whore”

You’re bucking your hips against him, mindlessly, while he takes your body with his mouth and hands, furiously licking, biting and groping your flesh, moving impatiently over you on the bed and waking Tess up. She takes a few seconds to focus, abruptly recovered from a deep sleep, but then you hear her dry voice, “oh, are you having fun without me?” 

Joel does not tell her that you tried to escape. which in itself is a miracle for you. He turns to her just a moment, leaving your nipple with a loud pop .

“Come” he tells her, and it's almost sweet. Almost. Tess comes crawling up on the bed like a feline and looks down at you, smiling cruelly. 

“Lie on top of her, make sure this bitch doesn't move” Tess nods, he makes room for her, and she crushes you with all her weight, her scarred back against your tits, as if you were a mat, clinging to your arms as Joel watches the scene smugly "Quite a picture" he growls.

He pulls down Tess's panties, tossing them aside. He does the same with his boxers.  “This is exactly what I want. Two pretty cunts all for me” 

He stoops to observe you both, his eyes roaming your sexes, his thumb touching you first, a creamy river in between your folds, and then Tess. She snorts “will you hurry up?”

“mmm you're not wet enough honey, but we can fix that”

“Honey”, you think he is the only person who can call Tess that. Anyone else would be out of balls in a heartbeat. 

He buries his face in her cunt and you feel Tess stiffen on top of you, her whole body reacting to the first touch of Joel's tongue. You seem to catch a glimpse of submerged fragility behind all that violence and resentment she always displays.

She grips your wrists in a vice as her hips rise toward Joel and a low, deep moan escapes from her throat. 

Joel's fingers run hard and calloused over your folds, collecting what drips from you and spreading it over Tess's pussy, mixing your essences, then returning to lick her. And you can feel her, crumbling on top of you, conceding willingly, every muscle in her asking for more.

Each lapping of Joel's tongue on her vibrates over your body like a wave, Tess's butt sliding over your folds, crawling over your clit, giving you reflex stimulation.

“Mmmm just like that, baby, that’s fucking good” 

She whines so sweetly under his ministration, an undertone so vulnerable and tender in her voice you almost think she turned into another person. And you are in the front row watching this, a silent witness to the other Tess, the one who still has a shred of humanity hidden within her.

It’s unique, you think, how sex with the right person, a person we care about, a person we share a path with, makes us. Defenseless, no mask to wear against the world. Even Tess, perhaps the coldest woman you’ve ever met. 

“Nice and drippy” Joel murmurs, nuzzling at Tess’s cunt “fucking gorgeous” 

He dips his nose in there, moving through her folds up to her clits, brushing the tip over it. “You smell so good, babe, such an nice mess for me to feast on” 

“Fuck” Tess gasps “just fuck me” 

“Yeah baby, I’m going to stretch you both so damn right” 

Tess rolls her eyes in twisted need, impatient like the bossy woman she still is and you whine like the shy mess that you are. 

So different and yet ready for the same cock. 

You noticed the way Joel’s voice soften when he speaks to Tess, the intimacy between them is palpable, in this moment you’re just an appendage. 

You want that desperately, belong to someone, to him, to her, to feel his voice and his whole body going unshielded for you. 

Joel spits into his palm and takes his cock in his fist, pumping it and then tapping the tip on her cunt, once, twice, three times, rubbing it on her folds, lubricating it with her juices, before getting it all the way inside her. Tess's body arches so desperately over yours, merging with Joel's as he begins to thrust inside her.

She thrashes on top of you, clinging to your forearms, pushing you back against the mattress, her hips swaying over yours again giving secondhand attention to your clit, now so swollen and needy that each thrust you emit a moan in sync with her, shyly participating in her pleasure. You bend your neck slightly to one side to look at Joel standing before you, bronze and sculptural, a cruel god who leaves you breathless. His chest glistens in the dim sunlight streaming in through the window, revealing tiny droplets of sweat beading on him, a grin painted on his face, brows furrowed, lost in Tess's wet walls, focused on pounding on her special spot again and again.

“You like that huh? You like this cock splitting you, yeah, I know you do, fuck you’re so drenched I could take a bath in it, all slippery and warm...mmm baby, just like that. Take it.”

He rests a hand on her belly to hold her more firmly, a sense of possession different from that manifested with you, purer and deeper, made up of silent, recurring gestures between them. It's as if you feel it all the way down into your stomach as he sinks into her, the forced closeness making you almost delirious, sensitive and wanting.

Tess is almost at her peak, sliding on you now unceasingly, her back kneading your breasts, up and down, your nipples impossibly hard against her skin, she stammers "there- there- I'm almost there- oh fuck"

"Not yet, baby, hold it back" he challenges her and she growls in disappointment and frustration, as he comes out of her. Joel brushes against you "it's time to put this slut in her place. You want it huh?" he roars as he looks at you "I can see it from here, you're flowing like a fucking river, clenching around nothing like a whore” 

His eyes sparkle with evil. He spits on your cunt, a glob of saliva right on your clit. He spreads it quickly over your entrance and thrusts into you unceremoniously, all the way down, in one breath-breaking stroke. "You're full now huh? Clench around my shaft, bitch” 

You feel your walls strangle his cock, eager to hold him inside, to belong to him, to be broken through. "Yes" you moan, not even sure why you had tried to run away from this anymore. Tess wouldn't even need to hold you with her whole body but you'll never say it, the way she bounces on top of you drives you crazy. You are back on the scene now, eager, drunk with a dark, all-consuming desire burning in your veins.

He grips your hips hard, digging his fingers into your thighs, going out and back in you harder, deeper each time, using your cunt as his personal toy, beating on your cervix as if he were to fill it with bruises. And you don't care, welcoming each thrust as if it were the last thing you will ever receive.

Your mouth proceeds alone, bellowing and wailing each moan like an off-key song you can't stop singing, irrepressible, obscene, feverish.

"You're tight for a whore, pet, but don't worry, I'll take care of it." Joel grunts, Tess echoes you, her harsh voice protesting uselessly to let her finish, her legs wrap around Joel's waist claiming him but he is focused on ruining you now with the cruel and unrelenting force he has not reserved for her.

Her nails sink into the skin of your arms, you feel them barely disconcerted by Joel's stabs but a tiny part of your brain knows they will leave more marks on you. 

There is nothing gentle about it, no attention, no care, just animalistic thrusts that make your body shake like an earthquake. 

You are less, obviously less, but you are still something.

Tess turns on you, looking into your eyes, lowering a hand to your clit, rubbing it furiously and then colliding it with her own, clit against clit, pressed together in sloppy kissing, hips rocking back and forth, sliding up to the point where Joel joins obscenely with you, seeking on her own the finish Joel has not yet given her by using your body.

“Oh fuck, yes,” she screeches, "here we go little slut, give it all to me" biting your skin on the marks Joel left, on your neck, on your tits, sucking your nipples between her lips, unrestrained. She's a wild amazon riding you, untamed, fierce and mean, teeth, tongue and hips demanding no permission and taking from your body what they want. 

And then again her hand descends between you to rub her clit as her knuckles press against yours, squirting letting out a guttural sound, flooding you, Joel's cock and the sheets. 

Joel growls at the vision “oh that’s fucking right, babe, yeah spurt all over me, FUCK, so good”

And you lose yourself, your sanity flying out the window with your attempts to escape, you are caged by Tess's body, hammered by Joel's cock, you feel their eyes on you looking fiercely, them calling you their slut again and again, that's all you can do. 

Tess pulls away from you, Joel holds you firmly by the hips, his face contorts into a grimace, he bites his lower lip as he thrusts himself possessively into you, reaches down and puts a hand around your neck, squeezing your pulse point, smiling cruelly as your air diminishes and your mind becomes rarefied “keep it up slut, milk me” and she scolds him “you can't cum inside her”.

“Fuck” he snorts "you're right". The grip on your neck loosens and you gasp, panting hard, trying to regain oxygen.

Joel slaps your pussy hard with his hand open, ordering: “on your knees, pet.”

You sit complacently on your lap on the bed, uncertain of what he wants to do. Tess is at your side, sneering. 

“Stick out your tongue for me.” He says harshly, Tess's hand bends your back, making you squat, waiting. 

“Good kitten” Joel grunts stroking his cock up and down, the angry red tip aimed at you. You don't realize it in time that long, thick, streaks of cum hit your face, your mouth, slide down your chin. You close your eyes just a moment before you feel his semen hit your eyelashes and run thickly down your cheek.

“Mmm now you look just like a proper slut” Tess giggles wickedly, then pauses "In fact no, we can do better". She grabs you by the arm, drags you naked as a maggot into the bathroom, and gets you on your knees inside the tub. “Hold still” she barks at you. You close your eyes, trembling, not knowing what to expect, until you feel something warm hit your forehead, run down your face, partially wash the cum off. An acrid, pungent smell makes its way into your nostrils. As soon as it reaches your lips you realize. 

You open your eyes, clouded by Tess's piss, her degrading gaze penetrating your bones along with Joel's laughter, standing in the bathroom enjoying the show. 

“Now you're perfect.”

tag list: @aurorawritestoescape , @baronessvonglitter

[jessicaslittlelovesickmess]

Once upon a dream

Warning: mentions of pregnancy, mentions of cheating, mention of death, hurt comfort

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x Fem!reader, Tess Servopoulos x Fem!reader, Tess Servopoulos x Joel Miller

The only thing Emily ever wished for was a family, to be the mother she never had to two sons and a beautiful daughter always three children specifically.

Emily always had dreams of becoming a mother one day but it was never in her stack of cards so she shortly gave up the idea. Her dreams would always be just dreams not until she met Y/n, she was everything Emily had ever dreamed of in a spouse.

Only Y/n wasn’t hers

They had met at a local cafe after Emily had accidentally bumped right into her forgetting her coffee as she left in embarrassment. Y/n went straight after her with the drinks in hand never guessing she would end up at her brother’s workplace the bau.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” Hotch asked confused Emily froze before turning around to face the woman. “You know each other?” She asked so unlike herself Penelope would’ve laughed Derek too “Aaron’s my older brother, you forgot your coffee” Y/n smiled.

Fast forward six years later

Emily going from blind date to hookup after hookup to get her mind off the now married woman who she still imagined a life with. Two sons and a beautiful daughter she told herself or even just one child would suffice maybe a cat if children wasn’t an option. She loved Y/n so violently it made her sick and everyone could see from a mile away- everyone besides Y/n although she loved Emily just as fiercely.

When Emily had “died” the other woman was inconsolable it damaged Aaron knowing he had a hand in this by not telling his sister the truth. Instead watching as the woman got married quickly to the first person who showed her simple kindness and their marriage seemed was almost out of convenience. Having met the woman while away trying to escape the life she once knew in Virginia moving to Boston and back again.

Y/n Hotchner became Y/n Servopoulos

Aaron couldn’t watch as his sister saw Emily for the first time once more after apparently being dead, how her hands trembled and eyes watered. The echo of her heels as she quickly left, Emily broke down that day one thing was certain nothing would ever be the same.

Y/n soon revealed she was pregnant with a little boy that shattered Emily’s entire world but she was happy for the woman. Though she couldn’t help but laugh when the baby was born looking just like his Uncle, to Emily Y/n was glowing and Tess well she was there.

Her son was named after an old friend Alex.

Theresa and Emily never got along always classed as competition in the other’s eye but they remained civil around Y/n never wanting to upset her. When Y/n was pregnant a second time Tess was around a whole less always giving Emily a chance to be by the pregnant woman’s side.

It was tough at first trying to win over the woman but Emily had her ways she would beg for Y/n’s forgiveness

A second boy named after his Uncle Aaron, Benjamin

Emily stood beside the woman until Ben turned two, Y/n and Tess were getting a divorce so Emily had the boys whenever she could. Tess had met someone while she was working away from home, some man named Joel from Texas. Joel Miller the same man who did the renovations on their holiday home who even had a daughter of his own.

It wouldn’t be until another year when a move would be made there was a routine the children had made that included Emily. You both would cook dinner- well you would cook and after spending time together you both would get the boys ready for bed and tuck them in. This night however as Ben snuggled into his pillow his little hand reached for Emily’s “stay mama” he yawned as the woman went to stand.

Tears spread on her waterline as she gazed down at him “of course my sweet boy” she smiled and once the kids were asleep you both retreated to the living room. Cuddling on the sofa watching some shitty reality tv show you gazed up at Emily “thank you” was whispered against her jaw. “What for?” She glanced down at you “for everything, for staying” soon enough your lips had met before you were on top straddling her.

Dreams slowly stopped being dreams another two years later when you and Emily had gotten married with just the team a few friends and your two sons as guests. Emily was over the moon to have a family to call her own, to have a reason to go home just knowing she was needed filled her with pride. Emily had gotten a taste of motherhood and she wanted more as you both laid bed post bliss she brought it up she wanted another child.

Two sons and a beautiful daughter

Her dreams were now reality as you welcomed Olivia into the world, Olivia Benson the Senior having to be the one to drive you to the hospital while Emily was away. She held your hand until your wife burst through the doors with the team behind her, you would birth a daughter who was the perfect mix of you both.

A little girl with Emily’s nose and eyes while she had your hair and mouth, Emily couldn’t help but pepper your face in kisses. “You did so well baby, I’m so proud of you” it made her think if she would ever be in this position if she hadn’t bumped into you that day.

Yes you were the bosses little sister but you had lead a similar life in a different town what if ran through her mind until she felt your cold hand on her cheek. She smiled brightly down at you as she leaned down to kiss you softly ignoring everyone in the room “thank you” she whispered.

“What for?” You chuckled tiredly with a dopey grin “our family” Emily held onto your free hand “I love you Y/n Prentiss” ignoring Hotch rolling his eyes fondly.

“I love you most Emily Prentiss”

Dreams do come true to those who wait Emily found.

[theeoriginals]

soft touches

summary: after a rough night, joel miller proves that he is soft in his own way

pairing: joel miller x f!reader (no use of y/n)

a/n: absolutely no one asked for this but here i am, pining over a man that's old enough to be my father. also yea i think we all saw the joel/tess scene in the first episode and went a little insane

warnings: mentions of violence, tlou spoilers (i guess ?), i have not played the game so this is purely based off of the show. angst, but mostly just yearning and soft thoughts mentions of tess, but this kind of exists outside of canon so it doesn't really matter

It was supposed to just be a simple trade, but lately, everyone in the QZ has been on edge. It's not all that surprising that they try to ambush her, but after living this life for so long, she's never unprepared.

Even with her over preparedness, she doesn't manage to get out of the fight scrape-free, and she almost dreads going home for a second before she sucks it up and begins the trek through the abandoned buildings and dank alleyways. It's dark now, luckily, and it had rained until the sun went down, so her boots are practically caked in mud when she finally reaches her building.

Like every time she makes it back safely, in mostly one piece, she spares a silent thanks to whoever's listening that kept her from getting busted by a FEDRA agent. For the most part, they knew who she was because of Joel, and they left her alone in fear of him cutting their supply off, but there was always a straggler that wanted to prove a point. Even after 20 years of this, FEDRA agents still tried to pull ridiculous power plays.

She uses the edge of a stair to scrape a majority of the mud off of her boots before she stomps her way up to the old apartment, announcing her presence to the man most likely waiting up for her.

There's little fanfare when she opens the door and forces her boots off her feet, and the dim light provided by the lanterns and candles cast shadows over her face until she stands upright.

Unconciously, a smile pulls at her lips when she sees the familiar face sitting before her, and she sees the barest hints of relief on his face up until he sees the dried blood on the corner of her mouth, and the bruise already forming beneath her eye.

"Joel..."

He barely lets her get his name out before he's in front of her, hands gently turning her face to examine the extent of the damage. "What happened?"

She sighs, attempting to shake him off. "Joel, I'm fine,"

"You don't look fine,"

"Oh, thank you," She huffs. "You really know how to flatter a girl."

Joel gives her a deadpan look, entirely unamused at her sarcasm. Heaving another sigh, she brings a hand to cover his where it lays on the curve of her jaw. "Tell me what happened."

"I went to go meet the guy like I told you, and he tried to get away with everything. I guess he thought I was just some messenger, so he tried to rough me up. Obviously it didn't work, because I'm fine."

"And him?"

"Well, I don't think he'll be leaving that building without some help."

A distant gleam of humor glimmers in Joel's honey-colored eyes, but his relief of her wellbeing takes over whatever pride he may feel at her handling the situation with what was most likely a show of explosive violence.

Gesturing to one of two chairs at the lopsided kitchen table, he pushes her towards it and she takes a seat, eyes watching as he grabs the bottle of whiskey off the top of the fridge and an old rag that would probably have to be thrown out soon.

He pulls up the other chair in front of her and she scoots forward so her knees slot in between his legs, and Joel mutters something unintelligible as he douses the rag in the whiskey and lifts it to her split lip.

"Might hurt," Is all the warning she gets before he swipes it along the skin and she jerks at the initial touch, eventually settling and letting the faint stinging become a faint sensation in the back of her mind.

When he moves on from her lip, swiping across the dried blood from a scrape on her cheekbone, she looks at him with exhaustion suddenly setting into her bones.

"I got the ration cards, by the way,"

He stops briefly, eyes flicking down to her mouth before he looks back up into her eyes. "What?"

"I didn't let him get away with the ration cards like he tried," She supplies, seeing the words process in his mind.

Joel blinks slowly, pulling away from her slightly before he shakes off whatever thoughts had been running through his mind. "Stubborn girl,"

A smile pulls at her lips and closes her left eye, letting him poke and prod at the swelling with minimal wincing. "It worked out in our favor, though, huh? We'll be eating good for a week straight, baby,"

Joel huffs out a breath, giving her an exasperated look as he finally sets the rag down on the table. "You're lucky it wasn't more than one guy."

"Right, 'cause I'm obviously on my deathbed. I'm a frail, weak little girl who can't fight or–"

"Alright, smartass," He covers her mouth with his hand, cutting her off with a stern look she dutifully ignores. "Next time I'm coming with you."

Pushing his hand off her mouth, she rolls her eyes. "I doubt there will be a next time. Most people don't do business after you break a chair over their back, but you know what? We can certainly try."

"You broke a chair–"

"Who did what isn't important," She stands from the chair, shucking her jacket off as she walks back towards the bed. "What is important is I'm home now, and it's my turn to keep watch, so–"

"Go lay down."

She pauses, jacket sleeves still stuck halfway down her arms as she turns to look at him. "What?"

He points to the old mattress, giving her a look like she was crazy for thinking she would be doing anything else. "Bed."

"Right... but you heard me just now, when I said it was my night to watch the radio?"

He nods slowly, still looking at her like she was stupid. He had a way of doing that, a look that she sometimes thought was just for her, because it wasn't like the other times he looked at people like they were stupid. This one at least had some warmth behind it, but then again, she always thought Joel was warm. Tess had called her delusional more than once, but everyone was a little delusional in their own way, especially in the world they lived in now.

"Yeah," He shrugs, still watching her. "But that was before you came back here looking like you got your ass beat. So now you're going to sleep, and I'll keep watch."

And– he'd kind of just insulted her again, but there was unwavering concern and fondness in his words, so she knew it was useless to try and argue. He was stubborn at the best of times, and completely unbearable at the worst, and she knew that Joel Miller was a man used to getting his way, one way or another.

So, she shrugs her jacket off the rest of the way and practically falls into the bed, her exhaustion catching up with her with the sudden permission to sleep.

Minutes pass in silence as her eyes grow heavier, and in the last moments of consciousness, she hears the creaking floorboards shift under his boots as he walks over to her.

A calloused palm rests on her cheek and she hums lowly, unable to keep her eyes open as she leans into the touch. "Joel,"

"Go to sleep, honey." His voice is low and gravelly, and it's the last thing she hears as she slips into the escape of the dreaming world.

The last thing she feels is the press of his lips on her forehead, and she has the fleeting thought that yes, she may be a little delusional when it came to Joel, but she wasn't that far out of reach with her thoughts. Not when he treated her like she was this soft, breakable thing that deserved nothing but soft touches.

