#those knives are lovingly packaged up and presented

[isenstar777]

I sent it to the DM and it has given him ideas of how to inflict more pain upon my character

Ive got to the point of writing a full narrative backstory for one of my dnd campaigns. Which i will be sending to the DM as and when I update it. It's his homebrew world. Which means he's getting some authentic free-range wholegrain fanfic just for him

[rosemaidenvixen]

Christmas in New Trollmarket

Final part of @mintharpy‘s secret santa gift from last year, hope you all enjoy,

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and Blessed Yule to you all!

Ao3

Christmas Day

Human and troll sleep cycles were not at all similar, due to one species having a fatal reaction to sunlight and needing far less sleep in general. But on this particular morning, both species put in effort to wake up in their underground dwelling at the same time as the sun rose on the surface.

Jim stretched and yawned. For simplicity’s sake, the human visitors’ sleeping area had been set up in rooms immediately adjacent to Blinky’s library. Due to Jim’s desire to help with holiday preparations late into the night, he had eventually fallen asleep on the library floor itself.

Jim blinked the sleep out of his eyes and waited for everyone else to wake up.

Claire and her parents were the first group to walk in, with Barbara and Strickler following shortly behind them.

“Morning,” Jim greeted them “You guys sleep alright?”

“Uh huh,” Claire replied with a yawn “What’s for breakfast?”

Jim picked up a tray from one of the library’s workbenches “Cookies; red plate for humans, green plate for trolls,”

Claire walked up and plucked a cookie from the human plate “How’d you make the troll compatible cookies?”

“The two main differences are cooking time and the addition of large amounts of sand,” he said while popping one of the aforementioned cookies into his mouth, grinning at Claire’s nauseated expression.

It was at that moment Toby ran into the library, with his Nana, Blinky, and AAARRRGGHH on his heels “Are you guys ready for presents!”

“Not before everyone’s had dessert for breakfast,” Claire said through a mouthful of cookie crumbs and frosting. Toby deflated, but only slightly. Ten minutes later, once everyone had a Christmas confection in one hand and a caffeinated beverage in the other, Toby made a beeline for the tree.

“Okay, now it’s present time,” he grabbed two packages “These ones first,” he handed the larger of the boxes to AAARRRGGHH “This one’s for you,”

AAARRRGGHH opened the package as delicately as he could manage. An elated look appeared on his face once he discovered the box’s contents; a Christmas stocking stuffed to the brim with used argyle socks.

“SOCKS!”

AAARRRGGHH proceed to chow down with gusto. Wasting no time, Toby handed the next box to Jim.

Curious Jim unwrapped it, revealing the last thing he ever would have expected. .

“A sweater?”

“I knitted it myself,” Nana piped up.

Jim smiled at her in gratitude while he pulled the troll-sized sweater on over his t shirt, making sure it didn’t snag on his horns “Thanks Mrs. Domzalski, I love it,”

Noticing Claire wink at him while pulling a familiar package out from under the tree, Jim turned to Toby “Now it’s your turn,”

Claire approached and handed Toby the box “Merry Christmas TP,”

Eagerly, Toby tore into the offered present “Let’s see; hammer, chisel, tweezers, and is this a crystal pendulum?”

“Actually Tobes, it’s a Troll-standard geology kit,”

“Really!?”

“You betcha,” Claire cut in “The pendulum crystals can be used for infrared, UV, radiation, and apparently the magic levels,”

“We made a written guide to what they all do, so don’t try to use the magic crystal as a geiger counter,”

“Awesomesauce!”

While the three of them were busy going over Toby’s new gear, AAARRRGGHH pulled a box comparable in size to a treasure chest from under the tree “FOR BLINKY,”

“Oh, for me? You shouldn’t have, but since you have already gone to such trouble, let’s see what we have here….” Blinky tore off the paper, revealing a large old-fashioned trunk

Barbara smiled at him “This one is from AAARRRGGHH, Strickler, and me,”

Even more curious now, Blinky lifted the trunk’s lid “How joyous! you have gifted me with tomes to expand my new library!”

“It’s a combination of human and Changeling literature that we thought you would enjoy,” Strickler explained.

