#thought id say this since im setting more boundaries for myself and shit

[kr0hbar]

important note on my page:

now thats taken care of, i will be changing my username soon to suit myself better instead of "kr0hbar" since im not exactly Krow anymore

[huntedspy2]

gonna scream into the void for a second

trying to be more genuine with myself and others. Reaching out or complimenting people even if I'm scared to do so. opening up to people more, asking for help or setting boundaries. I also want to feel less scared of how I use tumblr. I want to be able to use my main blog without feeling like ill annoy others, or being more open about my kin identities. I often feel cringe for it which makes no sense because this is the "cringe website". like I can and should be myself this is my online experience

I was planning to redesign my blogs' structures before making the Big Switch but I think that's what's holding me back

For about a month now too I've been building a personal website on github purely for my gender hoard, kinlist, and pronoun/name info. It was originally for ponytown (lol) but it's been helping me improve my html and css skills andddd its been making me feel more inspired to make a general personal website

the ideas I have for a personal website would to just make it my place. I want to have info about my ocs on there, thoughts on certain media, random pages with useless shit that are there just because its fun. and I want to include stuff like the gender hoard and kinlist pages on there too because again, I want to be more genuine

I am the most stressed and anxious I've been in so long. my jaw clenching has started up again, I'm getting acne again, I constantly feel tense and my chest is always anxious feeling and tight, I've been losing the motivation to make meals and eat and losing energy. I cant keep up with college and at this point I don't know if I made the right choice in computer science. I have a passion for working with computers, but I realize now that passion leaned more towards the IT side of things and. im in CS. I have no motivation or ideas for doing projects outside of coursework unlike a lot of my peers. I'm closeted so I feel like I'm just fitting their stereotype of "girl cant do cs!!!!!". fuck!!!!!!!!

parents stressing me out and overall not taking into accountability I have disabilities

thats another thing, I haven't been able to get my ADHD properly treated since I got it diagnosed 4years ago. I also know im autistic but I dont want to get formally diagnosed bc of several issues, so speaking up for myself with that disability is impossible when my parents don't think im autistic and don't like self diagnosis

maybe its not too late to finish my degree and do a 180 and get into 3d modeling. I'm sure my passion with art could mesh with my programming skills there or something

I don't know who I am really. I always feel like other people have aesthetics or themes that fit them, and here I am with so many different interests in aesthetics and themes that I cant choose one. hoe do people choose a theme for a website? how do people decorate their profiles with a clear and solid theme? I feel like I always have 20 different themes that I want at the same time, its hard to choose one and have people only perceive that one with you

I have a headache rn

on the plus side i also had the tastiest clementine in possibly my whole life

I always remind myself I am only 21 I am so young in the grand scheme of things. but outside pressure wants me to know who I am at this exact moment. its so hard

fish and aquariums have quickly become a special interest within the last 2 months id say. im debating between a 10 or 20 gallon and what id stock it with. im thinking honey gourami and neon tetras and shrimp, but I love the idea of a betta fish or a crayfish. I've had to take care of a crayfish before they're lively little creatures

I want to be more social with people and make new friends or at least gaming friends, but im always apprehensive because I know ill be masking. need to try to open up more, might play more vrchat to socialize but its hard

[wazm]

kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 11

Watching weight makes me nervous watching my jawline get softer the hinges can sing softly now I feel alone i feel alone right in front and in my own. To be alone to be alone in front of the store and on my own My own Slowly trip and fall developing pictures of how we came to know it all line the halls and our greatest achievements, to remind us when we feel weak, the tiny difference you feel when you speak The infinite saga of expansion, contraction, development destruction. The infinite saga of my life. Everything is a joke. I have been walking this earth for so many thousands of years and I still don't feel right. Last I remember it was dark night and I saw a certain type of spider that had never caught my eye before, I followed it and it was almost as if I was going into one of those underground caves but it wasnt, and I know it because I could still see the moon. It was full. And I walked and walked in the dark, over thorns I walked over them and it hurt a lot of ways but I kept walking. I kept going and going and going until I don't remember when. I didn't even get a chance to get some water. I can't remember when I last had a drink. Next thing you know I wake up all tiny and new feeling,  I've been walking around only a few years and my body is different than before. The lines that are my border are more defined now. I feel as though I've stumbled upon something great. I have this thing in my hand. Its a train with wheels and a string. I think I know who made it for me. I see my dad and I have a happy feeling in my heart, because he always tells me nice things about myself I fucking love my new shoes. I got them for 12 dollars in the Bronx. I always feel connected to everyone inn the train. Well,  id like to think that it sounds really sweet to me. I can't get my snack out of my bag cause my bag smells like weed and there's a little kid next to me. I can't do that and still feel right. Also my back spine is being really painful lately and I don't know what to do about it I can't stop making the sounds and twisting up. Maybe its more of that I need to be doing, but in an artfully presented way. Like in my band. Not my actual spine...its hard enough being beautiful as an early 20s woman I don't need to be deformed as I grow older.  Oh god. This train will be over at Fulton street. Then I have to take another train only one stop into Brooklyn so i can meet my friend Rowan. You know what? I can't be so cheap. If I have the money I can spend it, unless there's something specific I want that I'm saving for. Oh god is this train over yet? There's some genius in the design of this thing but I really don't see why its mandatory that we suffer through this long ordeal. Fuck me, I need a bike, and I need one now. Once I have my bike, I can set my shit up. Once I set my shit up, I won't have any use for these thoughts. Then I can do my jewelry vending. I am always mad at myself when I want to do something because i haven't already done it. Maybe I slack on myself sometimes. Just feel thus terrible undeserving. I want to eat with my friends. Im really scared of this guy staring at me. What am I gonna do? He can't hurt me but the more I focus on it the worse I feel. Its hard to think straight and see straight. And I just want to eat a bit of fruit and some nuts and ill be feeling a lot better. I wonder if anyone will love my eating disorder as much as I do. After I finish this one thing...I think maybe I will be letting go of a lot of that after this. My zine. I have to release something. Soon I can do a writing excersize where I follow that thought and figure it out. The more I think about it the worse it gets is that guy still staring at me? Fml. Why do these things happen to women? Shit is fucked. I'm so so so not going to let that stop me. I ran into Jonathan yesterday. He is always a lot of thoughts for me. I still can't believe I actually made that happen. I wanted to Fuck him for so long. And its crazy cause he's actually a musician that's influenced me a lot. It meant a lot to me. Haha. Probably a good thing to distance myself? But I don't want to distance myself from things I like. Like him. Shit that's crazy. I wanted him when I heard his guitar playing before I ever seen his face. That crazy dizzy feeling is just hovering above me when I think about him. That's enough. Here's what happened yesterday: I had just the day before realized that I could busk in Columbus circle after my class at the art students league. I remembered that Jonathan said his therapy thing was by Columbus circle thursdays at 10 am. So of course I obsess and wonder if I shouldn't busk cause I know he might be there. But I decide Fuck that, he can see me. And besides, my class is over after 12 pm. I go at 12 30 and stay around till maybe 4 pm, and I had drank water and needed to pee so i went into the whole foods. You have to go down an escalator to go to this whole foods. I noticed a guy with a guitar going to the escalator at the same time as me. I got a feeling like we were in the same shit so I looked up to say hello and it was jonathan! It felt insane. I knew it could happen but I wasn't expecting it that day. I always say too much, maybe its cause I think too much. Cause I think too much. Afterthoughts I would really like to feel normal. Or some concept that I hold in normal. I would like a nice life and to be calm at least most of the time. Jonathan just makes me excited Non responding ass bit I am worth novels and librarians Its always this obsessiveness when I get into someone new. I'm so needy I get this rush of feelings Sipping coffee tranquil..if I could find the closest bathroom. Check the closets for racists and hoarders Everyone looks at me everywhere I go This seltzer is my lifeline. I'm about to have to carry a lot of music equipment on my own. I can't be held responsible for this bullshit I think your boundaries are arbitrary and I can't help but cross the line. Since I'm trying to be a nice person I will try to leave you alone. I get obsessed with wanting to have sex with someone