#thought id share the art for the video since i worked my ass off on it

[deadmothsketches]

Welcome to the consequences of your own actions, dumbasses.

Close ups of the latest video. Can you see it? Look between the lines and see thats where all my sleep went. Was it worth it? lol yeh.

[gotmetalkinginmysleep]

BTS Full Set Reactions/Kink List: Porn Habits

Ask: 

sweet-teeth-mfs said: BTS FULL SET Reactions/Kinks List: BTS & Porn Habits 🥴🔪🔥

Warnings: If you haven’t guessed it, this post will be discussing porn habits so will contain sexual references.

A/N: This is my first ever reactions post so I hope I do this justice. I’ve been reading from all of the blogs I know who do reactions well, so let’s put this to the test. 

Let’s start with our leader.

Kim Namjoon.

He has unashamedly been open with his porn habits, including using his Dad’s ID to access such sites when he was underage (I mean who doesn’t?). And let’s be honest, there’s nothing to be ashamed of either. Porn is porn. Everyone has their own tastes or levels and therefore, everyone watches or reads it in some way.

So what would he watch? TBH, I racked my brain for a while with this one and there’s only one answer I can think of. 

ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. He’s been watching it since 2nd Grade so he must have quite the collection by now. There’s only one limitation for Joon, Hentai would be a hard fap for him. 

Joon likes to see everything and have an element of powerplay, so anything with a POV angle would be perfect. I think he’d watch porn from anywhere and he’d watch it at anytime or place. He would openly share his porn stash with the other members if they asked (except the personal collection he’s filmed for himself). 

He’d watch it with you too, paying attention to what you liked and disliked, almost using it as research for his session with you later. Would definitely film his own stuff but from his POV so he can watch it later, making sure to keep your face out of it. Not because he wouldn’t like it, but he’d be concerned he’d accidentally saved it to the shared folder.

Joon would be more than happy to send content to you too. Once he knows what you like, he’d film for you just as much as you do for him. When sending Joon video, be sure to call his name or call him ‘Daddy’. He loves that.

Kim Seokjin.

Jin being the eldest of the group has certainly figured out a few things about what he likes and dislikes. He would’ve also figured the best way to sneak in a session without being caught out.

Jin prefers to watch in complete privacy and when at the dorm, would leave his room to use the locked bathroom instead. He’d also take his headphones to ensure he could hear the moans. He’s very visual (and if into women) definitely a breast man. They don’t need to be massive, just feature a lot and although 99.9% of men love a cum shot to the face, I think Jin would prefer one to the tits. 

He also prefers to watch something from the DOMs angle. Not pain or abusive in any way, but something that demonstrates a more domineering side that he can relate to. He wants the other person to succumb to his charms and his porn would need to do the same.

Jin wouldn’t film with you but would ask for some Facetime while he was away, specifically so he could see your face and the shapes it would make when you cum.

Min Yoongi.

Yoongi would normally be typecast into some really dark stuff. However, I gave this some more thought as there’s more than meets the eye.

Yoongi loves sound and would ask you to send recordings he could listen to while in the Genius Studio. But don’t fake it, he would know and hates overelaborate screamy ‘porn sex’. It would be a rare opportunity for him to watch videos so ASMR is perfect for him. Just playing it on his headphones and everyone would fully believe he’s working on something. 

When it comes to visuals, he would definitely prefer to have videos sent to him than searching online. However, he’d have a personal stash that he’s filmed when you’ve been together of his hands and tongue doing things to you. He’d actually send these to you along with a message like, “wishing I could do this to you right now”.

Yoongi would purposefully film with you for when he’s away, ensuring he’s got you spread and shining over his cock or taking you from behind so he’s got your ass in shot. 

He NEEDS to see and hear everything so when you send him a picture or a quick video of you playing with the toy he bought you, make sure to spread for him showing how wet you are and display your slick covered fingers to the camera. Also, tell him how much you need him instead of your fingers or toy.

Jung Hoseok.

Did someone call for Daddy? Yes, Hobi loves his stash but actually prefers to find something new each time. He’s very open to new things and would probably try everything once, but as soon as he sees something he doesn’t like, he’ll find something from his collection. 

He’s definitely a curves man, would prefer to watch something with more movement and rhythm. The person at the centre of all of this would need to have a sexy vibe more than a distinct feature. Would totally follow the same porn star once he found one he liked and would watch anything from that person, even the masturbation films, which are probably his favourite.

But there’s one very important factor. Unlike most guys, Hobi doesn’t like cumshots. He would much prefer to watch someone take a load in their mouth, display and swallow so he can see it slide down their throat. Therefore, would totally film you sucking him off to watch back later.

If you’re sending him something while away, he would love to watch you get off. Use your toys, get the suction cup to stick it to the floor and play for the camera Bish. He’d want to see you wind and grind on that thing.

Park Jimin.

Ok, this one was fun because most of the web sees Jimin as this cute little angel (Which he is... sometimes) but he totally isn’t 100% angel. His dirty mind could write some serious fanfics which brings me onto his porn.

Jimin likes to be able to relate to real couples and would most likely read erotica so he can imagine everything in his head. Most likely to frequent Wattpad and AO3 on a regular basis. He’s not into anything overly romanticised, he’d be more 50 Shades than Mills and Boon, but when it comes to visuals, he prefers homemade content with real couples. Not just any old homemade content, he’s looking for the gagged and bound section for when his inner DOM needs power.

As a result, he would totally film his own DOM stuff and not just with his mobile phone in hand. He’d have it on the bedside table or at the end of the bed so he can go hands-free, slapping your ass or pulling on your leash throughout. Jimin would want your cum face in full view so he can recall the feeling of you tight around him. He’d even edit the sections together so he’d have snippets he can refer back to rather than the whole session. 

When it comes to sending Jimin something to take a load off, send him a masturbation video praising him to the ends of the Earth when he’s feeling DOM. Tell him how good he feels and how your fingers aren’t enough.

For is inner SUB, you need your ASMR skills because he wants to be hands-free. Record some audio for him to listen through his headphones, moan for him but with stern instructions, tell him he’s been bad (or good) and when he’s allowed to cum. It’ll keep him going for days.

Kim Taehyung.

*Cracks fingers* - KIM TAEHYUNG … *tsk tsk tsk* - where do I even begin with him? Shall we start from the light to the dark?

Tae needs some plot. A little bit of backstory. I’m not saying he’s after something like overly romanticised, but something a bit “Eyes Wide Shut” or “Secretary” would totally shuttle his cock. Would regularly watch international porn so he can get lost in the language, especially French or Portuguese which sounds erotic in its own right. Anything that includes plenty of foreplay and shows the main character writhing to meet hip to hip gets him going.

Oh, why did I say “Secretary”, yes, because Tae likes it dirty and would be open to the more quirky aspects of porn. Powerplay to the point she pisses at the desk? Yes, total turn on. It’s not the physical act, it is the meaning behind it. The power that’s portrayed in the DOM and the loyal submission that’s apparent from her. So whether he’s watching anime or something dark, don’t just take it at face value. 

Tae would be open to filming yourselves if you are. He’d get really into the role, discussing boundaries and buying something special for the main event. He’d even set up the room with lighting and get you in the mood beforehand, so it’ll feel very art house. You’d both watch it together and alone, but he’d love to sext you on the regular while away.

Jeon Jungkook.

Be warned. To me, Gguk is a little Antonie de Caunes (search Eurotrash TV Show if you don’t know who that is) so this is going to be a little bit fun!

Jungkook idolises Joon, so I think he’d totally steal his stash on the regular. Sheepily asking, “got anything new?” when the hard drive is shared for his alone time. Loves everything and tries everything once. If he likes it, he’d want to try it out too. It’s actually easier to recall what he doesn’t like, which is nothing!

Seriously nothing is out of bounds for him. Girl on girl action, hell yes! Big titties? *motorboats* Anime, yeah why not? Fake taxi? Yeah, sure. We’re talking full on cheese, but interestingly, he’d watch this with Tae and Jimin for fun and not to get off. It would be like watching their own version of Eurotrash! 

