#time for yakety sax

[marlynnofmany]

Honking Trouble

This job was a pain from the start. The customer was pushy, giving Captain Sunlight a run for her money on the diplomacy front — not bad enough for us to refuse to make the delivery, but pushing the boundaries — and the cargo was awkward. 

And since it was animals, that was my problem. 

“Keep your distance,” I told Zhee. “I think it can get its beak between the bars.” The cage was large and rickety, with bars a few inches apart. As if to prove me right, a long furry neck with a beak at the end stabbed outward and hissed at us. 

Zhee flared his pincher arms and hissed back, but the creature wasn't impressed. It just spread its batlike wings as far as the cage would allow and made a surprisingly deep honk that echoed through the cargo bay. 

I hadn’t read the documents yet about what kind of animal this was, from which planet, but if those documents turned out to say this was a genetic experiment in unwise combinations, I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised. It was vaguely goose-shaped, just with four feet instead of two, equipped with talons instead of webs, white fur instead of feathers, and a beak that ended in a wickedly sharp hook. After all the hawks and parrots I’d encountered back on Earth, that beak looked ready for either mischief or violence. Probably both.

At any rate, the goose-thing’s honk set off the tiny creatures in the other cage, which thankfully were better contained. That cage was a mesh sphere not about to let any of the little drifting dust motes out. As enchanting as it might be to have the spaceship filled with colorful bits of fluff that moved gracefully and made a chorus of tiny peeps, they just looked like allergies waiting to happen. And I didn't want to think about finding them behind the wall panels later. 

Zhee hissed at the furry demon goose again, clearly hoping to frighten it into submission. No luck. 

“Knock it off,” I told him. “That'll just make it louder. Here, help me get the lifter under the cage.” The customer had brought the cage onboard for us, but this wasn't a good spot for it. So it was up to me, the resident animal expert, to get it moved safely to a room more suited to animal cargo. Nobody wanted to sneak past this biter to get to the rest of the crates. 

Luckily we had a freshly refurbished hoversled with a lifting scoop that could slide under anything as long as the thing in question held still. I convinced Zhee to hold the cage stationary, since his exoskeleton was tougher than my fingers. The goose-thing pecked at him from an awkward angle. I worked the controls, and soon our misbehaving cargo was lifted up onto the sled. 

I looked over at the round cage full of chirping alien pixies. “Let's come back for that one.”  

“Agreed.”

The goose was quiet while we moved it down the hall, taking in the sights with all the attention of someone casing the joint. I told myself not to be too judgmental. Maybe it had never been on a spaceship before, and was curious.

Then Blip walked out of a side corridor, wearing her favorite flowy silk outfit that made her look like a muscley flower, and no: the goose was just looking for opportunities. It snapped at the nearest hem and almost got a beakful, but Blip moved just in time. Then she scolded it for almost ripping quality Frillian clothes.

“Do you know how hard this is to replace? Of course you don’t; you’re a rude animal.” She shook a blue finger at the unrepentant goose. Behind her, Blop appeared and aimed his own frown into the cage.

“Sorry,” I said. “Don’t get too close to this one. At least it was only aiming for your clothes, not something that would bleed.”

Blip folded muscular arms, flared her frills, and scowled. “It would have regretted that.”

I sighed, pushing the hoversled forward. “Don’t punch the cargo.”

Blip muttered as we left. There were no further incidents on the way into Storage Hold B, and the goose didn’t even try to bite us as we got the cage off the sled. It was busy inspecting the view: boxes, cabinets, and the large clear containment pen that had held troublemaking cargo before. It would have been nice to shove this guy in there, but the cage wouldn’t fit through the door, and there was no way I was going to voluntarily let it out.

“I’m watching you,” I told it as I followed Zhee back into the hall. Technically Kavlae was watching, or maybe Wio — whoever was in the cockpit behind the security cameras. They’d be making sure the onboarding process went smoothly before the ship took off.

I knew that, but I was still surprised to hear Kavlae’s voice on the hallway intercom a few minutes later.

“Walk faster,” she said from a single speaker. “It’s trying to open a box.”

“It can reach that??” I asked, pushing the hoversled more quickly. The aura puffs squeaked and twirled. (Their cage had a label, with a species description and the number of creatures inside. They were behaving.)

Zhee scurried ahead on his many bug legs to open the door. Before I could get there, he charged inside, hissing again. I heard answering hisses and the sound of a crate being scraped across the floor.

Once I got the aura puffs into the room, I found Zhee inspecting a gnawed-on box corner with splinters on the floor. The goose looked pleased with itself.

I asked, “What’s the damage?”

“Nothing significant,” Zhee said. “Luckily this is our own ship’s supplies, not something for a client.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t look good.” I parked the sled. “‘Here’s your delivery! You don’t mind a little artistic nibbling about the edges, do you?’ I’m sure that would go over well.”

Zhee shoved a couple other boxes further back and helped me set the aura puffs a safe distance away. Then, under Kavlae’s watchful eye, we went back to the cargo bay for some non-animal cargo.

The intercom chimed before we got there. “It’s trying to pick the lock on its cage,” Kavlae said, still on single-speaker mode. “I don’t know if it c— Oh no, it’s out.”

I left the sled in the middle of the hallway and ran, with Zhee right behind me.

Speakers all along the hall chorused, “It opened the other cage.”

I said a very unprofessional word and charged forward to slam my hand on the door-opening panel. Expecting the one cargo to be actively eating the other, I dashed inside, only to be knocked off my feet by the goose making a break for it. I fell amid clouds of happily chirping aura puffs.

Zhee lunged for the goose, but it dodged what would have been a very painful hug from his pincher arms, and I heard it honking triumphantly down the hall. Zhee ran after it while the whole-ship intercom chimed.

“Escaped cargo. It is large and likes to bite. Currently heading towards the crew lounge. Captain, permission to use stun guns on the cargo?”

After a moment, Captain Sunlight answered from somewhere else on the ship. “Permission granted. All available crew, arm yourselves and proceed with caution. Kavlae, keep us posted on its whereabouts.”

Trying not to feel like a failure, I scrambled to my feet and checked a cabinet for stun guns. Found one. Waving the aura puffs away from the door, I regretfully left them floating about the storage hold while I chased after the bigger problem. Zhee had already disappeared.

I met Trrili in the hall.

“How dangerousss is thisss animal?” she asked, looming over me and flexing her pincher arms in delight.

“I don’t think it wants to seriously hurt anyone, but I can’t say for sure,” I said. “It might go for the eyes if it’s cornered. Try not to damage it.”

“Frrrrightening causesss no damage,” Trrili said, and flashed away down the hall.

I ran after.

Kavlae reported, “It’s in the crew lounge, searching the furniture, probably looking for food. This could be a good place to corner it.”

Trrili waited in position outside the lounge when I arrived, crouched like a spider ready to spring. Zhee was moving toward the kitchen entrance to flank it. A flash of yellow scales at the other end of the hall was Captain Sunlight hurrying forward with a stun gun aimed at the floor. The goose made a muffled honk from inside the lounge, crunching something that sounded like snack food scavenged from under the couch.

I stopped behind Trrili and waited for everyone to get into position. Two threatening predators and two stun guns ought to be a recipe for success against one alien goose.

Then the goose dashed into the kitchen before Zhee could get there, and the whole plan went out the window.

Trrili raced after it. Zhee got in the captain’s way. I reached the kitchen in time to see the creature hiss in defiance before prying open a cabinet door.

It might have thought that was an exit. In reality, it was Paint’s hiding spot, and she shrieked fit to shatter eardrums, curling into a ball of scales and panic.

That was enough of a distraction for Mimi to drop from the high shelf he’d been waiting on, and wrap the demon goose in all of his tentacles. It was surprisingly effective.

That’s not the plan, but I’ll take it.

Everyone was shouting and in the way. I followed Mimi’s example and climbed onto a counter, where I could get a clear shot with the stun gun and not hit him.

I stunned the goose in the butt, and it finally stopped flapping.

It took a while for all the yelling to subside, but the captain wriggled past Zhee and Trrili to declare no harm done. Kavlae told the rest of the ship. Mimi untangled himself from the goose, who had frozen in an inconvenient position. Paint stayed in the cabinet. Zhee clicked away to get the hoversled, then stopped when Trrili simply dragged the goose towards the hold.

Captain Sunlight looked up at me. “Good shot.”

“Thanks,” I said, getting down from the counter. I’d have to wash the footprints off that later. “Paint, it’s safe to come out.”

Mimi was already coaxing her out of the cabinet, offering some of the snacks that she’d apparently been eating when she heard the alert about the dangerous animal.

Speaking of which, I thought. With Paint in good hands (or the equivalent), I hurried after the others. I heard Captain Sunlight say a few words to Paint and Mimi before following.

So we got to put the goose in the Clear Pen For Naughty Animals after all. This pen didn’t have anywhere it could stick its beak out of once the stun wore off, only mesh-covered air vents way at the top and a door that locked (very reliably) from the outside.

Take that, you troublemaker.

We caught the aura puffs carefully by hand (or the equivalent), and put them back in their own cage. Thankfully the goose hadn’t damaged the latch, just opened it with bird-brained cleverness.