[messrmoonyy]

friends with benefits with Tess but reader has some feelings for her and Tess rejects her a lot and tells her she just wants to have sex with her. But she’s trying to keep her safe because she’s scared that because she does bad things she might make reader be in danger. But Tess sometimes thinks that she wants to be with reader because she has feelings. But one time Tess finally sees that she has feelings for the reader too and they get together

If that’s okay it’s okay if you don’t want to write that

Apartment 342

Tess Servopoulos x reader

A/N- this is not even remotely as smutty as the request may make you think I’m js. Angst, smut( if you squint ), fluff, hurt comfort. All in one. I wrote the majority of this basically in one sitting right up until 2am last night. And I kinda love it. I’m also a little obsessed with Tess’ pov rn I don’t know if you noticed lmao. So this is a Tess pov. And again this literally just doesn’t have smut in. Like maybe 3 sentences. If that. I wanted tess’ emotions instead.

Warnings- smut ( oral ) if you squint, small mentions of violence and injury, honestly a pretty toxic relationship

Word count- 7.9 k

TLOU masterlist | navigation | AO3

Reblogs and comments are encouraged and appreciated. Support your writers <3

Tess ran a soothing hand over your leg as you stopped squirming, going slack with a blissful sigh. She unhooked your leg from over her shoulder and sat up, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand with a satisfied smirk on her face. 

You always looked prettiest like that. Every muscle in your body turned to jelly, a blissed out look on your face. It made her chest twinge in a way she pretended not to notice. 

“ you okay? “ she asked, getting up from the bed and walking over to the window, pushing it open to let some cool air into the now stifling apartment. And hoping the breeze might clear the fog in her mind. 

“ I’m okay “ you said, making Tess glance back to see you shuffling to sit up “ you know someone might see you standing there fuckin naked in front of my window “ 

“ lucky them “ you scoffed, but smiled. 

“ yeah. Lucky them “ she took another moment to feel the cold air before turning away from the window. The last thing she did need was someone seeing her there, as much as she had joked about it . It was why she always made a quick escape, she came for what she needed. Then she left. And that was that. It always had been. 

That was the agreement. No strings attached. No emotions. No feelings. 

“ you know you don’t have to leave straight away? “ you said as she started picking up her clothes, pulling her tshirt over her head “ you make me feel like one of those whores in the back streets of area 3 “ 

“ why? I don’t pay you “ you rolled your eyes at her bad attempt at a joke and she sighed, buttoning her jeans. 

She had started to notice in the last few months your willingness to let her go when you were done was…. Lessening. You tried to make her talk, or even just talk at her. Prolong her visit. She wasn’t much of a talker, especially when it came to her emotions. Her feelings. And she got the idea that was exactly what you wanted to talk about. 

Maybe she was stupid for letting you seduce her all those months ago, letting herself be drawn in and not cutting it off after the first time. It was nearing a year of her slipping through the zone to your apartment, using you as her personal form of stress relief. 

And maybe she was stupid for thinking you would be able to follow the rules that she had set. That she would be able to follow them herself. Usually her self control was impeccable. But clearly not with you. 

“ maybe you should pay me “ you said with what sounded like you were trying to joke back, but it didn’t quite carry. She walked over to you, tucking her fingers under your chin so you’d look up at her. 

“ maybe I should. You always help me out don’t you sweetheart? “ she said with a smile, brushing her thumb across your jaw. She could see one of the conversations she liked to avoid with you brewing, the kind where you tried to make her stay. Tried to make her talk. The kind that almost always ended up in an argument. She could tell just looking at you, your eyes softening in that way they so often did when you looked at her. Gazing up like she was the most incredible thing you’d ever seen. 

Eyes swimming with affection. Affection that she couldn’t accept. 

Your hand came up to touch her cheek and felt like fire. Like your fingertips were molten and scolding her skin. And that look in your eyes… 

" Tess.. "

" don't " she stopped you before you could be even remotely caring towards her. It was always the same. She always ran. She was always scared of letting you in, letting you break the last barricades she had up against you. The second you cracked her she was done for. The second she let you in this entire thing was ruined. She kept you at arms length because she had to, because she was too old for you. She was too dangerous. 

She couldn’t. 

She wondered if you knew her own control was slipping. If you knew she only pushed you away because she had to and that was why you’d taken to trying to make her talk more. Could you see the chink in her armour? Could you see that weak spot hiding and were trying to push at it?

She figured you did. 

" are you okay? " she turned her head, your hand dropping from her cheek. Her skin still burnt. She could still feel you there. She always could. Your fingerprints were practically burned into her skin, a trail of everywhere you had touched her. Marking her in a way only she could see and feel. 

How could she be okay when she felt like you were all over her? on her skin and in her mind. 

" I'm fine " she lied. 

" that's always your fuckin answer " you muttered, annoyance filtering into your words.

" because im always fine " she sighed, annoyance in her own voice as she pulled her jacket on ready to flee the situation. Fearing that one day you’d bring up that conversation and she’d crack. And she couldn’t. She couldn’t. 

" no one is always fine Tess. You act like you’re so fucking strong all the time… but you can’t pretend with me. I see you " she gave a short laugh and grabbed her bag. Checking her gun was loaded and shoving it into her back pocket, it was past curfew after all. You sat up, holding the sheets to your chest as your eyes followed her as she collected up your clothes from the floor. 

" well, I am " she dropped them next to you and you grabbed her arm before she could leave. She avoided your eyes at first, her jaw tightening. She didn’t want to deal with this conversation tonight. Or any night for that matter. She needed to get out of that damn apartment. 

" Tess " she closed her eyes for a moment before meeting yours. They always looked so sad, like so much was going on behind those beautiful eyes. You wished she'd talk to you, she knew that. She knew you were silently begging for her to stay. To tell you what you wanted to hear. Wished she'd sit down and just spill every single trouble she had, confide in you. Trust you. But she couldn’t trust anyone. Not with emotions like that. 

Deep down she wanted to. Wanted to stay and tell you that it would probably end up with both of you dead, but something was prickling in her chest every time she looked at you. Every time she was around you. But she knew it would only end in disaster. 

" I'm fine sweetheart. Alright? Look I got shit to do oka- " 

" I dont believe you "

" I'm not asking you to " she pulled slightly at your grip but you didn't let her go. And maybe that in itself was a little win for you, because she very easily could shake herself from your grip if she wanted to. You weren’t even holding her tightly and she was far stronger than you anyway. But she didn't. She stood there with your fingers wrapped around her wrist, letting you have that. Part of her wishing she could give in. 

" you can talk to me. You don't have to leave 30 seconds after you fuck me you know. I don't know why you're so scared of me " she scoffed again at that “ or does only Joel get to hear your secrets huh? “ she shook her head and did let herself free from your grasp then, running a hand over face with a sigh. 

That was another thing about you. You’d started suspecting you were just her side thing, that she was fucking Joel and then going around to you for seconds. Which was stupid. Both of you knew that, you were just getting desperate clearly. 

Little did you know she hadn’t been with a single other person since she’d met you. Least of all Joel. 

" scared of you. Please " she shook her head with a slightly bitter laugh, shaking off those thoughts “ sweetheart I hate to break it you but you’re least scary person in this entire fuckin QZ alright" she placed her hands on her hips in a way that demanded authority, that served as a reminded of who was in charge. Who was the boss. A reminder that she had the power there and you didn’t, and that wasn’t about to change “ that's not our arrangement. We don't... talk you know that. You said you were okay with that. It works. Don't rock the fuckin boat. Be a good girl, do as you’re told " her tone was almost condescending, mocking. Further reminding you to get back in line. She was being mean. She always was. But it worked and kept you in place where she needed you to be. 

" right. Okay whatever " you pulled your clothes back on and stood up yourself as she headed for your door. But she stopped before she could reach for the handle, turning back around again. 

She was curious about what had brought on tonight’s particular round of questions. They were getting more frequent. 

" why are you doing this? " you raised an eyebrow clearly urging her to elaborate " this... trying to- we agreed no strings. This only works if we stay that way. If you listen " it was your turn to scoff and you folded your arms. 

" I think you ruined that yourself when you turned up here with a bag of illegal shit last month Tess. You’re the one that pulled me into the shit you apparently wanted to keep me away from. So don’t give me that bullshit that this only works if you do this stupid fleeing act every time you come over here because you wanna fuck and forget " 

She’d turned up with a bloody nose and her hood up, pushing into your apartment before you could even invite her in. She hadn’t known where else to go. She was tangled in a mess of some wannabe crime boss and had bitten off slightly more than she could chew. She’d thought going to you would be safe. There was nothing to link her to you, no reason why she’d go to you. 

But 2 nights later you'd been jumped on your way home from a work assignment. You’d have died if she and Joel hadn’t turned up, Tess getting some strange feeling that something was going down, deciding to go check on you only to find you blacked out with two thugs searching your pockets. 

She had kind of been forced to be a little more open with you after that. Though she still wasn’t exactly an open book because if you knew everything?  she’d scare you away she knew it. If you knew the stuff she did, the gritty details of how she and Joel had made their way up the ladder of command in Boston.  They didn’t get where they were by trading friendship bracelets. 

She had told you she'd regretted going to you the moment she'd arrived, that she shouldn't have put you in that position. That danger. Yet also convinced no one would ever suspect she would go to you. Yet someone had clearly followed her. And then you. In honestly she’d never been so scared for your safety like that. Or anyone’s for that matter. And that concerned her. Because she wasn’t supposed to care. 

Yet she clearly was. 

She’d stayed in your apartment for 2 days after the attack. Sitting like a guard dog at your door in case someone tried to break in. She didn’t think she’d actually slept at all in those two days. She’d tended to your wounds, watched out the window like a hawk, brought you food. 

That wasn’t the actions of someone that didn’t care. In fact it was quite the opposite 

" you know why I had to do that. The whole reason I came to you was because we had no strings. There was nothing to connect us " it stung a little. She could tell, something flickering across your face. But you were both used to it. Hurting each other " I didn't know someone would follow me. I didn't think- look I'm not getting into this tonight. I came here because I was stressed, you're meant to help me relax and right now you're just giving me a fuckin headache sweetheart " 

" right because that's all I'm good for for you isn't it? Stress relief? I’m not a fucking toy you know! God you're a fucking dick sometimes Tess, pushing people around for your own fuckin amusement right? " now it was her time to be stung. Just a little. 

She didn’t want you thinking that. But she needed you to. She’d rather you hate her and be safe than feel for her and be battered to a pulp by some nobody in a back alley. 

And she knew even if you did hate her you’d never lock her out. She had you by the throat and both of you knew it. You were putty in her hand and she knew how to press and mould you to exactly how she wanted. And you let her. 

" why do you care? " you laughed at that like it was the stupidest thing she had ever said. 

" because I do " 

" that's not an answer " 

" yeah well neither is 'I'm fine' when you clearly aren't so I guess we're both even huh?  " you'd got her there, her jaw clenching again. Maybe you both got off on the arguing like that. Maybe you liked pushing her buttons as much as she enjoyed pushing yours " do you care? Huh? Does that fuckin cold heart in there even know what caring is? " 

" do you think I'd be here if I didn't? " she snapped and she'd got you. For once she truly had rendered you speechless with that it seemed. It was pathetic really. The absolute bottom of the barrel bare minimum and yet it made your eyes widen, soften. 

" you don't act like it " all your anger had gone from your words. You sounded weak now. She didn’t like the way it made her chest ache. It made her angry. Annoyed. Annoyed that you kept making her feel. 

" I saved your life and I protect you every single day. And this is my thanks? Damn sweetheart, who’s the one with cold heart now hey? " she said and walked over to you in a way that would have been intimidating if you didn't know her, if you didn't know she'd never lay an agressive finger on you. A way that would make anyone else back up. But you held your ground. Maybe it was still a little intimidating though, the way she saw your breath catch. But you liked that and she knew you did " you think only one person tried to get you? Just that one I saved your ass from in the street? These kind of guys don't just stop at one person " she gave it a moment. Let it sink in. 

Let you know that she had been taking care of you without you even knowing it. Telling you she felt something without really having to say it. 

She tucked her fingers under your chin and for a moment she almost wanted to kiss you. Seeing you looking up at her like that. So vulnerable and innocent. So far from what she was. But she didn’t. She never kissed you. Never on the lips anyway. That was too… intimate. Kissing meant feelings. 

She couldn’t feel things. She couldn’t have you feeling things. 

" I- " 

" I have a lot of people that don’t like me. That want what me and Joel have " her voice was low, almost threatening. She needed you to listen, to shake you out of the mood you were in " you think you wouldn't be the first person they'd go for if they knew about you? They go for who they think will hurt the most. They find a weak spot and they break it "

" I didn't know " you whispered 

" of course you didn't. That's the whole fuckin point. I stop things before you even know they exist. People. You know what they'd do to you if they ever got their hands on you? Is that what you want me to tell you? “

“ Tess- “

“ will that make you fuckin listen to me? Hmm? If I tell you about how they'd hurt you? Kidnap you? You think they’d go easy on you? You’re young. You’re beautiful. Do you need me to tell you how much fun they’d have breaking you? " her voice remained steady. Low. Intimidating. Of course she’d never let anyone do those things, she’d protect you with her life. But if telling you about was what it took to make you stop feeling things. Then she’d do it. 

" Tess stop- "

" these aren't nice people. I don't deal with nice fuckin people. You really want to involve yourself in that? In my life? Put yourself at risk like that? " 

" you're scaring me stop " you whispered, the message seemingly sinking in. 

" good, it should fuckin scare you. So stop asking questions, be a good girl and do as you’re told. Okay? " she held your gaze for a moment before her eyes flickered away, her other hand slipped down around your waist and over your ass, giving a light squeeze. Solidifying the reason she was there, remind you the reason she had turned up at your door. Maybe more to herself than to you at that point" thank you for tonight " then she let you go and headed back for the door again, the moment over " I'll see you tomorrow sweetheart " 

To your surprise you followed her out into the hall and she wondered if you were trying to lure her back in again. You always did love arguing with her. 

" no. You know don't bother. Seeing as I'm so stressing for you, right? And I’m your weak spot right? Go see if you can find someone else to put up with you like I do " you said in a harsh whisper, not exactly keen on airing your dirty laundry in the hallway for your neighbours to hear apparently. She turned back to you as she headed for the stairs at the end of the hall, and couldn’t help the smirk that found its way onto her face. 

You were cute when you were trying to be angry. Telling her to fuck off like you so often did when she made you mad or told you some home truths. 

" you're funny " she simply said, knowing it would only wind you up further and made her way down the stairs, leaving you to stew on your anger with her for the night. 

She knew you didn’t really mean it. She knew you couldn’t stay angry at her. That no matter what she said to you you would be waiting for her the second she knocked on your door again. And maybe that was wrong. Or toxic. 

But it was also keeping you safe. 

It was raining as she slipped out of your apartment building. It was barely past 7 and already pitch black outside, the winter rain icy against her skin. But she almost didn’t mind the dark. It meant she could hide better as she slipped through the back alleys, avoiding patrols with ease. She knew every rotation in her area like the back of her hand, and the other areas for that matter. So she made it back to her apartment undetected. Wet and cold. But undetected. 

Tess walked into the dark of her apartment with a deflated sigh. Closing the door and tossing the keys onto the kitchen counter before flicking on the lamp, only to startle as she found Joel sitting at the kitchen table. 

“ what the fuck Joel! “ 

“ well good evenin to you too “ she held a hand over her chest, feeling her heart hammering away as she took a deep breath to try slow it down. 

“ I’m too tired for you to be sitting around in the dark you fuckin dick “ Joel simply shrugged and she felt his eyes on her as she rummaged around in the kitchen to find a glass, hoping a glass of water would steady her again “ why are you sitting in the dark? In fact why the fuck are you even here? Go home “

“ I had a headache. And I you know that is not a nice thing to say to a guest in your home “

“ guests are invited. They don’t let themselves in and sit in the fuckin dark and damn near give me a heart attack Joel “ she shed her wet jacket and sat down opposite him, noticing a welt on his cheek that hadn’t been there that morning “ the fuck happened to you? “

“ some fucker working for Farris happened to me “ Tess sighed and ran a hand over her face, a headache threatening to pool behind her own temples “ where the fuck were you? “ her fingers itched to go grab the bottle of whiskey she knew was in the cupboard above the sink. It would certainly make this conversation easier. But she resisted, knowing it would only make the headache worse tomorrow morning. 

“ I was busy “

“ busy fuckin your little thing on the other side of 4? “ she clenched her jaw at the unsavoury tone he had. She knew what he thought of you. She knew that he just thought you were a distraction. But she also knew he wouldn’t prod too deeply into the harsher thoughts he had, because she had plenty of her own verbal ammo to retaliate with. At least her recreational activities weren’t damaging. Unlike Joel and his Oxy. 

“ it doesn’t matter where I was. What matters is Farris is getting too big for his fuckin boots. And we need to be careful. We worked hard to get where we are Joel. I won’t throw away the last 8 years of work because some nobody wants to take over our smuggling lines. Alright? “ Joel raised his hand in some show of surrender, leaning back in the chair that creaked under his weight. 

“ so what are we doin about him. Cause if what those fuckers that jumped me tonight said is true, your little doll over the way might be in for one hell of a weekend “ that peaked her interest. Her eyes flying up to meet Joel’s “ now I got your attention huh “ 

“ don’t fuck around with me Joel. What do you know “ he shrugged and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment. 

“ Farris knows we’re the ones that killed the guys that went after her. Some test I guess. Seeing if she really was the way to push your buttons. I guess we proved it to him “ 

“ fuck “ she cursed under her breath, leaning her elbows onto the table and raking her fingers into her hair “ fuck “ she could feel Joel’s eyes on her, burning into her. She was becoming far too slack when it came to you. She was beginning to let her emotions cloud her judgement. And she couldn’t do that. 

For one it was completely pointless to have the emotions in the first place. She was the one that had told you there would be no emotions. No strings. No nothing. Sex. And only sex. Two lonely people getting their required quota of human contact and that was all. 

But she knew you had abandoned that. She knew that you weren’t strong enough to control your emotions and it was rubbing off on her. But she had to be stronger. She needed to be. She couldn’t be with you. 

For one she was too old. Even the fucking wasn’t exactly the best of plans, she was holding all your attention when you could go out and find someone your own age. Someone a little less fucked up. But she was selfish. And she liked you. And she liked the way you looked at her. And maybe it was cruel to say, but she liked how you always came back. No matter what she said or how much she pushed you away. You always came running back to her again, which is what she always wanted. 

She had noticed herself getting a little less… distant. She didn’t really want to push you away even though she knew she should. She wanted you around. She wanted to keep seeing you. 

But it looked like that was starting to become impossible. 

You didn’t deserve the life she was leading. She did things too dangerous for someone as sheltered as you. 

“ well I’ll be damned “ Joel said after a few moments, shaking his head in what seemed to be amusement 

“ is something funny? “ he seemed to debate saying what he was thinking. And she knew he wanted to say it. To say she’d caught feelings. Say she was stupid keeping it going this long. 

“ you gotta cut that off Tess “ he said in the end, clearly avoiding what he really wanted to say to her “ You’re getting too tangled up in whatever the fuck it is you having going on with her. This isn’t you “ 

“ I know “ she whispered, resting her head in her hands for a moment “ I know “ 

She liked to joke and call you naive, but maybe she was the naive one. To think she could go along with someone like you this long and not get attached. 

“ this shit with Farris is serious “

“ yeah Joel I fuckin know “ she snapped, sighing again and sitting back in the chair. She gathered her thoughts, pushed you to the back of her mind. And focused on the business at hand “ so here’s what we’re gonna do “

" fuck that's it. Good girl like that " there you were again. On your knees for her as if you hadn't told her to stay away only a week ago. Her fingers were tugging at your hair, guiding your head at a pace she wanted. Once again letting her use you as a way to relieve her stress. Letting her take what she needed and have the control. And you were a sucker for her so you did it every time. 

So much you not wanting to see her again. So much for her telling Joel it was over.

In fact that was what she had turned up at your place to talk about. To tell you she couldn’t do it anymore, ready to make up some excuses that she’d found someone else. That she was bored. Any excuse that would hurt you enough to stay away from her for real this time. Ready to lie through her teeth and pretend you meant nothing to her in an attempt to keep you safe. 