“I recommend you start with this one,” Barbara pulled out a large, maroon colored book that had a very simplistic design. AAARRRGGHH looked noticeably bashful.

“Why this one in particular?”

“AAARRRGGHH wrote it himself,” Strickler said matter-of-factly “It’s an autobiography of sorts,”

“Truly?!”

“OTHERS HELPED,” AAARRRGGHH mumbled while sheepishly avoiding eye contact.

Blinky clasped the book to his chest with all four limbs “I will treasure it for the rest of my days,”

Knowing that the adults in their group would be preoccupied with Blinky’s new books for the time being, Jim took the opportunity to pull a red and gold envelope off of the tree “This is for you Claire,”

Claire opened the envelope and squealed at the contents “Papa Skull tickets!”

“The concert’s next April, I thought that maybe we could go together?,”

She leaped up and threw her arms around his neck “Of course we can! Thank you thank you thank you!”

Breaking the hug Claire ran to the tree and pulled out a large gift bag “Now here’s your gift from me,”

Jim pulled out the tissue paper to reveal a professional looking leather case. He opened the case, exposing blades of different shapes and sizes lining either side; with each one tucked into an individual sleeve.

“Chef’s knives!”

“I figured that it was time chef Jim got a professional set,”

“Thank you, they’re perfect,”

Barbara picked up three boxes and handed them to Jim, Claire, and Toby “You guys should open these at the same time,”

Together, they tore off the paper and opened the boxes, Jim pulled out a thick black book and noticed Toby and Claire with identical ones “Are these scrapbooks?”

“We thought that you kids would like something to keep all your memories of Arcadia in, so we all collaborated and made these,” Nana explained.

“Don’t worry,” Ophelia reassured them “We left out the embarrassing baby pictures,”

“Most of them,” Javier corrected.

Claire hugged her scrapbook “Thanks, these are great,”

Blinky met Jim and Claire’s eyes with four of his. Upon receiving nods of confirmation from both of them, he grabbed four boxes from under the tree and approached the rest of the group with them “We had planned to ship these to you as soon as we could contact a reputable postage service, but since you’re already here….”

He handed a box to Barbara, the Nuñez’s, Toby, and AAARRRGGHH, respectively. Jim and Claire shared exstatic grins, these particular gifts to their families were the ones that they were looking forward to giving the most.

Toby finished opening his first “Is this a….mirror ball?” the others pulled out their identical reflective spheres with looks of varying confusion.

Strickler on the other hand, looked at the gifts with awe and reverence “Are those….”

“Scrying stones!” Blinky shouted, unable to contain his glee.

“Oh yeah,” Toby said “What are scrying stones?”

“They’re crystals enchanted so that anyone who owns one can use it to communicate to anyone else that owns a stone, regardless of distance,” Claire clarified.

“Yep,” Jim chipperly added “Now we can talk whenever we want,” During the journey to New Trollmarket communication had been spotty at the best of times. There was even a period of almost three weeks where they were completely out of contact. Jim and Claire had been talking about more stable forms of communication with Blinky for a while. This was the solution they had ultimately come up with.

“Thank you so much,” Ophelia said while lovingly cradling her stone.

“They are also exceedingly rare,” Strickler added “It must have take a great deal of effort for you to acquire this many,”

Eyes brimming with tears, Barbara came over to Jim and embraced him “Now you can call twice a day,”

“I’ll do that, Merry Christmas Mom,”

Now that all the presents had been opened, everyone just sat back to eat their cookies and relax in the decorated library. Eventually, Toby stood up “I don’t know about you guys, but feel like going outside and enjoying the white Christmas,”

“Sounds great,” Claire got to her feet “How about it Jim? Want to pop the sunlight stone in your amulet so Toby and I can kick your butt in a snowball war?”

Jim smirked “Oh I’m not going to be the one getting my butt kicked,”

*

One change into winter clothes and sunlight-immunity armor later; Jim, Claire, and Toby were in the woods above New Trollmarket, wading through the copious amounts of snow on the ground.

“This is amazing!” Toby shouted into the snow-covered trees “We never got snow like this at home,”

“I know, it’s incredible!” Claire said while twirling in the falling flakes.