“It’s just those last two left,” Captain Sunlight said after counting. “Up there.”

The two in question were floating higher than her little lizardy arms could reach, so I moved to do the honors. As I did, Blip and Blop arrived with the bug-catching net that no one had been able to find earlier.

They also brought with them a feline blur that I caught mid-leap, just before Telly snatched an aura puff out of the air.

“Not for you,” I said, heart beating wildly. “Let’s get you some proper cat treats that don’t belong to a paying customer.”

Blip and Blop exclaimed loudly at Telly’s speed, my reaction time, and the fact that they’d had no idea she was there; they were sorry they almost got the cargo eaten.

Captain Sunlight repeated, “No harm done.” She waved me off to my quarters with the disgruntled cat, and spoke to the others about plans to notify the customer of just what kind of danger fee he’d brought upon himself by not properly securing his chaos-causing animal.

~~~

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book.

Shared early on Patreon! There’s even a free tier to get them on the same day as the rest of the world.

The sequel novel is in progress (and will include characters from these stories. I hadn’t thought all of them up when I wrote the first book, but they’re too much fun to leave out of the second).

[legendaryrooftopscene]

SVSSS is a masterpiece because nearly all of the dramatic events that happen feel suitably serious to the characters, but the narration is so flippant and the situations so ridiculous that the entire thing is backed by Yakety Sax playing on a loop in my head as I read

[adamfanti11i]

adam fantilli with his 15th on the season in his 100th nhl game // cbj @ vgk, 01.30.2025

[loathsomespider]

tumblrs tag following feature is so good like. people who follow tags because they earnestly want to see that content in their feed are so funny. mostly because. im sorry. theyre incredibly easy to fuck with. like. for every tag that exists theres 5-10 people who follow it and will write a "fuck this, fuck you" post at you, basically unprompted

[thebananwithaplan]

she's handing him an inconspicuous record like it's some sort of illegal merch. it doesn't stand out much, just your standard, black vinyl-- wait.

ah.

it says "Boots Randolph's Yakety Sax" on the label.

Finally, something that is NOT food. (Accepting!)

. "Ooooh, whatcha got there?" DB takes the record from her paws. Whoo. He can't recall the last time seeing one of these in per-"

. "NO WAY!!! YOU FOUND IT!!!! THE O.G. OF NIGHTCORE MIXES!!!!"

...Wait, what-

[softwaluigi]

ok continuing rgu finally and I'm having a good time (for now) but I'm so high and there was literally just a solid 2 minute scene where they basically reused the same 4 cels in sequence

[literallybyronic]

when you've been watching EA be EA since the 1990s and have been portenting BioWare's doom for nearly a decade at this point:

[artbyblastweave]

In college I was working on a short film for a class that was about a hapless go-getter intern at a big company who, in the midst of a slow-burn zombie apocalypse, gets drafted by his supervisor to go into the company's old offices in an overrun part of town in order to retrieve "sensitive materials" from a corner office (salacious photos of the entire upper management at a recent retreat) in exchange for a promotion. In addition to having to do a yakety-sax routine with all the zombies, he then finds himself engaged in a battle royale with like eight other interns from other departments who got the same offer from their bosses (all of whom are also in the photographs) and things devolve from there.

I never finished it, partly because the scope of the story ballooned past the page count limit for the assignment. But the big reason was that the unanimous feedback from everyone else in the class, and the instructor, was that the protagonist's comically, flamboyantly amoral supervisor was the most entertaining character present in what I did write. This presented an issue, because the entire point is that the supervisor, despite his superficial charm, is utterly morally bankrupt in how removes himself from the narrative in the second and third acts by virtue of his unwillingness to get his own hands dirty. If he sticks around for the rest of the story (I.E goes into the hot zone alongside the protagonist) he becomes too sympathetic for the core joke about the power dynamic to function- he becomes the guy you would, by default want to see win this petty interdepartmental grudge match, the most deserving in a virtue ethics sense. And if he doesn't stick around, yeah, we're back to "why wasn't this story about the fun Cave-Johnson-type guy instead?" Ultimately I couldn't find a timely workaround for this and went with a different project. But this was illustrative of something, I think

[yellowocaballero]

Naruto Roleswap AU: Kakashi's a wifeguy, Rin's a Girlboss, and Itachi gets adopted

“Do you think we’re the baddies?”

The Mizukage’s pen froze on her paperwork. She looked up and squinted at Kakashi, as if attempting valiantly to discern his twisted mind and failing utterly. “‘Baddies’?”

“You know,” Kakashi elaborated, “the bad guys. The bullies. People who enjoy indiscriminately murdering, maiming, genocide, the works.” 

The Mizukage looked appalled. “Of course we aren’t. Where did you get that idea?” Kakashi shrugged limply. “We’re working for world peace, Kakashi. Of course we’re the good guys. What else would we be?”

Kakashi scratched at his neck. “Do traditional definitions of world peace include putting the world under a mass genjutsu? Or destabilizing foreign governments?”

“We did those governments a favor,” the Mizukage said frankly. “Kiri’s prospering. And mass genjutsu is the only way to keep people from killing each other. Honestly, Kakashi, if there’s one good guy in the world then it’s us.”

“I thought that was Yahiko.”

“Us and Yahiko,” the Mizukage amended. She thought for a second. “And Tobi, of course.” She thought harder. “No, it’s unfair to put us on the same level as Yahiko and Tobi.”

“So we are the baddies.”

Kakashi and his girlfriend are in the market to adopt, and the Akatsuki is a great place to raise two rambunctious children. The consent of the children isn't neccesary for this. Oneesama knows best, and if you trust in the process then a beautiful utopia can become possible. Or, alternatively, if you don't care about the process or how many atrocities you commit, then you can put off killing yourself from sheer boredom for a few more years.

Tragedy plus time equals a comedy, and you can believe anything if you have no other choice.

This one's very different tonally from the rest of the AU, but that's what I like about it. I ended up really loving writing Kakashi, and I'll have to find the exuse to write more of this funny narration in the future. Parts of this crossover with the previous installment of this AU, and they're very much intended to be read side by side. The good guys sitting around sobbing from despair as the bad guys have yakety sax hijinks was very funny to me. 7k of Kakashi's Crippling Depression Adventures In The Akatsuki under the cut.

“Do you think we’re the baddies?”

The Mizukage’s pen froze on her paperwork. She looked up and squinted at Kakashi, as if attempting valiantly to discern his twisted mind and failing utterly. “‘Baddies’?”

“You know,” Kakashi elaborated, “the bad guys. The bullies. People who enjoy indiscriminately murdering, maiming, genocide, the works.” 

The Mizukage looked appalled. “Of course we aren’t. Where did you get that idea?” Kakashi shrugged limply. “We’re working for world peace, Kakashi. Of course we’re the good guys. What else would we be?”

Kakashi scratched at his neck. “Do traditional definitions of world peace include putting the world under a mass genjutsu? Or destabilizing foreign governments?”

“We did those governments a favor,” the Mizukage said frankly. “Kiri’s prospering. And mass genjutsu is the only way to keep people from killing each other. Honestly, Kakashi, if there’s one good guy in the world then it’s us.”

“I thought that was Yahiko.”

“Us and Yahiko,” the Mizukage amended. She thought for a second. “And Tobi, of course.” She thought harder. “No, it’s unfair to put us on the same level as Yahiko and Tobi.”

“So we are the baddies.”

“We’ve made some compromises,” the leader of the violent coup that overthrew Hanzo and made her a dictator of a hidden village allowed. “But anything’s worth it if it keeps the world safe, right?”

“Hm,” Kakashi said, contemplating the Kyuubi’s attack on the village and the Minato/Kushina dual murders. “Well, can’t argue with that.” 

“What a silly conversation.” The Mizukage went back to her paperwork, signing away at form after form. How she found the time to lead a village and shadow-lead the Akatsuki, Kakashi had no idea. Maybe she just didn’t need to sleep as often as the mere mortals. Jinchuuriki were so unfair. “Now, can you do me a favor and go pick up the baby ninja we manipulated into mass-murdering his family? He’s probably very stressed out right now, he could use some comfort.”

“I’ll drop him off with Konan.” Kakashi paused, then amended, “Yahiko.”

“Sounds great. Love you, Kakashi.”

Kakashi halted at the window, pulling his ceramic mask over his face. “Love you too, Rin.”

And, as Rin would proclaim: could you really be the baddie if you loved someone?

*

Truthfully, Itachi had barely left Konoha.

The kid had been locked in a permanent dissociative daze since he started his little genocidal adventure and it hadn’t quite lifted. He had clearly found an inn in the closest city on autopilot, paid for it via the multiple stab wounds and bloody cloak, and passed out. He had the presence of mind to perform basic first aid on himself, which was probably the only reason his wounds weren’t grievously infected. He was also pretty strung out, and clearly hadn’t slept in five days. In short, the kid had an altogether pathetic vibe to him. Kakashi would sympathize if he was the type.

Kakashi knocked on the door to Itachi’s room. He waited a polite thirty seconds before knocking again. Then he teleported the door into Kamui - he always made a little ‘yoink!’ sound effect in his head - and walked into the room. 