But you had all but jumped her the second she’d stepped into your apartment, clearly having a stressful day yourself and in the mood to please. 

And having your head between her thighs one last time wasn’t something to complain about she supposed. Especially when you were touching her like that. 

“ that’s my girl, fuck just like that “ she’d miss that. Miss the way you felt smiling against her, how your fingers felt inside of her, the noises you made. 

She’d miss you completely. Not even just the sex. Your eyes. Your smile. Your fearlessness when it came to arguing with her, shouting back without a care. 

But it was for your own good. And maybe her own too. 

She didn’t last much longer, coming on your fingers with a choked moan and tugging probably painfully at your hair before going slack. 

" that's really not why I came to see you you know " she said with a small laugh, pulling her jeans back on and pushing her hair from her damp forehead as the blissful feeling left her as quickly as it had arrived. 

" could've fooled me " you cracked a smile as you said it and rose to your feet. 

She’d really miss you smiling at her like that. Miss the way your eyes practically sparkled anytime you looked at her, clearly such strong admiration and affection that she almost expected to see cartoon hearts floating around your head. 

" I'm serious " you sat beside her and she noticed the way you pressed yourself into her side. And she couldn’t help the way her arm fell across your shoulders, holding you there. Allowing herself that small thing before she pushed you out of her life completely " I just wanted to check on you. Especially after your pissy fuckin mood the other day " 

" thank you " she shrugged and you were both quiet for a few minutes " are you in danger? Am I? " you asked quietly, looking up at her with those big sad eyes. She refused to hold your gaze. 

" what? " 

" what you're doing? Is it dangerous? The people who made you worried so you came to check on me, are they dangerous? " You kind of knew the answer already she was sure of it. She was a smuggler. It wasn’t exactly the safest job in the world right now. You knew she was dangerous and she dealt with dangerous people. She did dangerous things. But you clearly wanted to hear her say it to you. Maybe so you could justify the constant worrying you always did for her. The worrying she always told you not to do. 

But it was okay. You wouldn’t worry for her after today. 

" I’m handling it "

" and if you can’t " 

" i can " 

" but if you can’t " you pressed 

" why are you so Interested? " she asked with a slight sigh, silently hoping she could’ve gotten a few more minutes of peace with you before the argument began “ you think I cant handle myself? “

" I worry about you " as much as you said it it still made her heart ache each time. Not many people cared about her. In fact she was certain it was just you and Joel. It was almost alien now " I always worry. I’ve seen you kill people like it was nothing and I wasn’t afraid, I was concerned you’d hurt yourself. You deal with FEDRA officers Tess. Any one of them could decide one day they’re bored and turn you in. I don’t wanna wake up one day and see your name on the roster for the public fucking hangings " you rambled it all out in practically one breath. 

She didn't respond straight away. Simply kept watching you as the words continued to tumble from your mouth before you bothered to stop them. Not sure what she was supposed to say. She wished she could be like you. So willing to express yourself and so open with your emotions. 

But this situation with Farris was big. And she couldn’t risk it. She had to stay on track. 

" you shouldn't worry so much " you almost seemed like you wanted to laugh. She broke your eye contact, staring at the black screen of the long broken tv instead " I can take care of myself "

" I know you can... it doesn't mean I won't worry. And before you say anything I don't want to hear that stupid no strings conversation again " You turned her face to look at you, hand on her cheek. So tender with her. So gentle. No one touched her tenderly anymore. No one showed her care. 

" Tess... " your voice was a whisper, trailing off as words seemed to fail you at the closeness of her face to yours. Her nose brushed against yours and she so desperately wanted to kiss you. She debated it for a moment, wondering if it would be so bad. She was still going to leave you. She was still going to break your heart, so what did it matter anyway? 

But she feared that as soon as she did so nothing she could say would push you back. You would never let her go after you got the affection you had begged her for for so long. She couldn’t take the risk. 

" don't " her voice stopped you before your lips could touch, low and almost warning, as her hand wrapped around your wrist. 

" please " it sounded weak. Pathetic almost. It made her chest tighten. You were so desperate for love. For love from her. And she couldn’t give it to you. 

" we can't. Not now. We can't " not now was probably a poor choice. It would insight hope. A half promise that the present wasn’t going to work. But maybe the future would. 

" why? " she pulled away from you and got to her feet. Running away. Again. She had to. She had to get out of there before she broke completely. 

" don't do this again for the love of god don’t give me this fuckin conversation again " 

" why can't you just answer me? Honestly. Just tell me why you won't even kiss me for fuck sakes. Why won't you open up to me? Why do you keep pretending you care about me only to kick me to the curb again? " 

" do you think I'd be here if I didn't fucking care? " her voice was rising and you knew you'd just fallen into the same routine of trying to talk and ending up in a fight. But maybe that was okay. That would help. Would make ripping the bandaid a little easier 

" then stop pushing me away! The no strings thing? It’s bullshit! It’s. Bullshit. You think I could be like this with you for this long and not feel something? And I know you feel something too you’re just too fucking stubborn. And I’m tired of pretending I’m not in l- "

" don't. Don't you say it " she turned to you, finger pointing at you in warning. Brow furrowed as it always was " don't. Say it. You say it and I'm gone. I'm gone and I won’t come back " she couldn’t hear you say that word. She knew you were in love. Of course she did. But you’d never said it. And that would be too much for her. That would hurt beyond relief. 

It would hurt you even more. 

You held her gaze for a moment. Debating it. But you looked so tired. You were done clearly. Done listening to her. Done being pushed around. 

" I love you " you said with a shrug, tears pooling at your eyes as you breathed it out despite her warnings, like it couldn't be contained any longer. It wasn't fair " maybe that makes me an idiot. But I do. And I won't pretend I don't anymore " tears fell down your cheeks then and she fought to keep her composure. To remain stony faced and cold. 

Rip the bandaid Tess. 

" you can't. You don't understand. Loving me is... I can't. You can't " she felt more flustered than angry, as if she'd received some detrimental information that was world ending. Her hand raking through her hair. She wanted to walk over, hold your face and wipe your tears. Tell you that yes you were so unbelievably stupid for loving her but she loved you too. She couldn’t “ i have to go “ 

" of course you do " you didn't follow her as she grabbed her jacket and headed for your front door 

" You won't see me again. I'll make sure Joel keeps an eye on you. I’ll make sure you’re safe but. This is it. You won't see me again like this. Whatever this is… it’s done " she hesitated for a moment looking back at your sagged, crying form. It was pity she felt the most. She pitied you. You who had just told her you were in love with her. That you cared.  

She wished she could tell you the truth. Tell you how she felt. But she couldn’t. 

Rip it. 

“ that’s. That’s the whole reason I came here anyway. Me and you it’s- look it’s done okay. I don’t wanna do this with your anymore alright? You don’t listen. All these emotions… we said no strings. And you didn’t listen. We’re done here “ 

" well good. I don't want to see you again anyway, don't ever come back here. Go find someone else to fuck! I don't want to hear from you again "

She didn't respond. Simply clenched her jaw and gave a short nod of her head. 

It had been ripped. 

It was done. 

You despised her. 

She left your building in a hurry, like the air inside was too confining and her chest felt too tight. Outside she took a breath, leaning back against the brick and closing her eyes for a moment. 

“ fuck “ she didn’t know how she felt. Angry. Upset. Both “ fuck! “ she dropped her head into her hands for a moment, trying to steady her breathing before raking her hands through her hair and trying to compose herself. 

She had important things to do. She had to find Farris and make this entire thing worth it. She braced her hands on her knees, taking a moment. And then she stood up and she left. She had to find him. 

Tess didn't exactly recall how she'd ended up in front of your building. Brief flickers in her mind of her and Joel finally tracking down the bastard that had been threatening you, the almost blackout anger that was clouding the memories. Blood. And guns. And knives. the hammering rain against her skin. But she couldn't recall the entire journey properly, or the events of the warehouse in area 4. Just that she was now there. Rain dripping into her eyes, entire body aching now that her adrenaline had worn off. Some muttered excuse to Joel to take their stolen goods back home and that she needed to make sure you were okay. 

She was convinced she’d taken a knife to the shoulder at some point, a dull ache growing stronger by the second. 

But Farris was dead. And that was all that mattered. He was dead. He wouldn’t bother her anymore. Or you. You were safe. 

She knew they were dead. That was a certain thing. They had made him suffer. Did the things she tried so desperately to keep away from you. But it was worth it. But other things she couldn’t quite recall, couldn’t quite separate the real from the make believe. 

She just knew she had to see you. After all she’d done. But you still hated her. She knew that. 

So she didn’t know why she was there. Or why she found her feet carrying her up to your apartment door. Staring at the metal 342 that had faded and tarnished over the the years. 

You wouldn’t see her she was certain. You’d slam the door in her face and tell her to get fucked. 

But she knocked anyway. 

She wanted to explain. Explain how she had had to push you away. Be cruel. Because she felt so unbelievably undeserving of love, especially from someone as incredible as you. Because she felt you deserved better. Someone younger. Someone who didn’t do illegal shit every single day. Someone who could keep you safe. 

But also… she just needed to be around you. To be in your company. To talk to someone other than Joel. He wouldn’t understand. But you would. 

She knocked again. Before she could change her mind and turn around. There was some shuffling around inside your apartment, the sound of the key in the lock. 

You opened the door only a crack, the security chain in front of your face. She almost smiled just at that. You'd listened to her and her worries for your safety. Your eyes fell on her and she waited for you to slam it back in her face, or tell her to fuck off and leave you alone. But you said nothing. You didn't even look that shocked to see her. 

" I didn't know where else to go " her voice sounded far weaker than she'd been expecting, and as though she'd had to force the words out of her throat. She waited for the door slam. Or that bitter laugh you gave her whenever she'd pissed you off or said something stupid that had upset you. 

But instead you closed the door softly, the sound of the security chain dropping and then re opened the door. You looked her up and down before reaching out your hand and gently leading her inside. 

She must have looked a sight. Soaked from the rain and sporting a black eye. And a possible stab wound. But you didn’t comment on it. 

She stood a little awkwardly as you re locked the door. Not knowing what to say at all 

“ shit you’re bleeding “ you said softly, coming up behind her and placing a hand to her aching shoulder “ sit down. You’re making a damn puddle “ 

She sat at the table and shed her button up, your hand gentle as you pushed her tank strap out of the way and examined the wound 

“ knife “ she said before you asked her, hissing through her teeth as you pressed at the tender skin. 

“ stay here “ she watched you go into the bathroom, the sound of cupboards opening and closing for a few moments. She almost wanted to cry. Or scream. It wasn’t natural how nice of a person you were. How no matter how much she pushed you around you still helped her. 

She didn’t deserve your help. Or your care. And yet you were giving it to her so freely. 

“ I’m sorry “ she said when you resurfaced, hands full of stuff to clean her up. 

“ yeah. I know “ you said quietly, dabbing at her wound a little harsher than probably necessary. But she deserved that 

“ I can explain “ 

“ you don’t have to “

“ I need to “

“ I know. You do. You have a lot of shit to explain to me. But… not now Tess. I don’t know where you’ve been or what you’ve done. But you’re in no state to talk tonight. It’s okay. I can wait “ there was no malice in your words, no anger. She was taken aback by it. 

She didn’t deserve you. She didn’t. 

“ I don’t deserve you “ you gave a small laugh behind her and she glanced up at you as you picked up a needle and thread from the table. 

“ you’re right. You don’t. But I’ve been known to have exceptionally bad taste in women “ she closed her eyes as you stitched her up in silence. And for once she felt like a weight was shifting off her shoulders. 

She felt safe there. Protected. Cared for. Like all her emotions of the day, the last few months in fact, came rushing forward. 

“ I didn’t mean what I said “ you sighed again behind her but didn’t berate her for trying to talk again “ I had to it- I did it because- fuck “ her brain refused to string a sentence together, still cloudy and frazzled from days of hunting Farris down. From the fight that had ended it all. From the lack of sleep. 

Maybe she was hallucinating the entire thing. But the dull pain of the needle threading through her skin reminded her she couldn’t be. 

“ you’re not yourself “ you said softly tying off the the thread and placing a gentle hand to her shoulder as you rounded her “ look at me “ 

You held her face in your hands, holding her head up so she had no choice but to look at you. She could almost see the cogs whirring away inside your head, trying to read her expression. But Tess was a notoriously hard nut to crack. Able to read a room in a second but impossible to read herself “ look. Tess. I’m serious. You don’t need to explain tonight. You can take your time. It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to be something in here. It’s just me “ 

She closed her eyes and let out a deflated sigh. Maybe she shouldn’t have visited you tonight. Maybe she should’ve gathered her thoughts and tried in the morning when her brain would actually allow her to string together a coherent sentence. 

“ I’m sorry “ 

“ I know you are “ her own hands came up to cover yours, looking at your eyes that were swimming with sympathy. Pity. From anyone else she would’ve hated it. But from you it made her chest tighten. 

“ I don’t deserve you “ she repeated in a whisper “ I don’t. All that I’ve done to you all that I’ve said- “

“ shh. Not tonight. You can do your explaining. And your grovelling. In the morning. And before you protest you’re staying here tonight. Send you out like this fuckin FEDRA will capture your ass before you even reach the end of the street “ 

She did want to protest, she’d never stayed overnight. But she didn’t have the energy. Or the heart. 

“ I’ll go find you some clothes yeah? “ you let her go and turned to walk away but she stood up and grabbed at your arm. You tilted your head to the side, a flash of confusion on your face “ everything okay? “ 

“ I will explain. Tomorrow I mean. I’ll explain everything. And I’ll grovel. I’ll do whatever the fuck you want me to until you believe that I’m sorry “ she took a step to close the distance between you both, cupping your face in her hands “ I was scared “ 

“ you’re not scared of anything are you? “ you said quietly with a smile on your face. There was a lot she was scared of. And most of those things boiled down to you. She was terrified of anyone hurting you. Terrified of losing you. Terrified of the way that you made her feel. 

But she couldn’t find the words to tell you that. Not tonight. 

So she showed you instead. 

She leaned in slowly, giving you every chance to push her back and tell her not to. She wouldn’t blame you for it. But you didn’t. She kissed you in a way that could only be described as tender. Barely even touching her lips to yours at first, still waiting for you to shove your hands against her chest and tell her to get out. 

But you didn’t. You stepped closer, you warm hands sliding over her bare arms and up to twist your fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck. So she placed a hand to your back, pulling you in as close as she could, pressing your warm body to her cold and damp one. It made you shiver and she wondered if it was from her rain soaked shirt touching you or because of the kiss. 

She hoped for the latter. 

She kissed you in a way she had never kissed anyone else. Slowly, passionately. Expressing every single word of affection she had kept from you into every press of her lips to yours. 

she didn’t know how long it had been, just that you seemingly had no intentions of breaking away and she wasn’t about to either. So you kissed until her lungs began to protest, reluctantly detaching her lips from yours but not moving more than an inch or two away. 

She’d lied to herself before she thought. That this was actually when you looked the prettiest. 

“ I think that was a pretty good apology “ you whispered, your breath fanning onto her lips in a way that made her shiver “ you still have to grovel “ 

“ I’m aware sweetheart. I’m aware “ 

[perotovar]

given to fly — drabble

pairing: joel/tess, ellie makes an appearance rating: T warnings: angst, takes place during ep 3, lots of introspection/character study, canon character death, if i missed anything else lmk! word count: 556 dividers: @saradika-graphics beta: @deathswaywardson this is a part of @iamasaddie 's ✏️ game! make sure you go read the other submissions!! moodboard is also made by @iamasaddie ♥

Joel hadn’t really had a chance to properly… process what happened to Tess. He’s not sure he’ll ever get one. He made that little memorial for her by the riverbank, but it’s not enough. Tess meant too much for that.

It really hit him when Ellie looked through the clothes at Bill and Frank’s. “They had clothes for women?” She asked incredulously and held up one of the boxes. On the side, it said, Women’s Shirts – SM - MED. When Joel looked at the box, it didn’t register until Ellie asked, “How come? Did they trade with anyone else, or was it just you and…?” She left it hanging, because of what Joel said earlier.

“You don’t bring up Tess. Ever.”

Joel grunted to himself and turned back to the closet, looking through a box of the Men’s Shirts – L - XL.

“Jus’ pick somethin’ out and take your shower,” he mumbled under his breath.

Ellie exhaled a heavy breath and went back to look through the shirts. When she decided on one she liked she made an awkward exit, gesturing toward the bathroom in the hall with her thumb, and turned to leave.

Joel waited until he heard the water running to let out his own deep exhale, and pressed his thumb and forefinger into his eyes. He felt the tears sting behind his eyelids, and for a second he didn’t think he was going to cry, but then he let out a shaky breath and it’s like the floodgates opened. He didn’t even recognize the sounds he made. He felt his chest aching and his head pounding, but he had to stop. He had no idea how much time had passed with him like this. He can’t imagine Ellie will be much longer.

He cleared his throat and used the sleeve of his canvas jacket to wipe any stray tears away and made himself seem at least somewhat presentable. Shortly after, the sounds of the shower ceased and he coughed again, sniffling to himself. He grabbed an outfit for himself and a towel to use and waited until Ellie left. Thankfully, she didn’t come back into the bedroom with the clothes, and just made her way down the stairs.

Once Joel is under the spray, less warm now that Ellie’s used some of the hot water, he pressed his forehead against the tiles and remembered.

Flashes of Tess’ face, both smiling and not, crossed his mind. For some reason, the thing that stuck out to him the most is the smell of the shitty QZ shampoo they had to use. Tess’ hair always smelled like it because she had more hair to use it on. He focused on that for a minute and then Tess’ words rang in his ear.

“Save who you can save.”

A couple more tears ran down his cheeks as he shut his eyes and he nodded to himself. He shut off the water and dried himself as best he could. He wiped the steam away from the mirror and got a good look at himself for the first time in who knows how long. He felt tired. He felt old.

As he clasped the buttons of the green flannel he grabbed for himself, one thought permeated his head, over and over, almost like a mantra.

I can’t fail her. Not again.

[tightjeansjavi]

Burning in a Hopeless Dream

**ON HIATUS**

Summary: Joel Miller has been a mystery in your eyes since the first time you met one stormy fall morning. Your life after meeting Joel, and his partner Tess, will forever be changed. Do flowers blossom, where thorns once grew tall? Or are you forever burning in a hopeless dream of living a life at peace.

Pairing | Joel Miller x f!oc Gwen Brooks

Fic Warnings: age gap (Gwen is in her late 20’s early 30’s Joel is in his 50’s) canon typical violence, angst, trauma, PTSD, Joel is an asshole for the first few chapters, protective! Joel, unrequited love, guilt, resentment, arguments, pining, smut, PTSD, alcohol, drugs, graphic depictions of violence/wounds caused by violence, death, suicide (Bill and Frank) fighting for survival, mean! Joel, darkish! Joel, panic attacks, flashbacks, this is a post-outbreak fic. There are dark themes that may be triggering, please read with caution.

Joel Miller × Reader Playlist

Gwen & Joel Artwork

Gwen’s F/C

The Prologue -

Endings Create New Beginnings: BIAHD, the prologue part 1

Endings Create New Beginnings: part 2 (final part)

Part 1 | 16 chapters

Boston QZ part 1

Boston QZ part 2

Boston QZ part 3

Boston QZ part 4

Boston QZ part 5 - Long Long Time

Boston QZ part 6 - hoax

Boston QZ part 7 - illicit affairs

Boston QZ part 8 - Dust to Dust

Boston QZ part 9 - Rescue

Boston QZ part 10 - Safe & Sound

Boston QZ part 11 - NFWMB

Boston QZ part 12 - Hearts Don’t Break Around Here

Boston QZ part 13 - I can’t breathe

Boston QZ part 14 - Chest infect me waste my days

Boston QZ part 15 - They See Right Through Me

Part 16 - Four Hands Bloodied

Gwen’s letter to Joel : The Skeletons I Wanted to Bury

Part 2: In the Warmth of Your Love

part 1 - can’t quit you, baby

Part 3: Drowning in an Endless Sea

Part 4: In the Strength of Your Arms

Part 5: Dog Days Are Over

[endo-bunny]

GOOD NEWS! I'm getting along with chapter 2 of HLITD! I'm just over 1,000 words which I know isn't a whole lot but I've been really depressed and not in a good mind set as of late which has affected my motivation to write. But it's getting there! I really hope that y'all like the chapter!

