#those three people ill deal with myself.

[3416]

not mitch being on the list of most overrated players... he lives so rent free in some peoples minds, that's wild

[observethewalrus]

I got an event notification from one of the old dungeons I used to go to all the time. They’re having a casual socializing event in a few weeks, kinda like a munch but there’ll still be play allowed. They specifically advertised it as a “dating apps suck, meet people in person” thing. I’m really tempted to go, but I just remembered part of the reason I stopped going to events like this was because pretty much everyone was always straight. People are usually cool but I never had much luck meeting queer people at general mixers like this

years ago I swore once I got a job with a stable schedule I’d organize my own queer only munch cuz I never found a casual event like that for us at the time. Damn I really thought I’d have the energy to do that

[positivelyqueer]

hi to any teenagers who might be reading this. I’d like to give you one perspective on ‘it gets better’ as a very mentally ill queer trans twenty something.

I am no less mentally ill than I was as a high schooler. Differently sure but not less. I still struggle a lot. But I’m so much better at dealing with it. Life is no longer one long grey drudge. I’m not confined within it.

I continue to constantly grow and evolve. I learn new things about myself all the time. I lean into old hobbies. I dress how I want. I get piercings and tattoos. I understand what my autism is and treat myself kindly because of it. I trans my gender in new, fun and authentic ways.

And I have so much choice now. I can cover my bed in plush animals. I can buy floral bowls from second hand stores that remind me of my nan. I can eat dinosaur shaped pasta out of those bowls. I can make friends with so many people, not just the two or three dozen I was locked in with in my high school. I can try new hobbies. I can join clubs. I can decide one day I want to take the train to the beach. I can paint my light switch covers. I can volunteer. I can learn. This choice can be terrifying but it is also so so freeing.

I’m carving out the life I want to live, even if the only tool I have is my bloodied fingers. Please stay. It’s worth it. I promise.

[theminecraftbee]

as my frankly slightly embarrassing level of hyperfixation on survivor continues, I find myself trying to combine my two current interests in new and exciting ways. having fun imagining what the various hermitcraft guys would be like in survivor. some thoughts:

doc would ABSOLUTELY be one of the “villains” of the early season, strong and good at survival but terrible social gameplay. he would think he has fantastic strategic gameplay and his attempts to strong-arm camp to do what he wants are for the benefit of his tribe. his TRIBE would decide after about three days that they want him dead. not the first boot because he’s too good at challenges to go first but the first moment he fucks up at all he’s Gone. does not make it to the merge. is confused and frustrated by this the entire time.

scar, by contrast, is one of those players you watch and whisper to yourself “he can’t keep getting away with this”. he’s in like three mutually-exclusive alliances, but he’s so likable and charismatic you can kind of forget that his whole thing is lying to everyone all the time. every tribal council he’s in SOMEONE proposes him as the weak link in challenges and every time he’s managed to convince the tribe there’s some other, better boot. there’s probably at least one player (maybe grian) who knows he’s lying to everyone, is harboring a grudge, and has no idea why everyone keeps on going along with this man’s schemes. definitely makes it to the merge but from there it’s a toss-up if he makes it to FTC or if his dalliances come back to bite him. if he makes it to FTC though he has higher odds of losing in jury to everyone who he betrayed than he does managing to pull off a win, especially if his FTC is with people who can put challenge wins or loyalty in their speeches to the jury.

cleo strikes me as a player who ends up with an early alliance that she is doggedly loyal to until the end. probably fun to watch because her confessionals are sarcastic and she’s unafraid to insult her fellow contestants, but her loyalty to her day one crew makes her storyline come across as heroic. probably one of the better challenge players and would help carry her tribe, though she probably wouldn’t “lead” it. I can see her being the final surviving member of her alliance either in her tribe or post-merge, but I can’t see her wheeling and dealing into a new alliance if hers doesn’t end up as the majority alliance; instead, she does everything she can to save her allies, and then she goes out. a season she’d win is one where she’s in the majority alliance, seen as a lesser threat when she gets to the merge by the other players, and manages to go to FTC having made no one mad and with at least a few good plays under her belt. otherwise I see her as a late boot, but going out with her allies.

grian would make people MAD, but not in a “get rid of him immediately” way like doc. a bit of an agent of chaos, but if anything would set off grian’s bossy project manager instincts, survivor would. ends up kind of the “leader” of his tribe, both for good—he’s hard to boot early—and for ill—he pisses people off and he’s a very visible threat. I think he’d be good at finding idols and is good enough at keeping himself around. his survival I think depends on the willingness of other alliances to believe him when he flips his vote to save his skin and how good he is at keeping immunity; i think there’s not a world where he can manage his threat level well enough not to be targeted, but I think there’s a one where he manages to keep himself around despite that. if he makes it to FTC he either wins by being able to honestly say he had the best game or loses because the jury’s bitter against him, no in-between.

iskall would be one of the capital-c Characters of a season I think, whether he goes early or late. he’s friendly, decent at challenges, and, most importantly to the producers, just weird as hell enough to make good tv. probably gets more screen time than his gameplay deserves because he’s pegged as a potential fan-favorite. another player who makes a few close early alliances and sticks to them, but less doggedly loyal than cleo and more likely to seriously consider flipping. he DOESN’T, but he thinks about it. I don’t see him as a post-merge player honestly, I don’t think his strategic play is great, but I do see him as someone who gets to come back for another season to try again.

joe is already a capital-c Character. I think he’d be someone who is way too stressed out by survivor gameplay to play well, attaches himself to an alliance and then is Terrified for the rest of the game of messing up. however he’s ALSO fun as a guy and probably just Says Shit during tribal councils. that saying shit either gets him further than his gameplay would deserve or gets him booted SUPER early. he does not regret getting booted early; he wouldn’t quit but he would decide that it’s better for his heart to not be on the island. I think he’d be a surprise sleeper at challenges; not so much physically strong as someone who is VERY good at all the mental ones.

and these are just the ones I have thought of off the top of my head if anyone else has opinions. please share. this is fun.

[vampirememory]

quality ✧ do you need to lower or raise your standards? [Love PAC]

Hello! I believe this is my first pick a card of 2024, I hope you appreciate the topic I chose. This is something that I recently had to recognize and deal with myself, so hopefully you find this reading helpful.

Pick a photo or a number one through three and continue reading to find your reading.

One

No, absolutely not. If anything, your standards are too low. You are like me, at least myself a few weeks/months ago when I did not value myself. You need to understand that you are 100% valuable and loved, and that there is nothing that can depreciate your value. You may have been overconsuming readings, questioning as to why you continue getting into toxic relationships or completely lack a relationship and it's because you have a negative sense of self. Listening to self-worth or self concept subliminals may help you. You are worthy of a healthy, happy relationship but you need to be healthy yourself first. Now keep in mind, healthy does not mean without illnesses. I know from my experience with depression, I will never be healthy, but you CAN have a healthy outlook on life and a healthy sense of self, which is what you are looking for. Especially for my mentally ill friends, no one (not here, at least) is expecting you to be 100% healthy but to be as healthy as you can be, if that makes sense.

Two

Girlie, I hate to tell you but your standards are high as fuck. But is that a bad thing? You tell me. To be clear, when I say girlie I am 100% being gender neutral, this reading is for everyone ^-^! You're giving boss bitch energy, but are you actually a boss bitch? One thing about having high standards is that you also need to meet those standards yourself and you need to ask yourself "would someone like that want to date me"? For example, if you're really aiming for a basketball player or the top CEO, are you actually in a mental and physical space where that will happen? Are you out on the courts, networking and integrating yourself into sports environments? Are you working your way up to the top, making connections with higher ups and building a good reputation? I think you may have good standards, but you aren't reaching them yourself or not putting yourself in environments where you'll meet said person. Also make sure you are actually maintaining those standards too. If you think education is important, and you're actively in education and want someone else who is too, why settle for someone who hates education or isn't looking to educate themselves? Things like that make all the difference. If you want to talk the talk, you need to walk the walk too.

Three

This pile gives me much softer vibes than the other two piles. Your standards and romantic requests may be more traditional, you may want the house and the kids and the white picket fence and that's totally fine! I think you're doing well in terms of your standards, you uphold them and you aren't putting yourself in situations where you are with people who are against that dream or against those standards. I do need to warn you, however, that there are a lot of exploitive people out there, especially when it comes to wanting a more traditional homelife. Waiting is a completely fine thing to do. Don't jump at the first person that looks nice and ticks all the boxes because they may be lying. I don't see terrible things happening for you but I feel like I needed to include a warning. Just be careful and you'll get your wishes <3.

Thats all for today my friends! Check out my masterlist for my previous readings and remember to stay safe in this crazy world! Feel free to send asks with any topics you would like to see in the future.

[dnpanimationstudioclone]

Niffty Redesign🐛

Made my own take on Niffty for Fun!!!!!!!!💖 I def thought a lot on what to try with her!!!!

Pushed for a more 50’s Housewife aesthetic/hotel maid vibe. She’s wearing a pinafore apron which was very popular during that era and I took the poodle skirt idea and reworked it into the apron, but rather than a poodle it’s a bug 🐛. Also brought back warmer colors like the pilot look had. Pastel yellow was def a pop color!

Also added a name tag as to show she works for the hotel 🏨

Added more splotches and made them bigger on her apron. Polkadots were popular in that time and I think are cute(lot of her concepts had polka dots on her) plus I can see her wanting people to assume she’s a ladybug or Asian Lady Beetle 🐞 (@peeperscreeperz made a take of Niffty being that which is AMAZING and I considered making her that too but I ended up going a different route). I can see her also wanting them to give off flowers…only for most people to see them as blood stains.🌸🩸

Also gave her those iconic cleaning gloves 🧤. Shes the Hotels maid AND cook afterall 🧽 👩‍🍳

Gave her a bandana bow for the housewife and maid look and because I think it’s cute and lowkey gives off antennae. I LOVE the idea of her being a bug demon so I went with that. I was going for a subtle ambiguity of what she’s suppose to be(she’s hiding what she is).

Gave her warmer eye color back! Also made the pupil more leaf shaped 🍃.

Added gradient for her limbs.

Added extra limbs. Great for extra cleaning 🧹 🧼

Her hairs actually antennae…and extra legs 🦵

Gave her three fingers.

Made her eye bigger(bugs often got big eyes! Or for her case eye 👁️)

Added a lil bug instead of a poodle for her apron!🪳

For her color motif, went back to warmer colors and because for mine I’m going with a rainbow motif she’s Yellow💛🌈 the color known for its positives such as joy and friendship…but can also mean negative things such as Deceit, illness and often used as a warning color⚠️ it was also a popular color for Sci-Fi posters(she was based on B-Alien Movies)

Made her skin a kinda warm pastel orange🧡 I missed her having a warm palette but I also get why they changed it due to her roots 🇯🇵. So I went with orange!!!! Her hairs also a more brownish red-orange.

