#thoughtsonapage

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

why i started this blog when i did

hey! i know it's nanowrimo for my fellow writers who are participating. props to you. honestly, i wanted to, but i didn't feel like forcing myself to outline an idea and write something that i'm gonna abandon in a month was fair to myself or others, because that's not productive. i was in therapy for a short time, maybe two months if not a little longer. i now have to find a new therapist. long story short, i'm making this old and bland blog into a new and improved journal for myself. it's going to be nothing but my thoughts, no formatting, hell i don't even think it'll be sentences by the time i get further into it. i might just make everything bullet points. and ya know what, y'all that read it, if you so choose, are gonna have to deal. don't be a dick, is all i ask.

happy writing, my fellow people.

[curry-mean]

We’re all stars.

Like every other star in the sky, I shine brightly. Only to be diminished. 

[echoed-remnants]

Truth:

Beauty that surpasses that of the heavens

Kindness enough to fill the ocean

Randomness that forever brings joy

Love that is neverending

These all remind me of one person

The one person that whenever they leave

Take both my joy and happiness with them

For this person

I have a love that I cannot explain

A joy that puts me on clouds above the sky

A happiness that sends a pure warmth throughout my body

The angel that causes these true feelings

Is the one that will one day be my wife

When we meet, she will be

My Angel

#echoedremnants #truth #innerworkingsofadistantsoul #poetry #thoughtsonapage #impassionate #philosopher #alifeinwords #poet #thinker

[thoughtsonmypage-blog]

Just some Rambling thoughts on a Page

#poetry#thoughtsonapage#finals#stress#procrastination#art#fuckit #herewego#NQTD#bepresent#youngpoets

[distortionsanity]

this doesn't make sense

4 years old knowing that the world is yours to discover, that it doesn't matter what people think of you as long as you're having fun, that who cares if your favourite colour is green not pink, and yes, crying always helps get your way 10 years old knowing that the world is yours to discover but we don't always get what we want, that everyone in your class does care what you smell like and that yes, your mom's sick of your crying so you should probably keep your mouth shut 14 years old questioning if the world is really yours to discover. knowing that every single "friend" of yours has talked behind your back, that they didn't invite you to the movies with them for a reason and yes, your mom can hear you crying at night so you should probably quiet down. 18 years old knowing that the world is yours to discover you just can't afford it, that everyone does think it's weird that you don't like to go to parties, that he or she doesn't care if you call them back or not and yes, it's good to cry sometimes.

[ap-tang]

While all y'all fuckers are out there partying and shit, I'll be here at my usual...

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

I recently started working with the deity Hades. I've been infatuated with Greek mythology and tarot, and witchcraft since I was a kid.

I wanna speak to the souls of those who are going through so much trauma that they don't think they can get any worse or better from where they are now. You will be okay. I know that's not necessarily something you want to hear from a stranger on the internet, but you need to hear it.

There's a poem called "nothing but dead" that really speaks to my soul right now:

There are cemeteries that are lonely,

the heart moving through a tunnel,

graves full of bones that do not make a sound,

in it darkness, darkness, darkness,

like a shipwreck, we die going into ourselves,

as though we were drowning inside our hearts,

as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

- Pablo Neruda

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

WRITING UPDATE:

I have decided to give up on my Ao3 account, for now, maybe I'll return to it in the future but I need a break. I am however starting a novel that I've had roughly planned in my head since I was 16. I currently have characters created, it's loosely based on my experiences with trauma. it is a YA romance/coming-of-age type of story!

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

Finals are coming up. I've been studying my ass off for a week and I still don't feel prepared. I've been physically ill since last weekend (on and off, currently I'm fine!) and I wanna cry. I hate that I put myself through this.

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

It's now Thanksgiving. I was picked on like hell for missing my grandparents and wanting to regress to my younger mindset, getting gifts for my parents that are exact replicas of things we purchased years back. but the originals had to be thrown out. I continuously got misgendered and deadnamed. I've never written in a gendered sense, yall don't know that about me. My name is Grey, my pronouns are he/him. Hi!! What's your name? What are your pronouns? I'd love to get to know you! 