Tag list:

@fakegingerrights

@macchiato-dreaming22

@dragonflyreader

@somehopeatlast

@whoviannorah

@sullyselena

@melonmochi

@6unoriginal9

Sorry if you're not on here, it just means that I wasn't able to @ your account for some reason...

[mdawgswizzleinthehizzle]

this is such a far stretch and probably, most likely, has no real connection but…

ellie ultimately having styled her hair like tess had hers, down to the length and bangs, is cute

[avastrasposts]

The Pilot and his Girl - ch. 32**

We are slowly moving towards rock bottom with poor Frankie as he tries to get a handle on his addiction and his own demons.

I'm about to update the warnings for the next chapter. If there's something you're very sure you don't want to read about, please heed them. And if you don't want spoilers, please send me a DM and I'll tell you if you need to worry or not. I am moving towards something very dark and I know it might not be everyone's cup of tea and that's absolutely fine!

Series Master List

Chapter 33- Warnings have their own post - Word count: 10.9k

Another week passes, and you think maybe Frankie does better although his nightmares are still ever present, he gets moody sometimes and he’s always too tired, but slowly you think, maybe, you see an improvement. At least he stays away from Joel, you know that. He comes with you to the radio office in the morning or goes straight to someone who needs help fixing something, sometimes he goes scavenging for spare parts, or trades for them at the market, but never outside the QZ. When he’s done he comes by the radio, or you meet him and the guys at the bar. Often Tommy joins you, sometimes even Joel. Pope tells you he’s asked Joel if Frankie has tried trading for drugs again and Joel says he hasn’t seen Frankie at all.  

It’s been four weeks since Frankie came clean to you all, and the warm spring air seems light to you, even in the QZ. The ever entrepreneurial manager of the bar, Liz, has somehow managed to turn the grimy backyard into a ‘beer garden’ of sorts and now you’re all out there, sprawled in an assortment of patio furniture around a white plastic picnic table. 

Will keeps glancing at the door, Diana hasn’t turned up yet and even though she’s not late, you know Will is on edge until she gets here, just like you are before Frankie turns up. 

There’s been an increase in Firefly activity and FEDRA is on high alert, meaning random stops and checks in the street were now commonplace. The group you’d first only heard about through the scattering of graffiti throughout the QZ, had started making noise. Suddenly they’d recruited more people, were spreading their demands for a more just rule of the QZ, and almost every alley wall had their ‘slogan’ hastily spray painted across it; 'If you're lost in the dark, look for the light’. 

More than once you’d been approached by them, random women mostly, striking up conversations about FEDRA’s unjust methods and harsh control of the QZ. You knew the guys had also been approached, their reputation as men who knew how to handle themselves and any gun placed in their hands, made them prime targets for Firefly recruiters. So far all attempts had been shut down, getting involved in rebellions was something they’d done back in Delta Force and they were done with that. 

Will’s eyes flick to the door leading out to the backyard again as it swings open, but this time it’s Frankie. He’d gone inside for a round of drinks and he stumbles across the threshold, nearly spilling the tray of glasses he’s holding. 

“Jeez, Fish,” Benny laughs, “How many drinks did you have before I got here?” 

“Only one,” Frankie grumbles, carefully watching his steps as he crosses the yard and sets down the tray on the table. 

“The old man can’t take his alcohol anymore,” Tommy jokes, the two youngest men of the group chuckling together as Frankie rolls his eyes and hands you one of the glasses before sitting down next to you, his hand drifting to your thigh almost by its own accord. 

“You feeling ok?” you ask him in a low voice as Ben and Tommy continue celebrating being the youngest, and he nods, taking a sip of his drink before he gives you a quick smile. 

“Yeah, I’m good, just tired, didn’t sleep great last night again,” he answers and you put your hand on top of his, braiding your fingers between his. 

“It’ll get better, Frankie,” you soothe him, “you’re doing great.” 

Frankie looks at the whiskey swirling around his glass and gives you a weak smile before he takes another sip and looks over at Pope who’s asked Will something. You keep glancing at Frankie when he’s not looking. You know something isn’t right, but you can’t push it, not yet. He’s too tired, too sluggish even though he seems to be doing better. Pope had said it might just be the withdrawal symptoms, and it’s been only two weeks. But you feel blind, you can’t do anything but trust him, if he’s still using, you won’t know until it’s too late. So you scan his face, watch his moves, hoping and praying he’s being honest with you all and that he’s just fighting withdrawal symptoms. 

You lean back, taking a sip of your own drink, when from the street a loud explosion suddenly rocks through the air, making you all rush to your feet and turn towards the entrance to the bar. Shouts can be heard from inside and the sound of breaking glass. 

“Come on,” Pope says, “we need to get out of here!” He runs to the door, Frankie’s hold on your hand tightens and you follow him and next to you, you hear Will curse loudly. 

“Fuck! Diana is on her way here, I’ve got to find her!” He wrenches the door open, everyone inside is on their feet, facing the front door and someone is carefully looking outside. Just as Will crosses the room, heading for it, the door swings open and Diana runs inside, covered in dust, coughing. He’s on her in a split second, carefully cupping her cheeks. 

“Honey, please tell me you’re ok! What happened?” 

Diana coughs again and nods, “I’m ok, I think, the explosion was pretty far down the street, I just got pushed by the blast.”

Will is running his fingers over her head, scanning her body for any injuries, before he pulls her into a hug.

“Thank fucking god,” you hear him mumble. 

“We should get out of here,” Pope says, the bar is emptying now. The other patrons are filtering out through the door, looking down the street before hurrying off. When you’re all out on the street you can hear the rumble of FEDRA trucks approaching and the blaring of their alarms. 

“You guys should come over to our place, it's the closest, gonna be a bitch to get home now,” Frankie says. 

“I’m gonna head over to my girlfriend,” Tommy says, “she’s just a couple of streets over, gonna make sure she’s ok.” He waves a quick goodbye before he takes off, jogging down a side street. 

“C’mon,” Pope starts walking towards your building. You walk fast, getting out of the way of more and more FEDRA soldiers moving in, heavily armed and looking ready to take down anyone they don’t like. You feel relieved when you make it inside, everyone piling into your apartment, it’s bigger than Pope’s. Just as you’re about to step inside, one of your neighbors comes up the stairs. 

“Did you hear the explosion?” he asks and you nod. 

“Yeah, we were at the bar, do you know what happened?” 

“Those damn Fireflies, they blew up a truck! Blew a big hole in the street!” He shakes his head as he starts up the next flight of stairs, “FEDRA’s going to be worse than ever now, mark my words!”

You sink down on the couch in the crowded living room, Frankie sits on the arm rest next to you and you put your arm around his waist, leaning into his side. 

“Fucking Fireflies,” Pope grumbles, “I know they’re trying to make things better but what the fuck do they think blowing up trucks will do?”

“FEDRA will crack down even harder now,” Will says, handing Diana a damp washcloth and helping her clean the dust off her face and clothes. “Have they even been successful in other QZ’s?”

Through the radio, and overhearing people’s messages, you knew the Fireflies have spread over most of the US. From almost every QZ came reports of their activities, usually hiding dissent at how FEDRA ran the QZ’s, it was clear that FEDRA wasn’t doing a good job anywhere. 

“I haven’t heard anything of them having any major success,” you reply, “at most they manage to disrupt things, and from what little people say, FEDRA cracks down hard on everyone, not just the Fireflies.” 

“How does FEDRA respond?” Pope asks and you shake your head, grimacing. 

“Not well…extended curfews, harder punishments, even death penalties, harder controls of medicine and food, checkpoints across the QZ, a couple of places even have public executions, I heard they do hangings in Kansas City.” 

“Great,” Benny sighs, “It’ll be fucking Arlington all over again if they keep this up.” 

“You can’t blame them though,” Eve says, she’s sitting on Benny’s lap, “FEDRA are fucking fascists, the Fireflies want to over throw them and have democratic rule.” 

“Yeah, sure, FEDRA are a bunch of fascists, but when has bombing city streets ever helped?” Benny asks and Eve just shrugs. 

…

The next day FEDRA trucks drive through the QZ, blaring an announcement from loudspeakers in the truck beds. 

“The criminal gang known as The Fireflies is now classified as a terrorist organization. Any citizen found collaborating or participating will be tried and convicted.”

They drive through the QZ all day and before long you feel a headache throbbing behind your eyes as you sit at the radio. There’s less people stopping by today, most are too scared to go out unless they have to. 

“Joy came by with a message for her brother,” Sean says as you share lunch in the office. “She said a FEDRA officer told her they are going to execute anyone found to be a Firefly member.” 

“That’s terrible,” you say, “FEDRA’s trials are a joke already, now they’re going to execute people based on those?” You shake your head and scrape the last of the thin stew up with your arepa.

“They’ve put up checkpoints everywhere,” Sean sighs, “It feels like this is only the beginning.” 

“Not only checkpoints, I was stopped three times in the street by soldiers on my way over here this morning, everyone is a potential terrorist in their eyes now.” . 

Your lunch is suddenly disturbed by a door slamming open down the hall and shouts from the few people waiting for your lunch break to be over. Heavy boots come stomping down the hallway and you throw a worried glance at Sean. The door of the office is only half closed but now it’s thrown wide open, slamming against the shelf behind it with a loud crash. Two FEDRA soldiers step inside, their rifles pointed at the floor thankfully, followed by an office and two more soldiers. 

“On your feet!” the office barks, “Up against the wall!” You’d already flown to your feet when the door slammed open, now the soldiers advance on you both with their guns raised and you back up against the only window in the room. 

“Where are your records of incoming and outgoing messages?” the office asks, his voice rough as he pushes the papers on the radio desk around. 

“We-we don’t keep any records.” Sean stutters, “Sir,” he adds. 

“Why not? What are you hiding?” the officer, his name tag says Ambrose, barks, “All incoming and outgoing messages must be logged.”

“Only civilians use this radio, there is no rule saying we have to keep logs of their messages.” 

“New rule, from now on you have to keep a log of all messages,” the officer sneers, “Check those shelves for contraband, you two, check those boxes.” He directs the soldiers to the shelves and boxes that line the wall and they start rifling through the content. You know they only contain spare parts for the radio, nuts and bolts, a few wires, but the soldiers go through it like they’re expecting to find drugs and weapons, every piece is pulled out and left scattered on the floor. 

“Please, be careful with that, they’re spare parts for the radio,” Sean protests as one of the soldiers knocks over a box of equipment. 

“Shut up old man, or I’ll toss ‘em out the window,” Officer Ambrose snarls, “you’re lucky we’re letting you keep ‘em to start with.”

“They’re parts for this particular amateur radio model,” you interject, “they won’t work with the more powerful army issue radio FEDRA uses.” Frankie had taught you that when he helped Sean find some of the parts in an old AV shop a few blocks away. 

Ambrose looks at you and you see a glimmer of recognition in his eyes, “You’re Morales’s wife,” he says, “you and him hang around with the Millers and that other beaner, Garcia.” He looks you up and down, “No wonder you work there then, that’s how they get their information.” You feel your skin run cold, if he’s saying what you think he’s saying, then FEDRA knows about the smuggling. 

“She works here because she’s an excellent radio operator and she knows this machine better than even I do!” Sean protests, “I don’t know what you’re insinuating.” 

“Start keeping those records, old man,” he snarls, still looking at you, “Or we’ll come back and smash the radio and your office to pieces. And just a warning; I catch as much of a whiff of Firefly activity here, you’re both going to the scaffolds.” He barks orders at the soldiers and they step outside, marching behind Ambrose down the hallway. Sean and you are left surveying the mess they’ve left behind, the content of the shelves and boxes scattered across the floor. With a deep sigh you bend down and start putting things back, checking for damage as you go. 

It takes you the rest of the afternoon to tidy the office while Sean handles the people still waiting to receive and send messages. He writes down the messages people send, and the ones received, putting all the scraps of paper in a box. If FEDRA wants to read what people talk about, they’ll have to sort through it themselves. Although Sean does raise the suspicion that maybe FEDRA will try to listen in on what the radio receives or broadcasts, it means you’ll both have to be much more careful in the future. 

You head back home, feeling rattled by the day’s events, together with the checkpoints and being stopped in the street, FEDRA’s presence in the QZ is starting to feel oppressive. You remember how quickly it escalated in Arlington, praying it won’t come to that. 

Frankie hadn’t been past the radio office today, he’d been helping a friend of Sean’s clean out and repair an old open fireplace in exchange for new boots he desperately needed, his old ones falling apart. When you open the door to the apartment you see the new boots neatly placed inside the door and heavy snoring comes from the living room. You look around the corner and smile, Frankie’s on his back on the couch, one arm slung over his head, the other across his chest, mouth agape while he snores, loudly. He’s not usually a heavy snorer but he hasn’t been sleeping well, often waking up tired and groggy. You kneel down next to him and put your hand on his arm, he twitches but keeps snoring, his nose wiggling over his mustache, making you smile. He looks younger and softer than he has in years when he’s sleeping like this, relaxed without nightmares. He must’ve decided to take a nap on the couch after coming home so you leave him sleeping. You tiptoe past him and into the kitchen to start making dinner. 

The arepas are waiting to be fried when there’s a knock on the front door. You hear Frankie stir but he doesn’t wake up and you peek out before you open. Pope’s standing outside, a bag of groceries in his hand. 

“Hey,” he says as you let him in and take the bag from him. “I brought some of the groceries I got with my ration cards, your cooking is better than mine,” he grins as he toes off his unlaced boots. 

“Thanks,” you peer into the bag, spotting some stuff that was definitely not obtainable with ration cards, Pope, Will and Benny had made sure you had more than enough even though Frankie wasn’t smuggling and always seemed to make excuses to fill your pantry. “I’ll cook for you every day if you bring things like this,” you say and pull out a side of pork, something you hadn’t seen in a long time. 

“Frankie’s living the good life I see,” Pope chuckles, spotting him, still stretched out on the couch, snoring lightly now. 

“He’s not sleeping great at night, he must’ve been really tired,” you look over at him and smile, he mumbles and turns on to his side, back to the room. “I should probably wake him up now though, or he won’t sleep tonight.” 

“You get him up then, I’ll put this stuff away,” Pope takes the bag from you and goes to the kitchen while you go over to the couch and kneel down, wrapping your arm around Frankie’s waist and leaning your chin on his shoulder. 

“Hey, Frankie boy, time to wake up,” you whisper, running your hand up and down his side and he mumbles incoherently, still firmly asleep. “Frankie, baby, wake up, or Santi’s gonna eat all your dinner,” you tease, shaking him lightly. He must be really tired, usually he wakes up the second you touch him, now he only mutters and rolls over onto his back, throwing his arm over his eyes. 

From the kitchen Santi starts rattling plates around; “C’mon, pendejo, despiértate! I’m fucking starving!” he yells and Frankie finally stirs enough to peel his eyes open. 

“Cállate…” he mumbles while he blinks the sleep from his eyes. 

“Hey baby, wake up,” you smile, pressing your lips to his scruffy jaw, “you’ve been sleeping for hours I think.” All you get in response is a grumble and you take his hand, pulling him up to sitting. He rubs his hands over his face and blinks a few times again, his eyes are red and he looks pretty out of it still. 

“Are you feeling ok, Frankie? You look pretty terrible.” 

“Thanks,” he mumbles, giving you a weak smile before he yawns, “I slept like shit last night and I was fucking tired all day but I had to help with that fireplace, got ash fucking everywhere.” 

“Your eyes are really red, did you rinse them?” you ask and he nods. 

“Yeah, but I only had water, I hope it was clean enough.” 

“C’mon, dinner’s served,” Pope calls from the kitchen and you give Frankie a hand up. 

“The other’s aren’t here yet,” you say, “Will and Benny are coming over with Diana and Eve.” 

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,” Pope replies, “Will asked me to tell you that FEDRA is putting a new curfew in place, 6 am to 6 pm. It won’t come into effect until tomorrow but they didn’t wanna risk being outside with FEDRA soldiers looking to jump the gun any chance they get.” 

“But that means we won’t be able to have dinner together at all!” You sink down in your chair with a grumble, “Fuck FEDRA.” 

You start serving the stew, Frankie’s got his head in his hands on the table, giving you a tired smile when you place the bowl in front of him. 

“Thanks.” 

“Speaking of FEDRA assholes, an officer came by the radio today with a bunch of soldiers and turned the place upside down, luckily they didn’t break the radio,” you say, serving yourself. You see Frankie’s eyebrows furrow. 

“What did they want?” he asks. 

“Anything, I think,” you reply. “First they asked about logs for in- and outgoing messages, which we don’t keep of course. So they told us we have to from now on and I think they want to see if there’s any mention of the Fireflies from other QZ’s.” 

“And they think you’ll write that down in a log book?” Santi says, shaking his head, “they’re more stupid than I thought…” 

“I always just assumed they were listening in on the radio. That can’t be hard, it’s just regular amateur radio.” 

“You give FEDRA way too much credit, cariño,” Frankie says while dipping his arepa in the stew, “they don’t know shit unless they have someone who actually was a radio operator before the outbreak. And I doubt it.”

“There was something else, more worrying,” you say, “the officer, Ambrose, recognized me as your wife. He made it sound like he knew about the smuggling. When he saw that I worked the radio he said ‘so that’s how they get their information.’ “

“We haven’t used Sean’s radio for setting up trades for years,” Santi frowns, “he couldn’t know about the smuggling through that, he’s hasn’t been in the QZ long enough.” 

“So that means he knows about it some other way, but he doesn’t know how you get the information,” Frankie replies, “but how does he know?” 

“Yeah, that’s worrying,” Santi says, tapping his fingers on the table as he furrows his brows, “I’ll have to talk to Will and Benny, see if we’re missing something. Or someone.”  

The three of you fall silent while you finish dinner, it’s not until you’ve all sunk down onto the couch that Santi speaks again. 

“I’m thinking we should probably be more careful with our runs, go less often, even if FEDRA aren’t getting nosy,” he says, opening the bottle of whiskey he’d brought. “Runs are getting more and more risky, not just getting out without FEDRA noticing, but also getting through the area around the QZ.” 

“More infected?” Frankie asks and Santi nods. 

“Yeah, people who are trying to get to the QZ are getting infected before they get here. And if they can’t, or don’t want to, kill themselves, they just add to the ones already there.” 

“Please Santi, please be careful,” you plead with him, “it was always dangerous, if it’s even more now then maybe it’s best to stop.” 

“Don’t worry, we have some ideas,” he says, smiling at you. “We’ve got a contact with FEDRA who’s willing to make sure certain supply trucks don’t get checked too thoroughly. I need to make sure he’s reliable and then we can start bringing in goods that way.” 

“What’s Joel and Tommy doing?” Frankie asks. 

“Still looking for someone to partner up with, don’t think they’ve found anyone yet though.” Santi replies, “And as far as I know, they’re still going outside pretty regularly.” 

“I guess they have to if they want to meet up with the guy from Concord,” you say, “he’s the one supplying the oxy right?”

“Unless they found someone else, yeah, it’ll be the same guy.” 

Santi stays until he sees Frankie yawn and your eyes starting to droop closed, the day catching up with you both.. 

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow, get some sleep, both of you,” he winks, “no pre-bed activities, you both look like shit.” 

“Thanks Santi, always the charmer,” you mock scowl at him as Frankie yawns again, wide enough to make his jaw pop. 

“Night, hermano, see you tomorrow,” he mumbles, getting to his feet. After Santi’s left he locks up and follows you into the bathroom. 

“I need a shower,” he mutters, his eyes half closed, “should’ve showered when I got home but I was too tired.” 

“I need a shower too,” you say as Frankie begins to peel off his clothes and he gives you a tired smile.

“Please shower with me, hermosa,” he says, holding out his hand as he kicks off his jeans, “No funny business, I promise.” 