Itachi’s attempt at stabbing him was, frankly, tragic. The Uchiha must have been half grannies. Kakashi blocked the blow with his sheathed tanto, exquisitely bored, before pushing the boy backwards. Itachi turned his stumble into a flip and landed on the bed, already charging another fire jutsu in his hands. Some people really were overachievers. 

Kakashi sheathed his tanto and lazily raised both hands. “Is this how you welcome your friends, Itachi-kun?”

Itachi’s face was bone white, and his entire body was shaking. His first aid attempts were lacking. He needed a doctor badly. It was a testament to the sheer dissociative power of his insane little mind that he was conscious at all. “I have no friends.”

Objectively true statement. Kid caught on fast. “You have me, if that counts for anything.” Judging by Itachi’s murder eyes, it did not. “I’m a representative of an organization that’s interested in recruiting you. Why don’t you hear us out?”

“You know what I just did,” Itachi said dully. “No organization I should join would have me as a member. I’m uninterested. Leave.”

“Maa, that’s too bad.” Kakashi scratched at his neck, jostling his ceramic mask. “You don’t want to see your friend again? What was his name - Shisui Uchiha?”

Itachi froze. The fire jutsu flared upwards, and his Sharingan began to spin. 

“Relax, we didn’t kidnap him. We rescued him. Like we’re interested in rescuing you.” Kakashi held out his hand, tilting his head. “Nobody in this world will help you now, Itachi-kun. Nobody but us. We will help you.”

Itachi pulled backwards, mouth thinning, but Kakashi could see it. He knew how Itachi wanted to lean in. He was thirteen years old and his parents were dead. Never mind the details. “Will you take me to Shisui?”

“Sure. We got the best doctor in the continent too.”

The conclusion was foregone. Itachi had no other choice. He was alone, and he was dying, and he didn’t care if he died. People like that always took the first hand that came along. It was the best time to nab people: when they were at their most vulnerable, their most susceptible, their most trusting. Ask Kakashi how he knew. Better yet - don’t. 

Itachi took Kakashi’s hand, and he teleported them both away. 

*

Akatsuki HQ was nice digs. 

For Ame. By the standards of anywhere that wasn’t Ame, it was the dreariest yet most nondescript building anybody had ever seen. The sky was always dark grey and the clouds were always pouring rain. The buildings had a pre-fab brutalist flair and you could always count on some ominous lightning to provide atmosphere. Ame permanently felt like the setting of a horror movie. Seeing as Kakashi’s life was a horror movie, it had to feel a little appropriate. 

But Yahiko brought the sunshine. Wherever he went was all good weather. Shaking his hand made you feel as if the sun was shining, and when he entered a room he brought blue skies. It was like the rain didn’t even pour on it. He reminded Kakashi of Tobi’s best friend, which was the most back-handed compliment you could give a person. 

The major difference between the two was that everybody liked Yahiko. Ame had one political party and it was the cult of Yahiko. Konan would blow up a small village for him. Even Rin waved her M/F/M/F polycule books in his face and gave him significant eyebrows. If Rin died overnight, he was their best hope for world peace. No genjutsu necessary - just sheer force of personality and beautiful vibes.

Personally, Kakashi just liked how easy he was to manipulate.

“Konoha made him do what?” Yahiko gasped. “Those bastards! They call themselves the nice village?”

Kakashi shrugged. “What can I say. We defected for a reason.” 

“That’s disgusting. They’d make a thirteen year old do that to his own family? He’s a child!” Yahiko chewed at his thumbnail, thinking furiously. “Even Kiri at its worst never forced its children to cleanse their own bloodline! After what they did to your teammate, too…maybe it’s just something about those Uchihas.”

“Guess we don’t have to worry about them anymore,” Kakashi said diplomatically. 

They were waiting in the hallway outside of Itachi’s operating room. Yahiko had done the absolute predictable and called Rin the second he saw Kakashi lugging a half-dead teenager into his HQ. She flew in like an angel and descended on the poor child in her infinite grace, earning Yahiko’s eternal gratefulness for her beneficence upon the infant he had met five seconds ago and loved as if he was his own. What could Kakashi say? Some people were heavenly spirits walking the earth. 

“We can bring him into Ame for sure,” Yahiko said, truly fired up. Kakashi hadn’t even asked? “I’ve invented this new thing, I’ve tentatively named it therapy no jutsu, and I think Itachi-kun would be a perfect early adopter. I have this dream, right, that we can take insane people and make them less insane -”

“Sounds like a great idea,” Kakashi lied. Spirits above, what a freak. “Why don’t you go get Itachi’s new citizenship settled out? My partner and I will catch him up to speed.”

“Good idea. I’m not doing much just loitering around like this.” Yahiko nodded professionally at him, and Kakashi bowed back. As always, Yahiko ruined any sense of propriety with a bright smile. “Then we’ll finally go on that double date, right? Rin-sama and I have been trying to find a time that works with our schedules for ages. We’re thinking that seafood place near the harbor.”

No. The double date was not happening. The double date would never happen. Because Kakashi knew full well what Rin and Konan were angling for and he was not going along with it. Even if Yahiko and Konan were admittedly kinda - 

The door opened, saving Kakashi from a train of thought even worse than the denial. Rin poked her head out, sweaty but fresh and smiling. Yahiko immediately smiled at her, and she smiled happily back at him. Like Kakashi, she was dressed down in her Akatsuki gear. She didn’t wear a mask in her Mizukage or her Akatsuki get-up, but at Akatsuki HQ she tended to pass herself off as an unassuming household medic. After all this time, Rin was still excellent at playing innocent. 

“Itachi-kun’s well enough to receive visitors,” Rin said cheerfully. “Do you want to meet him, Yahiko-sama?” 

Yahiko pumped his fist, grinning. “Yeah! We’ll give him a real Akatsuki welcome!”

As it turned out, a ‘real Akatsuki welcome’ involved mochi. Itachi stared at it, flabbergasted. He still looked pale, but Kakashi could tell that Rin had done her usual excellent job - his body seemed to be free of injuries, and he probably felt like a spring chicken. She had moved him from the ominous operating room (never there for a good reason; bad vibes) into the infirmary (worse than the operating room because you were generally awake to experience it; atrocious vibes)

“I’m so sorry to hear about your family, Itachi-kun,” Yahiko said firmly, shoving the mochi at Itachi. Itachi blinked at it, somehow violently. Rin sympathetically took the box and placed it at his bedside. “We know how hard losing your family can be.”

Itachi stared at Yahiko for a long second. Finally, he rasped, “I killed my family.” 

“Konoha forced you to kill your family,” Yahiko corrected. “It’s hardly your fault, Itachi-kun. You were manipulated. You can’t ever forget who your real enemies are.”

“Or your real friends,” Rin said gently. She sat down next to Itachi, blasting her best ‘soft and motherly’ smile at him full throttle. “You can call me Rin-san, Itachi-kun. The man in the mask is my partner Hound, and the ray of sunshine over there is the leader of Ame, Yahiko-sama. If I know him correctly, I can guess he already has a proposition for you.” 

Itachi immediately shook his head, pushing himself fully upright. “I’m not interested in any -”

Rin put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him back down. Itachi fell back onto the bed, shocked by the force. “Just hear us out.” 

Itachi’s eyes flickered to Kakashi. He undoubtedly recognized him, Hound mask or clean faced. Kakashi winked at him. Itachi’s eyebrows tilted. Long experience with Uchihas helped him interpret the gesture. Kakashi held up one finger. Patience. 

“You’re welcome to live in Ame if you want, Itachi-kun. We’ll protect you. But I have another proposal for you.” Wow. Wonder what that would be. It couldn’t possibly be the same proposal Rin had been hinting at ever since Kakashi lugged Itachi’s sorry ass back to the village. “Are you a pacifist, Itachi-kun?”

Itachi was silent. His eyebrows screamed - ‘I killed my family!’.

Amazingly, Yahiko was able to interpret that. Must be Konan’s influence. She was a stoic one. And somewhat surly. “Only those who’ve experienced the worst violence know the value of true peace. Those of us who truly seek peace and prosperity have all experienced the worst of humanity. Your experiences are why I think you can become a pacifist who can protect your precious people. That can become the purpose of your life.”

It was abundantly clear that Itachi did not give a single fuck about any sort of philosophy right now. The second Rin removed her hand he forced himself upright again, and he ignored her danger eyebrows. One was only foolish enough to ignore those once, Itachi. “Where’s Shisui.”

Yahiko glanced at Rin, frowning lightly. “Do you know who that is?”

“Remember the half-dead kid Hound fished from the river?” Rin said cheerfully. Yahiko made a noise of comprehension. “Apparently he’s a Uchiha too. He faked his death before the massacre. He’s the reason why Hound investigated the massacre at all. He’s been in a coma since we rescued him. He didn’t have to work very hard to fake his death - he was very badly hurt.” She looked down at Itachi, who was pale with shock. “Would you like to see him? He’s in the long-term infirmary in the other room.”

Dumbly, Itachi nodded. Kakashi silently tallied up the lies and omissions of truth in those sentences. Nowhere near her best, but not nothing. 

“Then I’ll get somebody on Itachi-kun’s citizenship paperwork.” Yahiko jokingly half-saluted, which was a terrible look on a leader of a city state. “I’ll put Itachi-kun’s future in your capable hands, Rin-sama.”

Rin smiled gently at Yahiko. “There’s nothing I value more.”

They waited until Yahiko had left the room and his chakra signature had long since retreated before Rin spoke again. Itachi was looking increasingly wild, and when he forced himself to stand up Rin didn’t stop him. She just rose with him, carefully straightening the infirmary bed behind him. 