However, when it gets a little too much for everyone, they’d slink off separately and get the good stuff.

Gguk would find the masturbation videos to watch on his own and he’d prefer these than anything else. However, he does like to film his own POV when he’s with you. He is GCF of course. 

He’d film when he’s both DOM and SUB but most importantly would want a new film every time he goes away. He’d film you riding his cock when you’re on top, your hands on his chest as you whip your head back all while he’s calling you Noona. But, he’d also film when you’re spread beneath him, begging to be taken by Daddy.

[officialthiamlibrary]

Welcome to another profile on Behind the Screens, giving you personal insight on who your favorite creators are and what they do when they aren’t wowing you with their creative ability.

Hiya! I’m popping out of my writing cave to share with you the greatness of another artist, Glitter-cake20, also known as Sammy.  You’ve probably seen her awe-inspiring manips, gifs, incorrect quotes, and stories floating around your dashboard. In our talk, she shares her #1 guilty pleasure ship, creates her optimal Teen Wolf Puppy Pack spin-off, and lets us in her creative process.

Sammy! Why don’t we start off simple? Tell us about yourself. The catch: the word count is either to or less than the number of letters in your two favorite Teen Wolf episode names. (ex. Raving + Galvanize = 19)

Memory Found + Smoke and Mirrors = 25

I’m really lazy. I like reading. I’m great at killing zombies on Xbox. I have blood in my coffee stream. I have resting bitch face. 

Ooh, what makes these two your favorite?

Memory Found because i feel like that is really where Theo learned to be selfless. He fought with Liam knowing he could get killed or taken, and then later he literally sacrificed himself for a pack that wanted him dead.

Smoke and Mirrors - the entire Mexico trip was great but the part that really stood out in Smoke and Mirrors was when Berserker Scott had Liam pinned to the wall and Liam said “Scott listen! You’re not a monster, you’re a werewolf like me” which parallels to earlier in Season 4 when Scott had said that same thing to Liam. It was just beautiful because it showed how Liam had accepted himself as a werewolf.  Also, Derek evolving was just wow!

And how did you come to the Thiam fandom? What about them drew you in?

You know, I had just created a twitter account and I was just following few accounts for Teen Wolf, kind of just bopping along with all the other popular ships, and then someone made a post about “OMG what was THAT” and I opened the video and it was Theo and Liam making glorious eye contact, and I was never the same again.

What drew me in the most was that Theo was so vulnerable when Liam brought him back. He was once such a badass and now he was suddenly latched on to Liam - just made my heart melt. And Liam is my boy, but he made me so angry when he was mean to Theo! Like no boo, that’s not how Scott raised you!

Lately, there’s been exclamations from our pack about Thiam bleeding into their real lives (like, seeing their relationship in every movie/song or experiencing story plots in real life, etc.), have you felt this sensation recently? If so, in what ways?

Yes!  I was sitting at a coffee shop writing the other day, and this adorable couple walked in. My brain immediately went “That’s Theo and that’s Liam” And I’m like, what is actually wrong with me? And literally every epic movie quote is now about Thiam, I’ve actually done a bunch of edits about that, which I will share for the Thiam Movie Fest.

Omg! That totally happens to me all the time, everywhere!! Since you see Thiam in anything, would you say they’re your #1 guilty pleasure ship? If not, what are your guilty pleasure ships, couples where you don’t care who knew or who disagreed, you ship them regardless?

Oh gosh I’ve had many. Stalia was one.  I really liked the dynamic, in the same breath I was also pining for Stydia. I loved Jethan when that teaser came out.  Briam, although I don’t think anyone would disagree.  Brett and Mason!  And even when Scott and Allison broke up I was like, no but Scallison.  I literally ship anything. 

If you could build the ultimate paintball/laser tag team from any five characters on Teen Wolf, who’d be on your team and why? Twist: now, choose one Teen Wolf villain who’d be your secret weapon, provided they don’t double-cross you first, mwhahaha. 

Mmm okay…(this actually makes me excited!) So for paintball, first of all I’d choose Corey for his ability to disappear and strike from a position unknown to our opponents. Then I would pick Theo, he’s proven to be quite strategic and cunning in mapping out a plan! Peter, because he just no objection to kicking ass, any time any place. Kira, because she can divert the paintballs with her sword (and yes in my mind they would allow her to take the sword onto the field, shh). Braeden, because she’s just a total badass and I just love her. And for my secret weapon I would choose Jackson so he can paralyze the opposing team with his Kanima venom!! Ha!

Jackson would be a total knockout secret weapon. The game would be over in seconds lol! Let’s jump into your works. Like @da-smiley99​, our artist last week, you also create a little bit of it all: drabbles, gifs, manips, and incorrect quotes. For you, which would you say is your favorite art form? How do you balance creating them all? 

I really love doing the incorrect quotes, they are fun and I enjoy looking for gifs to match!

Whatever inspiration hits first is what I will do, most of the time its manips/aesthetics that I do for other writer’s work. I love appreciating and promoting what people have created because I know the effort that goes into it. There are still so many works I would like to do an edit for!

If your creative process for these pieces was a person, describe him or her to us. What do they do? Wear? Listen to? How do they handle conflict?

She’s running around in a pink fur coat, stilettos, champagne in hand, chocolates stuffed in her cheek yelling “OH MY GOD!” at everything. I imagine her in a clothing store, the clothes being ideas, and she’s just grabbing everything pilling it onto her arm in a heap, eventually losing her balance and falling over. So when the shop assistant (my family) is like “Mam, you need to calm the hell down” she just runs to the next store, her champagne spilling as she wobbles down the sidewalk in the way-too-high stilettos. She probably listens to Taylor Swift in her pink drop top.

And what’s hers (and your) writing Kryptonite? How do you two battle it?

With regards to writing -I come up with the most amazing and original idea for a story and I manage to write one mind blowing paragraph and then I’m stuck.  That’s why I take so long to create a story, it just takes me forever to get inspired again.  I have a few WIP’s and I don’t know what to do with them!

Creating comes pretty easy and I haven’t had many hiccups while editing. I just suck at making video edits and I honestly wish I was better at it because I have so many ideas! I usually fight writer's block with generous amounts of wine.

If you did become that video-making mastermind, which one of those ideas would you explore first?

I always wanted to do an AU vid of Thiam just living life you know. Id also like to do a “trailer” for these amazing fics that’s been written, kind of like what was done for Airplanes!

I sense a perfect opportunity to practice your videographer skills, mentally, of course! Say you were the Jeff Davis of the Puppy Pack Teen Wolf Spin-Off. Describe your very first and last scene of the pilot episode? How would you put your personal touches on those two scenes? 

Personal Touches: A-class lighting because we suffered enough with the ever loving darkness of Teen Wolf.  I’d like to see the characters develop more of a personal style, Liam would probably wear more ‘jock’ outfits as he plays varsity lacrosse now. I’d love to put Theo in shorts for a change, maybe an early morning kitchen scene where he is wearing boxer shorts…okay I’m getting distracted.

Eeek!  Okay so, the Opening scene would be Theo, Liam and Alec running from hunters, Theo has Liam by the arm, he pushes Liam and Alec into his truck and ducks in behind them. They speed off. Then he starts yelling at Liam “Are you crazy, Li?! I’m getting real tired of saving you!” (que fandom freaking because he is calling him “Li” now) and then at Alec “And you! What the hell did we tell you about sneaking out with Liam!?” Liam and Alec are just out of breath trying not to  laugh at Theo. Theo calls Mason to confirm that they are fine.

Closing scene: Liam flops down on the couch in the McCall house, next to Theo (because that’s where he is staying now) “So, uh, thanks for coming to get us today”. “You’re an idiot” but Theo smiles. “How did you find me anyway?” Liam is twiddling his thumbs, “Tracked your scent” Theo gets up abruptly and leaves. Yup it’s going to be a slow burn!