“What if I want some funny business?” you smirk at him as you unbutton your own jeans but poor Frankie just shakes his head. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so tired, cariño, without the pills the nightmares are kicking my ass,” he says, turning on the water and letting it run warm, “I’m not being a very good husband.” 

“Don’t be silly, Frankie, you’re the best husband I’ve ever had,” you smile, dropping your shirt in the hamper and stepping in after Frankie, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind. The warm water runs over you both and you sigh as it soaks over your tired muscles. Frankie just hums in response, hanging his head and letting the water run over him, until his brain catches up. 

“I’m the only husband you’ve ever had,” he says with a snort, turning in your arms and putting his own around you. “You have nothing to compare with,” he smiles down at you as you blink up at him through the water. 

“Am I the best wife you’ve ever had?” you ask with a coy voice that makes Frankie chuckle. 

“Hmm…let me think about it,” he says, stroking his beard while you playfully poke his ribs and he smiles again, “Best wife I’ve ever had, best human I’ve ever known, you’re perfect in every possible way,” he says, bending down and running the tip of his nose along yours, gently nudging your cheek before his lips find yours. You moan into his mouth as he makes you open up for him, his tongue slipping along yours, tasting you and pulling you closer, deepening the kiss until you’re breathless. 

“I thought you said no funny business,” you mumble against his lips when you finally break apart. 

“I’m just kissing my wife,” he mumbles back, the heavy weight of his cock making itself known between you. 

“Does your dick know that?” you ask, sliding your hand between the two of you and closing your fingers around the thick length, even with the warm water from the shower, it feels hot in your hand. Frankie groans and you feel his hips jolt, thrusting into your hand as you start stroking him. 

“Let me take care of you, Frankie,” you mumbled, reaching up and pressing your lips against his neck, your tongue slipping over his wet skin. You can feel the rumble of his throat under it as his cock twitches in your hand. “I want to taste you, feel that heavy weight of your cock in my mouth as you come.” You pull back and look up at him, his eyes already closed, his head tilted back, “Say it, Frankie, tell me what you want me to do.” 

“Cariño,” he moans, “please, I want your mouth, suck my cock.” His hips jolt again, he’s holding back from fucking into your tight fist but you can feel him grow increasingly hard under your light grip. You give him a final kiss on his throat before you make him back up against the shower wall, he drops his head back with a dull thud. The harsh bathroom light is on and you take your time as you drop to your knees, admiring his thick and long cock, the shower has made it wet and slick, the head swollen and weeping. Looking up at him, blinking through the shower water, you see that he’s still got his eyes closed, but his breaths are rapid and strained. Still watching him you stick out your tongue and run the tip lightly over the slit. The effect is instant, a strained groan rumbles from him and it makes you smile, you love the sounds you can pull from him when he lets himself focus only on what you do to him, without him trying to make you feel good at the same time. 

The water makes your hand slide easily up and down his shaft while you take the head into your mouth, tasting the salty drops leaking from him as you make sure your tongue licks over every part of, tracing the ridge and veins, circling the head with warm lips. He bucks into you, his heavy groans louder as your hand closes more tightly around what’s not in your mouth, he’s already close, you can feel him swell and twitch in your mouth. Pulling back a little you glance up at him and see him looking down at you, open mouth and glassy eyes. Like always when he concentrates his tongue rests on his bottom lip, the pink tip peeking out. He’s breathing heavily and his hips start to thrust lightly almost of their own accord. Still looking at him you let him slip out of your mouth and lick a wide stripe from the bottom of his cock, all the way up along the underside, your hand gliding  down and gently cupping his balls as your mouth envelops him again, adding pressure, sucking him in between your tight lips. 

“Fuck, bebita, please…” he moans, almost a pained expression on his face, “don’t stop, I need your mouth,” he’s kept his hands by his sides, fist clenched, but now he cups your cheeks, caressing your skin as you take more of him, deeper into your mouth, his blunt head nudging against the back of your throat. His moaning is downright filthy, a panted whine as he squeezes his eyes shut. You increase the pressure, tightening your mouth’s firm grip around his slick cock, letting it slide in and out of your mouth as Frankie’s breathing grows erratic. 

“Don’t stop,” he groans, “so close, fuck, your mouth, hermosa…”

You breathe in and take him as deep as you can, your nose nudging the wet curls at the base of his cock, you can feel him spasming as you swallow around him, heavy on your tongue. Your mouth tightens around him, sucking firmly along the whole shaft and with a sudden, loud groan he comes, his hips bucking his cock into your throat, making you gag as you breathe through your nose. Hot liquid fills your mouth, dripping out on the sides as you suck him through his climax. He’s moaning above you, incoherent strings of Spanish, filth pouring out until his cock begins to soften in your mouth. You let him slip out, gently wrapping your hand around it and cleaning him off. 

“I might pass out,” he mutters, breathing heavily as he tilts his head back, trying to compose himself, “Fuck me, I needed that, cariño.” He opens his eyes as you stand up, placing a soft kiss on his little belly before he can kiss your lips. 

“Best wife I’ve ever had,” he mumbles and you giggle against his mouth.

“I know,” you smirk, “thought I’d remind you.” 

“Thank you for the reminder,” he smiles back. 

…

The next day things in the QZ get worse. As you walk to the radio with Frankie you can hear the new announcement from FEDRA; Going outside the QZ without a permit is now punishable by death. Entering the QZ without a permit is now punishable by death. Bringing in illegal contraband is now punishable by death. Collaborating with the Fireflies is now punishable by death. A special military court will be set up to deal with all violations of these rules

There are soldiers everywhere, check points every few blocks and everyone is on edge. Frankie holds on tightly to your hand, both of you keeping your heads down as you hurry through the streets. Life in the QZ was never easy, but now it feels like a police state, much worse than Arlington when it all blew up. Frankie looks worried when he leaves you but he’s got work in a different sector. 

“If I can even get there, so many fucking check points,” he grumbles, looking over his shoulder as another FEDRA truck rumbles past. 

“Be careful, come back if it gets too crazy,” you say, reaching up and giving him a kiss. 

“I’ll see you soon, cariño,” he gives you another quick kiss before leaving. 

He makes his way towards the eastern section, down towards the docks, passing through two check points on the way. It takes time but he’s only a little bit late when he knocks on the usual door. After a minute a window above him opens up and Tess looks down at him, her long auburn hair tied back. Lowering her gun she raises her hand in a wave.

“I’ll be right down.” 

“What happened to Georgie?” Frankie asks as Tess lets him in through the locked front door. 

“He got caught coming back,” she say with a scowl, “fucking idiot took a wrong turn in the tunnel and popped up right in front of a patrol.” 

“They’ve made that punishable by death now,” Frankie says as he follows her into the empty hotel she and Georgie use as a base, “they were announcing it all over the streets when I came over.” 

“Yeah, I heard. He was caught a couple of days ago and is still in lock up as far as I know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they hang him.” Tess sighs as she unlocks a door to her makeshift office, a small room tucked away at the end of the building behind signs reading ‘Entry prohibited - Bio-hazard’. 

“I hope he makes it, he’s not exactly a good friend but I can trust him and he scares the shit out of people.” She holds the door open for Frankie and he steps into the familiar little space.

“I need a favor from you,” she says as she closes the door behind them, “You know Joel Miller.” It’s a statement not a question and Frankie nods, his hand closed around the stack of ration cards he has in his pocket. 

“Since Georgie’s most likely gone, I’m going to need a new partner. Georgie had the connections for bringing in most of what I trade. Some connections I can take over, but most he handled on his own. Can you set up a meeting with him? I know he and his brother have been looking to partner with someone,” Tess opens a small safe, making sure to not show Frankie the combination, and pulls out two small baggies. “You still want oxy and ambien?” 

Frankie nods, “Joel really doesn’t trust anyone, you sure you wanna work with him?” He gives Tess his ration cards and she hands him the baggies before she counts the cards. 

“From what I hear, he might not trust people, but he won’t sell me out to FEDRA,” she replies, sticking the cards in her back pocket. 

“No, he wouldn’t do that, and as long as you know his loyalty is only to himself and Tommy, and you can handle that, he’s good to work with, knows his shit.” 

“How come you don’t work with him anymore?” Tess asks, ushering him out of the door again. 

“My wife doesn’t want me smuggling anymore, I’m all she’s got,” he says, a twinge of guilt eating at him as they walk back through the hotel, “she’s all I’ve got,” he adds. 

If Tess notices his uncomfort, she doesn’t mention it, “Must be nice having someone like that, something like that,” she says, “How long have you been with her?” 

“Since before the outbreak,” Frankie replies, “we’d been dating for a year when it happened.”

“You’re lucky, both of you,” Tess opens the front door again, leaning against the frame after Frankie’s passed through it. “Both of you still alive, together, must be nice,” she says again and there’s something she’s not saying, Frankie recognizes the undertone of grief in her voice, and he nods. 

“Yeah, we’ve been lucky, but we’ve lost people too,” he’s got his hands in his pocket, his fingers closing around the pills in the bags. “If I can introduce you to Joel, what’s in it for me?” he asks and Tess raises her eyebrows. She’s surprised it took him so long to ask. 

“Discounts,” she smirks, motioning with her hand to his pocket. 

Frankie nods and starts leaving, “I’ll talk to Joel, see if he wants to meet with you.” 

“Thanks Frankie,” Tess gives him a wave as he walks away. 

…

It doesn’t take Frankie long to get hold of Joel and tell him about Tess but the situation in the QZ deteriorates and plans are put on hold. The Fireflies attack the checkpoint into the sector where you live the day after he meets with Tess and for a few days it’s impossible to leave. You can’t get to the radio or to Will and Benny’s places, there are soldiers everywhere and all there is to do is to stay inside and lay low. You’re both starting to get worried about the situation in the QZ. 

“I don’t know where we’d go, but I think we should make an emergency exit plan,” Frankie says one day. “A plan to quickly get out of here if things go bad.”

You nod, looking down at the street through the window. There’s another patrol going down the street, heavily armed. There’s no curfew during the days, you were free to go outside. But as you watch the patrol stop two women walking down the street, searching their clothes and bags, it’s clear FEDRA isn’t letting anyone walk the street in peace right now. 

Frankie comes up behind you, leaning his head on your shoulder as he puts his arms around your waist. 

“I’ll talk to the guys, see what we can do. We hid a working car just outside the wall, that’ll get us away from Boston at least.” 

“All seven of us?” you ask, looking back at him. He sighs and shakes his head. 

“No, all seven of us won’t fit, but we’ll figure something out.” 

“Maybe we should just try to find some abandoned farm somewhere remote, live away from everyone else,” you say, leaning back so that you can feel his solid chest behind your back, “just risk it out there rather than in here with FEDRA, it just keeps getting worse and more and more oppressive.” 

“Maybe the Fireflies will be successful,” Frankie mumbles, watching the patrol disappear around a corner, “turn things around.” 

“You really think so?” you ask, he can hear the doubt in your voice. 

“No, not really,” he sighs, “but I like your farm idea, fuck everyone else, just you and me.” 

“It’s always just you and me, Frankie, even here. The others are like family but not like you, not the way you’re my family.” 

He buries his face in the crook of your neck as he tightens his grip on you, you can feel his warm breath on your skin. He doesn’t say anything so you just stand there while he breathes in your scent, memorizing it, as if he wouldn’t recognize it anywhere already. 

…

The morning the checkpoint reopens he leaves before you’re out of bed, gently dropping a kiss on your cheek while he rouses you, sitting on the bed. 

“I need to see Miguel about some spare parts, the clinic needs to fix some medical equipment,” he mumbles, his lips close to your skin while you wrap your arms around his neck to pull him closer. He chuckles and untangles himself, “I’ve got to go, cariño, I’ll see you this afternoon, I’ll come pick you up at the radio.” 

He makes his way through the checkpoint and over to Joel’s place. Tommy’s already there and Frankie leads them to the meeting spot he’d agreed on with Tess before the check point was bombed, hoping she’ll come back at the same time. Appointments were often postponed or interrupted in the QZ so there was a habit of just turning up at the same place, same time a couple days in a row and hoping for the best if you didn’t hear from the other person.

Tess is there, waiting, when the two Miller brothers and Frankie scramble up to the second floor of a partially bombed building. Joel grumbles about having to ‘drag and climb a fuckin’ dumpster’  but stands up straight and gives Tess a once over when she pushes herself off the dilapidated office desk she was leaning against. 

“This is Tess Servopoulos,” Frankie says, “Joel and Tommy Miller,” he points at each man. 

“Nice to meet you, Tess,” Tommy says, holding out his hand to her and she takes it with a smile. 

“Same, your reputation precedes you,” she replies, holding out her hand to Joel too, who accepts it and gives her hand a firm shake. 

“Only a good reputation, I hope,” Tommy chuckles, easing the tension in the meeting, although Joel still stands rigid, putting his hands into his jeans pockets after shaking her hand. 

“Frankie says you’re reliable and know your shit,” Tess says, eyeing Joel's silent form like she’s trying to gauge him. She knows he’s the one she has to convince and he’s doing his best to look as standoffish as possible. 

“We’ve been smuggling pretty much since the outbreak,” Tommy replies, “been in Boston for about five years now.”  

Tess nods, “I’ve been working with Georgie for about six years, here and there, but he got caught by FEDRA last week.” 

“Yeah, Frankie told us, bad luck,” Tommy nods but Joel scoffs. 

“Bad luck…he got sloppy, if that’s the kind of operation you run, we’re not interested, darlin’,” he says and Tess narrows her eyes at him, opening her mouth but closes it again, biting back whatever retort was on her mind. 

She turns to Tommy instead, “I know you used to work with a few other guys, why are you looking for a new partner?” 

“Our cousins have a thing about not smuggling drugs,” Joel replies, cutting Tommy off, “that a problem for you?” 

“Smuggling ‘em? Not at all,” Tess says, glancing at Frankie and he does his best to not look at Joel. When Joel asked how Frankie knew Tess he said he’d traded with her for spare parts for the radio. It was true, he had traded with her for parts, but only once. 

Joel looks at Frankie, connecting the dots, as Tommy gives Tess a rough outline of how they usually operate, what they can get their hands on. 

“You ok with that, Frankie?” Joel asks him, “Tess trading drugs? You got a handle on it?”

“Yeah, it’s not a problem,” Frankie looks up at Joel and wills himself to keep his eyes steady on the older man, “it’s fine.” 

Joel gives him a slow nod, “Ok, as long as you’re fine with it.” 

But Tess frowns and looks at Joel, “What do you mean?” she asks, eyeing him, “Why would Frankie have any problems with me trading drugs? He buys them from me.” 

Tommy raises his eyebrows at this piece of information and looks at Frankie who tries to square his shoulders and look like he’s in control. 

“They’re worried I’ll get addicted,” he says, “I got pretty bad PTSD after I left the army and when shit gets too dark here, it comes back,” he shrugs, feigning a casual attitude he doesn’t feel, “but I just need the shit to sleep, the nightmares never really went away and the pills help with that, that’s all.” 

He knows he’s not telling the whole truth and Joel certainly knows that, but Frankie meets his eyes and refuses to look away, willing the man to understand that he’s got it under control.  

Tess gives him a hard stare as Frankie tugs on his ball cap and crosses his arms. “Ok, as long as you’ve got a handle on it, I don’t have any issues, I’m not your moral compass, we all do what we need to do to get by. And from what I hear, you guys sell drugs too?,” she looks over at Joel who nods. 

“Yeah, but I stopped selling to Frankie a while back, and we stopped working together, what we did triggered his PTSD.”

“I’ve got it under control now,” Frankie says, he can feel the familiar panic creeping through his nerves. If Joel tells Tess to cut him off he has nowhere else to go. “Since I stopped with the smuggling I’m fine, it’s just the nightmares that give me insomnia, I just need the drugs to help me sleep on nights when it gets bad. But it’s less now, hardly ever.” He’s lying through his teeth, trying to keep his voice steady and his poker face on, but he’s not sure he manages.

“I don’t give a fuck, Frankie,” Joel says, “I’m not selling to you, mainly out of respect for your wife and Will and Benny. But like she said, I ain’t your moral compass.” He turns to Tess again, “Either way, that doesn’t affect our potential partnership. Since Frankie trusts you, maybe this can work, but I need to talk to my brother in private first. We’ll let you know in a couple of days.”

Tess nods and shakes both Joel and Tommy’s hands before the two men leave. Frankie and Tess follow after them, jumping down onto the dumpster. 

“Your wife’s not gonna come after me for supplying drugs to you, is she?” Tess asks as they reach the ground. 

“No,” he shakes his head, starting to walk away. 

“She doesn’t know, does she?” Tess has crossed her arms over her chest and is giving him another hard stare. 

“She does, she knows I take them to sleep,” Frankie tugs on his cap again, he knows it’s a nervous gesture and Tess just shakes her head. 

“You’re a shit liar, Frankie,” she says as she gives him another hard look, “Just keep it under control, ok?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine, it’s under control:” He raises his hand and gives her a wave, “I’ll see you around, I’ve got to get going.” 

“Yeah, I’ll see you around, Frankie.” 

…

Despite Joel’s mistrusting nature, he agrees to start working with Tess, on a trial basis. Frankie finds out a few days later when he asks Tess for an actual spare part for the clinic. 

“Joel’s a piece of work, but I prefer that to someone who throws his trust at anyone, that’ll get you killed,” she says, taking the ration cards the clinic had given him in exchange for a pristine looking piece of equipment. Frankie doesn’t know what it does exactly but he knows the one in the machine is broken and he’ll fix it somehow. 

“Joel knows his shit,” Frankie says, tucking the equipment into his backpack, walking back through the hotel with Tess. “Thanks for the part, Diana will be happy, the machine is important to them.”

“Sure, let me know if you need anything else.” She gives him a wave as he leaves. 

When he meets up with the rest of the guys later at the bar he tells them about Joel’s new partner. 

“I’m surprised Joel’s prepared to work with someone else,” Benny leans back on the couch and kicks out his long legs, “Tommy says he’s turned down both Miguel and that guy Robert.” 

“It’s a smart move,” Will replies, “FEDRA is all over the place, he’s gonna need an extra pair of eyes for any bigger trades. We’re gonna need to be real careful too, it’s no longer just a few nights in FEDRA lock up. They’re actually going through with fucking executions.”

“As if dealing with raiders and infected wasn’t bad enough, now FEDRA wants to kill us too?” Benny huffs, “Half the stuff we bring in goes to soldiers, for fucks sake…” 

Pope nods and takes a sip of the bar’s homemade whiskey, grimacing at the taste, “They were setting up for a hanging when I came over, three guys caught in condemned buildings. If FEDRA’s  already suspecting us like your girl said, Frankie, then we should probably lay low for a few weeks. We’ve got the supplies we need for now.” 

“What about the trade we have planned, we’ve got stuff coming in from Worcester, that deal Will and I set up? We’re gonna need to receive it and get it stashed as soon as it comes in.” Benny looks over at the others. 

For years their best contact had been a FEDRA soldier in the QZ, and through him Benny and Will had made a connection with a FEDRA officer in the Worcester QZ, the man’s brother in law. It had taken months but a convoy of FEDRA trucks were due to come over from Worcester, together with the officer and a number of much needed supplies hidden among the official FEDRA shipments. Thanks to Boston being a much bigger QZ the guys had been able to offer him a large stack of ration cards in exchange for a number of in demand items. 

Pope nods at Benny, “Yeah, we have to handle that one, we won't be able to postpone it.” He glances over at Frankie, “I hate to ask, hermano…” he says, “but we could really use your help, just as a look out, for that trade now. You think you’re ok to do it? I hate to say it, but you still look like shit.” 

Frankie shrugs, “I still don’t sleep great, the nightmares are a bitch, but yeah of course, if you need me, I can do it.” 

“Are you sure, Frankie?” Will asks, “I don’t want you doing this if you don’t feel ok, we’re not risking your recovery for this. The three of us will just do it as usual.” 

“If you need me, man, I can do it. And it’s just as a lookout right? That’s just keeping an eye on things, making sure no FEDRA patrols are around?” 