Gosh, I want something of my grandparents back..it wasn't the same without them sitting at the table or my grandfather being the one to do the prayer. It'll never be the same again. I'll always hate the holidays..

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

its cold outside

It's so cold outside. Fuck..my muscles can’t handle it worth shit. But- I love it. I love the cold because it gives me an excuse to be so physically numb that I forget my mental numbness, even if just for a minute…I wanna get out. I wanna leave America because it’s the best “out” I can do. I have an information session at 5:00 today (11.14) for what it takes to study abroad in London for 2 weeks in the month of May. That’ll be fun. I want to see some of my ancestry and study in a country that won’t bring me backlash for who I am (much). I need to breathe. I haven’t taken a full breath in gosh knows how fucking long. I didn’t wear my binder today, so it’s not like I’m struggling to breathe because of that. I haven’t worn that in months because I was giving my ribs a break and just forgot about it. It’s so quiet here, sitting in a student lounge because it’s the closest thing in the building where my last class just ended. The most I can hear is the low mumble of some people talking quietly, and the keys of my laptop clicking away as I type. There’s some sensory stimulation for ya. I need to get more stimulation toys thats not just the keypad clicker in my pocket at the moment. I need more. I need something that wont fucking annoy everyone, but that also helps me. I have three different styles of sensory toys in my book bag, I need to use the other ones and see what works for me. I need to seek something. Seek therapy, you say? I’m trying my best to not explode in the face of the worst track I've been on in months. I was finally in decent condition, and I'm right back to square one. Goddamnit, why can’t people just allow me to get the help I need without trying to shove it away? I know they can’t help it, they can’t help that my therapist is sick and neither can the therapist himself. I hope he gets better. It’ll be okay, but okay isn't what it needs to be. It needs to be better than okay. My mental health isn’t just something I can put a bandaid on anymore. 

[words-dead-to-the-outer-world]

I want to know why people are assholes. Why do people ignore you till you're at the brink of insanity? Why does my head do this to me, make me think everyone hates me because they're not "glued to their phone"? I don't know..people piss me off.

[echoed-remnants]

Trust:

Trust can be fragile yet strong..

Like a block of iron,

Solid and firm.

But if it becomes cold enough is shattered to pieces.

Once shattered,

Trust takes time to rebuild..

Even though you put on a mask and say it is alright,

Broken trust still leaves you hurting deep inside,

Awaiting repair..

For trust takes time to build,

But only a second to broken.

Never take it lightly, once you've earned it.

#echoedremnants #trust #innerworkingsofasoul #poetry #thoughtsonapage #impassionate #philosopher #alifeinwords #poet #thinker

[echoed-remnants]

Freedom

My mind is both my cage and my freedom

Both my captor and my liberator

For the mind is a place where boundaries are broken

Where rules do not apply

And where laws do not exist

But where laws do not exist chaos is born

So although I am freed by the world without laws

I am trapped by the chaos that strives within it.

#echoedremnants #freedom #innerworkingsofasoul #poetry #thoughtsonapage #impassionate #philosopher #alifeinwords #poet #thinker

[echoed-remnants]

Waiting:

We wait forever

Never taking action

Afraid for the feelings that may be burnt

Not realising that we are disregarding our own

Always caging them away, within the chambers of our heart

Taking the vow of silence

Forever receiving

But never venting what we feel inside

We are to be forever in solitude

Unable to feel the joy that accompanies release

#echoedremnants #waiting #innerworkingofasoul #poetry #thoughtsonapage #impassionate #philosopher #alifeinwords #poet #thinker

[echoed-remnants]

Questions:

There's a question that troubles me..

It there's point to generosity, kindness or compassion..

We are told..

Be kind..

Be caring..

Be generous..

And it will all come back to you greater than you have offered and given it..

But that's just a lie society plants within us..

To be generous, kind and caring..

Never means others will be the same..

So if the disappointment of having the brick dropped on your face..

Is something you can handle..

Then push forward and keep going..

Hope where there is no hope and then maybe..

Just maybe..

You'll at least receive a fraction of the kindness you distribute..

To these souls,

Not even the abyss would accept..

#echoedremnants #questions #innerworkingsofasoul #poetry #thoughtsonapage #impassionate #philosopher #alifeinwords #poet #thinker