For her bug theme,

I went with something that I figure would connect her both to her ability to take down pests so well and Japanese origins. The Japanese Centipede! Centipedes are great for pest control but apparently to Japan they’re considered symbols of evil and rottenness, plus with how they look they often scare people even those they don’t pose serious threats to humans, which I think fits Niffty’s whole desire to be loved only to accidentally scare people away…shunned & unloved by a world she can’t seem to fit in💔

HUGE Spoiler alert!!!! Hazbin Hotel

With the reveal of Husk being once an Overlord I like to believe the same with Niffty but rather than souls(talked about this with @a-sterling-rose, she was an immensely powerful sinner like Alastor, but alas her form was far too big and scary for people to want to get close to and she was alone…until Alastor offered her a deal he’d provide a more approachable form in return for her eternal service)

A lot of her looks meant to be hiding what she is. Disguising her extra limbs as hair, her body’s color scheme based on a centipedes, poofy dress that could cover extra, even the bug design could be Interpreted as a long centipede. I was also going for a subtle sharp, mini legs for her apron ruffles, giving off her trying to look sweet and soft but could also be interpreted in another way…

I read and learned from a @lovesart23 redesign vid for her that, she was meant to be based on B-Alien Movies. LOVE that and I tried it myself(hardest part was figuring out what bug to make her and what themes to go with) but I ended up going for another Sci-Fi route. Kaiju/Giant Bug monsters. Creatures like Godzilla or those giant bugs creatures like “the Tingler” 1959(which was a centipede monster I read). I figure it’d connect well to both her struggles of fitting in but also her Japanese Roots.

Monsters are tragic beings. They are born too tall, too strong, too heavy. They are not evil by choice. That is their tragedy. They do not attack people because they want to, but because of their size and strength, mankind has no other choice but to defend himself. After several stories such as this, people end up having a kind of affection for the monsters. They end up caring about them."

— Ishir⁠ō Honda The Director of Godzilla

Plus some certain Kaijus could qualify as Aliens!.

There’s even a Yokai/demon based on the centipede know as the Ōkumade!

CW freaky Pictures of centipedes and Mice

What do u think? I’d love to know💖

I’ve also done Charlie, Vaggie and Angel🍎🦋🕷️

[inthemaelstrom]

So we're about six weeks out from another "most important election of my lifetime" and it's predictably making me literally sick to my stomach. When Trumpacabra got elected in 2016, I threw myself into politics in a way I never had in my lifetime and it almost wrecked me. I was one of those people who never voted for religious reasons (long, separate story) and I felt I had to make up for lost time. By the time 2020 rolled around, I was an unhealthy mess. I had stopped reading. Everything. When I wasn't watching MSNBC and political commentators obsessively, I started consuming absolute junk TV: home improvement shows, crack paranormal ghost hunter crap, etc. Things with no plot, no emotional investment, no danger. No fear.

Right before the 2020 election, old fanfic friends from my days in the Master and Apprentice Star Wars listserv found me and saved me.

They dragged me back into fandom, introduced me to Discord, and got me writing again. I updated a story I hadn't touched in 5 years. I made new friends online and in RL. I got some great fiction and fic recs from those friends and discovered a subgenre called Hopepunk—low stakes fiction with very little if any violence and fear and with happy endings. (Becky Chambers writes a lot of what I read, and Amy Crook has also become a favorite.)

One morning, I had one of those really vivid, realistic, linear plot dreams that literally dragged me out of bed to the keyboard. It was a meet-cute modern au of The Phantom Menace's characters, set in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I cranked out about 2000 words the first day. Then another 2000. Then another 2000. Then another 2000. And so on every damn day for the next four years until I had four novels, about 668k words, several timestamps written by three other collaborators who've come on board, some beautiful art I've been allowed to use, and now a fifth book in the works.

This is the Yooperverse.

It's not just The Fic That Saved Me, it's the place where I'm writing a vision of what the world could be like into being. A place where people with fucking obscene amounts of money don't spend it on themselves, or hoard it, or exploit other people to get more, but use it to help other people. It's a place where people who are bigoted dicks either get their comeuppance and crawl back under their rocks, or learn better and do better. It's a place where abused kids get rescued, everybody gets therapy and healthcare and is paid a living wage, people learn to value themselves and each other, and protect each other and defend each other. It's kinky and queer (although I'm neither) and above all, if not entirely safe to be both, I'm trying to write both things as just being another setting on the dryer. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's not a utopia, by any means, because there are still assholes and the government is still ... the government, and capitalism is still a thing. There's some danger, especially in the first book, and there are accidents and illnesses and the vagaries of life. In the middle of the series, I had spinal surgery and was out of commission for a few months and that made me start thinking more about my main character dealing with aging and the limitations thereof. There's a LOT of mental health issues and the working through thereof, and a lot of ongoing process. Nobody's perfect. The world outside is still pretty much what it is. But in the little corners where my characters dwell, life is pretty dang good, sometimes great.

It's a vision of a life we all deserve. It's the thing I loved about Star Trek's universe, where people's basic needs are cared for and the obstacles to them developing their best selves removed. It's what I've loved about science fiction in general, especially Ursula LeGuin's: that opportunity to explore possibilities that are better than the present. It's modeled on the MacArthur Genius grants, but you don't have to prove your worthiness first. My main character invests in people's potential, young or old, with scholarships and grants and a steadying hand. His partner builds low or no-cost housing for people in need. There's an informal network of queer and straight kid rescuing going on under the noses of unfriendly governments and failed social service safety nets. The main characters build refuges, literal and emotional. They love each other fiercely and respectfully.

Right now, we're living in a country that is almost the antithesis of these ideas, for far too many of us. People are being manipulated by their fears, which are stoked by unscrupulous, lying shitbag politicians whose all too real evil would never make it past the pitch if you were going to try to sell it as a TV show or movie. They're consciously turning us on each other with lies about our common humanity, about the state of our country, about who and what's responsible for many of its faults, sewing suspicion and hate. And though the Yooperverse started as my personal comfort fic, I'm trying in my very small way to counteract what's happening in the world right now.

I've always believed in the power of story to change people's minds and lives, and I've experienced it myself. When I talk about story, I don't just mean fiction, though. I mean the narratives we tell ourselves and others about our own lives as a whole and day by day or moment by moment. I mean the stories we tell about each other when we're together, at the bar, at wakes, at a party. I mean the stories we invest in as fans in whatever kind of media we consume. I mean the stories we spin for ourselves and others to explain what the everloving fuck is wrong with the world.

Stories aren't separate from the world, they are the world. They tell it into being. They give it shape and purpose and meaning and a sense of possibility. Whatever stories we tell ourselves or each other about how things should be or how we should act as human beings (also called our "beliefs" or "morals" or "ethics"), they shape us, and we shape society. We are society, both together and as individuals. One person with a big voice and a story can tip a mass of people into either violence or solidarity.

I have no illusions that the Yooperverse will ever have that kind of power. It has a tiny audience on AO3 and Discord and it's mostly written for me to explore the things I feel deeply about, and wish I could do, and to teach myself to be a better person and live up to my own ideals. It's a world I'd like to manifest, to call into being, even in a small way. Even if it's just a story.

[carpedzem]

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

[lucianalight]

Hi! I'm back :) after another long hiatus😅 I have missed all of you❤️

First of all a huge thank you to everyone who were worried and asked about my health and how I was doing. I wasn't doing well tbh. I'm one of those people who had the misfortune of never quite recovering from covid. I already had one chronic illness that was messing up my life and health. Having another on top of that takes a lot of physical, emotional and mental toll and limits my energy greatly. So I needed time to get used to my new reality and condition and learn to how manage it and live with it. It's still a work in progress and doctor appointments are seeming endless but at least some meds are helping. So there's that.

You probably already know the second reason why I wasn't doing well. I've seen terrible things…And you need time to process them. To grieve, to deal with trauma and survivor's guilt, and nurture your anger and keep fighting, keep resisting…

And well, internet connection still sucks so using social media is kind of an ordeal :D

There were a lot of times that I wanted to come back on tumblr but every time some issue would come up and take my motivation and energy. Then two weeks ago, after I couldn't crush the little ray of hope that maybe this time I'm going to see sth I like, I started watching season 2 of Loki. I watched it while promising myself that I'm not going to care anymore if it's bad, reminding myself that I might see sth as bad as season 1. Still I was surprised that I didn't hate it. On the contrary there were moments that were entertaining and even enjoyable. And those moments were more than the ones I dislike. It was better than season 1 and admittedly that's a low bar since I consider S1 one of the worst tv shows I've ever seen, but there were noticeable changes in pace and tone of the narrative and characterization in S2. Some issues in S1 was addressed. Loki was actually the main character of his series and got to do badass magic stuff :D The characters were flesh out and three dimensional and likable(I love OB so much :D). There was no romance. The ending was great.

There were of course things I didn't like. Removing Loki's backstory and his issues with his family from the story is one of them. How some of his moments in past was addressed. The episodes at times got boring or very predictable. There were times that Loki was ooc or comedic moments that weren't delivered well.

It wasn't perfect but at least acceptable. And probably the best Loki content we got since TDW. And I liked the ending a lot. I found myself keep going back to rewatch some scenes. I found myself analyzing the content happily. I had things to say. So here I am :D basically I'm 100% back to my Loki bs and I'm making it everyone's problem :P

Whether you loved the series or hated it, you're welcome on my blog and you're welcome to send me your opinions and engage with me in discussions and metas. I will tag posts accordingly in case you want to avoid certain content(tbh I still don't know what the new tags will be because I haven't written anything yet but I will make a post when I do).

There will be posts of some new fandoms so block their tags if you don't want to see those posts. The new fandoms are Sandman tv show(I haven't finished the comics so plz don't spoil them for me), Wednesday, My Hero Academia, Shadow and Bone, and The Bifrost Incident.

As I mentioned above I'm dealing with multiple chronic illnesses and have a limited energy each day. I will try to answer your messages, comments and asks as soon as I can but it might take a long time. Sry about that.

And finally a warm welcome to all the new followers and thanks to everyone who are still following me❤️

[ronoholic]

unfair dare | draco m. 🪄x reader| (she/her)

"Could you write an angst fic with draco malfoy? where draco and his friends make a bet that draco has to conquer y/ n, in the end he succeeds and they become a couple, but draco begins to have feelings for her, then she finds out and ends up with him confronting him and draco feels so bad😕":

*a/n: I added some adjustments to the request bc I got a little confused 😅 and im back so I just rambled on with what my mind was giving me so hope you enjoy!! &lt;3🙏🏽

“draco! draco!” his friend came

“What?” He grumbled out turning to now face Blaise

“you up for some fun?” any interest that draco had, dropped

“no, now get out” he turned to continue the work he was doing

"it involves (y/n)"

and what would i want with a skank like her?" he turned, with a look of disgust

" y'know the rumors arent true... you made them" Blaise was the only one who would notice Draco’s admiration for (y/n) but knows Draco would never admit, no he’d much rather “kill himself” in the words of the angry blonde.

"Still, ive got to hold my ground, cant go folding on my own stories" the blonde fully turned to face his friend, with a face of intrest and forgetting his work

"what about her though?"

"ask her out"

"what" he laughed out in disbelief

"ask her out, i saw the redhead talking to her"

"so?"

