#though i never went to middle school...
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hey u guys should read this. i listened to it while drawing and really enjoyed it.
[Deiforms Masterpost]
Chapter One: The End of All Things
ao3 link
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Part One
Part Two
Part Three
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Chapter Two: Bullrush
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
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Chapter Three: The Complete and Total Collapse of an Atheist Society
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
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More TBA
#reblog tag#deiforms#nerve reblog#writing#big fan of stories that've been in development since middle school#technically Loose Stitches is one of those too haha#though i never went to middle school...
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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People are soooooooooo quick to shit on people who deal with emotional disregulation it makes me fucking sick. When you express your stress through tears you're a crybaby. When you're quick to frustration, you're either overly dramatic or you're violent and scary. When you have the gall to get too happy, you're childish or straight up crazy.
Living with emotional disregulation comes with having to grow thick skin because people will call you every fucking name under the sun because you have the audacity to express emotions that are constantly ramped up to an eleven no matter which one you're feeling. You're loud, you're sensitive, you're overemotional, you're weak, you're soft, you're childish, you're naive, you're too much you're too much you're too much you're too much you're too much you're a burden because people now have to handle you.
Where do people think they have a right to judge others for feeling? I may be quick to express my emotions, but you're quick to judge and condemn and on a societal level that should be worse.
#my bullies in elementary school knew i had problems regulating my emotions so they'd say things where i could hear them.#they were never overtly mean things but they would say it in a mean tone and then giggle at me. and when i went to tell a teacher#the teachers would just roll their eyes at me. it's not bullying because they're not saying mean things#(even though they're clearly weaponizing something out of your control you don't have the language to describe)#my middle school bully heard my teachers call me overemotional and that stuck to me for all three years.#my coworkers and managers will shit-talk me behind my back for âbeing so dramaticâ it happens no matter where i am.#i'm so used to people looking down their noses at me because clearly i can't be taken seriously. clearly i'm just naive and immature.#i just. my broken bleeding heart keeps weeping into my hands and i can't staunch it.#but i don't even want to staunch it. hearts are supposed to bleed aren't they?
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omg guys yesterday i said i was gonna answer asks and disappeared sorry TWT
#pls forgive me... i am stupid.#lol i went down a rabbit hole of trying to find old kh fics on ff.net#the whole fic finding adventure the other day upset me#like... how many of my old faves are missing now? how many will i never remember the titles of? :(#fucked me up real good#the good news is though. that i found a lot of them! so yay!#i also swiftly downloaded them just in case#haha#also i reread some and...#a lot of them are Bad! and it makes me cry bc when i was in middle school this shit was fucking high shelf literature okay?#like... it's so fucking funny. i was like 12 and the writings of the like 17yos in high school were godly to me TWT#now i'm like. oh.. bestie this sucks! but it's still fun to read haha#anyway. i'll answer asks eventually ig?#i haven't really felt myself the last couple days? so that's weird.#just haven't felt like i'm real so???#mental illness georg over here lkgnklgjdlkg#no one read all this :( no one's gonna see my joke sigh#diaerie
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Actually what do I study if I am kind of a little bit a stem-girlie but also really definitely not. And I like psychology, religion, languages and linguistics, cultural anthropology/ethnography. Like maths (algebraic, bad at numbers), abhor statistics, like physics (but really bad at a lot of it), dislike chemistry, is okay with biology but not extremely passionate about it quite lukewarm really though medicine is my favorite aspect of it and i kind of like it. Well?