“Yahiko-sama truly is one of the kindest people I know,” Rin said to Itachi. He still looked a little flabbergasted by the welcome. It was all in the eyebrows. “You’ll see things our way. Everybody does eventually.”

“Darling, let’s save talk like that for after the recruitment.”

“What did I say?” Rin asked, for all appearances genuinely surprised. “Isn’t it a good thing that people agree with us?”

Yes, after the - let’s count it, the military coups, manipulations, genjutsus, etc, etc…

“Can’t argue with that,” Kakashi said blandly. 

Itachi brushed past them both and walked towards the long-term infirmary door, opening it immediately and walking inside. Guess they had been too busy teaching this kid how to kill people instead of any manners.

Atrociously, Rin crossed her arms and sighed fondly. “He really reminds you of him, huh?”

“If I remember correctly, that seems to be the whole problem.” Kakashi shot Rin a canny look, who looked innocently up at the ceiling. “No adoption.”

“You’re always saying some needy orphan will come our way! He’s the definition of a needy orphan, isn’t he?”

“Darling, he killed his parents.”

Frankly, Rin said, “He’s not special.”

True but very unwelcome sentence. As usual.

Rin was good on her promises, as always. Shisui was the sole inhabitant of the long-term infirmary, hooked up to a few monitors but otherwise sleeping peacefully. He seemed completely cured of his extensive injuries. His face was flush with color and both of his eyes were intact. A testament to Rin’s skill - he had been found gripping one eye in a chakra-infused bubble. But she had some practice with fucked up Sharingan transplants. It had taken years before she figured out how to undo Madara’s patchwork job and re-implanted Kakashi’s eye with a functional chakra network. 

Itachi was already at Shisui’s bedside. The kid had his Sharingan activated, scanning his body for injuries and finding none. Kakashi idly wondered whose Mangeyko was stronger. Itachi probably beat him out by virtue of having two and his ability to summon Susanoo, but kamui was a far more useful skill than Amaterasu or some lame torture dimension. As always, Obito was the best. Or he would be, if he was intact.

“He’s healthy.” Again, only long experience with Obito gave Kakashi the ability to interpret his frustration. “Why is he still asleep.”

“Oh, that’s all me,” Rin said cheerfully. “The coma is artificially induced.”

In the course of a millisecond, Itachi’s kunai were flying. Kakashi was faster. He opened up kamui and swallowed up the kunai. Itachi paused half a second, stunned and confused. It was more than enough time for Kakashi to press his own kunai to Itachi’s neck, standing behind Itachi with his other arm looped over his neck.

“You aren’t irreplaceable, Itachi,” Kakashi panned. “There’s a spare. Right?”

Itachi froze. Rin titled her eyebrows at Kakashi, relentlessly good cop’ing. “Let’s not threaten our new recruit, Hound. Let’s all put the kunai away and talk like civilized ninjas, huh?”

 Seeing as Itachi’s kunai had been warped to the Box Dimension (Feat. Box, Guest Starring Box), the comment had been directed at him. Kakashi stepped away from Itachi, making a show of putting away his kunai and returning to Rin’s side. More than one person had remarked how accurate his codename was. Got funnier each time. Not. 

“Here’s the shakedown, Itachi-kun. Listen closely.” Rin sat down at Shisui’s bedside, graceful and refined. “You’re alone in the world. Yes or no?”

Itachi, standing at the opposite side of Shisui’s bed, stared at her in hostility. 

“You’re a missing nin. You’re probably already in the Bingo Book with an SSS class bounty on your head. Yes or yes?”

Itachi was silent.

“It must be scary. But Konoha’s still backing you, isn’t it?” Rin hid a smile behind a hand. “You’ve been instructed to act as a spy when necessary. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were even asked to infiltrate our organization in a few years. Yes?”

Itachi was silent. He was thirteen, and he was scared.

“They’re still relying on your naivete, Itachi. After everything they’ve asked of you they still want more. They will ask for more, and more, and more. Until they ask for your death. And you intend on giving it to them, don’t you?” Rin shook her head, tsk’ing. “What a waste. The good you can do…the peace you can bring, the people you can help…the reason why you’re a genius in the first place. You’ll never realize it. You could have truly helped people, and you let the evil people use you for evil instead. It’s unfair.”

Itachi looked away, jaw clenching. He was thirteen, and he was insecure. 

Rin leaned forward, eyes arresting Itachi in place. He could not know why they felt so powerful, why Rin’s sheer presence carried such incredible weight. Maybe the weight would feel like the weight of her words - powerful, affecting, true. 

“You don’t have to make a decision now,” Rin said gently. “Spend some time here. Recover from your ordeal. Get some rest. You can make your decision when you’re ready, alright?”

And Yahiko said that he had invented therapy-no-jutsu. Rin was the undisputed master. 

Itachi looked down at Shisui. He could have been sleeping. But Kakashi knew what Itachi was seeing: his best friend killing himself, falling into the river. His pleading not to listen to Danzo. Ineffectual, in the end. Perhaps this was destiny. 

Maybe the Uchiha were always in a state of dying, died, dead. Maybe they would continuously live out this immortal cycle of fatality. Chained by their hatred. Imprisoned by their love. It was the sickest combination of all. Kakashi would know.

“Why are you keeping him in a coma?” Itachi rasped. “What do you want?”

Wow, two question marks from him. New record. Rin’s eyes flickered to Kakashi, and he took his cue. Blandly, he said, “No offense, but you have a history of double crossing. We wanted some insurance. You don’t sell us out to Konoha and we take good care of your bestie. Fair trade.”

Itachi’s expression darkened. “You’re blackmailing me.”

“If we were blackmailing you, we’d be making you join us now.” Kakashi shrugged one shoulder. “We want you to make a choice. We’re just taking care of Shisui-kun until you do.”

And, in the end, Itachi didn’t hesitate. Maybe that was his problem. Maybe it always would be. Five days of no sleep and a Uchiha’s love and a ninja’s tendency to choose violence first - shaken and stirred, you ended up with a dangerously impulsive thirteen year old. The importance of the thirteen year old aspect here really couldn’t be understated. 

“I’ll join,” Itachi said immediately. “I’ll do whatever you want. Just wake up Shisui.”

Hilariously, Rin looked crestfallen. “We aren’t trying to blackmail you, Itachi-kun. A mission of peace and goodness can’t start on a bedrock of pain. How about you take some time and -”

“I don’t care.” Wow. Nobody interrupted Rin anymore. “I don’t care about anything anymore. I will kill whoever you want. I will be whatever you want. Wake him up.”

Rin pressed her hands to her cheeks, sighing. “Oh, you are just too cute! You’re like a little copy of Hound! Hound, don’t you see why -”

“This is a bad start to that sort of relationship.”

“Oh, what does that matter!”

A lot, Rin. It mattered a lot.

Meanwhile, Itachi was looking increasingly frustrated (eyebrows at 20 degree angle instead of 15). “Wake him up.”

Wow. That was dangerously close to an inflection. Rin just tilted her head, affecting a somewhat thoughtful look. “I don’t think I will, actually.” Itachi’s face did a dangerous thing. “Calm down. Let’s say…in a month? That seems fair.”

Itachi clenched his jaw. What could he say? It was either Shisui waking up in a month or not at all. If Rin wanted to stretch this out for half a year, she could. Goodness knows she could keep Itachi on the hook for that long. Under other circumstances she would probably do it. But keeping Shunshin no Shisui off the board for that long was a stupid move. Privately, Kakashi thought he might be a bit of a wild card. Shisui was even more idiotically loyal to his village than Itachi. He definitely loved his family more, and he might have beef about the clan genocide thing. They couldn’t exactly genjutsu him into submission. But Rin was confident in her ability to control him - sorry, ‘recruit him’ - and Kakashi would always follow her lead.

“Why.”

Rin affected a look of surprise. “Didn’t your parents ever punish you? Maybe you were an obedient boy, but I hear the Uchiha have a ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ philosophy.”

Yeah, Obito had been beaten by his Uchiha mentors regularly. Team Minato all knew and none of them talked about it. Much later, Rin told him that Minato had tried speaking to Obito’s family about it and had gotten royally shut down. Rin always healed him in silence, and Kakashi already read out passages from his mystery novels that were guaranteed to drive Obito insane with their stupidity. 

Tobi cried when people yelled at him. Surprise, surprise. 

“You are not my parents,” Itachi said harshly. Not if Rin had anything to say about it. “You look twenty three. Do not play pretend.”

“Wow,” Kakashi said. “That was so accurate. The white hair always throws people off.”

Rin just looked a little crushed. “I guess onee-sama’s alright for now.”

“What did I do.”

For the first time, Rin sobered. She leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees, and brought the full force of her deceptive brown eyes down upon Itachi. He probably wasn’t used to such power anymore. He couldn’t possibly identify it. Kakashi wondered idly if Rin was scarier than Danzo. Damn, he hoped so. If she wasn’t…well, he’d learn.

Crisply, Rin said, “You were given explicit instructions not to hurt Obito Uchiha.”

It was clearly not what Itachi expected to hear. His eyebrows furrowed minutely. “How did you know that.”

“How did we know about the true nature of the massacre at all?” Rin asked rhetorically, dodging the question. “You were told to use Tsukuyomi to place him under a non-tortuous genjutsu. You ended up fighting him. I saw his injuries.” Left unsaid: yeah, and they had seen Itachi’s injuries too. Only half of them were from killing 200 plus people. The other half was from one extremely angry guy. “It was against instructions.”