"she looked swooned, over the moon with him... I dare you to take her, make him mad" blaise knew you and ron were just friends, he also knew that draco didn’t know that.. and he’d do anything to spite weasley and he wanted his two friends together and to finally put aside their feud

"i dont have time to deal with weasley, blaise"

"guess someones insecure.." he hummed leaving the room.

"ill show him who’s “insecure” he mumbled in a mocking way lightly slamming his hands on the desk.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“Blaise!” “Blaise!” Draco stormed after him

“what?” he asked rolling his eyes, his friend not wanting to join in on what he thought was fun

“ you’re on, after potions”

“ oh yeah?” he asked, a smirk creeping onto his face

“ and ill even drop in a hundred galleons”

“ohhoho you are most definitely on mate” they laughed sealing their deal with a hand shake.

the blond tried to think of all his strategy on how to land the girl his friend had just sprung on him, but anything he thought of ended up with her slapping, kicking or punching him, after all she was friends with those red heads; and everyone knows they how they play.

“ now welcome back to another day students, thankful to all those who still decide to come back after my well, rather boring lessons” the professor tried to joke

“ now my lovelies, we will be working in pairs.. we’ll be doing a three day long project and it will count for your final marks”

she started calling out pairs and draco tried his best to make it seemed like he wanted nothing to do with you, after all he knew the teacher would do the opposite, she hated him.

her eyes finally landed on draco and she started looking at every girl watching dracos reaction until it got to you, he stiffened up and widened his eyes making it look like he was disgusted, blaise smiling in the background had her make her final decision

“ draco, you will be working with…. (y/n)” she gave an innocent smile, and he heard an annoyed sigh quietly escape from her mouth.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

( y/n)! I cant believe it, out of all people, draco?!”

“ its not like I could choose myself hermione” you replied, now slightly annoyed, this was the fourth time she had brought it up

“I know but-"

“ do you wanna switch or something? you're more concerned about this than I am!” you whisper-yelled out in the library

“no, well , yeah no.. im just looking out for you, he still y’know, acts like the rumors are true.., are you okay?”

“ugh I know..” you sighed out, sitting back down rubbing youre temples

“ its nothing to bad, I can deal with him.. i think”

“ well, if you need help you know where to find me” she gave you a comforting smile while leaving.

A few months earlier

“i told you to leave me alone (y/n)!”

“what's wrong afraid of a little competition Draco?” a young (y/n) had teased the young blonde she found slightly cute

“ no, now I told you, leave me alone or I'll make your life terrible here!” he seethed out, pushing the girl he was intimidated of to the floor.

you still tried to continue the friendship you thought you still had with the blonde throughout the time at hogwarts, until one day you noticed people whispering and snickering whenever you’d walk up or walk away from draco.

“(y/n) .. is it true? you’re my best friend I want to hear it from you.” hermione knew something was up and she needed you to confirm whether it was true or not.

you slowly looked up still confused “is what true mione?”

“they’re saying you had a few to many to drink yesterday and well went to find draco begging , and well you tried getting onto him and when he turned you away you tried getting onto blaise, also begging... ”

“what?..” you felt your heart shatter.

you walked up to draco after class and pulled him into a corner to save him some dignity “

“you absolute scum!” you yelled out while smacking him

“how could you?, honestly draco!”

“c’mon (y/n) you didn’t think someone like you could be friends with someone like me, did you he let out a sarcastic chuckle

“well I mean yeah draco I did!, I mean honestly I guess growing up with someone since they were young means nothing right?!” you were fuming, tears starting to brim your eyes but you pushed them back

“growing up?” he laughed

“yeah! seriously draco whats gotten into since we’ve arrived here? whats changed?” your heart started to hurt

“(y/n) your dad works for mine, he’s a servant, hell! he’s the closest thing to a human house elf!”

he said with a straight face, angered, but for a small second hurt crossed his face but having to keep his new character he switched back and just as fast as his face changed, he left. and so did the friendship you thought you had. walking back to the common room as fast as you could, trying to hold in the tears that were brimming your eyes.. sadly failing at the challenge you didn’t think was so hard.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

“thanks for checking up on me, this whole thing has had me a bit stressed” you finally admitted to hermione

“of course, now if you need anything, anything at all you know where to find me.. oh! and tonights password it “grapefruit”” she whispered out knowing the fat lady changes the secret word every night.

you walked back to your chair by the fire place and dove back into your books trying to figure out what potions were going to be the ones you were so secure on

“up so late?” a voice that freshly woken up, asked from behind

“yes … draco” you saw who it was after turning around “after all we do have a project to get to” you reminded him

“ yes of course we do..” “ listen go up and get some rest”

“no, nope-

“yes” he said softly while grabbing the books from you

“draco i said -

“yes but i said go, now go get some rest.. i’ll tell you the decided ones in the morning.”

you suspiciously got up, backing up and walking up the stairs

“late night? (y/n)"

“yes, guess you could say the same right blaise”

“i’ve been around a few common rooms” he winked

“i don’t know why they’re still all after you knowing they’re all being used..” you joked out

“they’re used to being used” he shrugged “ like draco said, go get some rest… and again i’m sorry, (y/n).”

blaise has always apologized for the things draco has done, knowing he’s hurt the girl whose absolutely nothing to him, he felt bad never standing up for her.

“its okay don’t worry” you assured with a sad smile, like always “good night, blaise”

“night!” he whisper-yelled while walking down to draco.

"that girl, im telling you shes the one"

"yeah you and my whole family tell me, now remember what we bet on is a bet and a bet only"

"yeah Draco.. its just a bet..."

blaise had been wanting to get you two together since you were young, he noticed how happy draco was when he was around you, you were his escape inside the manor, you were the one who could flip his mood entirely, he also knew that dracos family would never approve of you two together.

[magicanddaggers]

Announcement

I am officialy putting Gale and Astarion on low activity/highly selective status. There's only a few things both the boys are responding to regularly. I'm also gonna be purging my inbox because nothing in there is really speaking to me and I think cleaning things up will help a great deal with the overwhelmed anxiety I'm feeling over here.

What this means: I'm feeling burnt out and need to limit myself so that I don't lose the desire to continue one of my favorite hobbies. I still have muse for the boys here, it's just limited and I can't keep trying to write what isn't flowing for me. I'll probably be checking in on this blog two or three times a week and responding to things as I can find the muse until Gale and Astarion's voices grow strong again.

What this doesn't mean: I'm ignoring people on purpose or with ill intent, or that my struggle to continue our threads or start up interactions has any bearing on your writing/muses/ooc personality. This is a me thing, not a you thing.

I've been RPing online since I was 13 years old in CompuServe chatrooms and Yahoo!Groups when that was still a thing, and I'm 40 now. I know well enough when I need to step back and limit myself before I overwhelm/overstimulate myself and leave people disappointed, which just causes anxiety in me with my people pleasing ways.

If this means you don't want to continue things with me, that's fine. If you need to unfollow me for your comfort on your dash, that is fine too. I'd prefer a hardblock over a softblock, but if you softblock me and I see you on my dash without the mutual symbol I will likely unfollow as well (this doesn't count for sideblogs obviously since those don't really show up as mutual)

If you have questions about our stuff, please don't feel afraid to reach out. Either on Discord or IMs.

If you want to start something new with me, Tryckie Boi is very active and taking up the majority of my brainspace for writing at the moment. You can also find me on Wade and Logan over at @babyknifexworstlogan, who have their own Isekai-style BG3 verses. Activity there is still not as high as Tryck, but I am there more often than I am here these days.

Again, this is about me and my comfort and has no bearing on anyone else. I'll probably not be over here much on the weekend, we'll see how things go.

tl;dr - Limiting interactions over here and going to low-activity and highly selective status. It's a me thing not a you thing, please feel free to unfollow/block me for your comfort if you feel it necessary, no hard feelings.

[bunniebubbleswrites]

Hot Coco Kisses

Larissa Weems x F! Teacher! Reader A/N: This was so much fun to write and I had to stop myself from giggling in the middle of some of my classes! Warnings: Slight slow burn? Tooth-rotting fluff, kinda OOC Larissa Words: 1782

Outreach day, something that almost everyone looked forward to. Everyone except you. It was the one thing you did dread every year. All it did was bring back unwanted memories. You had managed to get out of it every year by saying you had papers that still needed grading or by feigning illness. This year neither of those was an option. Apparently, they didn’t have enough chaperons this year so it was just you, Larissa, and Marilyn. 

You stood next to Marilyn, as the Mayor’s voice rang through the air, you weren’t really listening to his speech. Something about normie and outcast relations blah blah blah. You just focused your eye’s on the building behind the Mayor and Larissa. 

The rush of students passing you and Marilyn forced you out of your daze, almost knocking you into Marilyn. 

“Oh my goodness! Marilyn, I am so sorry!” You profusely apologize to your colleague. 

“It’s okay, really (Y/N) it’s not that big of a deal.” Marilyn waved her hands in front of her brushing off what happened. “Are you okay though? You’ve seemed kind of out of it since we got here.” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just there are some memories I can’t seem to let go of.” You let out a sigh as you spotted Larissa walking towards the both of you in her long gray coat. Her long legs carried her over to the both of you very quickly. 

You and Marilyn both turn to look at the tall woman that had her signature smile on her face. The three of you stood in a small circle; the silence un-nevering. 

“We should probably go and see how the kids are doing.” Marilyn’s voice made you jump just slightly. You nodded and smiled as you walked towards the students still standing on the main road. You ushered the small group towards their assignments and when you were sure everyone was where they needed to be you started towards The Weathervane. 

You entered the coffee shop, the small bell on the door signaling to the people behind the counter they had another customer. You went up to the counter surprised that there was no line. 

“Hey Tyler,” Tyler turned and looked at you and met your smile with his own. You had been close with his mother, that in-result led to you being around a lot when he was still little. “My usual, I’ll leave the money on the counter.” You took a 5 dollar bill out of your wallet and placed it on the counter. 

You walked over to a small booth second to the back, while putting your wallet away and putting it in the front pocket of your bag. You settled into the booth with your back facing the entrance.  You placed your bag next to you and pulled out your book. This was routine whenever you came into The Weathervane. 

You ordered a Hot Chocolate, you settled into the second booth to the back of the shop and read. Letting yourself get absorbed into your reading you didn’t notice the two teachers that had walked in. Tyler called out your name and your head shot up. 

You took your bookmark and placed it into the book where you had left off. You left your book on the table and walked over towards the counter, you grabbed the to-go cup. 

“Thanks Tyler.” You raised the cup of hot chocolate in your hands and nodded at him. You settled back into the both, sipping on the hot chocolate, burning your tongue just slightly with the first sip. You opened your book back up and let your mind wander. 

You heard someone sit down in front of you and you looked up from your book, a look of annoyance on your face until you saw Larrissa in front of you with a cup of hot chocolate. You smiled at her and tried to go back to your book. 

You tried to focus on the words on the page in front of you but you just couldn’t. All you could do was keep sneaking glances at the woman in front of you. 

“Principal Weems,” Larissa gasps as she looks up from the cup she was holding in her hands. You slipped your bookmark into your book and set it gently on the table; resting your hands over each other on top of the book. “ Well, it looks like another successful Outreach Day is upon us.” Larissa gave a slight chuckle towards the mayor. 