#is good with words but bad at reading due to concentration issues and really really bad with numbers and a lot of abstract things also#not rly interested in political science or economics#history never grabbed my attention that much#in that case i am more interested in pre-historic times#or ancient times too#from prehistoric to the neolithic revolution and then onwards until a few hundred years A.D#but then my interest wanes#oh i know its when christianity enters the story lol#ruining everything interesting in history and the cultures#im intersted in scandinavian history pre-christianity#and like every countrys individual history#i guess i like philosophy too its kind of my natural state existential crisis is my middle and last name#first wrote that i am good at thermodynamics and electricity for physics then was like oh yes i am good with nuclear/atomic physics too#then i was like Girl what in the world are you talking about. you are not. good at those things#and then realized oh high school physics probably does count#and that atmoic physics had a lot of math and thats why i got it#basically like the physics was so simple that it was just mathematics#like putting the atoms into a formula or whatever we did#oh it was my favorite though#but yeah. i am not. like. who the fuck do i think i am#(went to swedish version of high school specialized in natural science to clarify so idk if its just regular hs physics but still girl no)
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ok im listening to the doc and wow this dude really needs to move on from the 80s and get a life... BUT also the doc is trying to make it seem like all teens in the 80s 'identified' with these characters? is that true for you guys? i never did. but i also didnt identify with clue*less or even vero*nica mars which was pretty solidly my era. the doc is trying to claim that this hegemony of 'identification' is a good thing and that the multiple options of today is making it harder for teens to relate to each other as a group. but the doc is saying this from the pov of a rich white dude. i would argue that today's much broader representation - watching a korean american girl starring in her own teen girl rom com where she is shown to look past the racism of the 80s movies in order to enjoy sixteen c*andles.... I think that is a million times better than what came before. the definition of who could tell stories in the 80s was so much more narrow, it was absurd. and to all the boys was blatantly critiquing that. it was supposed to be sad that lara jean is forced to endure stereotypes just to get her movie romance fix. it's also notable in that movie that lara jean identified most with books, where you could kind of imagine a main character however you wanted even if technically you knew they didnt look like you.
tldr my question to my other 30 somethings would be if 'br*at pack' was ever a bad thing in your lifetime and if you actually identified with these kids in the movies who seemed to have no direction or care in life beyond their tiny little suburban world. cause that was certainly never me as a teen lol. fascinating to watch and fun to imagine living as but not relatable.
#jrnlsht#its like people who think miss swifts music is enjoyed by teen girls because they all identify with it#rather than it just being an appealing ideal and simple narrative to enjoy more than real life#also EVERYONE i knew growing up looked at the bra*t pack affectionately like breakfast*c*lub was idolized#it was a good story! it was fun to watch!#maybe 80s kids really did grow up that sheltered with a small world?#growing up in the 90s we were painfully aware of our place in the world and that even as children we had to have goals in life#and that there was no time for fucking around#but we also had 9*/11 and the poltical fallout which sparked debates at the middle school lunch table#i imagine teens nowadays are probably even more aware of global conflict around them than I was#or maybe my group of friends were just weird and everybody around us were clueless without our realizing#i dont think so though i give teenagers more credit than that#i mean i was younger than 10 when people started asking what college i was going to#not my parents btw im talking total strangers#my dad never put any pressure on me to do anything it was not his style#his style was disappointment if i ever put a toe out of line lol#like yes of course you arent going to college sure thats fine but still if you dont take the hardest classes and#get straight As you will shame me#which 100% worked i idolized my dad#and then i went to one of the top colleges in the country like it was easy đ¤Ł
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important question. what's the scariest fnaf animatronic (if you think any of them are scary)? to me it will always be golden freddy bc I had 20 million mental illnesses in middle school and all of them told me he was going to Jeff the KILL ME in real life. ok thanks goodnight
Golden Freddy is a solid choice!
I'm not really scared of any of them (I love real animatronics very, very much, so when I look at FNAF ones I mostly feel bad and think "I COULD SAVE HIM I COULD WASH AND BRUSH AND FIX HIM") but I think design-wise Withered Chica is the creepiest. Something about her gaping mouth and handless T-pose is just... off. Thanks for asking!!