“Your instructions?” Itachi asked sharply. “What -”

“Of course not,” Rin blatantly lied. “Many people are interested in keeping Obito Uchiha intact. You shouldn’t have touched him.”

“He broke out of the Tsukuyomi. It should have been impossible.” Itachi frowned lightly. “Sparing Sasuke is explainable. It would have been suspicious if I had left Tobi untouched.”

“A lack of injuries could have been explained as a complete avoidance of a fight. Injuries implied that he fought you and won. It’s more suspicious.” Left unsaid: Rin had been harvesting a shitton of eyes and swooped in at the last minute to heal his injuries before anybody noticed. Entirely possible that Obito thought the entire fight was one awful dream. Sure as hell had repressed way more minor shit. 

“It should have been impossible to break free of the Tsukuyomi,” Itachi repeated. “He possessed the Mangekyo and an arm that could imitate the Mokuton. That should have also been impossible. I came far closer to losing that fight than I should have. That should have been impossible too. At his prime - perhaps. But not now. He clearly does not know he can protect himself. That is why Shisui and I -” Itachi stopped short, and did not resume speaking.

Kakashi stuck his hands in his pockets, slouching magnificently. “You tried to negotiate to spare Obito Uchiha too, didn’t you?” Itachi’s lips thinned. Rin’s expression softened, which was the real reason for saying it. “Of course they didn’t let you. The village has wanted him out of the way for years. He’s an embarrassment. And Danzo’s always suspected that he had an undisclosed gift. But he’s one of three people left who you love, isn’t he?” Rough not to count his parents - he probably thought he did love his parents - but the truth was the truth. “It’s not too late to make up for what you’ve done. How you almost killed him. We can help you protect him.”

“And what do you have to gain from that.”

“You have people you love who can’t give anything in return,” Rin said softly. “Is it so strange that we feel the same?”

Itachi hesitated. Conflict warred in his countenance. Goes to show - when he’s actually in the  process of being convinced, he’s far less compliant. Maybe they should have just told him to shut up and get with the program. But Rin did have ‘Rin-oneesama’ dreams. Couldn’t crush those.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. “Of course, you tortured Sasuke Uchiha into becoming a tool for your suicide for…power or something? Who knows. So maybe you don’t know.” Ah, there was the good old Itachi Uchiha self-hatred. Kakashi could read this kid like a book already. “Don’t blame us for wanting a little insurance. With the program?”

Quietly, Itachi said, “Yes.”

“That’s a yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Address Rin-sama first, usually.”

Itachi turned to Rin and bowed at the waist.  “Yes, Rin-sama.”

“You are so cute,” Rin gushed. “Why don’t you run off and get the grand tour of the place from Yahiko? He’s always wanted a kid around to big brother. It’ll be a lot of fun for you, promise!” Lie. Yahiko was overwhelming when he decided to big brother you. Nagato had probably killed himself in self-defense.

“Yes, Rin-sama.”

“He’s so polite, Hound!”

Rin in a nutshell. 

As Itachi’s hand lingered on the doorknob, he turned back to look at Shisui one last time. It was clear he wanted to stay in the room with him. It was clear that he didn’t want to leave. But Itachi understood that he had jumped from the frying pan into the cleansing fire, and the bright boy already knew the score. When he returned to the long-term infirmary the door would be locked. He would know better than to try and unlock it. Rin really was a little pissy about the Obito thing. 

They waited a little while for Itachi to leave earshot before speaking again. Rin smiled, clapping her hands. “What did I tell you, Kakashi? He’s just too cute! Doesn’t he need a helping hand?”

“Slow your roll,” Kakashi drawled. “He needs a master more than love right now. He won’t believe he deserves the love. He only understands a master. I know a dog when I see one.”

“That’s why we’re a tag team.” Rin winked at him. It was adorable. “A master holds a leash to contain their hound. But the hound that truly loves the master stays at his side voluntarily.”

They really had to do something about his codename. But, of course, that had been the point. Although he knew it would be completely pointless, Kakashi said, “So the Infinite Tsukuyomi plan…which one do you think that might be? The leash or the love?”

“It’s both. A leash is the kindest thing you can do for humanity. Stops them from running off cliffs, getting run over by carriages, running afoul of cruel humans…you have to train with a leash before a hound is ready to run on its own.” Rin sighed, leaning on the nightstand and looking at Shisui. “But the regular person won’t understand that. We have to save them one person at a time until we can save the world. We saved Itachi from those monstrous, uncaring Uchiha. He’ll understand that one day. Everybody deserves a utopia except the system that would ruin it, right?”

Kakashi shrugged. “Sure.”

Rin shot him a flat look. “One of these days I’ll convince you to have an opinion about something.”

“I have an opinion about you and Obito,” Kakashi said cheekily, and he was rewarded with a soft smile. Granted, it was indistinguishable from her fake ones, but he had the benefit of trust. “Speaking of which, I think I’ll go visit him. Want to come with?”

But Rin just looked away, ghosting a hand over Shisui’s prone face. “No. If you say he’s safe, he’s safe.”

Kakashi lowered his voice. This, of all things, was her one true point of vulnerability. But Obito had always been their weakness. “You deserve to see him.” Rin’s hand halted over Shisui’s nose and mouth. “You aren’t dirty, Rin.”

“I’m weak,” Rin said softly. She placed her hand over Shisui’s nose and mouth. “If I saw him…I’d ruin it all.”

She pressed down. 

“You’re the strongest person I know. Seeing his face might make this easier to bear.” Shisui’s chest began to rise and fall faster and faster, struggling for breath. “You should at least try.”

“When the world is good,” Rin whispered. “When we have a world good enough for him. Obito or Tobi…I’ll create a world where either can be happy. One where he can be whoever he wants to be. He’ll feel safe. That’s when I will be able to face him again.”

And, left unsaid: only an Infinite Tsukuyomi could create that world. Nothing less than a completely controlled utopia could create a world where Obito Uchiha could be himself. In that way, it was all for him.

Of course, that would leave them with a secondary problem - i.e. he would probably be terrified of them. Because they were the baddies. 

Eh. Obito was nuts too. Maybe he’d roll with it. All else fails, they could just have Shisui genjutsu him. It didn’t matter. What did?

“Call me selfish,” Kakashi drawled, sticking his hands in his pockets, “but I hope he chooses Obito. Things could be…a little closer to our hopes and dreams that way.”

If Obito was terrified of them, Tobi was all they would ever get. Sacrifices and compromises must be made. And hopes and dreams would forever remain far away.

Rin smiled, sticking out her tongue at him. “We love him no matter what,” Rin said loyally. She paused a beat. “But…call me selfish too.”

Shisui’s chest grew still. Boredly, Rin’s hand glowed with green chakra, and his heart beat again. He gasped for breath, unconscious yet fighting for his life, and his breaths evened out again. He would never even know.

Kakashi saluted her, and she blew him a kiss, and he disappeared into the world that he and Obito shared. Even if he didn’t know it yet. 

*

Who was the worse person: the woman who thought her actions were helping the world, or the man who knew their actions were evil and simply didn’t care?

Of course, this was not a question Kakashi cared about either. He always ended up asking himself these questions, because despite everything he was a chronic thinker, but he alway dismissed them just as easily. They never captured his attention. Almost nothing did, save Rin and Obito. 

And maybe Yahiko and Konan, just a bit. A little bit more every day. Some distant part of Kakashi was horrified by that. Again, most of him didn’t care. He and that sulky Konan had an understanding. 

The one man Kakashi cared about (Yahiko did not count) was sitting in a hard plastic chair in a hospital room. A child was lying in a hospital bed. Probably Sasuke, recovering from his brother’s torture genjutsu. Kakashi’s eyes glossed over him. As always, there was a helpful branch outside the window, and Kakshi settled in to watch. 

Obito - might as well call him Tobi, for clarity’s sake - seemed very out of it. He should probably be in his own hospital bed, but there was no way he would stay in another room when a baby cousin needed him by his side. So tsundere but so caring. Kakashi missed Obito’s unique brand of care. The world had tried to beat it out of him, but it just couldn’t be suffocated. How often had he scorned Rin and Kakashi for their weakness, yet took every hit for them he could in battle?  How many lunches had he packed, civilians had he rescued, lectures he had inflicted upon Kakashi about how his laziness was going to kill him?

Kakashi hesitated. He…he really wanted…

Obito had lost everything, and today he had lost the rest. His family was extinct and featured only two incompetent children. Kakashi…wanted to…

Would Rin scold him for going against orders? Undoubtedly. Who was the worse person: the woman who thought her actions were helping the world, or the man who knew their actions were evil and simply didn’t care? The woman who thought she was helping Obito, or the man who knew that they were only hurting him and simply hurt him more?

Because it was Obito, it was a question that Kakashi bothered to answer. The man who tortured him with full understanding that they were torturing him was far worse. He could stop at any time - he knew how to stop, he knew that he only needed to break away from his mindless obedience to Rin - but he never would. That would involve making his own decisions. Can’t have that.

It was a useless question anyway. Obito would never forgive either of them. And yet, Kakashi wanted…