“And, uh… Thank you for your generous donation to my re-election campaign.” The mayor’s voice seemed to lower but he’s loud enough for Marliyn to hear him. 

“Consider it a token of our ongoing cooperation.” Larissa clicks her tongue and you look at her, your shock showing just slightly. Marliyn walks over towards the three of you.

“Apparently everyone is off to their assignments, and so far no incidents.” You've never been more thankful for Marliyn’s impeccable timing. 

“Mayor Walker, I’d like you to meet Marilyn Thornhill,” Larissa glanced over towards you “and (Y/N) (L/N).” She gestured towards Marilyn then you. Mayor Walker glanced at you and then at Marilyn, then he smiled. 

“In the spirit of outreach, Marilyn is Nevermore’s first normie teacher, and (Y/N) is one of newest teachers.” You smile up at him.

“Well, the pleasure is all mine.” He reaches his hand out and shakes my hand then Marilyn’s.

“Hey, have we, uh… Have we met before?” He turns his attention towards Marilyn, you tune out the rest of their conversation starting down at the cover of your book. You let yourself zone out and the sound of Larissa's voice made you jolt your head up.

“(/N)...(Y/N, are you alright.” She had one of her gloved hands over top of your hands that had been on top of your book. Your face flushed, when had Marilyn left? When did Mayor Walker leave? 

“Yes, I’m fine just a little out of it. Sorry.” You didn’t know why you apologized, it had just come out. 

“Why don’t we take a walk?” Larissa suggested kindly. Maybe some fresh air would do you some good. You nodded and slipped your book into your bag, you grabbed your hot chocolate and slid out of the booth,having Larissa mimicking your movements. 

You both walked out of The Weathervane, your right hand gripping the strap of the bag that hung off your shoulder. Once you reach the steps outside you take a deep breath in and let the cold air settle around you. Larissa puts a hand on your lower back urging you forward. 

You look over your shoulder up at her and are met with a nervous smile. You both move down the steps. 

“So, umm… we haven’t actually got to sit down and talk since I've been here. So I guess I’ll ask first, what’s been going on with you?” You finish off your hot chocolate and toss it into a trash can as you pass by it. 

“Well, nothing really. I’ve just been managing Nevermore.” Larissa responds to your question with the answer you were expecting. Silence falls over both of you as you walk. You go to speak up again but Larissa beats you to it.

“What about you? I mean what's been going on with you?” She seemed nervous when she said it. You giggled slightly at the fact. 

“Well, nothing too interesting. After graduation I went to college and now I’m here.” You smiled up at her as you let the words fall out of your mouth. 

As you both walked; you both started to bring up old memories. The good and the bad, some of them making you laugh so hard your face turns red.

“Remember that one time Claire begged me to switch Outreach Day assignments with her and she ended up with the espresso machine blowing up in her face.” The words left your mouth as you laughed and it made your heart soar to see Larissa laughing with you. 

Larissa then stopped and faced you, she looked nervous. Her face was almost as red as yours was but it seemed it was not for the same reason. 

“Larissa is everything alrigh-” She cut you off before you could get another word out.

“You're not dating anyone right?” She said out right, making your eyes go wide.

“N-no, why do you ask?” You stutter out, unsure of where this conversation was going. It had happened to many times before, being asked out and being embarrassed when they didn’t show up or showed up with someone else. 

Her face was flushed and so was yours, maybe it’s because you both had been through the same experiences in this department. You both looked at each other and you knew her question without her having to say anything. 

You took a step towards her and you reached your hands up to her face having to stand on your tippy-toes despite the heels you were wearing. 

You pulled her down, her red lips meeting yours. You weren’t sure what had prompted you to kiss her but you did.

She kisses you back, her arms wrapping around your waist. You didn’t know how long you had been like that, but it got intense enough that her tongue had slipped into your mouth. You could still taste the hot chocolate she had earlier. 

She pulled back first, her red lipstick was smudged and you no doubt had some on your lips as well. You both just stood on the sidewalk for a little bit, staring at each other. 

The sound of students cheering made you both pull back all too quickly. You stumbled over your own feet and Larissa caught you in her arms. You regain your balance, your hand on Larissa’s lower arms. Your students had just caught the both of you kissing, dear god. You don’t think you would ever live this down. 

Larissa shooed the students away, your face flushed and all you could do was stare down at your shoes and grip the handle of your bag so tightly your knuckles were turning white. Larissa walked over to you and took your hand from the handle of her bag. When you felt her gloved hand on yours, you relaxed just slightly.

“So, how about coffee Saturday?” You giggle out, looking up at her. Your hand still in her gloved one. 

“That would be lovely.” She responds back, giving you a truly happy smile. 

You both walk back to the town square hand in hand, but not before you fix her lipstick and wipe the rest off of your own lips.

[thoroughlymodernminutia]

This Christmas - Prequel

Pairing: Benny "Borracho" Magalon x F!Reader

Word count: 8,219

Summary: This is a prequel of sorts to this from last year. It’s basically the how Benny and the reader met, etc

Warnings: Mostly Hallmark-style fluffy stuff, lots of pining, but brief mention of loss, guilt, some foul language. If I missed anything else let me know and I'll add it in. 

A/N: I don’t know folks, I started writing this and was really chugging along and had a whole plan for how I wanted this to be. Then I got sick with everyone’s favorite illness from 2020 and lost a lot steam. I found, I think, a happy compromise with myself because I wanted to post this before Christmas (self imposed deadlines am I right?) and realized I can always I don’t know, post more parts of it later?? I am my own worst critic so if you read this and it isn’t your jam, please don’t say anything lol I’ve probably already thought it, so it would be redundant! Also, clearly, I do not know the proper use of a semicolon, or an em dash and I don't have an editor, so we'll all just have to deal. Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that jazz

-----------

It’s a little after six in the morning and they still haven’t rolled in. Usually, the five of them would have been here for an hour already; a few hungover, one still drunk, and the fifth one acting like an adult babysitter for the other four. It’s weird how this happens–people come into your little donut shop and after a while, instead of you becoming part of their routine, they become part of yours. Eventually they start to feel like stand-ins for the friends you hardly ever get to see. You’re busy with your business and they’re busy with their jobs and families.

It could feel lonely, but you have people like Noreen, who comes in every Friday to buy three dozen assorted donuts for her team. Noreen is kind and not the type of person you envision working at a private equity firm. When you were thinking about expanding into the small space next door, she looked at your plan and helped you figure out where you were being too aggressive and in some cases too shortsighted. She didn’t ask for anything in return, but you made sure her next three dozen donuts were on the house. 

There’s Will, a retired teacher, who comes in every Sunday. He used to come in with his partner, Charles, and they would sit at the table you have set up near the front window. They traded off different sections of the newspaper while drinking their coffee and sharing one old-fashioned donut and one raspberry jelly donut; they never strayed from those. Charles passed away six months ago and it was unexpected. You didn’t expect to see Will for a while, but routine is hard to give up especially when it’s the only thing you have left. Every Sunday morning you set a 'reserved' sign on the table near the window. 

There’s Stuart, who hangs out in the plaza your shop is located in. You’re not sure if he’s unhoused or just likes to spend his day outside, but it felt strange to always see him and not interact with him. One day you invited him to come by for coffee and a donut but he turned you down. You told him the offer was good for any time and that you hoped you’d see him in there soon. He came in a few days later and it made you feel like you were doing some good; and then you felt bad for feeling like that. Stuart’s reserved and not much of a talker so you just let him sit at a table while you go about your work. Some days he’ll start a conversation; it’s rare but it feels like you both trust each other enough to make more than small talk. If you don’t see him in his usual spot outside, you worry. He usually turns up a few days later, but you're concerned that at some point he won’t turn up and what are you supposed to do then?

There’s a handful of people that fall into this category of if they never came back you would notice. It’s because some of them are smart and kind like Noreen. Some because they sit in the same spot, newspaper sections still divided in two, like Will. Some because their silence fills your little shop, like Stuart. And some whose absence you would notice because they don’t fit into these boxes. Sometimes they can be loud or irritating; but they can also be entertaining. And they’re are always five of them, but only one that makes you feel like you’re thirteen and just saw your middle school crush.

They started coming in sometime in February. You only remember because the biggest one said he’s 'not eating a fucking, prissy, heart-shaped donut.' Some men are like that, afraid if they come in contact with something feminine that’s not a woman, that their dick will fall off. He was loud and obnoxious and only one of the other four looked truly embarrassed for the guy and for himself. He apologized for his friend and ordered five large coffees and a dozen glazed donuts. 

“You sure glazed are going to be manly enough for your friend over there?” 

You ticked your head over towards the table where his friends were sitting. He laughed and it was a surprisingly warm laugh for a man with neck tattoos. 

“He won’t even remember being here, let alone what kind of donuts he ate.”

He sounded annoyed but used to the behavior. You remembered having friends like that, in your twenties, but you were well past that age and so were these guys by the look of it. You saw him eyeing an apple fritter so you grabbed it from the case, put it on a plate, and set it on the counter next to the box of donuts. 

“On the house, since it doesn’t look like you’re getting paid for your babysitting duties.”

He smiled, said thank you, and then went to sit with his loud friends. You noticed he was quiet in comparison and thought it would be nice if they were all quiet like that. 

When they were getting ready to leave you saw that the quiet one made sure all the trash was thrown away and all the dishes went into the right bin. At the door as they were leaving he gave you a small wave thanking you again. There was something about his smile that made it feel like flowers were blooming in your stomach. That feeling carried you for a week. You’d think of that moment of him at the door and a fog would enter your brain and the flowers in your stomach would grow larger. 

The feeling would start to subside after a while and you would get caught up in your real life–your business, the rare time with your friends, the occasional bad date. It would slowly drift from the front of your mind to the back. Then they would show up and the cycle would continue. 

The one who had the soft smile and neck tattoo, you learned his name was Benny. And that if you gave him a choice between the apple fritter and anything else, he would choose the apple fritter one hundred percent of the time. The loud drunk, that was Big Nick and he’s only been not drunk five percent of the time they’ve come in. There’s Connors, Zapata, and Henderson–you’ve only heard them referred to by their last names. A thing that you’ve only ever heard men do. They all come in once or twice a month–usually early, usually hungover. It makes you wonder what they do before they end up at your place. You never ask because to know would be to probably ruin your crush on Benny.

Benny always pays and there’s a part of you that hopes he’s doing it just for the chance to talk to you. When he leaves he always gives you a wave goodbye and a thanks again. The flowers in your stomach have bloomed and blossomed to an embarrassing degree by the end of May. And that’s when they stopped coming in. 

—-

Benny shakes his head no at Connor’s who’s trying to hand him a beer, “Not feeling it tonight.”

Benny isn’t feeling it any night, but he keeps that to himself. The drinking, the cocaine, the women, none of it interests him and it hasn’t for a while. Since February if he’s being honest with himself. 