Oooh, and which TW characters would you bring back as cameos or minor characters?

Frikken Danny! I feel like the guy deserved better. So definitely Danny.  I’d make him the supernatural privy teacher at the high school. Brett would also come back -as a ghost haunting Liam, especially when Li gets angry then Brett would just be in the corner jabbing insults at him and the pack would look at him like he’s crazy when he yells at the wall to shut up. Scott would make regular appearances. Deaton, Argent and Melissa would be regulars, and I think a guest appearance by Jackson because for some reason they are going to need a vile of his Kanima venom. Kira’s going to come looking for her sword at one point. And Isaac shows up with Scott a few times.

I agree with you about Danny; we needed more of him! We should petition to get you in the writer’s room because I need your ideas to happen!! 

How about gifs/manips specifically? Where does your inspiration for those stem from?

I would think of a scene that I really would have loved to happen and then I try to match it as best I can using existing material. Sometimes i would just be scrolling through gifs and I’d be like “oh wait! This with this is perfect!”

Ooh, up for a quick demonstration? Let’s pick one of your favorite fanfiction scenes lately. Which images/thought processes would stick out to you? Any specific gifs come to mind?

So let’s take Airplanes 28 for example. The scene where Liam is weighing up all his options about how to deal with his feelings and Theo asks what his problem is.  I would use the scene from S6 in the locker room where Liam is punching the locker, it had a few different shots of Liam being frustrated. For Theo’s part I’d use the scene form 6x16 where he actually says ‘what is wrong with you”. Then I just use the app to edit and merge them and voila.

That’s pretty neat. I didn’t even know you could use apps to mash gifs together! If someone wanted to get started with creating manips/gifs, what advice/steps would you give them?

If you’re doing it from your phone, like me, you have to firstly find the right gif app preferably one that does video to gif and vice versa. There are a few that work really well, so hit me up if you want more detail!  I’m also still learning so if anyone has any suggestions let me know.

We’ve chatted about your art for Thiam. Do you also create outside of the Thiam fandom? Original Fiction/Artwork? Other Fandoms?

I used to write and draw when I was younger, the Thiam fandom actually got me back into all of that! I don’t have any of my earlier writing works anymore but I still have drawings.

Aww, can you remember what you liked to write back then?

It was all fictional stories, mostly horrors! I loved writing scary stories, short or long and I would sometimes freak myself out a bit, especially late at night. I remember the one was about a guy whose car ‘broke down’ on a deserted road and he went looking for help at an old farmhouse and couldn't figure out why the people were so weird towards him, so after a few days he left, walking back down the road and he came across his car completely wrecked, his dead body hanging halfway out the door...he was a ghost haha.

Looking ahead, what’s one piece you’re working on that you’re dying for the pack to see?  

Yes! This is a snipped of the AU I’m doing for the Movie fest:

-“That’s him,” Corey said nodding in Theo’s direction “that’s the Judo champ”,

By the time Liam realised he had been staring it was too late, Theo’s head was tilted to the side, an amused grin spread across his face as he looked down slowly at this abdomen and then back up at Liam. There was no reason for Liam to deny that Theo Raeken was gorgeous, that he looked like a demigod in the golden light of the street lamps, but this was not the time for these kinds of thoughts. ‘Get it together Liam’, he shook his head as if to rid his mind of Judo Boy.-

I will also attempt some manips for this piece!

Ooh, intriguing. How dare you stop there! I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week, smh. One final anecdote before we wrap up?

Characters often find themselves in situations they aren’t sure they can get themselves out of. When was the last time you found yourself in situation like that and what did you do?

The PA of our department at work tried to sell me sex toys from this ridiculously expensive catalogue and tried to make me have a sex toy party for my birthday because she would get a free gift and commission for it. First I said, but my friends and family ain’t about that life, and she’s like “No I’ll just invite all my friends it's fine” (to my birthday?? Okay bih). So then I said I’ll think about it hoping she’d forget. She didn’t.  Eventually I told her that I’m not doing anything for my birthday but thanks.

Oh no, she didn’t! It was your birthday smh. You’re stronger than me! Not only would she convince me to throw the party, I’d have bought at least  two things from that freaking catalogue haha! Well, we’re coming to an end, but first, what’s next for you? Both in life and in the creation world? 

Career wise I’d like to do a few courses, and really start going into the direction of what I really love, which is anything creative, instead of just doing a 9-5 to pay bills, you know?  So I’m going to look for a way to bring these two worlds together so that I can always do what I love. Fandom wise, I really want to do more writing, explore different characters and ships!

And, we’ll be over here, looking forward to more of your writing! Finally, Is there anything else you’d like to say? The floor is all yours. Dance away!

I hardly get to writing my own ideas so I’m reluctant to say that I'll take prompts for fics and frankly I take so long to write that it will be disappointing, however, if someone has a scenario/idea for an incorrect quote, manip or aesthetic requests, I’m all for it! I would love to do it! Other than that i just want to thank this entire fandom, you guys are keeping this ship sailing and its beautiful! Keep doing what you’re doing!

Aww, thank YOU for writing, creating, and giving us a lens into your world! I’ll be looking forward to the day you gift us with all the Thiam videos haha. From there, we give you Glitter-cake20. 

As always, you can keep the conversation going; respond to any of her thoughts, ask more questions, send a prompt, or simply swing by for a chat with Sammy anytime. To dive into her works, check out her Tumblr. You can also find her on instagram!

Tumblr: Glitter-cake20

Ask Box: glitter-cake20

Instagram: @spraybitch_chrisberry

That’s all for now, so stay warm, amused, and tuned for next week’s Movie AU edition with @underthegallowws.

Over and Out <3 

Get involved in the Behind the Screen series! Have a Thiam Creator you fan over, from any platform (AO3, Tumblr, Wattpad, Instagram, FFN, etc). Please send us their names. Bonus points if you include any questions you’re dying to ask them. Likewise, if you as the creator, would like to be a part of the Behind the Screens series, give us a shout too! We’d love to get to know you, as well.

[actuallyadhd]

ADD, Autism and tics

Hey, I got a good kick out of submit long posts…no other kind for me😂, I’ll try however. I’ve always considered my condition “the bastard child of Autism” I’m Caucasian, 48yrs no history of brain damage/injury (although I believe the Dr. squeezed my head w/forceps too much-older brother has symmetrical features, head, while my head is curved from top to chin.) Lightweight @ 5lbs, 8oz. At age 7, I was diagnosed w/ ADHD. Ritalin was prescribed then undone. The sudden drop off was too much for my parents and I (fighting verbally). They were instructed to keep me active.

So my father puts this four eyed new kid in fast paced sport. Baseball🙄. So hard to sit still on the bench, then up to bat to strike out. Ended up pretending to go. My father would not allow me to watch the Hulk…thought it made me mad. It did….but who knew about “hyper focus” back when. I did blow up…the Hulk didn’t get bullied or beat up. Searching for anything to stop the harassment. My own brother bullied me. I chased him into his room several times. He’d lock/ dresser against door laughing. Last time it happened, I grabbed chef’s knife, fully intent on planting it in his face. I was livid…beyond that…My mom would keep telling me if I ignored the bullies they would go away. Never happened. All other parents told their kids to hit back and tell them not to f w/you or you’d kill them. Sets your reputation. In gr10, in front of 30 kids, main bully confronted me (he thought id done something, yet it was someone else) for what still feels like an eternity. Tried everything to get me to fight, even slapped me😲. Having left baseball for tae kwon do👍🏻, I learned only to get involved as a last resort.