Kakashi balanced delicately on the windowsill. He tapped on the window three times, and when Tobi didn’t respond he disarmed the security seals and let himself in. 

Only then did Tobi respond. Barely. He roused himself, blinking sleepily at the intruder in a dark cloak with red clouds and a white mask. He probably should have dressed up as an ANBU, but - well, too late now. 

Immediately, Kakashi let his Sharingan spin. He cast a minor genjutsu over Tobi - there was no minor genjutsu with the Mangekyo, but it was the best he could do. Their eyes were equally matched…obviously…but between the shock and the tiredness and barely healed injuries Kakashi’s eye came out on top. 

Tobi’s eyes immediately unfocused, and he slumped a little in his seat. The genjutsu didn’t do much - it would make this event feel unreal, closer to a dream. Prevent him from panicking or remembering this encounter too well. Alright. That worked, somehow. Bizarre to get one up on Obito. Should have felt more satisfying. Really didn’t. Kakashi just felt kind of awkward now.

Unlike Rin, he had never…really interacted with Tobi. He saw other people interacting with him all the time, but Kakashi never had the pleasure. How did other people talk to him? Smaller words, simple sentences, clear directions? Kakashi could tell that it took practice for most people. He had no idea how to do it.

Since Obito was obviou - maybe - anyway, since Obito was more mentally present than he seemed, Kakashi would just talk normally and not care. But a) Obito was committed to this bit - uh, better at understanding things than he appeared to be, and would act as if he didn’t understand anyway, and b) there was no possible way that Obito was home right now. If Obito was ever home, obviously. But Obito had been home less and less as the years went by, and Kakashi could already tell that he would withdraw deep inside of himself for a while. 

Uh. What did he do. What did he do. Act as if he was talking to a dog, maybe? Kakashi knew dogs. He knew Rin and he knew dogs. Was that condescending?! Without a doubt, but - ah, fuck it. Kakashi couldn’t believe he was feeling some sort of anxiety about this. When was the last time he had felt anxiety? When he and Rin spent way too long trying to exterminate Zetsu from this green earth?

“Hey, Tobi,” Kakashi said softly. “How…are you?”

Tobi just frowned. Kakashi wanted to spin his Sharingan, remember the sight of him so close and speaking to him forever, but that would be more than suspicious. “Who are you?”

“A friend.” Would even Tobi buy that?! “Are you okay? You seem like you’ve been through a lot.” Did that work? Damn, at least he could normally depend on Obito to filter this shit. “Um. I know you’re hurt.”

“Tobi’s not okay,” Tobi said frankly. He looked over at Sasuke, sleeping so peacefully. So he either bought it or didn’t give a shit. Relatable. “Tobi’s not gonna be okay again.”

“That’s not true. One day everything will be okay.” A lump formed in Kakashi’s throat, and he forced himself to swallow it down. “I know it hurts now. But it has to hurt now.”

“Why?” Tobi asked. So plaintively. He didn’t understand.

And Kakashi could only hesitate. How could he explain this? How could he possibly explain the true nature of the world in a way that Tobi - right here, right now - could understand? Sacrifices and compromises had to be made. Kakashi and Rin were the only ones who knew that. 

Maybe Rin was good at explaining it. But she was a zealot - a fanatic who truly believed what she was saying. She was persuasive, earnest, manipulative. Kakashi was absolutely none of these things. And everybody said she had been good with Tobi. She would have been able to explain the world in her simple, beautiful way. Kakashi thought too much. He always had. There was nothing else to do, staring at clouds.

Slowly, Kakashi said, “You know how…when you break a bone, and it heals badly. You have to break it again so it sets right?” Tobi frowned, but he nodded. So he still remembered the many, many, many broken bones he had suffered. “It’s like that. The world has to heal. So it must be broken. When it heals, we’ll all be happy. Got it?”

But Tobi just frowned. Damn, and Kakashi had been pretty proud of that one. “Itachi-kun broke. Is he gonna heal?”

Kakashi hesitated. Rin would have said yes. Rin would genuinely believe that this suffering was necessary to heal Itachi, and that through her loving oneesama guidance he would become happy and fulfilled. Kakashi couldn’t say the same. What the kid needed was retirement and flower garden and a normal-ass foster parent, not a war under another flag. 

Well, time to pull an old Rin special. Also, like, a frequent tactic anybody used when dealing with Tobi. 

“Sure,” Kakashi lied. “Wait a little bit. He’ll become your friend again. You’ll like that, right?” Tobi nodded eagerly. Wow, he was stupid. “Do you…want to see your friends again?” Tobi nodded even more empathetically. “I can show you your friends again.”

Kakashi hadn’t thought about the words before he said them. Maybe Tobi was contagious like that. But Tobi’s unfocused eyes were already widening, his posture straightening a little. “Gai’s here too?”

And before he could think about it, before he could realize what a bad idea it was, Kakashi stretched out his hand. He found his voice lowering, falling into a gentle lilt. “I can take you to Itachi-kun. But I can take you to Shisui too. And Rin. And…Kakashi. Would you like that?”

Tobi looked a little skeptical. Well, even he understood the concept of mortality. “Shisui-kun and Rin-chan and Kakashi-kun are dead. Um, that’s why I have their stuff. And why Kakashi-kun’s house is lonely.”

“Minato-sen - your sensei and your nee-chan are dead.” Rin would say good riddance. Kakashi - eh. “But Shisui and Rin and Kakashi just went somewhere else. I can take you to them. Is that what you want?”

“Someplace else?” Tobi asked, eyes widening. “No…I saw them…”

“Just a bad dream,” Kakashi said. “That’s all.” He stretched his hand out further, leaving it in early reach of Tobi. “You can at least see them. Just to be sure. Then you can see for yourself that they’re okay. We’ll be quick.”

Tobi's face was so innocent. It was impressive - the clearest contrast to Rin’s own innocent face. There was no similarity. It shouldn’t be true. Weren’t they equally…?

Tobi reached out to Kakashi. Kakashi held his breath. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted this. This, this one thing, this desire - so overpowering, like a raging flame, like a bolt of lightning. It was addictive. If Obito just came home, then -

Tobi froze. “What about Sasuke?”

“What about him?” Kakashi asked blankly. 

And Tobi’s hand retreated. He looked to the bed, at the sleeping child. “If Tobi goes, Sasuke’s alone. I can’t let him be hurt alone. He needs me.” Tobi looked back at Kakashi, shaking his head firmly. “Tobi’s friends don’t need Tobi. Sasuke needs me. Tobi’s sorry, Dog-man, but Tobi can’t leave.”

Of course he couldn’t. He wouldn’t be the Obito they knew if he could. He wouldn’t be the man he and Rin loved if he made that choice.

If there were baddies, there were good guys. That was inherent. Obito was, and always would be, a good guy. That - and only that - would always keep them apart. 

“Your friend will be watching over you,” Kakashi rasped. “Always. So…don’t be sad. And don’t be scared. Your friends are doing it all for you.”

Tobi…squinted at him. For just a second, his eyes seemed clear. “Doing what?”

Uh oh. Kakashi cast a hasty genjutsu, and Tobi - Obito? Just for a second? - slumped in his seat. Kakashi stepped through kamui into…Kamui, just as quickly. This had been his worst idea of the last two years, which said a gratuitous amount.

Why was Rin breaking the bone? Well, for world peace. Love, friendship, harmony, death to the real baddies, etc. For Obito. For a world that deserved him, and where he could feel safe. Where Tobi could put Tobi down and become Obito again, if that was what he wanted. If he could. If that wasn’t possible - if Kakashi and Rin were too late to save him - then all Rin wanted was to create a world where Tobi could live happily and safely.

Why was Kakashi doing this? So he could be with Rin and Obito.

And the worse person of the two was obvious.

[mysterycitrus]

i think damian is right about everything he's ever said or done. source: imagine this panel but with yakety sax going in the background.

this is objectively hilarious. i rest my case

i would actually sincerely love a one-shot comic that’s just tim and damian fighting each other with increasingly looney tunes-esque hijinks

damian paints a realistic tunnel that tim then runs into. tim drops an anvil on damians head. they chase each other around until alfred serves lunch, which they eat together in silence until they clear the plates and then start running around again. tim sets up a trap that cass walks through without being affected. when tim tries the same thing, he gets caught upside down. damian laughs at him before accidentally triggering the second trap and gets caught in a net right next to him.

the feud lasts sixteen straight hours until dick has to sit down with them and explain that the weird yahoo! noises they keep making at each other are very unsettling and that they should instead spend their time doing something less destructive. like playing mario kart or volunteering with the elderly

[anim-ttrpgs]

Songs for Eureka Sessions: Scooby-doo-ass Chases

Masterpost of Eureka song lists & how to choose good music for any TTRPG session.

Recipe for My Love

Seven Days a Week

Daydreamin

Love the World

Tell Me, Tell Me

Yakety Sax

Elegantly designed and thoroughly playtested, Eureka represents the culmination of three years of near-daily work from our team, as well as a lot of our own money. If you’re just now reading this and learning about Eureka for the first time, you missed the crowdfunding window unfortunately, but you can still check out the public beta on itch.io to learn more about what Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy actually is, as that is where we have all the fancy art assets, the animated trailer, links to video reviews by podcasts and youtubers, etc.!

You can also follow updates on our Kickstarter page where we post regular updates on the status of our progress finishing the game and getting it ready for final release.