They had ended up at your donut shop, Glazy for You under random circumstances. The usual place they would go to sober up after one of these parties had been closed down by the health department. He should have known it was bound to happen, the place was dim and oddly seedy for a diner. Benny was the designated driver that night, since he hadn’t been feeling well he didn’t drink and spent most of the night ushering random women out of a grim motel room. When he saw Glazy for You as he was driving by, it looked like the complete opposite of his evening; it was bright, there were Valentine’s decorations on the window. It looked comforting and warm, two things he felt like he was missing in his life.

Nick of course was an asshole and Benny felt like he spent a lot of time silently apologizing to you. His apologies must have entered you mind telepathically because you gave him an apple fritter–the best apple fritter he’s ever had in his whole fucking life. There must have been some kind of magic in because that moment lodged itself somewhere in his heart and reappears when he’s feeling low. Like now–sitting in this motel room, on this couch that probably hasn’t been cleaned in two decades, watching his friends lose their fucking minds over shit they should have outgrown. 

Benny hasn’t seen you in months, ninety-seven days to be exact, not that he’s counting. They’ve been working on one case after the next and it’s left time for little else. No post drug test parties, no early mornings sitting in a donut shop waiting for everyone to sober up, no you. It’s been sleep and work for three months straight. Last time he saw you, it seemed like you were happy to see him. Maybe he imagined that feeling; misunderstood the warmth in your smile. Maybe that’s the smile that you’ve practiced in order to be able to perform it for everyone. Maybe everyone feels what he feels when they see you.

Benny sinks further into the couch and looks up at the ceiling. It’s a drop ceiling which brings back memories of a case he had worked on. While securing a crime scene, they were in the living room of a run down apartment. It had this same type of ceiling and a body fell right through it onto the floor. He thinks that maybe this is how it ended up being called a drop ceiling, because shit just drops right out. That thought, that memory makes him realize that he doesn’t want to be in this room anymore. He gets up, grabs his jacket off the back of the couch, and leaves. He hears Connors call after him as he’s closing the door but he doesn’t care. He only has one place that he wants to be right now.

—-

You’re putting a tray of bear claws in the display case when you hear the door open. It’s still early, the sun is barely up, pink and purple hues are still in the sky. You get a lot of municipal workers that come in at this time, barely past opening. So it’s a little bit of a surprise when you get a glimpse through the display case of Benny walking in, alone.

There’s a second while you’re crouched down, adjusting the tray that you let yourself be excited; allow yourself to give into the childish feeling of getting a glimpse of your crush. Your knees are wobbly as you stand up–unsure if it’s because you’re getting old or because he’s looking right at you.

“Oh hey, how’ve you been?” You wipe your palms on the front of the apron you’re wearing. “It’s been a while.”

You try to sound neutral, neither excited to see him or disappointed that it's been so long. He smiles and that familiar sensation of flowers blooming returns. 

“We’ve been working on a lot of cases and it’s been hard to find time for anything else.” 

You lean forward and rest your arms on top of the bakery case. 

“Cases? You guys are lawyers?” As the words leave your mouth you realize how truly stupid it sounds. You’ve never in your life seen any lawyers that look like these guys. 

Benny chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, something he does when feels embarrassed or self conscious.

“No, definitely not lawyers. Detectives. We work for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department.”

You fail at suppressing a laugh, “I’m sorry. All of you are detectives? Even your friend Nick?”

Benny knows your laugh isn’t mean spirited and if he were you, he’d probably laugh too, knowing what he knows about the people he works with. He moves closer to display case and leans in. 

“Even Nick. You seem surprised.”

“It’s just. I.” You pause, trying to choose your words with care, because you like Benny and you don’t want to insult him, “I mean, it’s hard to imagine being a victim of a crime or something and like Nick is the person taking your statement, trying to help you. That is my nightmare.”

You hope you don’t sound like an asshole, but the idea of Nick serving and protecting seems like a stretch. If you offend Benny, he doesn’t show it, he just laughs.

“The way that you’ve seen him, I can understand the sentiment. He’s not like that a hundred percent of the time. I promise.” 

You give Benny a joking look, “Okay, but what percentage are we talking here?”

You’re both laughing when the rest of the guys walk in. The rowdiness is a shock to your system after not dealing with it for a while. You look at Benny and he’s no longer leaning in towards you and maybe you’re projecting, but you think he looks a little disappointed too.

Benny’s disappointed, but he tries his best to hide it. The guys may be drunk, but they are cops and they are perceptive. Benny already knows he has a reputation among them as being soft. It used to bother him, but it hasn’t for a while. He knows he would rather be soft than be the type of man that can’t feel anything other than bitterness and rage. 

“Borracho, you fucking asshole, you left us.”

Nick, is of course loud and slurring his words. Benny hopes you can’t understand Spanish–he doesn’t want to be known as a ‘drunk’ to you.

Benny turns from you to look at the guys. Connors is propping Nick up; Henderson and Zapata are stumbling towards a table. 

“I was hungry.”

Benny hopes it’s enough to shut Nick up. He knows it’s not because he sees Nick loosen himself from Connors and stumble towards him. He claps a large, drunk hand on Benny’s shoulder and the force almost knocks him backwards. 

“Fuck, Borracho. You’re no fun anymore.”

Nick is a mess and that’s not really that surprising to you. What is surprising is how uncomfortable Benny looks. He has the look of a man who would give anything to disappear. You can’t really blame him, these guys, Nick especially, are exhausting to be around and you only deal with them for a few hours a month.

“Can I get you guys something or are you just going to loiter?”

Benny looks towards you and you give him a sympathetic smile. He shakes Nick off of him and is about to order when Nick lurchers towards the counter that you’re standing behind. You step back as he unsuccessfully tries to paw at you.

“I know what you can get me, sweetheart.”

Benny groans and runs a hand over his face, “Jesus Christ, Nick. Shut the fuck up.”

You step closer to the counter and lean forward, putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“What did I tell you about calling me ‘sweetheart’?”

Nick tilts his head to the side and mutters, “That the next time I do it, you’ll put my head in the deep fryer.”

You pat his shoulder, “Good, you remember.”

You hear Zapata, Henderson, and Connors–who’s joined them at their table laughing and chanting do it, do it.

You gently push Nick away from the counter, “Go sit down unless you’re willing to see if I’m serious.” You look over at Benny, who no longer looks like he wants to disappear. “Benny, five coffees and a dozen glazed, right?”

Benny nods his head, “Yeah, that’s good.”

Nick turns around and starts walking towards where Connors, Zapata, and Henderson are sitting. He jerks his thumb back towards you, “She’s no fun either.”

Benny feels awkward standing here, watching you gingerly place twelve glazed donuts in a box and then pour five large coffees. It’s calming though, watching you do routine things, like you’re slowly rooting out the anxiety of being around drunk idiots. You put the coffees in a tray and place it down on the counter next to the donuts. 

Benny pulls out his wallet to pay, “Uh, sorry,” he pauses, he’s sorry about a lot suddenly, “sorry about Nick. He was acting like an asshole.”

You shrug and hand Benny his change, “Don’t worry about it.”

Benny is sitting with the guys and can’t help feeling like he’s messed something up. You didn’t give him an apple fritter like you normally do. He wonders if you’re mad that he didn’t do something more when Nick was acting like an asshole. Maybe he’s overthinking it–he can’t expect you to give him a free donut every time you see him. It’s possible he’s misread the situation entirely, that you’re just friendly and nothing more. He watches you behind the counter adjusting things, bagging up donuts for customers that have come in. When Benny checks his watch for the time, he misses seeing you slip an apple fritter in a bag and write 'Benny' in a tidy script. 

You watch the guys start filtering out of your place; Nick and Connors are first and from the store window you can see them getting into separate cabs. Benny is still throwing trash away as Henderson and Zapata leave. They share a cab and you imagine that maybe they rallied enough to start drinking again at 7:30am. You see Benny heading towards the door and it looks like he’s leaving without giving his usual wave goodbye. Your stomach sinks a little–maybe he’s mad at you for not joking around more with Nick or the other guys. Or it could just be that he’s tired and wants to go home and you’re creating feelings that aren’t there. 

You grab the bag with the apple fritter from below the counter and hold it up, “Hey, you forgot something.”

Benny looks at the bag with his name on it–it’s the nicest handwriting he’s ever seen. He walks over to the counter and takes the bag from your hand, your fingers overlapping for a fraction of a second. 

“So this means you’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you? Wait, you think because of Nick?” You look at him strangely as he nods his head yes, “He’s the idiot, I’m not going to hold that against you.”

Benny smiles, “That’s good to know.” He starts walking away, but stops when he gets to the door, holding up the bag with the donut, “Thanks again. I’ll see you later.”

“Take care, Benny.”

—-

“You like that girl at the donut place?”

It sounds less like Connors is asking you a question and more like stating a fact. Benny’s a little caught off guard and pretends to start looking for something on his desk.

“What?” 

Benny tries to sound confused, like he’s never even heard the word donut before.

“At the donut place. The girl who runs it, are you into her or something? You always act fucking weird when we’re in there.”

Benny thinks back to all the times they’ve been at Glazy for You, trying to remember his behavior. Did he look at you for too long? Say ‘goodbye’ in a way that sounded like he didn’t want to leave. Benny opens the bottom drawer of his desk and pretends to look for something. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Benny knows he doesn’t sound convincing and Connors must hear it too because he keeps going.

“Really?” Connors sounds incredulous. “You’re always lingering at the counter. She’s always giving you free donuts. Any of this ringing a bell for you?”

Benny can feel Connors staring at him. He closes the desk drawer and goes back to looking at the file on his desk.

“Maybe she likes giving away free donuts. I really couldn’t tell you.”

Connors crumbles a piece of paper into a ball and lobs it at Benny’s head, hitting him just behind the ear. 

“Whatever you say asshole.”

—-

The summer goes by quickly–it’s one of your busier seasons. School is out, the weather is nice–there are day camps, company off-sites, and sleepovers. All the types of occasions where the people in charge don’t want to make breakfast but need to provide it. Benny and the guys come in a few times throughout the summer. It feels a little different from before. Benny doesn’t linger at the counter as much anymore and sometimes one of the other guys pays. It’s stupid little things that you shouldn’t notice, but you do, because they used to be part of your routine. It’s embarrassing thinking you let this crush on Benny become such a big part of your life that you’d notice he didn’t pay last time or the time before that. It’s that embarrassment that makes you start building a wall around that garden in your stomach so the flowers can’t reach your heart.

It’s the end of October when you’re opening up one morning and it registers for you that you haven’t seen Stuart since some time around June or July. His absence gnaws at you. You feel like a bad person for not noticing sooner; that feeling that you failed someone even though they weren’t your responsibility. You don’t know what to do or if there’s anything you actually can do. So when you see Benny a few weeks later it feels like a little bit of a last resort when you ask for his help.

—-

You were hoping that Benny would be the person paying this time when they all came in, so you could mention Stuart without having to pull him aside. But he doesn’t and it makes you a little anxious trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about something serious. So it’s a relief when it looks like he’s going to be the last one to leave. He’s behind Connors and when Connors makes it out the door, you stop Benny who’s close behind.

“Benny, hey. Do you have a second?”