#fnaf#ask#hungary has no theme parks at all since 2k13 and has never had any animatronic pizzerias or anything like that so it's an unfortunate#interest to have... i went to the us to see a friend in 2019 and we went to disneyworld and i actually cry if i think about the carousel of#progress for too long. that was huge for me#we didn't go to chuck e cheese bc we thought you need a child with us for that but it turns out that's just something my friend's#parents told him when he was getting big and they didn't want to take him to chuck e cheese anymore HAHA#i'm ranting though sorry none of this is relevant#anyway. fazbear entertainment could exploit and underpay me and the animatronics could give me nerve damage and five concussions and I'd#still be like :D bnuy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#when i was in middle school i was the most afraid of foxy banging on the door#.txt
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i am once again overwhelmed by love for humans as a whole
#just. fuck#oh my god. oh my god. i love humans. i love humans and i love life and i love that i get to be a part of it#it sucks sometimes and there are awful terrible things that happen and im not going to deny any of that#but just. im thinking about all the strangers who've ever been kind to me and im overwhelmed with love#the girl ive never seen before who grabbed me to dance during my last homecoming with the biggest smile on her face#the kid who taught me where to dig for clay in a lake when i was 8 who told me he loved me when i said i had to leave#the stranger at the last show i went to who held onto my shoulder as we jumped and yelled and laughed together#the little girl who came into my workplace today that told me with the most starstruck face that she liked my hair#the older lady who helped me pick up all my things after i dropped them in a park after an incredibly hard day#the trio of teenage boys who played with me on the playground for hours one evening when i was 6 because they saw i was lonely#the random man who bought me the snack i tried to put it back when i realized i didn't have enough money for it#the teen girls who chased off some guy who tried to kick my head in and then ran back to hold my hands and make sure i was okay#fuck. i love people. i love human beings so much.#i love being alive and im so so glad i made it past middle school even though i thought i wouldn't#i get to look at sunsets and sunrises and i get to pet dogs and i get to wade around in lakes and pools and ponds#i get to hug and hold people and i get to laugh so hard my stomach hurts and i get to yell and scream in happiness#i get to eat good food and listen to good music and i get to run and jump and dance#i get to see beautiful things and i get to watch strangers live their lives around me and i get to be a part of it all#it's amazing!!! fuck!!!! i get to be a part of it all!!!!!#i love being alive and i love that ive made it this far#i don't know what the future holds but im just so glad im even here at all#sorry about the long sappy ramble and i know this probably looks weird but i could not care less#im just overwhelmed with love for everything
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https://x.com/megansstats/status/1751747785647337777?s=46&t=QiKHdDdvKoMxWGyakqTvxA
Of course I saw this!!! Meganâs got angels watching over her â¤ď¸. The fact that all that came out simply because barbz photoshopped her nose to look bigger than what it actually is in order to say that she had work done is so weird, but very typical of them. But theyâve always been a pretty disgusting fanbase. Iâve even had issues with them before and I donât argue with ANYONE online đ⌠theyâre like hit dogs who move in as soon as they smell blood. All this for a woman married to a registered offender đŹ.
https://x.com/quinveer/status/1751721132745470056?s=46&t=cKo2jnMIiVKeu8vnu79EyQ
#Megan has always seemed like a legit sweetheartâŚ#we donât know these celebrities and I donât rly keep up with any not even her but when youâre kind to people#they will remember it#and the kind of person you were regardless of where you are in life even if the path youâve reached wasnt where you intended to go#i remember seeing this old court video of some guy crying because of the judge recognizing him from their middle school days#he started to break down after she went on about how he was one of the nicest kids in class and was always a good person to be around#I know that he mustâve been ashamed to be standing in front of her like that#idk the outcome or the details behind that case or anything#but I think about it every once in a while#anyway#I saw the actual tread of Meganâs old classmate talking about her and it was really sweet to see other classmates of hers in the thread#saying that she was never mean to anyone and even though she was popular she talked to everyone and was always pleasant to be around#like what we see is her#again#people will remember if you were a good person no matter how much times passes#similarly to if you were known as a bully. people never forget these things especially those affected#tkf replies#the-morose-musings-of-mewaddlee
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''I'm not like other americans I wear skirts tee-hee'' everyone wears skirts lol you're not special
I'm special, everyone says so. đŠˇ
#It really is just yoga pants and jeans/slacks in the city though#More and more girls are starting to wear skirts lately though which is really cute#And honestly I got mildly picked up for only wearing skirts when I was in middle/high school which is silly but it's kind of rare here#Mostly I just hate how pants feel tbh#And I don't like the looks lol I tried to wear yoga pants to work once and an old man took a picture of my butt while I was grabbing a drin#The camera shutter went off and everything I wanted to throw up and cry and never wore them again#Long skirts hide your form more so I only wear tiny ones or pants when I'm out with my fiancĂŠ and men can't be creepy