Told my father this story for first time this summer. I was in a full on cry as I made a slapping motion, until my inoperable torn rotator cuff caused arm to jerk back to my chest. I never told anyone until then. A friend had same issue w same guy and had teeth knocked out. In our 30’s, we actually planned to pillowcase this dufus -ring doorbell, one guy holds him, other puts pillowcase over head/arms then beat the hell out of him. We were very serious and at a combined weight shy of 600lbs, weren’t worried anymore. From small boy to being harassed, assaulted, bullied and threatened to be killed (twice people have done that) as a grown man at work. An old guy was retiring, shakes my hand and says: “don’t be an asshole your whole life” First inkling it was ME. Union/management useless, so on a bright day during my hour long commute, I started to laugh and cry at the same time and I thought that’s weird but then I remembered my previous thought I’d come up with the way out of all this…I’d end me. Happy with the thought too! Had to take buyout as I was planning on taking coworkers with me from a dark place.

Genetics loads the gun, stress pulls the trigger. Got to the point I’d be introduced to people, tell them they’ll either like me or hate me in five minutes. People were honest and I ask what I did/said to get their backs up, trying to pinpoint it.

Now, if someone threatens me, I don’t get anxiety (I have horrible social and general anxiety) about what they might do, it’s what I will do. I’ve uncluttered my life down to sharing a small apt. Roomate has Tourette’s and we both are agoraphobes. Read recently first recorded school shooting in Canada was ‘78…how many kids just toughed it out back then? Since video games, guns are in kids brains. IMHO, I could easily have been driven to that brink. I’m down to a room looks like a teenager lives here. Mom died in August (used to rock back and forth watching TV🤔), weeks before that had to put my dog down. Mom wasn’t suffering. I genuinely felt better. Singing in car, telling jokes (the vestigial remnants of my sense of humour is all self deprecating now. If you see my self esteem, let me know-it’s covered in jokes. Today I can’t walk 15 feet without forgetting my mission. If my short term memory gets any shorter, I’ll go back in time lol. and the average Joe/Jane always says oh I do that all the time.

I was speaking with the regional director of CMHA. She asked me something and I told her I’d have to look it up on my phone. Roomate is there, ask if he’s seen my phone and told CMHA to hold on while I looked for it.

I was on the phone.

People call me paranoid, I say hyper-vigilance. sit with back to wall, watching all the time. Lastly, as my ass is sore from sitting, there are tons of details I could spew. The story is so long now and in 15 YEARS of seeking help, it started with anti depressant Paxil (felt like Dexter w/o the killing…nothing). Also lost all libido, including morning wood for six months. This year shrink sees me for 1/2hr, calls me bipolar, prescribes “mood stabilizer” and Benztropine for any tic issues. Last thing I need is a pill that causes more damage than the good it MIGHT do. I already take through the day: 2.5 Percocet 5/325, Ibuprofen 1200mg, Adderall 20mg XR, Clonazepam 8mg (down to four most days) Seroquel 50mg (weight gain, vicious sweet tooth), Benztropine 1mg at night.

Imagine having torn shoulder, combined with fast reaction from years of martial arts, topped off with ADD…Impulsive subtype. Something falls off table, I reach, then scream.

It’s just me and my car now. I hang out with no one, get invites just to sabotage them anyway. Everyday I wonder why I’m still alive. When things were at the lowest, I walked into hardware store for items I needed to complete my mission, as calm as can be. Wondered what cashiers reaction would be if I told her what they were for…thought that was funny.

Wish all the best & good luck,

Ian

[rbeatz]

Chance The Rapper Told Me All I Need Is Happy Thoughts And I’ve Been Flying Ever Since

Imagine wandering through a giant playground filled up with 200 friends and 45,000 other friendly people for 3-days set to the most incredible soundtrack possible, that’s what Lost Lake Festival in Phoenix, Arizona was like. Superfly Presents went all out with Lost Lake to ensure that even though it was the festival’s maiden voyage, it still provided all of those one-of-a-kind festival experiences that has turned the season formerly called summer into Festival Season. And I was live on rBeatzRadio all weekend long.

After living in Phoenix for nearly a decade I had some real reservations about Superfly Presents new festival in the desert, and I carried those reservations with me all the way from my home in New York City to my old desert hideaway that I’d left 2-years before. I was worried about water rations, tight security, overpriced festival food, and stuffy overpriced vendors that sold garbage.

What I found was a park full of the some of the absolute best parts of Phoenix I knew when I lived there. Whether it was my dear friend Joanna 23 doing henna in the vendor area (I invited her to my wedding for context), downtown muralist JB Snyder doing a mural on the hill, or local hero’s Playboy Manbaby playing a raucous 4 pm set on Friday afternoon, Lost Lake Festival really delivered on involving and featuring a lot of what makes Phoenix so special. While also delivering a world-class Festival experience.

All photos by Jeff Schaer-Moses Photography Mitchell Hillman music editor of Java Magazine.

As I was walking through the photo pit to get a good angle on the first act I heard someone yell from my left “you magnificent bastard” and I looked up and it was Mitchell Hillman, music editor of Java Magazine, a Phoenix-based culture magazine. We had worked together for the Phoenix New Times, we embraced and then caught the show. Encounters with Mitch would become a regular occurrence throughout the weekend.  

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Left to right David Cosme, Austin Rickert, and Robbie Pfeffer of Playboy Manbaby on the Piestewa Stage Friday afternoon.

Playboy Manbaby was the opening act of Lost Lake Festival for me. They were the band I had traveled so far to see and while they may prefer to play small rooms for crazy crowds, they still have all the chops necessary to bring their space-cadet thunder-jazz to even the biggest stages. On a balmy 92 degree day Robbie Pfeffer, Chad Dennis, Chris Hudson, David Cosme, Tj Friga, and Ricky Austin Lavender Heylee Dallas Smash aka The Baddest Man on the Planet turned Lost Lake into their former Tempe garage art space The Parliament.

The quick-witted Pfeffer introduced his merry band of miscreants as The Pixies and quickly jumped into their opening number. They are known as one of the best bands in Phoenix and they have garnered a larger than life reputation in the Brooklyn garage rock scene after bringing their spazz-funk power-punk traveling road show to the BK for CMJ festival in 2015 with brooklynites Stuyeyedeyed and Vamanos, as well as Scotland based Womps.

Pfeffer and I had joked the night before that the set would be empty but it really blossomed into a formidable crowd eating out of the palm of Pfeffer’s hand. He thanked Ludacris for putting the festival together as well as the secretive Illuminati leadership behind Bonnaroo, and the irreverent frontman made light of the 7-minute walk he took from his home to the gates of the Festival.

A fan-made Playboy Manbaby T-Shirt.

Playboy brought the thunder with their tunes Last One Standing which they recently dropped a video for , and You Can Be A Fascist Too which made it’s way to Village Voice Magazine. But the one that really got the crowd going was their closer Mermaid Pterodactyl because it wasn’t until the finale that Pfeffer finally got the crowd moshing which is a trademark of Playboy.

Following their set I made my way backstage to have chat with them, which you can listen to here:

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Talking with Playboy ate up a lot of my time to catch NONAME at The Echo Stage, but I hustled over and caught the end of the smooth Chicagoans set. NONAME is a protege to the festival’s day-1 headliner, Chance The Rapper, and given some more seasoning, the 21-years young artist will be joining her mentor on the main-stage for the night time sets in no time.

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Noname bringing her groovy vibes to Lost Lake Festival

Posted by rBeatz on Friday, October 20, 2017

The Festival was laid out quite well and once I got my bearings inside of Steele Indian School Park it became easy to find everything and, though there were only 3-stages, there was still quite a bit to be found on the grounds of Lost Lake Festival. The level of production value the Walter Project brought to Lost Lake was second to none. Every tree had an LED light pointed at it, the Lake had fire shooting lily pads set to music, his famed art cars littered the grounds, and the BBQ pit had a giant spitfire going all weekend.

Broods live at Lost Lake Festival.

After NONAME I made my way over to Broods on The Camelback stage all the while encountering Phoenix-based musicians, writers, and photographers who I had been working with for years. I had been aware of the Kiwi sibling two-piece for quite some time. An old friend made me aware of them right before I moved away from Arizona, and that friend obviously knew me well because Broods are fantastic. Georgia and Caleb Nott along with their fabulous touring band put together a spectacular indie ppop/electronicaset, that also signaled a shift in the decibel level of the festival overall. Once Broods hit the stage everything got just a little bit louder.