You come out from behind the counter, nervously smoothing the apron tied around your waist in short downward strokes. Benny stops and lets the door go from his hand. You look upset and he hopes it’s not because he’s been acting standoffish lately. Ever since Connors asked about you, he’s been trying his best to act normal–whatever that means–around you. 

“Did Connors’s card get declined again?”

You let out a small laugh, “No. Um, I was actually wondering if you could help me with something.”

Benny steps a little closer to you. You have some powdered sugar on your cheek and he has to stop himself from brushing it off. 

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on?”

“This is probably going to sound weird, or stupid. Maybe both. But there’s this  guy who h—”

Benny cuts you off; his voice is a little rougher, “If someone is bothering you, I’ll take care of it.”

You laugh awkwardly, “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. It’s this guy, Stuart. He usually hangs out around here and I have him come in sometimes for coffee or donuts and I haven’t seen him in…since maybe July, I think? I’m just a little worried.” You pause and try to read Benny’s face to see what he’s thinking, “Sorry, this probably sounds stupid to you. I don’t even know what I’m asking.”

Benny scratches his jaw piecing together what he thinks you’re getting at, “Do you know his last name?”

You notice that Benny’s voice has gone back to the soft tone that you’re used to. He’s looking at you with compassion and not like you’re stupid or some kind of burden. Benny is the kind of person that you would want helping you in a crisis and it makes you wish there were more people like him in his line of work.

“I don’t, but I printed a photo from the security camera I have.” You walk over to the counter and lean over, grabbing the photo from under the register. “I don’t even know if you can do anything with that. I watch a lot of crime shows. Don’t judge me.”

Benny laughs and shakes his head as you hand him the photo.

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Yeah of course. It’s…I don’t know. I’d feel like a bad person if something were to happen to him and I could have helped.”

Benny feels bad because he knows how these things generally end up. Usually there are no happy endings.

“You can’t put that on yourself.”

You nod your head, “I know, but still, you know?”

Benny understands the feeling and also understands it’s easier to tell someone something isn’t their fault than to know it yourself. 

As Benny leaves you start to feel a bit lighter. Like someone has taken some of your worry, some of your concern and is carrying it for you; so you aren’t so weighed down.

—-

“What was that about?”

Benny is surprised to see Connors waiting for him in the parking lot. 

“Nothing. Well, I guess there’s some guy, homeless, I don’t know. He usually hangs out around here. She hasn’t seen him for a while. She’s worried.”

Connors flicks a cigarette on to the pavement, “Figures she’s one of those bleeding heart types. What did you tell her?”

Benny pats his jacket and then his pants pockets feeling around for a pack of cigarettes, forgetting briefly that he’s trying to quit. Connors pulls his pack from his pocket and tosses them to Benny.

Benny pulls a cigarette out, “I told her I’d look into it.”

Connors laughs and hands Benny a lighter, “Chump.” He waits a beat for Benny to light his cigarette, “But, if you want. We can start looking into it now.”

Benny’s grateful it’s Connors out here and not one of the other guys. Benny and Connors go back further than just Major Crimes and he’s someone Benny would trust with his life.

—-

Benny’s worried that he’s going to have to deliver you bad news. Best case scenario seems like Stuart is in jail. Not great, but it would mean that he’s alive. Worst case scenario is that he can’t find Stuart and that usually doesn’t mean anything good. Benny is suddenly hoping for some kind of miracle for a person he doesn’t even know. 

The photo you gave him does turn out to be useful. Connors is able to find him in the system through facial recognition. Stuart Morton has a record; a few arrests for driving while under the influence and some time in a county jail. Benny is able to get a last known address but it’s over a year old. It’s a sober living house that’s not actually that far from Glazy for You. He doesn’t have much hope that going there will bring him any closer to finding Stuart. 

It takes a couple of weeks, but Benny is finally able to meet with David, the director of the sober living facility. He finds it’s better to meet with people in person. Talking with people over the phone, he’s learned, makes it easier for them to not give you the information you need. David of course is a little guarded at first with Benny; not wanting to share anything that could get Stuart in trouble, which Benny can’t really fault him for. Benny explains the situation, that the owner of a donut shop near here is worried because they haven’t seen him in a while. When Benny mentions your name to David, he lights up.

“Her glazed old fashioneds are the best ones in this entire state.” He pauses and to Benny it looks like he’s getting lost in the memory of a donut, a feeling he knows well. 

“I didn’t realize you two knew each other.” 

David turns away from Benny to look through a drawer in a filing cabinet, “Just this year we got to talking and she’s been generous enough to donate breakfast here every month. And recently she’s been working with us on a job training program at her bakery.” 

Benny thinks back to Connors calling you a ‘bleeding heart’ and is glad he came here by himself. 

“She didn’t mention anything about knowing Stuart lived here.”

David pulls a folder from the cabinet and thumbs through it, “Stuart is the type to not overshare, so that doesn’t surprise me.” He pauses to write something down on a piece of paper and hands it to Benny, “Here. This is his sister Noreen’s information. When he left, he was going to be staying with her for a while. Might still be there.”

Benny barely makes it to his car before calling the number that David gave him. 

—-

“Wait, so you’re saying that Noreen, the Noreen that comes in here, is Stuart’s sister?”

It’s late in the day, near the time that you close up. You and Benny are sitting across from each other at the table near the window. It’s hard to believe what he’s telling you, that Stuart used to be a resident at the sober living facility, the one where David works; that Noreen is Stuart’s sister and somehow all these dots never got connected for you.

“She didn’t realize that you two were,” Benny pauses looking for the right word, “friends. She feels terrible that you didn’t know he had moved out of the state and were worried. She said he’s doing well.”

You’re quiet for a moment, trying to take in everything Benny has been telling  you. It’s a lot to process, considering you had been preparing yourself to hear bad news. You can feel your eyes fuzzy with a few tears and feel a little embarrassed to be getting so emotional over the good news.

“It’s such a relief to know that he’s doing okay.” You feel a tear slide down your cheek and quickly brush it away hoping that Benny didn’t see it.

Benny can tell you’re trying to keep yourself from crying and he wants to tell you that it’s okay, that there wouldn’t be any judgment from him. He has the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around you, but he knows it would be wildly inappropriate. He feels awkward sitting here, looking around, trying to figure out what he should say.

“I like the Christmas decorations you have up.” It’s lame and he knows it, but it seems better than freaking you out with a hug. You smile at him and that feels reassuring.

“You do?” You look over at Benny, nodding his head, “I know it makes me basic, but I love Christmas. The lights, the decorations, the movies, the music. Expect to see a lot of green and red frosted donuts until December 31st.” 

Benny laughs, “I’m looking forward to it.” He looks at his watch and starts to get up, “I should probably leave, so you can close up.”

You get up and follow Benny to the door, you put your hand on Benny’s forearm to stop him for a second and he feels a little spark through this jacket.

“Thank you, again, for everything.”

“I’m glad I could help. And that everything turned out okay.”

You’re not sure what it is that compels you to hug him, but you do. Maybe it’s the gentleness of his voice, or how he’s looking at you in a way he hasn’t before. It feels intimate and dreamy and it’s hard for you to recall the last time anyone has looked at you like that. It happens so fast that Benny barely has time to register what happened.

It hits him as he’s walking to his car–the delayed feeling of your arms around him. It strikes Benny that maybe there’s a chance you like him, that maybe you’re both kind of stupid and clumsy, and afraid to ask the other one out. There’s the realization that one of you will have to make the first move or it will go on like this forever. That he will see you every few months at your job, that he’ll get a free donut occasionally. It’s not enough for Benny and he knows that he can’t be stupid about this much longer.

—-

It’s the last piss test party of the year–the week before Christmas. The concept is idiotic–sure it made sense at one point when Benny wasn’t wading into the deep end of forty. Going to a cheap hotel to get drunk and high, have sex with women that Nick found God knows where. It was never appealing to Benny but he used to understand the idea of celebrating after your mandatory drug test. Now he usually just sits, drinks a beer or two, and tries to avoid contact with everyone. There’s something especially depressing about it during this time of year.

Benny’s spent the last few days mulling over the best way to ask you out. He regrets not asking you when he was giving you the news about Stuart. Although there’s a part of him that thinks maybe you would have felt obligated to say yes given the circumstances. He thinks about asking you tonight, if they end up there, but he doesn’t want to do it in front of the guys because you might feel obligated then too, maybe even feeling sorry for him and not wanting to embarrass him in front of everyone by saying no. If you say yes, he wants it to be because you actually mean it, he doesn’t want there to be any room for doubt.

His decision is made for him, because when they get to Glazy for You, you aren’t there. Benny can’t remember if there’s ever been a time when you haven’t been there, behind the counter, greeting him warmly. It’s a little bit of a shock to his system to see a middle-aged man in a goofy Christmas sweater in your place. Benny’s good at thinking up doomsday scenarios and imagines one in which you’re trying to avoid him, so you no longer work this early in the morning. But then he thinks of when you hugged him and that even though it was quick, it was like your touch had gone directly to his heart. He doesn’t stay much longer, opting to go home, lay in his bed, and try to figure out what he’s going to do.

—- 

You used to hate working during the holidays. Maybe it’s because you were working for other people and not yourself. Maybe it was because the work you were doing felt unimportant and people expected you to care even when everything else around you was winding down. Five years ago the thought of working on Christmas Eve would have made you want to walk into traffic. Now it feels different, like maybe you’re contributing to the holiday experience versus missing out on it entirely. You’ve always loved Christmas, but Christmas Eve is your favorite day of the year. It just feels more special somehow. There’s anticipation and excitement in the air. It’s possible it’s a product of all the Christmas movies you’ve watched over the years where there’s the idea that anything seems possible on this day. There’s something about the idea of your life changing for the better, surrounded by twinkle lights and ornaments that you find very appealing.

The morning is kind of slow–you spend most of it watching holiday episodes of tv shows on your phone. Around 11am you start cleaning up–taking trays out of cases, boxing up the donuts that are left to drop off at the comic book shop next door. You’re looking forward to going home and laying on the couch the rest of the day, queuing up your standard Christmas Eve movies. You’re ready to watch Scrooged and feel abnormally homesick, but then put on Christmas Vacation and remember why it’s never a good idea to spend Christmas with your entire family.

You’re in the back when you hear the bell on the door jingle, letting you know someone is out front. You consider just staying where you are, pretending no one is here so you can wrap up your day. You don’t want to have to tell anyone that you can’t help them with their donut emergency–getting yelled at on Christmas Eve is not something you’ve prepared yourself for today. So it’s a pleasant surprise when you make your way back out to the front and you see Benny.

“Hey, this is a—hi.” You’re not sure why you’re suddenly unable to put together a decent sentence.

Benny rubs the back of his neck with his hand, “Is this a bad time?”

“No. No, well. I mean, unless you were looking for a few dozen donuts. Then it definitely is.”

Benny smiles, “Actually,  I, um, was,” he pauses and tries to collect himself, he can suddenly feel his heart beating in his ears, “I wanted to ask you out. On a date.” The feeling has spread to his skull.

When he says it, it’s almost like the words traveled through your brain and you can’t comprehend what’s actually happening. Benny, the guy you’ve been harboring your fragile middle school crush on, is here asking you out. It makes little, if any sense to you.