“Yeah, we’ve set up a lookout point near the location and we got some radios. All you’d need to do is sit there and radio me if anything happens.” Pope says, glancing over at Will who nods. 

“Talk to your wife first though, we don’t want to cause any family drama here, make sure she’s onboard with it and thinks you're ok to do it.” 

“Yeah, I’ll talk to her tonight, I’ll let you guys know tomorrow,” Frankie says, putting down his glass and getting ready to leave. “I’m picking her up from the radio office in a little bit. What day is this happening?”

“Thursday,” Pope says, “I’ll come by tomorrow and we’ll talk it through.” 

“Ok, yeah, I’ll talk to her, but I feel good, I can do that, I wanna help you guys anyway I can,”

“Appreciate it, man,” Benny says, Frankie drops his hand on the younger man’s shoulder as he’s leaving and Benny gives it a quick squeeze, looking up at Frankie. “It’s good to know you’re doing better, Fish.”  

Frankie gives him a crooked smile and a wave to the other two and heads out the door of the bar. 

…

Frankie’s waiting outside the radio when you step outside, Sean’s taken over the radio for the evening and you’re stretching out your back after a long shift hunched over the dials and notebooks. You see him before he sees you, leaning against a barrier on the other side of the street, watching a group of children playing on a makeshift playground in a small park. They’ve all got the rough looking hand me downs the orphan children of the local FEDRA school wears and there’s two elderly ladies in FEDRA uniforms keeping an eye on them. 

Frankie looks tired, dark circles under his eyes and his ordinarily tan skin is ashen and gray. His curls are still brown but his scruffy beard is mostly silver now, as you watch his hand comes up and absentmindedly rubs across his jaw, scratching at the short hairs. You’d spent some time last night giving his beard and hair a trim, giggling as he wriggled his nose when the hairs tickled him. Sometimes he was back to his normal self, relaxed and soft around you, sleeping better without nightmares, even cracking jokes and messing with Benny when you met up with the others. But you could see that he was struggling still, the good nights were far apart and most mornings he moved like a sleepwalker, taking time to come back to life. In the evenings he stumbled to bed and was fast asleep as soon as he’d curled himself around you, sometimes the nightmares would plague him but he couldn’t wake up, you’d shake him and he’d be trapped in his nightmare. When you finally managed to rouse him he’d be disoriented and panicky until he fell asleep again, almost instantly. 

Now you walk across the street as he watches the kids take turns on the makeshift tire swing. You know which one of the children he’s looking at; a young girl, about five, with the same dark curls as Lucía. She’s hanging on to the swing, shrieking with laughter as another girl spins the tire around, her hair whirling around her head as she throws it back and giggles. 

“Hey Frankie,” you say as you come up to him, he turns around as you sneak your arms around his waist, pulling him out of his silent reverie. 

“Hey cariño,” he says, giving you a kiss before turning back to the park. The girl had gotten off the swing and was running towards the slide. “She reminds me of Lucía,” he mumbles, glancing over at you, “makes me wonder what she’d look like now.” You give his waist an extra squeeze as you watch the girl shoot down the slide and run around to climb back up to the top. 

“She’d be fifteen now, too old for playgrounds,” he gives a small smile, “although, I don’t think she’d ever get too old for swings, she loved them.” 

The little girl has climbed to the top of the slide for a third time and is standing up, waving at someone. 

“Come here! Ellie, come on the slide with me!” she calls, waving her arm and a younger girl hurries across from the swings and climbs the stairs, her short legs struggling with the big steps. The older girl instructs the younger to sit down in front, and together they slide down, their high pitched giggles carrying in the clear spring air. It makes your heart clench, the sound and the image so normal, reminding you of the times you’d been at the playground with Frankie and Lucía. 

“C’mon, we should get moving,” Frankie says, pulling his eyes away from the dark haired girl as he takes your hand. His mood is subdued on the way back to the apartment. You tell him about your day and he hooks his arm around your shoulder, listening as you walk through the crowds. But he remains silent, lost in his own thoughts when you stop talking. When you get back home he toes off his shoes and goes to stand in the doorway to the kitchen, leaning on the frame with his arms crossed as you fill a pot of water.  

“Joel and Tommy are gonna partner up with a woman called Tess,” he says after a while, breaking the silence. “Tess has been helping me get spare parts for the clinic and she asked if I’d introduce her to them.” 

You look over at him, you can hear from the tone of his voice that he’s not done. And he confirms it as he drops his gaze, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. 

“Pope and the guys asked if I could help them out on a trade, as a lookout, but they wanted me to talk to you first, make sure you’re ok with it.” 

“Tell me about it,” you say, turning to lean on the counter as he comes over and stands next to you. 

“They’ve got a connection with this guy in Worcester, he��s bringing in supplies on a FEDRA truck, as part of a bigger convoy. They need me to be the lookout when they meet the men inside the QZ. I won’t go outside and I won’t be near the actual trade, just be the lookout.” 

“Do you feel ok about it?” you ask and Frankie nods. 

“Yeah, I wanna help them with this,” he says, turning a bit so that he can look at you. “FEDRA is patrolling more and they need me to warn them if there’s a patrol approaching.” 

“Your nightmares are still really bad though, and sometimes I can’t even wake you up from them, Frankie. If something happens, is it gonna trigger you even more?” 

“If something happens and I’m not there to keep watch, that’s gonna be even worse,” Frankie shakes his head, “They need my help with this. Once they’re done with this they’re gonna lie low, FEDRA’s hanging people over the smallest charge now,  but this trade is too big and they can’t postpone it.” 

“And you’ll only be lookout, away from the actual trade?” you question and Frankie nods again. 

“They have a lookout point nearby, I’ll have a radio and just contact Santi if something happens, that’s it.” 

You lean against the counter while Frankie looks at you, waiting for your answer, for your approval. It makes you realize that he hasn’t done that before, let you make the decision. He’s told you about the plans, listened to your opinion and adjusted the plans and made changes so that you would be more comfortable about letting him go. This time, when what he’s been asked to do really doesn’t seem all that dangerous by comparison, he’s leaving the whole decision up to you. 

“Ok, if you think you’re ready for it, I trust you Frankie, you should help them.” 

“I do, I feel strong enough to do this, thank you cariño,” he steps in front of you and grabs your thighs, hoisting you up onto the counter so that he's standing between your legs. It makes you smile, wrapping your arms around his neck as his hands find your hips, kneading the soft flesh under his fingers. 

“When is it?”

“Thursday…was your skin always this soft here?” he’s running his nose down your neck, pulling back the scruff of your hoodie and burying it just above your clavicle. 

“You’re distracting me, Frankie, I had more questions,” you laugh, his tongue comes out and licks a warm strip across the ridge of the bone. 

“I know, that’s the point,” he mumbles against your skin. 

“Much as I love this horny version of you, you should try and get as much sleep as possible until Thursday, I know how tired you are.” 

“Take me to bed then,” he chuckles, still buried against the crook of your neck, leaving a burning trail of nips and kisses up your throat. 

“We haven’t even had dinner,” you laugh as he tries to make you hook your legs around his waist so that he can pick you up, “Let me make dinner and then I’ll take you to bed for dessert.” 

“My favorite kind of dessert,” he smiles, pulling back from your neck to kiss your mouth, making you part your lips for his tongue. 

“Why don’t you take a nap on the couch while I make dinner, Frankie,” you say when he starts working his way back down along your jaw, “because at this rate, we’re never getting dinner,” you have to giggle when he starts pushing up your shirt, his warm hands palming over your back. 

“Too horny to take a nap now,” he chuckles, but he stands up and lets you slip off the counter. And when you start pulling out ingredients he gives your butt a final squeeze and does go to the couch. It doesn’t take long before you hear his soft snores, when you look over he’s face planted on the couch, one arm dangling off it, the other under his head as a pillow.

…

The trade is set up to take place after dark, and after curfew. Sunset in May in Boston is late so Frankie and the guys make their way to the meeting spot well before the curfew comes into effect and bunker down to wait for darkness. In an off limits building, an old office building near the QZ wall, Pope, Will and Benny have set up a secluded spot for the trade. Now the four of them are in the building across the small square, up on the fifth floor, inside a spacious apartment with a bird’s eye view of the neighborhood, the lookout point. 

The sun is slowly sinking below the horizon while they wait for the agreed upon hour. Benny’s brought an old battered pack of playing cards and they’re killing time by playing rounds of poker. Frankie curses when he loses yet another game, thankful they’re only playing for the silver cutlery Pope found in the apartment's kitchen. The utensils clink as Will drags them across the dining room table after winning his seventh game. 

“Fuck, Will, teach me your ways,” Frankie grumbles, he’s down to two spoons and one knife.

“Skill, Catfish,” Will chuckles, sorting his cutlery into neat piles, “And years of counting numbers.” 

“I just keep getting shit cards,” Benny mutters, tossing his losing hand onto the table with a snap of his wrist, making them scatter. “Your turn to deal, Pope.” 

Pope gathers the cards and quickly deals again, “I’m winning those spoons back, Will, just so you know.” 

“Whatever you say, man, you’re happy to try,” Will chuckles, straightening out the six large spoons he’s got neatly lined up along his eight knives and eight forks. “Just need to get Frankie’s two spoons and I’ve got a full set.” 

After two more rounds, Frankie kicks back his chair and throws his arms up in defeat, “I’m fucking bust.” 

“It’s alright, Fish, Diana and I will be thinking about you when we have dinner tomorrow,” Will smirks, sliding the spoons over to his side of the table. 

Pope looks at his watch and out at the dark night sky, “We should get going, scout the area again and position ourselves.” 

Benny gathers the cards and they all pack up. Frankie makes his way out to the large balcony wrapped around the corner of the building and scans the square and the surrounding streets. 

“All’s quiet out there,” he says in a hushed voice as he comes back in. Pope grabs his radio and turns it to the pre-agreed frequency and tests the connection. 

“I’ll radio you when we’re in position, make sure the connection is clear,” he says, clipping it onto his belt as Frankie does the same with his radio. “And don’t forget our contact is going to signal you when they cross the square.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s all under control,” he nods, waiting while the three men pick up the equipment they’d put by the front door when they came in. Even though it was a trade, old habits die hard, and they all had concealed handguns and backpacks with extra gear. Frankie secures his own gun at the back of his pants and triple checks the battery on the radio before picking up a battered pair of binoculars. 

“Alright, ready to go?” Will asks and the other two nods. “Radio us if there’s anything irregular, Catfish.”

“Stay safe, I’ll see you at the rendezvous soon.” 

Frankie locks up behind the guys as they leave the apartment and hunkers down on the balcony. He’s dragged out some of the less damaged couch pillows and propped them up along the railing and floor, making a nest where he’s hidden from sight. Through a small opening he can scan the streets below, laying flat on his belly with the binoculars in front of him. His nerves are making him jumpy, he’s not used to being without the sleeping pills this long, and it adds an extra layer of stress to the usual laser focus he has during a mission. Even though he’s ‘just’ the lookout he feels the familiar tingling in his spine as he scans the street. 

The radio crackles to life on his belt and Pope’s voice comes through; “Catfish, we’re in position. Do you copy, over?” 

“Loud and clear, Pope. I’m in position, over.”

“Maintain radio silence unless necessary, over.” 

“Wilco, out.” 

He clips the radio back on to his belt and settles down. There’s still about thirty minutes left before the other party is due to turn up, but both Will and Pope like having plenty of margins to work with. He glances at his watch and calculates in his head how long it would take for one of the oxy tablets to kick in. He needs something to sooth his nerves, it’s like he can feel every seam and stitch on every piece of clothing he’s wearing, scratching and grating against his overheated skin. Even his hair is itching where it curls over his ears and he swipes off his cap and pushes it back. Just one oxy, to take the edge off, let him focus while he waits. 

He swallows it dry, almost regretting it as the bitter flavor coats the inside of his mouth. But soon he feels the effect, his body goes loose, the scratching stops. He watches two men hurry across the square, stopping to give a one handed wave three times up towards Frankie’s balcony. The trade is underway, he leans back against the wall. 

It’s so quiet up here. The QZ is always so noisy, so many people in such a small space, up here he can’t hear anything, it’s so peaceful. 

All the people are gone. It’s only him. Up here. 

And these pillows are so soft, they feel like clouds against his face. 

Only him high up in the sky with no noise.

Just soft pillows and soft clothes and darkness behind his eyelids.

Chapter 33

Taglist: @pimosworld @i-own-loki @casa-boiardi @littlenosoul @stormseyer @mxtokko @javicstories @nunya7394 @welcometothepedroverse @harriedandharassed @meveispunk @hiroikegawa @jwritesfanfics @vickie5446 @your-slutty-gf

[sunshineshobi18]

You Don't Look At Me (prologue)

words: 3.9k pairing: Joel x female!OC, Tess x female!OC, Tess x Joel cw: weapons, mention of death, strong language, injury, honestly it's all pretty mild, spoilers for ep 2? summary: During one of their runs Joel and Tess find a little thief snooping around their stuff, they didn't realise how completely their lives would change with the new addition to their "family"

note: I got some requests to do a part 2 to the other fic, but before I do that (which I am planning to do, but I'm not promising anything) I just wanted to write about how Lori met Joel and Tess and why Joel acts the way he does around her.

---

“Goddamnit, Tess.”

Tess turned around and chuckled, watching Joel crouched over with sweat beating down his face. His chest rose and fell rather rapidly as he tried to catch his breath. “As long as you don’t get bit, old man.”

“You’re proud of that one, huh?” Joel asked straightening back up. He couldn’t help but smile a little as he watched Tess turn away from him with a smile of her own on her face. She went back to scanning their surroundings, making sure they had gotten rid of all the infected that had spotted them. “I think we’re in the clear,” he added after a quick scan of his own—making sure he looked over all the places Tess wasn’t watching.

“Seems like it—”

“Hey!” Joel yelled, causing Tess to be alert. Just over Tess’ shoulder, Joel watched as someone was rummaging through their backpacks that were abandoned on the ground for a while as they fought the infected.  “Get away from our stuff!” he demanded before watching the small figure run into the building near them.

With just a shared look, Tess and Joel grabbed their stuff and ran into the house—no words exchanged. They both had their guns at the ready in case someone or something wanted to come for them.

The lingering sound of a door being closed echoed from the top floor down to the entrance Joel and Tess found themselves. Joel had just caught a glimpse of the thief’s shadow on the wall, directing him where to go. Slowly making his way up the stairs, he glanced over his shoulder telling Tess to stay as quiet as possible. With a nod from the woman, they continued towards the door that Joel thought the person entered. “I’ll go in first,” he mouthed. “Cover me.” Tess nodded, pointing her gun down the hallway to make sure no one was going to sneak up on them.

Joel tried to open the door softly, but with even the softest push, the door swung open. He held his gun up, barely scanning the room when he found his thief in the corner of the room.

She was just a little girl, eyes wide and fixated on his every move, yet her small hands still moved the food she had stolen from the duo towards her mouth. She quickly took a bite, not breaking eye contact with the tall man in front of her. She must be scared Joel thought, but he couldn’t help but realise she did a good job at hiding it.

“Hey,” Joel spoke in an exhale and steadily lowered his gun. “You hungry?” The girl only nodded with rigid motions and watched as Joel started moving towards her.

“Don’t!” His voice jumped in volume as he watched the girl reach out for a gun that laid on the floor just out of arm reach. With swift movements, Joel placed his foot on the weapon and kicked it back, behind him. The little girl cowered further into the corner of the room, making Joel sigh. “If you need food, I can give you some. There’s more where that came from.”

Before the girl could even react, Tess walked into the room. “There’s no one in the build— Who’s this?” Once Tess spotted the girl, her voice softened from confusion. She hadn’t expected a little girl all on her own.

“Our thief,” Joel chuckled, but quickly straightened his face when Tess inspected the girl with serious eyes. “She seemed to be hungry—”

“Where are your parents?” Tess asked, interrupting Joel. Tess’ voice wasn’t per se kind, but it was less rough then when she spoke to other adults. That much Joel could notice.

The girl didn’t answer, but her eyes moved to the other corner of the room. Joel and Tess followed the girl’s gaze until they noticed a built in closet. One of the doors was partly open and both of them could see the grimey, greyed flesh of two left arms hanging out the closet. A collective gasp left the two adults as their eyes turned to the little girl.

“What’s your name?” Joel asked, trying to ignore the presence of two dead bodies in the same room as him. He had seen and experienced worse, but imagining what the whole story must’ve been was something he didn’t want to think about.

“Mommy told me never to tell my name to strangers.” It was the first time the girl spoke and probably had spoken in a while. Her voice was hoarse to the point it sounded painful.

“Your mom is a very smart woman,” Tess said with a soft voice, trying not to scare the girl.

Joel crouched down to eye level with the girl and nodded to her as if coaxing her to look at him. “We can take you with us—”

“Joel,” Tess called in a scolding manner. He looked up to her to find her motioning him to follow her with her head. Joel smiled stiffly at the girl, before following Tess outside the room. “Are you insane, Joel? We can’t fucking take her! She’ll die out there.”

“She’ll die in here, Tess,” Joel retaliated firmly. His voice was unwavering just as were his eyes. “Look,” he began, letting her know he was about to reason with her. “We’ll take her back to the QZ. We find her a place she can stay—”

“We can’t just prance through the front gate of the QZ with a little girl. They’ll kill her on sight and us, because we shouldn’t be out here in the first place! I would rather have her die here with her family than have her killed under our responsibility.”

“I think it’s too late for that already. She’s been here for a while.” Joel raised his brows as if telling her “you know this too”, making Tess sigh in response and throw her head back. “Those bodies aren’t just a day old and I don’t want to open that closet, but I know that those people turned before she had to kill them.”

Tess looked back at Joel, her brows turned into a frown. “Since when did you start being a father again?”

“That is not what this is,” Joel clarified. Something in his tone telling Tess to bring up such things again. “I know you don’t want to leave this girl here alone either.”

“What if she’s infected?”

“You’ll check her over and if she’s okay we’ll take her to the QZ.”

“Okay and what after we get back in? She won’t be there officially. Legally. If they find her, she’ll be dead.”

“You know people. With your connections—”

“Joel.” Once again, Tess spoke with a tone to warn him about continuing to talk.

“Tess,” Joel called her, mimicking her tone. He moved closer ever so slightly and placed his hand on her forearm. His grip was soft, barely there and he looked at her with soft eyes. “I know you can do this. We can’t leave her here.”

Tess pressed her eyes closed as if she needed a second to wrap her mind around what had just happened and how this would affect them. Joel removed his arm from hers and took a step back, watching her contemplate everything they had done up until now. Joel knew what they were about to do wasn’t ideal, but he couldn’t leave the girl on her own after knowing she was starving and had spent several days locked up in a room with her dead parents.

By the time Joel had come to terms with the situation himself, he found that Tess had already joined the little girl back in the room.

“Lori.” Joel had missed the conversation that happened before this, but realised that they had just learned the name of the small girl.

“Do you know how old you are?”

“Seven.” Tess smiled and nodded at the girl, but Joel could easily tell she was trying to hide her surprise and frankly horror at finding out the girl’s age.

Seven and already had to kill her family. Joel wished Lori’s parents were horrible people. That forcing a child to kill her parents wasn’t for nothing—beside the obvious reason for them being infected.

“And you’re sure you don’t have any bites on you?” Tess asked whilst double checking the girl’s limbs. Lori nodded with wide eyes as she watched the tall woman. There was something akin to wonder in her eyes. She didn’t seem scared at all. “Do you want to come with me and Joel? I promise you, where we’re going, there is more food.” Tess smiled sadly as her words seemed to peak Lori’s interest. “It’s not much, but it’s more than you can find here.”

Lori stood up with the help of Tess, holding the tiny bit of beef jerky she had stolen tightly in her fist. They started moving towards the door where Joel stood waiting on them, when Lori stopped and stared at the closet. “What about my mommy and daddy?”

Joel and Tess had never found each other's gazes so quickly then when Lori uttered those words. “Well,” Tess began as she must’ve realised Joel didn’t know what to say in such situations. “They’re at peace here. Together. I’m sure they would love for you to go somewhere safe.”