Beta Copies through the Patreon

If you want more, you can download regularly updated playable beta versions of Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy earlier, plus extra content such as adventure modules by subscribing to our Patreon at the $5 tier or higher. Subscribing to our patreon also grants you access to our patreon discord server where you can talk to us directly and offer valuable feedback on our progress and projects.

The A.N.I.M. TTRPG Book Club

If you would like to meet the A.N.I.M. team and even have a chance to play Eureka with us, you can join the A.N.I.M. TTRPG Book Club discord server. It’s also just a great place to talk and discuss TTRPGs, so there is no schedule obligation, but the main purpose of it is to nominate, vote on, then read, discuss, and play different indie TTRPGs. We put playgroups together based on scheduling compatibility, so it’s all extremely flexible. This is a free discord server, separate from our patreon exclusive one. https://discord.gg/7jdP8FBPes

Other Stuff

We also have a ko-fi and merchandise if you just wanna give us more money for any reason.

We hope to see you there, and that you will help our dreams come true and launch our careers as indie TTRPG developers with a bang by getting us to our base goal and blowing those stretch goals out of the water, and fight back against WotC's monopoly on the entire hobby. Wish us luck.

[greatwesternway]

Thomas and Friends S13E05 "Slippy Sodor"

So "Slippy Sodor". Kind of a middling episode, far as that goes during this time period. Not much of substance actually happens, three strike rule adherence, ridiculous freight. That said, you can see them experimenting a bit and testing the boundaries that the CGI expands over the model series in this one.

So the episode starts out by telling us that Mr. Bubbles and his clown show are coming to town and everyone's real excited about it...

Except for Thomas, who has a cracked funnel.

He goes to the Steamworks to have it repaired. In the meantime, he'll have to use a loaner funnel.

Look at this bald boy.

This is the first place where you can see them playing a bit with what can be done in the CGI. Kevin pulls out a spare funnel, they'll try it on Thomas, and Victor will say it's too big or too small. They go back and forth for quite a while here, trying all the porridge so to speak, to find Thomas a funnel that fits correctly. And all the while, not only does Thomas have no lines, but there's also no narration. It's all just Victor and Kevin rolling through in almost exactly the way they do in the late seasons; slips of the hook from Kevin, patient exasperation from Victor, and they're both getting to speak normally rather than in the stilted narrator style.

A lot of this relies on two things: Kevin is very mobile and the faces are animated now. Aside from the writing, a lot of what's happening in this scene is only possible because CGI provides a lot more control over physical sight gags and because the faces being able to move also allows Victor (who can't really move otherwise) the ability to react to things he can't see but can definitely hear.

The strength of the CGI is that the faces can react in real time so they don't need the narration to give them the space to do so. In the CGI, it actually comes off a bit Wonder Years to have that shot stay on a face when the narrator is expositing.

This is incredibly useful when you've got voice actors like David Bedella and Kerry Shale (I'm sure Matt Wilkinson is great too, but my copies are the US versions) and I think these two are how they realized this was ultimately the direction to go even if it would mean abandoning some of the more unique narrative structure of the model series production. 'Cause yes, the way a story was told in the model series was very identifiably Thomas and Friends and not quite as standardized as the CGI becomes, but the broader picture is that the strength of Thomas and Friends is the characters and the CGI gives them more room to express that.

In fact, they have so much room now they they can even afford some subtlety.

Not this funnel, obvs.

They try all the funnels and unfortunately for Thomas, this is the only one they have that fits him. Why do they even have novelty funnels? Yakety Sax-ass railway.

One of my favorite things about Victor - that I am delighted to find existed as early as five episodes in - is that he is pretty aware for an engine (having bedside manner and all) and he knows that he cannot be seen to be laughing at another engine in a situation such as this, but he does have a particular delivery that does give away that he thinks this shit is funny. It's always very understated so as to be plausibly deniable, but it makes these moments funnier.

Thomas is embarrassed of his funny funnel, but Victor assures him that it's "splendid" and that, more importantly, it will allow him to go do the special Sir Topham Hatt has waiting for him at Brendham Docks.

So Mr. Bubbles has his bubble liquid in this giant barrel with no fucking lid and a couple of straps screwed into the chime to secure it. Yeah, that'll hold her! Because there's no lid on the barrel, Thomas is instructed to go to Knapford Station slowly and carefully with it so that it doesn't spill. Meanwhile, Sir Topham Hatt is going to drive Mr. Bubbles to Knapford where they'll all meet back up for his show.

Uh oh!

Well well well, if it isn't the guy who literally just learned this same lesson two episodes ago. James, of course, laughs at Thomas' funnel because no one ever learns anything on this island and Thomas tears off to get away. He forgets his instructions and the bubble liquid starts sloshing about precariously.

Then he sees Gordon at the crossing and, of course, Gordon laughs too. And off Thomas rushes again. But this time, bubble liquid actually splashes out of the barrel and onto the road.

Remember what I said about how the CGI affords them more control over physical comedy? Here, they're really taking that out for a spin. Literally.

Sir Topham Hatt hits that bubble liquid, spins out, and hydroplanes right into a muddy ditch.

They also somehow collect a backseat passenger in the accident.

Thomas comes upon Henry at the signal and Henry, of course, also laughs at Thomas' funny funnel.

So off he fkn goes, nary a care in the world for Mr. Bubbles' bubble liquid. Hatt catches up to him and Mr. Bubbles yells for him to slow down, but Thomas is in such a hurry to not be seen that he doesn't hear. As he crosses the bridge, he spills more liquid and Hatt crashes his car again, this time into a haystack.

Relax, he's fine. Woolly bear activities.

Thomas doesn't notice the crash and goes even faster.

There's a pretty dynamic shot of Hatt's car pursuing Thomas at this point where they're also playing with their camera angles and shit.

It's like the cinematic mode in Grand Theft Auto. Rad.

Anyway, Thomas doesn't see them and he's still not paying attention so he splashes more bubble liquid on the road. And you know, at this point, you'd think if you're Sir Topham Hatt and you know Thomas is splashing bubble liquid about all willy-nilly, maybe you yourself would be driving a little more carefully, but what do I fuckin' know.

Third strike is into a pond. This duck does a pretty cool little turn in the water in this shot. Maybe the story and premise is a bit thin, but honestly, maybe a thin story is a good place to fill time with your experiments with the medium.

Finally, Thomas arrives at Knapford. But as you might have guessed, he spilled all the bubble liquid out of the barrel and it's almost time for the show!

You ever think about how there's a certain point in a bottle of bubbles that there's still plenty of liquid in there but not enough to fully coat the wand anymore?

Mr. Bubbles explains that the only backup barrel of bubble liquid is back at Brendham Docks and Thomas assures him that he can get it back to Knapford on time while being very careful.

You know, Mr. Bubbles is very serious for a clown. He's very dedicated to his craft, I guess. Imagine having to call a clown "sir" though.

But, when Thomas says he can get the liquid back there in time, he does consult with the pig briefly before agreeing to give him the chance. Now that's a gag they wouldn't do in the model series. (I feel like maybe Tug noticed this too, or at least this kind of gag if not this one specifically?) It's subtle! We have room for that now!

And if you're the rare soul writing something with Mr. Bubbles in it, it gives you a hint as to how to structure a joke around him. You play him as a straight man, but then have him do something nonsensical offhandedly.

So Thomas goes to get the bubbles and he's going carefully now when he meets Edward at the crossing. And Edward... well, this is fun. Edward is all wise and shit but, like, Victor has the presence of mind not to laugh at Thomas, right? Edward? Nah! Of course, he's laughing. Quite a fun comparison! You might think it's out of character for Edward and that'd be legit orrrr you could embrace it the way some people embrace him being dismissive of non-rail vehicles. I think it gives him depth and a little fallibility he otherwise does not get to enjoy.

Thomas still doesn't like his funny funnel, but at this point (maybe because it is Edward?) he starts kinda gettin' with the program and laughing at it too.

Then he sees some children on the bridge and they laugh too, but it's becuase they apparently think he's going to be part of the show. Thomas likes that his goofy-ass funnel made them laugh. Engines do like making people happy, after all.

He arrives at Knapford with the every metric litre of bubble liquid accounted for and just in time for the show, which he also gets to attend.

And as it turns out, Mr. Bubbles' apparent stage costume includes a hat that looks just like Thomas' funny funnel. So Thomas does get to be part of the show.

You know who else got to attend the show?

The pig. I guess he'd been there so long it would have been weird not to invite him. Especially after his sage advice to let Thomas try again. We wouldn't even have arrived at this point if not for that pig's wisdom.

So morals?