@crystalcastles going off on a tangent at @lostlakefest on the Echo Stage #Lostlake #rbeatz #crystalcastles

A post shared by rBeatz Radio (@rbeatzradio) on Oct 20, 2017 at 6:57pm PDT

Next up was Crystal Castles on The Echo Stage and on a day that had been so far spectacular Crystal Castles was a noticeable dud. The band has been going downhill since Alice Glass’s departure, but amid her allegations against the band’s lead guitarist Ethan Kath revolving around sexual assault, which Kath fervently denies, the group really didn’t bring much with them to the stage at Lost Lake. They sounded and acted like they just hit play on their record while on stage, and frankly, the canned version may have been better.

Haim on The Camelback Stage.

Crystal Castles was so uninspired that I walked away early to catch Haim back on the main stage and they are very much not my style, but were still quite impressive especially when compared to the lackluster outing that Crystal Castles had. The familial three-piece make a lovely pop-rock sound and they made it for quite a few people considering they had to compete with the fact that half the fest was waiting for Ludacris to start and the other half were waiting patiently for The Pixies.

The Pixies and Ludacris playing at the same time on The Piestewa stage and The Echo Stage respectively made for one of the only two tough decisions I was forced to make all weekend, but the other one was a special sort of tough decision and we will come back to that. Having seen both The Pixies and Ludacris in the past, I felt confident in my decision to survey the Ludacris set. He brought a ton of energy to his 1 pm set at Firefly in 2016, so it stood to reason he would do even better with an 8:15 pm set.

Luda doing his thing on The Echo Stage.

The man with the midget hanging from his necklace played the hits and nothing but along with his regular road dogs Lil Fate and DJ Infamous Roll Out, What’s Your Fantasy, Number One Spot, Splash Waterfalls and all of the rest. Luda went through what seemed like his entire discography on Lost Lakes smallest stage, and the crowd responded. He may have cut the braids off, but the rapper turned actor still has everything else he brought with him to the stage during his early 2000’s heyday. That didn’t stop him from having every ass at lost lake shaking for the duration of his set.

As on point as Ludacris was; however, he really didn’t have anything on 24-year-old Chicago native Chance The Rapper. Ludacris is a legend in the game and arguably the greatest the south has ever produced. Chance is a transcendent musical entity that will be changing all the rules for hip-hop music in the coming years. Chance The Rapper and The Social Experiment put on far and away the greatest hip-hop show I have ever witnessed, and I’ve seen Jay Z, OutKast, Nas, Kendrick Lamar, Snoop and Dre, Eminem, and many more in my day. The level of production, the pageantry, his opulence; he’s looking like a young Kanye West right now and he’s performing with the same zeal that Yeezus is known for.

Mixtape, Blessings, Angles, Sunday Candy, All We Got, and No Problem all made the set list among many others. And that’s by ear on the first time I have ever heard any of those songs because until Oct. 20 I was not a Chance The Rapper fan at all. I knew him for his work with Kanye and with Action Bronson but had never taken the time to give him listen. That was a mistake. I was pretty taken with his mid-set medley of Kanye songs featuring Waves, Father Stretch Thy Hands, and Ultralight Beam. But when I heard Same Drugs for the first time I almost cried. That is such a gorgeous song that so beautifully applied to the situation I was living in, returning to the place where I got started as a music journalist in 2011. The Peter-Pan allegory seemed appropriate as did the other motifs within the lyrics.

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Chance The Rapper is a hip-hop dynamo and he brought it hard to his kast festival of 2017. #lostlakefest

Posted by rBeatz on Friday, October 20, 2017

He closed the set with a shower of white confetti while singing to the crowd “Are you ready for your blessing’s?” I am not a religious man, but Chance The Rapper made me feel something. He has an innate charisma not common among humans and he shared so much of his inner light with the people of Lost Lake Festival day one, on the last show of his tour and his first show as a Grammy award-winning artist.

Day 2, started with an early trip to Strive Dreams Henna to visit Joanna 23, and that trip ended with me getting a fresh henna to sport the rest of the trip, one that I am still wearing as I write this a week later. I sat with a pumpkin spice cold brew provided by Gypsy Cup Coffee and chatted with my friend while she made her art on my hand and the sounds of Phoenix natives Bogan Via wafted over the hill at 1 o’clock in the afternoon. The mixture of the tunes I’ve known for years and company of my old-friend made the early afternoon a comforting experience, especially in the friendly confines the festival.

While drinking coffee with Joanna at Strive Dreams, we saw what we thought might be a wedding procession in all white with white flags walking across the grass. It turned out it was a roving troupe of face painters who were walking through the festival planting their flags in the ground and giving people a quick makeover, on the fest!

After letting my “ink” settle for a little while I headed over to the Piestewa stage to catch Carla Morrison shimmying and shaking all over the stage while her booming voice filled in the entire festival ground. She sang in both Spanish and English and her voice was equally spectacular in either language. She may not have been singing on the main-stage at 9 pm but she may have been the best all-around singer performing on the tremendous musical weekend.

I bumped into Joanna enjoying Carla’s set and she informed me that the artwork hanging from the sides of the stage had been produced by the Fortoul Brothers, two men who used to run a shop on Phoenix’s formed art-strip Roosevelt Row, which now only exists as a shadow of it’s former self with most of the art galleries replaced by condos.

Chance The Rapper’s older brother Taylor Bennet on The Echo Stage.

Next up was Frenship on the Camelback stage who underwhelmed, so I went to the Piestewa stage to take a look at The Ricky Fits and where I also got a hot tip from Arizona Republic Music Editor Ed Masley that Taylor Bennett over on The Echo Stage would be a good act to catch. I made it over for the beginning of his set and what I found was a talented lyricist putting a run-of-the-mill hip-hop show. Certainly more memorable than the two previous bands. I fluttered away before the end of the set and later found out that Taylor Bennett was Chance The Rapper’s brother. Honestly, I still would have fluttered away if I knew, but I would have been more excited about the beginning.

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Ed Masley Music Editor of the Arizona Republic.

I stumbled upon Muna because the person who was putting me up was camped by the main-stage for the day, so in meeting up with him, I found a really neat pop band. I’d never heard of Muna before the festival, but I was very happy to spend the time I had before KONGOS chatting with friends and soaking in the catchy pop hooks of Muna.

Muna on The Camelback Stage.

On my way over to the Piestewa stage, I bumped into Phoenix New Times clubs editor Ben Leatherman who I convinced to jump into the pit and shoot KONGOS with me.

Jesse Kongos on The Piestewa Stage.

KONGOS are an institution in Phoenix having honed their skills at The Lost Leaf bar only a few miles from where the Festival was taking place. They made sure the crowd knew it when they name dropped the little bar on 5th Street and Roosevelt in downtown Phoenix during their set. The four- brothers have been playing music together their entire lives so they ought to sound pretty good and since all four of them split the lead singer duties, they stage set-up has all four of them standing upright at the front of the stage.

I have seen KONGOS play to 200 people at Tempe’s Sail Inn and I have seen KONGOS play to 10,000 people at Firefly Festival in Delaware with quite a few shows in between. There were two key differences in their set at Lost Lake from every other time I’ve seen them. One, they didn’t do their first single Only Joking, and two, they looked more well-rehearsed and relaxed on stage than ever before. They look like a profoundly confident band ready to drop another mega-hit on the world, like the one they closed with Come With Me Now.

Johnny Kongos.

While enjoying KONGOS from the shade line, I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was Phoenix-based journalist, Lauren Fach. She wasn’t covering the fest but she had gotten a ticket for the day and saw me in the crowd.

Huey Lewis on The Camelback Stage.