Jim smiled at his friends “Maybe this can be a new tradition,”

“Sounds good to me,” Toby said before flopping down on his back to make a snow angel. Jim chuckled at his friend’s antics, only to feel an icy ball of slush hit the back of his head.

Claire looked smugly at the two of them while casually rolling another snowball in her hands “I believe someone said something about kicking our butts in a snowball war?”

Toby got to his feet, all business now “Oh you want a war? Well you got one,”

The next several hours were spent in nonstop, frosty combat. Whether it was setting up ambushes, constructing forts of varying size and architectural integrity, or no-holds-barred three way fights. Occasionally, some of the adults would show up to check on them. Mostly they stuck to the sidelines, prefering to watch the kids over joining in their winter warfare. A notable exception was when Barbara and Strickler checked up on them and Strickler decided to get his hands dirty. He did quite well at first, setting up a multitude of successful blitz attacks on each of them. Only when the trio were able to corner Strickler and dump a literal truckload of snow on him did he and Barbara decide it was time to go back down.

After sunset Blinky and AAARRRGGHH came up to join them, by that point they had moved on from snowball fights to sculpting snowmen. With the additional help they were able to make six snowmen, a vaguely AAARRRGGHH shaped snow mound, and a veritable army of snow-gnomes. By that time it had gotten completely dark, and Claire and Toby were starting to feel the cold, so they retired to Blinky’s library.

Nana met them at the entrance “You kids have fun?”

All three gave sounds of assent.

“Well here,” she placed a mug in each of their hands “Have some hot coco,”

The three of them took deep sips from each of their mugs, Jim smacked his lips at the delicious taste “How’d you manage to make a troll version of hot cocoa?”

“It was actually pretty easy,” Barbara chimed in “As it turns out hot chocolate is already pretty similar to existing troll drinks, I just had to swap a few ingredients,”

Claire sniffed Jim’s mug and made a face “Do we want to know what’s in this?”

“Most certainly not,” Blinky repiled.

They all settled in to comfortable silence, before Javier spoke up “So Barbara, I have to ask, an exploding turkey?”

She and Jim chucked at the memories his question brought up.

“It’s embarrassing really,” Barbara replied “One year I was trying to roast a turkey for Christmas dinner, and to this day I don’t know what I did, but he turkey exploded in the oven,”

Ophelia stared at her slack-jawed “Really!?”

“Yep,” Jim replied “It scared the hell out of me at the time,”

“We heard the explosion all the way over in our house,” Toby added.

Barbara chuckled “I was just glad that I didn’t need to call the fire department,”

At this the elder Nuñezs smirked at each other while Claire groaned “It’s funny you should mention that…”

“Dad, please, not this story,”

“Well now you have to tell us,” Jim said eagerly.

Javier continued “One Christmas when Claire was a toddler, she somehow managed to stick her head through the stair banisters and get stuck,”

Claire moaned in mortification.

“We ended up having to call the fire department to cut her free,” Ophelia concluded before turning to the Domzalskis “How about you, any stories?”

“Nothing that crazy,” Toby replied “Just the one year where the tree fell on me,”

“He thought that the elf on the shelf was trying to kill him,” Nana clarified.

Blinky stood up “If I may, while us trolls do not share many of your human holidays, during the festival celebrating the discovery of the Arcadian Hearthstone, I consumed so much glug that I became inebriated to the extent that I invited a colony of gnomes to share our living space,”

AAARRRGGHH nodded in confirmation “VENDEL NOT HAPPY,”

Jim watched as they all continued on sharing stories of disastrous holidays and drunken hijinks. His mom had been right. Christmas this year was nothing like it had been in the past, but it had been new and amazing.

He cleared his throat “Well I for one am looking forward to all the mishaps Christmas at New Trollmarket is sure to have,”

His friends and family all laughed and agreed with him before the discussion once again turned to happy memories of the past and all their hopeful ideas for the future, as the first Christmas of New Trollmarket came to a peaceful end.

[padfootdidit]

a little pretence (pt. i)

Kaz Brekker can pick any lock. Inej Ghafa can scale any roof. They’re powerful, unbeatable, intimidating, talented but - can they handle pretending to be in love?

