#though I’m not gonna lie that was mostly due to relying on them a bit too much

[kamen-rider-ooo-fan]

So, completely unrelated to anything, I remembered I made a thing, and honestly the fact I did was definitely a thing that, even as I was making it, I asked myself why I did it, but kept going anyways, and I figured if I put any form of effort, which admittedly wasn’t a lot I just downloaded a sprite sheet, meme, and .jpeg and edited them together, I’m gonna make others see it, so, behold, the result of my brain being my brain during FGO’s Christmas event on the NA server,

[outivv]

I was just watching Demon Slayer while eating my lunch, and I got an idea. So what if The Boys' s/o is a demon, but they're like Nezuko; they can shrink and enlarge at will, but they aren't immune to sunlight so they may rely on The Boys to carry them in a makeshift backpack. They can also absolutely kick ass if necessary, and they're insanely stronk. But most of the time, they're smothering The Boys with kisses, headpats, etc. because they really like The Boys and want them to know it.

Synopsis: demon slayer au, where y/n is like nezuko

Warnings: mentions of fighting, and minor cursing.

Game/ anime: genshin impact and a slight bit of demon slayer.

Characters: zhongli, Diluc, childe, kaeya, and dainsleif

Pronouns for reader: gender neutral/ not mentioned

A/n: yes! Demon slayer has been on my mind recently, so yes! I really want to see the movie but haven’t gotten around to it for some reason? I don’t know, but this was honestly really exciting to write because demon slayer is probably one of my favorite animes. So I really hope you enjoy, and have an amazing day/afternoon/night! (Now I’m imagining the boys as demon slayers :’))

— zhongli —

To say the least zhongli is hiding you from xiao. So he took you in, and now he’s stuck with you.

In the first few months of your relationship(?) he found out that you can shrink and enlarge at will. Which to say the least was surprising. Literally gave him a heart attack when you suddenly enlarged to get something on top of the cupboards.

Later that same day he found out you hate sunlight. Like... hate it. He’d do anything in his power to make you comfortable, and when you both need to go somewhere in the day he’d try to shield you from the sunlight as best as possible. Then you suggested that he’d carry you in a little backpack, and it’d be easier because you could shrink... so he did that.

You probably got caught by some treasure hoarders, thinking that the makeshift backpack you were in had something valuable. When you jumped out and throat punched one of them though, they found out just how wrong they were. Zhongli watched in awe at your strength before realizing that it would be smart of him to step in and help.

He finds it oddly adorable how you can go from absolutely destroying a ruin guard in one punch, to smothering him in kisses and love. He doesn’t mind it no, but he finds it kinda hilarious. I mean you went berserk and now you’re nuzzling up to him saying how much you live him. Kinda makes him just... sit there. Like ‘wow... ok... I mean... I want the affection but... wow...’ he’s absolutely smitten honestly.

— childe —

Now in childe’s scenario I’m going to say either you were a failed experiment gone right by dottore. Or he found you in the forests of snezhnaya. (I’m gonna leave it up to you to decide) either way, childe said you could be valuable to the fatui, and now here you are... in a relationship with this bastard amazing guy.

I feel like he’d know about your strength, and growing/shrinking abilities. Mostly because I think because one of the reasons that they kept you was so you’d be of some sort of use to the fatui (at first! Childe grew to care and love you. Lowkey a sucker for these kinda fics so... I’m adding it into my headcanons.) they’d have to see what you could do exactly. For their safety, and the safety of others, they’d need to know.

I think he’d be kinda iffy on the whole ‘carrying you in a backpack’ thing. Mainly because it’s always snowing in snezhnaya so it’s always cloudy. But when you travel he’s going to have to suck it up and carry you.

I think you’d often go with childe on missions, because 1. He’s your boyfriend. And 2. He’s the one that decided you should join the fatui, so in the harbingers eyes he’s the one that has to take responsibility. (I feel that that made y/n sound like a dog I’m so sorry :’)) so he’s seen you in action before, and every time he does it never fails to take his breath away.

And you fighting countless foes on the battlefield, and then showering him in your love makes him feel proud, and kinda cocky. Like you, a future harbinger candidate, just took down a bunch of foes... and now your going to give him all of your affection. He just feels extra special when you do that, not going to lie.

— kaeya —

He probably found you doing some commissions, he was just taking a stroll around mondstadt and stubbled upon one of the people the knights wish they could recruit. Complete coincidence.

When he goes to walk over to you fighting a bunch of hilichurls, and sees that you’re taking them down in one hit, he’s slightly impressed. I mean they’re just hilichurls after all. At first he challenged you, and said you should fight the ruin guard at the thousand winds temple, and when you rose to the challenge and completed it with ease he could see why the knights wanted you so badly.

Of course he’d “stumble” upon you more and more, and then you know... you start dating (I’m not in the mood to write a while backstory for how you got into a relationship but just imagine it as a “he kept challenging you and then fell in love with you” kinda thing? I’m not sure but yeah :D)

Whenever you fight, whether it be sparring with someone, or a commission, and kaeya has the honor of seeing you he’ll announce to everyone that “hey that’s my s/o!” And he expects attention and kisses afterwards from you.

He knows the routine by now, you fight, or do a commission, just something that involves fighting, and then he gets a bunch of attention. Kaeya is no fool. He knows.

When he found out that you hate sunlight, and that’s why you do most of your work at night, he was kinda surprised. He honestly just assumed you were like rosaria, and were busy during the day so you did your... “community work” at night.

When he finds out you can shrink and grow he’s just kinda like “oh... well that’s new. Cool. But new.” And then asks you what else you can do that he didn’t know about.

I don’t think he’d need to take you anywhere in a makeshift backpack. And if he needed to he probably couldn’t due to knight work you know?

— Diluc —

He’s seen you a few times at angels share, only late at night of course but he’s still seen you around. He’s been kinda crushing on you from afar so he didn’t know much about you. Only that you’re a high ranked adventure from somewhere other than mondstadt. Eventually though he did ask you out, and now you’re dating. Congrats!

When he saw you fight for the first time I can guarantee that his first thought was ‘where the hell are they from!? What were they feeding them holy-“ he’s in absolute awe at your strength. Diluc isn’t much of a guy for sparring, but now he’s inclined to try to spar with you. He’d probably break something but it’d be worth it in his mind.

After you fight like three ruin hunters, and you run over to him smothering him in love and affection, he’s taken back. Like he had to make sure you were the same person that absolutely destroyed those ruin hunters. I mean he’s not complaining... he probably found it attractive honestly. (You thought childe would be the one to find you destroying some enemy and then giving him all your attention, attractive??? I mean he does... but no! It was Diluc all along!)

He’ll take note that you don’t like sunlight and then will be very adamant on getting you a backpack that you can fit in. Like it’s one of the first things he does after finding out.

When he finds out you can shrink/ grow though? He’s confused. He’ll act like it was normal but will then suddenly say “what was that.” Very sternly. Like he demands and answer.

— dainsleif —

You’ve been with dainsleif for a while, both as he travel companion, and his s/o. So I think he’s knows for a while that you’re insanely strong, don’t like sunlight, and and grow and shrink.

When he found out you were really strong he was kinda taken aback but went with it and didn’t really ask you about it, more passively asked you how you got so strong.

Whenever you come up to him and kiss him, and just generally shower him with love and attention, he’ll gladly take it. Like full smile on his face, because just like Diluc he thinks that you beating a ruin hunters ass and then giving him all your love is attractive.

When he saw you shrink and grow he did the same as Diluc, except didn’t demand an answer. He was just like, “so... care to explain what that was?” He’ll understand if you don’t want to but that doesn’t make him any less curious.

You both travel a lot, so he’d have to carry you in a makeshift backpack everywhere. He doesn’t mind it, he wishes you could be walking right beside him but he understands that you physically can’t. Cause sunlight will turn you to dust, and he loves you too much to be selfish and let that happen.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About "Echoes of the Past" from The Owl House

Salutations, random people on the internet who most certainly won’t read this. I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

What probably gets debated the most in the fandom is the legitimacy behind King being the King of Demons. Some believe that there's truth to his statement, while others, like me, like to think that he was just some stray Eda picked up off the streets. Either option seemed likely, especially since Season One never gave an answer that leaned one way or the other.

Then here comes the writers finally answering the question of who King is in episode THREE of Season Two! Because, again, they don't waste time on giving fans exactly what they want.

Fans wanted answers behind King, we got 'em, and analyzing what those answers mean requires going deep into spoilers. So if you haven't checked the episode out yet, I highly recommend that you do. Trust me, it's worth seeing.

Now let's review, shall we?

WHAT I LIKED

Luz Experimenting with Spells: Hey, look! More proof that Luz isn't an idiot like some people flanderize her to be!

But, seriously though, this is a perfect little thread to introduce into the story. Luz collecting knowledge from Lilith's old books and past work she and Eda made adds to Luz's intelligence while also providing a believable explanation for how she gets new spells. It's also nice to see that she has this little notebook (or spellbook) to help see what works and what doesn't. It's a level of experimentation that proves her dedication to becoming a witch while also exemplifying how she isn't stupid. Occasionally reckless, sure, but you can't say that the person who figured out an invisibility spell through showing her work is also an idiot.

Francios with a Knife: How did Francois get a knife? I don't know. But the fact that a random knife plopped out behind him with little to no explanation is funny, and I will not hear otherwise.

I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

Luz’s Invisibility Spell: I breezed past this, but I honestly love this invisibility spell. More specifically, I love that there's a limiter. It can turn you, objects, and people you're in contact with invisible, but only as long as you can hold your breath. It helps make the spell something the characters can't always rely on, which is appreciated. Because if it works as long as they concentrate, what's stopping them from sneaking into Belos' castle and assassinating him in his sleep? It's a smart way of explaining why they can't always rely on something, despite how insanely useful it is.

Luz: Let's gush about Luz some more, shall we!

"Echoes of the Past" is another episode that has Luz on top form. She is constantly supportive of King, even if Lilith has a point in the dangers of indulging his fantasy as a powerful tyrant. Doing so would cause more harm than good, especially when King finds out Luz doesn't believe him, but her going along with it was all done with the best of intentions. Luz doesn't want to hurt her friend, and even if she did in the long run, she still makes up for it by helping King learn more about his past.

And, as another reminder, Luz isn't stupid. She's the first to say they should leave when it's clear how dangerous the castle is and is quick to figure out there should be more at the top. Luz is a loyal and caring friend who's also guarded and intuitive when the situation calls for it. This episode understood that, so here's hoping other fans will too.

Lilith: Yeah, she's still growing on me.

I feel like this episode shows a better idea of Lilith's place in the group more than the past two. She's a person who's obsessed with knowledge and learning but considers herself above the jovial nature of King, Luz, and definitely Eda. Therefore, she acts as the perfect catalyst for what jumpstarts this week's adventure. It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that she almost instantly dismisses King's claims due to considering herself more knowledgeable than everyone else. Still, I like how she's willing to believe King once she finally sees evidence that seemingly proves he really was the King of Demons, to the point of referring to him as "her lord." Hooty does the same thing, but it comes across as him fearing for his own life and choosing to be friends with someone who could maybe kill him in an instant. For Lilith, her newfound respect comes from the desire to learn more, and it's that desire that makes Lilith an enjoyable character to me. It's adorable to see, and it has some comedic flavor in moments like when she dismisses everyone else and their emotional revelations to take pictures of the carvings around her. I'm sure she'll cause some controversy like other characters with rushed reformations, but for me, I'm more than ok with her addition to the main cast.

More of Lilith’s and Hooty’s Friendship: HOW DOES THIS WORK!?

ON PAPER, IT SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA, BUT IT F**KING WORKS!

HOW?!

WHAT BLACK MAGIC DID THESE WRITERS USE TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP SO UNEXPECTED COME ACROSS AS SO ENDEARING AND ADORABLE?!

And where can I get some for my stories...just asking.

But seriously: HOW?!

Hooty Making Himself Portable: Ah, yes. The classic bit where a character does something horrifically grotesque off-screen, and we have nothing but character reactions and sound effects to imagine what happened between shot A and shot B. It's an oldie, but given how hard I was laughing (mostly because of Luz's gagging), it's still a goodie.

Eda’s Portable Bathtub Boat Thing: I mean...I was expecting Eda would use something to catch up with the others, but...that thing...well...I mean, I'm still laughing just by thinking about it. That should tell you how well executed this joke was.

John Luke: ...I'm gonna go ahead and add him to the list because HOLY S**T was this guy disturbing! From his design to his movements to even the sounds he makes when moving, everything about John Luke screams as something that will stay in kids' nightmares for a while. Now, this might seem like a complaint, but to be honest, I'm more than alright with how creepy John Luke is. I highly doubt adult viewers will consider John Luke scary, but I guarantee he'll terrify some of the youngins that this series is aimed for. And that's fine. It's good to creep kids out a little bit with something somewhat scary, as it might introduce them to more good horror stories later in life.

Plus, the reveal that John Luke was only a guard for King is pretty solid narratively speaking. You can see how John never really meant to hurt King aside from one accident when Eda escaped with him. If you want to read into it, I guess it might be questionable to tell kids that something that looks dangerous is secretly nice, but that's really nitpicky, in my opinion. John Luke was a fantastic threat that is designed and animated well, with a solidly executed twist. Some might hate what he presents, most will fear him, but we can all agree on one thing: His theme is awesome (can I get the track for that, please)!

King’s Backstory: Finally, at long last, we know who King is, thus putting an end to a year-long debate. And I fully mean it when I say that the writers gave the best possible answer. Because in a way, everyone was right. Yes, King was just an animal that Eda decided to adopt, like the nature-loving hippie she is inside (She's got the hair for it). However, while he may not be the King of Demons himself, he is still the son of someone who deserves that title. So while he isn't the King, there's a chance he might be the Prince. Once again, there's no direct answer, but given how the writers came up with something that pleases everyone while still providing more questions for debate, it acts as a brilliant move, in my opinion. So whatever answer we get next, I'm sure it will be just as perfect.

Baby King:

My heart was not prepared for that level of cuteness!

King’s Breakdown: NOR WAS IT READY FOR THIS LEVEL OF SADNESS!

But in all seriousness, a HUGE round of applause to Alex Hirsch for his performance in this episode. He expertly captured the raw emotions of shock, anger, betrayal, and sadness that King must have felt when finding out that everything he believed he was is a lie. It's one of those moments where I don't hear a person voicing lines in a booth (or wherever the hell VAs are voicing characters nowadays), but instead hear a living person being emotionally torn apart. It was heartbreaking seeing King so vulnerable as he's so guarded with his emotions. Seeing him like this adds so much more layers to a character that many would mistake him as a cute, comedic animal sidekick. But just like with Luz, there's more to him than people will tell you.

“I don’t even know what’s real or fake anymore!”: I'm just pointing out this line because I believe it's what convinces Luz to help King learn more about who he is. Hell, not knowing what's real or fake is the main reason why Luz got sent away in the first place, so I feel like she can relate to King when he's in a similar predicament.

Hooty and Lilith vs John Luke: This was just a cool scene with some epic moments of dodging John Luke's attacks and some funny ones, like how Hooty said the word "pain." It's a ten out of ten that I would rewind to watch again.

King’s Other Horn: I'd question the logistics of how a horn that got broken off when he was a baby still manages to fit perfectly in the present...but it is neat symbolism of King accepting his past and letting it be a part of him, so who cares?

(The fact that the colors of the broken-off piece don't match the rest of the horn is nice attention to detail as well.)

WHAT I DISLIKED

It's a Little Too Predictable: I pretty much figured almost every little twist the episode offers. But, I'm willing to say that's because I'm in my twenties, and I've seen enough stories similar to this one, so I'm more likely to know what will happen. The little monsters watching this will see it for the first time, so they'll most likely get more surprised than me...And that was my only complaint about the episode...which is more of a personal problem than an actual issue...I guess that means it's perfect.

IN CONCLUSION

"Echoes of the Past" is an easy A+ in my book. It gives lore and backstory that furtherly develops the characters that episodes like this should. It also tells a tragic story about King that still sprinkles in a few good jokes every now and again to lighten up the mood. Sure, there are some nitpicks I could mention (how did King remember his own birth?). But when the good stuff is done so well, what's the point of dwelling on small, insignificant issues? This is still a phenomenal episode that flew past all expectations I had for it, and it continues the winning steak this season is having so far.

(But that's still three home runs in a row. Meaning that a stinker is coming. Ooiee, is it coming!)

[poulpichou]

Government failures and fucked-upperies in France

Ok, so I recently wrote a bit about the situation with police brutality in France, but now I would like to tell you more about WHY the government needs the police so much. A lot of my sources will be in french (and marked (F) like this) because there are a lot of cases that didn’t make it to the international press. Many sources also come from the newspaper Mediapart and require a subscription.

I’ve had a lot of people telling me “BuT It’S nOt ChInA” and let me tell you, yes I know it’s way worse in other countries (Peru, Thailand, Nigeria and so on, a lot is happening right now in the world), but where the fuck do you draw the line? The kind of things I’m gonna tell you about is unacceptable, and so hypocritical when a country calls itself a democracy and the land of human rights, and we should be angry about that and try to make it change. Here I’m talking a lot about Macron but let’s not forget that many current problems began under Holland’s presidency, who was supposed to be from the left, and even before. Alright, here we go.

President of the wealthy

Soooo let’s begin with how Macron was elected by wealthy people: half of the 16 million euro collected for his campaign was financed(F) by 1200 people, mostly living in Paris, by banks, and also by rich french people living abroad. So of course the first thing he did when he could was to reward them for his victory and he cut their taxes in december 2018. He deleted the “taxe on fortune” that was in place for 40 years (minus 3 years under Chirac first presidency) and replaced it with another that taxes way less, in the name of trickle down economy (you know, the same way Thatcher and Reagan did) saying that rich people would invest more and thus creating more jobs. Of course that didn’t happen and rich people just got way richer without any effects on poor people.

At the same time, he cut down housing benefits for students and poor people (1/4 of people between 18 and 24 are under the poverty line) and cancelled housing helps for 50,000 people. In december 2018, he wanted to pass a law that would increase fuel prices in the name of ecology, but that would once again mainly affect working and middle classes. That’s how started the yellow vest movement, because people were becomming poorer and poorer and they felt like the government only gave to the rich and took from the poor.

In 2018, 14% of the french population was under the poverty line, and 21% suffer from food insecurity and it has only worsened since.

At the end of 2019, a student even set himself on fire at his university because he was in such financial distress he couldn’t go on anymore.

Yellow Vest movement

If you have to read one article about it, it’s this one.

In 2017, Macron said in one of his speeches about a train station that it was “a place where one encounters people who are succeeding and people who are nothing”. The yellow vest movement came from these “people who are nothing”. For the first time in decades, people who were not heard, people who didn’t have a place in the political landscape in France were on the front scene. A lot of protestors never demonstrated before, or even engaged in politics. Many of them now protested because “they had nothing else to lose” (F). People were angry from not being listened to and being used only to allow rich people to get richer, and oh boy they showed it in the street.

The first protests took the government by surprise. They were not expecting the numbers of protestors, nor their determination. The protest were also completely different from the demonstration the state was used to deal with: there were no official leaders, making it really difficult for the government to negotiate, demonstrations were often not declared beforhand in prefectures (F), and people were systematically targetting (F) banks, major brands like Apple or McDonalds and luxury shops, causing millions euro worth of damages.

On the 1st of december 2018, protestors in Paris took over the Arc de Triomphe and completely overfloaded the police.

One policeman said afterward that on this day, “the Elysée could have fallen” (F). Police forces were not prepared, the right orders were not given at the right times and some police company were surounded by furious protestors. The same policeman said that in that moment, “they forgot about their code of ethics”, that they were just shooting rubber bullet wherever they could and “trying protect their life”. The following weeks, police put on steel fences around the Elysée and members of the government and their collaborators were asked to lock down and put away all of their documents(F) before the weekly demonstrations, in case the protestors were able to take over the buildings.

It was a turning point in the protests, and from then the orders given to the police changed completely. From then they’ve been allowed to litterally do whatever it took to keep the country in order. The government understood that the last thing between them and the furious people they betrayed was the police, and that’s precisely why they are trying to give them even more power today with the law on global security (see my last post, and probably a next one I’m gonna write soon because it would be too much for this post).

Since December 2018, a journalist, David Dusfresne, documents and keeps count on the police brutality, first on twitter and then on the online newspaper Mediapart(F) (TW for really graphic pictures of wounds and blood). For now he counted 4 deaths, 30 people who lost an eye due mainly to rubber bullets, 6 who lost a hand due to detonative grenades (France is being the only european country to use them against its own population), 346 wounded to the head (fractured skull mainly, due to the rubber bullets and baton blow) and a total of 969 documented reports on police brutality (and that’s only for 3 years).

Since then, a total of 9 police officers have been judged guilty, 7 of them being only suspended temporarily and avoiding prison, with only 2 of them ending up in prison(F) and being expelled from police forces.

People began to record the police more and more to prevent any brutality or to have proofs in case it happened, and then the police began to target journalists and anyone who had a camera.

They began to lie to people, telling them it’s forbiden to record the police (for now it isn’t), they forced photographs to delete their photos in the middle of demonstrations. They covered their ID number on their uniform (F), they covered their licence plates.

The government also began to talk about legitimate protest, aka the peacefull one, and put the name of “casseur” (thug) on anyone who would be too angry. to their taste, saying that the latter were taking the former in hostage. Basically they were saying tht yes, protestors took aver the arc de Triomphe, but it was only hooligans who just wanted to burn things, nothing political behind that.

Here began the preventive arrests (F) before demonstrations (arresting people who had done nothing on the only presumption they will), the arrest of journalists, the arrest of people having masks and protection glasses on them. From now on the administration can ban someone from public demonstration without going through the justice system.

Between November 2018 and November 2019, around 3,000 person(F) from the yellow vest movement were senteced to community services, fees, suspended prison sentence, and for 1/3 of them prison sentences. Those numbers are underestimated because many cases have not been judged yet. Some protestors were sentenced for shouting slogans(F), for wearing protective masks(F) (F), other were sent to prison for damaging radars(F) on highways, or for filming riots while wearing a yellow vest(F). There has been a massive tendency(F) for the state to sue people for “participation to a gathering with the intent to commit violences against persons or goods”, allowing them to give fees, community services or even prison sentences to people based only on the intent they gave them. Many people found guilty of attacking police forces were judged with the only proof being the declaration of police officers, and even though a lot of them claimed to be innocent they were still sentenced because they couldn’t bring proof of their innocence.(F) Amnesty International talks about the criminalization of demonstrators(F) that’s happening in France and warns about the instrumentalisation of laws that goes against international law. (F)

The ban on masks (they can be considered as weapons) during demonstration allows police to take protestors(F) who have some on them or in their car to the police station for a maximum of 48h for the sole purpose of making them miss the demonstration. This law is not applied nowadays because of Covid, but it still exists.

With the yellow vest movement, the part of the population who wasn’t used to the police actually began to endure what POC have been living for decades.

Racisme

France is a fucked up racist country. It was born in colonisation and slavery, and still rely on its former colonies to prosper economically. Young men perceived as Black or Arab are 24 more times likely to be stopped in the streets. The overwhelming majority of people killed by the police are black or arabic(F). When the police kills POC, the judiciary system often refuses to do a full investigation, refuses to hear some of the witnesses, refuses to watch some of the video tapes from surveillance cameras (F). A lot of autopsies are proved to be ballant lies, founding heart diseases(F) or blood infections(F) when the victim was actually killed by suffocation due to ventral tackle, a police technique that got France sentenced by the European court of human rights (F).

BAC

Since the mid 90′s, France has special police forces for working-class neighborhoods, the Brigade Anti-Criminalité (BAC), that operate in suburbs (in France rich people live in the city center and poor people in the suburbs) where a majority of imigrants and people from black and arabic descent live. BAC agents are all volunteers, they act in unmarked cars and civilians clothes and can carry weapons(F).

Their purpose is to roam the streets and to catch misdemeanor in the act, and they’ve been known (as well as regular police) to harass population by proceeding to systematic identity cheks(F) (often outside of what’s allowed by law), by insulting people(F), provoking people with racist and homophobic insults(F), by beating them(F) and charging them for “outrage” or “rebellion”(F) when they protest (charges that always give reasons to police officers when there’s no recordings of the arrest and allow them to get money for the prejudice). There have been reports of torture on adults(F), tennagers(F) and children(F), and cases where the BAC agents took victims to quiet places so they could beat them up(F). There have also been reports of agents inventing charges when their provocations didn’t push the victim to confront them(F).

They are basically above the law. There have been cases of massive corruption(F) where the agents returned to their unit(F) after the end of their suspension, and the person who leaked the info got fired.

As they are field agents, their role is also intelligence: they gather intells in the suburbs and they also infiltrate demonstration(F) and wear the attire of “casseurs”, to gather intells on violent individuals. Since the beginning of the Yellow Vest movement, they’ve participating in containing demonstrations as well even though they don’t have any training in that field.

Refugees

Police is being extremely violent against refugees, particularly in Northern France and what used to be the “Jungle” of Calais. Amnesty International reported that police had been beating refugees with baton, confiscating their clothes and tent daily during winter (it also happened in Paris(F)), urinating on their tents, spraying teargas directly in the face of sleeping men. A group of 4 associations also issued a report(F) on police harassment against volunteers who helped refugees, with as much as 646 instances of police harassment and abuse against volunteers between November 2017 and June 2018 in Calais. Human rights observers reported harrasment techniques such as body search of female volunteers by male officers, insults, pushing, threats of legal suits and threats of arrest. Volunteers who reported these behaviours were told by the police internal investigation body that the reports where defamatory and could constitute a crime.

At the beginning of the year, associations that were not approuved by the state were forbidden to distribute free meals to refugees(F).

Islamophobia

France has always been an islamophobic country but it has been more public and accepted since the 2015 terrorist attacks. Many laws promoting laicity are actually used to target Islam:

The ban of public display of religious items in public institutions (schools, libraries, government buildings) target mainly women wearing hijabs when many mayors keep on installing nativity scenes during Christmas(F). In 2016 some cities made wearing a burkini (full body covering bathing suit) on the beach illegal and we had some astonishing scenes of police officers asking a women (who wasn’t even wearing a burkini) to undress on the beach in the name of the law.

The law that says people have to uncover their face when being in a public space only target muslim women and is now completely useless as we have the obligation to wear a mask everywhere

The law that says street prayers have to be autorized in prefecture beforehand only target muslim community: when a muslim association organized a street prayer(F) in 2017 to protest their eviction from their place of cult in the city center they were charged 10,000€ (5,000€ from the association and 5,000€ from its president), whereas catholics students organized a street prayer(F) last month and didn’t face any charges. Legally, any autorization must be asked more than 3 days in advance and in both cases it was only asked on the day before.