After KONGOS brought one of the moments of the festival that just about everyone was waiting for and that was Huey Lewis and the News. To they are a band with a little more pop-culture relevance than real musical relevance, but that didn’t stop them from having a fairly massive turnout at the The Camelback Stage at 5:30 pm. Huey opened with The Heart of Rock ‘N Roll and the blues and soul hits just kept on coming. But honestly, after about 20-minutes I realized I was seeing Huey Lewis and the News in 2017 so I dispersed to make my way to The Echo stage for Lil Boat.

I am 100 percent with all the bubblegum trap fans out there. If you don’t understand Lil Yachty, it’s because it’s not for you, so don’t worry about it. He is contemporary music’s answer to our parents telling us that the music we love has no substance. He’s a 21-year-old rapper with no flow who raps about cotton candy and pixar movies. If you want no substance we will show you no substance. But at the same time, he is an incredibly engaging and charismatic performer who really gets the crowd going. Plus his DJ has a setting on his mixer for 1 touch access to the “Lil Boat” button which really made my day.

Lil Boat on the Echo Stage.

After about 20-minutes of Lil Boat I’d had enough, so I moseyed over to The Dap-Kings Beatles themed super-jam and watched the New York-based collective allow Huey Lewis, Luna Aura, members of The Shelters, members of Young the Giant, and members of Ra Ra Riots step into the lofty shadow of Sharon Jones.

The super-jam wasn’t just a chance for a bunch of great artists to jam with The Dap-Kings, it was also a chance for the audience to participate as they sang along with every song that was played including Oh Darling, Here Comes the Sun, Twist and shout and some many more before the closed it out on Hey Jude. Superjam is a borrowed concept from America’s greatest festival Bonnaroo, but with Lost Lake it felt appropriate and made for one of the Festival’s signature moments.

The Dap-Kings Superjam

Toward the end of the Superjam, a tall broad-shouldered long-haired gentleman walked by me who I realized was KONGOS bass player, Dylan Kongos. I greeted him with a hug and he conveyed to me that he was elated that Phoenix had an event like Lost Lake and that he felt as though it was just what the city needed. I congratulated him on the enormity of his success and we enjoyed the jam together for a moment before he went on his way.

Following The Dap-Kings Super Jam came a whole different kind of jam, The Roots crew jam. Many \would say The Roots frontman Black Thought is the greatest M.C. of all time, and while I don’t know if I believe that, I feel confident in saying he is in the conversation. The Roots are a visceral musical assault on the senses, creating as much noise as a 10-car pileup. They have as much street cred with hip-hop crowds as they do with jam band crowds and with all of ?uestlove’s extracurricular activities with the band minus Thought, it’s easy to see how they became such massive crossover celebrities.

Black Thought of The Roots.

They laid waste to the main stage, rocking jam after jam and giving every member of the band a lengthy solo. They slayed with their eclectic mix of hip-hop, jazz, funk, soul, with just a flare of rock ‘n roll and ?uest showed another festival exactly why he is hip-hop’s Jerry Garcia. The set ended on a lengthy drum solo by the man with the famed Afro, and then came what may have just been the worst hour in festival history.

Dreamcar on the Piestewa Stage.

This is that “special” choice I was talking about earlier. The choice between a Lil Jon DJ Set or to see the lead singer of AFI live out his 80’s dreams with the former members of No Doubt. After about 10-minutes of each set I took myself over to the main-stage to prepare for The Killers.

I was sitting up against a tree about 5-minutes before The Killers went on when I realized I had made a grave mistake. As I was bemoaning the fact that I thought both acts playing weren’t very good, I had forgotten how far above and beyond Lost Lake Festival had gone to make sure there was always something to do. I could have been participating in any number of creative activities that the festival had organized, but I was busy being a party pooper.  

It took me a little while to come around to The Killers live set, I even took a stroll away from the stage and caught the Lilly Pad fire show in the lake during the set.

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Who knows what wonders are still left to behold at Lost Lake Festival #lostlakefest

Posted by rBeatz on Saturday, October 21, 2017

But when I got back to the stage after a taco, a chat with Leatherman, and catching the fire I was fully enthralled with the pop/rock icons. They packed all their biggest hits into the back of their set which made for an over-the-top finale complete with laser show, pyrotechnics, confetti, and intrigue. The set was dramatic and exciting and full of songs you couldn’t help but sing along too because you’ve heard them just so many damn times.

Gabo Fayuca during his afternoon set on the Main Stage.

The third day of Lost Lake once again began with a trip to Gypsy Cup for their pumpkin spice cold brew and then a trip to The Piestewa Stage for Phoenix legends Fayuca. They are a five-piece rock ‘n roll outfit that really brought the energy to an early set opening the fest on Sunday morning. They brought a big piece of what Phoenix music is all about with them because they are a big part of why Phoenix sounds the way it does, having been together and rocking for more than 10-years. They turned in a stellar main-stage set before hitting the festival for the day mere days before they hit the road for a 3-week west coast run.

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  A Tribe Called Red were next up on The Camelback Stage, and their blend of EDM and legitimate first nation music is not only wildly appropriate for a venue like Steele Indian School Park, which is named such for the Indian School which still sits on it’s grounds as a symbol of America’s mistreatment of Indigenous cultures, but also because the show was being played on what some consider to be Occupied O’Odham land. They brought traditional dancers out with them and they had some of the best LED graphics of the fest at their backs. A Tribe Called Red really is a one of a kind act and worth catching when they’re in your town.

From there it was the long haul (quarter mile at most) to The Echo Stage for the wild and woolly Murs. With his beard down to his chest and his dread’s looking full the former Living Legend took the stage with a laptop, a snack tray, two Heineken, and a bottle of Jameson. I was sad to see his running buddy DJ Foundation wasn’t with him, but he put on a great show nonetheless. He kicked it off by greeting all his fans in the front rows with a handshake and sampling drinks of as many people as he could before chugging a beer and getting the show going.

For as drunk as he had to be he still managed to put on an entertaining set. As a member of Atmosphere’s label Rhymesayers, Murs has quite a following and with his ties to Tucson Arizona the Valley has always been a stronghold for his fans.

That was my only trip to The Echo Stage on Sunday. Next, it was back to The Camelback stage for one of the acts I had been looking forward to most leading up to the festival, Futuristic. Futuristic is another Phoenix-based artist and along with his bombastic DJ Kode Break has strong ties to my favorite band Small Leaks Sink Ships formerly of Tempe Arizona. Futuristic and Code Break encountered some technical difficulties mostly stemming from the mid-afternoon Phoenix heat, but they persevered and still made it one of the most hyped sets of the day.

It’s almost unfair for Futuristic and Kode Break to work together because they are two of the most magnetic performers I have ever seen, and together it is impossible to look away. They mix EDM and hip-hop in a quite pleasing way but the real secret to their success is their audience engagement. They’re crowd surfing, they’re bringing fans on stage to rap on the mic, they’re getting the crowd going in the all the right ways to make them a memorable act. Separated both Futuristic and Kode Break would easily be a great success, but together it’s immortality or bust for one of the most fun touring musical acts right now.

After exiting the photo pit, I made my way into the crowd to enjoy the show, and after gettting deep enough into the crowd, I looked to my right and was dancing next to Danny Torgersen who had rocked the trumpet for FAYUCA earlier in the day. We exchanged hugs and then enjoyed the show.

When the set ended, I made my way back stage to give Kody a hug and meet Zach, a rapper I have been writing about for years but until then had still remained elusive to me. We chatted about the success of Small Leaks for a moment on the backside of the massive main stage, and then finalized our interview plans before I snuck off for lunch.

I had heard a rumor that Tom’s BBQ, my favorite BBQ spot in Mesa Arizona (30 minute drive from the grounds) had a booth set up. I had only been back in AZ, once for 3-days since moving to New York City, and I certainly didn’t have time to visit a little BBQ shop in Mesa, so Lost Lake Festival brought it to me.

After a sandwich, I caught back up with Futuristic and Kode Break for an interview about their upcoming plans.