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weird how in 1 it's like. kind of implied you have to pay to enter the museum. but after that they just. don't bother-
#puppy rambles#yo-kai watch#in 2 i guess you could make an argument that nate/katie just still has their ticket from 1#(even though it isn't in their inventory)#n in 3 that argument works for nate still#but doesn't really work for hailey#i mean granted she literally lives in breezy hills#weird how breezy hills is like the rich person area n yet there's apartments there. are the apartments expensive too#i like how the apartments that hailey lives in just don't exist in 1 and 2 at all#hailey's existence honestly makes some things confusing#how did nate literally never even see hailey before they meet in 3 when they went to the same school#did hailey transfer or something? if so then where from???#we don't see any other elementary schools. or even middle schools or high schools#just one elementary school n one preschool#i mean there is definitely a high school somewhere there ARE high schooler npcs#... which makes nate/katie seemingly still being in 5th grade in 3 even more confusing#there's probably a middle school somewhere therefore right???#cuz that means the elementary school isn't just an all ages school#so???#very confusing-
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#just found out one of my friends is back in town after being away for uni#bc she posted on ig photos of her hanging out with some of my other friends#she hasnât texted me in months#the last text I sent to her (on her birthday no less) she didnât even respond to and idk if her number is just fucked or smth#bc Iâve talked in groupchats sheâs in. I sent a photo of my hair to them last week and everyone but her responded to it#but idek if that matters bc she came back to town and seemingly hung out with everyone but me#like. we were really close you have to understand. it was me and her and another girl#and we had been a trio all through middle and high school#and there are pictures of her hanging out with our other friend. just the two of them#when she didnât even let me know she was back in town#I want to think her text is broken or smth but if she wanted to get in contact with me she has my ig and my snap#Iâm worried she doesnât like me anymore bc why wouldnât she tell me she was back?#why wouldnât she ask the group to hang out all together again?#if I went out of town the moment I came back Iâd ask the group to hang out#and that was my plan when I knew theyâd all gotten back into town!#I wanted us to go to dinner or maybe go to the club together#since our birthdays are all close to each other and i though we should celebrate#but I didnât even know she was back in town. either of them honestly#do they not like me anymore?#maybe they never really did. for all our time together we never shared a ton of interests#but I thought we were still good friends despite that#but maybe not.#And now I donât want to text her. I donât want to reach out and ask why she didnât bother with me#bc maybe she doesnât want to be friends anymore and I donât want to encroach on that#but I feel really shitty. I canât even welcome her back#idk#this sucks.#vent
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"give me a beer, a lullaby, and a word in my ear" -guy at a speed dating event in my dream
#dream log#also had a dream that this green alien came up to me on the street and like wanted me to pick it up and take it somewhere#the like video game objective changed to#changed to go home#but i didnt know where that was so i just started running#but as i. running the alien is like bouncing and it starts blushing#and later when i put in down to kind ageg my bearings its like super wet#between the legs and im like. oh man i think i need to fuck this thing#and i know theirs a game mechannic where you can have sex in bushes and stiff but im like 'no ill just go home first' but when i pick the#alien back up i get a 'failed objective' notification cause i never made it home i guess :(#and another dream. i was back in middle school math. there was a seat that was right infront of and right next to two people i was friends#with plus super close to my crush (other side of my friend) and there was a guy sitting there#but he was like. literally a fly. so i snapped and he just dropped dead.#and i got to sit there. my friend then was like âsee this?â and pointed to her lip#and i wa slike âyeahâ even though i didnt see anything#and she was like âyou can hide a lot of your burdens but you cant hide a hickeyâ and i was like. man. am i supposed to do somehting sbout#that? idk im pretty sure this is a dream. did she actually say this to me before? am i supposed to do somehting now?â. but then the dream#ended#THEN these are out of order but then i had a dream i was in some sort of summer camp thing? people kept going home. my friend M. went home#home and left me a bunch of her clothes. one of the guys asked some sort of question about sleeping with him. and i was like âno? lol.â#then i invited a different guy to come watch me change and that first guy was i guess also in the room and was like âyou know people can se#you through the window right?â and i was like âduh. its ohio. thats kinda the point.â#so. whatever that one means.#THEN last one THEN my cousin drove me to an abandoned trailer to explore and it had âtoo loâ or something spray painted on it or somehting#so then he finished the word to say âtoo longâ or somehting of that nature. and then spray panted the handle of the door blue#and we went in side but the inside was all done up? like really fucking fancy#the kitched was completely lainted in this van gogh style and my cousin goes âthis isnt haunted... its fixed up.â#so wel left. i think be showed me something else before that too but i dont remember#in the summer camp one i spent a long time trying to find these snake/pomegranate earings? they were blue abd green