Following the killing of Samuel Paty, a teacher who was attacked mid october for showing caricatures of the prophet Mohamed in class, four 10 years old children were arrested for “terrorism apology”(F), interrogated for 10 hours and their houses checked by police forces in full gears. The minister of interior also disolved the Collective against Islamophobia in France, saying that, since it was prottesting against anti-terrorist laws (that are super islamophobic) it was promoting radical islamism and terrorism. A minute of silence was imposed in schools and the names of people who didn’t follow the procedure were given to the minister of education, who said “none of them will be left unpunished”.(F)

To sum up: the government is being super islamophobic but muslims who voice their concerns are seen as radical islamists and are associated with terrorists.  Furthermore, it’s now easier for islamophobic people in government to ban associations or to pass shady laws thanks to the state of emergency.

State emergency

Following the 2 years of state emergency (2015-2017), France passed a law against terrorism(F) that normalized a lot of the state emergency’s characteristics: it took power away from the justice system to give it to administrations, directly under the control of the government.

The government, who previously had to be accountable in front of a judiciary judge, can now do many things under the only control of an administrative judge(F). The actions of administrative judges are controled by the council of state, and the president of the said council is the prime minister or the minister of justice, named by the president.

Here is what they can now do(F):

place people under house arrest with obligation to check in police stations every day for a maximum of a year

deny or restrict access to public events to some people, or proceed to body search

make someone wear an electronic bracelet when they didn’t commit any infractions

close places of worship for a maximum of 6 months when the ideas discuted there promote hate, discrimination, violence or terrorism

require people to give their login of any account on internet to the police

investigate on civil servants using secret services files

create a national centralized file with the names of people travelling in and out of the country by plane or boat

With the autorisation of a judge of freedom and detentions, they can also search houses and seize computers or phones to inspect the contents.

If people refuse to do any of the above when they are asked to, they risk 3 years of prison and a fee that can go up to 45,000€.

The offense “terrorism apology” was used against hundreds of people, with a large proportion of them being underaged (1/3 of them in 2015), sometimes for something as unsignificant as a non-violent facebook comment, a situation pointed out by Amnesty International(F). The NGO also highlights the fact that the fear of being considered as an extremist or the fear of facing judiciary consequences sets limit to freedom of speech.

Since 2015, the government has used the power given to them by the state of emergency to place 24 environmental activists under house arrest for the duration of the COP21(F) and to search the house of people who were protesting against the construction of an airport(F), construction potentialy linked to corruption(F), and also to close temporarly more than 30 mosques and install security cameras inside(F).

The consulting national commission on human rights pointed out a “highjack” of the state emergency, that was used to silence protestors, unions and refugees with abusive means, like unnecessary handcuffing, adults and children being aimed at with assault riffle during house searches and house being damaged during searches.

2015 was also the year of the Intelligence Act, a law that allows inteligence agencies to install scanning devices on the infrastructure of telecom operators so they can collect data on communications that are likely to reveal a terrorist threat.

Covid 19

When the epidemy started to be problematic in France in February 2020, hospital workers had been on strike for 11 months(F) and were asking for doctors and nurses jobs opening, and more beds in hospital. At the beginning of february, 600 administrative hospital workers had quit(F) so they were not “accomplices of the management of misery”. Healthcare workers had been saying for years that the deterioration of the working conditions in hospitals were gonna lead to patients death.

Since the beginning of the 2000′s, 100 000 beds have been removed(F) from hospital services and there has been a budget cut close to 12 bilions euros(F) for the health services.

Then comes Covid 19, and the government asks health workers to always do more with less, in the name of common good. We applaud them at our windows every night, and then they don’t get the bonus(F) the government promised, the healthcare system doesn’t get any budget increase and even worse, it still has to face a 800 milions cut in the middle of the pandemic(F).

The newspaper Mediapart issued a report(F) exposing the lies of the government:

They decided to get only small quantities of masks at the beginning of january against experts opinion, they said the virus wouldn’t reach France.

Government lied about the usefullness of masks to prevent people asking for them when they didn’t have some to distribute to the whole population. They said it was useless, and even dangerous because we didn’t know how to use them, they actively encouraged people not to wear them, and they lied about mask shortage. I really want to insist on that point, the instensity of communication on the subject was incredible. Every day we had many different high-ranked person in the government telling us on TV, on the radio or in newspaper that we shouldn’t wear masks. They only made wearing masks compulsory in public spaces mid July, 6 months after the first case in France(F).

Healthcare workers didn’t have enough masks and thus faced higher risks of contamination but the government still allowed non essential big companies like Airbus to use milions of the precious FFP2 masks. The government still refuses to give the number of healthcare workers who died from Covid19(F), the only count we have is made by journalists, and it’s believed to be underestimated.

To this day, healthcare workers are still on strike for better working conditions and better pay. I took this pic earlier this month from one of the firestations in my city, you can read written in white paint on the doors “understaffed, population in danger”, “18 months of strike and still NOTHING”, “Covid bonus ???” and “SOS”. Firefighters also write this on their trucks and their helmets, and hospitals have had banners deployed for more than a year now. All of these people are still working to ensure everyone’s access to health services but they refuse to transfer data to the state sickness insurance for example (and they are now facing administrative sanctions(F) and are threatened to not be given cancer drugs if they don’t end the strike(F)).

Regarding Covid, we are one of the only countries in europe to use self-filled certificates to be able to go outside. These certificates are controlled by the police, and like I said earlier, increased police controls harm a certain part of the population (young people and POC). Amnesty International issued a report(F) on the violences comited during french lockdown, pointing out repetitive and significant illegitimate actions from the police, such as beatings, use of tasers, illegal arrests, racists and homophobics insults and verbal threats. In April 2020, Mohamed Gabsi, a homeless person, was killed by the police after being arrested for being outside during the lockdown(F). The officers who killed him are still in service.

The covid crisis brought us in the worst recession we had since WW2, and the Secour Populaire (french association that helps poor people) had to help 45% more people than it helped in 2019(F). In my city, there are so many people coming for food distribution on certain days they had to install permanent fences in the street so people can queue in order.

Corruption and Other Stuff

In France (as in many other countries) it’s rare to have politicians who’ve never been prosecuted in any judiciary or administrative case.

Here I’m only gonna tell you who have been accused and who have been prosecuted for what in Macron’s government, and quite frankly it’s not exhaustive because one wikipedia page just brings me to 5 more.

The following tab is quite heavy so feel free to just check the left column with the legend.

(Now let me cry thinking about this Swedish minister who had to quit over a chocolate bar)

(All my sources are from french newspapers, I can give them if you ask me but I’m not gonna put them here because there are way too many)

People who had to quit the first government were still appointed deputy governor of the Bank of France (Sylvie Goulard), president of the national assembly (Richard Ferrand) and chief of foreign affaires commission at the national assembly (Marielle de Sarnez). They are being investigated for corruption and embezzlement and they still have a successfull political career, and more important they still heavily influence the laws of our country and of Europe. Sylvie Goulard was even chosen by Macron to seat at the European Commission but european deputies decided it was fucked up and rejected her appointment (F).

In this list I only talked about members of the government but there has been other scandals linked to people around Macron.

Benalla cases: It all began when we discovered Alexandre Benalla, chief of security and travels for the president, was participating in demonstration as a policeman (which he wasn’t) and used his position to beat up protestors and passerby. The rest of the case is filled with destruction and hiding of evidences(F), illegal sharing of public surveillance videotapes by the police, undeclared guns(F), illegal but unpunished use of data by the police(F) and the Elysée(F), breaking of the judiciary control by Benalla, illegal diplomatic passports and meeting with african’s leaders, russian contracts with an alleged mafia boss(F), office searchs for a newspaper ordered by the State, who tried to seize the proofs and the sources the newspaper had on the case(F) and so on. The case involves several members of the government and members of special forces, and some journalists who were writing on it were then auditionned for disclosure of state secret(F). The case in general highlighted the impunity members of the government and police officers have, as well as anyone who is close to the president, but also the dysfunction in the justice system and the impossibility for high ranked people to face justice. The fucker is still free, taunt people on twitter and still gives interviews to national television.

Kohler case: Alexis Kohler, general secretary of the Elysee and Macron right hand man during his campain, hid his personnal links to the sea transporters MSC and then attributed them huge state funds. He also lied in his involvement in the decision. We discovered Macron sent a letter to the national financial prosecutor's office to clear him, which they did, until an anti-corruption association relaunched legal proceedings. The guy is now being prosecuted for corruption and bribery. (F) (F)

Conclusion

Fuck the police, eat the rich, let’s forbid them from being elected, a next long post on the Law on Global Security the governement is trying to pass is gonna come soon if you’re interested.

Please tell me if you see any inconsistency in this post, I tried to source it as much as I could and to verify everything I wrote but like anyone else I have bias and sometimes I wrote things at 5am so I’m aware I might be incorrect  and I’m open to constructive criticism. Also sorry for my approximate english sometimes.

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon and ah, its just me than. Links on tumblr break half the time for me sorry bout that!

1: Mostly how it looks in the actual episode but with some changes. Its gaint, even has multiple floors, most rooms have a glass dome roof with iron railings (3-4) lining the bottom of the glass. The hallway typically have windows leading up to the roof, but the roof and both floor are a mix of materials like iron, copper, wood, and even gold. The most complex room is the Council room, which has a a higher roof than the rest, with mostly wood railings that go all the way up and lead to a circle at the top. The Council is the group that leads Mizu, they have 1 leader of every Idol to represent the different opinions of the citizens, with 1 special member that doesnt belong to any Idol, and is instead used to represent the opinions of people who either haven't chosen a idol yet, got kicked out of a idol following, and just to give a unbiased opinion most of the time. They do make most decisions, mostly those relating to topics like construction, farming, money distribution, where people can live, etc. And they also mostly agree on most subjects and don't agure, but they do have massive disagreements on topics and problems like Representation in other Cities/Kingdoms, trading, visitors and immigrants, and sometimes supply missions. 

3: Situations like taking care of his siblings (I have decided Benjamin shall have siblings) and friends, and he was also put under extreme stress as a kid in school and family life, but unlike Ranbob, he managed to successfully communicate his struggle and find coping mechanisms. Also when he went off to live by himself for a bit, he was under sudden extreme situations where he had to make split second decision. So he just learned from everything thats happened to him over time. 

8: Levi exists purely to make Watson and others go insane. People claimed it was made up because they claimed most events as unrealistic (like Doomsday, Techno escaping a death trial, Pandoras Vault (they believed it impossible for something to be inescapable)). Plus the fact it seemed cruel such young people where faced with such trauma that no sane person would let it happen, and the fact most historical important items couldn't be found, people claiming that they where made up (also cause if the land was that exposed to such devastation, it would've collapsed on itself). No to both of those, by this point their to far away from Dream for him to have a direct meaningful affect on the group, and while the residents of Kelalen know it was Dreams sword, the group does not know. Nope! Mizu came about years after Kelalen was forgotten about and shamed. And Mizu was only made because of the growing number of believers in the SMP history was causing disruptions in both the political sense and educational sense, so it was made to separate the "outcasts". Though Mizu eventually grew as big as most cities, and greatly civilized and advanced, though they where still often "forgotten" about and basically seperate from the Kingdom that set them up and became their own place (though not officially). 

They do have a friendship! Its not super close but their definitely friends. Ranbob is definitely a worrier, he heard that two of his friends almost died he immediately goes to them and fuses over them. And when their recovering he doesnt leave their side, infact Benjamin has to drag him away from the two just to get him to eat. And he refuses to sleep unless he's like directly on top of them. Yeah, Cletus challenges Grievous to a parkour challenge over a Delta Basalt, and he happily accepts. They end up giving everyone a heart attack after Cletus slips and almost falls onto a magma block. Jackie plays in soul sand and dumps a handful down Rans shirt, Watson teaches Charles and Isaac how to make gold from gold nuggets and more Piglin culture. When Cletus is cleared to be ok and Jackie stops getting soul sand in areas he didn't even know existed. They all sit in a circle and decide what they should try first, with Ran and Watson watching carefully and preventing them from drinking anything that they recognized as harmful. But other than that they just let the others do whatever. 

10: Because he couldn't use it, when Dream was a full human he used to be able to access his powers at his own will. But after his spirit got linked to his mask his power greatly reduced. To the point he relies on others for his powers, more specifically, he needs them to be exposed to him for a certain amount of time (like 2 weeks) until he can use their own essence/spirit to help his powers. When the group of people came after Ranbob left, they stayed for a long time, especially after they took the mask with them. Dream got the power back. Cause it is a "I worked to hard to give this up." Type situation. Ranbob was his first victim and the first person he had control over in decades, he considers Ranbob the puppet he was meant to have and refuses to let him go. Everyone is the nat to him, but specifically Ran. Cause Ran was the only person who survived the murders, so Dream sees him as a kill that was taken from him that he needs to fix. Everyone else to him is nothing more than an annoyance, and he's more than happy to use them as nothing more than a stepping stone to kill once he's done with them. 

13: Ran is stronger than everyone else, Jackie is faster than everyone else, and Watson is more acrobatic than everyone else. Sorry can you reword "Is Jackie considered stronger than them aside from shared tactics, or is it the other way around?"? I dont completely understand sorry. Kind of, I'll say. There can only be 3 ranking members, but it can also be 2 Corporals and 1 Sergeant. 

14: They where caught off guard, but also knew something must be going on due to the fishermen staying closer to Ranbob than normal. He never got too far, as he isnt very fast and Charles and both Isaac tend to be fast enough to get him. If the episode is really bad bringing him back can lead into physical fights but it rarely gets into that, as it seems like Ranbob really doesn't want to fight them most of the time, and holds himself back.

Well, I hope it’s working for you now, cause that sounds less than ideal, honestly.

1: Well, Mizu sounds gorgeous, quite frankly. As for the council having a member of no idol, what about that? People can get kicked out from an idol group? Why? Do some just never choose an idol? Also, how’s the housing situation there? Are there like, apartments on one of the floors, or something? Why does the council not really agree on outside affairs?

3: Not gonna lie, I’m rather curious. What kind of life did Benjamin lead to be under such heavy stress? Does he relate to Ranbob because of this? And what was he doing when he lived on his own to need to make fast-paced decisions? Also, siblings! What’re his siblings like?

8: He sounds like it.

And hm. There are several things I’ve taken from this. 

Do totems no longer exist, if they don’t believe Techno could have survived, or did that particular piece of the story just get left out over time?

Has Pandora’s vault fallen? And why would people find it unbelievable? If it’s the future, shouldn’t they have even more advanced technology than that? Or is it simply the lack of evidence that leads them to disagreeing about it’s existence? 

They don’t believe people would have been so cruel to the younger ones? Oof, um. Well, at least that says something about the future, I guess. 

Mizu sounds like it has an interesting history in it’s self. How do Ran and Ranbob feel about being in a world that basically shunned the people of what would eventually become their home? Do they ever have issues when people find out they originate from Mizu, or worship an idol? From how you put it, it seems like that wasn’t really looked upon well, since they shunted the people who did it to Mizu.

Friendships for the win! Maybe not close, but it sounds like an interesting dynamic. Charles honestly seems pretty mild, and as you said, shy, so putting him with Mr.Random And Chaotic certainly sounds like something. How did these two become friends?

And honestly, it sounds like everyone had a lot of unique experiences in the Nether. It also sounds like Ran and Ranbob were probably an inch from a heart-attack the entire time, considering the shenanigans ongoing. It sounds kind of cute that Ranbob was only sleeping when he was close to them though, and it gives me the image of a giant fluffy cat, so win-win there.

10: Interesting. Was Ranbob not enough to fully return that power to him when the Fishermen first came and took him? Or did Dream just not think they’d get that far and not react in time, when he still had that power from his puppet?

And, uh, wow. Dream was certainly off his rocker before, but that’s definitely cemented now. Is anyone aware he thinks of Ranbob in such a way? Does Ranbob know? How are everyone’s feelings on that-besides y’know, ‘gonna murder Mr.Mask Man’. How does everyone feel about being considered as ‘nats’?

13: Huh. And yeah, I confused myself rereading that. Basically, is Jackie considered stronger than those two? You said they were mostly on par, because of the shared tactics, so when it comes to cutting those shared tactics out of the picture, does Jackie come out on top?

14: So the gang could tell? If I may ask, what were the tells that gave Ranbob away?

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @babygotswirls

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a bucket shape, with saturn as the handle of the bucket. your saturn is in the 10th house, hence matters regarding work and reputation will be your priorities in this lifetime. you also have clear ideas about your future and who you want to be. even though you may have different passions and talents you’re capable of only sticking to one and mastering it, giving your all.

your dominant planets are saturn, the sun and venus. you are a very hard-working and confident person, you strive to be the #1 at everything you do, and because of that you may often get stressed. you also enjoy relax time as well, and you may have some sort of creative talent or interest, such as music, writing, acting, etc. you are very mature and responsible, even though a little materialistic.

your dominant sign is scorpio. you may have trust issues and be quite of a loner, yet once you commit to someone, you'll be in for a long ride. you are very deep, both mentally and emotionally. you may struggle with power control, as you may have the perception that people are trying to take advantage of you due to your insecurities. because of that, you may also get quite possessive and bossy.

your dominant element is water. you're very intuitive and empathetic, you care a lot about others, and you may seem like a healer to people you know. in fact, you always try to help them if you can, almost in a therapeutic way. you're also very spiritual, and you're attracted to anything related to discovering your higher self and soul purpose.

🌎 ascendant in leo, 14° / 2nd decan ruled by the sun and jupiter

you’re an extremely confident and bright person, or at least you have a very strong aura around you that makes you look like you are. you have exceptional charisma and presence, in fact this is usually a celebrity placement! you surely don’t go overlooked. you naturally always try your best to make people feel at ease, and you mostly succeed thanks to your warmth, which makes you even more attractive. you probably like being recognized, and you may want to be famous. in fact, you like being in the spotlight and loaded with compliments and appreciation, they incredibly boost your self-confidence. your charisma may sometimes be too noticeable, resulting a bit dramatic; you may gesticulate a lot, imitate voices… basically, you would do amazing at acting, for example. in fact, most actors have a leo rising, or leo placements of any sort. you’re very playful, you most likely look younger than you are for your personality. you may also be a savage, and you’re most likely good at jokes of any kind. you appear as a very bubbly and outgoing person, yet you may be quite secretive. you don’t open up easily, especially about family / private matters. especially with your scorpio influence, you’re very picky when it comes to trusting people. in addition, you’re a perfectionist; you care a lot about everything that revolves around you, from physical appearance to your job, you want it all to be perfect. that can cause you a lot of stress, as you always want to seem at your best state, you despise being seen as weak or unprepared. physically, all leos have beautiful hair. you may have curly, perhaps red or dark hair, or at least it’s very thick. you may also get tanned easily, an olive skin tone or any kind of warm undertones to your skin.

leo ascendant square scorpio mercury: you appear as a very intelligent individual, and people may even feel intimidated by that. you love interacting with others; even if you're not much talkative, you like hearing about others' theories and opinions. you could also do that by reading blogs, books etc. you may sometimes find yourself in conflict with others, as you’re very opinionated and hate it when others’ opinions are baseless. pretty much, you could seem like a know-it-all. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your words, even though this quality of yours may be overshadowed by introversion at first. it's hard to find a way to make you come off as more gentle, as you have some of the most fiery and blunt signs in your chart. the fact that your mercury is in scorpio doesn't help either. you could take advantage of your astute words and sense of humor to get you out of troubles, though! just be careful not to claim that everything hurtful you say is a joke, as it could still hurt others' feelings.

🌞 sun in scorpio, 3° / 1st decan ruled by pluto

you're quite of a loner, you prefer spending time alone rather than with others. you're extremely intuitive, and you can read people like a book; they can't lie or keep secrets from you, you'll surely find out. you're pretty charismatic, and paired with your wise intellect it's hard not to agree with your ideas, especially considering that your moon is in capricorn. you're basically a leader, a very demanding one. you have high standards regarding everything: clothes, food, goals, people... you're always striving for the best, you don't want to settle down. on the other hand, even though it may take you a while to find someone worth of your affection, once that someone shows up you'll stay with them forever. you're deeply loyal, and also caring in your own way. that's because you value feelings, you can easily smell when someone isn't trustworthy. you're probably very protective of your friends and loved ones in general, sometimes even too much. this could even escalate and become a more serious issue, as scorpio is also the planet of obsession, after all. it's common for you to feel your emotions x2, as they're too intense to handle. you know everything about others, but you don't show off and gossip about it. actually, you keep the info for yourself and use it when you need it.

scorpio sun conjunct scorpio venus: you enjoy peace and harmony. you want your surroundings to look all neat and clean, and the same goes for the people you surround yourself with. you wish people saw you as easy to approach, even though you may struggle with your image. you try to be as formal and kind as possible with people you don’t know well, unless they start getting on your nerves by disagreeing with your opinions or being too bossy. you’re quite romantic too, and dream of having a perfect marriage. the downside to this aspect is that because you take so much care of yourself, people may mistake your self-love for vanity, especially with your ascendant being in leo, you could come off as self-centered. also, your self-esteem may depend too much on others’ opinion of you; you may start thinking you’re ugly and unworthy of love just because someone told you you’re not their type, to sum up.

scorpio sun opposite aries saturn: during the first years of your life, you were most likely very insecure. probably, your father or any kind of authoritative figure influenced your growth, making you self-conscious about your looks and abilities. they might've been really strict, or at least critical or overprotective of you. you feel the need to be perfect, or at least to meet others' expectations. you may also care too much about what others think about you. you may be a late bloomer, and you could face some hardships in your relationships, but this gets better with time. this probably manifests in your approach to friendships and relationships, making you quite awkward. don't worry, though; as you become more aware of yourself and your potential, saturn's lessons won't seem so harsh anymore.

🌙 moon in capricorn, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by saturn and venus

in your group of friends, you’re probably the responsible friend, as you’re very reliable and mature, almost serious. you always want to be seen as a point of reference, yet you tend to shy away from the spotlight. even though you may desire it, you feel too shy and pressured being in the centre of attention, even though this may change during times when you feel more confident thanks to your leo rising. you don’t like talking about your feelings; even if you do talk a lot, you prefer talking about news, hobbies etc. you don’t want to be the subject of the conversation. because of this, you tend to repress your emotions, as you don’t want to be seen as vulnerable. you’re a nice listener, your friends can rely on you when they need to vent without wanting an advice, as you’re probably not the best at finding a solution to their problems. you may find yourself wanting to follow a schedule, otherwise you feel as if you’re too relaxed and you’re not being productive. this is also a placement that can indicate coldness in your family environment / childhood.

🗣 mercury in scorpio, 22° / 3rd decan ruled by pluto and the moon

you're extremely blunt and straight-forward, you may actually hurt people with your words. you probably lack diplomacy, and you're very realistic. the thing is, you speak the truth, but not everyone can accept it. that's why your behaviour is so controversial. you speak fluent sarcasm, and that could annoy people who don't understand your sense of humor. you're probably good at lying, and even manipulating people. you may often make others change their mind just with your own words, but be careful not to use this skill to hurt others, or you'll only experience a sense of guilt and overall the bad sides of it. on the other hand, you're an extremely captivating speaker, you'd be successful at anything that involves the use of words and voice. you're truly intuitive, and it's easy for you to understand when someone is being honest or is lying to you. last but not least, you're very secretive as well. you're probably the type to know everything and anything about others, while you remain a mystery.

❤️ venus in scorpio, 2° / 1st decan ruled by pluto

this placement is extremely intense; you have very high standards when it comes to love. you're a passionate, loyal lover, but at the same times you also want and need a lover that is willing to go as far as you go with your feelings. you may often test your partner to see if they're worthy of your love, for example. you have this sort of self-destructive behaviour that makes people stressed, just because you have extreme trust issues and you feel the need to control everyone, especially if 'everyone' is your lover. you find yourself being more attracted to 'darker' types; that is, you may be into bad boys / girls, someone with an edgy / grunge aesthetic. I've noticed that many scorpio venus individuals have a thing for people wearing leather jackets, for example. you're probably into the idea of that passionate, even kinky love, despite being quite afraid of opening up to others. you despise too much intimacy, especially since you may often attract and / or fall for self-centered players that don't care about the intensity and purity of your feelings. you may have a few trust issues that lead you into being extremely jealous and / or possessive. you could even get quite stalker-ish at times, but in the best way possible of course. that isn't because you want to take over your partner's life, but you need to feel secure and understand whether you're dedicating your time and your heart to the right person or you're just wasting yourself. a betrayal would hurt you deeply, as you'd literally die for the one you love.

scorpio venus opposite aries saturn: you feel unable to love someone. this placement usually brings fear of committing, causing the individual to be flaky. there are two possibilities; I assume you directly avoid to get into relationships. your mind may unconsciously repress any thought about an eventual crush or love interest. it is caused by your insecurity, especially regarding your looks. or perhaps, it’s the other way around: you literally jump into relationships, resulting in you getting hurt from time to time. you could feel pressured to be in a relationship, even though it’s not your priority. saturn opposing venus may also manifest in as lack of romanticism in an individual, but I don’t think it’s totally your case. I assume that you are quite romantic, but exactly because of your romanticism, you tend to get very picky. you want your partner to meet your ideals of perfection, and hence you may often end up not dating anyone, or being let down by your own lovers. actually, you could even be afraid of love, especially because there could be a lot of karma around your relationships. you could have to experience lots of hardships throughout your love life, but they’ll help you become more mature. it’s also recommended to get married after your saturn return with this placement, hence after your 27/28 years.

☄️ mars in virgo, 11° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and saturn

your life revolves around being productive. you don't like to waste your time, you always try to learn and gain something useful from everything you do. that's caused by the fact that you're motivated to be perfect in what you like; this, combined with your competitive nature, may often cause you to burn out. in fact, the downside to this placement is that you may overwork yourself too much. this is bad, especially considering your heavy leo dominance: leo is all about imagination, creativity, fun, love... if you work too much, you don't have time to travel with your mind, and that's a serious issue for a leo. in fact, it may be hard for you to endure too much hard work. you're capable of achieving your goals, but in order to do that you also need a break from time to time.

virgo mars opposite pisces jupiter: you easily come off as more assertive and arrogant than you actually are. you say things impulsively, and sometimes you’re too blunt and hurt people’s feelings. you don’t do it on purpose, though, there’s no malice behind your acts; it’s just your natural way to express your opinions. you’re also very competitive, and this may make you look selfish. on a positive side, you probably have a naturally nice body (or maybe you react fast to diet/workout). you’re a risk-taker, and if you’re not you should try breaking the rules sometimes (obviously not doing illegal stuff lol). in fact, it’s when you’re both physically and mentally active that you’re able to come up with even better ideas, as you’re full of creativity. to cope with this placement, you can try doing something fun to challenge your mind, basically get out of your comfort-zone. of course you don’t have to overdo it, but it would be beneficial.

virgo mars square sagittarius pluto: with this placement, I assume that when you were younger you were some sort of victim. you could have been bullied, for example, you used to be insecure about the way you looked and were. you could have felt different from others, and they took advantage of that to make you feel even more insecure. or maybe, it was a parent, or every authoritative figure in your life, that restricted you from following your own ideals. because of that, now you constantly feel the need to prove yourself. you probably tend to accumulate a lot of anger all together, which you need to let all out or you could explode. you could find comfort in physical ways to relieve stress, like punching bags, slamming doors, etc. or perhaps, when you're angry you just get overwhelmed by all of your emotions. you may cry, scream, even throw up in certain cases. on the other hand, you are extremely magnetic and attractive to others, you naturally draw people towards you. you're also extremely passionate in whatever you do, you put your whole heart in doing things you love. you're very hard-working and determined to achieve your goals, making you extremely dedicated.

