wazm

[wazm]

[wazm]

Fuck what you told me if you showed me different

[wazm]

i just needed a space to vent cos i kinda dont have much

im just so heart broken..i dont know what to with myself...i know we broke up ages ago but im only feeling it now and i dont think i’ll ever love anyone the way i loved you and it just hurts me so much because of the timing...

no job again...no lover...my family members are passing away, no friends and somehow i think i got covid and all i do is think about you...and the promise i made to you...i even promised to myself that we’ll get married and live the life we’ve always dreamt of...and now its like i cant see a future that isnt ours...and it just hurts me so badly that im here...offering you everything i have to offer to you....and its just no enough...im sorry i messed up our relationship...ive cried almost everyday for the last 2 months.....i dont speak to anyone cos i dont have anyone..you were my everything and i dont have your hand anymore the way once did and i regret not making you smile more...and buying you more flowers...and learning how t drive sooner so you can just be cute in the passenger seat just to make things easier for you...theres so much things i regret not doing and holding back...and things ive said that i wish i never said...theres just so much we’ve gone through...i really just wanted to give you the world you deserved.

 Now that i have nothing, all i long to hear is your voice telling me “its going to be okay schoobie, i love you so much, everythings okay” i just long to be in your arms again, recognizing your scent..finding your hair in my bed...i miss you so much and right now the only thing holding me back from messaging you, is knowin you’re going to reject me. its just so hard to genuinely smile these days and fill this void you’ve left in my heart. ive never felt love this deply before and i dont think i ever will...i just need any kind of help or guidance cos nothing i am tyring is making me feel better

[wazm]

So I started therapy yesterday. Or whatever you call therapy via the phone. I really thought I had no friends or nobody to speak to but my ex-colleague Riaz probably did the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. His work offers free therapy for workers and their family members. He listed me as his cousin and after afew days I finally ended up calling the number. The first therapist wasn't very responsive. She just let me speak. Didn't acknowledge me until I said I was suicidal. She made me kill the call immediately and get work information from Riaz. He took a while to get back to me but I got the info and called again. Seems like the first lady didn't even take down my information, I wasn't listed or anything. I then got a new therapist. Had to go over 30 minutes of talking with the new lady. She was nice. Her name was Miley. I repeated everything I did the first time to the first therapist but during the first time of doing it, I balled my eyes out, snot pouring out my nose. Never understand why your nose needs to run while crying. Anyways...I think after speaking for an hour with Miley we made a break through. The things I initially said seemed very much surface level compared to the things I said later in our session. We ended up speaking about my family and my relationships instead of recent negative experiences that I thought was the cause to this negative emotions. Miley said something so profound, I never put 2-and-2 together. We concluded I needed to forgive my family members. I needed to forgive everyone of everything they've done to hurt me. I woke up Fajr only thinking about my session last night. I wrote down how I wanted to approach my family. I'm just really afraid nothing's going to come from confronting them and trying to ask for their forgiveness. I really don't know exactly how to forgive them. I don't think I've ever forgiven anyone before. Even tho I was suicidal again today, I thought about how I could forgive everyone. Hopefully the next time I write a post on here it will only be positive things that leads me to becoming the person I need to Be.

[wazm]

Wish I had an escape...I probably do have many options, I just don't know about them rn. I wish I can be in the future and look back on this and be proud of myself for getting out of this situation.

It's really tough trying to not be the common denominator to all issues when everyone around blames you, points out, you caused the issues and you know, I've tried staying out of the way and isolating myself from everyone but im wrong for doing that too.

Naturally Im a people's-person but it just seems like people don't genuinely like me. No friends. A family that hates me and reminds me I'm a failure, a girlfriend that doesn't genuinely care about me. No job. Not studying and to make me feel worse about everything, I've tried. I've tried and I've tried to make all those things work. I don't even have anyone to vent to. I started conversation with afew people around me to tell them how I feel but it seems so meaningless to them. These 'homies' of mine don't even reply to my msgs when I'm trying to open up to them. Or I get responses like "yoh, that's alot to take in rn" after you've barely mentioned what's going on, then *continues to not reply to me* and I swear I'll do anything for anyone, I'll do my best everytime and I've never expected anything in return from anyone but it hurts being alone and isolated and feeling like there's nowhere or no1 to turn to. Its true what they say, you don't have friends when times are tough.

I need out of my relationship with these 'friends', I need out of my relationship with my girlfriend, the worst and the factor that breaks me down the most, is that I need out of the relationship with my family. My mother and eldest sister is by far my biggest bullies in my life. I wish my life would be like a movie and I'd have a traditional bully that I could end up fighting back and I'd be the protagonist that would live happily ever after after confronting my problem.

But my life's not a movie and all these problems are my own and I need to sort them out...I really want to sort out my issues. I've tried, daily, it's a battle just leaving my room most days, but like I said, i naturally want human interaction in my life and overlooking problems for some positive interactions always seem so close but yet so far.

[wazm]

wish i did alot of things different, heres to being the change i need to be for a better future 

[wazm]

kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..

[wazm]

[wazm]

feel..peoples..life..

[wazm]

[wazm]

me applying for any job: so here’s the false identity I’ve constructed to appeal to you,

[wazm]

you can have someone who loves you by your side and still be unhappy because you don’t love yourself

Unknown (via

words-of-emotion

)

 (via words-of-emotion)

[wazm]

[wazm]

Cheese and onion on cheese and onion

Baby don't be grumps Becuase im warning you about the cheese Here it goes.. Something something something ...you are the weakness in my knees So I haven't given you cheese in a while and I might be rusty. But please baby,I don't want your vagina to be dusty. I wana be there for you when you wake up, I wana be the reason for your smile I wana make you wet and moist. Flowing like the nile. So baby please be happy and enjoy my bread. Idk if you're grumpy because of something I said.

[wazm]

Im trash

[wazm]

Nothing more attractive than someone with passion for something, who looks at things positively and is always seeking to better themselves.

(via words-of-emotion)

  (via words-of-emotion)

[wazm]

YOU CANT CHANGE THE VOLUME OF THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD

FUCKING TRY I DARE YOU

ITS IMPOSSIBLE AND ITS REALLY FUCKING WITH MY MIND SOMEONE HUG ME