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I made it over to Piestewa Stage just long enough to see the massive scene that was English DJ Snakehips set for about 10-minutes. The Arizona sun was still high in the sky, but that didn’t stop thousands of people from packing the green in front of the Piestewa stage and letting the mixologist from across the pond take them to funky town.

If there is one thing, Danny Brown definitely is himself. He’s a big goofball up on stage. The crowd loved every second of it. He and Big Gigantic made for a great late afternoon 1-2 punch to lead into the festival’s headliners. Both Brown and Gigantic had their fans out in force, repping their merch. and singing along. Well, singing in Brown’s case anyway. Danny Brown and Big Gigantic both did their part to get the crowd primed up and into a frenzy for the evening’s headliners Run The Jewels, Major Lazer, and Odesza.

The final three acts of the Festival were each the only act playing in their time-slot, which went right along with one of Lost Lake Festival’s biggest strengths. The options were not overwhelming. The lineup was strong, eclectic, big, but without forcing a major decision between bands or a mad rush across the grounds to catch half of two sets.  The 3-stage set up made it easy to catch just about everything you wanted to.

The first at taking the collective ear of Lost Lake was Run The Jewels, and having scene them before I know they’d kill. El-P and Killer Mike were made for each other. Not only are they coming with some of the hardest songs out in mainstream hip-hop, but they are also one of the most adorable couples I have ever seen in my life. El-P literally told Killer Mike to come hold him during the set. Watching what may go down as one of the greatest hip-hop duo’s in the history of the game perform is exciting. But knowing the two of them are best friends and enjoying what they are doing down to their bones makes it so much sweeter.

It was the last show of RTJ’s tour and they were on fire. It is crazy to think that two 40-year-old M.C.’s who were seemingly getting toward the end of their careers could become one of the biggest hip-hop acts in the world by joining forces. But that was the case with Run The Jewels. They played all the hits, they played around on stage like high schoolers, they engaged the crowd, they did everything right, and they brought a radical political message within their ridiculously well put together hip-hop tunes.

After shooting RTJ I made my way back into the crowd because there was no way I was going to miss a second of their set. I danced my way through the crowd looking for the right spot, and when I found it I looked to my right and saw none other than Danny Torgersen dancing next to me.  Me, him, and his green haired lady friend spent the rest of the set dancing together to Close Your Eyes, Call Tictron, Blockbuster Night, and all the rest of their hits.

The three of us embraced, realizing it was probably the last time we would see each other at the fest, but it was time to roll on.  I headed for the Major Lazer photo pit.

Diplo and Switch were already on and going when I got the pit, and they had all of Lost Lake Festival doing the dutty wine all over The Piestewa Stage. You hear stories about a guy like Diplo, about his personality and about him being a lazy performer. I can’t speak for anyone else’s Dipo experience, but he gave me everything I wanted from one of the world’s mega producers.

They had the biggest LED wall I have ever seen, backup dancers, and bass pounding hits. Phoenix doesn’t often get a crack at Major Laser so they made it count in the Copper State and the entire crowd danced as hard as they could. After shooting I found a cozy spot on stage left where Phoenix painter Matty B. was dancing it away with his vibe tribe buddies, before I moved closer and spent the rest of the set dancing next to a pixie cut blonde who I’m pretty sure I knew but couldn’t quite place.

 Whether we knew each other or not was irrelevant, the fact that we kept each other dancing throughout the set is what matters. We never spoke, we hardly made eye contact, but we were there side by side for a while keeping each other’s energy up.

We parted ways before the set ended, and when it did I made my way to meet back up with Josh, my host for the trip. Odesza was another act I had not the time to research going into the festival, but I was properly blown away by their entire set. They provided a most epic end to one of the most incredible festival’s I have ever been too, and what I am sure is one of the best maiden voyages for a fest ever.

Odesza brought the whole crowd into a high and had them stuck there for the duration. Headliners headline and that’s exactly what Colorado’s Odesza did, they occupied the space above the rest of the day’s performers. As far as the musical flow Superfly had provided for the festival, I don’t think there is a single act on earth that could have acted as the festival’s climax better than Odesza.

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ODESZA is really bringing Lost Lake Festival to an epic close. What a spectacular first year festival in the Valley of the Sun.

Posted by rBeatz on Sunday, October 22, 2017

During the middle of the set I literally bumped into someone because of my backpack. I looked at the person, and it was my former neighbor Ana from when I was in college at Arizona State University. We made a quick catch up before getting right back into the groove.

The set ended, and on the way out they set, the fire lilypads did their thing set to Purple Rain as the masses poured out of the festival grounds. I stood alone between the road and the agave maze, watching the fire shoot toward the sky like I had as a younger man at Saguaro Man. When the song finished I waited for my friends closer to the road when I caught a pair of eyes getting wider and wider attached to a handsome mexican face and I heard Cori Rios of The Hourglass Cats blurt out “what are you doing here?” He hugged me and lifted me off the ground, before we had a quick catch up and 30-second hug before we went our separate ways.

I got to neverland and Chance the Rapper told me all I need is happy thoughts, I’ve been flying ever since. Big Ups Lost Lake.

    from rBeatz Radio http://ift.tt/2yaBPsM

[jackblankhsh]

Wedding Crash

Because I did not receive an invitation to the wedding I felt a desire to attend.  I reasoned if they really didn’t want me to come, the bride and groom could’ve taken better steps to prevent me from knowing about the impending nuptials.  Seeing how they brazenly mentioned it on social media, I felt indirectly invited.  Alluding to an open bar, frankly, they might as well have told a moth about a flame. So, in the interest of saving money, with hope of kindling a chance of romance, I ventured downtown to the wedding of Jackie Sanchez and some guy.  

I met Jackie in high school.  The first time I saw her I learned an erection can swell to a painful degree – dick feeling like a rock about to explode apart.  Long licorice colored hair, caramel skin, and sneakers decorated in white out doodles, she inspired feelings I’ve never learned to properly express.  Mainly that’s because there’s no way to charmingly say, “So I was jerking off the other day, thinking of you, and…” whatever comes next is irrelevant.  For some reason most folks aren’t flattered to learn they’re in the spank bank.  Maybe it’s something everyone fears they won’t live up to.  I don’t know, I’ve never had a problem failing people.

Hitching a ride from my buddy Sid, I told him to head to the Art Institute.  He pulled over to the curb, put the car in park, and said, “Do not go to Jackie’s wedding.”

Struggling to put on a tux while seated passenger side, “I resent the implication of your accusation.”

He sighed, “You had four years in high school, four years to ask her out.”

I nodded, “Truth fact.  However, life is a continuous opportunity for those willing to try.  I’m not dead.  Ergo…”

“Fuck yourself,” Sid said, then for emphasis, “Error go fuck yourself.”

“Are you gonna drive me to the Art Institute?”

Shifting the car into gear Sid remarked, “Only to see you fail.”

I truly believe it’s the amount of faith we have in one another that explains why the world is the way it is.  

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Sneaking into any kind of event is an art form.  The amount of security dictates the level of infiltration skill required to achieve a successful sneak.  For instance, breaking into an eighth grade graduation is very different from photo-bombing the President at the State of the Union.  One simply requires ice cream cake and a hammer, while the eighth grade graduation involves chloroform, white wine, peanut dust, and a child sized coffin.

I originally considered crashing the actual wedding, but since it took place in a church I could not.  God and I have an understanding, and though we clearly have little respect for one another, I abide by our agreement:  I stay out of the churches, God stays out of evolution, and the Winter Olympics.  So instead I aimed at the reception.  

Security didn’t appear to be anything other than Art Institute guards.  Instead of preventing flash photography two doorstops in blue blazers checked invites and IDs against a list on a clipboard.  Once again I felt like they left the door wide open. Out of myriad gambits, the way one guard blatantly scratched his ass, hand down the back of his pants to get at bare skin, I decided to go with the maneuver known as the Hideous Hideaway.  

I called up a video on my phone then approached the entrance.  

A guard said, “Good afternoon.  May I see your invitation?”