🏠 houses

your 1st house is in leo. with this placement, you care a lot about your persona, both physically and also mentally too. yet, you may start feeling like you need to be perfect at all costs to be accepted, especially during your early years. for example, you may be the type to follow fashion trends to look cool, and you may subconsciously force yourself to like them. you need to understand that you should enhance your individuality, and ask yourself who you are. it’s not all about who you are outside, the inside matters even more. you’re free to stand out, but make sure that you do it in a comfortable way for you, or it will start becoming toxic as time goes by. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 4th house: you are very family-oriented, you care deeply about your relatives or even about people you consider family. you may be picky and find it hard than you can truly trust, but once you do you're completely loyal. you may also be a very private person, you don't like showing yourself too in-depth to others.

your 2nd house is in virgo, with also your mars placed there. you have a practical approach to money; even though you may like spending and shopping, I see you being careful with them, and you may even have track of them through an agenda or something like that. you feel the need to be perfect, and that can cause you self-esteem issues. with your heavy leo energy, I assume that this manifests as sudden bursts of insecurity or of confidence, your image of yourself fluctuates a lot. you take pride in your intellect, you are very proud of your ideas, theories and opinions. you could also make money from communication of any kind. you could be a writer, a singer, a teacher, a diplomat… especially with your heavy leo energy, you’re very creative, you’d definitely would well in such a field. mars in this house indicates that you may actually despise working too much; you love challenging your mind, but you're kind of lazy. you'd rather stimulate yourself through your hobbies and interests rather than using school / work, which are quite stressful for you. you need to find something material and concrete to motivate you and make you assertive. you could study just because you need a good grade, or maybe work just to get paid. you don't really do it with interest, as you care more about nurturing your passions than responsibilities. you're not really into conflicts; you'd rather be peaceful with everyone, as you find it a waste time to argue with someone. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 4th house: you could increase your self-esteem through your your family or your loved ones in general, they may highly support you and help you having a better idea of yourself. you may also make money through your family, so perhaps you could get an inheritance or you may follow the same steps as your parents when it comes to career. you may also work from home, or alone in general. lastly, you could make money from families, you could work as a counselor for instance, or maybe through real-estate.

your 3rd house is in virgo. you’re very precise and polite in the way you express your thoughts. you’re probably very careful to grammar, vocabulary etc… you love looking and being knowledgeable. you’re more of a logical type rather than an intuitive person, you hardly ever do something only out of curiosity. you’re very cautious about the decisions you make, and hence it could take you some time to finally choose something, but that’s because you just don’t want to regret anything. you think deeply about your choices, and most of the time they turn out to be right. you’re strongly opinionated, but you may be a bit too harsh when you express your ideas. sometimes you could even hurt someone, as you’re extremely honest. you don’t like sugar-coating your words. you’re also very intelligent and hard-working, and you can’t stand messy things. you’re probably very neat, you like having schedules and you may even keep an agenda / diary where you keep track of your appointments and other things you have to do.

your 4th house is in libra, with a huge stellium involving the sun, venus, mercury, pluto chiron and lilith in this house. your physical home was probably very pleasant and beautiful; you may have a conventionally beautiful family, or at least they’re particularly attractive and charming. your house may also be very well-designed and elegant, doesn’t matter how big it is. you probably see your parents as ideal, they are your role models and you look up to them, even though they could have been a bit restrictive from time to time. you could have the habit to argue a lot with your parents or with your family in general, you probably all have strong personalities and hence you end up being in conflict from time to time. there could have even been some physical violence in the worst case, or perhaps your parents were very strict and possessive of you. you didn't feel in control of your life during your childhood, and you were highly influenced by them. as a result, you had to grow up sooner than other kids.

your 5th house is in sagittarius. you most likely love hanging out, you love being in company of your loved ones and you’re probably quite extroverted too. you don’t mind being in social situations, partying and having fun in general, even though at first you could be reluctant. they’re actually crucial for your happiness, as social interactions are your source of relax. actually, you find joy and pleasure in them. you may also be fond of light relationships, you’re very experimental when it comes to intimacy, but thanks to your scorpio influence you’re able to understand the true essence of love and settle down when you find the right one. you’re most likely also an extremely creative person, and thanks to your capricorn moon you may even be able to make them concrete. the ruler of the 5th house is in the 8th house: you’re probably passionate of things that are a part of the occult sphere: astrology, tarots, sex, death, horror... you may have darker interests, in a certain sense. you could also be into conspiracy theories, you enjoy analyzing the environment around you and you feel a strong need to have everything under control.

your 6th house is in capricorn, with also the moon, uranus and neptune placed there. usually, people with a capricorn 6th house are very responsible and work-oriented. they generally don’t leave much space to fun and amusement, but the presence of uranus and neptune here may change this a bit. you do have a strong sense of duty, but you don’t overwork yourself. you’re able to find balance between work and hobbies, and that’s obviously great. yet, you may sometimes procrastinate in your day-to-day life. that can possibly cause you issues in your career; you may be indecisive about your future path for example, or you could even not be much precise in your work. uranus here also indicates that you may often come across unpredictable events in your daily life. you may often see strange, unordinary things, or perhaps it’s your routine that is like that. you may lack consistency when it comes to diets and health, for example; you may start a diet and keep it for a month, then you get tired and drop it all of a sudden. lastly, the moon here indicates that you want to have everything under control, you can't bear not being organized. you most probably write down your appointments and stuff on an agenda, or perhaps even in the notes app of your phone. you're extremely precise, you want everything to be perfect. you most likely have a skincare routine, workout... just anything that makes you feel healthy. you love taking care of yourself, especially of your hygiene. you also put a lot of effort in your outfits, you fear not being at your best state. you're a perfectionist, after all. the ruler of the 6th house is in the 10th house: you could pursue a career that involves healing, possibly medicine. you could be a therapist of any kind, a doctor, a nurse… even a vet. also, this is another placement that indicates that you’ll communicate something through your career. it doesn’t necessarily have to be with words, you may also communicate in a graphic way, hence you could be an actor, an artist, a photographer etc.

your 7th house is in aquarius. you do like the idea of marriage and love, yet you need your space as well. you don’t want to feel committed in a relationship, it would be suffocating for you. that could make you appear as emotionally cold or detached, when you’re really not. you just care a lot about your personal growth, especially after your turbulent childhood. perhaps, you could even attract mentally unstable partners, they could be a bit moody for example. last but not least, you may meet your future spouse in an unexpected situation. the ruler of the 7th house is in the 6th house: you may meet your future spouse during your everyday life, hence perhaps at work, or just doing anything you do daily, even at the gym for example. you may also meet them in a hospital.

your 8th house is in pisces, with also jupiter placed there. you may have many dreams, you’re very artistic and creative. yet, due to this placement, you struggle to let this side of you out and make it concrete. I assume that the reason for this blockage is your rationality. you’re way too logical, and you don’t leave space for your imagination. that’s probably caused by the fact that you’re afriad of being seen as a failure, and hence you don’t really go out of your comfort zone when it comes to your ideas. to reach your state of happiness, you need to turn what you dream about into reality. with jupiter here, you’re very curious when it comes to taboo topics, you like learning about them. you’re probably into conspiracy theories, as well as matters like astrology, tarots, horror, tragedies, violence… you can use them to transform yourself and grow up, so you could definitely use this birth chart reading to improve yourself. 8th house is also the house of karma, and yours is kind of strange. you may often feel like you’re right about something, e.g the sky is blue. you’re very proud of your observation, but then it turns out to be different. it’s like the universe is constantly teaching you new things. luckily, this is something that gets better with time. in addition, having jupiter here is great, as jupiter kind of protects you from the 8th house’s malefic themes. all the negative things that could happen to you, are actually blessings that are here to help you. you just need to be a little bit more optimistic, the universe has your back. the ruler of the 8th house is in the 6th house: you include taboo, 8th house matters in your day-to-day life; astrology, horror, occult, sex, psychology… or perhaps, you could work in one of those fields. you may also handle someone else’s money, hence you could work in a bank.

your 9th house is in pisces. this is definitely a nice placement! the result is that you’re probably extremely open-minded and imaginative. you hardly ever have have prejudices, you don’t judge a book by its cover. you’re extremely opinionated, and combined with your virgo 3rd house you’re constantly looking for the truth. you hate it when people say something wrong for example, you can’t help but correct them. you could also be religious and believe in a god. philosophy, literature and poetry are also a part of your many interests. in addition, you’re most likely also into foreign languages and cultures. you could travel a lot, or perhaps with your pisces in the house cusp you like travelling with your mind. you probably literally create stories in your head, you’re extremely imaginative. a good advice would be not to waste this talent of yours; you could actually make your fantasies concrete and express them through creative outlets: books, drawings, songs, choreographies… basically, it would be a waste to only keep them for you. you may also learn about more creative topics rather than school subjects.

your 10th house is in aries, with also saturn sitting there. with your 10th house cusp in the energetic sign of aries, you need a career that allows you to be independent, you probably prefer working alone than in groups. or perhaps, you actually aspire to become a boss, a ceo, someone people look up to, and if you work hard you may actually become an influential person in your work place / field. you aspire to be successful and you want to be wealthy thanks to yourself only, and you may actually develop some good luck in your career life. your future job may also require something related to physical action, and hence you may have to move a lot for your job, perhaps you may pursue acting to include something creative that also requires you to move. saturn is placed in this house as well, being in the best place as it is its natural house. in fact, you may struggle at first to find or even choose a good career for you, perhaps you may not be well-paid at first, but after your 27/28 years you'll surely become very successful, responsible and mature.

your 11th house is in gemini. in your friends, you seek mental stimulation. you wouldn’t stand someone too chill, you need someone who’s always up for an adventure. your friends are most likely very witty and intelligent, even though you may not have a stable relationship with them. in fact, they may often change, as you could get bored easily, or in general you just meet a lot of people in your life that it’s natural for you to detach from someone else. same goes for your goals; you want to do different, several things in your life, all different from each other. actually, you have the potential to be great in different fields, but if you don’t decide what matters the most to you, you may come across some troubles, so beware of that.

your 12th house is in cancer. you’re an extremely spiritual and intuitive person. you may be attracted to dreams, religion, astrology, spirituality… anything that can wake you up, spiritually speaking. you may also be particularly talented at reading birth charts, tarots, even talking to spirits. you may have prophetic dreams, or you could even have deja-vus. the 12th house is also the house of fears, so having cancer here indicates that you may be afraid of your childhood, emotions, past memories. perhaps, even of your home environment or directly of your parents. it’s a part of your life that you’d rather keep secret. you may also have some escapism tendencies, such as oversleeping, overeating… or perhaps, you could easily develop addictions, so be careful to that, as you’re particularly sensitive to drugs, alcohol etc.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract aquarius, sagittarius, scorpio and pisces. your future spouse will most likely have scorpio and sagittarius traits placements, maybe a scorpio-sagittarius placement. they’ll be very similiar to you: secretive and hard-working, but also with a warm, loyal heart and a hidden insecurity to them. as I’ve already mentioned before, you may meet them at work, or in any place where you go in your day-to-day life. it may be the gym, a bar… literally any place you attend regularly. your children will most likely have strong sagittarius or pisces traits: they’ll be very daring and brave, but also very funny and warm. also, they’ll be extremely intelligent and more mature as time goes by. they’ll also have a tender side to them, but that is often overshadowed by their playfulness.

👶🏻 family life

your father is a very fiery, impulsive person, with a short-temper. he could have even been quite violent with you during your childhood, and he might have a bit of a childish behaviour. deep down, he’s actually kind of insecure with his role as a father, but he may hate to admit it. he may have aries, capricorn, virgo or scorpio placements in his chart. your mother, on the other hand, is slighly more submissive. she’s mostly a peaceful and emotional person, even though she most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. she was very intense, even scary at times, especially when she got angry. she might’ve also been very possessive or overprotective. nonetheless, you could actually have a better relationship with her rather than with your father, or at least she understands your needs better. she may have libra, capricorn, scorpio, leo or taurus placements in her chart. if you have siblings, they’re probably very peaceful and intelligent. they may also be very kind, as well as organized. their rooms probably look immaculate. they could have virgo or gemini placements in their charts.

📊 career

you’re a very ambitious person, and hence I don’t see you being the type to scrap projects. especially with your aries midheaven, you’re motivated to complete your works in order to show that you’re able to succeed, you want to be the best in what you do. I can also see you being a good therapist, psychologist, possibly even a doctor of any kind, even though I’d avoid practical and boring jobs if I were in you. your water dominance struggles to be cold-minded at times, and hence working in a stressful environment could be dangerous for you and for your mental health, as you may absorb others’ negativity and stress. actually, I feel like the most suited career for you would be something that allows you to be in charge, to be your own boss as you know what’s best for you. you could possibly be good at speaking other languages, therefore you would make a perfect translator or interpreter. or maybe, you may even work as a flight attendant, you could have to travel for your job. I also see you being a great leader, or maybe a teacher or instructor of any kind.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

you may have lots of dark, edgy clothes in your wardrobe, from leather to animal prints. you could possibly also fancy velvet in your clothes. your style is mostly quite classy and elegant, but still with a touch of boldness to it. as for the colors, I assume you also enjoy wearing darker shades, from dark blue, purple, burgundy… to just directly black. you could possibly be fond of total-black fits too.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, the focus was on your relationships with others. maybe, you had troubles with self-esteem and identity in general and you used to depend on others. you had to work hard and finally understand how to build healthy relationships with others to fulfill your past life purpose. hence, this lifetime your focus will be yourself. hence, this lifetime your focus will be yourself. even though at first you might feel quite insecure, this lifetime you're here to develop this matter.

🤔 major transits analysis / may 8th

this year transit juno, the asteroid of marriage, is conjunct your vertex point, which indicates a point of destiny in a birth chart. that means that you may meet someone that could eventually end up becoming your spouse. or at least, it means that you’ll finally be able to take a decision and commit to something relevant in your life. it may be a job, a lifestyle etc. anything that you need to feel serene. also, these last few days you could be feeling very active as well, you may hardly procrastinate and you feel very productive.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water placements, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

and this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if it resonated :)

- libramc xx

[cake-writes]

Low

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Drug and Alcohol Abuse, Mental Illness (Bipolar & Depression), Violence, 18+

Word Count: 3.5k

Requested by @josiewinters1999​: I was wondering if you could write a Steve x Reader where Steve helps Reader (his girlfriend) get over a drug addiction?

This request really hits close to home. To write this, I relied heavily on my own experiences with bipolar and drug addiction. If you - any of you - ever you need someone to talk to, my ask box and messages are always open!

Steve had always known you were big into gym supplements. You didn’t have serum or anything else enhanced running through your veins, just plain human blood, so you were always on the lookout for safe, healthy ways to boost your abilities. Even before the two of you got together, you introduced him to protein shakes, amino acids, creatine, the works – and you were very rarely ever found without a shaker bottle in hand, fresh from the gym.  

It certainly helped you quite a lot to supplement your exercise. You could bench press and deadlift a lot of weight for your small stature, and your squats were in a league of their own. You were strong. Not as strong as him, of course, but for a regular person, you could definitely pack a wallop.

Even though your body was strong, your mind wasn’t. He knew that too, and he didn’t pry. Steve certainly wasn’t without his demons, and he reminded you every now and then that he’d be happy to talk if you ever wanted to. You’d been together for a little over a year, now, and he’d opened up quite a bit about his own past – but you hadn’t. Not about the things that plagued you. Not yet. It would take time, and he knew that. He understood.  

He probably should have paid more mind than he did to the pills you started to take. Over the last few months, your bedside drawer slowly became full of them. Some were for medical reasons, and the rest were vitamins or supplements – or so you claimed.

In some regards, he knew a fair bit about your meds. The little white pill was your birth control. The little blue one was an antidepressant. The capsule was lithium. All for medical reasons.

The others weren’t.

The bigger white pill was oxycodone. The yellow one was valium.

Those weren’t vitamins at all. You lied to him about them, and he was oblivious. He certainly didn’t think to research them, because he trusted you. Vitamins and supplements were nothing out of the ordinary.

What Steve didn’t know was that you were spiralling.

You’d been prescribed the oxy a few weeks back to alleviate the pain from a couple of broken bones in your wrist. You’d mostly healed up by now, but due to your line of work, the doctor had given you a backup supply along with a warning not to abuse them – just in case the pain very likely flared up in your wrist.

And it did.

And you did.

You abused them. Not only did they make you feel good, like everything would be alright, but they also gave you extra energy and made you chatty and sociable. You liked to pop one or two before missions where a lot of teamwork would be involved. Sometimes you’d take them before Tony’s insufferable parties, too, and combine them with alcohol for extra effect. That was always fun.

The valium, on the other hand, was originally meant to manage your anxiety, carefully prescribed by a psychiatrist who monitored your condition. Flare-ups didn’t happen often, mostly just when you made a stupid mistake on a mission, and afterwards you’d stew over it for hours like a broken record, over and over and over. You’d ruminate. The valium took the edge off and distracted you from your thoughts. It, too, made you feel good.

Needless to say, as of late you weren’t in a very good headspace. The fact that you were manic depressive was bad enough. It was manageable, but that kind of diagnosis didn’t just go away, even if you usually did handle it well enough with a delicate combination of medication and therapy.

Work stress was what triggered your downward spiral. The longer you were an Avenger, the more it took its toll on you and, eventually, your mood started to plummet despite your medication. You went low.

Truth be told, you’d been low for weeks. The fact that you’d started to pop pills was a good indication, but you refused to acknowledge that something was wrong.

Steve always made sure you knew that you could talk to him if you ever needed to, but you didn’t about the more serious stuff. For basic things, you did – how your wrist was healing up, how you were feeling today, if you’d achieved one of your top three things for the day like he gently encouraged you to do. They were little questions that showed he cared, and it meant the world to you that he asked them – just as much as when he told you I love you outright.

You knew how much it would hurt him to know that you were feeling depressed, so you didn’t share that with him. He already had so much on his shoulders, and you didn’t want to be a burden. He knew all about your highs and your lows and he did what he could to help you through them – but there wasn’t much he could do and it only made you feel guilty. You knew how helpless he felt on the days you couldn’t even get yourself out of bed, and you didn’t want him to think anything was wrong.

So, instead, you popped pills – pills that made the world seem bright again, if only for a few short hours.

One small dose of valium slowly turned to three as your tolerance increased. It made you feel so incredibly relaxed that you stared into space sometimes, mind blissfully blank. Sometimes it knocked you out, too; made you sleep like the dead. Steve had never known you to be a heavy sleeper, but as of late, you had been. He figured you’d just been having a rough couple of weeks because your body was still healing. He was oblivious.

In the Quinjet before a particularly bothersome mission, you needed the extra energy and ego boost. This mission would require a fair amount of teamwork and you were in no mood for it. Sam sat to your left while the two of you prepped your gear, and Steve was across the aisle from you, his shield in the vacant seat beside him. Clint was piloting. The rest of the team was already on site, ready to raid.

After your gear was all ready and adjusted, Sam just happened to glance over and catch you pull a little orange pill bottle from your pocket. At first, he assumed it was another vitamin or supplement or some stupid new thing you were into, until he caught a glimpse of the label – oxycodone.

You popped two of the tablets into your mouth, and dry swallowed them with ease.

Well, that wasn’t normal.

As you shoved the bottle back into your duffel bag, you caught him eyeing you and asked blankly, “What?”

“Those your, uh,” he chose his words carefully to test the waters, “new supps?”

You beamed at him. “Aw, Sammy, you know me so well.”

Sam had been a counsellor at the VA for a number of years. He knew what drug addiction looked like. Of course he was the first person to catch on to yours. The fact that you’d blatantly lied about it was the first sign – lied and deflected. And then, later on during the mission, when your words slurred just a little over comms, that was the second one.

He was going to have a very difficult conversation with you, and he wasn’t looking forward to it. What’s worse was that he needed to keep it from Steve out of respect for you. Sam was never one for secrets, but for now, he’d keep yours. If the conversation went south like he highly suspected it would, then he’d would have no choice but to tell him. Hopefully that wouldn’t happen and you’d come to your senses, but he already knew you wouldn’t.

In the morning, Sam made you breakfast. That wasn’t too unusual, because he made everyone breakfast every now and then. He liked to cook, and his pancakes were to die for. Knowing he was making them this morning put a tiny bit of light into your otherwise bleak outlook on life as of late.

It was just the two of you in the kitchen so early in the morning. Steve had accidentally woken you up as he was getting ready for his morning jog, and you hadn’t been able to get back to sleep. Sam had strangely chosen to forego his, but he did that every now and then so you didn’t think anything of it.

As expected, the conversation went poorly.

“Those weren’t vitamins yesterday,” Sam commented casually, “were they?”

You’d just started bringing your loaded fork up to your mouth, but you stilled. The pause was extremely brief, just long enough to make it obvious that he wasn’t wrong. Then you rolled your eyes and shoved the bite of pancakes into your mouth.

“Sure they were,” you told him, muffled by pancakes. “Gotta get my B-12’s, you know.”

You lied about it so easily, like you’d done it a hundred times before. Sam knew what oxycodone looked like, and he could only imagine what other things you were on if you were popping pills so easily before a mission – and two of them, no less.

Sam said your name firmly, almost in reprimand and immediately, your temper flared.  You purposely dropped your fork down onto the plate with a loud clink and shot him a nasty glare.

“It’s oxy,” he responded. “You shouldn’t be taking it on a mission. You know that.”

“It’s a vitamin,” you hissed. “Ask Steve. He knows.”

Sam crossed his arms over his chest. “You lie to him too?”

At that, you loudly shoved your chair back from the kitchen counter and got to your feet. “I’m not gonna put up with your bullshit, Wilson. You wanna counsel someone, go back to the VA.”

“This isn’t about me.” His voice was patient and kind, not accusatory. “You’ve got a problem.”

“No, you’re the one with the problem,” you spat at him. “Get off my ass.”

Projection. He’d expected as much.

“I can get you in contact with someone. She’s really good—”

You interrupted him angrily, “Go to hell, Sam.”  

And then, when you stormed out of the room, he let you go. He knew it was a hard pill to swallow – literally – to be told something like this, and he’d dealt with it hundreds of times by this point. Everyone reacted differently. Some people came to terms with it and tried to do better, while others sank even further into addiction. He hoped you’d be the former, not the latter.

Just in case, though, he sent Steve a quick text.

Keep an eye on her for the next couple of days, yeah? She’s low.

When you got back upstairs to your shared room with Steve, you popped another couple pills – valium this time – and cried into your pillow.

After he received Sam’s text, Steve returned from his jog sooner than he’d planned. He found you bundled up in the sheets, staring into space with streaks of tears and mascara drying on your cheeks. You didn’t even notice he was there, or if you did, you didn’t acknowledge him. You just kept staring blankly at the wall.

His heart broke at the sight.

“Oh, sweetheart—”

Steve gathered you into his arms so easily and held you close, bringing your head against his chest as the two of you lay in bed together. Your messy makeup stained his white t-shirt, but he didn’t care and neither did you. It was a small comfort, the way he threaded his fingers through your hair as he whispered sweet things to you, reassurances he always told you when you were low. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay. I love you.”

You didn’t respond, or maybe you couldn’t. You loved him, but in this moment you were numb. You fell asleep to the sound of his voice, surrounded by the warmth and love that only Steve – your sweet, caring Steve – could provide.

You were low. Almost at rock bottom, as a matter of fact, but not quite.

Rock bottom hit during your next mission, two days later.

You took a couple shots of alcohol before the mission to settle the pre-mission jitters, and then you popped three oxy on the Quinjet, not because you needed them but as an act of rebellion. Sam wasn’t there this time to get on your case, and for that, you were thankful. Instead, you were paired up with Bucky and Natasha. You didn’t need the drugs for this mission because you got along with the two of them, but you took them anyway as a nice fuck you.

That fuck you almost got you and your teammates killed.

It was meant to be a covert mission – pop in and out unseen, grab some intel, but you were, to put it bluntly, entirely too fucked up to be in the field. You couldn’t sneak around when you were so clumsy and uncoordinated. While you’d combined alcohol with oxy before, you’d never done it with three and you didn’t realize to what extent it would fuck you up.

Needless to say, your presence was quickly detected.

The three of you were outnumbered.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” Natasha bit out, shoving you behind the wall right before a flood of bullets ricocheted off of it. You just slid down it and fell on your ass, high as hell, not to mention the fact that your vision was blurry and you were seeing double. You didn’t care that you’d nearly been shot.

Maybe it would have been a blessing.

You didn’t even realize that you already had been shot until Bucky was suddenly there, crouching down in front of you, his lips pressed together in a thin line. You weren’t even sure where he came from, but he started applying firm pressure to your shoulder with one hand, patting your cheek with the other. It was the only way he could capture your attention long enough to assess you – and what he found was that you were in a stupor.

He knew it wasn’t shock settling in, because he could smell the alcohol on your breath for one, and for two, all you did was smile up at him like an idiot. You didn’t feel a thing. You probably didn’t even know where the hell you were.

He wasn’t wrong.

Blood seeped through his fingers as he tore open a pack of gauze with his teeth, and then he swore under his breath, packing the wound with practiced finesse. He was no medic, nor was he perfect at it, but he knew enough.

Your blood streamed freely down the back of his hand, the bright colour a stark contrast to his pale skin and the only thought on your mind was that it was a very pretty red.

Then Bucky and Natasha were saying things to each other, but you couldn’t really focus on it with the blood loss and the noise from the gunshots – particularly Natasha’s when she returned fire as Bucky hoisted you up onto his back.

How the three of you made it out, you couldn’t be sure. You didn’t pass out, but you weren’t entirely awake for it, either.

That was the shock settling in.

You didn’t stay conscious for long.

It was all a blur until the next day, when you finally woke to Steve sitting at your bedside with a book. He hadn’t managed to get very far into it. One of his large, warm hands lay atop yours, but the only thing you could focus on was the sharp, awful pain in your shoulder. That was when the memories – what little of them remained – came flooding back.

You’d been shot.

“I thought I was supposed to get morphine,” you joked, wincing from both the pain and at how raspy your voice sounded.

Steve’s eyes snapped up from his novel to your face, and on it you saw mostly relief – but it was coupled with an emotion you couldn’t quite grasp. Not yet.

“They couldn’t give you any,” he told you, squeezing your hand gently but it did nothing to soften the blow of his next words. “You had too much… stuff in your system.”

Oh.

Oh.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, hesitant and awkward and it only put you on the defensive because, in that moment, you realized that he knew.