when I want emotional closeness with them. This is why I wanted to fuck Jonathan and Ariel so badly. What I really wanted was emotional intimacy and to feel loved by my partner. But I thought it would come through sex, instead of actually sharing all my emotions. I seem to have an easier time sharing my negative emotions. This is because that's what I learned was safe. God forbid I display joy and be punished by my mother's jealousy. That's fucked up but I don't care cause its worth it to know the truth. I want to not feel afraid to show who I really am. I hate feeling restricted to be my whole self and display all my talents. And I feel myself getting tired of attacking in order to display power. I don't need to attAck maybe.. Maybe if I write something I can make this train ride go faster. How is popping xan a thing to people? Oh god. I wonder if Jonathan has guessed at my obsession with him. Every time I think about him I have a million other thoughts. I have already identified that my true desire was emotional intimacy, not sex. I kind of still want to have sex with him. It feels good. But now I want to feel like he feels the same thing I feel. Feelings never end. There is no end to feeling in this earth body. Earthly. Heavenly. Okay. Since I know what I really wanted, maybe now I can just go directly for that instead of fucking guys to try and lure them into being my partner. I want a partner. I will be up front with my emotions so that people know what I'm getting into and what they're getting into with me. Keeping in mind that I have a habit of expelling my negative emotions onto other people in a sort of attack/attempt to be rescued... And that doesn't feel the same as having someone just see me whole and entirely. I hold a lot of joy as well as sadness and anger. I think it's time I treat myself to the good feeling emotions, and forget about other people's jealousy and judgements. Self help queen!! I don't know what to do with myself she thought. All these shows are hurting my head. Just knowing about them not even going to them. That is madness. I wish someone wanted to talk to me Maybe if I write something I can conquer my biggest fears and maybe get somewhere in life. The constant clicking maybe is a sign of awakening, I don't know I could sure use this coffee to dig up my uncertainty and take it downtown in my backpack, or maybe even travel back in time and decide, never have that. You're getting clearer all the time don't feel bad for where you are. Making speaking in metaphors easy cause rtheyre symbols, I feel uneasy at knowing, like my knowing is dangerous, a coveted jewel sought by world class robbers. I would watch a movie with Jonathan. I can't help it. I am insatiable. Always going to hunger for him. Is my face fat? Are we in love yet? Billie holiday All of me Ill be seeing you Easy living Summertime God bless the child Crazy he calls me Gloomy Sunday Not yet Strange fruit What a little moonlight can doBillie holiday All of me Ill be seeing you Easy living Summertime God bless the child Crazy he calls me Gloomy Sunday Not yet Strange fruit What a little moonlight can do I forgot what Ariel looked like then I saw a picture of him and I got sad cause I want to cuddle :( As usual I'm in the middle of 10 to 11 existential crisises. You wouldn't believe the awful thoughts I'm having. I'm working door at a show. There is only white people I swear I've never seen anything like it. They all want to be part of something bigger than themselves. Everything I do is an incoming and outgoing echo. Does that make sense? I can feel the difference and I can was the difference in effect. Give them a mean look they know it came from me. They know it comes from you. I don't want to walk in that room alone. Not tonight. I need a friend. My heart is telling me what's right. Get some more excersize in. How about that? That doesn't sound too bad right? How about I find I different street corner to smoke my joint on. Alone. Always smoking alone. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will. Its not like I have anything better to do. Other than smoke, or write or check facebook. Wallow in anxiety feels like laying in thorns. I could get up but my punishment isn't over. There's a difference in the way I'm feeling when I'm really doing something that I want to be doing and speaking in the right language and everything. That album languid by sun ra gives me feelings when I think about it. Everything gives me feelings because I react to it in my opinion zone. Haahahaha. Just like to have to make everything sexual don't we? I could follow this thought but it doesn't feel good. Make it different. It has to be different and better than before. This believing is making me feel crusty I have to care about the number of followers I have because that is a way for me to start feeling good about myself also it is what I have always wanted before Instagram existed, even. Is it? Do I really believe that? I have a theory I think that I got sick because I had a very negative disposition. Not just the eating disorder stuff, but after...when I was trying so hard to go back to being normal, trying to heal and find my struggle. Hitting every mark. But I got such bad chronic pains every night no matter what I did...and I do believe it was in my habits..ugh I am going to be rejected because I still have issues with food. Nobody really knows about that part of me. I feel like lonely and I miss these people. Its always in your feelings you are always sharing feelings, especially since you haven't thought about energetic boundaries since before you could grasp the concept. It just slipped out of your hands and left them ashy I know you were feeling lonely too and missing me. The thoughts in my head have bodies help me before I go crazy. No I know what's perfect for me the shade of a tree is the refuse and me is taking refuge in rebellion causing all kinds of hell On earth boy its a hot hot day and I cannot stop what I'm doing On a drop of rain a plucking vein in your wrist I don't know how to make myself feel better because I don't want to feel better