“Are you just trying to get more free donuts?”

Benny shakes his head no, “I promise I’m not.”

You’re quiet as you consider what he’s asked–trying to reprocess the information in your mind so that it makes sense. When all the words are finally in place and you repeat them in your mind, you feel some of those flowers that you’d walled up in your stomach starting to push through the cracks.

“Yeah, okay.” You grab a business card from the counter, write your number on the back, and hand it to Benny.

Benny’s not sure he’s ever heard anything better than yeah, okay in his life, it’s like a bolt of lightning right to his core. He puts the card with your number in the chest pocket of his jacket, the safest place he can think of.

“Great. Amazing.” Benny laughs nervously. “I need to get back to work. I’ll text you.” 

“Okay. Well, have a good Christmas, Benny.” 

“You too.” 

Benny gives his standard small wave as he leaves and you lock the door after him. When he’s out of sight you let out a squeal and excitedly dance in place. Your phone vibrating in your back pocket interrupts you mid-happy dance. 

Hey, it’s Benny. Are you free for dinner on the 27th at 7?

Benny watches dots appear and then disappear on his phone. It feels a little bit like torture as he sits in his truck waiting for you to respond.

 Dinner on the 27th at 7 sounds great

Benny releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, Let me think of a place and I’ll text you the address

Sounds good. And you meant Dec 27th right?

Benny laughs to himself, Yes dec 27. I’m not going to wait until jan to take you to dinner

Just making sure 🙂

You read his last text at least ten more times before finally going back into the kitchen like you had intended. Each time you read it, there’s a sensation in your stomach like bricks dissolving and flowers blooming again.

—-

Benny texts you on the morning of the 26th with a restaurant name and an address. You already have the sense that he’s different, the type of person who has follow-through. You try to temper your excitement about dinner with him, not wanting to do that thing you sometimes do where you make something out to be more than it is. You keep telling yourself that it’s just dinner, nothing more. But as you pull up to the restaurant a few minutes late and see Benny standing outside, looking nervous in dark denim and a green flannel, you let yourself think that maybe it could be a little more than just dinner. 

“Sorry I’m a little late, I hope you weren’t waiting long?”

Benny smiles when he sees you standing in front of him, “I just got here a few minutes ago.” 

It’s a lie; the last one he’ll tell tonight; but he doesn’t want you to know that he was so amped up about this evening that he got to the restaurant thirty minutes early. On the way in, when you pass in front of him, your perfume delicately floats by him. It’s earthy, but slightly sweet, with cinnamon and vanilla blending neatly in–he’s sure it’s the most beautiful thing that he’s ever smelled. 

It’s a French restaurant, one that you’ve never been to before, but it’s cozy and still in the Christmas spirit. There are multicolored lights strung up and silver tinsel hanging from the ceiling. 

“Have you been here before?” Looking at Benny from across the table and you can see flecks of silver in his facial hair catching the light of the candle on the table. 

“My sister and her husband had their tenth anniversary party here last year. Most of my restaurant choices come from wherever she has an anniversary party.” 

You laugh, “Nice. Do you just have the one sister?”

Benny has just the one sister, you learn, among other things. You find talking to Benny is easy, he doesn’t give one word answers to questions like some men you’ve gone out with. Where trying to get to know them is like trying to get to know a slab of pavement. He’s funnier than you thought, something that you didn’t expect, but is a nice surprise.

“Did you always want to be a detective?”

Benny butters a piece of bread, “To be honest, the only thing I wanted to be growing up was a magician. I guess I saw one too many David Copperfield specials as a kid.”

You start laughing, “Do you know any magic tricks?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know. What about you?”

“I don’t know any, no.” You shrug jokingly as Benny laughs. “But, yeah, I guess I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to be doing. I’m lucky that things have worked out how they have.” 

Benny’s curious now, “You didn’t always work in a bakery?”

“Nope. I actually used to work in tech. It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well, I’m not in any hurry to end the evening.”

There’s something about Benny that puts you at ease, that makes you comfortable enough to want to open up to him. Something that you would never normally consider doing on a first date. You don’t feel the need to downplay that you made a lot of money when a company you worked for in New York was bought out. He doesn’t flinch when you tell him that the reason you moved to California was because of your now ex-husband. He tells you about his own divorce and for the first time in a long time you don’t feel so unlike yourself on a first date. It doesn’t feel scary telling him that you felt insignificant in your own life because of your work and your marriage. That every conversation with your husband made you feel like a burden.There’s a moment when you start to apologize, out of habit, but he stops you. He smiles when you say that the divorce was the best thing to happen to you because it–and you hate to say it like this–gave you your power back. 

“I always wanted to own my own business and I love donuts, so when the divorce happened, I just said fuck it, and went for it. Just threw myself into it.”

“I’m glad you did, I don’t know where else I’d get an apple fritter that good. And for free.” 

“Yeah, about that.” You smile playfully, “I’m going to have to start charging you before you put me out of business.” 

Benny makes a show of looking at his watch, pretending to want to leave, “I guess we should probably call it an evening then?”

He likes the way you laugh, how it’s kind of loud and fills the room. It makes him feel good, to hear you laugh, to see you smile; like he’s responsible for some bit of happiness you’re experiencing.

“See, I knew this was a scam.”

As the waiter clears the table and they wait for the check, Benny asks you what your favorite donut is. 

You don’t even have to think about it, “Definitely a maple bar.”

Benny watches as your eyes light up, telling him how you first had one when you spent the summer between fifth and sixth grade visiting your aunt in Seattle. He listens to you describe how your mom was, in the nicest terms you can find, an extreme dieter, who tried her best to pass all of her food issues down to you, and never let donuts in the house. But your aunt didn’t care and the first thing she did once she would pick you up from the airport was take you to her favorite bakery. It was the highlight of every summer after that until you graduated high school. It was the first donut you learned how to make because on the east coast they’re hard to find. You laugh when you say the best part of moving to the west coast is that every donut place has maple bars, but you’d like to think that yours are the best. Benny can’t help but think it’s cute.

Benny doesn’t want the night to end; he knows that you took a cab to the restaurant so he offers to drive you home. You try not to sound too eager in accepting his offer, but fail.

“Yeah, I’d love that.”

You ask him if he wants you to put your address into google maps for directions, but he doesn’t need them. Benny spends so much time driving all over the city that he knows every street, every highway, every interstate. The map exists in his head; he can get anywhere without really having to think about it. Benny drives you through some unfamiliar, but beautiful neighborhoods. The homes are still decorated and lit up, it’s like driving through the set of a Christmas movie–the only thing missing is snow.

You ask him more about his job, the guys he works with. You like hearing the stories that Benny has about them. You can tell by the way he talks about him, that he’s closest with Connors. You finally learn everyone’s first names and how Benny got his nickname–which you had previously googled out of curiosity. You ask if it bothers him to be called a drunk.

“Knowing the shit they all get into, not really.”

He says that it doesn’t matter what they call him because he knows that in any situation they’ll have his back and he’ll have theirs. That’s what he cares about.

When he pulls up to your house; a small, one-story home, string lights along the frame and around the windows; it looks exactly like he’d imagined. You both sit quietly for a few minutes unsure what to do next. 

Eventually you unbuckle your seatbelt, “I had a really good time tonight, Benny.”

“Me too. Come on, I’ll walk you to your door.” he looks over at you, “protect and serve, you know.” Benny knows it’s a dumb joke, but you laugh anyway.

When you get to the top of your steps, you find it hard to say goodbye. His face is illuminated by the Christmas lights and you can tell he doesn’t want to say goodbye either. You start to say something, you’re not even sure what, but no words come out because Benny’s mouth is on yours, his hands gently cradling your face. His lips are soft and you can feel the warmth of his tongue asking for permission. You drop your keys onto the porch and pull him closer to you by his belt loops.

It feels like hours have passed when Benny finally pulls away, “Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for months.”

You rest your hands on his chest, “Next time,” you gently tug on his shirt collar, “don’t wait so long.”

Benny smiles as he watches you crouch down to pick up the keys you dropped. When you stand back up, he reaches towards your face, his fingers grazing behind your ear, “Hold on, you have something in your—” Benny sweeps his fingers against your hair and when he brings his hand in front of you, he’s holding a small, folded piece of paper. 

You take it from him, unfolding it. When you see the words ‘what are you doing for new years?’ written down you start grinning, “So you do still know some magic tricks.”

Benny places his hand on your neck, his thumb stroking your cheek, “A few.”

[antheiantics]

ENTJ Behaviours - Everyday things the Internet analysis don't tell you about - weirdly specific edition

Loud loud laugh. The type of laugh to make you go under the table. Happens roughly 2-3 times a day.

Shouting for no apparent reason.

Zoomies, yes, zoomies around the house.

Zoomies in talking - The point is to get it out fast and furious and go on with the day. Spoiler alert: 80% of the time I have to repeat myself, because people didn't understand my point delivered in Eminem speed. I'm fine, we're fine, it's fine.

Constantly forgetting people don't have the ability to understand with just one, maximum three words. Exception: INTX

Hating to be late and arriving early. Completing several tasks while waiting.

Having absolutely no tolerance on people who are late. Holding a grudge about it. Waiting for the day to just leave so the other person learns from it.

Abrupt style changes that shock people - going from casual business to grunge fairycore, not realising that people get confused with the vibe.

ENTJ procrastination is a thing - it's just procrastinating by doing other smaller tasks instead of doing the big looming one.

Being confident all the time except in a specific moment in which it's required to.

Ordering food at McDonald's because your extroverted friends were "too shy" to.

Waiting for those same friends to say "hi" to the entire planet while you try to look confident, pretty and approachable.

Being invited in the conversation in the span of one minute and hitting it off for the next 10 minutes.

Walking fast.

The boulevard is the runway and y'all are just peasants interrupting the strut.

Making detailed plans about being a successful company owner in 10 years, but forgetting to take in the sheets the next day. Short-term goals - a strong point, if forced. Day to day to-do list - not a strong point at all, unless written down (most of the time confident enough to remember our own tasks) (most of the time we forget to do several of them, or postpone them to shove three more that we planned to do after two weeks, but oh well, an opportunity arose - extremely specific, might not apply)

Patience. Monstruos amounts of it. Miranda Priestly was just fed up after so many years in the industry and I can see why.

Pet peeves are inefficiency and people who repeat the same mistake over three times, after it was explained to them by multiple people.

Strong opinions. Controversy. How are y'all dealing with Cruella (Emma Stone) and Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) mix, type of person? Genuinely curious. Not asking for a friend.

As for the ENTJ men reading this - do you have like a list or diagram, with all the people that manage to keep up with your Stewie Griffin (South Park) , Kaz Brekker (Six of Crows) tendency to "invest" and Thranduil(The Hobbit/LOTR) type of beauty and pride, and how long is it? Again, genuinely curious.

Wrote the origins of criticism and invented self-criticism in the process, because emotional liability got invented roughly around the same time and apparently it was "too much" *side glances INFPs*

Crying only out of helplessness (not if you can help it, ofc) and anger.