“What do you think?” you snapped at him, pulling your hand from his grasp. That was a mistake, because it was on the same side as your wound and searing pain rushed through you at the action, so much that you were forced to bite down on your lower lip to keep from screaming. Every single muscle in your body was tense, ready to fight or to run, to flee from the conversation you knew you were going to have.

You refused to look at him again. You were ashamed. You’d fucked up.

You’d fucked up bad.

“Bucky and Nat are fine,” he reassured you. “They want to see you.”

Hot tears pricked at the corners of your eyes and you chewed at your lower lip, slowly shaking your head. “No. I don’t want them to see me like this.”

Like a junkie. That was what you’d become.

He knew what you meant. They’d seen you in a hospital bed before, as had Steve.

“Bucky was really worried, you know?” Steve’s attempt to lighten the mood fell flat. “Said he’d never seen so much blood coming from such a small—”

“Can we just get this over with?” you interrupted, finally meeting his eyes again. The tears hadn’t yet spilled over, but when you saw the look on his face, you knew they were close. “Rip off the band-aid, Steve. Come on.”  

Steve slowly exhaled, running a hand through his hair. He wasn’t planning on discussing this right now with you, because you’d literally just woken up, you were in pain, upset and the last thing he wanted to do was upset you further. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have right now, and truth be told, it made him nervous.

Even still, he ripped off the band-aid just like you asked him to.

“They ran a tox screen,” he told you, point-blank. “Sam’s suggestion. He said the two of you had a conversation the other day, and the mission reports…”

You grimaced. “What did they say?”

“You know what they said.”

Natasha might have covered for you before, for other, smaller things, but for this she wouldn’t – and Bucky wouldn’t, either. They couldn’t rely on you to have their backs, not like this. If you were in no condition to be in the field, then they would have had no choice but to report it. You’d nearly gotten them killed as it was, and you were lucky that it was only you who’d been shot.

You supposed you deserved it. That thought made you look down at your lap in shame, and you fidgeted anxiously with the thin, scratchy blanket on your uninjured side.

“It’s okay,” Steve told you in his familiar way, gently wrapping his fingers around your small hand again. You didn’t pull away this time, but you didn’t look up at him, either, because the dam finally broke. Tears streamed down your face for what felt like the umpteenth time in the last few weeks.

Steve was always too kind, never judgmental, but right now all you wanted was for him to yell at you. You didn’t want his kindness, not right now. You’d nearly gotten your teammates killed and here he was he was telling you that it was okay.

“It’s not, Steve.” Your voice was weak and pathetic, and it broke when you spoke again, “I’m not.”

That was when the bed dipped, and then Steve gathered you in his arms so easily, just like he always did – except this time, he was a lot more careful with you. He was too gentle, like you were going to shatter to pieces if he wasn’t.

“I know,” he whispered. “I love you.”

He said those three little words so often to you – a couple times a day, at least – but even now you never really understood how he could love someone like you. You were broken, and at your core you had far too many troubles for him to handle, but he tried. He always tried.

Even if he didn’t know what to do to help you, and even if there was nothing he could do, he still tried.

Maybe you’d try, too. Maybe you’d finally talk to him about your troubles.

“I’m sorry,” you managed in between sobs, burying your face into his chest. The words just kept coming, spilling out of your mouth like verbal vomit and it only made you hate yourself more. “I’m sorry. I love you so much, Steve, please don’t leave me—”

“I won’t,” he reassured you, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. “We’re in this together. It’ll be okay.”

He’d told you that so many times over the past year that you’d been with him, but this was the first time you ever believed him.

It would be okay.

(If you like my work, please consider donating to my Patreon or my Ko-Fi!)

[gogoseabrook]

- “Everytime people see us messing around they think you’re bullying me because you look hard af. And now they think those hickeys you gave me are bruises…” zeddison AU

And as promised, here we go :)

Punk vs Pastel Prompts

The locker slam in her ear had her flinching.

“Addy-”

She closed her own much quieter. “I’m telling you, it’s not like that.” She said, keeping her voice low. “Please, okay, I’m asking you-”

“I know, but…” She grabbed her hand. Her eyes flickered up, finding her best friend holding on so tight her nails were beginning to mark. “I’m scared, Addy. I’ve seen them. And him.” She scowled. “He’s not good news.”

“Okay,” Addison pulled her hand free, crossing her arms. “Stop right there.” She held up her hand as Bree moved forwards. “No, okay? No. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I trust him. That should be enough for you.” She turned, rubbing at her wrist on her way out of the locker room. “I thought at least you’d understand.”

“I’ve seen them!” Bree exploded, Addison stopping and turning as her friend stood there. Bree hopped from foot to foot, wilting in the silence and wringing her hands. “I...I know Addy.”

“Know...what?” Addison’s feet wouldn’t move.

She couldn’t.  She couldn’t.

“I know what he’s doing to you. You don’t have to defend him.” Addison was rooted to the spot as Bree walked back over, pushing her hair back. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her voice was barely there, lost in her breath.

“It’s...I’m not stupid.” Bree was looking at her. Looking at her hard. She didn’t know what she saw there. “The way he’s crowding you all the time. Grabbing at you even when you push at him.” She’d never seen Bree scowl that way. “He’s always trying to- to force you into doing stuff, and I know you don’t like that kind of thing.”

“Bree…”

“Those guys are all the same. Leather jackets and bad attitudes. But…” Bree held her hands. “You don’t need to stay with him. Bully or- or worse, you don’t need him. You are so much better than that.”

“But...wh…” Addison shook from head to toe, still trapped by her friend’s stare. “I don’t...I don’t know what you- what are you saying?”

Bree sighed, gripping Addison’s hands so tight a white outline began to press into her skin. It was only practice that kept her from flinching. She nodded towards her collar. “Those bruises aren’t...makeup can’t hide it. Not all the time. I’ve seen what he’s done.” Bree looked down at her shoes, scuffing one on the floor. “I know all about it. They’re- they’re all over you.”

“Bree…” All she could do was laugh. Even when Bree jolted away, the hysterics bubbled out. Endless giggles and the occasional snort filled the empty locker room, Addison’s face flushed pink by the time she was finished. “Bree, they aren’t bruises.” She said, wiping away a tear.

“Huh? B-But-!” Bree stammered, eyes wide. “What? No! But, then- huh?”

“Well,” her cheeks darkened further. “They’re not...those kinds of bruises.” Bree’s face was blank confusion, Addison’s face turning from pink to red when her eyes widened. “He’d never hurt me, Bree. I know him.” She ducked, flashes crossing behind her eyelids. “He’s...he’s good to me. Really good to me.” Too good, honestly.

Silence bounced through the room, Bree swallowing and fanning her face from by one of the lockers. She fidgeted with a dial. “You’re sure? Like, sure sure?” Bree glanced over. Addison nodded, refusing to look away. Everything tightened throughout her, the ice and steel weaving prisons around her heart and trapping her breath and-

“Okay.” Bree was hugging her tight, and it took a second to hug back, the world blurring to sharpness around her before they tightened their embrace. “I’m sorry I got so...I just- you know… and I worry because you’re my best friend and he’s so different and I don’t want your heart to get ripped out or worse and if you got hurt I’d never forgive myself and-”

Addison tightened her arms, ignoring the burn at the back of her eyes. “I know. I love you too.”

The knock on the locker door pulled them apart. Addison spun on her heel, the pounding of her heart only worsening as Zed poked his head through, hand firmly over his eyes. “Is it safe to come in?”

Sharing a smile with her friend, Addison hurried over to draw his hand down, kissing his cheek as they stood together. “It’s safe.” She promised. Zed blinked, dark eyes warm as he pulled her closer, nuzzling their noses.

“I missed you.” He whispered.

“I missed you.” The words stamped onto her heart. But watching him light up- so unashamed and open, it made her want to cry just a little- and cuddle her close, kisses dusted down her throat, she knew she’d never regret that fact. All she could do was press in tight, safe in his arms, the leather of his jacket pleasantly cool against her skin.

“You know,” She’d forgotten Bree was there until her voice jolted them apart. “I just remembered I have an assignment due for Mr. Vega I need to get done, so I’m gonna bail.” She paused, and turned on her heel. “And don’t worry, I’ll bring by some extra foundation for you tomorrow.” She giggled, Addison burying herself in Zed’s chest before the door clanged shut across the way.

“Do I wanna know?” Addison groaned and tugged on her collar. “What does...oh.” Even pressed into his shirt, she could feel his smirk. “Ooops.” His grin pressed into her neck. “Guess I’ll need to be more careful about where I hide them.” He nipped at her jaw, bringing a giggle out. “Sorry, beautiful.”

“No you’re not.” She looped her arms around his neck, playing with the dyed green hair that had first caught her eye. “I don’t want you to be.”

The way he looked at her, it made her feel so alive. His arm was loose around her middle, hand cupping her face to bring her up for a gentle kiss. 

Again, she couldn’t understand Bree; Zed was perfect. He’d never hurt her. Since the day they’d met, he was the only one she knew she could rely on. Without a doubt.

“Ready to get out of here?” He mumbled, letting her nod and sharing a quick peck as they finally abandoned the locker room. “Curfew still 10?”

“Always.”

He sighed. “You sure you can’t do anything about it?” He squeezed her hip, holding her to his side.

Jolts sparked down her side even while she shook her head. “I already tried it, remember?” Just another regret for the pile. “Didn’t go so well.”

“Worst week of my life.” He mumbled. “I hated that you were grounded like that.”

The black eye would have given it away.

“At least we have tonight.” Addison leaned in, breathing in the smell of leather and apple that clung to him. “All to ourselves. Safe and sound.” She felt her smile grow to match his as he snatched her hand, leading her through the halls with a whoop and a grin.

Everything feels okay with you.

“Hey,” he pulled her to a stop outside his car, and her smile faded at the way he watched her. “What’s up?”

“Huh?”

“You’re distracted.”

“Just...thinking.” She stretched up and pecked his lips. “About you, mostly.”

Please let it go.

He kept looking.

“It’s fine, I just…” she trailed off. “Bree got the wrong idea. About us.” She bit her lip. “I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you.”

Everything froze, then he started to smile, and her world righted itself again.“I think you’ll find I’m the lucky one,” he purred, nuzzling their noses together before cradling her face, breath ghosting over her face. “You’re sure you’re okay though?” He brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. “You seem a little…” he paused, frowning. “Worried.”

Don’t make me lie to you anymore.

“I’ll be fine.” She held his hand, letting him feel the truth of her words. “Better now that you’re here.”

I’m sorry. You’d never forgive yourself if I told you.

Under her shirt, unseen bruises all throbbed in unison, and the clock ticked down again.

[lavellane]

A-Z HEADCANONS // DUNCAN THEIRIN

i was tagged by @nordxz thanks so much tash !! i'm gonna answer this for duncan, my babey and the next gen son of alistair and ella cousland 😊😚😘

i snappped while answering these and accidentally wrote 6 pages and almost 4k words so uh. loooooong infodump ahead.

Alignment: What would be their D&D alignment? How might it come into play?

duncan very easily falls into the lawful neutral category, like i dont rly need to give his alignment too much thought unlike with some of my other ocs. duncan is.....hmm. hes a very KIND person, generous and selfless, and tries his best to make people happy, but i wouldn’t necessarily say he's good, considering a lot his issues lie with his inability to act, or stand up to others. he’s guilty of very blindly following the law, or other people's ideas of what's right, and he doesn't really feel confident enough to rely on his own conscience for most things. so i'd say while he tries to do the right thing and act within the law, sometimes he goes against his own values out of fear or confusion or, simply out of ignorance, since he was born into a life of privilege and can't always distinguish what's right and what’s believed ykno

Beverage: What do they most like to drink, and why?

duncan shares a weird trait with both his brother and sister where they all just inexplicably ?? don't like alcohol at all. so stuff like wine and liquors is off the table. he absolutely LOVES tea though. u know that one scene in scott pilgrim where the gal is going thru her list of like 72 teas? thats him 100%. it's his lifeblood at this point, he has SO much of it and a perk of being the heir to a monarchy means he's got a lot of foreign merchant acquaintances, so he tends to order in different blends from all over. he's a chronic insomniac, and he uses it as a crutch to get through the days some times. modern!duncan still loves tea but obviously has a stronger love for coffee, since its far more effective!

Co-Habitat: Do they live with anyone? What’s “need to know” before moving in?

duncan currently lives in the residential dorms of the college of enchanters, while he's sort of aimlessly studying a bunch of subjects he's already mostly adept at. firstly, duncan is VERY sick lol, he was conceived while ella and alistair still hadn't found the cure for the joining, and essentially he inherited both of their darkspawn taint so 🙂🙂🙂 thats always a good time. so anyone who lives with him needs to prepare for 1) him being sick obviously,, throwing up, coughing up blood, looking like a corpse virtually 23 hours of the day lol. and obviously the fear that one day he might actually die. but also 2) he suffers from grey warden nightmares for the same reasons, hence the insomnia. he can go a concerning number of days without sleeping and usually only takes strategic cat naps when he needs to, but obviously he has his limits. it's very rare that he goes a full night without waking up in a cold sweat due to nightmares so. we stan one depressed king ! oh he also is Incapable of locking the door to his apartment. he always forgets and hes too tired to care about people stealing his stuff fkdkdjdjd he would probably make more of an effort if he had someone living with him, but old habits die hard so !!!!!!

Decor: What kind of home do they keep? Are there any defining details?

honestly , duncan's house is very devoid of clutter or personal items in general, which is sad. he definitely would have a lot of decor if he could, but since his current housing is only temporary while he's in orlais, he doesn't really want to get... comfortable ykno. other than that, duncan's home is always kept impeccably neat and clean, for two reasons. firstly, growing up in denerim's palace really engrained into his head the importance of keeping up appearances, so its sort of a subconscious ritual of his at this point. but i think more importantly its because of all the nights when he cant sleep, so during the night with nothing to keep him from dwelling on his thoughts or nightmares, he really needs the distraction, and cleaning gives him something to do. duncan really needs to feel like he's doing something, like he's managing, like he's able to achieve something so cleaning is just one little way of taking ownership of his life.

Escape: What do they do to de-stress? How successful is it?

nsfw warning but uhhh..... he has a LOT of sex basically dkdkdksk u wouldn’t know it by looking at him tho ! bc hes very polite and nervous and kinda shy?? but hes also charming and obviously attractive so he doesnt really lack for interested parties. mainly he just sticks to one night stands, with no strings attached, and it helps him take his mind off things when hes exhausted or its late at night and hes afraid to go to sleep. otherwise he also has had some friends with benefits but usually his personal life is too complicated for a serious relationship. aside from that, he also reads a LOT, writes too – when he has the time/energy – and obviously cuddling sessions with his cat, moira dkdkdk

Fluff: What hits their soft spot? Does anything turn them into emotional goo?

so ik above i said that duncan doesnt do serious relationships but thats,, not through any will of his own. he LOVES love and is a complete hopeless romantic , but unfortunately for a number of reasons he's just very unlucky at love ! 😔 so having an emotional, intimate connection with someone that isnt just sex is super healing for him, since he's not used to it at all. being with nadaia is such a positive thing for him, just knowing that his feelings are reciprocated and that he's valued and wanted.

Grudge: How bad does an insult go over? Do they hold a grudge long?

i think it depends on who its directed at !! duncan usually ignores any insults directed at him because he's grown up being so scrutinized by the public and for the most part, fereldens are very weary of him so he hears A LOT. most of criticisms about him he just.. automatically accepts as fact and really buys into them, bc he has such low self esteem. but as for other people, and ESPECIALLY loved ones thats a very different story!! he's not exactly the type to start throwing punches if anyone says a bad word against someone he cares about, but he WILL personally see to it in his own sneaky way that they get whats coming to them dkdkkdjd usually he'll either find a way to expose their dirty laundry, embarrass them in public, prevent a promotion, something like that lol. this goes double if the insult is directed at nadaia or his family.

Hobby: What’s something they do for fun that might be surprising?

ive already mentioned that he's an avid reader and he likes to write occasionally, but he's also a talented musician! He can play harp and lute, and has a beautiful singing voice ! tho he never EVER sings in public and u have to be like,, a ride or die for him to even consider singing in front of u.

Insomnia: What’s their sleeping schedule like? Snorer? Sound sleeper?

well like i said he's an insomniac so sleep rly is a vague, barely recognised concept to him at the point dksksksk he also experiences sleep paralysis during especially bad nightmares, honestly he rly hit the misery jackpot and i feel so bad like hes indisputably my most tormented oc 🙃🙃🙃 so yea hehe doesnt really thrash around during nightmares but he sweats A LOT and sometimes talks in his sleep. during sleep paraylsis obviouslyy he goes COMPLETELY rigid and still which is terrifying for everyone involved lol. on the rare occasion that he is able to sleep he is out like a light lol he would sleep for 17 hours if he could. in saying that because he is also a Strategic Napper he is usually comfortable falling asleep ANYWHERE, because hes so tired comfort really isnt a concern lol.

Jaded: Do they buy into the “happily ever after” ideal? What’s their standard?

no he doesn't unfortunately 😔 or at least i should say he doesn't believe in it for himself - he's pretty convinced that he won't live til 30 and he's existing on borrowed time as it is, so he hasn't really put a lot of thought into his own happiness or the pursuit of his own goals because he doesn't believe he'll be around to see them realized

Kin: What’s their role among their relations? Do they consider others family?

duncan is the firstborn son of king!alistair and ella cousland, my canon warden. he's also the eldest brother to roslyn and bryce theirin. he's also, obviously , the half brother of keiran, tho none of the theirin kids are aware of that oof. his role, officially, is to become king when his parents eventually pass. its NOT something he wants, due to being so sick and unsure of himself. despite what his parents tell him, he doesnt believe he will make a good king and is really terrified of the notion in general, i guess a little like alistair was in dao. duncan kinda,,, avoids his duties, to the point where he literally LEAVES to live and study in orlais. he still does what he needs to do, keeps in correspondence with people he needs to, but its all bare minimum stuff because hes just. so afraid of it lol. he has a mostly good relationship with his family, despite that – theres some resentment between him and his sister, rose, but thats a whole entire story we dont have time for dkdkskdk

Law: What do they think about abiding rules? Are they selective about it?

like i said before he's pretty adherent to the rules and laws of society tho i do see that as more of a flaw than anything. he doesnt really feel comfortable stepping outside the norm and tends to accept that other people know best ! even if he disagrees he's usually too unsure of himself to speak up. that does change quite a bit once he and nadaia grow closer, since SHE is big on bending ridiculous or unjust rules, but he's always gonna be a bit of a follower i think 😒

Magic: In a magic series or not, are they accepting, or is each instance a shock?

he's accepting!! he's a mage so it would be wild of him if he didnt lmao. during his childhood/adolesence he was kinda harsh on himself and had a lot of internalized guilt for being a mage, bc this was obviously still fresh after the mage rebellions. he resented his own abilities and just wanted to be normal, but that was also him projecting a lot of his other problems as well. he had amazing teachers who helped him come to terms with his abilities, and the best of all was my inquisitor, ashara, who is kind of like a very distant, scary aunt who always had a soft spot for him. she helped him – and alistair and ella – RIGHT after they discovered he was a mage, and she was really the biggest role model in his life when it came to magic. duncan has always looked up to her skill and control and confidence, and tried very hard to match that.

Network: Are they connected to the people? How much do they reach out to others?

duncan has an ARMY of acquaintances and connections due to his family, but doesn't really have a lot of people he considers his close friends. he's super friendly and he gets along with most people, but like ive said before serious relationships including friendships are always a bit complicated for him bc of who he is as a person lol. as for reaching out, he's a very independent, introverted person and so he tends not to seek out other people unless he's close to them or has no other choice. he's very self conscious about being a burden on people or being to “needy" so he holds himself back and sometimes comes across as a little cold.

Offspring: What kind of parent would they be? Would they prefer one, or multiple?

he.... probably can't physically have kids unfortunately due to his condition, and as a result he's never really wanted to think too much about it, or imagine a scenario that he believes he cant have. but if it WERE a possibility, or if he felt stable in his own life enough to adopt, he'd probably be comfortable with just one child to completely spoil. he would be such a good father, albiet maybe not the coolest dad ddkdkdks i think nadaia would be the one who got up to the crazy shenanigans and let her child get away with everything, and duncan would be more of the nurturing, responsible one. he'd be a MASTER at telling bedtime stories, would kick ass at homework assistance, and would sing his kid to sleep every single night (until they got too old for it obviously). ooooo im so IMMENSELY emo abt this au now that i think about it

Pistol: Is this character skilled with a weapon? What’s their opinion of violence?

duncan is a very non-violent person, but he does believe that sometimes violence is necessary and will BE violent if he needs to – only in self defence scenarios though. he's an adept mage, and very skilled with a staff, but he isn't a fighter, really – more of a defensive, protective figure.

Question: How often do they feel doubt? What topics are they defensive about?

oh the doubt is constant with him 🙃🙃 he has a lot of deep routed dread about his own morality and whether or not he's a good person or if the maker will accept him when he dies. he's andrastian but TERRIFIED of the notion that its all actually real, bc then he doesnt know where that leaves him. he has this weird existential dichotomy where he doesnt know if hes closer resembling a grey warden or a darkspawn bc of his tainted blood. he also doubts his abilities and his magic bc he's afraid that the taint just,, makes him inherently a corrupted thing. he doubts himself on a more basic level with like, being a good brother, a good son, a good king when the time comes. he wants to be a good student and partner but sometimes his health makes him feel like he cant, and it weighs on him so heavily, almost all the time. basically he needs a hug so badly its not funny 😔😔😔

Reminder: How are they at remembering daily needs? What falls through the cracks?

uhh its very selective !!! for the most part he's very good at taking care of himself, mostly because he NEEDS to otherwise his health gets out of control, but sometimes he tends to prioritize one set of needs above another,, which usually means not sleeping (the most common), forgetting to eat, not letting his loved ones know when he's having a poor health day which usually results in him getting really sick and nobody is around to help him. he also forgets to do certain things like lock up his house, buy foodstuffs, reply to peoples letters n stuff like that.

Sing: Do they like music? Do they listen often/sing/hum/play songs in their head?

yes and yes !! duncan loves music altho its a very personal and private thing for him. he's pretty naturally gifted with music and gets it from ella, who taught him a lot of what he knows. he has a gorgeous singing voice (i kinda hc something similar to dan smith’s vocals from bastille!) that he rarely uses bc he only ever sings when he's alone or if he's forced to by a nosy loved one or something lol

Touch: How do they handle contact? Is their personal bubble big?

duncan doesn't mind being touched !!! in fact in most situations he welcomes it, as long as its like,,, appropriate and not some random stranger obviously. he grew up with ella and alistair who obviously are VERY affectionate people so he loves giving and receiving hugs from friends and he doesnt flinch or feel weird about just? random natural touches or anything. his ~love language~ is also physical touch so he LIVES for cuddling with nadaia and holding hands and anything like that. however !!! his little sister rose HATES being touched by virtually anybody and in any capacity, so he's very aware that not everybody is okay with touch, and is always careful and considerate of other peoples boundaries. he usually waits for the other person to make the first move, or simply asks them first !

Upcoming: How much do they think of the future? Do they make long-term plans?

he doesn't at all 😔 i mentioned this before but he doesn't see himself living very long, and its really impacted his outlook on life. he is afraid to commit to a lot of things, even if its something he really, truly wants, because he doesn't want to get his hopes up for things. it also keeps him from forging positive relationships. a lot of it has to do with him just being overly polite, but he refuses to make the first move with anything, or communicate what HE wants out of something. for example, his relationship with nadaia could have progressed so much faster if he had just,,, told her what he wanted. she had to make a lot of the first moves in the relationship because he just,, doesnt know how to take chances i guess !!! we love a Deeply Flawed king

Vice: What bad habits do they have? Is there something they would be ashamed of?

Some harmless ones are ; him talking to his cat constantly dkdskd also he has very poor time management skills so he's almost always a few minutes late, forgetting to lock his stuff up, and slouching, probably !!! some more serious ones would be like,, having sex with strangers as a coping mechanism lol, not speaking his mind and instead just letting himself be a doormat, also INTENSE avoidance of his problems (moving away to orlais for 9 years to avoid his fear of being king for example 🙃) tho i guess they fall under the same category oof.

Wardrobe: What’s their fashion style? Do they have any staple pieces?

duncan dresses nice, for the most part !!! again, it's mostly to do with growing up in court and having to keep up appearances, but also hes just. a nice bisexual boy who wants to take care of himself ykno, and that includes hygiene/clothing/grooming etc ! he's maybe a bit TOO reserved tho, he mostly wears dark colours like blacks, greys and brows, but hes been known to wears reds/blues/whites as well, and there’s a lot of subtle yet beautiful details on his more formal attire that might go unnoticed by a casual eye. a lot of his clothes are specifically tailored but he's also fond of big oversized sweaters for when hes just hanging out ! he's got a not great relationship with his body lol so he usually dresses very conservatively, with long sleeves and pants and usually more than one layer, but hes also a thot so !!! pants be TIGHT dksksksks

X-Ray: How’s their health? Any problem areas? Do they take care of themselves?

Djdjdksksndjddjkekdidksjs OKAY WELL if u have read this far than obviously u kno the answer to this question. if ur just skimming tho first of all ur valid ! second of all duncan is VERY sick. he was conceived when ella and alistair where still searching for the joining cur, so basically he inherited the darkspawn taint x 2 and nearly died a bunch of times as a baby/young child. obviously idk how the cure storyline is gonna resolve but my hc is that bc the darkspawn taint is something he was BORN with, not just something that happened to him via ritual, his body is much more impacted by it so even if they are able to find a cure, it wouldnt work THAT well and his health would still suffer bc of the prolonged damage. so physically, he deals with a LOT – intense migraines, insomnia, nausea, fatigue, problems with breathing and fevers and stuff. obviously mentally hes.... not doing great either, tho he’s trying his best. sometimes his insomnia gets so bad he starts hallucinating visions from his darkspawn nightmares, and sometimes he just feel paranoid in general that he's actually an Evil Darkspawn and hes just somehow managed to convince everyone hes a normal person – sort of a weird blend of imposter syndrome and body dysmorphia its. complicated. anyway he has very low self esteem and tends to think hes a huge inconvenience to everybody, and when he was a teenager he went thru a period where he was very suicidal, and ANGRY and afraid 😔 he’s doing better though, now that he has learnt how to manage most of his symptoms and he's not suffering in denerim court. nadaia is also a huge help, though he tries not to become too heavily reliant on her, since he's had bad experiences with depending too much on other people.