What’s this?? A six of crows fanfic??? You bet! This is my first fanfic for these characters and this fandom so some of the characterisation might be a little off but please bear with me whilst I find my footing! This fic in particular has not been edited and is also not set in the Grishaverse. More like a limbo between that world and ours. What’s most important to know is that they had to leave Ketterdam for some reason or other and are in a new town where no one knows them. Yet. 

For @fleamontpotter because, well, Kayla you’re amazing and also the person I need to thank for getting me into soc in the first place !! You’re so strong, so funny and so genuine. Thank you for introducing me to this bunch of idiots and for persuading me to write a fic. (Also shout out to @zeniik for also supporting me in this endeavour!)

read on ao3!

Saturday, 23:54

The Palace

Never in a million years would Inej had thought that this would be her most difficult job. Breaking Kuwei Yul Bo out of maximum security prison? Strong contender for top spot. Stealing forty million from Jan Van Eck? Sure. A routine heist with Kaz? I don’t think so. Yet, there she was, in the middle of the ballroom, struggling to keep it together because, well, she knew why. She was struggling to keep it together because Kaz had his arm around his waist and was currently telling an earl how they’d fallen in love.

Three Weeks Earlier

Tuesday, 18:06

The Waffle House

“- no way we’ll be able to get in, it’s basically a prison. You can’t -”

“- as if, you really think -”

“- not your best plan, Brekker, really -”

“What about through the front door?” Matthias’ firm voice cut through the bickering and everyone turned to look at him. Even Kaz raised his eyes, barely a fraction, but that was something.

“Don’t be daft,” Jesper scoffed. “They’re not going to welcome a crew of thieves to their party.”

“They won’t be. They’ll be welcoming two guests on the list,” Matthias said, leaning forwards on his elbows so they all head to crane their necks to hear him. “Specht can forge the invites easily enough.”

“At a cost,” Kaz said, speaking for the first time since they ordered. As everyone else had been arguing about ways in, the security, the risk, he had just been slowly working his way through his pile of waffles, listening. Inej knew he heard everything, whether or not he reacted. If Jesper had Kaz’s poker face, he’d win a lot more games.

“Surely one you’re willing to fit?” asked Wylan. They all knew Kaz would fit any cost for this particular job. It was going to make his name.

“So, me and Matt go through the front door,” Nina butted in. “And then what?”

“It can’t be you and Matthias,” Kaz said.

Nina scoffed and, around a mouthful of waffle and syrup said, “Well who else is it going to be? Jesper and Wylan? Doubtful.”

“Back off, we’d make great inside men,” Jesper said, petulant. It’s a moot point though, and they all know it. Nina swallowed, stabbed another waffle with her fork, and made to add to her point. Kaz was ahead of her. And Inej was ahead of Kaz.

“It has to be me and Inej.” Wylan choked on his milkshake. The others all shared a look and then laughed. Kaz was right though. What would be the point of getting Nina and Matthias in when they didn’t have the skills to carry out the job? It would be tricky enough getting them in through the front door, let alone making a diversion to allow Kaz and Inej to sneak in without invites. It had already been agreed it could only be two people inside anyway. Any more and they’d start to lose track. Kaz was the only one who could pick the locks and Inej was the only one who could cross the distance between the house and the safe house without setting off the alarms. “Unless any of you have suddenly learnt to walk the tightrope?”

Nina looked at Inej across the table, and Inej could tell she was trying hard to keep her eyebrows under control. Inej shrugged in response to the silent question. I’ll do what needs to be done.

“But surely only you’d need an invite, Kaz,” Wylan said. “Inej is the Wraith, she doesn’t need the front door.”

“A couple is far less conspicuous than a man on his own,” Matthias supplied and Inej wouldn’t be surprised if he was enjoying this. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Kaz since he’d first suggested it.

“So what, you guys are brother and sister?” Jesper asked, eyes alight with glee, and Inej frowned. They were all enjoying it. Nina wasn’t bothering to hide her shit-eating grin, the absolute traitor.