Lori nodded hesitantly before turning sharply at Joel. Without a second glance, the little girl walked out the room and down the stairs with the two adults following her in silence.

It was crazy to Joel, how this little girl was able to cope with the world crumbling apart around her. Maybe it was because she didn’t know any better. Because the worst had already happened to her. It couldn’t be real to see a seven year old laugh and joke around with a woman 4-5 times her age after having been found only 3 hours before stealing food to survive and sitting in a room where she had killed her infected parents.

An amused chuckle coming from Tess, took Joel out of his trance. “I’m not supposed to like you, kid.” Joel watched as Lori’s brows turned down in confusion.

“Why not?”

Tess gave the girl a pat on her back, closing the bottle of water she had shared with her. “Because we’ll probably not see each other much when you get to the people who’ll take care of you.”

If it was possible, Lori’s frown would become more pronounced. It was as if the way those words left Tess’ mouth so easily affected the girl. She eyed Tess before glancing at Joel for a second and then refocused her gaze on Tess. “Am I not staying with you two?”

“Well, me and Joel aren’t home a lot. We have to work and aren’t always in the QZ. It’ll be hard to take care of you when we’re not home that often.”

“Oh,” Lori said softly. She looked down in her lap before nodding. “Will you at least come see me when you aren’t working?”

Tess smiled and patted the girl’s back again. “Of course.”

“Fucking—” Tess ducked her head to the side as the impact of the shot reverbrated from her left side. She looked up with a scowl, watching Lori walk up to her with a grin. “Are you trying to kill me?”

Lori holstered her gun before crouching down. She tore a piece of fabric from a dirty shirt she found laying around and wound it around Tess’ leg. While securing the fabric Lori glanced to Tess’ left side, just behind her on the floor. “I've got a pretty good aim,” she chuckled and focussed on finishing up the makeshift bandage around the older woman’s thigh. Tess looked behind her to see a clicker on the floor. Bullet hole right between where its eyes should be.

“Don’t get cocky on me now,” Tess warned the girl, trying not to show her a smile. Lori saw through her though, she always did.

Some shuffling sounded from behind the two as Lori pulled Tess back on her feet. “Are you done with your girl talk? We need to hurry up before it gets too dark.”

Lori looked back at Tess with an amused smirk. The older of the two hadn’t caught the smirk yet, until Lori spoke, “what a buzzkill.” Tess hit the younger girl on her shoulder, but tried to stifle her laugh as she watched Joel mumble under his breath.

“Don’t get on his bad side now,” Tess warned, limping slightly behind the two. The cut in her leg wasn’t too deep, yet it still stung. She had gone through worse, though.

“I think I already am,” Lori joked as she wrapped herself around Joel’s arm. “He doesn’t like me very much.”

“I’m sure that’s not true—”

“She’s right,” Joel interrupted Tess and shrugged the girl off his arm. Lori just laughed, leaving Joel to roll his eyes.

“Didn’t you see, though? I shot that clicker and saved Tess’ life!”

“Still don’t know why we gave you a gun,” Joel muttered.

“What? I just said I saved her life!”

Tess rolled her eyes, skipping a little to get between the two. She looked at the young girl before mouthing, “leave it.”

Lori rolled her eyes and this time Tess could tell the girl’s mood dropped. “I’m just letting you know you owe me.”

“I know I do,” Tess said to try and lighten the mood, but from that point on Lori—and Joel—stayed silent.

They arrived at Joel’s apartment in the QZ a few hours later. Joel crashed onto the couch while Lori sat down at the small kitchen table that was so wobbly, it got everyone wondering when it would break apart. The girl laid her head down on the table, closing her eyes as if she would fall asleep there.

“Kiddo,” Tess called out for Lori, who only hummed in response. “You said I owed you right?” Lori squinted her eyes questioningly at Tess before realising what she was holding in her hand.

“Wow! Where did you find this?” Lori took the book of sudokus from Tess and Tess could see the glimmers of excitement light up Lori’s eyes.

“Found it in that house where you saved me from that clicker. It’s partly filled in, but I’m sure there’s plenty you can still do.” Tess leaned in closer, pointing at something on the cover. “It says advanced, as well. I’m sure these will keep you occupied for a couple of weeks.”

“A couple of days maybe,” Lori muttered, but she was still happy beyond belief. “Thank you Tess!” The girl jumped up from her seat and launched herself onto Tess. The latter chuckled awkwardly, but let Lori hug her.

Tess found out rather quickly after they found Lori and took her to the QZ that the girl was really smart. Besides already being fairly mature for her age, the girl seemed to be a real problem solver—literally. The second she learned how sudokus were solved—she learned this from one of the men that worked for Tess—Lori would spend every minute she could solving them. As she got older, she did them less often. Not only were the books a rare thing to find, but she had also gotten so good at them that she would finish the easy ones within only a minute or two.

“What’s so fun about those little number games anyway?” Tess and Lori turned their heads to Joel, who had uttered the question with annoyance in his tone.

“I’m not surprised you don’t know that it’s called a sudoku, which isn’t a game,” Lori answered through gritted teeth. Joel just rolled his eyes and got more comfortable on the couch. “They’re puzzles,” the young girl added, “and you’re probably too stupid to solve them.”

“Lori!” Tess gasped before she watched Joel swing his legs down the couch and glower at the teen.

“You do not talk to me like that. Understood?” Joel’s voice was low and steady. It would make anyone cower, but Lori didn’t even flinch. She returned Joel’s scowl and for the first time Tess felt nervous seeing the two act the way they did.

“No,” Lori answered unwavering which caused Joel to boil over and stand up, anger clearly consuming his figure.

Tess quickly jumped between the two, pushing herself back into Joel so he couldn’t get closer to Lori. She knew Joel wouldn’t hurt her, but she wasn’t sure what else he would do and she wasn’t about to find out. “Okay, you two can stop this,” Tess told them with a nervous quiver in her voice. She wasn’t afraid of Joel, nor was she afraid of the young girl she had been taking care of for multiple years, but it was the foreign situation that was unfolding that caught her slipping from her usual collected demeanour. “I don’t know why you are so hostile towards each other today, but let’s just stop this now.”

Lori grabbed her puzzle book from the table, stuffed it in her bag and pulled the strap of her bag over her shoulder. “He fucking started it,” she mumbled, holding Joel’s stare.

“Let’s not handle this like children—”

“I am a kid, Tess!” The older of the two women watched as Lori’s eyes shifted to Joel. She could tell Lori was biting back her words before she looked back at Tess. The look in the girl’s eyes told Tess she felt betrayed that she, Tess, was taking Joel’s side and Tess wanted nothing more than to assure the girl that that wasn’t the case, but Lori spoke before she could say anything, “I’m heading home.”

Without another word, Lori turned around and disappeared behind the front door of Joel’s apartment, likely going back to Tess’ place. Tess sighed in disappointment before turning around to face Joel. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Joel mumbled something under his breath before laying back down on the couch.

“I know Lori isn’t your daughter. I know she isn’t Sarah—”

“Don’t bring her up,” Joel warned, opening his left eye to glare at Tess.

“Lori isn’t your kid, but she’s still a kid and that gives you no reason to treat her like shit.” Tess’ voice was full of disappointment and somewhere beneath the worry she carried for Lori and her relationship with Joel, there was anger. Anger towards the stupidity of it all. “I don’t know why you’re suddenly acting like this. I just don’t get it.”

Joel sighed and sat up on the couch, leaving room for Tess to sit down next to him if she pleased. “Seven years ago we said we’d bring Lori to a family who would take care of her. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want a 14 year old following us around with a gun and making our jobs 10 times harder.”

Tess frowned at the nonsense Joel was spitting. “What the fuck are you even saying? Seven years ago you insisted on bringing Lori here. You gave me no way out and I did everything I could to give her a family, but it didn’t work out. Now she’s my family and I’m getting a little pissed off with how you are treating her.”

“Next time, let’s leave her in the QZ when we go out, she’s a danger to us,” Joel said as if trying to change the subject. Tess, however, noticed Joel’s gaze lower to the bloody bandage around her leg and it was like a lightbulb turned on inside her head.

“This?” she asked incredulously, motioning at her leg. “The kid fucking saved me, Joel! If it weren’t for her, that clicker would’ve gotten to me.”

Joel jumped up from his seat and moved close to Tess. “What if she missed? What if she shot you instead? I should have saved you! I am the one that should keep you safe!” he yelled, emphasising the I’s by pointing at his chest.

Before Joel could register the sting on the side of his face, Tess was already storming out of his apartment. “You selfish bastard,” she muttered as she gathered her stuff. “Lori and I don’t need you. It’s you who needs us and you fucking know it. So get a grip.” The door shut with a loud bang.

“Huh—”

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s just me,” Tess whispered as she climbed into bed with Lori. She softly tucked Lori’s long locks of hair behind her ear and felt her heart break when she saw her tear stained cheeks. “You can go back to sleep,” she told the girl, who immediately buried her face underneath her chin.

The two usually never were this touchy. It only happened once before that they hugged like this. It was a day that Tess promised never to talk about again, knowing how much it affected Lori. If it were for Lori, however, they would be closer, physically and emotionally. Tess just didn’t want to get too attached—it was already too late for that. The thought in the back of her mind lingering. Wondering how many days they would be able to spend together in this hellish world. Even though they spent seven whole years together, Tess was still worried she might lose Lori or Lori might lose her. If anything happened she would like it to be the latter of the two options.

“I didn’t know what I did for him to hate me.”

“You didn’t do anything—”

“Clearly I did.”

Tess sighed, pulling the girl closer. “Joel doesn’t hate you,” she said, trying to comfort her in a soft voice. She chuckled a little as she said, “he’s just being a bit of a dick.”

“That’s an understatement,” Lori mumbled into Tess’ shirt, causing the older woman to laugh warmly. “It’s just that I see all these families in the QZ and outside that, despite everything, care for each other and then I look at my d— Joel and,” Lori started to stumble over her words and Tess could feel her face heating up against the skin of her neck. “He— My real father is dead, I don’t mean— Joel… I just want him to not hate me. I—”

Tess waited for Lori to continue, but she stopped talking completely. With a sad smile, not visible to Lori, Tess stroked the girl’s hair. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know he’ll come around—”

“Let’s just sleep.”

A sigh escaped Tess’ lips and she nodded. “Goodnight, love.”

As Lori slept in Tess’ arms, Tess thought about all the things she wanted to yell at Joel for. Her mind kept wandering back to the last words she yelled at Joel. “Lori and I don’t need you,” she remembered herself telling him. And it was true. But she also realised that Lori just wanted him. Moreover, she wanted Joel to want her. She wanted to be someone special in his life with the false hope he had given her when he insisted on bringing her to the QZ.

When Tess and Joel had found Lori, alone in that house, it was the first and last time both Tess and Lori had seen the fear, the love and the care of a father in Joel’s eyes. And that would continue to be true for Tess, because she wouldn’t be alive to see that shift again when Ellie—the girl she’d still be able to meet before her death—would start to mean something to Joel. Tess also wouldn’t be alive to see the betrayal and torment that would cause Lori.

Because all that Lori would ever want is for Joel to care.

[penvisions]

gone to the dogs {chapter 5}

Pairing: Boston QZ! Joel Miller x Reader ; brief mentions of Boston QZ! Joel Miller x Tess Servopoulos

Summary: Joel dwells on the new facet he's been witness to, internally overthinking over everything his had become and what it once was.

Word Count: 6.6k

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical language, canon typical gore, outbreak fic, age gap (only by about ten years), angst, mean joel miller, joel miller is uptight, degrading language, sexual language, sexual proposition, violence, heated interactions, adult language, fighting, argumentative language, mutual disdain, sexual content, implication of sex work, unprotected piv, sexual acts, reader is snarky, reader gets violent, minor injuries, reader meets joel toe-to-toe with insults and it's amazing, both reader and joel pov, lemme know if there are any i missed!

A/N: aaaaaand i'm back. please lemme know what you think?

ao3 link || series masterlist || joel miller masterlist || ko-fi

It’s confusing, the way that he feels about you.

There are warning bells sounding inside his mind, even before the trip to Lincoln to meet with Bill and Frank. While that had helped to establish another partner for trade with a different set of goods, it also allowed him a glimpse into the person you had once been. It had made him begin to think of who you had been and the things the world had done to make you into who he knew you as.

He had been as genuine as he was able to when he approached you in the shower you had indulged in his growing attraction of you. The way you had seemed almost welcoming of him even as you stood naked underneath the stream of water and the whisper of his harsh words from the night before between you. You had allowed him in, had talked with him quietly, none of the biting words you both typically shared.

And then they came back, tinging the air and attitudes flaring the closer you got to the zone.

He doesn’t understand the pull he feels to align in your orbit, the way his appetite could only be sated should you provide toward it.

But he’s all too aware of it that morning as he groans and rolls over to find the bed empty. Tess is at the table, watching him with a detached look on her face. He had started out on the couch, unsure of when he had fallen into her orbit much like he’s used to, much like he’s realizing he’s doing with you.

“Cane dropped off some deliveries for you. I’m going to work, laying low for a while.”

He grunts, pushing himself off the bed. His head hangs between his shoulders as he scrubs aching hands over his face. The hush of his facial hair loud in the silence.

“Didn’t mean to kick you out of the bed.”

“You didn’t. You stayed on your side the entire night.”

“Still.”

“Look, you’re the one who put up the boundary, I’m not gonna push it. We can share a bed without it meaning anything. It’s just sleep.” She’s not upset, at least not that he can sense of her knowing her tells and tones, but she’s not happy either. More…reserved and resigned, willing to play along with the things he had confessed to her as they lay in a furnished house, in a nice bed, with blankets and covers that weren’t matted with dirt no matter how hard they scrubbed them in the sink.

“Gotcha.”

She was out the door before he could finish turning to look at her over his shoulder. He could hear you moving about in your space next door, the slow way your steps move atop the aged hardwood and threadbare carpet with such little sound. So light on your feet, like always. He’s seen it more times than he could count, the way you tip toe up landings of stairs ahead of him, feet light and steps quiet to not draw any attention to you. Always covering your tracks, minimizing the impact you have on your surroundings. Human or otherwise.

‘He can’t sleep, it’s too quiet. He keeps hearing the creak of floorboards, the soft voices of others through thin walls, vehicles patrolling the streets. His mind won’t quiet like the phantom sounds he hears that tell of life in the zone. He’s struggling with being away though he can’t stand to be there in the first place.

It’s an odd feeling, like he doesn’t belong. Anywhere.

The older men have ‘welcomed’ them into their home, albeit he’s sure their hospitality is more of an extension from their fondness of you and Frank’s delight in Tess. Not for him, never for him. A dangerous thing. A dangerous man. Someone to keep an eye on, to tread carefully and cautiously around. He thinks of how he’s had to use his hands, shut off parts of his brain while others shut down on their own in the wake of everything he’s been through, the things he’s done in the name of survival and protection.

And while he regrets, he also revels. In the things he didn’t know he was ever capable of. The things he never wanted to be capable of. He sees in in everyone, the potential. It’s instinct at this point, he sees in himself, in Tess, in you, in Bill and Frank, everyone he interacts with. It makes him a cautious man, exactly the same at the two who had offered him room and board for the night.

Though he doesn’t know if he would’ve done the same, if he had been in their position.

Maybe to Tess, maybe to you. But not another man. It’s hard to tell what they carry in themselves, hard to tell what he carries still and what he’s forced out of his mind.

He doesn’t startle when a soft hand begins to wander over his side, gently holding to his waist.

“What’s got you breathing so heavy?”

“Nothin’,” Is his immediate response, even in the cover of darkness he doesn’t want to open up his mind to the woman beside him. He can’t, she has her own history that plagues her. He knows about some of it, some of it he doesn’t. Some of it may be his fault, some of it is his fault, and he doesn’t…can’t handle hearing the confirmation even if he already knows. Already senses that his lack of willingness to talk, to put voice to things, the way they’ve lived dwells on Tess’s mind far too much. Especially now…

“Joel…” A sigh of her own fills the air, he can feel it on the back of his neck where she’s leaning into his space, arms wrapping around him as they always do. Cradling him, allowing him a moment to feel and not be the one providing, protecting, defending. She allows him that, the chance to just be. Even if he rarely feels like he needs to, even if he feels the need to far more often than he’d like to admit.

Her hand snakes lower, thumb hooking in between the worn leather of his belt and the waistband of his jeans. He had refused to change out of his clothes, while she had willingly and quickly shucked off her own clothing for the set of soft pajamas neatly folded on the bed when they had retired for the night. A finger dangles lower, feeling for him beneath the rough fabric and his mind short circuits.

He….he doesn’t want to. Even as the familiar flare of pleasure roils deep in his body.

“Tess, no.”

“Are you sure? Could help you to relax, actually get a decent night’s sleep for once.” She doesn’t move her hand lower or more firmly, she doesn’t lean into him more, but her words tell of her own willingness and something in him freezes.

“I said no,” He rumbles, feeling at odds with the way pleasure begins to unfurl in his nerves. A natural response to the woman beside him, the only woman he’s known in such a way for over two decades. A lie, his mind decides to betray him, he’d had you just the other day. In a way he’d never anticipated and it had set his nerves on fire and stalled his mind, his bravado crumbling the second your body responded and you touched him in return. It had been electrifying, the way your sounds

“I don’t, I can’t. It’s…it’s not fair to you.” It’s not that he doesn’t feel anything for her, on the contrary, she’s stuck by him for years. Knows him as well as he knows himself, or maybe even more at this point as he’s lost so much of who he used to be. Who he used to think was a good person, a good neighbor, a good brother…a good father. A thoughtful person who watched out for his own, protected and provided for his own as best he could with the hand he had been dealt.

“Don’t you dare make this about me, Joel.” Her voice betrays her, eyes searching his own as he rolls to face her head on, to face his decision and any consequences head on. She’s beautiful, his heart laments.

Her hair is smooth and shiny from a shower she had been allowed to indulge in, with actual hot water and products that he had recognized from his many trips to the store to try and find something to tame tighter curls than his own. Her face is more relaxed than he has seen in- ever, he thinks.

And of course, he would ruin the first real moment she’s had to herself in years. Since before the end of the world, probably.

Joel Miller, a failure once again.'

He shakes the memory from his mind, hoping that today can begin the new page he's intent on beginning.

“I keep forgetting y’all are relatively new here. But the way it happened was, she came outta nowhere, no one knew who she was. Barely recognizable among the mules used for trade to avoid suspicion when the zone first started changing.” The guy is surprisingly willing to talk with his drinking companions, unaware of Joel listening intently as he nurses his own glass.  The room muggy and the air stale as the underground cellar is all but turned into a speak easy. “But then one day the man guy who came from the free lands beyond the walls was found dead with his throat ripped out. Teeth marks and a bloody fingerprints stamped on his forehead. Then all of a sudden, she’s in the middle or in charge of every trade, of every product coming in or out of the zone.”

“She was a mule?” The incredulous statement is just that, a statement. A matter of fact that Joel can feel even in the absurdity of the words uttered by a stranger. A theory he’s had since Frank had checked on you, one on one. The worry and anxiety he had expressed at the way you two had been separated spoke more than the story he was sure to never hear the entirety of. It would explain how you knew so much, every small gap in the fence. Every officer to work with, which ones to avoid. The camaraderie he’s sensed between you and some of them even if your face falls the second you turn away from them. How some of them, how some people of the zone, flock to you.

There are no more mules, no more women who are used to trade. Everything done between willing participants, the use of those unwilling eradicated by someone who had been in their place once. He can almost picture it, even if he doesn’t want to. A younger version of you, terrified but cunning. Biding the time until you could take your power back.

“That’s the rumor, she didn’t even come into the zone proper or get registered, FEDRA turns an eye on her because they benefit from her supplies. Some of them fall at their feet for the chance to interact with her.”

“Shit, she’s really got everyone wrapped around her little finger.”

“People tried to report her, rat her out to soldiers because of how much she was charging but she never got caught and then the next day whoever tried to do it would show up dead. The only person who didn’t was her brother, who watched after her like a damn guard dog, day and night. Those damn little paw print stamps were on everything from that point on, the same ones used now.”