Yack: What’s their favorite thing to talk about? What do they go on about?

skskdkdk im already crying hehe 🙂 duncan is so introverted and self conscious of being “Too Much" for other people so he tends to keep his thoughts/interests to himself and stick w just. boring small tall or non invasive questions relating to the other person. BUT if u show an interest and he trusts u then oh boy. hes an absolute dork. he loves talking about magic and having really intense conversations abt the technical sides of it (he and dorian would get along SO well) but he also loves history !!!! before he began studying at the college of enchanters he received multiple ??? qualifications?? (idk if thats the right term but u kno) from the university of orlais, one of them being orlesian and ferelden history. also anything to do with the grey wardens, the blights and darkspawn for personal reasons obviously. He's a VERY good storyteller so he somehow finds a way to make even the dryest topics seem very compelling and Cool – varric would be proud !! he finds the orlesian Great Game fascinating, and he enjoys sharing wild anecdotes about the things he's seen asshole nobles get up to. thats always thrilling skdksksk ALSO. He has a secret interest in necromancy and the mortalitasi (its only a secret bc hes the heir and that wouldnt look ... great lol ) but he only ever really talks about that with nadaia, who finds that stuff almost as interesting as he does. also, finally, he loves talking about nadaia 😊😊😊😊 hes the type of guy who will always namedrop “my girlfriend" into any conversation, loves telling people about her accomplishments and how Cool she is ..... he loves her a Lot is what im getting at sksksks

Zodiac: What’s their astro sign? Does it fit? What would you pick, if it’s unknown?

duncan is a pisces babey like his mother !!! tho he could also be a virgo but,,, i think for now pisces works better for him. he's very smart and introspective and creative, but he has some issues with critical thoughts, avoidance and melancholy like ive mentioned. also pisces is a water element so i guess that makes even more sense, since hes an ice mage 👌👌👌

okay !!! im done !!! i cant believe i wrote all that but i guess if u didnt know abt duncan before, u absolutely do now dksksks im so sorry to anyone who actually read thru all of this, u really are braver than the troops

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG126 /o/

- We have definite confirmation that Martin and Michael Shelley worked at the same time at the Institute! Until now the dates weren’t clear regarding the Great Twisting attempt, and we only knew for sure that Michael was working at the Institute in September 2007 (since he interrupted Gertrude’s tape from MAG099). Martin has been working at the Institute at least since September 2009, since Jon reported that he had “vague recollections” about the statement-giver from MAG072. MAG126’s statement was given on 11 October 2009, and explicitly shortly before the Great Twisting… so! There was a window of time during which Michael and Martin were working at the Institute at the same time for sure!

- OBLIGATORY SOBBING ABOUT THE OBVIOUS PARALLEL, STARTING FROM THE TITLE (“SCULPTOR’S TOOL”):

(MAG126, Deborah Madaki) As soon as Gabriel spotted me, he hopped up and hurried over to me. He grabbed my hand in a firm, damp grip, and started to thank me. I was the best assistant he could have asked for, he said. He’d improved so much because of me. […] ARCHIVIST: […] I can’t find any evidence related to the condition of the body, but I can imagine what a sculptor’s apprentice might be capable of. Even an unwilling one. End recording. [CLICK.]

(MAG126) PETER: No. No. Can’t stand computers. Besides! That’s why I have an assistant, isn’t it? MARTIN: [SIGHS] Yeah. I guess so. [CLICK.]

THANKS, I HATE IT……………….. Martin………………. ;;

(Both for the fact that HUUUUUMMM, PETER? BACK OFF, HE’S NOT YOUR ASSISTANT… and about the concept of an “assistant” causing harm without even being aware of it…)

- There is something deeply satisfying and disturbing about the fact that… Martin is in all but name replacing Elias as Head Director of the Magnus Institute? If the clock ticking is any indication, the scene with Peter took place in Elias’s office; it’s where Martin is working nowadays; it’s where Martin is doing admin work and taking care of the Institute’s spreadsheets. And if we know One (1) Thing for sure about Elias, it’s that:

(MAG103) ARCHIVIST: […] and it’s Wednesday afternoon, when he does his scheduling. So I’m… hoping he’s distracted. … He, er… He loves scheduling. DAISY: … Rrrright.

Martin’s affiliation with the entities always felt like a pick between Web (loving spiders, relishing in control, web metaphors, the fact that spiders are swarming the Institute, that Martin is this person you barely notice, and that The Web has plans regarding Jon), Lonely (family situation and unrequited crush, always a bit of an outcast due to Jon’s dry comments in season 1, his fundamental lie about his degree preventing him from being known, and overall his trouble connecting, the fact that he never had Tim’s charisma nor Sasha’s wit, that Daisy+Basira and Basira+Melanie quickly formed as pairs leaving him mostly on the side… even before Peter swooped in) and Beholding (by nature, as someone who worked at the Magnus Institute for the longest out of the entire cast except for Elias, and even more as an archival assistant; and because he was the only one who began to read statements after Jon went on the run, and because he has often had glimpses of intuition and has been getting chattier with the tape recorders). There has been room for questions about his theorical functions as a Beholding agent, though, I feel? Because we… have options. Was Martin supposed to be (or did he slowly turn into) a back-up Archivist, since he was the one who handled most of the statements-reading when Elias wanted the assistants to keep going with the Beholding-feeding that activity (MAG098, Martin: “I mean, [Elias] kind of explained. I think? Jon’s ‘too inconsistent’ at the moment. He needs to make up for the shortfall. Which, I guess means me.”)? The archive team was aware of the possibility, since they used it against Elias to make him rationalise that it was in his best interest to have Martin staying back while the others would go to The Unknowing:

(MAG116) ARCHIVIST: [SIGHS] What about Martin? […] He should stay behind. MARTIN: What?! ELIAS: Really. MARTIN: […] No, no, I can help, I’ve been reading the statements! ELIAS: … quite right, er, probably best he does stay behind. BASIRA: What, so you have a backup if Jon doesn’t make it? ELIAS: I’m sure that won’t be necessary.

Something else that has happened a few times is also… unclear – spooky intuitions? Power Of Love? Martin has sometimes just… had inexplicable feelings that turned out to be true. The concept of it sounds a lot like Jon’s “insights”, a sudden knowledge that is just there, skipping any reasoning?

(MAG088) MARTIN: Yeah… Sorry, just a lot of change recently, y’know. You and Jon and Sasha and… everything’s gone a bit wrong. It’s the not knowing, you know? I mean, Jon’s still alive. Not sure why, but I’m sure of that. But Sasha, I…

(MAG117) MARTIN: […] I know, I know, I’m not gonna die, I’m not even going to be on the incredibly dangerous mission. Me and Melanie, well… Well, I don't think “death” is really the worry, it’s just… [SIGHS] It feels like an ending? Or… something. Like nothing can go back to normal after this.

(And he was also the one to find Gertrude’s notebook in MAG113. And Gertrude’s body in MAG039-040. And The Hill Top Road statement from MAG114.)

On the other hand, Martin was quite clearly installed as Elias’s foil at the end of season 3: the plan to take down Elias was referred to as Martin’s plan, Martin was the one to remind the others to stick to it, and he was the one to confront Elias (in MAG118) and to lead the police officer to him (MAG120). It’s mostly thanks to Martin that they more or less behaved as one, at least when it came to neutralising Elias? What Jon referred to “Elias’s new management style” (MAG099) was an utter disaster made of pain, anger and resentment, mostly managing to get the assistants united against him, whereas Martin gave the feeling of succeeding precisely where Elias had failed. I don’t know, I always got the vibe that if anyone were to replace Elias at some point, it would be Martin? (Much to Elias’s horror, probably.) (At the same time: not very clever, Elias, to insist so much on the idea that you’re ~the beating heart of the Institute~. Could give people bad ideas about how, uh, maybe they only to keep your heart pumping in order to not die, and not the rest of you.)

Anyway, I find it extra-interesting that Martin is currently assuming his functions, without being officially the Head Director – Peter being supposedly the interim.

(I hope that Elias is seething about Martin doing his precious scheduling :w If there is any consolation with current events, it’s that Elias is still rotting in jail in the meantime.)

- Peter, though. You lazy ass.

(MAG120) PETER: Oh! Right, of course! Well, you’ve successfully managed to remove Elias as the Head of the Magnus Institute. So… MARTIN: Oh. Oh, God, what does that do? PETER: Oh! No, no no no! No. Not in any, hum, metaphysical sense, no, he’s still very much the… how did he insist on phrasing it… Ah yes, the “beating heart of the Institute”. But, practically speaking, he can hardly fulfil his more mundane managerial duties from a jail cell.

You were supposed to replace Elias for his “mundane managerial duties”, not foist it off on your newfound ~assistant~.

- … Okay, so, assuming Peter is not only Absolutely Bullshitting, he… needs Martin for a specific reason. Something that apparently an avatar of the Lonely can’t do himself…?

(MAG126) PETER: You talked to him. MARTIN: I… I, I tried not to, I–I, I didn’t mean to… PETER: You talked to him. And that’s understandable, Martin, of course it is! Please don’t think I’m upset, it’s just… not ideal. Shows how much work we still have ahead of us. […] I had hoped that all this time apart would have given you the space you needed, but… MARTIN: … You said he’d probably never wake up. PETER: And he beat the odds. Which is good. But it does make things more complicated. It doesn’t… actually change… anything. MARTIN: A–a simple “hello” isn’t going to make any difference to– PETER: We’ve been over this. The sort of power you’re going to need relies on your– MARTIN: [SULKY] Obedience. PETER: Isolation. It needs to be you, Martin. You’re the only one who could possibly balance between the two.

“The two” are most likely to be Beholding and Lonely here, I’m guessing (since Peter is apparently training him with the latter and Martin is supposed to be tied to the former already given his position in the archives), but I still hope that there is some room for the Web to get back to Martin? ;; That one suits him aND IS A BIT LESS SAD THAN THE CONCEPT OF MARTIN GETTING INVOLVED WITH THE POWER OF LONELINESS GDI!!!

What is the deal with Martin, though? Is he aggressively normal, or is there indeed something intrinsically special about him? Getting back to the Lonely: Elias pretty clearly sent Peter after Martin in MAG108, according to Peter, as if… his being one of the Archival assistants wasn’t the most valuable thing about Martin?

(MAG108) PETER: Martin, isn’t it? […] That… that would seem wildly out of character, from what I’ve been told. MARTIN: Okay, but okay, step back. PETER: Please, Martin. I’m not gonna hurt you. I just thought we might have a chat! Alone. MARTIN: Oh. You’re… one of them, aren’t you. A… a Lukas. PETER: Yes, that’s– Peter. Pleased to meet you. Now, how did you know that? MARTIN: I, I was just reading? Jon left some notes, and… PETER: Ah, I see. I’m sorry to have disturbed you. It’s one of Elias’s little jokes. MARTIN: I don– What? PETER: Did he suggest you record a statement today? One that mentioned me? MARTIN: … yeah? Sssort of? I mean… not you specifically, but… PETER: I have a meeting with him today. He suggested… I’m sure he’s watching from his office, grinning from ear to ear. MARTIN: I… don’t… PETER: I almost thought he genuinely wanted me to meet the team! Oh well. MARTIN: I’m really sorry, I… I don’t actually…

“I almost thought he genuinely wanted me to meet the team!” => implying Martin’s relevance is not tied to him being a member of said team…? Was ~Elias’s joke~ about getting one of the assistants to read a statement about the Lonely/Peter when he would visit, or the fact that it was specifically Martin who made the reading…? I lovelovelove the fantheory that Martin could be tied to the Lukas family through his father; we… had the example of Evan, who apparently tried to get away from the family; we know it ended badly; we also know that Gerry wasn’t too surprised when Jon highlighted the possibility of the family turning against one black sheep (MAG111: “And I imagine they’re not… reluctant to remove any members that might put that legacy at risk.”), as if… it was far from being the first time it had happened; aND given that Martin apparently looks like a carbon copy of his father… anybody who had met said father would be able to tell right away that Martin is closely related to him?

(MAG118) ELIAS: […] How old were you when your father left? Eight? Nine? When you mother began to sicken and he decided he was done with you both. Not old enough to remember him with any great clarity, especially when your mother refused to keep any pictures of him. She never recovered from that betrayal. He just tore her heart right out!, and took it with him. The thing is, though, Martin: if you ever do want to know exactly what your father looked like… all you have to do, is look in a mirror~

It’s mostly back-tracked reasoning but: if Martin’s dad were to be a Lukas, yeah, of friggin’ course Elias would have flaunted it to Peter’s face by sending him to meet Martin doing archival work downstairs.

(Aaaand it could also give Peter another reason to not show his face to anybody in the Institute, ie people who know Martin, if they actually have a family resemblance? I’m still wondering why Peter hasn't appeared in front of other people while Carlita (MAG033) and Michael (MAG102) had been able to see him without any problem. Is that because of the Institute itself? Is there something wrong with Peter when he’s too far from the Tundra?)

- But right now, at the very least, Martin is

(MAG126) MARTIN: […] You missed him, didn’t you. … Yeah. … [VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION] Yeah, me too. PETER: Which isn’t a great sign, if I’m being completely honest. MARTIN: [SURPRISED GASP] [EXALES] PETER: You talked to him. MARTIN: I… I, I tried not to, I–I, I didn’t mean to… PETER: You talked to him. And that’s understandable, Martin, of course it is! […] I had hoped that all this time apart would have given you the space you needed, but… MARTIN: … You said he’d probably never wake up.

literally Too Gay for the Lonely, pass it on. (But does it count as Functional or Disaster, at this point.) (Aside: ;; Confirmed that Martin apparently signed in in whatever he’s currently doing… to Protect, overall, and not only Jon. Which good. But also awfully sad ;;)

- WORRIEDANYWAY.JPG since…… according to Gerry, the Lukases are awfully good at grooming people.

(MAG111) GERARD: Well, Fairchild’s just a name, they’re not really family. The Lukases, though, yeah. Thing is, it’s harder than it looks. What’s out there… doesn’t care about blood. […] But they care about your choices, your fears, not your parents. Families are just useful ‘cause they can push you in the right direction. And the Lukases are very good at that.

MARTIN ;___;

- Adelard Dekker is back into focus! There’s quite an interesting split between Jon’s investigations and Peter&Martin’s: on one hand, Peter namedropped him and made it explicit that he was following his lead. On the other hand, Jon has been focusing on the notebook found in Gertrude’s storage unit (MAG126: “I remembered Gertrude’s notebook; we found it alongside the plastic explosives”), which is also where he had found Adelard’s written statement about Justin Gough (MAG113: “This was found tucked into a hard case containing… many blocks of plastic explosive, kept by Gertrude Robinson in a storage unit that I can only assume has… extremely lax oversight.”). Jon was close and yet… was sent in another direction entirely? Towards the past and how Gertrude had come up with her counter-rituals? Could still be a valuable example for next threats, but still: Jon was sent towards the past, while Martin&Peter are actively working ~towards the future~. It’s a bit worrisome that they’re physically close and yet… not managing to meet in so many ways, and actively drifting further away. (Gdi Peter.)

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: It… it’s borderline incomprehensible, not because of any code or cypher – there’s every chance I could read those; just simply because… most of it is… numbers or fragments of sentences that would no doubt mean something to her, but… well, not to me. I’ve been staring at it for hours, in the hope something from it would just… come to me. And it worked well enough to point me towards this statement, which is… useful background, and perhaps gives some insight into how Gertrude formulated her counter-rituals, but… not much more.

………………. I love that Jonathan smartass Sims assumes that yeah!! Secret codes would be sooo easy to uncover, of course he would be able to do, through natural or spooky ability. But his worst nightmares are personal notes and abbreviations. Must have sucked when he was at uni, huh. I wonder if Jon is missing a point, here (though I would read the same conclusions as him: the statement describes how Gertrude learned where the Great Twisting would happen and some key elements that would get involved; “Gabriel” even accidentally revealed how to neutralize his friend, and this is what Gertrude used against them), or if his powers/Beholding is being purposely or accidentally unhelpful? Is that all that the notebook contained, or just a fragment of it? Did Beholding throw him a bone to avoid Jon focusing on current events, or was it to satisfy his curiosity, or was it because Jon sucked and was himself accidentally focusing on parts regarding The Spiral without realizing it? We know that Gertrude apparently tended to keep files regarding the rituals together (since Elias had gotten his hands on those, and accidentally sent a few about The Buried and The Spiral to Jon when… he was supposedly trying to get him to work on The Stranger), so there could be more in the notebook… (Or not at all, and she kept information about Beholding elsewhere, or only… trusted her mind for those.)

- With Peter (and Martin) focusing on Adelard’s research… seems that he was right about his suspicions, or at least that Peter shares his beliefs? There is probably much more trickery than what Peter is willing to tell, but I doubt that everything would just be an elaborate ploy to keep Martin occupied / separated from Jon – it would sound like… a lot of efforts for almost nothing?

(MAG113, Adelard Dekker) I was pursuing my researches into the new emergence I mentioned earlier. I know you are dismissive of the possibility, but if I’m right, the sudden urgency of these “immediate dangers” you are so focused on could very well be a direct result. But that’s for another day, as this particular instance turned out to be unconnected.

Jon admitted that he had “no idea what else Dekker was alluding to” and that it sounded like something outside of the categories that Gerry had described to him. I’m still a bit cautious about jumping on the 15th Fear theory bandwagon, since I don’t want to close the possibility that it could be something else entirely but… but it would make much sense? Thematically, Gerry had precisely explained that the Fears can shift:

(MAG111) ARCHIVIST: Fears change. Fears are– are are cultural. GERARD: A lot of them, yeah, but others are deeper than that. And when our fears change, so do these things. But it’s not quick. Gertrude reckons they’ve basically been the same since the Industrial Revolution. She and my mum both liked to follow Smirke’s list of fourteen. […] I think [The Flesh]’s quite new. Only just beginning its, uh, ascendance when Smirke labelled it.

Before that, we wouldn’t have been able to know that the Fears could even evolve; since the concept was introduced, it’s probably meant to be useful to ascertain the present situation? The Smirke system had been in place since the emergence of The Flesh and a lot of knowledgeable people (Gertrude, Gerry, partially Leitner) based their expertise on it. Now, let’s picture a new Fear emerging, without… anything in place ready to contain nor restrain it? Nothing to “balance” it? We know that the different Fears have been trying to launch their rituals in a tight timeframe (MAG111, Gerry: “[Gertrude] worked out they’d all be happening quite close together. She’d already been doing it a while. And the Unknowing was the next on her list. That and the Watcher’s Crown.”); is that how it usually happens, through the cycles, or… were they actually panicking and hurrying to set off their own ceremonies before the new Fear could take over? ;; It would also show how… weak the Smirke system would be, since it would have more or less worked for barely two centuries – “less” rather than “more”, probably, but we can’t really know how much worse stuff would have been without it, can we? And our resident Smirke expert is resting in fucking pieces, after having spit out his delusions about the guy… (Tangent but: now, I’m thinking about Basira, who… has been studying a bit about John Flamsteed, and noticed the pattern in The Dark’s activities in relation to Halley’s Comet? If a new Fear was emerging, and if they needed to implement a new system or something… I wonder if Basira wouldn’t be meant to become the new architect of our time…)

- Also. Dekker’s description of the victims.

(MAG113, Adelard Dekker) […] From the look on their faces I could tell two things. It had hurt. And they had never woken up. You see why I thought this might be related? Well, hoped more than thought, maybe. The manmade nature of it seemed like a potential link, but it had few of the other hallmarks. Still, I thought it was worth following up on.

I have no idea what his new Threat was about but. It’s. It’s a bit reminiscent of Jon-during-his-coma, actually? Jon, who was dreaming (and hurt and hurting in his dreams); Jon, who Peter told Martin that he might never wake up…?

- There was definitely a problem regarding Adelard’s statements in the Archives, whether it was due to Gertrude messing up with the files or to someone else meddling with them. When Jon listened to Gertrude’s tape of Lucy Cooper (MAG077), which was labelled “Changeling / Imposter”, Gertrude had explicitly mentioned a statement given by Adelard himself (whether in written or audio form):

(MAG077) GERTRUDE: Based on the interactions and effects, I suspect this to be the creature that Adelard Dekker refers to as the “NotThem” in statement 9910607.

But following her directions in MAG078, Jon had noticed that he hadn’t found the right statement: the date was posterior to the one Gertrude was alluding to (presumably given on 6 February-or-July 1991 according to that number case), given on 12 June 2001; and it wasn’t a statement by Adelard but by one Lawrence Moore, mentioning him:

(MAG078) ARCHIVIST: I found this in the folder marked 9910602, where Gertrude’s tape had indicated I would find the statement of Dekker himself.

We’re still missing Adelard’s old statement from 1991. Given that Peter said that he had “unearthed a few of Dekker’s old statements”, I wonder if it included that one? Even though according to Gertrude, it was related to the Not!Them, which sounds like an old matter.

…………. Unless we were very wrong to assume that it was an agent from The Stranger, and it was actually something entirely different? Not!Sasha taunted Jon about wearing his skin, mentioned that she was spying in the Institute for her “friends”, name-dropped the Unknowing, sounded very much like The Stranger in its effect (I-Do-Not-Know-You). But. But.

(MAG077) GERTRUDE: […] Unfortunately for Ms. Cooper’s attempts to convince her father, it appears George Cooper died of carbon monoxide poisoning from a gas leak two days after this statement was recorded, before her next visit. […] Personally, I suspect [the NotThem] to be an aspect of The Stranger, though that’s entirely conjecture at this point. […] What puzzles me more is why one or two people can always see through it. The sheer power that it must be able to call upon to be able to rewrite so much of reality, seemingly as a reflex, is staggering. So why does it always miss a few witnesses?

“died of carbon monoxide poisoning” was exactly the (apparent) causes of death from MAG113’s statement, and one of the elements Adelard specifically named that made him think that the cases could be related to the new emergence. It’s a very specific cause of death…?

Overall, I’m so glad that we’re meant to hear more about Adelard Dekker!! He was one of the mystery figures I was the most curious about and there is something very uncanny in thinking that he had revolved around Gertrude for (at least) around a quarter of a century when she passed away. How do you know Gertrude for this long without meeting a gruesome fate? + It was the same year that Elias began working in the Institute, according to his “official” backstory. The nineties are packed with quite a lot of deal-breaking events? Elias beginning to work in Artefact Storage and becoming Head Director five years later; the destruction of Leitner’s library; Jon's encounter with “A Guest For Mister Spider; Martin’s father abandoning him and his mother… (As a fellow millennial, it just makes me !!! every time the nineties are mentioned, don’t mind me.) ………….. at the same time, Oliver was one of the Mystery Figures I was the most curious about, too, and look what was revealed in MAG121. That doesn’t bode well for Adelard’s current state, if he’s even still alive at this point.

- Peter is absolutely Terrifying. All affable, all rational! All logical! All accepting! All indulgent!

(MAG126) PETER: You talked to him. And that’s understandable, Martin, of course it is! Please don’t think I’m upset, it’s just… not ideal. Shows how much work we still have ahead of us. […] I had hoped that all this time apart would have given you the space you needed, but… MARTIN: … You said he’d probably never wake up. PETER: And he beat the odds. Which is good. But it does make things more complicated. It doesn’t… actually change… anything. […] You’re the only one who could possibly balance between the two. MARTIN: But if I could just explain– PETER: And how do you think Jon’s going to react, to that explanation? Hm? Do you think he’ll accept it calmly? Come through with a well-considered, rational response– MARTIN: That’s not fair– PETER: –or would he assume he knows better than you and do something rash? MARTIN: … I don’t like being manipulated. PETER: That’s fair. But I’m not wrong. MARTIN: … No. PETER: Martin… this isn’t how any of us wanted it to go. But here we are, and if we don’t pull this off, it’s over for everyone. Jon included. […] So it’s down to us. You and me. The dynamic duo. MARTIN: And so what, that means I have to trust you?! PETER: That would make things a lot simpler. […] Anyway, I’m very excited to see this rota you’ve put together.

1°) That textbook manipulation about how ~Martin is conveniently the only one able to help~! How ~of course it’s only logical that he can’t tell anyone about what he’s currently doing~! How ~he must avoid contact with the others to get more powerful~! How ~they don’t have much time~! How ~Martin has to trust Peter~! How ~they’re the only one who understand was is truly happening~! How ~Martin will save everyone if he follows Peter’s lead~! PETER WAS EVEN CALLING JON “JON” AT THE BEGINNING, WHEREAS IT WAS BACK TO “YOUR ARCHIVIST” WHEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT HIM. THAT SUGARCOATING / TRYING TO SOUND MORE BENEVOLENT AND HUMAN IN FRONT OF MARTIN WASN’T EVEN TRYING TO BE SUBTLE…………. And I’m glad and I hate that Martin clearly saw through it, but that… there might be enough slivers of Truth for him to go along with it anyway, because the situation is really (genuinely, objectively) bad. There is most likely a catch, I don’t think that Martin is doubting that one second (even if the current plan doesn’t involve nice things for him anyway). Won’t guarantee that he’ll mitigate the damage when the time come ;; We’ve had examples of both ignorance nor knowledge being no help.

2°) SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH I’m having so many feelings over Martin’s “… I don’t like being manipulated.” said to a friggin’ agent of the Lonely, in Elias’s office. Martin’s been through some shit, okay.

3°) GGGGG at how snappy and Having None Of Peter’s Bullshit Martin was being (… while going along with it at the same time ;;). Peter Was Not Allowed To Trash Jon About His (Poor) Archival Skills, uh. (Peter relenting when Martin snapped that stern “Peter.”!!! Gods, Martin. Martin…)

- Regarding Peter and his distaste of technology/modern things…?

(MAG033, Carlita Sloane) Most modern container ships have a lifeboat that looks more like a lumpy orange blob than a boat. They’re designed to be quickly and safely dropped into the water and tough out whatever conditions the sea might throw at them. But this was an old-fashioned boat, with oars and a winch mechanism for lowering it into the water.

(MAG126) PETER: Anyway, I’m very excited to see this rota you’ve put together. Never had much of a gift for– MARTIN: Okay. PETER: –administration myself; too many variables. Now, this box on the left, that’s the library stuff, yes? MARTIN: What? N–n–no, th–th–that’s, no, those are the dates, I– … Look, are you sure you don’t want me to teach you? It’s, it’s a very simple program– PETER: No. No. Can’t stand computers. Besides! That’s why I have an assistant, isn’t it?

Is it a Peter thing, or a Lukas thing? (At the very least: doesn’t sound like he’s wary of computers for spooky reasons, since he probably wouldn’t be very keen on Martin using one right in front of him if it was the case…?) (I’m laughing so much at how casually he shot down Martin’s offer. Just. Noped the fuck out without even trying to be polite about it.)

- Peter has never namedropped the L(onely) word in any of his appearances, and…

(MAG111) ARCHIVIST: Isolation. GERARD: Smirke called it The Lonely. The feeling that you’re just… alone. Maybe there’s no-one else there at all, maybe you just can’t connect.

(MAG126) PETER: We’ve been over this. The sort of power you’re going to need relies on your– MARTIN: [SULKY] Obedience. PETER: Isolation.

I wonder if actually, “Isolation” mightn’t be more the Lukases’s favourite word to describe the concept of their god, but everyone just peskily keeps using other words to piss them off.

- A few things around Elias.

(MAG126) MARTIN: Yeah. You said. … But if things are really so urgent, then why didn’t Elias say anything? PETER: [LAUGHS] Because, behind all his bluster, Elias’s just like all the rest. He’s so preoccupied playing the game he doesn’t pay attention to the big picture. He managed to convince himself that he could get his ritual off first, which would have made all of this a… bit moot, but that’s not really an option anymore. So it’s down to us. You and me. The dynamic duo.