Kaz sighed and made to stand up, pushing his now empty plate across the table. “We’ll be distant relatives of the earl. We’re too young to be married so we’ll be betrothed.” His eyes flicked to Inej for a second as he buttoned up his coat. “We can work out a backstory later.” Then he grabbed his cane and marched out, the bell above the door jingling to announce his exit. They all watched him walk across the street in silence and then turned back to press Inej. But she had gone.

18:44

“I know you’re there,” Kaz said to the alley’s shadows. He’d know she’d follow him, had felt her presence join him two roads down from the Waffle House. Usually, he waited for her to talk, if she ever did, but this time his patience had reached the end of its tether. He leant against the wall and waited, suddenly unsure if she’d appear.

“Engaged?” Inej said as she landed softly in front of him. Clearly she’d been tracking him from the roofs, her favourite method. Her face was unreadable. He knew his was just as blank.

“Something tells me we won’t pass for siblings,” he said, tone flat. They might both have dark hair, but that was where their similarities ended. Kaz was the moon and Inej was the canal water it reflected on, although he suspected that that metaphor only worked for their appearances.

“You realise this means we’ll have to act,” she paused, and he could tell she was choosing her next words carefully, “like we’re in love.”

“Never heard of an arranged marriage?”

“Kaz.” Her voice was almost a growl and he wasn’t sure how they’d gotten there so quickly.

“I’m sure you can handle a little pretence.” A dig about The Menagerie would be too far. A dig about The Menagerie would never be on the table, not when Kaz was involved, yet it still hung in the air, the potential of it, and he could guess that’s what she’s thinking about.

“But can you?”

18:50

Inej jumped before he could reply and she forced herself not to think about the flash in his eyes as she pulled herself up the wall. She reached the roof of one of the two buildings that made the alley and looked down to check if Kaz was still there. He was staring up, not at her, he would never be able to spot her, but she knew it was meant to give that impression. She sighed. Or maybe he’s just looking at the moon. Nina’s voice in her head answered, doubtful.

The crescent-moon wasn’t bright enough to guide her across the new city, and she longed for the Barrel’s familiar rooftops so wouldn’t need it. The Barrel and its city was behind them now, and Inej needed to forget it. They couldn’t go back. That’s why they were here, starting fresh, starting small - well in terms of numbers. This job was anything but small. Kaz wanted to make his name quickly, carve his place before anyone could try and threaten them. It was just them though, which was nice. It was a relief not to be second-guessing who to trust.

She swung herself across the last gap of her journey and landed easily inside her window. Though the city was unfamiliar, Inej knew how to travel quickly, whatever the terrain. She was sure to have beaten Kaz back, and possibly the others as well. Which is why she took the chance to wash herself, knowing that soon her room would be crowded with Nina and Matthias. It would have been alright sharing with just Nina. Matthias complicated things though. Well, Nina and Matthias, together, a duo, a package, complicated things. Mainly they complicated things at night when Inej wanted to be sleeping.

As she stood over the cramped room’s basin and used the skinny bar of soap to rid herself of the day’s grime, Inej thought about the job. About what pretending to be Kaz’s betrothed would mean. What ‘a little pretence’ would mean. Holding hands? Smiling at each other? Staring lovingly into each other’s eyes? Kissing? Inej could handle half of those things, and none with ease. Kaz could most likely handle zero off the list, and they both knew it. Maybe, if they were lucky, their pretence would only have to hold for the time it took them to cross the ballroom. Inej didn’t believe in luck though. She believed in her Saints and she wasn’t sure they still believed in her.

A Week Later

The Slat 2.0

Friday, 10:17

“How long have you been together?” Nina looked far too happy to have this job. So far, Inej and Kaz had been performing abysmally at what Jesper had nicknamed their ‘compatibility test’. Inej blamed Kaz. Kaz blamed Inej. They both blamed Matthias for putting them in this position in the first place. For the past week, Inej had fallen asleep thinking of all the different ways she could introduce her knives to Matthias’ stomach, face, throat, legs, really any part of his body that presented itself. Kaz had taken to reminding Matthias that his only real use was for his muscles, despite this being mostly false.

“Three years.”

“A year and a half.”

Nina raised an eyebrow. “They’ll gut you.”