Everything froze in the room as the sound of thunder boomed overhead, the heavy sound of tanks rumbling down the road up above following the sound of rain falling heavy.

“You mean to tell me, some little girl who was being used as a mule ended up being in charge of the entire smuggling scene?” The young woman refilling drinks and taking ration cards couldn’t quell her curiosity, the talk of you buzzing all around the room. It was only natural, you were a woman holding control over something, she was but a server working out a debt in the underground bar.

“She ain’t no little girl anymore. Bitch is fit to tear people apart if she even so much as senses they’re thinking of turning her in or ambushing her. Things got a little different after she turned her own brother in, claiming he used her as a mule too to save her ass from getting caught. But no one really bought the lie when the scene didn’t change after his death. She’s always alone though, no one was looking after her until Miller showed up. But damn if she wasn’t hard to find, kept to the shadows and had soldiers doing most of the trading for her.”

The woman glanced over at Joel, not lifting her eyes to meet his as he placed a card on the table to signal he wanted another pour. She did so, his gruff nod of acknowledgement catching her off guard when he didn’t reach for her in a move she was far too used to at this point. When she pocketed the card, he reached out and slipped another few into her hand directly.

She didn’t say anything and neither did he. Draining his glass, he stood and exited the seedy basement.

He stands outside in the alley, letting the rain sprinkle on his face and neck, reveling in the cool feel of it as it sobers him up. He’s still coming down, the day had been long as he realized just how much he had taken. The events of last night play over his head, the snarl of your lips, the heft of your words, the feeling of the cut off fingers thudding into his chest as you pinned him down. His neck stings as the salt in the rain touches the thin cut on his neck and he thinks over the words of the other patrons.

He feels something swell in his chest, a mixture of emotions knows is tainted by dangerous ones. Like desire.

You had been a mule. Not even legal when the outbreak happened, forced into working the underground scene. Separated from the only person who you had known, forcefully from the way he recalls the conversation between you and Frank. But yet…you had flourished. Grown thick skin, a pelt of protection, a snarl to your lips, and threat to your words. A mirror of who he had turned into, the thought heady as it swirls around his mind.

You had made something of the situation, taking it over and blossoming into someone who had the power instead of being controlled by it. There was no doubt you were behind the ransacking of the apartments once they had returned to the zone. He wondered why for a moment, before he realized that it didn’t matter. He and Tess would fall in line, rather be a part of it and work with you than find themselves on the other side of the line and working against you or competing with you.

It was…admirable, he had to admit. Even if he couldn’t stand the air you sometimes adapted around him. Matching his comments, his attitude, his undermining and authority when he put his foot down. He sees it for what it truly is now, a match to his energy. To hide your own meanings and intentions by butting heads with him. Not at all a false notion, as he’s seen real annoyance and frustration flare to life in your eyes more than once. Now that he’s seen another facet of who you are…

He wonders if…if he were to calm down, would you do the same? He’s tired, the days dragging on and the circumstances getting more dire. He didn’t want to waste energy he didn’t have.

He must’ve been standing there for longer than he realized, because the young girl who had been serving steps out, steps faltering as she sees his shadow close to the door.

“Oh! I’m…you startled me.” He sees that same sparkle of fear he had in your own face, though it’s more apparent, more glaring in this scenario. She doesn’t quickly hide it, gloss over it like you had. She’s innocent, she’s doing her best with what she’s got. But it’s not enough, it will never be enough. For either of you. For him.

“Didn’t mean to.”

“Thank- thank you, for the cards.” She takes a deep breath, as if stealing herself. “Do you want-“

“Don’t wanna see you in there again, you hear me?” Joel cuts her off, aware of his drawl encompassing his words more than usual. The gruff way he shoves the sentiment from deep within his chest, thoughts of a younger version of you in his mind, of his own daughter being forced into the same situation. Of how unfair and disgusting it is, the way women are treated in the end of the world, like just another possession to control and seek after. If he can prevent it in this case, then he would.

“You go home and you stay home, do the work organized by the zone. Only the work organized by the zone.” He catches her eyes, dipping his head in order to do so. She’s frightened, unsure of what is going ton, but she’s remained quiet. A nod of her head is all the answer he gets. “You need anything, you come to me. Food, water, clothing, a place to hide away. No strings or favors attached.”

“Y-yes, sir.”

And then he’s shrugging off from his spot against the wall, shoulders of his jacket damp just as his curls begin to feel the weight of the rain collected on them. It isn’t much, but it’s something. He’s tired of wasting energy in an endless fight for hierarchy, he just wants to feel like a person again. You allow him the space to, your hesitant revelations of late letting him know that there’s a yearning to feel normal that lives in you too.  

The tear of your skin from the barbs is hidden by the pelting rain much like the scream you suppress into a huff of breath, the snag of it pulling a slight whimper in the base of your throat. Muscles tensing, you continue to haul yourself over the top of the fence, the barbs dragging further as you move over them and allow yourself to fall on the other side. Rolling, you try to minimize the impact, your feet finding purchase and you take off down the dim street as search lights continue to search the part of the city you just escaped.

Steps quiet, the adrenaline coursing through your veins spurs you forward, jacket intact but shirt beneath it torn and you hold a hand tight to your middle with a hiss.

The rain comes down in heavy sheets now, just a sparse sprinkle when it had first started. But now thunder and lightning accompany it. The sky lighting up with every deafening boom and you tried to stick to the shadows of the buildings, using them as hideaways as you made your way back to your building.

You barely plopped down into the chair when you heard the muffled voices of your partners next door.

Shrugging from your jacket, you pulled your hair up out of the way before you began to pull the saturated shirt from your upper body. A hiss fell from your lips when the torn fabric stuck to the still bleeding cuts on your middle. Holding your breath, you carefully removed it and tossed the thing to crumble into a heap on the floor. The bite of your belt buckle into your stomach was ignored as you took a healthy drink from the bottle of amber liquid beside you on the table.

“Fuck,” You whispered to the empty apartment as you began to open the sterile packs assembled on the tabletop.

You’re barely on the second pinch of your skin at the needle’s end when the hinges on the door creak. A lucky thing that you recognize the man walking through it, having blanked out on locking it in your haste.

“Hey, I’ve got those credits you-“ Joel trails off when the door opens easily and he’s privy to the scene of you trying to stitch yourself up. Hands trembling slightly and head craned at an awkward angel to best see the spot that needs tending low on your stomach.

“Just set them on the table.” You don’t look up from where you pierce your skin with the needle, silver medical wire catching the light as you pull it as taut as you safely could, blood seeping through the wound at the action. Twin drops of it trailing down your skin to sink into the fabric of your undone waist band pulled to the side, undone belt clinking with the motion of you reaching for another swig of liquid courage.

“Let me,” Joel’s voice is quiet, nearly soft in the way it lacks the gruff edges normally adorning his words.

He’s scooting another chair closer to you, his hands wiped clean on the abandoned cleansing cloth you used among the supplies. His thick fingers carefully extract the needle from your own, mindful to not pull at the work you’ve already managed. His other hand replaces yours where you had been holding the wound closed, eyes narrowing when he could hear the sharp inhale you took and the faint whimper that sounded out on your exhale.

“Does this mean I’ve got a hunt tomorrow?”

“Unless you plan on beating the shit out of a fence,” You try to joke, but the words get caught in your throat when the sting of the thread moving in your skin causes you to shudder. “Hold on, let me-“

“I gotcha, won’t move until you give me the go ahead.”

Ignoring how close he is to you, kneeled before you with his hands so warm against your middle, you reach for the dime bag stamped with your mark and down the four pills inside with another swig of the amber liquid.

“Okay,” You grit your teeth against the unsavory taste, the feel of the pills slipping down your throat. It was what he was waiting for, before picking the task up again.

The shabby apartment is quiet save for the harsh pattering of rain, distant booms of thunder and the even breathing of you both. The air is tense, if only just a bit, neither willing to break almost peaceful spell that had befallen after such a hectic few days and tense weeks. A crux, almost, that you found yourself teetering on with the man. One path that would lead to continuous arguing, violence and second guessing each other or one path that would lead to a better understanding of each other and allow for things to flow more smoothly.

Joel’s wiping away the blood smeared into your skin as best he can now, the end of the stitches tied neatly off and knotted so they remain secure and do their job well. Eight of them, all in all. The cut a harsh line in the soft spot of your belly, the pudge that had begun to form and stubbornly refuse to burn off even after long days of trekking and working despite a lack of nourishing food. It reminds you of how you looked before, when you were able to be the person who you had always wanted to be. But the end of the world had laid ruin to a lot, including the full shape your body had once been.

“Any others?” Joels fingers are wrapping around the bottle of whiskey, a full swig taken followed by another. You can’t help but watch as his throat bobs with the action, your body feeling the narcotics begin to kick in. Tingling sensations skating across your skin and chasing away the pain of the day, of the night, of survival. If only for a moment.

“Dunno, body feels like one big bruise.”

He sighs, shaking his head slightly as he regards the supplies sprawled on the table. Then the tremble of your left hand, the way your palm is inflamed and the cuts there you either don’t register or are ignoring.

“Let’s start with your hand then…” He’s silently thankful when you allow him to grasp it lightly and pull it into his space to look over.

It’s late, sleep evading you the second the pills began to wear off and the pain of your injury flared.

Pulled you up from the depths of your induced sleep. From the shower Joel had helped you to take, to the inspection he had done for anymore injuries. His quiet voice, the deep rasp of it had lulled you as he laid you down once the drugs and exhaustion took over.

You’re pacing in the little free space of your bedroom, in front of the window. The rain is still falling, though the storm seems to have passed. You’ve got one of the small stamps that had been molded and carved out from a bit of rubber. Tumbling the item in your good hand when you hear the floorboards groan underneath someone’s foot.

Spinning around, you see the dark outline of Joel in the doorway, filling the frame as he simply watches you. And it’s unnerving how at ease you feel seeing him there in the middle of the night, when he’s never been in your apartment longer than a few hours to discuss runs or plans. To help with rationing cards, food, or portioning out contraband.

“Y’need to rest. Antibiotics are gonna take it out of you when they kick in.” He’s quiet, voice low as he stands in his spot.

“Pain woke me up, took another pill to even it out.” You keep your voice low, not wanting to break whatever spell is still cast over your apartment. The one that allowed for you both to see each other as people, as equals. No overly harsh words spit at each other. It’s allowing you to glimpse at who he is in his own moments, in the quiet of the evening, in the dead of night when there’s no one to perform for, no one to front for.

“C’mon, lay down. Pacing is just gonna irritate the stitches.”

“You don’t control me.” You can’t help but breathe out heavily, the heft of your body and the pain throbbing in your middle making you irritable despite the atmosphere.

“Not tryna control you, tryna take care of you,” Joel is moving toward you, his frame towering over your slightly hunched over one. He’s all shadows in the darkness of the room, the streetlamps are out on your block. When you take a step back and tighten the grip around the stamp in your hand, he sighs. “Even though I know you don’t need it, least of all from me.”

“I don’t.” You can’t help but rebut. The paranoid part of your brain thinking this was all just some sort of game, some con he was pulling on you. Always on the lookout, always on alert. And it’s tiring, just as much as it is rewarding.

“Tess does, sometimes.” He tries to reason, tries to appeal to you. “I do, too.”

You think back to the way he stalls in moments beyond the walls, when he thinks no one is looking. How he bumps a fist to the center of his chest as if to dislodge something. The pressure of the world and this life settling sharp and heavy in his chest, making it hard to breathe sometimes. Your eyes linger on the scar about his temple, those on his knuckles, the cracks of his knees as he takes big steps up or around something. The palm he holds to his back and the swagger you know he doesn’t deliberately put into his steps as he treads down the hallway at the end of a shift.

“Only had my brother to take care of me. And it was only for a little while.” You confess, heart seizing at the memories of your brother. His last smile to you. You blink back to reality when there’s a tug of your hand. Joel is unfolding your fingers from around the stamp, thick fingers gently prodding at the skin beneath the gauze wrapped there.

Huh. You had been unconsciously pushing into the wound with it, mind relishing in the sting.

“Gonna tear it even deeper, doin’ that.” He’s pocketing the stamp, and you think to argue against it but as you part your lips to do so he’s swooping down to brush his nose against yours. “Lemme distract you another way, yeah?”

“You’re seriously propositioning me right now?” Your words fall short when you don’t step back from him any further. Body already shimmering at the mere suggestion of his moving against it.

“Only if you’re willing.” It’s an honest response, a genuine one. There’s no teasing.  

“What’s the point?”

“The point?” He’s pressing his forehead to yours. “The point is for you to see me, for you to know that I see you. To see that I’m tryna meet you in the middle.”

“But…why?” You whisper, unable to quell the almost giddy sensation of curiosity as you realize he’s being completely open with you right now. That he’s not playing games or trying to manipulate you, nor is he trying to prove a point like he had been the first time around.

“Because I’m tired, Cane.” He admits, “Tired of fightin’.”

“Fighting is half the fun of being paired up, get to rile you up.”

“Fun? Girl, you gotta twisted notion of fun.”

“You don’t even know the half of it.” You smirk, sure he could feel the corner of your mouth pressed to his cheek as you whisper into his ear. But you match the tone of the energy still flowing about the room, the energy flowing between you and press your lips to his in a kiss.

It’s soft, the way his lips move against yours. No nipping teeth or forceful tongue. His hands snake around your waist and pull you to him, body warm and overwhelming as you feel the way he’s already hard.

The kisses turn deeper as clothing is removed, pressed to lips, to shoulders, to the bare skin of your breasts as they are revealed to the cool air. Nipping now, against peaked nubs and exposed thighs, just as your nails leave faint marks of their own on his back, on the front of his stomach where hairs trail down to his weeping cock.

The world stills as he enters you, bodies in tune to each other and your mind blanks as he nestles himself deep and stills. Twin groans of appreciation echo in the air, loud and sharp. His lips find yours in a chaste peck, tasting the soft groan of reverence as it sounds from between them.

“Look at that, little pup just needed something nice and big to fill her up, huh?” He grinds his hips into yours, the coarse hairs surrounding him tingling where they rub at sensitive skin. “To help her calm down and quiet those thoughts in her head.”

“Sh-shut up.” Your words don’t carry any heat behind them, as your eyes clench shut and your body sings in tune with his. Your hips buck, your walls clench, and your breathing heaves. He’s got you exactly where he wants you and he knows it. You know it too, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to submit. Not completely at least, there was no fun in that. But you know that, just under the surface of newfound acquiescence, that the man reveled in the banter you shared. Because you did too.

You trail your hands down from his neck to his shoulders, unclasping them from behind him to push him up. He’s moving with you, willingly, even as you crowd against him and shift him to his back. His eyes are blown wide, pupils taken over as you glimpse them in a strike of lightning that brightens the sky.

“Gonna show me whose boss?” He taunts, even as you can feel the rapid beat of his heart where you hand rests over his chest. Grounding you as you lower yourself back onto him, the glide of him easy as his slick and your own scent the air. “Cause tha’s mighty fine with me.”

“You sure? Didn’t seem to like it all that much the other day.” You gasp as the head of his cock catches deep inside you, sending a bolt of pleasure through you body as thunder booms overhead.

“I was high outta my mind, ain’t my fault.” He grunts out as you settle flush against him. Leaning forward to press your face into the crook of his neck. Your teeth sink into the skin there, tongue tasting the salt of his sweat as you place open mouthed kisses up to his good ear.

“Everything is your fault.”

“Yeah, I suppose it is. But you seem to like this outcome, I sure as fuck do.” He circles his hips, meeting your own swivel, twitching deep inside you as he grips tightly to your hips. His fingers will leave marks, but you think for a moment that it might be glance them in the mirror until they fade. They tighten, gripping to steady you as he begins to thrust up, punching the breath from your lungs with each delicious drag of his length.

“Just this once.” You moan out, voice rounding out as you begin to flutter around him, your stomach tightening as heat and pleasure burn through you. You lean back and rest your palms on his thighs. Hips circling and grinding at a fast pace. The pad of his thumb is pressing to you, jolting you forward and breaking your rhythm momentarily. Your body sings, pleasure cresting and washing over you in waves that could drown. But you catch your breath and ride them out, eyes beginning to droop even as you feel the hot spurts of Joel’s own release paint your insides.  

It’s early, the sun barely showing signs of nearing the horizon. The deep, velvet blue of night lightening in pinks and oranges that begin to color the room and allow you to see the man you felt in your bed the entire night.

Joel is still naked, the thin sheets and coverlet covering only his lower half, allowing you a full view of him beside you. He’s breathing evenly, deeply. You had ended up with your large shirt back on, to help keep the stitches a little cleaner once you had been cleaned with a dampened rag. Something you hadn’t expected of the man, even with this new…shift in the air.

It was peaceful, the night taking a turn you hadn’t expected. And your mind ticks and tocks with the possibilities of now having a somewhat more willing Joel by your side. A guard dog that is sworn to you, should you allow him to. A person who wants to appease you and ensure your safety, in all aspects of your life now, not just as a benefit to their own.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Joel’s sudden voice catches your own even breathing, taking you off guard.

“Like what, Miller?” Recovering quickly from your introspection, you roll your eyes; sure he can feel the motion even with his back still turned to you on the other side of the bed. Of course, he had felt you admiring the muscles of his broad back, the way his shoulders were dusted with faint freckles and dotted with dark moles, much like his strong neck and arms. The narrowing of his waist down to his hips, the dimples he had there just above his firm and shapely ass. He was beautiful, though you wouldn’t admit it to him aloud. “You’re not even facing me.”

“You know what.” He rumbles, voice impossible deep and devastating with sleep that clings to him, refuses to let him go even as he begins to stir in the early hour. A shiver runs down your spine, filthy words from last night

“You’re conceited, you know that?”

“Didn’t seem to mind it last night,” He’s smirking as he rolls over to finally reveal his waking face to you. Eyes softer than you’d ever seen them, relaxed almost as he begins to come back to himself and the world. His curls are a bit wild from his sleep, from the night before when you had run your fingers through the tresses, tangled them and pulled them tight. “Tellin’ me how good I felt, how big I was. Gave me a reason to be conceited, darlin’.”

“Oh no, don’t you start with that. You may have a big dick but it don’t mean you gotta act like one.”

“Like what?” He parrots, teeth glinting as he brandishes a wolfish grin at you. You feel the corners of your mouth twitch, a smile fighting to flourish, and you purse your lips so he can’t see it. Brows furrowing, you lean up and

“You know what.” You parrot back, dodging his ducking head as he prepares to nip at you again. It’s a slow roll away and out from under him, but he allows the movement, leaning back onto his knees more to make space. “We got a trek today, want to check out the hotel and then the old bunker underneath the west end hospital.”

“Long trek.”

“Old man, if I can handle it so can you.” You slowly stand to your full height, stomach pulling as the stitches are moved about slightly. Hands over in front of you as you gauge the slight blossom of discomfort.

“Let this old man into your bed.” His hands are hovering over you, ready to catch you should you fall, ready to do whatever they could to help should you need it, should you ask him to.

“Yeah, well, figured he needed something sweet to keep him in line. What’s sweeter than a pretty little thing than me, hmm?”

“God damn, you’re insufferable.” He huffs, the bed springs groaning as he disappears from his spot behind you. You look over your shoulder to see him pulling his ragged jeans back on. He’s turned away from you but that doesn’t stop you from watching him as he does so.

“You too, Miller.” You’re shoving him toward to the kitchen, intent on him starting a serving of coffee before the day truly begins, the sun beginning to shine through the broken blinds and thin curtains as it rises above the towering wall that surrounds the zone. “Now go make some coffee, yeah?”

“Only because you asked so nicely.” He let’s the momentum of your push carry him across the threshold into the rest of the apartment. He’s smirking, you can tell by the tone of his voice but you don’t let it simmer in your chest for too long before you’re focusing on cleaning the wound and replacing the bandage over it. Dressing for another long day, but at least you’ve got a more willing guard dog by your side to accompany you outside the walls now.

Everything seems to be falling into place, tempers easing, and your power no longer being questioned but accepted. You try to shake the feeling that something bigger is wavering on the horizon, now that you and Joel have found common ground and somewhat of an understanding.

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