1°) I’m still laughing so much about the fact that Elias isn’t there, yet is mentioned so much, and casually dissed here and there. No respect for him. A few Nice Things.

2°) Technically, Peter didn’t say outright that Elias’s ceremony was The Watcher’s Crown. I mean, I don’t have any doubt after MAG120 that Elias is truly Beholding-aligned (he sucked so bad until then that… I was harbouring doubts before. But after MAG120, okay. No, he’s Dedicated to the Big Eyeball.), but it’s interesting that Peter didn’t use the name of the ritual here.

3°) ……………. Yeah, so Elias knows about the New Thing. Peter and Martin ~agreed~ that they wouldn’t tell Jon… so there is still someone who could give Jon some information about this, uh. (BAD. BAAAAD.)

- So, ~Elias’s ritual~ would have prevented the New Thing from doing whatever it’s threatening to do, according to Peter… but “that’s not really an option anymore”? Uh, why? It would sound a bit weird that the reason would be because of Elias being in jail (because… he didn’t even try to flee from being arrested? And we know there are other Beholding-related institutions around the world? And the Lukases didn’t even try to shield Elias from the charges?), so… is there a problem elsewhere preventing the ceremony? Is it because of Jon? Because of Jon’s unwillingness or… or is there actually something wrong with Jon as an Archivist? We know that the spiders have plans involving him (Oliver made it clear) and there was this part:

(MAG126) MARTIN: But if I could just explain– PETER: And how do you think Jon’s going to react, to that explanation? Hm? Do you think he’ll accept it calmly? Come through with a well-considered, rational response– MARTIN: That’s not fair– PETER: –or would he assume he knows better than you and do something rash?

… which makes me wonder if it wouldn’t be only a matter of Jon trying to fix an exterior situation, but something intrinsically involving him? Because Martin had seen Jon try to open up and trust the assistants towards the end of season 3! Jon’s behaviour on the matter basically changed after his kidnapping by Nikola: he was keener to explain and to rely on them, afterwards. True, Martin is not currently there to witness s4!Jon following the decision he had made about trusting the assistants (immediately going to talk to Basira about Melanie’s bullet; going along with Basira’s judgement that they shouldn’t try to talk to Melanie; not trying to compulse anyone), but he should know that Jon was doing better already in that regard…? So I’m really wondering if the New Problem… isn’t tied to Jon himself somehow (to Jon not being dead, overall), hence the fact that Martin accepted that they shouldn’t talk to him about it, and Peter’s comment about how Jon being awake is not changing anything, and how Martin “won’t want to” talk to him about it once it’s over? (;; Just like Jon and Basira did to Melanie, uh…) (Overall: “When all this is over, I’m telling him everything, with or without your permission.” “Martin… when it’s over, you won’t want to.” => is it more telling about Jon’s and the others’ situation at the end of it, or about Martin’s? At least it implies that Martin is not supposed to die from whatever he’s doing, but that’s not reassuring either.)

- Given that the statement began with Jon flipping through papers and clearly hissing in pain briefly at some point, I’m assuming that the injury from last episode was probably on his hand? (But Which Hand, is the question. Is he now injured on both, or did he get stabbed on the 10-months-old burn.)

- !!! Glad to know that Jon remembered to go back to Gertrude’s notebook that he had found (… that MARTIN had found) back in MAG113!!! Yay!!! … Sad to know that uh, it apparently contained… old information. As Jon pointed out (“The “Worker in Clay”… that’s what Michael called him in his statement. A “Great Twisting”, that Gertrude stopped at the cost of a single life.”) we got a demonstration of how Gertrude had understood how to neutralise one of the rituals, The Spiral’s in this case:

(MAG126, Deborah Madaki) The structure he held in his hands made my eyes hurt. Thin, sharp lines angling off from each other in an incredibly intricate arrangement – although they never seemed to actually connect with each other. It shifted, just like the other one, and I felt something jabbing at my skull like a migraine. Finally the lines seemed to resolve into a clear shape. A door. “Perfect!” Gabriel told me. “It looks just like him.” I asked him if it was supposed to be a face and he told me yes. It was a good friend of his. I asked him who, and he said they didn’t have a name. I told him everyone has a name, and he said his friend wasn’t like us; that having a name would only confuse them. My head was pounding. […] I got a letter, a week ago. It was from Gabriel. It said that he had found a new job, and he’d love it if I came up to assist him again. He’s working in a place called Sannikov Land. I’ve looked it up. It doesn’t exist. And it sounds cold. I don’t think I should go. I’m not going to go.

(MAG101) “MICHAEL”: And it was me they sought to stop. Me and the others of It-Is-Not-What-It-Is. Our Great Twisting. The-Worker-of-Clay had laboured for decades on that contorted, impossible edifice of doors… and stairs… and falsehoods… and smiles. A thousand staring morsels stood, and not one of them believed themselves sane to look upon it. And in the centre, the door that would open to all the places that were never there, was me. […] Even sharper than the joy of becoming is the agony of being opened and remade. To have your who torn bloody from your what, and another crudely lashed into its place. To become Michael. And to do so at such a crucial point in our Twisting, in our becoming, well of course it destroyed it. The impossible altar collapsed. The-Worker-of-Clay tore out his veins to dissolve himself in crimson mud. The others of us were cast to all the places that aren’t; some have still not found their way out again.

Gertrude got the confirmation that the ritual was coming close, what would be its point of focus (the door) and its localisation. She also got, from “Gabriel”’s comment, its weakness: giving the Distortion a name and an identity:

(MAG047) ARCHIVIST: … You’re him. “MICHAEL”: Yes. ARCHIVIST: Michael. “MICHAEL”: That is a real name. […] ARCHIVIST: Who the hell are you?! “MICHAEL”: I am not a “who”, Archivist; I am a “what”. A “who” requires a degree of identity I can’t even retain. ARCHIVIST: S… So… “Michael” isn’t your real name? Wha… “MICHAEL”: There is no such thing as a real name. ARCHIVIST: What are you talking about?! “MICHAEL”: I am talking about myself. It’s not something I’m used to doing, so I’m sorry if I’m not very good at it.

I’m still wondering if there is something behind the map she had given to Michael: where did she find it and/or how did she manage to draw it? Helen could draw one, but that’s because she (as the ~Wanderer~) went beyond the doors and managed to get out before “Michael” came back after her. Did someone manage to come out from The Distortion before, when it was even more chaotic? Or did Gertrude actually get it from Deborah Madaki herself, reconstituting it from what Deborah could remember of the sculptures made by “Gabriel”? (Or did… someone else give the map to Gertrude?)

- I’m sobbing and hurt at Jon… drawing parallels between Gertrude and him ;___;

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: […] A “Great Twisting”, that Gertrude stopped at the cost of a single life. … I thought… moving away from my humanity would have made that seem more acceptable. That sort of sacrifice… but it just makes me sad… … I remembered Gertrude’s notebook; we found it alongside the plastic explosives, but it rather got lost amongst the business of… [SIGHS] saving the world at the cost of two lives…

Tim and (officially) Daisy’s deaths weren’t… at all… similar to what happened to Michael Shelley; Tim wanted to go, Daisy is a bit more ambiguous given how roped into it by Elias she had been (but she at least sounded exceptionally eager at the prospect of using explosives to blow something up). Tim insisted on going even though nobody wanted him to. It was Tim’s choice. Tim didn’t do it for Jon but for his own revenge, for his own feelings! He might have got back a bit of his freedom and agency that way! It was different!! But the fact that Jon, right now, is equating the two a little… is not wrong either (while very wrong at the same time); in the end, the Archivist witnessed and survived, while… people died.

My heart is also breaking at how Jon… has grown to accept that he’s been technically losing his humanity? It was something he feared, something he suspected; and towards the end of season 3, something he had to learn to deal with (seeking anchors to prevent him from slipping too much). But it’s really not going as envisioned or feared, precisely? So far, it’s mostly making Jon sound like a sweeter bean who is a bit lost because Too Many Feelings; it’s making him more aware of what he is losing and what he could risk losing further…

- STOP MAKING MY HEART CRY, JON, GDI???

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: […] I’ve been… trying to check on Melanie’s condition. She refuses to see me – understandably, I–I suppose, and Basira has been looking after her. [SIGHS] It hurts, of course, but… [SIGHS] I really hope getting that bullet out of her helps. At least… stops it from getting any worse. I can’t have been too late again.

;; There are so many things that hurt, gdi??? The fact that he understands Melanie’s stance towards him, the fact that it hurts him, the fact that he feels that he’s been “too late” for other things in the past?? (Sasha being attacked by the Not!Them? Tim’s self-destructive spiral? Basira and Daisy getting coerced by Elias? Melanie getting trapped in the Institute? Martin’s current association with Peter?) I’m a bit surprised that Basira is apparently taking care of Melanie; I would have assumed Melanie would have been extremely cross at her, too…? (;; I hope they’re not lying to Melanie and pretending that Jon acted on his own and Basira tried to stop him, or something, because… the truth coming out at a later point could make the situation even more explosive.)

- The difference between Jon’s and Martin’s respective treatments of the tape recorders is… jarring.

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: [DRY EXHALE] There was a tape recorder waiting for me when I sat down. They’re not even hiding it anymore. There weren’t any tapes from when I was… away – I checked. Whatever they are, they are here for me. I suppose I should be worried, but I have so much to keep watch over. So I’ve decided to let the tapes run. They’ve… proved useful before, so… [TINY CHUCKLE]

MARTIN: Oh. Hello. Haven’t seen you in a while. [TYPING] … Really? I mean, it’s just admin. It’s not exactly thrilling listening. … Alright, fine. Whatever. You do you. Spool away, I guess. Just, you know, let me know if you need some more batteries or something. [TYPING] … It’s because he’s back, isn’t it. [SIGHS] He’s back, so now you’re going to be… around, again. Listening in. Mff. You missed him, didn’t you. … Yeah. … [VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION] Yeah, me too.

1°) Jon talks about them in front of them in third person (rude! =D) and describes them in terms of usefulness. Martin pours out his soul to them, addresses them directly, offers them BATTERIES IF THEY NEED………, and finds things they have in common (the fact they both missed Jon), absolutely humanizing them. … did they actually go spy on Martin because Jon was so casually mean to them, and at least someone in the Institute would treat them right?

2°) Same as Elias, Peter doesn’t seem to mind them – he didn’t acknowledge the tape recorder, but he heard Martin’s last sentence (at the very least) so was probably aware that Martin was talking to it?

3°) Not absolutely definite, but Jon mentioning that he hasn’t found tapes from when he was “away” probably included MAG118 + MAG120 + MAG121. It’s… very curious because, until now, the tape recorders had had a bit of a communicative function – they allowed Jon to hear what he had missed, or were explicitly used by people to leave messages for him (Elias, Martin pushing Tim to give his statement). Right now, they’re voyeurs who neither help nor give anything back to the characters? (I… don’t think that the tape recorder popping up in front of Martin was on a mission to bring that tape back to Jon; it sounds more like a purely selfish action…?)

- But Jon. Jon. Joooon, no D:

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: I suppose I should be worried, but I have so much to keep watch over.

(MAG120) ELIAS: I presumed that I knew you thoroughly, but by the time you demonstrated otherwise… well. There was simply too much to keep watching over. I only have two eyes, after all.

You’re sounding like Elias, now DDD:

- It was my favourite written statement from season 4 so far, I think? I really loved the creeping sense of wrongness rising gradually, sprinkled with bits of mundane reactions and rationalizing (“He coughed gently and, well, I suppose it would have been rude not to look.”, “That was when I ran. I suppose I could have run before then, but I wouldn’t have wanted to seem rude, and it’s not like any of it could have been real, is it? It was just me losing it a bit.”). Plus, very casual queer statement-giver whose wife had down-to-earth preoccupations is always a good start (“since George was off to university and Rosa was usually working evenings, I tended to be alone until about… ten or eleven most days. So obviously, I started going to as many classes as I could. It was a great way to… meet friends, learn new skills, and, er, as she always reminded me, spend a good portion of Rosa’s paycheck.”). It was already a very good and chilling one, slipping more and more, like, HOLY MEW, SON??

(MAG126, Deborah Madaki) Ray told us the lesson was “faces”. I put my hand up to say that sculpting faces was probably a bit advanced for where we were in the course, but he shook his head, and said that we were… a lot more talented than we thought. He said the key was that faces were twisted. All faces were twisted on the inside and all you had to do was reach into the deepest part of yourself and put that twisted on the outside of the clay, and as soon as you can scream you’ll have your own face staring back at you. I asked him to clarify and he nodded again. “ ‘s Soon as you can scream," he said, glancing over nervously to Gabriel, who gave him… big thumbs up. Like it was all some… joke they were playing.

(And how everything began to be obviously more and more wrong, and how, cherry on top! It actually tied in heavily with chronologically-later events that we have already heard about. It was totally unsettling and terrifying; then the conclusion was already a punch; then Jon’s statement made things worse, from “There was no sign of Mary. They still haven’t found her.” to “shortly after this statement was given, they found the body of one [Mary Randall] in her basement, and she has spent the last nine years in Eastwood Park Prison” sHHHHH………… I’m never getting used to these moments in which suddenly, we’re made aware of what was actually happening.)

- Patreons-perks mean that we get the next episode’s title on Monday, now! Jonny had mentioned he was proud of MAG127’s; I can confirm it’s a terrible title and I hate it already. The worst things is that the question it elicits is just a big “WHOSE.” because we… have choices… Anyway, could be very wrong as usual, but the title just reeks (for me) of Beholding and/or Elias and I’m not ready for either :|

[the-numbers-game]

I'm probably not gonna make much sense... as this is yet ANOTHER ramble. World MH day is almost gone here in Scotland. It probably will be after midnight by the time I post this.

I should be writing my dissertation proposal due on Friday, that I told my tutor I would probably submit early, back in the summer and now I'm struggling to write a basic plan about a political party I love because I am 1) a procrastinator 2) stupider than I was 4 years ago ((my last year of high school)) and 3) weirdly sad.

Mental health is this mad, mad subject. I'm okay. I really am. But at the same time, I'm still an anxious fuck. Since leaving my old job that I had a pure love-hate relationship with, as I've posted about before, a lot of unnecessary anxiety has left me. No dread about public transport. No customers coming to tell at me. None of the "other" stuff. I dont feel physically sick and have to take a day off. I'm mostly glad to see the back of it but I'm sad I left a job where I knew what I was doing and was good at (most of the time, sometimes a co-worker or a manager made me EXTRA anxious and made me question my competence). Minus the customers, I constantly provided a good level of service. However, my engagement with customers and giving them a "real", full on servic was rather staggered. When I worked at my first store, I was constantly buzzing and was that annoying(tm) sales assistant. When I tranferred and after my mum died, I just didn't have the energy. After some time off for MH recovery and a really lovely pep talk from my manager at the time (the type of thing youd hear in a movie - no lie) I was back into it - for a while, at least. From then, it fizzed up and down. We're going off topic now. Maybe I'll leave that for another post. Anyway, back to the point. Major workplace anxiety left me. In my new job, I feel somewhat refreshed. Like a weight has been lifted off me.

That's not to say I'm not anxious. I've forgotten how to talk to people. I talk to my team, but I'm not really connecting with anyone. I talk to people, and there's a few I get on with - but nobody is a friend. Two have me on Linkedin but nobody has me on Facebook, nobody asks me to join them at lunch. I find it difficult when I'm doing tasks around the office to talk and ask questions to people in other teams - presumably a confidence issue, perhaps because of the entitlement of some of my previous co-workers. I'm worried people think I'm rude. I feel like I make silly mistakes and ask people the same very minor questions all the time. I know that's normal because I'm new, but I'm just finding it hard to have that connection so many people have naturally. Don't get me wrong, the work I'm doing is pretty basic and the experience is soooo valuable but my confidence isnt there.

Uni is another issue. I thought, entering fourth year, I would be disciplined and be able to study because my degree relies on it. Working three days a week on my "off" days from uni and having a full weekend to myself made me feel motivated. But I'm struggling. I wasn't feeling too bad about everything until Sunday night when I started to feel a little anxious. And then I had an intense seminar on Monday,  followed by another one on Tuesday, with the same tutor. I think I'll get there but I worry about my future if I don't.

My future. Fuck. I keep putting off applying for vacation schemes and training contracts and attending open days and insight evenings and volunteering and everything else. I dont feel rounded. I can't answer the questions on the applications because even though I've got experience in committees and I've been working 15+(now 22+) hours a week since I was 17 this isn't enough. Others manage it because they're wealthy and don't work. Others manage it because they have more drive than me. I'm lethargic and I don't want to be. But a day of uni/a day of work poops me out and even just doing my prescribed readings for class on top of this makes me feel ill.

Anyway. Sorry. Yeah. I'm an axnious mess. But I'm not as bad as I was. But in ways... am I worse?

Or am I just lazy??? I'll never know.

I had this horrible stress dream on Sunday and I think that's fucked me up into thinking like this. I'm okay. Really. I can function. I used to take a lot of panic attacks. And now???? Hardly ever. Even last year, around about Xmas time I think I had a tad of depression (not diagnosed so we dont know for sure). I wasn't excited for Christmas and I spent a lot of my time, at the end of 2017, just feeling a little bit ...not there??? Like it came outta nowhere. The end of my summer was a bit anticlimactic, for reasons that are too deep to go into (mostly about work and also realising one of my courses had been missold to me). I was so so lucky to have Ruby and Callum in my life but like......my energy was just so low. They just kept me going (and stuff often do).

Today, I'm alright. And I have been forms long time. I just find it hard to put in the 110% you need to. My emotions feel real again. I cry about dogs on a daily basis and I laugh and I have a list of good that outweighs the bad about my life. I need to learn to not be scared of engaging with other people and I need to dedicate time for me in the future.

I'm also growing up. Like. I can't function as well on 0 sleep as I could even in like March. One of my best friends, who I dont see often anymore and who also doesn't have facebook was flabbergasted when I informed him of this... he also reminded me that I'm still young and hormes and shit...

Idk where I was going with this post but I'm just so.... so...... urgh. Yeah.

Like this post mental health doesn't make sense. And like me my MH is sound but also a bit of a dick.

There's A LOT of other shit I wanted to stay but this has gone on too long and I need to sleep for work in the morning!!!!

Anyway ily all and thanks for staying with me.

You are kind and valid and I probably love you.

xxxxx

[builder051]

I love prompt 78, can you do it ?

Alright, think back to the joy of your very first migraine, and imagine Peter Parker trying to deal with it all on his own…

Yes, another migraine fic.  But hey, you requested it, and it’s kind of my jam.  I’m not in love with the way it turned out, though, (because I wrote the dialogue all out of order) so, well…hopefully it’s ok.

___

Peter’s home alone on a Wednesday night, picking thorough his homework and waiting for May to finish up her evening shift.  He’s been nursing a headache since lunchtime, and Peter’s used to that.  Food and ibuprofen usually put a damper on things, but not today.

A throb flickers in Peter’s right temple, and his vision shifts weirdly, making the sheet of notebook paper in front of him appear faintly magenta, streaked with pencil marks of hunter green.  He blinks hard, and everything goes mostly back to normal.  Except for the cluster of stars working its way in an arch from one corner of his right eye to the other.

It’s distracting as hell.  And screwing with is depth perception.  Peter starts scratching out another problem from his math assignment, but the numbers are all lopsided and hanging off the line, so he pauses.  Stares at them for a second.  Then fumbles for an eraser.

Good thing this assignment isn’t due tomorrow.  He’ll never finish at this rate.  Peter heaves a frustrated sigh and lets his hand slacken over the resulting pile of rubber shavings.  A wash of apathy comes down from Peter’s head just as the ache in his temple decides to ratchet up a few marks. He drops the eraser and shuts his math book.  He’s starting to feel too ill to work anyway.

As he looks for the proper folder to stow away his homework, Peter’s head gets heavier and heavier.  He nearly slides out of his chair because the left side of his face seems to be leaden and drooping while the right just hurts.  It vaguely occurs to him that this isn’t good.  This is all wrong.  People…people go to the ER for things like this.  The exact word escapes him, but Peter wonders if he’s suffering a brain bleed, about to die in a pile of homework.

Peter considers calling May, but his stomach clenches at the thought of sending her scurrying home early and losing precious hours of pay.  Either that or he’s just nauseous.  Regardless, his imminent death somehow seems less important than his aunt’s finances.

But, god, he can’t just sit here.  The inside of his head feels like Bohemian Rhapsody, but the disorganized offshoots of electrical activity floundering in every direction are full of every kind of pain.  Peter unlocks his phone and scrolls through his contacts.  Ned can’t help.  He’s already decided against calling May.  He doesn’t know why he even has Flash’s number.  Whatever’s next on the list is too blurry to read…

He needs help.  He scans the list as best he can in his partially obscured, quivering visual field.  Then he comes to a promising name and presses the call button.

Peter waits, breathing through vertigo as the phone rings out.

“Mission reports go to Happy,” Mr. Stark’s voice says.  “Thank you and goodnight.”

“Wait, don’t—don’t hang up,” Peter gasps.  “I need…I can’t…”

Mr. Stark’s tone changes at the panic in Peter’s voice.  “Ok, kid, slow down.  What’s going on?”

“Something’s—”  Something’s wrong.  But…how the hell to articulate that word?  What letter does it start with?  How does that sound fit into his mouth?

“Kid?”

“I’m, I’m…”  Peter’s lost in aphasia.

“Are you drunk?” Mr. Stark asks.

“No.  My head,” Peter groans.  “My…I can’t see, I can’t…”

“Slow down.  I don’t get it.”

He sighs.  How to articulate in elusive words that this is the problem?  He can’t think.  He can’t concentrate.  “I…my head hurts.  There’s…there’s lights, my face is falling off…” Peter slurs.  “I don’t…wanna die.”  He doesn’t mean to say it.  But it’s starting to feel like an increasingly plausible fear.

“Oh, kid,” Mr. Stark breathes.  “I think…have you ever had a migraine before?”

Peter shakes his head.  Then he remembers the gesture is no good on the phone, and he exhales, “No.”

“It’s a lot to experience,” Mr. Stark says.  “But you’re not gonna die.  I’ll be right there, ok?  You’re at home?  By yourself, I assume?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok.  Hold on a minute.”  The phone clicks as Mr. Stark hangs up.  Peter drops his forehead to his desk, hoping he can keep his stomach in place.

It turns out he can’t, and it’s all he can do to fling his homework and textbooks out of the way before he brings up a rush of sick over the scuffed tabletop in front of him.  Vomit runs off the edge and onto the floor, and Peter shoves his swivel chair back a couple feet to avoid getting a lapful of the mess.  He balances his elbows on his thighs and buries his face in his hands, relying on the pressure to prevent his head from exploding.

Time passes.  Or maybe it doesn’t.  Peter just sits there, swallowing hard so he doesn’t retch himself into a new level of brain-crushing pain.  There’s a tapping sound from outside his window, but he can’t make himself lift his head.

The rusty metal tracks scrape as the slightly open window is pushed up.  “Kid?  Pete?”  Mr. Stark’s voice asks, slightly distorted by his ironman mask. The red and gold suit flies head first through the window, sending the dusty blinds rustling.  Peter can hardly spare a lift of his head before he’s gagging again and spilling acid and spit down the front of his t-shirt.

“Aw, geez, kid,” Mr. Stark says.  He hovers upright for a second, then releases himself to the floor.  His suit origami folds itself into a band around his forearm, leaving him looking unimposing and almost small in his civilian clothes.  He sinks down to his knees beside Peter’s desk chair.  “Not feeling good, huh?”

“Nuh,” Peter manages, swallowing impending nausea as best he can.

Mr. Stark slides his fingers under Peter’s sweaty bangs.  “Well, no fever.  That’s something.”  He surveys the mess on the desk and floor.  “You think you’re done hurling?”

Peter shrugs.

“How ‘bout you spend a minute in the bathroom anyway?  It’ll probably be good to sit in the dark.”  Mr. Stark helps Peter to his feet.  “You know, I remember the first time this happened to me.  Was about your age.  At MIT.  Puked right in the middle of the physics lab,” he chuckles.

Peter squats, letting his weight leave Mr. Stark’s arm and drapes over the toilet seat instead.  “Ok.  You chill,” Mr. Stark says.  “I’ll, uh, clean up your room a little.”

Peter can’t will himself to say anything.  Mr. Stark pats him gruffly on the back and leaves, snagging a towel on his way.  Peter breathes deeply, practically feeling the scent of the bleach on the toilet water seeping into his head, running down his throat, and turning his stomach again.  He throws up a little bile, and the sound and the smell and the taste compound under his face and make him feel sick all over again.

It dies down, though, eventually.  When Mr. Stark reappears to drag him to his bed, Peter’s not prepared to stand up, but at least his stomach’s mostly back where it belongs.  “Alright, just lie down,” Mr. Stark instructs, removing his hand from Peter’s shoulder once they’re a foot or so from the lumpy mattress.  “I’ll be right back.”  He bends to pick up Peter’s small trash can, which is overflowing with the now sick-sopped towel he’d taken from the rack.

It’s a relief when the mess leaves the confines of the small room and Peter can breathe in clean air again.  The deeper and slower his breaths, the less static there seems to be around his eyeballs.  He drops his jeans and crawls into bed in his t-shirt and underwear, blissfully burying his head in his pillow and blocking out the rest of the world.

“Alright, one last thing,” Mr. Stark says, his footsteps annoyingly loud as he approaches again.  He drops the empty and freshly-lined bin beside the bed, then produces a bottle of pills, a water bottle, and a straw.  “You’ll thank me when you’re doped up.”

Peter squints in the semi-darkness and holds out his trembly hand to accept the white tablets Mr. Stark offers him.  “That’s called Excedrin,” he explains.  “You’ll probably want to buy some.”  He drops the straw into the bottle of water next, holding it so Peter doesn’t have to move in order to gulp down a swig.

Mr. Stark leaves the bottle on Peter’s bedside table.  “Ok.  You all set?  I owe you a towel, but I’ll deal with that later.”

“Thanks,” Peter murmurs.

“Alright, see you later, kid.  Not tomorrow, just, whenever you feel better—”

The sound of a key turning in a lock stuns Mr. Stark to silence.  “Your aunt?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Peter sighs.  He starts to sit up, but hits a wall of dizziness and has to press his face back onto his pillow.

“No, stay put,” Mr. Stark says.  “I got this.”  He moves into the doorway of Peter’s room and poses, leaning languidly against the frame.

Hardly a moment later, Peter hears May pad down the hall and give a little yelp of fright.  “What?  What’s going on?” she demands.

“Well, Pete here called and said he wasn’t feeling good and didn’t want to worry you, so I just thought I’d pop by.  I was…in the neighborhood.”

“Is he ok?” May asks.  Peter can see her concerned face peering around Mr. Stark’s frame to get a glimpse of him curled on his side in bed.