“I’ll have slit their throats before they can try,” Inej said, pointedly sharpening Petyr . She had also taken to bringing her blades to these sessions, as a reminder that she had the ability to kill anyone she wanted to before they could blink. It was unnecessary, totally, but it kept her calm.

“We’ll stick to three years. It’s closest to the truth so it’ll be easier to remember.” Kaz’s suggestion was met with a grin from Nina and Inej imagined cutting both of their throats.

“Excellent thinking, Brekker. So, how long have you been together?”

“Three years.”

“Three years.”

“And how long have you been engaged?”

“A month.”

“Inej?”

“A month.”

“Brilliant!” Nina cried, clapping her hands together. “And now from the top.”

Kaz sighed. “Can we take a break?”

“Not if you don’t want to get caught! Now, how did you two meet?”

Inej answered monotonously for the rest of the session. They both knew the answers by now, and she’d hope so considering that they’d been going over the story every day since they came up with it. Most of it was the truth, or at least an adaptation of it. They had been working with each other for three years, so they’d been together for three years. Everything was derived from something in their lives, including how they fell in love. Jesper had come up with it, and Inej had just managed to restrain herself from skinning him. ‘You fell in love working together! Obviously!’ He’d declared, happening upon Kaz and Inej last Wednesday when they were first inventing the story. Kaz’s glare had been enough to shut any coward up, but Jesper was immune to them by now. He’d continued: ‘Every job you got closer and closer until, eventually, the sexual tension was too much and you sealed the -’. He’d only stopped when Kaz had rapped his cane on the floor twice, a warning.

Now Jesper wouldn’t shut up about it. Whenever he caught her without Kaz, he would ask her how the engagement was going, if they were waiting to consummate the marriage. Wylan wasn’t helping either. His favourite question was about Inej’s wedding dress.

She’d be relieved when, in two weeks, the job was over and she’d never have to talk about engagements or falling in love with Kaz again.

Two Weeks Later

Saturday, 20:30

The Palace

“Looking dapper, as always, Brekker,” Jesper said in Kaz’s ear as he and Inej joined the queue having their invites checked outside the palace. He was already regretting agreeing to having communications. It had been Wylan’s idea and, in truth, it was going to help. They wouldn’t have to rely on signals to know when to act, or be worried if someone didn’t show up to the rendezvous. Still, he’d rather not have everyone’s voices in his head when he was trying to focus. It was hard enough with Inej holding his hand. He’d had to buy a new pair of gloves, ones not adapted so he could easily pick locks, because he didn’t want to risk a single brush of her skin against his. His usual ones were tucked safely in his inside pocket, ready for when he faced the safe.

“And I just look like a mess?” Inej asked quietly, facing Kaz so that, to everyone else, it would just like they were chatting to each other.

“You look radiant,” Jesper said.

“Absolutely stunning,” Nina added.

“Positively a blushing bri-”

“If you’re quite finished,” Kaz interrupted, “should we get on with the job?” He refused to look at Inej. If she was blushing, it’s not like he would be able to tell anyway.

“Yessir,” Jesper said and Kaz could almost imagine his mock salute.

“In position Wylan?”

“Check.”

“Matthias?”

“Uhuh.”

“Jesper?”

“Guns at the ready-”

“Nina?”

“Yup. And I’ve got eyes on Rotty. He’s waiting by the exit route for you.”

“Good, then let’s get to work.” He and Inej moved forward with the line and he continued to stare straight ahead. He didn’t need to check she was ready, she was right next to him. Kaz was pretty sure he could feel her pulse flicking in her wrist. That couldn’t be possible though. Rather that than no pulse at all, he reasoned. But it wasn’t the time to start down that path. This was going to be an easy job. All he had to do was pretend to be engaged to Inej to get through the hall, and then they were basically finished. All he had to do was keep away from the memory of piled corpses and rotting flesh and blank eyes and lapping water and the stench and the

Kaz tightened his jaw. Not today, not now. Inej’s pulse was there. Even if he was only imagining that he could feel it. Everyone around him was living breathing beating alive. This job was going to be easy, over before he could think about it, and then his name would be made. All he had to do was pretend to be in love with Inej.