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Kind of endearing that despite their obvious strained dynamic Utahime and Gojo trust each other
#It's sort of like Nanami and Gojo's dynamic but Nanami ignores him and Utahime is incensed#Despite how irresponsible Gojo is she doesn't doubt Gojo is telling her the truth#He was extremely rude with her about her being weak and lacking the guts to be the traitor#But in part I guess he was messing up with her. In part I guess he trusts her too#And that's sort of endearing#Again a bit like what Nanami and Gojo have going on#But Utahime seems to dislike Gojo more than Nanami does#Utahime and Gojo seem to have a bit that fondness you develop for stains on a wall. A stain or a patch that wasn't quite well painted#But that has accompanied you through your entire childhood for instance. Your father painted the room and you chose that exact blue colour#but there's a patch that wasn't well painted. It's in a corner and no one noticed it but you know it's there and it annoys you#And it's there during your childhood perhaps. It's there during your teens years#It lives through the posters changing and the heartbreak and the friendships being born and dying and it's always there#It always annoys you but it's always there.And when you leave home for college or whatever you put your life in boxes and move the furniture#and finally you look at the stain and for one momentâ for one instant before covering it with a fresh layer of paintingâ you look at it#And in that instant you almost kind of feel fondness for that stain. For that constant through your life. Even if it annoyed you#That's sort of the air Utahime and Gojo give me haha#I don't know. The intimacy of constancy if nothing else is something I love#That knowing each other because of the years in common and knowing where you both went through. And that almost fondness it brings at times#Heathcliff with Hindley and sort of Edgar. Charles and Adam. Or that one classmate you quite didn't like entirely and were never close to#but if one says something the other would understand it's a reference to the French teacher you had in the second year of middle school#and reply in kind. And laugh perhaps. And in that moment you could almost imagine you could have been friends#Well. That kind of vibe Utahime and Gojo give me. Which is. I don't know. It's kind of cute?#In the context of the madness of this Jujutsu world#I'm overall loving the glimpses we see into the dynamic Gojo has with the adults in his life#I think his dynamic with Ijichi is my favourite for now. Surprised I don't see them more in a shippy context#with how much I see Gojo and Nanami or Gojo and Utahime and even Gojo and Shoko. Perhaps it's because ijichi isn't hot? I mean#I would understand that. It's a factor too. But I love that Gojo trusts him more than anything and I like that Ijichi understands him#and his kindness beyond his rudeness and I am biased and love the Megumi parallel. Not into the 'or I will slap you' thing though but okay#ANYWAY yeah xD I love Gojo's dynamics with the adults. I love when he sulked because Nanami told him gave the finger to the higher ups to#avoid Gojo giving it to Yuji but that despite and precisely for that Gojo SMILED and said 'I am glad I left you in change of him'. Love him
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really feeling the fomo with those last two posts arent i why now i wonder
#i get like this every so often#randomly reminded of years ago at school when i had classmates and stuff#what a bloody loser#nah seriously lying in bed in my old room at my parents feeling sorry for myself that i didnt make proper friends when i was 15#get a bloody life#not like this isnt why i never made any friends or anything#like you do have to make an actual effort not spend your time in bed on your phone#its literally the middle of the day#nah it is a bit weird being back here even though i go back most holidays and sometimes the weekend#but like no one i knew from then went to my uni or if they did i just dont know cause i havent seen them since#but likw it was in this town where i am now#i barely go out but over the whole time i think i only saw like two in town and we didnt really talk#like i dont even really want to? i dont know#its just something to comiserate about not that theres a solution that way#obvious solution would be to make friends when uni starts again not that i can be bothered#yeah and i wonder why im miserable bloody hell
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casually sharing a Not Greatâ˘ď¸ memory from my middle school days with my current uni friends only for them to all stop talking for a hot minute and say "that's actually terrible and I'm really sorry that happened to you. you didn't deserve that." like damn I didn't realize that was a traumatic thing that ISN'T considered a normal experience for the average middle-schooler but okay then
#what happened was#on my 12th birthday i actually went to another girl's birthday party (one who bullied me for years after this until we graduated)#and never told anyone at the party it was my birthday#only because i was so excited to have been invited to something for once#and i was trying so hard to fit in with the rest of the girls in my class#because my best friend had just moved away the year before. so yeah#i remember not thinking it was that big of a deal and i couldn't understand why my mom cried over it when i got home that night#but now i do#and that wasn't even the worst of it when it came to my middle and high school experience đ#i'm in a much better place now though and i'm so grateful for the people i have in my life now#but yeah. that was rough.
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