“Yeah, he just has a headache.  You know, like one of those stress migraines.  I gave him a little bit of Excedrin and put him to bed,” Mr. Stark says. “Well, I told him to go to bed.  I didn’t put…he’s not a little kid, and I’m not a creep, so.”

“Well, thank you,” May says, sounding grateful and still a tinge confused.  “What…Is there something I should do?  To make sure he doesn’t get another one?”

Mr. Stark shrugs.  “Let him skip school tomorrow.  I don’t expect him back at my office until he’s feeling better.  I can cut his internship hours if that’s adding to the stress.”

“Hey, no, you don’t, please don’t do that,” Peter mumbles.

“Go to sleep, kid,” Mr. Stark says.  He turns to face into Peter’s room.  “It’s taken me a long time to figure it out, but a solid two and a half decades of working too hard kind of makes you realize it’s not worth it.”

Hot tendrils of prickling nausea flare from Peter’s stomach to his throat to his face.  He tries to think of a decent response, but settles on just keeping his mouth shut.

[dcbicki]

Pirates of the Caribbean: DMTNT/Salazar’s Revenge - spoiler-packed review

Been back home from the cinema for a couple hours now, and it’s time to jot down all my thoughts concerning Dead Men Tell No Tales (or Salazar’s Revenge, according to my movie stub). I’m gonna be breaking this down into sections to make it all a little bit clearer, but I won’t delve too much into the actually plot of the film and - well, basically this isn’t going to be a summary. I’ll end it on a recap of those Will/Elizabeth scenes. Spoilers ahead though, mateys!

Acting: 6/10

First off, it’s safe to say that the new additions to the cast were much needed. I say this because Brenton Thwaites manages to portray Henry in such a way that you just know who his parents are, and Kaya Scodelario’s strong Carina manages to save the rest of the cast from me labeling them as half-arsed. Orlando Bloom tries a little too hard to sound gruff and haunted in his first scene, but he’s seemingly let the charade drop by his reemergence at the climax of the movie, wherein his chemistry with Thwaites is reminiscent of two old friends catching up. (I’ll bite. More on that later.)

Geoffrey Rush is in form, but you get the sense that his time with the franchise would be coming to an end even if his character’s fate wasn’t set in stone in this film. The crew of the freshly freed Black Pearl don’t seem to have much of a purpose, other than to feed lines off of Jack, or rather have him feed off of them. My sister probably said it best: Gibbs is wasted in this film, and there is no good reason as to why that is. I can’t speak much on Javier Bardem’s Armando Salazar because, for the most part, he’s underwhelming. I really don’t think they should have promoted him as the greatest villain to ever walk across the screen of a Pirates film; faced with Davy Jones’ downright frightfulness or Beckett’s cunning scheming, Salazar’s huskiness and slouching leaves little to no impression. Or maybe I was just too distracted by the fact that he was half floating, half standing.

The main problem though, is Depp’s Sparrow. It’s disappointing how a once iconic character has become such a caricature of himself, better suited for a low-rent pantomime than an adventure film of epic proportion. When he isn’t flailing around, swaying back and forth and talking to himself, drunker than usual, he’s spewing out innuendos and coming across as that one dirty uncle you never want to invite to those family get-togethers. The drunken scenes in which we first find him this time around are easier to swallow than later ones.

Writing: 5/10

Many of the jokes rely upon male-favouring misogynistic humour, and the level of unease I felt when Carina starts undressing and Jack urges her on would break the scales. He’s the creepy aging man in the corner, and his crew aren’t much better. The horologist jokes aren’t nearly as funny as they’re intended to be, but despite myself I did end up giggling once or twice at the sheer stupidity of some of what these pirates say. (This is mostly due to Stephen Graham’s stellar delivery though).

I would say a highlight for me were the callbacks to the earlier films, and the majority of my favourite snippets of dialogue come from Barbossa. Drawing his sword and pointing it at Jack, he once again points out that the Pearl can only have one captain.

If you read the novelization, then you will probably notice that plenty of dialogue made it into the film. And this I’m thankful for, because Barbossa’s final answer to Carina’s question cuts me deep and it damn near made me cry in the cinema. There’s heart in the tale, and you sense as much whenever Henry is gazing off into the distance, and you’re never quite sure if he’s just keeping an eye out, or keeping a weather eye on the horizon.

Thankfully, the chemistry between Scodelario and Thwaites works just fine, so their flirting flows quite nicely and it never feels too forced. They don’t try to mimic or copy Bloom and Knightley’s characters, and they work better together than On Strangers Tides’ forgetful missionary-mermaid lovers ever could have.

Effects: 7/10

I’ll admit I was a little skeptical at first, when the trailers first came out and everything seemed to … hollow. Ghost sharks and people with half of their bodies missing screamed Disaster! Abort! to me, but much to my surprise (and delight), the visual effects were actually pretty solid. The ocean parting ways was an epic sight to behold, and I thought I’d need some serious convincing to even consider watching a young Jack prance around, but it worked. And it worked well (if only the flashback hadn’t been such a bore…). The cinematography is beautiful, and the colour palette is hands down better than that of On Stranger Tides. Cyan blue has made its comeback to the franchise and I’m grateful.

3D experience: 7/10

I had the chance to see it for the first time in 3D (but not in IMAX), and I have to say it wasn’t half as bad as I imagined it was going to be. Usually, I avoid watching blockbusters in 3D because the effects never seem to pop and I always leave disappointed, ticked off I spent more money than I needed to. But the opportunity arose and, to my better judgment, I’m glad I went for the 3D viewing rather the original digital format.

Essentially, what stuck out to me, and made me feel as though I was truly there (which is what we want when we go for 3D), involved Salazar, his crew, or The Silent Mary. Their flaking skin constantly looked as though it was shedding, leaving embers floating in the air. (This did require me to lift my head a little big higher though, to basically crop out all those scalps from the audience below since I was sat at the very back, in the very center of the room.)

Score: 8/10

Rather than working solely on new compositions, Geoff Zanelli decided to integrate many of the older themes and suites into his scoring of the film, and I’m glad. I kept my ears attentive for any and all uses of the Love Theme from At World’s End (and there are many! But more on that later…), but I’d say the scores from Curse of the Black Pearl and At World’s End get the most use here. I was on the edge of my seat through that entire bank robbery scene, and only Hans Zimmer’s killer pieces of music can do that to a person. All those classic themes we recognize and love are there, and they help bring the audience back into the sometimes sketchy plot. But the new additions are nice too, and they add a touch of magic to some scenes. I think (if I’m not mistaken) that the music playing over Carina’s discovery of the island full of stars was new, and I’m definitely going to be on the look out for that one.

But my real love, my true love where the Pirates scores are concerned remains the Love Theme from AWE. Pieces of ‘One Day’ are played at several reprises, and the film wastes no time in letting its melody wash over the audience as it airs during the opening scene of a young Henry finding his father aboard the Dutchman. It’s become a recurring theme of sorts where the Turner family is concerned, and this isn’t a problem. It’s almost as though whenever Henry is on screen a segment of this piece has to play so we remember who he is and what his goals are. It works, though. But the best use of this theme comes at the end, and the much-awaited reunion scene between Will and Elizabeth would never have worked without it.

Will/Elizabeth:

I won’t lie, one of the main reasons I was so determined - excited - to go and see this was for my two favourite characters from the franchise. We’d been left hanging (in a way) for near a decade when it came to Will and Elizabeth’s endgame. The writers seemingly gave them an out, but canonically they were destined for a lifetime of waiting and longing. It sucked, but this latest installment tried its best to make up for their unfortunate ending. And, though their situation could have been dealt with a thousand different ways, I’m not unhappy with the way they chose to settle their love story for once and for all. How could I be? They’re two of my all-time my favourite characters, and they are the romantic ship I hold above all others.

Yes, it’s a little annoying that Elizabeth doesn’t even speak at all, but I’m honestly they convinced to Keira to film something rather than nothing at all. She was - I’m sure - a last minute addition to the film, but you would never have thought it. Her first scene works, and it’s well placed and perfectly ends their journey. Granted, one does wonder why their son is the one setting off on an adventure to free Will from his curse when Elizabeth is there, and alive, and healthy, and a former badass pirate herself. But she’s just that: a former pirate. Narratively, and structurally, it’s easier to make Elizabeth the love Will returns home to at the end of the movie than anyone else, because it’s either that or nothing (no Elizabeth) at all. So I will settle for her being the wife waiting ashore that day because otherwise we don’t get anything. And this something is better than nothing.

For those of you seeking a detailed description of their embrace, I’ll try my best. (It has been some hours since I saw it).

Henry is standing ashore with Carina, post-embrace, not too far from where a lighthouse towers over them in the background. This plot of land is where he grew up, and the lighthouse is seemingly the Turner home.

Now that the curse has been broken, he’s patiently waiting for his father’s reemergence from below the depths of the sea. He pulls his spyglass from his waist, holds it up to his eye to gaze out at the sea in search of the Flying Dutchman.

A freshly resurrected Dutchman - with white sails and a healthy glow about it - has already risen to surface. There’s focus on the crew off in the distance aboard the ship for a moment but, through Henry’s spyglass, Will comes into focus, walking towards them.

He stops before his son and Carina, and the two men make their way towards each other. They exchange a hug, pat each other on the back as father and son do, and Will doesn’t seem able to believe that Henry truly freed him.  They both smile, and Will says he will have to tell him all about how he broke the curse he thought unbreakable.

Henry pulls the old necklace Will wore in earlier films from around his neck and hands it back over to his father, crunched up in his fist. He kept his promise, and he wishes to return it to his father.

But, as they begin to walk off, Will’s hand on his son’s shoulder tenderly, he finds himself peering off into the distance. From over a hill, we see Elizabeth cross a field of grass. She slowly makes her way towards them, skirts gathered in her hands.

Her face is a picture at the sight before her, and a smile slowly etches onto her face at the realisation of what has happened. Will is free, and her family is reunited.

Only a moment later, the two are hurrying over the bluff to meet each other. It somehow happens slowly yet much too quickly at one time, and the sound of my heart pounding against my chest at the sight of this reunion is no doubt how we can imagine they felt in that moment, too.

It’s hurried, the way they run to each other over the grass and dirt. It’s desperate, and those ten years of longing are felt through their on-screen presence, through their facial expressions. A foot away from each other, they stare, but only for an instant. They hug, embrace as though they’ve dreamt of this moment for years now - and doubtless they have. It’s testament to Orlando and Keira’s chemistry that they can still silence almost an entire room within but ten seconds of re-connecting. At this point, I feel my heart fucking caving in on itself. Their love theme is playing over the scene, and I focus entirely on their faces.

Their embrace is passionate, one of absolute despair turned to sheer glee, and the tightness with which he holds her fucking wrecks my soul. She’s basically clutching at him. I believe their eyes close, and their slowly begin to pull apart from each other, after both of their faces are focused on, all smiles - after they’ve breathed each other in. Though they never let go of each other, it takes a couple of seconds for the shot to pan out and focus on them as pair. He focuses on her lips, looks resolute on kissing her, but she focuses her gaze on his entire face, but mostly on his eyes.

His hands on her waist, it’s Elizabeth who makes that first fraction of an inch to kiss him. Her hands run over his shoulders until they reach his head, and they kiss as needy lovers who’ve been apart for a decade, his hands encasing her, cradling her. (I’m uncertain if the camera pans around them or not, that could just be wishful thinking on my part.) Moving away from them, the focus is then placed on the field beside the lighthouse, when they remain standing, loving.

It doesn’t end here though. Once the final scene has passed and the credits have stopped rolling, you’re in for a treat.

The post-credits is deliberately left ambiguous so we wonder if there’s more to come, and I’m honestly not that surprised by this fact. I would honestly prefer if this were the final installment in the saga. The scene could work as a reminder of Will’s suffering, and the finalization of his curse. To each their own speculation and interpretation though.

The shot starts off on Elizabeth’s face. She’s fast asleep in bed, in a white nightgown with her hair sprawled across the pillow. Next to her, as the cameras slides over, Will is sleeping also, white shirt open and now long hair free, and they’re back to back.

In the doorway to their bedroom, the shadow of Davy Jones haunting figure appears in the darkness as a harsh wind blows through an open window and the moon’s glow highlights his frame. He seemingly approaches the bed, and it’s only when the focus is placed on his claw of a hand that Will wakes up from his sleep and springs back to reality. He was having a nightmare, we’re to assume, and he’s shaken by the nightmare of his old nemesis.

Will sighs, takes a deep breath to calm himself, quickly scans the room. He turns to Elizabeth, places a hand on the far side of her waist, tucked beneath her body against the sheets. It’s a slow and soft move, when he gently pulls her into his side to rest. She lets out a quiet moan, and they fall back into a comfortable sleep, nestled together as man and wife, finally.

Headcanon: They had hot sex for five hours prior to this. (I’m writing the fanfic, don’t worry…)

[wild-stdreams]

45 - 50 for hazel, 1-6 for matty and 30-35 for maisie?

Ah thank you love!! I’m gonna put this under the cut b/c it’s probably going to be long (hehhh)

HAZEL :: 

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?I think a lot of people see Haze as small and… fighty. And I would say that they’re 100% correct, and Haze is under no illusions about who she is in terms of her personality - but she has some major questions about who she is as a supernatural being and where she sits on the good to bad scale. 

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?She doesn’t always make a great first impression no, she’s got a bit of a resting bitch face that she obviously can’t really do much about cause she’s absolutely not prepared to put on a fake smile constantly just to please others. I’d say her first impression doesn’t reflect her 100% accurately, cause she is, in general, a nice/good person, but it also doesn’t portray her as someone she’s not - she can be stand off-ish and she’s not an overly friendly person, she’s just neutral really. A pretty basic introduction like “Hey, I’m Hazel” no more, no less. Not a big hugger, except for people she’s comfortable around. 47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?Awkward Awkward Awkward. Word vomit galore, saying things she absolutely did not mean to. I think she’d kick up a fuss about having to wear a fancy dress but secretly kinda love looking completely different for a while - but she’d never tell anyone that. Especially not Laurel who would have her in heels and skirts constantly if she had her way. 

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? Hazel enjoys a good house party as much as the next teenager. Not a lot of organisation would go into making the plans to attend a party, but if she were to throw one herself she could always count on Laurel to do the organising for her. Hazel’s pretty used to being dragged to parties by her cousin, and sometimes Matty. But there’s often not a lot of reluctance involved in this ‘dragging’ as such. 

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?Probably anything that belonged to her dad really. She can be sentimental, yeah. She sleeps in her dad’s old shirts, and keeps a bottle of his cologne in her bedside cabinet. There isn’t anything she has to take everywhere with her though. 

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?I actually already wrote this a little bit in a prompt that is actually most likely going to feature towards the end of Paroxysm… Essentials to Hazel are literally just the essentials - clothes, underwear, toiletries etc. And a phone, duh, she is a millennial. But going back to the last question, one of her dad’s shirts at least would be in there. 

MATTY ::

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?Matilda Prescott (one of the few characters of mine who doesn’t actually have a middle name) I’m gonna go with why I chose it and not why her parents might have done - I’ve always loved the film Matilda, and my mum actually wanted to name me Matilda before I was born. It means “might/strength in battle” basically, and that’s exactly the kind of person Matty is - someone you can rely on when times are tough. I love really girly names that can be shortened to a boy-ish nickname like I have an OC called Cressida, who goes by Sid. 

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?Not officially, no… other than the standard Miss. She gets called Man-eater by Spencer when he’s being particularly annoying, because she’s a Succubus. 

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? For the most part, yes, Matty had a good childhood. Other than her parents divorce when she was twelve which would be the bad memory, but she came to view it as a good thing because she could see how much happier her parents were apart compared to them being miserable together. A good memory would be working with her dad and cousin in the workshop at Prescott Motors. 

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? I think I lowkey covered part of this in the other question buuuut to expand, Matty is closer to her father than her mother and when they split she’d spend the week with her dad and visit her mum on the weekends/the odd weeknight. Her mum has since remarried and had another daughter, who Matty babysits every other week or so. She loves her mum and half-sister, and gets along well with her step dad but no-one compares to her dad.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?Her half-sister is two and her name is Erin. Matty enjoys spending time with her but she’s lowkey glad she doesn’t have to live in the same house as her permanently - kids are exhausting.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?Matty is really smart, and has very good grades - except of course when Alderdale descends into chaos at which point all of the ~gang~’s grades slip due to being a little busy fighting off Abraham and Eris and their terrible awful plan etc… bit time consuming, y’know? She loves English, History and Chemistry. She’s not a big fan of Math(s)(that’s confusing cause Matty would call it math, but in the UK we call it maths). She’s only in high school still, but I can see her definitely going off to college. 

MAISIE ::

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?Other than running around as a wolf… and gym class at school, not really. She’s not totally against it and does enough to keep fit, but she’s not majorly into exercising, she does like the bare minimum to get by. She enjoys running from time to time, post-work out she definitely wants to just chill out with a cold drink.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?No absolutely not she’s underage in America like whaaat.. no of course, like most teenagers do she’ll have a drink at a party. She’s a total blabbermouth when drunk (like a lot of people) and loves to dance. Hungover she is just really quiet, needs to consume all the junk food she can find and sit in a dark room. She’s such a caring person that she’d be running back and forth getting whatever someone hungover needed like “do you need another glass of water?” “shall i make you some food?” “do you want me to put netflix on?” 

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?Jeans and oversized tees are Maisie’s go-to, cute knitwear, lots of pastel colours. Either vans or a pair of ankle boots. She is partial to a skirt and a nice top on occasion, but most of the time she just likes to be comfy. She wears PJs - mostly shorts and a top, sometimes just an oversized top if it’s particularly warm. Maisie wears makeup most of the time, yeah. Nothing extravagant though just the basics like concealer, mascara, a bit of blush and some highlighter etc. Her hair is long, dark and very shiny. Never been dyed. 

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?Mostly cotton… she owns a few nice pairs but really underwear is the last thing on her mind.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?Slender, slightly athletic but no major muscle definition. She’s relatively small at five foot four. She has the usual hang-ups that a teenage girl has about her body, but she does her best to embrace it and love it for what it is.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? I honestly don’t think Maisie really has a guilty pleasure, she’s a pretty honest and open person (for the most part… lol catch her keeping some major secrets in paroxysm) but like about herself, she doesn’t really lie or hide anything. She was a major One Direction fan back in the day… and definitely didn’t hide it despite Hazel’s constant complaints ( “stop playing that awful boyband crap immediately Maiz, before I throw your iPod out the window”)

[jimincheoreom]

STIGMA || K.TH

Pairing: Kim Taehyung / Gender Neutral Reader

Word Count: 5038

Warning(s): Physical & Mental abuse, mentions of medical supplies, lowkey implied smut, profanity

A/N: I’m so sorry this took so long to come out. It was originally supposed to be around 1k words like BEGIN and LIE, but that didn’t stay for long. My schedule is hectic so I probably shouldn’t have given myself a due date when exams are so close lol. Thanks for your patience though! (this is literally like 5x the length of the other two lolol end me don’t do this to me taehyung ur not even my bias). Also, this kinda strayed far from his wings short story unlike the others two lol rip. also i have no idea what im going to do for the next four, end me.

Summary: 

You reflect on the consequences of the future and past as Taehyung gives you a desperate plea for help over a payphone.

Additionally, your roommate is Namjoon who’s done with your shit.

|| J.JK || P.JM ||  K.TH || M.YG || K.NJ || J.HS || K.SJ ||

“__why are you hiding;”

“_____im a curse;”

The Taehyung you had known, the one who had graced your childhood, the one who held your hand on the playground and as you walked to school was not the one standing in front of you. This man was different in so many ways compared to the man you had grown up and fallen in love with. The man who you watched grow from a child to a teen and, finally, to a young adult. He was no longer the little boy on the playground or the one who shared his lunch with you when you forgot to grab yours in the morning. The Kim Taehyung you had cherished was gone, a dour reminder that life was always changing along with the people who lived those lives. This man would not be the one to hold your hands and slip through the rain or the one to hum lullabies in order to calm you in your darkest times. This man, the one in front of you with his icy features that still resembled your Kim Taehyung, he would be the one to cause your darkest times.

“Hey…” He frowns and grabs at your shoulders, trying to get your attention. “I said I was sorry, okay?”

A sudden bitter emotion snaps inside of you, “You're ‘sorry’? What kinda’ve shit is that, Kim.”

“Kim?” He growls lowly, “you’re gonna sink to that level?”

“Yeah! I sure as fuck am!” You shove him back by pushing at his chest, “If you do stupid shit I'm gonna be pissed at you! Especially when you fucking call me at three in the fucking morning!”

“Well sorry, you're the only person I have that I can call! I have no family! You're my family!” His voice is wavering and your heart shatters hearing the emotion cracking behind his voice.

You begin to stumble over your words, “Namjoon? Seokjin? Fuck, even Yoongi would’ve come and gotten you!”

He sighs and grits his teeth, “you know… you of all people should know…”

“Should know what Taehyung?! Because right now I'm not understanding anything!”

“I can’t rely on them for forever!”

“And you can rely on me for forever?! I have a life just like they do!” You walk closer to him, your heart dropping with every step closer to him.

“Yes!” His voice completely shatters, no ability to shout left. “Because I love you… I want to spend my life with you, not them. I love you. They're my family but you… you're the love of my life…” his voice trails off, “I want to rely on you for eternity, not them.”

You freeze in shock, looking up at him before smiling softly. “Taehyung… you’re such an idiot.”

He grins before scooping you up into his arms, “but I'm your idiot.”

Sighing you wrap your arms around his neck, cradling yourself against his body. “Yes... you are my idiot.”

“I need-,” the line drops and as quickly as it drops it picks itself back up, “blood is everywhere.”

“Tae…” you furrow your eyebrows in confusion, “Why is there blood Tae, what's happening?”

The line cuts out again and everything fuzzes over. “I… he’s bleeding everywhere I ran… please, I need help… there was so..”

“Ta-” You blink in confusion and step back from the payphone you had called him from, staring in shock at the pitch black scenery around it. You bring the receiver back up to your ear, listening to the dead static mix with the torrential downpour outside. You stand in silence for another moment before hanging the receiver back up. Cursing your inability to remember to carry a portable charger, or ever just use your phone responsibly, you grab the umbrella leaned against the glass wall protecting you from the storm. “Was he at home when he called me…?”

All your life spent with Taehyung, he had been a troublemaker. Starting in primary school when he would be the class clown and interrupt lessons. It quickly escalated during high school, however. His small interruptions became non-existent and instead, he either didn't show up at all or left the classroom by being escorted. Within his heart, you knew, he wasn't malicious. He was a broken kid, from an equally as broken family. Someone who tried his best to succeed and when that garnered no effect, his actions escalated. He was extremely intelligent, you knew that much, but his attention became misguided. The people who surrounded him had abandoned him and you in return became the only one who followed him. You were pretty damn sure you would follow him to the end of the earth if it met you could cherish your memories with him once more. The young boy you had known had become a criminal, someone who spent the wee hours of the night in police custody and knew every officer enough to greet them with their full name when they were sent to retrieve him. This crime, however, you could have never seen coming.

Monday morning the rain had steadily begun to fall across Seoul. The week before was filled with people grumbling about a need for rain, now it had been raining for four days off and on and tonight the heavens seemed to open up in order to match the eerie mood of the city. Little to no people were on the streets as it was early morning, you had worked throughout the whole night, and pouring cats and dogs. Opening up the umbrella you dashed outside into the midst of the storm, squinting as the harsh winds picked up and almost blew the umbrella from your hands. You reached an awning and looked around the desolate city, where exactly did Taehyung live again? In all of your life, you had never actually been to his apartment he shared with his mother and father. It was, as he put it, forbidden ground.

You had noticed the scrapes and bruises as a child and even as a teen and now a young adult, but you had always played it off within you head. You figured Taehyung had gotten them from mixing himself in business he shouldn't have, not an uncommon occurrence. Now, however, your mind was gathering the small details you had failed to recognize earlier. While you had never stepped foot into the apartment you had stood outside of it and stared into the devoid eyes of a drunkard before. You had seen the ransacked inside as a child, not being able to place two and two together. Now, as an adult, you wished you only still had that childlike mentality as you head began to race.

Taehyung had come from a violent home, but there was no way he was capable of becoming even more violent than his father, was there? Your eyes widened in fear as you begin to dash haphazardly to the less affluent and populated side of the city. Taehyung had mentioned blood… someone had just injured themselves.. right? There was no way the Taehyung you had grown up could injure someone else. Sure, he had fought on the school yard or in the hallways, but never intentionally. He was mostly there as a protector or a mediator, never an instigator. His crimes didn't involve violence either, most of them just being the defacement of private and public property. Had… had something within him snapped?

This, you realized, had gone too far. Shaking your head in disgust you paid attention to the path you were taking. There was no way Taehyung could have escalated to murder or a violent crime in general. The man who you had taken under your wing, who you had tried to steer in the right direction, he couldn't do something so malicious. However, as you bit your lower lip, you realized that there was always an untamed side to Taehyung. He was never, and never would be completely yours. He was a wild and mislead spirit, no matter how much you didn't want to admit it. The coaching you gave him mostly fell on deaf ears as he continued to involve himself with criminal extracurriculars.

A sudden blast of lightning catches you off guard and you look up towards the sky, finally taking in your surroundings. Sighing you pull the flimsy umbrella closer to you, trying to shelter your already drenched body. Another sudden noise, a siren, catches you off guard as you step closer to the buildings, away from the road, and look towards the road, watching in fear as a group of emergency vehicles zip past you. Your eyes widen in terror as you watch the emergency vehicles disappear around the corner, seemingly going in the direction of Taehyung’s apartment. You stand there in shock, your mind running a mile a minute before your feet begin to move by themselves, dashing down the sidewalk and splashing through puddles of rain.

Although the temperature outside was low, your body was on fire. Your muscles threatened to cease up and your lungs screamed for air as you sucked it in by the mouthful, all while breathing through your mouth. Your breath brought small clouds to life within the air as you continued to sprint, the idea of keeping your umbrella close to you long forgotten. As you reached the last corner you pushed the last bit of energy from your body before slipping and crash landing in a puddle. Groaning in pain your turn your body into its side and watch through half lidded eyes as a black bag is being loaded into an ambulance parked in the uneven parking lot. As your mind fogs over with panic, fear, and the growing bump on the back of your head, your realIze for the first time that your lungs burn even more with the sobs being wretched from within.

As a child, you and Taehyung were partners in crime. You would hide on the playground together, skipped down the side of streets together, and played tag in dirt holes soon to become skyscrapers stretching towards the sky. As you both aged you became focused on your studies and extracurriculars. While Taehyung was a constant companion as your side in your childhood and even had his own space at your house, that quickly vanished. Your parents, noticing his escalating behavior tried to distance you from each other as much as they could. While this worked at home and out of school, you refused to give up on the boy who had been your childhood soulmate. You’d stand outside of classrooms and wait for him daily, wait outside daily, and track him down when he didn't show up to school. You’d done a lot of dumb things and sacrificed a lot of important opportunities chasing after some dumb boy, with equally as dumb stunts.