Fan of stupid puns (extremely evident)

Might unintentionally ghost people or leave them on seen, because they messaged you while your brains were working overtime (happens too often)

Caffeine doesn't work, but it's a ritual of pleasure, not to be missed, unless the day is bound to finish in prison. Same could be said if you take tea instead of coffee.

Relaxing by watching documentaries about successful people.

De-stressing by drinking wine with that one close friend that you see once a month due to busy schedules and talking about life.

That close friend also happens to be the closest one to IxxJ type and thoroughly listens while we explain the nature of emotions and why we think that the normal emotion we felt is a terminal illness.

Flirting is a way of surviving not a way of life. Take it as you wish.

Inspecting and dissecting your crushes so you know what you're dealing with. Most of the time we "un-crush" them with a snap of our fingers.

Sometimes we "just go with it" and end in a semi-casual situationship.

When they tell you we are confident and undisturbed by flirting, they're probably lying or not competent enough about speaking on real (not psychology explained) life. We do. It's just not obvious. INTJs, INTPs and ENFJs might not agree, because they somehow just know.

Getting hurt over minimal details people mentions about us throughout a conversation but being unaffected by "the big ones".

Which is hilarious because we're major "big picture" people - details are the things we see last. Sometimes, we don't even bother to inspect them.

ENTJ: Ah, ah, okay, bye-

Other people: No, wait! There's-

ENTJ: I pretty much got it, bye-

P.S. "Pretty much go it." or "I'm gonna wing it.", but make it organised, are probably catch phrases by now. No matter what people tell you that's a major trait of XXXJ people.

When I told you we invented criticism, I forgot to mention we also helped ESTJ and INTJ invent sarcasm.

[lauriejamesgrace]

okay so watching season three of heartstopper and seeing peoples reactions to it on like tiktok and shit have really got me thinking about my own experiences and habits of invalidating my own experiences

like the general responses ive been seeing are focussing on either 1. the emphasis of the importance of platonic relationships (which i really appreciate and value but thats not what im on about here), 2. charlies struggles with his mental health, and 3. nicks struggles with charlies mental health and all that jazz

and my first instinct when i see people talking about nicks struggles with it all is like?? shut the fuck up?????? its not about him??????? but the more i think about it the more im like wait no he is in a shit position!? it is hard as FUCK when someone you love is going through stuff like that and you just don't know what you can do to help?! and obviously this is all fictional lmao like the support of the viewers makes no difference to the actual characters but im still like he does deserve the recognition and support for what hes going through, because all he wants to do is try his best and help however he can, but theres not always anything you CAN do and that feeling of helplessness is almost unmatched

and then me having that whole thought process and realisation has made me reevaluate my attitude toward the whole 'dating someone struggling with mental illness' thing and THEn i was like well its not fair that i was diminishing those struggles to begin with!1!! and thEN i was like why did i have that mindset at all??? because im someone who has always made an active effort to have empathy and understanding for every viewpoint of anything i can possibly do so

but yeah then i just had to accept that it was because ive always been too hard on myself, because it definitely started with my first girlfriend who i wont go into detail but she was,, not well and i was dealing with things and putting the responsibility on myself, as her girlfriend, to keep her okay and alive even, at FAr too young an age to have any kind of responsibility for that. and i guess i just wish that id had been exposed to this attitude earlier? because seeing the amount of understanding from strangers on the internet for someone going through similar things to myself would have been endlessly helpful for my own mental health

i dont really know where i was going with this and thank you if youve bothered to read all my mindless rambling that would usually be in one of my many journals i just cba to write when typing is so much quicker and easier when my mind is moving this quickly, but yeah i guess my point with all this is just like

take care of yourself <3 like i know its an overused sentiment but like, being there for others that 'have it worse than you' doesnt mean that you dont also deserve a support system

i definitely have more to say on this but need to get my head straight before i can word anything more lmao but yeah be kind spread love employ empathy love u lots xoxoxo

[justagamerandaweeb]

Loss. - Tanjiro x (Y/N) (Platonic) Modern AU!

Synopsis: Tanjiro tries to make you crack and let it out.

Scene: you both are in a car driving after arguing with the Hashira group (specifically Sanemi).

Tw: loss of a friend, suicide mention, mentions of wrist cutting.

Tanjiro looks to his right to see (Y/N)'s hands gripped on the wheel, where their knuckles are turning white, showing clear signs of non-verbal anger. He touched their shoulder, and they rolled their shoulder, making Tanjiro's hand slide off. "C'mon, (Y/N), I'm sure Sanemi didn't mean—"

"Mean what? Say that my friend was right to end themselves in order to leave my ass? Because he said that with no hesitation. Not a single thought went up in his head for him to not say that." (Y/N) interrupted Tanjiro, showing clear signs of abhorrence in their voice. "Like, how fucking disconnected with society do you have to be to straight up tell someone that to their face?"

"I know you're angry, but, I'm sure he'll apologize. He has to otherwise the others will hate him for it." Tanjiro spoke out, trying to give Sanemi the benefit of the doubt as he was in the moment arguing with them. "I have every fucking right to be angry! I've known them for fucking years, and he doesn't know jack shit about what we went through together!" (Y/N) said, with their voice breaking little by little.

Tanjiro puts his hand on (Y/N)'s shoulder again, but this time, they didn't roll their shoulder. Tanjiro took this a s an opportunity for him to talk as he says, "(Y/N), what happened to (F/N) isn't your fault. Not you, not Sanemi, not Inosuke, not even the delinquents at our university. You're not the only one who's dealing losing someone. I mean, my dad..."

"Yes, your dad died from an illness that gave him a slow and painful death! The only difference is that your Dad encouraged you to be a better person and treat others with respect! Meanwhile, I never knew my dad, and my mom is dying from a fucking genetic disease that has no cure! It doesn't make it any better at the fact that my friend killed themselves because people pushed them too far!"

"I... So, who do you want to blame?"

"Myself, if that wasn't fucking obvious!" (Y/N) said as tears started to streak down their face. Tanjiro was shocked at this, because he could understand if they'd blame the loss of their friend on the people that antagonized them, but they blame themselves? Over something they had no control over?

"You blame yourself? Really?"

"Yes, I do. I decided to be a stubborn dickhead about my friend's mental health, even though they had cuts on their wrists, and they told me not to worry about it. All because they had therapy, and was "getting better"."

Tanjiro was shocked at the fact (Y/N) said that to him. Even when they had cuts, they told them not to worry about it. They took that into consideration, and rolled with it, until it was too late.

"My friend's Mom actually blames herself. She's a single parent who had a lot of shit on her plate trying to live in a stable environment for them, and her younger children. She was so busy with everything that she couldn't find the time to check on her own child. Sometimes, I blame myself for that."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, Tanjiro, I do. Do you know what it's like to see a text that was sent at two in the morning that reads, "I'll miss you." after waking up three hours later? Do you know what's it like feeling someone's parent hugging you at a funeral and repeating, "I'm sorry." to you like it's their fault? Do you?"

Tanjiro started to get a little bit teary-eyed at those questions, as in a honesty, no, he hasn't. Outside of his dad, he's never lost anyone important to him, and it didn't feel fair to him, he's been blessed with the life that was given to him while (Y/N) was living the exact opposite.

"Their birthday was fucking yesterday. No one else but me, their mom, and their siblings came to visit their grave. Some fucking friends I have that won't there to comfort us." (Y/N) said as they wiped their face and eyes, and sniffled.

His hand from (Y/N)' shoulder, to their back, as he caresses them and says, "No, I don't know what it's like to go through all that. But I can imagine how much pain you're going through. I understand the pain you're dealing with if I went through it through your perspective, but—"

"You see? It's always that kind of bullshit that people say! "I know what you're going through. I understand your pain. I can see it through your perspective." How about you shut your fucking mouth when you say dumb shit like that? Because no, you don't understand what I'm going through. If you did, you wouldn't be saying the most basic shit just to sympathize with me!" (Y/N) bellowed as they were about to hammer fist the steering wheel, but let out a sigh of sadness as they lowered their hand down.

(Y/N) decided to park at some sort of supermarket as they turned the car off, and laid their head down on the steering wheel. They started to elicit sounds of soft crying as their forearms were crossed together, dangling. "Why couldn't it have been me?" They whimpered out as their breath started to hiccup.

Tanjiro wiped his eyes as he spoke up to (Y/N), "Now, I know you don't mean that. Would you have been happy if you were to take your own life, and left them alone?"

"If it meant my friend still being on this planet, yes. I have nothing else in this world. As everyone I have cared for has either forgotten about me, or straight up left me. So that already tells me that I'm not good enough to be anyone's friend. But they knew what it was like, and the bond that we created was so genuine, it was like I had a real friend. And now they're gone..."

"But you're still here. You still have a life ahead of you. You still have time to make new friends and make good memories. It's what they would want you to do. Move on, honor their memory, make them proud." (Y/N) looked at him with red puffed eyes and sniffed the snot in their nose. "Let me drive. The least I can do is give yourself some rest as we drive back to campus." (Y/N) continued to stare at him for a couple of seconds before they unbuckled their seatbelt and opened the door.

Tanjiro took off his seat belt hopped in the driver's seat and turned the car on as he put on the seatbelt. (Y/N) opens the passenger door and sits down as they close the door and buckle up. They laid their head against the window as Tanjiro put his hand on their shoulder and said, "It's gonna be alright, I promise." He puts the car out of park, and left the parking lot as he went back on the road, and drove.

A couple minutes after the argument, they both arrived at the residential hall of the campus. Tanjiro puts the car in park, and took the keys out of the ignition as he looked to his left to see (Y/N) asleep. He softly shook them and they woke up. Their eyes were still red, with little bags under their eyes as they asked, "We're here?"

Tanjiro nods as (Y/N) lets out a sigh of disappointment as they unbuckle their belt, and got out of the car. Tanjiro followed suit as he followed (Y/N) and walked up the mini-stairs of the building's main door. (Y/N) grabbed the knob and struggled to open the door as it was looked. Tanjiro tapped their shoulder as they turned back to see Tanjiro with the keys in his hand.

They grabbed it, picked out the key for the main door, and unlocked it. "Thanks." "Anytime." Tanjiro responded with a soft smile on his face. (Y/N) extended their hand out to him for a handshake, but he politely declined as he decided to go for a hug instead. (Y/N) was a little stunned at this, but still accepted it as they wrapped their arms around him too.

They both stayed like that for the last 15 seconds, before Tanjiro disconnected himself from them. He softly puts his hand on his shoulder as he says, "You'll get through this, alright? You're stronger than you think you are. And hey, if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, don't be afraid to call any of us. Me, Tomioka-san, Rengoku-san, any one of us, we'll be there, okay?"

They softly nodded as they huskily said, "Okay." Tanjiro softly smiles as he pats their shoulder and says, "Take care of yourself, alright?" And walks off. He looks back and waves goodbye at them, as (Y/N) follows suit before going inside. Hang in there, (Y/N). We'll make sure we make you feel special.

My first angst, and it's something I relate to on a personal level. Never thought I would be making angst, considering my account, but, here we are. Don't ask for a part two, by the way, I'm not going to.