Well, you might think this is the same as "Tickled Pink". It's very close in concept. The difference is, in this case, Thomas overcomes his embarrassment by laughing with others at his stupid hat. Sometimes, the answer to this problem is not simply to power through, but to be like, "I know, right? Look at this shit Victor gave me. And then he tried to convince me it was splendid! We oughta get him some clown shoes since he thinks he's a comedian."

[shadowgast-recs-weekly]

Shadowgast Recs: Polymorph Shenanigans

This week, we have thirteen fics that have Caleb or Essek using polymorph! Some cozy, some funny, and some having some sexy fun with different animal shapes! Check them out underneath the cut, and as always, comment and kudos if you liked them!

Creature Comforts by Mousecookie (4645, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Essek impulsively visits the Mighty Nein one evening during their travels. Frumpkin sits in his lap. Caleb, oddly, is nowhere to be found.

Reccer says: A beautiful fic with a surprising end that’s so beautiful. I love it,

the shape of my heart in the dark by professor (1584, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Essek asks for cats to 'schnuggle' with. An amber cat accepts the invitation.

Reccer says: I liked it!

Not a meet-cute, a bleat-cute by professor (3515, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Essek spends an afternoon collecting spell components and comes home with a pet sheep.

Reccer says: I liked it!

Nepeta by ccaleb_widogast (2037, General) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Professor Caleb accidentally transforms into a cat. He has to ask Essek for to help him turn back.

Reccer says: Really Wholesome with a bit of outsider POV

Do It For Science by Meadow (Medorikoi) (6885, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

Essek gets fucked by Calebs echo, who then polymorphs into a giant ape.

Reccer says: I love the scene they're doing. That it's for "science" and that Caleb could have lost control of himself when polymorphed as a giant ape in Aeor. So Essek has to take the ape in a controlled setting, for his safety ;)

On the Myriad Uses of Polymorph as a Method of First Aid by catgirlthecrazy (1579, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

When a fight in Aeor goes sour, Caleb turns Essek into a T-Rex to save his life.

Reccer says: Caleb in danger? T-ressek SMASH

The Artifact by Chekhov (14378, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: Author warns of a "Looney Tunes concept of peril" and that the sexual tension stays unresolved

A mysterious object is introduced into the wizards' enclosure.

Reccer says: Never have I read a story more worthy of the word "shenanigans". The nerd courting rituals are intricate, hot (though that's not the focus of the story), and - above all - hilarious. Big Yakety Sax energy throughout.

The Annual Rexxentrum Cat Show by hanap (776, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

A cat show has a rare book of spells as its prize. Polymorph shenanigans ensue.

Reccer says: This is hilarious and just gets better

a man by any other face by Mousecookie (33853, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Or, four times Caleb uses Polymorph and one time Essek does, and how both of them must navigate the transformation of the self that is beyond magic.

Reccer says: This is an emotional, gorgeous work that captures so much of the character of the wizards. It’s such a wonderful window into these characters.

good sounds by MinnesotaBruja (2787, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

Essek discovers a flustering fascination with eels, and Caleb, transmutation wizard, is all too happy to oblige his boyfriend his every desire.

Reccer says: I liked it!

Reverse Tatzelwurm by witches_chant (1803, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Technically Shapechange, but a polymorph shenanigan (gone beautifully wrong) in spirit.

Reccer says: A brilliant and very funny reinterpretation of some folklore. I like every decision that went into the shape and nature of the creature.

you can have my absence of faith by Anonymous (87745, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Dubcon/Consensual Non Consent, Male Pregnancy

Essek wants to try freaky egg-pregnancy stuff, Caleb polymorphs into a sexy Lolth spider demon to help him out with that. Then they spend a week having other kinds of domestic sex

Reccer says: There's a lot of love and understanding shared between Essek and Caleb as long-term partners who yield to each other's dark desires and unconventional wants. They're frequently roleplaying as characters and you can see the lapses of the real Essek or real Caleb every now and then, and it's really cute.

True Polymorph by guiding-bolt (4025, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Essek has always been attracted to Caleb's magic. There was no denying that. It was something of a joke, how he would throw himself at Caleb when he had done something particularly clever. When Caleb masters True Polymorph and turns himself into a dragon, it is no different.

Reccer 1 says: I love the hubris of Essek here, he's going to get that dragon dick in him whatever it takes Reccer 2 says: Amazing writing and delicious situation. Lots of love and care and a bit of size difference.

Aeor is for Lovers is an 18+ Shadowgast Discord server. The above fanfic recommendations were pulled from our community for this weekly event. All fics, unless otherwise specified, will primarily feature Shadowgast. Have any questions about what this is? Check out the FAQ! Next week, we’ll be back with some soulmates!

[deepwinterstrawberry]

my tim drake character guidelines

the following are in effect at all times:

cares about things on a scale of 1-100, in intervals of 100.

grungiest, gnarliest, nastiest little trashcan guy possible. there's cheeto dust in his armpits (spiritually and sometimes physically)

needs a shower

needs a nap

ready to kick himself in the head

inscrutably and irrevocably compelled to help others At Any Cost

rotating poly-dimensional objects and concepts in his head like one of those microwaves with the little spinning plates

every 1-2 hours, roll a d6:

Normal Guy

Normal Guy + insecurity looming over him like a distant thunderhead

he is* the smartest person in any room *thinks he is

he is* the coolest person in any room *thinks he is

neurodivergent time! pick one or more: hyper-focus, "i need to do [thing] or it's over for me/everyone" -> immediately forgets, info-dumping, brain is ITCHINGGGG -> becomes most annoying person possible, needs a strongly-flavored or carbonated beverage for enrichment

depressive episode! he is a wad of used chewing gum on the foot of the world. he deserves to be hit with hammers and shot with ballistas and run over with zambonis and he will never, ever redeem himself but he will die trying

at any given moment, pick 2:

meta-gaming every interaction

kicking himself for not meta-gaming an interaction (often combined with above)

theme music (pink panther, various nickelodeon shows, bond movies, commercial jingles, jeopardy, yakety sax) is playing in his head

self-narrating judgmentally

scheming/day-dreaming

Cool Guy Shit

paranoia

when he is presented with something new, roll a d4

this is the only Thing he cares about. he must and will learn everything about it, document all those things, then tell someone, anyone, everyone

New Thing represents all his failures as a human being. he is obsessed with it. if "normal guy + insecurity" is in effect, advance to depressive episode. If depressive episode is already in effect, add several energy drinks + paranoia.

too busy with his current Thing to notice New Thing

neurodivergent time goes into [dysfunctional] effect. he cannot focus on New Thing and it's going to kill him.

[mikkeneko]

Tagged for this one by @veliseraptor! i've not been keeping up with fandom games lately, sorry for that, but here's a thing.

rules: give us the links to your fics with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the fewest words.

Most hits - as Lise did, I knew this one without looking, because it's also my big hit from the MCU days - A Villain State of Mind , the fic I wrote to try to reconcile Loki's Avengers-era motivations and psychological state with Thor I. In retrospect, a futile endeavor, but it seemed to have struck a chord with many people. Since it has over 50,000 more hits than the next fic in that list and I still regularly get comments on it, it seems unlikely this one will ever be displaced.

Second most kudos - technically not one of mine, I wrote a one-scene addition to @cerusee's in this place where we don't have a prayer which places it here. If I skip to the one which is second most kudos of mine, it would be Cover Up the Sun , a sequel to AVSoM. However there's only a 300-kudos gap between this one and yakety sax arrangement for guqin and xiao, so perhaps that one could someday overtake?!

Third most comment (threads) - ONE ELEGANT SOLUTION, my flagship fic for the Dragon Age fandom. This one never achieved the wild successes of my MCU fics, indeed it only had a handful of regular readers but it had 80 chapters -- far and away the most of any fic or even fic series I've written -- so it had plenty of time to accumulate those comments.

Fourth most bookmarks - I do solemnly swear , alas, another MCU fic. Though Immortal Lamb Crusader Way is right under it with less than a 100 bookmark gap, and still getting attention, so it too might possibly overtake someday!

Fifth most words - Rise From Ash at 98k words - sigh - more MCU fics. These are not likely to change in rankings, but it's sandwiched right between (say hello to my) thirty million little friends  and So You Accidentally Kidnapped A Qilin for word count; MDZS ended up being a much more verbose fandom, generally speaking. I didn't write as many fics for MDZS as for other fandoms but the fics are on average a LOT longer.

And as a bonus, least words - technically the top of the list is the Artwork for OES container, but I don't think that really counts, so we'll go with Intoxicating, a Tsubasa fanfic with 250 words. Technically Dragon Age Drabbles might count for the spirit of this one, since that is several unrelated stories each at 100 words exactly that I combined for the sake of not cluttering up my fic page.

Tagging... @cerusee, maybe? @curiosity-killed?