Now, as an adult, your antics had calmed down. You graduated secondary school and university, landing a scholarship at Seoul National University. Now you had a job and an apartment, one that Taehyung frequently crashed at. You also had a shared group of friends, ones who had succeeded far above expectations. Seokjin, a head chef, was a kind man with a calming present, whose broad shoulders you often shared your sorrows with. Yoongi, a producer who was developing his own label, whose apartment was always open in times of dire caffeine deprivation. Hoseok, a man that owned his own studio, whose eternally happy demeanor was a comfort. Namjoon, a man too wise for his years and aspiring rapper, producer, and lyricist, whose random ass philosopher quotes kept you distracted. Jimin, he ran a YouTube channel and used Hoseok’s studio, whose sincere and gentle gestures kept you smiling ear to ear. Jungkook, he was the youngest and had an unbelievable amount of talent and determination, whose small bunny smile and awkward tendencies caused you to laugh the night away together. Finally, there was Taehyung. He was a strange man, unlike the others he worked at a convenience store and had irregular hours, sometimes you didn't see him for days on end, but that never weakened your relationship. It came as a surprise to no one in the group when you had both agreed to enter a romantic relationship, or when Taehyung had pretty much moved in, at first on your couch, and then the bed. Namjoon, who was also your roommate, hadn’t even realized until one day he sat on a sleeping Taehyung.

Your young adult relationship with Taehyung had been a bit rocky and unstable in the beginning, both of you having drifted slightly from parents and different school courses. As you entered Seoul National University, you had no idea where he was for the majority of the years you were enrolled. The first time you even saw him after finishing university was on another night similar to the one you were currently experiencing.

You had worked overtime that night, having just a normal office job as you applied other places using your degree. The heavens had opened somewhere around 5 P.M. and it was now sometime around 6 P.M. That particular storm was extremely nasty and you could barely see out the window. You had stayed in the office as long as you could before deciding to leave as it seemed as if the storm was never ending. Sighing in a disgruntled fashion, you began to gather your items and pack them up in your satchel before logging off your computer and picking up the umbrella next to your desk. Fearing a power outage, you opted to take the stairs, not wishing to spend a night in a broken down elevator. Reaching the lobby you saw a shadow of a figure illuminated by the emergency lights on inside the lobby. The figure was taking shelter under the awning of the building, a hoodie, you assumed, was soaked through and clung to the figure. Frowning, you walked to the door and opened it, surprising the figure who was leaning against it.

“Holy shit!” The figure managed to gain his balance back before he turned and faced you before his jaw fell slack in shock.

Your eyes widened in surprised too, “Taehyungie…”

A soft grin split his lips apart before m moved forward before pausing, “Err... I would hug you but as you can see the rain and I got in a little spat.”

Laughing as his bizarre as ever explanation you opened your umbrella and looked towards him, “As much as I'm sure we would both love to stand out in the freezing rain, I suggest we go somewhere else.”

“Oh?” His grin widens and he huddles up next to you under the umbrella, “I don’t see you for years and you try to kidnap me?”

“Mhmm.. more like abduct, you’re not a kid anymore.” You pause before handing the umbrella for him to hold. “Actually, I take that back, this is a kidnapping.”

He smiles and takes the umbrella from your grasp, and holding it between the both of you. “And where do you plan on taking me?”

“A place with food and a warm shower, we could both use one.”

“Oh, kinky, I like it.”

“Taehyung!”

He chortled before he began to take large strides and dash down the street, giving you little time to react. Taking a tight hold on your bag you begin to chase after him, two lone figures crossing the empty streets and pavements of Seoul. At some point you reached him and directed him towards your apartment, both of you still laughing and running through the rain, the umbrella long is forgotten and hanging by Taehyung’s side. Squealing, you both manage to dodge into the lobby of the building. Taehyung’s long legs dash across the lobby and begins to rapidly push the elevator button. Your worries about the power going off dissipated as you rushed to his side and squeezed under his arm to tumble into the open elevator before him.

“You little!” He grins and rushes in beside of you, and tries to pin you to the wall but you dodge once more and press the level that your apartment is on. He comes up behind you and grabs your waist, pulling you up into the air. You laugh and lean back against his chest as he walks backward. He drops you back onto the ground and pins you into a corner of the elevator. He leans down and smiles. “I missed you so much…. how long have you been back?”

You smile softly at the sight of his own smile, “A few weeks, I have a temp job at the office you were loitering outside of while I apply to other jobs.”

He nods and leans closer, his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks as he leans closer, his breath blowing across your face. You look up expectantly and bite your bottom lip. “I missed you…” he leans closer and gently presses his lips against yours. “So much it hurts.”

You stare at him and shock and miss the sound of the singing bell. A throat being cleared catches you both off guard and Taehyung turns around as you shuffle to the side in order to face whoever it is. Namjoon, who should be a Psychology major, you swear, stands there with his arms across his chest and keys dangling from his hand. “I was coming to pick you up from work with the car so you wouldn't drown, but I see Taehyung did that for me.” He sighs and turns, walking back to the apartment.

You look up at Taehyung and he backs up and scratches the back of his neck. “We got caught didn’t we?”

You nod and nervously bite your lip before disappearing after Namjoon, Taehyung following your trail. As you enter the apartment, Namjoon is knocking pots and pans around in the kitchen, probably trying to heat up an old soup. Fresh towels are piled onto the end of the counter, forcing Taehyung and you to make awkward eye contact with Namjoon. His face was filled with a grimace—whether it was towards the food or you two, you weren't sure. You pick up a set of the towels and hand it to Taehyung, smiling softly at him before nodding down the hallway. “You know where it is.” You noticed the folded sweatpants and baggy t-shirt next to the towels and pick the clothes up and hand them over to Taehyung as well. “I'm gonna assume these are for you too.” Taehyung nods and smiles before leaning down and pressing a kiss to your cheek and vanishing down the hallway, the sound of the shower turning on following him.

Namjoon clears his throat once again and keeps his focus on the pot, stirring whatever way inside in an endless whirlpool. “So when did that become a thing, you’ve barely seen each other in four years.”

You groans and sit down at the counter, “I have no idea,” you lean your head onto your arm and look at him, “something happened on the way here and in the elevator and.. I just…” your eyes glaze over in thought, “it felt like we never separated..”

“I’m not against it or anything,” Namjoon pauses and looks up to meet your eyes, “but just be careful. I don’t want either of you getting hurt. Especially since we all would have to sit through a hellish game night.”

You grin and pick up a rag sitting on the counter before tossing it in the direction of Namjoon. “Oh shut up! There are more important things in life than just game nights!”

That night was weird. You sat bunched between Namjoon and Taehyung, two of the three of you with towels hanging around your necks and semi-damp clothes. Namjoon was the only one completely dry, as he had his own producer studio in one of the extra rooms and didn’t have to travel out in the rain. You, however, had not expected “light showers” to morph into torrential downpours. You had no idea about Taehyung. Namjoon went to bed early, complaining about “loud ass kids next door who always start partying early and disrupt his beauty sleep.” That night, and the next year, neither you nor Taehyung, acknowledged the unresolved sexual tensions or kiss or seemingly nonexistent space between the both of you.

Your first few years of young adulthood with Taehyung were dumb but nowhere near as dumb as the incident you were in now.

Your head hurt like hell. Your body was cramped. You thought this was the end. Groaning in discomfort you open your eyes slowly, the dim fluorescent lights allowing your eyes to adjust more easily. A soft voice flickers in and out matching your dwindling sight. You groan again and feel a hand cradling the back of your neck and helping cool water dribble down the back of your throat. You cough and spit up some of the water but manage to swallow most of it. A hand rubs the excess water off with a small piece of cloth before pulling the water bottle away. “Hey.. you’re awake..”

Your vision finally focuses in on the looming figure and you raise your eyebrow, “Joonie…?”

He sighs and nods softly before pushing your hair back, “Yes… it's me..” he brushes his fingers through your bangs and for the first time you feel the bandage wrapping around your head. “You had a nasty fall in the rain.”

“Friday… I missed game night..” Your mind feels like it's swimming in soup.

“You and Taehyung both…” he grimaces at the mention of the boy, “Taehyung found you and brought you here… both of you were injured…”

Your eyes snap open and your mind is suddenly over functioning. “He.. he said there was blood and he needed h-.”

Namjoon cuts you off before you can get any more excited, “Hey! Hey.. it's alright. Taehyung found you and brought both of you back here.” He grits his teeth slightly and hesitates while brushing back your hair. “Taehyung… he killed his father. His mother is saying it was self-defense but he fled the crime scene…” he sighs and leans back in the chair he had sat next to the bed, “I’m going to assume that's when he found you with your head split open. What happened?”

Your mind is on the verge of a mental breakdown. Everything merging together and causing it to crash into an error mode. Taehyung had… murdered someone? Not just anyone, but his father? You knew his family was fucked, it wasn't a secret. There were bruises, scrapes, bloody knuckles, and broken bones, you had noticed it all. You just never thought Taehyung was capable of… murder, even if his father was abusive. Then again, you didn't live in the household and truly had no idea what went on in the household. A gentle voice interrupted your ears once again, “Hey.. you okay?”

You snap out of your daze and glance back over at Namjoon, “Sorry, what?”

“I asked,” his mouth turns into a worried frown, “what happened to you..?”

“I,” you furrow your eyebrows, “I slipped on the road, I think, maybe the parking lot… or the sidewalk... I'm not really sure… I,” you pause, “I can't remember much, I remember calling Taehyung from a payphone but he was.. he was crying and screaming about blood.”

Namjoon sighs and runs his hands through his own hair, “I thought so... fuck.”

You close your eyes once more and hold them closer, still trying to process everything, “Is he here…?”

Namjoon sighs, “Yeah.. he's sleeping in my room. He dropped you at the doorway and played ding-dong ditch and ran off to the police station. Then someone called at midnight and it was Taehyung trying to get me to come pick him up. I don't know exactly what's going on… he won't talk to me about anything.”

You frown and sigh softly, “He's.. he's not going to jail will be..?”

“He’ll go on trial, even if it's considered self-defense.” Namjoon rakes his hand through his hair once more. “What happens afterward I'm not sure.” He smiles gently, although you can see the uncertainty on his face, and reaches forward to gently grab your hand and gently brushes his thumb across your knuckles. “We’ll figure this out, all of us.”

You nod and smile back at Namjoon before wriggling your toes and sighing deeply. ��I still feel a little weak and fatigued, do you mind?

He drops your hands back to your side and stands up, taking the chair by its back and sliding it back to its resting place. He leans backward slightly, placing his hands on his hips in order to stretch out his back. He shuffles forward before leaning down and brushing back your bangs, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead before straightening back out and heading towards the door. His silent exit leaves you in an ever growing oppressing silence. That night you fall asleep reluctantly, thoughts of the uncertain future plaguing your mind.

A shrill ring in drags you out of your slumber and you jump so high your body drops off the couch. Groaning in pain, you sit up and rub at your lower torso and flip the blanket off of you. Gazing at the tv you sigh as you notice that the screen has flipped to its idle waiting screen. Picking up the remote you shut it off and slam the remote back onto the coffee table. Groaning once more you push yourself up off the ground using the couch and coffee table to balance yourself. Yawning, you trudge to the door while pushing your silky locks back, only to have them flop right back into your face. You fumble around in your pocket and pull out your phone, checking the time and noting that it's close to 2 A.M. Raising an eyebrow in confusion you look towards the visitor screen and press the button, a crackling noise coming along with audio and visual.

“Hey… open…” A visual of a man with a hoodie on appears, the voice; however, you know all too well.

“Taehyung? What the fuck it's two in the morning.” You rub at your eyes once more.

Taehyung groans and begins to speak again, the crackling noise beginning to worsen. “Just press… fucking…”

Rolling your eyes you tap the button to buzz Taehyung into the apartment. Stepping away from the door you begin to shuffle your feet and throw yourself face down on the couch. Soon after, the door swings open and heavy footsteps rush past you and enter the bathroom. Frowning, you slip off the couch and float to the bathroom. Taehyung is hovering above the sink, his hands, which are busted, rifling through the cabinets with the hood still up on his head. Frowning once again, you step up behind him and gently pull the hood down. He looks up and shock and through the reflection of part of the mirror, you notice the gash above his eyebrow.

“Christ Taehyungie…” you step beside of him and slide the glass over as he takes his hands out and grab the medical kit and place it on the counter, “wrap you knuckles out while I get a rag,” you quickly dash to a small closet right outside of the bathroom and grab a rag. Wetting it, you force him to sit on the closed toilet as you begin to wipe the blood away from his forehead and eyebrows. Thankfully, the blood has mostly dried and the gash isn't too deep. “What happened this time?”

He shrugs and flickers his eyes away from yours, sighing and tapping his fingers on his thigh. “Nothing… just a small fight.”

You frown, “Taehyung…” you drop the rag in the sink and open the bandage, “this isn't a small fight. You could've been blinded.”

He pushed your hand away and takes a hold of it after you finish applying the bandage. He pulls your hand to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to your palm. “Please,” he frowns, “please stay out of this. I don't want you getting hurt.”

You sigh and nod, “Fine, but you're staying here for a while.”

He chuckles and nods, “as long as Namjoon-Hyung doesn't sit on me this time.”

You laugh and scoot your body in between his legs. You lean down and press your forehead against his before your sense of the world zones out. In this moment all that matters in the man in front of you. His soft brown hair that brushes against his eyelashes and his gentle brown eyes. His gentle hands, ones full of callouses and scars, but ones that hold your hands between the sheets. You smile and gently press your lips against his own plush, flushed ones. His groans gently and pulls you closer to him, wrapping his arms around your waist. You grin and continue to kiss him. Suddenly, you hear the voice of your roommate and you both immediately pull apart.

“Take your hormones to bed, I need to piss.” Namjoon stands in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. His hair is mussed and his clothes disheveled.

“Well this is embarrassing,” Taehyung grins.

There was no funeral. There were no charges. Taehyung was ultimately found not guilty, his defense of self-protections being supported by his mother. Life went on. Taehyung had officially moved out of the apartment, along with his mother. His mother moved to Daegu, preferring to escape Seoul but not wishing to completely leave the lifestyle of a large city. Taehyung, after helping his mother move, officially became a resident and Namjoon and your own apartment. Everything was looking up, everything was advancing. You had gotten an official job, and the others had all become successful. Taehyung left his job at a convenience store and managed to land a scholarship to a university where he was studying to become a pediatrician. Everything was on an upward slope.

The only thing was, the past was haunting, a stigma that was to mark you all, not matter where the future would take any of you.

“__i love you;”

“_____please, forget me;”

[dromjournal]

Autumn 2018

I’m a man, middle aged, with a child about 7-9 years old. It’s before the industrialization. We’re walking by a farm/company which are renovating houses and filling the walls with sawdust for isolation. I talk to the head of the company, and he tells me it’s the best isolation there is according to all recent studies in your typical happy go lucky businessman-voice. He is also my landlord, kinda, and I live on a small neighboring farm which I have arrendated for many many years and I have made it pretty good for myself. He is rich and powerful though he isn’t power-grabbing or cruel, but he does see things very black or white. (To quote Mr Darcy himself: My good opinion once lost is lost forever.) My child finds a hutch with rabbits that he feeds some grass through the “fence”, and I notice it’s a small space for such large rabbits (they seem pretty young). I think they’re probably meat rabbits, which makes my child upset because he doesn’t want them to be killed. I tell him he can have ONE to take home/save, and I’m sure it will be fine because there is a lot of them. I open the cage and start checking the gender of the rabbits, because I think it’s more likely the does will be kept alive than the bucks, so I think it makes most sense to pick a buck. There’s only two of them so the kid picks one, though a little sad, and I tell them to go home. But then before I can close the cage a dog looking like a jack russel comes and fast as lightning gets into the cage, scooping up most of the rabbits into it’s mouth (due to dream logic they are now really really tiny) and runs away. I chase after it, and makes it drop the rabbits, but they’re all dead. The owner then comes around with a couple of other guys and notices, get really upset, I tell him I saw the dogs with the rabbits and chased after it. The cage had been overturned (which it had been when the dog jumped in it). It’s a lie, and I can tell he’s suspicious because they question that the dog could flip the cage from the outside, but he doesn’t have any proof of either so he agrees to what I says.

I know we won’t be allowed there anymore. The worker mentions a house/land I semi-recently inherited from a relative at the very north of the country, a long way even by car or train in modern times but a LOONG way to travel without them. I have never seen the place and I know for sure it’s not as great of a farmers land as I got here and mostly forest and cold, but it’s the only choice we got. I go check on the animals and we have a bunch of cows and pigs with piglets and chickens. We got three good draft horses. I’m not sure how we’re supposed to bring them all, but we can’t just leave them to die. I pick up two piglets from their mothers that both lie on their side inside a barn like they are sleeping and bring them outside for the first time, let them run around and jump and have fun. When I’m about to put them back though I don’t know which one is which so I put them down hoping it’ll be fine. But the mama pig gets angry at having a baby that’s not hers, and start squealing angrily and jumping and so does the other pig because of it. They are kinda fighting there and I can’t get inside to make them stop because they are large animals and well, I can’t just get in between. But when they settle down they have trampled the piglets and they are both dead. I feel like hope is lost. I leave, but there is some pigs that also get out because idk if something happened during the fight and some door opened maybe. A man who is a worker at our farm since forever, more or less family, is there. I tell him to slaughter the pigs that got out because I am completely down in the dopes and I don’t know how we’re gonna take them with us anyway. He doesn’t want to but agrees if he get like half the money or something. I agree, i don’t really care either way. I know we have to leave soon because the landlord is gonna come and he’s gonna take revenge. He’s not going to be merciful. We pack a carriage with horses and some cows and stuff trailing behind and start moving, but we don’t get far before we’re suddenly attacked by the landlord and several men with weapons. Our carriage is tipped and (for some reason) our animals felt in the fields are attacked/killed by rhinos. Knowing we have no chance, the older men try to give something to the child, hide him under something and tell him to close his eyes (as I swift pov to the boy) and everything goes black.

I am told a story about a man on Iceland who sold tobacco. He was the only person on the island who got tobacco so he have made a lot of money, and he also have huge chunks of farmland which he arrends to the townsfolk. But with time he turns greedy and doubles the prize of the tobacco  to something the modest people of the town can’t possibly afford. They instead all decide to work through their addiction and stop using tobacco. When he no longer get any customers, the man gets angry and tries to threaten people into buying his tobacco or he will not let them hire the fields, but they don’t have the money either way so what happens is his land isn’t farmed and everyone else have saved every possible piece of food for the winter, as usual, but he have always relied on getting a part of the food from the farmers on his land that now have given nothing - all he got is some cans with herring and it’s starting to get cold. He still have money but it’s useless, as no one will sell their food they themselves need to him. So he freeze-starve to death due to his own greed and stupidity.

I “wake up” outside the mans old cottage, and I can just about see the town from there placed in the middle of a ravine. The landscape as far as I can see is barren and very tundra-like. It’s autumn or early spring, and it’s getting dark out as I start walking towards town. I am a late teenager, a girl I think. It’s not a long trek, especially since it’s downhill, but when I get there it mostly seems pretty much everyone is inside already. Which I can’t blame them for, since it’s cold and dark. There is light in the windows and one place seems to be a bar or something else with party going on inside. There is a strict looking police woman standing outside talking to some people, and I hide in the shadows and between people. It’s not that anyone can tell by just looking at me but I also know that somehow, there is this kind of magic I have and there is people that doesn’t like that and as such I am technically an outlaw. I notice someone walking around on the rooftops, so I also climb up there, balancing at the top of the triangle roof with not too much problem. The person up there swiftly moves and stop me from stepping on the middle tile (with a nail in) as that nail (possibly because it’s metal?) is a trap for magic beings. It would diminish our power and alert them of our presence right away. He leads me from the houses up on the top of the cliff, and there is a rabbit sized hole in the mountain which is his home apparently. He can shapeshift. I can’t, so, shucks.

However, in the town below there is the police woman and someone else and they speak some riddles. The hole is way too small for me, so I sit outside and listen to them coming up with some to amuse myself. After they have figured all theirs out, I loudly tell them another riddle thinking it was just for fun. Instead the police woman’s face snaps towards me as they notice me, and she starts climbing up some stairs to get me/kill me? I’m a good climber tho so I just start running over the mountain. Fuckn rude.

She is getting closer though, more athletic than I am.  But then the other magic person appears from (my perspective) out of nowhere to help me, in the shape of a yappy small pomeranian dog. However as him and the police woman see each other they stop dead in their tracks. Then somehow it turns out they are soul mates. (And it’s that he’s a dog here, specifically, because she’s very much aromantic. Like. They are soulmates but not romantic.) And…. So she doesn’t care about me anymore. Neither of them do. I move back to the hole, and somehow I can now figure out how to get inside it.

And what happens is I once again wake up somewhere else, as someone else. There is a train transporting both humans and cargo in different carriages. I am an adult woman, together with another adult woman who is my friend and a little kid who is my sister or her sister, I’m not sure. It’s modern day. We sneak on board somehow first at the cargo part then through a window and hide in the back with all the luggage, before noticing there is actually some extra seats there. I however move a bit too close and some rude middle aged lady of course decide we are there illegally (well we are but you know still rude, you don’t know our story) and tell someone that come to check everyone’s tickets. The ones in the back are fine, we fake it somehow, it’s just me with a clearly fake ticket. I start talking to distract him and pretend to search for the ticket, but then the train stops out of nowhere and he leaves to go check what is going on.

We look outside. A horse have fallen onto the tracks from (presumably) having escaped from close by. The tracks have got some serious voltage running though them for some reason, and the horse have been electrocuted by stepping on them. If the train hadn’t stopped because of the horse, we’d all have been killed. We get to go outside to the side of the road, where they call for some kind of help. Personally I hitch a ride with a truck I believe, but that causes everything to go black and switch again.

I am a girl again, early teens. I am back on a train. This train looks like the ones you have in the metro rather than go across the country, with a couple people seated a bit of everywhere. I am a witch, people call me so - an older woman ask me to help her son or grandson idk, he have had a disease of the throat and  become mute. I want to help but the magic is just rarely really what you want, it’s trickster-y and I don’t know how to use it properly either way. I manage to give him his voice back, but in exchange the magic exchange his eyes for buttons like in Coraline. The old woman get angry, and the kid is upset, because it was easier being mute than blind. I didn’t mean to have it happen, but now all the people in the train are rioting against me and I once again switch.

I’m a young woman, late teens or early 20s. It’s modern day and it’s a big town, but it feels off somehow and kind of uncanny valley. It’s normal, but it’s not. I feel like I have to keep looking over my shoulder. I find a nursery home and it’s possibly the first place I see people entering so I go inside too, and notice that in between all the elderly there is a tough looking teenage girl with purple hair in a wheelchair acting like one of them. I question what she is doing there, but she gets angry. None of the old people want to acknowledge it, they just kinda ignore what I’m saying like they are afraid to talk about it. I ask one old man very detailed questions to get him to see that she is much younger, but when he actually does seem to realize she stands up and starts hitting him with a wooden stick so he fall down. I feel like something is too off and get the hell out of there, finding my way back to a train station to go “home”. (I am constantly on the move towards somewhere here but I can’t say where this home is) It’s pretty easy to find as it’s in the middle of the city, not to mention very large and almost looks like a roller coaster rather than train tracks. There is several levels. I get on a train, and there is many other people in it. To my D: D: I notice also the purple haired girl in the wheelchair, though it doesn’t seem to be voluntarily as she looks grumpy as ever. The people in this wagon have been invited and they are going on a trip. They’re all pretty young, except two adult people that is the chaperones I guess. The train starts moving, but not for long until it stops out of nowhere, doors opening and suddenly there is these metal bars keeping some people, including me and the person next to me, stuck to their seats. One of the chaperones leaves through the doors, going to find out what is going on. But as soon as they’re out, the door slams shut and the other chaperons stands up and picks a gun out of his pocket. People start to panic, but he explains that this is just a trap and the metal bar things? They catch magic people. The ones that are stuck are magic people and he’s here to kill them only.

The person next to me start screaming bloody murder in anger, and I use the time to use my own magic to create my own gun. I have started learning somewhat how you do it. I also haveno idea how to use it, so I know I’m only buying us time somehow. The guy next to me is shot in the head, and I’m lucky I’m kinda hidden behind some people so I am not next as he start picking off people. And I manage to get out of the metal bindings, but I don’t know how to get away - but the purple haired girl was seated behind me and she is ALSO one of the magics, and she asks for the gun and I give it to her because I’m panicking and I don’t know what to do. She does do, as she take it and shoot the Chaperone’s gun into a million pieces and I think he gets knocked out. The doors open again without him doing whatever he did, and I tell the girl we gotta go, leave. But she is refusing, since she can’t take the chair out as it’s stuck. I tell her she doesn’t even actually need the chair, she can use the magic to move herself. She still claims she can’t though, in a way that is clearly 100% being a shithead that doesn’t want to agree with me and not her actually being honest about it, so I think I end up figuring we don’t have the time and throw her like, onto my back and starts running off instead. She gets really mad because that seems to be her thing. When I let her down on her insistence she have no trouble and no magic to walk at all, and I ask wtf her issue is pretending to be elderly and disabled. I don’t get an answer.

As my sense of magic grows stronger and we get closer to a city again I start noticing we leave some kind of magic residue trail in the air behind us, like colors. I realize we might also be followed through those and it explains how some of these people hunting knew to go after us. I come up with some probably way too elaborate plan tbh to throw anyone following us off. I ask the other girl to split up and just run to the left at what looks like a lot of tall apartment buildings and then hide, expecting fully for this guy to go after me for some reason that had either to do with thinking the other girl would be much easier to capture so it’d be better to find me first, or that I’d be easier so they’d go catch me first. Either way it was all hanging on them going after me and not her. I go to something that might be an old train station, but it’s more a small city official office building by now and the trains placed in the tunnel in the back are just for show. Either way I sneak through to the back where I like, walk on top of the train and then jump up to a second level, sneaking through a window into a storage, then through a window in that room into an office. By then I have created some kind of illusion which is covering me, so none of the workers can actually see me. I think they might be seeing another employee I had briefly seen on my way in. I walk through towards the exit, but I spot the guy (The Chaperone guy) coming just before I step into the lobby and he’s walking through, following my trail like I expected. As soon as he is out of sight I book it, knowing he’s gonna take some time climbing around inside to follow me but he is none the less close, and go where I told the other girl to wait.

She is outside an apartment building by some mountain, not hard to find, and it’s starting to snow. It’s getting dark and we won’t be able to keep running like this. I use my magic once again now to steal a car parked in front of the house - not the nicest one I could find, one that wouldn’t make people look twice. Also pretty sure I specifically look for one that is manual because shit I can’t drive. I feel a bit bad about it because this is not some rich people neighborhood. The girl get in the passenger seat, and I drive away finding my way to a bigger road. The car moves too fast for our trail to be seen, and so we loose anyone tracking us.

I sigh in relief, and keeps driving towards home.