“Sure thing.” Smiling I fumbled in my pockets, pretending to be unsure of its location.  In the process I pulled out my cell phone which seemed to inspire my remark, “Oh, hey, have you seen this yet?”

I pressed play on the video.  It featured insects devouring a man’s penis while he writhed in agony.  The millipede scrambling down his urethra is as far as most get, missing out on the young woman who comes along to save his cock by stomping the bugs to death.  These two made it all the way to the end.  That made things easier.

As expected, one guard asked, “Where’d you get that?”

I informed her of the link’s location, and while the two hurried to share the hideous spectacle with their friends, I slipped inside.  It almost felt too easy.  Then I stepped into the banquet hall where I immediately bumped into Jackie’s brother Alvaro.  

Alvaro Sanchez Junior always impressed me until he spoke.  He possessed the regal bearing and beauty of an Aztec emperor. Unfortunately, he often spoke with a toxic tone symptomatic of silver spoon poisoning.  This stemmed from the fact Sanchez Senior held a low level, but well connected political position; and many expected Alvaro, as eldest, to assume his father’s spot; regardless of the realities of democracy that political seat belonged to him – voters be damned.  Groomed, practically from birth, to be, as Alvaro liked to say “a leader of men,” he took a method approach to his future.  Like a Strasburg disciple, he stayed in the character of king almighty every moment of the day.  

We literally bumped into one another when, as I stood perfectly still, he walked into me. For a moment I tensed, expecting him to recognize me.  Alvaro never cared for me.  I based this on the fact he often told me, “I don’t care for you.”  However, he assumed from the second rate quality of my tux that I worked as a server.  An assumption made plain when he said:

“Watch where I’m going, and get me some crab puffs, or I’ll have you fired.”  He and a buddy high fived, yet didn’t linger.  So I headed for the open bar.  

There I collected a pair of cocktails, one for each hand.  Draining the glasses steadily, I orbited the banquet hall.  Staying in one spot ran the risk of prolonged conversation, chancing the development of holes in my cover – anonymity my best camouflage.  Still I paused every so often to dance in and out of conversations, killing time saying things like:  

“Baseball is a hell of a game if you can stay drunk… I’ve never been to Guayaquil, but that iguana park sounds fascinating… well, you’d be surprised.  Tuberculosis kills all kinds of career opportunities lemme tell ya (cough, cough)… Oh, I know the best man.  We used to sell runaways to the circus… No ma’am, I don’t think the bride’s dress is too tight.  She’s having trouble sitting because the groom, well, he likes to drill that ass.”

In retrospect, I could have been milder in some regards.  Yet, no one caught on to the presence of a crasher.  I’ve been to several weddings.  They all tend to be the same affair.  A nebula of tables adorned with floral centerpieces, ringed by a smattering of guests with various degrees of connectivity.  Wedding receptions are the only occasion where it’s okay to openly rank family and friends, status defined by seating assignments. Therefore, the trick to remaining discrete involved finding a table with the least desired family and friends. There I could sit, pretending to share in the minimalist joy of having at least been invited.  

“That’s better than Aunt Frida.  No one invites her anywhere.”

“That’s because she’s dead.”

“Only on the inside.  She’s a real downer.”

Still, I occasionally chanced brief hellos with those I recognized.  Her Aunt Morena, who wrote Xicana literature, a woman with a helmet of hair redefining Chicana archetypes.  Grandpa Emilio, whom I always thought of as the old guitarist.  I saw his beloved instrument beside his chair – Ana from the alley of the kiss – and hoped I’d get a chance to hear him play once more.  Cousins Fabiana and Facundo forever locked in a debate about the realism of football.  Friend of the family and party regular Vincent Redon in the 800th retelling of the woman at her toilette he saw after the hurricane ripped her house open. Jackie’s family and friends gathered, while I snuck booze in the background – it felt like old times.  

When dinner arrived, instead of eating I slipped outside for a smoke.  Exiting the room, I jokingly asked the guards if I needed a hand stamp to get back in.

One laughed, “Nope, but you gotta watch this.”  

He showed me a video of four women explosively shitting on the floor.  They then used the excrement as finger paint to draw floral designs on one another like sewer hippies.  I made an exaggerated display of comical disgust.  Delighted, the guards waved me off, and returned to finding more revolting videos.  

Outside I felt my phone buzz.

Sid texted, “I can’t believe you’re still in there.”

“Believe it,” I typed back.

“How much longer?”

Good question, I thought.  

After high school Jackie and I didn’t keep in touch.  By then we’d gone down very different roads.  We used to be kids searching for how to be who we wanted to be, following breadcrumbs laid out by albums, films, and books.  We could agree on the significance of a song, but not the whole album; the brilliance of a line from, though not the entire film, or book.  It seemed to me we were only off by a slight degree, that one shared element would bring us into sync.  But by the time we graduated… we took comfort in dissimilar realities, that one thing never having materialized.

Over a decade later, when social media blossomed, we got back in touch; however, it rarely amounted to more than peripheral interactions.  

Post:  Look at dis cutest kittie!

“Liked” by Jackie Sanchez. 

Strolling back to the banquet area, it dawned on me my infatuation with Jackie stemmed mostly from not dating her.  We never had a romantic relationship, so it never failed; therefore it could’ve been anything.  Possibilities are endless in the absence of contrary evidence.  Because I could only imagine us together I could always imagine us perfectly.  And oddly enough, fantasies have a way of making promises.  

Promises like if I got the DJ to play Patti Smith’s “Because the Night”, the song would inspire the words I needed to say to win her heart.  Seizing one last bold chance for love go up to the head table while the song fills the air, and speak – about this time I realized I hadn’t merely been vividly imagining the scenario, but actually now stood in front of the head table, Jackie staring over her pollo relleno in wide eyed disbelief.  

“Howdy do?” I said, immediately regretting my very existence.  If nothing else, I doubt any romantic victory ever began with howdy do, although I could be wrong.

Jackie blinked, “I’m good.  How… how are you?”

“Not bad.” I put my hands in my pockets, wondering how many times I’d have to punch myself in the throat with my keys before I finally killed myself.  I said, “It’s been a while.”

“Yes it has,” she nodded, “The last time I saw you, you set my boyfriend’s car on fire.”

“This is that guy?” her husband said.  He suddenly looked desperate to call the police.  

Smiling, I said, “That is indeed me.”  

“What are you doing here?” Jackie asked.

I sincerely believe honesty is the best move.  However, on this occasion, I lied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I’m here to steal a painting, saw y’all in here, and thought I’d stop by to say congratulations.”

“Thanks?” her husband said.

“Thank you,” Jackie smiled.  She got up, hurried around the table to hug me.  She smelled amazing, the kind of aroma that cures depression.  She whispered in my ear, “You’ll go to jail if you steal a painting.  Please tell me this is some deranged romantic stunt.”

It felt like an opening, yet I oddly enough knew better.  I squeezed her gently, “Nope.”  Stepping away from her I waved to the groom, “Once again, congratulations.  I’d stay, but timing is everything.  Don’t want to miss my moment.”

Heading out, feeling several eyes on me, I texted Sid:  "be out front, engine running, backseat open.“

Minutes later, running down the steps of the Art Institute, carrying one of Monet’s “Haystacks” – I had to steal something to diminish the lie – I found myself wondering what else I needed to let go of.  Diving into the backseat of Sid’s car, we peeled out, rocketing home.  

Glancing in the rearview Sid said, “What the fuck is that?”

“One of six, 25 technically – they can spare one.”

He cracked a beer, “So how was the reception?”

“A little too clear.”  

My impression of the past would no longer be the same, but that’s just growing up.  I tapped Sid on the shoulder.  He handed me a beer.  Opening it I thought, "Here’s to you Jackie.  I’m glad you’re happy.”

Sid said, “You know alotta marriages end in divorce.”

“Yeah.” But I didn’t feel like hoping for that. I felt like finding another dream girl, only this time actually trying to hold her instead of chasing the mirage.